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Hey everyone! Sorry for the long wait, the story is not abandoned, I just got a bit lost in other stuff and have fallen out with the world of NoP a bit. I will continue the story, through I can't promise a new chapter every month.
On another note, I am quite proud of this chapter, this is definetly my favourite one, and I enjoyed expanding on Velnils past and mental health. (And tormenting him, of course. Nah, just joking. xD)
Thank you for creating this beautiful universe!
Also thanks to for proofreading!
Criticism is very much welcome, let me know what you think!
Enjoy!
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Memory transcription subject: Velnil, Arxur deserter Date [standardized human time]: 25th of October, 2136, Middle of the night
CW: panic attack, hallucination, self harm
[Note: Dream state detected. Reliving memory. Proceed? (Y/N)]
[Y]
The cold seeped deep into Velnil’s scales as he trudged up the hidden path of the forest, up onto a small hill where a single, just barely alive tree stood still. There was no wind, no new smells and no sound. It was calm, eerily calm, forcing Velnil to periodically stop and look around, seeing if anyone had followed him.
Every time, there was nothing. It was just the empty forest, filled with dying trees and withered bushes. There were a few animal bones here and there sticking out of the ground, but he did not care enough to spare a glance at them.
As he ascended higher and higher on the small hill, he felt as his breathing slowly returned to normal from the usually used powerful intakes and blowouts. He took a slow, deep breath, as he arrived at the tree, letting the cold air run into his lungs, and calming down his beating heart. He was here again. The only question was if he was really alone or not.
“Frostbubble, are you there?” He asked, almost in a whisper as he looked around, moving towards the tree. It still felt strange to use this nickname, but if it kept her safe and happy, he was more than glad to use it.
“Aww, you did come, Velny.” The voice was almost sickeningly sweet for Velnil’s ears, but he knew it was because of everything he had been learning. The warmth in his chest was just another proof to it, as he noticed her lanky shadow climb down from the tree, keeping a small bag up with her tail as she did so. He felt a slight blush creep onto his face as she hopped down, and quickly approached him.
“How have you been? I hope they didn’t manage to rough you up too badly this time.” The care in her voice made Velnil shutter and relax at the same time, as her hand landed on his arm, caressing the scar he had first received for insubordination.
He was four back then.
“No. I’m okay, Zar… Frostbubble.” More warmth filled his chest at her wide toothed smile. “They didn’t get me this time. I managed to trick them.”
“So clever and cunning, Velny.” Her grating chuckle, while repulsive to his ears, was music to his heart. He felt a soft pressure on his hand as she took it, and began leading him to the other side of the tree, facing away from the facility, and out towards the dying wilderness. The view has always filled him with dread, seeing as nature had slowly withered away with his feelings, only to eventually be replaced by even more factories and facilities. It was truly as if the planet felt his pain, his suffering as he was slowly broken down, only to be replaced by the ideals and will of Betterment.
They sat down on the ground, neither of them caring about the cold, as they leaned back a bit, looking up at the night sky. Everything was so calm, yet Velnil couldn’t keep himself from looking around, listening for any noise that could tell him they were not alone.His anxiety only grew, until he felt a soft touch on his chin. He let his head be turned back towards her.
Her smile was horrible(line through) beautiful. The shine of her eyes as she looked at him so calmly, like they weren’t in constant danger of being found out and killed. It angered him, but at the same time, it filled him with a strange feeling. It was still so alien to him, he never felt it before, only when he was with her.
“We are safe here, Veln. Don’t worry so much about it. I am always watching and also making sure that no one is following you. You don’t need to turn around that often. Let yourself relax a bit.” It didn’t make any sense. How could he relax? They were out and about without the knowledge of the masters, they were going against the rules.
She is not even supposed to be here. She was never in the facility.
He opened his mouth, but couldn’t say anything as she closed it, playfully flicking one of her claws on his snout. He shook his head, incredulous about what just happened.
“I know that look, Velny. Relax, just for this once.” As she leaned forward, his heart rate spiked, the alien feeling shooting up like fire as warmth filled his face at the feeling of her nuzzling his snout. He leaned towards her, eyes half-lidded as he felt his muscles relax ever so slightly. Perhaps Zartha is right. He could relax with her, and not be on the lookout for any danger that may be around them.
“Maybe… maybe you are right, Frostbubble.” He mumbled, his eyes closing momentarily as his snout moved to rub at her throat, with a sharp intake of air coming from her.
“Veln, I…” Zartha stopped for a few seconds, prompting Velnil to lean back a bit to look at her. She looked… troubled? Unsure? No, it was something else. Her eyes fluttered while looking all around, as if searching for danger, but they always returned to him, at which point she flicked with her tailtip, until it snagged at her satchel.
“I made something for you.” Velnil cocked his head as he watched her pull out a thermos, quickly unscrewing its top. He watched as steam rose from the thermos, filling the air with a sweet scent, creating an even more serene atmosphere.
“It’s Trilltilla tea. It took a long time, but I wanted to make it for you.” Velnil watched as she presented the top part of the thermos for him. Slowly reaching out, he took hold of it, their hands touching as their eyes met. The shining in her eyes, the way her irises grew, her tail that wagged more and more. He was sure she felt the same strange feeling he felt, as his tail wagged as well, albeit slowly.
He then took hold of it properly, lifting it up to drink. There was no need to say thanks. She knew he was thankful for it.
“So, this is where you have been sneaking off.” Velnil jumped up and whipped around, the top of the thermos falling to the ground as its contents spilled. Next to the tree stood his master, with two burly arxur standing on either of his side. The scowl on his master's face told him everything. They saw everything, the two of them have been found out.
It was over for them.
Zartha slowly stood up, to which one of the arxur moves so quickly to her, it was almost a blur. A painful yelp came from her as she was punched in the gut, tumbling forward, but she wasn’t allowed to fall to the ground. The arxur kept her up, while his master and the other moved in.
“So, you must be Zartha. I have heard quite a lot of you. A disgrace to our kind, really.” His master’s voice was full of contempt. Velnil didn’t dare to speak, nor did he dare to move, lest he might lose his head.
Or worse…
“I’m no disgrace. The only disgrace here is how you trea-” She wasn’t allowed to finish. Master didn’t allow her. The arxur holding her punched her again, forcing the air out of her lungs.
“Tssk. Such a waste of resources. This one is unfixable.” As his master’s eyes landed on him, Velnil felt himself freeze under the glare. “But you will still be redeemed, boy. Oh, you will be. I will make sure of that. You are allowed to return to your dwelling, at this instant.” His heart didn’t want to, but his mind knew he must move. Velnil’s legs, almost like he was on auto-pilot, moved, one after the other, as he began making his way down. He heard as his master turned to address the other arxur.
“Find its father and wipe its disgrace off this world. Then find its mother, and make sure that woman brings a proper arxur into this world.” An acknowledging grunt was the only answer.
The cold seeped deep into Velnil’s scales as he made his way down the hill, the warmth escaping, leaving him with a cold, painful pressure on his rumbling stomach that yearned for her tea.
But it will never feel its warmth.
~~~
Growling, and pressure on his stomach was what woke Velnil up. On instinct, he striked with his right arm, his sharp claws swiping at nothing. His head swiveled around, with no need for his eyes to adjust to the darkness of the night, trying to find whatever was threatening him.
There was nothing.
Velnil began to work on calming his breathing as he tried to listen, focusing on the nightly sounds of the forest, seeing if he can hear the soft running of paws, or the strong thumps of human legs.
Again, there was nothing.
With a grumble, he rolled onto all fours, sniffing around and looking for any clues on what might have growled and pawed at him.
The sound repeated itself, this time however, Velnil felt the painful clamps of his stomach as it rumbled loudly, seemingly discontent with the lack of food inside of it. With the realization that he is just hungry - very much so -, Velnil got into a bipedal stance, and began making his way towards the farm.
Looking around as much as he could see of the sky, it must have still been well into the night. He could have just checked it on his holopad, but then his eyes would have to adjust to the dark again, and he would possibly give away his location - after all, he could never know if something or someone was watching him.
The night was annoyingly cold, but it was nothing like what he had to survive during his training. It molded him, made him stronger, able to ignore the cold seeping into his bones and keep on going.
He always had to keep going.
He promised it.
Velnil didn’t know how long he was walking when another rumble left his stomach, this time however, his mouth began to water at the enticing smell his nostrils had caught. It was a familiar smell, divine even, and the bigger breath he took, the more it filled his being, as the picture practically smashed itself into his mind.
Krakotl.
Yumm.
Dropping onto all fours, he made his way towards the source of the smell, taking great care to avoid stepping on a branch, or making any noise that might give away his position. He froze, and silently cursed himself at another rumble of his stomach. Do you want to be filled or not?! If so, be silent!
His stomach did not respond. Good.
Continuing to stalk forward, the smell started to become stronger as the wind carried it to him. Reaching another, much smaller clearing, he hid inside one particularly big bush, easily seeing out of it.
There, in the gentle moonlight kneeled a young, healthy looking krakotl. Its feathers reflected the moonlight beautifully, and he could make out some kind of red pattern on the otherwise greenish plumage that covered it. From scent alone he could tell that it was a female, possibly the same age, or maybe older than he was.
It was just the right age. He could feel himself salivating as he watched it do something, it had its back to him, he could jump out and just get it!
His muscles tensed as he prepared himself, but a sudden thought of realization of where he was exactly forced him to stop, tensing up even more as to not jump. Just then, the krakotl leaned back up, revealing what it had been doing.
Velnil felt himself recoil a bit at the sight of the familiar flower. How did the krakotl get it here?! Who even allowed it to plant that? Why…?
The slits of his eyes slowly rounded out as he watched the light of the moon shine onto the flower, prompting it to slowly unfurl, revealing five sickly green colored petals, with a bright blue colored inside. Velnil felt himself lowering onto the ground, his eyes becoming blurry - but why?
Reaching up, he felt something wet in his eye - tears. He was… crying? Why was he…
It is what she used to make tea for you that day. The memory hit him like a plasma bolt. The flower - Triltilla, or Lover’s poison as some used to call it, was a rare flower from the krakotl turned arxur colony world. Interestingly, the prey was the one that came up with the nickname for the flower - it was said that when the lover made tea from the petals, it’s effect depended on the care that was put into it - the petals had to be cleaned from any pollen, then cured and dried for the right amount of time, which was then followed by making the tea. If the maker of the tea put the proper care to it, it worked as sort of a love potion - it helped with maternity and helped the mates bond.
