Just got back from Vietnam - North to South tour over a couple of weeks around my partner's birthday. Absolutely loved the experience and would love to visit again and slow down the travel to take things in a bit more.
I have some tips for folk from my own experience. I'm from the UK - and specifically Cornwall where tourism is a mainstay of our local economy and I know what it's like to have your land flooded with tourists.
1: the pound is roughly 30000 Vietnamese dong, so divide by 3 and knock off some noughts. It's easier to knock off the last three 0s from the dong price first. Very important for weighing up the personal value of something you might buy/are being hassled to buy.
2: Security at airports is not like our biometric passport scanners in the UK - it's guys in very officious looking uniforms taking their sweet time to weigh up whether you should be let in (or out) of the country. Bear this in mind for planning follow up transport or arriving for a flight. Huge queues. It took about an hour after arriving to get through security, and an hour and a half when departing for our UK flight (important as they were shutting the doors by the time we got through security).
3 phone data - while queuing to get into the country in Ho Chi Minh, we opted to buy some local SIM cards from a stall next to the queues. They were £8 each and gave us unlimited data for our 2 weeks. Ideal. Might be able to get it cheaper but convenience after 20 hours of travelling was worth it.
4 airport transfers - take advantage of these where offered. Again, just takes the stress out of things as we found the country quite overwhelming, especially HCMC and Hanoi (overwhelming in a good way though).
5 city markets - we went to Hanoi, Cat Ba, Hoi An, Phú Quoc and Saigon and in each place there was a sizeable (Cat Ba was smaller) market advertised as a "must see" experience but in truth is the same place selling knock off clothes, luggage, souvenirs, food ingredients, etc. Every fourth or fifth stall is EXACTLY the same stuff. It gets boring after 10 minutes. Would advise visiting this wherever you are on your last day to buy some stuff to take home rather than lugging it around.
6 scooters - I wouldn't consider this unless you know how to ride a scooter, especially in the cities. Vietnamese traffic is an organic wonder to beyond from the safety of a taxi.
7 crossing the road - for UK folk, they drive on the other side in Vietnam. Very important to look both ways but believe the hype, pick your moment and go confidently - Vietnamese also have incredible spacial awareness to avoid you.
8 GRAB - download the app, add your card and Grab away. Again, speaking of convenience and least stress, you will quickly appreciate not walking for 20 minutes in +30° city heat and choosing to take an air conditioned taxi. For comparison, a trip that would cost about a tenner in UK costs a £1. Incredible value for your wallet, comfort and time.
9 food - try everything. OK, maybe Thit Cho on Hanoi is a stretch too far for the average Brit but everything else should be experienced. Personal favourites were Hotpot (so wish we had similar in UK) and BBQ where it's in the middle of the table and you do all the grilling. You can find Pho for equivalent of about £1 if you need shoestring food.
10 wine - some places sell local Dalat wine which is OK but wine is not a big deal in Vietnam and is usually at least UK price if not more. My partner found this hard as she doesn't like beer and didn't want to drink cocktails all holiday. Dalat is perfectly good plonk though - white and red.
11 Hoi An - don't believe the hype. We spent too long here (so sorry Saigon, you weren't as loved as you should have been). It can be done in a day and you've experienced it all. Reviews were lead to believe there was more to it. Nightlife was a laugh in a trashy way though if you want to do the whole Brits abroad thing.
12 Be respectful - my experience was that Vietnamese are a country of grinders who work all hours of the day. So speaking of Brits (or anyone else) abroad be respectful that not everyone you see is there for your photo opp or to help you and those in markets and hospitality are making a living, so don't waste their time. British especially are a nation of window shoppers and I'm not sure that came across too well on our travels. Try to be low key while you weave around the lives of Viet folk.
13 Learn to confidently say "no thanks" - politely saying "no thanks, just looking" and moving on is a valuable tool for getting through certain touristy areas. Engaging with folk will both give that person the wrong expectations and exhaust you in the process.
14 Google Translate - download this and use for basic enquiries. I don't think I was saying Xin Chao, Cam On or Tam Biet properly, so for anything beyond that, I have no clue. Don't assume people speak English - some are good enough to say Hello first to get past that.
15 Find a spot and just watch - find a coffee shop, relax and watch a very different people go about their lives. Things I enjoyed: how cool all the young people are; how obsessed the young folk are about selfies; care of children; karaoke round the dinner table (understand not to everyone's taste); friends enjoying a hotpot; lads fighting a crab into said hotpot; groups of friends having animated toasts after work; care of old folk; many and varied ways to use a scooter to carry people, goods, materials, flat screen TVs, dogs.
16 Beers in order of my personal taste - Saigon Red; Larue; Saigon Special; Hanoi; 333
17 Beer St in Saigon - go walk through it. I have never seen anything like it. Don't necessarily stop there but go observe it's wild, perverse nature.
18 If staying in a hotel, before you head out for the day, soak a flannel in water, put it in a glass, put the glass in the fridge. You will appreciate it when you get back from your enevitablely roasting walk around town (mad dogs and Englishman..).
19 pack for very hot weather (in May at least). I took a set of clothes for UK - these were worn to and from the airport and otherwise lived at the bottom on my bag. Otherwise, shorts, t-shirts and light shirts to keep the sun off. Even cotton t-shirts felt too much at times. My favourite items were a matched black linen shirt and shorts I bought out there. Pretty much lived out of them exclusively towards the end of the trip. Must have announced my musky presence from a great distance. Utilise the laundry services for sure.
20 ignore the rubbish - try to tune it out and adjust your hygiene expectations. This is important as in two weeks, I got blisters, bites, at anything and yet came away without food poisoning, infection or anything else. It's an eyesore at times to these soft UK eyes but don't let it ruin the trip. Hope Vietnam authorities can do more to handle that as it'll mount up the more the country is discovered.
Sure there's more but just offloading after getting back. Hope it helps.

I'm so fucking sick of taking 1-3 hours to fall asleep (yes THREE HOURS) each night and then waking up long before I get 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Whereas I know that many other people fall asleep and for a long time uninterrupted much much faster, like my dad who will be snoring in less than 5 mins. No I don't have any diagnosed sleep disorders, my body in particular is just fucking retarded. Just wound up with this sorry excuse for a body how unfortunate oh well
Tonight I made it a point to sleep extra early, at 11pm, when I had been sleeping at 1-3am for a while before. I took a warm shower, then immediately went to bed without looking at any screens (even if I did, both my phone and computer are perpetually on night mode anyway). I also don't drink alcohol or abuse any substances, basically I should be in good condition to have restful sleep most nights. Well guess what? I actually did fall asleep relatively quickly, probably in under an hour, but my retard fuck body ruins what would be a productive sleep by waking up at 2am and it's been an hour of lying in the dark trying every USELESS fucking sleep help technique i know of (counting backwards from 500, thinking of words for each letter of the alphabet, relaxing muscles one by one... all strategies that seem to work for other people having trouble sleeping but OF COURSE NOT ME), so I give up and I'm here ranting about how much I want to inflict suffering on my own useless noncooperative pussy of a body. Daytime tomorrow I'm probably going to be tired as shit and only THEN I'll fall asleep easily........ hmmmm i wonder why? fucking retard
It's like you don't want to work with me you fucking sorry piece of meat. I work out on most days and stuff food down my body, wayyy more calories than my natural bitch body's appetite, both healthy things that would be expected to help sleep, but then this shit happens? Is this shit youre pulling on me your way of getting revenge on me for putting you through this (exercising and eating like a healthy person)? I'm doing this for you and our health you fucking ingrate.
I also have diarrhea rn, have had it for a few days, I don't even know how the fuck that happens considering that my day to day diet (which is pretty healthy as far as I can tell; good macronutrients, calorie surplus to gain weight, and good amount of water) barely fluctuates. In theory 1L of milk every day may in theory result in the shits, but I have been drinking the same amount of milk everyday for months without any problems (I know it's the same because I buy those 3-pack bags of milk from the store and go through 1 bag/day). And if it turns out im lactose intolerant? Oh well just another entry in my body's massive catalogue of faults, no surprise there.
Speaking of eating, also such a fucking pussy in that regard. Tonight 2am woke up with extreme hunger pangs even though I finished eating, meeting my daily calorie/protein goal right before bed (and lying down or taking a shower soon after eating is apparently bad for you, wow very cool! fucking retarded human body requires so much shit and then refuses to work even when those requirements are met) so im here typing this as i eat goldfish crackers. I spend a disgusting amount of time cooking, shopping and calorie counting (which is fine) but also a disgusting amount of time EATING because my body is, again, a fucking pussy. I am probably one of the slowest eaters I know period, I could probably literally be starving and still take 30min to finish 500cal worth of rice. And the constant gagging that always seems to happen in the latter half of any meal, shut the fuck up and down it you useless sack of shit.
Ok now lets talk about the gym. Weak ass pathetic fucking body, of course i am small and skinny by default because my genetics said fuck you and im stuck with this. I've been training on and off for almost 2 years now yet some people who have literally never touched a weight or counted a single calorie in their life can probably lift more than me and somehow also progress faster and gain faster if they keep going because woohoo genetics!!!! maybe if you decided to cooperate and sleep like a normal functional body you would be much better off physically? unless you want to be a fucking loser for good, you sorry cunt. Now don't get me wrong, I have improved quite a lot over my training, but... see above
I wish I could dissociate my mind, soul and consciousness from my body, give it a retroactive consciousness of its own, and punish it for all the bitchmade shit its been pulling. Don't want to fall asleep? Well I hope you enjoy being fully awake for the whole night because I'm going to be torturing you medieval style the whole time. Thats what you wanted right? Hahahaha. Want to pussy out like usual and nap during the day? Too bad, you asked for it. Bitchmade eating difficulty? I will shove more food down your gullet than you can handle, lets see how you are after that... or I'll completely starve you instead since you don't want to eat right? Fucking cunt. And weak ass body at the gym? Either I'll make sure you train to failure every time until your very sinews are tearing, or I'll let your muscles atrophy to nothing since thats what you wanted right?
And this is just the physical side of things, not even going to get into the other shit. At least I'm mentally okay I guess, don't have depression or anxiety or anything, so we know those arent causing my somatic problems its just my body being fucking stunted
There is so much more I want to get out but it's 4am now and i'm tired on less than 3 hours of sleep and we all know why. yes, it's so fun how I'm too tired to do anything, yet unable to sleep! so very fun!! worst of both worlds, thanks for nothing fucking disabled body. I'm going to play video games to hopefully wear myself out ENOUGH, then try to head back to sleep with zero guarantee of success. good night

