To start with culturally in our families we don't call people by first name when they are substantially older than us. Its normally to add Aunty to add a suffix or a prefix to the name such as Rosie Aunty or other's in our native language.
My husband and I were married with 2 kids each when we married each other. His sister's kids called me my name followed by a specific term used for Mum's brother's wife.
Backstory: My husband had severe mental health issues when we married and his actions were horrendously abusive. One of the main reasons for this is his sister who kept triggering his PTSD (of his ex cheating) by talking shit about me. Suggesting all sorts of horrible things and one small suggestion and my husband would spiral. None of it was true and she also knows very well I am a 100% committed person who didn't even cheat in my almost sexless previous marriage. She wanted me gone because of jealousy (I didn't know this was a real emotion till I met her, my husband too warned me that she was a horribly jealous person and I didn't believe it then).
Either way, things got really bad and my husband's condition was so bad he was like a badly behaved 5 year old, completely unable to think. He would have some bouts of normalcy busy one small trigger and he would spiral - breaking stuff, yelling, accusations etc. The only person he trusted in that situation was his sister and I opened out everything in front of her to get him help. She instead spurred him more and more. It was insane. I had moved half way across the world for this marriage. I ended up in a shelter. My kids were displaced. It was really bad....his sister instead of even suggesting mental health help insisted to him not to go! I took him once and when we got there, he remembered his sister's words and literally ran into traffic. She pushed him to get a divorce.
Fast forward: When alone, He woke up, he got help, he realized his sister didn't bother calling his for weeks/months - but when poisoning she would call his daily. he completely turned around. I took him back , we remarried. His sister tried everything to stop it but my husband's completely turned around.
He made his sister apologize to me and he's been incredible.
His sister's kids are grown up like 26,22 . Since we remarried, they changed their addressing me to just my name. Its not normal for them, let alone our culture. Recently met them around lots of extended family, the refer to everyone with a respect prefix or suffix but me.
My step kids also call me by my name, even though when my husband and me first met they were kids, but somehow that doesn't bother me so much, esp as they always did. At that point my SIL would lecture my husband that his kids should not use just my name. With SIL's kids it feels like a demotion. I know its their way of saying they don't accept me (seriously WTF - I saved their uncle's life and he was the one who was abusive).
Its really bothering me, I want to ask my husband to stand up for me. Maybe something like "Call me by my first name" the next time they call him uncle "its deeply etched and they would consider it sacrilegious to do so. His saying that would clear his stand that my husband is not okay with how they treat me. That's all that I want. (PS - they are condescending, holier than thou and don't treat me well and now since we remarried do the same to my husband also).
I am not looking for forced respect, I don't care about their acceptance. Just want my husband to take a stand for me. Just wanted advice and perspective, because maybe its just my trauma that's making me overly sensitive.

DISCLAIMER: I did not transcribe this myself, though I could. I had a machine do it, and then the machine threw up afterwards -- but I did go through and add some bullety points while Jamie shot off her mouth. It's a total word salad, but one has only to skim through and see the number of ways she yawns and yawps and contradicts herself ... and does not take a breath, so there is very little punctuation. Again it's a run-on slog and the AI program chose to only use periods to end 70-some sentences because of all the run-on "like ... you know ... and ... but" instances as she ran with it -- with NO BOUNDARIES WHATSOVER. I did take out the kids' names, and I did search-and-replace all instances of "to" with "tuh" because that IS how they talk!
ENJOY -- and I use that word lightly:
AND SO IT BEGINS WITH Doug wishing Happy Mother's Day … and immediately Jamie corrects him, "Well, not really Mother's Day …" since they are recording after Mother's Day. Got get those Doug corrections in toot sweet, lest he thinks he has a mind of his own.
They note they tend to be "a little late on things," but they are "trying to get better about that." Doug says they had a fantastic Mother's Day, and he asked her if she had a good time. She said she had a great time. Doug wrote Happy Mother's Day on some cards and the kids drew on them. He gave her an eyelash waxing and noted probably a bad idea. She said it wasn't that she wasn't thrilled as she did mention that pregnancy makes her eyebrows bushy, but she was scared, maybe just mentioned she'd need to tweeze, but oh, well, yes, she likes his gift.
Jamie noted that it was "just the four of us" and of course, the babies in her belly, and that was fine with her – until her son's birthday of course, when she noted that their entire families suck!
So onto her son's birthdays and THESE GEMS AND THOUGHTS: I think it's just pregnancy hormones, but honestly, like, I just, I just can't, like, I don't know why, like, I guess, like, you know, ever since I was little, I've always really, really wanted family, like, so badly, like, I wanted just, like, deep connections with people who truly love me, and I truly love them, and we just really, truly support each other, and just, I don't know, I think, like, just pregnancy hormones made me think about it, but, like, yesterday for Son's birthday, and just family members who just completely forgot, and they just don't care, and I'm like, is it me? Is it him?
Like, and I don't want my son tuh grow, like, he doesn't know, and he'll never know, because I'll make sure, I mean, I spent every second, that boy had no second tuh think yesterday, like, I picked him up from school, and I took him tuh the library, because that's where he wanted tuh go, and then we, like, you know, we really love surprises in this family, if that's not clear by now, and so Daughter and I surprised him with a splash pad, like, we went tuh the splash pad for the first time, and we never do things like that on a school night, and so, and then he got tuh go pick out a cake that he wanted, and then Doug had dinner already at home, and then also we had decorations in his bedroom, which I was, like, hoping tuh have for the morning, but then Doug was, like, at, like, midnight, when we're, like, thinking about starting tuh blow up the balloons, Doug is like, Jamie, let's just surprise him tomorrow after school.

