Horse in girl tubes

In January of 2023 my wife, I’ll call her S, left me. A bit of backstory because this is mostly my fault. Me and her moved from Florida to Washington 6 years ago for me to find better work. Her dad, brother and I were all best friends for a while and her dad was my boss that’s how I met her. We started dating in 2016 when I lived in Jacksonville and was attending welding school. When I moved back to my hometown I couldn’t find work and eventually went back to work with the company her dad worked at, I ran my own shop. I hated it I was so depressed I wanted to weld but she didn’t want me to because she’d be alone while I was on the road so I stayed. Her mom is a meth addict and is very violent and her dad is laid back as it gets but an alcoholic non the less. I was living with my parents at the time and one day her mom freaked out and tried to hit her, I stood up and defended her and her mom kicked her out of there house. Me and her lived with my parents ever since. Now that she lived at my parents house I had to basically force her to get a job because all she did was play sims and complain. Especially about me watching game of thrones because of the nudity. when I got home and I thought she needed some purpose. I only bring these thing up to put into perspective the things that I had to forgive and give up to be with her. One day my mom asks us if we’d like to move to Washington in hopes of a better life and she could attend college here. I was thrilled at the idea and she was at that moment too. As the date grew closer and I had already put my two weeks notice in she started getting cold feet. I explained to her that I was miserable at my job and had already given up welding and I was not passing up another opportunity whether she came or not. That ended in a fight but she said she wanted to come in the end. My mom emptied her retirement so we could rent a truck, drive up and have an apartment when we got there (my mom was already here) When got here we both immediately got jobs as a construction labor, making quite good money and her at a drugstore. This is where the problems really began. She started to become very withdrawn. She was not interested in anything sexual, and it began to wear on my confidence. I eventually got a job as an electrician making less money as an apprentice, but more overall when I turned out. Then Covid hit. I got fat and depressed, I got a lot from unemployment. So naturally, I began to drink more. Then I started dabbling in cocaine. Over time this became a problem, I began hiding it doing it on the weekends being out all night sometimes for multiple days. She caught me and I lied. My mental health was deteriorating quickly. I had already suffered with depression before, but this was something different. Her dad got diagnosed with stage bone cancer during this too. It was a rough time for both of us. At one point she told me she didn’t know if she wanted to get a divorce because she wanted to go back home to be with her dad if he died. Even though I understood this crushed me even more. During 2022 I was still somehow I was still somehow still managing to keep it together even with my addiction. She started attending college and work and college at the same time with stressing her out to the point where she was crying so I told her to quit her job and do college full-time. I paid for all of it. Financial burdens began to increase. My mental health dropped even lower. I became increasingly suicidal I thought about death every day. I talked about it every day. She would tell me she’s not a psychiatrist or therapist and that she couldn’t help me. She started hanging out with one of her friends from work and they started hanging out a lot towards the end of 2022. This part is extremely important. I started noticing things on her phone that pointed to her being interested in women like things in her algorithm for TikTok and YouTube. Stuff to do with being lesbian and coming out or bi. I asked her one day if that was something that was going on with her if she was interested in women. She told me no. A month later, she came to me and told me that she thought about it and it was something that she had been thinking about. I told her that it was OK and that it was something that I was willing to let her explore as long as we communicated. Then out of the blue one day again she tells me she didn’t mind if I slept with other women. Looking back this was a red flag at the time. I thought it was OK with it for being with someone else. It turns out I was not. Being a cocaine addict and an alcoholic pretty much plus the thought of her being with someone else started to grind my self-conscious. I became increasingly paranoid that she would leave me. One night fueled on cocaine. I got on her laptop and looked through all of her history all of it back years. And I saw she had to stop obsessing over a guy. Is it OK to have a crush on a guy at the gym while married. I confronted her with this information. And it turned into a huge she said I invaded her privacy which I did and still feel terrible for. And she said it was only a crush and nothing else. Our sex life had all the ground, and I was so hurt that she was attracted to someone else and couldn’t even begin to be attracted to me. One night at the beginning of January, maybe the first week or two I was trying to quit drinking and doing cocaine. I had maybe been a week in. It was the weekend and I didn’t want to be alone. I begged her to stay with me, but she went out with her friend. In retaliation, I suppose I went out with someone a friend of mine and got fucked up. We ended up going back to his place with some girls. There was no sex just making out and such. I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I freaked out and got taken home in a cop car. She was at her friends at this point I decided to commit suicide. I overdosed on muscle relaxers with my uncle to tell him bye. My uncle got it out of him that I had overdosed. He called my wife and her and the woman that she was hanging out with came to my house and I was taken to the hospital. I spent a whole week in the hospital. The whole time I was there she just seemed annoyed. She wanted to go back to her friends house and do homework for school. I got out and went back to work. I had to make up some school and the day I was there. I talked to another woman about how I could win her back because she said that she didn’t know if she wanted to be with me anymore. The girls suggested I take her out on a date and tell her how I was feeling and I did. That night while we were eating dinner, she told me that she had been sleeping with that girl the night I tried to commit suicide and other nights. She didn’t tell me she was afraid I would divorce. At first, I remain calm. But as the past, I started to become angry. at home I told her I was leaving to go stay at a friends house because we need to take a break. I started drinking heavily and told her to get the fuck out of my house and I hated her a bunch of other I started drinking heavily and told her to get the fuck out of my house and I hated her a bunch of other terrible things. I went completely off the rails she left with that girl to stay at her house. I bought a bunch of cocaine Adderall and alcohol and was determined to just do drugs until I died. I started self harming. I tried to commit suicide through carbon monoxide, overdose, and hanging. I ruined the house. I broke so many things kicked down doors shattered pictures. You should’ve seen it. It was disgusting. She came by to check on me because she was worried. I was going to kill myself. I can’t remember everything that I said to her, but I know I freaked out. I started throwing things and just being an absolute ass. it culminated her calling my parents. She told him everything. I should also note that during this time I was confused as well with everything going on in my head and thought maybe I would be by and gave a guy a blow job he also gave me one as well. It didn’t last long I wasn’t into it, but I told her the very next day. Had about three months before all this happened. She left again and my mom flew back from Florida. As I sobered up, I began to realize how I had acted. I went to work and immediately told my foreman that I needed to go to rehab. I went to rehab and started to feel better about two months after she had told me and I went to rehab and started to feel better. About two months since the split, we met up at a Starbucks to talk about us. She said that she didn’t think she could be with me anymore. After the way I had acted and all the lying with my addiction. I wanted her back so badly. I told her I’m sorry I was never worth it in a bunch of other stuff that was childish. She said I had acted like her mom and that she couldn’t deal with it. I totally did the yelling throwing things saying horrible things to her to put her down. Anyway, I went no contact with her the whole time she was still living with that girl. I relapsed after about four months. I got laid off from my job. In a few Coke, fueled rages on separate occasions, I would call her and beg her back and then yell at her when she didn’t want to. I called her with cancer and told him that she had cheated on me with a girl. They are very conservative and that was a horrible thing for me to do. So now the end of the tale. I’ve been in and out of sobriety now for this year and a half more in sobriety than out. I’m sober now I’m in AA and NA and feeling much better. Her dad died of cancer. She never told me I heard through a friend of a friend which really hurt me because me and him used to be best friends. Although I understand why she would not reach out to me. Neither me or her have filed the paperwork for the divorce. We just never talk. She has me blocked on Facebook and I don’t know her phone number and honestly right now. I don’t even know if I want to go through with the divorce or just keep working on healing. I’m so confused because I still love her but also I don’t want to be with her but I do. I think about her all the time. I don’t want to break no contact with her. We haven’t spoken in over nine months. I don’t want to open up the wounds for her. If anyone has read this far thank you. I’m typing on my phone so if everything seems rushed and a little sporadic, sorry. I would just like some advice on how maybe I could move forward stay sober and heal from all of this.

