this might be a lot and not the place for this but someone bear with me (22m) please ;_; was talking to my family about my experiences with magic mushrooms, and my grandfather (mom’s side) said something like “be careful, my brother had a schizophrenic episode after taking lsd- we found him rambling about the molecule and he had poorly drawn out a picture of the molecule on the ground.” but i don’t think there’s ever been a conversation about him having schizophrenia? anyway then he went on to ramble about the “this is your brain on drugs”/scrambled eggs commercials that would come on tv a long time ago. and given our family histories which i will elaborate on, i feel like this is a conversation that should have happened much sooner?? or maybe he was just talking out of his ass idk lmao
mental illness seems to run in the family on both sides with alcoholism being pretty prevalent in a lot of both my mom and dad’s relatives. my dad’s brother killed himself with a gun when they were in highschool and my dad found the body. ultimately he became a pretty abusive alcoholic, and he was really prone to mood swings looking back at it. I was put in therapy after my mom divorced him but we never really talked as a family. my older sister inherited his hip deformity that made him unfit for the catholic high school his brothers all went to, and a virus that caused her to have emergency surgery at birth (which left her deaf in both ears, and she stands 4’7” at 25 years old) he picked on her and our older brother a lot, and we all struggle socially. My brother kept to himself a lot until he died at 19 in a freak car accident on a road trip with his friends. Guy with dementia snuck out and got in a car with his dog at like 2am, took an exit ramp onto the highway going the wrong way right as they took the same one, spun out and all then all lights went out, so they got rear ended by a tractor trailer. that model of jeep had a defect where the trailer hitch would break and push in to the gas tank, causing an explosion. happened a couple times prior and was actually almost recalled years before (-: trucking company policy was call your superiors before anyone else, phone records reflected that phone call did in fact happen while those kids were burning to death. i dont blame that poor driver knowing what little i know about trucking and their work conditions, and i got half of a music degree paid for by my share of the settlement. i’ve always felt like that would not have happened if these were not several upper middle class suburban families who were affected by the tragedy, who could afford to pursue legal action for years against an entity like that. I think the community rallied to donate some but even then, it was a fairly affluent community
the last time i saw my dad was at my brothers funeral. i was 14 and it had been a couple years already, but he aged so poorly much i mistook him for his dad who had died a decade prior. i don’t think we spoke until a few years later on the phone, and it was the last time we spoke. he was antagonizing my mom with his usual nonsense that she was making him out to seem like a bad guy to us, and that she was secretly in love with her cousin (who she has always been very close to) — i told him to go fuck himself — that was a reccuring taunt of his our whole childhood, which i always thought was weird but never thought much of it. eventually my brother no longer wanted to visit my mom’s extended family once he had a say in it, and he never really wanted to talk about it either. a few years after my brother died, we were visiting the cousin in question, when i woke up just in time to see them kiss. I went back to sleep like I saw nothing and my sister texted me in the morning telling me she saw the same thing.
Apart from the yknow, incest, she remarried two years before my brother died- so naturally we confronted her about it and she just sort of fawned and said she had too much to drink and that it won’t happen again. they always get too drunk together at family events and I have glimpsed kissy face emojis and other suggestive language on her phone that she obviously was trying to shield with her hands.
Now I’m questioning pretty much everything. I don’t think it was long after that when my dad went missing, which my mom only noticed because he hadn’t sent birthday cards for a whole year, and within a year of that he was found in florida, dead on the street with fentanylin his blood. he was either dosed or killed himself. My family told me he died of natural causes accelerated by his alcoholism when it first happened and didn’t mention the fentanyl until very recently. Im wondering what else could they have they lied about or just have not told me because they don’t think I need to know?
One thing I try not to think too much about is something my mom said just once when I was little, about how when my sister was born the Doctors advised them not to have more kids bc it would be risky, “but I turned out fine” or something. My dad never came to visit our family on my mom’s side that i can remember, and when I was really little we spent a lot more time with her cousin doing a lot of quality time stuff; movies, mini golf, etc. The guy also drank a lot but he’s had better luck kicking the worst of his habits I guess.
JFC what do i make of all of this
….
i also sometimes feel like i’m getting schizo-baited by all of my targeted adds and articles on all of social media and sometimes i feel like im being watched so i don’t go anywhere or talk to my friends much at all. i went to a protest the other day and saw the typical undercover cop in his “hello fellow kids” getup, next day I step out of work to go to a coffee shop and the same dude in the same outfit is sitting next to the door when i go to leave. anyway please advise

For context, nasa isang malaking circle of friends ako before; around 8-9 members yung circle na yon. Hindi lang isang reason yung mayroon ako kung bakit ako nagdecide na i-cut off sila. I have many and it all piled up.
One reason is that parang nabubuhay lang minsan yung group chat namin dati kapag may ibabash na kaklase. Nung una, sinasabayan ko pa sila sa mga sinasabi nila sa mga ibang kaklase namin kasi may mga valid reason naman yung inis namin. But eventually, it got really toxic na. Yung mga sinasabi nila, wala ng context at purely pangbabash na lang. Pakiramdam ko, ayon na lang yung foundation ng friendship and the negative energy gradually eats me up.
Pangalawa, may isang instance na sobrang naturn off ako sa kanila. Nilabas na kasi yung result ng isang exam namin sa cinoconsider naming pinakamahirap na subject that time. Nagtanungan kami ng score and then nung sinabi nung isa naming kaibigan yung score niya (almost perfect siya), narinig ko pag-alis niya na nag-usap yung dalawa pang nasa circle. To make it short, parang they’re questioning how that friend of ours got higher scores than them. Sobra akong na-off kasi diba dapat, kung talagang totoong kaibigan ka, proud ka sa kaibigan mo at hindi gano’n ang una mong reaction.
Pangatlo, kapag may friend na hindi nakakasama sa gathering ay tinatopic nila paminsan. Nafigure out ko yon kasi ilang beses ko na na-encounter na kapag wala yung isa or kung sino mang wala samin sa mga gala, yun yung pinag-uusapan. So I immediately thought na kung ako minsan yung wala, for sure ako yung topic.
Pang-apat, pakiramdam ko ay hindi same yung energy na narereceive ko over sa binibigay ko. For example, sa mga birthday nila, lagi akong nagsstory ng pictures namin with greetings. Pero never nilang ginawa yon sakin (pero ginagawa nila sa isa’t isa). Kung babati pa nga sila, minsan late na. I know, for some of you it may sound petty or even think na hindi naman nila ako pinilit gawin yung efforts ko, pero it hurts me deep inside na hindi mareciprocate.
And lastly, when I was still with them, I feel like I always have to please them sa decisions ko kasi kung hindi, I’ll hear them tell me na ang bobo or ang tanga ko. When I was with them, I feel suffocated. I never got to choose the decisions that would actually make me happy.
Don’t get me wrong. I was happy naman when they’re still my friends and we shared a lot of great memories. It’s just that, I don’t feel safe, seen, heard, and understood anymore.
ABYG kung bigla na lang ako unti unting umiwas sa kanila until eventually, tuluyan ko na silang cinut off?

Hi there,
Our company is using VMWare Horizon Clients to access our virtualized windows desktops.
When working from home, I'm the only one using MacOS as the host and hence our IT-department is not able to help me out on this topic.
Obviously I searched the internet but cannot find any solution to the below issue.
Normally, when using the US International Keyboard, I'm able to use "dead keys" to get characters like é and ü etc.
I'm also able to use single and double quotes like this ' ".
This is now typed on my MacOS host system.
However, when I try to do the same in the Windows guest, those keys do not seem to work and I also cannot use the single / double quotes to emphasize strings.
This happens on both the MacBook internal Keyboard as well as the external keyboard.
Here's some system information:

• Host
  • MacOS Sonomo 14.4.1
  • VMWare Horizon Client
    • Version 2312.2
    • Build 8.12.2
  • Configured Keyboard: US International
• Guest
  • Windows 10 Pro

Be aware that when running this on our office thin clients with related Windows VMWare Horizon Client, I can properly use all those dead keys!

I will update with the office VMWare Horizon Client version tomorrow (when I'm at work).
Because of the normal operation on windows / windows, I'm suspecting a MacOS Configuration issue.
Any thoughts on how to fix this for my MacOS host?
Regards, Rob.

I grew up pretty standard 2 parents and all 4 grandparents and only 1 brother (I’ll get back to that) in the very early 2000s. I used to think my life wasn’t all bad until I grew up without my mom for a good portion of my life due to drug addiction, and only being told awful things which were kinda true by my emotionally (and with my dad literally not dead just worked a fuck ton) unavailable dad and his side of the family (at 3 years old), they never knew how to deal with or show emotions really at all only threaten me (mostly as my brother was the “perfect” child) with soap in the mouth, a wooden spoon, to “stop crying or else” or their favourite lI’ll give you something to cry about” or one I heard way to much “stop crying it’ll make you sick” all of these were a given in my grandparents house. Until I finally moved in with my parents at the age of 7 (4 years with my grandparents) but I would occasionally see my mom around as she would be at my nan’s (mom’s mom), and my parents would always fight a lot to which my dad around that time gained full custody of me and my brother, we had no idea as we were separated from our mom a bit more unless he was home (probably should’ve started with that oops) but whenever we would be a “proper” (heavy emphasis and big quotes around proper) family it always devolved into them yelling about money and some shit, and it all came to a head with our parents splitting up once before in 2007 my mom had brought 3 guys to my nan’s house with me there within this time period of 2007-09 1. Was a chill fun guy who’s been dead for about if my memory is right 16? Years now give it take 2. Guy was a fine enough guy never talked to or seen him much but the third guy was a real piece of work, on the surface he was a smooth talking Italian guy with a pretty thick accent once alone he’d peel back that layer, and show his true self a very mean evil fuck who abused i have no idea how many women but he choked my mom a lot when we were sleeping and one time I stayed up a bit later because it was a weekend and I could hear my mom it sounded like struggling, so I go out there as an 8 year old to find him on top of my mom basically strangling her so I rushed in pushed him away from her and said “stay the fuck away from my mom” (I heard swearing a lot and my dad let me at the time) but also he was like 30 something being pushed and shoved around by a tiny 8 year old. But after that we went to live with my dad and my mom after that she kept going back farther into her drug addiction around 2010-12 the big problem with juggling being moved from 4 different places and school was taxing on my childhood brain (4 places being my parents, grandparents, aunts and nan’s) and getting no therapy because not many in my family really cares about mental illness. (Told you I’d get back to it) so the big 2012 incident was me and my brother playing halo in his room after school only to hear our mom bust through the front door and me and him have been playing for a few hours at this point, then we hear our mom screaming and throwing stuff at our dad something about him sending money to a secret 3rd child he might have had during our moms rehab. Nobody acknowledges him as as apart of our family and dad won’t get the tests done to see if he is his and this for most of our grandparents involved to try save us and de-escalate the situation and according to my mom she would “sneak around the houses at night to see us and dad” because we would “freak out” if we saw her, which just sounds like a child missing a mother if you ask me the fully grown adult so yeah, and my high school life was pretty uneventful as it was pretty standard. TL:DR I got a pretty bad hand dealt in the life category and just now processing and trying to deal with it all now as an adult. (I just finally asked my mom for therapy or counselling a month ago to which she told me “I’m not broken”when I tried to open up to her about my thought process and why I think I need therapy) oh I never talked about my brother he was a pretty typical bullying me a lot and shooting me with BB and pellet guns but the worst is him shoving me in a dog crate at the age of 5 and pushing me down my grandparents flight of stairs. Oh and my grandpa on my moms side he was more absent then she was only popping up if he was required to work up there or birthdays and Christmas I still don’t know much about him to this day.

