I've read people's opinion on it and why it makes sense vs the one's who don't like it. Watched gameplay from different people. played multiple games with this rework trying out different strategys. No matter what is going on it's just awful to play. I genuinely don't see why they did this and most of the people who like it can't even explain why. Most just like it because it's a (new) support because it's a support without caring about the character. Others want it to happen whether because they hate going against Moji or the low pickrate excuse even though kinnesa and strix exist. So like the other actual Moji mains or people who know how she operates and her history. I'm going to explain everything wrong with this rework and why it shouldn't happen.
 

Spit & Sparkle

\ \ I have multiple problems with this change. Let's start with the fact that sparkle now self slows you for 20% when used. It used to be 10% which was one of the main issues that we wanted to be removed but kept it now it's at 20%. So now Moji has a ball and chain on her and anyone with extra speed will outrun Moji's heals and damage. Thought supports was supposed to stay with the team. Not have a hard time keeping up with them. No wonder Moji she tells Po-Li to go faster. In order to do it you have to stop healing, then heal, and do it again which means you have less healing. Unless of course they're glued to the point which won't happen in most cases since people have to constantly move in different areas because of what's happening.
Also when it comes to attacking and running away you might as well stay still. Where are you going while being self slowed for 20% while having a big hurtbox? Everyone in this sub just forgot about her big hurtbox which makes Fighting even more of a issue. Even if you use morning breath which takes off 4% of self slow. You still have the big hurtbox issue and less options for better cards which most of them suck that I'll slightly explain later as well. Self slow should be gone in general. It should have never stayed especially when they decided to remove it for everyone else.
Second issue is her damage. There was a reason why she did 1,000 damage and not 450. Not only that but they removed her ability to mark enemies by default. You can with a talent but I'll get to that later. Spit does the main damage and now sparkle does limited tickle damage which also means you're wasting your heals. Who thought this made sense in the slightest. You have to use that in order to kill your enemies faster. When your done you have to wait for it to refill to attack the next enemy coming when no one else comes to help making you helpless. Or you somehow kill the enemy because it's hard to do unless low health. You have to use the rest of it to heal your team which you won't have enough of. This is painful to use.
Third issue is it has heal ammo like IO that runs out quick. Yes you can mark your team but it still isn't enough and doesn't fix the main problems. Her main healing is short range. Name one healer in the game that has a short range in healing. They also have to manually heal with sparkle which other manual healers especially auto or assisted aim healers can do way better. God forbid if they have to come back into battle and try to heal a low health teammate with spit which you will miss multiple times. So what's the point of healing with this character. Moving on to Magic Shield
 

Magic Shield

 
This ability doesn't do much for her team or herself and she should have kept magic barrier. This ability feels like a worse version of Torvalds removed talent alternating current. Instead of delaying your death by 1.5 seconds you delay it by one attack and take the next few shots before being able to run away. The only possible use of it is a niche build and team where you run with a flank while having the card harmonious. With the card you are basically a walking dispenser that shoots with the flank you will hug through most of the game. We already have enough niche things that can be pretty boring and are hardly used. Torvalds had multiple of those. Moji doesn't need it too.
 

Scamper

\ \ You can now run indefinitely with it. They removed bunny hopping but then they brought it back when they realized that she was a literal bunny. When they brought it back though they nerfed the speed and the bunny hops. It's so noticeable that it's not any different from the scamper ability when it comes to speed. The only good thing about it is when you do the advanced tech when trying to spray. That is until that 20% self slow puts a ball and chain on you. This doesn't fix her main issues and they made it worse beilieve it or not. Here's there reason on doing it.
Due to changes to how Scamper functions, Bunny Hopping will be weaker at base than it was prior. In order to feel similar to how it did on Moji prior, you'll want high levels of both Boop and Morning Breath to allow those same flings across spaces.
This is completely wrong because when did we ever had a card that decreases self slow. Your really trying to tell me that Moji players, grandmaster Moji players, and bot Moji didn't know anything about it??? Guess it was hidden in the game the whole time. Plus it doesn't even change the speed of bunny hopping because you nerfed it and nothing in her cards effects it. So in order to maintain any kind of speed I have to put points into morning breath which is pretty a forced have too in game. Also who uses boop to increase the speed after using scamper. No one used it because bunny hopping was way better than that because you're able to move while attacking and defending yourself. Anyone running it was basically throwing without knowing. Not even maxing out scoot will save you. Your just delaying your death with that maxed out 20% damage reduction and giving them more ult. Seriously if using regular scamper made you die when trying to escape. What's making it indefinitely going to do?
 

Bon Appetite

\ \ This one really amazes me because they actually put part of yummy into base kit that we asked for halve what. Except there is no ult percentage and gives 50% of maximum health instead of 1000hp and ignores anti-healing. Problem is. This ult is now basically worse than pips ult and atlas setback. They changed everything else but the ultimate in order to keep the old Moji play style that is pretty much dead. They clearly want her to be glued to her team and with this ultimate you make them have to run to the opponent to eat it. The main use now for it is to use it for defence which is horrible because it's so easy to predict it. Most characters can either block, CC immune, dodge, and other things to ignore being ulted. Even with the cancels it won't work. You had a better chance of using it because you can attack regularly, use the magic barrier combo, and other methods to make people take the ultimate. Without magic barrier she less uses for her ultimate. It's now a long charging ability and is terrible. Now for the talents.
 

Spit Shine

\ \ Spit now heals them for 350 and increases their Movement Speed by 20% for 2s. Why is this reworked Moji's only true support talent. This talents fine until you realize that it's also goes against Moji and the team. Let me explain. Remember how Moji has 20% self slow when she fires. Well now that the team is moving at 120% now you're basically moving at 60% and they're outrunning you. Some characters can move even faster and you will basically be at a speed of 40%-60%. So if you felt forced using morning breath you will using this talent and have to make it 5 points. Even with morning breath maxed out. You will be moving at 60%-80% and will be forced to use scamper and may get attacked by a enemy and can't run or hurt them enough. You're just a bad assist healer with some use that is not enough.
 

Jubilation

\ \ Reworked to "Magic Marks are now instead applied to enemies. Detonating at least 7 stacks of Magic Mark deals bonus damage, up to a total of 800". I'm aware that she is a support but they still don't know why she did 1,000 damage in the first place. With this talent you no longer have the ability to use the secondary to heal people. This talent will bring these types of players.
The ones who like old Moji and then realizing that they changed so much that flank Moji is not possible. Instead they may go damage and heal from time to time. Another one is that someone uses it for defence while mainly healing the team and forcing two supports to play in the match. The last one is someone you will see more often is someone not able to play Moji or the talent well. Youthought grohk going damage and seris flanking on the same team was bad. Get ready for her to join the team. Your going to ask them so who is going main support and who will play tank and it's television static. The seris will stand around too much and do a bunch of questionable things. Grohk only has some heals because they were there when they played damage. The Moji is struggling to do anything with it. The seris will plug and the bad grohk player will say something crazy before leaving a millisecond later.
No matter what you do with the talent based on your skill. Nothing just works for reworked Moji including the cards. The damaged worked because she had magic barrier and damage combos with it. Without it she can't do anything when she's is in danger including running away with the giant hurtbox.
 

Realm Runner

\ \ When entering Scamper, leave a magical dust cloud behind that applies a lingering heal for 600 over 3s. Dust cloud lasts 4s.
Moji mains have been wanting toot I mean realm runner in base kit for awhile because it's not a real talent. It's a better version of scurry and when it's in base kit then she would actually be able to use the other two talents and do better without ruining gameplay for anyone. Instead they kept it as a talent to play the old Moji. What old Moji...you got rid of almost everything Moji who is basically just a echo champion at this rate. You turned a forced talent into a throw talent.
The dust cloud we wanted back is just a sparkly circle on the ground that people won't be able to see. Plus is like back then where the team can see it and no one else. Otherwise people will know where she is and take her down. Why.
 

Cards

\ \ None of the cards have any synergy with each other at all. You're basically forced to use morning especially with the healing talent at 3-5. Since default ammunition for sparkle is terrible you will definitely need 3-5 points for symbiotic. Dense woods never needed any points above 1 and was a decent filler card for old Moji. However since this is reworked Moji. Don't think it's worth using since you will try to be around the team constantly and should already be enough. Now we have 5-9 points for ourselves so what can we do. Uhhhh. Well damn.
Oh I didn't mention this earlier but remember how spit shine and Moji's 20% self slow makes the team run away from her. Well the card natures blessing gives allies 5% extra speed when they get hit by spray for 3 seconds. So you can max this out at 25%. Instead of being 40-60% slower than faster teammates being healed with there speed cards and abilitys. 60% slower when trying to healer teammates without anything making them move faster besides you. This is how fast you will be moving compared to them.
You will be moving at 15% at worst to 55% when trying to heal teammates while trying to heal them as they really outrun your heals. With morning breath maxed out you will mainly be moving at 35%-75% while healing. No one has tested this character at all.
Anyway you can look at the cards and get some ideas as we move on to the long time Moji bugs. So for the people who been playing Moji or about to with support Moji. Get ready to deal with these long time annoying bugs.
 

Weapons/Armor

\ \ Fluffy
Increase your maximum Health by {5050}.
Peppy
Generate {0.40.4}% Ultimate Charge when triggering a max stack Magic Mark.
Symbiotic
Increase your Sparkle capacity by {66}%.
Will-o-the-Wisp
Increase your Movement Speed by {55}% for 4s after getting an Elimination.
 

Sparkle

\ \ Dense Woods
Increase the duration of your Magic Marks by {0.80.8}s.
Greater Good
When an ally receives max Magic Marks, they gain a {2020} Health Shield while marked.
Morning Breath
Reworked to "Decrease self-slow of Sparkle by 2020%"
Nature’s Blessing
Allies gain {55}% Movement Speed for 3s after being hit by Familiar Spray.
 

Magic Shield

\ \ Cozy
Magic Shield Heals allies for {66} every 0.25s while its being channeled.
Glimmer
Reduce Magic Shield’s Cooldown by {0.10.1}s when detonating a max stack Magic Mark.
Harmonious
Regenerate {31}% Sparkle and Ammo for affected allies every 0.25s while channeling Magic Barrier.
Shimmering
Allies affected by Magic Barrier gain {33}% Crowd Control resistance for 4s.
 

Scamper

\ \ Boop
Increase your Movement Speed by {88}% for 2s after using Scamper.
Scoot
Reduce the damage you take during Scamper by {44}%.
Scurry
Heal for {2020} every 0.3s during Scamper.
Wobbles
Gain {1010}% Slow resistance while using Scamper.
 

The Bugs

\ \ It isn't a paladins games without mentioning the bugs. Here's what to expect when playing her so you don't get confused.
If a seris or Kasumi is on the team and attack the same enemy as you. Your marks will reset back to zero everytime they attack. Now can this somehow happen when trying to heal the same teammates. No idea but anything goes with paladins.
If you mark a enemy, shoot spit at them and die. Despite the mark being there the game will for some reason make you do zero mark damage.
A enemys hurtbox when turned into a cookie is really weird. You can touch them multiple times and still won't be eaten until they finally do. Sometimes they may turn back to normal even though you clearly deserved it. Last part hasn't happened to me and I hope it doesn't. What's even weirder is that even though you can't eat them from the front from time to time. Even when they're literally on your head and jumping around. You can definitely eat them from behind with no misses. Why has this not been fixed.
When being ulted by furia that's supposed to give 30% extra damage. You will instead receive 9% extra damage. I don't think this happens to no one else besides maybe jenos too.
These bugs are still relevant for reworked Moji. The other ones are not there like snack attack so I won't mention them. I even have videos for these bugs too. Don't think because these videos are old it means that it no longer happens. The horse bug is old and that has been going on for years including other things.
https://www.reddit.com/Paladins/comments/tvfhlg/a_video_of_multiple_moji_bugs_happening_ill/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
https://www.reddit.com/Paladins/comments/z33w1x/yeah_that_makes_sense/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
 

Conclusion

\ \ I know they want to do something with her but I don't buy it that they did this because they cared about Moji. Moji hardly got any changes for years and I mean rarely a update to anything about her even though we're telling them what to do and then they rework them. They did thid because they didn't have funds for a echo champion since that was mentioned in the exact same post when talking about changing moji. Paladins has a history of someone who works on the game saying they will do this or mention a thing. Whether or not people like it or not which most of them we didn't like. They will still do it like echo champions.
This is the wrong way to go about it and no warning was ever given. To people who think well people ask for support/tank in the past. Those people now see that Moji is actually better than how people depicted her in late season 2. Plus those people no longer play the game and had a whole different idea when paladins was different back then. It's one thing to say I want a support. It's another when it comes to a type of support and what they have but everyone can't explain it because they simply hate Moji based on the comments. There are some characters I hate going against and when there character gets gutted I don't cheer in excitement. I would hate that to happen to my favorite characters. I simply want a certain thing nerf if it's clearly too much but without ruining them. I only suggest a rework or change to a certain thing if nothing else can work and is something people can agree on that benefits everyone.
These changes don't benefit anyone including the ideas since no one asked for these specific things. I would just revert it and actually listen to Moji mains needs to make her a better character. Not just Moji but every character. Especially the non human characters because they stay ignore them including people wanting ruckus Aerial Assault in base kit. Rather you guys fix the actual issues than do stuff like this. Including finishing unfinished maps instead of a unnecessary map rework making them worse to play on and never fixed.
That's all I have to say. Please let me know your thoughts on this. Actually have a real opinion and thoughts and not repeat the same thing over and over without making a actual point or I'm ignoring it.

16-minute read.

pro-West party leader says they met PM Pashinyan and discussed a referendum to solidify Armenia's shift to EU

KHZMALYAN (European Party of Armenia): The referendum is our suggestion and demand. We presented it to Pashinyan and expect a response within a reasonable timeframe. We advised making a public statement soon. A referendum would also make Pashinyan's job easier by allowing the people's will to decide Armenia's direction.
REPORTER: How did Pashinyan respond?
KHZMALYAN: He suggested the meeting be held in a closed format so I can't reveal all details. We hope that our voice, our offer, our demand, was heard. If we do not receive a positive response, we will take measures by employing the same methods currently used by anti-European forces [the ongoing protests led by pro-Russian ex-regime]. We will take to the streets and demand a referendum for Eurointegration if necessary.
REPORTER: How long are you ready to wait before taking action?
KHZMALYAN: A few months. Georgia will hold parliamentary elections in October, and Moldova will hold a similar Eurointegration referendum - also in October. The U.S. will hold presidential elections in November which will be important for Armenia's future. Even if the worst scenario unfolds in all three countries, Armenia must stand firm and not take a step back. Armenia could become the leader in democracy in all of Eastern Europe if you consider the situation in Georgia, Hungary, and Slovakia [pro-Russia populist leader]. Armenia could receive an unprecedented level of assistance from Europe under those circumstances.
REPORTER: Did Pashinyan say he plans to leave CSTO?
KHZMALYAN: We did not demand specific dates but we urged him to complete all these processes this year, preferably by November.
REPORTER: Did Pashinyan agree?
KHZMALYAN: The participants of the meeting are under the impression that we were able to present convincing arguments but time will show what actions he takes. The government functions very poorly but nevertheless, they are doing something, they are taking steps.
REPORTER: On May 9, Bagrat Galstanyan gave Pashinyan 1 hour to resign but it's May 21 and he is still here. Why wasn't the opposition able to remove him?
KHZMALYAN: The 3 former presidents and their surrogate forces, backed by 30 years of power, were unable to bring forward a figurehead, a single ideology, that could win the hearts of the people. They used various political technologies, they switched between black and white robes, and they extended the 1 hour to 7 days, but none of that helped because the Armenian people hate them more than they hate Nikol Pashinyan.
REPORTER: You used to be a lot harsher on Pashinyan but something appears to have changed in your tone after your recent meeting with him. What is the reason?
KHZMALYAN: We were able to present our demands and the timelines to accomplish them. Unlike the archbishop and the former regimes surrounding him, we did not give "one hour" for Pashinyan to accept our demands; we did not make ultimatums. We believe the current government is carrying out and will carry out the will of the people to overcome the status of a Russian colony and join the ranks of free nations. We did and do see steps [taken by the government] towards this; we cannot ignore this. We saw the Strassbourg, but also Moscow. We saw the [April 5 meeting in] Brussels, but also [the recent meeting between FMs in] Almaty. We are told this is an attempt to "balance" and we understand where they are coming from, but our factions speak on behalf of over 60% of Armenians who view Russia's policies as deadly for Armenia. We expect concrete actions and we have formed a platform to continue this work; there will be petitions and other actions from us. We are ready to assist Pashinyan, who may be constrained due to ongoing negotiations, by being the public voice and saying the things he cannot say. We will continue to work, to pressure, to influence, to demand. Our meetings also continue abroad. We will press on until we reach our goal - the Eurointegration of Armenia. //
Several prominent Western-oriented political parties recently formed an alliance to promote Armenia's Eurointegration.
video,

Pashinyan appoints a ruling party member as a deputy head of the newly formed Foreign Intelligence Service - the Armenian "CIA"

After the 2020 war, Pashinyan said Armenia will need a modern intel agency to gather information and analyze foreign threats, while the NSS -- described as historically a "pro-Russian" agency by many -- will focus on internal matters.
source,

Pashinyan met the deputy head of the United States CIA to discuss bilateral, international, and regional issues

A delegation led by David Cohen is in Yerevan. Cohen also met NatSec Armen Grigoryan.
source, source,

Armenia's Investigative Committee chief hosted U.S. Deputy Assistant Secretary in the Bureau of International Narcotics and Law Enforcement Affairs

Qyaramyan and Yoder discussed bilateral cooperation, the recent retraining for Armenian agents and technical assistance, cooperation between law enforcement agencies of Armenia and the United States, anti-narcotrafficking, and the fight against gender-based violence.
Yoder also met Armenia's Interior Minister Ghazaryan to discuss the ongoing police reforms and formation of new divisions, the fight against narco-trafficking, technical assistance for rescuers, and retraining courses. Yoder emphasized effective cooperation, noting that the achievements within the framework of sectorial reforms are exceptional. The US wants to expand the agenda of cooperation.
source, source,

Armenian army officers continue to take part in NATO exercises titled Regex 2024 held in Moldova

GOOGLE TRANSLATE: The exercise is organized with the support of the NATO Joint Forces Command in Naples, Italy, and aims to train the military according to Western standards for planning and conducting exercises, crisis management, strengthening and assessing the level of interoperability of forces in a multinational environment.
We remind you that the exercise "Regex 2024" consists of several workshops during the current year. The first workshop took place between February 16 and March 1, and the second between 22 − April 26, 2024. //
source, source,

NATO and Armenia strengthen cooperation in defense education

Armenia's defense ministry representatives recently visited NATO headquarters to discuss NATO’s Defence Education Enhancement Programme (DEEP) for Armenia.
NATO: The DEEP programme is an excellent tool to support Armenian military education system reforms and strengthen the country’s cooperation with NATO.
ARMENIA: With the support of DEEP experts we implemented major changes in all levels of our educational curriculum at Military Academy, starting from cadets up to the most senior levels. It helped us to establish cooperation with many international partner institutions.
source,

Armenia is an emerging destination for UK and global investors: Armenia's Ambassador to London Business Matters

👔 Armenia is committed to building a knowledge-based, export-oriented, and inclusive economy.
👔 Armenia is diversifying its growing economy with pioneering sectors, creating ample investment opportunities.
👔 Armenia’s investment legislation grants equal treatment to foreign investors
👔 There are no restrictions on remittances and repatriation of profits, free exchange of foreign currencies and no limitations on staff recruitment
👔 The country’s favorable business climate and ‘open-door’ policy is also reflected in international reputable rankings where Armenia is ranked one of the highest in the region.
👔 Although Armenia has a relatively modest internal market, it offers different models of economic cooperation and serves as a gateway to major world markets
👔 Armenia has maintained a high level of cooperation with the EU through CEPA
👔 Armenia and UK will soon have a CEPA-like agreement
full article, source,

Turkey modernizes an Azerbaijani Su-25ML jet with guided bombs and Teber missiles

It uses KGK laser guidance for missiles and increases the reach to 110 km.
source,

Pashinyan's Chief of Staff hosted the French Ambassador to discuss defense, economy, infrastructure, and humanitarian topics

... also the upcoming events dedicated to the 100th anniversary of Charles Aznavour.
source,

Parliament Speakers of Armenia and Ukraine discuss the situation in the South Caucasus and Ukraine

source,

Q&A with ruling party MP Vahagn Alexanyan about the ongoing protests led by pro-Russian opposition

REPORTER: You continue to criticize the "holy movement"...
ALEXANYAN: The what now?
REPORTER: ... the "holy movement", by calling it a "pagan" movement. What is the ruling party's stance and do you discuss this internally?
ALEXANYAN: Of course we do, although I don't think Kocharyan's decision to name this movement "holy" is helping them. It's comical.
REPORTER: Do you have proof that Bagrat srbazan is [tied with Kocharyan]?
ALEXANYAN: Bagrat Galstanyan is surrounded by the entire political team of Robert Koharyan, he was a member of Kocharyan's 2022 protests and gave similar speeches he gives today, he received a praise from Russian propagandists, and he was named by a Russian propagandist Aram Gabrielyanov as a potential candidate for a new protest movement just a few months prior to these events, so it's beyond reasonable doubt that Bagrat Galstanyan is part of Kocharyan's team.
REPORTER: You were earlier accusing Galstanyan of being a Russian agent, and now Kocharyan's agent?
ALEXANYAN: Same thing.
REPORTER: The opposition gathered many thousands of supporters on May 9. What does the size of the crowd indicate?
ALEXANYAN: It was similar to Kocharyan's final rally before the 2021 elections. And?
REPORTER: The opposition created a video of "Pashinyan's lies" and broken promises. Will you respond?
ALEXANYAN: The clip itself is a lie and manipulation. For example, one of the supposed lies was Pashinyan's promise of an amnesty for overdue fines and penalties. You are a journalist, you tell me, was there an amnesty or not?
REPORTER: Pashinyan had also said that POWs could wait "just a few more months" and that he wouldn't "sacrifice Armenia's sovereignty" in exchange for bringing them back sooner. Why aren't they back?
ALEXANYAN: Dozens of POWs returned home in December, and efforts continue to bring back the rest. Literally 1-2 days before the POWs' return, the opposition claimed that the POWs were "forgotten" by the government. "Ոչ մի բան չեք անում:"
REPORTER: What about the Nagorno-Karabakh leadership?
ALEXANYAN: There are efforts to return them as well.
REPORTER: Why did the police form a wall to block entry to village Kirants [for nonresidents]?
ALEXANYAN: I think the NSS said they had to take action to prevent interference with the border work. From what I can tell, the protest leader himself went there yesterday and returned only 15 minutes later so there wasn't a big desire to stay there apparently.
REPORTER: They plan to hold a big rally on May 26 where they might nominate Bagrat srbazan as the PM's candidate to replace Pashinyan.
ALEXANYAN: Why not go straight for [alleged narco baron] Mihran Poghosyan [who publicly praised the protests]?
REPORTER: There appears to be a consensus around Bagrat srbazan after a meeting between several forces.
ALEXANYAN: Consensus minus one, where "minus one" is the people. Or to be more precise, "minus two", because the Constitution also prohibits Bagrat from serving as a prime minister. Congratulations on an initiative that's dead on arrival. It's absurd. They suggested replacing the Constitution to allow a dual citizen to serve as PM. Okay... To get Canadian citizenship you have to take an oath to serve the best interests of Canada. To allow dual citizens to serve as PM in Armenia we have to accept for the PM to have loyalty towards another state. The alternative is for the candidate [Bagrat] to admit that his word [oath to Canada] wasn't worth a dime. Երևի մատերը խաչ արած ա երդվել։
REPORTER: But don't you think you are manipulating because Galstanyan received Canadian citizenship just to be able to serve in the church in Canada? He didn't go there to live or conduct business.
ALEXANYAN: It doesn't matter why he went to Canada. He is a citizen of Canada and took an oath. Even religious leaders with dual citizenship cannot become prime ministers. I don't have an issue with him being a dual citizen, but it limits his office options. He still hasn't renounced his Canadian citizenship even after all these talks about a possible nomination.
REPORTER: Galstanyan said he is ready to renounce it as soon as there is a need for it.
ALEXANYAN: In other words, he seeks "guarantees" that he will be the candidate in order to renounce it?
full,source, source,

opposition churchman Bagrat Galstanyan demands the Armenian government compensate the damage done to the church during USSR and "return" the properties "legally belonging" to the church

This was said as a response to the critics of the church leadership who accused the church of turning into a political party and suggested taxing the church like a business.
BAGRAT: We have 19th-century churches that were forcefully confiscated and turned into ruins. The properties of the Armenian church must be returned to the church. The area of Moscow Cinema belongs to the church, half of the Katoghike Church was demolished and belongs to the church, and part of the items in Matenadaran were taken away from the church. Instead of threatening us with taxes, they must think about how they plan to return our properties, fully renovated and ready for service.
source,

the church is actually paying taxes but they do have some exemptions

The church paid $1 million in income taxes last year.
There are tax exemptions to import certain goods deemed for charity. They also don't pay property tax, and taxes on income generated from the sales of ceremonial accessories. The latter two are the frequent targets of church critics.
source,

Armenia's Constitutional Court has a vacant seat. Pro-Russian opposition criticizes Pashinyan's ruling party for favoring a "George Soros-linked" judge who worked for U.S. State Department.