This will be my first time ever openly sharing about my addiction; from the root cause to the effects and struggles that having a porn addiction has impacted my life to this day
So I just recently turned 21 and I'm beginning to look around and realize that for as long as I've acknowledged that I have a problem and need to quit, I keep feeding the addiction KNOWING that it's ruining my life. I'm going to split this post into 3 sections explaining the following stages: The root causes/early development, Progression of my addiction to current day, and Main struggles from my PA and how I go about everyday life to heal. Not exactly sure why I'm posting this but I just feel like it's something I need to let out. Hope someone can relate or give me their take on it.
The root causes/early development: So I believe that my PA manifested due to a few different reasons: Playing "doctor" with my sister as a child, early age porn exposure, and then using porn as a coping mechanism to deal with any negative emotions. So starting w/ "playing doctor", it first happened at a very young age, somewhere between elementary school to 6th grade. I think most people know what that is but to keep it short basically my sister who is a year older than me introduced my to basically role playing as doctor and patient. I wasn't sure if SHE even knew it was wrong but the point is, it happened. I genuinely don't think she was doing in an abusive way but I'll never know. I don't remember the small details of exactly how it happened but what leads me to think this was a factor that contributed to my porn addiction is that I know now as an adult that it's wrong, however as we "played doctor" I only grew to enjoy it and occasionally we took things outside of "playing doctor" - which is why I don't know what to make of it... Long story short it went from "doctor" to us making up our own games like "spy" where we pretended to fight each other as spy's, getting "knocked out" unconscious while she'd touch... and I specifically remember wanting to play these games in hopes that it led to that. But even outside of playing games I grew to wanting to touch her and act on perverted thoughts as a child that were NOT normal for my age or in general. And sometimes I would sneakily act on them - which as I'm reflecting on right now makes me think that me KNOWINGLY trying to be sneaky and act on perverted thoughts at that young of an age had to have carried on with me as I got older (contributing to my porn addiction).. And then the last thing that I vividly remember was when I was probably 10-12 years old is when again we were actually kind of aggressively play fighting, somehow ended up with each other's hands DOWN THERE mutually and we kept going on with each other until she made me.... yeah. And that was the last memory I had of what started out as us "playing doctor". Fast forward to current date since that last memory and we've never spoken about those experiences (more on that later). Going onto the actual exposure of pornography and WATCHING porn, I was exposed to it somewhere in between the same timeframe as when I'd play doctor and the last memory of us playing (somewhere between the ages of 8-12). I can vividly remember the scene that played late at night on the tv that my parents had left on (I shared a room with them). And then moving forward from there, somewhere in between I would find videos on YouTube of this "prank" channel where he'd go up to paid actors, bet that if he beat them in rock paper scissors that they'd have to make out with him. And as a young kid at the time seeing a girl in a bikini making out with a guy as he grabbed on her ass just made me horny and I learned to masturbate from there. And I cant think of a stronger dopamine hit for a 8-12 year old little me at the time than seeing those videos and pleasuring myself. After this, I'd hit middle school where I was bullied a lot, all while lacking social skills necessary to make any genuine friends or deal with the emotional turmoil of being bullied. Fast forward a few months and I think I just progressively began to normalize using porn as a coping mechanism - All the way from whenever I just got mad while dying repetitively on the videogame, to avoiding the fact that I hated my life everyday that I went to school. I'd use porn to receive that "good feeling" whenever I could. And I think my sexual addiction got worse when I began touching myself in the shower almost everyday in middle school to the imagination of the pretty girls that were at my school, even though I had neverarely talked to some of them. It was just a thing for me where every night I took a shower, I closed my eyes and fantasized about doing stuff with them. And then the cycles of me normalizing these things continued and eventually I found out about REAL porn sites.
Progression of my addiction to current day: So shortly after finding the real porn sites I entirely opted to use those as much as possible as the cycle continued. So by my freshman year of high school I was already using porn sites regularly. I remember during summer and winter breaks, sometimes I'd sleep at my grandmas and stay up all night switching from ejaculating to porn, to watching my favorite youtuber and streamers, to going back to jerking off. It was a multiple times a day/night occurrence OFTEN. Sometimes even during the middle of the day I'd pretend to use the bathroom but really I had a porn video pulled up and I watched until I was done. And as time progressed one video didn't exactly cut it for me. I don't think its that I couldn't get off to the first video, but more so that I just had the urge to see more and didn't want to nut yet. I didn't even know if I was purposely edging or not. I did not even understand that edging was a concept yet. Its just something that occurred naturally for me. And during all of this, I am still somewhere in the age range of 13-15. Consistently ejaculating to pornography, further exploring the more basic categories of porn like anal and lesbian. I think a notable memory was one of the first times I watched porn in the middle of work during summer break (extended family owns a construction company so I worked over breaks). It's crazy because in construction all we have are porta-potties that are always hot and nasty and the urge just came over me one day to pretend like I was using the bathroom and get one off before I went back... I don't think I even realized at the time that I had an addiction because this was still early high school. It was just something I looked at as a good feeling and whenever the urges came to me I took any chance I got to fulfill them. Even if I was sharing a room with a family member, I'd be as slow and quit as I could, touch myself under the covers, finish in my underwear and then showechange the next morning like it was normal. Moving forward, this type of behavior continues all the way throughout high school and the feeling of ejaculating just is not as intense as it use to be, so I look up ways to spice it up and I tried shit all the way from sitting on my own hand til it goes sort or numb so it "feels like someone else is touching you", to doing it in more risky places like my backyard outside when I was home alone and had my pants pulled down all the way, to whatever else I could try. Reflecting back, I just look at all these actions as the progressions of a sexual/porn addiction that is still developing. And this is how I rationalize the way I developed a porn addiction. Now it wasn't AWFUL in high school but it was getting bad. I realized that I had actually had a bad addiction that needed to be addressed a few months after graduating high school. From that point forward It was something that I had acknowledged was an issue but nonetheless, continued to do out of habit and as a continued coping mechanism. Whether it was from the lack of relationships, to my current life situation/direction I was headed in, or just any negative emotion - I used porn to release. Sometimes I'd even just do it out of boredom, not even because I had a dying urge to get one off. And then after that point of realization, I sat in "depression" for a few months still going about my everyday life until one day my dad mentioned that I should try therapy. He knew nothing about the addiction but I did let him know I feel depressed and the many struggles that I faced - which I believe is due to my porn addiction. So long story short, I go to therapy for about 3 sessions and end up dropping it because it just wasn't something I felt was helping or enjoyed (more on that later). From there to current day, I've gone at MOST one week periods attempting to quit porn and every time I relapse. From the age of 1 to-current day 21 years old, the progression of the categories of porn that I watch has grown and a few different fetishes like face sitting, femdom, and role play has increased. I don't NEED to watch these specific categories to get off, however these are ones I've found myself most recently watching and edging to, sometimes for 1-3 hours at a time, usually at night on weekends or before I fall asleep. And to take it a step further, I had started pouring money into camgirl sites, phone sex sites, only fans, etc.. I live with my parents still so it's not to the point that I'm broke and have no money, but still what the fuck am I doing putting my hard earned money into a porn addiction... (I'm a functioning adult on a pathway to financial freedom, more on this later).
Main struggles from my PA and how I go about everyday life to heal: So I believe that the main struggles with my porn addiction consist of: the inability/struggle to create and maintain healthy relationships, low self esteem, poor social skills, lack of motivation, and the cognitive dissonance of continuing my addiction to porn even though morally I believe it is wrong to lust over. I believe all of these struggles that come with porn are connected to each other - minus the cognitive dissonance. But everything else kind of stacks on top of each other. So my thought process is that I already dealt w/ low self esteem and confidence from a very young age, and porn just completely enhanced those problems and made it even harder to fix/work on. If you're anything like me and have watched videos on the sciences of porn on your brain, and possible struggles that we deal with, I'm assuming you know how it goes for the most part. I'd say I show symptoms of all effects of being a porn addict, however I've learned to "act normal" to an extent. Like YES I struggle to make friends and hold conversations with people in general but I can make it happen. Sure it'll be a little awkward depending on who I'm speaking to, but I feel like I act normal enough to not be a total outcast and all out weirdo around people. But I just feel like every relationship I have with anyone is extremely surface level or unfulfilling. I feel like as a person I lack so much substance and personality due to the fact that I never really put myself out there and learned social skills when I was coming up. My mindset was molded into something like "keep your head down and stay out the way" in order to avoid conflict. So I never really put myself out there to develop any type of super crazy/interesting personality. I work, play videogames, go to the gym, watch anime. I feel like there's not much else - which might also be a side affect of my porn addiction. Lack of emotion. And I refuse to call it depression. Kind of got red pilled by Andrew Tate Philosophy and it entirely HAS helped me. Maybe it's real, maybe it's not - because when I was fresh out of high school and hyper focused on the bad parts of my life, I felt depressed as shit. Legit like I couldn't do anything to fix it. And the more I identified as "depressed" the more I allowed myself to look for things in my life to confirm that belief. So eventually I went on a self improvement journey and just stopped allowing "depression" to hold power over me. Now I don't believe in it so it's not something that can hold me down in that crippling way. HOWEVER, I DO believe in just being in a shitty situation - which is what I feel like having a porn addiction along with it's effects and symptoms is. It's a shitty situation and I can either allow it to keep ruining my life OR I can get up everyday and attempt to fix it. And I refuse to play the victim card. Sure, I may have been exposed to some fucked up shit at a young age and used porn as a coping mechanism. There is no denying that it happened and that it may have been unfair and out of my control. YES, that's my problem. I may be a victim of pornography but I do not have to ALLOW it to continue to ruin my life. Easier said than done but it's definitely possible and I will not blame my lack of discipline or call it "depression" because I'm unable to quit. The way I see it is, there is a lot of shit that happened to me in the past that I have to come to terms with, and then I must come up with a plan to improve and learn how to be better. For example, struggling to hold eye contact with people, hold basic conversation with people (specifically women), find confidence within myself, become more social, etc... These are all skills that we can practice and learn. Simply by going outside and putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations that allow us to put the reps in. I believe that if I quit porn and start walking up to 10 strangers a day and try having simple conversations with them, in time I can only get better at being social and connecting with people. It's gonna suck and feel like shit at first, but I truly believe that it's a way to improve and get better. As I stand in my current situation I would say I have a lot of work to do but I'm still a functioning addict. I have friendships and relationships with family but they are very lack luster and I long for something deeper and more intimate. I know I'm not ugly and have the ability to pull a good looking girl, shit I've turned down this really pretty girl who always asks to hangout simply due to the fact that I feel like I'm gonna fuck it up and have bad social skills. And its getting to a point where friends and family are wondering why I haven't had a girlfriend in years. Overall its a lack of self esteem, which hinders me from being able to confidently put myself out there as a person who's deserving of love/companionship, which then makes me sort of self isolate and stray away from any type of connection or opportunity to be vulnerable. Which just leads me to feeling like a loser or someone that is undeserving of love because I'm just in a shitty situation. And yeah. Its kind of a self sabotaging cycle because I feel like I understand what's going on but I don't have the discipline and don't put the work in to get better. But that's just my two cents. This post was extremely long and I probably rifted off topic a few times and had my thoughts all over the place, and I still have a lot more I could give input about but this is the jist of everything
If anyone has a support group or needs someone to talk to, 1. I'd like to join the group, or 2. Feel free to message me for any support or conversation.

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting one reddit and it's a quite of a long question, but I just don't know what to do.
My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years and we've lived together almost all of that time. Almost a year (11 months) ago I found out he was cheating on me (kinda? idk, I'll explain). He had been using reddit to find snapchat accounts for girls to exchange nudes with. He'd been doing it for about 2 months and with about 10 girls (that I know of). They would normally sext a bit and then not talk again. I confronted him and he admitted to me that he had/has a porn addition, and that he'd been doing this type of thing on and off since he was about 15. He said he never really saw it as cheating because to him it was kinda like "interactive porn". He said that it almost felt like a seperate part of his life and he couldn't connect with the part of himself that did it. He said it was only when he actually saw the effect it had on me that what he was doing became real to him.
Anyway, we decided to work through it and he started going to therapy to work on himself/his porn addition. It took a bit of time to get back to normal, but eventually our relationship returned to normal and we've been pretty good recently. Here's the thing: most of his bad behaviours/actions are due to low self esteem. He struggles to accept good things in his life and so tends to self-sabotage them (which was part of the reason the cheating happened in the first place). It also kinda follows a cycle - every 6(ish) months he'll do something really bad that we need to heal from (e.g. the cheating, getting super drunk and doing something dumb, etc). It's gotten a lot better since he's started therapy, but the cycle is basically like this: we're doing really well, he does something to self-sabotage, the relationship struggles and we have to heal/build up trust again for 1 or 2 months, the relationship recovers and we do well for 4 or 5 months, the cycle repeats.
I'm worried because it's been almost 6 months since the last incident. Our relationship has been pretty good recently, but the last time he cheated we were in such a good place and that's why he sabotaged it, so us doing well doesn't really put my mind at ease.
I've noticed recently that he's started being a bit more secretive with his phone again. For example, he'll tell me about some funny shit he saw on reddit, but when I ask to see the post he doesn't show me and says he'll send it to me. It doesn't matter how many times I ask to see it, it won't give me his phone. Another example: the other night I was in our bedroom and he was in the kitchen. I didn't have my phone but I needed a calculator, so I asked to use his because it was on the bed. He said yes, but then immediately came into the bedroom, watched me use the calculator and then asked for his phone so he could watch a YouTube video.
When he first cheated, to regain/build up trust in our relationship he gave me the passwords to all his social media and we had a deal I could go through his phone anytime I wanted. As soon as I felt like things were back on track, I logged out of everything (and deleted the passwords so I couldn't log in again). I also stopped going through his phone a few months back, and we've been really good at communicating - I'll normally just ask him outright how he's doing with the porn addiction and if there's anything I should know (he always says no). I don't want to ask to go through his phone again because that feels like a huge step backwards and I know it'll make our relationship feel tense/weird for a few days, but something just feels off. I just don't want to do anything rash because I do have quite severe anxiety and it might just be projection, but it's around the point in the cycle where something bad happens, I've noticed a bit of a disconnect between us (more unnecessary fights and stuff) and then there's the phone secrecy too.
What should I do? I love him endlessly and I know he loves me, but I don't want to ignore warning signs and brush them off as me being paranoid if they're not, ya know?
Sorry it's so long...thank you! :)

