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A safe place to go when times are hard
2012.04.12 02:08 theknightwhosays_nee A safe place to go when times are hard
Everything you should know about low risk and high risk HPV infections. Warts, genital warts, LSIL, HSIL. Please read /HPV rules and the posts pinned to /HPV.
2018.06.05 20:16 Nithe1986 CIALIS Tadalafil : Support and Discuss
CIALIS Tadalafil is used to treat male sexual function problems (Impotence or Erectile Dysfunction, ED). It works by helping to relax the blood vessels in the penis, allowing blood to flow into the penis causing an erection.Tadalafil is also used to treat the symptoms of an enlarged prostate (benign prostatic hyperplasia-BPH).It helps to relieve symptoms of BPH such as difficulty in beginning the flow of urine, weak stream, and the need to urinate frequently or urgently.
2015.06.03 23:14 ThisAppleThisApple Women with ADHD
Welcome to Women with ADHD, where we have two times the ADHD! We are a community of women with ADHD. We accept all who identify as female.
2024.05.14 03:52 TotalSalary5110 My uncle's 2 month SR streak report
Hi bros, today I would like to talk about my uncle's first journey report on SR.
First, let me give you guys a quick background story. He was a 48 year old man, no marriage, but got a younger girlfriend. So, the thing was that he implicitly revealed that "he was having difficulty time while pissing" in the CNY (Chinese new year) gathering with my family members in February. After hearing his implicit message, I told him privately that he should try SR, which was refrainning from releasing. Af first he said it was impossible for him, since he had sex quite regularly with his younger girlfriend (five times per week that was what he said). But things changed in March. He said it was really bothering him, because he still got difficulty in pissing, the symptom worsen after sex, even he had consumed some medicine (prostate relief pills) prescribed by doctor. The situation was that if he didn't take the medicine, the difficulty in pissing would still be there. So I sincerely recommend him again to try SR, for his health sake. He finally consented to give it a go. He started his SR journey on March 12th. No sex, no releasing till his pissing problem gone, which were what he consented to do (by the way, he didn't get the habit of corn watching).
Second, so after around 2 months time, last night he gave me a call. The followings was his report:
We all gotta stay strong and stay focus, we'll all be our best with SR. Cheers.
submitted by TotalSalary5110 to Semenretention [link] [comments]
First, let me give you guys a quick background story. He was a 48 year old man, no marriage, but got a younger girlfriend. So, the thing was that he implicitly revealed that "he was having difficulty time while pissing" in the CNY (Chinese new year) gathering with my family members in February. After hearing his implicit message, I told him privately that he should try SR, which was refrainning from releasing. Af first he said it was impossible for him, since he had sex quite regularly with his younger girlfriend (five times per week that was what he said). But things changed in March. He said it was really bothering him, because he still got difficulty in pissing, the symptom worsen after sex, even he had consumed some medicine (prostate relief pills) prescribed by doctor. The situation was that if he didn't take the medicine, the difficulty in pissing would still be there. So I sincerely recommend him again to try SR, for his health sake. He finally consented to give it a go. He started his SR journey on March 12th. No sex, no releasing till his pissing problem gone, which were what he consented to do (by the way, he didn't get the habit of corn watching).
Second, so after around 2 months time, last night he gave me a call. The followings was his report:
- The pissing problem gone, even if he didn't consume any relief pills, pissing difficulty just gone, it was like out of no where, he was quite surprise.
- He found that his skin got way better, more smooth, more shinny like a glow right here and there.
- He found out that his energy and focus were skyhigh.
- He found out that he sweat less, and less bad odor down there.
- He found out that after only 2 weeks time, he got morning wood hard as mountain rock (that was what he described his erection condition to me lol)
- He found out that his legs were nimble and strong, like no more shaking legs walking up stairs.
We all gotta stay strong and stay focus, we'll all be our best with SR. Cheers.
2024.05.14 03:28 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC GETS MYSTERIOUS SURPRISE
CANCER ZODIAC GETS MYSTERIOUS SURPRISE
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2024.05.14 03:00 thebeanshadow Current list of Australian TRT Clinics + Where to get bloodwork + Things to consider before starting + Types of TRT
This was created as a place to feel welcome, and to discuss and talk about all things TRT in Australia.
We have an influx of clinics opening up here, with an influx of new people to TRT, and it's only growing
(did you know GP prescribed testosterone has risen over 500% in the last 10yrs worldwide...)
Below is a breakdown of TRT, clinics and bloodwork.
TYPES OF TRT
There are a few methods of TRT in Australia and the world.
Injectable testosterone -- this is the standard type of TRT method with the most amount of research and usage to date. Typically injected Intra-Muscularly, but with more data showing that SubQ injections are just as effective and could potentially have lower side effects due to the slower release
Testosterone Cream & Gel -- Topical ointments can be great due to not having to inject weekly, daily etc, just apply and carry on, but, with topicals, especially Gel - the risk of transfer to other people is very high, you also don't know how much is actually getting absorbed into your skin, and generally you aren't allowed to swim for 6hrs post application
Enclomiphene & Clomid -- This tablet form of TRT has some popularity as it doesn't shut down your natural production and helps to raise it instead, it is also one step even easier than topicals but the overall effectiveness and long term use aren't fully understood and anecdotally seem to be less effective over time and may stop working.
HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) - another injectable form of TRT but instead of replacing the bodies natural production with an exogenous source, HCG will instead stimulate LH production, almost "forcing" the body to produce naturally -- HCG is often used alongside injectable testosterone to maintain testicular function and natural production
** Some people have success with all forms of TRT, but anecdotally, injectable TRT is still the king of testosterone.
CLINICS
If you are looking for a reputable clinic, below are some clinics that are recommended by Aussies;
PHC - Performance Health Clinic * No yearly or ongoing fees, a pay as you go service, with a more hands off approach + bloodwork every 3mths + cost of medication
EMC - Enhanced Mens Clinic *$1000 yearly fee + bloodwork every 3mths + cost of medication
Primal Zone *$350 initial consult, $100 bloodwork review + cost of medication
The Functional Doctors - over 40s clinic * Bloodwork every 3mths ($300 panel must be done) + $300 consults every 3mths + cost of medication
XY Theraputics - Over 40s clinic * Byo bloodwork or $210 in-house panel. Start up; $299=consult and blood tests $150=consult plus BYO bloodwork - ongoing costs $92 consult and review
TRT Australia * Yearly $860, Quarterly $240, Semi-Annualy $480 - Includes medication, bloodwork review (BYO blood), check-ins
PRIVATE BLOODWORK If you have a good GP that will do bloodwork, that can be a lifesaver, but if not, these companies are trusted and can usually have results within 24hrs.
iMedical * Recommended tests to get before starting your journey are Sports BB2 $172, BB3 $186, BB4 $248
RoidSafe * A smaller set of testing compared to iMedical, but for $50, you can get a snapshot of your bloodwork. This is perfect for patients who know how to read bloodwork and just want to monitor.
Things recommended to check before starting TRT or the journey to TRT;
Semen analysis - It's important to check your sperm health and count before starting as testosterone, sex hormones and your sperm all work closely together - and if you want to have children in the future; you absolutely need a baseline
Sleep study - A very large portion of men have sleep apnea that is directly linked to low testosterone levels, it's important to rule this out as it could be a large contributing factor to how you feel and what your levels show
Full blood panel - You're not just checking testosterone levels, you're checking everything, Vitamin D, Thyroid, Testosterone, Prostate. You need a full panel to be able to tell a full story. And even then, your lifestyle can tell an even bigger part of the story to what's on the paper in front of you.
It's important to remember that TRT can be life changing for a lot of men, but changing your life even the smallest bit can help just as much, as low T symptoms can be caused by a plethora of other illnesses or issues and you need to rule out everything you can;
TRT is generally a "for life" dependant medication; meaning if you have low T and you want normal testosterone levels, you will need to be on TRT for life. You can come off at any time, but you will go back to the original baseline levels you had before starting, and in some cases, go back lower than baseline.
submitted by thebeanshadow to AusTRT [link] [comments]
We have an influx of clinics opening up here, with an influx of new people to TRT, and it's only growing
(did you know GP prescribed testosterone has risen over 500% in the last 10yrs worldwide...)
Below is a breakdown of TRT, clinics and bloodwork.
There are a few methods of TRT in Australia and the world.
Injectable testosterone -- this is the standard type of TRT method with the most amount of research and usage to date. Typically injected Intra-Muscularly, but with more data showing that SubQ injections are just as effective and could potentially have lower side effects due to the slower release
Testosterone Cream & Gel -- Topical ointments can be great due to not having to inject weekly, daily etc, just apply and carry on, but, with topicals, especially Gel - the risk of transfer to other people is very high, you also don't know how much is actually getting absorbed into your skin, and generally you aren't allowed to swim for 6hrs post application
Enclomiphene & Clomid -- This tablet form of TRT has some popularity as it doesn't shut down your natural production and helps to raise it instead, it is also one step even easier than topicals but the overall effectiveness and long term use aren't fully understood and anecdotally seem to be less effective over time and may stop working.
HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) - another injectable form of TRT but instead of replacing the bodies natural production with an exogenous source, HCG will instead stimulate LH production, almost "forcing" the body to produce naturally -- HCG is often used alongside injectable testosterone to maintain testicular function and natural production
** Some people have success with all forms of TRT, but anecdotally, injectable TRT is still the king of testosterone.
If you are looking for a reputable clinic, below are some clinics that are recommended by Aussies;
PHC - Performance Health Clinic * No yearly or ongoing fees, a pay as you go service, with a more hands off approach + bloodwork every 3mths + cost of medication
EMC - Enhanced Mens Clinic *$1000 yearly fee + bloodwork every 3mths + cost of medication
Primal Zone *$350 initial consult, $100 bloodwork review + cost of medication
The Functional Doctors - over 40s clinic * Bloodwork every 3mths ($300 panel must be done) + $300 consults every 3mths + cost of medication
XY Theraputics - Over 40s clinic * Byo bloodwork or $210 in-house panel. Start up; $299=consult and blood tests $150=consult plus BYO bloodwork - ongoing costs $92 consult and review
TRT Australia * Yearly $860, Quarterly $240, Semi-Annualy $480 - Includes medication, bloodwork review (BYO blood), check-ins
iMedical * Recommended tests to get before starting your journey are Sports BB2 $172, BB3 $186, BB4 $248
RoidSafe * A smaller set of testing compared to iMedical, but for $50, you can get a snapshot of your bloodwork. This is perfect for patients who know how to read bloodwork and just want to monitor.
