Ear pain because of winter

I'm sick and tired of having facial hair. It's ugly and ruins my skin and is honestly the biggest source of my gender dysphoria. What's worse is I can only realistically shave twice a week and it's never close enough to get rid of the five o'clock shadow. I've thought so much about how I would love to be able to be rid of it once and for all but as is most things when you're transitioning, it's not easy. I started hrt (estradiol last August, progesterone this winter, and finasteride about a week ago) almost a year ago and there has been a bit of progress so far, my facial hair is a bit less thick than it was when I started, but I've also been doing at home IPL sessions at max intensity once or twice a week for the past 6 months so I'm not sure if that's because of the hormonal changes or the IPL or a combination.
I've considered the obvious: electrolysis, laser hair removal, and also attempting waxing (I tried once and couldn't handle the pain after just two strips and it barely even got any hair off). My mother tried both methods and neither of them helped significantly for her, so I have reason to believe those might not even help considering my facial hair is thicker than the hair she was trying to to remove. And this assumes that I even can afford either treatment (I currently only have a couple hundred to spare).
For those of y'all who have also had stubborn facial hair but still managed to get rid of it or know someone who did, is there anything else I can do other than waiting for years for it to hopefully go away?

Mr. Winslow accused my mother of stealing his dead wife’s jewelry.
I explained it was impossible. He was welcome to search the tiny apartment I shared with my mother and aunt, he could look wherever he wanted.
“We share a tiny space,” I said. “We barely have enough room for our clothes. I don’t even know where she would hide jewelry.”
I was worried we would lose him as a client. Which would suck because cleaning his house was basically the majority of our rent cheque. But a week later he found the pearl necklace, it had somehow travelled down to his basement.
“I’m still missing the gold bangle though,” he said. “And some earrings.”
I told him I was sorry, but I had no idea. If my mom or aunt found it on their next clean, I promised they would let him know right away.
He hummed and hawed. There might’ve been a week where he hired a different maid service, but eventually he called back, asking if he could hire all three of us on-site again.
I thanked him profusely. I told him we’d keep an eye out for the missing valuables.
***
On our drive over, I had my mom and aunt practice the apology we would give him in English. Even though we didn’t steal anything, I explained we should still say sorry.
“Why?” My aunt asked. “That’s so stupid.”
“Everyone apologizes for everything in Canada. Just trust me. He will want it.”
“We need the work,” my mom said.
For a second my aunt revved up to say something else, but then let it go. We did need the work.
When we arrived, Mr. Winslow was on a phone call, watching his two large goldendoodles play in the front yard. He waved, then gestured to the front door. My mom and aunt gave small bows and carried their cleaning supplies inside.
Before I could enter, he put the phone behind his ear and approached me.
“Ida, hi. Good to see you again. Listen, don't worry about the jewelry. Water under the bridge. Hey. I’m leaving in an hour or so, and I won’t be back until late tonight. I’m wondering if you’d be interested in dog-sitting? You’ve been around Toto and Kipper. What do you think? I’d really appreciate the help.”
I never liked the way he looked at me. It was always too close, and it lingered for too long. My aunt may have been right in that he hired us back just to see me again, but I ignored the thought.
“And don’t worry, I can cover your cab back. My usual walker is just out on holiday. You can help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge. How does six hundred sound?”
I looked at his house and imagined if I would be comfortable there. Alone at night.
“I’ll make it seven-hundred. I know it's last minute. I just hate leaving them alone. Plus Toto has his medicine. You would do me a real solid.”
My apron needed adjusting so I put down my bucket. I focused on the polyester knot, keeping my gaze away from his. I really didn’t want to be doing this, but my aunt would call me stupid for refusing easy money. And frankly, so would I.
“I had plans, but I’m willing to give them up.” I said with a straight face. “Eight hundred and it’s a done deal.”
He paused for a second, observing me scrupulously. Then he found his usual, smarmy half-smile. “You’re a life saver, you know that? An Angel.”
His hand gripped my shoulder. Then patted it twice.
***
Both my mom and aunt were pleased about the extra cash, they said I deserved to make extra for all the bookkeeping I do. But they also both voiced their concerns for safety. They said they could stay with me if I wanted.
“Safety? Mamãe I’m just watching two dogs.”
My mom wiped a caked red stain off his counter. An old wine spill. “Yes, but so late in his house? You’re not worried he might … I don’t know …”
Might what? Exploit me?
I met his groundskeeper once, another immigrant contractor. Except the groundskeeper was being paid far less, because he never properly negotiated. Mr. Winslow was certainly capable of exploiting people when he wanted to, and I’m sure he would try the same on my family.
But I was different. I’d gone to school in Banniver, and I knew the little maneuvers played by the so-called “progressive people in North America.”
And Winslow knew it too.
He didn’t realize a Canadian-raised daughter organized her mom’s cleaning service. Or that she would show up on the first day as a statement. That statement being: You can’t get away with mistreating these old Brazilian women. And you certainly can’t swindle them out of the going rates in his neighborhood. I’m onto you.
I had asserted myself with this Mr. Winslow, and felt confident that I could stand my ground if he tried any bullshit.
“Mamãe I’m not worried about him. Really, I’m not. He’s a pushover.”
***
6:00PM rolled around, it was just me and the goldendoodles.
My mom and aunt were back at home, watching low-res soaps on a Macbook, but they said if I encountered anything strange—a sound, a smell, an unexpected car in the driveway—to give them a call right away.
“Mamãe, its two dogs. I’ll be fine.”
“Just keep your phone close Ida. Your auntie has sensed things in that house. Unpleasant things.”
I forgot to mention my aunt thinks of herself as an amateur medium. In the village she grew up in, she claimed she could sometimes see people who were recently deceased.
But I never really believed her. Mostly because it was also my auntie’s idea to charge families who wanted to forward messages to the very same people who were recently deceased.
“Okay mamãe, whatever you say. I’ll phone you if I get scared.”
“That house has a history Ida, you could feel it in the walls. The outside too.”
It sure does. A history of being owned by a wealthy prick.
***
The sun slinked below the overcast horizon like a dying lantern. It got dark much faster than I expected.
I kept all the lights on, and played with the dogs a bit, trying to encourage them to try piss on the shag rug. Neither did. They mostly wanted naps.
I tried napping for a bit too, but the leather couch felt like it was made of rock. I just couldn’t get comfortable.
Eventually I made myself dinner—some pasta that had been bought from Whole Foods—and ate it while scrolling on my phone.
I was just about done, ready to take my dirty plate in the sink when I first heard it.
The first explosion.
It came from the basement. A vibrating KAPOW that rattled the windows and chandelier on my floor. It sounded like someone had set off a cherry bomb.
What the hell?
I turned to the dogs who were just as scared as I was. They came whimpering with tails between their legs.
Could a pipe have burst or something?
I looked at the basement door, an area we were not instructed to clean, and then heard another explosion.
Vases shook. A painting went tilted. It sounded louder. Like full grade firework. I had lived in Rio de Janeiro, by Prianha beach, where they often launched celebratory fireworks. This was just as deafening.
I didn’t want to go down to the basement. In fact, I sat by the front door.
Both dogs huddled around me.
***
Twenty minutes passed. It had been quiet.
Out of pride I refused to call my mom—I didn’t want to admit I was scared. Instead, I spent the time going through all the rational answers in my head that could explain away the noise. Plumbing, terrorism, teen pranks … hot springs?
There were hot springs all over West Bann.
Obviously, some kind of pent-up geyser had lay dormant for a while, and it was now suddenly unleashing a ton of energy below Mr. Winslow’s house. To distract myself, I Wikipedia’d the history of West Banniver, and satisfied this theory.
During the 1850’s gold rush, West Banniver saw rapid settlement as a mining town. The proliferation of mine shafts soon led to a discovery of underground hot springs. Mayfield Briggs Ltd which was the first company to seize the opportunity as a tourist attraction…
That’s all it was. A hot spring releasing a buildup of pressure.
Then a third explosion came.
It was so loud and violent that the door to the basement flew open. I fell to the ground and covered my head as several books went flying off nearby shelves.
The dogs yipped and barked like crazy. They stood in front of me, guarding against an unseen force. A voice shrieked from the basement.
“HELP!!! HELLLLP!”
Rivets shot through my hands and knees. I was frozen to the floor.
“PLEEEEEEASE!”
It had the high-pitched desperation of someone whose life was about to end. I raised my head and listened closely to hear haggard, dusty coughing. It sounded like an old man’s cough. It echoed through the basement and into the living room. Between coughs the man continued to plead for his life.
HELLLLP!”
I had no idea who it could be or how he got down there.
Before I could think, one of the dogs shot past me, bolting down the basement steps, barking ferociously.
“Kipper!”
I tried to grab the loose leash, but I could only hold the collar of his sibling. “Kipper come back here!”
“HELLO?” The voice from below seemed to recognize my presence. “PLEASE, YOU’VE GOT TO HELP!”
I was now upright, breathing as fast as Toto was panting. I tied Toto to the thick rails on the stairs. I had to save the other dog.
Instinctually I grabbed my phone, slipped an AirPod in one ear, and dialed my mother without even looking at the screen.
“Mãe. There’s … something terrible is happening.”
My mother was suitably confused. Even more so when she heard the screaming of the man downstairs as his voice echoed in the living room. It was a cry of immense, awful pain.
After two slower, more detailed explanations of what I just heard, my mother told me to call the fire department. “Poke your head through the basement, see what’s happening. Then call the fire department.”
That made sense to me. I inched my way to the basement entrance and tried to see past the doorway. It was complete darkness. There was no light switch.
I turned the torch on my phone, and my aunt’s voice came blaring. “Get out of there Ida! I am telling you, there is darkness in that house!”
As I illuminated the dusty wooden stairs, I saw that they only lead only to more pitch black. Yup, plenty of darkness here.
There was some phone-wrestling. My mother came back on. “What is it? What did you see?”
“Don’t encourage her! Get her to leave!” my auntie yelled in the background.
I told them to pipe down because I could suddenly hear the gentle whimpering at the base of the stairs. The dog sounded close.
“Kipper come! This way! Follow my voice!”
I went down a few steps further, expecting the basement floor to appear any second, but there were only more wooden steps. How long was this staircase?
“Kipper?”
There was a flat, cold wall on my left, and no guard rail to speak of. I stepped down each step very carefully to maintain my balance, sliding my hand along the wall.
Then the wall disappeared. I flew forward.
***
I woke up lying face-first on rocky floor. My phone was cracked next to me. My mother was crying in my ear. “Ida! Ida! Oh my god! Ida!”
I looked up to see I was not at the bottom of someone’s basement. There were lights all above me. Lanterns. They were illuminating a cavernous, rocky chamber that led to many tunnels with train tracks and wooden carts. I was in the opening of a massive underground mine.
I coughed, and gave out a weak “… what?”
“Ida is that you? Are you… brrzzzzz” My mom’s voice faded.
Before I could reply, I saw the crooked form of a man in tan coveralls, shaking the immobile body of another person in coveralls next to him. In fact, there was a small row of half a dozen miners all slumped against a blasted rock wall. There were bits of granite, wood, rope, and what looked like entrails splattered all throughout.
“Oh the cruelty …” the one, standing miner said. He went from body to body and jostled each of his coworkers. “Must I find you all like this … every time?”
I crawled up to a half-standing pose and tried to see the face of the hunched over survivor.
My heart dropped.
He had no face.
The explosion which must have killed some of friends had also blasted away this man’s entire sternum, neck and skull. The miner wasn’t hunched over or leaning away with his head, he just simply … had no head.
And up there, floating right in the middle of where his face should be, were a set of eyeballs, glistening under the yellow lights.
The eyes turned to me. “Oh. Why hello. Hello there.”
Terrified, I rose to complete standing and opened both my palms in a show of total deference. “I don’t know. I don’t know who you are or what this is.”
The headless miner walked toward me. I noticed he carried a pickaxe in his right arm. He gestured with his left to where his ear would be.
“I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Had an accident.”
Despite him having no head, his voice still came from where his mouth would be. There was an earnestness in his speech, it might have had something to do with his very old-timey accent, but I still felt like he was trying to be friendly.
“Another batch of faulty dynamite. Everyone’s dead. But what else is new.”
He brought his left palm to his face, perhaps to wipe away tears, but instead his hand travelled through his nonexistent head to scratch a small portion of his back.
“Been dead for many years I’m afraid. But I’ve kept busy. Been a good man. Worked very hard for the boss upstairs.”
He gestured upwards with the pickaxe. I looked up, and out in the distance, I saw a large, ancient, set of wooden stairs that I must have fallen from. They extended far up into the mine’s ceiling and kept going.
“He’s gotten good ore from me. Good, shining, golden ore. I have a knack for it you see. The same knack that killed me so many years ago. It's probably what’s still keeping me around though.”
He came closer. I could see he had brown irises, with one of the cataracts deteriorating into milky white haze. The eyes stared at me, unblinking.
“Because I’m not done, see. This mine isn’t empty. I know there’s more gold. Much more. And it’s not all for the boss. No, I’m keeping some to myself. Don’t tell him, but I’ve been stashing a large deposit for myself. It can’t all be his of course. It’s my mine after all. Half these tunnels were dug entirely by me. So of course I deserve some. It’s only natural.”
I lifted my hand and pointed at the staircase behind him. I mouthed very big, obvious words. “I have to go back. I’m going back up those stairs.”
He shifted his body. His two eyes turned in the air as if they were still inside an invisible skull. I saw nerve endings at the back undulate and twist.
“Yes, that is the only way up.”
My heart was in my throat. At least I found some form of communication. I gestured to knee height and nervously asked if he had seen a “large, shaggy dog.”
“Ah yes. I’ve seen the pooches. They come down here sometimes. When the booms don’t scare em that is. Hahah.”
I gave a thumbs up. It felt like a ridiculous interaction with a ghost, or zombie or whatever this was, but at least it was working.
“I think I saw his little tail run over that way. They like the smell of the mineral spring.”
I turned behind to see the long tunnel he was pointing at. It was dimly lit by a chain of smaller lanterns.
I thought I saw a flutter of movement, and I would have kept looking further if it wasn’t for my aunt’s voice that suddenly exploded in my ear. “Brrrzt … Ida! If you can hear us, we are calling the police to your location. Help is coming soon! … ”
I winced and stepped back—which saved my life. I just so happened to step right out of the way of a pickaxe. It sparked the ground.
I gasped and stared at the headless miner. His eyes were shimmering with a dark focus, staring directly at mine.
“Oh I’ll help you find the dog. I’ll help you find whatever you want. But I’ll need those clean new eyes of yours first.”
He swung at my head. I ducked. He went for the backswing. I ran.
Stupidly, I ran in the opposite direction of the stairs. I ran straight into the long tunnel lined with dim lanterns.
But I couldn’t turn around. I had no idea how quick he could move. And the speed of his pickaxe felt supernatural.
The tunnel was narrow, and lined with wooden tracks, I had to skip-run-jump over the panels with immense precision to make sure I didn’t trip. Behind me, his voice chased.
“Go ahead. Run. I know where these all lead.”
I ignored the words and kept going. The tunnel bent left, then right, then left again. I ignored several exits before the tunnel spat me out into an open, cavernous room filled with dozens and dozens of minecarts.
I investigated the room for anything useful. A far opposite wall appeared to be the site of the latest digging, loose rock lay everywhere.
There was a small mineshaft holding a chained up cart. And something in the cart shimmered…
It was gold.
And not just ore either. There were bars, coins, medallions, and jewelry. Mrs. Winslow’s bangles were right on top.
I ran to the cart furthest from the entrance and ducked behind it, breathing heavily, coughing from all the dust.
The headless man emerged from the tunnel, pickaxe raised and scanning where I could have hid. “I may not be able to hear you. But I can follow footprints pretty easily hah. I know you’re in here.”
He grabbed the closest minecart available and pushed it into the tunnel entrance. With an immense show of strength, he lifted and dislodged the cart off the track, cramming it sideways, creating a massive obstacle.
I was sealed inside.
Trying to stay absolutely still, I coughed through my teeth. Lungs burning. My mom’s voice came through.
“Brrzzztt… The police should be there! I told them you were in danger! They said they sent a unit over. Maybe they broke down the front door?”
I looked up at the mine shaft next to me. If it did connect to the surface upstairs, this was my only chance.
I gave a couple good yells. “HEEEEELP!!! DOWN HERE!! HELP!”
I don’t know if it did any good, but it was better than nothing. I turned to see if the miner had heard anything.
He hadn't.
The pickaxe tapped and clanged awkwardly around minecart after minecart.
I had a bigger advantage than I thought.
Although the miner had two floating eyeballs, only the left one was really capable of seeing anything.
So I kept my distance and watched where he was going, always staying behind.
As he limped and peered around minecarts, I was able to evade him, move from behind rock piles and other carts, careful not to leave a trail in the rock dust.
It was all going well until I heard a familiar panting.
“Oh look. If it isn’t precious.”
The dog had managed to jump over the miner’s blockade. It must have heard my yells. Surprisingly, Kipper was unafraid of the headless villain, and even approached him to receive pets.
“Now why don’t you go say hello to our other friend here huh? I know she's here somewhere.”
No. Kipper. Please. Don’t.
The dog started sniffing. Within seconds he found my scent. Kipper skipped towards me like Lassie and excitedly licked my face.
“Aww there we are. Now isn’t that a good boy?”
I stood up and stared at the filthy, ash-stained coveralls. Despite the lack of teeth, I could sense a menacing grin where the mouth should be.
He wasn't going to lose sight of me now. I had nowhere to go.
So I did the thing my auntie said worked on all spirits. I fell to my knees and prayed.
“Please. I only came here for work. I’m too young to die. Let me go and I won't tell anyone that you're here.”
He stood over me. Both of his pupils started to quiver. In just a few seconds, his eyes were swimming excitedly within the space of his head.
I took off the only valuable I had. A gold necklace with a miniature version of Christ the Redeemer. A gift I had received as a teen in Rio. I held it out in my shaking hands.
“Please. Take it. Take everything.”
Suddenly both the eyeballs stared forward again, entranced by the gold.
“Well look at that. How generous. How generous of her. We should reward generosity shouldn’t we?”
***
It was hard for me to describe to the police officer how exactly I got out, because I have no idea.
The fiery pain where my eyes used to be overwhelmed my entire reality for hours. All I wanted was for it to stop.
They found me half inside a dumbwaiter bleeding to death from the gouges in my face.
I was taken to the hospital, where I would spend the next four weeks recovering.
The police did not in fact storm the house like my mom said. They waited outside for the homeowner to return. But when they heard my screams coming from the top floor, they broke the back door and eventually came to my rescue.
I’m told they did a thorough investigation but could not find any of the things I described.
The basement door led into a regular basement. It was filled with old furniture, unused decor, and paint cans. No Mine.
The dumbwaiter was also just a dumbwaiter. It wasn’t some mine shaft, and it didn’t lead any deeper than the basement. Nothing special.
There were definitely hot springs close by, but nothing close enough to damage Mr. Winslow's property. And there was an old, depleted gold mine not far away either, but it was completely abandoned, closed off, and nowhere near as big as the one I had described.
***
The police, paramedics and doctors all thought my story was some hallucination. That I had been on drugs or had some mental breakdown (even though they couldn’t find anything in me other than small traces of weed.)
Thankfully, my mother and aunt believed me. They believed every word. My aunt is the one who encouraged me to make this post, so others could hear my story.
I know it was real.
I know it was.
And Mr. Winslow is fully aware of the mine’s existence.
Putting the dots together, I realized it was likely the source of his wealth. Winslow had some control over that one headless miner down there.
Did Winslow intentionally entrap me? Was he trying to get the miner a new set of eyes? Or was it all an unfortunate accident?
I might never know.
But what I do know is that Mr. Winslow has been paying for our rent ever since the accident.
He feels “terrible about the situation” and “can’t possibly imagine” what I’ve been through.
But he knows what happened.
He knows if I really pushed, If I really forced the police, or some private investigator to look into it—they would uncover something awful. Something really really bad.
“Anything you need. Anything at all. I will cover it, Ida.” He said. “You helped me out, protected my dogs, and I will never forget it.”
He’s offered to pay for the rest of my University schooling. And once my face heals up, he’s even offered to cover for some very expensive, experimental eye-transplant. We’ll see how that goes.
“You and your family will live comfortably from now on. You’ll want for nothing. Tell me exactly what you need, And you’ll get it.”
So I told him I'd like my necklace back. It was an heirloom. I said I lost it somewhere in his house.
A few days later, he returned with the usual smug, half-crooked smirk in his voice. He brought the necklace back in a box, pretending he had bought me a new one. Except it felt exactly like my old one.
It was all shined up, completely buffed of scratches, but it weighed the same. It was my old one for sure.
When my mom saw it she asked, “did it always have it? This dedication?”
As far as I remembered, the backside of the tiny Christ the Redeemer was always plain. I fingered its shape in my hands.
“What dedication?”
The new little divots caught my nails. There was writing that was definitely not there before.
My mom described it as a curly, serif font. Like a gift for a lover.
~ You’re an angel ~
~ W ~