This story was written and emailed to me by an anonymous source. And it’s one of the craziest most bizarre stories I’ve ever read. Ever! 😆 Enjoy the read. It’s long and ridiculously wild. ☘️ Also, in advance, no one can use this story. These stories are written and emailed to me for me to turn into a Video Narrative for my YouTube & TikTok channels. But I would like to share their tales as reading material as well. Thank you for understanding.
I hope you enjoy. 🫶
Story by - “Alex” & “Shane”
Okay so…
I went on vacation to Ireland with my brother last year. And had the most wildest experience of my life there.
Or should I say, we both had the most…wildest experience.
But More so me. And to Tell you the truth, I don’t think I’ll ever go back again after what happened.
As a matter of fact, no, I won’t go back.
So, it’s a Sunday night and it was pretty much our last day of vacationing.
My older brother Shane, wanted to go out… And I’m quoting him - “let’s get fuckin wasted tonight!”
So… We’re on vacation right? Why not? We had rented an Airbnb for the week, we had a rental car - we had a great week so far and we were having…
A proper vacation.
He was already dressed up and ready to go. I wanted to take a quick shower and shave so I told him to head out and I’d call him when I was ready for him to pick me up.
He says cool. He leaves, and I jump in the shower. He’s the one that knows the hot spots in Ireland better than I do. I mean, this was my first time ever coming here. So…
I take a shower, shave, and I get dressed. As I’m about to call my brother, the front door to our Airbnb opens up.
And Its my brother with two bad ass Irish women! They both jump on the couch and they’re laughing their asses off and my brother is just standing there looking at me with a sly grin on his face.
He looks over at the ladies and says - “Give me a minute please” walks over to me, puts his arm over my shoulder and walks me to the bathroom. He then whips out a bag of mushrooms and smiles. Ya know… The psychedelic kind.
I look down at the bag and I shake my head.
He says to me - “come on bro. We got two hotties out there who are trippin and they want to party. Don’t be a flake. This is our last night. Let’s make it special.”
I don’t like disappointing my brother but I was kind of hesitant.
I opened the bathroom door and take a look at these gorgeous women who were both sitting upright now and both looking at me as I opened the door. Both smiling. I smiled back. Closed the door… I looked at my brother and said - “Alright dood fuck it! Let’s do it!”
He gives me a huge hug, kisses me on the forehead, pours me a handful of shrooms and does the same for himself.
We both looked at each other to see who would go first. He counted to three and down the hatch they went. But they were the most unpleasant tasting mushrooms I’ve ever eaten in my life. They were disgusting.
I ran to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of juice because I was having a hard time chewing these nasty things.
But my brother Shane? No, he’s a pro. You give that guy a barrel of hay and he’ll eat it faster than a horse. The guy can eat anything.
40 minutes go by and I’m still straight as a pin. However, my brother on the other hand? He’s already trippin.
I think he had already taken some beforehand.
But in the next 10 minutes… These shrooms hit me like a ton of bricks! It was like this intense wave of cool and hot went completely through my body.
And I’ve taken mushrooms quite a few times but have never felt anything like this before. It was so sudden!
And I feel fantastic!
The next hour went by so fast because we were having so much fun! And these Irish girls? Man… I had the sexiest one! A beautiful Redhead by the name of Katrina.
She was kind of short though. About 5’1” maybe? But good things come in small packages, right? Well, not really. And you’ll know why soon enough.
I don’t recall anything else that happened for the rest of the night after my brother left with the other girl. And before I continue with the rest of the story. My brother’s name is really not Shane. And the redhead girl I was with is not named Katrina.
You see I had to make up these names to protect me and my brother. Because what happened during the rest of the night? I don’t remember. But also, I’ll never forget either.
Okay so, let's get back to the story…
I do remember my brother leaving with… Let's just call her Gloria, Katrina’s friend? And me and Katrina, the redhead, stood behind. I do remember us making out in the bathroom together, but…Everything else after that? There’s nothing there. Nothing. I don’t recall anything from that point forward no matter how badly I try to remember.
This is what my brother told me he witnessed as he arrived back at the Airbnb five hours later with Gloria.
And until this day, I still don’t want to believe this happened. But according to my brother…
It truly did happen.
My brother is going to write this part of the story because he’s the one that has this locked in his memory for life. And for the sake of the story, my name will be Alex.
Here is my brother Shane’s point of view - his perspective on what he witnessed that crazy night. Wow man… This is so fucking nuts. So buckle up and be prepared. I understand you don’t know who I am, but I swear, I’m not a bad person. Okay.

• “Shane’s” story on what he witnessed.

Yeah so, I guess I’m Shane now. Unreal…
Okay. Here we go. Meat and potatoes.
We arrive back at the Airbnb and I see Alex outside in the front of the house wearing only socks and he’s running around on top of the grass like an animal yanking out handfuls of grass from underneath him.
I look at Gloria and we’re both baffled at what we just saw.
First thing I said was - “Oh yeah! This dood is off his rocker right about now - as I parked the car.
We both hop out of the car and walk up to the front door. I slide the key into the door, it unlocks, but there’s a chair behind the door and it’s tipped over blocking the entry way and only leaving enough space for a crack. We both awkwardly look at one another and as I’m about to call out for my brother, I hear someone sprinting towards the door and bang!
The fuckin idiot shuts the door on us.
I then knock on the door softly because It’s almost 1 in the morning as I don’t want to make too much noise. God only knows what this kid has been doing since me and Gloria left.
After I knock on the door a few times, I hear the chair getting pushed to the side and my brother slightly opens the door. I take a peek inside, and his nose is broken, lips are bubbled up and his left eye is completely shut, black and blue and swollen.
He then drops to his knees, and begins crying but no sound is coming out of him! You know… Like when you get smacked by your parents when you’re a kid and it shocks the soul of you? Yeah, that kind of cry.
I don’t react to what he’s doing to not scare the shit out of Gloria, because she’s right beside me. So I push the door open and tell Gloria to hang on a second and shut the door and lock it.
I pick his busted ass up and sit him on the couch. I look around the house and it’s in complete shambles. Our clothes are everywhere, there’s food all over the fuckin walls. It was chaotic. And my brother is now sitting up breathing frantically.
I ask him - “what in the fuck happened?”
He looks at me. Face looking like he got into a boxing match with Rocky Marciano and whispers to me.
“Dood… There’s a leprechaun in the bathroom.”
“A fuckin what now?” - I said with the most bewildered look on my face. I mean I must have… I wish I would have taken a picture of my face at that very moment. I should have taken pictures of everything so this idiot could see the havoc he wreaked on that night.
My imbecile brother continues - “I’m telling you. There’s a fuckin leprechaun in the fuckin bathroom and this little lucky charms motherfucker won’t tell me where he hid the gold!”
“A leprechaun in the bathroom. What the fuck happened to you?” I said as I felt my blood beginning to boil.
The Imbecile then says - “Don’t worry. Don’t worry! I hogtied that little bitch and stuffed my underwear in its mouth. It’s in the bathtub. But don’t go in there. Don’t go in there. This thing fucked me up!”
And now I can hear someone fumbling in the bathroom moaning very softly. I looked at my brother and said - “What in the fuck did you do Alex?”
He replies - “I’m telling you. It’s a fucking leprechaun.”
“Okay. Okay.” - I said. “Stay right here and just, don’t move. Don’t do anything. Just keep still.
His eyes were so huge and dilated. He was so fuckin high. He had heartbeat pulses pumping from the top of his head.
I rushed back over to the front door and told Gloria that my brother got into a fight with a couple of guys at a pub while me and her were out and that her friend Katrina left because she got scared. She told me that was the first time she met that girl tonight so she really didn’t care and shrugged it off. Which was a huge relief to me. I told her thank you for a wonderful night. She understood. W said our goodbyes. I shut the door. And now… What the fuck is in the bathroom? Or better yet, who, is in the bathroom? Because let’s face it. This motherfucker did not find and fight with a leprechaun tonight. No way. There’s just no fuckin way.
I rush over to the bathroom and my brother leaps at my legs, and he’s holding onto me for dear life, begging me!
He says - “Please don’t untie it! It’s got magical powers! PLEASE!!!
Now, at this very moment? I am sort of hesitant about opening the bathroom door. But I snap out of it and open it. What the fuck. A leprechaun? No, I don’t think so.
I open the door…
“Holy shit.” - I said while covering my hands with my mouth. The floor was smeared in blood as if someone was dragged, leading to the huge cast iron tub. Smeared bloody handprints were all over the tub. And now I hear the faint moan coming from the tub. My legs are shaking and feel like they’re ready to give out on me. I was scared shitless.
“What did my brother do? Who is in that bathtub? I pray to God Katrina isn’t in there right now.” - I said to myself completely freaked out.
I slowly walk up to the bathtub…
And sure enough, there is a hogtied person lying in it with my brother's underwear stuffed in their mouth with a ripped t-shirt tied around their head and mouth, but… It’s not Katrina.
It’s a little person. You know, a dwarf? And… He’s literally dressed up in a leprechaun costume…
And how, on God's green earth did he end up here?
He has no idea I’m standing above him. I reach down to begin untying him but he begins squirming and screaming. I told him to relax and that I was here to help him.
And then My imbecile brother Alex, rushes into the bathroom and tackles me down. Stands up and begins shouting at this poor bastard hogtied in the tub - “Tell me where it is you greedy little fuck! Tell me!!!
I jumped to my feet and slapped my brother back to his childhood. Grabbed him by the throat, tripped him and threw him to the ground and said - “are you fuckin crazy? Do you want to go to prison for kidnapping? What in the fuck is the matter with you? You dumb fuck!!”
He then looks up at me with this pessimistic look on his face and says - “It’s a fucking leprechaun dood. A leprechaun.”
I was absolutely dumbfounded and furious at this point. I have this stranger in my Airbnb rental, hogtied and gagged and squirming and screaming and my brother thinks that he’s a leprechaun…
I can’t make this shit up.
He was so fucking high on those mushrooms. He was absolutely convinced that this man was a leprechaun. So… I had to play the game.
It was the only way to help this poor son of a bitch that my brother had kidnapped and hogtied in our Airbnb rental.
I calmly whispered and told him to please leave the bathroom so I could interrogate the leprechaun and find out where he was hiding the pot of gold.
My brother slowly stood up to his feet, face busted up, his cock and balls all shriveled and tight, looked at the man dressed up as a leprechaun, smiled at him with an evil grin and just, walked away…
And as he walked away, I told him to go and please put some clothes on, lay down in bed, and that I would handle the leprechaun. That I, would find out where the gold was hidden…
And that’s all I’m saying. I’m giving the computer back to my dumbass of a brother to finish off whatever else he wants to write.

• Back to “Alex”

Pretty outlandish right? I know. I know. You must think that I’m bat shit crazy huh? Okay so, to make the rest of this long story short, my brother Shane never told me what he did with the poor guy I hogtied and, well… i don’t remember how this guy came to be in my possession. I really don’t.
The only thing my brother Shane told me was that he ungagged him, untied him, and that he was extremely pissed off. And that he had compensated him for his troubles.
Man, I felt so horrible. I felt so horrible…
What I do remember though is waking up that following afternoon with my face all fucked up. Dehydrated with a tremendous splitting headache. I had no clue as to why I looked and felt the way I did. It was terrifying.
All of our luggage was packed and my brother was just sitting there, legs crossed and his arms folded.
Hey man… Take it from me. Don’t do fuckin drugs.
Regards, “Alex” & “Shane”
Disclaimer- This story may not be used for anything other than reading, sharing your thoughts and enjoying it. It is now protected by the United States Library of Congress/Copyright Office. Thank you. ☘️

i turn 20 soon and i’ve been alone for my entire life. i haven’t celebrated my birthday for 8 years purely because i have no one to celebrate with. the idea of spending yet another birthday alone just adds to my beliefs that id be so much better off dead. i’ve tried to get used to being alone but it just doesn’t work.
when i was a child, i never really had any friends, apart from people id just sort of follow around at school and my mom tells me that she remembers me standing watching other kids play because i was too scared to join in. i stopped going to school when i was 13 because i couldn’t cope with a social environment and ive just wasted all my teenage years socially isolating myself. when i was 15, i had a few online friends but there’s been none since then. i haven’t really been around anyone my age, apart from occasionally seeing my sister’s friends who are all 2/3 years younger than me but im so awkward that i can’t even socialise with them properly. a year ago, i downloaded dating apps, despite not even wanting a relationship and i ended up being in a relationship with an abusive narcissist for 9 months. he broke up with me so now im alone again and it’s driving me insane. my parents tell me that i need to just go out instead of lying around in the house all day but i have no one to do anything with and my social skills are severely delayed so id look like a lost child if i went out alone. i’ve tried arranging things with my sister and cousin but they aren’t interested at all and it makes me hate myself even more because i feel like i have to beg people to do things with me.
i thought that it would get better as i get older but it’s the complete opposite. i’ve been trying so so hard to convince myself that life is worth living but deep down i know that it’s not. im giving myself until my birthday and if nothing improves then i am done trying.

