From 24-32, I wanted to live off of my art. The reason it hasn't happened is nuanced, but generally speaking, it's for two reasons:

1. Not adapting quick enough
   
2. Not disciplined on a daily basis
   

Throughout this time, I've seen my peers find their niche and go full force into their passion. For me? I still feel like I'm exploring.
Either way, I don't have that hunger and especially that engine needed to fulfill my dream. This is a very hard pill to swallow.
My "dream" is to live a flexible life, while money comes second.
The only "real world" career that I could find that matches these two values AND that I could do is teletherapy. Unfortunately, I discovered I don't have the passion for mental health like my peers do.
I prefer marketing, persuasion, etc. However, the learning curve for copywriting is second to the hustle of constantly finding work like an actor who constantly seeks roles. It's tiresome to think about as a beginner.
While I search for productivity systems and accountability groups, I wonder if I'm going about this career thing all wrong. I'd love stability and good pay, but I do not want to go into grad school debt, only to change my choice and be trapped like I almost was with social work. Also, the idea of copywriting as a sales job, is also unstable and not ideal.
Therefore, as I restart my career world view, where would you recommend I look or start? Thank you.

When I was preparing to take this course I wish I had a detailed review like this, so hope this helps...
General thoughts: I would be lying if I said this class is "easy." It's definitely not a class you can not study for at all and get perfect scores in. You need to put in the work. But it's not impossible, and definitely not as horrible as some people make it out to be.
Part 1 (Professor Ahmet Yildiz):
I went into the first section of the course thinking I'd need to memorize a bunch of amino acids, pKa's, etc.. There was not a lot of that. Yildiz is a professor who prefers application/conceptual understanding over brute force memorization. Take this with a grain of salt because the fall/other professors may have a different approach to the first section of 102. There is still quite a bit of info you need to memorize, but not to the extent people make it out to be.
His lectures are fairly dry. He did not know how to keep track of time/pace himself very well so he would often go thru only half a slide deck and need to pick back up during the next lecture. Thankfully he stuck to his word and did not expect us to learn info he didn't get to. Important to note that he has a fairly thick accent and talks quite fast so it can be difficult to catch every word he is saying at times. Nonetheless, his slides were pretty clear.
Exam was difficult but honestly not as bad as Ochem exams were for me. There's a mix of mcq, true/false, short answer, calculations, etc... The calculation questions were the hardest imo. Keep in mind he's a biophysicist so you'll see some of his physics background show up in the lectures & the way he frames his calculation-based questions. Regardless, the practice exam he gave from last year was definitely reflective of his exam.
He was the only professor to hold in-person office hours (helpful) and did stop for questions during lecture. Unfortunate part was that very little practice questions written by him were provided besides the practice exam.
Part 2 (Professor Evan Miller):
This section was quite content heavy, but was honestly my favorite section of the course. I attribute that to Miller's teaching. Miller is just amazing at what he does. He's super clear, succinct, articulate, knowledgable, and easy to follow along. His lectures pack in quite a lot of info but it never felt like that because he would annotate on his iPad alongside us as he taught. He always finished his lectures on time and was never in a rush. It's pretty obvious he has been doing this for a long time. He incorporated a lot of learning strategies in his section (active discussion/share-outs during lecture, pre/post surveys to assess student understanding, activities during discussion section, etc...).
Miller provided plenty of practice questions that were reflective/helpful for the exam. We received numerous problem sets, 2 practice exams, and practice questions built into the lecture. His exam was really long but because there was so many potential points - each question was not worth a whole lot (more room for mistakes). He was very upfront with his expectations and very helpful in office hours (held via Zoom).
Miller's section did incorporate some Ochem mechanisms but there were only 2-3 mechanisms on the exam. His section requires a combination of pattern recognition, memorization, and application. Very little to no math. After doing a bunch of practice questions you really get a feel for the type of questions he likes to ask.
Part 3 (Professor Ross Wilson):
People told me this section would be the easiest of the course. Not necessarily the case.
Professor Wilson is an extremely kind and easy-to-talk to/down-to-earth guy. He was always smiling, laughing, and making it easy to approach him. Nonetheless, his section's structure was not very helpful. Lectures were pre-recorded videos from 2020 that we were expected to watch on our own time. During the scheduled lecture time, Wilson would occasionally (on select days) show up to the lecture hall and do a Q&A / mini-review of the most recent lecture videos. Keep in mind these pre-recorded lectures were often an hour or longer. Wilson also stuttered/mumbled a lot. He would say something and then start questioning what he himself said or take something back. Or he would post a "correction" to something he said in the lecture videos. When people would ask questions during his in-person sessions, he would often get thrown off or not have a clear answer. I'm sure he's a smart guy but not necessarily the best teacher.
Wilson would provide really short assignments to complete (1-2 questions) but would then tell us that these questions were very hypothetical, not the best questions, too challenging, etc... Wilson constantly said he would not write such tricky questions on exams, but this wasn't necessarily the case. He was also constantly making comments about how he could have worded certain things better.
He was nice enough to provide ALL exams he's given while he's taught this course. He told us the most recent practice exam (2023) was going to be the most reflective, which was not 100% true because that exam was much much easier than ours and had questions straight up copy/pasted from previous years. Our exam was much harder than I expected it to be because the fill in the blank questions/MCQ's were each worth a lot of points. Getting one word or question wrong was quite costly. It was sometimes unclear what Wilson was asking for, or two answer choices seemed correct for the MCQ. It was kinda shocking because Wilson made it seem like his exam was going to be the easiest/ most straightforward when in reality it was quite challenging.
Content-wise, Wilson packed a LOT into his lectures. It was hard to sense what was essential info and what was more supplemental/examples. The way he structured his lectures often felt out of order. The man did provide an "elements to know" list with essential terms/concepts however, which did help.
I would argue part 3 was the hardest section of the course because of the structure/teaching style though Wilson is a hella chill guy.
Overall thoughts:
This course definitely takes foundational concepts from Bio 1A and builds on it (with some added Ochem ideas/principles and a bit of math).If you liked Bio 1A you will probably enjoy the course content. The professors were pretty decent but had 3 different teaching styles/course formats so I could see people getting lost with expectations/deadlines/assignments if they didn't attend class in-person. It would have been nice if things were consistent across the three sections.
One issue I had with the course was the lack of transparency regarding course grading. It took many weeks for the first exam to be graded and then the regrade process was a little chaotic. The professors never brought up grade bins during class nor was there anything about grades in the syllabus. I never knew how I was doing or what grade I might get in the class. People kept telling me that to get an A you had to do approx 1.5 stdv above average, which definitely caused some anxiety.
If you have to take this class I'd recommend it in the spring. For the spring semester, you get a 4x6 cheatsheet notecard for every exam (not always useful but still better than nothing). Lecture recordings are always provided (which I heard isn't the case for all 3 sections in the fall). The professors ended up being very generous with the final grade bins for the course. We weren't provided with final cutoffs, but the head GSI suggested that approx 60 percent of the class got some form of A's or B's.
I was fortunate enough to do well in the course, so here is my advice for future students... 1) Don't skip lecture/ always attend in-person! I never missed a single one so keeping up with the material was not an issue. It's super easy to get behind in this class yet significantly difficult to get back on track once you slip up 2) Attend professor OH: I did this off and on but when I did go they were helpful. 3) Go to all review sessions - I attended GSI review sessions, professor review sessions, and the SLC ones - you have nothing to lose by going (more exposure to material the better). 4) Grind out ALL the practice exams/problems provided. They are 100% the best way to prepare for exams. 5) Take good notes and actually review them frequently. 6) Make Quizlet or Anki your best friend: I used flashcards to prep for every section and studied them on the daily. 7) Ask questions on ED or during discussion section: GSI's are very kind & willing to help.
I used the textbook a little bit for part 1 (was somewhat helpful) and did not for parts 2 & 3. You don't need it, nor would I recommend going searching for Youtube videos. Lecture has everything you need. Oh, and there's no cumulative final! Midterm 3 (section 3 exam) happens during the allotted final exam time. Workload for the class is on the lighter side - just some problem sets that are graded on completion.
All in all, I actually enjoyed the course to some extent. It was definitely a rollercoaster of emotions / a challenging journey, but I think if you put in a lot of work/effort and remain positive - an A is not out of reach. This is not a Bio 1A/1B or Chem 1A where you can simply study the night before and still do amazing (all 3 exams had averages between 55 and 60 percent btw). But it's not at all the horrible class people scare you into thinking - it's likely easier than the physics series here and some upper div MCB courses. I wish people didn't make this class seem like it's straight out of a horror movie, but at the same time hearing people's experiences definitely pushed me to work harder.

So, I’m currently at a loss with this girl in my class. We have known each other for a year and a half. We share core values, hobbies, life goals, life trauma, work well as a team, kinda eerie. She is F23 and I’m M32 (likely the disconnect). We haven’t been romantic, though there is obvious tension.
Things like staying the night at each others place (same bed) hanging out all night, and long phone calls. We started off really strong and as friends that could have been more but we acknowledged there was self sabotaged on both ends and could use some growth.
As this year goes on we find our selves trying to rekindle things as friends but there is just a disconnect. Micro aggressions upset us both and whilst she now has a boyfriend she still takes time trying to plan things out for us to do.
We were supposed to meet for coffee after class and grab a bite to eat, however, she forgot last minute and said she’d try tomorrow “if she remembers”. Thing is I reminded her 30 minutes before.
So, I scratched the possibility of that happening and was ready to move on. My friends are telling me that would be selfish because we have history and she wouldn’t want to spend time with me if she didn’t want to still be friends.
TLDR: a friend of mine that showed interest in dating me now has a boyfriend and is sending mixed signals about our friendship.
Is this just games or should I try to do more for the relationship?

