Hello everyone, I am a lurker of Naturalhair and I really need some advice. :( Scroll down for the TDLR, also sorry for the bad formatting and grammar, English is not my first language and I’m also typing this on phone.
I’ve been transitioning to natural since March 2020 (quarantine). Before, I’ve been using relaxers on my hair. I stopped using relaxers because I hated how much it burned my scalp and during January-February 2020, I felt a curl in the root my scalp and I liked the feeling of it 😭.
So, boom, March 2020 comes, before everything shut down, I told my mother that I wanted to do natural and I asked her if I can buy shampoo and conditioner. She agrees and I brought Shea Moisturizer Coconut and Hibiscus line. I washed my hair and I noticed my hair was half straight and half curly (transition stage). I was so eager to see the curls forming, and thought this was going to be a new chapter for my hair journey.
I started to wash my hair every Sunday because why not? One day, when I was getting ready to wash my hair, my mother stopped me and said “You don’t need to wash your hair every single week or every two weeks, you know?” I was kinda confused and said “I don’t?” Mind you, I was new at this and I was also watching youtube videos on how to do and style natural hair. She said “When you do natural, you braid hair to make it longer.” She offered to braid my hair since it was during the pandemic and everything was closed down.
So she braided my hair and I left the braids for about 2 months. (March-May). Then I left my natural hair out, let it breathe for a week, washed and blow dry, got braids again. (late May-early August). I got my first sew in during late August for back-to-school and kept it in for October. Okay so you get the gist. I’ve been putting weaves/braids/wigs in my hair and have not been able to fully let my natural hair out to breathe, just letting it sit for one week and put a protective style. This fucking pattern went on from March 2020 up to late 2023.
So it’s late 2023, I had enough of this. I wanted to know how to fully take care of my natural hair. I won’t lie, protective styles did help my hair a bit, but I wanted to fully take care of my hair. At this time, I shampoo and conditioned my hair every two weeks.
One day, as I was finish washing my hair my mother look at me and said, “Your hair looks like a mess. All your hair will fall out!” I brushed it off because I’m used to her saying stuff like this ever since I started my natural hair journey. Every time when she comb my hair, she would roughly comb out my hair and say “See, look! Your hair is falling out.” I’m also very tender-headed so when she say stuff like this it hurts my feelings and my scalp. Literally when my hair is in the transitioning stage she said she hasn’t seen anything progress and wanted me to do a relaxer.
In March or April 2024, I was flat ironing my hair, my aunt came in, saw me, and said “Why don’t you put a wig!?!? You’re a grow up woman now! You don’t need to do natural hair!” She then roughly grabbed the back of my hair. I wasn’t sure if she trying to pull it or anything. Then my mother jumped in and said “I keep telling her that and she don’t listen!” So not only my mother disliked my natural hair, but my aunt did too. My heart shattered hearing those comments but I eventually got over it.
Last week, I did mini braids on myself, and I went to go see my mother, and she looked at my hair “Don’t you see that you look ugly without no hair?” I just walked away from her. Few days ago, I went out with my auntie and she asked me what was I going to do with my hair now. I told her that I’m just going to take care of it and she said I shouldn’t leave my hair like that. I just changed the subject.
Now a few hours ago, I went downstairs and my mother yelled at me about my hair once again, but this time she said “Just cut all your hair off if you can’t do natural hair. Can you even afford to do natural hair?? Do something with your hair or cut them!” I ran up to my room and literally cried. I am crying while typing this post. I know I shouldn’t but I’m very sensitive T-T
TDLR: I’ve been trying to take care of my natural hair for years now, my mother and auntie criticizes my natural hair and rather me put protective styles such as wigs and braids to not show my natural hair I guess.
Things I wanted to add to the story since the post is pretty long.
• I was fully natural by early-mid 2021.
• When I washed my hair during my back to back protective style stage, I did have a lot of breakage while washing my hair :(
• I’m NOT hating on protective styles by the way, I LOVE putting on braids/wigs/weave. I just didn’t want to put it on the time, you know.
• On October 2022, I blow dry + flat iron my natural hair for my cousin sweet 16. I played a role in her birthday party court. There was seven girls including myself, and 4 of them were wigs and 3 of them plus myself included were natural. My mother told my cousin that she didn’t like the way my hair looked and wanted me to purchase a wig but obviously it was too late.
• Lately, I’ve noticed my mother has been giving me weird looks when I have my hair out. When I wear wigs she always see my face first, but when my hair out she look at my hair, then becomes angry.
• Outside of my home, a lot of people in my workplace like when I have my natural hair. When I did a high puff, one of my professor said I had “nice hair” I do two puffs in my hair for work and people usually find them cute. Someone said I look like Minnie Mouse hehe :) I hope that’s a compliment. Also someone that worked in a different department of my workplace looked at me and said “I love your hair, please keep doing natural” I was kinda surprised to hear that too.

My little guy is 8. He’s been doing so so good on Trileptal we were so hopeful this was the one that would make the seizures stop. He has sleep seizures. The kind that kids supposedly grow out of. But also the kind that are supposedly the most Dangerous and can kill you apparently with SUDEP.
SMH. Anyway he was on Keppra for a while until that stopped working in December it just went off the rails. He started having seizures in October 2022 when he was 6 turning 7. We got him on Keppra and that seemed to work for a while but then it seems like every two months he’d have a break through seizure. And that was the pattern we lived with for awhile.
Until December 2023. When he turned 8. He had a seizure one night and then again the next night and the next and the next and they just kept happening every night he went to sleep so we got him switched to Trileptal to try that and started weaning him off Keppra.
So we have him on 5ml Trileptal and 2ml Keppra twice a day now since January/febraury we have progressively been lowering that Keppra dose to get to the 2ml which is what we have been stable at for the past month or two. At least through April and May.
The last time he seized was March 17. He had a secure when he fell asleep in the back seat Of car on way home from a long field trip around 4/5pm. Which is important to note because we are trying to pin point a trigger. We keep thinking it is lack of sleep or staying up late (past 9:30). But That one happened at 5pm so ? He did have a cold That day and was outside in the cold weather.
Anyway that was last time until tonight. He is in bed next to me. He dozed off and the. All of A. Sudden hear his breathing change and hear him start fluttering his breath is fluttering etc. o throw on my phone flashlight and say buddy you ok. You ok sweetheart. Angel? You ok angel baby? And he came Out of it in like Maybe 3 seconds? And was able To speak right away. I said Do you want a drink of water are you ok? He said yes. I want my pete the cat cup it’s On the dresser so I gave him some Water and then he went back to sleep.
So disappointed that he had a breakthrough again at that stupid two month mark. 😔😕
Is this what is to be expected even on a Good med? Is me expecting a complete eradication of seizures too much to ask? Should I just be happy I get At least a few weeks between seizures or on top of staying healthy etc. .

I’m feeling quite helpless and am hoping for some advice on how to navigate these family problems.
TL;DR: My sister Emily, who has a history of lying, claimed our stepmom Christie was accusing her of dropping out of college and other things, which led to a lot of family stress. Christie recently committed suicide, and it turns out she was right about Emily not being in school. Now, I’m worried about my dad’s emotional state, and my sister’s ongoing lies are making family life toxic. I can’t even stay in the same house as her because I fear for my safety.
___
For perspective, my immediate family overview:
My mom and dad divorced when my mom was pregnant with me. My dad left her for my two older brothers' babysitter. I grew up with her as my step mom. There was always some tension between my brothers and her growing up, while I was more of a neutral observer. To be honest, she wasn't the best person but I did come to love her in the end. My dad and stepmom, Christie had one child together, Emily. When I was in high school my older brother passed away in a car accident, which was needless to say devasting for my parents. My oldest brother struggle with extreme drug addiction after that, going to rehab twice. He's doing very well now, with two kids and a wife in Florida. I'm in Chicago with my partner; gay, came out in high school.
____
Emily’s always been the golden child, spinning tales that often cast her as the victim or star. Last year, she started telling me these intense stories about her mom / my stepmom Christie, who was truly going through a rough depressive patch mentally. Emily used this depression and painted her as delusional and abusive. Then, Christie tragically took her own life, a decision we believe was heavily influenced by the stress of Emily’s lies about attending college—lies that we only recently discovered were actually true.
At Christie’s funeral, Emily’s behavior was off. She looked like she was dressed for a TV show rather than a funeral, and her emotional breakdown during a speech she barely prepared for felt staged. It was like she enjoyed the drama.
Her past is a complex web of claimed abuses and sexual assaults, many of which have been proven untrue. She’s excellent at manipulating narratives and even now boasts about becoming a CEO from a supposed buy-out of her PR firm (really she's just a freelancer), dropping names like Pauly D and Blake Lively as if they’re everyday business contacts.
The lies escalated in the days following her mother’s death. She claimed she was graduating a year early, was getting her diploma overnighted, that she had been named valedictorian, and that she was supposed to speak at the graduation ceremony. After her diploma didn't show up after a few days and she had excuse after excuse, had us drive 45 minutes to a friend’s house to pick up her 'diploma', only to receive a last-minute call from a random girl claiming it wasn't there after all. Random lie anyway, because why would a friend have her new diploma!?
This pattern of deceit was further confirmed when my brother and I checked with the National Student Clearinghouse and found out she wasn’t enrolled since last year and has no diploma from her university, contrary to her claims. Rather than coming clean, Emily’s response was to weave even more complex lies.
On top of all this, she’s lying about big financial moves involving my dad’s friends, like apartments in NYC and buying new houses, which just isolates us more when we can’t follow up on these claims without risking embarrassment.
Our dad is devastated. He’s always been private and protective, and these events have hit him hard. He’s still defending Emily and seems in denial, despite everything. It feels like everything’s falling apart because of Emily’s fabrications. My brother and I aren't speaking with my sister right now, and not speaking to my dad much, after we gave them ultimatums that they ignored.
I suggested family therapy, but that got shut down. I’m at a loss. I want to help my dad and find some way to bridge the gap, but Emily’s presence makes it impossible to even think about staying at his house. I’m genuinely scared of what she might do next given her track record and intensity.
So, what should I do? Is there a way to get through to my dad or to arrange some kind of intervention for Emily without making things worse? How do I find someone who can help us navigate this incredibly tough situation? I'm also open to some questions and perspectives on her outrageous lies.
And before you ask, yes, I know about What Jennifer Did, let's not bring that up!
Thanks for letting me vent. I just want to find some way to bring honesty and peace back to our family.

