Intro:
Today I am reviewing what I believe to be the most disappointing Dhar Mann video of all time. It had potential, I was invested... then Dhar Mann just completely fumbled it. Expect me to get more scathing and frustrated as this review goes on.
This is also a weird twilight zone moment because Azeem, who famously salvages bad Dhar Mann videos, is one of the main contributors to what made this video awful (His character I mean, not Azeem himself).
Review:
Our story begins in the school theatre. Auditions are happening, and our titular dorky girl, Julie (Cecily Dowd), nails it. She does so well, in fact, that the heads of the drama club close up all remaining auditions for that role. That's pretty fucking mean if you ask me. Next up is our titular hot guy, Chase, a jock who hates being a jock. His audition sucks, and the coaches tell him that he's not getting the role.
What the fuck is going on here? Cutting off an audition early is one thing, but outright telling somebody they're not getting the part??? This is like the inverse problem with the tryouts for Bookside's Football team I covered last week. Between this and dismissing all people who haven't auditioned for Julie's role yet, this is super unprofessional.
Disheartened, Chase goes to the back of the theatre to sit with his unnamed narc friends (Azeem Vecchio and Nathan Ing. Knowing that it's these two good actors in this role makes this video just...). We learn that Chase knows he sucks, but he needs to get a role, otherwise his dad will make him play baseball again. We get a namedrop of Chase's bitch of a girlfriend, who blew him off to go shopping. Julie comes by and gives her condolences to Chase. Once she walks away, the narc friends make fun of her, and Chase gets a call from Bitch bitching about shopping or some bullshit. She verbally abuses him and also insists that he sticks to baseball.
Wow, a sympathetic protagonist! This is rare in Dhar Mann. Chase is a good guy, but he's manipulated by an abusive dad and a controlling girlfriend. It doesn't help that his friends suck too.
We cut to lunchtime at school the next day, and typical Dhar Mann plot contrivances occur. The male lead (the role Chase tried out for) turned down the part because he got cast on Broadway... you didn't have to go that far for an excuse Dhar Mann lmao. Oh but the contrivance gets even worse, because apparently the directors are giving Julie full power over who the male lead will be... Excuse me?
Why are the directors letting some random student decide this? This is especially contrived considering we saw how unprofessional and absolutist they were earlier... what the fuck. Anyway, narc friends pressure Chase into doing yet another bad thing: manipulating Julie into casting him by pretending to be romantically interested. This is made even worse by the fact that Julie has had a crush on Chase since they were little. That's fucked up, narc friends. They at least made Chase sympathetic enough to understand why he went along with this.
I have to give it to Chase here, because he doesn't outright ask Julie for the role or even pressure her to give it to him. He approaches her asking to help him get better. He's sincere in his compliments to her about how great her singing and acting is. He gets her number, and they arrange to hangout and practice together. So far, Chase isn't in the wrong yet.
We cut to the next day, in the theatre, where Chase is auditioning by reading a scene with Julie. Once again, I have to give a Dhar Mann video credit on something. It's annoying how his videos always repeat the message of the video word for word, but here, the message is stated in a fictional play that these are reciting. That's a bit more clever if you ask me, and MUCH more tolerable. Nevertheless, the directors are not impressed with Chase. They ask to speak with Julie in private... why? They've already been so mean to Chase right to his face, why hold back now lmao. In any case, the directors really don't like Chase, and Julie, at least for a moment, begrudgingly resolves to tell him he's not getting the part.
Julie tries to let Chase down lightly, and this is where Chase finally enters "in the wrong" territory. In a last ditch effort to keep his shot at landing this role, he lies to Julie by telling her that he likes her. Leaning on somebody who likes you to improve at something? Sure. Having them help you audition with their endorsement? Fine. Lying to them to manipulate them into nepotism? That's wrong and messed up. He even lies to Julie and tells her that him and Bitch broke up. Unfortunately, Julie falls for all of this, and overrides the director's decision.
We cut to Chase hanging out with Bitch at some salon. She never shuts the fuck up until Chase mentions Julie in passing. Chase... buddy... you fuck up here... He tells Bitch about his master plan to manipulate Julie. Why do characters in Dhar Mann snitch on themselves so fucking much?!
Julie and Chase are reading lines that mimic their situation a little too closely. That in itself is fine, I just reaaaally hope that they don't break the 4th wall (and insult our intelligence) by acknowledging this. Chase and Julie start genuinely bonding and it's actually an immersive romance for once. They find out they have so much in common and we see a spark form. Even having watched this before, I genuinely forgot about Chase's plan. For the first time, ever, Chase is realizing that Bitch doesn't even remotely care about him the same way that Julie does.
For once, I actually enjoy a montage. The music actually fits, and we see a lot of cute romantic moments. It's so heartwarming, in a way that Dhar Mann videos fail to tug at my heartstrings. Like I said, I was sooooo invested in this video and it had so much potential.
We cut to the day of the show, and Chase's narc friends... oh, right, these clowns still exist... they sneak backstage and support Chase... sort of. They don't congratulate him on a job well done, they congratulate him on manipulating Julie and talk mad shit about her... like why don't you guys just fuck off and get a life already? They leave, and Julie walks, with a massive glowup! Literally every other Dhar Mann character glowup sucks except for this one. Not only are 99% of the now "hot" people at the very median of the bell-curve, but even IF they actually were that attractive, NOBODY reacts irl with the hyperbolic drooling that Dhar Mann characters do. This glow up works because they don't put Julie on a pedestal, nobody ogles her, and nobody suddenly acts really nice to her. It's a much more realistic, Chase tells her she's beautiful, and that's it.