But if even the slightest mistake was made, if the maker wasn’t careful enough, the pollen, or not drying it for the proper amount of time greatly changed its effect - causing severe pain for whoever drank the tea, and in some cases, even death.
It was dumb. Of course it was, it came from a prey infested world that was cleansed by his ancestors!
And yet, that single flower was one of her favorites. He never truly understood why, but of course, how could he.
He was well into his training back then. He saw it as her weakness. One of her oh so many flaws that plagued her ability to live as a proper arxur.
Oh, because you always lived as a proper arxur? Came the sudden response to his thoughts, feeling another pang of pain from his stomach as he once again wiped a tear from his face. He forced back down a slight growl as he looked back up at the prey, his tongue running over his lips as he kneaded the ground beneath his paws. He wanted to to jump out, to strike, to once again taste his favorite food.
Could he really kill through?
A third, this time much louder rumble had escaped his stomach, it seemed this time the prey had heard it.
“Hello?” The prey’s head whipped around, staring at his general direction, as her soft trilling voice rang out. “Is anyone there?” Another question rang out, it sounded so young, and yet, he watched as his prey’s eyes slowly went over her surroundings, forcing Velnil to slightly pull back, and close his eyes until there was only a slight line visible.
As he imagined how it would taste, his tongue running over his lips, the krakotl took a tentative step forward, eyes still scanning the treeline.
“Lia, is that you?” As Velnil finally got over the fight inside his head, his hunger slowly winning, he prepared to pounce, his eyes opening more ever so slightly as his claws dug into the dirt a bit.
“Aw, damn it. How did you know?” Once again, Velnil almost stumbled out of his hiding spot as a sudden voice came from somewhere to his right. He watched as the prey turned their head towards the voice, as Velnil barely held back an angry hiss at the appearance of a female human.
The woman, referred to as ‘Lia’ seemed to be around [180cm] in height, as she made her way over to the krakotl with surprising silence. Light brown hair flowed down her back, tied into a ponytail. Similarly to other humans, she was also wearing fake pelts, with surprisingly light colored blue jeans and light green shirt.
For a second, Velnil wondered how the human does not shiver from the cold, but his mind quickly wound up with another question: how in the twisted wriss does she hunt in such light clothes? What other thing could she do here at a time like this?
“I didn’t. You scared the… Why are you even here?” The krakotl puffed its feathers up as it turned its head to its side to glare at the predator in front of it. Albeit the body language of the prey showed slight alarm and trepidation, its voice was surprisingly calm, maybe even reproachful. The human seemed to also take note of its voice, putting up her hands as she looked at the prey.
“Oh, I’m sorry miss ‘I go for a walk into the forest in the middle of the night’”. At this, the krakotl seemed to deflate, lowering their head a bit, but not for long, as the human stepped up to them, and brought their head back up with what he assumed was a gentle touch. “I just woke up to being cold, and after waiting a bit, and looking and not finding you, I became worried. Besides, what do you expect if my living, breathing blanket suddenly disappears?” The human chuckled, which was soon joined by the prey's own chuckling, extending a wing to strike at the human.
“Oh, hush, you! It’s not my fault your only protection is your strange pelts! Plus, why are you not wearing anything else, aren’t you cold?” A slight worry in its tone was sickening to listen to, as Velnil continued to watch the two interact, until the human female suddenly stopped, snapping their head towards his direction, accommodated by a cracking sound, which was then followed by the woman groaning, and massaging their neck.
“Shit.. That hurt…” She mumbled. Both the prey and Velnil seemed to jump slightly at the sudden movement, albeit for different reasons. As the prey started worrying over the human, Velnil pulled back even more, laying completely flat on the cold ground as his heart beat even faster. Impossible, this is impossible! The wind is coming from their direction, I was as silent as a night stalker, how could she know I’m here?!
His question wasn’t left unanswered, which confused him greatly.
“Are you okay? What was that?” Asked the krakotl for the third time, thankfully silenced by the human.
“Nothing, nothing, I just… I thought someone was looking at me. I could feel whatever it was.” At the answer, the krakotl tilted its head in confusion, clicking its beak a few times in contemplation.
“You… felt something staring at you? But… how? Aren’t you humans… you know?” The meek thing shrunk a bit again, but was quickly calmed by the human, who ran their hand over their back.
“Eh, it’s hard to explain, and it’s quite late. Let’s just say that sometimes we just get this… feeling of being watched. I have to say, it wasn’t the best idea to come out here without a flashlight, now that I think about it. This place gives me the creeps.” The human seemingly shuddered as she looked around, while the prey looked even more confused.
Before it could say anything however, the human sighed, and turned back to the krakotl.
“Anyways, we should probably head back, Suyla. I heard that tomorrow we will have a… not so good surprise. So we should probably, at the very least, get well rested.” At this, the krakotl seemed to realize something, as they huddled closer to the human, looking around with fear.
“Do you think that it’s… here?” It asked, its voice quivering a bit as the human put their hands on its back, trying to calm the prey.
“Well, I saw Rich arrive, so he must be already here somewhere.” At this point Velnil realized they were talking about him, and he held back a growl once again. He watched as the human led his catch away, leaving him with an empty stomach and an even sourer mood.
“NoT sO gOod SuUrPRisE..” Velnil mimicked mockingly, growling to himself after the human and his food left, grabbing and squeezing a handful of earth as he sulked. This is so dumb, as if the humans would be any better! They are weak and pathetic predators! Even he could take on a few of them! Probably.
Yeah, and you would get yourself killed. And prove them right.
Whatever! He thought to himself with a rumble. It’s not like I care about what they think.
Of course you don’t. Otherwise you would have to accept you are a-
Silence! Growled Velnil as he shook his head. For a few moments, he waited for a reply, but when it didn’t arrive, he raised his chin smugly.
He was about to get up to be on his way when he heard some rustling in front of him. Looking up, he noticed something that looked a lot like a sivkit, except it was wrong in almost every aspect, except for its eyes. He watched the animal approach the newly planted flower, and Velnil scoffed as the animal began to sniff at it.
Dumb prey. You don’t even know what that is, and you just approach it. As Velnil watched the animal, his eyes widened, and time seemed to slow down as he saw it open its mouth.
Oh no, you won’t. With a growl, he sprung from his hiding spot, his maw opening wide with razor sharp teeth as he caught the prey just before it could turn and run.
The metallic taste was a welcome sensation.
~~~
Velnil hummed a low tune for himself as he was walking back to his clearing, his hunger somewhat satiated as he let the cold air fill his lungs to their capacity. With his hunger sated for the foreseeable few hours, he could think a bit more clearly about his situation.
This place looked nothing like a farm. At least, not how a cattle farm would look like, but even those places had parts where they grew prey food to feed the cattle.
So if the humans are not going to keep cattle on this farm, apart from the alien one, why grow so much on such a big area? He knew humans can eat prey food, as revolting of a thought it was, they all could just eat more meat. Do they really care that much about the walking and talking prey that they don’t eat meat because of them?
Bah. Of course they care about their cattle. That way they won’t run away.
Though, the more he thought about it, the less sense it made. Do they really not eat the alien cattle that are here? Albeit he only just arrived, the animals didn’t seem to be scared at all. That woman - Lia, was his name, if he remembered correctly - even went out into the cold night to find her feathered ‘friend’.
Growling softly, he shook his head, banishing the line of thought to the back of his mind. He didn’t need to think about this - it was useless when it came to his survival. He knew the humans would do anything to save cattle - even if said cattle bombed them. If it needs to be, he can always take one as a hostage, and on the other hand - he probably could still get at least one of the prey riled up enough to attack him.
That will be spectacular.
But what else could he do? There was one saying he saw on a human website that described his current position quite nicely - He was a wolf among sheep. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. He had to get them to lower their guards, to not view him as a threat, but rather, one of those weak useless arxur who cannot do anything right.
Oh, you have experience in that, don’t worry.
“Shut. Your. Mouth.” He hissed to himself, stopping in his tracks as he looked forward. His arms shook slightly, but he forced his hands into fists to stop it.
What’s the matter, Velnil? Forgot about me so quickly? You hurt my - sorry -, our feelings.
“I said shut up!” Growling filled the air as Velnil leaned forward, the shaking moving to his shoulders.
Why should I? We are no longer in the Dominion. Betterment can’t get a hold of us. We are free.
“We are not free… We will never be.” growled Velnil suddenly turning to swiftly strike at a tree. He winced from the pain shooting through his right hand, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to feel. He shouldn’t feel anything.
But we are. We ran away, fooled the humans, fooled their prey. We could go where we want. Or stay here. Live a new-
“This is NOT my home!” Velnil yelled. “This will never be. I am not free, just a damned prisoner of another species! I can never be as free as I want to be!”
And what would you call being free? Not like you would know it, of course. I can see it, after all. You know nothing about being free. You are just-
“Shut up! Shutupshutupshutup!” Velnil yelled as he began hitting his head against the tree, each time his body shaking in pain while the tree stood steadfast.
Unmoving.
Uncaring.
Emotionless.
With tears in his eyes, he slunk down against the tree, his breathing fast and uneven. The shadows danced around him, waiting in silence, waiting to pounce on his weak form. The sounds of the night sky became howls of predators, the ground further ahead opened up, the rotten, clawed hand of an arxur suddenly appearing at the edge of it, pulling it’s body up, revealing a set of familiar yellow eyes.
“V-veeeeelniiiilll” Groaned her corpse as she pulled herself up, taking a step closer. His breathing fastened as his eyes were trained not on her head, but her torn open neck.
“No… No… I- I didn’t…” His whines were left unanswered as her corpse took another step towards him, an arm reaching out as one of her eyes fell out, leaving the empty socket as a void to peer into and devour his weak soul.
“I didn’t want to!” He yelled, trying to crawl away, but the tree behind him didn’t let him. “I never wanted to! I-I-I wanted to keep you safe, but I-”
“Veeeeeel-” The corpse sighed out, before taking in a shallow breath - her torn open throat moving along with the action, opening to let air in, before she continued. ”-nyy.” Another step, then as he blinked, she was standing over him. A startled whine left him as he scooted back even more, pressing against the tree as she reached out.
“I’m sorry! I’m so fucking sorry, I wanted to save you, I did!” He screamed hiding away behind his arms as he shouted one last thing: “I loved you!”.