Starting and managing a shave ice business can be incredibly rewarding, especially when you see the smiles on your customers’ faces as they enjoy a perfectly made shave ice. One of the critical part of running a successful shave ice business is mastering the art of creating the perfect shave ice. The texture of the ice is paramount, distinguishing a subpar snow cone from a gourmet shave ice experience. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you make the perfect shave ice, ensuring customer satisfaction and repeat business.
Importance of Ice Texture The texture of the ice is the defining feature that sets Tropical Sno apart from the rest. Soft, fluffy snow makes for a delightful product that is enjoyable to eat. To achieve this, you need to ensure you have a sharp blade on your shave ice machine and use a tempered block of ice. Replace your blade at least every 2,000 servings to maintain optimal performance. Always wear food handlers gloves when shaving ice to maintain hygiene.
Preparing the Shave Ice Machine Before putting ice in the shave ice machine, make sure it is turned off and the blade is lowered. Center the ice on the shaving disc and lower the main shaft to set the teeth into the block. There’s no need to slam down on the main shaft; gently setting it is sufficient. Close the shield and turn the machine back on. Step on the foot control to start the machine and slowly turn the blade adjustment knob counterclockwise to raise the blade into the ice. Adjust the blade until you’re shaving light, fluffy snow. Properly shaved ice will absorb the flavor right into it, preventing too much syrup from collecting at the bottom of the cup.
Shaving the Ice If you raise the blade too high, the ice will become coarse and ruin the quality of the product. Although it might feel like you’re going faster, you’ll end up with chunks of ice rather than snow, which also dulls the blade much faster. Catch the snow in your dominant hand and place it in the cup. Rotate the cup with your other hand, not packing too hard but just enough to hold it together. As the cup fills up, start forming a dome or a snowball on the top of the cup. When you’re done, it should have a perfect shape, ready for flavoring.
Tips for Perfect Shave Ice

• Don’t Overwork the Ice: Packing the ice too hard can create a hard shell that won’t absorb the flavor properly. If the ice is packed too hard, the flavor won’t reach the bottom of the cup, and your customer shouldn’t need an ice pick to eat their shave ice.
• Avoid Packing Too Loosely: If the snow caves in when you pour flavor on it, it’s not packed well enough. Aim for a balance where the ice is firm enough to hold its shape but soft enough to absorb the syrup evenly.
• Handling Machine Freeze-Ups: From time to time, your shave ice machine may freeze up. This happens when the blade and the shaving disc become so cold that ice starts to build up behind the blade. If this occurs, remove the block of ice from the machine and pour water over the blade to melt the ice buildup.

Perfecting the Flavor Properly shaved ice will absorb the flavor syrup, ensuring each bite is delicious. Use high-quality syrups and experiment with different flavors to keep your menu exciting. Offering a variety of flavors and combinations can set your business apart and keep customers coming back for more.
Practice Makes Perfect Shaving ice is an art that takes practice to perfect. The more you work with your machine and understand how the ice responds, the better your shave ice will become. Keep these tips in mind and continue practicing to improve your technique.
Conclusion Making the perfect shave ice involves attention to detail and practice. By focusing on the texture of the ice, preparing your machine correctly, and handling the ice with care, you can create a product that delights your customers. Remember, the key to success in the shave ice business is delivering a consistent and high-quality product that keeps people coming back. Happy shaving!
check out tropical sno blog for more fun shave ice info!!

Sorry in advance for the length, but really needing some insight from anyone who’s been in a similar situation.
For context, my ex (M 27) and I (F 25) were together almost five years, known each other for seven, lived together for over three. I knew before going into dating that he drank.. a lot. And potentially had issues with it.
For the first year, I’d say he was getting blackout drunk 2-3 times a week. Of course it ended up causing problems. Fighting, him prioritizing going out, being generally annoying and obnoxious from drinking too much, lying about drinking causing trust issues, etc. We moved in together after about a year and a half because I was in love and thought it was a phase he had to eventually grow out of.
Plus, besides drinking, he is usually the most charming, unsuspecting, friendly, caring guy. I know that he has issues with anxiety, and grieving the loss of a parent within the last few years. So I know there are also some deeper rooted issues he has with that. Also, most other aspects of our relationship are good besides the typical relationship bickering.
Over time the drinking became less frequent, however it was always too much when he did drink. The amount and intensity of the fights kept getting worse to the point where things got physical, mostly pushing or shoving and one or two instances of hitting (one or too way too many). I’m sure I instigated out of frustration of him drinking when he said he wasn’t but eventually it got to the point where I wouldn’t have to even do or say much for his mean alcoholic brain to “switch on” at me.
Fast forward to earlier this year and we’ve tried most everything. Him trying to not drink wouldn’t stick. He’d still lie about drinking. Would still get out of hand when he drank. He told me he was going to try and get sober, did for a couple weeks, then went back to the same old routine. Eventually we decided to take a break that lasted a few weeks and in that time I found out about a very affordable apartment from a family friend, I told him about it and that it was on the table, but didn’t decide on it right away. We were fighting a lot and eventually he also encouraged me to move out because we need space and that he doesn’t want to stop drinking, maybe slow DOWN, but not stop and I wasn’t having that.
I came home after a few incidents of him hiding drinks and trashing the house and making a fool of himself, and decided to take the apartment a month ago, moved out a week ago. In the same week I randomly met a guy through mutual friends who I really hit it off with, we’ve gotten close, I enjoy spending time with him, and it’s opened my eyes (and my anxiety) to seeing that there’s more to life than how I was living.
HOWEVER… The last few weeks/month after me moving out have apparently been his “rock bottom.” He’s been crying almost every day, and has had anxiety attacks. He went to his doctor to get the injectable medication to stop drinking and curb the crave, and has been back in counseling as well as making other life changes like quitting vaping, not talking to his party friends, meal prepping instead of always buying fast food, etc.
He’s also been telling me he’s always known he has a problem (which I agree with) he’s just never realized how bad it was getting and never knew what to do and feels like he’s ready to grow up because he’s tired of how it’s affecting different aspects of his life. He also keeps saying he will wait for me and do whatever to prove to me that this is change for the long term, wants me to be secure in a future with him, and wants to make me happy. He has tried to quit before but it was never successful, but I also haven’t seen him take things as seriously. I think things would work if he is able to quit drinking for the long run and be sober. We would obviously need to work through the trust issues and previous resentment but I don’t think it’s impossible.
So now I guess my dilemma is that I’ve uprooted my life, finally moved and NOW he wants to turn his life around with actions of instead of just talking about it now. Plus, three weeks of this new behavior is hard for me to bank on after the 7 years of behavior I’ve been used to and it frustrates me if he changes now after begging him and trying to be there for him for so long. I’ve also met someone I’m interested in and things have been going really, incredibly, unexpectedly well. I can just tell my ex is torn up by all of this, but I’ve also never experienced an alcoholic in my life other than him. Do we think this is legit, do we think the relationship is worth salvaging? I know I don’t have to make any rash decisions right this second and basically told him “I don’t know what the future holds, I’m not closed off to the idea of making things work if you’re able to change your lifestyle, but it’s not happening right now. Act accordingly with that and wait for me or don’t, but I’m not asking you to”
So I guess instead of advice, my question is.. what would you do?
TL;DR: Broke up with ex, a functioning alcoholic for 5 years. Other aspects of relationship are normal, alcohol issues have caused resentment. Drinking has become less frequent but still drinks too much when he does and gets out of hand. Knows he has a problem, has tried to quit, not successful. I’ve moved out, he’s hit “rock bottom” and is remorseful, on medication, doing counseling and wants to make things work for the long term. I’ve also met someone I’m interested. Looking for insight.

Tldr: A critical SYNDE coalition home hole is burned to the ground by HAWKS and hundreds of billions are lost or safelogged.

On Starting Points

One of the more contentious elements of any major conflict is identifying when, precisely, it actually began. In EVE, as IRL, that is particularly challenging given the breadth of metagaming which takes place. Did the Wormhole War begin when SYNDE decided last summer that they wanted to replace HAWKS as the dominant high-class wormhole group and committed to making that a reality? Did it begin when they solidified their alliance with the Initiative? When they build their wormhole coalition? When they seeded HAWKS home with capitals? Any of those, had they been out in the open, would likely have triggered open hostilities. But those plans and the steps towards their ultimate objective were carefully and smartly hidden from view.
The widespread SYNDE coalition assault on HAWKS C5 and C6 holes began on March 24^th. With the information we now have available to us, the real start of the war was likely the eviction of Voidlings during the first week of March 2024. HAWKS and their future allies were almost certainly unaware of the significance of that eviction, but leaked internal SYNDE comms put truth to the notion that SYNDE viewed that as a critical first step in isolating and crippling HAWKS. It was, then, the first overt act of war by SYNDE – though its place in that broader campaign remained shrouded for several weeks.
Voidlings is a small to midsize wormhole group. A few years ago, they were a growing low class wormhole group living in a C2 with HS and C3 statics. In 2022, they moved into a new home, a C5 wormhole with a C5 static. For non-wormholers, nearly every high class PVP group lives in a C5 with a C5 static. C5 space is both where the majority of high class farms are. The abundance of C5 statics means that living on the “C5 Highway” is often the best route to all forms of high class pvp and pve content. Honor brawls also almost exclusively take place in C5 holes.
So Voidlings grew from a low-class group into a high-class group, and they continued recruiting in an effort to become one of the relevant high class PVP groups. Their zkillboard suggests they participated in most traditional high class activities – farming, feeding, fighting, evicting, ganking, skirmishing. It appears they were supported during this period of growth by one or more HAWKS members. As a result of this affiliation they were not approached by SYNDE during their coalition-building period. Instead, they were marked for pre-war eviction both to be a preliminary test of coalition coordination and also to eliminate a potential HAWKS ally. Isolating HAWKS was key to the entire war plan.
SYNDE began seeding the Voidlings home with dreads in Feb 2024, ultimately bringing in 6 to support their eviction. At the appropriate time, a robust joint fleet led by SYNDE but also including key coalition allies TURBO and Stay Feral infiltrated the Voidlings home hole, installed a staging POS and began their eviction. They diligently held hole control, adding another half-dozen capital ships to their arsenal over the next several hours. A Voidlings eviction seemed inevitable, as they simply lacked the manpower and experience needed to prevent a collection of wormhole groups that large from evicting them. As is often the case when a home hole is under threat of eviction, batphones rang out across wormhole space. HAWKS, NOVAC and SL0W answered the call for Voidlings. The future SYNDE coalition was on already on standby to support this eviction if necessary, as well as future neutral LUPUS. SYNDE had also secured a commitment from the Initiative to support should the need arise.
At first, it did not appears that the batphoning was likely to change anything. SYNDE maintained diligent hole control, not permitting either Voidlings or any allies from bringing in ships or pilots via the Voidlings static. HAWKS rage rolled from their home to get into the Voidlings home, but was unsuccessful.
For the non-wormholers, when you rage roll a C5 static in order to connect with a specific C5 wormhole, you have a 1 in 531 chance of getting connected to that specific hole with each rage roll. Rolling into a specific hole requires days of 24/7 rage rolling and even then the odds are against you. Wormhole groups really only engage in this level of commitment for really high-level situations, such as the historical eviction of HK’s home hole Rage back in 2018.
Midway through the eviction, however, a frig hole popped connecting the Voidlings home with Horde space. HAWKS, NOVAC and SL0W immediately burned in shuttles to that frig hole, and SYNDE was unable to stop the vast majority of them from jumping into the hole and docking in the besieged Voidlings fort.
Voidlings leadership distributed their home defense handout Ravens to their comrades and the stage was set for a glorious home eviction defense fight. SYNDE and friends had a large 100-ship Barghest fleet supported by nearly a dozen capitals (dreads/fax) while Voidlings and friends could field 100 cruise Ravens with FAX logi and nearly two dozen long-range dreads. Range control and capital placement was understood by both sides’ FCs to be critical to the outcome of the fight. SYNDE had a fleet advantage, but one that could be overcome. Unbeknownst to the Voidlings side, once the frig hole popped SYNDE leadership had invoked their war alliance with Initiative, The Initative pinged and mobilized a 200-man Tengu fleet, travelling quickly to the wormhole chain’s entrance. Jumping in, the Initiative fleet docked in a nearby SYNDE farm and waited.
As a critical citadel timer approached, SYNDE FC Cyrus Kurush fleet warped dreads to range the full Barghest comp along with them. Bubbles exploded all over the grid, aiming to stop the Voidlings defense fleet from warping to a good position. This was an effective stratagem, as SYNDE knew that the Voidlings defense fleet would rely on FAX logi – so pinging around grid was not a viable option. The Voidlings fleet needed a clean warp-in, to a position favorable for their cruise Ravens. The dreads began bashing the fortizar, forcing the Voidlings fleet to commit the fleet or watch their citadel burn. The Ravens and their FAX logi aligned and warped, accepting a mediocre initial position that would permit the SYNDE dreads to apply well. Once the FAX landed, the HAWKS FC leading the Voidlings fleet called for all dreads to undock, and they were warped in to support this all-in defense effort. Those dreads landed, activated siege modules, and began primarying the SYNDE dreads.
After one SYNDE dread exploded and another started taking damage, the trap was sprung. Reports on both comms noted that a 200-man tengu fleet was on dscan. Confusion turned into delight on SYNDE comms and resigned frustration on Voidlings comms as the Initiative fleet landed on grid and immediately began fragging Ravens. What might have been a closely-fought battle quickly turned into a complete rout. Voidlings was able to extract a small number of dreads – but the butcher’s toll was a heavy one. Voidlings – having supplied all the ships used by the defenders – lost the entire Raven fleet and nearly all the capitals, for a total of 327b lost against 1117b killed. https://br.evetools.org/related/31001880/202403020300
The remainder of the eviction proceeded to plan, and all Voidlings citadels were destroyed. SYNDE celebrated a successful test run of their broader vision and campaign. In recent leaks that cover the aftermath, SYNDE lead Cyrus Kurush noted that although SYNDE had shown they could take on HAWKS alone, they would take advantage of their massive alliance to simply speed the broader war goal of taking all the HAWKS high class farms and taking their rightful place atop a New Wormhole Oder.