A Serj-era judge is leaving the Constitutional Court after receiving a job offer elsewhere so one seat is vacant. It is the judiciary's turn to nominate a CC judge, so hundreds of judges recently held a meeting and voted for Judge Balayan as their candidate. Balayan's father was a CC judge during Kocharyan's tenure. He was accused in the Wikileaks report of having inappropriate deals with President Kocharyan. Pashinyan's ruling party did not vote to approve Balayan. This led to a second gathering of hundreds of judges where they voted to nominate Judge Khachaturyan as their candidate. The parliament summoned him for Q&A on Tuesday.
SPEAKER: We invite the representative of the judiciary to present their nominee for CC.
JUDICIARY REP: 267 judges voted. Judge Davit Khachaturyan, a member of the Criminal Chamber of the Court of Cassation, won the majority votes.
2000-2005: [blah blah blah]
2003-2006: Legislative Assistance Project Manager at Southern Caucasus Anti-Drug (SCAD) Program, sponsored by European Union and implemented by United Nations Development Program
2006: Program Assistant at U.S. Embassy in Armenia, Bureau for International Narcotics and Law Enforcement Affairs (INL)
2007-2013: U.S. Embassy in Armenia, U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ), Legal Specialist
2014: Academy of Justice of the Republic of Armenian-Russian, Vice-Rector and Lecturer
2015-2016: Council of Europe Office in Yerevan, Program “Strengthening Health Care and Human Rights Protection in Prisons in Armenia”, Legal Expert
2016: EU project “Development and Strategic Studies”, Expert on Judiciary and Human Rights field reforms
2015-2017: EU project “ENP Progress Reports and Assessment Reports on Armenia´s Compliance with GSP+ obligations”. Expert on Rule of Law/Justice.
2013–2020: Law Faculty of Yerevan State University. Lecturer. Development and teaching of courses for the Master Program: “European Standards for the human rights protection in criminal proceedings”, and “Professional Skills of a Lawyer”
etc.
OPPOSITION MP: The ruling faction earlier chose not to confirm the appointment of Judge Davit Balayan; they obviously prefer Davit Khachaturyan. Can you explain why you didn't mention that Khachaturyan served on the board of directors and later as the president of the board at George Soros's Armenia-based Open Society Foundations? How will this record impact his work at CC?
JUDICIARY REP: I presented parts of his professional activities available on the court's public platforms. You can ask the candidate directly.
OPPOSITION MP: The Soros Foundation publicly listed him as a member so I don't understand why it's being hidden now. In your opinion, how will his work at the Soros Foundation affect his impartiality?
JUDICIARY REP: The majority of judges chose him and it's up to Parliament whether to confirm or reject.
RULING MP: Was the voting held in a closed session or can you see how each judge voted?
JUDICIARY REP: It's a closed format. My duty here is to present the candidate. [basically, leave me alone I'm just doing my job]
RULING MP: Why not make the court voting and internal discussions more transparent for the public to see so we will have fewer conspiracy theories on why one judge was preferred over the other?
JUDICIARY REP: I share the view that it needs to be as public as possible but the majority of judges voted to keep the session closed to the press.
RULING MP: Just because the discussions and the vote were behind closed doors that doesn't mean it was anti-democratic, but still, it's better to publicize the process. We hope to see a change in this approach.
JUDICIARY REP: The ballot casting will always be secret and I think that's the right approach in order to allow judges to express themselves without constraints, but I agree that the discussions and speeches should be public. Either way whatever we discuss behind closed doors always reaches the press so in practice there isn't really a major transparency issue there.
CANDIDATE KHACHATURYAN: First, every part of my biography has always been public and part of public discussions. Second, I have always voted in favor of making internal discussions open to the press; it's the best way to avoid incorrect assumptions. Full speech here.
OPPOSITION MP: Congratulations. The ruling party intends to approve your candidacy just as they voted for you in the past for other positions. In all of those instances, you didn't mention your work at the Сорос Foundation. Now, a very interesting coincidence [drumroll... are you guys ready for this bombshell?], during the same time while you worked at Сорос foundation, in 2006-2013, you were also a U.S. Embassy employee [got 'em]. //
Nikol Pashinyan has resigned.
Tavush stretches all the way to Russia.
Bagrat srbazan becomes the Supreme Leader of Historical Soil & Water and the Generalissimos of Slow-Melting Candles... and of course removes the speed cameras from highways.
OPPOSITION MP (continues): With this biography, how do we know you are not an agent of foreign influence?
CANDIDATE KHACHATURYAN: I was not an "employee" at the Soros Foundations. Other famous figures have served on the Board [mentions a famous doctor]. Everyone who was part of the Board had duties but it was not really an "employment". As for my simultaneous work with the U.S. Justice Department, there was no conflict with my membership or presidency at the Board because the latter was fully a public activity and we were only given a symbolic sum to compensate for our expenses; we are talking about less than $100/mo. I will let you be the judge regarding an agent of influence. There is a lot that's missing from my biography that was read here [lists some boring constitutional research work, etc.].
OPPOSITION MP: You keep being "promoted" by the ruling party without having the chance to finish your terms. The longest job you've ever held was at the Сорос Foundation - 8 years. The brother of the head of the Anti-Corruption Committee, who is about to join the CC, cannot be impartial. Again, what guarantees can you present that you are not a [Western] agent?
CANDIDATE KHACHATURYAN: Your expectation for guarantees stems from the assumption that the [Open Society Foundations] were engaged in activities other than the ones they were actually engaged in. I won't present any "guarantees" because there is no "threat" to begin with. As I've said, that part of my biography has always been discussed publicly and the activities were public and covered by the press.
RULING MP: In your speech you spoke about the judiciary in the U.S. and brought examples. The U.S. doesn't have a Constitutional Court. Don't you think we should also merge the Constitutional and [Cassations Court] with the upcoming referendum to have one Supreme Court with corresponding chambers?
CANDIDATE KHACHATURYAN: I support having one unified body like in the U.S., or clarifying the duties to prevent each body from interfering with the other. Lengthy answer.
OPPOSITION MP: A person [in Kirants] received permission [from USSR] to build a house and live in it. Then the [Armenian] government told him there was a mistake [after the clarification of borders]. Some 50 years after this incident, what would your verdict be in this case?
CANDIDATE KHACHATURYAN: I understand the context. This issue is the task of the Prime Minister and Foreign Minister and we cannot interfere in each other's institutions. I assume there will be a peace agreement eventually that will be sent to the Constitutional Court for examination, therefore I will refrain from making prejudgments now in order to be allowed to take part in future processes.
full video, source, source,

anti-corruption: Armenian authorities conclude that luxury Dubai property belonging to former regime MP's relative was not obtained illegally by him therefore will not be seized as part of an asset forfeiture case

Mher Sedrakyan (Tokhmakhi Mher) is a Serj-era MP whose family is going through an asset forfeiture case worth ֏7.5 billion ($19.3 million) that includes 22 real estate properties, cars, and company shares registered under his name and the names of immediate family members.
Additionally, investigative journalists recently found a luxury property in Dubai registered under the ex-MP's relative. Authorities have concluded that he is not the true ownebeneficiary of this Dubai apartment, therefore it won't be seized.
source,

the army concludes exercises for commanders

Context in May 14 news digest. The defense ministry says they have noted improvements and deficiencies and will take steps to correct them.
source,

Defense Minister Papikyan visited the frontlines and the newly built fortifications: PHOTO

The army continues to dig, asphalt, and build.
source,

Armenia's Foreign Minister met the head of the International Atomic Energy Agency during an international forum

ROSSI: Effective cooperation has been established between Armenia and the IAEA. We discussed several issues on the bilateral agenda, oncology and radiation medicine, safety, and reliable operation of the Armenian NPP.
MIRZOYAN: We plan to extend the lifespan of Metsamor NPP until 2036 while exploring new opportunities.
source,

Armenian lawyers went on strike on Tuesday to protest a bill that would move them from a turnover tax-based system to a VAT-based taxation

Context on the gray economy and why the government wants to gradually abolish the turnover tax system in May 2 news digest.
A group of lawyers said on Tuesday that their 5% turnover tax [for annual turnover under ֏119M] will become 10% this year, and in 2025 they will be required to switch to a 20% VAT/18% profit tax. The cost of legal services for many clients could increase by over 38%, they warned.
The Ombudsman and the Justice Ministry reportedly oppose this bill by the Finance Ministry.
source, source, source, source,

video shows the new payment terminals in Yerevan subway station

They plan to replace all gates next month. The Soviet-era tokens (zheton) are being replaced with QR codes, an app, and later - bank cards.
All stations will have payment terminals to purchase QR tickets. It prints out a paper with QR. Telcell's app lets you buy a ticket and instantly get a QR on the phone's screen.
Seniors who can't use "high-tech" can approach the token sellers and get a QR paper instead of a token.
video,

Yerevan will host an exhibition on Charles Aznavour’s 100th anniversary

Hundreds of rare artifacts will present the life and legacy of the legendary artist.
Location: National Museum-Institute of Architecture
Date: May 22-July 22
source,

Germany wants to purchase an Armenian man

Dortmund Borussia is interested in the services of Armenian national Edward Spertsyan as a replacement for departing Marco Reus.
During this season, midfielder Spertsyan has played 32 matches, scored 11 goals, and made 7 assists. His ass is worth €18 million.
source,

Hi
I'll preface by saying my experience is limited to building 2 personal pc's, tinkering with fan/clock speeds, and basic folder sharing between Windows pc's at home. I've never used dockerfiles or linux so far.
The last few weeks I've been trying to read forums and posts, and watch as many guides and explanations as possible to help get my first understandings of home servers. I've reached a point where I am tipping into overwhelmed with possibilities (probably overthinking), and struggling with how I proceed.
I think I'm mostly struggling with how it all connects and how/what software I need to make it easily remote accessible/a cloud server, so help on this front would be great. Thanks in advance.
First idea: I use my Old PC + new HDD's as the servecloud hardware. (Cheaper and ideal in that it uses old parts)
My understanding so far for this is;

1. I reset the Win 10 operating system on my Old PC
2. Remove Win bloatware
3. Set new HDD's to Raid 5 and format
4. Install Plex media server
5. Install Steam with games
6. Install Moonlight/Sunshine for streaming Far Cry 6
7. Install Immich or Photosync with Photoprism for auto photo backups from mobile phones
8. ?Designate folder access for other users on the local network?
9. Tailscale vpn for remote access (never used it before)
10. ...unsure if i need to do anything else

Second idea: Buy a Synology device and add HDD. This acts as media+photo+file servecloud and remains on 24/7. Old PC gets turned on intermittently to act as GUI for Web browsing+PC gaming on TV. (upfront more expensive, possibly easier to first setup)
Below are some parameters of what I'm trying to do/use.
Functions to perform:

1. Connect to tv, other pc’s and mobile devices within local home network for access to personal media (movies, music, photos).
2. Storage of home media, personal documents
3. Access to web browsing on TV for ad-free viewing instead of using direct aps like YouTube (I imagine i need a GUI for this such as Windows 10)
4. Infrequent pc gaming on TV (without using my gaming specific pc to stream from. Far cry 6 on low-ish settings but OK fps).
5. Auto backup/syncing of photos from Mobile phones.
6. Avoid needing to use public cloud services like Google Photos/Apple iCloud/Microsoft Onedrive as file sharing/backup/remote access.
7. Be online and accessible 24/7

Note: I’d welcome any tips to reduce noise and wattage profile.
Room layout:

• Room 1 has - Router, TV, Nvidia Shield Pro
• Room 2 has - Gaming PC, space for home server device and/or additional hardware device.

Planning to buy so far:

• 4 x Seagate IronWolf Pro 16 TB 3.5" 7200 RPM Internal Hard Drive

Hardware I have:

• Display: TCL tv 43P6US (4k UHD 3840x2160) (HDMI + ethernet port)
• With TV: Nvidia Shield TV Pro
• Router: TP Link Archer 1600v (1600Mbps total wifispeed, 1300Mbps on 5GHz)
• Internet provider connection: 55/20 Mbps down up
• In-home net connection: 5g wifi, 600AV2 power line (600 Mbps)
• Router sits with TV+Shield Pro, keyboard+mouse, xbox controller
• Phone: iPhone 13, Samsung Galaxy (5yr old)

(Old PC part list)

• CPU: Intel Core i5-8600K 3.6 GHz 6-Core Processor
• Mobo: Asus Prime Z370-A ATX LGA1151 Motherboard
• RAM: Corsair Vengeance LPX 8 GB (2 x 4 GB) DDR4-3000 CL15 Memory
• Storage: Samsung 860 Evo 1 TB M.2-2280 SATA Solid State Drive
• GPU: EVGA SC GAMING ACX 3.0 Black Edition GeForce GTX 1070 8 GB Video Card
• Case: be quiet! Silent Base 800 ATX Mid Tower Case
• CPU cooler: be quiet! Dark Rock Pro 3 67.8 CFM Fluid Dynamic Bearing CPU Cooler
• PSU: SeaSonic Focus Plus Gold 550 W 80+ Gold Certified
• Wifi: 5GHz
• Operating System: Microsoft Windows 10 AAOEM

It is good, just not good enough

I get what the developers are going for and commend them for their hard work and novel idea. However, there is not much meat on this bone. For the 25 USD price point the game has not met my expectations. Combat is lacking, some mechanics are straight up bad and should be removed, and the game can soft lock you repeatedly during random encounters

The 'Wordle' part

The setup of the game is simple. You type words to execute an action or attack. You find new actions or attacks by revealing words one at the time per character. The way the game helps you discover the words is through combat, which reveals 1 letter you choose, or through riddles, where the letters in the answer will apply to all of the characters speeding up the discovery proces.

Combat

The combat is based on the player typing these discovered words.

• One of the main gripes I have with combat is the cooldown mechanic. It completely removes the player's typing speed from the combat skill equation: How fast you can type only matters at the initial attacks, after that you just line up the words and hit enter after the character's cooldown expires.
• There is also not a lot of variety in attacks between characters
• Some words (like salmon or urchins) do the same thing on the same character.
• The overview of all the unlocked 'words' (i.e. attacks) mixes the important attack words with other useless 'memory' words that have no use throughout the game
• Enemies have a shield that can soft lock you. You unlock crack early on in the game for Jorro. If the shield enemies have armor you need to crack before being able to do damage AND a shield that states any of the letters that are used in the word to counter it, you can't progress and just have to wait for your party to die.
• The armor mechanic also makes heavy hitting attacks much less useful, as you have to remove the armor before being able to deal more damage. So knowing puppet, rattle or cackle (which are all, again, stacked on the same character) often does little

Exploring

The exploring gets old quickly. All areas start to look the same. Rocks, grass, a wooden door and rampart. It never really changes. The black and white visuals do little to redeem this and perhaps even add to the repetitive look of the dungeon. The rooms you will explore can be quite big. As a dungeon crawler it makes sense you want to explore these rooms, but the game does nothing to reward you for it. You can waste a lot of time navigating all the nooks and crannies of the map, expecting perhaps a chest or puzzle, but instead be rewarded with more black and white walls.

Puzzles and Riddles

The riddles are great and are a nice addition to the game. The mental switch from 'Wordle Dungeon Crawler' to solving riddles is fun and feels good. Not all riddles are equal though, some are unoriginal and you've probably heard before many times whereas others are quite clever and new. The one thing they completely messed up is that not all riddles have the correct answer.
Early on the game acknowledges this in the tombs. The riddle "What has an eye but cannot see" can be given multiple answers and the NPC will reply with "I did not expect that particular answer but it is also correct so here is your prize". You can answer blind, needle or storm and all will be true and counted as such.
Later in the game this completely goes away. For example the riddle "What do you have but never use, and others use all the time" requires the answer "name", but a) you do use your name to introduce yourself and b) In that case something akin to 'your reputation' should also fit. Or Your phone number. There are many riddles that can be given multiple answers to in this game and I was hoping, due to the core mechanic being trial and error inputting words, the game would accommodate this throughout the game.
This makes solving riddles much more frustrating and less fun. It makes it feel abitrary. It highlights the fact that the 'dungeon master' that you interact with has much more limited interactions than you'd expect at first.
The game also has a big difficulty spike at Ulara castle when it comes to riddles. There is one where you straight up need create an algebraic function and solve it. It makes the pacing feel weird and the new area feel like a brick wall which I am sure will discourage a lot of players. You can have the narrator literally give you the answer after 1 or 2 tries, but for a game about solving riddles, where is the fun in that.

The story

You are probably not buying this for the story but rather for the gameplay mechanics described above. If you mainly want a good dungeon crawler story, this is not the game for you. The characters in this story are weak and interchangeable. Your party of heroes consist of mutes. The game tells you to talk to NPCs and interact with them using action keywords like 'talk', 'use' or anything contextual. But 90% of the time you can't talk to the NPCs and the dungeon master gives you the same reply again and again. 'You will talk when I will tell you to' as you roll your eyes and move towards the next door on your map. The fun and interesting parts in the story are few and far between.

Conclusion

The game has an insane amount of potential. It just needs a lot more polish and more thought into the design elements of the game. The gameplay loop could use a review. The combat needs a complete overhaul that caters more towards typing fast while remember the words you unlocked, removing the cooldowns or making them much short will be a great start. Currently the game to me is a 4 or 5 out of 10 because of the reasons mentioned above. With some more TLC it can be a 7 or 8.

Martlet and Papyrus are two names that are rather famous throughout the Undertale and Undertale yellow communities. Of course, there are many things that come to mind when you here both names. Papyrus for example is the loud. arrogant, but kind skeleton that is the brother to the funny Skeleton Man (Sans). Martlet on the other hand you might remember as kind of a mother figure to clover if you support the idea of momlet or maybe just the puzzle loving bird friend of clover. Each of these characters have unique fates for each Fanfiction a member of our beloved community writes. Whether its romance, tragedy, or a simple slice of life fanfic. So where do these two falls in my little world of a second human monster war. Well, it might be a bit more complex than one might think.
​
Opening UN Archives.

The second monster human war was the most destructive war in history and resulted in the destruction of several Undertale AUs and monster race losing 90% of their population all because they followed a racist and mentally Ill scientist name Chujin. As tragic of this sounds it doesn't mean people tried to improve the aftermath and make life easier. Papyrus and Martlet are a good example of this.
Martlet was born in the human year 1959 at an unknown date. Accounts of her early life and parents have been lost to history to due Asgor and the monsters general poor record keeping with Alphy's and Chujin being the only ones who kept some records of sorts. It's possible this poor record keeping is why Chujin thought the monster population was bigger than it actually was. What we do know is Martlets part the events of what the United Nations Elimination of Monsters Coalition calls Undertale Yellow are and some of her life just before the events. It's suggested by Human historians that Martlet got into puzzles when she was possibly 12 in human years but that's just a rough idea. Interviews with her few surviving friends state that she made her first puzzle at 6 years old in monster years which is roughly 14 years old in human years. To further complicate things is the fact that different monsters age differently than others with Martlets species having the closest correlation to human years out of all monsters.
Payrpus birth and exact age are harder to track down. All we know is that he and his brother Sans (Currently living in New Ebot in Colorado. Mt Ebot is in Colorado) appeared in the underground out of nowhere in 1980 on the [Redacted] of [Redacted]. Papyrus took a job as a royal guard somewhere between 1980-1981 and met Martlet possibly around that time. We both know based on William Henderson's interview with Papyrus and a mention by Flowey that they exchanged blueprints for their respective puzzles on occasions and while Papyrus describes her as his closest friend Sans stated that "She was simply my brothers pen pal" whether this was Sans simply messing with Willaim Henderson or him saying the true we'll never know.
EVENTS OF UNDERTALE YELLOW
The turning point in Martlets life came on May 12th when a certain kid named Clover fell into the underground. Clover was born on the 4th of July 1969 though his family moved to the to the town of Ebot Colorado in 1978. He never got to meet his father until 1975 due to his father's enlistment into the Unified states of the Americas army during the Vietnam war. (1962-74. This is an Alternate Vietnam the US still loses however) When his father came back, he was a drunken and PTSD ridden mess. Clover's mother was little better as she was rather neglectful and lazy. Clovers Unhealthy Family life would play a role into going ahead with his plan to find the forgotten 6 children who had gone missing throughout the 60s and 70s. He developed a fascination with cowboys when watching western movies (Particularly the old ones) along with a cowboy attire. He wore this attire proudly. Due to his family life, he matured rapidly. When his friend Integra (The soul integrity) went missing when she was dared to climb MT Ebot it was the final nail in the coffin for him and he began to prepare himself for an expedition into the mountain. He bought a Coll-Wesson revolver and rope by stealing money from his father. (He was beaten for this) on May the 12th he climbed Mt Ebot and jumped into the underground and died.... Oh, wait no Flowey brought him back to life without him knowing. Clover then met Flowey around 30 minutes later starting his journey.
Martlet in the meantime was lazily relaxing in one of the many checkpoints in the Snowdin area. The exact time she met clover is unknown, but it was most likely 1 hour after she had sent a list of suggestions to how Payprus could improve his puzzles. Martlet originally tried to follow protocol and capture clover however after seeing how peaceful clover was, she gave up on it. Then after their failed attempt to get to the hot lands, the fiasco in the wild east, and meeting Ceroba and Chujin, Ceroba (Chujin is alive in my story, but Kanko is not and was killed by integrity according to Chujin) was revealed to want clovers soul to bring back Kanako. Chujin was horrified at the thought of killing an innocent kid and went against his wife's wishes (Unknown to the others this was a ploy to gain trust) Martlet and clover spoke briefly on a hotel rooftop before going with Starlo and Chujin to face Ceroba. Ceroba knocked Martlet, Starlo, and Chujin (Who was only pretending) out. Clover battled it out with Ceroba on the 13ths of May. Clover came close to winning until Chujin drove a knife through his back killing him. Chujin then asked Ceroba to not use clovers soul to bring back monster kind but to instead to give it to Asgor so monster kind can be free. (Chujin is still the royal scientist in my AU) Ceroba after some arguing agrees with Chujin as Martlet and Starlo begin to wake up. Chujin calls the royal guard who apprehend Starlo but Martlet Barely escapes by flying away.
Knowing her time was now limited she sent the last Blueprints to Papyrus before the royal Guard burst into her home at around midnight and captured her. Martlet and Starlo were executed by undying on the 14th of May early morning. While Martlets story came to an end her legacy and puzzles did not as Papyrus received her blueprints on the 14th and would hide them from the royal guard.
EVENTS OF THE SECOND HUMAN MONSTER WAR AND PAPYRUSES RISE TO FAME.
Papyrus would with the help of Sans create more puzzle's and preserve Martlets puzzles. Then on September 4th, 1984, Frisk fell into the underground and was killed by Undying. After this Papyrus was ordered to destroy his puzzle's as they now had no use to monster kind as the invasion of the surface was inevitable. Papyrus as a sign of things to come suggested instead of destroying the puzzles they should be used to entertain monster kind's children. Undying would allow it and Papyrus who still wanted to hunt the humans though his loyalty was shaken by martlets execution agreed to be in the first wave out of the underground. On the 10th of September the monster climbed up to the surface for the first time.
The sight was so breathtaking many simply forget that they were invading. Chujin fear that the humans would be waiting for them up on the surface ready to exterminate monster kind was proven false within the first day as no human was spotted on the first day. Chujin still refused to believe reports and still ordered the invasion forward. Papyrus spent the first day trying to make more puzzles. On the 11th the town of Ebot was spotted and attacked by Asgors army and Chujins boss monsters and axis models. Papyrus was in the attack but quickly simply broken down as he watched the monsters slaughter humans indiscriminately. What made Papyrus ultimately desert the Royal Guard was the Human police's along with the 9th National Guards battalions last stand as they bought time for the civilians to evacuate the time. Papyrus stated in his interview with William Henderson decades later "IT WAS THEN ON THAT DAY I KNEW WE HAD LOST THE WAR. THE HUMANS PROVED BOTH BRAVER AND FAR KINDER THAN THE GREAT PAPYRUS AND MONSTER KIND!! IF THE GREAT PAPYRUS COULD GO BACK IN TIME HE WOULD HAVE GLADLY FOUGHT WITH THOSE BRAVE HUMANS!!"
Papyrus and later his brother Sans would go into hiding for most of the war until 1996 when they switched sides and joined the Commonwealth of Britannia's army. They would serve in the Commonwealths army until 1998 when they both retired. It was around this time when Papyrus began his journey to help the entertainment industry and carry on Martlets puzzle making legacy. The second human monster war by the time he had retired had gone on for 14 brutal years and large amounts of homes and cities had been destroyed. Papyrus would turn his attention to entertaining the many children who had lost their fathers and mothers during the ongoing conflict by hosting's puzzle solving challenges. Many of these puzzles' Martlets puzzles, and these proved to be a favorite among human children. Sans also helped and had stopped being lazily for once in his life.
When interviewed by William Henderson and asked what inspired him to do this he stated. "THE GREAT PAPYRUS SIMPLY DOESNT WATCH AS CHILDREN CRY IN THEIR SLEEPY AND REMAIN SAD. ITS NOT WHAT THE GREAT PAPYRUS DOES." The entertainment industry caught onto what Papyrus was doing in 2000 and offered to not only to fund his puzzle challenges but to make them into a game show of sorts. The show "Papyruses puzzles" was born as a result of this and has remained popular ever since. Sans found his calling in the fast-food industry and opened up his own fast-food chain to honor Grillbies who had died during the war. Papyrus would give a lot of credit to Martlet for helping him discover puzzles and funded the building of a statue in her honor.
WHAT PAPYRUS IS DOING NOW.
Papyrus is currently these days is donating much of his money to the protection of the underground charity and has recently created the Blue Bird Puzzle Corporation (Refence to Martlet). Martlet was dug up by UNEMC soldiers (United Nations Eliminations of Monsters Coalition) and was buried under a second statue made in her honor in Snowdin next to the Statue of Clover and the 6 other souls. Papyrus pays a visit to her grave once very 6 months. An inscription on her statue reads "The one that inspired THE GREAT PAPYRUS to make puzzles."

Recently I've gotten myself into a slate of rebuilding various old laptop battery packs (~2012 and earlier with 18650 battery cells), and I see not a whole lot of concrete answers to these sorts of things, so I thought I should share my own experience with a long and thorough post. Pics are linked at the bottom of the post.
Of course, safety is extremely important when you're rebuilding such battery packs and use it normally and forget about it. On my later rebuilds I mimic basically all wirings as out of the factory to keep them as safe as they were out of the factory. If you do decide to follow this though, proceed with caution and do NOT hold me responsible for a fire or something.
It's highly recommended you do this with spot welder and 0.1mm nickel strips. Soldering for beginners is going to be very difficult to control and difficult to get it to sit flush, but from my experience the 0.1mm strips do bond a lot better and very flush for the few times I did attempt soldering.
Don't rush through the rebuild. Perform such tasks with one wire at a time. This will drastically reduce your chances of making a mistake.
If the thermal fuse is thoroughly blown, you can stop right here. If your laptop's own utility identified the battery as failed as soon as you insert the battery, you can stop here and give up. I've had zero luck of rebuilding with an OEM BMS with a blown fuse and have it working even after bridging it over, without the need of a programmer. If it's only partly blown (fuse not measuring full voltage but also not zero), it could work with a chance after bridging over.
Aftermarket battery BMS are unlikely to lock themselves if you disconnect battery power, but I've had problems with the reliability of those BMS and also bad luck with them increasing their full charge capacity. Some OEM BMS will let you fully disconnect power, from positive to the negative, and reassemble by connecting from negative to positive, short the positive to the positive on the connector, and have it working, but I try not to do that without a NLBA programmer for backup.
Out of all the OEM's that I tried:
Old Thinkpad batteries (T/A3x and earlier) don't lock themselves on power disconnect, but I've had horrible luck getting them to increase full charge capacity. T/R4x/5x BMS do increase their full charge capacity just fine. T6x-Tx20 battery are more evil and swap must be done with hot swap to avoid locking; Tx30 batteries and newer are exceptionally evil and can lock themselves for no reason. The ThinkPad battery maximizepower manager will help you with extra information.
Dell batteries all require hot swap with a live BMS to work properly. Be careful about expresscharge on 2010s batteries and newer - If you use battery cells too "good" and use that version of expresscharge they can blow the BMS by overcurrent. Dell batteries from 2011 onwards are also extremely evil, presumably due to the exploding Dell batteries of earlier.
HP batteries also require hot swap. But after that, most of them will increase their full charge capacity properly, but I've had one identified as Sanyo battery (rather than showing up as HP battery) that failed to do that. I heard newer HP batteries from like 2014 onwards are also very evil. HP Power ManageBattery Check with advanced mode even provides information about the exact voltage for each of the groups, super neat!
Acer batteries all require hot swap, even the oldest ones from like 2003. Most of their BMS will lock even if you disconnect power from the positive to the negative and then reverse for reconnection. They are however pretty friendly otherwise, even for the times I made a mistake accidentally disconnecting wires, then within 2 seconds I hold the wire against the contact, and solder back in, or even for that one time I shorted something and saw nasty smoke. The BMS enters sleep in that case but didn't lock.
Here's my steps for dealing with an OEM battery pack

1. Disassembly

Pick a non-noticeable place, start by wedging a sharp crafting knife into the seams to create separation. If the battery is held together with mainly clips, use flat head screwdriver to pop the clips open. If it's heavily glued down, use that crafting knife and SLICE across to cut open as much epoxy as you can with minimal destruction, do it slowly and bit by bit. Use flathead to help you once you sliced most of that. Try to do the brute force away from the BMS board.

1. Identify the circuitry

Study the factory original wiring carefully. Take good pictures of both sides, and study carefully where and how each of the pins connect to the BMS board. Take good note of the places they put insulating material such as white wax paper and tape.

1. Preparation

Start spot welding the new battery pack and get it to resemble as much of this as possible. Carefully separate the old battery from the housing and start peeling away tape. Remember to separate the thermal probe!! If your BMS belongs to the evil ones, have the old and replacement packs charged up to roughly the same level. If any nickel strip folds down from the positive end of any cell to the sidewalls of the cell, insulate with heat resistant kapton tape. I'd reuse the wax paper from the original battery pack but that comes later.

