Hey there! Looking for some feedback on my itinerary as a solo traveler, 20F. Previously posted in TokyoTravel and received some great feedback. Have since updated my plans.
I'll be in Tokyo from late February to early March in 2025. I'll probably be buying konbini food if there isn't a meal slot. No jet lag since I'll be departing from a similar time zone.
My first hotel is at Asakusa and my second hotel is at Akasaka. I am happy to take things out that are overrated and slot new adventures in. Also happy to cut down if some days appear excessive. Thanks for your help!
Day 1

1. Arrival - Narita Airport 12PM
2. Temporary luggage storage @ Ueno ~2:30PM
3. Yushima Shrine Plum Blossom Festival 3PM
4. Shibuya Sky ~Sunset
5. Shibuya Loft 6PM
6. Dinner 8PM
7. Nonbei Yokocho (brief walk) 9PM
8. Check-in 10PM

Day 2

1. Train to Nikko 6AM
2. Shinkyo Bridge 9AM
3. Nikko Toshogu 10AM
4. Futanransan Shrine 1PM
5. Kanmangafuchi Abyss 2:30PM
6. Kegon Falls 4:30PM
7. Train to Shinjuku 5:30PM
8. Dinner 8PM

Day 3

1. Train to Miura 5AM
2. Miura Kaigan Cherry Blossom Festival 7AM
3. Seafood breakfast 9AM
4. Train to Nezu Museum 10AM
5. Nezu Museum + Lunch 12PM
6. Intermediatheque 4PM
7. Kabuki (One act) ~after 6PM
8. Dinner ~9PM

Day 4

1. Train to Hasedera Temple 6AM
2. Stop along Enoden Line for photographs ~8:30AM
3. Hasedera Temple 9:45AM
4. Kotoku-in & Big Buddha 11:45AM
5. Hokokuji Temple + Tea service 1:45PM
6. Tsurugaoka Hachimangu 3PM
7. Cape Inamuragasaki ~Sunset
8. Dinner 6:30PM
9. Enoshima Winter Illuminations 7:30PM

Day 5

1. Glitch coffee 9AM
2. Jimbocho Book Town + Lunch ~10AM (After coffee)
3. Ghibli Museum ~2:50PM
4. Wander around Kichijoji + Dinner 6PM
5. Live-house music TBD ~8PM

Day 6

1. Tomioka Hachiman Shrine Antique Fair 8:30AM
2. Kimono Experience 10:30AM
3. Oedo Antique Market 12:30PM
4. Late lunch 3PM
5. Akihabara 4PM
6. Kanda Shrine 7PM
7. Dinner 8:30PM

Day 7

1. Bus to Mt. Fuji 6AM
2. Arakura Sengen Park 9AM
3. Saiko Iyashi-no-Sato Nenba + Lunch 12PM
4. Kubota Itchiku Art Museum 3PM
5. Walk to Kawaguchiko Bridge (Sunset) ~5PM
6. Bus to Shinjuku 6PM
7. Dinner 8:30PM

Day 8

1. Senso-ji 6:30AM
2. Breakfast & Check-out 8AM
3. Tokyo National Museum 10:30AM
4. Lunch ~2PM
5. National Museum of Western Art 3PM
6. Dinner 5:30PM
7. Onsen 7PM
8. Check-in 2nd hotel (Staying in a capsule hotel for the experience) 10PM

Day 9

1. Hie Shrine 7AM
2. Fuglen Tokyo 9AM
3. Meiji Jingu 10AM
4. Cafe REISSUE + Lunch 12PM
5. Shinjuku Gyoen 1:30PM
6. Hotel Gajoen Hinamatsuri 5:30PM
7. Dinner 7PM
8. Shinjuku Night Tour (Golden Gai, Omoide Yokocho etc.) 8PM

Day 10

1. Tsukiji Outer Market 7AM
2. Check-out 9AM
3. Teamlabs Borderless 10AM
4. Lunch ~12PM (whenever Borderless finishes)
5. Departure - Narita Airport 5PM

So last year in June 2023 I ended up renewing with a HastingsDirect YouDrive black box policy that utilised their app on my phone and a bluetooth tag in my car to monitor drives. Due to a little mishap later that year I wound up with 3 points on my licence and ever since have been worrying about how much my renewal is going to be.
This month I received my renewal email from Hastings and oddly the price is actually slightly lower by about £80 according to the email I will no longer need the black box and that the renewal price has taken my "driving data" (black box score) into account when calculating it.
I checked the details in the app and under convictions it states simply "Taken from MyLicence" since when I first signed up I supplied my driving licence number to them which means if I'm not mistaken they can automatically see the points from the DVLA database.
Is this price legitimate? Been driving since June 2021, 3 years NCD, car is a 61 plate Peugeot 107 with no mods. Me and mum kind of doubt their price since both me and her filled out quotes on comparison sites which show four-figure sums.

So last year in June 2023 I ended up renewing with a HastingsDirect YouDrive black box policy that utilised their app on my phone and a bluetooth tag in my car to monitor drives. Due to a little mishap later that year I wound up with 3 points on my licence and ever since have been worrying about how much my renewal is going to be.
This month I received my renewal email from Hastings and oddly the price is actually slightly lower by about £80 according to the email I will no longer need the black box and that the renewal price has taken my "driving data" (black box score) into account when calculating it.
I checked the details in the app and under convictions it states simply "Taken from MyLicence" since when I first signed up I supplied my driving licence number to them which means if I'm not mistaken they can automatically see the points from the DVLA database.
Is this price legitimate? Been driving since June 2021, 3 years NCD, car is a 61 plate Peugeot 107 with no mods. Me and mum kind of doubt their price since both me and her filled out quotes on comparison sites which show four-figure sums.

Context
Michael Jackson’s song 'Smooth Criminal' featured on his seventh album Bad (1987). The song is about a woman being attacked in their apartment. It used the refrain “Annie Are You Ok?” which is used to teach students CPR on CPR mannequin Annie (Wikipedia, 2023). “Resusci Anne was developed by the Norwegian toy maker Åsmund S. Lærdal and the Austrian-Czech physician Peter Safar and American physician James Elam” (Wikipedia, 2023). The oldest version is the proto-CPR mannequin of the world. It was invented after Asmund “was alerted to… physicians and engineers in Baltimore that had a new and much more effective method for resuscitation, involving mouth-to-mouth breathing”. The creation was sentimental as Tore, his son, had experienced drowning. The doll was modelled after the face of the death mask, ‘L’ inconnue de la Seine’ translated from French to English meaning ‘The unknown of the Seine’ (A rich heritage, 2023). They chose the face of a young female as male doctors would’ve felt uncomfortable practising on a same-sexed doll . Additionally, to resurrect a girl “millions of times is at the centre of a macabre mystery.”
Legend
Legend states, a young female corpse was pulled from the river Seine, the death mask was moulded on the corpse's face by a pathologist as they were beheld by her beauty. The corpse awaited with other bodies for identification which never came in the Paris Morgue. This practise was real as “two-thirds of the corpses dealt with by the morgue fished out of the Seine" were "suicides, accidental drownings or murders” (The Guardian, 2007).
Eric Nadeau stated "the pathologist asked for a mould to be made of the young woman’s face and the closest moulder was [their] very own Michel Lorenzi who founded Artlier Lorenzi, a molding workshop founded in 1871 “19, Rue Racine” (Morgan, 2017) . A suggestion from a now deleted post by users: and the link provided by in this thread provided contradicting info, Phoebe Judge stated that Eric Nardeau stated that the mask wasn’t created of a corpse, but Lorenzi stated in a 1914 French interview, but of a living model in 1866. The mask was made due to the model's popularity with other artists (The unknown woman, p.8, 2023).
According to Nadeau: “Michel Lorenzi, who was from an old moulding family based in a small village near Lucca, Italy and arrived in Paris around 1850” (Morgan, 2017). Although, another source stated that “Michel had a house in Piano. di Coreglia, came to settle in Paris around 1868” (LORENZI Pierre- Sculptor, n.d). It's possible the mask wasn't created in France but Italy according to the date Michel Lorenzi moved and the creation year of the mask provided by Nadeau.
Debunkers
Claire Forestier, a descendant of the original Lorenzi stated the death mask’s face has " full, rounded cheeks ... smooth skin…[usually akin to] casts taken from living faces [as they are] are so clear, so detailed, that when you look at the eyelids you can just see the eyeballs' movement underneath. That's the case with the Inconnue" (The Guardian, 2007).
“… moored at their headquarters near the Pont d'Austerlitz, Chief Brigadier Pascal Jacquin was less than convinced that the girl was dead when the mask was made” according to them “the drowned and suicides, they never look so peaceful. They're swollen, they don't look nice" (Grange, 2013).
"In 1960, Pierre Lièvre reported to the magazine "Chercheurs et Curieux." The interview stated the then owner of Atelier Lorenzi's ancestor (presumably Michel Lorenzi) had "molded the Inconnue at the request of a forensic doctor, as quoted on March 28, 2020 in the "Cousu Main editions blog titled "L'Inconnue de la Seine" on cousumain.worldpress.com"". The writer Jean Ducourneau, whilst writing The Church of Céline "(referenced below) [35, 36]", made a visit to rue Racine, they wrote the found that the mask "had been lifted on the face of a very pretty workshop model, reminding us that it is technically impossible for this mask to have been lifted on a corpse," reiterating the technical impossibility of this veil being lifted from a deceased body. "(In fact very quickly the rigidity cadaver blocks the mandibular joint and the smile would rather have been a rictus or a grimace)"
Origin of the Legend
“The name L'Inconnue de la Seine is quite late and probably dates from Ernst Benkard's collection of photographs in 1926 [25, 26] … placed the Unknown Woman of the Seine on the cover of his collection of death masks, Das ewige Antlitz (The Eternal Face) [Figure 20]. The book was published in 1926. The myth of her death mask probably originates from Rainer Maria Rilke’s Cahiers de Malte Laurids Brigge, published in Germany in 1910, in French 1911*.* “Rilke arrived in Paris in 1902 and stayed at 3 rue de l'Abbé-de-l'Épée near rue Racine. [He] mentions the mask of the Unknown woman associated with that of Beethoven, in the window of the molder Lorenzi, rue Racine. “The face of the young drowned woman that was cast in the morgue, because it was beautiful and because it smiled, because it smiled so deceptively . ". [23L page 72 Points edition] [Figure 11].” (Jean-Pierre, 2022).
Beginning Art History
According to Gaelle-Salliot (2017), Lorenzi’s grandniece stated that the death mask was first used for the 19th tetes d’expression at Ecole Beaux Arts. The author cited Edourd Papet’s (2008, p. 20) fact that the death mask was earliest depicted in Charles Bargue and Jean Leon-Gerome’s cours de dessin a drawing manual which features a drawing of Homer. She is depicted in Figure 2 (Gaëlle-Salliot, 2017, p.7). This drawing manual didn't reference a story of that of drown girl etc.
Potential real facts about the Jane Doe
An alternative name for the live cast is ‘La Belle Italienne’, from Frenct to English meaning, ‘The Beautiful Italian’. She’s seen in A. Daprato & Co. Boston, Manufacturer of Plastic Arts. “Several plaster casts manufacturer in the United States added a portrait of the girl in their [catalogue] collection, but in all [catalogue] she is named as La Belle Italienne. Why Italian?. This is a curious fact, it is a true information or an error because the girl was unknown?” She is seen with the name in “P.P. Caproni & Bro. Boston, Plastic Arts. 1911 cat [-ologue]. Masks n° 13525 La Belle Italienne, from life $ 1,00” (Felice, 2012). “Forestier thinks she must have been at most 16 for her skin to be so firm and smooth” (The Guardian, 2007). “According to the draughtsman Georges Villa, who received this information from his master, the painter Jules Joseph Lefebvre, the impression was taken from the face of a young model who died of tuberculosis around 1875, but no trace of the original cast remained” (M, Bessy, 1981 cited by Wikipedia, 2023)”. However, according to Marious Grout, the model was famous and working for “artists around 1875” (Gaëlle-Salliot, pp.6-7, 2015).
False leads
According to Alvarez (2015) the model of mask gained success in German with their father in a Hamburg factory that reproduced the mask (Gaëlle-Salliot, 2017). This fact doesn’t lead to anywhere. She was also identified as a Russian prostitute named Valerie who committed suicide, buried in Pere- Lachaise (Gaëlle-Salliot, 2017). Although, this comes from the fictional book The Mask by William Wood (G. E. W. H, 1951, p.6). As well as, Ewa Lazlo, a creation of John Goto, who wrote a fictional investigative story identifying the model. They “assumed that people would have a postmodern view and treat it as fictional," and they "really didn't expect [people] to take it seriously" as people online took his story to be factual (Grange, 2013).
Conclusion
She has the artistic reverence and mystery of a once youthful girl alike Afghan girl. “In light of the Cold War, the portrait was described as the "First World's Third World Mona Lisa"” according to S. Hesford and Kozol (2005) cited by Wikipedia, 2023. A title formally given to L’ inconnue de la Seine “because of her mysterious smile, “Mona Lisa of suicide” (Aragon)” (Jean-Pierre, 2022). The legend casts a great shadow over her identity, as the story ends with a corpse; she is muse who’s story is reinvented time and time again. It is possible that not resources all have been exhausted, there is potentially more information that could be obtained by the Artlier Lorenzi. Additionally, we still don’t known the causes-effects that lead to Georges Villa obtaining information about her, it is possible that other documents about this figure exist from this contemporary art community . If this person is Italian - a small possibility – this person’s life could have been documented in Italian records waiting for a face to match the details.
TLDR: An unidentified model possibly of Italian origin, was used to create a live cast of a bust. It was recreated repeatedly. The bust was misreported to a be a “death mask” of girl who drowned in the river Seine, in late 19th century France, from a pathologist in awe of her beauty created the mask. Long after, she became a muse for many artists. Then, she became the model of the first CPR doll in the 1960s. Finally, the victim of a melodic tragedy ‘Smooth Criminal’. No one knows the model’s identity.
Fact-file
Name: Unknown
Age: 16+/- (The Guardian, 2007)
Born: 1850+/- (Based upon the possible creation year of the mask from The unknown woman, p.8, 2023 and possible age range of the model from the Guardian, 2007)
Modelled: 1866? (The Unknown woman, p.8, 2023)
Death year: 1875? (Bessy, 1981 cited by Wikipedia, 2023)
Death cause: Tuberculosis? (Bessy, 1981 cited by Wikipedia, 2023)
Ethnicity: Italian? (Felice, 2012)
Occupation: Model for live casts
Place of work: Lucca, Italy (LORENZI Pierre- Sculptor, n.d) or Artlier Lorenzi, France (Morgan, 2017)?
Employer: Michel Lorenzi (The Guardian, 2007 et al.)
References:

• Bessy, Maurice (1981). 'Mort, où est ton visage?' Monaco: Éditions du Rocher via Wikipedia (2023). 'L' inconnue de la Seine'. Available at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27Inconnue_de_la_Seine [Accessed: 18th March 2024]
• Felice, Andrea (2012). ''La Belle Italienne'. FELICECALCHI The Plaster Casting Journal'. Available at: https://felicecalchi.blogspot.com/2012/05/la-belle-italienne.html [Accessed: 7th Dec 2023]
• Gaëlle-Salliot, Anne (2015). 'Drowned Muse: Casting the Unknown Woman of the Seine Across the Tides of Modernity'. Oxford University Press. Available at: https://books.google.com/books?id=1QBlCgAAQBAJ [Accessed: 18th March 2024]
• 'G. E. W. H' (1951). The Sydney Morning Herald. Available at: https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=tPkQAAAAIBAJ&pg=PA6&dq=The+Sydney+Morning+Herald+l%27inconnue+de+la+seine&article_id=2195,5150417&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiDqpGim5iGAxX8_7sIHQwoB7UQ6AF6BAgHEAI [Accessed: 6th Dec 2023]
• Guardian (2007). 'Ophelia of the Seine'. Available at: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2007/dec/01/france.art [Accessed: 6th Dec 2023]
• Grange, Jeremy (2013). 'Resusci Anne and L'Inconnue: The Mona Lisa of the Seine'. BBC News. Available at: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24534069. [Accessed: 6th Nov 2023]
• Jean-Pierre, Haberer (2022). 'From “The Unknown Woman of the Seine” to Resusci Anne'. CHAR-fr. 22nd Nov 2022. Available at: https://char-fr.net/*Haberer-Jean-Pierre*.html [Accessed: 18th March 2024]
• LORENZI Pierre- Sculptor (n.d). 'Monumentsmorts'. Available at: https://monumentsmorts.univ-lille.fauteu1881/lorenzipierre/ [Accessed: 7th Dec 2023]
• Morgan, Emma (2021). ''Journées du patrimoine: Meet the maker behind world's most kissed face'.' Connexion France. Available at: https://beta.connexionfrance.com/tag/art [Accessed: 9th Dec 2023]
• One Million Lives, (2023). 'A rich Heritage'. Available at: https://one-million-lives.com/a-rich-heritage/ [Accessed: 6th Dec 2023]
• This is criminal (2023). 'Episode 223: The Unknown Woman Air Date: June 16, 2023'. VOX MEDIA [Online]. Available at: https://www.connexionfrance.com/article/People/Interviews/Atelier-Lorenzi-historic-moulding-studio-workshop-opens-doors-to-public-for-one-day-for-Journees-du-patrimoine. [Accessed: 6th Dec 2023] p.8
• Wikipedia (2023). 'Afghan Girl'. Available at: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Afghan_Girl [Accessed: 7th Dec, 2023]
• Wikipedia (2023). 'L'inconnue de la Seine (masque mortuaire)'. Available at: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27Inconnue_de_la_Seine [Accessed: 8th Dec 2023]
• Wikipedia (2023). 'Resusci Annie'. Available at: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resusci_Anne [Accessed: 6th Dec 2023]
• Wikipedia (2023). 'Smooth Criminal'. Available at: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smooth_Criminal [Accessed: 6th Dec 2023]

Now that we have all read the other post, I'd like to take a moment to defend myself.
The client first contacted me on 05/06 @ 1:53Pm see quote request below. Note that there is no mention of the vehicle being inoperable.
https://imgur.com/a/uWQf4sb
The quote was provided @ 3:19 pm that day
https://imgur.com/a/WoV7XYO
It was not disclosed that the vehicle was inoperable until after a price was provided. Please note that this could be considered deceptive and that the price was not adjusted to reflect an inop fee as it should have been. Once I hand down a quote the price doesn't change. Period.
https://imgur.com/a/o8AeXID
Client contract was signed 05/07 @ 6:31pm
https://imgur.com/a/Sz4Loc1
The first carrier was booked 05/09 @ 11:54 am for pickup on the 10th and delivery on the 11th. This is where things start to go south. See the screen below. The client had provided incorrect pickup and contact data.
https://imgur.com/a/JWo1Vh8
This next screen is important. The pickup location closes at 4 for the weekend, I've now lost one carrier and have no options for weekend pickup. The best I can hope for is to schedule it over the weekend for Monday pickup, which is quite challenging.
https://imgur.com/a/qaa6GOA
After causing us to lose Friday through the weekend, we start Monday with a threat to cancel. Please note that the fee's I mentioned are in the contract that the client clearly hadn't read before signing.
https://imgur.com/a/ZjQnDC1
Mon 05/10 3 hours later the load is booked for pickup on Wednesday. The comment I made at the bottom is important. I had assumed the carrier was onsite when they had only called ahead thusfar. I admitted to this and apologized for it on the phone. Clearly my miscommunication.
https://imgur.com/a/FbXKP15
A few hours go by and the truck is running late. That's what trucks do, they run late. But at 8pm, I'm still in communication with the truck and the client. From this point, I call it a night and head to bed. Having worked with this carrier before I was confident that they'd pick up. Which they did.
https://imgur.com/a/C1rSsFQ
Thursday morning, more unwarranted threats. But the unit has now been picked up and is in motion. It was picked up around midnight and timestamped pictures were provided as proof. I reply to her texts 30 minutes before day starts in an effort to ease her mind.
https://imgur.com/a/YCci7Zi
Here I am again, trying my best to help the situation. The move was just under 1100 miles and the vehicle was picked up 10 hours prior. What kind of update exactly are you looking for? Clearly the driver hasn't started their day yet.
https://imgur.com/a/qEWfgZw
Apparently this is where I made the grave mistake. I missed 2 calls and a text from the client through the course of my day. Apparently that is good reason to go full nuclear on a service provider and call names.
https://imgur.com/a/YUjl7Ac
https://imgur.com/a/oPsH6gD
My rebuttal. Again keeping in mind that if we had the correct data, the car would have been delivered days ago. At this point, I decided it was best to cut communication to avoid things getting any worse. The client had made it clear there was no way of making them happy.
https://imgur.com/a/3BiLn2B
https://imgur.com/a/lMDLvlT
Fast forward to Saturday morning. The car delivers first thing. Admittedly later than the target of
https://imgur.com/a/QitjmW2
Friday. However I had warned the client straight away that while reliable, this carrier does tend to run late. Here I'm met with more sarcasm for literally no reason.
https://imgur.com/a/HIZqOmF
Here I am in touch with the carrier trying to get us an update as requested. Note the amount of time between my requests and their response.
https://imgur.com/a/uEsmrWz
As has been displayed, I've done everything to help with this client. The initial problem begins with the failure to mention the car being inop and leads into bad information causing us to lose a few transport days. None of which was the fault of myself or any of the carriers involved.
At the end of the day, the vehicle was picked up on Wednesday as promised, traveled 1100 miles in 48 hours and was delivered unscathed. Aside from an unreasonable and unorganized client causing issues along the way, I don't see the issue. As always I made every attempt to perform to the best of my abilities with this move.
And when I attempt to defend myself, the client decides it is ok to belittle and berate me while using abusive language.
https://imgur.com/a/R0CKewd

Hello! I hope you’re doing well!
Just like everyone else here, I’m looking to meet new people. I’d love to form a long term connection. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that. I miss looking forward to hearing from someone.
I’m 25, female, and live in the US (obviously lol). I have lots of interests. Some are watching sports (football and hockey mostly), being outside, space, history, movies/TV shows (Star Wars, Breaking Bad, Harry Potter, The Twilight Zone, Black Mirror, Shameless), and tons more! I could list everything out, but I’d much rather get to know you through conversation. It feels more genuine that way and less like an interview!
I love meeting new people and getting to know them. I put a lot of effort into the relationships I form. I can be pretty talkative and a glass half full type of person. I’m very lively most of the time lol. I mention this in case it’s not your cup of tea! I have a decent response time, I usually answer pretty quickly. I’m 420 friendly, easygoing (or I think so!), and not easily offended.
As for you, please be 18+ and willing to put some effort into the conversation!
Anyways, I don’t want to make this too long. I really hope I hear from you! And if not, I hope you find what you’re looking for 😊
P.S. I am not cool with voice calls until I’m pretty comfortable with someone. Even then, they aren’t my favorite thing in the world. So please please don’t ask to call me everyday lol I understand if that’s a dealbreaker!

The types of people I'm referring to:

1. People who don't speak English as their first language, depending on their fluency, they get a pass or an inconsequential eyebrow raise.
   
2. People trying to add some form of a dramatic pause or effect to their sentence, quote or phrase.
   

I may be alone in this thought but if I see this online or just in text form, my mind is immediately going to go to "They went out of their way to type out .... To make it more dramatic, haha, what an absolute twoddle".
You deserve to have people cringe away from you.

1. The "older" generation who type something out like "Babie Punter will not be getting my vote....!!!!"

These people are a mix of the shit attempt at creating a dramatic pause and generally bad computer literacy (is that even a term?)
I fucking hate it so much.
"Just don't look at it"
If I see someone calling themself a "bad boy" in a text and then adding 😈 at the end of it, I'm still going to automatically skim over it and cringe anyway.
I am simply airing out my rage, lest it envelop me like the soft bossom of of an aneurysm.

I mean he gets to leave after a home match in a season where we played in Europe thanks to him last season, against the biggest team in the league. Meanwhile:
Potter - left in mid season and took a club legend with him
Hughton - Sacked after making the cup semi but only stayed up by default due to Cardiff being more inept than us. A poor way to go given credible finished in his first two seasons in the Prem that matched Potters with a far weaker squad and got us promoted. Also a lovely bloke.
Hyypia - Ruined a squad that had made successive play offs and nearly got us relegated. Managers either side of him did far better
Garcia - Actually might rival RDZ. Resigned after a dismal play off defeat to Derby County but arguably over performed.
Poyet - sacked after ranting about ceilings after his errors caused us to lose in play offs to our biggest rivals. Under performed and should have won us back to back promotions.
Slade - sacked after keeping us in League 1 but would surely have relegated us had Poyet not come in.
Adams - second spell - sacked after nearly getting us relegated
Wilkins - Cast aside when club legend Adams became available. Got us 7th in League 1 playing a bunch of Sussex lads.
McGhee sacked after being caught drinking pints of whisky getting us relegated from the Championship and a poor start in league 1.
The rest all starts to get a bit more obscure. Hinshlewood (Granddad to Jack) famously lost 10 matches in a row in the Championship. Taylor and Coppell resigned because we were playing at Withdean and Adam's first spell ended cos he was poached by Leicester. Then my memory runs out. But that takes to about 1999. I think there was various managers like Horton and Wood who were muchness muchness in Division 3 survival banter era. Gritt was most notable, kept us up in 1997 famously. Then Case before him. And then um, I'm struggling.
Anyway I've strayed off topic. Point being RDZ has had the most dignified send off of any manager I can remember

Quotes from Sasakis Record of Linji book. Seriously the notes are super thorough. Google it, get a PDF or buy it for 27 bucks on Amazon. Read all of it including the notes.
I'll post the quote, relevant notes, and my thoughts so it has some original content and this isn't just some ctrl c Ctrl p post.

““If you wish to diff er in no way from the patriarch-buddha, just don’t seek outside. “The pure light in a single thought of yours—this is the dharmakāya buddha within your own house. The nondiscriminating light in a single thought of yours—this is the saṃbhogakāya buddha within your own house. The nondifferentiating light in a single thought of yours—this is the nirmāṇakāya buddha within your own house. This threefold body is you, listening to my discourse right now before my very eyes. It is precisely because you don’t run around seeking outside that you have such meritorious activities.