As he shrunk back even more, his breath slowed, his head became woozy as soon his consciousness began to slip away, hearing her speak one last time.
“Veeeeeelnnnyy.”
~~~
Velnil came back to consciousness with a start, head rapidly turning around as his breath hitched, until pain shot through his head. With a wince, he pulled himself up, gingerly touching his head - his scales were damaged, and blood was dried on his head. He winced slightly as pain shot through both his head and right hand.
Shit. They will definitely notice this… He thought to himself as he took a ragged breath. He looked where the hole had appeared - there was nothing, the ground was undisturbed. His gaze lingered on it, before he eventually turned, and continued to make his way towards his clearing, still in the darkness of the night, like nothing had happened.
It has been so long since the last one. Why now? Why is she tormenting me? His questions were left unanswered. He forced himself to stop, and after taking a deep breath, he looked around, listening for any nearby river or something. Sniffing around, he could feel the smell of water off in the distance, and so, he began making his way there.
I need to wash off the blood.
Within a few minutes, he had found a large river, the water flowing down with relative force. Kneeling down at its edge, he leaned forward, and began cleaning his head and hand with practiced, almost robotic movements. The proof of his weakness stinged and flared up at the cold touch of water, but he did not care. He watched as the water slowly took on a red hue, before disappearing down the river.
Within another few minutes, Velnil could easily make out the outline of the injury - it wasn’t too big, but it was most definitely noticeable, and will take days - if not a few weeks - to properly heal. He could hide it, since he was still somewhat bigger than everyone else - but then that would go against his plan on appearing meek and unsure about things.
Maybe I could use it. Play it off as having a bad night. Maybe I could get them to give me more food than they planned. The humans are very empathetic, I’m sure that after seeing this, they would feel bad enough for me to somewhat drop their guard. Maybe I can even fool some of the prey. Yes, that, being attacked by one should be enough for them to not view me as a threat.
Satisfied with the plan, Velnil got back up, and with a sigh and a few minutes of walking, he finally made his way back to the clearing. Lying down on the cold ground, he carefully rested his head atop his bag once again, looking at nothing in particular.
His next few minutes were filled with rolling around, unable to go back to sleep, as his thoughts were slowly but surely going back to the krakotl he saw. The green feathers, adorned by a red pattern, its yellow beak, and similarly yellow eyes.
Yellow eyes that stared deep into his soul.
The yellow eye that has fallen out of its socket, to leave an empty void to devour his soul.
Velnil forced his eyes shut, turning around again. Not again. He thought, forcing himself to think of other things - the taste of the prey animal he caught, his way towards Earth, the russif.
Eventually, within a gruesome few minutes, Velnil was finally granted the sweet release of sleep.
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who else has to pause this show sometimes bc the scene is so visually beautiful? Symmetry and rule of thirds. Ever notice how Mary's flower arrangement vase on her desk is a center point dividing Mr. Grant's office and Murray's desk, with the newsroom arranged in pleasing visual thirds via the clocks and intern/assistant writer desks behind them. The office and the Japanese restaurants always look like the most symmetrical formal block-structured sets in that way, compared to the more kooky/sitcom-structured sets, like Mary's free-form eclectic apartment or other restaurant settings. Just a visual observation lol.
I wonder if somebody on the set design/decor team was into ikebana and stuff.🌷 seems like flower arranging was a rly popular art hobby in the late 1960s-1970s

We have basic melee weapons and Vibroblades which deal additional damage in exchange for building heat, but what about melee weapons which require ammo? Something like a pile bunker, where an explosive charge is used to jut out a spike at immense speed and force.
I know that Heavy-Duty Pile Drivers exist, but while that somewhat fits the flavor, it doesn't quite fit the gameplay niche I'm going for.
Something like a 5 ton, 5 crit melee weapon that deals 15 damage and forces a PSR with +1 difficulty on hit. Maybe a +1 modifier making it harder to hit with it, and three 'shots' per ton of ammo which explode for five damage per 'shot' when critted. Given that ACs build heat, this would probably build 2 heat as well from the explosion used to drive it.
The damage is very high for the weight, which could be exploited by lighter mechs, but I don't think it's unreasonable when compared to a weapon like the Clan ER PPC, which admittedly makes you pay in heat, but deals the same damage at range for only one ton more, or for the same tonnage if you consider the need for ammo.
This is the first piece of homebrew equipment I've considered, and I know that Battletech already has a lot of equipment (too much, as far as some people are concerned), but it's the kind of thing I'd like to see in the game eventually, in some form or another.
If you have a similar idea, or have thoughts on what I've put forward here, feel free to share.

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I’ve been on a bit of a deep dive about alhoons recently after finding a note labeled “To Take Control” in Gortash’s private vault in the counting house. Below are my compiled notes.
“Gortash Private Memoir Notes, Number 9.
To Take Control
We were deep in Mephisto's vault, burgling the Crown of Karsus, when I saw next to the crown that the wily archdevil had a portfolio labelled 'Accelerated Grand Design'. I couldn't resist taking that as well. The portfolio contained plans compiled by a mad alhoon known only as Blue Apex for a version of the illithid resurgence, a Grand Design that called for mass tadpoling of both friends and enemies - but not to convert the tadpoled into mind flayers, but rather to suspend that ceremorphosis under powerful magic to create a vast and unconscious hive mind commanded by an enhanced elder brain. My mind, trained in the tyrannical tenets of Bane, instantly saw that this was a means to perpetrate a powerful religious hoax, a mass movement controlled, ultimately, by none other than myself. For who but the Chosen of Bane could master so grand a scheme?“.
So Blue Apex is the one who originally came up with the whole concept of creating what became the Absolute cult. And Mephistopheles kept this plan near the Crown of Karsus, meaning he knew that was the key to implementing Blue Apex’s Accelerated Grand Design.
So who is Blue Apex? What’s an Alhoon? An Alhoon is a mindflayer who studies the arcane arts, something that mindflayers really aren’t SUPPOSED to be able to do. Because of this, and because they don’t fit the narrow mold of a mindflayer in mindflayer society, they are rejected by their Elder Brain as deviants and cast out. Often times people say that Alhoons are mindflayer liches, but that’s not necessarily true, an Alhoon is any illithid who practices the arcane arts, the strongest of which are Illithiliches which is a true illithid lich.
Alhoons were considered overly ambitious and cruel even by mind flayer standards and due to the mindflayers natural magical resistance, their magical practice causes their bodies to physically react. They lose their slime coating and appear shriveled and dry with cracking skin unless they stay moisturized and well hydrated. Often spending much of their time bathing.
In baldurs gate 2 there’s a hidden encounter in the city sewers that leads to an illithid colony led by an Alhoon. When approached he yells something about not being able to complete his army, and on death drops a scroll called “illithid correspondence” that talks about tadpoling the whole city. Weirdly the item shows as a quest item but has no associated quest line in bg2.
As far as I can tell the only other alhoon you meet is Omeluum but he doesn’t have the dry and cracking skin that illithid develop when they study magic, which is a pretty important trait, at least enough to include on like every wiki entry about alhoons and the entry in Volos guide to monsters. That means he either is very early in his exploration of magic and hasn’t lost his slime yet, or he’s really really good at being an alhoon and is probably an illithilich. He mentions that after leaving his elder brain he was the companion of a lich for some time as well.
Alhoons are known to form alliances with other races (particularly in the underdark) in order to achieve common goals, and Omeluum is a founding member of the society of brilliance.
It’s important to note that alhoons, by simply existing outside the influence of the illithid hive mind as mindflayers are in direct rebellion against the grand design. They don’t have loyalty to other mind flayers and are fine with subjugating or even tadpoling their own kind.
The first alhoons developed a method of pseudo lichdom, which is why they are commonly referred to as mindflayer liches, called the priapet of mind trapping, which as the name implies, traps minds. The alhoon can then live as long as the being trapped inside does, preferring long lived species as sacrifices because of that. The trapped minds remain sentient can continue to communicate by anyone using the priapet of mind trapping.
This seems very similar in effect to the brains in jars that we find on the nautiloid and in the mind flayer colony below moonrise. They aren’t being eaten, they aren’t being made into intellect devourers, they’re just there and some, like the githzerai, seem to have been there a pretty long time.
A priapet of mind trapping is described in Volos guide to monsters as a fist sized object made of silver, ruby, or emerald.
There is, however, a way for an alhoon to ascend to actual lichdom, called an Illithilich, which is a very silly name. To do this they must be able to use the 9th level spell, imprison. Something nearly impossible for a mind flayer. They are powerful psionics but they are innately bad at magic, their very physiology rejects it. By imprisoning an immortal to their phylactory, they can survive as long as the immortal inside it does, as long as the imprison spell is not broken.
We actually see something similar to this a couple of times in Baldurs gate iii. The nightsong is trapped by the Imprison spell, as is Orpheus. We can see the effect of that immortality via imprisonment of an immortal in Ketheric.
It’s possible then, that the astral prism, is also functioning in the same way for someone or something. Orpheus is not an immortal, but by imprisoning him within a pocket dimension of the astral plane, where time doesn’t pass, Orpheus is still staying alive. Staying alive is really the only thing that the imprisoned being has to do in order to also keep the illithilich alive.
We don’t see anything happen and no horrible lich being comes for you after freeing Orpheus, so I’m assuming that either Blue Apex was killed sometime in the past, the astral prism is not the phylactory of an illithilich (but it seems to match the description) or that’s not his only phylactory any more and freeing Orpheus is part of the mad alhoons grand design, because freeing Orpheus will send him off to cause a gith civil war and destroy the ruling elder brains of the illithid grand design, paving the way for him to have the bulk of his most powerful enemies eliminated. All he has to do is wait.
Now I’m not necessarily saying that Omeluum is Blue Apex but he is, as far as I can tell, unique among mindflayers by being able to use magic innately. He did travel with a lich. And it’s possible to say that a “mad” alhoon could be one that is actually good aligned.

It was a pc game where the bricks were square shaped with a fruit icon on it. Yellow being banana, green being apple and so on. You were the ball that used arrow keys (left and right) on the keyboard to bounce around.
Key features I remember was that you had to hit a certain block in order to change the color of your ball to hit the corresponding brick. There were a few spikey balls that were bouncing around chasing you in order to kill you. There was also a brick you could hit which made you cycle through all colors (sort of like the effect a star gives you in mario) which let you break any color bricks for a brief period. The game also had a sort of free roam style where you roam around and go through a tube/pipe (similar to the ones in Mario) in order to start the new level
The art style was like DX ball
Platform(s): as far as I know PC
Genre: arcade?
