Methylphenidate how to snort

British uni student. Before I got medicated for it from a doctor, I started self treating myself with cocaine. I didn't snort the cocaine but rather took put set dosages in oral capsules and took it that way. It helped somewhat but it doesn't last long, I took two 30mg doses a day. Also sometimes made me sleepy and relaxed as opposed to productive.
By the way cocaine is really inefficient and expensive especially orally so do not recommend.
Then I stopped with the cocaine and got prescribed methylphenidate. Again, helped somewhat in the beginning, but gave me terrible comedowns, even the extended release doesn't last much longer than the cocaine, and eventually the effectiveness wore off quickly.
Then after my final drug I tried, I realised there might just be no hope for me. After nothing else worked, I then decided to try dextromethamphetamine. Dextromethamphetamine is not prescribed here so had to acquire it illicitly of course. I was initially scared to take it as I heard all the stories as to how it is the most dangerous drug and turns you into a psychotic paranoid maniac and gets you hooked straight away.
I carefully weighed out the doses, took 10 mg dextromethamphetamine and waited anxiously. For the first hour it was actually somewhat more effective than methylphenidate. Similar to cocaine but felt more natural and smooth. I was expecting it to last all day, as again the horror stories say people have been up for a week straight after taking too much methamphetamine.
Nope. After about an hour of productivity, I felt the same again, in fact felt the paradoxical relaxing effects again. I decided to redose. Again, I was scared. Am I an addict already? Took another dose. Nothing. Couple hours later again, nope. Oh and I topped it up with a dose of methylphenidate too. Nothing.
I didn't even want to redose. Had no desire to. I hesitantly did as it wasn't working. Completely useless. Definitely didn't feel any euphoria.
So to sum that up, 30mg of dextromethamphetamine and 36mg methylphenidate did almost nothing.
So yeah, everything is useless. I am honest with my psych about trying drugs illicitly. He is very understanding and warns me about safety. I kept a diary of my mood and productivity on the different drugs summarised below.
Cocaine:
Desired positives: increased focus and energy. No bad withdrawals.
Unintended positives: Mild improvement in mood and confidence.
Negatives: Expensive, doesn't last long.
Methylphenidate:
Desired positives: initially Increased focus, mild increase in energy.
Unintended positives: mild improvement in mood and confidence
Negatives: Sometimes really bad withdrawals, doesn't last long. Stopped working as well.
Dextromethamphetamine:
Desired positives: Very smooth and effective increase in drive to do work. Very cheap.
Unintended positives: Mild improvement in mood and confidence.
Negatives: Stopped working quickly.
Told my psych I'm done with drugs. Just finishing my methylphenidate which I hadn't used whilst trialling dextromethamphetamine. Took a dose about half an hour ago. Instead of revising for exams I'm procrastinating by complaining here.
An important thing I've noticed is that I have trouble directing my focus even if the drugs work. There have been times I have 'focused' on video games and porn instead of studying.
I'm wondering if there is any therapy for ADHD which may help with the basic focus which may make drugs more effective?
Psych has currently indicated he wants to start me on dextroamphetamine but if dextromethamphetamine doesn't work, not sure this will.
PS I'm not 100% sure of it was dextromethamphetamine I was taking. I am told most illicitly produced methamphetamine is dextrorotatory but can't be sure. Was planning to buy a polarimeter to check but never did.
Sorry about the long post but don't know what to do. I am currently being treated privately as I am lucky enough to be able to sustain it financially so I'm willing to pay extra for the best doctor or therapist.

‘03 Altima by Spose reverberates from the rolled-down windows of my grandma beige 2001 Nissan Altima. I yell in time to the lyrics throwing counterfeit gang signs out the window, without so much as a single thought towards public decency, I pass row upon row of townhomes. Each home is perched atop its one-car garage with a shallow wooden deck protruding above the garage and front doors. Arriving at my usual parking space next to the dumpster and across from the last row of townhomes in the neighborhood, I finally crank the volume dial on the stereo to the left from deafening to a borderline courteous level. After a quick check of my hair in the rearview mirror ensuring it hasn't moved from its glued and hairsprayed perfection I proceed to the front door of the second home from the right. At the door I straighten my leather jacket and brush off my jeans, Brooke and I are still in the honeymoon phase so when we are together she wears lingerie and I dress punk chic and do my hair. A few seconds after my knock I’m greeted by my girlfriend Brooke bouncing the 18-month-old whom she nannies on her hip.
“Hey babe, how are you?” I say after a quick peck on her lips, then turning to the toddler I tickle her under her arm saying, “And how have you been Maddy? Have you been good for Brooke today?”
Maddy looks at me without even a hint of a smile, the resentment in her eyes speaks volumes, “Not you again, you junkie son of a bitch I'm tired of you cutting in with my nanny friend.”
“Wow, she's not having it with you today. What did you do last week?” Brooke chuckles as we head up the stairs to the main floor.
“I dunno, but she sure isn't happy to see me,” I reply as we settle in together on the cream-colored sectional.
Brooke has been Maddy's nanny since she was 2 months old, and thus far it has been a good gig. 7:30-6:00 Monday through Friday, is the perfect schedule while she lives at home and finishes up her last bit of school. After a couple of months of Brooke and I dating it had become routine on Thursdays for me to come over after I finish my day of spraying neurotoxins in and around people's homes under the guise of pest control, and today is no different. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse plays on the TV and Brooke preps Maddy's dinner while I try my best to entertain the kiddo. I chase her as she toddles away as quickly as she can, her head leading the way, her feet working double time to keep her upright. Around the coffee table, past the stairs and the dining table, then into the kitchen to circle the island and back to the coffee table to repeat the loop. Maddy and I circle through the main floor again and again, stopping only when I catch and tickle her until she squeals like a piglet. After too many laps I stand by the table with my hands on my head catching my breath all while Maddy looks at me expectantly, when Brooke's voice erupts from the kitchen.
“Alright baby girl time for some dinner, why don't you give J a rest.” Says Brooke as she walks past me to pick up Maddy and strap her into her highchair.
“Thanks, babe, I was gonna have to tap out here pretty soon, if only we could harness all that kid energy. Damn near infinite power source right there.” I respond while pointing my finger at Maddy who waves her hands, anxiously awaiting her tray of purees and puffs.
“I'm pretty sure that would be considered child abuse, using your kids for power,” Brooke says with a hint of concern after connecting Maddy's tray to her chair.
“I don't mean putting kids in cages. Just like a device that absorbs kid energy in the walls of houses so when kids are playing and being crazy inside it powers the house and the extra is stored in a battery, like they do with solar. It definitely wouldn't be abuse, just kinda slightly unethical maybe…” I rebut, trailing off as I begin to ponder the ethics of my proposal more deeply.
“Oh yeah, much better, just draining children's life forces while they play in your home to power your TV, laundry machines, dishwasher, and lights. I'm sure the public will love that idea, there are no moral quandaries there... J, sometimes I worry about you.” She replies, drowning each word in a sea of sarcasm.
“Well, there goes my plan to save the planet,” I say with a shrug, returning her sarcastic tone.
We exchange a smile before she returns her attention to Maddy ensuring the pureed fruit and veggies weren't becoming a painting medium. With both Brooke and Maddy preoccupied I move towards the deck to get my nicotine fix. Just before reaching the sliding door, I pivot left on the ball of my foot and casually enter the half bath, sealing myself inside with a press of the button lock on the door handle.
The bathroom is barely sixteen square feet but like a room hidden behind an invisible wall in Doom this place holds my soul spheres. I loudly lift the toilet lid and fiddle with my belt buckle while opening the medicine cabinet to ensure any sound heard beyond the door will validate my time spent here. I tap my feet and feign pooping sounds while silently removing a short wide prescription bottle from the top shelf and a green-capped bottle labeled rosehip supplements. I wrap my hands around the outside of the prescription bottle to mute any rattling and place the rosehips on the back of the toilet. Removing the prescription lid reveals 14 oblong white tablets, Norco 10/325. I smile, even with the Tylenol hydrocodone has always been my favorite of the Codone brothers. Beads of sweat develop across my brow as my next moves mustn't be heard beyond the door. I jingle my belt buckle a couple of times and push down the knob to flush the toilet, at the crescendo of the flush I dump all 14 Norcos into my jeans left pocket.
“Alright, halfway there…” I mutter under my breath, turning the water on in the sink.
The sink reaches equilibrium with a half-inch deep pool of water constantly draining while I open the bottle of rosehip supplements and arrange it next to the empty prescription bottle in my left hand. Placing my right elbow in the stream of water to mimic the sound of washing my hands I transfer 14 oblong rosehip tablets into the prescription bottle. Quickly I cap the bottles taking just a brief moment to inspect the quality of my deception. Through the orange-tinted plastic, the rosehip decoys are almost indistinguishable from actual Norcos. Satisfied with the subterfuge I place the bottles in their respective spots, close the cabinet, and flip the water off.
I emerge from the bathroom satisfied with my haul, the sentinel guards of the opiate ocean have kept me at arm's length for too long, tonight the prodigal son returns home. I close the bathroom door behind me as Brooke turns to look at me, there is a hint of both suspicion and potential concern.
“Everything go alright in there? You look a little sweaty.” She asks sarcastically.
“Smooth as a rock slide…” I retort in jest, motioning over my shoulder with my thumb toward the bathroom door. “You may want to give that a bit.”
“Gross…” Brooke moans with a subtle smirk, turning back to help Maddy finish her dinner.
While her back is turned I slip my left hand in my pocket and scoop up five Norcos while grabbing a glass from the drying rack on the counter and filling it from the sink. Quickly I toss the pills in my mouth and chug down the water. “Back to the promised land,” I mutter under my breath.
Out on the deck I lean against the railing looking out on the neighborhood, puffing on my vape. Each row of townhomes is identical; the only difference is the color of the vinyl siding between each garage and the corresponding front door. Copy and paste neighborhoods like this remind me of where I grew up in the suburbs of California. Where white collar dads work for the man, leave in unison at 8 with a kiss from their wives, and return at 5 to hugs from their children and dinner on the table. I try for a moment to envision myself as a cog in that societal machine; is this where I end up in 15 years? Selling my soul each day to some mega-corporation in exchange for a salary and two weeks vacation per year? Baseball games, dance recitals, the occasional BBQ on the weekends? Mortgages, car loans, scheduling “date” night sex with my wife? Is this all that lies ahead on my life's path?
My head spins and I can feel the anxiety building within me, my future has never been a comforting subject for me. I do my best to focus on the evening sky and breathe deep with my belly. As I do this the anxious pressure in my stomach subsides and Brooke comes through the door bouncing Maddy on her hip.
“Whatcha up to out here babe?” She asks sweetly, coming up to my side and placing her hand on my back.
“Nothing, just looking,” I reply calmly, pressing the button on my vape five times to turn it off and slipping it into my pocket.
“In that case why don't you take little Ms. Maddy and watch for her mommy to come home while I clean up?” She says, offering Maddy into my arms, and hurrying through the sliding glass door.
As I hold Maddy and point at birds, clouds, and trees I feel it approaching. The strain in my back from holding this 19-pound child begins to go numb, and subtle waves of soft warm relaxation begin to lap against me. The tide of the opiate ocean rises through my body, and today's worries and pains fade away as the current tows me far from shore. By the time I see a black Subaru sedan coming up the street, I'm fully immersed in the supple euphoric embrace of the opiate ocean. The Subaru pulls into the driveway as I hold Maddy up and point to it.
“Look Maddy, who's that? Do you know who that is?” I say bouncing her high so she can see her mother emerge from the vehicle and wave.
We come inside and wait at the top of the stairs for Maddie's mother to appear. Once she comes up Maddy immediately demands Mommy hold her and Brooke gives a summary of their day together. After making our exit we sit in my car with the windows down, the cool evening breeze whirls throughout the sedan mixing with the scents of weed, grape Game cigarillos, and sweaty teenage coitus. Brooke has a “girls' night” tonight according to her parents and isn't expected home until tomorrow afternoon and I am the ranking adult of my home. So our only obligation is a half-hearted promise to meet Lucas at family home evening.
The young single adult or YSA ward of the Mormon church has a family home evening activity one night per week for the members to hang out. Of course, these activities intend to create new couples to eventually get married and “graduate” from the YSA ward. Personally, FHE is not a place I have ever gone intending to find a potential wife, however, the activities are often fun and my friends are usually there so I go anyway.
With 45 minutes until FHE begins and our stomachs empty I drive towards Cookout, while Brooke packs my blue and green swirled spoon pipe with some pre-ground bud I keep under the driver's seat. Parked between a lifted Chevy Tahoe and the dumpster we pass the bowl back and forth, skunky purple-tinged smoke billowing from the cracked windows. Now comfortably roasty toasty we walk arm in arm to the window, order our trays, and sit at a picnic table. Brooke zones out on the sky, western clouds burn red and orange with the last fiery vestiges of the day, but subtle streaks of purple and deep indigo signal the moon leading the inevitable march of night from the east.
Looking at the majesty of the heavens I take a brief moment to do inventory. I'm already pleasantly buzzing but soon condescending church leaders and self-righteous peers will require appeasement and jovial conversation, I must prepare. I fiddle with the tablets in my pocket, debating, “2? Or 3? Maybe even 4? No 3, it's dodgeball not a movie night.” I think to myself just before I hear our order number called from the window.
I pop the 3 pills splitting each in two with my front teeth, the bitter taste of acetaminophen coats my tongue before I can get my drink from the pickup window. Immediately after I set down the bag and drinks on the table Brooke rips into her chicken finger tray like a feral beast. She has a habit of forgetting to eat so I'm sure this is much-needed sustenance. My appetite leaves much to be desired and the thought of the pills in my stomach being forced to compete with actual food for absorption is abhorrent, but I eat my burger, quesadilla, and corndog nonetheless.
Once we finish our food Brooke daintily blots her mouth with her napkin like some kind of nobility, though the past 5 minutes of her eating resembled a T-Rex more than the royal family. I gather up our pile of single-use plastic and Styrofoam and stuff it into an already full trash can on our way to my car. In the car, Brooke puts on Headstrong by Trapt while I roast the blackened leftovers in the pipe for one last hit. We pull out of Cookout cruising the bustling suburban streets on our way to FHE.
The clock on the dash reads 7:15 as we pull into the church parking lot. Brooke applies some Victoria's Secret body spray she keeps in my glove box while I roll past the main entrance making a mental tally of who is here by what cars are parked. Finally I eye Lucas's blue 4runner parked on the far side of the building next to my usual spot, I pull in next to it and flip down my mirror. At this point I hardly try to cover the smell of weed on my clothes however I drown my eyes in Visine constantly when high, blood red eyes are difficult to explain away. After quenching our eyes and freshening up Brooke and I pack the weed and the bowl in the Tupperware and stash it under the driver's seat, as nice as they are Mormons can be a nosy bunch.
We walk into the church building right as opening announcements end so we slip right into the stream of people headed to the cultural hall. The cultural hall is separated from the chapel by a faux wood accordion door, with a basketball court painted on the shiny hardwood floor. Tonight the basketball hoops are retracted up to the ceiling since we are playing dodgeball. Whoever is in charge of the activity is MIA, so like everyone else, I look around for some friendly faces. Brooke quickly breaks away to hug someone, once I hear a shrieking “Hey girl!!!” squeal I know I am on my own, but before I can spot Lucas I feel a thick middle-aged hand plant itself firmly on my shoulder. Even before turning around, I know who this meaty paw belongs to, I flip around to face the bishop, a 6’8” early grandpa-type man, casually dressed in jeans and a cranberry red Kirkland brand sweater.
“Hey bishop, how are you doing?” I ask him sticking out my hand for a handshake, my greeting bolstered by opiate confidence.
“J Halston, how have you been? I haven't seen you at church in a few weeks.” He asks, meeting my eye and firmly clasping my hand. His words and demeanor exude an almost fatherly concern for my soul.
“Oh, yeah, I went to my parents' ward, we had some family in town for a couple of weeks.” I lie through a serpent's smile. No way I spent the past two Sundays shooting pilfered oxy and morphine, nodding in and out on the bathroom floor. Nah man, that ain't me.
“Oh, is that right? Well, I'm glad you got to see some family, how's work going? Are you and Lucas still working together?” He says disregarding my blatant lie, hoping I will give him some real insight into my life.
“Yeah, we're still doing pest control, but it's better now cause it's cooled down outside. Plus when it rains nobody wants us to spray so Fall is a good time to do pest control.” I explain to him while my mind fumbles to find an exit.
“Well I'm glad work is going well for you J, if you need help finding contacts for a new job or if you need someone to talk to my door is always open to you J. It's good to see you here.” Bishop says earnestly, patting my shoulder caringly before moving past me to greet a recently engaged couple who just came in.
“Good to be here,” I say with a slight sigh of relief just before he walks past, in a different time I enjoyed talking with the bishop but these days my spiritual well-being is not on my list of priorities.
At that moment the leader of tonight's activity whistles to get everyone's attention and asks us all to line up so they can count us off into two teams. As everyone lines up I join Brooke who stands next to Lucas and his girlfriend Kara, giving Lucas a fist bump and a “what's up” nod. We are counted off into 1's and 2’s and told to pick a team name, Lucas and I are 1’s while Brooke and Kara are 2’s. Our team lacks creativity so when we are asked for our name Lucas yells “Team Team,” which is repeated by me and 3 other men jamming our fists in the air as though Lucas had led a war cry. On the other side of the court, I see Kara and Brooke laugh and shake their heads unsurprised by our outburst, while their team name is written as The Dolphins.
With the teams named and balls set in a line in the center of the court, the game begins, the first team to win three matches will be the champion. Balls fly through the air with the speed of peregrine falcons towards the easy prey, quickly both teams are whittled down to the agile and athletic. I escape the initial onslaught but after a minute I fumble a catch and am out of the game waiting in line to be called back to the battlefield by a successful catch. Team Team and The Dolphins battle back and forth rotating players in and out with each successful hit and catch until only one is left on each team. Cheers of encouragement sound from both teams' sidelines until my teammates and I begin to chant.
“Team team. Team Team! TEAM TEAM!!!” We roar in unison.
Caught off guard by our rally cry the lone player on the Dolphins is hit in the leg as he jumps to doge. With the first win our team charges from the sidelines to the center to celebrate. Jumping and pumping our fists in the air we continue our jubilant chant, “TEAM TEAM! TEAM TEAM!!! YEAH!!!”
After a couple of minutes, we calm down from our victory and are quickly and sternly reminded this is a fun and respectful activity for all, not a competitive tournament, thus our behavior should reflect that. We agree to tone down our competitive aggression and prepare for the next match. The second game begins and proceeds much like the last however it is obvious Team Teams morale is noticeably lower after our chastisement. I get out early on, my throw is caught and I join the line waiting to be called back into play. Before the game ends I slip into the hallway and quickly dash to my car, I can feel my temper becoming volatile as nicotine vacates my brain taking my patience with it. I get to my car and begin puffing away on my vape tapping my fingers on the six hydros left in my pocket.
The high from the first handful I took is beginning to fade and the beast within isn't ready to leave the ocean's warm embrace. I take a rip from my vape and pull 4 of the pills from my pocket when a face appears from the darkness behind Lucas's 4 runner. Like lightning, I shove the pills back and stuff my vape in a pocket of Brooke's bag on the floor of the passenger seat. With panic on my face and a lung full of sweet vapor, Lucas opens the passenger door with a shit-eating grin.
“Hey buddy, whatcha up to?” He asks with a smirk, as I exhale vapor with a sigh.
“Fuckin eh bro, you scared the shit out of me. I thought you were the bishop or someone.” I say retrieving my vape from Brooke's bag and taking a rip, before handing it to him.
“Sorry bro, I saw you leave and I wanted to hit this.” He laughs in reply, holding up my vape.
“Oh also I got my script filled today, you want a couple?” Lucas says through a thick cloud while fishing his hand in his jacket.
“Hell yeah man, thanks! Oh, I got a few Norcos, do you want one?” I reply, again pulling four from my pocket.
Lucas pauses for a moment looking intently at the white oblong tablets in my hand almost in a trance. “No… Nah, man, I don't do that stuff anymore. Had a problem with it a few years back ya know?” He says apprehensively breaking his gaze from the pills and puffing on the vape.
“Alright man. Hey, good for you for recognizing you had a problem and saying no, I'm sure that was hard.” I say, pushing down the guilt for saying something so hypocritical, and promptly swallow the pills.
“Thanks, dude, yeah it never gets any easier but you get stronger, so be careful with that stuff. But we should probably get back in there, we can't just abandon Team Team.” He says now back to his happy-go-lucky self.
“Oh, but here take these,” Lucas says quickly, pouring two 20mg Ritalin from his bottle and handing them to me with my vape.
“Sweet thanks man, oh I've got some good weed if you wanna smoke after FHE,” I reply, placing my vape out of sight and stashing the Ritalin in the breast pocket of my jacket.
We get back to the activity just in time for the tiebreaker game and take our places against the far wall. The game proceeds like all the previous but once both teams are down to one player each Lucas and I begin to chant.
“Team team. Team Team. Team Team.”
Quickly all of Team Team join in the chant.
“TEAM TEAM! TEAM TEAM!! TEAM TEAM!!!” We bellow together.
Just like before The Dolphins last man fumbles a catch and we rush onto the court chanting and jumping as the family home evening dodgeball champions. The Dolphins and a few people who didn't play all leave the cultural hall and head to the kitchen for refreshments leaving us to finish our victory celebration. Eventually, all of Team Team settles down and heads off to find refreshments, while I excuse myself to the restroom.
In the relative privacy of a stall in the men's room, I crush and chop up one of the Ritalin in a dollar bill trough. Rolling up another dollar I quickly hoover up half the line in each nostril, lick the dollar trough, and shove everything back in my wallet. I manage to rinse my sinuses with a couple of drops of water before a twenty-some-odd guy dressed like an East Coast prick comes in. We exchange a nod and he washes his hands while I dry mine sniffling and snorting to keep that sweet pharmaceutical crack from running down my face.
Rejoining the group I slide in next to Brooke and Kara. Lucas catches my eye and raises his eyebrow at me. I wipe my nose and wink in reply, Lucas smiles before we both return our attention to the group. The methylphenidate lights up my mind sharpening my wit and enhancing my perception, while the hydrocodone makes a resurgence taking me deeper into the ocean's warm blissful embrace. The lively conversation continues until 9:00 when Lucas, Kara, Brooke, and I decide to head over to Kara's for a nightcap.
Hopping in the car Brooke puts on Liquid Stranger and cranks the volume, rattling the teeth of everyone within 20 feet meanwhile I pop the last two hydros and put the car in drive. We arrive at Kara's one-bedroom apartment and I grab my weed tupperware from under my seat before we stomp up the stairs like a herd of elephants. It's always warm here due to Kara's downstairs neighbors who apparently moved from Hell, but on this chilly night, we welcome the warmth radiating from the floor. Lucas offers up some Fireball shots from a bottle forgotten at the last party held here. Brooke eagerly accepts three, being underage she jumps at any offer of alcohol, while Lucas and I each settle for one. Kara and Brooke begin to commiserate over the children they both work with while Lucas and I head to the porch for a toke.
The porch is only as wide as the sliding glass door, and five feet deep, barely enough room for a tiny thrift store side table and two camp chairs. This is the only place Kara allows smoking so at parties it becomes standing room only, but it's still better than trying to smoke weed in the parking lot. Lucas and I look into the inky black night beyond the screen, while I pack my bowl.
“So how are things with you and Kara?” I ask Lucas before taking the first hit and passing it to him.
“Good man, I think she might be the one.” He replies, before taking a hit and coughing hard.
“Really? The future Mrs. Steele huh? And to think you met her cause Brooke and I ditched you at that dance at Duke.” I chuckle through a plume of hazy smoke, before tamping the bowl and handing it back.
“Yeah man, she's quite the woman. By the way, ditching me to drive to the beach for sunrise was a dick move, but since I met Kara I'll let it slide.” Replies Lucas, briefly looking stern before his hit erupts from his face in a fit of coughing. I have to grab the bowl from him before he drops it coughing his lungs out.
“Yeah… Sorry about that bro we got a little caught up in ourselves that night. But it all worked out.” I say before roasting the bowl for a last hit.
“Oh, I'm sure you were…” Lucas teases, finally having caught his breath.
I pack another bowl this time letting Lucas scorch it on the first hit. Once Lucas and I look like Chinese nationals we head back to our women. Inside we play Cards Against Humanity laughing hysterically at the crude humor. When 11:00 rolls around we decide to call it a night, tomorrow is a work day after all. Brooke and I leave with hugs goodbye walking briskly through the frosty night. As we drive to my townhouse Brooke grabs my hand rubbing her thumb across my knuckles. Usually, I would rub or tap her hand back in a playful game but tonight my mind floats three feet above my skull. Up here every sensation is toned down, aches and pains are replaced by rolling waves of warm euphoric apathy. At home I lay with Brooke cuddled tightly next to me, her head on my chest.
“What will I do when it's time to move on from this?” I ponder, before closing my eyes and drifting off toward tomorrow.

