First time play through so I’m still learning, also sorry for the long read, I want to put as much information so i could get the correct suggestions, this is also kind of my interduction to this sub ( even though nobody asked)I’m taking it super slow. I’m currently power level 28 and player level 108… I think, I’m not in front of my screen but I think it’s right, Plankerton SSD 2, Ventures Power level 26 and player level 17, I typically play an Outlander loadout suggested from this sub ( T.E.D.D.Y) and tweak it for ( Blackbeards Stash) Only on Ventures. I like run and gun Crowd control type of play style but relay heavily on Trap tunneling… Funneling? I’m not sure which term is correct. I want to try different loadouts for all classes. I have mostly Base Game Loadouts.
I use and have upgraded some these weapons and traps
Xenon Bow, Vacuum tube bow, Super Shredder, Thrasher, Hemlock, The Viper, Long Arm Enforcer, The Grunt, Siegebreaker.
Argon Axe, Armageddon, DoomHammer, Walloper, Krypton Sword.
Ceiling Electric Field, Ceiling Gas Trap, Ceiling Drop Trap, Wall Launcher, Wall Dynamos, Wall Darts, Broadside, Wooden Floor Spikes, , Floor Freeze Trap, Anti-Air Trap Healing Pad and Defender Post(Snipers and Shotgunners)
really really enjoy both play styles. I’m not afraid to grind and it hast not become stagnate for me. I’ve never received or asked for Duped items or intentionally been carried but always thank the players that have carried me, I’m not a leech or AFKer, nor I’m a troll that enjoys sabotage.
I am fully aware that this sub and others like it are full of very helpful Guides and Advice and that there are Tons of YouTube videos out there but still I would like suggestions to the information I just wrote, I’m not to lazy to look up the information myself but this kind of narrows it down to what I should be looking for and may just out right answer questions.
Side Note I the have a PDF of Yearly event timeline for event Schematics/Hero’s/Wepons From Save The World Guide Subreddit
Again sorry for the massive read for very vague questions

1. Should I stop upgrading certain Schematics, winch once should I pour more into? What would be the perks most suggested for Said Traps or Wepons

2.i just Received my first Weapon voucher What would be a good weapon to use it on?

1. When I eventually get a hero voucher, what should I spend that on?
   
2. How do I even correctly play Horde? I cannot for the life of me get past the very first objective.
   
3. What heroes or perks Should I be looking for in the future?
   
4. Does my Player and power level seem correct or am I doing something wrong?
   
5. Why is getting to level 20 in Ventures so difficult, what should I do to improve a bit faster.
   
6. What Weapons would work better for what loadouts?
   

9.what Hero’s or Perks From Hero’s should I be looking to Recruit or buy from the item/Event Shop.

1. Should I go back Finish the Stonewood SSDs now or wait?
   
2. What’s the most efficient way to obtain Gold and X-Ray tickets and what happens to the Pirate Tickets if I don’t use them.
   

I’ve said it twice but I’m sorry for the long read and thanks to anyone who made it this far and thanks in advance for any advice.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/user posting in AITAH
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 5th May 2024
Update - 6th May 2024
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1 New Update
Thanks to u/Small-Bodybuilder160 for finding the update
Final Update - 10th May 2024
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AITAH for passing out during a family gathering meant to introduce our new baby?
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So, recently I(27F) had a beautiful baby girl with my husband(29M). She's my pride and joy, I love her more than I love myself. But, taking care of her has taken its toll on me. My husband promised the work would be 50/50 when we agreed we wanted children, but I don't feel that's being reflected by his actions this past month.
It's gotten to the point where I can't even ask him to wash her up without him saying something along the lines of, "My paternity leave is short, I want to make the most of it by relaxing a bit. I'll help you out later." And I get it. His paternity leave is only 6 weeks while mine is 16 weeks, but my nether regions hurt like a bitch for a better part of two weeks after the birth and all he could do for me was occasionally burp her.
Now, my baby girl has gotten to a phase where she doesn't want to sleep. She'll sleep for an hour, but then she's up and back to crying and I have to get up and try to soothe her. It's been happening for a week now and I've gotten so little sleep that I'm nodding off while eating or doing tge laundry and stuff. Saturday was the month anniversary of my daughter's birth, so I decided to gather both sides of the family to meet her. (They hadn't met her prior because a)I wanted to rest as much as I could and b)I heard somewhere that you shouldn't be taking babies out and about when they're fresh out the womb cause they're more prone to illness then).
So, we had this gathering at my mother's house and all was well. Everyone was cooing over our baby, there was food, people were catching up or meeting for the 1st time. It was nice. But, I had gotten about 3 hours(generous estimate) of sleep in total the past week and I was starting to feel the effects of it. I was feeling lightheaded and clammy, but I didn't wanna make a scene so I tried to go to a bedroom to lie down. I didn't take 10 steps before my vision completely blacked out.
I wasn't down for long, but I had fallen over which drew some attention. I explained to everyone who was concerned that I was fine and that I was just not getting enough sleep and I could see my husband visibly frown at that. They gave me some of the dessert my aunt made to get my sugar up and the party continued. I felt embarrassed about the whole thing, especially since everyone was still looking over me til we left, but it's whatever
What bothered me is my husband's reaction. When we got home, he started going off on me about how I "made him look bad" and like "he wasn't taking care of me". I was confused on how tf me passing out made HIM look bad, but he refused to explain himself and had a pity party for himself in the kitchen.
I was still feeling bad, so I decided to leave him alone and just to go sleep, but he seems to have taken that as a sign that I don't care about his feelings. He's in my ear this morning about how I just ignored him to go sleep last night and how I didn't even put the baby to sleep before leaving. Is he right? AITAH here?
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Update: So I've tried talking with him, but he's been ignoring me and the baby the last three hours. I'd usually wait longer, but I'm just too tired to deal with this right now. You guys were right, I do need help with this, and he's made it very clear he's not ready to help me yet, so I'm just going to go to my mom's place. I'm currently packing. I'm so done.
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Comments
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sophie_Mal
NTA and I can’t call your husband the names I want to because my comment will be deleted.
Paternity leave isn’t a time to relax, it’s a time you’re helping raise the baby and spending time together as a family. CLEARLY he is not doing either of these things as A. You’d be better rested and B. He’d have noticed you’re exhausted.
You passing out made him look bad because it was clear to everyone that you’re being left to raising your baby alone. It’s clearly not a partnership and the AH you’re married to is turning it onto you to shift responsibility and blame.
You need to seriously reconsider the relationships future and bring this up with him as it all comes down to him and his behaviour. If he gets his shit together, then things will be much better. But if he doesn’t, you and your daughter deserve so much better.
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awaythrowers97
He doesn't know what "paternity leave" is and doesn't really want to take care of his family. Sadly, you can't seem to shake that loser.
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ArticleOld598
This deadbeat of a father and husband is using his 6 weeks to laze around instead of using it taking care of his wife & child.
OP you said you love your baby more than yourself, would you want to let her grow up and think that it's normal for wives to push themselves while they're sleepless and in pain until they faint & husbands to berate them instead of worrying & taking care of them?
Tell your parents that your husband doesn't help you at all & blamed you for "making him look bad". You know what else makes him look bad? Being a deadbeat father and partner.
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**Judgement - NTA*\*
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Update - 1 day later
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Hi all, your comments were really helpful, so thank you!
Yesterday, before I could Uber to my mom's house, my sister offered to help me, so I'm staying with her instead. She's taking PTA to help me out with my girl, which I'm very grateful for. She also gave me sleep medicine that knocked me out for hours (I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not, but I slept long and well so I don't care.)
I woke up a few hours ago to tons, and I mean TONS, of messages from my husband. Like, the little app icon had 99+ on it. Here are some of the things he said(copy pasted):
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• You cant just up and fucking leve with my baby
• Come back now pls let's talk abt it
• Your actually so fuvking immature wth is wrong with you we have one argument and you fucking pretend like I've been beating you why the hell did you leave????
• We can work this out like adults yet your choosing to be difficult like a little bitch
• Pls just come back we will talk and sort this out and we can go back to being happy so come back
• I miss my baby girl you can't just take her away
• What if I call the police for kidnapping??? Would that teach you wat your doing is wrong???