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

Hey everyone! Random Appalachian here. I just wanted to check back in with you all and provide some updates, as well as some exciting, if personal, news. I have to type this quick, as my work break ends soon, so pardon any typos, grammatical errors, or weirdly structured sentences.
For those of you who don’t know, I’m a park ranger in real life, and work at a wildlife reserve in Ohio. We’ve been having some issues with vandalism in our northern woods for a few months, and despite our best attempts, haven’t been able to find the culprit. It’s been immensely frustrating, especially when more paint has shown up on more trails, ranging from slashes, lines, and crosses, to dots and even letters. Normally we wouldn’t get too bent out of shape over a few trees being painted, but it’s well over 60 at this point, and widespread throughout the forest. None of the official people who help us maintain the trails in that area say they are responsible, and yet many of the markings seem to be blazes for trails. However the markings are at times absurdly close together, or in abstract places that make no logical sense. One “trail” is no more than perhaps 30 yards long and runs right along a massive clearing in a semi-circle, within plain sight of the clearing, and goes to nowhere; it goes into the woods, and pops back out into the clearing only 30-ish yards away. Most of our established trails that have been painted already have well-made trail markings of our own, and the trails are well-blazed. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to why these things are there at all. I don’t think it’s anything sinister, though the painter has left his/her paint cans in the woods before, so at the very least, they’re a litterbug. There is the concern about potential poaching, which can be a problem in our area. Sure, deer and turkey are commonplace in my rural community, but they are only that way because of conservation and game laws that keep populations intact. Local hunters play a big part in conservation, and if someone starts taking more than their fair share through poaching, that means less for everyone else, and upsets the balance of things. The sad thing is, unlike legal hunters who often hunt for meat for their families, (food is expensive nowadays) poachers usually do it for trophies, antlers, or ‘fans’ from the turkey tail-feathers. But our painter has yet to take any game to our knowledge. We’ve found no gut piles, blood, or discarded gear anywhere. So, if he’s not poaching . . . what on earth does he want?
Then a few weeks ago, we did find a camera inside our central perimeter.
To put this into perspective, we have roughly 10,000 acres to our little reserve. Only 1/3 is fenced in, containing our exotic animals for our tours, and our buildings that we use to operate. Offices, mechanical garages, barns, and storage sheds, that sort of thing. Usually if we have trespassing issues, it's in the northern woods, which is open to the public for walking/biking trails. Sometimes in the southern prairie reserve we get some wanderers, but it's pretty open, so people tend to shy away from it. But our interior, the central area, most of which is fenced in, is sacred ground for us. We have a children’s camp in there for kids to learn about nature, we have our animal barns, and even some staff housing. For people to walk around in there would be like a stranger walking through your bedroom at night, while you’re in the shower.
Not cool. Not cool at all.
One of our ecology survey teams found the camera in a lesser-used section a mile or so north of the children’s camp. Naturally, they assumed it was one of ours, until one of the staff innocently asked another ranger why we’d put a camera by that lake. When the ranger told her that we didn’t have any cameras there, it began to sink in.
We either have two trespassers, or the painter has decided to move his game further into our land.
I’m hoping it’s the former, that I’m overthinking things, but after all, the mystery painter had to have seen a few of the trail cameras we put up in the north to catch him. Could he be doing this as a form of tit-for-tat? I don’t know, but it’s got us rangers frustrated, and our ecology team is spooked. It was fun and games in the unpopulated north, but now he’s getting close to our people, our guests, and our animals. This is serious now. We removed the camera, but there’s not really much we can do without more patrols, more cameras, and more rangers. With our budget already restricted, the last part just isn’t possible.
My foray into trail cameras yielded no results as to a culprit. In fact, the day I came in early to pull them out of the field, it seemed nothing went right. Only two came off the tree, as I forgot the keys for the locks for the other two. I couldn’t find the last one at first, and darkness fell before I could locate it, so that I was wandering around in the northern district in the blackness searching for it. Inadvertently this helped me find the camera in the end; I saw the red light flash as it took my picture and was able to retrieve the SD card. It was in my long return trek to the patrol truck that I discovered the marks on a remote trail I hadn’t walked yet. A capital O and a capital N were scrawled in various places, with dots over the letters. I took German in university, so I know they aren’t grammatical marks from that language, known as umlauts (pronounced as “oomlout” for my fellow English speakers; for all my German speakers, if I spelled that wrong, I apologize). I’d left my phone in the truck (stupid rookie move for a seasoned ranger, I know) so I couldn’t take any photos, and didn’t want to follow the trail too far in the pitch dark. I had a flashlight with spare batteries, as well as my gun (I’m not a complete moron after all) but I didn’t have time to do much exploring, since I had other duties in the park that were waiting on me. I had some VIP’s that were coming in late, and had to be escorted, which meant I had to clamber back to my truck, swatting at mosquitos the whole way. Nothing on the cameras showed any definitive proof, though we might have a lead on a guy with a bow case on his back. Could be nothing though; it’s not illegal to wear camo or carry things, and it could very well have been a camera case, a backpack, or an empty bow case.
In any event, we rangers are working on a strategy for changing up our patrol routes and putting more cameras in the field, as well as checking in on the children’s camp frequently throughout the night. So far, this mystery person hasn’t actually hurt anything that we know of, but even if this is just local kids having a prank, it’s not funny anymore.
Anyway, on to the other news. For the aforementioned reasons, as well as others, I’ve been super swamped this past month, and so writing on the third book in the Barron County trilogy has been slow. I wanted to release it at the beginning of June, but at this rate, I’m going to have to push that back to late June, possibly early July. I hate to think I’ve disappointed you all, but it’s just not ready yet. That, and I’ve been busy with something else . . . something big.
I’m getting married next week.
It’s been a long time coming, but my fiancé and I are super excited. We’ve known each other since kindergarten and have been best friends since forever. We’ve both been running like chickens with our heads cut off to get everything ready, and naturally, we’re both exhausted/somewhat nervous. Our honeymoon will require some flying, and since my fiancé has never been on a plane before, that’s a point of nervousness for her. I’m sure she’ll be fine once we’re in the air, but until then, she’s a bundle of nerves.
All that is to say, I am working on the story, it’s just taking a bit. I cannot wait to get back into the swing of things for all of you and thank you again for your supreme patience in this. You guys and gals are great, and entertaining you all is a massive privilege. Stay tuned for the third installment of the Barron County trilogy, and the epic conclusion of Hannah Brun’s journey into the unknown! Until next time.

It's okay to record, post and monetize (as long as you don't put it behind a paywall), just credit me.
Feel free to tweak it, change the roles and pronouns, correct my orthography, just don't change it too much.
Feedback is appreciated.
“hehehe, today is the day”
[pause]
“Finally, after months of frustration and failed attempts”
[pause]
“Today is the day I'll scare him!!!”
[pause]
“I'm sure he is going to say, “oh no a scary ghost, I have to leave this haunted place immediately”, and he will leave my house”
[pause]
“...”
[pause]
“He... is... late today...”
[pause]
“He is never this late”
[pause]
“Could it be that something has happened to him?”
[pause]
“What if he died?”
[pause]
“He better not have died before I had a chance to scare him”
[pause]
(SFX: keys on the door)
“Oh, there he is”
[pause]
“Okay, put you bag down, just like that and now...”
(SFX: door slams)
“ohohoho, I bet that scared him a lot!!!!”
[pause]
“...”
[pause]
“He isn’t even startled...”
[pause]
“Fine, time to get serious”
[pause]
“I’ll turn off the lights as soon as he walks into the kitchen”
[pause]
“One...”
[pause]
“Two...”
[pause]
“Three...”
[pause]
“That should do it”
[pause]
“What?”
[pause]
“No!!!!”
[pause]
“It isn’t your lightbulb, when has it been your lightbulb in the past six weeks?”
[pause]
“it’s me, it’s always been me”
[pause]
“See me!!! Fear me!!!”
[pause]
“What do I have to do, push you down the stairs?”
[pause]
“Actually, scratch that, last time you almost died”
[pause]
“Oh, he is about to sit, maybe I could...”
[pause]
(SFX: chair moves)
[pause]
“The chair moved on its own, surely you at least found that weird, right?”
[pause]
“No!! No!! No!! No!!”
[pause]
“don’t just sit on the chair...”
[pause]
“This wasn’t this difficult in the 80’s”
[pause]
“What is he doing now?”
[pause]
“Instant ramen again?”
[pause]
“He really should stop eating that”
[pause]
“It can’t be good for him”
[pause]
“I wonder what they taste like thought”
[pause]
“Idea, I'll turn on the stove and overboil his noodles”
[pause]
“As soon as he looks away...”
[pause]
“now”
[pause]
“What do you think about that mister I fear nothing”
[pause]
“What is he doing?”
[pause]
“You are just going to leave with the stove turned up like that?”
[pause]
“Well, I'm not turning it down...”
[pause]
“it’s starting to boil...”
[pause]
“And now is boiling...”
[pause]
“And now is spilling!!”
[pause]
“Hey!!! Can't you hear it?”
[pause]
“don’t you care about your soup? your pot? the kitchen? Your safety?”
[pause]
“fine”
[pause]
“I'll turn it off gee”
[pause]
“There you are, the kitchen could have burn you know?”
[pause]
“And you are just going to serve the noodles and move on, because of course you are”
[pause]
“What do I have to do?”
[pause]
“I have tried all the tricks, moving objects, making things disappear, weird noises, turning the lights on and off”
[pause]
“I would appear outside your bedroom wearing a bedsheet at this point”
[pause]
“I would lose my pride as a ghost if I did that”
[pause]
(sight)
“What to do? What to do?”
[pause]
“Hey where did you go?”
[pause]
(SFX: tv turning on)
“Oh, it is that time of the day”
[pause]
“Hey, what are we watching?”
[pause]
“Is it cartoons?”
[pause]
“Ugh, I can’t stand this campy 80’s horror movies, I didn’t like them when they were new, and I don’t like them now”
[pause]
“If you don’t change the channel I will”
[pause]
“Excuse me, did you just flinch?”
[pause]
“Oh no, you are not getting scared watching this garbage?”
[pause]
“You really just screamed?”
[pause]
“Okay, that is it”
[pause]
“What was that trick jerry the poltergeist taught me back in 09?”
[pause]
“haven’t had to do this in a while”
[pause]
(SFX: static noises)
“Hey...”
[pause]
“Hey...”
[pause]
“HEY!!!!!”
[pause]
“Yes, I’m talking to you”
[pause]
“No, this is not part of your movie, your terrible, terrible, stupid movie, I really am talking to you”
[pause]
“what’s the big idea dude?”
[pause]
“For weeks I have been moving chairs and slamming doors, without even getting a single reaction out of you”
[pause]
“Just to see you get scared and literally scream watching a boring 80’s horror movie, that aged like milk”
[pause]
“Point is, not cool”
[pause]
“of course, is only now that you realize I’m here, well about time!!!”
[pause]
“I’m a ghost, I haunt this house”
[pause]
“I'm talking through the tv, it’s a trick I learn from a poltergeist that lived in a radio once”
[pause]
“Yeah, yeah nice to meet you too, whatever moving on”
[pause]
“How can you not notice the house is haunted? Even I literally pushed you down the stairs that one time”
[pause]
“Yeah, sorry, that was me”
[pause]
“I wasn’t trying to kill you or anything, I was just trying to scare you and make you live my house”
[pause]
“Yes, this is my house, I was born here, grew up here and I died here, it’s mine”
[pause]
“I am not sharing it with anyone, I have scared off anyone who has moved here”
[pause]
“First it was the Jeffers in 82, they were a family of five, they were only here for 2 months before they packed up and left”
[pause]
“I took it slow, saw what they were like before starting doing things”
[pause]
“They were nice enough; the kids were a little annoying”
[pause]
“Then in 94, a woman and her daughter, the girl was into spooky stuff, her mom hoped it was just a phase”
[pause]
“After two weeks of things happening, she took a Ouija board and convinced the mom to have a seance, it only took shaking up the table a little and saying get out, for them to pack and leave the next day”
[pause]
“Then 2001, a painter, or was it a writer? Doesn’t matter... he thought he was crazy, and that I was a product of his mind”
[pause]
“Well, he was crazy, but the house was also haunted”
[pause]
“He didn’t run away though, he was hospitalized... it was better for him...”
[pause]
“After that it was a couple of newlyweds, a week of moving objects and they set a bunch cameras allover”
[pause]
“I decided to give them a show, there were out in a week”
[pause]
“What year it was?”
[pause]
“2007, why?”
[pause]
“Anyway, then it was 2012, let’s just say a sorority had to look for a new house, in only three days... that was my proudest moment...”
[pause]
“Which brings us to you”
[pause]
“Six weeks and you didn’t even notice there’s something going on”
[pause]
“Are you that dense?”
[pause]
“What do you mean you knew?”
[pause]
“Well yeah, I don’t want to hurt you, but still, I think you would at least get scared, you live in a seclude house, alone, in the woods”
[pause]
“Why would you willingly live somewhere like this?”
[pause]
“The rent is what?”
[pause]
“That is... so little...”
[pause]
“How dare they rent my house for just that?
[pause]
“My father spent a fortune building it!!!”
[pause]
“It pisses me off”
[pause]
“What valid reasons?”
[pause]
“Yes, I guess the garden could use some work”
[pause]
“And the roof is a little moldy”
[pause]
“Come on, is not as if anyone knows for sure that is haunted”
[pause]
“It was in the contract?”
[pause]
“And you still moved here?”
[pause]
“you’ll really settle for anything, huh?”
[pause]
“...”
[pause]
“Say...”
[pause]
“If I, hypothetically, agreed to share the house”
[pause]
“Under the condition on not putting anymore stupid horror movies”
[pause]
“And let me watch at least an hour of cartoons”
[pause]
“And constantly speaking to me even if you can’t hear me when I'm not in the tv”
[pause]
“Yes, I could move to any other screen”
[pause]
“What? No, I’m not moving to the screen of your phone, i have seen the stuff you look in it”
[pause]
“Your laptop isn’t as bad, but you still haven’t answer me”
[pause]
“Would you do all that?”
[pause]
“Yes?”
[pause]
“Then, will agree to share the place with you”
[pause]
“Because this is the first conversation I had in like a century”
[pause]
“Is rude to ask the age of a lady”
[pause]
“Hmm... what year is this?
[pause]
“a little less than a hundred then”
[pause]
“I don’t speak like an old lady because, I try to keep up with the lingo, why not, I mean, YOLO, you know?”
“Why are you looking at me like that? What did I say?”
[end]

