Smoking stop voice

I'm 31 years old, live in NJ. 5'9", 165 lbs (fit/athletic build) 3rd generation Chinese American (my family immigrated here in the 1900s). My family identifies as American as we tend to eat more pasta than rice and my generation has not learned the language. College educated with a Bachelor's in Biomedical Science (switched from an Engineering major...turns out I don't like theoretical math); currently working in the pharmaceutical industry and pretty much love the industry as there isn't any work drama and it's relatively straightforward yet challenging.
I've tried a few long distance relationships and they're quite difficult to manage...they were great when we able to meet in person and I didn't mind putting in the extra work. I'd be willing to try one if the distance is reasonable and the there is a definite spark between us. I am pretty sure I fit the definition of a demisexual, so I'll be strictly trying to form a connection first. I REALLY need the emotional connection before there is a sexual attraction, mentally I can't do hook ups (they're just really hard for me to handle and I have turned people down).
Personality wise I've been told that I tend to bring people together and keep things fun. I have a few different groups of friends and communities I am often with...and they can vary from the youngsters (21 to 30) to the old guys (60+) to the group that's around my age. I would say I'm pretty good at conversing and I try to stay on top of most current events. Mentally I'm an old man and feel more comfortable in that setting, so much that I literally hang out with 60+ years olds at the gym after a workout in the hot tub. I call them the hot tub gang and it's always a set of regulars where we might talk about the same thing every single day until someone newer to the group says that we talked about it yesterday.
I would say fitness is a major player in my life. I started out hating swimming as a kid, but here I am almost 27 years later...I made it through the lessons at the YMCA, joined a club team, swam in high school, swam in college and now I'm a swim coach and instructor as a hobby/side job in my free time. There's something about being a part of coaching people and watching them grow up and succeed that makes me smile.
My free time in the cold months usually consists of planning DIY projects or working on them. I tend to work on all the cars in the family and am the one that fixes them up or finds replacements for them. Or planning my next road trip to somewhere nicer. Whereas in the warm months I love going down to the beach to go for a swim and have a nice relaxing breakfast outdoors. I do have a few kayaks that I'll bring out to go with friends or if I feel it's safe a nice solo paddle to clear my mind. When I think about it, too many of my hobbies involve water. But I do enjoy things on dry land I promise!
I'm really looking for someone I can grow together with, a long term or forever relationship. I want a relationship where both of us put 100% in all the time and if we don't, we can talk to each other about our concerns and work it out. Honestly what I've realized is that maybe I am altruistic...I miss making someone feel happy and loved, miss the good morning texts, the waiting around all day just to see their texts, I miss spoiling someone and the feeling of that feeling of seeing that look that you get when someone truly loves you. I would love to slowly get to know you by having some conversations where the time just flies, then to a point where we talk nonstop, maybe some in person dates and then maybe eventually settle down together and enjoy life together.
Important stuff: Although I enjoy interacting with kids and it's a major part of my life...I don't want any of my own so...sorry if this is a dealbreaker for anyone. I don't drink (except for maybe wine at special occasions....I get really bad Asian Flush so I'll turn bright red if I smell alcohol essentially lol), not into smoking/drugs (Bad asthma and I'm just not into any of that stuff). I don't judge anyone that's into drinking or recreational drugs, it's just not for me personally. Religion wise, I'm Agnostic. Politically I lean relatively to the left.
I'm really searching for that genuine connection; voice calls are definitely a plus and would love to get to know you. It's alright if we end up just as friends that talk here and there.
If it sounds like you could be the one send me a chat or DM and tell me a bit about yourself. My name is Kevin and I'd love to know about you.

I'm 31 years old, live in NJ. 5'9", 165 lbs (fit/athletic build) 3rd generation Chinese American (my family immigrated here in the 1900s). My family identifies as American as we tend to eat more pasta than rice and my generation has not learned the language. College educated with a Bachelor's in Biomedical Science (switched from an Engineering major...turns out I don't like theoretical math); currently working in the pharmaceutical industry and pretty much love the industry as there isn't any work drama and it's relatively straightforward yet challenging.
I've tried a few long distance relationships and they're quite difficult to manage...they were great when we able to meet in person and I didn't mind putting in the extra work. I'd be willing to try one if the distance is reasonable and the there is a definite spark between us. I am pretty sure I fit the definition of a demisexual, so I'll be strictly trying to form a connection first. I REALLY need the emotional connection before there is a sexual attraction, mentally I can't do hook ups (they're just really hard for me to handle and I have turned people down).
Personality wise I've been told that I tend to bring people together and keep things fun. I have a few different groups of friends and communities I am often with...and they can vary from the youngsters (21 to 30) to the old guys (60+) to the group that's around my age. I would say I'm pretty good at conversing and I try to stay on top of most current events. Mentally I'm an old man and feel more comfortable in that setting, so much that I literally hang out with 60+ years olds at the gym after a workout in the hot tub. I call them the hot tub gang and it's always a set of regulars where we might talk about the same thing every single day until someone newer to the group says that we talked about it yesterday.
I would say fitness is a major player in my life. I started out hating swimming as a kid, but here I am almost 27 years later...I made it through the lessons at the YMCA, joined a club team, swam in high school, swam in college and now I'm a swim coach and instructor as a hobby/side job in my free time. There's something about being a part of coaching people and watching them grow up and succeed that makes me smile.
My free time in the cold months usually consists of planning DIY projects or working on them. I tend to work on all the cars in the family and am the one that fixes them up or finds replacements for them. Or planning my next road trip to somewhere nicer. Whereas in the warm months I love going down to the beach to go for a swim and have a nice relaxing breakfast outdoors. I do have a few kayaks that I'll bring out to go with friends or if I feel it's safe a nice solo paddle to clear my mind. When I think about it, too many of my hobbies involve water. But I do enjoy things on dry land I promise!
I'm really looking for someone I can grow together with, a long term or forever relationship. I want a relationship where both of us put 100% in all the time and if we don't, we can talk to each other about our concerns and work it out. Honestly what I've realized is that maybe I am altruistic...I miss making someone feel happy and loved, miss the good morning texts, the waiting around all day just to see their texts, I miss spoiling someone and the feeling of that feeling of seeing that look that you get when someone truly loves you. I would love to slowly get to know you by having some conversations where the time just flies, then to a point where we talk nonstop, maybe some in person dates and then maybe eventually settle down together and enjoy life together.
Important stuff: Although I enjoy interacting with kids and it's a major part of my life...I don't want any of my own so...sorry if this is a dealbreaker for anyone. I don't drink (except for maybe wine at special occasions....I get really bad Asian Flush so I'll turn bright red if I smell alcohol essentially lol), not into smoking/drugs (Bad asthma and I'm just not into any of that stuff). I don't judge anyone that's into drinking or recreational drugs, it's just not for me personally. Religion wise, I'm Agnostic. Politically I lean relatively to the left.
I'm really searching for that genuine connection; voice calls are definitely a plus and would love to get to know you. It's alright if we end up just as friends that talk here and there.
If it sounds like you could be the one send me a chat or DM and tell me a bit about yourself. My name is Kevin and I'd love to know about you.

I'm 31 years old, live in NJ. 5'9", 165 lbs (fit/athletic build) 3rd generation Chinese American (my family immigrated here in the 1900s). My family identifies as American as we tend to eat more pasta than rice and my generation has not learned the language. College educated with a Bachelor's in Biomedical Science (switched from an Engineering major...turns out I don't like theoretical math); currently working in the pharmaceutical industry and pretty much love the industry as there isn't any work drama and it's relatively straightforward yet challenging.
I've tried a few long distance relationships and they're quite difficult to manage...they were great when we able to meet in person and I didn't mind putting in the extra work. I'd be willing to try one if the distance is reasonable and the there is a definite spark between us. I am pretty sure I fit the definition of a demisexual, so I'll be strictly trying to form a connection first. I REALLY need the emotional connection before there is a sexual attraction, mentally I can't do hook ups (they're just really hard for me to handle and I have turned people down).
Personality wise I've been told that I tend to bring people together and keep things fun. I have a few different groups of friends and communities I am often with...and they can vary from the youngsters (21 to 30) to the old guys (60+) to the group that's around my age. I would say I'm pretty good at conversing and I try to stay on top of most current events. Mentally I'm an old man and feel more comfortable in that setting, so much that I literally hang out with 60+ years olds at the gym after a workout in the hot tub. I call them the hot tub gang and it's always a set of regulars where we might talk about the same thing every single day until someone newer to the group says that we talked about it yesterday.
I would say fitness is a major player in my life. I started out hating swimming as a kid, but here I am almost 27 years later...I made it through the lessons at the YMCA, joined a club team, swam in high school, swam in college and now I'm a swim coach and instructor as a hobby/side job in my free time. There's something about being a part of coaching people and watching them grow up and succeed that makes me smile.
My free time in the cold months usually consists of planning DIY projects or working on them. I tend to work on all the cars in the family and am the one that fixes them up or finds replacements for them. Or planning my next road trip to somewhere nicer. Whereas in the warm months I love going down to the beach to go for a swim and have a nice relaxing breakfast outdoors. I do have a few kayaks that I'll bring out to go with friends or if I feel it's safe a nice solo paddle to clear my mind. When I think about it, too many of my hobbies involve water. But I do enjoy things on dry land I promise!
I'm really looking for someone I can grow together with, a long term or forever relationship. I want a relationship where both of us put 100% in all the time and if we don't, we can talk to each other about our concerns and work it out. Honestly what I've realized is that maybe I am altruistic...I miss making someone feel happy and loved, miss the good morning texts, the waiting around all day just to see their texts, I miss spoiling someone and the feeling of that feeling of seeing that look that you get when someone truly loves you. I would love to slowly get to know you by having some conversations where the time just flies, then to a point where we talk nonstop, maybe some in person dates and then maybe eventually settle down together and enjoy life together.
Important stuff: Although I enjoy interacting with kids and it's a major part of my life...I don't want any of my own so...sorry if this is a dealbreaker for anyone. I don't drink (except for maybe wine at special occasions....I get really bad Asian Flush so I'll turn bright red if I smell alcohol essentially lol), not into smoking/drugs (Bad asthma and I'm just not into any of that stuff). I don't judge anyone that's into drinking or recreational drugs, it's just not for me personally. Religion wise, I'm Agnostic. Politically I lean relatively to the left.
I'm really searching for that genuine connection; voice calls are definitely a plus and would love to get to know you. It's alright if we end up just as friends that talk here and there.
If it sounds like you could be the one send me a chat or DM and tell me a bit about yourself. My name is Kevin and I'd love to know about you.