When I was 14 I got braces. It was purely for cosmetic reasons more than anything. I had no overcrowding, no overlapping, no "extra" teeth. I had zero jaw pain, bite was fine, no problems opening/closing my mouth, no headaches or neck pain. My front 2 teeth weren't exactly level with each other but other than that everything was fine. I think my parents thought I should get them since every kid my age had them and it was just the thing to do. In hindsight this should have been a simple correction.
Part of my treatment plan included removing 4 perfectly healthy teeth. It didn't make any sense at the time, but we trusted the orthodontist. Over the course of my treatment, the gaps were cinched closed. I needed such minimal correcting that I only wore braces for a total of 11 months.
After I got my braces off I started noticing small "issues". I remember my mom said to me, "The way you talk sounds different, like you've got a wad of bubble gum in your mouth." We laughed it off and chocked it up to me just getting used to not having braces on. Then other things started happening: I started to get VERY loud ringing in my ears, my jaw would get stuck while laying in my bed talking on the phone, I started to have sinus problems, BAD migraines, I couldn't sleep, my neck was stiff and painful, and I was incredibly tired all. the. time. Sports became more and more difficult to keep up with. But after many doctors visits - my parents and I were told "It's just growing pains."
Cut to me right out of college at my first big job and living in the big city. I'm at the dentist getting my annual checkup. He's telling me about this new technology called Invisalign. I start to tell him about my awful experience in the years following my first orthodontia treatment. How my dental arch feels smallemore narrow, how there's not enough space for my tongue to sit comfortably and how I'm always having to pull it back, how I can't pronounce or annunciate clearly, how I don't sound the same when I sing, how I've begun to choke in my sleep at night despite being fit, how I get migraines all the time, the loud tinnitus in my ears, on and on. He proceeds to recommend Invisalign to see if it will help correct my issues. I (stupidly) agree.
Long story short -- it made my issues WORSE. I should have known it was going to be bad when he started shaving in between my teeth, squeezing everything down even smaller. When I told him my bite felt worse -- he told me maybe I should see a psychologist.
Many years later and suffering from worsening issues, I decided to give it one more shot. I researched orthodontists for a whole year. I met with a few and ended up going with one who seemed to truly understand my issues -- that there just wasn't enough room in my mouth, causing me what I now knew to be TMJ Syndrome. She wanted to see if we could achieve relief via traditional braces. Again, I agreed.
Things seemed to be going very well and I had relief for the first time in years. My jaw wasn't getting stuck all the time and my face actually got slimmer because I wasn't clenching my jaw muscles. One day I was at the dentist for my annual cleaning. In order to do the cleaning they said they had to remove my wires. So they did. They gave them to me in a ziplock bag to take back to my ortho to have them re-installed. What a mistake.
So I went back to my ortho the next day. I could tell she was annoyed and expressed that she was not happy they took my wires out. Then, I'm not sure why, but she could not figure out which way the wires were supposed to go back on. She must have flipped them upside them and downside up 6-7 times lining them up on my brackets. She said the dilemma was whether or not the tension was correct or if the wires got bent when the dental assistant pulled them off. She eventually put them back on and I could tell right away they were NOT on correctly. The next day my teeth were torqued at a downward angle. Over the next few weeks everything started to regress. I let her know I wasn't happy. She wasn't either as we were about 5 mos from finishing. I was horribly upset and told her my bite didn't feel the same as before I went to the dentist. I think she was so frustrated with me and my dentist's office that she just wanted me to finish treatment and be done with me.
All this time and money spent, all the different doctors and specialists I've been sent to. Neurologists, psychologists, more orthodontists, functional orthodontists, functional dentists, night guards, botox, cyclobenzaprine, sleep specialists, ENTS, etc... no one can seem to help. The ones who claim they can want $40K each for upper and lower. I've already spent close to $35K trying to figure out how to fix this. I don't have another $40K. I'm so sick of it and I don't know what to do anymore.

Hello, and sorry for my lack of reading comprehension, I'm having a hard time focusing on anything right now. I noticed that in the study, it says that only somatic tinnitus sufferers were sampled; is the device likely, based on what we know, to have an effect on non-somatic sufferers as well? I'd really like some hope going forward, but I believe my tinnitus is unaffected by my jaw / forehead as far as I can tell, despite having TMJ most of my life at 23 years of age.
I'm on day 3 of the ringing, going to an ENT tomorrow after seeing an Urgent Care GP today who recommended Flonase, which I have since taken once. Not yet sure if it's permanent, but it currently sounds pretty loud. The source was 2-4 suppressed subsonic 9mm shots from an AR-style rifle (in which case the action of the gun next to my ear is probably the loudest part), no immediate pain or discomfort, didn't notice the ringing until trying to sleep that night. Any advice, things to avoid/pursue, coping strategies appreciated.
Having TMJ, and having slight ringing from that, it was completely fine until now. Now it feels like I have my face next to a CRT TV, listening to static all the time with no off switch. Sleep is difficult, and I gently bumped someone's car slowing down while driving (thankfully, no damage to either car). I just want to sleep and focus, I can't afford to lose my job because I can't think straight.
Edit: most of all, my endless sympathy to those who have suffered with this for so long.

so my PA has been trying to break up with me. he’s almost a year sober on june 1st, has quit other addictions as well. last summer we were broken up because we had a second D-Day. i left that day. the the whole summer he confessed painful disclosures. not even about our relationship but basically lied about who was as a person. he confessed childhood trauma that happened to him and trauma he’s perpetuated. it was a lot. and i was still getting confessions of things for months into the fall and winter. they weren’t as heavy but it was things like thinking about other women which was extremely hurtful. he did not confess these things to hurt me because he has come radical throughout this process of confessions because he wants to rid his conscience. with time, he’s learned what is and isn’t appropriate to share.
anyway, every single time, i felt like i could pick myself up like “ok we just have to get over this one thing”, there was another confession, then another one, then another. jesus fucking christ. i stayed because i knew that he had a lot of trauma and i wanted to love him through this. but unfortunately my healing fell to the wayside and i had become extremely anxious and paranoid. this has caused a lot of repetitive arguments for us. i feel like i am broken. during these arguments he says it’s too much and wants to break up.
i’m like okay great, i was collateral damage so you can become this whole healthy individual and then now that im broken because of YOU, you want to leave and not have the patience to stay for me to heal and work on things. and i’ve made SO much progress. im so angry about this. never again will i be Barb the Builder. i told him i could’ve left you last year struggling but i didn’t. i fixed you. and you broke me. it’s bullshit. he decided he doesn’t want to break up anymore but i’m really like fuck you, you’re still a piece of shit, you just don’t watch porn anymore.

Hi everyone,
I used to frequently lurk on this reddit looking for some ways to deal with my case of anxiety induced OAB. I thought I’d chime and share a success story that had with my battle with overactive bladder. I just want to start with some background I’m 29m with not major medical or health complications, I’m healthy and physically active (at the time that my symptoms really cracked off I was probably the fittest I had been in my life).
My symptoms all started in August of 2022 and they came on suddenly. To set the scene it was a beautiful sunny Saturday and I had some plans to go surfing with some mates latter in the afternoon. There was some pretty good swell due at one of my favourite beaches in town and I was super exited (maybe a little nervous because it was going to be kind of larger surf that I was used to. In the morning I had breakie and a cup of coffee. I was really excited about this new coffee that I had got from the store. Immediately after the coffee I was a little anxious but nothing out of the ordinary, I thought it was nervous jitters for the surf session. Anyways my mated pick me up and we head to the beach (it was about an hour drive away). On the car trip I remember having to pee but again nothing out of the ordinary. We go surfing for about 2-3 hours, and I didn’t have to go once the entire time I was out. I get out of the water and change, and that when it all started. I went to use the bathroom and immediately afterwards had to go again (I thought it was weird and tried to go again but there was nothing…okay…). pack up the car and start driving, and the urge was strong again, stoped to go again still not much again. So I suffered for the rest of the car ride home feeling like I was going to go in my pants the whole time. It was at this point my anxiety shot through the roof and I felt like a panic attack was coming on (I had one earlier in the year so I kind of recognized the symptoms of it). I get home and try everything I can to get myself to calm down and nothing worked. The plan was to go home and then meet my friend for homemade pizza at their house (20 minute drive away). I get ready and use the bathroom and get halfway to my friends house only to have to stop and go again. I struggle through the dinner have to excuse myself once or twice to go again still there was not too much. By the end of the day I had burned 3500 calories of stress. I figured it was anxiety at the time and I hoped that it would get better in the morning.
But that urge became something I constantly had to deal with, and when I say constant I mean like I’d go and immediately feel like I needed to go again (maybe 5 minutes of relief between visits). This would lead to me having to go to the bathroom maybe 20 times a day or so. I missed out on movies, shows, drinking with my mates, had to start planning my life around bathroom access, and coffee. (At the time I would have done anything to be able to have a pint or a cup of coffee with my mated and not have to worry about my symptoms getting worse). All this worry was starting consume a large part of my day to day thinking. I mean it’s not like it a symptom that you can just ignore. Fomos and the general anxiety around whether was was going to get better This really stressed me out and made the problem much worse as time went on.
I figured I’d wait and see before going to the doctor see what was going on. After about a week with nothing getting better I decided to go see a doctor. They did some test which all came back negative, I had an ultrasound and everything was clear. At the ultrasound appointment with less than 100ml of liquid in my bladder the feeling was so intense the lady even showed me that there was nothing there on her screen (again this clued me into thinking maybe this was a physiological issue rather than physical one). They said there was nothing that they could find that was medically wrong with me but they would refer me to a urologist to give me the all clear. At this point in my mind there were not major medical issues with me, so there were two potential causes (1) anxiety and (2) a nagging injury. Re (2) I had a nagging groin injury that I sustained at the beginning of the year. I was going to pt for it and thought I could have been surfing from a hypertonic pelvic floor and that was causing the oab symptoms. I couldn’t get an appointment for several months so there was a long period of just waiting while still battling with this constant urge to use the bathroom.
After that appointment I figured I’m dealing with the injury with pt already so maybe I should try to focus on the anxiety aspect. So I tired everything that I could do to reduce my symptoms, drink less coffee, meditate (headspace), saw a therapist, stepped back my work as much as I could to get some time to relax, kept physically active (surfing running climbing multiple times a week), spent time with friends and still nothing made me feel better.
I think this was a period where I was the most stressed that I had ever been. Lets just say 2022 was a year I would not want to repeat anytime soon. To list all that I had going on (tw: cancer, suicide(friend), family member death ) :

1. I was living abroad in nz and was far from family, and my partner. My dad earlier in the year had been diagnosed with cancer and was going through treatments.
2. My really good friend attempted suicide twice (The first time I was the closest person to him and he confided in me with his intentions and everything. Probably the most stressful we ek of my life)
3. My friends mental health emergency lead to me having to move flats on short notice because I didn’t feel safe where I lived because I was threatened by my friend after calling the cops on him to do a wellness check. I went from living in boarding situation with 12 really good friends to living in a studio which was super isolating.
4. I felt afraid around the town because of these treats and made it harder to relax. Plus running which was my biggest outlet for stress and the thing that I did with my friend became to hard for me to do. It kept giving my ptsd flashbacks of the event.
5. my grandfather passed away shortly after my father was diagnosed with cancer.

(tw:end)

1. I was in the process of writing my thesis at the time and had my defence deadline approaching nearer and nearer.
2. I was planning on moving back to my home country at the end of the year which meant that I was going to loose my whole support system and have to start fresh again. I had to worry about selling most of the stuff I own (car, furniture, clothes, surfboards etc.)
3. I was also planning a carrier change from one research to a completely different field of study. I’m an academic and I wanted try something new. You either get to pick where you live or the research you do.
4. worried about jobs I was going to get when I moved back and how I was going to support myself. This is related to 8)

I feel like any one of these events would be a lot to deal with on its own. This was all coming off the tail end of covid as well, thing were starting to get back to normal but there were still periodic lock downs. I feel like it had been a year of very high constant stress and everything together overloaded me. It hasn’t been uncommon for anxiety to manifest as physical symptoms for me before. I remember earlier in the year before the oab really kicked off that I couldn’t eat food without it making me feel sick. it turns out that anxiety cracks up stomach acid and that can make you feel nauseous. The doctor was able to help me out with.
Well to continue the story I went and saw urologist and he said that everything was clear and there was nothing to worry about. Just have to wait for things to calm down, he did give me some oxybutynin that didn’t really help. Then shorty after that I had to sell everything I owned and I flew back home. I remember that flight being kind of hard, I was sad to leave the country and anxious for the new life I was about to begin. It really enhanced the symptoms that I was experiencing.
I moved back to the USA at the end of 2023 and that is when I began trying to tackle this problem in earnest. The urologist recommended that I tried bladder retraining while it was helpful to see progress it still didn’t help with the symptoms that much. I tired cbd for my anxiety and had some success. It seemed to help manage my symptoms. I moved from summer in the southern hemisphere, to the middle of the winter in the northern hemisphere and the lack of sun didn’t help my mental health.
At this point I could go maybe 30 minutes between trips to the bathroom. I didn’t have coffee, or alcohol (didn’t even dream of it). Car trips were miserable, would spend most of them stressed I wouldn’t find a bathroom. Still had the constant urge to use the bathroom. Things were not fun. Luckily I had a decent amount of money in savings so I took some time to relax while I was waiting to defend my thesis. (I think I took about 6-7 months to myself)
Okay I’m sure you all know all that symptoms and how miserable they can be. Here’s what worked for me:
First thing I’d say is go see a doctor. Reddit is great but a doctor will be able to tell if there is anything physically wrong with you. Then trust what they say. When are you a dealing with a health related thing that is related to anxiety the most important thing is to make sure that you have a clean bill of health.
Once you know nothing is wrong physically here are some ways of dealing with oab caused my anxiety:

1. Talk: Talk to your love ones about what you are dealing with. Tell them you are struggling with this medical issue and you may need to pull over and use the bathroom or disappear for a couple minutes. They will understand if they love you. I waited a long time to open up to my partner about this, and I felt a lot better after I told her what I was struggling with.
2. Face this head on: Don’t retreat still do things go outside got to shows bars the store. You will be able to find a bathroom you don’t need to worry. Remember that stuff that you love to do don’t let oab rule your life. Its going to be scary but its good to face these anxieties head on. If you start canceling events because you are afraid of bathroom access will lead to further isolation, and eventually agoraphobia (not a good place to end up)
3. Bladder retraining: This gives you a way to track progress and play chicken with your bladder in a controlled manner. You are trying to teach your brain the difference between really and fake signals. This will help you gain trust in yourself again. Remember this is gradual process.
4. Professional help. Shortly after getting back to the states I started getting professional help to deal with all the stress I had in my life. I needed somewhere where I could process everything I was going through. I got the quickest appointment I could and took the first one I could get. By involving doctors and therapist and even your loved ones you are not tackling this problem alone anymore you have a team of people helping you. Plus they can give you ideas on how to manage your stress and anxiety.
5. Headspace: In a similar vein headspace and mindfulness will help with learning how to acknowledge how we are feeling and move on. We are always going to need to use the bathroom there is no way around it and we sometimes will have the feeling that we need to go when we don’t need to. In the same way there is no getting rid of anxiety, what mindfulness does is help change our relationship with these feelings. You could try the session on chronic pain because what we are experiencing is a persistent unwanted sensation from out body like a form of pain. There is also more general ones about anxiety. I think we can borrow some of the ideas that people dealing with chronic pain use to to deal with the urges that we experience ( I don’t know how much there is to this though).
6. (a) side tangent: I saw this guy in nz who said that when people are dealing with heartache sometimes taking a painkiller (like Tylenol or ibuprofen) can help deal with the pain. Even though the pain is psychosomatic the feeling is still real, and the painkiller can actually help with managing the heartbreak. (see)
7. Medication: Trying anti anxiety meds was the biggest thing for me. What I really needed after all the stress was some mental space. For me lexapro gave me this space. I know that finding the right medication to be on can be hard and its a long process to find the one that is right for you. I’m currently on the lowest dose (5mg) and I have been taking it for about 1.5 years with little side effects (only if I miss a dose I feel a little dizzy in the evening). I know anti-anxiety meds get a bad wrap these days and I feel like there is a lot of misinformation about them. People worry that it is going numb them that they are going to feel like themselves, or that people are going to judge them for taking it, but in my case that hasn’t been my experience. If you are at a high level of stress it can help bring you back down to baseline, it can give you the space to acknowledge the things that make you feel anxious and move on. I highly recommend trying this out. I should also say here that it does take 1.5-2 months for the meds to really start working, and during that time your anxiety can increase (but its worth it!!!)
8. CBD: if you don’t want to try an anti anxiety med try CBD, it really helps with stress and I found that it was pretty good at helping with some OAB symptoms at first but you build up a tolerance to it when you are taking it daily, and it can become expensive. What I found that worked for me was around 10-15mg 3 times a day (breakfast lunch and dinner). This helped me be less stressed in the car our when I was out walking places and there was no bathroom nearby.

