Brain picture

Big ups to Accidentally Adopted for inspiring this white hot dumpster fire. Enjoy, or don't I have shenanigans elsewhere that need my attention.
“So we’re screwed?”
“Well, Neb, let’s go over the day's events. Pirates have boarded, they’ve blown away our communications relay, all but slaughtered us and those of us who survived are stuck in the safe room with no control over the ship, so-”
A third voice flatly interrupted the condescending tirade. “Specimen’s loose.”
“And now the specimen is loose. Yeah Neb, I think we’re screwed.”
Four scientists were all gathered in the ship's safe room. They were all that remained. Pared down from a crew of over two dozen they were the only ones that happened to be close, or perhaps lucky, enough to make it to the final bulwark.
“But we’re in the safe room. They can’t get in here, right? We just have to wait them out, wait for help?”
That question belonged to Trest, the youngest and most inexperienced of the lot. She had just earned her apprenticeship and had come to Kem’s ship wide-eyed and primed for adventure. But fate occasionally has a cruel sense of humor, so her first foray into the stars would be her last, it seemed.
Kem turned to face her, he didn’t want to be mean, he really didn’t. But the time for pleasantries and comforting lies had passed. The poor lass needed to know what they were facing so that she could make peace with whatever god it was she prayed to.
“I’ll humor you Trest,” he quipped “Let’s assume that these particular pirates are the special kind of bland that happen to be the only crew that galavants around without plasma cutters. They’ve already cut out our comms. They’ll simply steal everything of value, everything of no value, anything else not nailed down, and blow our engines. Doesn't matter if they can’t get in, there is a finite amount of oxygen in this room. With no signal or signature, we’ll be corpses before anyone even realized we were missing.”
He could see the tears begin to well in her eyes as the realization washed over her. Perhaps he could have used a little more tact in his hypothetical, but the stress of being about to be consigned to the void was weighing on him. He made a mental note to apologize to her in the afterlife.
He was also not trained or ready to deal with a blubbering intern, so he decided to distract himself with more pertinent matters.
“What are they up to out there?” He asked Wren, purposely avoiding the torrential sob storm that Trest was about to unleash.
“No idea.” Wren huffed as he tossed his tablet to the side, “After they broke the locks on the specimen’s cell, they cut the feed. We’re stuck blind and waiting now.”
Kem’s frills rippled. It was one thing to be trapped waiting for death, but to do so with no inkling as to the estimated arrival time of the Great Winged Guardian was a different beast altogether. Fortunately, or perhaps, unfortunately, the universe grew tired of its malicious malarky and decided not to leave the beleaguered scientists in bated anticipation as the muffled roar of a plasma cutter opposite the security door broke through the air.
Instinctively the four moved toward the back wall, away from their impending demise. Not that it mattered much, there really wasn’t anywhere to go. The loud thunk of the safety interlock being cut, and the scraping metal on metal of the door being pried open gave finality to the doomed researcher’s situation.
Two Korrivian pirates strode through the threshold. Their armoured carapace would be more than enough to ward off any feeble assault the biologists could muster. Their mandibles were hungry clacking at the sight of new, succulent prey.
Oh good Kem thought They’re not just the steal your stuff kind, they’re also the kill and eat you kind. And currently, he was very much hoping that they would choose to do it in that order.
So it came as a minor relief when one of the insects raised its rifle towards him. It then came as a major shock when the pirate was suddenly relieved of his weapon. And one of his arms.
The bug didn’t even have time to register the missing appendage when the stock of his former rifle became intimately acquainted with his face plate. He crumpled to the ground in a heap of twitching chitin. His associate turned to face this unexpected intrusion only to be met with the same weapon slamming down on the top of his head, shattering whatever minuscule cluster of neurons that passed for a brain it had once had.
The quartet had no time to feel any relief, however, as their would-be savoir turned out to be the thing of their nightmares set loose. It was the specimen. It stood over the pirates, skin glistening and breathing heavily, likely examining its most recent handiwork. It took a long deep breath and dropped the rifle to the floor with a loud clang. This led to Trest letting out a petrified yelp. Bad move. The specimen took notice and looked up. It scanned the petrified group of academics until its predatory eyes landed squarely on Trest. It bore its teeth and raised one of its hands, waving it back and forth violently in some aggressive hunting display.
Wren and Neb took measured steps to distance themselves from poor Trest, who appeared to have, for some reason or another, attracted the targeted ire of the bloodthirsty beast. Kem, however, was made of slightly stiffer stuff and took his role as expeditionary leader rather seriously, so he stepped between the beast and the quivering intern. After the violent display the specimen just put on he seriously doubted that this gesture would make any difference, but at least he could make a good show of it, and maybe provide the girl a few more moments of precious life.
The specimen recoiled slightly and looked almost offended. It shook its head back and forth a few times.
“Friend,” it said as it pointed a single digit toward a violently trembling Trest. “Friend sing me.”
The three others turned toward her looking for clarification on the bizarre statement. Her frills deepened with embarrassment. She had been, admittedly, more than a little unsettled to be in such close proximity to what could best be described as a walking war machine, so while running her experiments she had taken to singing hatchery rhymes softly to herself to soothe her nerves. The bizarre creature had mistakenly thought she was singing to it, though given her current precarious predicament, she thought better of correcting it.
Neb would be the voice to ask the question that now lingered in everyone’s mind. “Wait. How the hell does it know how to mimic our speech? Where could it possibly have learned that?”
The specimen it seemed had anticipated that question, or at the very least one in the same vein. It cocked its head to one side “See-know, same not same.” Its face seemed to condense, it tried to clarify, “Learn speaks. Learn space.”
“Great” Wren moaned “All it knows is gibberish.”
“No, I don’t think that it's gibberish.” Neb retorted. “I think it’s trying to communicate. I’m fairly certain we can decipher what it's trying to say if we look at it scientifically. We have to work backwards; extrapolate from incomplete data.” He began pacing as he was wont to do when faced with a particularly vexing quandary.
“Learn space is fairly obvious, it’s likely analogous to one of our schools or academies. Learn speaks is more difficult, but seeing as it was able to use the singular for Trest’s singing and used the plurality for speaking, combined with the speed at which it picked up words from our language we can reasonably surmise that it wasn’t actually learning to speak per se, but likely was learning languages, or at least something adjacent like linguistics. Same-not-same is a different challenge.” His pacing became more erratic as he fell deeper into the linguistic mystery. “Likely something that is close, but not the exact same.” His eyes lit up as the pieces began to fall into place “Something similar! See-know is a little more difficult…I think that, in conjunction with similar, we can assume it to be comprehension, or at the very least understanding.”
Neb’s tail smacked the floor with insight “Recognition! So if we combine all the data points, of course factoring in interpretation errors, I think it’s trying to say that it has pattern recognition and picked up our language because it was studying them at an academy!” Neb’s pride at deciphering the solution quickly gave way to abject terror “Wait…if it has pattern recognition…and was studying at an institution…that would mean…NO! No. Nononononononono.” He pointed a shaky phalange at the specimen “It’s a sentient! We’ve been running experiments on a sentient!” Neb collapsed to the floor, embracing himself in a fetal position at the revelation, incoherently rambling about “moral failings.”
The specimen looked slightly upset at Neb’s existential crisis “Hurt.” It said as it pointed to the whimpering mess
“No, not hurt. Stupid.” Kem hoped his simplified answer would suffice, but the empty stare he received indicated the opposite.
Though it couldn’t fully understand Kem its ability to perceive and react to change did lend weight to Neb’s theory. This gave him an idea to truely test the sentient capabilities of the specimen. He stared down the one working computational station in the room. Show time.
Kem made a gesture to the specimen to follow as he walked over to the console, and much to his surprise it dutifully followed him without any hesitation.
He booted up the translation matrix input program. The screen flickered and a crude picture of a dwelling appeared. “Speak,” Kem said.
The specimen narrowed its eyes at the image before it turned to Kem and lifted its shoulders briefly.
Kem scoffed. “You. Speak.”
It stared back at the picture for a moment, before bringing up one of its hands, moving it in a way that created an odd clicking sound. It then growled something in a strange dialect that he assumed was its mother tongue. The image changed and the specimen belted out something else.
Shit, it's figured it out. Looks like Neb was right Kem reasoned. As the specimen continued to work through the images brought up on the console, he made his way over to Neb, plucking the earpiece from his incapacitated colleague.
He made his way back to the specimen, as it was finishing up with the program, and let out a short cough to grab its attention. He offered up the earpiece and pointed to the side of his own head. The specimen took it and moved its head up and down. With some difficulty, it managed to seat the piece on its alien anatomy.
“Hello? Is this better? Is it easier to understand?” Kem asked the specimen.
Its face contorted briefly, “Yeah…yes. Better. Thank you.”
“It won’t be perfect, syntax, idioms and grammar may become distorted or incorrect, but it’s a logarithmic learning algorithm. The more we speak, the clearer it will become, you understand?”
The specimen nodded its head. “Yeah, I get it. What I don’t get, however,” Kem flinched at the sudden shift in tone from the specimen “is why we didn’t just do this off the hop. It would have made everything easier!”
This decidedly posed a problem for Kem. He could lie, and risk pissing the specimen off. Or he could tell the truth, and risk pissing the specimen off. As science is the pursuit of truth and to his core he was a scientist, he went with the latter.
“We didn’t know you were a sentient,” he said quietly.
“What?!” the specimen seemed incensed. “When you scooped me up, did you not notice the cities? The signals? The satellites? Like I get it, it’s not Star Trek-level space shit, but surely that level of civilization should have given it away.”
There was a strange silence as no one apparently wanted to answer the question. The specimen once again regarded the others in the room, all of whom had suddenly, simultaneously found the floor incredibly fascinating.
Kem sighed, the next answer may be more difficult, but seeing as thus far the specimen had been fairly amenable, he pressed on. “You were purchased.”
“WHAT!? WHY!?”
Kem’s tail flicked non-commitally. “Because grant funding has been sparse recently. To get any appreciable amount, a shattering discovery needs to be made. One of my crewmen said he “knew a guy” as it were, and it turns out his contact was good. So we pooled what little funding we got, along with some of our own savings, and purchased you, stasis pod, and all. You were billed as an exotic, unknown, apex ambush predator. Something that’s relatively difficult to get one's hands on.”
The specimen stared blankly at him for a few moments before bursting out in a fit of laughter. “Buddy, you got railroaded. I may be one of those things. But if that’s what you were paying for, you got scammed.”
“How’s that?” asked Kem.
“For starters, I ain’t apex. I could rattle off a dozen animals that would beat my ass, half of them prey, off the top of my head.” the specimen explained “Plus, not an ambush predator, there’s persistence hunting in my lineage, sure, but not something we’ve done for a long time. All in all, we’re pretty bland. I think the ‘unknown’ thing is the only category I qualify for.”
“Persistence predation? That would explain why our experimentation was going awry, we were chasing the wrong path!” Kem froze, in the excitement he had accidentally, explicitly, revealed their ethically dubious enterprise. He looked back to the specimen who seemed to have not reacted to the information.
“I do apologize. Had we known about your sentience, we wouldn’t have performed such invasive procedures. I can only hope you aren’t too angry”
The specimen let out a strange snort “You call those invasive? Hell, I’ve had worse blood draws at the lab. Other than the weird mix-up where you assumed I wasn’t a person, this whole trip has been a ride on easy street. So no, I’m not angry.”
This made very little sense to Kem, if he had been kidnapped, mistaken for a beast, and had experiments performed on him he would be more than a little miffed. So for the Nth time today, he decided to be bold. “I’ll risk overstepping, but why aren’t you at least a little mad?”
“Because this is so objectively absurd. If you had told me six months ago, that I’d be bouncing around a starship, waxing alien cockroaches to save a bunch of walking Geico ads that thought that I had the cognitive capacity of an ant and had plans to vivisect me, I would have asked if you were smoking crack cocaine, but…” The specimen gesticulated widely around the room “Here we are!”
The specimen thought for a moment. “Wait…you said stasis pod and all? Hell, it may be longer than six months, but my point stands. All of this, it’s insane.”
“Insane as it all may be,” Kem said as he wandered back to the console “Now that we’ve cleared up this, uh, unfortunate misunderstanding, I think it would be beneficial for all parties to get you back where you came from.”
He pulled up a holographic galactic map and turned back to the specimen, whose demeanor had once again shifted, this time it emanated an air of disappointment.
“Something the matter?” He asked.
“Well, it’s just that, where I’m from, this would literally be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.” It paused “I was kind of hoping you’d allow me to stay, even if for just a while. A grand space adventure sounds pretty neat.” It pointed to the map “‘Sides, that might as well be written in hieroglyphs, don’t know if I could find Earth even if I was chomping at the bit for it.”
Kem thought on this, there was a lot of potential to having such a creature around. If he could somehow convince it to allow experimentation to continue, even at a reduced rate, the data provided could be invaluable, not to mention recrewing would be infinitely easier with the level of protection the specimen could offer. He prepared himself to negotiate with all the tact that he could muster, but the specimen seemed ready to do his job for him.
“I ain’t no freeloader. I’d be willing to pull my weight, hell I’d be willing to let you keep running your experiments, with the euthanasia and dissection bits off the table, of course.” It offered.
Kem was shocked. Not only was the specimen ready to work to earn its stay, but it had also willingly offered its body for science. He was practically salivating at the academic prestige, not to mention the grant funding that would roll his way. There was no chance he was going to let this opportunity slip through his webbed fingers.
“No cutting you open. Seems a reasonable compromise.” He hissed with amusement “I’m sure we can make reasonable accommodations to facilitate your stay, if you’re certain. Though if you do find yourself lacking anything, once we crew up, feel free to ask.”
“I think I'm alright. I’m a creature of few earthly comforts, all I need is the clothes on my back and-”
The specimen stopped mid-sentence, glancing down briefly at its own form. Its face twisted into one of abject horror. Realizing, seemingly for the first time, that in this entire escapade, it had been naked as the day it was hatched.
“Actually, there is one thing,” it added quickly “You guys got a towel? Bit chilly in here.”