I'm 31 years old, live in NJ. 5'9", 165 lbs (fit/athletic build) 3rd generation Chinese American (my family immigrated here in the 1900s). My family identifies as American as we tend to eat more pasta than rice and my generation has not learned the language. College educated with a Bachelor's in Biomedical Science (switched from an Engineering major...turns out I don't like theoretical math); currently working in the pharmaceutical industry and pretty much love the industry as there isn't any work drama and it's relatively straightforward yet challenging.
I've tried a few long distance relationships and they're quite difficult to manage...they were great when we able to meet in person and I didn't mind putting in the extra work. I'd be willing to try one if the distance is reasonable and the there is a definite spark between us. I am pretty sure I fit the definition of a demisexual, so I'll be strictly trying to form a connection first. I REALLY need the emotional connection before there is a sexual attraction, mentally I can't do hook ups (they're just really hard for me to handle and I have turned people down).
Personality wise I've been told that I tend to bring people together and keep things fun. I have a few different groups of friends and communities I am often with...and they can vary from the youngsters (21 to 30) to the old guys (60+) to the group that's around my age. I would say I'm pretty good at conversing and I try to stay on top of most current events. Mentally I'm an old man and feel more comfortable in that setting, so much that I literally hang out with 60+ years olds at the gym after a workout in the hot tub. I call them the hot tub gang and it's always a set of regulars where we might talk about the same thing every single day until someone newer to the group says that we talked about it yesterday.
I would say fitness is a major player in my life. I started out hating swimming as a kid, but here I am almost 27 years later...I made it through the lessons at the YMCA, joined a club team, swam in high school, swam in college and now I'm a swim coach and instructor as a hobby/side job in my free time. There's something about being a part of coaching people and watching them grow up and succeed that makes me smile.
My free time in the cold months usually consists of planning DIY projects or working on them. I tend to work on all the cars in the family and am the one that fixes them up or finds replacements for them. Or planning my next road trip to somewhere nicer. Whereas in the warm months I love going down to the beach to go for a swim and have a nice relaxing breakfast outdoors. I do have a few kayaks that I'll bring out to go with friends or if I feel it's safe a nice solo paddle to clear my mind. When I think about it, too many of my hobbies involve water. But I do enjoy things on dry land I promise!
I'm really looking for someone I can grow together with, a long term or forever relationship. I want a relationship where both of us put 100% in all the time and if we don't, we can talk to each other about our concerns and work it out. Honestly what I've realized is that maybe I am altruistic...I miss making someone feel happy and loved, miss the good morning texts, the waiting around all day just to see their texts, I miss spoiling someone and the feeling of that feeling of seeing that look that you get when someone truly loves you. I would love to slowly get to know you by having some conversations where the time just flies, then to a point where we talk nonstop, maybe some in person dates and then maybe eventually settle down together and enjoy life together.
Important stuff: Although I enjoy interacting with kids and it's a major part of my life...I don't want any of my own so...sorry if this is a dealbreaker for anyone. I don't drink (except for maybe wine at special occasions....I get really bad Asian Flush so I'll turn bright red if I smell alcohol essentially lol), not into smoking/drugs (Bad asthma and I'm just not into any of that stuff). I don't judge anyone that's into drinking or recreational drugs, it's just not for me personally. Religion wise, I'm Agnostic. Politically I lean relatively to the left.
I'm really searching for that genuine connection; voice calls are definitely a plus and would love to get to know you. It's alright if we end up just as friends that talk here and there.
If it sounds like you could be the one send me a chat or DM and tell me a bit about yourself. My name is Kevin and I'd love to know about you.

I'm 31 years old, live in NJ. 5'9", 165 lbs (fit/athletic build) 3rd generation Chinese American (my family immigrated here in the 1900s). My family identifies as American as we tend to eat more pasta than rice and my generation has not learned the language. College educated with a Bachelor's in Biomedical Science (switched from an Engineering major...turns out I don't like theoretical math); currently working in the pharmaceutical industry and pretty much love the industry as there isn't any work drama and it's relatively straightforward yet challenging.
I've tried a few long distance relationships and they're quite difficult to manage...they were great when we able to meet in person and I didn't mind putting in the extra work. I'd be willing to try one if the distance is reasonable and the there is a definite spark between us. I am pretty sure I fit the definition of a demisexual, so I'll be strictly trying to form a connection first. I REALLY need the emotional connection before there is a sexual attraction, mentally I can't do hook ups (they're just really hard for me to handle and I have turned people down).
Personality wise I've been told that I tend to bring people together and keep things fun. I have a few different groups of friends and communities I am often with...and they can vary from the youngsters (21 to 30) to the old guys (60+) to the group that's around my age. I would say I'm pretty good at conversing and I try to stay on top of most current events. Mentally I'm an old man and feel more comfortable in that setting, so much that I literally hang out with 60+ years olds at the gym after a workout in the hot tub. I call them the hot tub gang and it's always a set of regulars where we might talk about the same thing every single day until someone newer to the group says that we talked about it yesterday.
I would say fitness is a major player in my life. I started out hating swimming as a kid, but here I am almost 27 years later...I made it through the lessons at the YMCA, joined a club team, swam in high school, swam in college and now I'm a swim coach and instructor as a hobby/side job in my free time. There's something about being a part of coaching people and watching them grow up and succeed that makes me smile.
My free time in the cold months usually consists of planning DIY projects or working on them. I tend to work on all the cars in the family and am the one that fixes them up or finds replacements for them. Or planning my next road trip to somewhere nicer. Whereas in the warm months I love going down to the beach to go for a swim and have a nice relaxing breakfast outdoors. I do have a few kayaks that I'll bring out to go with friends or if I feel it's safe a nice solo paddle to clear my mind. When I think about it, too many of my hobbies involve water. But I do enjoy things on dry land I promise!
I'm really looking for someone I can grow together with, a long term or forever relationship. I want a relationship where both of us put 100% in all the time and if we don't, we can talk to each other about our concerns and work it out. Honestly what I've realized is that maybe I am altruistic...I miss making someone feel happy and loved, miss the good morning texts, the waiting around all day just to see their texts, I miss spoiling someone and the feeling of that feeling of seeing that look that you get when someone truly loves you. I would love to slowly get to know you by having some conversations where the time just flies, then to a point where we talk nonstop, maybe some in person dates and then maybe eventually settle down together and enjoy life together.
Important stuff: I don't drink (except for maybe wine at special occasions....I get really bad Asian Flush so I'll turn bright red if I smell alcohol essentially lol), not into smoking/drugs (Bad asthma and I'm just not into any of that stuff). I don't judge anyone that's into drinking or recreational drugs, it's just not for me personally. Religion wise, I'm Agnostic. Politically I lean relatively to the left.
I'm really searching for that genuine connection; voice calls are definitely a plus and would love to get to know you. It's alright if we end up just as friends that talk here and there.
If it sounds like you could be the one send me a chat or DM and tell me a bit about yourself. My name is Kevin and I'd love to know about you.

Long story. TW: drug use, sex, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, mental illness, addiction.
I'm 25F and I have two siblings, 27M and 22F. I have a half sister who is in her late 30's I believe, and she went NC with our dad many years ago. My parents are in their early-mid 70's now.
My parents were in their young adulthood in the 70's in California, so there was lots of drugs involved. I'm assuming that's how they bonded in the beginning. That and they both have edured horrible abuse. My dad was essentially beat by his parents with a belt until he was 18 for what I now realize was because he has autism/ADHD like a motherf'er and he was bullied in school. My siblings and I are all on the spectrum (none of us diagnosed officially but it's plainly obvious) and it was never ONCE mentioned by my father. One time he tried to tell me I have a sixth sense when I was young, that's about it. He has abstract beliefs that he has special abilities and is a reincarnation of Jesus, and that we all are part of his heavenly mission or some shit. Every time he would take a week off work growing up he'd spiral and go into drug induced psychosis and try to talk madness to us when we were way too young to understand why he was acting so much more weird than ususal. He's obsessed with biblical stuff and studies latin/ancient mythology to try and crack the code of the universe. I believe he became addicted to stimulants because as we know, stuff like amphetamines makes ADHD folk 'more productive ' and can sometimes 'relieve' certain symptoms. He has also smoked two joints a day pretty much my entire life. He's always had the same routine though, kept a steady job and provided the basics. I'll give him that. He's never had a friend over. Cut off his family aside from a couple of other backcountry type weirdos.
My mom grew up very rural farm in Tennessee and was abused by boyfriends, having married off at 16 to a much older man and then being estranged from her family. She has terrible PTSD and became physically disabled after falling at work.
She manipulated me very young to genuinely believe my father was a monster who molested my sister (untrue) and I genuinely took her side for many years before I realized I was just a pawn for her. She was an alcoholic during my childhood and when she had custody of us she'd just drag us along to her 'boyfriend's house and we'd just sit around unattended while she was getting drunk in another room. I had to witness sexual stuff too because she was drunk/gone she didn't care. Eventually we all had to move in with my dad full time because she lost the house she had that was from the divorce split. It sucked but at least our dad made sure we had dinner to eat and movies to watch.
She moved to the woods into the family cabin that she recieved during the divorce assets split. She was MIA for quite some time. Over the course of my young adulthood I began to recognize that my mother is paranoid schizophrenic. I personally became her golden child and was always told I was the easy one because I was a doormat and her therapist. She exposed me very young to horrible concepts revolving around sex. She was molested as a child so I think her obsession comes from that. She told me very young (like 6) that men want to have sex with me and rape me. She told me her stories of being molested and raped when I was way too young to handle it, in graphic detail. I believed her and I thought we had a special bond because she and I were 'so close' but it was fucked.
It reached a breaking point when she assaulted government fire cleanup crew on her property with bear spray. It was on the news and everything. I found out because my cousin sent me the news article with my mom's mugshot. To this day she believes they were out to get her and that they had a gun. She served time in jail but they let her go after realizing she's delusional. She moved back in with my dad a few years ago as she had no other choice. My dad was there to pick her up when she got out. She's completely dependent on him and it's a horrible situation. My dad just gives her weed to smoke and she stays home all day. Her car doesn't work and she never leaves the home, never speaks to anyone because she's lost contact with everyone years ago, and she has no desire to connect because she's convinced of all these conspiracy theories.
I never received care or attention. I needed extra guidance and still do, due to me being on the spectrum, but I received nothing. I had to just sit back and be a witness to their horror show, so I began to disassociate very young. I was diagnosed with PTSD with dissociative symptoms due to my own development of delusional beliefs during the peak of the chaos. I started work at 15 just to get out of the house on the weekends when my dad was home. I fell in love with a teacher at school, simply because he showed me attention (nothing sexual, just friendly and fun) and I tried to confess my crush over email and got in trouble. It was a huge wake up call for me that I am way more fucked up than I thought. I still became fixated on older men. I fell to substance abuse myself during late highschool and began dating men in their 30's, eventually moving in with one who was himself an alcoholic and abuser. I went through a phase where I met up with strangers online (not dating sites, weird stuff like 'seeking amateur model' type predators) and ended up having sex with them. Much much older men. I was very fucked up for a long time and in many ways still am.
I got out on my own at 22 and in the last few months have made the push to move about 40 miles away from my hometown, got a full time job as a mail carrier, and am now left with this super peaceful existence. However now that I'm at rest, all the horrid memories are coming up. I've been getting triggered and dysregulated for days, having flashbacks and crying for hours. It's been like this my whole life and I still find it really hard to try and forgive.
My brother is doing surprisingly well and is successful in his independence and career, put himself through college and all despite suffering from depression and having his own interpersonal trauma separate from our home stuff. My younger sister was groomed by a 50yr old man when she was around 14yrs old and she is still with him today. Hasn't worked a day in her life, fully dependent on him. Once again, never got help for her autism and I honestly don't even blame her for taking her chance to get the hell out of our house. Obviously in the beginning I was the only one trying to get this guy arrested as my parents were clueless and unable to do shit. Now we've all just had to kind of accept it, but it's sad.
I'm seeing my parents wither away into madness. My dad is still functional (he's always held his engineering job) but lives in fantasy land. He just bought more property in the forest but doesn't even think to try and get my mom mental help. He recognizes how bad she is but is convinced he can just talk her down if she ever gets amped up/manic. Holy shit it's exhausting to just simply witness their shit. I yearn so often to just close the door gently and say 'bye bye'. I have fond memories of them. I don't think they're bad people. They are so deeply wounded beyond repair, though. I'm still walking the tightrope trying not to fall off and go back into my darkness. I'm finally feeling stable and now it's just a matter of...okay, I'm safe now. I don't rely on them for a single thing now. So what's in it for me to keep in contact? Not much. In fact I think it would be in my favor to stop contact.
My parents are really good at guilt tripping. Anytime I've brought up my side of things they just say 'I don't remember that' or 'At least you weren't ____" playing the 'I had it much worse' game and 'I did everything for you' even though it was the bare fucking minimum, if that. We were neglected our whole childhoods.
I have concern that if I do it and they get sick or die that I'll have to live with the burden of knowing I could have done something. But really, what can I do for people who have made their choices to be fuck ups? I see no intentions of trying to get better from either of them. Even if they did a 180 and started trying, I'd still be sceptical and unsure whether I could ever feel comfortable around them ever again. Its almost too far gone to come back from, you know?
To this day I've tried the forgive and forget. I've tried the empathy thing. I understand they are hurt people. But the young girl in me is fucking angry and she wants justice. I don't want to make the mistake of doing it just because I want to hurt them. If I do this I need to remember it's for ME. How they might react is honestly pretty irrelevant because that's not what it's about. It's about taking my power back...to sound cliche.
This is only a quarter of the picture but I hope this lays it all out in a somewhat comprehensive way. Honestly anytime I actually start to explain this shit to anyone the answer becomes obvious, but I just need support to feel like I'm not being a terrible selfish person for considering this.
TLDR: Parents neglected me and my siblings because of their drug use and general disregard for how we would be affected by their behavior. They both experience psychosis and deny that they ever did anything wrong when confronted. I'm finally stable. Do I cut them off?

