Previous Part
My eyes darted around the room, still shocked from the brutality I just witnessed from Shaoni. Katrina had strutted out of view and when my eyes turned to where Brooke’s crumpled form should’ve been he was gone to. At some point both Robert and John had run off towards the growing sounds of gunfire. Shaoni and I still stood in the coliseum, shaken to our cores but both for very different reasons.
*CLANG*
The sudden noise startled me, the sound of metal on metal. The sound came again, this time I heard it clearly and turned around to face the noise only to be met by a few familiar faces.
“Don’t mean to bother you but their shootin up the place, could ya let us the hell in!”
Rocco shouted as he beat Brookes stolen lighter against the metals bars that closed off the back entrance to the coliseum. Bianca gave me a sheepish wave as I looked over their faces again. Frank, Stein, and Tuck were with her. They must have come through the same way Bianca and I had a few days before.
“NOW!”
Rocco shouted in irritation as my brain finally kicked into gear and I ran over to let them through the barred metal gate.
“What’s going on up there?”
I wondered out loud, concerned by how shell shocked they all looked.
“I’d guess something involving the government, with equipment like that I doubt it would be anyone else. Just as we got to the hole Bianca mentioned several men in black tactical gear came out of the forest at our sides. When we didn’t clear out like they demanded they started firing so we dove in.”
Stein explained.
“I take it that’s Shaoni?”
He added, pointing towards where she lay, hunched over and taking shaky breaths on the ground.
“Is she alright?”
Bianca chimed in, craning her neck to get a better view of her past everyone else.
“The hell should we care!? Isn’t it her fault we’re doin’ any of this in the first place?”
Rocco grumbled up at us as he laid back on the ground. Glad to see he wasn’t taking things to seriously. Tuck just stared at Shaoni with this intense anger in his eyes, he didn’t say a word.
I know I shouldn’t care what happened to her at this point but a part of me just couldn’t leave Shaoni like this. Sure, she probably didn’t deserve the sympathy but I couldn’t help feeling a little bad for her now that the anger had passed. When I made my way over to her I got the sense I was seeing the real Shaoni for once. I was seeing someone who witnessed her people rise and fall, saw the country we live in change and grow as it became what we know today. Someone who’d lived countless lifetimes as a piece that just didn’t quite fit the puzzle anymore. I thought about everything Bianca had learned about Shaoni, how she was given her powers, no, her burden in the first place. Suddenly I had a pretty good idea of what exactly she brought everyone here for.
“Shaoni?... Are you… uh, you ok?”
I said like I was trying to comfort a dying animal. The closer I got the more I could hear, she was crying. It was that held back sort of crying right before the dam breaks into full on sobs. She was cracking but still trying to put on a tough face, still trying to be every bit as imposing as she had been the first night I saw her. But she wasn’t, now she just looked pitiful.
“You… you’re right you know Keith. I’m not Justice anymore… I…I don’t think I have been for a very long time.”
She choked out through tears that flowed freely down her face as she rose to her feet.
“I don’t know why I brought you here… I was just so desperate to…”
She trailed off but that was alright, I already knew what she was going to say.
“To escape? Pass on your burden? This whole thing was to chose someone to pass the Thunderbird spirit onto wasn’t it?”
I asked, sure that I was right.
“Yes, this is what I wanted from the start, to give my burden to one of you. At first I wanted the trials to help me make my decision but by the time all of you arrived I just wanted a way out. I wanted to finally live a real life. I’ve lived too long… I just want to live simply before the end that should’ve come so long ago.”
Shaoni cried, more controlled now as she finally started to get a hold of herself.
“So what? You’d just give it to someone else! What about what that would do to them?”
“I just wanted out Keith! I know it was selfish, I don’t care! I just want the nightmare to be over!”
Shaoni screamed out at me. She was hysterical enough that I saw Stein’s hand shoot towards his belt. I’m sure he had that gun I saw yesterday waiting there so I held out my hand to signal him to wait.
“We did good once, in the beginning. But that changed, the wars the injustice I just couldn’t stand by and let that happen so I fought back. I spread the idea that fighting to the death was better than compromising for peace, compromising to save lives. That’s when we… I went wrong. I lead them astray! I was responsible for their deaths! Every! Single! One! I was bitter and resentful for years and I took it out on anyone I thought was guilty. I’ve lived with that for centuries! Do you think I don’t know I’ve become a monster Keith?!”
Shaoni finished with a look of profound shame on her face.
I never thought I’d see the day when I actually felt bad for Shaoni. Not some spur of the moment there’s a full on shootout going on above us and I probably shouldn’t let her die, feeling bad. No, I genuinely felt sorry for her after hearing her talk about the past with total honesty for once.
“You could come with us.”
I offered, looking back to everyone who’d gathered around her at that point. The looks on their faces all told me they weren’t fans of that Idea but only Tuck protested.
“I won’t help her crawl outta the bed she made! Keith, do you honestly think she doesn’t deserve everything thats comin’ to her?!”
“No, but I think she’s suffered enough. Besides, I really don’t want to leave someone down here to die knowing I could’ve done something about it.”
“You know what, fine! You care to much about this Keith, she deserves it! But if you want to take her with us don’t be surprised when she goes on and stabs ya in the back! Now come on, we should get moving.”
Tuck finished, throwing his hands up in the air in an act of frustrated surrender.
“So you realize we’ve got to go out there right? We’re not climbing back out the way we came in so heading out the main entrance is our only option at this point.”
Frank said bluntly as we watched Rocco scurry out of the hole they had dropped in from. We’d all collectively decided we were better off sending Rocco back home. Frank was right though, and even though the sounds of gunfire had started to sound a little farther away I still wasn’t a fan of getting anywhere closer to them.
“I might be able to help with that.”
Shaoni replied, getting to her feet with an air of determination.
“Stay behind me and move when I tell you to.”
We all fell into line behind Shaoni without another word. I guess all of us realized the the sobbing mess we’d seen before also just so happened to be the same Thunderbird that reduced most of Imalone to ashes. So despite how we felt about letting her lead us around it was probably our best chance at the moment.
I was a little surprised that none of… whatever was happening out there hadn’t spilled into the mine and made its way to us. We found out why just as soon as the single file line behind Shaoni made it out of the mine. The camp was devastated, what wasn’t on fire or covered in bullet holes was smashed or ripped to pieces. The ground was littered in bodies and shell casings. A few hundred feet in front of us a small group of Shaoni’s followers where taking shots at the men in black tactical gear Stein had mentioned. There was maybe ten of them but it looked like those ten had slaughtered nearly all of the followers that had made up this camp.
I threw up on the spot, I was so shocked by the scene in front of me I didn’t even manage to bend over, it just kinda waterfalled out of my mouth. I heard Bianca groan in disgust from behind me. I didn’t understand why everyone else wasn’t reacting the same way I was. As I came back to my senses after a minute or so I took off my now vomit covered jacket and felt the cool air through my shirt. Shaoni had instructed us to move and I must’ve moved on my own. All of us were gathered behind a small rocky outcrop near the entrance to the mine.
“You doing alright?”
Bianca asked quietly from behind me, putting a hand on my shoulder. I turned to look at her and noticed the jewel encrusted dagger from before was clutched in her hand, twinkling with reflections from her now glowing blue eyes.
I could barely hear Bianca over the sounds of gunfire. Which almost certainly meant the last of the survivors were being wiped out. I couldn’t watch anymore death today so I just ducked lower behind our cover.
“You hear me Keith? Are you ok?”
Bianca persisted with a little more concern in her voice. I was still trying to pretend I hadn’t just seen dozens of dead bodies but I couldn’t really ignore her forever.
“No not…not really.”
I said, my voice coming out silent as a church mouse.
“Was it the-”
I cut her off
“I’ve never seen a dead body before, I mean I have but not like… not like that. The one guy his jaw was just…. Just gone. How do you guys do it? How do you just look at that and not react?”
Bianca sighed and looked me in the eyes. There was a kind of recognition in them, like she was seeing a little bit of herself in my situation.
“We’ve all seen a lot of horrible stuff in our lives, we’re used to it. Still it doesn’t make it feel normal to see… this. Do you think you can hold it together a bit longer or do you want me to…”
Bianca trailed off but it was obvious to me what she meant. Bianca was offering to soothe that terrified part of me with her powers again.
“Thanks but no, I’ll be alright I’ll probably be seeing this in my dreams for weeks though.”
I answered, trying to make a stupid joke to lighten the mood. Bianca cracked a hint of a smile and that was enough for me.
While we’d been talking everyone had failed to notice Shaoni was gone. She had stood up and was walking straight towards where those men in black gear where picking through what was left of her followers. She was glowing though, every single tattoo glowed with an intense white light and then in a flash she was gone, and the Thunderbird was in her place. Frank and Stein stared in awe of the huge beast in front of them. The Thunderbird looked exactly as I remembered. The blue feathers and steel gray beak reflecting in the light from its crackling white eyes.
“That’s it, That’s the god damn bird!”
Tuck yelled like we couldn’t see what was right in front of us. I think he was just surprised to see the Thunderbird again. Even after years of swearing to get back at “the bird” for the friends he lost I don’t think he ever thought he’d come face to face with it again. Seeing it must be bringing up more than a few memories he’d rather forget.
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret! She’s been helping us Tuck, at least put your differences aside until we’ve gotten all this figured out.”
Stein yelled over an ear splitting screech from the massive bird as Tuck began to tense up. Every muscle in his body looked like it was about to pop, they were bulging to an inhuman degree. With a long exhale he loosened up and the swelling went down.
“Damn it… fine! But only till we got things settled here, after that I need to have a “conversation” with that… thing!”
Tuck shouted in begrudging agreement.
The men in front of us all turned toward Shaoni, her new form towering over them. Then I heard a familiar voice shout out,
“You wanted it gone, You’re looking at it! What’re you all waiting for!”
A commanding voice rang out from one of the people in front of us. I didn’t take long to spot the platinum blonde hair poking out from under the armored black helmet the woman wore, not just any woman, Katrina. I didn’t have much time to let that sink in before Katrina made a fist, stuck two fingers up in the air and shook them forward at us. After that, all hell broke loose.
The men behind Katrina rushed forward, guns drawn. Stein drew his own pistol and cocked it, taking aim at the approaching men. Tuck tensed up again and this time he didn’t hold himself back. Bones cracked and skin shifted to accommodate the inhuman muscles he now possessed. Hair sprang up all over his body and under it his face became more angular, his nose almost snout-like. Tuck looked something like a werewolf but definitely not the wolf man I expected. He looked more like an extremely hairy, unnaturally muscular feral person than any wolf man. Frank, Bianca, and I all hunkered down behind the outcrop, waiting for the worst to happen. Shaoni took to the sky with a flap of her massive wings as the gunfire started.
Nothing ever really prepares you for how loud a gunshot actually is, especially a whole bunch of them from fully automatic weapons. There’s nothing quite like being shot at either, at some point you just have to accept the fact that at any moment one of those things flying around you is going to hit you and just get ready for it. That doesn’t actually do anything to calm you down though, at least it didn’t for me. I was huddled behind that little outcropping like a puppy hiding from fireworks on the fourth of July. Wind gusted all around us as Shaoni flapped her wings furiously. The wind coming from her winds was so intense it blew the bullets being fired at her off course. Lead rained all around us as I listened to the cracks of even more bullets being fired. I heard growling as something roughly Tuck sized tore forwards toward the gunfire.
The sky was turning an enraged black and rain had already started to fall in sheets. Lightning struck the ground every so often as well, to close and regular to be natural. I peaked up over the outcrop at one point. I was just in time to see one of the men get struck by a bolt of lightning and tense up as he fell to the ground. As the men kept firing at Shaoni some of their shots started to hit home. The bullets that didn’t get turned away with the wind glanced off her massive form. Whatever those feathers were made off seemed to stop most of the bullets dead in their tracks but it was becoming obvious Shaoni couldn’t keep this up. From our position behind the outcrop Bianca and I both felt the beats of her wings and the gusts of wind that came with it coming slower and slower. We shared a glance for just a second, from the look in Bianca’s eyes, I felt certain we were doomed. More and more of the bullets seemed to be hitting Shaoni and her movements became slower still until eventually it happened.
With a shrill cry she fell from the sky, her blue features stained red in places. Shaoni hit the ground with an earthshaking crash and lay still. Katrina screamed something I couldn’t hear in the violent storm that still raged all around us. When I inched my way up to take a look I saw Katrina and her men charging toward Shaoni guns drawn. Behind them I caught sight of Tuck’s muscular figure getting back up from the ground. I hadn’t been keeping an eye on him before but it looked like he’d seen better days. He hesitated a bit before me moved, looking back to the outcrop where we were and over towards where Shaoni lay. He looked once, twice, then shook his head, mind apparently made up and ran at the men on all fours.
They didn’t hear him coming from behind over the storm and as they raised there weapons Tuck pounced. With one swipe of his humongous hand he sent one of the men flying off towards the forest. Even Katrina was surprised by Tuck’s sudden attack. The time provided by everyone taking a moment to decided who to point their gun at gave Shaoni just enough time to act. She shot one wing out, glancing off everyone near her and knocking them to the ground. One of them men’s helmets flew off with the hit and Stein quickly lined up a shot and fired, hitting the man in the top of the head. The look in his eyes was devoid of any emotion as he ducked back down behind the outcrop. I got the sense this wasn’t the first time Stein had killed, not surprising considering his time in Germany. Still, there was something unsettling about that look in the old scientists eyes.
As Katrina and her men got their bearings again and started firing at Tuck bullets plinked off the outcrop. Apparently they hadn’t forgotten we were there. I stole a quick glance over to where Shaoni had fallen but the Thunderbird was gone revealing a hole in the ground created from the impact of her fall.
“TUCK!”
I screamed out to get his attention for a moment. Tuck’s head swirled towards me just long enough for him to see my outstretched hand pointing to the hole in the ground. I grabbed Bianca’s hand and pulled her to her feet, making a mad dash to the hole. Frank and Stein saw what we were doing and followed after us. Stein fired wild shots off towards Katrina and her men while Tuck kept harassing them.
By some miracle Tuck was still going even as I saw bullets tear into him, he was an animal. He tossed the men around like rag dolls and at one point I turned to see him bring his now claw-like fingernails arching upwards. The head of the man he’d hit was bent back at a sickening angle, he was dead there was no question but Tuck didn’t even stop to spare a thought for the man. Seeing one of their comrades killed in front of them seemed to get the attention of the entire group of them. I hated to admit it but it was exactly the distraction we needed.
As we ran past the chaos of the fight I heard a mix of screams of agony and determination. At one point one of the men’s broken bodies flew over the four of us and hit the ground with a wet crunch that sent a shiver down my spine. We just kept running though, everyone following behind me because I looked like I had a plan. To be fair I did, it was just a bad plan, more of a feeling honestly. I thought if we could get into that hole Shaoni made we might find a way out, a real long shot but it was the best I could do right now.
By the time we reached the hole and I jumped in Tuck had thrown just about every one of Katrina’s men all over the little clearing we were in. Some where very clearly dead but some where rolling around and groaning. Katrina was still standing though, just before I fell deep enough into the hole I got a quick glance at her as she took aim at Tuck who seemed to finally be feeling all the punishment he’d been taking.
I didn’t even have time to scream a warning before my feet hit the hard rock below me and everyone else fell in on top of me.
“Sorry… sorry”
Bianca squeaked out as she pulled herself out of the pile of bodies we’d become. Frank, Stein, and Bianca seemed alright but my ankle was definitely sprained, badly.
“Can you walk on that?”
Bianca asked, examining my ankle in the strange blue light that emanated from further down the chamber we’d fallen into.
“Maybe? Here can I just lean on you?…. yeah, yeah that’ll work.”
I told her, using her to pull myself to my feet and leaning on her for support.
“What are we looking for Keith?”
Frank wondered out loud, a little fear creeping in to his voice as he looked around the chamber.
“I’m not actually sure, I was hoping we’d find Shaoni down here, maybe a tunnel out.”
I grunted out honestly, still reeling form the pain shooting up from my ankle.
“Wait where’s Tuck?”
“If he didn’t make it down we have to assume the worst. We can’t afford to wait now.”
Stein answered, quickly and professionally like someones life wasn’t at stake.
“He never had to come out here for me! We can at least wait for him, give him a chance-”
Stein cut me off
“None of us had to come here for you! We knew the risks so did Tuck. If we wait here now his sacrifice means nothing!”
Stein yelled at me. He was right, none of them needed to be out here but I still didn’t like leaving someone behind. As Frank and stein trudged forward Bianca and I hesitated a bit.
“I don’t want to leave him either but Stein’s right. Just lean on me and lets keep moving, we can come back later and look for his…”
Bianca trailed off before she could say body but I got the message, and if Bianca was moving forward I really didn’t have much of a choice.
We didn’t have to go far to find Shaoni, her usual deerskin clothing was ripped and stained with blood in places. All in all she didn’t look as bad as I thought she would. The light we saw at the entrance was coming from her tattoos as every one glowed brightly with blue light. The same light glowed faintly from four Thunderbird totems placed in the corners of the huge room.
“Welcome to my nest.”
Shaoni said with a dry chuckle, extending her arms out to her sides before immediately clasping them back over a wound in her side.
“Shaoni, are you… are you going to be alright.”
I asked, but before I could get any sort of answer I was interrupted by snarky laughter and a cocking gun.
“Well thanks for leading me right to where I wanted to be Keith.”
Katrina remarked as she walked into the room.
Bianca’s eyes glowed that all to familiar blue but Katrina was a step ahead of her.
“Yeah I wouldn’t try that if I were you. Sure you could force me to walk right out of here but it’s going to take a second to break me, longer than it would take me to pull this trigger.”
Katrina responded with a sneer, turning the gun on Bianca. Bianca jumped back like a scared cat. Ducking under my arm and putting all my weight back on my sprained ankle.
“Wait Don’t!… Argh!”
I cried out at her just before I fell to the ground.
“Ok, ok just… don’t.”
Bianca conceded, putting her hands up and backing away as the blue glow faded from her eyes. When he saw what Katrina was doing Frank wrestled Stein’s gun out of his hands and pointed it straight at Katrina, finger trembling on the trigger.
“Don’t you dare hurt her!”
Frank shouted, face turning red with fury.
“Well thats cute…”
And with an earsplitting bang Katrina turned and shot Frank in the leg. He fell to his knees, dropping the gun he’d been holding as Stein scrambled to hold him up.
“Don’t get in my way, don’t threaten me, and I won’t have to hurt anyone. Now Shaoni, where were we?”
Katrina cooed with murder in her voice as she took a step forward. I tried to pull myself up to my feet, only succeeding in making a pitiful cry as I fell back down again. Bianca flinched towards me but backed up fast when Katrina’s gaze shot her way.
“Keith, you’re still alive? I don’t know how you keep getting mixed into things but you’ve gotta learn when to just give up. I was supposed to kill all of you down there after the third trial. I gave you an out and you just stuck around. Tell you what though, you can still walk away cause I feel bad you got dragged into this in the first place. I have no idea what she was thinking, roping you into this with no idea about the supernatural at all.”
Katrina addressed me, pointing over at Shaoni after helping me to my feet. It hurt to stand but I was getting used to the pain.
“Above everything else I was supposed to kill the Thunderbird and thats what I’m going to do, after that you all can walk out of here.”
Katrina took slow steps toward Shaoni who simply glared at her. She didn’t try to run though, something told me she was ready, no matter how the next few minutes played out. But I had one more trick up my sleeve as I limped over, putting myself in between Shaoni and Katrina.
“She just wants out of all this Katrina! You have to know about where she came from, everything she’s been through!”
I yelled through gritted teeth, biting back the white hot pain shooting up from my ankle.
“I know enough It’s sad sure, but everyone’s got a sad story these days. She’s been flying around taking out whole towns to use as havens for people who want to follow this ass backwards sense of justice she’s got. I don’t want to become that person who’s hunting down supernaturals like her no questions asked just because I was ordered to. But in this case she’s responsible for hundreds of deaths. The “accidents” that happen in those towns are all her fault, and not all of them are as nice as Eagles Peak. The kind of people a town outside of any real form of government or law attracts aren’t the people you want to be neighbors with. She’s got to die Keith, so do you if your going to try and stop me.”
Katrina explained as she stalked closer to me. I really didn’t want to do what I knew I had to do next but I couldn’t watch anyone else die today.
“Alright, I guess there’s no other way then, Shaoni I’ll take on your burden.”
The whole room exploded into a chorus of “what” in varying degrees of shock but my mind was made up. I turned to Shaoni as she asked,
“Are you sure Keith?”
“Yes.”
Before anyone could recover from the shock of what I was about to do she reached out and grabbed my hands. I took hold of her’s and she said something in a language I couldn’t hope to understand as my vision went white.
When I could see again I was… somewhere else. Lightning flashed intermittently overhead and a grassy field extended out forever around me. In front of me stood a misty grey form of a bird it was huge, easily twice the size of the form I’d seen Shaoni take. Through its shifting misty form I could see Shaoni. The bird seemed to be talking to her but I couldn’t make anything out, I could only guess it was a Thunderbird spirit. It seemed to nod to Shaoni before it turned to me and stared me dead in the eyes. Its beak didn’t move, actually no part of it moved but I still heard its voice in my head as its eyes continued to boar into me.
“My chosen, Justice, claims she has lost her way, is this true?”
I couldn’t begin to describe how this voice sounded, powerful is the only word that came to mind. I didn’t feel like I was in any danger though, in fact I felt calmer than I ever had.
“She has.”
I got the sense that quick simple answers were probably best here.
“Justice spoke very highly of you. You offered to succeed her if she is to be believed.”
“I did, but how exactly do we-”
But I was cut off with a bow from the spirit who evaporated all around me. My vision blurred and everything went white again as I collapsed into the soft grass.
I came to on the floor next to Shaoni, it couldn’t have been that much later because neither of us had any new bullet holes in us.
“What did you just do?”
Katrina asked standing above me and looking absolutely stupefied.
“The Thunderbird is dead.”
Was my simple, potentially completely bullshit answer. Katrina looked from me to Shaoni and back again, eyes growing wide as the realization dawned on her.
“You know what? That works for me, just don’t cause us any trouble and we can just forget this whole thing ever happened. Oh, I like the new eyes by the way.”
With that Katrina walked off and climbed a rope ladder she had attached to the ground outside the hole we fell through.
Everything else that happened was a blur, we went back out and found pretty much all of Katrina’s men dead. Tuck was shot several times and barley breathing when Shaoni of all people found him. She called us over and Stein assured us he’d be alright if we got him back to the lab soon. We carried Tuck’s hairy form over to one of the SUV’s and raced back into town. On the way we drove past Katrina who’d also taken one of the SUV’s and was heading out of town. Bianca made a comment at some point that I looked different. When we got back to the house I looked in a mirror and saw my eyes where the same shade of grey Shaoni’s had been.
Speaking of Shaoni we took her with us, she followed us over to the car after she found Tuck. She looked a bit like a lost puppy at that point if I’m honest. I guess finally being able to live your life free of some strange sense of duty after hundreds of years will do that to you. Shaoni hasn’t actually said much since we settled back in at Bianca’s house. She eats and goes through the motions of normal life, she’ll even shoot you a warm smile if she catches you staring at her. I’m still not used to seeing her with green eyes though. I think she just feels lost but I’m ready to help show her the ins and outs of normal-ish life when she’s ready to ask for help.
Frank and Stein went back to doing their normal experimenting pretty fast. The whole thing past them by like a particularly eventful weekend. Even Frank’s bullet wound was quickly forgotten about. Pretty much as soon as he treated it it was like it never even happened to him. Tuck got back on his feet with a lot of help from Frank and Stein. He walks with a permanent limp now but other than that he’s fine. Richelle just about had a conniption when we told her what happened and she hasn’t left Tuck’s side since. She seemed surprised when we described his transformation and we came to find out he never told her about his, “Condition”. That may be why they’ve been so inseparable lately, she just wants to help him however she can and he sure isn’t complaining about that.
Tuck and Shaoni have been getting along as well. I never thought I’d see the day those two sat down and just talked but after a tense first few weeks they came to an understanding. They aren’t old friends now by any means but I’ve walked in on them both talking about their pasts. Maybe sharing stories helps them deal with living such long lives.
As for me and Bianca we started dating and thats been… well that’s been just great. I think its good for both of us cause after everything that happened at the old mine I was just a bundle of nerves. Having someone like her to talk to, someone who gets it, who’s seen so much worse helps put things in perspective. She finally has someone to really talk to in town too. Theres not a whole lot of trouble for us to get up to but we’ve started making a habit of pouring over Frank and Stein’s notes on the supernatural. Not the most riveting idea for a night in but I like learning more about whats really out there.
I still don’t feel any different after taking on Shaoni’s “burden”. Maybe that sense of duty she felt really was just all in her head, a promise to her people that she never let go. Honestly I haven’t tried to use whatever powers might come with my own condition. I just don’t feel like I need to. Like I told Katrina, the Thunderbird is dead. I’m sure not going to be the next Shaoni or anything like that but maybe It’ll help us find Brooke.
Thats the one thing that keeps Bianca and I up at night, we never found Brooke’s body. The two of us went up to the old mine a week or so after everything happened to look around for any sign of him but we didn’t find a trace. In fact the whole thing was cleaned up and the entrance to the mine was collapsed. I’m willing to bet whoever Katrina works for came back to try and wipe away any traces they may have left here. Maybe they found Brooke out there and dealt with him themselves, maybe he’s still out there somewhere. But for now everything’s been pretty calm, even normal around here.
Rocco is still a menace, Tuck still leaves the Eagle’s Roost door unlocked at all hours of the day, and theres still next to no people living here. Without Shaoni and her trials looming over me life is actually pretty good here. So that’s my story, how a storm and a huge bird dragged me halfway across the country and I started dating a succubus…right after I became the Thunderbird. It still seems crazy when I say it like that. Maybe I’ll dig up something on Brooke but for now I think I’ve finally found my new normal out here in the curiously named town with no Eagles and no Peaks.

