The bellowing ring of the galleon's bell cuts clear through the clouds before its prow does, the baby blue sky joined with the rich umber of a hull following a long series of Clang... Clang... Clang. A careful eye might notice the gashed rips of claws in the half-drawn sails, but not many eyes are careful. Excitement has been the watchword of the day, the restlessness of the Guildhall practically bubbling over in confirmed anticipation of the vessel's arrival. Regardless of what might be below decks and upon newly minted charts there is one price coveted above all earned by the returning crew: Stories. More vital to your guild than any cargo is what that ship brings everywhere it goes. The bellowing ring of the galleon's bell cuts clear through the clouds before its prow does, the baby blue sky joined with the rich umber of a hull following a long series of Clang... Clang... Clang. A careful eye might notice the gashed rips of claws in the half-drawn sails, but not many eyes are careful. Excitement has been the watchword of the day, the restlessness of the Guildhall practically bubbling over in confirmed anticipation of the vessel's arrival. Regardless of what might be below decks and upon newly minted charts there is one price coveted above all earned by the returning crew: Stories. More vital to your guild than any cargo is what that ship brings everywhere it goes. Wonder*.*
Hi! I'm Ellory (They/she), DM of 8 years, and I'd like to be yours! DnD 5e was my very first exposure to TTRPGs and since then I've enjoyed a great many systems, but always will 5E have a very special place in my heart. I believe that the PCs are the main characters of the story that we all tell together, guided by my own work of set dressing and plot writing. I asked my players if they had anything to say for my DMing abilities, so I'll let them speak for me!

Reviews!

• "I've always believed that the single most important rule of any tabletop game is to have fun, and Ellory has mastered this rule. She's a top class Dungeon Master who has provided me with some of the greatest tabletop memories I've ever had. They've crafted some of the most heart pounding action, soul jerking sorrow, and joyous celebration I've felt at the table." -Tyler
• "Ellory is, by far, the best DM I have ever had. I have been playing at their table for 4+ years in a wide variety of systems and settings - a 1.5 year long campaign in a home-brewed world in DnD 5e, a 2-year-long campaign of Vampire: the Masquerade, and a variety of one-shots and short campaigns in other systems. I will likely continue to play at their table for the next decade or longer. I have played with a number of different storytellers and dungeon masters, and none of them have ever demonstrated the same level of care for the enjoyment of their players, nor for their world. Their voice-acting is varied, their passion for the story is noticeable, and their flexibility to account for players' desires is impressive." -Kaitlyn
• "Ellory's style of DM'ing immerses you in worlds that are vibrant, detailed, and dynamic. Every NPC in their games feels individually unique, with their own motives and plans, making interactions deeply engaging and often leading to unexpected twists and turns. Ellory manages to strike a perfect balance between long over-arching storylines and player agency. The plots are compelling and well-structured, providing a sense of purpose. However, they never impose these narratives at the expense of player freedom. Choices matter, and player actions have a genuine impact on the world and its inhabitants. Each player's decisions is woven seamlessly into the broader narrative, making every game feel like a collaborative storytelling effort. Most importantly, after being a part of Ellory's games for years, I still look forward to every session and always leave having had a great time. If you're looking for a great DM whose sessions you eagerly anticipate each week, look no further." -Tanner

Game Details!

As is my wont, I've gone and made another fully fleshed out setting for a brand new group of players to experience. You will play as the explorers at the horizon, agents of The Cartographer's Guild. Maps are very important when you have to worry about another island, however distant, on a collision course with your house. And while map making is less than dramatic, the real main event is the exploration of never-before-seen chunks of land that haven't seen a soul in generations. Forgotten tombs and harrowing dungeons, isolated villages and monster nests await our intrepid voyagers, getting rich off of history before it kills them.
There's a fair bit of lore that would make this ad far and away overstuffed. If you're interested to learn the lore of creation, see a glimpse of history, and examine the 5 detailed cultures of the world, feel free to peruse this drive folder! https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/117zEVINT4h8qY4dkA3O5EU9J2VDrXPNY?usp=sharing
Generally speaking, our format of play will involved downtime at the Guildhall with our characters unwinding from the last expedition and preparing for the next. From there, exploration will ensue with brief but enriching and immersing random encounters until a plot encounter is discovered. Following its resolution our heroes will return to base and so the cycle repeats, with some glaring exceptions when player decision calls for it.
I have a handful of ideas for an overarching narrative, but our final choice will be made collaboratively and in accordance with player interest and backstory considerations.
I accept any and all classes from officially published material, though your selection of lineage/race will be more limited to fit the lore of the setting. Your options will include:

• Humans, the Tribe Undivided
• Dwarves, the Tribe of Earth
• Drau-shi, the Tribe of Water
• Rani, the Tribe of Fire
• Elves, the Tribe of Air

Even the familiar names of the above list do have occasionally significant alterations from the PHB to reflect their unique standing in the Shattered Skies.

Logistics & Requirements!

This game will require payment to the Game Master at a rate of $20 per session excepting absences and session zero delivered through Venmo, Cash App, or Zelle.
Roll20 will be used for the purposes of tactical combat encounter maps, dice rolling, and character sheet management. Discord will be used for voice and video communications. I will be using my camera for our sessions so I can talk with my hands and face alongside my voice, and I would encourage you to do the same! I have a server made and prepared for this game.
My timezone is CST, and I'm entirely available on Saturday to make a session time work around whatever our schedules allow for. I'm partial to evening start times myself. I'm hoping our (free) session zero can happen on the 25th and we can begin play properly on the 1st of June.
If you're paying for sessions of DnD it's a fair assumption you're over the age of 18, and I would prefer you're at least that old. Exceptions can be made, but my games tend to be adult and include elements of occasionally disturbing horror.
I expect y'all to have fun, and if that involves drug or alcohol use for you I'd ask the dial to be set to somewhere around 3 out of 10. I've been known to have a glass of wine during sessions but never anything more.
Safety tools will be utilized to maintain a safe environment where everyone is having comfortable fun. Lines and veils will be established, and mine is an open table. If you knowingly violate a line it is grounds for ejection without refund. There is a certain amount of emotional trust we give our players and our DMs when we play this game, and it will not be betrayed.
Furthermore, this is an explicitly LGBT friendly space. I'm queer in multiple ways and queer identities will be portrayed in the NPCs of the world. If either of those things are deal breakers for you, please look elsewhere for a game.

In Closing!

If this game has piqued your interest, shoot me a message on Reddit or find me on discord at "teslazoa"!

The bellowing ring of the galleon's bell cuts clear through the clouds before its prow does, the baby blue sky joined with the rich umber of a hull following a long series of Clang... Clang... Clang. A careful eye might notice the gashed rips of claws in the half-drawn sails, but not many eyes are careful. Excitement has been the watchword of the day, the restlessness of the Guildhall practically bubbling over in confirmed anticipation of the vessel's arrival. Regardless of what might be below decks and upon newly minted charts there is one price coveted above all earned by the returning crew: Stories. More vital to your guild than any cargo is what that ship brings everywhere it goes. The bellowing ring of the galleon's bell cuts clear through the clouds before its prow does, the baby blue sky joined with the rich umber of a hull following a long series of Clang... Clang... Clang. A careful eye might notice the gashed rips of claws in the half-drawn sails, but not many eyes are careful. Excitement has been the watchword of the day, the restlessness of the Guildhall practically bubbling over in confirmed anticipation of the vessel's arrival. Regardless of what might be below decks and upon newly minted charts there is one price coveted above all earned by the returning crew: Stories. More vital to your guild than any cargo is what that ship brings everywhere it goes. Wonder*.*
Hi! I'm Ellory (They/she), DM of 8 years, and I'd like to be yours! DnD 5e was my very first exposure to TTRPGs and since then I've enjoyed a great many systems, but always will 5E have a very special place in my heart. I believe that the PCs are the main characters of the story that we all tell together, guided by my own work of set dressing and plot writing. I asked my players if they had anything to say for my DMing abilities, so I'll let them speak for me!

Reviews!

• "I've always believed that the single most important rule of any tabletop game is to have fun, and Ellory has mastered this rule. She's a top class Dungeon Master who has provided me with some of the greatest tabletop memories I've ever had. They've crafted some of the most heart pounding action, soul jerking sorrow, and joyous celebration I've felt at the table." -Tyler
• "Ellory is, by far, the best DM I have ever had. I have been playing at their table for 4+ years in a wide variety of systems and settings - a 1.5 year long campaign in a home-brewed world in DnD 5e, a 2-year-long campaign of Vampire: the Masquerade, and a variety of one-shots and short campaigns in other systems. I will likely continue to play at their table for the next decade or longer. I have played with a number of different storytellers and dungeon masters, and none of them have ever demonstrated the same level of care for the enjoyment of their players, nor for their world. Their voice-acting is varied, their passion for the story is noticeable, and their flexibility to account for players' desires is impressive." -Kaitlyn
• "Ellory's style of DM'ing immerses you in worlds that are vibrant, detailed, and dynamic. Every NPC in their games feels individually unique, with their own motives and plans, making interactions deeply engaging and often leading to unexpected twists and turns. Ellory manages to strike a perfect balance between long over-arching storylines and player agency. The plots are compelling and well-structured, providing a sense of purpose. However, they never impose these narratives at the expense of player freedom. Choices matter, and player actions have a genuine impact on the world and its inhabitants. Each player's decisions is woven seamlessly into the broader narrative, making every game feel like a collaborative storytelling effort. Most importantly, after being a part of Ellory's games for years, I still look forward to every session and always leave having had a great time. If you're looking for a great DM whose sessions you eagerly anticipate each week, look no further." -Tanner

Game Details!

As is my wont, I've gone and made another fully fleshed out setting for a brand new group of players to experience. You will play as the explorers at the horizon, agents of The Cartographer's Guild. Maps are very important when you have to worry about another island, however distant, on a collision course with your house. And while map making is less than dramatic, the real main event is the exploration of never-before-seen chunks of land that haven't seen a soul in generations. Forgotten tombs and harrowing dungeons, isolated villages and monster nests await our intrepid voyagers, getting rich off of history before it kills them.
There's a fair bit of lore that would make this ad far and away overstuffed. If you're interested to learn the lore of creation, see a glimpse of history, and examine the 5 detailed cultures of the world, feel free to peruse this drive folder! https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/117zEVINT4h8qY4dkA3O5EU9J2VDrXPNY?usp=sharing
Generally speaking, our format of play will involved downtime at the Guildhall with our characters unwinding from the last expedition and preparing for the next. From there, exploration will ensue with brief but enriching and immersing random encounters until a plot encounter is discovered. Following its resolution our heroes will return to base and so the cycle repeats, with some glaring exceptions when player decision calls for it.
I have a handful of ideas for an overarching narrative, but our final choice will be made collaboratively and in accordance with player interest and backstory considerations.
I accept any and all classes from officially published material, though your selection of lineage/race will be more limited to fit the lore of the setting. Your options will include:

• Humans, the Tribe Undivided
• Dwarves, the Tribe of Earth
• Drau-shi, the Tribe of Water
• Rani, the Tribe of Fire
• Elves, the Tribe of Air

Even the familiar names of the above list do have occasionally significant alterations from the PHB to reflect their unique standing in the Shattered Skies.