Some context. My grandma isn’t mentally ill because of old age she has been this way since since a young age maybe since birth I’m not sure.
She is (yes still alive) mentally ill to the point of touching kids in perverted way including me and to the point of hearing voice that would tell her she should physically hurt me and other family, try to run random people over, constantly fake having a illness or even trying to make her kids/grandkids sick for attention, stabbed my grandpa’s for not loving her anymore. Etc etc
I was a smart kid and I hated her, in my eyes she was less than a human for what she put me and my family through. So I used to make up crazy lies knowing she would believe them to make time spent with her a little fun. Normally I’m very compassionate for mental illness but the stuff she has done was way too much for anybody to handle.
One time I convinced her I had a treehouse somewhere in her neighborhood (knowing damn well I wasn’t even allowed to go outside without a adult yet) I made this woman follow me for a hour, before just turning around and saying it was gone. And she was devastated, like almost crying because somebody “took” my treehouse. And I had a great laugh about it.
Disclaimer: The whole family stopped contant with her 10 years ago because she just wouldn’t change. She stalked us for a couple years after…She has been to multiple mental hospitals but she never changed. And I still think what I did was hilarious.

This might be a long read so brace yourself ...
When I'm asking if I'm being in the wrong here I only mean in terms of accountability and in regards to the situation and not so much about the wrong or right itself and would like some insight/advice basically..
TLDR:

Mixed feelings about a girl I just been dating for a few weeks or so? We only met around 2 times in person since she's somewhat busy. I feel like I'm putting more effort and energy than receiving it but unsure if it's just because the other person prefer taking things slow but I can't tell because whenever I ask her if she's interested, she's always kinda deflecting the subject. She's going to be away for the next 4 months so I won't be able to talk to her and our last convo this morning was kinda awkward ..

Relationships Background: I met my first ex a few months ago and she gave me a speedrun of everything most couple would usually do after a few months and since I didn't know any better I just went with it since she was my first everything. It ended with her initiating the breakup after less than a month after 2 weeks of long distance after she came to visit me. She gave me the "it's not you, it's me" and "you are the first one to treat me right" (she had multiple partners). She was also a bit insecure and sensitive and needed constant reassurance.
In the case of [HER], all her exes are by products of one night stands which ended up into relationship because they all asked her for one to her surprised and she just agreed with them. She described as liking them but not really ever falling in love with them so I guess I'm the first one to be fall into that category. In [HER] case, she is highly confident about herself and in what she accomplish (makes a lot more money than the average person). She gets self gratification from making money even though she can just live off her parents wealth but she finds having nothing to do boring so she became independent.
With that in mind, here's how this story starts.
On April 3rd, I reinstall Hinge because I want to have some new connection after moving on from my ex. It's not until April 23rd when I match with [HER]. At first I was surprised since I didn't expect it so I express my surprised via text in which she later explained her side via a voice note saying that she thought I looked like one of her students so she was afraid someone would recognize her which is her fear so she never matched with me. (I sent her a total of around 4 likes because I used to delete my account and make a new one again and her acc would always show and she kinda recognize from that as well.)
After that, we just exchange a lot of voice notes talking to each other about stuff and things which later I ask if its okay for me to ask her to go out on a date at this point. She then explains she has some requirements before actually going on a date with someone, she prefers getting someone a little bit more and seeing if we're compatible before meeting since she finds it weird how most people would rush which I agreed.
From there, we talk a bit more via voice note where she asks me what's my definition of love and my concept of relationships which she said almost is the same as hers. She explained for her to fall in love for someone it would at least take her 5 years or so and that's after they're able to past the 4 stages of love described in her own way; honeymoon phase, difference, compromise and initial stage of love.
The next day we just talk some more via text and and voice notes till 2 AM and what not talking about random things and life. At this point, I thought we had some good chemistry or so. We later talk about our exes and stuff.
A few days later I then try and ask again for a date since it felt like we had established some sort of rapport and knew a bit more of each other. She then tells me more about her schedule and how busy she'll be and how she'll be traveling soon in the next 2 weeks for her school stuff. At some point she said she had a symposium she was organizing at the university and I asked if it would be weird If I came to see her.
She said she didn't mind but wouldn't have time to cater me since it would be busy. Please also note that up until this point, I didn't know her real name since in Hinge she's using some random name and I didn't really ask her about it since I guess she didn't want to but I figure me showing up to that event, I would at least find what's her name which I did.
Anyways day comes and I show up to the event, it's is a medium size classroom. I didn't recognize her at first since she had a different haircut. I didn't wanna intrude or anything so I just sat there listening to the event till the end. I didn't really get the chance to talk to her or anything by the end since they had an after party and whatnot so I decided to head home instead feeling somewhat weird? So rather than just heading straight home I just sat there on the subway train listening to music instead. I texted her saying I wished we could have spent a bit of time together but you looked so busy and what not.
After a few minutes later I decide to head out for a walk because I was just feeling weird, I then see a text from her inviting me to help with returning books to the library if I want to which I agreed. To my surprised she showed up with two luggages .. which we just walked around till we reach the library. From there, I got to finally meet her in person and talk to her for a bit. I thought we had a good time, by the end I walked her home and that was mostly. We just kinda waved to her each and say goodbye to each other. I was kinda thirsty that night so I asked her for water but she gave me some korean brand banana juice instead. I then later send her a text thanking her for inviting me to help her which she doesn't reply to.
She's usually only replies if I initiate the conversation first which then let me gaslight myself into thinking it's because she's probably busy .. anyways we text each other for a bit that night because I asked for her number later instead of using Hinge. I then get somewhat down bad and ask if I can see her again tomorrow in which she replies "what's the benefit of seeing you again tomorrow?" which I thought was funny but she was serious. She had to write her REB so I guess she didn't really have time.
It's then the weekend and on the morning of Saturday she invites me to join her to the library and then we can eat at some place later if I want to where she'll be busy working on some stuff. She emphasize that she'll be annoyed if she is disturbed while trying to get work done which I didn't mind since my work is online and I only need a laptop to work.
I showed up at the library a bit early and letting her know, she then tells me she's going to get some coffee nearby first and then meet me so I wait for her at the library. Around 30 min goes by and I start getting a bit worried because she still hasn't showed up and hasn't given me any updates at which point I text her if anything is alright or if she's safe and what not. I get no answers for a bit then later she texts me she's inside where I was on my way to the coffee so I go back inside and then we just sit near each other and focus on our work. I give her the same korean banana juice which I found later at some korean market I went by to buy before meeting her. A few hours goes by we then go to a japanese place by walking there so I get to speak with her for a bit which was nice. I then pay for the bill then walk her home and then again we just wave to each other and say goodbye.
At this point, there has been no physical affection or the sort. Her body language isn't really telling me she's comfortable so I'm not really going for it even though I'm starving for it. I figure she prefers taking things slow so I'll go at her pace. Again, I text her later thanking her for inviting me and spending some time together which I appreciate. She doesn't really reply and giving me back the same energy.
So constantly, I'm always wondering if she's interested in me or enjoy spending time with me. When I ask her about it, it most of the time gets deflected or maybe it's a language barrier and I don't always get what she means when she sends some of her texts if I'm being honest but for some reason I find it cute. it's not like she's playing hard to get but it's confusing to say the least.
Anyways, because of that, I became hesitant to make plans to see her again since she doesn't really people calling her on the phone either unless absolutely necessary she explained to which I joked saying if I'm about to die then I'll call you.
After that second "date". i just try to limit my interaction to texting her a few text daily or so because I just wanted to have some kind of interaction with her. At this point I realized this may or may not be a one-side interest but then I gaslight myself thinking, she's a busy person and still makes some time for me so surely she's interested in some way?.
After a week or so of daily interaction I decide to somewhat stop contact because I also wanted to focus on my stuff and perhaps explore my other dating options if any .. a week goes by and I never hear from her again until one day she just sends me a text that just finished working at some factory as an interpreter and that her phone will be temporarily be disabled because she'll be traveling.
I then expressed my surprised because I figured she had forgotten about me and whatnot. We then exchange a few text here and there, we both caught a cold and talked about how shitty the weather is here and stuff. Again, I'm always the one having to initiate or there won't be any contact .. like at all. So it's hard for me to know if the person is interested even when being asked so I'm left with just overthinking.
Anyways, I ask her more about what time she's leaving and what time and if she wants to spends the last 2 days eating out and spending time together and stuff.
She said she went to some resto the day before but it was busy and had no table because of mother's day. At this point, I looked up the resto because I wanted to make some reservation so we could go there but I stopped myself because I had no idea what kind of situationship this was and if I was putting more effort and not receiving any. So I ended up sleeping instead.
The next day in the morning she texts me she went back to that resto but found out it's only open on certain days for brunch so she was sad and we exchanged a few random texts from that.
then the next day, this is our last conversation this morning before she's away for the next 4 months ..
ME