Note
The pure light… within your own house In this passage Linji speaks of the human body as a house that is the dwell- ing place of the trikāya, the threefold body of buddha 三身, which reveals its presence through the three aspects of each instant of human thought. Th e three bodies of the trikāya are:

1. Dharmakāya 法身: the unconditioned, absolute buddha, beyond all form. Th e dharmakāya is buddha viewed as truth itself, and as such is the essence of wis- dom and purity. Linji is referring to this latter attribute when he characterizes the light of the mind in its fi rst manifes- tation as 清淨 (Skr., pariśuddha), that is, pure and free from any defi lement. Th e dharmakāya is symbolically represented by Vairocana Buddha, whose name means “omni- present light,”
   
2. Saṃbhogakāya 報身: the “reward” or “recompense” body. Th is is the body that a buddha receives as a reward for fulfi ll- ing the vows taken during bodhisattva- hood. It is defined under two aspects: as the body received for the buddha’s own enjoyment 自受用身, and as that received for the sake of others 他受用身. In this second aspect the saṃbhogakāya reveals itself to the bodhisattvas, to whom alone it is traditionally said to be visible, in order to enlighten and inspire them. A typical representation of the saṃbhogakāya is Amitābha/Amitāyus Buddha.
   
3. Nirmāṇakāya 化身 or 應身: the body that the buddha assumes when, in human form, he appears in the world for the purpose of bringing enlightenment to others. A typical representation of the nirmāṇakāya is Śākyamuni Buddha.
   

Th e doctrine of the threefold body of bud- dha is confi ned to Mahayana Buddhism, although undoubtedly its origin can be found in ideas that arose in the older Bud- dhist traditions.
Me:
We can see right from the get go, interpreting the trikaya as something outside is the nonzen way of going about it. Trying to understand them apart from ourself is seeking outside. The notes make it clear that no one considered Shakymuni to have more than one body, the "bodies" were represented by other Buddhas, these other Buddhas are from various sutras.

““According to the masters of the sutras and śāstras, the dharmakāya is regarded as basic substance and the saṃbhogakāya and nirmāṇakāya as function. From my point of view the dharmakāya cannot expound the dharma. Th erefore a man of old said, ‘Th e [buddha-]bodies are posited depending upon meaning; the [buddha-]lands are postulated in keep- ing with substance.’ So we clearly know that the dharma-nature body and dharma-nature land are fabricated things, based on dependent understand- ing. Empty fi sts and yellow leaves used to fool a child! Spiked-gorse seeds! Horned water chestnuts! What kind of juice are you looking for in such dried-up bones!

Notes:
According to the masters…. Compare this passage to the words of Linji’s teacher Huangbo in the cf:
A buddha has thre e b o dies. The dharmakāya preaches the dharma of the universal voidness of self-nature; the saṃbhogakāya preaches the dharma of the universal purity of things; the nirmāṇakāya preaches the dharmas of the six pāramitās [see page 211, below] and all other good practices. Th e dharma of the dharmakāya cannot be grasped through words, sounds, forms, or the written word. Th ere is nothing to be said, nothing to be demonstrated; there is nothing other than the universal voidness of self-nature. Th us it is said, “Th ere is nothing to be preached as the dharma; this is called preaching the dharma.” Th e saṃbhogakāya and the nirmāṇakāya both appear in response to particular circumstances, and the dharma they preach corresponds to outer con- ditions and to their listeners’ capacities; in this way they guide sentient beings. None of this is the true dharma. There- fore it is said, “Th e saṃbhogakāya and the nirmāṇakāya are not the true buddha, nor are they the ones who preach the dharma.” (t 48: 382a)
Dependent understanding translates 依通, an unusual term that is not found outside of Chan writings. Japanese com- mentators take it to be an abbreviation of the phrase 依倚通解, “understanding that depends upon something else.” In the section of the gy devoted to Nanquan Puyuan, an exchange between Nanquan and a certain monk is recorded:
Th e monk asked, “Is a student not permit- ted to understand the Way?” Th e master said, “To understand what Way? Also, how understand?” “I don’t know,” the monk said. Th e master said, “Not knowing is all right, but if you take my words you will be called one of dependent understanding.” (x 68: 70a)
Th e wl of Huangbo Xiyun has:
But to one who has seen into his own nature, what place is not his own original nature? Th erefore the six gati (destinies); the four ways of birth; and the mountains, rivers, and great earth, all are the pure and bright substance of our own nature. Therefore it is said, “Seeing form is no other than seeing mind, because form and mind are not diff erent.” One who accepts form and, on this basis, sees, hears, and perceives, and who then tries to see into [nature] by reject- ing things as such—such a one will fall into the ranks of those in the two vehicles [śrāvakas and pratyekabuddhas], whose understanding is dependent 依倚通解. (x 68: 21b)
Empty fi sts and yellow leaves used to fool a child! translates the two expres- sions 空拳黃葉、用誑小兒, metaphors for something that is passed off for what it is not. They are found frequently in the Nirvana Sutra and other scriptures. The Mahā-prajñā-pāramitā Sutra, for example, uses the expression “empty fi st” 空拳 as a metaphor for deceiving others with false views:
It is like deceiving a young lad with an empty fi st. Because he is ignorant he thinks there is something real in it. (t 7: 1104c)
And the Northern Nirvana Sutra uses “yellow leaf ” 黃葉 to indicate expedient teachings:
It is as, when a child cries and wails, its father and mother will pull a yellow leaf from a poplar tree and say, “Don’t cry! Don’t cry! We will give you a piece of gold.” Th e child, on seeing the yellow leaf, imagines it to be pure gold and at once stops crying, though in truth this poplar leaf is not gold. (t 12: 485c)
Dried-up bones translates 枯骨, an expression likely deriving from an alle- gory that is found in texts like the Zhengfa nianchu jing 正法念處經 (Sutra on con- templating the true dharma) and the Da baoji jing, in which a dog licking a dried bone mistakes its own saliva for juice from the bone.
Me: I think it's pretty obvious just from these bits that the three body of Buddha has nothing to do with the man Siddhartha Gautama. We can also see that they are founded in Buddhist Sutras. Most of what Zen masters say is based on their understanding of sutras. These terms were expedients, like literally all of the teachings of Buddha and all the Zen masters. Gold leaves to stop children crying, a phrase which also originated from a sutra

Hello, one and all. Been lurking for a while. Thought I'd share my experience thus far. I'm a 45-year-old female who herniated L4/L5 in early January. I'm, therefore, four months, two weeks post-injury.
It's a mild-ish protrusion pressing on nerves and causing sciatica. I have never had back pain. I'm a Brit. I plan to get over this conservatively and do not intend to have any injections or surgery. Note that I have some trouble lifting my left foot and walking as normal on that side, but everything is functional. I am able to lift my toes and heels, and I have full sensation everywhere.
From my scan, disc height is compromised only a tiny bit (I have juicy discs). I have a very wide and spacious nerve canal. No other issues aside from a transitional disc below (born with more bone than disc at L5/S1, very common, and I'm luckily in the "won't cause pain" camp) and a slight bulging disc above, which isn't pressing on anything. The transitional disc is likely to have led to this injury. But moving house finally pushed me over the edge, lifting things the wrong way.

The first month

The first month was obviously painful. Terrible sleep; sciatica was awful (burning in my left calf and left foot with some right foot tingling), and I was very stiff and leaning forward most mornings. Doing McKenzie cobras in those early days helped massively. And amazingly, I kept up with walking and averaged 15,000 steps daily. It wasn't painful. But I was taking Ibuprofen and paracetamol. I believe a lot of my sciatica has been caused by inflammation.
Back then, I was seeing a physio and doing some basic pelvic tilts, bridges, calf stretches, cat/camels, and – like I mentioned – cobra poses. Otherwise, I would mostly lie on the floor, on my front, resting. Or walking outdoors. It would take me three hours just to pluck up the courage to shower. And I could only stand under the hot water for less than a minute before lying on the floor again. Sitting was impossible. I couldn't use the car. I couldn't sleep on my left side. I would crawl down the stairs each morning after barely any sleep and go straight to the drugs. I couldn't make breakfast or do anything. But as each day wore on, I'd become less stiff and more upright and be able to walk for miles.

In search of a silver bullet

I tried everything in February and March. Acupuncture, physio, McKenzie stuff... They put me on Amitriptyline initially, but I hated it. And so they gave me Gabapentin. This helped with sleep and dialled down the pain significantly (I was on 300mg three times a day). I vaguely remember a crazy day when I walked into my local town, sat, and had cake and tea with an old friend. Still to this day, I can't figure out how! Boy, those drugs worked!
By the end of March, I discovered Egoscue and began posture therapy. I did it religiously for six weeks and even began working with a therapist. But it wasn't helping. And I didn't see any improvements. I also decided to come off the Gabapentin during this time (I would later go back on it, as I was in a lot of pain), as I felt totally off my face and hated it.
Around February, I also discovered Dr Stuart McGill. And read his excellent book, Back Mechanic. I learnt about spine hygiene and loads of other helpful stuff. Gradually, little by little, turning in bed got easier (brace that core) and getting up out of bed and off the toilet became pain-free, too. But I just wasn't seeing massive improvement.

Finding the right approach

That's when I decided to see a Master Clinician under McGill. Wow. It was the best money I had ever spent, and I'd spent more on acupuncture!
He went through my scan, was the only one to tell me about the transitional disc, and asked what I'd been doing thus far. He recommended that I give the posture therapy and the walking a break, just for a few weeks, to see if we could calm the inflammation down. And so I did. I rested. I mostly lay on the floor on my front or back and only moved around the house. No outdoor walking. No McKenzie cobra poses (which I've since discovered do more harm than good long-term and adopt a gentler version McGill recommends and says is just as effective). That was back in early April. And following his advice alone? I saw immediate improvements. In fact, the very next day, I was pain-free for seven hours. I couldn't believe it – just by resting.
I only rested for three weeks, and then I decided to try walking outdoors again. My gosh. The difference after the break! I could barely do ten minutes around the block without pain. It was too much. (I could never walk first thing before either – only later on in the day. But it would usually be fine.) But my back specialist wanted me to try walking three times a day, starting small. So, I persisted. He told me to stop if walking made things worse, though. Thankfully, it's been three weeks since I began walking outdoors again, and I'm making great progress. I can now get up from bed and walk immediately (I had to give it an hour before I ventured out of the house). And I can walk for half an hour, too. Three times a day. I find that a morning walk is crucial. I am stiff and a little sore at first, but it eases. And sets me up for the day. I also enjoy two or three hours of no pain when returning home.

Finally seeing progress

Since early April, the improvements have been gradual but almost daily. They're so small sometimes that you hardly notice them! It's only when you look back that you realise how far you've come!
In the six weeks since I worked with my back specialist, I have seen the constant burning sciatica in my foot and calf mostly disappear. Initially, I had a lot of fuzzing. That has now subsided, and since then, it's gone from fuzzing to cold water feelings and tingling... with occasional burning again (mostly only in the top of my calf), but that goes quickly. Now and again, I'll get a random ten minutes of a burning foot again, but it soon disappears.
A few weeks ago, I started getting new sharp and painful jolts in my left hip. That's apparently blood returning to the nerves. For the last week, I have barely had any foot or calf issues—I mostly have sharp pulling nerve pain on my left kneecap and similar symptoms in my hip. Only in the last month have I occasionally started to get a bruised feeling in my lumbar spine.
The morning stiffness and leaning forward? Gone. I am bolt-upright every morning and feel pretty good, posture-wise. Funny enough, since I quit doing the posture therapy. Go figure!
My glutes are very tight and constantly holding themselves. I'm trying to teach them to relax, but it's tough, as I know they're protecting themselves. I've been using heat to relax them—just a microwaved wheat sack some mornings.
Under a week ago, I came off Gabapentin. And I also quit Ibuprofen about five weeks ago. The only meds I take now are paracetamol – just one dose in the middle of the night to calm my (good) right hip that gets sore from only sleeping on that side.

How far I've come

Here I am, four months and two weeks post-injury. I still can't sit on a soft surface (I use a special sciatica cushion on a dining chair), I can't sit in a vehicle for the same reason, I can't sleep on my left side, and I still have some mild foot drop but am walking better.
On a positive note, the pain symptoms are changing daily, which is apparently a good sign. I am starting to feel some back pain for the first time, too. Centralisation is perhaps occurring. Instead of lying on the floor for several hours before breakfast, I now find better relief in standing and moving around. I can also sit for short spurts on my dining chair first thing in the morning, whereas before, I'd only be able to do that from midday.
I'm sleeping better. Six or seven hours a night. It's a tad broken, but I feel rested. And when I get up in the morning? Whereas before, my left leg and foot would go crazy with fuzzing and burning, now? Nothing. A mild tingling some mornings, but otherwise, fine.
I spend more of my days moving around, standing, walking, and occasionally sitting than "resetting" on the floor. And when I do feel sciatica getting worse, a brief rest on the floor makes the pain go away. It's never 100 per cent pain-free, you understand. It's mildly uncomfortable and feels like it could get worse at any moment, but I'm good.
And I'm finding that if I overdo it, any flare-up I might have is brief and easily overcome. Whereas before, it might've been five days to recover, now it's an hour resting on the floor.
If I stand at my standing desk for too long, my lumbar ache begins. It's not painful. It just feels weird—bruised, almost unstable, like I can feel it stacked. I lie down, reset, and then I'm good to go.