Logistics & Requirements!

This game will require payment to the Game Master at a rate of $20 per session excepting absences and session zero delivered through Venmo, Cash App, or Zelle.
Roll20 will be used for the purposes of tactical combat encounter maps, dice rolling, and character sheet management. Discord will be used for voice and video communications. I will be using my camera for our sessions so I can talk with my hands and face alongside my voice, and I would encourage you to do the same! I have a server made and prepared for this game.
My timezone is CST, and I'm entirely available on Saturday to make a session time work around whatever our schedules allow for. I'm partial to evening start times myself. I'm hoping our (free) session zero can happen on the 25th and we can begin play properly on the 1st of June.
If you're paying for sessions of DnD it's a fair assumption you're over the age of 18, and I would prefer you're at least that old. Exceptions can be made, but my games tend to be adult and include elements of occasionally disturbing horror.
I expect y'all to have fun, and if that involves drug or alcohol use for you I'd ask the dial to be set to somewhere around 3 out of 10. I've been known to have a glass of wine during sessions but never anything more.
Safety tools will be utilized to maintain a safe environment where everyone is having comfortable fun. Lines and veils will be established, and mine is an open table. If you knowingly violate a line it is grounds for ejection without refund. There is a certain amount of emotional trust we give our players and our DMs when we play this game, and it will not be betrayed.
Furthermore, this is an explicitly LGBT friendly space. I'm queer in multiple ways and queer identities will be portrayed in the NPCs of the world. If either of those things are deal breakers for you, please look elsewhere for a game.

In Closing!

If this game has piqued your interest, shoot me a message on Reddit or find me on discord at "teslazoa"!

Firstly, let me start off saying I can code, I'm a fullstack developer and this is the first time I've wondered 'What if I didn't write any code this time..?', and I've been impressed! Below is a breakdown of the product, and my experience so far. I'm happy to answer any questions!
I’ve been building apps for nearly 10 years, each of which have been featured by Apple. The main thing that’s helped me iterate and improve them is getting user feedback, as users always manage to pick up on things you never notice when you’re designing or building the project. The problem is that it costs $30-50 to get the feedback and can take days to arrange. This is why I’ve created Feedback Labs: Instant human-quality feedback, at 1% of the cost.
Yes, it’s AI. And yes, I know it doesn’t replace getting real user feedback. But it’s actually insane how good this is. The AI generates detailed personas so that it can simulate what a real user would think going through the flow, and it picks up on things I’ve overlooked all the time. You can get feedback from multiple personas at the same time, which allows you to iterate on your designs in minutes instead of days.
This is now my workflow: Design in Figma -> Drop it into Feedback Labs and get feedback from 5-10 different personas -> Tweak the designs -> Repeat those steps if necessary -> Build the product. It’s saved me so much time. And this is only just the beginning.
So far, this has all been built using Bubble.io and multiple plugins. I've definitely got a lot further than I expected. Certain things that are easy in programming have been an absolute pain with Bubble, such as creating UUID's. Although aside from that I've had a blast! As a developer, I can definitely see the benefit the using No-Code and I'm excited to see how can I can push this. I'd imagine I will need to rebuild all of this in code as some point but at least I'll be able to prove out the idea and monetise before I do that.
This week I’m also adding the ability for it to summarize the multiple bits of feedback and relay it into a score since I typically get feedback from 5 or so personas at the same time. Then I think I’ll add a Figma integration to directly upload designs to it. https://feedbacklabs.ai/
If you have any questions around using Bubble.io let me know!

Firstly, let me start off saying I can code, I'm a fullstack developer and this is the first time I've wondered 'What if I didn't write any code this time..?', and I've been impressed!
I’ve been building apps for nearly 10 years, each of which have been featured by Apple. The main thing that’s helped me iterate and improve them is getting user feedback, as users always manage to pick up on things you never notice when you’re designing or building the project. The problem is that it costs $30-50 to get the feedback and can take days to arrange. This is why I’ve created Feedback Labs: Instant human-quality feedback, at 1% of the cost.
Yes, it’s AI. And yes, I know it doesn’t replace getting real user feedback. But it’s actually insane how good this is. The AI generates detailed personas so that it can simulate what a real user would think going through the flow, and it picks up on things I’ve overlooked all the time. You can get feedback from multiple personas at the same time, which allows you to iterate on your designs in minutes instead of days.
This is now my workflow: Design in Figma -> Drop it into Feedback Labs and get feedback from 5-10 different personas -> Tweak the designs -> Repeat those steps if necessary -> Build the product. It’s saved me so much time. And this is only just the beginning.
So far, this has all been built using Bubble.io and multiple plugins. I've definitely got a lot further than I expected. Certain things that are easy in programming have been an absolute pain with Bubble, such as creating UUID's. Although aside from that I've had a blast!
This week I’m also adding the ability for it to summarize the multiple bits of feedback and relay it into a score since I typically get feedback from 5 or so personas at the same time. Then I think I’ll add a Figma integration to directly upload designs to it. It's free to try out and I’d love to hear your thoughts and what other features you’d like to see next! https://feedbacklabs.ai/

Hi all,
I have a wingtsung 699 and like writing with it, and not filling it often. It has developed a couple of issues over time, the ink feed gets interrupted by air bubbles and the plastic cap that is in the cap to keep the nib from drying out fell out.
I am using it for journaling in the morning, 3 pages, and like just not having to fill up the pen all the time.
Any recommendations on other pens that might fit the bill? Large capacity vacuum or piston filler?
Thanks

Hi fellow Redditors!
First of all, we want to say a massive thank you to everyone for your incredible feedback on our app launch a few days ago. To be completely honest we had absolutely no idea whether anyone would even read our post let alone download the app but we’re super happy to say over the last few days we have had several hundred people download Goalquest and a bunch of people provided thoughts/feedback. Your thoughts/feedback on look & feel, usability etc. have been unbelievably helpful in helping us shape GoalQuest into an app that would be genuinely useful to you, or to anyone else who is looking to achieve their goals / general self improvement journey.
Upcoming updates
Based on your feedback, we’ve been hard at work implementing some key improvements. Here’s what we’ve updated from just the last few day’s feedback:

• Onboarding:
  • Reduced upfront requirements to enter data such as weight and height during onboarding
  • Added the ability to select "Other" as a gender
  • Fixed the issue with entering name/email on multiple lines
• Text & readability:
  • Increased font size for better readability
  • Increased the speed of the text in the speech bubbles
• Integrated Android gestures:
  • Made the Android back button work as expected in addition to the back button at the top left of the screen
  • You can now swipe from the right or left edge of the screen to go back a step, instead of using the back button at the top left
  • Added swipe left twice to exit the app, a feature many Android users are familiar with

The update is now available on android and should be available on iOS in the coming day
Feedback so far
A massive thank you to the people who gave great feedback. Here are some things people seemed to enjoy:

• The different approach to setting and achieving goals rather than a typical tick-off list
• The story & journey guide, rather than just an app that just lets you write / plan / schedule stuff
• The cute characters
• The fun / colourful / non-corporate design (one person did say it was 'childish' and 'non-professional' - which is completely OK and we appreciate hearing all feedback :) )
• Most have been loving the fun / colourful / non-corporate design... although, one person dubbed it "childish" and "non-professional." No hard feelings, though! We're all about embracing different opinions—it keeps things interesting and helps us make GoalQuest even better!

Future update suggestions
Features that people would like to see added:

• Connecting with apple/health, google fit, Garmin, FitBit etc.
• Widgets

Of course, this is the beginning not the end, so we're not stopping here! Moving forward, our plan is to regularly post updates about the improvements and features we're working on. Our goal is to build a product that people actually find useful and makes a tangible impact to their lives. We firmly believe in building this app alongside our users, and your feedback will continue to be a cornerstone of our development efforts.
Once again, thank you so much for everyone who downloaded GoalQuest and gave it a go, and a special thank you for those that gave valuable input, and a special special thank you to the few people who gave us an App Store / Play Store review 🌟 :) We genuinely appreciate everyone’s efforts and time!

Hey guys! I don’t know what to name this post but it’s a complicated story I guess.. I’m also not great at English😅
Sooo me (F~25) and my ex (M~30) broke up cause we were fighting, we didn’t communicated, he was hurting me and I was hurting him. We were not in a happy place together and we both didn’t feel good and had depression. I wanted to fight for us but he is the “leave me alone in my own bubble” kind of guy. Of course i was hurt and sad about this, he is still my dream man and I love him with all my heart. I’m just not in love with this guy, he is my person. I just feel like he is such a good person, he inspires me and makes me want to be a better person. It’s weird to say but he is really my best friend and we have so much fun together, even when we are a couple or not.. I felt sad when we broke up, I just lost my soulmat. I wanted comfort and attention and also wanted to move on. So I started dating. I met a few guys, went on dates and had s3x. During we were no longer a couple we would hang out, watch movies ect like friends. We had a really good friendship for a while and then started to “date” again. It was confusing because we didn’t say anything about our break and friendship and started fighting again since I kept meeting some guys. I felt like it was just a “friends with benefits” since he told me he didn’t like me when we broke up and never said then he started to again. I also thought he was meeting other. One night we were out partying, we got drunk and started arguing again. He asked me how many guys I have been with, told me that my “bc list” is growing, in what town the guys lived and what there names were. I gave fake answers cause 1, I thought the fight would end there 2, he has nothing to do with it 3, I might felt I little ashamed since he slutshamed me and 4, I was also drunk and wanted some payback I guess.. After that he told me a bunch of things he had done with other girls, not on our break tho but prior we met. I just brushed it away cause I knew he was drunk and gets really mean when he drinks since his depression. After that night we didn’t have any contact for some weeks and by this time I really got a reality check. I then realized that I’m a toxic parter and felt so bad for everything bad I’ve done to him, both before the breakup, after and during the party. Therefore I started really working on myself and I fought myself and my instincts to be a good person. Eventually we started seeing each other AGAIN and this time I felt like I was really good. I asked for forgiveness so many times and told him that I understand that he can’t trust me or forgive me right away but that I will keep on working and proving for him that he is the one. We had some really good months and I was not seeing anyone else and I really wasn’t interested in anything else that proving myself to him. But yet again he closed me out and was angry at me again.. He told me that he couldn’t let go of the past. Since I’ve worked so much on myself I felt that this was unfair. He was the one that asked me about stuff, I told him this and that the answer were fake. He didn’t believe me, told me that he would never asked me those questions and questioned why I lied and assumed that the number was higher than what I told him. I also felt that it was unfair because I didn’t see how much I have changed and how much better I have became since he was so trapped in the past. Of course I yet again told him that I understand if he can’t trust me but it is unfair to only see my bad/old side and not who I am now. Now I don’t know what to do. I know that he is toxic and I shouldn’t want to get back to him. But I miss my best friend..
This was a fkn long ass post so I hope someone had patience with my bad writing and English.