Will I see you again after 4 months or this is goodbye..? I feel a bit envious of your exes because they all got to be in a relationship with you and meet the girlfriend version of [HER] and all I ever got seems to be the busy version that just sends me off saying bye bye and leaving me confused most of the time with her texts haha 😅

HER

? wtf you don at 6 am plus even boyfriends need to see me off for the summer. I only going for fieldwork, not leaving. don't worry, you will see me when I'm back

ME

I was trying to fix my sleep schedule and I ended up waking up early randomly and then you were in my thoughts idk What do you mean I'll see you after you're back, are you saying you want me to wait for you? 😭 I don't even know what we are, I figured you're too busy to think about that or me as an option so I'm left overthinking.. I would have wanted to see you off but I didn't know where we stand

HER

I thought you gonna visit yesterday since you asked

ME

I wanted to but I didn't know if you wanted me to since it seemed you wanted to go to [restaurant] I was gonna make reservations there but then I realized I might be doing too much because I don't know we're in a relationship or just buddies. Now you leave in one hour and I'm even more confused

HER

Can't you see the problem in your first 'relationship' is that you guys rush everything? In my opinion, you don't know how to form healthy relationships. Take it slow. If you want to see me, make plans. Don't moan afterwards this and that. I can tell you I have always been very busy even with boyfriends. I suggest you set goals and we can celebrate together once you achieve them. I will be back in September. You're welcome to contact me then.

ME

Yes I agree that rushing was the issue in my first but in this case it's more of a mutual interest and communication. From my perspective, it seems like I'm chasing you for some reason because I'm not getting the same energy that I'm sending out. It seems you only respond if I initiate first. I'm always left wondering if you actually want to spend time with me or interested. When I ask you about that, you seem to be deflecting instead of giving me a straight answer or tell me how you feel.. I literally have no idea what you feel most of the time aside from being busy

I can take it slow as a 100 years as long that I know the other person is also interested in building something together in the near future with me. I do want to make plans but it's hard to differentiate if I'm being used for my kindness or for attention when I receive no reassurance when being asked for it? Surely you understand the concept of return on investment.
Or maybe you're right, maybe I'm the problem idk..
HER

well, investment. I would say even my friends invest more on me than you, if you really want to argue that. I also think if we can't make good friends, we won't make good couples. If you rush things, I will retreat because I need my independence more than anything. Make you own choice. Do not talk like a victim.

I didnt really reply anything after that because well not sure how to respond after reading that so I ended up on reddit instead.
NEED OBJECTIVE OPINIONS/ADVICES? I consider myself pretty in tune with myself and my emotions but here I find myself a bit confused and I can't tell if I'm getting clingy or obsessive or too close to the situation to think clearly so I figured I'd make a post and hear some of yall thoughts on this to see if maybe I'm the one who still need to work on myself or maybe we're just not compatible? I guess it would also help me get some closure and not feel so shitty.
p.s if you made it this far, thank you for reading and hopefully you have some insight on my situation since I do not have that much experience when it comes to dating certain girls.
i also passively use twitter and saw this tweet that goes: I’ve noticed I don’t have an issue communicating. My issue is people’s responses . It’s the lack of accountability and the one-sided perceptions that I cannot tolerate.
And I thought that was kinda how I'm feeling right now but not sure ...

Had this cRaZy idea at the path station going home... shit maybe I don't have to pep talk myself... *all* by myself and work it out in my own head. Maybe I don't have to look for Reddit "articles" that fit my situation, maybe it's time to make my own post. Maybe everything doesn't have to be confined to the walls of my journals.
Disclaimer: obviously, I'm not asking for anyone to fix my problem for me. I'm fully aware that it has to come from *within*. But some advice, especially in overcoming shared experiences, would be very helpful at this point. And yes yes yes I know it sounds like I'm taking open mics waaayyy too seriously. I know I am. I know I'm good at overthinking and I know it's what I'm doing now. Open mics are supposed to be scary-fun but when it comes to the actual moment's reality, I just make it scary. I'm on the verge of seeking performance anxiety therapy. Otherwise extremely frustrated with myself.
It's worth noting that I (24f) struggled with crippling, mute-level social anxiety since ... birth?..as a child. Which in many situations cannot be noticed now, but it's definitely evolved into selective mutism. Anyway, I'm a musician, I've been a melodic lyricist since I was a little kid, started teaching myself guitar when I was a young teenager. In high school and early college, I had a really goofy phobia of playing in front of people -- even if it was just pals bein pals (I'm definitely over that much now). Years go by, I stuck with music even though I was forced into college by external/societal forces and financial aid. Transferred to community school after one year, and eventually dropped out with an associate's when I was past the age of a bachelors....When I realized that working part time to pay for school and personal wants (many of them music-related), and schooling part time not knowing a damn thing about what my true calling was besides music, was making me miserable. Days of silent treatment from my ma didn't stop me (never should, I realized).
So here I am, two years later. Working on an album with many trials and tribulations, but I'm embracing the journey. Yet the one thing that's been urking me is the fact that I just haven't played live, even if that means practicing doing it (it's next-level terrifying). I've also moved to Jersey City since dropping out of college, and it (/NYC) is literally the Land of Opportunity when it comes to open mics. When I was still living with my mom (in Bumblefuck, NJ -- I live with my dad now here in JC), I played *one* open mic a year and a half ago in Montclair -- a good hour or so away from where I was living then -- and absolutely bombed it. I let external input dictate my "setlist" way too much; I wasn't well prepared; my voice shook throughout the performance; the mic wasn't even a decent distance from my mouth, but I neglected the setup process altogether. Hell, I didn't even bring my guitar in its case because I was afraid of even the most subtle shit fucking up the tuning. Total flight-or-flight mode; just wanted to be off the stage asap. Why I even followed through with the sign-up, shit. You'd just have to ask 22-yo Morgan. I don't know. In a weird way, she had balls that I don't have now.
But because of that experience, I've learned soo much about preparation and putting *personal* intention behind selecting covers and originals. And the kind of stuff to select for a usually-acoustic setting. After being fickle with my choices far too long, I allowed myself to divert some of my attention from recording/Garageband producing, and finally assembled a setlist over time that I feel works for me. Practiced the hell out of it. Maybe too much, at least the first cover and original that I picked before #3 (a cover and a good choice that I heard at work one day). My psychiatrist also recently prescribed me blood-pressure-lowering medication that I take about 45 minutes beforehand to avoid palpitations interfering with my performance (like the first one in Montclair).
So once I felt like I had all the songs down, I decided it's time to fuckin finally sign up. So I did (via Instagram) just less than a week before, for a bar with weekly Monday open mics. It was a NY venue ... I took the path train, then the subway, then I made the short walk. The place itself suddenly freaked me out. Like the Google Images page, the pictures of the venue were suddenly real. My pussy ass walked passed it like I was going somewhere else (when you're a tiny, forgetfully-"unarmed" female in NYC, ALWAYS look like you know where you're going). Made the street-grid in my head when I was walking past it since I was early enough to psych myself out; I thought I'd just walk a few blocks and come back. Started to come back.... no. Turned around; waste of metro money to say the least.
The night that followed and the day after, I hated myself so much for doing that. I DMed the same person on Instagram asking to sign up for the following week. Throughout the week leading up to it, I handwrote myself a literal 8-page pep-talk journal entry (all with very good points to combat the feelings and apprehensive thoughts). I thought that the self-disappointment and regret would be enough of a motivator for the next one. But this past Monday (a week later)? Same shit. Repeated cycle. Decided I'd play at a different one I knew of the following night (which was yesterday/Tuesday, who also has them weekly) -- signups were at the door, and the time limit was only 7 minutes, so I'd only play two songs that were very simple, one original and one cover, and it'd be over before I knew it. I got there pretty early (another New York venue) -- I was the first one there. The doors hadn't even opened; host walked past me asking me if I was there for the open mic, that the doors were opening in about 15 minutes, I said yeah. Nerves started creeping up a little bit. But my feet stayed planted to the pavement. I was feeling like, yeah, this is really happening. More performers started arriving -- some of them were nice, some of them made me even more nervous, but either way most of them seemed like they were at least a little self-assured (the comics very playful; one of them even had a special coming up), and knew someone else there waiting for the doors to open. The more people that showed up, the more scared I got. But networking with the others just confirmed all the more that I was going to play. I started to get that fight-or-flight response; the fear was growing... then the doors opened. I stood in line, I was talking to people a little; I probably didn't seem very scared on the surface but I sure was. At this venue they make you pay to perform, so when it came to be my turn in line, I thought of a quick out -- "is there an ATM?" When I heard there was one down the block (even though they also take card or Venmo), I turned around and DIPPED.
Here I am today, feeling shittier than ever about this. How it could've even ended up being fun, could've opened doors to more opportunities, connections, and maybe friends. I have other scattered open mics planned besides the other two weekly venues I mentioned, one I'm thinking to do Friday outside the city (somehow being in a different area where I can be sure no one knows me or will, to start out / warm up before I start going more locally, makes me feel better). Here I am again thinking that this will be motivation enough, thinking "next time / Friday will truly be the one [if I can switch shifts at work]". But there's another voice that asks myself, how can I be so self-assured about that at this point, when I've recently felt this way two times before, and it resulted in the same outcome?
Messing up is part of the process, and yeah it's scary, especially thinking about nerves affecting my playing and vocals, but here is where it comes back to the social anxiety -- that fear of being perceived is 10x scarier. Performance anxiety to a socially anxious person, is voluntarily skydiving to a person who needs a Xanax to be on an airplane, especially when it's so personal and passionate; different than a forced presentation in front of a class (which I also always used to get nervous for). And when I ask myself, "can a performer and this level of anxiety actually coexist? Am I even meant for this?" ... I think about something that somebody sent me about Jerry Garcia (for those who don't know, deceased Grateful Dead lead guitarist/vocalist/lyricist) -- how Bob Weir (bandmate) thinks the drugs that killed him were to deal with this level of performance anxiety that was too much to fit inside of a human body. Meanwhile, the audience loved him, whether they were in another world on psychs or not. The same person who sent that Jerry Garcia thing to me, I respect a lot as a performer and overall musician. He circumstantially is set up through family, though, to always be playing with other people and having gigs. He told me a story about how he found an open mic he was going to do, drove there, sat in the lot, and turned around. Performing alone is scary in general. I know I'm not the first person to do this and not the last, probably. But doing that three times doing in a row? I really want to start doing regular open mics so badly, but it's as if this fear just possesses my insides when it comes time to actually do it. The other frustrating aspect to it is that another part of me is as brave as I've been weak-minded.
I also know that the rather simple answer, in essence, is just getting up there and actually fucking doing it. But I'm wondering if there is anyone here who has had this experience, and what you did to overcome it; what made you really play that first time after those cold-feet "outtakes". And even if you didn't really do the cold-feet thing in the past, any advice or perspective or support in this community would be much appreciated. And do you think I could go back to those same venues without being looked down on or cringed at (if they remember me)? If you even read it this far, I also really appreciate that to begin with. I'm also very open to criticism and tough love, but please keep it cordial and kind.

