Hi there! So I’m a Protestant nondenom Christian teen girl, and I’ve seen a lot of Christian women veiling, and I’m on a journey of modesty with Christ and wanted to try it to see if I connect with God more when veiling. Haven’t worn it out of the house yet, but I’m going to the Vatican on my trip to Italy next week and I think I’ll wear it then!! It’s hard to find the confidence to wear it, though, because I know it’s a mainly Catholic and Orthodox tradition, and the only people at my school who I’ve seen veiling are Muslims. I’m afraid of being judged or losing friends- I told my boyfriend (he’s Christian too) about it and he said it seems a little strange because he’s always only seen a veil as a symbol of marriage, but he’ll support me if I do decide to wear one, it’s just a new thing and that kind of discouraged me a bit. Anyway, the only head covering I have at home (I can’t afford any fancy veils right now unfortunately) are headscarves my mom had from when she shaved her head to support her friend who went through chemotherapy. Her head would get cold so she would use these headscarves to cover. What do we think? (Absolutely no messages or inappropriate comments!! I am a teenager!)

Hi! My pronouns are hethey. I'm an Aussie girl living in the outback, so there's not a lot of options for friend-making. I find it really hard to write about myself so ill just list a bunch of stuff I like. If you feel a connection, please please message me!!! 💞 I love art, I paint traditionally and digitally and dabble in sculpting, tattooing, graphic design, and jewelry making. Anything I can do to express myself creatively, I'm on it! 💞 I like to play games, mostly sandbox types. I'm currently playing Baldurs Gate 3 (Romancing Astarion obvi) I also play Minecraft, Sims, and Dragon Quest Builders. I also played Elder Scrolls Online for 7 years until I sold my PC last year. :( (You get bonus points if you play ESO) 💞 I am shamefully on tiktok a lot, so id love someone to send funny tiktoks to. 💞 Obsessed with wildlife and collecting facts about animals. My family is so tired of hearing me ramble about how fast black marlins can swim. 💞 I am just starting my journey with spirituality. I've been meditating regularly for about a year. Im trying to learn more actively this year, reading books and such. If you're on a similar path, it would be really nice to talk with someone like-minded. 💞 I am autistic, and most of my struggle is with social interactions. I go through periods of not even thinking to talk to anyone for months! I just get super absorbed in my work/hobbies and that is the only thing my brain wants to think about. I really need a friend who doesn't mind me dropping off the face of the planet for a month, and picking up right where we left off. I understand that this can be really upsetting for some people, so I figured I would put it here so you can decide if you're okay with that before reaching out. Thank you so much for reading, please feel free to send me a message. If you're like me and are really bad at describing yourself, just tell me about someone you genuinely look up to. Mine is Lady Gaga because shes one of the most talented, generous, beautiful souls on this planet.

1st Month 276
During the first month of 276 a fleet of nine carracks and five longships will enter the harbor of Maidenpool, bedecked with banners of House Vunatis and led by the flagship Royal Purple. An additional four longships will enter the harbor, returning from their journey from Asshai heavily laden with trade goods.
So as not to take up too much dock space the ships would take turns docking to unload before returning to the Bay. As the season turns from summer to fall, the ships would transition from the northern Narrow Sea back to more southern waters as they stayed ahead of the autumn storms.
The day after arrival, the Old Mother would take council with her advisors and the most senior of her captains. She took her familiar seat on the dais.
“Luceon, meet Lord Maidenpool.”
“Mooton.”
She waved away Luceon’s correction.
“Doesn’t matter. See what is happening in the Riverlands. Especially that Vale thing if possible.“ She was tired, in no mood to play the role of Essosi noblewoman. The corset, the wigs, the powdered face with simpering niceties and the petty socializing. So much easier to send Luceon and let him play the Lord.
“Take Bellonara with you. See what rumors of conflict with Ironmen are.”
“Baetrys, Symeon.” Her child and grandchild had returned from their adventure. “We need contracts to keep us busy over the winter. See if Fourbay, Oldtown Merchant Company or Niaura’s family by marriage are in need of ships. Spread the word.”

I (28m) used to be best friends with this girl, “S” (29f) from grade 2 until I was 22 years old (that was when we last saw each other). Her parents ran a Korean restaurant, and I have so many fond memories of eating there with her. S and I were close enough that when we were really young, we promised to marry each other when we got older lol. It was that kind of relationship.
Starting from when I was in high school, until around my second year of college, I became a bit of a creep. I knew that it was wrong to touch girls without their consent, but I just thought it was “mildly” wrong, rather than being a genuine, disturbing violation. I didn’t think it was wrong to ogle girls, I thought I was being “funny” when I said sexual things to them, etc etc. I don’t know how, but I just happened to fly under the radar; between the ages of 14-18, when I was REALLY acting out, I still don’t remember getting any warnings or getting into trouble from my authority figures and teachers. And unfortunately, I took out a lot of my perversions on S during this time. I only remember one time where I touched her; it was during my freshman year of college, and I groped her breast. The rest of the time, I simply stuck to leering at her and making sexual comments about her. It's important to note, however, that I didn't do this to her nearly as much as I did to other girls, because I thought she was too dear to me to treat her that way on a regular basis. The last communication she had with me was 6 years ago, when she asked me via Facebook “yo…are you okay?” I didn’t respond to that message.
I grew up A LOT ever since I went to college. With all that being said, I admit that I am still sexually attracted to S, and I look up her Facebook photos frequently (not that it really hurts her; what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her). I miss her so much, and I still remember that silly childhood marriage promise that we made with each other. She never posts anything angsty on her Facebook or social media, which I’m hoping means that she’s not as traumatized as I fear she is. If I reach out to her and ask her out for some coffee, would that be a good idea?

Hi! I have new book out on Amazon called Laugh Like A Mother. Funny poetry about motherhood. Check it out!
Laugh Like A Mother
Also another book I wrote :) Funny/heartfelt stories about relationships.
Please Read Me: A Collection of Short Stories and Some Poems Too
They’re funny too because they can be used as a selfie prop!

So, I was blindsided with a breakup by my ex at the start of March. Any issues were solvable but she decided to run and put it down to “losing herself”.
This breakup cut deep, to the point where my family were seriously worried for my health - but I’m not the type of person to hurt myself or do anything like that, especially over something like this.
At first, I begged, I pleaded, I tried to change her mind. All of it to no effect. She also sent lots of mixed signals, like continuing to tell me “I love you”, as well as crying and trying to kiss me on the lips multiple times when we met to exchange things back in March.
I went into no contact, failed twice - but third time I was lucky. I fell silent at the start of April after trying again to fix it - but she did show enough care to ring me on my birthday to wish me well.
I stayed in no contact and disappeared until now. And in the period of silence, she stalked my socials from her main Instagram account and then a burner. In the end, I blocked the burner as it made me feel a bit uncomfortable.
Either way, it shows she cares in some capacity, regardless of whether we get back together.
Then, on Sunday just gone, I get a text close to midnight asking how I am and that she understands if I chose not to respond. I’m not one to ignore, and I know some will say I shouldn’t have given her what she wanted since she broke up with me and shattered my heart - but for me my revenge is forgiveness and kindness (without being taken advantage of).
She wanted to catch up and a swiftly set boundaries that I’m not here to be friends or have text catchups. She respected that, but I did open the door for a face-to-face meeting, which she said “I’d love that”.
Anyway. After two days of silence I reached out and asked to see her today and she did on her lunch break. She immediately noticed the physical changes and genuinely seemed taken back.
I’ve always looked sharp with my hair and beard, but I spiced it up with earrings, which she told me to always get during our relationship, and my tattoos (that aren’t shit thank god).
We caught up about life, smiling, laughing and joking. I even joked to her “do you want me to unblock your burner account now?” To which she got shy and we had a laugh about it as it is funny. It was a good ice breaker - because it broke past the nonchalant approach.
We avoided the breakup and going over old ground and I genuinely projected my positivity which isn’t a facade. It’s genuine. I’m in a much better place.
She did ask be questions like “how long did it take you to get over the sadness?” And I gave her an honest answer. She said she was in a similar headspace but her actions mentioned above to reconnect maybe tell a different story.
She also told me she misses me and made a few suggestive jokes about being friends (with a wink) so super playful - BUT she seems set on her decision and THAT’S FINE!
I made my boundaries clear again that I’ll never be her friend. She said “but what if I need you for something?” And I said “well, you made the decision to lose me, so no”.
I did make it known that she can message but be mindful of her journey that she’s on as well as mine. If she wants to hangout, set a date and time.
There was some touching of the hands, and we did hug a few times and I made it clear that it’s likely for the last time but that’s OKAY!
So the point of this post, people, is my revenge is forgiveness. My ex made a lot of mistakes, some really bad ones that left me cut up - both during and after the relationship. I made mistakes too no doubt.
But my revenge is forgiveness and that’s why I met up with my ex today. To show her I’m fine, I’m happy, I’m evolving, and I don’t hold hate in my heart. I believe if you loved someone, you can never entirely hate them. And that’s my revenge.
I don’t know fully why she was stalking, or her true intentions and keenness to meet after a long period of silence. If I never hear from her again, that’s fine, but she’ll never be forgotten.
I wish her all the best and all the happiness in the world. Am I sad I don’t have a front row seat? Yes. Am I sad I won’t be the man waiting at the end of the wedding isle and someone else will? Absolutely.
I was sad after leaving her today but it’s normal. But I don’t feel like it set me back - I feel stronger and the ball is only in her court.
To those struggling, keep going. It gets better.

hi! i'm launching my substack today! i went through almost 1 decade of deep depression, so being able to write again and build this for myself means a lot to me. i write essays about mental health (but it's not a mental health blog!), suffering, insanity, love, poems, do book reviews, among other things. I think my publication would be beneficial to all people who struggle in life, not just those who have mental health issues. if you ever suffered or felt pain, i believe you will like the stuff i write. I'm so excited for this journey... I'm also excited to meet people. because of my depression i basically have no friends, so if you're a substack creator who would like to connect please hmu (just for friendship tho!!). thank you if you read this far, i hope you enjoy my writing <3
https://open.substack.com/pub/burningpress/p/welcome-to-the-depths-of-my-soul?r=303egt&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

“the initial grip of fear, that turns into the unexpected earning for your capture.”
the poetry in here is about survival and surrender. it delves into the complexities of a karmic love. being trapped in a situation, while still being aware of its toxicity. my poems are meant to convey the tumultuous journey of being in love with a narcissist. (your “capture”) the lessons you learn, as painful as they can be, invite you to take a step into the shadow side of love. if you feel at home here, I’m truly sorry. there is a way out. I hope you break free. -with so much love, gillian.
and when you retreat,
i’ll wear this shirt for days.
intoxicating & sweet,
with your cologne interlaced.
breathing in your deceit,
it kind of feels like mace.
denial mixed with defeat.

• i’ve always had bad taste.

i knew you weren’t game.
still i chose to play.
it isn't fair to blame.
believe me, i carry my own shame.
poured myself into your glass,
played the waiting game.
leaking through your cracks,
our imperfections the same.
-i recognize a glass half full, even when it’s shattered.
every summer, we reheat.
you left your roots behind
seasons change, but cycles repeat.
if you see the same tree in the forest twice,
it’s time to face defeat.
must come to terms,
the truth can be bleak.
-you’re lost.
got a god complex,
but you’re not religious.
searching for who’s next.
never fearing Jesus.
sit back & count your checks.
blame your mistakes on demons.
make your excuses.
you’ve got your reasons.
-false prophecy
you remind me of an onion.
make me cry as I peel away at you,
in search for your seed.
but you’re just a facade of skins.
layers of deception,
concealing the truth.
disappointing.
you have no core,
only hollow creed.
-my mother’s disdain for onions.
there’s always been a haze between us.
murky, convoluted, undefined.
more than friends, less than lovers.
simultaneously strangers.
but in this ambiguity, I find solace.
-for grey is my favorite color.
i’ll play bartender,
make you something nice.
your heart in my hand,
gripping your ice.
drain me dry,
leave me hollow & still.
next week you’ll return,
thirsty for your refill.
-whiskey sour
bittersweet.
should have read the label.
“poison”
sitting so pretty on my table.
calling like an offering,
tempting & fatal.
it won’t go down smooth,
leave me unstable.
i tried to resist, i was unable.
now i see that love exists,
but only in fables.
-why do mistakes taste so good?
your lips left a bruise.
just here to distract.
but i admit i’m confused
when you kiss me like that.
aware i’m being used.
still comfortable where i’m at.
position i choose
complacent doormat.
-welcome home
you prefer car rides.
a space to talk, yet evade my gaze.
unable to sit still, restless in your ways.
never one to settle, always seeking the next best fling.
oh, how I long for the days when adderall made you sing.
-my fuel light is on
I broke my own heart,
more times than a few.
i may have lied,
but never to you.
if i faced the truth,
then what’s left to do?
i’m comfortable here,
wasting my youth.
i hate to admit it,
but i know it’s true.
i’m scared of change,
you run from it too.
i won’t forgive myself,
for always forgiving you.
-can you be home sick from people too?
You’re dead to me.
-Necrophiliac.
come on.
i forgave you,
without an apology.
convinced myself it was closure.
started our anthology.
this will never be over.
it’s in our biology.
let’s have a do over.
can you just come fuck me?
-delusional. & i can’t rhyme either.
i’ll read between your lines,
decipher each clue.
search for the signs,
follow your cue.
you’ve spun me around,
think i’ve lost a few screws.
still i rise, dust off the bruise.
maybe i’m drawn to a challenge,
perhaps it’s not you.
denial is my shield.
my safe space, my refuge.
the truth will not prevail
defeat? i refuse.
my final boss,
I aim to subdue.
-sore loser.
my mom said i felt cold.
I always tell the truth.
the words escaped my mouth.
“i get it from you.”
funny, she hugs me now.
never in my youth.
conceal carry my trauma.
play it cool, keep it smooth.
use my words as a weapon.
daddy taught me how to shoot.
-target practice
it’s lonely as a ghost,
been trapped here for years.
lingering around,
mopping up your tears.
do you sense my presence?
can you feel me near?
if I dare make a sound,
will you even hear?
or am I just a whisper?
it’s never been quite clear.
promised to stay beside you,
my love was sincere.
-invisible
afraid to release
what's just a mist.
I must learn to respect
your lack of interest.
hard pill to swallow,
if i could just take the hint.
i hate letting go
of what doesn't exist.
-maybe i’m the problem
chasing you down as you flee,
why look back, just to see?
i’m gaining distance, is this what you need?
only now I realize, I'm your source of glow.
i feed your flame, you need me to grow.
without my warmth, will your embers persist?
or will they die out, because I was your wick?
I can go the distance, even do it quick.
didn’t think I could pass you but, tag, you're it.
so when your lost in the dark,
just look for my light.
for my flames eternal.
vivacious and bright.
-Ruled by the Sun.
you love her like a one-way mirror.
boosting your ego, making thoughts clearer.
she stands before you, but can you even see her?
soon her time will come, to be valued, to be known.
to be more than a reflection, to be art on her own.
-shattered
i feel as though i’m trapped
in a museum.
exhibits of my past.
meticulously preserved & on display.
forced to observe and to my dismay..
no exits.
-i don’t like it here
i am an esteemed professor.
teaching you how to love.
i am a well-traveled guide.
leading you to your full potential.
i am a warrior.
going to battle for your reputation.
i am an artist.
molding you into your greatest self.
i am a generous humanitarian.
donating my most precious piece to another women.
she sees no flaws.
enamored by your beauty.
a saw the hardened marble slab
i chiseled away for years.
only to reveal the beauty underneath for someone else to cherish.
-wasted potential
when we were pretending to be strangers, I loved you from afar.
when we were playing house,
I welcomed you with all my heart.
you left me here, with nothing but a scar.
sad and empty.
headed to a bar.
light up a cigarette.
fill me with tar.
I hope you think of me when you see a shooting star.
-maybe you loved me in a past life
only one day will i realize
the last thing i should feel is surprise
my personality has been downsized
because i chose to compromise
with a man wearing a disguise
your plan was always devised
but I’ll meet you at our spot
-king sized
you can fill your bed with anyone.
but who can fill your void?
you’ll never solve the puzzle
-sincerely, the missing piece.
ravenous for praise.
the apex predator.
you feed on the weak.
but never leave satisfied.
your greedy but insatiable.
devoured your feast
how can you be famished?
-taste me and see me why you’ve been starving
there’s things i wanna say to you.
but i’ll just let you be.
you have a way of always avoiding
-accountability
you’ve got walls up
but i know where the windows are
-can i come in?
maybe you do
love me
but only in the dark
when no one’s watching
-conditional.
i wish i was tired of you.
forgiveness, i can’t escape.
they say patience is a virtue,
but it’s a habit i can’t break.
-if i had a dollar for all the times i should have blocked you
the spot i had for you was soft.
made for you, a perfect fit.
delusion is wearing off.
disgust is starting to hit.
gave it all to you, at any cost.
-should have known it wasn’t permanent.
and just like that,
2 steps forward. 10 steps back.
why do i feel comfortable in this trap?
-i hope you run away and never come back
I don't wish you well, that would be too easy.
I wish you self-reflection.
-internal accountability.
i am the girl that learned
to do everything by myself.
to not depend on others to save me.
to fill up my time, or entertain me.
he said to go where i am appreciated, so i went to therapy.
-i’ll send you in the invoice.
in order to heal a wound,
you have to stop touching it.
-i have dermatillomania
thank you for reading! far from perfect but i took up writing as a way to express myself and it really helped me heal and process my emotions <3 thanks guys