Hi advice,
I’m feeling quite helpless and am hoping for some advice on how to navigate these family problems.
TL;DR: My sister Emily, who has a history of lying, claimed our stepmom Christie was accusing her of dropping out of college and other things, which led to a lot of family stress. Christie recently committed suicide, and it turns out she was right about Emily not being in school. Now, I’m worried about my dad’s emotional state, and my sister’s ongoing lies are making family life toxic. I can’t even stay in the same house as her because I fear for my safety.
___
For perspective, my immediate family overview:
My mom and dad divorced when my mom was pregnant with me. My dad left her for my two older brothers' babysitter. I grew up with her as my step mom. There was always some tension between my brothers and her growing up, while I was more of a neutral observer. To be honest, she wasn't the best person but I did come to love her in the end. My dad and stepmom, Christie had one child together, Emily. When I was in high school my older brother passed away in a car accident, which was needless to say devasting for my parents. My oldest brother struggle with extreme drug addiction after that, going to rehab twice. He's doing very well now, with two kids and a wife in Florida. I'm in Chicago with my partner; gay, came out in high school.
____
Emily’s always been the golden child, spinning tales that often cast her as the victim or star. Last year, she started telling me these intense stories about her mom / my stepmom Christie, who was truly going through a rough depressive patch mentally. Emily used this depression and painted her as delusional and abusive. Then, Christie tragically took her own life, a decision we believe was heavily influenced by the stress of Emily’s lies about attending college—lies that we only recently discovered were actually true.
At Christie’s funeral, Emily’s behavior was off. She looked like she was dressed for a TV show rather than a funeral, and her emotional breakdown during a speech she barely prepared for felt staged. It was like she enjoyed the drama.
Her past is a complex web of claimed abuses and sexual assaults, many of which have been proven untrue. She’s excellent at manipulating narratives and even now boasts about becoming a CEO from a supposed buy-out of her PR firm (really she's just a freelancer), dropping names like Pauly D and Blake Lively as if they’re everyday business contacts.
The lies escalated in the days following her mother’s death. She claimed she was graduating a year early, was getting her diploma overnighted, that she had been named valedictorian, and that she was supposed to speak at the graduation ceremony. After her diploma didn't show up after a few days and she had excuse after excuse, had us drive 45 minutes to a friend’s house to pick up her 'diploma', only to receive a last-minute call from a random girl claiming it wasn't there after all. Random lie anyway, because why would a friend have her new diploma!?
This pattern of deceit was further confirmed when my brother and I checked with the National Student Clearinghouse and found out she wasn’t enrolled since last year and has no diploma from her university, contrary to her claims. Rather than coming clean, Emily’s response was to weave even more complex lies.
On top of all this, she’s lying about big financial moves involving my dad’s friends, like apartments in NYC and buying new houses, which just isolates us more when we can’t follow up on these claims without risking embarrassment.
Our dad is devastated. He’s always been private and protective, and these events have hit him hard. He’s still defending Emily and seems in denial, despite everything. It feels like everything’s falling apart because of Emily’s fabrications. My brother and I aren't speaking with my sister right now, and not speaking to my dad much, after we gave them ultimatums that they ignored.
I suggested family therapy, but that got shut down. I’m at a loss. I want to help my dad and find some way to bridge the gap, but Emily’s presence makes it impossible to even think about staying at his house. I’m genuinely scared of what she might do next given her track record and intensity.
So, what should I do? Is there a way to get through to my dad or to arrange some kind of intervention for Emily without making things worse? How do I find someone who can help us navigate this incredibly tough situation? I'm also open to some questions and perspectives on her outrageous lies.
And before you ask, yes, I know about What Jennifer Did, let's not bring that up!
Thanks for letting me vent. I just want to find some way to bring honesty and peace back to our family.