I (M22) met this girl (F22) on New Year's Eve on Bumble. I was in the middle of doing work on my final year project for college and I noticed that I got a text from this girl on the app. I didn't cop onto remembering when I liked her first or anything but my god ...she was beautiful, and we started talking and we had instant chemistry. We ended up talking all night, which turned into talking all week long ,and then she left, and at the time I was a bit apprehensive about anything because I was so busy with college but this girl just stayed in my mind the whole time she was gone ,I texted her just to see if she was OK, and I realised that I did like her. Not long after that, she came back and texted me ,gave me her snap and number which was great! We texted on SMS for a little bit before switching over to Snap which escalated things and made us bond more cuz she could send me voice notes and pictures and I could do the same.
That all happened with a month, so the next month that's where things got more serious with texting on Snap. She instantly asked me to go see a movie with her ,and I was down but a bit scared too cuz again I was kinda cautious to get into something with someone rn ,but at the same time I liked her so we tried to make something happen but at the time ,the movie was only showing in a cinema incredibly far away from us both ,and we both couldn't really make the commute so I said to wait a little bit until it came to the one in my hometown. So anyways ,we keep talking, every hour ,every day we learn more about each other ,the closer we become ,the more our feelings grow for each other. Our biggest thing that we did (and my favourite thing) was we'd stay up all night with each other and listen to music through Spotify's Jam feature, I can't explain to you how fun and good it felt to have those experiences with someone. We'd share music back and forward, until we both fell asleep to specific songs. We even began to associate specific songs to each other, I'd show her songs that reminded me of her ,and she'd do the same for me. That was the best of times..
I will admit I was still kind of apprehensive about taking this girl on a date so soon cuz of the demand college had on me ,plus trying to get back to the organisation I did an internship with, but I tried to be upfront about it ,and told her that if I could drop this all to be with her ,even for a coffee I would ,but I literally spent all day in the library cuz it was that intense, I go to college in the city and the public transport in her area is horrible so the possibility of her even coming up to the city just was a no-go. But one night, all of that fear went away.
It was very late at night, and we had gotten into our conversation about our traumas. I should note before continuing this part cuz it's vital to my post. She would regularly tell me about things and people from her past who have hurt her, or how her hometown has gone to shit, and I'd listen and I'd sympathise with her ,in my mind ,she was someone who knew her value and didn't have time for people who just were influenced by the environment around them, through drugs and toxic relationships and all that. Bear in mind, she is a huge weed smoker but tbh I didn't really care as long as she didn't try to push it on me which she didn't and we had a convo about that ,and I saw it as a way to just help her relax at night, and it's not up to me to tell someone how to decompress. But back to the night ,we had a conversation about our traumas ,it just kinda happened ,we both shared very intimate things about ourselves, she told me how people who should have taken care of her in the past used her and hurt her deeply ,which made me very upset and I cried reading through it ,cuz I still just don't understand how those things happen irl,and I told her about things from my past , the presence of suicide in my family and how I was bullied for most of my younger life ,and she sent me back a pic of her crying ,and it was almost through this ,that I had the moment I needed : I was ready, it was almost like we had established a bond ,through a shared endurance of incredible pain that neither of us deserved. This was leading into Valentines Day.
However, the next day wouldn't be as fruitful as you think. She had somewhat of a trauma response on the day because she was telling me how one of her friends had been hurt in a very horrible way before on that day by someone in their family and how it was the anniversary of him being murdered, which is a bit heavy to take in and I was kind of taken aback. So we moved on in the conversation. A few hours later after she's done her shift ,she begins to joke with me about how much she hates her boss ,that's fair he seemed like a prick. But she was actually looking up his address and joking about how she wanted to do bad things to him at his house. And I kinda told her about that not being a great idea ,but she said every girl does it. Every girl has their thing and hers is knowing the addresses of people who and could possibly hurt her (this is also someone who said that the group of guys she was friends with beat up someone she used to date before cuz he was a creep). I told her like that I was uncomfortable with the idea of her doing that with me and she had confidence in me that I wouldn't hurt her. This led to a larger discussion.
Wouldn't call it an argument, but I confronted her about it ,and told her that it was just a bit worrisome for her to do that. And she was taken aback by me saying it cuz no one ever had said that to her before ,they all just accepted it. However, I didn't wanna let my fears do the talking ,I still liked her but I wanted to tell her that this was wrong so we both explained our POVs and she justifiably said that she knows it wrong but the pain that she has gone through pushed her to that point ,which I understand, and my response to that was in relation to comments she made about me to me about how she felt about us and how I made her feel. Up until then ,she had told me that I was the blueprint of what mens behaviour should be ,and that I was respectful and kind ,and that the i treated her was all she's ever wanted ,she'd send me pics of her ,where id honestly nearly faint cuz of her beauty she was just something else. So I used that feeling of hers to explain to her that if I am so different from what she's had before ,then she can't use things from before ,I asked her to build something new with me. And she wanted to do that ,and she apologised for scaring me and told me that she didn't wanna go anywhere, she wanted this.
After this ,things were pretty OK, things intensified with me at college and she became a little busy but we still talked all day pretty much. And I finally made the plan to myself that I was gonna take her to that movie she wanted to go ,and get dinner after because I knew I was ready and I knew I wanted this, I wanted her. So I planned it and I was ask her on the Monday/Tuesday to go out. We hadn't talked much cuz she was at a friend's house having drinks ,she still sent me pics of her there getting drunk but she was quite hungover the next day so we'd talk in intervals, but It was also the first time I told her that I missed her ,which made her happy.
So Monday rolled around ,this was end of February ,and she had taken the day off work cus she wanted to chill at home and was still bad from the weekend so she chilled and I texted her and I was fairly busy but I was still good to go ahead with my plan. Fast forward to that night, and I'm finalising all the little details for the date that I'll ask her out to ,and I get a text from her. I open up and it's a screenshot. In the screenshot ,it's an article that is about someone from her past who did some horrible things and had been convicted (not saying for privacy reasons) but I know in that moment, that I can't ask her on a date if she's just after learning about something like that ,her demeanor immediately changes. I ask her if she wants some space for the night and she accepts which is totally cool ,and I understand cuz even I was fucked after reading it. The next morning, I wake up to a voice note from her ,where she just suddenly breaks down and almost retreats into a child-like state calling out for her mom and dad who are away for the night. I am home the next day ,and I consider going over to her but she has cameras in her house and I didn't think it was appropriate so I didn't offer but my priority was to try and calm her down cuz she was in a state, after a little bit of time ,I spoke to her some more and she settled down on the couch ,kept the fire lit and had some water and just watched TV ,while she texted me. She was somewhat calm now ,and I just tried to be there for moral support. Then she said she got her period (which is exasperated by a chronic illness she has). She just couldn't catch a break.
I texted her after she told me ,but an hour went by , a few hours went by ,I texted again to check in on her (she had a tendency to nap alot on her days off) , a day goes by ,two go by , a few go by nothing. By Sunday, I'm just missing her so badly. I send her another text a few days later bascially telling her that I wanna be here for she'll let me, that if she needed me ,I was here.
She opened the text I sent not long after that ,and a few days worth of texts were there and she instantly began typing ,and said something along the lines of "I won't lie ,I don't have the time or energy to read all of that ,sorry but idk there's still alot of things happening". I just said one more time that the only thing she needed to take from it was that I wanted to be there for her. And she left me on read. That crushed me. The news of the article affected her so much that it closed me out of her life. So I committed to giving her space ,until I remembered that she had exams coming up ,and now into March ,I texted her good luck for her exams one night. And the next morning I was in college and still hadn't seen her open it,and then looked again ,and saw she left that on read again. And I was kinds concerned....until I looked at her icon ,and saw that all the texts saved had gone...she removed me. Went to Tiktok she blocked me ,number blocked ,everything.
So it didn't hit me right then and there ,but all I did was remove from things on my end but I was gonna leave things untouched on like Bumble and stuff if she decided to reach out...she deleted that too. I was a wreck for about a week and was just fried from it ,I sent her a text that night telling her how I didn't want this ,and that idk why it happened. But I knew she probably wouldn't see it if she blocked me. So all I had left was the fact that I still had her on Spotify ,and no one checks their followers count on Spotify so I was just kinda like OK...we're connected through the music. ...until yesterday a month on ,where she removed me..and I thought OK that's probably the last straw until this morning. I hadn't been on Tinder in a while and I knew that she didn't have an account before we talked cuz I've never seen on it. So I go on it to just distract my brain a bit while I have some coffee ....and she's literally the first account I see.. and I can't express how gut-wrenching it is. Its just like someone who experienced as much pain as her in that time frame, a month and a bit later ,is back on a dating app ,after just leaving me in the dust after I tried to show her how much I care about her and how much I wanted to be there. Just nothing, I got nothing in the end. Idk why it happened ,thats not even important anymore but it's just like why end it without saying anything, especially after our convo about our traumas.
I guess I'm writing this to get some clearance of mind ,I know its over ,but she just made me feel so wanted and it was so real ,and out of everything that went on in my life ,she made everything and every day so much better. I don't think I deserve alot of things in life ,but I didn't deserve that. I don't know if her going on Tinder is a way to distract herself from healing or feeling since I've seen people say before that people do after breakups/leaving people to like distract themselves cuz there's no way she's processed everything. I don't wanna be told that she doesn't deserve me ,or her to be insulted cuz I don't hate her ,I just hate the things that made her into the person she is ,the trauma ,all the pain that's internalised in her ,that she isn't even consciously aware of.
This isn't a post asking how to get her back ,it's just a post of trying to get peoples perspectives on it. It was the first time ever where I largely felt like I did nothing to make someone stop liking me or like it was my fault ,like obviously I wasn't perfect and neither is she ,but she had what I wanted ,and she made me feel understood. I know I have to move on ,but just I'm kinda just desperate to get POVs and opinions on this.
Thank you for reading if you have ,it means more to me than youll ever understand..

Hey everyone,
My son is 9 years old and he has just recently been diagnosed with ADHD, although we knew before this, we couldn’t really do much as he presented pretty well at school until last year.
Anyway, he is on Teva, doing well at school, a bit better at home. He only takes a long acting a day and nothing weekends/school holidays…we also have made structural changes at home to support him better. He liked Fortnite since he was 7-8 with a short period of playing it but it was a lot for him so we had major mood swings so it was out of the picture until recently.
He plays one hour a day and usually only Fortnite maybe 3-4 days a week the other days I encourage him to play something different.
His friends play and he has no access to talking with other players (mic only when playing with friends).
I think from what I’ve read Fortnite is quite appealing to ADHD brains, I’m happy with it out because when it’s time to turn it off everything is okay, although he is still highly fixated on it and he talks about it whenever he has a chance. I can see why it so engaging for him but, should I have waited until he is older?
Is there other ADHD friendly games for Nintendo switch, laptop or PS4 he could be playing? I guess I just want him to have different interests and not to get hyper fixated in one game, makes disappointment and loss a lot harder for him I guess?
He plays sports, plays violin, loves reading, loves swimming….but sometimes this things can be hard to achieve due to his motivation and not able to initiate the activity which is a lot harder than with Fortnite…and with a lot more whining and general upsetness…
Thanks in advance! Just a parent who is potentially ADHD as well trying to figure out things! 🫰🏽