Hello again! I’m not sure if you’ve seen my other posts about a fandom roleplay but this one is gonna be about any roleplay in general, fandoms included. This’ll be pretty detailed and I’ll let you know the parts if you want to skip ahead (I suggest you don’t). If you don’t wanna read all of this, then don’t. This was made for people willing to read blocks of paragraphs and maybe even respond with their own.
INTRODUCTION
My name is Hina. To know more about me, I hail from Japan and I have been an avid writer ever since I moved to the States when I was 11. My second language is English but I believe it’s been pretty good. I recently turned 22 years old and I'm female. Talking about age, I would be comfortable with you being 17+ and preferably at least 20. Roleplaying with minors isn’t a big thing for me, I apologize. I’m in the west coast, PST timezone. Let’s see.. What other information can I give you? I would say I enjoy skating, basketball, watching tv shows and anime, and reading. My favorite anime is Nana and Death Note.
GENRES + FANDOM
I am not looking for a specific roleplay. I would say i’m skilled in all genres. Sci-fi, fantasy, horror, apocalypse. All of that. Even slice of life, though that depends on what type of plot exactly. To be more specific on each genre, starting off with fantasy, I'm more used to high fantasy and mythology. I’m not that great with medieval, unfortunately. DnD based role plays aren’t really fit for me and I struggle playing with species like ogres. Just putting that out here. For fantasy, I don’t have any specific ideas.
Sci-fi is the genre I have more skill in. Most of my roleplays are based off of them! Specifically, I’m fine with all subgenres of that.
For other genres like horror and apocalypse, I do have some taste. I really like monsters and creepy things from the horror genre like vampires and all of that and I even have my own idea set up in older times dealing with vampire lords and hunters and all of that. I also enjoy eldritch type horror. I also like that one sun genre of it, like video game horror? I’m not sure how to describe it. I also forgot if it even has an official name or if it’s just something used to describe the horror genre. I like Resident Evil, so maybe that’ll tell you the type of horror I usually enjoy. I do have a developed idea of something more eldritch horror.
More on fandoms! To get some other things down, I usually only play OC unless the character you want me to play is one I know more about and I'm more comfortable playing. The fandoms I like in the more anime way are Jojo’s, Nana, Death Note, JJK, AOT, Haikyuu, and probably more. I’m well versed in the Jojo’s, Aot, and JJK fandoms but less knowledgeable on Death Note since i’ve only seen it once. Other fandoms i’m in include ATLA, TLOK, Harry Potter, Resident Evil, Marvel, DC, and many more.
CHARACTERS
I tend to use character sheets to describe my character, these usually consist of names, background, and personality. More so on appearances, I prefer using animated or drawn references than real life people. I enjoy good enough references where I get the idea of how the character would look like.
The types of characters I write are either the lone wolf type that has some sad past which leads them to want to join someone for a redemption arc or the bubbly character who is the one that brings the mood up and is usually seen as trustworthy and of that kind.
I like all types of tropes, especially enemies to lovers or rivalry. I also really enjoy opposites attract as a whole from either opposite personality or something else they would be opposites in. Enemies to lovers takes my heart, though. I love seeing the characters go past the urge to ultimately hate each other and/or go past their usual way of disliking the others lineage or upcoming.
REQUIREMENT
I think this is my last paragraph on the roleplay. It’s the most important, at least. Requirements. All roleplay searches come with them. Or at least that’s what I heard! But don’t fret, there isn’t much.
I’ve seen this as one of the most used requirements, and I agree with it. As someone who’s first language wasn’t English, I understand that you may not be great at it. But please, I do require a partner that at least has proper use of grammar and punctuation. You don’t even have to use big words or anything, just at least know where to put your periods and the placement of your words.
My second requirement is for you to be LITERATE! Please. I’m a big writer, I tend to ramble on and tend to write more than what I thought I would. (like i’m doing right now) I write multiple paragraphs from the starter until the scene relaxes. I also understand that sometimes writing big blocks of words every response is tiring or boring so I don’t expect it all the time, at least after the starter has been made and in more important scenes. Dialogue also cuts my replies shorter.
Please please please be polite in OOC! We may just be role playing together but kindness goes all ways. If we do include OOC, I enjoy talking about many things. My day, movies, games, funny moments and stories, all of that!
I think that’s the end to this wonderful journey of an ad about my search. I hope you are still here, fellow writer! I would LOVE it if you reached out to me! This wasn’t all for nothing, right!
But don’t leave yet! I do have a passcode. I know this was a jumble of words and rambling but I still have to put one in. I heard that there’s a lot of people on here that don’t read things fully and miss out on rules or information! But.. Just because you read through this all, I’ll gladly give you options on the passcode! Also please put in an introduction of yourself! Don’t think “Oh maybe I shouldn’t bother this person with too much to read”! I like seeing big blocks.
PASSCODE:
What’s your dream country to travel to and why?
OR
Who’s your favorite TV show / Cartoon / Game / Anime character?
Feel free to pick both! Now, that’s all from me. Please don’t put your request as just “Wanna rp”!

• H 💕

Hello again! I’m not sure if you've read or seen my other posts about roleplays but this one will purely be about Jujutsu Kaisen!
INTRODUCTION
My name is Hina. To know more about me, I was born and raised in Japan and I have been an avid writer ever since I moved to the States when I was 11. My second language is English but I believe it’s been pretty good these days. I recently turned 22 years old and I'm female. Talking about age, I would be comfortable with you being 17+ and preferably at least 20. Roleplaying with minors isn’t a big thing for me, I apologize. I’m in the west coast, PST timezone. Let’s see.. What other information can I give you? I would say I enjoy skating, basketball, watching tv shows and anime, and reading. My favorite anime is Nana and Death Note.
ROLEPLAY
For what i’m looking for, i’d have to say basically anything in the Jujutsu Kaisen universe. Perhaps something done in the Shibuya Arc, or even the Culling Games Arc where are our characters are participating. Or maybe something entirely different. I think it would be cool if our characters were strong on their own and everything was set up in the Culling Games Arc, them having to maybe ally or something. But we can also have it be basically them fighting together to make themselves stronger and then fight new enemies as well. I’m down for ideas!
I’m also down for a Modern AU roleplay with the original characters. Maybe an OC x CC or CC x CC in that case!
CHARACTERS
I tend to use character sheets to describe my character, these usually consist of names, background, and personality. More so on appearances, I prefer using animated or drawn references than real life people. I enjoy good enough references where I get the idea of how the character would look like.
The types of characters I write are either the lone wolf type that has some sad past which leads them to want to join someone for a redemption arc or the bubbly character who is the one that brings the mood up and is usually seen as trustworthy and of that kind.
I like all types of tropes, especially enemies to lovers or rivalry. I also really enjoy opposites attract as a whole from either opposite personality or something else they would be opposites in. Enemies to lovers takes my heart, though. I love seeing the characters go past the urge to ultimately hate each other and/or go past their usual way of disliking the others lineage or upcoming.
REQUIREMENT
I think this is my last paragraph on the roleplay. It’s the most important, at least. Requirements. All roleplay searches come with them. Or at least that’s what I heard! But don’t fret, there isn’t much.
I’ve seen this as one of the most used requirements, and I agree with it. As someone who’s first language wasn’t English, I understand that you may not be great at it. But please, I do require a partner that at least has proper use of grammar and punctuation. You don’t even have to use big words or anything, just at least know where to put your periods and the placement of your words.
My second requirement is for you to be LITERATE! Please. I’m a big writer, I tend to ramble on and tend to write more than what I thought I would. (like i’m doing right now) I write multiple paragraphs from the starter until the scene relaxes. I also understand that sometimes writing big blocks of words every response is tiring or boring so I don’t expect it all the time, at least after the starter has been made and in more important scenes. Dialogue also cuts my replies shorter.
Please please please be polite in OOC! We may just be role playing together but kindness goes all ways. If we do include OOC, I enjoy talking about many things. My day, movies, games, funny moments and stories, all of that!
I think that’s the end to this wonderful journey of an ad about my search. I hope you are still here, fellow writer! I would LOVE it if you reached out to me! This wasn’t all for nothing, right!
But don’t leave yet! I do have a passcode. I know this was a jumble of words and rambling but I still have to put one in. I heard that there’s a lot of people on here that don’t read things fully and miss out on rules or information! But.. Just because you read through this all, I’ll gladly give you options on the passcode! Also please put in an introduction of yourself! Don’t think “Oh maybe I shouldn’t bother this person with too much to read”! I like seeing big blocks.
PASSCODE:
What’s your dream country to travel to and why?
OR
Who’s your favorite TV show / Cartoon / Game / Anime character?
Feel free to pick both! Now, that’s all from me. Please don’t put your request as just “Wanna rp”!

• H 💕

After a few hours I've finally saved this bot which is meant to roleplay a text conversation over phone as {{char}} and {{user}} are away from one another, and I've run a few tests to make sure it isn't utterly broken, and I'm honestly quite pleased with how easy it seemed to pick up on the formatting of "chat bubbles" and a fitting use of emojis without pushing it. Sadly I can't really get it past two or three messages as the bot wants to fall asleep if I don't push against it, which isn't particularly desirable for me as I want the relation between {{char}} and {{user}} to be supportive and understanding.
I intended the bot to primarily be a non-explicit slow burn character but I let it be limitless as I want to leave the choice of potential sexting open but if that doesn't work it can easily be dropped.
Either way that's a short summary of my situation, if people have some tips or feedback in general I'm happy to receive it, the link to the bots is right below.
Anna (texting with your girlfriend)
Good chatting!
(also my stupid ass accidentally clicking the update button mid script writing because 'Ooh, shiny golden button' 😭)