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I would screenshot, but it says this community doesnt allow attachments, so i can't. And I know it's a bit weird to tell yall what he's been texting me, but I'm mad right now and this feels therapeutic lol. I already sent the screenshots to his mom though!
As for my baby, I have an appointment to a paediatrician for Wednesday, but for now she's on formula since my breast milk quality isn't the best for understandable reasons. My sister said she wasn't as fussy as I described, so I really think the problem is with my milk. That or my sister wanted to make me feel better for sleeping, who knows. I'll wait for the doctor's opinion.
I'm not feeling 100% but I feel a whole lot more better than before. Thank you to everyone who showed concern! I think this will be the last update since I wanna not think too much about my husband rn.
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Comments
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ZombieJoesBasement
I am sooo glad you left and got some help and rest. You definitely need and deserve it.
I still can't get over your husband's mental gymnastics here. He hasn't been a parent, hasn't helped you at all, and hasn't really spent any time caring for his daughter and only cares about what other people (besides you) think, but "misses his baby girl" and wants you to come back "so we can go back to being happy"?! Sounds like the only person who was happy was him--he got a 6 week vacation and didn't have to lift a finger. Let me guess-you were doing all the cooking and cleaning on top of caring for the baby? From what he is texting you, he thinks he did nothing wrong. He is being deliberately obtuse.
To add insult to injury he calls you a bitch and threatens you with the cops. Lovely. He is a real peach.
I really want to know what his mom has to say. Does she know he was mad at you for passing out?
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Efficient-Cupcake247
Because it isn't about love. It is about control and image. Please keep strong. You have done a fabulous job doing what you need to for you and baby. Best wishes
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blehguardian
To be clear, kidnapping is not involved. Until a custody agreement is submitted to the court, either married parent is legally permitted to take their child for any reason.
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Aggravating-Pipe-903
Damn, this dude is crazy. Hopefully next update it’ll be ex-husband
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**New Updates*\*
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AITAH for passing out during a family gathering meant to introduce our new baby? LAST UPDATE - 4 days later
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For all of you who wanted to know what his mother's reaction was, she yelled at him and he made that my problem. The things he's messaged me are vile. And even though MIL was mad at him and KNOWS what he's been saying to me, she still insisted that I go visit him face to face so we can work things out.
I don't really blame her. He's her son, of course she'd still want to help him, but still....With all the ways he's been threatening me and cussing me out, I really didnt want to see him, but I decided to go. Mostly because I needed the stuff that I left at our house.
I went with my sister for safety, obviously. We got there and he played with our baby, he offered to feed her (she wasn't hungry), just acting completely different from the man texting me about how much of a "heartless bitch" I am. I didn't really feel comfortable having him near me or the baby with how violent his texts were, but she's still his baby. I don't think the courts would favour him after I show his texts, but I thought I should rather be safe and allow him some form of contact before going to court. This was a mistake.
At the end of the visit, I decided I should go pack my stuff, since that was one of the only reason I agreed to come. But, I didn't feel comfortable not being there while he had my baby. Yeah, my sister was there and I trust her, but I'd rather watch her with my own eyes. So, my sister went upstairs to pack for me. As soon as she was gone, he started talking about "See? I'm good now I can take care of her." And other stuff but that wasn't the problem. Even if he became super dad, I wouldn't be able to see him the same. Not after all those messages he sent me.
I told him that and he got pissed at me. I was getting worried since my daughter was still in his arms, so I tried to deescalate his feelings. It didn't work and he started yelling at me for "being heartless" and "stubborn" and whatnot. I wasn't really focused on what he was saying, I was focused on my baby. I tried to reach out for her and he shoved me hard enough to fall back. My sister came down and tried to help, but he shoved her away too and ran to the guest room and locked himself and MY BABY in there. He refused to come out unless my sister left and i stayed behind. I can't tell y'all how scary it is to not know what's happening to your child.
It took officers almost 30 minutes to get him out, which pissed me off. Like I know they were probably trying to assess the danger or whatever but I just wanted my baby. In that 30 minute window he could've shaken her or threw her out the window or something and they were there asking him to come out like he was a child and not breaking down the door. She was fine, though, so I can't be too mad.
They didn't arrest him since "no harm was done" even though my sister and I have bruises to prove otherwise, but they held him outside while I packed my stuff. It actually bothers me that they didn't at least detain him, but there's not much I can do about it now. I don't think I'm going to go near him again. Not with my baby. I'm thinking of going to apply for that emergency custody thing yall were talking about.
This happened on Wednesday and I'm still shaken. It's really depressing, for a lack of better word, seeing how much he's changed. I really loved him and I felt he loved me too. How he's acting is crushing me. I feel deflated. My baby girl and my sister are really the only things keeping me going right now.
I'm sorry for the wall of text, it's just that texting this all out helps me feel better. But, I don't think I want to continue updating. Just know that we're splitting up. Thank you all for your support!!
Extra: after visiting the doctor, I've decided to just skip the hassle and formula feed. She seems happier with formula anyways.
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Comments
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JanetInSpain
OMG document everything. Take pictures of the bruises. Go see a doctor and tell the doctor you just need things documented to protect yourself and your baby. File a police report for assault and both you and your sister write detailed statements of everything that happened. Then apply for emergency custody.
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georgiajl38
Go to the police station and file a report for assault. Screw those cops. They didn't have to take him but the assault report should have definitely been filed. Get in front of a magistrate asap!!!
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am F22, 5'6, 183 pounds and exercise daily. I am white. I haven't lost weight on the scale yet, but I've gone from a 36 inch waist to a 30 inch waist. I don't drink, I don't do drugs but I do vape. Ive taken 37.5mg of Effexor for the past 4 days after ceasing Sertraline 75mg after 3 months. Diabetes does run in my family but typically during menopause/older age. My grandfather had type 1 diabetes and he died at 57 years old. My last blood test was in 2022 in the ER due to abdominal pain. Cystic leisons in pelvic area, cystic leisons around bladder extending to my interior abdominal muscle/internal debris found and SI joint arthritis. Other than that, unremarkable. Tip top shape. I had my Mirena IUD taken out April 17th 2024. Today my boyfriend brought donuts home and I had four within the course of a few hours. Eventually I went to the gym, worked out for an hour and came back upstairs. Enjoyed another delicious donut. I don't typically eat sugar because I'm not a fan of sweets and the most sugar I get in a day is from ketchup or grapes. My period was/is two days late so I did what any responsible and paranoid young lady would do and took a test. The test required me to pee into the little cup it provided and use a dropper to transfer the urine into the test. I urinated into the cup and noticed a sweet smell. I smelled myself and my clothes because it honestly smelled exactly like donuts or a gourmand vanilla perfume. No, not me, so I brought the cup up to my nose to get a closer smell. My urine smelled like the donut glaze they use at Tim Hortons, which is exactly where the donuts I enjoyed came from. I finished the test, I am not pregnant, yippe! I have been noticing odd symptoms that easily could be explained by other things going on in my life. Dry mouth, thirsty constantly, urinating constantly, fatigue, blurry vision: SSRI. I stopped taking Sertraline very specifically because a few times a week I would wake up dizzy, shaking, nauseous, diarrhea, blurry vision, laggy vision and rapid heart beat. I'd get up, unlock the door incase I needed to call 911, get my gigantic water bottle, find my way into a hot shower and sit in it until I felt "settled" and then eat a bite of an uncrustable. I would go back to bed and hope I wouldn't die. I'd wake up feeling better but overall lethargic. My doctor said it's not possible Sertraline was the cause of this because he confirmed I didnt have serotonin Syndrome. He seemed frustrated but switched me anyways because he had no explanation otherwise. I noticed about a few months ago my urine smelled like the buttered popcorn and I never thought much about it, since I am not a peeologist. 

About an hour after my sweet urine dilemma I started to feel like garbage. Perhaps anxiety, perhaps not. All I know, is that it probably wasn't a great idea to smarf down 4 donuts at once and then 1 donut after the gym. I don't typically eat donuts, but I was so hungry and they really hit the spot.

A few questions. Is it possible to have sweet smelling urine without having diabetes? Is it possible that because I don't eat much sugar that I didn't notice until now? Am I just overly anxious about my other symptoms and being paranoid? If I am diabetic do SSRI's & SNRI'S affect your blood glucose or insulin? 

I have an appointment with my doctor on the 23rd and I will be bringing it up with him. I just don't want to sound crazy or overly paranoid about my health. If this is concerning (which all put together sounds like it is lol), I do live with my boyfriend so he will be around to keep an eye on me. I also acknowledge I am overweight and I am working on it actively by daily exercise, caloric deficit and healthy foods.

I honestly don't know what to do. Yesterday, my GF called me over for a serious talk, she didn't specify anything, just that it is important and that we had to talk. We drove to a nearby Café as she wanted to talk in public. After ordering something small, she started to talk and said that she wants to breakup for the following reasons: - Our lives don't fit together, as she's working in a really competitive firm for a trade and I study electrical engineering while working part-time. She told me that she wants me to have a GF who wants the same life as me, the typical happy family life with a house and garden. - Time, she thought that I "stole" her time and chance of a proper social circle. - Family, our Families don't like each others, while my family does like her, her parents don't like me at all and tell her to break off things with me all the time.
After giving her reasons, she then began to cry while talking about this and just left. I told her to wait around the corner as I wanted to pay before continuing the talk. I had no choice other than accepting all of this. While I did still love her, I don't want to force anyone to love me. We did talk some more after that, but the ending was already clear, she told me to pick up my things tomorrow and delete all pictures of her and that's how she ended our first relationship of 3 years and 5 months. We were our first everything and she just threw it away for some bullshit manageable reasons.
I've gone home and just cried and screamed. I was angry, sad, confused and just wanted her back. But at some point it just stopped... There was this phenomenon of polar lights taking place at night in my country and I just couldn't stop staring at them. They were beautiful, but the crying didn't stop. I didn't feel my face anymore. Everything felt numb and I slept on the balcony that day.
The next started, I went to where she lived and wanted to pick my things up, she was waiting infront of her door, on a bench we loved to sit on and just enjoy our time together. We talked, she cried, I held her in my arms but honestly I didn't feel anything during that time... She told me that she wants to take back everything she said, because she made a mistake which completely shocked me but honestly I didn't care and just accepted it. She told me that every reason was bullshit and she was being dramatic and that it was an impulsive decision of hers. I don't want to throw everything away but I still feel numb and nothing feels the same about her anymore. She was willing to throw everything away for no reason at all but I trust her enough to know that she wouldn't cheat on yet I just don't get it, why would she do all of this? How do I go about with this feeling of numbness in my heart? Can everything be restored? How do I fully love her again? I want to try and I really do as I want her to be my future wife... I actually bought a ring 4 days ago but of course I'm not going to propose now, as it's definitely not the right time. I want the both of us to be happy and preferably together, but what can I do to go about this?
I apologise about my english as it is my third language,
I apologise for my bad english due to it being my third language, so please don't mind the weird wording.
TLDR: My GF of 3 years broke up with me for bullshit reasons, she wanted me back the day after and I accepted but I still feel numb when thinking about her. I want to let go of this numbness and need some advice on what to do.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s, about 5 years ago. I tried a few medications and couldn’t sleep well (doctor and I realized I clear medicines EXTREMELY slow so moved to instant release and it was much better) but soon after that I was trying to get pregnant at the time so I stopped taking meds.
Fast forward to a few months ago, my kid is 3 and I was having a really hard time with focus. I decided to try medication again.
I began with 5mg IR adderall (I split the dose into 2) and even on the first day it was completely life changing. My brain stopped doing a million things at once. Sleep was hard at first but that side effect passed.
I also have terrible IBS which is better and my mood felt more even and balanced.
However, 5mg stopped working pretty quickly and didn’t last long enough. So I went to 10mg.
Now all the above positive effects and I was sleeping better and it was lasting most of the work day if I divided up my doses right.
But then I felt like 10mg wasn’t quite working the same and I am now on 15mg
I’m just feeling worried I’m developing tolerance but maybe this is normal? I began medication early March of this year.
It’s been so life changing in so many positive ways I really want this to keep working.