(Notice she takes no breath … and also they were super-last minute when it came tuh getting ready for his birthday, versus, what we have all mentioned, that isn't so when it's a gender reveal or a party or pickleball or something FOR HER.)
HERE, DOUG ASKS … "WHY, ARE WE GONNA DO THIS NOW?" AND THIS WAS PRETTY MUCH THE LAST EFFORT HE MADE tuh STOP HER BECAUSE SHE WENT ON WITH: Yeah, because it was so late, but I was like, I just have, like, this vision that I just wanted for him, because, you know, I'm just trying tuh give them the childhood that, like, I would have wanted, that any little kid would want, and really all that involves is truly just two loving parents who are there, and, like, that's really all that really involves, but if I can go a little extra, you know, and surprise him, and I, then I want to, you know, and so, you know.
DOUG NOTES THAT HE DOESN'T THINK THEY KNOW ANY DIFFERENT, AND HE CONTINUES WITH: I don't think they really know any different, you know, and I know, I know it's, it's tough, and I think, especially with, like, little kids, you know, they, they won't necessarily feel the impact and that want, you know, and, and I know that you do, and it, it hurts me that, you know, you would, you would want people tuh care enough to, tuh reach out, and I think, you know, for, for me, I, that's, I don't really set my expectations or, or give those expectations tuh son and daughter.
JAMIE BLASTS BACK, SUPER-DEFENSIVELY: Oh, I do not either, though. I do not at all. I don't say a thing tuh them about anything, because, you know, sometimes people miss their – you know, and that happens sometimes, but when it's, like, over, and over, and over again, and, like, it's just so obvious, and, and people ask us why we moved tuh Florida, and don't we want tuh be near family, and, you know, tuh be very honest, this is why.
Like, we, you know, I, we would fly up there tuh try tuh prove, like, hey, listen, we're not just trying tuh leave, though. Like, we, we, I want that family connection so badly with your family, with my family, and it's just, you know, unfortunately, it's, people are in different stages of life. I try tuh make excuses, like, for them, and, you know, for us, and it's probably not personal, but the point of the matter is, is that whether it's not personal, and people are busy, and whatever the case may be, we don't have that family connection.
We just don't, and I'm, I try tuh nurture it, and, um, you know, and we do with some family members, and then just others, you know, you just, it's just. Well, you can't help but be disappointed. Yeah, and, like, I guess my heart hurts, because I want our son, and our daughter, and our children tuh have just so many people who love them, and want tuh be around them, and who will encourage them, and support them, and.
DOUG NOTES THAT HE THINKS FAMILY KNOW ALL OF THIS AND THAT THEY, THE KIDS KNOW HOW MUCH LOVE THEY HAVE FOR THEM, AND ALL THE EFFORTS THEY PUT FORTH, AND HERE HE SAYS, "Especially you," AND THAT ALL OF THIS IS WHAT MATTERS MOST.
JAMIE'S REBUTTAL: Yeah, I know, but Doug, what I'm trying tuh say is that, like, what I would want for them is them tuh have many people who love them, and, like, you know, like, I always wanted, you know, it's not even a secret, like, way back, I'm married at first, like, the one thing I wanted was tuh marry into a family, like, a big loving family that would welcome me as their own, and, and I'm really thankful for your family, and, yeah, but, like, I just feel like, like, I want that for our kids. Like, I wanted them tuh have people who loved them, who wanted tuh come around them.
Like, my, my siblings and I really didn't have many aunts or uncles or grandparents who, I mean, you know, it's kind of, it's so long, because, like, there are some people who were there, but it was, like, toxic, and aye, aye, aye, it's just, you know, it's just, at the end of the day, I'm pregnant, and it's just hormones, and I know our kids feel nothing but loved, but it's just really evident, like, on a birthday or holidays, like, people who, who actually, like, family who actually truly cares for us, and, like, all I've ever wanted was just our, like, I, I don't know why I care about these people caring about me, when, like, they don't care, and it's okay, and that's, that's, it's okay.
Like, it, I'm trying so hard tuh just be, like, accept it, girl. Like, you know, you can't force family tuh love you.
JAMIE TRIES TO DIFFUSE THE TIMEBOMB SITUATION THAT IS HIS WIFE, CLEARLY GOING OFF ON EVERYBODY BY SAYING HE KNOWS THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT THIS FOR THEM BUT THAT THEY, THE KIDS, DON'T EVEN NOW ABOUT ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW.
JAMIE'S REBUTTAL: Well, I know they don't, and so, at the end of the day, I was, like, sitting in bed crying earlier, and I was, like, what is wrong with me, because I know my son had a great birthday yesterday. Like, I made sure of it.
DOUG NOTES SHE "KILLED IT, YESTERDAY."
JAMIE BLASTS ON: At the end of the day, I think, like, it's a personal thing, because it's, like, they don't care about me, and therefore, they don't care about my son, and that hurts, you know? Like, it's just hurtful, and not, because I care about them, and I love them, and I've tried so hard tuh be part of them, and, and try to, like, I've tried changing my ways. I've tried tuh adapt tuh be more like them.
I've tried all these different things. At the end of the day, nothing I do, like, I may as well just be myself, and, and, because if I have tried tuh be like them, they don't like me. If I try tuh be myself, they don't like me.
Like, no matter what, like, I don't feel like, I feel like they're, I'm just kind of judged by them in the way that I live my life, and anyways, it's fine, but.
DOUG COUNTERS IT WITH THE FACT THAT JAMIE GOES "ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR EVERYBODY," AND THAT IT'S TOUGH THAT SHE "WANTS OR EXPECTS THAT IN RETURN," BUT NOTES THAT THIS IS ALSO MAYBE WHERE THE "BOUNDARIES" LIE … cool, they now have a title for the podcast!
JAMIE CONTINUES tuh BLAST: Well, no, of course, and this is exactly why I'm also crying happy tears, because for so long, I just really tried tuh nurture, like, a true, like, true family, and deep connection, and like, try tuh be, like, really close, and, and it's like, well, if you're the only person nurturing that, you're bound tuh get hurt. It's bound, it's not going tuh happen ever, because it has tuh be a two-way street, and so, unfortunately, like, I started putting up boundaries, and I knew it was going tuh hurt, and like, here it is. It's, it's hurting, you know, like, and then inevitably, they'll be like, you know, you moved tuh Florida, but even when we didn't live in Florida, let's be honest, like, we didn't see family very often, unless, like, it was, it just, unless it was us going places, and then even when we moved here, I would fly up there.
I flew up, we were flying up there, like, once a month. It was so expensive. It was so taxing, but I just wanted to, tuh kind of prove, hey, listen, like, but, you know, I'm so glad we moved here, because at the end of the day, you know, even if we never even find our own people, like, our focus is on our core family, like, we had zero distractions for Son yesterday, like, his birthday was the hundred, like, and it's just, that feels good, because normally, we wouldn't have that. Yeah, normally, I would be cleaning the house, trying tuh prep for people tuh come over, who I would have called 10 times, make sure they remember that he's coming, and it's like, or that his birthday is coming, and it's like, it's just, you know, this is such a vulnerable, I don't even know if I want tuh share any of this, because it's just so personal, but.
DOUG NOTES THAT ALL REFLECTS MORE ABOUT OTHERS AND NOT AN ATTACK ON JAMIE.
AND YET JAMIE CONTINUES TO DEFLECT AND ATTACK: No, I don't think it is either, but it's just very evident where people, like, if people care about us and our family, I don't think they actually, that's the thing, is they don't, like, and so, they're not thinking about it one way or the other, it doesn't even matter tuh them, and that's what hurts, because I wish that they cared about us the way that we cared about them, but they don't, and so, that's why I'm trying tuh have the boundaries tuh be like, find people who will care about you then, or just focus on your own family, and if people wonder why I want so many kids, well, there you go. People constantly say, why don't you love the two you have?
Oh, of course I do, and I'll tell you what, I want tuh have 10 more, because I want tuh raise them in a way where we love each other, we're always there for each other, we don't forget. It's just silly little milestones, it's not about presents, it's not about anything other than just love, and remembrance, and just, like, celebrating each other, and I am going tuh raise my kids tuh just really love each other, and tuh know that their parents love them, but God forbid, one of us are taken, and then, then it's like, I think about things like that, and I'm like, who do they have if they don't have us? Like, seriously, and that scares the crap out of me, because there are very few people who even remember, like, and tuh me, it's just a birthday, I know, it doesn't really matter, but like, that's of significance tuh that child, and people just don't care, like, they just, our fam, so many of our family members just don't care. Well, we make, we make it, and then I'm like, am I making a mountain out of a molehill, but like, and am I?
DOUG ALSO THINKS ABOUT THEM "DEPARTING EARLY" AND WHAT HAPPENS tuh THEM.
JAMIE BUSTS BACK IN, AND STARTS tuh TALK ABOUT "ESTATE PLANNING," WHICH SORT OF MADE ME SIDEYE BECAUSE SHE GOES ON tuh TALK ABOUT THE KIDS AND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM, AS IF THEY WERE PART OF THE "ESTATE," BUT I GUESS SINCE THEY ARE THE MONEYMAKERS SHE THINKS OF IT MORE IN THAT WAY THAN GUARDIANSHIP PAPERWORK … AND SO SHE CONTINUES: Well, when you think about estate planning, and then who you're leaving your kids to, and I'm like, who can I leave my kids to, who are really going tuh love them, and the people right now didn't even call tuh wish him happy birthday, they didn't even call tuh wish him a happy birthday, they didn't send a gift, and it's not even about the gift, but it's about the thought, who do we have in our life, Doug? I don't think it's, you know, I ask if I think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but then I, like, I almost, like, talk, like, convince myself that, no, I'm not, like, I'm really trying tuh make sure that our kids are taken, like, loved and taken care of, and sure, we've got it out, down pat, but what happens, like, then what?
And like, I'm not gonna go down that rabbit hole, and I'm sure this is all pregnancy hormones, and I'm just exhausted and tired, so, but I just think about these things, and then, and then people wonder why I am so thankful for our followers, for those of you listening tuh the podcast, and those of you who follow us on Instagram and YouTube, and who are just excited for us, because a lot of our own family members aren't, like, it's just wild, and so, yeah, and so thank you for those of you listening, and for those of you who comment, and just, you know, just are excited to, like, like, tuh be part of our family, like, because we have forever been looking for that, and, like, our family's just not that interested, and we could try, and try, and try.
DOUG: Out of sight, out of mind.
JAMIE BINGOS!!!!! THAT THOUGHT AND CONTINUES: Yeah, it's, and it's fine, but I'll tell you what, I genuinely do appreciate every single five-star review, every single, like, nudge that you just, every single moment that you take out of your life just tuh be like, hey, what's up with Jamie, you know, and that's why I try tuh do giveaways, and I try to, you know, like, read your five-star reviews, and I try tuh show you that I genuinely care about you, too, because I really think that it is a two-way street with everything in life, like, so whether it's, you know, family, it's friends, it's working, it's, we're colleagues, like, if someone is showing you a lot of, you know, any support, or encouragement, or care, like, then that's the person that you should then go show love, support, and encouragement, and care to, whether they're family or not, and unfortunately, if family doesn't seem tuh show you that, well, then you do have tuh set up boundaries, and it hurts, like, h-e-l-l, because then you'll start to, when you stop reaching out as much, well, then you'll start seeing that your relationship becomes even more distant, but you can't constantly break your back tuh try tuh make relationships.
DOUG NOTES THAT THEY EITHER STEP UP OR DON'T, AND THAT’S WHERE IT LANDS.
JAMIE CONTINUES: Yeah, but from what, from my experience, from what we've experienced, you know, no one really steps up, and it's pretty evident when you start, when you realize you have tuh make a boundary with a person, like, just know in your heart that it's gonna hurt, like, you know, and I'm sure that we're, I'm not the only person going through this, and that's, I think, why it's important tuh share, is that, you know, because it's hard tuh share these things.
It's embarrassing. It's, I feel, it's almost, like, belittling. It's like, like, you know, it's like you're, you're sharing that you're rejected, essentially.
Who wants tuh share that? Like, who wants tuh admit that? But the truth is, is that we all have been there, and so I think that the biggest way tuh heal, and what I've learned is, of course, tuh find, to, like, lean in on the people who don't, like, desert you, betray you, talk behind your back.
I mean, that's the thing, is people who also, who are there, but they're really, like, kind of a snake in disguise, and, like, it's, like, like, they, it seems like they're there for you, but then behind, but you're walking on eggshells around them, because you know that they're saying things behind your back, and that's not, that's not healthy either, and so what I've really tried tuh do is really just focus on people that have really just been loving and nurturing, and the more people are loving and nurturing tuh me, whether they're family or not, the more I will lead, like, reach into them, and...
DOUG BUSTS IN TO TAKE A "QUICK PAUSE" FOR AN AD, IRONICALLY ABOUT INVESTING AND GOOD FINANCIAL HYGEINE.
JAMIE GETS RIGHT BACK TO IT: Of course, holidays and birthdays are tough because like you want like my mom like I mean forget it but like I love her and she's doing the best she can but like you know it's like I don't know I guess it's because I'm pregnant and then like when you become a mom and you just think about this relationship and it's like I just have always wanted that relationship with my mom and of course I know real like logically it's not gonna happen but anyways it's um it's just hard but anyways what I was trying tuh say tuh you though listening is like if you're going through this type of situation like just know that you're doing the right thing by kind of putting the boundaries up and then kind of you know you got tuh focus on gratitude more than anything else and so I consistently try tuh remind myself tuh be thankful that I am alive I'm able tuh be there for my kids my son has no idea who remembered and who forgot his birthday but of course he knows who he talked tuh but like you know I, I know that he had the most spectacular day yesterday and I made darn well sure of it and it literally cost me like zero dollars tuh it's not like it has tuh be expensive it wasn't extravagant we went tuh the library which is free and then we went tuh a free splash pad that's in our city and slash playground yeah, yeah and he had a great time so it's like people it's because the other thing people say well if you can afford tuh give them that it's like it doesn't you can find ways tuh live tuh like really bless your family and your kids without having tuh spend boatloads of money um but the biggest message and takeaway of this all and I guess of like I we never planned on sharing any of this we were planning on sharing about mother's day and
DOUG DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT tuh SAY, BUT SHE NEEDS tuh KNOW HOW PROUD HE IS OF HER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH …
SHE THANKS HIM QUICKLY AND THEN GETS ON WITH HIS always getting by my side and like when I'm thankful for you when I started you know going tuh therapy and, and I mean forever ago I'm telling you forever ago when we were first married and I first started going tuh a therapist outside of married at first sight she told me she looked me in the eyes and she said Jamie like they might be family but they're not your people and you gotta go find your people and I didn't want tuh believe her I didn't want I literally just said you know thanks but no thanks essentially and I'm gonna try my best tuh turn this family into mine because I want this connection and I want this and I wish I could have saved myself all those years by just listening tuh her and you know finding my own people who, who do love and support me for who I am who I don't have tuh like I can just don't have tuh walk on eggshells I don't have tuh try tuh be anybody else I can just be myself and they'll see like the good in that and they'll like it you know and, and not everyone's for everyone and that's okay and I just try tuh remind myself that but anyways um yeah you've always stood by my side so thank you I see you I'll always be by your side I just like sometimes doubt like if like you know like, like, like what have I done like am I a bad person like did I like what have I done this has nothing
DOUG NOTES THAT THEY'D FIND PEOPLE "DOWN HERE" IN FLORIDA, AND THAT THEY BOTH KNEW IT WOULD NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT, THAT REALLY MEANINGFUL BONDS TAKE TIME, BUT THEY ARE IN THE BEST POSSIBLE POSITION TO BUILD A COMMUNITY AND MAKE STRONG FRIENDS THEY CONSIDER TO BE FAMILY, AMAZING PEOPLE, AND THERE ARE KIDS TOO, AND THEY CAN WATCH EVERYONE GROW UP TOGETHER … AND HE THINKS, "That's kind of the point of, of moving tuh Florida find community find our people and also find out you know who would be there with us and for us and …"
JAMIE BLASTS BACK: It has nothing tuh do with you or who you are well the truth is, is obviously it does because these people don't enjoy being around me so then therefore they don't enjoy remembering our kids and or me whatever I guess I think I'm just really hormonal and emotional but I guess I just feel incredibly rejected and like I've done something wrong but I also know at the same exact breath that this has been happening for years and years and years where I've really
DOUG NOTES JAMIE HAS "TRIED SO HARD" AND THAT IT'S NOTHING THAT SHE DID.
JAMIE BLATHERS BACK THAT IT'S NOT REALLY THAT THEY'VE DONE ANYTHING WRONG, BUT … we just don't jive and I guess you know we have different we're different people and we can't force it yeah and so there's very little control that we have over it other than us being us yeah and so but you know but I guess this is like the healing part that everyone talks about with boundaries that's so painful like it's so painful because when you want something so bad and like I think it's like wired in me because it's family and like I really want tuh support family and love family and be there for them and but then it's like but it's just not there in return and you could just spend your whole life searching for it and or you could kind of put up a boundary and, and stop allowing that tuh continue tuh hurt you and find people who are genuinely happy tuh be around you and so needless tuh say for those of you listening if - if you're in this boat with someone whether it's parents siblings aunts uncles cousins I don't know or even long-time friends who you think are quote-unquote friends but you know things change or who knows I mean it's so darn hurtful but I really believe at the end of the day that I mean I was I spent years and years and years trying my darnedest and now I'm like if I, If I could give like an inkling of that effort tuh someone who gives an inkling of the effort back tuh me like the just the joy and happiness that could come from that or just like the stability and also like I did try changing myself tuh kind of be more like them tuh have more in common with them and it just I can tell you right now if you're trying tuh do that that's not gonna work either like it's hard unfortunately you just gotta be yourself in this world you gotta love with your whole heart and, and be selfless you know you can't expect people tuh just care about you if you don't care about them of course you gotta show up for people you gotta really like put yourself out there for them but if you consistently do that and you're not getting any of it in return you gotta change your path and it's the hardest thing in the world tuh do but you know tuh be very, very honest like going tuh bed with Doug last night after Son's birthday and like just everything that went down and whatnot I was just like and this is why we live in Florida this is why we moved here because this this served our core family more so than trying tuh fit a round peg into a square everyone else's schedule and everybody else's lives it's just you know and it's and I'm incredibly thankful tuh your sister and tuh your mom and your dad of course because they did reach out and that's just really, really kind like they called and they just show that they really care and that really means the whole wide world tuh me and like regardless of what they think of me like they love our kids and that's really all that
DOUG NOTES WHAT MATTERS IS-AND MAYBE THEY NEED TO BELIEVE IN SOME KIND OF "HIGHER PURPOSE," BUT HE DOESN'T CONSIDER IT ALL "WASTED TIME OR ENERGY," AND THAT IT MAYBE HAPPENED THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN AND FOR JAMIE TO GIVE …
AND SHE CUTS HIM OFF TO SAY THAT THIS MESSAGE CAN help others. I've really kind of like avoided being this vulnerable lately because I feel like there are some people who just really don't like me and it's been brought tuh my attention and just no matter what I do they really don't like me and I guess like everybody has quote-unquote haters but it hurts my heart a little bit and I don't know but, but the truth is, is like just like I said before what I learned in this the certain boundaries that I've talked about before is that you really can't change who you are in the hopes that people will start tuh approve of you because they're never like the people who just choose that they don't like you and they just choose tuh find your faults will always like they will always see your faults and they will always yeah there's no convincing them otherwise and that's and if you're listening tuh this like this is the truth for all of us is that when you're looking for the good in life you're gonna find the good and you can focus on that and try tuh get like more of that and garner more of that but if you're focused on the negative whether it's in life or with your spouse or with a friend or at the workplace you're gonna find that and so if so sometimes if you've you know if you see that you're consistently feeling like you have quote-unquote bad luck or that this person's being wrong tuh you or they're not caring about you will try tuh think about the good that they do and, and, and so truly like for me with these whole boundary things like I've tried just I tried tuh kind of I've already tried that with some of these family members that just don't seem tuh care and um and, and so that's and then that's when the hurt comes is you know when you realize oh yeah you're actually all right and you are onto something and for whatever reason their life isn't aligning with yours and it's and that's okay but it doesn't mean it's not gonna hurt a little bit for the person who like wants it tuh be there but that's when you go out and find someone who wants tuh align their life with you or maybe their life already aligns and they just and you can serve each other you can love each other you can be there for each other and whether it's blood related or not like that will serve you better in life and so that's kind of where I think Doug and I are right now um but also for, for you listening if, if you're just finding yourself in this situation too just try tuh make sure you're not just trying tuh find the fault in someone because you don't want tuh get caught in that rabbit hole and there are people out there who just want tuh find the negative and then there are people out there who cut that down like don't allow that tuh happen tuh yourself because you will be miserable your whole life hating on someone else and just constantly finding their faults and constantly complaining about them is never going tuh bring you true happiness it really isn't and so think about you know yourself and like what you can do differently and try tuh bring the positive and so yeah I haven't been as vulnerable lately because it's been hard tuh be very honest tuh just share like my heart and then people are just going tuh attack me for it you know I'm sure but um but my goal in sharing this if we end up sharing this is that it helps the one person out there or I'm sure several really who are in the same exact boat who are you know trying tuh keep a friend that they've had forever but that friend's just not there or trying tuh maintain a relationship with one of your parents or your siblings or it shouldn't be hard it shouldn't be and you shouldn't have tuh change who you are and if you do then that's really just not the right person for you and, and you can talk tuh them about it of course and then if they're just combative, at the end of the day, I just say the best advice is find a therapist, and this book called Boundaries, and it's a little religious, and also a little kind of like, whoa, but I'm telling you, Chapter One, just give it – if you don’t' like it after that, don't even try, but like Chapter One, I was like, wow, I can see so much of myself in this, and I can see how could change, and I've got tuh promise you that it's been hurt along the way, but I have – we have, and our family has more positive days now than stressful, trying tuh like pull people in who don't really want tuh be there, trying tuh help them remember because they're gonna forget, like it's just – like yesterday was like the least stressful day ever, and we didn't have one person coming tuh our – or even Mother's Day, it was just us four, and you know, before I had kids, and I think – I saw someone else write this, but like before I had kids, I looked at the world as like everyone I encountered, and how can I be helpful tuh them, and that – like, but now it's like my world is my husband and my children. My world is within my four walls, and how do I love them and support them the best that I possible can, tuh help them become good – eventually like good husbands, a good wife, good mothers, good fathers, and good, good family members, and so …
DOUG IS SO PROUD OF HER AND THINKS SHE SHOULD ALSO BE PROUD OF HERSELF BECAUSE OF "HOW MUCH YOU HAVE GROWN FROM PEOPLE STARTING TO COMMENT ON SOCIAL MEDIA, AND YOU TRYING TO BRING THEM BACK OVER TO YOUR SIDE TO RECOGNIZING THE TOXICITY OF IT, AND SETTING BOUNDARIES." HE HAS TO TELL HER THAT IN THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS, SHE HAS "SPREAD MORE POSITIVITY, IN MY MIND, THAN ANYBODY, FOCUSING ON BEING THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL," AND A MESSAGE SHE IS PASSING ONTO THE KIDS WHO ARE REALLY STARTING tuh THINK ABOUT IT AND FOCUS ON IT, AND IT'S "DRIVEN BY YOU."
MORE RASPY WHINY TEARY VOICE: Oh, Gosh, Doug's that's the nicest comment that I could have ever received because I really want that for them … yeah, because I – because we could all fall into that where you see the negative and you just kind of focus on that, and I'm trying so hard not to, and tuh just – you know, pray more, and even meditate, and that has nothing tuh do with prayer, but like just rewire my brain tuh like the positive things and finding the positive and helping others, also because – honestly, and I want tuh raise my kid where they are not seeing the negative, they're seeing the positive in situations because life, regardless of who loves you, how much money you have, what home you live in, what car you drive, life is so much better when you're able tuh see the positive and you're able to, like lean into that more, and you're able tuh then attract people who are like that, and the Negative Nellies are just going tuh always be there talking their smack about you, and that's fine, but like, if you can find the positive, you can focus on that, and you're going tuh have such a happier life, and the Negative Nellies, unfortunately, like I still pray for them, I still hope for them, because it's sad – like they're not living a happy life. You can't be a hater tuh all these people and be happy. It's sad.
DOUG THINKS THEY ARE "living proof of it, because once we started tuh focus on happy, once we started focusing on being thankful and grateful, the people that we attracted are the people that we would want tuh be with … didn't happen overnight, but as soon as we started tuh rethink that, and really try tuh be positive and do positive things, and our prayers and with the kids and being thankful and finding good, and gratitude, you know, we attracted people into our lives that, you know, are going tuh be there – I mean, I feel these are now lifelong friends, and you know, all of that was attracted, and there has got tuh be something tuh that."
THE END, THEY MUST GO PICK UP THEIR DAUGHTER BUT ONLY AFTER THE FIVE-STAR REVIEW AND THEN "SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!"
DELUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSIONAL – THE BOTH OF THEM! And according to the AI program Jamie talks more than 90 percent of the time, and Dud, hardly ever.