Something hanging in the air.
Thanks to AccaptableEgg for helping out!
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Memory transcription subject: Riach the fourth, Medical student
Date [standardized human time]: July 2, 2104
“...with that this would be all for today. Remember finals are [Next week]! Good luck being in the thirty percent! Also no questions today, I have a reservation in a [hour]”
I watched as our professor marched out of the room leaving us all to silently dread the incoming exams. Well maybe the others were, I already was in the thirty percent! And with my internship I will have enough credit to exit with honors, if I so much as sign my name on that exam!
But that would remove the fun of demolishing the grade curve!
Right now I was packing up as I had a busy day ahead. This was the last lecture for today after all, so I would be starting my shift at the correctional facility.
Soon the whole hall moved, spilling out of the building with the Afaan sun shining above us at its zenith.
Just need to take the train and I am there. Today I should be doing some actual work, and not just going through more training. Why did I even have to go through it? Almost all of the things they say are already part of the curriculum…
I hurried on my way, eager to get started, though I wasn’t the only one eager to get to their train. Rapidly I found myself swept up by the herd, slowly marching through the gates, each of us getting our ID scanned by the controller official to see if we had the tariff and if we were even eligible to use the train.
But here I was, on my way! I just had to bow to the high cast officer also taking the train, giving them my seat and moving to the next cabin with everyone else.
Now, mental review. You will be tentacles-on today, so that could be anything from sorting paperwork to actively participating in giving treatments.
Right now there wasn’t much to speculate as the train quietly sped through the city, the landscape slowly changing from tall buildings into rows of townhouses to soon turn into beautiful farmland swaying in the wind with crops ready to harvest.
Tranquilizer overdose is avoided by keeping the weight and species table saved to pad at all times. Reference it to each patient.
The train was almost empty at this point, the landscape now nothing but almost never ending farms.
Voltage should be referenced for proper stimulation too, I should have that table on me too…
[Forwarding Transcript]
The train starts to slow in conjunction with the speaker declaring that the next stop was the correctional facility.
I groaned as I got up, my body stiff from sitting for [two hour] train ride. The train soon stopped at the station, with me getting out and making my way down the stairs. Well calling it a station was a bit much, it was just a platform with a gate and a security guard.
Well, from here It’s just a short walk through the forest.
The small road soon reached the tall wall of the facility, a security checkpoint blocking my path, an old Kolshian sitting in the booth beside it.
He flicked his tentacle in a silent gesture for me to pull out my ID. It only took a second for him to confirm my identity and the gate to open with a buzz and metal scrape.
Well let's see what next [four hours] brings..
The actual door to the building was a repeat of the gate with its guard. Though this one also took my shoulder pack to give it a thorough search for contraband, but in the end I was allowed entry.
Just need to get my coat and I can meet with the overseer.
I walked into the employee lounge and over to the locker room. Putting on the white coat with red bands, and attaching my ID to it. I looked in the mirror, feeling oddly proud, just wishing the bands would be golden. Still, I was scheduled, so I quickly put my stuff away, and made my way towards the offices.
The administration wing was quite a sight to behold, polished carved wood and stone with gold and silver linings. Decades if not centuries of history around me. Soon the door with the name Prof. Thricel appeared, making me stop and collect myself, before I pressed the buzzer.
His voice was weak yet stern, inviting me in. I tenderly entered the silent office, a scent of old paper hitting my nose. Before me behind a desk sat an aged pale purple Kolshian wearing a coat with purple bands with sun symbols, and corrective eyewear. A wall of paper books stood tall behind him, no doubt many written by him.
I gave him a deep bow.
“Good day, Riach,” he greeted, his voice raspy and heavy. He shuffled through his data pad, gesturing to me to sit down in front of him. “I would love to give you a proper introduction to your duties, but the other overseers decided that your program is a perfect opportunity for them to reroute other doctors for their experimental treatments.” He snorted dismissively, before letting out a cough, breathing in heavily, “Waste of time if you ask me. Yet, here we are, so I’ll go through it quickly: for the first [two hours] you’ll man the pharmacy, you will receive the prescription and review it.” He let out another cough, before continuing, “As you work with Predatory patients, the full license is not required for this, but I have high expectations.”
I gave him a gentle acknowledgement with my tail, as he continued with a flick of his tentacle, coughing again, before letting out a wizz. “The other [two], you will replace one of our technicians, for that you will enter the treatment wing…” He took a deep breath, “Your main duty is to oversee the controls, but we expect you to remind others about their duties… ” He broke into a short coughing fit, before taking a glass of water and downing it. “It’s just fear and herd stimulation, do you have any questions?”
I looked to the side and back at the door, before giving him a soft no with my tail. I had more than prepared myself for tasks such as these!
He eyed me down with one of his eyes for a while. Before responding “Good- On your pad you will receive all your scheduling and who you’ll work with” He swallowed, before breathing heavily correcting his corrective lenses. “If this is all, {I thank you, and wish you a good day.}”
I got up and bowed down. “{Thank you for your time, and I wish you a good day back}”
I let out a deep sigh as I exited the office, looking up at my schedule and duty sheet to see Dr. Marshiling and Dr. Agrin were scheduled as head doctors for the electro-stimulations. I will have to keep those names in mind for if I ever could use them as references.
For now I headed down to the pharmacy, it was quite centralized yet still isolated from the patients, a heavy smell of drugs and chemical agents hanging in the air. As I walked over to the main desk, a few blue bands were already waiting to pick up requests from the doctors. With me over and opening the roller up, the first one came sliding in the slip with the patient information, their species, weight, height, name and doctor's medication request, some asking for specific amounts other just written as according to chart, or even chart plus or minus amount.
Without much thought I got to work filing them out. Bottles and vials of anesthesias, relaxants, antidepressants, stimulants, painkillers, pain enhancers, experimental hormone blockers and so many more flying through my tentacles into the boxes. Quickly picked up by the blues to deliver.
Everything was here, [amphetamines morphines, Veclofens, Metaxalone, Tricyclics, trazodones, Lysergic acid, acetyl fentanyl, Methylphenidate, Gabapentin, Heroin, Nitrous, Amyl nitrate, Methadone and even Phencyclidine].
[Translated for ease of understanding]
And every one I can list the effects for!
Well, almost all…
The exceptions to my knowledge were those I had to handle with the glovebox. Very strong drugs, I even recognised some as ones sold under different names on the streets. Sun bliss, Ternid, Moon Glass, Sun touch, Blackholes, Stardust, Endurance, and many more. Drugs one wouldn’t think would be a treatment.
Nevermind, they may be just experimental, maybe they have good effects when applied with electroshocks.
The time passed quickly, the request coming in mass, with quite a few inmates receiving quite high doses, especially IN the experimental wing. Yet I just did my job, just sending over notes with warnings about the doses, as I should.
I just hope they are recording the dosages. This experimental stuff… I have no real idea what they could do.
Yet, I don’t question it, again and again. Just do your job, they must know better.
For the whole [two hours] I work diligently filling in every prescription. Soon my replacement arrived, an orange band, with a soft wag of their tail, they pointed me to the treatment wing. Where the second part of my work day would start.
I picked myself up, walking down the large sterile halls, while the pharmacy still had wooden tones, this place was pure plastic and metal. A small security checkpoint stopped me on my way, as I was now officially in the area with patients around, even if there were still one or two doors separating me. The well lit halls were cleaned to lab levels. Only to be terminated with heavy control room doors for the herd therapy.
I soon arrived at the dim room, sitting down in front of the controls. Up here I had a great view down at the dance floor like space, the room dim too, as the floor would light up when electrified, right in front of me was a panel made to control voltage and size of the affected area.
Not long after the observation room filled with gold and one purple band to oversee the treatment, I could hear their voice quietly come through the speaker adjacent to me, perfect for quick communication, before an old voice came through.
“Good day, Riach, I am Dr. Marshiling, and I welcome you to the herd behavior induction chamber, a pinnacle of our modern herd therapy!” A soft blubber came from it before he continued, “I hope the panel is not too confusing for you, the patients will take some time to arrive so if you have any doughnuts there should be a quick guide poster to your left. If you don’t have any questions just wait for our signal.”
I leaned over the mic “It’s pleasure to meet you Dr. Marshiling. And I don’t for the moment. Thank you.”
The room went silent, as the lights turned up a bit as a group of patients arrived, a few kolishians, two Venlil, and a Krakatol.
I think this is a bit- over capacity?
A few more Kholshians, a Harchen, another Kholshian, and…
Is-is this right?
I turned towards the observation room, but the group inside seemed unbothered. So I leaned back and waited for their signal, the chair surprisingly comfy, but the therapy was at least a [half a hour] or deal. The room dimmed, as the mismatched herd seemed to stay close already, before my speaker sounded up. “Good, Riach please turn all the unoccupied panels on, standard voltage.” I looked down at the panel hearing the intercom sound.
“Remember, stay close to your herd”
I turned on the voltage on the empty tiles, it seemed everything was now in parameters, the herd was staying close, and it seemed to be just a bit of waiting for the specified duration. That’s pretty easy, at least the patients seemed to be quite cooperative.
And it stayed like this for a moment, before I heard the speaker turn on again.
“Riach please turn the power on all the tiles, scatter them.”
I looked over at the observation room confused, before leaning to the mic “I don’t understand, sir. Isn’t scattering them counter productive? According to the accepted prospect, all tiles should not be turned on unless the herd is spread out. Haven’t we already reached the proper herd size per the regulation? Shouldn’t we maintain the herd, instead of scattering it?”
“These patients have been particularly resistant to standard treatments,” the doctor responded, “just making them stay in a herd is not enough, we have to teach them to form herds. So I repeat, reduce tiles to minimum. Create small islands of safety”
I looked at the patients unsure, as they stayed far from the line creating a tight herd.
“What about turning off the panels to see if they scatter themselves? Would that indicate they exhibit herdless behavior more?”
There was a slight pause, before the response. “Maintaining a herd is important, yes, but we also have to teach them about creating herds in the first place. While I do agree with your position, those particular patients require herd forming stimulation.”
I paused myself. In this case yes, this is true they should need to be scattered. Enforcing the actual forming of herds. That makes sense. “Understood, reducing voltage for scattering effect.”
“Negative. The procedure is to keep the voltage the same.”
I looked up at the observation room. “But without reducing it we might produce an association of being in a herd with pain. My thesis was based on a study proving it. The [2096] study on herd behavior and its reinforcement by Profesor Rivela the eighth. ”
There was a slight pause as I saw him turn and speak to others in the observation room. The herd continued to act as they should as I waited for clarification. Just as I was going to ask for clarity once more, the intercom came to life.
“Yes, this study. We do believe we should consider it, especially considering it was created in our facility. This study is still relatively new even if it is [8 years] old, so the official procedures still have not changed to reflect it, but I agree the new experimental treatment might be better suited for this group, please reduce the voltage for the floor and proceed with herd formation treatment.”
I felt a bit of pride grow inside of me, as I turned the voltage down and created a radiant pattern, scattering the group into small safe spots, with the treatment now commencing.
[Forwarding transcription]
I got up from the chair, as the group of patients exited the room. All things considered I see progress, with the group forming a coherent herd by the end of it without a stimulus. The doctors seemed quite intrigued by the speed of the progress, which means the study was right.
Soon I entered the room designed for the fear response training, a young gold banded doctor was now on the helm, with a list of patients in his tentacle looking up with a slight huff fixing his corrective lenses.
“Good day, Riach, I am Dr. Agrin” The doctor sighed, “We have quite a few diseased to go through, and I understand your shift is ending in less than [a hour], so I would like to make it quick.”
He moved back, pointing me to a seat next to his. “You will help with monitoring and treatment applications. The diseased are unable to discern danger, we are here to teach the correct response to threats so they don’t die or become one themselves.”
I gave him a tail flick that I understand, as a black banded guard walked in the first patient in. The Herchen with a seemingly random color pallet on her scales.
“Good day, Aicina.” The doctor beside me greeted them. “Today, we will work on your fear response. Please take the seat, and put on the harness.”
The Harchen quietly complied, sitting down in the large chair sinking back as a large monitor covered her head. Tears seem to already be forming on her cheeks.
“You doing well Aicina, now, please, just tell me what you see on the screen, and how threatened you feel by it.”
He then leaned towards me whispering. “Each time I tap here, put a low voltage zap on. She is quite cooperative, with how well the treatment has been going she might be discharged, during the next rotation.“
I wagged my tail softly, as the treatment started I felt a tinge of sorrow grow inside of me, as she whimpered each time her fear reaction was too delayed, but we were helping her. Without this she could potentially die by not realizing she is in danger, a bit of pain is better than death.
“Thank you Aicina, you have made great progress! You’ve gotten down to [a second] in recognizing danger! Well into acceptable range! We just need a few more tests to ensure the treatment holds, and I am certain you will be able to rejoin the herd!”
My heart felt heavy as she left, her cheeks covered in tears, but she was almost cured, a few prescriptions and she will live a normal life.
“Anyway, this took a bit longer than expected, I will keep you up for just one more patient and let you go.” He leaned back a bit, looking over at his pad.
The guard soon came back with- Um- A venlil. A very unwell Venlil.
“Alright, Griv! A standard line of tests, please take a seat.” Venlil looked dazed, definitely just waking up from anesthesia.
“I- don’t think it’s a good idea?” I walked over to him, shining a light into his eye seeing it reacted with massive delay. “I am not sure he can think straight right now.”
The doctor behind me huffed. “It should be fine, we just give a higher tolerance, you could also give him a stimulant, it should help.”
A bit of a sinking feeling overwhelmed me, as I looked back at him with one eye. “Wouldn’t that mess with the treatment??”
“I haven’t seen any study saying it would. I understand your common sense concern, but we don’t have time to wait for him to fresh up, and it shouldn’t interfere”
“I- You sure? I am not even sure he will remember any of this in this state.”
“Look, Riach. I am sure you have plenty of ideas on how we can do things better. We all did at your age. But if you actually think you do, start on a paper and send it for review. We don’t have time for it right now, just put him in the chair, and we adjust for his state. If anything we just repeat the treatment”
I looked back at the dazed Venlil, before letting out a huff and helping him in.
Start a paper. Maybe I should look into this…

"Steps on ritalin IR pills.
Crush them up in a small container.
Add a little water and make sludge.
Get a syringe and remove the plunger.
Place some cotton in the syringe and compress it with the plunger. It makes a filter.
Now remive the plunger and you have a compressed cotton layer on the bottom.
Get your sludge and put it in the syringe.
Place the plunger back and push down
The air and the water with the methylphenidate will come out so get a plate and squir everything out. This might be hard. The binders will be stuck in the syringe.
Wait until the water evaporates and carefully with a razor scrape your product up and its ready to snort. You can repeat this like 2-3 times.
On a side note ritakin contains lactose which is soluble in water so you will gonna have some in the final product but most of the binders are separated.
Its better to snort and it doesnt fuck your nose and it doesnt clog it that hard."
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My questions are, Do you keep the needle when pushing the drug out? And how do would you evaporate the water? if heat is used then how much?
Also does it really work? do you still get the medicinal taste when snorting?