Chase and Julie absolutely knock it out of the park on stage, and the crowd goes wild! This is the only time I recall getting shivers from a video in a Dhar Mann video. The chemistry is so real, for one and one time only in Dhar Mann! Backstage again, Chase and Julie share a romantic moment, but they're still in intermission, so Julie leaves momentarily.
We are at 17 minutes of this 22 minute video. It was good for 17 minutes. These last 5 minutes are all completely fucking downhill... Dhar Mann absolutely FUMBLED this video in the remaining time!!!!
I genuinely stopped writing and watching for a minute to brace myself for how enraged I am going to get from this point out...
Narc friends sneak back stage again and... how does this keep happening?! And sure they tell him he's awesome and all, which is new, but other than that, they give the EXACT FUCKING SAME exposition that they did before the play started. Even in the context of this story, why? Why do this again? Oh, and they don't just loudly announce Chase's plan quietly among themseleves, they fucking declare this shit so loud that the entire world can hear. Including Julie...
Julie is obviously devastated, but what's even worse is that the narc friends just fucking skedaddle. Some fucking friends, right? They seriously left Chase alone to endure Julie's wrath. Even IF they don't know that Chase developed genuine feelings for Julie, isn't it still in their best interest to help Chase so he doesn't have to play baseball again?! At the very very very very least, the friends should say something like "dont blame Chase! He's a good guy, this was all our idea and we put him up to it!" but no. They just take off. No retribution. No consequences. Nothing. Chase gets the entirety of the rage and the blame.
The whole "I was using you at first but grew to actually like you" trope is something common in Dhar Mann. Dhar has made complete assholes get off scot-free and have a happy ending. Here you have a genuine guy who made a mistake and knows it, and he gets the absolute worst of it.
Oh, it gets even worse though... because in another extreme coincidence, this is THE ONE AND ONLY TIME that Bitch decides to care about Chase's life, and show up backstage (HOW ARE SO MANY AUDIENCE MEMBERS GOING BACK DURING INTERMISSION???) to give PDA right in front of Julie. Bitch literally says right in front of Julie "Why is she crying? Did she find out you were just pretending to like her?" Like holy fuck this is overkill! You don't need to narc on Chase this goddamn much!
Despite everything I just said post the 17 minute mark... This video had one more chance for redemption. Dhar Mann could have, and came soooooo close to redeeming this mess... I have to brace myself once again.
In the second half of the show, Julie's tone is much more scathing, while Chase's is completely timid. Usually I hate when, in fiction, people resolve their conflicts on stage by "being themselves", but here... it works. Chase breaks character and gives a sincere, honest apology and plea for forgiveness. I know I've used this phrase a lot, but it is such a heartfelt moment. If any character in Dhar Mann ever deserved forgiveness and a second chance for being genuinely repentant, it is Chase. Hell, even the entire damn audience is rooting for Chase and wants Julie to forgive and embrace him!
20 minute mark. 2 minutes remain, and we just had another peak moment after a valley, so surely this video can't fuck it up... right?
Julie runs off stage and the director calls an impromptu intermission. But then we cut to the next day at school... What? No! You can't just not tell us what happened the rest of the night and what became of the show!
Chase goes up to Julie at her locker with a gift of their favorite food. Chase tells Julie that he broke up with Madison, much to Julie's indifference. Chase is wearing a "so you see..." backpack by the way... Dhar Mann was INTENT on ruining this video holy shit.
Julie tells Chase that she talked to the director and they have decided to recast Chase's rol- HUH?! What??? What the fuck do you mean recast his role?? They JUST HAD the show!!! What do you mean for the rest of the run? That's not how school plays work. And no, there's no bullshit about it just going on a few more days of this weekend, because Julie specifically says that she can't bring herself to dance with Chase EVERY weekend!
I started banging my head into my desk once Julie said "Did you not learn anything from the show? Like my character says: The truth doesn't cost you-" AHHHH fuck off. The one and only time you had a somewhat clever way of veiling the message of the video, you had to fuck it up Dhar Mann by having her just outright point to the intended message... Julie takes the food and walks away. The end.
Outro:
...yes... that's actually how they decided to end this. What the fucking fuck? This is so incredibly anticlimactic and absolutely nothing is resolved. Chase is still under the abuse of his dad, his narc friends are off scot free, and Julie is still crushed. Dhar Mann has redeemed absolutely irredeemable scumbags and given happy endings to sociopaths, but Chase of all characters ends up with an EVEN SHITTIER life than how the video started?! This is even worse with the next suggested video being Anna from "Nerds Get Revenge on Cool Teens", an absolute fucking cunt of character who gets off scot-free and suffers no penalties for the shitty things she does INCLUDING USING SOMEBODY ROMANTICALLY, which she neither regrets nor suffers repercussions for. Just get the fuck out of my face already. Fuck this video, fuck the suggested video, and fuck Dhar Mann for ruining one of the only potentially good videos he ever made.
Sorry for how heated I got in this review. I can assure you that no other video even comes close to disappointing me on this level. It just... you know what, nevermind, I've said everything I need to say.
See you all next week for another review! Leave any recommendations below!