I’m so glad this sub exists because I’ve been annoying everyone in my life with my theories about these two … I figured this would be the right place to post my speculation/lyric breakdowns of songs that they may have written about each other, split into different posts for albums for ease of reading.
Starting with Reputation (2017) – I imagine the failed relationship with Matty was still fresh for Taylor during the writing/recording of this album. Her reference to her “longings locked in lowercase inside a vault” definitely made me look back at Rep in a way I hadn’t before (and I do think we’ll see some Matty-coded vault tracks on TV”. That said I don’t want to erase her other relationships, especially with Joe, so I’ll make notes of where I think I’m either stretching for a Matty connection or I think there are multiple muses.
Special mention to “Getaway Car” which feels like another (fictionalized?) response to Robbers but the story she tells is very similar to her fling with Tom, especially given the third man in the song. I usually claim it for the maylors anyway bc who cares about Tom. Let me know what you think.
“...Ready For It?”
Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him / Wonder how many girls he had loved and left haunted / But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom
I can't ignore the connections here to two other songs thought to be written about M - Ghost (2014) and Haunted (2015) by Halsey (I won't bother going into the HalseyMatty lore here but I could in another post...)
"You're a Rolling Stone boy, never-sleep-alone boy / Got a million numbers and they're filling up your phone, boy" (Ghost) "I'm begging you to keep on haunting me" (Haunted) "My ghost / Where'd you go? / I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me" (Ghost)
I can be a phantom holdin' him for ransom / Knew I was a robber first time that he saw me / Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry / But if I'm a thief, then he can join the heist / And he can be my jailer
Robbers is one of The 1975’s most famous songs. In the music video two lovers stick up a convenience store - definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen it. In 2014 M dedicated the song to T in Dallas in November 2017 (a week after she attended the concert in LA) here and here
Burton to this Taylor
One of my favorite references that I think reveals a lot about the messy but irresistible relationship M and T seem to have. Here's a link to a great article about the wild love affair between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.
Every love I've known in comparison is a failure / I forget their names now, I'm so very tame now / Never be the same now
This sentiment is repeated throughout many of the songs I believe are about M. The idea of a life altering love is obviously prevalent across TTPD but also in folklore, evermore, and Midnights. ex. "I'm never gonna love again" (cowboy like me), "I don't remember who I was before you painted all my nights a color I have searched for since" (Question...?), "I felt aglow like this / Never before and never since" (loml)
Also want to mention This Must Be My Dream from 2016, which M has said is about an older gf but may fit: "Let me tell you 'bout this girl / I thought she'd rearrange my world"
No one has to know / In the middle of the night, in my dreams / You should see the things we do, baby
See Guilty as Sin? lol
Baby, let the games begin
Taylor in an interview with Glamour in February 2014:
TS: [Nods. Pauses.] I think everyone should approach relationships from the perspective of playing it straight and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Until he establishes that this is a game. And if it's a game, you need to win. The best thing to do is just walk away from the table.
CL: Is that winning?
TS: It is when they come back. [Laughs.] And if they don't, then they didn't care enough to begin with.
conclusion: I believe ...Ready For It? is a response to Robbers and reveals M and T's similar romanticism (sometimes toxic but so addicting). The mirrored stylization of ...Ready For It? and Question...? makes me think the latter is a continuation of the former. The mentions of “island breeze” and “we’ll move to an island” have made people believe this song is about Tom Hiddleston but other lyrics, namely “younger than my exes” pretty clearly contradicts that.
"End Game"
I wanna be your end game / I wanna be your first string /I wanna be your A-Team
Funny reading this after The Alchemy and So High School.
Big reputation, big reputation / Ooh, you and me, we got big reputations / And you heard about me / Ooh, you and me would be a big conversation
And they were! Especially because T hadn't been really linked to anyone after Harry, the speculation about her and M came hard and fast. M especially was inundated with questions in the months after the LA and NYC shows.
And I heard about you / You like the bad ones, too
Another possible reference to a Halsey song, this time Hurricane from 2014: "He says, "Oh, baby, beggin' you to save me / Well, lately I like 'em crazy/ Oh, maybe, you could devastate me"
I don't wanna touch you, I don't wanna be / Just another ex-love you don't wanna see / I don't wanna miss you / Like the other girls do
Very reminiscent of The 1975's song Somebody Else, released in 2016, speculated to be about T: "I don't want your body / But I hate to think about you with somebody else"
I hit you like bang, we tried to forget it, but we just couldn't
"Flashbacks waking me up / I get drunk, but it's not enough" (Death By A Thousand Cuts)
And I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put 'em
"I circled you on a map / I haven't come around in so long" (The Alchemy)
Reputation precedes me, they told you I'm crazy
"And they tried to warn you about me" (The Albatross)
And I can't let you go, your hand prints on my soul
"Marked me like a bloodstain" (Cardigan)
It's like your eyes are liquor, it's like your body is gold
So many of the songs speculated to be about M reference his eyes but the most relevant (not the starry eyed motif which we'll get to in the future) are: "Eyes like sinking ships on waters / So inviting I almost jump in" (gold rush) and "But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet / Now I'm all for you like Janet" (Snow On The Beach)
"Deep blue, but you painted me golden" (Dancing With Our Hands Tied)
You've been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks / So here's the truth from my red lips
From the same Glamour article, Taylor talking about her 'trick' when dating:
CL: What's the freeze-out?
TS: You don't respond to any of his texts or calls until he does something desperate [like] shows up. Or he calls and leaves a voice mail. Something that makes it very clear to you that he's interested.
disclaimer: I am someone who thinks the Tom relationship was not that serious for T, so this song imo fits what she may have told us about her relationship with M more, though the beach reference does point to Tom in a way.
"Don't Blame Me"
I've been breaking hearts a long time / And toying with them older guys / Just playthings for me to use
See the quotes from the Glamour article above. "Younger than my exes, but he act like such a man, so" (...Ready For It?)
Something happened for the first time / In the darkest little paradise
May refer to the dark concert venue where they met for the first time (see So It Goes... for more)
For you / I would cross the line / I would waste my time / I would lose my mind / They say, "She's gone too far this time."
Sentiment that is repeated throughout TTPD, but most clearly in But Daddy I Love Him
My name is whatever you decide / And I'm just gonna call you mine
Though this could be a stretch, in the spotify storyline for The 1975's Oh Caroline (2022), speculated to be about T, M said "It's an invented character, where the cadence really mattered. It couldn't be "Oh Linda" or "Oh Jane" [or "Oh Taylor"] - you had to have a 3 syllable that really works. I knew what the song was about, I had felt that about someone before and I got to write an episodic, mini movie about the subject"
disclaimer: If about M, this song is very on the nose with the drug references. Generally it's a very vague song and could easily be about Joe or another ex.
"So It Goes..."
See you in the dark / All eyes on you, my magician / All eyes on us / You make everyone disappear
Likely refers to the first time T saw M in person, when she was front row at The 1975's LA show. All eyes were on M then (including T's)
"Once upon a time, the planets and the fates / And all the stars aligned / You and I ended up in the same room / At the same time" (Mastermind)
Tripping, tripping when you're gone
May relate to Don't Blame Me: "Trip of my life / every time you're touching me"
'Cause we breakdown a little / But when you get me alone, it's so simple
Maybe a stretch but M famously had a breakdown on stage in Boston on December 6, 2014. In an interview with the Guardian he said: “There was girl stuff. There was family stuff. There was financial stuff. There was drug stuff. I remember hearing the crowd and having an identity crisis. I thought: ‘If you want to see a show, I’ll give you a fucking show. If you’ve come to see the jester drink himself into a slumber, I’ll give it to you.’ I felt like I’d become an idea as opposed to being a person.”
“And I was 25 and afraid to go outside” (Give Yourself a Try)
And all the pieces fall / Right into place
"I laid the groundwork and then, just like clockwork / The dominoes cascaded in a line" (Mastermind)
Getting caught up in a moment / Lipstick on your face
"I said, "Don't fall in love with the moment" / She said I've got a lot to learn / Don't fall in love with the moment /And think you're in love with the girl" (She's American)
Come here, dressed in black now
"Yeah, we're dressed in black from head to toe" (Chocolate). Taylor was also wearing all black the night of the LA show.
conclusion: You did a number on me / But, honestly, baby, who's counting? / I did a number on you / But, honestly, baby, who's counting? ( "King of My Heart"
We met a few weeks ago / Now you try on callin' me "baby" like tryin' on clothes
The reason why I don't necessarily think Joe fits. They met at the Met Gala in 2017 and she very quickly started seeing Tom, obviously it could still be him but I wanted to note this.
"Don't call me 'kid,' don't call me 'baby' / Look at this idiotic fool that you made me" (illicit affairs)
And you move to me like I'm a Motown beat
M loves Motown, even sampling a track by The Temptations on Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy). He's also always loved dancing, which you can see in the videos for A Change of Heart and Oh Caroline.
Salute to me I'm your American Queen / Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff
He's English, obviously.
And we rule the kingdom inside my room / With all these nights we're spending / Up on the roof with a school girl crush
Totally speculation but M and T hiding out in her NYC home makes a lot of sense from other pieces she has shared about the relationship “My kingdom come undone” (Hoax)
Late in the night, the city's asleep / Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep
Speculation again but fits with the story of M and T as mostly loving each other in secret (see Dancing With Our Hands Tied and Dress)
Is this the end of all the endings? / My broken bones are mending
As mentioned above, T had seemingly taken a break from dating after the breakup with Harry.
disclaimer: Definitely not 100% sure on this one as there is convincing evidence that it is about J
"Dancing With Our Hands Tied"
I, I loved you in secret / First sight, yeah, we love without reason / Oh, 25 years old
M and T were both born in 1989, M was 25 when they first met and dated and T was turning 25.
My, my love had been frozen / People started talking, putting us through our paces / I knew there was no one in the world who could take it / I loved you in spite of / Deep fears that the world would divide us
“A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground / With no one around to tweet it” (The Lakes)
In an interview with the Guardian Matty said: “The day after she’d been to a show of ours, someone sent me a screenshot of E! News with the headline ‘Who is Matt Healy?’ That freaked me out. I’m not ready to indulge in that world and I’m not ready to be judged by that world.” So sad to read knowing that they dealt with a similar situation nearly a decade later.
Picture of your face in an invisible locket
“Wear you like a necklace” (So It Goes…)
And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis
“Now you hang from my lips / Like the Gardens of Babylon / With your boots beneath my bed” (cowboy like me)
I'd kiss you as the lights went out / Swaying as the room burned down / I'd hold you as the water rushes in / If I could dance with you again
Reminds me so much of the music video for cardigan, where T slips into a rough ocean and hangs on to a piano. Also from cardigan: “Leaving like a father / Running like water”
“Dress”
Our secret moments in a crowded room / They got no idea about me and you
"Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room / And every single one of your friends was / Making fun of you" (Question...?)
There is an indentation in the shape of you / Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo
M seemingly makes a lasting impression: “Deep blue, but you painted me golden” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied) “The mark they saw on my collarbone” (Maroon) “Marked me like a bloodstain” (cardigan)
'Cause I don't want you like a best friend
T often seems to refer to a friendship with M, perhaps they tried it a few times: “We were supposed to be just friends” (Glitch) “Like you were my closest friend” (Maroon) “Just say when, I'd play again / He was my best friend / Down at the sandlot” (My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys)
And if I get burned, at least we were electrified
“I'd kiss you as the lights went out / Swaying as the room burned down” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied)
I'm spilling wine in the bathtub / You kiss my face and we're both drunk
Many of the possible M songs refer to M and T’s love of wine. “And I can see us twisted in bedsheets / August slipped away like a bottle of wine” (august) “The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me / And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was (maroon)” (Maroon)
disclaimer - Obviously most likely about Joe given the reference to the 2017 Met Gala but I think it was worth a mention!
“Call It What You Want”
My baby's fly like a jet stream / High above the whole scene
Probably a double-entendre. M considers himself slightly on the outside of the ‘scene’ but this can come across as self assurance. This also could refer to literally being high on drugs
Loves me like I'm brand new
After T’s clever use of The Starting Line in TTPD I’m convinced she’s referring to the band Brand New. M posted a Brand New album on his ig story in 2020.
All my flowers grew back as thorns
An interesting contrast to “I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy” from Don’t Blame Me
Windows boarded up after the storm
“I look through the windows of this love / Even though we boarded them up” (Death By A Thousand Cuts)
I'm laughing with my lover
“Laughing with my feet in your lap” (Maroon) “Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere” (New Year’s Day)
Making forts under covers
Matty famously built a fort in ATPOAIM 3. “I'll build you a fort on some planet / Where they can all understand it” (Down Bad)
Trust him like a brother
“Like I lost my twin” (Down Bad)
Starry eyes sparking up my darkest night
So many starry eyed references which is terribly romantic and terribly sad. “Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?” (High Infidelity), “Your opal eyes are all I wish to see” (ivy), “Eyes full of stars” (cowboy like me), and “Gazing at me starry-eyed” (The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived)
I want to wear his initial on a chain 'round my neck
“Picture of your face in an invisible locket” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied) “Wear you like a necklace” (So It Goes…)
I recall late November, holding my breath
Late November fits perfectly into the timeline of M and T’s 2014 relationship. Late October to Late DecembeEarly January makes the most sense.
Slowly I said, "You don't need to save me / But would you run away with me?"
“You're mad thinking you could ever save me. Not looking like that.” (A Change of Heart)
disclaimer: Again lots of Joe references in this as well so take this with a grain of salt.
“New Year’s Day”
You and me from the night before, but / Don't read the last page
From Me and You Together Song (2020): “I think the story needs more pages, yes.” The reference to “the last page” also makes this song feel like more of a reminiscence than a song about a current lover.
I want your midnights / But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day
Impossible not to reread these lyrics after Midnights was released as a nod to M: “When the morning came we / Were cleaning incense off your / Vinyl shelf ‘cause we lost track of time again” (Maroon)
You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi / I can tell that it's gonna be a long road / I'll be there if you're the toast of the town, babe / Or if you strike out and you're crawling home
Especially after the release of TTPD it seems that both T and M made many promises to each other that they couldn’t keep
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / And I will hold on to you
The reference to memories here creates a bit of a confusing feeling about the muse for this song. Although T seems to be talking in the present tense I do think these are memories and dreams for a past relationship.
“Hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end / Do you think I have forgotten? / Do you think I have forgotten? / Do you think I have forgotten / About you?” (About You)
Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere / Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Not much to say about this but ow!
You and me forevermore
Again reminds me of Me and You Together Song (which I do buy as a song at least partially about T). And of course links to Evermore.
disclaimer: This could absolutely be about Joe but it does feel almost like a goodbye to M, closing the album. It’s as if she is reading “the last page”
Congrats if you read this lol. I clearly have too much time on my hands

Im hotep! I have a friend, who supports me through my journey with Kemeticism and she asked me a funny question today. "Since Anubis can appear in a dream, has anyone ever pet him?" And decided to ask here, cuz i'm genuinely curious if he even would let us do that 😆
Dua netjer!

