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2008.05.29 22:40 Human Resources
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2017.07.04 15:29 ridicusauce California State Workers
An unofficial, casual place for State of California Workers, Union Members, Prospective Employees, and other people interested in State employment to discuss news, events and other items. Do you work for the State of California? Are you interested in knowing about what a job at the State of California is like? Well, this is the place!
2016.10.14 15:45 Vmoney1337 Fake History Porn
Fake History Porn : A subreddit dedicated to Fake History
2024.05.21 15:13 Illustrious-Hair853 2017 ford focus jump started and it wont go in reverse
Mine is a 2017 ford focus SE. So it all started when I connected an ledge display to battery port in the car and forgot to remove it overnight. The battery discharged and I jumpstarted and drove for a day and went on a trip for a week. When I came back the car is dead again, so I jumpstarted it, but I noticed weird smell of wires burning and got it check next day and jiffy lube. They said the battery went out and replaced it for $260 with 3 year warranty.
I drove the car for another 2 days and I didn't notice anything except for the car kept shuddering sometimes when starting from rest like at signals or stop signs. Suddenly after two days when I went to a restaurant and came back the car is dead with no power in it again. So I jumpstarted the car with a battery pack that I have. It started and in the midnight all of a sudden the battery died again this time the car did not jumpstart with the battery pack. I had to jumpstart it with a car running and it came back on after leaving it for 5 minutes or so. This time car doesn't go in reverse how much gas pedal you put on and in drive mode doesn't go past 10mph. So in my understanding it is stuck in first gear and I had someone to check it next day and he said OBD gave P287b and P2837 codes "shift fork calibration not learned". And he says we need to change TCM or transmission itself. I don't have that much money and I don't understand how it happened.
Can someone please help. MechanicAdvice
submitted by Illustrious-Hair853 to AskMechanics [link] [comments]
I drove the car for another 2 days and I didn't notice anything except for the car kept shuddering sometimes when starting from rest like at signals or stop signs. Suddenly after two days when I went to a restaurant and came back the car is dead with no power in it again. So I jumpstarted the car with a battery pack that I have. It started and in the midnight all of a sudden the battery died again this time the car did not jumpstart with the battery pack. I had to jumpstart it with a car running and it came back on after leaving it for 5 minutes or so. This time car doesn't go in reverse how much gas pedal you put on and in drive mode doesn't go past 10mph. So in my understanding it is stuck in first gear and I had someone to check it next day and he said OBD gave P287b and P2837 codes "shift fork calibration not learned". And he says we need to change TCM or transmission itself. I don't have that much money and I don't understand how it happened.
Can someone please help. MechanicAdvice
2024.05.21 15:12 Bel0vedIllusi0n Sister insults me, later pays the price š©
I posted this story on pettyrevenge but got some private messages to post it here.
This happened about 10 years ago. I was at home, and my cat was being a little crazy (as cats do). My sister saw my cat scratching on the carpet and made a snarky comment to my mom, who I was living with at the time, that I should get rid of that "stupid bitch of a cat and get her put down." and started laughing. I of course react not so nicely, and she asks me why I am being a "Cunt". My sister is a chronic shit-stirrer, so she made me upset, and I left for an event I had to go to.
A few hours later, I get a call, and I answer. It was a police officer. I thought the worst and asked what was going on. It turns out my dad was at a bar, and I guess he got a little too tipsy. They said he was lying down next to the building and pooped himself. I, of course, am pretty close to said bar, but my sister was too. I told the police officer on the phone that I was at an event and was not available and to call my sister. I gave him my sister's number and put my phone on Do Not Disturb. I checked my phone an hour later and had five missed calls, as well as a bunch of texts from her saying that she got a call from the officer and that Dad needed to be picked up immediately before they took him to the police station.
It turns out she went to pick him up, and his pants were worse than the officer said. She had to clean him up quite a bit before taking him back home. I had voicemails cussing me out about how she had to pick him up and clean him. I called her back later and asked how it went. She was angry and asked why I couldn't do it. I tell her, "Sorry, I was too busy putting my stupid bitch of a cat down" and hang up. No, my cat was not put down, and she for sure got the message to not mess with me again.
Edit to add context: The carpet was a piece of carpet that was cut out and leftover from the house being built, my mom was okay with the cat scratching that piece of carpet.
Edit 2: mom and dad are divorced, that's why I got called instead
Edit 3: cat tax linked in comments
submitted by Bel0vedIllusi0n to ProRevenge [link] [comments]
This happened about 10 years ago. I was at home, and my cat was being a little crazy (as cats do). My sister saw my cat scratching on the carpet and made a snarky comment to my mom, who I was living with at the time, that I should get rid of that "stupid bitch of a cat and get her put down." and started laughing. I of course react not so nicely, and she asks me why I am being a "Cunt". My sister is a chronic shit-stirrer, so she made me upset, and I left for an event I had to go to.
A few hours later, I get a call, and I answer. It was a police officer. I thought the worst and asked what was going on. It turns out my dad was at a bar, and I guess he got a little too tipsy. They said he was lying down next to the building and pooped himself. I, of course, am pretty close to said bar, but my sister was too. I told the police officer on the phone that I was at an event and was not available and to call my sister. I gave him my sister's number and put my phone on Do Not Disturb. I checked my phone an hour later and had five missed calls, as well as a bunch of texts from her saying that she got a call from the officer and that Dad needed to be picked up immediately before they took him to the police station.
It turns out she went to pick him up, and his pants were worse than the officer said. She had to clean him up quite a bit before taking him back home. I had voicemails cussing me out about how she had to pick him up and clean him. I called her back later and asked how it went. She was angry and asked why I couldn't do it. I tell her, "Sorry, I was too busy putting my stupid bitch of a cat down" and hang up. No, my cat was not put down, and she for sure got the message to not mess with me again.
Edit to add context: The carpet was a piece of carpet that was cut out and leftover from the house being built, my mom was okay with the cat scratching that piece of carpet.
Edit 2: mom and dad are divorced, that's why I got called instead
Edit 3: cat tax linked in comments
2024.05.21 15:12 ComicalChinchilla Is this legal? Should I contact DODD?
So I work for a facility that has over 80 kids, all mentally challenged. We have many who are non speaking. My job consist of me taking these kids to doctor appointments, emergency visits, or taking them to visit county/family/foster in their lives. At times I have to drive far places. I even discharge residents /pick up new residents. Iāve noticed our nursing department gets to bill every time a resident is on any medical visit. But Iām the one sitting there with them the entire time, signing them in, communicating with the doctors, even setting up follow ups. Sometime last year all of our DSP got bonuses on their checks for working with the residents during Covid a lot of these bonuses consisted of 1,000+ and my team got nothing, when we asked we were told we arenāt considered DSP but yet when I am 6 hours away from town, taking a resident to a visit, some wear diapers, I have had to change them plenty of times, I have to feed them, and I have to give them their medications. So we arenāt considered DSP or medical staff therefore we do not get this bonus money, instead they give us an extra 125 every few weeks. Thatās nothing compared to what everyone else makes. And our boss got a brand new 2024 car on the company? Iām starting to think they took our money and lied to our faces but we have one of the hardest jobs in this facility.
I want to speak up but I donāt know where to go? The DSP here have the luxury of putting a resident in the shower when they poop all over themselves, we have to take them in a bathroom and spend 30+ minutes trying to clean them up the best we can. And nursing just sits up there making appointments, canceling them, and half the time we drive far distances just for them to have canceled or reschedule and didnāt communicate that with our team. So the kid was out of programming and we just wasted a lot of time and gas just to come back and actually do the appointment in the near future.
submitted by ComicalChinchilla to directsupport [link] [comments]
I want to speak up but I donāt know where to go? The DSP here have the luxury of putting a resident in the shower when they poop all over themselves, we have to take them in a bathroom and spend 30+ minutes trying to clean them up the best we can. And nursing just sits up there making appointments, canceling them, and half the time we drive far distances just for them to have canceled or reschedule and didnāt communicate that with our team. So the kid was out of programming and we just wasted a lot of time and gas just to come back and actually do the appointment in the near future.
2024.05.21 15:10 Repressed_Cliche A few food substitutions ideas
DISCLAIMER: I am aware that many people will not be able to benefit from these, everyoneās safe foods and symptoms are different, some diets are extremely restrictive, some people are highly reactive, etc. Compared to some stories on this sub my MCAS is pretty mild.
That said, I was talking with a friend recently about what I cook for myself and I thought I might share a few of the subs Iāve used in the past for various off-limits ingredients.
submitted by Repressed_Cliche to MCAS [link] [comments]
That said, I was talking with a friend recently about what I cook for myself and I thought I might share a few of the subs Iāve used in the past for various off-limits ingredients.
- I canāt have whole grain corn, and corn floumasa especially makes me very sick. Flour tortillas are great, and also for tortilla chips this may sound weird but the plain baked Ritz crackers are actually great for eating salsa. Theyāre crunchy enough to give the same sensation of eating corn chips. Dip them in just about anything.
- I canāt have rice, which to be honest is hard to work around and I really miss it. However, for many dishes that use rice, I find that plain couscous is a great sub. For āfried riceā, for example, cooking the couscous in chicken or beef stock with some light seasoning can give it that same savory rich flavor that fried rice often does without using things like sesame oil, which is another no for me.
- Another rice sub is orzo, though it absorbs a lot of moisture so itās better with things that have a sauce component, and not as good for things like gumbo, where it may become very soggy.
- Nutella and peanut butter. While I can handle a small amount (like a handful or so) of tree nuts/peanuts, I avoid them for the most part. Ground nut products like peanut butter make me react very badly though to be fair that may be because of cross contamination (iykyk). Iāve had good success with sunflower seed butter, though I admit peanut butter tastes way better. Bizarrely, some brands have chocolate sunflower seed butter and while it is slightly chocolatey, I find it tastes more like regular peanut butter. I have no idea how that works!
- Although I can and do eat/drink regular dairy products all the time, Iāve also found unsweetened oat milk to be a good alternative if you canāt have cows milk.
- Soy is in everything these days, and while I can actually consume some super refined soy products like soy sauce or soy lecithin, many other things are off the table. Thankfully, many brands are starting to use sunflower or safflower instead of soy products! Iāve noticed this in Aldi especially but there are a lot of products even just over the last year or so that used soy and now use sunflower. Also, if youāre into vegan things, Impossible brand has soy protein, but Beyond uses pea protein and the times Iāve had it Iāve had zero bad effects. Iām not a vegan, but eating with vegan friends, Iāve become quite fond of the beyond beef flavor and will occasionally cook it for myself.
- Actually, if youāre allergic to any animal products, check out vegan cookbooks and recipes etc. In baking, for instance, if you need an egg substitute, my personal favorite is pumpkin purĆ©e.
- I canāt have shellfish, which isnāt easily replaced, but I will say that if you like scallops, sliced and sautĆ©ed king trumpet mushroom stems are shockingly similar in pasta and take on spices and flavor not unlike seafood.
2024.05.21 15:10 Illustrious-Hair853 New battery went dead and after vigorous jump start 2017 ford focus wont go in reverse and check engine light is on.
Mine is a 2017 ford focus SE. So it all started when I connected an ledge display to battery port in the car and forgot to remove it overnight. The battery discharged and I jumpstarted and drove for a day and went on a trip for a week. When I came back the car is dead again, so I jumpstarted it, but I noticed weird smell of wires burning and got it check next day and jiffy lube. They said the battery went out and replaced it for $260 with 3 year warranty.
I drove the car for another 2 days and I didn't notice anything except for the car kept shuddering sometimes when starting from rest like at signals or stop signs. Suddenly after two days when I went to a restaurant and came back the car is dead with no power in it again. So I jumpstarted the car with a battery pack that I have. It started and in the midnight all of a sudden the battery died again this time the car did not jumpstart with the battery pack. I had to jumpstart it with a car running and it came back on after leaving it for 5 minutes or so. This time car doesn't go in reverse how much gas pedal you put on and in drive mode doesn't go past 10mph. So in my understanding it is stuck in first gear and I had someone to check it next day and he said OBD gave P287b and P2837 codes "shift fork calibration not learned". And he says we need to change TCM or transmission itself. I don't have that much money and I don't understand how it happened.
Can someone please help. MechanicAdvice
submitted by Illustrious-Hair853 to MechanicAdvice [link] [comments]
I drove the car for another 2 days and I didn't notice anything except for the car kept shuddering sometimes when starting from rest like at signals or stop signs. Suddenly after two days when I went to a restaurant and came back the car is dead with no power in it again. So I jumpstarted the car with a battery pack that I have. It started and in the midnight all of a sudden the battery died again this time the car did not jumpstart with the battery pack. I had to jumpstart it with a car running and it came back on after leaving it for 5 minutes or so. This time car doesn't go in reverse how much gas pedal you put on and in drive mode doesn't go past 10mph. So in my understanding it is stuck in first gear and I had someone to check it next day and he said OBD gave P287b and P2837 codes "shift fork calibration not learned". And he says we need to change TCM or transmission itself. I don't have that much money and I don't understand how it happened.
Can someone please help. MechanicAdvice
2024.05.21 15:09 theabominableslowman Advice on convincing psych of inner aka
Hi all,
Looking for some advice āŗļø From the UK here.
Background: Suffered with panic disorder, GAD and anxiety induced depression for ten years but was medicated well with SSRI Sertraline. Unfortunately, somebody spiked my drink last march and I suffered from mild serotonin syndrome (SS). I had to cold turkey the Sertraline to save my life and when I reinstated a week later after I recovered from SS it never worked the same way again. I have tried 6 SSRIs/SNRIs/pregablin since and they work for a week or two and then I have a serotonin toxicity reaction and get pulled off them cold turkey. This was all done by my general doctor and not a psychiatrist. Unfortunately I ended up in the emergency department a month ago due to the awful side effects and SI I had after a bad reaction to cymbalta. This was stopped cold turkey again after taking it for a week.
I believe this is where my aka started. Itās more mental that physical as I do not need to pace but I have the severe sense of dread and terror X10000 compared to the anxiety and panic I used to deal with. I am also incredibly irritable with dark obsessive thoughts which has led me to want to jump out my skin and I can relate to a lot of you on here.
I was assigned a consultant psychiatrist who prescribed me quetiapine. I was taking this at night to help me sleep and in the day to manage my anxiety and sense of dread. It worked to a certain extent as it just sedated and zombified me. I suffered with extrapyramidal symptoms such as tremor and urinary retention/bloating so my dose is down to just 50XR release at night to help me sleep and I will be coming off this soon (I am wanting to go down to 25mg to wean myself off but consultant doesnāt believe thatās needed). I am now on Lamictal {Lamotrigine and have been taking 25mg for 6 days now. I feel like itās made my anxiety worse and Iām taking small amount of diazepam (max 2mg bd) to help me through.
Itās obvious that I have been completely polydrugged and have had severe reactions to serotonin re uptake inhibitors which I have been pulled off cold turkey which has made everything a lot worse. My CNS is now in haywire and I am having constant adrenaline dumps creating terror and fear which has led me to be petrified of being alone or going to the shops etc where I am now a hermit living back with my parents. Iām grateful I have a supportive network.
I am now really struggling with the inner aka and it is completely debilitating. However, I am thankful that I donāt have the physical symptoms as I canāt begin to imagine the pain some of you are going through with that.
I have a meeting with the psychiatrist on Friday and want to explain that I believe I have inner aka and want to be treated for this and come off the quetiapine and lamictal. Iām afraid they will gaslight me and want to prescribe more drugs (his next option was ablify which is a huge no go after reading on here and doing my research). What I want to know is:
Any help or guidance on how to engage with psychs about this inner aka would be much appreciated.
submitted by theabominableslowman to Akathisia [link] [comments]
Looking for some advice āŗļø From the UK here.
Background: Suffered with panic disorder, GAD and anxiety induced depression for ten years but was medicated well with SSRI Sertraline. Unfortunately, somebody spiked my drink last march and I suffered from mild serotonin syndrome (SS). I had to cold turkey the Sertraline to save my life and when I reinstated a week later after I recovered from SS it never worked the same way again. I have tried 6 SSRIs/SNRIs/pregablin since and they work for a week or two and then I have a serotonin toxicity reaction and get pulled off them cold turkey. This was all done by my general doctor and not a psychiatrist. Unfortunately I ended up in the emergency department a month ago due to the awful side effects and SI I had after a bad reaction to cymbalta. This was stopped cold turkey again after taking it for a week.
I believe this is where my aka started. Itās more mental that physical as I do not need to pace but I have the severe sense of dread and terror X10000 compared to the anxiety and panic I used to deal with. I am also incredibly irritable with dark obsessive thoughts which has led me to want to jump out my skin and I can relate to a lot of you on here.
I was assigned a consultant psychiatrist who prescribed me quetiapine. I was taking this at night to help me sleep and in the day to manage my anxiety and sense of dread. It worked to a certain extent as it just sedated and zombified me. I suffered with extrapyramidal symptoms such as tremor and urinary retention/bloating so my dose is down to just 50XR release at night to help me sleep and I will be coming off this soon (I am wanting to go down to 25mg to wean myself off but consultant doesnāt believe thatās needed). I am now on Lamictal {Lamotrigine and have been taking 25mg for 6 days now. I feel like itās made my anxiety worse and Iām taking small amount of diazepam (max 2mg bd) to help me through.
Itās obvious that I have been completely polydrugged and have had severe reactions to serotonin re uptake inhibitors which I have been pulled off cold turkey which has made everything a lot worse. My CNS is now in haywire and I am having constant adrenaline dumps creating terror and fear which has led me to be petrified of being alone or going to the shops etc where I am now a hermit living back with my parents. Iām grateful I have a supportive network.
I am now really struggling with the inner aka and it is completely debilitating. However, I am thankful that I donāt have the physical symptoms as I canāt begin to imagine the pain some of you are going through with that.
I have a meeting with the psychiatrist on Friday and want to explain that I believe I have inner aka and want to be treated for this and come off the quetiapine and lamictal. Iām afraid they will gaslight me and want to prescribe more drugs (his next option was ablify which is a huge no go after reading on here and doing my research). What I want to know is:
- if you suffer with inner aka only, how did you manage to convince your psych that this is what you have and that the drugs are doing more damage?
- if they gaslight you, how do you cope with that?
Any help or guidance on how to engage with psychs about this inner aka would be much appreciated.
2024.05.21 15:08 Real_Neighborhood240 Uncovering Solutions and Embracing Optimism: Your Journey with The Best Infertility Doctor in Thane.
 | https://preview.redd.it/bl6uyjhx2s1d1.jpg?width=5583&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3723ca69662ebd5b1fd5f31316716c0358c0f284 submitted by Real_Neighborhood240 to u/Real_Neighborhood240 [link] [comments] IntroductionStep into a realm of hope and endless potential, guided by none other than the best infertility doctor in Thane. In the face of infertility's hurdles, Dr. Rita Modi's profound expertise and steadfast support offer a beacon of hope. As your reliable companion on the path to parenthood, Dr. Modi is devoted to transforming your dreams into tangible joys. Whether you're on the lookout for infertility doctors in nearby or in search of best fertility doctor in Thane, Dr. Rita Modi's unmatched proficiency and dedication position her as the prime selection for those seeking infertility solutions in Thane.Deciphering Infertility:Infertility, a condition where couples struggle to conceive after a year of consistent, unprotected intercourse, impacts both genders. Amidst this journey, turning to the best infertility doctor in Thane is paramount. These proficient specialists provide tailored care and individualized treatment strategies, accompanied by empathetic support, to navigate couples through their path to parenthood. Dr. Rita Modi, distinguished as the best fertility doctor, offers holistic care and invaluable guidance to individuals seeking resolution for their fertility challenges.Diving into the Different Facets of Infertility:
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2024.05.21 15:06 andreiz19 Thought we built a perfect relationship, WTF? My M(41) wife (F37) of 10 years (12 together) out of the blue decided she wasn't in love anymore and wants to "YOLO" it. She is moving out next month. We have a 3 year old boy. Where to go from here? What am I overlooking?