My lovely husband tilled wood ash into one of my garden beds, where I was planning on putting some peppers and eggplant. From what I am reading, my peppers would be best somewhere else, but the jury is out on eggplants. Some sites say it's beneficial, some say no way. I'm curious if I should just throw them in anyway and see what happens.

Terminal of Lorna Pace:
    2079-01-06
        Kurt’s been acting weird lately. Last Tuesday, he and Lillian were seen arguing in the hallway outside the mess. I’ve never seen those two fight. Through the famine, when the bombs dropped, even living down here in this cramped space, I’ve never heard so much as a raised voice coming from them, and today it looked like Kurt was about to strangle Lil. It worries me. If people as sweet as them could start falling apart, what about George and I?
    2085-03-12
        My Pip-Boy scared the wits out of me yesterday! I was sitting around, listening to the radio when suddenly an alarm started going off. It said proximity threat detected. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran out into the hall and called for help. Steve, Eddy, and Doctor Marc all came running. I showed them, and Eddy said it was probably a malfunction and asked if he could take it. But I insisted that Steve look around and Doctor Marc joined him. Next thing I know, they find George, lying on the ground, barely breathing. I thought he’d been attacked, but Doctor Marc took said he had a heart attack. After Steve searched everywhere and George was taken to the clinic, Doctor Marc said he could easily have died if we’d taken much more time to find him. I don’t know what kind of malfunction that was, but someone was sure looking out for us.
    2087-08-11
        I haven’t seen as many people together since the first Christmas after we all got trapped down here. It had only been two months since the world died, and we were all tense. We needed a way to relax and forget the horror that we were living in. The Overseer decided to throw a big holiday party. But no one felt like dancing. No one felt like celebrating. We were all together in a huge room, all something like five-hundred of us. And no one was doing anything more than drinking and muttering. Until George marched up to the Overseer’s podium and started singing. It was ridiculous. There was no music, George was no great singer, and the acoustics were horrendous. But it didn’t matter. George didn’t get embarrassed like that. He started singing to the room, to himself, maybe to me. It didn’t matter. He gave that room the push it needed. Roy Chen took it home, now that man can sing. But he’d never gone more than five feet away from the punch bowl until George went up first. Roy sang again today. Everyone gave kind words. It was nice to see everyone come together. I just wish he could have seen how much he inspired everyone.
    2092-05-27
        I had a nice talk with George today. I told him about the neighbors. We got a new Overseer this week, and he seemed especially interested in that. I didn’t even get to what the Davenport girl did before he got too tired to keep going. I miss when we could talk long into the night. But most people don’t get the chance that I do. I was a mess for a week after the funeral until I saw the pop-up on my Pip-Boy. I don’t understand how it happened, but it saved George once, and I guess it just saved him again in a different way. I know that it’s saved me.
 