Estimated year of release: early 2000s
Graphics/art style: similar to DX ball
Notable characters: just a regular ball (you) and what I believe to be spikey balls (the enemies you need to stay away from)
Notable gameplay mechanics: arrow keys (left and right) to move while bouncing in order to break all bricks in the levels.
Unfortunately this is all I remember. If you have any questions, I will do my best to answer

*Leans against my lightly used 2006 Honda Civic* Hey! 😎
Thanks for clicking on my totally original title, it was between that or, "looking for my player 2". Anyways, I'm 24/M, and I'm based around the East Coast of the United States, distance doesn't really matter to me though since I love traveling, and I'm not particularly tied down since I work remotely!
I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for, ideally, I could find someone to fall in love with and take over a small country and convert it into a Banana Republic. Then we would sell cheaply made overpriced appliances in order to amass a fortune. In all seriousness though, I miss the feeling of being in a relationship. I miss being affectionate with someone, I crave that cheesy romance, having someone to confide in and to be able to be supportive of them and to have that in return. I haven't had that in a long time. That's not to say that I'm looking to rush into anything, so you won't have to worry about me proposing in the parking lot of Applebees anytime soon. I'd definitely prefer to build a foundation with someone first, although I'm not opposed to something moving at a quicker pace.
When it comes to appearance, I'm horrible at descriptions of myself so I would be more than willing to swap pictures early on since I know physical attraction is important to most people. I'm white, fairly slim/fit, 150 pounds, and 5'9 (6'4 in heels 😳). That's around 175cm (0.0009 nautical miles for any pirates out there.)
Hobbies wise, I looooove horror media! Whether that be games, books, movies, etc. It's probably the topic that I can talk about the most. I'm into video games like most people here, I think it'd be fun to play together. I go camping and hiking quite a bit, I also enjoy reading and writing when I have the time. I used to do boxing as well! I've been wanting to get into dungeons and dragons, I even wrote a campaign for my friends, but they immediately realized it was too nerdy for them 😭. Outside of that, I've been considering buying and learning how to play a bass guitar, I promise this isn't some mid-life crisis hobby though!
There's a lot more to me than just a few paragraphs but I really didn't want to overwhelm anyone with a giant wall of text. So by all means if anyone's interested in talking then feel free to send me a message. I promise you won't regret it (too much)!

June 3rd to 6th, 2024 Leading up to our Vegas trip, one of the things I enjoyed most was visiting this subreddit and reading the experiences others shared about their time in the city. It was consistently insightful, helpful, and quite entertaining to read.
While this post may be none of those things, I still wanted to share on the off chance it provides a bit of relief for those planning and struggling to piece their own trips together.
As a brief background, both my wife and I have spent time in Vegas before, but, for reasons I won’t get into on this post, we never had a “Vegas experience.” We agreed that this would be that trip.
For context, we have been together for 15 years. We are both 35 and have two kids. Most vacations are family-oriented - lots of planning, budgeting, and sniping the best deals and the cheapest things to do. We agreed to do a little of that for this trip, but to mostly roll with the punches and see what would happen. Outside of booking the hotel, the only other thing I did to prepare for this trip was make two lists of food. Food list number one were places that sounded unique or different and were within a 5 to 10 minute walk. Food list number two was the same concept, except 20+ minute walk or bus ride away. My wife and I also agreed that if we couldn’t walk somewhere by staying in hotels, we weren’t going to walk there.
I’ll get the total cost out of the way. We spent about $370 on food, drinks, transportation, and entertainment. Our flight was $80 round trip ($40 each through Frontier). The hotel was $350 total for 3 nights. Thats about $800 for 3ish days and 3 nights in Vegas.
Monday: Both my wife and I had a bout of food poisoning a couple of days prior to leaving. We nearly canceled our trip, but on Sunday, made the decision to carry through, as the sitter arrangement was already made and figured that even if we just spent the time in our hotel room, it would still be fun. By Monday morning, I felt okay, but my wife was still a little ill.
The plane into Vegas landed at 11am. We decided to take an Uber from the airport to Total Wine and Whole Foods in Town Square. At Whole Foods, we bought emergency snacks (breakfast bars, nuts, chips, etc) and 3 gallons of water. At Total Wine, we bought our favorite rum, mostly in fear that we wouldn’t find it on the strip - one 750ml bottle of Kraken ($20) - and a 10 pack of mini Coke Zeroes.
From there, we took another Uber to the hotel - the Flamingo - mostly because we were carrying a lot of stuff (the bus was the original option). We arrived early, tried checking in early using a kiosk, but refused to pay the extra $20. Instead, we walked over to the food court, got comfy in a booth, and made a strong drink to sip on while we waited. I should mention that we stopped at the Starbucks in the hotel and paid $2 for two waters (ridiculous!). We used those cups to make our drinks.
By 3:30, we were two drinks in and decided to try checking in again. The lines were longer now, too, but the kiosk line moved quickly. This time we were given our keys to the room. Having never stayed on the Vegas strip before, we opted for the strip view (more on this later).
We rested, showered, changed, made another drink, bought a 24 hour bus pass, and headed out. We caught the bus in front of Harrah’s and went to Cookies for edibles. Their selection was meager compared to what we’re used to in New Mexico, but made the best of it. Ate an edible then hopped back on the bus, south this time, and took it aaaallll the waaaayyy down to the Mandalay Bay stop. We did not go to Mandalay Bay, though. Instead, we walked down a bit more and got some carne asada fries at a little place called Sayulitas. We consider ourselves carne asada fries experts because it is our go to when we drink and NM offers tons of delicious options. Sayulitas did an exceptional job - crispy fries, perfectly seasoned meat, tons of cheese and sour cream. Their salsa bar was stocked with some delicious and spicy salsas, as well.
From here, we caught the bus back North and decided to grab a dessert at Eataly - a place I had on one of my food lists, specifically for desserts. There, we spent $15 on an exceptionally delicious cream puff and chocolate square thing. Took them back to the room, ate them, and fell asleep.
Tuesday: The Vegas strip is loud. Even from the 11th floor of a hotel. The view was also kind of meh. I’m a light sleeper and that view wasn’t worth the terrible night of sleep. Before getting ready for the day, I went downstairs to inquire about a different room. The hotel staff was accommodating and friendly, but said that we would need to come back after 11am to see what was available.
With about 2 and a half hours to kill, we decided a breakfast adventure was the way to go. Eggslut is an often mentioned (and very popular) restaurant that can be found in the Cosmopolitan. Somehow, we missed the bus stop to go south (we walked south instead of north) and ended up walking to Eggslut by going through Bellagio. When we got there, the line was sufficiently long - about 20 minutes. Hungry and not wanting to walk, we decided to wait.
It was worth it for two reasons: 1. The food was delicious. The sauce, specifically, used on the sausage, egg, and cheese made my heart sing. 2. When we reached the front of the line, a dude who did not want to wait in line offered to buy our breakfast if we allowed him to add his order to ours. We agreed because who wouldn’t? Free breakfast? Absolutely.
With happy stomachs, we caught the bus and went back to the hotel. As mentioned earlier, the hotel staff was accommodating and switched our rooms without issue. Our new room had a view of the garden, the Sphere, and that big Ferris wheel thing - a MUCH nicer view. The room was also cleaner and so much quieter.
We rested, took another shower (NM is hot, but not like Vegas), got ready again, and decided it was time to start drinking. I should mention that we brought flasks with us, too. After taking a couple of shots each, we filled up our flasks and made a rum and coke to go (same Starbucks cups from the day before!).
Feeling rejuvenated from the new room and rest, a decent Kraken buzz in tow, we headed off without any specific plans. By the time we made it through The LINQ and to Harrah’s, we decided Fremont was the place to be. We downed our drinks, stored our cups in my drawstring backpack, and hopped on the bus. By the time we got off, we were feeling great and our time there became a little blurry, so here’s a quick rundown.
Went into a hotel to use the restroom, stumbled around until we found a Starbucks to get ice, took our 4th and 5th shots of the day in some alleys out of public view (drunk logic), saw a deal at Binion’s for a $6 burger and coke, watched some street performers, and by 4:30, we hopped back on the bus.
Craving a donut, we got off at Circus Circus to find the Krispy Kreme. After they rejected our free coupon, we headed up to the midway. The arcade games were expensive, so instead we talked with the game operators and waited for the 5:30 foot juggling show. The show, a whole 6 minutes in length, was AWESOME!
We stumbled around some more and at some point, we took another drink. Our 24 hour bus pass expired by 6:30, so we got on the bus again before then. Feeling tired, drunk, and hungry, we stayed on the bus all the way down the strip to enjoy the sights. By the time we made it to Town Square, we decided to get off, grab a bite, buy another bottle of Kraken, and go to the movies. We ate a $2 slice of Whole Foods pizza and watched Furiosa in IMAX.
It was after 10pm by the time the movie ended. We bought another 24 hour bus pass and went back to the hotel for a night of quiet and restful sleep.
Wednesday: We had a very slow morning. Which was nice because with kids, slow mornings don’t exist. We also spent much of our morning trying to decide whether we wanted to drink again or not. Inevitably, the Vegas logic set in, but it took some “pumping each other up” before it happened. Prior to that, however, we decided it was time to get a meal. As you could see, Monday and Tuesday involved a lot of snacking, so we wanted to sit down in a restaurant.
After much debate, Nacho Daddy was the winner. Our slow morning kept us in the hotel room until about 11am. We got ready, and refused to make the same mistake about the bus stop, so we walked north and crossed in front of The Linq to catch the bus down to the Cosmopolitan. Nacho Daddy was a short walk from there.
We did an order of the spicy grilled wings and fajita nachos. Both were yummy and exactly what we needed. As we were still in the “do we even want to drink again” phase, we stuck with water and our brunch, excluding tip, was $55.
Feeling full, we walked our food off in the Miracle Miles shops. It was quite empty and relaxing to walk through.
Walgreens was nearby, so on the way back to the hotel, we picked up more Coke Zero and another gallon of water. We grabbed the bus and went back to the hotel to rest.
It was around 4pm when we decided to start pumping each other up, and by 4:30pm, we had had another two shots each, a flask full of rum, and a couple mixed drinks in our Starbucks cups ready to go.
We left the hotel, heading north, and walking through The Linq again, Harrah’s and the Casino Royale. Feeling good, the moving walkways that lead into the Grand Canal Shoppes were calling our names.