Background: We are in the US, MCOL major east coast city. We own a house and a car. Income is jointly 200k+, split more of less equally. Expenses are divided equally. Both have Masters degrees. Political and ethical values are almost exactly aligned across all subjects. We have a normal social circle (somewhat diminished by COVID) with regular interactions, weekly brunches, sports watching, game nights etc. I am on great terms with her family, her mother and brother visit 3-4 times a year and stay with us. My parents visit 5-6 times a year a stay with us as well. As far as I can tell she is on good terms with them as well. Both of our parents and relatives are extremely supportive and friendly. Life has been on basically easy mode for the last 5 years, which is ironically one of her complaints: "We are just coasting". We are doing great financially, maxing out (401k) and saving for our kids education. We are both calm and rational. Fight frequency is around 3 times per year and manifests itself as us just taking time and space apart for a few days and everything goes back to normal. There is no yelling, or physical violence, or any discomfort. It's more of a "I need some space to myself right now".
Last month my wife announced she is leaving next month. This came as a complete shock to me. At first I thought it was a joke, then an attempt to get me to do something, then the realization she was serious. I have attempted everything I can think of to find an avenue of moving forward together but all has fallen on deaf ears. I offered counseling, taking time apart, seeing other people romantically, a period of focusing of treating each other with special care and affection, etc. Everything has been dismissed without any thought. Furthermore, I'm not getting a further explanation than "I'm not in love anymore". Ok, now admittedly the intensity of the romantic feelings have declined, but I thought this was just the natural cycle of being married. Intense romantic attraction over time transforms into something more stable with age. A form of love where companionship, friendship, non physical affection take an increasingly more prominent role as the relationship ages and I was ok with it. Until very recently we still had a healthy sexual life (about 10 times per week). I find her attractive and it came as a complete shock when she announced seemingly out of nowhere that she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. We had disagreements in the past about the sex frequency and settled on 2.5 hours per week whenever possible of sexy time devoted entirely to us. At some point she started making jokes about how my sexual drive is supposed to slow down at this point and maybe I should find a younger woman to satisfy me. I thought this was just playful banter.
It is my personal belief that a good relationship is based on the quality of the experiences people have together. Earlier in the relationship, we traveled all across the world, taking a month of vacation per year to exotic places. We ran marathons together, played video games together, cooked together, did yoga together, etc. The nature of our experiences together was always overwhelmingly positive. When we decided to have kids we came to an agreement that we'd stay together no matter what until they were 18, this is part of the reason I feel betrayed now. I realize it's a stupid thing to agree to, but it made sense at the time. Since she got pregnant everything changed, our relationship didn't just not take priority, it fell out of the top 10. Work, childcare, her personal hobbies, her extended family all of a sudden became more important. I was cognizant of this change and tried to implement special time for us alone together, but was met with lukewarm responses at best. She was dragging her feet on everything, making it seem that usual things like attending a friends wedding was all of a sudden a great favor she was doing for everyone. I tried my best to suggest things for us to do together, but increasingly got rejected more and more. Fine. I thought this was just a phase. We'll tough it out and recapture the magic as our kid gets older. I should say that she has been acting depressed, not enjoying life, complaining about work more and more. One complaint she had since our kid was born was lack of support in childcare. In the first 2 years, our child preferred the company of his mother, I thought this was normal and understandable. We tried multiple times for me to give him baths, get him dressed, but he would always start crying and ask for his mother. Since he became 3, he increasingly wants to spend time with me more and more. So while asking for more help, my wife refused offers for me to make school lunches, get him dressed for school, and walk him to school and back. I'm lost on how to proceed.
Goal #1: Discover and work towards a future in which we stay together as a family.
Goal #2: If goal #1 is not possible, work towards the best possible future for our kid.
submitted by andreiz19 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
Last month my wife announced she is leaving next month. This came as a complete shock to me. At first I thought it was a joke, then an attempt to get me to do something, then the realization she was serious. I have attempted everything I can think of to find an avenue of moving forward together but all has fallen on deaf ears. I offered counseling, taking time apart, seeing other people romantically, a period of focusing of treating each other with special care and affection, etc. Everything has been dismissed without any thought. Furthermore, I'm not getting a further explanation than "I'm not in love anymore". Ok, now admittedly the intensity of the romantic feelings have declined, but I thought this was just the natural cycle of being married. Intense romantic attraction over time transforms into something more stable with age. A form of love where companionship, friendship, non physical affection take an increasingly more prominent role as the relationship ages and I was ok with it. Until very recently we still had a healthy sexual life (about 10 times per week). I find her attractive and it came as a complete shock when she announced seemingly out of nowhere that she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. We had disagreements in the past about the sex frequency and settled on 2.5 hours per week whenever possible of sexy time devoted entirely to us. At some point she started making jokes about how my sexual drive is supposed to slow down at this point and maybe I should find a younger woman to satisfy me. I thought this was just playful banter.
It is my personal belief that a good relationship is based on the quality of the experiences people have together. Earlier in the relationship, we traveled all across the world, taking a month of vacation per year to exotic places. We ran marathons together, played video games together, cooked together, did yoga together, etc. The nature of our experiences together was always overwhelmingly positive. When we decided to have kids we came to an agreement that we'd stay together no matter what until they were 18, this is part of the reason I feel betrayed now. I realize it's a stupid thing to agree to, but it made sense at the time. Since she got pregnant everything changed, our relationship didn't just not take priority, it fell out of the top 10. Work, childcare, her personal hobbies, her extended family all of a sudden became more important. I was cognizant of this change and tried to implement special time for us alone together, but was met with lukewarm responses at best. She was dragging her feet on everything, making it seem that usual things like attending a friends wedding was all of a sudden a great favor she was doing for everyone. I tried my best to suggest things for us to do together, but increasingly got rejected more and more. Fine. I thought this was just a phase. We'll tough it out and recapture the magic as our kid gets older. I should say that she has been acting depressed, not enjoying life, complaining about work more and more. One complaint she had since our kid was born was lack of support in childcare. In the first 2 years, our child preferred the company of his mother, I thought this was normal and understandable. We tried multiple times for me to give him baths, get him dressed, but he would always start crying and ask for his mother. Since he became 3, he increasingly wants to spend time with me more and more. So while asking for more help, my wife refused offers for me to make school lunches, get him dressed for school, and walk him to school and back. I'm lost on how to proceed.
Goal #1: Discover and work towards a future in which we stay together as a family.
Goal #2: If goal #1 is not possible, work towards the best possible future for our kid.
2024.05.21 15:05 TinyLagoonStudios Marketing tips for gaming hits
What does it take to get a great game to become a success in 2024? We have had a look into the latest charts, analytics and surveys to extract some insights to help decipher how to turn a game into a hit.
But donāt underestimate the power of traditional methods either, as word-of-mouth recommendations, online ads, TV, and in-store and online promotions still play a huge part in the discoverability of games, specifically by helping generate trustworthiness, a key feature of successful marketing. Meanwhile, community hubs like Twitch, Reddit and Discord also have a very crucial role in product sustainability and longevity, as another recent surveyĀ³ indicated by stating that approximately 67% of gamers think video games help to build communities and many have established new friendships and even relationships through gaming. Could your game do that too? If youāre new to Reddit or Discord, take a look at our article here for some tips on getting started.
That being said, thereās no need to pick just one platform, as statistics show that people actually use 4 to 5 sources to discover new games. Gone are the days of a one-size-fits-all approach. Today's gamers are a diverse bunch, and understanding their habits is crucial. The key takeaway? A successful marketing strategy should use a multi-platform approach, carefully tailored to your audience.
Looking at the global charts for 2023ā“ and at the top-selling games from April in the EUāµ, it becomes apparent that localisation is a common thread. Letās look more specifically at France: almost every single one of the top 20 best-selling console games of 2023ā¶ has been localised to French, as well as a number of other languages, including Arabic, as is the case with Assassin's Creed Mirage. This particular title makes a very interesting case study of localisation and culturalisation becoming powerful marketing tools themselves, as well as being key to the gameās experience.
Assassin's Creed Mirage was released with an Arabic dub that wasn't just for show. Praised for its authenticity, the accurate localisation, realistic voice acting and cultural details transported players directly into the bustling streets of 9th-century Baghdad. The localisation team meticulously recreated the cultural atmosphere. From the way the characters addressed each other to the background conversations, everything felt authentic. This commitment to culturalisation not only resonated deeply with Arabic-speaking gamers, but also garnered respect from players worldwide, earning positive reviews and strong engagement for Mirage (as seen in this TikTok example). Consequently, the dedication to localisation and culturalisation not only enhanced the game but also acted as a powerful marketing tool in itself to promote sales.
Talking about TikTok, recent studies also reveal that the most popular games on the platform have been localised into several languagesā·. As a social media platform that prides itself on its international communities, itās only to be expected this would be the case. In fact, they recently announced that bilingual ads in Spanish and English are even more effective in promoting content on their platform in the US than English-only ads! And, on top of that, they increased consumersā perception of brandsā trustworthinessāø.
So what can we learn from looking at a recent unexpected rising star? And yes, we are talking about Helldivers 2! With very little pre-launch marketing, the game quickly became a massive hit throughout Europeā¹ and other regionsĀ¹ā°, and it seems to be managing to keep its popularity thanks to its very well-crafted and unique tone of voice. The game's distinct communication style, a blend of dark humour and military jargon, is a key part of its charm. From the hilariously over-the-top mission briefings to the satire-packed and irony-tinted community announcements, their propaganda-inspired marketing, perfectly localised into several languages, keeps players engaged globally.
Sources:
Ā¹ https://indd.adobe.com/view/8892459e-f0f4-4cfd-bf47-f5da5728a5b5?allowFullscreen=true
Ā² https://www.biggamesmachine.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/BGM-Game-discovery-survey-2024.pdf
Ā³ https://www.aevi.org.es/web/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/POP_Version_09-10-spread.pdf
ā“ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/gamesindustrybiz-presents-the-year-in-number-2023
āµ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/fallout-4-jumps-to-no1-across-europe-following-tv-show-launch
ā¶ https://www.sell.fsites/default/files/essentiel-jeu-video/ejv_mars_2024_3.pdf
ā· https://www.gamesindustry.biz/gamesindustrybiz-presents-the-year-in-number-2023
āø https://www.tiktok.com/business/en/blog/bilingual-ads-spanish-hispanic-audience
ā¹ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/european-game-sales-strong-in-february-thanks-to-helldivers-2-european-monthly-charts
Ā¹ā° https://www.gamedeveloper.com/business/helldivers-2-is-estimated-to-have-sold-8-million-copies-so-far-
submitted by TinyLagoonStudios to u/TinyLagoonStudios [link] [comments]
Finding your players: whoās in your squad?
The gaming population keeps increasing year by yearĀ¹, comprising people from all ages and regions, but how are most players discovering new games? Well, the answer is multifaceted, but luckily we found a survey, published this month, May 2024Ā², to inform us ā and yes, this one included non-binary people, a segment of the population you donāt want to ignore in your research! At the top spot, we find YouTube; the most popular and trusted platform to discover games, followed by TikTok. Both are known for their short and long-form video content, as we predicted would be more relevant than ever this year.But donāt underestimate the power of traditional methods either, as word-of-mouth recommendations, online ads, TV, and in-store and online promotions still play a huge part in the discoverability of games, specifically by helping generate trustworthiness, a key feature of successful marketing. Meanwhile, community hubs like Twitch, Reddit and Discord also have a very crucial role in product sustainability and longevity, as another recent surveyĀ³ indicated by stating that approximately 67% of gamers think video games help to build communities and many have established new friendships and even relationships through gaming. Could your game do that too? If youāre new to Reddit or Discord, take a look at our article here for some tips on getting started.
That being said, thereās no need to pick just one platform, as statistics show that people actually use 4 to 5 sources to discover new games. Gone are the days of a one-size-fits-all approach. Today's gamers are a diverse bunch, and understanding their habits is crucial. The key takeaway? A successful marketing strategy should use a multi-platform approach, carefully tailored to your audience.
Internationalisation done well: customising your build
So, we've looked at who your audience is, now it's the turn of localisation. Counting on experts to help you enter a new market and establish trust through a different cultural lens is a strategy that today's top games follow.Looking at the global charts for 2023ā“ and at the top-selling games from April in the EUāµ, it becomes apparent that localisation is a common thread. Letās look more specifically at France: almost every single one of the top 20 best-selling console games of 2023ā¶ has been localised to French, as well as a number of other languages, including Arabic, as is the case with Assassin's Creed Mirage. This particular title makes a very interesting case study of localisation and culturalisation becoming powerful marketing tools themselves, as well as being key to the gameās experience.
Assassin's Creed Mirage was released with an Arabic dub that wasn't just for show. Praised for its authenticity, the accurate localisation, realistic voice acting and cultural details transported players directly into the bustling streets of 9th-century Baghdad. The localisation team meticulously recreated the cultural atmosphere. From the way the characters addressed each other to the background conversations, everything felt authentic. This commitment to culturalisation not only resonated deeply with Arabic-speaking gamers, but also garnered respect from players worldwide, earning positive reviews and strong engagement for Mirage (as seen in this TikTok example). Consequently, the dedication to localisation and culturalisation not only enhanced the game but also acted as a powerful marketing tool in itself to promote sales.
Talking about TikTok, recent studies also reveal that the most popular games on the platform have been localised into several languagesā·. As a social media platform that prides itself on its international communities, itās only to be expected this would be the case. In fact, they recently announced that bilingual ads in Spanish and English are even more effective in promoting content on their platform in the US than English-only ads! And, on top of that, they increased consumersā perception of brandsā trustworthinessāø.
So what can we learn from looking at a recent unexpected rising star? And yes, we are talking about Helldivers 2! With very little pre-launch marketing, the game quickly became a massive hit throughout Europeā¹ and other regionsĀ¹ā°, and it seems to be managing to keep its popularity thanks to its very well-crafted and unique tone of voice. The game's distinct communication style, a blend of dark humour and military jargon, is a key part of its charm. From the hilariously over-the-top mission briefings to the satire-packed and irony-tinted community announcements, their propaganda-inspired marketing, perfectly localised into several languages, keeps players engaged globally.
The final boss: putting it all together
By understanding which platforms your audiences use, their motivations and demographics, and by prioritising localisation to enter different markets, you can significantly increase a game's chances of becoming a global phenomenon. Remember, sometimes itās the little things, like changing the way you approach new markets, that make a big difference. If you need a partner to help you on your journey, get in touch with us here and our team at Tiny Lagoon will be thrilled to join you.Sources:
Ā¹ https://indd.adobe.com/view/8892459e-f0f4-4cfd-bf47-f5da5728a5b5?allowFullscreen=true
Ā² https://www.biggamesmachine.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/BGM-Game-discovery-survey-2024.pdf
Ā³ https://www.aevi.org.es/web/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/POP_Version_09-10-spread.pdf
ā“ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/gamesindustrybiz-presents-the-year-in-number-2023
āµ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/fallout-4-jumps-to-no1-across-europe-following-tv-show-launch
ā¶ https://www.sell.fsites/default/files/essentiel-jeu-video/ejv_mars_2024_3.pdf
ā· https://www.gamesindustry.biz/gamesindustrybiz-presents-the-year-in-number-2023
āø https://www.tiktok.com/business/en/blog/bilingual-ads-spanish-hispanic-audience
ā¹ https://www.gamesindustry.biz/european-game-sales-strong-in-february-thanks-to-helldivers-2-european-monthly-charts
Ā¹ā° https://www.gamedeveloper.com/business/helldivers-2-is-estimated-to-have-sold-8-million-copies-so-far-
2024.05.21 15:05 UltimateTraders 5/21/2024 Daily Plays PANW is a valuation problem, growth is falling into low Teens, may buy the dip on ZM Did bid on CAR ACMR may try MTCH and SOFI at first analysts expected ZIM to lose 83 cents now they made 75 cents, shocked rate was 1,452 but they made a profit! Watching!
Good morning everyone. Going to call the mayor of the small town about 10AM. First time I ever watched a meeting from the town. It was 7PM last night. They covered many topics but when it came to the piece of land I would likeā¦ the members of the committee, 9 people did not want to sell itā¦ They spoke about turning it into a brand new police station. At the moment in the police station is in a basement, shared with a town building. It is a good idea actuallyā¦however, that property has sat empty since it was a bank in 2016!! The town has no money to fix that old building and restore it into a brand new police stationā¦ 5 million????
So I will call with some ideas. The town needs money badly after I watched the meeting. I no longer will ask or a tax abatement, I will ask a capped tax for 20-30 years. If the town wants more money they need more residents. Most of the towns money comes from property taxes, my new building will raise values all over. New people will need to go shopping and will liven the areaā¦. I would like to build something with 80-100 units. LFG!
Some earnings since yesterdayās close:
AZO 60 M 70 [3% decrease in sales] EXP 55 LOW 75TCOM 65 ZIM 75 [Initially expected to lose 83 cents, analysts expected to much!] TUYA 75 YALA 65 NDSN 60 DJT 20 [Net Loss 327 million, Revenue 770k!] TRNS 70 PANW 75 [Valuation, 60x PE about 10-12% growth expected] KEYS 65
ZM 70
Nothing is wrong with the PANW earnings. They will make close to 5 dollars a share and are trading at 60x earnings. With a growth of near 10-12% expected, maybe you can no longer give it a multiple it once had when growth was 30%? I may buy the dip on ZM if 60. They will make near 5 dollars as well! The PE would be near 12! The growth is slow as well, 5-10% but they are far cheaper! It is not a bad business but no longer a growing business. For similar reasons I had traded MTCH after disappointing earnings, and will look again as it dips below 30. ACMR and YOU smashed earnings, had growth and the stocks are down so I am trading those. CAR has been my work horse since February. SOFI has growth of 30-40% and is about to be profitableā¦
If you check back to early January analysts had ZIM losing 83 cents a share. I have pics all over Twitter, even wanted to bet they would crush that! They did! They came in at 75 cent profit. They actually revised for the full year. They are actually paying a dividendā¦ I am disappointed the average freight rate was 1,452! WOW I had checked daily and I saw rates 2,000+ā¦I checked yesterday and they were back to 3,000! So they must have locked in some contractsā¦
The good news is.. that I expected ZIM needed 1,600 avg to break even, so if they made 75 cents a share on 1,452 it means they cut costs drastically.. More good news is that the rates are above 3,000!!! I wouldnāt buy or sell it at the moment, but the coast is much more clearer now. I have sold all my shares near 12ā¦ I was trading it a lot from 9 to 12ā¦. I do not know if it goes back there but I am watchingā¦ With rates higher on container, the cost cuts, 14% growth in sales dollars, 10% more actually cargo, it seems good for ZIMā¦
The market should be watching and will be decided on NVDA ?! NVDA I believe should crush earningsā¦. The company may even announce a dividendā¦ that is speculation but can be bullishā¦
I can tell you I rather give NVDA SMCI a 60x PE than NOW or PANW . NVDA may have sales growth near 100% and earnings 200-300% so that should tell you the valuation issue with PANW.
Please check ACMR YOU numbers and you will understand why to buy PANW is crazy! Only touching the topic because about 5 people were asking me why PANW is falling after earnings.. Nothing is wrong with PANW .. The growth is slowing, it is a great companyā¦ but why would someone pay 60x earnings when growth is slowing near 10%? Where is the value then? Perfection is priced inā¦ so ZM and PYPL grow 5-10% and earnings grow 5% and have a PE near 12? PANW grows slightly more and has a PE near 60?