I 20(f) have been trying to deal with my moms suicide attempt completely alone. I just want to discuss it because I have been having flash backs every day and things just keep going down hill.
In the beginning of the day things seemed fine. We actually were planning on driving for a small vacation for the 4th of July since it was the week before 4th of July weekend. She was responding earlier in the day till she wouldn't respond to my texts or calls. It started when my dad got a text from her stating " I'm sorry you ever met me I'm so disgusting". he told me to check on her so I called my younger sister who is the middle child (I'm the oldest) if she was home to see how she was( she and my youngest sibling live with my mom while I live with my dad). She was having a sleep over at a friends that lived a couple blocks away and she was going to stay on the phone till we knew mom was ok. There was construction right by her apartments so I kept having to turn around and find a way in to her apartment so that took a while.
When I was able to get into her apartment I found her in her room with the lights off but she just looked at me and said "why do u look so frantic what's wrong?" I said " dad said u sent a weird message and wanted me to check on u cuz we didn't want u to kill yourself." I said it in a joking manner but I didn't understand at the time what was going on. I could tell she had been crying so I climbed over her and just laid next to her while she was looking at her phone. She immediately turned it away from me so I couldn't see and I just said I'm not looking, so she turned it back to normal so I could glance at it every once in a while. I was asking her over and over again if she took anything but her only response was " I only took 2 Benadryl so I'm a little tired, and I drank this chocolate (alcoholic) drink a while later, but it didn't mix with each other so its fine". My parents used to never drink so I've never grasped what normal drinking or behavior is like when people are drunk. My dads an alcoholic but I never see him slurred or stumbling everywhere like in movies so I never understand what a drunk person is supposed to look or act like. her texts were very sloppy with spaces between words and spelling errors. She texted both of my siblings things about being nice to each other and apologizing for "being a terrible mom". She texted her boss who was evil and telling her about how she knew she wasn't very smart or as good as her( she's a dental assistant). I was trying to cheer her up by telling her what I learned from school and trying to show her this method I learned from one of my classes. she said she wasn't interested and then she got a call from her friend/ coworker. I just started doing school work while she was talking to her friend until she got up and went into the living room and laid on the couch to talk to her friend.
After almost an hour I put my school stuff in the dining room since it was next to the couch but I needed to use the restroom. when I went into the bathroom she hung up with her friend and it was quiet for about a minute until I heard crashing with all these glass dishes. I yelled are you ok? and there was no response so I hurried to finish and ran out to see what happened. It looked as if she had tripped, tried catching herself on the top rack of the dishwasher, and fell on the floor. I asked kind of giggling " are you ok?!" the only reason I was giggling was because in my mind I thought she must be drunk and fell over, and drunk people are supposed to be funny to watch right? The night before I had an older neighbor over to have dinner and she told me about the time she got really drunk and her daughter was with her. She talked about how she started throwing up, and her daughter called my neighbors mother because she didn't know who else to call. So I was trying to rationalize that this must be normal to have a moment where your mom is wasted and can't walk properly.
She was cradled on the floor on her left side, and I kept asking if she could get up and go lay on her bed where it was more comfortable. She just kept saying her stomach hurt, she was tired, and she was comfy where she was. I kept giggling and being like " well ur bed is much more comfortable" and " if u get up we can lay on ur bed instead of the hard floor".
With the way the apartment is laid out its very small, like a loop with the 2 bedrooms on the lefts and 2 bathrooms. U open the front door and immediately its a closet on the left for the washing machines in the hallway, it opens on the right to the small kitchen, on the other side of the kitchen is where u can put the table for a "dining room". then it cuts straight to the small living room and back sliding door. in the living room it goes down a small hallway to the bathroom, then the master bedroom that my 2 siblings share on the right, and my moms room immediately on the left.
I kind of convinced her to push the upper part of her body upward, but not completely sitting up. she kind of did a caterpillar worm towards the front door once, but then just collapsed to sleep on the floor. she kept saying her stomach hurt so I asked if she was going to throw up but she said no. She did 3 more small worm wiggles to the hallway in front of the washing machines by the front door. At this point she was making sounds that I thought were laughs so I started laughing too. That was until she started throwing up all over the hard wood floor. My stomach dropped and I just felt scared and knew something wasn't right. It smelled so strongly of wine and alcohol that I was gagging trying not to breathe. She started trying to do the worm again through her vomit that was starting to soak into the carpet right before the hard flooring. I kept yelling "mom stop! your getting vomit everywhere stop!" she just kind of flopped and then put her face in the puke. I tried grabbing a bowl and grabbed her hair to pull her face out of the vomit on the floor and tried tying her hair out of her face. I was getting covered in her vomit that smelled like disgusting wine trying to ask if she really didn't take anything
At this point I was trying to hold it together and started googling things like poison control phone number, alcohol poisoning signs, or non emergency hotlines to police wouldn't show up at the apartment. I didn't want to embarrass her if she was just drunk and it wasn't an emergency. I kept going to the back patio/ porch through the sliding glass door, and back to her to see if she'd respond. At this point it's 10:30 at night. My parents are divorced so my dad shouldn't be a part of this. plus he would be asleep by now. all of my 4 aunts and 1 uncle lived out of state days away so they couldn't help, and I hadn't talked to this one family friend in years plus she'd be asleep too. ( she lived in the same neighborhood) So the only other option was to call my younger sister( the middle child)
When she answered the phone was when I couldn't keep it together anymore. I was trying so hard to make it sound like I wasn't crying but I kept stuttering words and my voice was shaking too hard for it to not be noticeable. She knew what was up and just started bawling. I was panicking because I could hear her friend freaking out on the other end, and was trying to get my sister to stop crying. Her friend got her mom( who is a nurse) and after some back and forth she said she was calling the police. She said they were heading over and I stayed on the phone with my sister while they took the 5 minute drive while the mom was on the phone with the operator and asking me questions about how she was breathing. When the friends mom got to the apartment she said they were going to be here in 2 minutes and was trying to get my mom to respond. My mom suddenly woke up but was very mumbly saying HUH?! and trying to pull herself up using furniture but failing, ( also dragging herself more into the vomit)
The EMT showed up and the fire department and went to her trying to talk to her asking what she may have taken. I can remember hearing my sister outside the apartment crying and her friend most likely being with her, and the friends mom talking to someone outside. There weren't any cops which I just thot was odd, and I think it was a firefighter that was talking to me. He was asking me if she struggled with any mental disorders, if she had prescription medication, and what may have caused her to do this. I just said she suffers from depression and anxiety, she had attempted a while ago but I was too young and don't remember what happened. He honestly scared me and was being really impatient and intimidating. I said she had signed the divorce paperwork officially the day before and his only response was " ah ok that makes much more senses thanks" and then just kind of left me alone after that. My only thoughts were that can't be the reason because that's all she's wanted. she hates him and wouldn't want to kill herself because of that. When the people were trying to talk to her she army crawled down the hallway towards the dining room, and was able to get herself up on a chair. I basically just stood against the kitchen sink and was completely ignored, being surrounded by all these people that were HUGE. I'm 5'3 and all these firefighters were seriously covered in tattoos like 7 feet tall and had to stand so close that I just stared at this mans elbow the entire time that was nearly hitting me in the face. I don't remember seeing them wheel her out but I remember when people started leaving one of the firefighters asked if I was ok while they were walking by. I attempted to act normal and just tried smiling and said ya thx. When the last firefighter was leaving with his stuff he said " any questions?" and I was like "uuuuh which, hospital?" and he said " I'll get that information for u" I think he was trying to tell me about how he had to wait to get the information but at that moment I was just focusing on not crying in front of everyone but it was coming at a breaking point so I just put my right thumb up covering my face and he left. I then started sobbing when the friends mom came in and I just tried to stop crying and apologized. I went outside after grabbing my school stuff still set up on the dining table and locked the door when my sister wanted to get clothes to stay at her friends longer, and the EMT needed to get more photos of the bottles of medication she took.
When I got in my car my sister, her friend, and her mom left leaving me in the parking lot by myself. I just stared at my phone not knowing who to contact, and not knowing if I should go straight to the hospital, or go home to change out of my vomit clothes first. The only relative that had ever supported or been friendly with my mom was my uncle who lived 2 stated away and we weren't close at all. I literally txted at midnight " Hey **** this is ****. I don't really know who else to message right now but my mom just went into the hospital either because of an overdose or just drank too much. You were just one of the only people I knew to message and I don't really know what to do." there was no response so I just drove the 10 minutes to my apartment and changed my clothes while my dad was asleep. I just walked into his room and tried telling him what happened but then I started crying and my uncle called his phone. I answered and my uncle was asking what happened and after my attempt to explain I just kept apologizing. He said everything was fine and to keep him posted till he hung up. My dad was acting like this was a nuisance on him that he knew this was going to happen and he had to work in the morning. normally I could handle his bickering, but it just made me start bawling. He said it was going to be fine and started driving to the hospital. When we got to the er my mom was very active. She was able to talk, kept grabbing things off the wall, and tried yelling at my dad till he told her to stop and she laid down. When the doctor came a while later he talked to my dad about her previous attempt when I was around 10 maybe 11 or way younger. even later my dad said he was tired of sitting there and he had to go to work in the morning so he made me drive him home, and my plan was to go back to the hospital. I ended up going back to my moms place to clean up the vomit and try cleaning the whole apartment when her mom( my grandma) called. I basically was on the phone with her from when I was cleaning her apartment to being at the hospital for a couple of hours. She just kept asking me how school was while I'm staring at my mom witnessing her get a catheter in, fall asleep, and my grandma was harassing me to ask the nurse tech a 100 different questions. I told her my phone was about to die and then I was completely by myself with my own thots sitting in the Er with my sleeping mom. The nurse tech had pity a couple hours later and asked if I wanted to go home and sleep, but I didn't know the common curtesy of if ur supposed to stay with them or not. She said I can wait for the shift switch for the new doctor to know when she's getting her new room. Blah blah blah I get home about 3 am and try to go to sleep to be there at 7 am for when she's supposed to get her new room. I ended up just crying and slightly lost consciousness until my alarm went off. When I went into the hospital again she only moved to the end of the hall where I got to hear the security guards talk about their wives like they were cattle. My mom still hadn't woken up So I just decided to go home. Later I found out my dad told the family friend and she was currently at the hospital with my mom so that made it a little easier.
To speed up We found out she was in a coma from all the drugs she took. When my family friend helped me clean up her apartment we found all the bottles of medication she took and a note with her name the date and it said " do not resuscitate". From all the bottles we found out she took the entire bottle of Benadryl with 100 capsules 25 mg each. maybe a ton of Excedrin( it was all over the safe and the floor so idk how much she took) 500 mg 100 capsules of acetaminophen, 0.5 mg Lorazepam(idk how much) 10 mg amphet/dextroamp( Adderall/ basically meth) 31 capsules. Venlafaxine 15 mg. Escitalopram 20 mg. Lamotrigine 200 mg. Methylphenidate 5 mg. and finally Bupropn 300 mg. She was in a coma having symptoms of a meth addict with withdrawals. She would have tremors that looked like she was having seizures. moan and groan and snort, and sweat bullets to the point the nurses had to change her twice a day due to the amount of sweat. Her tremors made her bite her lip and tongue so hard she'd spit blood everywhere when she groaned. I wasn't there a week later when she woke up. but she wasn't really able to move or speak, and it was slow and not understandable. When I got there when she was able to speak a little better I gave her phone to her so she could contact family. Although giving her the phone ended up being a problem. She was making comments that she was going to commit "Thelma and louis" (characters apart of a movie where they both drive off a cliff and die in the end) with my younger sister( the middle child) She claimed it was a joke and she wasn't serious but then she'd say she hated life and wanted to die. coincidentally the doctors never heard her talk like that so she was fine. I ended up having to sneak her phone away to take it home because she was getting too distracted with it. When I was about to leave her room she realized her phone was gone and I said maybe ur sitting on it trying to leave quickly when the middle sibling( who snuck in the hospital and wasn't supposed to be there) said " we just think it'd be better if u didn't have it." My mom was furious and started screaming at us so I forced my sister to leave and I took us back to her apartment. On the way home I got a call from my dad telling me I needed to give my mom her phone back and I told him he had no part of this. his response was "if he had no part of it then why did she call him?" I told him it was because that was the only number she had memorized and that's the only reason why she would call him. he hung up on me. I later got a call from her through the hospital and she was demanding to get her phone back and she was going to call the police on me. She said " I hope you have nightmares" and wishing harm on me and cursing me out till I stopped responding and I think she felt bad, and tried making me feel better I just said I had to go and started bawling. I was dealing with my sister who was making this 10 times harder by sneaking out and doing drugs with her friends and blaming my moms attempt on me saying I was the reason she attempted.
Other issues were my dad trying to get involved. Remember when I mentioned I cleaned her apartment with my family friend? He was trying to get into her apartment claiming he wanted to help clean it. When I said he wasn't allowed in her apartment he got furious and screamed in my face demanding the key to her apartment. I just told him I didn't have it. He said "yes you do now give it to me! your not leaving till I have the key!" I had to sprint after my car to get away and drive to her apartment so he wouldn't come after me. Also, on the same day that he got the text message he was on the phone with his brother carelessly talking about how he was just going to keep an eye on when my mom got a different job or got married so he wouldn't have to pay as much child support( the reason it took a year to sign the papers was because he refused to pay the minimum amount of child support just for 2 kids! he got away with not having to pay for me. He then said he was going to wait 10 years when my youngest sibling was out of the house so he could take her back to court and not pay anything to my mom anymore.( he is also paying my mom alimony)
towards the end of my moms hospital visit I was fighting to have her stay at a hospital because I couldn't physically restrain her if something were to happen. but I ended up losing that battle and had to pick up my mom and take her home. The worst part was she wanted to pick up her car ( which was at my place) and drive home herself and I said no, but we could at least get the keys. When I went inside to grab them they were in my dads safe, and when I tried grabbing them from him he kept pulling them away from my grasp so I couldn't have them. My sister was screaming at me about how dare I let mom simply come home, even thought it wasn't my choice. I had to rip the keys out of my dads hand and get my mom back in my car- to go to her car- so I could leave my car at my place but drive her car with her back to her place and stay with her.
Things have "gone back to normal" in the sense that it's like we're trying to pretend that nothing happened. My youngest sister was in Texas at the time and only knows she was in the hospital because she drank too much. My mom is getting a new job, has access to the safe with my sisters new medication, and my moms medication is with me and I give it to her in weekly increments. I'm still the one to blame for her attempt. My mom is trying to act like we have an even stronger bond than before, but honestly I'm scared of her. I want her affection but I don't want to put my mental burdens on her, but she also acts like I'm a nuisance to her most of the time. My dad now likes to show his hate towards me. He doesn't talk to me anymore unless it's necessary. sometimes he'll act like he cares in front of other people and I'll just awkwardly move away. I don't have friends and my only siblings hate my guts. I talk with the family friend every once and a while but they can only do so much. When people say they feel like they're alone. This is what that's like. I physically don't have a single physical person to turn to besides strangers on the internet. There's even a whole lot more to it that I'm not able to add but that will make this twice as long. I just need people to understand what I've been through. People are acting like this wasn't a big deal. My mom nearly died. I'm failing my classes and this is supposed to be my last term till I GRADUATE. I just want people.