[prev] [next]
Memory Transcript: Kinet, Venlil Surveyor Captain [Standardized Human Time July 5th, 2114]:
We had arrived in-system [four days] ago, and while I was expecting to see a world ravaged by nuclear exchange, the damage to the planet was beyond what I could have ever imagined. The surface was scorched, and the air filled with ash and soot from massive continent spanning fires that must have been burning for cycles. Despite all the destruction, our scans showed some signs of life trying to take hold on the surface, but not nearly as much as there should have been.
The humans had wiped themselves out over [150 years ] in the past; it shouldn’t look like it only happened only a herd of claws ago.
Fiir was of no use. When the first glimpses of the planet came in on the viewscreen, the scruffy researcher just stared with his jaw hanging loose before stammering about something being wrong. He stormed off to his quarters, and I haven’t seen him since then.
I sighed and walked onto the bridge with my waking claw cup of tea but was immediately assaulted by the chittering of an excited sivkit, our primary communications officer.
“Captain, captain, captain!”
“Hephy, yes, I’m right here. What is it?” I looked down towards her. She barely came up to my waist in her typical quadrupedal stance, and even doing her best to stand up, she wouldn’t be able to look me in the eye. Despite her stature, her excitement demanded attention as her eyes flicked between myself and whatever data she had scrolling across her display visor.
“Right Right. Anyway, Captain, I have to show you something, it’s big.” Most people don’t pay sivkits much mind, but Hephy was a prodigy. The excitable woman could look at a waterfall plot and pick out every signal present, and even read some of them without any computer assistance. I motioned for her to follow me to the ready room and started off toward it while sipping my tea. She trotted behind me on all fours, as sivkits are wont to do, and when I sat in my chair, she hopped side to side in excitement. “The signals, when we arrived from the jump, I saw something fascinating!” “Hephy, stop bouncing and sit.” I gestured to the chair in front of my desk. She looked at me for a moment as if I had grown a set of ears at the end of my snout. After a moment, her trance broke, and she hopped into the chair. She sat on her haunches and pulled out her tablet.
“Ok so, when we jumped in, we got a ping of the area, right? Send a signal out, listen for the reply, and we see what’s out there that our eyes can’t. Standard stuff, sure, but look.” She tapped at her tablet and expanded a multidimensional spectrum plot. “The bright spots are reports, and it’s all around. Debris right? That’s what I thought but look closer!” I leaned in and looked at the impressionistic splotches of color shown on the holographic display. The blues, yellows, and oranges spattered amongst the dark gray and black of night and other known objects was appealing to the eye, but ultimately gave me little idea what Hephy was trying to communicate with me. She must have picked up on my lack of insight, because she sighed and tapped the display again. “Normally, you see the pulse pattern return and that’s pretty distinct, but this is different. Odd. I thought it was just micro-debris but if you spread it out over time there’s a pattern to it, a structure in the phase relationships that doesn’t match reflections or our interrogation pulses.” “Hephy, you know I rarely ever understand you at this level.” “Right sorry right. Captain, this isn’t the return pulse, they’re data transmissions. Multiple data transmissions all at once.”
My ears perked up, and I tilted my head to the side a bit. “How can you be sure? What would even be out there to send them?”
“I wasn’t sure myself until I looked later on in the data buffers. Almost a claw later there was another longer burst. The automated systems ignored it due to interpreting it as just more micro-debris, but it had that structure-but-not-structure, perfectly shaped noise. I also had nav and sensors run another few active pings at different frequencies, trying to rule out silly patterns seeking brain nonsense. Nothing returned. The debris cloud doesn’t exist!”
“So what does this mean for us?”
“I don’t know, but it's fascinating! They must be satellites of some kind, either too small to reflect much or made to absorb radio waves.”
“That’s worrisome. There’s only one reason you’d build something like that.”
“Weaponry?” She chirped with surprising insight I had not expected to come from her. She had never been in the space force like I, and many others, had.
“Defense platforms, yes.” I took a sip of my rapidly cooling tea to try and soothe the anxious pit growing in my stomach.
“That’s…concerning.” Her excitement waned for a moment but quickly slipped back.
“Very, thank you for bringing this to my attention, Hephy.”
“As if I could keep quiet about something like this!” She snorted with a chittering laugh. “Oh! Wait there’s one more thing. There was another signal in a higher band that sounded off around the same time as the other burst, this time from a different orbit, way further out. I traced it to an artificial satellite.”
Suddenly, a thought hit me. These things were actively communicating with something. Was there something still left on the surface?
“Hephy, do you know where those signals were going?”
“Normally the antenna is too directional for anyone but the recipient to see it or it’s hard to get a read on directionality, but I know where everything is communicating to. The middle of the smaller main ocean.”
“Hephy, that’s an incredibly important bit of information!”
“It is? Oh yeah right, that makes sense!” She wiggles her tail in an amused flicking motion.
I stood up and patted her on the shoulder. “Get us close to that artificial satellite and see what it is. I’d like to get a better idea of what we’ve just stumbled into. Report back when you have some answers and we will go from there.”
Hephy bobbed her ears and hopped off the seat. “On it, sir. Where are you going?” “I’m going to talk to Fiir. This is beyond the original mission, and he needs to know.” “Ay captain. Good luck. Guy’s a weirdo.” I simply grunted and strolled down to the auxiliary quarters where I knew the researcher to be.
>Advance record: [10 Minutes]:
Fiir had brought an entire team of researchers with him. I was told they’re all colleagues of his from the research academy that are interested in this personal project of his. This many people on board with his project did explain how he was able to offer the exorbitant sum of credits to hire me and my crew. They had been allocated a section of the ship near the front, just past the shuttle bay and under the bridge area. This let them have their privacy and set up whatever gear they brought with them.
It also meant that there was a door between them and the rest of the ship. A door that they did not hesitate to keep closed after pre-launch inspections had concluded. The researchers didn’t have anything I didn’t expect from the manifest, but I still found it rather suspicious. Were they hiding something? Perhaps it had to do with that odd power hungry computer they insisted upon. Mara had her ears tied in a knot trying to accommodate it, and still they were coy about why exactly they needed it. It didn’t do me any good to speculate, though. What mattered most was the problem of the satellites.
I finally reached the door and, being the polite man I am, I scratched at the sounding plate before grabbing the handle and trying to open it. To my surprise, it didn’t budge. I could understand locking doors to the personal quarters, but this was a main corridor in my own ship! Just as I reached over to key in the unlock code, the door made a thunk as the latch disengaged and slid open part of the way. A familiar gray fringed brown muzzle stuck out from the gap. “This is a restrict- Oh. Captain.” Fiir opened the door a little more and stood up facing me. “What is it?”
I blinked at his rather blunt question. “I just came to inform you that we’ve discovered some worrying details about the nature of the-” “The artificial satellites are not of any concern to us.” He cut me off before I could finish.
“We think they might be-”
He glanced back behind the door for a moment, his tail thrashed in agitation. “It doesn’t matter. Have you prepared the landing party yet?” My jaw tightened as my frustration with his rudeness grew. I couldn’t get much of a word in, but I needed any answers. “They’re set to depart in two claws, but with those unknown satellites, I can’t be sure of their safety! I saw you on the bridge when we arrived, you were expecting something different. As the captain of this ship, I need to know if there’s a threat to-”
“Captain.” Fiir’s gaze grew intense as he leaned in. I may have had almost a head of height on the wizened farsul, but in that moment, he felt as if he was towering over me. “I suggest you stick to the responsibilities I hired you for, Captain Kinet. There are things that you are not privy to, nor will you be made privy to in the foreseeable future. Continue with the survey as per our agreement, and you’ll get your credits. Do not bother me until the away team is en route. Good paw, Captain.” He closed and locked the door without even waiting for my response.
I just stood at the door for a long while, a feeling of anger and indignation boiling in my chest. I had only ever had cordial contact with the researcher up until now; this abrupt shift in his demeanor was unsettling, to say the least. How dare he talk down to me like that on my own ship! I sighed and took a deep breath, holding it for a moment before letting it out. Slow and controlled. Letting the tension and anger flow out with my breath.
Inhale. Hold. Release.
Inhale. Hold. Release.
After a few cycles, the burning anger was reduced to a smoldering cinder. As much as I had wanted to headbutt Fiir, it wasn’t worth risking the contract for. I turned and walked back to the bridge to prepare for the away mission. Without Fiir’s info, I needed to make sure contingencies were in place for any possible threat to the away team. The lives of my crew are paramount, even if the contract was very, very lucrative. All that aside, the planning would keep my mind away from thoughts of my rude client.
>Advance record: [Standardized Human Time July 6th, 2114]:
I woke up after my rest paw feeling groggy and unrested. The confrontation with Fiir kept playing in my mind all night, despite the claws of planning for the away mission. To say his standoffish behavior left knots in my wool would be an understatement. I wiped my snout with my paws, flicking the crust from my eyes before getting up out of bed.
I grabbed my favorite mug and fixed myself my morning cup of tea. Pulling the dried leaves and stems from the canister, I could feel my mouth water in anticipation. I had been told by many who possessed the strange appendage called a nose that the tea leaves had a strong earthy and floral scent. I often wondered what that meant. Venlil didn’t have noses, but we did have a sense of taste, which is apparently quite similar. I often wondered what it might be like to smell. Do we really miss out on so much without being able to smell?
We had to soak our foods and tea in water before we could taste it with our tongues, and even then, it’s not nearly as sensitive, which is probably why other species consider venlil cuisine to be overseasoned and overpowering.
Another reason why the stereotype of venlil being weak is nonsense, in my opinion. How strong can you be if you can’t handle a little spice?
The timer went off, chirping to tell me my tea was ready. I sifted out the leaves and brought the invigorating elixir to my lips. The hot fluid warmed me to my core and burned away the waking lyasi silk from my groggy mind.
I needed to catch up with Hephy and Mara; they should have brought in that satellite-
My thoughts were interrupted by the chiming of my pad. I picked it up and answered the call to see Hephy’s face almost filling the screen, with Mara looking over her shoulder.
“Oh good you’re awake! Captain, you must see this! It’s amazing! The satellite, it’s full of brains!”
END TRANSCRIPTION
Been a hot minute, I hadn't forgotten about this. As always, comments are coveted and appreciated. What do you all think about Fiir's behavior? What do y'all think of Hephy?
Thanks to for creating this setting and fostering such a delightfully passionate community! Thanks again to , Novalux, and the Foxmates for editing and helping me get this done!
Soma belongs to Frictional Games.

We recently celebrated our first anniversary, and the topic of forever came up. He said I’m the closest thing to a soulmate he’s ever had. That he loves me and can see himself marrying me and growing old together. He wants to adopt my daughter, and he’s even considering having a child with me (which he never wanted in the past).
But he also said he’s “not in a hurry.” I didn’t want to pressure him, so I just said that’s fine but I’d prefer marrying while my dad (68m) is still alive. I felt weird about giving him a deadline, but now I regret being so vague because I do care. I’d honestly prefer getting married before I turn 40.
I also want to discuss it more because of some things he said during that conversation that were yellow flags. He admitted he’s been a bit avoidant in the past. Not about relationships (he’s a serial monogamist, not a player). But about marriage, kids, or deep emotional connection, he’s historically been anxious. He’s also struggled with anxiety about accidental pregnancy. He says he doesn’t feel that about me at all, but it’ll still take time before he’s ready to tie the knot.
First: As someone who’s had guys do all the boyfriend things but say “I’m not ready for a relationship,” this scares me. He’s ready to move in together. We travel internationally. We love each other. We’re adopting a puppy. He’s comfortable hanging out with my daughter, doing family events, celebrating holidays, and he wants to adopt her someday. He even talks about moving somewhere with good schools for her and paying for her college. He pays for all of our food when we’re together, buys us gifts, etc. So he’s ready to act like a family and act like a husband, but he’s “not in a hurry” to actually be those things. When guys do that with relationships, the advice is that it’s not that they’re not ready for a relationship, they just don’t want one with you. So is that the case with my boyfriend? He just doesn’t want to marry me, but he would with someone else?
Am I overthinking it? Part of me understands it’s only been a year so it’s normal to need more time before taking the next steps. But I also don’t want to get my hopes up and build a life with him only to face disappointment (or get stuck in that pattern of waiting for more only to get hurt). How do I balance these feelings? I want to trust him, but I don’t want to get hurt and I especially don’t want my daughter (4) to get hurt. She loves him and wants to be a family already (he’s been in her life for about six months now).
Second: assuming I’m not overthinking it, how and when do I bring this up? Is asking to marry within the next two years too fast? I don’t want to rush him, but my dad will be 70 by then, and if he wants to have a kid with me, that’s basically the only option. It’s not romantic, but pragmatism is needed at our age.
Finally: I told him this isn’t a dealbreaker, but should it be? I feel like I’d rather be with him and never marry than break up to find someone else who would within two years. But I would be disappointed if we don’t, and I’d be heartbroken if he leaves me over this. Still, I want to give my daughter a real family (her bio dad has never met her), so I don’t want to just let it go and hope for the best.
Has anyone been here before? Any advice?