1. Hot swapping

For each of the connections, 3 in the case of 7.2/7.4V pack, 4 in the case of 10.8/11.1V pack, and 5 in the case of 14.4/14.8V pack, see how it's connected to the BMS. If it's connected with a thru hole wire, it's the easiest - just pick a sufficiently long wire and double up the wiring from the bottom of the thru hole to another place on the battery that has the same polarity. This way you can disconnect the original wire from the battery end and reuse the wire. If it's a nickel strip connection, it's gonna be more tricky. For positive and negative terminus, you can get away with a jump wire soldered to another component such as the current resistor and disconnect the nickel strip connection later; for middle wires you may have to do a jump wire from the bottom of the connection onto somewhere else on the battery, then later snip the nickel strip connection and solder the broken end to the end of the replacement pack.
Once you doubled up all of the wiring, either put the replacement pack on top or on bottom of the old pack, brainstorm just how exactly you'll pull off the hot swap so you know what to do. Once you're ready, disconnect the original connections as indicated, one by one. Then, slightly lift the BMS board up or down, and slowly one by one connect the original wires to the new battery pack. If there is any plastic spacers, transfer them across now. Once that's done and you're confident they all have solid connections, disconnect the secondary connections still attached to the old battery. If the wire now goes inside of the BMS and the new battery pack, tape up the disconnected exposed end of the wire so you won't short something while sliding it out.
Then, transfer over all of the original insulated wax paper connections, and tape up the places that had tape originally. Take loads of clear photos of the final result on both sides, zoom in and pixel peep to see if there are any shortcomings that can affect the safety.
Put the battery inside the inside housing facing into the battery bay, make sure all the terminus are not exposed, and connect the battery pack for testing.
Once you made sure it charges and discharges properly, organise the wires to make them resemble as much like out of the factory as possible, tape up the thermal probe to the right place, put liquid adhesive on the side of the battery that originally had adhesive.
Before you put the top shell back on, take more photos and examine one more round whether there are any shortcomings. Then use liquid adhesive and clamp the battery shut, removing any broken pieces of plastics that could be sticking out. If a corner is not sitting flush right, then use superglue. Clamp it shut using a clamp and leave it to dry for a few hours.
And that's it! This is a very long guide, but this is how I do laptop battery rebuilds with the utmost amount of elegance inside, in most cases without the need of a programmer, and (especially my later rebuilds) I make them as safe as they came out of the factory! Those photos are valuable both for you to share around and for you to come back and inspect whether there can be any deficiencies with your construction.
To reset the battery guage (increase full charge capacity), fully charge the battery, make sure the cells are charged to at least ~4.1V per cell. Turn off hibernation at critical battery level, or if you can't do that, at least put it to sleep so you can wake it back up. Discharge the battery, monitor using software such as batterymon. On most BMS it'll hover at around 6-7% for a very long time before going down further, at which point you can attach the charger, and the capacity should start coming up. On Acer laptops you need to reseat the battery for the updated full charge capacity to show in software. If there are software or manufacturer instructed instructions on how to do the guage reset, follow that.
Here are some galleries on Imgur, the rest are on OneDrive which I have to figure out how to upload on reddit without blocking:
https://imgur.com/a/rku1ZJn
https://imgur.com/a/0KUSgQk

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92 Hours After the First Round of Interloper Interrogations. UNAFS Perseverance (HSR) - Shuttlecraft - 01. En Route to the New Lorisa Forests LZ.
Lysara
“Touching down in ten seconds.” I announced, my voice emanating from the encounter suit’s speakers in a language that, until just days ago, was an enigma.
Yet in a matter of days, this deceptively simple translation suite, a triumph of xenolinguistics, was now able to match my tone perhaps better than ever before.
Which explained exactly why Evina had responded in the way that she did. “Nervous, Lysara?” She offered in a snide, yet well-meaning jab.
I didn’t respond, not yet at least, as the last five minutes on approach were more often than not the most dangerous aspects of aeronautics; that much I learned from the pilots and armed service members I worked with over the years.
It was only after we’d touched down, and the final safety checks were complete, that I finally turned towards Evina. “I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t at least a little bit unnerved about this whole situation.” I offered, gesturing towards the back of the shuttle, as the both of us unbuckled and left our seats. The whole mission was already memorized in our minds as we’d already run through every plan and backup plan we had over the entirety of the flight time down here. “And to be quite frank, I’m surprised you’re taking this whole thing so incredibly well.” I continued, going through the final checklists on the deployment of this platoon’s worth of combat drones as I did so.
“I think we’ve long since sailed past the point of no return the moment you told me that there was an intergalactic, eons-long war going on, Lysara.” The felinor offered with a shrug. “A bunker with potential ties with that aforementioned malevolent cosmic entity is nothing compared to that bombshell.”
“I’d have assumed that the nature of the bunker, and this mission being issued by said interloper, would’ve been the sticking point here.” I offered, genuinely curious as to the nonchalant attitude projected by the felinor.
“Eh. When you’ve lived in the wastes for this long, you’re bound to have heard the whole ‘the aliens did it’ conspiracy more often than you’d like. Now I’m not saying I believe every wastelander with a conspiracy theory… but I can’t admit the fact that the bunker has always been something that radiates a really weird aura about it. I mean, compared to literally everything else out there in the wastes? It exists in almost this time capsule of complete isolation. The beasts that roam the area, preying on anyone that gets close, don’t really help out much in that whole weird vibe either. So yeah, ever since my first iteration tried to drill her way into it, Far-Reach Point has been a point of great mystery amongst the survivors of the waste. Which lends itself really well to the possibility that your alien enemies could actually be behind it.” Evina shrugged once more, before adding a cheeky self deprecating comment. “The fact that it’s been broadcasting all this time should also be a dead giveaway to be honest. Because you definitely won’t see anything felinor-made still functional without constant maintenance after a few years into its lifespan.”
I chuckled at that statement, if only because it seemed to be made in genuine jest. “Well, we can’t say for certain that interloper tech is involved in its construction. What we do know is that the interloper has some vested interest in the facility.” I shot back, attempting to temper the felinor’s expectations and keeping everything to the limited facts we had on hand. “Or more specifically, the individual living within it.”
“And you got all of that just by putting two and two together huh? Your mission to find this person-of-interest, and the weird anomaly that is this signal station.” The felinor shot back with a disquietingly critical stare.
“It’s our one and only lead.” I shrugged. “It’s either that, or we comb through every living felinor on this planet. So in light of this massive lead, my hypothesis is that our person-of-interest, is in fact, somewhere within that facility.”
“Eh.” Evina once more shrugged. “A better conspiracy theory than the nutjobs. Or rather, good enough that I’d buy it.” She grinned, baring her teeth in the process which, at this point, I’d become accustomed to. If anything, it was after hours of ‘cat videos’, as Vir called them; that I finally started to become accustomed to these fangy grins. Moreover, it was becoming a point of endearment more than anything.
“In any case, drones are online and ready to go.” I continued, moving the conversation out of speculation and back into action, as the rear of the shuttle opened to a charred and lifeless forest floor.
“Man, Vir really did a number to this place, didn't he?” Evina whistled out.
“I… do apologize for all of the collateral damage we’ve incurred on your world-”
“Are you kidding me?!” The felinor interjected with a devious grin. “I hate forests! Heck, maybe it’s a carry-over from my perpetually-indoors first iteration, but forests have always been a place of danger and death lurking over every corner! So yeah, nah, don’t worry about it. If anything, Vir did us a favor by doing this; so be sure to like… let’s make sure to grab him a souvenir or something when we come back.”
The felinor’s frankly erratic behavior worried me sometimes.
But then again, this was to be expected given the nature of cultural barriers. As such, I simply ‘smiled’ back a smile of my own, bearing my blunt teeth as best as I could. “Noted, Evina.”
It was around that point where Evina finally donned her helmet, clasping it into place as she began testing the communications suite with surprisingly little difficult.
“Alright. Can you still hear me through this thing?”
“Loud and clear, Evina.” I nodded.
“Right, let’s get this party started.”

92 Hours After the First Round of Interloper Interrogations. New Lorisa Forests LZ, En Route to the Signal Station (Far-Reach Point).
Evina
We were parked approximately seven hundred or so meters from the signal station.
Though that distance was measured from point to point, and definitely didn’t account for the obstacles and terrain that stretched from here to the station.
Despite that, and what my memories had warned me was a treacherous trek through dense and uncompromising foliage, the world outside was now anything but.
However, despite the constant mission briefs and the logical part of my brain telling me that what awaited outside was nothing like my prior iterations recalled… the power of several lifetimes were just too powerful to overcome.
That was, until the exit ramp opened, and I saw the flattened devastation that awaited me. The charred forest, and the open landscape, quickly sent any doubts incurred by my prior iterations back to whence they came from.
So with one of the greatest obstacles out of the way, and the raw and unbridled power of human-driven alien technologies at our disposal, our deployment out of the shuttle and into the forest was a piece of cake.
More than that, I now had front row seats to the shock and uncompromising efficiency of automated combat.
Needless to say, I was more than happy to be on the other side of the barrel when it came to this engagement.
Four distinct squads of robots formed up and ran out of the back of the shuttle, forming into cohesive units comprised of ten or so felinoid bots, accompanied by a whole host of flying, crawling, slithering, and galloping machines that secured the perimeter for us within a matter of seconds.
Upon a single urging from Lysara, we walked out, flanked on all sides by a remaining detachment of bots, consisting of five felinoid units and a flight of five more drones.
For the first time in any of my prior iteration’s lifetimes, I finally felt like I was on the winning side.
It was a good feeling.
And one I hoped continued as we made our leisurely march through the decimated forests and up towards the station.
The whole scene was just so… jarring.
Especially as memory after memory came to the forefront of those trials and tribulations from the lives of my first, second, and third iterations that had all made this trek several times over.
The massive tileroot tree that dominated the area next to the station… was now just gone. The same could be said for the thick pipewood vines that obstructed the path every couple of steps, and even the earltail moss that kept growing thicker and thicker on the front entrance of the bunker.
Most importantly, the air around me was now silent and still, interrupted only by the near-silent whirrs from the robots and the crunching of ashen foliage beneath our boots.
This was perhaps the first time in my life I actually enjoyed the devastation, a thought that was both ironic as it was troubling.
Regardless, we eventually made our way to the front of the facility in a staggering seven minutes; arriving in front of a circular door with gear-like cogs that were sunken into the facility itself.
“So… why didn’t you try blasting through the walls or the other surfaces of the facility?” I inquired bluntly, pointing at parts of the facility that weren't built into the hillside.
“Countermeasures.” Lysara responded, his voice resonating into my ears, a weird and alien sensation that still sent shivers down my spine. “Our scans were incapable of determining the detailed makeup of what was inside. And as a result, we have the be on the lookout for potential countermeasures against unauthorized entry. In addition, given the fact the facility still has enough power to maintain that broadcast, we can be certain that we not only have to worry about passive countermeasures, but active ones as well.”
“Makes sense.” I nodded. “Is this why you wanted my expertise to begin with? In the hopes that I might have some intel on this place?”
“Correct.” Lysara nodded.
“Well thankfully, you’re in luck.” I responded with a cocky grin, pointing towards a not-so-insignificantly sized hole drilled into one of the door’s massive cog-like edges. “Like I told you in the briefing, my first iteration had tried her hand at breaking into this place. It didn’t work out, obviously, but she did have some theories as to how the whole door system works.” I began walking towards the hole, as a flood of memories from my first iteration slammed into me hard. “So, just beyond this hole should be an emergency release mechanism. Apparently most fallout shelter doors have this as a failsafe or something; accessible only from the inside but capable of being accessed from the outside if you're willing to dig through twenty or so meters of solid metal and rock. This is the mechanism I’m talking about here, so not actually the door itself. My memory’s a bit fuzzy on the specifics but… I’m sure that if we drill deeper into that, angling the hole sideways so we don’t actually go through the door itself, we should hit a mechanism that can be manipulated. Now if you have some fiber optic camera wire and a master lockpick or something, I’m sure you can do it in a few days. But considering we have the power of artificial intelligence on our side… I’m sure we can do it in five minutes.”
That vote of confidence for Vir was rewarded with a ping and a notification in front of my visual field. The existence of a HUD was again, just as jarring as literally everything else right now.
With a heavy breath from Lysara, who at this point was scanning the hole with a whole host of scientific instruments, I received my answer as to how it was we were going to proceed. “One of the bots can be repurposed as a multipurpose drone.” He gestured towards a combat bot that was quickly switching from its main weapon, to what looked to be a seriously well-kitted out multitool kit masquerading as a hand. “We should be able to bore through this in about five minutes, from there… I’ll switch things over to Vir, and I’m sure we’ll be inside that bunker in under fifteen.”
The confidence was palpable in Lysara’s voice, giving me hope that today was the day that the burning curiosity in my first iteration’s memories would finally be addressed.
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(Author’s Note: We arrive on the planet, and make our way towards the signal station! All the while, we observe the tireless preparations Vir has made in ensuring that the landing zone is cleared of threats! Evina elaborates further on exactly what her first iteration had done in order to try to get in, let's just hope that this time around, they can make more progress than her first iteration! :D The next chapter is already out on Patreon as well if you want to check it out!)
[If you guys want to help support me and these stories, here's my ko-fi ! And my Patreon for early chapter releases (Chapter 97 of this story is already out on there!)]

Idea

Since I've heard about the abilities and the goals of the mangod I've been thinking about a game where one person plays as the mangod.
It might make sense to use the world of MT, but it's not neccessary for this game.

Thoughts

I wasn't sure how it would work. I thought it would have to be a narrative game. Every character and their stories would have to be set up manually. That's a lot of effort, and it the end you would just finish the game once. Or maybe reach all endings once, and that's it. In the end you would just click all paths. It wouldn't really be strategic.
I thought it would be nice if it was more strategic. Similar to Sudoku, or even more like Minesweeper. You have limited knowledge of the world. There are simple rules. Sometimes you might have to guess. And if you make a mistake it's over.
While reading I always thought of it as huge decision trees. Multiple lines going out from each character, depending on their decisions. And most of them lead to the mangod dying. The mangod would always look at all the paths and try to find one which doesn't lead to his death.
So I thought, it would make sense if for each (important) character a huge decision tree will be generated. And all the decision trees will be connected (so a decision of person A might influence the decisions of person B later).
Depending on the setting it might be possible to see the future of all charactres. But I guess being able to track the future of multiple hundreds of characters would be overkill.
It's was never clear to me why the mangod wasn't able to switch desciples all the time. Maybe I missed it somehow. But if it's possible to look at the future of somebody, he would know his future, and so he wouldn't even have to switch back. So in the end he could just see the future of all characters. And that might be overpowerd. So if his restriction is explained somewhere, I would like to know.
However, I think in a game it would make sense if the mangod never sees all possible paths of the furture of some person. And besides that, it's only possible to switch desciples once per step. An step could be a day, month, year...
I have these basic ideas: - see all possible paths of the person, but only the paths which don't require any interference by other persons - see all paths of the person, but only the paths which can be reached by influencing - only see a few steps in advance, and the likelyhood of important outcomes (especially the death of the mangod, maybe also the death of other characters)
So these huge decision trees for each character might be generated in advance. But they might also be only generated partially.
Generating a decision tree for a single character, who only has two options every year, which would lead to more than one quadrillion (1,000,000,000,000,000) paths. That might be difficult to program, and even more difficult to keep track of when playing as the mangod. So it would be more reasonable if there are only around 10 important events a character might take part in, which also influence the lives of other characters. Most other things are likely rather unimportant.
But there might be different paths to reach one of these important points. For example you want to avoid some characters to get children, there are different paths they could end up together. So you would just have to avoid these if most of your deaths rely in this event. So these unimportant decisions usually add up to become important. But in the end, many decisions don't change a lot and just lead to the same or the same few paths (strong fate).
It would be nice if these trees could be generated automatically. It would still be neccessary to fill them with story I guess. It wouldn't need to be complicated story. Just simple events like "Person A dies", "Person A impregnates person B", "Person A becomes king", "Person A moves from place X to Y", etc. So maybe generating these automatically should work, too. Maybe somehow generating mini stories, which could be used to generate huge stories. I guess using modern AI wouldn't make much sense, though.

Gameplay

The basic game loop might look like this: - you play as the mangod - each step (day, month, year) you select your three deciples - you can look through their possible futures (trees containing around 10 important possible events, and maybe hundreds of unimportant events; not everything might be visible from the beginning) - you can tell each charactre some information you know - then the next step begins - the game ends when the mangod dies - the goal of the mangod might be one of these: - survive for a fixed time - kill some enemy (like Orsted) - ensure there are only paths which don't lead to death (maybe by killing Orsted)
It's probably easier as a single player game where all the characters are NPCs. The NPCs might just always go the same path if the mangod doesn't interfere. But there might also be some randomness instead. Maybe the only "randoness" might come from special characters, which cannot be seen (basically Orsted).
But it might also make sense as a multiplayer game. Either online, or if possible even some kind of table top. But since the mangod would always have three deciples, there should be way more other players (but the rules could also be tweaked so the mangod can only have one desciple at a time). So as a realtime online game it would probably make more sense.
If it's a multiplayer game, the main problem is, that the players already know that the mangod doesn't care about them. So it might be difficult to make them trust the mangod. There would have to be some gameplay mechanic, which makes it reasonable for the mangod to tell the truth. Building trust doesn't work. In the end, the players already know that the mangod would only build trust to betray them one day. Maybe the mangod could explain to somebody that they have the same goals, and the other player might believe it, so they would gladly work together.

Similar game ideas

I already had ideas for similar games before. A game about the mangod would be a mix between the two.

Strategy game

A strategy game, where you follow the stories of multiple charactres (similar to Samurai Warriors 3). Each character has their own story, but depending on which battles you win and lose with each character, or which paths you choose, you might have different paths for other characters.

Demon possesion

You are a demon and always posses one character. You can just live inside them and do nothing, but you can also influence them in various ways. You can communicate to them directly, or you can just give them ideas and feelings. You can be honest or you can lie. You can control their bodies by force or you can make them consent to controlling their bodies.
There might be three ways to switch the person you posses: - you are locked into a magic artifact, like a ring, so the possessed person have to give the ring to the other person - just be close enough - be close and the other person needs to be in a vulnerable state of mind (maybe sad, maybe in love, maybe while being intimate)
It would likely be an episodic game. You would probably start on a small island with only 5 people and have to leave this island at first. And in the end you might get your body back or kill the person who banned you.

Implementation

I doubt I'll actually try to program it for real, but it might be helpful that I've already written a performant perti net simulator in C. Perti nets can be used to represent connected decision trees.

End

So now I've written it down somewhere. Any thoughts?