I apologise if this is really random and maybe not even relevant enough of this sub but I really need an outsider perspective on this:
I (M17) have a small friendgroup with two of these friends being L(17F) and D(18M) being part of it. L and I could have been considered best friends since about one and a half years but lately that has changed.
L and I basically knew everything about eachother (or atleast I thought so) so when she told me about her girlfriend that she had been with since September last year I obviously believed her. She could provide pictures and everything, around the same time D also got into a supposed relationship, he couldn’t provide anything but I didn’t really care since we weren’t that close and why would someone lie about that if you’re old enough to download a dating.
D is very anti social and only hangs around us (the group) when L is also present and lately L has only been showing up to meet ups to smoke and cuddle with D, maybe initiating three conversations in the evening max and keeps scurrying off to isolated spaces with D. Which is just kinda sad cus L used to be an integral part of our meet ups and now she only voluntarily interacts with us to smoke.
On sunday (the day before the classtrip we’re currently on) L came clean about her and D being a couple to me and another friend in the group. While her „gf“ was a friend who was happy to cover for her, D‘s „gf“ was completely made up.
We did tell her then that we’re happy for them but really don’t appreciate being lied to for 8 months and how she could do it so easily.
After that her and her bf lost all shame infront of us and while I get kissing infront of people and public displays of affection are something couples really enjoy and feel a need to do it grosses some of our friendgroup out (including me) mainly because its a serious sexual interaction and not just joking like everything else we do.
L has been hella dry the past few days ESPECIALLY when D is around, he’s all she wants to talk about. (which Id get in the honeymoon phase and I get that you now get to talk about him but why hang out if you just keep repeating the same stuff we already know about him??)
Today we were hanging out in the girls hotel room, L was showering and D came in, knocked on the bathroom door, she let him in (atleast partially unclothed if not nude) and they spent 5 mins in there with one friend mentioning it being uncomfortable to her.
Later we were all sitting in relative quiet when I (in a somewhat joking tone) told D and L that cuddling under a blanket together was kinda gross. L told me that she gets that I want sex so bad and some other stuff I hones don’t remember.
(Which btw is because I have a long distance boyfriend and have admitted that I am jealous about them being able to cuddle eachother)
I raised my voice because she also did and wouldn’t let me talk and just kind of unloaded on her that it was uncomfortable because we now knew that their interactions were infact sexual. (This is the part where I may be the asshole)
She then went quiet and said that that is why they kept it a secret, I replied that they didn’t keep it a secret, they lied.
After that I knew the mood was ruined and I felt like everyone was mad (at me) and skidaddled back to my room and I also ruined the night for everyone else aswell.
Another thing that is probably not relevant but I do wish to vent here is that me and L used to hold hands casually and grab eachothers butts (Iam 100% gay and hold hands with basically everyone who lets me) since September she doesn’t like me touching her at all and has told me not to touch her ass while smacking and grabbing mine all the same (Ive since stopped touching other people anywhere but their arms to not make them uncomfortable) the fact she doesn’t want that type of interaction anymore exactly since she got in a relationship with D makes me feel like she always thought of these interactions as sexual which seriously makes me uncomfortable since I see it as platonic banter.
Am I the asshole and if yes (or no) how do I salvage the friendship me and L if it even is. Do I jus give her space or do I like do not?? Idk what to do really, I might have to leave the friendgroup because of my behaviour but idk. Someone tell me what to do, and if Im the asshole here PLEASE