On Rallying Cries and Motivations

This leads to another critical element for how the war would unfold. Wars in EVE are won by motivated pilots first, and a war chest second. For some time, SYNDE and their primary allies had planted the seeds of resentment towards HAWKS among their members. This is not a challenging task, as most wormhole groups generally dislike each other to begin with. In casus belli discussions with HAWKS immediately prior to the war, and in coalition and leadership meetings with their side, SYNDE was fairly consistent about their war aims: take all HAWKS C6 farms, take HAWKS C5 farms, and take HAWKS home. Those farms were to be distributed to SYNDE and their allies, although the specifics were studiously avoided in discussions.
The leak of the SYNDE pre-war CTA gives real insight into members motivations going into the war. Typically, pre-war CTA meetings in EVE are full of hype, energy and enthusiasm. The Synde CTA, by contrast, seemed a much more pragmatic event. Members were concerned about their current farms, about the plan to deploy out of home and into a C6 staging, about working with blues, and about their ability to participate in NPSI fleets during the war. SYNDE lead Cyrus Kurush needed to make clear several times that the expectation was that even though many SYNDE members were also members of other LS and NS groups, they were expected to devote their full effort and focus to the upcoming war against HAWKS. It is almost impossible to take away from that CTA meeting anything other than a rather shocking lack of enthusiasm for the war from SYNDE line members.

The War in Heaven

On the other hand, HAWKS motivations were much easier to discern. This War presented an existential threat. In the eyes of the SYNDE coalition, HAWKS farms and home were both forfeit. Everything they had built over the preceding decade was destined for destruction. Isolated and outnumbered, this would be the ultimate test of HAWKS members’ commitment. The sudden and shocking rebirth of Hard Knocks was mirrored by a large number of longterm HAWKS members also resubbing.
Another critical and perhaps overlooked element of motivations on HAWKS side was the war vs peace element. Although “peace” in wormhole space is a decidedly violent affair in general, with pretty much every group killing every other group on a daily basis, it had been many years since there was a major, sustained conflict in wormhole space. Nullsec often differentiates between “Skirmish FCs” and “Strat FCs”, with the former leading normal day-to-day fleets of battlecruiser sized ships or smaller, and the latter leading the heavy fleets, cap fleets, super fleets or the sizeable, complicated fleets deployed in major conflicts. In the cartel world that is wormhole space, it might be more appropriate to differentiate between “Territory FCs” and “War FCs”. The former freely leads the wide range of fleets that fight, gank, camp and brawl throughout wormhole space on a daily basis. The latter wants to lead larger, more complicated fleets in direct support of a broader strategic initiative. In gaming as IRL, it is normal for highly skilled players to want to be challenged – and at some point, the normal day-to-day fights no longer satisfies those urges. In some cases, that leads to corps fading away (HK), in others, it leads to limited participation (many HAWKS members/FCs).
When this Wormhole War kicked off, it was promptly dubbed “The War in Heaven” by the HAWKS/HK side. This name refers directly to the biblical conflict between two rival groups of Angels – that led by Michael, and that led by Satan. Revelation 12:7-10:

7 Then war broke out in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. 8 But he was not strong enough, and they lost their place in heaven. 9 The great dragon was hurled down—that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

It is not particularly challenging to figure out which side HAWKS was associating themselves with, given that the name of their CEO is Michael1995.
Perhaps more pragmatically, among members in both HAWKS and the reborn HK, this war was indeed a gift from Heaven above – a chance to dive into a massive, complicated campaign against a foe who was willing to violate wormhole norms in order to achieve their goals. During the first two weeks when HAWKS farms were burning, there is a sense that many of the HAWKS and HK leads were genuinely giddy about the opportunity to take the field and leverage all their accumulated skills, knowledge and experience against an increasingly-reviled opponent. Yes, things looked dire from the outside but internally, there was a mixture of enthusiasm and cautious optimism.

Headshots and Flipping

During normal wormhole fights, both brawls and skirmishes, it is generally considered poor form to headshot the other side’s FC. It happens sometimes, but is definitely looked down upon in the wormhole community. This is the sort of norm that disappears in the context of a large war, or any sort of existential threat situation.
At the strategic level, “headshotting” generally refers to destroying or debilitating the other side’s capacity to fight by taking home holes or staging holes. This would be a key element in the HAWKS strategy, and one surprisingly absent from the SYNDE side. From the very first week, HAWKS looked to take advantage of any opportunity, however fleeting, to headshot SYNDE and their allies. The early ATRAX eviction was the first example of this. It would not be the last, not by a long shot.
Another key tactic is flipping. Not flipping as in changing sides, but rather flipping as in unanchoring and then re-anchoring an Upwell citadel. Recall that when a citadel dies in a wormhole, every pilot’s possessions that remain in that citadel drop as loot cans on the grid. 100% loot drop, 100% of the time. Over time, as pilots join and then leave a group, hangar containers accumulate. Over the years, in successful wormhole groups, this frozen hangar trash can reach into the tens or hundreds of billions. This can make evicting a wormhole resident or group an increasingly attractive over time. A hole that has been owned for a year will not have much loot drop. One owned for many years will likely have a great deal more.
Years ago, intrepid wormhole residents realized that a good way to counter this mechanic was to “flip” their citadels: unanchor, get all the AFG/left corp loot for yourself, then re-anchor. There is risk to this, but for a pvp corp that maintains hole control, the risk is quite minimal.
HAWKS had lived in their current home for nearly a decade. A large, successful group like HAWKS accumulates a large amount of hangar wealth over a period like that, much of it frozen as members AFG or leave corp. During the first week of the War, HAWKS recognized this large oversight and unanchored all the structures in their home hole. A neutral observer might have thought that HAWKS were self-evicting. Through their spy, SYNDE knew that they were planning to flip them and stay in the fight. Unwilling to entertain a HAWKS home eviction at this early stage in the war, SYNDE watched as HAWKS unanchored all their citadels and replaced them with a dozen newly anchored fortizars – and clearing their citadel grid of thousands of loot cans. A steady stream of DSTs transiting in and out of HAWKS home confirmed that wealth was quickly transferred out to kspace.
In that first week, by “flipping” their citadels, HAWKS eliminated the majority of the financial incentives that generally come with evicting a pvp corp’s home hole.