While there, we did a ton of people watching. After some commentary on how a lot of the people look like replicas of Sims characters, we challenged each other to see who could complement more people the rest of the day. The only rule was that the compliment had to be genuine. Being together for 15 years, we know what the other person likes - cheating would take the fun out of the game.
As we left the Shoppes, we needed ice for another drink and Treasure Island was calling our names. On our way there, my wife complimented a person wearing a Seattle Krakens shirt - not because we’re fans…simply because we were drunk on Kraken (1-0).
Why are people so weird about filling up cups with ice in Vegas? Once in Treasure Island, I asked at Senior Frogs for ice. Rejected. Panda Express. Rejected. The lady that worked at Popeyes gave me ice, but I won’t lie…I had to turn on the charm. My wife socked me in the arm and we laughed as we took another shot and chewed those amazing ice cubes together.
As we left TI, I saw a dude wearing a Linkin Park Hybrid Theory shirt. The score was officially 1 to 1.
Sufficiently drunk at this point, we decided to catch the bus back to Fremont because we overheard people talking about the Neon Museum and our interest was piqued. On the walk to the bus, my wife complimented a guy with a lizard-shaped fanny pack (2-1).
Fremont was BUMPING by the time we got up there and the vibe was exactly what we wanted. We stumbled around, looked for ice, took pictures, and watched street performers. I spotted a gentleman with an incredible beard and tied up our score (2-2).
My wife chatted with a few ladies dressed as dominatrix, inquiring as to why they couldn’t leave their circle to take pictures with people and how difficult it was to get hours. She tipped them, we took some pictures, and, of course, she complimented them (3-2).
Afterwards, we saw an older man drinking McDonald’s coffee so my wife and I made a bet - was it coffee or something else? My wife said coffee. I said he was doing some secret drinking. A quick game of rock, paper, scissors, and my wife walked over to ask. It was coffee. I had to pay for the Neon Museum tickets. Fair enough.
We drank our last drink and headed off.
The Neon Museum is about a 10 minute walk from Fremont. If you go, I HIGHLY recommend a guided tour. Our tour guide, Steve, was INCREDIBLE and I made sure to tell him so…multiple times (3-3).
After the museum, we were fiercely hungry and decided that pizza, yes, again, was the best choice. My food list came in handy and Secret Pizza became our mission. A bus ride later, and we were back at the Cosmopolitan. It was fun, not having researched much about the pizza place but knowing it was meant to be hidden, to simply stumble around and find it.
By this time, my wife and I were incredibly drunk and making easy two-minute friends. We lost track of how many compliments we were throwing out. I tried engaging a dude wearing a Goku shirt about Dragon Ball Z, but he wanted to talk about his flight and the pizza he was waiting for, so I lost interest.
We got two slices of meat lovers and went on an adventure to find water.
We called it a night after this - it was close to 1am.
Thursday: Hungover and tired, we stayed in bed until it was time to check out. Grabbed a burger at Sickies Garage on the way to the airport and called it a trip.
We had plans to do more before leaving, but the best laid plans, amIright? Either way, it was a fun trip.
Was it a full “Vegas experience”? Maybe not to everyone that bothers to read this…We didn’t see any shows. We didn’t gamble a penny. We didn’t buy a single drink from a bar or a hotel and the latest we stayed up was 1am on Wednesday. Were we day drunk the entire time, though? Yep. Did we eat some good food? Yep. Did we talk to random people and see weird stuff? Yep.
What really defines a “Vegas experience,” after all? Tell me.
TLDR; We drank a lot and had a great time. Thanks, Vegas. :)

Hi,
so I live in Germany and a few weeks ago I ordered the black Steroids hoodie from Hello Merch. Shipping and taxes were kinda crazy and I ended up paying about 80 bucks (that's Euros). Thing is, I was pretty high when I ordered and accidentally ordered the wrong size (size S). I already ordered a bigger one but now I have this spare Steroids hoodie and if I return it, I'll only get about half the money back because the other half was shipping and taxes. So if any of you EU grippers would like to buy it from me and save a couple bucks (Euros), feel free to slide into my dms.

helllooo, i'm cupid. i'm a bit lost on friendships rn. i tend to want connections so badly & then my mental health dips, i panic + pull away. so, here i am -- trying to fix it. lemme show you. if you're curious about my face, let's get it out of the way now, this is me, the red/black split dye is the recent version of me.
if you're someone who wants a person who'll nurture you, i'm her. i will water you like you've never experienced a single drop of water in your life. i will tell you when you're wrong & i will stand up for you when i believe you to be right. i am wholeheartedly involved in my friendships but i just struggle with the feeling of being terrified to be connected to people. past friendships [& relationships] have left me scorned.
i will genuinely offer you diamonds in the form of friendship, just reciprocate it. i will offer you the safest, most non-judgement free zone you can imagine, you are always - always, safe with me. i just ask that you are a good, kind, compassionate friend to me. you can literally tell me anything in the world and if it isn't hurting anyone else, i will listen without judgment. i promise you. i'll also send you spotify songs that i really enjoy, so again - hi. hello.
i'm smitten with people who are weird but not weird enough to make others uncomfy, or unable to enjoy the weirdness, ya know? i know you know. i like people who are into things that others mostly aren't: tarot, astrology, deep conversations, things like that. i might not actively be participating in said things but i like hearing the perspective of people who are! my friends always joke that i'm the person people say "i can fix her!" about but uh, i'm awesome. i don't need fixed. ✨ i adore social connections but i do come with a social battery and it needs refilled. me needing that time does not negate the connection i have built with you and am nurturing with you. i am trying my hardest to maintain friendships, so please give me a chance.
on to the fun tingz (and the stuff that will hopefully bring you in),

• watching my first ever anime, try to guess it [let's pretend my first actual one wasn't death note & that it wasn't the live action] -- most people love the "blue eyed handsome one"
• i'm the best wingman, hypeman & support team all in one
• horror fan through & through, but honestly, i prefer them less gory now lol, especially emotional horror
• cat loverrrr but will accept your frog [& all other animals] - so send pics. stat.
• known for dirty looks when i'm dissociating but i'm really just so focused on not existing
• graphic design major who switched to cybersecurity & will be starting this month, wish ya girl luck 💅
• gamer [valorant, ow2, cs2, hunt: showdown, pummel party, modded Minecraft, modded stardew,++]
• i don't play league, my mental health is terrible enough, thank you. i also don't play wow, my attention span could never. i do, however, play valorant because i don't like myself that much. i got you there, didn't i?
• loves to make make random noises but forgets my krisp isn't on
• mexican food 4 ever
• someone give me a banh mi please, they look so good, i'm desperate
• spotify songs are a love language, so lemme recommend you something

i am ✨sPiCy✨so if that bothers you, i am sorry. i, again, am a genuinely kind person but i do have a snarkiness to me that is meant to be a slight "i love you" + dash of bully. ❤

helllooo, i'm cupid. i'm a bit lost on friendships rn. i tend to want connections so badly & then my mental health dips, i panic + pull away. so, here i am -- trying to fix it. lemme show you. if you're curious about my face, let's get it out of the way now, this is me, the red/black split dye is the recent version of me.
if you're someone who wants a person who'll nurture you, i'm her. i will water you like you've never experienced a single drop of water in your life. i will tell you when you're wrong & i will stand up for you when i believe you to be right. i am wholeheartedly involved in my friendships but i just struggle with the feeling of being terrified to be connected to people. past friendships [& relationships] have left me scorned.
i will genuinely offer you diamonds in the form of friendship, just reciprocate it. i will offer you the safest, most non-judgement free zone you can imagine, you are always - always, safe with me. i just ask that you are a good, kind, compassionate friend to me. you can literally tell me anything in the world and if it isn't hurting anyone else, i will listen without judgment. i promise you. i'll also send you spotify songs that i really enjoy, so again - hi. hello.
i'm smitten with people who are weird but not weird enough to make others uncomfy, or unable to enjoy the weirdness, ya know? i know you know. i like people who are into things that others mostly aren't: tarot, astrology, deep conversations, things like that. i might not actively be participating in said things but i like hearing the perspective of people who are! my friends always joke that i'm the person people say "i can fix her!" about but uh, i'm awesome. i don't need fixed. ✨ i adore social connections but i do come with a social battery and it needs refilled. me needing that time does not negate the connection i have built with you and am nurturing with you. i am trying my hardest to maintain friendships, so please give me a chance.
on to the fun tingz (and the stuff that will hopefully bring you in),

• watching my first ever anime, try to guess it [let's pretend my first actual one wasn't death note & that it wasn't the live action] -- most people love the "blue eyed handsome one"
• i'm the best wingman, hypeman & support team all in one
• horror fan through & through, but honestly, i prefer them less gory now lol, especially emotional horror
• cat loverrrr but will accept your frog [& all other animals] - so send pics. stat.
• known for dirty looks when i'm dissociating but i'm really just so focused on not existing
• graphic design major who switched to cybersecurity & will be starting this month, wish ya girl luck 💅
• gamer [valorant, ow2, cs2, hunt: showdown, pummel party, modded Minecraft, modded stardew,++]
• i don't play league, my mental health is terrible enough, thank you. i also don't play wow, my attention span could never. i do, however, play valorant because i don't like myself that much. i got you there, didn't i?
• loves to make make random noises but forgets my krisp isn't on
• mexican food 4 ever
• someone give me a banh mi please, they look so good, i'm desperate
• spotify songs are a love language, so lemme recommend you something

i am ✨sPiCy✨so if that bothers you, i am sorry. i, again, am a genuinely kind person but i do have a snarkiness to me that is meant to be a slight "i love you" + dash of bully. ❤

We’ve all been there: doomscrolling for hours, then thinking: “I’m quitting once and for all! Im getting a flip phone!”.