Semen analysis - It's important to check your sperm health and count before starting as testosterone, sex hormones and your sperm all work closely together - and if you want to have children in the future; you absolutely need a baseline
Sleep study - A very large portion of men have sleep apnea that is directly linked to low testosterone levels, it's important to rule this out as it could be a large contributing factor to how you feel and what your levels show
Full blood panel - You're not just checking testosterone levels, you're checking everything, Vitamin D, Thyroid, Testosterone, Prostate. You need a full panel to be able to tell a full story. And even then, your lifestyle can tell an even bigger part of the story to what's on the paper in front of you.
TRT is generally a "for life" dependant medication; meaning if you have low T and you want normal testosterone levels, you will need to be on TRT for life. You can come off at any time, but you will go back to the original baseline levels you had before starting, and in some cases, go back lower than baseline.
2024.05.14 02:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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2024.05.14 01:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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2024.05.14 00:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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2024.05.13 22:38 austin4p Could it be Fibromyalgia?
 | As someone deeply familiar with healthcare, I've witnessed firsthand the early signs and symptoms of fibromyalgia impacting both men and women. This condition, often misunderstood and misdiagnosed, manifests uniquely in each individual. submitted by austin4p to painwarrior [link] [comments] For women, the onset of fibromyalgia might present as widespread pain, fatigue, and heightened sensitivity to touch. The tender points in the body become painful, affecting daily activities. Women may also experience sleep disturbances, cognitive issues known as "fibro fog," and mood irregularities. In contrast, men with fibromyalgia may exhibit symptoms like muscle stiffness, joint pain, and digestive problems. Fatigue and sleep disturbances play a significant role in their daily lives too. Men often report decreased physical endurance and increased irritability as symptoms progress. Regardless of gender, the invisible nature of fibromyalgia can lead to challenges in diagnosis and treatment. Its symptoms can mimic other conditions, complicating the diagnostic process. Therefore, it's crucial for individuals experiencing persistent pain, fatigue, and other symptoms to seek medical evaluation for accurate diagnosis and management. By shedding light on the early signs and symptoms of fibromyalgia in both men and women, we strive to raise awareness and encourage proactive healthcare practices. Understanding how this complex condition can manifest differently in individuals is essential for promoting early intervention and improved quality of life for those living with fibromyalgia. |
2024.05.13 21:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
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2024.05.13 21:23 crunklebones overwhelming guilt
that's it. i just feel so insanely bad that people have to deal with me being the way i am despite years and years of trying to control this stupid disorder that's ruined my life
i only have online friends left, had a massive falling out with IRL friends that i don't miss but three years of not having anyone to see besides my parents every day is soul crushing. i'm too disabled to work after sudden onset fibromyalgia back in 2019 and i haven't found anything to help the symptoms, i am currently seeing a doctor i trust but i've literally only been to him once so there just isn't much time to really sit down and try to find the cause. he's also treating the PMDD but we're still very early in that as well. i'm on viibryd and lamictal so i'm medicated but it's too early to see real results with the lamictal. i've been more stable the past 5 days but it's like im feeling all of it at once instead of the slow burn
idk. i have only been talking to the few friends i have left maybe once or twice month for over 2 years now and that's mostly just to say "hey i'm not dead yet" they're wonderful people, i love them so much and they're all very patient and understanding and know that the pmdd is extremely severe and that the safest thing for me to do (for myself and for them) is to isolate so i can try and rest and not potentially blow up on someone during a rage episode.
my most favorite person in the world sent me a dm a few weeks ago that was essentially "you say the word and i am driving ten hours to come see you and we're going to go have fun" and i just lost it. lost my fucking mind because i read that message and all i could think was "but what about my period what if i'm in luteal" and had the worst word vomit of my life trying to express gratitude but also that i just don't know if i will ever be ready for life again. i don't know if i will ever be pleasant to be around ever again. sure, i get my good week if im lucky that cycle but it's all spent trying to recover from 10-14 days of emotional trauma made by own fucking stupid body and trying to prepare myself for The Horrors Yet to Come
i just want to go back in time and never have met these people just to save them the pain of having known someone who ended up being so profoundly mentally ill kind of out of nowhere when i tried micronor back at the end of 2021 and have been violently depressed since. it's not even that i'm upset with them in any way at all, i just feel so guilty for having made friends and now having psychic powers to know everything would go to hell so fast
i know it's illogical, i know i can't keep myself from making a connection ever again in my life because what if a bad thing happens, i know i'm in luteal on top of a late period. i fucking wish that knowing that i'm in luteal made anything better but if anything i think i feel worse knowing it's just a reaction to a hormone my body makes. i'm transgender so it's an extra kick in the teeth that not only did i get a body that doesn't look right but it doesn't work right either- so many things that have traumatized me and made me worse off mentally could have been solved if i had just ended up with a dick and balls instead of the uterus set up
i just want it to end. i am a massive burden to my parents and i know seeing me in this much pain upsets them and there's nothing they can do about it. my only sibling killed himself years ago so i'm the only child they have left. i wish that i could say "well everyone sorry but it sucks too bad and i am ready to die now" and the answer would be "aw we'll miss you but if this is the only way to make the suffering stop we'll send you out with a bang"
i'm tired. i'm trying to distract myself until the bleeding starts but i'm so scared i won't feel better this time and it's so hard to try and stay focused on literally anything through the luteal fog. i know that it's the PMDD talking but my fucking god it makes me feel all the more insane to know this is just going to keep happening to me until we throw a dart in the dark and manage to hit something that might work for a little bit
i feel like an old dog that needs to be let go of but no one else is ready so they're keeping it alive for their sake. it feels so cruel to not let me end it when i'm the one who has to sit through this for the rest of my life that i didn't ask for
this is very long and very dramatic and i am hoping that in like 20 minutes i finally get my period and then i get a little embarrassed about crying really hard on the Internet to a bunch of strangers and then get on with it but god i am so sick of this. i wish they could inflict the emotional turmoil on cis men so someone would find a fucking cure or at least acknowledge that it's real
submitted by crunklebones to PMDD [link] [comments]
i only have online friends left, had a massive falling out with IRL friends that i don't miss but three years of not having anyone to see besides my parents every day is soul crushing. i'm too disabled to work after sudden onset fibromyalgia back in 2019 and i haven't found anything to help the symptoms, i am currently seeing a doctor i trust but i've literally only been to him once so there just isn't much time to really sit down and try to find the cause. he's also treating the PMDD but we're still very early in that as well. i'm on viibryd and lamictal so i'm medicated but it's too early to see real results with the lamictal. i've been more stable the past 5 days but it's like im feeling all of it at once instead of the slow burn
idk. i have only been talking to the few friends i have left maybe once or twice month for over 2 years now and that's mostly just to say "hey i'm not dead yet" they're wonderful people, i love them so much and they're all very patient and understanding and know that the pmdd is extremely severe and that the safest thing for me to do (for myself and for them) is to isolate so i can try and rest and not potentially blow up on someone during a rage episode.
my most favorite person in the world sent me a dm a few weeks ago that was essentially "you say the word and i am driving ten hours to come see you and we're going to go have fun" and i just lost it. lost my fucking mind because i read that message and all i could think was "but what about my period what if i'm in luteal" and had the worst word vomit of my life trying to express gratitude but also that i just don't know if i will ever be ready for life again. i don't know if i will ever be pleasant to be around ever again. sure, i get my good week if im lucky that cycle but it's all spent trying to recover from 10-14 days of emotional trauma made by own fucking stupid body and trying to prepare myself for The Horrors Yet to Come
i just want to go back in time and never have met these people just to save them the pain of having known someone who ended up being so profoundly mentally ill kind of out of nowhere when i tried micronor back at the end of 2021 and have been violently depressed since. it's not even that i'm upset with them in any way at all, i just feel so guilty for having made friends and now having psychic powers to know everything would go to hell so fast
i know it's illogical, i know i can't keep myself from making a connection ever again in my life because what if a bad thing happens, i know i'm in luteal on top of a late period. i fucking wish that knowing that i'm in luteal made anything better but if anything i think i feel worse knowing it's just a reaction to a hormone my body makes. i'm transgender so it's an extra kick in the teeth that not only did i get a body that doesn't look right but it doesn't work right either- so many things that have traumatized me and made me worse off mentally could have been solved if i had just ended up with a dick and balls instead of the uterus set up
i just want it to end. i am a massive burden to my parents and i know seeing me in this much pain upsets them and there's nothing they can do about it. my only sibling killed himself years ago so i'm the only child they have left. i wish that i could say "well everyone sorry but it sucks too bad and i am ready to die now" and the answer would be "aw we'll miss you but if this is the only way to make the suffering stop we'll send you out with a bang"
i'm tired. i'm trying to distract myself until the bleeding starts but i'm so scared i won't feel better this time and it's so hard to try and stay focused on literally anything through the luteal fog. i know that it's the PMDD talking but my fucking god it makes me feel all the more insane to know this is just going to keep happening to me until we throw a dart in the dark and manage to hit something that might work for a little bit
i feel like an old dog that needs to be let go of but no one else is ready so they're keeping it alive for their sake. it feels so cruel to not let me end it when i'm the one who has to sit through this for the rest of my life that i didn't ask for
this is very long and very dramatic and i am hoping that in like 20 minutes i finally get my period and then i get a little embarrassed about crying really hard on the Internet to a bunch of strangers and then get on with it but god i am so sick of this. i wish they could inflict the emotional turmoil on cis men so someone would find a fucking cure or at least acknowledge that it's real
2024.05.13 21:05 dbwip [FN] The World of Neron
People say it's childish to be afraid of the dark. They say it's a symptom of an overactive imagination. And yet the same people- all people- know that you don’t go out at night, not without light or charm. And everyone knows, instinctively, in the marrow of their bones, that you don’t go out on a moonless night.
I had been out on a moonless night for days. Most people can’t tell, but once you're trained, you can- Darkness loves darkness. She likes to stretch her time out as long as she's possibly able. Everyone wants to spend time with kindred spirits. It’s nature, human or otherwise.
There’s nothing I can do about it, so I do my best to enjoy it. After all, you have to pick your battles, and my gun makes it pretty easy to figure out which ones I can win. She's a lovely gun. Big, which is fine with me, because I need all the power she can muster. Nine custom rounds rotate through, each enchanted by my own self. Not as effective as a professional enchantment, but I get by, and it’s a hell of a lot cheaper.
The only light came from the muzzle flare of my pistol. They smothered my campfire long ago, leaving me with only the vaguest sense of where they were, occasionally silhouetted against the trees when I fired. They were big, looming over me, high into the crooked trees and the moonless sky behind them. Who could say how long tonight would last?