   
   
Terminal of Ashley Davenport:
    2080-03-29
        I think my Pip-Boy is malfunctioning. I was out with Lillian McTavish and Eva Tenley, having our little gossip club, when as I went to take a sip of wine, my Pip-Boy started flashing. It was something I’d never seen before telling me to, “Drink more milk.” I don’t think we even have any milk left! I asked the girls about it and they said they’d never seen anything like it. I think it might have been an old ad left over from before the bombs fell, but weren’t these only meant for vault dwellers? I just don’t understand who would use that.
    2086-03-15
        Little Suzie is growing up to be such a sweetheart! She turned five a couple of months ago, and Michael and I couldn’t be prouder! But, we didn’t have anything to give to her. It’s one of the bitter-sweet parts of living in a vault like this. All of our needs are taken care of, but we can’t exactly go to the store and buy the newest knick-knack. I asked Eve if she could make a new dress for her, but she said she’d run out of fresh materials six months ago. She said she could take one of the old dresses and just, you know, make it smaller. But it didn’t feel right. So instead, I know the Overseer said we shouldn’t, but I took off my Pip-Boy and let her play with it sometimes when I’m not using it. I don’t see why she finds it so fascinating, but she seems to love playing with all the knobs and dials on it.
    2086-07-23
        I’m starting to worry about Suzie. I know that kids like to have imaginary friends, especially since we don’t have a lot of other kids to play with down here. But when I was young, I kept my imaginary friend to making mud pies in the yard or written about in my diary. Suzy walks around talking to my Pip-Boy like it’s her best friend. I’m worried that if she keeps this up, her few chances for real friends and, when she’s ready, even a husband might be hurt. She’s just not acting normal anymore. And that’s just… It’s hard enough to hide those things when you’re living in a house with a fence around it. Sometimes I feel like our lives are on display for all to see. You simply can’t let your reputation fall around here or you end up like the McTavish’s.
    2091-01-09
        Suzie just turned ten, and the Overseer said she could officially have her own Pip-Boy now. The way he said it, I think he knew she’d been using mine for years. She asked if she could have mine, saying that if I still needed one that she’d swap mine for whatever one they gave her. I asked her why. She claimed that she was just used to mine, that it reminded her of me. But I know when my daughter is lying to me. I thought we’d cured her of this ridiculous fantasy that this machine was a friend to her. We have actual talking robots that she didn’t get nearly as attached to. I just don’t understand her or what I should do. I told her absolutely not, and that she would get whatever Pib-Boy the overseer and the men in engineering saw fit to get her. She wasn’t happy, but I’m hoping that it helps her finally divorce from this childish fancy of hers.
 
   
   
Terminal of Lillian McTavish:
    2081-04-08
        I don’t understand how Kurt keeps finding out about me. George would have been more embarrassed than I would have been, so I know he didn’t say anything. I know Eva and Eddy can be trusted. Ash wouldn’t risk her dream marriage and that precious baby of hers. And Grahame, the poor dear, died smoking in his bed before he could have gotten the chance. I’ve been careful and discrete, and yet every time I go to have a little fun for myself, he knows. Is he following me? I need to get to the bottom of this if I ever want to experience a night of pleasure again.
    2082-12-28
        Kurt was released today, against all my protests. We’re still technically married, but part of his release was that he had to stay to certain sections of the vault. This place is small, but it’s large enough that we should never have to see each other. He’s also got a new work assignment, and they took away his Pip-Boy. It still makes me nervous to be alone. Every time I’ve turned around for this past year and a half, I’ve been scared he’s going to be there. How am I supposed to feel safe now that he’s free to roam about?
    2087-05-01
        I saw Kurt today. He looked peaceful. Honestly, for a second, he looked happy. He was laughing with some of the security guys over beers and cards. Then he saw me walking by with Calvin Hanson on my arm and his face fell a little. I have to say, mine did too. Our marriage has been effectively over for a long time, even before the bombs fell. And I still don’t think I’d be able to stand to be in a room with him without shaking given what happened. But seeing him there, I was reminded of a better time. A time we made each other happy instead of miserable. When we cared for each other instead of seeing how best to hurt each other. I don’t love him anymore. I can never forgive him. But I suppose I wish it had all turned out differently.
   
   
   
Terminal of Steve Robertson:
    2081-04-14
        I had to put Kurt McTavish into our holding cell today. Virgil and I heard someone screaming halfway across the vault and had to pull him off of Lillian. She was unrecognizable. I’m not sure her face will ever be the same, but the good news is that she’s alive. When we asked him about what happened, he told us, “That damn whore can’t keep her legs shut to save her life.” Virgil asked him about it and how he knew about Lillian stepping out, and he just kept telling us, “I know, and that’s all that matters.” The overseer has final say on how we handle this, but the boys in security want him kept down here. I know Kurt, he’s a good guy. But this is the last thing we need.
    2085-04-10
        I’m either losing my mind or someone is fucking with me. I’m wondering if it’s Eddy. He works with Pip-Boys, I saw him take Lorne’s for maintenance not too long ago. A few days later, mine starts acting up, saying weird shit. Things like, “Don’t trust Virgil,” and, “Watch your back.” Whenever I go to show someone else, it disappears. I took it to engineering, had them run diagnostics and there’s nothing in the logs. I don’t know who’s doing it, I don’t know what they want, but I’m don’t find it funny!
    2085-08-02
        I don’t know what to say. I really thought I was going crazy for a while. I think… I think I did go crazy for a while there. I got paranoid, thinking someone was out to get me, started wearing my gun to bed, thought about shooting Virgil before he could shoot me. Thankfully, I convinced myself I needed evidence. I broke into his living quarters, half expecting to find nothing, half expecting to find a bomb or assassination plans or something. I never expected to find Suzie’s toy car or half of Roy Chen’s wardrobe. Virgil had property from damn near everyone in his sector and several from all across the vault. He even had a few things out of the security lockers, some of it mine. I don’t know how long he’d been stealing while out on patrol, but some of the stuff looked pretty old. The weird thing? Ever since I went in his room and brought it to the Overseer’s attention, my Pip-Boy stopped acting weird.

WARNING! What follows is CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION and should only be viewed by or under the supervision of a VAULT-TEC EXECUTIVE! Failure to follow these instructions will be met with LEGAL and CIVIL ACTION!

Vault commissioned by: RobCo Industries
Location: Sacramento, California
Admittance: 500 members of the general population. No restrictions or special instruction. Pricing and selection can be left to Vault-Tec.
Purpose: To test potential new features to Pip-Boy technology, intorudicing an advanced form of AI to work as a personal assistant, telling the wearer what they may need or want before they even know they want it.
Experiment: In a select number of Pip-Boys, about 50 of the 750 supplied to the vault, there will be installed an experimental AI meant to predict the user's needs and wants. The ability to field-test an AI like this without it being compared to our previous products, such as the often prone to error Mr. Handy or the primative AI installed in most Protectron models, is extremely limited. First impressions are going to be vital when this comes to market, and having a literally captive audience to test it out on and find any bugs or faults before they even know what it is they're interacting with will be invaluable.
    The AI in these prototype Pip-Boys has the potential to be very powerful, but it's proved incredibly difficult to compress such a complex machine into such a small package. There are more storage and cooling options in the larger robots and machines. This prototype is a little slow and imperfect, but given time it should not only be able to respond to the user but to make preditictions or even emulate a personality that can be adapted on the fly. Or, at least, after a long enough time for it to process all the necessary data. It still needs a lot of work, but that's part of the hope of this experiment is to use it as a way to find places where improvements could be made to further improve it and prepare it for market.

Sourced from https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/DrinkingGame/ThomasAndFriends

• Whenever a character says "Confusion and delay", take a drink. Take another if it isn't the Fat ControlleSir Topham Hatt.
• Whenever the Fat ControlleSir Topham Hatt says "You're a really useful engine!", take a drink.
• Whenever Gordon says "Oh, the indignity!" or "Express coming through!", drink.
• When a character gets into an accident, drink.
  • Take another one if it's Percy.
  • Take four drinks if it’s Edward or Toby.
• Whenever Thomas does something stupid, drink.
• Whenever Gordon or James behave haughtily, drink.
  • Take another if it isn't Gordon or James, or if it causes an accident (if both happen, take a drink for each one).
• Whenever Thomas complains about his snow plough, drink.
• Whenever the narrator says "Then there was trouble" or "Luckily, no one was hurt", drink.
• Whenever Gordon boasts about himself, drink.
• Whenever James brags about his red paint, drink.
• Whenever Percy asks about the meaning of a word, drink.
• Whenever Duck brings up his Great Western heritage or starts talking about "two ways of doing things", drink (if both happen, treat it as a singular action).
• Whenever the narrator uses the phrase "[insert character's name here] was/felt cross/happy/sad", drink.
  • Take another if it isn't any of those three words.
• When the narrator says "Then, an idea flew into [insert character's name here]'s funnel", drink.
• Everytime the characters laugh spontaneously, drink.
• When Duncan is grumpy, drink.
• When Diesel acts like a jerk, drink.
  • Take another if he bumps an engine from behind.
• When Bill and Ben are Trolls, drink.
  • Whenever they argue, take another drink.
• Whenever Dart says "What he means is", drink.
• When a character says "Bust my buffers!" or "Cinders and ashes!", drink.
• In the Sharon Miller seasons, whenever a character uses rhyming and/or alliteration, drink until you get alcohol poisoning.
• During The Adventure Begins, take a shot every time someone says "See the world". If it isn't Thomas, take a second.
• Take a shot every time someone says "Master of the Railway". Two if it isn't Hiro himself.
• Take a shot in the movies if an insert vocal song starts playing.
• Look through Season 17, and take a drink every time a scene happens at Ulfstead Castle. Better line up a liver transplant in advance.
• Watch Season 18, and take a drink every time a scene happens at Brendam Docks. You probably won't survive after the previous one.
• Every time Spencer acts like a Jerkass, take a sip.
  • If the entire episode goes by without any mention of the Duke and Duchess, finish your drink.
• Take a sip every time the word "streamlined" is said.
• In the CGI seasons, take a drink if an engine other than Gordon pulls express coaches.
• Whenever Edward or Toby indulge in Self-Deprecation, drink.
• Whenever Cranky gets, well, cranky, drink.
• Whenever Marion unleashes her Motor Mouth, drink.
• Whenever Timothy falls for a prank, drink.
• If an engine skives off a job, drink.
  • Take two drinks if it isn't Thomas.
• When Gordon and Spencer race, drink.
• When Ferdinand says "That's right!", drink. Prepare for alcohol poisoning if you're watching Misty Island Rescue or Season 15.
• When Henry is ill, drink.
  • Take two if it's after his re-shape.
    • Another if he's pulling The Flying Kipper and it crashes.
• Take a drink whenever Annie and Claribel are both engaging in Not So Above It All behavior.
  • Take two if Daisy is involved.
• Take a sip when the big engines make fun of the little engines. Take another if it's the other way around.
• Take a drink whenever Thomas and Bertie race each other.
• Take a drink when the Troublesome Trucks misbehave. Take another if they cause an accident, or if you hear their high pitched laugh, or when there are shots of their faceplates.
  • Finish the drink if the accident results in them getting hurt or straight up torn apart and/or mutilated beyond repair from the crash.
• Take a shot whenever engines complain about another engine being late for their trains.
• Take a shot when the passengers complain about Sodor being a bad railway whenever a delay occurs.
• In the model seasons, take a drink whenever an engine rolls their eyes around when they're happy or got into an accident.
• In the model seasons, take two drinks if you spot studio equipment. Take four drinks if you don't need to rewind and pause.
• Whenever Donald and Douglas argue, drink.
• Whenever James says "Here's James!", drink. Prepare for alcohol poisoning if you're watching the late Brenner-era episodes.
• Whenever something bad happens to the Fat ControlleSir Topham Hatt, drink.
• Whenever the narrator says, "The Fat Controller was just looking forward to/enjoying "X and Y", when he hears bad news.
• If you're watching any episode from Seasons 8-16, take a drink whenever you see a goods train without a brake van coupled to it.
• Take a shot whenever Gordon complains about pulling goods trains. Take another if it's James.
• Take a drink whenever the Steamies insult or make fun of the Diesels. Take two drinks if it's the other way around.
• Take a drink whenever the narrator says "His (or [character name]'s) driver and fireman jumped clear".
  • Take two drinks if the narrator doesn't state what happened to the crew at all.
• In the Big World, Big Adventures seasons, take a drink for every Imagine Spot or Just Train Wrong moment.
• In the CGI seasons, take a drink every time Rosie makes a cameo.
• Take a drink every time Daisy encounters a bull.
• Take a drink whenever Daisy speaks Gratuitous French.
• Take a drink when James is the Butt-Monkey.