Well I’m here to tell you the truth: It’s stupid to get a flip phone. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Not only is it annoying to switch your sims and order a whole new phone, but you also lose core utility that just makes your life so much more inconvenient. You can’t be in iMessage group chats. Good luck with 2Factor Auth. Try sending an email on a numeric keyboard lol. The list goes on
After years of trying, and here’s my advice: instead of forcing a change, add the right amount of friction to your phone. you’ll gradually rewire yourself to use it less, which makes a hell of a difference. Try any or all of these things:

• Greyscale. Everything being black and white keeps your phone insanely boring. You’ll be way less likely to overuse it. Tip: set up a short cut that turns greyscale off when you open the camera app / Facetime. Look up a tutorial on how to set this all up (saw one by Denmo, a ytuber that was good)
• Make it hard to open social media. You can use the built in screen time features in iOS / android, but they don’t really help since it’s only 1 click to snooze. Instead, find an app that adds friction before opening social media (superhappy ai has worked well for me, makes you chat with an ai to unlock apps). In general, make it annoying, but not too annoying to use socials
• Make your bedroom phone free. Put a sign on your door if you have to. Just what ever you do never allow yourself to bring your phone into your bedroom. If you need it for your alarm just buy a clock.
• Phone lock box. I haven’t tried this but a few friends have. Get a timed lockbox and put your phone in it at night or when you need to focus for a few hrs (found a bunch on Amazon)
• Set an actual goal. Check in on your screen time every Sunday. If it’s not materially going down be harder on your self. Block more apps. Increase the difficulty to unlock them.

I feel like having discipline when it comes to using your phone is getting harder with every passing year. With that said new tech is incredibly useful so it doesn’t mean we should take a step back to flip phones but instead use the tools at our disposal.
Feel free to ask any questions, I’m happy to help. It is a tough problem to fix alone

Book One: Edge of Madness - Chapter One Previous Next
I could pretend to be a whore. That's what Masutap thought as she stood before the gate leading to the fortress of the Highlord of the Eastlocal. Pretense was a thing she indulged in back when she'd been an ordinary woman, with ordinary ambitions. But as of now, things had changed. Things had changed drastically, for she was now a champion of the Goddess of Order. A champion who would do anything in her power to mock the very being that fed her power.
Power, yes. It was what she felt. Every time her eyes turned upon the world, she saw Order. Like bees in a hive, working towards a similar objective. Survival. Yes, they all wanted to survive. And that's where the power lay, in her ability to deny a thing's chance at survival, for when her eyes flashed red, things died.
"Pardon me sir." A man dragging a cart of coal said. She was standing in his way, she knew this of course, she'd known it since the time he'd decided to deliver the coal. She saw the strings of prophesy in the smallest of things, and oh what power lied in discernment, to see the past and the future in absolute clarity, the secret lay in following strands of Order. The Highlord of the Eastlocal always received a cart of coal at around this time every fifth day. He would serve as her witness. Coal. She smiled, remembering how Orgeeg had managed to penetrate into the Palace of Binoria, on a stack of coal. She recalled how Orgeeg thwarted her plans, then she remembered how small her plans had been.
"Pardon me... Uh lady?" She removed her cowl as the Coal merchant spoke. Her hair was longer now, she'd let it grow, it dangled askew of her ears. Dark and rich as her mother's once was. Masutap smiled at the man whose face was caked in coal dust.
"Today Shama dies! Tonight the Highlord of the EastLocal is no more!" Masutap said.
Twin daggers she had strapped to her waist were suddenly in her hands. The coal merchant stumbled back several steps, dragging the cart with him. The sun was dipping into the horizon, becoming a smeared red smudge upon the canvas of her perception. Her eyes flashed red, and the smeared smudge's light brightened, blanketing everything, making her see.
She spun and threw the dagger in her left hand. The knife whirled in the air and met the throat of a guard who was just cresting the upper walkway of the gate, he wore red leather that marked him as one of the royal guards of the Highlord. A shout sounded. The guards at the gate turned their attention to her. They were six of them, each of them dazed with the slow reception of understanding. The bubble they lived in, understanding it enabled her to see how blind humanity is. Like sheep, no wonder the Vigons ruled them so easily.
She was in their midst before they drew their swords from their scabbards. She drove the dagger into the throat of the first one, danced in a pirouette, thrust free the dagger and hurled it into the throat of another guard. Her hands were free, she curled her fingers into fists.
The Goddess Meena, Goddess of Order, spoke to her. **What is the purpose of this?*
"Oh, you'll see." Masutap said and drove a fist into the chest of one guard, her hand caved through the chest cavity, snapping the spine in half and emerging free of the Guards back. She paused for effect, the three remaining guards gawked at her. She pried her arm free of the corpse and met their panicked gazes. "Sound the alarm, you're too few to make me sweat. I need all of you. Gods! Come on you fucking cowards!"
Two of the three guards charged her, one took a swing at her head with a flat blade, the sharp edge missed her by a hair's breadth as she ducked. She brought up her knee and connected with the man's groin, raising him off the ground, legs held apart, face contorted in pain. He collapsed on the ground with a squeal akin to that of a dying rabbit. The other guard put on a stance of Grind, legs parted, right foot before the left. Knees bent. He brandished his sword before him, and the guard behind him ran off to sound the alarm. Masutap smiled.
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He slept on a bed filled with whores. Talisi women with their dark skin and white hair, Remu women with their sandy peppered hair and copper skin, Binorian women with their blonde hair and pale milky skin. He was their God and they flocked to him in worship. He owned all of them, from the frailest to the most able bodied. From the smartest to the daftest. They were all his.
The Highlord of the Eastlocal observed the head of the Talisi woman resting on his thigh, her breathing was deep, her dark naked breasts rising and falling with every inhale and exhale. Five other women slept around him, each as beautiful as the last.
Of all the men in the realm, I alone am the honored one. Shama thought. He caressed his bulging belly with his pudgy fingers the size of sausages. His appearance did pass as grotesque. Bloated, balding with a cleanly shaven head, wide of girth and bow legged. Yet, no man has conquered the bodies of women as he had done. Women who lusted after tall handsome men. Women who sought capable men with astounding intelligence. They all gave in to him, none could deny him and when they did, well, there were ways to make them yield.
An orgy at noon. That was the gist of it, and another orgy before the midnight bell. Life was good, life was beautiful. Shama had thought that after the death of King Vayin Vigon in the hands of the infamous Kolotian, Ishar, that his wealth will dwindle, that his status will come down a step. That the might of Binoria will be a fickle thing after their first loss at war. But of course, this wasn't to be. The Queen, Dahli Vigon, had received the blessing of Meena, passed down from her father. As long as one with the Jojoh Meena, the blessing of Meena, still ruled, then things will stay as they've always been. Dahli had taken over, ensuring that Binoria didn't fall into anarchy, ensuring the Vigon name remained revered. The beautiful blonde haired girl was now the most potent soul upon the realm. How he longed to have her in his bed, parting those pale thighs sinuated with muscle. She'd become quite the fair lady. And her presence oozed power.
Shama wanted her but a thought kept his desires at bay. She'd frowned at him at the recent Highlords meeting with the throne. Apparently, his tastes and businesses didn't bode well with her. The selling of flesh, that is what he partook in with the zeal of a drowning man reaching for a floating oar. Importing women from all over the realm, some came willingly, others reluctantly. But in the end they all came. Their dignity thrown away for the promise of gold vigons. They filled the whore houses and men flocked to them in throngs, lining his pocket with gold vigons
It was his inventiveness that brought him to the top, the Highlord of the Eastlocal was once a position few envied. But his eye, trained in the art of commerce, enabled him to transform the east of Binoria. Creating a network that not only benefited him, but also the crown. And in so doing, despite her frowns and her reluctance to treat with him, she still couldn't voice her displeasure. Dahli needed him, she needed him for the coin necessary to maintain her position upon the crown. To line the pockets of her Legions. She needed him, and one day he will have her. No woman can deny him, and if they did, there were ways to make them give in.
Suddenly, the twin oak doors leading to his bed chambers flew open. The Captain of the Red Guard, in charge of his safety, Shang, walked in. "Highlord." He said with a bow, the women around him stirred. Outside, a bell started ringing, slowly at first then with extreme vigor. Something is wrong. Shang's obvious panic was clear to see. The opened door allowed him to see several Red guards crowded at the door.
"What is the meaning of this?" Shama asked, his beady eyes on Shang. An inhuman scream sounded somewhere within the fortress. Shama's blood chilled in his veins.
"There's an intruder." Shang said while ravaging through the clothes on the floor. He lifted a red jerkin, two sizes too large, the right size for the Highlord. He threw it at Shama and the Highlord hastened to put it on. He ignored the bewildered looks of the naked whores.
"Intruders or intruder?" Shama asked as Shang led him out of his bed chambers. Another scream sounded, closer. The guards at the door, seven of them, crested around him as Shang led the way.
"A woman, she's alone." Shang said.
Shama gripped Shang's arm, halting him. "What do you mean by this? A singular woman causing... causing... this?"
"She's..." Shang hesitated.
"Speak! You fool!"
"She seems to be inhumanly strong and fast. I only saw her fight through a blockade of my brothers, without a sword. She tore my brothers— the Red Guards, to pieces." Shang's eyes became glazed, as if his mind was replaying the mayhem he'd bore witness to. Shama let go of his arm. The trembling was taking him again, starting at the soles of his feet, up his spine around his neck to his hands. It had been so long since he felt this, the animalistic fear confounded on the existence of an unknown, an unknown that sought to see him dead.
"Captain, what is your course of action?" Shama asked.
Shang seemed to shake himself free of his trance. "We're going to take you to the stables, get you on the fastest steed and—" A scream echoed through the halls of the fortress of the Highlord of the Eastlocal. Checking everyone in place.
"What of provisions?"
"There's no time." Shang said. He drew a flat blade from the scabbard at his side. The Guards all around mimicked him, the rustling of steel could be heard, and there, at the Western end of the fortress, screams sounded.
Shang started a brisk walk towards the East end of the Fortress. His boots, soles lined with metal, clancked upon the ground. Shama shuffled close behind Shang, panting like a mare in heat. The Red Guards around him stole glances to their rear, sweat woven with fear formed a sleek mask upon their startled faces. And in those eyes Shama was able to weigh how dire matters were.
A shout sounded from ahead, bringing Shang to an abrupt stop. "How—" His words caught in his throat as a woman caked in blood and gore emerged from the bend linking the hallway they were in to another hallway that led to the stables.
She stood before them and spread out her bloody fingers at Shama. "Highlord, nice to meet you." She waved. "Say, I hear you can show a woman a good time and I'm in quite the mood for a good time tonight."
Shama trembled, the woman seemed vaguely familiar. The angles of her cheekbones , that nose, those eyes. She resembled Dahli.
"Moran and Jesul to me!" Shang commanded. Two of the guards behind Shama moved forward to flank Shang on either side. "Employ any forms, ensure I get close to her so I may employ the form of Awe."