For context, I've been on Lexapro (10 mg) since 2013, and was diagnosed with depression & GAD at that time. The first year or so I felt like it was helping me, but after 3 years I upped the dose to 20mg which didn't really help with symptoms, so I went back down to 10mg and tried to quit Lexapro twice without success due to horrible withdrawals (brain zaps, feeling dizzy and unable to concentrate).
I was also a daily Marijuana smoker from 2018 to 2023, but quit completely this year in January. I started tapering the Lexapro from that point, taking 10mg and 5mg every other day, then taking 5mg every day (current) and I'm going to follow that with 5mg every other day for at least 2 weeks if not a month. This is the first time I've had no brain zaps trying to quit Lexapro, which was very encouraging!
This week I started an OCD assessment with my therapist and then got a script for Anafranil from my psychiatrist, taking 25mg for a week then 50mg from then on. I'm still weaning off the Lexapro, and was warned by a pharmacist to avoid taking both at the same time because doing so could induce serotonin syndrome.
TLDR: For now I want to ask if anyone has experience switching from these specific drugs, and any experience with swapping from an SSRI to Anafranil in general. Also if anyone has experience taking both/tapering, for now I think I'm going to completely taper Lexapro then start Anafranil without taking them around the same time just to be safe. Thanks for reading, and for any advice!
EDIT: I am also on 250mg of lamotrigine and like that so I'm definitely staying on it, forgot to mention it. also taking 80mg of propranolol but I might drop that bc I don't find it helps much of anything (started taking it for hand tremors/not mental health related)

Hi everyone 👋
I welcome insight, considerations, stories, etc. in reaching decisions about long term anti-coagulation or going off thinners. What’s your story? What did you consider when making a decision?
I (30sF) had a saddle pulmonary embolism with heart strain last summer. I was 7 weeks pregnant, on oral estrogen and IM progesterone (IVF pregnancy), and apparently have Factor V Leiden - heterozygous. I was hemodynamically stable, so just heparin and a few days in the ICU then discharged.
Excellent follow ups, no evidence of long term damage, no symptoms. I’ve been on Lovenox since the PE. I am at a crossroads of continuing anticoagulants or stopping.
The clot was considered provoked because I was pregnant, taking estrogen, and have FVL. My hematologist noted that the American Society of Hematology recently updated guidelines for those who have had a provoked clot in pregnancy and FVL to remain on long term anti-coagulation; this is not indicated for those who have a provoked clot/no FVL. Hematologist stated that, historically, he would not counsel someone like me to go on long term anticoagulants but given the guidelines change, he would support me either way. He stated research indicates a 10% 10-year risk of re-clotting (if off of anticoagulants) OR a 10% 10-year risk of a major bleeding event (if on anticoagulants). The implication of both is unpleasant to think about, needless to say. Except one pulmonologist, no other providers have felt I must stay on anticoagulants, although all them were freaked by the severity of the clot (I suspect I had PE symptoms I ignored that escalated and finally got me to the ER, so the clot may not have been so severe initially).
Extra detail that may be relevant - my baby had a hemorrhage and clot in the cord - TBD if this opens up further testing for me as the mother; baby will have a hematology work up in the future.
I am in therapy processing this and meet again with hematology soon. I welcome any considerations from this lovely community.
TLDR: provoked saddle PE in pregnancy while on estrogen, have FVL; have to decide whether to stay on anticoagulants indefinitely or go off. I feel stuck.

Why
I relied on my mom as a kid. I always thought I could trust her, but she had unaddressed mental health issues that caused her a lot of pain. She didn't seem interested in getting help and instead turned to drugs and unhealthy relationships. When my sister and I were born, she isolated us from others. My mom hid her inner struggles and pretended to be perfect, but I knew deep down there were cracks in her facade.
I noticed people in my life trying to help my sister and me. However, any efforts were ultimately rejected or twisted by my mom. As her early-onset dementia progressed, her mask began to slip. Her unaddressed desires took control, manifesting as manic episodes. When my sister left to get married at 25, I was alone. It was a difficult decision, but understandable. Over the next four years, my mom's mental state deteriorated significantly. Her manic episodes became severe, escalating from yelling and screaming to pushing and even physical attacks.
One day, I reached my breaking point. I confided in my counselor, and CPS became involved. My mom, with her deteriorating mental state, saw it as a betrayal. In her mind, anyone who wasn't with her was against her. I became the enemy for exposing the truth. To silence me, she locked me in a hotel room for a week with no food or way out. The fear and confusion were overwhelming during those seven days.
The question haunted me: "Why is she doing this to me?" After seven days of fear and confusion in the hotel, I was finally released. But the nightmare wasn't over. My mom fabricated a story that I was suicidal and had me committed to a hospital, supposedly to disprove any accusations I might make. For four grueling months, I was shuttled in and out of these facilities. Thankfully, my sanity prevailed – they couldn't keep me there. However, my mom's twisted narrative persisted. Every time I tried to prove my side of the story, it felt like a losing battle.
Despite being innocent of the accusations, I held onto the hope of forgiveness and reconciliation. After all, she was my mom, and I had no other family. But her actions only worsened. The lies became more elaborate and malicious, all attempts to deflect blame for her own mistakes. Deep down, I yearned for a functional relationship, but her manipulative behavior reached a new low. This latest betrayal made me question my very existence. It was a horrible realization: the person I was trying to connect with was determined to paint me as the villain.
The situation escalated to the point where I found myself homeless for two weeks in the cold. Wracked with confusion, I kept asking myself, "Why? Why me?" Despite my efforts to do the right thing, everything felt broken. Eventually, I returned home, desperate for any semblance of maternal connection. My mom's sudden shift to a seemingly caring demeanor felt fake, but I clung to it, yearning for the bond I never had. Yet, the dysfunction persisted. On December 31st, 2023, she brought home a dying Chihuahua for Christmas. Despite being forbidden from interacting with the dog, I ended up cleaning and taking care of it all night. It was a bizarre situation – she was neglecting a dying animal while briefly showing me a kindness that felt hollow. This incident, two days after a birthday with no acknowledgment, was the final straw. When she asked if I wanted anything, I simply requested cake. Her response, "You don't deserve a cake...you keep contacting CPS," confirmed my suspicions. Disillusioned and frustrated, I retreated to my room to regain composure.
Terror surged through me as I heard her screams erupt like thunder. My heart pounded in my chest. Recognizing the signs of another manic episode, I retreated to my room, fearing another attack. She bellowed for my phone, but I clutched it tightly, my only lifeline if things escalated. The yelling intensified into a terrifying storm. With a sickening crash, she barreled into my door, shattering the already weakened frame – a physical manifestation of our fractured relationship. Screws littered the floor as she loomed closer, threats spewing from her lips. Her intent was clear: to take my phone and silence me.
: Exhausted from enduring abuse, I refused to relinquish my phone. When she lunged, attempting a bite on my shoulder, I stood firm. No more questions, just the will to take control. Frustrated, she retreated. The assault left me shaken, but resolute. With no lock due to prior incidents, I braced myself against the broken door. Ten agonizing minutes crawled by as she relentlessly pushed against it, the screws groaning in protest. Finally, the weakened frame gave way, snapping against her leg. A torrent of screams and curses erupted from the other side.
She descended into further chaos, hurling insults and comparing me to my dad, the source of our family's pain. But I was done. Looking her in the eye, I said, "I'm sorry you're hurting, you hurt yourself You hurt me. I don't feel safe, and I need to leave." With that, I grabbed my belongings and fled. Reaching my sister, I explained the situation and tearfully said goodbye to friends, fearing my mom's manipulations. My sister urged me to call the police, but I worried about their response to a mental health crisis. Determined to get help, I decided to call my best friend, possibly for the last time. I recounted the ordeal, expressing my gratitude for his friendship despite past mistakes.
Sirens wailed in the distance, then abruptly stopped. Officers emerged and questioned me. Reliving the night's events, I desperately hoped for help. However, to my utter confusion, they asked me to put down my belongings and handcuffed me. My rights were recited again, but betrayal and confusion clouded my understanding. Weren't they there to help? Instead, I found myself committed to another hospital for a month, forced to spend a lonely New Year's Day within its sterile walls.
Fueled by a burning desire to prove my innocence, I tirelessly pleaded my case. It felt surreal – I, the victim, was treated with suspicion. The worst part? The complete lack of control. Yet, I fought for what was right. The haunting question, "Why?" echoed in my head. Finally, my sister intervened, offering a safe haven. But my mom, consumed by her animosity, refused. Despite the fear, returning home seemed like the only option. It was a return to a broken reality – the same issues, different day. My resolve to escape solidified. I focused on getting emancipated, a job, anything that granted me independence. This defiance enraged her; she craved control, but I was done. The following two weeks were a tense stand-off...
My mom's manipulative tactics escalated. She made false police reports and withheld essential documents like my Social Security card to control me. Even simple requests for my Chromebook charger for schoolwork turned into arguments. Finally, during one episode, she stole the charger and called the police with fabricated stories. This time, the officer recognized her erratic behavior and my truthful testimony. I spent a brief stay in the hospital where they finally believed me. Released into my mom's care, I braced for another fight. Shockingly, she drove me to a police station, claiming I attacked her. But with the officer and my sister on speakerphone, the truth prevailed. They recognized her deteriorating mental state. The agonizing car ride became a desperate plea – why was she hurting herself and our family? Exhausted but resolute, I ended up at a friend's house for the night, then entered foster care the next day. Finding a welcoming home felt like a cruel twist of fate. Witnessing a healthy family dynamic at the ice rink only amplified my pain. My sister's husband arrived, offering a lifeline – a chance to escape the cycle of abuse. The decision was mine: get in the car or stay. As I walked to my friend's house, a healthy family dinner unfolded before me, a stark contrast to my reality. Finally, I confided in them about my situation. With their support and a secret code from my sister, I embarked on a daring escape. Two long, desert hours under the stars, navigating unfamiliar territory, led me to the school – my only beacon of hope. Exhausted and cold, I stumbled upon my brother-in-law, car just as he was about to leave. His familiar voice offered escape – "Get in if you want to change your life." With trembling hands, I climbed in, ready to embrace a new beginning
Reiners response
Despite enduring unimaginable abuse, I never relinquished hope. The kindness of strangers became my lifeline, reminding me that humanity persists even in the darkest of times. Through every hardship, I held onto the belief that doing the right thing matters. This journey has been a testament to the power of letting go, even when it means letting go of family. It's a painful truth, but sometimes letting go is the bravest and healthiest choice we can make to move forward. Witnessing firsthand the destructive power of abuse, trauma, and mental illness, I came to a difficult realization. As much as I hated her actions, I knew they stemmed from her illness. Hate breeds only hate, and I refused to become the monster she was battling within. The past can't define you. It's a heavy weight, but you don't have to carry it forever. All you can do is keep moving forward, one step at a time. Be the person you want to be, the person others see the potential in you to be. The future holds possibilities you can't even imagine yet. Embrace the journey, and never lose sight of the strength and hope you've discovered within yourself.

There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the state’s capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
“What’s the deal with the new guy?” I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
“He’s trouble, man,” he said in a crisp accent. “He got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims he’s been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and that’s why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I don’t know, I didn’t listen to the whole story.”
“You have his file?” I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
“Jeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
“History: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
“Psychiatrist’s note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
“Patient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poor…”
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
“She’s going to follow you,” he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
“Oh, great!” I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldn’t care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
“Well, I’m Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. It’s good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,” I said, giving her a faint smile.
“That’s exciting!” Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patient’s number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
“OK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan and…” I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardo’s Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldn’t see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
“Stay here,” I commanded, seeing Kaitlyn’s eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. “Don’t leave until I come back and say that it’s safe.” On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
“Doctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,” a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
“You don’t have to do this, man,” Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldn’t see what was happening, as Jeremiah’s large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardo’s back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardo’s body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
“Stay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,” Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
“Let’s talk about this,” I said, taking a step forward slowly. “You don’t want a murder charge, do you? You’ll never see the sky again.”
“I don’t give a fuck! I’m not afraid to die!” Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardo’s body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patients’ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
“You can come out,” a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. “I know you’re there.”
“Who’s there?” I called out, not stepping forward. “Show yourself.”
“As you wish…” the voice hissed. “But I think you’ll regret it.”
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
“Who are you?” I asked, taking a hesitant step back. “Where am I?”
“My name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,” he answered.
“Oh,” I said, my heart dropping. “Well, that’s not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?”
“So they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?” he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. “Of bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
“Indeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
“After the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
“Like Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
“His consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.”
Lucifer’s body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
“And yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything you’ve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but don’t be afraid.”
“How could I not be afraid?!” I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadn’t been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didn’t know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
“The siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,” he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. “Hell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.”
“How can Hell come and go?” I asked, confused. “Isn’t Hell a place?”
“Hell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,” Lucifer responded. “It eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.” He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
“What can I do against such a beast?” I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didn’t want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
“Seek divine wisdom,” he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. “Remember the source.”
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creature’s body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hell’s massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hell’s most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, “JESUS said, ‘I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.’”
Now it read, “Nietzsche said, ‘Of all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.’” I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
“It’s right behind us!” she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. “Run! Get away!”
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The woman’s eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
“Come on, come on!” she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hell’s fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hell’s mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldn’t tell where it was coming from.
“Clear!” one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young woman’s hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
“Again!” another voice yelled.
“Clear!” the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
“It’s OK,” one of the doctors said, kneeling down. “You’re being taken to emergency surgery. You’ve lost a lot of blood.” I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each other’s, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
“Nnnn,” I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. “No…” The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, I’ll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, I’ll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I won’t wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.

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Most Bearish

These stocks and put options are the most directionaly bearish. Directional bias ranges from negative (bearish) to positive (bullish) and accounts for RSI, price trend, moving averages, and put/call skew over the past 6 weeks. Fade the recent bearish action by selling high premium puts or follow the trend with puts with low Put Pricing.

Stock/C/P	% Change	Direction	Put $	Call $	Put Premium	Call Premium	E.R.	Beta	Efficiency
PSX/148/144	-1.49%	-73.37	$0.57	$0.15	1.55	0.83	75.0	0.7	53.6
ITB/113/110	-1.7%	-64.81	$0.45	$0.08	1.66	0.97	N/A	1.32	55.6
XBI/94/91	0.11%	-59.01	$0.4	$0.18	1.89	1.18	N/A	1.08	80.0
NUGT/44/42	-0.67%	-58.15	$0.6	$0.25	1.92	1.21	N/A	1.7	71.7
DAL/54/52	0.11%	-55.54	$0.12	$0.11	1.74	1.12	55	1.14	78.6
VLO/160/155	-1.5%	-49.12	$0.4	$0.26	1.42	0.98	68	0.78	66.3
ABBV/165/160	-0.91%	-48.21	$0.19	$0.18	1.76	1.23	71	0.37	54.8

Most Bullish

These stocks and call options are the most directionally bullish. Directional bias ranges from negative (bearish) to positive (bullish) and accounts for RSI, price trend, moving averages, and put/call skew over the past 6 weeks. It accounts for RSI, trend, moving averages and put/call skew over the past 4 weeks. Fade the recent bullish action by selling high premium calls or follow the trend with calls with low Call Pricing.