This will be my first time ever openly sharing about my addiction; from the root cause to the effects and struggles that having a porn addiction has impacted my life to this day -
So I just recently turned 21 and I'm beginning to look around and realize that for as long as I've acknowledged that I have a problem and need to quit, I keep feeding the addiction KNOWING that it's ruining my life. Im going to split this post into 3 sections explaining the following stages: The root causes/early development, Progression of my addiction to current day, Main struggles from my PA and how I go about everyday life to heal, and And I think that there are so many aspects of dealing w/ a PA that just makes me feel like, not hopeless but if I had to put the feeling into words its basically like waking up everyday feeling ashamed what I'm doing to myself but not even allowing myself to feel bad for myself because although I didn't understand during the development of my PA, I continue to let it ruin my life day after day.
The root causes/early development: So I believe that my PA manifested due to a few different reasons: Playing "doctor" with my sister as a child, early age porn exposure, and then using porn as a coping mechanism to deal with any negative emotions. So starting w/ "playing doctor", it first happened at a very young age, somewhere between elementary school to 6th grade. I think most people know what that is but to keep it short basically my sister who is a year older than me introduced my to basically role playing as doctor and patient. I wasn't sure if SHE even knew it was wrong but the point is, it happened. I don't remember the small details of exactly how it happened but what leads me to think this was a factor that contributed to my porn addiction is that I know now as an adult that it's wrong, however as we "played doctor" I only grew to enjoy it and occasionally we took things outside of "playing doctor" - which is why I don't know what to make of it... Long story short it went from "doctor" to us making up our own games like "spy" where we pretended to fight each other as spy's, getting "knocked out" unconscious while she'd touch... and I specifically remember wanting to play these games in hopes that it led to that. But even outside of playing games... I grew to wanting to touch her and act on perverted thoughts as a child that were NOT normal for my age at the time. And sometimes I would sneakily act on them - which as I'm reflecting on makes me think that me KNOWINGLY trying to be sneaky and act on perverted thoughts at that young of an age had to have carried on with me as I got older.. And then the last thing that I vividly remember was when I was probably 10-12 years old is when again we were actually kind of aggressively play fighting, somehow ended up with each other's hands DOWN THERE and we kept going on each other until she made me.... yeah. And that was the last memory I had of what started out as us "playing doctor". Fast forward to current date since that last memory and we've never spoken about those experiences (more on that later). Going onto the actual exposure of pornography and WATCHING porn, I was exposed to it somewhere in between the same timeframe as when I'd play doctor and the last memory of us playing (somewhere between the ages of 8-12). I can vividly remember the scene that played late at night on the tv that my parents had left on (I shared a room with them). And then moving forward from there, somewhere in between I would find videos on YouTube of this "prank" channel where he'd go up to paid actors, bet that if he beat them in rock paper scissors with them that they'd have to make out with them. And as a young kid at the time seeing a girl in a bikini making out with a guy as he grabbed on her ass just made me horny and I learned to masturbate from there. And I cant think of a stronger dopamine hit for a 8-12 year old little me at the time than seeing those videos and pleasuring myself. After this, I'd hit middle school where I was bullied a lot, all while lacking social skills necessary to make any genuine friends or deal with the emotional turmoil of being bullied. Fast forward a few months and I think I just progressively began to normalize using porn as a coping mechanism - All the way from whenever I just got mad while dying repetitively on the videogame, to avoiding the fact that I hated my life everyday that I went to school. I'd use porn to receive that "good feeling" whenever I could. And I think my sexual addiction got worse when I began touching myself in the shower almost everyday in middle school to the imagination of the pretty girls that were at my school, even though I had neverarely talked to some of them. It was just a thing for me where every night I took a shower, I closed my eyes and fantasized about doing stuff with them. And then the cycles of me normalizing these things continued and eventually I found out about REAL porn sites.
Progression of my addiction to current day: So shortly after finding the real porn sites I entirely opted to use those as much as possible as the cycle continued. So by my freshman year of high school I was already using porn sites regularly. I remember during summer and winter breaks, sometimes I'd sleep at my grandmas and stay up all night switching from porn completion, to watching my favorite youtuber and streamers, to going back to jerking off. It was a multiple times a day/night occurrence OFTEN. Sometimes even during the middle of the day I'd pretend to use the bathroom but really I had a porn video pulled up and I watched until I was done. And as time progressed one video didn't exactly cut it for me. I don't think its that I couldn't get off to the first video, but more so that I just had the urge to see more and didn't want to nut yet. I didn't even know if I was purposely edging or not. I did not even understand that edging was a concept yet. Its just something that occurred naturally for me. And during all of this, I am still somewhere in the age range of 13-15. Consistently ejaculating to pornography, further exploring the more basic categories of porn like anal and lesbian. I think a notable memory was one of the first times I watched porn in the middle of work during summer break (extended family owns a construction company so I worked over breaks). It's crazy because in construction all we have are porta-potties that are always hot and nasty and the urge just came over me one day to pretend like I was using the bathroom and get one off before I went back... I don't think I even realized at the time that I had an addiction because this was still early high school. It was just something I looked at as a good feeling and whenever the urges came to me I took any chance I got to fulfill them. Even if I was sharing a room with a family member, I'd be as slow and quit as I could, touch myself under the covers, finish in my underwear and then showechange the next morning like it was normal. Moving forward, this type of behavior continues all the way throughout high school and the feeling of ejaculating just is not as intense as it use to be, so I look up ways to spice it up and I tried shit all the way from sitting on my own hand til it goes sort or numb so it "feels like someone else is touching you", to doing it in more risky places like my backyard outside when I was home alone and had my pants pulled down all the way, to whatever else I could try. Reflecting back, I just look at all these actions as the progressions of a sexual/porn addiction that is still developing. And this is how I rationalize the way I developed a porn addiction. Now it wasn't AWFUL in high school but it was getting bad. I realized that I had actually had a bad addiction that needed to be addressed a few months after graduating high school. From that point forward It was something that I had acknowledged was an issue but nonetheless, continued to do out of habit and as a continued coping mechanism. Whether it was from the lack of relationships, to my current life situation/direction I was headed in, or just any negative emotion - I used porn to release. Sometimes I'd even just do it out of boredom, not even because I had a dying urge to get one off. And then after that point of realization, I sat in "depression" for a few months still going about my everyday life until one day my dad mentioned that I should try therapy. He knew nothing about the addiction but I did let him know I feel depressed and the many struggles that I faced - which I believe is due to my porn addiction. So long story short, I go to therapy for about 3 sessions and end up dropping it because it just wasn't something I felt was helping or enjoyed (more on that later). From there to current day, I've gone at MOST one week periods attempting to quit porn and every time I relapse. From the age of 18-curerent day 21 years old, the progression of the categories of porn that I watch has grown and a few different fetishes like face sitting, femdom, and role play has increased. I don't NEED to watch these specific categories to get off, however these are ones I've found myself most recently watching and edging to, sometimes for 1-3 hours at a time, usually at night on weekends or before I fall asleep. And to take it a step further, I had started putting money into camgirl sites, phone sex sites, only fans, etc.. I live with my parents still so it's not to the point that I'm broke and have no money, but still what the fuck am I doing putting my hard earned money into a porn addiction... (I'm a functioning adult on a pathway to financial freedom, more on this later).
Everyday life and dealing with my addiction: So I believe that the main struggles with my porn addiction consist of: the inability/struggle to create and maintain healthy relationships, low self esteem, poor social skills, lack of motivation, and the cognitive dissonance of continuing my addiction to porn even though morally I believe it is wrong to lust over. I believe all of these struggles that come with porn are connected to each other - minus the cognitive dissonance. But everything else kind of stacks on top of each other. So my thought process is that I already dealt w/ low self esteem and confidence from a very young age, and porn just completely enhanced those problems and made it even harder to fix/work on. If you're anything like me and have watched videos on the sciences of porn on your brain, and possible struggles that we deal with, I'm assuming you know how it goes for the most part. I'd say I show symptoms of all effects of being a porn addict, however I've learned to "act normal" to an extent. Like YES I struggle to make friends and hold conversations with people in general but I can make it happen. Sure it'll be a little awkward depending on who I'm speaking to, but I feel like I act normal enough to not be a total outcast and all out weirdo around people. But I just feel like every relationship I have with anyone is extremely surface level or unfulfilling. I feel like as a person I lack so much substance and personality due to the fact that I never really put myself out there and learned social skills when I was coming up. My mindset was molded into something like "keep your head down and stay out the way" in order to avoid conflict. So I never really put myself out there to develop any type of super crazy/interesting personality. I work, play videogames, go to the gym, watch anime. I feel like there's not much else - which might also be a side affect of my porn addiction.

A police officer received a call to help another officer, who he had known for many years. The call was designated as "suspicious circumstance."
The call was from a son who said that when he went to check on his mom at her old farmhouse, he had heard noises from downstairs in the basement.
It took the officer about 15 minutes to get out to this old farmhouse outside of town. It was yellow stucco and very old. He could see the old knob and tubing wiring on the outside of the house.
There is an upset old woman on the porch, the mom, and then a younger adult male standing next to her, the son, and then his fellow police officer standing next to them.
He goes up to them and gets all the information. When the son got to his mom's farmhouse to check on his mom, while he was talking to his mom on the main floor, he heard a noise in the basement like something being dropped. He dismissed it as perhaps an animal.
However, then there were more noises of things moving around and then he also started hearing voices.
The son said he thinks maybe someone is living down there taking advantage of his mom. He says the basement is unlivable as it has a dirt floor and no electricity.
The mom is upset. She said she didn't want the son to go down in the basement. And now, the mom didn't want the police officers to go down in the basement either.
So, he asks her why she doesn't want them to go down there. She says, "Because the others are down there."
And he asks her what she means by that. She says "The others were here long before me and they will be here long after me."
He says he understands but that they need to go check the basement. The mom says nicely "You are both good boys. Don't go down there."
Meanwhile, the officer sees that the fellow officer has a very scared look on his face. This fellow police officer has helped the police officer who is calling into the show many many times. The intuition from him has saved both of them in many situations. So, this guy trusts him a lot. He pulls him to the side and says "What's going on here?" The fellow police officer says "There is a very dark fog around this house."
The two police officers decide to go clear the basement with their weapons drawn. They let dispatch know they are going to clear the basement and then they make their way into the old house.
They go through the front door and enter an entryway. There is a kitchen to the left. There are two double doors to a living room on the right. They go through the kitchen and then through a small hallway towards the garage where there are steps down to the basement.
They open the basement door and start going down the steps. The steps are very steep and narrow like steps on a boat. There is no electricity downstairs. He only has the light on his gun. He said every single inch of his exposed skin felt like it was under assault from a thickness in the air.
They get downstairs and to the left are a bunch of old boilers. First a wood fire one, then an oil fire one, and then an updated furnace. To the left are steep stairs that go back outside through a bulkhead entrance (like the wizard of oz -- those basement doors that are flat in the ground).
And, in between the boilers and that bulkhead stair is a door to a back room inside the basement. And they focus on opening up that door.
The fellow officer opens the door and he goes inside. The room is filled with old wooden items and some boxes. There is nothing for anyone to hide behind. In the center of the room near the back is an old rocking horse. The white paint has been chipping and the hair on the horse has faded severely.
They both stand there looking at the rocking horse. He says he was drawn to the rocking horse in a very weird way.
Then he hears his radio as dispatch is calling. Dispatch says "Security check" as in "Are you guys ok?" He answers back that they are ok and dispatch says "What is taking you so long." He thinks this is very odd since usually dispatch does not interrupt you when you are clearing a house like that as they know you are highly focused.
He looks over to his fellow officer and he is staring at that rocking horse. His eyes are glossed over in a daze. He shakes his fellow officer and his fellow officer snaps out of it. They make their way back upstairs. They both talk in the kitchen that they are going to have to talk about this with each other after they leave the house to get their bearings back.
They go back out on the porch. The old woman has a smirk on her face. She says "Didn't feel good did it? You should have listened shouldn't you?"
He gets back in his vehicle and he asks dispatch why they interrupted him. Dispatch says he was gone too long. He says he wasn't gone long. Dispatch says he was gone for 10 minutes. He says he was not gone for 10 minutes. He says he was gone for about 2 minutes before they interrupted him.
There are more calls that come in and they move on to those.
However, later, back at the police station, they review the police body camera. Sure enough, once they get down into that room with the rocking horse, both he and the fellow officer freeze for 7 minutes looking at that rocking horse. They do not move. They do not speak. You can hear them both breathing for 7 minutes on the video. The only reason they snap out of it is because dispatch interrupts them on the radio. They both stood looking at that rocking horse for 7 minutes without realizing it.