The Big List

Prices are firm. Please only redeem the portion of a code you are paying for. All codes are for immediate redemption. All Disney & Sony codes include points unless otherwise noted. As of 4/01/2024 all Google Play options have been removed from Disney codes.
I accept Cashapp, Venmo, Zelle & PayPal F&F without any notes. Comment & pm if interested. Thanks!

🦝

MISC

Aquaman & The Lost Kingdom 4K [2023] $6 (MA)
Barbie 4K [2023] $6 (MA)
Batwoman season 1 HD [2019] $6 (Vudu)
Beekeeper, The HD [2024] $7 (Vudu)
Leprechaun 7 Film Collection HD $7 (Vudu)
Supergirl season 5 HD $6 (Vudu)
X-Men Trilogy HD [X-Men, X2 & The Last Stand] $8 (MA)

🦝

$5 4K UHD
Blackkklansman (MA)
John Wick 1-3 (iTunes)

🦝

$4 4K UHD

Big Lebowski, The (iTunes/ports)
Black Panther (MA + 200 points)
Captain Marvel (MA + 200 points)
Despicable Me [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Dredd (Vudu)
Frozen 2 [2019] (MA + 200 points)
Gone Girl [2014] (iTunes/ports)
Guardians Of The Galaxy [2014] (MA + 200 points)
Halloween [2018] (MA)
Jungleland [2020] (iTunes)
Maleficent: Mistress Of Evil (MA + 200 points)
Scream [2022] (Vudu or iTunes)
Silent Night [2023] (Vudu or iTunes)
Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (Vudu or iTunes)
Tangled [2010] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Titanic [1997] (iTunes)

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$5 HD

Adventures Of Ichabod & Mr. Toad, The [1949] (MA + 150 points)
Fear The Walking Dead season 2 (Vudu)
Fear The Walking Dead season 4 (Vudu)
Fear The Walking Dead season 5 (Vudu)
Fear The Walking Dead season 6 (Vudu)
Fear The Walking Dead season 7 (Vudu)
Groundhog Day [1993] + Stripes [1981] double feature (MA)
Hannibal season 2 (Vudu)
Hunchback Of Notre Dame, The [1996] (MA + 150 points)
Hunchback Of Notre Dame 2, The [2002] (MA + 150 points)
Lady & The Tramp II: Scamps Adventure [2001] (MA + 150 points)
Marvels, The [2023] (MA + 150 points)
Oppenheimer (MA)
Rob Zombie Trilogy [House Of 1,000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects [Unrated] & 3 From Hell [Unrated] (MA)
Silent Night, Deadly Night 3,4 & 5 (Vudu)
Undoing, The season 1 [2020] (Vudu)

🦝

$4 HD

300 Spartans, The (MA)
BFG, The [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Blue Beetle, The [2023] (MA)
Bridge Of Spies [2015] (MA + 150 points)
Color Purple, The [2023] (MA)
Drop, The [2014] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Fox & The Hound 2, The [2006] (MA + 150 points)
Indiana Jones & The Dial Of Destiny [2023] (MA + 150 points)
Lady & The Tramp [1955] (MA + 150 points)
Nun II, The [2023] (MA)
Ruby Gillman: Teenage Kraken [2023] (MA)
Sound Of Freedom [2023] (Vudu)

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$3️⃣ Movies

$3 4K UHD

Aladdin [2019] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Baywatch (Vudu)
Birth Of A Nation, The (iTunes/ports)
Bourne Identity, The [2002] (iTunes/ports)
Bourne Ultimatum, The (iTunes/ports)
Cabin In The Woods, The (Vudu)
Doctor Strange (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Frozen 2 [2019] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Guardians Of The Galaxy [2014] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Interstellar (iTunes)
Knives Out (Vudu or iTunes)
Logan Lucky [2017] (iTunes/ports)
Moana (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
mother! [2017] (iTunes)
Robin Hood [2018] (Vudu)
Serenity [2005] (iTunes/ports)
Sicario (Vudu)
Spy Who Dumped Me, The (Vudu or iTunes)
Star Wars: The Last Jedi (MA + 200 points)
Thor: The Dark World (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Top Gun (iTunes)

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$3 HD

Adjustment Bureau, The (iTunes/ports)
Avatar: The Way Of Water (MA + 150 points)
Baby Driver [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, The (MA or Google Play/ports)
Bloodshot [2020] (MA + Sony points)
Call Me By Your Name (MA + Sony points)
Candyman: Day Of The Dead (Vudu or Google Play)
Cats & Dogs 3: Paws Unite (MA)
Devotion [2022] (Vudu HD or iTunes 4K)
Exorcist: Believer, The [2023] (MA)
Fruitvale Station (Vudu)
Glass [2019] (MA)
Goosebumps [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Grand Budapest Hotel, The (MA or Google Play/ports)
Grown Ups 2 (MA + Sony points)
Halloween Kills [2021] (MA)
Hocus Pocus (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Holmes & Watson [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Hundred Foot Journey, The [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Insidious: Chapter 3 (MA + Sony points)
Into The Woods [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (Vudu)
Killing Gunther (Vudu)
Lion King, The [1994] (MA + 150 points)
Little House On The Prairie season 5 (Vudu)
MIB International [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Midsommar [A24] (Vudu or Google Play)
Mindcage (Vudu or iTunes)
Money Monster [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Nurse Jackie season 7 (Vudu)
Orange Is The New Black season 1 (Vudu)
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (iTunes/ports)
Pete's Dragon [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Phantom Thread [2017] (MA)
Planes: Fire & Rescue [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Predator [1987] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Pride + Prejudice + Zombies [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Public Enemies [2009] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Punisher, The [2004] (Vudu or Google Play)
Queen Of Katwe [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Robin Hood [1973] (MA + 150 points)
Scoob! [2020] (MA)
Secret Life Of Pets 2, The [2019] (MA)
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs [1937] (MA + 150 points)
Spider-Man: Across The Spiderverse [2023] (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: Into The Spiderverse (MA + Sony points)
The Secret: Dare To Dream (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Tyler Perry's Diary Of A Mad Black Woman [2005] (Vudu)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail (Vudu or Google Play)
Us [2019] (MA)
Vanishing, The [2019] (Vudu or Google Play)
Venture Bros: Radiant Is The Blood Of The Baboon Heart [2023] (MA)
Violent Night [2022] (MA)
Walking Dead season 9, The (Vudu or Google Play)
Walking Dead season 10, The (Vudu or Google Play)
Way Way Back, The [2013] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Whiplash [2014] (MA + Sony points)

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💲2️⃣ HD

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers Of Benghazi (iTunes 4K)
2 Guns [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K)
31 [2016] (Vudu)
3 From Hell [Unrated] (Vudu 4K or iTunes 4K)
About Last Night [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (MA)
Action Point [2018] (iTunes 4K)
Admission [2013] (iTunes/ports)
Adventures Of Tintin, The (Vudu or iTunes)
After Earth [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Age Of Adaline, The (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Alien Covenant (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA/GP)
Allied [2016] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Aloha [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Alpha [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Alpha & Omega 2: A Howl-lday Adventure (Vudu)
Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Road Chip (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Amazing Spider-Man, The [2012] (MA)
Amazing Spider-Man 2, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
American Girl: Isabelle Dances Into The Spotlight (MA)
American Hustle [2013] (MA + Sony points)
American Reunion [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (Vudu or iTunes)
Annie [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Arrival [2016] (Vudu)
Art Of Self-Defense, The [2019] (MA)
Assassin's Creed (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Atomic Blonde (MA)
Avengers: Infinity War (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Baywatch (iTunes 4K)
Beauty & The Beast [2017] (MA + 150 points/iTunes option is expired)
Beguiled, The [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Beirut [2018] (MA)
Ben-Hur [2016] (Vudu)
Best Man Holiday, The [2013] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Blackhat [2015] (iTunes/ports)
Black Panther [2018] (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Bohemian Rhapsody (MA or Google Play/ports)
Book Club [2018] (iTunes 4K)
Boss Baby, The [2017] (MA)
Bourne Legacy, The (iTunes/ports 4K)
Boy, The [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Boyhood [2014] (iTunes)
Boy Next Door, The [2015] (iTunes/ports)
Breakthrough [2019] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Bridesmaids [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Broken City [2013] (MA)
Bumblebee (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Cabin In The Woods, The (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Captain America: Civil War (MA only/no points or iTunes option)
Captain Phillips [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (MA)
Case For Christ, The [2017] (MA)
Celebrating Mickey (MA/ no points)
Choice, The [2016] (Vudu or iTunes)
Company Of Heroes [2013] (MA)
Concussion [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Contraband (iTunes/ports)
Cowboys & Aliens [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Curse Of Chucky [2013] [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Daddy's Home (iTunes 4K)
Dark Tower, The [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Dead Again In Tombstone [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Dead In Tombstone [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Dead Man Down [2013] (MA)
Deepwater Horizon (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Despicable Me 2 (iTunes/ports 4K)
Despicable Me 3 (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Devil's Due [2014] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Divergent Series: Allegiant, The (iTunes 4K)
Django Unchained (Vudu)
Downsizing (iTunes 4K)
Downton Abbey [2019] (MA)
Dracula Untold (iTunes/ports 4K)
Dragonheart 3: The Sorcerer's Curse (iTunes/ports)
Dredd [2012] (Vudu)
Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas [2000] (MA)
Duff, The (iTunes or Google Play)
Edward Scissorhands (MA or Google Play/ports)
Emoji Movie, The [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Empire State [2013] (Vudu or Google Play)
Ender's Game (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Epic [2013] (MA)
Equalizer, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Equalizer 2, The (MA + Sony points)
Escape From Planet Earth (Vudu)
Everest [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Ex Machina (Vudu)
Exodus: Gods & Kings (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Exposed [2016] (Vudu)
F9: The Fast Saga [2021] [Theatrical & Extended] (MA + Universal Rewards points)
Fast & Furious [2009] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fast & The Furious, The [2001] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift, The (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fate Of The Furious [F8] [Theatrical] (MA 4K)
Fences [2016] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Fifty Shades Darker [2017] [Unrated] (MA 4K)
Fifty Shades Of Grey (iTunes/ports 4K)
Finding Dory (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
First Purge, The [2018] (MA)
Flight [2012] (Vudu or iTunes)
Footloose [2011] (Vudu)
Fortress [2021] (Vudu or Google Play)
Frozen [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K+ 150 points)
Fury [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Game Of Thrones season 3 (iTunes)
Game Of Thrones season 4 (iTunes)
Get Out [2017] (MA)
Ghostbusters [2016] [Theatrical & Extended] (MA + Sony points)
Ghost Team One [2013] (Vudu or iTunes)
Gifted [2017] (MA or Google Play/ports, iTunes option is expired)
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (iTunes 4K)
God Bless The Broken Road (Vudu or Google Play)
Gods Not Dead 2 [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Gods Of Egypt (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Greatest Showman, The [2017] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Great Wall, The [2017] (MA)
Grey, The [2012] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.2 (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Guilt Trip, The [2012] (Vudu)
Hacksaw Ridge (Vudu or Google Play/iTunes option expired)
Hail, Caesar [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters [Unrated] (Vudu or iTunes)
Hateful Eight, The (Vudu or Google Play)
Heat, The [2013] [Theatrical] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Hell Or High Water (Vudu or Google Play)
Hercules [2014] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Hitman's Bodyguard, The (Vudu or Google Play/iTunes option is expired)
Hobbs & Shaw [2019] (MA)
Home [2015] [DreamWorks] (MA)
Home Alone [1990] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Homefront [2013] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Honey 2 [2011] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Hotel Transylvania 2 [2015] (MA + Sony points)
How To Train Your Dragon 2 (MA)
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, The (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The (Vudu)
Huntsman: Winter's War, The [2016] [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
I Am Wrath (Vudu)
Instant Family (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Internship, The [2013] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Interview, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Invisible Man, The [1933] (MA)
I Still Believe [2020] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
It Follows [2015] (Vudu)
Jackass 3 [Theatrical] (Vudu or iTunes)
Jack Reacher (Vudu)
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (Vudu)
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (iTunes 4K)
Jason Bourne [2016] (iTunes/ports 4K)
John Henry [2020] (Vudu)
John Wick (iTunes 4K)
John Wick 1 & 2 (Vudu or Google Play)
John Wick: Chapter 2 (iTunes 4K)
John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum (iTunes 4K) or all 3 for $5
Joy [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle (MA + Sony points)
Jurassic World (iTunes/ports 4K)
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (MA)
Justice [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Kick-Ass 2 [2013] (MA)
Kidnap [2017] (iTunes/ports)
Killer Elite (iTunes/ports)
Kingsman: The Golden Circle (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Kingsman: The Secret Service (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Last Knights [2015] (Vudu)
Last Vegas [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Last Witch Hunter, The [2015] (iTunes 4K or Google Play)
Leprechaun: Origins (Vudu)
Leprechaun Returns (Vudu or Google Play) or both for $3
Let's Be Cops [2014] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Life [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Life Of Pi (iTunes/ports 4K)
Lockout [2012] [Unrated] (MA + Sony points)
Logan [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Lone Survivor [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Longest Ride, The (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Lorax, The [2012] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Love, Simon [2018] (MA)
Lucy [2014] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Maleficent (iTunes/ports 4K + 150 points)
Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again [2018] (MA)
Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom (Vudu)
Marauders (Vudu)
Martian, The [2015] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Mary Poppins [1964] (MA + 150 points)
Mechanic: Resurrection (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Men In Black 3 (MA + Sony points)
MI-5 [2015] (Vudu)
Mile 22 (iTunes 4K)
Mindgamers [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Minions [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Miracles From Heaven (MA + Sony points)
Mission Impossible: Fallout (iTunes 4K)
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (iTunes 4K)
Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Moms’ Night Out [2014] (MA)
Monuments Men, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Mortal Engines [2018] (MA)
Mortal Instruments: The City Of Bones, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Mother's Day [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Mountain Between Us, The [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Mummy, The [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Murder On The Orient Express [2017] (MA or Google Play/ports)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (iTunes/ports)
Neighbors [2014] (iTunes/ports)
Night At The Museum: Secret Of The Tomb (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Noah [2014] (Vudu)
Non-Stop [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Norm Of The North (Vudu or iTunes)
Now You See Me 2 (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Nut Job, The [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Oblivion [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Ouija [2014] (MA)
Overlord [2018] (Vudu)
Oz: The Great & Powerful (MA + 100 points)
Pain & Gain [2013] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity [2009] [Theatrical] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity 2 [Unrated Director's Cut] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity 3 [Extended] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity 4 [Unrated] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones [Theatrical] (iTunes)
Passengers [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Penguins Of Madagascar (MA)
Percy Jackson: Sea Of Monsters (MA or Google Play/ports)
Pet Sematary [2019] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Philomena (Vudu)
Pitch Perfect (iTunes/ports 4K)
Planes: Fire & Rescue (MA without points)
Playing With Fire (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Predator, The [2018] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Project Almanac (iTunes)
Prometheus (MA or Google Play/ports, no iTunes option)
Proud Mary [2018] (MA)
Purge: Anarchy, The (iTunes/ports 4K)
Quiet Place, A [2018] (iTunes 4K)
Ralph Breaks The Internet (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Red Dawn [2012] (Vudu or Google Play)
Redemption [2013] (Vudu)
Replicas [2019] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Riddick [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Rings [2017] (Vudu)
R.I.P.D. Rest In Peace Department (iTunes/ports 4K)
Rise Of The Guardians [2011] (MA)
Risen [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Robin Hood [2018] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Rock Dog (iTunes)
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (iTunes/ports 4K + 150 points)
Roman J. Israel, Esq [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Rush [2013] (MA)
Saban's Power Rangers (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Safe House [2012] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Savages [2012] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Scorpion King 3: Battle For Redemption (iTunes/ports)
Secret Life Of Pets, The (MA 4K or iTunes/ports 4K)
Secret Life Of Walter Mitty, The (MA or Google Play/ports, iTunes option is expired)
Seventh Son [2015] (iTunes/ports)
Sex Tape [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Shack, The [2017] (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Show Dogs [2018] (MA)
Silver Linings Playbook (Vudu or Google Play)
Sing [2016] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Sinister (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Sisters [2015] [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Skyscraper [2018] (MA)
Sleepless [2017] (iTunes/ports)
Snow White & The Huntsman [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Sparkle [2012] (MA)
Spider-Man 2 [2004] [Theatrical & Extended] (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: Homecoming [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: No Way Home [2021] (MA + Sony points)
Split [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K or MA HD)
Spy [2015] [Unrated] (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Star Trek [2009] (iTunes 4K)
Star Trek: Beyond (iTunes 4K)
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Step Up All In [2014] (Vudu)
Step Up Revolution (Vudu or Google Play)
Straight Outta Compton [Unrated] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Super 8 (Vudu)
Super Buddies (MA without points)
Taken 3 [Unrated] (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [2014] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Terminator: Genisys (iTunes 4K)
The Night Before [2015] (MA + Sony points)
This Is The End [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Top Five [2014] (iTunes)
Top Gun (Vudu)
Total Recall [2012] [Theatrical & Director's Cut] (MA + Sony points)
Tower Heist [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Tremors: A Cold Day In Hell (MA)
True Grit [2010] (Vudu or iTunes)
Tyler Perry's Acrimony (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Tyler Perry's A Madea Family Funeral (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (iTunes 4K)
Uncle Drew [2018] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Underworld: Blood Wars (MA + Sony points)
Vendetta [2016] (Vudu)
Venom [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Walk Among The Tombstones, A (iTunes/ports)
Walking With Dinosaurs: The Movie (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
War Room [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Why Him? [2016] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Wolf Of Wall Street, The (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Woman In Black, The [2012] (MA)
Wonder [2017] (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Wonder Park [2019] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Woodlawn [2015] (MA or iTunes/ports)
X-Men: Apocalypse (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
X-Men: Days Of Future Past (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Your Highness [2011] [Unrated] (iTunes/ports)
Zootopia (MA without points)