Sorry if this isn’t the exact place to ask this, but my bfs birthday is coming up and I wanted to get him something he can get a lot of use out of. He’s an electrical engineering student looking to pursue grad school studying electromagnetism and he loves what he does.
I want to get him something for that would be a fun addition to his home lab or something that he can get a lot of use out of.
I know nothing about electrical eng as I’m a chemist, so please help a girl out if you can!
Thank you

Someone asked about reasons for my ED and it got me thinking. This post is way too long for a comment so I’ve made it a post. It is probably very triggering as it’s about my eating disorder also mentions sexual assault, self harm and suicide.
I was a gymnast 16-20 hours a week, I could eat what I wanted and stay thin. I think it started around 14. A group of girls I use to hang around with at lunch time didn’t eat lunch, it never occurred to me I could do that. Soon turned into one meal or no food, plus 3-4 hours of intense exercise. I liked the way it felt. To have my uniform hang off me, the lightness. I felt small and hidden. I was very shy, hardly ever spoke and just wanted to fit in, luckily I was never bullied (not by my peers at least, the emotional abuse at home was horrendous). The thinner I got, people started gravitating towards me and I didn’t even realise, I never had many friends before that. But I was also still anxious, I didn’t feel good enough at gymnastics. I was scared of failure, especially at school. I wanted to be perfect. I think hitting puberty was also a reason, I hated having breasts and hips they made my leotard feel too revealing. I found my period inconvenient, I wanted it to stop. I remember changing for PE and wanting to hide my body. But I look back at photos and I was skeletal. I think I also liked the attention which I didn’t get at home, it was more just looks from teachers, they never said anything but they were kind to me. But in my head I thought maybe if I get really skinny, they’ll like me, talk to me. I loved Matilda as a child and wanted a mom like miss honey, to show affection and love me lol. Ahh that’s sad. I didn’t feel loved by my parents.
Things broke down at home even more, it had been a messy divorce and constant custody issues with my parents since I was 4, my dad was going through his second divorce now and blamed his kids, me. One night he was drunk/high and he became violent. I think that broke a part of me.
I was one of the older girls at gymnastics by now (15-16) I felt huge compared to most of the younger girls and my focus was on the older ones, who were very thin and delicate. I never felt delicate, just massive. Looking back there were girls bigger than me, strong beautiful women. I also didn’t have the energy and said I wanted to focus on school, which I guess had some truth, so I quit. By now I was being asked what I wanted to do for a career. I had no idea. I never thought about the future but a science teacher suggested medicine. I enjoyed science the most so went with it. Grades were very celebrated in my family and being praised felt good, I didn’t want to let anyone down.
Quitting gymnastics meant I could no longer eat as much, I wasn’t exercising as much, right? So I would go days without eating but I would still exercise, go for long runs at night. I started abusing laxatives at this time because I had started binge eating. Then I started college, I was drunk and carried off by a man and SA’d. I had been assaulted before as a child but that didn’t seem to affect me at the time. I didn’t even realise until I was older. I told a councillor and she said you got drunk and regretted it. It was my fault, I thought, I was drunk. But I told him to stop. He physically carried me to secluded place. I remember reaching to grab someone’s hand and they giggled. I started self harming, it became an addiction. I would cry all the time, argue with my mom. I remember being hit over and over by her and dissociating for the first time, it was so scary (and crazy to think about, we would argue about absolutely nothing, she was so horrible when I was a child and I have no idea why). I got kicked out a few times. I was spiralling, past abuse came to the surface and nothing made sense, I think this was the first time I wanted to die at 16. I drank and slit my wrists. But it wasn’t deep enough. I can’t remember what happened after, my mom never found out. My goal was to get to university so I could move out. I would go through periods of recovery, eating normal, especially over breaks from school when I was home all the time with my sister and mum. But at school, I still skipped breakfast and lunch, I spent all my free time in the library hiding from groups of people. People that would be eating. I was withdrawn.
I made it to university, I didn’t get into medicine. I had the grades but got no offers at first. Then I received an interview shortly after results were published (usually interviews are offered before finals and based on the condition you get the grades needed). This was my one shot. Unfortunately, I had a panic attack in the interview and left. I went with my second choice instead, no interview was required. I felt like a failure. I had failed. Living alone (away from parents) meant my ED was in full force now. I could avoid eating all together, I could binge and purge whenever and self harm. I remember my flatmate asking me one drunken night about an entire tub of ice cream that had gone and I told her. Her response was you’re not that skinny so it’s okay. I was shook, lol. I had terrible anxiety, which just got worse. I struggled to make friends. Lectures made me panic, too many people. I saw a doctor for depression/anxiety but avoided telling them about my ED, I didn’t want them to make me stop. I tried medication but it just got worse, I said my goodbyes but was then taken to the hospital. I was referred to a psychiatrist who told me I had BPD. I started stronger medication, antipsychotics and they really messed me up. I got worse, withdrew from all friendships (they always wanted to go out and eat or drink, but that was too many calories). I threw myself into studying and passed all my exams. I was never overweight or underweight during this time (compared to my gymnast days) but my eating was very disordered.
Back home, again. Struggling to get a job because interviews made me panic, how am I meant to say you should pick me, when I feel like shit? I would overdose a couple more times (I don’t know how I’m here), got treated in the hospital, all without nobody knowing. I would overdose and then go to work like nothing happened. I still felt like a failure, I wasn’t using my degree. Life felt empty, boring. What was the point? I had to do this for another 50+ years? No thank you. Tried all kinds of medications but nothing seemed to work or I would gobble them all up and then not have anymore so would just have to withdraw. I finally got a job with my degree but was so depressed, I stopped going, I didn’t get out of bed. I had an argument with my mom, I got kicked out and overdosed in my car. I was vomiting the pills up (they were so bitter) and was taken to hospital after talking to a suicide hotline. This was the first time she found out. I moved in with my brother and felt insanely guilty, a burden on him. He had a daughter too, my niece, and I didn’t want to affect her. He is so kind, I remember him making tea for me and my niece and there were no arguments at the dinner table. He is very athletic/health conscious too, and didn’t have any binge foods around the house. I never b/p during this time but still restricted. I managed to get myself together and got a job. It was the first job I could hold down. I saved up and got my own place. I stayed in that role for 7 years. I did have times when I would relapse binge-purge-restrict but I truly think that job saved my life in a way. I felt valued, I was helping other people. I opened up to my coworkers a little and they shared their experiences with SA and eating disorders (I never told them about mine, I couldn’t talk about it, but they helped me so much by being open and kind). A coworkefriend once told me how I looked so much healthiehappier now and that I was too thin when I started (it didn’t trigger me, she was being nice). She probably doesn’t remember but she had noticed. Sure my family was always commented how I was skinny, but nobody else ever said anything. Someone had noticed.
I recently looked at some old photos from Covid times and was shocked how swollen my cheeks and face was. I went through a period of being very bulimic. b/p every day (I would puke into a bucket in the shower until it was almost full) a particularly low point was when I was actually b/p at work or in public toilets. It has always been something I’d done at home. I was still depressed. Eventually, I started looking into psychedelics and it did help a little however things were bad where I lived, my neighbours were bullying me over parking, which just escalated for no reason, they would spit on my door and damage my car, which affected me quite a bit. Other neighbours had moved out because of them. After Covid, I moved into my car. It was cramped lol. I moved back to my mums after a panic attack. I remember going to a hen do with my friends from high school. Alcohol and not being able to relate to any of them (and being back home) triggered me badly. I overdosed. My mom found me and called the ambulance. I remember the paramedics gasping at my body, I was bones and felt proud about it. I escaped the hospital and carried on. I did see another psychiatrist who I told about my ED. The medical notes make me laugh, I told her my weight as being 60KG I have no idea why or what I weighed, I’m 5’7 and she comments something like ‘unlikely, pt wearing baggy jumper, eating disorder’ ah confirmation at last. It’s not in my head?
Found myself a new place and here I am. I haven’t b/p for 3 years now, I’m 30, but I have taken up smoking and barely eat. Im struggling to find joy in anything lately. Talking to other people is hard. My weight is dropping fast and that feels good. I think I’m always a bit curious how much I can lose, sometimes I just seem to ‘recover’ and eat relatively normal. I still feel like a failure and unloveable/unlikeable. I don’t have any friends (there are people who talk to me but I never know why, I think I fear rejection and being hurt). I just don’t feel connected to anything except my ED, it’s the only thing that comforts me. I haven’t been intimate with anyone since being SA’d and just feel too embarrassed about it, embarrassed about my body in general, if I’m a normal weight I feel too fat, if I’m underweight I feel too boney. The worst part is that people are so much nicer to me when I’m restricting. It fucks with my head. I’m just kind of waiting to die in a way, I don’t feel sad about it. It’s easier to carry on doing what I’m doing than to attempt again. I’m scared it won’t work or I’ll end up in a worse position. I also don’t want to upset my family.
Idk maybe you can relate? Does any of this make sense. I’m not very articulate sorry, but that felt good to get off my chest.