Seeding an Apple

During the period where HAWKS farms were burning and SYNDE was soaring, on Tuesday April 2^nd, HAWKS rolled into the SUGAR home hole. Some of SUGAR’s pvp toons were supporting SYNDE, some were farming, others were out participating in NPSI roams in kspace. Few of them were in their home hole. HAWKS sent in a bait RF fleet of a trio of Leshaks while at the same time pinging for a heavy armor Nighthawk fleet. SUGAR panic pinged as the Leshaks began RFing one of the many citadels in their home. With confusion reigning, SUGAR undocked a kitchen sink fleet including armor and shield, capital and subcapital. Once SUGAR began engaging, HAWKS brought in their heavy shield fleet. HAWKS then began dismantling the haphazard SUGAR home defense fleet, as captured in the first 3 minutes of this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZKgFPbSaLk
After fragging much of the SUGAR defenders, HAWKS proceeded to reinforce every citadel in the SUGAR home. SUGAR lost 35bn in ships in a one-sided fight. SYNDE was dismayed by the poor SUGAR showing. https://br.evetools.org/b66452e6803aec30012694316
Those structures all repaired over the coming week.
On April 12^th , HAWKS returned and again reinforced all SUGAR structures, this time with no opposition. Following that second round of reinforces, SUGAR pinged and directed its members to return to home and adopt a defensive posture with rigorous hole control to prevent a HAWKS return.
Many SUGAR members by this point were now opposing their corp’s direction. They certainly disliked HAWKS, but they had historically disliked SYNDE and their allies just as much. Joining them struck many members as a short-sighted, unwise adventure. They had actively participated in reinforcing and blowing up HAWKS structures, only to discover that SYNDE was most often dropping replacement citadels as they got cleared. SUGAR line members felt they were doing a lot of work for little or no benefit.
On April 13^th, HAWKS rolled into the SUGAR home hole for a third time – this time with amor timers only hours away. SUGAR immediately sought to roll that incoming wormhole, throwing yacht after yacht at it, as well as a lone praxis. They were able to crit the hole despite losing yachts every few passes.
Sigils are a common ship used most often by Nullsec farmers looking to roll wormholes that threaten their peaceful farming, These Sigils are referred to by wormholers almost universally as “suicide sigils”. The SUGAR FC directed his members to get into Sigils, undock, nullify, and warp to the hole. That hole needed to die. It needed to die now. “Even mains?” one member – Scott Appleblade - inquired. “Even mains,” replied the FC.
Scott hopped into the sigil, and warped to the hole, forgetting to nullify. He landed in the bubble, and was immediately fragged by the HAWKS on grid. https://zkillboard.com/kill/116986540/
Scott, now sitting in Jita, asked for a route back into his home. The FC replied they had no kspace entries at the minute. Scott asked if one could be found. The FC replied not now, quiet, we’re still dealing with this hole. Scott logged off, seething.
Scott had not wanted this war from the very start. Scott had recently upgrade from a Class 3 farm to a Class 5 farm of his own. Scott enjoyed farming combat sites in Leshaks and dreaming of a brighter future. Scott had always dreamed he might one day save up enough to afford a faction FAX: the Loggerhead. He knew they didn’t make much sense and were rarely used, but Scott loved the “Poggerhead” meme. Scott prided himself on his memes. He would often meet people and knew right away that they would become a meme. That was just life, but an elite meme could memorialize that. Scott just wanted to undock from his home fort in a Loggerhead and enjoy the moment. That seemed less and less likely now that the SUGAR home was being reinforced weekly. SUGAR leadership was either absent or, frankly, being dicks. Scott was over it. He had worked too hard. He deserved better. His fellow SUGAR members did, too.
Scott waited until later in the day when he was able to get a kspace entry for his main back into SUGAR’s home chain. He flew his inty in, still seething but with a plan for exacting revenge coalescing in Scott’s mind.
For the non-wormholers, it is important to explain that when you are a member of a wormhole corp, you have a lot more access to corp assets than you likely ever would in a Nullsec or Lowsec corp. Due to wormhole mechanics, wormhole corps almost always have a “Shared” corp hangar in each citadel where commonly used ships and modules are available to all members. This usually includes rolling ships, and handout pvp ships, among other things.
Scott docked in their home fort. He hesitated for a minute as he surveyed those familiar surroundings, but then the rage came back. He just wanted to farm, and now he might lose that. All because of SUGAR leadership. He knew his corp mates understood and would appreciate his actions. Scott proceeded to move everything in the SUGAR shared corp hangar to his personal hangar. He did a double take – he had just acquired over 30b of assets. That would go a long way towards a down payment on the Loggerhead if he could get that to a trade hub.
One good idea begets another, and Scott repackaged every assembled ship he had just taken. He then put the most valuable elements into his two DSTs. He shuttled those out to Jita and back, and then repeated the round trip several times. During the monotony of the transits, Scott realized that nobody – not leadership, not his corp mates – had noticed anything. Even though he was now much wealthier, SUGAR was still in need of a wakeup call.
As he warped to the next wormhole, it hit him – the bookmarks! This is another major difference between Nullsec / Lowsec and wormhole groups. In kspace, one can navigate very easily, or at least with confidence about where you’re going. In wormholes, one needs corp mates scanning wormholes and making bookmarks, basically a temporary map that wormhole pilots use to navigate the ever-changing wormhole landscape. All members need access to those bookmarks, and the ability to create, edit and delete them.
Scott deleted them. All of them. No more going to help SYNDE. No more warping your dread to a safe because HAWKS had bubbled the fort. No more finding your way back after getting rolled out. With no bookmarks, SUGAR would need to stop and consider where they were and why. Scott was pleased with the neat metaphor. At least he thought it was a metaphor. Might also be an analogy. He wasn’t sure, but he was sure it was brilliant.
His DSTs landed on the next hole and Scott jumped. It was then that Scott noticed he had no bookmarks in the next wormhole. That knowledge, combined with his decision not to fit probe launchers on either of his DSTs, was not a positive development. Scott, priding himself on his judgment, weighed his current situation against all he had achieved this evening – over 20b of ships and mods in Jita, and a powerful statement to SUGAR leadership. That was worth the loss of two DSTs that only had about 1.5B combined between them. Scott self-destructed the DSTs, returned to Jita, and went to bed contemplating a brighter future.

When Espionage Meets Opportunity

Prior to shutting the doors a few years ago, Hard Knocks had been regarded in the wormhole community as the top wormhole group for espionage. In a world where information is power, they have always had a remarkable abundance of critical information. Unlike HAWKS, HK was aware of the SYNDE plans and coalition building not long after they were conceived. As allies joined the SYNDE effort, HK sought to penetrate those groups. SUGAR accepted a key HK spy in January of this year. Over the next two months, this spy would quickly work his way up the SUGAR hierarchy, demonstrating strong FC and leadership abilities. When the war broke out, he was one of the main FCs. His background in HK and HAWKS affiliated groups was no concern for SUGAR leadership as they committed to the SYNDE coalition.
When Scott pilfered everything from SUGAR shared and deleted all bookmarks, the spy noticed both. He consulted with his HK mates and decided it might be a fantastic opportunity. The spy reached out to SUGAR directors and offered to do his part in resolving the matter – they needed to cut off access to Scott and his alts, they needed to do it 5 minutes ago and they needed to tighten things up. He knew how to do it, and he was happy to help. There was only one SUGAR director online. He was unsure of how to best resolve the Scott situation, so he called up the CEO on his cell. The CEO and director huddled up and agreed that their best FC was the man to fix it. They gave director roles to a spy who’d been in corp less than 3 months. During a war. A war against HAWKS and HK.
SUGAR members woke up the morning of Sunday April 14^th, logged on, and discovered that every one of the structures in their home hole had been transferred to an HK holding corp. Their implant sets were all gone. Every single one. They were unable to dock. Most of their combat pilots were not even in their home hole. What was in the SUGAR home was a massive HAWKS coalition fleet.
And NOVAC was in it.

Stay on the Sidelines and You Will Burn

SYNDE’s diplomatic efforts had been widespread for the months leading up to the Wormhole War. They had enlisted the support of both large wormhole groups and small in building their expansive anti-HAWKS coalition. Two of the biggest pvp groups in wormhole space had consistently declined their overtures: LUPUS and NOVAC. Strong, independent, brawling groups, they did not like HAWKS, but they also didn’t like SYNDE. In proper cartel fashion, they were not interested in helping either of those groups achieve more power or territory. Truth be told they wanted both sides to lose. Better to remain neutral and pick the best course at a later time.
SYNDE did not push much until the first two weeks of the war. During that first week of burning HAWKS farms, according to SYNDE lead Cyrus Kurush, 16 or 17 C6 farms were transferred from HAWKS to NOVAC. LUPUS was the beneficiary of a smaller number of HAWKS farms. It was clear that under the weight of the broad offensive, many HAWKS members had opted to sell their farms to neutral wormhole groups. In most cases, it was HAWKS members selling farms to long-term EVE friends in other wormhole groups.
Cyrus Kurush was livid. He had already earmarked every HAWKS C6, and now many of them seemed to be passing out of the war and into the hands of neutrals who continued to refuse to join his coalition. He directed his lead diplo Zelvig to reengage with NOVAC and clearly relay his message. Zelvig did so, informing NOVAC of two key things: one, further receipt of any HAWKS farm would be viewed as an act of war, and two, while NOVAC was welcome to remain a friendly neutral during this early part of the campaign, the C6s they had already received from HAWKS should be seen as being held in trust for the wormhole community. Following the now-inevitable HAWKS eviction and removal from high class space, NOVAC would have to settle their farm accounts with SYNDE. With his customary enthusiasm, Zelvig gave NOVAC a timeline for their decision to join the coalition: as soon as the last HAWKS C6 farm fell, SYNDE would turn to the NOVAC C6s unless they had already joined. Zelvig estimated that gave NOVAC 2 or 3 more weeks to make a decision.
NOVAC made their decision that night, informing HAWKS leadership that they would be joining the HAWKS side. They asked only that they have a week to get their group organized and prepared. At the end of that week, NOVAC joined HAWKS, HK, Voidlings, and 418 in infiltrating a Vulture fleet into SUGAR’s home hole.

Sugar Free: J104037 Bleeds and Falls

Two things happened from the jump: HAWKS took and held hole control in SUGAR’s home hole while infiltrating additional pilots, and SYNDE pinged hard to get their coalition members to consolidate in Waffle House, the C6 hole that they had made their staging at the start of the war. It was chosen due to its C6 static, which permitted SYNDE to roll into HAWKS C6 farms and reinforce then destroy them at will.
With the HAWKS fleet swelling in numbers with NOVAC’s addition to their alliance, they openly docked in SUGAR’s citadels – now owned by HK. SUGAR members could only watch in horror as the citadel showed more and more reds docking in their fortizar.
SYNDE began rage-rolling in earnest, hoping to connect to SUGAR’s home. Cyrus Kurush was eager to test the new coalition Cyclone Fleet Issue doctrine they had theorycrafted to counter the HAWKS Vuilture doctrine. He preferred their blaster Megathron Navy Issue doctrine, but that had proven ill-suited to deal with the Vultures in the earlier brawl in the HK staging C6.
As would happen often throughout this campaign, luck favored the bold. SYNDE rolled into SUGAR’s home at a high point for SYNDE fleet participation. SYNDE immediately jumped sabres into system and fully bubbled their “in” hole, giving them the time they needed to warp their entire fleet to the hole. They avoided a repeat of the prior fight where they were unable to get their entire fleet in due to poor hole control. The full SYNDE fleet jumped through the hole, rolling it as they sent in the full 3b+ in ship mass. All told, over 150 Cyclone Fleet Issues flooded into the SUGAR home, along with support. The HAWKS fleet undocked to reports of 20 dreads on dscan as the SYNDE fleet warped to the (former) SUGAR main fortizar. SUGAR members had logged on the caps they were still able to pilot – some undocked from that forts, others from deep safes in system. As the CFI fleet connected with the increasing dread bomb, siege modules were engaged and the battle was joined.
The fight was a back and forth affair for a short period before some aggressive FCing by the HAWKS/HK/NOVAC FC team forced the SYNDE fleet to extract. At that point, a dynamic unique to wormhole combat emerged. SYNDE, realizing they could not win on grid, focused on extracting as many SUGAR capitals as possible. They would scan the new static C5 connection – as would HAWKS – and then each would race subcap fleets to that new hole and contest it. If SYNDE was able to get there first and keep the hole clear of sabre bubbles, SUGAR would warp their capitals to that hole and jump 3 of them out. That would kill the hole, causing a new static wormhole to appear one minute later where the two sides could repeat the process. With each new static wormhole, SYNDE continued to feed ships and lose combat capability.
A highly comedic situation occurred on one such hole. HAWKS warped their lone rolling carrier to it blind. In so doing, they hoped to be able to jump the carrier and briefly assert hole control – preventing more than one SUGAR cap from getting out, and also giving the HAWKS fleet time to tackle the others. The carrier landed right after the SUGAR caps did – but in a critical communication gap, the SUGAR caps did not know which 3 were supposed to leave on this hole. SYNDE sabres bubbled up, but the carrier was already on the wormhole. It jumped the hole with its prop on. A clamor erupted on SYNDE comms as they awaited guidance about which cap, if any, should leave. The HAWKS rolling carrier burned untouched back to the hole on the other side. A SUGAR Moros Navy Issue, frustrated at the indecision, jumped anyway. Most of the time, that would have rolled the wormhole, trapping the Moros Navy and rolling carrier on the other side. Luckily for the HAWKS carrier, it was a high-mass hole. The wormhole went critical but did not close. The HAWKS rolling carrier jumped back.
The Moros Navy had extracted, but the remaining SUGAR caps were now sitting around the now-dead hole’s bookmark. Many began burning away and out of the bubbles from the SYNDE sabres who had tried to protect that hole. SYNDE FC Cyrus Kurush ordered his sabres to get off the hole and stop bubbling their dreads, and they did. Forgotten in the chaos and indecision, the HAWKS rolling carrier decloaked, aligned out, cycled prop and initiated wrap. It was immediately primaried by both dreads and the SYNDE CFI fleet. Chaotic calls to bubble the carrier were met with hesitation as those same sabres had only recently been told not to bubble. The carrier entered warp as the bubbles were deployed. The carrier pilot shared this video of the bold carrier roll and escape. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDgzA8J6j44&t
The carrier escape from a heavily bubbled grid marked the final turning point in the SYNDE extraction efforts. HAWKS sabres flooded the grid, tackling most of the SUGAR caps. After more fighting, the SYNDE coalition CFIs extracted from the grid, leaving the caps to their fate. As the caps began exploding and with the HAWKS fleet committed to their destruction, the SYNDE subcap fleet left via the new static.
The final totals for that fight were 48b lost by the HAWKS side, 144b lost by the SYNDE coalition side. https://br.evetools.org/b6633f295132a2a0012c77eb6
SUGAR had extracted 4 dreads, but at a heavy price.