I 20(f) have been trying to deal with my moms suicide attempt completely alone. I just want to discuss it because I have been having flash backs every day and things just keep going down hill.
In the beginning of the day things seemed fine. We actually were planning on driving for a small vacation for the 4th of July since it was the week before 4th of July weekend. She was responding earlier in the day till she wouldn't respond to my texts or calls. It started when my dad got a text from her stating " I'm sorry you ever met me I'm so disgusting". he told me to check on her so I called my younger sister who is the middle child (I'm the oldest) if she was home to see how she was( she and my youngest sibling live with my mom while I live with my dad). She was having a sleep over at a friends that lived a couple blocks away and she was going to stay on the phone till we knew mom was ok. There was construction right by her apartments so I kept having to turn around and find a way in to her apartment so that took a while.
When I was able to get into her apartment I found her in her room with the lights off but she just looked at me and said "why do u look so frantic what's wrong?" I said " dad said u sent a weird message and wanted me to check on u cuz we didn't want u to kill yourself." I said it in a joking manner but I didn't understand at the time what was going on. I could tell she had been crying so I climbed over her and just laid next to her while she was looking at her phone. She immediately turned it away from me so I couldn't see and I just said I'm not looking, so she turned it back to normal so I could glance at it every once in a while. I was asking her over and over again if she took anything but her only response was " I only took 2 Benadryl so I'm a little tired, and I drank this chocolate (alcoholic) drink a while later, but it didn't mix with each other so its fine". My parents used to never drink so I've never grasped what normal drinking or behavior is like when people are drunk. My dads an alcoholic but I never see him slurred or stumbling everywhere like in movies so I never understand what a drunk person is supposed to look or act like. her texts were very sloppy with spaces between words and spelling errors. She texted both of my siblings things about being nice to each other and apologizing for "being a terrible mom". She texted her boss who was evil and telling her about how she knew she wasn't very smart or as good as her( she's a dental assistant). I was trying to cheer her up by telling her what I learned from school and trying to show her this method I learned from one of my classes. she said she wasn't interested and then she got a call from her friend/ coworker. I just started doing school work while she was talking to her friend until she got up and went into the living room and laid on the couch to talk to her friend.
After almost an hour I put my school stuff in the dining room since it was next to the couch but I needed to use the restroom. when I went into the bathroom she hung up with her friend and it was quiet for about a minute until I heard crashing with all these glass dishes. I yelled are you ok? and there was no response so I hurried to finish and ran out to see what happened. It looked as if she had tripped, tried catching herself on the top rack of the dishwasher, and fell on the floor. I asked kind of giggling " are you ok?!" the only reason I was giggling was because in my mind I thought she must be drunk and fell over, and drunk people are supposed to be funny to watch right? The night before I had an older neighbor over to have dinner and she told me about the time she got really drunk and her daughter was with her. She talked about how she started throwing up, and her daughter called my neighbors mother because she didn't know who else to call. So I was trying to rationalize that this must be normal to have a moment where your mom is wasted and can't walk properly.
She was cradled on the floor on her left side, and I kept asking if she could get up and go lay on her bed where it was more comfortable. She just kept saying her stomach hurt, she was tired, and she was comfy where she was. I kept giggling and being like " well ur bed is much more comfortable" and " if u get up we can lay on ur bed instead of the hard floor".
With the way the apartment is laid out its very small, like a loop with the 2 bedrooms on the lefts and 2 bathrooms. U open the front door and immediately its a closet on the left for the washing machines in the hallway, it opens on the right to the small kitchen, on the other side of the kitchen is where u can put the table for a "dining room". then it cuts straight to the small living room and back sliding door. in the living room it goes down a small hallway to the bathroom, then the master bedroom that my 2 siblings share on the right, and my moms room immediately on the left.
I kind of convinced her to push the upper part of her body upward, but not completely sitting up. she kind of did a caterpillar worm towards the front door once, but then just collapsed to sleep on the floor. she kept saying her stomach hurt so I asked if she was going to throw up but she said no. She did 3 more small worm wiggles to the hallway in front of the washing machines by the front door. At this point she was making sounds that I thought were laughs so I started laughing too. That was until she started throwing up all over the hard wood floor. My stomach dropped and I just felt scared and knew something wasn't right. It smelled so strongly of wine and alcohol that I was gagging trying not to breathe. She started trying to do the worm again through her vomit that was starting to soak into the carpet right before the hard flooring. I kept yelling "mom stop! your getting vomit everywhere stop!" she just kind of flopped and then put her face in the puke. I tried grabbing a bowl and grabbed her hair to pull her face out of the vomit on the floor and tried tying her hair out of her face. I was getting covered in her vomit that smelled like disgusting wine trying to ask if she really didn't take anything
At this point I was trying to hold it together and started googling things like poison control phone number, alcohol poisoning signs, or non emergency hotlines to police wouldn't show up at the apartment. I didn't want to embarrass her if she was just drunk and it wasn't an emergency. I kept going to the back patio/ porch through the sliding glass door, and back to her to see if she'd respond. At this point it's 10:30 at night. My parents are divorced so my dad shouldn't be a part of this. plus he would be asleep by now. all of my 4 aunts and 1 uncle lived out of state days away so they couldn't help, and I hadn't talked to this one family friend in years plus she'd be asleep too. ( she lived in the same neighborhood) So the only other option was to call my younger sister( the middle child)
When she answered the phone was when I couldn't keep it together anymore. I was trying so hard to make it sound like I wasn't crying but I kept stuttering words and my voice was shaking too hard for it to not be noticeable. She knew what was up and just started bawling. I was panicking because I could hear her friend freaking out on the other end, and was trying to get my sister to stop crying. Her friend got her mom( who is a nurse) and after some back and forth she said she was calling the police. She said they were heading over and I stayed on the phone with my sister while they took the 5 minute drive while the mom was on the phone with the operator and asking me questions about how she was breathing. When the friends mom got to the apartment she said they were going to be here in 2 minutes and was trying to get my mom to respond. My mom suddenly woke up but was very mumbly saying HUH?! and trying to pull herself up using furniture but failing, ( also dragging herself more into the vomit)
The EMT showed up and the fire department and went to her trying to talk to her asking what she may have taken. I can remember hearing my sister outside the apartment crying and her friend most likely being with her, and the friends mom talking to someone outside. There weren't any cops which I just thot was odd, and I think it was a firefighter that was talking to me. He was asking me if she struggled with any mental disorders, if she had prescription medication, and what may have caused her to do this. I just said she suffers from depression and anxiety, she had attempted a while ago but I was too young and don't remember what happened. He honestly scared me and was being really impatient and intimidating. I said she had signed the divorce paperwork officially the day before and his only response was " ah ok that makes much more senses thanks" and then just kind of left me alone after that. My only thoughts were that can't be the reason because that's all she's wanted. she hates him and wouldn't want to kill herself because of that. When the people were trying to talk to her she army crawled down the hallway towards the dining room, and was able to get herself up on a chair. I basically just stood against the kitchen sink and was completely ignored, being surrounded by all these people that were HUGE. I'm 5'3 and all these firefighters were seriously covered in tattoos like 7 feet tall and had to stand so close that I just stared at this mans elbow the entire time that was nearly hitting me in the face. I don't remember seeing them wheel her out but I remember when people started leaving one of the firefighters asked if I was ok while they were walking by. I attempted to act normal and just tried smiling and said ya thx. When the last firefighter was leaving with his stuff he said " any questions?" and I was like "uuuuh which, hospital?" and he said " I'll get that information for u" I think he was trying to tell me about how he had to wait to get the information but at that moment I was just focusing on not crying in front of everyone but it was coming at a breaking point so I just put my right thumb up covering my face and he left. I then started sobbing when the friends mom came in and I just tried to stop crying and apologized. I went outside after grabbing my school stuff still set up on the dining table and locked the door when my sister wanted to get clothes to stay at her friends longer, and the EMT needed to get more photos of the bottles of medication she took.
When I got in my car my sister, her friend, and her mom left leaving me in the parking lot by myself. I just stared at my phone not knowing who to contact, and not knowing if I should go straight to the hospital, or go home to change out of my vomit clothes first. The only relative that had ever supported or been friendly with my mom was my uncle who lived 2 stated away and we weren't close at all. I literally txted at midnight " Hey **** this is ****. I don't really know who else to message right now but my mom just went into the hospital either because of an overdose or just drank too much. You were just one of the only people I knew to message and I don't really know what to do." there was no response so I just drove the 10 minutes to my apartment and changed my clothes while my dad was asleep. I just walked into his room and tried telling him what happened but then I started crying and my uncle called his phone. I answered and my uncle was asking what happened and after my attempt to explain I just kept apologizing. He said everything was fine and to keep him posted till he hung up. My dad was acting like this was a nuisance on him that he knew this was going to happen and he had to work in the morning. normally I could handle his bickering, but it just made me start bawling. He said it was going to be fine and started driving to the hospital. When we got to the er my mom was very active. She was able to talk, kept grabbing things off the wall, and tried yelling at my dad till he told her to stop and she laid down. When the doctor came a while later he talked to my dad about her previous attempt when I was around 10 maybe 11 or way younger. even later my dad said he was tired of sitting there and he had to go to work in the morning so he made me drive him home, and my plan was to go back to the hospital. I ended up going back to my moms place to clean up the vomit and try cleaning the whole apartment when her mom( my grandma) called. I basically was on the phone with her from when I was cleaning her apartment to being at the hospital for a couple of hours. She just kept asking me how school was while I'm staring at my mom witnessing her get a catheter in, fall asleep, and my grandma was harassing me to ask the nurse tech a 100 different questions. I told her my phone was about to die and then I was completely by myself with my own thots sitting in the Er with my sleeping mom. The nurse tech had pity a couple hours later and asked if I wanted to go home and sleep, but I didn't know the common curtesy of if ur supposed to stay with them or not. She said I can wait for the shift switch for the new doctor to know when she's getting her new room. Blah blah blah I get home about 3 am and try to go to sleep to be there at 7 am for when she's supposed to get her new room. I ended up just crying and slightly lost consciousness until my alarm went off. When I went into the hospital again she only moved to the end of the hall where I got to hear the security guards talk about their wives like they were cattle. My mom still hadn't woken up So I just decided to go home. Later I found out my dad told the family friend and she was currently at the hospital with my mom so that made it a little easier.
To speed up We found out she was in a coma from all the drugs she took. When my family friend helped me clean up her apartment we found all the bottles of medication she took and a note with her name the date and it said " do not resuscitate". From all the bottles we found out she took the entire bottle of Benadryl with 100 capsules 25 mg each. maybe a ton of Excedrin( it was all over the safe and the floor so idk how much she took) 500 mg 100 capsules of acetaminophen, 0.5 mg Lorazepam(idk how much) 10 mg amphet/dextroamp( Adderall/ basically meth) 31 capsules. Venlafaxine 15 mg. Escitalopram 20 mg. Lamotrigine 200 mg. Methylphenidate 5 mg. and finally Bupropn 300 mg. She was in a coma having symptoms of a meth addict with withdrawals. She would have tremors that looked like she was having seizures. moan and groan and snort, and sweat bullets to the point the nurses had to change her twice a day due to the amount of sweat. Her tremors made her bite her lip and tongue so hard she'd spit blood everywhere when she groaned. I wasn't there a week later when she woke up. but she wasn't really able to move or speak, and it was slow and not understandable. When I got there when she was able to speak a little better I gave her phone to her so she could contact family. Although giving her the phone ended up being a problem. She was making comments that she was going to commit "Thelma and louis" (characters apart of a movie where they both drive off a cliff and die in the end) with my younger sister( the middle child) She claimed it was a joke and she wasn't serious but then she'd say she hated life and wanted to die. coincidentally the doctors never heard her talk like that so she was fine. I ended up having to sneak her phone away to take it home because she was getting too distracted with it. When I was about to leave her room she realized her phone was gone and I said maybe ur sitting on it trying to leave quickly when the middle sibling( who snuck in the hospital and wasn't supposed to be there) said " we just think it'd be better if u didn't have it." My mom was furious and started screaming at us so I forced my sister to leave and I took us back to her apartment. On the way home I got a call from my dad telling me I needed to give my mom her phone back and I told him he had no part of this. his response was "if he had no part of it then why did she call him?" I told him it was because that was the only number she had memorized and that's the only reason why she would call him. he hung up on me. I later got a call from her through the hospital and she was demanding to get her phone back and she was going to call the police on me. She said " I hope you have nightmares" and wishing harm on me and cursing me out till I stopped responding and I think she felt bad, and tried making me feel better I just said I had to go and started bawling. I was dealing with my sister who was making this 10 times harder by sneaking out and doing drugs with her friends and blaming my moms attempt on me saying I was the reason she attempted.
Other issues were my dad trying to get involved. Remember when I mentioned I cleaned her apartment with my family friend? He was trying to get into her apartment claiming he wanted to help clean it. When I said he wasn't allowed in her apartment he got furious and screamed in my face demanding the key to her apartment. I just told him I didn't have it. He said "yes you do now give it to me! your not leaving till I have the key!" I had to sprint after my car to get away and drive to her apartment so he wouldn't come after me. Also, on the same day that he got the text message he was on the phone with his brother carelessly talking about how he was just going to keep an eye on when my mom got a different job or got married so he wouldn't have to pay as much child support( the reason it took a year to sign the papers was because he refused to pay the minimum amount of child support just for 2 kids! he got away with not having to pay for me. He then said he was going to wait 10 years when my youngest sibling was out of the house so he could take her back to court and not pay anything to my mom anymore.( he is also paying my mom alimony)
towards the end of my moms hospital visit I was fighting to have her stay at a hospital because I couldn't physically restrain her if something were to happen. but I ended up losing that battle and had to pick up my mom and take her home. The worst part was she wanted to pick up her car ( which was at my place) and drive home herself and I said no, but we could at least get the keys. When I went inside to grab them they were in my dads safe, and when I tried grabbing them from him he kept pulling them away from my grasp so I couldn't have them. My sister was screaming at me about how dare I let mom simply come home, even thought it wasn't my choice. I had to rip the keys out of my dads hand and get my mom back in my car- to go to her car- so I could leave my car at my place but drive her car with her back to her place and stay with her.
Things have "gone back to normal" in the sense that it's like we're trying to pretend that nothing happened. My youngest sister was in Texas at the time and only knows she was in the hospital because she drank too much. My mom is getting a new job, has access to the safe with my sisters new medication, and my moms medication is with me and I give it to her in weekly increments. I'm still the one to blame for her attempt. My mom is trying to act like we have an even stronger bond than before, but honestly I'm scared of her. I want her affection but I don't want to put my mental burdens on her, but she also acts like I'm a nuisance to her most of the time. My dad now likes to show his hate towards me. He doesn't talk to me anymore unless it's necessary. sometimes he'll act like he cares in front of other people and I'll just awkwardly move away. I don't have friends and my only siblings hate my guts. I talk with the family friend every once and a while but they can only do so much. When people say they feel like they're alone. This is what that's like. I physically don't have a single physical person to turn to besides strangers on the internet. There's even a whole lot more to it that I'm not able to add but that will make this twice as long. I just need people to understand what I've been through. People are acting like this wasn't a big deal. My mom nearly died. I'm failing my classes and this is supposed to be my last term till I GRADUATE. I just want people.

I am happy I made it to 90 Days.
Im not sure how I feel cause Im high on methylphenidate right now. (I dont snort. Just pop a 10mg Pill every 2-3 hours). .
I should take a shower. I was up all night doing absolutely nothing useful. .
ADHD pill, methylphenidate, makes the Hypersexuality/Compulsive Sexual Behavior worse. Fluoxamine, an SSRI, prescribed to me for OCD Compulsive Sexual Behavior, Mixed Anxiety & Depressive Disorder and Panic Disorder makes the ADHD worse. .
NoFap, ADHD meds -- two things that I thought would magically turn my life, haven't. Cause, untill you change the habits - actions, not much will change. Most of the problems are due to Delayed Phase Sleep Disorder, which fucks up my routine. Melatonin + Etizolam help with it. Im trying as hard as I can.
But for some reason, I have been feeling better lately. Im optimistic about everything. I dont know but I think everything is about to finally just about to become awesome. Its 7 AM. Im tired. I should take a shower. Its been 9 days. Im hungry too.

I like energy drinks and I'm no stranger to them. My caffeine addiction began in high school with Mountain Dew, the gateway drug to the caffeine world. I would have snorted it if I found that more effective, but no, it just kinda burns. I've done things I'm not proud of. I've added sugar to Jolt cola. I've mixed instant coffee into caffeinated water. Amused, yes, but not proud. This context matters for the rest of the story.
Since then, I've cut my habit to one (sugar free) energy drink in the morning with an occasional soda in the evening, but my caffeine tolerance is still considerable - I may finish the second half of my energy drink after a good nap, to give you an idea. This morning started out like any other, with a new drink from some brand I never heard of and a protein cookie. Both came from a monthly subscription box I enjoy for zero sugar energy drinks. The cookie was not good, but the energy drink was tasty.
Within 30-60 minutes of finishing, I felt nauseous. Hmm. Maybe that cookie isn't sitting well. I wrote it off and had plain white rice with plenty of water for lunch. It got worse. I started trembling and broke out in a cold sweat. I tried to dry my hands and just kept sweating. It was disgusting. I sat at the computer for hours flapping my hands every five minutes like a pathetic, flightless dinosaur bird with tiny wings, trying to dry my hands off. Maybe I was getting sick?
The trembling was severe and the nausea was so bad that I had nothing but water for several hours. I endured over eight hours of queasy trembling, sweating, and flapping before a tiny thought started tickling the distant reaches of my brain: didn't I try a new drink today? I looked at the can and googled it. "Redline Cognitive Candy is stronger than the original Redline and Redline Extreme." Sure, but they all say that. It's just marketing fluff. I try different brands all the time and drink a can a day so there's no way, right?
I kept reading. "Redline energy drinks are currently the second-most potent energy drinks available to consumers in the United States." I see. It's less potent by volume than 5-hour energy, but there's more of it in a can so it ends up stronger overall. Even better, the protein cookie I had alongside it was so dry that I basically slammed the entire thing in 20 minutes. It wasn't on a completely empty stomach, but that tiny protein cookie was a white picket fence vs the Redline tsunami. But that's old news. At this point, the restraints are locked in and I'm on this ride until it ends.
"Class Action Lawsuit Filed Over Redline Energy Drink. ... According to the Redline energy drink lawsuit, “persons who have consumed the Product have reported a range of adverse side effects, including, but not limited to, chills, excessive sweating, vomiting, convulsions, chest pains and rapid heartbeat.”" Wait, this lawsuit is from 2012. Didn't I just read that this new one is stronger than even the Extreme version? Side effects of caffeine overdose: trembling, anxiety, rapid heart beat. Well, this is a first.
The effects began to lessen very ... very ... very gradually. By the time I felt capable of eating, I was ravenous. It seemed only appropriate to have Taco Bell like a good little junkie. It was a bright spot in a sea of misery. Sweating: 10 hours. Nausea: 12 hours. Trembling: 16 hours. Anxiety: 30 years. That's probably unrelated.
I went to bed around 3am. I put my phone down at 5am. I picked my phone back up at 7:30am and browsed energydrinks, then saw something I wanted and ordered it on Amazon because my intelligence is questionable. I put my phone down again and lied awake past my alarm. I turned it off and just lied there. Finally, around 11:30am, I entered a half-conscious trance like a Buddhist monk who's gone down a dark path in his life. I "slept" for maybe three hours and then got up and began my usual routine, with a pause for existential crisis upon opening the fridge and considering if I really wanted to do an energy drink today. If you have grasped my predilection for poor life decisions, you already know the answer to that question.
In the end, it took over 24 hours to come down from this unassuming little can. I'm both terrified and impressed. I don't know how much cocaine they put in it or why it's legal. If it did this to an overweight male with a high caffeine tolerance, I can't imagine what it does to women, children, persons sensitive to caffeine, the elderly, pets, or any living creature that doesn't recklessly ingest synthetic chemicals on a regular basis. I'm guessing it would either kill you or you would be able to see time.
I haven't decided yet if I'm going to order more.
TL;DR: new energy drink hits me harder than that time I was prescribed methylphenidate.
EDIT:
I appreciate everyone who has expressed concern for my health. You are very kind and caring people. I want to clarify that when I use the word addicted, I mean in the physical sense of getting a headache if I go without. This experience is TIFU for a reason. I was basically having a morning cup of coffee - of which I only ever have one cup - and then it escalated because I fucked up and didn't realize what exactly I was drinking. I'm okay now and I don't intend on repeating the experience. Thank you for the well wishes and the concern.
For those of you who have expressed interest in trying this, please be careful. I know I can't dissuade you, so at least take it slow and have some real food beforehand. Please learn from my experience. This is not your normal energy drink. I don't know what the hell it is, but it's NOT normal. If I saw it in stores, I'd expect it to come out of a triple walled cooler with dry ice fog effects. In a pinch, I could probably use it to start my car. But seriously, treat it like you'd treat a prescription drug, not an energy drink.