Stock/C/P	% Change	Direction	Put $	Call $	Put Premium	Call Premium	E.R.	Beta	Efficiency
OIH/325/320	0.2%	46.32	$0.68	$1.88	0.78	1.43	N/A	0.85	76.9
BITO/28/26	-2.8%	19.67	$0.08	$0.09	1.2	1.65	N/A	1.15	83.0
TGT/165/160	1.93%	18.27	$0.54	$0.38	1.17	1.6	6	0.71	83.3
AMD/162.5/160	0.8%	16.07	$1.0	$1.46	0.99	1.32	75	2.23	97.5
NVDA/960/940	0.29%	15.02	$5.18	$8.0	1.12	1.48	6	2.4	95.7
ANET/330/325	-3.5%	14.77	$1.5	$2.38	0.99	1.31	77	1.77	75.1
MRVL/72/70	0.9%	12.95	$0.3	$0.53	1.23	1.59	14	2.27	84.3

Cheap Calls

These call options offer the lowest ratio of Call Pricing (IV) relative to historical volatility (HV). These options are priced expecting the underlying to move up significantly less than it has moved up in the past. Buy these calls.

Stock/C/P	% Change	Direction	Put $	Call $	Put Premium	Call Premium	E.R.	Beta	Efficiency
SOXS/30/28	5.55%	-12.5	$0.29	$0.19	0.36	0.36	N/A	-5.26	89.5
CELH/93.33/91	-0.4%	-9.56	$0.68	$0.96	0.48	0.49	85	1.86	65.1
DKS/202.5/197.5	0.12%	-17.05	$0.77	$0.95	0.77	0.74	13	1.0	56.4
NET/75/73	0.38%	-18.95	$0.38	$0.28	0.88	0.82	78	2.65	74.0
PSX/148/144	-1.49%	-73.37	$0.57	$0.15	1.55	0.83	75.0	0.7	53.6
EXPE/114/111	-0.05%	-27.88	$0.3	$0.2	0.98	0.84	77	1.2	51.5
PANW/320/312.5	0.7%	-12.5	$1.3	$1.16	0.85	0.85	4	1.44	60.5

Cheap Puts

These put options offer the lowest ratio of Put Pricing (IV) relative to historical volatility (HV). These options are priced expecting the underlying to move down significantly less than it has moved down in the past. Buy these puts.

Stock/C/P	% Change	Direction	Put $	Call $	Put Premium	Call Premium	E.R.	Beta	Efficiency
SOXS/30/28	5.55%	-12.5	$0.29	$0.19	0.36	0.36	N/A	-5.26	89.5
CELH/93.33/91	-0.4%	-9.56	$0.68	$0.96	0.48	0.49	85	1.86	65.1
DKS/202.5/197.5	0.12%	-17.05	$0.77	$0.95	0.77	0.74	13	1.0	56.4
OIH/325/320	0.2%	46.32	$0.68	$1.88	0.78	1.43	N/A	0.85	76.9
PINS/43/42	-0.52%	-4.05	$0.1	$0.15	0.84	0.91	76	1.37	72.4
PANW/320/312.5	0.7%	-12.5	$1.3	$1.16	0.85	0.85	4	1.44	60.5
OKTA/100/98	-0.18%	-7.74	$0.43	$0.5	0.86	0.9	13	1.61	72.9

Expensive Puts

These put options offer the highest ratio of bearish premium paid (IV) relative to historical volatility (HV). These options are priced expecting the underlying to move down significantly more than it has moved down in the past. Sell these puts.

Stock/C/P	% Change	Direction	Put $	Call $	Put Premium	Call Premium	E.R.	Beta	Efficiency
TTWO/149/145	0.6%	-14.83	$4.35	$4.3	6.3	6.16	0.5	1.0	86.1
AMAT/220/215	0.34%	-4.03	$4.15	$4.22	3.28	3.57	0.5	1.61	94.6
CSCO/50/48	0.86%	-32.91	$0.23	$0.09	2.9	2.36	92	0.72	80.2
WMT/65/63	0.0%	-39.66	$0.25	$0.12	2.49	1.9	0.5	0.51	88.0
DE/410/400	0.16%	-23.74	$2.08	$1.55	2.17	1.94	0.5	0.82	56.4
ADSK/222.5/217.5	-0.13%	-34.32	$1.7	$1.23	2.04	1.64	5	1.48	75.1
JD/34/32	2.61%	6.22	$0.26	$0.36	1.98	2.39	0.5	0.69	63.1

Expensive Calls

These call options offer the highest ratio of bullish premium paid (IV) relative to historical volatility (HV). These options are priced expecting the underlying to move up significantly more than it has moved up in the past. Sell these calls.

Stock/C/P	% Change	Direction	Put $	Call $	Put Premium	Call Premium	E.R.	Beta	Efficiency
TTWO/149/145	0.6%	-14.83	$4.35	$4.3	6.3	6.16	0.5	1.0	86.1
AMAT/220/215	0.34%	-4.03	$4.15	$4.22	3.28	3.57	0.5	1.61	94.6
JD/34/32	2.61%	6.22	$0.26	$0.36	1.98	2.39	0.5	0.69	63.1
CSCO/50/48	0.86%	-32.91	$0.23	$0.09	2.9	2.36	92	0.72	80.2
SLV/28/26	-2.03%	7.5	$0.02	$0.04	1.64	2.0	N/A	0.53	65.7
DE/410/400	0.16%	-23.74	$2.08	$1.55	2.17	1.94	0.5	0.82	56.4
WMT/65/63	0.0%	-39.66	$0.25	$0.12	2.49	1.9	0.5	0.51	88.0

Highest Premium

These options offer the highest ratio of implied volatility (IV) relative to historical volatility (HV). These options are priced to move significantly more than they have moved in the past. Sell iron condors on these as they may be over priced.

Stock/C/P	% Change	Direction	Put $	Call $	Put Premium	Call Premium	E.R.	Beta	Efficiency
TTWO/149/145	0.6%	-14.83	$4.35	$4.3	6.3	6.16	0.5	1.0	86.1
AMAT/220/215	0.34%	-4.03	$4.15	$4.22	3.28	3.57	0.5	1.61	94.6
CSCO/50/48	0.86%	-32.91	$0.23	$0.09	2.9	2.36	92	0.72	80.2
WMT/65/63	0.0%	-39.66	$0.25	$0.12	2.49	1.9	0.5	0.51	88.0
JD/34/32	2.61%	6.22	$0.26	$0.36	1.98	2.39	0.5	0.69	63.1
DE/410/400	0.16%	-23.74	$2.08	$1.55	2.17	1.94	0.5	0.82	56.4
ADSK/222.5/217.5	-0.13%	-34.32	$1.7	$1.23	2.04	1.64	5	1.48	75.1

Most Efficient

These stocks have the best liquidity in ATM options. This means that they offer the least slippage, tightest spreads and the cheapest cost of a round trip trade. Best for short term trades.

Stock/C/P	% Change	Direction	Put $	Call $	Put Premium	Call Premium	E.R.	Beta	Efficiency
AMD/162.5/160	0.8%	16.07	$1.0	$1.46	0.99	1.32	75	2.23	97.5
TSLA/175/170	0.07%	-39.05	$1.15	$0.92	1.26	0.96	64	2.05	97.1
AMZN/190/185	-0.17%	-20.5	$0.68	$0.42	1.45	1.34	71	1.5	96.6
META/480/470	-1.38%	0.49	$1.31	$2.45	0.91	1.04	71	1.76	96.3
QQQ/458/448	-0.05%	-23.61	$0.32	$0.2	1.29	1.15	N/A	1.29	96.0
NVDA/960/940	0.29%	15.02	$5.18	$8.0	1.12	1.48	6	2.4	95.7
TQQQ/65/62	-0.17%	-18.21	$0.22	$0.16	1.21	1.14	N/A	3.83	94.6

Upcoming Earnings

These stocks have earnings comning up and their premiums are usuallly elevated as a result. These are high risk high reward option plays where you can buy (long options) or sell (short options) the expected move.

Stock/C/P	% Change	Direction	Put $	Call $	Put Premium	Call Premium	E.R.	Beta	Efficiency
TTWO/149/145	0.6%	-14.83	$4.35	$4.3	6.3	6.16	0.5	1.0	86.1
AMAT/220/215	0.34%	-4.03	$4.15	$4.22	3.28	3.57	0.5	1.61	94.6
WMT/65/63	0.0%	-39.66	$0.25	$0.12	2.49	1.9	0.5	0.51	88.0
JD/34/32	2.61%	6.22	$0.26	$0.36	1.98	2.39	0.5	0.69	63.1
DE/410/400	0.16%	-23.74	$2.08	$1.55	2.17	1.94	0.5	0.82	56.4
PANW/320/312.5	0.7%	-12.5	$1.3	$1.16	0.85	0.85	4.0	1.44	60.5
ZM/64/62	-0.41%	-20.5	$0.1	$0.22	1.46	1.35	4.0	1.28	72.1

• Historical Move v Implied Move: We determine the historical volatility (log variance of daily gains) of the underlying asset and compare that to the current implied volatitlity (IV) of the option price. This is used to determine the Call or Put Premium associated with the pricing of options (implied volatility).
• Directional Bias: Ranges from negative (bearish) to positive (bullish) and accounts for RSI, price trend, moving averages, and put/call skew over the past 6 weeks.
• Priced Move: given the current option prices, how much in dollar amounts will the underlying have to move to make the call/put break even. This is how much vol the option is pricing in. The expected move.
• Expiration: 2024-05-17.
• Call/Put Premium: How much extra you are paying for the implied move relative to the historic move. Low numbers mean options are "cheaper." High numbers mean options are "expensive."
• Efficiency: This factor represents the bid/ask spreads and the depth of the order book relative to the price of the option. It represents how much traders will pay in slippage with a round trip trade. Lower numbers are less efficient than higher numbers.
• E.R.: Days unitl the next Earnings Release. This feature is still in beta as we work on a more complete list of earnings dates.
• Why isn't my stock on this list? It doesn't have "weeklies", the underlying is "too cheap", or the options markets are too illiquid (open interest) to qualify for this strategy. 480 underlyings are used in this report and only the top results end up passing the criteria for each filter.

Hello all! I have not used reddit since lockdown so please excuse any wonky formatting.
Female SW: 203 CW: 199 GW: 145 Height: 5'3"
I have seen a few posts asking about the efficacy of oral tablets so I figured I would give a review of what the first week has been like for me. I am using the dissolving tablets starting at .5mg and the instructions are to let dissolve then no food or drink for 30 minutes.

day	Nausea	Heartburn	appetite change	Felt normal by dinner	other
1	yes, meclizine helped	no	maybe?	no	exercise bike 45 mins
2	yes, meclizine fixed it	no	no	no	exercise bike 30 mins
3	very mild	yes	i think so	yes
4	no	no	yes	no	yoga 15 mins
5	no	no	yes definitely	yes	treadmill 37 mins
6	no	no	yes	yes	diarrhea
7	no	no	yes	no

This is how I tracked it in my notebook.
Food noise is absolutely reduced. Even by day 1 I could feel a difference after taking it. I take my tablet around 7 am and then drive my teenager to school, so I cannot access food for an hour. Every day so far the hunger I feel in the morning is gone by the time I get home. I have not wanted to stop and grab a fast food/ coffee shop breakfast even once. I do still eat breakfast but it is no longer a driving force of the day.
Cravings: I have never had so few! My sugar cravings were getting out of control prior to this so I was trying to cut down and see if it helped. Since day 1 I have been able to scroll pinterest/ instagram without seeing snacks and immediately thinking "i need that right now or something like it".
I will say something I was not expecting: the tablets turn your teeth and tongue blue. Like BLUE blue.
"Normal by Dinner" refers to the fact that I had a fairly regular appetite back by dinner time.
Appetite suppressant is not quite as strong as when I started Wellbutrin 300 hcl last year for seasonal depression
I have noticed a significant increase in energy and I am not sure if it is these meds or that I am off birth control for the first time in 12 years (sterilized).
Other things I did: about two days before I started taking the meds I started shifting my recipes and meals to a mediterranean/ anti-inflammatory style. I'm not following this to the letter but I was listening to the Daily Dollop Podcats to help myself learn how to make better meals for my family. I cook 5 nights a week, all lunches, and breakfast for the kids and I (husband takes a yogurt to go).
Days 4 and 5 I built one of those big cedarwood swing sets on my own in the backyard, despite this I still ate a much smaller lunch than normal
Day 6 I had one instance of urgency but I think it was from all the physical effort the prior two days. I am prone to that problem if I have a really good workout so I am unsure if it was the medications or that.
All in all I realize I am only one week in but I wanted to share what it has been like so far. The NP did tell me the tablets are only 80-85% as effective as the injection but a box with "refrigerate" on it would absolutely be stolen if I ordered it. As of right now I am not as concerned with lower efficacy because the freedom from food noise is remarkable.

I fucked up so bad today. I’ve been on a horrible binge for the past couple of weeks.. having very short stints of being sober. My boyfriend is getting really disgusted and pissed off with me. I know it’s bad, it’s almost like I know that I’m coming to the end of my drinking career and I need to just milk every miserable second out of it. I’ve spent the past three weeks just consistently drinking, eating junk food and taking coke. I feel and look horrible. I’m 32F and am not considered ugly but right now I honestly look hideous. I’m out of shape, my skin is awful and my whole body is bloated. Today I fucked up really badly. To start, I was due to be in a meeting with my boyfriend about planning for our new business venture. We’ve been working towards this for months.. that’s a lie actually, he has been working towards this for months. Anyway I stayed up until 6am drinking and when he tried to wake me for the meeting at 9.. I wasn’t able to get up. I feel so so ashamed by this. Then for some reason I messaged my boss at work at about 5am, aggressively giving out about an issue I don’t actually care about. I thought I deleted the msg but she replied later today. I’m honestly so sick at the thought of seeing her in person later today. Then after all this shit.. I drove to the shop to get some more shitty food, when a car pulled out in front of me. I felt so overcome with anger that I followed this guy (way too fast) through a residential area.. there’s kids all over the place, I could have easily hit someone. I then had a huge argument with this guy, where he ended up threatening me and said he’ll watch out for my car. Afterwards I decided to call the police and accuse this guy of selling drugs. I feel so so so so fucking ashamed by myself today. I’m naturally a kind and patient person but everything I’ve done today has been the opposite of that. I’ve fucked up from drinking in the past, but for whatever reason today just feels like the absolute worst thing I’ve ever done. I need to stop feeling like this.. I need help… I know I deserve better