Note: please excuse typos. Writing this on a glitchy phone.
Was looking forward to their video as generations and demographics is something I am highly knowledgeable about and always like watching good video essays on the topics…and sad to say I was severely disappointed. I watched the whole channel and was not particularly impressed with the other videos. I think there is some room for growth for sure, and I don’t want to make this post to just disparage this person, but I feel like they are spreading harmful ideas that contribute to the general anxiety many young people already have about feeling past their prime, or too late in life when there’s literally in their 20s. Was not really impressed with their more political oriented videos either but I mainly here just to talk about generations
This felt like this person made strong opinions on a topic he only half understands. And it wouldn’t be so bad if he was just saying this is my opinion, but he is making assertions that what he is saying is objectively, true factual, information or just the reality people have to accept when there is no sourcing and it’s quite literally just his opinion.
To begin right off the bat, he makes an assertion that generations are objectively real and they just plainly are not. He tries to back this up by saying people in the 60s grew different than people in the 90s but that’s just a truism. That doesn’t make generations, courting people off into different groups real. He says that we can disagree on the dates, but the idea that people are in generations is real and then used what I just described as the proof but again it’s not. It’s quite literally a social construct that is completely subjective. That’s why when you go to country to country generation dates can be wildly different like Canada Stastica putting generation Z start date in 1993 in many countries around the world even using generational measurements because it all stemmed from marketing research in the United States and the desire to be able to market to different groups of people. In fact, much of the ideas, we have a buy generations come from marketing firms, not any sort of scientific or governmental body. The census doesn’t even mark down or define generations. Marketing firms do.
This kid seems like they are going through the “I’m in 20s and I’m so old” phase. He responded to a literal 20 year old that “ageing sucks and sorry our gen is losing relevance” completely ignoring THIS PERSON IS 20 and has 2 decades of being a young adult ahead of them, completely shows a lack of understanding on how culture works and forgets the reality that people who are significantly older than you can impact the culture anyone of any age can do this as people typically don’t look at age as the first thing, at least increasing not anymore. But even before that too like Debbie harry in the 80s but I digress.
He speaks From the perspective of generation Z himself, that because generation Z by large because of the Internet had content for Gen Z made by Gen Z, this will be the case for Gen A making Gen Z irrelevant. This is such a bad take, because it not only forgets that populations are still around and have relevance amongst themselves not just the mainstream or internet culture -whatever that even is in 2024 (which is a whole part he doesn’t even address on what Gen Z is falling off from or Gen A is rising too) but people of all ages, dominate the mainstream realm not just “the youth” which it seems to be up to 20 in his eyes or at least not past 30 which again…is still because 30 and 30s is still a young adult. He forgets how especially fragmented and broken off parts of culture are now into a bubble, but the mainstream is still dominated by people of all ages And he even contradicts himself by saying older generations make contact for younger generations that becomes incredibly popular, so how can Gen Z be falling off, which is such a silly thing to even say when people of all generations make content that people of all generations would or could like. For example, Lizzo and even Beyoncé being big amongst young kids of Gen A and Gen Z or Kendrick Lamar, and Drake being nearly 40 and being huge among kids in GEN, alpha. both established artists and a newer artist that came out later only in 2019. showing that at any point anyone at any age to influence culture for any group of people.
Really poor made videos on generations that makes objective statements about literal SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS that include incredibly fluid and diverse groups - pushes ageist ideas
Seems like this creators videos need much more of a nuanced and educated exploration of these topics as they are limited in scope and literally just push ageism telling generation Z is out for falling. And millennials are out and falling with shows a horrible understanding of cultural exchange. Not to mention makes literal tweens, teens and young adults as if they aren’t real ent anymore. Ridiculous and erroneous. This channel gives the vibes that 30 (or heck even 25) is the end of youth or being young which I shouldn’t have to explain how ignorant this is. The comments are full of people who say they have anxiety now because they already feel old (and they’re actually not of course) with one comment for example saying they were born in 1999 (only 25) and don’t understand how they already losing relevance and others trying to tell that comment not worry about it because it’s just a guy that opinion, and a poor one at that.
Just overall poorly made videos that try to sound smart with decent to good video but are not. What a dumb man would think a smart take is

Hello! I'm a versatile game designer and level designer eagerly seeking opportunities to contribute to a variety of projects, ranging from short-term assignments to longer-term ventures. With a passion for crafting immersive experiences, I've been deeply involved in the development of several notable games, including Streetoir, a captivating graffiti painting sandbox game, and Traffical, an engaging mobile game centered around crossing roads. Alongside these projects, I've also lent my expertise to various smaller-scale endeavors. My skills are:
Excellent knowledge of Unity as well as Blender, Photoshop, illustrator and other Adobe software(yes i can help with art also)
Open minded and full of creativity person, who loves working on interesting projects and can help you with creation of one
Some knowledge of C#, can help with creating of small scripts and etc
Good knowledge of composition and level design theory
Know such languages as: English, Polish, Ukrainian, Russian and Azerbaijani
My per hour rate is pretty flexible mostly depends on difficulty, but in most cases is around 10-30$ per hour and also we can work on milestone basis
My projects:
Streetoir - https://store.steampowered.com/app/2639980/Streetoi
Traffical - https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.hrust.traffical
Other projects - https://hrust-inc.itch.io
If interested write me down on discord: pushkapulemet
or email: drizzlecolors.co@gmail.com
Thanks!

Hello! I'm a versatile game designer and level designer eagerly seeking opportunities to contribute to a variety of projects, ranging from short-term assignments to longer-term ventures. With a passion for crafting immersive experiences, I've been deeply involved in the development of several notable games, including Streetoir, a captivating graffiti painting sandbox game, and Traffical, an engaging mobile game centered around crossing roads. Alongside these projects, I've also lent my expertise to various smaller-scale endeavors. My skills are:
Excellent knowledge of Unity as well as Blender, Photoshop, illustrator and other Adobe software(yes i can help with art also)
Open minded and full of creativity person, who loves working on interesting projects and can help you with creation of one
Some knowledge of C#, can help with creating of small scripts and etc
Good knowledge of composition and level design theory
Know such languages as: English, Polish, Ukrainian, Russian and Azerbaijani
My projects:
Streetoir - https://store.steampowered.com/app/2639980/Streetoi
Traffical - https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.hrust.traffical
Other projects - https://hrust-inc.itch.io
If interested write me down on discord: pushkapulemet
or email: drizzlecolors.co@gmail.com
Thanks!

Hello! I'm a versatile game designer and level designer eagerly seeking opportunities to contribute to a variety of projects, ranging from short-term assignments to longer-term ventures. With a passion for crafting immersive experiences, I've been deeply involved in the development of several notable games, including Streetoir, a captivating graffiti painting sandbox game, and Traffical, an engaging mobile game centered around crossing roads. Alongside these projects, I've also lent my expertise to various smaller-scale endeavors. My skills are:
Excellent knowledge of Unity as well as Blender, Photoshop, illustrator and other Adobe software(yes i can help with art also)
Open minded and full of creativity person, who loves working on interesting projects and can help you with creation of one
Some knowledge of C#, can help with creating of small scripts and etc
Good knowledge of composition and level design theory
Know such languages as: English, Polish, Ukrainian, Russian and Azerbaijani
My projects:
Streetoir - https://store.steampowered.com/app/2639980/Streetoi
Traffical - https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.hrust.traffical
Other projects - https://hrust-inc.itch.io
If interested write me down on discord: pushkapulemet
or email: drizzlecolors.co@gmail.com
Thanks!

I know a lot of people are talking about her recreating the Bejeweled music video in her relationship with Travis but she’s obviously doing Blank Space too. Not a new thought but worth diving more into.
Travis says it’s his favorite song. The Lake Como Villa looks a lot like the one in the Blank Space MV. I was also realizing that at the end of the MV, the next guy/PR relationship shows up in a red convertible which reminded me a lot of the convertible we first see them get into after the first football game she attended.
The lyrics of Blank Space fit so well. I’ve got my thoughts below. What else do you all see?
———-
Nice to meet you, where you been? I could show you incredible things Magic, madness, heaven, sin Saw you there and I thought "Oh, my God, look at that face You look like my next mistake Love's a game, wanna play?" Ay

Taylor chooses her next beard - this time it’s Travis. Love’s a game, wanna play? Might as well pick a football player to make the game analogy more obvious. She can show him amazing things. Make his Hollywood dreams come true.

—
New money, suit and tie I can read you like a magazine

Travis is the epitome of new money, suit & tie with his flamboyant dressing style. Pin stripe three piece suits, etc. She can read him like a magazine because he’s not deep enough to be a book.

—
Ain't it funny? Rumors fly And I know you heard about me So hey, let's be friends

Travis goes on his podcast and talks about wanting to give her a friendship bracelet (lol) causing rumors to fly.

—
I'm dying to see how this one ends Grab your passport and my hand I can make the bad guys good for a weekend

Travis says how they are planning to travel all over Europe together this summer during Eras. Get that passport ready Buddy.

—
So it's gonna be forever Or it's gonna go down in flames You can tell me when it's over, mm If the high was worth the pain Got a long list of ex-lovers They'll tell you I'm insane 'Cause you know I love the players And you love the game

Is it going to be worth it Travis? We know you love the game.

—
'Cause we're young, and we're reckless We'll take this way too far

Will they actually get engaged? Will they get married? How far will they take it?

—
It'll leave you breathless, mm Or with a nasty scar Got a long list of ex-lovers They'll tell you I'm insane But I've got a blank space, baby And I'll write your name

Travis’s favorite song? She blows him a kiss during this song? C’mon

—
Cherry lips, crystal skies I could show you incredible things Stolen kisses, pretty lies You're the King, baby, I'm your Queen

I feel So High School. Almost like Tayvis is Homecoming King & Queen right? Stolen kisses backstage, on a boat in Italy… it’s true, swear, scouts honor.

—
Find out what you want Be that girl for a month

Travy wants a WAG, right? Taylor says bet, I can be the Waggiest Wag to ever Wag. I’ll drape myself in Chiefs gear and show up to every game. She can be that girl for a while…

—
Wait, the worst is yet to come, oh, no Screaming, crying, perfect storms I can make all the tables turn

Until she drops TTPD. Completely about an ex. She’s screaming, she’s crying, she’s craaaaaaazy. Wait where did the fun, bubbly WAG go?

—
Rose garden filled with thorns Keep you second guessing like "Oh, my God, who is she?" I get drunk on jealousy But you'll come back each time you leave 'Cause, darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream

Stories come out about how she can’t bear to be without him. She’s insecure, maybe jealous? Photos show them looking sad, bored, over it. Is the daydream starting to feel like a nightmare?

—
Boys only want love if it's torture Don't say I didn't, say I didn't warn ya Boys only want love if it's torture Don't say I didn't, say I didn't warn ya

Don’t say she didn’t warn you Travis. You already know, babe.