Setting: In my house with multiple family members home Friend's house with mom gone almost all day Second friend's house with family home Returning to my house at the end
Drugs: 888mg dxm poli, stolen vape, disposable blue razz fume, 3 energy drinks, hydrocodone with acetaminophen, and assorted stims on the side
Weight: approx 155lbs
Previous experience: weed, alcohol, dxm, dph, hydrocodone, dextroamphetamine, methylphenidate, caffeine, nicotine, gabapentin
Got a gallon of water to stay hydrated
11:15pm Just dosed
11:45pm Feeling small head high. Gonna grab a monster and plug in my vape
11:48pm Took a piss. No body high yet. Still very easy to walk up and down stairs. Got my monster
11:54pm Messing with shit on my computer to play music. Under a blanket with my dog. Can feel the effects slowly increasing. My movement feels slightly slower than usual.
12:11am I can see my pupils expanding when I snap people. Not very big rn. Barely noticeable. Small amounts of stomach pain.
12:17am Downstairs in the bathroom. Hoping this isn't how I spend the whole trip
12:23am Back upstairs. Anxious about the peak. Back in bed under blanket and scrolling through tiktok. Pupils now big enough to notice easily. Feeling somewhat dissociated. My thoughts have slowed down and become less complicated
12:38am Starting to get that light feeling. My eyes feeling strained. Sometimes I'll just stop and look around for a second
12:42am Going to lay down and listen to the playlist. Using shitty earbuds. Feeling great other than stomach issues. Have trash can incase of puke
12:47am Switching music to something more psychedelic
12:56am Spent 5 minutes trying to find a video talking about binaural beats so that I could remember the name of them
1am It's almost as if my brain slips into the realm of the music to listen more clearly. No closed eye visuals yet. When in deep focus on music I feel as though I'm not part of the world I'm in. It's extraordinary
1:06am I feel myself morphing into different shapes and items. I feel pasted onto the world. Like how you would copy and paste a word. I feel as though I'm floating across the surface of this existence, but stationary
1:09am This other world is so easy to manipulate. It flows and just exists. Not so rigid. As if everything there was meant to be. It's amazing. I can still discern that I took dxm and that the world is still going on around me. I have to leave my phone screen on because I'm using YouTube for music. I'm going to switch to SoundCloud for music
1:13am The music is humming. Almost whirring. Like powering up as laser. Sounds of nature in background. Struggling to use my phone
1:19am Changed music. Phone is looking slightly blurry, but just because my eyes are out of focus. Sounds similar to Subnautica noises. Pinging noises and splashing. High af
1:23am Seeing myself as water droplets. Falling underwater and meeting a point where 4 different pillar tips come together. Standing on Greek pillars
1:25am See myself soaring through a clear tube. Synchronizing with the pings of noise
The tube is shrouded in clouds and sitting a top a waterfall. With dark grey stones and rocks. At the bottom a hole a small pool. The pool is circular and spiny rocks surround one half. Pointing up and in. Diagonal
1:33am Music is getting super intense, but in a positive way. Í hear distorted sounds of my fan spinning in the background. It adds an amazing vibe. Sounds like a weed eater hitting mud. That hum
Distant maracas shaking noises
1:37am High af. Know I wouldn't walk right. Feeling super light. Stomach almost settled. I think I could still walk if I wanted to. Would look a bit weird, but I could
1:40am I move around like a drone in the other world. It's big swirling sweeps and movements. Not walking pace or way of doing things. I'm so high that I dripped my phone and had to backup a small amount to grab it.
1:43am Extremely dissociated. No ego death. Texting my girl. Definitely more emotionally open rn
1:45am So many different frequencies. There are hums, but they keep changing. It's amazing. I keep forgetting that I'm listening to music.
1:47am The ringing is super cool. Every little sound is so much different and better. As if I'm picking up on something that's out of reach for sober people. Using my hands feels zoomed out. There is a motor noise. I'm gonna switch the sound back
1:50am Everything feels small. My hands are the only thing that is normal size. I just sat up and feel so far removed. Fucking incredible. I love this. Other than the puke feeling
1:58am Went to piss downstairs. Had to struggle down and up the stairs. Being aware of robo walking while robo walking is so cool. My body keeps clinching up and my depth perception is gone. My bed looks 90ft off the ground if I look at it a certain way. Might try to find a show
2:01am Asked for movie recommendations and sitting upright with legs under blanket
2:08am My brain is fried. The noise that you hear when you put earbuds in is amplified so it's super open and static. I keep switching between worlds. 2 separate ways of thinking.
2:11am I'm sitting up and my phone is in my hands. Everything fades away when I focus on it. The background around the bed kinda dropoffs and becomes grey. The noise is just fan noises, but more static
2:13am Everything keeps getting even more disconnected and dissociated. It's the perfect thing for me
2:17am Screen blurring and body itches. I feel like I'm in my own world. Similar to an rpg. As if I'm a game of some sort
2:21am Bouta lay down and close my eyes. Trying to finish snapping my girl, but challenging in this state
2:25am So disphoric and dissociated. It's my favorite feeling of all time. As I type this I feel as though I am not myself. So fucking weird and crazy
2:27am Gonna finally lay down and listen to the music
2:31am So out of it I had to remind myself I am human
2:39am I think this is peak. My brain keeps jumping to do things then forgetting. Listening to juice wrld and chilling. I'm shaking softly and feeling like I'm gonna throw up. I'm super dissociated it feels like those aren't bad thing, but under the haze I can still control it
2:48am Feel like I'm losing control of it and need to go downstairs. Not sure if I can. I'm gonna try to get cash to move for better laying position
2:54am So mf high. Everything looks so small and elf like. The angles and shit are weird
2:57am It feels like being upright while dizzy and not being able to control anything
3:07am Still tweaking
3:11am Super itchy and listening juice wrld
3:21am Laying down. Under blanket. I feel like a doll. You could just put my limbs in any position and I would let you. So fucking weird. Imma get off my phone for once.
3:29am I'm vibrating and shaking. My dog has crawled further under the blanket. My head itches. I have to keep reminding myself I took dxm
3:38am I'm so out of it. The music pulls me in and pulls me further. To the other world
3:55am I'm still high af, but I think this is past peak. My head and neck itch like a mf. Been trying to scratch, but ik it'll just hurt when I come down
4:19am Music still on. Still very high
4:30am Disconnected from everything
7:15am Just we up. Still can't walk and an heavily under the influence
10:07am Can't walk straight and my pupils are fucking huge
Spent almost all of last night in my bed. I was worrying about random shit and trying to get out of the bed. I sat there for 10 minutes trying to get up and grab the chain for the lights on the fan. I was balancing on one knee with one hand on my night stand and the other extended. Teetering and trying not to fall. Eventually got them off and laid down. Out of nic
10:57am I think I'm on after glow. Still dissociated. I'm going to redose tonight
11:49am Trying to go to sleep and find some music to fall into
11:52am I want to go get my monster, but I can't. I want to redose, but I have to wait. Still feeling euphoric and light. My mind is fading in and out of the music. Concentrating on different thing
1:43pm Still robowalking. I'll be starting my Zoloft script tomorrow so I'll redose tonight
7:39pm At a friend's house. Pupils huge and still feeling after glow. Can't redose tonight
Ended up just chilling all night. Drank 2nd monster around 11pm. Went on a walk at 12 am. Was tweaking cuz of cops patrolling area. Went to sleep at about 3am. Woke up at 10am. Got food at 12pm.
4:00pm Just got back from Walgreens. Afterglow fading slightly. Snorted 30mg Adderall. Uncapped pills and dumped them into my rolled dollar bill. Leaned back my head while putting the dollar to my left nostril. Closed my eyes and inhaled. Nasal drip is sweet and pleasant. Nose feeling slightly clogged. Throat dry is dry.
4:11pm Laying on the sofa with it in reclining position. About to get up for my monster
4:17pm Wiped up dog piss. Bout to put my shoes on and walk to another friends house. Got my monster and watermelon Arizona. Plus 3 waters
5:19pm Staring feeling the addy as I walked over. Chilling on the bed. Almost finished monster. Got a disposable for 5$. Trying to get a disposable plug
5:49pm Got a bunch of monster tabs and found a bunch of 40mg amphetamine pills in the cans. Homie gave them to me. Sitting in a camo folding chair under overhang and watching them play basketball. Met a kid named Logan
7:41pm Addys got me buzzing hard af. Bouta go force some food down. In my room. Was otp with my girl for a while. Talked to my step brother some. Moved pills and vapes.
11:54pm Been twitching and moving this whole time. Sweating slightly, but not uncomfortable. My girl fell asleep. Waiting to call in the morning. Scrolling through bunch of different apps. Waiting for a homie to call me and on discord predominantly. Keep forgetting to update. Time blurring, but not a bad feeling. Heart beating fast. Don't think dangerously though. Listening to lil darkie. Music euphoria with specific songs is crazy.
12:09am Switched music to legends never die and it's perfect. Snapping my friend while waiting for him to be able to call. I'm more in touch with my emotions I think. It's the dxm. Really made me see things different. Like an actual trip. Feeling fucking exemplary
Cracking my knuckles leaves this numb and tingly feeling in my hands. It's insanely nice
12:30am On call with different friend. Waiting for the snap one to text me back. Bitter taste is not as strong. Kinda dry though. Need to hydrate. I'm most likely past peak already. Might not sleep tonight. I'll attempt to make plans with people tomorrow. I have to start school the morning. Can't wait for a cold relaxing shower. Nic buz is amazing cuz my tolerance is like 0. I keep forgetting that I've been wanting to put deodorant on for hours. Then I just get sidetracked and focus on something else
My lungs feel weird af. Not a bad thing. Not too worrying, but off
12:45am Bob Marley hitting different. It feels as if there's more laters to the sounds rn. As if I'm experiencing hidden nuances
1:08am Can't really find music that I want to listen to so I just keep switching it then getting bored of it. Having a hard time keeping track of conversations I'm having. I feel like I'm on the comedown, but not sure if I'm still feeling afterglow along with it. My head feels so heavy. Not too tired surprisingly
1:26am Getting uncomfortable. Gonna drink some water and walk around my room for a bit. Contemplating getting some sleep or just laying down for a little while. Possibly getting nic sick. Stomach is developing nausea
1:38pm Had to let my dog (Cashmere) out. Brother's dog (Spudley) was scratching at his door to get out. It was locked so I couldn't do anything. Sidewalk appealing to senses. Peacefully cold and settling. Grass was wet. Back upstairs and in my bed with Cash under blanket and between my legs. Hearing Spudley being let out rn. Feeling guilty even though ik it's not my fault. My gait was off so I was walking noticably different. No one is up though. Other than whoever let spud out
3:05am My temperature keeps fluctuating. I'm cold in my feet, but my torso is sweating. I keep forgetting to grab the disposable from the floor. Chilling on discord and queued up some 03 greedo. Should've put him on earlier. It's the perfect vibe
4:06am About to grab the vape and put on a movie
6:07am Really connected with friend some discord. Otp with my girl before she leaves for the day. Still high. Mood going up and down. Low-key feeling inadequate af and generic. Not sure what the plan is for the day
Went downstairs after hearing my parents get up. Said bye to stepdad from upstairs. Had to coax cashmere down stairs and noticed my legs wobbling. Sort of shaking as I go down the stairs. Had to convince my mom to not take Zoloft which went pretty well. Started 18.5mg concerta daily doses. Still feeling the addys so not sure how that will affect my state. Feel very tweaky and stimmed up still. Had to take both dogs out to potty and then talked to my mom for about 5 minutes. Left to walk dogs around the block. Struggled to control them. Especially when bagging and picking up poop. One lady looked like she was scared to death. It was hilarious.
8:15am Sitting back in bed. About to go shower. Still talking on discord.
10:49am Just got out of the shower. So claiming and refreshing. That slick and soft clean feel on the skin is so nice. Starting school in a sec. The high has balanced out to almost equal parts head high and body high. Hopefully the crash isn't too bad. Waiting to plan something for later today after I finish some school
11:24pm Just got done wish school. Think what I'm feeling is actually a tweaky ass crash and soreness expressing itself in my body. Gonna take a nap
5:00pm Just woke up. Feeling sore af and mentally exhausted, but not as bad as it could be. My pupils are still off the rails
Walking around the house for a while until I had to go outside and put up the fence. Sat there holding it up for 5 minutes. The rest of about an hour was spent sweating and uncomfortable. Waiting for food and still trying to confirm plans for tomorrow since I couldn't do shit today
7:33pm Back upstairs in my room. Hungry af
8:02 pm Had a small bowl of red beans. Was gas. Waiting to decide what I'm going to take and when
8:24pm About to grab a 40mg amphetamine dose and take it. Will be taking orally and most likely more insufflated as the night progresses
8:36pm Did some research on the pill itself. It turns out to be methylphenidate hcl. Still gonna take 40mg and see how it goes
8:42pm One 40mg pill down the hatch. Have 18 more left for later
9:18pm It's starting to activate sightly. Might get off of discord because I feel like I'm bothering them even though ik I'm not. Stomach a bit unsettled. Not nausea, but not hungry. Very foreign
9:21pm I'm slowly accepting that I'm walking further and further away from who I once was. I'm becoming a shell of myself. I can feel it all drifting away. Ik I'll be one of those people who end up leaving a image of a abhorrent and pathetic person in all their minds
9:25pm I think I pulled something in my shoulder, but I can't fucking tell
9:30pm Noticed I've been clenching my jaw together a bit hard. Causing some pain, but it should go away in a while. Reminds me of MDMA
9:59pm Turning off my snap and discord notifications. Getting overwhelmed. Gonna watch Dr. Strange and drink the Arizona watermelon drink
10:14pm Barely feeling the high. Don't want to take another atm. Going to stay up a while and finish the movie. Hopefully will be better in the morning and I'll have recuperated a sliver
10:30pm About to crash again. The high heels like it's resting on my limbs and building up energy
6:12am Woke a few minutes ago. Eyes still haven't adjusted to the lighting in the room. They're straining and blurring slightly. The best way I can describe how I feel rn is an energetic soreness. I'm able to do things I enjoy or want to do, but I don't believe I'd be able to do much else. My phone was off the charger when I got up and on 32%. Just plugged it in. Going to pee and try to go back to sleep. Went on SoundCloud and pulled up 03 greedo since it was playing some random recommended artist. These ads be pissing me off
6:18am Pupils remain giant and haven't gone down. Will most likely add pictures tomorrow. Paused music to get up
6:28am Walked down the stairs and my legs were too tense so I proceeded to almost fall down the whole thing. Felt as if my legs were just helping me glide down. Alarm wasn't armed and I leaned closer to it and the wall. My arm reached around them to the right and my middle finger flipped the switch. Light hurt my eyes, but I adjusted it a bit for better view. Sam was sitting on the middle of our red couch while looking tired af. He was just sitting there. He might have been asleep and I woke him up by accident. Asked him if he was just turning his phone off to not get caught and he told me that he was just chilling. I went to the bathroom and flipped the lights outside. Had to blink a few times walking into the door and my gaze went up to the mirror. Confidence is on point today. My hair is looking similar to a messy anime character which I think is cool. Didn't even notice that my jogger strings were untied and pissed. Tied them up when I was done then washed my hands after checking my pupils in the mirror for a second. Then walked out and turned off the light before going back to get cashmere. Talked to Sam a bit about what he was doing today. He was waiting to leave with my mom on a walk then he has work at 9 this morning. So my mom will drive him. Back in my room now and going to see if my girl is up. Have to turn the lights on and my foot fell asleep (had to retype and added more details) (stopped typing at 6:41am)
6:44am My girl is on the bus. Left her a voice message. Gonna boot up discord and check the servers
Ski (close friend) changed his name to "THE REAL RYAN REYNOLDS" in the server. Then in the smaller one it is "deadpool". Almost cried. Idk why it made me so happy that he changed it to what I recommended. Been pretty emotional and impulsive on stims. Not really liking it, but I would say that people take it more positively than as me coming off too strong thankfully.
7:07am Spent some time checking snap stories. Not much going on today that I can actually go to. Got my earbuds in and vibing out.
7:11am Peered out my window and it's covered in droplets from the rain. It should be raining all day. Wishing I had some weed and nic. Rain is the perfect vibe for highs
Gucci of my city is so fucking hard
7:19am Og is taking 125mg dph today and will be joining us whenever we do the group trip. He wants to get some dxm for it
7:23am Posted on Twitter "03greedo one of the greats of today". He has quickly become one of my favorite artists and is so perfect for my highs. Loving the discord servers too. Great vibes and people. Life is feeling better lately and might just be due to being high, but who knows? Hopefully I feel the same after I have to stay sober
7:26am Added another photo of my pupils to the collection. Going to put into the discord
7:47am Had conversation with my mom about cashmere. She kept him up all night. About to leave for walk with him
7:50am Walked out the front door as I pocketed my earbuds. Had to put the leash under my foot while cash peed. It's drizzling and humid as balls
7:55 a.m. Had to stop for Cashmere approve on the corner. Went to pick up the poop and got it all in the bag. As I was flipping the bag inside out to tie off it burst at one of the seams. How do you use one hand to hold the bag. Cashmere's leaves was under my left foot. Had to use my other hand to grab another bag open it up and slip other bag inside. About halfway down the block by now
8:01 a.m. Cashmere keeps pulling on the leash have to keep rearranging his collar on him. He stopped about 2/3 down to the third corner to poop in somebody's yard. How to put the leash under one of my feet and still had to double bag the poop. Some of it got on the outside of the bag since they're too small to work with easily
8:03 a.m. An older woman with a long hair half white and half gray was at the corner working on her garden. She was kneeling while messing with some weeds and flowersHad a small conversation with her and told her to have a nice day. Getting to the last corner now. Should be home in about 5 minutes. Working up a small sweat. Not feeling too uncomfortable and my heart doesn't feel unhealthy. Also doesn't seem to be beating extremely fast. l have to take my concerta when I get home
8:09 a.m. Talked to my mom of the training cashmere to walk better. He had to drink some water and I used my gallon water bottle to fill it up. He is now eating
8:17 a.m. I was going down the stairs when I had to step over Spud. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I had to enter my mother's office. I was required to wait 5 minutes as my mom finished up some of her work. Went to wash my hands in the kitchen. As I was returning to the living room and walking toward the stairs my mom came to give me my dose. So 18.5 mg of prescription methylphenidate is now in my system. Took with a small sip of water right after taking off my shoes and socks. Now sitting in bed and going to lay down most of the day. I don't believe that I have any plans today
Found a really cool small YouTube channel from one of the servers. I enjoy the content and will probably watch while on the dxm. The visuals on the videos look like what my idea of acid is. Found a link to a 3000mg dxm report and will be reading during my trip
8:33 a.m. Was looking for my delsym to make sure I have it for the planes trip. Was freaking out because I didn't know where it went. After a little bit of fumbling through my stuff and searching I found it in one of my drawers. I still have absolutely no clue where the trash for the generic brand went
9:32 a.m. Was doing some research on combinations of stimulants and opioids. Found out that stimulants increase the effects of opioids and decrease the drowsiness. Quickly went downstairs and looked around. Assumed my mom took Sam to work. Noah was playing on the computer and focus on his game. Quickly and quietly walked over to the pantry. Kneeled and attempted to quietly and swiftly look through the bag of prescriptions. Grabbed six hydrocodone 5-325 mg with acetaminophen. Held in my hand and receded to my room. We're walking around downstairs notice my balance is slightly off and I feel a small amount of pressure in the back of my head. More somewhere to a headache than anything worrying. Going to take 10 mg of the hydrocodone and go from there
9:45 a.m Took a sip of water and popped the pills in my mouth. Got one down with the sip and got the other down with another. A bit harder than I would think, but they are a bit bigger than I'm used to. Didn't taste as bad as methylphenidate, but not as good as dextroamphetamine. Stomach a bit disturbed, but that's just in general
9:53 a.m. Added the 4 hydros to the stash with the 18 methylphenidate hcl. Waiting for the hydros to kick in. Will take more if they don't affect me much
10:13 a.m It's raining outside and it's so peaceful. My body is relieved of some of the sore and tensed muscles. I believe the hydros have begun to work. I am not feeling much of a high though
Have received 2 book recommendations from the pillhead server. Very nice people. Both books are my Oliver Sacks
10:18 a.m. When adding picture to cache of pupil pics I noticed they have shrunk almost all the way back to normal size. I believe it's because of the lighting and hydros. It's so surprising how no one ever notices my enlarged pupils
10:28 When walking around my room I seem to be lighter than normal. Going to check the dose info for peak time. No noticable head change yet. Still affected by soreness and such, but it continues to lessen and become less noticable
10:34 a.m. Popped another 5mg hydro with some water. Pocketing a 4th one for later. My body seems to be slowing down a bit
10:36 a.m. Going to add the other 2 pills to my pocket. Totalling to 3 on me for later. Going to gauge affects and dosage as day progresses. My speech isn't impaired to my knowledge. Although I'm typing slower than normal and feeling calmed. All of this was relatively expected
11:03 a.m. Had to set up Xbox and now on couch with cash. Mom and Noah are downstairs. Still feeling perfectly functioning. At least enough to be down here. Going to play some ghost recon breakpoint. I love it
11:16 a.m. Have taken one of the 5mg in my pocket. On a total of 20mg rn. Took forever to get into the game, but I'm gonna have so much fun. Listening to music on my phone too
11:32 a.m. Got some opioid itches coming through. It's bothering me, but I'm trying to ignore them. Not feeling as fucked up as I want
11:36 a.m. Been feeling a slight tightness in my chest for a while. I'm sweaty af and I hate it. My music won't load and it's pissing me off. I just want to be high😭
12:45 p.m. Talked to ski. He got his tabs in today. We're going to dose with og at 3am. I'm going to take my other 10mg hydros. Not feeling it much. I'm back upstairs after putting my hoodies on to wash. Want them both clean for my trip
1:12 p.m. Sitting on the toilet upstairs. My other 2 hydros I just took. Had to go back and forth from my room to here a few times. Grabbed my mom's vape juice and had to use a dropper like 4 or 5 times to fill up the pop. Took forever, but now I have nic for tonight and it'll be amazing
Got out of the bathroom after a nice shower at approximately 2:10 p.m.
2:27 p.m. Switched my hoodies into the dryer. Finally decided to stop hand drying my soft hoodie. Hopefully it doesn't get messed up. Got 7 more 5-325mg pills.
3:03 p.m. Was going to take more, but deciding against it as I'm not feeling good. Went downstairs and washed my mug. Took both dogs out. Had to walk them around some before they would potty. Took Spud first and then cashmere. Have to go outside and pick up Spudley's shit later. Wiped both their feet off. Collected 2 blankets for my bed. Have cashmere with me again and warm af. Grabbed my gallon water bottle and my mug. They're now on my desk and nightstand
4:57 p.m. Ski just dosed. Og on dxm and dph rn. Gonna try to get this delsym bottle down and keep it down. Stomach tweaking so I'm not sure
5:43 p.m. Called my girl for a bit. Turning off my snap notifications. Going to dose in a sec. Stomach feeling slightly better
5:56 p.m. Struggled to get down. Hopefully will keep it down. 888mg dxm trip otw. Hopefully I don't get seratonin syndrome. Cashmere is downstairs still. My light is on, but I'm gonna get up and turn it off. Need to put music on my computer
Hope I get into a coma or at least ego death. Would take my hydros and stims, but too much of a pussy for a painful death. I'm so tired of lying to myself about what's going on in my life. I'm so done with pretending people love me and that they actually think I'm gonna go anywhere in life. I'm so fucking done. Wish I wasn't a pussy
6:04 p.m. My vape is charging on my portable charger. Colin is here again for some reason. Hopefully no one needs anything tonight. Need to be left alone
I've realized how little I matter. I've slowly pushed myself into people lives and convinced them to care. I then juts cause pain and suffering in their lives. I try to help and it seems to them like I do, but it just makes them care more and hurts them more. I even managed to let ruby get taken. I can't ever get over it. I let him do it all. I let him get taken. I didn't even call the mf because I was too mf scared to call. I TOLD HIM I COULDNT BECAUSE I WAS FIXING MY VAPE. I've lied to everyone in my life. I will never open up. I can't anymore. I hope I die soon. More than ever. I have become my dad. I knew I could never be better. I'm so glad that most of the people ik can't ever see me or see who I am. I hate my life and it's my fault. I've never appreciated anything enough. My family is so fucking good. Everyone around me tried so fucking hard. I'll never be good enough for anything or anyone. I need to get high. I need some percs. I need to leave
6:43 p.m. Stomach is still mildly nauseous from dxm. That buzzed feeling is building in my arms and face. I'm under my blanket with my light/scent diffuser thing. It's getting hot, but I'm boxing it so I'll figure it out. Going to put on the peep doc and try not to feel too suicidal
7:17 p.m. Left the servers. Trying to get her to leave and take my soul with her. I can't ever do this again. I don't deserve anything good. The dxm is already hitting me, but not much. My pod is almost 1/2 done. Will run out by the end of the night. Will probably cry at least once. I will never stop hating myself. I'll never be good enough
7:53 pm Dxm hitting nice af. Went into my mom's room to go to the bathroom. Grabbed some juice. Now have a full bottle and don't have to worry about nic. Hopefully she doesn't notice. Went downstairs. I feel like I'm on stilts rn. My calves feel heavy and sore, but they're slowly fading to the weightless vibe of dxm. I'd say this my favorite comeup so far. Had my mom bring cashmere to me. Going to bring him out and put his food in my room
8:02 pm Brought Cash out. Wind felt amazing. Movement made me burp a whole bunch. Probably going to puke eventually. I'm experiencing something close to Alice in Wonderland; that size change. As if I'm growing taller and shorter. It keeps morphing my depth perception. Had to bring cashmere a few driveways down because he was barking at something. The dogs have been weird after the hurricane. I wish I knew what it was. He peed and pooped so he should be fine without leaving the room for a few hours. Weird door alarm went off as I came inside. I was holding cash's leash with my right hand. Grasping it excessively tight since I can't feel how hard my touch is. Put in my code and it didn't light up or unlock so I put my thumb on the protruding leaf like metal sheet and pushed down. As I opened the door I held it open with my right hand. This weird alarm went off. It's supposed to be for entering the wrong code 3 times in a row, but that wasn't what happened. It just started flashing red as I got inside. I attempted to mess with it, but Jeremy fixed it by closing and locking the door. Apparently it needed to lockdown for a second. My fingers might have accidentally pressed the buttons while I was holding the door open. I then talked to Jeremy about what happened. Then took cashmere's pinch collar off and hung it up on the wall with the leash. We have 2 little boards with 4 hooks on them at the bottom of the stairs on the left. I then softly tugged cashmere upstairs by his collar. We are now snuggling in my bed and I'm feeling high af(stopped typing @ 8:12pm)
8:15 pm Struggling to type because it feels quicker than normal and at the same time slowed down some. Super weird. I'm not dissociated yet
8:20 pm My mouth is vibrating almost. Feels like when your teeth chatter, but without the clacking together and cold. Just weird shaking or twitches. As I sat up I looked down at my legs and they look huge
8:23 pm Leaned over my legs to reach for my vape. Accidentally knocked over my juice. Had to turn on my phone light and stand up. I then kneeled down and put the little bottle upright. I'm now laying on my right side with cashmere infrint of me and curled up in a cute little ball. Have my vape right next to me now
8:27 pm My phone is looking smaller than I'm used to. My hands look bigger than my mind thinks they should be. It's super cool. The size changes of those 2 things are the same as the last trip too
8:30pm Got cash to move closer to me. High kicking in even more. Got earbuds in and listening to 03
8:37pm Texting ski on discord. Reenabled notifications. Gonna try to convince him to call. The dxm is making the vape so nice and smooth. Not really tasting it though
8:42pm After looking around I noticed that my room appears much bigger and open than normal. It's so cool
8:45pm My eyes and body feel extremely accelerated in relation to movement
8:56pm Ski is now in my mind like an older brother. Already love him so much. I hope I can keep him in my life as long as possible
The dxm has me so high I can easily hit blinkers on my vape
9:04 pm Me and ski on discord. He's painting for me and I'm so happy. My thoughts are flooring so freely. As I describe what I want him to paint it takes me to this darkened first with mushrooms and high trees. Fog blowing into the forest and drifting in beautiful wisps past me
9:06 pm I feel like a midget and and that most things are tiny or big. Things are shifting as my fov moves. Almost just lost my vape. My body is so nice and tight, but only in my right hand and up the forearm. I'm assuming it's what an asleep limb feels like on dxm
9:11 pm Taking out my earbuds relieves the high somewhat. Dissociation is starting now and I'm so happy. My hands feel heavy though
9:12 pm I'm having to blink a lot. My vision is compiling it feels. As if my gaze is snapping up to words that I'm not trying to look at while I'm trying to type. Creating this affect where I look up and down swiftly and periodically. Small ringing in my right ear. It was from the ac starting up. My lungs can open up so much now and I love it
9:21pm Switching between speakers on my computer and earbuds plugged into my phone is a world of difference
9:30pm I keep switching between snap and discord, but my body is going numb and the letters are small. My phone seems like a little toy phone
9:31pm I'm having this feeling that I'm about to skip away from time. It's going to lose its presence and importance in my mind. Happening slowly. My body I'd feels like a brick when I hold it still now instead of a feather, but as soon as I sit up that feather feeling returns. As I lay back down my limbs grow heavy for a second time. Mostly my arms when I try to have them elevated infront of my face while being my phone. My whole body is developing this feeling. Going to attempt to move cashmere or something else.
When I lay down I feel as if my body morphs all together and freezes in the place I'm holding it. In my boxers rn and noticing that I'm more flexible than normal and feeling free
9:41 pm Cashmere flipped onto his right side and has his back pressed to me. Getting up and going to fill vape
9:43pm I found the perfect way to describe it. When I lay down my whole body goes numb other than my forehead itself
9:47pm Sat up. Succeeded in getting 03 greedo playing on computer. Will work on vape. Might have shit my pants
9:55pm completely out of it. Forgot I had a family and anything other than my room. Going to fill vape and go on walk with Cash. Didn't shit my pants. Just tripping
10:03 pm As I was getting dressed everything looks more pronounced. Best way to describe it is thicker and smaller
10:05 Shoes are on and I'm sitting on the edge of my bed. I have a weird mf taste in my mouth and my body is shaking/going numb. Had to hide vape. It is safe with the ejuice
10:14pm Outside on a walk with cashmere I feel a mix of heavy and light. Ok I'm walking all fucked up. Wind is so nice and night allows my eyes some rest, but still to look around and experience. Have to pick up cash's poop
10:35 pm Time has lost all meaning. When I picked up the poop I was stumbling about slightly. I just grabbed it in the bag and threw it in the trash. Didn't tie it or anything. Feels like 12 hours have passed since I dosed, but not true. As we were leaving the side of the block where he pooped he was sniffing at many random patches of grass and hurricane damage. Such as fallen, trees leaves, and sticks. After the yard past the side of the block where the poop rested; the next houses side walk was covered in a 6" layer of water. I pulled cashmere through the yard and realized quickly through the soaking of my shoes that the yard was drowned. I got him into the driveway and we ran 2/3 of that side. As we turned the corner we had slowed to a steady walking pace. I was trying to watch infront of me when he took off, but he didn't. I'm so fucked up that I have to white knuckle the leash or else I'm holding it too loose. I tried to look at what he was barking at and interested in, but I couldn't make out exact form since I'm so inebriated. I believe that it was a cat. The sky was beautiful and looked just like sunrise to my tweaker eyes. When I got home still said nothing to Noah. Not wanting to chance him seeing something strange. I was walking crazily though. When I looked up at the sky and clouds they seemed to just take over my mind with how magnificent they are. They made me lose track of time and everything else. I closed my eyes and walked for a few seconds. Best feeling in the world. Walked cashmere in the street most of the way around the block. One of the tarps flapping on the roof of a house freaked me out. Got inside and struggled to get cashmere's paws dry. I was very cautious and gentle. He isn't as clean as he could be, but I'd rather him be safe and dirty than hurt and clean. Dropped the leash and pinch collar on the floor before picking it up and placing it on the Google. Then I led cashmere upstairs to my room with me. Had such a hard time filling the pod. Listening to 03 on my computer. Cashmere in my bed and working with the pod to get it ready. (stopped typing at 10:58pm)
11:05 pm Cleaned off the pod. Paused my PC. Adjusted on the bed. Getting up to turn the light out and feeling so weird and amazing. Going to lay down and just chill for a few hours
11:12pm Went downstairs to wash my hands then realized that my entire body is numb still. It's going to be numb for a while. I might have induced psychosis, but idk
11:14pm Going to get into bed and relax all night with vape in hand and dxm feelings slapping. I just realized I have to go shit my guts out 😭(didn't go downstairs yet)
11:21pm I'm really worried about ski. He's not active, but I hope he's okay. I haven't talked to him for an hour and he's high as balls. I miss the servers. Idk why I had to have a mental breakdown right before dxm and ended up fucking the shit out of my life
12:04am Met Francis in someone that's no one's server
1:03am Ski was just painting. I've made my life something I can't return to
1:26am The numb feeling has almost when off. I really enjoyed the trip, but was terrible situation. Still moderately high, but more in control now. Very angry and hating myself
7:16am Not really sure how I feel. I don't think I'm high anymore, but haven't stood up. After sitting up just now I remain very high. Can still hit blinkers on my vape. Going to try to repair some of the damage I did yesterday
7:25am I texted her this morning and she just pretended I didn't say shit. I told her I love her and she said it back, but I don't even know what's real anymore. Not because of the drugs; it's because I'm so confused about her. It's going to eat away at me all day. Every day. I'm going to to ask her out today after she gets back from school(complicated ass situation)
7:59 am Switched positions in my bed. Now behind cashmere. Refilled my pod again. It might be burnt, but I can't tell until I come down. I'll probably just mope around all day
8:24 am HOLY FUCK. RUBY'S BACK. I MISSED HIM SO MUCH
9:17 am Ski changed his profile picture from comic Deadpool singing everyone bites the dust to the gasping Deadpool scene where the bullet goes in his ass. It's kinda funny. Ik for a fact I'm gonna hurt so much when I come down
9:28 am Messaged an old friend. Asked him if he wanted to go to a movie next month. Going to text another friend and check on them