I try not to cast on Nights, because it just acts like more of a beacon than I already am, but sometimes it just can’t be helped. My chest burned as I threw up a Buffer against a sudden wave of creatures, but they tore it down before it hardly had time to help. I bit down and cast a Warding, felt my arm burn harshly in the wild energy of the new moon and felt the following cold cut its way through my flesh and deep into my bones. Popping the spent rounds out with my right hand, my left knitted itself into the Ward shape automatically, trained by years of habit. Now I’ve really done it, I thought, because I could practically sense them perk up from miles off, even without casting a Seeing. It worked, though, and I was given brief respite for my efforts. I’d sure as hell pay for it in about 10 minutes, but for now I needed to stop bleeding and deal with the sensation of a drill pressed to the back of my skull.
“Skippers,” I growled. I hated Skippers.
The problem with Skippers is they’re small, harder to notice than anything else, and instead of trying to take off your head they try to get into your head. From there they can do whatever they want while you watch- make you walk off a cliff, bite off your own tongue, flay yourself alive. Like I said, whatever they want, and they're usually pretty mean. I’d seen them really go to work on all sorts of people, mostly people I knew and trained with. Hazards of the job- sorcerous training let you see a whole new world, but it opened you up to the threats that lived there, more so than regular folk. I was in worse shape than most sorcerers, which was part of what put me out at Night in the first place. Luckily, I’m better than most sorcerers, but it still meant I had to be careful.
To get rid of a Skipper, all you have to do is burn them off with a little Light. I'd needed the break- 3 of them dripped out of me right away, and a fourth started to run down my back as it tried to escape.
“Bastard.” I struck it with the handle of the gun as it slithered away. No sense wasting ammo on idiots like that.
The Ward wavered, the Night grew around me, and I hadn't even had time to heal anything. Damn.
Sam watched from behind the counter as the man walked through the door. Under the door, rather, as he had to duck to keep from hitting his head. He was pale, very pale, unlike the merchantfolk that usually came through the inn. His face was covered by a bushy beard, his hair was long, and his eyes were rimmed with red, but he could certainly be no older than 40. It was strange- for someone to come in so early in the morning, and look so tired- he must have been traveling all night, but he had no horse to be stabled.
The stranger was an armory- small blades and strange, bulbous jars jutted out from pockets and packs all over the man, daggers strapped to his legs, and even metal nubs in the knuckles of his gloves. What caught Sam's attention, though, was the man's huge gun, strapped tightly to his waist. He had never seen a gun that big, and the ammunition the man was carrying in the sacks around his waist must have weighed heavily on him, though he showed no signs of it.
“What does it cost for a room?” His voice did not match the tired, worn image in front of him. It was firm, and had the sound of recent laughter in it.
“Let me get my mom.” Sam began, starting for the back room. He never handled rooms.
“That's alright. You'll do fine. How much?” The man pulled out a purse, smaller than the other bags on his belt, and it was clearly much lighter than anything else he carried. “I’d like to find a bed and use it.” His voice did not betray him, nor did his hands, but the redness of his eyes did. They were a startling blue, and they seemed to contain nothing except exhaustion.
“I need your name,” Sam remembered as he directed the giant stranger to his room. The man's eyes, just for an instant, darted to one side before returning to Sam.
“Joan,” he said.
“O-kay.” Sam jotted the name down. “Two nights, food at 7 and 7, anything else you pay for.” He began to walk the man down the hall. “Strange accent. Are you from Melano, or Baden?” He didn’t really know what those accents sounded like, but he knew they were far from Newmark.
“No.” Joan walked into the room indicated with no further comments.
Sam stopped at the door while the man called Joan dropped his bags to the floor. “What kinda gun is that?”
“Mine,” he said simply, as he unbundled it’s holster from his belt. “I make the ammunition myself most of the time.”
“It's impressive. My paw was a soldier, and he showed me his old gun once, only it was a lot smaller than yours, and all rusted out besides, but-" Sam stopped as the man removed his cloak. There was a bright gash, still oozing dark blood, working its way up the man's side behind the thick leather plates. “Holy cripes! You oughta see a doctor, sor!”
Joan gave no indication that he could even feel the wound, nor did he instantly react when the boy cried out. “This? It looks a lot worse than it is. Rest, and solitude,” and here he looked at Sam, “will do me more good than any doctor from this town.” He moved to close the door, and against Sam's protest seemed to shut him out with no effort at all.
He ran down the hall to inform his mother of their newest guest.
I didn’t want the kid to see what I had to do next. It really wasn’t that bad- on the outside. Because we put so much ourselves in the spiritual world, the physical world didn’t matter so much. But it’s all tradeoffs. It had cut a pretty chunk out of me spirit-wise, and that hurt worse than any gash could. Really, I was better off than most sorcerers would’ve been with a cut like this- I had less to lose. Doesn’t make it hurt any less, though.
I Worked a minor Healing, but anything more would’ve taken more out of me than I could hope to regain, so the rest had to be resigned to sleep. Stupid. I should never have let anything get that close anyway, but it seemed like the Skippers were going crazy last Night.
I was too tired even to dream. A small blessing.
Waking up was not pleasant- I was stiff and sore, and still hurting something fierce. And cold, of course. Always cold. The physical wound had scabbed over, and I figured I would get away with just a minor scar. My innards were still shredded, but marginally less so than before, so I could breathe without grimacing. I expected I’d be laid out for a few days yet. Lucky, since Night had just passed, so things would be calm for almost the entire month now.
Exhausted as I had been, I had no Wards up, nothing even blocking the door. Nice going. Practically begging for a stray to wander in and eat you. As I flipped the coin I’d lifted off the kid, I examined the room for anything that might have snuck in, but it was clear. This time.
It was around this point that I realized how hungry I was. It had been (what felt like) days without a hot meal, and apparently this podunk little inn could provide, so I wandered out to the main room to see if I could scare up some food.
When the kid saw me, his eyes widened. That’s never a good sign. Recognition meant questions, and the answers to those questions usually meant getting pushed to the next town before I had time to heal. I had been hoping to score a decent meal and a bath, at least.
Sam could hardly believe his eyes. “Criminy, sor, but I didn’t expect you to be up at all! It's barely been a day!” The cut had been bleeding heavily, and very deep, he was sure of it, but now the man was clean and walking as if he had never been injured.
The stranger called Joan sat heavily at a table, ignoring the implied question. “Any chance of a man getting some food around here?” He inquired. “Or, perhaps,” and he glanced at the barrels of ale behind the counter, “some drink?”
San quickly filled him a tankard and plate from supper earlier, then sat himself at the table, as the crowd in the room dwindled down to a late few. The man interested him. He did not seem to interest the man, however, as Joan simply ate and drank in silence, apparently unbothered by his wound. He was still pale, almost deathly so, but Sam had heard tell of people from far north being much lighter than the tanned workers of nearby towns.
“Are you a soldier?” Sam didn’t know much about the war to the south, but occasionally troops passed through, and he had heard his ma talk in the back room about an extra levy because the Northern Kingdoms were allied. “I never saw someone carry so many weapons that weren't a soldier. What are those jars you carry? Is that them new bombs they been talking about? With gunpowder, only you throw the jar so it’s like a cannonshot?” Sam did not know much about weapons, either, but he saw so few soldiers come through that he had to learn what he could, if he was going to join the war when he was of age.
“Sure, kid.” Joan tapped his empty tankard on the table and placed down the coin he had been flipping. Sam ran to fill it up again before sitting back down.
“So did you come from the southern border, where all the fights are? What's happening? Are we winning? We have all kinds of the Northern Kingdoms working together, right? We must be winning!”
“The southern border? No, no, I didn’t come from the southern border,” he snorted. “That whole war is just nonsense anyway. The Northern Kingdoms, in some alliance or another, have had it out for Onis since time began. Maybe even before. The war is just an excuse to keep the money rolling in. Seems like there’s less and less of it than ever.” He mumbled this last part into his cup.
“That’s- that’s not true!” Sam's pa had fought, same as Sam would. “The war is important! Onis could really invade anytime! Besides, you said you were a soldier. If you aren’t fighting in the war, how can you be a soldier?” Joan did not answer, but he reached for his sleeve for a moment as if to roll it up, then seemed to catch himself at the last second. Was he a deserter? “Are you a deserter?” Sam blurted out, realizing a second late that he was pushing his luck. Joan just tapped his mug again.
Sam's ma hurried over. “So sorry for this one, sor, he has a bad habit of being curious.” She cuffed him on the ear and it smarted.
“It's no problem, mam.” The stranger smiled warmly, but in his eyes there was nothing. It was a chilling sensation. “He fills my cup just fine.” His ma dragged him off before Sam could object, and Joan got up before Sam could return.
Broder laughed as he took Flander for another hand. Three hands up, he was, and showed no signs of slowing. He stopped, though, as a big man in a heavy cloak came to the table.
“Deal me in?” His voice, deep and rich, did not match the weathered exterior. The man was no farm hand, that much was clear. More a mercenary sort. Broder glanced around the table, but no one seemed to object outright, so he shrugged. One more fool for the best poker man in the west side of Newmark. “Promise I know the rules.”
“Can you make ante, pal?” Jaten sized him up from across the table, suspicious from the long, ratty hair sitting on his shoulders and the general sense of dirtiness emanating from the man. He didn't notice what Broder had seen- nice leather, warm coat, and firm shoes. The man had some money, at least.
“He's good for it, Jaten. What's your name, stranger?” Broder gestured at the empty space next to him as he began to deal the hands. The stranger threw his ante, and Broder couldn’t hear much left in the purse. The poor ones were easy to sucker in.
“Joan.”
“You from Onis or something, name like that?” Cogen sneered.
“Na, man, listen to his voice, he's from up in Lansing or summat.” Garrett spat. “You're pickin a fight so you don’t have to deal with your shite hand.”
“That's not true, mate! Maybe you ought to keep an eye on your own mess in front of ya!” Cogen threw in extra to compensate. They all knew each other, knew the tics and tells and habits, but this stranger would be interesting.
That was what Broder thought, but as they went round for a few hands, the stranger losing more than he won, it became clear he was just another sucker thinking he could smash the small town guys. He had seemed confident at first- smug, even- but Broder had moved in with a predatory efficiency and would not let up. He offered to buy a round for everyone, apparently hoping for mercy, or to dull them, but the man seemed to be getting a bit red in the nose much faster than the well-seasoned drinkers of the little town of Aren, where there was little else to do but work or drink, or play cards. Broder began to really work on Joan for everything he had left, preparing to take the man for anything he could offer. The game was boring, and Broder needed beer money, so he went to end the man entirely.