Marked as a spoiler as the post will be discussing events and characters from both New Dawn and 5
So about a week or so ago I uploaded a post talking about my experiences with finishing Far Cry 5 for the first time. It done pretty well and I had a great time discussing so many different aspects that I said I'd follow it up with New Dawn. And after a gradual playthrough, here I am again.
The first thing that caught my attention was the world. Obviously the map itself is a mirror of Far Cry 5 and, to my knowledge, Primal(?) but the actual world design was just so beautiful. The vibrant colours with the floral and animals felt stunning to look at to the point where I spent a lot of the early game (from roughly Prosperity to Hopes End and surrounding areas) exclusively walking place to place simply because the way the world was designed felt so beautiful. The flourishing nature mixed with the broken remnants of human civilisations with old buildings, cars and other objects was so fun to explore especially when comparing what we see in Far Cry 5 to their changes in New Dawn. In the world's I have currently had extensive exploration in (4, 5 and New Dawn), New Dawn is by far the most visually and aesthetically pleasing to look at.
Characters. Starting with the Guns/Fangs For Hires (GFFH's), the roster was a massive improvement over 5. In 5 there was not much to be behold. Sure the characters each had their own personality but building any sort of relationship with them felt difficult as they just didn't feel very connected. That's not to say they were bad in their own way but the only one I really wanted to stick around was Jess and she wasn't unlocked till the final act of (my) playthrough so it felt more like tacking her on because she was my favourite and nothing more. This was immediately fixed with Carmine in New Dawn. You get her right at the very start of the story and she was the one that I kept with me the entire game (save for a few minor instances). She was with me in both the beginning and the end and you can physically see her personality evolve. At the start she's a fairly timidish kid who you can tell is still adapting to fighting in the world. But as the story progresses she becomes more confident, even swearing vengeance. But you also see how she holds herself to blame for so many actions which makes sense since she was the one who brought Rush and the Train to Hope County. The progression and connection with her was exactly what I wanted in 5 and just wasn't something you got with any of the characters in my opinion. Even beyond Carmine the roster was so unique that each had some sort of lasting impression. Jerome, a fan favourite returning now as a permanent ally. Nana, a bad ass old woman because who doesn't love having an elder kicking ass at their side? The Judge who I swear if Carmine wasn't so good would've been my instant permanent knowing who they were, what they'd been through. Honestly I love everything about them in this way and the fact I was limited only to 1 was heart breaking. Hurk is an ever returning character in the series in some form or another, but him having a partner who seemed just as crazy as him that doubled as an ally was so cool, i just hate that im blanking on her name. Timber may have just felt like a Boomer replacement but in a way I think that that is the best thing for it. It feels similar while also feeling like a reincarnation of a loved ally. And then Horatio... do we need to describe why the pig is so cool? I haven't actually unlocked Horatio yet but I mean come on. It's a boar. Who's name is Horatio. I love him. Even with the NPCs, the mix of returning characters, both physically like the Rye Family and Joseph Seed or through notes like Skylar or the comic book girl, who's treasure hunt was so sick by the way, and New characters like Ethan and the Twins all felt so impartial to the world showing the mix of old world Survivor's and new world builders. But when it comes to Joseph, Ethan and the Twins I'll go more into detail with them further below
Mechanics. Obviously this game marks the first of the series with a number of new features such as ranks, crafting materials, health bars, there was a lot of significant changes but honestly? I'm not mad about them. Although I said crafting different ranks of guns was new here we did actually see a similar feature in Primal where the weapons were continuously upgraded to better ranks. This was just the natural extension of such in a way that felt very fitting to the aesthetic of the game. The gun designs were great the way so much junk was turned into different attachments like Bayonets, silencers, scopes etc. Health bars just aren't that big if a deal and if anything are more helpful for understanding the challenges ahead. However I do also see why people aren't a big fan of them so I believe an option to turn them off should've been added. Overall I loved the way these Mechanics worked I think they were super fun and refreshing
Twins, Joseph and Ethan... the highlights of the game. I'll start with the Twins because they're the easiest. Despite what people think they're fine. They're not bad in any way I can see. They're doing what people do in an Apocalypse. We find loads of notes from before the highway men that say other people didn't trust each other and stole form each other and were ready to kill each other. And the truth is despite the peaceful treaty between New Eden and Properity, neither of them cared to help each other survive. New Eden didn't help when Prosperity attacked and Prosperity didn't help when New Eden was attacked. The only reason they were working together was because they both wanted rid of the Highway Men who threatened their peaceful wishes. But it's because of the environment that I think people don't like the Twins so much. Think about Vaas. About Pagan Min. About Joseph Seed. Each of them are horrible lunatics, psychopaths living in OUR world. Living in a functional society. Breaking the norms and peace of a society for their own twisted gains. They cause chaos. But when there is no society to follow, and everything is already chaos, people causing chaos just aren't that fucked up. Aren't that relatable. They're looking out for themselves in the worst way possible but doing it in the worst possible scenario already. Other villains are impartial because when they do in their respective games is terrifying at the thought of that happening in real life. But we all know if we were in New Dawn, everyone would act like the Twins anyway. Pagan Min stabs a guy in the neck for shooting a bus filled with rebels. Vaas kidnaps tourists and kills/tortures them. Joseph Seed runs a cult where everyone in it is of themselves tortured, drugged and brainwashed. The Twins aren't any different to any other Highway Men. And I think that's why people don't like them. Because they're not impactful. Especially when you learn that there are other Highway Men throughout the New USA. Some of which even seem to be implied as bigger threats. A followup game where some sort of Highway Men super leader comes to Hope County and totally ruins it again as an act of revenge for standing up to them would be so much more impact full. A true threat. And to make it new, Kim might tell you that the people and resources of Hope County can't defeat someone like that. So the protagonist chases them to a new area of the US to recruit new people to stand up to them. Just a thought though.
Joseph and Ethan... Ethan had every right to be mad to be honest. Joseph as a character has fulfilled his purpose by the time New Dawn comes around. He claimed the collapse was coming. He prepared everyone for it and although not everyone, many did survive. Those who did rose from the bunkers but Joseph had nothing left to teach. All he could do was guide them into New Eden, a self sustaining utopia where man and animal live in harmony living only off the land taking only what was needed. He had done his purpose. But the people saw he was right and couldn't live without his guidance. To him he really was the shepherd of God who had guided them out of destruction. But what more could he teach? He was no longer a preacher. He was no longer a leader. With this, he had nothing left to teach Ethan. What could he teach him? How the collapse was to come? It had already come. And his mother Megan admits that Ethan was raised as a non-believer. Ethan from a young age did not believe in the religious basing that New Eden was founded upon. And he saw what New Eden had become. They were held back, restricted by the beliefs and limitations that Joseph's word had built them into. And when Joseph found his new purpose, the watchman over what he perceived as God's Holy Fruit, Ethan was left as the stand in. But none of them listened to him. No one wanted to move on, to better the world. They wanted to keep to themselves, and double down on Joseph's beliefs even when he had none left. Then the Security Captain shows up. A total stranger. Someone who just like Ethan is working to build a better world. Their strategies may have been different, with Ethan still wanting a self sustaining Utopia as evidence by his clothing, but the security captain still relished in the old ways of society. Two different approaches to meet the same goal. And yet Ethan, despite all of his efforts was met with nothing. No one listened to him. They all turned their backs on him once Joseph returned from his recluse just to crown the SC as their leader. Of course he was going to be mad. I think that after SC is met as the leader, and Ethan turns to the Twins for a deal, I think that's where his sympathy and logic come to a halt. He no longer wanted a better world he was just driven by revenge. But each of their characters were so good and I had to do some thorough research into whether to spare Joseph or kill/Release him. I ultimately chose to spare him but only really because his body apparently just disappears and to me that didn't really make canonical sense for it to just poof XD
In conclusion, the game was absolutely fantastic and I could still say so much more so just like my post on FC5 I hope we can have a lot of good discussions :) if you made it this far, thank you :)

I grew up physically and emotionally abused by my parents, in particular, my dad. I should preface this by saying my dad was stressed from working night shifts in the factory. And his parents didn’t like myself or my mom (dad married my mom who is a different Asian race) and growing up in Australia I never spoke my grandparents native language or either of my parents’ languages - mainly English, hence the disapproval. So it’s safe to say my dad was quite stressed at this time.
When I was 7 years of age, I had problems sleeping and my dad used to work night shifts. When I couldn’t sleep I would go to my parents room and tell them I couldn’t sleep. This was always followed by: “go to sleep, just lay there and you will sleep”, which I would try and follow, but after several hours of laying in bed, I would go back to my parents room to tell them I couldn’t sleep, for some reason I always felt very anxious when I couldn’t sleep as a kid. When I went back to their room it as always horrible for me ….
trigger warning*
My dad would then beat me really bad. He would hit me across the face to the point where I would go to school with a large bruise on my face. It was always hitting and punching my head or my arms (from trying to block my face). There were days I couldn’t move my arm because when I tried to block his strike, my arm would take the hit and it would be so painful. He would break down my door to get into my room after I would run into it to escape his beating. He would tape my arms and legs so that I couldn’t defend myself, and would spit on me and kick my stomach while I was taped and on the floor. He would strangle me so hard I begged him to stop multiple times. He would lock me out of the house in the middle of the night and tell me I can scream all I want, and that even if the police came, they wouldn’t be able to help me because going into foster care would be worse than what I was experiencing. I was so messed up. My mom would try to help me but eventually gave up because of dad’s force. He has never beaten my mom or my brother, just me. I was also emotionally abused if I forgot something when we were out shopping in the mall - if I spoke out of line and told him to lower his voice he would yell even louder and call me stupid. This is just the surface of what I went through…and it went on for about 8-9 years. Not everyday but most days. Their excuse was that my dad was the sole income earner, he was stressed and he was earning money to provide me with an education and better life. This is their way of showing “love”. My mom constantly reminds me that his actions were in the past and I should be appreciative of his care.
In my 20s, I had developed severe depression and anxiety and had to seek help from medical professionals to stop suicidal tendencies. Since gaining financial independence and moving away from them, it has helped my relationship with them and we are now cordial.
Fast forward and I’m now 34, happily married to a Caucasian and have a 3 year old together. Both my husband and I work full time and can only afford to place my daughter in childcare 4 days per week. One day per week we ask my parents to help us look after her while we work. They don’t like my husband, they judge my marriage and the way I parent my child. They constantly tell me that “white men” are no good and that my husband can’t offer me security. I do see they love my daughter but it feels like it is a huge burden for them to look after her. They claim they love taking care of her but then they say they have busy lives and don’t have time for themselves when they look after her. They constantly complain on the day they look after her.
Recently my daughter has been unwell with croup. We have taken her to 4 different doctors and they have all advised us to give neurofen or Panadol for discomfort and fevers. When my dad asked me what medication I give her, he said “don’t you know neurofen fu%ing causes coughing?” And I said that’s what the doctors advised and that there’s no evidence to his claim. I asked if he knew more than the doctor and he told me to “get out of my fu%ing sight”. Additionally my daughter vomitted on their carpet from being so sick, it was sudden and there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent her from vomitting on their carpet. May I remind you she’s only 3. My parents were more concerned about the carpet than my daughter!
My question is… is this normal? I feel like I have reached my limit and want to cut out the toxicity and cut ties. My daughter loves them both but I just feel it is so unhealthy being around them. Thoughts??
**I have tried talking to them about it without any success.

26 weeks here with my 3rd. I’m a die hard stomach sleeper and no matter what I do I wake up sleeping on my poor son and although I’m not uncomfortable as soon as I’m really up for the day and lay on my side after I grab my phone, he kicks like CRAZY. It’s like he’s finally able to stretch out and move after the whole night. I wish I could curb this somehow but asleep me vs awake me seem to have two different ideas.
THEN, I’m sick atleast once a morning. Everytime when I’m getting my toddler set up for the morning, my daughters getting ready for school I’m usually next to the toilet. I get a horrible headache after for a bit and then comes the friggin hunger pains. It’s so hard to want to eat when I feel like this but I know I need to in order to feel better. I usually end up drinking a light coffee until I can actually handle some food which ends up being lunch and by then I’m so hungry I eat until I have NO room so I’m back in pain. What a cycle 🤣
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the afternoons though, it’s starting to warm up here in Canada and I’ve been getting outside a lot more. This is my first summer pregnancy, I’ve only had January and March babies before so I’m so excited to show off my bump in all the cute summer outfits and be the cute pregnant mom at the waterpark this year.

This is almost a month late! It's taken time to reflect and collect my thoughts, as well as rewrite this 50 times over*! There's a blog post about it with pictures and maps for those interested. Apologies if I'm not allowed to post links!
* see one of my lessons further down about over thinking of things!

TL;DR

This is THE race I have been trying to run for years, and when it finally came, it didn’t disappoint despite a sub-par performance on the day. I accomplished most of what I set out to achieve, and had an amazing day.

Goals

1. 3:20:00 - Fail
2. 3:30:00 - Fail
3. 3:40:00 - Pass
4. Bonus: Experience it - Pass
5. Bonus: Raise money for WWF - £800+

Results

Time: 3:38:21
Position: 12,670/ ~50,000+ (masses)

Report

It was a bright and sunny, but bitterly cold morning. Wind chill was around 0°C. As I threw off my warm layers, and approached the starting gate, I was at the peak of my anxiety. It had been building for days, probably weeks. Finally, I was only metres from the London Marathon start line and everything I had been working towards over the last 4 months was finally being released. The emotion was palpable. Tears moistened my eyes briefly . I could feel the stress starting to evaporate as I crossed the start line. I knew that this was it. Everything I had trained for, everything I had read and learned all needed to be implemented to the letter if I was to get my marathon PB.
3 hours, 38 minutes and 21 seconds later, I was crossing the finish line without a PB. My anxiety and nerves had been replaced with elation and exhaustion. There was pain and nausea mixed with joy and pride. I had a London Marathon medal around my neck finally! There was a tinge of regret that I didn’t get my PB, but after the last few hours, I was more than happy to have made it to the end, and done it in a good time.
The last few hours had been a rollercoaster of emotions. The whole of London had come out along with my family. This was London on one of it’s best days. But it hadn’t all been smooth sailing.
As I had stumbled over the finish line the first thing I wanted to do was stop, lie down and try not to be sick. I’d spent the last 10km struggling hard when my legs just ran out of energy. I hadn’t been topping up with gels since around 25km after getting at stitch, whilst simultaneously feeling sick and hungry. I didn’t have any reserves left in my legs and kept having to stop, stretch and walk. The support kept me going. Incredible crowds kept me going. “Go on Carl. Keep going!”. High fives kept me going! Knowing I had family out there supporting me kept me going, and having people who had made charity donations on my behalf to the WWF kept me going.
But where did my energy go? This all comes back to the anxiety that had been building over the last few days and weeks. From the Wednesday my appetite had just fallen off a cliff. When I did eat, it was just butterflies and they have next to no carbs! I always get race nerves, but that’s normally on the race morning so it doesn’t really affect the carbo-loading during the previous days.

Let's go!