I’m a straight guy who’s 6ft1 and kinda built but I have a young looking face. For some reason I get approached by gay guys who say I look 16 and there’s no way I’m in my 20s then they proceed to make me uncomfortable when I try to leave. I said I had a gf at the time and he said there’s no way because I look young then he continues to touch me everywhere. My friends walked away and said I was just imagining what happened and it happened differently when they weren’t there for this guy to touch me. I tried to scare him off but he was drunk so it didn’t work. My friend said I should be happy that a guy hit on me and touched me???? Like I’m not skinny or short I just have a young face
Then I posted my dating profile on tinder and hinge saying I’m interested in girls but guys would dm me saying I’m not the ugliest person now show them my body, or guys asking if I’m a virgin because I look young and innocent????, then saying the things they’d do to me, asking for my thigh pics and nsfw pics. Ive been asked if I had chest hair and that’s hot and I should grow facial hair because they think it’s hot. Some comments were really creepy and I don’t even find myself attractive I have body dysmorphia and hate my body. All my dating photos I have clothes on. I just wanted advice from a girls perspective. Maybe I shouldn’t post my pics for a review they were just normal photos with my dogs and stuff
So do you guys get any weird dms from guys? I know girls get heaps but I don’t see men saying they do
I’ve never posted anything nsfw
This should probably go on rants idk where to post it I just want to ask
Why are guys creepy
I don’t want to grow facial hair because I hate it. Is there anything I can do to avoid these, where can I ask for dating profile pic reviews

Person (woman, I am male) friend requests me on Facebook. Their profile says they are from my area and I thought I knew them, so I accept. Messages me a day or so later, saying hey, just small talk. I figured this was a scam and I asked what they want, they say nothing just thought I'm good looking and what to chat.
I still figure it's a scam so I keep going since I have some IT skills and I like to mess with scammers. Long story short, she gets kind of ... aggressive? and says she would have sex with me, etc. So I ask for a pic of her, and tell her I will send a link to some pics of me. Link is actually infected with an IP Tracker, which they do end up clicking.
Oddly, they are in the USA, a few states over. I say hey, where are you located now.. and they say the location from which the IP is logging in from. Never seen this before. I never sent any photos of myself but obviously there are many on my FB page. She still asked for a selfie since the link didn't work. The pic she sent me was PG-13 but pretty "sexy" and looked just like the girl who owns this profile. Hasn't asked for money or anything but I have never in my years seen a woman go from HI how are you to, oh I'd do you, within 15 or 20 IM exchanges.
The profile definitely seems weird, like at one point it was hacked after being normal for some time. I noted this, and she said that she had to delete her FB for a long time and just recently came back. I asked why she found me and she said she was searching for somebody with my same first name. I'm so confused, because any scam I've been on the end of, they either have HORRIBLE English grammar, or they get to the chase pretty fast.
Has anyone had something like this happen? What is the chance this is actually a young woman randomly chatting me up, by mistake? I'm obviously insanely skeptical but the IP thing has me so lost.

In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love

I am 13 weeks pregnant my boyfriend shows me zero affection, last night I asked him if he could hug me for 10 minutes everyday without being on his phone he says he can't do that because his phone is his comfort. Once he is not sleeping he's on his phone even when it's charging. I saw a 3d scan of the baby yesterday and I found out the gender. When I should him the scan of the baby the first thing he said was the baby looks like an alien. I found out we are having a boy but he wanted a girl he told his mom he's disappointed. I feel all alone, I cry everyday, I feel stupid for getting pregnant for him and I feel like a failure. I am tired of the back and forth with him and because he knows that I won't be able to manage financially without him he treats me any way he wants to. I went through his phone saw that he was texting this girl. She said that she'll be close by where he lives next week and he said he'll see her then. I don't know if I should be worried or this is just a lost cause. I am so tired of this.

In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love

First, I had to compete with redheads. After you told me on our date that you preferred redheads, I became insecure with my boring dark hair. A few weeks later, it got worse when I found your secret Reddit account. All those adoring comments you left on pr0n subreddits dedicated to redhead girls. All that attention you gave them that I would never get. You’d give me a little attention here and there to keep me interested… to keep me deluded into thinking I actually stood a chance. But you’d always ghost me again. Then come back. Then ghost me again. A sickening cycle. And for some reason I still feel for it. When you asked me to go on another date, I had false hope. I was so excited. Until that night came, and you stood me up. I sent a text. You text back “Oh sorry but I’m out of state right now visiting someone.” Little did I know at that time that you were seeing your girlfriend who I had no idea about. A blonde. Once again, my dark hair wasn’t good enough.
Will I ever be good enough for anyone?