Tw: mentions of suicide
I just want to off myself already I cant take this for much longer.
I live with 1 nparent and another with extreme anger issues. I am clinically diagnosed with Bipolar 2.
Its been a whole day of shouting, hitting, gaslighting, threatening, the whole set. I'm so tired I can only do this for so long. The minute I woke up the first thing I saw was the n"mom" trying to light clothes on fire because she had fight with the "dad" about money, not doing enough for her, the "dad" brainwashing me, etc. The dad blew up and went crazy around the house.
I had to stop them because I didn't want anything to burn down so I got roped into the fight. Peeled skin, pulled hair strands, broken stuff, etc.
All before I even had breakfast.
I took a video of what was going on and in a moment of stupidity I posted it on fb. I restricted it to only be viewable by my sister (who's off in college) and the n"mom" and tagged them both. I don't know what I wanted to happen. Maybe scare them? Show them what they've been doing? I really dont know.
Its been a whole day of high tension in the house and the 2 of them have been taking turns threatening to leave the house and the screaming matches have been going on.
They just saw what I posted around dinner time and now the "dad" is going crazy again. Shouting at me that they still gave birth to me and all that. He's been screaming at me to leave the house.
I want to leave so bad for years now but I have lots of pets. Pets who i know I cant take with me since I cant afford a good place on my own. But I can't leave them either since no one would look after them. I love my pets so much they're the only ones who saved me countless times.
It was one of my pets birthday a day after mothers day and I celebrated it. We didn't celebrate mother's day for obvious reasons and the n"mom" of course brought that up. That there's more importance on the pets than her. I wonder why lol
Yesterday I so desperately hoped that the n"mom" would die when she went out on her own, angry about something again but no which is why we got today. She even had the audacity to scream at us that her ghost wouldn't accept our tears when we cry at her funeral. If I do cry its only going to be from relief.
Right now I'm just extremely scared and tired. I just want to end it all and be done with this. I can't see this resolving without one of us being gone.

I’ve posted about my fiancée and his penile issue /peyronies. Well, he did get images done finally. How folks are able to get into urologists within a couple weeks and all that stuff is mind blowing considering it takes at least a few months here. Very jealous!
Urologist 1- Spent 5 mins barely doing anything and complained about previous patient the entire time. Didn’t do any exam and left. Most told was to come back 1 year after any pain subsided. He said it was peyronies. This felt super off to us. Which lead to seeking a second opinion.
Urologist 2- He had this appointment already set up when he saw the first doc however it wasn’t for like 6 months. Finally got in there. Fairly discrete, they had the male PA do the palpitating then the women doctor came in afterwards. She confirmed her colleague felt the scar tissue area and said it was peyronies, however given the description of the curvature warned some curves / twisting cannot be helped by injection. Told to have penetrative sex and scheduled an ultrasound.
Fast forward to imaging appt. He said again, they had a male tech do all the ‘embarrassing’ stuff. Then she came in, injected the viagra stuff in and told him the tech would be back in about 7 mins but to work up an erection in the meantime… as fiancée stated, this was a surprise to him and just freaky as hell. They put porn on and left him to get it up. As he said, no amount of viagra is going to help him in that situation.
By the time tech came back, he said between the needle site aching like crazy, the whole situation and the tech handling his semi erect member, he couldn’t maintain anything. I told him that tech also has a penis and has seen his fair share most likely. Not a great comfort to him, I guess.
Fast forward, after all done he went and waited in another room. Doctor comes in and tells him there was no curvature and that one of two tubes that carries blood into the shaft was damaged not holding blood in place and, as he said, there was a lot of jargon tossed about he didn’t quite understand and next thing he knew he was being scheduled for an inflatable penile implant surgery… he was very confused wth just happened.
And so, since that appointment, he has since called off the scheduled surgery as it didn’t make sense to him. He still gets and maintains erections like a teenager, he performs fine during sex, if not climax much faster than before all this began over a year again due to, as he said, it not feeling like his own penis. There’s just a large bite mark below the head and a twist/curve downward.
So, we discussed this and think a third opinion is justifiable since there’s two diagnosis, add in that the second doc is a surgeon so he’s not convinced she just wants to operate regardless.
Any advice?
It makes no sense to us the second appt they confirmed there was peyronie’s evidenced, however the twist and curve (via photo he showed) would make treatment difficult yet next appt for imagining claims there’s nothing there…
Edit: He is 46, taking 5mg of Taladafil nightly. He’s lost some girth mainly from the bite mark looking area under the head and it now twists to the right and down. Has used the stretchy contraption daily along with manually stretching with his hands throughout the day.

I was born male and have been struggling with gender dysphoria my whole life. I've lived as a trans woman for 4 years, but have been detransitioning for 1.5 months. I'm apolitical and agnostic, but I think gender dysphoria is very much poorly understood, its understanding impacted too much by politics, and transitioning doesn't work for everyone and shouldn't be the only solution.
I'm exclusively attracted to women, perhaps to a fault: once I meet a woman or female character I like, I start to picture myself as her and want to be her, and a feeling of envy often follows, which is one of the ways my dysphoria is triggered. I recently began to train myself not to think that way, like "you don't want to be her, you just find her attractive which is natural" but to minimal success. I also have trauma that influenced my dysphoria.
After 4 years of transitioning, I felt it didn't really help me aside from small changes and placebo. Not only was everything so temporary and expensive, it also put me in the constant mindset of nitpicking and hating my body/gender. I never fully passed, and continued living as a male as always. I became the embarrassment and reject of my family and society. Transitioning is neither natural nor biological; it's going against it with experimental technology and gaslighting. I'll never be a real woman, and I'll never be as good at being a woman as so many other women I've seen in my life. So, I decided to stop transitioning.
Currently, my mind feels so much more free from constantly thinking about gender and my body. I'm taking antipsychotics and they help a bit, especially with the trauma side. But I am deeply miserable. I can't picture myself as male; the very notion makes me want to hurt and kill myself. I struggle to stop thinking about being female and feeling happy about it on the inside, or picturing myself as a woman I like. I struggle to feel happy and make peace with my body. I'm so tired. Why do I have to be this way?
I already have therapy, but they seem to be leaning towards me transitioning so I can feel happy. I try not to think about dysphoria, by distracting myself with video games, studying, and anime. Anyone have any suggestions on how to treat dysphoria without transitioning? Thanks!

I wrote a massive post explaining my history of drug addiction and why I'm now on TRT. I explained why I think these factors might be contributing to gyno, but Reddit bugged out and deleted it. So frustrating, but shit happens. I just wrote the most important parts below, because cba to write it all again.
Really hope someone could give me their opinion on this. I'm 29 and I've been on TRT for 8 months, my E2 became elavated for a while when my doctor introduced HCG. I tried many different protocols in an attempt to lower e2 without taking an AI. I went as low as 90mg T, but I still had awful e2 side effects, mainly debilitating anxiety. Eventualy I tried a tiny dose of an AI and the anxiety disappeared.
also worth mentioning, my prolactin has been fluctuating for years as I used to be addicted to opiates, alcohol, and benzos. Ive been clean off these drugs for almost 3yrs now, although I'm still tapering off kratom. Sadly my prolactin can still be high due to the kratom, and is either within the normal range or occasionally as high as 800. Until recently my weekly protocol was the following:
3x injections of 67mg testosterone cypionate (200mg total)
3x injections of HCG (1500iu total)
1x small dose of aromacin (3mg)
I've decided to lower my testosterone to 150mg as I think it's unnecessarily high, and is probably causing my e2 to rise again. I've always had big beef burger nipples, but they've definitely gotten more puffy looking since starting TRT. Do you think I'm slowly developing gyno because my TRT dose is too high, or am I panicking over nothing?
Really appreciate any advice or opinions on this. I’ll be honest it’s stressing me out, I can't stop thinking about it.
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I (55m) was getting in shape when I hurt my knee and couldn't run for awhile. I asked my doctor if there was any temporary help to keep the weight off so I don't lose what ground I worked so hard for. He was reluctant since I didn't meet the overweight criteria, but since I assured him it was just temporary, he finally gave in and prescribed me an appetite suppressor. I never take unnecessary drugs and I wound up not taking these, they just sat in my cabinet. About a year later, I was gaining some weight and hurt my back. I thought I'd try the appetite suppressor so I can get back in shape faster and recover. I took a pill and about 2 hours later I felt a tingling sensation in my groin and then a warm feeling like I pissed myself 🙄. I didn't piss myself, but my thought was my back injury is causing some unusual nerve damage. I went to the doctor for my back issues and they wanted some CT scans. I decided to just go home and use my inversion table to see If I could fix it myself. After about a week, my back was 90% better, but I noticed my man parts weren't working like they should when me and wife were playing tickle fight. The next day I was curious of what my body did (or didn't do) and tested my body for my ability to get an erection. I've never experienced this. Well, it's confirmed, I'm now having ED issues. I'm troubled by this revelation and start having internal resentment. Is this an age thing? Is it back injury nerve damage? Days go by and I start thinking about what I've done lately that might have a connection. I then remember this magical pill I started taking that helped me keep the weight off. I googled the side effects of this appetite suppressor and BOOM there it was. I immediately quit taking this stupid pill. In less than 24hrs later, my body was back to normal. WTH?? Why didn't my DOCTOR or PHARMACIST warn me of this IMPORTANT side effect?? Now I have this personal vendetta to warn EVERYONE (young/old, male/female) to be cautious about taking new medications sitting in your cabinet. Good grief 😔

I'm a student nurse. I can do very little for my patients without my supervisor, well, supervising.
Yesterday was one of the hardest shifts I've ever worked as a student. We were severely short staffed, and my supervisor was a deputy manager that had to take on patients to cover the shortage. It meant that every time we tried to get something done, the phone rang and she had to answer - and I absolutely don't fault her for that, she has a ward to run, after all.
I'm confident in my abilities to give medications, set up IVs, take bloods etc., but I can't go ahead with any of that without her double checking what I'm doing. I did what I could with unsupervised skills like taking observations, filling in paperwork, even liaising with the doctors by myself, but we were fighting an uphill battle all day, constantly several steps behind what would be considered 'normal' operation.
The paralysis was suffocating.
I said to one of the HCAs at one point that I feel like I'm on pause while the jobs stack up on top of me, like watching a game of un-manned Tetris. It was only during the commute home that my words sunk in, because that is my life, my constant state of being when I'm behind closed doors. I'm stuck in freeze while life's pressures pile up.
At work, I want to fight against it, because my patients are in pain, they're distressed, they're sick, and I can help alleviate that if I just had a second set of eyes on me. But I don't have the energy or the willpower to extend that fight to myself, because I was raised to believe that I don't matter, I wasn't important enough for my parents to care about me, so why should I now care for myself? Thank you therapy for that crushing realisation...
Nursing is full of self-sacrificers, so I guess I'm in the right place, but what a mindf*ck of a day.