Why did the farmer drive his tractor to the pharmacy? He wanted to visit the farm-assist!
Hi and welcome to my post! Wanted to start off with a funny to me dad joke.
Nice to meet you, I'm Dylan! To put it simple, I am a single 22 year old man who has been pretty lonely in life and lacking human connection. And part of what comes with that is the desire to be intimate with a person. I am very mature for my age and will always be respectful of your boundaries and feelings, especially with anything sexual. Lately all I have is myself when it comes to sexual desires, so I would like to have someone to keep company with in that regard too.
I'm just relaxing at work tonight as it's a slow day. Thinking about going home and burning a woodwick candle. I love candles! 🕯️ Sometimes a campfire outside on a fall night or a crackling WoodWick candle is a relaxing constant among our busy and hectic world. It's nice to just disconnect, feel grounded and happy in your own little cozy space. Feeling calm and collected and at peace. Something that fewer people take the time to do these days.
I am seeking a woman around my age or older to build a close connection with that could possibly lead to a something intimate which includes the possibility of teasing/sharing pics etc. but only when we were comfortable. Figured I would be open in my Intentions as that's the best way to be.
You:
Kind, respectful, and easy going.
Comfortable with the idea of eventually sharing intimate things together.
Willing to eventually move off of Reddit.
Want something genuine and fun!
Are honest in your intentions and a good person to be around!
That's about it, we will get along great I know it.
I've been feeling a little bummed out lately. I always try and stay happy and see the best in things. But.. I've just been so alone. Most of my whole childhood and adult years have been spent feeling lonely. I grew up surrounded by cornfields which was peaceful but also has a lonely aspect to it. My family never really were close and never did anything as a family really. And part of it too is the fact that I never had any neighbors my age to interact with. But aside from that, my adult life has been very lonely. I'm just always by myself. I barely have any meaningful adult relationships or experiences, or even any friends.
I work a 3-11 job in building maintenance at my company world headquarters building which I love, but again it's very lonely. I work the off shift so the building is always empty. I don't get normal social interaction with people my age or a chance to build relationships. I only have 3 older men as co-workers and we are mostly in the basement away from any people on the floors from knowing our existence. I always walk the floors and see office people laughing and chatting with their coworkers and I just don't have that kind of experience. And just.. no one knows I exist really. Everyone probably assumes I have a lot of friends, but I'm struggling inside with being so alone and trying to meet people and get past the "hi how are you?" "I'm good thanks" stage. Most people don't seem to want to talk beyond that. And most women are already in relationships and thus it would seem weird to approach them in an office setting trying to get to know them deeper. But man those "hi how are yous" are the only real interactions I get during my day.. so thus I decided to come here lol. Rant over, sorry! I promise I'm not a downer. 😅
Now for some things about me!
I am left handed which is pretty cool. I'm not much of a party person or a drinker, I much prefer a quiet night at home and maybe a beer or two on a weekend but that's about it. I am simple and stay out of drama and trouble and don't get much into politics or other things that cause drama with people. I much prefer a relaxing campfire and a night at home and to just let the world keep on turning haha. I consider myself pretty intelligent and mature, especially for my age which is why I'm open to older ladies.
Physically I'm 180 pounds, have brown hair, green eyes, and a typical build. There's a few pictures on my profile.
Some of my hobbies are:
• Photography
I have a Nikon D200 and D5500 that I love to shoot with. I love nature scenes, abstract, black and white/goth kinda photography, sunsets, etc. it's so fun to just let your mind explore. It's not about what camera you have, but those who are behind the camera!
• Cooking and baking
I loveeee to cook and bake! I enjoy making various meals but also love to just have a frozen pizza once in awhile or something like that. I recently made homemade chili which turned out great. I love to bake, especially in the fall! I love pies, cakes, pastries, cookies, etc. I restored a vintage KitchenAid mixer that needed tbe gearbox rebuilt. Eventually I would love to practice home canning my own food.
• Music
Oh my gosh, I like so much!! Alternative rock, punk, post punk, electronic, synth pop, psychedelic rock, hard rock, etc. I am very non judgemental and open when it comes to music. My three current favorite bands are Type O Negative, Joy Division, and the Cure.
• Nature walks and camping
I really enjoy camping, making fires, and relaxing by a campfire. I love to take walks outside and just enjoy the beauty and simplicity of nature. It's wonderful, especially in a world so focused on everything digital.
• Repairing things
I'm a maintenance guy and one of my hobbies is electronics repair so I am good with my hands and just all around good at troubleshooting and fixing all sorts of things around the house. Last week I helped my elderly neighbor get his tractor started, it needed a new component in the starting circuit. So I'm pretty handy which... Comes in handy! 😂
• Autumn 🍁
This isn't a hobby per say, but man do I love the fall!!! It's my absolute favorite time of the year. Oh my gosh. The beautiful colors, crisp cool air, misty and foggy days, rain, lack of bugs, being cuddled up with a candle or by the fire drinking a tea, etc. I love it! There's only two seasons for me. Fall, and waiting for fall! Haha.
• Scented Candles and incense
Going along with my love for fall, I absolutely love candles! I have like 30 something lol. 😂 Currently my favorite are WoodWick, which are owned by Yankee candle. They have such a soothing crackle and the scents are great! I also love to burn incense from time to time as well. I have cottagecore hippie vibes.
• Old houses and architecture
I love old houses! Especially 1900s and Victorian era homes. Old homes have so much character to them and are just so beautiful from a time when people took pride in their craft. I strongly dislike the modern cookie cutter cheap construction of homes today. I would love to live in an old home one day. I also love their architecture and uniqueness, as well as architecture of old cathedrals and other buildings.
• Relaxing
Basic I know, but sometimes on the weekend I just love to get cozy in bed and relax and put on a YouTube video or an album! 😊
That's about it for me, I'm a pretty laid back and simple person. My ideal person is someone who is respectful and honest! I am very straightforward and open minded and would hope that you are as well.
If I seem interesting to you at all I would love to hear from you!
Thank you so much for reading.

Hello. I recently lost my dog and am trying to think of things I can do that will soothe me, bring me closer to her. I am wondering what things you have done to try to become closer to your loved one, or to help get “through” it. I’ll share a few that I have done/am planning on doing:
I wrote her a letter.
I’ve tried to talk to her (incase spirits are real and she can hear me).
I am getting a memorial portrait tattoo of her on my arm with her birth month flowers around her.
I am getting a locket with her picture and hopefully a place for some ashes.
We have a vacation coming up in a few months and am thinking of taking her ashes with us.
I want to make a shadow box with her collar and dried birth month flowers.
One of her beds was a pillow, and I bagged up the pillowcase to save (not sure what I will do with it).
I’ve collected some of her fur from her other beds to leave in a bag (maybe put in the locket).
I keep watching videos of her and looking at pictures. I made an album of her on my phone. Those usually make me stop crying.
I’m looking into getting a custom stuffed animal of her. But I’m scared that it’s gonna not look like her enough, or it just be too much to see her when it isn’t really her.
Let me know what you have done to help with the pain.

I didn’t realize there was a community solely for pet loss, but I am glad I found it. I posted on a grief subreddit when I lost my everything Friday. Today is Monday. I had to go to work and continue on like nothing is wrong. I balled my eyes out on the way to work and when I drove back. It’s so hard to not feel horrible. I never had a lot of friends, never ventured outside the house, no after school activities. I was always home if I wasn’t at school or work. I didn’t work much in high school, and only worked my last year of college. I went to college during COVID and never went back, I managed to stay online for 2+ years. And even then, even after 14 years of sleeping together every night, of always being around her whenever I’m not obligated to work or school (the bare minimum, I never even took lunch breaks so I could get home by 330 every day), I still feel like I never spent enough time with her. I still feel like there was more I should have done. More time to spend, more love to show. I just can’t help but feel bad. I know I should be remembering the good memories, and maybe in time those will come, but I just feel like it was too soon. It would always be too soon, even if she lived to 30. And I just feel so empty. I’ll never see her again. Never hold her again. I got her when I was 10. I’m almost 24 now. I don’t really remember a life without her there. It feels so wrong to not take her out in the mornings when I get up, or when I come home, or before going to bed. It’s all I’ve ever known. It feels wrong not to care for her like I did. I know she’s gone but it feels like I’m abandoning her. I don’t want to get used to the “new normal”, my normal is her. I can’t stop crying once I’m alone. I just look at pictures and videos of her all day. I get such a horrible feeling once I remember she’s gone and she’s not coming back. It hurts in a way I’ve never know before. I never knew how much she meant to me before she was gone. We never did much together, she never liked to really play much, but we would always just sit beside each other. I never realized how much of an impact that had on me. I never realized how much I looked for her until now. I just really don’t know what to do or how to soothe myself. How to come to terms with it. I know she is okay now. I don’t know about the afterlife. Maybe she’s here, maybe she isn’t. I’m not sure which being true would make me feel better. But I do know I’ll never see her or cuddle her or care for her again. And thats enough to hurt more than anything. I’m still so young, I don’t want to go the rest of my life missing her. I have moments where I know she’s okay and it’s all okay. But I have moments where I’m just a wreck and I don’t want to live in a world without her. It’s just so painful. I thought knowing she’s no longer ill or in pain would help me. It should. But it still hurts to think she’s just gone. Just like that. Gone forever except in memory. I’m trying so hard to cope with it. I’m getting a tattoo of her. I’m getting a locket for her. I’m getting her ashes soon. I think I’ll make her a shadow box of all her things. But can that really help? I don’t know. Everywhere I turn to help, it just isn’t enough. She’s not here, and no matter what I do I can’t bring her back. Not that she deserves this cruel world. I just love her and miss her so much. There’s no point in finding joy in a world without her. I try to look fondly on her. But I always end back up in a rut. I don’t want to continue. I want to stay with her. I want last week back. I want a Groundhog Day with her. I know it should get better in time, but god damn this is the worst thing. I can’t believe people go through this.