tldr on the bottom
 
This sub has been so eye opening and I've never felt like I was been seen so much until now. Since there isn't many posts from this perspective, I thought I'd add mine in case it can help anyone else from a similar background.
 
I recently got diagnosed at the age of 26 and it's been such an eye opener. I grew up with classic immigrant parents who kept reinforcing academics as my only way our of poverty, interpreted my restlessness as immaturity, and thought I was just lazy and guilted me to work harder by showing the sacrifices they made for me. They also iterated that I had to work twice as hard because we're not American and disciplined me to not embarrass them in front of others. I also grew up really poor and lost my mother when I was in high school.
 
There's a Korean word call han that supposedly every single Korean person feels. It symbolizes that life is unjust but there is even beauty in the suffering that you can not run away from. Really...hits the nail on the head with this journey of realization.
 
I struggled a lot with depression and CPTSD from this since along with the death of a parent, immigrating and being a POC I realized can be quite traumatic. Because of the sort of guilt and expectations to make it, I managed to do "fine" in school and "succeed" in a career because I assumed I was just dumber so that meant I just had to work longer.
 
For me the main triggers that allowed me to discover that it might be ADHD was therapy and processing my emotions instead of suppressing them. I came out to my family, didn't go well, had an emotional breakdown, etc etc. One traumatic memory would then trigger another traumatic memory in an infinite loop, where I would be "smart" enough to realize what was happening and attack myself for not being able to stop it. Every little sad thing I felt kept swirling in my head and I felt insane because my sister, who had a similar upbringing, did not go through something similar and instead told me I was very emotional and just needed to let the past go.
 
I kept thinking there was something fundamentally wrong with me and tried to look for answers. Acknowledging my depression allowed me to then opened up the possibility of other neurological conditions.
 
I remembered in college how weird it was that cocaine mellowed me out and snorting Ritalin also made me feel calmer compared to my friends who couldn't stfu. That made me realize I've been drinking 4+ cups of coffee a day to feel relaxed, friends call me chaotic, I have a horrible memory, can not read a fucking book without forgetting what I just read, go to bed super late with my brain being "fully on" at like 1 am, and constantly think about everything I have to do and feel overburdened by it and then not do it.
 
Another big illuminating bit was realizing ADHD had been impacting my relationships for years. I've never had a relationship longer than a few months without eventually feeling trapped or seeing every little imperfection about them, while the first few weeks I wanted to spend every single day with them and just overlooked every single red flag. I just thought I was broken or our formative life experiences were just "too different".
 
I went on antidepressants (Wellbutrin) and made peace with my parents, but the racing thoughts and anxiety never went away. I realized I was scapegoating everything on depression. I started generic Methylphenidate ER 27MG and it has been almost night and day for me.
 
My uncontrollable racing thoughts just stopped.
 
For those from similar backgrounds, it's amazing how much just turning off the thoughts help with depression. One racist encounter no longer starts triggering every single other encounter you've faced in a never ending loop of sadness.
 
Chatting with your friends and hearing something unintentionally othering (ie. remembering how your family never got to go on vacations) does not start flooding your mind with all the other traumas of poverty and how "different" you are, and how fundamentally broken and damaged you are or how you'll never fit in anywhere.
 
It's also helped me look back at many childhood traumas and let me heal. I wasn't lazy, I'm not broken, my parents couldn't help me because they were victims to their own upbringing and too busy surviving, my teachers didn't help me because "asian kids are naturally good at school" or "oh it must be a cultural difference".
 
tldr;
Immigrant kids who are questioning. It's not your fault, life just hands you what it gives you. Just working harder than others is not always the only solution. Being a minority is hard enough, and feeling like you don't fully belong in either worlds can trick you into accepting a medical condition as your own shortcoming.
 
The journey might alleviate a lot of childhood traumas like it did for me, to show there is potential for beauty to be found in all the suffering you've endured.
 
Your parents fought to survive in a foreign world, remember that you have the fight in you to do the same as well.