I (28m) used to be best friends with this girl, “S” (29f) from grade 2 until I was 22 years old (that was when we last saw each other). Her parents ran a Korean restaurant, and I have so many fond memories of eating there with her. S and I were close enough that when we were really young, we promised to marry each other when we got older lol. It was that kind of relationship.
Starting from when I was in high school, until around my second year of college, I became a bit of a creep. I knew that it was wrong to touch girls without their consent, but I just thought it was “mildly” wrong, rather than being a genuine, disturbing violation. I didn’t think it was wrong to ogle girls, I thought I was being “funny” when I said sexual things to them, etc etc. I don’t know how, but I just happened to fly under the radar; between the ages of 14-18, when I was REALLY acting out, I still don’t remember getting any warnings or getting into trouble from my authority figures and teachers. And unfortunately, I took out some of my perversions on S during this time. I leered at her a lot and made a lot of sexual comments about her. One time, when I was in my freshman year of college, I groped her breasts; this was the only time I laid my hands on her. It's important to note, however, that I didn't act out on her nearly as much as I did to other girls, because I thought she was too dear to me to treat her that way on a regular basis. The last communication she had with me was 6 years ago, when she asked me via Facebook “yo…are you okay?” I didn’t respond to that message.
I grew up A LOT ever since I went to college. With all that being said, I admit that I am still sexually attracted to S, and I look up her Facebook photos frequently (not that it really hurts her; what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her). I miss her so much, and I still remember that silly childhood marriage promise that we made with each other. She never posts anything angsty on her Facebook or social media, which I’m hoping means that she’s not as traumatized as I fear she is. If I reach out to her and ask her out for some coffee, would that be a good idea?

Hello im 16m going into junior year at my hs and I met a girl in geom (16f) 1 month ago and immediately developed a crush on her. She's all the things and recently I got her number! We have been talking for a while now and at first we both were both on fire asking questions and getting to know each other. She's doing VB and I'm in band (trombone). Recently tho about a week ago I told her how I felt and she felt the same way but wanted to continue getting to know me and didn't want to date yet. I respected it and didn't bother it again, but our once firey conversations have died. Maybe because shes a vb superstar and shes doing D1 vb stuff everyday or she lost interest (weekends are better). Im lost because now I'm trying to keep the convo alive. We talk at school a lot but I usually approach her unless in class where I'm her go to partner every time. Its just that I don't wanna have to be the one who is always trying to keep it alive because its tearing me apart. Im losing interest and I don't know if I want to keep striving for attention. I'm thinking about letting it go and moving on is that foolish should I stay in this? Im falling head over heels but I'm getting my butt kicked at the same time by hormones. Idk what to do. Am I a fool? Should I stop while I'm ahead?

Hey so I’m asking this girl to a promposal, and she loves Real Madrid just as much as me. I already thought about one but any other idea helps! Thanks

Hi, 26F here and my husband is 26M. No kids. Trigger warning for details of verbal/threats of physical abuse. We've been married since we were 22. I'm posting partly because I feel like I need solidarity/confirmation that it's as bad as it feels.
I've been reading online about abuse and I see a lot of posts about frequent, repetitive instances of abuse. My situation isn't quite like that, but rather he has now had two instances of "blowing up" where he "gets pushed over the edge" (his words, definitely reversing the blame there) and will go on for hours where he's yelling at me, calling me names, and generally demeaning and insulting me personally. It's pretty traumatic and I basically just disassociate and wait for him to be done. I never name call or yell back.
The first time it happened, it was in response to something I did. Basically I shared some details about our relationship with a friend, and he found out. He had asked me before to keep our business between him and I, so he felt very disrespected. I did later apologize for this, I can understand that not everyone needs to know our details and I am okay with respecting this ask, I just slipped up. This disrespect sent him over the edge and he spent somewhere from 1-2 hours straight yelling at me, repeatedly calling me a stupid b*tch and c*nt, and he went through in detail all the things he hates about my personality- insulting my hobbies and interests and so on. Just all around attacks on me and my character. While it was happening I had it fixed in my mind to leave, because obviously he didn't like me very much anymore and also name-calling was something I had previously set as a hard boundary. However, after things calmed down of course it's hard to walk away. He eventually apologized, reflected on his behavior and said it wouldn't happen again.
The second time it happened it was about 6 months later. This time I didn't do anything wrong per se. I had a moment of jealousy: I thought he was getting a little too friendly/flirty with another girl at the bar, and I told him my feelings were hurt about it. He denied and denied and denied, and eventually left me at the bar. I was pissed at being abandoned, and I walked home alone, and when I got home I tried to explain to him why it was so hurtful to me. At some point again something in him snapped. He let himself call me a b*tch and from there it just spirals, calling me every name possible, he tells me to go f*ck somebody new, "leave me I don't even care," and worst of all he repeatedly threatened s*ic*de. It was horrible. Again this lasted for over an hour. Oh and also this time he punched a countertop, a door, and I had been packing for a trip and he threw my open suitcase across the room and threw my clothes across the room. At one point I also got in his way and he did make physical contact with me- I don't think he was trying to hit me but ya know does it really matter lol. Also we have pets and he had no regard for what happened to them in this moment. After he fell asleep I had the pets all packed up and everything to get the heck out of there, but the threats of harm and the fear of being alone and confronting the situation stopped me. I stayed.
A few hours after that he came to me and instead of apologizing he said "there's no justification for my actions but also I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't pushed to my very breaking point" right right
Then a few days later he finally texted me and said "there's no excuse or justification for my actions. can you help me find a therapist?" I want to believe he is serious about changing but there's just so much negative stuff that I feel myself just sort of checking out.
Outside of the outright abuse, the pattern in our relationship recently is that whenever I have an issue and try to bring it up, he denies, and then attacks me in some way by saying I'm too sensitive, and then will use that as a chance to go on long monologues about all the problems I cause in the relationship and the problems I have. I've voiced this to him but he keeps doing it. So I also feel like my issues don't matter and that I'm expected to just sit pretty and be happy.
It's sort of like, though, that I see the "abuse" version of him as somebody else, not his true self, and I just let myself forget it and keep going and hope it doesn't happen again. He was abused and has other issues, and I really do just feel bad for him. Because I can see him become embarrassed with the way he acts and I can't imagine feeling that level of shame/remorse. I don't want my guy to feel that way so I tell myself if I love him through it then he doesn't have to feel that way. IDK and when I think about leaving I can't help but think about pissing off his family. I'm SO scared of what people will think of me. Can I be happy in this situation again? Can he love me and also treat me like this? Does it matter that it's only happened 2 times? I know nobody can answer these questions for me but any insight is appreciated.