Last night, I initiated a conversation with my partner on how I was about to “meddle” in someone else’s business but stopped myself. For some context: two men we were having dinner with seemed to be having a miscommunication around their expectations around the bill. I could see what the other man was implying without saying, and wanted to help them rectify the situation, but I decided that they were two adults and could figure it out and stopped myself.
So I initiated a conversation with my partner (about my decision to notice and decide to not jump in) and my partner responds with how I should be mindful of the ways that I am interacting with people because I 1. make jokes that aren’t actually jokes, and just things I think and 2. Don’t know or have a relationship with these people, so they may not understand where I am coming from. Their overall message was that I should be mindful of how I am engaging with others.
I asked them “are you referring to something in particular?” (Perhaps my energy at this point was anxious, and while I can be defensive, I wholeheartedly believe I wanted to understand better what they were referring to). They asked if I understood that they were just saying I should be mindful and that it was not a criticism of me. And I replied that I wanted to understand more what they meant. They said that what I actually wanted was a scenario where they just tell me not to do something.
Things started to fall into hell there.
They asked me to repeat back to them what they communicated, which I honestly hate when they do because I know there will be a problem. So I repeat back my understanding “I don’t have a rapport with everyone so when—“ they cut me off and said that I was distorting their words to be a criticism of me. That I was making it negative and that all they were saying was that I should be mindful when I interact with others. I didn’t feel negative about their feedback, I felt confused mostly.
They asked me if I was mindful, and I said “no”. I guess mostly because I felt like there was something that was hovering over my head that I didn’t catch. Perhaps I’m not mindful.
My main concern is that I develop so much anxiety around interacting with others because I cannot see what I may be doing and what I am not mindful of. I’m working overall on mindfulness.
I’m sharing this here for opinions? I feel like I cannot trust myself. And even in moments when I’m reflecting on how I had an urge, I’m being told that I should be more mindful. For clarity, I am not grandiose and I don’t feel the need to be the center of attention. I participate in conversations that are interesting to me and I am self-aware enough to listen to what someone else is saying and respond to that. I can hold a conversation. When things aren’t interesting to me, I don’t put a lot of energy into maintaining a conversation because it feels exhausting to me. I don’t believe myself to be rude, I am responsive but not proactive in question asking. In conversation, I do believe I could benefit from asking other people more questions.
Anyway, last night, I sat on the end of the table on the outside. I don’t remember talking much because everyone was so far away.
The exchange last night triggered me. When I came back to set a boundary, before I could set the boundary I was being told that I was telling my partner that it was their fault. I said “I know you don’t have a reason to trust that I’m not being defensive, because in the past I’ve prioritized my defenses over your feelings and genuine attempts to help-“ they cut me off and said that I was making this about their inability to trust instead of taking accountability for what I did. I felt like I was being thoughtful of what they might be going through, and I was going to go on to say that when I’m asking for a specific action, I’m really trying to know what it was that I did that made them (or others) feel a way. We have this same argument all the time. My partner says I don’t care about them, I ask why they say that, what have I done, and they generalize my entire being and make it about my lack of care. Only hours in do they say “and you didn’t do x, y, z” but by that point I’m fighting about how I am not a person who is incapable of care. By that point I’m angry and crying or they are having a meltdown, crying, and yelling.
This is a lot of detail because I want to have adequate context. Please feel free to tell me of any distortions I may have. I just really need advice and I don’t trust myself (and I guess my partner) anymore.

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My husband was diagnosed with oab a year ago. He's been taking toviaz since then but hasn't found it had had much benefit and is actually thinking it may be causing some issues. His main symptoms around a year ago were an almost constant urge and not feeling done. He used to take around 40 mins in the bathroom a year ago but now he takes over an hour and a half each time because he isn't done. He urinates with a normal, steady flow first of all, but then isn't done after this. Every few minutes after he has a small stream/trickle of urine. He can still feel that he isn't done and is at the point where after an hour of this he strains really hard to get any out. He knows this is really bad and he doesn't want to do it but he feels like he's got no other choice otherwise he might end up leaking.
Prostate is normal, bloods are normal, no infections. He had an ultrasound when he was diagnosed last year to see if there was any retention which they said he didn't, however he didn't drink anything at all/very little all day before his appointment and when they asked him to use the bathroom he went until he felt done as opposed to after the first normal stream of urine so I feel like maybe the results weren't right because of this. I also understand toviaz can cause retention issues, he's also a medical cannabis patient and cannabis can make the effects of toviaz stronger so I am concerned that maybe this has worsened his symptoms.
We are seeing the doctor at some point this week (he doesn't have a urologist we can ask) but I just want to get a better idea of what I'm asking the doctor so we can get what we want out of the appointment, we've had a history of being fobbed off. Does this sound like retention issues? Or even something other than oab? Sorry long post haha