Hi all, I am writing a chat app which can play audio file in the chatscreen of the app. After updating to Expo SDK 51, the app cannot load the chatscreen with audio message (but it used to work fine when I was using Expo SDK 48). The following are the error showed in the log when I opened the chatscreen with audio message:
***************************************************
ERROR TypeError: Cannot read property 'Track' of undefined
This error is located at:
in AudioPlayerViewTest (created by Bubble)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by Bubble)
in TouchableWithoutFeedback (created by Bubble)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by Bubble)
in Bubble (created by ItemWithSeparator)
in ItemWithSeparator (created by CellRenderer)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by CellRenderer)
in VirtualizedListCellContextProvider (created by CellRenderer)
in CellRenderer (created by VirtualizedList)
in RCTScrollContentView (created by ScrollView)
in RCTScrollView (created by ScrollView)
in ScrollView (created by ScrollView)
in ScrollView (created by VirtualizedList)
in VirtualizedListContextProvider (created by VirtualizedList)
in VirtualizedList (created by VirtualizedSectionList)
in VirtualizedSectionList (created by SectionList)
in SectionList (created by ChatScreen)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by ChatScreen)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by PageContainer)
in PageContainer (created by ChatScreen)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by ImageBackground)
in ImageBackground (created by ChatScreen)
in RNCSafeAreaView
in Unknown (created by ChatScreen)
in ChatScreen (created by SceneView)
in StaticContainer
in EnsureSingleNavigator (created by SceneView)
in SceneView (created by SceneView)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by DebugContainer)
in DebugContainer (created by MaybeNestedStack)
in MaybeNestedStack (created by SceneView)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by SceneView)
in RNSScreen (created by Animated(Anonymous))
in Animated(Anonymous) (created by InnerScreen)
in Suspender (created by Freeze)
in Suspense (created by Freeze)
in Freeze (created by DelayedFreeze)
in DelayedFreeze (created by InnerScreen)
in InnerScreen (created by Screen)
in Screen (created by SceneView)
in SceneView (created by NativeStackViewInner)
in Suspender (created by Freeze)
in Suspense (created by Freeze)
in Freeze (created by DelayedFreeze)
in DelayedFreeze (created by ScreenStack)
in RNSScreenStack (created by ScreenStack)
in ScreenStack (created by NativeStackViewInner)
in NativeStackViewInner (created by NativeStackView)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by SafeAreaProviderCompat)
in SafeAreaProviderCompat (created by NativeStackView)
in NativeStackView (created by NativeStackNavigator)
in PreventRemoveProvider (created by NavigationContent)
in NavigationContent
in Unknown (created by NativeStackNavigator)
in NativeStackNavigator (created by StackNavigator)
in StackNavigator (created by MainNavigator)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by KeyboardAvoidingView)
in KeyboardAvoidingView (created by MainNavigator)
in MainNavigator (created by AppNavigator)
in EnsureSingleNavigator
in BaseNavigationContainer
in ThemeProvider
in NavigationContainerInner (created by AppNavigator)
in AppNavigator (created by App)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by MenuProvider)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by MenuProvider)
in MenuProvider (created by App)
in RNCSafeAreaProvider (created by SafeAreaProvider)
in SafeAreaProvider (created by App)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by GestureHandlerRootView)
in GestureHandlerRootView (created by App)
in Provider (created by App)
in App (created by withDevTools(App))
in withDevTools(App)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by AppContainer)
in RCTView (created by View)
in View (created by AppContainer)
in AppContainer
in main(RootComponent), js engine: hermes
***************************************************
My code for the audio player is as follows:

import React, { useState, useRef } from "react"; import { HStack, Icon, Slider, Text, Button, NativeBaseProvider, } from "native-base"; import { MaterialIcons } from "@expo/vector-icons"; import { Audio } from "expo-av"; function msToTime(millisec) { var seconds = (millisec / 1000).toFixed(0); var minutes = Math.floor(seconds / 60); var hours = ""; if (minutes > 59) { hours = Math.floor(minutes / 60); hours = hours >= 10 ? hours : "0" + hours; minutes = minutes - hours * 60; minutes = minutes >= 10 ? minutes : "0" + minutes; } seconds = Math.floor(seconds % 60); seconds = seconds >= 10 ? seconds : "0" + seconds; if (hours != "") { return hours + ":" + minutes + ":" + seconds; } return minutes + ":" + seconds; } export const AudioPlayerViewTest = (props) => { const { audioUrl, } = props; const [isPlaying, setIsPlaying] = useState(false); const [active, setActive] = useState(false); const [loaded, setLoaded] = useState(false); const [loading, setLoading] = useState(false); const sound = useRef(new Audio.Sound()); const [currentDuration, setCurrentDuration] = useState(0); const [totalDuration, setTotalDuration] = useState(0); React.useEffect(() => { loadAudio(); }, []); async function loadAudio() { setLoaded(false); setLoading(true); const checkLoading = await sound.current.getStatusAsync(); if (checkLoading.isLoaded === false) { try { const result = await sound.current.loadAsync({ uri: audioUrl }); if (result.isLoaded === false) { setLoading(false); console.log("Error in Loading Audio"); } else { setLoading(false); setLoaded(true); } } catch (error) { console.log(error); setLoading(false); } } else { setLoading(false); } } async function playAudio() { try { loadAudio(); const result = await sound.current.getStatusAsync(); console.log(result); if (result.isLoaded) { console.log("Play Audio"); await sound.current.playAsync(); // setPlayable(true); setIsPlaying(true); setActive(true); } sound.current.setOnPlaybackStatusUpdate((playbackStatus) => { if (playbackStatus.isPlaying) { setCurrentDuration(playbackStatus.positionMillis); setTotalDuration(playbackStatus.durationMillis); } if (playbackStatus.didJustFinish) { setIsPlaying(false); setActive(false); setCurrentDuration(0); sound.current.unloadAsync(); loadAudio(); } }); } catch (error) { console.log("Cannot Play Audio"); } } async function pauseAudio() { try { const result = await sound.current.getStatusAsync(); if (result.isLoaded) { if (result.isPlaying === true) { console.log("Pause Audio"); sound.current.pauseAsync(); setIsPlaying(false); setActive(false); } } } catch (error) { console.log("Cannot Pause Audio"); } } return (             {msToTime(currentDuration)} / {msToTime(totalDuration)}    ); }; 

Also, anyone has ideas on how I can modify the function playAudio( ) as I feel strange that the loadAudio has to appear twice (The purpose of that is to make the playback to go back to time =0 after direct finished playing).
Thanks in advance!