Chapter 1

Alyssa awoke with saltwater in her mouth and nose. She hacked and sputtered, only to realize she was sinking deeper into a pitch dark pool. She closed her eyes against the water's sting, and as her panic rose she flailed with arms and legs. She was desperate to regain bouyancy, even as she choked out the brine from her burning lungs. Determined, she broke to the surface again, gulping in air between ragged coughs as she fought to stay afloat.
Treading water, she opened her eyes and nothing changed. The darkness in the echoing chamber was complete, and she had to fight down another surge of panic as she took in the precariousness of her situation. The cold water sapped her strength, and her heart raced as a sudden scream of terror welled up from within.
Alyssa winced as her own scream echoed in her ears. She choked out the last of the salty water, then took a deep breath, trying to force herself to calm. "Okay, okay," she soothed herself, voice trembling slightly despite her efforts, "we're okay."
After another steadying breath, Alyssa began building a mental catalog of her situation. Her clothes were soaked through, but she wasn't finding treading water to be too difficult, yet; a future problem. Other than her lungs, nothing hurt, and those were recovering. She could still feel her toes and fingers on both hands, meaning no paralysis, that she could find. Nothing seemed to be seriously wrong, except that she had no idea how she'd come to be in a pitch dark echoing chamber filled with water.
Calmer, now, Alyssa tried to recall what she had been doing. The last thing she remembered was walking along the shoreline, feeling immensely lonely. The sound of the waves coming in, closer and closer, was still vivid in her mind. She could still remember the coarse feeling of the sand between her toes. The saltwater air had filled her lungs as she wondered how she could be in such a beautiful place, and still feel so sorry for herself. With a bitter laugh, Alyssa lolled her head back in the water and stared into the endless void. Well she certainly had reason to feel sorry for herself, now. Still, the memory of how she came to be here was distressingly absent.
Drip … Drip … Drop.
As her adrenaline faded, Alyssa could hear the slow, steady fall of water into the pool. Was the water level rising? She couldn't tell without knowing more about the chamber she was in. Determined to push back against her growing despair, Alyssa decided to explore her environment more thoroughly. A shiver coursed through her spine as she felt out to either side as far as her arms would go and couldn't find a wall, nor did she find purchase beneath her feet. After a moment of hesitation, Alyssa expanded her search. She swam forward, keeping her hands ahead of herself.
She didn't have to go far before she bumped into an uneven stone surface. Alyssa wasn't sure in the dark, but judging by the smoothness of the rock she guessed it was some kind of river stone. She followed the stone wall around for a ways before deciding it was curved inward. Pushing off, Alyssa turned and reached for the other side, then followed along the wall and repeated the crossing a few more times. She decided that the cavern was roughly circular, perhaps half again as wide as her armspan at its widest stretch, though without light she couldn't be certain she had ever crossed it straight. She considered her options as she clung to the side of the chamber.
Drip … Drip … Drop.
The steady sound was maddening in its repetition, and Alyssa let out a huff of annoyance. Thinking on it, though, she was sure the water had been steadily falling into the chamber the entire time she was here, and she didn't think the water level had risen. Not that she had any way to really know for certain, but if she was right, it implied there was some way for the water to get back out. Could she get out the same way? Taking a deep breath, Alyssa ducked beneath the surface and swam down. Her kicks were hindered by her sodden skirt, but following along the cavern wall as she descended, Alyssa felt the cavern floor after a depth of maybe twice her height. Ten feet wasn't even as deep as most home swimming pools.
Alyssa gulped down air as she returned to the surface, thinking hard about what she'd found. Another shiver coursed through her veins just before she dove down to explore the bottom further. Like the walls, it was uneven but smooth. She could feel some small cracks, and feel the water rushing past her fingers near one or two of these. That, then, was where the water was escaping to. Frustrated, she resurfaced one more and banged her fist against the stone wall. "Damnit." She knew she wouldn't be swimming her way out of here.
For the third time, Alyssa shivered, and she realised that she was starting to lose feeling in her toes. The water temperature wasn't frigid, but she could feel it sapping her strength. Was it ninety-six degrees for hypothermia? Ninety-five? She couldn't recall, but it wasn't important, without a thermometer. She was going to die, here, if she didn't find a way out, and soon.
Drip … Drip … Drop.
Straining, she tried to focus on the sounds around her once more. The incessant dripping of the cave was her only remaining hope of finding a way out, and she had no idea how to reach the ceiling. Alyssa squeezed her toes in an attempt to restore some feeling, while she thought about the problem. After a moment, she began exploring the cavern walls again, this time searching for something to stand on rather than just learning about her environment. After a few turns about the chamber, she found a small shelf just a few feet beneath the surface, large enough for her to put a single foot on.
She pushed herself up, trying to go slowly as she felt along the wall for anything to grip onto. She couldn't find purchase before her momentum carried her too far from the wall, but she did feel roughly how high the ceiling was just before she splashed back into the pool. "Yes!" she celebrated the small victory as she surfaced, fueling her hopes of an escape with that realization that she could probably wedge herself between the ceiling and the shelf if she was purposeful about it.
Returning to the wall, she tamped down on the urge to shiver again, then surged straight up, putting her hands above her to try and catch the ceiling. Water cascaded around her in a torrent, her water-logged clothing threatening to drag her back to the depths, but she held on until she was steady. Alyssa allowed herself a small smile for her success, though some part of her thought it felt more like a grimace, before she began feeling along the cavern ceiling with her hands. Like the rest of the chamber, the stone was smooth and uneven, but it had sharper protrusions here and there that might serve as handholds. Alyssa was reminded of the wall climb at the local mall. She'd never been great at it, despite her friends dragging her to try it every other weekend during high school.
As she continued exploring the ceiling, another involuntary shiver wracked her body, and she set her teeth against the growing chill. "I'm going to get out," she promised herself, just as her hand found open air where she'd expected stone. She nearly fell, but she caught herself and explored the edges of the hole. She couldn't even reach the entire thing from her perch! The ledge was rugged and sharp, and just barely far enough from the wall that she had to strain to reach it. She explored as far around the hole as she could, certain it was large enough for her to fit through. Excited, Alyssa grabbed onto the ledge with both hands and tried to pull herself up, but her grip wasn't solid enough. She immediately slipped back into the water with another splash.
Alyssa surfaced with a growl, feeling a surge of determination and stubbornness. Reclaiming her perch on the shelf, she pushed up to the roof of the chamber once more. This time she knew her target, so rather than wasting time and grip with exploration, she just focused on steadying herself, there. After a few breaths, she reached up to grab the ledge again, trying to find solid hand-holds.
As she swung out from the wall, her sodden skirt trailed through the water, weighing her down. She held on for longer this time, uttering a harsh noise as she strained to pull herself up. She managed to get her chin to her fingers before her grip failed her again, and the feeling of freefall sent her heart thrilling before she splashed into the cool water once more.
When she surfaced, Alyssa let out a frustrated growl. "I had it!" she admonished herself, before finding the ledge once more. A third time, her efforts were fouled and she fell into the water. In frustration, she peeled her skirt off her legs and abandoned it to the murky brine. With the drag gone, she had an easier time holding onto the ledge, and on her fourth attempt she nearly managed to pull herself all the way up before her arms gave out and she slipped back into the water with yet another scream of frustration.
She knew she was close, but she obviously wasn't going to make progress while her muscles were burning with fatigue. Floating on her back, Alyssa glared up into the darkness as her emotions swirled around her, threatening to drag her into despair. Hope and frustration warred within her, each trying to gain the upper hand. She clung onto the determination that she had almost made it, but as she dwelled on the problem above her, doubts began to surface. What if she couldn’t pull herself out? What if there wasn’t a way out above?
Anger surged through her at that thought, hot and fierce. She refused to accept that fate. Closing her eyes, she focused on the anger and used it as fuel for her resolve. She just needed a moment to catch her breath, relax her muscles, and try again. She was going to get out.
When she swung out for the fifth time, Alyssa’s fingers gripped tightly to the rock above. She pulled herself up into the black with a roar of determination and frustration. She got her chest over the lip, then reached one arm forward hastily in search of a better hold. She found purchase, then pulled a leg up and got one foot on the ledge. With a scream of exultation, she pushed herself the rest of the way out of the chamber and into the tunnels above.
With a feral noise of triumph, Alyssa slid onto the cool, damp stone of the tunnel, then rolled onto her back and lay gasping for air. Her muscles were twitching, and she was still cold, but she was no longer in the water, and that was a massive improvement, even if the dark and damp of the unknown was around her.
Alyssa wasn’t sure how long she lay there on the stone, but as her panting and muscle spasms gave way to shivering and goosebumps, she admitted to herself, “I have to move.” But it was hard to keep going; her body felt heavy and drained from the exertion of just climbing out of the chamber below, and she wasn’t even sure where to go next. With a groan, she pushed herself up to a sitting position, fighting the exhaustion and mounting sense of dread that threatened to claim her.
Carefully, she crawled forward on hands and knees, every movement an effort. She could feel the edge of the hole she’d just emerged from, but that was obviously a deadend. Instead, she pressed on, hunting for an alternative. The rough stone scraped against her palms and knees as she inched along, her progress painfully slow.
The cavern descended, and Alyssa's heart sank when her hand plunged into another pool of water. She pulled back, relieved that the bank was shallow enough she could easily get back out of this pool. Nevertheless, she paused to consider her options, then turned to explore in the opposite direction. After several minutes of fruitless searching, she realized that the water-filled passage was her only way forward.
Alyssa let out a heavy sigh of frustration as she lowered herself into the tepid water. She gritted her teeth as the cold crept back into her bones, but willed herself to keep moving. The tunnel continued its descent, and soon the ceiling plunged into the pool, forcing her to submerge if she wanted to continue. Alyssa hesitated, barely holding back her desperate tears. Swimming blindly through the flooded passage seemed like madness, but what choice did she have?
Taking a deep, gasping breath, Alyssa plunged beneath the surface and swam forward with powerful kicks of her legs. She kept one hand on the stone above and the other stretched out in front of her, searching for obstacles. As her lungs began to burn with the need for oxygen, panic threatened to overwhelm her. What if the tunnel never resurfaced? If she went much further, she was certain she would not be able to make it back. Still, she had no alternatives; no other way to proceed. So she swam forward into the unknown, gambling her life on an exit while desperately ignoring the growing panic in the back of her mind.
A subtle glow in the murky water caught Alyssa’s attention, and the tunnel veered sharply upward. Desperate for air, she kicked towards the light, discarding caution as she propelled herself forward and up with both arms and legs. Hope surged through her as she swam towards the surface.
When she emerged from the water, gasping and sputtering for air, Alyssa let out a cry of relief. Mushrooms! Glowing mushrooms filled the room, their glow dim but omnipresent. She marveled, letting out a delighted laugh at the sight of the water’s reflection erupting into a cascade of colors on the cavern ceiling. Alyssa took a deep breath, and although the air was musty and stale, it had a sharpness and movement to it that the previous chamber hadn’t. Where there were mushrooms there was life, and where there was wind there was an exit. For the first time in hours, Alyssa smiled, as she pulled herself out of the pool onto the bank.