It's okay to record, post and monetize (as long as you don't put it behind a paywall), just credit me.
Feel free to tweak it, change the roles and pronouns, correct my orthography, just don't change it too much.
Feedback is appreciated.
“hehehe, today is the day”
[pause]
“Finally, after months of frustration and failed attempts”
[pause]
“Today is the day I'll scare him!!!”
[pause]
“I'm sure he is going to say, “oh no a scary ghost, I have to leave this haunted place immediately”, and he will leave my house”
[pause]
“...”
[pause]
“He... is... late today...”
[pause]
“He is never this late”
[pause]
“Could it be that something has happened to him?”
[pause]
“What if he died?”
[pause]
“He better not have died before I had a chance to scare him”
[pause]
(SFX: keys on the door)
“Oh, there he is”
[pause]
“Okay, put you bag down, just like that and now...”
(SFX: door slams)
“ohohoho, I bet that scared him a lot!!!!”
[pause]
“...”
[pause]
“He isn’t even startled...”
[pause]
“Fine, time to get serious”
[pause]
“I’ll turn off the lights as soon as he walks into the kitchen”
[pause]
“One...”
[pause]
“Two...”
[pause]
“Three...”
[pause]
“That should do it”
[pause]
“What?”
[pause]
“No!!!!”
[pause]
“It isn’t your lightbulb, when has it been your lightbulb in the past six weeks?”
[pause]
“it’s me, it’s always been me”
[pause]
“See me!!! Fear me!!!”
[pause]
“What do I have to do, push you down the stairs?”
[pause]
“Actually, scratch that, last time you almost died”
[pause]
“Oh, he is about to sit, maybe I could...”
[pause]
(SFX: chair moves)
[pause]
“The chair moved on its own, surely you at least found that weird, right?”
[pause]
“No!! No!! No!! No!!”
[pause]
“don’t just sit on the chair...”
[pause]
“This wasn’t this difficult in the 80’s”
[pause]
“What is he doing now?”
[pause]
“Instant ramen again?”
[pause]
“He really should stop eating that”
[pause]
“It can’t be good for him”
[pause]
“I wonder what they taste like thought”
[pause]
“Idea, I'll turn on the stove and overboil his noodles”
[pause]
“As soon as he looks away...”
[pause]
“now”
[pause]
“What do you think about that mister I fear nothing”
[pause]
“What is he doing?”
[pause]
“You are just going to leave with the stove turned up like that?”
[pause]
“Well, I'm not turning it down...”
[pause]
“it’s starting to boil...”
[pause]
“And now is boiling...”
[pause]
“And now is spilling!!”
[pause]
“Hey!!! Can't you hear it?”
[pause]
“don’t you care about your soup? your pot? the kitchen? Your safety?”
[pause]
“fine”
[pause]
“I'll turn it off gee”
[pause]
“There you are, the kitchen could have burn you know?”
[pause]
“And you are just going to serve the noodles and move on, because of course you are”
[pause]
“What do I have to do?”
[pause]
“I have tried all the tricks, moving objects, making things disappear, weird noises, turning the lights on and off”
[pause]
“I would appear outside your bedroom wearing a bedsheet at this point”
[pause]
“I would lose my pride as a ghost if I did that”
[pause]
(sight)
“What to do? What to do?”
[pause]
“Hey where did you go?”
[pause]
(SFX: tv turning on)
“Oh, it is that time of the day”
[pause]
“Hey, what are we watching?”
[pause]
“Is it cartoons?”
[pause]
“Ugh, I can’t stand this campy 80’s horror movies, I didn’t like them when they were new, and I don’t like them now”
[pause]
“If you don’t change the channel I will”
[pause]
“Excuse me, did you just flinch?”
[pause]
“Oh no, you are not getting scared watching this garbage?”
[pause]
“You really just screamed?”
[pause]
“Okay, that is it”
[pause]
“What was that trick jerry the poltergeist taught me back in 09?”
[pause]
“haven’t had to do this in a while”
[pause]
(SFX: static noises)
“Hey...”
[pause]
“Hey...”
[pause]
“HEY!!!!!”
[pause]
“Yes, I’m talking to you”
[pause]
“No, this is not part of your movie, your terrible, terrible, stupid movie, I really am talking to you”
[pause]
“what’s the big idea dude?”
[pause]
“For weeks I have been moving chairs and slamming doors, without even getting a single reaction out of you”
[pause]
“Just to see you get scared and literally scream watching a boring 80’s horror movie, that aged like milk”
[pause]
“Point is, not cool”
[pause]
“of course, is only now that you realize I’m here, well about time!!!”
[pause]
“I’m a ghost, I haunt this house”
[pause]
“I'm talking through the tv, it’s a trick I learn from a poltergeist that lived in a radio once”
[pause]
“Yeah, yeah nice to meet you too, whatever moving on”
[pause]
“How can you not notice the house is haunted? Even I literally pushed you down the stairs that one time”
[pause]
“Yeah, sorry, that was me”
[pause]
“I wasn’t trying to kill you or anything, I was just trying to scare you and make you live my house”
[pause]
“Yes, this is my house, I was born here, grew up here and I died here, it’s mine”
[pause]
“I am not sharing it with anyone, I have scared off anyone who has moved here”
[pause]
“First it was the Jeffers in 82, they were a family of five, they were only here for 2 months before they packed up and left”
[pause]
“I took it slow, saw what they were like before starting doing things”
[pause]
“They were nice enough; the kids were a little annoying”
[pause]
“Then in 94, a woman and her daughter, the girl was into spooky stuff, her mom hoped it was just a phase”
[pause]
“After two weeks of things happening, she took a Ouija board and convinced the mom to have a seance, it only took shaking up the table a little and saying get out, for them to pack and leave the next day”
[pause]
“Then 2001, a painter, or was it a writer? Doesn’t matter... he thought he was crazy, and that I was a product of his mind”
[pause]
“Well, he was crazy, but the house was also haunted”
[pause]
“He didn’t run away though, he was hospitalized... it was better for him...”
[pause]
“After that it was a couple of newlyweds, a week of moving objects and they set a bunch cameras allover”
[pause]
“I decided to give them a show, there were out in a week”
[pause]
“What year it was?”
[pause]
“2007, why?”
[pause]
“Anyway, then it was 2012, let’s just say a sorority had to look for a new house, in only three days... that was my proudest moment...”
[pause]
“Which brings us to you”
[pause]
“Six weeks and you didn’t even notice there’s something going on”
[pause]
“Are you that dense?”
[pause]
“What do you mean you knew?”
[pause]
“Well yeah, I don’t want to hurt you, but still, I think you would at least get scared, you live in a seclude house, alone, in the woods”
[pause]
“Why would you willingly live somewhere like this?”
[pause]
“The rent is what?”
[pause]
“That is... so little...”
[pause]
“How dare they rent my house for just that?
[pause]
“My father spent a fortune building it!!!”
[pause]
“It pisses me off”
[pause]
“What valid reasons?”
[pause]
“Yes, I guess the garden could use some work”
[pause]
“And the roof is a little moldy”
[pause]
“Come on, is not as if anyone knows for sure that is haunted”
[pause]
“It was in the contract?”
[pause]
“And you still moved here?”
[pause]
“you’ll really settle for anything, huh?”
[pause]
“...”
[pause]
“Say...”
[pause]
“If I, hypothetically, agreed to share the house”
[pause]
“Under the condition on not putting anymore stupid horror movies”
[pause]
“And let me watch at least an hour of cartoons”
[pause]
“And constantly speaking to me even if you can’t hear me when I'm not in the tv”
[pause]
“Yes, I could move to any other screen”
[pause]
“What? No, I’m not moving to the screen of your phone, i have seen the stuff you look in it”
[pause]
“Your laptop isn’t as bad, but you still haven’t answer me”
[pause]
“Would you do all that?”
[pause]
“Yes?”
[pause]
“Then, will agree to share the place with you”
[pause]
“Because this is the first conversation I had in like a century”
[pause]
“Is rude to ask the age of a lady”
[pause]
“Hmm... what year is this?
[pause]
“a little less than a hundred then”
[pause]
“I don’t speak like an old lady because, I try to keep up with the lingo, why not, I mean, YOLO, you know?”
“Why are you looking at me like that? What did I say?”
[end]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ImDyingRn123
Originally posted to AITAH
AITA for not having my boyfriend be a plus one at my best friends wedding
Thanks to u/queenlegolas and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: manipulation
Original Post: May 9, 2024
I (25f) have been seeing my now boyfriend (27m), who will call Joe, for about six months now. We made it official three months into dating so I like to say he’s only officially been my boyfriend for three months.
My best friend, who we’ll call Anne, is getting married next month. I’m one of her bridesmaids. It’s a small destination wedding, only about forty close friends and family. The bridal party is set to arrive about four days before the actual wedding to do bachelobachelorette stuff.
The issue came up yesterday morning when my boyfriend started asking what time my flight was for the wedding week. I didn’t think much of it and told him. He came back about ten minutes later and said he’d have to go on a different flight because he couldn’t find one on the same airline or at the same time.
I didn’t understand why he was looking at flights. I asked him if he was planning on going on a solo or guys trip while I was gone since I wouldn’t be around.
He looked confused and then said he was looking for flights for the wedding.
I then proceeded to tell him, trying to be as gentle as possible, that I wasn’t planning on a plus one and the guest list was already finalized. He has only ever met Anne over face time since she lives in a different state from us.
After telling him, he exploded at me. Honestly it was a total 180 from his usual behavior. He said it was insensitive of me to not ask for a plus one because we’d been together for so long now. That I was purposefully excluding him and trying to keep him a secret. He ranted and talked in a circle and I just sat there in shock. What snapped me out of the daze was when he insinuated that I would likely cheat with one of the groomsmen.
Thats when I got up, got my shit, and started walking out of his place. He freaked out even more and said we needed to talk about this and I couldn’t walk out on him. He tried to grab me twice but I shoved him off.
Since I last night, I haven’t spoken to him. he’s been blowing up my phone with calls and texts that I don’t reply to. Even put him on do not disturb because it was so annoying. I was pretty solid in believing I wasn’t TA but one of his best friends got my number and texted me I was being petty and a female dog about everything. That I lead Joe on for six months.
I haven’t talked to anyone about this since I wanted to cool down before I got a second opinion. But now that his friend is texting men, I feel like I handled it all poorly. I know I need space right now but I don’t want to ghost Joe, which his friend implied I’m now doing.
So I’ve come here to get some unbiased opinions. Fellow redditors, I asked you now if i am TA for not having my boyfriend be a plus one to my best friends wedding.
posting this is the other aita sub too
edit: to clarify. we don’t live together. i just spend the night at his place sometimes
edit 2: in our last conversation last night i texted him that i needed some space to breathe to which he then just kept calling and texting
edit 3 because people keep acting like joe is a secret: he has met my other friends. he hasn’t met anne in person because she lives in a different state. across the country to be exact. they’ve only met through face time. i’ve met his parents and friends. he hasn’t met mine because they moved back to mexico two years ago. he has met them over face time.
edit 4: his friend saying lead him on was “leading him to believe he was invited”
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant Comments
OOP to multiple comments on why she is not having her boyfriend as her plus one to the wedding