I am impossible to comfort or console. I’m inaccessible, unreachable, and nothing helps. My online friends try and they can’t do anything so they just have to either deal with me self isolating or being too depressed (or busy having a meltdown) to really talk and hang out with them. I don’t play the video games they do, they’ve tried to get me into them and I end up walking away from my computer because I’m immediately bored and I just let myself disconnect. They can’t offer ideas like for me to drink some tea and to breathe or to have a favourite snack because I don’t like tea and I don’t like 90% of the food pyramid. They hate that they can’t help me because I’ve comforted them before in the past, not recently of course, but I’ve reassured them, listened to them, gotten them to drink water or have their favourite comfort food and come down from meltdowns when their sky was falling… but none of that I do for them, works for me when they try it.
I have never felt comforted by anyone. When I was a small kid (ages 4-9) if I was upset, I had no one to go to for a hug or anything (not that physical contact didn’t make me panic). And usually most times I was upset as a kid, it was most likely because I’d gotten in trouble for something and dad beat me and locked me in my room. If I was still upset and crying when he apologised, I got screamed er some more and beat some more and then locked in the room for even longer until I was ‘over my shit’.
Pre-K, if I was upset and crying and didn’t immediately stop crying because they said to, I got yelled at and sent to the corner. Usually for the entire school week.
I was never comforted after. I was never consoled after. I just got yelled at and then the pre-k teacher would lie to my dad and say I stuck my tongue out at her, accused me of calling her a dummy (scandalous), etc… and then I’d get beaten at home wooooooo for not being able to ‘behave for a couple hours’ and I was gonna make the school call child protective services.
Idk if this is why I can’t be comforted by anyone… but what am I supposed to do? My friends can’t help me. How do I help me?
I don’t have any hobbies I really care about (as a kid my hobbies were staring at the wall and playing out a really messed up plot line with my toys (when I had toys, they got thrown out when I was 11). It’s hard for me to be engaged in things, I’m always in my head and nothing is enough to distract me or keep me busy. I’m not sure how I can comfort myself since my friend’s can’t as hard as they try.
TW// CSA & suicide.
The story I’d play out was a birthday party. Everyone brought gifts for the birthday girl and everyone had so much fun. They’d play with the ‘toys’ together, on the ‘playground’ and they’d all eat giant sized play food… and then the nonce shows up and his gift is the gift of trauma (he SA’s the birthday girl, aka my stand-in) and he’s beaten up by everyone. He gets arrested and he’s so sad that everyone hates him that he hangs himself. After he does that, everyone loves him again and they feel so sad that he ‘felt like he had to take his life’ and they immediately turn on the birthday girl, they beat her up, arrest her because how dare she? It’s her fault that a man is dead… if she hadnt been born, that man would still be alive. And scene. And I just played that storyline every single time I played with and I was always so afraid dad would find out and he’d accuse me of being a pervert or something.

I know this is silly and it's not really anything interesting, but I read a post about a young dad who takes his kids for a "daddy walk" one on one and let's the kids talk about whatever is on their mind while they listen. And when I read that I just thought about how different my brother's life could have been if my dad had done this. If my dad had just LISTENED to him for once in his damn life and tried to understand him, tried to get in his shoes and understand what it was like to be him, my brother could be living a much happier life right now. My 32 year old brother is chronically depressed, unemployed, single, overweight, and still lives with my parents. He barely leaves his room. He talks to my mum but only about superficial things like movies, and he doesn't talk to my dad at all. I've tried to get him to open up about his depression but he shuts me down and changes the topic every time. I feel so helpless and also really worried that he might be at risk of suicide. If my dad (and my mum, to a certain extent) had really taken the time to get to know my brother they would have realised he was being bullied a lot sooner. They would have realised he had depression about 15 years sooner, and started therapy before it got this bad. He would have learnt how to talk about his feelings and not be ashamed of them. He would have learnt to be ok with crying in front of other people. I just can't help but feel so sad for the life my brother could be living right now. That post triggered a lot of memories and feelings.

So I followed Viva New Vegas (mostly), and then decided to add a whole bunch of mods on top of it. I've been modding for over a decade so I thought I could work it out, but no. It runs fine for the entire introduction at Doc Mitchell's, but as soon as I go outside, it runs for only a few minutes before either crashing or freezing. And it crashes as soon as I enter the Prospector Saloon too. I've tried disabling mods, re-installing mods, altering the load order, removing LODs, tried outdated versions of mods but I just can't figure out what's going on. Here is my load order:

1. FalloutNV.esm
2. DeadMoney.esm
3. HonestHearts.esm
4. OldWorldBlues.esm
5. LonesomeRoad.esm
6. GunRunnersArsenal.esm
7. ClassicPack.esm
8. MercenaryPack.esm
9. TribalPack.esm
10. CaravanPack.esm
11. YUP - Base Game + All DLC.esm
12. NavmeshOverhaul.esm
13. oHUD.esm
14. New Vegas Landscape Overhaul.esm
15. Simple Open Freeside.esm
16. TGMIO.esm
17. Functional Post Game Ending.esm
18. IWR.esm
19. Landscape Texture Improvements.esm
20. VICE.esm
21. MoreMojave.esm
22. Vanilla Enhancements.esm
23. Landscape Texture Improvements - NVLORR Patch.esm
24. TLD_Travelers.esm
25. Military Explansion Program.esm
26. Simple Open Strip.esm
27. HiddenValleyOverhauled.esm
28. vault22FloralOverhaul.esm
29. fixy crap ue.esp
30. JIP Selective-Fire.esm
31. Mojave Wildlife (Vanilla-Style).esp
32. Better Brotherhood.esm
33. Landscape Texture Improvements - YUP Patch.esm
34. Mojave Raiders.esm
35. CompanionInfAmmo.esm
36. Walking_Inertia.esm
37. Bad Touch.esm
38. Freeside Overhaul - Episode I.esp
39. Tess.esp
40. Functional Post Game Ending - YUP Patch.esm
41. Tammer's NIF-Bashed Armor Mega-Pack.esm
42. NVInteriors_Core.esm
43. NVInteriors_ComboEdition.esm
44. Freeside Overhaul - Episode I - Simple Open Freeside Patch.esp
45. Unofficial Patch NVSE Plus.esp
46. YUP - NPC Fixes (Base Game + All DLC).esp
47. Crafting Consistency Fix.esp
48. Uncut Wasteland.esp
49. Uncut Extra Collection.esp
50. NVMIM.esp
51. The Mod Configuration Menu.esp
52. The Weapon Mod Menu.esp
53. FOVSlider.esp
54. PerkEveryLevel.esp
55. JIP Improved Recipe Menu.esp
56. EnhancedMojaveLandscapes.esp
57. ExRB.esp
58. SSTRemasteredQuarries.esp
59. Logic and Consistency Fixes.esp
60. Less Empty Nellis.esp
61. Little More Lamplight.esp
62. Impostors and LOD Flicker Fix.esp
63. DLC Enhancements.esp
64. Mojave Raiders.esp
65. Windows of the Mojave v1.2.1.esp
66. Clarity.esp
67. DNWeathers.esp
68. IWR - Rebuilt.esp
69. ArizonaArmy.esp
70. T4-plugin.esp
71. NVLORR-MM Patch.esp
72. Convenient Fast Travel Markers.esp
73. TrooperOverhaul-Dragbody.esp
74. EVE FNV - ALL DLC.esp
75. IMPACT.esp
76. Realism Redux.esp
77. AfterglowNeonIllumination.esp
78. QSupplementaryWeaponPack.esp
79. Misc Content Restoration.esp
80. GRA Scavenger Hunt Balanced NVSE.esp
81. NCRTrooperOverhaul.esp
82. Pre-Order Packs Scattered.esp
83. CompanionInfAmmoOptional.esp
84. ALT-TLD.esp
85. ALT-YUP.esp
86. JustLootMenu.esp
87. BrighterPipboyLight.esp
88. JustHitMarker.esp
89. JustHitIndicator.esp
90. JustHoldBreath.esp
91. JustWeaponHweel.esp
92. JustVanillaSprint.esp
93. Just Sprint Plus - JVS.esp
94. 360Movement.esp
95. NPC Arm Pipboy 2000mkVI or 2500.esp
96. HairPatcher.esp
97. Explosive Sounds Overhaul.esp
98. ArmedToTheTeethNV-Redux.esp
99. Mannequin Rce.esp
100. zz_Sunglasses.esp
101. zzProjectWig.esp
102. VK_NevadaCowgirl.esp
103. zzNPCS.esp
104. Diagonal movement.esp
105. 360Movement - Diagonal movement Patch.esp
106. Friends With Benefits Perk Pack.esp
107. S6S Base Game Perks Redux.esp
108. S6S Base Game Perks Redux TTW Side.esp
109. S6S Perks.esp
110. TGMIO-Windows of the Mojave Patch.esp
111. Conelrad 640-1240.esp
112. FNV .50MG Payload Rifle.esp
113. Follower Formula Redone.esp
114. FP gun follows crosshairs.esp
115. Immersive Hit Reactions.esp
116. ImmersiveRecoil.esp
117. dD - Enhanced Blood Main NV.esp
118. IRNPC.esp
119. LiveDismember.esp
120. NPCsSprint.esp
121. Portable Tent.esp
122. SunnyCompanion.esp
123. Brotherhood and House Alliance.esp
124. Better Brotherhood - FPGE Patch.esp
125. Better Brotherhood - YUP Patch.esp
126. CompanionInfAmmoCheat.esp
127. DelayDLCRedux.esp
128. DLC Weapon Integration.esp
129. FNV Mini Machine Pistol.esp
130. Groundcover Overhaul.esp
131. Project Reality Footsteps.esp
132. Titans of The New West.esp
133. Titans of The New West - Power Armor Sprint JVS.esp
134. Vanilla UI Plus.esp
135. FNV - Energy Visuals Plus.esp
136. FPS Weapon Lowering.esp
137. Heat Haze.esp
138. Hitstop.esp
139. Strip Lights Region Fix.esp
140. FNVLODGen.esp
141. MuchNeededLOD.esp
142. tmzLODadditions.esp
143. Wasted Mojave Rock LOD.esp

And here is the latest crashlogger file:

Yvile's Bugthesda Ls Logger: Theoretical Degree in Reverse Engineering version 4.5 beta 4 at 2024-05-15 08:43:12.8910278 If this file is empty, then your game didn't crash or something went so wrong even crash logger was useless! :snig: Topmost stack module is NOT ALWAYS the crash reason! Exercise caution when speculating!
Exception C0000417 caught!
Thread: [FNV] Serialized IO Thread
Calltrace: Error initializing symbol store 0x3BDDFEC4 ==> -(°_o)/- (0x10ECB144) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x3BDDFF0C ==> -(°_o)/- (0x10ECB387) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x3BDDFF28 ==> -(°_o)/- (0x10ECB3C0) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x3BDDFF6C ==> -(°_o)/- (0x10AA8511) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x3BDDFF74 ==> -(°_o)/- (0x10AA64E0) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x3BDDFF84 ==> -(°_o)/- (0x866C7BA9) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x3BDDFFDC ==> -(°_o)/- (0x8770BE3B) : (Corrupt stack or heap?) 0x3BDDFFEC ==> -(°_o)/- (0x8770BDBF) : (Corrupt stack or heap?)
Registry: REG VALUE DEREFERENCE INFO eax 0x3BDDFBBC ebp 0x3BDDFEC4 ebx 0xFFFFFFFF ecx 0x00000000 edi 0x00000000 edx 0x00000000 eip 0x00ECB144 esi 0x00000000 esp 0x3BDDFE90
Stack: # VALUE DEREFERENCE INFO 0 0x00ECB144 1 0x00000000 2 0x00000000 3 0x00000000 4 0x00000000 5 0x00000000 6 0x00AA64D0 7 0x00000000 8 0x190FFEA0 0x010A29C0 ==> Unhandled: OEI::IO::IO_Thread 17 0x190FFEA0 0x010A29C0 ==> Unhandled: OEI::IO::IO_Thread 2D 0x190FFEA0 0x010A29C0 ==> Unhandled: OEI::IO::IO_Thread 3B 0x190FFEA0 0x010A29C0 ==> Unhandled: OEI::IO::IO_Thread 3F 0x190FFEA0 0x010A29C0 ==> Unhandled: OEI::IO::IO_Thread 43 0x190FFEA0 0x010A29C0 ==> Unhandled: OEI::IO::IO_Thread 5A 0x190FFEA0 0x010A29C0 ==> Unhandled: OEI::IO::IO_Thread
Memory: MinimumWorkingSetSize: 200.00 KB MaximumWorkingSetSize: 1.35 MB PeakWorkingSetSize: 2.29 GB WorkingSetSize: 2.29 GB QuotaPeakPagedPoolUsage: 1.16 MB QuotaPagedPoolUsage: 1.13 MB QuotaPeakNonPagedPoolUsage: 959.40 KB QuotaNonPagedPoolUsage: 179.53 KB PageFaultCount: 986.43 KB PagefileUsage: 2.37 GB PeakPagefileUsage: 2.37 GB
Module bases:
UNABLE TO IDENTIFY MODULE CONTAINING THE CRASH ADDRESS. This can occur if the crashing instruction is located in the vanilla address space, but it can also occur if there are too many DLLs for us to list, and if the crash occurred in one of their address spaces. Please note that even if the crash occurred in vanilla code, that does not necessarily mean that it is a vanilla problem. The vanilla code may have been supplied bad data or program state as the result of an issue in a loaded DLL.

Does anyone have any idea what could be causing this? Or should I do a clean reinstall and play it safer next time?

For a bit of back story, my older sister hasnt really been a part of the family. She has been in boarding schools from middle school till uni and only stays a while to visit. I guess this whole family concept is new to her. She used to be the best older sister. I would always brag to my friends about how preety and smart she is even though ive had some horrible experiences with her. She recently graduated uni and is back at home she is looking for a scolarship in Tokyo for her master's ( that I really hope she gets)
My little sister is really wise and calm for an 11 year old but she also has her complaints about her. My older sister tends to ignore people and then pretend to be nice, valuable or a 'saviour' by baking, cooking and cleaning around. She also pretends to be this really smart person and interrupts laughs or makes rude remarks when trying to prove your point in a debate. I have ADHD which is frustrating for my clean freak little sister that i share a room with as i tend to forget things she asked me to do or leave random things all over the room jumping from task to task. My sister and I always bicker but end up making up and I truly put in effort to keep the room clean. On one of these bickering moments my oldersister came into the room and imediatly took her side and ignored anything i had to say and would directly talk to her like im not in the room "Dont worry just ignore her, we all know she doesnt care about anyone" which makes completly no sense at all but whatever.
Im really smart and everyone knows that biology is a subject I'm good at so when my mum was talking about something and i was explaining it to her from a biological stand I was confused to see her mocking and laughing at me and looking at my little sister who was just as stunned as I was. We got into a debate about whether smoking causes cancer or not and i said that it doesnt but has a correlation to which she indirectly said that I'm 'young and stupid' and we aren't here to argue 'semantics' She then went on to use 'big words' in hopes to make me feel dumb but failed terribly. she asked me if i knew what a certain chemical compound was and when I said no she just went completely out of control with her rude attitude and when i confronted her, she just said that "being rude is the only thing that works with me" I, later on, asked my dad who has a high IQ and is super good at all sciences what that compound is and he had no Idea.
My mom recently bought everyone chocolate. I kept mine in my bag but decided to keep it in the fridge a couple days later. both my sisters had eatten their bars so i was surprised to see that my bar was also missing. Im not a fan of the brand and would have let her eat it if she had asked me. I asked my younger sister if she ate it and she said no, my parents dont like sugar which only leaves her in the home. I found out later that she told my mum I ate mine and some of hers, she is really good at manipulating my mother. I also saw her take my earbuds and use them, I asked her if those were mine to which she replied "I dont know what ur talking about" and then put them on and blasted music. I told her I would appreciate if she asked before using my stuff to which she replied "I dont know what ur talking about" and smirked
The next day I took a chocolate she had gotten for herself and hid it. When she asked me where it was i told her i dint know what she was talking about to which she responded to saying stuff under her breath. He had had a physical fight when i was around 13 and she did some damage there but knew not to mess with me now as im bigger and stronger than she is. she complained to our mum saying that money should be deducted from my pockets. I let her believe i ate her chocolate for an hour to let her know how i feel about her taking my things without my permission then i placed her chocolate on the kitchen counter and accidentally knocked yogurt she put in the freezer and promptly cleaned it up. she saw the spilled yogurt and was jeering at me and flinging all sorts of insults. I didn't care and camly cleaned up the mess. I guess she saw the chocolate because its missing from the counter and people in this house dont just take things that dont belong to them.
I'm starting to seriously not like my sister and I dont know what to do about it. she's not all bad but for a 22-year-old.. this is completely unacceptable. there was a time she decided to go vegan and would call the food in the fridge a "grave yard" when i tried to fry an egg she made a disgusted face and called it "chicken period" she also called any kind of meat "corpses" Im guessing she has grown a little from then but ill never forget that easter break she came over. If you ask her about this she will tell you that she would never say 'such a thing' and that 'the human brain creates false memories' and so thats what i must be going through.
I dont want to dislike her because she is family and i have alot of good memories with her but I also will not tolerate nonsense. AITAH for not liking my sister? or hiding her chocolate? I feel bad "playing God" and making her learn a lesson.

First Prev [Next]