What has really helped

I now know what to do to avoid triggering pain. I can tie my shoes with my foot on a bench and lunge in. I have a shoe horn – a game-changer! I also use a strapped-on ice pack when I need to calm my nerves. Less so these days. And heat on my ass when the glutes feel too tight. I only take paracetamol in the middle of the night to help me sleep. Oh, and I find going to bed with an ice pack on sometimes really helps!
The meds definitely helped in those painful early days; but I need feedback. Once I felt I could, I stopped taking everything.
During this time, I also hired a cleaner (fortnightly) and a gardener. I've not stopped working (I have no choice; I am a freelancer). And I have no kids. So I don't have to commute anywhere. I stay at home and rest, and the only time I leave the house is to walk. I also invested in a new mattress, a game changer (John Ryan Artisan Luxury, if anyone wants to know). I am very lucky in all of these respects, I know.
The walking really helps – but it was only when I stopped, rested, and allowed by body to heal that I noticed a difference in my symptoms.

Not out the woods yet...

Pain is still an issue. Evenings are the worst. I go to bed around 9pm and lying there brings relief and I have no issue going to sleep. I only wake after about three or four hours due to sleeping on the same side every night. And then easily fall back to sleep, with only a few brief waking moments. I roughly get around six or seven hours a night. And thankfully, sciatica isn't really present at night (maybe a little harmless fuzzing). Just the evenings before bed – that's when it can get intense and the burning in my calf and foot can come back tenfold. Sigh.
Mornings are my best friend now. Pain doesn't usually become an issue until much later in the day. I'll have little episodes. But I can swiftly reset myself and move on. It can get harder to reset the later in the day it becomes, too. Some days are worse than others. The good days are starting to outweigh the bad. When I have an awful day, I do feel disheartened. But then I remember how far I've come, and try and stay strong.
I don't always do my three walks, either. If that evening walk doesn't feel right, I won't do it. I'll rest. I'll ice my back and lie down. I absolutely am trying to avoid drugs. But I have ibuprofen in my cupboard, just in case!

What's next?

I'm nowhere near ready to begin strength training. And I've avoided all physio and stretching of late. I am just doing what my back specialist recommends. Some mild cat/camels to get the blood flowing, walking, resting. I take magnesium, turmeric, vitamins D and B12, omega-3. I try to avoid sugar and alcohol (I don't always succeed on that one). I'm not ready for longer walks yet. And there's no way I could take a bath, sit up in bed, or sit on the sofa.
But I am healing. This has been quite the journey, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm excited for the next phase of recovery: rehab! And boy, will I be taking it seriously—for the rest of my life! It's down to us, after all. No one can do it for us.
There are some big life events coming up that I know I'm not ready for. When they get closer, if I'm still not better, I will call my GP and ask for advice. Ibuprofen might be brought out again. Perhaps even something stronger. But if I'm one of the lucky ones, I should be seeing further progress in the coming weeks and months.
I rate my ability to function normally when I can sleep on my left side again, drive my car and when I can sit on the sofa, too! I won't mind if there is some residual pain and weakness. As long as I can function without having the crux of a floor and yoga mat nearby.
I am more than happy to answer any questions. I hope this has helped someone. It's certainly helped me to get it all on screen. And I wanted to thank this community for all I've learned this year. I hope you're not in too much pain.

🪞
Welcome back to the Asylum write-up, where we explore the decade-long slow-motion car crash that is the Emilie Autumn fandom.
Sorry this installment took so long to upload! Just a heads-up, I may take some time to deliver the last one too – these posts take forever to format on Reddit's finicky-ass editor, and my dumb real life is currently keeping me from precious Internet time. Thank you for your patience! You have my word that everyone who pre-ordered the final installment will receive a PERSONAL, HANDWRITTEN letter autographed and illustrated by me, a list of the snacks I consumed while composing this write-up, some exclusive behind-the-scenes secrets, and a pony.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4.1 – Part 4.2 Part 5

Places, everyone This is a test Throw your stones Do your damage Your worst, and your best (...) And if I had a dollar For every time I repented the sin And commit the same crime I'd be sitting on top of the world today (“God Help Me”, 2006🎵)

Quick recap of where we left off. First, there were five to ten halcyon years of pleasant and meaningful interactions between EA and her blossoming fanbase, prominently by way of her official forum. Then, circa 2009-2010, EA's online presence shifted towards sudden anger outbursts, ban-hammering, and an increasingly top-down communication style.
This created a sort of primordial rift within the fanbase, between those who supported EA's right to speak her mind and regulate her own fan spaces however she pleased – and those who thought that her reactions were rude and inappropriate (at best), and that even fan spaces should allow for reasonable, non-abusive criticism of the artist.
Between a poorly-handled book release (see Part 3), the controversial (Part 2) or dubiously true (Part 4) contents of said book, and serious shade from various former collaborators (Part 5), more and more fans had pressing thoughts about EA's work ethic and choices. EA attempted damage control through drastic forum rules that made it virtually impossible to voice any “serious” critical opinion. It didn't work, of course: instead of squashing the mutiny, she created a schism.
Critical fans and active haters started congregating on unofficial platforms.

“WITH MUFFINS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?”: TROLL LIKE A GIRL

So here we were, the early 2010s. The official forum (which had about 700 members in 2006, if you recall) was now thousands-strong, reaching just over 12,000 registered users in 2012 – not all of them active, but still. In terms of sheer numbers and content creation, the party was POPPIN'... but increasingly in parts of the Asylum that escaped EA's jurisdiction, such as Tumblr, where they could speak their mind freely.

You play the victim very well You've built your self-indulgent hell You wanted someone to understand you Well, be careful what you wish for, because I do (“I Know Where You Sleep”, 2006🎵)

In one wing of Asylum Tumblr, a smattering of call-out blogs emerged, which laid out EA's various lies, faux pas, shitty takes, and general deep-seated terribleness in detailed timelines and screenshots (or, short of that, long-winded bullet points). While many such blogs framed it as “serious” whistleblowing and did their best to remain as fact-based and neutral as they could, there was some genuine disgust, animosity and creepiness towards EA on that side of Tumblr; for some ex-fans, “exposing the truth” was mostly justify obsessive hatred, prying and verbal abuse. Some, for instance, felt the bizarre need to side with EA's mother in their estrangement. (One user, with the URL “emilyautumnfischkopf”, argued in a serious and down-to-earth tone - but with zero sources - that EA's upbringing had been nothing but peaceful and supportive until she ungratefully kicked her loving family to the curb for no reason at all. They were later revealed 🔍 to have an alternate handle as “eaisalyingcunt”.)
Either way, through these blogs, a number of potential drama bombs that had mostly flown under the radar were dredged up from over the years – some of which were hard to ignore, even for supportive fans. Where to begin?
There was that nonsense in-joke song, captured twice on camera during the 2009 tour (to very little outrage, at the time), crassly called “Manatee Retard”📺. Or EA's scathing response, in print, to a wheelchair user who found it insensitive that she used a bedazzled wheelchair as a prop to do sexy acrobatics on stage. (“Your offence taken at my hard-won self-acceptance proves that I indeed have something to fight against”, she wrote). Spoken word tracks where she made trivializing knock-knock jokes about serious mental illnesses she didn't have, like schizophrenia and OCD. Multiple instances of calling Britney Spears a “bimbo” and a “Hollywood fucked-up”, resentfully claiming that she only shaved her head because she was “hopped up on drugs” and certainly not because she was “bipolar”, a word the press liked to wield as an insult anyway. (“That's almost like calling someone a retard!” Yeah, heaven forbid.) The meanest, most distasteful paragraphs in the book. Basically everything problematic EA had ever said or written.📝 In retrospect, it had been a long time coming, but it was a lot to take in – and certainly more off-putting, even to less emotionally invested fans, than silly lies about her age and last name.
In another wing of Asylum Tumblr, some fans had had it up to here and just wanted to have fun. 🎵 If Plague Rats had learned one valuable lesson from EA, it was how to crack a joke in the face of absurd tragedy – and the general state of the EA fandom certainly warranted a few.
In 2012, Fight Like a Girl was released. After six long years, three of which had been peaceful, the Opheliac era was officially over. The new album and ensuing tour confirmed that the Asylum had entered a process of glamorous Broadway-style militarization. 🎵📺
The mood board was “Roman general meets Vegas showgirl meets Victorian street urchin”.🪞 The color palette was, to naysayers, “musty pink and rotten, stale piss yellow”. 🐀 The keyword was “REVENGE” (through the power of... self-expression! sorority! brutal assault with rusty medical implements!). The chorus of the title song had an intriguing run-on line about getting “revenge on the world, or at least 49% of the people in it” 🎵 – which seemed like an awful lot, and was widely interpreted (to cheers, boos, or uncomfortable sighs) as a misandrist jab at literally all men on Earth.
The show was essentially a demo version of the musical, in that the setlist vaguely reflected the order of events in the story – but prior reading was essential in order to get what the hell was going on on stage. This one Broadway reviewer had not perused the literature before seeing the show 🔍, and hated: the set, the choreography, the skits, the plot, the lyrics, the music, the concept. (Seriously, you should read the review. It's not even my show and I feel like quitting show business.)
Pre-show VIP encounters, now violin-free, were lorded over by EA's new manager🐀, whose official title was “Asylum Headmistress”. (Interesting choice – she sounds fun!) The swag bags were less substantial than before, and the “greet” part of the meet-and-greet was rarely more than a quick hug and photo op.
On Twitter, EA continued to embrace her “I am very badass” fronting attitude...

Often wonder if cyberbullies r aware they’re fucking w/ a girl who’s BFs w/ maker of the SAW films & is marrying a knife-throwing scorpion. (🐀📝)

...and her taste for needlessly inflammatory statements. About an aisle sign in a supermarket:

If this does not infuriate you, then you're a fucking potato.

(Again with the confounding crypto-ableism, EA! 🔍) She also went through a phase of raging against Lady Gaga 📝, who had stolen her idea of using a wheelchair on stage as an able-bodied woman. 🔍 That failed to convince anyone that she wasn't the histrionic diva that haters made her out to be.
Spurred on by EA's rallying cries and “us vs them” mentality, loyalists turned the white-knighting up to 11. On Twitter, some Plague Rats got into cat fights with Lady Gaga's Little Monsters (what a time to be alive). Others tried to balance out the Tumblr negativity with initiatives like “Spreading a Plague of Love” – a “positive-only” confession blog, whose extreme fangirling, comically drastic rules and hyper-defensive tone📝 did not debunk the increasingly popular notion that “true Plague Rats” were a bunch of authoritarian and hopelessly brainwashed fanatics.
EA truthers and other anti-fans started lashing out at anyone who dared express any positive opinion of EA, solidifying claims that the backlash against EA was just a conspiracy of bitter, hysterical bullies.
All this to say: every passing day brought new reasons for fans to get mad at EA and each other, and everyone in the Asylum was in need of a laugh. It's not easy having a good time.🦠
Leading up to Fight Like a Girl and in the years that followed, user-submission-based meme blogs took off, most notably “Spreading a Plague of Lulz / Troll Like a Girl”. A lot of the early submissions were absurdist humor and toothless, cheezburger-Impact memes (a style that was, oddly, already dated at the time). Those often originated in good fun, and from loyal fans, on the official forum. But there was also true snark, satirizing EA's questionable ethics, outrageous claims, and easily spoofed artistic gimmicks. A new slang of Asylumspeak emerged: Glittertits (slight NSFW), GAGA!!, EA Gusta and all its memeface variants, Get outta mah house!, Are You Suffering?, Fight Like A Goat, [Random celebrity] copied EA (a subgenre in its own right), ...
Most of the “trolling” was directed at unrepentant bootlickers and, to a lesser extent, red-in-the-face haters and creeps. Meme blogs would post joke comments under “serious” or gushing submissions on Wayward Victorian Confessions, and taunt loyalist accounts by tagging them in their posts. When a few people complained on WVC that almost all of the Bloody Crumpets to date had been thin white able-bodied women, and a few fans responded by sharing their dream-casts for a more diverse line-up, the blog was flooded for days with confessions that “X should be a Crumpet” (candidates included RuPaul, Mitt Romney, Nicki Minaj, EA's therapist, and the WVC admins). Farcical shenanigans like that.
Ah, but some people will always cross the line, won't they. EA threads popped up on merciless, bully-friendly snark platforms like Lolcow, Pretty Ugly Little Liar, and Encyclopedia Dramatica. Snarkers with a mean streak and obsessive haters mingled in some of the more aggressive, 4-chan-spirited retaliation against EA – which would be called “brigading” in modern parlance. This included flooding EA's Goodreads page with one-star reviews (see part 4), repeatedly editing her Wikipedia page to include her legal name and birth year, and ensuring that Googling said name would bring up current pictures of her.
All of this compounded agitation fragmented the once-united fandom beyond recognition.🦠 Through substantial disagreements among fans, personal bickerings, layers upon layers of inscrutable in-jokes, and cross-platform telephone games, the Asylum morphed into a booby-trapped Escher room.
Satire blogs were taken in earnest. Earnest fan blogs scanned as satire. Memes would get called out as abuse. Appreciation without attached criticism would get mocked as bootlicking. Obvious jokes made by EA would be taken at face value. One divisive confession could trigger days and days of debate, to the point that WVC eventually banned confessions in response to other confessions. New waves of infighting created a confusing web of rival sub-factions🐀, each accusing the others of being toxic, cliquish, and delusional.
The shared fantasy was broken, the collective vision had crumbled, no onez was speaking the same language anymore. Fans would jump down the throat of other fans who held almost identical views about EA, except for that one thing she said or did that one time. Everyone had differing thoughts on what should or shouldn't acceptable to discuss, question, excuse, make fun of.
War is hell.