OOP: i accepted the wedding invite long before we met. this wedding invite didn’t just recently happen. + main reason for why i never asked for a plus one is because joe and i had only just started seeing each other when the wedding was being planned. a lot went into it because it’s a destination wedding in europe + i’m not meaning to dismiss it. i’m pointing out that’s why i’m not having a plus one unlike the other groomsmen and bridesmaids. they have been with their partners for years and personally know anne. joe has only ever met her over face time + also there’s a lot more then just buying a ticket. i said earlier that this wedding was planned months before we met. anne planned a lot of things for this wedding that are catered to the fact there’s a limited guest list. again. i would have been fine to explain all this but again. i never got a chance to + this wedding wasn’t a secret. he was even aware of it when we first started seeing each other because i’d just done dress shopping. again. this wedding was very planned out because it is indeed, very small and private in france. he’s also met anne and her fiance over face time, not in person because she’s in a different state. he’s met my other friends as well. he hasn’t met my parents because they live in a different country.

 
Update: May 11, 2024
The general consensus was that I wasn’t TA. Unfortunately the original post got taken down on the main aita sub but is still up on the other. Still posting the update on both though.
Some of y’all had some stuff to say about me saying I need help communicating because I shouldn’t have walked out. Have your opinions, but never let someone scream at you and just sit there and take it. Im realizing thats emotional abuse.
About why I never pushed to have a plus one. When the wedding planning was starting, Joe and I had not met. By the time we met and made things official, the wedding planning was finalized. I never hid the wedding from Joe or the fact it was very small. Someone said “most normal people” plan on bringing their s/o to a wedding. Maybe thats true. But never automatically assume that since your s/o is invited to something, you’ll be going too.
The wedding was heavily pre-planned because again, it’s a destination wedding. Anne is originally from France and primary reason why it’s a destination wedding.
I talked to Anne about this shortly after posting and she agreed that I’m not TA. She said if the roles were reversed, she’d never expect her so of less than a year be invited to an important event.
So, on Friday, I texted Joe asking to meet up Saturday morning to have a discussion about everything.
This morning he tried to get us to meet at my place, but instead, I got him to agree to meet at a local cafe. A lot of you brought up how he tried to grab me and that’s a big sign that he could get more physical in the future. I didn’t want anything to be left to chance.
He got there early and tried to hug me, which I didn’t allow. I got the ick at the thought of him hugging me.
We did a bit of small talk but got pretty much to the point once we sat down.
He did apologize for blowing up but in the same breath said I shouldn’t have left. I countered that he shouldn’t have tried to physically stop me from leaving, twice. He said what else was he supposed to do. That set the tone for the whole conversation.
He went on to say that me just walking away was a “clear indication that I didn’t respect him”. I then pointed out that he was not letting me explain why he wasn’t invited.
This is when we started talking in circles. I told him how the wedding was being planned long before we met. How by the time we mutually agreed to be exclusive, they had everything finalized, especially the guest list. He said I should’ve asked for Anne to change it anyway. I asked him if I ever gave him the impression he’d be attending. He was silent for a while and then admitted he just assumed that since he was now my boyfriend, I would have told Anne to invite me. I told him then wouldn’t I have said something if he was invited in the past three months?
I realized that we weren’t getting anywhere. I told him I wanted to break up. To paraphrase, I said something along the lines of.
“I understand you were hurt that I didn’t invite you. I am sorry that we didn’t have a clearer conversation. I do wish that we could have had a calmer conversation. However, I don’t feel safe in this relationship because of how you reacted. I don’t think this relationship is good for either of us if you feel betrayed and I feel unsafe.”
He didn’t take that well.
Joe’s response was if we broke up, I wasn’t getting my stuff back. I told him I didn’t care. Because honestly? If he wants to keep some of my underwear and used toothbrush, okay.
I then asked him to not have his friends text me too. He then went from pleading to have another chance to accusing me of never wanting him. I just stood up, told him I wished him the best, and left.
Ended up going for a two hour run when I got home because I still felt stressed. Blocked his number, his friends, blocked his instagram, deleted the pictures of us on my feed. Changed my Facebook status to single. Had a cry and have been watching Netflix since.
Something I learned from this your first fight with your partner tells you everything about them. Our first fight told me Joe was explosive. Maybe if he hadn’t blown up, we would still be together. Not gonna dwell on it though. I know it’s good I got out while you can because as a lot of you pointed out, the fact he kept trying to overpower me twice says a lot.
I’m honestly glad I broke it off. As some of you said, it took him six months to show his true colors. Can’t imagine if he did come and then a year later, I find out he’s like this and have to look at wedding photos with a guy who is fine blowing up.
I’m going to stay single for awhile now. I have a wedding to look forward to. My focus is on supporting Anne and making sure she has the best wedding ever. I may update when the wedding happens to let you guys know how it goes and if Joe tried anything else.
Thank you again to everyone for their opinions.
Relevant Comments
OOP on staying away from her ex-boyfriend

OOP: thank you ❤️ i do have a dog and a roommate so that’s some extra security already. the roommate and i talked before about getting a ring camera but this experience and other comments have solidified us getting one