Hooray, it's really happening! This is very much a build-up/anticipation chapter most of the way through, but Oda makes a smart choice to drop the first bomb at the end instead of leaving us waiting, so it won't feel like a total copout even if the broadcast is shut down before it's complete. And now that the ball's rolling, the momentum for post-Golden Week is going to be unstoppable.
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We start with a gorgeous colour spread full of fun details, perfectly synced to the title of the chapter. I love having Robin as a chessmaster, Jinbe as a rook recalls his time in Big Mom's crew (remember her using that as a rank?) and the designs of the Chopper pawns are all adorable. Weirdly, they're numbered up to 16 (despite there only being seven in the image), which is the total number of pawns on a chessboard, but across both sides. Are there some enemy pawns on the Strawhats' side of the board already? The process video for this one is a treat too. I love that it's not just building up from rough sketches, they show the moment Oda pauses, goes to a new page to just line up the pieces and develop who is going to be what, then even maps out a chessboard and plans out the moves so that no one's in an impossible position for the finished artwork. I love that kind of attention to detail for things absolutely no one would have thought to check otherwise.
"Well, it's been such a short time..." Vegapunk you fricking tease, no it has not. But hey, if the Vegacoffee really stays warm for two months maybe there's something to it.
I expected a brain in a jar for Punk Records, but I was picturing a Mother Brain kind of situation, having it just be Vegapunk's giant misshapen forehead is hilarious. And I love all the tubes and cables in the reveal panel. I keep looking at it and assuming the detached portion of head is the same size as it was in the flashbacks to post-Ohara earlier in the arc, then I look down to Mars and realise its true size. Can you imagine if Vegapunk still had this thing attached to his dome?
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Seeing so many locations connected to the Strawhats as the broadcast builds up really makes it feel like the world is drawing a breath for the big news. Oda wants this moment to breathe, as frustrating as it can be as a weekly reader. And hey, is that a Thousand Sunny beast in the Baldimore segment? Franky was busy while he was there.
And man, speaking of the scale issue with Vegapunk's brain, I'm also taken aback by Nusjuro towering over Franky's group. I know the reveal spread for the Elders' yokai forms showed them being enormous, but in my mind, Nusjuro's centaur form somehow ended up proportioned to the human half, not the horse half. The fact that until now he was mostly shown next to the towering Pacifistas definitely didn't help matters. Sanji's blow to his jaw is an extremely cool moment somewhat undercut by Sanji's fixation on Bonney. He doesn't know. I just have to tell myself he doesn't know. But it's still offputting. The depiction of the transformation back to horse mode is unique, with the human parts seeming to burn away, lingering in the background as the hose head snaps at Sanji. His transformation to the centaur mode was depicted as a much more fluid morphing. He also leaves trails of flames as he goes back to human in Oimo and Kashii's grip a page later.
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I'm still not a huge fan of these distorted futures. They really stretch the limits of where it feels like the fruit's rules should be. The callback to Luffy's descent through the clouds during the Kaido fight is fun though, I guess.
The true highlight this week is Saturn's attack on the crew's weakling squad. We get the 'bringing things full circle' reveal that he was the one who spoke to Clover and ordered his death, followed by a truly heart-warming moment of the whole squad forming up around Robin. As someone whose favourite One Piece moment is probably "I want to live" I love these moments where either the crew stands up for her or she affirms her faith in them. And it's a great page besides, with a ton of moments compressed into a single panel, the flurry of attacks and counterattacks developing as your eye moves over the page.
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Oda's building up that we're still going to be given a solution to the transponder snail dilemma through Mars and York's continued search. This probably means that we won't hear the full backstory to the reveal on the next page. I'll maintain that even with a decoy in place, I don't trust Vegapunk to have made his deception *too* extreme. The man has been characterised through this whole arc as naive and perfectionist. He does not have the social skills for a chessmaster manipulation of career politicians and their whole military, and he'd go all in on his first idea come to fruition rather than having numerous redundancies and backups. It would be out of character for him to suddenly be able to bamboozle the whole world, so I do think they'll find the right snail on the island eventually.
And almost to prove this point, Vegapunk refuses to call the World Government and its leaders outright evil, thinking that because he can't understand their final intent there is no call to be made about their actions. That is a *lot* of benefit of the doubt in my opinion. While I don't disagree that extreme circumstances can justify extreme actions, I've yet to see the circumstances that justify the World Government's *multiple genocides*. Vegapunk believes that whatever other mystery he hasn't solved yet, it must make the cruelty of these people slot into place and finally make sense. It's a nice thought from a very understanding heart, and it's exactly the kind of thinking that's made it so easy for them to fool him time and time again.
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And then the bomb drops. "The world as we know it will to sink into the sea!!" A fitting apocalypse for an ocean-covered world, and just the kind of lategame reveal I'd expect from Oda. Just at a glance, it makes a lot of worldbuilding pull together, from the desirability of the Redline to the strange sinking issues of Long Ring Long Land and Water Seven, the impact of the Mother Flame test on the level of the ocean, and even possibly the height of Wano's walls and the choice to build Zou on Zunesha's back. We know there's a lot that Oda can change on the fly, but I'm ready to fully believe this was one of those things that was planned from the start.
Interesting too is the panel of merfolk at the very end of the chapter. They don't appear to be listening to the broadcast or otherwise connected to the scene at all, but of course they have a symbolic relevance to a flooded world, especially if it turns out a cleansing flood has come and gone already in the past. And let's not forget the plainly significant to this scenario Noah and Poseidon back at Fishman Island.
So we've got one big reveal that sets the course for the remainder of the series already. Anything else Vegapunk manages to get out before being shut down is just gravy. Plus we've got a lot of strawhats in rough situations with some escaping to do. The Egghead climax is so far proving to be worth the wait.
I have a Wordpress blog where you can read this review and thoughts on past chapters going all the way back to chapter 932.

My background [M29 a day trader by profession and take coaching classes in evening for 9th-10th (cbse and icse). Earn above 1.5 lakh/month atleast. No debts. Big family home.]
Now 2 weeks ago I made some post and a women from this sub who is actively looking for am commented on one of my post. She commented again but deleted so I dm her asking what her comment was and this how we started talking. I told her I am unemployed government job aspirant but by then she was already into me so started asking how much time can she wait. She told me she was interior designer by profession. Told me she won't share her picture. Told me she is beautiful in real though. In many of her comments she told she hasn't dated ever. In less than 24 hrs only she shared 2 of her pics. 1 week ago only I made her clear i can't marry her.
Now cut to 2 weeks at present without dwelling too much in details here is the truth:
She is 33.(Told me 31)
Fat(thyroid and stress) 5 ft 2 she told but in real not above 5
Unemployed (boast about her rich father who is in real estate all the time) watches travel vlogs all day. Day dreams travelling whole world from Australia to Switzerland to Paris to newyork to Brazil to Canada everywhere with me.
Shared pictures from 5-6 years ago.
Sexting daily with me
Full day making excuse to chat with me.
Zero personality Whole day only netflix prime (sub par series with below avg ratings)
Complexion dark(shared pics with filters and insta never a live selfie)
I had deleted my account 2-3 times but being active member in my city subreddit she somehow manages to find me and dm me. Expresses how much she is in love and all and ends up getting wet.
In order to get rid of her because of her anxiety issue and over possessive desperate nature i told her I will be connected only for sexting but she on other hand Has agreed to sext daily and get wet in the present, told me will marry somebody else in future in am and will not share these details.
I told her multiple times she needs therapy and needs to work to fill her time but she says she had talked to her family doctor and she is normal.
Finally to get rid of her i said her cuss words today and told her she is a mental patient. Psychologically fucked. Honestly i feel very light.
And my only learning which I would like to share with my brothers here is please please stay away from such anxiety rich mental patients with no work. They are parasites who will rot your fucking brain in and out. And please stay away from reddit for any kind of am search. More likely or not the chances of getting trapped in one such match is way higher than finding a compatible genuine partner.

My rental was backed into
So I'm renting a tesla through ubers partnership with hertz and last night I was backed into while on a ride and on the phone with uber customer support. When I got to my pickup location my rider came out and said he mixed up the pickup and dropoff locations and he stood outside my window while i was on the phone with customer support. While I was trying to help him someone backed into me. So i got out of the car and looked at the door then the driver and passenger of the car got out and started begging me not to call tge police and I told them i had to because I don't wanna lose my job. Then he started screaming at me in a foreign language and became really animated then i got back in my car and called 911 because i was scared then my uber rider said he'd make sure i was safe and then the driver started fighting the people he knew and attempted to fight my rider and came back with a frying pan. So I drove to the other side of the parking lot to wait for the police and the driver parked the car and they both ran off. I called it in to uber and they removed the car then added it back after i sent pictures showing there was no damage. I'm going into hertz tomorrow. What happens next? Is there anyway i can be compensated for the trauma i endured. I have ptsd and could feel my brain wanting to go into shock.
Edited to add yes I am paying for insurance and ldw

My rental was backed into
So I'm renting a tesla through ubers partnership with hertz and last night I was backed into while on a ride and on the phone with uber customer support. When I got to my pickup location my rider came out and said he mixed up the pickup and dropoff locations and he stood outside my window while i was on the phone with customer support. While I was trying to help him someone backed into me. So i got out of the car and looked at the door then the driver and passenger of the car got out and started begging me not to call tge police and I told them i had to because I don't wanna lose my job. Then he started screaming at me in a foreign language and became really animated then i got back in my car and called 911 because i was scared then my uber rider said he'd make sure i was safe and then the driver started fighting the people he knew and attempted to fight my rider and came back with a frying pan. So I drove to the other side of the parking lot to wait for the police and the driver parked the car and they both ran off. I called it in to uber and they removed the car then added it back after i sent pictures showing there was no damage. I'm going into hertz tomorrow. What happens next? Is there anyway i can be compensated for the trauma i endured. I have ptsd and could feel my brain wanting to go into shock.
Edited to add yes I am paying for insurance and ldw

So I'm renting a tesla through ubers partnership with hertz and last night I was backed into while on a ride and on the phone with uber customer support. When I got to my pickup location my rider came out and said he mixed up the pickup and dropoff locations and he stood outside my window while i was on the phone with customer support. While I was trying to help him someone backed into me. So i got out of the car and looked at the door then the driver and passenger of the car got out and started begging me not to call tge police and I told them i had to because I don't wanna lose my job. Then he started screaming at me in a foreign language and became really animated then i got back in my car and called 911 because i was scared then my uber rider said he'd make sure i was safe and then the driver started fighting the people he knew and attempted to fight my rider and came back with a frying pan. So I drove to the other side of the parking lot to wait for the police and the driver parked the car and they both ran off. I called it in to uber and they removed the car then added it back after i sent pictures showing there was no damage. I'm going into hertz tomorrow. What happens next? Is there anyway i can be compensated for the trauma i endured. I have ptsd and could feel my brain wanting to go into shock.
Edited to add yes I am paying for insurance and ldw

• 34M, 6'0", 205lbs, White/Caucasian
• Primary Complaint: Chest pain, tightness in chest, trouble breathing, acute fatigue.
  • Chest pain is primarily in left side of chest, just to the left of the sternum, but not quite at the pectoral muscles. This is also where the tightness seems to stem from, spanning across the center of my chest. Another pain point appears to exist in the left side of the chest, around the mid/lower ribcage. This one can sometimes be irritated when moving certain ways, and almost feels muscular in sensation. I haven't been able to manipulate these points of concern or identify sensitivities with surface-level touch or massage, beyond just adding uncomfortable pressure.
• Secondary Complaints: Significant heartburn, intermittent skin rash (small itchy bumps appearing on hand/knuckles/testicles/elbow for the past 2-3 months), muscular pain/fatigue, intermittent lightheadedness.
• Past/Current Diagnoses: Idioventricular arrhythmia, GAD, ADHD, possible SAD/MDD, IBS
• Drink? 0-3 drinks per week (often 0). Smoke? No. Drugs? No.
• Medications (was taking none prior to this event):
  • Bupropion XL 150mg: Began 1 week prior to medical event, stopped after chest issues.
  • Esomeprazole Magnesium 20mg: Took two-week course, ending 3/4/24. Resolved heartburn in that time, but did not affect chest symptoms. Heartburn returned after this.
  • Propranolol 10mg: Prescribed off label for possible bodily anxiety. Took two weeks, now on hand for as-needed use. Saw intended improvements for bodily anxiety (my brain still reacted to anxiety-inducing events, but my breathing and heart rate remained normal), but the chest symptoms were unaffected.
  • Lorazepam 0.5mg: Prescribed in effort to treat chest pain. Currently trialing. Tried a 0.5mg dose so far, and noted slight calming effects, but no impact on chest issues. Planning to take a 1mg dose today to confirm results.
  • Arnuity Ellipta 100 MCG/ACT inhaler: Currently waiting on pharmacy to receive stock.