SCORCHED EARTH SHENANIGANS: HONEY, I SHRUNK THE ASYLUM

Would you tear my castle down Stone by stone And let the wind run through my windows Till there was nothing left But a battered rose? (“Castle Down”, 2003🎵)

Haters vs sycophants is not really the kind of conflict where one side can come out on top (if you're participating, you've already lost). But in the long tug-of-war between “grassroots” and “EA-sponsored” fan spaces, the ultimate winner is obvious – in that the former is gasping in agony, a shriveled husk of its former glory, while the latter... is non-existent. This is due in no small part to EA's tendency, like the Czars of old, to settle conflicts by setting Moscow on fire.🔍)
That's not entirely fair: unlike EA, the czar only did it that once.
By early 2013, as EA was gearing up for her third Fight Like a Girl tour at the end of the year, the official forum was... not as lively as it once had been. Not just because of the stifling rules and disgruntlement towards EA, or because EA herself hadn't really posted anything on there in years; the Internet was also changing, and forums in general were fast becoming passé.
This made it difficult for EA to create a safe space where she could talk to fans, and fans could talk to and about her, in a way she deemed suitable (ie, a space she could gate-keep and regulate enough to keep it completely free from negative criticism). Social media was a minefield; she still posted regularly, but didn't interact very much. So EA and the Headmistress came up with a way to filter out the unbelievers: an official fan club📝, aptly called the “Asylum Army”, with a $100 entry price.
Joining the AA came with a dog tag, a sew-on patch, and a lifetime membership certificate signed by EA and – for some reason – the Headmistress. (Unlike EA's best friend and sound engineer back in the forum's heyday, I don't think fans ever really embraced the FLAG-era manager as part of the Asylum in-group. She came across more as a coordinator / businessperson / adult chaperone, at best.🐀) So, slightly better goodies than you'd get by joining the other AA 🔍 ... but not by much. The main appeal was that members would have access to exclusive content, special merch, giveaways, early bird tickets for future shows, and regular video chats with EA.
The concept itself drew a fair amount of criticism, as you can imagine. Between the name🐀, the price, and the inherent gatekeeping of a pay-to-join fanclub, many balked at the monetizing of a concept that had once (like, three years back) been significantly more DIY, grassroots, and inclusive. 📝🐀
Then again, many also longed for a positive, drama-free space where fans could just be fans. And while the creation of the AA was generally recognized as a quick cashgrab, a lot of people were surprisingly cool with it. EA was trying to finance her dream musical, after all – although a number of fans wished she had gone about raising funds in a less sketchy way.
So around 400 fans shelled out (which, according to the Headmistress📝, “basically cover[ed] the cost of running the fanclub itself – keeping the database up, website, etc.”). Enough for a close-knit, but sizable community. But already, there was a conflict of interest: a high fanclub entry fee essentially demands that you pledge loyalty to the artist over loyalty to your fellow fans, who wish to join but can't afford to. Sharing, caring, and ensuring no one felt left out were some of the more positive values cultivated in the fandom... but leaking exclusive content would surely piss off other paying members🐀, and make EA feel betrayed all over again. (And she had barely just started to mellow out on social media!)
...But then again, this is the internet. After the first month of secret AA drops (lyric sheets, some photoshoot outtakes – nothing too juicy, really), there were, yes, some leaks. EA was predictably miffed, and retaliated by... ghosting the fanclub for weeks at a time in its first few months of existence (great look!). She eventually found the “solution” to her problem, by providing something you couldn't right-click-save (and which had been part of the promised perks to begin with): live interaction.
Over webcam, she was her usual in-person bubbly, charming, funny self. Everyone seemingly had a good time during the fanclub video chat, and this gave people faith and hope.
There were a few more events, giveaways, etc. As promised, ahead of the fall 2013 tour (the last one to date, it would turn out), AA members got priority access to show tickets and VIP bundles. The latter were much pricier than before, and only included soundcheck, a photo-op, and three goodies: a tin of loose-leaf tea, a signed printer-paper setlist, and a small flag that said “F.L.A.G.”.🔍 Some stuff continued to leak – but, as some of the outlaws pointed out (scroll down to the Disqus comments), they were mostly relaying information that was relevant to the entire fanbase, such as updates about ongoing projects (the dragged-out recording of the audiobook, for one).
In early 2014, lifetime memberships were closed, and replaced with monthly, quarterly and yearly subscription tiers. Bizarrely, you ended up paying $3 more per month if you bought a $99 yearly subscription📝 – but it did include the patch, dog tag, and piece of paper!

Sometimes I kind of want to be part of the cool kids and register to the Asylum Army. Then I remember how it came about, what you could get for the same price a couple years ago, how the whole thing was and is handled, and that I won’t support any of this bullshit. (And then I roll around naked in all the money I’m saving.) (🐀)

Still, a number of fans rejoiced at the affordable monthly option, and joined – if not for the exclusive content and merch (which were... okay, but not much to write home about), then for the friendly, drama-free exchanges with an artist they actually did love, in spite of all the frustration.
For the still-too-poor or still-undecided, there was always the forum! It wasn't as active as it used to be, but a few die-hards still managed to keep the lights on... until, inevitably, Someone Did Something and Ruined Everything. (Once again: EA's wrath is spectacular, but rarely completely unprovoked.) The incident features one notable figure in the Asylum community. Let's call him the Collector.
OK, so maybe you remember the meme I linked to in Part 4, with Christian Grey and the ginormous EA hoard. Well, that's the Collector's collection. The “Violin” promo that I called the "Holy Grail of the fandom" in the same paragraph? Also his. The handwritten lyrics that went for $940? Guess who won that auction. Over the years, the Collector had probably spent five figures on EA merch and shows, and although that fact was a little unsettling, he was a very active, easy-going, and generally well-liked fixture of the fandom.
One day in 2012, shortly after the Headmistress had replaced EA's old Chicago BFF as main forum admin, the Collector's account got banned or restricted over something dumb. When the ban wasn't lifted as quickly as he hoped, he took it... the way one takes things when one is unhealthily invested: he started spamming Headmistress and the mod team with increasingly rambling and abusive emails (lost to time, probably for the best). When that didn't work quickly enough, he tried a different route.
One of the many auctions that the Collector had won, some years prior, was EA's old iPod Touch📝 – which contained all of her favorite tunes and, buried somewhere in the data cache... a phone number. Which the Collector tried calling. And wouldn't you know it: EA picked up. She congratulated him on his sleuthing skills, listened patiently as he made his case, apologized for any distress caused by the unfair account restriction, and then they got married.
Kidding! She freaked the fuck out, hung up, and banned him for life from the forum and all EA shows and events.
After his ban, the Collector allegedly still tried to attend at least one VIP pre-show (one source in the comments says he was allowed to buy some merch, refunded for his ticket, and escorted out). He joined the Reform forum to bitch about EA and try to rally people to his cause, possibly made revenge posts about her on darker snark forums, and continued to hound the Asylum mod team. So in June 2014, EA came up with a radical and unexpected fix to the Collector problem.

The official Asylum Fan Forum has been shut down permanently. I have personally paid thousands of dollars each year to keep the forum safe and secure for you ... Unfortunately, the forum has not been kept safe and secure for me, a truth which disappoints me greatly, instead becoming a place where people who have physically threatened myself and my staff prey upon forum members, pressuring them to contact me and my staff on their behalf. If the gullible wish to humor my stalkers (who live in their parent’s basement at age 30 something) and thus put me in danger, they may do it on their own dime. They may also fuck off, because stupidity can kill, and I won’t be your victim. To those who enjoyed the forum, you know who to thank for its closure. (“On the closing of the Asylum Forum”)

Voilà! This is how a decade-long archive of shared history ends: not with a bang, but with a dirty delete and a sod-off communiqué.
The obliteration of the forum took everyone by surprise...

I was actually on the forum when it was taken down. I was navigating between posts and when I went to click on a different board, an error message came up. I honestly cried a little, I'm not ashamed to say. (WVC admin on Reddit, 2024)

...and I do mean everyone:

Chicago BFF / ex-admin, the next morning: Whoa, EA forum shut down? Ex-mod: It turns out that if someone spends enough years actively “waging war” to destroy what they can’t have, eventually they’ll be successful. * eye roll * Not even mods got prior warning. Just all the sudden, poof, gone. BFF: Really? She did not let the moderators know?! This is sounding worse and worse. Uggh. I’m so sorry. Such a loss. (...) Ok, threats are serious, but why not just put it in archive mode so no one can post? (...) Sad. I shall light a candle in the forum's honor. (Facebook posts; scroll down for screenshots)

It was a gut punch, especially for people who had poured countless hours into the community, or could have used some prior warning to save years of their own writing from the role-playing threads. One last chance to take a look around the place that had meant so much to so many.

From the wording of the announcement of closing the forum and a number of other things, it sometimes seems like EA doesn't like her fans much. :/ (🐀)

Three months after the forum was nuked, Battered Rose (a venerable EA fansite, which had been around since the Enchant era and had one of the most complete EA galleries online) announced that it was shutting down too.📝 The admin, who had also been a long-time forum mod, cited a lack of “time, energy, passion, or money” to keep the website going... and being upset at the sudden disappearance of the forum. It was, truly, the end of an era for the Asylum.
...Well, no point in living in the past. For those who could afford it, and still wanted to talk to/about EA after that (not everyone did 🐀), there was always the Asylum Army fanclub!
Over the summer of 2014, EA held regular live chats and Q&A's, and... many attendees really enjoyed them, and thought the AA was well worth the money after all. She also quietly parted ways with the much poo-pooed Headmistress around that time.

Just spent over 4 hours giggling, drinking tea and playing guessing games in chat with EA and other Asylum Army members ... No griping, no downers, just lots of fun. I think I like the way the ‘new fandom’ is going and now I’m really glad I finally decided to join the Army. (September 4, 2014🐀; Battered Rose had closed the day before)

The forum was lost forever, but perhaps that was a chance for a fresh start. Could this fanclub thing really be the Asylum Renaissance that fans had been longing for?

...I have come today to a very difficult but necessary decision, and that is to discontinue the Emilie Autumn Official Fanclub. The site itself, and the community chatroom, will remain open to you indefinitely, but I will no longer be making updates to the site. (Newsletter, September 8, 2014📝)

...Never mind, then.
Turns out the fanclub had been the Headmistress' idea all along. EA had been reluctant from the start, and although she really enjoyed the live chats with a safe community of people “who are there for the right reasons”, she couldn't overcome her fundamental discomfort with the concept. Lifetime and regular members would receive a bunch of digital downloads and a -35% coupon on the Asylum Emporium for their troubles. EA said she would definitely pop back once in a while for live chats, for free, just for fun, but to my knowledge, she never did.
And so the most devoted fans were left standing in the rain...

She is happy, she made it. She is fulfilling her dreams, found love and happiness after all the pain. I understand that she now doesn’t need “us” anymore ... That doesn’t change the fact she broke my heart with taking the Asylum Army and the forum from me. Yet, I am happy for her. (🐀)

...while naysayers pointed and laughed, Nelson-style.🦠

I don’t feel sorry at all for the people that paid for the Asylum Army fan club. Most of them knew that EA is an atrocious business woman and has broken many promises before. In fact, I laugh at them. They seriously thought that EA would actually stay consistent with this? (🐀)

EVERYTHING MUST GO: THE ASYLUM WHOLESALE

EA fans were left without an “official” home for about three years. This gave them plenty of time to be annoyed at EA for: not releasing the audiobook on time, not materializing any new project for a while... and the new sin of peddling random, ridiculously marked-up AliBaba jewelry as “merch” on her official store. Think faux-antique cameo pendants and $30 Big Ben rings (...because the Asylum story is set in London, get it?).

The whole accessories section looks like a tacky overpriced English souvenir shop. (🐀)

The fanbase lost a lost of steam in those in-between years, because there wasn't much to stick around for. As evidenced by the positive reception of the AA live chats, even in the midst of unresolved drama, out-loud interactions in a friendly environment have always been EA's saving grace. Considering the amount of online hate, there are shockingly few accounts of bad IRL encounters with EA: most people say that in live conversation, she comes across as a fun, warm, and genuinely sweet person. Some report that their negative opinion shifted after meeting her.
But there were no chats or live shows anymore. There was only social media, where she ignored questions and vague-posted about overdue projects – and the newsletter📝, which was all saccharine love-bombing to promote bland dropshipped trinkets. For fans who remembered the handcrafted merch (and two-way communication) of the early years, it was a bitter pill to swallow.