A police officer received a call to help another officer, who he had known for many years. The call was designated as "suspicious circumstance."
The call was from a son who said that when he went to check on his mom at her old farmhouse, he had heard noises from downstairs in the basement.
It took the officer about 15 minutes to get out to this old farmhouse outside of town. It was yellow stucco and very old. He could see the old knob and tubing wiring on the outside of the house.
There is an upset old woman on the porch, the mom, and then a younger adult male standing next to her, the son, and then his fellow police officer standing next to them.
He goes up to them and gets all the information. When the son got to his mom's farmhouse to check on his mom, while he was talking to his mom on the main floor, he heard a noise in the basement like something being dropped. He dismissed it as perhaps an animal.
However, then there were more noises of things moving around and then he also started hearing voices.
The son said he thinks maybe someone is living down there taking advantage of his mom. He says the basement is unlivable as it has a dirt floor and no electricity.
The mom is upset. She said she didn't want the son to go down in the basement. And now, the mom didn't want the police officers to go down in the basement either.
So, he asks her why she doesn't want them to go down there. She says, "Because the others are down there."
And he asks her what she means by that. She says "The others were here long before me and they will be here long after me."
He says he understands but that they need to go check the basement. The mom says nicely "You are both good boys. Don't go down there."
Meanwhile, the officer sees that the fellow officer has a very scared look on his face. This fellow police officer has helped the police officer who is calling into the show many many times. The intuition from him has saved both of them in many situations. So, this guy trusts him a lot. He pulls him to the side and says "What's going on here?" The fellow police officer says "There is a very dark fog around this house."
The two police officers decide to go clear the basement with their weapons drawn. They let dispatch know they are going to clear the basement and then they make their way into the old house.
They go through the front door and enter an entryway. There is a kitchen to the left. There are two double doors to a living room on the right. They go through the kitchen and then through a small hallway towards the garage where there are steps down to the basement.
They open the basement door and start going down the steps. The steps are very steep and narrow like steps on a boat. There is no electricity downstairs. He only has the light on his gun. He said every single inch of his exposed skin felt like it was under assault from a thickness in the air.
They get downstairs and to the left are a bunch of old boilers. First a wood fire one, then an oil fire one, and then an updated furnace. To the left are steep stairs that go back outside through a bulkhead entrance (like the wizard of oz -- those basement doors that are flat in the ground).
And, in between the boilers and that bulkhead stair is a door to a back room inside the basement. And they focus on opening up that door.
The fellow officer opens the door and he goes inside. The room is filled with old wooden items and some boxes. There is nothing for anyone to hide behind. In the center of the room near the back is an old rocking horse. The white paint has been chipping and the hair on the horse has faded severely.
They both stand there looking at the rocking horse. He says he was drawn to the rocking horse in a very weird way.
Then he hears his radio as dispatch is calling. Dispatch says "Security check" as in "Are you guys ok?" He answers back that they are ok and dispatch says "What is taking you so long." He thinks this is very odd since usually dispatch does not interrupt you when you are clearing a house like that as they know you are highly focused.
He looks over to his fellow officer and he is staring at that rocking horse. His eyes are glossed over in a daze. He shakes his fellow officer and his fellow officer snaps out of it. They make their way back upstairs. They both talk in the kitchen that they are going to have to talk about this with each other after they leave the house to get their bearings back.
They go back out on the porch. The old woman has a smirk on her face. She says "Didn't feel good did it? You should have listened shouldn't you?"
He gets back in his vehicle and he asks dispatch why they interrupted him. Dispatch says he was gone too long. He says he wasn't gone long. Dispatch says he was gone for 10 minutes. He says he was not gone for 10 minutes. He says he was gone for about 2 minutes before they interrupted him.
There are more calls that come in and they move on to those.
However, later, back at the police station, they review the police body camera. Sure enough, once they get down into that room with the rocking horse, both he and the fellow officer freeze for 7 minutes looking at that rocking horse. They do not move. They do not speak. You can hear them both breathing for 7 minutes on the video. The only reason they snap out of it is because dispatch interrupts them on the radio. They both stood looking at that rocking horse for 7 minutes without realizing it.

A police officer received a call to help another officer, who he had known for many years. The call was designated as "suspicious circumstance."
The call was from a son who said that when he went to check on his mom at her old farmhouse, he had heard noises from downstairs in the basement.
It took the officer about 15 minutes to get out to this old farmhouse outside of town. It was yellow stucco and very old. He could see the old knob and tubing wiring on the outside of the house.
There is an upset old woman on the porch, the mom, and then a younger adult male standing next to her, the son, and then his fellow police officer standing next to them.
He goes up to them and gets all the information. When the son got to his mom's farmhouse to check on his mom, while he was talking to his mom on the main floor, he heard a noise in the basement like something being dropped. He dismissed it as perhaps an animal.
However, then there were more noises of things moving around and then he also started hearing voices.
The son said he thinks maybe someone is living down there taking advantage of his mom. He says the basement is unlivable as it has a dirt floor and no electricity.
The mom is upset. She said she didn't want the son to go down in the basement. And now, the mom didn't want the police officers to go down in the basement either.
So, he asks her why she doesn't want them to go down there. She says, "Because the others are down there."
And he asks her what she means by that. She says "The others were here long before me and they will be here long after me."
He says he understands but that they need to go check the basement. The mom says nicely "You are both good boys. Don't go down there."
Meanwhile, the officer sees that the fellow officer has a very scared look on his face. This fellow police officer has helped the police officer who is calling into the show many many times. The intuition from him has saved both of them in many situations. So, this guy trusts him a lot. He pulls him to the side and says "What's going on here?" The fellow police officer says "There is a very dark fog around this house."
The two police officers decide to go clear the basement with their weapons drawn. They let dispatch know they are going to clear the basement and then they make their way into the old house.
They go through the front door and enter an entryway. There is a kitchen to the left. There are two double doors to a living room on the right. They go through the kitchen and then through a small hallway towards the garage where there are steps down to the basement.
They open the basement door and start going down the steps. The steps are very steep and narrow like steps on a boat. There is no electricity downstairs. He only has the light on his gun. He said every single inch of his exposed skin felt like it was under assault from a thickness in the air.
They get downstairs and to the left are a bunch of old boilers. First a wood fire one, then an oil fire one, and then an updated furnace. To the left are steep stairs that go back outside through a bulkhead entrance (like the wizard of oz -- those basement doors that are flat in the ground).
And, in between the boilers and that bulkhead stair is a door to a back room inside the basement. And they focus on opening up that door.
The fellow officer opens the door and he goes inside. The room is filled with old wooden items and some boxes. There is nothing for anyone to hide behind. In the center of the room near the back is an old rocking horse. The white paint has been chipping and the hair on the horse has faded severely.
They both stand there looking at the rocking horse. He says he was drawn to the rocking horse in a very weird way.
Then he hears his radio as dispatch is calling. Dispatch says "Security check" as in "Are you guys ok?" He answers back that they are ok and dispatch says "What is taking you so long." He thinks this is very odd since usually dispatch does not interrupt you when you are clearing a house like that as they know you are highly focused.
He looks over to his fellow officer and he is staring at that rocking horse. His eyes are glossed over in a daze. He shakes his fellow officer and his fellow officer snaps out of it. They make their way back upstairs. They both talk in the kitchen that they are going to have to talk about this with each other after they leave the house to get their bearings back.
They go back out on the porch. The old woman has a smirk on her face. She says "Didn't feel good did it? You should have listened shouldn't you?"
He gets back in his vehicle and he asks dispatch why they interrupted him. Dispatch says he was gone too long. He says he wasn't gone long. Dispatch says he was gone for 10 minutes. He says he was not gone for 10 minutes. He says he was gone for about 2 minutes before they interrupted him.
There are more calls that come in and they move on to those.
However, later, back at the police station, they review the police body camera. Sure enough, once they get down into that room with the rocking horse, both he and the fellow officer freeze for 7 minutes looking at that rocking horse. They do not move. They do not speak. You can hear them both breathing for 7 minutes on the video. The only reason they snap out of it is because dispatch interrupts them on the radio. They both stood looking at that rocking horse for 7 minutes without realizing it.

A police officer received a call to help another officer, who he had known for many years. The call was designated as "suspicious circumstance."
The call was from a son who said that when he went to check on his mom at her old farmhouse, he had heard noises from downstairs in the basement.
It took the officer about 15 minutes to get out to this old farmhouse outside of town. It was yellow stucco and very old. He could see the old knob and tubing wiring on the outside of the house.
There is an upset old woman on the porch, the mom, and then a younger adult male standing next to her, the son, and then his fellow police officer standing next to them.
He goes up to them and gets all the information. When the son got to his mom's farmhouse to check on his mom, while he was talking to his mom on the main floor, he heard a noise in the basement like something being dropped. He dismissed it as perhaps an animal.
However, then there were more noises of things moving around and then he also started hearing voices.
The son said he thinks maybe someone is living down there taking advantage of his mom. He says the basement is unlivable as it has a dirt floor and no electricity.
The mom is upset. She said she didn't want the son to go down in the basement. And now, the mom didn't want the police officers to go down in the basement either.
So, he asks her why she doesn't want them to go down there. She says, "Because the others are down there."
And he asks her what she means by that. She says "The others were here long before me and they will be here long after me."
He says he understands but that they need to go check the basement. The mom says nicely "You are both good boys. Don't go down there."
Meanwhile, the officer sees that the fellow officer has a very scared look on his face. This fellow police officer has helped the police officer who is calling into the show many many times. The intuition from him has saved both of them in many situations. So, this guy trusts him a lot. He pulls him to the side and says "What's going on here?" The fellow police officer says "There is a very dark fog around this house."
The two police officers decide to go clear the basement with their weapons drawn. They let dispatch know they are going to clear the basement and then they make their way into the old house.
They go through the front door and enter an entryway. There is a kitchen to the left. There are two double doors to a living room on the right. They go through the kitchen and then through a small hallway towards the garage where there are steps down to the basement.
They open the basement door and start going down the steps. The steps are very steep and narrow like steps on a boat. There is no electricity downstairs. He only has the light on his gun. He said every single inch of his exposed skin felt like it was under assault from a thickness in the air.
They get downstairs and to the left are a bunch of old boilers. First a wood fire one, then an oil fire one, and then an updated furnace. To the left are steep stairs that go back outside through a bulkhead entrance (like the wizard of oz -- those basement doors that are flat in the ground).
And, in between the boilers and that bulkhead stair is a door to a back room inside the basement. And they focus on opening up that door.
The fellow officer opens the door and he goes inside. The room is filled with old wooden items and some boxes. There is nothing for anyone to hide behind. In the center of the room near the back is an old rocking horse. The white paint has been chipping and the hair on the horse has faded severely.
They both stand there looking at the rocking horse. He says he was drawn to the rocking horse in a very weird way.
Then he hears his radio as dispatch is calling. Dispatch says "Security check" as in "Are you guys ok?" He answers back that they are ok and dispatch says "What is taking you so long." He thinks this is very odd since usually dispatch does not interrupt you when you are clearing a house like that as they know you are highly focused.
He looks over to his fellow officer and he is staring at that rocking horse. His eyes are glossed over in a daze. He shakes his fellow officer and his fellow officer snaps out of it. They make their way back upstairs. They both talk in the kitchen that they are going to have to talk about this with each other after they leave the house to get their bearings back.
They go back out on the porch. The old woman has a smirk on her face. She says "Didn't feel good did it? You should have listened shouldn't you?"
He gets back in his vehicle and he asks dispatch why they interrupted him. Dispatch says he was gone too long. He says he wasn't gone long. Dispatch says he was gone for 10 minutes. He says he was not gone for 10 minutes. He says he was gone for about 2 minutes before they interrupted him.
There are more calls that come in and they move on to those.
However, later, back at the police station, they review the police body camera. Sure enough, once they get down into that room with the rocking horse, both he and the fellow officer freeze for 7 minutes looking at that rocking horse. They do not move. They do not speak. You can hear them both breathing for 7 minutes on the video. The only reason they snap out of it is because dispatch interrupts them on the radio. They both stood looking at that rocking horse for 7 minutes without realizing it.