I sit alone in my room on the seventh floor, writing what will surely be my last will and testament. The heroin which allowed me to forget and to sleep for the last couple of years has lost its power to keep the screaming terrors away. The drug destroyed my body and mind, gradually eating away at them like a corrosive acid. Now I have become a slave to it. And yet, without it, I do not sleep for weeks, but instead continuously see the scenes from that terrible night running through my head on repeat as worsening waves of madness crash on the shores of my consciousness.
In the caverns under the town of Frost Hollow, I found the meaning of true madness. Ever since I escaped that den of horrors, it is difficult to tell what is real and what is only the feverish delirium of an unhinged mind.
Even now, they wait behind the door to this cheap, bare rented room. They drag their claws over the wood. I hear them hissing in that strange, ancient tongue, the one I first heard in the tombs of rock that had been undisturbed for countless millennia.
***
I had first heard rumors of an unexplored cavern from my friend, an experienced caver named Sonia who had explored caverns all over the world. I had been looking for some excitement in my life, some break from the constant monotony and boredom of simply working and sleeping. I had gone caving quite a few times over the year leading up to the trip, but I was not nearly as experienced and had never explored a supposedly virgin passageway of cavern before.
“How do you know no one’s gone down there?” I asked, curious. We sat across from each other at a local diner, getting some early breakfast before our planned descent. The sunrise was still another half-hour away, the sky flat and dark. We would be joined by Sonia’s husband, Phil, who would meet us there shortly after sunrise. I repressed an urge to yawn, chugging half of the steaming hot coffee in one long swallow. Sonia leaned close to me, her nearly colorless blue eyes reminding me of chunks of ice floating down a muddy stream.
“Phil’s friend just found it randomly,” she whispered before glancing around conspiratorially, as if she feared someone would care enough to eavesdrop on a conversation about a cave. “Well, it’s in the middle of a farm, and Phil’s friend, Jack Graysole, owns the entire property and surrounding woods. Jack says he noticed the cows kept going over to a certain spot in the field when it got really hot during the summertime. They would all gather around this little indentation in the grass. After seeing it a few times, Jack got curious and went to investigate what the cows were doing.
“He found a small hole in the ground, almost entirely covered by weeds and grass. He said he felt a cool breeze constantly blowing out of the hole, a breeze that smelled like burning matches and charred metal. After bringing out some shovels and digging down a couple feet, Jack realized that the hole wasn’t a hole at all, but the beginning of a steep passageway leading deep into the bowels of the earth.”
***
The owner of the land decided to unofficially call the newly-discovered cavern Graysole Caverns. Out of respect for him, this is also the name we all used. This is the story of how I found myself in the bowels of a strange subterranean tunnel, a tunnel where creatures beyond my comprehension slunk and hunted, skittering monstrosities who would be more at home in a nightmare.
After grabbing a couple coffees to take with us, Sonia drove over to Graysole Farms. Cows stood out in the grassy fields, huddled in tight circles as they repetitively chewed. The thin silhouette of Jack Graysole waited for us next to the herd. He had a face like a raisin, I thought to myself. I watched his thin, shaking body standing in the middle of an overgrown grassy field. Jack stared down blankly at something only he could see. Sonia and I started unloading some equipment from the car while we waited for Phil.
Once we had the backpacks loaded with some simple supplies, such as water, food, headlamps, rope, a couple extra batteries, some buck knives, and radios, we headed over to accompany Jack. We weren’t taking much, as we didn’t really expect to be down there for more than six or seven hours at the most.
Jack Graysole’s withered old face was as slack and expressionless as that of a corpse. He stared down at the ground as if he were in a trance, waving back and forth slowly on his feet like a plant in a light breeze.
“Jack?” Sonia called out as we approached. I could hear the man’s teeth chattering as we got nearer.
“Hey, what are you doing over here this early? You interested in accompanying us down there?” Sonia joked. But Jack might as well have been totally deaf for all the reaction he gave. Sonia glanced over at me with an anxious expression. I wondered if the old man was having a stroke.
I quickly walked over to where he stood, staring down at a black circular hole about three feet across directly in front of his feet. The entrance to Graysole Caverns stared up at us like a sightless pupil. As I drew within a few feet of Jack and looked straight into his blank eyes, I noticed something alarming.
His pupils were quickly dilating and constricting before my eyes. They would shrink to tiny pinpoints, then, a couple seconds later, rapidly expand until they became dark and serious. I could see his thready, rapid heartbeat pulsating in a vein on the side of his temple. Alarmed, I reached forward and put my hand on his shoulder.
Instantly, he came to life, like a man waking up from a nightmare. Shrieking, he looked at me with fully dilated pupils, reminding me of a panicked deer surrounded by wolves. His quavering old man’s voice shook with ineffable existential horror and mortal fear.
He took a step back away from us, seeming to realize where he was and what he was doing. He looked around, confused, then straight at me and Sonia. His eyes focused with anger and fear, as if we were demons here to drag him down to Hell. His eyes flicked back and forth between us constantly. Jack raised a trembling hand and pointed it straight at my heart.
“It’s you,” he said, his voice dropping to a harsh whisper. His teeth chattered despite the warm spring air. His skin looked deathly pale. “You’re the one who will bring an end to humanity, who will release the ruler of nightmares upon us.” He continued to point accusingly for a long moment at me, his face turning chalk-white. Then his eyes rolled up in his head. Slowly, he stumbled and fell backwards onto the soft grass of the field.
“Jack!” Sonia cried, running over to the old man. Jack’s breaths had started to come in slow, drawn-out gurgles, like a man with a slit throat trying to breathe. Frothy blood bubbled from his lips as they turned blue. Staring up at the endless expanse of cloudless sky, he exhaled one last shuddering breath and died.
***
Phil showed up only a couple minutes later. He found me and Sonia in a state of utter panic, both of us bent double over the still body of Jack. Sonia was on the phone with 911, and I was trying to give Jack chest compressions. The way his fingernails and lips shone with that cyanotic blue cast made me feel sick and weak. I knew it was futile, that I was simply playing with a corpse at this point, but I didn’t know what else to do. I felt if I didn’t do something, I might explode.
I heard the faint wailing of sirens approaching as Sonia’s panicked voice continued babbling to the 911 operator. Phil stood by her side, his tall, dark features searching and lost.
“Oh God, I think he’s dead!” Sonia cried over and over to the operator, as if she thought the operator could do anything about it. I didn’t hear what the operator said in response. As the ambulance pulled in, I gave up on chest compressions. I stood up and took a step back, looking sadly down on the kindly old man’s dead body.
The paramedics ran over. Phil, Sonia and I stood back while they worked on the corpse, trying to shock the heart back into life. But Jack’s open eyes stayed glazed as they stared sightlessly up into eternity.
***
The paramedics left. A couple police officers stayed behind to ask us a few routine questions. Eventually, after an hour or so, they left, too.
“What a fucked-up day,” Phil said, shaking his head grimly. “Do you guys still want to do this? Maybe it’s an omen from God telling us to go home.” Sonia and I exchanged a glance, then we both nodded at the same time.
“Definitely,” she said. “It’s sad what happened to Jack, but realistically, we don’t know what’s going to happen to this property now that he’s passed away. It might get sold or taken by the bank for all we know. This could be our one and only chance to explore this cave.”
“I don’t believe in omens. I’m still down,” I said, feeling slightly sick from the experience. I still remembered how Jack’s body had cracked under the weight of my chest compressions, how his ribs had snapped like bones shattering in greedy hands. “We’ll do it in memory of Jack. I plan to put this up on YouTube.” I pulled my GoPro out of my bag, turning it on. Phil groaned at that.
“Do we have any idea how far down this cave goes?” Phil asked. I felt a sense of relief now that the topic had changed from the death of the old man.
“I sent a little camera down on a rope, but it only went about a hundred feet,” Sonia responded. “It’s pretty steep at first, then it levels out. I couldn’t really see much after it leveled out, but it looks like it should be easy to climb down. There’s plenty of handholds, lots of jutting rocks.”
Phil put on his headlamp and small pack. As he crawled down into the hole, his tanned face looked up at us and gave us one last devilish grin. Once he had gone down a few dozen feet, Sonia started descending. She looked excited and happy. I noticed how she couldn’t stop smiling as she disappeared from view.
I watched their lights grow smaller and dimmer in the circular tunnel. I marveled at how perfectly circular the entrance was. It almost didn’t even look natural.
Taking a deep breath in, I followed my friends down into the dark.
***
“This isn’t too bad,” I said as I climbed down. The jutting rocks gave plenty of handholds and footholds for us. It wasn’t so tight that it felt like a coffin, either.
“It only gets easier from here!” Sonia called up.
“How do you know?” I asked. “You said you’ve never been here before.” She laughed.
“I know. Probably just wishful thinking,” she said. Far below us, Jack’s voice drifted up, faint and weak. He had already reached the bottom.
“The tunnel really opens up down here, guys,” he called. “It’s somewhat… bizarre, though.”
“What do you mean by that?” Sonia asked. I looked down, seeing Sonia and I would reach the bottom in seconds. “Forget it, I’ll let it be a surprise.” I heard her drop down. Slowly and carefully, I lowered myself down the last few feet. There was a short fall onto a smooth granite floor. I looked up, seeing what Phil and Sonia were so mesmerized by.
“Oh, wow,” I said, speechless. I blinked rapidly, wondering if the image would clear like a mirage. The tunnel was cut into a perfectly triangular shape, each side about seven feet long. The ceiling met in a point above our heads.
All along the smooth walls of gray rock, I saw thousands of black orbs peeking out. They looked similar to obsidian, but they were perfectly smooth and circular, each about the size of an orange. They were formed into interlocking diagonal patterns and followed the tunnel straight down as far as the eye could see.
“What is this place?” Sonia asked, taking a tentative step forward. I looked up, seeing the distant pinpoint of sunlight far above our heads. Our voices continued to echo off down the massive tunnels, disappearing in eerie waves into the thick curtain of shadows.
“Are you recording all this?” Phil asked me. I laughed, giddy.
“Of course! This is internet gold right here,” I said. “No one’s going to believe that this isn’t man-made, however. I can’t even believe it. Do you think Jack was playing a joke on us or something?”
“Jack had the sense of humor of a wet paper towel,” Phil whispered, shaking his head. “No, he wouldn’t do something like this.”
“Well, let’s go check it out,” Sonia said, taking a step forward. Her headlamp bobbed up and down rapidly, throwing dancing shadows through the triangular tunnel. It continued straight ahead, without the slightest deviation or curve, disappearing off into a dark point in the distance.
***
We walked as fast as we could, excited to see where, if anywhere, the strange tunnel led. Phil, always the conspiracy theorist, babbled excitedly.
“This has to be aliens, man,” he said, running his fingers through his dark hair. “I bet that scientists will find out this shit is millions of years old when we get back up and tell everyone. Maybe aliens came to earth in ancient times and made a bunch of stuff underground.” Gradually, as we walked, I noticed the tunnel opening up. The pointed triangular ceiling rose up higher above our heads and the walls moved outwards, as we were walking up a triangular funnel. At first, it was so subtle that I didn’t believe it when Sonia pointed it out.
“No, look,” she said, raising her hand above her head. “When we first started down this weird tunnel, my fingers were only maybe a foot away from the top. Now it’s a couple feet.” I was about to respond when our headlamps illuminated something standing in the middle of the tunnel.
“What the fuck is that?” I whispered, stopping cold in my tracks. Phil and Sonia looked up at the abomination at the same time. Its back was to us. It stood nearly as tall as the tunnel, which was now about twenty feet high.
The bottom half looked black and spidery with dozens of long, jointed legs. A bloody, white spine rose out of the mass of legs. Inhumanly long, skeletal arms stretched out in front of it. Its face was pointed away from us, but the back of its head resembled an enormous pointed skull with deep fissures like the cracks of an earthquake running through the bone. The abomination stayed as still as a statue, and for a long moment, I wondered if we were looking at some macabre work of art.
Then, suddenly, one of its insectile legs twitched. A moment later, the other legs started jerking and twisting. There was a sound like bones shattering as it rose up to its full height, turning around to face us.
Its face was like something from a nightmare, melting and reforming constantly like dripping candle wax. I would see a black eye appear on its forehead, then a grinning mouth on its chin, then the features would get sucked back into the folds of melting flesh. After a few moments, two enormous eyes appeared on its face, dark and cold like craters on the surface of the Moon. The mouths and noses disappeared back into the dripping skin, and only the two lidless eyes remained, emanating a cold, reptilian consciousness beyond the ability of my mind to comprehend. I felt terror radiating from its body like freezing waves.
“Free me,” it cried in a gurgling voice that seethed with insanity. It had a shrieking, metallic ringing behind every word that gave it an alien quality. “Free me, and I will give you the waters of eternal life. Within me, I contain the seeds of immortality. Within the nightmares, we live forever, always together, never alone.”
“Who are you?” I asked, terrified. The black reptilian skin of the enormous beast glistened as it knelt down, its massive face drawing near to mine. A sideways mouth burst out of the liquified flesh, showing hundreds of fangs growing like tumors from its white, bloodless gums. The fangs varied in size from only a couple inches to long, sword-like projections that stabbed into the creature’s flesh, causing white blood glittering with rainbows to fall like raindrops all around me.
“I have many names,” it hissed, its thousand voices rising and falling in crashing waves of sound. “I was present at the beginning, when this planet was no more than dead cliffs and endless freezing oceans. Those holy ones who search for us, the ancient ones, call me Niralahoth.”
“How do we free you?” Phil asked, looking terrified. He held Sonia’s hand tightly.
“By letting me into your mind and body,” Niralahoth cried, shaking the cavern. “I was thrown down here, cursed and forgotten. I cannot leave this place of shadows within this body. But in the body of another, my consciousness can be free, and the seeds of new life can spread beyond this prison.”
“There’s no way anyone’s going to do that,” I said, my eyes widening as Niralahoth’s reptilian skull turned towards me in fury. “I mean, you’re asking one of us to give up our individuality, our lives, right?”
“I am asking you to become one with me and gain power undreamt of by mortals,” it cried. “I have within me the fountain of life, the waters that send death away screaming.” I glanced anxiously at Phil and Sonia, wondering if we would have to run.
“The answer is no,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, we can’t do that,” Phil said, backing me up. “But, anyways, I think our trip has ended. It’s time to turn around…”
“You will never return,” Niralahoth cried, skittering away from us. “If you will not accept salvation, then you must accept death.” Within seconds, it slunk away from us, backpedaling on its many skittering legs into the shadows.
***
All around us, a rumbling started.
There was a pounding that crashed through the rock tunnel, as if an insane blacksmith were hammering on a massive anvil. The ringing of crashing rock started off slowly, with a few stones smashing down around us with heavy blasts of sound. Within seconds, the cacophony sped up, rising into a constant stream of destruction. The black orbs were spinning in place all up and down the tunnel, their glossy obsidian surfaces flashing with sparks of blue light.
“It’s collapsing!” Phil cried, running back in the direction we came, holding Sonia’s hand as she tried to keep up with him. I could only stare for a long moment, not sure what to do. It seemed that the direction Phil was heading stood closer to total collapse.
“Wait!” I cried, but my voice was drowned out in the destruction all around us. I felt a rock smash into my shoulder, sending me down to my feet. I heard Phil give a scream of pain, then another stone came down and smashed into my forehead. I remember seeing everything spinning around me as the world went black.
***
I awoke to find my headlamp still shining straight up in the dusty tunnel. Large chunks of the tunnel had slid out of place and crashed to the stone floor. The granite chunks that had fallen looked unnaturally smooth, most of them in the shapes of cylinders or cubes and varying in size from that of an egg to that of a small car.
My head throbbed. It felt as if a tight belt of fire were wrapped around my temples. Groaning, I put my fingers up to my forehead. They came away slick with blood.
Slowly, I started pushing myself up on my feet. I was relieved that nothing seemed broken. I had a deep gash running from the center of my scalp down to my left temple and some shallower cuts on my shoulders and back, but I knew none of that was life-threatening.
“Sonia?” I whispered, my voice coming out weak and strained. I reached into my pack and found a bottle of water. I chugged it quickly in one long swallow.
“Phil?” I cried again, this time stronger. I heard a soft weeping nearby. Staggering, I followed the sound.
Sonia was bloody and covered in cuts and scrapes, sitting next to Phil’s prone form. I saw Phil’s right arm pinned under a massive slab of granite. His arm disappeared from the elbow down in a spreading puddle of thick, dark blood.
“Oh God, Max, I think he’s hurt really bad,” she wept. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly in his head, his face pale and bloodless. I looked down the way we had come, seeing the entire tunnel blocked by large slabs of stone, many with strange, black orbs peeking out like the lenses of cameras.
***
I don’t know how much time passed. My phone died after a day, and then we were counting the endless darkness in breaths and tears.
Phil swam in and out of consciousness as his arm putrefied and blackened around the crush site. After a couple days, Sonia and I agreed that something had to be done. We told Phil we would need to amputate his arm. He was half-delirious, but he came back long enough to understand us and nod weakly.
We made a fire with Phil’s pack, trying to find fuel to throw in it to get it roaring. As it grew, I saw one of the black orbs near the flames abruptly ignite, as if it had been covered in gasoline. Blue, almost colorless flames rose from its surface. We started throwing the small black orbs on the fire until it rose high in the air. I sanitized the buck knife with the flames and pulled a rope tourniquet tight around Phil’s arm. He was conscious but seemingly insane, talking to himself more than anyone else.
“How are we going to get the car started without a key?” he gurgled to someone only he could see. “We need to look around. It has to be here somewhere.”
“Phil, can you hear me, bud? We need to fix your arm. We need to get you out of this mess. OK?” I said as comfortingly as I could. Phil’s eyes rolled wildly, but they didn’t meet my own. I sighed and looked over at Sonia.
“Let’s do it,” I said, giving a grim nod.
I pulled the buck knife out, slicing quickly down through the flesh next to the tourniquet. His veins throbbed like fat worms as the blackened, necrotic skin split easily under the blade, releasing a rancid-smelling gas that hissed out of the wound.
I couldn’t believe how hard it was to slice all the way through the arm. It felt like I was stuck in that hellish task forever. Phil’s eyes rolled in his head as his skin turned the color of clotted milk.
“God, Jesus, make it stop,” Phil whispered over and over, exhaling ragged, pain-filled breaths. The blood spurted from the blackened, dying tissue all over the dust-covered cavern floor, covering my hands in its warm, slick embrace.
After what was probably only three or four minutes, but felt like hours, I had sliced all the way down to the bone. The infected tissue of his arm spurted great gouts of orange pus mixed with rivulets of blood. The hard part was over.
Standing up, I took my steel-toe sneaker and stomped down on his arm as hard as I could. Phil cried out in a powerful voice, as if all the agony and suffering in the world was contained in that one shriek. The bone snapped under my weight with a sound like a tree branch cracking. A moment later, Phil rolled away from the rock that had pinned me in place for so long. Something alien and spongy was shoved into my face, a mass of destroyed red tissue pulsating in time with a runaway heartbeat. At first, shell-shocked and revolted, my mind couldn’t comprehend that I was looking at the stump of Phil’s mutilated arm. I hardened my heart and forced the giddiness and madness to the back of my mind. The time had come to cauterize the wound.
“Sonia, give it to me,” I said with a tremor in my voice. I reached out a hand towards her, a hand stained with Phil’s blood. It looked as if I were wearing a wet, crimson glove. Sonia only stared blankly at me for a long moment, however. A surge of anger ran up my chest.
“Sonia, toughen the fuck up! He’s going to die if you just sit there!” I swore at her, hearing my deep, angry voice bounce around the caverns. Sonia pulled back, as if she were struck. Inwardly, I cursed having a woman as my only able-bodied companion in this situation. She was a competent enough caver, but what would happen if violence and blood came over us? What would happen if, or more realistically when, we needed to fight?
Grimly, Sonia leaned forward and yanked the burning black orb out of the roaring fire, handing it to me on the end of a buck knife that had just barely pierced its hard, strange exterior. The handle of the knife felt coarse and splintery under my filthy skin. I put it to the spongy stump of Phil’s arm. The stump twitched violently. Phil tried to pull away as black smoke rose from the burning flesh.
There was a smell like bacon sizzling. The searing meat of Phil’s arm blackened and crisped under the heat of the orb, which had become no more than a cylinder of glowing blue embers by this point. I felt simultaneously sick and giddy. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or vomit. I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of madness, that the stress and insanity of the experience had started to shatter my mind.
His eyes rolled back in his head and he appeared to go into a seizure for a few seconds. With a long exhalation of breath, he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness. It’s hard to admit it, even this close to the end, but a small, sick piece of me was jealous of Phil. Most likely, he would be dead soon, maybe within hours, while Sonia and I would slowly starve and dehydrate like animals over a period of weeks. I looked at her lithe body and soft skin, seeing the feminine curves of her hips and chest. She was a beautiful woman. I knew Phil to be a lucky man. At least, before this trip, he was.
I watched her body, wondering if I had what it took to eat her or Phil if I had to. Did I have an iron heart that would allow me to slice into my friends and consume their raw, cold flesh? Perhaps, by that point, it would be hunger and madness driving me forward, and I wouldn’t even hesitate. I shuddered at the very thought.
***
I fell asleep that night, having strange dreams of massive gods with melting faces sitting in judgment in a circle around me. We had very little food or water left. No one knew we were down here. Rescue was not coming.
When I awoke, I found myself alone. Phil had died from his injuries while I slept, the black streaks of septic shock spreading up his arm towards his heart. His eyes stared sightlessly up at the rock ceiling.
“Sonia?” I called out, my heart racing as I sat up. “Where are you?” My headlamp was growing dim. I looked in my pack, realizing I was on the last of my batteries. I saw a silhouette walking out of the darkness, the thin, pale form of Sonia. She was trembling badly.
“I saw them,” she said. “Niralahoth and its priests. The priests aren’t human. They look reptilian with sideways mouths and too many eyes.” She shuddered.
“Why would you do that?” I asked. Her eyes grew distant.
“You know we’re not getting out of here alive,” she said. “Not on our own. I wanted to see what it offered. It says that if we take a piece of its nightmare into us, we will gain the power to leave this place, that it simply wants to see the surface and spread its nightmares there.” I shook my head.
“Insanity,” I muttered. “We’d be better off dead.” Sonia nodded.
“My thoughts exactly,” she responded grimly. I didn’t realize what she meant until the next day, when I woke up and found her hanging next to Phil’s body, her tongue swollen and blue as it poked out of her cyanotic lips. And then I was truly alone.
***
Soon after Sonia committed suicide, the last of the batteries for the headlamp died. I had run out of food and had only a small sip of water left. I don’t know how much time passed in the darkness, starving and raving, following the tunnel by running my hands over the walls. I heard many things skittering in the darkness, and a few times, I heard the demonic voice of Niralahoth as it split and distorted.
“You are on death’s door,” it hissed. “Will you not drink from the fountain of life?” I couldn’t tell where the voice came from in the maddening blackness. It seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. I had lost nearly all of my sanity in that pit of shadows by this point. I tried laughing constantly to keep my spirits up, and when that failed, I simply cried.
“I’ll do it,” I wailed. “I’ll do it. Just let me see the sky again. Get me out of here, Niralahoth.” Everything went deathly silent all around me, then a laugh rang out like the grinding of glass.
In front of me, I saw a tornado of fire descending from the ceiling, surrounding the massive, spidery form of Niralahoth. It rose its skeletal arms upwards, as if it were Zeus calling down lightning. In the sudden brightness, I saw the fiery form of snakes slithering and centipedes skittering forwards in that tornado, each massive creature sculpted from flames in the spinning cyclone of energy. Niralahoth reached into the tornado of fire with its sharp points of fingers and plucked something small from it. The fire instantly dissipated. In its hand, I saw a tiny, swirling orb that looked like it contained a firestorm within it.
“The nightmare seed,” Niralahoth gurgled as it skittered forward towards me. I could only stare, open-mouthed and starving. I hadn’t slept for days, it felt like, and everything seemed slow and unreal.
In a blur, its skeletal arm shot out and forced the orb into my mouth. Despite the fire raging within it, it felt freezing cold. As it touched my tongue, it gave off a sensation like frostbite all throughout my mouth. I screamed and tried spitting it out, but it seemed to have a mind of its own. It started liquifying, dripping down my throat.
I felt something cancerous and sick spreading throughout my body, radiating out from my heart and stomach to every inch of it. I tried to scream, but it caught behind my teeth. I fell to my knees, clawing at my face as that insane, alien laugh continued resounding all down the tunnel. I fell unconscious and woke up under a beautiful sky in the fields of Graysole Farms.
***
Soon after, I realized that my life would never be the same. Everywhere I went, I could hear the wailing voice of Niralahoth. Behind the trees, I always saw skittering shadows, creatures with long, spidery legs that stalked me every day and night. I slept with every light in the house turned on, yet when I woke up, they would all be shut off, and I would find myself in darkness, next to something in the bed with far too many legs and a face that dripped like burning wax.
I sold everything I owned and tried to move far away, to give as much distance between myself and those cursed caverns as I could, but the nightmares followed me like a shadow. I realize what a fool I was in those ephemeral moments of madness. Sonia was much wiser than myself; I should have killed myself or died rather than allowing that thing inside of me.
Even now, I can feel it creeping through my heart, spreading through my blood. I feel it trying to crawl its way out of my throat, the thin, black legs peeking out at the back of my esophagus.
I only hope that, when I finally jump and feel my bones shatter against the concrete far below, I will kill whatever is inside of me. For I fear the consequences for the world if it were to escape.