Keep in mind historically, the SP500 has a PE near 18-19ā¦.For this the SP500 returns to you near 9% a year.
On a good year earnings growth is 5% and sales are 10%... 18-19x PE!
Use that as a reference!
5 Trade Ideas:
ACMR ā I did try and bid 22.50. I also have 500 shares at 25.45, sadly it went up to 26.25 and I wanted 1 dollar or 26.45, but that is ok!
CAR ā I did bid 116 yesterday. I trade 100 shares normally for 2.50-4 dollars each trade. I did make 1 trade recently for 11 dollars, right after earnings
MTCH ZM ā So So earnings, but valuations near 12x? MTCH my last trade was 28 to 29 on 500. ZM I am looking for 60
SOFI ā I had abused this a lot last year, a few times this year. They are coming closer and closer to making money and still have 30-40% growth, even as they grow largerā¦ HIMS hit 2! They were losing money but growth was 80-100%.. Even years later HIMS growth is still near 50%, big news on Ozempic rival yesterday
CVNA RDDT DJT ā Put ideas, if any of these rally near 5-10%, they are already high but you want to dump the pumps! I will look for puts with 60-90 days
The contents of this post are for information and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute financial, accounting, or legal advice. ... By choosing to make a trade you are responsible for your own actions. Please do some due diligence. These are trades I am making and you can follow along. If you make a winning trade, I do not even expect a bravo or thanks but thatās fine, if you lose on a trade the same difference.. I do not even expect an upvote or rewardā¦ The Elite team is aware of the risks and volatility in the market.
Good luck everyone letās make money. Share trades, ideas here during trading hours. Our main goal here is to make money so I hope we can help eachother. I will be in and out of here as well.
submitted by UltimateTraders to UltimateTraders [link] [comments]
So I will call with some ideas. The town needs money badly after I watched the meeting. I no longer will ask or a tax abatement, I will ask a capped tax for 20-30 years. If the town wants more money they need more residents. Most of the towns money comes from property taxes, my new building will raise values all over. New people will need to go shopping and will liven the areaā¦. I would like to build something with 80-100 units. LFG!
Some earnings since yesterdayās close:
AZO 60 M 70 [3% decrease in sales] EXP 55 LOW 75TCOM 65 ZIM 75 [Initially expected to lose 83 cents, analysts expected to much!] TUYA 75 YALA 65 NDSN 60 DJT 20 [Net Loss 327 million, Revenue 770k!] TRNS 70 PANW 75 [Valuation, 60x PE about 10-12% growth expected] KEYS 65
ZM 70
Nothing is wrong with the PANW earnings. They will make close to 5 dollars a share and are trading at 60x earnings. With a growth of near 10-12% expected, maybe you can no longer give it a multiple it once had when growth was 30%? I may buy the dip on ZM if 60. They will make near 5 dollars as well! The PE would be near 12! The growth is slow as well, 5-10% but they are far cheaper! It is not a bad business but no longer a growing business. For similar reasons I had traded MTCH after disappointing earnings, and will look again as it dips below 30. ACMR and YOU smashed earnings, had growth and the stocks are down so I am trading those. CAR has been my work horse since February. SOFI has growth of 30-40% and is about to be profitableā¦
If you check back to early January analysts had ZIM losing 83 cents a share. I have pics all over Twitter, even wanted to bet they would crush that! They did! They came in at 75 cent profit. They actually revised for the full year. They are actually paying a dividendā¦ I am disappointed the average freight rate was 1,452! WOW I had checked daily and I saw rates 2,000+ā¦I checked yesterday and they were back to 3,000! So they must have locked in some contractsā¦
The good news is.. that I expected ZIM needed 1,600 avg to break even, so if they made 75 cents a share on 1,452 it means they cut costs drastically.. More good news is that the rates are above 3,000!!! I wouldnāt buy or sell it at the moment, but the coast is much more clearer now. I have sold all my shares near 12ā¦ I was trading it a lot from 9 to 12ā¦. I do not know if it goes back there but I am watchingā¦ With rates higher on container, the cost cuts, 14% growth in sales dollars, 10% more actually cargo, it seems good for ZIMā¦
The market should be watching and will be decided on NVDA ?! NVDA I believe should crush earningsā¦. The company may even announce a dividendā¦ that is speculation but can be bullishā¦
I can tell you I rather give NVDA SMCI a 60x PE than NOW or PANW . NVDA may have sales growth near 100% and earnings 200-300% so that should tell you the valuation issue with PANW.
Please check ACMR YOU numbers and you will understand why to buy PANW is crazy! Only touching the topic because about 5 people were asking me why PANW is falling after earnings.. Nothing is wrong with PANW .. The growth is slowing, it is a great companyā¦ but why would someone pay 60x earnings when growth is slowing near 10%? Where is the value then? Perfection is priced inā¦ so ZM and PYPL grow 5-10% and earnings grow 5% and have a PE near 12? PANW grows slightly more and has a PE near 60?
Keep in mind historically, the SP500 has a PE near 18-19ā¦.For this the SP500 returns to you near 9% a year.
On a good year earnings growth is 5% and sales are 10%... 18-19x PE!
Use that as a reference!
5 Trade Ideas:
ACMR ā I did try and bid 22.50. I also have 500 shares at 25.45, sadly it went up to 26.25 and I wanted 1 dollar or 26.45, but that is ok!
CAR ā I did bid 116 yesterday. I trade 100 shares normally for 2.50-4 dollars each trade. I did make 1 trade recently for 11 dollars, right after earnings
MTCH ZM ā So So earnings, but valuations near 12x? MTCH my last trade was 28 to 29 on 500. ZM I am looking for 60
SOFI ā I had abused this a lot last year, a few times this year. They are coming closer and closer to making money and still have 30-40% growth, even as they grow largerā¦ HIMS hit 2! They were losing money but growth was 80-100%.. Even years later HIMS growth is still near 50%, big news on Ozempic rival yesterday
CVNA RDDT DJT ā Put ideas, if any of these rally near 5-10%, they are already high but you want to dump the pumps! I will look for puts with 60-90 days
The contents of this post are for information and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute financial, accounting, or legal advice. ... By choosing to make a trade you are responsible for your own actions. Please do some due diligence. These are trades I am making and you can follow along. If you make a winning trade, I do not even expect a bravo or thanks but thatās fine, if you lose on a trade the same difference.. I do not even expect an upvote or rewardā¦ The Elite team is aware of the risks and volatility in the market.
Good luck everyone letās make money. Share trades, ideas here during trading hours. Our main goal here is to make money so I hope we can help eachother. I will be in and out of here as well.
2024.05.21 15:04 AutoCorrectCorrecter Looking to improve on killer - am sick of 0k games.
Hey there fellow DBD players (enjoyers?)
So I haven't played this game for a few years now, the upcoming killer update has brought me back and wow do I suck.
Consistently when I play killer I can't get a down until multiple gens are done, and usually end a game with a maximum of 1 kill. It feels brutal to get back into the game as someone who only has around 150 hours when every game I'm against >1k hour survivors - I feel like I don't stand a chance.
I've tried watching many guide videos on how to have more presence around generators or secure kills or how to loop certain tiles but nothing seems to actually help me get any downs, I just get looped and ran across the map with zero impact, and then even when I do all the gens are done and I lose anyways.
Thought I should come ask people who play what to do rather than just suffering alone and giving up.
Any help is appreciated, thanks!
submitted by AutoCorrectCorrecter to DeadByDaylightKillers [link] [comments]
So I haven't played this game for a few years now, the upcoming killer update has brought me back and wow do I suck.
Consistently when I play killer I can't get a down until multiple gens are done, and usually end a game with a maximum of 1 kill. It feels brutal to get back into the game as someone who only has around 150 hours when every game I'm against >1k hour survivors - I feel like I don't stand a chance.
I've tried watching many guide videos on how to have more presence around generators or secure kills or how to loop certain tiles but nothing seems to actually help me get any downs, I just get looped and ran across the map with zero impact, and then even when I do all the gens are done and I lose anyways.
Thought I should come ask people who play what to do rather than just suffering alone and giving up.
Any help is appreciated, thanks!
2024.05.21 15:02 Yphi-Zirconium Realism of the Rotten Vale : Can Big Snek make Laif ?
Check here for all images : https://imgur.com/a/m0JiXr8
[This is part of a larger video project on the geological past of Monster Hunter World]
Hello everyone from whichever subreddit I might post this in. I was working on a future video project for Monster Hunter World, and wanted to post some of my findings here, because, hey, itās actually pretty interesting imo.
Those findings are specifically about the Coral Highlands and the Rotten Vale and whether the death of a giant fucking Dalamadur could trigger the flourishing of an ecosystem like the Coral Highlands
So, without further ado, letās start !
My objective was to calculate the mass of the giant dalamadur in the Rotten Vale, figure out whatās the average decomposition speed of most animals, and then just multiply both to figure out how long it wouldāve taken for the Rotten Valeās Dalamadur to decompose.
From there on you try to figure out 2 things :
Ill link my spreadsheet later this day, but basically I got a mass of about 342 Million Metric Ton ( fig.1 : https://imgur.com/a/8euzNul ), which is fucking insane. I donāt have anything to compare it immediately but itās just, unimaginably heavy.
Next, Decomposition
When I was researching this subject, I discovered Whale Falls, which are basically the formation of little ecosystem around a whale carcass, which is EXACTLY what I needed. Whale Falls happen in 3 stages, the first one being the decomposition of soft tissue, the second being the colonization of the bones by different animals, and the third stage is the decomposition of the bones themselves. The Fourth Stage, dubbed āReef Stageā on Wikipedia, is when all thatās left are minerals : in other words, all organic matter has been consumed. Now, of course, comparing a snake to a whale leads to some issues, and it might not give us an exact value, especially since the chemical composition of whale and snake bones are completely different, but at least this might give us an approximate value. If anyone know the percentage of lipids in snake bones though, Iām down to calculate using that.
Anyways, after applying the values given by *Wikipedia* for the Whale Fall of a grey Whale, we can figure out how long it takes for a Dalamadur, and by extension, an Ancient Dalamadur, to decompose ( fig. 2 : https://imgur.com/a/Bjl3gEE ).
This gives us a total time until Reef Stage of about 885 MILLIONS YEARS.
THATāS A LONG-ASS TIME
For comparison, On Earth, 885 Millions years ago, Life was literally but a few multicellular organisms that could photosynthesize. Trees, insects, animals, none of them existed yet.
So yeah, having a giant fucking Dalamadur stuck there is plausible, somehow, since by then mountain collision couldāve happened and even after erosion and rifting, the bones would still be there.
Considering also that 50 Millions years of those is just decomposing the Giant Dalamadur until the skeleton is fully colonized, yeah no, this actually makes more sense than we give it credit for
Also, thanks to more *Wikipedia* sources, we have the added knowledge that a grey whale whale fall releases wouldāve released around 17 Million Tons of Carbon.
For comparison, most natural oils and fossil fuels are about 85% Carbon, so if all the Organic Matter of these Giant Dalamadurs were trapped, only one of them could amount to 14.2 Million Tons of petroleum, for example. Since 1kg of Petroleum of Petroleum is about 1.27 Liters ( 1L=>0.79kg), 1 ton of Petroleum is 1270 Liters, this gives us about 1.80E10 L of petroleum, or, in other words, 18 Billion Liters, which is about 112,500,000Barrels. For comparison, we as humans use 97,103,871 Barrels per day, so one Ancient Dalamadur has enough organic matter to to fuel the needs for oil for ALL OF HUMANITY for an ENTIRE DAY.
This made me realize two things :
This is fucking insane
But anyways, Conclusion :
Considering that the Rotten Vale contains more than just one Ancient Dalamadur, and I only used the mmeasurement approximation of the Largest Ancient Dalamadur, aka, the one with the Giant Skull on the Surface level of the Vale, and that Vaal Hazakās control over the area is now forcing all elder dragons migrating to the New World to die there, with part of their energy going too the Elderās Recess :
Yeah, itās more plausible than I thought, I have to say.
Thatās all I have for today, Iāll probably make another post here about the Guiding Lands or maybe even the Everstream someday. Thanks for reading this, if I missed anything or want me to give you some more info on the subject, or even give me some propositions or future video ideas, make sure to comment and also upvote so that more people can see this and I didnāt just spent two days doing research for nothing. See ya !
PS : So I had to rewrite this paragraph due to a fuck up, and also I discovered this after writing all this down, but basically the length of the Ancient Dalamadur might not be accurate, as I've seen posts either saying he's 1-3km long and others saying he's 5-10km long, but, long story short, after doing some calculations, the Ancient Dalamadur's corpse status is realistic if, at minimum, he's about 4-5km long. If anyone could measure the size of the giant dalamadur skull on the surface of the Rotten Vale and the size of a dalamadur head in 4U, we could estimate the length of the Larger Ancient Dalamadur, and, even if it is, like, 1-2km long there are still enough Dalamadur Corpses ( at least 8-9 ) to release enough organic matter to create the coral highlands, I think. If anyone has an actual length tho, I'd be happy to use it, albeit with calculations of how we got to that result.
submitted by Yphi-Zirconium to MonsterHunter [link] [comments]
[This is part of a larger video project on the geological past of Monster Hunter World]
Hello everyone from whichever subreddit I might post this in. I was working on a future video project for Monster Hunter World, and wanted to post some of my findings here, because, hey, itās actually pretty interesting imo.
Those findings are specifically about the Coral Highlands and the Rotten Vale and whether the death of a giant fucking Dalamadur could trigger the flourishing of an ecosystem like the Coral Highlands
So, without further ado, letās start !
My objective was to calculate the mass of the giant dalamadur in the Rotten Vale, figure out whatās the average decomposition speed of most animals, and then just multiply both to figure out how long it wouldāve taken for the Rotten Valeās Dalamadur to decompose.
From there on you try to figure out 2 things :
- Whether this duration is longer than at least 65 Million years ago : Since itās impossible for the Dalamadurs were too large to fit inside the Rotten Vale, a possible theory is that the area was much more open back then, and due to an orogeny which lead to the high mountain ranges in the region and closed of the area in which these chunky bois lived in. Due to the massive size of these Elder Dragons, they probably just eat a lot once, destroying the ecosystem, and then go on to hibernate for long periods of times. Since the largest Dalamadur found in the Rotten Vale is estimated to be around 8-11 km long ( I averaged it to about 9km in length in my calculations ), itās probably not far-fetched to think they might hibernate through hundred of millions of years, which eventually lead to their death in the Vale. This would also explain why youāre appointed in 4U to kill Dalamadurs, as they can absolutely destroy an ecosystem when they get out of hibernation, and an extra bit of lore that could explain why the Dalamadur only appeared in 4U : it was a one-time thing.
- Whether it has enough organic material to sustain an ecosystem.
Ill link my spreadsheet later this day, but basically I got a mass of about 342 Million Metric Ton ( fig.1 : https://imgur.com/a/8euzNul ), which is fucking insane. I donāt have anything to compare it immediately but itās just, unimaginably heavy.
Next, Decomposition
When I was researching this subject, I discovered Whale Falls, which are basically the formation of little ecosystem around a whale carcass, which is EXACTLY what I needed. Whale Falls happen in 3 stages, the first one being the decomposition of soft tissue, the second being the colonization of the bones by different animals, and the third stage is the decomposition of the bones themselves. The Fourth Stage, dubbed āReef Stageā on Wikipedia, is when all thatās left are minerals : in other words, all organic matter has been consumed. Now, of course, comparing a snake to a whale leads to some issues, and it might not give us an exact value, especially since the chemical composition of whale and snake bones are completely different, but at least this might give us an approximate value. If anyone know the percentage of lipids in snake bones though, Iām down to calculate using that.
Anyways, after applying the values given by *Wikipedia* for the Whale Fall of a grey Whale, we can figure out how long it takes for a Dalamadur, and by extension, an Ancient Dalamadur, to decompose ( fig. 2 : https://imgur.com/a/Bjl3gEE ).
This gives us a total time until Reef Stage of about 885 MILLIONS YEARS.
THATāS A LONG-ASS TIME
For comparison, On Earth, 885 Millions years ago, Life was literally but a few multicellular organisms that could photosynthesize. Trees, insects, animals, none of them existed yet.
So yeah, having a giant fucking Dalamadur stuck there is plausible, somehow, since by then mountain collision couldāve happened and even after erosion and rifting, the bones would still be there.
Considering also that 50 Millions years of those is just decomposing the Giant Dalamadur until the skeleton is fully colonized, yeah no, this actually makes more sense than we give it credit for
Also, thanks to more *Wikipedia* sources, we have the added knowledge that a grey whale whale fall releases wouldāve released around 17 Million Tons of Carbon.
For comparison, most natural oils and fossil fuels are about 85% Carbon, so if all the Organic Matter of these Giant Dalamadurs were trapped, only one of them could amount to 14.2 Million Tons of petroleum, for example. Since 1kg of Petroleum of Petroleum is about 1.27 Liters ( 1L=>0.79kg), 1 ton of Petroleum is 1270 Liters, this gives us about 1.80E10 L of petroleum, or, in other words, 18 Billion Liters, which is about 112,500,000Barrels. For comparison, we as humans use 97,103,871 Barrels per day, so one Ancient Dalamadur has enough organic matter to to fuel the needs for oil for ALL OF HUMANITY for an ENTIRE DAY.
This made me realize two things :
- Holy shit so many living things died in the past so that we could use Cars and Airplanes
- Holy shit Humanity is releasing so much fucking CO2ā¦ ( Whyyyy do we keep using fossil fuels ffs )
This is fucking insane
But anyways, Conclusion :
Considering that the Rotten Vale contains more than just one Ancient Dalamadur, and I only used the mmeasurement approximation of the Largest Ancient Dalamadur, aka, the one with the Giant Skull on the Surface level of the Vale, and that Vaal Hazakās control over the area is now forcing all elder dragons migrating to the New World to die there, with part of their energy going too the Elderās Recess :
Yeah, itās more plausible than I thought, I have to say.
Thatās all I have for today, Iāll probably make another post here about the Guiding Lands or maybe even the Everstream someday. Thanks for reading this, if I missed anything or want me to give you some more info on the subject, or even give me some propositions or future video ideas, make sure to comment and also upvote so that more people can see this and I didnāt just spent two days doing research for nothing. See ya !
PS : So I had to rewrite this paragraph due to a fuck up, and also I discovered this after writing all this down, but basically the length of the Ancient Dalamadur might not be accurate, as I've seen posts either saying he's 1-3km long and others saying he's 5-10km long, but, long story short, after doing some calculations, the Ancient Dalamadur's corpse status is realistic if, at minimum, he's about 4-5km long. If anyone could measure the size of the giant dalamadur skull on the surface of the Rotten Vale and the size of a dalamadur head in 4U, we could estimate the length of the Larger Ancient Dalamadur, and, even if it is, like, 1-2km long there are still enough Dalamadur Corpses ( at least 8-9 ) to release enough organic matter to create the coral highlands, I think. If anyone has an actual length tho, I'd be happy to use it, albeit with calculations of how we got to that result.