I still miss him. I was 20f and he was 27. I moved far away for a few months and we met on Bumble. We talked about Pokémon to break the ice. He was my dream guy. My perfect match. He was a recovering addict that smoked cigarettes and weed 24/7. Yea it's silly, but he changed the direction of my life.
He cradled me, he kissed me on the forehead, he held my hand in public, we watched fireworks together, he let me pick his brain, and he reassured me. As much as I needed him to.
It was the most raw and passionate I've ever felt. I felt so loved. He indulged me. We had the same scent. He was so sexy and he thought I was sexy.
Part of me knew I'd never see him again, so I asked for some of his belongings. He happily obliged. A musty wife-beater with his musk, an old work t-shirt with a naked anime woman from his past job at a sex shop, a The Flaming Lips tour shirt, a drawing from school that took inspiration from The Silversun Pickups album art, along with a note he left for me and the roach of the last joint we shared together.
The last night we shared together at the condo I was staying in I told him I loved him at the end of our lovemaking. He told me he loved me too. That was the only time we said our I love you's. It hurt that I couldn't get any closer to him. We cuddled and slept all night and he helped me pack for my trip back home. He ended up letting me stay at his home one more night. The next day I drove him to work. I told him goodbye and that I will miss him. I asked for him to wait for me and he said he would. He closed the door and I started crying. He came around to my side of the car and gave me a long kiss, and then a tender kiss on my forehead to set me free. I drove hundreds of miles home.
We talked here and there on a short video messaging app. Our contact ended completely when I shaved my head at the beginning of last year. I still have the app, and I can still see our old videos. Every once in a while I will go back to that app after I dream of him to make sure he is still living, as morbid as that sounds. I hope that one day he will send me a video. He was active today.
I know he's seen other girls after me. There's no way he hasn't. It doesn't hurt me and I don't know why. I've tried dating after him and I've even tried hooking up with someone, like we had the first time we met in person. It's never been the same. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if he feels that way too.
I still love him. If he finds this I don't care. Yea if it was one-sided this could be pretty creepy. I'm sorry for this. I've never told anyone the full story of our time together, and it's just been bubbling inside of me. I have no real friends to gush over you to, and to reminisce to. Sorry about posting it on reddit. I hope you can forgive me. I still love you.

Malcolm's heart pounds through the design of a moth circling a lit candle on his black t-shirt. The morning sun creeps over the horizon. Saturating his pallor skin with blood orange rays. Malcolm’s short auburn hair flits in the wind.The crimson clouds overhead appear as if the sky is bleeding. Malcolm peers ahead. The straight path before him. a cruel joke. It's a relentless reminder of the unyielding grip his past has on him. Each step a battle against the anxiety dragging him back into the darknessHeavy-eyed, he gazes upon the looming hotel. Parking in the parking lot, illuminated by a lonely streetlight. The air, thick with the scents of morning dew and urine. An assault on the senses. Ahead, cowers a young lady. Her face, bearing too much rouge. Her delicate jawline, framed by red hair, though it's now past its prime. Her attire speaks of success, but the swollen left eye betrays her. Short red skirt. Black fishnet stockings over long. Thin legs, her feet fight to fit into petite black high heels. a faded sky blue tank-top. Christened with a spattering of fresh blood—amongst other fluids.Her current trick is an arrogant punk with tall, drooping shoulders. He wears an ire-filled smile and an unkempt goatee. His cue ball head reflects the streetlight. Revealing his ugly dark-blue Dickies covered in grease. As well as With his open, garish work shirt, exposing a red wife-beater. Sean managed to embody everything Malcolm found repulsive. A name tag hangs off the punk’s shirt like a crooked portrait: Sean.Scumbags like Sean are a tempting meal. Malcolm’s mouth waters. He tries to look away. Bang! Malcolm snaps his head up. His eyes find the streetwalker as she rolls off the hood of a shitty muscle car—no doubt Sean’s. A smart man would mind his own business. When a man has an opportunity for pleasure. it's hard to resist. Malcolm is an anomaly and anything but “smart”.The air crackles with tension as Sean's words slice through. “The fuck you want?”Give me a reason. The thought chants in Malcolm’s head. A surge of anger courses through Malcolm. his muscles tense with the urge to retaliate, but beneath the surface, fear gnaws at him. .Sean steps up to Malcolm. Within seconds, they stand eye-to-eye. “Mind your own business, man,” Sean says."Is this really worth it?" the girl asks, her voice tinged burdened with pain.Give me a reason. The thought continues to chant in Malcolm’s head. With each word. the atmosphere grows heavier, suffocating Malcolm with a sense of dread. He struggles to keep his composure, his thoughts an eye in the storm.“I will fuck you up.” Sean says.Give me a reason.The girl buckles as she tries to get back up.. Sean kicks her. “Stay down, bitch!” The sight of Sean's violence against the girl sends a jolt of hunger through Malcolm. His blood boils as he watches her struggle.“Fuck off.” Sean lobs a fist at Malcolm; to Sean’s pupils are pins, Malcolm allows it to connect.His lip split, Malcolm tastes the familiar rush of life filling his mouth. pain explodes through his senses, followed by a rush. It's a familiar sensation, one that ignites a fire. Action beats from Malcolm’s heart to his limbs. Joy washes over him. Sean’s eyes widen, his true cowardice reveals itself now that trouble flashes in front of his eye.Malcolm gives him a cheerful grimace and spits out “Thank you.”