Hello. Although I'm 15, you (the viewer) really need to take this paragraph seriously because I am so damn drug addicted at my stupidly young age and at this current time want to kill myself.
First the story begins with myself living in australia. I had lovely grandparents that looked after me as a substitute to my mother who sent me away from herself in new zealand (an island). I eventually got very spoiled, had good friends and I threatened my grandparents on moving back to new zealand with approval of my mom.
I had everything you could possibly want in australia. Friends, good weather, loving grandparents, and suddenly I moved back to new zealand with my poor single mother.
When I arrived back as a completely different person my mother disapproved. I was fat, lazy, rude, ungrateful and went through a series of running away , threatening to kill myself, police being called on violent action, and then it came to the point where my mom walked up to me and asked 13 year old me "your either living with your father (whom I have never seen in my life) or I am living on the streets as foster homes wouldn't accept me.
So the decision was made. I chose my dads place as it seemed as the only place of hope. I was already depressed and the words my mom said to me on the way of dropping me off to my dad's didn't help. " Should have got an abortion " was a key sentence I will forever remember for the rest of my life.
My brothers were crying the whole way and eventually I was dropped off at 5:30 to my grandma's house as mom didn't know where my dad's house was. She kicked me out the car and drove off in a sudden with myself crying and pulling the finger to her.
Eventually I adapted to my dad's place with a promising welcome, but my father was very strict and scary at first. I felt depressed for many months. My mom didn't love me , I had no good friends, all I wanted to do was kill myself.
Eventually things settled down with living with dad . He started to reason with me and he was starting to Be kind to me, and depression wasnt that bad, but a school camp changed it all.
I went in a school camp which was targeted for depressed kids . I came across a "friend" who offered to sell me ADHD medications as a way to get high. This substance is called methylphenidate, is a stimulant and is quite strong. my friend sells it very cheap and I purchased some pills. I snorted them and gave some to my other junkie friend who has never paid me back to this day. I stayed up all night and got really screwed up.
Eventually I got quickly addicted to this substance and put aside earned money to buy it at school. Money went down, some as much as $100 to my friends so they can pay me back (still unpaid) so I can present my kindness, and of course spent on this drug. I took it in severely high amounts at least 3 times every week, sometimes every day. It wasn't long until I became a slave to this drug. Taking money out my savings towards a car just to get this drug. I took and I took, and on days without the drug, testing other medical drugs ranging from chugging cough syrup, or antihistamines to even high amounts of Panadol just for a small feeling of anything different than normal. One day I even took 600mg of codeine And I still don't know how I'm alive from such an amount.
To this current stage I have run out of this drug that has slaved nearly a year of my life away and many packages ordered at school are yet to arrive. I can't get away from this drug and I am in serious consideration of ending my life because everything I want my future to be is slowly drowning away from me as my grades are dropping and I used to be incredibly smart and now I can't remember things and I sometimes hear voices, knocking and other mysterious sounds along with depression and getting dumb.
An occasion at my school hurt me alot. I was caught doing weed and I screamed at the teachers and my counselor to not to tell my strict father or I was literally going to end my life there and now. I was going to run to the stair case and jump from 8 metres in the air.
I hate my life. I have no friends. Money is draining. My life is fading quite literally from heart problems I get occasionally ever since usage of this drug started, and I can't see a happy future anymore.
Any help is useful.
☹️

This is gonna be a long post, but I hope you enjoy the story!
The events take place from 9:00 AM Tues November 3rd 2020 to 4:30 AM Friday November 6 2020
Tuesday
I woke up around 9 am with no intentions to do any of this. I had very little work to do, plus it was election day which never fails to hype me up every time it happens. I get more excitement from watching that than any sport or show TBH. Anyways, the day beforehand I had a headache that lasted pretty much all day. I took Tylenol, nicotine, caffeine, and weed to relieve it but it still persisted into the next day. I had a bottle of robocough 30s that I impulsively bought when they dropped, I hadn't taken any yet, but I was saving it for a rainy day kind of thing. I took about 60 mg and then went to go take a covid test, and even off of that tiny amount of dxm, my headache was cured and I was already getting tunnel vision which only made me crave more.
When I got home I took 2 more, then 4 more, then another 4, and ANOTHER 4 over the course of like 2 hours bringing my total to 480mg. I also took a welbutrin with them (i’m prescribed, i don’t take it pharmaceutically but only as a potentiation agent. i also drank grapefruit juice for the same reason) then went skateboarding as they were setting in. i would say i take dxm every few months or so, so i don’t have a tolerance and almost every time i take it i throw up. my review of the robo 30s is that they are better than the gels or syrup, but the nausea is simply a part of how the high feels. i didn’t throw up on the r30s, but every time i got off the skateboard i felt like i was moving so fucking slow and would trip substantially harder than when I was riding my board. I basically got myself lost for fun and tried to find my way back home without a map, and if I were to guess, I went about 6 miles. this trip was a very positive experience, and when i finally got home i felt so inexplicably grateful for the friendship that i had with my roommates and gave them a hug and talked to them as i was coming down, but the comedown was shit. this was around 4:20 pm.
I then took 4 more pills, 600mg total now and just laid in my bed watching tik toks, the best thing to do when you’re feeling fucking braindead. at this point i was getting visuals, really shiny lines like how a bubble or oil looks on water appearing to be projected on my walls in extremely low lighting. eventually i got up because the election results started coming in, and even though i still had double vision from the dxm i felt sober at this point, with a minor stomachache. i proceed to drink a whole nip of captain morgans and ate some food, not a lot but i ate consistently, like a little bit every hour. me and my friend, i’ll call him Y for the rest of the story watched the election results for a few hours until another friend called around 11. i’ll call him speed racer because he loves amphetamines and asked us if we were busy. i drove a few minutes to his place to pick him up and we came back to my place after a 20 minute or so round trip.
12:00 am Nov. 4th
one of us is prescribed ritalin and it’s kind of a tradition that we snort one whenever we hang out, and there was one more left so we crushed up a pill and split 20mg of methylphenidate between 3 people. this propelled me to about 6 am, where we just talked about whatever people high on amphetamines talk about when they’re high on amphetamines, time flies when you’re having fun. at some point this night too i ripped like half of my big toenail off because i felt like it was too long, it still hurts but i feel like that’s one of the retarded things you do on speed that you won’t even think about. anyways, around 6 am speed racer blessed me with a 60mg vyyvanse and then i boldly declared that i was gonna stay up until the election was called. not too long after this, Y was leaving my apartment and my cat ran outside, we sprinted after him but unfortunately couldn’t catch him. i looked around for like an hour but couldn’t find him, and i was upset about it but didn’t put me out of the game yet. we then bought like an eighth of weed, and before he left speed racer gave me an adderall 30mg pill which had actual meth in it.
around 4 pm before i had to go into work i took the meth pill and had one of my best days there. i felt so jovial and confident even though i kept fucking up left and right but was also dangerously unaware, constantly thinking “wait what was i doing.” the meth made me talk to my coworkers more than ever before, but unfortunately it didn’t last through my whole shift and died off around 11 pm after i smoked a spliff outside. immediately after going back inside i felt like i could hear every conversation happening in the entire building at the same time, which was almost deafening. i also could hear people i knew shouting my name among all the chatter. at this point i was really self conscious and was questioning if i could actually function in the state i was in, but i somehow pulled through. to cap off this day, my roommate found my cat by a tree a few minutes away and made my power level shoot through the roof, motivating me to keep this experiment going
12:00 am Nov. 5th
i smoked a blunt with some coworkers after work and was left alone at around 3 am, which is when i decided to take a walk. i walked about 5 miles in the dark. i wasn’t getting full-on hallucinations yet, but i had copious illusions, where i would constantly recognize random things to be a person or animal. in windows i could see the electoral map. i also got the sense i was being watched a couple times, and saw minor glitches in reality, like a signpost turning around for a split second. when i got back i felt pretty tired, so i popped another vyyvanse 60 that was in my stash. by the way, these were tested and they’re legit, unlike the adderall. the last thing i remember was at about 6:30, hour 45. i was on my computer looking for a new south park episode that i almost could have sworn i saw on the tv at work. i've seen every episode and i was sure that this one was new, this one had butters actually die in the hospital and i couldn't believe that they killed the character off. while looking for it i blacked out, and came to consciousness an hour later playing out a scenario where my job was to sell random items, and i had to go find them somewhere in my house to get money.
i eventually thought “ok wtf am i doing” and sobered up, but not sober enough to join my class at 9 am. i just couldn’t figure out how to join it for the life of me. fucked around for 2 more hours but this is the foggiest part of the entire experience for me, i might have even actually fell asleep because when i i sobered up i was in bed watching youtube 2 inches in front of my face, right as my second class was about to begin. i logged onto that one as i ate some breakfast and chatted with my roommate. eventually, two more of my friends knocked on our door then Y & i went with them to a sushi restaurant. on our way back, i copped some newports and pbr coffee and drank all 4 as i smoked the last of my weed. i took about 4 shots as well, and felt fucked up, but no hallucinations or anything. i sobered up at like 10 or 11 and went to a bar with Y, then everything started to go to shit.
I chilled there for like an hour or so before it was a stage by stage thought pattern of “damn, i need water,” to “damn i need to sit down” to "damn i feel like shit," which started after someone let me hit their dab pen. i remember the moment i started to feel bad was i was talking to this one fellow and the saturation of everyone in the back dipped, and this guy just seemed like he was evil even though we were having a normal conversation. i texted Y that i was gonna dip but couldn’t find him, so i decided to wait for him to come back. when he came back he was trying to convince me to sober up and stay there even though at that point my vision was straight static and everyone's voices were drowned out by a high pitch noise. right as we were leaving, Y took my skateboard and said “i’ll carry it home for you buddy” as he proceeded to try and convince some random dude at the bar to do dxm. at that point, i just grabbed my board out of his hands and left
12:00 Nov. 6th
i left the bar a little after midnight and the walk home was trippy as hell. i started to see geometry and cats moving, but everything i saw was hiding behind something. it was like being on every drug at once but in ten second intervals, definitely the most similar to dph though. when i got back i hopped in the shower, and heard clear as day Y blasting music and my neighbors knocking on the wall to turn it down, but when i got out nobody was there. My roommate told me he had a chick over so i figured it would be the perfect time to sleep, but I wouldn't end up crashing for another 4 hours.
as soon as i got into bed, Y pulled up and told me that he invited over a bunch of people from the bar to come hang out at my place. i told him i didn’t want anyone here, and told him to leave before they got here. unfortunately, he was blacked out so he didn't process it, and within like one minute all these sketchy ass people arrived, probably like 7 total. as soon as they walked in i told everyone to leave in the nicest way that i could, like “hey guys, i don’t want to be an asshole, but i need to get some sleep and i don’t know you so please leave” but they didn't want to listen. at this point, i was pissed, and i started yelling at them to get the FUCK out, and that is when they started to respond. this one motherfucker had the audacity to say “bro i’m just tryna smoke some weed in here” and i was ready to kick his teeth in but i did let him take shit in my bathroom, only because he said it was an emergency. i wish i didn't, but i was too tired to start shit so i let that one slide. there was also this one mom that was like “oh i’m sorry i’m so sorry it’s my birthday i never wanted this to happen oh my god.” one of the people that was there even took my side and started to push people out the door. I don't remember too much about the rest of them, but they were all obnoxiously drunk. i brought this moment up to my roommate the next day, but he said that he didn't hear anyone besides me and Y, and Y was too fucked up to remember anything so it's up in the air if this actually happened. this was nothing too out of the ordinary though, so i'm fairly confident that it happened.
after like 5 minutes they finally left and i locked the door, and Y came back screaming something about police which made my heart drop. he said that they were talking to the people that were just here on the street outside our building, and i told him that’s his problem and i want him to leave because it's not my problem. he then fell asleep on my couch as one of the guys that he invited over came in and chilled in my living room playing on his phone. after i kicked them out again, Y banged on my window for like an hour begging for a lighter, and i drew the line there because i knew i wouldn’t get it back anyways. as i’m writing this two retards are still in front of my door bitching about me not letting them in. at 4:35 am they finally left. ~68 hours now, time to get some sle-
and that's all i wrote. will i do this again? hell yeah, but i'm gonna go longer, and i need better things to do. this ordeal made me decide to quit weed, but next time i go longer than 68 hours i'm gonna smoke weed and hopefully go psychotic like i wanted to. currently i have a strong desire to do this again, but i'm gonna wait at least a month because binging on amphetamines once a week isn't a good habit to have. next time i think i'll shoot for 100 hours.
thanks for reading!

I planned on posting this to unpopularopinion, but it got removed. Also, I am new to this sub, so my apologies if it breaks rule 3 (being a discussion). This is meant to be a discussion. Without further ado:
Yes - cocaine, methamphetamine, heroin, LSD, cannabis, and everything. From a libertarian standpoint, I do not believe anyone should control what someone else does that does not significantly harm anyone else. The amount of people that feel they have the right to demand that others not do something that they see as "bad" or "unhealthy" even if the act does not, in and of itself, harm others, is evil. I only have up to 100 years of existence. Nobody should be able to control what I do so long as I am not harming others. I view most people that support drug prohibition to be analogous to the KKK wanting interracial marriage illegal or ISIS wanting to whip unmarried individuals for having sex. I do understand that most would make the argument that drug legalization will harm other people either financially or physically. The next two paragraphs address this potential financial and physical harm.
Some might claim drug legalization will harm others via tax money and hospital cost-shifting used to pay for the medical treatment of people that overdose or suffer from a drug related vehicle collision, since the EMTALA act (in the USA) requires that anyone at the emergency department be stabilized regardless of ability to pay. To me, this is an argument for EMTALA revision or DWI laws, not drug prohibition. The flaw that causes this dilemma is not the use of drugs; it's the government telling you that you have to pay for other people's mistakes. Not to mention, the taxation (sales tax at the least and possibly a “sin tax”) and decrease in tax money used for drug-related incarceration (which on average costs more than $31,000 per inmate per year, according to the Vera Institute of Justice) would probably be enough for the country to spend more money on healthcare (which is only as expensive as it is because of certain major flaws, but this topic is for another time).
One might also claim that drug legalization will harm others by increasing drug-induced crime, violence, etc. This may or may not be true, but it cannot be talked about without also talking about how drug legalization would drastically decrease gang violence, incarceration, and overdoses/poisoning from unregulated and impure drugs (e.g. repressed "Xanax" bars containing fentanyl, toxins in incorrectly manufactured meth, a new batch of heroin that is way stronger than previously, etc), which I suspect causes way more harm than the effects of legalizing drugs. The bottom line is that living has risks associated with it, but outlawing (or creating legal limits for) everything that could possibly harm someone else like golfing, playing with fireworks, and using drugs is not the answer. Judgement must be used. Should we be allowed to own atomic bombs? Probably not. Drugs? I believe we should.
My next point is that I do not believe drugs are as bad as people think. As an alcoholic and one who has experimented with most drugs, I must say, they are all only as bad as people think they are if they are abused very frequently. It is fallacious to say “every meth-head I see is homeless and toothless” because one who says that is most likely using homelessness and dental hygiene as ways to qualify people as meth-heads, and thus they are committing confirmation bias. People that think this have probably just wrongly assumed that all the meth users that do have teeth and a nice home are not meth users. Not to mention correlation does not equal causation. Maybe meth users do often have bad teeth, but we cannot just assume meth causes dental issues (maybe since meth is a cheap drug per recreational dose, poor people tend to use it more, and poor people may not be able to afford dental care or toothpaste).
My next point is that most people actually use or support the use of these drugs medically. Benzodiazepines (Xanax, Ativan, Valium, klonopin) work on the exact same receptors as alcohol, although they are more selective. Methamphetamine is chemically similar and almost therapeutically identical to amphetamine and methylphenidate (Adderall and Ritalin). In fact methamphetamine is medically used in some places under the brand name Desoxyn for ADHD and weight loss. Heroin (diamorphine) is chemically similar and almost therapeutically identical to other opioids. Cocaine is used in some places for anesthesia. I just feel like I have the right as a human, to educate myself, go to the store, and buy whatever drug I think will be therapeutic for me (i.e. opioids for pain, benzodiazepines for seizures or infrequent anxiety, etc) without spending hundreds of dollars for a doctor to allow me to buy it or something similar.
Then, of course, we have the social issues. If it is true that "smelling an odor of marijuana" is a common mechanism used by police to discriminate against minorities, then my proposal would prevent that. Anyone who wants to decrease the proportion of blacks in prison that is higher than their proportion of the population, should agree with me.
In conclusion, I have two question for anyone who supports the prohibition of drugs: Why do you think it is morally acceptable to support and request that people come and wrap me up in chains, kidnap me, force me into a car at gun-point, and lock me in a cage because I decided to snort something or smoke something in my own home? If I don't like the fact that you eat unhealthy food, smoke cigarettes, or listen to filthy music should I be allowed to pay people to abduct you?
Despite my aggressive tone, I want to thank everyone who has read this, regardless of your opinion on the topic. I am open to discuss if anyone wants to. If this gets removed, I guess I'll give up, lol.

Hey guys so I’m new to this subreddit, definitely not anywhere new to Reddit. Anyways I was looking for some advice. If I’m breaking any rules, I apologize in advance. Anyways so I was on 72mg of Concerta and 20mg of Ritalin IR in the evening for 14 years, (from ages 8 all the way to 22) I am 23 now, turning 24 in October and I just started seeing a new psychiatrist and he switched me out of nowhere from the Concerta & Ritalin combo to Adderall XR 30mg. I don’t know what it is, but I highly preferred the methylphenidate compared to the amphetamine salts I take now, which is kind of suprising but maybe it’s because I was on Ritalin for so long but when I was taking it for medicinal purposes it was very effective, and when I occasionally used it recreationally (pre gaming for a party, etc) it was simply: AWESOME. Now I’m on this Adderall and while it is still effective for medicinal use, I just don’t enjoy the high as much when I take it intranasally (I make sure to crush the beads before railing it so it’s not that) It just doesn’t seem to be as euphoric and the high doesn’t seem as clean to me, which seems to be the backwards experience than what most people prefer.
Anyways in high school my buddy was prescribed focalin XR 35mg and when he would give me some for free here and there, I crushed the beads and snorted it, MAN... that was absolutely the most euphoric experience I had. Like it blew everything else out of the water except for cocaine, it even topped meth for me. The high was just indescribable. Anyways I was wondering how I could convince my doctor to switch me over to dexmethylphenidate or at the very least back to just plain methylphenidate. Maybe just coke and coke-like stimulants (methylphenidate I’m sure as all you guys know is molecularly very similar to cocaine) feel better to me. But anyways I want to be able to switch over to either focalin or Ritalin but I don’t know how to go about doing that without raising suspicion. While I don’t see my psychiatrist for these purposes, he does also specialize in addiction medicine so I know he is definitely very in tune with what drug seeking behavior and I don’t want to raise any red flags that would cause me to lose my script for stimulants as I do need stims for my severe ADHD, as I use it recreationally only once in a blue moon. Does anyone have any input on how to go about this?
TL;DR I am currently on Adderall after being on Ritalin for a long time, and would like to switch back to either Ritalin or to Focalin but don’t want to raise any red flags with my psychiatrist. Any input on how to go about this would be much appreciated!