2024.05.21 15:01 Dry-Awareness-6403 AITAH for hanging out with friends without one friend?
i (18) made plans on monday night to hang out with two other friends (P, 18, and L, 17) on the tuesday (april 2nd). we only were going over to P's house and to dye my hair. when we stopped in the shop on the way we bumped into another friend (Y, 17) who was there with his mum. we invited him to join us but he said no. we didn't think anything of it and said bye and went our separate ways. then at like 10pm that night after everyone got home we found out Y had left all the groupchats with the four of us and some others, some of these gc's hadnt even been used in about a year. we all messaged him asking if he was okay, thinking that he may have been upset that he saw us all without him. we all repeatedly messaged Y checking on him. he didnt respond to anyone but we could even see that he was online and tweeting. we were really confused on what was going on. then on maybe thursday i think L had heard back from him. i dont know if this is relevant background info but i considered all 3 of them my best friends but i recognised that ive known P and are closer with her than i am with the other, like L and Y are closer with each other. L had spoken to Y and they had patched things up, but Y had still not spoken to me nor P. he didn't speak to me until i had asked him in his server where he was speaking to L like normal for him to message me back when i asked if he had a problem with me. he told me that it's nothing against me personally and that i wasn't the only one he wasn't speaking to, and i told him honestly that i felt like it was and that i was starting to get annoyed (because at this point it had been almost 2 weeks with no explanation from him) but he then ignored me again. i admit i may have no right to be annoyed at him but he was actively ignoring just me and P but acted fine whenever we were in college and i didnt have the courage to bring it up to him face to face. even when the four of us and some others went out because of plans that were made months prior, he messaged P (for the first time since the 2nd and this was the 13th after she had messaged him apologising for not inviting him and she explained she had almost cancelled the plans the day of because nothing was really planned). after a few more weeks there was still no explanation and Y still actively ignored P and i. admittedly in my anger i sent him some passive aggressive messages where i asked him to speak to us and explain this because it cant be solved with 0 communication and i dont want to move on like nothing has happened. he claimed that he didnt want to speak on things when he hadnt fully sorted out his emotions, which i completely empathise with but i wished he had simply messaged us saying that he needed some time alone rather than ghosting us for a month at this point. he said he doesnt know how to speak on things hes already spoken on, when i asked him to explain this he didn't really explain it. i asked if it was about how about 2 ish months before this happened he had messaged his server with everyone in (the four of us plus some others) saying how he felt as if the friendships were one-sided and that people weren't putting in the amount of effort he was, and that every hang out was organised by him and no one else. we all messaged him and spoke to him to explain that we do care for him and that we're sorry we made him feel that way. he said it was kinda about this but didnt give any further explanation. he says that it upsets him that people wont think about him before the fact, and that hes struggling with how everyone is telling him he is justified in this situation. i asked if this is cause we hung out without him and then he ghosted me again. its all really upset me because i considered him a best friend but the way hes constantly ignoring me feels as though he doesnt actually care for our friendship and everything we had before ? he had told L privately that im being rude to him and that i have no right to be upset at him, when i feel as though i have all the right because he ignored me for no reason for an entire month. and maybe it's just how i'm seeing things but i feel as though he needs a bit of 'tough love' in this situation ? (please tell me if im TA for this). Y, L and Ps bf arranged to have a private talk about everything that has happened. P and I believe that we shouldāve been involved because weāre the people he has an issue with, so we should be there to talk with him. they spoke about his side of the story and established that there was no right or wrong to the situation. Y said that he was not going to reach out first and P and I wonāt reach out either because we believe that we shouldnāt have to as we have numerous times before. also P said that after the talk when she went to meet up with her bf and L, Y had his back to her and completely ignored her. a few days after the talk he had messaged L individually and told her how he is thinking about cutting off P and i. he then told L that we were bullying him because we said we didnāt like once piece, we were selfish, and that i was being āweirdā. L asked for clarification on what weāve done but he didnāt give any. at this point i dont really care if he does because i feel like theres nothing to cut us off from. P and i are both exhausted of this situation and are tired of him painting us out to be some big bullies because we are 'stealing L off of him' because we spoke to her in college and not him when the four of us were together and Y was turned completely with his back towards P and i. we're tired from constantly trying to speak to him to sort it out and receiving nothing from him despite us all being adults and able to communicate.
submitted by Dry-Awareness-6403 to AITAH [link] [comments]
2024.05.21 15:01 SharkEva My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic ācompanionshipā
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/themachucajr posting in Marriage
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024
My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic ācompanionshipā
My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didnāt talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didnāt have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something sheās interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each otherās things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when sheās intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesnāt sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesnāt know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesnāt know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.
Comments
Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.
failedopportunities
Itās an obvious potential issue broā¦ wether it be sheās enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.
BigIronBruce
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
Update - 8 days later
I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.
Comments
Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have Ā½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.
shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.
RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think itās interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didnāt think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
submitted by SharkEva to BORUpdates [link] [comments]
Ongoing as per OOP
1 updates - Long
Original - 7th May 2024
Update - 15th May 2024
My wife friend-zoned me and wants a platonic ācompanionshipā
My wife (35f) and I (35m) have been married for 15 years and we've been together for 20 years. We have two kids (12,14) we absolutely adore and work tirelessly to provide the best possible life for them. For the past 3 years, things have been somewhat bumpy. I understand that our kids are at an age where they require a ton of our attention and resources with school, band, club sports, and other extracurriculars and I'm aware of the physical and emotional toll that can have on marriages.
However, for these past 3 years, my wife and I have had very little intimacy and very little sex and we've been trying very hard to work on that aspect of our relationship. This past year has been the most difficult and by far the darkest year in our marriage. We didnāt talk very much, we essentially became roommates coparenting our kids under the same roof. It was very depressing and very demoralizing. It was to the point where we began contemplating divorce and it became very dark and gloomy in the household because of that.
We began seeking help with both individualized therapy and couples therapy and it seems to have helped some. Little by little we started to get along and started to have deeper conversations about what our marriage looks like and what we would love for it to look like. This is where it gets tough. As time passed, my wife started to tell me she no longer was "in love with me" and that she only saw me as a "best friend." That she only loved me in a very platonic way, and this was one of the main reasons she didnāt have any desire for intimacy and let alone sex.
This was very shocking to me and quite frankly, I was devastated. I because angry and depressed and I couldn't fathom the thought that I was no longer wanted or desired by the person I felt completely in love with. Things began to deteriorate again and not long after, we were back to square one. I sat down with her one afternoon and had a heart to heart and began to ask questions about where the root of this problem lies, and her answer was "I don't know" and that "I have built up resentment towards you but I don't know where it stems from." As you can imagine, this provides very little to no insight into how to approach this.
I'm puzzled, I'm frustrated and I do not know what to do at this point. Currently, we've arrived at a place where she says that she has no sex drive and no desire for intimacy or connection. She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic. I asked her what I could possibly do or what is it about me that is so unattractive or undesirable and she her response is always "I don't know." She stated that she does "love" me but its not the same. That she has been feeling disconnected for years and that our marriage just takes up too much work. Her focus is only the children for now and that my coparenting contributions are "meaningful" to her in our home.
I'm at a loss and I'm mainly venting about my frustration. It's tough to realize that the person you love has no feelings for you. I feel like at this point I'm only here to contribute financially and as a parent. I feel like what she means with "companionship" is that she's comfortable with the convenience of having a good father for our kids and my financial contribution to the household.
In regard to intimacy and/or sex, she basically told me that its not something sheās interested in or wants at this time. She mentioned that the only way to get to a point for any of that is to be intoxicated which o believe is incredibly awful and very wrong. I told her I do not think forcing herself to have sex or be intimate by drinking or smoking is good and I declined to be a part of that which to my surprise, it upset her and made her more distant.
We're both extremely honest and transparent. We've never cheated on each other and we are always free to look through each others phones, emails, socials, etc. and we hardly ever do. I asked her if there was someone else and she declined. Honestly, I believe her. We then peacefully went through each otherās things and as expected, it was clean. We've always been very forward, even with the hard topics so I don't smell nor feel any foul play or infidelity.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when sheās intoxicated? (I'm firm on my stance of not partaking in this "only when I'm high or drunk" sex because it doesnāt sit well with me.) I do not know how to help our situation and I'm starting to become a bit anxious and desperate. We're both fairly young and healthy individuals and good looking. We both have good standing careers and are good parents. I'm just not sure how our lives could have driven us to this point. I'd love some outside perspective on this matter and some insight on how to address something like this. It feels so awful to be unwanted and undesired by my own spouse. I hate it.
tl;dr: My wife of 15+ years is no longer in love with me and doesnāt know way and now says she can only have sex while intoxicated or I need to settle for a platonic sexless marriage and she doesnāt know why that is but it is what it is and I'm in need of insight or advice.
Comments
Warthog__
From your comment history it looks like you are Swingers? If so, I would think that would be relevant information to consider.
OOP: We did some swinging in the past. That was fun for some time. We mutually decided to stop doing it and we have established itās not the case. When we were swinging however, our marriage seemed to be in a good place. This IS something we did disclose with our couple therapist and made sure to include it to make sure weāre not neglecting an obvious potential issue.
I will say, I did ask my wife if what she experienced during swinging is something that is affecting her view on our relationship and she said it wasnāt. Our swinging experience was always together and it was very sex driven. Nothing really emotional or āpolyā. Truth is, I have to believe her at her word. I have no reason to distrust her. To date, sheās always been very forward and never afraid of dealing things head on. No matter how painful.
failedopportunities
Itās an obvious potential issue broā¦ wether it be sheās enjoying herself a side piece and wants nothing to do with you in that manner anymore. Or, she just went along with you on the swinging and never wanted to do it in the first place. Hence brings resentment. Regardless, should have been included in the initial post.
OOP: Swinging was her idea. Not mine. But I suppose I should have included it but I honestly believe her on it not being an issue. I donāt have any reason to distrust her. Maybe itās something she has to accept with her therapist or our couples therapist. Canāt really approach that with a solution if she doesnāt think it was a problem. IDK
BigIronBruce
She says that all she wants is simply "companionship" which basically means our coparenting roommate dynamic.That's only a marriage if you both agree it is. You're hoping she's going to wake up one day and feel different but she's basically said that's not going to happen and doesn't want to figure out why she feels that way. It seems like you tried several different ways to get to the bottom of it and she's either deflected or is being honest that she's not in love with you.
Am I wrong for declining to only be intimate or have sex when sheās intoxicated?I wouldn't do this, either, if that makes you feel better.
Will she be your best friend if you live elsewhere and have a relationship with somebody in love you. Probably not. Which makes the whole "best friend" speech feel like self-deception on her part.
I won't lie, if it were me, I'd get a divorce. She doesn't seem willing to do the work to fix the marriage and you can't fix it alone. She might promise to fix it or beg you not to but you need to follow your gut as to whether she actually can or will fix it. She's serious that she wants you to stick around but not necessarily as her husband.
OOP: A very hard truth to accept here. Thank youInteresting-Tip-4850
"Iām ensure I do everything possible to mend our marriage to ensure my own peace of mind and excite knowing I did everything I could."you may still concider 180 method, to protect yourself and perhaps in the same time the reality that the ship is leaving may start to change your wifes perspective. If that doesnt what else would.
OOP: Can you elaborate on the ā180 Methodā?Interesting-Tip-4850
Basically withold from any unnecesary interactions and affection. This is from an infidelity forum, but principles are the same https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
OOP: I bookmarked this. Iām heavily considering this.
Update - 8 days later
I wanted to give you guys an update of how the therapy session with my wife went this week. Not sure if this is helpful or not but I took many of the responses/comments/suggestions from my initial post and put together some things I wanted to discuss with our couples therapist to help us navigate some of the core issues that may be affecting this situation.
One of the main things that is the "buzz word" of this has been the term "resentment" and it has been really eating me up inside knowing my wife keeps telling me she doesn't know why she's resentful or doesn't know why this is affecting her emotionally/mentally. I brought this up with our therapist once again and resurfaced the conversation about being married for so long (15yrs) and being together since we ere 14yrs old. Our long history of growing up and how having children when she was 19yrs old (me 20) significantly changed the trajectory of our lives.
We experience severe poverty and many hardships in the process and we essentially had zero social life for the past 10 years because we were so busy raising babies (2 kids now ages 12 &14). She followed up with tons of questions directly mostly at my wife about her feelings towards this and 90% of the responses were very "our kids" focused. It definitely felt like she was afraid of saying "yes it sucked" because she would feel guilt or shame because it would imply she regrets the kids.
I mentioned this in the session and the therapist encouraged her to look at this outside of the lens of being a mother and to try to view it a bit more selfishly and individually and it was very eye opening. My wife mentioned that she was very frustrated with the fact that we did miss out on many things in life. She also was very clear in saying "I do not think I missed out on other partners or dating or partying but I certainly lost all my friends." This was huge because one of the big pieces that has caused a strain in our lives is how silo'd and isolated we've been (again busy raising kids). I followed up by reminding her that it's important to have good friends and to make time for herself and her friendships.
For the past 3+ years, we've had multiple conversations about friends and how it is important to have them in life. Specially when you have similar peers that can help in many areas of life that perhaps we have no experience navigating and even simply for enjoyment. It has always been something my wife avoids, even though she's always been someone who needs that external stimuli. The main reason for her not investing in friends or even herself has always been "the kids." Like I mentioned earlier in this post, 90% of the answers have to relate to "the kids" to some degree.
At this point in our session I started to feel like there was a common denominator (the kids) in most of the frustrations and problems she was experiencing. So I simply asked her "Do you think you may be upset at me because I'm responsible for these kids in the sense that I got you pregnant so young?" I wasn't ready but she said that she was upset at me for that. She also followed up with the fact that she knows that's unreasonable because it "takes 2 to tango." I did feel like it was progress because it kind of gave us something to work on and help alleviate some of these "burdens" so we agreed to invest more time in nurturing good friendships both together and individually.
Towards the end of the session, we began to discuss what actionable items we would take from this session. At this point, it was still all very ambiguous and blurry as to what the outcomes were. I was very direct and very forward in asking my wife what her plan is moving forward. (NOTE: I had decided prior to the session that should my wife say the same thing about being a coparenting roommate that I would take the 180 approach and essentially do me) She started basically saying the same thing, that she doesn't have any desire to be intimate or sexual with me as of now and that she loves me immensely and she feels bad for not being there for me (as mentioned in my first post).
I also brought up the brief swinging that happened, to which for the 50th time said it wasn't a problem. I agree with her on this. This was something that was a "mechanical" approach for a solution to a problem that was very much in existent when we tried this. We (both) really have no issue to this. We know it happened, we tried it and mutually stopped and turned the page.
I also brought up other life events that may cause resentment and really we ended up not getting anywhere else as far as the root for resentment which was discouraging.
I then basically expressed to my wife that I will not be ok with that arrangement. I told her that I've really done everything I can and that this issue really has reached a point where it has nothing to do with me or require me to do anything that I'm currently not doing. I was very direct and saying that I will not be accepting this dynamic and that I need to be with someone who is actively involved in our marriage, works towards resolutions and is very much interested in maintaining an active intimacy and sexual relationship.
I expressed how I am not going to be a "convenience" and that there was more to life than being roommates and coparents. I made sure she knows I love her dearly and that I do want this to work for the better. I also told her that I'm fully committed to this marriage so long as she is as well and that is she wasn't, its ok, however I will not be a part of something where these efforts are not reciprocated. I told her I have no plans of leaving, and I do not want a divorce, however, I made it clear that if this dynamic continues that divorce will be the only outcome.
Of course tears were involved and it was a very bleak and sad ending to the session. Still nothing was said and I walked out very discouraged and very determined to start working on the 180 as soon as we left the room. It's painful and very difficult because much of the 180 requires you to be very short and cold and transactional. The saddest part is realizing, this dynamic already is very cold and transactional.
Here is where it gets VERY interesting. I started working on implementing many of the 180 recommendations that same day. I mentioned to my wife that, "hey, things are going to be a bit different moving forward. I'm going to honor her roommate/coparent dynamic without reproach and that it should be no mistake that I am not happy here and I am never going to be ok with it but I am done working on it if she wasn't going to work on it."
She agreed and went to bed. I started to build distance and started to basically focus on myself. Very short and transactional. She asked for help on some of her personal things to which I declined and it really shocked her. She was upset saying I was being petulant. I explained to her that, she is now fully in charge of her own life and her own issues.
We didn't talk all day and we only spoke when necessary. Few days I keep this going and she's very visibly upset and stressed. I typically react to that with gestures of help or nurturing but I didn't this time. That night she was crying telling me she's stressed and she things something is wrong with me because I'm "indifferent." I simply listened, then I told her that this is the dynamic she proposed and that I'm simply (much like her) taking care of myself and focusing on myself.
I'm not going to lie, it has been VERY hard to be cold and distant because as I mentioned before, I love her and I wish I could hold her and love on her. However, I know this is somewhat manipulative in a way just to get her way and still keep me in the friendzone. So I've been staying the course.
We're now going on a week of this 180 and let just say, there has been MANY changes on her side. I think she is starting to realize there is more to me than just "friends and coparenting." I sent her a text a few days ago essentially itemizing bills and separating the financial responsibilities 50/50 and SHE LOST HER SHIT. She basically told me it was "out of left field" to which I responded "hey, friends go in 50/50 and as your friend I expect nothing less."
This was very eye opening because it gave me a glimpse of I'm really taken for granted and how her level of comfort and convenience at my expense is really overlooked. I pushed through anyways and basically told her that this is the new dynamic she asked for and that its still a "bargain" because she would have to be 100% if she was on her own.
I'll wrap up with this. While the 180 has been working in many different areas, I am still very much sad about the overall situation. There have been MANY eye opening statements being said and realization that have not been pleasant to encounter. It has also sparked new energy and new efforts on her side as well. She's definitely seeking to talk to me more often and while its hard to turn down, I hope if things improve, this continues to happen.
I've also noticed that she's making more time for herself aside from being a mom which is HUGE because she pretty much neglected herself for years. I'm very pleased seeing her be more herself. My hope is that as we work on ourselves, the marriage improves. There really is no telling at this point where this will go. We are very much cordial and amicable even to this day and that's a very good sign.
Boundaries are set and expectations are very clear and I feel that no matter the outcome, I will be at peace with everything that has been done. We're still going to continue the couples therapist until we either rekindle our marriage or end up in divorce. I feel like having this nonbiased third party really helps as a witness and as a guide through this. No matter what I will always love my wife, however, I will not participate in a sexless, intimacy less marriage because we both deserve better.
Thank you all for all the kind words and recommendations and feedback. This will be my last post on this topic and I wish you all the best.
TL;DR: My wife friend-zoned me wants to just coparent at my expense but I started the 180 method to try and find a solution because she doesn't want to work on us which seems to be working on getting her out of her rut and helping me discover more about how she feels. Also, therapy is paramount and highly recommend to all couples.
Comments
Complete-Old-1960
Bottom line and not to be brutal, but there is one thing you don't have infinite amount of, is TIME. This has to be resolved in a timely manner. It takes 2 to be in love and to be loved, and u only have Ā½ of the equation. You need to put a time limit on you being the good guy and think of you and your future. Look hope it works out for you, but listening to what you are going through and what you could be in for you can still be a good father but also be a great husband to another wife if you find that special person again.
OOP: Definitely. I think this āsoft ultimatumā (180 method) has been very eye opening. Iām definitely hoping for a rekindling of our marriage but Iām also bracing for divorce. I agree on a timeline and Iāve decided on a timeline for myself privately. I donāt want to give her a timeline because I want to reduce the pressure, however, after 1-2 yrs of things donāt improve, it wonāt be shocking or a surprise if we split. I think 1-2yrs is more than reasonable.
shes_a_killer
I have to agree with this, simply because at some point, the person who has gone 180 and is waiting for the other person to decide will begin to wonder, "Wow, they're really taking their time coming around to me...did they love me at all? If they ever appreciated and cared for me, why would they keep me waiting and neglecting me for so long?" Except, in my case, it had more to do with the other person being stubborn and unable to admit their faults.