There's a "dad joke" I heard that goes: My therapist told me to write out a big long rant letter to everyone I have a problem with, burn them all to ashes, and scatter the ashes into the wind. I did all that last weekend, but now I'm not sure what to do with the letters.
This post feels like that big, long rant, but I genuinely could really use some help/ideas beyond "go to marriage counseling." I provide so much to the family and household that isn't reciprocated, but trying to set boundaries to feel more balanced gets passive-aggressive and/or silent treatment. I'm not writing all this here just to vent, I've actually edited this down pretty significantly to summarize what I'm going through and giving some examples.
Thanks for giving me the space to share this.
Me (50/M), Wife (45/F), two kids 15 and 13. We have no family who live anywhere close to us. We're in the middle of America, her divorced parents are on the coast, and mine's in Canada where I'm originally from (in case my username didn't give that away).
TLDR at the bottom.
Trigger warnings: a ruined birthday, shared/not-shared finances, me losing my cool and walking out on my family and getting the silent treatment since, and apparently being the only parent/grown-up in the house.
To this family, I feel that all I am to them is the income/paycheck and personal chef, and I'm ready to walk away. My wife won't communicate, gets defensive and angry, and doesn't contribute to the marriage or teach our kids about responsibility, so I look like a jerk all the time. If I speak up and ask her to help, I'm treated like a jerk. If I don't speak up, she does nothing.
Background about physicality, work and finances
I work in tech, typically 50-70 hours per week, and take on occasional (< 5 hrs/week) contract work as a side business to pay for my 3D printing hobby that I'm also trying to turn into a side business. She works part-time maybe one full day of work throughout the week on an as-needed basis.
My job pays the benefits, and I've established a retirement fund for us, plus a 401K and Roth IRA, plus a 529 account for each of the kids that I've been investing in since they were born. I paid off both cars. We're debt-free except for our mortgage, and we have enough assets to pay off the house if we choose to.
We each have a bank account for ourselves, plus a joint bank account. Her part-time paychecks and other money from an inheritance, goes 100% into her account only, and I use my account for my 3D printing business to maintain an LLC. Just about everything financial is paid for from my paychecks. I've always treated this as "our" money. All bills, mortgage, memberships, subscriptions (Netflix, etc), things the kids need (clothing, shoes, school supplies, etc), furniture, medical bills, etc are all paid from a joint account that is funded 100% by my paycheck. She makes no contributions to this account, but she does withdraw from it for fast food, snacks she buys just for herself, her own crafting hobbies, and she'll pick up maybe $100/month for some groceries.
I promised her before we were even married that if she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom or, at any point, go back to work, she'd have my full support either way, and I've kept that promise. She worked full-time for about 2 years before we had kids and worked a fair bit of part-time work before the kids started school in 2013. She's been at her part-time job for 2 years, so quite a span where she didn't work at all.
She works as a 1099 contractor and, despite repeatedly being asked to, won't reserve money for tax time. So, not only does she spend 100% of her paycheck, but I have to be sure that we save enough to cover her tax bill every year. She's never offered to contribute to tax payments we have to make.
I had gallbladder surgery and bariatric surgery, so I've had pretty restrictive dietary needs for the past 5-6 years. She often made comments about me being heavy and having a shortened life span, but since my bariatric surgery, she's expressed resentment about my body changing (I lost 120+lbs) and now doesn't care to learn what kinds of protein/carb/fat balance I need, and gained about 80lbs herself. As such, she does not contribute to any meal planning, which means I'm doing 95% of all meal planning, groceries, and cooking.
When it comes to cooking, I'm a damn good cook, and it's 100% because of YouTube. She grew up in an environment where she wasn't encouraged to cook or even learn to, so she lived on PBJ through college until we started dating and I would cook or take her out. When the kids were in their "picky" stages of 4yrs-9yrs of age, she got frustrated with cooking but years later still holds to that "NOBODY likes what I cook". So she makes maybe 2 or 3 meals per month now, and it's always the same meals. Last night, she cooked 10 people's worth of macaroni with a single pound of ground beef and more than a pound of cheese. I had to pick out the meat to get my protein and then drink a protein shake afterward, and then got offended that I threw away the noodles/cheese. (My diet needs high protein, low carbs, and almost no fat, she knows this because I tell her quite often, but she won't do anything about it; she's bought maybe 3 shelves worth of cookbooks and won't even open them or go take a class or anything.)
Our oldest kid has shown an interest in cooking and will maybe cook one meal per week and ask me to help him out, so I share what I've learned, things I've tried, experimented with, lessons learned, etc., and we have a good time, and they really appreciate the learning opportunity. On the rare occasion I do see my wife making dinner in the kitchen, I show her that I'm really happy about what she's making and ask if she wants help chopping or anything and I only get "no" as an answer and completely shut down like I'm not supposed to be in the kitchen. I'll try to have conversation with her but then she can't concentrate on cooking, chopping, etc, and then "ruined" dinner is my fault.
"Her" money versus "our" money, and how we spend our days/weekends
My wife had a relative die quite a few years ago and in the fall of 2018 was given a $250k inheritance. She has always referred to this as "her" money, "her" retirement, in case "she" needs a nursing home later. I'm not in her future plans, apparently. She gave $50k of it to a cousin who was deliberately left out of that relative's will. My wife's will leaves any remaining inheritance money to the kids. No mention of me anywhere whatsoever.
Once the inheritance money hit her bank account, she decides to buy a horse from halfway across the country and put it in a boarding stable 20 minutes from the house. It was a childhood dream of hers. Apparently, she's allowed to pursue her dreams and interests, it's "her" money, I'm not allowed to tell her what to do with it, but she complains when my 3D printing business makes enough money to buy another printer to keep up with demand... And my hobby takes up less time per week than she spends at the barn.
When she's not working her one-day-a-week job, she's at the boarding stable for a few hours per day, playing with her horse, taking selfies, taking him on walks, not actually riding him. With her remaining time at home, and when she gets home with the kids, she's lying on the couch, acting worn out and tired like she just bench-pressed the friggin' horse. (And yes, I know horse training CAN be exhausting, but she's not doing anything exhausting with him. She literally walks him on a path, or walks him in circles in an arena enclosure, or she's brushing him down and bathing him to look nice for Instagram)
In the summer of 2018, right before she got this inheritance money, she spent $50k of "our" money on a kitchen renovation that she insisted she designs herself, and then felt guilty about the bill and me having to take on more side contracting work to pay off the HELOC in a reasonable amount of time, and contributed back $10k to the whole project from "her" money afterward. "Her" money paid for the kids' orthodontics, about $3k each. But she literally contributes NOTHING else financially to the family.
If I had to guess, she's got about $150k left of that inheritance money, maybe less, she won't ever tell me about it. And we don't get a notice from the bank about interest gained at tax time every year because she put it in an account that makes ZERO interest. She sees my investments with 25%-40% gains, but won't ever ask for my help or input. Instead, she asked 3 other guys at work who told her to at least get a Vanguard account, but almost 6 years later she's never done it.
I work full-time as mentioned, and work from home. Work is typically 50+ hours per week but I try to cap it at 60-ish if I can. For the past month I've been on a project with a tight deadline, and working more like 10-14 hours per day 6 days per week. It's like that in tech, she's been understanding of this in the past, and I'm sure to take jobs where this is NOT the norm. Still, I'm always happy to help drive the kids to/from school or to music lessons or doctors, but I'm usually treated like "how dare you," that's "her" job, like that's her contribution to everything.
She works a part-time job doing marketing. Maybe 2-3 hours a day, one or two days per week. Sometimes busier in Q1 as they prep/plan most of the year, but then very low-lift afterward. She spends maybe 40 minutes per day taking the kids to/from school. Other than that, she's at the barn or on the couch. (have I mentioned we've gone through several couches that "our" money pays for??)
The marital imbalance I'm dealing with
She won't enforce chores for the kids, remind them to do laundry, or clean their rooms, or even shower. She'll text me "one of the boys smells" after taking them to school, but won't insist they shower, or back me up on the whole "c'mon guys, brush twice a day at least, and shower at least every 2 days with actual some soap on your bodies and actual shampoo on your hair, and use deodorant..." She'll make remarks like "Didn't you wear and sleep in those clothes for the past 3 days?" but won't make them change, or tell them to do their laundry.
She might do dishes 2 to 3 times per month, it's normally a chore we give to the kids, but she never enforces it. If they stack up for 3 days she'll do some of them but not all of them. One kid was born on an odd-numbered day, the other on an even-numbered day, so the rule is if today is an even or odd day, we know whose turn it is to do the dishes. And if the month has an odd number of days, I do the dishes on the 31st/29th day. But they're teenagers, they'd rather be in their rooms being teenagers, so I have to constantly remind them. Neither of them checks that the dishes are even clean before putting them away, something she specifically called out being embarrassed about when we were dating and visiting her mom's house where half of the dishes in the cupboard still had dried food all over them.
And then garbage day, or yard work, or vacuuming, cleaning a bathroom, cleaning their room, shoveling snow. She doesn't help enforce ANY of the chores that we agreed on. So I'm the sole disciplinarian around here, which makes the kids grow up thinking they better avoid me or I'm the jerk who's gonna put them to work.
Nothing happens around here unless I ask the rest of the family. I've purposefully left chores undone for "that's almost a health hazard" amounts of time and still nobody takes the initiative, nor will she ask the kids to help. They all see the work needs to be done, but they won't choose to help, and they're probably learning from her example of just sitting in some other room/area of the house and someone else will do it someday.
Even asking them "what kind of meals do you want this week, what haven't we had in a while, what's your favorite meal," you'd swear I was asking them to cure cancer every Saturday so I could start to plan meals for the following week and get groceries on Sunday, which has been our routine since the kids could talk.
Their cop-out is to skip the 3 shelves of cookbooks and flip through a binder we kept from a few months of Hello Fresh meals but then it's the same 10-12 meals that get kinda old after a while.
I feel like I have no help from anyone.
I reached my tipping point, and recently walked out on my family
A little over three weeks ago, I'm on this tight deadline at work, getting maybe 3-4 hours of sleep at night, pulling 10-14 hour days. It's a Wednesday, I remember about 430pm that I should commit my code, as I usually do 'cause I need to make dinner because nobody else is gonna do it. Oh, wait, tonight was grilled cheese and tomato soup -- literally, ANYONE ELSE in the house, including our 13yr old who has never shown any interest in cooking, could heat a can of soup and melt cheese between bread, right??? Surely SOMOENE else in the family will handle dinner, so I keep working (note, without asking anyone else to help with dinner), hoping someone else will handle the meal. (and yes, I know this is typically against my diet, but I indulge in this low-protein, high-carb, higher-fat meal about once a month.)
At 730pm my wife comes STOMPING into my office area, "I can't make the grilled cheese like you do." No politeness, just turns and stomps back to the kitchen. I follow her to the kitchen, where the tomato soup is on a RAPID boil, yet she hasn't even started making the grilled cheese sandwiches. I turn the soup off, take it off the burner, and start to describe what to do for the grilled cheese. It's honestly nothing special; I put shredded cheese in the pan to get crusty on the outside of the bread, then stack up the the grilled cheese, put break on top, let the inner cheese melt, and flip it onto more shredded cheese. Highly recommended.
She says "Oh" and ... LEAVES THE KITCHEN, leaving me there expecting me to make dinner... and I'm pissed. I should have just gone back to my work area, but she parks herself back on the couch.
I get everything made, and of course nobody sets the table, ever. Now I'm seriously pissed off, so I slam some dishes in the middle of the table and go back into the kitchen to get the pot of soup and plate of sandwiches. I get back to the dinner table, where my wife and youngest are just standing there, STILL not setting the table despite me standing there with food that I can't even put down. So I drop the food on the table wherever I can, soup splashes everywhere, and I start setting the table while they stand there and watch and ... I lost my cool. I flung bowls and spoons in the general area where they're supposed to be at the table, and I walked out of the house. I returned 4 or 5 hours later once they were all in bed.
The ONE meal in my busy schedule that ANY of them could have made, and her contribution was putting a can of soup in a pot.
She still didn't make any meals for the rest of the week. That Sunday she put a meal plan together for the whole following week. Again, all super carb-heavy when she knows my own diet can't handle that. And then she stopped planning ANYTHING ELSE SINCE THEN. The following week's "meal plan" was just a list of who was home on which night because of end-of-school-year events going on. No meals, no grocery list. Meanwhile I'm still on my deadline... Last week, no help at all. This week, zero help.
So this week's meal plan I finally set a boundary for myself that was VERY clear to them: I'm planning to cook 3 meals for the whole week, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and left the rest open with no meal planned. Last night at 6pm she made her "hamburger helper" and plans "ramen" for tomorrow (again, all noodles and broth, very little protein), but no other help from her for the rest of the meal plan for the remainder of the week.
My recently ruined 50th birthday
My birthday was a little over a week ago. I turned 50. Send me your favorite dad jokes, please, I beg of you.
My wife asked me 2 or 3 months ago if I wanted any kind of party, etc. to which I said yeah, I'd love to have a few friends over, named several of them, all of whom she either has in her phone, or are guys married to women that I know she stays in regular contact with. I mentioned some all-you-can-eat places that we could go, just the 4 of us, where I could pick out good proteins etc. and they could eat whatever they wanted.
I got nothing. No dinner out. No party. No friends.
The night before my birthday, she was too lazy to get off the couch, so I went to bed alone. I woke up in bed alone. I told the family the day before that I wanted French Toast for breakfast, normally something we'd do on Christmas Day, but it was my 50th birthday gosh darn it, and I was even thawing bacon. I even bought all the groceries needed. Nope, had to cook that alone too, so I only made enough for me, and ate alone. Showered alone, 'cause we haven't been intimate in ... 3 months? 4 months? And who cares that it's my birthday.
Nobody asked if I wanted to go out anywhere, go see a movie, go for a hike with the dog, nothing. So I went out with the dog, alone.
That night I had to make dinner for the family, again, on my own friggin' birthday. Alone in the kitchen. AND I had to remind the kids to clean up the kitchen afterward 'cause they won't do it unless they're told. She bought tiny pieces of cheesecake for dessert, which she knows I don't like and can't eat because of my diet. I had one tiny piece, she and the kids ate the rest.
No cake, no candle, no balloons. It was my FIFTIETH birthday ...
We have some serious communication breakdown going on
Since I walked out of the house a few weeks back, she only talks to me when she wants something, and that comes across more as a demand, "I need you to pick the kids up from school, I have to be at work" and walks away She won't say good morning or even hi, unless I say it first. Lately, I say "hi" or "hey" as we're passing in the house and I get no response at all. I get literal one-word responses when I ask her a question. A few nights ago, several nights in a row, I'm in the living room on my laptop trying to get more work done, she'll come in the room, not ask me what I'm doing or if I'm working, and blast a TV show on her phone at near-maximum volume, and fall asleep on the couch.
She gets mad and offended any time I offer constructive criticism of any kind. And it doesn't matter how delicately I try to phrase things, I'll agonize for days over exactly which words to use, she'll get super defensive, angry and lash out, and give me the silent treatment for weeks.
Last Tuesday was an end-of-year awards show for our youngest, who's finishing 8th grade. He's really into music and he stayed after school to practice for the event. She comes home to get ready then decides to leave for the event by herself. I only noticed when the garage opened and closed. She doesn't say anything to me or our oldest kid about what time she wanted to leave or if we're ready to go, she just ... left. Well of COURSE we both want to go, but now we have to drive there separately. And he wins a TON of awards, one from his classmates, one from his teacher, and one from the school. I'd have been PISSED to have missed that. "Oh, I thought you didn't want to go..." was her reason later.
This past Saturday, I do ALL the yardwork 'cause she won't tell the kids to help and I'm frankly tired of having to ask for help. A few hours of yard work later, I tell my youngest to vacuum 'cause nobody vacuums around here unless I tell them to and honestly it's gross. I hop in the shower to clean up and cool down from the yard work. Youngest decides it's "too hot in the house" and sits in the kitchen to eat a popsicle instead of vacuuming. No backup from my wife at all on this, who's still parked on the couch. So I get upset with him, he does a half-assed job, says he's "tired' (from watching YouTube all day) and goes back to his room and we don't see him again the rest of the day. Again, no help or backup from my wife.
It's now 7pm in the house Saturday night, and -- shocker -- NOBODY has bothered to even ASK about dinner much less put any kind of food together. 8pm rolls around and my oldest finally emerges from his own room, starts thawing some chicken, and comes to ask me for help to make a meal, which I happily do. Until I get grumbly comments about "why are we eating so late." And my wife makes her way back to the couch. Not so much as a "thanks for cooking" or offer to clean up. And of COURSE nobody is doing the dishes, because DAD didn't remind anyone.
WHAT DO I DO??
19 years ago when we got married, this felt like a marriage. We did stuff together, we split things evenly, shared responsibility and chores, we both cooked, we bought groceries together. The first few years with kids were rough, but it at least FELT like a partnership once we figured out how to be parents. But something has shifted over the past decade, and this feels less and less like a partnership, much less feeling like a marriage. This whole relationship feels very one-sided, I get no appreciation for any of my constant hard work and being a provider. Instead, she's accused me, twice, of having an affair, once to the point of giving me anxiety/panic attacks for which I was almost hospitalized.
Now, she and the kids are noticing and talking behind my back (like I can't hear them) about the fact that I'm not wearing my wedding band anymore. Of course, the kids won't ask me directly, and I'm not bringing it up myself, and my wife's not talking to me anyway. Maybe she's still mad that I got mad a few weeks ago and walked out? Hard to know when the person won't talk to you unless they want something from you.
I'll put the damn ring back on when it feels like a marriage again. But then the next time it comes off, I think it'll stay off.
TL;DR! To this family, I feel that all I am to them is the income/paycheck and personal chef, and I'm ready to walk away. I can see why parents stay together "for the kids." As with most marriages, it started great; we've had bumpy times, but we always got through it together. Nothing like this, though. My wife won't communicate, gets defensive and angry, and doesn't contribute to the marriage or teach our kids about responsibility, so I look like a jerk all the time. Something has shifted over the past decade, and this feels less and less like a partnership. This whole relationship feels very one-sided, I get no appreciation for any of my constant hard work and being a provider.

Aelric held out his hand and slowly turned it over. Something was wrong.
He still wore his armor, but the burnished plate was somehow translucent, pale blue and luminous, like looking through stained glass. Was this a dream?
Corpses littered the field, their armor gleaming softly in the moonlight, golden tunics stained with blood. Countless spears, swords and shattered shields lay where they were lost in battle. Horses made large mounds where they had fallen. What is this?
Aelric’s eyes froze on a large figure in dark plate resting on his knees not ten feet away. No, not resting, pinned to the ground by a large ballista bolt that transfixed the knight’s chest. He knew that armor, Cressian steel inlaid with gold etching across the shoulders and chest and down the arms. Red seeped down from the jagged hole torn into his brother’s armor just below the left collarbone, staining the fancy inlay and dripping from the tip of a gauntleted finger.
No. He willed himself to wake, to open his eyes in his bed at his father’s keep. Yes, home, he wanted to go home.
Aelric took a step. The blood-soaked battlefield blurred, and he stood in the middle of a wheat field with the wind brushing through the tall golden stalks, swaying them gently. He still wore his armor. It was still made of stained glass.
He recognized this place, a farm near the castle worked by one of his father’s vassals. He was nearly home. I wonder if Garen might fancy a hunt tomorrow. The air was good for it, and the game was aplenty.
He walked through the field, hands outstretched to caress the tall stalks. A good year, a fine bounty come harvest. Which, judging by the wheat's color and height, was no more than a week away. How had he come to be here? He was supposed to be somewhere else, somewhere important. He tried to focus, but the thought slipped away. Where was his brother? This was all wrong.
“Father?” He turned a slow circle, searching the field for some sign of his kin. He wasn’t supposed to be here. This was wrong. Home. I need to go home.
He took a step, and the castle loomed before him. The fields were burning. The town below it stood in ashes. Smoke choked the air, and embers swirled in the night sky to join the stars. The castle was ablaze, towers and turrets lit like candles in the night. The gate hung shattered with hungry flames snapping and licking over the heavy oak.
No. This can’t be.
A shaft of light flared in the sky, boring through the darkness and the smoke to engulf Aelric in an aura of pure, dazzling white.
“Come, child,” a deep, resonant voice sang to him. Soothed him. “Your time here is done.”
“Father?” he said to the voice, his confusion melting away along with the scene around him. “I’m coming home.”
“Yes.”