Credit to u/SpacePaladin15 for the NOP Universe.
Hey, I hope everyone's doing well!
Today we return to the namesake of this fic, an actual lesson about animals. This one focuses on Koalas! One of Australia's most recognisable critters. I hope you enjoy.
It's hardly worth mentioning, seeing as I'm an infrequent poster at the best of times, but I'll not have another chapter out for a few weeks due to limited free time and devoting most of my writing time to an upcoming ficnapping. Be sure to look out for that!
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Memory transcription subject: Rysel, Venlil Environmental Researcher
Date [Standardised human time]: 8th September 2136
“Koalas!”
Bernard’s energised voice boomed through the air as the classroom's monitor flickered into life, images of this paws lecture topic popping up one after the other until the entire screen was filled with a collage of furry quadrupeds.
Squee! I’ll never get tired of this, it’s all so cool!
As usual the sight of something new stirred immediate discussion, hushed murmurs swelling into vibrant discourse in little more than a heartbeat. Most of the class swiftly huddled together into small herds to bounce ideas around while the rest opted to stick to the solace of their own thoughts as they took in the display.
I’d be quite happy in either situation, though seeing as Sandi had already sunk into deep concentration and Kailo had peeled off to talk with Ennerif and Solenk, it seemed the decision had been made for me on this occasion. Wasting no more time on idle inspection of the people around me, I focused my full attention forward, eager to form first impressions before the lesson began in earnest.
Now then, time to make some educated guesses. What traits does this animal have? I wonder if I’ll get any right this paw?
Professional assumptions went paw-in-paw with the lectures, examining and coming up with hypotheses about the specimens was only natural. Recently however, I’d started to make a little game of it to make things even more interesting than usual. A veritable bonfire of ideas had been set ablaze within me, fueled by my newfound knowledge of Earthen wildlife. Every flash and spark of the flame was a fresh theory I could try to apply to the lectures. It was an invigorating exercise that further stoked my unceasing wonderment.
So far I’d only done this once during the previous class and, to my disappointment, I’d not done too well.
I was right when I guessed that chickens were omnivores, but wrong in my assumption that they could fly. And that red thing on their head, the um… what was it called? The comb! Yes, the comb. I thought that was to attract mates, but it regulates body heat instead. It’s fascinating. Oh! Stars damn it I’m rambling!
I bapped my tail against my leg, the soft thud being just enough to snap me back from my runaway thoughts before I went completely wall-eyed. I was becoming more and more accustomed to getting lost in my own head while remaining conscious of the fact; it was happening so frequently now that it was pretty much impossible not to. Now I was able to pull myself back to the world around me without having to rely on someone else shaking me out of it. Most of the time anyway.
Sandi still keeps an eye on me, and Kailo even decided to help out once without being too snide about it. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, Koalas.
Glancing at the furred animals, two things immediately stood out. Firstly, their eyes were in a more central position on their face. And second, all the images showed them being on or close to trees. There were other noteworthy observations of course, such as the Koala’s prominent nose and rounded features, but they fell to the wayside as I honed in on these points first.
Hmmm… ok. I already know to discount the idea that they’re predators just from eye position, so let’s get that thought out of here. Maybe omnivorous? Herbivore? Agh no, I can’t just guess that for the sake of guessing, that’s the same problem! Hrm, it’s tough making these assumptions now that everything I thought I knew has been turned on its head.
Nevermind, I’ll focus on the other thing. All the trees make me think they’re arboreal, that seems to be a reasonable assumption. I wonder what else they-
Clearing his throat, Bernard broke my concentration, his call for attention silencing the murmuring conversation and redirecting everyone's focus to the lecturer's podium.
His gaze panned across the room as he waited for everyone to settle, a beaming smile lighting up his face, “As ever I’m delighted to see you all get so into the subject matter from the get go. I’m looking forward to hearing what you were discussing should you wish to share. For now though, how about we get started, hm?”
A chorus of merry bleats rang out from across the audience, ears and tails flicking happily in agreement. Bernard's grin grew in tandem with the class's fervour, clasping his hands together enthusiastically as he launched into the lesson, “Excellent! Then let’s get started.”
The pictures on screen dissolved away until only one remained, enlarging to cover the entire monitor with the fluffy grey face of a Koala peacefully reclining in the crook of a tree.
“Ah, there we are,” Bernard’s baritone timbre drifted through the room as he looked up at the image, his own tone reflecting the relaxed attitude of the animal on screen, “He looks so comfortable doesn’t he? Perfectly at peace with the world, not too surprising considering they sleep almost 20 hours a day. A full paw!”
A wave of beeps and gasps rippled through the herd, punctuated by a single yawn-dressed comment from Rova, “A full paw? Hwuuu… jealous.”
Her drowsy remark elicited several whistling giggles from the herd, Bernard's own jovial chortle joining them as he turned to face her, “Late evening Rova?”
I twisted a little in my seat, panning an eye in Rova’s direction just in time to see her bleary eyes bulge open and her ears shoot up, now intensely aware of the fact she hadn’t been as quiet as she thought she had.
Sitting up abruptly, she hastily tapped down errant tufts of wool that’d flared in surprise as she composed herself, though her nervousness at becoming the centre of the class's attention was still plain for all to hear, “Uh- I um… achem, a little bit yes, um- …sorry. Lokki dragged me out to a movie viewing in the rec centre. It went on pretty late.”
A melodramatic bray from the other side of the room drew everyone's ears away from Rova to the now aghast Lokki, paw splayed across his chest in faux indignation, “Dragged you? Well excuse me for trying to broaden your horizons with human movies. That’ll be the list time I- …Ahaaaa…”
Lokki’s theatrics were cut short by a heavy yawn of his own, a swell of whistling laughter rolling through the herd as vibrant bloom lit up his snout, a sight that elicited a particularly amused bleat from Rova.
Turning away from the duo I looked back at Bernard, pleased to see that he was chuckling along with us. Behaviour like Lokki’s would never have been tolerated in my school and university days but, in stark contrast, Bernard revelled in it, the liveliness of his students fueling his own bombastic style of teaching. It was a pleasant change of pace having a teacher who let us all be ourselves in class; provided we weren’t too disruptive to the lesson plan.
Speaking of which.
His laughter still rumbling through the air, Bernard clapped his hands to pull everyone's focus back to him, “Ok, ok, let’s get back to it then shall we? Rova. Lokki. Hopefully the two of you can stay awake long enough until you can grab yourselves a coffee.”
As the class settled down and the last few giggling beeps petered out, Benard pointed a hand to the screen, “So, the Koala. Let’s start simple shall we? They are herbivorous marsupials native to the eastern and southern coasts of Australia. Easily recognised the world over, they are a well known and beloved symbol of their homeland, along with other animals such as the Kangaroo and the Emu. The former of which you might remember from one of our earlier lectures.”
Indeed I did remember, along with how angry Bernard had gotten after some speh-head had derided the Yotul after he explained how he held specific disdain for such attitudes.
Uuuggghh… I never want to see him angry again. So chilling.
I shook my ears in an effort to dismiss the unpleasant memory, panning my eyes back to the monitor to try and distract myself by inspecting the Koala’s physical appearance once more. Thankfully, by some Star's blessed intervention, Bernard had the exact same idea.
“Koala’s are rather squat in stature, ranging around sixty to eighty-five centimetres in length and weighing little more than fifteen to sixteen kilograms at their full size. As you can see, the fur of this fellow before you is a lovely silvery grey, but their fur can also sport a chocolaty brown hue as well. Arguably the most distinctive part of their appearance is their head, being rather large for their body size and having rounded ears, a large nose, and a pair of small eyes. These are often brown but variations do occur.”
It didn’t slip past my notice that Bernard didn’t bother to point out that the Koala’s eyes were forward facing. I didn’t think he’d simply forgotten, so perhaps he just felt it wasn’t necessary given that he’d already stated it was herbivorous. Either way, no one stuck up a paw or tail to question him.
“Now this will hardly be surprising considering how long they sleep, but Koala’s are largely sedentary and it’s rather easy to see why when you have a look into the contents of their diet.”
With the press of a button the Koala on screen was replaced by images of vibrant green vegetation. Soaring trees and flowering shrubbery weaved together across landscape framed pictures pulled admiring trills from the herd, the diversity of the plant life being shown standing as a reminder that it wasn’t only animal life that flourished on Earth.
After giving everyone the chance to take in the picturesque scenes, Bernard casually hammered that point home, “This is eucalyptus or, more accurately, a choice selection of more than 700 plants belonging to the eucalyptus genus, though the Koala itself favours 30 of them in particular.”
700!? Stars…
Realising that my ears had drooped in my momentary awe, I twisted them back to tune into the lesson, only for them to splay out in shock at the next words to come out of Bernard's mouth.
“The leaves of these plants are the primary food source of the Koala and there are a couple things worth mentioning when talking about these plants. For starters they do not have much nutritional or caloric value, leading to the Koala’s low-energy lifestyle. Additionally, they contain toxic compounds.”
A shiver instantly ran through the herd, ears flicking rapidly in confusion and alarm followed by a few quizzical whispers. It didn’t take long for someone to decide to give a proper voice to the murmuring.
“Excuse me Doctor. Did we hear that right? Their diet is made up of toxic flora?” Vlek’s grumbling incredulity cut through the herd's mutterings with ease. Until Kailo’s recent change of heart, the fifty something rotation old blonde Venlil had been a close second in terms of scepticism. Mercifully his rebuttals had always been relevant questions as opposed to ranting diatribes, so he at least remained on topic if nothing else.
Bernard nodded in confirmation, smiling back at Vlek while absentmindedly twirling the end of his moustache, “You heard me right, they do indeed consume plants that are toxic. Just not to them.”
Any worry or uncertainty still clinging to the herd was swept away by the provision of the glaringly obvious answer, leaving me chuckling inwardly at the oversight.
Ah of course! The plant might be poisonous but they’ll have evolved to deal with that. Stars… I’m so used to expecting the unexpected with Earth that I didn’t even consider the simplest solution.
“I see, thank you Doctor,” Vlek replied, a tinge of interest still audible in his tone, “I assume they’ve developed some adaptation to become immune to the harmful effects?”
The question immediately evoked a smirk from our teacher, but he hurriedly suppressed it while bobbing his head, “They have indeed. There are several factors that aid in their digestion of eucalyptus leaves without succumbing to the plant's baleful properties. The first is a part of the intestinal tract called the cecum. It contains a microbiome that allows the Koala to digest the eucalyptus. Coupled with this is an enzyme in the Koala’s liver that helps them break down the toxins. They are also capable of sniffing out the plants with the least amount of toxins, ensuring that they ingest as little as possible.”
Pausing for a breath Bernard looked back at the screen before turning to face us, another grin curling at the edges of his mouth as he continued with his explanation, “This is mostly for adult Koala’s, because while their young also possess these same adaptations, they don’t just go straight to munching through foliage right after being born. No, they need a little help making that jump and getting a stomach full of all that good gut bacteria. It’s nothing bad, but those of a sensitive stomach may wish to prepare themselves for this next part.”
Bernard’s assurances did little to assuage the concern that his warning had foisted upon us. Having been exposed to so much of the weirdness Earth had to offer everyone always ended up on edge whenever Bernard gave advice like this, even if he did say it in jest.
What strange nonsense thing do Koala pups do then? Judging by the way he’s acting it probably isn’t something as simple as drinking milk from the mother. Hmmm…
“So,” Bernard began, snapping us from our pensive stupor, “Young Koala’s, known as joeys, have a gestation period of thirty-five days on average, which is approximately forty-two paws. Once born they travel from the birth canal to a pouch in their mother so that they can continue to develop and grow. In the pouch the joey finds and latches onto one of two teats and these provide the newborn with a steady stream of nourishing milk. It spends the next six to seven months growing in the pouch, its eyes, ears, and fur all developing as time goes on.”
Okay, interesting. But this is exactly how I thought it’d go. What’s different?
The unexpected normalcy of the Koala’s birth and growth cycle had calmed everyone's nerves, only to be replaced with an air of suspicion as we waited with rapt attention for Bernard to drop the other claw and upend our expectations like he always did.
Not wanting to keep us in further suspense he forged ahead, the tempo of his voice picking up as the smile started to crease his face once more, “Now to make the switch from milk to eucalyptus, the mother also feeds the joey a substance called pap. It comes from the cecum I mentioned earlier, and contains all the gut bacteria required to help the young Koala in making the switch to eucalyptus.”
He stopped and looked around, searching us for a reaction to what I felt was a rather bland statement of fact. What was it he was saying without actually saying? Koala pups drink milk to mature and then include this pap substance so that they can start eating plants. I don’t see what-
The cecum is part of the intestine.
I blinked.
I blinked again, the intrusive interruption scouring my brain clean of any other thought bar the one it’d just implanted itself in the forefront of my mind.
Oh stars. They-
“They eat their own poop!?”
The shocked bleat shattered the peace of the room to reveal that most if not all of us had come to the same tail curling conclusion. As the hall filled with unrestrained vocalisations of disgust, an ‘Ugh’ over here and a ‘Blegh’ over there, Bernard’s own bellowing laughter joined the throng of voices.
“Ha! Everytime! Each and every time. Clearly it doesn’t matter if my students are Human or Venlil. Whenever someone learns about the Koala’s dietary development the reaction is the same!”
Pleased with himself beyond reason, Bernard chuckled away while the rest of us grappled with this ghastly reality. While there were plenty of animals that feasted on things that ranged from simply unappealing all the way to the stomach churningly grotesque, I’d never heard of an animal that actively consumed the excrement of its own species. Benefits aside, the prospect of having to do that to survive to adulthood sent a shiver of revulsion down my spine.
Ewww… Stars, I hope I forget this feeling by 2nd meal. They’re serving sturen and magamroot stew later. I was really looking forward to it.
With the herds mood beginning to temper Bernard tapped the podiums controls, removing the verdant collage of eucalyptus to display several similar yet distinct environments, still chortling merrily to himself in the process, “Ok then, with that little foray into their diet complete, why don’t we look at their habitat in more detail? As you might imagine given their diet and arboreal nature, Koala’s live in forested regions, and can be found in tropical and temperate zones. About a century ago they were classed as a vulnerable species, however efforts were made to turn this around and increase their numbers. Sadly the largest factor in their decline was human activity, as the fertile lands that gave rise to their bountiful forests were coveted farm land for our settlements.”
It was strange to hear Bernard so matter of factly admit to humanity's negative impacts on other species. He’d alluded to such things in the past but always with an air of caution, carefully pawing the line between honestly answering a question while not painting humanity as uncaring and destructive. AKA, the ‘predators’ we’d all initially expected them to be.
Perhaps his comfort in making such admissions was a reflection of the class's comfort with him, for no one so much as batted an ear. Even Kailo, who I would’ve expected to jump at the chance to use this as a prime example of predatory danger, only flicked an ear in stern yet silent concern.
A cough from Bernard drew my attention back, a new picture on screen that showed a forest from a bird's-eye view. Drawn across the image were around a dozen ringed areas, some bordering one another while others overlapped to some degree. It took me a moment, but I soon recognised that what I was looking at was a map, the rings representing what I assumed to be territories. And it didn’t take much effort to guess who each one belonged to.
“From habitats we move onto behaviours, so let’s start with territories. Koala’s are solitary animals. Yes, despite being herbivores. Considering they’re only awake for roughly four hours of the day I can hardly blame them. Lots to do and not a lot of time to do it. Jokes aside, once they mature they are quite independent, carving out a little slice of land for themselves, as displayed in this example, called a Home Range. That is not to say they go it alone and leave everything else behind however. Rather, as shown in the map behind me, they live in their own space while still being part of a larger social group.”
With another press of his pad the picture was updated to show one of two symbols in each segment, along with a key to the side of the map displayed in helpful Venlang. A quick glance told me that the symbols were representing whether the territory belonged to a male or female of the species.
“As you can see there is quite a bit of overlap between different Koala’s territories. It is in these areas that most of the socialising takes place between neighbours. The trees in these locations represent the few areas where intrusion across territories is acceptable for the sake of social interaction. Outside of that the Koala’s stick to their own territories for the most part, with the exceptions of Koala’s who are passing through, attempting to become part of the social group themselves, or dominant males who sometimes go off into another Koala’s range. But how do they know where one range begins and another range ends you might ask? Well, this brings us onto the next part of the lecture. How do Koala’s communicate?”
Wiping away the map from the monitor, Bernard loaded up a video of a Koala sitting in a tree and pressed play. Head held high, the Koala’s body shook as it belted out a reverberating call into the wilderness that could only be described as a garbled combination of a car engine failing to turn over mixed with the hiccups of someone with a particularly sore throat.
That’s how they sound? Oof that must be rough on the lungs.
I clearly wasn’t the only one to share such a thought, because I clocked Sandi tracing a paw along her neck as the noise went on, ears fluttering in discomfort at the noise.
Bernard himself cleared his own throat as the video came to an end, minimising it and replacing it with another image of a tree with a Koala rubbing up against the bark, “I think they’ve got me beat on who’s got the deeper voice!”
His joke garnered several amused beeps, a rare reaction that caused a beaming smile to shine across his face at lighting speed, “Oh you’re too kind. I’ll be here all week. Now where were we? Oh yes! Communication. As you’ve just heard, Koala’s are capable of loud low pitched bellows that can carry over vast distances. These express everything from ‘Hello I’m over here’ to ‘This is my turf, stay away’. Bellowing is more common in the males than the females, opting for shouting matches as opposed to outright fights when it comes to asserting dominance. Other vocal expressions include grunts, wails, and snarls if they’re acting particularly angsty. Mother and joey pairs also communicate through gentle clicking, squeaking, and murmuring sounds. And there’s one more thing worth mentioning. Something they have in common with Humans and Venlil when it comes to emoting.”
Really? They do something we do?
Curious, I pressed myself against the desk, straining as close as I could to once more scrutinise the Koala’s features. Not a lot stood out to me at first, the grey marsupial not sharing many similarities with a Venlil that I could identify.
Ok think. We show emotion with our ears, tails, and our wool on occasion. They don’t have tails so it’s obviously not that. Wool standing on end is more a reaction than a conscious expression. So it must be the ears then.
To my quiet satisfaction, my hunch was soon validated by Bernard, “As well as their vocalisations, Koala’s are very emotive through their facial features. Just like humans, they use their mouths and lips to show how they feel, but these tend more towards the aggressive side of the scale than what you might see on a human. Regarding yourselves however, Koala’s utilise their ears in tandem with their mouth movements when showing strong emotion.”
I was delighted to hear that my assumption was correct, a little happy flick twisting out through my tail and bapping against my chair with a muted thump against the plastic.
Hehe yes! Got one right!
“Now then, we are getting close to lunchtime so I’ll finish this segment off with something I think you’ll find particularly interesting. Diplomacy.”
Perplexed mutterings followed in the wake of the bizarre inclusion to the lecture, my own thoughts being dominated by bewilderment as I tried and failed to make sense of how the two could possibly be related.
Why would Koala’s, or any animal for that matter, be linked to diplomacy? Hmmm...
I could understand dispatching exterminators to deal with a predator issue as a show of goodwill, that at least includes animals, but Humans aren’t like that so I think I can safely scratch that off the list.
Maybe the humans who live in that region benefited from Koala’s in some way. Could they have gotten something from them? But what?
Hopefully not what the pups get from their mothers.
Agh no! Begone awful intrusive thoughts. Blegh! I don’t need that in my head.
As I wrestled with the short-lived revulsion inflicted upon me by my Star's damned subconscious, Bernard placed a new image on screen, one that was decidedly different from all that had preceded it.
On screen were more than a couple dozen pictures of humans. Some were pictured alone while others congregated in large groups while cameras surrounded them from all angles. Across all the images, I noted two common themes. First of all, a solid majority of the humans were wearing formal wear similar to what I’d seen worn by UN representatives on TV. If the gaggle of journalists in the background of the photos didn’t already confirm my suspicions, then it was this similarity which made me conclude they were all people of some importance. Likely politicians judging from context clues.
Secondly, each of the individuals was interacting with a Koala in some form. Some cradled one against their chests while others were feeding it eucalyptus leaves or pellets of some kind. One of the assumed politicians had become an impromptu bed for a snoozing bundle of fur, a gleeful smile spread across their face as they lovingly gazed down at the sleeping Koala in their lap.
As I continued to stare at the assorted photos something clicked into place, a sudden spark flickering into life. A burgeoning light of comprehension that flared and swelled with every wide-eyed breath I took. Some things still escaped me, things I hoped would soon be explained, but in staring at all of the humans happy smiling faces, I was struck with an instant of pure understanding.
If someone, say a Nevok for instance, offered to gift me a creature that was common to them but which might exotic and breathtaking to a Venlil, how could my feelings not be swayed? How could I walk away from that encounter and not have grown closer to them as a result?
“Koala diplomacy,” Bernard waved his hand up at the monitor, a slight reverence in his tone, “My favourite kind of soft power diplomacy. Where political leaders take photo ops with Koala’s and, on occasion, the Australian government loans Koala’s to other nations for a time to bolster positive relations. It certainly helps that Koala’s are a beloved animal worldwide, drawing large crowds and revenue for countries fortunate enough to host the adorable critters.”
The truly alien concept predictably sparked instant discussion in the herd, two polar opposite schools of thought swiftly cementing themselves as the most popular opinions. Simultaneously, I heard one voice trill excitedly while another scoffed at what they clearly saw as a ridiculous and offensive notion.
“Squee! That’d be so cool! I’d love to get the chance to see a Liri from Coila. Remember the Rainbow Boa? Think of that shimmering effect and colour but put it on a bird! Ah! I’ve only heard their song on video. It’d be a treat to hear it in person!”
Ooo! I’ve read about them! I’d love to get up close to one.
“Loaning. As if animals are property to be hoarded and traded? Pugh! Another predatory trait the humans don’t want to acknowledge for what it is.”
Ugh, typical. Jump right to the worst possible option.
However, despite my dismissal of their disparaging fumings, an uncomfortable thought pressed upon my mind. While it was plain to see how much humans cared for the Koala, it didn’t change the fact that humans did keep animals as property just as the scornful herd member had said.
This begged a rather important, disquieting question. Aside from keeping some animals as cattle, a stomach tightening minefield I had no desire to step a claw onto right now, how else did humans keep other creatures. And how did they treat them?
Before I was fully conscious of doing it my paw was in the air, the question primed on my tongue.
Noticing my elevated paw Bernard pointed at me, smiling warmly, “Yes Rysel? What’s on your mind?”
Sorry Bernard. I hope this one’s not too awkward for you to answer.
Flicking my ear in appreciation, and waiting for everyone to settle enough so that I could be heard, I voiced my concerns as neutrally as possible, “Thank you Doctor. I uh, just had a thought. We know that humans keep certain animals for… particular reasons, and we know why. From how you’ve spoken about Koala’s I think it's fair to say that the same cannot be said for them. However, this makes me wonder, what other reasons do humans have for keeping animals and how do you treat them?”
A flash of surprise blinked across Bernard's eyes but vanished so quickly that it felt like I’d imagined it. Had he not expected such a question? Maybe he was just shocked that it’d been me who’d ended up asking it?
Stars, am I so predictable that no one expects me to ask difficult questions?
Unfortunately, a quick glance at my deskmates seemed to prove that to be the case, as both Sandi and Kailo were looking at me with differing degrees of astonishment flapping in their ears.
Well speh.
“A very good point Rysel, certainly one that’s worth raising. Yet another example of you all anticipating what I have to say before I can bring it up myself.” Bernard tapped the podium, switching off the monitor before returning his focus to me, “We won’t be needing that. I’ve nothing prepared that I can show you and we’re heading to lunch in a few minutes anyway. Still, that’s plenty of time to give you a bit of an answer.”
A bit? What does he mean just a bit?
Made even more curious by Bernard's preempted admission that he wasn’t going to fully answer my query, I dialled both my ears on him, fixing him with an inquisitive stare as he started to explain with a tone that was noticeably more nonchalant than any of his previous explanations.
“So, animals in captivity for reasons other than what you already know. Honestly I would love to delve into other reasons regarding why we keep animals. However, I have a lesson plan in the works that I hope to share with you all in the not too distant future. Some of it touches upon this very topic and I’d quite like to bundle it all together. That said, I can tell you how animals in captivity are treated. In short, the answer is very well. There are a mountain of laws both on private and public interests that govern the standards and ethical treatment of animals, and breaches of these laws are quite severe even for relatively minor infractions.”
While I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by the vague answer to what was really the bulk of my question, I was at least satisfied by Bernard’s assurances that animals in captivity, such as the Koala, were well looked after. Considering the barely subdued grumbling coming from some corners of the audience it was clear that several of the herd didn’t believe Bernard outright, but I trusted him to be honest. Additionally, the mention of an upcoming lecture focused on humans keeping animals caused quite the buzz.
I felt a mix of excitement and trepidation at exploring the topic further. He’d pretty much confirmed we wouldn’t be talking about cattle farms, for which I was relieved, but that still left a huge amount of uncertainty in what was to come.
Humans keeping animals as cattle was a forgone conclusion. As horrifying as that reality was, it was one I could understand from a detached and strictly clinical point of view. Being predators they ate meat and therefore they kept cattle. But the concept of keeping animals for any other reason baffled me.
What could be the purpose? The diplomacy thing makes sense now that I have context, but what other reasons could they have.
The class's discussions were interrupted by the recognisable ring of the break bell, the shift in attention eliciting a change in conversation from confused hypotheses to peppy conversation on how everyone was planning to spend their break and what they had in mind for 2nd meal.
“Well I can see everyone’s excited for lunch, and who am I to disappoint,” chuckling Bernard waved us all up from our seats, pocketing his pad from the podium and heading to open the classroom door for us, “Enjoy your break, get a good rest along with a hearty meal, and I’ll see you all back here at the usual time.”
As everyone else filed out I stayed behind, waving at Sandi and Kailo as they left, and pawing over to Bernard once he and I were the only ones left in the room.
Ears folded down and with an apologetic tinge in my voice I greeted him as I sidled up to him, “Hey Bernard, I uh… sorry if that last question was unexpected.”
Chortling in reply, Bernard waved a hand through the air in a sign I’d come to understand meant ‘not a problem’.
“No need to apologise Rysel. It was a good question and most certainly not a problem.”
Heh, called it.
I sighed, allowing tension I didn’t realise I’d been holding to relax itself from my shoulders, “Phew, that’s a relief. I’m glad. I’m curious to hear what this new lesson is you’ve got in store for us by the way.”
Bernard wagged a finger at me, throwing up his eyebrows in mock amazement, “Oh are you now? Well I’m afraid you’ll have to remain curious for the time being. It’s going to be quite the surprise if all goes to plan. But…”
He trailed off, glancing at me before looking to the door like he was making sure no one else was around.
Wait, is he going to tell me? Oh please yes let me know now!
Stopping myself from jumping on the spot in excited anticipation, and trying my damndest to stop my tail from wagging in equal measure, I stared up at Bernard as he stewed in his thoughts before turning back to face me.
“I can’t tell you the specifics, but I’m working with Alejandro and Tolim to get something together. A trip that’s not a trip as it were. And when it happens, I’m going to need a few of the more accepting members of the class to lend me a hand. I’m hoping you and a couple others will be able to help with that?”
A trip that’s not a trip? What does that mean? Agh who cares about that right now! Bernard’s relying on me to help out!
Still trying not to keep myself from bouncing around with pup like glee I swished my tail and nodded my head in joint agreement, happy to help with whatever Bernard had in store for us, “Of course! Anything you need I’ll be there to lend a paw. You can count on me!”
A broad warm smile lit up Bernard's face, a hand patting me on the shoulder in appreciation, “Thank you Rysel. I knew I could rely on you but it still warms my heart to hear it. And, as thanks for this and for the many times you’ve shown your support, the surprise includes a little something special I think you’d appreciate the most.”
If my earlier enthusiasm had been at a nine, then the implication of a supposed gift sent it rocketing all the way to a hundred in a heartbeat.
“Wait… WHAT!? What do you mean? What are you doing?”
As impossible as it seemed, Bernard's grin grew even wider as I almost lost myself in wool shaking exhilaration, “Call it my own form of Koala diplomacy. But I’m afraid that’s all I can say for now. Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise even for you!”
“Oh you ass!” Whistling jovially I bapped my tail against Bernard’s leg in fake indignation, evoking a barking bellowing laugh from the man himself.
Still laughing, the two of us departed the class and made for the canteen, my rumbling stomach leading me on while my mind spun with fantastical thoughts as to what Bernard had prepared for us.
And what specifically he had in store for me.

Hi all! After a crazy, but incredibly fun and rewarding year earning my pilot certs, I wanted to make a write-up of my experience in hopes that it’ll be helpful for any other aspiring or current pilots. To summarize, I went from zero aviation experience to CFII in 13 months, Part 61, paying as I go and on the pretty cheap side. I do want to emphasize that I was ~incredibly~ lucky and had some very generous people who helped me out, and I could not have done this as efficiently and cheaply if it weren’t for them. I’m going to list all my takeaways below, but I think my biggest piece of advice is to network as much as you can because there are some amazing, generous people in this community that want to see us all succeed.
Background:
For context, I’m in my mid to late twenties and have been in the workforce for about 5 years. Through a combination of factors I decided to make a career switch to professional pilot but was hesitant because I did not want to take on debt. I have a family member who is an airline pilot who helped me devise a plan. I moved home and kept working my job remotely so I was able to put all my paychecks towards flying.
Private Pilot – 3 months, 75 hours TT, $12k
I did my private in a Piper Archer owned by my local FBO. The owner allowed my family member to be my instructor and gave me a small discount for pre-paying hours. We flew almost daily. I also took ground school at another local FBO in-person, and that was much more helpful than having to learn everything on my own because I was brand new to aviation. I took the private written exam as soon as my ground school concluded which was also the week of my checkride (bad idea in hindsight, but it worked out).
I solo’d around 25 hours and took my checkride with about 60 hours in the Archer (15 additional hours were in a friend’s airplane). The checkride was challenging, but straightforward and I was well prepared. The DPE said good things about me afterward and I was officially a private pilot! I’d be happy to answer questions or do a writeup in a separate post on any of my checkrides but for the sake of brevity I’ll skip that for now.
~Key takeaways from private:~
Fly as often as possible and make sure your instructor is aligned with that. Also stay on top of ground school. Also, don’t rush to take the checkride before you’re ready, it’s okay to have a lot of practice first. Lastly, I know DPE availability is a big issue in lots of areas and can cause people to have to wait on a checkride even though they’ve been ready for months. In my experience, if you try hard enough and call around, you will find someone. However, it might mean you have to travel a little bit which I know is not possible for everyone.
Instrument – 2 months, 150 hours TT, $14k
I was feeling a little fatigued after private so I was slow to start studying for instrument. I started by doing a lot of flying for fun, mainly flying in the Archer by myself on little cross countries to check off some of the requirements (in hindsight I should have found someone to split time with).
I did my instrument at a flight school in one of the adjacent states. This particular school specializes in accelerated programs, but they do not have a formalized instrument course. I went in-person and spoke with the director of flight operations to discuss my options. Since I had to take PTO to do this, the goal was to finish my instrument in one week with the checkride at the end. I paid a flat rate for the airplane and instructor time. I also stayed over there during that week so I had to pay for housing as well.
Before I went over there, I did some prep in the Archer that I did my private in and took the written exam (Sheppard air). I also purchased Sporty’s Instrument course and used that to prep and for the endorsement needed to take the written. The week I spent at the flight school was honestly a blast, and I was able to take my checkride on day 7 with 20 hours in the plane and about 4 hours of sim time. Again, happy to discuss the checkride in the comments or another post.
~Key takeaways from instrument:~
TAKE THE IRA, FII, AND IGI EXAMS AT THE SAME TIME. You only have to purchase the IRA Sheppard course and can take all 3 exams back to back. Also, again stay on top of ground school because instrument flying requires a lot of technical knowledge. But it honestly is really fun!
Commercial – 3 months, 263 hours TT, $8k
The biggest challenge for commercial was time building, of course. This is where networking saved me. I made friends with another instructor who frequented my local FBO who also owns a plane. He needed the time as well so we flew together a lot and I paid for the fuel. I also had another friend at the airport who owns a plane that he doesn’t fly often and offered to let me time build in that (again, I’ve been so lucky to come across some very generous people).
I did my checkride in the Archer that I learned in with my family member signing me off, and with the same DPE who did my private. Commercial was probably the easiest one I had done so far, but it still was no joke! I will say I was amazed with how much easier things came to me by this point versus when I first started, which was a great feeling.
~Key takeaways from commercial:~
Network, network, network. Spend as much time as you can at your local FBO or flight school and make friends with everyone. Like I’ve said, there are some very generous people out there who love to help out new pilots, and I could not have made it this far without them.
Also, in retrospect, it would have been a really good idea to have done commercial from the right seat. I’ve heard of a lot of people doing that and if I had, I would have been able to knock out CFI a lot sooner and cheaper.
Multi-engine add-on – 1 week, 298 hours TT, $4.3k
Shortly after getting my CPL, I had a week of PTO and decided to knock out my multi add-on. I found a flight school with a Seminole and got ahold of their MEI, and we figured we could knock it out during that week. I contacted the DPE who did my private and commercial and we scheduled my checkride for the end of the week. This flight school was about 2 hours driving from home, and I was able to stay with friends while I was there.
This one was a little challenging because this was in January in the midwest and we were seeing a lot of low IFR days. We ended up getting weathered out the first half of the week, but luckily the Seminole was an easy transition for me and we got me trained up in 3 days, 8 hours of flying. I took the checkride as scheduled and passed (I will say I have had extremely good luck with weather for all of my checkride days so far).
Sidenote: Prior to this checkride, I also took the AGI and IGI exams and asked the DPE who did my multi checkride to sign off on the ground instructor certificate at the same time. I did this because I’ve heard it helps when applying to CFI jobs (shows a little extra effort) and it was easier to do it this way versus having a FSDO issue the cert. Cost me $50 to the DPE.
~Key takeaways from multi:~
Do your research to find an airplane at a good rate. I paid $395 per hour which included the instructor, but I’ve seen some schools charging a lot more. Also, I looked into schools with accelerated courses that you pay as a package, and based on my experience I would not recommend because I was able to do it much cheaper my way.
My instructor did a good job of making sure I knew all the aircraft systems well enough to teach them in case I go for my MEI (which I would like to do soon). Since the MEL is light on material, I highly recommend this. Also, when I was doing research I was told to look for a Seminole or DA-42 because they’re easy trainers, which I would agree with based on my limited experience.
CFI – 1 month (on top of all my experience thus far), 316 hours TT, $5k
This was the scariest one for me. I had heard all along that CFI is the hardest and longest checkride and for the most part I would agree. I originally was planning on going to a school with an accelerated program for this, but after asking around I decided to do it on my own (with my family member signing me off).
This one was heavy on ground school. I got some lesson plans from various people as I heard that’s what everyone has prepared for the checkride, but I hardly ended up using them. I also had a friend send me PowerPoints he made for the technical subject areas. I edited them/made them my own and these are what I ended up using for the checkride along with a couple props.
As far as studying goes, the thing I found most helpful was watching random YouTube videos before bed every night. Although it was all review, I picked up a lot of tidbits that weren’t quite drilled into my brain as I still feel new to aviation overall. As the DPE described it, to be a good CFI you basically need to be a nerd about everything aviation and that’s what I tried to do. I would guess that I studied a few hours a day for a month and a half or so. As for the flying part, I had a little bit of right seat experience prior to buckling down for CFI (probably under 5 hours), so I’d guess it took me about 5 more hours to feel comfortable in the right seat. I took the checkride with the same DPE who did my private, commercial, and multi and passed! The checkride was 8 hours total so definitely a long day. As we were debriefing, I went ahead and scheduled CFII with him as well.
~Key takeaways from CFI:~
Start nerding out now (if you aren’t already). Keep a running collection of links and videos that explain concepts well or teach you something interesting, they will be useful for the checkride. Also, don’t buy lesson plans. As my DPE put it, there are really only like 5 lesson plans for any given topic and we all steal them from each other, so no need to reinvent the wheel or pay for them if someone else can give them to you. I’d also recommend really getting to know the PTS, because it lays out very clearly what you are required to do on the checkride (for example you know you’re going to need to teach runway incursions so it’s a good opportunity to be really prepared). I’m sure my last point is most applicable to those doing CFI on their own since you won’t have a school telling you exactly what to expect.
CFII – 1 month, 368 hours TT, $1.3k
CFII was possibly the easiest checkride to prepare for. I did this one in a friend’s airplane – a Mooney with a G750 and GFC 500 autopilot. It probably took about 10 hours of flying (I already have lots of time in this plane) to be ready. For studying, I reviewed Pilot Cafe, YouTube videos, and obtained some lesson plans from a friend. I did not use PowerPoints or anything for this one. I also had already completed the written exam back when I did my instrument rating. I’m not sure what else to say about this one, but I did it with the same DPE again and passed. It feels amazing to be done with checkrides for a while!
~Key takeaways from CFII:~
Select an airplane with a good autopilot. This made the flying portion of the checkride super easy. For the oral, I highly recommend working with instructors who send students for a lot of instrument checkrides. I feel like there are so many very specific questions that DPEs like to ask on instrument/CFII checkrides, so it helps if you have someone who knows what those questions are going to be. Also, FlightInsight on YouTube and Boldmethod were my favorite resources for this one. Lastly, make sure you know your avionics and autopilot really well, including reading and being able to teach all of the limitations that are in the user manuals.
Notes regarding cost:
I did a decent job of tracking all my expenses throughout this process. I noted in the title that the total cost to me was about $50k, which consists of the ~$45k that I discussed above plus some additional expenses. I also did my commercial ASES rating at Jack Brown’s seaplane base which cost me about $2.5K total (of course this was just for fun). The remaining amount consists of things like buying a headset, books, random accessories, and even some things I called “unnecessary expenses”. I temporarily paid for a membership at a flight school that I barely ended up using, so I put that in that category. While I did everything pretty cheap, I was definitely not perfect!
Here is a further breakdown of my expenses:
Airplane rentals/fuel - $36.9k
Instructor fees - $2.5k (bear in mind I got a lot of free instruction from friends & family)
Ground school - $1.3k (includes actual ground school and books)
Flight accessories - $1.2k
Written exam fees - $1.2k (8 exams total)
DPE fees - $5.8k (7 checkrides; this includes seaplane)
Medical fees - $290
Housing - $900
Misc/unnecessary expenses - $1.2k
Total: $51.7k
Overall Takeaways:
- For those doing Part 61/pay as you go, I highly recommend finding an independent instructor with a flexible schedule. This was key for me because I had a work schedule to work around.
- NETWORKING/MAKING FRIENDS. Go to every fly-in you can, always stop into the FBO to say hi to people, etc. etc. Having friends in aviation was monumentally helpful for me and saved me SO much money. Cannot stress this enough!
- If you are on a timeline, make sure you set specific milestones and when you are going to hit them. Make sure your instructor is on board too.
- Do your research! Reddit has been a fantastic resource for me throughout this process. Talk to people who have achieved the things you want to achieve. I really cannot thank you all enough for all your help and insights on your experiences!
Again, I am more than happy to answer any and all questions. I also apologize if anything is jumbled or confusing; this took a long time to write and I’m sure I missed things. I will also disclaim that while I did a good job of tracking all my expenses, I was not perfect and YMMV for sure. I just hope this gave a somewhat helpful picture for those hoping to do something similar to what I did.
As for next steps, I am aiming for the airlines one of these days! I have a couple interviews at flight schools coming up so I am planning to quit my job and finally start flying full-time soon. I want to do my MEI sometime soon as well but I haven’t figured out how I’m going to pay for the PIC time yet.
I also want to say that I absolutely love general aviation and hope to always be involved in it. I have made so many friends, had some incredible experiences, and learned way more than I could have ever imagined in the past year. For anyone thinking about flying, hopefully this is your sign to just do it! Feel free to comment with questions!