OOP: I understand what you mean. I donāt think Iāll ever doubt she loved me at all. Iām certain she did and Iām certain she still does. I know it sounds crazy and Iām not at all infatuated or blinded by love. Love is far more than the intimacy and sex weāre lacking.
RandyPan_theGoatBoy
I think itās interesting that in the comments of your original post you said you didnāt think she was taking you for granted but you came to realize she absolutely was. Can you give some more details on what the 180 method is?
OOP: Yeah, I definitely felt this way. But with this 180 method itās happening right in front of my eyes. Actual actions and reactions taking place that clearly demonstrate that she is taking me for granted. She actually see this as well. Itās evident sheās thinking about this heavily based on her demeanor and her behavior.
Hereās what I used as a guide:
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
2024.05.21 15:01 SharkEva AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/evastraea posting in AmItheAsshole
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 21st June 2022
Update1 - 27th June 2022
Comment from OOP - 27th June 2022
AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I [49f] have 3 children, [22f], [19m], and [18f]. My oldest are my biological children from a previous marriage, and my youngest I became a mother to at the age of 2 when I married her widowed father. She has only ever called me mom, and I officially adopted her at the age of 12.
Now on to the issue with the stuffed animals: years and years ago, when I was only 20 and in college, I worked at a children's museum. I adored the job and working with kids, and had the idea to buy stuffed animals from the gift shop to be my future-kids' first stuffed animals whenever they were born. I had gotten a stuffed bear at birth that was very special to me growing up, and on my 18th birthday my parents gifted me a duplicate they had bought way back when and kept for me all these years. I found this so special, and wanted to do something similar, so I bought 6 stuffed animals from the museum's gift shop; 3 to be given at birth, and 3 duplicates. I had no idea at the time how many kids I would have, but I knew I wasn't planning on having more than 3, so I didn't get any more.
My first daughter received the stuffed animal I selected for her while pregnant. Then, between her birth and the birth of my son, I miscarried. The experience was deeply traumatic for me, especially as I miscarried in my second trimester, and I buried my baby with the stuffed animal they would have gotten. I kept the duplicate to for comfort, to cuddle and hold.
Finally, my son was born and received the last of the stuffed animals I had set aside so many years ago. Now, here's where I may be the asshole. For both my daughter and son's high school graduations, I surprised them with the duplicates, for them to take to college with them and compare against the stuffies they've been loving on their whole lives. Both were very moved by this, and took both (original and duplicate) to school with them.
My youngest, however, never received a stuffed animal, and so when her graduation celebration rolled along I had no duplicate to gift her. I watched her unpack all her gifts, and her face fall when she got to the last one and realized. She didn't really say anything, just got this super sad look on her face, and excused herself to her room. I followed to ask what was wrong, but she said she didn't want to talk to me, so her father went in instead.
According to him she cried to him that she didn't feel as loved by me as her siblings, and as much a part of the family - the unwrapping of her siblings' stuffed animals were very emotional events, and she had had the expectation she'd be getting the same. In hindsight I could have easily done something similar for her whenever I first came into her life, even if it wouldn't have been from the museum, but I just didn't think of it. She has been cold to me this entire last week, and I feel so terrible, I've offered to take her out to a special dinner the two of us to make amends but she turned me down. AITA?
Edit: the votes are in, and I am definitively TA. Many of you are suggesting that I get her a stuffie that reminds me of her, or maybe to get her two so she can continue the tradition with her future kids. But I think what I will do is gift her the duplicate my parents gifted me of my special plush bear I received at birth, which is one of my most treasured possessions, and deeply meaningful to me. Thank you all for the advice, it is genuinely appreciated.
Comments
Mrs-Addams
YTA. Nothing quite says āyouāre not like my other kidsā like leaving her out of a family tradition when her turn came. Iām sorry about the loss of your baby and understand why you kept that stuffed animal for your own, however, the tradition could have started with her when she joined your family at age 2, or when you formally adopted her.
SmartassMouth89
YTA your kids grew up together and for years you never once thought to go and buy two stuffed animals for your adoptive daughter?
QueenKeisha
Right? In 16 years, and after giving 2 other bears away, she didnāt once think, hey what about youngest?
SmartassMouth89
Right? She liked the daughters dad enough to marry him but didnāt think that it would be a good idea to give the two year old a stuffie at the wedding?
Update - 6 days later
Long story short: my daughter found my reddit post, and came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction. This was NOT my expectation, and I assured her she had nothing to apologize for, as I had been in the wrong. We had a long discussion about the situation, our feelings, and how to move forward from this, and although I know she is still hurt we are on our way to making amends.
Long story long: so what even happened? As I've now discovered, my daughter loves browsing AITA. She stumbled on my post, and after reading it in it's entirety, as well as a good chunk of the comments (all of mine, and many left by other redditors) she came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction.
She sobbed in my arms that she didn't want this to be the end of our relationship, and that she was sorry, and wanted to enjoy this last summer together. I held her and assured her she had nothing to apologize for, and apologized myself (I did shed a little tear, but tried to keep my emotions in check as I did not want the burden of comforting me to be on her).
What followed was a productive but incredibly emotionally vulnerable conversation, the details of which I will not disclose entirely. She has been going through a rough time, and my impression (I could be wrong) is that the lack of a stuffie at graduation was a catalyst for bigger emotions. She did take me up on my offer to take her to dinner, and I've now booked a reservation at a nice restaurant she has been wanting to go to for a while.
And last night we cooked her favorite dinner together, which gave us an opportunity to smooth things over somewhat. We have not yet broached the subject of me intending to gift her my own plush, except for very briefly (she insisted I didn't have to, and seemed to feel a lot of guilt), but I still plan to. I just feel it would be best to wait until things have cooled down.
And if she truly doesn't feel comfortable taking it, I plan on getting a bear of a similar look to be its "little brother" for her to take care of. That's the update, obviously things have not magically mended overnight, but we are finally on-track to a resolution. Many thanks to all that left advice, and please check the comments below for clarification on many questions asked before passing any judgements (I far exceeded the allowed word limit, and have instead pasted much of what I intended to say here below).
Comments
aroundincircles
Read your first post and this one, and I feel it from both sides. My wife and I recently adopted a bio niece (13 yo this week) and she welcomes us as dad and mom, but we've run into a number of times where the kids will pull out something from a trip we went on, or an activity we did, etc years before she was ever in our lives, and she'll go "why don't you have one of those for me"? It's really hard, some of these things are simply impossible for us to get, and/or would cost us thousands of dollars (when We already spent 30+k on custody/adoption lawyers and court fees).
She also didn't even bring anything with her when we picked her up, she wasn't even allowed to bring a change of underwear. It's been something that we've had to deal with in counselling that her life with us didn't start till she was almost 12, and we have to begin fresh from there, we cannot turn back the clock and give her back an entire childhood she missed. Like when we went camping for the first time with her, and we were getting things out to visually see what we needed to get from the store and we pulled out the kid's sleeping bags, and she was like "where is mine", and the fact that we didn't already have one hurt her.
Glum_Hamster_1076
And that doesnāt make you an ahole. I hope no one will call you one. Situations change and youāre not always able to āmake up for itā. OP didnāt do this to hurt her daughter and itās weird people are painting it that way. I hope things are going well with you all in therapy and your family is making great strides together.
Comment from OOP
When I initially posted to AITA, I was prepared to face judgment, and open to constructive criticism. However, while I did receive many constructive comments, which I truly appreciate, I received many more that were hateful and unconstructive, and I will admit, I did get defensive. But the attitude I took on in the comments is not one I brought into my interactions with my daughter; please understand that I did not throw in her face all the kind things I feel I've done for her over the years, but was rather attempting to contextualize our relationship for strangers who've never met us.
And before passing any further judgment in the comments, please check below for answers to a lot of the questions asked in the original thread. To answer a few questions: why did I not adopt her until 10 years after I came into her life? Because I never sought to force myself on her as her mother, and waited until she could give me explicit consent to adopt her. Why did I never buy her any stuffed animals? I did. I bought her many when I first met her, as well as one for her official adoption day, and every adoption day celebration since.
And I did technically gift her a stuffed animal for her graduation, too, it was just a plush of her college's mascot rather than a duplicate of a treasured plush from her childhood. So why did I not buy her a duplicate at any point over the last 16 years? I did not think to until my oldest graduated and received hers, by which point I (mistakenly) felt the significance would be lost. Both my bio kids received stuffies saved for them for decades, whereas she would have received one saved for only four years. Instead I tried to honor her in other ways, such as (as I described in the comments) crafting her a cookbook of generational family recipes that I illustrated by hand, because she is her own individual.
Truthfully, while I understand the sentiments expressed in the comments, I don't believe recognizing differences is inherently a bad thing. The duplicate stuffies my bio kids received were duplicates of the very first stuffies to ever be in their crib with them. Their receival of them was a birth event, and I did not give birth to my youngest. But that does not mean I love her any less, or that she is any less my daughter.
We have established our own traditions honoring her entry into my life, such as our celebration of her adoption day, and while I realize I could have handled the stuffie situation better, I do believe it was an honest mistake. But how could I not include her in a treasured family tradition, knowing how important it is (especially as an adopted child) to feel a part of the family? Because I truly did not realize this one specific tradition meant as much to her as it did.
I have strived to include her in as many family traditions as possible throughout the years. As I mentioned in the comments, she speaks German because I taught and spoke it to her growing up, even though her father does not. We celebrate German traditions, such as baking countless batches of German Christmas cookies together every year (just the two of us, neither of her siblings have any interest in baking), which is something I grew up doing with my mom, and every year it is quality time I deeply treasure.
For her 16th birthday I gifted her the locket my mother gifted me on my 16th, which she'd been gifted by my grandmother before me - this actually upset my eldest daughter, who had not received such a hand-me-down, and this is just to name a few. So given the fact that she has on occasion received and taken part in traditions my other kids have been excluded from, I did not think the stuffie would carry as much weight as it ultimately did. But isn't her reaction an indication that there are larger issues at play, and that she has likely felt this way for a while? Perhaps.
I am not a perfect adoptive mother, and have never claimed to be. And I can not see inside her brain, so I cannot know her true feelings. But my sense - and I may be wrong! - is that the larger issues at play relate back to her bio mom, which is something she expressed to me in our conversation. I did not disclose this in my original post, because I did not believe it to be relevant, and it is also a painful topic within our family, but her bio mom committed suicide whilst in the thick of post-partum depression. This has obviously impacted my daughter, who has been in and out of therapy for years grappling with feelings of loss, and guilt.
She is highly sensitive to feeling isolated within our family unit, which is something I should have taken into account in this situation, and I own that. I realize this is a huge hunk of text, but given the visceral reaction many had, I felt it was important to cover my bases. Come to whatever conclusions you all like, I will likely not be checking the comments for my own mental health, and the wellbeing of my family. To all who left genuine advice, even if that meant calling me an asshole, I truly do appreciate you. And to all who said hateful things, especially in regard to the loss of my baby, please consider the impact your words may have moving forward
Comments
Rice-Correct
Youāre a good mom. It mightāve been a mistake not to gift her the plush, and it might, as you said, just have been indicative of some larger big emotions going on, as graduating is a HUGE milestone and going to college is an enormous life change that is very rewarding and exciting, but also stressful. But it sounds like youāve been amazing about creating beautiful memories and experiences together! I think at some point, the plush will be a distant memory. From your post, it seems pretty clear you DO have a good relationship, and youāre a caring, empathetic parent. ENJOY your summer together, Mama!
sharraleigh
Don't take the hateful comments personally; it's easy to be cruel online to a faceless stranger. Also, your original post didn't include all this info (it would've been impossible to anyway), and therefore lacked a lot of the back story and nuance that frankly, a real person's life experience encompasses. Your daughter probably saw your post and realized how her reaction hurt your feelings and read the hateful comments and felt bad for you. It sounds like you have a great relationship and you're lucky to have each other in your lives!
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
submitted by SharkEva to BORUpdates [link] [comments]
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 21st June 2022
Update1 - 27th June 2022
Comment from OOP - 27th June 2022
AITA for not giving my adopted daughter a stuffed animal for her high school graduation, when both of my biological children got one?
I [49f] have 3 children, [22f], [19m], and [18f]. My oldest are my biological children from a previous marriage, and my youngest I became a mother to at the age of 2 when I married her widowed father. She has only ever called me mom, and I officially adopted her at the age of 12.
Now on to the issue with the stuffed animals: years and years ago, when I was only 20 and in college, I worked at a children's museum. I adored the job and working with kids, and had the idea to buy stuffed animals from the gift shop to be my future-kids' first stuffed animals whenever they were born. I had gotten a stuffed bear at birth that was very special to me growing up, and on my 18th birthday my parents gifted me a duplicate they had bought way back when and kept for me all these years. I found this so special, and wanted to do something similar, so I bought 6 stuffed animals from the museum's gift shop; 3 to be given at birth, and 3 duplicates. I had no idea at the time how many kids I would have, but I knew I wasn't planning on having more than 3, so I didn't get any more.
My first daughter received the stuffed animal I selected for her while pregnant. Then, between her birth and the birth of my son, I miscarried. The experience was deeply traumatic for me, especially as I miscarried in my second trimester, and I buried my baby with the stuffed animal they would have gotten. I kept the duplicate to for comfort, to cuddle and hold.
Finally, my son was born and received the last of the stuffed animals I had set aside so many years ago. Now, here's where I may be the asshole. For both my daughter and son's high school graduations, I surprised them with the duplicates, for them to take to college with them and compare against the stuffies they've been loving on their whole lives. Both were very moved by this, and took both (original and duplicate) to school with them.
My youngest, however, never received a stuffed animal, and so when her graduation celebration rolled along I had no duplicate to gift her. I watched her unpack all her gifts, and her face fall when she got to the last one and realized. She didn't really say anything, just got this super sad look on her face, and excused herself to her room. I followed to ask what was wrong, but she said she didn't want to talk to me, so her father went in instead.
According to him she cried to him that she didn't feel as loved by me as her siblings, and as much a part of the family - the unwrapping of her siblings' stuffed animals were very emotional events, and she had had the expectation she'd be getting the same. In hindsight I could have easily done something similar for her whenever I first came into her life, even if it wouldn't have been from the museum, but I just didn't think of it. She has been cold to me this entire last week, and I feel so terrible, I've offered to take her out to a special dinner the two of us to make amends but she turned me down. AITA?
Edit: the votes are in, and I am definitively TA. Many of you are suggesting that I get her a stuffie that reminds me of her, or maybe to get her two so she can continue the tradition with her future kids. But I think what I will do is gift her the duplicate my parents gifted me of my special plush bear I received at birth, which is one of my most treasured possessions, and deeply meaningful to me. Thank you all for the advice, it is genuinely appreciated.
Comments
Mrs-Addams
YTA. Nothing quite says āyouāre not like my other kidsā like leaving her out of a family tradition when her turn came. Iām sorry about the loss of your baby and understand why you kept that stuffed animal for your own, however, the tradition could have started with her when she joined your family at age 2, or when you formally adopted her.
SmartassMouth89
YTA your kids grew up together and for years you never once thought to go and buy two stuffed animals for your adoptive daughter?
QueenKeisha
Right? In 16 years, and after giving 2 other bears away, she didnāt once think, hey what about youngest?
SmartassMouth89
Right? She liked the daughters dad enough to marry him but didnāt think that it would be a good idea to give the two year old a stuffie at the wedding?
Update - 6 days later
Long story short: my daughter found my reddit post, and came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction. This was NOT my expectation, and I assured her she had nothing to apologize for, as I had been in the wrong. We had a long discussion about the situation, our feelings, and how to move forward from this, and although I know she is still hurt we are on our way to making amends.
Long story long: so what even happened? As I've now discovered, my daughter loves browsing AITA. She stumbled on my post, and after reading it in it's entirety, as well as a good chunk of the comments (all of mine, and many left by other redditors) she came to me in tears apologizing for her reaction.
She sobbed in my arms that she didn't want this to be the end of our relationship, and that she was sorry, and wanted to enjoy this last summer together. I held her and assured her she had nothing to apologize for, and apologized myself (I did shed a little tear, but tried to keep my emotions in check as I did not want the burden of comforting me to be on her).
What followed was a productive but incredibly emotionally vulnerable conversation, the details of which I will not disclose entirely. She has been going through a rough time, and my impression (I could be wrong) is that the lack of a stuffie at graduation was a catalyst for bigger emotions. She did take me up on my offer to take her to dinner, and I've now booked a reservation at a nice restaurant she has been wanting to go to for a while.
And last night we cooked her favorite dinner together, which gave us an opportunity to smooth things over somewhat. We have not yet broached the subject of me intending to gift her my own plush, except for very briefly (she insisted I didn't have to, and seemed to feel a lot of guilt), but I still plan to. I just feel it would be best to wait until things have cooled down.
And if she truly doesn't feel comfortable taking it, I plan on getting a bear of a similar look to be its "little brother" for her to take care of. That's the update, obviously things have not magically mended overnight, but we are finally on-track to a resolution. Many thanks to all that left advice, and please check the comments below for clarification on many questions asked before passing any judgements (I far exceeded the allowed word limit, and have instead pasted much of what I intended to say here below).
Comments
aroundincircles
Read your first post and this one, and I feel it from both sides. My wife and I recently adopted a bio niece (13 yo this week) and she welcomes us as dad and mom, but we've run into a number of times where the kids will pull out something from a trip we went on, or an activity we did, etc years before she was ever in our lives, and she'll go "why don't you have one of those for me"? It's really hard, some of these things are simply impossible for us to get, and/or would cost us thousands of dollars (when We already spent 30+k on custody/adoption lawyers and court fees).
She also didn't even bring anything with her when we picked her up, she wasn't even allowed to bring a change of underwear. It's been something that we've had to deal with in counselling that her life with us didn't start till she was almost 12, and we have to begin fresh from there, we cannot turn back the clock and give her back an entire childhood she missed. Like when we went camping for the first time with her, and we were getting things out to visually see what we needed to get from the store and we pulled out the kid's sleeping bags, and she was like "where is mine", and the fact that we didn't already have one hurt her.
Glum_Hamster_1076
And that doesnāt make you an ahole. I hope no one will call you one. Situations change and youāre not always able to āmake up for itā. OP didnāt do this to hurt her daughter and itās weird people are painting it that way. I hope things are going well with you all in therapy and your family is making great strides together.
Comment from OOP
When I initially posted to AITA, I was prepared to face judgment, and open to constructive criticism. However, while I did receive many constructive comments, which I truly appreciate, I received many more that were hateful and unconstructive, and I will admit, I did get defensive. But the attitude I took on in the comments is not one I brought into my interactions with my daughter; please understand that I did not throw in her face all the kind things I feel I've done for her over the years, but was rather attempting to contextualize our relationship for strangers who've never met us.
And before passing any further judgment in the comments, please check below for answers to a lot of the questions asked in the original thread. To answer a few questions: why did I not adopt her until 10 years after I came into her life? Because I never sought to force myself on her as her mother, and waited until she could give me explicit consent to adopt her. Why did I never buy her any stuffed animals? I did. I bought her many when I first met her, as well as one for her official adoption day, and every adoption day celebration since.
And I did technically gift her a stuffed animal for her graduation, too, it was just a plush of her college's mascot rather than a duplicate of a treasured plush from her childhood. So why did I not buy her a duplicate at any point over the last 16 years? I did not think to until my oldest graduated and received hers, by which point I (mistakenly) felt the significance would be lost. Both my bio kids received stuffies saved for them for decades, whereas she would have received one saved for only four years. Instead I tried to honor her in other ways, such as (as I described in the comments) crafting her a cookbook of generational family recipes that I illustrated by hand, because she is her own individual.