Awe— the grappling technique that ensured the limbs were pinned. Shama saw Shang's ploy. He needed to contain the woman so Shama could move past them and head for the stables. Shama cursed himself for the design of his fortress that allowed for only one route to the stables.
Shang, Moran and Jesul raised their broad swords. One raising it above the head in a form of Rage, the other bringing the blade level with his face in the form of Pride. Shang lowered his blade and the guards flanking him charged, he followed close behind. The woman let out a cry that could only be translated as one of glee. She charged them.
Moran brought his sword down on the woman but she slid on her knees, allowing momentum to push her beyond the reach of his blade. Jesul thrust at her, raising his right leg and angling the sword downwards at her face. But the woman dodged, spun upon the ground on the small of her back and kicked Jesul's leg from under him. Jesul fell and as he raised his head he met with the woman's fist, there was a loud crunch as his face caved in. His hand let go of the sword as his body became limp.
Shang saw the opening and dived at the woman before she could stand. The woman spread her arms wide, welcoming. Shang pounced but instead landed on the woman's upraised knees, she grabbed his leather armor by the collar and flung him behind her and onto Moran. Both of them collapsed on the ground.
She stood up and smiled at Shama.
"Who are you?" Shama asked.
"I'm Masutap, the sister of Queen Dahli." The woman answered.
"Men! Turtle formation! Swords out, save the Highlord! Move you fools!" Shang said as he picked himself up from the ground behind Masutap.
The men around Shama compacted closer. Their swords pointing at Masutap who regarded them with a smirk upon her face. They inched forward, hesitantly at first, then with confidence as they saw their Captain pick up his sword. They all came to a stand still when the eyes of the woman glowed a fierce red, as if she held the Jojoh Meena. And Shama, the Highlord of the Eastlocal, trembled before her gaze.
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Intuition, the immediate cognition without the use of conscious rational processes. It was simple for her, she dodged the sword thrusts and swipes easily. She turned either way, always beyond reach of the blades, always within striking distance. Her strength was a thing of beauty, somehow her frail wrists held the power necessary to crush a throat and crush a throat she did. She didn't tire, she didn't require forms of combat. The power of the Goddess of Order coursed through her veins and with it came rejuvenation.
The Red Guards pounced on her, seeking to put in place the form of Awe. But their efforts were in vain, she side stepped them easily, always on her feet. She saw an opening and like a river emptying into the Rankf sea she took it, delivering a punch to the side of a Guard's chest, feeling as ribs broke and punctured the lung.
**What is the purpose of this?* The Goddess Meena spoke within her mind. An ever present being whose words sought to throw her off, to calm the tempest raging within her. Masutap didn't want calm, she wanted fire and brimstone, she wanted Binoria to burn so their precious Queen will rule nothing but ash. She decreed this with a war cry, plunging into the midst of the Red Guards. She kicked two, flinging them across the hallway. One thrust with his blade but she caught it between her arm and side, she twisted the blade free of his grasp, gripped the hilt and decapitated the man in one swift motion.
She parried a strike to her left, danced free of two thrust then brought the blade down onto a Guard's head. She felt as the blade bit bone and she wasted no time in pulling it free. **What is the purpose of this?* Meena asked once more.
Masutap took three steps back to widen her periphery. "An inferno." She said as she flexed her sword hand. Suddenly, the Guard who was definitely their Captain, reached into the mass of clustered Guards pressed to the wall, away from her. And pulled the Highlord free of the men surrounding him.
"Form a blockade!" He screamed as he tagged and pulled at the distraught Highlord, leading him towards the end of the hallway. The remaining Guards blocked her vision of them. Like a fool she'd been too enthralled by the battle, allowing the Highlord to slowly slip past her, cocooned in the safety of the Guards in their turtle formation. He was making clear his escape and somehow, this aroused her, blowing upon an ember lodged deep within her until it sparked.
**What is the purpose of this?* Like a parrot, the Goddess repeated her question.
"An inferno." Masutap answered and lunged.
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He was sweating profusely, his breath caught in his throat, causing him to choke on air. He followed Shang, feeling the Captain of the Red Guard's displeasure at his inability to keep up. They descended a flight of stairs, taking three at a time. He almost collapsed but the Captain steadied him.
"Not far now my Lord. Just at that bend before us." Shang said. They took the bend and ran clear of the fortress. The horses were just ahead, they rushed to them. Shama took delight in the open air. The stables were void of people, Shama wondered where the stable hands were. They entered the stable and Shang dragged him to the first cubicle on the right where a saddled horse stood.
Shama hastily climbed onto the saddle with the aid of the Captain. Shang placed his Highlord's feet in the stirrups and moved to flank the horse. "Lord." He said, fighting for solid ground that will enable his words to come forth easily. "It has been an honor to serve under you." Shama smiled but his smile proved too little a gesture to carry the weight or their current predicament. "Ride hard for the Capital, ensure the Queen knows of all that's gone down here. I will stay back and hold her for as long as I can." Shang concluded with a crisp salute. The Highlord nodded and with the guidance of his captain upon the horse's reins, they exited the stable "She is a good steed, see the mark of her coat? She can take you far." Shang said once free of the stables. A scream sounded from within the fortress, horrid in its guttural screech. "Go now my Lor—" Shang's words died in his mouth as an explosion erupted at the first floor of the fortress, stone parted, breaking as easily as a clay vase, the window panels and the glass set in place erupted outwards with the stone. Three figures tumbled free of the eruption, tangled in the air, twisting with the fall. They landed, the woman on her feet, knees bent and a fist pressed to the ground, the other two guards lay insensate upon the ground, their bodies a mangled mess. Shang slapped the horse's hide and Shama took of in a gallop.
The Highlord turned back, watched as the woman rose free of the debri and charged Shang. The captain employed a form of Grind but the Highlord's view was hindered by a sharp turn around the cobblestones towards the gate of his fortress. The blood and bodies upon the ground unsettled the horse, forcing its pace to be more hurried and Shama was all the more grateful for it.
She has the Jojoh Meena! Shama thought with awe as the horse broke free of the fortress in a quick gallop that had him bouncing upon the saddle. His thighs felt the brunt force of his escape but he could do nothing but hold on for dear life. This is what I'm reduced to, at the end of the line dependency thrives, in old age your children are those you depend on. I never thought I'd come to rely on anyone throughout my life. Yet here I am, depending on a horse to save my skin. He turned his head back and heaved a sigh of relief. The fortress was dwindling within his periphery, he had made quick his escape. Shama will live to see another day. And when the sun rises and sets, I will bring judgment upon the woman whose very existence rivals my own. Masutap. I will hunt her, she will know no safety within the realm, she will never know peace or a good night's slee— Something unnerved him. There, at the entrance to the fortress, a figure appeared. Following the path charted by his horse. She hopes to outrun my horse? He tilted his head back and laughed. There is faith and delusion and she seems to be enamored by both. To think her capable of outrunning a horse. What a fool what a— His thoughts halted when he turned back, his mouth dropped, his jaw hanging loose. Masutap was catching up, he did not know how but she was gaining on him. She'd been a speck in the distance, barely visible against the backdrop of the fortress. But now her features were getting more defined and her limbs, they were a blur as she pushed forward with inhuman speed.
Panic drove Shama into action, he kicked his heels at the horse's flanks. Willing it to go faster. "Run you fool! Run!" He was frothing at the mouth as the horse went downhill, cutting his view of the one in pursuit. He gripped harder at the reins and screamed, slapping the horse's neck. He looked back to see Masutap emerge upon the hill and start a quick descent after him. He thought about guiding the horse into the wilderness and thought against it seeing that a gallop won't be possible with trees in the way. His only hope was in outpacing her for surely, even one with the Jojoh Meena must tire. He hoped Masutap would relent, he hoped her bloodlust would have proved sated by the guards who'd met their end by her. He hoped that he would live to see the sun climb into the sky one more time. Darkness was setting in and suddenly thoughts of the sun and it's warmth sprouted a yearning within him that made him weep. He turned his head back, she was a hundred paces away. The horse was tiring, it's gallop lazed in vigor. This is the end then, all those afternoons spent indoors hosting orgies. I should have spent them beneath the sun, I should have spent them in the sun He looked back once more, his horse barely keeping pace. The horse threw a shoe and Shama was flung off it. He tumbled onto the ground, his weight rested upon his twisted knee, the sharp pop of the joint led him into an anguished wail. The horse screamed, its fore limbs oddly twisted. The horse thrashed upon the ground and Shama rolled away. He felt weak, he felt defeated and most of all, he felt hopeless.
He lay there, watching the sky, the moon was up, barely half of it adorned the night. He wished it had been full, all those nights when he'd regarded the sky as one would a thing of no consequence. Now he found himself wishing he'd appreciated it more. In the end regrets rule the mind, for in its dying wails no sound of gratitude can be heard.
She came and stood above him, her face blocking the view of the sky. She breathed loudly and for a moment the only sounds around them were from the injured horse and her.
"Dahli will come for you." He opined despite the throbbing pain within his twisted leg.
"Shama, darling," Masutap said as she lowered herself to lie beside him. She chuckled. "Darling, that word. The Goddess Meena loves that word. She uses it a lot. I find it distasteful yet here I am. Calling you darling."
"I have not time for pleasantries." Shama interjected. "Cut my throat and be done with it."
Masutap sighed. "That's not a creative way to kill someone you know. No, how many women have suffered pain beneath you? I have to give answer to that and that means a show. I will drag you to your fortress, there I will strip you naked and castrate you. I will feed you your cock as the women whom you took advantage of watch. Then we'll douse you in Rankf Oil and set you alight."
Shama started weeping. And a new voice joined the fray, he wept, she heaved and the horse screamed.