Chapter 15: For What You’ve Tamed
“We’ve come a long way, Vikri. Let’s finish your story,” Rayner said as he sat down in the same chair, crossing his legs in the same way.; small consistencies that made the task of talking about my past seem a little more routine. “I understand you lost someone important to you that day.”
I shifted slightly where I sat. “Yeah,” I answered coarsely. I grabbed at the poncho hanging over my shoulders. I remembered what it felt like in my dreams. Radiant warmth always seemed to emanate from it. Not necessarily the poncho itself, but Tenga’s memory. I realized that as long as I had those, then he was still here in a way. I’d much rather have him here than his memory though.
Rayner nodded. “I know what that’s like,” he said in a near whisper.
I shook my head. “It’s not just that I lost him. I…I failed,” I rasped. “I could’ve saved him. Maybe if I’d gone back I could’ve gotten the equipment before the fire did. I was too afraid.”
Rayner nodded slowly. “And now you feel responsible.”
I remained silent as I clutched my tail on the couch beside me. Rayner already knew the answer. He pursed his lips. “Yeah…I know exactly how that feels.”
I looked up at him. For the first time, his eyes weren’t on me, but on the adjacent wall as he seemed to ponder something. “You think about all the things you could have done differently. Things that are so obvious in hindsight,” he sighed and adjusted his glasses. “If only it were that clear in the moment.” He looked up at me, clasping his hands together. “So walk me through what happened.”
I could still vividly remember the moment Tenga got shot. Everything happened in the blink of an eye. So quickly in fact, that it even took Tenga a moment to realize there was a hole in his torso. Minutes of continuous tension shattered with a hail of gunfire lasting less than a second. The echoes continued to howl through the mountains long after the bodies met the snow. My friend was fatally wounded, the snow around him dyed bright red with his blood. And I had to leave him.
The entire time I was in the belly of the federation destroyer with danger lurking around every corner, all I wanted to do was to get this done as quickly as possible and get back to him. I was enraged that they’d done this to him and to billions just like him.
“Tenga was all I thought about the entire time,” I croaked. “And I…I was willing to kill everyone onboard to get back to him, even if there was no way I ever could. I… did things I could never have imagined myself doing even just days ago. I tore a chunk out of my leg just to be able to get to the Krakotl pinning me down with a crowbar.” I inhaled deeply, staring down at my reflection in the water, recalling my bloodshot eyes in the reflection of the ship's monitor. The grimly colorful bloodstains in my fur from several different species.
Rayner nodded. “It was a desperate situation. Many don’t see themselves doing things like that until they’re put in a situation where it's necessary. A situation where it's do or die. No one can fault you for that, especially not with all that depended on you.”
“I guess I just…It’s just worrying knowing that there’s a part of me capable of that.”
The doctor tapped his pen on his notepad as he seemed to think for a moment. “Do you worry that you may have violent outbursts?”
I scoffed. “Well, the events of a few days ago provided good grounds for worry.”
Rayner nodded. “Aggression is common for PTSD victims. It can be difficult to manage intense emotions when your mind is already dealing with so much.
I shook my head. “That’s not the person I want to be.”
Rayner nodded. “I know Vikri. That’s why it's so crucial for you to talk about this stuff. The less all of this weighs on you, the better you’ll be able to control those emotions when they arise.”
He finished writing on his notepad before taking off his glasses and leaning forward slightly. “So what happened to Tenga?”
The question made my heart sink. My mind went quiet. The second hand of time sounded like the footsteps of a giant marching toward…something. My body seemed to go cold and numb. “He died…” I croaked, staring down at the table. That was the first time I’d admitted that to myself verbally in such a direct way. “And I tried so hard,” I choked, tears now streaming down my face. “I did everything in my power to save him. I even put Querek’s life in danger.”
I felt the heat. I could feel cold water dripping from my paws as the burning ship melted the frost accumulating in my fur. I remembered the terrifying hopelessness that gripped me as I gripped Querek and pushed him into the snow. He tried to sacrifice himself for Tenga. What if I had let him? Would it have even worked? Could Tenga accept that?
I recalled the story to Rayner, battling to keep my composure. “I…I watched him die,” I choked. “And I was furious. Reese had to pull me off of him. I wanted to do…something, anything, but…he told them not to bring him back. I think he…” I winced at the thought of him considering this. “I think he’d rather have died sacrificing himself over…going rabid.”
Silence perforated the room for what felt like several long minutes. Rayner sat with his legs crossed, his hand propped up against his mouth. He seemed to become lost in thought for a moment before speaking. “I know how that guilt feels,” he admitted quietly.
I looked at him, somewhat surprised. “You do?”
Rayner nodded, rubbing his hands together. “My son,” he said plainly, taking a long pause before he continued. “He and Jesse were very close as kids. Practically brothers.” He tapped on his clipboard with his pen. “I was…not so available in those days. I was a very different man than I am now. I was still in school. I was always busy, always stressed. I hadn't even considered becoming a therapist. I was deadset on becoming a neurosurgeon.” He scoffed at himself, his head gently shaking back and forth as his gaze grew distant. His delivery lacked that matter-of-fact candor I was so used to by now. He was much quieter; less animated. His eye contact was sporadic and he never stopped fidgeting with his pen. Everything about him seemed suddenly mired in an emotion that was difficult to read. That was when I saw everything we'd done over the past few days for what it really was. Rayner wasn't invincible. He never claimed to be. He was hurt; I could hear it in his voice. He wasn't a person reaching down into the mud and yanking me out by the nape of the neck. He was man covered in mud himself. He wasn't an untouchable hero. Merely a guide.
He continued as that realization struck me. “I loved him as much as a father could. But I was so busy that…well I wasn't there as much as I'd like to have been. That put a big strain on our relationship.” He removed his glasses and wiped the lenses a few times before he continued. “One night we got into an argument. He’d just gotten his license. He had an old beat-up car I'd bought him for his birthday,” he chuffed. “A teen’s first car is always…eccentric. Thought it was a great deal at the time.” He sighed and nodded slightly before continuing. “He left the house enraged, speeding down the road. After a few miles, he lost control, swerved off the road, and hit a tree head-on. The airbag never deployed. The car crumpled like a soda can.”
I stared at him, speechless as he concluded in a near-whisper. “He was declared dead at the scene.”
The room felt hollow for a few long seconds. I searched for a reply but couldn't fathom the right words to say. Fortunately, Rayner didn't stay silent for long. “Like you, I blamed myself for a long…long time.” He sighed. “And it nearly destroyed me.”
I stared at the floor, fidgeting with my tail. “How did you…overcome that?”
“Well it didn't happen overnight,” he replied, flashing a brief smile. “It takes time but, at some point, you have to carry on living. You have to continue loving.” His eyes creased slightly as he looked down at his own hands. “You have to keep loving,” he repeated in a low whisper.
Loud silence claimed the room again as his words sank in. He was right. It was either accept what happened or live like this forever. Looking at it that pragmatically, the choice seemed easy. Emotions are never so logical though. It wasn’t as if he relieved himself of that burden either, it was obvious he still carried it. It just…didn’t weigh as much now. Not because it got lighter, but because he got stronger. I eased into speaking again. “I…I'm sorry. About your son.”
Rayner nodded. “I'm sorry about your friend.”
We both stewed in silence for a minute before Rayner spoke up. “We’ll send you home today.”
“You…really think I’m ready?”
Rayner nodded slowly. “I think so. The medication seems to be working, you haven’t had any breakdowns since you’ve been here. You’ve gotten much better at discussing these things. I think you’re equipped to face this now.”
“...I’m afraid,” I croaked.
“Of what?” Rayner asked, leaning forward
“Of…seeing Lucky again. I'm doubting whether I even should. I was never prepared to be her master. I’m just a danger to her.”
“Vikri,” Rayner exhaled and leaned forward. “You made a mistake. We all do. But you have a responsibility to her. You should at least see her and face that mistake, or you’ll never have closure. What you decide after that is your choice, but I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you think.”
“I hope so,” I sighed.
Rayner clicked his pen and set his notepad aside. “We’ve made you some medication to take home, same stuff you've been taking. The plan is to keep lowering the dosage until you’re sleeping without it. We’ve made you some sheets with all the daily doses on them and when to take each one. It’s enough to last you two weeks, then once they’re out, you’ll come back here for another session, then if you need it, we’ll get you more and keep weaning you off them.”
He leaned forward, emphasizing his next words. “And I cannot recommend enough that you go to Jesse’s support group in between our meetings. Those will help you tremendously, I’m sure of it.”
I nodded. “I have his number. I’ll…I’ll give it a shot.”
“You won't regret it,” Rayner assured me. “Jesse was in the same chair as you not too long ago for similar reasons. He has knowledge from first-hand experience. I can vouch for him, he’s a great guy.” He inhaled. “Well, is there anything else Vikri? We won’t be seeing each other again for a while, so if there’s anything else, now’s the time to talk about it.”
I thought for a second. We’d covered almost everything. I’d never discussed those days in so much detail. It felt like being submerged in icy water. It was miserable at first, but over time it became easier, even comfortable. I’d relived so much pain over the last three days, but here at the end of the whole story, It felt less like a nightmare, and more like reality. “No, I don’t think so,” I finally replied.
“Then I’ll clear you to go home. Andrea is here, she’ll give you a ride, I’m sure. Here.” He reached over and handed me a small business card. “That has all my contact information on it. I’m usually here in my office until late at night, so feel free to call if you need anything. If the sedative gives you any issues at all, any side effects, make sure to call and let me know. We followed the recipe to a tee, but it’s wise to be cautious.”
A familiar silence flooded the room as Rayner and I seemed to, for the first time, have nothing left to say. Finally, the doctor spoke. “See you in two weeks, Vikri.”
///////////////////////////////
Golden strands of light danced between the digits of my paw as I moved it in front of the brilliant summer sun. An intense beacon of warmth floating in a sky as blue as Earth’s oceans. The rumble of Andy’s car occupied the air as we cruised down the highway. Vivri was sound asleep in the backseat. The gentle white noise and vibration seemed to knock her out cold. I watched the sunrays dance as I waved my paw in front of me, before turning it around. Several spots on my paw still had obvious scars. I even still had burn scars from the electrical systems aboard the crumbling Cardinal.
I curled my paw closed into a fist and rested my head against it, watching the lush, green mountains pass by in the distance. After three days I was set loose into the world once again, hopefully better armed than I was before. Even after all the weight I doffed from my shoulders in Rayner’s office, a crushing mass still rested on my chest. Lucky.
The weight only became heavier as the car slowed, and rounded a corner into the parking lot of a large animal hospital. Andy gently brought the car to a stop in a parking space in front of the entrance. Occasionally people would walk in and out with their pets, many of which were dogs on leashes.
Vivri stirred awake after we stopped. “Oh…We’re here,” she muttered nervously. “There’s…a lot more animals here than I was expecting.”
Andy chuckled. “It’s an animal hospital girl, there’s gonna be all kinds of critters here.”
I turned around to face her. “You don’t have to go in there. You and Andy can wait here.”
Andy scoffed. “You might wanna tell Rayner they screwed up those meds, ‘cause you’re delusional if you think I’m letting you go in there by yourself.”
“Well I don’t want her to be alone out here,” I argued.
“I’ll go in, just…stay close, please?” Vivri interjected.
I looked back at her, ears tilted. She was dead serious. I sighed and shook my head. “This is gonna be a disaster,” I groaned.
Andy opened her door. “I’ll wait with her in the lobby, you go talk to the vets. It’ll be fine.”
I looked back at Vivri one last time as Andy stepped out. “Alright, just stay away from the cats.” I opened my door and began stepping out into the summer air.
“C-cats?”
“Small felines. They're demons with mind control,” I replied just before closing the door.
Vivri scrambled out of the car and followed right on my heels. “Well don’t just leave me!” she squeaked.
I laughed. “I’m kidding. Well, mostly.”
Walking into the building, I realized that Lucky had been in a very similar place as me over the past three days. The lobby felt eerily similar to the one at the medical center. Everything went silent as Vivri and I walked in. Immediately I could feel dozens of eyes on us. Vivri hid close behind me as Andy gestured for me to follow her to the desk.
I doubted any of the humans there meant any harm, but dozens of binocular eyes snapping onto her in an instant had Vivri more unsettled than she already was. It didn’t help that several dogs were either on leashes or in carriers in the lobby, which were no doubt just as curious. I grabbed Viv’s paw. “They don't see many Venlil,” I whispered. “Just ignore them.”
I approached the desk with Vivri still hiding behind me. “E-excuse me?” I stuttered. The woman at the desk looked up, clearly caught off guard by two venlil standing before her. “O-oh! Excuse me, you must be Lucky’s owner, right?”
“Yeah. Vikri.” I could feel Vivri shivering behind me.
“I’ll let Doctor Gavin know you’re here.”
“Thanks,” I muttered before turning to Vivri. “Are you sure about this?” I whispered.
“Of course! It’s just for a few minutes, right?” Her body language gave an entirely different answer. She seemed like she might faint at any moment.
I looked up at Andy. “Keep her close, would you?”
Andy wrapped her arms over Viv’s shoulders. “Of course. I’ll keep little Vivi safe from all the big, bad puppy dogs and mean kitties,” she said in baby speak, twisting her side to side. She giggled. “We’ll be fine.” Her tone suddenly shifted as she locked eyes with me. “Will you?”
I stood there in silence for a moment. This entire time my heart felt unbearably heavy. Standing there, I felt nauseous. So much so that I made it a point to know exactly where the bathroom was when I walked in. The weight on my chest made breathing a laborious task. I heaved in a deep breath. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know what’s going to happen in there but…I have to do this. For both of us.”
Andy exhaled and nodded, seemingly just as nervous for me. Right on cue, the door at the back of the room opened with a heavy click. “Vikri?” a male voice called out. An older gentleman in burgundy scrubs surveyed the room. It didn’t take long for him to find me. He nodded toward me as he adjusted his glasses. “Right this way, please.”
“We’ll be right here,” Andy whispered, her hands still resting around Viv’s shoulders, who agreed with a tail flick.
I nodded and walked toward the man, leaving the cozy waiting room behind, and entering a long, sterile hallway. The doctor’s shoes clicked against the tile as he walked just in front of me. The weight bearing down on my chest only got heavier with each step. After a few agonizing seconds, the man finally spoke up as he stopped outside a door. “I’m Doctor Gavin,” he said breathily, extending a hand. “I performed Lucky’s surgery.”
I took his hand with my paw, which he could no doubt tell was trembling by this point. “Vikri,” I choked. “S-so…How is she?”
“She’s good,” Gavin answered in a higher pitch. “She’s recovering remarkably fast. Really lived up to her name.” He opened the door and stepped through into a kennel area as he continued. “The bullet hit one of her ribs and shattered. A couple of fragments pierced her lung, one of them was just inches from her heart. There’re still a few very small ones lodged in her tissue, but we’d be doing more harm than good by trying to remove them. They shouldn’t cause any issues and come out on their own after some time, but we’ll keep track of them with x-rays.”
As he spoke we passed by kennels, some empty, some with dogs that barked or jumped up on the cage as we passed. I scoured each one for Lucky, my dread building with each one we passed. Suddenly, the doctor stopped in front of me. He inhaled deeply. “I should mention…Given the…circumstances of how she got these injuries, me and some staff will stay with you just in case she becomes aggressive. That’s not to say that I think she will,” he added hastily, “she’s been great with everyone here but…you know, just to be safe.”
“I get it,” I breathed. It made sense. If Lucky attacked me, it would be far more deadly than it would be for a human. And I was confident even a human wouldn’t last long against a half-wolf her size. Fittingly, a group of four humans were gathered at the end of the hallway, catchers in hand.
Time seemed to slow as I approached the pen. The staff members all looked over at me with the same anxious expression. I felt like a prisoner walking toward my judgment, and that perhaps it was me that belonged behind these cages. I swallowed and took a long, slow breath as Gavin opened the gate. He walked in ahead of me. “Hey there big girl,” he said in a chipper tone. I heard the familiar thumping of Lucky’s tail against the floor. Gavin chuckled to himself as the remaining four staff calmly and quietly filed into the pen. Once they were all inside, the final human leaned around the corner, looked me in the eyes for a long second, and nodded once.
A new reality awaited around that corner. My sentence was about to be read. It felt so cripplingly helpless; wanting so desperately to finally be reunited with my best friend, yet trembling at the thought of rounding a corner to run face-first into the consequences of my actions. I steeled myself one last time. I nodded back at the catcher and took slow, deliberate steps toward him. I finally rounded the corner, and for the first time since the incident, I saw Lucky.
She lay on a large, fabric bed, with food and water bowls close by. Her right front leg was bound in a cast, tied up close to her body. A large patch of fur had been shaved away around her chest and halfway up her neck. She seemed thinner than I remembered. It reminded me of the scared, hungry pup I’d met so long ago.
Her eyes tracked onto mine instantly, and I felt an ache that defied all imagination. The same gaze that would send almost any other Venlil scrambling down the hallway instead gripped some inner part of me in a cold, numb stasis. I couldn’t move. Part of me wanted to run to her and spill out how sorry I was. Another wanted to curl up on the floor right there and sob, returning to that familiar numbness that seemed akin to the ancient enemy of life itself. The cold. That bitterness that pierced through fur, through flesh, through bones, and any ideal held by the naive child that sat next to Tenga’s corpse that day. It ran through until there was nothing left.
Then, I felt a warmth as if someone had draped a blanket over me. I gripped my poncho around my shoulders, grabbing it tightly. I made a quiet promise to myself there and then. Not a promise to my sister, or my parents, or Andrea. Me. I wouldn’t lie down in the cold. Never again. One more hill.
“Hey Lucky,” I said, my voice coarse and breaking every syllable.
The silence was abruptly broken as Lucky, though seemingly frail, shot to her feet. Everyone in the room shifted, prepared for the worst. I didn’t dare move, but I could feel my heart pounding in my legs, my body preparing to bolt. The staff watched her carefully, their grip slightly tightened around their polls. Lucky made no sounds, only stared at me, her nostrils flaring as she gathered my scent. Her right front leg was useless, immobilized against her body. She shifted her footing to steady herself. Then I saw something that replaced fear with tears. She was shaking like a leaf, never taking her eyes off me. She could care less about the others. She was scared. Of me.
I felt myself fall off a ledge in a sensation I’d become all too familiar with over the last few weeks. Tears streamed down my face, my breath hitching as I brought my paws up to my face. I fell to my knees, the presence of the staff had become irrelevant. “I’m…I’m sorry,” I exhaled between gasps. “I’m so sorry.”
So there it was. My new reality. It wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but it was what I expected. I didn’t know what I’d do then, and I didn’t know now. Could I go on without Lucky? She was the one fortress in the turbulent seas of my broken mind. She was the one I could always count on. The one that I knew would always be there, no matter what. Now I was convinced she was terrified of me.
I sat there a shattered mess for a long moment, tumbling off that cliff and reaching out for anything to catch myself, but found nothing but jagged stones. I felt a hand on my shoulder, Doctor Gavin attempting to comfort me, I assumed. Until I felt something touch my knee. I looked up, thrown out of the spiral abruptly. Lucky was now just in front of me, licking my leg. I froze, confused. She gently laid down, careful of her bandaged leg as she rested her head on my leg, looking up at me. That was the same leg she’d broken months ago. Finally, I got it. “I hurt you, and you still loved me.”
A wave of relief rushed through me and I looked down at her, eyes glossy with tears. I bent down and rested my head against hers. I laughed, though it sounded more like a sob. For the first time in days, I felt whole again.
Lucky still loved me.
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Hey all! I'll try and keep this short and concise so we can focus on discussion. I'm on Xbox One for reference, the slim :/. I started out modding Skyrim and FO4 on PS4, have a Viva New Vegas/Frontier PT going with FNV on a crappy laptop, so I am glad to enjoy external assets on a console! I have no programming experience but I'm relatively intelligent so I can handle difficult concepts. I have the desire to understand what you all know from experience and will do my best to interpret!
Feel free to reference the numbered topics or offer random widoms at leisure. And of course don't hesitate to share your favorite mods in extensive detail...no holds bar I wanna hear it all. I know how it goes with the Bethesda Modding scenes...we are at our best when we share our individual testing insights.
1.) 2GB storage and performance.] Do mods affect performance by volume? Can I max out my storage cap for mods without any consequences, beyond mods introducing their own specific issues? I've seen some say a full 2GB makes Boston unplayable...?
2.) Mods that break Boston/performance...what is previs and precombine? What's the watered down explanation? How can I get Boston and other dense areas running?
3.)Are there any major no-no's currently (barring the recent update chaos)? For example I read that some time ago it was a crash guarantee in Far Harbor if you used UFO4P, due to the headers, which I won't pretend to understand, but I gleaned that it was a mere oversight. Are there any other such well known deadly combos I should be aware of?
4.) How do you personally manage the small memory budget in forming your playthrough's game build? Mainstay mods such as Armorsmith, Dak's Attachments, America Rising 2 etc are massive sacrifices of space. Seems one has to choose which areas to mod that have greater impact. I hate an intensely Love Hate (😏) relationship with 4...so I intend to fully overhaul it. This is proving to be a difficult task especially if topic 1 is as I fear.
5.) Tricks for navigating Bethesda's mod UI? It doesn't display my library or my favorites in their entirety, something I hadn't noticed on PS ever before. This means I can't favorite something I already have downloaded that I want to remove but not lose forever, without using the search bar to manually favorite it. And then, my favorites aren't all accounted for in the fav list.