Truthfully, while I understand the sentiments expressed in the comments, I don't believe recognizing differences is inherently a bad thing. The duplicate stuffies my bio kids received were duplicates of the very first stuffies to ever be in their crib with them. Their receival of them was a birth event, and I did not give birth to my youngest. But that does not mean I love her any less, or that she is any less my daughter.
We have established our own traditions honoring her entry into my life, such as our celebration of her adoption day, and while I realize I could have handled the stuffie situation better, I do believe it was an honest mistake. But how could I not include her in a treasured family tradition, knowing how important it is (especially as an adopted child) to feel a part of the family? Because I truly did not realize this one specific tradition meant as much to her as it did.
I have strived to include her in as many family traditions as possible throughout the years. As I mentioned in the comments, she speaks German because I taught and spoke it to her growing up, even though her father does not. We celebrate German traditions, such as baking countless batches of German Christmas cookies together every year (just the two of us, neither of her siblings have any interest in baking), which is something I grew up doing with my mom, and every year it is quality time I deeply treasure.
For her 16th birthday I gifted her the locket my mother gifted me on my 16th, which she'd been gifted by my grandmother before me - this actually upset my eldest daughter, who had not received such a hand-me-down, and this is just to name a few. So given the fact that she has on occasion received and taken part in traditions my other kids have been excluded from, I did not think the stuffie would carry as much weight as it ultimately did. But isn't her reaction an indication that there are larger issues at play, and that she has likely felt this way for a while? Perhaps.
I am not a perfect adoptive mother, and have never claimed to be. And I can not see inside her brain, so I cannot know her true feelings. But my sense - and I may be wrong! - is that the larger issues at play relate back to her bio mom, which is something she expressed to me in our conversation. I did not disclose this in my original post, because I did not believe it to be relevant, and it is also a painful topic within our family, but her bio mom committed suicide whilst in the thick of post-partum depression. This has obviously impacted my daughter, who has been in and out of therapy for years grappling with feelings of loss, and guilt.
She is highly sensitive to feeling isolated within our family unit, which is something I should have taken into account in this situation, and I own that. I realize this is a huge hunk of text, but given the visceral reaction many had, I felt it was important to cover my bases. Come to whatever conclusions you all like, I will likely not be checking the comments for my own mental health, and the wellbeing of my family. To all who left genuine advice, even if that meant calling me an asshole, I truly do appreciate you. And to all who said hateful things, especially in regard to the loss of my baby, please consider the impact your words may have moving forward
Comments
Rice-Correct
Youāre a good mom. It mightāve been a mistake not to gift her the plush, and it might, as you said, just have been indicative of some larger big emotions going on, as graduating is a HUGE milestone and going to college is an enormous life change that is very rewarding and exciting, but also stressful. But it sounds like youāve been amazing about creating beautiful memories and experiences together! I think at some point, the plush will be a distant memory. From your post, it seems pretty clear you DO have a good relationship, and youāre a caring, empathetic parent. ENJOY your summer together, Mama!
sharraleigh
Don't take the hateful comments personally; it's easy to be cruel online to a faceless stranger. Also, your original post didn't include all this info (it would've been impossible to anyway), and therefore lacked a lot of the back story and nuance that frankly, a real person's life experience encompasses. Your daughter probably saw your post and realized how her reaction hurt your feelings and read the hateful comments and felt bad for you. It sounds like you have a great relationship and you're lucky to have each other in your lives!
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
2024.05.21 15:01 FelicitySmoak_ Tuesday, May 21, 2013 - Jackson v. AEG Live Day 15
 | Trial Day 15 submitted by FelicitySmoak_ to WhereWasMJToday [link] [comments] Katherine, Rebbie and Trent Jackson are at court. LA Times reported that the Jacksons offered a settlement. Kevin Boyle , a lawyer for Katherine Jackson and Michael's kids , said they offered to settle the lawsuit against AEG, but that they never got an answer. Kevin Boyle said the family made the offers in January & March. Boyle would not provide details but said AEG's insurance would have paid, which means they could have settled the case without them paying a dime of their money. He said AEG has never offered to settle & they haven't apologized. Marvin Putnam, an attorney for AEG, said it was inappropriate to discuss settlement discussions: "We don't settle matters that are utterly baseless. We believe that is the case in this matter. I can't see why we would consider a settlement as anything other than a shakedown"CNN Reports there was a snack controversy during trial: AEG lawyers gave a bag of peppermint candy to the bailiff to hand out to the jury this week. Even Katherine Jackson enjoyed the treat but Jackson's lawyer raised an objection, suggesting jurors might be influenced if they realized the source of the sweets. A compromise was reached. Each side can provide snacks for jurors, but they'll be placed at the bailiff's desk before jurors enter court so they have no clue who brought it. Shawn Trell Testimony Jackson direct AEG Live General Counsel, Shawn Trell, told jurors that he had forgotten that Kenny Ortega was working under a signed contract. Trell said he met with his attorneys last night and reviewed one doc -- Kenny Ortega's contract. "He had a written contract," Trell said. "I remember the email dynamic. I'm not too proud to admit that I didn't recall the cover contract," Trell said he was changing his previous testimony to add that Ortega had a written contract, not only emails between him and AEGNext topic was Insurance: Cancellation/Non-Appearance/Sickness. Trell said he started working on insurance for the tour in November of 2008. Panish showed several chains of emails where the parties talked about the insurance for the tour Email from Bob Taylor insurance broker to Trell on 1/7/09: "Prior to speaking with carriers we ask the artist to attend medical with a doctor...A full medical with both blood/urine tests. The doctor also wants to review the medical records over the last 5 years to ensure full disclosure. Insurers require further medical examination to be carried out by their nominated doctor. They may restrict illness coverage or death from illness coverage until this examination has taken place"Email from 4/30/09 - Wooley to Trell : "We have no coverage against Michael sickness unless and until he submits to another medical in LondonEmail from 5/28/09 - Trell to Taylor: "We really need to get that medical done"Email from 6/23/09 - Trell to Taylor : "Any update on the availability of Term insurance?" (life insurance)Trell said if they secured life insurance, they would get money if Michael died. "We would get the money owed to us, yes," Trell testified.Trell also said he continued discussions with an insurance broker about additional coverage to recoup AEG Live's investment if the tour had to be canceled. Email from 6/24/09 -Taylor to Trell : "Insurers have refused to move on this. Huge amount of speculation in the media regarding artist's health. They feel if they're to consider providing illness to cover this particular artist, they must have very through medical report"Email from 6/25/09 - Gongaware to Taylor : "If we don't get sickness coverage, we are dropping this policy"Email from 6/25/09 - Taylor to Gongaware : "The consultation in London is critical. The doctor is holding the afternoon of the 6th July open at Harley St. But keep in mind the visit could take 2 hours plus"Next topic: Budget/Costs. Panish showed an email from AEG's Rick Webking to Michael's estate with 1st report of artist advances/expenses. This was a letter sent to the estate containing the expenses incurred, Trell said. "It seems to me we submitted this report for their review, I don't see any request for payment," Trell said.Trell said he spoke with Randy Phillips and Paul Gongaware about Michael's physical condition prior to coming to testify. "I had heard about rehearsals in which Mr. Jackson was fantastic," Trell saidTrell said he's aware of email from Ortega saying doctor was not allowing Michael to attend rehearsal on June 14, 2009. "I was aware of the doctor not allowing him to attend rehearsal," Trell saidEmail from 6/17/09 from Phillips: "...Ortega, Gongaware, Dileo, and his doctor Conrad from Vegas and I have an intervention with him to get him to focus and come to rehearsal"Email from 6/17/09 from Gongaware to Phillip's assistant: "We need a physical therapist and a nutritionist"Email from Production Manager - Gongaware/Phillips on 6/19/09 : "Paul/Randy I'm not bring a drama queen here. Kenny asked me to notify you both Michael was sent home without stepping foot on stage. He was a basket case and Kenny was concerned he would embarrass himself on stage, or worse yet, be hurt. The company is rehearsing right now, but the DOUBT is pervasive"Email from Randy Phillips to Tim Leiweke on 6/19/09 : "We have a huge problem here."Trell agreed with a statement by plaintiff's attorney, Brian Panish, that company executives knew by then there was a "deep issue" with Jackson Does Trell consider that exchange a "red flag" that AEG Live should have noticed, Panish asked. "I would take it seriously, as I believe Mr. Phillips did," Trell answered. "I don't know I would use the word 'red flag'One of the emails shown to the jury was from Jackson estate co-executor John Branca, sent 5 days before Jackson's death & marked 'confidential': "I have the right therapist/spiritual advisosubstance abuse counselor who could help (recently helped Mike Tyson get sober and paroled) Do we know whether there is a substance issue involved (perhaps better discussed on the phone)The email was sent the same day that a meeting was held at Jackson's home with Murray. No further info given to jury. Trell said Mr. Phillips never told him about this email Email from Ortega to Randy Phillips on 6/20/09: (chain of emails) "I honestly don't think he is ready for this based on his continued physical weakening and deepening emotional state"Trell said he didn't see these emails. He said he spoke with Randy Phillips about Phillips' perception of Michael, in order to prepare for testifying, but not about specific emails. Trell has been designated as the most qualified person to speak on behalf of AEG Email from Phillips to Gongaware on 6/20/09 at 1:52 am : "Tim and I are going to see him tomorrow, however, I'm not sure what the problem is Chemical or Physiological?"From Gongaware to Phillips, on 6/20/09 at 5:59 am : "Take the doctor with you. Why wasn't he there last night?"From Phillips to Gongaware, on 6/20/09 at 2:01 pm : "He is not a psychiatrist so I'm not sure how effective he can be at this point obviously, getting him there is not the issue. It is much deeper"Trell said Randy Phillips went to a handful of rehearsals, three at the Forum and two at Staples Center. The head of the marketing department attended rehearsal on June 23, 2009. "She was blown away by it," Trell testified.He said he was unaware of issues with Jackson at rehearsals. "I knew of no problems with Michael Jackson at all",Trell testified.Trell said he never saw the emails from Phillips directing people to exclude images from This Is It of Michael looking "skeletal" while rehearsing. "What were his observations of Michael's physical condition during rehearsal," Trell said. "I asked for his (Phillips) personal opinion."Next line of questioning is about human resources and background checks. Trell said they can be valuable and useful tools when hiring. Background check costs around $40 to $125. Trell said AEG Live could afford this fee. "We don't do background checks on independent contractors," Trell said. Trell said he was involved in the hiring by AEG Live for the This Is It tour. His department was responsible for retaining independent contractors. Trell said he is not familiar with background check process for hiring. "I am not familiar with the process of doing background checks," Trell said. "No training." Panish: "There was no hiring criteria for the This Is It tour, correct?"Trell: "Not to my knowledge" Trell testified that when it comes to independent contractors, they have either worked with the artists, AEG or known in the industry. Trell agreed that no background check was done on anyone working on the This Is It tour. AEG Live General Counsel Shawn Trell told jurors that no legal or financial checks were done involving Conrad Murray or anyone else who worked as an independent contractor on the This Is It shows. Depending on the nature of the position, a background could be done, Trell said, like for potential employees in the financial area. Trell said he thought a background check would be appropriate for people working in financial roles, but not tour personnel who weren't employees of AEG As to independent contractors, Trell said there's no supervision and monitoring like there's for employees Panish: "You don't do anything to check into background, supervise or protect the artist?"Trell: "No, safety is a concern" Trell said that AEG did not hire Murray, that the doctor was like many independent contractors, "When they leave the environment, what they do on their own time is their own business"Trell testified he doesn't believe the artist is more at risk because AEG Live doesn't do background checks "We did nothing to monitor Dr. Murray," Trell said. "We did not monitor whatever it was that he was doing, no.""It called for Michael Jackson being able to terminate Dr. Murray at will," Trell said about the contract. "If the concerts didn't go forward, and he was terminated under this provision, Dr. Murray would not be paid going forward," Trell explained As to Dr Murray being under dire financial straits, Trell said that he doesn't know if he agrees with it, everyone's perception is different Trell: "I certainly wasn't aware of it at the time"Panish: "Because you didn't check, right?" Trell: "That's right" "I don't think conflict of interests are a good thing, and we would want to prevent it," Trell said Email from Kathy Jorie to Shawn Trell on 6/24/09 at 12:54 am: Subject: Revised agreement with GCA Holdings/Dr. MurrayIt had two attachments Attachments: Revised Michael Jackson -AEG GCA Holdings Murray Agreement 6-18-09 Final MJ -- AEG GCA Holdings Agreement (Dr. Murray) 6-23-09Email chain from 6/23/09, 5:39pm from Jorrie to Wooley, Murray Subject: RE: Michael Jackson - Revised Agreement with GCA Holdings/Dr. Murray Email:"I have redlined the Word version so that you can see all of the revisions. In addition, I've attached clean PDF version for execution" (The email says that if Dr. Murray approved it, he was to print it, sign and send it back to Jorrie) Panish: "Did Ms. Jorrie call this contract a draft?"Trell: "She called it a Final Version" "Every document is a draft until it is executed," Trell said. Panish showed emails exchanged among AEG executives that contained drafts of Murray's contract. Although Murray had signed a contract with the company, neither Jackson nor anyone from AEG had added their signatures. Trell testified that a copy of the contract had never been sent to Jackson With Trell on the stand, Panish played part of an interview that AEG Live President Randy Phillips gave to Sky News television soon after Michael's death. "This guy was willing to leave his practice for a very large sum of money, so we hired him," Phillips said.Panish also showed jurors an e-mail between AEG lawyers suggesting that Phillips told other interviewers AEG Live "hired" Murray. Panish: "Isn't it true that Randy Phillips made numerous comments that AEG Live hired Dr. Murray?"Trell: "I know he has made that statement" Panish said AEG higher-ups became concerned after Phillips made such admission. Trell said he didn't know if that was true. Bruce Black is the General Counsel for parent company of AEG and AEG Live. Michael Roth is AEG's media relations Email from Kathy Jorrie to Bruce Black and Michael Roth on 8/25/09: Subject: AEG Live president says AEG Live hired Dr. Conrad MurrayPanish shows Trell a deposition, under oath, given by insurance broker Bob Taylor on another case. Trell said he has never seen or read it. Trell denied having a telephone conversation with Mr. Taylor where Trell asked him if a doctor's compensation was covered in the insurance. Panish: "Does that refresh your recollection that AEG was employing Dr. Murray?"Trell: "Mr. Taylor has this completely wrong" After lunch break, Brian Panish asked if Shawn Trell wanted to change anything else in his testimony, to which he said "No" Bruce Black, attorney for Anschutz, was present in the meeting with LAPD. Trell met with the police on 1/12/10. Trell told the police that day that Dr. Murray would receive $150,000 compensation per month. Trell also said that Dr. Murray requested and AEG would provide necessary medical equipment and a nurse. More than five months after Jackson's death, Trell said, he informed LAPD detectives that Murray initially requested $5 million to join the tour but eventually agreed to a salary of $150,000 a month for 10 months. Panish: "As far as you know, all the agreements written for TII tour was done under AEG Live Productions, right?"Trell: "Yes" Panish: "Was Dr. Murray trying to help AEG get insurance?" Trell: "The policy was in both names, so he was helping both parties" Trell said Dennis Hawk, who represented Michael, was in touch with Taylor regarding the insurance Panish: "As of June 2009, you don't even know whether Mr. Jackson had a personal managerTrell: "Well, my understanding at the time there were a couple of people acting in that capacity" Email on 6/2/09 from Randy Phillips to Jeff Wald: "Jeff, remember getting Michael to focus is not the easiest thing in the world and we still have no lawyer, business manager, or, even real manager in place. It is a nightmare!"Trell said the only time he saw an artist's signature required to retain an independent contractor was for Dr. Murray. Trell said his understanding was that Dr. Murray worked for Michael for 3 years; didn't know how many times MJ saw Dr. Murray. "I've never spoken with Dr. Murray ever. And I met/spoke with Mr. Jackson once," Trell said. "He was a significant expense," Trell testified about Dr. Murray.Trell said AEG Live didn't do anything to check Dr. Murray's competency as doctor, other than checking his physician license. Trell said AEG didn't do anything to determine Dr. Murray's financial conditions in 2009. Jury was shown an email that Phillips sent to Kenny Ortega on night of June 20, 2009. It was email urging Ortega to stand down. Email on 6/20/09 Phillips to Ortega : "Kenny it's critical that neither you, me, anyone around this show become amateur psychiatrist/physicians. I had a lengthy conversation with Dr. Murray, who I am gaining immense respect for as I get to deal with him more. He said that Michael is not only physically equipped to perform & discouraging him to will hasten his decline instead of stopping it. Dr. Murray also reiterated that he is mentally able to and was speaking to me from the house where he had spent the morning with Michael. This doctor is extremely successful (we check everyone out) and does not need this gig so he is totally unbiased and ethical"Panish asked Trell whether Phillips "characterization to Ortega, given no background check was done, was a lie". Trell responded that he didn't know what Phillips knew or was thinking when he wrote that email to Ortega. Trell also said he expected Randy Phillips to testify at some point during the trial, so he could address the email himself Panish then asked Trell, "Sir, you never checked out one single thing about Dr. Murray -- you've already told me that, correct?""As of the date of the email, that would've been correct",Trell said. When pressed by Panish, Trell said that Phillips' statement that Murray had been checked out, along with the executive's claim that the doctor 'does not need this gig' were inaccurate. "I don't know where Randy's understanding or impression comes from", Trell said.Trell testified that Phillips might have been "misinformed" or simply was stating his impression of the Las Vegas cardiologist Panish: "But no one at AEG checked Dr. Murray to see if he was successful or not, isn't that true?"Trell: "Yes" Panish then asked several pointed questions about whether Shawn Trell agreed with Phillips telling Ortega they'd checked Murray out. One of Panish's questions was whether Trell thought Phillips' email was 'acceptable conduct' Panish called Phillips' statement "a flat out lie" and asked Trell whether he agreed with it or if it signified how AEG did business. Trell said he didn't know what Phillips thought he knew when he wrote the message. "I know this statement is not accurate, but you'd have to speak with Mr. Phillips about what he thought or meant in saying it," Trell said. Panish: "That's a flat out lie, isn't it sir?"Trell: "I don't know what Mr. Phillips intended to say, this should be a question to him" Panish: "You don't know if he was successful or facing bankruptcy, did you?" Trell: "No" Trell: "I know the statement is not accurate. You have to speak with Mr. Phillips about what he meant to say" Panish: "Do you agree with the CEO of your company making untrue statements?" Trell: "I don't know that he didn't know it wasn't true when he said it" Trell said Phillips never told him that he checked Dr. Murray out. As to reference in Phillips' email about Dr. Murray being unbiased, ethical, not needing this gig, Trell said it was Phillips' impressions. He said AEG typically only runs background checks on candidates applying for full-time jobs with AEG, not independent contractors. Panish: "Isn't it true AEG Live does not do background check on independent contractors?"Trell: "That's true" Trell said that no one from AEG interviewed Dr. Murray because he was an independent contractor. "Did anyone from AEG ever at any time interview Dr. Murray", asked Brian Panish"No", Trell replied. Panish showed a document used by AEG entitled "Disclosure and Authorization to Conduct Background Check". Doc is used for employment, promotion, retention, contingent or the rate staffing, consulting, sub-contract work, or volunteer work. Panish asked if there was any reason why Dr. Murray was not given a background check. "He wasn't an employee, he wasn't applying for a full time position with the company," Trell explained.Trell said theoretically they could've asked to check Dr. Murray's background and credit. AEG Cross Jessica Bina began her examination by showing the letter submitted by AEG's CFO to the Estate of Michael Jackson for their review. She asked Shawn Trell about the estimate presented to Jackson's estate that included Murray's $300k fees. She asked why it was prepared. Shawn Trell said it was done at the request of the estate. He said Jackson's estate wanted to know state of tour finances when Jackson died. Trell said the report was requested by the Estate after a series of meetings after Michael's death. "The purpose of the meeting was to wind up the business affairs of the tour due to Michael's death", Trell said. "It was my understating in June Tohme was back in the picture in some capacity. I'm not sure which, Mr. DiLeo was in it too," Trell saidBina: "Is there any request for payment?" Trell: "No, there's no demand for payment, it's for review" Stebbins Bina asked about the inclusion of Murray's fee in the document. Bina showed the report that was attached to the letter. Murray's fee on the document had a footnote. Trell read what that footnote said, and