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

First / Previous
​
Suzanne thought it was absolutely brilliant of me to put books on a flash drive for Sun. She explained that Sun wasn’t as sophant (her word, not mine) as she might seem, more of a repository of information, but she was fairly intelligent. It was how she was able to connect Andrew being in pain to the fact that I was friends with Andrew, and that I would want to know that he was in trouble. Apparently some of Sun’s species had given some ‘wisdom’ to others in the past and it had made its way into mythology.
The key fact was that she was not smart enough to protect herself and her kind from the clever, organized poachers. With that information in mind, it was fascinating for me to think of how Sun took in and organized what she learned. It was almost as if she was a walking, talking library.
On the topic of tours, my first one went wonderfully, and I’m almost hoping Suzanne lets me do more of them. I know not all the tourists are going to be as awesome as these people were, but Suzanne gave me a lot of slack when it comes to dealing with them. She actually said that being a smartass is not grounds for dismissal, and that if I’m sarcastic or facetious to guests who are being ‘daft’ and they complain, she really doesn’t care. Is this the perfect job for me or what?
There were four guests in this party, two adults who were sisters and two children of one of the women, brothers aged thirteen and seventeen. The tour was a birthday gift for the older of the boys from his aunt, since apparently he was passionate about animal protection and conservation.
When they arrived at the front gate, I was sitting at Andrew’s desk, going over the booklet of information one last time. When the visitors pressed the button that sounded the alert buzzer, I tucked away in a drawer and let them in. I did have a cheat sheet with information about the animals on my phone just in case, a brief notation of each of them and which enclosure they were in, but I really didn’t need to use it.
Exiting through the front door, I saw them walk up the path toward me. “Hi, I’m Ripley,” I said, holding out a hand toward the woman closest to me.
She shook it firmly. “I’m Denise. This is my sister Carla and my nephews, Wesley and Jason,” she said, motioning to each of them in turn.
“I heard it’s your birthday,” I said to Wesley, giving him a smile. “You’re interested in animal conversation?”
“Back where we live, yeah,” he said, nodding. “The animals that you’ve got here are incredible. I can’t wait to see them.”
“Well, I can’t wait to show them to you,” I said. “Right this way.”
I led them on the path around the building, toward enclosure one. Despite the horrific memories of the animal killing Stanley’s friends, I knew it was just an animal, and I had to push past my feelings on what had happened. Keeping a small smile on my face, I motioned to the enclosure. “Fiercely territorial and amazing hunters, despite their large size, they’re arboreal and known to dart from tree to tree with barely a sound. This is one of only about two thousand left in existence.”
“Two thousand, three hundred and fifty six at last count,” spoke Wesley, his eyes on the trees.
I blinked, surprised and impressed. “Well that was fantastic. Do you plan on stealing my job when you graduate?”
Wesley looked at me with a grin. “Nah, everyone knows Suzanne only offers humans this gig. And I want to help animals like this one get off the endangered species list. The zoos are great for awareness and fundraising, but then the money has to go somewhere. I want to be doing the real work.”
“That’s really great,” I told him. “I wish you all the best in that career path.” At that, we saw the animal climb down from the tree, wandering a few yards from the tree line. This was because 90% of the time, when humans were at their enclosure and making noise, whether it was speaking to each other or calling out to the animal, it was someone bringing them prey to eat. Or, in my case, enrichment toys to play with.
“Whoa,” Wesley whispered.
“How close can we get?” spoke up Jason.
“The warding starts at the fence,” I told him with a small gesture. “So, just there.”
Both boys wandered closer and I glanced at their parents. It seemed that Suzanne’s zoo had a serious reputation for high quality invisible walls, because they didn’t look worried in the slightest about the boys being hurt or killed.
“They prefer dense forest as their home and have been known to make their nests in trees up to twenty meter in the air,” I continued. “And when hunting, they’ve been seen dropping eight meters straight down. They have incredibly dense yet flexible musculature, which allows them to tackle their prey without injuring themselves.”
There was more information about the animal that I continued to rattle off, though Wesley chimed in at certain points with the info I was about to convey. That was highly entertaining and very cool. When I’d been in school, I’d never met anyone who had my level of passion about endangered animals. I wondered if things were better where these folks came from, but realized that considering there were so few of these animals left, I guessed not.
The animal paced a little bit, seemingly waiting to see if we were the kind of humans that came bearing food, before deciding we weren’t and climbing back up into the trees as easily as I would climb some stairs.
As we moved onto enclosure two, Jason spoke up. “Are there any animals here we can touch or feed or something?”
I sighed inwardly before slowing to a stop. “Well, can you show me your hands?” Jason looked bemused, holding out his hands. “I mean…they both look like they’re in great shape. You can stand to lose one.”
The two women chuckled and Wesley smirked as Jason shoved his hands into his pockets. “Very funny.”
Grinning, I started walking again. “The animals here are all carnivores and all predators. You get to see them, but that’s it.”
“Alright.”
When we reached enclosure two, I started on my next spiel. “We’ve got three reanimated dead in this enclosure,” I spoke. They were just coming out from the trees as we arrived, presumably having heard our approach. “Marissa, Connor, and Bradley. They were donated by families who knew where they would be exhibited. Their next of kin, whoever they are, can’t stand the idea of putting them down. But we need to make sure they don’t have access to corpses, because one of them plus one corpse equals two of them.”
“They eat flesh though, don’t they?” Wesley asked.
I nodded. “Oh, yeah, but it’s from bodies that have already been dismembered. There’s no chance of them being affected by the transformation because it’s all parts.”
“Oh, got it.”
The creatures with blueish-white skin had superhuman strength, which is why they qualified for the security of Suzanne’s zoo. They also were likely the source of any Earth tales of people being brought back to life as zombies, specifically draugr, according to my research. They smelled like rotting flesh, so even as I kept talking about them and giving a background to the people they used to be, we were quick to move on once Wesley had gotten a good, long look at them.
“Enclosure four’s animal is a vampiric spirit. He’s a small, hairy humanoid creature with pointed ears. He wears a hat, and if he somehow loses it, he freaks out,” I said.
“They eat horses,” Wesley noted. “Also anything that gives them the chance to sit on it, usually catching them by surprise while they’re sleeping.”
The creature came out from the brush, giving us a suspicious look. He wasn’t in his humanoid form though; for some reason, he’d chosen to shapeshift to a dog.
I nodded. “Yep, indeed. Once the prey is dead, then he’ll eat it, and he has a voracious appetite. We have two wolves and two bears in the forest, which is one of the reasons I’ve got some self-defense items,” I said, patting my belt where my pepper spray (rated for bear) and my taser. “But the wards keep them out of this area of the zoo, so it’s really not much of a worry. It’s also a known shapeshifter, preferring the form of a dog, as you can see, as well as a cat, a snake, or even white butterflies, though the last one is rare.”
“The white butterflies are supposed to be a sign of good luck,” Wesley said, glancing to me. “Too bad we got the dog.”
“Yeah, otherwise you might be able to talk your mom into getting scratch-offs on your way home, huh?”
Wesley smirked at me.
The next enclosure was Spike, and he was waiting for us, dripping wet from having just emerged from the lake. I gave the introductory information about him, which included his propensity for eating animal eyes, nails, and teeth. “Recently, I’ve given him some enrichment activities, and I learned he likes artichokes, pecans, and hazelnuts,” I said, taking a bag out from my cargo shorts. “Wesley, do you want to toss this bag into the enclosure?”
The boy’s eyes widened and he nodded excitedly. He took a look into the paper bag before wrapping down the top to make sure nothing would fly out. Then he chucked it underhand past the fence. It landed a few yards from Spike, who waddled over to it quickly and tearing the bag open, spilling out the prizes inside. As the animal ate the pecans and hazelnuts, Wesley asked, “How’d you figure out he likes those?”
“It’s not all about taste,” I told him. “It’s mainly the difficulty of getting them out of the shells. He’s used to having to work for the parts of his prey he likes the most, so this mimics that activity, and he enjoys the process. I tried a bunch of different foods to find a few he liked.”
“Cool,” Wesley murmured, staring at him.
We watched Spike eat until he’d finished and then he went back into the woods, leaving us to move onto enclosure five. Japanese camellia were plentiful here, a type of pink flower, and that was because they grew anywhere near one of his species made their den. “This girl spends most of her time in the lake also,” I said, as the creature made its way toward the fence separating us from it. “But as you can see, she’s just as curious as the rest about what we’re doing here and whether we have food for her. She eats fish mostly, but she also regularly gets live prey.”
This creature was a spider-like monster, having six legs with long claws on each, and the head of an ox with two sharp horns. She was capable of shapeshifting to look like a human, but I guessed that she wasn’t fond of it, since I hadn’t yet seen her in that form.
“She prefers the easy way of catching prey, so to speak, by hiding in the lake and pouncing when something comes for a drink of water,” I explained. “Apparently humans are some of her favorite prey. She has an advantage of being able to spit poison, which often hits her prey in the eyes. But it’s usually used in defense rather than offense, since it secretes a limited amount.”
“What kind of animal would even go after something like this?” Jason asked, staring at her.
“Never discount one of its own species when you’re thinking about what might attack an animal,” I replied. “There are places that are breeding all of the animals here, but competition for mates is common. That means an advantage in a fight, like poison or venom, can make or break who the winner is.”
“Ah, gotcha.”
“It can’t spit past the warding, right?” Carla suddenly asked.
“Oh, no,” I assured her. “We’re fine. The wards wouldn’t let anything cross over.” She nodded, appeased.
The animal in enclosure six was the ginormous seal-hippo, Fiona, and she was looking at us as if she was imagining sprinkling us with herbs and spices and stuffing us in an oven. “This girl is one animal I’m going to work on enrichment activities for next,” I told them. “She prefers to feed on crayfish, though she’s happy to eat any humans that wander into her territory. She’ll even make a sound like a baby crying to reel us in. I’ve heard it a bunch of times.”
“Can you get her to make the sound?” Jason asked, perking up.
I grinned. “Not on command, sorry.”
“What enrichment are you thinking of trying?” Wesley asked.
“Possibly food placed in puzzle feeders,” I told him, “since she has claws that are pretty dexterous. Maybe a piñata made out of newspaper with flour inside, or a scarecrow that mimics a human.”
“Awesome,” he muttered.
After a little more educational tidbits, we moved onto Yui’s enclosure. “What is that?” Wesley asked, smiling.
“I got Yui the closest thing I could to a ping-pong ball,” I replied. “She quite likes it.”
“That’s so funny,” he said as she came out of the trees in her spider form. “I mean, the idea of her being a bloodthirsty hunter who seduces men to their deaths and eats them alive, but then on the other hand, she likes playing with something like this.”
“It is a little funny,” I agreed. “But when it comes down to it, all the animals here enjoy activities besides hunting.”
“She can shapeshift to look human, right?” asked Jason, trying to be casual about knowing something factual like his nerdy brother.
I nodded. “She looks like a woman from a region of Earth called Japan. And she’ll use strategies like holding out a hand to shake to get you closer. She tried that on me when I first got here but, as you can see,” I said, holding up my hands and waving them, “I didn’t fall for it.”
The boys both laughed as they got closer to the fence, watching her slowly pace near the trees.
Next was Sun, but she didn’t make an appearance as I spoke about her species. “Well…unfortunately we can’t guarantee that every animal comes out to say hi,” I sighed. “But…oh wait, here she is.”
The green lion with several horns and many eyes along her flank came out from the forest. “Hello,” she spoke.
“Hi, Sun,” I replied. “We have visitors.”
“What’s that?” Wesley asked suddenly, pointing at the small plastic bag that was still where I’d left it.
“Oh! That is Sun’s enrichment,” I said with a smile. “I put dozens of books on a flash drive and found that she can read them just like she’d read a shelf of books.”
Wesley’s eyes widened. “Wow. I don’t think I’ve read about anyone trying that before. That’s really cool.”
“The books are new and interesting,” Sun spoke, drawing our attention. “I’m grateful for them.”
I nodded to her. “You’re quite welcome.”
The next animal, unfortunately, wasn’t there, and we waited around for ten minutes as we discussed him. He was large and reptile-like with red eyes, with its hind legs and tail making him look vaguely like a kangaroo. Then, enclosure ten was a terrifyingly disturbing creature, the not-a-centaur with no skin, that I’d only seen a few times while walking my route. It gave a good demonstration of its ferocity, showing its sharp teeth and snapping at us a few times.
“I’m thinking of trying salt licks and other horse enrichment like a big bouncy ball,” I told Wesley, whose eyebrows went up at that. “Maybe give him more things to forage like scattered grains or a box filled with pinecones and seeds. Foraging is a huge part of a horse’s life in the wild, and humans have to do a lot of activities like that to keep pet horses busy. Of course, he also loves the little salt-water lake that was built for him.”
We spent some time looking at the animal before moving past our last stop, the empty enclosure of the animal was stolen. Carla glanced at me with a sad smile, knowing what had happened, it seemed. I gave her a nod as we continued on our way, walking into the office. “So, I hope everyone enjoyed themselves!” I said with a smile.
“That was the coolest birthday present I’ve ever gotten,” Wesley said, looking to Denise. “Thanks so much, seriously.”
“It was my pleasure,” she said with a nod. “I’d never been here before, and knew I’d find it fascinating. Thank you for the educational aspect,” Denise said, glancing at me. “I learned quite a lot.”
“Happy to hear it,” I said, returning the nod.
As I escorted the guests out of the zoo and locked the door behind them, I reflected on how much I’d changed. The first time I’d seen Yui’s tarantula form, I’d nearly passed out from fear. Now here I was, walking tourists around like it was no big deal. Humans really can adapt to anything, it seems.
That afternoon, Suzanne had texted me that she was coming by after my shift, and I met her in Andrew’s office, shutting the door to the security room behind me. “How’s Andrew?” I asked first thing.
“He’s doing well,” she said with a wide smile. “Back on non-hospital food. He’s allowed to order food on his phone, and to hear it from him, that’s the best news he’d received in a long time.”
I chuckled. “I guess some clichés are true for a reason.”
“Indeed.” She took a breath. “All right. Ripley…I would like to discuss something with you.”
My face went slack at the serious tone in her voice. “I’m not… Am I being fired?”
“What? No!” she exclaimed. Then she chuckled softly. “No, it’s nothing like that. Just, here, let’s have a seat.” Suzanne walked over to the couch and sat at one end, and I took the other. “There’s something I need to tell you. Something I’ve kept from you, that I wanted to keep from you until you found your sea legs here.”
“Well…I have,” I said with a nod. “So, what is it?”
Suzanne took a breath. “I knew your mother.”
The words hung in the air for a moment before making their way to my ears. It was a perfectly logical sentence, and yet it didn’t make any sense. “What?” I finally managed.
“When you graduated college, I decided to move the zoo from Italy to within driving distance of your home,” she said softly. “Near enough to your town that you’d see the advert. We ignored any other applicants and I hoped you’d apply. Actually, I expected you’d apply. Not just for the money, but considering the field you wanted to go into. As soon as I’d found out your major, I knew.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” I said, holding up a hand. I pinched the bridge of my nose. “How do you know Patricia?”
“She owned the zoo before I did,” Susan explained. “Fourteen years ago…she was working to track an injured animal that we could bring into the zoo and she was killed by poachers.”
My heart calcified in my chest and a lump lodged in my throat. As my breaths became shaky, I stared at her in shock. “She…she’s really dead?”
“You suspected?” she asked softly.
“It…” I swallowed hard. “We had her declared legally dead after…I don’t know, seven years I think. My dad wanted to go after her for child support, but the police said…they said they couldn’t find…” Tears came to my eyes and I blinked them back before I met Suzanne’s gaze. “She owned the zoo?”
Suzanne nodded. “It was her baby, you’d say. When Patricia passed, I inherited it, which we’d discussed beforehand, a legal just-in-case that I never expected her to need. I’m under the impression that you were told she went to Africa for her photography career, but she was in fact going to remote areas back in my home world almost every time.”
“But I-I saw the photos,” I said, my eyes narrowing. “You’re telling me she put on a show of getting pictures that someone else took for us to see every time she visited? Did my dad even know?”
“I suppose that’s an accurate way to put it, putting on a show. And no, your father was never told. It’s not the way of things to tell humans unless it’s necessary. I won’t bore you with the details, but us and humans, we’re distant relatives, so we can still have children. But it wasn’t planned. Your mother fell in love with your father despite herself; she hadn’t meant to find love. Then she became pregnant with you and…well, the rest is history.”
“I think she had a different definition of love than the one I have,” I said tightly. “You’d think she’d have put her survival as more of a priority. Put being with the man she ‘loved’ as a priority. Her kids needed her. I needed her. She signed up when she became a mom. She could’ve screwed up all the time but she couldn’t even manage that one job: be there. When I was in the hospital, I kept thinking, ‘Where is she?’ and now you’re telling me that she put these animals above being there for her kids, and this whole time she’s been dead.”
“The hospital?” she asked, furrowing her brows.
“Never mind,” I said tersely, averting my gaze.
Suzanne hesitated before she nodded slowly. “I’m sorry for your loss, and not just for her death, Ripley,” she told me. “Patricia was…well, a ‘free spirit’ would be putting it gently. She always assumed the world would be there for her whenever she needed it.”
Staring at her for a long moment, I shook my head. “Why? Why come here and hire me?”
“I thought that would be obvious,” she said, smiling. “Your mother was so passionate about this place and once I found out your college major, I figured you would be as well.”
“Did you know that I hate her?” At that, Suzanne’s expression froze on the edge of shock. “She…she left us,” I whispered. “Didn’t tell us who she was or what she really did for a living and gave us no closure. And even when she was here, it was just visiting. Her real home was her work. She could give me all the presents she wanted, but even when she was here, half the time she was still on her computer doing work. It’s not like that stereotype of never making it to my tennis practice or something; it’s that it always felt like she was only partially here, even when I was sitting next to her. I don’t even know if I appreciate her turning me into a wildlife fanatic because it…it…makes me feel like I’m close to her in a way that’s just infuriating. She loved the animals more than she loved us.”
“Oh, Ripley-”
“Don’t,” I said, shoving myself to my feet. “Don’t try to convince me otherwise.”
“I wasn’t going to,” she said quietly. I pursed my lips. “I was going to say that I’m sorry that was the case. Your mother was…flawed, just like any other person. She had two loves in this world: her family and her work. And often, her work overcame her, her zeal for environmentalism getting in the way of being a good mum. She left your father trying to fill the role of two parents, holding your family together. You and your brother and your father, you all deserved better than that.”
My lower lip quivered but I bit down on it hard. It would’ve been a lot easier for me if she’d been speaking from a place of clueless reassurance about all this. But everything she said was making sense and that meant I didn’t have someone in front of me to be angry with.
“Why didn’t you tell me when Andrew hired me?” I sighed, sitting back down on the couch.
“Well, like I said, I wanted you to find your sea legs,” she said with a small smile. “I didn’t want the truth affecting whether or not you wanted to work here, whether you wanted to stay here after finding out about what the animals are. It would’ve complicated things, the emotions you’ll have to work through now that you know the truth. Whether or not you decide to give another tour, you also know what they’re like. That’s the benchmark I wanted you to reach before you found out about who you are.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Who I-” My face went slack. “Wait.”
Suzanne nodded slowly. “You’re only half human. Your brother too.”
The room seemed to tilt on an axis for a moment. “That means I’m also half…what?”
“We call ourselves Eldritch, these days,” she replied.
My eyes bugged out. “What?” I exclaimed. “So you’re all, like, gods or something?”
Suzanne burst out laughing. “Oh no, goodness, no,” she chuckled. “It’s just a word. We live in a very different world from this one, and a few generations ago we discovered the word and it made its way into our lexicon. But it does mean you can see all the animals. Indeed you did, on the tour you gave.”
“Wait, no, I had the glasses that…” I stopped. “Did those glasses do anything?”
She gave a sly smile and shook her head. “Not a thing. You made incredibly quick progress, and then when it came time for the tour, all you needed was to expect to see the animals, and you did.”
Genetics. That’s what Andrew had said during our interview, that part of how many animals you could see was determined by genetics. I guess having a mother who was originally from the other dimension gave me all the genes I needed to see everything here. “Could I…visit your world?” I asked tentatively. “You said that my mom took photos of the animals there. Could I…” My voice trailed off, not even sure if or how I wanted to finish that sentence.
“Those who are half human, especially those who are raised on Earth, don’t come visit,” she said gently. “I could show you some photos of other animals, and I could loan you as many books as you’d like, but it’s simply not a place where you’d be safe.”
“Oh,” I said, leaning into the couch cushion as I pictured the animals in the zoo. “Yeah, actually that…makes sense.” I paused. “So, what now?”
“It’s up to you,” she said. “I wanted to wait until I was sure you were comfortable with your position here, and then put the ball in your court. And so it is. What do you want to do now?”
What did I want to do? It wasn’t that difficult a question, just a deep, serious one.
I wanted to thrive, as the animals did. This is my enrichment now, working at an incredible, wonderful, terrifying zoo. The experience so far hasn’t been perfect, and I know there are risks, but life isn’t about staying safe. It’s about learning new things and making a difference in the world. And, if you’re lucky, having a job that’s something really special.
​
THE END
​
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I know a lot of producers have talked about unsolicited feedback in the past but this post isn't about that. It's about feedback for various projects and feedback that gets requested and given. This also applies equally to original production in many cases.
A good number of mashup producers do not tend to master or don't apply limiters on tracks, or just make them softer compared to commercial levels. When albums get mastered, loudness will usually be adjusted through various plugins (EQ, multiband compressors, limiters, clippers, etc.) to shape masters so that one track is not significantly louder or softer than another especially back-to-back and groups of tracks follow a certain sound.
What this means is that once your softer mashup of -14 or -15 LUFS or softer is amplified to commercial levels in the -7 to -11 LUFS range or more depending on genre and how the overall track should sound given peaks and valleys with softer and louder parts (LUFS stands for loudness units full scale, look that up), small issues may stand out like thorns when amplified. Bottom line: Don't take the small or big issues personally; we're all human, we all miss things, and we can all improve. You may learn something new!
Think of it like how you ask to proofread writing to check for spelling or grammar and have it work for the audience.
All this to say, feedback I give or others give based on small details may come across as nit-picks at first. Don't completely discount them. You never know who will want to play your tracks, and this could range from personal playlists all the way up to DJ gigs and big festival stages.
In the case of a club DJ or performances on festival stages, volumes will be significantly louder than what you may have worked with when you created the track. I've given the restaurant food analogy before but I'll give it again: If something clearly doesn't taste good, people won't usually know why. But an experienced chef who knows how the ingredients interact sure will.
Just something to think about as you improve on mashup production and production in general.
Here are some issues below that experienced mashup producers could point out. Note that a lot of the "don't do this" stuff is really code for "don't do this unless you really know you're doing and it sounds good":