So, I dated this girl about 3 years ago, and I was in love. Still haven’t been in love like that since. So, three years ago she went away for a weekend, and when she got back in town she didn’t talk to me for over 24 hours. When she did talk to me, she was cold and distant, and I knew a break up was impending. She broke up with me saying that she needed to work on herself and she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and what not. A few weeks later my friends are sending me screenshots from a Facebook page of a friend of my exes. Who was on that weekend with her. Long story short, she had cheated. I asked her if that’s what happened and she denied it, and I haven’t talked to her since. So, I recently learn that she is to get married to this guy, in the same place their relationship started, where my ex went on her weekend away. Where she cheated on me, with this guy.
And it’s just hitting really hard. I’ve been crying over this like as if the break up just happened and I was learning the truth of her lies and cheating all over again. The worst part is, I am seeing someone right now and now I’m worried that maybe I wasn’t ready to move on after her. But it’s been 3 years … Anyone else been in a position like this?

I've been dating this girl for around 6 months or so now. She seems great. Same values, Christian like me (actual Christian not one of those outlier cults lol), and so on. Only few issues are that she's somewhat Catholic and I'm protestant. When I say somewhat, I mean she doesn't really practice the dogmas or stick to them, she's super laxed and is willing to find a protestant church with me and eventually raise kids in that environment. So it mostly comes down to slightly differing beliefs here or there and she goes to mass once in a while, but she agrees with me on how salvation works and the essentials, and practically in regard to raising children. Another thing is she can't have kids, so we would have to adopt. I'm unsure how I feel about that. I've always wanted to have kids someday and be a dad but been thinking about that a lot lately. Perhaps adoption could be great, but that's a tall order that I'm wrestling with. Aand lastly, she's about to leave for a job out of country for 7 months. She's interested in keeping the relationship going over long distance (she said we can have our weekly dates over FaceTime or phone and keep messaging and she won't cheat on me or anything) and said she'll be back by Christmas. That's like half a year away though, and I just wonder if it's worth it. Part of me is worried about the passing of time. I'll be 30 in a little over a year and I guess am concerned about "missing the mark" as I get older. (If that makes sense) If ever I need to end things, I won't be able to do it in person face to face after she leaves, so been trying to figure things out. We haven't been able to really do anything together since we made things official a month ago or so. Haven't really found a church together yet or met each other's families or so the "real her" in different environments etc. it's just been dinner and coffee dates, and seeing each other at Bible study pretty much. I'm so confused lately and have a history of overthinking, so my vision could be very cloudy one way or another. I want to be able to hear from God to see what he would have me do but I'm just not sure how. When he's speaking vs my own thoughts, and reading scripture doesn't specify as to specific circumstances such as this one. And people I ask advice from say different things. So I'm puzzled.

If it's meant to be, will it happen again?

I am F24, he is M27
It's been exactly 1 week since we broke up. I'll explain the process of the break up and then the relationship.
If this is you, my yeot, reading this, please don't.
Though we have brought up the idea of breaking up many times, this is the only time we have walked through with it. 5 weeks ago, after a hard day, after a long talk of wanting some things changed, it ended with him saying we're not compatible and should break up. I begged him to stay. After a few days we agreed to go on a 3 week break instead, to think things through, re-evaluate, give the relationship the best shot, as he would say. In the 3 weeks, we still contacted, I even went to see his family in another state, he met up with my dad as well. Then we went NC for 9 days, and we met up for the final discussion. We discussed all the things that could change. But in the end, his gut feeling told him to break it off. I could see his denial, I could feel mine. But then that was it, the end. I had told him it didn't feel like the last goodbye, he told me it wasn't...but how could it not be, if we're breaking up?
After a few days of that break up, a friend of mine told me a possible episode of emotional cheating from his part. I called and confronted him. I only want to remember him by the good memories, I wanted to hear his side of the story. He denied it. Said that there would be no use in lying anyways, I feel like deep down, when that supposed event occurred, he was still too deeply in love with me to have done anything like that. He told me that when he was with me then he was very satisfied and happy. He then thanked me for helping him out of his dark times and for making him a better person. I thanked him for breaking up with me, because in the end this is a lesson I needed to learn. I told him that if we're meant to be, our paths will merge again. He said that his mum said the same. We bid our goodbyes and that was it.
So the relationship.
I met him after I had broken up with my previous ex, then we became friends. Our chemistry was amazing, there was never an awkward moment together. He was going through a very hard time with depression and bad thoughts. In his words, I had saved him. We continued to be friends and our hands seemed to long for each other, but we denied it at first. We even made a marriage pact, because we said deep down it felt like we're meant to be. Then after some time we started to, I guess we get into a situationship. He desperately wanted more, asked me out everyday for a month, until by luck we started dating. By luck because he made a bet with me, if our golf balls from the dispenser came out the same colour, I would be his girlfriend. I thought it would be fun and agreed. When the balls came out pink, he screamed and jumped up and down.
We went on so many adventures, so many nights spent up late together. We would tell each other that we have the rest of our lives together, that we needn't rush a thing.
Then life started throwing difficulties at us. 1st one, his friends disagreed with us. Said that it was either me or them. He chose me. 2nd His best friend had potentially landed him in jail due to possible fraud, he loses a lot of money. We get over that. 3rd my mental health deteriorated due to familial issues. He helped me, let me into his house and looked after me. I stayed there for 6 months until he had to focus on his final medical exam. 4th and biggest hurdle, during that stay his ex contacted me, as a girl. She was someone he met online and was in a relationship with for 1 year. They have never met. Exposed me to a side of him I never knew existed. Told me he had cheated on her with me. Told me that he had a long history of cheating. That was one of the hardest night of my life. I screamed and cried. He denied it at first until he couldn't anymore. He desperately wanted to run away from that part of his life. I decided to stay. I loved him too much to not. I still do. We then tried for the next year to mend the relationship from that, build the trust back. It was horrible. She then contacted me again, claiming that he had cheated on me with his ex when he went back interstate to visit his family, said that she had proof, but would never give me any proof. She had an ulterior motive of having me check is he had deleted her nudes. That once again broke my heart. Still I chose to stay, her words didn't seem sincere, it also didn't make sense.
He decided to stay in the state I live in hopes that when I graduate we would move to his. It was a hard decision for him since he so frequently feels homesick.
Over time, I finally for the first time in my life, felt ok. I stopped yearning for death. He helped me see the beauty in the world, and the beauty of being alive. Hope for the future.
Then came the next year of the relationship. He starts working. Very long hours ranging from 12 to 16. This was hard. He also had to work rural for 3 months, twice. I wanted more of his time, time he couldn't give me. I wanted more of his attention, attention he couldn't give me. We fought almost weekly. Reaching the first of his proposed break up, that it wasn't working. After a few hours of talking, he said he wanted to try still. This was 6 months before now. We tried out best, to work it out. But this is where we are now.
I had many wrongs in the relationship. I had not been supportive. I was not considerate. But also, I do believe we really are, at this moment anyway, not compatible. Too immature, too volatile, too scared, too insecure. I had made him feel insecure by trying to leave many times at the start. He had made me feel insecure with his words and the few times he had tried to break up.
We both agreed that what we had was special.
Maybe after some time apart, our relationship can rest and start from a new beginning. Maybe we’ll be more mature, better, maybe we’ll both decide to fully commit to each other. Sadly, we may also never meet again. That idea makes me want to puke. I hope that in another world the forever we talked about happens.
I feel sick thinking about a forever without him. I can only wish that we are meant to be and that we will be again.
I want to contact him. I know I shouldn't.
Does anyone have any advice, insight, experience, or opinions? Please share with me.
TLDR: We broke up due to incompatibilities with current level of maturity. Will he come back? How to let go of what felt like such a special relationship?