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helllooo, i'm cupid. i'm a bit lost on friendships rn. i tend to want connections so badly & then my mental health dips, i panic + pull away. so, here i am -- trying to fix it. lemme show you. if you're curious about my face, let's get it out of the way now, this is me, the red/black split dye is the recent version of me.
if you're someone who wants a person who'll nurture you, i'm her. i will water you like you've never experienced a single drop of water in your life. i will tell you when you're wrong & i will stand up for you when i believe you to be right. i am wholeheartedly involved in my friendships but i just struggle with the feeling of being terrified to be connected to people. past friendships [& relationships] have left me scorned.
i will genuinely offer you diamonds in the form of friendship, just reciprocate it. i will offer you the safest, most non-judgement free zone you can imagine, you are always - always, safe with me. i just ask that you are a good, kind, compassionate friend to me. you can literally tell me anything in the world and if it isn't hurting anyone else, i will listen without judgment. i promise you. i'll also send you spotify songs that i really enjoy, so again - hi. hello.
i'm smitten with people who are weird but not weird enough to make others uncomfy, or unable to enjoy the weirdness, ya know? i know you know. i like people who are into things that others mostly aren't: tarot, astrology, deep conversations, things like that. i might not actively be participating in said things but i like hearing the perspective of people who are! my friends always joke that i'm the person people say "i can fix her!" about but uh, i'm awesome. i don't need fixed. ✨ i adore social connections but i do come with a social battery and it needs refilled. me needing that time does not negate the connection i have built with you and am nurturing with you. i am trying my hardest to maintain friendships, so please give me a chance.
on to the fun tingz (and the stuff that will hopefully bring you in),

• watching my first ever anime, try to guess it [let's pretend my first actual one wasn't death note & that it wasn't the live action] -- most people love the "blue eyed handsome one"
• i'm the best wingman, hypeman & support team all in one
• horror fan through & through, but honestly, i prefer them less gory now lol, especially emotional horror
• cat loverrrr but will accept your frog [& all other animals] - so send pics. stat.
• known for dirty looks when i'm dissociating but i'm really just so focused on not existing
• graphic design major who switched to cybersecurity & will be starting this month, wish ya girl luck 💅
• gamer [valorant, ow2, cs2, hunt: showdown, pummel party, modded Minecraft, modded stardew,++]
• i don't play league, my mental health is terrible enough, thank you. i also don't play wow, my attention span could never. i do, however, play valorant because i don't like myself that much. i got you there, didn't i?
• loves to make make random noises but forgets my krisp isn't on
• mexican food 4 ever
• someone give me a banh mi please, they look so good, i'm desperate
• spotify songs are a love language, so lemme recommend you something

i am ✨sPiCy✨so if that bothers you, i am sorry. i, again, am a genuinely kind person but i do have a snarkiness to me that is meant to be a slight "i love you" + dash of bully. ❤

Ok, I know how the title sounds, but before ya’ll grab your torches and pitchforks, let me give you some background info. Also, sorry that it's a long post.
I (35 female) met my husband (40 male, we’ll call him Tom) 11 years ago. We were both still in the party phase of our twenties at that time. We drank and parties a lot,and had jobs where that sort of lifestyle was common (I was a waitress, and he had also worked in restaurants). During this time, my money was never well spent (obviously), and I got my car repoed twice, and had to move in with him to survive. This really made him reevaluate our current lifestyle.
Tom dragged me into a healthier lifestyle kicking and screaming. I still wanted to party, but I didn’t want to lose him. What we didn’t know at the time is that I had undiagnosed severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The party lifestyle was my way of self-medicating, and we didn’t find this out until much later.
I ended up getting a job as a medical assistant, and he finished his degree and got a government job. We moved across the country, got married, and had a baby, all while I didn’t really have a solid grasp on my mental health struggles.
After the birth of our daughter, I realized that I still had a lot of work to do in order to become the mother that she deserved. I finally saw my doctor about my struggles, got into talk therapy, and was placed on medication. It took a couple of tries, but I am finally on a good regimen, and my mental health is better than it has ever been.
I also took the birth of my daughter as an opportunity to quit my job and start working on a degree of my own. This is where the roles in Tom and my relationship started to become a problem.
As soon as we discussed my plan to go to school, Tom took it upon himself to find a college program for me, and he picked LPN (licensed practical nurse). I explained to him that while I wanted to stay in the medical field, I didn’t want to move into the world of nursing for a variety of reasons. He insisted that it was the best choice for our family, and that I would love it.
I told him that I really didn’t think it would suit me well, but that if he really wanted me to go into nursing, I should try to become an RN, because the pay would be better, and the training would be more comprehensive. He disagreed and said that we couldn’t afford for me to be in school for that long.
I really didn’t want to argue with him, and I felt myself shutting down, which is what I’ve always done when presented with conflict.
Day after day he would ask me if I had contacted the school he picked, or if I started the registration process. This constant pressure also made it very difficult for me to move forward. But finally, one day, while he was at work, and our daughter napped, I looked through the different programs available at the school that he picked. I found radiology technologist, and this quickly caught my interest. I called the school, scheduled my placement test, and was put in touch with who would end up being my advisor.
When he got home, I told him about what I had accomplished, and how excited I was about this particular program. He looked confused, and said something to the effect of “But I thought you wanted to do the LPN program? When did you change your mind?”
I explained, “No, you wanted me to do the LPN program, and I told you I didn’t want to get into nursing. I only agreed with you because you pushed it so hard. But look, this is also a two-year program, I’ll end up being an X-Ray tech, which I think will suit my strengths a lot better, and it has a lot of the same requirements.”
We ended up agreeing that Rad Tech was the best idea, but his has always insisted that LPN was my idea.
Fast forward two years. I am thriving in school, as a mother, and with my mental health. Our daughter is due to start pre-school in the fall, and I will be transferring schools to complete my degree. I have a 3.9 GPA, I am part of a prestigious honor society, and have earned numerous scholarships. I would like to think that I have grown up immensely in the past few years.
However, Tom still often treats me like a child. He does this in a lot of different ways. I’ll talk about buying a certain toy for our daughter, and if he doesn’t like the toy, he’ll usually just say “No, we’re not doing that.” If I push, he’ll say something to the effect of “You know how I feel about this,” which is his way of saying “End of conversation.” Whatever the issue is, we will almost always navigate through it and find a compromise. I don’t shut down with confrontation anymore and have gotten much better at arguing my points of view. But the way he talks to me seems super dismissive and has the same tone as a strict father talking to a rebellious teen. He can also be a complete man-splainer to an extreme degree.
I finally reached my breaking point with the way he talks to me yesterday. I had gone to my new campus to pick up my student I.D. and to walk around and get a feel for the place. I ended up being able to also get a copy of my class schedule before it was posted online. I realized that they had registered me for a class that I had already completed this past semester.
Tom called me while he was at lunch to chat, and I told him a bit about my day, and the mix up with my classes. I told him that I would make sure updated transcripts got sent to the campus, and I would email my advisor to discuss filling the slot with a different class (To be fair, I did say “with a B.S. class,” but obviously that isn’t how I would phrase it in the email). Tom started telling me “No, don’t do that. First, you have to make sure that you get new transcripts ordered, and then explain to him that you would rather take a humanities class. You can’t say a ‘B.S. class.’” He went on and on for a while.
Essentially, he took almost his entire lunch break to not only tell me what to do, but most of what he said, was what I had already planned on doing. When he had tired himself out with his rant, I stayed quiet, and just said “Ok.” He asked if I was mad, and I simply said “No, but please stop treating me like a child and trust that I will get this done on my own. You basically just took 15 minutes to tell me the exact same thing that I told you.”
Later that night, while I was cooking dinner, he opened the envelope that had my schedule in it, which had my name on it, not his, and started reading the schedule. This is a huge pet peeve of mine, but no matter how often I tell him this, he still does it. He then started trying to explain to me what all the different abbreviations on the form meant (which I already knew), and then started saying that he didn’t like how my schedule was set up. He thought it was too many classes one right after the other (it’s 3 classes in a row and would allow time for me to finish my school day early). He started telling me that I needed to tell my advisor to stretch out my schedule to allow time for a long lunch break, possibly with study time in between, yada yada.
I say yada yada, because I honestly stopped hearing what he was saying after a moment. Was he literally doing the exact same thing that I had asked him to stop earlier that day? Was he really man-splaining my class schedule to me? Was he really under the impression that he could tell me what to tell my advisor? I ended up cutting him off in the middle of whatever he was saying and said “Hey, you’re doing it again. Can you please stop treating me like a child? I’ll take care of this myself.”
He responded “You know I’m just trying to help. But if you don’t want my help, then fine. I’ll just shut up then.”
I lost it at that moment. The flood gates opened, and I honestly had no control over the words that came out of my mouth. I yelled that he wasn’t trying to help, that he was trying to dictate. I threw my GPA in his face, and explained how much I accomplished, while being the full time caregiver to our child, cooking every meal, running every household errand, and keeping our house spotless. I yelled that I wasn’t the dress over my head party girl who needed a guiding hand anymore, and that I was a grown ass responsible woman. I ended it with “You need to stop treating me like a Goddamn child and start treating me like a partner, because I’ve earned it.”
Tom was silent. We haven’t had a fight that involved yelling in years. He wasn’t used to this side of me at all. Eventually he apologized, said that I was right, and then went to have some alone time to process everything.
Here’s why I think that I may have been the asshole, and no, it’s not him trying to gaslight me into thinking I am. As I play the whole thing back in my head, I can’t help but think that I seriously crossed a line or two. First, our daughter, who is only two years old, was in the room with us. I never want us to be the type of parents that yell and scream in front of her.
Second, in the span of just a couple of years, I basically completely flipped the script on him. The beginning, and most of our relationship was spent with him being the grown up, and me being the screw up. I have essentially changed my entire brain chemistry with medication, have had talk therapy to help me grow as a person. Basically, I’ve reinvented myself. While all this has happened over the course of two years, you’d be surprised how quickly that time flies by in your late thirties/early forties, especially with a baby/toddler thrown into the mix. To Tom, it really could seem like this change, and my anger has come out of nowhere.
Also, just because I’ve changed, doesn’t mean that he has. He hasn’t been through the same hormonal and chemical changes that I’ve been through. Maybe I am the asshole for expecting the person he has always been to suddenly conform to the new me.
So what’s the verdict? Am I the asshole?

I am a huge horror freak who bleeds orange on a daily basis. I wanted to come through and find some friends since I've been working a bit more remote (and I personally enjoy forming more online connections.) My name is David, and I'm looking to have a get together with people who just love talking horror movies, horror games and playing them non-stop. I got Phasmo, Demonologist, Devour, a ton of the Resident Evil games with online components, Texas Chainsaw, DBD, Outlast Trials, etc. You name it, I got it.
The best kind of similarities are the ones we share together and this is where I wanted to start. I don't have many "rules" per say? Just be drama free (don't be a jerk) and relatively around the age range of 23 to 40+
Feel free to hop into my DMs anytime if this calls out to you, and I prefer using Discord. I hope to see you soon during this whole UNHALLOWEEN time :)) <3