Blue Balls and Explosions

With the clock ticking on the armor and hull timers of the SUGAR structures, SYNDE tried to reset in their C6 staging. Again, they pinged for their coalition to reassemble in that system. Again, they began rolling. That process continued for many hours.
The following day, on April 15^th, SYNDE would roll into the SUGAR home not once but twice. Both times, SYNDE only had a partial CFI fleet docked in their fortizar while the HAWKS side maintained a full Vulture fleet ready to undock on a moment’s notice. The HAWKS, HK and NOVAC leadership team knew that this was a critical moment in the campaign, and every effort was made to complete the SUGAR eviction.
SYNDE rolled into SUGAR’s home twice on April 15^th. And they immediately rolled the connection both times.
SYNDE lead Cyrus Kurush was personally scanning and rolling. He knew exactly what HAWKS had on hand, knew he could not contest for hole control, and just rolled the connection off quietly. Twice.
Cyrus Kurush knew that the integrity of his coalition required him to make every effort to save a key member’s home hole – but he was also very frustrated by SUGAR’s lack of readiness to defend their home. He had expected a lot more caps, more ships, more support. He felt he had beaten the HAWKS fleet in that large initial brawl, and had been let down by SUGAR. He did not want to risk sacrificing another major loss for a group that could not stand on their own two feet.

The Initiative to Regain the Initiative

The SUGAR Fortizar hull timers were on Tuesday, April 16^th.
A key early-war HAWKS ally, a small EUTZ pvp group called Czarna-Kompania, had infiltrated two dreads overnight. Two other groups had brought in one each. That dread force would give HAWKS the flexibility of hitting concurrent hull timers. There were multiple structures that needed to get hit over a two hour period. The dreads would let the HAWKS side bash those citadels while also keeping their subcap fleet free to fight for and maintain hole control if at all possible.
Hours before those timers, disaster struck the HAWKS effort. An A009 wormhole connection popped into the SUGAR home.
For an eviction, the worst possible wormhole connection is an A009 wormhole. It is a 16-hour frigate-sized wormhole that connects to a shattered wormhole that will also have a number of frig holes connecting outward to kspace systems. Frig holes cannot be rolled.
This meant that for the time leading up to the critical hull timers, there would be an unrollable hole into the eviction target, into SUGAR’s home.
By this time, it was clear to all involved parties that SYNDE had a close partnership with the Initiative. Although this was fraying some of the wormhole groups in the coalition, it still afforded SYNDE a chance to salvage the situation. SYNDE lead Cyrus Kurush formed an attack plan with Initiative leadership. During the hours immediately prior to the hull timers, SYNDE would assemble a heavy fleet in their staging, and rage roll for the SUGAR home. The Initiative would form a full bomber fleet, and travel to the C13 shattered wormhole. The second that SYNDE rolled in, they would execute a lethal 3-pronged attack: the SYNDE fleet would explode into the SUGAR home, all remaining SUGAR capitals and subcapitals would undock, and the Initiative bomber fleet would jump the A009. They would time those 3 critical elements based on the location, strength and composition of the HAWKS fleet. It was a good plan. If they could connect those three prongs, they would have 3 times the number that HAWKS could muster. Pings went out and the fleets assembled. Init travelled with a 300 bomber fleet to the shattered hole. SYNDE began rage rolling. About 50 SUGAR pilots sat on logon screen and waited on SYNDE comms.
HAWKS was aware of all of the above. HAWKS, working closely with HK and NOVAC strategists, devised a counter for the two concerning prongs. The SYNDE rolling threat had two counters. Within the SYNDE staging, there was a small fleet of yachts and a seeded, cloaked rolling carrier. In the SUGAR home, another rolling carrier sat ready to suicide roll if needed. Should SYNDE warp their fleet from the fort to a new wormhole, HAWKS was prepared to simultaneously warp both carrier and yachts to that same hole. They were confident they could stop the majority of the SYNDE fleet from making it through the wormhole.
The real threat was the Initiative, and that damned frig hole. HAWKS placed three sniping fleets around the wormhole and dropped a massive number of anchorable bubbles around it. On the hole itself were a mixture of smartbombing battleships and suicide dictors, each orbiting patiently. When the report came of the 300 Initiative bombers entering the shattered hole on the other side, the HAWKS team was ready and waiting.
The Initiative FC team, with a scout already in SUGAR staging, saw all of this. War-seasoned FCs, there was no scenario where they were jumping their bombers into that future charnal house. Unless SYNDE could pull those fleets away from the hole, it was an impossible standoff. The HAWKS battlecruiser fleet could not jump the hole. The Initiative bombers would not jump the hole. The Initiative bombers sat there and waited for SYNDE to roll in.
Meanwhile, in SUGAR staging, citadels came out of reinforce for hull timers and the allied dreads went to work. And everyone else waited. The SYNDE fleet waited on their fort while their FC rage rolled. The Initiative fleet waited in the shattered. The HAWKS alliance fleet waited on the other side of the shattered. One by one, the citadels began blowing up.
The SYNDE fleet stood down. The Initiative left the shattered wormhole and headed back to Fountain. SYNDE had gotten the full Nullsec batphone allied response, but been unable to take advantage of it.
Unconfirmable reports are that the HAWKS alliance looted nearly 200b from the various structures, including a large number of capital ships, on top of the 150b+ exploded. https://br.evetools.org/b661f2a2eddb48200112d82c5 (The three “friendly” caps that were destroyed were looted SUGAR caps that the allies decided to blow up rather than keep and exfiltrate from the hole.)
Some SUGAR members would still try to participate, but SUGAR was done as a fighting unit in the Wormhole War.
The next part will focus on what would become the most important battlefield in the either war – Waffle House, the SYNDE coalition staging C6.

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Dota 2 collector's cache I & II 2020

Set	Hero	Price
Claszureme Incursion (Very Rare)	Faceless Void	70$ (sold out)
Steward of the Forbidden Chamber (Rare)	Templar Assassin	30$
Apocalypse Unbound	Ancient Apparition	12$
Fury of the Righteous Storm	Disruptor	6$
Signs of the Allfather	Nature's Prophet	15$
Lineage of the Stormlords	Juggernaut	40$
The King Of Thieves	Keeper of the Light	10$
Wrath of the Fallen	Doom	15$
Horror from the Deep	Tidehunter	25$
Talons of the Endless Storm	Chaos Knight	18$
Blaze of Oblivion	Phoenix	8$
Carousal of the Mystic Masquerade	Rubick	8$
Evolution of the Infinite	Enigma	8$
Clearcut Cavalier	Timbersaw	8$
Blacksail Cannoneer	Sniper	8$
Crown of Calaphas	Shadow demon	18$
Secrets of the Celestial	Skywrath mage	8$
Beast of the Crimson Ring	Bristleback	12$
Ire of the Ancient Gaoler (U)	Arc Warden	30$
Master of the Searing Path (U)	Ember Spirit	30$

Aghanim's 2021 Collector's Cache

Set	Hero	Price
Perception of the First Light	Dawnbreaker	18$
Forgotten Fate	Mars	10$
Perils of the Red Banks	Chen	12$
Stranger in the Wandering Isles (Unbundled)	Drow Ranger	50$
Pyrexae Polymorph Perfected ( Rare )	Ogre Magi	35$

Nemestice Collector's Cache 2021

Set	Hero	Price
Twilight Hex	Dark Willow	15$
Litany of the Damned	Doom	15$
Caerulean Star	Enchantress	8$
Eyriebound Imperator	Skywrath Mage	20$
Anthozoan Assault	Tiny	25$
Defender of the Brumal Crest	Winter Wyvern	15$
Indomitable Legacy ( Rare )	Sven	55$ (SOLD) Buyer

Diretide 2022 Collector's Cache I

Set	Hero	Price
Shadowleaf Insurgent	Hoodwink	$15
Scarlet Subversion	Riki	$15
Whippersnapper	Snapfire	$10
Hounds of Obsession	Chen	$10
Seadog's Stash	Clockwork	$10
Starlorn Adjudicator	Dawnbreaker	$15
Spoils of the Shadowveil	Spectre	$15
Trophies of the Hallowed Hunt	Ursa	$10
Crimson Dawn	Phoenix	$10
Forgotten Station	Terrorblade	$15
Dirge Amplifier	Undying	$15
Champion of the Fire Lotus	Monkey King	$10
Deathstitch Shaman	Witch Doctor	$10
Blue Horizons ( Rare )	Marci	$30
Angel of Vex ( Rare )	Invoker	$35
Dark Behemoth ( Very Rare )	Primal Beast	$50

Diretide 2022 Collector's Cache II

Set	Hero	Price
Transcendent Path	Oracle	$15
Darkfeather Factioneer	Phantom Assassin	$10
Freeboot Fortunes	Ogre Magi	$10