I'm not doing great at the moment since it just happened. I don't like gossip or talking behind people's back. Ironic I know. This post is about whether or not I did the right thing. Please don't insult anyone else: my mom (umm), my wife (Annie), my dad (abpa), my brother (Barry), my sister (Maggie), my cousin (Frank).
Save your judgment for me. Context: I'm 35M. first born. I left home after a huge fight with my mom after college. I was homeless for a bit. We've since reconciled. But I suppose not anymore. There's history there.
I'm only posting to see if what I did was wrong.
All names have been replaced and are not real. Other details like dates and places that are personally identifiable will be removed/changed. There are two languages: I will always show the original and translate as fairly as I can.
It is relevant for fairness to share that my mom is 3 hours ahead of me. I'm west coast, she's east coast. (10am for me it's 1pm for her) My time will be shown in the messages.
I will keep all messages exact and unedited, outside of the above.
I repeat: DO NOT INSULT MY MOM OR WIFE OR FAMILY. am I the asshole. nothing about them. just me.
On Mom's Birthday:
Mom [10:43am] it's mom's birthday but nothing is here (original: 엄마 생일인데 아무것도 없어.) [10:52am] [Picture of kitchen island with boxed tonesunscreen on it] [10:53am] (Mom is/I am) really sad. This is what Annie sent me for a gift. $10-20 toiletries. Something I don't even use. (original: 엄마 많이 섭섭해. 이게 [name]가 보낸 선물이야. $10-20 짜리 화장품. 엄마 이거 쓰지도 않는데.)
Me [11:51am] She got the same thing she got for you and her mom. Throw it out and I'll make sure to buy something nicer for you.
Mom [12:03pm] If she or her mom got the thing then I should get the same thing. I'm not Annie or Annie's mom. I'm your mom. You shouldn't treat me like this. [12:07pm] Not even one happy birthday said. (original: 생일 축하한단 말 한마디 없이.)
Me [12:56pm] call (no answer) [1:11pm] call (no answer)
Next day:
Mom [5:10am] I didn't answer the phone yesterday because I felt like I'm crying. I don’t want to talk like that with you. When you got married Annie I tried to treat her as an our family member. I know I can not treat her same as Maggie (my sister). But last year she didn’t say any word on my birthday. Even you and I talked on the phone. I didn’t want so much from her just as a family say good word on birthday wishes. This year same thing. And you, when you asked me what can I do for you ( maybe you forgot that even you asked) I literally said “다른거 필요 없고 무슨날 엄마 밥이나 사줘” (translation: I don't need anything just buy me some dinner some time) I’m not asking you expensive things. Don’t say throw them out but nicer things. You really missed the point.
Me [11:28am] You were upset because I didn’t do something for your birthday by 1040am on a Workday. It’s not about expensive things but you want to text a picture of the gift and say it’s $10-20. You got a gift, but no card. It’s cheap but it’s not about money. Annie’s a family member, how could she not text. Right after she texted happy mother’s day to you. Yesterday before dinner, Annie tells me “make sure you call your mom it’s her birthday”. I didn’t tell her what happened because I don’t gossip and talk bad about people behind their back. I call or text and wish a happy birthday to family. Like I’ve done every year. It’s the same as what everyone does for me. Sometimes I don’t get a call. Sometimes I don’t get a text. Sometimes the call/text comes a day later. Never did I text my family members in the morning asking why people didn’t do more for me. I’ll make sure to let Annie know about wishing happy birthday to you. In my screenshot is my daily goals from yesterday, I was excited about this week. One of those things was, of course, calling you for your birthday, just like I called for mother’s day. Two hours later while I’m in a work meeting with my boss, 1040am, I get a text from you telling me about how sad you are from my wife’s cheap gift and how I haven’t said happy birthday yet. Yesterday I woke up and went to work, and planned to call you after. You have a habit of disproportionately trying to make me feel bad. You’ve done it on your birthday before many years ago after you and abpa[dad in korean] had a fight. I was a college student and you took it out on me cause I was the easy target. You’re an adult. Your child can call later in the day to wish you a happy birthday. It’s not okay to text trying to make your son feel bad about not doing something sooner. [11:29am] [Screenshot of whatsapp conversation between me and my virtual assistant] [Screenshot start] [8:13am yesterday] Goals for Today, I want to be disciplined. It’s been a few weeks now since my conference and because of the conference and drinking there, I became slow and lost the energy to stay on top of my diet/exercise and morning routines that I was so happy and proud of. Let’s get back to that this week. Let’s work hard, let’s continue to set sights on big goals. I want to work on the 3 projects I have going right now. [personal project 1 company idea], [personal project 2 company idea], and [current company].
Today I will exercise 25 situps, 25 pushups, 25 curls, 25 shoulder press, and 25 squats. Today I will finish a few [work things] for [company]. Today I will teach class for [project 2] finish [lesson], and let folks know that there will not be class on wednesday. I will call my mom later today and wish her a happy birthday. I will also be going to my brother’s to take care of credit card points so that we can buy tickets for [trip], let’s work hard today and get a lot done. [Screenshot end]
Mom [4:09pm] My birthday is passed last year and this year. She didn’t text or say anything these two years. You may think that’s ok but not for me. I just expect to acknowledge these days and congrat each other. Is that too much? I don’t expect anything from her. But you mentioned so proudly on Sunday that Annie send me TWO gifts. I just want you to know I’m very disappointed that you are ok with that gifts. That’s why I mentioned the price as well. My birthday and Mother’s Day are always near by. Sometimes same day or sometimes few day apart. Is that too much that I asked you more thoughtful gift from you? If you think that’s too much , forget about this conversation. I think I’ve never treated you like this.
Me [2:03am] You’ve treated me way worse in my life. You didn’t wait for a text. You wanted to text me to make me feel bad. You had a bad morning. Maybe a bad night. You didn’t feel like I cared or people cared. Or maybe something else happened. And you wanted me to feel bad.
But your happiness is not my responsibility.
Your birthday is not a free pass to send guilt tripping texts to me and expect nice texts back. Annie sent you poison? She sent you a 4.5 star tonesunscreen with thousands of nice reviews. She was just trying to send something nice. It’s not expensive. But you say it’s not about money? Then why are you crying about it?
No one said “happy birthday” yet? The day wasn’t over. Why text me only? Barry[My brother] didn’t call until 5pm.
No one else gave you a good gift? Or are you comparing it with gifts that you’ve given to Annie? Then you give revenge-gifts. If that’s it then don’t ever give Annie and I anything ever again. You just wanted a dinner? I’m on the other side of the country.
Should I text you on my birthday asking why my mailbox is empty? Should I ask abpa[dad] the last 20 years where’s my present? Should I try and make you or abpa feel bad on my birthday if I’m unhappy? No, of course not. None of those is how a mature person behaves. Because my happiness is not your responsibility.
“Just want a text to acknowledge and congratulate”. You didn’t wait for any text. You chose to start upset.
Why didn’t you text Barry? if it’s just the text of happy birthday? You scared of his response?
I know why you’re not scared of me. 5 years of therapy to learn the way you used me as an emotional punching bag.
Your birthday morning wasn’t the way you wanted. Your gift wasn’t the way you wanted. You didn’t feel like anyone cared. Whoever you talked to. Whatever happened. You were unhappy. So you sent those texts to me.
You try to make me feel bad when you’re unhappy with your life. Why? When you used to have a hard day at work. Bad [customer]. Bad traffic. Bad interaction with coworkers/boss. Bad talk with abpa[dad], grandma, Frank hyung(older cousin who lived with us). Who do you think received your anger for no fucking reason? If I did all my homework, played [instrument 1], practiced [instrument 2], got good grades, did all my kumon(after school homework) did you know it doesn’t matter what I did, if YOU had a bad day?
If I’m watching tv, or playing a game, if you have a bad day, then my day has to be a bad day. Because people around you can’t be happy when you’re miserable. Not people that you can control. And controlling me was all you had. Even as I got older. Not allowed to leave the house.
You couldn’t control the language or culture out of the house, you couldn’t control grandma, frank hyung, or abpa in the house. your whole life, you couldn’t control too much.
So you controlled what? me. a kid. And as soon as hitting me didn’t make me cry you just tried to control my emotions to make me cry.
2010 May [day retracted]. Fight with abpa in the morning, he leaves the house. So you go down to the basement to yell at your son for not getting you a cake.
Junior in college crying, guilty in the basement buying you cake. That’s what you wanted. Someone you controlled. Someone to be miserable because you were miserable.
5 years of therapy in my late 20s to learn you’re the reason I don’t notice when women step all over me. I grew up used to it. Bad women relationships, weak sense of self, emotional abuse, angry all the time. Parents like you made Asian Americans the least likely to become managers in the USA (context: I became one in my later 20s). No confidence. No inner strength. Just quiet private anger. A young man clenching his fists, holding his tongue, and listening to orders.
Constantly blame others, blame myself. Always angry. Always yelling at [dog1]/[dog2], always trying to control them when I’m upset. Critical of everything, everyone, myself, never feeling like I’m enough or okay. Because growing up I was constantly on the receiving end of anger that I didn’t create. Don’t talk back. Don’t look at the eyes. Look at the wall. Never right. Always wrong. But every year I’m fixing that a little bit. Why? Because now I’m responsible for my own happiness.
I refuse to stay a bad dad to [dog2].
No more blaming, just thinking and working. being confident. fighting back. defending mself. speaking out. Looking at people in the eye.
Yesterday you didn’t feel good. So I was the one who did something terrible for your birthday? Hmm. I was going to call just like Barry did. You’re sad about the gift? You feel like no one cares. Why is it that I’m the only one that got those texts. You think your message was going to create apologies and happy birthdays from me? No. I don’t think so. You just wanted me to feel bad. Because you felt bad. You like controlling me. And affecting my emotions.
It’s why I left home many years ago. And you still have old habits. You wanted me to feel bad. You did the same thing talking about the [old project] community a few years ago. When you don’t feel happy. You try to make me feel bad.
But I’m old enough to know now that I didn’t do anything to deserve that yesterday. And you’re not allowed to step on me like that anymore. I’m not some weak 21 year old that’s crying in the basement buying you cake. I told Annie not to call. Your negative behavior is not allowed in my life.
Every day I work to undo things from my past. You’ve stepped on me your whole life. Made me a very scared, very angry young man. People like that never make it in the world successfully. They have all kinds of problems. But I want this to be very clear. I am going to be successful. I am going to be a [retracted]. I am going to make a positive difference in this world for those who are positive to others. And It will be despite all that you’ve done to me. It will happen because I will surround myself with peace, and positivity. Not negativity and manipulation. Through peace and for others, I will work harder than you or abpa or anyone you have ever known has ever done in their entire lives.
But If I don’t make it, that’s on me. If I’m unhappy today, that’s on me. If I lack something today, that’s me. I have to choose to be better. I have to work harder. Cause I’m responsible for my happiness.
You can choose whether or not you want to be negative or positive person moving forward in my life. That’s your choice. You want to step on me? Try to bring me down when you feel down? That’s your choice. But it’s my choice whether or not to let you be in my life.
you being unhappy yesterday morning. That’s you. That’s your choice. Acting the way you did. trying to make your son feel bad. That’s all you. You’re responsible for your own happiness. I didn’t do anything yesterday to deserve your texts trying to pull me down.
This is my last text about this. This conversation is over. Say one more thing about this that doesn’t resemble an apology and I’m not going on the [family trip]. Keep telling me youre an “innocent victim” “all I wanted was a happy birthday text” and you won’t hear from me for years. Be responsible for your actions. I have no room for your negative emotional manipulation in my life.
Mom [7:14am] Annie…. Very first gift from her was well known brand toner. That gave me bad skin reaction so I had to throw it out. I don’t want to talk to her about it because I appreciated what she wanted to try. But next time when I saw her in las Vegas I told her that her sun screen lotion ( what she used at that time) gave me a bad reaction so I can not use it. Last year when Maggie gave her 화장품 (toiletry) as a birthday gift she said that thanks but she can not use it because she has allergic reactions. Which is understandable but she’s still doing same thing to me. I don’t know who mentioned about good reviews or you found out your self. That doesn’t mean it’s good for me. She and I didn’t talk that much anything so far only few subject. I feel like she doesn’t care. I don’t know why you guys decided to send gift more than a month before. And how you said she send me two gifts made me so upset.
Barry… Barry and I talked about our birthday on the phone last week how it was good at last year’s dinner. He planned but eventually Appa paid( I mentioned who paid because you don’t get wrong info. ) and the way he always said skipping one year is not end of the world. We laughed about it. And he said next time we gonna have a good time. He called at 5 pm on my birthday I know as soon as he woke up he called me.
You mentioned why Barry is ok. Did I scare him? Come on… he is not saying nice words all the time but he is very thoughtful person. I think you agree with this.
You… I really sorry that you have all bad memories about me and your youth. I can not go back and I can not fix it now. I’m thinking back that days if I can live again maybe react little differently like I treated Maggie. As a first child you had a lot bad experiences. I agreed. But don’t say your life was miserable because of ME all the time. If you think this way there’s no reason to see me. I’m really happy to see, hear and feel that you’re working hard, being healthy and having enjoyable life. I want you to be a healther, happier and more successful person than right now. That’s no matter why we talked about right now. But I really want to make a point that don’t say I had bad morning or bad night before that’s why text you like that. Maybe you’re right. I had bad night before. After talked on the phone with you (as I told you before ). I felt disappointed so much. You keep saying you felt bad because of my text, why I didn’t wait? Calling to me is part of your daily plan. You keep saying I made you feel bad because I had anger problems or bad days. You’ve never thought about “what did I do wrong or did I miss anything?” You said you away from me how can I buy dinner? Same as easy to buy on line ( by Amazon) any merchandise. There’s tons of way to offer , you can make a reservation any restaurant or even you can send money 100- 200 dollars. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think it’s going to hurt you financially. Last year I waited until last minute that Annie would text me any word. No. That didn’t happen. If I waited until you call this year what’s the difference? I want more than hearing your voice is too much. Sorry that I think that way. And not being adult I ordered Rolex watch for next years your birthday gift and I was so excited about it. Maybe that’s why I’m expecting more than what you’re in mind about me. You are right. That’s all my problems.
[7:45am] If you don’t want to come [familytrip] , don’t spend time with family I can not force you to come. But don’t say if I don’t apologize you don’t come. Is new way to threaten? Come on [my name]. This is really too much.
Me [10:02am] There’s a difference between threats and boundaries. No one is allowed to be in my life to spend their energy trying to bring me down. Who would do something like that? My own mother. No we aren’t going on the [trip]. (context: all the tickets and arrangements have been purchased, this isn't some cop out, it's non-refundable, nothing to do with money on anyone's side)
You want to continue the conversation after I said I was done? Actions and consequences: Annie and I are very unthoughtful and uncaring to give you a skin care gift again. I’ll tell her exactly what happened. I’ll have her read every message. And understand what we did wrong. I’ll make sure we feel terrible today. I’ll make sure she remembers it forever. I will make sure my wife cries for your sadness and for our mistakes. We’re a bad son/wife who don’t care about my mother’s birthday and mother’s day. Your message has been fully received. We will feel sorry, we will cry and we will feel bad for you. I will struggle to work for my job. I will struggle to do my projects, and teach my students, I will think all day and all night about how sad this is. About this conversation, about our gift, about your gifts, about the phone call, the texts, mother’s day, your birthday, my birthdays. last year your birthday when we were in [another country]. I will struggle to eat and sleep properly. I know Annie and how sensitive she is. She will struggle and cry too. Your son and his wife will feel terrible about your birthday. Your message will be successful. You’ve brought the world down around you. Congratulations. Just like old times. Everyone is sad now. "You’re right.”
I will say one last thing as your son: be careful about hurting the people around you when you have a bad day. If you keep tearing the world around you down, there isn’t going to be a world left.
You and I are not going in the same direction.
I’m trying to learn how to be positive, hardworking, successful, strong, encouraging and helping others. Trying to be a little more positive everyday. Maybe I will never get there. But I will try. You want to spend your time fixating on me saying “two gifts”. You want to spend your time staring at the boxes, and sending pictures. You want to spend your time comparing, looking at costs, pitying yourself and telling people around you how terrible they are on your birthday. I guess that drama is something you want. Not me. You and I are on different paths.
After Annie and I cry for what we did. My boundary is this, I will never let you do this to me again. That will be the last scar. We will remember every year on your birthday, and remind ourselves how terrible and uncaring we were. I will remember that you wanted me to know and feel that. Every year I will remember but that will be the last scar you ever leave on me. You should return the Rolex. I will never use it, I will never wear it, I will throw it out instantly. To me it’s a poisonous gift. Don’t ever give me or Annie any gifts for the rest of my life.
We will smile and not forget that those past gifts were given out of your care and thoughtfulness. We will remember you did your best and wanted to do nice things in your way. but we will be sad with you. And be unable to use your gifts because your gifts comes with weight, revenge and paybacks. And we cannot accept them. You did everything right. You’re a good mom. We are just bad people. We never earned them or paid you back in our thoughtfulness for them. All gifts you have given me and her, we will stop using today.
I will not be receiving your messages anymore. Goodbye
[Blocked from phone/all social media.]
AITAH. Reminder do not talk bad about anyone else. I'll delete those comments. This is just about whether or not I did the right thing.