What Broder did not expect was for the man to turn his whole plan backwards by dropping a flush when he should’ve had nothing. That cleared the table pretty fast, and Broder noticed the man's nose was really not that red at all.
The hand was nonsense. He couldn't have won, couldn’t have had those cards. “Alright, pal, roll up your sleeves, eh? Just a friendly game, here, after all. No reason to stay all formal-like.” Broder saw the other men nod their approval.
“Are you sure? Isn’t it possible, just a little, that I might be better at the game than you?” Joan smirked, taunting the men.
“Roll those up in here or we'll roll em up for ya out back,” Cogen growled. He was the biggest, aside from the stranger himself, and had a knack for bar brawling.
“Alright. No need to get snippy that I beat you so bad.” Cogen almost stood, but Joan began to roll up his sleeves. Right, then left.
His left arm was covered up to the elbow in fresh burn scars- a bright, angry red. If Broder squinted, he could almost see fine lines tracing letters across the harshly burned skin, but he didn’t have to. He knew what he was looking at.
“You're a bloody wizard, ye stupid bastard!” Garrett exploded. “Ye- ye bastard! You used magic on our all heads, ye did!”
Joan's eyes darkened briefly, but he did not react.
“Garrett's got the right idea- who's to say you weren’t using magic trickery to win the game, eh? Seems like something your lot would do,” Jaten added smartly. “It seems only fair you give us back the money you stole.”
“In the interest of accuracy, I am a sorcerer. Wizards do not leave their little towers and their little books. Besides, if I had used any magic, why would I stop now?” The stranger pointed out. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just leave, or to make you forget you ever saw me?”
“Well- there are 4 of us! Maybe you couldn’t do us in all at once, eh?” Jaten shot back. There was a chorus of affirmation from the group. “Be honorable, man, just give us the money back.”
Joan rolled his sleeves down. “If I had wanted to,” he began quietly, gravel in his voice, “I could make you all give me your land, your wives, and your unborn sons and you wouldn’t even remember your names when I was done. I did not cheat,” he suddenly smiled. “You boys just suck at poker.”
“Now listen here, son,” Broder began. “You may be some wizard from up north-"
“East,” Joan interjected.
“You may be some fancy wizard from up north,” Broder continued, “but don’t think that means you can insult us small-town folk. We might not have your ‘education’ or what have you, but we know from poker.”
Joan sighed. “I am leaving town in two days. Leave me alone for those two days, and I will forget your names, faces, and the name of this backwater town you live in. I did not cheat you.” He looked each of them coldly in the eyes, and Broder saw that all the mirth and cheer that had been there earlier had been drained, replaced with nothingness. Not even hatred, or anger, but simply blank space. The stranger stood up with a groan, signaled for another round of drinks, and trudged to the back of the inn. None of the men followed.
I was lucky none of these farm hicks knew anything about casting, or else they’d have known I was bluffing. It didn’t seem like any of them could actually read my burns, because if they could’ve, they would’ve known I could only cast a couple Bindings, and that’s if I wasn’t hurting like hell.
What was most insulting, more than calling me a wizard, was that they thought I cheated to beat them at cards. I don’t need to cheat at cards. I had slipped a bit of coin out of their pockets as I brushed by, but that was hardly cheating. Just good, honest thievery. And to call me a wizard? I ought to burn down their houses anyway, just for that. I was cold just thinking about it.
Still, I had to accelerate my schedule and leave tonight. I hated to do it, but I needed to be three towns over by the time they decided to kick the shit out of me. Bastards.
Amidst my wrathful musings I became aware of a presence at the door.
It was that kid. What had he seen? I ran the scene over again and realized he had been watching the end from the table he had been cleaning. Sloppy. He'd tell everybody. I couldn’t kill a kid the way I would've those guys in front, and I didn’t want to besides. Kids have always had a hold on me, and it pissed me off. It wasn't like I could remember why. Besides, I didn’t exactly mind the town knowing; it just meant I’d have a tougher time sneaking out, and I was tired enough that it bugged me.
“Sor?” He nudged the door open, but not all the way, I noticed. “I saw your tattoo. What do they mean? My ma said not to ask, but those men seemed pretty upset out there. I asked them and they said you was a wizard, but I didn’t think they were real. Are you a wizard? Are those tattoos your clan or something?” He spoke fast, like he thought I would cut him off, or cut off his head. “What are you doing?”
I spoke carefully to mask my distaste for his questions. “I am not a wizard. Wizards hide in their towers and ask questions nobody is curious about.” I hoped the dismissal would be clear.
It was not.
“If you aren’t a wizard, what are you?”
“What I am right now, kid, is packing, and what I’m going to be in a minute is gone. Scram.” I looked around and realized that aside from the bags I could clip to my belt, I had nothing else with me. Damn.
“Well, whatever you are, sor, I know those marks mean you're bound to help people-" that wasn’t true “-and those men out there maybe won’t tell you, but I will! See, sor, we're in mighty need of a wizard these days, on account of a monster been stealing the livestock and trashing the lumber yards and-" he slowed his speech a bit, but before I could get a word in he continued- “and I think it took the Granlenses daughter, only cause they won’t tell anyone where she went but I haven’t seen her in town at all and she used to come help me with my chores some days and it’s been a long while, maybe a month or so. Anyway, nobody’ll believe me when I tell em, and I haven’t seen it exactly, but I’m sure there’s a monster!”
“Kid, you know not every stroke of bad luck is a monster, right?” People don’t believe in monsters or magic until it’s convenient for them, which means they know nothing about it, which means most of the time they’re just making up stories to get me killed or run off, or else they’re just plain dumb and attribute every case of rainy weather to a made up beast.
“I know that! I just know there’s a monster around here! Look, sor, I’ll help you find it even, and-"
“I charge for my services and I don’t take kids on field trips when I work. Are you going to pay me?” Most of the time, threat of payment was enough to deter all but the most determined, or most superstitious, folk.
“I bet if you kill it the whole town will pitch in! Please, sor, I just wanna help out, and it seems like you could fix us all up only nobody wants to ask.” He wasn’t lying, I could tell, but kids are always seeing things that aren’t there. On the other hand, sometimes kids are better at seeing what’s right in front of them.
And when it turned out to be nothing, it meant I had an excuse to stay an extra night without getting an attempted beating, probably.
“Alright, kid. Where was this monster last?” Hired by a kid who probably couldn’t even get on a horse on his own. If anyone caught wind of this, I’d never hear the end of it.
submitted by dbwip to shortstories [link] [comments]
I had been out on a moonless night for days. Most people can’t tell, but once you're trained, you can- Darkness loves darkness. She likes to stretch her time out as long as she's possibly able. Everyone wants to spend time with kindred spirits. It’s nature, human or otherwise.
There’s nothing I can do about it, so I do my best to enjoy it. After all, you have to pick your battles, and my gun makes it pretty easy to figure out which ones I can win. She's a lovely gun. Big, which is fine with me, because I need all the power she can muster. Nine custom rounds rotate through, each enchanted by my own self. Not as effective as a professional enchantment, but I get by, and it’s a hell of a lot cheaper.
The only light came from the muzzle flare of my pistol. They smothered my campfire long ago, leaving me with only the vaguest sense of where they were, occasionally silhouetted against the trees when I fired. They were big, looming over me, high into the crooked trees and the moonless sky behind them. Who could say how long tonight would last?
I try not to cast on Nights, because it just acts like more of a beacon than I already am, but sometimes it just can’t be helped. My chest burned as I threw up a Buffer against a sudden wave of creatures, but they tore it down before it hardly had time to help. I bit down and cast a Warding, felt my arm burn harshly in the wild energy of the new moon and felt the following cold cut its way through my flesh and deep into my bones. Popping the spent rounds out with my right hand, my left knitted itself into the Ward shape automatically, trained by years of habit. Now I’ve really done it, I thought, because I could practically sense them perk up from miles off, even without casting a Seeing. It worked, though, and I was given brief respite for my efforts. I’d sure as hell pay for it in about 10 minutes, but for now I needed to stop bleeding and deal with the sensation of a drill pressed to the back of my skull.
“Skippers,” I growled. I hated Skippers.
The problem with Skippers is they’re small, harder to notice than anything else, and instead of trying to take off your head they try to get into your head. From there they can do whatever they want while you watch- make you walk off a cliff, bite off your own tongue, flay yourself alive. Like I said, whatever they want, and they're usually pretty mean. I’d seen them really go to work on all sorts of people, mostly people I knew and trained with. Hazards of the job- sorcerous training let you see a whole new world, but it opened you up to the threats that lived there, more so than regular folk. I was in worse shape than most sorcerers, which was part of what put me out at Night in the first place. Luckily, I’m better than most sorcerers, but it still meant I had to be careful.
To get rid of a Skipper, all you have to do is burn them off with a little Light. I'd needed the break- 3 of them dripped out of me right away, and a fourth started to run down my back as it tried to escape.
“Bastard.” I struck it with the handle of the gun as it slithered away. No sense wasting ammo on idiots like that.
The Ward wavered, the Night grew around me, and I hadn't even had time to heal anything. Damn.
Sam watched from behind the counter as the man walked through the door. Under the door, rather, as he had to duck to keep from hitting his head. He was pale, very pale, unlike the merchantfolk that usually came through the inn. His face was covered by a bushy beard, his hair was long, and his eyes were rimmed with red, but he could certainly be no older than 40. It was strange- for someone to come in so early in the morning, and look so tired- he must have been traveling all night, but he had no horse to be stabled.
The stranger was an armory- small blades and strange, bulbous jars jutted out from pockets and packs all over the man, daggers strapped to his legs, and even metal nubs in the knuckles of his gloves. What caught Sam's attention, though, was the man's huge gun, strapped tightly to his waist. He had never seen a gun that big, and the ammunition the man was carrying in the sacks around his waist must have weighed heavily on him, though he showed no signs of it.
“What does it cost for a room?” His voice did not match the tired, worn image in front of him. It was firm, and had the sound of recent laughter in it.
“Let me get my mom.” Sam began, starting for the back room. He never handled rooms.
“That's alright. You'll do fine. How much?” The man pulled out a purse, smaller than the other bags on his belt, and it was clearly much lighter than anything else he carried. “I’d like to find a bed and use it.” His voice did not betray him, nor did his hands, but the redness of his eyes did. They were a startling blue, and they seemed to contain nothing except exhaustion.
“I need your name,” Sam remembered as he directed the giant stranger to his room. The man's eyes, just for an instant, darted to one side before returning to Sam.
“Joan,” he said.
“O-kay.” Sam jotted the name down. “Two nights, food at 7 and 7, anything else you pay for.” He began to walk the man down the hall. “Strange accent. Are you from Melano, or Baden?” He didn’t really know what those accents sounded like, but he knew they were far from Newmark.