​
First, a quick background leading to the medical event.
I've been seeing a psychologist on and off for 3.5 years, but no other medical professionals in this time. The work done here was pretty basic--talked through a couple breakups, but typically met once per month for proactive work around daily life. I have a history of probable SAD (received a MDD diagnosis ~10 years ago) that began to interfere with my life around OctobeNovember 2023, so my psychologist recommended seeking a psychiatric prescriber.
I had an upcoming appointment with a new primary care provider, where I wanted to discuss ongoing fatigue since I had COVID in April 2023 (possible "long COVID"?), so I decided to discuss medication here as well, with the idea that they would have the whole picture in mind while treating me.
I'd tried SSRIs twice around 8-10 years prior and didn't love the sexual side effects, so I asked about Viibryd and Wellbutrin, which were recommendations I'd received. I mentioned hesitation around Wellbutrin, given a history of cardiac issues (ultimately diagnosed as an arrhythmia) and medication/stimulant sensitivity (and orders from my past cardiologist to avoid caffeine/stimulants), but my new PCP insisted he was comfortable prescribing it to me, so off I went with a 150mg bupropion prescription, taking my first dose on 12/4/23. They also ran an EKG that day, simply because I had worked with a cardiologist in the past and hadn't had one since then (outside of occasional Apple Watch ECGs), which was interpreted as normal, and I was referred to a sleep specialist for possible sleep apnea (later confirmed, and I'm now trying to figure out how to sleep with a CPAP).
Here's where the symptoms began.
One week later, on 12/11/23, I hadn't noticed any effects from the bupropion, either positive or negative. Around 7:40pm, I was relaxing on my couch in good health, playing a relaxing turn-based game (so no apparent stressors), when I felt intense pain in the left side of my chest. This lasted for 1-2 minutes, when the sharp pain subsided, but an intense tightness remained, which came with a sensation of some difficulty breathing.
I probably should have taken a trip to the ER, but I didn't due to fear of cost (poor choice, I know). I felt things out a bit and eventually went to sleep, hoping to feel better in the morning.
I did not feel better in the morning. I woke up with the feeling of tightness still present, along with feeling a bit lightheaded. I nearly passed out after getting up and moving around, but I barely avoided it by lying down in the floor and elevating my legs. I've passed out maybe 5-8 times in my life due to what is assumed to be anxiety/vasovagal in nature (from medical needle work/IVs, one reaction to numbing or dilation drops at optometrist, one reaction to an oncoming IBS event with lack of restroom access, one vaccination experience (of many before and since that went fine), and once while overdoing it when I had COVID), so I'm assuming that's what happened here. I've experienced occasional lightheadedness in the time since--maybe 5-6 days of frequent lightheadedness, but I haven't actually passed out in this time.
I managed to grab a same-day appointment with my PCP that morning, so I went in to see him, fully expecting to be referred to the ER or urgent care. He told me he wasn't worried about it being a heart attack, to continue taking the bupropion, asked when I was seeing my therapist next, asked for an update in a couple days, and sent me home.
With no change, I saw my PCP via telehealth two days later.
He advised me to continue taking the bupropion, but I reframed my inquiry around that to ask if it was safe to stop entirely. He said yes, so the dose taken earlier that day was my last. He referred me to get an x-ray and blood work. These came back normal, apart from a granuloma/calcified nodule in the left lung.
At this point, he asked me to come back in one month with a journal, which felt much too long, given the symptoms and their impact on my life. He also wrote me a work note recommending remote work while working out a treatment plan.
Currently, there has been no improvement--my chest still feels tight and/or in pain essentially all the time, with severity coming and going. At this time, I was also experiencing acute muscular pain/fatigue across my chest and arms, like I had gone to the gym and way overdone it on those muscles. It was mostly focused on the chest, and the muscles around the armpit. I also began to experience GI symptoms (primarily severe heartburn, but initially accompanied by excessive burping and notable gurgling/activity in the stomach that has since subsided).

• From my journaling, here are the activities correlated with my symptoms:
  • Lack of sleep. This is the most impactful by far.
  • Physical exercise/exertion, including short walks. This can be especially bad, but it's also one I have a bit more control over managing.
  • Driving, especially when heightened alertness is needed, such as in heavy traffic.
  • Remaining in one physical position for too long. Lying on my back is the worst, with lying on my sides, sitting upright at a desk, standing also providing discomfort. Sitting on the couch, where I can lounge and shift position more easily seems to be the least problematic spot for me, but rotating resting positions is the best thing for it so far.
  • Being in social settings for extended periods--even something fun and low-energy, like a couple friends coming to see me, feels taxing after a while. I suspect this has to do with my limited bandwidth, and the passive tension I experience as someone who experiences social anxiety, but it's noteworthy either way.
• It's worth noting that a lot of these symptom correlations don't occur immediately, but in the hours following, and symptoms can be elevated for days at a time if I overdo it too much. It's less like having the body feedback from a broken limb that says, "Don't move that way," and more like the timeline that comes with something like heartburn/IBS (you ate/did the wrong thing and are paying for it on a delay).

It took me multiple requests to get a cardiologist referral, which I directly requested, given my history. He also recommended lung function testing, so I scheduled that. Every time I've spoken with my PCP, he's brought up mental health and referred me to my psychologist, who has determined this is not a mental health issue, as I've never had anxiety present in anything close to these symptoms. We even tried some additional exercises around calming and anxiety, and they helped in the sense that if you have physical pain from something like a broken limb, being able to calm yourself and relax a bit is better than being anxious/agitated, but it does nothing for the actual symptoms (either in the moment or in the following hours).
As soon as I could, I made appointments with a psychiatric prescriber, a cardiologist, and a pulmonologist.
I onboarded with the psychiatric prescriber to explore the bupropion's possible role in this. I was told that given my medical history, prescribing the bupropion at all was not a good idea for me, and especially in an XL format at 150mg. The initial hypothesis was that this could have thrown my body into a "feedback loop" of bodily anxiety that persisted after stopping the medication, but after the symptoms didn't respond to a couple different prescriptions (see above), the determination was that this should be exhaustively diagnosed as a physical health issue. Long-term, this prescriber wants to try stimulants for ADHD treatment, but said this is on hold until the chest issues are resolved and a cardiologist has given approval.
The cardiologist I saw didn't want to see a 12-lead EKG (my latest was from the initial PCP visit before symptoms began). He scheduled an EKG stress test, which was actually the first time I got wired up since my symptoms began. He has also declined to view the medical records I acquired from my past cardiologist on more than one occasion, which detail my past diagnosis and testing (including another stress test, nuclear imaging, echo, and Holter monitor results).
I powered through the stress test as best I could. I experienced resistance in my chest as my breathing increased, but my symptoms got much worse as I returned to rest, and the following 3-5 days were especially bad. The good news is that the results came back good, but the cardiologist has advised against any further testing, despite symptoms persisting with no identified cause.
Here are the X-Rays taken last week after my lung function tests.
I saw the pulmonologist, who has maybe been the most thorough provider I've worked with so far (aside from the sleep specialist, who was excellent, and the psychiatric providers I've worked with outside my PCP's network). He mentioned the calcified nodule on my left lung remained static between the two rounds of X-Rays, and was likely a result of a past fungal infection, or similar. He said my lung function results were good, but noted my lungs held on to air a bit too long, which was possibly a sign of asthma (though unlikely, given I haven't presented accordingly in the past). He prescribed me an inhaler (see above) to try for a couple weeks, at which point he wants to refer me to a GI specialist for the heartburn and have an echo to check for pericarditis (he declined to refer until I've trialed the inhaler).
Feel free to skip to the end from here!
This next bit may be more about poor provider interactions, though I would absolutely invite advice.
About a month ago, my workplace requested a renewal for my remote work recommendation. It's been a good accommodation that allows me to work in light of the physical limitations I'm experiencing (without having to resort to a medical leave, which my psychologist recommended, but I can't afford), and there are no issues in performing my job remote. My PCP asked me to return in person before issuing another note, so I scheduled that and went in (with a different doctor this time). I was assessed, asked again repeatedly about mental health, and told a note would be written. I later found some very inaccurate notes that misrepresented much of what I said during the visit.
The following day, I received a message asking how I'd like the work letter formatted. I provided details and didn't hear back for a week. I nudged them, asking if they needed more details. This led to an interaction with my usual PCP, who asked what limitations I was experiencing... I returned to square one and laid them all out, as above in this post. He then asked why I hadn't seen a pulmonologist as discussed during my visit with the other doctor--this hadn't been brought up at all before now (and I scheduled my above detailed pulmonary visit after this interaction). He then again asked how my mental health was, and what my new psychiatrist recommended (which I had detailed previously). He then recommended I ask my psychiatrist for a work note instead, said that his office would reach out to their office, and noted that I would be charged for the message interaction, because it was initiated by me... despite it being a follow-up interaction initiated by his office after my last appointment. I relayed that I sent my psychiatrist a release form, but noted I wasn't sure how helpful a work note from their office would be, given the ruling that this is a physical issue unrelated to mental health. He requested I return in person yet again.
Against my better judgment, I agreed and set my appointment. The first thing he did in person was act confused and ask why I came in (this is not the first time we've had an appointment he requested begin this way). He then pointed out that I have a care plan via the pulmonologist, threw up his hands, and presented that in an "Okay, end of story, now go home" sort of way. I'm pretty uncomfortable advocating for myself, but I gave it my best shot. I explained that I'm still in pain and can't do the things I want to do, at work and beyond, and that I desperately want to return to normal health, or at least get some answers. He said that some things don't have a solution, and the stress test came back fine, so I can resume normal activity, and his biggest advice was to exercise.
I was baffled by this suggestion, so I explained that I would love to be able to resume exercise (I have a bike and paddleboard collecting dust, and I am not happy being stuck at home nearly all the time, feeling terrible while I manage my symptoms), but it's not something I'm able to do right now. I walked through the fact that I have a significant amount of pain that gets worse as my activity level increases, and we haven't identified a cause... which tells me that I shouldn't push things until I know what I can push. His response was that it would be fine. Specifically, he said that I'm an adult who can make the choice to push through discomfort, and his recommendation as an internal specialist was to exercise through it.
I should add that he was severely agitated and appeared on the verge of yelling this whole conversation, and I was shut down any time I attempted to discuss my symptoms or ask for help.
For example, I wanted to ask about the heartburn and where I need to draw lines on medicating for it, as I currently take famotidine 10-20mg as needed until I can do another round of Nexium, but am concerned with doing this for too long, especially if there may be a better approach to resolving it (and whether it may be related to the chest issues). I've actually brought my heartburn up with him a few times, and have been brushed off each time.
Now for the wrap-up (finally).
Apologies for the large volume of text there, but it's been a journey, and thank you to anybody who stuck through this far. Right now, I'm exhausted, in pain and intense discomfort, and I'm having a hard time being taken seriously or finding a provider who seems to care. If anybody has seen something like this or has a recommendation on what sort of providers or treatment/diagnostic work I should seek out, or even just advice on how to navigate the medical system in light of my experiences here, I'm very open to ideas.
I'm not sure what to make of it, given that I'm of course not a medical expert, but symptoms coming on from nothing at all to full symptoms in an instant, and sustaining for months after seems odd. The timing of the bupropion is also pretty suspect to me, but the issues persisting so long after stopping it is also odd. I've had hiatal hernia mentioned as a possibility, but with no improvement from the Nexium (beyond just the heartburn while actively taking it), I know that makes it unlikely to some extent. It feels like we're looking at a lot of "not very likely" possibilities at this stage, though, so I don't know where I should be looking.

