Want oxycontin

ive been an addict for about 10 years, maybe longer. i've been addicted to xanax, fentanyl, percocet, oxycontin, lsd, heroin, and meth. the worst of my addiction i think has been fentanyl and xanax. i've been through rehab, and do i usually do good for a while when im out, but the second im offered something i give in and i immediately spiral. i've been at the point where i was taking at least 40+ xanax a day and snorting at least 4 grams (maybe more) of fentanyl a day. i'm 21 years old and don't want to throw my entire life away because of drugs. i want to be clean so bad. any advice will help

Idk how to articulate it but basically, I don't feel things until it's extreme. For instance, if I feel like I'm not getting enough from my partner, I don't feel that actual feeling until it's to the extreme. Then I explode saying a bunch of things I could have said a week or 2 ago. I could have communicated that I was feeling neglected IF I COULD HAVE FELT THAT THEN. But I wasn't. I was living my life on robot mode, auto pilot activated. Some back story, my fiance is a wonderful person, who treats me like a princess. A strong contrast from my ex, who was an alcoholic and addicted to oxycontin. That dude was awful to me, for 8 years. My fiance is in the army so he is gone a lot. Right now he's at drill school and I am nothing but supportive to him. I try to stay quiet and just be his rock but I need a little extra reassurance and he's always busy. I'm not the type of woman who seeks attention from other men. I only want him and his attention. I moved here for him and I have literally no friends. That's not an exaggeration. I have no community here. No support, no family, nothing and nobody. He is all I have. Of course I know that having friends would help me emotionally but I have no idea how to make friends as a 31 year old woman. Long story short, it's not that I'm necessarily being emotionally neglected. We talk every single day and he is doing the most he can with the small bits of extra time he has as far as being there for me goes but I am so unbelievably lonely. I feel like I've been lonely my whole entire life and had disappointment after disappointment so it's difficult for me to ask for what I need or put myself out there to try and make friends. I'm working on it but it's hard for me because I feel unworthy, I don't trust people, and I'm full of shame. So I walk around, empty. I'm alone and empty. I don't know who I am. Obviously having him home makes 90% of my problems go away but I hate that I'm so emotionally reliable on him and I know I need community and friends but idk where to start.

So, my mother had a genetic disease. She was in and out of the hospital and eventually when I was 16, she had a double lung transplant at Stanford. Now without going into too much detail this should illustrate that her disease trajectory was serious. It took all of the focus of the family. Luckily for me, my grandparents were very wholesome and supportive. But, my step-dad and my mother would accuse me of faking literally any time I was ill. My half brother was always treated with attention, love, & respect. The double standards were incredibly blatant.
Because of my mom's disease, I was born very premature. This left me with different GI issues and I also had a myriad amount of allergies to start with. My brother was born overweight because by that pregnancy, they put my mom on something to prevent premature birth. He broke her ribs being born (people with this disease usually cannot concieve or have children), after which time she became addicted to prescription opiates at the height of oxycontin madness in the 00s.
Then at 14, I got assaulted by our next door neighbor. We stayed next door to them another 7 years, but they pulled me out of school & began homeschooling me too to make me the fulltime housekeeper and caregiver as my mother got sicker from her disease. Naturally I had to homeschool myself, but I managed to do an early college program and graduated HS early.
At 14, They put me on every psych med known at the time & made me a vegetable-slave. It gave me seizures eventually. I think they liked not dealing with me directly by making me sedated. The year after it all happened, I cut my arm open as hard as possible with an exacto knife & needed to have it fixed up in the hospital. They reacted with fury and "Oh, thats just great! Look what you are making us deal with!!". No sympathy or worry. Back to my advanced early access college class the next day. They made fun of me at home about it, and also for being vegan at 14, putting down how emaciated I was constantly. Every pain and illness was me "exaggerating" or "faking". "Why are you always trying to get attention?". Then my mom had her lung transplant.
... The stress of her transplant when I turned 16 and of having to live near a psycho rapist for almost a decade (who then ran over my emotional support animal on purpose) furthered my suicidality & made me develop severe OCD, exercise addiction, & ARFID. I began to have bad GI issues. 6 years into that living hell, I was hit by a drunk driver. I had to be resuscitated. Broke all my pelvis to bits and all my left ribs. Also had an incredible Near Death Experience complete with light tunnel and endless infinite healing Love. I asked to return to Earth if only to share this with others. (That post is for another thread altogether though).
A day later, my parents show up and say "Hey, so, we booked this vacation in Santa Cruz months ago so we kinda need to go. Sorry". & they went on freaking vacation while I was told I might never walk again & only came back once I was discharged. Once out of the hospital, my mom filled all my prescription pain meds and took them herself. In addition, they wouldn't bring me any food except to make me a veggie dog (vegan) twice in a whole week. I relied on a pain salve to get through all the broken bones and damage to my organs for 10 months. When my grandmother found out I was left alone and starving 2 weeks after discharge from the hospital,, she brought me to her house and she & my dear Papa nursed me back to health (Grama was a real nurse as a profession, too). They were kind and loving and made me want to live again.
I went back home and then got poisoned by a flea bomb getting into my food in my room, again from my parents, causing grand mal seizures & vomiting so hard for 12 hrs my pyloris in my stomach collapsed. This was far worse and more painful than the car accident. I would not wish it upon anyone. I begged my step-dad to take me to the hospital, but he started screaming at me that I was faking. I got down to 87 lbs. It took 6 years to recover and rehab my GI to avoid the constant looming of resectioning my bowels. I thought I was going to die. But that year I was initially poisoned, Mom died. I began therapy, and little by little regained my life. I had a son, & learned what it was to love and be a parent, too.
My parents for most of my life would just yell at me that everything about my health was fabrication. My mom would call me psychosomatic all the time, even when i was 95 lbs or less. Reverse munchausens? Severe neglect? Emo-abuse? Not even sure what to call it. Maybe you can tell me from this description of hellish experience.
A lot of my mother's neglect and treatment of me was due to her addiction combined with the very torturous throes of her disease. My step-dad tbh was just not very bright whatsoever and simply could never handle stress anyway. Before you think my mother was just a monster, let me tell you she was also my hero. She was beautiful and charismatic and helped others with her disease. Before she got very ill, we had amazing times together. She was kind and supportive when I was a kid & I had an amazing early childhood with both my parents. She graduated Magna Cum Laude in speech pathology & was a classical pianist. She became a speech therapist and worked in schools right up to her death. She was my inspiration. But not my rock. She needed me all the time. She told me I would never be normal or succeed in life. On her deathbed, she asked me if Jesus would forgive her. Strange, because she was Buddhist. I told her that during my NDE from the car accident I learned one thing- All suffering has an end. Everything Is Going To Be Alright, in all times and all places. There is endless ceaseless boundless love and you are valued no matter what. She was able to pass in peace in her sleep after this.
I forgive my parents. But the trauma & neglect I endured left me always feeling fraudulent with illness, disability, and capabilities. I have been permanently disabled and live in fear of everyone not believing me in spite of 20 years having past. I don't know exactly how to label what happened to me, but I have a lot of empathy for others due to this experience.
To this day, I make pain salve strong enough for broken bones inspired by the one that I used for my car accident. I never got on opiates from the accident or even had to touch them, & I learned to take my pain into my own hands. I am grateful. Please dm me if you'd ever want info on this. One of the few things that gives me joy in life is ameliorating in some small way the suffering in others.
Has anyone else experienced a constant shunning of personal illness due to an overshadowing illness in the nuclear family (or even extended fam?)

I just need somewhere to vent because 2024 has been giving me the finger from the start. I keep telling myself that I’m gainfully employed, have a roof over my head, and family that love me and that’s a ton and should be enough, but this year has felt like trial by fire. I actually have a flipping list going of everything that’s happened, because after the first few things it feels somewhat comical. So here goes—

• Gets strep throat first week back to work after the holidays. Out of work for three days, then three more people at my work get strep and blame me even though I didn’t go in while contagious. And no, I don’t have a habit of partying too hard or licking things I shouldn’t.
  
• Two weeks later I start passing my first kidney stone big enough to really hurt. I spent 7 hours waiting to be seen and they were too swamped to break it up. Apparently it was borderline for needing it done, so they sent me home with OxyContin and ondansetron for the nausea from the oxy. It took four very nauseous, painful days to finally pass it.
  
• about three weeks after that, I get Covid for the second time, and I missed 7 days of work due to a negative testing to return policy. This infection also set off my migraines and occipital neuralgia leaving me in near constant pain for the rest of the month, even with medication
  
• Oh, and I’ve now developed progressively more severe acne without a hormonal component at 29 that won’t respond to any topical or course of antibiotics so I start taking accutane and start feeling geriatric from the side effects and look terrible.
  