So i recently got into self hosting and all that, i have managed to do lots and learned lots, now i have a problem. So when i first started using nextcloud it was wierd i didnt use docker compose i only used docker, everything was a mess i didnt figure out how to do stuff. After a while i got everything working started with docker compose and others. i managed to host seafile, filebrowser, nextcloud, ownfile and probaly another. Everything works im using ubuntu server on a proxmox vm. though i have this one issue which is not game breaking its just very limiting. the reason i switch and tried so many hosting services was because i didnt manage to get over one problem even though how hard i look and i think it might be a problem on my network part. So when i upload and download for that matter on local ip its about as fast as i want it but i could be faster, though i think this is because of my internett speed 300 mbps or my usb 3.0 externall ssd. upload is about 450 mpbs i though download was always higher but i guess not, my router is connected via 10 gpbs fiber connection.
it download and uploads at about 30 mb/s which is ok and i can work with, though when i port forward and use a reverse proxy like nginx proxy manager web ui, i get like 10 mb/s which is not good considiring im planning on uploading files as big as 50 GB or more, download is even slower, im using a seagate external ssd with usb 3.0 i am using ethernet though it is connect to a wifi extender. this is mighty annoying and i have tuckeld with chunk size and its not helping. i tried to only port forward and not use proxy, same slow downlaod and upload i have a domain and everything. the pc im uplaodin and dowlnoad from has fast enough internett. it seems like the only time where speed is decreased is when i port forward local network is just fine. On my router i changed dns and i feel like i have done everything i can execpt for isp provider talk which i am not keen on doing. im using postgres, and it seems like every service once forwarded get limited to 10 mb/s though it slowly climbs up, takes a good 7 to 15 sec

-Disclaimer: This is an examination of Dottore being a complex morally grey villain that wasn't just born 100% evil, it's NOT a case that he's a good boy.-
I'll assume Zandik is Dottore since it's very likely (plus, someone tried to name their Wanderer that but it didn't work.)
Let's start with the oldest piece of lore:
-- Doctor's Pinion reveals a tragic past with unknown reasons for persecution --
When Pierro first tried to recruit Zandik / Dottore, he responded:

"Will you treat me like the Akademiya did? Will you call me a monster, a madman?" "Or will you treat me as my hometown did, and chase me away with pitchforks and clubs...?"

Some people assume the persecution was because of his experiments but it's important to note that the fact is we don't know what happened so there's a chance it wasn't something evil. That he could be chased away by "pitchforks and clubs" indicates he was weak at that point and couldn't do anything to stop it.
He also expresses a desire to merge humans with machines.

"With or without a Vision, and irrespective of their physique or combat skills,"Enhanced humans" would surely display strength far beyond the average."

This shows a desire to give power to the weak (likely including himself), even if they lack visions. Which isn't inherently a bad thing, it's just against the Akademiya's teachings. This applies even to Scaramouche, whose power had been locked by Raiden and he unlocked it.
-- Mysterious moral convictions --
Although a lot of the fandom accuses him of having no ethics or morals at all, there are several hints that this isn't the case.
He got mad at Scaramouche when told: "you only care about your crazy experiments" and told Nahida he has "his own convictions, we just don't share them" which were both conveniently not further explained. There is also the Jeht quest incident but i'll discuss it later on.
-- Eleazar hospital notes --
To briefly summarize the notes, he cured a patient using another dead patient's remains. His treatment was harsh but successful. These notes read like a Dr. House script, Dottore not giving a crap about the patient's religious beliefs included.
Abbas had a terrible ending because he had developed insanity and ran away. Zandik/ Dottore left a note warning not to let him go but it seems the staff didn't listen.
These notes align with how plague doctors were misunderstood and feared in real life. This motif was incorporated into his video game iteration, replacing the joker / clown persona.
Some people interpreted these notes as "Dottore murders and mutilates people that are alive for experiments" but there's no indication of that.
-- Aranara experiment notes --
These are the worst by far. It's unclear if the "subjects" were people with Eleazar or healthy people exposed to the withering for tests. It has to be pointed out that it seems the actions were done by his subordinates since it's likely Dottore reprimanding them at the end:

"This is a waste of resources. It is advisable to watch over the subjects' mental state in the next experiment and avoid exposing them to extreme environments... Lab Lead on duty: ████"

Yes, this sounds bad but it's proof he isn't a sadist that enjoys watching pain.
It also means he is higher in a moral standpoint than characters like Jack Horner. These type of characters don't care or enjoy deaths with the pretext of "we can always get more lackeys."
-- During the Jeht quest --
Froderock (a subordinate of Dottore) wants to capture an eremite. It is stated he is acting on his own and that Dottore gave an order not to kidnap eremites.
A note by another Fatui member states that Froderock is going to get killed for going against the order. We can theorize that the Harbinger himself would kill him. There's also a line about "following military regulations" which means his subordinates operate under a code and can't just kidnap people for experiments for the lols.

Fatui Negotiator: Professor Froderock was looking for live specimens in the desert — he always defied The Doctor's orders... That's just pure jealousy, if you ask me
...I urge you to consider, Captain Zoya, that if we are able to complete this research work in the desert, perhaps our entire expeditionary force may receive the favor of our great Harbinger... (This line has been crossed out using a red pen, and a line in red has been added: "How about you consider military regulations? Or perhaps you would like to consider how long you have left to live?")

A similar thing happened with Arlecchino in the Fortune Slip quest in Inazuma. Subordinates of her were acting on their own by following the previous Knave's teachings to make some orphans for the House.
-- Time of Insight Artifact --
It mentions a "mad scientist expelled by the akademia" and the text under it seems to be Dottore speaking.
The last part says:

"Those sellswords (Eremites) once did much for me. I trust they will not disappoint this time, either."

Combining Jeht quest with this makes it seem that eremites helped Dottore in some way and he is fond enough of them to slaughter a subordinate that brings them harm.
The following text seems (edit- Bakenekmoon brought the point that there's another scientist that wanted to capture them) be Dottore's reason to want to capture Aranaras:

"The dream had to be captured — along with the inhabitants of the forest who could control dreams, To remind that friend once again of one's own form and the memories that were shared.
If the organ that governs memory has taken too much damage and cannot be healed, Then bring another old friend and dwell in dreams of the past together, Play in a small tree house, and explore the limitless depth of the jungle. Yes, that would be nice as well. For in dreams, everyone has a chance to start over."

I couldn't find more info about this "friend". It seems to be someone who suffered the effects of erosion or death, or an aranara that lost their memory.
-- Al Haitham's SQ --
Alhaitham: (To Siraj / the villain, after praising his intelligence)

"You would never let a test subject escape. Mistakes like that are beneath you, and you also won't leave any mistake without a resolution."

This is relevant because we know Dottore is canonically smarter than Siraj yet he didn't hunt down Collei (Barnabas is the one that traumatized and wanted to kill her), Abbas or Scara. It's a known thing there's a Fatui code that traitors and deserters are executed to avoid spilling secrets. Dottore leaves even Scara alone, you may argue that he was lazy but suspiciously Childe, who during Labyrinth Warriors was chasing Scara, soon appeared in Inazuma in a photo taking event, leaving for Snezhnaya, after Scara lost his gnosis.
It was never explained why Childe was chasing him to take away the Gnosis yet suddenly Scara appeared with Dottore without Childe. This is suspicious because Childe loves to fight, to the point he wanted to fight Arle while recovering on her SQ. He didn't even show up to finish off Scaramouche at the end.
To play Devil's advocate, it could also be Scaramouche is a part of some unknown plan too and nothing to do with mercy.
-- Dottore's speech to Niwa --
Taking into account Nahida's story that says: "the monster found solace in the kitten", the black bird referring to himself as "a monstrosity yet they are too foolish to see it" and Dottore's lines to Pierro:

"Will you call me a monster, a madman?"

Dottore sees himself as an inhuman monster. It puts into question if the following line wasn't just about Scaramouche and is actually a metaphor of Dottore speaking about his past:

"Escher: Even without you, that pure, innocent puppet would only end up being used by someone else instead. What other reason would a human have for befriending one who is not of our kind?"

Although Dottore refers to himself as "human", the two lines I quoted previously contradict this. Mentally he sees himself as not human (to the point of finding solace in a living puppet), even though his words say otherwise. There is also a chance this Dottore was no longer human at all, the Nahida story shows the monster bird had tiny floating birds around, even though he hadn't studied Scaramouche to create the segments.
There is also a stark contrast between Dottore joining the Fatui expresing concern over been rejected again yet he is embracing his monster persona in the Niwa scene.

"Escher: Think of me as a monster or a demon, if you wish... "

It could be a sign of a person with trauma who steered into an evil path. Kept getting called a monster until he accepted it.
There could be many reasons for the change, besides being used, -incoming pure speculation- he could have experimented on himself to have less emotions or taking this quote into account: "everyone has a chance to start over in dreams" he believes he can commit atrocities and it won't matter because he plans to do a reset somehow.

" The Doctor: Jester, I have completed the task you gave me. Creating a gap and infiltrating Inazuma's inner workings... Heh, what fun it was. The Doctor: I'd like to introduce a puppet to you. If he proves useful, let's make him our newest comrade. And if not... let's turn him to dust."

The bold part is more clues of either future Scara related scheming or Dottore's words are an act, mercy was shown when he became useless. It also seems that Pierro stirred him into a darker path.
I wouldn't say it's confirmation that Pierro is pure evil because we barely know anything about him, there's a chance it was for some greater good since that's a trend with the Harbingers.
-- Possible Sohreh murder --
At first glance, it seems way too obvious that Zandik did it, it's like watching a murder mystery movie and the first suspect is a red herring.
Since people frequently incorrectly state: "Dottore murdered a girl while they were having a picnic" like a fact, I'm going to make a deep dive into these notes:
First there is no clear motive for him killing Sohreh. (Niwa had a purpose.)

attack of Rishboland Tigers. In need of first aid..."

The bold part implies she was still alive while Zandik was dealing with the Ruin Guard. The broken bone didn't happen during the picnic while he was alone with her. She was declared dead and buried after the attack, she could have been killed during it while everyone was distracted.
-Does the Akademiya think that Zandik is responsible?-
There is a message board that says he was investigated over her murder.
The lack of motive combined with Zandik only receiving negative consequences from saving the team makes me think he was framed and acted on impulse / emotion when saving them or he turned it on to spook the tigers and it accidentally killed her.
Why? He could have just ran away and let everyone die to not reveal he was hiding ruin guard knowledge. Which he expressed on the notes that he didn't want the rest to know:

"I am going to take them (Ruin guards) apart, and record the size and shape one by one...
...But first of all, this secret must not be revealed to the other team members..."
...Thank goodness, Zandik reacted quickly. Otherwise, the whole team would be in serious trouble..."

-Some people argue that "running away and letting everyone die would have been too suspicious so he saved them."
It's more likely he was just a weak regular human at that point in his life so it wouldn't have been too suspicious to run away / he actually risked his life to shut it down.-
The 2 burned notes both state: "Someone seems to have burnt the contents in a hurry" it could have been the person trying to frame him. One of them is a note about the Ruin Guards and has Zandik's signature, they may have wanted to steal credit of his research.
-Regarding who framed Dottore, u/Sandflow_23 commented an excellent theory
lt seems Zandik didn't care much about Sohreh's death since he proceeded to ask the team to take back the Ruinguard while she was bleeding but the Eleazar hospital notes come after this incident. Was this his first instance of curing people?
Did being unable to save someone influence him in some way? It may just be coincidental but it's worth taking note. I'm trying to look at all possibilities.
People usually see Sohreh's note as "she learned Dottore's secret so he murdered her" But something I haven't seen discussed is how there is also a chance he trusted her and decided to open up to people more. Previously he said studying Ruinguards could get him kicked out but after the following note by Sohreh, he decided to try to convince his team to take back the ruin guard:

"...Zandik was attracted by the ancient machines left behind by some civilization here...
We had a great time and decided to go on a picnic tonight..."

Finally, to play Devil's Advocate: it seems he also had another secret mission that was never explained.

"...It's a shame that documents regarding its (the giant golem's) energy supply systems have been lost, and I have far too important a mission to accomplish to afford to start from scratch. If not..."

He could have killed her because she learned that secret but it's still weird that he'd go and choke her with people focused on him speaking about Ruinguard studies.
-- Arle SQ --
Lyney said "he proposed the direction of the research " for the bottled flames. That he wants to give people "a chance to start over" was also hinted in Time of Insight artifact. I won't be surprised if it turns out most of the injured kids he took from Crucabena are actually fine. The Eremites, which he didn't want his subordinates to kidnap, were also healthy, so this is another instance of him seeking to work with weak people to give them power. I'm NOT denying there's a chance he wants to use it for some other plan like burning the tree like other Redditors have proposed
Finally, there remains the question of which Dottore would be playable. I predict the original or Omega. (Knocking off the angelic new segment theory)
We don't know if the original is alive, since Raiden destroyed her physical body (and the segments were based on Scaramouche) he could be dead BUT giving a kill switch to Omega may have a deeper meaning. Like those fragments of his mind from dead segments will re-materialize in an empty segment or object his soul is bound to or go back to Omega and change his personality, the former sounds like FullMetal Alchemist but a Remuria quest confirms this is a thing in Genshin.
Edit- Regarding Arlecchino's statement about Dottore: she literally said she was gonna kill kids during her quest so her comment about killing Dottore could be misleading, like it being her first reaction when meeting him.
Scaramouche and Childe had incorrect lines about Arlecchino, so there's a precedent that characters are not to be obviously revealed as morally grey until their banner is near.
Finally done, sorry if this is ridiculously long but I wanted to provide quotes to sustain the arguments, especially since some people hate him so much based on mostly misinformation.

About Us:
Hi there - we're a small guild that started off as group running T4 Fractals each night. We're all older players with jobs, wives, husbands, families - so we're active when we can be, which is usually most nights during the week starting around 6pm PT/9pm ET to get together and play.
Most are East Coast, but we're looking for some West Coast players as well to join tarting around 1 - 1.5+ after reset (6pm PT / 9pm ET) which allows people to get home, settle down, and sit down for a few things and complete some quick clears.
We recently started up some "fixed" days for events which include Wednesday Strike Missions (IBS5, EoD, & Soto), and Thursdays for Raids, and Friday for Guild Missions. We also generally run CM Fractals on Mondays, and T4+reqs nightly.
We use discord to communicate and hang out when we are online, and would appreciate those interested to feel comfortable being on VC as well. There are usually 3-4 of us on nightly, but some nights we have upwards of 10 people when we do group content.
What we are looking for:
Guys and Gals interested in end-game content. We're a pretty relaxed group of friends, and we're looking to expand on that, which means, we're trying to keep the small group feel and emphasize a place where people feel look forward to hopping into discord to chat and hang out with their friends.
We're largely interested in people who would like to create some more establish static groups for CM Fractals and Strikes.
We're not a Raid Guild, so we're mostly looking for people interested in other content. We do run Raids as a guild, and depending on people's activity will look to set up another Raid night or static group in the future, but currently have a 10-man group, with maybe 1-2 spots available.
There are no activity or rep requirements - but we do want people comfortable joining in VC and hanging out at least when we're running content, but extra credit for those who join just to chat and hangout.
Our main focus has been creating a friend group and we would like to continue that, so if you are looking for a small group of adults (late 20's - 30's) who know how to play the game and are interested in popping in a few nights a week to hang out, we'd love to have you.
Would I be a good fit?:
We don't have too many requirements:

• Are lvl 80, and have the ability to play end-game content;
• Active a few nights a week;
• Interested in playing with/becoming part of a small group of friends;
• Comfortable using discord and being on mic.

What if I am not lvl 80 and still want people to hang out with?:
That is perfectly fine, but just to set some expectations, we're happy for you to join us while you are building characters up, however our limited play time is centered around end-game content. That said, if you are a newenewish player and want to join, we mostly ask that you make the effort to hang out with us in VC so we can get to know you, help you get geared up and answer questions. We emphasize keeping the group small and building the friend group itself, and a huge part of that is getting the chance to know those we're playing with.
How do I reach you?
Our discord link: https://discord.gg/HxXk2FTgBz
Or - feel free to message me directly:

• On Discord (shier_plains); or
• In-game (Shier Plains.9280)

There are a lot of old posts all over about how to do this, but most have you downloading file apps and copying services over one at a time. This has become much easier than that, and can now be done almost entirely with the amazing "Fire Toolbox". Here's the steps I've gone through on both of my kid's tablets at this point. It should take you no more than an hour total, less if you're comfortable with what you're reading.
 

1. Download and Install Fire Toolbox on PC (Should also be linked in the Sidebar if this link ever dies).
2. Buy RocketApps ($2.50 - From Adult's Profile) and "Enable" it for the Kid's Profile. There IS a Free Option (AppStart) but it doesn't have a way to limit the kids from opening Any installed app on the device. Up to you.
3. Launch Fire Toolbox, Go Through the Setup Steps in the Fire Toolbox Link (Dev Mode, Etc.). Connect the Tablet and go through the Basic Setup EXCEPT for the "Google Services" bit.
4. Switch to the Kid's Profile (Can be done in the Fire Toolbox Program) and Install Google Services IN THE KIDS PROFILE (Using Fire Toolbox).
5. Log into "Google Play" Store. Sometimes it launches right away, sometimes you'll have to reboot and then find it by opening RocketApps and briefly Enabling it so that you can run it, just uncheck it afterwards.
6. Sideload YT Kids (Using Fire Toolbox, you can find and Install it all from within the Program on the Second Page of commands).
7. Launch RocketApps and Enable YT Kids. Then Login and Set it Up.

 
There you go. Your kids now have Youtube Kids (And any other Games / Apps you want to Download / Sideload from the Play Store, since only stuff from the Amazon App Store can be set up to show up in the Kid's Profile without it). And RocketApps is 100% Worth the $2.50. If you're unsure, you can use AppStart in place of RocketApps to make sure this all works, and then replace it with RocketApps when you're done without breaking anything.
I had issues on and off with the Play Store not always wanting to download things, which is why I suggest Sideloading it initially to skip any potential headaches. If you have the same issues, you can just sideload whatever you want using Fire Toolbox. It wasn't worth troubleshooting further as Sideloading works 100% of the time.
If something just jams up during the above process, just raze it all and start over. ;P You can uninstall the Google Services in the Fire Toolbox, if that gives you errors, just log into the adult profile, and uninstall any / all of the four Google Services there (Uninstall from All Profiles Option), and make sure you're Only installing them to the Kid's Profile. And at the WORST, you can factory reset your tablet completely, but I Really don't think you'll need to do all that.

Salutations, fellow petty revengers!
This is a story from my youth. To briefly sum up the situation: nearby where I live there is a road that goes all around my city. The particular section in this story comes up a slight hill then it goes downward for quite a while, maybe a full mile, and at the end of it there is a big parking area for a local big store.
One of those days, a traffic cop had made that downward mile stretch his "feeding trough" spot. He parked his car behind some bush and hid behind it, waiting for a passing car to suddenly jump out and stop. Note: this is not in the US, so the cops here don't need a probable cause to stop cars.
So, one night, he stopped me in my car. Very rude, very condescending, very sure of himself, arrogant, I-am-above-God attitude. He checked my documents (all in order), checked the car (all in order), checked everything and all was in order. Then he showed me his radar gun and it showed way over the speed limit.
Now, I knew for a fact that I wasn't speeding. I don't know what he had done to the instrument, maybe he didn't reset it from the previous reading, maybe it wasn't working at all, I don't know. But he wrote me a ticket for driving 32km/h (20 mph?) over the limit.
Same thing happened the next night when I was going home from a gathering with friends. This time I knew he might be there, so I was extra careful with my speed. He saw my lights, jumped out to stop me, and showed me the radar: 32km/h over the speed limit. The exact same number from last night. And I knew the jig is on.
It's a big part of our "cop culture" here that the first thing a cop says when he comes up to your window is not "License and registration", it's "You're speeding, what are we gonna do now?" And most people prefer to give the cop some part of the ticket's value instead of paying it to the state in full. This cop has made this spot his personal money maker.
I knew that I can't prove anything or do anything about it back then. Remember, this is not the US, we don't have your guys' luxuries. My word against his would always end with him winning in those days. Exceptions were truly rare. So, I knew I had to get him another way.
That weekend I gathered my friends, and we cooked a plan. We waited for the evening, and I was ready at the start of the stretch. We confirmed the cop was again there, and we began. I drove down, he stopped me, I said "Good evening, officer "Mike", he looked at me and said "We know our lesson now, do we?" I nodded, gave him a 20, and he let me go.
I drove to the parking area, parked my car, jumped in a friend's car, we went out of the parking area, made a U-turn, drove the mile back up the hill and switched places. I then drove down again, he stopped the new car, came to my window, I said, "Good evening, officer "Mike" with a 20 in my hand. He was stunned and just waved me to go.
I went to my friends, we laughed for several minutes, then I got into yet another car, did the same drive and the same switch. This time he didn't even come to the window. He shone his flashlight, saw it's me, and waved me to go.
He knew me now, so I had to up my game. Wigs, scarfs, hats, hoodies, even a fake moustache, all went into play. He stops me, flashlights the masked me, walks up, hears "Good evening, officer "Mike" with the 20 in hand, and waves. One of those times he actually asked me "What are you doing?! Don't you have something better to do?" and I said, "No, officer "Mike", we got aaaaaall weekend free".
Eleven times we did that, in the span of like 3 hours. On the 12th run he wasn't there anymore, and I never saw him again.
I wish we had camera phones, dashcams and Go-Pros back then, it would be so much easier to load my car with cameras and annihilate his ass in court, but I don't regret it much.
It definitely wouldn't be so much fun.
Edit: After reading some of the comments, I feel a clarification is required of me. We didn't give him 20 eleven times. He wrote one ticket and took one 20. The other times he just waved us to go. We thought the reason he went away is because he felt uncomfortable with us knowing his deal and was afraid we might either be undercover, or we might tell someone.

Hello.
I wanted to summarize some of my impressions and the awe-someness I experienced when playing the Braid Anniversary Edition.

What a Package!

Superficially, let's consider what you get for the current price:

• the old/original game
• a remastered game with updated sound, visuals and programming
• hours of commentary
• new worlds
• new puzzles

...and all of this woven together, brilliantly. In total, I think they are greater than the sum of their parts. This is not 'just' a remaster. You get a masterpiece of a game and a masterclass in game design (as in: a course of how to design puzzle/games).
What a bargain!

The Remaster

I am not super familiar with remasters of movies, games, etc. but on the spectrum of superficial improvements, high resolution updates or other gimmicks this remaster has been produced with very special care. It is one thing to slap on some new textures, but much more delicate to carefully think about the aspects of the game and perform only structure preserving or enhancing transformations on it. I can only imagine how difficult this can be, especially for the original artists and must have a completely different flavor, than when creating the graphics and sound from scratch, trying to maximize the potential of the remastering project, while not overdoing it.
I really love the charm of the graphics of the original version, I sometimes even forgot that I switched back, only noticed it more after I started getting used to Tim's detailed animation. But the updates doubtless make the the experience much richer and more meaningful. There are so many more interesting details the mind can wonder about consciously and unconsciously. I don't think the live painting effect will ever get old. Listening to the artist, David Hellman talking about the colors and impressions was borderline hypnotic at times.
I am not much of a sound person, but the improvement in this area were very striking to me immediately, throughout the game and especially in places like World 6, where the sound design complemented and strengthened the atmosphere greatly. Listening to Martin describing the technical details was very eye (and ear) opening.
It is so good to see the game being unbound from the original technical limitations and more deeply realized.

And then some...(The Commentary)

Not sure if I encountered too many games with any commentary at all. When you buy a DVD there is a chance that there is a director commentary track and of course there can be lots of extras that you can only watch, mostly. But I imagine Jon and Co. asking themselves the question: what is commentary like for a Game (like how he mentions, what is the establishing shot of a game?). Well, how do you do this interactively and not just slapping on additional content? I think the execution of the commentary and it's worlds are the most magical to me this time around. Let's consider some aspects...

• the conversations, interviews are broken down into bite sized pieces
• you can approach them from many different dimensions, directions, listening during gameplay, or diving into separate topics, etc.
• how carefully the Commentary worlds themselves are crafted to reflect the topics and aspects they relate to
• how masterfully this meta-layer is grafted onto the game, seamlessly, totally in line with the core ideas, philosophy, design aesthetic (puzzle mechanics, portals, connections between different aspects and dimensions, etc.)

I could go on an on analyzing these I think. But this is 'just' the structure, what about the content itself? What a wonderful treasure trove of ideas and insights. The interviews, conversations and monologues were thoughtful and engaging.
At the same time, as consistent as ever, not matter how much information is presented, there is still no definitive 'explanation' what the game is 'about'. As it should be. In the same way as when Jon discusses what elements would ruin the joy and magic of a puzzle, hearing the artist explain would taint or limit the mystery and potential of the game.

New worlds and puzzles

I think regardless of where you stand with the numbered puzzles themselves, you have to appreciate, that the added layer of how to get to them are themselves puzzles. I greatly enjoyed tracking down and solving all the pieces.
And who knows if other, yet hidden treasure can be found?
But for me, the real treasure is already here. It was well worth the wait and every minute spent in it's world.
What a generous artifact, what an awe-some piece of art!
Thank you for the game, and thanks for reading!