https://beforewegoblog.com/interview-with-sebastien-de-castell/
Hello dear reader or listener! Our fearless leader Beth has once again been incredible and given me the opportunity to interview one of my all-time favorite authors and modern bard, Sebastien De Castell! Most known for his Greatcoats (one of the very first series I ever reviewed!) and Spellslinger series, he’s also the author of The Malevolent Seven and The Argosi series, and, as of December 2023, he began his new series Court of Shadows, with its prelude Crucible of Chaos.
With his latest novel, Play of Shadows, having just come out in late March, and this year being his tenth as a published author, what better time to ask to pick his brain? De Castell cordially obliged us and I got to gather all of my rambling fangirling thoughts into a semblance of a respectable interview!
So, without further ado, please enjoy some of his bardly wisdom!
******
Let’s start with two-fold congratulations, first on your latest novel, Play of Shadows, recently coming out, and second, on ten years as a published author this past February! I can only imagine how satisfying that must be for you, especially as you’ve just published your 17th novel, so what is going through your head?
I just counted them all and technically Play of Shadows is my sixteenth novel (Tales of the Greatcoats, Vol. 1 is a collection of short stories). Nonetheless, sixteen is a lot more books than I ever imagined I’d get to see published when I started out ten years ago. Honestly, this has been a wonderful time for me – the culmination of a lifelong dream achieved through the support of my fabulous agents, editors and, most of all, amazing readers. If it weren’t for all those Greatcoats, Argosi (and now a growing number of Wonderists) spreading the word about my books, I would never have made it this far.
You’ve said you don’t have a set writing method or plan, so each book is a different beast for you, but now that you’ve come up on ten years of being an author, how do you feel your work has developed/grown in all that time?
That’s a great question, though I always bridle at the notion that writers necessarily improve or produce ‘more mature’ work over time. Most of us don’t; we simply change as human beings and so do our stories. Would I write my debut novel, Traitor’s Blade, the exact same way today as I did all those years ago? Of course not. I’d doubtless tweak the prose here and there, perhaps re-structure events and avoid choices that some reviewers might complain about. But then it would be a different book. Traitor’s Blade as it appeared ten years ago was the best version I could write of the story I most wanted to tell. Its flaws are my flaws, its best moments are those inspired by who I was at the time. A more refined version of the book might appeal to me today, but might not have impacted readers as strongly as the original.
Looking at it another way, imagine if we applied the notion of developing and growing to poets: that an older, more experienced poet would necessarily compose a better love sonnet than a younger one. Even saying it out loud sounds preposterous because we know that there are all different kinds of love, and some of them are expressed most eloquently without the use of technique or guile. We often mock teenagers for being too emotional or ‘driven by hormones’, but some of the finest poetry and pop music of all time came out of those hormones – not because it was technically sublime, but because it was raw and honest.
I say all this because newer writers sometimes put off the story they most want to write until they’ve become more sophisticated at the craft. But if you wait too long, you risk no longer being the person meant to tell that story. One reason why I never try to ‘write to market’ or jump into some hot publishing niche is that I’m confident I’d be terrible at doing so; whichever book I’m currently writing is the one that represents who I am at this moment – as a novelist and as a human being.
Publishing the start of this latest book series was a small Odyssey over the last few years, with dates and book order being moved around a lot, so how are you feeling now that the Court of Shadows is finally making its way into the hands of readers?
Mostly, I’m just relieved that readers are taking to Play of Shadows so enthusiastically. I wasn’t sure whether a swashbuckling fantasy featuring a bunch of misfit actors trying to uncover a hundred year old conspiracy by conjuring up those events on stage would be received. Thank goodness fantasy readers are such an eclectic bunch!
That we are and such a premise would very hard to resist for anyone! From what you’ve said so far about the Court of Shadows as a whole, it will be a series of interconnected standalones, each bringing a piece of a wider puzzle to light, in order to somewhat reflect the fact that not one person or small group of people can see the whole picture of big events, which I find really intriguing. How did that come about? Did you just want to write something slightly different after two completed series, or was it something else?
I have a tremendous sympathy for historical fiction writers because they often have to contort the details surrounding historical events into knots in order to have their main characters always be in the right time and the right place for the story to make sense. Writing fantasy gives us more leeway because there’s no historical record to contradict our version of events, but most of the time, one person isn’t at the centre of so many massive incidents. No one gets to witness the beginning, middle and end of a war or revolution. Moreover, it’s probably never happened that one nation decided to attack another on a single front. Instead, they destabilize their enemies militarily, economically and psychologically through multiple offensives, and no one sees it all coming at once.
With the Court of Shadows series, I wanted the reader to experience both the fast-paced, swashbuckling adventure that defined the Greatcoats novels, but also the unease of a conspiracy – and an enemy – too big for any one person to perceive. Events unfold through the first books of the series simultaneously, so each book reveals one facet of the threat even as it introduces us to new heroes. Doing it this way means the reader is always getting a complete story rather than having to wait a year to find out what happens next, while still allowing for a climactic finale that I can’t wait to write!
You mentioned how your first draft of Play of Shadows was written as a theatre play because, even though the story is full of action, the themes get fought out in and are driven by the dialogue and aforementioned banter. To me, two of the main themes I found here but also in your other books, have been questions on legacy (leaving, preserving, or even revising one) as well as expectations (avoiding or rising to meet them) and, for both those themes, how they can be a burden or tension point for the protagonists. Is this a key way for you to ground your characters and make sure they connect with the reader? Because to an extent we can all relate to those kinds of tension and emotion?
Grounding characters in ways that readers can connect to them is one of the great challenges of writing fiction. Many of the attributes that critics say readers want from characters such as having realistic flaws and not being too heroic end up turning readers off. Often, my first pass at a main character will have them being too extreme in that direction. For example, Estevar Borros (the hero of Crucible) was actually more arrogant in the first draft of Crucible (if you can believe that!) and Damelas even less heroic. What I search for as I write and revise aren’t flaws anymore but contradictions. Yes, Estevar is arrogant, but he’s also self-aware of his arrogance and what it costs him. True, Damelas likes to run from a fight, but that doesn’t stop him from putting himself between danger and the people he cares about. For me, those kinds of contradictions are what make both fictional characters and real human beings so endlessly fascinating!
Which leads me to another thing I wanted to talk about specifically, and that is Damelas’ dynamic with Beretto and with his grandparents respectively. There are parallels and differences that exist in how these characters each place expectations on Damelas and push him to be the man they know he is, but can we say that while in relation to his grandparents whose expectations weigh him down for a long time, Beretto’s in some way encourage him more? There is a nuance there about the importance of how you try to push someone to reach their potential even if you mean well, and also accepting that they are their own person.
Ah, Beretto! I adore writing him because he’s someone who’s been told all his life that he’s too big, too stupid, too talentless to be the things he dreams of being. And yet, he transmutes this hurt into a determination to hold others up on his shoulders. For anyone else, he’d be the perfect motivator: supportive, trusting and full of faith in what you could accomplish. For Damelas, however, who’s lived his entire life in the shadow of his grandparents’ accomplishments and expectations, that only makes him more conscious of his own failings. The relationship between the two of them is always fraught by the fact that Damelas has never known a truer friend than Beretto, and yet the big man’s faith in him is almost more than he can bear. Meanwhile, Damelas looks up to Beretto so much that he often fails to notice when his friend needs a kind word of support. Those moments can be hard to write, because, like the reader, I always want them to be united as brothers-in-arms against the world, but it’s that tension that makes the growth of the friendship so satisfying to me.
Those moments were definitely hard to read for my feelings so I’d say mission accomplished! We must protect Beretto at all costs.
Moreover, something that deeply resonated with me and doubtlessly with many other readers, was a moment later in the book when Damelas and his grandfather finally talk about his complicated feelings towards his grandmother. More importantly about the fact that even understanding her own feelings/beliefs, as explained by her husband, things are still not easily resolved for Damelas. I was hoping you’d tell us a little more about what went into that whole dynamic and tension to and fro, because even with a short time you rendered a lot of nuance there.
You’re absolutely right, which is why I toiled for several drafts over the question of when to bring Paedar into the story. On the one hand, it’s rare for me to wait so long to have someone so important to my main character to make an appearance, but on the other, I really needed Damelas to be the one telling us about his childhood and the burden of his grandparents’ expectations for as long as possible. Had I introduced Paedar earlier, he would’ve shown us where Damelas is mistaken, and that would’ve broken the progression I wanted the reader to experience. More than any other character in the story, Paedar is the one who sees events and people as they truly are. He knows who Damelas really is under all that inner conflict and insecurity. He senses instantly how Shariza really feels about his grandson. Heck, he even gets a pretty good read on Duke Monsegino within minutes of meeting him.
In a very real sense, Play of Shadows is a book not just full of swashbuckling but about swashbuckling: whether that sense of reckless, romantic idealism has any place in an otherwise cynical world. Paedar Chademantaigne, the King’s Courtesy, represents both the awareness of how antiquated such swashbuckling idealism can be along with the determination to hang onto it anyway because, after all, we can all use a little more romance in our lives!
I’m definitely with you there!
Also, part of the fun for me when reading series set in the same world is seeing how much an author will pepper in from the other works so that it’s still in a way all connected but each series has its own identity. With Court of Shadows, I was very interested in seeing how that wider world, and the other characters in it, perceive those previous protagonists some time after their saga. What legends and tales will start to spread and so on. How did you go about deciding how much of the original teratology to mention and were there times when you felt it might either encumber or facilitate the new story you were trying to tell?
I try as much as possible to write the world as an extension of the character. In other words, even if both Estevar and Damelas live in the same Tristia as Falcio (of the Greatcoats Quartet) does, I want them to feel different. You and I might both visit Istanbul, see the same sights and talk to the same people, and yet describe the city in completely different ways. That’s because we experience them differently. This is made especially pronounced in Play of Shadows which is set in the Duchy of Pertine – a place Falcio refers to as little more than a cesspool of cowardice and mediocrity yet Damelas tells us is full of culture and dignity.
The same is true of other characters. Estevar, despite being a Greatcoat, refers to Falcio val Mond as ‘the execrable former First Cantor of the Greatcoats’ (a designation I hope readers of the first series will disagree with!)
Ultimately, I bring in other characters or details from the first quartet only when they feel like things that would be meaningful to the characters in the current book, and in this way I hope to avoid extraneous detail that would otherwise be unnecessary to the story. The only exception, of course, is in the last two chapters in which I felt the need to bring back a certain red-bearded varlet because he felt like the perfect person to both irritate Damelas and yet make him (and the reader) see how the Knights of the Curtain have transformed from a misfit, squabbling bunch of actors to . . . well, readers will have to pick up Play of Shadows to find out.
Oh yes, I spent those last two chapters grinning throuhgout. So, speaking of irritating others, humour and banter in your books is never without a purpose and in a recent interview you highlighted that – “Humour as defiance and banter as a shared language”. I love that for all the deeper reasons but also wanted to ask, how much fun do you have coming up with progressively more and more creative and devasting insults? And have you ever had any coming out in the moment you’re writing that you went back to edit later and thought ‘hmm, maybe too far’?
Crucible of Chaos and Play of Shadows both allowed for me to play with insults in different ways. Estevar can be such a pompous arse at times and thus the insults and challenges he delivers to those who get in his way can become rather . . . extravagant. With Play of Shadows, we’re dealing with theatre actors, so naturally, the various jibes and taunts take on a loquacious, almost Shakespearean style. Both are fun to write, though Estevar’s in Crucible of Chaos tend to come in more serious moments and therefore can’t be quite as over-the-top as some of Abastrini’s in Play of Shadows.
As to going too far, I’ve never found myself thinking an insult within a story went too far; only that I have to remind myself that sometimes less is more. I can get a bit expansive in the banter department at times.
We do love the banter though! You’ve also said that Estevar is your favourite new Greatcoat to write, can you tell us how come? Aside for being the supernatural detective extraordinaire that he is, and for having Imperious the mule as his companion, that is.
What I love about writing Estevar is that he’s significantly smarter than I am, which means I never know how he’s going to solve the next puzzle. There’s something about his personality that makes him first tell us he’s figured it out and then reveal it to us, which means I end up writing him already confident he knows what’s going on and then having to guess at what the hell he’s talking about. I imagine that in real life Estevar would consider me something of a slow-witted dolt.
What also made Crucible compelling to me was how, in this book, you employed from the get-go, a trope that is usually present in stories some time after the protagonist is introduced and shown at the peak of their abilities; that is showing them stripped of all their advantages. In this case, Estevar’s greatcoat with all its knick-knacks, and his physical health given he goes into this investigation mortally wounded. What made you want to introduce Estevar to the readers this way, with this subverted character arc of sorts?
I gave Estevar the wound from his recent duel as a constant reminder throughout the story that his arrogance is often his undoing. Don’t get me wrong – Estevar’s arrogance is part of what makes him a delight to write. But in a novel about monks questioning which gods they should or shouldn’t worship, I wanted my main character to be questioning his own faith. In Estevar’s case, that faith is in the law and himself.
The loss of his greatcoat early on was important to me not as a way to make life harder for Estevar but simply as a price for saving Imperious. As much fun as that peculiar relationship can be, I wanted it to be genuine. Estevar doesn’t view Imperious as a useful beast of burden, but as a friend or – as Estevar himself might put it – a comrade.
You also play on juxtapositions very well, it’s safe to say, and one thing I’ve seen quite a few times in your writing overall is the presence of a seemingly stalwart and strong or a larger than life figure, that is paired with a much smaller and delicate one in a scene. Be it literally or metaphorically. I can think of several examples, for instance Beretto and Damelas in more than a few moments of Play, or Rhyleis and old Mags. Even Cade and Corrigan from The Malevolent Seven. But I want to focus on that very specific moment between Estevar and Caeda in Crucible, where, in the face of her momentary fraught fragility, it becomes imperative for him to keep the act going. Because it brings out the true vulnerability of all parties, doesn’t it? It’s like trying to hold onto a cracked porcelain cup that you already know or fear will fall apart the moment you ease on the pressure.
For me, it’s about compassion. There’s something wonderful, almost miraculous, about genuine compassion. Often we can be empathetic with those whom we share a common set of traits, yet be comfortable treating those who don’t share our backgrounds or views with disgust and even cruelty. Compassion, though – the kind of compassion that Ferius Parfax displays and turns almost into a kind preternatural talent in the Spellslinger and Argosi books – that’s real magic.
William Goldman, the legendary screenwriter of The Princess Bride and Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid used to say that what got to him most in a book or movie was something he called “stupid courage” – a kind of reckless bravery in the face of certain doom. For me, it’s improbable compassion: a moment when someone is kind when we’d otherwise expect them to be dismissive.
In the moment to which I think you’re referring between Estevar and Caeda, he’s already figured out who she is and what’s really happened, and yet, he knows that even if she knows deep down, too, she’s not ready to accept it. The porcelain cup – to use your analogy – is cracked, but not yet broken, and he wants to give it a chance to hold together – to be a cup and not a shattered, forgotten object – a little longer.
An example of this that is even more potent for me is the moment you mention between Rhyleis and Old Mags in Play of Shadows: not because of how Rhyleis gives Mags a chance to be a musician, but because of how moments later, when Vadris the drug peddler, who’s been an arse the entire book, has the chance to shatter Mags’ newfound confidence and instead reassures her, and in so doing, creates space for his own redemption.
Those improbable moments of compassion are my version of Goldman’s “stupid courage”. They get me every time.
Those are the moments that get me most as well, they are such a treat to read and make for lots of food for thought.
How about some lighter questions to wrap up? Is there anything you’re always hoping someone will ask you about in interviews but so far, you’ve never gotten the chance to mention?
“Excuse me, sir? I just found this huge bag of money. Is it yours, by chance?”
Now that’d be handy! Do you have a story idea that you love, or you’ve had kicking around in your mind, maybe even gotten started on a few times, but haven’t been able to make it work yet?
Ages ago, when I first sat down to write the manuscript that would become Traitor’s Blade, I had an entirely different idea about a story featuring four septuagenarian women in an old age home in the aftermath of a flood that’s cut off the town from outside help and vampires have come to feast on those left behind. The old women kick the vampires’ arses.
Ok, but I definitely need the kickass septuagenarians so please don’t let that idea go. I think I speak for everyone in saying we’d love to see it one day.
Would you give us two recommendations, one for a book you’ve read and loved recently and another for a book you think fans of your work would enjoy?
I recently had the rare privilege of reading a manuscript from the legendary Ellen Kushner (author of Swordspoint). I can’t tell you anything about it, but it was terrific fun to read and fans of her unique blend of Jane Austen-esque fantasy have a treat in store.
Those who enjoy my books and have yet to read Jhereg by Steven Brust . . . what are you waiting for? It’s fantastic!
Oooh eyes peeled then. Finally, is there anything you can tell us about any future books? Personally, I can’t wait for Our Lady of Blades!
Well, let’s see . . .
• I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be announcing this yet, but fans of mercenary mages who go around blowing things up and swearing constantly will have much to celebrate come Spring 2025.
• Our Lady of Blades, the most challenging book I’ve ever attempted (and hopefully the best), will be coming out in the Fall of 2025.
• One way or another, my quirky mystery novel is coming out within the next year. Soon thereafter, a very, very secret science fiction project written with a fellow author that I think will make a big splash.
• Fans of Ferius Parfax might be interested to know I’ve already written the fourth book, though I’m not yet sure when it’ll be coming out or from which publisher.
• Both Spellslinger and the Greatcoats have been optioned for film and television and, I believe, currently being shopped to studios. Who knows if anything will come of it, but you never know!
Well now I am positively vibrating with excitement for all that is to come! Thank you again for taking the time to answer my questions here today, it was such a pleasure getting the chance to pick your brain!
My pleasure. Thanks for the insightful questions!