When this all started I didn’t ever think I was going to be able to enjoy a cup of coffee again or go to a bar and have a pint and drive home with out a worry. After working at this for the last 2 years I’ve been able to get to a place where I can have a coffee and then go for a long car ride and have no symptoms. I’m able to go to a triva night and enjoy a beer without having to get up every 10 minutes to use the bathroom. I’m able to sit through meeting without having to leave 3-4. I’ve been able to give a 1 hr long talk to a large group of people (something I wouldn’t have been able to do because oab at the beginning of all this) with no issues. In my experience there is no instant cure for this, don’t say this to be negative but more so to say that its going to take hard work, and there is hope. I was able to overcome this thing and so can you! I hope this helps and thanks for taking the time to read my post.

Hey all! Just joined this subreddit and first post here :))
Haven’t shaved my legs in MONTHS because of health issues and I get winter where I live so I typically don’t do it during those months and I’d like to start shaving again soon since it’s getting pretty nice out, but I know it’ll be a pain in the butt to just do it with a cheap, disposable razor.
If anyone has any tips/tricks on how to make it less annoying/easier on my self, I’d greatly appreciate it.
Thanks in advance.

Every day we wake up to news,
They say none is good so guess you can see the ruse
Hate information because complacent citizens make the nation one easier to run
But in the process, we lost us, we soulless now,
Gun in hand to destroy another life
Another objective fact
One big movie like Running Man
Endless night is where we seem to be careening to
We used to be dreamers too
But now the images switched to horror and atrocity
Shots dropped at an artery with absolutely no second thoughts
And we wonder where we first went wrong
Seems like the broken homes we clawed a life from still catch up like the dawn
Cycical natures got my mind running circles looking for reasons
For this hateful shit bubbling up from our species
Like some dormant, latent secret
Kept quiet til this moment, now it's racing, like time for those whose heads are leaking
Most feel like prayers fall on deaf ears
So we all seething, reaching, touching depths of rage where a page couldn't keep it In place
This more like a novel, an epic, the biological product of our twisted essence
The quicker you accept it, with haste we can redirect it
And instead of all this hate and pain hitting like drops of rain
We could raise the populace to a range
Where we overcome obstacles, popping paradigms so the same outcomes break like window panes
-R&R, Tha Velocirapper

Hello mold subreddit. First time reddit poster here. Thank you in advance for any insight you can offer to my case. In what follows, I'm going to first describe the health journey that led to my mold discoveries and questions, so please bear with me through the health stuff. I have included excessive detail in the hopes that my case might help others navigate possible mold problems.
If you don't feel like reading all the below, the tl:dr version: After struggling with unknown health issues for 15 months, I eventually linked my symptoms to my new home and subsequently discovered very high volatile organic chemical levels. I linked the VOCs to mold. I also had a mold inspection done, and the results are at the bottom of this post. The levels of mold were high in my kitchen and bathroom. However, oddly, the mold levels in the outside control group were much higher than inside. Can anyone help me understand how high my indoor mold levels are? Does anyone know whether the outdoor levels are reasonably normal? Is my specific blend of mold types implicated in neurological symptoms for others? And if anyone has dealt with mold before, do my possible mold symptoms described below seem similar to ones that you've had?
I bought my townhome in late 2022. Within four months, I started having new neurological symptoms. These symptoms started with a postural tremor in my left index finger and thumb. The same hand eventually began to appear smaller and shriveled, especially around my thumb. I also started having extremely frequent muscle twitches and jerks. These twitches take three general forms:

1. The most common is an odd sensation of something wiggling under my skin. These primarily happen in my face, around my mouth, my butt/legs, and ribs.
2. A pulsing regular beat in a muscle that lasts for several seconds and in some cases longer. These usually happen near joints, especially just above my elbows and knees. These are almost always visible to the naked eye.
3. A sensation of rapid vibrating underneath the skin that lasts briefly. These vibrations are usually not visible but you can feel them if you press a hand over the area.

The twitches and apparent change to my hand have lasted for 16 months. At this point, the tissue loss in my thumb is also apparent in my forearm and upper left arm. My leg on the same side arm appears different and feels as if it has lost some muscle. I also have frequent trembling with specific muscles when I flex them. For example, sometimes when I try to hold a smile my face muscles will shake or give out. My neck tissues are especially liable to shake and vibrate when flexed, such as when doing tasks like flossing where I need to hold my lips back. On a few separate occasions, I have felt slight paralysis on one side of my face for an evening or so that then mysteriously goes away.
Aside from these neurological symptoms, I also have had frequent hoarseness, sneezing, jaw pain, and headaches. My joints often feel like they are more bony and poppy, especially in my left knee and knuckles. In addition, I've had a lot of issues with one ear on the same side as the shriveled hand. The ear had an apparent infection or cloudiness 12 months ago that went away, it then had recurrent pulsatile tinnitus, and now it just occasionally hurts at random times. There have been many other symptoms.
I have seen two neurologists, an endocrinologist, an ear-nose-throat doctor, and an orthopedic doctor. I've had countless tests done including two electromyographies (EMGs) over my whole body several months apart, an MRI, and a lyme disease blood panel. Every test has been normal, although the orthopedic doctor suggested possible thoracic outlet syndrome. The neurologist said my nerves are quite robust. My borrelia blood panel came back negative, although as a side note I did have a tick bite in early 2022 that caused a rash. I was treated for Lyme with 10 days of doxycycline. The tick bite itself still occasionally flares up red and its timing might be correlated with my symptoms.
Back to the house-- I was on a two week vacation out of state and noticed my twitches go away. Then I saw my arm become more normal sized again and the veins start to come back. I didn't feel the same joint issues, had no hoarseness, lost the headaches. All the symptoms came back as soon as I returned home, but nevertheless after that vacation and subsequent extended trips, I was able to conclude with a reasonable level of confidence that these symptoms are linked to the house. I bought an air filter and an air quality monitor that shows volatile organic chemicals, PM, formaldehyde, and C02.
Using the air quality monitor, I discovered that volatile organic chemicals (VOCs) and formaldehyde were usually abnormally high and sometimes extremely high. VOCs are usually above safety thresholds at >0.5 mg/m3 and formaldehyde >0.1 mg/m3. Sometimes, the VOC levels will stay consistently above 1.8mg/m3. I witnessed them reach a peak level of 5mg/3 in one bedroom late at night when I was woken up by a feeling of shortness of breath. I tried but failed to correlate these high VOCs to electronics, chemical sources in the home, cooking sources, heaters, and cleaning supplies. The way the VOCs would spike all over the house for no apparent reason in the evening helped me rule out some of these other possibilities. I also actively removed other sources.
Eventually, I realized that the VOCs were likely caused by mold, so-called microbial VOCs. The formaldehyde could also be explained by mold. The levels of VOCs would spike on rainy days, when the humidity was high inside, and in the evening. I don't think any other chemical source near the house would display this pattern. It took me a while to reach this conclusion because the mold issue in my house isn't too obvious. The house has always had a slight musty smell, especially if the air is stagnant for a while. The bathroom also has recurring mold growth on a tiles, in the shower, and on the various shower liners. A couple cabinets in the kitchen have always smelled musty. I didn't think these obvious signs of mold growth were that big of a deal, but given the extremely high levels of VOCs I now believe the mold has always been the issue.
Once I realized it was likely mold, I started noticing all the signs. The house is about 100 years old. The prior two owners of this house each moved out within five months. The house is not ventilated except from windows. It sits in a damp area near where water puddles up in the yard. It's mostly solid brick, so the house frame has a way of trapping hot air and releasing a lot of moisture onto the floors each evening. There's also a cheap layer of vinyl flooring throughout that could easily cover up a massive mold problem underneath. Finally, the townhome sits on top of an old shared crawl space that was used as a furnace. It has had known water puddling issues for which reason a vapor guard was installed underneath my first floor.
So, I had a mold inspection done. The results are at the bottom of this post. The bathroom results might be diluted because I left the window open the night before. Nevertheless, both my kitchen and bathroom had mold detected at levels between 6480 - 12,300 spores/m3. Oddly, the outdoor levels of all of the molds were often much higher, 3-6 fold higher than the levels indoors. It was a humid day, but it still seems odd for me that an outdoor space could have higher levels than indoors.
On later reading about my specific mold spores and neurological symptoms, I noticed that the two most elevated groups of spores in my house, ascospores and basidiospores, are the same class as all of the funguses known to have colonized the nervous system of ALS patients according to this published article. Those specific types of fungus found in the nerves of ALS patients are Candida, Malassezia, Fusarium, Botrytis, Trichoderma, and Cryptococcus. It naturally led me to wonder if my chronic als-type neurological symptoms could be caused by some latent fungal infection in my body that gradually improves when I'm away from the home.
Wrapping up this thread, I have a bunch of questions.

• Does anyone have the same kinds of molds (see below) in their home and have the ability to speak to how problematic my levels are from their own experience?
• Why would the outdoor control be so high? I do compost and garden, but all of the compost is buried underground.
• Is my specific blend of mold types implicated in neurological symptoms?
• Do my symptoms seem similar to mold-related symptoms that you might have had? I'm trying to figure out if mold is a likely culprit or if I should keep seeking help for possible tickborne illness or other issues.
• Should my mold levels be a cause to stay away from this house as much as possible? Should I ever return?
• Do I need to throw away all my belongings like books clothes and sheets?
• Would a very high quality HEPA air purifier make any difference?
• Is there some kind of public health representative that could help me navigate this or a type of mold doctor who could help me investigate the causes of my symptoms and seek the right kinds of medication?
• Do you have any other advice for someone in my situation?

My mold inspection results

Hi I remember reading a lot here, after going through SSHL, I just want to share my experience maybe someone may find it useful, find something you need to read, or whatever. I don't live in usa, Im unemployed, no medical care or social insurance. public health service? I will be even lucky if i get a general doctor to see me after 8 hours waiting, if not an emergency where I'm wounded and bleeding. no priority. a ENT specialist? those doesn't exist for public health. you have to pay and its expensive. i remember I got strong cold symptoms, without nasal congestion, no throat pain, no coughing, it just felt more like Covid, I already got covid twice before. these symptoms lasted two days. the third day when i felt better at night i woke up midnight, turned on the PC when i started to felt ear fullness in my right ear. never got an ear fullness as hard as that day, it happened before but i could hear, when i went to the beach, but never because of cold, I couldn't hear almost anything in my right ear. First I thought was because I was sick, but no nasal congestion, or respiratory symptoms, I started to worry after a few hours, this ear fullness never lasted long for me, and i noticed i couldn't hear nothing. so i started to search for information if because covid you can lose your hearing, found there was cases, they were rare but they existed, that's when I found about sudden hearing loss, and about the hum test, and about corticosteroids, did the hum test, I could only hear my left hear. first i tried to clean my ears with a hot bath, but same nothing. I talked to my sister she works with my uncle, he is a doctor, he lend an otoscope to her. when she came home she looked at my ear with the otoscope, nothing, clean ear. she had some dexamethasone 8mg/2ml, fuck it. told her to hit me a shot on my cheek, she did, after half an hour i felt totally relaxed, weird sensation, my uncle the general doctor told me to go and see an ENT specialist, but with no money? they told me at least 4 different test, blood test, audiogram, MRI, all of them expensive. I told my sister to keep giving me shots of dexamethasone for one week. each day i felt kinda worse because of the dexamethasone, a lot of hungry, and digestive acid issues, sleep issues, also constipated, daily i test myself with different kind of headsets, couldn't hear anything at the beginning, but after the five day started to see some improvement, i started to hear some notes again mostly the musical notes between C4 and C7, high pitch or high frequency notes nothing yet. but each day after the five the i started to notice a small improvement in my hearing, I remember that i got strong need of eating spicy food, very spicy, so spicy that i could feel it on my ears. after the 7 day I stopped taking shots of dexamethasone, at the eight day I noticed a strong improvement, after 7 shots of dexamethasone 1 daily and after 3 days eating spicy food I don't know why but it felt good in my ears, I started to hear almost all notes from piano, some distorted some low but day one was nothing, also I could start to distinguish conversations again, big improvement if i was 80% hearing loss i got back 50% again, I kept doing shots of dexamethasone one every three days for about a week, after that i stopped the shots of dexamethasone completely. 16 days later i got my most of my hearing back, though still less than my left ear but not by much, and some high frequencies still low, t frequencies above 10k hard to hear if not high volume, now 30 days later, I can say i almost got most of my hearing back 90% right ear vs 100% from my left ear, a bit less but i can hear everything, all notes all kind of noises musical tones as before, I want to share this experience maybe someone find something useful here, there is no reason to lie about this for me. but the first thing I did after realizing I was deaf from one ear was search for information everywhere, I was desperate.

Part I of my Story on the Empress GF, which may or may not yet come as a Meme in this AU from u/Sweet_older-Sister. But whether or not, I wrote this up and wanted to share it with you, with Part II soon to follow.
WARNING: If you expect this to be a harsh takedown or bashing of AU!Big E, I have to disappoint you. She WILL be criticized, but I personally prefer him/her to be a sympathetic, ultimately well-meaning, if highly flawed, Character. Also, the SO for Big E is both perpetual and a Psyker, just not one anywhere near her Level. That said, I kept them Gender-neutral, so if you wanna imagine them and Big E as Golden Space Lesbian Mommies, feel free to do so!
Regardless of all that, however, I mostly just hope you can enjoy this! Have fun!
I open the door to her chamber, paying no heed tot he noises of raging battle, clearly audible despite all the walls, doors and distance between us and them.
As always, despite the gold-plated…everything, the most radiant thing in this room is still her.
Tall and proud she stands as she puts on the last pieces of her golden armor, light glowing off o fit, pure and bright. Her mighty sword hangs by her side and her long, raven black hair is flowing down her back. When she turns around, her glowing eyes, which seemed so often to somehow hold both the untold wisdom oft he wises changes and yet also the boundless arrogance oft he most reckless fools widen upon seeing me, before they swiftly narrow again.
„…I told my Companions to keep you away“, she says, her voice sounding cold and rejecting.
„Well, too bad“, I say, meeting her eyes without fear. „They know better than to try and keep me away when the two of us have to talk.“
Anger briefly flares up in her eyes. „There is nothing to talk about. You are distracting me from preparing for battle!“, she says, her voice cold, harsh and regal, demanding obedience. „As your Empress, I order you to leave. At once!!“
Most other men and women would have crumbled at this moment. Hastily apologized and retreated.
But not me.
I stand my ground and return her cold glare without flinching. „…I am not your Subordinate“, I say, firmly and steadfast. „Not at this moment. Right now, I am your Consort and equal, and as such, I refuse that order!!“
Her eyes widen before she grits her teeth. „You DARE defy your Empress?!“ She stomps a foot on the ground. „I command you, LEAVE!!“
I narrow my eyes. „No.“
„I SAID LEAVE!!!“ Her scream shakes the room far more harshly than the distant Artillery Fire ever had. Her voice rings not just in my ears, but in my mind and soul, as psychic pressure seems to drown the room.
And still, I stand my ground and glare up at the Golden Giantess above me. „NO!!“
Her mask is slowly cracking, her eyes wide and her breathing starting to become uneven. „I…I ORDER you to LEAVE-“
„And I REFUSE!!“ My own shout is not nearly as impressive in terms of sheer power…but it seems to hit the Empress of Mankind like a whiplash.
Her breathing going ever more ragged, she turns away from me. „There is NOTHING to talk about, now!! Leave!!“
I clench my fist, a wave of anger rushing through me. „You think you can just shut me out like that?! Confine me to a secure Chamber while you rush off to your Doom?! You selfish BITCH!! That’s NOT how it works!! Didn’t you promise me, all these Millennia ago?! That we would see this through together, come what may?! That you would never ignore me or shut me out?!“ I snort bitterly. „But, well, I suppose you broke that last promise a while ago. What’s one more, eh?!“
I swear I can hear her breath hitch in her throat. My heart clenches at the sound, but I soldier on. She NEEDS to hear this.
„And where did that lead us?! Oh, right: Besieged in our Palace by our own daughters and their sons that have fallen prey to our worst enemies, with all that’s left to do being a reckless assault on their Leader that could well get you killed!! An assault that I just NOW learned about from one of our older sons!! How could I forget that?!“
„Stop it!!“, she growls. „I…I have to-“
„You ALWAYS ‚have to‘!! And yet, you have never stopped considering if maybe you SHOULDN’T!! That would have saved us a lot of trouble, wouldn’t it?!“ I shake my head, glaring at her. „Maybe it’s time for you to finally get that obstinate head out of your golden laurels-“
„STOP IT!!“
„-and stop being the Empress of Mankind for a few fucking minutes-“
„S-stop it!“
„-so I can finally have a real fucking talk with the woman I fell in love with again-“
„S…stop…“ Her voice sounds almost pleading now, but I steel my heart and prepare the final blow.
„BEFORE I MIGHT LOSE HER FOREVER, JUST LIKE WE LOST OUR DAUGHTERS, YOU STUBBORN OLD WOMAN!!!“
I am panting heavily, finally feeling the hot tears running down my face. I didn‘t even realize that I have begun to cry…but, laying my wounded heart bare like this has brought up all the pain and suffering from the last few years all too strongly.
Slowly, hesitantly, she turns back around to face me. The Golden Halo framing her head has vanished, as had much of her glow…and her eyes, usually so regal and proud, are now brimming with tears, looking so ancient, tired and sad as they turn towards me.
The Mask that is the Empress of Mankind had crumbled away…and what remains is the woman I had learned to know and love, all those Millennia ago, when we first met at on shores of old Albion.
A woman so old, tired, weary and sad, so beaten down and wounded that I had begun to fear she was forever lost.
„I…I am sorry…“ Her voice is almost a whimper, carrying untold grief and regret as she collapses onto her bed, which nearly broke from the weight. „I am s-so sorry…I…I ruined everything…!“
She buries her face in her hands and begins to sob.
My heart clenches and I breathe out the last of my anger, relief flashing through my mind. I have gotten through to her, finally, for the first time in years.
Too late, I remind myself as sharp regret flashes through me. Far too late for far too many people…
But at least not entirely too late.
I sigh as I slowly walk up to and then sit down next to her. I reach up and gently place my hand on her armored arm.
„H-how…“ She finally whispers between sobs. „How did I screw this up so badly…? How did I let it come to this…?“
I sigh again. „…It was not entirely your fault“, I finally say. „The Game was rigged against us the moment the Four kidnapped them. The seeds were already sown. And…“ I look down, overwhelming regret in my heart. „And while you fucked up, it’s not like I have done too much better of a job...“
Images flash before my mind. Images of my…OUR daughters. Our darling little Girls and their significant others, our sons and daughters in law. Our greatest hope for Mankind and the Galaxy, our pride and joy. So many of them now lost forever, through our enemies fault and our own hubris.
I remember giving my blessing Hathor‘s attack on the Interex to avenge her Moonbeam, thinking nothing more of it, only for her to emerge as the Chosen Warmaster of Chaos…
I remember trying and failing to convince my Empress to give Petra more meaningful assignments, Campaigns where she can truly show her worth and skills, only to let myself be convinced that she and the Iron Warriors were needed too badly in these grueling Sieges…
I remember trying to talk Aurelia out of her worship of her Mother, to stop spreading Cults to her service over the Worlds, only to fail miserably..and to fail even more miserably in comforting her after she lost her Little Light on Monarchia…her mother and I had not talked for a while after that…
I remember chastising Alpharia and Omega for their reckless approach to collateral damage in their style of Warfare, chosing my words too harshly…
I remember coldly telling Alakhai that I do not approve of her significant other, getting into a loud shouting match over it…
I remember harshly rebuking Magnolia after Nicea, her reckless pursuit of Warp Knowledge pressing all the wrong buttons in me and, in my anger, making me compare her unfavorably to Lyanna and Mortia…
Next to me, she keeps crying, her shoulder trembling as years off suppressed guilt, regret and grief finally break through to the surface. „Our daughters…our sweet children…m-my fault…all my fault…!!“
Bitter guilt roils in my soul. „No“, I whisper quietly. „It was my fault, too. I…I wasn’t that good a parent, either…not to them, and not to our children in-law…“
...Where had we gone so wrong? We had raised children before! And not too badly, at that! So why had we now failed so miserably at keeping our Family together?!
…The answer is simple and bitter. Because we had severely overestimated our ability to be the parents they deserved while running an ever-expanding Empire of Conquest and balance between the two issues, especially since our daughters were vitally important Generals. Because we had trouble trusting people we didn’t know for a long time already, like Malcador, after Millennia of heartbreaks and betrayals. Not at all helped by the fact that we had been unable to bond with our daughters before they were taken from us as embryos.
But that is no excuse. The Lion’s share oft he blame falls on both our shoulders, and we know it. We had placed what we believed to be the needs of Mankind and the Imperium before our Family too many times…and now, we all had paid the price for this.
Oh, how the Four must be laughing at our foolishness…and, much as I HATE them for all they have done to us and our Family, I have to bitterly admit that they would be right to do so…
Still crying, she pulls me to her into a hug, which I gently return. Despite her towering over me, I had always felt the most comfortable with her when she was at this size.
…It provides a small measure of relief from the agonizing knowledge that a Number of our Children, now in service to those four fucking Cancer Tumors upon reality, are currently trying to breach into the Imperial Palace and destroy us, Mankind and all we have ever worked for. And the knowledge that some of our other children have already died at each others hands.
And now, my Empress would have to kill one more of our daughters to end this. Hathor, our best and brightest Girl, beloved and cherished, now our worst, most bitter enemy.
Our ultimate failure as Parents, laid bare.
„…I can never make up for what I have done“, my love finally says, her voice sad and resigned even as her tears still flow. „Not to them…and not to you. I am sorry…but I know that it changes nothing…“
I gently place a hand on her cheek. „…It does change one thing“, I say quietly. „That I know the woman I love is still there…“
„…I was not a good wife to you in these last years“, she whispers. „Almost as bad as I was a mother…“
I gently press my head against her. „…I forgive you“, I finally say.
She shakes her head. „I don’t deserve that…“
„Maybe not. But I forgive you, anyway.“ I look at her. „Just, please…promise me to never let your mask control you like this, again.“
She nods, burying her face in my shoulder. „I swear…I swear, I won’t…“
She is sincere. I can tell. I have known her too long not to.
„I didn’t want you to come here“, she says quietly. „I knew that if I saw you, I would crumble again…“
„Perhaps it was time for you to crumble“, I answer sadly. „To remind yourself that you are still human, at the core…not just the cold, calculating, uncaring Empress you had become…“
She tightens her hug, silence reigning for a few seconds. „…Thank you“, she finally whispers. „Thank you for…for snapping me out of this, one last time…“
Fear now rises within me. Despite knowing that this may be the last time I see her…I do not want to think about this. The idea of losing her forever after all we have been through…it is terrifying.
„…Please, don’t…don’t say that.“ Now it is I whose voice is shaking. „Our other daughters and children in-law…they still need you. The Imperium still needs you. I still need you! You…you will make it. You have been in tough spots before! You-“
She interrupts me, gently pressing her forehead against mine. „…If…if I don’t come back…promise me you’ll be there for them. For as long as you can. Please, my love…promise me you won’t give up. Promise me that you will be a better parent than I was…“
I swallow. „I…I promise.“ I finally whisper. And I mean it, as much as I desperately hope I will never have to face this future without her.
I try to calm myself. She will be fine. She will win…and after this War is over, we will finally make all the amends we can, save as many of our children as possible and finally, FINALLY do right by them…as they deserve, as we should have from the start!
We will!! We HAVE to!!
…I desperately cling onto this hope. The Alternatives…are too much to bare imagining.
She tightens her hug around me again as we sit there, quietly wishing that this last moment of quiet and calm, filled with regret and sorrow as it may be, would never end.
But it would. Soon. The Teleporters would be ready in mere Minutes.
Oh, how I wish I could accompany her onto the Vengeful Spirit, to confront our wayward daughter, perhaps, as I hoped foolishly, even save her…but I know that this is the one thing she will never allow. As a Psyker, I am powerful, but never as strong as Malcador, let alone her or any of our daughters. Chaos would not hesitate to kill me or worse aboard this tainted vessel and I can not afford to slow her down and make her waste time and energy protecting me.
And besides, if any Deamons make it through the defenses while she is gone, I will be needed to keep them from reaching the Throne.
I know that this, she would be adamant about, now more than ever. So I do not even try.
…It still causes an awful feeling in my gut, nonetheless, as we stay hugging each other for as long as we can, two foolish, flawed and weary parents, sharing in our grief, regret and sorrow over our destroyed family in these last moments before the Final Clash…