Why did the farmer drive his tractor to the pharmacy? He wanted to visit the farm-assist!
Hi and welcome to my post! Wanted to start off with a funny to me dad joke.
Nice to meet you, I'm Dylan! To put it simple, I am a single 22 year old man who has been pretty lonely in life and lacking human connection. And part of what comes with that is the desire to be intimate with a person. I am very mature for my age and will always be respectful of your boundaries and feelings, especially with anything sexual. Lately all I have is myself when it comes to sexual desires, so I would like to have someone to keep company with in that regard too.
I'm just relaxing at work and thinking about going home and burning a woodwick candle. I love candles! 🕯️ Sometimes a campfire outside on a fall night or a crackling WoodWick candle is a relaxing constant among our busy and hectic world. It's nice to just disconnect, feel grounded and happy in your own little cozy space. Feeling calm and collected and at peace. Something that fewer people take the time to do these days.
I am seeking someone to build a close connection with that could possibly lead to a something intimate which includes the possibility of teasing/sharing pics etc. but only when we were comfortable. Figured I would be open in my Intentions as that's the best way to be.
You:
Kind, respectful, and easy going.
Comfortable with the idea of eventually sharing intimate things together.
Willing to eventually move off of Reddit.
Want something genuine and fun!
Are honest in your intentions and a good person to be around!
That's about it, we will get along great I know it.
I've been feeling a little bummed out lately. I always try and stay happy and see the best in things. But.. I've just been so alone. Most of my whole childhood and adult years have been spent feeling lonely. I grew up surrounded by cornfields which was peaceful but also has a lonely aspect to it. My family never really were close and never did anything as a family really. And part of it too is the fact that I never had any neighbors my age to interact with. But aside from that, my adult life has been very lonely. I'm just always by myself. I barely have any meaningful adult relationships or experiences, or even any friends.
I work a 3-11 job in building maintenance at my company world headquarters building which I love, but again it's very lonely. I work the off shift so the building is always empty. I don't get normal social interaction with people my age or a chance to build relationships. I only have 3 older men as co-workers and we are mostly in the basement away from any people on the floors from knowing our existence. I always walk the floors and see office people laughing and chatting with their coworkers and I just don't have that kind of experience. And just.. no one knows I exist really. Everyone probably assumes I have a lot of friends, but I'm struggling inside with being so alone and trying to meet people and get past the "hi how are you?" "I'm good thanks" stage. Most people don't seem to want to talk beyond that. And most women are already in relationships and thus it would seem weird to approach them in an office setting trying to get to know them deeper. But man those "hi how are yous" are the only real interactions I get during my day.. so thus I decided to come here lol. Rant over, sorry! I promise I'm not a downer. 😅
Now for some things about me!
I am left handed which is pretty cool. I'm not much of a party person or a drinker, I much prefer a quiet night at home and maybe a beer or two on a weekend but that's about it. I am simple and stay out of drama and trouble and don't get much into politics or other things that cause drama with people. I much prefer a relaxing campfire and a night at home and to just let the world keep on turning haha. I consider myself pretty intelligent and mature.
Physically I'm 180 pounds, have brown hair, green eyes, and a typical build. There's a few pictures on my profile.
Some of my hobbies are:
• Photography
I have a Nikon D200 and D5500 that I love to shoot with. I love nature scenes, abstract, black and white/goth kinda photography, sunsets, etc. it's so fun to just let your mind explore. It's not about what camera you have, but those who are behind the camera!
• Cooking and baking
I loveeee to cook and bake! I enjoy making various meals but also love to just have a frozen pizza once in awhile or something like that. I recently made homemade chili which turned out great. I love to bake, especially in the fall! I love pies, cakes, pastries, cookies, etc. I restored a vintage KitchenAid mixer that needed tbe gearbox rebuilt. Eventually I would love to practice home canning my own food.
• Music
Oh my gosh, I like so much!! Alternative rock, punk, post punk, electronic, synth pop, psychedelic rock, hard rock, etc. I am very non judgemental and open when it comes to music. My three current favorite bands are Type O Negative, Joy Division, and the Cure.
• Nature walks and camping
I really enjoy camping, making fires, and relaxing by a campfire. I love to take walks outside and just enjoy the beauty and simplicity of nature. It's wonderful, especially in a world so focused on everything digital.
• Repairing things
I'm a maintenance guy and one of my hobbies is electronics repair so I am good with my hands and just all around good at troubleshooting and fixing all sorts of things around the house. Last week I helped my elderly neighbor get his tractor started, it needed a new component in the starting circuit. So I'm pretty handy which... Comes in handy! 😂
• Autumn 🍁
This isn't a hobby per say, but man do I love the fall!!! It's my absolute favorite time of the year. Oh my gosh. The beautiful colors, crisp cool air, misty and foggy days, rain, lack of bugs, being cuddled up with a candle or by the fire drinking a tea, etc. I love it! There's only two seasons for me. Fall, and waiting for fall! Haha.
• Scented Candles and incense
Going along with my love for fall, I absolutely love candles! I have like 30 something lol. 😂 Currently my favorite are WoodWick, which are owned by Yankee candle. They have such a soothing crackle and the scents are great! I also love to burn incense from time to time as well. I have cottagecore hippie vibes.
• Old houses and architecture
I love old houses! Especially 1900s and Victorian era homes. Old homes have so much character to them and are just so beautiful from a time when people took pride in their craft. I strongly dislike the modern cookie cutter cheap construction of homes today. I would love to live in an old home one day. I also love their architecture and uniqueness, as well as architecture of old cathedrals and other buildings.
• Relaxing
Basic I know, but sometimes on the weekend I just love to get cozy in bed and relax and put on a YouTube video or an album! 😊
That's about it for me, I'm a pretty laid back and simple person. My ideal person is someone who is respectful and honest! I am very straightforward and open minded and would hope that you are as well.
If I seem interesting to you at all I would love to hear from you!
Thank you so much for reading.

Barron, Laird. “Vastation,” The Beautiful Thing that Awaits Us All and Other Stories (Night Shade Books, 2013)
“He had still been Randolph Carter, a fixed point in the dimensional seething. Now, beyond the Ultimate Gateway, he realised in a moment of consuming fright that he was not one person, but many persons.”
“There were “Carters” in settings belonging to every known and suspected age of earth’s history, and to remoter ages of earthly entity transcending knowledge, suspicion, and credibility. “Carters” of forms both human and non-human, vertebrate and invertebrate, conscious and mindless, animal and vegetable. And more, there were “Carters” having nothing in common with earthly life, but moving outrageously amidst backgrounds of other planets and systems and galaxies and cosmic continua.”
“No death, no doom, no anguish can arouse the surpassing despair which flows from a loss of identity. Merging with nothingness is peaceful oblivion; but to be aware of existence and yet to know that one is no longer a definite being distinguished from other beings—that one no longer has a self—that is the nameless summit of agony and dread.”
H. P. Lovecraft – “The Gates of the Silver Key”
Preface:
When I volunteered to do a write-up for our year-long Laird Barron reading, Greg casually mentioned –slyly, one might say– that he had been planning to cover “Vastation” and would I like a crack at it instead? “Sure,” I said. “I like a challenge, why not?” My wife has left me. No one comes to visit me in this place where I have been taken. Even the rats and fleas, so ubiquitous in the rest of the institution, give my cell a wide berth. They know something is wrong. My thoughts spiral; I write in circles. It is possible that in a previous life I was a detective attempting to construct a timeline from a serial killer’s wall of thumbtacks and string. I will have my revenge on Greg.
Another Preface:
“Vastation” is actually a very straightforward story. You only need to familiarize yourself with the works of H. P. Lovecraft, read a little weird fiction literary theory, and stumble across an old interview between Laird and Greg. “Vastation” is what you get when you bludgeon Lovecraft’s stories over the head and throw their remains down a deep well into the Laird Barron cosmos. To crudely rearrange a few of Laird’s thoughts from the above-mentioned interview:
“Time is a ring… the universe is dirty… it’s all about stomach acids and semen and blood and effluvia… there’s even theories that it’s a cellular structure. [I]f you can get to the edge of the universe… If you were able to travel in your physical form, like superman, out to not the edge of the universe but the edge of all creation… you would cease to exist because there’s no room for you to exist there.”1
You drop Randolph Carter’s, “moment of consuming fright,” his epiphany at the end of everything that he is all living things, into Laird’s vision of an unending, hungering, ouroboros of time and space, and we have the premise of “Vastation.”
Two more points.

1. In reading many, but not all, of Lovecraft’s stories alluded to in, “Vastation,” I have learned that old Howie loved to write about characters living through the ages, living multiple lives, and taking numerous identities. The most prominent after, “The Gates of the Silver Key,” would be “The Case of Charles Dexter Ward.” Attention should also be paid to “The Whisperer in Darkness,” because it is the first appearance of the Mi-Go, who I believe to be the inspiration for Laird’s Pod People. 

2. The author and critic John Clute wrote a wonderful piece on the concept of vastation in regards to literary horror. He defines it, in part, as, “… a laying waste to a land or a psyche; a physical or psychological devastation; desolation… the even more disintegrative moment when the accidents of goodness are shaved mercilessly from the unsalvageable central core of the wicked.” In other words, vastation is when the illusory fabric of reality is pulled out from under the feet of the protagonist or narrator, exposing the absolute horrors beneath. In most horror or weird fiction stories vastation occurs gradually throughout the text or once at the climax. In “Vastation,” it happens endlessly. 

Summary and analysis:
“Vastation” is, as Laird once put it, “a “6000-word monologue from an unutterably mad superhuman” (UMS). Like Randolph Carter, he—and UMS does think of him/itself as a he, more on that later—knows that in some impossible sense he is all people, all living beings, throughout all of creation. He lives countless lives. He knows the future and the past, albeit imperfectly. He knows how to jump his consciousness from one body to another, how to travel time, how to manipulate biology on a molecular level. His knowledge and powers and nearly godlike. In death, in sleep, or simply by staring into his own left “freakish eyeball,” he visits the infernal blackhole known as Ur-Nyctos, the “the quaking mass at the center of everything,” and “portal to the blackest of hells.” There, he shatters into quantum nothingness before reconstituting somewhere else along the ring, and he knows it will never stop. World without end, lives without end, vastations without end.
Things get darker. Completely insane, UMS spends eternity killing himself, killing his friends, getting killed by his friends, and participating in the occasional apocalypse, all the while somewhat aware he is everyone he has ever killed and everyone who will ever kill him. Every turn of the ring is the same story from a different angle, like UMS riding a train at night, looking at his reflection in the dark window.
“Vastation” begins with the answer to an impossible question. Where does the story of someone unshackled from cause and effect, imprisoned in an eternally looping cosmos, start? How did UMS become the unutterably mad superhuman? Laird throws so many red herrings at us. Does the story begin in Chicago, when UMS dies at the hands of his personal Judas, Pontius Sacrus? Or in Crete, when he claims to have been a mere flea, or human, and beholds Ur-Nyctos through the keyhole in the potter’s hidden room (shout out to “Jaws of Saturn”)? Or when he abandons his distant-future body to be taken over by the Pod People? None of these moments contain UMS’s origin because they have happened before and will happen again ad infinitum. In “Vastation,” there are no first times. Laird solves this paradox by burying a plot point from “The Gates of the Silver Key” in the first words of “Vastation.”
“When I was six, I discovered a terrible truth; I was the only human being on the planet.” Notice, UMS did not say, “when I was six years old.” I spent weeks wondering what that meant. Then I noticed that Laird twice calls time traveling “tripping back.” It seemed oddly specific and turned out to be a phrase from “The Gates of the Silver Key,” in which, after Randolph Carter experiences the Zen-through-cosmic-horror epiphany I quoted at the top of this write-up, he beseeches Yog-Sothoth—because of course Yog-Sothoth makes an appearance— for even greater forbidden knowledge. Yog-Sothoth tells Carter, “what you wish, I have found good; and I am ready to grant that which I have granted eleven times only to beings of your planet—five times only to those you call men, or those resembling them.”
Five men, making Carter the sixth human, or sixth being resembling a human. “When I was six, I discovered…” The previous five are Pontiff Sacrus and UMS’s other friends.
About Pontiff Sacrus, I also spent an embarrassing amount of time obsessing over him. It may be of interest to know that high priests of ancient Rome were known as the College of Pontiffs, that the most prestigious position in the college was held by the Rex Sacrorum, that Ted is short for Edward, and that Edward Hutchinson is a necromancer who lives many lives and a significant character in “The Case of Charles Dexter Ward.”
By the way, the other time Laird stamps his foot and stares pointedly at the reader is when he employs the term “essential saltes.” It’s from “Charles Dexter Ward,” which begins with the following quote:
“The essential Saltes of Animals may be so prepared and preserved, that an ingenious Man may have the whole Ark of Noah in his own Studie, and raise the fine Shape of an Animal out of its Ashes at his Pleasure; and by the lyke Method from the essential Saltes of humane Dust, a Philosopher may, without any criminal Necromancy, call up the Shape of any dead Ancestour from the Dust whereinto his Bodie has been incinerated.”
So, UMS is damned to eternal life and eternal vastation. He, understandably, is insane. He whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. Denials, contradictions, and possibly flat-out lies fill his monologue. Again, it’s in the first sentence. “I was the only human being on the planet.” He has to tell himself this. The knowledge of what he always will be, what he always has done, what he always will do., is too terrible for him to bear. He denies his infinite identities with the solipsist problem of other minds. He cannot be other people because other people are fungible, mere cheap Xerox’s, fleas; he is the only real McCoy. This is especially true of women—I said we would return to gender. While humanity in general is “grist for the mill,” women are either mentioned in passing or, in the case of UMS’s wives, described as inhuman automatons.
Think about it. Even though, on an infinite loop, he has done everything, been every human, has been/will be Beyoncé releasing her country album, Joan of Arc leading her men into battle, Martha Stewart receiving her sentence, and Bathory forcing some girl—who is also him—to kick stars, UMS never describes a single life he has spent as a woman. I think this is UMS grasping at an identity. It’s not that he necessarily hates women more than any other aspect of his universal selves so much as he is clinging to his gender as a self-defense mechanism. He is an individual because he flirts with Macedonian honeys. He is himself and not the wives he is tired of fucking, who are artificial anyway, even as they react to him with the very human responses of fear and suicide.2
Returning to the big picture, UMS’s cosmic gender identity issues are just the micro in the macro. Every timeline, every epoch, in “Vastation” is a story of committing murder to avoid forbidden knowledge. UMS’s wife kills herself rather than spend another night next to him as he dreams of Ur-Nyctos. UMS kills the potter before he can finish explaining how his wheel-device works—get it? — and then kills iteration after iteration of himself before he discovers the bloody peephole in the potter’s hidden chamber. He’s accused of witchcraft and imprisoned in a different well where he cannot share his knowledge of the past or future with anyone except other aspects of himself who mock him from the mouth of his prison. He reveals nanotech and genetic engendering to humanity, then commits global genocide to erase this knowledge. Again and again, UMS tries to keep humanity and himself from forbidden knowledge he cannot escape, murderously, scrambling back from the edges of vastation, forever failing.
There’s so much more. Any person who doesn’t miss the days when he went to sleep at a reasonable hour could write a dissertation on “Vastation.” I haven’t even TOUCHED most of the Lovecraft Easter eggs I found. I had a blast working on this, but this is me holding my gloves up and yelling, “no mas, no mass.” I’m going to bed.
Discussion:

1. Gordon van Gelder famously told Laird that he had bought “Shiva, Open Your Eye” (Laird’s first professional sale) because he wanted to see what Laird would do next. Ten years later, Vastation saw publication in Cthulhu’s Reign and has been called something of a reincarnation of “Shiva.” What similarities do we see? 