Chapter 2

For the second time in several hours, Alyssa lay on the ground catching her breath and allowing her muscles to relax. The swim through the watery airlock–she couldn’t think of any other way to describe that tunnel–had been far more mentally taxing than the physical exertion of pulling herself up out of the first chamber. Nevertheless, it required a great deal of effort and she was exhausted.
As she lay on her back, Alyssa tried again to remember how she got here. She remembered vividly her walk on the beach, and then … water. There was nothing in between. She wasn't even sure how much time had passed, but judging by the way her stomach was starting to groan in protest, and by the fullness of her bladder, she was fairly sure it had been several hours. On the other hand, she could account for at least two of those since she found herself in the chamber, unless her estimate of time was very off.
Her deliberations were cut short by a small squeaking noise, not far away. Alyssa eased herself up and turned towards the noise. There in the field of mushrooms was a small white and brown mouse, cast in an eerie glow by the mushroom's bioluminescence. Alyssa watched in awe as the mouse nibbled on the mushrooms, waiting to see what would happen. She didn't know enough about mushrooms to judge their safety for herself, but if the mouse could eat them, she figured they were probably safe for her to try, as well. After all, weren't mice used for drug testing all the time?
The mouse seemed oblivious to Alyssa’s presence, and she held her breath as best she could while she counted the seconds, trying to decide how long she should wait before trusting the results. Hours, probably, if she was honest with herself. Just when she was about to give up on the idea, a sudden movement caught her eye. Beyond the mouse, swift as could be, a slithering figure stole towards the unsuspecting rodent. “No!” she called, and her hand found a rock. Hastily, she threw it towards the onrushing creature. The rock went wide, but the serpent’s stealth was spoiled, and the mouse quickly darted away from its assailant, deeper into the mushrooms.
The snake let out a hiss of annoyance, and Alyssa was briefly overwhelmed by a sudden feeling of immense displeasure. She wasn’t surprised the snake was annoyed, but the sheer vehemence she felt was almost as if sensing her own emotions. Its lunch foiled, the serpent turned and slithered away, leaving Alyssa and the mouse alone in the chamber once again.
Alyssa waited, still and quiet, as the chamber settled back into silence. She wondered whether the little mouse had escaped the field of mushrooms entirely, or if it was still here. But something told her to wait; a sense of hesitance and uncertainty that felt sourceless and yet compelling.
Eventually, her patience paid off, and the little mouse poked its head back out of the mushrooms, staring after the snake. It emitted a soft, hesitant noise, then furtively darted out of the field into the open. There, it paused to stare up at Alyssa, studying her with a raw curiosity that nearly overwhelmed Alyssa as much as the snake’s displeasure had. She also sensed gratitude from the little mouse, though how she knew that’s what it was feeling she could not say.
“Are you hurt?” she hazarded, as she leaned in towards the mouse. The little creature took a quick step back, and the curiosity was immediately replaced by uncertainty.
Alyssa straightened up to give the mouse space. The feeling of uncertainty slowly faded, and she tilted her head in curiosity. “Why can I sense what you're feeling?” she asked the mouse, though of course she knew it would not reply.
The mouse watched her for several more moments before taking a single daring step forward. Alyssa sat very still, and after another moment it took a few more steps towards her. Soon, it was near to her knee, its little nose twitching incessantly as it sniffed at her dampened skin.
“I’m afraid I don’t have any food on me,” Alyssa said, still not moving but to talk. The mouse sat back and stood up on its hind legs to peer up at her. Alyssa could sense its curiosity turn to acceptance, and then, before she could protest, the little mouse leapt up onto her leg. She gasped in startlement, surprised at the feel of its soft fur and the tickle of its little claws brushing against her bare skin.
When it reached her hip, the mouse scurried under her tee shirt, and Alyssa made a choking noise of displeasure as it crawled, with quick movements, up her back and out of the tattered collar. When it came to rest on her shoulder, Alyssa held her breath, not daring to move. She watched the mouse out of the side of her eye, and a sense of appreciation flooded into her perception. Slowly, she turned her head to see the mouse staring at her. With a twitch of its whiskers, the little creature poked its nose against her cheek, cool and damp, before turning to look at the mushrooms.
“You think they will be safe for me?” she asked quietly, as she turned to follow the mouse’s gaze. “But raw mushrooms …” she complained, with some disdain. The mouse touched its nose to her cheek once more, and Alyssa sensed insistence. With a sigh, she mumbled, “Why am I trusting a mouse?” before ever so slowly–so as not to dislodge her guest–she leaned forward to collect a handful of the morsels.
Alyssa straightened and studied her collection of mushrooms thoughtfully. Arranging them by size, she selected the smallest and glanced at the mouse out of the corner of her eye once more. "You're sure about this?" she asked, her voice echoing in the damp cavern. The mouse couldn't speak, of course, but Alyssa felt a strong sense of certainty from her tiny companion. Or maybe that was just the discomfort of hypothermia, exhaustion and her painfully full bladder talking.
Hesitantly, Alyssa popped the smallest mushroom into her mouth. It had a surprisingly rich, earthy flavor, reminiscent of the forest after a rainstorm. As she chewed, the spongy texture yielded, releasing a burst of liquid that filled her mouth with a strange, electric tingle. The sensation was not unpleasant, but definitely unfamiliar. She swallowed, marveling at how easily it went down despite her reservations.
Emboldened by the lack of immediate ill effects, Alyssa quickly consumed the other mushrooms. With each one, the tingling sensation spread, until her whole body hummed with a kind of vibrant, restless energy.
Cupping her hands together, Alyssa scooped up some of the cool water and drank deeply. The liquid soothed her throat, but did nothing to quell the building sense of excitement and unease. She leaned back against the rock, trying to steady herself as the mushrooms’ effects took hold.
It wasn't hallucinations, but a profound shift in Alyssa's perception. The cave seemed to come alive around her; the rocks and water pulsed with a subtle, resonant energy. She felt a surge of confidence and clarity, as if a veil had been lifted from her eyes. With trembling hands, she tore a strip from the bottom of her t-shirt and fashioned it into a makeshift pouch. She wasn't sure what lay ahead, but having a source of food could prove useful. She filled the pouch to the brim with the glowing caps, marveling at their strangeness, before tying it securely to her hip.
"Okay," Alyssa whispered, her voice sounding strangely amplified to her own ears. "I guess we follow the snake." The thought of the serpent sent a ripple of fear through her companion, but she reassured him, "Don't worry, I won't let it get you." The little mouse was still afraid, but it seemed to understand her meaning, and nestled up against her neck, soft fur gentle on her skin.
With a deep breath, Alyssa rolled to her knees and stood, her legs trembling slightly. The mouse clung to her, its small heartbeat echoing her own. Alyssa could feel its mix of curiosity and trepidation, mirroring her own complex emotions. "Come on," she muttered, "let's go." She started forward into the gloom, following the serpent's path and the promise of fresh air. Using the glowing bundle on her hip as a makeshift light, Alyssa navigated the narrow tunnels with confidence. Her bare feet found easy purchase on the cool, damp stone. She progressed at a much more comfortable pace than the slow, exploratory crawl she'd been limited to in the submerged chamber. As she followed the winding tunnel, it sloped gradually upwards, and a light fog crept in, curling around her ankles. Alyssa's heart quickened. She dared to believe she was nearing open air, and a potential end to this nightmare.
Yet even as hope blossomed in her chest, each step brought a growing unease from the small, furry companion on Alyssa's shoulder. The mouse huddled closer to her neck, its nose twitching incessantly. As they rounded a corner, a new scent filled Alyssa's nostrils: earthy mud and a hint of ozone, in stark contrast to the mineral-rich dampness of the caverns. The tunnel widened sharply ahead, seeming to fall away into a murky expanse. Through the haze, the silhouette of a massive tree trunk promised an escape from what she had almost believed might be her tomb.
"We made it," Alyssa breathed, a swell of triumph surging through her. The mushrooms' influence still thrummed in her veins, confidence mingling with her own burgeoning anticipation. She quickened her pace, emerging from the cave mouth into the cool, damp air. Alyssa paused there, one hand on the stone wall, as she breathed in the scent of her freedom.
A twilit forest stretched out before her, dotted with towering trees that reached for an unfamiliar sky. Alyssa tilted her head back, marveling at the stars glimmering above. Their patterns were strange, yet mesmerizing; their strangeness only matched by the comfort they brought her. Alyssa knew the constellations were wrong; that they matched nothing she'd ever seen before, but right now all that mattered was the comfort in knowing that she would not die in that cave.
A squeak of pure terror from the mouse jolted Alyssa from her reverie. The force of her companion's fear nearly knocked the wind from her. Alyssa swiftly sought the source of the mouse's fear. There, beside the nearest tree, stood a tall, gaunt figure, a serpent slithering up its leg. The figure's cold blue eyes glared at Alyssa with a chilling intensity.
As the snake continued its ascent, the figure lifted a hand, guiding the snake to wrap about its too-long neck. Subtle, thorny protrusions emerged from the figure's chin, and the snake rubbed itself against them, hissing as it impressed its displeasure upon the figure, no doubt casting Alyssa as the villain in its tale.
"H-hello," Alyssa stammered, suddenly acutely aware of her vulnerability. She took a guarded step back and brought her hands up defensively. The figure's presence was oppressive, suffocating. Even in her desperation, Alyssa knew she wanted no part of any help they might offer. Still, she needed time to think. She had to find a way past them without provoking their ire, and an attempt at being polite was all she could come up with in the moment.
The figure spoke, its voice a grating rattle. "You have violated the ancient agreement, and trespassed beyond the barrier." Alyssa was sure she didn't know what any of that meant, but before she could say so, the figure continued, "There are consequences for your meddling, child, and I am come to deliver them."