CONTINUED IN COMMENTS

​

Hi! 👋
I need help and I also wanted to share a story or two, if that’s ok. So this is LOOONG. Please forgive any mistakes or wrong words
I’ve put the questions up top so feel free to ignore the rest. I just wanted to tell people about her.
Thank you so much in advance!
TL;DR
Part one: My beloved 98-yo Catholic grandmother in Sweden is dying, no other family member is Catholic. We don’t know what we need to do now before and after her passing.
Part two: Gran’s story and the Cardinal who Didn’t Forget.
——-
Part one
My Grandma is 98 and nearing the very end. She is a devout Catholic who converted in her 60s. No one else in the family is Catholic and there are very few Catholics in Sweden overall.
Her faith is incredibly important to her and I want to make sure she leaves the world properly from a religious standpoint.
Only I don’t know anything about it and I don’t know who to ask.
I would be so grateful for any guidance.
Questions:
1. Are there things we need to do for her from a religious perspective when the end comes? Last rituals?
Any special handling of the body?
Should we call a priest but who?

2. Swedish funerals usually don’t take place in three or four weeks after death. Is that okay?

3. Her service will be held in a Protestant church with a Protestant priest and buried in the family plot that’s there.
She has okayed this. She originally wanted to Catholic service in this particular church but it’s not allowed.
Are there any things (prayers, rituals etc) we can include to honor her faith?

4. Do I need to notify her local church? She is a member of the Secular Carmelites as well.

5a. Obituaries work a little differently in Sweden but I figured I’d ask. It’s common to include a little picture or symbol in them, everything from roses to sports team logos (yes, truly! 😂)
Most of the Catholic obituaries I see simply have a cross and . Is that the proper way to do it?

5b. Most obituaries include a quote.
Would this be appropriate?
”I am going towards you whom I have always sought, loved and always desired.”

It may sound odd I watched Sister Claire Crockett’s final vows and heard it and just knew instantly it should be in Gran’s obituary.
I haven’t been able to trace the source though.
THANK YOU! If you made it this far! —————————
Gran and the Cardinal
Now it’s story time!
Gran converted in her 60s “after a lifetime of searching” and was an eager theological correspondent.
She is a passionate fan of St John of the Cross and mysticism in general and is a member of the Secular Carmelites.
My Gran is Dutch, spent her first decade in Indonesia before coming back to Holland just in time for the German occupation.
She grew up Protestant but the war planted a seed in her mind and she set out to discover the spiritual world and learning as much as possible about every religion she could find, Taoism, Shinto, Hindu gurus, the works.
—
I asked her once what made her choose Catholicism in the end. She said that she had seen a small bookstore that interested her and unbeknownst was in a small, nondescript church.
Gran said she went in through the door and felt a “flash” or a rush or something she couldn’t quite describe and just knew. She spoke to a priest that very same day.
—-
Gran never quite lost hope that one of her children or grandchildren would convert (I was her best candidate but that has not happened. 😅)
—-
My grandmother had to stop going to Church maybe 10–15 years ago since hearing is so bad and it still grieves her.
She misses the community of the church, theological discourse, the connections she has made over the years. She felt lonely.
—
I don’t know how much the “regular Catholic” knows about different cardinals but we actually got a Swedish one, Anders Arborelius, a few years ago.
Gran knows him through the Carmelites and she has corresponded quite extensively with ”Bishop Anders”.
On one bleak day when Gran felt so along in the world, I tried to think of ways to cheer her up.
I did some googling and found an email address to the Cardinal himself and also to his secretary.
—
I wrote a long email asking of “Bishop Anders” would be willing to send her a card to remind her the church hasn’t forgotten her.
I didn’t expect an answer but later that same night, his secretary responded and it turned out she used to know my gran quite well.
The Cardinal was in Rome, she said, but he would probably look at the email when he got back.
That night (say 2AM), I got a response from the Cardinal about how well he remembers my Gran, and how much he likes and appreciates her.
A few day later, a lovely little letter with encouraging words and a blessing arrived in the mail.
One funny thing though! He had absolutely dreadful handwriting, so bad we actually send around a picture of it to family members asking them if they could decode it. 😂😂😂

TLDR: My boyfriend is amazing, but has depression which makes him constantly upset and irritated with me, making me extremely paranoid and on edge with everything I say because i’m scared he’ll get upset. He keeps saying he’d change, but goes back to how he was, but he is now seemingly making more of an effort to change by changing his medication and going to therapy. I still feel very paranoid and anxious with him even though he is doing better, but i’m worried that in the process of him getting fully better, he’ll go back to how he was, and I don’t know how much more of it I can take. He is an amazing man and I love him so much, but I’m worried I will always feel on edge when I’m with him. Any advice?
Hi! A little backstory, my boyfriend (19M) suffers from depression, and has always taken medication for it since he was younger. Right before we met, he had taken a gap year to focus on his mental health, and got to a point where he went off his medication because he didn’t like how it made him feel (zombie-like). We first met (we technically already knew each other but that’s besides the point)around 4-5 months before he would’ve started college again, and got together around 2 months into being friends. As school came around, he became really scared that he would have to take another gap semesteyear, because even though getting off his medication helped to an extent, he was still struggling with dealing with his mental health. At the same time, he was worried about getting on medication because he told me that he experiences and adjustment period for the first 6 weeks that causes him to become irritable and agitated very easily and have increased suicidal ideation, but even after the adjustment period, irritability would still be a side effect that he had to deal with and manage.
Eventually, when school started, his mental health did become worse, so he decided to get on medication again, and he did go through an adjustment period. It was a struggle- it was hard seeing him very sad and depressed all the time, and I always tried to help him as best as I could- offering to help him get ready in the morning/drive him to school if he couldn’t get out of bed, helping him with assignments, etc.
At the same time, he definitely became constantly agitated with me. If I didn’t hear him say something and asked him to repeat it (although this was also an issue before he started the medication, but i feel like it got more pronounced), he would basically get very clearly annoyed and quiet, barely talking to me or shutting me down with one word responses. If i didn’t text him for a couple of hours (i have adhd and will sometimes forget to text, which i know is reasonable to be upset about, but he would also do the same thing when playing games with friends), or talked just a bit too much (another adhd symptom, which again i understand can get annoying because i can sometimes go on for VERY long), or if i forget something (an item, memory, or something he told me before), or if we have a recurring joke but for some reason just didn’t like it that day, or if i called him on the phone unprompted (which he does to me too, so i didn’t know that was something i couldn’t do) or if i just say any normal thing but for some reason he just didn’t like it that day, i would be met with irritation, passive aggressiveness, and the silent treatment. I would’ve been slightly more okay with it if it was just a few minutes and then he was back to normal, but he would continue like this for HOURS. If we started talking in the evening, and i said something that slightly annoyed him, it was basically a guarantee that he would be essentially silent for the rest of the night. Not only that, but this happened almost every single day.
I’d like to note that he never expressed his irritation in an angry way, or yelled/said harmful things about me/did anything physical, he would just become very quiet, and anything he did say was very clearly in an irritated voice, as well as passive aggressive remarks.
Eventually, I talked about this with him. When i did, i basically completely forgot that his medication was a reason for a lot of what was happening, so when i talked to him about it, I didn’t mention medication at all. He told me that his medication caused a lot of his agitation and at first accused me of not believing that his medication caused side effects/not taking them seriously, but eventually apologized and said that it wasn’t an excuse and that he’d do better, but also said that sometimes i misinterpreted him as upset when he really wasn’t (which tbh i don’t believe, because sometimes if i pointed something out that he did, he’d say he wasn’t upset or annoyed at all, but a day or two later, tell me he was irritated with me).
He did do better for a bit, but after around a month it basically went to the same way it was before. This went on for a few months, I continued to have conversations with him, he continued to tell me he’d do better, and he would be a bit until he wasn’t. To be fair, after the 6 week adjustment period was over, he still was not doing well at all for about another month, and so he increased his medication dose, which made him have another adjustment period, and he did tell me that his biggest concern was how he’d treat me during that time, so I decided to keep being patient until he got his medication under control.
Fast forward a couple of months, and I was seeing improvements- until about 2 months ago. We saw each other a lot more often; before this time, we’d usually see each other 1-2 times a week and we’d have some sleepovers, but in those two months, i’d stay over at his house for 3-5 days a week. During this time, his irritation got way worse. He definitely valued his independence, but would continuously ask me to stay over, it wasn’t like I urged him to let me stay over. Here are some examples of things that happened:

1. before i came over, he told me how he didn’t want to think about making food because he was stressed over schoolwork. I asked him if I could make him something, he told me yes, so I made pizza while he showered. I’ve made pizza several times before, he made it once with me(also, i’ve cooked for years while he only started occasionally baking things when we got together since i liked to cook/bake), and when he came down, he saw the pizza dough was slightly stickier than it looked when he made it with me. He got annoyed and kept asking what I did wrong, and that from now on, i should only cook when he was with me to make sure I don’t mess it up, and then basically became extremely quiet for the next 15-30 minutes. I think he realized he sounded super weird saying this, and tried to turn it into a joke after those 30 minuted, but it made me feel really bad in the moment becsude I only wanted to do something nice for him. By the way, the pizza turned out great- my friend came over to eat with us and told us it was one of the best pizzas she’s ever had.
   
2. These next few are connected: The next day, he was at school, and I happened to not have school that day so I stayed at his house while he was there to rest because I had a really bad headache. Again, the past few days he told me how stressed he was about school, so I wanted to surprise him. I cleaned his room, made pizza sauce for pizza since we had extra dough (he really likes the pizza), and made him cookies because he told me he was craving them a few days before. He took an uber to school (he couldn’t drive yet at this point), and so I also offered to pick him up.
   

* The first thing that happened was he has a mildly confusing alarm system I had to disable before going outside to get to the car. If i didn’t do the steps correctly, the alarm would sound. Basically, I had to disable the alarm, go through the garage door and close it fully, press the button to open the garage, go back inside and press another button tot turn the alarm back on, and go out the garage door while it’s beeping and fully close the door again to stop the beeping. He told me these directions and I followed them, and the beeping continue to happen even after I closed the door. i texted him that I was walking out the garage but there was still beeping, he told me it was okay, but then the alarm went off. I think he thought that I didn’t close the garage door yet, which is why he thought it was okay? But apparently I didn’t wait for him to fully give him instructions (which I was genuinely confused about bc even looking back at the texts now he did), and he got extremely frustrated with me, telling me that because I didn’t properly follow directions, it was now going to call his parents. He kept saying that it was whatever, and that he’d just take an uber, but I apologized profusely and kept telling him that I’d do it right. He texted his mom, and apparently he told me to press the wrong button, and that i need to press a different one instead after going back in through the garage door. In the moment, he kept saying that the other button was still right and always works for him, but later he admitted that he was probably wrong about it. * The second thing that happened isn’t really a big deal, but i’ll still include it. My boyfriend also has anxiety, and is a very big backseat driver. However, backseat driving makes me extremely paranoid and be a worse driver, so it’s just a never ending cycle. I would be following the directions on the GPS, and he would keep telling me the directions as if I can’t see them myself. For example, if i’m about to turn right, he’d would keep repeating “turn right over here” a bunch of times, each one more with more urgency, as if it isn’t what I was already doing. He will pick apart everything I do, and tell me not to talk too much or turn the music up too loud because it would distract me. Again, to be fair, because of my ADHD, I do get distracted easily, even on the road, but it’s usually pretty manageable, and I’m able to talk on the phone/listen to music when driving when I’m by myself. The problem is with him, I get paranoid over what i’m doing, so I get distracted, and I guess that makes it seem like the music/talking is what’s distracting me. Again, when he backseat drives, he also gets extremely agitated/quiet, and he basically continued on like that for the next few hours. * Lastly, when we got home, he was irritated over everything I did. I did leave a bit later than I told him I would because of the things I was preparing (i think i left at 3:15 instead of 3), but I told him beforehand, and he told me to take my time and come anytime I wanted to since I was going out of my way to drive him(be told me this right when I offered to drive him and after I told him i’d be a bit late). When we got home, I told him about what i made and that I cleaned his room, but he got upset because I made the pizza sauce/cookies because he wanted us to do it together. I told him that I would’ve loved to make them together, but just wanted to surprise him because he told me he had a lot of work to do and told me he was craving cookies earlier. He said that he didn’t have as much work anymore, and told me that he thought I knew that because he told me the assignments he need to do (i did know that most of the deadlines were for that day and the day before, but he told me he had some deadlines for a few days after and had told me his whole week was busy, but I guess to him I should’ve know that most of his pressing work would’ve been done that day). He was upset with me again for another few hours, and I tried to tell him there were things we could still do together like assemble the pizza, make something the next day, etc, but he wasn’t having it. Eventually a few hours later he got over it and told me he appreciated that I made him those things, and he was disappointed that we couldn’t do it together, and then mentioned that he was grateful that I cleaned up for him (he didn’t mention it before). 