I think there will be some people in this group who can help me. I would like to hear from parents/step parents who have grown up or will grow up never knowing one of their bioparents. Whether it's your child's situation, your step child's, or your situation from your childhood. Any stories on the topic would be good and you felt and how your responded to it or how your kids feel/respond to it.
For background on why I'm asking, my oldest has not seen or spoken to her biofather since she was 9 months old, obviously she had no memory of him at all. She is 8yrs old next month. I left him when she was 9m old and I really wasn't sure what would happen, if he would ask for custody or visitation, I really didn't know. He was extremely abusive (physically, s3xually, emotionally, financially, every way you can imagine, he also was a drug addict and alcoholic with a criminal history (Incestual paedophilia, grevious bodily harm, B&E, theft, r@pe) I didn't know about when we got together, I learnt more about his past after leaving than he ever let me know when we were together).
He ended up choosing to move to the other side of the country when I ended our marriage, I didn't make him do this and didn't expect him to do that. He then never tried to have any contact, I can't say I stopped him from contact because there was nothing to stop. I sent a few photos a few times in the first few months but he never asked for them so I didn't push because of how much better our life was without fearing for our lives. When she was 4yrs old I filed and went to court for full custody and the judge granted sole physical and legal custody, no visitation, allowed me to change her last and middle name, and permission to leave the country without him signing a passport if I ever want to. I was surprised because I was told to ask for these things but not to expect them to be granted (regarding the name and passport). He was served so he knew this was happening and chose not to fight it in any way.
My child has a (step) father in her life who she calls Dad and they are so close, sometimes i think they might be closer than we are! We also have anothet baby, I've explained how DNA works and that she got half of hers from someone else so she knows these things but isn't really phased by it. She knows her older sister who shares the same bio father but also has no contact with him, she was my step daughter when we were together and he cut contact with her when I left him. I kept contact with her biomum. He has another son whose mum contacted me twice now but we don't know them, they live on the other side of the country and ive heard he does interact with that boy. He never held, fed, or changed her in the first 9 months he was there, I was supposed to just keep her from disturbing him as much as possible, so I don't think she knew he left
It keeps me up at night sometimes wondering if she will ever want to find him when she's older, or if she will never care to because some people just don't. I'd like to hear any stories at all about children who have no contact and no memory of a bio parent and how it affects them, if anyone is willing to share. Thank you for your time.

Buckle up because this might be long. My (21F) friend (22F) named G and I have been best friends since freshman year and lived together starting sophomore year, along with our other friends R (21F) and L (21F). We are the all the same age, but G graduated a year earlier than the rest of us. I will try to summarize as best I can (I can give more specifics in the comments) but in the middle of sophomore year G accessed a repressed memory of inappropriate behavior from a family member. This caused her to essentially experience a mental break that manifested in increased outbursts and a slew of destructive decisions, which ultimately resulted in a Bipolar 1 diagnosis.
Throughout junior year the unstable behavior only worsened and it began to affect our relationships. It got to the point that over winter break she decided to move out of our apartment, saying that she was becoming resentful and frustrated with us because she was graduating and at a different stage of life than we were and therefore had decided to remove herself from the situation to salvage our friendships. After moving out, she continued to essentially "live" in our room by lingering around without explicitly meeting up with one of us roomates or leaving her things around the apartment, which made it difficult for us to define the new version of our relationship and set boundaries. We did our best to support her and be understanding through her harsher nature and lack of consideration for others, but R was not as able to see the situation from another perspective. She tended to take G's harsh comments to heart and resentment built throughout the spring semester until the relationship was irreparable, which led to 2 fights between the 4 of us with G blowing up at us.
After G graduated she moved out of state for a job. We hoped that this would naturally settle tensions, but ultimately their relationship wasn't salvageable and it led to the end of L and I's relationship with R as well because we "chose G over her". While G was out of state she spiraled further: she became manic, experienced psychosis, tried to self-admit to the mental hospital, and was fired from her job. After getting fired, she decided to move back to our home state, but because of her extremely strained relationship with her family she asked if she could briefly move into my family's home while I was living at school as a transition while she figured out her next move. This is where the problem arises.
The original plan was that she would stay for around a month or two but she back on her feet by Thanksgiving, however, she is still living there now in May with no plans of leaving anytime soon. No one, including her, realized just how bad her mental state was. As it turns out, most of her personality and habits were defense mechanisms and trauma responses from her childhood, and now that she has lost the ability to "mask" and adapt, it's like she is relearning how to be an aware and active member of society.
She is very easily overstimulated and any slight problem can throw her completely off, sometimes for days at a time. For example, we planned a small trip to visit a friend an hour away for G's birthday. G planned out her outfits with me the night before and then went to the guest room where she has been staying to pack. The next morning when it was right before the time we had decided to leave, I checked on her and asked if she wanted to go load the car, to which she snapped at me, yelled, and proceeded to essentially throw a short tantrum complete with jumping and door slamming. According to my parents this is not an uncommon occurrence- they have heard her throwing things across her room and often experience her outbursts, sometimes becoming the target of them. This has all had a negative effect on our relationship. It has improved over the months, but I have been consistently extremely uncomfortable with her and wanting to distance myself. Firstly, I just don't desire to be around someone who behaves that way. It is constantly like walking on eggshells and it feels like I'm always "on" and working to manage someone else's unpredictable emotions.
Secondly, I have been having a LOT of feelings about her living at my house. This has subsided a lot since the fall, but when she first moved in it was meant to be temporary, and therefore, she stayed in my bedroom. This came to a head when I came home for break to find my room essentially trashed with no effort from her to clean up for me. My room was not in the greatest state when I left it, but I came home to things like the blankets strewn about my bed, her dirty socks buried in my blankets and by my pillows, and half eaten chocolate left on the floor. After this she moved fully to the guest room, which has helped, but she has since started talking about wanting to decorate "her room", which is making me upset because it's not her room to decorate: that would imply that she is a permanent resident rather than a guest.
Thirdly, her behavior towards my family has been frankly unacceptable. Her outbursts have been directed towards both my parents and my special needs sister. None of us are particularly confrontational so it has never been explicitly brought up, but I am extremely offended that she would accept the kindness of my family to house and feed her and to still treat them with such disrespect. She also does not make an effort to be a good houseguest in other regards: only does she not do anything to help with the chores of the household, but she actively adds to the mess (doesn't do her dishes, leaves her packages on the kitchen table, etc). I know that much of this is due to her degraded mental state, but it truly feels like she is a leech. I hate feeling this way.
I believe that she is completely unaware of how any of this comes off to others based on conversations she's had with both me, L, and my mom. She continues to hold grudges and negative feelings about things from months/years ago towards L & I. For example, when she used to live with us, L and I would frequently find food to be missing that we had bought, sometimes containers completely eaten and left empty on the shelf. When we expressed frustration that G would take food without asking and then wait to be caught rather than asking beforehand or notifying us after, she told us that she essentially felt entitled to our food because we could afford to buy food and she couldn't. This is a consistent theme where L and I would have been more than willing to help out if she had asked, but we were upset under a matter of principle because it's still our stuff! I am definitely not completely blameless, but I wouldn't say that I have done nearly as much to harm our relationship. G has an inability to see any other perspective than her own, and she has yet to understand that she is not the only one who has felt hurt in our friendship.
My parents have been at a loss for how to handle the situation. They don't want to throw her out to the wolves (none of her other family is an option), but at the same time, it is almost a year since she moved in, which is 10x longer than they were anticipating. Additionally, her therapist has been telling her that she is not ready to move out on her own and is not ready to work a "big girl job", so she has been working at Starbucks since around October and is likely not financially stable enough to live on her own. There is the potential of finding roomates to live with (she has tried a couple but they have all fallen through), but another issue is I'm not sure if she has been saving her money. She frequently makes purchases on amazon, gets take out food (after my parents buy groceries specifically for her), got a $200 tattoo, and discussed buying $250 concert tickets at the table with my family.
My mom has been especially unsure of how to approach her in a way that won't "set her off", so she recently asked G if she could contact her therapist to ask some questions about how to discuss the future of the living situation, but it is unclear how that will play out (a conversation with the 3 of them, my mom communicating with the therapist, etc).
What do I do in this situation? I do have love for her, but truthfully, it's been diminishing throughout this situation and I want her out of my space as soon as possible. Maybe it's selfish, but I can't fully relax when I'm at home when she's there and I feel guilty for introducing my family to this predicament. I would be a bad friend if I threw her out, but just because she has it worse does that negate my feelings? I feel bad because her family situation is very toxic and she is clearly unpacking her childhood and grieving her lack of parental support, but it feels like it is manifesting in jealousy with my situation and resulting in her feeling entitled to my family, home, and life. It truly feels like she is taking advantage of my family but I also know she really doesn't have another option. At what point does it stop being "their problem"? Please Help! AITA?