Big issues

• Out of key (OOK): This refers to wrong key signature (e.g. mixing A Minor with B Minor), not blue notes from modes or short moments of modulation. Key rule of thumb: If you're going to use key databases, verify by ear. Tunebat is the least accurate. If you must do so, use a reliable key database like the ones in this post. DJ software can work, but some automatic key detection performs better than others and are far from perfect. Above all, databases are not perfect and some will be far from it, so ears will be the final judge of whether a pairing sounds good.
• Out of tempo/time (OOT): this usually refers to wrong tempo (e.g. mixing a 116 BPM track with a 118 BPM track) or not constant tempo and going out of time. Key rule of thumb: Sync your tracks and if you need to use any form of warping (see Ableton), be prepared to do so.
• Too much going on (a.k.a. playing both songs at the same time): This happens when playing multiple main elements at the same time to the point where multiple elements or entire songs played together clash in key, progression, or other things to make the combination sound unpleasant and hard to listen to. Sometimes this can sound really good if the progressions are compatible, but generally, less is more.
• Incorrect/bad beat alignment: This is more for when a vocal or element is offbeat enough that it really sticks out as a trainwreck when mixed together
• Wrong beat/out of structure/off structure/bad phrasing: This is when a vocal or other element is placed on a beat that doesn't make sense for what it's combined with (e.g. placing the first word of a vocal over an instrumental on beat 2 when it was meant for beat 1). Mileage will vary, sometimes the vocal beat placement only makes sense for the original song and makes less sense on others.
• Distortion from going in the red: This is when the overall mix or elements sound distorted because the volume of each track channel is too loud and either alone or combined goes well above 0 dBFS (a.k.a. into the red). Key rule of thumb: Start your track volumes at -6 dB (not 0 dB) and then adjust to taste. Don't go into the red unless you absolutely know what you're doing.
• Elements way too soft or loud: This is more along the lines of not being able to hear the added vocals or elements at all or they're too loud that you can't hear the other elements in the mix.
• Big mood mismatch: This tends to be less egregious, but if sources don't cooperate at all to a point of completely ruining the vibe, the mashup could stick out like a sore thumb from the start. Mileage will vary, and sometimes your audience would appreciate this especially with genre clashes even to the point of creating memes. But it depends on what you're going for, and sometimes you want consistency for certain albums and groups of tracks.