• two weeks later, it’s been a week since I’ve heard from my grandfather who lives across the country and is estranged from the rest of my family. He’d been in the hospital for pneumonia and was just about to get discharged when we last spoke. Can’t get through to him either. I finally call the hospital and it turns out he had a severe afib episode and they had to put in a pacemaker and gave him too much contrast which damaged his kidneys and necessitated dialysis, which he wasn’t tolerating well. They decided he was completely incoherent due to fluid and waste retention and ignored him when he asked them to call me.
  
• later that week grandpa gets worse, and I need to start making medical decisions for him. He has to be medflighted out of state because the rural hospital he was at can’t provide the care he needs. Said hospital then “loses” his wallet keys, ID, and clothing before sending him out of state.
  
• a few days later, I fly out there. He’s gotten leaps and bounds better and we start talking about rehab and moving him back to be closer to family. I spend all of my time there visiting with him as much as possible, coordinating next steps, and doing my damndest to track down his lost stuff only to be told that it was mistakenly thrown away.
  
• a week later, I’ve had to fly back home. I get a call from him around 9 PM annoyed that the other patient in his room is making a ton of noise and he can’t sleep. I call the nurses station to see if they can get him some earplugs. He dies of cardiac arrest two hours later.
  
• Turns out grandpa died intestate and with no way for us to get copies of any IDs or anything. I have to get a lawyer in the state where he was living to start sorting that out and start trying to get Pestate executor status. He’d conveyed to me that he wanted to be cremated and interred at a veterans cemetery local to me, but we need my uncle to sign the paperwork. He puts up a fight over the cost until I tell him that him and my mother are legally entitled to a 50/50 split over whatever funds are left in the estate anyways.
  
• last week we get his cremains—including his pacemaker—which was a single lead pacemaker. Single lead pacemakers aren’t generally recommended for afib patients as they can cause pacemaker syndrome which can lead to kidney failure. That likely contributed to his death 🙃
  
• Later that week I start getting the worst acne breakout of my life, and I’m thinking it’s due to purging from the accutane. It progressively gets worse to the point that I can’t even look in the mirror without tearing up or go out in public, but I figure I may be being dramatic and will bring it up at my dermatology appointment on Monday
  
• Monday comes around and it turns out I’ve developed a severe, rare, and disfiguring form of nodulocystic acne called acne conglobata. I guess it’s often due to Staph bacteria overgrowth, and inflammation. So now I’m off the accutane for a week and taking prednisone and another antibiotic—but it could always come back again when I re-start the accutane, and my acne is likely to continue its prior course if I stay off the accutane anyways.
  

I just needed to get all this off my chest. It’s been a really rough 5 months.

I wrote this in another post somewhere, so there may be some grammatical & compositional inconsistencies. However, the point is the same. I hope this helps you, random stranger.
"Well. Its a long one. I'm going to distill it as best as I can. PLEASE read all of it, or it won't have the intent behind it.
I began around 13-14, sneaking a smoke a weekend anytime my cousin would come hang out. We stole them from my dad who was a life long smoker. Marlboro Menthol. Nasty. It didn't become habit or regular until my first real job at a KFC when I was 17-18. Then I would have elder employee-friends buy them for me.
Over time, it graduated into full blown smoker. Pack a day of Camel Wides at the regular. Over time and lots of life trials & tribulations, it graduated to a pack and a half everyday. Well, I wanted to quit at different times for different reasons. Eventually, I switched to vaping. Being the social denigrate I am, it graduated further to the pack and a half of wides habit, plus vaping at times I couldnot smoke. At my worst, I was using refillable vapes, about 5mg nicotine formulations at 100ml bottle. One bottle would last two days, and cigarettes were a pack and a half still of camel wides. Sometimes newports.
I felt like total & complete dogshit. Mind you, through all of this, I changed trades to diesel mechanic, was and am still an active martial artist, musician, lost many MANY close friends and relatives, had a difficult upbringing with the LDS church and its abuse, dysfunctional home as a child, with parents divorcing and mom marrying a very dangerous violent convict with substance abuse & mental issues. Both parents are smokers. Dad had horrendous heart & spinal issues. Also, building a relationship with my best friend (now wife). We have been together for 16 years, married 10. We are 34 & 33.
Life was a mess. We move away from the nightmare. Here comes covid and lockdowns. I got sick with something that wasn't covid. I felt like shit and had enough. Our anniversary is halloween, I quit cold turkey that day, (that was 911 days ago. 2.5 years, no nicotine. I hid my withdrawls through my illness.)
Then, we move into our own home in a wonderful town. Kid gets old enough for school and we send her to her first day. Life is looking up! Then I get the call that my dad had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and was dying. My dad is my other best homie for life, we were the definition of close as far as parent/kid goes. I quit my job, pack all my shit, leave the kid & wife and head home to be with him 1000 miles away for his final days. He is still smoking at this point....its one of the activities we shared together anytime we could as adults. Its just what we did along with everything else. His dad, my grandpa, died of a sudden heart attack from being a smoker. So, this is a genetic & familial issue & learned behavior.
I wanted a cigarette so fucking badly. It had been 11 months nicotine free at this point, minus inadvertent situational second hand I couldn't control at times. I knew it would be my last window of opportunity to share the experience we had, with the cigs to match. Never had I felt the pull of addiction, even after breaking half my body and becoming temporarily dependent on morphine & Oxycontin during recovery. During the hourly vomiting, the hourly morphine doses, sleepless nights for 2 months, his pain and suffering, his mind breaking down, degrading, all of it just breaking me down mentally and emotionally, my dad...my #1 dude....wasting away and starving to death.....his relentless tears and sadness of what he was doing to his boy, his pride and joy.....underneath it all, was the pull. The cigarette. The motherfucker that only helped this insufferable hell I call reality. I could have just one, and it would help soooooooooo much.
I never gave in. I didn't smoke. Not one, not once. Not a puff, dip, drag, pull, none of it. Dad never offered, and he vocalized, while he could, how proud he was and how grateful. I would pick them up, hold them, smell the unlit deliciousness of what could be. Then I would put it away or give it to someone who did smoke.
Through all this, I realized something important. My drive to smoke, was through identity. It was part of my identity, part of everyone I loved and everything I knew. It was my go-to for stress relief, for praise, for celebration, part of anything good bad & indifferent. It was useless otherwise. It was the never-ending gnaw of my inability to take personal accountability & responsibility for my life and myself. I quickly realized when my dad died, and I had to clean up what he left behind, that I smoked because I was running from the feelings I couldn't process and sit in.
the following year, I spent sitting in the totality of my life. my misery. my agony. My sorrow and my disdain for life, absolutely refusing to make the mistakes that got me feeling this way. Refusing to give in to all of the things that made my happy life, shit. Because, as I began to heal, I began to see that I have so much to live for. I finally began to see everything my dad told me, tried to teach me, and tried to prepare me for. All of the years of his heart issues, blood clots, hospital visits, near deaths from heart attacks, car crashes, all the things he withstood, was for something greater than what either of us could humanly portray.
The point of my long and arduous story here, is that you have the power to give it up. To heal from the things that drove you to smoke in the first place. You have every means and ability to succeed. And, if you can say no to just one cigarette or vape toke, or dip, or patch, or gum, or whatever.....you can say no to all of them. The more you say no, the better you will feel and happier you will be. You have every reason to believe in yourself stranger. If I can do it, so can you. Love yourself enough to find the way that works best for you to say no and empower yourself, not the nicotine."