Omnivoracious Listeners New Music Newsletter (Week of May 19th):
New LPs:
🇺🇸 Ahem - 'Avoider' (Genre: Indie Rock, Pop Punk)
🇺🇸 Almanac Man - 'Terrain' (Genre: Noise Rock)
🇺🇸 Altar of Gore - 'Litanies of the Unceasing Agonies' (Genre: Black Death)
🇻🇪 Ancient Settlers - 'Oblivion's Legacy' (Genre: Melodic Death Metal, Metalcore)
🇺🇸 Animal, Surrender! - 'Animal, Surrender!' (Genre: Post-Rock)
🇺🇸 Ape Vermin - 'Andromedas Colossus' (Genre: Prog Sludge Metal)
🇺🇸 August Winter - 'Redemption' (Genre: Post Rock)
🇳🇱 Baardvader - 'When the Stars Arrive' (Genre: Stoner Doom)
🇺🇸 Babylon A.D. - 'Rome Wasn't Built in a Day' (Genre: Hard Rock)
🇬🇧 Bad Breeding - 'Contempt' (Genre: Hardcore Punk, Anarcho Punk)
🇺🇸 Baphorator - 'I.B.L.I.S.' (Genre: Black Death)
🇺🇸 Bat - 'Under the Crooked Claw' (Genre: Speed Metal)
🇺🇸 Bermuda Squares - 'Outsider' (Genre: Garage Punk)
🇺🇸 Billie Eilish - 'Hit Me Hard and Soft' (Genre: Pop)
🇺🇸 Blitzen Trapper - '100's of 1000's, Millions of Billions' (Genre: Alt Country, Folk Rock)
🇮🇹 Boleskine House - 'Miserabilist Blues' (Genre: Atmo Black Metal)
🇨🇦 Bootlicker - '1000 Yd. Bars' (Genre: D-Beat, Hardcore Punk)
🇺🇸 Botanist - 'Paleobotany' (Genre: Experimental Post-Black Metal)
🇺🇸 Burnt Sherpa - 'Last of Later' (Genre: Stoner Rock)
🇺🇸 Cage the Elephant - 'Neon Pill' (Genre: Alt Rock, Indie Rock)
🇺🇸 Candy Apple - 'Comatose' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇺🇸 Cardiac Arrest - 'The Stench of Eternity' (Genre: Death Metal)
🇳🇱 Celestial Season - 'Mysterium III' (Genre: Death Doom)
🇺🇸 Childish Gambino - 'Atavista' (Genre: R&B, Rap)
🇧🇷 Chococorn and the Sugarcanes - 'Siamês' (Genre: Midwest Emo, Power Pop)
🇺🇸 Cognitive - 'Abhorrence' (Genre: Tech Death Metal, Deathcore)
🇷🇺 Cold Blooded Murder - 'From Russia With Hate' (Genre: Brutal Death Metal)
🇺🇸 Collective Soul - 'Here to Eternity' (Genre: Alt Rock, Post-Grunge)
🇳🇴 Combichrist - 'CMBCRST' (Genre: Industrial Metal)
🇺🇸 Crumb - 'Amama' (Genre: Psych Rock)
🇦🇺 Danielle Whalebone - 'Whispers of Shadows' (Genre: Noise Rock)
🇺🇸 Dawnbreaker - 'Banisher of Unlight' (Genre: Blackened Death Metal)
🇫🇷 Dead Horse One - 'Seas of Static' (Genre: Shoegaze, Psych Rock)
🇬🇧 Demon - 'Invincible' (Genre: Heavy Metal, Hard Rock)
🇮🇸 Demored - 'Well of Liquid Souls' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇺🇸 Devitalized - 'State of Aggression' (Genre: Deathcore)
🇺🇸 Dog Party - 'Dangerous' (Genre: Punk Rock)
🇺🇸 Don McLean - 'American Boys' (Genre: Folk Rock)
🇮🇹 Duft - 'Altar of Instant Gratification' (Genre: Metalcore)
🇺🇸 Dystopica - 'Infinite Reflection' (Genre: Prog Metal)
🇺🇸 Early Internet - 'Ruminator' (Genre: Indie Pop)
🇨🇦 Earth Ball - 'It's Yours' (Genre: Experimental Rock)
🇺🇸 Egg Drop Soup - 'One Hit Woman' (Genre: Garage Punk, Surf Punk)
🇸🇪 Eigenstate Zero - 'The Malthusian' (Genre: Prog Death Metal)
🇮🇪 El Morta - 'The Man Who Laughs' (Genre: Doom Metal)
🇩🇪 Elvellon - 'Ascending Synergy' (Genre: Symphonic Metal)
🇧🇷 Eminent Shadow - 'Dawn of the Dark Age - Inferno Diaboli' (Genre: Death Metal)
🇪🇸 Esclavitud - 'Stronger Than a God' (Genre: Heavy Metal)
🇫🇷 Etwas - 'Rites of the Damned - Chvpter. II' (Genre: Symphonic Metal)
🇺🇸 Excuse Me, Who Are You? - 'Double Blind' (Genre: Midwest Emo, Post-Hardcore)
🇺🇸 Extinguish - 'One Less Enemy' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇺🇸 Extortionist - 'Devoid of Love & Light' (Genre: Deathcore)
🇮🇹 Forever Falling - 'The Determinism of Essence in Matter' (Genre: Death Doom)
🇸🇪 Freedom - 'Stay Free!' (Genre: Hard Rock)
🇺🇸 From Indian Lakes - 'Head Void' (Genre: Indie Pop)
🇺🇸 Gatecreeper - 'Dark Superstition' (Genre: Death Metal)
🇬🇧 Ghost Keeper - 'The Dread Legion' (Genre: Thrash Metal)
🇩🇪 Goblyns - 'Hunki Bobo' (Genre: Psych Rock)
🇺🇸 Göden - 'Vale of the Fallen' (Genre: Death Doom)
🇬🇧 Gumshoes - 'Cacophony' (Genre: Indie Pop, Indie Folk)
🇺🇸 Guppy - 'Something Is Happening' (Genre: Garage Rock)
🇺🇸 Guster - 'Ooh La La' (Genre: Art Rock, Pop Rock)
🇬🇧 Halloweens - 'Opera Singing at the Salsa Bar' (Genre: Pop Rock)
🇺🇸 Hardy - 'Psycho' (Genre: Country Rock, Post-Grunge)
🇺🇸 Heavy Feather & the Magic Word - 'Two-Way Mirror' (Genre: Psych Rock)
🇺🇦 Hell:On - 'Shaman' (Genre: Death Thrash)
🇺🇸 Hemotoxin - 'When Time Becomes Loss' (Genre: Prog Death Metal)
🇸🇪 Henry Kane - 'Circle of Pain' (Genre: Crust Punk, Grindcore)
🇺🇸 High Noon Kahuna - 'This Place Is Haunted' (Genre: Noise Rock)
🇺🇸 Home Invasion - 'Enemy' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇧🇪 Hudič - 'Into the Abyss' (Genre: Heavy Metal)
🇺🇸 If Not for Me - 'Everything You Wanted' (Genre: Metalcore)
🇮🇹 I Hate My Village - 'Nevermind the Tempo' (Genre: Psych Rock)
🇫🇷 Inner Landscape - '3H33' (Genre: Post Metal)
🇨🇦 Intervals - 'Memory Palace' (Genre: Prog Metal)
🇺🇸 Jack Name - 'Fabulous Soundtracks' (Genre: Hypnagogic Pop, Neo Psychedelia)
🇺🇸 Jasta - '...And Jasta for All' (Genre: Thrash Metal)
🇺🇸 Jeff Kollman - '2023 AD' (Genre: Hard Rock, Heavy Metal)
🇬🇧 Jeff Slate - 'The Last Day of Summer' (Genre: Hard Rock)
🇺🇸 John Larson and the SIlver Fields - 'Constellation Prize' (Genre: Power Pop)
🇺🇸 John Oates - 'Reunion' (Genre: Blue Eyed Soul, Pop Rock)
🇺🇸 Joywave - 'Permanent Pleasure' (Genre: Indie Rock)
🇺🇸 Kate Hudson - 'Glorious' (Genre: Pop, Soft Rock)
🇺🇸 Kerry King - 'From Hell I Rise' (Genre: Thrash Metal)
🇺🇸 Kev and Cam - 'Kevin's Gate' (Genre: Prog Metal)
🇳🇱 Krezip - 'Music for Maximum' (Genre: Alt Pop Rock)
🇬🇧 Kulk - 'It Gets Worse' (Genre: Sludge Metal, Noise Rock)
🇺🇸 Lightheaded - 'Combustible Gems' (Genre: Jangle Pop)
🇺🇸 Littered With Arrows - 'No Doves Fly Above' (Genre: Sludge Metal, Noise Rock)
🇺🇸 Little Feat - 'Sam's Phone' (Genre: Southern Rock)
🇧🇪 Lovelorn Dolls - 'Deadtime Stories' (Genre: Alt Rock, Synthpop)
🇳🇱 Lucassen & Soeterboek's Plan Nine - 'The Long-Lost Songs' (Genre: Hard Rock)
🇫🇮 Lucidity - 'Escherian' (Genre: Melodic Death Metal)
🇧🇷 Madame Frankenstein - 'The Eyes of the Mountain Are Mine' (Genre: Stoner Doom)
🇺🇸 Magic Fig - 'Magic Fig' (Genre: Psych Rock, Psych Pop)
🇩🇰 Mansfield - 'For All the Right Reasons' (Genre: Indie Rock)
🇮🇹 Marea - 'The Silene of Rust' (Genre: Black Doom, Post Metal)
🇺🇸 Marty Friedman - 'Drama' (Genre: Prog Rock, Prog Metal)
🇩🇪 Meanwhile Project LTD - 'Sir Mandrill' (Genre: Prog Rock, Post-Rock)
🇺🇸 Mia Day - 'Hellier, Forever' (Genre: Indie Rock)
🇺🇸 Mineshaft - 'We've Taken This Too Far' (Genre: Screamo)
🇲🇽 Moonlight - 'Skogstronen' (Genre: Black Metal)
🇩🇰 Morbid Grave - 'The Slime Crawlers' (Genre: Death Metal)
🇺🇸 Mortal Reminder - 'Mortal Reminder' (Genre: Metalcore, Djent)
🇬🇧 Mutes - '...Buried Where You Stand' (Genre: Post-Punk, Noise Rock)
🇷🇸 Nadsvest - 'Slovo Meseca I Krvi' (Genre: Black Metal)
🇨🇦 Naomi King - 'Black Water' (Genre: Alt Rock)
🇨🇦 Necht - 'The Prophect of Karnifor' (Genre: Black Metal)
🇷🇸 Neven - 'U Svakom Srcu Gore Svetla' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇺🇸 New Kids on the Block - 'Still Kids' (Genre: Boy Band)
🇺🇸 Nobody - 'Despair Is Where My Thoughts Swim' (Genre: Post-Black Metal)
🇺🇸 Nocturnus AD - 'Unicursal' (Genre: Tech Death Metal)
🇭🇺 Norms - '100% Hazaárulás' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇦🇺 Northeast Party House - 'Enhancer' (Genre: Dance Punk)
🇺🇸 Of Montreal - 'Lady on the Cusp' (Genre: Indie Pop)
🇨🇦 Olim - 'Because' (Genre: Post-Black Metal)
🇺🇸 One Step Closer - 'All You Embrace' (Genre: Straight Edge Hardcore)
🇪🇸 Orion Child - 'Aesthesis' (Genre: Power Metal)
🇸🇪 Pain - 'I Am' (Genre: Industrial Rock, Electronic Rock)
🇺🇸 Pallbearer - 'Mind Burns Alive' (Genre: Doom Metal)
🇨🇦 Passage - 'Crystal' (Genre: Doom Metal)
🇺🇸 Pathology - 'Unholy Descent' (Genre: Brutal Death Metal)
🇦🇺 Peter Freebairn - 'Silhouettes & Cigarettes' (Genre: Pop Rock, Singer-Songwriter)
🇬🇧 Pig - 'Red Room' (Genre: Industrial Rock,, Industrial Metal)
🇪🇸 Pòstum-0 - 'Nueva Humanidad' (Genre: Hard Rock, Heavy Metal)
🇸🇪 PreHistoric Animals - 'Finding Love in Strange Places' (Genre: Prog Rock)
🇺🇸 Radar - 'Radar' (Genre: Pop Punk, Supergroup)
🇫🇮 Rats Will Feast - 'Hellhole' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇳🇿 Rendered Helpless - 'From Nothing Comes All' (Genre: Slam Death Metal)
🇮🇩 Reveals - 'Attachment, Destruction and Extinction' (Genre: Atmo Black Metal)
🇩🇪 Rope Sect - 'Estrangement' (Genre: Gothic Rock)
🇨🇱 Rotten Tomb - 'The Relief of Death' (Genre: Death Metal)
🇺🇸 Salt on Sunday - 'A Docket of Votive Offerings' (Genre: Experimental Metal)
🇺🇸 Secrecies - 'Perfect Bite' (Genre: Dreampop)
🇺🇸 Sekengard - 'Creation's Veil' (Genre: Folk Metal)
🇬🇷 Serement - 'Abhorrent Invocations' (Genre: Blackened Death Metal)
🇲🇽 Servus - 'Cyclical Existence' (Genre: Black Metal)
🇺🇸 Shellac - 'To All Trains' (Genre: Noise Rock)
🇷🇺 Shokran - 'Duat' (Genre: Prog Metalcore)
🇬🇧 Shoshy - '誰​に​も (Darenimo)' (Genre: Dreampop)
🇳🇴 Sibiir - 'Undergang' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇺🇸 Sludgeworth - 'Together Not Together' (Genre: Punk Rock)
🇺🇸 So Much Hope, Buried - 'I'd Be Lying to Say I'm Not Weak' (Genre: Post-Hardcore)
🇨🇭 SoulLine - 'Reflections' (Genre: Melodic Death Metal)
🇺🇸 SQÜRL - 'Music for Man Ray' (Genre: Psych Rock, Post-Rock)
🇧🇪 Stacks - 'Want' (Genre: Synthpop)
🇩🇰 Strychnos - 'Armageddon Patronage' (Genre: Black Death)
🇬🇷 Subfire - 'Blood Omen' (Genre: Symphonic Power Metal)
🇺🇸 Suck Brick Kid - 'The End Is What I Want' (Genre: Pop Punk)
🇺🇸 Sweat FM - 'You and I, We Were Born to Cry' (Genre: Punk Rock)
🇺🇸 System Exclusive - 'Click' (Genre: Synthpop)
🇺🇸 Telltale - 'Telltale' (Genre: Pop Punk)
🇮🇹 Tezza F. - 'Key to Your Kingdom' (Genre: Prog Power Metal)
🇨🇦 The Anti-Queens - 'Disenchanted' (Genre: Punk Rock)
🇺🇸 The Co Founder - 'Never Miss a Good Opportunity to Shut the Fuck Up' (Genre: Indie Rock)
🇬🇧 The Dave Foster Band - 'Maybe They'll Come Back for Us' (Genre: Prog Rock)
🇬🇧 The Howlers - 'What You've Got to Lose to Win It All' (Genre: Indie Rock)
🇺🇸 The Last of Lucy - 'Godform' (Genre: Tech Death)
🇬🇧 The Lovely Eggs - 'Eggistentialism' (Genre: Egg Punk, Psych Punk)
🇺🇸 The Macks - 'The Macks Are a Knife' (Genre: Indie Rock, Indie Punk)
🇺🇸 The Mountain Movers - 'Walking After Dark' (Genre: Psych Rock, Neo Psychedelia)
🇺🇸 Tim Easton - 'Find Your Way' (Genre: Country Blues, Roots Rock)
🇺🇸 Tolls - 'Plummet Through Agony' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇺🇸 Torturer's Lobby - 'Deadened Nerves' (Genre: Death Thrash)
🇯🇵 角松敏生 (Toshiki Kadomatsu) - 'MAGIC HOUR ~Lovers at Dusk~' (Genre: City Pop, Jazz Fusion)
🇦🇺 Tropical Strength - 'Tropical Strength & the Silverbeats' (Genre: Indie Pop)
🇬🇧 Troy Redfern - 'Invocation' (Genre: Blues Rock)
🇺🇸 Twenty One Pilots - 'Clancy' (Genre: Indie Pop, Alt Rock)
🇺🇸 Tzompantli - 'Beating the Drums of Ancestral Force' (Genre: Death Doom)
🇮🇹 Ufomammut - 'Hidden' (Genre: Psych Doom)
🇸🇪 Universe III - 'Universe III' (Genre: Hard Rock)
🇩🇪 Unwesen - 'Irrsinnfonie' (Genre: Black Metal)
🇺🇸 (Un)worthy - 'This Present Darkness' (Genre: Death Metal, Deathcore)
🇯🇵 Valhalla - 'Memories of Yggdrasil' (Genre: Power Metal)
🇺🇸 Vitskär Süden - 'Vessel' (Genre: Heavy Psych)
🇺🇸 Ward White - 'Here Come the Dowsers!' (Genre: Art Rock)
🇺🇸 Warren Dunes - 'Aquamarine' (Genre: Indie Pop)
🇨🇦 William Shatner - 'Where Will the Animals Sleep? Songs for Kids and Other Living Things' (Genre: Indie Rock, Spoken Word)
🇺🇸 Winter Aid - 'Pull the Sky Inside' (Genre: Indie Folk)
🇺🇸 Your Ghost in Glass - 'Drowning to Escape the Fire' (Genre: Post-Hardcore)
🇬🇧 Zayn - 'Room Under the Stairs' (Genre: Pop, Singer-Songwriter)
🇺🇸 Zero Point Energy - 'Tilted Planet' (Genre: Shoegaze, Indie Rock)
🇺🇸 Zig Zags - 'Strange Masters' (Genre: Crossover Thrash, Garage Punk)
🇺🇸 Zombeast - 'Heart of Darkness' (Genre: Punk Rock)
New EPs:
🇺🇸 Ameonna - 'Goddes Reign' (Genre: Deathcore, Prog Metalcore)
🇸🇪 Aspernamentum - 'Primal Judgement Manifesto' (Genre: Black Metal)
🇺🇦 Azimut - 'Nun' (Genre: Atmo Sludge Metal)
🇮🇹 Barbarian - 'A Kiss of a Whisper' (Genre: Speed Thrash)
🇫🇷 Black Velvet - 'Identity?' (Genre: Heavy Metal)
🇺🇸 Black Water Sunset - 'When Man and Machine Collide - A Tribute to Control Denied' (Genre: Prog Death Metal)
🇵🇪 Culmen - 'De Un Soplo La Creacion' (Genre: Black Metal)
🇬🇧 Darko - 'Greyscale' (Genre: Melodic Hardcore)
🇬🇧 De'Lour - 'The Ghost You Left Behind' (Genre: Post-Hardcore)
🇦🇺 Divine Grave - 'Traumapieces' (Genre: Prog Metalcore)
🇺🇸 Draag - 'Actually, the Quiet Is Nice' (Genre: Dreampop, Shoegaze)
🇨🇦 Erythrite Throne - 'Thy Bastard Offspring Birthed of the Gallows Tree' (Genre: Black Doom)
🇩🇪 Evoked - 'Immoral Arts' (Genre: Death Metal)
🇧🇪 Fatal Move - 'Fugazi' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇺🇸 Female Gaze - 'Tender Futures' (Genre: Hard Rock)
🇩🇰 Gradience - 'Ironsight' (Genre: Deathcore)
🇬🇧 I Häxa - 'Part 2' (Genre: Folk Metal)
🇲🇽 Imperator - 'Diable' (Genre: Black Metal)
🇦🇹 Insanity Alert - 'Moshemian Thrashody' (Genre: Crossover Thrash)
🇬🇧 Irked - 'Irked' (Genre: Punk Rock)
🇧🇷 Katástrofe - 'Terra Sombria' (Genre: Thrash Metal)
🇯🇵 Loyal to the Grave - 'Rectitude' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇺🇸 Mechanistic Butchery - 'Post-Human Putridity' (Genre: Grindcore, Cybergrind)
🇨🇦 MLRiffage - 'Bleak II' (Genre: Death Thrash)
🇺🇸 Night Sins - 'A Silver Blade in the Shadow' (Genre: Gothic Rock, Darkwave)
🇯🇵 Nothing's Carved in Stone - 'Brightness' (Genre: J-Rock, Alt Rock)
🇩🇰 Omsorg - 'Echoes' (Genre: Post-Hardcore)
🇩🇰 Pretext - 'Force the Hand of Fate' (Genre: Hard Rock, Heavy Metal)
🇺🇸 Psithurism - 'A Dead Sun' (Genre: Metalcore, Deathcore)
🇯🇵 Purple Hell - 'Asthenia Soul 灵​魂​病​症' (Genre: Melodic Death Metal, Metalcore)
🇬🇧 Queen Laya - 'Queen Laya' (Genre: Alt Rock)
🇨🇭 ReDraw - 'The Party' (Genre: Thrash Metal)
🇺🇸 Soften the Glare - 'EP III' (Genre: Prog Rock)
🇪🇸 Sons of Cult - 'Desolation' (Genre: Heavy Metal, Hard Rock)
🇺🇸 Stylogaster - 'Keepsake' (Genre: Slowcore)
🇺🇸 Vanquishment - 'Dogfights' (Genre: Melodic Black Metal)
🇺🇸 Virologist - 'Ameliorating Vicissitudes' (Genre: Brutal Death Metal)
🇺🇦 Wallflower - 'The Place Where I Feel Free' (Genre: Hardcore Punk)
🇺🇸 We're All Wrong - 'Leerer' (Genre: Prog Metalcore)
New Cover Albums:
🇨🇦 Arkells - 'Disco Loadout' (Genre: Alt Rock)
🇺🇸 Slash - 'Orgy of the Damned' (Genre: Hard Rock, Blues Rock)
Off to Detroit tomorrow for some live music! Cage The Elephant dropping this week, and thanks to concert week I got tickets for that also! Anyone you're seeing on the list this week?
https://discord.gg/atDujWqf9P
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Happy Listening!