Back in the day (years and years ago) you use to be able to upload the exact same video with no changes once a day, and every day get the 300 or so views. Eventually you'd get lucky and get a high like/view ratio on one of those uploads and the video would get a ton of views. I use to do this a couple times and was able to get millions of views on within a 3-5 reuploads on some of my better content.
Obviously nowadays Tiktok will identify if something is a reupload, and give you 0 views and not push it to the FYP at all.
The other day i reuploaded a video i made like 6 months ago and not only did it not get caught in the eligibility filter, it got 10k+ views, where as the last upload only got the dreaded "300 and dead". Didn't even have to delete the original upload.
So it seems like tiktok does not have an unlimited memory when it comes to identifying reuploads. At some point (if the original upload only received a few hundred views) it stops remembering your previous uploads and will treat the reupload as original as the day you first uploaded it.
Has anyone got a rough timeframe for this? How long should you wait to give a video a 2nd chance at reuploading?

I'm really interested in getting into making pipe cleaner flowers. But do they attract dust? If they do how do u clean them.
The only info I could find online. Said not to use water because they can lose there shape. But instead replace the dirty pipe cleaner.
That just doesn't seem practical. Especially since I would like to gift some to my mum for her upcoming birthday.
Any suggestions on keeping them in a good clean state would be greatly appreciated!! Ty

TW: brief mentions of depression, suicidal ideation, and attempted suicide
When I (28F) was growing up, I was the golden child of the family. I didn't know it back then. Up until I was in high school I had a younger sister and an older half sister I only saw a few times a year. It wasn't like I never got in trouble or got yelled at, in fact I have a very vivid and hurtful memory where I was called a liar by my parents when I was being 100% truthful (they just didn't want to hear it and wanted someone to be mad at I guess), and then I was told to just "suck it up and get over it". But compared to my younger sister, who was compared to me in every way, I always had the perfect grades, perfect attitude, perfect behavior, etc. Our parents, especially our mother, who was the main parent taking care of us during the week, pretty much pitted us against each other constantly. My little sister was being told she needed to be more like me, and I was told my sister was a bad kid. I would try to help her stay out of trouble as a kid and would get mad when she didn't listen to me because i didnt understand she was just being herself and didn't need to be exactly like me. Up until college, I didn't understand that my sister didn't need to change, she needed her parents to love her as she was and help her instead of trying to mold her into some ideal of perfection. We were picked apart constantly about every little thing we did, and I was expected to always somehow know everything even if I'd never learned it before. My house was full of constant yelling due to the extremely high expectations and my mother's terrible temper, and it became a very stressful place to be starting when i was around 10. We went through a lot of financial hardships as well since I was very young, so I dont want to dismiss how hard things were for my parents and how much they went through. But I have always been hyper aware of how much it costs for me to exist as my mom stressed so many times over the years that she couldn't afford to buy even a new shirt because she had to buy stuff for us, as if that was at all our fault.
When i was in high school, my baby brother was born. He pretty much instantly became the new golden child, not only because he was the youngest and the only boy, but because it became clear at a very young age how intelligent he is. I was a straight A honors kid and he was blowing me out of the water since he learned to read. I didn't mind at all because 1) I was going to be going to college in a couple years, and 2) with our age difference, he was as much my son as my brother, and I took on a very loving parental role with him of my own volition. I also saw the promise in him and I wanted him to live a happy life. My little sister and him are very close to this day, at least to my knowledge. During this time they were still coming down really hard on my little sister, treating her as well as they always had - meaning they still yelled at her constantly and were overly critical of her and everything she even thought about doing. They talked about sending her to military school more than once, and pretty much resigned themselves to the idea my sister would never be able to live on her own before she even got to high school, let alone graduated.
Flash forward to when I was in college, I started coming home and noticing things about how my parents treated my sister, and for the first time I saw it for how terrible it was for her. The distance and time I spent away from the house helped my little sister and I completely change our relationship by my second or third year. What really solidified it was a series of events that happened my junior and senior years of college.
My sister moved to our town with her husband with their 2 very young boys, and we soon found out she was pregnant with twins. That is kind of where it all began to fall apart. Time showed not only that her husband is a massive pos, but also potentially abusive, although we never got concrete proof. As my sister's pregnancy progressed and they struggled to get on their feet, my parents started watching my nephews for hours at a time, sometimes the whole day. And if my parents had to babysit out of nowhere and put their lives on hold, me and my younger siblings were expected to do the same. No toys, no books, no games - nothing. Essentially, the entire house was expected to babysit in a way that i have been told wasn't normal. Even my little brother was expected to take on this role in caring for kids who were only a couple years younger than him. I spent my entire childhood taking care of my little sister and then my baby brother, and I hated seeing how they were doing the same to him when me and my little sister were at the age where it shouldve been left up to us. I started really butting heads with my parents as the situation progressed because they started yelling at my baby brother when the boys would even bump their heads even though it wasnt his fault. He never mistreated them, hit them, pushed them , or anything, so my parents justified it by saying he wasn't being a "good uncle" by "letting them" bump their heads on the tv stand, for example. He was expected to let them play with all of his toys, and my mom tried letting the boys use things that were very important to my brother, which would've ended up with the boys taking those things home. Saying it that way makes it sound a lot more mild that it was, but I'm trying to save time and not give out too many personal details. I guess you could say in short, my parents began expecting my elementary school age brother to give up his time, his space, his toys, his gifts - anything that meant anything to him, to help care for children when he was still a child not much older than them. I ended up giving my baby brother my room to not only keep his stuff in, but to sleep in.
In the end, my sister had the twins and then moved back to her home state about 6 months later. We think her no good husband lied to her about us and she cut contact with all of us, and we haven't heard from her since. In our house, the damage was done. I had long conversations with my little sister when our parents weren't around about how she needed to get out because of how they were treating her, and how I would eventually graduate and move to a city where I could find a job. But neither of us wanted to leave our little brother in that house because we were worried how they would treat him when we both left. Our parents had already proven they would throw any of us to the side at any second, even their golden child baby boy, and blame even him for anything that went wrong. Our parents have a history of spilling all our business at any holiday meal and badmouthing any little mistake. They would talk shit about us in front of us and shame us in front of family our entire lives, and if my sister and i weren't there to take the brunt of it, how long until they turned on my baby brother. Would they even wait until he wasn't "perfect" anymore?
Throughout all of this, I was struggling a lot in college, and starting around junior year i became very depressed and suicidal, which resulted in a major attempt in my 5th year of college, which to this day i don't like talking about. Before that, however, I went to my mom about feeling depressed and told her i thought i needed to talk to someone. She brushed me off. I was dumb enough to think that maybe she thought i was exaggerating, so i tried a second time to ask her for help about a year later, and she brushed me off again. Part of me blames her almost entirely for my attempts, because i came to her before any of them because i knew thats where it was headed if i didnt get help. All she had to do was make a couple phone calls to find me someone to talk to and she couldn't even do that for me. I was a scared girl who needed her mom's help because i didnt know who to turn to, and she turned her back on me. After my final attempt, I pulled myself up and got help, but my financial aid ran out and I was unable to return to school and finish my degree, so I went back to my parents house and was absolutely miserable for the next 6 months. I felt like a failure, like I wasn't "perfect" like i was supposed to be. I felt suffocated every single day and like the only ones who wanted me there were my siblings. One day I tried a little experiment and sat in the living room with my mom for the entire day and she didn't say one single word to me, didnt even acknowledge my existence. Ever since the stuff with my nephews happened, I had doubled my efforts to protect my siblings and take the brunt of my mom's anger, so I pushed back a lot when they tried to get onto my siblings for ridiculous things. I ended up ghosting my friends for 3 months because I was so depressed, and it really scared them. It was then I knew i had to get out of that house or it would kill me, so I moved into my grandparents' house a town over.
Things at my grandparents' house started okay, and i was even able to confide in them what had been going on at my parents' house, which in the end turned out to be a big mistake. I got a job working overnight at a retail store and met the guy who is now my boyfriend of 3 years. Unfortunately, the longer i spent at my grandparents' house the more i saw where my mom got it from, and they ended up treating me just as bad as what was going on at my parents' house. The only difference was that my sister wasn't there so i was taking the brunt of all of it. When things started getting tough for them after my grandpa retired, instead of sitting down with me like an adult and asking if it would contribute financially, my grandpa cornered me in the car when he was driving me back from work and guilted money out of me with a sob story. And guilted me at the dinner table the second time when they needed more money. One time i walked in the house after work and before i had even taken my shoes off or put my purse down to get my wallet out, he blocked the door to my room with his hand out like a loan shark to give him the money. I payed for all my own expenses, took short showers and kept as many lights off as i could, and told them not to buy me anything, even food. And in the end, even though they guilted me for money, then more money, and promised they wouldnt kick me out, they sold the house out from under me when they knew i was still trying to save for an apartment with what little money i had left a month. I ended up having to live with my best friend and her husband or i wouldve been homeless. I still helped them move even when they f-ed me over. And even after all that, I still went to holidays and visited my parents from time to time.
The last time i saw my grandparents they ran into me and my best friend in a store. My grandpa saw me first (he and my grandma were in different parts of the store), and starting yelling at me for pretty much cutting them off since i hadn't been to see them for months, and then when he started realizing he looked like the bad guy tried to make the reason i stopped talking to them about politics (i live in a conservative area) as if that would justify it. When my friend and i were trying to grab one last thing before we left because i was humiliated and trying not to cry, my grandma cornered me at the deli counter, had me pinned between the counter and a cart so i couldn't leave, and started yelling at me too. I was so broken back then, but i tried to tell both of them i would talk to them but not in the store. They just wanted to scream so we left. I haven't spoken to them since and have no plans to.
Eventually i moved 2 hours away back to the city i had went to college in. During that time, my grandparents drove the 3 hours to try to find where i lived, and then called trying to get me to come downstairs. I was asleep for work at the time but it made me feel so uncomfortable that they would do that. And after living there a year and my bf and i commuting to visit each other every other week, it came to the point where if i wanted our relationship to continue i had to move back. This is not something he ever brought up to me, this was a decision I came to on my own. So two years ago I moved back to the area I grew up in. We live an hour away from my hometown and 30 minutes away from the town i met my boyfriend in. And although he has family in both areas that we visit, I haven't seen or really talked to my parents or siblings since i initially moved out of the area.
A year ago, after a year of silence from me and from my parents, I dropped a box off at my parents' house when they weren't home with souvenirs i got them on vacation when i first moved back, short letters to each of them about the gifts, and a long video letter on a flash drive explaining everything I felt because i knew i couldn't go on without being honest and i knew if i tried to have a conversation in person, they wouldn't listen to me. I told them i wanted to keep them in my life but i couldn't ignore everything that had happened and the ways they treated me and my younger siblings. I told them i had no interest in continuing a relationship with my grandparents and that anything they have told them probably wasnt true. I sent them scans of my diaries as "proof" that i wasn't lying because that's the kind of house i grew up in - if you couldnt prove it, it didnt happen. I laid myself completely bare so that i could heal, knowing the whole time they may never want to speak to me again. I gave them pictures of me and my boyfriend and my new phone number anyway. The only thing i didn't give them was my address because we live on his family's land and his family, knowing a bit about my family and also about my grandparents essentially stalking me, don't want anyone from my family nosing around on the property. I don't want that either so i agreed not to give it out. The people in my life who knew about the box and the letter turned video letter were supportive of the idea given all i had been through, and I thought dropping it off would be the end of things.
Since then, I have healed from everything that has happened. I'm still angry and sad and i feel like I'm grieving every day, but I'm not the spineless, scared girl i used to be. My boyfriend has helped me become a better person in so many ways. But i still miss my family, especially my dad. I feel like he didnt deserve what i've done for reasons i cant go into, because the reality is he depends a lot on what my mom tells him because he works, and he trusts her deeply. I feel like in some regards he depended too much on her word, although he isnt completely innocent. There's obviously a lot more to my story that what I have here or else I'd be writing an autobiography, but just know if this all sounds like it isn't a big deal, I have so many stories and so much more detail that isn't safe to give out here.
The reality is my parents and i pushed each other away until we all became strangers long before everything blew up. I felt like a stranger from the time i left for college. I was made to feel like if i wasn't at home, i was a second thought, and a lot of very serious issues happened while i was away that i didnt find out about until i came home. My last year of college i was physically starving and could only afford to eat one meal a day if that. When i had left for school at the beginning of that school year my mother made it clear i had to figure it all out myself because they had no money to give me, but then i came home for Christmas and everyone but me had all new electronics. I cried asking for money to buy my uniform to start my campus job but they bought all new computers and tablets. And that stung.
Last Christmas, my parents and siblings messaged me. It was the first time I had heard from them since before i dropped off the box. It was just a Merry Christmas, but it absolutely shocked me. And then they all messaged again on my birthday. Same thing, just little pleasantries, but it makes me feel like maybe that door isn't closed. However, I have absolutely no idea if we can move forward, if they want to, or even if its a good idea to try. I have struggled a lot since college about whether or not all of this and everything I wasn't able to share here is or is not a big deal. I've had people close to me listen to my whole story and call it emotional neglect and abuse, but I just don't know. I feel crazy most of the time, and I'm afraid I'm exaggerating or making it up for attention or something, which also doesn't make sense. I struggle a lot in my day to day. I am ruled by the emotions of those around me and i cower like a kicked puppy when people around me are upset, even if its not my fault. I get ashamed when i make a mistake or i'm not "perfect", and if my feelings are valid I have no idea if it would be a good idea to get back in touch. But i think about if/when my boyfriend and i get married, and how i have no family to sit on my side. It sometimes feels like it's my fault because i wasn't strong enough to just shut up and deal with it anymore. At this point I dont know what is the right answer, what's going to finally give me peace. For now, I just keep moving forward trying to build a better life with my boyfriend and hope all the pieces will fall into place later.