The start went perfectly. I had said to myself, run the first third with my head, the second with my legs and the third with my heart. I didn’t go off too fast, in-fact I had stuck almost exactly to the 4:44/km pace I needed despite the long downhill in the first few km.
I was actually having fun. High fiving all the kids! Enjoying the atmosphere. It was busy on and off the course. there was almost a fun run atmosphere. It didn’t feel like a race, and my legs felt really good. By the time I arrived at the Cutty Sark, 10k in, I felt like everything had bedded down and I was just gliding along. The only issue at this point was my vest starting to rub, but that wasn’t anything to worry about. Somewhere in the crowds was my wife, Shadia, cheering me on but it was that busy I didn’t see her.
At almost the half way mark, is one of the iconic landmarks on the course, Tower Bridge. I got my phone out to take some photos and was surprised to find myself heading up hill. It’s probably the first uphill on the course that’s noticeable and by the time I was halfway across my HR was in the red zone, but I didn’t really notice until after because the crowd here were electric, and the backdrop was incredible. The course narrows over the bridge as you pass under the iconic towers, and on each side there’s people 5 deep cheering everyone on.
Then before you know it, you’ve crossed over and started towards Canary Wharf. I hit the half way mark with a 1:41:55. I was a little behind target, but my pace was good and I had just ran one of my top 5 half marathon paces. On the other side of the road, the pros flew past which was awesome to see and really makes it feel like a big event being on the same course as olympians and world record holders. They have a head start, so it’s not really fair!
It had all being going well, until it wasn’t. As I got towards 25/26km I started to get the sense that the easy bit was over. It started with a stitch, which meant that I just couldn’t keep up the pace. I put this down to 2 things. Coke, and shortbread. Since I hadn’t managed to carbo-load due to the anxiety over the previous days, I had decided to nibble some shortbread all morning before the start in an attempt to gain some energy. Likewise, before the race I’d needed a drink, and my thoughts went straight to something with sugar. Coke. Now a combo of carbonated sugar, and Scottish biscuits were enacting their revenge!
After backing off the pace somewhat, the stitch mostly went away, but I didn’t want it back, and made the mistake of stopping eating my energy gels or drinking much water. About 5km later, in the low 30km range my pace started to fall away from me. People say that the halfway point in a marathon is about 30km. I now understand why. The last 12km felt like more effort than the first 21km. Every time I looked at my watch I could see my pace dropping and felt my PB attempt slipping though my fingers. I would slow, then a dinosaur or a seagull would overtake me and it would spur me on for 500m, then I’d slow and someone would yell “Go Carl” and it would be another 300m or so.
Even when I arrived at Big Ben and I knew it was 1km to go, it felt like an almost insurmountable task. Flashing back to October last year and the Chester Marathon, the last 1km had been hard, but I still had something in the tank. This was just running on fumes. The only thing I didn’t want to do was to walk that final bit. I could see my time was now looking nearer to exceeding 3:40 and if I walked then my final target would have been missed. I just had to grit my teeth and slog on.
400m to go and it was “just one loop around a track”. That felt like a big ask, but I forced myself with all my remaining effort not to slow or walk. Finally rounding the corner in front of the palace with about 200m to go, the finish line appeared into sight. Can I summon up a sprint finish? No. not even a slight uptick in pace. That’s how empty my tank was. Just put one foot in front of the other and reel it in and try not to trip over the timing mats at the finish line. Then, as suddenly as it had started, it was over. LonDone! Someone placed a medal around my neck and I finally the magnitude of what I’d done finally struck home “I’ve got a London Marathon medal. I’ve actually got one. Wow.”
Almost immediately as I finish, Shadia called me to try and meet up. I’m trying to explain where I am and how we can meet but my brain just doesn’t have the ability. It’s a mess.

It’s hard to describe to someone how f**ked you feel when you finished something like a marathon. It’s not like being tired from doing a 5K when you start out running. It’s not like your first 10K either, or even a half marathon. Your body is just exhausted. Every muscle aches. You have no energy. After 30km your energy supplies have dwindled and you are left tired and broken.

Eventually Shadia gets some sense out of me and we try to figure out a place to meet. A bit dazed and confused I shuffled off towards blankets, Lucozade and the exits. It’s busy, so we change the plan a few times, finally ending in Charring cross for a celebratory beer, before heading back to base. And with that, the London Marathon is done.

Route

It's a pretty well known route (see my linked post for the route map)

Kit

• WWF Vest
• Salomon Running Vest
• INOV-8 Race shorts
• Nike Air Zoom Alphafly Next% 2
• Darn tough socks
• Garmin HR Pro band
• Garmin Epix 2
• Shockz OpenRun headphones
• Salomon 500ml bottles (water)
• SiS energy gels (various flavours)

Lessons

Post race I jotted down my thoughts in a mind-map so I could quickly explore how things went. This isn't something I have tried before, but it worked really well to quickly surmise the whole event, training and experience of the London Marathon.

Nutrition and energy

My fuelling pre race, was s**t. I know this. I should have been aiming for 600-700g of carbs a day from the Wednesday onwards and failed hard. This hit me hard in the race. that was the fabled wall. There’s nothing more to say about this.
There’s 2 things I’m looking at to fix this. Other types of gel. Energy drinks on the days leading up to it. I think I can handle them despite the anxiety and it’s a good way to load up some carbs at least!

Training plan and goals

I set out in January a goal to beat my Chester PB of 2023. 3:32:36. For Chester I had done no specific training, although I already had a regime with a lot of base (Z3) runs, ParkRun’s ran as races most Saturdays and a long run each week, with a few bing half marathons. There were about 2 30km+ runs over the 4 months before. I was probably averaging 50km per week.
For the London Marathon I started training on the first of January, following my Garmin Epix’s suggested runs. This pushed me pretty well, and was a good mix of long, hard and easy runs. The problems with this arose when Idris went back to nursery and the germs got him! That meant rubbish sleep, and the suggested runs tried to be nice, which meant it was all short and easy.
I started looking at a range of plans which could push me hard enough, whilst also not taking up every waking hour with running. I can’t remember now, because I didn’t write it down, but the closest I got was Jack Daniels advanced or Pfitz 12/50, but both of these still weren’t quite a good enough match, so the only option was to roll my own.
This boiled down to a simple plan:

• Monday: Z2 / Recovery
• Tuesday: Sprints / hills
• Wednesday: Z2 / Recovery
• Thursday: Threshold or intervals
• Friday: Z2 / Recovery
• Saturday: Long run at base, increasing to 33km
• Sunday: Base

Most runs ended up being around 10k in length apart from the long runs. I also dropped ParkRuns on a Saturday so that I could focus on the sprints/intervals and long runs without being too knackered. From February my long runs were around 21km, but during March I started to push these to 33km. All the time this was going on, my predicted Marathon time was improving from low 3:30s towards the low 3:20s. So far so good.
Because of this shift in my predicted time I changed my goal from beating my PB, to going for 3:20. This was probably a mistake, and I should have looked at RunAlyze’s predicted time which takes into account weekly mileage and longest runs over the period. It turned out to be more accurate. I think if i’d gone out of the gate slower, or dropped my pace and continued fuelling when the stitch arrived I wouldn’t have hit such a wall and missed my PB. Lesson learned.

Anxiety and stress

I over think. A lot. Not being at home the lead up added to my stress. Travelling down a few days before and trying to incorporate sightseeing really didn’t help. Add into the mix, trying to do sightseeing with family and help coordinate where to watch was probably the another nail in my PB attempt.
One other aspect around this event was the historic significance of it to me. My previous job, starting 15+ years ago, had revolved around the London Marathon like the earth around the sun. It was seen as one of the pinnacles of the road race calendar. Back then I didn’t even run, but a large part of me started running due to this. Because of Realbuzz I ran my first half marathon and for years I have tried, and failed, to get on to the London Marathon, so to finally be able to run it, and to be in a position where I can run it well (pushing for a PB) was a lot of self inflicted pressure.
My solution is to more races of a big nature. Keeping me out of my comfort zone can only help me get used to it. Mixed in with better planned travel/sightseeing and I might just be race ready. I hope so, because I’m signed up to Chester and Yorkshire marathons in October already!

Fundraising

Remember when you were a kid and did charity fundraising for 5p a length of the pool, or something like that! Well, I hadn't really done any since then. When I signed up for the London Marathon to raise money for the World Wildlife Fund it was always something I kept pushing back to do later. I was a little nervous to ask for donations. When my WWF vest arrived, I knew it was time to grow up and just ask.
The reality is that you have to pester people. Some will love your cause, or your dedication and other’s not so much. You’ll get something from someone and then the ball is rolling. The lesson is, do it ASAP so you have time to ask again, and again in different ways.
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Carl-Topham
Thanks to every who donated, liked and shared my campaign. As one UK supermarket says… every little helps.

Miscellaneous

I’ve always been worried about running out of water. That was never going to happen if I’d looked at the route maps. Every 5km is plenty. I ran with a vest so I could carry 1 litre of water! That’s excessive and caused my running vest to rub and then bleed. This wasn’t a show stopper until a few days after, but unless I’m out on the trails, or self supporting, then a smaller waist pack should be enough.

It’s not all bad

Family support throughout my training and accommodation for my long runs especially from Shadia. They’ve been flexible and allowed me to have time to do what I needed to do which has massively helped.
In the last month or so I started to add in some strength training. Mainly press ups and sit ups with some stretching also. Unlike last years Chester marathon, it may have contributed to me being able to continue running only days after. Chester crippled me for over 2 weeks.

Final thoughts

I’m doing it again, somehow, some day. While it was a very hard day, especially the second “half”, the sheer atmosphere and emotion just made it epic.
This was THE race for me. While I didn’t get the result I wanted to, it was an incredible, enjoyable experience that I already look back on with fondness and pride. I think there are some valuable lessons to take away from it which I can apply already so hopefully this will be a notable stepping point in my running achievements.This is THE race I have been trying to run for years, and when it finally came, it didn’t disappoint despite a sub-par performance on the day. I accomplished most of what I set out to achieve, and had an amazing day.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Actual-Beach-4400 and u/Affectionate_Egg895 posting in Marriage
Concluded as per OOP
Content warning - mention of child sexual abuse, miscarriage
2 updates - Medium
Original - 30th March 2024
Update1 - 20th April 2024
Update2 - 13th May 2024
​
My husband kicked me out of the home because I invited over his mother
​
I preface this by saying I think I screwed up massively.
Hubbie and I have been married for six years now. He's always been the "fun guy", always laughing and making me laugh, always seeing the bright side of things. However, one thing that bothered me was that I never knew much of his family. His father died when he was little and he has little relationship with his mom.
I'll keep this short: four months ago I looked up his mom on social media and found her. I sent a message, and she replied. We chatted and met up, she doesn't live far from us. She knew all about me and her son because she kept an eye on him on social. We became friends and I filled her in with details about our lives. I asked her why hubbie went no contact with her. She refused to tell me why if hubbie didn't tell me, just said it was all her fault and she's ashamed of it. I proposed to try what I could to help them reconcile and she agreed even if she was reluctant at first.
In the following weeks I tried talking to hubbie about his mother and what happened between them. He always changed topic or shut me down. When MIL asked me how it was going, I told her things were progressing and I was working on it.
Last week I decided to try and have them meet up so maybe we could spend Easter together. I invited MIL over before my husband would be back from work so we could surprise. She was a bit unsure about this, she said she wasn't comfortable surprising him like that, but I reassured her. I thought that any emotion hubbie could have would be better cooled by a hug.
Spoiler alert, MIL was right. Hubbie came home, and after the initial shock started yelling like I never heard him to her to get out immediately. She just grabbed her coat and stormed out. Afterwards, hubbie told me to get out too when I explained what I had done. He didn't yell at me, but his voice was cold and almost emotionless.
I've been staying at my sister's since. Hubbie won't take my calls. MIL cried on the phone and asked why I lied like that and never talked to my hubbie and "prepared" him for that. Now she stopped taking my calls as well.
I know I have screwed up big time, and I see now what a massive dork I've been. How can I fix this? I want to apologize to hubbie for what I did and maybe find out why his mom is dead to him.
​
Comments
​
Maze_C
You’re a manipulative liar with no concept of boundaries. You’re staring divorce in the face and STILL want details on a situation that has absolutely fuck all to do with you. You know you’re a despicable person when even the estranged mother wants nothing to do with you. Grow up.
​
Update - 3 weeks later
​
The last weeks have been rough, but we might be okay. Hubbie opened up about the reason he cut off his mother and many of you were right, it was s3xual abuse. Not from his mother, but his stepfather. They were engaged and his mom was pregnant with his child when the guy started giving my husband "attentions".
Husband went to his mom but she shut him down accusing him of being jealous and wanting to spoil her happiness. This went on until his mother came home from work unexpectedly and walked in on the guy "giving attention" to my husband. She kicked him out, pressed charges and annulled their engagement, but the damage was done and my husband no longer trusted her. She also lost the baby due to stress and although she never blamed my husband for it, he felt it was his fault.
All this felt like a gut punch for me, first for what he went through, and then because now I am the person who shattered his trust. He said he did consider divorce over this, but pretty bluntly said that he thinks my actions were out of stupidity rather than malice, and he wants to work things out.
I am committed to do my best to become a better and safe partner for him, I know I have this stupid and selfish tendency to think that I often know better than him, but I have to get over it because it hurt him massively and almost imploded our relationship. I don't want to be another person he trusted and ended up hurting him.
He also decided to reach out to his mom and start talking to her again. He's not sure they can repair the relationship, but he wants for both of them to find some closure.
​
Comments
​
Strange_Salamander33
Literally, she forced him to relive trauma and tell a secret she had no business knowing. I’d definitely have divorced
RegieRealtor49
To be fair he had not told her about the abuse. She had no idea

OOP: I know I screwed up massively and I will do everything I can to become a better wife and safe partner for him

xanif
Another example of someone with a savior complex trying to "fix" things.
​
Update - 3 weeks later
​
My husband is doing better and our relationship is slowly getting back to what it was. I know it will take a lot of time to repair the damage I caused, but I am willing to give him all the time he wants and do anything he asks out of me.
The bitter irony of this whole story is that he told me he had been thinking about reaching out to his mother, but on his terms and time. By going behind his back I almost destroyed that chance of reconciliation and imploded our marriage. I am working on myself and will start seeing a therapist next month so I never do something like that ever again and more importantly, never betray his trust ever again. Also, with my husband's knowledge and consent, I apologized to MIL for leading her on with false promises and she has forgiven me.
As for him and MIL, they started talking to each other, have met a couple of times in public and yesterday my husband invited her over for dinner so that in his words we all can try to start over properly. She's a very sweet woman and she's eager to reconcile with him and get to know me. My husband said that for now he wants for all of us to get a bit used to each other, then he and MIL will get to work on their traumas (his words).
He says she's not the "villain" in what happened, but he needs to come to terms with her poor decisions and his own feelings of guilt for her losing her baby. MIL on the other hand is very apologetic and extremely sorry about what happened (in my husband's opinion, sincerely so) and doesn't blame him at all for the miscarriage.
As for me, I just sit aside and do my best to rebuild the trust with my husband and become a better and safe partner. He started being affectionate with me again and we are no longer on thin ice, but I can't stop thinking I almost lost him because I thought I knew better than him.
​
Comments
​
Veronika9216
I remember your story, and I hope you appreciate how lucky you are to be given a second chance.
You know you screwed up when both your husband and the estranged parent are upset at you for what you have done. It seems you all are on the road of reconciling, but never forget that your short-sighted actions could have nuked any possibility of them reconciling and your own marriage.
Be thankful you are given this chance, don't screw it up and although your husband and MIL have forgiven you for breaking both their trusts, it will take time to rebuild their trust for you.
Syclone11
I am happy for you OP. You know how you massively screwed up and have shown yourself to be remorseful and have grasped what you did to your husband.
He and his mother have a lot of healing to do. You are right to stay out of it going forward unless asked by your husband. He is being affectionate because he does love you and knows you deserve redemption and is looking to give you that gift. You are very lucky and I think this will make you a more complete partner. I wish nothing but the best for you, your husband and his mother.
​
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