I feel discriminated against as a cool toned winter princess. It’s Certified Impossible™️ to find blush and lipstick that don’t pull orange (eww!!) or peachy on my rosy Snow White skin. Literally every complexion product on the market turns me into an Oompa Loompa too, even the pure blue color correcting concealers I’ve tried. I’m sick of “golden” skin tones being the standard of beauty. Y’all just look jaundiced, sallow and ill and have oppressed my cool toned people for far too long.
And don’t even try to tell me that hot pink and purple and other cool toned products have been trending for the past two years because my hands are on my ears and I WILL NOT LISTEN! Just let me be oppressed, I need this

I wasn't planning on watching Thrice Upon A Time. I had not liked the previous films and they seemed like a very inferior product compared to the original anime. However, the good reviews and opinions I saw about it encouraged me to do so. I did it with as open and tolerant a mind as possible, knowing that there was a good chance I wouldn't like the film. "What's the worst that could happen? That I don't like it and continue to prefer the original series? At least I'll be entertained for two and a half hours," I thought. What I did not expect at all is the deep feeling of disgust and repulsion that this film provoked in me, in a way that no other film has provoked in years.
I hated the movie from start to finish. I could spend hours talking about the boring action sequences, about its ugly, excessive CGI that ruins the already ugly mecha, about its disgusting hypersexualization of fucking 14-year-old girls, about how Misato's plans don't make sense, about how Last Kiss almost made me tear my ears off, or its plot full of Deus Ex Machinas with concepts conveniently taken by Hideaki Anno from the place that his last name suggests; but the real reason I'm writing this is because I feel like these movies spit on everything the excellent original work represents.
Not only because as adaptations they fail miserably, but also because they retroactively damage the original work (we'll talk about that later).
Before I begin to explain why the rebuilds are bad adaptations, I want to warn that I am going to do a relatively exhaustive review of the 4 films, so this rant is going to be very long, like staying up late on a winter night with chronic insomnia. That said, let's start to see the reasons:
WHAT IS NEON GENESIS EVANGELION?:
To understand why rebuilds fail as remakes, I must first ask you, dear reader: What does Neon Genesis Evangelion mean to you? (it should at least be familiar to you, unless you've spent your life under a bridge) What do you think about when you read that title, apart from Shinji fucking in front of a comatose Asuka? What comes to mind when you hear the most famous opening in anime history, apart from Shinji strangling the otter against Happy Thursday's throat? (in more ways than one). If your answer is: "It's a mecha anime for emos with a coomer protagonist", that's fine, I respect that; but please press the red "X" in the top right corner of your screen, you can now leave.
Now, I'm going to get serious and explain my definition: Evangelion is a work about the hedgehog's dilemma and the difficulties of forming emotional bonds that human beings have, as well as the consequences of trying to separate from them for fear of rejection. It is not a story about heroes. It's not a story about saving the world. In Evangelion there are neither heroes nor villains, but rather a group of emotionally broken characters trying to be happy in a world just as broken as them. The real enemy of Evangelion is not the angels. It is the lack of communication and empathy.
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dilema_del_erizo
It is that same lack of communication and empathy that progressively causes everything to go to hell to conclude with a cathartic and bleak ending, but consistent with the themes of the work. It is therefore an existentialist work about human relationships disguised as a mecha anime. This, added to a unique visual style, daring direction, and mechas like never before seen on television, made Evangelion one of the most influential anime in all of history, as well as a true commercial success for Gainax Studio. Success that encouraged other studios to carry out projects such as Cowboy Bebop or Serial Experiment Lain, taking anime towards a new golden age.
Even today you can hear the echoes of that Third Impact of End of Evangelion in 1997. The list of works influenced by Evangelion both inside and outside of Japan is endless. Of course, it is not a perfect work, nor extensive in errors: its target audience is ambiguous, many of the biblical references are more for decoration than anything else, and several aspects of the ending(s) could have been explained better. However, many of these errors can be attributed to a lack of time and budget during the production of the original anime (which was quite chaotic and improvised); therefore, they are understandable and forgivable.
In summary, we can conclude that Evangelion is a dark, introspective, provocative and unique work (at least at its time). This is also combined with a unique visual identity and complex characters whose relationships intertwine and interconnect throughout the work. The sum of all these factors is what led Evangelion to be such a critically acclaimed work that it transcended its own genre and became an icon of popular culture. And this in turn constitutes the biggest mistake of rebuilds; because they commit the biggest sin that an adaptation can commit: denying everything that made the original work great.
ADAPTING WITHOUT A CLEAR PURPOSE:
One of the biggest problems with these remakes (as well as a clear example of what I'm saying) is their total narrative inconsistency. Let me explain: the first rebuilds movie (1.11) is a literal copy-paste of the first 6 chapters of the original anime, with practically the same scenes, dialogues and even music. This makes the film completely redundant and unnecessary (and makes one wonder why it exists); But in any case, the message is being conveyed that the purpose of these remakes is to adapt the original series as faithfully as possible to the cinema with a current animation style.
However, the second movie (2.22) is a... something. A pastiche of new and old things where the plot broadly follows that of the original anime, but with many things changed (of course, for the worse) and a different ending. All this compressing no less than 14 chapters of the original anime into two and a half hours. Here the message that one can infer is that it seeks to adapt the original story (very briefly) by changing and rearranging certain elements, now more in line with what an adaptation is.
However, then we get to 3.33 and... well, after a 14-year because reasons timeskip, we're now in a post-post-apocalyptic world (repetition intended) where ex-Nerv members fight against Nerv itself. Nerv in giant spaceships, there are mechas everywhere, Misato is a sociopath, and Shinji and Asuka still look exactly the same because "DAMN JEBA." Here we can infer that what is sought is to create a totally new story and take it in different directions than the original. The following movie (3.0+1.01) is the only one that is consistent with this purpose.
Whether all these narrative pirouettes were planned in advance or not (clearly not), we can see that there is a clear incongruity between what is intended to be done and what is finally done. All of this generates a strong narrative chaos where the elements and themes of the original anime are mixed with the new ones, creating a total inconsistency. Since also in 3.0+1.01 it is revealed (unfortunately to me) that everything is part of the same universe and this is not really a remake, the excuse of "they are different universes, they don't have to be the same" doesn't work either.
In fact, one thing that you will see me comment a lot throughout this article is the lack of narrative consistency of these remakes, especially in comparison to the original work.
A HEDGEHOG WITHOUT TICKS:
No character in Evangelion better embodies the central theme of the work than Shinji Ikari, its own protagonist. Shinji is not a hero: he is not brave. He is not a genius. He is not charismatic. He is not selfless. He doesn't want to save the world. His reason for piloting the Eva is to gain recognition and appreciation from others; especially from his father, whom he hates, but at the same time admires; He feels that she despises him, but he also wants (and needs) that she loves him. Shinji spends the entire series in the dilemma between escaping from what hurts him (classic avoidance behavior) or accepting it and moving on, even at the risk of being hurt again.
This theme is rock solid throughout the entire original series: from the first to the last chapter of the anime, and from minute one to the very end of End of Evangelion. Even the opening itself makes several visual references to Shinji's hedgehog dilemma. This can make Shinji an infuriating character for audiences accustomed to typical anime protagonists; but it's those same things that make Shinji such a unique and special character. He deconstructs and subverts the hero's journey. And it's not as if this hinders the plot: Shinji is not proactive, but he also does not spend the series crying, as many often claim.
https://files.catbox.moe/eolho0.mp4
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monomito
And as you may already be imagining, the Shinji of the rebuilds does not have a hedgehog's dilemma. Or rather, he has it, but only during the first movie (copy-paste of the original anime) and part of the second. This is a problem, because it creates a strong narrative inconsistency (again) where it seems that two Shinjis exist at the same time or that this one is bipolar. As of 3.33, Shinji's entire character arc is based on trying to redeem himself for his past mistakes first by unleashing "Almost Third Impact" (what a stupid name) and subsequently preventing Kaworu's death while trying to right said mistake.
Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. The problem is that I have already seen the arc of the hero who fails to eventually rise up and succeed in 100 trillion works, while the hedgehog's dilemma in none more than in Evangelion (at least in my case). Which makes Shinji a much less interesting character. Some might argue that in 3.0 + 1.01 Shinji does have such a dilemma because he spends half the movie crawling on the ground; but there is not a hedgehog's dilemma, but rather depression for having seen Kaworu's head go KAWOOM (I know, the joke was very bad, but if he didn't do it, I would explode too).
End of Evangelion's Shinji did have such a dilemma because the reason for his depression was having been manipulated and used by someone he had previously opened up to and then forced to kill him, not for failing in his mission (in fact, he was very efficient in her mission to separate Kaworu's head from her body), which in turn brings sexual (and later, deadly) results for Asuka. I insist: narrative consistency. But this is not the worst: the worst thing is that at certain moments in these films, Shinji becomes the typical shonen savior hero, betraying the central point of his character in the original series.
https://youtu.be/E-x-f2OrWeA
A perfect example of this is the ending of 2.22, where the fight in chapter 19 (COINCENTLY from where the original anime starts to get more introspective) is transformed into a ridiculous shipping attempt, with Rei turned into a damsel in distress and Shinji into a savior hero while spouting all the typical cliché lines, topped off with a disgustingly cheesy ending. But of course, how could it end otherwise? With Shinji's Eva practicing cannibalism on Zeruel's corpse (the original scene)? Too disturbing for current times. Shinji and Rei fighting as a team to defeat him? Yes of course. Rei has enough not being in the kitchen. Besides, Asuka already takes care of that, hoping to receive her alpha male's cock as a reward.
https://youtu.be/TPS0Uk0TkP0
Because, like any good modern anime protagonist, Shinji now has a harem.
FETISHING WITHOUT CONTROL:
Of all the characters who are now part of Shinji's harem, the one who is most harmed by this is Rei (Asuka's case is different, and the other character is an infernal creation from Anno's sick mind). Not only because acting like a bitch in heat goes totally against her personality and because of the murky situation, considering that she is a clone of Shinji's mother, but also because her character is reduced to a mere fetish object that does things cute to produce tenderness in the viewer and make coomers buy their figurines.
Rei is an interesting character because he raises numerous existential questions based on the ship of Theseus paradox: the concept of identity, to what extent we can consider ourselves still ourselves, the construction and definition of a "self", etc. But here, her screen time piloting her Unit 00 is minimal (COINCENTLY most of it in 1.11) and her exploits are practically irrelevant or non-existent, also being reduced to a mere damsel in distress at the end of 2.22, as I said before.
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradoja_de_Teseo
In 3.0+1.01 he doesn't even get to pilot an Eva. Her role in the film is to cause pity and produce tenderness with her total ignorance (I see that the idiot Anno forgot that all the Reis are born with basic knowledge) while she is seen with different hairstyles, different outfits, working as a farmer, taking care of a baby, etc. In short, a fetish object where she wants the public to value her for how "moe" she is instead of for her abilities or as a character. In Anno's mind, feminism advances in reverse. Ironic, considering that it was precisely Rei who unintentionally started the moe culture.
Of course, it goes without saying that Rei is not the only one who suffers from this extreme fetishization of her character in these films. Under the excuse of paying homage to End of Evangelion, Asuka now always wears an eye patch (needless to say it has nothing to do with having been injured there), a cap with cat ears, in addition to having a very convenient trend for the coomer public of walking naked and semi-naked through other people's houses. She sometimes puts on the plugsuit, but near the end of the movie, it is conveniently torn off, lest we forget that this is made by the Japanese.
One of the best examples of how this hareminication has destroyed the main female characters is in the elevator scene. In the original anime, Rei tries to advise Asuka in a time of particular vulnerability and depression. Rei's limited social skills, coupled with Asuka being Asuka, cause her to misinterpret the attempt to help as mockery and an act of condescension, triggering a slap from her towards Rei and a worsening of her already strained relationship and Asuka's mental state. Rei doesn't fight back because she knows that doing so would only make things even worse.
It is an excellent dramatic scene because it once again brings to the foreground the hedgehog's dilemma and the difficulties between human relationships, very much in line with what Evangelion is. In 2.22, this scene is gratuitously introduced and turned into two horny bitches fighting over which of the two will let their alpha male penetrate first, with a highly OC Rei stopping the assault attempt in a 100% gangsta way to make her see more "cool." The scene doesn't even make plot sense, because Asuka at that moment is not even depressed, and in the original anime this occurs at a much later time under a very different context.
and speaking of asuka...
SOMEONE CALLED ASUKA:
When I started watching these movies, I was afraid that Asuka's character had undergone modifications to make her more "palatable" to new audiences. What took me completely by surprise was how radically different this Asuka is from the original. So different that they can't even be considered the same character. To show it very clearly, we are going to review the personality of both:
Asuka from the original anime: An energetic and outgoing half-German, half-Japanese girl (actually it's 1/4, but who cares) who loves to be the center of attention and have everyone praise her due to the lack of parental love received during her childhood having been abandoned by her father and supplanted by her mother, who suffered from severe mental disorders. She is extremely proud and competitive because she feels that being Eva's pilot is the only thing that gives her an identity and purpose, which makes her tend to become quickly frustrated when things don't go her way and become defensive when she feels like she is being outmaneuvered. . He loves to make fun of others (especially Shinji), to the point of being cruel at times, but he does not do it out of malice, but rather to compensate for his enormous inferiority complex due to the rejection suffered by his mother and having witnessed her. committed suicide (and possibly even tried to kill her) the day she was chosen as Eva's pilot and came running to wish her a Happy Thursday. She admires Kaji and wants to fuck him because she hates her own adolescence, she needs to feel adult and independent due to suffering from a certain Electra complex for having lacked a true father figure during her childhood. She has a sweet and vulnerable nature, but she rarely expresses it to anyone except her best friend Hikari and I better stop this now because too much text.
Rebuild Asuka (hereinafter "Asuka"): A girl soldier created by Nerv as part of a series of clones who has always been alone and thinks she doesn't need anyone, although she secretly wishes to have a family. She hits and insults others for no reason, she yells a lot, never smiles or makes jokes, and hates socializing with others, which doesn't stop her from looking for Shinji's dick within 2 days of meeting him. She always plays video games while someone is talking to her and at night she talks to herself with a doll like an autistic person.