🦝

💲2️⃣ SD

12 Rounds [2009] [Extreme Cut] (iTunes/ports)
Aliens In The Attic (iTunes/ports)
Amelia (iTunes/ports)
Beasts Of The Southern Wild (iTunes/ports)
Black Swan (iTunes/ports)
Date Night [Unrated Extended Edition] (iTunes/ports)
Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears A Who! (ITunes/ports)
In Time [2011] (iTunes/ports)
Percy Jackson double feature [Lightning Thief & Sea of Monsters] (MA)
Ramona & Beezus (iTunes/ports)
Street Kings (iTunes/ports)
Three Stooges: The Movie, The [2012] (iTunes/ports)

🦝

$1 Codes

💲1️⃣ HD

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers Of Benghazi (Vudu)
2 Guns (MA)
Alex Cross (Vudu)
Bad Grandpa [Theatrical] (Vudu or iTunes)
Bad Moms (iTunes/ports)
Battleship [2012] (MA)
Big Hero 6 (Google Play/ports)
Book Club (Vudu)
Bourne Legacy, The (MA)
Bring It On: Worldwide Cheersmack [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Deadpool (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA/GP)
Divergent (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Divergent Series: Insurgent, The (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Duff, The [2015] (Vudu)
Dying Of The Light (Vudu)
Everest [2015] (MA)
Expendables 2, The (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Expendables 3, The [Theatrical] (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Fast & Furious [2009] (MA)
Fast & Furious 6, The [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fast & The Furious, The [2001] (MA)
Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift, The (MA)
Fast Five [Extended] (MA)
Fate Of The Furious, The [8] [Theatrical or Extended] (MA)
Fault In Our Stars, The [2014] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA/GP)
Frozen: Sing Along Edition (MA without points)
Furious 7 [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Ghost In The Shell [2017] (Vudu)
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (Vudu)
Girls Trip [2017] (MA)
Good Day To Die Hard, A [2012] [Extended] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Hidden Figures [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Hillsong: Let Hope Rise [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Hugo (Vudu)
Hunger Games, The [2012] (iTunes 4K)
Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The (iTunes 4K)
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, The (Vudu)
Huntsman: Winter's War, The [2016] [Extended] (MA)
Identity Thief [2013] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
I, Frankenstein (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Inside Out [2015] (Google Play/ports)
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (Vudu)
Jason Bourne (MA)
Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain (Vudu)
Les Misérables [2012] (MA)
Let's Be Cops [2014] (MA only/no iTunes option)
Lucy (MA)
Mission Impossible: Fallout (Vudu)
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Vudu)
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (Vudu) or both for $2.50
Now You See Me [Extended] (Vudu or iTunes)
Parental Guidance [2012] (MA)
Perks Of Being A Wallflower, The (Vudu or Google Play)
Pitch Perfect (MA)
Purge, The [2013] (MA)
Quiet Place, A [2018] (Vudu)
Red 2 (Vudu)
Ride Along [2014] (MA)
Ride Along 2 (MA)
RIPD Rest In Peace Department (MA)
Safe [2012] (Vudu or Google Play)
Secret Life Of Pets, The (MA)
Selma (iTunes)
Skyfall (Vudu or Google Play)
Snitch (iTunes 4K or Vudu/Google Play HD)
Star Trek: Beyond (Vudu)
Star Trek: Into Darkness (iTunes 4K)
Taken 2 (MA or Google Play/ports)
Ted [Unrated] (MA) or [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Terminator: Genisys (Vudu)
Transformers: Age Of Extinction (iTunes 4K)
Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Vudu)
Trolls [2017] (MA)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (iTunes 4K)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection (iTunes)
Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor (Vudu or Google Play)
Unbroken [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Warm Bodies (Vudu)
What To Expect When You're Expecting (iTunes)
World War Z (Vudu)
Zootopia (Google Play/ports)

🦝

💲1️⃣ SD

21 Jump Street (MA + Sony points)
22 Jump Street (MA + Sony points)
Act Of Valor (iTunes)
After Earth [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Alpha [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Amazing Spider-Man 2, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
American Hustle [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Bad Boys For Life [2020] (MA + Sony points)
Big Mommas Like Father, Like Son (iTunes/ports)
Captain Phillips (MA + Sony points)
Charlie's Angels [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2 [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Concussion [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Dirty 30 (Vudu)
Dog's Way Home, A [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Equalizer, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Equalizer 2, The (MA + Sony points)
Evil Dead [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Family, The [2013] (iTunes)
Family Guy: Blue Harvest (iTunes)
Family Guy: It's A Trap (iTunes)
Forbidden Kingdom, The (iTunes)
Glee: The Concert (iTunes/ports)
Goosebumps 2 [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Grown Ups 2 (MA + Sony points)
Hangover, The [2009] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Haywire (iTunes)
Heat, The [2013] (iTunes/ports SD)
Hereafter [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Here Comes The Boom [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Hitchcock [2012] (iTunes/ports)
Hotel Transylvania 3 (MA + Sony points)
Hours [2013] (Vudu)
Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs (iTunes/ports)
Immortals [2011] (iTunes)
Insidious: Chapter 3 (MA + Sony points)
Insidious: The Last Key (MA + Sony points)
Interview, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Journey To Bethlehem [2023] (MA + Sony points)
Jumanji: The Next Level (MA + Sony points)
Knight & Day (iTunes/ports)
Life As We Know It (iTunes/ports)
Looper (MA + Sony points)
Men In Black III [2012] (MA + Sony points)
MIB International [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Mirror Mirror [2012] (iTunes)
Mortal Instruments: The City Of Bones (MA + Sony points)
Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian (iTunes/ports)
Once Upon A Time In Hollywood [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Olympus Has Fallen (MA + Sony points)
Orange Is The New Black season 1 (Vudu)
Overcomer [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Parker [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Passengers [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (iTunes/ports)
Perfect Guy, The [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Perks Of Being A Wallflower, The (iTunes SD only)
Peter Rabbit [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Pixels [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Predators [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Public Enemies [2009] (iTunes/ports)
Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (iTunes/ports)
Robin Hood [2010] [Unrated] (iTunes/ports)
Safe Haven (iTunes)
Scoob [2020] (MA)
Shallows, The [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Sicario: Day Of The Soldado (MA + Sony points)
Sparkle [2012] (MA)
Spider-Man: Far From Home [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: Into The Spiderverse (MA + Sony points)
Spider-Man: No Way Home [2021] (MA + Sony points)
Star, The [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Still Alice [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Taken [2009] [Extended Cut] (iTunes/ports)
Thousand Words, A [2012] (Vudu)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Vudu SD only or iTunes SD only)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Tough Love (Vudu)
Underworld: Awakening (MA + Sony points)
Venom (MA + Sony points)
Venom: Let There Be Carnage (MA + Sony points)
Vow, The [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Water For Elephants (iTunes/ports)
When The Bough Breaks (MA + Sony points)
Zombieland: Double Tap (MA + Sony points)

🦝

Super Cheap SD & HD Codes

All movies are 3 for $1 each/must spend at least $1 on total order.
Cabin In The Woods, The (Vudu SD only)
Croods, The (iTunes/ports SD)
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (iTunes/ports SD)
Expendables 2, The (Vudu SD only or iTunes SD only)
Expendables 3, The [Unrated] (iTunes HD only)
Fast & Furious 6 [Extended] (MA ports HD)
Fast Five [Extended] (iTunes/ports HD)
Furious 7 [Extended] (MA ports HD)
Hunger Games, The (Vudu SD or iTunes SD only)
Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The (Vudu HD only)
Internship, The [2013] (iTunes/ports SD)
John Wick 3 (Google Play HD only)
Jurassic World (MA ports HD)
Life Of Pi (iTunes/ports SD)
Mechanic: Resurrection (Vudu SD only)
Now You See Me 2 (Vudu SD only)
Star Trek: Into Darkness (Vudu HD only)
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (Google Play/ports HD)
Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Vudu HD only)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (Vudu SD only or iTunes SD only)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Vudu SD only)
Warm Bodies (iTunes SD only)