A police officer received a call to help another officer, who he had known for many years. The call was designated as "suspicious circumstance."
The call was from a son who said that when he went to check on his mom at her old farmhouse, he had heard noises from downstairs in the basement.
It took the officer about 15 minutes to get out to this old farmhouse outside of town. It was yellow stucco and very old. He could see the old knob and tubing wiring on the outside of the house.
There is an upset old woman on the porch, the mom, and then a younger adult male standing next to her, the son, and then his fellow police officer standing next to them.
He goes up to them and gets all the information. When the son got to his mom's farmhouse to check on his mom, while he was talking to his mom on the main floor, he heard a noise in the basement like something being dropped. He dismissed it as perhaps an animal.
However, then there were more noises of things moving around and then he also started hearing voices.
The son said he thinks maybe someone is living down there taking advantage of his mom. He says the basement is unlivable as it has a dirt floor and no electricity.
The mom is upset. She said she didn't want the son to go down in the basement. And now, the mom didn't want the police officers to go down in the basement either.
So, he asks her why she doesn't want them to go down there. She says, "Because the others are down there."
And he asks her what she means by that. She says "The others were here long before me and they will be here long after me."
He says he understands but that they need to go check the basement. The mom says nicely "You are both good boys. Don't go down there."
Meanwhile, the officer sees that the fellow officer has a very scared look on his face. This fellow police officer has helped the police officer who is calling into the show many many times. The intuition from him has saved both of them in many situations. So, this guy trusts him a lot. He pulls him to the side and says "What's going on here?" The fellow police officer says "There is a very dark fog around this house."
The two police officers decide to go clear the basement with their weapons drawn. They let dispatch know they are going to clear the basement and then they make their way into the old house.
They go through the front door and enter an entryway. There is a kitchen to the left. There are two double doors to a living room on the right. They go through the kitchen and then through a small hallway towards the garage where there are steps down to the basement.
They open the basement door and start going down the steps. The steps are very steep and narrow like steps on a boat. There is no electricity downstairs. He only has the light on his gun. He said every single inch of his exposed skin felt like it was under assault from a thickness in the air.
They get downstairs and to the left are a bunch of old boilers. First a wood fire one, then an oil fire one, and then an updated furnace. To the left are steep stairs that go back outside through a bulkhead entrance (like the wizard of oz -- those basement doors that are flat in the ground).
And, in between the boilers and that bulkhead stair is a door to a back room inside the basement. And they focus on opening up that door.
The fellow officer opens the door and he goes inside. The room is filled with old wooden items and some boxes. There is nothing for anyone to hide behind. In the center of the room near the back is an old rocking horse. The white paint has been chipping and the hair on the horse has faded severely.
They both stand there looking at the rocking horse. He says he was drawn to the rocking horse in a very weird way.
Then he hears his radio as dispatch is calling. Dispatch says "Security check" as in "Are you guys ok?" He answers back that they are ok and dispatch says "What is taking you so long." He thinks this is very odd since usually dispatch does not interrupt you when you are clearing a house like that as they know you are highly focused.
He looks over to his fellow officer and he is staring at that rocking horse. His eyes are glossed over in a daze. He shakes his fellow officer and his fellow officer snaps out of it. They make their way back upstairs. They both talk in the kitchen that they are going to have to talk about this with each other after they leave the house to get their bearings back.
They go back out on the porch. The old woman has a smirk on her face. She says "Didn't feel good did it? You should have listened shouldn't you?"
He gets back in his vehicle and he asks dispatch why they interrupted him. Dispatch says he was gone too long. He says he wasn't gone long. Dispatch says he was gone for 10 minutes. He says he was not gone for 10 minutes. He says he was gone for about 2 minutes before they interrupted him.
There are more calls that come in and they move on to those.
However, later, back at the police station, they review the police body camera. Sure enough, once they get down into that room with the rocking horse, both he and the fellow officer freeze for 7 minutes looking at that rocking horse. They do not move. They do not speak. You can hear them both breathing for 7 minutes on the video. The only reason they snap out of it is because dispatch interrupts them on the radio. They both stood looking at that rocking horse for 7 minutes without realizing it.

I, like most people here, got into the community through YouTube. I love watching videos where people talk about unsolved mysteries or list out finds, it's just such an easy way to learn something interesting and stay in the loop. Recently I've really been into videos that document the entire process of finding something from start to finish, like The Girl Games of Lost Media and The Four Month Hunt to Find the Deleted FRED Album.
So what are your favorite lost media related videos? Is there a specific type you like, a certain creator, or one or 2 videos that you just love? I want some more stuff to watch so please share! (and if you have any videos like the kind I mentioned please lmk)
I also think it would be fun to make a playlist or 2 of everyone's recommendations; make it easy for all of us to watch something new. (I'll edit this post once I do)
Edit: I guess I have to clarify, I’m talking about YT videos ABOUT lost media, not YT videos that are lost media

A police officer received a call to help another officer, who he had known for many years. The call was designated as "suspicious circumstance."
The call was from a son who said that when he went to check on his mom at her old farmhouse, he had heard noises from downstairs in the basement.
It took the officer about 15 minutes to get out to this old farmhouse outside of town. It was yellow stucco and very old. He could see the old knob and tubing wiring on the outside of the house.
There is an upset old woman on the porch, the mom, and then a younger adult male standing next to her, the son, and then his fellow police officer standing next to them.
He goes up to them and gets all the information. When the son got to his mom's farmhouse to check on his mom, while he was talking to his mom on the main floor, he heard a noise in the basement like something being dropped. He dismissed it as perhaps an animal.
However, then there were more noises of things moving around and then he also started hearing voices.
The son said he thinks maybe someone is living down there taking advantage of his mom. He says the basement is unlivable as it has a dirt floor and no electricity.
The mom is upset. She said she didn't want the son to go down in the basement. And now, the mom didn't want the police officers to go down in the basement either.
So, he asks her why she doesn't want them to go down there. She says, "Because the others are down there."
And he asks her what she means by that. She says "The others were here long before me and they will be here long after me."
He says he understands but that they need to go check the basement. The mom says nicely "You are both good boys. Don't go down there."
Meanwhile, the officer sees that the fellow officer has a very scared look on his face. This fellow police officer has helped the police officer who is calling into the show many many times. The intuition from him has saved both of them in many situations. So, this guy trusts him a lot. He pulls him to the side and says "What's going on here?" The fellow police officer says "There is a very dark fog around this house."
The two police officers decide to go clear the basement with their weapons drawn. They let dispatch know they are going to clear the basement and then they make their way into the old house.
They go through the front door and enter an entryway. There is a kitchen to the left. There are two double doors to a living room on the right. They go through the kitchen and then through a small hallway towards the garage where there are steps down to the basement.
They open the basement door and start going down the steps. The steps are very steep and narrow like steps on a boat. There is no electricity downstairs. He only has the light on his gun. He said every single inch of his exposed skin felt like it was under assault from a thickness in the air.
They get downstairs and to the left are a bunch of old boilers. First a wood fire one, then an oil fire one, and then an updated furnace. To the left are steep stairs that go back outside through a bulkhead entrance (like the wizard of oz -- those basement doors that are flat in the ground).
And, in between the boilers and that bulkhead stair is a door to a back room inside the basement. And they focus on opening up that door.
The fellow officer opens the door and he goes inside. The room is filled with old wooden items and some boxes. There is nothing for anyone to hide behind. In the center of the room near the back is an old rocking horse. The white paint has been chipping and the hair on the horse has faded severely.
They both stand there looking at the rocking horse. He says he was drawn to the rocking horse in a very weird way.
Then he hears his radio as dispatch is calling. Dispatch says "Security check" as in "Are you guys ok?" He answers back that they are ok and dispatch says "What is taking you so long." He thinks this is very odd since usually dispatch does not interrupt you when you are clearing a house like that as they know you are highly focused.
He looks over to his fellow officer and he is staring at that rocking horse. His eyes are glossed over in a daze. He shakes his fellow officer and his fellow officer snaps out of it. They make their way back upstairs. They both talk in the kitchen that they are going to have to talk about this with each other after they leave the house to get their bearings back.
They go back out on the porch. The old woman has a smirk on her face. She says "Didn't feel good did it? You should have listened shouldn't you?"
He gets back in his vehicle and he asks dispatch why they interrupted him. Dispatch says he was gone too long. He says he wasn't gone long. Dispatch says he was gone for 10 minutes. He says he was not gone for 10 minutes. He says he was gone for about 2 minutes before they interrupted him.
There are more calls that come in and they move on to those.
However, later, back at the police station, they review the police body camera. Sure enough, once they get down into that room with the rocking horse, both he and the fellow officer freeze for 7 minutes looking at that rocking horse. They do not move. They do not speak. You can hear them both breathing for 7 minutes on the video. The only reason they snap out of it is because dispatch interrupts them on the radio. They both stood looking at that rocking horse for 7 minutes without realizing it.

Pretty short episodes(5-6 minutes if I remember correctly), I think most are on YouTube. Basically they go on some sort of space mission and the dude usually ends up sleeping with a random girl they find in space. I don’t know exactly how to describe the animation style but it is just basic animation nothing special, the art kinda has a lazy look in a way? It’s pretty stupid and doesn’t have much plot but it’s funny and I want to remember the name and go back to watch it. If I can answer any question I will.

Over the years I've dropped in for weekday afternoon races at Pimlico and Laurel. Fascinating stuff, but also a world apart for me - I don't know anyone involved in any aspect of it. With the Preakness on Saturday, maybe now is a good time to ask.
What's interesting in pony-land? Nearly any of it.
Is it pretty clean or hopelessly dirty? (My impression: clean-ish, there's decent access to to the paddocks, and the poky pace of what I've seen does not suggest thriving criminality)
Is there lore? Books, people, particular races. I assume the Triple Crown winner years were notable.
Got any good stories? Whether horses or Preakness infield, they're worth airing out this weekend.
So I'm not just begging, some books I'll look into:
https://www.amazon.com/Belair-Stud-Cradle-Maryland-Racing/dp/1609494814
https://www.amazon.com/Merryland-Years-Life-Racing-Stable/dp/158150182X
https://www.amazon.com/Pimlico-Through-Time-Brian-Girling/dp/1848689950
and of course
https://www.amazon.com/Seabiscuit-American-Legend-Ballantine-Readers-ebook/dp/B00495XOWS/

A police officer received a call to help another officer, who he had known for many years. The call was designated as "suspicious circumstance."
The call was from a son who said that when he went to check on his mom at her old farmhouse, he had heard noises from downstairs in the basement.
It took the officer about 15 minutes to get out to this old farmhouse outside of town. It was yellow stucco and very old. He could see the old knob and tubing wiring on the outside of the house.
There is an upset old woman on the porch, the mom, and then a younger adult male standing next to her, the son, and then his fellow police officer standing next to them.
He goes up to them and gets all the information. When the son got to his mom's farmhouse to check on his mom, while he was talking to his mom on the main floor, he heard a noise in the basement like something being dropped. He dismissed it as perhaps an animal.
However, then there were more noises of things moving around and then he also started hearing voices.
The son said he thinks maybe someone is living down there taking advantage of his mom. He says the basement is unlivable as it has a dirt floor and no electricity.
The mom is upset. She said she didn't want the son to go down in the basement. And now, the mom didn't want the police officers to go down in the basement either.
So, he asks her why she doesn't want them to go down there. She says, "Because the others are down there."
And he asks her what she means by that. She says "The others were here long before me and they will be here long after me."
He says he understands but that they need to go check the basement. The mom says nicely "You are both good boys. Don't go down there."
Meanwhile, the officer sees that the fellow officer has a very scared look on his face. This fellow police officer has helped the police officer who is calling into the show many many times. The intuition from him has saved both of them in many situations. So, this guy trusts him a lot. He pulls him to the side and says "What's going on here?" The fellow police officer says "There is a very dark fog around this house."
The two police officers decide to go clear the basement with their weapons drawn. They let dispatch know they are going to clear the basement and then they make their way into the old house.
They go through the front door and enter an entryway. There is a kitchen to the left. There are two double doors to a living room on the right. They go through the kitchen and then through a small hallway towards the garage where there are steps down to the basement.
They open the basement door and start going down the steps. The steps are very steep and narrow like steps on a boat. There is no electricity downstairs. He only has the light on his gun. He said every single inch of his exposed skin felt like it was under assault from a thickness in the air.
They get downstairs and to the left are a bunch of old boilers. First a wood fire one, then an oil fire one, and then an updated furnace. To the left are steep stairs that go back outside through a bulkhead entrance (like the wizard of oz -- those basement doors that are flat in the ground).
And, in between the boilers and that bulkhead stair is a door to a back room inside the basement. And they focus on opening up that door.
The fellow officer opens the door and he goes inside. The room is filled with old wooden items and some boxes. There is nothing for anyone to hide behind. In the center of the room near the back is an old rocking horse. The white paint has been chipping and the hair on the horse has faded severely.
They both stand there looking at the rocking horse. He says he was drawn to the rocking horse in a very weird way.
Then he hears his radio as dispatch is calling. Dispatch says "Security check" as in "Are you guys ok?" He answers back that they are ok and dispatch says "What is taking you so long." He thinks this is very odd since usually dispatch does not interrupt you when you are clearing a house like that as they know you are highly focused.
He looks over to his fellow officer and he is staring at that rocking horse. His eyes are glossed over in a daze. He shakes his fellow officer and his fellow officer snaps out of it. They make their way back upstairs. They both talk in the kitchen that they are going to have to talk about this with each other after they leave the house to get their bearings back.
They go back out on the porch. The old woman has a smirk on her face. She says "Didn't feel good did it? You should have listened shouldn't you?"
He gets back in his vehicle and he asks dispatch why they interrupted him. Dispatch says he was gone too long. He says he wasn't gone long. Dispatch says he was gone for 10 minutes. He says he was not gone for 10 minutes. He says he was gone for about 2 minutes before they interrupted him.
There are more calls that come in and they move on to those.
However, later, back at the police station, they review the police body camera. Sure enough, once they get down into that room with the rocking horse, both he and the fellow officer freeze for 7 minutes looking at that rocking horse. They do not move. They do not speak. You can hear them both breathing for 7 minutes on the video. The only reason they snap out of it is because dispatch interrupts them on the radio. They both stood looking at that rocking horse for 7 minutes without realizing it.