Edit: DO NOT message me a simple hi or hello, with no information about you, Put some effort in to your message like i have, come on. Day+Attempt#187
Hello everyone, Thank you for taking the time to read, I know its long, I know - I know. But its worth the read, Trust me. I appreciate you immensely.
Here's a bit about me,
My name is Jay, I live on the East coast of the US. I'm looking for love - like everyone else on here.., but you may not believe or even be doubtful that I've never had a GF before with me being 26, but its true. I'm simply just not willing to "be with" just anyone and I'm very picky. I want us to be a match, more than just have similar things in common.
One thing I have always been told is that I'm a "Real Catch, I'd be extremely lucky to have someone like you" - WELL THEN TAKE ME. I'M FREE. LOL.
About me:
Physically -
~I'm a semi-tall guy, around 5'10.
~I'm thin but muscular.
~I have dirty blonde/ brown hair.
~Changing colored eyes.
~A voice nice enough to melt all your safeguards and get right into your heart and weak spots.
~I do not have any tattoos or piercings. Though I would like to get some eventually.
If you'd like to see a picture of me just ask and I'll show you - IF I may see you as well, I simply just don't want a picture of me out there for anyone to see.
-If there's anything else you'd like to know just ask.
Otherwise -
~I do have 3 pet bunnies I would be more than happy to show you, they are extremely cute.
~I'm a very honest and down to earth guy.
~I'm very patient and easy going.
~I'm very curious and inquisitive. I will try to ask everything I can to learn all about you haha.
~I'm Very VERY Kind & Caring, I will probably ask how you are feeling a bajillion times a day, simply out of care for you.
~I can get pretty clingy, and will always want your attention and to be talking with you. If i have someone im interested in i wont want to talk to anyone else🤷‍♂️
~I'm very trustworthy - you can confide in me, and entrust your deepest secrets and I wont tell a soul.
~I'm a HUGE hopeless romantic, im old fashioned and will always try to impress you.
- I'm, a BIG softie even though I may look a smol bit intimidating, but I'd do just about anything to see you smile or laugh. And yes.., I do mean anything.
~I'm a big goof - I will get up to some silly shenanigans ALL the time, I will crack dumb jokes and send you memes and tik toks just to make you happy, even if its from across the room I'd wait to see your reaction lol.
~I'm extremely loyal, and would never even think of cheating.
~I will cook for you, and clean up too, even around the house, I'm very self productive and don't ask for much. Just don't forget to kiss the cook.
~I'd also love to just cuddle up and watch a movie or read a book together, anything to get us closer. Id try to take you out on dates whenever possible haha. I have a million SUPER romantic date ideas I have but have never had anyone interested enough in me to take out. Here's your chance ;)
~I will always want to share stuff I find interesting with you, and try to share every moment of every day with you. I'm not looking for someone who can only talk for a small amount of time, I want someone who's willing to put in all the effort I put into them back into me, it goes both ways. If I'm "with" someone you are my TOP priority nobody and nothing else would be. You would be the only person I'd truly want to talk to, so rest assured I would NEVER cheat, even more so because no one is interested in me - Hence why I'm here hahaha.
I'm sure there is more to me than this snippet but I cant think of more at the moment haha, so get to know me and find out more about me.
Some of my interests are: Engineering- I'm a nerd. I admit it. I love being technical and hands on, I love building things. All kinds of things, from furniture, machinery, and reverse engineering anything I find. I love learning how things work and trying to improve things.
Music - I prefer music with a very fast pace, or with some very meaningful lyrics I can relate to. I love to sing along to music and songs that have a deep meaning behind it I can sympathize with makes it all the better. Some bands I like are: Bad Omens, Beartooth, Demon Hunter, MIW, I9K - The list goes on. I'm a bit of a metalhead unfortunately.
TV Shows & Movies - I love watching shows, and I'd love to stream some shows and have some E-dates with you, to get to know you, or if you are close to me, maybe we could do it in person. Some shows I like or more of the Fantasy/Sci-Fi, Comedy, Action, stuff like: National Treasure, Halo, BattleBots, Rick and Morty, AHS, Anything Marvel or DC, The Witcher, Wednesday, The Sandman, The Magicians, The Umbrella Academy, ETC.
Gaming - Yes yes I know, Basic guy likes basic stuff. But gaming has been a thing for me since forever. I know most of you wont care or want to hear that, but I'll leave out the specifics on this part unless you are interested in that, MEGA Bonus points if you are.
Here's a lists of Cons to dating me-
~I'm not Ryan Reynolds. Disappointing, I know.
~I will fight you on what goes on pizza lol.
~I'm not rich.., Yet.
~I can't pronounce Worcestershire.
~I'm slightly forgetful, but with good reasoning.
~(Not really a con but- some might disagree) I still have ALL of my firsts, Do with that what you will c:
~I've got an endless pile of love and affection and no one to give it to! What a dilemma! Help me fix it?
Other than that I'll save the rest for a bit more of getting to know each other.
Here's a bit of what I'm looking in you:
~Preferably someone with lots of free time, and loves to chit chat. I'm seriously not interested in getting 1 message a day. Though I understand people get busy, I personally am not willing to try to learn about you and form something with 7 responses a week. Effort gets reciprocated and I appreciate the time you put in me.
~Physically: -I’m not personally attracted to anyone who’s “curvy/ chubby”, I apologize. Not a shallow thing, I just dont have the attraction chemical in my brain for that, I’m sorry. -If you’re shorter than me, thats a plus to me. -I love dimples, if you have those when you smile, bonus points 😊 - I’m not sure what else to put.., but as for nsfw wise find out😂
~I'm a sucker for a different accent other than American, and if you have an Posh English accent you have already won my heart.
~I'm also only really looking for someone within the ages of 18-35. I don't want anyone old enough to be my mom lol.
~I'd prefer (But not a must) people NOT on the other side of the world, as other time zones SUCK. I don't expect to find anyone who also has never had a boyfriend either, but that would be a real plus. I also don't mind a LDR, but I don't want that forever. But it gives us time to get to know each other.
But as for attributes I'm looking for in you:
~Someone who is above all else very very Loyal and would never cheat.
~Someone who is Honest, and will tell me the truth over a little white lie.
~Someone who is Kind & Caring, who'd constantly check on me, and accept me for who I am & help me improve day to day.
~Someone who is trustworthy, and I can count on to keep my secrets safe, or even just help me remember things.., I do tend to be somewhat forgetful.
~Someone who is very Patient and wants to see me succeed and will help me do so, just like I would help you. Even if its small day to day things, I would appreciate your company ANY time.
~I want a partner who is Affectionate, can reciprocate, and loves to snuggle and talk about their day, and what their interests are, and what makes them happy.
~Someone who can admit they get clingy or overprotective is a bonus.
~A partner with good communication is key, if something wrong we have to be able to talk about it.
~A partner who likes to game with me or at least watch me play would be a plus but not a requirement.
~Someone with a good sense of humor and like to joke around, I am a big goof after all and I love to joke around. Sending memes is always appreciated and good to cheer people up too!
~I'd prefer someone with the same music taste, but not a requirement, Plus if you wouldn't mind if I send you love songs occasionally that's a bonus, or sending me some back haha.
~Being willing to voice call is a must, Texting forever is not the way to go. I have to know what your voice is like haha, later on we can video call if you are comfortable with that. I prefer chatting on Discord because Reddit messages of any kind I'm sure you know are unreliable and sucky in general. So please send me your discord if you have one :)
~I would LOVE to see picture of your pets if you have any. Bonus points if it includes your beautiful self haha.
I'm sure there is more I'm looking for but I cant think of it right now haha, I will have to edit this when I think of it.
Please tell me about you as an opener! I told you a good bit about me, now its your turn haha.
Tell me some things like -
~What's your name?
~Where are you from?
~How old are you?
~What are your hobbies / interests?
~What about my post interested you?
~Where is my TV Remote?!
~Selfie? Pet pics?
~Hit me with your best joke or meme :)
~What's your favorite candy?
I'd LOVE to get to know you, and see where things go.
But yeah, I know it was long I'm sorry haha. Send me a message and lets get to know each other! :)

https://www.reddit.com/sugarlifestyleforum/s/AIkX0trKxX
Not sharing this for any specific reason, just a funny story that I have no one to share with
Tl;dr met with a POT we had amazing personal chemistry, but horrible sexual chemistry. Ended up with a friend rather than a SB
Story time: I posted about this POT a week ago, saying that its very annoying how after we moved to whatsapp she became fully unresponsive. A few days later she texts me that her phone wasn’t working which is why she wasn’t replying. I initially called BS but rolled with it anyway because she had become responsive so it was fine. We try to setup a date but it didn’t work out initially
A few days later I went on a solo wellness retreat in a resort an hour outside the city, spent the first night alone, then out of boredom decided to ask her if she’d join, fully expecting her to say no. Surprisingly she was totally game (later I kept joking about how she has zero regards for her own safety and she admitted that in retrospect it was dumb of her to do that)
I book her a separate room and send her uber money to come, then pick her up off the closest spot since its a private compound and ubers have no access. Right off the bat we hit it off amazingly and were really enjoying each other’s company. We check her in, she goes to her room to freshen up and get ready while I go lounge by the pool for a bit. She texts me “sorry its taking me long, just getting ready for you” accompanied by one of the sexiest spicy pics Ive ever received which got me really excited. We lounge by the pool, have dinner and hang out for a bit, and the conversation is flowing amazingly.
Then we head to my room, we start playing around for a bit nothing too serious, then she says shes kinda sleepy so she’ll rest a bit so we can have fun later. So we turn on a movie and just cuddle and she falls asleep.
A bit of backstory, we’re in a conservative middle eastern country where pre martial sex is kinda prohibited in resorts. A lot of places turn a blind eye, and I got the vibe from this place that they were chill, but boy was I wrong. 10 mins after she falls asleep someone bangs on the door, asking me to accompany them to the lobby. They say the cameras saw her stepping into my room 50 minutes ago and someone heard us fooling around, and we have to check out rn or theyll get the cops involved ( the legal side of this is a bit hazy, but I didnt want to cause a scene). Mind you, its 10 pm and were an hour outside the city in the middle of nowhere. I try to rationalize with the manager for a bit including hinting at money but he wasnt having it and he said we have to check out right now and that we’re both blacklisted from coming back (shame, I really liked the place before they turned out to be cockblocks)
Anyway we leave, try to find a last minute airbnb, drive for an hour till its ready, we have to enter separately (again conservative state) so a lot of drama was involved. We finally get to the room and we can’t wait any longer, we start going at each other instantly. Midway through I realize.. this is not doing anything.. for either of us. We tried different things, different positions, everything, the sex was just not sexing.. We rest a bit try again but by then we had already lost it and neither of us was really into it. We cuddle and sleep (the cuddling was great tbh but not really looking for a cuddle buddy). We wake up the next day, head to the shower, try to get it on a bit, again nothing. So we finally talk about it (I tried to get her to talk about it the previous night but she didnt want to), I end up giving her oral for a bit (I told her that Ive been told I give good head, but she said she didnt enjoy, the next day she asked me to). She seemed to enjoy it, or fake it, not entirely sure. Then we hang out for a bit then I drive her home, we stop for coffee on the way and again the conversation is amazing like constant laughing and relating to each other etc
We had agreed on PPM as a concept but she was too shy to name a number, so on my drive back home she says that even though the night was rocky she would still appreciate if I could help her out. I reply I was definitely gonna send her and asked again if she had a number in mind. She says no and I go with a mid range number to which she says is more than enough and shes really pleased with. We agreed that we would like to see each other again but definitely outside the bedroom. So no go on the SR but at least i made a friend

Gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, Gratitude to Master Jun Hong Lu.
Respected fellow Buddhists, do you know what's worse than death? Have you ever escaped death? Today, I have a firsthand experience of escaping death to share with you.
Have you heard of a disease called myasthenia gravis (MG)? I believe many people have not. As only about 30,000 people worldwide suffer from this disease (Note: This figure may vary as there are differing estimates, with the United States alone having approximately 36,000 to 60,000 cases), where the nerves cannot control the muscles. For example, if the affected area is the hand, it can feel pain, heat, cold, and pressure. But no matter how much you command your hand to move, it won't budge. I am one of those 30,000 people. The affected areas include the cheeks, mouth, left arm, and the chest muscles responsible for breathing. In other words, during an episode of the disease, I cannot breathe. Can you now imagine how close I was to death?
Back to my story. In mid-September 2012, my lungs were infected with bacteria, and I fell seriously ill. On the night of September 29th, my breathing became increasingly difficult, and my family rushed me to the hospital for emergency treatment. The next night, my condition deteriorated to the point of MG, and my breathing became so weak that it was almost cut off. The doctors once again performed emergency procedures for me, eventually placing me on life support system (LSS) and transferring me to the intensive care unit (ICU). The so-called LSS involved many instruments strapped to my body and several tubes inserted into my body. Although the areas where the tubes were inserted were very painful, I dared not move for fear that any loosening of the instruments might endanger my life. So, at that moment, I didn't dare to move at all.
One night, a nurse attempted to draw blood for examination, but the needle just couldn't find the right artery. She would try once, then pull out the needle, try again, and repeat this process several times. I was in excruciating pain, but because my body was encased in instruments, I couldn't move. Finally, I couldn't help but ask myself in my heart, what did I do wrong? Why must I endure all this? I've never harmed anyone, never wronged anyone, so why me?
At that time, I didn't understand Buddhism, nor did I know anything about making vows. But the pain drove me, someone who barely recognized a few Chinese characters despite being educated in English, to silently call out the name of Guan Yin Bodhisattva in my heart, begging her to save me from this sea of suffering. A few days later, my condition improved. The doctors removed my LSS, and I was transferred from the ICU to a regular ward. I thought I would soon be discharged and return to my previous life, believing that everything was almost over. I felt very happy!
Looking back now, I realize how ignorant and selfish I was at that time, even as I began to recover. I was only thinking about my own survival and never cared about other people who were suffering like me. Perhaps it was because of this that I received a retribution. On the same evening that I was transferred to the regular ward, I suddenly had difficulty breathing again, couldn't make any sound, and my whole body was immobilized. I could only use my eyes and hands to draw attention, making small gestures with my hand to communicate.
A nurse noticed and called a doctor from the floor. Surprisingly, after glancing at the readings on the instruments, the doctor told the nurse that my heartbeat and breathing were normal, and then left. Once again, I tried my best to attract the attention of those around me. Thanks to the blessings of the Bodhisattva, another doctor passing by noticed me and observed that something was not right with my condition. He/She called back the previous doctor and urged him to conduct a detailed examination. While they were debating whether I was normal or not, I was almost breathless, mentally giving up on life.
The readings on the instruments once again sounded the alarm. Luckily, with both doctors nearby, they were able to save me at the fastest speed possible. The next day, I woke up in the familiar ICU, with the life support system back on me. Through this rollercoaster of emotions, I finally understood that the suffering I endured stemmed from the ignorance and folly accumulated since my birth, perhaps not just in this lifetime, but through countless past lives. Now, I must face the consequences.
I once again prayed to Guan Yin Bodhisattva and made a vow to her: "Guan Yin Bodhisattva, I believe that every soul, before they pass away, experiences a lot of suffering, and their pain is surely no less than what I am enduring now. I implore Guan Yin Bodhisattva to save me from all this suffering. I am willing to be a vegetarian for the rest of my life."
Whether you believe it or not is up to you. Two days after making this vow to Guan Yin Bodhisattva to be a lifelong vegetarian, my lung infection showed significant improvement, and I was subsequently transferred to a regular ward. Perhaps it was destined. Not only did I start to follow a vegetarian diet, but my parents also understood at the same time that my illness was beyond the control of doctors and only the Bodhisattva could save me. At that time, our entire family had just begun to explore Buddhism.
Every day, my mother devoutly chanted the name of Guan Yin Bodhisattva, while my father recited the Heart Sutra for me diligently.
However, our ordeal was not yet over. One night, I once again experienced difficulty breathing and had to be placed on the LSS for the third time.
I saw my parents kneeling down, praying to the deities and Bodhisattvas to bless me with a safe recovery. They had knelt before doctors before, but this time, seeing them kneel again went beyond what I could bear. I didn't want my parents to kneel for me. Witnessing them kneel deeply wounded me. As a 19-year-old young man, I should be taking care of my parents, yet why were my parents, who were over 50 years old, kneeling for me?
Three times being placed on LSS and admitted to the ICU, followed by three instances of improvement, resulted in my transfer to a regular ward. It was three months later, after my extended hospital stay, that I finally got discharged and returned home. I am deeply grateful for the blessings of the Bodhisattva. Instead of weakening our faith in Buddhism, this series of challenges only deepened our belief in the principles of karma and karmic obstacles as explanations for my condition. After leaving the hospital, my family and I continued to immerse ourselves in the teachings of Buddhism. Grateful for the blessings of the Bodhisattva!
One day, my family and I went to a vegetarian restaurant near our home and discovered Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door. Excitedly, I immediately went online when I returned home and downloaded several Buddhist scriptures in English phonetics from the Guan Yin Citta website to start reciting. Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door truly works wonders. That very night after reciting the Buddhist scriptures, I dreamt that while reciting the Great Compassion Mantra on the balcony at home, the image of Guan Yin Bodhisattva appeared in the clouds.
However, the next day after waking up, I felt a headache and drowsiness when reciting scriptures. My family and I took the liberty of contacting the Guan Yin Citta fellowship in Kuala Lumpur. The Buddhist practitioner who answered the call instructed us to come to the fellowship to recite scriptures. One day, while reciting scriptures at the fellowship, I experienced severe headaches. At that time, everyone was busy preparing for a Dharma conference, and the venue was crowded. I am grateful to the practitioner who cleared some space for me to lie down and gathered many fellow practitioners present to recite scriptures for me.
Later, the practitioner explained that my headaches were messages from the karmic creditors and taught me about releasing lives, making vows, and the importance of Little Houses for eliminating karmic obstacles. I immediately arranged to release thousands of fish. Today, my family still insists on releasing lives for me on the first and fifteenth day of every lunar month.
Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door is truly a miraculous practice. Ever since I began reciting Little Houses under the guidance of the fellow practitioner, I have experienced continuous dreams. On the first night, I dreamt of a seven-story-tall Buddha statue with many people practicing beneath it. Just two weeks later, after memorizing the Great Compassion Mantra, I dreamt of the Dharmakaya of Bodhisattva and two Dharma protectors driving me around in a car. Even more wonderfully, two months later, after memorizing the Eighty-Eight Buddhas Great Repentance, I dreamt of myself having tea with Master Lu.
Most importantly, after continuing to release lives, make vows, and recite Little Houses, my illness has not recurred.
Having now healed from this unusual illness, I'm here to share my story with you. These dreams signify an enhancement in the quality of life. I deeply appreciate the blessings of the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, which have reinforced my resolve to earnestly follow the path of Buddhism and instilled me with confidence. I am dedicated to diligently progressing in the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door and remain steadfast in my commitment.
Currently, I am studying in Singapore, and whenever I have the opportunity, I propagate the Dharma and benefit sentient beings. Whenever I return to Malaysia, I often volunteer at the fellowship center.
Additionally, I would like to mention two more things. Firstly, on the second night after making my vow to be a vegetarian, I saw a child's spirit clearly flying beside me in the hospital and heard it laughing. Shortly after, I dreamt of a man killing a woman and cutting open her chest. In the dream, I felt that the pain of the woman being cut open was exactly the same as the pain I felt during my surgery.
While many still question the reality of karma and karmic obstacles, doubting Master Lu's teachings, I have personally experienced their effects. Thus, I hope my story can encourage you to embark on the practice of Buddhism and the recitation of Buddhist scriptures, starting today. I wish to prevent anyone from following my path, waiting until karmic obstacles manifest and adversity strikes before beginning their spiritual journey. I am deeply thankful for all those who stood by me during that challenging time, particularly my family and friends, who supported me through my darkest moments. My heartfelt gratitude also goes to the fellow practitioners at the Guan Yin Citta fellowship in Kuala Lumpur, who patiently guided me into the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door.
Deep gratitude to our Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Master Jun Hong Lu for establishing the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door, guiding us on a path away from suffering towards happiness. Lastly, and most importantly, deep gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, who saves those in distress and hardship. With Her Buddha light blessing each one of us, She guides us back to the right path of learning Buddhism and constantly watches over us, blessing us at all times and in all places. Gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva!
Buddhist practitioner: GWT
Speech to text translator: Guan Jing
Proofreaders: Miao and Dong Ri Yang Guang
Date: 2024-05-11
Translator: Frank
Published: 2024-05-14
Statement by translator
The story was translated from video into text, and then translated from Chinese into English. If there is anything that is not rational or in line with the true meaning of the presenter, I pray for forgiveness from the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Dharma protectors and Master Jun Hong Lu.
Propagation
It would be greatly appreciated if you would forward this presentation to all sentient beings you know, sick or healthy. You will accumulate immeasurable merits and virtues. Saving a life is more meritorious than building a seven-floor pagoda!
Would you like to change your destiny?
We will show you how to do the Five Golden Buddhist Practices of Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door: (1) making vows, (2) reciting Buddhist scriptures (sutras and mantras), (3) performing life liberation, (4) reading Buddhism in Plain Terms, and (5) repenting. You will personally witness how you and your family can achieve physical and mental stability, relief from illness and grievances, wisdom growth, academic progress, career advancement, and family happiness through Dharma. It’s free of charge.
Contact
Buddhist practitioner: Lily
Email: [sunnypurplelily@gmail.com](mailto:sunnypurplelily@gmail.com)
WeChat: HanJing20210820
原文如下：
下面让我们有请来自马来西亚的郭同修与我们分享：郭同修身患绝症，重症肌无力，饱受病痛折磨几次病危。然而心灵法门使他摆脱病魔，重获新生。让我们掌声欢迎!
感恩大慈大悲观世音菩萨，感恩卢军宏师父。
尊敬的各位佛友，你是否知道什么事情比死更糟糕？你是否曾经死里逃生？今天我便有一个亲身经历死里逃生的故事要告诉你。
你是否听过一种称为重症肌无力的疾病？相信很多人都不曾听过。因为全世界只有约三万人患上这种病，患者的神经控制不到肌肉。举例说，如果患病部位是手臂，这个手就能感觉到痛热冷及压力。但无论如何你怎么叫你那个手动，它都不会动。我就是三万人之一。而受影响的部位包括脸颊，嘴巴，左手臂以及负责呼吸的胸肌。也就是说，当病程发作的时候，我是无法呼吸的。你现在估计到我多接近死亡了吧？
回到我的故事。2012年9月中旬，我肺部被细菌感染，久病不起。在9月29日当晚，我的呼吸也到了越来越困难，家人赶紧送进医院急救。第二天夜里，病情终于恶化到重症肌无力，我的呼吸微弱到快要断气了。医生再次替我急救，最后替我戴上了维生系统，并送进加护病房。所谓维生系统，就是很多仪器套在身上，很多管子插进身体里。虽然被插管子的部位很痛，但万一随便一个仪器松脱了，可能我的生命就会有危机。所以，我当时连动都不敢动。
有一夜，护士替我抽血检查，但是针管却一直插不进正确的动脉。她们这里插一下不行，拔出针管，在那里又插一下，一次又一次。我那时痛得死去活来，却因为全身套满了仪器而不能动。我终于忍不住在心里问自己，我做错了什么？为何必须承受这一切？我不曾伤害任何人，也不曾亏待任何人，为什么是我？
那时还不懂佛法，也不懂什么许愿。但痛苦使得我这个受英文教育认不到几个中文字的人也会在心里喊出观世音菩萨的佛号，祈求她救我出苦海。几天后，我的情况有好转。医生移除了我的维生系统，从加护病房推进了普通病房。我想自己很快可以出院，回到之前的生活，一切几乎结束了。我觉得很开心！
现在回想起来，我才发觉自己当时是多么的愚昧，才开始康复仍然如此的自私。只想着自己生存，不曾关心其他和我一样受苦的人。可能因为这样我受到了教训。就在我被转进普通病房的同一天晚上，我突然呼吸困难，发不出声音，全身又不能动，只能用眼神和手，以我的手用一点小动作来引起别人的注意。
一个护士发现到把楼层的医生叫来。想不到医生竟然看看仪器读数后跟护士说我的心跳和呼吸都正常，然后就离开了。我再一次用最尽力的引起身旁的人注意。感谢菩萨保佑。这时有另外一位医生经过，看到我，察觉到我的神态不正常，并把之前的医生叫回来，求他详细检查。就在他们两个还在争论我究竟是正常或不正常，一旁我已经几乎断气了，心里放弃活命了。
仪器读数也再一次变成警报状态。幸好两个医生在身旁，能以最快的速度把我救了。第二天，我在熟悉的加护病房里醒来，身上又套上了维生系统。经过这一次乐极生悲，我终于明白到我受的苦是源于我出生以来愚昧无知的罪，或许不止只有这一世，而是过去无数世累积下来的因果。如今要面对果报了。
我再次向观世音菩萨祈求，而且向她发愿说：“观世音菩萨，我相信每个灵魂，他们死之前都会受到很多苦，它们的痛苦肯定不比我现在所受的少。请求观世音菩萨救我脱离这一切痛苦。我愿意为此一生吃素。
相不相信由你。向观世音菩萨发愿终身吃素后两天我肺部感染有了明显的好转，之后被转进普通病房。或许是因缘到了。不但我自己开始吃素，我父母也同时明白到我的疾病已不在医生的控制范围，只有菩萨才能救到我。当时我们全家人才刚接触佛法。
妈妈每天勤念观音菩萨的佛号。爸爸找来一本《心经》每天为我念诵。
但是，我们的考验还没过去。某天晚上我再次感到呼吸困难，第三次戴上了维生系统。
我看到父母下跪求神佛菩萨保佑我平安度过。他们之前已经跪过医生了，这一次再下跪，已经超出我能承受的限度。我不要父母为我下跪。看到他们下跪，深深地刺伤了我。我这一个19岁的男孩应该照顾父母，反而为什么要让他们超过50岁的父母为我而下跪？
三次戴上了维生系统住进加护病房又三次的好转，被转进普通病房。我在医院里住了三个月后，才终于出院回家。感恩菩萨保佑。这三好三坏的过程，不但没有减少我和家人对佛法的信心，反而相信只有因果和业障才能解释我的状况。出院后，我和家人还继续研究什么是佛法。感恩菩萨加持！
某一天，我和家人到住家附近的一间素食馆，认识到心灵法门。于是，我回家就急不及待的上网，上心灵法门的网站下载了几篇佛经的英文拼音版开始念诵。心灵法门真的很灵验。我当夜念诵了经文后，便梦见在家中的阳台念诵《大悲咒》时，在梦里天上的云朵化出观世音菩萨的形象。
然而，第二天醒来后我念经便感到头痛及爱睡。我和家人冒昧地拨电话联络吉隆坡心灵法门共修会。接电话的师姐便叫我们到共修会里念经。一天我在共修会里念经时，头痛剧烈。当时大家正在忙着筹备法会，会所堆得很拥挤。很感恩师姐搬开东西，腾出空间让我躺下，还召集了在场的许多师兄师姐们一起为我念诵经文。
后来，师姐解释我的头痛是要经者的讯息，还教会我放生、许愿及小房子并告诉我消除业障的急迫性。我当时便即刻安排放生数千条鱼。如今家人依然坚持每逢初一十五为我放生。
心灵法门真的是很灵验的法门，自从我在师姐的教导下，开始以正确的方式念小房子之后，便不断有梦境显现。第一晚便梦见一座七层楼高的佛像，底下有很多人在共修。心灵法门真的很灵验的法门，两个星期后我背熟了《大悲咒》时，便梦到菩萨的法身，还有两护法神用车子载我兜圈。更美妙的是，两个月后，当我背起了《礼佛大忏悔文》，竟然梦见自己和师父一起喝茶。
最重要的是我继续的放生许愿及念小房子之后，我的病情不曾复发。
现在已经从这奇怪的疾病中痊愈，活下来告诉你们这一个故事。这一切的梦境显示生活素质提升。我都感恩大慈大悲的观世音菩萨的加持，坚定了我学佛精进，很有信心，并立志在心灵法门一门精进永不退转。
我如今在新加坡求学，只要有机会就弘法利生，一回到马来西亚更是经常到共修会工去做义工。
另外，我要补充两件事，第一件事在我发愿吃素后的第二晚，我便在医院看见一小孩子的灵性清楚地在我旁边飞过，还发出了笑声。不久后我又梦见了一个男人杀了一个女人，还把她的胸口割开。而我在梦里感觉，那女人的被割开胸口的痛苦竟然跟我动手术时的痛苦一模一样。很多人还在质疑因果和业障的存在，怀疑卢台长的教导，但是我亲身体验过了。因此，我希望自己的故事能启发你学佛，学习佛法，今天就开始念诵经文。因为我不希望有人跟我一样，等到业障显现坏事发生之后才开始修行。深深感恩所有在我那段时间陪伴过我的人，尤其是我家人和朋友，在我最艰难的时刻，可以为我支持的人。深深感恩吉隆坡心灵法门共修会的师兄师姐们。他们耐心引导我进入心灵法门。
深深感恩我们大慈大悲的卢军宏台长创办了心灵法门，指引我们一条离苦得乐的道路。最后也是最重要的，深深感恩南无大慈大悲救苦救难广大灵感观世音菩萨，以她的佛光加持了我们每一个人，指引我们回到正确的学佛之道，随时随地都在庇佑着我们。感恩南无大慈大悲救苦救难广大灵感观世音菩萨！
如果整理过程中有不如理不如法之处，还请观世音菩萨护法神菩萨慈悲原谅！
观净师兄语音转文字，妙师兄和东日阳光师兄校对。
2024-05-11
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Disclaimer of Liability:
The contents of the presentation and answers, including text, images, and other information obtained from Dharma practitioners, are provided strictly for reference purposes. Due to the unique nature of individual karma, results similar to those experienced by the authors may not be replicated. The experiences and advice shared should not be construed as medical advice or a diagnosis.
In the event of an emergency, it is crucial to promptly contact your doctor or emergency services by dialing 911. Relying on any information found in the answers is done solely at your own risk. The translator and answerer bear no responsibility for the consequences. By using or misusing the contents, you accept liability for any personal injury, including death. It is imperative to exercise caution and seek professional medical guidance for health-related concerns.