First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and support from the last post. A lot has happened since then, and a bunch of context is needed, so I hope you'll bear with me as I explain the details.
***
Back during the peak of the blinking crisis, I remember having a lot of difficulty sleeping. It was common for me to average only four or five hours a night, and the little sleep I did get was marred by terrible nightmares. One in particular recurred many times.
I was only eight, but somehow I was in the driver's seat of our family's old SUV. My arms were long enough to steady the wheel, but my legs didn't quite meet the pedals. It didn't matter though, since the car seemed content to continue on at a constant pace. I looked over and saw my mom in the passenger seat. Her face was a blurry likeness pieced together from the dozen or so picture's I'd seen of her over the years. I tried to bring her into focus, not only because I missed her dearly, but because she was speaking—pleading, even. She waved frantically at me, then brought her leg up and slammed it down on the floor mat several times. I didn't understand what had her so upset until she pointed out the front windshield, and I saw we were hurdling directly toward a giant tree that had fallen in the middle of the road.
Panicking, I stomped for the brake, but my seatbelt protested and pulled me back like an invigorated dog on a short leash. I sat up and tried clicking it off, but it wouldn't budge. My breaths became hollow cries, and I felt my heart beat against the bars of its bony prison. I grabbed the steering wheel and pulled it to the left, then right, attempting to swerve off the road, but it was as if whatever kind of glue was locking up the seatbelt was also fixing the steering wheel in place.
"Mom! what do I do!?" I yelled, tears streaming from my eyes. She was yelling back at me, but it was as if there was a divider between us, and neither of us could hear each other. I turned back just in time to see the giant Oak tree meet the front bumper, and then I jolted awake with a piercing pain in my chest that radiated up through my throat in the form of a giant scream. My little legs kicked under the covers and tears rained down on my pillow until my dad ran in and knelt at my bed.
"Lauren, are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?"
I grabbed my pillow and hugged it so my face was covered, then effused a "Mmm-hmm" in a long wheeze while rocking to either side.
"Oh, honey," he soothed and brushed my hair, then the tears from my face when I would allow it.
Time would pass in silence, and when I began to get the sense that my dad was ready to leave, I'd chirp out, "stay" in that way children do when they're embarrassed about wanting something.
"Always," my dad would reply; then he'd post up on the floor with my large tomato plushie as a pillow.
One night in particular, it was deep in the night, and I had woken to a tapping sound outside my window. I was so afraid that a monster had snuck into my room while I wasn't looking that I made him lay next to me and face outward. I'd peek my eyes open every minute or so to check and make sure my dad was there, staking out the room. Eventually, he rolled in close and said something that I still remember to this day.
"Hey, baby, guess what." he whispered.
"Mmm" I mumbled.
"I think you scared the monster away."
I tried to picture this through the fog of my fatigue. Something seemed off about the statement, like it wasn't logically possible, but before I could piece together the words to express that, my dad cut back in.
"It was scared because it realized you're a superhero. And you know what your greatest superpower is?"
I shook my head, making sure to rub my forehead against his shoulder so he could sense it in the dark room.
"You're greatest power is that you get to tell the monsters what to do. Because the monsters are only as strong as the stories you tell about them. And there's all kinds of stories. Happy ones. Sad ones. Scary ones. Tell me, this monster you think snuck in, would you say he's part of a scary story?"
"I don't know," I said, confused. "Maybe"
"Hmm," he hummed, contemplating. "Well, I want you to remember this. You have the ability to tell any kind of story you want. Maybe there are monsters, but that means there's heroes and angels, too, right?"
I was beginning to doze off to the comforting sound of my dad's deep voice, but I gave another affirmative "Mm-hmm".
"So, if you're ever scared, honey, just dream up a better story. A story that will bring you peace. Do you understand?"
But I was already out.
***
I woke up the next morning to the feeling that someone was in the hotel room with me. The drapes were drawn and the only sound was the AC unit blowing cold air, but when I looked toward the dark corner of the empty coat rack, my mind conjured the face of my dad, smiling at me, chanting that same, awful line—Oh, Lauren… you know who we are.
I was no longer a child, but it took a couple minutes of cold focus before I muscled the courage to ascend from the safety of my covers and flick on the lamp light. The small amber radius extended to where my dad's feet would have been if he was standing there. But there was no one. I let out a sigh and collapsed back onto the mattress, thinking back on all those years growing up. The same man who had helped me conquer my fear of the dark was now the monster hiding in its shadow.
I looked over my shoulder and saw the clock read 10:15. My meeting with Trent was in three hours. I moaned and stretched my arms back until they knocked against the headboard, then I collapsed back onto the mattress, meditating, gathering energy like a compressed spring. All at once, I jumped up and glided over to the drapes, opening them in a single, fluid motion. I grimaced at the sunlight, but the warmth felt good against my face. I stopped by the nightstand and gulped down the final few swigs of a bottle of Mello Yello that I had purchased from a vending machine the previous night, then undressed and hopped in the shower.
The warm water wasn't enough to wash away the previous night's memories. When I closed my eyes to lather my hair, I was back in my living room, standing opposite the demon that had taken on my dad's form. His smile. His laugh. It was like someone in my head was flipping a switch between the man I loved growing up and a terrible monster. But the fear was more powerful. I heard something drop onto the tile floor on the other side of the curtain. The noise made me gasp, and I opened my eyes while shampoo was still streaming down my face. I swiped the shampoo out of my now burning eyes and squinted at the curtain, trying to see through it, but I couldn't make anything out. "I-is anyone," I started, trembling, afraid to finish the sentence. I reached out and pinched the end of the curtain. My heart was in overdrive. I swallowed, then pulled it toward me and peeked out. I scanned the room, but I couldn't see anything out of place.
It wasn't until after I finished showering and wound myself up in one of the hotel's too-small towels that I saw what had made the noise. I bent down and picked up the stub of a razor blade that had fallen onto the tile right next to the puffy, gray shower rug. It wasn't mine, and I was pretty sure hotels didn't keep unguarded razor blades just laying around. When I held it up, it occurred to me that if it had simply fallen a few inches to the left, it would have been buried in the rug, and perhaps I would have stepped on it. I stared at myself in its steely reflection. Cold. Lonely. Small. What if I—was all I was able to think before the blade blinked out of my hand.
I threw on some clothes, packed up the few belongings I had into my purse, then checked out of my room. I didn't feel safe going back home after what happened, but I also didn't want to go anywhere else. I got in my car and drove aimlessly up and down the town's streets, focusing only on the car ahead of me. Anytime I started to travel down an avenue of thought, I'd make a turn, or speed up, or hit the brakes: anything to keep my mind distracted. It was sweltering outside, but I'd turn the heat on for minutes at a time until I felt drenched, then toggle max AC until I was cool, then back to heat. I repeated the basic driving tenet "10 and 2", "10 and 2", "10 and 2" like a mantra—a chant to focus my attention on a single point, and then I pictured that point disappearing. I began to think that maybe I wanted to disappear.
I fully intended to keep going that way until 1:00, but after about thirty minutes, my meandering route had led me to St. Mark's Catholic Church, where a large group of people were gathered around a long line of tables in front of the building. I slowed down. At the front of the venue was a large, white cardboard sign which read, "Plant a Seed, Share the Joy". I wasn't sure what that meant, but my boredom had come to a head, and I rationalized that if there's any place on God's green earth that would be safe, it was this one. I parked along the closest side-street, then walked over to the church.
Rows of white tables were covered with cardboard boxes filled with small plants that were wrapped up in individual paper pots. I watched from a distance as people behind the tables carefully removed the plants, one by one, and offered them to passersby. I continued down the line, a sheep in the herd, and allowed myself to sink into childhood memories. I had somehow made it out the other end near the Narthex when I heard a woman's voice call to me.
"Hey, deary, have you gotten one yet?"
I turned and saw a small, gray-haired lady with rose-colored glasses. "Oh, no," I started, attempting to decline, then paused. The old lady grabbed one of the plants and held it out for me.
"Here," she said. "Come on, I won't bite."
As far as you know, I thought, and stumbled forward with a sigh. "Thanks," I said and took the plant. "What is this all for, anyway?"
"It's a giveaway," the old woman responded. "Staff have been growing these plants—tomatoes and garlic, mainly—so they could offer them to members of the Parish. The idea is to have the members grow the produce, then donate it to St. Mark's Food Pantry to give to those in need."
"Oh, that's actually pretty cool." I replied and inspected my plant which was at present nothing more than a small green stem. "So which kind is this one?"
"That one is—" the old lady stopped and inspected the other plants near where she had grabbed mine—"tomato."
"Tomato," I repeated. "Well, thanks again."
"Of course, dear." the old lady beamed. "We're all responsible for each other."
I nodded, then continued back through the crowd toward my car when, through the large vestibule windows, I saw a Priest speaking to a young couple. It had been a little over a decade since I had attended a service (I stopped going during High School when I started studying other religions), and I didn't recognize this Priest. He was short (just over five feet tall), bald, and African American. He wore the customary black robe and white collar, and there was something in his smile and the way seemed to be affirming the couple that made me yearn to speak with him. I considered for a moment, a bit embarrassed to be stepping back into church after all this time, but the thought of being able to burn ten minutes talking with someone who might have some insight into my situation was too tempting to pass up.
I waited near a portrait of Mary Magdalene, my tomato plant in hand, staring off at the pristine series of stained glass images portraying the death and resurrection of Jesus. About a minute in, the Priest met my eyes; he smiled, his way of telling me he knew I was waiting, then finished up with the couple and made his way over. He had a bit of an accent when he spoke—it was Ugandan, from best I could tell—and a proclivity for laughing at the end of his sentences.
"Hello, Miss, I don't believe I've had the privilege," he said and held out his hand. He leaned in as he spoke, and his smile tugged on the corners of his eyes which were already marked with use.
I shook his hand and returned what I'm sure was a weak smile. "No, I don't think so. My name's Lauren. I used to come here when I was little. It's—been a while."
"Well, I see you picked a good day to visit. If you're into gardening, that is." He remarked with a laugh and gestured toward the plant. "It's nice to meet you, Lauren. My name's Martin—Father Martin, if you prefer."
"Father Martin," I repeated, "I have a friend named Martin. It's a good name."
He laughed and said, "Thank you, I'll pass that one along to my mother. She loves the praise."
I laughed back. He carried himself in such a carefree way that I was put immediately at ease. Almost to the point where I forgot what I wanted to talk to him about. "Um," I started, attempting to word my question in a way that didn't sound like I needed psychiatric help. "I have a couple of religious questions for you, if you have time."
"That's what I'm for. Ask away."
"They're about… miracles. Like the ones in the Bible. I was wondering, do you think that miracles still happen today?"
"Miracles, huh," he started. "You mean like water into wine?"
"Kind of, yeah,"
"Hmm…" he contemplated. "Well, I haven't seen them, myself. You know, I may be a Priest, but I also have a degree in Physics. I think God made the world according to laws, right? But I do think God has the power to intervene. Yes. I just have never seen it… like … you know, the biblical type of miracles. To me, there are miracles happening all around us—miracles we can't see."
"Exactly," I responded, thinking about how no one else could see the blinks, "those kinds of miracles. What are those miracles we can't see?"
One of Father Martin's eyebrows raised and he rubbed his chin. "Well, I think the greatest miracle is the miracle of God's love which was perfected in Christ and offered to each of us. It's his power to heal even the most troubled mind. By coming into alignment with God's will for us, we can see the true purpose of this existence."
No, he's not getting it, I thought. I scrambled to my other entry-point. "What about the story of Job? God made a bet with the Devil that Job would stay faithful to him no matter what the Devil did to him. Do you think that kind of situation is possible?"
Father Martin's expression drooped into a concerned frown. "There's quite the difference between miracles and the story of Job. I suppose I see what you're getting at, though. Job's suffering is in some ways the antithesis to positive miracles. In this life, we are tested, sometimes to the point of losing everything, but even that person who has more reason to hate God than anyone else can once again find peace and eternal happiness through faith. In fact, it's often the person who is lowest in the pit of suffering that needs the Light of Christ more than anyone else."
I thought back on the first night that I prayed. It was in my moment of greatest helplessness that I reached out to God, and I thought I had found my answer in Him. But now, after what happened last night, after all these years of chaos—not merely losing things that were important to me, but my very sanity—I needed more than just blind faith. I couldn't just sit idly by and hope things would get better. I smiled at the Priest and said, "Thank you, Father, this has been very insightful."
"Of course, sister. I'm sorry if I couldn't have been of more help."
"No, I think I understand now. I've been… wrestling with something, and I think God wants me to confront it. I think I've been running away and hiding from it for so long that I'd convinced myself it disappeared."
Father Martin nodded in understanding. "Well, in that case, will you let me leave you with a prayer?"
I was a bit taken off guard by the request, but I accepted. "Sure, Father."
I watched as he made the sign of the cross, then he lifted his hands and closed his eyes. "Dear God, I am so happy to have had the privilege of meeting with Lauren today, especially on a day such as this where we are offering gifts for those who need them. You have heard her desire to confront the things that are troubling her. I ask that you bless her with strength and peace and a clear conscience, that she may overcome these challenges. God, bless us with your spirit, that we may see your hand in our lives. Amen."
"Amen," I said.
As I was leaving, Father Martin called out to me and said, "Oh, just so you know, this Friday at 7 we are having a barbecue at the Parish Center. I would love to see you there, if you're able and wanting."
Turning back, I smiled and said, "Oh, ok, thanks Father. I'll think about it."
The priest nodded, and with a smile, he sent me off.
***
I walked into the Deli at 1:00 on the dot. The customers who had arrived for the lunch rush were already cleaning up their trash and heading out. I dodged past a few of them on my way down the long, narrow path leading to the front counter. While I waited behind a couple of elderly folk who were picking which soup they wanted to pair with their Ultimate Grilled Cheese, I looked around for Trent. He hadn't sent me a picture or any way of contacting him throughout the day, so I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I figured I'd see some man half-hidden behind a newspaper, scouting me out. Maybe I watch too many movies, I thought.
"Ahem, ma'am. You're up." croaked the teenager behind the register.
"Oh, right, sorry" I replied and stepped up to the counter. "Uhh," I muttered, scanning the menu for something that looked edible. "Could I just get…" I made sure to mouth every syllable as they were words of their own.
"We have a deal—the try two combo. Sandwich and a soup for $9.99." the cashier repeated for what was probably the fiftieth time that day.
"Yes, that sounds good. I'll do the Italian sandwich and potato soup. And a drink, please."
After I paid for the food, I wandered around the tables, hoping to find someone who looked like a Trent. I was picturing a short guy, runner's build, with long brown hair, tucked somewhere neatly away in the corner. So I was not prepared when the Hulk's stunt double growled my name from a table smack dab in the middle of the restaurant. He had a pale, square face that was spotted with freckles and a sinking property that comes with the lethal combination of stress and age. His hair was relatively short. Probably it was brown or auburn, but since it was slicked back, it looked almost black. And he wore what looked like janitor coveralls. There was even a cloth tag pinned to his chest which read, "Trent".
"Lauren?" He repeated.
"Yes, that's me." I said and took a seat across from him. I saw a brown tray on the table in front of him, and on the tray was a large, white soup bowl. It was empty and beginning to crust along the edges. He must have been here for some time already. "I didn't know where you'd be, so I was worried we might miss each other. I'm glad you found me though." I said while looking over Trent more thoroughly. His large hands were stretched out in front of him on the table. He wasn't wearing a ring, so he probably wasn't married. And his face, it was stern. He seemed like a no-bullshit kind of guy. Then I saw his eyes. They were sapphire blue—probably the most stunning I'd ever seen.
"We only spoke on the internet, so I hope you don't mind, but I usually run a preliminary test on anyone I meet who claims to have abilities such as yours." Trent said while reaching into his pocket and removing a device that had the size and shape of an electric razor. "All you have to do is look into it. It takes maybe five seconds. Ten at most."
"Oh, um, sure," I said reluctantly. "Do I just—" I asked while reaching for the device.
Trent clicked a button and released the cylindrical head which opened, revealing a glass circle about the size of an iris. "I'll hold it, just look into the center. A red cross should appear, then it'll take the picture."
"Okay…" I replied and did as he instructed, leaning my head forward to look into the device. Sure enough, a red cross appeared. "Is it…" was all I got out before the light turned blue and I saw a gray fog disperse and billow throughout the inside of the tube, extending for what I perceived to be miles. My jaw went slack and I couldn't breathe for maybe five seconds. Then Trent reshuttered the device and turned it over.
"Damn, 72." He said with a hint of shock. "That's the highest I've scanned to date." He looked back at me, more relaxed now, and muttered to himself. "How have you been able to function for this long? At this level, you should basically be half in, half out."
I rubbed my forehead, feeling a mixture of pain and frustration and fatigue and impatience which all poured out at once. "Listen, Trent," I said as sternly as I could, "I came here because you said you knew what was wrong with me and that you could help me. I get you have to make sure I am who I said I am, but now it's your turn to pay up. How do I know you know anything about my condition? You said my mom might still be alive. What does that even mean? I saw her die right in front of me. I want answers."
I waited for Trent to respond, but he only lifted his head. I turned around and saw a girl holding a tray of food.
"Um, hi, sorry to interrupt. I have an order 36 for Lauren."
"Oh, yes, thank you." I said. The worker placed the tray down on the table in front of me, and when I saw the food, I suddenly realized how hungry I was. Trent must have also realized this, because he folded his arms and said, "go ahead and eat. I'll explain while you do."
I wanted to protest, but my salivating mouth made other plans. "Fine," I said. I grabbed the metal spoon off the tray and started on the soup, bracing against the steaming heat of the potato chunks.
As I ate, Trent moved all of the items on his tray off to the side, then he flipped the tray over so it was raised slightly off the table. He took his cup and placed it face down in the center, then he rolled up a few of his used, blue mayonnaise packets and charted a track across the tray.
"What are you doing?" I croaked out between bites.
Trent ignored me and continued by ripping up a napkin into strips and placing them alongside the mayonnaise packets. Finally, he snapped ten toothpicks in half and stuck them in the tomb of a dozen overlayed napkins. "It's your diorama," he said at last.
"It's my what?"
"From the story you sent me. Your diorama. When I read about it, it gave me a good idea of how to explain the 'blinking'."
I pointed at the cup in the center. "Is that supposed to be a pyramid? Because I'm pretty sure you're in the wrong geometric neighborhood with that one."
"It's an analogy," he said.
"Of an analogy," I quipped back.
"Look," he picked out one of the toothpicks and held it out in front of me. "This could be a person, an animal, a crowbar—whatever you want. The point is, this diorama is a stand in for our universe. This is everything that exists, that we can see. Okay?"
"Okay,"
"Now, me," Trent placed a hand over his heart. "I'm not in the diorama. I don't exist in the universe."
"In the universe where a cup is a pyramid, or the actual universe?" I said, unable to control myself.
Trent grimaced.
"Sorry, keep going. I get it."
"Things pop into," Trent threw the toothpick back onto the tray, "or out of," he picked the toothpick back up, "our universe at will, based on forces," he patted his chest again, "that exist in other realms" he gestured to the room, "that are connected to our universe," he tapped two fingers against the tray. "These things could be objects, like, say, a toothpick, or entities, like the one you encountered yesterday. The blinking experience that you described aligns with the typical experience of a moderate Antenna. That's what I call people like us—Antennas; because we can pick up on signals others can't."
"We—you mean you see the blinking, too?"
"Yes, but not to the same extent as you. If all the blinks are gathered in a giant picture that you can see, I'm traversing the image through binoculars, maybe even a microscope, depending on where we are."
I thought about this. I guess it was possible there were other people like me out there, but since I had never met anyone, I didn't really consider the idea until now. And then for him to say my ability was somehow much stronger than his… "But," I started, "I haven't even seen that many blinks since I was a child. It's just more focused and malicious now."
"Yeah," Trent scratched his head, "that's the thing that got me really interested in you. Somehow you seem to be able to control it without gear, just by praying. And, look, that's all well and good, but I don't want to give you the false impression that I'm some kind of religious leader. I like to look for logical, scientific explanations for things. So that's the frame I'm coming at this from."
I took a sip from my drink. "That's fine," I said, "the truth is that's why I reached out to you in the first place. I wanted an explanation I could understand. An explanation that was directly related to what I'm going through."
"Then we should get along just fine."
I was scooping out the last potato that was stubbornly gliding along the bottom of the bowl when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the old man from the line shooting up from his bench and standing in army-erect form. I felt a tingling sensation tickle the back of my neck. I didn't want to turn toward him. I knew what I'd see if I did. "Trent," I whispered, trying to tip him off.
"Huh?" he grunted. Then when he saw my expression, he snuck his right hand under the table and said, "Do you see it? Is it here?"
I cocked my head to the left, signaling toward the old man that was now facing us, but Trent didn't seem to notice him: his eyes just kept scanning the entire front of the restaurant. Then I saw the old man take a step in our direction.
"Lauuurennnn, oh Lauuuurennnn, I've been looking for you, Laurenn." The old man said in a low, gravelly voice that gave the impression he was gurgling liquid tar. I turned and saw his face. It was cold and expressionless, and a butter knife was poking out of his left fist. When I met his eyes, he smiled that horrible smile."You're a slippery bitch, you know that?" He spat. "Why can't you just stay put? Don't you get tired of running from your old friend? Or have you forgotten about me?"
"Trent," I mumbled out. "Right there."
"And this guy. You think he can help you? He's only here to help himself. If that's not clear, you really are a lost little lamb."
"Quick, give me your hand," Trent instructed.
I was silent, my eyes still pinned to the old man.
"Tsk-tsk-tsk," the demon possessed senior wagged his finger at me, taking a step, then another step, shortening the distance as much as he could while I was entranced. Then, suddenly, he sprinted forward at a speed that shouldn't have been possible for a man his age.
"Trent!" I screamed.
"Lauren, give me your hand!"
I spun around and grabbed Tren'ts outstretched arm just as the old man lifted the butter knife over his head like a pickaxe. Then I saw Trent pull out what looked like a toy gun from under the table and point it at the demon.
"Got you," Trent remarked. I braced for a gunshot, but there was no noise. After a couple seconds, I looked back and saw the old man sitting in the booth opposite his wife, his hand tremoring as he reached for his large drink.
"What did you?" I asked, but Trent was already pulling me out of my seat. "Come on, we have to go," he said, "the effect is temporary, he'll be—"
Before he could get out the last word, I saw the cup-pyramid on Trent's tray blink out of existence. The sound of a plate shattering rang out from a table up ahead. The lone woman standing there slowly turned around, smiling, with a fork in one hand and a piece of the broken plate in the other. Trent shot her with the toy gun as we ran past and then barreled through the front door.
"Where—are we going?" I asked between gasps.
"My van. It's loaded with kit."
"And then where?"
"Your house" replied Trent who stashed his gun back in his pocket and took out a key fob.
"My house? But that's where he—it appeared."
"Yeah, and that's where you banished it."
Trent waved me into the passenger seat of his RAM 3500 Promaster. I noticed right away the dash which looked more like it belonged in a new limited-edition EV than a cargo van. The ignition kicked on automatically, and I heard the beep of a sonar ping precede an English woman's voice calling out like some auxed-in GPS saying, "scanning for anomalies". Trent shifted the van into gear, and I heard the wheels sputter as we accelerated backward and whipped out of the small parking lot.
"What's your address?" Trent asked. I gave it to him, and then speaking to his dash, he said, "Car, take us to ****."
"Redirecting to ****," replied the British woman. "Currently detecting 31 novel emergences. Updating pings every 300 milliseconds. Chance of contact: 0.23%"
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"The van has sensor equipment which can detect blinks. It's much more accurate than either of us."
"And it sees 31?"
"Yes, that's not as many as it sounds." Trent said and tore past a car that blinked out of existence right as we turned onto the main street.
We drove on for another couple minutes, the Englishwoman updating the number of novel emergences every ten seconds or so. Her constant babbling eventually became a comforting background noise, and I was able to think again.
"In the message you sent me, you said my mom may still be alive." I looked at Trent to see if he would react to me bringing her up, but he remained stolid. "What did you mean by that?"
Trent thumbed his steering wheel. "I shouldn't have sent that." He said at last.
"Shouldn't have… What do you mean? You can't just say that now."
Trent took one hand off the wheel and turned toward me. "Look, we're going back to your house because we need to determine your origin point. All Antennas have them. It's a place of high energy where many realms intersect, kind of like a station, and it's the place where you first acquired your abilities. Based on everything you wrote, I'm guessing that place is where the forest where the accident happened when you were a young child. But I need to confirm it. Once I confirm that that's the place…" Trent hesitated.
"Then… what? You want us to go back there? To the place where my mom died, or at least where I think she died until you told me she might be alive but are now taking it back? That place?"
"It's the only way to—"
"Now detecting novel agent," the Englishwoman interrupted. We both perked up as she gave another update. "Net anomalies: 437. Novel Agents: 1. Chance of contact: 78%."
"Shit," Trent muttered. "Car, course correct."
"Attempting course correct to avoid collision. Attempts made: 10, 50, 75, 79… No alternate route detected. Chance of contact: 96%."
"Time until contact?"
"Time until contact: 13 seconds."
I shuddered. Looking out the front windshield, I saw cars pop out of existence left and right, opening up a clear path to the four way intersection ahead. In a blink, the streetlights all turned green, and then they vanished completely. It was as if the entire world was being stripped down bare, and all that remained was the road, boxed in by the rows of buildings along either side. In the distance I could see a large tanker barreling toward us.
"Trent,"
"I know," he replied and clicked a different button on the console which opened a new toggle for the shifter labeled "TD". He pushed the stick forward, engaging the new mode, then pressed the accelerator all the way to the ground. "You're going to want to hold on."
"What are you doing!?" I yelled, grabbing onto my seatbelt.
"No time to explain. Car, release phase lock."
"Phase lock released."
I watched in horror as the color drained from the road and buildings and sky, transforming it all into a dim tunnel, with only the headlights of the oncoming semi-truck visible up ahead. I had the sudden thought that this was all a dream, just like the ones from my childhood. I looked over and no longer saw Trent, but my mother. And then I realized this wasn't a dream. This was hell. I was being forced to relive the worst moment of my life, over and over again. Just when I thought I had escaped, I was pulled right back into that car, helpless as we approached but never arrived at our impending fate. I closed my eyes right as the lights engulfed the windshield and braced for the usual pain in my chest, for the feeling of breaking.
But it didn't come.
"Shift" was the last word out of Trent's mouth, and then I was infused with the sensation of being at the pinnacle of a roller coaster. I was suspended there for what felt like hours, but somehow I knew that not even a second had passed. Everything inside the van: the dashboard, windows, ceiling, doors, even Trent himself began to radiate enigmatic particles. They were a mass of constant motion, like raindrops falling through the air but never landing. I looked down at my hand, but it was gone. Diffused into an unknowable number of untraceable particles. The world outside, once devoid of color, was now nothing but color. When I tried to focus on a particular spot in the infinite geometric folds of whatever realm we were traversing through, I could sometimes detect a trace of our world.
The old lady from the church. She appeared as if through a window, standing behind a table, holding out a plant. Only this image was so much brighter. And the plant she was holding was pure gold. Then I'd catch a glimpse of the razor blade. It was large, many hundreds of times larger than the van, and surrounded by darkness. These ghostly images appeared like holograms or reflections that caught the light at just the right angle, then dissipated.
I stayed there, looping between the archetypes of my life for a long, long time.
***
I knew we were returning when I felt the first sense of motion. Breath filled my lungs for the first time in what felt like a day. I blinked. And then we were back in town, driving down the same road with the blue sky above. People were jogging on the sidewalk past the little street shops. The streetlights were active. I checked the side mirror and saw the tanker had just passed by.
I looked over at Trent, who met my eyes. We shared a look of knowing, and unknowing. For some reason, that was enough, and we continued on in silence.
***
We agreed to stay the night at my house.
Trent had parked a couple blocks away in front of a couple vacant houses so as not to arouse suspicion from the neighbors. Then he lugged a large duffel bag with his equipment in and set it up in the living room. He scanned the scrapbook which contained the newspaper clippings from the accident several times and confirmed that was likely my 'origin point'. I simply nodded and then went back out onto the back porch. I sat there for hours, basking in the sun. Something had changed in the past day, but I couldn't pick out what it was. Too much had happened. I had too little time to process any of it.
When the sun set, I went inside and Trent told me about his plans for the next couple days. He said he needed to run a few errands in the morning, then meet up with a couple of his associates. After that, we could begin our drive to Southern Illinois. He said it was likely that the entity that was chasing me had first tied itself to me during my childhood accident. For whatever reason, we came into contact, and now it didn't want to leave. Trent would help me get rid of it. He didn't go into many details regarding how that was to happen, but I don't think in my tired state I would have been able to understand much anyway. He had a plan, and that was enough for me. At least for a while.
After our meeting, I made sure Trent had enough pillows and blankets like a proper host, then I retired to my room. I laid down on my twin bed and stared up at the cream-colored ceiling. Then I turned and saw the participation awards for my junior soccer league stashed on my dresser. I pictured myself on the field, running with the ball, out ahead of everyone except the goalie. I took a shot, but it was blocked. Then I ran back to defend. How can such a simple game be so much fun? Was the last thought I had before drifting off to sleep.
I woke up only once during the night. It was still dark out. The room was warm despite the small, flower petal fan churning away, shifting the hot, humid air from one pocket of the room to the next. I waited in apprehension, sensing that something had disturbed me. I saw the tomato plushie peeking out at me from the slightly ajar closet door where I had stashed it so many years ago. I felt like I was missing something. Something important.
And then I heard it.
There was a tapping at my window.