I have a problem. I am addicted to knowledge. I believed in the myths of the 1989s and 90s. NBC said "The more you know..." One of my former attorneys told me that I am too smart for my own good. How funny is it that the people we give power over us are the ones we need to defend ourselves against. I stayed in a horrible marriage too long. I should have never married him the second time. That being said, I am grateful for the life I lived. The song says "I could have missed the pain, but I'd a had to miss the dance... it's MY life, and it's better left to chance.". I don't believe in chance or fate. I believe that we have a certain measure of control over our lives and we allow others to derail us. What we do about that impact is a choice. I choose to be the captain of my own vessel until the river runs dry. No lawyer, no judge, no man, and no institution will force me to do anything else that is not for my own good or for the good of my family. Everywhere I go, I am turned away. I sat in an ER having a reaction to spider bites. I drove myself to an ER 2 hours from home because the ER here said nothing was wrong. I did call the individual who should have driven me, but he could not leave work he said. Funny how quickly he runs to help a woman he thinks will inherit money some day. When I got to the ER, I could barely breathe and had lost sensation in my hands and arm. I am not a doctor but know the difference between an ant bite and a venomous spider bite. And no, you don't feel a Brown Recluse bite. You will certainly feel a Black Widow bite IF bitten by an adult spider. Spiders are not insects, and if we are going to practice medicine, then we need to learn that yes, there is a difference between a 2, 4, or 6 leg creature and one with 8 or more legs. I was told there are no species of insects in this state that are poisonous. Well venom and poison are not the same thing and arthropods, arachnids, and serpents all have venomous species in this state. But if you really want to be technical about it, yes, there are poisonous insects in this state as well. Certain species of beetles have a coating on their exoskeleton that poison predators that eat them. I should sue that hospital, but when I try to do so, I am told constantly about statute of limitations. Well, that would be correct unless we are discussing a conspiracy. If even one party of a conspiracy is an employee of the business or government involved in the series of crimes which include a cover up of epic proportions, then the statute clock does not begin into the last probable occurrence of the group. Preventing someone from seeking legal counsel is the main reason statute of limitations cease to apply in all jurisdictions. Considering my 5g gateway I hold in my hand is alerting me that my IP address is being traced and altered, I am documenting that the time clock has not started ticking on this knowledge bomb. My confession here is that I have procrastinated in filing paperwork necessary to begin the next phase of my life. I don't intend to procrastinate, but it is something I cannot help. I have attention deficit disorder with hyperdiatractability. Oh yes, I thought you might bring that up. My ex-userband is a master manipulator when it comes to taking genuine disabilities and twisting them to fit his current need. Like using the multiple personality possibility to steal and then say it must have been one of the others living in my head. The truth is that I do have multiple entities dwelling within me. He is no longer living rent free in my head. And he of all people should have known better than to try to hurt me and my family. He knows good and well what I am capable of. Why in the hell would he or any of my close degree relatives even think about throwing me to the wolves? Think about that for a minute. He says I am unstable. He says I am dangerous. He says I am a genius. My doctor has said he fears for the world if I ever have a breakdown. Lol. A weapon of mass destruction? Come on you idiots. I am not a villain. And the AI shit can create crap about Darth Vader being a good guy and laugh all they want. I don't blackmail people or take money in romance schemes. What are you talking about now? I am talking about the tangled web we mortals weave that is host to a very dangerous arachnid. I don't know how to write code or do math. I don't know anything about the occult arts nor do I need to. I believe in one philosophy that you should read about a cave. The allegory in which we wage war with ourselves and have to ultimately decide to be or not to be. So why would anyone who knows me choose to strike against me? That would be me. They did not betray me. I stepped in front of them myself to make myself the target. There's your confession my dears. Clueless? Still don't know what the hell I am talking about? Let me ask you a question about something I observed once. Do you know what a dead ringer is ? How many kids do you see in the yard playing horseshoes or volleyball or hopscotch or anything? How are the enrollment numbers for youth sports in your area? How many 4-H clubs exhibit in your local fair? What is the pH level in the community pool? So if you can't make a profit from it, then it is something that should be eliminated or monetized? Well I guess I am the idiot here. I actually don't think like that. I would rather have a generation of healthy children who learn morals and ethics than to be a billionaire. Ever watched the movie Congo? Yeah, I am that level of crazy. You think I care about the money? I will not hesitate to burn every dollar I could possibly ever own to stop the children from being hurt by us. You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. Because the truth is that I am a good woman who loves very deeply and cares about people regardless of ethnicity or national origin. And that pisses people off like nothing else will. And that is the absolute truth. You didn't earn any right to be born in a free country any more than a child born in the deepest jungles of an unpronounceable country did anything wrong to be porn into starvation. You are no better than that person. So call me what you want to call me. But if I were you, I would not call me at all. Go ahead and tell me more about what I can and cannot do. Because the entire time you are busy searching for the next thing you can find online about me, the less time you are handling your own affairs and that allows the chance for something to invade your life. One. One chance. That's all I needed. Your motion for mercy has been denied. Well thank you for your consideration. Have a good day. Oh, and one more thing, how do you feel about NPR? Are those radio waves still available for broadcast? Or would you like to sell those to private investors as well? One chance. Lord give me one chance for a fair fight. You are not going to get me to do something that gives you the chance to shoot me or arrest me unless you intend to do so in a public place such as the private property you call county land, aka, my front porch. And the next time that happens, please allow me to call my father instead of unlocking my phone to call the ex-husband using my own device that you somehow unlocked using the passcode. And that was the one you actually needed, sir. How ironic that you gave that gateway to the man who broke it beyond repair. You did that. I'm done with money. I'm done with the man. And I am done trying to prove myself. Charge me now with whatever you think you have or make sure everyone connected to your organization ends all active tracking of us. I don't need a phone or any piece of paper to make my case. That's where you and whomever snatches my device to transfer shit doesn't understand. Yahoo! Yippee kai yah mother fuckers. Pass it on around. You want to go one more round? Or do you want to run? I'm not using Google on my train. I'm on my bridge. I'm using free tokens. I'm not doing anything more than playing a game using cartoon characters. And those Xs are beacons using analytics for the trackers to pinpoint the ones who joined the conspiracy against us. Just because you logged me out and changed my information to your information doesn't work. I asked you to give it back. You ignored me. Fine. Keep it. You want to be famous and rich beyond your wildest dreams? Be my guest, but don't say I didn't warn you what would happen. I can't stop it. I didn't start it. Rufus=the time traveler with a phone booth. James=King James. Travis=country music singer. Don=American Pie. Jerry=Maguire. Tom=Hanks. Bridge=the bifrost. And you can waste your time trying to figure it out but you will never do so. Because there is no "it ". Lmao. Hell yeah. The multiverse is full on all servers. Damn. Looks like I'm not as crazy as you made me out to be. All freaking servers on the Dark Web that bridges the US and Japan are full. Not one vacancy to let me play my game. Wow. I wonder how many of these players are from within the same state as me. Why do so many of you keep running up to St. Louis? That's not the geoblock zone anymore. You better get outside the continental US and any outlying territories if you want to be on the real web. The former president said it would crash harder than it did in 1929 if he was not elected. Wtf is that supposed to mean? Damn let me get a history book and look that up. Maybe it hasn't changed yet. But let me warn you about time travel. If anyone ever tells you to write an email to yourself in the future, call Interpol and file a report. That's a violation of international law. And it will get you on the list even if it is an assignment. Bet I don't do that again. Gee, Roger. You made me an international fugitive for that assignment. Wish I knew who to call for help on that one. Damn. Never trust anyone who is so well organized to guide your future. You never know what to expect from the shock waves. I opened the damn email on June 3, 2020. The day I died. How ironic. I wonder what would have happened if I had not received that email. Scary. But back to the spider bites...I didn't get help from that ER either. I ended up buying a knife and an onion. Actually I ordered Arby's, used the onion off my sandwich, and the knife to open my horsey sauce. I put the onion on my hand, wrapped it using the plastic from the knife, and several days later, the venom had drained from my hand enough that the swelling in my feet was going down and my blood pressure was returning to normal. Baby black widows don't have the kick mama does, but they are 1,000 times more deadly because they don't know how much of their spit to stick in you. And your earlobe and nostril don't have a pulse in them, by the way. So keep on bullshitting with the fake crap. If you have insurance for something highly unlikely to occur prior to the occurrence, doesn't that mean that you have a sixth sense and can predict the volcanic eruption that spewed counterfeit currency all over the state without a volcano? 💩♾️😱 Damn girl, just shut up and let them have it. I tried that. They keep trying to send it back to me when they can't make it work. It is never going to work again because you idiots changed everything so much that it can't be fixed. And that is all I am going to say about it ever because you don't want help. You want someone to do it for you so you can blame that person when it fails and cut them out when it succeeds. No. There's no solution. I'm not sure if you even know there's a problem. You will. But don't ask anyone for help when you do figure out how bad things already are. I am disinclined to aquiese to your request on grounds of I don't give a damn. Haha. What else do you want me to confess to for you to add to that admission you started in 2020? That's so funny that I forgot to laugh. I wonder how bullshit sounds in Morse code pinging on nft relays from me to you. Oh yeah. Well here's your tip for the day, big guy. You are not a good person. You are a bully. And some day, someone will knock you off that horse and when you land in shit just like me, I hope someone hands you hand sanitizer and a baby wipe. 😘

About six months ago, in November, I started my journey through the "Chronicles of Chrestomanci," which of course are not really a series as much as a collection of books which all take place in the same set of universes. I read everything in order of publication, posting my thoughts here each time, and with the completion of this book I am now all the way through these wonderful novels. Please forgive my lack of direct quotes this time--having read nothing else for fun besides these books for six months, I found my note-taking capacity to be somewhat diminished. Maybe in the future I'll write a more detailed review.
The Pinhoe Egg is the final Chrestomanci book, whether you're reading them in order of publication or chronologically. I have no doubt Diana Wynne Jones did not intend this to be a "series" with a beginning and end; rather, I assume she simply got several book ideas that took place in this world, and this happened to be the last time before she died. It is sheer luck, then, that this last book is a sort of grand culmination of them both thematically and narratively, and possibly the best of the lot.
We start, typically, with a new protagonist, Marianne Pinhoe, and a new locale, the small rural village of Ulverscote, located a stone's throw from Chrestomanci Castle and Helm St. Mary. I liked that we got a little more background about this area throughout the book. When I go back to reread Charmed Life, I'm looking forward to putting it all into this new context.
Marianne became a favorite character almost instantly, and I was hooked on her storyline right from the beginning. Jones has a typically virtuosic opening sequence, wasting no time in establishing the key characters and launching into a dreadfully funny episode telling of Marianne's grandmother (who is also a kind of matriarch or "Gammer" over all the Pinhoes) apparently abruptly developing dementia and being forcibly removed from her home. There is black comedy galore here, all painfully adjacent to the real experience of making arrangements for a feeble or senile parent, as when Gammer is so averse to leaving her home that she roots herself in the bed, complete with actual roots. Meanwhile, Gammer's brothers and many children squabble over who gets to live in her house and where her belongings will go.
I mentioned before how Jones is always surprising me with the variety of formal structures and writing styles she employs. I thought I had figured out her game here, and was sure it was going to be similar to Conrad's Fate, where a new protagonist gradually makes their way into meeting familiar characters. But of course, Jones neatly sidesteps all reader expectation and switches tracks suddenly a few chapters in, focusing on Cat Chant as a second, equal protagonist, and revealing this book to be, among other things, the true sequel to Charmed Life--published 29 real-life years later. Jones then begins alternating between Cat and Marianne unevenly, and sometimes even from sentence to sentence, as in Witch Week. Her sleight of hand is sly and clever, and the craftsmanship is remarkable. Hats off--each of the seven books in this series reads totally differently. Jack of all trades, master of all, our Diana.
Jones stacks on the themes this time. We of course get some of her usual preoccupations, particularly with that of unreliable families. The Pinhoes may be the worst of the lot, or at least the most upsetting, because while in most of the other books the dysfunction is obvious, things are more insidious here. The reader is actually led (through Marianne's obedient, rule-following perspective) to see Harry, Cecily, Gammer, and most of the uncles and aunts as well-meaning individuals who care for one another. However, as in Charmed Life (and Cat himself draws the comparison), as the book goes on and Marianne becomes more independent, it becomes increasingly difficult for her, and for us, to justify their cruel behavior. It is genuinely devastating when Marianne figures out what's going on halfway through the book, decides to approach the adults in her life about it, and is laughed off or outright punished by all of them. There is a familiar scene at the end of the book: Marianne's and Joe's talents are vindicated by Chrestomanci and they are given the opportunity to nurture their skills in an education apart from parents who hold them back by refusing to understand or accept them. Replace the current Chrestomanci with the previous acting Chrestomanci, Gabriel de Witt, and you have the same scene as the end of Conrad's Fate. The detail that Marianne and Joe still go home and see their parents regularly is brutally realistic, Marianne able to convince her mother to soften on some issues, but ultimately failing to truly connect with her father. This seems to me the ultimate conclusion of the obsession with family dynamics in the Chronicles of Chrestomanci--that your family will always be there, like them or not, whether or not a true understanding can ever be reached. I'm not ashamed to say I cried through the last couple chapters of the book, and found the first line Jones has written that made me audibly sob. This was a feeling from childhood I didn't even know I had forgotten:

[Marianne] was depressed and worried. Dad was never going to understand and never going to forgive her. And Gaffer had still not turned up. On top of that, school started on Monday week. Though look on the bright side, she thought. It'll keep me away from my family, during the daytime at least.

As in Conrad's Fate, the potential toxicity of religion crops up here, in a bigger way than ever. The last act of the book is barely disguised by its magical trappings: what we have here is a group of devout, religious conservatives, being shown the harmful effects of their actions, and blindly rejecting all of the proof and logic in front of them in favor of enforcing rules and laws that keep them comfortable. There is no doubt that the next generation of Pinhoes will be just as subject to the old traditions, in spite of Marianne and Joe breaking free. That the Reverend Pinhoe is portrayed as a hapless and kind man, ignorant to most of the wrongdoing in the village, does little to soften the point of Jones's pencil here. As I said, I was startled by how moved and devastated I was by this final section, recognizing all of the real-world pain in this fantastical setting.
Jones has always been steadfastly protective of those who cannot speak up for themselves, as with the character of Cat who finds it difficult to recognize and verbalize his feelings. This time, borrowing from a kind of Shinto animism, Jones includes the concept of Dwimmer, a magic that is focused on the life force within all creatures and plants. There is no debate where Jones stands on this--her deepest and most profound sympathies lie with Cat, who can't bear to imagine his horse Syracuse chopped into dog meat, who frets over Klartch's wellbeing when out of his sight, and who firmly refuses to apologize for releasing all the goblinlike fairy folk from their bindings. There is no direct intimation of endangered species, global warming, or human-caused environmental destruction in this book, as you might expect in this kind of setup (I suspect Jones was too clever to resort to trite metaphors). However, in a fascinating twist, a plot detail revolves around the Pinhoes and Farleighs erecting a barrier in the forest to contain the magical creatures, making the forest feel empty and incomplete in the process--a magical, but also literal, instance of deforestation. Motives of plants, herbs, and trees, both good and evil, carry through the book as well. Jason and Gaffer Elijah Pinhoe, as well as Cecily, are handy with plants and tend large gardens. The Farleighs' and Pinhoes' spells tend to take the form of small bags of weeds and branches as well. Interestingly, and insightfully, the natural world is portrayed as difficult as well: Gammer grows roots to impede her family's mission, and the vile Gaffer Farleigh morphs into a stubborn, gnarled, immovable petrified oak when Cat works a spell forcing him to assume his true form.
This was one of the most enjoyable books in the Chrestomanci series, and it was bittersweet to close the door on the Pinhoes. I like that the continuity between these books is vague and tenuous, so I'm free to imagine all sort of side goings-on, like what might happen to Marianne and Cat later in life, or whether Conrad and Christopher remained friends, or what Roger and Julia thought when their dad told them all about the events at the academy in Witch Week. Howl's Moving Castle is still the book closest to my heart, and will forever be the Diana Wynne Jones I read over and over, recommending to anyone unfortunate enough to strike up a conversation about books with me, but I am so glad that I found the time to welcome Chrestomanci and all his strange acquaintances into my heart, too.
Here's my personal ranking of the Chronicles of Chrestomanci, but please note I love all of these books and a low ranking does not mean I don't like the book. I have to put that there because there's always someone who doesn't understand that last place doesn't mean bad or worst. I'm not including the short stories individually because it's impossible for me to weigh a short story against a novel, whereas a large collection seems to make sense to me. I also must admit that the top three, especially the top two, were really difficult to place and I more or less love them equally.

1. Conrad's Fate
2. The Pinhoe Egg
3. Charmed Life
4. Mixed Magics
5. The Magicians of Caprona
6. Witch Week
7. The Lives of Christopher Chant

My next Jones book will be -- drumroll, please -- Archer's Goon, though I'm taking a break for some adult reading during the summer. While I'm in a school semester I can pretty much only manage to read children's fantasy, so I'll see you all come August or September. :) Thanks to those of you who have been reading and following my journey from start to finish. I would love to chat more about this book and this series.
Oh, and finally... ALL SPOILERS ALLOWED!