“No.” Joan walked into the room indicated with no further comments.
Sam stopped at the door while the man called Joan dropped his bags to the floor. “What kinda gun is that?”
“Mine,” he said simply, as he unbundled it’s holster from his belt. “I make the ammunition myself most of the time.”
“It's impressive. My paw was a soldier, and he showed me his old gun once, only it was a lot smaller than yours, and all rusted out besides, but-" Sam stopped as the man removed his cloak. There was a bright gash, still oozing dark blood, working its way up the man's side behind the thick leather plates. “Holy cripes! You oughta see a doctor, sor!”
Joan gave no indication that he could even feel the wound, nor did he instantly react when the boy cried out. “This? It looks a lot worse than it is. Rest, and solitude,” and here he looked at Sam, “will do me more good than any doctor from this town.” He moved to close the door, and against Sam's protest seemed to shut him out with no effort at all.
He ran down the hall to inform his mother of their newest guest.
I didn’t want the kid to see what I had to do next. It really wasn’t that bad- on the outside. Because we put so much ourselves in the spiritual world, the physical world didn’t matter so much. But it’s all tradeoffs. It had cut a pretty chunk out of me spirit-wise, and that hurt worse than any gash could. Really, I was better off than most sorcerers would’ve been with a cut like this- I had less to lose. Doesn’t make it hurt any less, though.
I Worked a minor Healing, but anything more would’ve taken more out of me than I could hope to regain, so the rest had to be resigned to sleep. Stupid. I should never have let anything get that close anyway, but it seemed like the Skippers were going crazy last Night.
I was too tired even to dream. A small blessing.
Waking up was not pleasant- I was stiff and sore, and still hurting something fierce. And cold, of course. Always cold. The physical wound had scabbed over, and I figured I would get away with just a minor scar. My innards were still shredded, but marginally less so than before, so I could breathe without grimacing. I expected I’d be laid out for a few days yet. Lucky, since Night had just passed, so things would be calm for almost the entire month now.
Exhausted as I had been, I had no Wards up, nothing even blocking the door. Nice going. Practically begging for a stray to wander in and eat you. As I flipped the coin I’d lifted off the kid, I examined the room for anything that might have snuck in, but it was clear. This time.
It was around this point that I realized how hungry I was. It had been (what felt like) days without a hot meal, and apparently this podunk little inn could provide, so I wandered out to the main room to see if I could scare up some food.
When the kid saw me, his eyes widened. That’s never a good sign. Recognition meant questions, and the answers to those questions usually meant getting pushed to the next town before I had time to heal. I had been hoping to score a decent meal and a bath, at least.
Sam could hardly believe his eyes. “Criminy, sor, but I didn’t expect you to be up at all! It's barely been a day!” The cut had been bleeding heavily, and very deep, he was sure of it, but now the man was clean and walking as if he had never been injured.
The stranger called Joan sat heavily at a table, ignoring the implied question. “Any chance of a man getting some food around here?” He inquired. “Or, perhaps,” and he glanced at the barrels of ale behind the counter, “some drink?”
San quickly filled him a tankard and plate from supper earlier, then sat himself at the table, as the crowd in the room dwindled down to a late few. The man interested him. He did not seem to interest the man, however, as Joan simply ate and drank in silence, apparently unbothered by his wound. He was still pale, almost deathly so, but Sam had heard tell of people from far north being much lighter than the tanned workers of nearby towns.
“Are you a soldier?” Sam didn’t know much about the war to the south, but occasionally troops passed through, and he had heard his ma talk in the back room about an extra levy because the Northern Kingdoms were allied. “I never saw someone carry so many weapons that weren't a soldier. What are those jars you carry? Is that them new bombs they been talking about? With gunpowder, only you throw the jar so it’s like a cannonshot?” Sam did not know much about weapons, either, but he saw so few soldiers come through that he had to learn what he could, if he was going to join the war when he was of age.
“Sure, kid.” Joan tapped his empty tankard on the table and placed down the coin he had been flipping. Sam ran to fill it up again before sitting back down.
“So did you come from the southern border, where all the fights are? What's happening? Are we winning? We have all kinds of the Northern Kingdoms working together, right? We must be winning!”
“The southern border? No, no, I didn’t come from the southern border,” he snorted. “That whole war is just nonsense anyway. The Northern Kingdoms, in some alliance or another, have had it out for Onis since time began. Maybe even before. The war is just an excuse to keep the money rolling in. Seems like there’s less and less of it than ever.” He mumbled this last part into his cup.
“That’s- that’s not true!” Sam's pa had fought, same as Sam would. “The war is important! Onis could really invade anytime! Besides, you said you were a soldier. If you aren’t fighting in the war, how can you be a soldier?” Joan did not answer, but he reached for his sleeve for a moment as if to roll it up, then seemed to catch himself at the last second. Was he a deserter? “Are you a deserter?” Sam blurted out, realizing a second late that he was pushing his luck. Joan just tapped his mug again.
Sam's ma hurried over. “So sorry for this one, sor, he has a bad habit of being curious.” She cuffed him on the ear and it smarted.
“It's no problem, mam.” The stranger smiled warmly, but in his eyes there was nothing. It was a chilling sensation. “He fills my cup just fine.” His ma dragged him off before Sam could object, and Joan got up before Sam could return.
Broder laughed as he took Flander for another hand. Three hands up, he was, and showed no signs of slowing. He stopped, though, as a big man in a heavy cloak came to the table.
“Deal me in?” His voice, deep and rich, did not match the weathered exterior. The man was no farm hand, that much was clear. More a mercenary sort. Broder glanced around the table, but no one seemed to object outright, so he shrugged. One more fool for the best poker man in the west side of Newmark. “Promise I know the rules.”
“Can you make ante, pal?” Jaten sized him up from across the table, suspicious from the long, ratty hair sitting on his shoulders and the general sense of dirtiness emanating from the man. He didn't notice what Broder had seen- nice leather, warm coat, and firm shoes. The man had some money, at least.
“He's good for it, Jaten. What's your name, stranger?” Broder gestured at the empty space next to him as he began to deal the hands. The stranger threw his ante, and Broder couldn’t hear much left in the purse. The poor ones were easy to sucker in.
“Joan.”
“You from Onis or something, name like that?” Cogen sneered.
“Na, man, listen to his voice, he's from up in Lansing or summat.” Garrett spat. “You're pickin a fight so you don’t have to deal with your shite hand.”
“That's not true, mate! Maybe you ought to keep an eye on your own mess in front of ya!” Cogen threw in extra to compensate. They all knew each other, knew the tics and tells and habits, but this stranger would be interesting.
That was what Broder thought, but as they went round for a few hands, the stranger losing more than he won, it became clear he was just another sucker thinking he could smash the small town guys. He had seemed confident at first- smug, even- but Broder had moved in with a predatory efficiency and would not let up. He offered to buy a round for everyone, apparently hoping for mercy, or to dull them, but the man seemed to be getting a bit red in the nose much faster than the well-seasoned drinkers of the little town of Aren, where there was little else to do but work or drink, or play cards. Broder began to really work on Joan for everything he had left, preparing to take the man for anything he could offer. The game was boring, and Broder needed beer money, so he went to end the man entirely.
What Broder did not expect was for the man to turn his whole plan backwards by dropping a flush when he should’ve had nothing. That cleared the table pretty fast, and Broder noticed the man's nose was really not that red at all.
The hand was nonsense. He couldn't have won, couldn’t have had those cards. “Alright, pal, roll up your sleeves, eh? Just a friendly game, here, after all. No reason to stay all formal-like.” Broder saw the other men nod their approval.
“Are you sure? Isn’t it possible, just a little, that I might be better at the game than you?” Joan smirked, taunting the men.
“Roll those up in here or we'll roll em up for ya out back,” Cogen growled. He was the biggest, aside from the stranger himself, and had a knack for bar brawling.
“Alright. No need to get snippy that I beat you so bad.” Cogen almost stood, but Joan began to roll up his sleeves. Right, then left.
His left arm was covered up to the elbow in fresh burn scars- a bright, angry red. If Broder squinted, he could almost see fine lines tracing letters across the harshly burned skin, but he didn’t have to. He knew what he was looking at.
“You're a bloody wizard, ye stupid bastard!” Garrett exploded. “Ye- ye bastard! You used magic on our all heads, ye did!”
Joan's eyes darkened briefly, but he did not react.
“Garrett's got the right idea- who's to say you weren’t using magic trickery to win the game, eh? Seems like something your lot would do,” Jaten added smartly. “It seems only fair you give us back the money you stole.”
“In the interest of accuracy, I am a sorcerer. Wizards do not leave their little towers and their little books. Besides, if I had used any magic, why would I stop now?” The stranger pointed out. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just leave, or to make you forget you ever saw me?”
“Well- there are 4 of us! Maybe you couldn’t do us in all at once, eh?” Jaten shot back. There was a chorus of affirmation from the group. “Be honorable, man, just give us the money back.”
Joan rolled his sleeves down. “If I had wanted to,” he began quietly, gravel in his voice, “I could make you all give me your land, your wives, and your unborn sons and you wouldn’t even remember your names when I was done. I did not cheat,” he suddenly smiled. “You boys just suck at poker.”
“Now listen here, son,” Broder began. “You may be some wizard from up north-"
“East,” Joan interjected.
“You may be some fancy wizard from up north,” Broder continued, “but don’t think that means you can insult us small-town folk. We might not have your ‘education’ or what have you, but we know from poker.”
Joan sighed. “I am leaving town in two days. Leave me alone for those two days, and I will forget your names, faces, and the name of this backwater town you live in. I did not cheat you.” He looked each of them coldly in the eyes, and Broder saw that all the mirth and cheer that had been there earlier had been drained, replaced with nothingness. Not even hatred, or anger, but simply blank space. The stranger stood up with a groan, signaled for another round of drinks, and trudged to the back of the inn. None of the men followed.
I was lucky none of these farm hicks knew anything about casting, or else they’d have known I was bluffing. It didn’t seem like any of them could actually read my burns, because if they could’ve, they would’ve known I could only cast a couple Bindings, and that’s if I wasn’t hurting like hell.
What was most insulting, more than calling me a wizard, was that they thought I cheated to beat them at cards. I don’t need to cheat at cards. I had slipped a bit of coin out of their pockets as I brushed by, but that was hardly cheating. Just good, honest thievery. And to call me a wizard? I ought to burn down their houses anyway, just for that. I was cold just thinking about it.