Part 1
First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and support from the last post. A lot has happened since then, and a bunch of context is needed, so I hope you'll bear with me as I explain the details.
***
Back during the peak of the blinking crisis, I remember having a lot of difficulty sleeping. It was common for me to average only four or five hours a night, and the little sleep I did get was marred by terrible nightmares. One in particular recurred many times.
I was only eight, but somehow I was in the driver's seat of our family's old SUV. My arms were long enough to steady the wheel, but my legs didn't quite meet the pedals. It didn't matter though, since the car seemed content to continue on at a constant pace. I looked over and saw my mom in the passenger seat. Her face was a blurry likeness pieced together from the dozen or so picture's I'd seen of her over the years. I tried to bring her into focus, not only because I missed her dearly, but because she was speaking—pleading, even. She waved frantically at me, then brought her leg up and slammed it down on the floor mat several times. I didn't understand what had her so upset until she pointed out the front windshield, and I saw we were hurdling directly toward a giant tree that had fallen in the middle of the road.
Panicking, I stomped for the brake, but my seatbelt protested and pulled me back like an invigorated dog on a short leash. I sat up and tried clicking it off, but it wouldn't budge. My breaths became hollow cries, and I felt my heart beat against the bars of its bony prison. I grabbed the steering wheel and pulled it to the left, then right, attempting to swerve off the road, but it was as if whatever kind of glue was locking up the seatbelt was also fixing the steering wheel in place.
"Mom! what do I do!?" I yelled, tears streaming from my eyes. She was yelling back at me, but it was as if there was a divider between us, and neither of us could hear each other. I turned back just in time to see the giant Oak tree meet the front bumper, and then I jolted awake with a piercing pain in my chest that radiated up through my throat in the form of a giant scream. My little legs kicked under the covers and tears rained down on my pillow until my dad ran in and knelt at my bed.
"Lauren, are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?"
I grabbed my pillow and hugged it so my face was covered, then effused a "Mmm-hmm" in a long wheeze while rocking to either side.
"Oh, honey," he soothed and brushed my hair, then the tears from my face when I would allow it.
Time would pass in silence, and when I began to get the sense that my dad was ready to leave, I'd chirp out, "stay" in that way children do when they're embarrassed about wanting something.
"Always," my dad would reply; then he'd post up on the floor with my large tomato plushie as a pillow.
One night in particular, it was deep in the night, and I had woken to a tapping sound outside my window. I was so afraid that a monster had snuck into my room while I wasn't looking that I made him lay next to me and face outward. I'd peek my eyes open every minute or so to check and make sure my dad was there, staking out the room. Eventually, he rolled in close and said something that I still remember to this day.
"Hey, baby, guess what." he whispered.
"Mmm" I mumbled.
"I think you scared the monster away."
I tried to picture this through the fog of my fatigue. Something seemed off about the statement, like it wasn't logically possible, but before I could piece together the words to express that, my dad cut back in.
"It was scared because it realized you're a superhero. And you know what your greatest superpower is?"
I shook my head, making sure to rub my forehead against his shoulder so he could sense it in the dark room.
"You're greatest power is that you get to tell the monsters what to do. Because the monsters are only as strong as the stories you tell about them. And there's all kinds of stories. Happy ones. Sad ones. Scary ones. Tell me, this monster you think snuck in, would you say he's part of a scary story?"
"I don't know," I said, confused. "Maybe"
"Hmm," he hummed, contemplating. "Well, I want you to remember this. You have the ability to tell any kind of story you want. Maybe there are monsters, but that means there's heroes and angels, too, right?"
I was beginning to doze off to the comforting sound of my dad's deep voice, but I gave another affirmative "Mm-hmm".
"So, if you're ever scared, honey, just dream up a better story. A story that will bring you peace. Do you understand?"
But I was already out.
***
I woke up the next morning to the feeling that someone was in the hotel room with me. The drapes were drawn and the only sound was the AC unit blowing cold air, but when I looked toward the dark corner of the empty coat rack, my mind conjured the face of my dad, smiling at me, chanting that same, awful line—Oh, Lauren… you know who we are.
I was no longer a child, but it took a couple minutes of cold focus before I muscled the courage to ascend from the safety of my covers and flick on the lamp light. The small amber radius extended to where my dad's feet would have been if he was standing there. But there was no one. I let out a sigh and collapsed back onto the mattress, thinking back on all those years growing up. The same man who had helped me conquer my fear of the dark was now the monster hiding in its shadow.
I looked over my shoulder and saw the clock read 10:15. My meeting with Trent was in three hours. I moaned and stretched my arms back until they knocked against the headboard, then I collapsed back onto the mattress, meditating, gathering energy like a compressed spring. All at once, I jumped up and glided over to the drapes, opening them in a single, fluid motion. I grimaced at the sunlight, but the warmth felt good against my face. I stopped by the nightstand and gulped down the final few swigs of a bottle of Mello Yello that I had purchased from a vending machine the previous night, then undressed and hopped in the shower.
The warm water wasn't enough to wash away the previous night's memories. When I closed my eyes to lather my hair, I was back in my living room, standing opposite the demon that had taken on my dad's form. His smile. His laugh. It was like someone in my head was flipping a switch between the man I loved growing up and a terrible monster. But the fear was more powerful. I heard something drop onto the tile floor on the other side of the curtain. The noise made me gasp, and I opened my eyes while shampoo was still streaming down my face. I swiped the shampoo out of my now burning eyes and squinted at the curtain, trying to see through it, but I couldn't make anything out. "I-is anyone," I started, trembling, afraid to finish the sentence. I reached out and pinched the end of the curtain. My heart was in overdrive. I swallowed, then pulled it toward me and peeked out. I scanned the room, but I couldn't see anything out of place.
It wasn't until after I finished showering and wound myself up in one of the hotel's too-small towels that I saw what had made the noise. I bent down and picked up the stub of a razor blade that had fallen onto the tile right next to the puffy, gray shower rug. It wasn't mine, and I was pretty sure hotels didn't keep unguarded razor blades just laying around. When I held it up, it occurred to me that if it had simply fallen a few inches to the left, it would have been buried in the rug, and perhaps I would have stepped on it. I stared at myself in its steely reflection. Cold. Lonely. Small. What if I—was all I was able to think before the blade blinked out of my hand.
I threw on some clothes, packed up the few belongings I had into my purse, then checked out of my room. I didn't feel safe going back home after what happened, but I also didn't want to go anywhere else. I got in my car and drove aimlessly up and down the town's streets, focusing only on the car ahead of me. Anytime I started to travel down an avenue of thought, I'd make a turn, or speed up, or hit the brakes: anything to keep my mind distracted. It was sweltering outside, but I'd turn the heat on for minutes at a time until I felt drenched, then toggle max AC until I was cool, then back to heat. I repeated the basic driving tenet "10 and 2", "10 and 2", "10 and 2" like a mantra—a chant to focus my attention on a single point, and then I pictured that point disappearing. I began to think that maybe I wanted to disappear.
I fully intended to keep going that way until 1:00, but after about thirty minutes, my meandering route had led me to St. Mark's Catholic Church, where a large group of people were gathered around a long line of tables in front of the building. I slowed down. At the front of the venue was a large, white cardboard sign which read, "Plant a Seed, Share the Joy". I wasn't sure what that meant, but my boredom had come to a head, and I rationalized that if there's any place on God's green earth that would be safe, it was this one. I parked along the closest side-street, then walked over to the church.
Rows of white tables were covered with cardboard boxes filled with small plants that were wrapped up in individual paper pots. I watched from a distance as people behind the tables carefully removed the plants, one by one, and offered them to passersby. I continued down the line, a sheep in the herd, and allowed myself to sink into childhood memories. I had somehow made it out the other end near the Narthex when I heard a woman's voice call to me.
"Hey, deary, have you gotten one yet?"
I turned and saw a small, gray-haired lady with rose-colored glasses. "Oh, no," I started, attempting to decline, then paused. The old lady grabbed one of the plants and held it out for me.
"Here," she said. "Come on, I won't bite."
As far as you know, I thought, and stumbled forward with a sigh. "Thanks," I said and took the plant. "What is this all for, anyway?"
"It's a giveaway," the old woman responded. "Staff have been growing these plants—tomatoes and garlic, mainly—so they could offer them to members of the Parish. The idea is to have the members grow the produce, then donate it to St. Mark's Food Pantry to give to those in need."
"Oh, that's actually pretty cool." I replied and inspected my plant which was at present nothing more than a small green stem. "So which kind is this one?"
"That one is—" the old lady stopped and inspected the other plants near where she had grabbed mine—"tomato."
"Tomato," I repeated. "Well, thanks again."
"Of course, dear." the old lady beamed. "We're all responsible for each other."
I nodded, then continued back through the crowd toward my car when, through the large vestibule windows, I saw a Priest speaking to a young couple. It had been a little over a decade since I had attended a service (I stopped going during High School when I started studying other religions), and I didn't recognize this Priest. He was short (just over five feet tall), bald, and African American. He wore the customary black robe and white collar, and there was something in his smile and the way seemed to be affirming the couple that made me yearn to speak with him. I considered for a moment, a bit embarrassed to be stepping back into church after all this time, but the thought of being able to burn ten minutes talking with someone who might have some insight into my situation was too tempting to pass up.
I waited near a portrait of Mary Magdalene, my tomato plant in hand, staring off at the pristine series of stained glass images portraying the death and resurrection of Jesus. About a minute in, the Priest met my eyes; he smiled, his way of telling me he knew I was waiting, then finished up with the couple and made his way over. He had a bit of an accent when he spoke—it was Ugandan, from best I could tell—and a proclivity for laughing at the end of his sentences.
"Hello, Miss, I don't believe I've had the privilege," he said and held out his hand. He leaned in as he spoke, and his smile tugged on the corners of his eyes which were already marked with use.
I shook his hand and returned what I'm sure was a weak smile. "No, I don't think so. My name's Lauren. I used to come here when I was little. It's—been a while."
"Well, I see you picked a good day to visit. If you're into gardening, that is." He remarked with a laugh and gestured toward the plant. "It's nice to meet you, Lauren. My name's Martin—Father Martin, if you prefer."
"Father Martin," I repeated, "I have a friend named Martin. It's a good name."
He laughed and said, "Thank you, I'll pass that one along to my mother. She loves the praise."
I laughed back. He carried himself in such a carefree way that I was put immediately at ease. Almost to the point where I forgot what I wanted to talk to him about. "Um," I started, attempting to word my question in a way that didn't sound like I needed psychiatric help. "I have a couple of religious questions for you, if you have time."
"That's what I'm for. Ask away."
"They're about… miracles. Like the ones in the Bible. I was wondering, do you think that miracles still happen today?"
"Miracles, huh," he started. "You mean like water into wine?"
"Kind of, yeah,"
"Hmm…" he contemplated. "Well, I haven't seen them, myself. You know, I may be a Priest, but I also have a degree in Physics. I think God made the world according to laws, right? But I do think God has the power to intervene. Yes. I just have never seen it… like … you know, the biblical type of miracles. To me, there are miracles happening all around us—miracles we can't see."
"Exactly," I responded, thinking about how no one else could see the blinks, "those kinds of miracles. What are those miracles we can't see?"
One of Father Martin's eyebrows raised and he rubbed his chin. "Well, I think the greatest miracle is the miracle of God's love which was perfected in Christ and offered to each of us. It's his power to heal even the most troubled mind. By coming into alignment with God's will for us, we can see the true purpose of this existence."
No, he's not getting it, I thought. I scrambled to my other entry-point. "What about the story of Job? God made a bet with the Devil that Job would stay faithful to him no matter what the Devil did to him. Do you think that kind of situation is possible?"
Father Martin's expression drooped into a concerned frown. "There's quite the difference between miracles and the story of Job. I suppose I see what you're getting at, though. Job's suffering is in some ways the antithesis to positive miracles. In this life, we are tested, sometimes to the point of losing everything, but even that person who has more reason to hate God than anyone else can once again find peace and eternal happiness through faith. In fact, it's often the person who is lowest in the pit of suffering that needs the Light of Christ more than anyone else."
I thought back on the first night that I prayed. It was in my moment of greatest helplessness that I reached out to God, and I thought I had found my answer in Him. But now, after what happened last night, after all these years of chaos—not merely losing things that were important to me, but my very sanity—I needed more than just blind faith. I couldn't just sit idly by and hope things would get better. I smiled at the Priest and said, "Thank you, Father, this has been very insightful."
"Of course, sister. I'm sorry if I couldn't have been of more help."
"No, I think I understand now. I've been… wrestling with something, and I think God wants me to confront it. I think I've been running away and hiding from it for so long that I'd convinced myself it disappeared."
Father Martin nodded in understanding. "Well, in that case, will you let me leave you with a prayer?"
I was a bit taken off guard by the request, but I accepted. "Sure, Father."
I watched as he made the sign of the cross, then he lifted his hands and closed his eyes. "Dear God, I am so happy to have had the privilege of meeting with Lauren today, especially on a day such as this where we are offering gifts for those who need them. You have heard her desire to confront the things that are troubling her. I ask that you bless her with strength and peace and a clear conscience, that she may overcome these challenges. God, bless us with your spirit, that we may see your hand in our lives. Amen."
"Amen," I said.
As I was leaving, Father Martin called out to me and said, "Oh, just so you know, this Friday at 7 we are having a barbecue at the Parish Center. I would love to see you there, if you're able and wanting."
Turning back, I smiled and said, "Oh, ok, thanks Father. I'll think about it."
The priest nodded, and with a smile, he sent me off.
***
I walked into the Deli at 1:00 on the dot. The customers who had arrived for the lunch rush were already cleaning up their trash and heading out. I dodged past a few of them on my way down the long, narrow path leading to the front counter. While I waited behind a couple of elderly folk who were picking which soup they wanted to pair with their Ultimate Grilled Cheese, I looked around for Trent. He hadn't sent me a picture or any way of contacting him throughout the day, so I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I figured I'd see some man half-hidden behind a newspaper, scouting me out. Maybe I watch too many movies, I thought.
"Ahem, ma'am. You're up." croaked the teenager behind the register.
"Oh, right, sorry" I replied and stepped up to the counter. "Uhh," I muttered, scanning the menu for something that looked edible. "Could I just get…" I made sure to mouth every syllable as they were words of their own.
"We have a deal—the try two combo. Sandwich and a soup for $9.99." the cashier repeated for what was probably the fiftieth time that day.
"Yes, that sounds good. I'll do the Italian sandwich and potato soup. And a drink, please."
After I paid for the food, I wandered around the tables, hoping to find someone who looked like a Trent. I was picturing a short guy, runner's build, with long brown hair, tucked somewhere neatly away in the corner. So I was not prepared when the Hulk's stunt double growled my name from a table smack dab in the middle of the restaurant. He had a pale, square face that was spotted with freckles and a sinking property that comes with the lethal combination of stress and age. His hair was relatively short. Probably it was brown or auburn, but since it was slicked back, it looked almost black. And he wore what looked like janitor coveralls. There was even a cloth tag pinned to his chest which read, "Trent".
"Lauren?" He repeated.
"Yes, that's me." I said and took a seat across from him. I saw a brown tray on the table in front of him, and on the tray was a large, white soup bowl. It was empty and beginning to crust along the edges. He must have been here for some time already. "I didn't know where you'd be, so I was worried we might miss each other. I'm glad you found me though." I said while looking over Trent more thoroughly. His large hands were stretched out in front of him on the table. He wasn't wearing a ring, so he probably wasn't married. And his face, it was stern. He seemed like a no-bullshit kind of guy. Then I saw his eyes. They were sapphire blue—probably the most stunning I'd ever seen.
"We only spoke on the internet, so I hope you don't mind, but I usually run a preliminary test on anyone I meet who claims to have abilities such as yours." Trent said while reaching into his pocket and removing a device that had the size and shape of an electric razor. "All you have to do is look into it. It takes maybe five seconds. Ten at most."
"Oh, um, sure," I said reluctantly. "Do I just—" I asked while reaching for the device.
Trent clicked a button and released the cylindrical head which opened, revealing a glass circle about the size of an iris. "I'll hold it, just look into the center. A red cross should appear, then it'll take the picture."
"Okay…" I replied and did as he instructed, leaning my head forward to look into the device. Sure enough, a red cross appeared. "Is it…" was all I got out before the light turned blue and I saw a gray fog disperse and billow throughout the inside of the tube, extending for what I perceived to be miles. My jaw went slack and I couldn't breathe for maybe five seconds. Then Trent reshuttered the device and turned it over.
"Damn, 72." He said with a hint of shock. "That's the highest I've scanned to date." He looked back at me, more relaxed now, and muttered to himself. "How have you been able to function for this long? At this level, you should basically be half in, half out."
I rubbed my forehead, feeling a mixture of pain and frustration and fatigue and impatience which all poured out at once. "Listen, Trent," I said as sternly as I could, "I came here because you said you knew what was wrong with me and that you could help me. I get you have to make sure I am who I said I am, but now it's your turn to pay up. How do I know you know anything about my condition? You said my mom might still be alive. What does that even mean? I saw her die right in front of me. I want answers."
I waited for Trent to respond, but he only lifted his head. I turned around and saw a girl holding a tray of food.
"Um, hi, sorry to interrupt. I have an order 36 for Lauren."
"Oh, yes, thank you." I said. The worker placed the tray down on the table in front of me, and when I saw the food, I suddenly realized how hungry I was. Trent must have also realized this, because he folded his arms and said, "go ahead and eat. I'll explain while you do."
I wanted to protest, but my salivating mouth made other plans. "Fine," I said. I grabbed the metal spoon off the tray and started on the soup, bracing against the steaming heat of the potato chunks.
As I ate, Trent moved all of the items on his tray off to the side, then he flipped the tray over so it was raised slightly off the table. He took his cup and placed it face down in the center, then he rolled up a few of his used, blue mayonnaise packets and charted a track across the tray.
"What are you doing?" I croaked out between bites.
Trent ignored me and continued by ripping up a napkin into strips and placing them alongside the mayonnaise packets. Finally, he snapped ten toothpicks in half and stuck them in the tomb of a dozen overlayed napkins. "It's your diorama," he said at last.
"It's my what?"
"From the story you sent me. Your diorama. When I read about it, it gave me a good idea of how to explain the 'blinking'."
I pointed at the cup in the center. "Is that supposed to be a pyramid? Because I'm pretty sure you're in the wrong geometric neighborhood with that one."
"It's an analogy," he said.
"Of an analogy," I quipped back.
"Look," he picked out one of the toothpicks and held it out in front of me. "This could be a person, an animal, a crowbar—whatever you want. The point is, this diorama is a stand in for our universe. This is everything that exists, that we can see. Okay?"
"Okay,"
"Now, me," Trent placed a hand over his heart. "I'm not in the diorama. I don't exist in the universe."
"In the universe where a cup is a pyramid, or the actual universe?" I said, unable to control myself.
Trent grimaced.
"Sorry, keep going. I get it."
"Things pop into," Trent threw the toothpick back onto the tray, "or out of," he picked the toothpick back up, "our universe at will, based on forces," he patted his chest again, "that exist in other realms" he gestured to the room, "that are connected to our universe," he tapped two fingers against the tray. "These things could be objects, like, say, a toothpick, or entities, like the one you encountered yesterday. The blinking experience that you described aligns with the typical experience of a moderate Antenna. That's what I call people like us—Antennas; because we can pick up on signals others can't."
"We—you mean you see the blinking, too?"
"Yes, but not to the same extent as you. If all the blinks are gathered in a giant picture that you can see, I'm traversing the image through binoculars, maybe even a microscope, depending on where we are."
I thought about this. I guess it was possible there were other people like me out there, but since I had never met anyone, I didn't really consider the idea until now. And then for him to say my ability was somehow much stronger than his… "But," I started, "I haven't even seen that many blinks since I was a child. It's just more focused and malicious now."
"Yeah," Trent scratched his head, "that's the thing that got me really interested in you. Somehow you seem to be able to control it without gear, just by praying. And, look, that's all well and good, but I don't want to give you the false impression that I'm some kind of religious leader. I like to look for logical, scientific explanations for things. So that's the frame I'm coming at this from."
I took a sip from my drink. "That's fine," I said, "the truth is that's why I reached out to you in the first place. I wanted an explanation I could understand. An explanation that was directly related to what I'm going through."
"Then we should get along just fine."
I was scooping out the last potato that was stubbornly gliding along the bottom of the bowl when, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the old man from the line shooting up from his bench and standing in army-erect form. I felt a tingling sensation tickle the back of my neck. I didn't want to turn toward him. I knew what I'd see if I did. "Trent," I whispered, trying to tip him off.
"Huh?" he grunted. Then when he saw my expression, he snuck his right hand under the table and said, "Do you see it? Is it here?"
I cocked my head to the left, signaling toward the old man that was now facing us, but Trent didn't seem to notice him: his eyes just kept scanning the entire front of the restaurant. Then I saw the old man take a step in our direction.
"Lauuurennnn, oh Lauuuurennnn, I've been looking for you, Laurenn." The old man said in a low, gravelly voice that gave the impression he was gurgling liquid tar. I turned and saw his face. It was cold and expressionless, and a butter knife was poking out of his left fist. When I met his eyes, he smiled that horrible smile."You're a slippery bitch, you know that?" He spat. "Why can't you just stay put? Don't you get tired of running from your old friend? Or have you forgotten about me?"
"Trent," I mumbled out. "Right there."
"And this guy. You think he can help you? He's only here to help himself. If that's not clear, you really are a lost little lamb."
"Quick, give me your hand," Trent instructed.
I was silent, my eyes still pinned to the old man.
"Tsk-tsk-tsk," the demon possessed senior wagged his finger at me, taking a step, then another step, shortening the distance as much as he could while I was entranced. Then, suddenly, he sprinted forward at a speed that shouldn't have been possible for a man his age.
"Trent!" I screamed.
"Lauren, give me your hand!"
I spun around and grabbed Tren'ts outstretched arm just as the old man lifted the butter knife over his head like a pickaxe. Then I saw Trent pull out what looked like a toy gun from under the table and point it at the demon.
"Got you," Trent remarked. I braced for a gunshot, but there was no noise. After a couple seconds, I looked back and saw the old man sitting in the booth opposite his wife, his hand tremoring as he reached for his large drink.
"What did you?" I asked, but Trent was already pulling me out of my seat. "Come on, we have to go," he said, "the effect is temporary, he'll be—"
Before he could get out the last word, I saw the cup-pyramid on Trent's tray blink out of existence. The sound of a plate shattering rang out from a table up ahead. The lone woman standing there slowly turned around, smiling, with a fork in one hand and a piece of the broken plate in the other. Trent shot her with the toy gun as we ran past and then barreled through the front door.
"Where—are we going?" I asked between gasps.
"My van. It's loaded with kit."
"And then where?"
"Your house" replied Trent who stashed his gun back in his pocket and took out a key fob.
"My house? But that's where he—it appeared."
"Yeah, and that's where you banished it."
Trent waved me into the passenger seat of his RAM 3500 Promaster. I noticed right away the dash which looked more like it belonged in a new limited-edition EV than a cargo van. The ignition kicked on automatically, and I heard the beep of a sonar ping precede an English woman's voice calling out like some auxed-in GPS saying, "scanning for anomalies". Trent shifted the van into gear, and I heard the wheels sputter as we accelerated backward and whipped out of the small parking lot.
"What's your address?" Trent asked. I gave it to him, and then speaking to his dash, he said, "Car, take us to ****."
"Redirecting to ****," replied the British woman. "Currently detecting 31 novel emergences. Updating pings every 300 milliseconds. Chance of contact: 0.23%"
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"The van has sensor equipment which can detect blinks. It's much more accurate than either of us."
"And it sees 31?"
"Yes, that's not as many as it sounds." Trent said and tore past a car that blinked out of existence right as we turned onto the main street.
We drove on for another couple minutes, the Englishwoman updating the number of novel emergences every ten seconds or so. Her constant babbling eventually became a comforting background noise, and I was able to think again.
"In the message you sent me, you said my mom may still be alive." I looked at Trent to see if he would react to me bringing her up, but he remained stolid. "What did you mean by that?"
Trent thumbed his steering wheel. "I shouldn't have sent that." He said at last.
"Shouldn't have… What do you mean? You can't just say that now."
Trent took one hand off the wheel and turned toward me. "Look, we're going back to your house because we need to determine your origin point. All Antennas have them. It's a place of high energy where many realms intersect, kind of like a station, and it's the place where you first acquired your abilities. Based on everything you wrote, I'm guessing that place is where the forest where the accident happened when you were a young child. But I need to confirm it. Once I confirm that that's the place…" Trent hesitated.
"Then… what? You want us to go back there? To the place where my mom died, or at least where I think she died until you told me she might be alive but are now taking it back? That place?"
"It's the only way to—"
"Now detecting novel agent," the Englishwoman interrupted. We both perked up as she gave another update. "Net anomalies: 437. Novel Agents: 1. Chance of contact: 78%."
"Shit," Trent muttered. "Car, course correct."
"Attempting course correct to avoid collision. Attempts made: 10, 50, 75, 79… No alternate route detected. Chance of contact: 96%."
"Time until contact?"
"Time until contact: 13 seconds."
I shuddered. Looking out the front windshield, I saw cars pop out of existence left and right, opening up a clear path to the four way intersection ahead. In a blink, the streetlights all turned green, and then they vanished completely. It was as if the entire world was being stripped down bare, and all that remained was the road, boxed in by the rows of buildings along either side. In the distance I could see a large tanker barreling toward us.
"Trent,"
"I know," he replied and clicked a different button on the console which opened a new toggle for the shifter labeled "TD". He pushed the stick forward, engaging the new mode, then pressed the accelerator all the way to the ground. "You're going to want to hold on."
"What are you doing!?" I yelled, grabbing onto my seatbelt.
"No time to explain. Car, release phase lock."
"Phase lock released."
I watched in horror as the color drained from the road and buildings and sky, transforming it all into a dim tunnel, with only the headlights of the oncoming semi-truck visible up ahead. I had the sudden thought that this was all a dream, just like the ones from my childhood. I looked over and no longer saw Trent, but my mother. And then I realized this wasn't a dream. This was hell. I was being forced to relive the worst moment of my life, over and over again. Just when I thought I had escaped, I was pulled right back into that car, helpless as we approached but never arrived at our impending fate. I closed my eyes right as the lights engulfed the windshield and braced for the usual pain in my chest, for the feeling of breaking.
But it didn't come.
"Shift" was the last word out of Trent's mouth, and then I was infused with the sensation of being at the pinnacle of a roller coaster. I was suspended there for what felt like hours, but somehow I knew that not even a second had passed. Everything inside the van: the dashboard, windows, ceiling, doors, even Trent himself began to radiate enigmatic particles. They were a mass of constant motion, like raindrops falling through the air but never landing. I looked down at my hand, but it was gone. Diffused into an unknowable number of untraceable particles. The world outside, once devoid of color, was now nothing but color. When I tried to focus on a particular spot in the infinite geometric folds of whatever realm we were traversing through, I could sometimes detect a trace of our world.
The old lady from the church. She appeared as if through a window, standing behind a table, holding out a plant. Only this image was so much brighter. And the plant she was holding was pure gold. Then I'd catch a glimpse of the razor blade. It was large, many hundreds of times larger than the van, and surrounded by darkness. These ghostly images appeared like holograms or reflections that caught the light at just the right angle, then dissipated.
I stayed there, looping between the archetypes of my life for a long, long time.
***
I knew we were returning when I felt the first sense of motion. Breath filled my lungs for the first time in what felt like a day. I blinked. And then we were back in town, driving down the same road with the blue sky above. People were jogging on the sidewalk past the little street shops. The streetlights were active. I checked the side mirror and saw the tanker had just passed by.
I looked over at Trent, who met my eyes. We shared a look of knowing, and unknowing. For some reason, that was enough, and we continued on in silence.
***
We agreed to stay the night at my house.
Trent had parked a couple blocks away in front of a couple vacant houses so as not to arouse suspicion from the neighbors. Then he lugged a large duffel bag with his equipment in and set it up in the living room. He scanned the scrapbook which contained the newspaper clippings from the accident several times and confirmed that was likely my 'origin point'. I simply nodded and then went back out onto the back porch. I sat there for hours, basking in the sun. Something had changed in the past day, but I couldn't pick out what it was. Too much had happened. I had too little time to process any of it.
When the sun set, I went inside and Trent told me about his plans for the next couple days. He said he needed to run a few errands in the morning, then meet up with a couple of his associates. After that, we could begin our drive to Southern Illinois. He said it was likely that the entity that was chasing me had first tied itself to me during my childhood accident. For whatever reason, we came into contact, and now it didn't want to leave. Trent would help me get rid of it. He didn't go into many details regarding how that was to happen, but I don't think in my tired state I would have been able to understand much anyway. He had a plan, and that was enough for me. At least for a while.
After our meeting, I made sure Trent had enough pillows and blankets like a proper host, then I retired to my room. I laid down on my twin bed and stared up at the cream-colored ceiling. Then I turned and saw the participation awards for my junior soccer league stashed on my dresser. I pictured myself on the field, running with the ball, out ahead of everyone except the goalie. I took a shot, but it was blocked. Then I ran back to defend. How can such a simple game be so much fun? Was the last thought I had before drifting off to sleep.
I woke up only once during the night. It was still dark out. The room was warm despite the small, flower petal fan churning away, shifting the hot, humid air from one pocket of the room to the next. I waited in apprehension, sensing that something had disturbed me. I saw the tomato plushie peeking out at me from the slightly ajar closet door where I had stashed it so many years ago. I felt like I was missing something. Something important.
And then I heard it.
There was a tapping at my window.