I don't really know why I'm writing this ... I think it's because I've tried to explain it to my uncle but all he said is that I should get my addiction under control and stop forgetting to take my meds.
I can't blame him. You see... I have a history. I've lost it in the past , twice actually. I'm not here to talk about it , but I think it's important to lay this down first. So you can understand.

I've been told something's wrong with my brain, maybe I was born this way, maybe I've been through too much. That my mother was an addict, she'd cut ties with her family for 10 years when she had me. That where she had been and who my father was, is was very unclear. She was part of a community in the forgotten part of the nearest big city when she died. I was there when it happened.
My uncle Sean and Aunt Maggie became my guardians just before my 5th birthday and I'm still with him 20 years later. Maggie left the ranch a few weeks ago after an amicable divorce, I never understood why they were together anyway she was always working somewhere, traveling a lot. I was closer to him and his sturdy way of life.

When I first arrived at the ranch, I was in a bad shape. I got better thanks to him but when I reached thirteen, all the memories from my early childhood suddenly came back. I started having flashbacks. My memories came back, but they came back wrong.

I had been told that my mother had died of an untreated infection. Yet in my dreams, I saw her , again and again , in a pool of blood. An then... Then it came. The... Thing. I won't describe it. It kind of triggers something in me that I really don't need right now.

I've been told that what happened next was so traumatic that my brain made up a monster, a fiction , to make sense of what I was seeing and not processing.
This ... Thing started obsessing me and during my early teenage years I focused all my energy on finding what it was and proving it happened. That a monster did kill and mutilated my mother. My nightmares were so bad that I stopped sleeping. I drank so much energy drinks that I ended up in the hospital twice with severe dehydration.

Thankfully, I got better. I started working more and more with my uncle's horses. I think it's why he employed me, he saw how manual work and caring for the animals helped. I even got my first girlfriend around my 17th year. I was prom king. Who would have thought?
But then... She had a cheerleading accident. In front of me. And I lost it again. I won't go into details but she broke her neck during half-time and once again... The way she fell, folded and screamed. I couldn't process. It was IT. It'd shapeshifted to get to her. I'm ashamed of it but I became violent. Looking for it franticly. Screaming non sense and talking made up words. I had to be sedated. She made it alive, but she never wanted to see me again. I was accused by pretty much everyone to make the accident all about myself. And they were kind of right....

Now you know how I came to be the " crazy" guy. I have a bit of a drinking problem too to be honest... You see I never went back to high school. I started working full time at the ranch when I came by, and sometimes, it gets lonely. It's not rare to find me passed out in the hay in the early morning in the summer. And what can I tell you... I know I shouldn't. I know it's "bad" . But I love those nights. I put music , cuddle with my dog and just look at the cold bright stars, drinking beer until they start spinning.

It's because of this bad habit that I realized something was wrong with the horses. You see, contrary to the movies, horses are pretty silent. They don't neigh unless you separate them from their best mate or bring food. And that night... The night it all started. They wouldn't stop. I could hear them galloping and snorting. I wondered if there was a stray dog but they were used to dogs. I was a bit worried. Horses get stupid when they are afraid and we had a big show coming, it wasn't the time so sprain a leg. What really troubled me was my dog. He seemed ... Weird.
Max was a pit mix my uncle had rescued when I was 15. He only woke when I got up and walked a bit to look at the paddocks. That's when I realised the moon behind me. It was huge, and red. I wondered if I had ever seen it so close and so red before. I looked at Max The white of his eyes showed and he started whining. I had never heard him make this noise. Ever.

I looked at my phone. It was quarter to three. I took a pitchfork to be safe and walked toward the clubhouse. We kept a shotgun there in a locker. The horses kept going crazy and max's tail was stiff. I was walking fast but carefully in the darkness when the music reached me. A chant. A low chant. I kind of felt it too... Like a ... vibration.
It was coming from the yearlings field near the forest patch, on the opposite direction of the clubhouse. My horse was in this field. I backtracked immediately and rushed toward the sound as I dialled my uncle. Off course he didn't answer. He didn't live on the property anymore but a few miles away. I left a message, whispering. " I'm at the stable, something weird ‘s happening. I think they're people messing with horses I'm going to see. I think you should come , I don't know...Call me back.". The weird chant buzzed in the background, louder, as if more people had joined. I saw the glow of the fire before I passed the last building. It rose , under the bloody moonlight. Dark figures circled around it. Slowly. The horses seemed to have retreated at the other end of the pasture and I was relieved. Until I saw it. The figure at the centre of this dark carousel. " What the f are those creeps doing" escaped my lips.
blazing fury filled me , like a white iron like a white hot blade blinding me . "HEYYYY" I screamed at the top of lungs. " WHAT ARE YOU DOING !? ". The figures stopped and turn toward me. I was running now , my knuckles going white around the pitchfork's stick. Max was growling. A deep growl. His hair high upon his backbone. The figure, still pretty far did not move. I could see their heavy hooded cloaks. " what kind of sick pricks are those " I muttered. " HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" I screamed again, louder than I ever thought I could scream. And then I saw him. Gun.
Gun was my uncle's favourite horse. His old stallion's spitting image. The young horse was lying in front of the fire behind the intruders.
"WHAT DID YOU DO! I'M CALLING THE COPS!!!!". I stopped and was dialling when a figure detached itself from the group and advanced. It seemed to ... float? It moved toward Max and I... so silently.
The burning rage in veins turned cold , and heavy. I opened my mouth but nothing crossed my lips. Suddenly, Max jumped. He growled in a way I hope to never hear any dog do again. A desperate, furious growl. A life or death sound. A war cry... His warm blood spattered on my face. He... Honestly I don't know what happened at that moment. Something lied bloody on the ground but I couldn't even have told that it used to be a dog, even less Max. Acid tears filled my eyes as I realized my mouth was still open. I was tasting him.
I wanted to scream, to run, to just get swallowed by the earth and yet I did nothing at all but stare at the floating silhouette. It was so tall. " Come, my child". " We were waiting for you, we knew you'd come, Your father told us you'd be here when we'd call".
I heard those words, but I wouldn't be able to tell you anything about the thing who spoke them. I say thing because it didn't have a voice. It... Buzzed. Like... a cello.
Suddenly... I floated too. Panick seized me. Like a trapped raccoon in my
chest it dug its claws, scratching furiously my closed throat.
" Your father said you were ready. We will prepare you." I was now in front of the crackling blaze. the other figures circling me. Smiling Men and woman welcomed me. On their faces they all wore a similar mark. a cross covering their eyes horizontally, and their nose and mouth vertically. Their hands... Their hands were still dripping with gun's inside. Gun... Was ... opened.
" A necessary sacrificed" whispered a woman, still smiling. " I know you liked him very much... I'm sorry..." " I could have taken yours, but I knew you wouldn't have forgiven me'. Her voice. .." Aunt Maggie?' I croaked. Her eyes shone with a mad light. " Gosh do you look like your mother tonight... She'd be so proud. Her baby boy..." .
The tall figure made a gesture and I spined and found myself looking at the sky. I thought I'd fallen but... I wasn't touching the ground...
My aunt continued speaking." She was just like you the first time ... So... naive, so afraid.. She was only 16! That was our mistake you see, she wasn't ready for her destiny yet when she joined us... That's why we waited for you."
The chant , the low buzzing chant rose once again. The people around me started walking in a circle around me. I was just above Gun's body.
One, by one, they buried they hands in the belly of the horse and traced the cross on my face. I sealed my lips as tight as I could as the warm blood covered my face. Through the blood and tears I recognize faces. A nurse from the hospital. A teacher. The coffeeshop barista. My psychiatrist... I closed my eyes.
It was a nightmare. It couldn't be anything but a nightmare.
Yet the smell of the horse's inside and the crackling fire still reached me as they started ripping my clothes off.
" This is not real" I whispered. " This is not real, this is not real THIS IS NOT real" I screamed weakly.
'Oh , My dear I'm so sorry ' whispered my aunt. I should have told you earlier... But Dr Carter said it was better to let you grow up a bit first. He said it help you keep the secrets if you were afraid of them. I'm sure you don't feel this way, but it was an honour to watch your mother ascend the way she did. Her agony was the most beautiful thing she could have hoped for. You were supposed to ascend with her but she ruined it". " Slut" groaned a middle aged woman before spitting on the floor.
" She was my best friend you know... I thought I knew her. I thought I could trust her. But she lied to me."
"You see, we know you are his son. But... She wasn't a virgin when she was honoured."
She smiled. " It doesn't matter how cruelly she tricked us. You can help us find the perfect girl."
One by one, each member traced a symbol on my skin.
" You're so handsome... He'll be so glad. The perfect boy. The perfect vessel."
"It's almost time, Prepare" hissed the tall figure.
" You're going to give him his heir, the one ruler among the realms. You see he can't travel here whenever but you're an anchor my love. Each generation he choses an anchor until he finds one who'll give him THE son, the one who'll die for his freedom. Our freedom."
"QUIET SLAVE AND KNEEL" shrieked the tall figure.
She kneeled right near me, and whispered " You're...". I heard a slash. Aunt Maggie’s face slid horizontally. Her eyes followed me as the upper part of the face slid slowly toward the ground.
" HAIL THE PRINCE".
A chant, colder and louder than never before rose with the crackling flames toward the moon.
" Iä! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young! » chanted the disciples."
Frozen, I watched the blazing sky above and saw a door. A perfect wooden door , in the sky. It slowly cracked open as the crowd turn to hysterics and the chant turned to mad screams.
"MY SOOOOOOOON" The whole earth seemed to split open under the weight of the sound coming from the perfect rectangle of empty darkness in the sky.
And then... I saw... I saw what I had tried to forget for twenty-years. I saw those split red eyes and their evil glare. I saw the iron hooves at the end of too many legs. I saw the tentacles who fled my mother with their thousand beaks. Everything all at once, I saw it shift, from an odious form to a more loathsome one. I burned in a way I'll never be able to describe.
I woke up two weeks ago in the nearest hospital. I was found on the ground, surrounded by the yearlings, the corpse of gun and some remains of Max. My uncle explained to me that I had found a bear feasting on Gun, that Max must have attacked it and I'd fainted or been knocked out trying to scare it away. Laying lifeless had saved me. I didn't speak of what I saw at the hospital. I knew better now. I've tried to explain to my uncle why I had to move out to the big city. That I had a mission now. That I had never been crazy and that I shouldn't have been afraid.
I know now that I'm blessed. You see he thinks I'm just having another episode, that it’s a "manic" episode and I should go back to the clinic, but I know better now. I am special. I am. And he can be too. Anyway... He'll be whether he joins or not. You'll all be. Because he is coming. He 'll bless us all. Because you see, I know I can find her and I'll give him the perfect door. A door to let him in. A door to let all of him in. He'll honour us all, all at once.
" Iä! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young! »