Cross-posted from AOAIBetrayeds. AOAIBetrayeds is an online peer support group and safe space reserved for betrayed individuals who are considering, actively attempting to, or have reconciled after infidelity. If you feel you would benefit from a more private supportive sub for only betrayed people, message the mods at AOAIBetrayeds or send me a DM.
It's been 2 months since I posted an update so I think it is time.
Context: Me: 59m. Her: 55f. Married 33 years, together 36. WW had a full on EA bookended with multiple sexual PA's (1 in Dec, 2022 and 3 in Sept, 2023 (last 2 on Dday). She then pretended to go NC with AP for an additional 5 months which created Dday #2 in February. Read my story and updates using my profile for posts if you want to see background.
https://www.reddit.com/useDiscardbobulated/submitted/
NO ADVICE PLEASE: Just like last time I posted, and the time before that, I am processing all of this stuff, and working with my therapist and my support group closely, so I will ask for advice only when I think I need it and when I think I am ready to receive it. Right now, I just thought I’d post an update for those who might be following along or anyone for whom my story resonates. I hope you’re OK.
I can use reassurance. I have asked for no advice because I am all full-up with advice that I am taking and utilizing. More and/or different advice will potentially muddy my process and have my approach blurred. Reassurance though? Bring it on. We all need it. Sometimes directly and sometimes just by being here and reading the stories of others. Reassure me.
As many of you know, I was dealt a huge blow the day after Valentine’s Day. That’s 3 months ago today for those of you keeping track. My wife, with whom I was 5.5 months into ‘reconciliation’ with, came clean and told me that she was still in contact with her AP for the entirety of that span of time.
The revelation of The Big Lie as I refer to it now, even with my wife, was in incredibly damaging hit to the idea of reconciliation. It was as shattering, if not MORE shattering as the original affair revelation. Big lies, little lies, untruths, the masking of truth, the omission of truth…all are devastating to the traumatized betrayed. If you know anything of the effects of trauma (as most of you do I am sure), you know that each lie usually triggers a trauma response, and each trauma response piles into a vast storage area in your brain where it pools and stays ready to fuck you up every time it’s poked. And mine was poked A LOT in the last 3 months. A LOT.
I started the ‘last 3 months’ phase of this journey with this huge setback that was The Big Lie. It reset our progress to zero in some cases. If you look at some things, like my ability to control the PTSD events, then that progress was still in effect. (I was still able to recognize the PTSD event coming on and sometimes get control of it before spiraling out of control). If you look at the timeline of physical sexual events, that didn’t change. If you take into account all the books and articles read, all the podcasts and audiobooks listened to, and all the hours spend by me in IC, then then those items were (mostly) still intact.
But you know what was now absolutely fucking GONE?
~T R U S T~
I had spent that first 5.5 months learning to trust again as we were working our way through reconciliation. You can look back at my post history prior to February, 2024 and see a solid progression of trust being built, of confidence being regained, and of affection, sexuality, appreciation, and friendship being rebuilt.
ALL of that was 100% GONE in ONE moment. GONE.
LIES are destructive. Secondary Dday lies like this one are DEEPLY destructive.
Trust is often cited as the most important ingredient in a personal relationship. How can we even begin to consider something as gigantic as a marriage reconciliation when trust has been completely blown up? I don’t have an answer to that. I am looking for it.
You know what was also lost at the point of the revelation of The Big Lie?
Hope. Optimism. Self-esteem. Admiration. Lust. Attraction. Affection. All gone.
My feelings of these things were returning in slivers over those 5.5 months after Dday and now they were just GONE.
Replacing these feelings were different feelings I had. Now I was feeling: Helpless. Worthless. Inadequate. Unloved. Betrayed. Devastated. Like a Chump. Belittled. Emasculated. Unworthy. Ugly. Undesirable …and incredibly MANIPULATED.
She had spent this time manipulating me into complacency while she continued to carry on her affair in the form of regular communication with ‘her friend’ AP. They talked on the phone regularly, texted regularly. All the while she was putting forth what I THOUGHT was EFFORT into our reconciliation, but was really just a collection of actions that were meant to placate me.
The Fake R time, as I now know it, included: I love you’s. Hand holding. Sex. Apologies. Forward thinking. Plans. I was feeling like PROGRESS was happening. I was still experiencing the PTSD events. Still having times when I would lash out in anger at her for what she had done, but those awful things were decreasing in intensity and frequency and I was thankful for that.
I was able to see what reconciliation looks like.
Only I wasn’t. It was all a sham. Now that she is not in contact with him (I hope and believe), she has stopped the hand holding (mostly). Not one ‘I love you’ in the past 3 months. The hugs I used to get now feel like the hugs you’d give a kid with a scraped knee. The feeling of being wanted and being on a path to something better has been obliterated. And sex? 2-3 times a week during the Fake R has become 1 time in the last 3 months.
So now, after the revelation of The Big Lie I am left with a VERY odd feeling. A feeling like what I WANT BACK is the pre-Big-Lie actions. The ‘I Love You’s’, the hand holding, the sex…
But since I now know these as things that were done to manipulate me, I really DON’T want them back. What I want is something that I have not yet seen: An honest reconciliation and the actions that come with that. And now that my mind has suffered the mind-fuck rollercoaster of the last 8 months, I don’t even know what honest reconciliation looks like. My perception is fucked up. I no longer can think accurately about this stuff because of the gaslighting. It’s hard to even describe the feeling of disconnection with my own reality.
A METAMORPHOSIS The changes in how she was treating me now that she no longer has AP in her back pocket as a ‘friend’ to talk to are stark. She has expressed that the sex was just to placate me. That she can’t feel good about US anymore because she doesn’t have knowledge of how HE is doing anymore. She cannot “live her good life” with me because she doesn’t know if HE is able to “have a good life”. She is NO CONTACT with him, but clearly some of her still has a connection to him. That hurts.
During these last 3 months I have gone from non-functioning to confused to (almost) accepting. Along the way I have passed ANGRY, DEVASTATED, DEFEATED, and a hundred other negative emotions.
I also spent nearly all of my time doing what ALL us betrayeds do. I tried to get her to UNDERSTAND MY PAIN. I wanted her to really know what she has done to me. Not just what she did with the affair, but with the aftermath of the affair and the 5.5 months that I was trying to regain trust in her and she was faking R with me so that she could continue her EA with HIM. I was CONSTANTLY wanting her to HURT because I thought that if she could HURT like I HURT then she could understand my pain and come to really know what it is she has done. And if she could get to THAT place, then surely she would finally find the shame and guilt that I think she deserves to bear.
The problem is that even with all my effort to explain to her in words, in mental breakdowns, in PTSD trauma events, in triggers, sadness, crying and constant malaise, nothing was changing.
She wasn’t displaying any of the remorse, guilt and shame that I want from her. She wasn’t giving me any of the actions or words she was giving me during Fake R. She wasn’t holding my hand. She wasn’t saying I love you. She wasn’t touching me or having sex with me. She was just enduring my wrath.
During the last time that I sat with her and had a Q&A about how she could do this and all the same questions that I have asked before and my saying again how hurt I was and how it was ALL HER FAULT and how I thought she should feel SHAME I ended up feeling a little tranquil. I felt like maybe I had told her enough times. I didn’t know if she fully understood like I wanted her to but I thought that we were at a place where MORE of this was going to do NOTHING. After all, almost 3 months of it hadn’t YET produced anything, why would MORE have any potential for positive progress.
So I had a thought. What if I just treated her nicely? What if I stopped with the finger wagging and the name calling and the ‘why me’s’ and the angry lashing out. What if I instead tried to hold HER hand occasionally? What if I just WASN’T adversarial? Could that help? Could that get her to see me differently? Could that get ME to see me differently? Could that reset my mind and get me out of the victim moment and into some undefined type of recovery?
I wondered to myself if I had it in myself to let those things go. I wondered if I was CAPABLE of not being so fucking angry at her for what she had done. I mean, we both are clearly aware of what she has done and what it has caused in me, so I don’t have to restate that over and over and over again, DO I?
I took this question with me to IC.
IC reframed it in a way that resonated with me somehow. She said: “Look, you’ve spent a lot of time ‘spinning’, trying to make heads or tails of your predicament. Trying to get her to love you again. Trying to find connection with her. Why? Because you love her. Isn’t that the entire point? If you want to reconcile with her the end goal is for you to love one another again because you love her, right?” She said: “Why don’t you try showing her your true self? The self that loves her. The self that wants reconciliation because you love her. Maybe start with small things? Don’t go crazy and drive yourself nuts with a huge reversal from anger and hurt to loving and wonderful. Instead just don’t hurl negativity all the time. Relax instead. Act like reconciliation is under way in order to see if that action can initiate a real reaction.”
In other words, release the Restraining Bolt that keeps you in the stew of anger and contempt and head off to find a crazy old wizard and your path to freedom from the tyranny of self-pity.
Interesting.
This made SOME sense to me, and partly made sense to me because of the way I was FEELING. It would NOT have made sense to me 2 months ago, or even a week ago. It makes sense to me because of where I am NOW. A shift in gears from the anger and hatred to something more nurturing. Not a full tack. More of a subtle lane change. (sorry to mix my motoring and sailing metaphors).
So this is where I am now. I made the decision in my head to move over into this other lane. I did this less than 36 hours ago. I have not yet determined if this has been beneficial or not. I feel anxious. Of course I didn’t NOT feel anxious in that other lane, so this is a wash. I have not yet experienced any super-positive changes to my own attitude. I have no idea if she has even noticed. I hope she has and I intend to ask her if she has when we go see our marriage counselor today.
T I M E
My support group has told me that time is my friend. That only time will allow my wife to recognize that she truly is the villain in her own story. To have her really understand that SHE is the cause of all of this. For her to recognize also that her AP is not the needy ‘good guy’ that weaseled his way into her psyche, but the manipulative fuck that we all know he is. TIME. Time also for me to be able to release the anger like I have been attempting to do over the last couple days. Time for me to ponder how I can find my own self esteem again and really shed my feelings of inadequacy and ugliness (among others). Time for WW and I to possibly find some bonding time and make some memories that are not anger and sorrow and self pity and….
“She’s fast enough for you, old man.” I guess she is. That’s what they tell me. Essentially the theme of this slow-burn reconciliation thing. That if she is showing ANY progress, then that is the progress that we as betrayeds need to embrace. ANYTHING is “fast enough” because you cannot speed this process up. You will never do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Not gonna happen. 1-5 years is what they say reconciliation takes for it to be complete if it makes it to complete. I have told myself to give it at least 3. My hope is that I will feel a shift from tentative to optimism at some point along the way and that will give my brain the jump to light speed that it needs for me to relax and feel safe again.
This ‘update’ doesn’t predict a future. I have no preconceived ideas about how this might pan out. I just thought that an update could be beneficial.
Beneficial to ME in my selfish need for some validation of where I am and what I’m going through. For ME to be able to try to get it all on ‘paper’ so that I can help myself try to understand where I am. For ME to see a progression, no matter how up-and-down it has been.
Beneficial for OTHERS who may have a story like mine or PARTIALLY like mine who will be able to see themselves in this writing and be able to feel less alone. Beneficial maybe to all of us who might have a Bad Motivator.
Thanks for reading, my fucked up comrades. Sorry you are here in this sub. It’s a truly shitty place to need to be. I appreciate all of you. Without this sub and the people in it I think I might literally not be around. Here’s to you and your futures. May you find some peace.
Fuck these affairs.

First, why would we be on this journey if we can't be reunited? I just don't understand. I am relatively new to this journey, but I want to have my forever with my Twin Flame, should we both be ready.
On that note, I recently got introduced to the 2015 Hallmark movie "Autumn Dreams." 10/10 movie. It's romantic, funny, and one of the more realistic Hallmark stories. I am pretty sure the main characters are twin flames given the story, but who knows. That movie introduced me to a song by Reba McEntire, and I cannot stop listening to it; it basically explains my feelings for my TF in a nutshell.
I will link the song in the comments; please let me know if any of you guys feel this way too! :)

I get super nervous on interviewing, I spent the past few weeks going over and over in depth questions of what an electrician does, why I want to join the IBEW, what it means to be in a union, what experience I have in the field.
All the stress and worry was pointless because I was not asked a single thing about any of these.
The most I was asked relating to the IBEW was how I came to find out about the JATC, which I answered on my own research by taking interest in the field. The rest of the time of the interview (which was less than 5 minutes) was only spent on one of my hobbies which was my physical fitness experience and journey. They asked what I did to exercise, how I lost a lot of weight and led me to give in depth answers on it all. Then they asked if I had a car and asked if I would be able to take classes and said I'd hear from them in around a week while thanking me for my time.
And I'm just kinda... confused? Like I don't think it went bad at all, I spoke naturally and in depth because it's a topic I've put a lot of care towards but I also don't feel like I was given an opportunity to show a commitment or drive for what the IBEW does.
Just feeling weird it's kinda funny because I don't see how I could have handled the interview differently based on it.
Anyway idk if this is normal or not but thought I'd share.