I don’t know where to start. He’s 10 years older than me and he is just so disgusting and creepy. His psychopathic behaviour goes way back. When he was around 7-10 years old (not sure cause I wasn’t born yet) he gave our grandparents’ guard dog a kitten “out of curiosity”, and the dog teared the kitten’s body open before it managed to run away injured. He told me this himself in a “aww I didn’t know any better” tone. From 15 to 18 years old, he abused our dog. He would tie her legs with duct tape and do other stuff I don’t remember. He denies all of this, but my other brother remembers (I don’t get why he didn’t do anything about it ffs, I hate him too) We also had a cat before that, who supposedly jumped off the window because she was in heat, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he pushed her off.
He was also a neonazi/alt-right from like 17 to 22 years old. After that, his political views slightly changed and he then proceeded to become anti-mask, anti-vaxx, anti-covid, all that BS.
He’s had 2 pathetic relationships his entire life, both of which were toxic/mutually abusive. One time he threatened to kill his gf while screaming like a banshee.
In 2021, when he moved to the apartment below us, everyone started praising him for how much nicer and kinder and blah blah blah he became but truly nothing changed except he can be a psycho behind closed doors now. He got another dog and I’m sure he abuses this one too since I’ve literally seen him pick the 25lbs dog by the skin on his back, plus when I dogsat him once he was super submissive and flinched a lot.
I hate how he’s now painting himself as a fucking angel and everyone is buying it. I brought up his past in an argument once and he teared up like a little victim and told me he’s not the person he was before. Bullshit. What makes my blood boil is that he is now suddenly cuddly and all to our dog, taking her out on walks etc. Meanwhile our dog is rightfully fucking scared of him. He needs to leave her the fuck alone and not cause her unnecessary stress just to prove that he won’t hurt her anymore.
He’s a singer now with his scratchy, screechy voice, posting autotuned ballads and covers on his social media to convince everyone that he is vulnerable and soft now with his “ohh baby please i love you ” kind of lyrics, it’s so embarrassing. It’s not like he’s making money off of it, he has 0 monthly listeners on spotify and like 100 views on youtube. His “singing career” was in fact just an excuse to completely stop giving a shit about college and to distract himself while failing all his classes. I think he just wants to be able to pull the “but I’m in college and I need financial help” card when my parents finally decide to stop paying his bills
Also this damn loser comes to our apartment every day to take our food and our parents enable this because they’re dumb.
So yeah that’s why I hate him and I don’t think he has changed and regretted everything, he has just found ways to mask everything now. No matter what the case is, he still hasn’t gone to therapy or been honest or apologized for his behavior, so even if he regrets things, he hasn’t held himself accountable.

• 36 Male, 5'11, 250 lbs. Located in California, USA.
• Types of providers seen/tried: Chiropractor, Physical Therapist, Massage Therapist, Internal Medicine, Family Medicine, Pain Management, Neurosurgery, Neurology, Rheumatologist.
• Spinal Stenosis, Degenerative Disk Disease, PTSD (In therapy and medicated 8 years), sleep apnea (on CPAP 5 years), and high cholesterol (On a statin for 5 years).
• Exercise: Stretching and core exercises 3+ times a week. Recently able to walk daily with a cane and a slow/moderate pace for 30+ minutes. Have gone to the gym for years, typically 3x a week for weightlifting and cardio.
• Recent non-drinker, smoked in my 20's but quit. Occasional THC gummy for pain.
• X-Ray and MRI findings below. They are both from this month.

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MRI FINDINGS:
Alignment: Straightening of the normal lumbar curvature
Bone marrow: No marrow edema
Vertebral bodies: Multilevel degenerative changes of the lumbar spine characterized by scattered disc desiccation, osteophyte formation, disc bulges. Level by level discussion of the spinal canal and neural foramina as follows:
L1-L2: No significant neural foraminal or spinal canal stenosis.
L2-L3: No significant neural foraminal or spinal canal stenosis.
L3-L4: Disc bulge. No significant neural foraminal stenosis
L4-L5: Disc bulge with superimposed central disc protrusion. Facet arthrosis. Severe spinal canal stenosis, increased from prior.
L5-S1: Disc bulge and facet arthrosis. Mass effect on traversing nerve roots.
Spinal Canal: Congenitally narrowing of the spinal canal. Conus terminates at the L1 level
Paraspinal Soft Tissues: Atrophy of the paraspinous musculature
XRAY FINDINGS:
There is some persistent very mild levorotatory curvature of the lumbar spine noted on the AP view. On the lateral views, there is some persistent very mild grade 1 retrolisthesis of L4 on L5, which increases slightly with extension and reduces completely with flexion. Lumbar spinal alignment otherwise remains intact, with no fractures or other subluxations evident. There are relatively stable mild degenerative spondylitic type changes noted, again most pronounced at the L4 level. Vertebral body heights and intervertebral disc spaces appear well-maintained. There are no pars defects identified.
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I have not been in any accidents. My back has always been sensitive. Starting at age 19, I've had bouts of intense lower back pain that have become almost constant. I was pretty active at the time and about 60 pounds lighter than I am now. About 5 ago (age 31) I was diagnosed with spinal stenosis and have received multiple epidural injections. They stopped working, so I was sent to a new Neurosurgeon for a second opinion. He recommended facet joint injections. If needed, he recommended the path forward to potentially be back flexion x-rays for a stability check, nerve ablation, and then back surgery to either decompress or stabilize the spine.
I did the facet joint injections almost a month ago. The facet joint injections worked wonderfully for about a week but the following week, pain built to the point that I was sent to the ED by my Neurosurgeon's nurse. I had severe pain in my lower back and outer-facing portion of the left leg and I'm not sure how I was even walking. I also had some tingling and numbness in my left leg, plus some possible incontinence (#1 and #2. It was just a little bit each time, so I didn't know for sure). I was in the ED for 10 hours for an MRI and a Norco, and was sent home because the spine specialist wouldn't answer his/her pages.
Another nurse from the neurosurgeon called a few days later and recommended I use a cane until I can see the MD or PA for a follow-up. They also ordered spine/back flexion xrays, which only showed minor abnormal movement of the vertebrae. The cane does really help! But unfortunately, if I go without it for even 15 minutes, the pain flares back up again. I don't always need to put my weight on it either. It seems to help me balance.
I just saw the PA yesterday and she did a lengthy physical exam to find out what hurts, check strength, et cetera. She was miffed at my use of a cane and didn't believe the stenosis had anything to do with the pain because "the pain *should* be near my tailbone". The worst pain is in fact from bellybutton-down on my back, then my left buttcheek down to my knee. She prescribed gabapentin and physical therapy even though I've done both before. A lot of us with chronic pain recognize the gabapentin/PT combo late down the line as the professional's kiss-off. She didn't mention any plan of honoring the MD's course of action. I left her office in tears because I didn't feel heard or seen, and hobbled back to my car.
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I'm at a loss with how to move forward. I would like some reasonable relief from the pain so that I can go on outings with my family comfortably, get back in the gym (I was going regularly before this most recent incident)or go for a walk without a cane. I would also like to keep up with the spinal stenosis so I don't become paralyzed or incontinent. These are the paths forward I am considering, and would really appreciate some input:

1. Stop going to the doctor. Try to manage with the cane and OTC pain relief and THC gummies. Either there's nothing more they can do for me, my symptoms aren't "severe" enough because I can still walk, I'm going to the wrong kind of doctor, or they think I'm a loon.
   
2. Go to PT and take the gabapentin. Whether it works or not, I'll have something to report back to the PA.
   
3. Schedule an appointment with the Neurosurgeon to straighten things out, possibly without seeing the PA again.
   
4. Return to my PCP and get another referral, possibly to a different specialty at his suggestion.
   

Hey! Who can help me translate a nice but stern letter to my friendly but very loud bulgarian neighbours?
— this is the letter:
Hello dear neighbors, We have not officially introduced ourselves yet, we are (NAME), (NAME) and our daughter's name is (NAME). We are very happy with our new house and feel completely at home in this street. You seem like very nice neighbors, so we’re thankful for that.
In the six months that we have lived here we have noticed that the houses and gardens are of course very noisy. There are a few things that we think could work better for all of us:
There is quite a lot of loud talking and sometimes even shouting coming from your house. Especially when there are parties or dinners going on inside or in the garden or when friends or family are visiting. But also on normal days when someone shouts from the garden to the kitchen or vice versa. Or during calls taken outside on speakerphone. Sometimes we cant even hear our own conversations anymore.
Our bedrooms are adjacent to your garden and during the week we try to sleep at 10 pm. We’d really appreciate it if the noise and parties stopped at that point, at least during workdays. As mentioned, we really enjoy living here, but sometimes the noise from a party or dinner with friends and family even carries through our own conversations, dinners, activities or movies. Our daughter has also been woken up quite a few times by loud noises, talking and music, which can be very annoying as you might imagine.
Speaking of kids, it's solely the loud adult voices that bother us in these moments. Noises from children are absolutely no problem, after all, we have a child ourselves who can scream and cry a lot like all kids do. Perfectly fine and natural to hear eachothers kids once in a while. So please understand we have no issue with your 3 sweet kids at all.
But several evenings a week with loud talking and shouting until late in the evening or deep into the night is not pleasant for anyone. So, please let's be more considerate of each other and maybe reduce the loudness. We’d love a nice understanding friendship with our neighbors. Below you will find our number, app or call if you need something, want to ask us something or are perhaps bothered by the noise we make ourselves.
Thanks so much,
(Names)

I've been thinking whether I'm trans or not for months now. Every time I see a girl get a compliment I think "wow, i wish I was her", I do get compliments as a guy but it just doesn't do much for me.
I often think about how awesome it would be to have breasts, to not be judged and stereotyped for getting piercings and wearing makeup, not getting pattern baldness, maybe too often for comfort. My boyfriend called me a girl in bed last time and it felt oddly good too.
You'd probably think "wow, you want to look like a woman and be treated as a woman, just start transitioning, that's more than enough signs!", and it's...not that simple. Not at all.
First off, I still like my voice, especially the singing voice which I'd definitely not want to get rid of, and second I'm not a fan of either having my genitals stop functioning or removed altogether.
Those were the internal problems, and external ones...
1-its illegal to have a transition where I am. So move then? 2-not a chance, too poor. 3-my family is extremely transphobic. Find validation from your bf? 4-he hates the idea of me transitioning, and without him I don't have a chance to survive.
It's best to just let go of the desire, but it's very intrusive.