Originally chronicled here.
I am not the OOP. OOP is u/Lost_Beginning_2824
This was originally posted in TrueOffMyChest
2 updates
(recovered via pushpull)
Original post - February 6th, 2024
1st Update - February 28th, 2024
2nd Update - March 8th, 2024
Trigger warning: mention of domestic violence situation
I’m married to a woman who acts like a teenage girl – February 6th, 2024
My wife behaves like a teenage girl and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
This is just a rant. Curious to know how many full grown adults behave the way my wife does. I’d say out of all of the adult women I know, like friends, relatives, wives of my friends, none of them behave this way unless they keep it a closely guarded secret.
Editing right here to add that my wife is in her 30s, for context.
My wife is always obsessed with somebody, a man or sometimes multiple men at one time. Usually there is one or two main focuses at a time. When I talk obsessed I mean obsessed like a teenage girl or maybe even preteen girl would be. I’ve seen pictures of her bedroom when she was that age and they were literally wallpapers in posters of her favorite guys. That’s totally normal for a 13 year old girl. She still behaves that way as a woman in her 30s. Granted, our bedroom walls aren’t wallpapered in posters but they probably would be if I allowed it.
Her obsessions have ranged from rock stars, actors, non-entertainment industry public figures. It’s like one day she hasn’t even heard of the guy in question and the next day she’s super fan #1 and knows just about everything there is to know about him. She will read and watch everything there is to watch about the man. She will bring him up in every conversation. She will adopt parts of him into her own personality. She will suggest things that make it clear to me that she wants me to adopt characteristics of these men as part of my appearance or personality. She will openly admit to me that she’s masturbated over the guy multiple times in one day.
When she finds a new man to obsess over, she puts the others in her little stable of men who she always has a place for in her heart and in her fantasies, so they never really go away. The new man just takes center stage and becomes the main focus of almost her entire life.
So the current obsession is so strange to me. Never saw this one coming, but leave it to her to always find somebody new to fall in love with. The intensity that she has during these periods - it’s honestly like she falls in love with these men.
I’m laughing so hard just typing this all. Her current obsession is Bret Hart, former pro wrestler. This woman had never watched wrestling before in her life. Always thought that stuff was below her. And now she’s obsessed with this former pro-wrestler. She watched one show about him, for reasons I’m not aware of, and I could tell almost instantly where it was headed. I thought “here we go…” So now the Bret Hart obsession is in full swing. Has she already dropped close to $1000 in vintage Bret Hart shirts on eBay? Of course. Bought all the stickers and magnets and all sorts of other stupid crap she can find? Yep. Does she send me Bret Hart YouTube clips all.day.long when she’s supposed to be working? Yes she does.
So, I better get to work brushing up on my Bret Hart knowledge and tag lines. This is the key to getting laid when it comes to her. I’m used to this by now. It’s just not something that I can easily explain to anyone I know.
I mean, there’s are things I’m a fan of, but she is next level. I can’t think of anyone I know who is her age and acts like this. She was voted most likely to grow up and become a groupie when she was in high school, so this is absolutely nothing new for her. Sigh.
Many are lighthearted in the comments
plastic_Schedule_891
I mean he's the best there is, was and ever will be so that one makes sense at least .
You don’t think I’m hearing that 10 times a day now?
I better start planning that trip to Calgary.
Limerence is mentioned
poopchutethemoon
Yeah my bouts of limerence have been with people I’ve dated but reading that made me realize that I was very much being obsessive and it was totally all consuming. Glad it’s over honestly. Those feelings are exhausting.
Very interesting to hear you say the feelings are exhausting. It’s like a full time job for my wife, so I could see that. She told me she’s at work with her door closed pretending to be working, but she’s really watching Bret Hart videos on YouTube. She can’t even focus on her job.
OOP reveals more of the life he’s signed up for in the comments
get-bread-not-head
You've pretended to act like other men for 20 years?!
Damn dude, I hope you're finding ways to accept it and cope. That sounds rough, having to be someone else to have sex... stay strong king
Nah, I just learn their catchphrases or gain some deep fan knowledge that’ll impress her or maybe perfect a vocal impersonation of them that I can drop at the opportune time. The vocal impersonations work the best as far as making her like me and being like “ok, wanna have sex now?”
another_canoe
But what do you guys actually share *together*? That's not related to the obsession of the season? (I'm not going to even bother asking if she's tried to learn about any of your hobbies/interests).
NGL, this is all pretty grim to me, my man....and I'm someone who loves having a partner who is passionate about things and nerds out.
I fear that you've spent so long with her infatuations steamrolling over your own interests and preferences that you have convinced yourself that getting attention-by-proxy as your main source of validation from your SPOUSE is a healthy way to live.
If I told you that I was big into anime and Japanese RPGs and the only way I get interested in doing it with my actual wife is if she adopts the catch phrases /personality characteristics of my latest "waifu", would you feel some concern for my wife's mental health?
I'm also wondering about this spending....
She’s pretty dismissive of my interests and hobbies. I’ve told her I’d like her to try to pretend to show a little more interest sometimes. I make an effort to show real interest in her stuff and she does not do the same. I’m very into music and I do geek out over guitars and gear and things like that and she couldn’t tell you anything about any of the guitars I own other than “he has a blue one, he has a red one. “ We do love some of the same bands. Of course she wants to fuck the band members and I just want to talk about the chord progression on my favorite guitar tracks, but it’s close enough. We like a lot of the same movies and that sort of thing. We have the same sense of humor and can keep each other laughing for ages. We have a lot of the same views on life and on the world in general.
I don’t know, we just get each other I guess.
I would be concerned about the waifu thing, but I guess in my case she always likes guys who I think are pretty cool anyway. She has good taste, at least. If she has to be obsessing over some other guy constantly at least she does it over guys I can respect on some level.
Regarding the spending, I spend way more than she does. Only difference is it’s not usually fan merch I’m buying. But she tolerate my spending when it comes to stuff like guitar gear. She rolls her eyes and reprimands me but she tolerates it and just knows I won’t stop. I’m the same when it comes to her fan stuff. I get it, she wants the vintage 1993 Bret Hart shirt that costs hundreds…not a modern shirt that just anyone could go online and buy for $25 right now. She wants the cool, rare stuff. I’m the same with my guitars so I guess it’s like we understand each other in some way. I think it’s weird to become a fan of somebody and 2 days later drop thousands on them though. At least my money pit is consistent.
I think we both feel like we’re the only person who will semi understand and tolerate all of this stuff from each other
Not included here, but in several comments, OOP definitely brings up his wife’s looks as a positive in the relationship and he finds her antics at times amusing or even attractive.
1st Update - February 28th, 2024
I recently wrote about my wife suddenly discovering former pro-wrestler Bret “The Hitman” Hart one day after never even knowing of his existence, experienced love at first site, and is now even deeper than love with him then she was a month ago.
Tonight, I experienced a good hour of her sobbing, literal sobs, after watching the Bret Hart A&E biography. “I just love him so much. I love him with all my heart. I don’t want any more bad things to happen to him. Also, I’m very jealous he’s not my husband.”
She also went from not wanting any kids to suddenly wanting a baby so she can name it Bret (a girl or a boy, doesn’t matter…they will be named Bret). And she almost had me convinced, but I blame that on the heat of the moment.
She’s bought all sorts of clothes just like his. My wife now dresses like Bret Hart in and outside of the ring.
The past few days she’s been acting really annoyed with me. Finally I’m like “Wtf am I doing wrong?” I bought you Bret Hart stuff for your birthday! I call you Mrs. Bret Hart now, even though you’re my wife. I even sent you flowers at work from Bret. I mean that was supposed to get me points because she knew they were from me and I was playing into her obsession which she’s now apparently shared with everyone she works with. They’ve bought her a giant Bret Hart wall decal for her office.
Ok, so I did forget our anniversary which was very recently. Totally forgot it. Then again, so did she. She was too busy masturbating over Bret Hart to remember our wedding anniversary. I mean bad husband points for me obviously but all the birthday gifts had to have made up for it. I mean, I even ordered a Bret Hart birthday banner and got her a Bret Hart themed birthday cake as if she were a 7 year old boy in the year 1994.
So why is she acting so annoyed lately? Why does she act like she hates me and can’t stand to even be in the same room as me? She finally admits…I’m not Bret Hart. None of her obsession have ever been this bad. She’s seriously threatening me with divorce now because I’m not Bret Hart! She “just wants a guy like that.” She had to go walk the dog today and cry over it, how much she hates me and wishes she was married to Bret Hart. Oh fuck me you want a guy like your dad because that’s what Bret Hart is like…exactly like her dad, the same look, the same hair, the same damn age.
I told her I think she should get checked out for autism or some other sort of disorder. Her obsessions have never been this bad. She should make an appointment now because the waitlist is long. She just laughed. There’s nothing wrong with her. She just has different taste in men now, according to her.
Some comments
psychick
Therapist here - she needs to see a psychiatrist. This is mental illness to the extreme. Either she goes, or you leave. This is ultimatum territory. And, stop giving into her obsession. It makes it worse.
nualt42
Man, when she threatens divorce, take it. Jump at the chance.
Hell, sit, be a good boy and offer your fucking paw if that’s what it takes to get treated to an exit strategy. Don’t worry about dignity, sounds like you gave that up a long time ago.
She’s even looked up the divorce process for where we live and says we can be amicable about everything. She assures me she’s not looking to take any thing that is rightfully mine. She just wants a clean break.
Sophie3546
I’m surprised he even lasted this long. Calling her “Ms. Bret Hart” …..I can’t even fathom.
Excuse me, it’s MRS Bret Hart, not Ms.
NEW UPDATE - March 8th, 2024
Hi, you might remember me as the guy whose wife was obsessed with JFK (35th President of the United States), then experienced a world wind romance with former WWF pro-wrestler Bret Hart (the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be), but now she’s met a new man. I thought the Bret Hart obsession was the worst one yet. Never has she threatened divorce or told me she hated me because I wasn’t the object of her desire. Luckily, that was a relatively quick love affair for her. 3-4 months is a short run for her and one of her men. But I should be careful what I wish for.
This new one is the first time I’ve felt that I should maybe, just possibly, feel legitimately scared. Her newly developing obsession is Patrick Bateman. Yep, the character from American Psycho. Specifically, the movie version played by Christian Bale.
It’s not like she’s just met the guy. She’s seen the movie before but it doesn’t appear that they hit it off initially. Now, she’s suddenly started making constant reference to him. Bret is gone and now it’s just Patrick Bateman and maniacal laughter and purchasing all of the items in his skin care routine. I’d like to see her do 1000 crunches though. That’ll be the day.
She has always admitted to living the 80s preppy/yuppie look. She loves assholes. Assholes are a weakness for her. Psychopaths? Hmm…that’s a new one, unless you count the time she was in love with the Menendez Brothers years ago. God, the pastel Ralph Lauren sweaters she used to try to make me wear. Pastels are just not my shades.
Now, there was a time many years ago where I did have to hide all the knives in our home. I was legitimately scared that she was going to murder me. I forget what she was upset about now. I am, after all, her type - an asshole. I did something that bothered her and she ran for the knives. I had to hide them and then lock myself in a bedroom because she was literally chasing me. That was before she decided that she’d be the female Patrick Bateman. Granted, she says “only mean in the looks and snob department-nothing else.”
She’s trying to determine what the female equivalent to a Patrick Bateman hairstyle would be right now. I’m just worried about the bank account with this obsession. The amount she’ll spend on business cards alone.
Comments
lemonade_sparkle
Your wife is severely mentally ill, and needs help quickly.
Is there no chance of persuading her to get help?
If not, what preparations have you made to leave her?
I’m a strange way, I think these obsessions are what keep her sane.
Her getting help is funny though. It’s not going to happen. Sure I’ve tried to persuade her to see a therapist but she just won’t.
ctIaTErA
I probably shouldn’t be laughing as hard as I am right now. This is truly bizarre. Does she narrate her morning routine in the mirror each day now?
But in all seriousness, she’s chased you with a knife? Thats far more concerning than any of the obsessions with these men, and yes I did read the post about the wrestler. I thought it was just very quirky behavior before, but she seems truly unhinged now.
It was years ago. Like 10+ years ago. I’m much stronger than her so it’s not hard to hold her down if need be.
I AM NOT OOP
NO BRIGADING, NO HARASSMENT