explained why estate wasn't asked for Murray's fee. Next to "Management Medical" there's a reference to footnote 3. Note 3: 'Contract is not signed by Michael Jackson and such signature was condition precedent to any payment obligation' - Footnote on Murray fee.Trell testified Webking, the CFO for AEG, did not ask Michael's Estate for payment of Dr. Murray's salary "You testified you were somewhat confused (by the inclusion of the $300,000)?", Bina asked Trell as she projected the list, dated July 17, 2009, on a screen for jurors."Do you see there's something in parentheses?', Stebbins Bina asked, zooming in to blow up a footnote from AEG CFO Frederick Webking that stated Michael Jackson never signed Murray's contract, so its terms were not enforceable. "Is Mr. Webking asking the estate to pay?", Stebbins Bina asked Trell. "No", he replied, explaining that upon reflection he believed Mr. Webking was just being 'thorough' by including the $300,000 as a budgeted cost. "Did Mr. Webking make a mistake as you thought yesterday?",she asked. "No, he did not", Trell answered Second report made to the Estate on 9/18/09, there was no amount next to management medical. Stebbins Bina then showed a Sept. 2009 report of This Is It's finances to Michael Jackson's estate. Murray's fee is not listed in that document Trell went through his job description with AEG. He said he has five lawyers in his department and has worked on thousands of agreements. Trell explained what PMK is -- Person Most Knowledgeable, identified by the company to testify on its behalf. Trell said he didn't know about all the topics he was designated, so he had to do some studying and interviews with people As to Ortega's contract, Trell said he was aware of a string of emails being at least a part of the original agreement with Kenny. "When we were done here yesterday, I looked at Kenny Ortega's original agreement," Trell said.Trell noted he hadn't looked at Ortega's agreement since it was entered into in 2009. Before the afternoon break, Trell and jury were shown Kenny Ortega's tour agreement. It was signed in April 2009. The agreement was three pages of legalese, with several pages of emails attached that confirmed the terms. The first three pages included some paragraphs that described who owned the rights to This Is It content. A large number of emails are part of the agreement as exhibits. Trell said he recalled the emails exchange and admitted again not being proud of forgetting the cover contract portion. Bina showed Ortega's executed contract with everyone's signature on it. Trell said Kenny Ortega was paid after his contract was signed. Trell, Phillips and Kathy Jorrie were involved in drafting and negotiating the contract with Michael Jackson. For MJ, Trell said Dr. Tohme Tohme and attorneys Dennis Hawk and Peter Lopez represented him. He said there were multiple drafts. "It's my understanding they were talking to, or at least receiving offers from, a competitive of ours, Live Nation," Trell said.Trell also said that before signing an agreement with AEG, Jackson had been considering a tour offer from its main competitor, Live Nation. Bina showed the jury the final tour agreement. Trell said he went to MJ's home at Carolwood to sign it. Upon arrival, Trell said Mr. Jackson got up from where he was seated, and said 'Hi, welcome, I'm Michael." Trell said it was pretty funny, since he was a very distinct person. Trell said they shook hands, he had a good firm handshake and his voice was not what people think "He popped up, came over, introduced himself, was very cordial, there was a real positive energy, good vibe in the room," Trell said. "He seemed genuinely enthused," Trell added. "He had the contract in front of him, said he read every page, seemed very enthused." Trell said they all signed it and Mr. Jackson was really keen on the 3-D stuff, that he was already down the road in his mind. "I was probably there just a little less than an hour. And that was the only time I met him," Trell recalled.Bina discussed the contract for the tour agreement: A first class performance by Artist at each show on each of the approved itineraries. Contract: Artist shall perform no less than 80 minutes at each show, and the maximum show length for each show shall be 3.5 hours. Artist shall approve a sufficient number of shows on itineraries proposed by promoter or producer as to recoup the advances made.Trell said compensation was agreed on 90-10 split. Artist received 90% of what's defined contingent compensation. Trell explained to jury how concerts get paid for. One scenario is artist pays for production up front. A second scenario is that the promoter gives artist an advance, and then they use the money to put together the show. The third option, Trell said, is the artist pays someone like AEG Live to produce and promote the show, with costs to come out of their pay. Trell called the second and third option like an interest-free loan. In Jackson's case, AEG agreed to a 90/10 split of show's proceeds. Jackson would have received the 90% portion, Trell said. Jackson was also on the hook for a 5% production fee AEG Live was promoter & producer. "We advanced the money necessary to mount the tour," Trell explained. "It's interest free money".Trell testified that Jackson's advance, which covered his $100,000-a-month rent on his mansion and a $3-million payment to settle a lawsuit that would free up his performance rights, was considered a loan to be paid back to AEG. Part of the advance was to pay off the settlement agreement of $3 million in London court. The underlying dispute was that a company owned the rights for Jackson's live performance. "The rights needed to be freed up," Trell said.The advances were to be paid back to AEG Live before the split of revenue. Production Advances were capped to $7.5 million. Contract: Artist was responsible for all the production costs in excess of the cap and had to reimburse promoter. "Michael Jackson was known to have very elaborate productions," Trell said. "Production values can get significant, for lack of a better word, it really depends on how many bells and whistles they want," Trell said.Trell said AEG would not advance money without the artist requesting it. Trell said it's not only typical and customary, but standard and artist needs to secure either non-appearance or cancellation insurance. Their interest in the policy, Trell said, was to cover the advances and production costs incurred with the production of the show. "If the were no obligations to AEG, the payout would go back to the artist", Trell explained, "It just recoups our loan made to the artist."Trell was also asked about elements of tour insurance policies and an agreement with former manager Tohme Tohme. Jackson's contract called for him to represent to AEG that he didn't have any health conditions that would keep him from performing. Contract: Artistco hereby represents and warrants that artist does not possess any known health conditions, injuries or ailments that would reasonable be expected to interfere with Artist's first class performance at each of the shows during the termOh Tohme's $100k per month agreement, Trell was shown a January contract that Jackson signed to pay that amount. However, Trell said Tohme's agreement was predicated on Jackson getting tour cancellation insurance by a certain date. Deadline passed and by that point Tohme was no longer Jackson's manager, so he wasn't entitled to be paid his monthly fee. January 24, 2009 -- agreement entered with Dr. Tohme Tohme. Trell said Michael was involved and signed this agreement. "This agreement was entered into January 26, Trell testified. "There are conditions that needed to be met before any payment could be made."One of the the conditions was placement of non-appearance insurance, Trell said. That placement was done in late April, early May. In May, AEG received letter from MJ saying Tohme didn't rep him anymore. "No payments were ever made under this agreement," Trell explained.Court Transcript Rebbie Jackson attending court https://preview.redd.it/mmatrsug5o1d1.jpg?width=443&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b2bb18c8e5e6bca215719208409346bccaf96bc4 https://preview.redd.it/h6ywhnug5o1d1.jpg?width=443&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4576d97371141a308ad6300fb33400f28ed009e3 https://preview.redd.it/wd14srug5o1d1.jpg?width=508&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=31ded1abac7f1916fc67b5d0b264dd231b96f275 https://preview.redd.it/pvrb3vug5o1d1.jpg?width=423&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2e4e93a20eccf030747d4ee60a95365b5e41e9ce https://preview.redd.it/yexbwrug5o1d1.jpg?width=419&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c26155b8478e7c48f8863d946b836f1ab2a13fe8 https://preview.redd.it/o6nzk0vg5o1d1.jpg?width=483&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f146baaaa738ec5fe700fa42aaf58e138f21165f https://preview.redd.it/vuozioug5o1d1.jpg?width=431&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f229517cb96a8f80571439f6f0e27f8c6c7852bc |
2024.05.21 15:01 Lunax101 Is she narcissistic or just a bad mom?
Hi all,
This is actually my first post on here. A little about myself Iām the eldest daughter (23yrs) in a brown household (love that for myself). I swear if I could be born again Iād love to be the youngest of the family (even thought I guess if someoneās narcissistic it doesnāt truly matter whether youāre the eldest or youngest)
Anyway, Iām currently in a country and Iām moving to the states and my mum and lil brother are staying there with my dad atm. My sister (18yrs) is busy with the most important exams of her high school(sheās in her last year) and me and my brother(heās 22) just finished our university exams so weāre free! Itās just us 3 in this country rn and our flight back is in 30 days and we both need to sell all the extra stuff in the house that didnāt come with our rented house. We also need to pack all our clothes etc and clean this house.
So far Iām the only one whoās been working on selling stuff on Facebook marketplace and cleaning out cabinets in the kitchen and the garage etc. my brother spends the entire day on his computer playing games or watching anime. I donāt hate my brother but sometimes I get really close to it. If I was his mom I swear he wouldāve long been disowned. Heās the most unclean person alive (he never cleans his own bathroom, he leaves his dishes in his room for me to come collect and clean, never picks up his own dirty clothes I have to do his laundry, I even had to clean his shoes after he went out yesterday simply because i couldnāt stand how dirty they were) I like to stay clean and keep the house clean too. The only reason he even leaves his room is to eat (Ofcourse Iām the one cooking)
The issue is my parents have both simply given up on him at this point which he uses to his advantage even more. Heās living his best life, goes out with his friends and doesnāt lift a finger in the house.
Despite all this my mum still calls me and gets mad at me for doing things too slowly and not putting everything up on Facebook marketplace quickly enough?! Iāve already sold two items on there but it takes a while to make sure the person coming to our house isnāt a creep. Yet, every time she calls all she talks about is how Iām not taking things seriously, how Iām so lazy, how Iāll pay for the flight tickets if I donāt sell everything beforehand. We needed to renew a card for travelling and thereās a long wait time on it (3 months) which I still applied for despite the wait but yesterday I found out that I could request it earlier if itās an emergency with the flight details. However rather than being happy or thanking me for finding this out my mum simply gave out since I shouldāve found this earlier and itās my fault if we donāt get an appointment quickly enough.
My friends are all travelling and doing their own things in life and since this week is the last week theyāre free they asked me to hang out but I canāt even tell my mom that āhey can I pls hang out with them one last timeā because I just know sheāll flip. Iām so stressed about this whole situation and I literally feel so numb and sad all the time. Iām not a social person either but I wanna go out just to change my environment. I know so many people have it worse but ah I wish i could catch a break.
Even when I finally get to the states I know my parents are expecting me to work as soon as I get there. I just want a week off. Just to live my own life in peace and not stress about anything. What would you do if u were in my position?
submitted by Lunax101 to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]
This is actually my first post on here. A little about myself Iām the eldest daughter (23yrs) in a brown household (love that for myself). I swear if I could be born again Iād love to be the youngest of the family (even thought I guess if someoneās narcissistic it doesnāt truly matter whether youāre the eldest or youngest)
Anyway, Iām currently in a country and Iām moving to the states and my mum and lil brother are staying there with my dad atm. My sister (18yrs) is busy with the most important exams of her high school(sheās in her last year) and me and my brother(heās 22) just finished our university exams so weāre free! Itās just us 3 in this country rn and our flight back is in 30 days and we both need to sell all the extra stuff in the house that didnāt come with our rented house. We also need to pack all our clothes etc and clean this house.
So far Iām the only one whoās been working on selling stuff on Facebook marketplace and cleaning out cabinets in the kitchen and the garage etc. my brother spends the entire day on his computer playing games or watching anime. I donāt hate my brother but sometimes I get really close to it. If I was his mom I swear he wouldāve long been disowned. Heās the most unclean person alive (he never cleans his own bathroom, he leaves his dishes in his room for me to come collect and clean, never picks up his own dirty clothes I have to do his laundry, I even had to clean his shoes after he went out yesterday simply because i couldnāt stand how dirty they were) I like to stay clean and keep the house clean too. The only reason he even leaves his room is to eat (Ofcourse Iām the one cooking)
The issue is my parents have both simply given up on him at this point which he uses to his advantage even more. Heās living his best life, goes out with his friends and doesnāt lift a finger in the house.
Despite all this my mum still calls me and gets mad at me for doing things too slowly and not putting everything up on Facebook marketplace quickly enough?! Iāve already sold two items on there but it takes a while to make sure the person coming to our house isnāt a creep. Yet, every time she calls all she talks about is how Iām not taking things seriously, how Iām so lazy, how Iāll pay for the flight tickets if I donāt sell everything beforehand. We needed to renew a card for travelling and thereās a long wait time on it (3 months) which I still applied for despite the wait but yesterday I found out that I could request it earlier if itās an emergency with the flight details. However rather than being happy or thanking me for finding this out my mum simply gave out since I shouldāve found this earlier and itās my fault if we donāt get an appointment quickly enough.
My friends are all travelling and doing their own things in life and since this week is the last week theyāre free they asked me to hang out but I canāt even tell my mom that āhey can I pls hang out with them one last timeā because I just know sheāll flip. Iām so stressed about this whole situation and I literally feel so numb and sad all the time. Iām not a social person either but I wanna go out just to change my environment. I know so many people have it worse but ah I wish i could catch a break.
Even when I finally get to the states I know my parents are expecting me to work as soon as I get there. I just want a week off. Just to live my own life in peace and not stress about anything. What would you do if u were in my position?
2024.05.21 15:01 aznpersuazion Is Software Engineering a Good Job in 2023?
To preface this post, I want to give the disclaimer that like many things, there is not a black and white answer the question. I'm writing this as an experienced tech professional, and the information provided is based on opinion.
To start with. A little bit of history..
The golden age of software engineering(and similar jobs) is over. At least for the next 5 - 10 years. I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. The reason why between the years of 2010 - 2022, these jobs exploded, was because of the boom of the internet for commercial and personal use.
This is different from the dotcom boom of 2000s, where the internet was just starting and most of the products being created were for basic things like: putting banking on the internet, putting videos on the internet, etc.
The boom in the 2010s was related to the widespread popularity of commercial and personal products. Things like Uber, Spotify, and Salesforce. With the sudden increased usage of the digital world, there were MILLIONS of companies rushing to create digital products.
However, we're starting to see the rise and fall of some of these products, millions of startups failings, and less VC funding. In case you don't know, VC stands for Venture Capital, which are basically investment companies that give money to other companies to help them grow and develop, in return for partial ownership of the company.
As the industry began to mature, successful companies started to emerge, and many more started to fail.
The present day..
Software engineering and like jobs will continue to be important, and there will be a high demands for these engineers. Nearly every company will still need a website, a place to manage their data, and people to manage their hardware. BUT.. the basic technologies they need to run their company will become more efficient. AND there will be less research and innovation because the a lot of the trial and error already occurred.
We're in a weird spot where the demand for workers is now decreasing from it's recent peaks, and the supply of workers is now increasing because of how all the benefits of being a software engineer in the past decade.
This has really unfortunate consequences for any recent graduates or others trying to break into the tech field. There are WAY more beginning career people than jobs available. Which is made even worse with the amount of layoffs there are, where mid-level employees are now having to settle for entry level jobs.
What can we do?
I have two pieces of advice for people interested in the topic, or wanting to break into the field but can't. Try breaking in from a adjacent field, where you can get some exposure to tech. Things that data entry, analytics(this can be finance, supply chain etc). Then try to learn as much as you can from the tech people at your company.
The second piece of advice. Go into a different field. Software engineering is not for everyone. You have to learn and understand some relatively complex topics, and it's becoming harder and harder to be competitive in the industry. Healthcare, supply chain, and many other industries are booming right now.
Understanding history, you can see that certain industries will rise and fall. For the near future, technology might be one of the harder careers to break into. Something like healthcare would be that's expected to grow exponentially. The average population of the world is getting older, as less and less people are wanting to have kids. There will be higher demand for healthcare professionals and healthcare technology.
Do your best to review and understand these trends, and hopefully you can create a good life and career. Best of luck!
**If you found any of this helpful, consider checking out a referral link. You get additional sign up and welcome bonuses. Signing up and using Rakuten for cash back is free!*\*
submitted by aznpersuazion to dataengineeringstuff [link] [comments]
To start with. A little bit of history..
The golden age of software engineering(and similar jobs) is over. At least for the next 5 - 10 years. I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. The reason why between the years of 2010 - 2022, these jobs exploded, was because of the boom of the internet for commercial and personal use.
This is different from the dotcom boom of 2000s, where the internet was just starting and most of the products being created were for basic things like: putting banking on the internet, putting videos on the internet, etc.
The boom in the 2010s was related to the widespread popularity of commercial and personal products. Things like Uber, Spotify, and Salesforce. With the sudden increased usage of the digital world, there were MILLIONS of companies rushing to create digital products.
However, we're starting to see the rise and fall of some of these products, millions of startups failings, and less VC funding. In case you don't know, VC stands for Venture Capital, which are basically investment companies that give money to other companies to help them grow and develop, in return for partial ownership of the company.
As the industry began to mature, successful companies started to emerge, and many more started to fail.
The present day..
Software engineering and like jobs will continue to be important, and there will be a high demands for these engineers. Nearly every company will still need a website, a place to manage their data, and people to manage their hardware. BUT.. the basic technologies they need to run their company will become more efficient. AND there will be less research and innovation because the a lot of the trial and error already occurred.
We're in a weird spot where the demand for workers is now decreasing from it's recent peaks, and the supply of workers is now increasing because of how all the benefits of being a software engineer in the past decade.
This has really unfortunate consequences for any recent graduates or others trying to break into the tech field. There are WAY more beginning career people than jobs available. Which is made even worse with the amount of layoffs there are, where mid-level employees are now having to settle for entry level jobs.
What can we do?
I have two pieces of advice for people interested in the topic, or wanting to break into the field but can't. Try breaking in from a adjacent field, where you can get some exposure to tech. Things that data entry, analytics(this can be finance, supply chain etc). Then try to learn as much as you can from the tech people at your company.
The second piece of advice. Go into a different field. Software engineering is not for everyone. You have to learn and understand some relatively complex topics, and it's becoming harder and harder to be competitive in the industry. Healthcare, supply chain, and many other industries are booming right now.
Understanding history, you can see that certain industries will rise and fall. For the near future, technology might be one of the harder careers to break into. Something like healthcare would be that's expected to grow exponentially. The average population of the world is getting older, as less and less people are wanting to have kids. There will be higher demand for healthcare professionals and healthcare technology.
Do your best to review and understand these trends, and hopefully you can create a good life and career. Best of luck!
**If you found any of this helpful, consider checking out a referral link. You get additional sign up and welcome bonuses. Signing up and using Rakuten for cash back is free!*\*
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2024.05.21 15:01 aznpersuazion My Top 5 Restaurants in South Florida/Miami Area..
Wanted to share my top 5 recommendation list. Having lived here for about 30 years, here are the best spots to visit, whether you're traveling or a local. I've included a range of options from cheap eats to fine dining.
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submitted by aznpersuazion to travelfooddiaries [link] [comments]
- Chef Tally's - I've binge eaten at least 50+ jamaican restaurants, and while this isn't your typical traditional jamaican spot, this is hands down one of my favorite places in south Florida. I dream about the chicken here. It's always a candidate for my "what should I eat this weekend" thoughts.