Smaller issues

• Fifth traps/not picking the right keys to use: This is a specific version of another problem I'll touch on, but this happens when you mix keys fifths or fourths away (e.g. F Major and C Major) and the chord progressions don't cooperate. What makes this a trap is that the pairing might appear to sound good at first glance, but when you look back at what you made, you probably could have made a better sounding pairing if you had just picked sources in key, relative key (e.g. A Minor and C Major), or parallel to the mode type (i.e. A Minor with A Dorian since Dorian is a minor mode). This Berklee Online article is a really good starting point to modes. With modes, mileage will vary.
• Out of progression/blue notes: This can happen when there are short moments where the element clashes on top of other elements (e.g. modes or short moments of different modulation). Sometimes the tracks may not be compatible, but other times it's just a part with notes outside the scale. This can be fixed by doing small note changes, but be careful not to make it too obvious, otherwise it might sound like you're forcing the pairing to work. It may also follow the same theme as fifth traps, where you could have made a better sounding pairing if you had just picked sources in key, relative key (e.g. A Minor and C Major), or parallel to the mode type (i.e. A Minor with A Dorian since Dorian is a minor mode). This Berklee Online article is a really good starting point to modes. With modes, mileage will vary.
• Low quality sources: This happens with YouTube or other rips where the elements are lower quality due to a lower frequency cutoff (YouTube is usually 15.5 kHz for AAC, other platforms may be 15-16 kHz for 128 kbps MP3, etc.). Bottom line: Get the highest quality sources you can, and use Spek or another spectrum analysis software to check rips or record pool sources. Your ears and processing algorithms will thank you. Again, you never know who will listen to or play out your track, could even be a big sound system.
• Stem separation artifacts: This can take several different forms, but can happen when either the invert or stem separation algorithm being used adds noise or other unwanted high end artifacts like high hats that once amplified, will absolutely stand out in a mix. This also includes artifacts from stem separation algorithms like Utagoe which make vocals sound like they're underwater at default settings. Key rule of thumb: Remember that the instrumental and original could be mixed and mastered differently depending on the production environment and how masters spread. If an invert makes a vocal stand out more but just needs extra cleaning, don't be afraid to combine the invert technique (original + instrumental) with stem separation. When using multiple stem separation techniques or using different sources (like remix + remix instrumental), think about how they sound on parts of the instrumental and consider picking the best extraction for a given part; remember that this includes using the original song (this is called comping in the production world). If there are parts of vocals intended to be silent and there are artifacts, don't be afraid to replace the reverb + delay with your own. Keep up to date with stem separation algorithms by keeping up with developments on the Audio Separation Discord server: https://discord.gg/wY3AAaTvHT
• A little too much going on: This happens in many cases when looking at megamashups, megamixes, and even simpler overlap of vocals where too many elements are competing for space at some point (e.g. two vocals at the same time competing for mono or midrange). Key rule of thumb: In production just as in life, leave elbow room! With vocals, this can be done by overlapping a lead source that's more mono (e.g. lead vocal) with a background source that's more stereo (e.g. background vocals or vocal pad). When transitioning, it's also really useful to slightly pan or automate pan and volume of the vocal you're trying to brief in, which can include repeating the first word or few words of a phrase. Volume and EQ may also be useful here to properly convey space.
• Weird time-stretch and pitch-shift artifacts: This can happen when using a lower quality time-stretch or a time-stretch that can destroy transients/drum hits (Audacity or Elastique Efficient on vocals, older Elastique Pro on full instrumentals) or pitching too much and/or with too much/little formant preserve. The best way to reduce these effects on instrumental is to think about combining stem separation with ways to improve quality (pitch everything BUT the drums unless tonal, experiment with different time stretch methods on different elements, etc.). For too much pitch or formant preserve, either pick sources that are closer in key (+/- 2 semitones is a good rule of thumb) and try to control the amount of formant preservation and/or envelope (in Ableton) to make the vocals sound more natural. Formant preserve is usually a good idea for pitched vocals, but can sound bad for pitched instrumentals especially drums depending on the track.
• Pops or clicks while editing: This tends to happen when elements like vocals are cut off when not at zero volume. Key rule of thumb: Edit to zero crossing and/or use fades to cut off regions or when combining different regions together.
• Flanging, phasing, or flamming while editing: Sometimes these effects are on purpose, but oftentimes when crossfading between different parts of an instrumental, both parts of the edit don't align on beat. Flanging and phasing applies for sample level edits (ms or more), flamming for tenths or hundredths of seconds (e.g. 0.05 sec or 0.1 sec). Flamming is a drumming term for when the same part of the drum kit (usually the snare drum) is hit twice with different sticks at close to but not exactly the same time.
• Starting the first part of the mix you can hear too early or too late: This basically falls into starting immediately at 0:00 (0 seconds) or starting two seconds in, so you end up starting the mix you can hear in the overall track too early that it's hard to correctly rewind in a media player or starts way too suddenly, or too late that it feels like an eternity for the track to start. Basic rule of thumb: Always start your track with a little bit of silence (think about 0.2 seconds minimum but all depends on source material).
• Incorrect end of loop region/end of track marker too early or too late: This falls into one of two categories. One category is forgetting to listen for the reverb tail or tail end of one of the tracks and setting the end of track marker too early to the point of hearing the mix completely cut off. The other category is when you forget to set the end of track marker, so it defaults to the end of the project, which leaves a lot of silence (think tens of seconds instead of a few to fade out) at the end due to the end of track marker being far too late.
• Vocals or other elements end too suddenly in an edit: You may want to get different vocals to interact with each other or edit out of artifacts from vocal stem separation, but the other vocal (or elements) sound like they were cut off. Key rule of thumb: Have a reverb effect handy, and if you're working in a DAW, take advantage of wet/dry automation and combine the reverb with delay afterwards in the effect chain for vocals and other elements so when you crank up the wet the decay helps fade out the element gracefully.
• Vocals or other elements start too suddenly or out of place when connecting them or transitioning: This also considers getting different vocals or other elements to work together or going to a new part, but refers to a new part using vocals or other elements sounding out of place at the beginning of a region in a transition. Key rule of thumb: Watch your crossfades and when you're in a pinch and want to start the next part gracefully, don't be afraid to use reverse reverb or other effect like a riser to introduce a completely new element or different part in a pinch. Reverse reverb is exactly what it sounds: Adding reverb to a short snippet of an element like a cymbal, vocal note, or pad, and then applying reverse on it. Often this is done by choosing a tonal center to transition into, choosing a small snippet to add reverb to, choosing reverb with a long decay time and big space (usually I do a Cathedral reverb), reversing it, and then carefully aligning the reverse reverb so the end of it hits the beginning of the next region. Whew that was a lot! Tutorials will do this much more justice but this is the general idea.
• Vocals too dry or too wet for the instrumental: Usually this depends on the instrumental's genre. For genres like pop or EDM, vocals tend to have some reverb applied to make them shine. For others like alternative and some classic hip-hop, the reverb might be less or no wet or a completely different type. This issue usually refers to too little reverb (too dry) or too much reverb (too wet). Key rule of thumb: Don't forget to have reverb handy. You might need it. Keep your wet low in the middle of a vocal depending on what you're trying to do (think 3-5% wet or - on the low side
• Vocals or other elements slightly too loud or soft: Self-explanatory, this is usually an issue where elements should be the right volume for elements to work well together.
• Vocals or other elements drowned out/don't gel due to hypercompression: This usually happens when using a vocal not from an EDM, hyperpop, hard rock, or other genre where there is hypercompression but no matter how much volume amount you try elements like vocals don't gel and compete for space in the mid range. Two common techniques take the form of adding more compression to a vocal to stand up to an hypercompressed instrumental and/or reducing mid band EQ of the other source (which could come from sidechaining). For the added compression, it tends to be done with either multiple compressors in series (e.g. two compressors using low threshold + high ratio and high threshold + low ratio) or through various guitar distortion plugins on settings meant for vocals (e.g. Camelcrusher with British Clean or certain presets of OTT). Don't be afraid to experiment.
• Master too loud or soft for the genre: This usually takes the form of using limiters and other effects to make certain tracks too loud for the genre intended, or not using anything at all and the track is too soft for the genre/commercial sound. This can come down to taste, but how a track was produced can affect how loud you master. Mileage will vary; listen to how loud tracks are made and emulate your favorites assuming nothing too egregious.
• Stereo issues: This can happen if there are elements out of phase when trying to combine mono and stereo or applying other effects. It's a bit more difficult to diagnose, but one rule of thumb is to test your overall track on different playback systems (from headphones to big speakers and even your phone or small bluetooth speaker which will effectively test mono depending on the device).

Wow that was a lot and I know it's very overwhelming who don't produce a ton. There might be more issues I didn't mention here, so let me know if there's anything else that could be useful.
Update 1: Added "bad phrasing" under the off structure issue, this is the DJing term for it
Update 2: Added two variations of "too much going on" to the bigger and smaller issues
Update 3: Added "Starting the first part of the mix you can hear too early or too late" and "Incorrect end of loop region/end of track marker too late" as two additional small issues.
Update 4: Changed one bullet to "Incorrect end of loop region/end of track marker too early or too late"

Note: Bio of sorts: An Introduction To The Book That Is Me : ASMRScriptHaven (reddit.com)
Note: Library: Masterlist for edgiscript : ASMRScriptHaven (reddit.com)
Part 5: [F4M] Mafia Dog - Part 5 of 7 [Military Operation] [Discussion: Cap Or Iron Man?] [Rescuing Mom] [Vigilante Justice] [Working In The Shadows] : ASMRScriptHaven (reddit.com)