So, my ex and I broke up. As I’m sure you can tell 😕 I’ll give some backstory.
We hadn’t seen each other in over a month, and I was going to be starting a new job soon so I’d have significantly less time to spend with her. So I asked her to hang out on multiple occasions. Going out, coming over and relaxing with her, just ya know simple stuff. She was either busy working or needed rest from the long work week, which was true. I never doubted that. She did work a lot. But my brain had other ideas. See, I’ve been through a LOT of shit. Cheated on, lied to, ghosted, you name it. Every time I went through shit like that, I lost a piece of myself. My PTSD got so bad that any time something good was happening, I always assumed something bad was around the corner. I could never believe that I deserved happiness, and that life would come knocking and tear down even the smallest bit of hope or goodness happening. When she told me she was busy whenever I asked, I knew in my heart she was telling the truth, but my brain kept shouting at me, telling me it was a lie. Saying she didn’t wanna see me, I’m annoying, I’m not wanted, she’s preparing to leave me, shit like that. Mind you, we had been dating three months and let me fucking tell you, it was the best three months of life. I knew within the first month and a half that this was it. This was the one. Anyway, I sent her a long message about how I was feeling and what was happening, reassuring her that everything happening had absolutely nothing to do with her. My brain takes my trauma and tries to apply it whenever something goes a different way. At first, she apologized saying that I shouldn’t have had to go through such hard times, and what she could do to fix it. I told her it wasn’t something that was her responsibility. She isn’t supposed to fix me or put me back together. That’s my job. But then she went on to say things like “I don’t know why you don’t trust me and the things I say and that I’m secure in what we have.” “I am tired of not being seen and I’m not going to ask anyone to see me.” “You projected on me in a big way” “I’m not mad I promise but I don’t know if you’re gonna believe that either.” And then she said it. The sentence that ripped my whole world to shreds. “I don’t think this relationship is a healthy choice. I don’t see a way forward after this.” At first, I blamed myself for everything. I should’ve had this conversation in person, rather than over text. That was my first mistake. I still cry to this day because it was the happiest I’d ever been in a relationship. I found my dream girl. The last person I wanted to be with. My friends kept telling me it wasn’t my fault, and that I should be able to talk about my feelings with my partner. But I knew, deep down, it was my fault. I just couldn’t figure out why. Then yesterday, it hit me. When she said she didn’t feel seen, that’s what hit me. She reassured me all the time about us. And I kept pushing it down, when it was right in front of me, trying to subconsciously prepare myself for her leaving me, since I’ve been through it so much. I pushed her away. I made her feel like all the effort she put in was for nothing. I made her feel like no matter what, I'd never be able to fully trust her. She felt like she would never be enough. I chased her away. I finally realized it. I was at work when I was thinking about it, and I stopped driving and just started bawling my eyes out. I screwed up. The best part of my life, the best woman I've ever had, the full package, left, because of me. I sabotaged my own relationship. She was the one, and I blew it. And now I'm going to spend a lot of nights wishing I could take it back. I made a mistake. I fucked up. I'm never going to be able to forgive myself for that. So much has been taken from me in this life, and I'm supposed to let her go? I can't. I just can't. I've tried everything in terms of getting her back, I wrote notes, I messaged her roommates, stuff like that. I didn't wanna be the crazy ex boyfriend so I've just been sitting at work and at home thinking about it and I can't even focus on anything. I can't sleep. Food has no taste. Everything is heavy. My hobbies are boring now. It was so bad that I had to have my roommate delete her number and pictures because I didn't have the strength to do it myself. I do not know what else to do. It seems like everything I touch, comes to ruin. She's gone, but I can't help but have that 1 tiny slither of hope that she will return. I miss her so much, and I really really wish I could fix everything. But I can't. And I don't know what to do. I failed.

i have pics to share but the pictures are on the pc. how do I move the pictures from the broken harddrive to google chrome and other things today. im ignoring the narc in the room and im just dreading monday thru friday at court. as i have taken a vow to NOT follow any SCOTUS data until May 1st, I firt thought, I will quit law, I will quit everything then I realized no grasshopper doglogic, just dont quit anything, stay involed into life.
then it donned on me the narc in the room has no power over me but im afraid of the person but the person has or can have power over me and i fear it. just like anyone...thats why potus's that dont make me sick or need zofran matter. hey, i care about everyone. i draw, paint, you should see, i will post the maddness here the phone is hooked up and i found out why i cant upload to yoututbe the app isnt installed so i learned that. i thought I learned this in 2020. yes, the truly stupud and lost walk among you.
im upset at the past potus gaslithgty dig on social media. its a dog whistle. its a manilpulation of some kind every single thing any narc does is...maybe im unhappy maybe donald is right. omg the ruminating, spinning, brain fog, torment, i haaaaaatttttttteeeeee men 43+ what monsters you all are! all! all! all bad! not all bad im mad at you donald i want to drop out of this race right now. drop out. that would make me happy because im losing or LOST pple to this cult matter.
doglogic was brilliant! look what happened? all I do is talk about the dog logic and another case falls outta the sky!

Hi, my dissociation was triggered after a high dose weed trip and has been there non-stop for 2 years (I haven't smoked since).
After this began, I noticed that the memories of my life feel like a blur. I can't recall specifics on any of my long term memories, and they are more like a few mental pictures rather than a recollection of chronological events. I'm not sure if that is something that was there before the trip or not though. I hardly have any memories from my childhood it's like I was an entirely different person during that time.
I can't think of any exact traumatic experiences that caused this constant disscociation, but I don't understand why I would have this amnesia of my life if there was nothing my brain is trying to block. One possibility could be that I had a bad trip, I have almost no memory of the trip, so is it possible for the brain to completely block this traumatic experience, or does amnesia usually only block the details?
It's also possible the dissociation was already there and the weed made it more obvious to me. The only other thing that might have seriously affected me was being bullied in primary school - which has led to a lot of social anxiety that I have now. But I'd doubt that's enough to completely shut down my brain.
Anyway I've been circling with this around my head for a while. It's always in the back of my mind that maybe something happened that my mind is protecting me from, or maybe I'm just an anxious person and the anxiety is prolonging the dissociation.

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship since high school. My parents and her parents have always thought we were a really great match. We're part of the same Taiwanese church and unless you really know about churches like this it's kind of hard to explain the pressure but everyone is basically waiting for us to graduate college and get married.
We're in a long distance relationship and we each go to different universities. I visit her once a month. It's about a 3 hour drive from my school to hers, and we're like 4 hours away from the big city where we're from.
She admitted to me earlier this year she's been hooking up with this white guy in her dorm and I asked her to please stop, that I can forgive it but she has to stop doing it. She said it just happened after they spent a lot of time together working on some project but they both have urges and can't keep their hands off each other.
The worst was this weekend I went to visit her, and she was supposed to come down to sign me in at the front desk of the dorm but she texted me that she's busy with him and she has to take a shower and I have to wait. I know they were having sex.
I got really mad at her and she told me that whats going on with them isn't serious and she's still happy to be in a relationship with me but I have to accept that she's going to have sex with him on a pretty regular basis and if I'm ok with that then everything is fine. I said it was fine, but it really wasn't.
She has pictures of his dick on her laptop and phone and I asked her to delete them and she said no. It really fucked with my brain because it's a lot nicer looking and bigger than mine.
One of my friends told me to just break up with her but they don't understand how complicated this is with the church and it's better if we can just work something out.
This whole thing really sucks. How do I convince her to just stop with this?