I’m sick with worry and grief. First our sweet male cat died unexpectedly on March 1. We only had him 1.5 years. And now today our spunky female cat who we’ve had since she was a kitten (now 9.5 years old) likely has cancer. She’s been a constant in our household as well as our relationship and I’m gutted thinking our time with her is coming to an end. We thought we were going to have many years with her yet.
She stopped eating about 1 week ago. And if she would eat, she’d regurgitate it almost immediately. She’s been so lethargic and not acting her usual silly self. So we took her to the vet.
He found a mass on the base of her neck that’s long, thin, and wraps almost around the complete right side. It’s hard, irregular, and doesn’t seem to hurt. Idk how we never noticed it. It had to have grown very rapidly. I also feel the right side of her thyroid area is swollen as well which I worry might actually be a mass that he didn’t mention or didn’t notice. When she meows, her voice sounds different. Her amylase level was 4x the normal amount, so he’s concerned it might have spread to her pancreas.
He was unable to do much else as he didn’t have the necessary equipment to provide a definitive diagnosis. He referred us elsewhere to do imaging of her pancreas to see if the growth originated in the pancreas or if the mass on her neck has spread to the pancreas and other places. He told us to give her a steroid daily and monitor the growth. Then to return in 1 month to repeat labs. We’re getting a second opinion on Monday.
I’m seriously gutted. She can breath completely fine right now. But I’m worried with how fast this mass is growing on her neck that it might restrict her breathing eventually. Her meowing sounds different today.. but it could be from her crying in the car to/from the vet. She’s sitting on my lap as I type this and is purring up a storm. He gave her an anti-emetic shot today that helped her eat a bit when we got home. And he’s hopeful the steroid will increase her appetite as well.
Has anyone dealt with something similar? The growth/mass/tumor really freaks me out. Especially because her thyroid feels inflamed on the right side now as well.
TL;DR: Our newest cat died unexpectedly 2.5 months ago and now our other cat likely has cancer. Feeling emotional and conflicted.

Non-stop burping, regurgitating liquids/foods, getting full quickly, froth coming out my throat, chest pain that radiates to the middle of my upper back and under my ribs, frequent loose stools, shortness of breath, nausea and stomach pain when stomach is empty ,chest/esophagus feels irritated please help?
28f, no smoking, not obese, active, low carb life style, no processed junk foods or sodas

When the Great Crusade ended, Freya Russ the Wolf Queen returned to Fenris with her sons and lover in tow. Erik Gunnarson, a rogue trader who acted as her voice during the great crusade. He was the last chance for surrender before the executioner brandished her axe. Erik departed the ship with his personal guard of space wolves boasting of their victories.
Erik: Settle down boys, save the stories for the great hall. Though, none of you will top my best story.
Freya: Is that so? Not even me?
Erik: Not even you, gullet mitt (my gold).
Erik had been competing with Freya since the moment they met, when she was brought back to the village by those hunters. If he killed an ice wyrm then she’d kill a sea dragon. She always won but he didn’t much mind it and he certainly didn’t stop trying. The Fang was alive with music and laughter, Vulka Fenryka tell stories by the fire and overseeing it all was Freya and Erik.
Erik: Do you think it’s truly over kjære mitt?
Freya: It’s never over my little royal. There will always be greater enemies and greater opportunities for glory. But what is the point of glory if you don’t celebrate it.
Erik: Come here Freya.
Freya came in close with a knowing smile, they kissed and if it weren’t for the antitoxin the mjød on her lips would lay him flat. She raises her drinking horn to him.
Freya: To Fenris.
Erik clinked his horn to hers.
Erik: To our sons.
Both: To us.

So, today I arrived at my grandmothers and she was upstairs in the shower. I sat on the table with my mother waiting for her, when all of a sudden we hear her shout my name. We both jumped and ran to the stairs because her shout sounded like she had fell or something bad had happened. It turned out to be nothing. She was adamant she did not shout or even call my name at all. We brushed it off as maybe a shout from a neighbour or someone on the street.
That was this morning. It happened again this evening. I was shaving my face in the bathroom and heard my grandmother shout my name, she was shouting as if she was downstairs, perhaps calling me down for something. I initially believed it and thought she came for some milk or sugar or something like that, as she has a key to the house. I called down to ask what she wanted but there was nothing.
She was not downstairs and after calling her I found out she was at home with my grandfather. This has creeped me out a lot, I truly heard her voice, it was unmistakably her voice and her way of shouting me. On both occasions, the voice shouts me 2 times and then stops.
I’m not sure what this is or how to stop it. Any advice on what it is or what to do would be much appreciated!

Hey yall, I'm making a tier list with EVERY X song on it, not just released but also obscure leaks and unreleased. I'm taking it step by step slowly covering all of his songs into the massive tier list with the 16th ranking being X and ski songs!. if I miss something or u disagree with a ranking lmk and I might change the position next post.
I’m pretty sure these are all of the X and Ski collabs I haven’t ranked yet, if I missed one pleasssssse tell me lol (I’m not counting selfish with ski since it’s obviously not completed with his verse, I’m gonna be ranking another version of that song later)
IWATCHEDHIMDROWN - S tier. Hard asf, ski starts the song off smooth asf and X just elevates it to perfection
ILOVEITWHENTHEYRUN - S tier. ANOTHER hard asf track, hook is excellent, everyone does great even yung bans, X screaming makes it S tier tho.
SPACEGHOSTPUSSY - A+ tier. Amazing diss track, Denzel to X transition was godly. Low key ski brings the energy down, but it’s still amazing.
Save yourself! - A tier. Great track, could use a lil more energy but still fire.
GnarlyGuyAnthem (Hell Version) - S tier. I love X’s high pitched voice, ski is also fire as fuck, hard as fuckkkk
GnarlyGuyAnthem (og) - S tier. the normal-pitched version of the song, fire as fuck I wish X used this flow more often, it’s one of my fav songs by them, tied with the hell version but probably a bit better.
Netflix and Chill - S tier. I’m ranking the high quality version with hotboycaleb, it’s fire as fuck the beat is hard too, X and ski do fucking amazing as always and the hook is pretty good too.
GANG CYPHER FREESTYLE - B+ tier. An older song, CARRIED BY X, ski does good too but the others kinda bring it down so I can’t rank it higher :(
take a step back - S tier. Classic X and ski rave song, gets me lit every time listening to it fr
Ghost busters - A+ tier. Infinitely times better than the version on trippies album lol, quavo is hard, ski has one of his hardest verses, and X just goes nuts as always.
Tier list (song to the left of list = better song) S tier = perfect songs A - A+ tier = amazing songs B - B+ tier = good songs C tier = mid D tier = bad
S tier: Guardian Angel, hope, WingRiddenAngel, KING, alone part 1, NEVER, Jocelyn Flores, let's pretend we're numb, I dont wanna do this anymore, i dont let go, train food, teeth (interlude), yung bratz, i spoke to the devil in miami he said everything would be fine, Look at me!, Ayala (outro), vice city, IWATCHEDHIMDROWN, infinity (888), king of the dead, rare, Netflix and chill, gnarlyguyanthem (og), gnarlyguyanthem (hell version), moonlight, woah (mind in awe), slipknot, freddy vs jason, pain = BESTFRIEND, IGOTPLENTYDICKTOSHARE, ILOVEITWHENTHEYRUN, valentine, SAD!, take a step back
A+ tier: white girl, rare part 2, save me (MOV2), RIP ROACH, very rare forever freestyle, bowser, ecstacy, everybody dies in their nightmares, snow, 777, HEARTEATER, fuck love, revenge, going down!, LIMBO, UP LIKE AN INSOMNIAC, curse, changes, NETHERRACK, make eem run!, restinpussy, carry on, SPACEGHOSTPUSSY, ghost busters, ALONE PART 3, you're thinking too much stop it, Ice Hotel (intro), daemons, the remedy for a broken heart
A tier: Dead inside (interlude), looking for a star, broly, the fall, eat it up, A GHETTO CHRISTMAS CAROL, ghost, wanna grow old (I won't let go), Red Light!, indecision, skin, save yourself!, love yourself (interlude), I AM!, gassed up!, THE ONLY TIME I FEEL ALIVE, I LUv My CLiQuE LiKe KaNyE WeSt, ATTENTION!, planet drool, UGLY, ex bitch, triumph, theresanelephantinthisroom, sauce!, $$$, LUNACY, ITS ALL FADING TO BLACK, hate will never win, BAD!, NUMB, 0C3AN, sounds of a melting pot, difference (interlude), Butthole Girl!, news/flock
B+ tier: i dont even speak spanish lol, FUXK, One Minute, MANIKIN, supra, STARING AT THE SKY, floor 555, schizophrenia, h2O, touch eem body, depression and Obsession, bitchcallmecaptainmorgan, Orlando, GANG CYPHER FREESTYLE, DEAD, failure is not an option interlude, BLOOD STAINS, a message to Tina belcher, Off the wall!, palm trees
B tier: Amy winehouse, save yourself!, boost!, what in XXXTarnation, bad vibes forever, SMASH!, fuckabitchface, maxipads for everyone, i changed her life, GXD DAMN, the interlude that never ends, whores on the boards, INUYASHA, TUMMY TUCK, northstar, school shooters, static shock, hi wendy!, save me, came2kill, find me (intro), before i close my eyes, VERYRAREBOYZ, LEAVE, voss, what are you so afraid of, royalty, numb the pain
C tier: kill my vibe, XXX (intro), before I realize, CHASE / glass shards, FUCK V2, hot gyal, M011Y
If u guys disagree with anything make sure to comment, this is a discussion post :) what should I review next

Hello all! I weigh 98kgs and have PCOS and have my surgery scheduled for next month, I do workout regularly though and have quit drinking and smoking. I have some concerns regarding the surgery if you guys can help me that would be greatly appreciated. -How bad is the Hairfall after surgery and does it ever stop, I already have thin hair and extremely worried about this -Will it help with my PCOS and is it possible to conceive after the surgery. -What are the regrets about the surgery that you have? - Will I have to be on a diet forever?
Please help