39F, 165lbs, US.
We experienced a missed miscarriage last week. We went in for our 12 week scan at 12w4d, and discovered the baby had stopped growing at 10w3d and there was no longer a heartbeat. This was my first pregnancy, and we had used donor egg IVF to achieve it due to my diagnosis of primary ovarian failure. Our donor was 25, husband is 38, and the embryo was untested, though we had done genetic testing on both the donor and my husband to ensure no genetic issues.
I am aware (and my OB emphasized) that this was most likely a chromosomal abnormality incompatible with life, and that I should not blame myself, blah blah. But because of the events of that week, I can't help but wonder. No testing was performed on the POC that I'm aware of, so I realize we will likely never know, but I wanted to ask some questions in hopes that IF it was somehow my fault, I can hopefully prevent this next time.
At just about 9 weeks, I started to taper off of Cymbalta 60mg, as it wasn't helping, so my OB prescribed me 30mg and I started a taper. Around the same time, my nausea started to let up. Toward the end of that week, my husband and I started a 4 day cycling trip of 120 miles, which was more than I had biked recently but not sufficiently so that it was very difficult for me, and we finished this the day I was 10w3d. At 10w2d we got massages, hot stone. I don't recall the massage going over my belly at all, but it was quite hard on my back (but felt amazing after all the biking).
The confluence of things that happened that week, and the timing of it, makes me wonder if something went wrong because of that. I was starting to feel brain zaps from the taper in week 10, and I've heard week 10 is important for brain development, could the Cymbalta taper have done something? Or the massage?
I realize it's likely that it was already happening since my nausea had already started to decline, but that was a week earlier, so wouldn't the baby have stopped growing then, instead? Our IVF clinic doctor also said that usually when the embryo is aneuploid, they see poor growth from the beginning. Our confirmation scan at 6w measured 5w5d (within the error, she said), but at our scan at 8w5d, they were right on track and HR was strong. That, combined with our donor's age, makes it hard for me to believe that it was just an abnormality, and I can't help but think it was the Cymbalta withdrawal or massage or something else from that week.
I had a d&c on Friday, and have been very slow to recover. My BP was very low (80/40) following the procedure and remains a bit on the low side. Not sure if that helps at all.

Usually, when I start my stream (I usually stream to twitch and YouTube), my chat works completely normally. I use the Multistream chatbox and I see messages from Twitch and from Youtube, as expected. No worries there. Cool and good.
However, after a period of time (sometimes 2 minutes, sometimes multiple hours), my chatbox will just stop showing new messages. I think? it has stopped showing Twitch messages at some point, but YouTube messages are always the first ones to go. I'll notice that my chat has gone completely silent, and so I'll pull up my stream on a browser and there are still plenty of new chat messages, my chatbox just doesn't show them. So, instead of using the built in chatbox in streamlabs, I am left to use popout chats from my browser, which can be somewhat of a headache.
Things worth noting:

• When the chat fails to show messages, it seems to happen at completely random times. It's not like I change a bunch of stream settings mid-stream and then things stop working. Instead, messages stop updating at completely random times.
  
  • Last night, something new happened. After the messages stopped updating and I was using the browser popout chats for a while, the messages randomly began updating on streamlabs again. Again, this seemed to be completely random.
• My initial thought is that this was an internet issue (occasional disconnects was a problem with my old internet) but this issue has persisted on two completely separate networks.
  
• I don't think this was ever an issue until I started Multistreaming, but that is what I am doing from now on, so I do want a solution that works while multistreaming.
  

Fixes I have already tried:

• Restart streamlabs and restart computer
  
• Delete and reinstall streamlabs
  
• Remove my platform connections with streamlabs and then reconnect them
  
• Turn off and on hardware acceleration for streamlabs
  
• Log out and in to streamlabs
  

So, now I am still here every stream, just waiting for the moment that my chat messages stop showing up. Any and all help is appreciated. Thank you!

I took about 1.5 years off from seeking / sugaring, and I wasn’t ready to get back on but I decided I really want to find an SD (I have one but want another because why not, and I don’t get to see my current one often so I have the time) and these other sites I’m on just aren’t getting me what I want.
I’ve always had good luck on seeking but have been worried getting back on, given what I’ve read on here. I’ve gotten a lot of views and messages and to my surprise, I’ve found some guys who might be good potentials. I haven’t talked money with any of them yet but there’s about 3-4 I’m currently talking to that I seem to have a natural chemistry with and enjoy talking to, so I’m hopeful at least one will work out.
Something I noticed on seeking that’s different from before is that there’s way more guys in their 20s and 30s?? And before, I saw lots of “private” profiles - the ones where they have no public pic up but might have some private ones. I can’t seem to find these profiles in the search?
I also had a previous POT reach out, he saw my profile. I’d consider him a whale but don’t think he’s generous - he agreed to 3.5k allowance when we talked last (about 1.5-2 years ago) but now my expenses have increased and I have my own place so we’ll see. I’ve thought about him a lot since we last met and we are meeting this weekend. He’s one of the most interesting people I’ve met so I’m looking forward to meeting him again but I’m not looking just for a fun personality. If he doesn’t agree to a higher allowance, I’m thinking I might keep him around and find an additional person. If anyone has any suggestions on how I can persuade him to agree to a higher allowance, let me know. When we were negotiating in the past, I asked for 6k and he was shocked by that amount and said something about “the market”. Whatever, the market is what someone is willing to pay. If this doesn’t work out with him I’ll be a little bummed because I enjoy him but I don’t care that much
ETA: me and the previous pot didn’t officially enter an arrangement before, we talked about allowance but nothing ever really got started

On Sunday I got back from my first AP experience. I posted on here about it prior to leaving the country but thought I’d do recap on the whole experience.
I applied for employment reasons. My company is based in London UK, and I work out of a small NYC satellite office. The application was submitted in early January and approved in early April. I was gone from April 28 to May 12th.
I prepared my application myself and asked my work for supporting materials and to pay the fee which they agreed to. The supporting documents I used was a letter from my manager with the company letterhead explaining the purposes of the trip, email correspondences between him and our department head requesting the trip and having it approved, and an outline of the trip’s mission that he had to submit to finance to get it approved internally.
I asked for two weeks even though the trip would only be one work week so that I could do sight seeing and I also included France in the list of countries so I could go to Paris.
I talk about this in my original post, but as the trip was approaching and I hadn’t heard back my company was getting worried. I reached out to my senators and congresswoman for help. One of my senators got back to me and her office helped a lot. They basically got it approved within two weeks of me reaching out.
The letter gave me over a month of travel time, but I decided to stick to the two weeks I had planned. If I had known way in advance they’d give me more time I prob would have stayed an extra week.
Entering the UK was really easy I got asked if I was a permanent resident in the US, and said no not yet but I have a work permit, and that was about it. Lasted two minutes. After my work week I took the EuroStar to Paris and had no issues with customs. I decided to go back to London after a few days and fly out from there, thinking it would be safer since that was the main country in my AP application but probably would not have made a difference. Leaving Paris was weird, I had to go through two customs, one for leaving France/EU and one for entering the UK. Again no issues with the UK one, but the EU Customs person was very suspect of me. Demanded to see my work permit, and called out the fact that it said not valid for re-entry. I explained I had AP and that it was in my luggage. He made me take my baseball cap off to verify I was the person in the photo, and I after he stamped my passport he just stared at it for 20 seconds before giving it back. Really weird considering I was LEAVING not entering the EU.
I was really nervous coming back to the US. I kept thinking I was gonna get in trouble for going to Paris even though I listed France in the countries section of my application. I got to the airport three plus hours before boarding to check in. The check in was a little long because they rarely deal with AP but everyone at the airline was super nice and I didn’t get push back, just a lot of people double checking with their superiors that the document was legit. When I landed at JFK the process was super smooth. I waited in the non us passport line and when it was my turn I gave the customs person my passport, AP letter, and EAD, she did some things on her end and after a few minutes said I had to go to the back room for someone to processes it. Luckily the room was empty, so it took the guy there like less than five minutes. Neither of them asked me any questions. They seemed to just know what to do.
Overall, I’m so shocked and grateful by how smoothly everything went. I can’t believe I got to go to two foreign countries. Like little old me, just a humble DACA kid, saw Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, the Mona Lisa and the Eiffel Tower. Feels surreal. If anyone needs any assistance with AP, feel encouraged to reach out. This subreddit helped me so much and alleviated so much of my stress and anxiety, and I want to contribute to that and help others if I can.
Biggest feedback I can give: You do not need a lawyer, use your congresspeople as a resource if you need to, and most importantly, enjoy your trip! You deserve it!

I can't do i, I just can't.
It all started with me being overweight (71,6 kg) and my parents convincing me to go to a dietician. It worked until I couldn't do it anymore (at this point I was 64,7 kg after ~7 months) and told them that I wanted to take a break from it for the summer. Well turns out I just used those months to binge over and over again until I gained back 3kg and begged my parents to let me continue my diet.
They let me and I start to loose weight(it's important to say that I've always had low self esteem and I've always believed to be below average in terms of looks even more so when I was overweight) but I couldn't shake my mind off the continuous thoughts I had on food, so I started to binge and purge a few times a week (tried it before too but couldn't manage to make me vomit so I just sticked to the diet) and the weight remained the same so I was pretty damn happy to have found a way to eat whatever I wanted and to still be able to maintain my current weight (I was still "on a diet" so I had regular chek-ups that confirmed that I was still losing it).
At some point I added some laxatives to the mix ( my bowl movements were always a bit slow so it was no problem convincing both my mother and dietician to let me take them) and started to take them every night (the maximum dosage most of the time) also causing terrible stomach aches which make me literally sweat from the pain, but whatever as long as it helps me stay consistent.
3 weeks ago I again asked to interrupt my diet as my final exams are coming up and don't have the time to plan, buy and cook what I need to.
(Also I believe it's important to say that I tend to weight myself every day, multiple times, with two different scales, just to check.)
Now I'm here crying and hating myself because I checked and went up to 64,1 kg from 62,7 kg even tho I know that it's mostly because of the food that it's still in my intestines and I honetly don't know what to do; at some point I panicked and tried to vomit but nothing came out so I cried even more. Right now I'm debating whether I should eat dinner or not.
All of this just to say that I'm mentally exhausted, hate my body, hate the relationship I have with food, hate the somachaches but love the feeling of being lighter, hate my parents' comments regarding what I eat, hate the visceral fear I have of gaining more weight while still trying to stop myself from buying unhealthy food just to purge it, hate looking at myself in the mirror, hate the fact that I am too ashamed to ask for help cause my parents would just shame me for my lack of self-control, hate whatever I have that I don't even know how to call (binge eating disorder or early stages of anorexia since I also purge normal healthy meals, but not always).
Sorry for my incoherent rant but I can't do it anymore, I just want to have a good enough body and not this constant thoughts running rampant in my mind 24/7.