- Mila Sunday Brunch - $95 for all you can eat cinco jota jamon iberico, black caviar, and a ton of other creatively prepared dishes. I've had a few of the other brunchs in south florida, like edge, novikov, etc. but this one gets the thumbs up because they actually have more unique spreads and appetizers. Pro tip, they have a cheese wheel pasta and mojito station outside. Did I mention the price includes unlimited champagne and rose?
- Palacio de los Jugos - this is a staple of south florida cuisine. I might get some flack for having this on my list, but amongst all the cuban and latin spots I've been to across Hialeah and Miami, I always find myself back here grabbing a meal for like $7 and juice for $3!
- Stubborn Seed - I haven't gone since they've gotten their Michelin Star, but I used to frequent this place. What sets the tasting menu at stubborn seed apart in my opinion is the almagamation of dish pacing, food sourcing/creativity, and lineup of ingredients. I don't think there's a singular dish that really sets this restaurant apart from the rest of the modern fine dining options, but more so a extremely well presented and curated dining experience.
- Anita Gelato. This spot recently opened in Aventura coming from NYC. It's not a super traditional italian/argentiniam gelato, but the flavor combinations are the best I've ever had. And it's not too sweet. My favorite ice cream/froyo/gelato spot amongst the hundreds I've been to in SoFlo.
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2024.05.21 15:00 Zombpossum My husband just helped me regain a hobby, and I feel horrible about it.
To start, by freedom I mean I am now able to go out to the woods for overnight hiking/camping without a car or anything. My husband bought me a very nice Osprey 65 pack, a new jet stove, and I've been collecting what else I need (cooking, sleeping, clothing, etc.) so I have been ready to go for about 3-4 years, except I had nothing to carry it in easily and comfortably.
Yesterday he took me to REI to look at a new jet stove, then had me fitted for a backpack, tried it on, and he dropped about $450 at the store. He got some nice walking sticks, and we bought a few other things (I really wanted the mushroom book, so I got the mushroom book) so it wasn't all just the bag, but the bag was over 50%.
We immediately went out and took a 1.5 mile hike around a lake with our 4 year old, and I wore my pack stuffed with items to get used to it's sit and how to put it on right.
Last night when we finally got home, I realized I had done nothing in the house, I had to go throw the chicken coop back together (as I was cleaning it out before we impromptuly left), water the garden, check the cats, feed the kittens, flea meds the cats and ferrets. It threw me straight into the stress pit. I sat down and stared at my bag, because when the hell will I habe time to go out? He sprung that he had reserved a hike in camp site I've stared at for years for a night in a couple weeks.
I feel so bad leaving him and my daughter behind, but I haven't had a chance to disappear on my own for years, and I really want this, but I feel like shit, because I never thought I'd actually get to do this.
I love my husband so much, and he's spent 2-3x more on electronics then we did on the pack, which he's not used for quite a while, and I am looking forward to taking overnight trips out for photography trips and possibly spending 3-4 days dispersement camping in West Virginia. I just feel guilty, I feel like soon as I got back home and reality settled, I realized I won't have as much time as I'd hoped.
My husband says it's mom guilt, and if he didn't think I'd use it he wouldn't have bought it for me. He also pointed out that life is short, and one shouldn't stop doing things they love because of a price tag. I spent over half the year in the hospital last year with the possibility of never getting out. It really made me long for my old outdoor hobbies I gave up for an ex, and my ex has started pushing hikes, camping, fishing, gardening, and other outdoor activities on me to bring them back.
I honestly don't remember why I felt like posting this, I think it was mainly because mom guilt is real, and all my childless friends think I'm being stupid about feeling bad about it.
submitted by Zombpossum to Mommit [link] [comments]
Yesterday he took me to REI to look at a new jet stove, then had me fitted for a backpack, tried it on, and he dropped about $450 at the store. He got some nice walking sticks, and we bought a few other things (I really wanted the mushroom book, so I got the mushroom book) so it wasn't all just the bag, but the bag was over 50%.
We immediately went out and took a 1.5 mile hike around a lake with our 4 year old, and I wore my pack stuffed with items to get used to it's sit and how to put it on right.
Last night when we finally got home, I realized I had done nothing in the house, I had to go throw the chicken coop back together (as I was cleaning it out before we impromptuly left), water the garden, check the cats, feed the kittens, flea meds the cats and ferrets. It threw me straight into the stress pit. I sat down and stared at my bag, because when the hell will I habe time to go out? He sprung that he had reserved a hike in camp site I've stared at for years for a night in a couple weeks.
I feel so bad leaving him and my daughter behind, but I haven't had a chance to disappear on my own for years, and I really want this, but I feel like shit, because I never thought I'd actually get to do this.
I love my husband so much, and he's spent 2-3x more on electronics then we did on the pack, which he's not used for quite a while, and I am looking forward to taking overnight trips out for photography trips and possibly spending 3-4 days dispersement camping in West Virginia. I just feel guilty, I feel like soon as I got back home and reality settled, I realized I won't have as much time as I'd hoped.
My husband says it's mom guilt, and if he didn't think I'd use it he wouldn't have bought it for me. He also pointed out that life is short, and one shouldn't stop doing things they love because of a price tag. I spent over half the year in the hospital last year with the possibility of never getting out. It really made me long for my old outdoor hobbies I gave up for an ex, and my ex has started pushing hikes, camping, fishing, gardening, and other outdoor activities on me to bring them back.
I honestly don't remember why I felt like posting this, I think it was mainly because mom guilt is real, and all my childless friends think I'm being stupid about feeling bad about it.
2024.05.21 14:59 Suitable_Muscle_1939 I [31F] adore my husband [31M], but our marriage is SEVERELY lacking in almost every aspect. Is there any chance of saving this relationship?
I have been with my husband for almost 7 years, married for 3. We have 2 young toddlers (we chose the 2 under 2 life), and this definitely plays a huge role in our situation. I love him so much, he's so kind and genuine, but we have a lot going on and it's honestly overwhelming.
TLDR: I feel extremely unfulfilled in my marriage and am worried we are better off divorced. We have no sexual chemistry, no intimacy or passion, I basically have to mother him into doing anything around the house and have to hold his hand when he has hard conversations with his parents. He's a great dad to our kids, but he isn't a great husband to me and I'm worried we're headed to a divorce.
Before we got married, we had so much fun together. We went on so many dates and were always out and about doing something fun and exciting. We were very much attracted to each other, but the sex was never that great. I was very experienced and had a lot of sexual partners in my college years, and he could probably count his on one hand. I always thought it was a work in progress and was willing to continue on with him because I cared for him in so many other ways than just being sexually compatible that I found it refreshing. I had never been with anyone where I didn't care about how our sex was because they were so great as a person.
It didn't take long for me to notice he never went down on me. He did it once and his eyes were so red and I was so embarrassed but moved on. The second time, same thing! And yes, I care a ton about my hygiene so I know it's not that. I confronted him about it and he told me he just didn't know how to do it really and isn't good at it and told me he would do some research (which he never did). One day we were talking oral sex and how I loved going down on him but didn't think he did to me, and that I wanted him to WANT to do it and that I want him to learn to love my downstairs. He said "well I don't have to LOVE it", and I sincerely feel like that was foreshadowing into our entire relationship because those were the only 2 times he has ever done it.
Our sex life is pretty lame. We probably had sex once a month before getting married, and now it's basically 2-3 times a year it seems like. I've always been unfulfilled with how often this happens and doing it this infrequent makes it really hard to get in the groove. So each time we do have sex, it's pretty rocky and awkward, and while I usually am pretty confident in the bedroom I am absolutely self conscious and worried about how he liked it or how it went for him. I know we lack that passion and sexual chemistry, and this has always bothered me, but I always thought we could create that as time went on (still thinking the inexperience played a factor here).
Right before we get married we move in with his parents for several months while our house was being build which ended up being the worst decision. I discovered how much my MIL gossips, how opinionated my MIL and FIL were and it created a lot of issues with my husband and I. I'd hear my MIL talking badly about other family members or saying something really strange to me and would bring it up to him and he always gave her the benefit of the doubt saying she means well, or that he knows she'd never mean something in a certain way, etc. We ended up having major trust issues with them and needing to take lots of breaks from them when we got pregnant with our first (and had moved into our house), which lead to even more trust issues when our first was born. They were extremely defensive with each and every boundary/ask/rule/etc regarding our LO we'd bring up and there was always something negative with every interaction I would have with them. It was so exhausting, and my husband would always give them the benefit of the doubt. It really weighed on me as time went on and this continued. I realized that his gut reaction was always to prioritize his parents comfort over mine, whether that meant talking to them in a certain way so they wouldn't have a reaction, not say anything at all, or contort what they were saying in order to make it seem less bad. This went on through my second pregnancy as well.
I basically had to teach him how to have boundaries with his parents. We would have so many damn conversations about it and it was a lot of hand holding which I was understanding with. It was a lengthy process and we're getting to a better point with that aspect, as in, he can kind of hold his own and stand up for our family, but the amount of resentment I have towards him for feeling so isolated all the time over the years is crazy.
In addition to this, I basically mother him at home and I hate it. He can't do anything without being told! He doesn't help out around the house unless I make him or ask him 100 times, he does 0 deep cleaning or projects. I feel like the man of the house. It has gotten to the point where I have to clean the entire house every single day, and before doing so I get so mad at him for his lack of assistance with it when he's at home. I am a SAHM now and recognize this as my "job" while he is at work, and then we share responsibilities when he gets home - or at least we agree that this is how it should be.
Back to our relationship and lack of intimacy; I know that after having kids things can really take a turn for the worse but I am really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel and am worried that HE married the wrong woman. I've always understood men to do anything for someone they like/love and I just don't feel it from him. He doesn't compliment me ever, he doesn't take any pictures of me which hurts considering I have 500,000 of him and the kids on my phone. When I confront him about basically nagging him and his lack of initiation or effort for literally any type of intimacy, it's always that he doesn't know why he's like that and that he wants to change and that he promises he'll make more efforts but never does. It's like he manipulates me by saying he wants to change and he wants the same things I do, but then does nothing. Just like how he did absolutely no research on oral sex/sex in general before getting married.
Now that I'm 1 year postpartum with my second and finally starting to feel more like myself and look like myself, he's still the same. It's making me feel like things will never change and I'm starting to wonder if I'll be able to survive in a basically sexless/loveless marriage in which I have to continue mothering my husband. I just feel like a bunch of nothing in this relationship. I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel respected, and i think I might feel contempt towards him.
He is very understanding when we talk about everything and empathetic and wanting to change (manipulative is how it feels though because of the amount of empty promises), and I'm worried. He doesn't want a divorce, but that has been on the table for the last few months and still no change from him. Do I continue down this path of hoping he will finally change this time or move on? Ultimately, a happy mother is the best thing I can give my kids so divorce isn't off the table in that regard, but it's such a hard decision.
Our relationship has been so complex so it's been kind of hard to sum it all up, but I'm hoping for some advice on whether we can save this marriage. That would be extremely appreciate! Or even similar stories would be helpful! He has been reluctant to go to couples therapy with me or even himself until now, but I worry it's too late at this point.
submitted by Suitable_Muscle_1939 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
TLDR: I feel extremely unfulfilled in my marriage and am worried we are better off divorced. We have no sexual chemistry, no intimacy or passion, I basically have to mother him into doing anything around the house and have to hold his hand when he has hard conversations with his parents. He's a great dad to our kids, but he isn't a great husband to me and I'm worried we're headed to a divorce.
Before we got married, we had so much fun together. We went on so many dates and were always out and about doing something fun and exciting. We were very much attracted to each other, but the sex was never that great. I was very experienced and had a lot of sexual partners in my college years, and he could probably count his on one hand. I always thought it was a work in progress and was willing to continue on with him because I cared for him in so many other ways than just being sexually compatible that I found it refreshing. I had never been with anyone where I didn't care about how our sex was because they were so great as a person.
It didn't take long for me to notice he never went down on me. He did it once and his eyes were so red and I was so embarrassed but moved on. The second time, same thing! And yes, I care a ton about my hygiene so I know it's not that. I confronted him about it and he told me he just didn't know how to do it really and isn't good at it and told me he would do some research (which he never did). One day we were talking oral sex and how I loved going down on him but didn't think he did to me, and that I wanted him to WANT to do it and that I want him to learn to love my downstairs. He said "well I don't have to LOVE it", and I sincerely feel like that was foreshadowing into our entire relationship because those were the only 2 times he has ever done it.
Our sex life is pretty lame. We probably had sex once a month before getting married, and now it's basically 2-3 times a year it seems like. I've always been unfulfilled with how often this happens and doing it this infrequent makes it really hard to get in the groove. So each time we do have sex, it's pretty rocky and awkward, and while I usually am pretty confident in the bedroom I am absolutely self conscious and worried about how he liked it or how it went for him. I know we lack that passion and sexual chemistry, and this has always bothered me, but I always thought we could create that as time went on (still thinking the inexperience played a factor here).
Right before we get married we move in with his parents for several months while our house was being build which ended up being the worst decision. I discovered how much my MIL gossips, how opinionated my MIL and FIL were and it created a lot of issues with my husband and I. I'd hear my MIL talking badly about other family members or saying something really strange to me and would bring it up to him and he always gave her the benefit of the doubt saying she means well, or that he knows she'd never mean something in a certain way, etc. We ended up having major trust issues with them and needing to take lots of breaks from them when we got pregnant with our first (and had moved into our house), which lead to even more trust issues when our first was born. They were extremely defensive with each and every boundary/ask/rule/etc regarding our LO we'd bring up and there was always something negative with every interaction I would have with them. It was so exhausting, and my husband would always give them the benefit of the doubt. It really weighed on me as time went on and this continued. I realized that his gut reaction was always to prioritize his parents comfort over mine, whether that meant talking to them in a certain way so they wouldn't have a reaction, not say anything at all, or contort what they were saying in order to make it seem less bad. This went on through my second pregnancy as well.
I basically had to teach him how to have boundaries with his parents. We would have so many damn conversations about it and it was a lot of hand holding which I was understanding with. It was a lengthy process and we're getting to a better point with that aspect, as in, he can kind of hold his own and stand up for our family, but the amount of resentment I have towards him for feeling so isolated all the time over the years is crazy.
In addition to this, I basically mother him at home and I hate it. He can't do anything without being told! He doesn't help out around the house unless I make him or ask him 100 times, he does 0 deep cleaning or projects. I feel like the man of the house. It has gotten to the point where I have to clean the entire house every single day, and before doing so I get so mad at him for his lack of assistance with it when he's at home. I am a SAHM now and recognize this as my "job" while he is at work, and then we share responsibilities when he gets home - or at least we agree that this is how it should be.
Back to our relationship and lack of intimacy; I know that after having kids things can really take a turn for the worse but I am really struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel and am worried that HE married the wrong woman. I've always understood men to do anything for someone they like/love and I just don't feel it from him. He doesn't compliment me ever, he doesn't take any pictures of me which hurts considering I have 500,000 of him and the kids on my phone. When I confront him about basically nagging him and his lack of initiation or effort for literally any type of intimacy, it's always that he doesn't know why he's like that and that he wants to change and that he promises he'll make more efforts but never does. It's like he manipulates me by saying he wants to change and he wants the same things I do, but then does nothing. Just like how he did absolutely no research on oral sex/sex in general before getting married.
Now that I'm 1 year postpartum with my second and finally starting to feel more like myself and look like myself, he's still the same. It's making me feel like things will never change and I'm starting to wonder if I'll be able to survive in a basically sexless/loveless marriage in which I have to continue mothering my husband. I just feel like a bunch of nothing in this relationship. I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel respected, and i think I might feel contempt towards him.
He is very understanding when we talk about everything and empathetic and wanting to change (manipulative is how it feels though because of the amount of empty promises), and I'm worried. He doesn't want a divorce, but that has been on the table for the last few months and still no change from him. Do I continue down this path of hoping he will finally change this time or move on? Ultimately, a happy mother is the best thing I can give my kids so divorce isn't off the table in that regard, but it's such a hard decision.
Our relationship has been so complex so it's been kind of hard to sum it all up, but I'm hoping for some advice on whether we can save this marriage. That would be extremely appreciate! Or even similar stories would be helpful! He has been reluctant to go to couples therapy with me or even himself until now, but I worry it's too late at this point.
2024.05.21 14:58 Careful_Cabinet_2121 To the girls that dumped, would you ever get back?
Would you ever get back with him, if in the relationship you knew he love you and care for you. He just didn't change the way you needed him to. For 4 years We were in LDR, She knows I love her and she tells me she knows... She just said I changed too late, that it took her to the point where she felt drained and exhausted to leave. Now that she has left, she feels free and is still happy with having no pressure, and spending time with her friends etc....
My issues were, making her feel bad about things she wanted to wear, when she wanted to join social groups, when she wanted to go out with her friends late at night. I never stopped her just either complained or asked to compromise. Although I improved, her needs of a bf who would show support in everything she wanted- was not met.... we've had little breaks up on this before (2 times) in which i said i will improve, which i did, but never fully let go. This time it is it.
After we broke up, even after many efforts, therapy, showing my support for her and even still looking out for her whenever the weather gets too cold or too hot, booking her a taxi home, or buying her food, making sure she eats enough. Booking a taxi home when it gets late when she is out with her friends late at night.
I've asked her to give me another chance, but she said 1) Her family and friends doesn't want her back with me, because the had a bad opinion of me based on what she told them i guess (negatives never the positives) 2) I crossed boundaries when I reached out to her friends to ask how to navigate this tough times and also messaged her mum saying thank you. She said she didn't want to involve anyone in our relationship difficulties and I made it worse, now that everyone knows.
We are still talking (messaging) but she doesn't talk to me much. It's not how we used to. Every time I mention about getting back together and about us, she feels pressured and tells me she doesn't want to talk about it. She is happy with where she is now. That she wants to be happy with friends and family and maybe time they will change their opinions about me. But she wants me to move on. idk what that even means...
Would you ever get back with a guy like me? I would do so much to get back with her. I have let go of all my insecurities and do everything ... but it doesn't seem like it's working
submitted by Careful_Cabinet_2121 to BreakUps [link] [comments]
My issues were, making her feel bad about things she wanted to wear, when she wanted to join social groups, when she wanted to go out with her friends late at night. I never stopped her just either complained or asked to compromise. Although I improved, her needs of a bf who would show support in everything she wanted- was not met.... we've had little breaks up on this before (2 times) in which i said i will improve, which i did, but never fully let go. This time it is it.
After we broke up, even after many efforts, therapy, showing my support for her and even still looking out for her whenever the weather gets too cold or too hot, booking her a taxi home, or buying her food, making sure she eats enough. Booking a taxi home when it gets late when she is out with her friends late at night.
I've asked her to give me another chance, but she said 1) Her family and friends doesn't want her back with me, because the had a bad opinion of me based on what she told them i guess (negatives never the positives) 2) I crossed boundaries when I reached out to her friends to ask how to navigate this tough times and also messaged her mum saying thank you. She said she didn't want to involve anyone in our relationship difficulties and I made it worse, now that everyone knows.
We are still talking (messaging) but she doesn't talk to me much. It's not how we used to. Every time I mention about getting back together and about us, she feels pressured and tells me she doesn't want to talk about it. She is happy with where she is now. That she wants to be happy with friends and family and maybe time they will change their opinions about me. But she wants me to move on. idk what that even means...
Would you ever get back with a guy like me? I would do so much to get back with her. I have let go of all my insecurities and do everything ... but it doesn't seem like it's working