3 months ago, my relationship with a borderline ended. The relationship was a constant rollercoaster ride.
I knew she had BPD, she told me about her diagnosis about a month or two into the relationship and we only lasted about 6 months.
I tried so hard to understand the disorder, to not let it define her or our relationship, I wanted to help her with it too, I researched it, spoke about what I can do for her when she is splitting or feelings her emotions. I tried to give her all the support I could.
Now that time has passed and I am no longer blinded by her beauty or what I thought was an intense, genuine connection I see things clearly.
Once the relationship ended I began researching BPD, I spent hours every day trying to understand her and what happened between us. This became an obsession for me, something that distracted me from the chaotic breakup and my thoughts about her.
I lost a lot due to her, I gave up countless opportunities, missed out on experiences which I won’t have again due to the circumstances of our relationship and location. I compromised my mental health for hers, I lost friends and distanced myself from my family and I lost what was a significant amount of money for me.
The relationship was abusive like many here, I was gaslit, blackmailed, controlled, called names, devalued, and continuously punished for past mistakes.
We would spend hours fighting about something stupid, this mostly consisted of her being withdrawn from me, listing everything that was wrong with me, asking me to leave and then when I go to leave punishing me for that. I would miss meals due to these fights which complimented the stress I felt and often times the fight would end with me being pushed to my limit and breaking down.
I noticed that when we would fight that it would end if I started crying, I started allowing myself to cry in front of her during these times to try and put an end to the fights and this made me feel like a terrible person or narcissistic for deploying my emotions to stop her attacks and now as I look back I find that so devastating that I did that and thought those things.
Once the fights ended things would magically reset like nothing at all happened, we’d usually reconnect with sex which was always intense and frequent. Then the clock started again until the cycle repeated.
I had been pushed to my limit mentally, she had taken so much energy from me so my only option was to remove myself from her which meant leaving where I was and moving somewhere far away from her, this was partly due to other circumstances but mainly because of her.
She begged me to stay with her and go long distance, we had broken up multiple times before I made this decision in the space of a month and I was so exhausted and under pressure from her mother who was now involved with us that I gave in.
I left her, gave long distance a try for two weeks and then we had a massive fight, it was like a nuclear bomb detonating. She tried to overdose and I was made responsible for getting her help, I spent hours trying to find out where she was over the phone in a different time zone so the emergency services could get to her, thankfully they did.
She was brought to hospital and the relationship was put to an end by me, I explained what had happened was too much, wished her well and blocked her on everything (apart from one thing which she then sent me the most horrible message I’ve ever received on the next day, but I didn’t reply, I blocked that account too).
There has been no direct attempt to hoover ever since, I have not tried to contact her either and have no intention or desire of ever speaking to her again.
Immediately after what had happened I was relieved, I felt a massive weight lift from my shoulders and I wasn’t drowning with her anymore.
I went through every stage of grief, I went to counselling, had a massive break down to my parents, I felt so guilty for what had happened, I was depressed too. The anxiety I felt was unmatched to anything before, I was terrified of the smear campaign she promised to deliver, I accepted that she would ruin my life but it never came directly to me, I have no idea what she has told her friends but no harm has came my way (something I am so grateful for as I know some here have gone through some very difficult circumstances following a breakup with a borderline and you have my absolute sympathy if that is you).
After three months to the day, things are getting easier. I do not think about her as much as I did, I recognise her for who she is and how she treated me and I have accepted that I didn’t deserve that.
I don’t hate her, hate can help but it does not heal and holding resentment gives the borderline more power over you, it is important to acknowledge what happened, educate yourself on the disorder and forgive the circumstances, forgive the person as they do not know what they do, but never go back.
A borderline is not like you and I, their brain structure and chemistry is different to a regular person, they are an emotional child trapped in an adults body who has developed unhealthy coping mechanisms and strategies to get what they want which take years to unlearn.
The life of a borderline is internally and externally destructive, the chaos they feel in their mind is projected onto those around them and the clock only stops with them. They do not care about you, they can’t. A borderline cannot recognise what they do to others and whilst I used this as a justification for her treatment towards me, it is never a justification for abuse and makes things extraordinarily difficult to leave them.
I had accepted when I was with her that this is my life now, maybe one day in some years she will get better and her symptoms will go into remission. This is not the case, yes a borderline after years of therapy can manage their symptoms better and life might get easier for them and those around them but it is never your responsibility to wait for them.
A borderline mirrors you, they use you to regulate their emotions, they are an empty vassal that latches on to you and it is your job to provide them with stability in their minds. They are parasites for your energy and emotional stability.
Before I met her I was a confident, easy going, happy young man. Now I am damaged, emotionally drained and my mental health is starting to get better but it was the worst it has ever been.
Things do get better though, it is normal to miss them, to think that things could be different, they make promises to work on themselves, they tell you things will be different but things will never change. They make you think you are a perfect person, they boost your ego by putting you on a pedestal and we become addicted to that treatment.
I imagine what my days would be like if she was still in my life and we continued long distance, I see myself spending hours on the phone with her, worrying about when the next outburst will be, spending hours getting her to come to her senses and stop splitting on me. Feeling on edge constantly.
I am much happier trading those feelings for the feelings of peace and freedom, I would much rather feel lonely and sad sometimes than have her in my life.
Yes, my relationship was short, we did not have children, we weren’t married and I got out quickly. I am lucky to be in that position. But for those who may be coming out of a relationship with a borderline, you have your life back now no matter how long it was, reality for what it is will return to you and you do not need to live in their chaotic fantasy world any more.
Educate yourself on the disorder, look after yourself and take your time to recover because you need it. Things do get easier and it will get better, remain in no contact and let time heal your wounds.

I spend a lot of time researching how our nervous system works and what may contribute to the development of Visual Snow and other symptoms. Remember that there is a lot of vital information that I do not know, and may greatly benefit our understanding of this condition. Visual snow is described as an "epileptic" firing in the visual system in the brain. (Tinnitus behaves very similarly but it is occurring in the auditory nerves) NMDA glutamate receptors, which are overexpressed after excitotoxic injury may well be the trigger of an increased spontaneous firing in the nerves. In turn, the brain would decode this increased firing as "visual snow" The idea is that remaining nerve endings have been damaged enough to overexpress NMDA Glutamate receptors, thus increasing their spontaneous firing.There are various factors that contribute to the development of this condition. Everybody first had an initial trigger, and this varies from person to person. Common causes include stress, trauma, recreational and prescription drugs, Lyme, mold, heavy metals, and other toxic exposures. But what they all result in is brain injury and neuronal damage. The severity varies from person to person. The consequences of such injury doesn't just cause break in communication between healthy neurons, but a cascade of events that can lead to further neuronal degeneration and cell death. That is where visual snow comes in. Think of a broken radio or a TV where it isn't able to receive and process incoming signals so the outcome is a lot of visual/auditory noise. Our brains behave in a similar manner when there is an interference with proper neuron function and communication.Another good example is a type of neuropathic pain called paresthesia where you experience tingling and pricking sensations in various parts of your body. When nerves are damaged, they can't communicate properly and that miscommunication causes symptoms such as pain, tingling or numbness.Medical researchers searching for new medications for visual snow often look to the connection between the nerve cells in the brain and the various agents that act as neurotransmitters, such as the central nervous system's primary excitatory neurotransmitter glutamate. Visual snow can be caused when damaged brain cells emit an excess of glutamate. Many treatments use ingredients that work as glutamate antagonists, or inhibitors. Communication between nerve cells in the brain is accomplished through the use of neurotransmitters. There are many compounds that act as neurotransmitters including acetylcholine, serotonin, GABA, glutamate, aspartate, epinephrine, norpinephrine and dopamine. These chemicals attach to nerve cells at specific receptors that allow for only one type of neurotransmitter to attach.Some of the neurotransmitters are excitatory; leading to increased electrical transmission between nerve cells. Others are inhibitory and reduce electrical activity. The most common excitatory neurotransmitters are glutamate and aspartate while the primary inhibitory neurotransmitter is GABA. It is necessary for excitatory and inhibitory neurotransmitters to be in balance for proper brain function to occur.Communication over synapses between neurons are controlled by glutamate. When brain cells are damaged, excessive glutamate is released. Glutamate is well known to have neurotoxic properties when excessively released or incompletely recycled. This is known as excitotoxicity and leads to neuronal death.Excess glutamate opens the sodium channel in the neuron and causes it to fire. Sodium continues to flow into the neuron causing it to continue firing. This continuous firing of the neuron results in a rapid buildup of free radicals and inflammatory compounds. These compounds attack the mitochondria, the energy producing elements in the core of the neuron cell. The mitochondria become depleted and the neuron withers and dies.Excitotoxicity has been involved in a number of acute and/or degenerative forms of neuropathology such as epilepsy, autism, ALS, Parkinson’s, schizophrenia, migraines, restless leg syndrome, tourettes, pandas, fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis, Huntington's, seizures, insomnia, hyperactivity, OCD, bipolar disorder and anxiety disorders.(Doctors use two basic ways to correct this imbalance. The first is to activate GABA receptors that will inhibit the continuous firing caused by glutamate. The second way to correct the imbalance is use antogonists to glutamate and its receptor N-methyl-d-aspartate (NMDA). These are termed glutamate or NMDA antagonists. By binding with these receptors, the antagonist medication reduces glutamate-induced continuous firing of the neuron. This explains why some drugs like clonazepam and lamictal are able to help relieve symptoms in some patients. They help reduce excitatory action in the brain temporarily)Anxiety, depression, brain fog, depersonalization, visual disturbances (including visual snow, palinopsia, blue field entoptic phenomenon, photophobia, photopsia) headaches, tinnitus, are all common symptoms associated with increased excitatory activity in the brain. Excessive glutamate is the primary villain in visual snow.I strongly believe there are some genetic components that play a huge role in the development of Visual Snow and makes some individuals more susceptible to developing it. Normally, glutamate concentration is tightly controlled in the brain by various mechanisms at the synapse. There are at least 30 proteins that are membrane-bound receptor or transporter proteins at, or near, the glutamate synapse that control or modulate neuronal excitability. But in Visual Snow sufferers, my hypothesis is that we carry a faulty gene that results in dysregulation of the proteins that control and regulate glutamate excitability. They are unknown as more research will be needed.We live in a society where we are stressed emotionally, financially, physically and exposed to a range of toxins in our environment. Combining underlying genetic susceptibility with these other factors creates all the ingredients for a perfect storm.Stress + Infectious Agents (if any) + Toxins + Genetic Susceptibility = Health ConditionIncluded below is a list of things that can lead to excitotoxicity. The list includes trauma, drugs, environmental, chemicals and miscellaneous causes of brain cell damage. (Keep in mind everybody's bodies behave and react differently to various substances)-Severe Stress (Most people that are stressed out don’t realize that once the fight-or-flight response gets activated it can release things like cortisol and epinephrine into the body. Although these boost alertness, in major concentrations, the elevated levels of cortisol over an extended period of time can damage brain functioning and kill brain cells)-Free Radicals – Free radicals are highly-reactive forms of oxygen that can kill brain cells and cause brain damage. If the free radicals in your brain run rampant, your neurons will be damaged at a quicker rate than they can be repaired. This leads to brain cell death as well as cognitive decline if not corrected. (Common causes are unhealthy diet, lifestyle and toxic exposure)-Head Trauma (like concussion or contusion) MRI can detect damaged brain tissue BUT not damaged neurons. -Dehydration (severe)-Cerebal Hypoxia-Lyme disease-Narcolepsy-Sleep Apnea-Stroke-Drugs (recreational or prescription) -Amphetamine abuse-Methamphetamines-Antipsychotics-Benzodiazepine abuse-Cocaine-Esctasy -LSD-Cannabis-Tobacco-Inhalants-Nitrous Oxide-PCP-Steroids-Air Pollution-Carbon Monoxide-Heavy Metal Exposure (such as lead, copper and mercury)-Mold Exposure-Welding fumes-Formaldehyde-Solvents-Pesticides-Anesthesia-Aspartame-MSG (Monosodium Glutamate is found in most processed foods and is hidden under many various names)-Solvents-Chemotherapy-Radiation-Other toxic exposuresInside the Glutamate StormBy: Vivian Teichberg, and Luba Vikhanski"The amino acid glutamate is the major signaling chemical in nature. All invertebrates (worms, insects, and the like) use glutamate for conveying messages from nerve to muscle. In mammals, glutamate is mainly present in the central nervous system, brain, and spinal cord, where it plays the role of a neuronal messenger, or neurotransmitter. In fact, almost all brain cells use glutamate to exchange messages. Moreover, glutamate can serve as a source of energy for the brain cells when their regular energy supplier, glucose, is lacking. However, when its levels rise too high in the spaces between cells—known as extracellular spaces—glutamate turns its coat to become a toxin that kills neurons.As befits a potentially hazardous substance, glutamate is kept safely sealed within the brain cells. A healthy neuron releases glutamate only when it needs to convey a message, then immediately sucks the messenger back inside. Glutamate concentration inside the cells is 10,000 times greater than outside them. If we follow the dam analogy, that would be equivalent to holding 10,000 cubic feet of glutamate behind the dam and letting only a trickle of one cubic foot flow freely outside. A clever pumping mechanism makes sure this trickle never gets out of hand: When a neuron senses the presence of too much glutamate in the vicinity—the extracellular space—it switches on special pumps on its membrane and siphons the maverick glutamate back in.This protective pumping process works beautifully as long as glutamate levels stay within the normal range. But the levels can rise sharply if a damaged cell spills out its glutamate. In such a case, the pumps on the cellular membranes can no longer cope with the situation, and glutamate reveals its destructive powers. It doesn’t kill the neuron directly. Rather, it overly excites the cell, causing it to open its pores excessively and let in large quantities of substances that are normally allowed to enter only in limited amounts.One of these substances is sodium, which leads to cell swelling because its entry is accompanied by an inrush of water, needed to dilute the surplus sodium. The swelling squeezes the neighboring blood vessels, preventing normal blood flow and interrupting the supply of oxygen and glucose, which ultimately leads to cell death. Cell swelling, however, is reversible; the cells will shrink back once glutamate is removed from brain fluids. More dangerous than sodium is calcium, which is harmless under normal conditions but not when it rushes inside through excessively opened pores. An overload of calcium destroys the neuron’s vital structures and eventually kills it.Regardless of what killed it, the dead cell spills out its glutamate, all the vast quantities of it that were supposed to be held back by the dam. The spill overly excites more cells, and these die in turn, spilling yet more glutamate. The destructive process repeats itself over and over, engulfing brain areas until the protective pumping mechanism finally manages to stop the spread of glutamate."Recent research has confirmed that hypermetabolism has been primarily found in the right lingual gyrus and left cerebellar anterior lobe of the brain in individuals suffering from visual snow. The definition of hypermetabolism is described as "the physiological state of increased rate of metabolic activity and is characterized by an abnormal increase in metabolic rate." Hypermetabolism typically occurs after significant injury to the body. It serves as one of the body's strongest defence against illness and injury. This means that the brain is trying to compensate for the injured areas in the brain by increasing metabolism to meet it's high energy demands. It is trying to function to the best of it's ability under the circumstances. Normally the body can heal itself and regenerate under the right circumstances. But it is extremely difficult for the central nervous system - which includes the spinal cord and brain to be able to do so, due to it's inhibitory environment which prevents new neurons from forming. That is where stem cells come in. Stem cells are an exciting new discovery, because they can become literally any cell in the body including neurons. This is an amazing scientific breakthrough and has the potential to treat a whole host of conditions. Scientists are currently doing research and conducting trials.Excitotoxicity can trigger your "fight or flight" response, as this is the body's primary response to illness, injury or infection. If the brain and the body remain in the sympathetic fight or flight state for too long and too often, it is degenerative; it breaks us down. If this cycle continues, then eventually the system burns out. It is this cycle that results in autonomic nervous system dysfunction. The results are disastrous, digestion is shut down, metabolism, immune function and the detoxification system is impaired, blood pressure and heart rate are increased, circulation is impaired, sleep is disrupted, memory and cognitive function may be impaired, neurotransmitters are drained, our sense of smell, taste and sound are amplified, high levels of norepinephrine are released in the brain and the adrenal glands release a variety of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.I believe in order to find a treatment or cure for VS and it's accompanying symptoms, we need to address the underlying cause, reduce the excess excitatory activity in the brain, repair the damaged neurons, regain proper communication between neurons, rebalance the autonomic nervous system and prevent further cellular damage. We also need to figure out what genes, if any come into play. There is still a lot we don't know about the brain because it is such an remarkably complex organ.FAQsWon't lowering the levels of glutamate solve the problem? Well, not necessarily. That is just one piece of the puzzle. You have to remember that Visual Snow is a multifactorial and complex condition in which it stems from a number of different causes and influences. Based on my knowledge and the information I have gathered, I can conclude that the overstimulation of glutamate plays a huge role in VS and some other symptoms we experience. But there is still so much we don't know. That's why more research will be needed.Why is my condition worsening over time?That is a very good question. It is because the physiology, biology and chemistry of your brain and nervous system has been altered and has become dysfunctional since the initial trigger set off a domino of effects that leads to further degradation in the body. This puts a huge strain on your body and is constantly activating your stress response system. This will wreak havoc on your entire body. The stress response system was designed to deal with brief emergencies that threaten survival. It isn't supposed to last very long because the body cannot sustain itself for very long in this state. When you remain in "fight or flight" sympathetic state for too long, it becomes degenerative and breaks our bodies down. This affects every system in the body. When you are constantly under stress, the stress response system never turns off resulting in an ongoing destructive cycle. Stress can also exacerbate all your symptoms and makes you susceptible to developing other chronic health conditions. How is the gut related to VS?Having increased intestinal permeability is very common in this modern world because we are constantly being bombarded by toxins and stress. Our bodies weren't designed to handle such a huge burden. So we end up getting sick and become susceptible to kinds of diseases. Common causes include:-Poor diet (from excessive consumption of foods such as grains, legumes, sugars, alcohol)-Chronic stress-Toxin overload-Gut dysbiosis (It means you have a lack of beneficial bacteria in your gastrointestinal (GI) tract. They are overpowered and outnumbered by pathogens such as pathogenic bacteria, yeast, viruses, parasites)-Overuse of antibiotics When you have increased intestinal permeability, the epithelium on the villi of the small intestine becomes inflamed and irritated, which allows metabolic, microbial and environmental toxins and undigested food particles to flood into the blood stream. This event compromises the liver, the lymphatic system, and the immune response including the endocrine system. It is often the primary cause of the following common conditions: asthma, food allergies, chronic sinusitis, eczema, urticaria, migraine, irritable bowel, fungal disorders, fibromyalgia, and inflammatory joint disorders including rheumatoid arthritis are just a few of the diseases that can originate from having poor gut health.This sets the stage for chronic systemic inflammation, oxidative stress, mitochondrial dysfunction, impaired detoxification, gastrointestinal dysfunction and immune system dysregulation.Some toxins have the ability to damage and destroy neurons, myelin sheaths, synapses and even DNA. An overload of toxins that the immune system is not able to get rid of disrupts normal brain function. This eventually initiates an autoimmune response where the immune system attacks the brain and nerve cells as it tries it’s best to eliminate the toxins.The mitochondria are the energy producing section of your cells. When they are damaged by the toxic overload in the brain cells and are not able to produce energy to fuel the cell, the cell dies.In order to stop this vicious cycle, the underlying biological mechanisms of VS needs to be understood. That is the first step that needs to be taken. Any other stressors also needs to be addressed in order to reduce the overall stress load.It is important to know that VS is just a symptom of underlying physiological stress in the brain. Symptoms are your body's way of communicating with you, letting you know something is wrong in the body.I've come across some research indicating that microglial activation and elevated nitric oxide is involved in some neurological conditions. Basically the microglial cells are our brain's immune cells and when something triggers an inflammatory response, they activate and release harmful neurotoxic compounds (such as nitric oxide and pro-inflammatory cytokines) which results in neuronal injury/death. Microglial activation can also result in a loss of synaptic connections in different regions of the brain. It's basically an autoimmune response in the brain. The neuroinflammatory process appears to be an ongoing and chronic cycle of central nervous system dysfunction. This can deplete glutathione levels in the body. Glutathione is the body’s most important antioxidant which is capable of preventing oxidative damage caused by reactive oxygen species such as free radicals, peroxides, lipid peroxides, and heavy metals. This only further exaggerates the problem, which only leads to a cascade of increased inflammation.Nitric oxide plays a vital role in this process. Elevated nitric oxide levels reduces and impair natural killer cells which leads to a vulnerable immune system that is susceptible to a variety of systemic infections. -Phobe Zhang

I have devised this thread as some guidance for those people who have visited this forum and are concerned about specific symptoms that are effecting them and, in particular, those who are worried that these symptoms are an indication of neurological conditions such as Multiple Sclerosis (MS), Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) & Motor Neurone Disease (MND).
The first thing that must be realised is that NOBODY on an internet forum can ever diagnose you or truly give you any reassurance that you do not have these conditions. Should anybody experience any signs or symptoms that are new to them they should ALWAYS approach their doctor in the first instance in order for these to be examined. In the vast majority of cases a GP will be able to advise you that these symptoms are benign but some doctors will often refer you to a neurologist for their opinion, if this should happen it is not value laden as regarding a possible diagnosis but rather would be the standard format for how you present to the doctor.
This thread is good news, it is good news because it has had to be written, it is good news because hundreds, maybe thousands of people have logged onto this board and countless other anxiety forums totally convinced that they are suffering from a neurological condition despite being told by health care profesionals that this is not the case. All these people ask the same questions and all these people have the exact same worries as you are having now. If this is you, if you have been to the doctor, maybe even a neuro, maybe even two neuro’s, maybe even had an MRI, maybe even two MRI’s, well, you get the picture, if you have been told by your health care profesional that you are healthy but you are struggling to believe this you may find some help from this thread.
So, you have come to an anxiety board. I guess that is because your doctor has told you that you are suffering from anxiety. Actually, my guess would be that your doctor has told you that you are suffering from ‘just’ anxiety and, if you are lucky, you may have been given some leaflets, you may have had some books recommended and you may even have been given some medication.
So, what took you to the doctor? Was it the tingling? The pins & needles? That damned annoying twitching eyelid that just won’t let up? Was it that weird thing when you keep seeing the flashing in your periphiral vision? The strange sensation in your throat where you just can’t swallow? The constant muscle aches and cramps? The constant small joint aches and cramps? Do you have that weird internal vibrating feeling? Was it the percieved weakness in all your major limbs? What about the foot drop you have been noticing, the clumsiness, finding the car keys in the fridge? Was it the chronic constant fatigue, that feeling when you wake in the morning like you haven’t actually gone to bed? What about the myclonic jerking, that bizarre moment when your whole body jerks like you have had an electric shock? Was it that constant twitching in your calf muscles that looks like you have a bag of worms under your skin? It could have been the parathesia, the feeling on your skin where one moment it feels sunburnt and the next minute it feels soaking wet? Maybe it was the atrophy, you know, the muscle loss in your bicep, your thigh that is so obvious to you but what frustratingly nobody else can see? What about………are you bored? I’m bored!
So, you have had some of those right? Maybe like me you are unlucky enough to have had every one of them…not much fun is it! When you first started getting these weird and wonderful symptoms cropping up I bet one of the first things you did was run off to the all powerful internet and consult that all knowing oracle, the good lord GOOGLE. If you did this, if you searched for your symptoms on a search engine on the internet, congratualtions, you have taken the first step on developing this weird and wonderful anxiety disorder known as Health Anxiety. The reason we Google is because of a basic human need at a time of stress, we are scared and we want reassurance, the problem is nothing you ever read on the internet will give you the reassurance you need, you will unwittingly discard the plethora of evidence that tells you that you do not have a neurological illness and instead will latch onto and inflate those things which seem ambigous, why would you do this? I suggest that at this point it may be adavantagous for you to look in the Genaralized Anxiety Disorder folder on this forum and see the negative thought processes and over generalization and catastrophising that defines GAD, it just may ring some bells for you.
So, by the time you have gone to the doctor you are pretty much resigned to the fact that it is MS or if you are really unlucky ALS. You picture yourself in a wheelchair, the kids looking at you with pity as you can’t play sports in the park with them anymore, you picture your partner standing by you and caring for you but all the while you feel the resentment, they never signed up for this, you picture the scene in four years time, confined to a hospital bed with your family and friends round you with the fruit and flowers…..BUT WAIT!
Oh joyous news, the doctor has said you don’t have MS, you don’t have ALS, what you have is anxiety, well, just anxiety….oh believe me there is a BIG difference. You have got out of jail free! The doctor has examind you thoroughly, he has taken your history, he knows the patterns, he has seen people with MS and ALS and you are not one of those. With a skip and a step you are on your way, same time next year doctor, yep, no worries…so with a happy heart and an increased vigour you are off out of the surgery door to continue with your life that had been on hold up to then. MS, ALS how could you be so silly eh?
…and then it begins! Right, the doctor said this is anxiety, I’m not anxious though, why do I still have these symptoms if I’m not anxious….something just isn’t right here. The more you think about it the more it seems obvious, hold on, I saw the doctor on Friday afternoon, I bet he was just thinking about the weekend and wanted to get rid of me. I’m sure that the doctor should have done more tests than he did you know, crikey, I’m sure when I told him the numbness was down just the one side he didn’t listen to that, that bit is crucial and he never heard it. Hold on, this freakin eye twitch is getting even worse and I’m not even anxious, where is the telephone? What is that doctors number?……welcome to the loop!
If any of the above seems familier to you, believe me, you are not alone…as strange as it may seem the fixation on being convinced you have a neurological condition after being told that you are in actual fact suffering from anxiety in very common.
Firstly, you need to realise that both MS and ALS are rare disease’s. Not only are they both rare disease’s but they also tend to effect spefic groups based on ethnicity, age and sex so we are talking about rare disease with partial excluding factors. In contrast, anxiety is an incredibly common and debilitating condtion that effects people both physically and mentally.
Anxiety is generally percieved to be a mental condition, when we are anxious we are anxious in our head and this can kick in the flight or fight syndrome which in turn causes the physical reactions. These reactions are generally thought to be a racing heart and palpitations, sweating, increased adrenaline etc etc. Now, this is all well and good but how does this fit in with those symptoms that mirror MS etc so effectivly.
I personally believe that the reason most people fail to be believe that their symptoms are being genrated by anxiety is because the concept of anxiety is never actually expalined sufficently. A large number of doctors will often expalin to you that you are suffering from ‘just’ anxety and this usage of the term ‘just’ is supposed to make us somehow feel reassured. The problem is that this has the opposite effect, how can a ‘just’ something cause all these real physical symptoms. If anxiety is effecting me mentally how can it make me twitch, buzz and go numb?
For some people anxiety will surface in the tradional panic attack, much seems to be written on this side of anxiety and this is not what we are concerned with here. For a sizable group of people when anxiety starts to manifest itself physically it is through physical sesnations that effect various aspects of our nervous system. This is why the sensations of this physical anxiety so closely mirror the symptoms of a condition such as MS, they actually effect the same part of the body, now, here is the crucial and all important difference, the symptoms of MS are caused by an organic condition which whilst treatable is irreversable and the physical sensations of anxiety are caused by the mind and are of course reversable. In short, you have to understand and accept that the mind can actually generate these physical sensations.
Whilst for many people physical anxiety can strike out of the blue, I am of the opinion that for the vast majority of people anxiety starts to become physical after whay could be many years of bad stress and anxiety management. You may not have even noticed this. We all have an anxiety threshold and the majority of people will probably never approach the blow off point, yes, a sudden and severe stressor could take someone right over the point from the baseline (think Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & Conversion Disorder etc) but most of us operate at an anxiety level that our bodies can handle. The problem is that if we stress ourselves constantly over a period of time, we do not allow our thermostat to reset and one sunny day something will happen, some stressor which can be a bad or even a good event and which we may not even realise the significance of will push us over the limit and it is at this point that our anxiety will effect us physically and more often than not impact on our nervous system.
This also happens to bring us to another crucial factor and what for many is the paradox that holds us back form accepting the anxiety diagniosis, how the hell can this be anxiety when I am not anxious? It makes no sense to me! What we need to realise is that once we have crossed the anxiety threshold no matter what we do we have to surrender ourselves to our mind and body and accept that we are now operating to a timescale that WE CANNOT CONTROL! We can think we are being as cool as Fonzie but we need to accept that the damage whilst reversible has been done and it is just a case of closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. Our body is now in control of us and the physical sensations will only stop when our body and mind are sufficently recovered.
It is at this point where we commit the ultimate folly, do we do as the experts suggest and sit back and realx and float through this stage? Of course not, we do the total opposite, we monitor our body for every twitch and interpret this as a sign of a misdiagnosis, we become hypervigilant, paranoid, self absorbed…this behaviour just creates more and more anxiety and we do not allow our body and mind the time necessary to recover….we are, in effect, pouring gasoline on the fire and expecting it to go out.
If you read this forum you will find a variety of posts that will offer you suggestions as to why you are suffering from the physical sensations of anxiety. Some people will advocate medication, some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy etc etc but what you will realise is that there is no one right way. I am truly of the belief that recovery is all about acceptance and learning to respond to fear correctly but how we do this is very much an indvidual thing. It could well be that you have issues with GAD and you can see how patterns realting to that disorder resonate with how you currently feel about your health, for example, note how both MS and ALS are diseases with which we lose control of our bodies. It could also be that you have issues with OCD, traits such as reassurance seeking and body and symptom monitoring could suggest this. There may well be suggestions that you could be sufferring from elements of depression, there is as school of thought that believes that the mind will somatise physical sensations when there are aspects of your life that your unconcious is unhappy with etc.
I hope this has helped if you have just visited here convinced you have MS etc and you are feeling scared and confused. You may have noticed I have not mentioned anything specific about MS or ALS and that is because there is no reason to...you do not have those. Your doctor has told you you are suffering from anxiety and therefore you are in the right place. Refrain from researching about diseases you do not have and instead concentrate on dealing with what you have today. Of course, what you have today doesn’t guarantee you won’t have MS or ALS tomorrow and if that thought fills you with fear use your time here wisely and believe me, it becomes a lot more bearable.