You know the reason why i am here also you know the reason why you are here.Lets see a story of an addicted dude who became a man is long but it is worth it believe me.
I was an only child, the nerdy kid growing up, and didn’t really feel as if I fit in with anyone specific group of people. I wanted to be accepted, so I started hanging out with the cool kids and partying. It just kind of took off from there. It went from an occasional thing to every chance kinda thing. I went from smoking weed, to smoking weed and drinking, to doing anything I could get my hands on. I found freedom in getting high and for the first time in my life, I was comfortable.
​
As things progressed with time, I became addicted and fell in love with opiates. I started using Oxycontin in 2009 which eventually led to me using heroin. My addiction to heroin took priority over everything I did in life. I died a total of 15 times due to drug overdose. One would think that overdosing time and time again would give someone the desire to get clean. In reality, I wanted to die. I absolutely hated the person that I had become as a result of my addiction to drugs and alcohol.
I’ve been arrested numerous times for multiple DUIs, shoplifting, petit larceny, possession, driving on revoked for DUI, and harboring a fugitive from justice. I was on a total path of destruction. I have been in a total of 7 treatment programs and multiple detox centers. Trying over and over to put my life back together.
In April of 2019, I went back to jail on a home confinement violation because I was getting high in another program and I was just tired. For the first time in my life, I felt completely defeated. So, when I went in in April, I surrendered and turned to God for help. I was ready for a different direction in life and was tired of doing the same thing over and over. I was tired of hurting people, hurting family, and not being able to be a dad because addiction ran my life. I decided at that point that if I was given another opportunity to try to put my life back together that I was going to take it and run with it.
I did about 130 days in jail and was given yet another opportunity to change my life. I entered a long term treatment program with Recovery Point and began my journey in changing my life. Today I have over 9 months completely substance-free. Everything changed for me this time around, I had the gift of desperation and was willing to do whatever was asked of me in order to achieve long term sobriety. I remember laying in jail, praying for God to help me, and absolutely willing to do whatever it took for a new direction in life. Instead of viewing it as a consequence, I viewed it as an opportunity.
TODAY: I have been given my life back. I am rebuilding relationships with my family. I am rebuilding trust. I am able to be a dad today and a positive influence in my son’s life. I continue to work towards cleaning up the wreckage of my past. I’m a Recovery Coach and can be a point of light in a world of darkness and watch others transform as they find their purpose in life.
There is a way out. It is not easy, but at the end of the day, it is worth it. There is a lot more to living life than to get up and to worry about putting the next one in you. No matter what, at the end of the day, the reality is still there. It is something that you have to face. It is just a matter of trying to reach out for help and get guidance on how to face it. There is freedom in the fact that you can wake up every day with a clear conscience that you did not deliberately harm somebody the day before for selfish benefit. Today, I strive to be a light of hope and have the ability to share my own personal experience with others in hopes of leading others towards a better way of life.
If there is need and passion we could end every addiction that exists lets keep this story in our minds and start live the way we wanted to live good luck in our new no fap journey.

Hi guys, i may wrote to all of you, just to have a little bit of help and motivation, and encourage someone others to do it toghether. I'm 24, i developed an a addiction to meds from when i was 18, starting with cough syrup ( like diidrocodeine, codeine ) xanax, all type of benzo heavy smoker ( joints ), did cocaine, extasy, mdma, truffles, but yo i find a pure love on meds. Those xans, and and lean wasn't no more so i started with percs and then oxy and i found the holy grail of pure bliss.. it may ended up bad because i pure fentanyl medication ( not fake fent, all that pharma grade, im not in USA ) but i used only to get knocked out, anyway i was a heavy addicted on oxycontin.. that cold bless that gave was more than other things i could ever feel, but it doesnt stay longer i developed a very bad drugs abit i never IV or nothing, but i had friend that did. In the past i could do like 300 or more mg of oxy and not even catch a full nod, using benzo at same time, luckily i never od i may think its because i was a very huge addict with high tolerancs and all that shit was pharma grade, after few years like 2 years ago i was like that, i finded a gf then i decided to move to rehab, but i constantly feel like i wasnt on nothing ( my mind always searched for that boost of dopamine that oxy gaved me ) but at some time it gets better so i stay on methadone for a bit like 50/70 mg but that cause me going little bit insane like i was in an infinite cycle like a dog that bite his tail.. so relapse because wd was horrible, also my gf never was with me when i was going into wd she was like we need to hang out and do things when i was sick asf, so okay im gonna to rehab clinic again, again methadone because i couldnt even work too.. se was pregnant so i decided to mantain me focus on good things and try to change, i was stable ( maybe not too much ) because at some points i was like a robot, i didnt feel this live no more, i didnt have no more feels, i was undetached from the world.. she is bipolar ( and she doesnt take nothing so imagine.. ) she only stole my xans or sipping on those syrup sometimes.. anyway i try to make story more close and short as possible, like 1 months ago she leaves me alone, its started up like she had 3/4 days where she was only outside with the baby till the night and me alone in house, crying like a baby didnt know whats going happen and i was like it hurts, i know im not perfect, but i was evrytime here for you, i did all for you, for our family, i was like i go versus all my family for making that baby ( no one wanted at starts because we were too young.. she's now 19 y.o, while the baby less than a 1 y.o ) but i gotta take my balls and do what was right, i everytime make her my 1st tought and making her a start, but loosing me.. she was a very toxic person ( talking not for drugs, but emotionally ) anyway after those 3/4 days she came at night with a girl that wasnt in her life from years, making me sleep on coutch, okay no problem. The day after evrythings disapperead, photo, status and all of that things, i dont care about social but strange.. i need to take out the world of her she wouldnt even say me nothing if i didnt talk to her.. anyway she left me because she told me to retake myself.. damn my entire world was like falling like 11 september... today i dont stay in that house by like 20 days or so, i see my baby often.. but im broken a part, sometimes i felt suicidal, sometimes i feel i can do all, but the more ones i think im a failure, im not proud to be here, i wish i could fix my mental state.. i know its all in my head, but its hard asf to go on. I quitted cold turkey from 8mg of subotex daily when i was lying in bed everyday thinking of her, thinking of my family i created. I never go outiside enjoy life, im lonely like no one. I dont have friends, i was having only her she was my all.. and in that time that she was saying to me she needs time, she was out spending my money like a fool ( i left her my credict card for all things, for baby and her too ) and not for the baby, to buy smokes, dinners, eat outside and i find her in the house with man too, and girls. Maybe they're friends or not i dont know, i literally dont know nothing no more, im literally lost, broken, but ey im clean now... wow i dont feel like is a win to me. It may because i have delusion of sobriety idk.. i changed for her, but now i know its more for me. I spend all day alone smoking cigarets taking xans when needed but i dont wanna take it ( even if is 1mg ). I dont snoke no more joint for now, but i want to smoke some. I would love to die with an o.d, making her know what she lost. Im literally clean and lost, i feel like those pieces of me will never be attached no more. Also i dont wanna her to comeback because she literally left me alone, and broken me in pieces. I just want someone to talk with, lucky me i have my granmother, mum.. but i miss my life i feel like standing in the beach waiting me to die in the sea. Sorry guys im broken

Throwaway account, because my husband logs in to most everything I access. 2024 has been one helluva shitty year so far. My husband got fired, got sued, got Shingles, and now has PHN (the lasting nerve pain 20% of shingles people get). He’s found a new job and the lawsuit was dropped, so all good, right? No. The pain is so bad that everything is out of whack. For a whlie he was handling the pain through non conventional means, which I won’t get into. Legal but not good stuff. He went to the ER, went to a dermatologist, and then to a pain doc. The last doc did a spine corticosteroid injection, which didn’t help, and gave him hydrocodone. When he went back, the doc gave him OxyContin and wants him to do two more spine injections a week apart. My husband can’t drive on the new med, and I don’t foresee him being able to work though he’s supposed to start a new job tomorrow. He sleeps off and on all day and you can tell he’s still in pain despite the meds. He’s already gotten a life insurance policy that would pay out even w suicide, but that wouldn’t kick in for two years. He’s mentioned how I need to find someone, even temporarily put up a post for a suitor on my FB page. I love this man with all my heart and want no one else, yet also feel like having this heads up I am already mourning him. I’m mourning the loss of our normality and him being him. Things haven’t been normal in months. I don’t know what to do. I respect his decision if he can’t live with the pain (it’s horrible knowing/watching him suffer) but I also can’t imagine how I will go on. I met him when I was 18; been with him over half my life. We have two teenage kids. If it weren’t for them I’d gladly join him. These past few months have put a very sour taste in my mouth towards living and dealing with all the bullshit; my rose colored glasses broke long ago. If you read all this, thank you. I have no one to talk to. I can’t let onto family how bad things are. They shouldn't have to worry too. I’m trying to suck it up, be brave, ignore thinking about it but it’s hard. I’ve cried more in the last 4 months than I think I have in my lifetime and I’ve dealt with trauma more than once before.