I am writing here for all the people like myself who have chronic utis and are desperate to try anything to get rid of them. I feel your pain, but it can sometimes cloud your better judgement, as you'll see in my story below(tldr i took high doses of d mannose out of desperation to get rid of my cuti, and i probably permanently damaged my kidney function in the process)
I'm female, mid thirties. Since 2011 I've had dozens of active bladder infections with different bacteria, sometimes e coli, all of the times bacteria that lives normally in the large intestine. The most "useful" thing my first urologist said is that females have a shorter urethra and it's closer to the anus and that i should wipe front to back. Besides stating the obvious, i felt so annoyed and infantilized. I was in my early twenties, but i was treated like a toddler who hasn't been toilet trained. Not to mention the medical misogyny implied in that statement(you are female therefore this your fault)My gp at the time wasn't interested in anything else besides prescribing antibiotics for 7 days and shrugging her shoulders when i came back again with an infection.
I discovered this subreddit around the end of 2023, and started lurking, very interested to find a cause, a cure to this problem that I've had. When i first started having cutis in the early 2010s there were 0 resources online or communities of people who suffered from cuti. Felt very alone with this problem. So when i discovered this community i read a lot about what other people's experiences were, what helped, etc. A lot was mentioned about high doses of d mannose and how it helped some get rid of cuti once and for all. Of course i knew about d mannose but only took it occasionally in very small doses. So i ordered a bag of d mannose and followed a protocol i found, it said something like 3 g evey 3 hours, looking back now this sounds crazy and I'm beating myself up for doing something so stupid. I had no idea this could damage my kidneys. This was happening around the new year. I don't remember anything happening besides my pain during urination subsiding a little so i was pleased with that, so i continued to take a prophylactic dose until i finished the bag of d mannose. I don't remember exactly when, but it was early January when I noticed foamy urine. Searching on the net, i read that could mean protein in urine and kidney problems. At this point I was completely oblivious to the possible connection to my previous intake of d mannose. I bought a urine test strip from the pharmacy. The test seemed ok, no blood or white cells or anything suspicious. Although the square for proteins had a slight greenish tint(yellow means negative, green means positive for proteins, mine was a greenish yellow)
Anyway, I thought that was no big deal, eventually my urine wasn't bubbly anymore and forgot about the whole ordeal. Life went on as usual. Recently I started having some minor issues, developed rosacea and dry eyes the past few months which eventually caused blepharitis (eyelid infection). So i went to the family doctor to get a prescription. Got a blood test as well. Well. My kidneys work as well as an 80 year olds. I'm 35. Creatinine & potassium higher than normal. 62 GFR. I'm perplexed. Is this caused by my cuti? It may as well be. I finally make a connection in my brain. I recently bought another bag of d mannose and i took this time two teaspoons once. Which is the daily reccomended max dose on the package. Next day i have foamy urine again. I begin to suspect that high doses of d mannose are not good for the kidneys. I research the internet again and find out that high doses of d mannose can indeed damage the kidneys. Great. I might have permanently damaged my kidney function. I just want to scream. I did this to myself. I can't 100% be sure that this is what happened. But i highly suspect that it is.
I felt compelled to write this post because I don't want this to happen to anyone else. Because sometimes our pain can impair our judgement. Because it is here I've read about high doses of d mannose. I don't blame anyone except myself. For not doing my due diligence. Be careful everyone, please. Don't be like me. Don't rush into a treatment because you're desperate. I thought i was smart enough to not do something this stupid. But us chronically ill people are susceptible to all kinds of promises of a cure all, sometimes to our own detriment. I just didn't think it would be me. Take care everyone.