As we can see, these two characters not only look nothing alike: several of their traits directly contradict each other. Because they look alike, they are not even alike in aesthetics: the original Asuka had red hair and dressed in the traditional feminine way, while "Asuka" is light brown and dresses in a tomboy style (which I'm not saying is wrong, I'm just commenting to show the radical difference). It's not that they have changed Asuka: it's that they have directly murdered her to supplant her by someone with whom she only shares her first name (not even her last name). And needless to say, the change has been VERY for the worse.
To describe the first character, I had to spend 15 damn lines, and even then I had to leave out many important facets of his personality, his development in the original series and his entire character arc in EoE, because if I didn't have one endless bible For the second, 6 lines were enough for me, and I could have had more left over if I had been more concise. The first character is a complex and three-dimensional character, with multiple facets, edges and layers. She feels like a real person. The second character is a generic tsundere that you can find in any mecha anime of the week. She is not even comparable to the first; She's not even a good character.
We cannot speak of Flanderization because not even the most basic traits of the character have been respected. Nor can we speak of a deconstruction because that same absence of basic traits means that there is no character construction on which to stand in the first place. Obviously, this change greatly resents the interactions between characters: the original Asuka was a charismatic and fun character with the ability to drive the plot on her own (as soon as she appears in chapter 8 of the original anime she is already changing the entire dynamic between characters) , while "Asuka" is mostly only in the background or to fight; He doesn't even have a character arc as such. In fact, in 2.22 he has even less screen time than several supporting characters.
His chemistry with Shinji is also non-existent (and I'm not just referring to the romantic level) and they barely have any development together. They like each other here because... ehhhh... she likes how he cooks and he thinks she's hot? It's not that the AsuShinji (or ShinSuka, or whatever the hell it's called) here is forced: it's just that it doesn't even make sense. The only reason people still ship them together is because they did it in the 90s. Yūko Miyamura's performance also feels very lackadaisical and lacks passion, which is quite unlike her. Although perhaps this is intentional, since her character always talks as if she has the spear of Longinus permanently stuck up her rectum. In fact, the few times she says her iconic "Anta baka?" This one feels very forced, in addition to not having her characteristic high-pitched tone.
In short, the character has suffered the same fetishization as Rei (gamer girl, tomboy, one-eyed, etc.), but also with the aggravating factor that not even her basic characteristics have been respected here. This is especially disconcerting when we take into account that the rest of the characters have their original personalities more or less intact (albeit simplified). Even more disconcerting if we take into account that Asuka is possibly the most popular character in all of Evangelion, and even more so if we consider that she is Anno's favorite character (in fact, the initial idea was for Asuka to be the protagonist).
https://evaresources.wordpress.com/der-mond/
Given this, the inevitable question arises: "Why?" What was the point of turning Asuka into an inferior and tsundere copy of Rei, even more so when there are already three clones? It has always been rumored that Asuka is not popular in Japan, but that is completely false. The only semi-rational explanation I can think of is that they did it to please the haters. It's no secret that a portion within the Evangelion fandom (and outside of it) hates Asuka with a passion. They see her as someone toxic and cruel who dedicates herself to screwing others for no reason, without understanding that you don't have to like a well-written character.
https://imgur.com/a/KznXE1x
What these people fail to understand is that Asuka's verbal abuse is a defense mechanism to avoid opening up to others, since Asuka constantly says things that do not fit with what she really feels or thinks (clear proof is chapter 16 from the original series). It's not like it matters much, considering they were never more than an extremely vocal minority. That the character is so popular is proof of this. The great irony of all this is that the new "Asuka" is a much more unpleasant and detestable character than the original, since she lacks the redeemable qualities of the original and her moments of comic relief.
And if until now I have been more or less benevolent with this remake, this is something I cannot forgive: because changing a character just because a group of people doesn't like it is one of the most cowardly and pathetic acts in the world. that a writer can fall. The fact that this was also at the expense of one of the best female characters in the history of anime and with a wonderful story arc makes it even more bloody. Any other halfway competent writer would have responded with this.
https://youtu.be/5Js0ea6yPKM
...although if we go by Ockham's razor, the most likely explanation is simply that Hideaki Anno is mentally retarded.
A CHARACTER TO DESTROY A FRANCHISE AND BIND IT TO DARKNESS:
Mari Makinami Illustrious A.K.A María Iskariote (what an appropriate last name) is one of the worst creations ever made by humans. Not since the atomic bombs has humanity created something so horrible. Worse than the holocaust. Worse than fascism. Worse than Facebook memes. Worse than stepping on a lego. I would even dare to say that it is worse than pizza with pineapple. No character better reflects Anno's mental decline or better embodies all the problems of the current anime industry than this trash.
This character contributes absolutely nothing to the plot, he does not contribute at any time to its advancement, he lacks his own development or story, he does absolutely nothing relevant in the 3 films in which he appears, and he does not even have a defined personality. So much so, that all of her scenes could be eliminated or replaced by any other character and she would barely affect the plot, or not affect it at all.
The character is so frighteningly one-dimensional that she doesn't even show different emotions or moods during the three films in which she appears, always being perpetually happy and carefree even in tense situations for literally no reason. This leads to moments as surreal as her starting to sing and hum in scenes that are intended to be serious or dramatic (or so I think; perhaps what they wanted was to turn this into an unintentional comedy), again generating a gigantic narrative dissonance. The last third of 3.33 is the best example of this.
But that's not the worst: this character is clearly made for otaku coomers to masturbate to. She has almost every fetish possible: glasses/lenses (whatever they call it in your country), pigtails, miniskirt, schoolgirl, saying "nya", big tits, obsession with smell and tight outfits, etc. To make matters worse in 3.0 + 1.01 we discover that she is 48 years old, so we can also add the milf fetish. Evidently, her tits always bounce in her plugsuit (she would swear that never happened in the original series) and there are many close-ups of her ass. In addition to constantly making sexual advances towards Shinji, which also turns this piece of shit into a potential pedophile.
If the thing simply ended there, we could say that this character remains a mere annoying and unnecessary secondary character. Unfortunately, the character is also disruptive to the plot, occupying long filler scenes that do nothing more than waste time that is already scarce in a film, and that could have been used on something else more interesting; like Pen Pen watching TV, Pen Pen eating a sardine, etc. Without going any further, both 2.22, 3.33 and 3.0+1.01 begin with a long filler scene of her hitting on her. Well, to be honest, the 3.33 one is more Asuka, but this abortion is still out there fucking and singing.
It would not be an exaggeration to say that discussing why this character exists is much more interesting than any other debate that can be created about these films. I still think about it. However, the ending of 3.0+1.01 gives a good clue: the character was created solely and exclusively to stay with Shinji. I can only imagine that Anno made this tired of the fandom shipping and the arguments over who Shinji should stay with, so he decided to end the matter by creating his own ideal waifu with all the fetishes he likes in a woman to end it. with this. It's disgusting, but considering we're talking about a Japanese, totally possible.
It's surreal coming from the man who harshly criticized the use of anime as escapism and the excessive female objectification and sexualization in it, but it's the only semi-decent explanation I can think of. Basically, he is what is called a mascot character in literature. That would explain why this character never shows doubts, nor any kind of internal conflict, or why he is a better Eva pilot than Asuka and Rei themselves. It is also very revealing about the quality of the Rebuilds: creating a self-insert OC just to be the partner of the protagonist or another main character is the quintessential trait of all bad fanfiction.
However, among all this tsunami of disqualifications, I also have to say something positive: spending three movies giving hope to the shippers only to have Shinji be cuckolded simultaneously by Rei and Asuka in the last one and end up with a character with which had zero development (before 3.0+1.01 I didn't even know its name) is a true trolling masterclass, worthy of the best of ball pumpers. Only a true emperor of evil would have come up with such a twisted and at the same time perfect way to screw over a large part of the fandom. I give you my tens, Anno.
THE ANTI-UNIVERSE OF ANTI-NARRATIVE:
Of all the new concepts that Anno brings up at the last minute from the place named after his last name, none stands out more than the "anti-universe." Or, as I like to call it, the "anti-good writing." Basically because it perfectly represents all the problems of the rebuilds and their script. In the final stretch of 3.0+1.01 we have the last-minute revelation of a quantum plane of existence capable of turning imagined worlds into reality and changing this through Lilith, which cannot be understood by the human mind (wow, WHAT CONVENIENT!) and whose existence has never been mentioned or even hinted at in the entire franchise until CONCIDENTLY the aforementioned last third of the film.
In other words, a gigantic Deus Ex Machina created in an improvised way to avoid repeating End of Evangelion and forcing a happy ending where Shinji creates an ideal universe for each character (although that is questionable, as we will see later). And it is far from being the only one: the spear of Cassius, the Eva of Infinity, the key of Nebuchadnezzar, the Book of Life, and so on. None of these concepts are integrated into the plot in an organic and natural way, but rather they arise spontaneously at its convenience when it needs it. Except for the new "Super Berserker Mode" of the Evas, which is simply a power-up to sell figurines.
As I said before, if at least this were an alternate universe separate from the original anime, all this bombardment of concepts pulled out of the ass would be a little better justified. But the revelation that everything is a cycle and we are in the same universe as the original work only makes it even worse, generating countless inconsistencies about why they never mentioned this or never used that (what's the point of the seeds of life If you can create universes simply by imagining them?). Although without a doubt, the worst of all these new concepts is "the curse of Eve."
Here we have a new concept with very strong repercussions completely launched, which is not even an explanation in itself, it does not answer anything and to make matters worse, the same films contradict each other several times. Needless to say, this is a cheap excuse for the three main characters not to grow up and continue sexualizing 14-year-old girls after the most gratuitous timeskip ever seen. And speaking of timeskip, putting such a long one in the middle of the story is a first-time writing error. If you are writers, never do that: the bigger the time jump, the more things you will be forced to explain, since the less you do it, the more plot holes will form as a result.
And of course, here it explains little to nothing of what happened these 14 years. Like where Nerv got such a tremendous base from, if in 3.33 it seemed that together with Rei and Kaworu it was made up of four people. Or how they have gotten such an army of pseudo-Evas, especially when these are supposed to be extremely expensive (wow, and SEELE with all her unlimited resources was barely 9 in EoE). Or worse yet, how Kaji managed to stop Almost Third Impact (seriously, the name couldn't be stupider). None of these questions are answered at any time. Obviously because they can't do it.
Evangelion has always been characterized by leaving things up to the public's interpretation, but here I feel that they are vilely taking advantage of it so as not to have to give any kind of explanations. And in the case at hand, do not even pay attention to contradictions. Like Touji and Kensuke got on Unit 01 and that doesn't stop them from being 28 after the timeskip. Or that Mari appears to be 14 despite looking like an adult in Gendo's photos and flashbacks, plus the fact that Evas, by simple logic, could not exist back then.
The height of absurdity is when near the end of 3.0+1.01 the "unexpected" revelation occurs (actually we all saw it coming) that everything is a cycle and we are facing a reboot of the original timeline, of which only Kaworu seems to be conscious. He let them guess without giving them any clues how many times Kaworu mentioned or even hinted at such a thing in the original series. Needless to say, nothing is ever explained about it: Who created that cycle? (Adam? Lilith? The First Ancestral Race? Hideaki Anno's last name?) For what purpose? How does it work? How long does it last? Why is Kaworu the only one who remembers him? Do these remakes make sense?
THE DEATH OF A STYLE:
Fortress-cities folding in on themselves. Designs and constructions oscillating between the nineties, the utopian and the cyberpunk. Meshes of flesh and blood animated with the souls of the dead fighting with classical music in the background. A mysterious and ambiguous lore where aliens, technology and conspiracies mix with gnostic, cabalistic elements and the most esoteric aspects of Christianity (did the History Channel predict Evangelion?). Minimalist posters moving quickly between frames. Monochrome backgrounds flashing aggressively (bad luck if you were epileptic). So consistent with its themes that the A.T. fields themselves. They were an allegory of the hedgehog's dilemma (I'm not making this up, Kaworu himself says it in chapter 23).
https://imgur.com/a/2M0eDVK
The sum of all these factors is what allowed Evangelion to build an absolutely unique identity, the one that allowed people to say "hey, that's an Eva!". Starting in 3.33, all that is lost to disappear in 3.0+1.01 in favor of giant spaceships, mechanical mechas made of pure CGI, battles full of colored lights, multiverses and time loops. I'm not saying these elements are bad in and of themselves, but I've already seen a thousand mecha stories with these. For that, I start watching any of the versions of Gundam or Macross. I could also complain about the boring shots without audiovisual language and always using the same color palette, but to be fair, that is an endemic evil of current anime.
And like any bad remake, 3.0+1.01 can't help but pay homage to several scenes from the original work, completely failing to understand the point of said scenes. As an example, we have Ritsuko shooting Gendo for no reason other than to pay homage to End of Evangelion, ignoring that the context between both scenes is very different. Furthermore, here they never explain the relationship that exists between the two, so the scene makes no sense; especially for those who never saw the original series, who will also find mentions of facts that these films have never shown or bothered to explain.
Even worse is when they try to pay homage to the iconic battle between Asuka and the Eva Series. Not only because of the total absence of the graphic violence and choreography of the original, but because what makes that fight so remembered is its emotional component, since it is preceded by a narrative catharsis in which Asuka discovers that the Her mother's soul was always in Unit 02, in addition to being marked by the constant tension of knowing if she will be able to finish the fight before the Eva's energy supply runs out. Here the Evas never run out of energy (why do they need the power supply, then?), so there is no such tension.
In the original fight Asuka may not be shooting 1387945 Evas with a super cannon larger than her as she falls through an... interdimensional hole?; But there you feel every blow, you can appreciate every movement in detail, and the dramatic tension in crescendo only improves the result. If this were a shonen, the logical thing is that Asuka would win. After all, her character arc has been wrapped up in a climactic way. Unfortunately, this is Evangelion. When the Evas Series manage to cause a mortal wound with the pseudo-spear of Longinus and the energy counter reads zero, the outcome is already decided. What happens next is horrific (Asuka's enemies are cruel to her even after she is dead), and just as horrifying are Yūko Miyamura's screams and Miki Nagasawa's performance as Maya announcing that Asuka is dead. In the Rebuilds there are no performances anywhere near that level.
End of Evangelion will be as dark and uncomfortable to watch as you want, but it is a film where all those responsible put their souls into achieving the best possible result, both on a technical and artistic level.
and well, I think that for today I have already downloaded too much, an apology for the large amount of text, I will make a second part at another time because I have so many things to comment on... anyway, I hope you have a good day/afternoon/night or when you read this .