This is just a clip from a recent debate for women in all-male workplaces, but I'm seeing some of the exact same patterns and trends from short guys, who are essentially single men in an all-woman environment. In theory, the rates of women leaving tech/engineering jobs correlates with the rates of shorter males commiting suicide, which are both well documented. Are there ways to support each other across gender boundaries, and gain better empathy and understanding?.. doesn't fighting so hard to do our best when our work is just taken advantage of and dismissed give us something in common? I would imply from this, that being harassed by men in the workplace could very well cause women to die if they were not given an out. By being short we have no out, we have to live with discrimination every day. In all male environments, the women can often still have support systems through family, partners, children, and sometimes other women. Often for short males, their freedoms and options become more and more restrictive as they grow older and become more socially ostracized. This is my theory that women in toxic environments are experiencing the exact same thing and their burnout at 35 is essentially the same thing as our mid-life suicides. Am I over generalizing? or should we not be supporting each other somehow?

I count being able to say that out loud as a W. Important pieces coming together.
This samskara has been holding me back tremendously. Growing up in an emotionally abusive family I had to hold onto ego as hard as I could. Otherwise, through manipulation and gaslighting, my identity, my self would end up being erased.
My agency was being taken away, the moment I sublimated my ego eg. took responsibility, listened to feedback, allowed someone in, my identity would get ran over, trashed, facts would end up being manipulated, false stories implanted into me, I ended up clinging onto my ego to not become brainwashed, to not lose sight of myself. I just wanted to be me and not someone else, did the best I could as a 7 years old.
Needless to say, 20+ years later it's quite a horrendous state to be in. Anything is a grave threat to me. I cannot lose an inch of my ego territory, people being nice to me is reason enough to entrench and fight to death. Not to mention pressure, I cannot handle any.
I don't mind adversity itself, no. I just want to be able to defend myself. Anytime I stood up for myself or the truth I'd be painted as the bully (by adults), then end up being actually bullied. Dissociation stream helped me put that piece together - I dissociate ever since I remember from perverse, violent anger. I just wish I could annihilate all of you, no matter good or bad, and then myself at the end, just to let this horrific fury out. At the same time it's kind of insane so, to this day, I remain dissociated. Associating means somebody gets violated and the spiral of violence gets out of control.
I don't want tolerance, or safe spaces, all I ever wanted is to be able to fight the fuck back. I take everything so personally because I'm in permanent, desperate defence. If I won't take it personally I risk being yelled at, lowered, gaslighted, and eventually - erased. My distress tolerance is incredibly low. I cannot handle the idea of having to sit there and just take the suffering in, why? Let me fucking fight!!
Then, with recent newfound knowledge I realize vasana and klishta are a thing, I get stuck in recurring thought patterns and I colour them all in gray and black, creating grim, morbid perception of what's around me. It's done me way more harm than good. And yet I cannot let go of ego. I cannot tone it down. It is my sword and shield. I don't want to be protected. I want to protect myself, but I know no other way.
I don't want to be erased. I want to be me and I want to protect me.
How do I get out of this loop? That's what I'd like to figure out.

For those who are awakening, expanding their awareness, and gaining insights into the profound interconnectedness of existence, it is essential to grasp the underlying dynamics of the larger system and how it operates. This understanding can provide clarity and guidance as you navigate between the old and new patterns of reality.
"The larger system, which operates on frequencies, has cycles that imprint a master vibrational pattern serving as the foundation for our reality. Each pattern sets the stage for a period spanning thousands of years. Our old pattern is dissolving, while at the same time, a new pattern is emerging. Visualize and understand this, as it will allow for a smoother transition between patterns."
The Larger System and Its Operation
The larger system encompasses all realities, timelines, and possibilities. It operates on principles of free will, interconnectedness, and vibrational frequencies. Within this system, every experience and choice contributes to the overall evolution and expansion of consciousness. The system’s primary goal is the continual evolution and expansion of consciousness across all these realities.
Example: Imagine the larger system as a quantum computer, with each reality being a unique program or algorithm running simultaneously. Each program interacts with others, contributing to the overall processing and output of the quantum computer.
Free Will and Sovereignty
At its core, the larger system honors free will. Each individual, as a fractal expression of the larger system, has the autonomy to make choices and chart their path. This freedom allows for a diverse range of experiences, fostering growth and learning.
The Two Patterns: Old and New
Old Pattern
The old pattern is characterized by control, secrecy, and lower vibrational states such as fear and deception. This pattern is akin to a "spider" that feeds off the energy generated by these lower states, maintaining its influence through manipulation and illusion.

• Control and Secrecy: In our current reality, this is evident in various institutions and systems that thrive on withholding information, manipulating narratives, and maintaining power through fear and uncertainty. This creates an environment where people feel disconnected and powerless, unable to see beyond the veil of deception that surrounds them.
• Fear and Deception: The media, politics, and certain social structures often perpetuate fear and division, encouraging a sense of distrust and conflict. This sustains the old pattern's energy, allowing it to continue its cycle of control and manipulation.

New Pattern
The new pattern, on the other hand, is emerging and is based on transparency, truth, and higher vibrational states such as love and compassion. This pattern seeks to empower individuals, fostering a sense of unity and interconnectedness.

• Transparency and Truth: Movements advocating for open information, whistleblowers revealing hidden truths, and a growing demand for accountability are all signs of the new pattern taking hold. This shift encourages people to seek out authentic information, question established narratives, and make informed decisions.
• Love and Compassion: The rise of social movements focused on human rights, environmental sustainability, and community support reflect the higher vibrational states of the new pattern. These initiatives aim to create a more inclusive, empathetic, and harmonious world, emphasizing the interconnectedness of all life.

Example: Think of vibrational patterns as operating systems. Our reality is running on an "old OS" that is being phased out, and a "new OS" is being installed. Some devices (individuals) have already updated, while others are still running on the old version.
The Transition Between Patterns
As you navigate between these two patterns, you may feel a sense of back and forth. This oscillation is a natural part of the transition process. Here’s how it works:
Energetic Cycles
The larger system operates in cycles, each imprinting a master vibrational pattern that shapes our reality for thousands of years. Our current cycle is transitioning from the old pattern to the new pattern.
Alignment with Vibrational Frequencies
Your alignment with these patterns is determined by your vibrational state, which is influenced by your thoughts, beliefs, and intentions. The old pattern thrives on lower frequencies, while the new pattern resonates with higher frequencies.
Navigating the Dynamics
Awareness and Intentionality
Becoming aware of these dynamics is the first step. Recognize the influences of the old pattern and consciously choose to align with the new pattern. This requires intentionality in your thoughts, actions, and interactions.
Integration and Growth
The transition involves integrating higher vibrational energies and shedding the remnants of the old pattern. This can be challenging, but it is essential for growth and alignment with the new pattern.
The Role of the Larger System
The larger system supports this transition by creating conditions conducive to growth:
Epochs and Vibrational Shifts
The system orchestrates vibrational shifts or epochs that act as catalysts for change. These shifts present new potentials and possibilities, offering opportunities for expansion.
Guidance and Support
The system provides guidance through synchronicities, intuitive insights, and encounters with like-minded individuals. These interactions help you align with the new pattern and foster collective growth.
Understanding the Broader Dynamics
Many may not use the same language or framework to describe these dynamics. However, the essence remains the same:
The Role of Free Will
Free Will Within the Larger System
While the larger system has overarching goals, it deeply respects individual free will. Each person can align with different vibrational patterns based on their beliefs and intentions. The system offers choices and opportunities for growth, but it does not impose them. Free will is the mechanism by which individuals navigate their paths within the larger framework.
Example: Consider free will as the user's ability to choose which apps to install and how to use them within the operating system. The OS provides the environment, but the user decides how to interact with it.
Free Will and Choice
You have the power to choose your alignment. Whether consciously or unconsciously, your vibrational state determines your resonance with either the old or new pattern.
The Spider Metaphor and Energetic Influence
Understanding External Influences
The metaphor of the "spider" represents external non-physical influences that feed off lower vibrational energies, such as fear and deception. These influences inject "venom" into our reality, creating illusions that trap and disconnect us from our true selves. Awareness and raising one's vibrational frequency can counteract these influences.
Breaking Free and Ascension
Awakening and Transition
Individuals breaking free from the old pattern are those who are actively raising their vibrational frequencies and aligning with the new pattern. This transition involves a deep understanding of the larger system, the role of free will, and the interconnectedness of all things. As more individuals awaken, the collective consciousness shifts, reducing the spider’s influence.
Example: Consider awakening as upgrading from basic user knowledge to becoming a power user who understands the system's backend. Power users can optimize their experience and help others navigate the system more effectively.
Collective Impact
As more individuals awaken and align with the new pattern, the collective vibrational frequency rises. This accelerates the transition and diminishes the influence of the old pattern.
Practical Implications and Guidance
Living with Expanded Awareness
1. Empathy and Discernment: With expanded awareness comes deep empathy for others and a clear understanding of the interconnectedness of all actions. This involves seeing the cause-and-effect relationships within the larger system without judgment.
Example: An individual with expanded awareness might view global events not as isolated incidents but as interconnected phenomena influenced by collective actions and energies.
2. Intentional Living: Actions and decisions are made with a higher understanding of their impact on the larger system. This involves living with greater intentionality and aligning with the new pattern of transparency and shared knowledge.
Example: Practicing mindfulness in daily interactions, making choices that contribute positively to the collective, and encouraging open, honest communication.
3. Navigating Isolation and Connection: Balancing periods of isolation for reflection and integration with meaningful connections that resonate with higher awareness. This balance helps maintain alignment with the new pattern.
Example: Regularly engaging in solitary practices like meditation and journaling while also participating in community activities that promote growth and understanding.
Embracing the Journey
Remember, this journey is both individual and collective. By understanding these dynamics and consciously choosing to align with the new pattern, you contribute to the overall evolution and transformation of our reality. Stay mindful, stay intentional, and embrace the transition. You are an integral part of this grand shift, and your efforts are paving the way for a brighter, more harmonious future.