GS:
Nov 3, 2001
Subject: Help!
I am a 26-year-old male who had a vasectomy on April 13, 2001. After the procedure my penis swelled up to the size of a coke can and was black from the base to the head. My nut sack hung to my inner thighs, and my butt cheeks were bruised. My wife called the doctor the next day and told him what I looked like it told me that was normal and that I needed to go back to work on Monday. I did what the doctor told me and my work sent me home because I could not stand and I was in so much pain. I called the doctor again and he said that it was normal.
After a few weeks I went and seen a urologist against the wishes of the doctor (my Primary Care Physician who performed the vasectomy) and the urologist did exploratory surgery on me. He laid my sack wide open he removed a water sack and a bunch of other stuff. He treated me for about 3 months giving me every thing from Lortabs, to Percocet. He then told me it was time for me to go back to work, and that the moving around would get rid of the pain so I did what he said and I was in so much pain that my work sent me home again.
Both of the doctors I had seen up until this point were affiliated with the Baptist Health. My wife told me she wanted me to go see a doctor that was not affiliated with the Baptist Health System, and made me an appointment with a different urologist. When I went to this doctor he told me immediately that I had permanent nerve damage. He knew this from the ultrasound that the last urologist took just the week before. The first urologist had told me that nothing was wrong, and the second urologist came up with the conclusion that I had permanent nerve damage, and said there was nothing that he could do and sent me to a pain management doctor.
The pain management doctor has given me 3 spinal injections and a trial spinal cord stimulator put in me. Next, week a neurosurgeon will be putting a permanent spinal cord stimulator in my back from the #10 to the #2 lumbar. I will have to carry a little pager like thing that will give me electric shocks. If I don't do this then they will burn the nerve out and I will loose all control of being able to use the bathroom, and have sex. I am currently taking Neurontin, and Oxycontin (this drug is all over the news because of how highly addictive it is also it is used for terminal ill cancer patients) and these drugs have helped to make me be able to walk, not upright, but walk.
I have a 7-month-old son that lives with me, and a 4-year-old stepson with whom I am not able to play. My wife and I got married in July and I was sick. Do you have any idea what I am going through? I feel like I am the only person in this whole world who feels like this. I would love to be able to talk with someone else who has some idea of the pain that I feel both physically and mentally. There is much more to this story but I was just trying to give you the small version of it.
http://www.dontfixit.org/forum/posts/011116.asp
Metadata:
ID: 1cc58a7c
Name: GS
Vasectomy Date: 2001-04-13
Birth Year: 1975
Source: dontfixit.org
Posted: 2001-11-03
Location: USA
Storycodes: LTP,BDR,SGC,OTR
Months: 7
Resolved: No