After the great scattering and the unification of Terra and the Sol system. The Emperor ventured out to conquer the galaxy and search for his Primarchs. During this great crusade many Primarchs were found, and despite some setbacks, reunited with their legions. His Primarchs were tasked with the further unification and subjugation of the fragmented remnants of humanity throughout the stars. In this they were told to keep a lookout for their fellow creations. Some Primarchs like Vulkania, Hathor and Sanguinia were devoting great efforts to find and rescue their lost Sisters while the more coldly pragmatic ones like Ferra, Perturaba and Ellanor treated this task as more of a chore with the expectation of unearthing a new weapon for the war effort. So in Year 888 of M 30 of the imperial standard calendar the blood angels legion and their primarch Sanguinia were carrying out the expansion efforts in the borderzone of the growing ultramar exclave. As it happened they came across a civilized human world, that its residence called Nuceria. Sanguinia, ever the charming diplomat, had first contact messages sent out on all possible vox channels and frequencies and even utilizing communication methods from the dark age of technologie in hopes of reaching the planetary authorities. After managing to establish a reliable method of communication she scheduled plans to send an envoy for a planetary landing and subsequent negotiations about the integration into the imperium. As they were loading up the landing crafts with gifts and weapons and diplomats and space marines, Sanguinia was walking across the main hangar bay of the Red Tear. Looking left and right over all the busy people, her wings swaying in the breeze of the air conditioning. At the end of the hangar hall she saw admiral Ares DuCade hurrying towards her with his entourage. She took a moment to stand still and look at him coming, her moment of peace would soon be over.
“There you are my lord, I have been looking for you all morning! You weren’t on the flight deck, you weren’t on the command deck nor on the Bridge nor in your personal quarters and not even on the observation deck could I find you. Landing group alpha primus were worried to terra and back, that their main asset wouldn’t show up in time for take off. First officer Morel almost cried at the thought of having lost a Primarch! Just what in the Imperiums name has possessed you to roam the lower bowes of the ship!” Sanguinia smiled and laughed: “Oh I just wanted to ensure that the ensins and marines of objective group two and three were well rested. I know they don’t mind doing the less glamorous security work but I don’t want them to feel left out just because they couldn’t take part in the parade today.” DuCarde sighed: “Please at least tell your personal security detail before going on such an unscheduled escapade”. He looked at his Primarch, then blushed and looked away. “But thank you for caring about the men”, he couldn’t stay mad at her, not with that smile. “Well then, let us proceed, before we cause a delay, If we go now we should just about make it in time”, Sanguinia winked at him and led the way.
As predicted the transport shuttles departed just in time and the descent to Nuceria was smooth and without issue. Group primus would head down towards the capitol and land just outside in a spectacular flight show before parading into the city where they would engage in the negotiations. Sanguinia knew the importance of making powerful and benevolent first impressions. Group secundus and tertius would make a less impressive descent and position themselves near the military, logistics and communications centers, just in case the talks went sour or the planetary authority would try to pull a fast one on the Legion. But so far everything went to plan, they were almost at the main square, their diplomats had engaged the planetary politicians and even though her personal honor guard was tense, looking for danger around every corner, Sanguinia made a calm and relaxed impression. She had to make a conscious effort for this impression but she knew as soon as this was done she could return to her beloved little dove and spend with them the time that was otherwise allocated for the conquest of this planet. The Desh’ean nobility welcomed Sanguinia and one man stepped forward and introduced himself as lord Thal’kr, leader of the ruling clan. His pompous attitude suggested he saw himself as an equal to Sanguinia, from one lord to another, this was a nuisance that she would just have to deal with. Usually putting pretentious mortals in their place wasn’t an issue for any primarch and she could do it tactfully too, but something about this seemed to give the red angel a headache. Regardless they followed the planetary customs to the necessary degree and were soon invited to a spectacle in the colosseum. Sanguinia, her honor guard, her remembrancer and various other guests were placed in the royal lounge with servants, wine and a grandiose view over the arena. While she was half heartedly listening to the japping of lord Thal’kr her gaze glanced over the rest of the stadium. It was packed. Bread and games seemed to keep the populous obedient. Her headache was still not going away. It was a weird feeling, not even her prescience would allow her to divine what it was. She tried to direct her focus back to what the noble was saying. “...So anyway we have this great gladiator, basically a giant, and the best part is, She’s basically indestructible. Any wound and any torment we inflict on her she recovers from. The populus loves her, especially when we have her fight great beasts like mammoths and nucerian mountain lions. But personally I think her best performance was when we had her fight alongside her adoptive father in an impossible fight, and then when they survived, we told them to kill each other! HAHAHAHA.” The laughter of the fat, opulent tyrant made Sanguinia want to cringe and turn away, but something told her to pay attention. Sanguinia became envious of her bodyguards, for they had helmets behind which they could hide their disgust. This man's ruling ethics could not have been further apart from her own. She tries to distract herself by looking at the faces of the other attendance. To her dismay the only other local that seemed to find anything wrong with this story was a young mortal standing by the balcony and holding a bouquet of flowers. Lord Thal’kr seemed to notice. "Oh? Do you fancy the little one? They are one of my Children. I’ll introduce you.” He turned and called out: “Hei Yarrow come here and give the nice lady the courtesy will you?” The young mortal hurried over, almost tripping over their light robes. They stood in front of the red angel and bowed deeply; clearly they had been raised to be polite and respectful in anticipation for a marriage alliance. “H-hello your highness my name is Yarrow, I’m blessed to meet you,” they blushed but stayed composed even in the presence of someone as intimidating as a primarch. “Come on little one be nice and subservient and maybe the lady will take you away and show you the stars beyond our world,” the tyrant laughed, “what were you doing over there by the balcony anyway? You weren’t thinking any bad thoughts about the gladiators again were you?” “Ah n-no father. Of course not.” “That’s still ‘my lord’ to you.” He shooed young Yarrow away. “Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, And then they thought they could be slick by refusing to fight each other, but we won’t be defied that easily, so we pumped her full of stimulants and had neural-anti cognitors placed in her head. Oh you should’ve seen her then, ripped her father apart like a squealing rabbit. And how she cried afterwards, like a little bitch. Oh what wouldn’t I give to hear that again.” Another noble chimed in:”But what about the time we made her fight her lover?” “Who do you mean?” The tyrant asked. “Gladiolus the beautiful but fearsome young Gladiator,” the noble replied. “Ah yeah HAHA. Well not so fearsome in the end were they?” Lord Thal’kr laughed again. “You have to know, when we learned about their relationship, they had apparently gotten close after the death of her father, we brought the two into the arena. They thought they would be fighting beasts but in reality they would have to fight each other. We gave her just enough time to realize her predicament before we pumped up the pressure on those anti-cognitors and turned her back into a wild savage animal. You should have seen them. Gladiolus pleaded with her to ‘snap out of it’ but she fell upon them and crushed their skull between her thighs like a watermelon. It was a delicious spectacle.” This man seemed to relish in the memory and just as Sanguinia contemplated if it was worth keeping him around he went: “Look! There She is. Child of the mountain, Mistress of the red sands along with our finest gladiators. Hail to those about to die!”
Sanguinia looked down into the arena and got hit with a wave of realization like an orbital bombardment. As she stared down she knew what the feeling was that had plagued her all day. It was this presence that she sensed and her prescience that had been screaming at her what her mind didn’t want to comprehend. But now it stood there below her, clear as day and no longer deniable. She thought no primarch could be more haggard than Morrigan and no such demigod could be more disheveled than Corvess. But she was wrong. Before her eyes stood, wrapped in chains, beaten and broken, her own flesh and blood. And as Angron looked up at the red angel standing at the parapet, all that Sanguinia could do was to close her mind to the visions of what was to come.
“You did WHAT to my Sister?!” The red angel spoke, dry and sharp, hair fell across her face and droplets of black blood fell on the parapet. “Well… we…”, before the tyrant could even speak she fell upon him. A massive hand clamped around his jaw and ripped it off. The guards reacted fast but the astarties reacted faster, thow they could not do much more than dispatch of the armed men before Azkellon ordered them to stand down. They looked over at their primarch who, in this brief moment, had already torn her way through seven other nobles with bare hands and was now about to reach her sword. Azkellon saw that the situation had turned most dire and knew he had to take charge. He turned on the vox:”all channels, situation’s fubar. Proceed with operational backup plan. Don’t go near mother, she is violent and unresponsive.” He then turned towards the brothers standing next to him and shouted: “Sanguinary guard evacuate the premises, ensure the retreat of all imperial non-combatants and most important of all: rescue that Primarch!” He pointed down into the arena, the lower levels of the stadium hadn’t yet realized what was happening, but sure enough there would be mass panic and a stampede. The Astarties split up and Azkellon along with his squad hopped down into the upper levels of the stadium. They did so just in time because the roof of the lodge began to buckle as the red angel cut through men and stone pillars as if they were straw. Azkellon cursed under his breath. He should have insisted on jump packs for this operation. It was no use now, they had to make their way down into the arena by foot, cut a way if necessary. When they were finally in the bottom rows the roof of the lodge above them collapsed and they heard an ear ringing scream: “HOW DARE YOU!” and “MY BABY SISTER!”. Clearly the primarch had finished massacring the major nobles in attendance and was now carving a bloody canyon through the minor ones. The stadium was now in full panik and mortals were scrambling over each other to get out of their own slaughterhouse. The Astarties hopped another fence down into the arena. A few bolter rounds dispatched of the remaining guards and Azkellon made his way over to the still restrained Angron. The next few words he spoke would be crucial to ensure the primarchs' cooperation; he had to choose them carefully and he had to choose them fast. “Mistress of the red sands, we are the angels of the Godemperor of mankind sent to aid you in your escape from this wretched place!” He prayed to Terra that she didn’t actually want to stay here. But to his relief Angron nodded and spoke:”My thanks. Get me out of these shackles, I can fight for myself.” Azkellon hurried to get out his multi-tool and got to work on the primarchs bindings. As he did so he looked her in the eyes and said: “it’s okay, you no longer need to fight for or by yourself.” Angron tried to stay stoic but he could see that the primarch was fighting to hold back tears. She looked as thow decades and decades of prayers prayed cold and lonely cells had finally been answered. When the shackles cracked and broke she turned away: ”They come with me”, she pointed to the other gladiators in the arena. “Very well”, Azkellon knew he couldn’t refuse her or the tenuous trust they had just built would be null and void. His squad freed the gladiators and they hurried out of the arena as Askellon ordered another thunderhawk for evacuation. As the last to leave the arena he looked back and saw the seating area had been filled with so much gore and viscera that blood began to spill over and run down the walls into the sand of the fighting pit. He made another vox call to the red tear and ordered them to get Dove on that thunderhawk along with as many tranquilizers as they could muster. They would need any help they could get if they wanted Sanguinia to calm down.
Angron led the astarties through the underbowels of the arena; clearly she knew her way around. However, that also meant that she chose a way that went past all the prison cells to free as many of the caged slaves, gladiators and animals as she could. Azkellon did not complain, he just wanted to get out of here. When they finally managed to leave the colosseum for good they stopped to take a brief respite. Angron turned to Azkellon and said: “I am grateful for your efforts but please, may I ask, you remove your helmet if you are able to, I’d like to see your face if you have one.” He did so and confirmed what he had felt for a while. Tears of black blood streamed down his cheeks and seeped out of his helmet. She looked shocked. “I’m sorry miss, this doesn’t usually happen, but our mother … your sister… it must be the deep connection we have with her that causes this.” Before he could apologize further for the undignified display, they saw a figure rise above the colosseum. The red angel had spread her bloodstained wings and was flying towards the ruling palace at the other end of the city. Over the vox the voice of the enraged primarch could be heard: “LET NONE LEAVE ALIVE! SHOOT ANY THAT ESCAPE THE CITY!” Azkellon had to quickly amend those orders to ensure that the slaves they rescued would survive. Then he voxed in with the other squad of sanguinary guard to get a status report on the evacuation of the imperial diplomats. Luckily they were almost out of the city and operational groups secundus and tertius hadn’t said anything so it was to be assumed that their part went to plan and there wouldn’t be any planetary reinforcements arriving in the city anytime soon. The squad tended to the malnourished slaves and wounded gladiators as best they could and then embarked on the safest possible route out of Desh’ea. The mortals would slow them down but leaving them behind wasn’t much of an option. Besides, mother had always reminded them that they were once mortal as well.
When they were about half way towards the extraction zone, they passed a squad of blood angel terminators carrying heavy equipment and escorting a young mortal. “Barbiel, is that you?” Azkellon shouted over to them. “Yes, great herald, we have the assets you requested.” “Good, the primarch went that way towards the palace. See if you can stop her madness. … Barbiel?" The crimson paladin seemed to stare off into the space behind him. But when Azkellon saw that it wasn’t just him but the other terminators and the young Dove as well he realized what it was. “This is primarch Angron Thal'kyr. we are escorting her to the thunderhawk for evacuation.” The terminators composed themselves, nodded and then hurried along.
And so passed another tense hour of walking through empty and abandoned streets while avoiding the panicking crowds. The hysteria had spread throughout the entire city and rightfully so. There wasn’t a gutter that didn’t have a trickle of blood running through it. Azkellon knew the power of the primarchs but he was still taken aback at how much carnage a single entity could cause. If there was a god of slaughter, he would surely smile this day.
When they reached the edges of the city Azkellon was relieved to hear the turbines of the thunderhawk. Angron stood still behind him, apparently needing a moment. Surely this was the first time she saw a spacecraft. “Where will this take us?” she asked. “Far away from this sight of misery,” he answered. It wasn’t untrue. “I’ll gladly go but first I need one more person to come with me,” she turned around and walked back towards the city, “I need my Yarrow, I need my desert flower, I cannot leave without them.” Azkellon was glad he had put his helmet back on, as he was certain all the color just drained from his face. He quickly voxed in with the terminator team asking if they had managed to calm down Sanguinia. Indeed they had somehow managed to stabilize her with a combination of Doves' kind words and enough tranquilizers to kill a horde of grox. Then He asked about the Tyrant's Child and after a moment of silence got the answer he did not want to expect. The red angel had slain the young mortal in her episode of unending rage. Azkellon thanked the emperor that he was the only one who could hear that answer. He told them to bring back the body of the slain Yarrow and tell Angron that they were killed by their father. He also stressed that they should ensure that no one ever finds out the truth, especially not Angron or any member of the war hounds legion.
When Angron heard news of the perishing of her second lover, she was inconsolable. She wept until they brought her the lifeless body and she wept over them the entire flight back, and she wept at the funeral when they let their corpse drift into the sun over Nuceria and she wept for several days after. These were a rough couple days despite the planetary conquest going off with very few issues. As Sanguinia read the report her legions apothecaries made about Angron and the butcher's nails in her head, she too fluctuated between rage and sorrow. She cradled and comforted her sister trying anything to lessen her pain. Finally she decided on the surgical removal of the butcher’s nails. When her apothecaries warned her of the dangers and the possibility of killing or stunting her sister, she almost tore one of their heads off shouting: “I’d rather have a brain dead sister than a suffering one.” Alas Sanguinia decided to perform the procedure herself. Her apothecaries suggested returning to nearby Ultramar to take advantage of their medical facilities, but Sanguinia denied them for she could not bear to see her Sister in agony for a single second longer.
Preparations were made and when the day of the surgery came all the medical staff of the red tear that could attend, did so. Even the ones who weren’t required sat in the amphitheater and watched the tense procedure. Sanguinia walked onto the operating floor covered in sterile white robes and a surgical mask over her face. Even her wings were covered in sterile white bindings. They would not remain white for long. Angron was rolled in and placed upon the operating table. Sanguinia looked at the sedated and still body of her sister; she was only covered in a ghostly thin sheet. “Father give me strength”, she muttered under her breath. A dozen astarties and two dozen mortal doctors huddled around the two. One of them handed Sanguinia a custom made pair of operating gloves. She dawned them, flicked them to ensure they sat tight and spoke: “let us begin”. A mortal brought her the scalpel. ‘This shall be the blade I wield today’, She thought to herself.
The surgery was long and arduous; it took three whole days before it was over. By the end Sanquinia was exhausted, she had to focus on making perfect nanometer cuts while simultaneously concentrating on using her prescience to ensure the best possible outcome. She slumped into a chair; her otherwise perfect hair was sweaty and messy. When a doctor came in to tell her that Angron's vital signs read normal, her exhausted face managed to curl into a mellow smile. Dove wanted to comfort her after all the work she did, but she only allowed it for a moment. For Sanguinia knew that her sister would soon awake and she needed to be there. When Angron awoke and looked into her sister's eyes she smiled, feeling as if she had awoken from the nightmare that was her life on Nuceria. But when she saw Dove standing by her sister's side she broke into tears, for she remembered. She remembered not only how she lost Yarrow but she remembered how she lost Gladiolus too. The butcher's nails prevent memories from being formed while in a state of rage but that is only effective in normal men. Angron's nails had prevented her from remembering how she murdered her father and crushed her lover in the arena but now she saw it again, clear as day. She wept and wailed in the arms of her sister, soaking her hair and wings in tears.
The pain of the nails was gone but the pain of the past was one that could not be lifted. Angron engaged with her sister, for Sanguinia managed to take her mind off of the grief she still felt. But this would not last long, for soon the Conqueror arrived carrying the war hounds legion, forcing the two sisters to separate. After this Angron fell into a deep deep depression. Ordered to lead men she barely even knew and on board of a ship she found to be unfamiliar, Angron felt even more alone than in the slave pits of Nuceria. Not even the slaves she rescued were there to accompany her for she had sent them away to a paradise world, far away so they may never again be forced to fight. Angron was alone again, she was frightened again and most of all: she was in a cage again. She locked herself in her chambers, where she sank deeper and deeper into grief and sorrow. When her marines came and tried to talk to her she lashed out in desperation, killing more than a few. Even though the nails were removed, she still felt like she was only here to endure a life of suffering and torment.

I have been losing my mind over this. It started with my greyhound around 4 months ago. She started crying, had a lot of neck pain and had trouble shaking her head. She couldn't go on walks anymore because she was walking incredibly slow and was obviously in a lot of pain. Had X-rays done, MRI, tons of meds and got no answers after $12,000 spent. Complete mystery. Over time the pain went away and she is able to shake her head again and she is constantly shaking her head and scratching her ears. No ear infection, no mites, on allergy meds, antibiotic rounds, I have 2 HEPA air purifiers running, hired a service to deep clean the house, switched their diets, cut out treats, NOTHING.
Around a month ago my Saluki came down with the head shaking and ear scratching. Same thing, no ear infection, no mites, on allergy meds, etc, NOTHING. I have replaced their dog beds, washed all their beddings, got rid of old toys, etc, NOTHING. I have been at the vets office 40x over the past few months with them. Ears are clean as whistles, cannot get to the bottom of this.
I need help, advice, encouragement, anything because I am literally losing my mind at this point. Please, has anyone gone through something like this?