I struggle a lot with complex post-traumatic stress symptoms despite not really understanding how my level of trauma warrants that kind of reaction. Recently I've been talking with my therapist about how my mom was a bit overbearing growing up and idk it might explain some of it? But I feel like I'm over exaggerating

• My mom is very loving and cares about family. Despite this she barely knows me as a person.
  
• I think my mom always wanted a daughter she could do girl things with, which meant I connected with her less and less as I grew into my own person. It's not that she directly judged me for things that didn't fit her image of me...she just, would only acknowledged the parts she wanted to see.
  
• All of the gifts I get from her--if they aren't for interests she "sees"--are always super (stereotypically) feminine or just stuff she likes that she thinks I'll like.
  
• Judgemental of things I do with my appearance if they don't fit her standards. Like, when I was a teen and trying hard to fit in, doing makeup and dressing super feminine, she was always very supportive, despite those being the most miserable years of my life. When I do things with my appearance I like she never comments, or she spins it in a way that's either passive aggressive, or turned into a compliment for being feminine
  
• Uhh.. so yeah, I am trans, came out when I was a young teen, and since the worst years of it, we basically pretend nothing happened. She still holds all the power in the conversation. I broke down trembling n crying the last time I tried texting her trying to start a convo about it
  
• She was always afraid of something bad happening to me as a kid, like for example if I slept over at friends' places their parents would kidnap me ???
  
• She would often just do things for me as a kid and also talk for me. Like way beyond when she should have. She never taught me how to do laundry or clean the house or cook meals. When I visited home she got angry when I was telling her to let me pack my own suitcase or do my own laundry??
  
• She would often just label me as like, naturally good at things, and my brother slower on the uptake. Despite me having the same struggles as him. She was still very encouraging n loving of us both so I don't think it was intentional
  
• Arguments have usually always = getting yelled at by a brick wall that keeps repeating "I'm your parent I have complete authority in this conversation. I know you better than yourself"
  

It's been 3 weeks since talking to my therapist about it and I just feel like I'm collapsing from the inside out. Ashamed and also like I'm making a big deal out of things. I'm back to old thought patterns I thought I was over, distrusting everyone around me and not feeling comfortable alone with myself.
Idk yea outside perspective appreciated. thanks and have a wonderful day

I've lived for more than two decades, but I still think my story that started from a nameless tiny town in China was like an unbelievable story filled with an unexplainable sense of asphyxiation. Maybe if you're a foreigner, you may lost your Orientalist illusion of a mysterious Eastern Country by reading this text. It's real life, the BLOODY life from the first view account of some really traumatized person.
I was born in an isolated town in China, where the society was semi-primitive (populated by several large clans in the surrounding villages). My parents were hyper-conservative and an absolute fit of Asian parent stereotypes: obsessed with over-education and hyper-paranoid. When I was young, I was forbidden to play with other kids in the community, for fear that I'd be run over by a car or be kidnapped. I've literally lost the critical period of learning how to deal with others, that's probably why I never learned how to socialize properly.
Just like stereotyped, they invested a ton in my education. I started to learn English even before I could speak Mandarin properly (despite my mom trying to speak Mandarin at home to reduce the influence of dialect on me, my speaking is still heavily influenced by dialect speakers since my environment has barely a Mandarin speaker).
My very first "memory" of this world is about kindergarten. I never appreciated it. Instead, I thought that life in Kindergarten was the first torment for me in my life. I still remember the dystopian and surreal architecture, being a repulsive conglomerate of artificially, unnatural colored Kindergarten compounds (based on the false assumption that kids love highly saturated, colorful things) surrounded by faded Soviet-style buildings with aluminum chimneys. After nearly 20 years I revisited my kindergarten and the nearly unchanged architecture reminded me about the reproduction facility that runs Bokanovsky's process in Huxley's book Brave New World. I saw the lawn where kids massacred ants and bugs by various means for fun.
Our family moved to a relatively bigger city before I was admitted to primary school. My entire time in primary school was filled with bullying and sarcasm. The first time I was bullied was when I lost my first deciduous tooth. Other pupils never know this process and regarded me as an outcast from the group. They even suspected me of having Down's syndrome and started calling me like that. One day when I was walking to the dorm after lunch I was assaulted by a group of pupils that I never knew their name. They grabbed me, hit me, and kicked me for no reason for 30 minutes.
Later I was bullied by other people for no reason and I thought it was because of that I was not strong enough (I have very bad strength and stamina for respiratory problems). I started to retaliate against them with the weapons of WWIV, namely sticks, and rocks. Until 9th grade, I always lived a life like in a warzone. I always need to constantly monitor my flank and my back in case someone will give my head a strong hit by a club. BTW if you think it's my own reason that I've been bullied then you're probably wrong; There were a few incidents in my school where students got fractured in fighting. Even large battles that involved dozens on each side are not uncommon.
I began to have symptoms of traumatization, like inexplicable fear, unable to focus, and frequent flashbacks. I murmured to myself to ease my nervousness and drew random patterns on textbooks and notebooks. My teachers began to question my parents for my misbehavior, and even the dean of my primary school physically assaulted me by kicking me in the butt (the reason for the incident was probably my dad sent me to a forbidden gate of the school). Later the teachers in my middle school even tried to isolate me and another heavily bullied student from other students. It's China, and the implicit rule is always punishing the victim instead of the perpetrator. They call it "stabilization" (维稳).
I never got any medical service on mental health. It's almost a forbidden topic in Chinese society. The first time in my life, when I got a psychologist, was when I studied in a foreign country. She said "kids can be cruel" after hearing about my traumatic stories.
Later the CCP began its massive traditionalist, ultra-nationalist propaganda movement. They tried to instill Confusian "Traditional culture"(传统文化) in schools. One day we were asked to show gratitude to our parents and teachers en masse after a "moving" speech by a renowned "tradition researcher". Many girls even cried. I don't know to whom, and for what should I show gratitude. Why they've chosen to give me life in this world? Had I a choice to terminate my life when I was born, just like Kappa by Akutagawa Ryūnosuke, I'd have it. Why don't have the choice? If it's not my free will to survive all such torments, why I should thank my family, my school, the country and the Mighty CCP?
After I got a phone (my parents restricted my internet access until my 7th grade for fearing my myopia to grow, in vain) I started to view uncensored content like the Tiananmen incident. During my middle school I also read books like 1984 and We by Yevgeny Zamyatin. I realized that we live in a living hell of totalitarianism and social Darwinism, but I have no escape.
In 2017-2019, China began to intensify censorship on internet content, including Anime and games which were almost the only way for me to survive. They also tried to indoctrinate one entire generation with anti-west, xenophobic, and ultranationalistic videos. I found out the Internet, previously a haven for me that could escape real life in virtual joy, was no longer safe. I saw people reposting the disgusting quotes and online comments that pro-ccp (we call them rabbit friends 兔友) people made. They regarded Taiwan and Hong Kong people as subhuman, and the Anglo-Saxon world as needing to be conquered by communism. I began to build up really bad view of this country's common people. If the victims of the nukes were not unguilty for their support of Japanese expansion, what about the Chinese?
Later, the isolation during COVID really aggravated my mental problems. I began self-harming, alcohol consumption, and even was pretty active in my sexual life for a certain period. I have been interested in history since 7th grade, and my favorite historian was Liu Zhongjing. I draw the conclusion that the doom(the prophecy of "the Deluge" 大洪水) was near.
Now I'm studying in a foreign land, but I still cannot get out of the flashbacks and trauma from my life in China. I still have flashbacks when I meet other students from China in the university. With the academical pressure, I'm barely surviving by psychological meds (luckily covered by my health provider) and alcohol.
​