I have rented my current apartment for two years. My initial lease was one year and last year I signed a lease extension to extend it for another year. That lease ends this month. At the beginning of April, my landlord texted me and asked if I would be wanting to renew again, I texted her that I would love to and she said she would send me a lease extension and follow up with another text when she had. Several weeks went by and I never heard back. During that time I was laid off from my job and have been unable to find other work in the area forcing me to move. I texted her at the beginning of the month and let her know I would not be renewing as planned, that I had never received the extension, and I was laid off of work. I even sent her a copy of my termination letter but she is stating since the letter does not specifically say I was laid off she cannot accept it and that my text was a written commitment to renew and she will be holding me to another 12 month lease. What are my options? If that text was a binding commitment to renew why did she need a signed extension?

Hey everybody.
I finished my undergrad at a major Canadian university (UBC) this spring, and I'm hoping to pursue a life sciences PhD in the next 2 years. I got a life sciences major and stats minor in 3 years (tons of APs + didn't take a single summer off), but I totally fucked up my GPA (3.1) and my grades show somewhat of a progression till my very final semester which I screwed up pretty badly. I did get about a year of research experience in a plant biology lab where I primarily worked in bioinformatics (but got some wetlab experience as well), and my work will be published as a first-author paper in the next 1-2 years (certainly at least a preprint to show for it before PhD admissions).
Currently I'm in the process of finalizing an RA position at an academic lab at a reputable cancer institute and I'm looking at about a 2 year commitment there before I start my PhD in 2026. The PI seems to pretty great and mentorship-oriented, and I also believe I'll have an opportunity to publish there as well since I'll be working on my own project (the role isn't just assisting with others' work).
I just want advice on how I can salvage my terrible academic performance and put myself in a good position for PhD apps in ~2 years' time. I was really hoping to do my PhD at a T10 school but I feel that my undergrad grades put me at a severe disadvantage for grad admissions. Any tips on how to get in the right mindset, what to focus on during these two years, etc? Should I perhaps take more undergrad courses at a nearby school after graduating to raise my GPA?

I (18 F) and my boyfriend (19 M) have been dating for almost a year now, when we first started dating he was living with his toxic/abusive Mother, so do to some circumstances he's now living with me and my family
Recently he's been going out more to go smoke weed with his friends (let's call the two important friends Homer and hunter) normally I wouldn't mind this but I have an allergy to the smoke/smell of weed so when he comes home I tend to break out, nothing too bad but bad enough for it to be incredibly uncomfortable and irritating, he always tells me he uses it for pain or to help sleep, I try to be understanding but he does it so much I can't really handle it, I've tried asking him to try edibles instead as I don't have a reaction to them but he always says they don't do what he wants
It's so bad to the point that he'll run off to go smoke with Homer and hunter right after I have a mental breakdown or when I get really bad pain (this pain has made me end up in the hospital several times before) not only that but Hunter keeps randomly showing up on days that are supposed to be just me and my BF days (Since I'm in my last year of high-school and my bf works, we agreed Sunday's were just us days whenever my bf doesn't work) and My BF doesn't tell him to leave so Hunter and my BF will just sit there and chat (with the excuse Hunter is supposed to be looking for a job and needs our internet because his parents won't give him the password because he isn't looking for jobs) and normally take a bong hit leaving my BF high for me to deal with, when those are just because not because he 'needs' them
Boyfriend knows my past issues with weed because of my ex-boyfriend and I've tried talking to my boyfriend but it feels like weed is more important than our relationship at this point
So AIO for getting upset with him??

For my entire life, I have not experienced attraction. I didn't understand why everyone was so obsessed with sex. After being with my ex, who I was very attracted to aesthetically, and a variety of sexual experiences that left me feeling nothing, I figured I was just asexual.
Then I started Lo Loestrin for PMDD. I met my current partner shortly afterwards. Suddenly, after a few months with him, I was super into sex. I finally understood that magnetic sexual feeling that I had experienced 0 times up until the age of 27. I was also noticing a primal "attraction" to other men that felt like pheromones, and I was able to be more friendly-touchy with people.
Then, due to an insane barrage of health issues, I went off the pill, worried it was causing me to be angry after months of it working well for my PMDD. After 2 months off of it, my boyfriend suddenly lost his smell, and I felt 0 attraction to him. His face is still so cute, I love him to death, and he's deeply wonderful and supportive, but for 3 weeks now he hasn't smelled right, and I've been in a deep PMDD depression as well.
The point is, can birth control actually increase libido? Every single person I see says it kills it. And if so, what does that say about my hormone imbalance?

I’m in round 6 of interviewing with a company. For each round I’ve worked with my recruiter to ask what to expect/how to prepare for conversations (and to gather feedback). The recruiter has been great in providing that information for me so that I put my best foot forward. I’ve had 2 interviews with a VP, who I would not report to but would have to work with on occasion. Each time, this person has not asked questions not at all related to what the recruiter says the interview would be about. They’ve completely gone off script so I’m never prepared. It feels like they are intentionally trying to throw me off my game. It was funny haha the first time, now the 2nd time it’s just annoying. I think I’ve done okay but I can’t help but think it’s not a fair, equitable assessment. They’ve all been hypothetical, think on your feet, what would you do in this situation type questions. If you’ve been in this type of situation before, do you give that feedback to the recruiter or just let it go? Sucks.

Getting fired from the best job I’ve had all because gm doesn’t like my attitude.
Always wanted to know how to cook so instead of going to college I started cooking (regret this now). Started from fast food and worked my way up restaurants in my town till I got hired at the nicest place I’ve worked.
Was my 1st time have an executive chef, wearing a chef coat, brand new kitchen, great coworkers. Was amazing. Slowly went down hill, cracks started to appear, the chef was overworked and over stressed, some co workers turned against me etc, normal stuff.
Then the chef got fired, bunch of crew left, got a new chef and gm and new cooks.lot of things got scaled back since we were “too ambitious” and it turned almost into the same corporate kitchen I’ve spent a few years working in.
Anyways, that gm got fired after a month because the front of house didn’t like him and came up with some reason. New gm incoming.
She’s here, in her 1st week she got rid of bad employees and already did more than the last gm did in a month. Slowly start to realize she wants all her employees to be yesmen, I’m not that so I try to avoid talking to her and she seems to do the same. She has a lot of input for the kitchen despite not really knowing how to cook. (For example she asked me what gravy we make, told her how we make our pepper gravy without saying the words pepper gravy, she responded with we should replace it with pepper gravy.)
She also starts running expo but she really can’t keep up unless u hand her every plate in order and tell her which plate is which after they’re in the window (she kinda just hands servers plates)
Anyways the office has thin walls and I overhead them discussing firing me. My chef was saying they have to wait for me to be late, (I’ve been late 4 times in one year of working there, they just happen to be in the last 2 months.) but she kept mentioning how she can’t handle my attitude. I genuinely don’t try to give her one, but I’m the type of person that ask why after someone tells me something. I’ve heard it’s common in autistic individuals, which I am, and I do it purely because I wish to know the reasoning of basically everything, it’s just how I learn.
Anyways I’m kinda just ranting, if I show up tomorrow and I’m not fired, I honestly might try to piss her off and get fired to get unemployment ment while I find a new career.
Anyways, cheers!