BadChadR:
Feb 14, 2023
Actually I had dull, but not horrible, aches post vasectomy for years post intercourse. Makes sense from the fact that the sperm have nowhere to go. Years later I was diagnosed with low T and my primary care doc got my levels to 300-500 without any real improvement of low T symptoms except the post vasectomy pain resolved. Now I’m seeing a doc who’s keeping my T in the 900-1100 range and my libido, energy, mood and well being is amazing but he started me on HCG as well to prevent atrophy.
At first I noticed more sensitivity to my balls, which was not bad at all as it added a new level of foreplay for my wife and I. However I started getting very painful ejaculations with that blue ball feeling that aches for hours.
So I’ve stopped taking the HCG and symptoms resolved, but my nuts are a bit smaller. I will talk to my doc about this at our follow up tomorrow.
PVP isn’t taken seriously, and sadly. As I keep telling my wife, it doesn’t matter how small the tunnel off the island is…it’s the only damn tunnel. So sperm have to literally blow out the side, and get reabsorbed into the sac. More sperm = larger blow outs. Maybe it’s the vasectomy technique, and maybe it’s the individual. But it’s real and debilitating.
https://www.reddit.com/Testosterone/comments/njfs43/hcg_treatment_post_vasectomy/j8it7if/
Honestly testosterone therapy should be a first line treatment for PVP syndrome. Really pathetic that it’s easier for a 12 year old girl to get testosterone injections for untreated mental health issues than it is for a man to get a replacement therapy.
I love being at a T level >800. It’s a game changer and actually beneficial for well being and physical health compared to any drugs prescribed by a psychologist. But most PCP’s don’t know crap and they are happy if they get your 150 up to 350.
Maybe I should tell a therapist I identify as a hypermasculine disagreeable 18 year old male. I’ve been misgendered my whole life as a hypo-masculine / slightly feminine overweight male.
Pronouns are Beefcake / Spartacus / StudMuffin
https://www.reddit.com/Testosterone/comments/njfs43/hcg_treatment_post_vasectomy/j8iv9qv/
I know this is old, but what’s your follow up. I’ve noticed increase pain with ejaculation since starting HCG, enough so that I stopped it after 4 weeks. I’m about 10 years post vasectomy and finally found a doc to get my T levels to the >800 range and really he only wants my low energy / libido symptoms to improve and could care less if my T is 600 or 1200. But he added an aromatase inhibitor and HCG…Also finding that there’s negatives to the AI, but that’s a different thread.
https://www.reddit.com/Testosterone/comments/anlmnh/45_had_3_kids_and_a_vasectomy_starting_trt_do_i/j8iwkkc/
I’m 10 years post vasectomy and HCG created more pain with ejaculation for me. While testosterone reduced my ejaculation pain. Makes sense, less sperm, less dramatic blow outs from the severed & clipped tube. More sperm, more volume hitting a dead end. But that’s just me
https://www.reddit.com/Testosterone/comments/xqyq09/hcg_besides_fertility_and_testicle_size_is_there/j8j2weo/
I’ve commented a few times, but my experience is 10 years vasectomy. TRT reduced post vasectomy pain, HCG increased post vasectomy pain. I’d try switching to TRT and your sperm count will drop, potentially reducing that overbuilding of pressure in your nuts…that’s how I could explain it…like my nuts were too full and ready to burst. Less sperm is a good thing post vasectomy.
https://www.reddit.com/Testosterone/comments/v8h469/trt_with_hcg_post_vasectomy_pain/j8j41st/
Metadata:
ID: 058e83de
Name: BadChadR
Vasectomy Date: 2013
Source: reddit
Posted: 2023-02-14
Storycodes: PSX,LTT
Months: 120
Resolved: Partial

For the last 4 days I’ve been experiencing a variety of different symptoms. At first it was bearable but it’s getting worse. What started as just an on and off stuffy nose and sore throat is now a lot worse. It’s accompanied by diarrhea and stomach cramps pretty much any time I eat anything no matter what it is, bouts of nausea, sometimes intense headaches that last for hours and an almost total lack of appetite.
I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, it might just be nothing. However I know the stomach issues are going to be a problem. I can’t keep running in and out of the bathroom during my shift.
Other people call out all the time and it’s OK for them. We are severely understaffed so according to the other coworkers, they would probably do anything to keep me around. All the same this is a new job and I’ve only been working here since April 27 and I don’t want to get fired or make a bad impression. I haven’t been absent once, but there was one time about a week ago I had a really nasty migraine and had to clock out a little early. I don’t want to make the impression of being unreliable.
I really worry about the financial consequences of missing a day. Today’s been a bit of an expensive month because I had to stay in a motel a few days because my roommates had a bunch of people over. Due to them holding back my paycheck for the first couple of weeks, I have not received my first paycheck from my job yet. It should be here on the 18th.
Should I risk calling in sick or tough it out?

I've been looking for comfort in these forums for weeks. They have been very helpful to me. Since my TPNI test was positive for T21 I searched for similar experiences, and these forums have been of great help throughout the process until my TFMR last Thursday, May 9, just a week ago.
Tought my friends have been of great help, it´s not the same. I only feel truly understood by those people who have had the misfortune of living this dramatic and transformative experience. I feel immense empathy for all of you. Now I am in the middle of the grieving process, my head goes one way, my body another. Life passes by me but I am still anchored in the experience of my TFRM. It has been horrible for me to have to give birth to my baby (week 20). My husband and I met him, we were with him, we hugged him. And this is killing me. All the doctors told us that it was better for grieving, and I was convinced that I wanted to see it. However, it seems to me the height of cruelty, to have to give birth to your baby and meet her while knowing that I have made the decision that he should not live. When you give birth you just want to protect your baby, take care of him, hug him, take him home, never part with him, because as soon as you meet him, in my experience, you fall in love.
I felt like I fell in love with my baby. At that moment I would have liked to go back, bring him back to life. Change my mind.
Making the decision when you are pregnant, although it is the most difficult decision a mother can face, is easier. When I opted for TFRM I felt the deepest pain of my life, but at the same time a certain relief, a certain peace that told me that it was the right decision. But after meeting him... What mother would kill his baby once that has met him? You're already in love with him. Your whole body, all your hormones, work to protect it.
I know that right now I am in the middle of the postpartum process and the pain is more acute because of it. But still, I can't stop thinking if we made the right decision. Our diagnosis was gray. Confirmed free trisomy 21, but on the high-detail ultrasound at 19 weeks, everything was perfect. In fact, the doctor told us that, if it had not been for NIPT and amniocentesis, the ultrasound would never have detected anything that would make them suspect T21.
I read a lot about T21 and in the end I think I chose from the fear. The fear of dealing with one of the more complicated cases. I know that I would have loved that child with all my soul, maybe it would have been the greatest love I would experience in my life. I have another two-year-old son and motherhood has transformed me, I love taking care of him, I love mothering, I was not frustrated when I reduced my work day. I think I wouldn't mind having to take care of my son with T21 forever. But I also thought that that was selfish. Experiencing this love maybe had condemned my child to a limited life experience. I thought that it was not fair.
That was my main thought for ultimately choosing TFRM.
But still I can't stop thinking about it. I see babies and children with T21 on social media who lead very good lives and, above all, are happy. I know the doubt will always be there. I will always wonder if I have lost the love of my life and if he could have been happy with me. Thank you for listening to me.

Well I'm a 38 year old male, I have a,wife and two young boys(9 and 6). I work full time in retail northern ireland. I have mental health issues( adhd,ocd,anxiety and depression) I have them for as long as I can remember(20 years at least) , only very aware of them the past 10 years maybe. Growing i my dad drank all the time, every weekend, horrible guy narcissist, cheated and hit my mum, extremely intimidating. His side of the family were bad with drink. So I started drinking probably about 14 or so, every weekend I'd drink and drink until I basically blacked out, hadn't missed many weekends at all, alot of the time friday and Saturday night. Very well know by my mates that i got trashed and they would have to look after me, get emllme home etc and had many a drunkin crazy story to tell,random situations, silly dangerous stuff. More harm to myself than others thankfully I wasn't a fighter drunk. I had no interest in relationships. My goal, getting trashed, looking back maybe a big part was because of my mental health l, to go numb and feel nothing. I met my now wife on a night out in 2018, started going out and drank together every weekend, moved in together, still drinking to excess, quite alot, got married and drank all 21 days on our honeymoon. I had lost my hair at a young age too( 16-while in school) so I don't think thay helped things, had out first child, thin while she was pregnant I didn't drink for about 6 months, but straight back to it, alot of the time froday and Saturday. Going into work hungover alot of the time, (a bin man, a telecommunications engineer and now retail) The past few years since covid until last year my wife and I were drinking 3,4,5 times a week, at least 6-8 drinks each time, 2 kids and two full time jobs! It seems to now affect me more. I am grumpier, more impatient, I just feel stupid and have for years, not being able to think straight, getting confused and the memory of a fish. I don't want to turn into my intimidating father to my kids. I've don't alot of silly things and ALL due to drinking. I don't get excited to drink, don't feel a buzz during it and really pay mentally afterwards. My brother in law and his side of the family would come to our every couple months of so and we'd all get get totally trashed. I went out for a friends stag on the 20th April, got trashed and had to get sent home about 9pm, I missed I 10 year reunion of a mutual friend of ours who had died 10 years ago, due to passing out, so the next day I randomly thought about not drinking for a year, I had thought about it before but that last literally two weeks. I'm due to go on holiday here on Monday to Spain my family and brother in law and his kids, we had a family party Saturday past there and I managed to drink non alcoholics and they didn't even notice. I don't want to drink on holiday, but came to reddit, to get some motivation and support which I will need over the next year and see whst happens. I plan to run, be present with my boys, read and enjoy food, I just hope to not feel bored or feel like I'm missing out. Btw my wife and I also were addicted to codeine for years due to all the hangovers. Hope I made sense, hope to chat to some similar folk, thanks 😊

FYI, this is a story COLLECTION. Lots of standalones technically. So, you can basically start to read at any chapter, no pre-read of the other chapters needed technically (other than maybe getting better descriptions of characters than: Adam Vir=human, Krill=antlike alien, Sunny=tall alien, Conn=telepathic alien). The numbers are (mostly) only for organization of posts and continuity.
OC Written by Charlie Stastarrfallknightrise,
Typed up and then posted here by me.
Proofreading and language check for some chapters by u/Finbar9800 u/BakeGullible9975 u/Didnotseemecomein and u/medium_jock
Future Lore and fact check done by me.
*Starts to cry* I am so so happy! Isn’t that great? Finally some good news and great things to go forward!
Previous First [Next](link)
Want to find a specific one, see the whole list or check fanart?
Here is the link to the master-post.
Breaking News tonight from the Apollo 11 memorial landing site, as Admiral Adam Vir and Captains Warren Richards and Mary Chavez were rescued from the Pacific Ocean, following a journey that was supposed to be historical, turned harrowing. Amy Grey comes to us this morning with the story.
Thank you Julie, it was only a week ago here on the historic Cape Canaveral launch site, that the reconstructed Saturn V rocket was launched by the UNSC International Space and Aeronautics Division on the two thousand and fifty first anniversary of the original Apollo 11 mission. On board The reconstructed rocket were astronauts Fleet Admiral Adam Vir, head of the UNSC deep space exploration division, Captain Warren Richards five year veteran and historical aeronautics expert, and Mary Chavez, six year shuttle pilot veteran, and communications specialist.
The reconstructed Saturn V rocket took off thirty minutes behind schedule at 10:03 GMT July 16 after delays attributed to engineering standbys. However, reports by UNSC investigation early this morning indicate that the delays were called for by engineering head Jade Clein who noticed something strange during her final checks of the Saturn V recreated rocket.
In an interview early today, flight director, Aaliyah Seif of the Apollo re-creation mission informed outlets that there was evidence of attempted tampering on the hull of the Saturn V rocket. The tampering case in the shape of these small silver tape strips covering loosened bolts along one of the Saturn V side panels. Engineers stated that the tape was not heat resistant and would have burned off in time to rattle the bolts loose and, likely, cause a devastating spin that would destroy the rocket.
While this attempted tampering was thwarted, the mission would only become more dire. A sudden and shocking report by Mericanda News 5 showed an uncut image of an unknown alien hybrid woman claiming that the UN President had ordered the attempted assassination of Admiral Vir, in conjunction with an audio recording by Admiral Colter Massie, Head of the Galactic intelligence division and known isolationist, that admitted to the attempted assassination of Admiral Vir, and the acquisition of twenty Thunderhawk’s, which were used to harry the Saturn V on its way to the moon. Admiral Kelly, longtime friend of Admiral Vir, corroborated the story, saying she caught General Massie just after he ordered the deployment of the twenty Thunderhawk’s. During their conversion, he attempted to kill her, before being detained by two members of Admiral Vir's crew, and was later seen being escorted into custody by Military Police.
Indeed, footage has been captured from the hull of the Saturn V, showing approximately twenty Thunderhawk’s attempting to destroy the rocket while Rundi remote piloted drones and an unknown group of what appear to be racing jets, fought back to delay the attack, while word was sent to the UNSC to deploy F-90 Darkfire pilots to assist. This all after communications between Houston and the rocket were sabotaged shortly after leaving orbit. The F-90 Darkfire pilots were able to arrive on time to rescue the rocket, though a hole was reportedly torn in the hull, sucking Admiral Vir out into space. Luckily, he was later recovered and returned to his ship without any injuries. Patch teams were then able to repair the torn hull and the astronauts completed their mission landing to crowds on the moon and returning to earth on time, landing in the Pacific Ocean only nine miles away from the waiting ship.
All three astronauts were recovered and are reported to be in good health.
The investigation into the UN president's involvement is still ongoing at this time, however preliminary reports from the Global Bureau of Investigation suggest evidence is both staggering and damning to the current UN president, who earlier today, attempted to cut all ties to the sabotage efforts, saying she was framed. Political experts report that, even assuming her innocence, she will likely not last to the end of her term.
International News Network was able to interview Admiral Vir shortly after his landing while still on board the rescuing ship UNSS Victory.
Here is what the Admiral had to say:
"I find it... Really very disheartening that someone we all trusted, and someone that we all should have looked up to could do something like this. It really is a heinous demonstration of what political corruption can lead people to do."
"And how do you feel, personally about all of this?"
"Personally, I... well to be honest I am hurt and appalled. Not to mention that I fear for the safety of my family and my friends. Every day I wonder if my involvement with them is going to get someone I love killed... The thought haunts me, but I hope after all of this is over I... and all of us can breathe a little easier."
"Were you scared?"
"I don't think that even needs to be a question. Of course I was scared, getting sucked out of your spaceship isn't ideal."
"What do you hope will happen now?"
"I hope that justice can be upheld to those who deserve it."
"What do you have to say to the UN president."
”...”
”So?”
"I have nothing to say. Wouldn't want to waste the air.”
[…]
What followed would be one of the largest scandals in recent political history. At some point an unknown number of classified government documents was leaked onto the internet, and after that it was all over for the Presidency. Thousands of enterprising humans, and aliens alike, viewed the documents to discover all the underhanded and dirty things which had been going on in the UN governmental body over the past few years. Forensic accounting experts (mostly Tesraki), uncovered plenty of fiscal tampering which shed light on plenty of isolationist related projects and bank accounts. There was even evidence that they had something to do with the original assassination attempt against Admiral Vir so many months ago. The drama had even managed to capture the attention of Rundi political experts and Vrul computer science geniuses, and together they unearthed a world of unfathomable, but not unexpected corruption. The process to remove the UN president from office was probably one of the fastest movements of human government ever seen by UN congressional leaders, who were likely trying their very best to distance themselves from association with the president, who despite not being the only one involved, had become the political scapegoat for everyone else that had a supposed link with isolationism.
Even the VP fell under suspicion and was watched closely for the rest of his term.
Admiral Massie and the UN President were placed under arrest and set up for court dates in the nearing future, though everyone saw a long and arduous litigation process ahead. Even Ramirez's family had filed for damages against the government after the news came to light, confirming that their son had been shot as collateral in one of the UN presidents plans to assassinate Admiral Vir. They settled out of court to the tune of an unknown, but impressive sum of money.
No one really knew how much, but a couple months later Ramirez's younger sister was seen training at one of the most prestigious Olympic academies on earth.
Ramirez himself was suddenly able to afford housing on the moon in a condo just next door to his best friend, though no one else inquired further.
The Rundi chairwoman came forward with her own investigation, admitting to being suspicious for a long time though she feared accusations without proper proof. Admiral Vir was seen having lunch with her not so many months after the events took place, suggesting that the trust between the two of them had not been completely dissolved. With much of the isolationist element gone from government, public policy began to lean heavily towards integration with the alliance. The occasional isolationist demonstration or protest was held, but none of them managed to gain traction.
Admiral Vir was finding himself more important than ever, though it was to his chagrin that his ship was grounded for the intervening months while the investigation continued.
No one was entirely sure what the future held.
[…]
Admiral Vir stepped into Admiral Kelly's office. The last time he had actually visited her here had been over a few years ago, before his promotion to captain of the Harbinger. It seemed so distant now, and he never expected to walk into her office with a star on his shoulder. She stood as he entered, and the two of them shook hands, ignoring all the stuffy formalities that usually come with the meeting of two military officers.
The wall behind her was decorated with a myriad of metals and awards she had received over her career, and he couldn't help but note the slight tinge of grey he could see forming in her hair. He knew that feeling, he was going prematurely white much to his chagrin. She stood and the two of them shook hands.
"Vir."
"Kelly."
She motioned him to sit, and he sat, sighing lightly as he had been on his feet all day consulting with political figures and other members of the UNSC.
"A strange couple months wouldn't you say?”
"Tell me about it."
Kelly reached under her desk and withdrew an amber bottle which she placed between them,
"I always forget; do you drink?"
"On occasion."
"Well consider this an occasion."
She said, popping off the top and pouring two glasses for them. She handed his across the desk and he leaned back in his seat cupping the cool glass in both hands.
She swirled the amber liquid around in her glass,
"So what are your plans after all this?”
He took a sip of water warmed by the burning liquid,
"Hoping things will go back to normal and I can go back to traveling the galaxy."
Kelly grunted,
"A simple man with simple motivations."
He laughed,
"Sometimes I think a stupid man with simple motivations."
She chuckled then grew serious,
"A lot of people make the mistake of assuming simple people don't have the intelligence to match. Some people assume that trusting means gullible means dumb. Just because we are trusting and expect others to do the right thing is not necessarily a fault. I believe there is a kind of beauty in assuming the fundamental goodness of humanity."
Admiral Vir shook his head,
"How can you after seeing what we have seen?”
"How can you not?"
She shrugged,
"We always knew that politicians were corrupt, but think about everything else we have seen."
Admiral Vir nodded slowly,
"The enthusiasm for the Apollo 11 recreation mission, the people who flew up to help us. All of those people who went digging through years of information just to uncover the truth."
She raised her glass,
"Precisely. Goodness in humanity is all around us, but we tend to overlook the good in favor of the bad."
She placed her hat on the desk and sighed,
"It is up to good people to keep their goodness going even when it might seem easier to give into the bad. I have and will always believe in the fundamental good of humanity. Some may call it naive, or even stupid. Others have said I have a romanticized view of a species that is fundamentally broken."
She turned her head to look out the window, a contemplative expression on her face before turning back to look at Adam.
"You understand me, I think."
He nodded slowly.
"People need to be believed in. You tell someone for long enough that they are fundamentally bad at their core and they will begin to believe you. For thousands of years pessimists have gotten it into our heads that we are no better than animals, worse even since animals don't fight in wars. But I believe that is wrong, I have seen people, I have met people, and I have interacted with people who prove to me that humanity cannot just be fundamentally bad or else these people wouldn't exist."
She tapped her nails against the glass,
"I think it is easier to corrupt purity than wash away a stain."
He listened quietly as she continued.
"Humans are born good, Adam, and life stains us. We aren't born stained while some of us are wiped clean."
She shook her head,
"Doesn't make sense to me."
She caught him with a look, pinning him to the spot with her intense stare,
"People like you convince me of this every day."
"Me!?..."
She held up a hand.
"Adam Vir, I am convinced that the best outcome this universe ever had, was when a happy go lucky science fiction freak was lucky enough to be the first man to meet aliens. Any other way things would have gone horribly wrong."
She leaned across her desk,
"The universe needs men and women like you, and not only that but the universe needs people who are going to support men and women like you."
She sat back,
"Which is why I have made a decision…"
He raised an eyebrow in curiosity, not entirely sure where this could be going.
She smiled,
"I have decided to run for UN President."
He nearly spit his mouthful of expensive scotch onto the table, but managed to choke it mostly down.
Eyes wide he set his glass down,
"Are you serious?”
She smiled,
"Seriously serious."
"Well shit, you have my vote for sure."
He raised his glass to her,
"I couldn't think of a better outcome."
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Want to find a specific one, see the whole list or check fanart?
Here is the link to the master-post.
Intro post by me
OC-whole collection
Patreon of the author
Thanks for reading! As you saw in the title, this is a cross posted story written by starrfallknightrise and I'll just upload some of it here for you guys, if you are interested and want to read ahead, the original story-collection can be found on tumblr or wattpad to read for free. (link above this text under "OC:..." ) It is the Empyrean Iris story collection by starfallknightrise. Also, if you want to know more about the story collection i made an intro post about it, so feel free to check that out to see what other great characters to look forward to! (Link also above this text). I have no affiliations to the author; just thought I’d share some of the great stories you might enjoy a lot!
Obviously, I have Charlie’s permission to post this and for the people already knowing the stories, or starting to read them: If you follow the link and check out the story you will see some differences. I made some small (non-artistic) changes, mainly correcting writing mistakes, pronoun correction and some small additional info here and there of things which were not thought of/forgotten or even were added/changed in later stories (like the “USS->UNSC” prefix of Stabby, Chalar=/->Sunny etc). As well as some "biggemajor" changes in descriptions and info’s for the same stringency/continuity reason. That can be explained by the story collection being, well a story collection at the start with many standalone-stories just starring the same people, but later on it gets more to a stringent storyline with backstories and throwbacks. (For example Adam Vir has some HEAVY scars over his body, following his bones, which were not really talked about up till half the collection, where it says it covers his whole body and you find out via backflash that he had them the whole time and how he got them, they just weren't mentioned before. However, I would think a doctor would at least see these scars before that, especially since he gets analyzed, treated and goes shirtless/in T-shirts in some stories). So TLDR: Writing and some descriptions are slightly changed, with full OK from the author, since he himself did not bother to correct these things before.