   1. I suspect, but could not find enough support in the texts, that UMS’s ascendancy into superhuman status, or his visits to Ur-Nyctos—if there is a difference—is what awakens the Old Ones, drawing their attention to pitiful humanity. He does seem to do his best to avoid them. Thoughts?
   2. If anyone has any thoughts about what Laird was referencing when UMS pushes his best friend off a bridge I would love to hear it.
   3. Does Laird deny UMS a name because he is everyone?
   4. “After I made me, I crushed the mold under my heel.” That’s some sort of pun about the fungal Pod People, right?
   Footnotes / references
   
2. from an interview between Greg and Laird which took place on June 23, 2021.
   “There was one theory, if you can get to the edge of the universe, somehow get to the leading, bleeding edge of reality, it’s actually, it would compress you to, basically it would get narrower and narrower. You would get flattened. If you were able to travel in your physical form, like superman, out to not the edge of the universe but the edge of all creation, it acts just like a blade… you would cease to exist because there’s no room for you to exist there.
   And that was one theory. But the other theory was--you know how a fountain works? You’ve got a base of water and it shoots up, and it looks like a different stream of water coming out of the angel’s mouth, but it’s just the water cycling. It’s the same water going through. That was another theory about the universe. It is constantly going through itself. If you recycle the water through the fountain, or you pull a slinky through itself, or a sock, it just constantly turns into itself over and over again.
   …maybe it’s not always 100% the same, because the slinky moves left or right a few millimeters. Unless you have it on a machine going through the same exact angle at the same speed, possibly there’s: this time it went through like this; maybe it wobbled a little bit. That’s how we could get the idea of free will. That determinism vs. you can have a little control over your destiny…
   Time is a ring… the universe is dirty. Look at the processes of all--there could be life forms out there that are very clean and just made of light and music…[b]ut generally speaking, it’s all about stomach acids and semen and blood and effluvia and all this stuff. So I was like alright, it’s an organic--the universe is very organic. There’s even theories that it’s a cellular structure.”
   
   1. Anyone interested in this type of analysis might want to check out Julia Kristeva’s theory of the abject.

Background
Dances With Dirt - Gnaw Bone is a long running race series in Brown County State Park in central Indiana, known for various amounts of mud. There are options for pretty much all distances from what they dub as the "hardest 5k in the world" to a 50M. At the ultra distances, they give you the option of dropping down to the 50k during the race, if you happened to underestimate the course.
While I live in Austin now, I went to grad school in Bloomington and have a good friend there whom I've coaxed into pacing a few of my 100 mile attempts. I saw this as a great chance to revisit Bloomington and get him to do his first ultra.
The trails in central Indiana also happen to be really nice - soft single track with nice forest coverage, a big departure from the crushed limestone and sweltering heat in Austin. Having done the 50 mile distance a few times in the past on the 100 mile attempts, I hoped this would be a good chance to get a solid 50M finish.
Training
Training leading up to the race was generally good - a solid base block, followed by strength, and finishing with endurance. The only hiccup was that I underestimated the family demands during the spring - kids' activities kicked into high gear and temps crept into the mid 90s, making weekend long runs a little challenging.
Regardless, with the strong early blocks I felt comfortable going into the race, albeit maybe slightly undertrained (which is fine, given that I've overtrained before and know that effect of that). The course is hilly (3,700 ft, mostly in 200-300 ft increments), so hill repeats in Austin were key to my strength and endurance blocks, which definitely paid off.
The week before the race was a mix of rain and sun, ensuring the course would be in "prime" condition.
The Mud Fest
The first (and last) four miles of the race are the most difficult and what gives the race it's muddy reputation. After a short jaunt over a river and through a field, we started the gradual climb up the to the aptly named Slime Top. The entire climb consisted of ankle to shin deep mud. As anyone who's done courses with water knows, there's always that point where you make the conscious decision to stop rock hopping and just get wet. There was no choice here, we just got wet and muddy.
It's also probably worth noting that any pace goals went out the window at this point.
The conga line snaked up to the top of the ridge and spread out on muddy horse trails to the first aid station in a campground (all the aid stations are in parks or campgrounds - how many ultras have real bathrooms?). A short road run got us back to the trails and heading down to the low point, at Ogle Lake.
I'll pause for a moment here and just reflect on how beautiful the forest is in the morning. It was misty, with sun rays cutting through the trees and glistening off the dew on the ferns. Ogle lake was covered in mist and the water just faded into it, as if in a partially completed painting. It was magical.
The next few sections were hiking trails with some muddy sections - very runnable and just a great time. My friend set the pace for most of the race, I thought about pushing it a bit early on and am glad I resisted the urge. At one of the aid stations, we got talking to someone who knew the course and he mentioned something about bushwhacking. We soon learned what he meant.
The course crossed a road and dropped into an area without official trails. Instead, the race organizers carved out a new trail, descending down a heavily vegetated hillside into a creek bed. Log and creek crossings dominated until we ascended out of the ravine - a few hundred feet straight up a leaf covered slope.
I still have no idea how I managed to come out of that scape and tick free. Needless to say, this was another section that took everyone's paces down a notch and was the point where I decided I had got the full value from the course and that a 50k finish would be just fine (I really didn't want to do that climb again 20 miles later).
Next, we followed mountain bike trails as they undulated just below the ridge line. My friend was feeling a little better than I was, and asked if he take of on his own. I had struggled early on with hydration and had just got it back under control, so I had no problem taking a different pace.
After the mountain bike trails, we had a mile or so of road through a campground (with a much appreciated bathroom). After the soft trails, the road hit the muscles hard and made me long for the mud.
At the next aid station, I let them know I was moving down to the 50k and started off on the final four miles back through the mud. With the hydration issues behind me, I was feeling good on this section. Navigating the mud was a mix of trusting that puddles weren't too deep and finding the exposed rock from the runoff. It wasn't fast, but it was fun.
The final descent is better described as sliding than running - a mile or so of steep mud where you just had to go for it. About half way down, a runner blew past me, leaping and bounding and slipping and sliding with reckless abandon (turns out he was doing the relay - team laps on the muddy section). Watching his "technique" gave me some confidence to push it a bit more and just go for it.
The final adventure is a slight deviation from the start. Instead of crossing a bridge, the course follows the river for a few hundred yards. Let me clarify "follows": it's in the river, not a trail on the side of it. I'll be honest, it'd be great if every race ended that way - the cold water on my feet and legs was exactly what I needed. Of course, getting out of the river required climbing a short, muddy slope, so any hopes of finishing mud free were dashed.
Finish and Takeaways
While not finishing the 50M or anywhere near my target pace, I still managed a first: a top three finish in my age group (yes, there were more than 3 people in the group :) ).
As for mud, I estimate we had 8-10 miles of various depths.
My only real misstep was getting behind on water early on. Without the constant heat of Texas, I tend to forget to drink enough, even while using Tailwind as my main nutrition. That slowed me down and took the middle of the race to recover from. I'm glad I had the presence of mind to catch what was going on and down an extra liter at an aid station. The first time I peed was around mile 24.
I got into ultras later in life (I'm a guy over 50, 6 years into my ultra adventure) and love challenging courses. I've done hard attempts in the Rockies and hot races in Texas, but nothing quite prepared me for the MUD in Indiana. It was truly a new and fun challenge.

I purchased my first AirBNB 3 weeks ago and it’s been rented nearly every day since. I’ve only had 2 guests prior to my current guest but they’ve been 1+ week stays. Of the 2 guests, both indicated they loved the cabin and one left a glowing 5 star review. Upon cleaning, we noticed the guest broke the oven handle so we ordered a new one and notified the upcoming guest that the oven is operational but the handle is broken - just to show clear communication and set expectations. I also left flowers in the cabin along with a hand-written note welcoming them.
On Saturday a new guest checked in fairly late, maybe 7pm. On Sunday morning I received a message saying they were upset because the hot tub didn’t appear clean, along with a couple pictures. Honestly, it simply looks like residue from it sitting empty for 3 days (the day of checkout for the last guest when it got emptied in the morning, the next day, and then Saturday when they arrived late and didn’t use it). Either way, I immediately apologized and had the cleaner there in less than an hour to fully empty and care for the hot tub. While the cleaner was there she asked if there was anything else needed and they said “no, everything was great”.
Moments after the cleaner left I got a text from the guest saying:
“I retired from property management. I’ll clean the stove, it’s self cleaning but the person broke the stove handle in half. Im using the broiler to cook. The grill has had a rough go and it might be better to just have the owner pitch it because it has not been cleaned very much. The table outside I scrubbed it off. Im going to try and dump the water from the outside trash cans from all the rain but you have to lift them up vs opening a side door. the garbage hauler left the lid up and the actual lids are underneath the cans and it’s kinda awkward. There is no body soap coming from the downstairs dispenser. No worries we have soap. Side note I was surprised the front porch, chairs, tables, screens, and spa porch deck was not swept or blown off. I love the bed best night sleep. The views, birds spectacular We are happy! Thank you for the wildflowers and note! 🐾🦋🪽💜”
I already ordered the new oven handle and told the guest. The oven was fine, it’s a few years old and discolored inside but certainly not dirty. The grill is pretty standard but was emptied of any ash (by me) but the grate wasn’t “dirty”. The shower soap dispenser was filled so I’m not sure if maybe it’s leaking, but either way I also leave soap bars for those who prefer it. All the outside surfaces get dusty from being in the middle of the woods but were swept after the last guest left.
Either way, I apologized for all the issues instead of trying to make up excuses, thanks her for her feedback so I can make subsequent experiences better, offered to have the cleaners return to take care of everything on her list, and immediately refunded her one day stay for the inconvenience. She thanked me for the response but said the cleaner didn’t need to return and that she didn’t want a refund of a day (too late lol).
I looked at her review history on AirBNB and they’re all 5 stars that she’s left before (5 other reviews given). Am I being paranoid or should I just expect a shit review from her?
UPDATE: I sent her a message saying “It’s been a few days since we connected so I wanted to make sure you and your husband have settled in and are enjoying yourselves?” She responded with “🩵🦋🐾🪽🙏🏻🥰”. I’m taking that as everything is good!

Dean Roche was a 31 year old Irish man who vanished without trace from the town of Ballyfoyle in County Kilkenny on March 22nd 2015. At the time of his disappearance, Dean was struggling with a heroin addiction which many think could have played a role in his case.
Dean Roche was the middle child of 3 brothers and a father of one to his young son, Jamie. According to his younger brother Eamonn, Dean had spent the day playing with his son at his mother's house in Hebron Park on March 22nd 2015. At around 7pm that evening, Dean told his mother that he was going to purchase a car for €200 from a seller in the nearby town of Ballyfoyle. His mother, Geraldine, recalled that he had over €900 in cash on him which she thought odd considering he had stated the car was only €200. Both Geraldine and Eamonn had begged Dean not to go out as he was "in a state" from drug usage but he departed anyway, catching a taxi to Ballyfoyle which was approximately 15 minutes drive away. He told his mother he would be back in around 30 minutes and then departed. This would be the last time that his family would see him.
After he never made it home, his family went to the Garda to report him as missing as it was very out of character for him to not return. However, according to Dean's friend Damien Hipwell, the Garda didn't take them seriously. He stated "There was no urgency whatsoever about the investigation, it was just 'whatever'. We were actually told to go home". The investigation only began properly a few days later when a Gardaí officer on patrol met Dean's mother and listened to her story. At this stage, an investigation was launched and some strange events were brought to light. The car that Dean had purchased, a Mitsubishi Lancer, was found crashed into a tree a short distance from where he had bought it on the night he vanished. A local woman also came forward and told both Garda and Dean's family that at around 8:15pm on the 22nd, Dean was discovered standing in her driveway. He appeared disoriented, confused and very distressed and when asked if he was ok, stated that he was in urgent need of help. The woman returned inside to call for assistance but when she returned to her front door, Dean was gone. However, while she was standing there, she saw a large silver car go absolutely flying past at extremely high speed. She said that she heard it come "screeching" to a halt further down the street followed by a man yelling "Get in the car! Get in the fucking car!". The vehicle then sped off at high speed and vanished. However, some conflicting reports state that Dean was last seen at 9:15pm, running down the side of a house and into a field.
Extensive searches were carried out by Garda, dog and water units and even the army but no sign of Dean was ever found. However, a hat that was suspected to belong to him was recovered. Dean's family conducted their own searches too but these were fruitless also. All activity on Dean's phone and bank account ceased on the day he disappeared which has led his family and friends to firmly believe that he is no longer alive. Tragically, Dean's mother passed away from lung cancer in 2018, never getting any answers as to what happened to her son that night. However, his friends and family have never given up hope of finding answers. His friend Damien stated "Geraldine passed away in 2018. Her body was cremated and her ashes and remains are at home in her other son’s house as her last wish was that she didn’t want to be buried or laid to rest until she could be laid to rest with Dean. Her last words to me was when I went to visit her in the hospital when she was very sick. She was lying on the bed and she could barely talk but she gestured me over so I went over to her and I said ‘Hi Ger' and held her hand. The last thing she said to me was ‘don’t forget about him’. I was so close to Geraldine, she helped me a lot over the years so I have this need to fufill that promise I made to her to not give up on Dean. I can’t just leave it and walk away until we find out the truth".
It's been over 9 years since Dean vanished in strange circumstances and not a single trace of him has ever been discovered. Strangely, his case is still classed as a missing person although his family and the Kilkenny mayor are calling for it to be upgraded to a murder investigation after an anonymous letter was received by Garda, claiming that Dean was killed that night and naming both a culprit and a location in which his body could allegedly be found. According to mayor Joe Malone, "It should be upgraded to a murder case and maybe taken out of the hands of the gardai in Kilkenny too. We need this to go to Phoenix Park in Dublin to the Garda ­Commissioner to investigate this. To go through the whole lot again.” Dean's family believe that his case wasn't taken seriously by the local Garda due to his history of drug usage and a record of petty crime. Regardless of his background or struggles, Dean was a much loved son, brother and father and he leaves behind friends and family who are heartbroken, confused and frustrated at what happened to him that night.
Sources: https://m.independent.ie/regionals/kilkenny/news/disappearance-of-kilkenny-man-dean-roche-nine-years-ago-to-feature-in-new-documentary/a1637312514.html https://kclr96fm.com/kilkenny-man-dean-roche-now-missing-for-nine-years/
https://m.independent.ie/regionals/kilkenny/news/my-last-promise-to-deans-mother-was-to-never-to-give-up-on-him-says-friend-of-missing-kilkenny-man/a1146663919.html
https://irishunresolvedmysteries.home.blog/2019/08/09/dean-roche-kilkenny/