My dear Satan
The bringer of mass destruction
The bringer of light
The bringer of human freedom
The king of this world and the flies
The joker
Master of mind games.
The prince of darkness
Lucifer
The bringer of light
Lucifer and his off-springs all the devils all his cambions. The legend of king Arthur and Merlin.
King Arthur and the knights of the round table Merlin the cambion who was born through an incubus ( male demon ) and through a virgin nun and you would know him as Merlin the mage.
He was supposed to be the Anti Christ instead he showed his loyalty to king Arthur.
Don´t belive in this tale. (belive if you belive) I have voices in my head.
read between the lines.
This is a story about the muse the conductor of this earth. The orchestra of your room
The artist who does not speak or lose the Angel who you wish was was true.
The Black sabbath`s The Beatles, Johns Lennon, Bob Dylan, Robert Johnson, Carlos Santana, Snoop Dogg, Ozzy Osbourne Giuseppe Tartini who all bargained with the devil! And so many more who sacrificed
their lives and their souls for something bigger something magic called music https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7rxl5KsPjs
Dios and The misfits you should already know that every word a is true. Niccolò Paganini
the Foo fighters https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBG7P-K-r1Y and the Mephistolees. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qdQMFCfEGM
your deepest wish or your deepest secrets your biggest dreams or all your shallow nightmares.
door after the door. lies after lies split your wrist after wrist stomach after stomach still we will beat you up the the stars.
I´m a a soul from the war that we won. From the grave yards from the ravens eyes to the night
I have licked a vampyriez clitoriz and Satans cock I am Love and rainbows. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNDOMa8jBlo
Let me tell you an story about the fallen angel the nobel price winner the oscars winner. The Dragon. let´s start fom me!
aI was born in Helsinki in 94 to explosions. My first memory is my father throwing me up in the air when we won the world cup in hockey 95.
I was a pretty curious child I wanted to look at the world through our window when my father grabbed my leg to save my life. This text is to my mom. who made me play the drums and pushed me to viloin lectures. Bought me drums after drums.
I took an overdose in barcelona 28.11.2019 do to benzowithdrawals. I will come back to this...
When I was 16 I got my first taste of mother nature. I ate some mushrooms i have never been the same.
I was an instution child who did not speak a word of my trip to anyone with mother nature. Try to explain the colors of the rainbow to an adult.
I never spent the nights at home I was with my older friends smoking weed. My best friend at the time called my mom about my weed smoking he hurt me a lot.
I was hiding from the police at my dads friend. untill eventually he had to let me go.
Never felt so alone and abondoned with my guitar. No idea how she came with me guitar are like women. I´ve seen a young woman at 13-16 years split her cheeks becouse she did not want to eat her meds.
I learned pretty quicly to keep to my own. Soon we were playing playstation and made our own food and had our own small apartment. Smoked some hash and listened to music- I had to do something so I started designing logos to companys with my rastas and my skateboard. By company I mean firms that wanted free labor. I have pissed a lot of drug tests by drinking water and citrus to hide thc and cbd from my urine. The only time I got caught was when the instution worker came to my home when I was on leave from the institution.
Don´t let me get started on the social workers.
Anyways I hated adults becouse they all lie. So my child if you read this don´t you be one.
When we had drug leactures in school one in particular warned if you smoke weed you will see a pike from your hand I wear one as a tattoo the jokes on me. Concidence probably...
The first dog I got close to bit me and the first cat clawed me.
Me and my friends are guys you would no want to to show to your mom exept me of course.
For an exemple after doing music the whole night we went for a cigarette and it was to damn cold so we order a taxi we wanted away. Imagine partying the whole night and you find yourself at the airport. Then bum a couple of beanzodiapines from a friend thats even more than this story.
Wake up by machine guns by the frankfurts police after getting a few ours of shut eye and telling them that we just want to get to the sun. My dear friend had weed leftowers in his pocket when we were supposed to fly to dubain where there is death penalty for marijuana so he threw hes jacket in the waiting lounge. And we were fine.
We woke up in bangcock and I called my mom. We had arrived. Then I fucked a transexual high on valium and on local alcohol. I was scarred shitless that I might have aids. I survived despite the ratio in Bangkok. the local hookers in bangkok has a ratio of 20% of aids that means 2 girls of 10 have aids and I fucked a man. I survived
After travelling for one month in thailand we went for cambodia.
We travelled to sihanoukville to beach otres 3. We went one night to a jungle party. After returing to otres during the sunrise I saw a man playing the guitar near him was cajun drum set. We started playing together we did not speak a word. It was blissful, We changed back and forth. He said to me follow your dreams. Then I saw a local drug dealer who sold me edibles. I hade one of the most meaningfull days of my life while I watched the cambodian ocean from dusk till dawn I realized there is nothing wrong with me and how beatiful mother nature.
Then we went by bus to the city were pepper grows. Kampot.
Next destination was Vietnam.
We arrived in Saigon Ho Chí Minh city. We bought crystal meth and heroin. And a own hotel room after we realized we can´t live our life in a hostel room with 10 other smelly britts.
I realized I need a guitar to be doing this journey.
When you smoke crystal What feels like 5 minutes is 5 hours when you try to get the perfect hit. Stay away from meth.
I had bought an guitar earlier so I went high as fuck to play the guitar.
People took videos of me and wanted to talk to me. I just played my new guitar.
My friend was in the hotel room still trying to get the pefect hit. Stay the fuck away from crystal meth.
Then I went back to my hotel room and started sniffing heroin like the rockstar I thought I was like all my idols before me. Just like magic I found davids magic chord hallelujuah.
The next day we we trying to get our next fix but the local police was doing a drug razzia. I know we had guardian angels on our our side. We were fine. Guardian angels was protecting us. So we left to to Phu Quoc to escape the city. We went snorkeling. While my friend was with his friends. I ate a ton of tramadols and I was swimming with dolphins.
Then we flew to Hanoi. We were high all the time as you might have guessed.
I ate a bunch of a benzodiazepines and some codeine and went for some tattoos. I now bare a black raven on my left hand.
It got me some pussy it took just a couple of months.
Then we went to Laos. First to Vientiane then to Vanvieng.
We took a hostel room. And started doing drugs. Vanvieng is sketchy they sell almost everything. So we started doing drugs.
When we got to our hostel my friend got in trouble first for smoking weed then for smoking opium. We should be sitting 7 years in a sweaty laos prison sell. Thanks to my brilliance I saved us from that hell.
We were on the balcony enjoying our night spliffs of opium when sudenlly there was 7 undercover cops trying to harras us.
We just pushed them away. They were small you know how asians are. I flushed all the drugs down the toilet. We knew we had to move on.
So we just went down the town and rented a pair of bungalows.
I got hooked up on opium pretty fast... Played one gig and tried to play an other but I got kicked out pretty fast beacouse had an opium spliff in my mouth and the guitar in my other hand. To explain to you my dear reader. in Laos there is a seven year jail sentence for opium, we are lucky to be charleen and still free.
In laos there grows a lot of magic mushrooms. So me and my dear friend ate some. After beign awake on the local methamphetamine called Yaba. We drank a couple of magic mushroom shakes. It took 15 minutes to hit. We had to leave everybody and get to our bungalows to our safe place.
At one poin of the trip I thought my friend had died. Thanks to our guardian angels he was just laying beside me.
Then I continued doing opium and playing my guitar.
One night when I was sleeping I got woken up by a britt by playing golden brown form the stranglers. We were going to harvest mushrooms for his trip to wherever he was going. My friend and he had stayed up all night probably smoking crystal. He told me stay away from opiates it will eat your soul.
Next to our bungalows there was a jungle full of mushrooms. We picked a lot of them for him... I hope he had a great trip where ever he may roam. May the force be with you.
I was already addicted to opium so my friend had to carry me to the bus away from Vanvieng to Vientiane. We did all the typical turist thing in Van vieng before you start to cry.
The Tubing the Jungle the caves and the springs.
We went back to Thailand there and then I made the promise to never travell sober again.
We arrived in Chang Mai and fast travelled to Pai. To Pai sircus school hostel. There were guys jamming all the time. I felt at home. We did the basic turist things borrowing scooters and watching waterfalls. Drank the local wine and had a hangover like nothing else.
We went to see the white buddha. I showed him the middle finger an took a selfie. I know I know I was ignorant child and if the customs see the pictures I have curfew to Thailand.
After seeign the white buddha we drank mushroom milkshakes. I was laying in my hammoc when I closed my eyes there he was Buddha. I asked him to be gentle on me and not to talk about my tattoos. He listened. He showed me his beatiful world while my friend was puking his garbage out and somehow managed to make a puppy dissapear after the puppy eat the vomit. I asked God what do you want from me why do I hurt this much, I don´t want bad to anybody show me a sign. I was enlightened but a young drug addict so the struggle contiunued to the next day the struggle continues to this day.
Then we travelled to Pattaya long story short my friend fucked a russian and I did drugs planning our trip to europe...
We took some tattoos. then we flew to Barcelona.
I had arrived I felt at home.
My friend knew a few guys who rented a place to stay so we stayed there.
One day we were sitting on in a bar on the terass and listening to live punk music. We got the splendid idea to just forget about the bill. And run away.
Then we asked a couple of police the way to see the champions league, that was going on on the same day that is when the trouble began.
We walked la rambla and a couple of swedish girls caught us asking us were are you going? we said the we are going to look at football.
They followed us. One of the girls acted as a terapeut so I spilled my whole life story to her. Of course she lied she was no terapeut just a horny swede. We kissed in a night club and she suddenly said to me let me sit on you in the bathroom go buy some condoms.
I was on my way to buy the condom when I met a heroine junkie who had a condom I wanted to try heroin so I went with him.
Bought some heroine and brought the condom but the nightclub was closed. I am lucky my friend was walking through la rambla against all odds.
we made it safley to our place...
Next morning I did speed balls In my room. I had bought cocaine earlier. My friend had tooth ache so I gave him so cocaine to ease the pain.
We had to move on...
So we took an hostel for our remaining days. I went to search more heroine. Like the curious junkie I was. Pretty fast I met some junkies either crack heads or heroine junkies. We went for an adventure they took me to lion's den an awful drug hole I bought some heroine. When I got out there they were the undercover cops. They searched me and found my bag of smack. I was honest to them and they promised nothing will happen to you. I love Barcelona.
I will come back to Barcelona I moved there couple of years later.
Then we travelled to Sweden and by bout to Turku Finland.
When we arrived in Turku we started drinking compulsively we almost got thrown out from our train to helsinki.
When we arrived we went to our friends apartment as usual we could not behave so we started wrestling and we got throwned out with my friend.
His neighbours had called the cops.
We went to jail to the lock up. The copps were probably jelous of our tan so I masturbated to their cam.
Then I stayed a couple of nights with my mom. Untill I needed to find an apartment a childhood friend called Ronja saved my ass I moved into her apartment in Helsinki where she let me live there for free. Bought some fentanyl first then started doing oxycontin and heroine and benzodiazapines I was a total mess.
After two months living there I moved with my guitar and amp to Kallio a suburb in helsinki. I was a total mess. I was seeign this beatiful girl named Natlaia she had a child and was a single parent I played the guitar a lot to her child and her I was hooked on opiates then. I remember one morning when I decided to quit drugs for good I woke up with withdrawals and saw her child on the floor. Then and there I quit opiates I wish it was last time I touched opiates.
I started smoking lots of marijuana to deal with the withdrawals it was not to bad. Thanks to the weed.
I had to figure out what to do with my life I was 21. I have friends in Sicily so I called one of them and decided to move to Palermo to work as an bartender.
Life in Palermo was hard but fun lot´s of drinking and live music in one of Sicilys best aperitivo/bars there is called Il siciliano.
My dear friend tattoo artist came to visit we played a lot of guitar. One day we took the train to Catania and walked from the train station almost all the way to Etna we hitchhiked the last kilometers. Made a fire and slept on the base of Etna. Then walked the whole way up we were companied by dogs. When we reached the top we drank a couple of beers like the kings we are. The workers were happy to see that two guys had walked the whole way instead of taking the car up.
My friend then moved to Barcelona I soon followed him there to live my dream to play the guitar. My drug use went from hand pretty fast. So I moved to Finland to escape it all. It went good for an while.
I lived with one of my best friend and he wanted us to go to Talinn so we went and we drank a lot. Went to the horehoes fucked hookers and drank some more. When we came back to Finland I had my seond encounter with a demon. We fucked and she slapped me and said don`t you ever fuck a hooker again. I love demons. They might hate me and I may die any second know.
Then I started doing oxycontins again. I went to seek help from the hospital. I pored my heart to them. I was ready to go to rehab. In Finland it is not the way it goes. You have to be sober when you are seeking for help. They gave me some pills and said go home and sleep and gave me a number to call.
I started doing even more oxycontins. I took my Fender Jaguar and flew back to beatifull Barcelona. With my opiate addiction.
I was doing telemarketing In swedish soon I was fucking my boss. She is still beatifull. I got hooked on the local opium. It`s a wonderful medicine if used correctly- Don`t you dare reader get this message wrong. There is nothing wrong with substances they are just molecules. I am the problem an I hope you don`t cary the same diseas as I.
I quit cold turkey opium thanks to weed. Instead was doing local amphetamines/meth mix 5 euro per gram.
The guy who I lived with in Kallio moved to Barcelona so I quit opium there and then. For an while...
I did speed and lsd and benzodiazapines instead.
Now is when things get out of hand.
I wanted to come down from the amphetamines after I had been playing guitar with my friend so I went to go buy some opiates.
I thought the cops were following me and that they were going to arrest me. So when I got home I cleaned my computer and ate the gram of opium shitt my pants and woke up in the hospital . My friend saved my life against all odds. I am alive thanks to him. And capable of writing this becouse of him. I should be dead. All my vitals was as good as gone. The first thing after the darkness I saw a bright light and my friends who were pissed of at me. And then a beatiful doctor who thought that I might be bi-polar I fell in love right away.
Most of the staff in Barcelonas hospital were women and they treated me like a prince, exept one who liked my in uter tattoo and said that you need to eat more. I masturbated to one of nurses she was super hot black hair and she drew some blood from me. I apologize for my honesty this is my life I´m Love and Rainbows.
Little did I know that my life would change for ever. My dear friend had at the same time arrived to come and visit me. So he came everyday to the hospital too bring me food and borrow his phone and his headphones. What a nice vacation. It was the most psychedlic experience of my life. I had a brain injury. My dear friend is a nurse so he knew right away that everything was not okey with me. Thanks to my looks him and a girl called Mia I got to stay in the hospital for as long as I did. Mia is an angel she came everyday to the hospital to keep me company. I owe her a lot. She is an aspiring actress. Very beatiful.
We flew with my friend to helsinki. No one knew yet that I had a traumatic brain injury everybody suspected something. Not me I thought I was fine. So when we arrived at the airport in helsinki we went with my mom and her man to the hospital once again. They said that I should seek help for my drug abuse. When I od:eed there was every single drug in my system expet alcohol.
I could not even get my pants on or shitt or piss correctly. So we went back to the hospital and they took an mri scan. And there thay found that I have holes in my brain.
So there started my 6 months rehabilitation.
I had to learn basic thing again like the clock and math every language I speak. I was a patient in the neurological part of the hospital. Do to the overdose i got bedsores and had to get a few operations. So lucky me I was high on opiates again. This time leagaly.
My dear friend brought me a guitar. I had to learn to play again. I´m pretty sure thats why recovered so quikly even listening to music does wonders for the brain so imagine playing it. My mother took my phone away she was scarred that my friends might bring me drugs. So she brought me a lot of books. She bought me Nirvanas Kurt Cobains biogarphi. Like to junkie I am I started to stash my leagal opiates. My other friend had brought me his playstaion and a tv. So I put my headphones in the tv and listened to Nirvana in my hopital bed in the middle of the room high on opiates. Then and there I decided that I most learn to play the guitar once more. Slowly but steadily I improved. I went to speech theray, neuropsychology therapy and played my guitar everyday. The hospital worker showed me how to take a shower. He liked to hold my hand while we walked. Thought me how to propely dose drugs and buy shitt from the grocery. A very fine and fine man.
I also read the book the power of now. It changed my life I started to meditate.
I went every evening around 10 pm to an isolated room to play guitar and trying so sing. It slowly got better and better. Then the doctor slowly but surely weaned me of the opiates.
I wanted help with my addictions so I started to see a drug rehab worker. She was amazing. We spoke a lot we had common intrests she had seen Nirvana live in Turku I´m jealous. She said to me one day that you have to read Petri Wallis and Kingston walls biography. Know you fucker who read this Biographi go to listen shine on you. They might be the best band Finland has ever produced. Thanks Jukka Jylli Sami Kuppamäkki and Petri Walli. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H\_tvqsENfUY
After I was realized from the hospital I was institutionalized going to the store was weird beign free was weird. I relapsed pretty fast.
Played my guitar too. Then I moved to east Helsingfors lived by my own trained pretty hard and played music during the weekends with my friends.
Then on the exact day when I should have died or be an vegetable a few years back I went and bought speed and subutex. That was a big mistake I got voices in my head attacking me and judging me. A doctor would call it a psychosis I call it stupidity and faith. I went to the hospital and saw a doctor. He asked me what´s going on. I said that I felt psychedelic that your the doctor know. He gave me diazepam and neuroleptics. I was fine the voices dissapeared.
I got hooked on benzodiazapines once again pretty quikly... I was hooked on the local xanax that was probably laced with fentaly. The withrawals were horrible.
Then I moved back to the city were I was born Tölö. On my birthday turning 27 I played my guitar in the heart of Helsinki were I live and was born. I guess I played good or so I remember. I was going through benzo-witharawal once again. Then I smoked weed felt like a king. Untill I went to bed the voices attacked me again. I still hear them to this day. Calling me disturbing things almost all the time. Exept when I play guitar. Not to be arrogant, reader if you happen to be a scizophrenic you are special. I dare to say a chosen one. There is succeful people with voices in their head. Like John frusciante who has had voices since he was 7 encouraging him to pick up the guitar. Anthony Hopkins voices doubting him before he is about to act. Socrates as well. Gandhi, Saint Joan of Arc
Winston Churchill, Brian Willson and of course a story of an artist Daniel Johnston. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKW2H0WBqW8
Demons home is our hell demons home or our hell?
I´m possessed by a demon who is never satified he lives in my head and learns me things like music and who I should trust.
He is a shapeshifter I think that´s pretty cool. He calls me a fraud. We are the same he is me so who is the fraud?
He is a fallen soldier. A fallen angel or so he says. He is also a demon. He loves rock n roll. We are nothing alike. We are alike Or so he says. Finally I met somebody who loves music as much as I. He comes from Hell I from Helsinki. He is starting to understand that I have no other fucking choice than to play my guitar untill I die. Do to my small deal with the king of this universe... Mr Satan
I walked to the crossroads playing the blues put my guitar down and sold my soul for exchange for fame and glory and the mastery of the guitar... I am love and rainbows
I see demons and vampires. I fell in love with a vampire she is something totaly diffrent she is a God damn vampire. She is also a Indian an Ballet dancer Shapeshifter and hot and beatiful there is not a way to describe her she is the most beatiful woman I have ever seen. She keeps dissapearing and returning all the time. She is good to me even though she could be evil so I hope I can trust her. I brought he a red rose once and she took it. Tha´ts magic. She returned it to me when I ordered food. I assume she does not like when I order kebab. She may eat me I love her. I owe everything to them my life they saved me against all the ods. The most difficult thing in my life is to choose sides between good and evil so I choose my own side follow or don`t!