Still, I had to accelerate my schedule and leave tonight. I hated to do it, but I needed to be three towns over by the time they decided to kick the shit out of me. Bastards.
Amidst my wrathful musings I became aware of a presence at the door.
It was that kid. What had he seen? I ran the scene over again and realized he had been watching the end from the table he had been cleaning. Sloppy. He'd tell everybody. I couldn’t kill a kid the way I would've those guys in front, and I didn’t want to besides. Kids have always had a hold on me, and it pissed me off. It wasn't like I could remember why. Besides, I didn’t exactly mind the town knowing; it just meant I’d have a tougher time sneaking out, and I was tired enough that it bugged me.
“Sor?” He nudged the door open, but not all the way, I noticed. “I saw your tattoo. What do they mean? My ma said not to ask, but those men seemed pretty upset out there. I asked them and they said you was a wizard, but I didn’t think they were real. Are you a wizard? Are those tattoos your clan or something?” He spoke fast, like he thought I would cut him off, or cut off his head. “What are you doing?”
I spoke carefully to mask my distaste for his questions. “I am not a wizard. Wizards hide in their towers and ask questions nobody is curious about.” I hoped the dismissal would be clear.
It was not.
“If you aren’t a wizard, what are you?”
“What I am right now, kid, is packing, and what I’m going to be in a minute is gone. Scram.” I looked around and realized that aside from the bags I could clip to my belt, I had nothing else with me. Damn.
“Well, whatever you are, sor, I know those marks mean you're bound to help people-" that wasn’t true “-and those men out there maybe won’t tell you, but I will! See, sor, we're in mighty need of a wizard these days, on account of a monster been stealing the livestock and trashing the lumber yards and-" he slowed his speech a bit, but before I could get a word in he continued- “and I think it took the Granlenses daughter, only cause they won’t tell anyone where she went but I haven’t seen her in town at all and she used to come help me with my chores some days and it’s been a long while, maybe a month or so. Anyway, nobody’ll believe me when I tell em, and I haven’t seen it exactly, but I’m sure there’s a monster!”
“Kid, you know not every stroke of bad luck is a monster, right?” People don’t believe in monsters or magic until it’s convenient for them, which means they know nothing about it, which means most of the time they’re just making up stories to get me killed or run off, or else they’re just plain dumb and attribute every case of rainy weather to a made up beast.
“I know that! I just know there’s a monster around here! Look, sor, I’ll help you find it even, and-"
“I charge for my services and I don’t take kids on field trips when I work. Are you going to pay me?” Most of the time, threat of payment was enough to deter all but the most determined, or most superstitious, folk.
“I bet if you kill it the whole town will pitch in! Please, sor, I just wanna help out, and it seems like you could fix us all up only nobody wants to ask.” He wasn’t lying, I could tell, but kids are always seeing things that aren’t there. On the other hand, sometimes kids are better at seeing what’s right in front of them.
And when it turned out to be nothing, it meant I had an excuse to stay an extra night without getting an attempted beating, probably.
“Alright, kid. Where was this monster last?” Hired by a kid who probably couldn’t even get on a horse on his own. If anyone caught wind of this, I’d never hear the end of it.
2024.05.13 20:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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2024.05.13 20:10 Stork_vender_284 What should I do?
Appreciate any responses from people in the UK.
I don't know if I should get tested for herpes, I have no symptoms or outbreaks and none of the partners I have been with have informed me of any. In 2021 I was having unprotected sex with quite a few casual partners (with other males), none had lesions or such . In 2022 I did have someunprotected sex with one woman and about 2 men. And in 2023 I had unprotected sex with four women.
Throughout the entire time no one had lesions but I was concerned about asymptomatic transmission and I haven't had unprotected sex for nearly 11 months and no outbreak but I don't know if I should be tested and what test I should do for it to be accurate. Just a concern really to try and consolidate what I can do now to see if I might have it (I have no symptoms whatsoever).
submitted by Stork_vender_284 to Herpes [link] [comments]
I don't know if I should get tested for herpes, I have no symptoms or outbreaks and none of the partners I have been with have informed me of any. In 2021 I was having unprotected sex with quite a few casual partners (with other males), none had lesions or such . In 2022 I did have someunprotected sex with one woman and about 2 men. And in 2023 I had unprotected sex with four women.
Throughout the entire time no one had lesions but I was concerned about asymptomatic transmission and I haven't had unprotected sex for nearly 11 months and no outbreak but I don't know if I should be tested and what test I should do for it to be accurate. Just a concern really to try and consolidate what I can do now to see if I might have it (I have no symptoms whatsoever).
2024.05.13 20:06 Personanonigrata Was I responsible for my bad decisions in the past, wife holds it over my head years later
I did a lot of dumb stuff while I was battling my demons, VA experimenting with drugs, and coping mechanisms, suicide attempts, being a reason for a safety brief, self-destructive behavior.
One of my coping mechanisms was being an absolute flirt and giving and getting attention wherever I could get it, usually from other women than my wife. I don’t remember a lot of it, wife does and won’t let us move past it.
I wasn’t at all in control of myself, I didn’t even know what myself needed or where I was most of the time. I’m not healed by any means, but after several suicide attempts (one almost successful) and my oldest kid doing her best to involve me despite the hell I’ve given the family…I’m able to kinda be cognizant of my surroundings and that I have a family.
My kids have forgiven me, but my wife (and I know she was hurt, but I haven’t crossed any lines for almost 8 years) holds that shit over my head and throws it at me whenever she gets defensive about her own current actions which is seeking attention from other men and involved with one or two intimately. That’s her stuck point.
I drank a lot, flirted a lot, drove like cruella deville like I was fast and furious, all while thinking I was in constant mortal danger or just overwhelmed, hypervigilant, having flashbacks, reliving the moment, misunderstood, tossed aside, apologized for, dismissed.
I have almost no recollection whatsoever of what I did after symptoms manifested. But I’m reminded all the time of what I failed to do, what I did that was so wrong by my wife, never ever about anything I did that was positive. My kids however remind me there were times they saw through and saw the good in me and the good I’ve done for them.
I’m not sure what to think. I know in court people can’t blame mental illness or any shortcomings for their actions, they’re still guilty, but should I also live in the past too? If it wasn’t for the kids I would make a successful attempt cuz she won’t let up and since we have kids I have to deal with her till one of us passes away. I made a pact with the kids that I promise to pass away naturally.
submitted by Personanonigrata to ptsd [link] [comments]
One of my coping mechanisms was being an absolute flirt and giving and getting attention wherever I could get it, usually from other women than my wife. I don’t remember a lot of it, wife does and won’t let us move past it.
I wasn’t at all in control of myself, I didn’t even know what myself needed or where I was most of the time. I’m not healed by any means, but after several suicide attempts (one almost successful) and my oldest kid doing her best to involve me despite the hell I’ve given the family…I’m able to kinda be cognizant of my surroundings and that I have a family.
My kids have forgiven me, but my wife (and I know she was hurt, but I haven’t crossed any lines for almost 8 years) holds that shit over my head and throws it at me whenever she gets defensive about her own current actions which is seeking attention from other men and involved with one or two intimately. That’s her stuck point.
I drank a lot, flirted a lot, drove like cruella deville like I was fast and furious, all while thinking I was in constant mortal danger or just overwhelmed, hypervigilant, having flashbacks, reliving the moment, misunderstood, tossed aside, apologized for, dismissed.
I have almost no recollection whatsoever of what I did after symptoms manifested. But I’m reminded all the time of what I failed to do, what I did that was so wrong by my wife, never ever about anything I did that was positive. My kids however remind me there were times they saw through and saw the good in me and the good I’ve done for them.
I’m not sure what to think. I know in court people can’t blame mental illness or any shortcomings for their actions, they’re still guilty, but should I also live in the past too? If it wasn’t for the kids I would make a successful attempt cuz she won’t let up and since we have kids I have to deal with her till one of us passes away. I made a pact with the kids that I promise to pass away naturally.
2024.05.13 19:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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2024.05.13 19:51 PeakVitalityForMen How can I help my man with ED?
Erectile dysfunction (ED) can be a frustrating and stressful experience for both men and their partners. It's completely normal to want to help your man through this challenge, and the good news is, there's a lot you can do!
First, let's acknowledge the elephant in the room: ED is incredibly common. It's not a sign of weakness or a reflection of his masculinity, and it can often be effectively treated.
I understand you're concerned about your partner's erectile dysfunction (ED) and want to be supportive. Let me acknowledge what a fantastic partner you are! I understand you're concerned about your partner's erectile dysfunction (ED) and want to be supportive. ED can be a challenging topic for men, and your willingness to help shows incredible strength and compassion.
Erectile Dysfunction by the Numbers:
There are two main categories of ED:
Here's How You Can Be a Pillar of Support:
Additional Resources:
Erectile Dysfunction by the Numbers:
There are two main categories of ED:
submitted by PeakVitalityForMen to u/PeakVitalityForMen [link] [comments]
First, let's acknowledge the elephant in the room: ED is incredibly common. It's not a sign of weakness or a reflection of his masculinity, and it can often be effectively treated.
I understand you're concerned about your partner's erectile dysfunction (ED) and want to be supportive. Let me acknowledge what a fantastic partner you are! I understand you're concerned about your partner's erectile dysfunction (ED) and want to be supportive. ED can be a challenging topic for men, and your willingness to help shows incredible strength and compassion.
Erectile Dysfunction by the Numbers:
- Over 30 million men in the United States experience some degree of ED [1].
- That's 1 in 10 men – a surprisingly common condition.
- ED can occur at any age, though it becomes more prevalent with increasing age [2].
There are two main categories of ED:
- Psychological ED: Stress, anxiety, performance pressure, and relationship issues can all contribute.
- Physiological ED: Underlying medical conditions like diabetes, heart disease, and certain medications can be a cause [3].
Here's How You Can Be a Pillar of Support:
- Open Communication: Start a conversation – let him know you care and want to help him find a solution. Focus on "we" and working together to navigate this.
- Knowledge is Power: Educate yourselves! Learn about ED together. Reliable sources include the National Institutes of Health (https://www.niddk.nih.gov/) and The American Urological Association (https://www.auanet.org/guidelines-and-quality/guidelines/erectile-dysfunction-%28ed%29-guideline).
- Healthy Lifestyle Changes: Encourage healthy habits like regular exercise, a balanced diet, and stress management techniques. These can improve overall health and potentially benefit his ED [4].
- Seek Professional Help: A doctor can diagnose the underlying cause and recommend the most effective treatment. This might include medications, vacuum pumps, implants, or even therapy to address psychological factors.
- Focus on Intimacy: Explore other ways to connect emotionally and physically. Touch, cuddling, and non-penetrative sex can be incredibly fulfilling.