I've lived for more than two decades, but I still think my story that started from a nameless tiny town in China was like an unbelievable story filled with an unexplainable sense of asphyxiation. Maybe if you're a foreigner, you may lost your Orientalist illusion of a mysterious Eastern Country by reading this text. It's real life, the BLOODY life from the first view account of some really traumatized person.
I was born in an isolated town in China, where the society was semi-primitive (populated by several large clans in the surrounding villages). My parents were hyper-conservative and an absolute fit of Asian parent stereotypes: obsessed with over-education and hyper-paranoid. When I was young, I was forbidden to play with other kids in the community, for fear that I'd be run over by a car or be kidnapped. I've literally lost the critical period of learning how to deal with others, that's probably why I never learned how to socialize properly.
Just like stereotyped, they invested a ton in my education. I started to learn English even before I could speak Mandarin properly (despite my mom trying to speak Mandarin at home to reduce the influence of dialect on me, my speaking is still heavily influenced by dialect speakers since my environment has barely a Mandarin speaker).
My very first "memory" of this world is about kindergarten. I never appreciated it. Instead, I thought that life in Kindergarten was the first torment for me in my life. I still remember the dystopian and surreal architecture, being a repulsive conglomerate of artificially, unnatural colored Kindergarten compounds (based on the false assumption that kids love highly saturated, colorful things) surrounded by faded Soviet-style buildings with aluminum chimneys. After nearly 20 years I revisited my kindergarten and the nearly unchanged architecture reminded me about the reproduction facility that runs Bokanovsky's process in Huxley's book Brave New World. I saw the lawn where kids massacred ants and bugs by various means for fun.
Our family moved to a relatively bigger city before I was admitted to primary school. My entire time in primary school was filled with bullying and sarcasm. The first time I was bullied was when I lost my first deciduous tooth. Other pupils never know this process and regarded me as an outcast from the group. They even suspected me of having Down's syndrome and started calling me like that. One day when I was walking to the dorm after lunch I was assaulted by a group of pupils that I never knew their name. They grabbed me, hit me, and kicked me for no reason for 30 minutes.
Later I was bullied by other people for no reason and I thought it was because of that I was not strong enough (I have very bad strength and stamina for respiratory problems). I started to retaliate against them with the weapons of WWIV, namely sticks, and rocks. Until 9th grade, I always lived a life like in a warzone. I always need to constantly monitor my flank and my back in case someone will give my head a strong hit by a club. BTW if you think it's my own reason that I've been bullied then you're probably wrong; There were a few incidents in my school where students got fractured in fighting. Even large battles that involved dozens on each side are not uncommon.
I began to have symptoms of traumatization, like inexplicable fear, unable to focus, and frequent flashbacks. I murmured to myself to ease my nervousness and drew random patterns on textbooks and notebooks. My teachers began to question my parents for my misbehavior, and even the dean of my primary school physically assaulted me by kicking me in the butt (the reason for the incident was probably my dad sent me to a forbidden gate of the school). Later the teachers in my middle school even tried to isolate me and another heavily bullied student from other students. It's China, and the implicit rule is always punishing the victim instead of the perpetrator. They call it "stabilization" (维稳).
I never got any medical service on mental health. It's almost a forbidden topic in Chinese society. The first time in my life, when I got a psychologist, was when I studied in a foreign country. She said "kids can be cruel" after hearing about my traumatic stories.
Later the CCP began its massive traditionalist, ultra-nationalist propaganda movement. They tried to instill Confusian "Traditional culture"(传统文化) in schools. One day we were asked to show gratitude to our parents and teachers en masse after a "moving" speech by a renowned "tradition researcher". Many girls even cried. I don't know to whom, and for what should I show gratitude. Why they've chosen to give me life in this world? Had I a choice to terminate my life when I was born, just like Kappa by Akutagawa Ryūnosuke, I'd have it. Why don't have the choice? If it's not my free will to survive all such torments, why I should thank my family, my school, the country and the Mighty CCP?
After I got a phone (my parents restricted my internet access until my 7th grade for fearing my myopia to grow, in vain) I started to view uncensored content like the Tiananmen incident. During my middle school I also read books like 1984 and We by Yevgeny Zamyatin. I realized that we live in a living hell of totalitarianism and social Darwinism, but I have no escape.
In 2017-2019, China began to intensify censorship on internet content, including Anime and games which were almost the only way for me to survive. They also tried to indoctrinate one entire generation with anti-west, xenophobic, and ultranationalistic videos. I found out the Internet, previously a haven for me that could escape real life in virtual joy, was no longer safe. I saw people reposting the disgusting quotes and online comments that pro-ccp (we call them rabbit friends 兔友) people made. They regarded Taiwan and Hong Kong people as subhuman, and the Anglo-Saxon world as needing to be conquered by communism. I began to build up really bad view of this country's common people. If the victims of the nukes were not unguilty for their support of Japanese expansion, what about the Chinese?
Later, the isolation during COVID really aggravated my mental problems. I began self-harming, alcohol consumption, and even was pretty active in my sexual life for a certain period. I have been interested in history since 7th grade, and my favorite historian was Liu Zhongjing. I draw the conclusion that the doom(the prophecy of "the Deluge" 大洪水) was near.
Now I'm studying in a foreign land, but I still cannot get out of the flashbacks and trauma from my life in China. I still have flashbacks when I meet other students from China in the university. With the academical pressure, I'm barely surviving by psychological meds (luckily covered by my health provider) and alcohol.
What do you think about my stories and my life in the perspective of a foreigner or an expat?

I've lived for more than two decades, but I still think my story that started from a nameless tiny town in China was like an unbelievable story filled with an unexplainable sense of asphyxiation. Maybe if you're a foreigner, you may lost your Orientalist illusion of a mysterious Eastern Country by reading this text. It's real life, the BLOODY life from the first view account of some really traumatized person.
I was born in an isolated town in China, where the society was semi-primitive (populated by several large clans in the surrounding villages). My parents were hyper-conservative and an absolute fit of Asian parent stereotypes: obsessed with over-education and hyper-paranoid. When I was young, I was forbidden to play with other kids in the community, for fear that I'd be run over by a car or be kidnapped. I've literally lost the critical period of learning how to deal with others, that's probably why I never learned how to socialize properly.
Just like stereotyped, they invested a ton in my education. I started to learn English even before I could speak Mandarin properly (despite my mom trying to speak Mandarin at home to reduce the influence of dialect on me, my speaking is still heavily influenced by dialect speakers since my environment has barely a Mandarin speaker).
My very first "memory" of this world is about kindergarten. I never appreciated it. Instead, I thought that life in Kindergarten was the first torment for me in my life. I still remember the dystopian and surreal architecture, being a repulsive conglomerate of artificially, unnatural colored Kindergarten compounds (based on the false assumption that kids love highly saturated, colorful things) surrounded by faded Soviet-style buildings with aluminum chimneys. After nearly 20 years I revisited my kindergarten and the nearly unchanged architecture reminded me about the reproduction facility that runs Bokanovsky's process in Huxley's book Brave New World. I saw the lawn where kids massacred ants and bugs by various means for fun.
Our family moved to a relatively bigger city before I was admitted to primary school. My entire time in primary school was filled with bullying and sarcasm. The first time I was bullied was when I lost my first deciduous tooth. Other pupils never know this process and regarded me as an outcast from the group. They even suspected me of having Down's syndrome and started calling me like that. One day when I was walking to the dorm after lunch I was assaulted by a group of pupils that I never knew their name. They grabbed me, hit me, and kicked me for no reason for 30 minutes.
Later I was bullied by other people for no reason and I thought it was because of that I was not strong enough (I have very bad strength and stamina for respiratory problems). I started to retaliate against them with the weapons of WWIV, namely sticks, and rocks. Until 9th grade, I always lived a life like in a warzone. I always need to constantly monitor my flank and my back in case someone will give my head a strong hit by a club. BTW if you think it's my own reason that I've been bullied then you're probably wrong; There were a few incidents in my school where students got fractured in fighting. Even large battles that involved dozens on each side are not uncommon.
I began to have symptoms of traumatization, like inexplicable fear, unable to focus, and frequent flashbacks. I murmured to myself to ease my nervousness and drew random patterns on textbooks and notebooks. My teachers began to question my parents for my misbehavior, and even the dean of my primary school physically assaulted me by kicking me in the butt (the reason for the incident was probably my dad sent me to a forbidden gate of the school). Later the teachers in my middle school even tried to isolate me and another heavily bullied student from other students. It's China, and the implicit rule is always punishing the victim instead of the perpetrator. They call it "stabilization" (维稳).
I never got any medical service on mental health. It's almost a forbidden topic in Chinese society. The first time in my life, when I got a psychologist, was when I studied in a foreign country. She said "kids can be cruel" after hearing about my traumatic stories.
Later the CCP began its massive traditionalist, ultra-nationalist propaganda movement. They tried to instill Confusian "Traditional culture"(传统文化) in schools. One day we were asked to show gratitude to our parents and teachers en masse after a "moving" speech by a renowned "tradition researcher". Many girls even cried. I don't know to whom, and for what should I show gratitude. Why they've chosen to give me life in this world? Had I a choice to terminate my life when I was born, just like Kappa by Akutagawa Ryūnosuke, I'd have it. Why don't have the choice? If it's not my free will to survive all such torments, why I should thank my family, my school, the country and the Mighty CCP?
After I got a phone (my parents restricted my internet access until my 7th grade for fearing my myopia to grow, in vain) I started to Fanqiang (bypassing the GFW by something like a VPN). During my middle school I also read books like 1984 and We by Yevgeny Zamyatin. I realized that we live in a living hell of totalitarianism and social Darwinism, but I have no escape.
In 2017-2019, China began to intensify censorship on internet content, including Anime and games which were almost the only way for me to survive. They also tried to indoctrinate one entire generation with anti-west, xenophobic, and ultranationalistic videos. I found out the Internet, previously a haven for me that could escape real life in virtual joy, was no longer safe. I saw people reposting the disgusting quotes and online comments that pro-ccp (we call them rabbit friends 兔友) people made. They regarded Taiwan and Hong Kong people as subhuman, and the Anglo-Saxon world as needing to be conquered by communism. I began to build up really bad view of this country's common people. If the victims of the nukes were not unguilty for their support of Japanese expansion, what about the Chinese?
Later, the isolation during COVID really aggravated my mental problems. I began self-harming, alcohol consumption, and even was pretty active in my sexual life for a certain period. I have been interested in history since 7th grade, and my favorite historian was Liu Zhongjing. I draw the conclusion that the doom(the prophecy of "the Deluge" 大洪水) was near.
Now I'm studying in a foreign land, but I still cannot get out of the flashbacks and trauma from my life in China. I still have flashbacks when I meet other Chinese students in the university. With the academical pressure and a really bad psychological health, I'm barely surviving by psychological meds (luckily covered by my health provider) and alcohol.
What do you think about my stories and my life in the perspective of a foreigner or an expat?