Hello again.
I’m now one week out from my nerve ablation that was supposed to cure my pain.
My background: 6 months ago, I had a kidney stone lithotripsy and the doctor laser blasted my kidney wall, killing sections. Now I have a permanently swollen kidney with necrosis hitting two nerves. It feels like having a passing kidney stone 24/7 (which is said to be one of the most painful experiences a human can have). I’m on month 6 of this. My FMLA is almost up. I’m a teacher, 25 years old, and living at home with my parents while in grad school. My whole life is on pause right now. I can’t eat, sleep, walk, work, drive, or even focus long enough to read. The only thing that’s helped me besides meds is crocheting a blanket for my sister. Holding soft yarn and creating something from sheer love makes me feel human again.
I am in more pain after the ablation than I was before. I have read that it’s normal, and ablations can take a few weeks to start working. I’m on OxyContin 3 times a day and Percocet 4 times a day for breakthrough. I’m noticing the medicine doesn’t seem to work as well as it used to. I’m back to not sleeping at all. The only things I can eat are liquids and simple carbs or I get sick.
I think the hardest thing for me right now is feeling really weak. I bought a cane yesterday because I can’t walk without becoming extremely dizzy from pain. I’m 25 with a cane. I know it’s not shameful. I know it’s a mobility aid that I truly need, that I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know exactly what I would say to you all if the table was turned. But, holy moly it makes me sad. I miss my life so much. I miss the person I used to be. I miss being happy.
My pain doctor is amazing. He believed me from the get go. I remember sitting in his office three months ago, having just been cut off of narcotics from my primary with 10 documented ER visits for pain. He looked at me and said, “you look like a drug addict. You look like someone who wants the drugs” I remember starting to sob. Before this, I didn’t even drink caffeine. I don’t drink, never did any drugs in high school or college. I’m extremely boring! He then looked at me and said, “but I believe you. Your pain is real and we are going to fix it. You aren’t doing this alone anymore.” And he put me on morphine pills. They made me scratch myself raw, so he changed to oxy. Having my doctor believe me is why I’m alive right now. He also put me on antidepressants as part of the treatment plan.
I’ve never experienced depression like this. I don’t want to die, I want the pain to stop. I say this everyday, every chance I get, humans were not meant to experience chronic pain.
I saw a TikTok yesterday about emergency room doctors not believing pain patients. We spend every day worrying if our life saving drugs are going to be taken away. Most of us don’t even have access to these life saving drugs! My insurance won’t cover my Oxy. $500 a month. On one hand, I have an overwhelming amount of survivors guilt that I have access to the medication, and then on the other hand, I am so angry that I have to feel lucky when my life is AWFUL!
There’s no point to this post. It makes me feel better getting my thoughts out there to people who understand. My friends and family are the most supportive people I know. But they don’t get it. I just want to complain without being looked at with such pity. I want to complain without having to manage someone else’s feelings.
If you need someone to chat with to just listen and affirm that what you’re going through sucks and isn’t fair without shaming you on what you have or haven’t tried, without looking down on you, without making it about how I am feeling, please DM me. I’m becoming a rabbi and chaplain, and I’m happy to listen. Chaplains work with everyone, not just people of the same religion, or any religion at all. It would honestly make me feel like I’m still helping the world, serving my purpose to sit with you.

I (36f) was diagnosed at 19 with ADHD but was never treated. I’m now 36 and spoke with my primary a few my months back and he put on Ritalin and I try taking it. It does help give me a boost to stay focused sort of. But I have hard time remembering to take my meds.
I’ve had issues with depression since I was about 12/13. My health is crap I have had 35 surgeries since age 14. Different issues. Last one was my second lumbar surgery. I have 4 boys 12,17,20, & 23 (step son I was a young mom but not THAT YOUNG 😂)
Anyway, a couple weeks ago I really thought I had a huge turn around. I had energy, I felt good, I was able to help around the house, my anxiety wasn’t overwhelming, I was productive. And I had to take a few rest days as I had over done it and my back was very aggravated. I’m also taking care of my mom who just had a total knee replacement.
She is 63 and has more energy than I do. I don’t get it. I have severe gut issues and fibromyalgia as well. And then got hit with strep throat from my kiddo. But besides that I can barely find the energy to get up and take my dogs outside.
It’s like I lay in bed knowing everything I should be doing. Wanting to be doing. I wanna take my younger kids out to the park or movies or even for a drive just anything. And I just don’t have the energy. House chores pft I think about them and that makes me more tired stressed and overwhelmed.
My husband has been my rock. Married for 3 yrs together for 14. He just became a manager and is working 50-60 hours a week now so he can’t help out as much anymore and I feel terrible that I’m not doing literally anything.
I lay in bed listening to audiobooks or watching TV all day. I only leave the house for Dr Appointments or if I have to take kids to school (husband usually does). I used to love going places. I used to hate being cooped up. Now all I want to do is sleep or lay in bed.
I work from home for 10 years now. That has added greatly to the as my mother calls it (hermit behavior). I just don’t know if it’s the adhd or depression or both. I’m not on any meds for depression right now.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Current medications I’m on are - estradiol (6mg Dr upped dosages as my body isn’t absorbing it or I’m metabolizing it to quick I had a hysterectomy at 24) - priolsec - bentyl - Imodium - methocarbomal - 10 mg 2x day Valium - 20 mg Ritalin - 50 mcg fentanyl patch - 4 10mg OxyContin - 37.5 phentermine - 100 mg topirmate - zofran - rizatriptan And over the counter - Tylenol and Benadryl as needed I have a few other meds I’m on but don’t take for let’s just say Mom Bladder
I know this is long and I’m sorry. I don’t know if any of this makes any sense. I’m just exhausted and I want to be who I was 15 years ago. The girl who gave AF. Now I’m the mom who plays board games in bed and watches TV and Movies in bed with my kids as quality time.
I will say this. If we plan a vacation I am somehow able to find the energy to get up get out and be apart of things. But here at home I’m just stuck. What is wrong with me 😔.