Me (20) and my now ex-girlfriend (29) were together for a year (I was 19 and she was 28 when we met). We met due to studying the same course at university and we instantly hit it off. The start of our relationship was very intense. It felt perfect. We had an amazing connection, things seemed to flow so naturally, and things therefore moved very quickly. I even visited her home country and met her family after only a month of being together. We spent so much time together and we seemed perfect for each other. As a result, we both became very quickly attached to one another. Despite how perfect things were in the beginning, there were occasional glimpses of our own issues making their way into the relationship. For example, I started noticing small, sudden shifts in her moods and behaviour towards me. She was always so talkative, bubbly, and enthusiastic towards me, but there were a few instances during which she suddenly became more distant and silent, and her behaviour felt different than usual. This confused me, especially considering I didn’t know what the reason was. It left me guessing if there was perhaps a problem between us or if it was just a natural shift in her mood. Sometimes, it was due to her having a problem with me and other times it was just a natural fluctuation in her mood. However, I would always have to guess which one it was and as a result I started to become very aware of her moods and I felt like I had to start paying a lot of attention to the relationship to not accidentally upset or disappoint her in any way. When things were good between us, I rarely felt insecure, but when I suddenly started noticing shifts in her mood or behaviour towards me, I started to feel anxious and insecure.
To further elaborate, at times in the relationship, I found it difficult to read, predict, and understand her moods and her behaviour towards me: her behaviour felt inconsistent to me at times. One day she was super loving, talkative, and interested in me, and the next day it felt different. However, I didn't know if my feelings were justified or if I was simply overthinking and overanalysing her behaviour. Since she didn't tell me what was the matter even when I asked her, I was left confused and still guessing why there were these shifts in her mood.
She did tell me that she found it scary to trust others and, therefore, to be fully open with me. She told me that was why she would push me away sometimes, meaning that my feelings were not completely unjustified. She admitted herself that she could be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. She was also older than me and more the independent type, and didn't always need a lot of attention, which is also an explanation for her change in behaviour. However, I didn't know that at the beginning of the relationship.
There were times where it felt like I had to follow an exact script on how to act or what to say to not upset her. She would become upset at times, because she didn’t think I appreciated her or because I didn’t give her the reaction she had in her mind. When I didn't live up to these unspoken expectations, she became more distant and silent (or even slightly pasisve aggressive), like I mentioned before. She wanted me to naturally know what she wanted, since in her mind it was obvious and she didn’t feel like she was a hard person to to read, but it wasn't obvious to me. This didn’t happen too often, but it still had an effect on me.
To give an example of how she could deal with these unspoken expectations, there was an instance when we did grocery shopping together. I paid for it at the time, but she told me to send her a payment request for half of it and when I did so a few days later, I immediately noticed a slight change in her energy towards me. When I questioned her about this, she told me that there was nothing wrong, but when I came round her place later that day. she was extremely cold and unaffectionate towards me. Her reaction was like I had cheated on her. I wasn't allowed to sit or be close to her, she was visibly upset, she wouldn't talk to me, and I had to sleep on the opposite side of the bed. I even mentioned if me sending her a payment request was an issue, but she told me that it was fine since she had told me that I could send her one. The next day she was hot and cold towards me, going from acting normally towards me to cold and distant again. Only after I became very upset and questioned her about it again did she tell me that the reason she was acting that way was because she wanted me to offer to pay for the groceries. She had paid for the groceries last time, so she wanted me to pay for them this time (I would have had no problem at all with paying, but since she told me to send her a payment request, I did). She told me that she became upset when I hadn't offered to do so naturally, which caused her to feel like I didn't appreciate or care about her enough. This was the most extreme example from our relationship, though. However, this situation caused me to lose some trust in her and her words.
Her behaviour wasn't intentional. It seemed to be due to a mix of her character and the things she had gone through in her past. It seemed like it was more of a coping/protective mechanism for her. She was aware of this, but her awareness wasn't always enough for her to cope in a different way.
In the cases where I felt like there was a shift in her behaviour, mood, or energy, it left me guessing if there was anything wrong. I had learned to associate a change in her mood as there potentially being something wrong. I was just afraid of there being a problem between us and not knowing about it, like the payment request situation (and other situations).
At times, my insecurities, anxious attachment, and my resulting codependency from this relationship significantly affected her and put a strain on the relationship. For example, there could be absolutely nothing wrong and I would create a problem out of nowhere. I was dependent on her for my happiness and if there was even a slight bit of attention focused on someone else, it would bother me. Sometimes, this would make me overly needy and controlling. This frustrated and triggered her a lot, because she also wanted to give other people attention and felt suffocated by my unreasonable demands. This was also a reoccurring pattern in the relationship.
My fear of there being a problem between us which I might not know about, my fear of not being as important to her as she was to me, and therefore, my fear of losing her became too strong at times, which caused me to become insecure and worried. Especially the times where my insecurity and worry was unjustified affected her a lot. During those times, she felt like I was causing issues for no reason and she felt upset and frustrated that, despite her giving me lots of attention the days before, I would still need reassurance and interpret her behaviour as there being something wrong between us. This made her feel drained, annoyed, suffocated, and upset.
Her reactions tended to be quite defensive and dismissive towards me. I understand her reaction, because her feelings were completely justified, but she chose to respond in those ways to vent her frustration. She would tell me that I was annoying, way too needy, that I should stop overthinking her behaviour, and that I should work on my insecurities. She was correct though. During these moments, I would become very apologetic. I just wanted things to be good between us. There were also times I felt like I was taking responsibility for things I didn't feel responsible for, just to make sure things were okay. She wasn't completely wrong regarding what she was saying to me, but it was harsh. It was absolutely not my intention to cause a problem or to frustrate or annoy her, but because it seemed to affect her enough for her to become so defensive, I thought that my behaviour was unacceptable and blamed myself a lot. I also started feeling like my feelings were completely irrational and therefore I started doubting myself more.
Therefore, at times, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I was afraid of bringing up a situation in which I thought there was something wrong between us, because I was afraid of being wrong and her reactions tended to be quite defensive and dismissive. She also felt like she was walking on eggshells at times due to my tendency to overthink her behaviours. She didn’t want to cause a problem either, since even small shifts in her behaviour could worry me.
During the relationship, I could at times become jealous when I was insecure, for example when she spent time with her friends or family without me, either through texting or in real life. This would obviously frustrate her a lot and was one of the most difficult parts of the relationship for her, since she was just spending time with others and didn't see how that could be a cause of insecurity for me. I tended to be rational and calm when I was insecure or jealous, but there were occasional instances where that wasn't the case and I acted in a more passive aggressive or guilt-trippy manner. I am not usually a toxic person, but I did display some toxic behaviours at times during this relationship.
We both had past issues which we projected onto each other at times. The relationship was very intense and that meant there were also many highs and lows. We had a deep affection and care for one another and we both thought the relationship was too good to be true. For me, it felt too good to be true be in a relationship for the first time and to have a romantic experience with someone I cared so much about, because I had never experienced that before. For her, it felt too good to be true that I was so kind and caring to her, because she had never felt that before from anyone else to this extent. She had always felt let down by people before in her life and she couldn’t believe that I wasn't like them. We were both afraid of losing each other. For me, it was expressed by going above and beyond for her, a tendency to be more clingy and have a need for reassurance, wanting to always feel close and connected with her, and things like that. For her, it seemed like she could show a combination of becoming distant and pushing me away, but also becoming very vulnerable at times too and showing me lots of love and affection.
My ex told me a lot about her past trauma and how life had been quite difficult for her the past few years. Her grandmother had passed away a 6 years ago and during that time she lost her group of friends (which included her best friend) after a big conflict in which she felt unfairly treated. It seemed like she had had quite a few friendships in which she didn’t feel like her needs were being met and she tended te feel unfairly treated. It was a reoccurring theme in her life.
Her other grandmother passed away ahalf a year before we met. She didn’t really have many friendships to rely on either at that time, because she studied abroad and her friends and family were obviously not present to support her. She also struggled a lot with academic stress during our time together. She had failed a few exams and fell behind, which compounded her struggles, especially since she was still grieving the loss of her grandmother. Then, her family dog passed away very suddenly 10 months into our relationship. It felt like her dog passing away was the last drop that made the bucket overflow. She loved that dog so much and it really affected her. Her grief was very intense. These incidents played a massive role in her mood shifts, especially considering she is an emotionally sensitive person and her moods already seemed quite easily affected at times.
She wasn’t emotionally stable and her emotional regulation seemed to be lacking at times too, especially considering she was 29. I was 9 years younger than her and in general life situations, I felt like the more stable and mature person for most of the relationship. I didn’t always act that way during our conflicts, though, but in general life it seemed like I was more regulated and rational. I was also the one who tended to take on a more caretaker role in the relationship due to my codependency.
Her emotions could be intense and easily triggered by other people or life stressors. She tended to attribute her behaviour and reactions more on external factors, such as her past experiences or the bad things happening currently in her life. Of course, she did take responsibility too, but often after the fact. Initially, it always felt like the world was against her. She was often the one feeling the most hurt from her past friendships. It was hard to not feel bad for her.
As a result, during the last two months of the relationship (after her family dog passed away), her emotional instability reached its peak. It was like her world fell apart. Her moods were very up and down, and she had depressive episodes during which she broke down crying a lot. During that time, I was pretty much her only emotional support. I took care of her a lot during that period. Things became very draining for me. Towards the end, I had given everything I had for her and had put all of her needs above mine. I felt more like a parent than a boyfriend. During this difficult period, we started triggering each other more frequently. I was often worried about her well-being due to her not taking care of herself very well during this period. I was starting to find it very hard to be supportive since I had become emotionally numb around that point. I had nothing left in me anymore. When I mentioned to her that I felt drained, she would feel upset. She interpreted it as me saying that her emotions was too much and she felt invalidated. Granted, I could have worded it more clearly, but I definitely didn't say it how she interpreted it. Towards the end, my behaviour also became slightly passive aggressive and controlling/possessive at times (I told her once that it bothered me how much she was texting her friends and that I wished she would text them less), and I had made an insensitive comment. I mentioned to her that I had become slightly less attracted to her and that she had gained some weight. I had become a caretaker for her, she wasn’t really taking care of herself, and I felt like this relationship was very draining to be in, and as a result I found myself feeling slightly less attracted to her. This feeling really bothered me, because I didn't want to feel that way. I loved her and wanted to feel 100% attracted to her. I thought it would be best to simply be honest with her. However, I should have worded it differently, because it obviously hurt her a lot. I should have not made it about her attractiveness or weight. I did apologise a lot and tried to reassure her that I did still find her attractive, but the damage was already done. I meant well, but I was very naïve in thinking that bringing that up was not going to have an effect on her. That is a harsh lesson learned from my side. I still feel bad about it.
However, I also felt very unfairly treated by her during that last part of our relationship. I did so much for her during that period relationship, yet she still managed to interpret some of my behaviour as me not caring enough sometimes. She seemed to become upset more frequently about very small matters and at times it seemed like she was nit-picking problems or finding reasons to become upset at me. This resulted in her becoming distant and passive aggressive towards me. That was very frustrating and exhausting to deal with, especially when I was already starting to become emotionally drained. She would say things like “Sorry for existing then” or “I guess I’ll just stop that then” when I felt bothered by something. This was also due time her own struggles and her grief at the time, so I fully understand.
Towards the end, my needs were not getting met. I just wanted to help her through this immensely tough period and it was more important to me that her needs were met than mine. I just wanted to see her happy, because as long as she was happy, I was happy.
Overall, she was generally a very loving, funny, kind woman who obviously cared a lot for me. We created so many amazing memories together and I will never forget her or the relationship. At times, things would be absolutely perfect between us and it felt like a dream. The relationship wasn’t constantly negative. We shared periods of stability and there are many examples of times when we were able to communicate in a loving and healthy manner. We shared a real love and had an amazing connection with one another. We were together for a year so that obviously counts for something.
The relationship became unhealthy for both of us, especially towards the end. There were toxic behaviours from both sides rooted in our own issues. However, there were also periods of stability and calm. It wasn't always a constant rollercoaster. Looking back, I believe we we did share more good memories with each other than bad ones, but in the end the relationship seemed to reach a point beyond repair. She felt very drained by my constant overthinking, and my insecurity and jealousy. She felt like she had to constantly prove herself as a result, which upset her a lot. She already had her own struggles and it seemed like my insecurities became too much for her and that the relationship became too unhealthy and upsetting towards the end. This was my experience so it will undoubtedly be biased in some ways. However, it is still a valid experience and I have tried to acknowledge her side as well.

Heads up, this is more of a small rant but feel free to give your opinion on it. Also, this applies to a traditional 8 hour work day, not the exact 9 to 5 hours.
I continue to see “influencers” on TikTok (my first mistake I know) or other social medias talking down about 9 to 5 jobs like they are the absolute devil and the worst thing in the world. The video I just watched was this guy who was basically saying “why do people think 9 to 5s are normal? Work for 40 years to enjoy 10 years after??? I started working for myself and become financially free before 35! People called me crazy but if I can do it after being poor growing up anybody can!” And yes, he actually said that last part. To suggest 9 to 5 jobs are terrible for society and the people working them is mind blowing to me.
1) So many people decide to ditch the 9 to 5 and work for themself. Most of the time, that ends up involving considerably more time and effort than a traditional 9 to 5. Not to mention the loss of health coverage (in the US at least), paid time off, etc.
2) Why is this guy or others waiting until they retire to enjoy life? Can you not vacation, take weekend trips, relax during those 40 working years? I understand some people have 9 to 5s that don’t give PTO, but majority do. Every 9 to 5 I’ve had since I was 21 has given a minimum of 3 weeks PTO.
3) Structure is extremely important to life. A 9 to 5 gives that without really having to think about it. Some people really lack the ability to create structure for themselves. A 9 to 5 gives that life structure.
4) If people didn’t work 9 to 5, people like this guy wouldn’t be able to “be financially free at 35”. Want to eat? Sorry bud, those people working their 9 to 5 at the grocery quit to be a TikTok influencer, you now have to hunt your own food, herd your own cattle, and grow your own crops. Oh shit, you broke your leg? Well, sorry bud, that doctor decided to stop being a doctor because he didn’t want to be a 9 to 5 loser so your leg is going to get infected. You may lose your leg or die. Good luck!
5) Stability. Having a 9 to 5 ensures you will get a check, have paid time off, health benefits, etc.
Maybe I’m just brain washed, but I’ve lived that “fuck working for someone, let’s grind” and had my own business. It sucks. Hours suck, work dedication sucks, unpredictability sucks. Sleepless nights fixing issues, canceling trips, big business expenses. You name it.
Other people who have worked both a 9 to 5 as well as worked for yourself, what are your thoughts?
Sorry for the rant y’all