Credit to Blue for the wonderful cover art of Trilvri
Thank you to:
u/SpacePaladin15 for creating the Nature of Predators universe.
u/EdibleGojid, author of Dark Cuts, for proofreading.
EmClear, aspiring author, for proofreading
You, the reader, for your support. I love reading your comments.
Please consider reading the works of my proofreaders as they’re all authors of excellent stories and be sure to check the links below for more of my work and beautiful art from members of the community.
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Memory transcription subject: Sawvek, Junior Extermination Officer
Date [standardised human time]: October 5th, 2136
Hard foam presses uncomfortably up against delicate pressure points situated across the length of my entire body, building up to an unbearable ache that makes me shift and turn against the thin mattress pad. I yank at the rough old blanket I’d taken out of storage and clutch it even tighter around my body, trying to keep out the chill. The best racks, the ones near the heating vents, had already been claimed long before I’d decided to move into the Guild House’s Barracks and it doesn’t seem likely that the current occupants will be giving up their spots any time soon.
My mind is still racing from the events of last paw, replaying the scene over and over again in my dreams and in my head. The way my brother had looked at me… That look on his face when he’d seen the real me…
My paw gives a sympathetic throb in memory, still aching from where it had met the wall, but at least I had been able to wrap it up a bit and stop the bleeding. I feel like I should take it as a small miracle that it isn't broken. More medical bills are the last thing I need right now.
I turn about in the bunk once more, rolling around in vain to try and find a comfortable position that doesn’t seem to exist. Through a conscious act of will I try to empty my mind and sleep, but the very act of trying not to think about things only brings them bubbling back up to the surface of my thoughts. My heartbeat echoes in my ears, a damnable drumming sound brought about by the exertion of my own restless tossing and turning. Out in the hallway I can hear the muffled shuffling of feet and murmurs of conversation. The Guild Hall never sleeps, and it seems that neither would I this paw.
Electing to abandon the attempt as hopeless, I cut my rest claw short and get up, venturing out into the hallway. If I can’t sleep anyway then I might as well start my waking claw early, maybe get in a little exercise. It’s not so bad when it’s self-directed, almost fun in a way. If our family had the money to support it then maybe I could have been an athlete of some variety growing up. I had always possessed something of a natural physicality.
“Stop wasting time with worthless questions about what could have been, Killer.” The voice interjects, early and active today by the sound of it. “You’ll never amount to anything more than a wild predator kept on a leash.”
There’s nothing to do but sigh and carry on. It was right after all. This is it. This is my life now.
Making my way down the hallway towards the gym I find myself walking past a row of private offices assigned to some of the more veteran officers on staff. Most are empty at this claw, their occupants either asleep or off doing other work. One room in particular catches my attention though, the one belonging to our newest PRED Team Commander.
The door leading inside is open and ajar, seemingly forgotten in the midst of more pressing business and granting me a look inside. The entire room is a mess, papers and binders strewn about everywhere with official looking documents littering the floor. A map of the city decorates the otherwise unadorned and impersonal space. On its face it hosts a variety of multicoloured pins, all connecting seemingly arbitrary locations as well as photographs of people and places from the records department. The face of the former PRED Team Commander, Vrienna, looks out at me once again with the same cruel eyes that decorate the memorial wall. Beside her photo are another pair of eyes, a pair I recognise, but not one I would have expected to see here.
Trilvri, my brother’s creepy coworker, the one who’d brought him home the night he’d drunk himself into a stupor, stares out at me from the wall. He was younger in this photo, barely of age, if even that, and dressed in a regulation space corps flight suit, but I could still recognise him. Trilvri’s eyes appear somehow more lively than when I had met him in person, though it does nothing to improve his overall disposition, looking, as they are, as if behind them resides only hatred and a feral desire to kill and rend. Come to think of it, he had mentioned he used to be in the corps hadn’t he? ‘Used to’ being the operative word. When I’d asked he hadn’t seemed particularly fond of his time in the service…
Situated as he is next to Vrienna like that, their pitch-black wool and evil-looking eyes bear a striking resemblance. It was the exact same sort of predatory expression that bore into your soul, the kind that made me feel weak and exposed, the same kind that was worn by-
“What do you think you’re doing in my office?” A voice asks from behind, nonplussed, but with a casual depth of power and authority behind it that makes me freeze on the spot.
“Commander Glagrig, Sir!” I turn about on the spot, fixed at attention in the doorway as I stare up at the man himself. “I’m sorry to intrude. I noticed someone had forgotten to close the door so I was just going to secure it.”
“I see.” Glagrig doesn’t seem to believe a word of it, but neither does he seem inclined to press the issue. “At ease. Tell me, do you recognise the man in the photo there? Have you ever seen him before?”
“No, Commander.” I lie reflexively as I shift to a parade rest, not fully knowing why, but knowing that whatever is going on I want no part of it, for me or my brother. It’s only after the fact that it occurs to me that lying might be worse than telling the truth.
“How… regrettable.” The prestige officer says plainly and I can’t tell whether he believes me or not. “If you do ever catch sight of this individual, then be sure to let me know immediately.”
“Y-Yes, Commander.” I subconsciously swallow with apprehension, hoping that he doesn’t notice. I want nothing more than to run away as quickly as I can, but I haven’t been dismissed yet.
“Junior Officer Sawvek, was it?” Glagrig carries on, looking me up and down, dissecting me with his eyes. “You have quite the interesting record on file and Officer Intalran is quite adamant about your potential. Your simulator results speak for themselves, even if they are just simulations.”
“Thank you, Commander.” I can feel myself growing dizzy as I answer with uncertainty.
“Don’t thank me,” the all-consuming void in front of me replies with no hint of warmth, “just remember that your performance is under evaluation. It’s in my interests to keep note of promising young aspirants who might someday join my team, and I would hate to see you squander your talents.”
“I-I understand, Commander.” I flick my tail in agreement, straining not to look away towards the floor.
“Dismissed.” Glagrig brushes past me as he enters his office, moving to shut the door behind himself.
“Um, Commander?” I ask just before the door shuts, feeling a beckoning call of curiosity that even the predatory prestige exterminator couldn’t crush. “If you don’t mind me asking… Why do you have all that stuff up on the wall there?”
The door opens again, just a crack, and I can feel my superiors' weighty presence bearing down on me, almost suffocating in its intensity. “It’s simply a personal matter. I have reason to believe that the prior investigation regarding the kelach incident was conducted according to… insufficient standards. The predator responsible was never found and I intend to remedy that deficiency.”
“How hard could it be to find a kelach?” I tilt my ears in confusion. “They're huge!”
“Despite initial reports,” he answers with an ominous, cold tone that sends a chill up my spine, “it may be possible that we're dealing with something far more dangerous than just a kelach.”
“T-Thank you, Commander.” I flick my tail in appreciation and the door closes.
I breathe a sigh of relief as the malevolent aura recedes. That was too close.
“And you’re a complete moron going back to ask him more questions afterwards, Killer.” The voice rises with amusement. “What? Do you want him to figure you out and turn you to cinders? Only a matter of time, Killer.”
“Ugh, shut up.” I mutter under my breath, quickly turning back around to make sure Commander Glagrig didn’t hear me, but when no reprisal comes I quickly depart. If I’m gonna be stupid I should at least try not to do so right in front of his office.
As the imminent threat of our in-house prestige exterminator dwindles so too does the energy driven by the adrenaline of the encounter. It figures that the moment I roll out of bed I want to take a nap again, but I know the moment I lie back down I’ll be back to full wakefulness in an instant. That’s just how that sort of thing works. With that in mind there’s really only one solution, a big, steaming hot cup of tea.
Making my way towards the tea machine I spot Jonsco, the feisty little primitive that mans our dispatch centre, smacking the top of the dispenser with a clenched paw while holding a mug underneath it.
“Is the tea machine fixed?” I ask as I pull out a mug from the cabinet myself.
Jonsco sighs heavily and shoots me a combative glare. “For the last time it’s not my brahking job to fix this damn tea machine! You got a problem with that then you can go pester someone else about it!”
I shrink back under the harsh rebuke. Jonsco may be small, but there was as much rage and fury condensed into that little package as anyone else in this department. Maybe more.
“I… I didn’t mean to imply…I just wanted to know if it was working again or not… Sorry.” I sputter out, feeling properly admonished as I look away towards the ground.
Jonsco looks at me quizzically, his hard glare softening somewhat as he seems to truly see me for the first time before returning to his usual scowl.
“Right…Whatever you say…” With one final smack the machine coughs and chokes, sputtering to life with a struggle, and a small trickle of freshly brewed tea begins to fill Jonsco’s cup. “The machine is on the fritz again as usual, but if you hit it just right, do a little percussive maintenance, then you can get it started again.”
“Thanks, Jonsco.” I lean back against the wall and watch as the mug slowly fills, impressed by the primitives know-how. “That's actually pretty smart of you.”
“For a ‘primitive’ right?” The words are barbed and spiteful, but lack his typical enthusiasm, more of a simple statement of fact than a real question. I couldn't exactly deny it, those had been my thoughts, and so the silence drags on awkwardly, marked only by the splash of tea falling into the steadily rising pool.
“What are you doing here at this claw anyway?” I eventually ask, dodging the question entirely. “We’ve still got at least another half-claw until our crew's shift is supposed to start.”
“I could ask you the same thing, you know?” The angry little dispatch operator retorts. “I'm here early working an overtime shift so I can afford to put food on my family's table. It's expensive feeding that many mouths. What's your excuse?”
“I had a fight with my brother…” I rub the back of my neck as I turn away abashedly, “moved out of the apartment and into the barracks full time… couldn't sleep…”
“Well then you should hurry up and work on patching things up with him.” Jonsco looks at me with an uncharacteristic hint of sympathy in his eyes. “Your family are the only ones who might actually care. This Gods-damned place is a slyther’s nest and no one here gives a speh about you or your problems. If you want my advice, you should do your best to spend as little time in this cesspool as possible.”
With his cup now full, Jobsco steps back from the machine and begins walking out towards the main hall.
“Thanks, Jonsco.” My words stop him in his tracks as he walks away from me. “I appreciate it.”
“... You're welcome.” He says after a short pause, glancing back to look at me one more time before leaving. “See you around, Sawvek.”
Taking advantage of the tea machine while it’s still mostly working, I fill up my own cup and drink deeply of the warm, fragrant beverage. The taste is bitter and unpleasant, just about the quality I would expect of this Guild Hall, but even at the first taste it’s evident that it’s been loaded with an extra strength dose of caffeine. I down the drink quickly and rinse out the cup before continuing on my journey towards the training hall. Fatigue begins to fall away as I walk, bit by bit as the drug makes its way into my bloodstream, blocking off sleep receptors and energising me. I know I’ll probably pay for it later, no amount of caffeine can actually replace sleep, but for now it feels good and I can see how some people can get addicted to the stuff.
A loud, metallic clanging emanates from the gym as I approach, something unexpected for this time of paw. No one's reserved space in the gym for this claw and not many people are industrious enough to sweat on their own initiative. Peeking my head inside the door I spy Bikim, the perfect, privileged, ‘holier than thou’ brahkass occupying the otherwise empty weight room. His irritatingly handsome face is taut with strain as he performs a series of weighted squats, his back and leg muscles straining underneath his short-cropped wool, and he pants heavily under the exertion.
I’m half tempted just to leave and go back to bed despite the fact that there’s no way I’d be getting any sleep with the tea running through my system. It’s too early in the paw to deal with Bikim’s speh. Before I can slip away unnoticed though, he spots me. I give a heavy sigh and continue my way inside. There's nothing to be done for it now. Trying to back out now would only make things worse later, a sign of weakness.
“What… Do you want… Predator?” Bikim asks between gulps of air as he reracks his weights, practically hanging off the bar to support himself on shaky legs.
“Good paw to you too, Bikim.” I say, forcing civility into my tone. “I’m here to use the equipment. Same as you. I'm allowed.”
“Whatever…” He eyes me with suspicion. “Just keep your distance… I don't want to catch any of your taint.”
“Believe me,” I flick my tail out in irritation, “I intend to.”
Looking around the room for available spots, I march my way over towards a cable machine on the opposite side of the room. Not nearly as far from Bikim as I would like, but the farthest I can get without leaving the weight area entirely. Bikim watches me all the while as I seat myself down and begin adjusting the machine. Eventually he grows tired of watching me fumble around with the machine and returns to his own exercises with a displeased flick of the tail, quite obviously judging me for my lack of experience with the equipment.
A tense sort of quiet settles over the room as we each go about our business, trying our best to ignore one another. Bikim slowly winds his way around the room, cycling from station to station to exercise all the different parts of his body in sequence before repeating it all again. He seems to bypass my corner of the room, glancing over at me with each repetition of his pattern. For myself, I stay put where I am, taking advantage of the varied exercises offered by the versatile machine to experiment with different muscle groups. Occasionally I slip up, dropping the weights with a loud clang that always draws Bikim’s ire. Every time he seems just a bit more disgruntled, a bit less patient. Eventually, the constant disruption reaches a tipping point and the pompous, self-entitled jerk walks over to confront me.
“Do you always do this?” He asks rhetorically. “If you keep slamming the weights like that you're gonna break it. Your form is speh so either fix it or lower the weight so you don't have to keep compensating. Better yet, just leave. You’ve been monopolising the cable machine for almost half a claw now. I don't know why you're even here in the first place.”
“Oh, look at Mr. Know-it-all thinking he can just go around telling us what to do, eh Killer?” The voice rises to the challenge. “Where does a guy like that who's been handed everything his whole life think he can get off with telling us how we should be doing anything?”
“Brahk off Bikim!” I don't even try to reign in the predator inside, feeling justified in letting it roam free for once. “I didn't ask for your advice and you don't get to kick me out of the weight room just because you can't wait your turn! I'm here because I don't have anywhere else to go! Ever since Intalran dragged me into this stupid Guild this brahking job has taken over my entire life! I don't even have a home to go back to anymore!”
Bikim's body tenses at my tirade and his tail flicks out aggressively like a whip.
“That's your own damn fault, predator!” He shouts back, eager for the excuse to vent his own frustrations. “Maybe if you weren't just some blood-starved beast out roaming the streets then you wouldn't be here right now! I’ve read your file! You got a history of herdless behaviour and physical altercations! Someone should have institutionalised you a long time ago, but someone took pity on you and let you slip through the cracks because of your poor dying mommy! They should have known it would come back to bite them! A normal, functional member of the herd wouldn't even think to pick a flamer up off the ground and burn another person to death with it! But you? You did it instinctively! You revelled in it!”
“You think that was easy for me!” I get up and walk towards him as I yell incredulously. “You think I asked for that to happen! You think it was fun for me to get choked out and almost eaten! That thing I burned wasn't even a person anymore! It was a predator in the middle of a feeding frenzy! So yeah, I did what I did, and you know what? It's a good thing I did! If I wasn't a freak of nature then that thing would have kept on going and kept on killing! Last I checked, preventing that sorta thing was supposed to be your job, but I had to be the one to step up! Now I have to live with the consequences of my actions every paw, knowing that I’m a Protector-damned killer that doesn't belong anywhere! Maybe you, in your infinite wisdom, would've known the perfect thing to do in that situation, but I’m not you! I’ve had to work and struggle for every little thing I have! Not just had it handed to me on a silver platter!”
“Oh, so you got me all figured out do you?” Sarcasm drips from Bikim's mouth as he looks down on me. “You don't know me. You don't know my life or what I’ve been through, how hard I’ve worked to get where I am. You just see the end product from cycles of effort and assume that it's always been that way, that it's always been that easy. It hasn't.”
“Yes, I’m sure you had it so hard growing up Bikim.” Saying it aloud almost makes me laugh. “You’re such a child of privilege that it drips off of you with every move you make and every word you say. I hate people like you, thinking that you're better than everyone else just because you were lucky enough to be born into wealth and status. Try living like the other side for a change, scrounging for every credit just so you can afford to eat, and then try to tell me how hard you had it with a full belly and a warm home!”
“You’re right, predator,” Bikim says contemptuously, “I am a child of privilege. My family has a long and decorated military tradition, my father is a captain for the space corps, a brahking hero, and I’ve reaped the benefits of that. That privilege came at a cost though, and that’s called expectations. Second best is not good enough and I've had to put in ten times the effort as anyone else my whole life just to meet standards! At least you grew up with a father who was there for you and loved you without the condition that everything you do is perfect!”
“All that talk about reading my file and you didn't even get past the first page did you?” I snap at him with a snarl. “ I didn't grow up with a father at all! He's been dead since I was in elementary school! Killed in action! I barely even remember him anymore!”
That one seems to give Bikim pause, but I’m not done yet.
“If you and your whole family are such a bunch of brahking heroes then how come you're here, working as a common garrison exterminator in a run-down backwater city like this?” I taunt. “Shouldn't you be out gallantly fighting the Arxur with one of the fleets or on a colony pacification force rather than making my life here harder than it already is?”
“That's the price for failing to meet expectations,” Bikim quiets down, drawing away from the world and into himself, “the price for knocking up a beautiful, wonderful girl right after graduation and refusing to get rid of it afterwards. You get cut off. You lose that privilege, and you do whatever you have to in order to provide and try to be a good role model for your son.”
Now that one threw me for a loop. In the short time I’ve known Bikim I’ve had a lot of thoughts about him, few of them good, but never would I have expected him to be the type to take responsibility… For anything. Still, there is one thing about his story that doesn't line up…
“Oh really?” I take a step back as I watch for his reaction closely. “I seem to recall Jonsco mentioned just the other day that your wife had left you for a Human.”
“Don't you bring that brahking primitive into this!” Bikim's anger flares in an instant before returning to a subtle simmer of regret. “We’ve just been having a… a rough patch in our relationship. I’m not giving up on us. I’ll win her back. She's just… confused and being taken advantage of! It's all that damn predators fault!” Bikim sighs and sits down on a nearby bench. “You're not the only one whose had something taken from them because of this job. You're not the only one without a home to go back to.”
Looking at Bikim now, a sad, pathetic man moping on the bench with nothing better to do on his rest claw than to try to externalise his inner pain… I find it hard to stay angry at him. He's still a narcissistic brahk ass and a complete jerk, but it's hard to truly hate someone when you actually know them. I had made quite a few assumptions about him when we first met, and he certainly hadn't helped my impression of him since, but… perhaps I was wrong to judge him so harshly?
“Nah,” the voice chortles, “he’s a piece of speh that got what he brahking deserves for being an insufferable prick.”
Overhead the intercom crackles to life and I can hear Jonsco's voice reverberating over the airwaves.
“Officers Vaesh and Sawvek please report to the briefing area for assignment. Repeat. Officers Vaesh and Sawvek please report to the briefing area for assignment.”
“Sounds like it's time for your first field assignment, Kid.” Bikim says, staring up at the intercom. “At least it gets you out of my wool. Try not to brahk it up and make the rest of us look bad.”
“Hmph.” I turn to leave, muttering to myself. “Stupid brahkass.”
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A/N - Hello! Sorry this one took a while. Like I mentioned before I got delayed working on my Ficnapping chapter as well as a crossover One-shot that's still in progress (but hopefully will be done soon). In other news we have new art of Sawvek's life-changing encounter in the Builder's Lane Bloodbath as drawn by Miglove and you can still find that and everything else Nature of Family in the new Master Post linked up above.
If you like the story then please remember to upvote, comment, and use the “!Subscribeme” function to be alerted to all new posts. I post as often as I can but real life has a tendency of getting in the way and my job makes it almost impossible to keep to any kind of schedule. Your engagement and support go a long way towards helping to keep me on track and motivated, so thank you very much for reading and I hope you'll stay tuned for next chapter!

quick background: 26 female, i've had some issues with my right shoulder since i was a kid. one time during school i lost my hearing in my right ear with no apparent reason. as an adult i've had issues with that ear and intermittent shoulder pain during times of stress. i've had lots of scans and tests for the ear and for other issues but i am literally as healthy as can be.
my issue:
my shoulder is super super tight and i have chronic tinnitus that worsens with activity because of all the blood rushing to the problem area. also migraines around the rightside
i also have a very tight right hip - i run and often feel it clicking, popping and often my upper quad is very sore to touch after a long run.
my right outer foot is also a major issue for me when running. it once bruised up severely and i couldn't walk for a while. this was on my outer top foot, migrating round to the ankle.
i have no issues on my left side or anywhere else.
i am hydrated, take supps, sleep (kind of) well, use muscle creams, roll out muscles without doing it too much and i also try stretching but i just have no idea what really helps because i have a feeling that all those issues aggravate and enable the other so to stretch out one is pointless because its being aggravated by the other.
what is the best plan of action for a very tight/sore full right side?