I’ve been working in marketing for about 5 years.. digital marketing. I’ve had a few jobs and I decided to work on a degree in business - marketing.
I’ve been watching this show on Netflix callled “painkiller” & it’s about OxyContin and how pharmaceutical companies are able to get away with marketing drugs a certain way that has destroyed lives.
I also think about the food that is marketed ti us in the states and how everything has junk in it but it’s all marketing a certain way. Especially toward kids
It just got me thinking.. are their any job positions that specifically monitor how people are aloud to market products like medication, food, etc? Or is it all just up to the company to do what they want.. until someone decides to sue them?

Hello everyone, I found this subreddit so immensely helpful in knowing what I’d need for recovery and what to expect overall so I wanted to share my experience as well.
For reference, I am 26F, have one 4yo, and knew I was firmly one and done barely a month after giving birth.
My doctor was incredibly easy to work with and took me very seriously from the beginning, honestly I expected it to be more back-and-forth and said so after talking to her but she gently said “you’re clearly competent enough to make your own decisions” which for some reason gave me affirmation I didn’t even know I needed. Like, yes, yes I am. But thank you for also saying that.
My doctor’s office is on the list, but not her name personally, I am going to message a mod after this post to get her added specifically.
My surgery was scheduled barely 2 weeks after my initial consult which I was really happy about, I assumed there would be a longer wait. I was SELF-PAY, which I did have some trouble finding thorough info for on here so I’ll touch on that here and am happy to answer any further questions.
For reference, I am based in the US. My doctor fee was around $1500 which I had to pay at the time of scheduling. Then, I had to pay my hospital fees before the surgery date. I applied for Care Credit and got approved for around $4500. Hospital fees were around $3300 and were paid with my Care Credit card. The final fees will be billed by anesthesia now that my surgery is complete. I called them ahead of time to get a self-pay estimate and was told $2600. If the number is significantly different from that quote once I get that bill, I will update the post. I plan to use the rest of my Care Credit for that and then pay the rest or see if they do payment plans. Please note that applying for Care Credit is just like applying for a credit card and will put a “hard check” on your credit.
As for the actual surgery experience and recovery, I am shocked at how easy and simple everything was/is.
My sister had been the one to drive me and said from the time she saw me right before they wheeled me back to when they told her I was done and in the process of waking up was 15-20 minutes. I arrived at the hospital at 6:30 AM and was discharged around 9:30 AM.
I was given one OxyContin around 9am before leaving the hospital and since then I have not needed anything else, not even ibuprofen. I feel uncomfortable at times but nothing I’d consider painful. Weird, considering I had a part of my body removed but I’m not complaining.
Below is a list of items I felt were absolutely necessary for comfy recovery process that I luckily already had thanks to all those that have shared their experiences:

1. Throat soothers. You won’t feel the soreness right away but towards evening and next-day my throat felt sore from the breathing tube they insert during surgery and I was really happy to have cough drops, throat sprays, and popsicles on hand.
2. Digestion/gas aides. Stool softeners, gas X, plus natural versions of both for an extra gentle push. I definitely feel the gas and bloating still at 8am the next day as I write this but it’s nothing unbearable. Teas have been really helpful, my favorite has been plain peppermint and a Smooth Move blend.
3. A comfy spot where you can lay upright. After my surgery my sister stayed for about 30 mins and then I felt like taking a nap so she headed out and just checked in with me every few hours until my partner got home from work later that evening. I chose a portion of my couch that allowed my legs to fully extend and ensured there were already pillows in place for under my knees and a body pillow that wrapped behind me to prop me and my arms up easily. I ended up sleeping on/off most of the day but by evening time felt good enough to get up and make a quick 30 minute dinner. I made pasta and felt really bloated and uncomfortable after eating so I would recommend maybe a light soup instead. Gas X helped me feel better after that.
4. “Bye Bye UTI by Cheeky Bonsai” I got this at Walmart and drank one packet the night before and another the day I got home. I’ll have another today. They did insert a catheter and I felt some burning when peeing after but nothing crazy and I’m sure it helped to have the packets to help flush everything through and out.

Aside from that, here are other things I bought but probably would have been fine without:

1. Extended grabber. I already had everything at waist level and didn’t use it at all for reaching things.
2. A self-standing cane to help get on and off the couch/bed. I was fine just taking my time and scooching off carefully.
3. Ibuprofen and Tylenol. I bought new packs of extra strengths, won’t need those.

Things I wish I had but didn’t: 1. Better foods. Soft, warm, non-bloating. Think like prepped soups, yogurts, etc.
That’s all I can think of for now. I showered the morning of surgery so I can comfortably avoid any showers at least until tomorrow but I will attempt taking off my bandages and cleaning the incision spots later today. I’ll also have my partner drive me to a nearby park to get some good walking in and ease the gas.
This has been my personal experience and I’m lucky to have had such a smooth one. Reach out with any questions about anything!

Hi guys. I have been getting mild flare-ups for around 5 years now. They started in my knuckles, and usually, it was the right hand, with just two left outer knuckles. Then, it started on the inside of the hands.
This will come and go, but it has been happening more lately. Now, the pain has spread to my wrists, and it feels like I have rings of pain around them. This spread to my feet one time, too. It is waking me up now and comes and goes much more frequently. I would say it happened 20/25 times in five years, with 15 being in the last year.
I had a blood test, which came back negative, but all sides lean towards Palindromic Rheumatism, which my doctor says cannot be proven. I saw a different doctor who just said it's part of ageing (37) and told me to take 400mg of Ibuprofen. This does not work. 1200mg does not work.
I then returned and demanded (in the most excellent possible way) help. We are pretty lucky in the UK to be able to do such things, but in my area, doctors work the pain ladder and do, to be fair, seem to care rather than shunning you off with a box of Oxycontin.
I was put on a course of 1000mg of Naproxen a day and have been consuming 15mg of Omega 3 every day. So far, the medication has not really helped. I have been taking 1000mg of Tumeric powder with Black pepper, which has not helped, but I have been told the company I use is no good (full of fillers)
https://preview.redd.it/o1xblctxl7uc1.png?width=662&format=png&auto=webp&s=089f1b688e0bc14a1ea7236364a524ca2207c406
I was thinking about investing in a better brand of Tumeric and found a company in the UK that has no fillers and do not make in bulk. They sell £500 mg of Tumeric for £11
https://preview.redd.it/hhczsop4m7uc1.png?width=2388&format=png&auto=webp&s=aa67b518611a2f72e1c8983acdb69bda45f994f3
They also sell something called Cell-Active Curcumin Plus
https://preview.redd.it/3vka0t8am7uc1.png?width=2420&format=png&auto=webp&s=067e0144a80fb4de67a8a5cddb02974cc1bc0e8d
My question is, is it worth spending three times more for Cell-Active Curcumin Plus, or is this a waste of money? I do not have money to burn, but I want to try and help my symptoms!
Thanks

I had been seeing the same pain management doctor for about 2 years. I was pretty much a perfect patient. No bad UA’s. No early refills. I was happy with my provider.
The last 3 months my life became extremely stressful. Husband in and out of hospital, diagnosed with an aggressive non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. This month it became apparent to me I was starting to have a problem with the pills. Running out early that last 3 months. I never asked for early refills, I just suffered the last week before getting my new script. This month, I called the office and told them I was having a problem. I saw the provider and she gave me a few referrals of places to go to perhaps start on suboxone or the shot.
The first place I went didn’t actually do suboxone. So I called the second place and they said come on over. Long story short, they wouldn’t do suboxone so they started me on methadone. Im actually so happy at this point that this all happened. Methadone controls my pain way better than oxycodone, OxyContin or morphine er. I just wanted to share this story for people who are struggling. Or maybe your providers aren’t giving you enough to actually help your pain. You do have this option. Of course I’m going to have to deal with a diagnosis of SUD but I honestly don’t even care about that right now. I have less pain than I have had in years. Hope this helps someone if you’re in a similar situation.