Several other things happened, but I think that’s enough to somewhat get the picture. The biggest thing that happened though was just a couple of weeks ago. We hadn’t seen each other in maybe 2-3 weeks, and so I was really excited to get to see him. He had an exam that day, so I offered to drive him, and he again said that he didn’t want to worry about making food. The day before he told me he was craving pizza, so yet again I said i’d make it before i came over (starting to think pizza and me driving is cursed). I asked him before if it was okay that I made him pizza, and he said yes, and so we agreed that I would get to his house around 2 (it was maybe 10 am at the time). I bought supplies and started making the pizza. after a while though, I guess he changed his mind about me making the pizza because it took a while. Around 1, I could tell he was getting annoyed. He kept saying that the pizza wasn’t important enough bc i could’ve been at his house already. I finished making the pizza and got to his house pretty early, maybe 5-10 minutes before 2. After that, I was still waiting in the car for another 30 minutes because he was still getting ready, and he got to my car around 2:30. He was still very upset and annoyed with me and gave me the silent treatment. I tried to keep the mood light, but again, he just didn’t say anything. When we were driving, I asked him if he wanted to play music, and what song I should play, but just… complete silence, not even a nod or head shake or anything. For the entire ride he was just on his phone, texting a few friends, and I started to silently cry because I felt so unappreciated. When we got to his campus, he went to a reserved room, but I had to stay in the car because i have a tutoring job that’s online, and had a session at the same time we parked. The person I was supposed to tutor wasn’t there for the session, which was lucky for me because right when my boyfriend left, I started sobbing. When I got out of the car I was still crying as I was walking across the street, and decided to call my friend to take my mind off of everything. Her girlfriend also went to the same college as my boyfriend, and I didn’t know exactly where I was supposed to go, so I called her to help me find where I needed to go. Since we were calling, I didn’t see some texts my boyfriend sent me, but I finally found the room. I was a bit cheered up from my friend but still sad, but wanted to act happy and normal in case he was just randomly in a bad mood and just needed a distraction. When I came in, I was happy to see him and made some jokes, but all he said was “why didn’t you text me” in the most monotone, upset voice. I told him that I was sorry and forgot, would do better next time, and was going to explain that I was on the phone so i didn’t see his texts, but he interrupted me and said something like “i don’t care about you telling me you’re going to do better, just actually do it” in the meanest, irritated tone. It doesn’t seem like a big deal at all, but he has never retorted at me like that before, especially in the way he did. That was my final straw, and I just completely broke down and started crying. He kept asking me to talk to him and tell me what I was thinking, which only made it worse because it was pretty clear as to why I was crying. He comforted me, apologized, and then had to leave for his exam. For the next 4 hours he was in his exam, I was just crying nonstop. When he came back, I was still crying, and he kept apologizing and asked if I was going to break up with him. I told him I wasn’t, and then told him that this happened so often and I felt like no matter what I did, there was something I was doing wrong, and that I felt unloveable. He again apologized a lot and told me he loved me, and later told me that he really wanted to change his medication and get therapy.
A few days later, a similar thing happened, but not to that extent. My boyfriend just got his license and offered to pick me up from one of my exams. I told him I wasn’t sure how long the exam would be, and didn’t want to let him know yet because it could’ve taken very long. I was right- it was supposed to be from 12-3, but I ended up starting later end ending around 6:30. I texted him after I finished, but he told me he wished I would’ve let him know earlier because he wasn’t comfortable driving in the dark yet, which is reasonable. He became very quiet and upset again though, and again, anytime I made conversation, he would shut it down and be really upset. I also told him that I had to move out of my dorm, and so he didn’t have to come if he didn’t want to because it would’ve been a lot of things to haul out. He said that it was okay and that he wanted to see me, and so he came over. When he did, he got upset again because we fooled around for an hour or two instead packing everything up (which he initiated), and then as we started pskcking, he became mean and frustrated again. He kept saying that he just didn’t expect to be moving me out, and that he just wanted to pick me up and go home, even though so told him before that that’s what was going to happen. After everything was packed up and we were in the car, he was still silent and upset but a bit less so. I felt really bad and became quiet, and he told me and i quote: “i’m feeling really anxious to drive this car at night, so can you just act normal”, which felt weird for him to say because I was only acting like that because of he as acting mean. I wanted to get home though because it was pretty late, so I just played some music and acted like my normal self, and that made me feel a bit better. When we got home, he apologized again, and thanked me for being patient with him, and that he’d be getting help soon.
After that, he did become a lot nicer to me. There were things I’ve said which I was sure he was going to get upset over, but he just didn’t at all. Usually, even after he’d apologize other times, he would still get a bit upset with me, but it’d only last a few minutes before he became normal again. This time, he wasn’t upset at all even for the things he’d most commonly get upset about (like me not hearing what he said for example). Hes been this way for around 2 weeks, and had not been getting upset at all, and he said he’s getting therapy soon.
The problem now is, especially because of the last two incidents, I still feel extremely anxious and paranoid when I’m with him. I am constantly on edge because I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing when I’m with him, and it’ll be just like how it has been for the past almost one year.
Looking back at what i just wrote, these instances don’t really seem like that big of a deal, especially compared to how some other people are treated on this subreddit. I think what makes me upset is just how often it happens and how it completely messes up our entire day because he’s just upset the entire time. In the past 3-4 months, I don’t think we’ve ever had a call/hangout where he upset for at least 1-2 hours. I think another thing that really hurts me is that he just acts completely different around me vs anyone else. A lot of the times when I call him, he will get so upset and annoyed so quickly for menial things. He plays games for hours a day, so sometimes when we’re facetime and he wants to play with some friends, he’ll set his camera up so I can watch him play while i do other things, kind of like a youtube video. Whenever we’re on call and he’s upset, and then tells me he wants to play and sets his camera up, his mood instantly changes. His face literally brightens up, and he seems so much happier and talkative. I will sometimes hear his friends on the other end, and they will say/do the exact same things that he gets annoyed at me with, and it just is not a big deal at all, he doesn’t even seem to notice that it happened. Same with my friends- One day, we were planning a trip to the beach, and were supposed to leave around 12 PM. When he came home, he became upset and quiet with me again, and I kept asking him what was wrong and if we’re still going on our trip, but he just ignored me. Finally, at around 6 PM, he was normal again, and then took another hour and a half to get ready, so we ended up leaving at 7:30 PM. My friend was texting me at the same time, so I told my boyfriend to talk to her while I was driving. As we were driving (we were around 15 minutes away at this point), I realized I forgot my license. I asked him if I should turn around, he kept telling me he wasn’t sure, and he was just very upset and annoyed with me, even though judt before we left a whole 7 hours later because he was upset. We drove for an hour before he decided that I should drive back, and I kept apologizing for forgetting my license, and that we could try again tomorrow morning. His mom told us we could go to dinner or something to make up for the day, and I asked him if he wanted to do that, and he just said “why would we do that what would we even eat” in a harsh tone. Again, I tried to keep it light, telling him that I was sorry and we could start fresh tomorrow, and he said that he didn’t want to go to the beach anymore in an upset tone. Again, for half of the night after we came home, he was upset and irritated with me. Later that night, I looked back at. the texts between my friend and boyfriend, and I was in shock with just how different he was acting with me in real life vs how he was acting with her. As he was upset with me, he was texting her with updates, making jokes, and basically just making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal at all that I didn’t have my license. In real life, he acted like I was so stupid for forgetting it, and that it was the worst thing I could’ve possibly done.
I feel like most people who read this might just think he values his independence, and that aim too clingy. I too thought that maybe I just wasn’t giving him his space, especially because I’m his first girlfriend. I will not offer to call/come over as much just to see if I’m the one asking too often and he feels too bad to say no, but when I don’t, he will keep asking me to call him and come over, and ask why I haven’t been talking to him as much/initiates calls or hangouts. He’ll tell me to call more often and hang out with him more often as well. If we hang out, I’ll tell him that I’ll go home for the night and don’t plan on sleeping over, and he’ll keep asking me if I could sleep over or when I could sleep over, and continue to make plans.
Despite what I’ve said, my boyfriend is genuinely the most amazing guy anyone could ever meet. He’s sweet, kind, and thoughtful with genuinely everyone- his parents, my friends, his friends, his professors, everyone. He is an amazing tipper, he goes out of his way to do things for my friends, and anytime i mention the slightest thing he’ll go out of his way to do it for me. For example, in the first month we met, he noticed my backpack and headphones were completely broken, so he bought me a new ones without me saying absolutely anything to him. When I drove him places, he saw that it was difficult for me to look at my phone to follow GPS directions, so he randomly bought me a car phone holder. On my birthday, he made me a card out of the acknowledgement page of the first book we read together, crossed out the authors name, and put my name, and wrote a bunch of sweet, adorable things about me. Because of my adhd, I would constantly forget to chargemy phone/laptop or bring my chargers, and would constantly have no charge on both, so he bought me a pack with 10 of each type of charger, as well as a portable charger. I offhandedly mentioned that I get really carsick, so he bought me dramamine and those carsickness goggles. He bought pads to keep with him just in case I need some, and always carries pepto and advil around because i get headaches a lot and have lots of stomachaches. He helped me move into my dorm, and bought me so many food and supplies even when I insisted that he didn’t. Whenever we go out with my friends, he always covers everything. For my friend’s birthday, everyone was going to chip in to buy her airpods, but he told them he’d cover their part and essentially just bought them for her. He is an insanely hard worker, and I am so proud of him for everything that he’s been through, and he is also just the most fun person to be around. I love him so so much, and I know that a lot of the way he’s acted is because of his depression, and I know that that’s not really him. I visited him yesterday and we had a really good time, but the entire time I kept being really careful with what I said because I was scared of him becoming upset. I’m scared that this anxiety I feel around him will last forever. I want to wait until he has everything under control, but if he becomes the same way that he was before again, I don’t know how much of it I can take. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here- can anyone help me?

Hello, fellow book lovers!
Today marks a monumental occasion – the 90th birthday of the beloved author Ruskin Bond. His contributions to Indian literature have left an indelible mark on readers of all ages. From enchanting children’s stories to profound reflections on life and nature, Bond's writing continues to resonate deeply with us.

A Glimpse at His Legacy

Ruskin Bond's literary journey began with his first novel, The Room on the Roof, which won the John Llewellyn Rhys Prize in 1957. Since then, he has authored over 500 short stories, essays, and novels. His vivid descriptions of life in the hills of India, the simplicity of his prose, and the warmth of his storytelling have made him a favorite across generations.

Why We Love Ruskin Bond

• Nostalgia and Simplicity: His stories often evoke a sense of nostalgia, taking us back to simpler times and places.
  
• Nature and Environment: Bond's profound love for nature is evident in his works, fostering a deeper appreciation for the environment.
  
• Character and Humanity: His characters, from Rusty to the various inhabitants of small towns, are rich in humanity and relatable quirks.
  

Discussion Points

1. Favorite Works: What are your favorite books or stories by Ruskin Bond and why?
   
2. Impact on Life: How has Ruskin Bond’s writing impacted your life or perspective?
   
3. Nature Writing: Let’s discuss how Bond’s portrayal of nature influences our view of the environment.
   
4. Lesser-Known Gems: Are there any lesser-known works of his that you think deserve more recognition?
   
5. Personal Encounters: Have you ever had the chance to meet Ruskin Bond or hear him speak? Share your experiences!
   

Celebrating His Legacy

As we celebrate this literary icon's 90th birthday, let’s take this opportunity to revisit his works, share our favorite quotes, and introduce his stories to a new generation of readers. Here’s to many more years of inspiring and heartwarming tales from Ruskin Bond!
Happy Birthday, Ruskin Bond! 🎉

[Actually, in hindsight, it’s a terribly sad story, but when it was happening, I thought I was striking back and hard at the people who had hurt me]
I had a so-so childhood. On the one hand, we never lacked anything materially. But we had a very complicated family situation. After the divorce, my mother took me, while my father took my sister. The worst part for me was that I grew up in a home with two abusive, cruel people (my mother and stepfather). And my sister grew up with my very sensitive and kind father and a gentle and good stepmother. So, I kind of felt like I had lost and she had won the lottery called: "parents".
But of course, it wasn't her fault. Nobody’s fault. Fate. Chance. The foolishness of adults.
We all (both families) had an agreement that we (sisters) would always be taken on vacations together. That means if my mother and stepfather wanted to take me somewhere, they would take my sister too. And vice versa. When my father and his wife went somewhere, they would take me along with my sister. The idea was for us to stay in touch. But also to avoid favoring either of us.
But I had a dream! I desperately wanted to go to Disneyland! I asked for it many times, but there was never an opportunity. It didn’t really matter, because we traveled to different countries. And even within our country, we went to very interesting and beautiful places. In that regard, I really couldn’t complain.
Until one day, for some reason I don’t even remember – I was alone at my father’s house. Hours passed, and this was a time when you could only have internet via a phone cable! So out of boredom, I reached for the shelf with photo albums (yes, yes – back in the day, all photos were kept in albums, hahaha).
I was browsing through various memories until I came across some photos… My father and his wife had taken my sister to Disneyland. And they didn’t take me. My probably then 15-year-old heart broke. It must have happened a good 2-3 years earlier. And no one told me? Not even my sister? They kept it such a secret?
I flipped through page after page and cried. Photo after photo. How happy they looked…
I cried. Like a lot! But time passed and I put the albums back on the shelf.
I actually wanted to talk to them about it. Ask about it...
But when they came back (my sister was elsewhere, only the adults returned) – they asked how I was feeling and if I had been bored. And I just couldn't start the subject. So I said I had been wandering around the apartment, picked up a few books (which was true), and then started looking at photos…
I was hoping for some reaction. But they probably didn’t even remember what photos were there. So they were happy.
“And? Did you have a good time?”
I was stunned. And decided to start testing them now.
“Well… Great…” I said. “But I’d like to look at those photos with you, because I don’t remember everything. Will you tell me about some of the pictures?”
“Sure!” they both replied!
And my father reached for the first album from the shelf. With the oldest photos.
I had the impression he hesitated. That he understood what was hidden 3 albums further down. But he didn’t let it show. Instead, he invited me to the kitchen. “We’ll look at them there,” he said, “we’ll make some coffee and tea and we can talk!”
“But I don’t want to! I said – it’s so comfortable here! On the couch! And there are only chairs in the kitchen!”
“Then we’ll go to the other room,” my father said, literally lifting me up by the shoulders and leading me away.
I gave in. OK. Let it be. I already know what you’re doing. And you don’t yet know what I’m doing… I thought.
They both sat next to me – him and her – and we looked at photos from the first album.
“Next!” I said when we finished that one.
And so on and so on. Until they said there were no more.
“Hmmm…” I replied. “Impossible. There was a red one on the shelf. And there’s no red one here! So something’s missing!”
“No, no,” my father replied, “there’s nothing else there.”
“Of course there is!” I shouted like a five-year-old and ran to the room before anyone could stop me. And… there was no album. They had already hidden it.
I returned to them and asked where the red album was.
And they said they never had a red album. That I was mistaken. And that it was time for dinner.
I said nothing.
I looked them in the eyes. Searching for any understanding. Some truth. Both were sweating, stressed as hell. But the thought of finally getting out of this uncomfortable situationand going to make dinner saved them.
I stayed the night. Because I had no choice.
And in the morning, just before leaving, I left a photo on the bed that I had taken while browsing. A photo of the three of them. Smiling. Happy. At Disneyland. While I experienced abuse from “my” parents almost every day…
About 15 minutes after I left, the calls from my father and stepmother started.
But I didn’t answer.
For 2, maybe even 3 years, I didn’t answer. My heart was broken.
Later, we reconnected and today we live quite normally and in friendship.
I forgave them long ago.
But somehow, I can’t forget.