Hi! Im new to Reddit and saw this community and decided to make a try to find someone to text, discuss things and expand my circle My interests

• yoga, stretching, pilates and related classes, holistic practices
• I do crochet and really enjoy cross stitching
• not a fan of tv series in general but have seen great amount of movies
• I got a degree in cultural studies, if you are fan of arts and culture you are welcome :)
• I see a lot of people are gamers here, unfortunately im not but love watching some walkthroughs on YouTube, resident evil series are my favorite
• im ok with long discussions, could also be about traumatic experiences if you are ok with it; friendship/relationship advice

girls preferably! boys are ok if you are fine with just talking
I live in UTC+3 and may not be able to answer immediately but still wanna talk :) also English is not my native so it would be great as a practice lol

https://preview.redd.it/yexy2c42mh0d1.png?width=350&format=png&auto=webp&s=ec77db330b221528a33ce1719616ddb0a8274c96
I have a theory that Pernida Parnkgjas was the scientist of the Wandenreich and has a link to Robert Accutrone and BG9.
https://preview.redd.it/rnk0c7s3mh0d1.png?width=437&format=png&auto=webp&s=7ab4622fa90b37082a10573c1528c31a38c8f3ab
Pernida governs progress and has the ability to rapidly evolve which is associated with science.
https://preview.redd.it/2af1gv65mh0d1.png?width=494&format=png&auto=webp&s=c3687b83f41f447d13f81c21346b4fcc6440a535
There is a theory this new female Quincy is Pernida which I think is possible. Pernida did always sound like a girl's name to me. There is precedent, Ukitake merged with Mimihagi and become the Soul King's Right Arm. I think Pernida got overtaken by the left arm.
https://preview.redd.it/8uvcjed6mh0d1.png?width=486&format=png&auto=webp&s=76e46013dffd5141a370f9813d676da245beb46a
Robert Accutrone did not get much screen time but he did have noteworthy scenes.
https://preview.redd.it/3waytly7mh0d1.png?width=540&format=png&auto=webp&s=6d8923f0bb8351b5110497e1a592e6916f4bf018
He was the only Sternritter left behind that knew Yhwach would use Auswählen on them. He calls Lillotto and Giselle newcomers hinting at him being a veteran of the last Quincy war and maybe beyond that since Bazz-B who is also a senior member was surprised.
https://preview.redd.it/1r0nqw79mh0d1.png?width=448&format=png&auto=webp&s=89951d7c7d5f08af0ede2907cec963a4ac86f25c
Robert Accutrone was the only Sternritter stripped to bone the first time Auswählen was used which seems significant. When Haschwalth was describing the technique Robert, Gerard and Pernida were used as the visual demonstrations which I think links them.
https://preview.redd.it/f85td3hamh0d1.png?width=343&format=png&auto=webp&s=e1996d4c352c69e62e27fe49670c446044eae9cd
Later on Gerard was also stripped to the bone when Auswählen was used on him the same as Robert I think another hint to a connection.
https://preview.redd.it/2iwtivfcvm0d1.png?width=826&format=png&auto=webp&s=230937799488683dc8dcbd2cfae5de88465da02d
Gerard isn't a normal Quincy, he is the heart of the Soul King and in Klub Outside Kubo stated that Quincy Zeichen that appeared after he was bifurcated was his core. I think Gerard and Robert are artificial lifeforms created by Pernida.
https://preview.redd.it/wvc399tqvm0d1.png?width=487&format=png&auto=webp&s=14162c5d8abcf0332eb953f86a9445e67f1e92bf
If my theory is true I think it gives a clue to Robert's Schrift, I think it is N: The Nightmare. I think it will connect to Nemu, an artificial soul. Her name starts with N and her full name Nanagō Nemuri translates to Sleep No. 7.
https://preview.redd.it/btxwgnrcmh0d1.png?width=451&format=png&auto=webp&s=6d53b92b23641b4e3ec3908f7ae4f7f26df86c27
Mayuri stated that it was the dream of all Shinigami to create a soul from nothing like god. Which is why he called it the Nemuri Project since you can't dream while awake. Robert's Vollständig is Grimaniel God's Step. I think the symbolism is following in the footsteps of god (the Soul King) in creating life. The term comes up in the anime, Aizen told Yhwach he was following in the foot steps of a Shinigami. I guessing his ability will be dream manipulation.
https://preview.redd.it/jvagnmgfmh0d1.png?width=540&format=png&auto=webp&s=a512ecb0c10ef2b5bab68d1825ee65de9a56115d
There is an old theory that BG9 is really Shawlong Koufang. Not only do they look alike but it was bolstered by them having the same voice actor. If true I think it was Pernida who recovered him and transformed him into BG9.
https://preview.redd.it/iqq0cqhgmh0d1.png?width=492&format=png&auto=webp&s=bdc1a7836dc48c3e00640ef7574552adec93bc13
We know the Wandenreich forcibly recruited Arrancar into their ranks and some were given Quincy powers.
https://preview.redd.it/m4ki7ynhmh0d1.png?width=531&format=png&auto=webp&s=3d1db077cb2262d9c27d7dfffafaff6eda2a0ed0
Interestingly enough BG9 was executed along with Cang Du.
https://preview.redd.it/4dius7pimh0d1.png?width=540&format=png&auto=webp&s=97617ae24e21b5881eca1651c60aea349d59a0bb
Cang Du did not believe Bankai had a mind of their own since he didn't believe in pantheism. It seems like BG9 is an object.
https://preview.redd.it/qcd9j4sjmh0d1.png?width=540&format=png&auto=webp&s=2782bf4a6ee99603f16f2fc8ed3452bb45daa692
BG9 claimed he did not breathe. And Soi Fon called him a mechanical doll that Mayuri would find interesting which I think is important since it's a link to science and Mayuri did resurrect a couple of Arrancars.
https://preview.redd.it/zhnpwi8lmh0d1.png?width=540&format=png&auto=webp&s=b9331287fb7325d91b90ef78380bafa6c3388863
We know Cang Du is objectively wrong about pantheism, all things in the Bleach world have souls. Which makes me think that Shawlong had a Soul King fragment and is why Pernida turned him into seemingly a cyborg.
https://preview.redd.it/fmwfj7vmmh0d1.png?width=540&format=png&auto=webp&s=9fb091732da0cca06f5d3b67167002c6719ecda5
Like I mentioned before Arrancars did come back from the dead so resurrection is on the table. And Grimmjow did appear so it there could be a reunion.
https://preview.redd.it/c1jz8ihomh0d1.png?width=1012&format=png&auto=webp&s=d34057fd32a87450b9762c701d8a90c37a40438e
If BG9 is indeed Shawlong then I think it's a clue to his Schrift, I think it is K: The Kingmaker. I think it will connect to making Grimmjow his king and sacrificing a portion of himself so Grimmjow could become a Vasto Lorde. Shawlong came to the conclusion he could not become a Vasto Lorde which reminded of White's speech about the difference between a king and his horse. I think it will also connect to hybridization. Aizen researched hybridization and created the Hogyoku to become the new Soul King. I think it's a support type ability that empowers others.
https://preview.redd.it/go81poqpmh0d1.png?width=556&format=png&auto=webp&s=accdd89b320f6c77b964dd125271f3b8e3d7eaf1
I think Robert's briefcase will come into play, I think it holds Rangiku's Soul King fragment that Aizen stole. I think BG9 and Robert will return it to her fulfilling Gin's goal.
https://preview.redd.it/rlzy3opqmh0d1.png?width=849&format=png&auto=webp&s=bf6adea92a0b9ab4c736c1509b52a726f4ba3f58
Shawlong was the first Arrancar created with the Hogyoku. I think he bonded with Rangiku's Soul King fragment during the transformation. I think Pernida removed the fragment from him when she recovered him. I'm guessing Pernida was overtaken before she could make use it so gave it to Robert for safekeeping.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years, we started off as friends with benefits but slowly developed feelings for each other the first year everything was great good morning texts, both of us showing we deeply care for one another, buying presents, etc. but this past year he’s been acting strange and kinda distant I’ve only been seeing him once or twice a month. Whenever I’d go over there he’d just be on the phone with co workers or on YouTube when we used to watch movies together, just talk about life and goals, and interests or walk down to the store but it all just stopped no more good morning texts, he didn’t wanna go eat anywhere, he didn’t wanna go do anything he just wanted to stay in the house which I understand when you work all the time so I just did whatever he wanted to do so I got to spend some time with him. 

Once I realized I was investing too much energy into everything I started to pull away and become less available there wasn’t much change for awhile when all of a sudden he started becoming more clingy and wanting to spend more time together so I did but it still wasn’t the same as it used to be I’d just be sitting there while he was on his phone the whole time and we’d go to bed without cuddling or anything so I started saying I couldn’t hang out or give him a ride home and coming up with excuses for stuff because he really didn’t seem to show much interest in me besides wanting me to hang out for a night or give him a ride home.
Then about three or four months ago I started to do digging in his social media because I’ve learned my lesson from searching through their phones from past relationships but I was curious and had a suspicion that I’d find something showing me why he’s been so distant, that’s when I saw he was liking a bunch pictures of girls basically in lingerie and just random pictures when he doesn’t even like my pictures, that’s when I pulled away completely a couple months go by we saw each other 2 to 3 times in that span and then this all started coming to light.
About six months ago my boyfriend was flirting and spending alone time with a coworker (24F) without my knowledge (I should mention he’s her boss) and this just recently came to light about 3 weeks ago. He admitted that he received a pay cut over it and her boyfriend also just recently found out about it because a fake Facebook messaged him with all the information about it (which led to me finding out about everything because my boyfriend accused me of writing that to her boyfriend, even though I had zero knowledge of the whole situation) which led to her boyfriend destroying her house. I don’t understand why he didn’t question his coworker first and immediately assumed it was me and accused me. It just seems like something more happened than he’s leading me to believe and I don’t even know what to do or even believe at this point.
Six months ago he bawled his eyes out to me over this situation but never mentioned a pay cut or any alone time or flirting, he made it seem as though he was just losing a friend so I comforted him and kept my feelings in about how upset he was. I haven’t talked to him in about a week and a half but he’s messaged my phone everyday to tell me about how he’s thinking of me and loves me. Im just not sure how I’m supposed to trust him again after this especially since work is the only other place he goes. How would you react to this? And what would you say to him?

So been thinking about the framing of the show and how Valentino is directed/written as more of domestic abuser rather than someone who pimps. His relationship with Angel is shown to be more similar to how a relationship would devolve into abuse rather than how a pimp would treat his ‘stable’. (Angels signature on the contract doesn’t look forced or anything. There’s even a heart on the side of his name😭 lik boy)
I recently finished a book about pimping written by someone who heavily influenced it based on the pimp Iceberg Slim. (A real pimp-I plan to read his book as well) (kinda got me invested in learning more about pimps)
And because the show never explores Val doing business and interacting with his other prostitutes when he singles Angel out it ends up feeling more personal for whatever reason. Is this not just business? What’s Angel and Val’s relationship beyond business? Is there one? Was there?
I’m sure every other soul under his contract would be treated the same yet it’s framed as though Angel is his main priority and focus. Val feels lik he’s written as an abuser first and a pimp as an afterthought - Pimps aren’t just there to keep his ‘girls’ in line. That’s part of the job but a small part especially if they’re in hell where this is legal so he doesn’t hav to worry about the police and can do more in terms of company growth.
On the YouTube channel Soft White Underbelly there’s various interviews of pimps and they’ll discuss who they r and what they did. They’re all very serious people yet Val is only taken seriously in the show when he’s violent.