Do not post anywhere else.
I'm so sad I have to come here. If you see my history, you'd be able to tell that I have a huge MIL problem. For context, me and my SO are not married, but have been together for 6.5 years, living together for 6. We have just welcomed home our rainbow baby after a stillbirth 2 years ago.
SO's family are narcissistic, the typical toxic household of entitled and abusive behaviour. He moved out before we met, but only down the road. So they live 2 minutes away. Between our stillborn child and our rainbow baby being born (15 months between them), I saw his family TWICE. I received no messages from them, the contact was once every 7.5 months. Now they feel entitled to see us (or rather our baby) every week or two. This is not okay with me.
SO seemed to have a grip on their behaviour before I got pregnant, so I had no worries. He stood up to them. Now it seems like he has gone backwards and has lost whatever spine he had. I am so disappointed.
I asked him to tell them I won't have visitors for 2 weeks after giving birth. When they did visit, there would be no kissing of the baby. We also would not take unsolicited advice.
He did not communicate this to them. This resulted in his mother hounding his phone when we were still in hospital, demanding information, begging to come and see us, telling us we were being weird and must not be proud of our baby. SO muted her, but only until we got home.
We (I) let them come over when baby was 3 weeks old. Those 3 weeks were full of demands to see her. Oh, I almost forgot, we did walk baby over in the pram so they could see them, when baby was 10 days old. I was still healing from 2nd degree tear. We stayed outside and because MIL didn't get to hold baby, it 'didn't count' as meeting them! This boils my blood and SO said nothing.
We have visited twice more (baby is almost 4 months). They have kissed my baby on all visits, apart from one where SO said they couldn't because of FIL's cough. Well no, that isn't our boundary, it's no kissing at all! It happened quickly all times, and I felt it was SO's place to correct his family. Clearly I was wrong.
MIL demands to hold baby regardless of how baby is. She demands us to take baby to see them. She will ask every week. She makes comments on how long it's been (7 weeks now). SO came home in the week (he works for FIL and does paperwork at their house, where MIL lives) in a horrible mood. He didn't say what was wrong until later on, so I was anxious until then. He says he feels like a d*ck whenever his family ask to see our baby, because he can't give them an answer. I don't know why he can't say no to them. He says because they'll demand an answer. He doesn't know how to grey rock.
The problem is, I have made my feelings clear. It's like he forgets my feelings when he talks to or sees his family. I don't know why he has lost his spine. It's been constant since baby was born, he knows he can't please everyone yet he still feels like he is in the middle. I feel like he should be putting us first.
The final straw was today, when he took baby out to see his Dad who had arrived to pick him up for work. He stood in the road with her talking to him through his van window, then lifted baby up so he could kiss them. I was fuming. He brought baby back to me and I told him off. He said he forgot.
On the weekend, he asked again because MIL asked WHEN she can come over, not IF. He said to baby "I don't know if you'll ever see Grandma again". I left the room. He followed and said "I' doing it again aren't I?".
He knows he is a people pleaser. He knows we should come first. He has lost his spine and I don't know how to get him to grow it again. I feel so unhappy, and angry that my motherhood journey is being ruined.
I don't want to leave him, we are going to be moving away from the area in the next couple of years, not right now due to finances. He knows how toxic they are, and he is training for a new career so he can leave the family business. He's had other interviews they don't know about.
Leaving is the last option, if not only due to the fact I do not want him going over to his family with baby without me there, because he can't protect her.
I feel like his mother's surrogate. I'm not enjoying life here. I need to communicate this to him. Oh, I' m also on antidepressants because of all of this, following my stillbirth and pregnancy after loss. I'm' so tired and disappointed.

Hello all. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Approximately a month and a half ago, I started experiencing some concerning GI symptoms which were mainly attributed to stress at the time due to what I had going on... I definitely did have an increase in stress at that time. Ultrasounds were done which showed a complex ovarian cyst and a small, simple liver cyst. I cannot get in to my GI specialist until July 22nd. So at that time, a physician that I worked with said I probably had gastritis and silent GERD and recommended Nexium 20mg twice a day. I started that on 4/19. Within 4-5 days I noticed my heart rate becoming elevated considerably over what it typically is when I lift weights in the morning. For reference, I am a 38 year old female and I have routinely done work outs 5 days a week for the past ten years. My heart rate when weight lifting is typically 90's to MAYBE 110 at the highest. My heart rate was leaping into the 120's-130's. No chest pain. Just increased fatigue. Heart rhythm did not feel irregular (I am a nurse, so I can thankfully tell that when manually checking my pulse). I reached out to the physician who advised that I take the Nexium and he told me that he did not think the Nexium was causing my issues. So I continued to take it as he advised until completion on 05/03. Last week, I noticed my heart rate was elevated at 105 when I first got up from bed in the morning. Just standing at the sink and washing my face, it would be like 112. So I called and had a telehealth visit with my personal physician (who also had recommended I take "Prilosec or something for a little while"). I told her what was going on. She told me that "rapid heart rate is one of the more serious side effects of Nexium and it should have been discontinued when you noticed it." I was referred to a cardiologist but they are booked until 06/13. This week, my heart rate has been more normal in the mornings when I first get up (typically 80's) but when I exercise, my heart rate still spikes above my normal. This morning it jumped up to 137 but then when I stood still, it quickly dropped to 101. When I do my 3 mile walk in the afternoons/evenings, my heart rate is typically in the 90's. My resting heart rate is usually 60's-70's and has remained so throughout the day for the most part. It just seems elevated in the mornings, mainly, and in the evenings sometimes after a larger meal. I would think if the problem was the Nexium, it would certainly be out of my system by now. This is just all very odd and concerning to me. I am here to vent, request advice, and hopefully connect with someone else who can relate and perhaps help ease my anxiety while I wait a month for that cardiology appointment. I will say I received a clean bill of health in February, lab work was PERFECT, and I do not have any known health conditions outside of IBS and now possibly silent GERD I guess. I do not take medications outside of: 1. A multivitamin daily, 2. Align probiotic daily, 3. Enzymedica Digest Gold + ATPro, Maximum Strength twice a day before breakfast and dinner. 4. Natural Flow 4X Magnesium Supplement, Magnesium Taurate, Glycinate, Malate, Orotate Complex, Calm Sleep and Cramp Support Blend, No Mag Citrate or Oxide - two capsules with dinner. I started taking the Magnesium as a precaution because Nexium can deplete it over time.
Thank you again for your time.

Small family really struggling with 2 out of control Staffies. Will give plenty of information below.
Bit of context, my partner and I have had our dogs for about 10 years. They were always a bit of a handful, a little bit naughty from time to time as staffies could be but overall we loved them and they were still our world. One of the staffies we’ll call staffy 1 has severe separation anxiety and is extremely food obsessed plus the naughtier one out the two and will continuously bark and howl if he’s anywhere near us but can’t get to our feet. We can’t even talk to the neighbours out the front of our house without him trying to run through a door or gate to try and get to us. It’s embarrassing and infuriating and I’ll find myself avoiding the neighbours or spending time out the front as I know he won’t stop carrying on until I’m back. When we get home whenever it is he’ll continuously bark at us until we’re able to get close enough to greet him and the other problem is he’s now making our other staffy follow his lead and act the same way. He’ll stalk our kids and do anything to get there food, put him outside and he’ll bark and howl for as long as it takes until we let him back in. Tell him to get on his bed (which he does) turn our back and he’s away again. We’ve lost control of him and the disobedience drives us wild.
We’ve stopped inviting any guests around to our house because staffy 1 will constantly attack (in a playful way) staffy 2 and will continuously try and hump staffy 2 and won’t let her get anywhere near whoever is in our home. Anyone outside our family who enters our home sends staffy 1 stupid even after we give him tramadol. I honestly thought he’d grow out of it but he’s 10 and acts like a puppy still. Put them outside and it’s like a war between them trying to get back inside the house to us and our guests and myself and my partner are deep down raging at them and can’t relax or enjoy the company of our guests.
The second staffy (number 2) is a really kind natured and beautiful dog with any human, unfortunately she was attacked at a park when she was younger and ever since then has been extremely reactive and wants to attack any dog that is in her vicinity. Our neighbours have a dog next door and we are constantly having to break up these fights that happen at our fence between our dogs and there’s, it’s honestly exhausting.
Over the last week or so one of them has just started pissing inside the house, even tho they’re both toilet trained and for forever have let us know when they need to go to the toilet! My 4 year old slipped over on one of them tonight and bit his tongue.. This was the last straw for which I’m starting to seek help.
I’m too loyal to them to get rid of them and I honestly couldn’t live with myself at the thought of them having to adjust to a new home so we’re basically just stuck in this repetitive cycle of yelling at our dogs everyday, getting triggered as soon as we walk in the door and them fucking up our house and backyard.
Please I’m not looking for any piss takers, I know this could seem funny to some people but we’re just two parents with two young kids trying to get by and live in peace. For which we currently are unable to.
We have tried drugs thats supposed to calm them, didn’t really work plus I didn’t like seeing them zonked like zombies. Can’t walk them because they go crazy at other dogs plus having them in the car is an absolute nightmare. Have tried basic training at home with treats etc but we weren’t successful and don’t even know where to begin trying to untrain some of these horrible habits they both have.
Any recommendations for trainers or advice is very much welcomed, thanks for reading.