hey people!!
Matched with this cute girl over bumble who replied fairly quickly. Our outlook towards dating was similar, and she was interested in meeting up. the chat was good (she was replying quickly, no single word answers, asking questions, all in all great time) next day evening she suddenly stopped replying, later ended chat on bumble (although still connected over Insta where majority chat took place). no replies for over 2 days although she used to be online many times. I tried asking her about meeting on the weekend. No reply. Even when I sent the message when she was online. So I thought she was disinterested and unsent the chat and texted her that she and I might be looking for different things and I would pursue this no further. Immediately she replied saying she was very really busy and it was sad that I thought it won't work out.
Although we ended things, the way the last line was phrased made me think that I jumped the gun and should have been more patient with her. as someone who started dating 1 year ago at 28. I have no clue how all this works. any advice??
TLDR: ended things with a girl I matched but her reply made it seem like I jumped the gun. any advice?

I've been dating this girl for around 6 months or so now. She seems great. Same values, Christian like me (actual Christian not one of those outlier cults lol), and so on. Only few issues are that she's somewhat Catholic and I'm protestant. When I say somewhat, I mean she doesn't really practice the dogmas or stick to them, she's super laxed and is willing to find a protestant church with me and eventually raise kids in that environment. So it mostly comes down to slightly differing beliefs here or there and she goes to mass once in a while, but she agrees with me on how salvation works and the essentials, and practically in regard to raising children. Currently she's kind of a church hopper and hasn't faithfully gone to a specific church or gotten involved in one, so wondering if that'd be a red flag or not. Another thing is she can't have kids, so we would have to adopt. I'm unsure how I feel about that. I've always wanted to have kids someday and be a dad but been thinking about that a lot lately. Perhaps adoption could be great, but that's a tall order that I'm wrestling with. Aand lastly, she's about to leave for a job out of country for 7 months. She's interested in keeping the relationship going over long distance (she said we can have our weekly dates over FaceTime or phone and keep messaging and she won't cheat on me or anything) and said she'll be back by Christmas. That's like half a year away though, and I just wonder if it's worth it. Part of me is worried about the passing of time. I'll be 30 in a little over a year and I guess am concerned about "missing the mark" as I get older. (If that makes sense) If ever I need to end things, I won't be able to do it in person face to face after she leaves, so been trying to figure things out. We haven't been able to really do anything together since we made things official a month ago or so. Haven't really found a church together yet or met each other's families or so the "real her" in different environments etc. it's just been dinner and coffee dates, and seeing each other at Bible study pretty much. I'm so confused lately and have a history of overthinking, so my vision could be very cloudy one way or another. I want to be able to hear from God to see what he would have me do but I'm just not sure how. When he's speaking vs my own thoughts, and reading scripture doesn't specify as to specific circumstances such as this one. And people I ask advice from say different things. So I'm puzzled.

I (28m) used to be best friends with this girl, “S” (29f) from grade 2 until I was 22 years old (that was when we last saw each other). Her parents ran a Korean restaurant, and I have so many fond memories of eating there with her. S and I were close enough that when we were really young, we promised to marry each other when we got older lol. It was that kind of relationship.
Starting from when I was in high school, until around my second year of college, I became a bit of a creep. I knew that it was wrong to touch girls without their consent, but I just thought it was “mildly” wrong, rather than being a genuine, disturbing violation. I didn’t think it was wrong to ogle girls, I thought I was being “funny” when I said sexual things to them, etc etc. I don’t know how, but I just happened to fly under the radar; between the ages of 14-18, when I was REALLY acting out, I still don’t remember getting any warnings or getting into trouble from my authority figures and teachers. And unfortunately, I took out some of my perversions on S during this time. I leered at her a lot and made a lot of sexual comments about her. One time, when I was in my freshman year of college, I groped her breasts; this was the only time I laid my hands on her. It's important to note, however, that I didn't act out on her nearly as much as I did to other girls, because I thought she was too dear to me to treat her that way on a regular basis. The last communication she had with me was 6 years ago, when she asked me via Facebook “yo…are you okay?” I didn’t respond to that message.
I grew up A LOT ever since I went to college. With all that being said, I admit that I am still sexually attracted to S, and I look up her Facebook photos frequently (not that it really hurts her; what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her). I miss her so much, and I still remember that silly childhood marriage promise that we made with each other. She never posts anything angsty on her Facebook or social media, which I’m hoping means that she’s not as traumatized as I fear she is. If I reach out to her and ask her out for some coffee, would that be a good idea?