- Maintain Open Communication: Be honest about your own feelings and frustrations, and encourage him to do the same.
- Reassurance and Patience: Let him know you find him attractive regardless of his erection. Treatment takes time, so celebrate small victories and be his cheerleader.
Additional Resources:
- The Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/erectile-dysfunction/symptoms-causes/syc-20355776
- Men's Health Network: https://www.menshealth.com/erectile-dysfunction/
Sources
tunesharemore_vert ED can be a challenging topic for men, and your willingness to help shows incredible strength and compassion.Erectile Dysfunction by the Numbers:
- Over 30 million men in the United States experience some degree of ED [1].
- That's 1 in 10 men – a surprisingly common condition.
- ED can occur at any age, though it becomes more prevalent with increasing age [2].
There are two main categories of ED:
- Psychological ED: Stress, anxiety, performance pressure, and relationship issues can all contribute.
- Physiological ED: Underlying medical conditions like diabetes, heart disease, and certain medications can be a cause [3].
2024.05.13 19:37 ElectronicMoon1676 Mother wants to legally force me to move in with her despite me being 39.
I (39F) found out through another family member that my mother (60), believes she can gain conservatorship over me because of what she imagines. We live in Michigan. Other family members and I do not believe that this is age related dementia because the behavior is nothing new and, has been present since before I was born. I also have been no contact with my mother for a little over four years due to a variety of issues and her exposing me to dangerous people.
My mother has a history of seeing a news headline or watching a talk show and suddenly becoming obsessed with the subject matter and forcing it on to everyone else. She watched an episode of Oprah on meth back in the day and suddenly believed everyone was on meth. A Dateline special on teen pregnancy, suddenly me and every teen girl in my high school is pregnant because allegedly teen pregnancy came with weird symptoms include coughing up blood. (I had bronchitis and clearly wasn’t pregnant). I have tried to find this episode of Dateline but no luck. If there was one of those local news stories about “What dangerous new trend is every teen is doing right now” she 100% believed them, even if it turned out to be 4 teen boys in rural Montana and didn’t happen anywhere else. Another issue, is that a lot of the males in the family think it’s really funny when she gets worked up and paranoid and encourage her delusions to her face, while also making fun of her behind her back. She also continues to believe I am doing “teenage stuff” despite me turning 40 later this year.
My mother also refuses to accept how old I am. I’m told that my mother got a new job and has managed to frame the story to her new co-workers as I am a much younger person who hasn’t finished my teenage rebellion “phase” and she is a loving mom who just wants to save her baby from evil men. She currently believes I am an unemployed alcoholic living out of my car. None of this is true and nobody knows what show or news report she watched to get this idea in her head. Her new coworkers feel really bad for her, but they don’t know the truth, and have “been doing research” and believe it would be super easy to have me declared mentally incompetent based on being a veteran with an 80% disability rating. They also tell her that I could be forced to move in with her and she could get control of my disability payments.
My primary concern isn’t that she will be successful, I know veterans in much worse shape then me who are doing just fine living on their own. My worry is that she could use this process to try to find out where I live, work, and go to school. I have made sure not to tell anyone in my family what is going on with me so there is no way for anyone to “accidentally” slip up and tell her where I am. She already sabotaged me going to college about 18 years ago and I don’t want her doing that again.
Is there a way for me to keep her or her lawyer from getting a hold of any personal details. Could I get the court to seal any evidence I provide to them to prove I am capable of living on my own. I assume my first contact would be with a social worker, and I was wondering do I have any way to force them to not divulge information about me to my mother. Most of my knowledge about conservatorship comes from what happened to Britney Spears and her case is clearly very different from mine.
submitted by ElectronicMoon1676 to legaladvice [link] [comments]
My mother has a history of seeing a news headline or watching a talk show and suddenly becoming obsessed with the subject matter and forcing it on to everyone else. She watched an episode of Oprah on meth back in the day and suddenly believed everyone was on meth. A Dateline special on teen pregnancy, suddenly me and every teen girl in my high school is pregnant because allegedly teen pregnancy came with weird symptoms include coughing up blood. (I had bronchitis and clearly wasn’t pregnant). I have tried to find this episode of Dateline but no luck. If there was one of those local news stories about “What dangerous new trend is every teen is doing right now” she 100% believed them, even if it turned out to be 4 teen boys in rural Montana and didn’t happen anywhere else. Another issue, is that a lot of the males in the family think it’s really funny when she gets worked up and paranoid and encourage her delusions to her face, while also making fun of her behind her back. She also continues to believe I am doing “teenage stuff” despite me turning 40 later this year.
My mother also refuses to accept how old I am. I’m told that my mother got a new job and has managed to frame the story to her new co-workers as I am a much younger person who hasn’t finished my teenage rebellion “phase” and she is a loving mom who just wants to save her baby from evil men. She currently believes I am an unemployed alcoholic living out of my car. None of this is true and nobody knows what show or news report she watched to get this idea in her head. Her new coworkers feel really bad for her, but they don’t know the truth, and have “been doing research” and believe it would be super easy to have me declared mentally incompetent based on being a veteran with an 80% disability rating. They also tell her that I could be forced to move in with her and she could get control of my disability payments.
My primary concern isn’t that she will be successful, I know veterans in much worse shape then me who are doing just fine living on their own. My worry is that she could use this process to try to find out where I live, work, and go to school. I have made sure not to tell anyone in my family what is going on with me so there is no way for anyone to “accidentally” slip up and tell her where I am. She already sabotaged me going to college about 18 years ago and I don’t want her doing that again.
Is there a way for me to keep her or her lawyer from getting a hold of any personal details. Could I get the court to seal any evidence I provide to them to prove I am capable of living on my own. I assume my first contact would be with a social worker, and I was wondering do I have any way to force them to not divulge information about me to my mother. Most of my knowledge about conservatorship comes from what happened to Britney Spears and her case is clearly very different from mine.
2024.05.13 18:53 shaneka69 CANCER ZODIAC - UNEXPECTED INCOME! TAROT READING MAY 2024
CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024
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2024.05.13 18:48 AsterRepp Will I inevitably develop gender dysphoria?
Hello crew. Sorry for the wall of text. I'm 25 AAP woman and I believe right now I don't have dysphoria, but I'm curious what you fellow AGPs think about it. I'll try to summarize the most important infos. First of all it seems to me that in order to have gender dysphoria you have to 1) desire being of the opposite sex in a consistent and persistent way, but also you have to 2) actively dislike being your sex the same way. So 1) I have lots of fantasies (both sexual and platonic) about being male, even every day if I don't have other stimuli. If I work, study or work-out regularly the platonic fantasies almost completely disappear, unless sudden external source of stress is present. Sexual fantasies stay the same. I would then say that yes, I have a certain degree of desire to be the opposite sex, and I also experience so called gender envy, especially towards attractive men. 2) That said, I have never had any discomfort with my female body, not even at puberty which is very common for youg women. I of course have some things that I don't like but overall I feel very good about my body. But I also have to be honest about one thing. I believe that I'm comfortable in my body because it's not overtly feminine. I build muscle mass very easy and have lean, fit and compact figure, while delicate at the same time (I'm not sure if I'm giving you the right picture. But overall an athletic woman with proportionate bone structure) and also small breasts, which is something I like because I don't like having things around my torso, so not needing bras is good, and mostly because when I crossdress I can achieve a masculine look without needing binders or stuff. I believe they would give me dysphoria if they were bigger. At the same time though I would like having bigger breasts to be more attractive to men. There are also sexual practices I'd be able to do if they were bigger. I'll add that in bed I very much like having the female role, to recieve, be penetrated, even dominated. I also like to do the reverse but that'll be just to satisfy some other fetish and not my normal, main drive. This also reflects in my AAP fantasies, in which I'm always a gay male, and always the bottom. I never once recall having a fantasy in which I was the penetrator (besides me as a woman pegging a man, but again, for other paraphilias). I think that I don't experience dysphoria (or at least not enough to really notice or bother me) because my regular sex role and my fantasy sex role matches perfectly, and because my body type is perfect for both very feminine and very masculine clothing. The only thing I think will genuinely give me tremendous amount of dysphoria is pregnancy and the aftermaths of birthing, especially hips growth. What do you guys think? Do you believe I would develop gender dysphoria no matter what? I really fear that, especially since a very close relative of mine have it. I feel like this paraphilia is slowly growing every year and I'm not saying it is distressing me but if I'm behing totally honest it is. I mean, it's like it has its own direction and that is just coincidence that is on the same path as my main sexuality. And since it's growing I feel like having some symptoms, even tough I'm not sure if its just overthinking and hyper fixation on the fear of transitioning. I know I wrote maybe too much details but I wanted you to kind if follow my stream of thoughts. I'm also curious how many of you have the same sexual polarity in both allohetero and autohetero scenarios (irl and/or fantasy) and enjoy sex in "default" role?
submitted by AsterRepp to askAGP [link] [comments]
2024.05.13 18:13 Otherwise_Rice3124 Seeking Advices: Mom Trauma
Hello guys,
I want to share few incidents of my mom to me and understand what is happening but before that I will tell you a little bit of myself so you understand me!
I’m in my 20s and I was always the black sheep for speaking my truth and not choosing to agree with what I disagree. In my family (my parents divorced when I was 6) I was always the one who defended others (my loved ones especially my mom and older sister) even if that put me in danger (I will explain later what I mean with danger). — I was a good student but gave up in 2nd year of middle school out of depression and anxiety due to multiple family and personal reasons. At high school the first two years I was doing again better and I was great in Computer Science, Biology, Ancient Greek and English, but in the last year I was depressed again because my best friend left me for a toxic boyfriend (who later told me I was right) plus my already family issues so I graduated with poor grades (15/20, which in 0-10 rates would be 7,5). I didn’t go to any university, now i want too. — After that I left my life behind and for 3 years I didn’t really do things in my life because I got sick from severe psychosomatic disorder which led to have pains in every organ of my body without doctors be able to helping me, I became agoraphobic and isolated myself for 2 years, now thank God I can go to places. Nobody believed me. Now I’m trying to get back on my feet but fate challenges me. — As a woman I feel very bad for my mom because her life is a struggle but at the same time as a daughter I feel left in the cold and extremely depressed from her, and she doesn’t get it.
So here are few incidents with my mom to me:
submitted by Otherwise_Rice3124 to toxicparents [link] [comments]
I want to share few incidents of my mom to me and understand what is happening but before that I will tell you a little bit of myself so you understand me!