I hit 1000 hours on 4/25.
Other posts: 600 Hours 300 Hours
It feels amazing to see four digits. Back when I had hit 600, I was a little tired at first and thought, no rush, I’ll keep steady with my two-hour goal and get there by summer. But as I got closer, I was doing more and more each day. After hitting about 900 hours and switching to advanced videos, the hours added up quickly.
Looking back at my four goals from my level 5 update, 1-2 are complete and 3 is set up. 4 is a fall goal that I seem to be on track for. Goal one was 700 by January, which I accomplished. Goal two was 1000 by June or a stretch goal of April and I hit the stretch goal! Goal three is to speak a lot during the summer vacation. I have about one speaking class per week set up right now, starting today, and am working on setting up a 7-10 day trip to LATAM to do some volunteer work so I can practice using Spanish vs. just taking a vacation when it can be easier to not use Spanish as much.
During the phase of 600-800 hours I spent my time mostly in intermediate DS and binge listened to How to Spanish podcast (I tend to take the approach of input being easier, so harder things were accessible, but prefer to stay lower until it gets boring). I also watched the first season on La Casa De Flores on Netflix. It was a little difficult, but I could follow the story. There were just some little things here and there I’m sure I missed. I watched without subs of any kind, not even Spanish, and overall it was fine. I haven't tried the second season and don’t know if I will because while it was interesting, it isn’t necessarily something I think I’d like. I’d prefer more story and less everyone sleeping with everyone else. So I may look for some other thing to watch at some point, but am busy for about one more month until the school year ends (I’m a teacher, not a student, I’m old…ok, not really, just 31).
At some point after 800 hours and as I approached 900 hours I finished previous podcasts and started No Hay Tos. I think their podcast is a little harder than How to Spanish as they speak a bit faster and more casually, but I enjoyed it. I did skip over all the special episodes though as I found they just used a lot of English to explain these words and phrases, so I’ve been sticking to regular episodes. I did tire of it though and have listened to a few over the past 100 hours, but am not binging it anymore. I also listened to half of the episodes of El Oso Latino. I think the speaker is very fun, but there is so much music in there and the chronicas del gringo section is so cringy, I couldn’t finish it. The second speaker learned Spanish and overall he sounds fine, but the way he pronounces the “r” sounds like he is choking or something and I can’t take the sound. It felt like it wasn’t the best use of the little time I had each day for input. But if one wants Peruvian input, it’s only 26 episodes and not active anymore, so could be interesting. I ended up switching to a native podcast Qué Cacao, which is great as she speaks very clearly and her voice is very calming. During the last 50 hours or so, I’ve use my commute to listen to Se Habla Español, which I had tried last year when I had like 300 hours and it was way too difficult. Now it is easy and it’s fun to listen to clips from famous people and I think I may be learning a lot of names of actors, writers, etc. It is Spain content. I don’t strictly adhere to a certain accent, even though I’d prefer Mexican because most of the people I work with that I want to interact in Spanish with come from Mexico. I just follow what’s interesting and accessible.
With Dreaming Spanish, as I was getting closer to 900 I found intermediate had started to become boring for me. There weren’t too many new topics that stood out and made me want to watch and I felt like I wasted time scrolling. So I just looked up the rest of Pablo’s stories, which had always been hard for me, and I watched the rest. I was about 50/50 with getting the ending or not. I would always understand the main story, but sometimes he would say the ending and I’d think “Wait, what?” Other times I’d be able to see it coming. Then I switched to advanced and it was a game changer! My interest grew and I’ve spent basically all of the time minus driving on DS instead of podcasts or other things because there are SO MANY more interesting videos in advanced. There are some that are a little hard to understand, so I did sort by easy for a bit, but now it seems like most are fine. Occasionally if one is hard, I just stop and know I’ll come back to it later. The nice thing about advanced as well is that I have been able to use many like a podcast (I do have the premium podcast feed) so I can use those with my commute as well since the majority don’t rely on having images.
From 900 to now, these are some native youtube channels I’ve come across, mostly just popped up in recommended, that I’ve been enjoying and are comfortable for me: Cocinando Corea, Mila, Anita Mateu, News channels like BBC News Mundo and France 24 en Español, Nekijitablog
I have multiple others saved, but haven’t had the time to watch any videos to know the level.
As I moved from 600 to 1000 I think I went through times, like most intermediate learners, where I felt like I was comfortable listening and understood a lot, then times where it felt like I had so much more to learn and it was difficult. But I would say the most noticeable difference in feeling much more comfortable was somewhere around 900. That’s when it felt like I actually had a chance to speak and understand well by 1000. So if you’re in the 800s feeling doubtful, wait for the 900s and it may feel better. Of course, every person has unique circumstances that may put them a little ahead or behind, so patience in general because it will come in time. It’s wild to me to think that a little over a year ago I struggled with super beginner videos, but now I understand when native speakers talk to me and I can watch native content and follow along compared to the failures I felt over a decade ago with 3 years of being one of the “best” students in high school Spanish classes but not being able to speak or understand when I went to a trip in Mexico and later on with Korean, being so slow and choppy when trying to speak, both done with traditional grammar study to learn instead of acquire.
Reading since 950
At about 950 hours I decided I would start reading. I started by switching my phone over to Spanish. This has been fine. I think there was only once where I felt uncertain and moved to my desktop, but 99% of the time it’s fine. Using the phone in Spanish even helped with a word that has been standing out to me but haven’t quite figured the meaning. Then I saw it on my phone and thought, That’s the word! So I knew in at least one context of the meaning. I have a couple books, but haven’t really been able to get to them as much as I would have liked because I’ve just been hyper focused on the input to hit 1000. But I have read two of the stories from Olly Richards Short Stories in Spanish (I had bought it over a year ago before DS). The first story was easy, the second a little harder, but I followed the story fine. I don’t know that I’d say it was the ideal 98% or higher known words as Beniko Mason’s research shows is ideal, but working with what I have to get started. I also found Hábitos Atómicos at my library. I’ve read and I own the book in English, so I thought why not. I was planning to finish the short stories book first then read it, but now someone else put it on hold, so I’ve read the intro and first chapter. I’ll have to return it to the library tomorrow, so I’ll try to read a few more pages, then may try to put it on hold myself to get again in a month or so. I was surprised that it wasn’t super difficult. Again, a fair amount of unknown words, but having read it before I think helped. Many libraries where I live do have Spanish sections in both adults and kids so I may see if there are some middle grade novels in Spanish to try and read and see how those go. It’s easy to find picture books, but would like to find something with a bit of length. That’s maybe the downside to the short stories book is that each story is just three chapters or about 10-15 pages max. With reading so far, I’ve noticed it’s like when I had around 300 hours and when I would try to listen to more than 2 hours a day, my brain was just tired. It’s like that with reading. I don’t have the stamina to keep reading for a long time, but I’m sure it will grow quickly as I read more. I wonder if it would be less noticeable if I find a middle grade novel to read where I can get into a story and follow characters for a longer time. Long term, I will track my number of words read, first goal being 1 million words, then hitting 3 million. After that point I wouldn’t bother to count my words. I only plan to track as I finish a book then record how many words it was roughly.
Speaking at 1000 hours
Yesterday I had my first conversation in Spanish. In the past year I’ve had some crosstalk experience, but not as much I would have liked. It’s just been difficult to schedule with my work and family life. Yesterday I was nervous, but in the days leading up to it, I had sentences and mini conversations in my head about what I could say and was surprised that I could pretty easily come up with sentences. When I actually spoke I don’t know that it was as fluid as it was in my head, but I was able to have a conversation for 45 minutes. It was with a tutor that I had not met before so we didn’t know anything about each other. I would say I failed to ask any questions. I think I was pretty nervous and mostly was just trying to explain my ideas. As a person that loves to talk a lot in English, it was difficult in that I couldn’t say exactly what I wanted to say or talk at the speed I usually do. There were certainly words that I couldn’t figure out what to use, but could talk my way around them for the most part. Sometimes I tried explaining and then paused to avoid trying to say something in English because that was a bad habit I had as a language learner in the past. So I am happy to say I only said an English word once. I don’t even remember what it was I couldn’t say. Realized I was trying to use a lot of different verbs and she said, just use “fui” you don’t need to use all those other verbs, using a form of “ir” is way easier. I did record the conversation, so sometime I’ll try to listen back and see how it seemed. The tutor said at the end that my pronunciation was very good and I didn’t have a gringo accent (yay!). I think she was being overly nice when she said she wouldn’t have been able to tell I was a native English speaker, because I noticed some words that sounded funny to my ear. She thought overall my speaking was pretty good and I only made some small mistakes here and there. Some of them I noticed right after as well, so I am curious to compare speaking the first time to after speaking for 10 hours. I feel like it will get better quickly as the nervousness of never speaking before wears off. Like at first, in my head there was a little anxiety about the “rs” but later when I was more comfortable the words spilled out more easily. What I will say is that my brain was focused on just saying what I wanted to say even if I had to find away around the word and NOT on thinking about the grammar and how to form a sentence like was always my struggle with Korean. Occasionally got stuck on a verb conjugation, so then I just said it in the infinitive if I didn’t really know so that I could keep talking.
I plan to track my speaking hours separately from my input so I have a little spreadsheet I’ve started to track the hours. Not sure how long I’d track and may not bother to record every conversation, but maybe more like classes, just to have a little data on changes I notice at 10 hours, 50 hours, 100 hours, etc. because I am interested in applying this method to other languages in the future and implement changes to language learning in schools in America, so I believe data will be helpful, even if it is anecdotal. It can be a jumping off point if I ever do get into a doctoral program and try to do some real research.
2024 Plans and Goals

1. Have conversations in Spanish at least once a week through summer and convince my many bilingual friends to talk to me in Spanish instead of English.
2. Travel to LATAM this summer (country to be determined soon).
3. In fall, be comfortable conversing with new students to my ESL classes in Spanish when explaining how I run classes.
4. 1250 hours by fall, 1500 by the end of the year. This is pretty conservative and I have currently dropped my daily goal from 120 min to 60 min, but expect to go over that most days. I just want to give myself room to take a break now and then and have time for reading and speaking.

Reflecting on the Roadmap at Level 6
If I look back to level 5, I would say with speaking, it sounds spot on with what I can do at level 5, which makes sense if I think about how level 6 is the largest span, with 500 hours from beginning to end so it makes sense that I can’t say right now that I am “conversationally fluent.” I think I would need more time with conversation before I could accurate reflect on this. With the one conversation I have had as of now, I would say what level 5 says fits me, so I look forward to at some point in level 6 hit this “conversationally fluent” ability where I can pretty much say what I need. I would say in terms of listening, however, I would be fine. I imagine I could be part of a conversation where I occasionally give some input, but am more of a listener in the situation. I have no trouble listening to speakers say something to me minus an odd word here or there. Funny, I just typed that and read the “what you are learning” section and is says “You may find the odd common word that you haven’t learned yet…” so I guess that’s true! I will certainly focus on the “what I need to do” section with lots of authentic media, listening, reading, and trying to make friends in Spanish. I’ve felt the roadmap has been pretty accurate for me and imagine as I work through level six I will feel the same.

Facts about moi:

• I work with smol humans for a living. I’m sure you can put two and two together.
• I’m somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. I just don’t know exactly where? I like what I like, ya know?
• One of my favorite past-time activities is trying to put together legos high.
• Listening to music high is also an experience (I do Delta since that’s what’s legal. If you’re anti-weed, then we aren’t a match. I don’t do it allll the time. I’m too broke for that life).
• Green Day is one of my favorite bands. I’ve been listening to them since I was 10!
  • The obsession was real. My ten-year-old self had a binder about the members with all the facts and pictures of them (Mostly Billie, he was my crush…and still is).
• I love love love traveling.
  • Please don’t be a giant grouch on vacations. Coworkers complain about their spouse being a shit on trips. Naw. Naw. I also like staying in, of course! But I’m not a homebody. I struggled during the COVID shutdown. Being cooped up SUCKED
• I have a spicy brain
  • I’m super duper ADHD. Fun times! I’m also like an anxious puppy. Woop woop.
• The most organized thing in my life is this list
• I like going to concerts. So, it’d be cool if you liked them too! Extra points if you like Dayseeker!
  • Would you want me to go alone and possibly get kidnapped? :(
• The Office and Parks and Rec are two of my favorite shows. I also like Bob’s Burgers and Avatar The Last Airbender.

Why you should date me:

• We can listen to emo bands together whenever you want Emo music can mean many things and I’m OK with that.
• You won’t get food poisoning from my cooking I can make more than Hamburger Helper and frozen pizzas. Though, the ranch burger hamburger helper is my fave.
  • Mexican is my favorite but I have no idea how to make that.
• I’m suuuper short. So, if you’re insecure about your height, I gotchu. I’ll make you feel tall..or taller!
  • I don’t care about height and it makes me sad that people feel insecure about something they can’t change.
• I’m a great small spoon…but I guess if you REALLY insist, I can be a jetpack.
• I’ll support your weird interests…even if it’s being a clown at birthday parties.

I need help figuring out my type. after months of (casual) reading into socionics, and some superficial introspection, I have concluded I fit generally into ESE. but I often doubt my own judgment, and I'm very unsure of myself, (and also intellectually dependent on others, but more on that later lol) I wanted a second opinion. I'll be listing off random observations of my behaviocognition/some things about myself off the top of my head, and I hope the more knowledgeable people here could assess me based on those things. I know that it isn't enough to really understand someone and you could never really know a stranger through some post online, but like I said, I just need a second opinion/perspective to get some insight and this post is rather an experimental attempt to help me in typing myself correctly. and since the information may not be enough, I give liberty to assume things about me/my personality or nature based on what I say/claim about myself, and I also would like complete/brutal honesty, maybe I'd find out something I didn't realize about myself before. but just give a heads-up when you type me based on those assumptions. I'm a bit young, and my identity is unclear and unstable, sorry if I may come across as inept in describing/explaining myself, and excuse me if I make mistakes/contradicting statements, I really don't know myself that well and just say whatever comes to mind. I rant and ramble a lot, and I would often go on random tangents. so, if this post is too long for you, and you want to comment, just read the first part of every paragraph or skim through it, and give your take if you'd like. and if you have any questions, ask away.