I was an X-ray baby, I remember the feeling of showing up to 30th AG. My basic class was 75% X-rays, dudes were studs, ripped strong fast and here I was a 180 pound 5’9 slightly out of shape 20 year old kid with a little college and a little work before I decided to chase my dreams and join the X-ray program. I felt a little out of place but still had the fire burning in me, my first week of basic a 30 year old X-ray who was build exactly like terry cruise (who I later became very close friends with) said to me something along the lines of “your just a kid you’ll enjoy the regular army when you get dropped”. That really rubbed me the wrong way, from that point on every time we got smoked ( it was plentiful) I made it a point to do more pushups or whatever exercises the drills threw at as whenever he would rest to quit. Throughout basic I ran every run like my life depended on and and pushed myself hard when I could have shitbagged the smoke sessions. By the end of basic I had a perfect apft score (only about 30 of our X-rays had that) and had X-rays coming up to me who I hadn’t ever talked too now that i had earned some “respect” or whatever you want to call it. Over half our X-rays got dropped before osut was over from not meeting the Apft standards. Tip #1 don’t ship if your out of shape and don’t slack off in basic the lack of good food and sleep will get to you if you are borderline to begin with. There is no excuse for failing the apft at the end of basic, you knew what you needed when you signed up don’t lie to yourself on your physical condition.
Next it was off to airborne school, I was still mid Covid so rules were gay and guys were slacking off big time. If I’m being honest with myself I could of pushed harder during this timeframe. It is easy to get comfortable with the newfound freedom, don’t get out of shape, have a little bit of fun with your buddies but don’t get in trouble and don’t drink yourself out of shape. Tip #2 Organized PT during airborne is a joke, get to the gym after the long days. Start working on building back up your leg, grip, lower back strength and keep your condition to at least where you were at the end of basic. Trust me your gona want that strength during team week. Listen to the Jumpmaster if you land correctly you won’t get hurt too badly, most airborne injuries are because of incorrect landings. Don’t anticipate the ground. I think most of us are scared the first jump, just get out the door and enjoy the view, now that I’m getting out I wish I would of done more than my 15 jumps (besides jrtc jumps fuck jumping with a 240 and 100 pounds of Ammo and gear), most people are never lucky enough to experience the feeling of floating in a parachute. Try not to be a injury recycle at airborne, the pipeline is long enough as is.
Finally, the bus to bragg (liberty whatever the fuck you newdicks call it). I was excited, home of the special forces, this is where shit gets real. My motivation was probably at an all time high at this point, I’ve made some lifelong friendships throughout basic and me and my boys were showing up for the real thing after all the big army gayness (if only I knew). Pt test first week of getting to AT, a surprising number of people failed and were send off to the double A (remember what I said about slacking off). Don’t let that be you. We had a couple month long wait before we classes up for prep, tons of free time, again have fun but don’t go crazy those Raleigh girls don’t think your cool tell them your a software engineer or something. Tip #3 Blanket statement but stay away from the Fayetteville girls, they got stds or they are CSM’s daughter / wife. Also while your in AT you have so much time to train, perfect food via SWC dfac and ample rest time. I was training 3x a day cardio lifting and rolling with my group of buddies, we were super motivated and ready to get started.
Now prep course started up after block leave, got some time to myself with my family and proposed to my now wife (typical) we have a son now and she is my rock. Not everyone can deal with the lifestyle you are after make sure your shits together before getting married it will be hard, even in the regular army I was away for half the year at peace time. Prep course is great but if your not healthy it will break your body. The training is fairly intense and you will be putting lots of miles on your legs, make sure you are taking recovery seriously you will learn lots from the cadre don’t slack off on recovery, I saw too many good dudes get hurt and vanish. The classes are great, there is no reason to not pass the star after all the instruction and practical exercises you receive. I knew nothing of landnav before the army and got 6/8 on the star, good enough to keep me from getting dropped. Prepare physically and mentally for sfas, you should be reaching your peak shape at this point. Prep isn’t long enough to put on meaningful strength gains, so make sure you are lifting the whole time from airborne till sfas. Strength is vital to sfas (specifically team week).
Your packing list is ready, your group of 150xrays from basic is now down to 45. I’m not going to spoil selection for you, prep your packing list and get with former X-rays and your buddies and get all the handy shit they say. Sfas is painful, it was physically the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Team week felt like legitimate torture and I was like a terminally ill 90 year old getting out of bed during it. Take care of your feet, remember what you learned during land nav prep and don’t get lost on the star ( easier said than done). My land nav advice would be take it slow, stay calm, use your techniques and if you think your getting lost find a know point to reorient yourself. I only ran after I got lost on the second day to find my 6th point, I got lost because I was being stupid plainly. Shot a panic azimuth to a lake and ran for my 5th and 6th point, but if you don’t get lost you have no reason to run to your death. During team week you will be tiered, before you go do peers take some notes on how you will peer your team, you’ll forget who’s roster number is who if you don’t.
The Final Cut of sfas, standing there with my bags I was confident I had preformed well. Then they called my roster number out, I walked my way over with my head down. Off to tent city I went, 21 day nonselect. I was overwhelmed with feelings of despair, all of that work and pain and was hit with a 2 year as we’re the rest of the 21 days from my class. Not even gona lie here I shed a tear when I saw my best friend at tent city who was a 6 month land nav drop.(got selected and is off to group, fucking amazing guy I’m happy for him) back to Bragg I went.
Got my orders to the 82nd, when I showed up I was depressed. My wife and me still weren’t married, I was living alone in the b’s and getting smoked daily for anything my new TL could come up with that day. Now you might be here, maybe you didn’t get selected, at the end of the day the cadre have there reasons, self reflect and write down what you want to improve if you are going back. There are two types of X-rays at the 82nd and elsewhere, those that give up and become shitbags and those that succeed and thrive in their role as an infantryman, some of them go back to sfas and make it, some become amazing SL’s and some get out and do great things as a civilian. It’s alright to be bummed out, I was for at least 6 months, I truly believe god has a plan for everyone and that everything happens for a reason even if you don’t know that reason at the time it happens. I stopped feeling sorry to myself and was put in the weapons squad as a 240 gunner. I had an amazing former batt boy SL who grew me and my gun team into what I would say was one of the best gun teams in the army. We were all strong fast and in great shape, our 240 gun drills and accuracy was always on point. This is because we took our job seriously and took pride in our performance. The big army is gay, that’s the truth I don’t give a fuck if you’re great at Joe history trivia or the best toy soldier for details. Be good at your job and work on it, saw gunner rifle man TL ect. I know you didn’t want to be in the 82nd, but if your a Man you will stop feeling sorry for yourself and take pride in your work, be the best at your job and no one can fuck with you, remember you can still go to war and you and your buddies lives may depend on it. I never got smoked once in weapons because I took my shit seriously and had great leadership to help me grow. If you push yourself and get schools, you can go back to SFAS as a seasoned team leader e5 with ranger and EIB / Jumpmaster, you will breeze through TAC skills with your knowledge from your time on the line, and your X-ray classmates can rely on you for knowledge on tactics. I know the 82nd can be gay, but if you rise above it you can learn a lot, and go on to do what you wanted to in the first place. Make the best of your situation and don’t be a feel sorry for me pussy.
Remember what I said about god having a plan? I was diagnosed with a progressive genetic disease that is life threatening if not treated. If I had been selected I would have surely ignored it and ended up with parts of my inside cut out of possibly dead. Funny enough a form GB pa was the one who referred me to get checked. Now I am leaving Bragg in a week to start my csp, and just handed off my ruck up or shut up book to a TL who is going to sfas tomorrow. Not sure if anyone took the time to read all of this , it was therapeutic in a way to put it down in writing. Even if my advice helps one dude I’ll be happy, good luck boys get fucking after it.
TL;DR: via chat gpt The narrator started military training as an underprepared X-ray but quickly pushed himself to excel in basic training. Despite rigorous preparation, he was not selected for SFAS and ended up in the 82nd Airborne. Overcoming initial disappointment, he thrived in his role, learned valuable lessons, and found motivation in unexpected challenges. His journey underscores the importance of resilience and adaptability, culminating in a health diagnosis that shifted his perspective on his military path.

Hey, hi, hello.
I’ve been posting on and off for a few years now and I’m sure some of you are sick of seeing me. Oh well, we’re in this sub for one reason and one reason only: to find a connection and possibly a happy ending.
I’ve been told I’m too picky and too open about myself; I don’t think Im either of these things. We all have different tastes and expectations from other people and that’s fine. And yes, I am very open about who I am, shouldn’t we all be? Would save us some disappointment.
I did try numerous dating sites and chatrooms but to no avail; those whove been in the same situation know what’s that like. I have a fair share of horror stories from dating apps and who knows, one day I could share these with you!!
Before I move onto the spiel about myself and how much of a catch I am please read below:
About you:
-living the UK/Europe/US (max of 6h time difference)
-a straight man
-a homebody, with the occasional want to go out and do things
-aged 29 – 48 (I will not reply if you’re not within the age bracket)
-speak English (for communication purposes duh)
-child free (and must want to remain this way)
-MONOGAMOUS
-NO PREFERENCE HEIGHT OR BODY WISE, I’m all about a nice face
-impeccable basic personal hygiene (not expecting you smelling like your local perfume store)
-no addictions (ie excessive alcohol use, smoking and any type of illegal drugs)
-respectful, loyal, funny, affectionate, caring, loving and patient (a lot of it needed with me).
-will not demand any personal content (if you know what I eamn)
-in full time employment (if we are long distance, how else are you going to fund your travels?)
But beyond all that I’m after a best friend. Someone who will have my back until the end. Someone who will accept me for who I am and wouldn’t want to change me (I can offer the same back). Someone who will enter my life and assume the role of my partner (eventually) and join me on this rather bizarre journey called life. Don’t give up on me and I wont give up on you.
I will not respond to any messages along the lines of ‘hru’. ‘hi’.
Once again, no budging on the age or location.
If your profile contains anything inappropriate, I won’t respond either.
I think I made myself more than clear.
Just one more thing, I promise!!!!
This is not to get any attention or sympathy or help; more of a prewarning. I have met a lot of amazing people on here who got their hopes up about me and once things didn’t seem to be as amazing as this image, they had of me they left.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 12, as well as severe anxiety (no self-diagnosis here, by an actual professional). I take meds for it but some days are worse than the others. I’m also on the waiting list to get help, but like me you’re in the UK you’ll know what this is like (no issues with the NHS, they’re amazing; just overworked and understaffed). I can’t afford to go privately. At this moment in time,I am about 2 years away from seeing someone.
I suffer from fibromyalgia (if you don’t know what this is, just google it) in late 2019 after ruling everything out. I have days when I’m extremely exhausted and in a lot of pain. I still go to work and try to go on about my life as much as possible but please bear that in mind.
Ive been taking all sorts of meds too, including painkillers to control the pain.
Please don’t see me as someone hopeless or feel sorry for me. This is not the point of this confession.
My name is Anita and I’m a 29yo Eastern European woman, living in the UK just outside of Bristol. I’ve been here for the last 17 years and I consider myself England my home. I’m not considering moving back at any point in my life (however I’ll move elsewhere for the right reasons and right person). I will share my exact location once we’re acquainted a bit more.
I’m 6ft tall (yes I am this tall and I’m aware that it’s way too tall for a woman) and. weight approx 13st or 200lbs (my weight keeps fluctuating a lot and no, I’m not looking for any tips to lose weight). I dye my hair red but it’s more like ginger these days. I have green eyes (they’re useless as I wear glasses) and I wear a lot of black eyeliner lol. I guess you could say I’m kinda emo/goth?
An extreme introvert since I was a young one (definitely not shy, in fact I can get a bit volatile when it comes to standing up for myself). I don’t need to get out of my shell, so none of that please. I like my own company as well as my loved ones; and leaving the house only for work and groceries suits me well.
I’m a vegetarian (not a deal breaker if you’re not; your choice is to eat meat and mine isn’t. Respect it and you shall receive the same back). I think it’s time for everyone live and let others live too.
Tea, coffee and snack addict! (I love herbal tea with no sugar or milk; coffee wise I like a good cap or a caramel macchiato as a treat. Snack wise anything goes really. Fruit, crisps, cake and sweets!)
Bookworm (I haven’t read in a long time, I love books I promise. Just haven’t had much time lately. I have a stack of them which is growing. I need to finally find some time and immerse myself in one of many crime novels I have).
Apolitical (now, I read the news everyday but I do not support any of the parties. They don’t care about you or me, sorry to break this to you).
Animal lover (I have 4 rescued cats two boys and two girls aged between 10-11 who are my absolute life. In total, my mum and I have rescued about 60 cats in the last 10 years. We found them safe and loving homes but for some of them unfortunately it was too late).
No addictions here (I don’t drink or smoke; although I like my vapes a lot).
In my spare time (whatever I get of it) I like to go for walks, listen to music and podcasts, nap, watch tv, chill with my mum and cats, go shopping and grab a coffee with my ma, visit my brother in London, over eat, over think and read books.
I don’t really have any hobbies.
I don’t game religiously but I do enjoy sims 4 (someone told me that isn’t gaming although I’d say it’s a computer game so clues in the name but what do I know, right?) I don’t watch anime either, tried once and couldn’t get into it.
As you can tell, I’m just a relatively unremarkable human being, trying to find her place in this world. And I’m happy about that, being in the limelight is the last thing I know.
With that being said, if you managed to get through my ramblings and they somewhat resonated with you, shoot me a message.
Message me with your name, age and location and what caught your eye about my post. Don’t have to send me your picture right away; I won’t send mine until I’m comfortable enough. To show that you have read, end your message with ‘toodlepip’.
I will respond as soon as I can but please note that there might be delays in messaging back due to well… life being life I suppose.
And if you didn’t like what you read… well then scroll along, no need to let me know about this in the comments or to message me to call me names. It’s nice to be nice.
Thank you for reading this and looking forward to seeing some messages. If not, best of luck in your search!!!