I’m in my 20s and I was always the black sheep for speaking my truth and not choosing to agree with what I disagree. In my family (my parents divorced when I was 6) I was always the one who defended others (my loved ones especially my mom and older sister) even if that put me in danger (I will explain later what I mean with danger). — I was a good student but gave up in 2nd year of middle school out of depression and anxiety due to multiple family and personal reasons. At high school the first two years I was doing again better and I was great in Computer Science, Biology, Ancient Greek and English, but in the last year I was depressed again because my best friend left me for a toxic boyfriend (who later told me I was right) plus my already family issues so I graduated with poor grades (15/20, which in 0-10 rates would be 7,5). I didn’t go to any university, now i want too. — After that I left my life behind and for 3 years I didn’t really do things in my life because I got sick from severe psychosomatic disorder which led to have pains in every organ of my body without doctors be able to helping me, I became agoraphobic and isolated myself for 2 years, now thank God I can go to places. Nobody believed me. Now I’m trying to get back on my feet but fate challenges me. — As a woman I feel very bad for my mom because her life is a struggle but at the same time as a daughter I feel left in the cold and extremely depressed from her, and she doesn’t get it.
So here are few incidents with my mom to me:
- Never believes in my dreams. She might express a good word when she feels like it and then she comes back to tell me that I can’t succeed and that my luck is bad and that the reason I was born was for bad reasons which have been in my subconscious mind now and I seem to attract bad life my whole life.
- She doesn’t believe that anybody can like me romantically. If I tell her that “I sense that he likes me” she makes a disgusting face and says “you? U look like a kid. Nah” and if I tell her that “I don’t feel attractive” she says “you’re not, you have baby face you’re cute in ur own way, but it’s not attraction” and I’m like dude the way you explain it hurts.
- If I don’t agree with her, I’m a loser or it means I want war with her when all I want is to express myself. I remember things she have done or said and tells me this never happened and it leads me to think that I’m losing my mind.
- She doesn’t mind embarrassing me in front of the public even if I tell her “low your voice they are looking at us”, for example: She went to buy a phone once (she doesn’t treat herself either we are not well financially so this happens rarely) and she wanted an iPhone but there wasn’t available so a good Samsung one was available. I told her it’s not the same but if she really needs a new good phone that can endure in time she can take it. She did. Then blamed me for not being apple brand. Then I told her I will go to the bus to leave for work and that we will discuss it later. She came to the bus station where 20 people where tourists and non tourists, and she started yelling at me in front of everyone that I’m a bad daughter and that I don’t care for my mom which made me red out of shame. One of my colleagues was behind me drinking cofeee, I think she saw it all.
- If I tell her that I don’t like something she does or that she crosses my boundaries, it means that I’m being a diva to her
- She doesn’t mind making large noises when I’m sleeping. I think I have misophonia form this, I can’t stand noises when I’m trying to relax. I have told her about that that maybe it’s because of anxiety. She doesn’t care. My sleep is always interrupted it’s been years since I had a good sleep because of that. Most of the time I wake up with tachycardia because of the shock I get. And when I wake up angry she blames for sleeping. Blaming just works for her
- If we disagree or I complain about something (not out loud) and we are on the streets walking she will walk in front alone and ignore my existence or act like I’m a zombie. Today we went out me her and my sister and I told my sister in front of her that I’m done of her behavior and that I’m already sad with my life and I can’t tolerate any more of this situation because I’m tired. She started saying that I’m a liar and two faced. Then my sister left, and we were walking home and she was walking alone and I told her “mom? Wait” to walk with her. She started acting like she can’t hear me and a man looked at me confused. I felt ashamed. Then she started running away from me like I was a criminal or something. Another guy looked at me like I was some type of monster who was chasing her. I felt so disgusting.
- Everybody has their own relationship with god universe etc, right? And she has too, to her eyes her is the chosen one. But when I try to speak about my omens and the signs I receive she acts like I’m strange, if she is in a good mood she laughs but you can see in her face feeling weird.
- When I’m with her I hate myself. I hate my voice. My face. Everything. I don’t know why but in her orneece I hate myself.
- When I was younger I defended my mom to her family (her family sucks too) and my dad. This often resulted in them physically and emotionally abusing me because they hated a child telling them that they mistreated my mom. I told my mom about it years after. Her answer was “you didn’t do anything at all, you were supposed to do that, don’t act like a hero” yeah and you were supposed to make me feel safe lol
- When we fight she often says “at least I like men” I have told her that I might be bi I’m not sure but like why u use that against me?
- I feel embarrassed to talk for god to her even though she is a believer
- She always says that she is my luck and that without her I’m luckless and that in general in my own I can’t make it
- She doesn’t care about my health that much. She never believed me for my disorder even the neurologist told her “she is sick emotionally, she is sad and she is hurt and her body shows it without physical evidence which is challenging for her age, she is supposed to live life and now she is like this” my doctor also told me that “it’s like you have cancer but you don’t but you suffer like you do the only difference is that you’re not dying which to someone with cancer like this this would be a relief but you are alive” and my mom was like “yeah you’re mentally ill” no I’m sad. Sadness hurts like hell. After few years now she has some health issues and phychosomatic symptoms too. I try my best to give her advices and tell her from my experience and all she says is “shut up u don’t know anything” and I tell her “I suffered three years from it” and she simply ironically laughs. My sister started having psychosomatic symptoms too and I told her that you all have me, I didn’t have anyone and she feels like shit but idk.
- She idolizes my sister and always says to the people that “my older daughter is something else, this one (me) is our problem”
- If I isolate myself because of sadness she calls me sick and says that “I’m dark”
- She says I’m violent , I’m not. She says I’m schizophrenic, I’m not. She says I might end up in jail. All these because my face looks like my dad. My dad has signs for all of these and she thinks I’m him. I want to do good to the world, I want to be married and have healthy kids. I want to be remembered for humanitiran spirit, I’m not like my dad and I’m not delulu, my dad is. Also both of my parents are victim mindsets, I don’t.
- If I’m good with my sister she is angry and says “it’s 2 vs 1” for example if I say something and my sister agrees then we are plotting against her wtf. If we fighting then she tools my sisters side.
- If I try to grow more and become more serious or mature to my opinions etc she cringes and says “why you act like an old lady?” Also she calls me a grandma and says “my soul is too old” and that “I’m boring” (nobody calls me a boring except her and tbh I know I’m not
- She says I’m dependent to her and when I show signs that I want to leave she is like “no we are 3 women alone u can’t live on your own away from us” and when I stay she makes me regret for being born
- She often says that my dad was right that he didn’t want me to be born and that I was really an accident she should have taken abortion
- She judges everything I do even the smallest things
- She curses me all the time. Telling me that I should suffer 10x than her for simply being me and that “even God is bored with me””
- If she does a favor to me it will be mentioned to every fight and if I do to her it will be dismissed
- She doesn’t even know my favourite colors
- I’m always the burden and I’m the one who is being blamed for everything. If my sister gets sick, it’s my fault. If we missed the bus, its my fault. If the earth crushed with Jupiter it’s my fault.
- I regret every goal I told her I want to accomplish
- If someone played with me to her it means that my intelligence is low, not that my age comes with naivety.
2024.05.13 17:58 YetAnotherBurner391 (TW: SH + Suicide) 18M Sudden mood dips for 1-2 hours at night
Until about a month ago I was doing fine, but then I suddenly I started getting episodes of extreme depression, self hate, losing all sense of interest or pleasure in activities I enjoy, I’ve felt restless, I’ve felt a need to (and acted on) urges to self harm. Last night it got a lot worse to the point I felt I had 0 hope left and wrote a suicide note. I cannot figure out what is going on, does anyone have any idea?
It perfectly fits the description of bipolar I have noticed, but the episodes do not last as long as bipolar apparently does, only being 1-2 hours max at night every few days to every day.
I used this list from mayoclinic to compare
Depressed mood, such as feeling sad, empty, hopeless or tearful (in children and teens, depressed mood can appear as irritability) (applies) Marked loss of interest or feeling no pleasure in all — or almost all — activities (applies) Significant weight loss when not dieting, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite (in children, failure to gain weight as expected can be a sign of depression) (applies according to my mum) Either insomnia or sleeping too much (applies) Either restlessness or slowed behavior (applies) Fatigue or loss of energy Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (applies) Decreased ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness (applies) Thinking about, planning or attempting suicide (applies)
I found this from the NHS
Bipolar disorder can occur at any age, although it often develops between the ages of 15 and 19. (I am 18 so I fit in the bracket)
Men and women from all backgrounds are equally likely to develop bipolar disorder.
The pattern of mood swings in bipolar disorder varies widely. For example, some people only have a couple of bipolar episodes in their lifetime and are stable in between, while others have many episodes.
I only seem to fit the descriptions of the depressive episodes however.
I am diagnosed with autism and anxiety
Medication: 40mg fluoxetine
My worry is that this doesn’t fit bipolar and I want to identify it ASAP so it can stop, it feels like it is ruining my life
I simply want to find a starting point to be able to discuss with my family and doctor
submitted by YetAnotherBurner391 to AskDocs [link] [comments]
It perfectly fits the description of bipolar I have noticed, but the episodes do not last as long as bipolar apparently does, only being 1-2 hours max at night every few days to every day.
I used this list from mayoclinic to compare
Major depressive episode
A major depressive episode includes symptoms that are severe enough to cause noticeable difficulty in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships. An episode includes five or more of these symptoms:Depressed mood, such as feeling sad, empty, hopeless or tearful (in children and teens, depressed mood can appear as irritability) (applies) Marked loss of interest or feeling no pleasure in all — or almost all — activities (applies) Significant weight loss when not dieting, weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite (in children, failure to gain weight as expected can be a sign of depression) (applies according to my mum) Either insomnia or sleeping too much (applies) Either restlessness or slowed behavior (applies) Fatigue or loss of energy Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (applies) Decreased ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness (applies) Thinking about, planning or attempting suicide (applies)
I found this from the NHS
Who's affected
Bipolar disorder is fairly common, and around 1 in every 100 people will be diagnosed with it at some point in their life.Bipolar disorder can occur at any age, although it often develops between the ages of 15 and 19. (I am 18 so I fit in the bracket)
Men and women from all backgrounds are equally likely to develop bipolar disorder.
The pattern of mood swings in bipolar disorder varies widely. For example, some people only have a couple of bipolar episodes in their lifetime and are stable in between, while others have many episodes.
I only seem to fit the descriptions of the depressive episodes however.
I am diagnosed with autism and anxiety
Medication: 40mg fluoxetine
My worry is that this doesn’t fit bipolar and I want to identify it ASAP so it can stop, it feels like it is ruining my life
I simply want to find a starting point to be able to discuss with my family and doctor