Note: Sorry if this isn’t allowed here, feel free to remove if it isn’t. As far as I could see there aren’t rules here against recreational use guides.
I’m making this cuz I see a lot of hate on concerta/methylphenidate ER here when it actually has incredible recreational value if properly extracted. These pills generally contain 2-5 times the amount of methylphenidate that Ritalin does. It’s sorta hard to extract the methylphenidate from it to rail it, but with this tek it’s simple and can be done with just fingernails and a sharp tool. These pills are the ones that say “alza” and then a milligrams amount on them.
Step 1: Cut the pill in half. Very simple, scissors are the best tool to use but a knife also works.
Step 2: Use fingernails and/or a knife to take off the outer coating on both halves. This contains a little bit of methylphenidate and should be taken orally. You can’t crush this to snort it.
Step 3: You should now have 2 halves. One half will have will be a greenish-gray color. Toss this once you remove the coating and use fingernails/a sharp tool to remove all the greenish-gray stuff off of your other half. It’s useless, contains no methylphenidate. It’s the extended release mechanism.
Step 4: Cut the remaining half (white color and/or red color) in half lengthwise.
Step 5: There’s a shitty waxy paper-like coating around your 2 lengthwise good parts. Peel this off, using fingernails. When it’s cut in half lengthwise, it’s very easy to do this.
Step 6: Once you have all the waxy paper off, crush it up. A credit card is sufficient, you may have better results by smashing it with a mortar and pestle or a hammer but this isn’t necessary.
Step 7: You now have 1-5 times the amount of methylphenidate a Ritalin pill contains. Get a credit card, make some lines, then use a straw or dollar bill to rail that. Due to the coronavirus around right now, don’t share a snorting tool or use a recently acquired bill.
Note: You are taking in a LOT of methylphenidate by doing this, don’t do more than 54mg at once without waiting between and seeing how you feel.
Step 8: Enjoy. If you have any questions about this tek, comment and I’ll be happy to answer.

I underwent general anesthesia 4 days ago for the removal of my upper wisdom teeth and screws from a bsso I underwent a bit more than a year ago (there was no medical reason why I had them removed).
The osteotomy I underwent last year was the first time I went under full anesthesia (I’m 19y old btw) and everything healed well without any complications. I was very scared to undergo surgery for the first time but everything went very smooth. No nausea afterwards, almost no bleeding, little scar tissue (although I lost some sensation in my underlip on the right side and also somewhat around my gums), no extreme fatigue the following days,…
But this time It did hurt (or I do remember it at least) when they induced narcosis, like a burning feeling (probably propofol?). They also told me they would give me a strong painkiller just before I blanked out. I can’t remember if they’ve administered such a strong painkiller last time but they did gave me oral painkillers before and after surgery last year (not this time).
I woke up in the recovery because I was struggling to freely breath (just a bit uncomfortable nothing more). They helped me to clear my mouth from the blood I was gargling. I fell back asleep but woke up a bit later as I started to jerk a little (muscle twitching) with my full body. They asked if I was cold which I replied no to but they took my temperature and put some blankets over me (so I was probably just cold). A bit later they removed the oxygen tube thing from my nose. I fell back asleep (they already did put pillows under my head and changed the ice packs multiple times) and when they came to get me to my room they noticed that my nose had been bleeding (looked off course worse than it was). They stuffed it with cotton to stop it and changed everything that was covered in blood. I did feel slightly sick when waking up but nothing major. I had absolutely no pain (not even when fully conscious again) but did had a slight headache (this time they gave me an IV with antibiotics and nothing to take afterwards anymore). I was the day after very tired and the headache remained (mostly at the right side of my head and behind my right eye for one reason or another). The wound in my inside cheeks (only at the lower jaw from where they removed the screws) is way/and feels way larger than last time. Certainly in my right cheek. But I’m not sure if I’ve created it or if the surgeon botched me up (as I think I bit on it when waking up which could’ve caused the bleeding).
But now my main concern: Since last surgery from 4 days ago I feel extremely nervous and tense. I’m easily startled and every noise can create a jumpscare moment (phone ringing, people walking by,…). I’ve been impolite towards my relatives and get very easily agitated by them. I’m not super energetic but I have difficulty falling asleep (keep ruminating thoughts without being stressed about it). I feel “stressed” without a stressor. I also need to pee very frequently (no abnormalities present in urine, no pain,…). I do sweat easily during night but it was already a certain time ago that it was this bad. Everything was soaked in cold sweat this morning. That does happen more often but I also feel clammy (no fever or so) during the day now. When in a conversation with someone I just keep talking excessively. I also noticed something that I do which is rather strange. It’s not all the time but I “pull my toes up” (like they don’t hit the ground at that moment) when standing still and occasionally also when walking.
I need to mention that I have mental health problems and that I’m not sure if this is something physical or psychosomatic (which could certainly be). I’m very concerned that I would provoke a psychosis. I have no history of any psychotic symptoms but I do have close family that has severe schizophrenia (and I’m also on the age of onset for it so that makes me even more concerned). I have a diagnosis of autism and do have some emotion regulation problems anyways but I’m acting strange in my opinion (as there is no cause for this feeling). I’m more often tensed but this is normally only of short duration and not without reason. Last year I was only on 20mg escitalopram when I underwent surgery. Now, I’m on concerta 36mg (methylphenidate XR) and Sertraline/Zoloft150mg. Besides that I take an old type antipsychotic to help induce sleep (only a weak dopamine D2 antagonist but acts like a strong antihistamine), 1mg Prazosine (for the nightsweats and occasional bad dreams), and 7,5 mirtrazapine. The day of surgery I didn’t took the Concerta nor the Sertraline. Besides that, I do not have any physical health issues.
I don’t have any pain at the moment. But I’m not always so accurate in how worse the situation is. I can have a minor thing which causes severe distress and have a generally considered bad pain and feel absolutely fine (I also don’t always feel when I’m cold/warm, hungry/thirsty,…).
Since I’m so nervous, my tics also got suddenly worse. And now I’m constantly poking with my tongue in the wounds in my mouth (some stitches came already out on day 2…). I can feel some “skin flaps” but it’s not painful (although the stitches felt more tight than with the previous surgery). In the right cheek the wound is way bigger. There is tissue which is not “smooth” and also white and dark yellow patches (scar tissue). At the other side it’s not as diffuse. I don’t think there is any bone visible (but I’m not sure, there could be a little exposed as it’s not very clear). From both sides there does come thick, darkbrown blood with clots in it out of the incisions on occasion. But it does look fine for the rest I think. But I’m afraid the wounds will only heal slow as I’m constantly touching it with my tongue. I also have coughing and snorting tics which is not ideal (I really don’t want to create infection at the region of my jawbone…). Normally I won’t see my surgeon again but I’ll see how it does progress over the following week (is this concerning? And can I eat without the constant fear of causing possible infection in underlying tissue as it’s not fully stitched up anymore?).
Back to my strange behavior, is this possible that the narcotics induced this (or the meds they use to reverse anesthesia)? And if so, will this subside soon or should I be concerned that I could potentially trigger a psychosis?
Tomorrow I won’t take my Concerta to see how that goes (but normally the Concerta calms me down and makes me a more pleasant person to be around so it’s not really an ideal situation).

I underwent general anesthesia 4 days ago for the removal of my upper wisdom teeth and screws from a bsso I underwent a bit more than a year ago (there was no medical reason why I had them removed).
The osteotomy I underwent last year was the first time I went under full anesthesia (I’m 19y old btw) and everything healed well without any complications. I was very scared to undergo surgery for the first time but everything went very smooth. No nausea afterwards, almost no bleeding, little scar tissue (although I lost some sensation in my underlip on the right side and also somewhat around my gums), no extreme fatigue the following days,…
But this time It did hurt (or I do remember it at least) when they induced narcosis, like a burning feeling (probably propofol?). They also told me they would give me a strong painkiller just before I blanked out. I can’t remember if they’ve administered such a strong painkiller last time but they did gave me oral painkillers before and after surgery last year (not this time).
I woke up in the recovery because I was struggling to freely breath (just a bit uncomfortable nothing more). They helped me to clear my mouth from the blood I was gargling. I fell back asleep but woke up a bit later as I started to jerk a little (muscle twitching) with my full body. They asked if I was cold which I replied no to but they took my temperature and put some blankets over me (so I was probably just cold). A bit later they removed the oxygen tube thing from my nose. I fell back asleep (they already did put pillows under my head and changed the ice packs multiple times) and when they came to get me to my room they noticed that my nose had been bleeding (looked off course worse than it was). They stuffed it with cotton to stop it and changed everything that was covered in blood. I did feel slightly sick when waking up but nothing major. I had absolutely no pain (not even when fully conscious again) but did had a slight headache (this time they gave me an IV with antibiotics and nothing to take afterwards anymore). I was the day after very tired and the headache remained (mostly at the right side of my head and behind my right eye for one reason or another). The wound in my inside cheeks (only at the lower jaw from where they removed the screws) is way/and feels way larger than last time. Certainly in my right cheek. But I’m not sure if I’ve created it or if the surgeon botched me up (as I think I bit on it when waking up which could’ve caused the bleeding).
But now my main concern: Since last surgery from 4 days ago I feel extremely nervous and tense. I’m easily startled and every noise can create a jumpscare moment (phone ringing, people walking by,…). I’ve been impolite towards my relatives and get very easily agitated by them. I’m not super energetic but I have difficulty falling asleep (keep ruminating thoughts without being stressed about it). I feel “stressed” without a stressor. I also need to pee very frequently (no abnormalities present in urine, no pain,…). I do sweat easily during night but it was already a certain time ago that it was this bad. Everything was soaked in cold sweat this morning. That does happen more often but I also feel clammy (no fever or so) during the day now. When in a conversation with someone I just keep talking excessively. I also noticed something that I do which is rather strange. It’s not all the time but I “pull my toes up” (like they don’t hit the ground at that moment) when standing still and occasionally also when walking.
I need to mention that I have mental health problems and that I’m not sure if this is something physical or psychosomatic (which could certainly be). I’m very concerned that I would provoke a psychosis. I have no history of any psychotic symptoms but I do have close family that has severe schizophrenia (and I’m also on the age of onset for it so that makes me even more concerned). I have a diagnosis of autism and do have some emotion regulation problems anyways but I’m acting strange in my opinion (as there is no cause for this feeling). I’m more often tensed but this is normally only of short duration and not without reason. Last year I was only on 20mg escitalopram when I underwent surgery. Now, I’m on concerta 36mg (methylphenidate XR) and Sertraline/Zoloft150mg. Besides that I take an old type antipsychotic to help induce sleep (only a weak dopamine D2 antagonist but acts like a strong antihistamine), 1mg Prazosine (for the nightsweats and occasional bad dreams), and 7,5 mirtrazapine. The day of surgery I didn’t took the Concerta nor the Sertraline. Besides that, I do not have any physical health issues.
I don’t have any pain at the moment. But I’m not always so accurate in how worse the situation is. I can have a minor thing which causes severe distress and have a generally considered bad pain and feel absolutely fine (I also don’t always feel when I’m cold/warm, hungry/thirsty,…).
Since I’m so nervous, my tics also got suddenly worse. And now I’m constantly poking with my tongue in the wounds in my mouth (some stitches came already out on day 2…). I can feel some “skin flaps” but it’s not painful (although the stitches felt more tight than with the previous surgery). In the right cheek the wound is way bigger. There is tissue which is not “smooth” and also white and dark yellow patches (scar tissue). At the other side it’s not as diffuse. I don’t think there is any bone visible (but I’m not sure, there could be a little exposed as it’s not very clear). From both sides there does come thick, darkbrown blood with clots in it out of the incisions on occasion. But it does look fine for the rest I think. But I’m afraid the wounds will only heal slow as I’m constantly touching it with my tongue. I also have coughing and snorting tics which is not ideal (I really don’t want to create infection at the region of my jawbone…). Normally I won’t see my surgeon again but I’ll see how it does progress over the following week (is this concerning? And can I eat without the constant fear of causing possible infection in underlying tissue as it’s not fully stitched up anymore?).
Back to my strange behavior, is this possible that the narcotics induced this (or the meds they use to reverse anesthesia)? And if so, will this subside soon or should I be concerned that I could potentially trigger a psychosis?
Tomorrow I won’t take my Concerta to see how that goes (but normally the Concerta calms me down and makes me a more pleasant person to be around so it’s not really an ideal situation).

So I've been thinking for years that it's likely that I have ADHD, and during this time I've looked up a lot of information about it and the different drugs used to treat it. However, since I speak English, I tend to search this kind of things in English instead of in my mother tongue, Spanish (the volume of information available in English online is much bigger than in Spanish, specially regarding things like ADHD), so what I actually knew was what medications are used in the US, not in my country (Spain).
Anyway, today I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, in which he's finally going to evaluate whether I need ADHD-specific medication or not (which I'm sure I do, hope he shares my opinion), so a few minutes ago I had the idea of looking up whether we have the same treatment options here in Spain as in the US. And what I discovered is that we are a pretty shitty country regarding ADHD medication to be honest.
The only amphetamine-based medication (which from what I've seen tends to be far better than methylphenidate-based medications and non-stimulants) legal for treating ADHD here is vyvanse (called elvanse in Spanish for some reason), I suppose that because it's the only one you can't snort, and only since 2014. And even methylphenidate seems to be looked as quite dangerous here. On the other hand, all the websites I see praise atomoxetine/strattera as the best and safest ADHD medication to ever exist, which is exactly the opposite of what I'd seen when searching this in English.
I really hate how limited the medication options are here because of the paranoia that if you prescribe amphetamine to people they are going to get addicted to it. From what I had read, I had reached the conclusion that adderall was probably the best medication option for me; now I know I won't ever have it prescribed unless law changes or I move to the US.

My mother has been an addict all of my life. She had a rough childhood, and though undiagnosed she likely has BPD. There’s been bouts of alcoholism, a long stint with methamphetamine, she snorts her Ritalin, overtakes her anxiety medication, and dabbles in pain pills.
I’ve posted about my mother before. In fact, I recently posted about her brother who was dying of liver failure.
I didn’t post that on the 25th my mom asked me to call her. She told me she was afraid. She told me she was having stroke-like symptoms. I left work. I left the treatment floor short.
On my way to her house/my childhood home she texted me that she was lying. She texted me that she wouldn’t be home. She texted me not to come. I came anyway. I begged her to go to urgent care. I tried to persuade her to go to the ER. She refused.
Because I thought this was a power play to steal attention from her brother (as she has done recently and often does) I asked where her pills were. She told me they were in her car. I took her keys out of her purse on the chair at her desk. Her pills were not in the car.
I returned to her room and noted her purse was gone. She sent me outside so she had time to hide her stash. I was angry. I picked her up bride-style and got her through the bedroom doorway and the threshold in the hallway. She flailed and kicked. She said I was hurting her more. She said I was killing her.
I set her down gently on the couch where I begged her to go see a doctor. She wouldn’t budge. She went to sleep. She snored in front of me. I waited for two hours until my dad got home so someone could watch over her. I was pissed.
The next two days she sent me texts stating I can heal all my patients but I only hurt her. She told me that I whisper words of comfort to my uncle because he is more deserving than she is. I called bullshit because I dedicate 75% of my brainspace to my mother. I worry. I obsess. I want better for her.
We didn’t talk for a few days except my response to her hoping I was having a good time which I replied, “you too.”
I called her on the fourth once I heard her brother only had a day or two left. She didn’t pick up.
I talked to her on the fifth first thing in the morning. She sounded good. Said her neck still hurt. This has been an ongoing issue since she got in a car accident at 15. She said she went to the chiropractor and patronized me in saying, “I know I know I’ll go to a real doctor after my brother passes. I’ll go Tuesday.” I didn’t want to fight her. She told me she was constipated and my dad has gone to buy her stool softeners. I laughed to myself about what a drama queen she could be.
We exchanged text messages. She texted me at 10:48 am that she was going to see her brother come hell or high water. I called her immediately. I told her I would take her to see him at 4pm and I wanted her to calm down and not drive with the neck pain. I wanted to be there to support her. I was on my way home from a trip.
She told me she had an epiphany. She told me she realized my dad cared more about her brother than her. I called bullshit. She blamed herself for his alcoholism. I told her it wasn’t realistic. She then said to me that she had already hurt me enough and was not going to do that anymore. There was something sweet and sincere in the way she said it. We exchanged I love yous two or three times. I was happy she was going to see her brother.
My dad text me at 11:30am to tell me she fell on her butt in the living room while trying to take powdered aspirin. Common occurrence. I was pissed. Again she was trying to outdo her brother for attention. She told my dad she was tired. He tucked her in on the couch and put her in a nonaspiraring position. He was checking on her every 2-3 minutes.
I asked him to take her to the ER. He told me she was okay. He said she was scratching her leg and touching her face. He said she was snoring. All normal behaviors for her. He kept checking in with me.
At around 1:00pm my dad called my SO. My mom had stopped breathing. My brother did CPR. Paramedics revived her. Gave her naloxone, epinephrine, and defibrillated her. I thought she’d be okay. We had our bets on OD. I was so angry.
I picked up my dad and rushed to the hospital. She was getting transferred from ER to ICU. We gave a brief history. I had an attitude. I told my dad that we cannot keep going through this and how I had already done the three day stay with her in the same hospital. I had been in that hospital for her kidney stone and a “spider bite”. That hospital had saved her life so many times and she continued to choose behaviors to harm herself.
Then they told me it was a bleed.
A hemorrhagic stroke.
Her brain had herniated.
My mother was gone.
No abnormalities on the CT.
To their knowledge there was no previous CVA. No evidence of TIA.
Tox screen clear besides her prescriptions: methylphenidate (which she’d snort) and klonopin. She had a small amount of opiates in her system.
I had been angry with her because I loved her. I wanted better for her. I did not want her life to end this way at 57 years old.
I hope she didn’t suffer.
She was on the ventilator for four days so she could donate her organs. Because of the vices she fought throughout her life I am fluent in her final wishes: cremation, ashes to be spread at Yellowstone (brink of the lower falls), and organ donation.
I am utterly fucking broken. I am lost. I am devastated.
I love her so much and I hope she knew it when she was alive. I could never be indifferent because I loved her. She called me whenever she was walking the ledge.
I keep replaying the scenario and I try to imagine if things could have been different. I wonder if I made the right decisions. She had a death wish since before I was born.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for... maybe just thoughts, insights, or opinions.

This was me in my final year, I smashed modafinil, amphetamines and then benzos & weed to help me sleep after a long study sesh. When you have Asian parents and need to pass organic chemistry you'd better be prepared to crack open an Adderall and snort its chalky contents.
​
Anyway in an attempt to do some harm reduction for students, here are a few pages that are of use:

1. Drugs and me - non-profit run by neuroscientists who are students, really cool interface. Check out their page on Modafinil!
2. Erowid's page on ritalin, they have a lot of drugs and their content is awesome. They aren't quite as user friendly though.
3. Nootropic.press - don't know much about nootropics btw, but their site looks well researched & doesn't seem to have any affiliate links

Interestingly, I've read some accounts of oxford/cambridge students smashing drugs like modafinil everyday for months, being fine & experiencing better retention. Would you be worried about the side effects in the long term? How many of you use them atm (besides, ya know, caffeine).
Thanks reddit, & I hope these links are useful!

Is anyone else's store having an epidemic or customers asking for white methylphenidate brand medication ONLY? I found out from a phone call a few months back that the reason for this is because the yellow tablets we have are coated and harder to crush and snort.
Has your pharmacy seen this?
It's getting to the point where other pharmacies are sending patients our way so they don't have to fulfill the hundreds of requests. The patients claim it's because of a stomach ache but I can hardly believe that after this much complaining the company wouldn't have made sure the yellow dye was actually harmful. I even see parents picking up prescriptions for their kids labeled "mallinkropt brand only".
How do you deal with this?