Salones Are the perfect organisms standing a solid Three feet bigger than their next next comparable Species. With razor-sharp claws that can cut through the strongest medals with ease. In reaction times so quick they leave others in the dust.
This specific one was sent on an assassination mission to kill the Ambassador to a meeting of meeting of the leaders of the galaxy.
He torn his way through the roof of the transit truck. an especially large one, caring, probably dozens of lesser species. Scraping his way through the roof and couldn't wait to tear into the lesser species.
Only to hear words that will be stuck with him for the remainder of his life, which was very short.
"That's A Huge fucking rat"
Looking up rapidly he saw four gigantic beings standing easily three feet taller than even himself.
One of them grabbed A metal seat bolted to the floor using the strongest aluminum there is.
He wripped it out and threw it at him. Thinking as quickly as he could, he jumped out the way only for a Buton to hit him in the side of the.
Bone teeth and flesh tore away from the side of these four giants proceed to squish the giant rat flat
The video abruptly stops
And this class is why you don't fuck with humans.while being laughably slow take several minutes to do geometry, not even inside their own head.
They are by far the most physically stronger race there is. Barely having enough intelligence to get off their shit hole of a plant that we did not expect much I'm the new of species.
Until their physical attributes came into play coming from more the highest density planets, that can support life close enough. And the goldy locks zone to have enough energy To host gigantic creatures, the entire planet is home to giganticism of every form.
The standard Humans stands around 5'10. The galactic average is 1'4.
Having extremely dense muscles that require an absurd amount of energy, humans are somehow always hungry.
Everything about a human is gear towards physical strength. Do keep in mind this when you're next to a human. As to not accidentally hurt yourself around one, and the reason Im going over this species, specifically in history class.
Their involvement in the Salones war Is not able to be put into words how vital they were towards victory. The Salones come from the most vicious death world in the Galaxy. They are the perfected Organisms to survive on just about any planet. Normally, being able to tear apart any other species with their bare limbs.
Until humans came along all that perfection organism crap went out the window when you're getting hit in the face by something that could fold aluminum in half and laugh about it.
There are a variety of materials on their home world to to the high gravty. That others rarely available to them to use. Aluminum is nowhere near the strongest material on their planet. In fact, their skeletal structure incorporates metal that how abundantmetal is on ther home planet.
This also means that conventional weaponry was not an option for them instead of using the regular air pressure system that's commonly used today.
They invented a chemical system which releases at such high speeds. It's close to the sound barrier. Even then, that's not a guaranteed kill.
Pausing a moment, seeing the class was not paying much attention aside from the jocks.
How about I play your video just demonstrating how strong they are
booting up a video on the class projector, she proceeded to show a video of a young human. Probably five running in front of a fire range by accident.
Weaponry that shot compressed air with plastic spheres going at great speeds went down ranged and hit the cash straight in the head.
Many of the classes yelled, not wanting to see a young child die.
They are very quickly science.Doing the young child cried for its mother and she came barnching off the child saying that's what he gets for not listening to her.
The child was picked off the floor, barely even bleeding.
The class professor then showed the airsoft matche, demonstrating what they consider. Deadly weapon was nothing more than amoree mature toy for them.
Should I make more is this good?