Idk if this belongs here. If there's a more suitable page, please let me know.
Basically, nothing I ever do is enough. I babysit my sister 3 days a week, from 8am to 8pm. She in herself is another whole issue, but that's due to my mother's coddling, no doubt. During this time, I need to get my sister ready for school, drop her off, pick her up, do a variety of chores (dishwasher is all that she says, but she complains if the floors arent clean and the washing is piled up, so basically i try to do every possibke chore), make dinner for everyone, and feed our outdoor pet.
I don't mind this. My mum works hard. But when she comes home she complains about EVERYTHING. If my sister made a mess of something and I hadn't noticed it, if my sister touched the walls with greasy hands, if my shoes were in front of the door after I went out to feed the pet that her and my little sister got before i even knew. Like nothing is good enough. She's constantly bitching about my sisters, which makes me anxious to do the same. When I'm around her I don't dare grab a coke, snack, or make pasta, because she's constantly dogging on them for this.
One of the worst parts is how she claims she's blunt but everything feels passive aggressive. She will address it to my little sister like "Oh what have I told you about doing this, where's your this, hope you haven't been on that TV all day, what did you eat, oh baby let me go get you another drink." Her tone just screams that she's talking to me. Like, I'm sorry your kid is a literal demon. Idk what happened after I left for university, but my sister was lovely and silly, and she adored me, used to want to be me, and now she's horrifying. "If you don't do this, I'll tell Mum lies about you. If you don't, then you'll ruin my childhood, I love mum and my other sisters more than you."
Besides, nothing is good enough for my mother, I'm perfect. On social media, I'm the best daughter, I'm so smart, and she's so proud, and I'm so beautiful. She wonders why I have no self-worth? Because I've never heard those things to my face. I hear her tell me I have a good figure, but never without hearing, "You don't want to be like your sister. She's too skinny." Oh, I have a nice face? Only because my sister is so punchable.
She reminds me every day that she's a great mother. I'll say well you can be a bit this or that, and she has an excuse for everything." Why you do it doesn't matter. If it hurts, it hurts. What's the point in parenting if the child doesn't find it effective.
I recently told her I think I might have something not quite right with me. A lot of people (mostly AuDHD) say they think I'm autistic or have adhd, and I've thought that for a long time. I have a lot of issues, I wouldn't be surprised if it's just a mixture of many of them that just seems like autism or adhd. Basically, my mother said it's a trend right now and an excuse to be lazy. It was really giving "were all depressed, just stop being a lazy victim" vibes. She also told me I was too normal as a child and refutes all the instances of me being strange. Like when I had a no talking phase, when I told all my friends I didn't like them because they were too hard to talk to, when I cried to my mum basically explaining alexithymia to her because I didn't feel the emotions I expressed, all my various sensory issues I still have to this day that she said we're typical kid behaviour. It's all only gotten worse from there. I feel completely not normal, like I can't explain it. I also have a lot of issues with sounding monotone. Sometimes, I feel like I'm "dropping the act." From a young age, I've always been told off about my tone. If I'm angry, I better not sound it, if I'm sad, if I'm pissed off. I'm always lectured about my tone, but she sounds like she's making passive-aggressive jabs at me all the time, and that's fine.
There's so much more, like so much more. A lot of things she would say never happened. Like how she let my abusive bf take drugs to a holiday and kind of peer pressuring me to do them (I got SAd while I was sleeping that night by him). She said the whole time she didn't like him but didn't tell me in case I got upset. Or that time when I was getting pressured by my bf at 13, and she thought something was going on and just told me if I'm going to do anything I should just ask her for condoms instead of being an idiot. Reading this back, holy shit. One time she was crying and I went to give her a hug and she shooed me away and told me to leave her alone, and then seconds later my sisters aunt did the same thing and she broke down to her even more and hugging her. I was her emotional support child, btw, so obviously, this crushed me as that felt like my only value to her.
But yeah, there's so much idk how to even get into it all. So it probably doesn't seem so bad because this is probably typical parent behaviour. Also, yes, she is a single mother, and I'm grateful, but she has never said sorry to me. Never. It's always sorry you feel that way, but you're dramatic, victimising yourself, lazy, you'll thank me later. Like, no, I won't. Later you'll be estranged. She also has it in my head that no man is good. She keeps warning me of my bf, who yes is a pos sometimes, but better than a druggy rpist? I'd fricking say so, yeah. I tried to OD after breaking up with him. She doesn't even know because if I told her, she'd say I'm stupid and selfish. She also gets annoyed when I unblock my bf (as I broke up with him) to work things out. We're in a hard place, and I'm having complex emotions, and she just wants me to block him and spend time with family and study well. Like, let me grieve, jeez. She also tells me him mother is a psycho jealous bitch and his dad is a pdo. Like excuse me? You met them once, and know nothing about them.
I'm just writing this because I woke up to her complaining about a single cup and some pans that were left out last night (since the dishwasher was on) and saying how it's unfair as she wakes up early and has to deal with it. Why didn't you deal with it by cleaning it if it bothered you? Instead you wait till people are awake to criticise it and make them feel bad. Like we always do the dishwasher, that's one of my babysitting chores. Just ask me to do it nicely when I wake up, why all the backhanded comments and sparky remarks? Just communicate, you're 45, get a grip. She feigns perfection constantly and paints us as a perfect family when one child has cptsd, one has anxiety, I got a shit tonne of issues, and my little sister is an absolute entitled brat who will cry and scream and threaten if not given her way. Literally my sister said she would tell lies about me because I told her to wipe her own ass because I had chores to do (she's 8) and she said my mother would do it and that's why she doesn't love me. I want out of this house, but my mum will fault me for not babysitting as it costs money, and I do it for free.
Ask any questions you'd like. I understand there's not much to go off of, I'm happy to elaborate as I really need to vent I can't lie.

First want to say this sub has really helped me get through this and I appreciate reading everyone’s stories. A true community!
On May 12 I found out I was pregnant after being 3 days late. It was the first time this has ever happened to me, I’m 29 and honestly thought I couldn’t conceive. I used Flo to track my regular periods and I was no where near my ovulation dates but anyway here we are.
I opted for a MA as I wanted things to be done as soon as possible. I was 5 weeks and 6 days by the time I took my first Mifepristone pill. I took it at 12:30 on Friday afternoon and had absolutely no symptoms from it. I had a pretty big breakfast beforehand which might have helped.
Now - day 2 - I was very frightful of. I generally get terrible period cramps every month, typically on the floor vomiting and diarrhoea with intense pain so I was so nervous about proceeding with the misoprotol. What typically helps my period cramps is watching what I eat the day before I get my period so I was very keen to try and do this before taking my 4 doses. All of the rest of Friday I ate very plain beige food - toast, banana, eggs, chicken. Nothing with spice, no artificial sugars (this I find is major for me in terms of making things painful) and no greasy/fried food. On the day of the misoprotol I started off by eating a slice of bread and a banana (I find the potassium in the banana helpful for period pain). I then proceeded to take 800mg of ibuprofen at 12:00, 500mg of paracetamol at 12:25 and then the 4 misoprotols vaginally at 12:30.
I went straight to my couch with a maxi pad and heating pad and laid down to not let anything fall out. The nerves were really high at this point worried I would feel the type of pain I sometimes get during a bad time of the month.
At 1:30 I began to feel some slight cramping but nothing more than a 2/10. At 15:00 I had my first bit of blood. It poured out quite rushed but nothing too painful.
From here anytime I went the bathroom I would have probably a cup of blood pour out of me. It didn’t feel like a period at all but really just juice coming out (sorry for the tmi). I am usually a light flow so the amount of blood was very shocking.
At 16:56 I experienced what felt like the worst of the cramps. I would rate it at most a 6/10 and it was only for 5 minutes and I would say I’ve had way worse periods than this. Heck, the period before I got pregnant had me on the ground in agony crying so this really felt like a walk in the park. I think this was the moment things really passed as after this my cramps went right to a 2/10 in pain. The relief was shocking and nice.
For the rest of the night I just ate minimal (toast and some grapes as I started to feel a bit peckish). I stayed away from coffee though I was tired, anything with caffeine can trigger my cramps worse. I took 400mg more of ibuprofen at 20:30 then went to bed at 01:30. Slept fine and woke up with my pad not nearly full.
Like I said, I’ve had periods worse than this and it was very surprising to me but today I still feel like I’m going through the works. It did honestly feel like a period and I do feel like it worked. I’m relieved and happy to feel more like myself and I hope this eases anyone’s mind before they have their MA journey. All I would say is I do think eating a plain diet before and during helped me not feel sick and make the cramps worse, so give it a try!
Hopefully I won’t ever have to come back on this sub but I appreciate all of those who have given their experience! Best of luck to everyone going through this - you can do it!

Some backstory before you bomb me with let it be that's not your business, cuz I'm really worried about her and she is such a nice person.
I'm not a very friendly person. I'm cold and have a very tough time making friends. Our school organized a trip to Paris before graduation and I thought I was going to be alone, like always, and didn't mind since one gets used to it.
I was shocked when one of my classmates ( let's call her Lee to make this easier) offer me to share room with her and one of her best friends ( let's call her Nancy, she is the main character of this story).
They have always been kind to me since I arrived to school lash year. Lee even invited me to her Quinceañera and even today I can't understand why they were all so welcoming and nice to me.
We weren't the closest of friend so I was really surprised. I later discovered that Lee turned down and offer from one of her friends to be with Nancy and with me. That's another story, so I won't go into detail about that.
When you share room with someone, even if it's for a week, you get to know them a lot.
I knew she had a bf because we where all in the same class last year. What I didn't know is that they broke up.
She told us the whole story when eating at McDonald's with another friend ( let's call him Dan). He's relevant to the story since he's friends with the friends of Nancy's ex. Nancy told us they broke up in good terms. After the break up some of his ex's friends ( let's call the ex Cole since keeping up with the ex bla bla bla Is getting tedious) told Nancy about his multiple affairs. They were at least 3 in the 8 months of the relationship. One at the FIRST WEEK. Another one when he went to visit his relatives in Rumania, and another one I don't remember when.
We talked a lot that night. A few days later Dan told us some nasty things Cole said at Nancy's back. For example, quote, You changed me for that fucking nasty *beaner*.
It's important to say Dan isn't friends with Cole, so he might have said that to hurt Nancy through Dan, idk.
My sister is also friends with a friend of Cole. I listen to the audios he sent her and we can sum them up by saying that "Nancy was a slut, trying to get someone between her legs". He also told my sister that Nancy ended the relationship because, quote again "she wanted to be with other men while Cole was away, since she didn't felt loved enough". He also told my sister that he was texting a lot of guys with very friendly messages, while Cole worked his ass of to give her the best, spending many money on her, like if she was an investment or something.
Let's say that, at the very end of the relationship, a guy started texting Nancy and there was mutual interest. Though she always turned down his offers and invitations for the relationship's sake.
It's also worth mentioning that after the break up, Cole was dating again after literally a week, showing off her girlfriend specially to Nancy.
Nancy hasn't been in any dates since. She kept on talking with this guy though, but it wasjust texting, nothing more.
Now, fast forward to today, they're posting stories together holding hands and kissing ( Cole and Nancy). I haven't asked Nancy or Lee about it ñ, but it seems very, very sus to me.
I'll ask my twin, Queen of the gossip, if this is real or just bait.
I haven't talked with Nancy a lot since the trip, more than the usual hi wassup. I'm really looking forward to keep my friendship with them since they're really good people.
I really want to help her since I found what he said and what he did to her almost unforgivable for a boyfriend.
Idk of someone here has been to something similar to help me to help her. Thanks of you read through the whole post and look forward to your comments.