Hi, new here and I got a few questions. Maybe y’all can help. I have been on pain management for 15+ years for my lower back. It’s been up and down with the drs but I currently have a good dr that isn’t crazy money or procedure hungry. Quick back story… I’m 52 male. 220 lbs 6 years ago I was on what I considered a crazy amount of meds. They had me taking 2x 30mg OxyContin and 4x 10/325 oxycodone per day. It was out of control. At some point my legs started hurting really bad. It’s hard to describe… like constant restless leg syndrome making my legs weak. I recall collapsing in the grocery store. All this time and now I still work and stay busy, I have a lot of people and family counting on me. I went to the dr for the legs and they did this insane testing where they hook up electric prods and torture you for an hour. Then they wanted to look at operations etc. I felt that I knew what the issue was. Right before Christmas that year I stopped taking all my meds. I believe in cold Turkey. Don’t drag it out. Yes it was rough… ok that’s saying to mildly. It was horrible. I lasted 5 months but I was walking around like an old man due to my back and I had zero energy even after 5 months. My 80 year old aunt got around better then me. It was ridiculous. Then a hail storm came through the area and I had to go to work cause I sell roofs. I went back to my Dr and had him put me back on 4x 10/325 hydrocodone per day and I asked that he never raise it. My leg pain at this time was pretty much gone. I was correct in assuming it was the meds. Very glad I listened to my own intuition. Fast forward to today like 6-7 years later and I have never asked for a raise on the meds. It’s a dead end trap. My dr does insist I do 2-3 back injections per year. They are fairly cheap and only takes an hour or two so no big deal. But after this last one my legs and body is hurting like crazy. The second I lay down or try to relax or close my eyes the restless leg syndrome kicks in overdrive. I am left roaming the halls in the middle of the night. I even have a leg contraption that heats up and tightens around my legs that helps a little but not much. Does anybody have this issue ? Is there a solution besides stopping meds and life for 5 months ? Cause that isn’t a solution for me at this time in my life. I’m praying it is a direct result from the injections and will go away soon ?? Cause this is crazy. Don’t want to bring it up to the Dr again like last time cause I know where that goes.

I had a thing happen and wanted to give big thanks to you pharmacists who have us techs' backs. We catch so much shit from patients and it's awesome when we can feel confident that our pharmacist will tell a patient when they're being out of line.
Had a patient this morning picking up oxycodone AND oxycontin. I'm a pain patient myself and good for you for getting adequate pain management, but we still gotta follow the rules. He was angry that they weren't ready yet (had he called to have them filled before showing up? Nope) and I told him it might take a little longer than usual for the pharmacist to verify everything.
He came up after only 15 minutes wanting to know why they weren't ready yet. I explained again that it takes time because the pharmacist has to verify the meds, and he did NOT like that! Again I'm not judging, I take pain meds too, it's just protocol. He decides to stand about 6 feet in front of my counter instead of the waiting area, huffing and puffing an checking his watch and any patients who politely asked if he was next in line, he'd reply super loud, "No, I'm just waiting for HER (gestures to me) to decide if I can have my medication or not!" I just try to help people and ignore him.
When he finally got his meds (I think he waited 25 minutes total, and we're slammed today) he demanded to see a pharmacist, and told her that he didn't appreciate me delaying his meds just because he's on pain medication. She told him firmly that she was the cause of the delay because of the checks she had to do, and that it was going to happen every time, so he should call ahead if waiting 25 minutes was such a problem. Then she says, "Also you should know that she (me) checked on the status of your meds 3 times and made sure I didn't get sidetracked woth other issues. She's the reason you got them so FAST. And next time I see you staring down any of my techs while they're trying to do their job, I'll happily send your prescriptions to another location to fill there instead. "
Guys, I'm just a floater. Never met this pharmacist before. I love her. Thanks so much to all you pharmacists who make sure your techs are able to do our jobs without worrying we'll get in trouble because a patient decides to act like an ass. We love you guys!

So I made a post the other day about the horrific side effects MSContin has caused me the last 3 weeks.
I decided after I puked my last one out I was done with it. Well, I tried. I mean I've done good, in the time I should've taken 3 I only took a half.
Yesterday was my pain apt and my blood pressure was so high. 177/119. Granted, I had puked out my blood pressure med the day before and waited yesterday until I thought I wouldn't puke it out to take it so it hadn't kicked in. But the withdrawals were getting me good there and I'm sure that messed with my blood pressure. I talked to my pain doctor about it and he told me if I brought in my morphine to them he would send in oxycontin early which I shouldve had 7. But I don't. I have 5. This is basically when I was on vacation in Hawaii I puked 2 out within an hour of taking it (different days) and I wasn't gonna deal with withdrawals there so I figured I'd deal with the consequences later and took another once I knew my stomach was settled. Always end up puking for like 10 minutes until I'm dry heaving for a bit so my stomach has nothing in it. Shame me if you want idc.
Anyway, I've been a perfect patient there. No early fills, passed all urine screenings, going to PT, going to doctors I find on my own to see if they can help, etc. I've gained the trust of my pain doctor even at 26 which is young but he has helped me and keeps on upping my meds as needed. I'm a very honest and blunt person and tell it like it is so idk if that has worked in my favor or why I feel like I've gotten lucky.
I didn't want to ruin that even though in my mind I really didn't do anything wrong. It was circumstantial for why I would be 2 short but didn't want to risk it.
I really wanted to not take anymore but after a couple days of not taking one (at that point like 60 hours since last dose) I didn't think I would be able to sleep and I needed to cause work. So I took a half a few hours before bed and obviously didn't fix it but I was able to sleep.
But woke up this morning and it's still pretty rough. My stomach feels a lot better and the withdrawals have given me diarrhea so I've finally been able to clear my system.
Idk if cutting it in half breaks the xr part of it but I take 4 7.5mg percocets a day and so half the MSContin is only 7.5mg so really it's inconsequential but had to sleep but I refuse to take the full one because of my horrible experience the last 3 weeks.
I have hypermobility and that causes lots of muscular pain and withdrawals are just exasperating it. So I gotta stick out until next Wednesday when I get the alternative. Once it gets to the weekend I don't think I'll take anymore halves and just fight through it but man it's really only a glimpse of what could be with withdrawals and it already sucks. But I'll get through it.
I went to pick up a package and wanted to go to the store after and after I picked up the package ended up back at my apartment lol. I basically mindlessly went back to my apartment and ignored the store. So then I went to the store and picked out a Gatorade and opened it immediately and realized like 5 minutes later I was just zombie walking through the store drinking the Gatorade lol. I obviously paid for it but I thought it was pretty funny. Been a while since I've had a "what the fuck am I doing" moment

Do opioids make anyone else itchy? They took me off morphine pills because I was scratching myself raw. Now I take OxyContin and OxyCodone (Percocet) and I’m still very itchy. It isn’t as bad as with the morphine, but still very distracting. Don’t get me wrong, the pain relief is worth the discomfort of being itchy, I just want to know if anyone else experiences this.

Thank you to everyone who so kindly took time to ease my mind or give needed warnings.
Surgery was 7:30a. The nurse listened to my concerns about nausea and I got the ear patch.
I was anxious and started crying when the surgical nurses came in to talk to me and take me to the OR. They were amazing and so calming. I got something that took the edge off and when they wheeled me in, I was basically a potato lol They had me breathing O2 (or so the said), the anesthesiologist said I was going to sleep, I tasted something horribly metallic for a second and then woke up in post op.
I was hurting. There was pain (7/10 maybe 8/10). A nurse was there immediately and I got a Percocet. This was the one boo boo of the day as I had told the team in pre op appointments Percs make me puke. He said GA makes a lot of people nauseous and puking was to be expected. But the Percocet didn’t help, neither did the patch. I puked once at the hospital and again when I got home. I’ve since had an OxyContin and guess what - pain relief without vomiting 👍👍
PO I was exhausted and kept sliding in / out of consciousness. The nurse in charge of me was a bit aggressive about getting me out of post op imvho. I know the sooner I go home, the better, but damn I felt rushed. I could barely keep my eyes open and he kept coming over to say “well, we can keep you for 8 hours”…I don’t want to be here for 8 hours but jfc man.
I finally had enough of him and slowly got dressed and went into a wheelchair. My oldest pulled the car up and I got in and hugged my squishmallow to my belly - it helped.
Walked myself into my apartment. Drank some water and puked. Got in bed with my wedge pillow while my kids fussed over me for a few minutes.

• Ice packs are your friend!!!
  
• for today, OxyContin is my friend
  
• I feel like I’ve been kicked by a horse
  
• deep breathing hurt at first but meds are controlling that
  
• shoulder / upper back discomfort. An extra large Heating pad is your friend
  
• I haven’t taken a “good” pee yet. My bladder feels kind of numb. I urinated about a hour ago, but it was not much. Granted I vomitted a lot of liquid when I got home and have only had 48 oz since.
  

I got up around 3 and walked for a few minutes until my stomach started hurting. Then I took my little pee and went back to bed.