Pics below 👇
I wrote a massive post explaining my history of drug addiction and why I'm now on TRT. I explained why I think these factors might be contributing to gyno, but Reddit bugged out and deleted it. So frustrating, but shit happens. I just wrote the most important parts below, because cba to write it all again.
Really hope someone could give me their opinion on this. I'm 29 and I've been on TRT for 8 months, my E2 became elavated for a while when my doctor introduced HCG. I tried many different protocols in an attempt to lower e2 without taking an AI. I went as low as 90mg T, but I still had awful e2 side effects, mainly debilitating anxiety. Eventualy I tried a tiny dose of an AI and the anxiety disappeared.
also worth mentioning, my prolactin has been fluctuating for years as I used to be addicted to opiates, alcohol, and benzos. Ive been clean off these drugs for almost 3yrs now, although I'm still tapering off kratom. Sadly my prolactin can still be high due to the kratom, and is either within the normal range or occasionally as high as 800. Until recently my weekly protocol was the following:
3x injections of 67mg testosterone cypionate (200mg total)
3x injections of HCG (1500iu total)
1x small dose of aromacin (3mg)
I've decided to lower my testosterone to 150mg as I think it's unnecessarily high, and is probably causing my e2 to rise again. I've always had big beef burger nipples, but they've definitely gotten more puffy looking since starting TRT. Do you think I'm slowly developing gyno because my TRT dose is too high, or am I panicking over nothing?
Really appreciate any advice or opinions on this. I’ll be honest it’s stressing me out, I can't stop thinking about it.
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Before u read, this will be bunch of informations that are barely connected, it's poorly written, I'm not claiming to have done nothing wrong I just need someone to share my situation with and maybe seek some advice.
Me (F20) have been dating my bf (M19) for almost two years. For background : we went to same school and I used to be his long-term hallway crush, but he seemed shy so I made a first move. In the beginning, like every relationship goes, I could brag about how perfectly he's treating me if anyone asked, and, having sh1tty situations in payt with ex and situationship I was over the moon to have someone treat me so gentle.
Before we started dating, he knew I have an ex of over two years, he knew I had two boys being my very dear friends and I told him, as he has no lady friends, that if he expects me to remove one guy especially it wont work and he agreed that he won't be expecting of me to cut off my friends for him with no hesitation. Guy friend in question is kinda boy who sees to opposite gender besties and if someone says they'd be cute couple he'd act as if it's actual inc3st and we never saw each other any other way then friends. At the prom, same guy friend cried for two hours because he thought I didn't have good time because my crush kissed another girl, but honestly I had the great time when i saw how much he cared for me.
My byofriend also, before dating me, without me asking or saying anything said "I'll remove all woman from my life when I have u" aka girls from school that are people he doesn't talk to enough to call them friends but there is some contact between them. I was confused because I didn't plan on asking him to as I have guy friends but i felt respected.
It all ended up the exact opposite, I did remove my friend who i still miss to this day because my boyfriend was overly jealous. On his side : girls from school started to pick up on him and when he told me about it, I sensed bullying and told him to block them because they're being pretty annoying and he, kidd u not, asked "do i have to?" so brought up him saying he'd remove anyone for me and he did after days of arguing and me crying because it's the opposite of our agreement before dating. It wasn't even jealousy on my side and he didn't want to block them because he thought they'd ask why and he'd be uncomfortable but... He made a promise that he didn't keep.
Year later he broke up with me partly because i wasn't "pure"/ I have an ex and partly because of how bad my mood swings were (I had 3 doctors diagnosing me with severe depression and was almost hospitalized at the time I was "moody" ).
That breakup had me getting even worse because he was the guy to say "I'm so scared you'll leave me" "if you stay I stay" "i hope we're forever" I didn't know forever meant one year but the breakup was only 2 weeks long, had me suffering for over a month before he actually broke up because he took it very very slow. I slept 15 minutes a day and i wish i was being metaphoric, waiting for him to decide weather he'll stay or not. I did everything I could, my ocd gets worse in stressful situations and my brain telling me "if you do this, that will happen, if you don't, that will happen" all day every day, but I obviously did everything it told me to do to keep him and he still left and ruined us for 2 weeks of separation.
Note : If someone tells you they have something going on and they can't change it, don't come in their life trying to force a change, weather it's friendship you might not like or mental disorder out of their control, please.
After we got back together : - I told him i spent time home in group chat with two of my girls and some of their friends and random boy we found where we played "guess what I drew" because i couldn't leave bed and couldn't sleep, he got jealous at that random boy and made me feel bad for doing something while not being in a relationship. (I didn't flirt, we didn't talk in private chat, we just played and he was also aroace.)
While we were on breakup I also reached out to my guy friend and he is doing amazing, enjoying life and was happy I contacted him but my boyfriend made me cut him off, again. Tho, his sister best friend (girl) is buying him gifts, sleeping over at their place in room him and his sister are sharing but why would I be jealous? In fact, I'm not, I like that girl more then I like his family.
Anyway, it was last summer, when he asked me to be his girlfriend again I told him that I'll need time to heal, prepared him for the fact that I will bring up stuff he did before we broke up because I'm still hurt, and he'll need to be extra patient and gentle and he agreed, but instead, every time I talked about pain breakup caused because I wasn't over it, he'd yell at me so i tried to bottle it all up.
In past few months, everything I tell him will hurt me he'll find a way to do it, even if it's something he didn't have in mind, if i told him fictionally it'll hurt me so he knows, he'll do it, and when I confront him about it he'd focus on my reaction saying "are u being fr?" (Like I didn't warn him.) or "stop making me angrier I'm stressed" ( Like I'm not, also, stressed.)
Every time he does something i asked him not to, if I had a reaction it would turn into hours long fight and after making me a bad guy for reacting, he'd play a victim saying I misunderstood, it's all in my head ect. Well i started to tell my friend about our fights or I'd ask AI making "story" to see situation from someone else's perspective because I was tired of being told it's all in my head and it's on daily basis.
He recently started to pick up on my traits of ocd or autism that I also have diagnosed and told him about before he asked me out.
This was my overreaction, I agree, but I'm aware and I didn't ask to be this way; He gave me his hoodie so I'll sit in bus ( it was so dirty and I'd rather be standing, but he wanted me to sit with him and offered a hoodie which was nice. ) when we got to my place laundry dryer fell and put his hoodie on my, just day before, washed rug so i can have free hands to pick up the laundry, he picked hoodie up, angry that i left it on a floor for hot minute, immediately and put it on my bed where I sleep. I threw it right away and started crying because I'm extremely germophobic and had flashbacks from how dirty the bus was, he wanted to go home because i was acting too crazy and I know it's too much of a reaction on my side but I'd rather be like that then like people with no basic hygiene. He started asking "are you going to be this way forever?" And pressuring me to answer, then he told me I'm the only person in whole world behaving like this, like I don't know it's too much, I know it, my ocd is taking over my time and my life, my rituals are anxiously long, my fear of being dirty makes me unable to function through out the day, I have it hard already without someone putting a pressure on it, my doctor refused to treat me even tho I told him it takes at least 2 hours after I go to bed to re-do all my rituals so I can sleep without feer and I still end up waking up few times in one night, I know it's not normal bruh that's why it's a disorder lol, I never claimed it was normal but how can I just get it out of my body, I feel like crazy disgusting creature with zero rights to live because of what he says every time I have a" moment ".
He also doesn't fail to make me feel guilty for not paying attention to my tone when speaking or my facial expressions or my sensory sensitivity like it's all my fault, asking when will I stop being like this and that it's just me being like this, that no one else is this hard to deal with.
I love him and he's making me hate my existence, my flaws, things I can't change about myself, what am I supposed to do about it? Therapy in this country isn't much of help. I feel so guilty oftenly for being the way I am and I didn't even list half of the things.
He also makes me feel guilty for him giving me his time, when we have plans for a day but we spend that day with him always being in rush to go back home and him complaining how he didn't have to do A B and C because he "had to see me" like he doesn't even want to see me. (Same boy who said, over year ago " I can't stand seeing you only four hours a day I wish to be around you all the time".
We're fighting every day and every day it's something I asked him not to do but he still did and it always ends up with me being just too angry all the time and him doing nothing wrong.
He doesn't communicate well, he's messages contains 2-3 words and when I understand what he wrote instead of what he "meant" it's my fault. I warned him more then year ago that if I keep trying to explain in 5 different ways my point of view while he doesn't even explains his with valid sentence I'll give up on talking.
He's "explanation" goes like this : If i ask for two plus two he'll say the fishes brethe air - not only is the explanation wrong in general but it never has anything to do with my question. Like dudes that cheat and excause is that his grandma died, you get it?
Now, I'm so tired that when I try to tell him what's wrong, when he starts to be self defensive I block him because I can't take it anymore, I now can't communicate because I know how it'll end up anyway and it lost it's meaning. I'm turning out toxic but I'm tired, my soul is tired while his soul is rotting.
It hurts watching my sweet boy turning into such an ignorant and pathetic person. I started to think he has npd.
It seems like only solution is for me to stop reacting and to bottle everything up, but that's not relationship I want. I don't want to pretend I'm fine when I'm not, I don't want to keep masking around my own partner just for the sake of his ego because that guy can't stand being told he did something wrong and it takes hours of justifying, self-defense and victim role for him to actually say sorry without even understanding why he should be apologizing for.
TLDR : I (20f) am dating my bf (19m) who's only ever focused on my reaction when he's mistreating me then the reason why I reacted.