I [M21] am at my wits-end with my SOs [F20] messiness, justified?
I [M21] am at my wits-end with my SOs [F20] messiness
One year relationship
In the beginning of us being together this wasn’t the case. When I would come over she would usually have a clean room and even if it was even a little bit messy she would apologize and/or not let me in until it was clean. Over time her cleanliness seems to erode (I guess) over time, especially after moving into her own place with her sister (who isn’t much better). It’s even started to feel like her being clean and tidy in the beginning was a mask and I’m seeing the real her now
Examples:

• Her car

is always (ALWAYS) messy. It’s become the norm for me to have to push away trash on the passenger floor with my feet, there’s usually a cup that she uses for a small garbage/ashtray. There’s even other peoples trash (usually sister’s but friends too) that she complains about but doesn’t stop them from doing.
I remember one time her phone fell under the seat so I helped her reach it. I saw so much trash and food and filters and weed crumbs under her seats.
Ive expressed about this before and she changed temporarily. Eventually I gave up on it because it’s her car and I’m never in it for long (I don’t have my own car). Plus if it really bothers I just don’t have to be in it

• her room

has become a consistent mess. It’s crazy that she always apologizes for it when I come over but nothing gets done about it. She has clothes and dishes and wrappers on the floor, her nightstand is always cluttered, there’s even been times when she “didn’t get a chance to do laundry over the week” so we will sleep on towels or t shirts over pillows instead of having pillowcases.
I’m no neat freak but I was raised to be a good host but it seems she wasn’t(?) One time after we had sex I accidentally left a used condom laying around (nothing inside, just used). The next day she had a friend over unexpectedly. No biggie, she hung out her in her room for a bit while I watched tv in the living room. She told me after that her friend left and she saw it and pointed out the condom. I sincerely apologized to my girlfriend for it as I know it would be seen as gross and embarrassing. My girlfriend didn’t care, saying “this is my house”.
A few days ago (let’s say Wednesday) she told me she accidentally spilled her ashtray on the floor. Weekend comes and that spill is still on the floor. I laughed about it initially, thinking she would get to it. She never did, despite us eating and watching tv in the living room all night and it being as simple as sweeping it up. I even accidentally stepped on the pile of ash, filters, and sticks and expressed it made me upset. Still nothing done about it, instead just walks around it every time.
what am I doing about it?
You may be saying to yourself, “why not help out sometimes?” Well one, it’s her house so it’s not my responsibility. And two, I actually have. I’m someone who was raised to be a good houseguest as well. When I’m over her place I clean. Not only do I genuinely want to help sometimes but I try to take care of any mess I contribute to. I’ll wash dishes, take out trash from our food delivery bags, etc
You may also be asking, “well have you communicated this to her?” One, I feel this isn’t something a partner should have to bring up as it is her personal and basic well-being. I feel it’s weird to have to tell my partner about the importance of keeping her home/room clean. Plus if this basic thing is changed just for the sake of the relationship or because a partner brings it up, similar to her car, would be it be real change? Two, tactfully I mention it all the time: “the trash is getting full, you guys should do the dishes more often I don’t want y’all to get pests, I think you should throw out the food in that Tupperware in fridge being it’s been in there for a few months, etc
some understanding
She works too jobs, one at a daycare and another as an aba therapist. She was heavily abused as a child and endures emotional and financial abuse from her sister often. In my opinion, she has every reason to be burnt out and not have the energy to do even basic things sometimes. She does try to be better. Though she has back problems that deter her from being able to do the dishes in one go she has done it here and there. She has cleaned the bathroom, washed her clothes, and keeps bed bed clean. It sounds like I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here, I know, but I’m saying these things to say ‘I don’t think she’s lazy. I think she’s dealing with more than she can handle externally and internally and it’s affecting how she lives. I see her efforts and I don’t want it to come across as me condescending’. (Therapy would be helpful imo but she lacks the time and desire, she says).
TL;DR: my so has become messier and messier over time. She deals with a lot so I can get not having the energy to always clean but it’s a little crazy at this point. She wants to improve a lot in her life so that leads me to be hopeful but I’ve heard you shouldn’t be with someone for their potential. Perhaps I’m taking this too seriously
What do you think?

Ritchie is rather prominently shown off in the opening of the Orange Islands arc despite not appearing in it. Would anybody have wanted to see him appear again so he and Ash could have a rematch, or did Ritchie proving to be an overhyped fraud whose victory over Ash was largely because Ash's team was exhausted and Charizard refused to battle do too much damage to his credibility as a rival?
I don't have any strong feelings either way. As I implied above, I do feel that Ritchie not earning his victory over Ash meant he lost his initial credibility as a rival and it is quite telling that when they did meet again in the Jhoto League, there was no rematch.
On the other hand, the anime ultimately did have Misty improve a great deal as a trainer despite her inability to defeat Ash, even if it took her leaving him. I feel like since Ash and Ritchie both lost in the Indigo League, it would have at least been interesting to see them meet for a rematch so we could see how Ritchie's efforts to deal with his defeat paid off compared to Ash's.

I'm going to try to translate those top comment from Hupu for MSI, I might skip some of them as they are Chinese internet memes that I've no idea how to translate, and those comment related to Honor of Kings, a popular league like mobile game made by Tencent.
The rating is user poll generated, you can give a rating between 2 and 10, and average is used. A total of 443k people participated in this series' rating.
Hupu rating is an in APP feature so it doesn't really have a link, but here is the post match thread for the match, and on the top there is an link you can click on that get you to that page. link

MATCH 1: BLG vs. GEN

Bilibili Gaming

	Player Rating	Top Comment
Bin Twisted Fate	7.3	Kinda criminal.
Xun Xin Zhao	2.3	Farm with Karthus in the early game, int mid game, super minion late game, wtf are you playing, feel bad for your teammates.
Knight Neeko	3.8	Did you Vietnam memory come back after seeing Karthus?
Elk Lucian	8.0	Those flames you probably don't have league installed, you played well.
ON Nami	8.0	I mean I don't have any problem this game right? what do you want me to do as a support.
BigWei	6.9	Picked everything that needs to be picked, no one can blame draft now.

Gen.G

	Player Rating	Top Comment
Kiin K'Sante	6.9	You might have inted early game, but your sidelaning and team fights are stellar.
Canyon Karthus	9.4	Pentakill + True Damage + Country + Heartsteel, we don't stand a chance.
Chovy Yone	9.3	You are the best mid Yone I've seen.
Peyz Senna	6.9	Jia-Hao (ELK's first name), did you think I don't know how to get carried?
Lehends Tahm Kench	8.8	Your Tahm made Mille(LPL Caster) slient.
Kim	7.5	Kenzhu: Guys, I'm typing in the password right now, be patient.

MATCH 2: BLG vs. GEN

Bilibili Gaming

	Player Rating	Top Comment
Bin Camille	6.5	Now, only fight to the death, no surrender.
Xun Xin Zhao	2.2	BLG brought you up to a level that you are not qualified to be at.
Knight Orianna	3.7	International Choker.
Elk Varus	2.9	Last time OMG young ad played against you and broke league record with 19 kills, today their young AD broke international record playing against you with 28 kills, you are the true greatness.
ON Ashe	2.8	Fountain divers will be dove.
BigWei	2.5	If you don't want to play just go 1v1 Kenzhu.

Gen.G

	Player Rating	Top Comment
Kiin Zac	8.7	So Gen.G was not bad, it was just Doran.
Canyon Sejuani	9.1	What aren't you good at?
Chovy Yone	8.3	When Chovy only needs to farm and the game is won, how scary is that team.
Peyz Kalista	9.1	Elk, would the penta kill go on my resume by itself?
Lehends Blitzcrank	9.5	Come to Chengdu, your hook usage just went up I guess. (Hook 钩子 in the local dialect also means butt.)
Kim	8.1	Kenzhu: shoot, password too complicated.

MATCH 3: BLG vs. GEN

Bilibili Gaming

	Player Rating	Top Comment
Bin Jax	9.0	You redeemed yourself at last fight, lack a bit of discipline, needs to be more careful next game.
Xun Nidalee	5.4	Wait, you can go Soraka jungle now?
Knight Jayce	9.5	Jayce pick for elimination match, at least you are not a coward anymore.
Elk Senna	9.3	Those movements.
ON Tahm Kench	3.5	Would've won a lot sooner if you didn't int.
BigWei	5.2	How could you laugh when you almost didn't find the champion at BP, my roommate was about to cry.

Gen.G

	Player Rating	Top Comment
Kiin Rumble	3.7	Are you washing the river bed with your ults?
Canyon Lee Sin	3.9	So, while you are flying in the middle of sonic wave....(Reference a famous Lee combo by a Chinese Streamer.)
Chovy Hwei	5.1	100 for the final int.
Peyz Kalista	3.7	Got all the kill with Blitz, did you thought you were carrying?
Lehends Ashe	3.8	If you don't know how to play Ashe you should go watch the KPL spring final yesterday, they played Solarus.
Kim	3.5	Kenzhu: Final got on and played a game.

MATCH 4: BLG vs. GEN

Bilibili Gaming

	Player Rating	Top Comment
Bin Camille	3.8	What's the hurry, why kept trying backdoor, they are not TES.
Xun Nidalee	3.5	That baron steal was Canyon fked up, not your Soraka played well.
Knight Tristana	3.5	You guys would've won if you didn't took down the inhibitor tower.
Elk Zeri	7.4	They have no faith in the full summons full item Zeri, not your fault.
ON Nautilus	2.4	No one should lift their chopsticks tonight at Gen.G celebration dinner until you get there.
BigWei	3.1	Like I said before, regardless of the BP, does this team have any discipline.

Gen.G

	Player Rating	Top Comment
Kiin Rumble	9.1	Base Security.
Canyon Lee Sin	9.0	Grand Slam!
Chovy Azir	9.0	Coronation of the new King.
Peyz Senna	8.7	Jia-Hao, you see, I can also win with Senna.
Lehends Maokai	9.1	FMVP!
Kim	8.2	This is the coach that brought LPL to its first world championship victory, he is really good.

This story is a little hard to talk about, I've talked about it once but didn't wanna get into it much but thought maybe I should start from the beginning with these 2 orbs. I was only about 11 years old at the time, I had lived down the street from 2 other kids around the same age. I had been to their house many times before and had never experienced something so vivid. But either way I'm about 11 years old and the season outside was fall, I ran down the street to see if me and my friends would be able to hang out. I reach their home and knock on the door, their parents answer and proceed to let me inside. Now for everyone wondering what the set up to this looked like I'll do my best to keep the description but this was over 10 years ago and their house was honestly a disaster. So as I entered the door I'd step into the kitchen, as I stepped through I could smell something burning, it was strong smelling never smelling it before it hit me strong. Not knowing I figured I'd just ask one of my friends, but I stopped before reaching their living room because above their kitchen table I was seeing 2 orbs circling around each. Almost as if they were in fight for control of the house or just constantly in motion but you could see them vividly as they spun around in circles at each other. I couldn't help but stare in amazement from never seeing something so interesting. So I turn through this sheet they have in the doorway of their home into the living room. Sitting on the couch were both my friends playing Halo on the Xbox. I sat near them on the couch and asked them what had been burning and they told me sage, at that time I had no idea what it was but the smell was growing on me but years later my future friend would actually tell me what sage is used for. So after a few mins of watching them play I asked what with the weird light in the kitchen? 1 is black and 1 is white, I'm trying my best to describe what I saw to them as I came inside. They look at each other and a friend says to me that it actually isn't the first time this has happened. As we are all talking about the orbs somehow they made their way through the sheet in the doorway to the living room from the kitchen. But at that point it didn't seem like they were seeing it or letting it bother them but I kept my eyes on them until it got late and I was already given permission to stay there that night. As I began to head towards the bedroom which was back through the kitchen I accidentally ran through the orbs, nothing happened at first. But about 5 mins after walking through the kitchen into my friends room I went to turn on their tv. As I went to turn it on I heard this loud snarling then bark in my ear, I turned around and my friends were still on the bed. I asked if they heard that dog bark and they responded what dog? I said come on y'all didn't hear a dog just now, like you guys didn't just bark in my ear? Again they responded but confused no we don't even own an animal, also I already knew since that wasn't my first time there but I just really needed to know. After the first bark about an hour went by before I would hear it again snarling and barking at me that night. This would happen about 3 times that night. After that night my thoughts on the paranormal have forever been open and I'm curious to know more. But that was my first experience into the paranormal. Question how would someone go about documenting these paranormal events but with little to no budget? I want to try and debunk this small ash that seems to follow me for the past 5 years and now my girlfriend is starting to see it. Any ideas from anyone?

The Pokémon anime was my childhood. It was what got me up every Saturday morning and what I was eager to watch after school. I rooted for Ash to win in his battles and was genuinely attached to his Pokémon and Brock and Misty and all of his friends and wished for their successes as well. But at some point we all had to accept that the anime’s most important purpose was to market the video games. They told good stories such as Chimchar’s character arc and the Ash/Paul rivalry but their priority was marketing the video games and maximize the sales.
The moment for me was probably Unova which came after Sinnoh, which was Ash’s best performance. I remember looking very forward to Ash’s performance in his next league after watching the incredible story of his rivalry with Paul and how it made home grow and mature as a trainer, but then Unova comes around without any transition from the previous series like there was before and basically reset Ash and regressed him to be as inexperienced as he was in the OG series.
I think Unova broke the immersion I had in the series by making Ash regress and become dumber. I guess the writers wanted Ash to represent the MC of the video games, an inexperienced trainer setting out with his first Pokémon steadily growing and improving so they needed to reset Ash, because as I said, the anime is first and foremost an advertisement for the games.