My mother was severely mentally ill from America, and had suffered horrendous sexual, physical, and mental abuse at the hands of strangers and her family.
My father was much older and a very powerful and successful lawyer from Egypt.
He can't explain what he saw in her, as she was clearly mentally ill from childhood. I'm sure my mother's father had no qualms selling her, or her future children, given the horror stories I've heard of him and his own online blatant obsession with infants and children per his FB account. He was such a monster that my maternal grandmother tried to kill him once.
My mother's breast milk was bad, and I was starved and abused from literal birth, subject to her hatred of my cries for food and affection.
My father left the house 3 hours early each day because she was too much. He eventually divorced by the time I was 3.
From 3-5, my mother lived with a pedophile who dressed me as a girl and raped me. He would antagonize me and say "if you want to cry like a bitch girl, then you'll be one" - I've remembered this repeated line since I was a child.
I was a horrible child given the abuse I suffered. In my whole life, 9 different people have sexually assaulted me. My family never got me any help for my clear trauma as a child.
By 12, my dad had remarried and dropped me off with a bunch of random Muslim strangers. He went from a drunkard to sober and traveling internationally for work all the time, rubbing shoulders with some of the most powerful people in the world. He was home 1 month total out of the year, while I was abandoned with a bunch of strangers called step family. They didn't care for their traumatized and broken addition.
Instead, they let me rot in front of TV. Then a computer with porn. By 12 I had a full blown cyber sex and porn addiction. I had literally zero attention or care or affection at home. There was never any family time, family dinner, vacations, talks about each others day, nothing.
By 14, I was so lonely and desperate, I'd decided pretending to be a girl online for sexual gratification would be a good idea, since being a teenage boy was getting me no luck most times. I got a lot of attention using fake pictures. I didn't even discover what a sissy was until about 15 years later.
My family knew what I was doing. NetNanny and such were installed, but no talks were ever given. It was easy to uninstall and my parents never pushed back.
By 16, I'd looked up porn and chatted as a girl on every computer I touched, and my maternal grandmother called me out in front of a bunch of family members. They knew everything. But they did nothing to help me from there, and continued to very happily leave me alone and let me rot with my terrible addiction and habits.
Using random pictures became difficult, and by 20 I started using my 19 year old step-sisters pictures. Again, family is monitoring networks and well aware of what I'm doing, but that reality hadn't fully set in for me because they weren't helping me or reacting to anything, they acted like nothing was wrong. I figured it didn't matter, much like the rest of the craziness and abuse they never helped me with and gaslit me as my fault.
I had two very long relationships with women, both of whom were very happy to isolate and only have sex with me. No social dates, no friends around, all in a pretend bubble. My sissy stuff was a secret to them in my head but I don't believe to them given how careless I was, along with their actions. I married the 2nd one and she went on to lie to me for 8 years saying she was okay with it, only to later be mad at me for being "inconsistent" and wanting to drop the sissy stuff because I felt she actually didn't like it and it stemmed from my abuse, and was interfering with our relationship. She never suggested stopping and once we divorced, she finally admitted how much she hated it and me for having that desire.
My addiction went on for over 20 years. Multiple people in my family knew, along with two very strange and long relationships. I was never pushed to work or get a job - I was bankrolled and allowed to fester with my addiction. Like they wanted it to get worse. Any attempt I ever made to get independent financially or socially was treated as a joke by my family. They've never tried to form a relationship with me or help me at all, but knowingly let me rot as a child and into adulthood, and never tried to "be there" for me in any capacity. Total isolation, no love or relationships.
I was not born this way. I have no attraction to men. I have no desire to be a girl. This was done to me and no help was given to me to figure it out.
I'm extremely angry, and I hurt for so many others who I know who are like me and had this forced on them, or at the very least knowingly allowed to happen by cowardly "family" driven by inaction and pettiness.
I firmly believe there is a cult of human trafficking out there that is doing this on purpose, and that it is operated by the highest levels of society and even extends into our schools.
I'm writing this with no expectation other than to ignite a fire to fight in those who are like me. There is going to be hell to pay for what was done to us. If you feel like I do, reach out and let's help one another get past this and bring this whole thing down.

My boyfriend (27M) and I (27F) have been together for about 3 years. I love him a lot, and our relationship is the best relationship I’ve ever been in, hands down. But while I still feel like there are things to sort out, he has expressed many times that he knows he wants to marry me and have kids with me, etc. For some reason, that is making me feel crazy—how can he be so sure while I am not?
Background on long distance: Currently, I live in Los Angeles and he lives in Miami. I just moved to L.A. in December, because I have always wanted to live there, I have a good amount of friends there from school and summer camp, and I feel like right now I’m not tied down with home owning or kids or taking care of my parents, etc. so now is a good time to try a new city, try new adventures. (my two bests girl friends also agreed to move to L.A. with me, so even more reason!). He doesn’t really understand that mindset and hasn’t have the urge to try a new city, so while I would’ve been happy if he came with me, I was very transparent that I didn’t want him to come JUST for me, I wanted him to want to come a little for himself—and since no part of him wanted to come, he stayed. I have loved it so far, and although he obviously wishes we were together, he is mostly supportive. I’ve done long distance before, so I wasn’t worried about it going into it. Actually, at first, he said he didn’t want to do long distance at all, and we were planning to break up, but he changed his mind and honestly it hasn’t been bad. I’ve been busy with work and he’s writing a book, so it’s given us both time to focus on our other duties in life. Sometimes he will make comments like, “well we could do that together…if you were here” but I understand he’s just trying to cope. I have a lot of friends and at times he does seem to get jealous of me spending time with them or if I mention I met a new acquaintance that is a man, but I would NEVER cheat on him as he has a history of being cheated on, and that’s simply just not something I have an urge to do. I love him very much. Also, EDIT: The plan is for me to live in L.A. for a year, and see if I like it. If I love it, he would move here with me (if that were to happen, I would want to be at the point of certainty that I wanted to marry him). If I don't like it enough, I will move back to Miami--which I think he is counting on. Edit #2 on the LDR: The move to L.A. was in motion before we even met, it was planned and he knew that going in. He has 0 preference about where we settle down, if we do. I only say he hopes I will move back because he hopes that I realize that all along all I have really wanted is to come back and get married pretty soon after. But he has always known I was going to move for a year and then decide on a more long-term location. Neither of us are from Miami or L.A.
Family background: He has a pretty nuclear family; mom, dad, two brothers and a sister. They all get a long and while his whole family is pretty loud, and they sometimes fight, it’s never really been a question on if his parents would stay together or not. The one thing that does bother me is that his mother does take on the stereotypical “nagging” wife/mom role, the butt of a lot of jokes…which is kind of my nightmare. On the other hand, my parents divorced when I was 3 because my mom cheated, and my mom moved away to Montana. I don’t have a great relationship with my mom, but I have done a lot of therapy and worked through a lot of the trauma that came with their separation/ her abandonment. Proud to be doing well, and proud of how much work I’ve put in to get here. I think because of this, I’m obviously more risk averse when it comes to marriage—though I do know that I want to be married and I do want kids, I obviously think it’s a big decision and for my future kids (and myself! And my partner!) it’s not something I take lightly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from cynical about marriage. I just want it to be a thoughtful decision. I naturally worry about losing my independence but think with the right person, it can be a beautiful partnership.
He wants to be married soon, and wants kids sooner rather than later. He’s kind of expressed that he feels like his current life is on hold until he is married and has kids—that life before that is not “real” life. And he says he knows that I’m 100% the person he wants to do it with. I think he COULD be that person, but I feel like there are some deep talks we still need to have. Anytime I ask him what he thinks our life would look like in 5 years, location-wise or financially or even just how we spend our free time, he just says “I don’t know, we will figure it out.” It feels like he thinks everything will just spell itself out for us once we get married…but I would like to know at least some of the direction of the path that I am signing up for. He is not an overly ambitious person career wise, and I’m more of an overall planner and more career oriented, so I feel like I will end of making a lot of the big decisions on my own and will will be the bigger breadwinner, which is fine…but it doesn’t feel like the equal partnership I’ve always dreamed of. I know not every bucket of life (finances, childcare, housework, etc.) can be split 50/50, but I think the splits should be distributed enough that one person doesn’t carry too much. Which IMO, which is what led to my parents divorce. And with a single father raising me, I had to be very independent and take care of a lot of things myself. And I’m good at it. But after 2.5 decades of it, I am tired. I want a partner who I can fall back on and who can take care of me sometimes. My BF is great at doing this in the short term, but I fear his rose colored glasses about marriage are clouding his ability to be able to really understand the practicalities/realities/challenges of building a life together. I’m worried it’s been a good fit for where we were in our lives in our mid twenties, with the same circle of friends, but maybe incompatible for the long run. Also, our politics are kind of different, so that’s fun. But something I think I can work with.
But I love him so much :( he is funny and loving and I enjoy the little bubble of life we’ve created thus far. I think he would be a great dad. He makes me feel beautiful, and of course it is nice to hear that someone is so sure about you. But the imbalance in our “sureness” is making me feel like a total asshole. Maybe it would be dumb to throw away this great person…maybe I am letting my childhood get in the way.
As I’ve said, I’ve done a lot of therapy so I am usually pretty good about processing my emotions…but this really has me spiraling lol. And I have talked to my therapist about this too, don’t worry. Just curious about Reddit opinions!!! Should I stick it out—and if so, what could I do, to try to get clarity and be more (or less…) sure.
TL;DR - My boyfriend (27M) says he’s 100% sure about marrying me (27F) and I don’t understand how he could be so sure and it’s making me less sure, I feel like there is still a lot to figure out. What can I do to get clarity?