• I'm generally very indecisive due to the fear of being wrong, so I often fall into this state of ambivalence about most things. I hate assuming things quickly/making hasty judgments. paradoxically, though, I hate uncertainty very much, and I'm very impulsive and would rush into things/judge quickly. and most of the time I tend to think quickly about things and I'm very impatient with sitting down and thinking with myself/introspection, and I generally hate thinking about things for an extended period of time, because I often feel like I already get the jist of it and I want to move on. and I would assume/judge rapidly and excessively in situations of anxiety or fear if that makes sense. I'm a hypochondriac, and I think in terms of 'what if' a lot (maybe just as a precaution), so I would often assume the worst, or at least the possibility of a terrible disease/prospective event would loom over my head all the time that I would find myself considering it and panicking, and would need reassurance/evidence that it isn't true. and I often have this paranoid thing where I project my thoughts and fears into others and think they see me in a certain way/badly, and read into remarks, things, and situations too much and sometimes things that just aren't there, which makes me very socially anxious and shy, which I generally am. when decisions are too complex or difficult to make, I would go back into indecisiveness and procrastinate/postpone it for a long time because I feel it is too burdensome/big for me. just to add, even though I said I think quickly, I do tend to overthink quite a lot. I used to have a good understanding and my thoughts and ideas would flow into a smooth, coherent picture of things, but nowadays, I feel very confused and my thoughts are inchoerent and scattered, so I tend to think deeply and slowly about things more than I used to, I guess.
• I think I am socially perceptive and understand atmospheres, societal rules/etiquette, and what people are thinking or feeling through their expressions, body language, and what they say, even though sometimes my perception could be warped due to anxiety. I don't think I completely understand and get others, it's rather a situation-by-situation basis (does that sentence even make sense? not sure). mentioning social anxiety, although I fear social interactions due to my low self-esteem and lack of any social experience, I think I'm social in the way that when I am in an environment I'm comfortable in, I am very energetic and talkative, to the point of annoying/irritating those around me, I cannot sit still and always have to do something. I always like to do something with my body and I love physical activities. I also really love singing, and it's childish, but I would start singing and humming randomly every day, it's become a habit of mine for years. I think I know how to make others enjoy themselves and be entertaining, and would often use silly/shocking humor to create an energetic or comfortable atmosphere if that makes sense. I think I'm quite expressive, I tend to speak fast when I'm excited or general to get all the words out before I forget to the point of being incomprehensible to others, I would also express and describe things excessively like I'm doing right now in this post, lol, to leave no room for doubt I think. I always share anything that I've learned or seen, and anything that comes to mind with others, and it's hard to keep anything to myself. I like to share my interests and likes and dislikes a lot, and if given the chance, I would sit and speak for hours about them. in general, I really can't sit alone with myself and without talking to someone, it drives me insane. though, I am afraid of being sincere/honest/vulnerable with others, and like to keep certain thoughts and aspects of myself, to myself. and I hate it so much and feel genuinely indignant when others notice and find out those things about me without me telling them, especially when they point it out and act like they know who I am because they can be spot-on sometimes, which makes me feel even more upset. I tend to hide things that I would feel would cause problems in my relations, however, when I'm nervous, it's impossible to control my expressions and keep naturally playing a persona, and people just know, it's really hard to hide things, lol. although I love attention, I hate directing focus to me/being in the spotlight to not disappoint those who are interested in listening to me because I think I would be too dull or boring for them, but that's a common experience I think. I would also get others to talk about themselves a lot so they would enjoy the validation I give them and in turn, enjoy my company.
• I'm very envious of others, and anyone who I perceive as better than me, especially in terms of intelligence and personality, specifically someone similar to me in certain areas. I would become very upset and frustrated. it's to the point where only envy and the desire to become better are the only things that motivate me to get better or work hard. I often feel this need to be better, I cannot accept the idea that I can be below others. I guess I'm entitled/egotistic in a way. I also feel envious of people belonging to similar groups as me and the same age having had more experiences in life.
• I'm very intellectually dependent and generally lack any kind of dependence, unfortunately. I'm probably going too hard with the self-criticism, but I'm quite conforming and fear social judgment/pressure, and particularly shame, so I would be unwilling/afraid to voice a differing/controversial opinion and affect people's opinion and favor towards me. I'm very self-conscious about how I am perceived, and I hate disappointing others. and even though I hold socially "unacceptable" opinions and think others are wrong, I would let them be and just agree for the sake of harmony, and even feed into their wrong beliefs with anecdotes and remarks to please them, even if I, mentally, vehemently disagree, as I really want to be liked by others/people-pleasing. it's a bit like I don't bother explaining myself because I know I can't defend myself properly/feel unsafe, and no one will get it, and it's better to make others happy and/or okay with me. it's hard for me to be sincere and "raw" in face-to-face or overly personal interactions, because it seems I haven't met people yet who are understanding or that I'm completely comfortable with. however, I'm comfortable in expressing myself and being vulnerable and honest to an extent in non-personal interactions and relationships, like speaking to strangers on the internet like this, I feel like I can be as liberated and "shameless" as I want, and I honestly have always wished for a group of people where I could be brutally honest and straightforward, and who would accept and understand me, where I could freely express myself in all aspects and to be understood completely without being attacked or having to act defensively. and I have this problem where I would focus on conforming to the collective thought and the majority's opinions out of the (stupid) mindset that, because it's popular, it is often the right opinion. so, when I hold a differing opinion or a thought, it would frequently be squashed and ignored in my mind quickly, and I would adopt others' mindsets/opinions. and when I see others speaking out confidently with the same ideas I was afraid to speak for, I feel bad about myself and frustrated for being such a sheep/lacking confidence, lol. it seems that I often am weak/impatient in terms of logic and often leave the thinking for others, and I would need to seek validation for any observation I make or conclusion I reach. and even then, I also rely on others with ethical issues, where I would wait for others to decide/discuss if something is "good or bad/right or wrong" before I take my stance. this type of behavior is also present in my interests/hobbies. it's a little weird, but I would find myself paying attention to the reception of the media I consume, and I would get a kick out of watching others enjoy/appreciate something even if my true level of interest is low, and my interest/liking to that thing would increase drastically when it's well-liked. on the opposite end, if the reception is bad, it would heavily influence my opinion even if I personally liked something or thought it was good. I would think maybe I didn't pay attention/didn't notice something about said media, and chalk it up to lacking media literacy, I'm intellectually dependent in that aspect also, where I would trust others' minds more than my own due to insecurities around my intelligence probably. but contrastingly, when I truly like something, or have a hobby/interest, I'm quite weirdly possessive and competitive about it, like it's my work/duty, and hate that others consume/enjoy it the same way as I do, and I hate the thought that someone understands and appreciates my interests more than me. it's like I attribute it to my identity, and no one else could have it. this is probably to compensate for something, maybe it's that I feel like I lack any redeemable qualities and need to compensate (sorry for using this word so many times.) for my lack of self-worth. I'm trying to change this, as it's a detestable and bothersome trait that I would not like to be at the receiving end of. if you've read this far, I'm sure you really dislike me based on this.
• I also think I lack real intellectual curiosity, and that I am more superficial than I'd like to admit to myself. I used to take pride in my intelligence but now I am very insecure about it and have feelings of inferiority regarding my competence. now, it feels like I try hard to sound and seem smart and "deep" to make up for those feelings. I often get into philosophical/metaphysical discussions and make up theories about random things, and talk a lot of jargon probably in a silly attempt to feed my ego, and rather use it to "Adorn" my identity and personality, which is something I do a lot. I'm also very afraid of being dumb, and if I notice any slight difference in my cognitive performance, I panic over becoming dumber. if I'm not satisfied with my mind/mental state, life just becomes completely pointless/meaningless for me.
• I like to think I, or at least used to (I now have a bad case of brain fog, lol) make sharp observations. I also used to think I make connections and gauge fundamental ideas/patterns well, but now I suffer from brain fog and I don't think I'm like that anymore. and, for what it's worth, my sister told me I'm good at analysis, and criticism too. it boosted my ego because it is related to my intelligence. (kind of the same as "my mom told me I'm handsome" but she totally meant it, I swear!)
• I'm often cheerful/stable and don't like to linger for too long in states of despair and pessimism and I hate that kind of mindset because I see it's too pointless and people should focus and seek the good things in life. it's just an automatic thought for me, though I know it's too superficial. But I do really hate negativity and staunchly cold and pessimistic things. in the media, like books or movies, I consume, I prefer more "hopeful," intense, and emotionally charged storylines that focus on people and interpersonal affairs, and I find myself not very interested in detached and cold, plot-driven, intellectual works even if well-written, if that makes sense. even if the narrative is inherently meant to be melancholic/tragic, I would enjoy the intensity and dramatism of it, as long as it is involved with the characters and their feelings. I guess I'd enjoy it/get immersed only as long as it's emotionally expressive, to a degree.
• my feelings towards others and level of empathy are swayed by my mood at the moment, I disconnect from people when I'm troubled or in a bad mental state, where I just focus on myself and disregard others. I would even lose interest and feelings towards people I care about sometimes when I'm not in a very good mood, but maybe it is due to other mental issues or an unstable connection with others.
• I consider myself open-minded to a degree, and I don't have any strong opinions, and it's easy for me to change my mind unless it is something that restricts my desires and freedom. otherwise, I don't put too much value on any opinion because I'm never certain of anything/don't really believe anything is constant. I also feel like I'm really malleable logically and ethically, and can be swayed and influenced by others heavily. I would often speak out in extremes, and say things I don't mean, but in my mind, I never really seriously judge someone on their actions, moral-wise, and I don't think I inherently think of anyone as good or bad, or rather, my opinions are dictated by the judgments of others in that case. it might just be my sense of morality hasn't developed fully yet. I'm not very logical/moralistic in my decisions, and often just follow my heart and desires, and when I judge others, it is situational and depending on the person, and I tend to be subjective/emotional. All in all, I do not find myself often, I won't say rarely, getting upset at a perceived wrongdoing of another person, I don't get seriously angry or feel vengeful, though I used to be. but now more often I feel pity and sympathy for the wronged. when I do something that is perceived as wrong, I might use logic to justify/rationalize my behavior. it's not that I don't have values or principles, I do have a rather strong belief against hurting others and/or restricting their freedom and desires as I wish for myself, and people who do so or use violence for the sake of any idea, belief, ideology, etc., I just don't get, and the logic is fuzzy to me. I generally am averse to extremism of any kind, I feel that believing yourself to be so right is insane and dangerous, and I'm very open about criticizing the fault and/or illogicality in such mindsets. I tend to have the urge to be contrarian and contradict others who make definitive statements and claim things/make generalizations because I hate absolutes, but I'm unsure how prominent this trait is in me, though. I also tend to be passive-aggressive/ironic in arguments or when discussing controversial topics when I feel like I'm being shut down or unjustly oppressed. I'm unsure about any of this, or if it is true, honestly, I might just be rambling lol.
• I'm very unserious and carefree in my general interactions and communication style, often making silly jokes and quips, make fun out of, and finding humor in every and any situation, and can provoke and irritate others quite frequently. I feel like this "silly" persona is also a defense mechanism of sorts. however, when I'm meeting new people, I am very shy and polite, speak little and very quietly, and I would be very anxious. it'd take me quite a long time to let loose like I do at home or around those really close to me depending on how I much I respect and care about the person I'm meeting's opinion of me. In general, with all people in my life, I tend to hide my intentions and thoughts that I feel could im
• as a child, I used to be very angry, selfish, and demanding, and I would be stubborn and act out to get what I wanted. I had this mindset that when I wanted something, I could sway my parents at any time to get it. I used to be a brat and caused trouble for those around me. I was neurotic and very envious and would get very angry when my sister got more than me or perceived any favoritism, and I would demand the same things and treatment to become equal. now I'm more peaceful, and agreeable, and I rarely get angry, and it seems those feelings of entitlement and jealousy are more internalized now.
• I'm very messy and forgetful, so my environment is usually really disorganized. I lack interest in household chores or taking care of my surroundings, It's most likely just my laziness, but I'm very careless, probably because I don't consider it important or a priority at all. and I'm trying to work on that to not burden those around me, as I often leave those responsibilities for others to take care of, which I'm aware is shitty. I'm not diagnosed, and I doubt I have it, but I display behavioral symptoms of ADHD. I fidget and move a lot, I act and speak without thinking, very clumsy and uncoordinated and excessively vigorous in handling things, and consequently broke a lot of belongings and devices, and I'm generally "disruptive."
• my biggest fears are death and illness, or the process of dying from illness. it is extremely grim to me. in general, I'm just afraid of suddenly dying without realizing it when I'm so dissatisfied with myself and life and have not achieved anything. Also, the idea of death is quite lonely to me, it feels like my mind and consciousness is this shelter that protects me, or rather, all that I have. then when I die, nothing will be left of me, it's hard to explain, but it's like letting go of your form and mind and becoming nothing is, dare I say, scary.
• I'm sensitive to criticism, and any remark would stick with me for a long time, because I focus a lot on what others think of me, unsurprisingly. I guess it's because I have a fragile ego and I can be very self-centered and self-absorbed. I know how bad I am to an extent, yet I can be too defensive on things I know I should admit and work on. this is paradoxical but I lack self-awareness in the way that I know most of my flaws and character but I feel comfortable about it instead of really realizing and grasping how bad it is/how it comes off to others and negatively affects those around me, sometimes at least. I can fall into self-pity whenever I am attacked or such traits have been pointed out, and my "facade" has been torn down, even though I know I'm in the wrong, I still feel undeserving to be put in such an embarrassing and humiliating position. I hate being sincere because I'm afraid it would be used against me and change the dynamic of a relationship I have where it would feel almost patronizing. I hate that "I know who you are and what you're all about" feeling, I guess. it's almost like I fear others really understanding me because I know I'm not really good/not okay with myself. I would direct blame onto others/project my dissatisfaction and be indifferent to my wrongdoings in a way.
• because of my low self-esteem, as a self-defense mechanism of sorts, I beat someone to any criticism and use self-deprecating humor to seem immune to any criticism or insecurities I might get called out on, and it is also an attempt at practicing excessive humility to be more likable.
• other traits I hate in others are being hypocritical, unreasonable/illogical, excessively vengeful and hateful, extreme/cruel, using force with others, selfishness, phoniness, smugness insincerity, overconfidence, and egotism (I'm probably guilty of most of what I've listed off so far) I know these are generally dislikable traits, but they particularly tick me off, not much, just in comparison to any other trait in a person. I hate it when people act too haughty or separate, or like they are above others. I prefer a sense of community even though I'd like to be individualistic and "Special," but maybe I'm just resentful of actual special people lol. also, people who are too taciturn/mysterious provoke me a lot, I don't know why. like, why are you acting so smug, what are you hiding and what are you?!
• I'm very indulgent when it comes to food and eat for fun, out of boredom, and for enjoyment. I also use it to soothe myself and I eat excessively when distressed. I used to not be able to control myself, but when I started to worry about my weight and appearance, I could restrain myself now much better.
• I tend to group, categorize, and generalize people and see them in a certain way even if I'm aware of their unique character, but I almost intuitively believe/perceive they must have certain characteristics and nature if they belong to a certain group. but I do know it is idiotic and wrong, and I never treat others differently or think to based on such conceptions, and such thoughts would be followed with an automatic response of, "Not all x are y" in my mind. I'm trying to change and I want to treat others more as individuals.
• this is generic and probably unhelpful, but, I'm often very dissatisfied with my life and myself, and I want to improve and do better. I always sense that I do not do anything "Well enough" and did not live up to a certain expectation. I never do anything about these feelings, and never put in any effort, though, to the point where it seems like I'm actually content with how I am/my life.

I think I've made this long enough. what do you think? I'm sorry if my descriptions are too negative/distasteful as I'm just trying to be honest.