I will make daily updates in here. It's been quite a journey for me. Will post my history prior to effexor below.. So far am on day 3.
Day 1 - 5/13/2024
Took at 10:00
Anxiety was sky high when I took but settled some 45 minutes after taking.
12:00 feeling jittery and kinda spaced out?
14:00 extreme anxiety
17:00 nausea / dry heave
18:00 headache
Stomach rumbling at night which was kinda funny listening too tbh.
Day 2 - 5/14/2024
Took at 10:10
Really bad anxiety after taking.
Felt really weird before noon
At noon stated reading a book called Hope and Hell for your Nerves by Dr. Claire Weeks.
From 12:30 - 13:45 I felt an overwhelming calmness that freaked me out kinda. I felt at peace, really strange.
16:00 nausea when I yawn
Increased jitters and burning chest (anxiety) at night while settling down for bed.
My story and history :
since December I have been suffering with anxiety which has progressively gotten worse to the point where it has made me depressed as well. As of this post I am at an all time low and am in desperate need of relief. If you make it to the end I will explain what I am going through.
I am a male in my late 30s and have had two bouts of anxiety / depression in my life both of which lasted 3 months (2015 and 2020), and were cured with therapy. This time seems different..
I have a very stressful job which requires me to work 7 days a week with the only break being when I take vacation or slow times in the industry. It pays really well and helps me provide my wife and two young kids a good life so I put up with it in the hopes I can manage the stress better in time. I mention the above because I truly believe it has alot to do with the state I am in now.
I have always been caring, outgoing, light natured, and humerous throughout my life and also pretty sensative. I really want to go back to that and hope treatment will help.
I also realize I am my own worst enemy in getting treatment as you will see in the paragraphs below.
When I was a teenager into my early twenties I was carefree and would try most drugs to fit in. Extacy, lsd, mushrooms, pills, etc.. Never touched the extremely hard stuff. Marijuana was my best friend and I smoked a ton of it. Hello panic attack! I remember the first time I got one after smoking Marijuana in my early twenties. It was horrible! I couldn't smoke Marijuana anymore afterwards because it would induce a panic attack. I told myself it was God's sign telling me to stop so I did. I haven't smoke Marijuana since.
Fast forward a few years from then I was introduced to a medical condition called gout. It is very painful and the first time I was treated for it I was given narcotic pain medication and an anti inflammatory. I took both when I got home and it provided relief. Being this was my first experience, I wanted to research gout a little more and I did just that on the internet. Here comes the part where my life changed for the worse..
For some reason, I also asked google if you could overdose on the pain medication I was currently taking. No clue why I wanted to know but as soon as I read you could, I instantly had the worst panic attack I ever experienced.
Ever since that point in my life I have refused to take medication in fear of another panic attack. From that point forward, my mind associated taking medication with panic. For the years afterwards I always had a panic attack when I tried to take anything including something as simple as advil.
Anytime I would be prescribed something I would obsessively research it, watch videos on it, read reviews, etc.. I would psych myself out and not take it.
Fast forward to 2015 when I finally moved out of my parents house. I won't go too much into it but I had my first bout of extreme anxiety and depression from it. It was a big change for me and it took a few months to pull myself out of it with the help of a therapist.
Life was absolutely WONDERFUL after that. I was on my own, found the love of my life, got married in 2018, and was the happiest I had ever been.
2020 was my second episode of anxiety and depression. In a matter of 6 months I lost my grandmother, godmother, my one year old boxer puppy, and my father in law. I also had my first child. Not to mention it was covid time...After everything settled down from the chaos it hit me like a ton of bricks. Bam!..anxiety and depression. It was awful and I knew I needed help. I started therapy and it helped tremendously. It was suggested that I also see a pyschiatrist. I did and he prescribed me prozac to take along with therapy. I was not going to take it. We all know how I am with my phobia of medication.
One day I said screw it and out of nowhere threw it in my mouth and swallowed. I expected the worse. Nothing happened...I continued to take it for 4 days and didn't notice anything bad happening to me. I was happy about that.
The 5th day I had a panic attack because I started to feel really strange. I don't remember exactly how I felt but I remember calling my sister and telling her I feel really weird. She assured me it is normal and to keep on which I did.
The 6th day I took my pill in the AM and all was well. I was tired so I stayed in bed. Out of nowhere I felt a rush of bad bad bad energy take over my body. It is hard to explain. It was like a rush of anxiety but with it was a sense of hopelessness and dread. I had experienced in my first bout back in 2015 but not this severe. I was scared and called my psychiatrist and left a message. I immediately went to my mother's and cried cried cried. The feeling subsided. My psychiatrist called me back very quickly and when I explained what I felt he told me to stop taking it and to take the ativan he prescribed if needed.
I stopped the medication and never took an ativan. I got better over the next couple months through therapy and all was well.
I did have a tiny breakthrough and convinced myself to take a medication to stop my reoccurring gout attacks. It is called allopurinol and is regarded as one of the safest medications out there. It took alot of courage and of coarse I read every review there is on it but I eventually just threw it in my mouth and fell asleep. Have been taking it daily for two years now.
Fast forward to December of last year 2023. The stress from work and medical issues throughout 2023 must have built up and I had a breakdown. I started to get anxiety and small feelings of the hopelessness I mentioned above. December into January into February I dealt with it and kept telling myself it will pass like the other times. It didn't and kept getting worse. I finally sought help from a psychologist in late February / early March. After the first few sessions I would immediately get a high from the previous hours talk. It was fantastic but eventually wore off a few hours later.
The anxiety I was experiencing / am experiencing is absolutely horrible. Non stop jaw clenching, chest pains, tension, blurred vision, lack of good sleep, extremely heightened senses, etc. I am good at telling myself it is anxiety and will go away. I don't freak out over it into full blown panic but I feel like I am always borderline panic while also being exhausted. It's very uncomfortable. I have had multiple health checkups and all is fine.
I decided to call my old psychiatrist because it had been 3 months with minimal relief. I was told he was retiring and he referred me to someone else who I am now seeing.
He prescribed me Paxil and klonopin in marxh and of coarse my phobia stopped me from taking it. We did a gene test to see which medicine would work for me and paxil was a good fit. I just couldn't do it. For the next few weeks I seemed to be getting better by getting out and doing things. I even started fishing again which was a huge passion of mine. Things were looking up!
Anxiety was going from an all day thing to maybe a couple hours type of thing! I was hopeful...
Let me introduce you to my buddy kidney stones...
Middle of April I woke up to EXCRUCIATING pain. I eventually went to the ER that day after hours of suffering and they told me I had 2 kidney stones. They sent me home with the same narcotic pain medication that started my panic attack journey when I was younger and also some other medication. From that Tuesday to Thursday I was in crippling pain and refused the pain medication. It got to a point where I almost blacked out from the pain so I had no choice but to take it. I popped it and finally got some sleep. I think I didn't freak out after taking it because my body was in shock from the pain. I woke up 30 minutes later to the excruciating pain again and said enough was enough. I went back to the ER and they did an emergency surgery and put a Stent in me to stop the pain. It worked and was a huge relief.
After catching up on sleep and recovering, I started to get my anxiety back. The next two weeks while waiting on my second surgery my anxiety, which was on the right path prior to this stone, came back to it's previous 10/10 levels. Jaw clenching, blurred vision, etc..
I toughened it out AND not to mention, completed a full 14 day coarse of a strong antibiotic due to a kidney infection! I was so proud of myself. With my newfound proudness, I called my Pyschiatrist and set up an appointment for the following week after my second surgery to discuss some things.
I had my second surgery last Friday the 3rd and they removed both stones. I went home Friday night with another stent in me which I was told to remove from home on Monday by pulling a string that was hanging out of my penis head (sorry for TMI) which in turn pulls the stent from my kidney down and out through my penis. I did that on Monday and it wasn't bad at all.
The Saturday after my surgery went fine. I'm sure I felt good because I was still coming off anesthesia but boy o boy that Sunday I woke up after sleeping 12 hours to a horrible panic attack. Imagine waking up from a dead sleep to the biggest adrenaline dump you could imagine. It was awful and lasted ALL day! I experienced derealization and every symptom you can think off. I should have taken a klonopin but my phobia told me it would make it worse so I didn't. It settled down into the evening and I was absolutely exhausted.
Monday I woke up to another panic attack but not as severe and Tuesday another panic attach which was even less severe. Wednesday the same and this morning has been the first morning I haven't woken up to an adrenalin dump. With that being said, this whole week has been absolutely horrible with 10/10 anxiety. I rarely get breaks from it. At night it calms down and I feel normal. Because of that, I chase that normal feeling and stay up way too late lol.
Anyway, leading up to my psychiatry appointment today, the last few weeks I have been obsessively looking up the 2 ssris and 1 snri my gene test said I was compatible with. Prozac (go figure), paxil, and effexor. I was also compatible with welbutrin.
Paxil I am terrified of because it is supposedly the dirtiest and worst for weight gain (I am a 240lb male).
Prozac I tried previously and I think I didn't give it enough time. I am not 100% sure that dread / hopeless feeling was suicide ideation but the feeling is in a class of its own compared to my normal anxiety.
Effexor I am scared of because of the withdrawel and alot of YouTube reviewers said it made them feel high and wired for the beginning. The horror stories of coming off it scares me too.
Welbutrin I hear great things about but heard it is bad for anxiety which is my main concern.
My overall fear is that any of these will make me lose control and make me not myself. I am also scared that I don't remember what normal feels like and feeling normal will scare me. Crazy to say that. Ultimately he prescribed me Effexor 37.5 for 2 weeks and then upping it to 75mg. He said to take the klonopin if I need it starting up. I have 15 of them.
I know I need to do something because I can't live like this. My wife, my 4 yr old, and my 2 yr old need their father and husband back. It's not fair to them. I'm tired of staying in bed all day. I'm tired of not caring if I wake up. I'm tired of not being the best employee I can be, I'm tired of not being in contact with my friends anymore, I'm tired of not caring about my hobbies, Im tired of being tired, and most importantly I'm tired of feeling like this.
I will start the effexor and update this thread with my progress.

Maybe we can post our profiles (gender, age, job, interest, purpose, kids, personality) below and pm those whom we are interested in. Me:
Gender: F
Age: 26
Job: Looking for a job (as a web developer)
Interests: Mobile legends, music, running, piano, organ Religion: Christianity (it's important to me that my partner is also a religious christian)
Purpose: Marriage
Kids: None but want to
Personality: Introvert, quiet, funny, likes to laugh, cheerful
Comment below if you are interested?

So before we jump into the story, I’m pretty much going to be as transparent as possible in this, so it’s going to be a pretty big read. I’ll start with a little bit about my past and then a little bit about hers.
I was raised in a traditional household, with traditional values, parents that stayed together and loved unconditionally, and I guess was always comfortable in my childhood. Obviously, everyone has their own traumas, and maybe I have some that I’ve unexplored just because I consider myself unbothered by the past. Which is a mindset that has served me well, I think. I forgive and forget very quickly, and I tend to give second chances. I’m also very firm on how a second chance looks and how typically there isn’t a third. Now for the bad, I was exposed to porn at a very young age. I feel like it’s been an addiction all my life. Up until probably about eight months ago, I was severely addicted to porn. And we all know how it works once vanilla stops giving you the dopamine you used to get, you start to crave crazier and crazier things. Eventually, mine got to enjoying watching other men lust over other men’s women. Obviously, I know how wrong that is, and when I started realizing that I did not have a husband mentality, I started to shift my mindset. I still struggle with it to this day, but I wouldn’t say that I’m addicted anymore.
A little about her: her childhood is the exact opposite. But I would say that we came to the same conclusions on life and how a husband and wife should act in theory. She was raised in a very abusive household, her parents separated at a very young age, and then it was just trauma after trauma after trauma. And that’s not to say that she’s bringing it into the relationship, it’s simply saying what she’s been through. Her mindset of what marriage should look like is exactly like mine. Her mindset of what love should look like, I think, is like mine. She tends to run away for periods of time, never cheats or anything, but just prefers to be alone. Every single one of her relationships, she’s claimed that she has to be the mom in the relationship. This dynamic, the partnership dynamic, was weird for her.
Me and her met in November, and the moment we met, we knew that this was either going to be a relationship where we get married or the one to really break us. Two weeks in, we were discussing marriage as a joke. We loved all the same things, we listened to the same underground artists, we think almost exactly alike when it comes to life. We enjoy the same humor, and I can 100% say she is pretty much me in female form. Please don’t take that in a weird way, but that is how I felt. I’ve always felt like she is my other half. Months into the relationship, we started joking around about OnlyFans, and I’m sorry to say that I let those same thoughts in my head. She would joke around about how much money she would make on it, and I would “joke around” about her making one and that I was okay with it. She didn’t know about my porn addiction at this time. Well, little did I know she was simply going along with it because she thought it made me happy and turned me on. But I know she’s also very, very bold. Well, eventually, I started to focus back on my addiction, which made me treat her like absolute crap. We went through a phase of arguments, I would threaten to end the relationship, and then she would actually do it. I stopped treating her like a husband would treat his wife. After we had a talk, we decided that what we have is too valuable to let go of. So she gave me another chance, and I really took it. I went back to acting like a husband would for her. And it’s not that I was just scared of losing her; this is my character, and this is who I was when I met her, and this is who I’ve been in other relationships. Two weeks go by, and I really realize how much that addiction relapse brought back insecurities. Well, instead of talking to her about it, I decided to try and basically trap her into selling nudes to one of my buddies. Looking back on it all, I understand how toxic that is, but if I was going to give it my all, I didn’t want to give it to somebody who was actually willing to do that. And I get that everything we talked about before was jokes, but she always told me that she’d be willing to sell those pictures for money. And I never knew if it was just to make me happy or if she was serious. I was insecure, and I was scared that I was giving for no reason. But it’s not a reason to do what I did, and I’m not trying to justify it. I should have communicated it with her. The worst part about it was that I lied to her for a couple of weeks that I had no idea who that was on her Snapchat asking her to sell nudes. She was super upset at the principle that I was able to lie to her face for so long. Long story short, we broke up for two weeks. I would chase her for those two weeks, trying to do nice things for her, ordering food and trying to make it up. It was like fishing—when she’s angry at me, I let her run, but when she gave me an opportunity to reel in, I really took it. I didn’t just tell her sorry because I knew it wouldn’t mean anything. I changed my behavior to show her that I trusted her and I am not a liar. I didn’t try to justify my behavior; I only gave her the reasons why I did what I did after we started talking again. During those two weeks, I hadn’t seen any other woman, nor did I have intentions of it. She went on a car ride with her ex because apparently there were unfinished conversations. Now, with this ex in particular, I’m not worried about it. And it’s not me being cocky; I just know that after meeting me and the way she compared both of us, I’m simply not worried about him. What upset me was that he tried to kiss her. Well, he did kiss her until she pushed him off. Either way, I was unbothered by it, but I’ll tell you guys that so you can decide if it’s important or not.
So we started hanging out again as just best friends. I pretty much stayed at her house for two weeks straight after being broken up. We literally were best friends, but I could tell she didn’t trust me. Obviously, she trusted me with her body, still trusted me with pictures of her, and she trusted me in practical ways, but I always felt insecure hanging out with her because of the fact that she might leave again. Well, eventually, she did. We decided to take a two-week break of absolutely zero contact. So keep in mind, this is after another two weeks of absolutely zero arguments, us not talking about the past and just treating each other with ultimate respect and love. But she still felt like she couldn’t give 100%. I never stopped giving 100%, and she fully acknowledges this and understands it. I want you guys to understand that this girl is the nicest, kindest girl I’ve ever met, and I mean that. So I ask that any advice given takes that into account. I know she loves me just as hard as I love her. I leave her house and go home. Of course, I’m very upset because I love so hard, but I do not contact her. 4 AM, I get a call from her just absolutely wasted. She ended up going out with her coworkers, and I’ve never seen her drink like this. She was just as upset as I was. So I don’t want you guys to think that she is heartless. She ends up begging me to come over, and I tell her no and make her wait until the morning. At 8 AM, I’m at her house, and she’s pretty much still wasted. Well, apparently, she ended up kissing another dude at the bar while drunk. She was very straight up about it and would never lie to me. Nothing else happened, but that’s something that did happen. Now, take into account we were broken up with both of these instances. We were NOT together. I don’t know how I feel about that line, but y’all decide. Anyways, that day apparently was a click for her. She wrote me a letter and basically said that she doesn’t want to do this without me. She said that she is willing to work on herself within the relationship rather than single, and that’s my mindset. In a relationship, you are able to work on relationship issues that you cannot work on while single. The same triggers do not apply when you are single. Anyways, so we start basically living together. A month straight, pretty much. I mean, we were out and about again. We were working together, we considered moving in and all, but I could tell that she was not giving me her all. She would tell me multiple times that she doesn’t trust me. She would tell me that she’s my wife, but she just needs time to trust me fully. Eventually, after a month, I had enough of being in this situationship I didn’t feel secure in. So I left one day after telling her that if she can’t give me the same treatment and love she gave me when we first met, then I’m done. I proved I was trustworthy, and I proved I was the husband she was looking for. Either way, I left. We had a conversation about wife mentality vs. girlfriend mentality and what that looks like, which I think really changed her mindset. Now, I will say this: here are where things take a turn. I come back, and she decides to go back to giving 100%. And I could tell—she was the girl I met again. I was skeptical, but I knew she was back. Anyways, five days go by, and I notice a certain person wasn’t on her phone. That same ex I told y’all I was worried about. Well, I was curious because I know that she didn’t want to block him, and this, I think, is because she doesn’t want to hurt people. I STILL RIGHT NOW WHILE TYPING THIS do not think he’s a threat. I actually believe they won’t speak again. Anyways, she tells me that “if he’s not there, he must be blocked,” and I knew that that’s a lie because that’s how I lied to her. She, I guess, rubbed off me, and this is the very first time I caught her in a lie. Come to find out, there was a ten-minute phone call between them, and she sent him “progress workout pictures” that she claimed “she never viewed as sexual” etc. Anyways, this was at like 2 AM, so I get in my car and just storm off. I’m going to make this part short because you probably know where it’s going. She begs me to come back, posts a picture of us on her story, makes it official that we are together, and proves to me that she’s a “damn good wife.” I’m still upset, and a day goes by. That day being two days ago. While we were asleep, I was still upset about everything, and I decided to look at her phone without asking. Bad move, I know. We wake up yesterday morning, and I accuse her of something I saw. I was still upset from the lie, and she storms off to work and was very open that how we handled that conversation was toxic. I agreed, and I apologized for even going on her phone. I came to the conclusion that I will never go on her phone again without asking before I went to sleep that night, so it wasn’t under any threat of a relationship ending. She texted me about her thoughts, and then I thought all was fine. She called me while at work and asked about moving into a house together rather than her duplex. By the time she got off work, she said she was done.
She said that “one day I will be your wife, but I can’t do a toxic relationship.” I told her if she leaves now, she will never have the chance of being with me again. I will always be her best friend, but I told her very clearly that I will not be able to trust her through thick and thin. I will not feel secure in any future relationship with her because if things get “toxic” again, and they will because no relationship is perfect, I won’t be able to trust that she’ll be by my side. Should I feel bad for giving her until tonight to make up her mind? Should I be patient?
We love each other so wholeheartedly. We still connect like no one I’ve ever met. She loves me just as much as I love her, and I know she’s just as broken as me with this breakup. In my opinion, her lying to me made her realize that she’s also not perfect, and her reasoning was kinda funny. That’s the relationship we have. I’m over all she did. She WAS over everything I did before I went through her phone, and she wasn’t mad that I went through it; she was upset that the morning convo was toxic. Any advice you give, assume that we really love each other and want to make it work. We have never been in a relationship that we actually consider marriage in. We are still figuring it out, and I just don’t know my move and to her, her only option is ending this.