My cute dog (American Cocker Spaniel) will pass soon. He already had a bad start when he was still with his mom (inexperienced breeder). He spend the first few weeks in the hospital. Some of his brothers and sisters didn’t make it, but he did. When we had our first check up the vet told us that his lungs are not in a very good shape. The rest of his body was fine with the exception of his teeth which were close together and had some plague already.
During the years we encountered some problems. After weeks of searching what is happening we found he has an severe longterm allergy for beef. We eliminated everything which contains beef, they are everywhere even in Salmon Biscuits… after the elimination it went ok and we even got a second dog.
Everything was going well. He had some problems with teeth (bad shape, due to bad start and medicine there) and his temper like food protection or barking at cars / bikes, but it was fine and he got a good checkup every year including titer tests which were always ok. His health started to decline in the summer of 2023. He started limping on his front feed and was eating worse. We also noticed 2-3 weird spots on his skin which seems like hotspots. The vet told he was a bit heavy, he had a stiff neck and his intestines were a bit puzzled. A few sessions of acupuncture, good washing and balanced diet could help him, and it did help him for a few weeks.
In the winter his health suddenly declined and the weird spots on his skin increased and expanded over his entire body with crusts. He was losing a lot of hair. After a few vet visits, some medicine and some tests we discovered that he was highly allergy for almost everything you could imagine. This was a big message for me and my wife as it would mean we should change in the house a lot while we also have a other dog who lived the same life in perfect health. We switched to special hypoallergenic dog food of Hills so he does not react on that food and keep the other dog on his current food. We had to lock both pets apart and clean up where the other pet and also where we ate so he can’t get any other food in his stomach.
This worked for a few weeks. He remained happy when someone is home, we went to the forest or beach regularly and if I leave the house I always wants to be back as soon as possible to see my family again. I mainly work from home, so the two pets are always around and I have a deep emotional connection with them.
Unfortunately, the spots came back rapidly and he was shaking a lot. His teeth’s were also declining rapidly and his movement worsened that he could jump on the couch anymore and the stairs are done step for each step. We shifted from dexamethasone to Prednisone to see any difference, but recently we came to the conclusion that this and other treatments are not giving the results we and the vet wants. I was still looking for possible solutions, but my wife (had dogs in the past) and vet intervened that he is sick and everything we are doing could at the best only suppress symptoms, we were not making him better. The vet said we were doing everything right on food, health etc. But basically his immune system is failing and not doing what it is supposed to do.
This week we decided to put him down. He will get his final rest next Saturday, on his fifth birthday. I’m devastated and keep crying that it is going to happen. Never had a pet during my youth and I’m just worried about the gap of the unconditional love he will leave. I’m also worried about my second dog who never has been alone and plays a lot with him and what this change will do with him.
While I’m writing this, my dog is sitting next to me and shaking, but he has a lot of moments where it all looks good (with exception of the skin/fur) and he seems enjoying life now. I find it very difficult he is passing at such a young age and weird thoughts are going through my mind if i could have prevented this, do things differently or anything to expand his time here with us. I feel defeated that I couldn’t help him anymore. During the good times I keep on thinking to call off the euthanasia, but then what… wait until he has a very bad or very painful day?
No matter what, I love him and keep carrying the awesome memories and the times he dragged me and my wife through really hard times in my heart. But the grief that he will be gone soon…This is the worst I’ve ever felt in my life…

Has anyone been able to get off of birth control after a long time without losing their hair and their acne severely returning? ((For the sake of the reddit rules, I'm looking for EXPERIENCES, not medical advice, but feel free to suggest supplements for my research. I will be speaking to my gyno next month before I stop my pills. :))
I started birth control after my 15th birthday because I was having really heavy periods and they'd only come once every 2-4 months. My doctors just threw me on it. I've been taking it for almost 10 years now. Since then, I've been dealing with depression, bad insomnia (it takes 3 hours to fall asleep), high heart rate, light acne, slight balding on my temples, memory issues, and light brain fog. Then last year after a chance ultrasound, they discovered cysts and officially gave me the PCOS diagnosis.
I'm really wanting to get off of birth control, but I'm terrified of losing my hair and my acne getting insanely bad! I can deal with the heavy bleeding and pain, but afraid of the hair loss and acne. I'm ready to make dietary changes and take supplements but my problem is that I'm autistic and my severe texture issues make it really difficult to tolerate certain foods. I don't like the taste and texture of avocados, fish, mushrooms, nuts, and bananas.
My mother doesn't want me stopping it because I'm sexually active and come from a very fertile family. :') I'm sure the PCOS already reduces my fertility? Regardless, condoms, etc.
Has anyone successfully stopped birth control without going bald and severely breaking out?

My husband left for about a month and a half for exercise,I’ve moved home since. He was able to take leave for two week before he actually deploys for the rest of the year. I feel so disconnected to him and can’t imagine how our relationship will pan over the rest of this year. I just don’t want this,I don’t him to miss every holiday,my birthday and family gatherings,I just don’t want it but have no say in the reality.I love my husband to death and would do anything for him but I just hate this,I’m tired of saying goodbye,I’m tired of being away from him,I’m tired of living a separate life from him,I feel like our first years married have been so off and on and although we’ve been fortunate to spend most holidays and birthdays I’m just exhausted. I haven’t had a solid job or been able to finish school in one place,I feel like I’ve missed out on so much and he’s just not there and I know he can’t help it but god do I hate it so much,and I hate how angry and resentful it makes me.I just don’t want this,it feels so unfair.
I know how chaotic this rant is I’m just really upset and feel like I’m at a dead end.

Hi Reddit, so I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible while still giving you all the facts. Let us start from the beginning, my at the time 21 y.o. step-brother, was going through his first big break up. Instead of confiding in others or taking time to understand his emotions he instead picked up a book about the stages of love. Let me also explain that my brother has never been the smartest guy and mainly gets by on his good looks and charm in his life. Anyway this book gave the usual “love requires fighting to work it shows that you care about the other” you know stuff everyone already knows. I’m guessing because it came from a book ,or because it was plainly saying what he was too naive to understand about what he was feeling, he became infatuated with every line. Anytime I would have relationship problems he would quote the self help books he had read since and recommend me ones to read. This went on for while but eventually I finished nursing school and moved out of my family’s house (which is my mother’s house, this is important for later) to start working.
Now fast forward to four years later. I’m living on my own with my the love of my life, working the night shift in the hospital like I’ve always wanted. On my way home on night I called my mom to catch up on my drive home. We started talking and eventually I asked about my step-brother. She explained that he was still living at home and had no plans on getting a job or moving out (for context my brother graduated with a master’s degree a year ago). I found that odd and asked what he is doing now. My mom explained that he just makes music and does podcasts with his friends. He apparently says he wants to be an entrepreneur. Which is fine everyone wants to make it big doing what they love doing however. My mother also explained that he constantly invites people she doesn’t know to her house to hangout and when she gets off of work she comes home to strangers that expect her to cook for them. My mother then started tearing up saying “I don’t feel like it’s my house anymore”. That’s when I got upset. I asked her why doesn’t she kick him out or at least start asking for rent so he has to get a job. She explained that she wanted to do that but my step father wouldn’t allow it. My mother and step father have a wonderful marriage and never fight, but because my stepbrother is his son he has attachment to him. My mom recently had to kick her daughter (my blood related sister) into the camper as well since my step sister (19 y.o.) lets her boyfriend stay on weekends in what used to be the girls room. My mother keeps explaining that all of these situations are putting stress on their marriage and by kicking out her daughter she feels like she betrayed her just so my stepfather’s kids can get their way in her house.
After this phone call I was livid so I called my step brother to confront him. After asking the normal “hi how are you” I asked if he has started looking for a job and he said “why would I?”. I responded “so you can work and move out”. Then he said “im in my 20s this is the time you are supposed to chase your dreams” he then pointed out that I always wanted to be a YouTuber or streamer and I should go for it. I then said you know I have a job now and I have to give that job a lot of my time in order to afford the life I live. He basically laughed and explained that there is always enough time. Not much important was said after that.
Now fast forward a few weeks later I see posts from his Instagram talking about how “social media is poison, take back your life, put down your phone, etc.” (Crazy to post that on social media btw). I have also come across his podcast which are just him and his friend who both have the combined IQ of a beheaded chicken explain that the universe is big and has like billions of stars and stuff. 0.0 his entire personality now is saying basic facts at the surface level and then acting like it’s deep as fuck. Furthermore the constant insistence on following your passion mixed with the complete ineptitude of being able to comprehend how smug and pretentious he is during any interaction has breed some real distain from anyone who can see through his act.
All of these posts about self help combined with the complete ignorance of how his actions putting a negative effect on our family has really put a barrier between us. I really don’t think I can take it anymore and I want to either try to explain that he has become a pretentious douche who only keeps around yes men who all think a fact for 5th graders they learn at the zoo makes them better than everyone else, but I honestly think he will just say I don’t understand or maybe I should read this book about stress. I’ve went over the situation with friends of mine and they all laugh when they see his posts and hear him talk now. For God sake he held his 25th birthday party recently and said for everyone to bring a book to exchange knowledge to one another and wear business casual.
I just want my mom to feel like the home she worked tirelessly as a single mother all those years to afford for our family is hers. I have always been so close to my brother and I want him back as a friend. I want my sister to be able to live in the house she was raised in instead of in a camper.
Well that’s everything as of now left out a lot of stories about him being directly wrong about facts he tells us or times he got called out and embarrassed about shit but I think I’ll just leave it here. I plan on confronting him soon I just don’t know what to say. Thank you for your time.