Part 6

Note: Optional driving sounds as Carissa is in a car.
Carissa: Ok, I’ve received the next set of instructions. I’m heading that way now. Did you receive them, Jane?
Jane: (On coms.) Yeah, Mom, we got it. It looks like they’re taking you out to the docks. I wonder if they’ve got a boat ready for you. That might cause a problem backing you up.
Carissa: I trust you. We prepared for that possibility.
Jane: (On coms.) I know but….
Carissa: Jane? JANE! Damn it. They’ve cut off our communications somehow.
(Beep or tone.)
And now they’re changing my directions. They knew I’d try to have backup. I’ll give you this, Francine. You’re good at this.
Well, there’s nothing else for it. I’m on my own.
(Suddenly startled.) What the? Puppy!?! You were hiding in the ammo bag? Damn it, Puppy, I told you that you weren’t allowed to accompany me on this one. It’s too dangerous.
(Pause.)
(Upset.) I don’t care, Puppy. I know we’ve prepared, but this is a calculated risk. Do you understand, Puppy. A RISK! I’m intentionally walking into a trap. That means I’m very aware this could all blow up in my face. I’m willing to take that risk on my own. I WASN’T… I wasn’t willing to lose you too, Puppy.
(Concerned.) How do you think Jane’s going to react when she finds out you came with me?
(Pause.)
(Upset.) SHE WHAT!?! She agreed to this? She even helped distract me so I wouldn’t notice you? Jane, you are in so much…
(Pause as she’s interrupted by Puppy.)
(Irritated.) No, Puppy. She’s not getting out of this. I’m going to kick her ass when we get back. Let’s just hope we both get through this alive so that I can do that.
(Pause.)
(Irritated but understanding.) Yes, I’m upset. But I’m not upset with how much you care. The reason why we accepted you on the team is because you care so deeply about all of us. Thank you, Puppy. I mean it. I’m still furious with you, but… thank you.
Well, since you’re here now, you might as well climb into the front seat. You can talk with me as we drive.
(Pause.)
I love you too, Puppy, but you can’t just defy my orders like that. I said you couldn’t come for a reason. You’re not trained for this type of thing.
(Suddenly upset.) Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!
(Pause.)
No. I’m sorry, Puppy. I keep fluctuating between being glad you’re here and wishing you weren’t. I should just stop and dump you out right now, but if I do that, Francine will suspect something’s up. And I’d probably have to knock you out in order to get you out of the car.
(Pause.)
(Amused.) Don’t smile at that. You… (Chuckles.) Wow, Puppy, how do you do it? How do you make me want to laugh at a time like this. You really are something.
So, tell me. Why did you, and apparently Jane as well, think it was a good idea to come with me?
(Pause.)
That’s the plan. Francine should be there personally for a one-on-one.
(Pause.)
(Annoyed.) Puppy, we’ve discussed this. We don’t know that that’s Francine’s true motivation. You really think she’s your yandere? That she’s so obsessed with getting you back that it will keep her from hurting me because she might hurt you as well?
(Pause.)
Even if that’s true, and I’m not saying it is, even if she is obsessing over you to that degree, wouldn’t it mean that she’ll want to kill me even more since I’m the one protecting you right now?
(Pause.)
Yeah, you hadn’t thought of that. Oh well. You’re here now. I guess we’ll find out which one of us is correct. Right before we’re both gunned down, one of us can look at the other with an “I told you so” smirk.
(Pause as Carissa laughs in a way that says she can’t believe the direction this night has taken.)
(Amused and conciliatory.) Oh, brother. You are something, Puppy. No matter what happens tonight, I’m glad you’re with me.
(Pause.)
Yes, I guess that would make you my Samwise Gamgee. Alright, so what’s the plan?
(Pause.)
You’re just my ace-in-the-hole if things start looking sour? Ok. Who knows. I might need it.
(Beep or tone.)
And it looks like we’re here.
(If you were using optional car sounds, they end now as the car is shut off. Pause as Puppy speaks.)
(Hushed tones as some nerves are setting in.) You recognize this place? We had marked this location as one that we suspected she was using as a drop off point for human trafficking, but we were never able to verify it.
(Pause.)
Watchtowers? There and there. Ok, I see them. Thanks. That is a help.
Whoa! Yeah, they’re here, all right. They’re lighting us up. They’re trying to blind us, keep us from seeing their true numbers.
Puppy, lay your seat back. I’m going to throw the empty ammo bag over you. I don’t want Francine to know just yet that you’re here. Someone’s approaching. I think it’s her.
(Pause. Phone rings.)
(Conversation with Francine is cool, calculated, and professional.) Hello, Francine. Looking well, I see.
(Pause.)
Exit my car so I can step into the line of sight from your snipers unprotected? No thanks. I’ll stay right here for now, thank you very much.
(Pause.)
Yes, I’m well aware of the terms we established for this meeting. And since you’ve already broken them by not coming alone, tell me why should I trust you not to break the rest of them?
(Pause.)
Look, you can talk about civilities and honor among thieves and all of that crap for as long as you want, Francine. At the end of the day, you’re the criminal, and I’m the one trying to stop you. Now why did you request this meeting?
(Pause.)
Yeah, I suppose I’m a criminal too. The cops do want me. They want to know all about what I’ve been doing to stop people like you. So, I’ll tell you what. I’ll turn myself in.
(Pause.)
No, I’m serious. It’s a genuine offer. You want me to stop hunting you and I want you to stop hurting people. We can easily both get what we want. We’ll end all of this right now.
I will let the Feds know everything about what I’ve done and what I’ve been doing, and in return, you have to come with me and confess to all of your secrets as well. We’ll both go in together and share everything we know.
You can tell them about your kidnapping people for a profit and about your drug running activities. You can supply the Feds with information about your dealers and where your captives end up once you’ve sold them.
(Carissa slows down and becomes a little more direct.) And… you can tell them all about one certain individual we picked up on one of our raids who was hidden behind a secret wall. You can tell them about all of the injuries he had sustained. You can tell them all about how you enjoyed beating his body and crushing his spirit.
(Pause.)
And why would I give you that information?
(Pause.)
Of course, I know where he is. Answer the question. What makes him so valuable to you?
(Pause.)
Well then, I guess we have nothing further to discuss.
(Hangs up.)
(Hushed tones.) My God, Puppy. She’s going ballistic.
(Pause.)
(Still hushed.) Yes, that’s her pounding on the glass and shrieking. Just mentioning you caused her to hysterically lose control. I’m going to say it right now before the bullets start to fly. You were right.
(Phone ringing.)
(Back to being calculated and professional.) You have something else you wish to add, Francine? I thought we were done here.
(Pause.)
My, my. Such vitriol for me over just one person. What about the others whose lives you’ve destroyed? What about…?
(Pause as she’s interrupted by Francine’s hysterics.)
Francine, calm down. I can’t understand what you’re saying.
(Pause.)
No, I’m not going to give him back to you.
(Pause.)
Wow. You certainly did come prepared. I daresay those rockets would pretty much make this car a smoldering heap and destroy everything in it.
(Whispering.) Ok, Puppy, it’s time to pull out the ace.
(Speaking normally.) Everything.
(Hangs up. Pause.)
(To Puppy.) That’s right. She’s figuring out it’s really you. She’s telling everyone to hold their fire.
(Pause.)
Well, Puppy, I’m going to say it again. You were right. She is losing it.
(Pause.)
(Firmly.) No, whatever you do, do not listen to her demands and set foot out of this car. Remaining where you are is the only thing keeping both of us alive right now. We have to wait until…
(Sound of distant muffled bullet fire or explosives.)
Until Mike and Ronnie get here.
Jane: (Returns on coms.) Carissa! Mom, can you hear me?
Carissa: I hear you, Jane.
Jane: Oh, thank God. Whatever was blocking us just disappeared. I take it that means Ronnie and Mike have located you.
Carissa: That’s right. They’ve eliminated the threat. Completely. It worked, Jane. Francine is dead. If you’re in contact with them right now, tell them to try to leave some of her minions alive if they can. We need information on where they sent their captives if we have any hope of retrieving them.
Jane: Roger that. And, Mom. Is… is…
Carissa: Puppy’s fine, Jane. But you and I are going to have a little talk when I get back. And Jane?
Jane: Yes, Mom?
Carissa: Thank you.
Jane: Yes, Mom.
(Disconnects.)
Carissa: (Appreciative.) Well, Puppy, it looks like I have to thank you too. Disobeying my orders may have saved my life. It gave me those few extra seconds for Mike and Ronnie to get into position.
(Pause.)
Puppy, you don’t owe me anything much less everything.
(Pause.)
Yeah, I did save your life, didn’t I. Well, now I’d say that debt has been repaid. Come on. I think it’s time we get back.
(Optional car starting back up and driving noises begin again. Pause as Puppy talks.)
(Resolute.) Oh, no. No way am I letting her off the hook. Jane’s still in trouble. She’s going to have to face the consequences of her actions. You both are.
(Sneakily loving with a slight grin.) I was thinking that a suitable punishment would be a suspension for the both of you. I think two weeks would be appropriate. You both wouldn’t be allowed to set foot in the base during that time so you’d have to find someplace else to go, say… maybe Hawaii? I know Jane has always wanted to see it.
(Pause.)
(Surprised.) Whoa there, Puppy. No hugging the driver. We got out of this alive. Let’s not ruin that by getting into a car accident now.
(Pause.)
Yes, Puppy, I love you too. You’ve become a big part of all of our lives. Now just sit back and relax. The front car seat has to be more comfortable than hiding in the bag.
(Pause.)
Well, we’ve still got a lot more work to do in dismantling Francine’s operation, and organized crime in the area hasn’t stopped with her. We’re not exactly disbanding now that Francine’s gone. But for your part, I think that this chapter in your life is over. You can rest now, Puppy. You’ve earned it.
Final chapter next

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

I've owned my Polestar 2 for 3 weeks now and have a lot to say about the car.
TLDR: - Looks good on the outside and inside with performance and plus packs - Pilot pack adds to an interesting driving experience - Range and electric adds to longer journeys due to charging time and public charging prices are more expensive than petrol
Model Year: 2021 Interior: WeaveTech in Charcoal with Black ash deco - This option is a little dull to be honest. I haven't been in a Nappa Polestar but in pictures that looks really nice. I believe even the slate would look better. - I do like the comfort of the seat but I have had comfier seats. Where it really shines is the number of adjustments you can make to it. - The golden seat belts to match the brake calipers on the performance pack are a nice touch - The centre console is occupies a lot of space without providing much storage. They have tried to give some of that back with the little side storage on it which I like the concept of - no major comments about the controversial cup holder but I wish the centre storage where the second cup holder is had more space - The infotainment system is a little slow and I wish the screen had a button to turn it off for when it's not needed. Overall though I like the Android OS and can see potential once it has time to mature some more. The risk is Google likes to randomly end projects so who knows if it will get canned in some nearby year. - I really like the integration of Google maps. Firstly into the driver HUD and secondly that it can read the battery level and automatically add stops for charging points - The 360 camera is nice but I wish that the view had rear camera in a split screen. Still it's not too bad as I can use the mirrors at the same time to help. - The design of the gear knob is cool, especially with the Polestar logo. - I have the panoramic roof which I think is really cool. Unfortunately as the driver you do not get to enjoy it much. - I wish the lights had more colour options other than white - I like the music auto plays when I sit in the car - I like that there is no on/off. I just sit and drive. - The Harmon sound system is okay but could be clearer. I haven't played around with the mixer yet so maybe need to adjust that for better sound quality.
Exterior: Midnight Performance Pack - Overall I like the exterior of the car. It was one of the main reasons that I bought it. Especially with the performance pack. - Not 100% sure about the front grill though - The front lights look pretty cool. I like the motion they make when you lock/unlock the car. I have the Pixel lights and seeing them in action is awesome. - I think the back looks really nice. I think the rear light looks futuristic and the motion it does when you lock/unlock the car puts the icing on the cake. - The Polestar logo on the car blends in really nicely and isn't so in your face. - The rimless wing mirrors look great. Now whenever I sit in other cars I notice the ugly frame around the wing mirrors. The blind spot warning lights on them are really useful too. - The car has an interesting stance making it somehow look bigger than it really is - The two tone alloys and eye catching yellow brembo brake calipers make a nice combination
Motor: Long range Dual motor - It makes the range a little too short . It has over 50 miles less range than the long range single motor. Despite this I like having the additional performance power available and therefore I am willing to make the sacrifice. - The reduced range and longer recharge time versus a petrol car does add time to roadtrips unfortunately. Charging prices on the road mean the long journeys are more expensive than a petrol car as well. However for local driving it is great and charging at home is very easy and convenient.
Driving experience - The instant acceleration is fun and for this reason I'm seriously considering getting the performance software upgrade. - The steering, even on the firmest setting is still too light for me and doesn't really feel connected to the road. This is to be expected for this kind of car I guess. There is understeer when pushing it a bit as well. Interesting that you can make the car slide. - I am a convert to single pedal driving it is really nice to not really have to use the brakes. I really like going into corners and not having to use the brake to adjust the speed, as well as when having to come to a stop just letting go of the pedal and slowing nicely to a stop. - I'm undecided whether to have creep on or off. I have it on at the moment but I'm considering turning it off - adaptive cruise control with the lane control is amazing on motorways, the car is almost driving itself. Not so useful in local driving, especially in the UK but there's nothing wrong with old fashioned less autonomous driving - I had a fun experience with the rear collision detection. I thought the seatbelts were trying to choke me but after a moment realised that the car is trying to protect me when it thought someone was going to hit me from behind. I love that feature.
Keys: - The fat keys are too big but I barely use them - the active lifestyle key is slim and combined with the touch sensitive door handles suits me very well - I do not believe in my phone enough yet to use it as a full time key however it is very convenient when I just need to go to the car for any quick reason. I don't have to take my key with me because the phone is the key making it a lot more convenient. The polestar app is fairly limited but it's useful to see the battery charge, whether you forgot to lock it and where the car currently is.
One last point that I didn't really know where to fit is that I really like the online documentation that is available for the car, it's really clear and explains a lot of things and I can search through it using Google
Let's see what the next few weeks, months and years brings.