Tarot Reader since 2017 who has fully mastered in depth readings to bring true insight to the energies and circumstances you are dealing with, with the use of Oracle and Astrology as well. Shaneka's Services And Contact Linktree
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For some background - my husband and I have been together since junior year of high school. We are now 37 - have been married almost 14 years, two kids ages 7 and 9.
His relationship with his mom has always been strained. The first time I met her when I was 17 she looked at me then back to my hubby and said “well i hope you use a condom”. When we got engaged she told him “theres so many fish in the sea”. So obviously her distaste for me has been since day one.
Ive expressed so many times over the last 20 years how I dont want to be in the middle of their discord and finally in 2022 asked her to please not call me or text me and to communicate only with her son as I need to protect my mental health and can not put up with constantly being blamed for my husband wanting no relationship and not allowing her around the kids.
My husband has also not spoken to her or responded to any calls or texts from her since around this time. So naturally in her head this is all my fault.
On Mother’s Day she called my cell. I did not answer. She starts off her message purposely calling me by the wrong name and then saying “whatever u wanna be called”. She then moved on to say its so difficult to talk to me bc Im always so mean. Its horrible and unhealthy for us to hold onto anger or the past. Everyone thinks its strange we behave this way.
This obviously ruined my day a bit. My husband was like just ignore it, she wants you to react and wants to piss us off so we look crazy. Anyone who knows us knows you arent mean and that shes not right in the head.
I know he is right and that shes just trying to get a reaction and she craves attention even if negative.
Should I just block her phone number at this point to not have to read or listen to her messages - I really dont understand why she cant respect such a simple request to not call or text me and only communicate with her son.

Today illustrated that the Democrats have become America’s cheerleaders, emphasizing how investment in the nation’s infrastructure has created jobs and rebuilt the country. This week, the Biden-Harris administration is touting its investments in rebuilding roads and bridges, making sure Americans have clean water, getting rid of pollution, expanding access to high-speed internet, and building a clean energy economy, contrasting that success with Trump’s eternal announcements of an “Infrastructure Week” that never came.
The White House today announced that it has awarded nearly $454 billion in funding from the Bipartisan Infrastructure Law, including more than 56,000 projects across more than 4,500 communities across the nation. Those include fixing more than 165,000 miles of roads and more than 9,400 bridges and improving more than 450 ports and 300 airport terminals. It has funded more than 1,400 drinking water and wastewater projects and projects to replace up to 1.7 million toxic lead pipes, as well as more than 8,000 low- and zero-emission buses. It has funded 95 previously unfunded Superfund projects to clean up contaminated sites. It has improved the electrical grid and funded 12,000 miles of high-speed internet infrastructure, and exposed internet junk fees.
The White House explained that this investment is making it cheaper to install clean energy technology and lowering families’ monthly energy bills, and highlighted today the available rebates to enable people to take advantage of the new technologies.
On Wednesday, May 8, a report from the Semiconductor Industry Association and the Boston Consulting Group explored the “breathtaking speed,” as the president of the semiconductor organization put it, at which the industry is growing. In the Financial Times on May 9, John Thornhill reported that the CHIPS and Science Act, which provided a $39 billion investment in the semiconductor industry, has “primed a torrent of private sector investment.” With the influx of both federal money and an additional $447 billion of private investment in 83 projects in 25 states, the report forecasts that the U.S. will increase its share of global manufacturing capacity for leading-edge chips from today’s rate of 0% to 28% by 2032. Thornhill compared this investment to that spurred by Russia’s 1957 launch of the Sputnik satellite.
The Economist yesterday announced that the U.S. “is in the midst of an extraordinary startup boom,” and explored “[h]ow the country revived its “go-getting spirit.”
In contrast to the Democrats’ confidence in America, the Republicans are all-in on the idea that the country is an apocalyptic wasteland. At a rally in New Jersey Saturday, Trump announced: “On day one we will throw out Bidenomics and reinstate MAGAnomics.” He promised to extend his 2017 tax cuts for the wealthy and corporations.
But the gist of his speech was an angry, vitriolic picture of a failing nation full of “enemies” that are “more dangerous” than China and Russia and who are “going to destroy our country.” In his telling, the criminal case against him in Manhattan is “bullsh*t,” and President Biden has done more damage than the “ten worst presidents in the history of our country” combined: “[h]e’s a fool; he’s not a smart man…[h]e’s a bad guy…the worst president ever, of any country. The whole world is laughing at him.”
Trump lied that other countries are “emptying out their mental institutions into the United States, our beautiful country. And now the prison populations all over the world are down. They don’t want to report that the mental-institution population is down because they’re taking people from insane asylums and from mental institutions.” Then he riffed into “the late great Hannibal Lecter,” the fictional murderer and cannibal in the film The Silence of the Lambs, apparently to suggest that similar individuals are migrating to the U.S.
House Republicans this week are working to pass a nonbinding resolution to condemn Biden’s immigration policies, although it was Republicans, under orders from Trump, who killed a strong bipartisan immigration bill earlier this year.
The only way to turn back this apocalypse, Trump and his supporters insist, is to put Trump and his team back into the White House. From there, Republicans will return those they consider “real” Americans to power.
The last few days have added new information about what that means. On Thursday, May 9, Senators Katie Britt (R-AL), Marco Rubio (R-FL), and Kevin Cramer (R-ND) introduced the More Opportunities for Moms to Succeed (MOMS) act. Britt—who is best known for her disastrous response to Biden’s State of the Union speech from her kitchen—said the measure would provide a federal database of resources for pregnant women and women parenting young children, but that information excludes anything that touches on abortion.
The measure is clear that it enlists the government in opposition to abortion, but more than that, it establishes that the government will create a database of the names and contact information of pregnant women, which the government can then use “to follow up with users on additional resources that would be helpful for the users to review.”
A government database of pregnant women would give the federal government unprecedented control over individuals, and it is especially chilling after the story Caroline Kitchener broke in the Washington Post on May 3, that a Texas man, Collin Davis, filed a petition to stop his ex-partner from traveling to Colorado, where abortion is legal, to obtain an abortion. Should she do so, his lawyer wrote, he would “pursue wrongful-death claims against anyone involved in the killing of his unborn child.” Now Davis wants to be able to depose his former partner along with others he says are “complicit” in the abortion.
Antiabortion activists are also seeking to make mifepristone and misoprostol, drugs used in many abortions, hard to obtain. In Louisiana, state lawmakers are considering classifying the drugs as “controlled dangerous substances,” which would make possessing them carry penalties of up to ten years in prison and fines of up to $75,000.
More than 240 Louisiana doctors wrote to lawmakers saying that the drugs have none of the addictive characteristics associated with dangerous controlled substances and warning that the drugs are crucial for inducing routine labor and preventing catastrophic hemorrhage after delivery, in addition to their use in abortions. “Given its historically poor maternal health outcomes, Louisiana should prioritize safe and evidence-based care for pregnant women,” the doctors wrote.
Louisiana lawmakers also rejected a bill that would have allowed anyone under age 17, the age of consent in Louisiana, to have an abortion if they became pregnant after rape or incest. Passionate testimony from those who suffered such attacks or who treated pregnant girls as young as 8 failed to convince the Republican lawmakers to support the measure. “That baby [in the womb] is innocent.… We have to hang on to that,” said Republican state representative Dodie Horton.
Today, at the Asian Pacific American Institute for Congressional Studies, a nonpartisan, nonprofit organization promoting Asian American and Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander participation and representation at all levels of the political process, Vice President Kamala Harris encouraged young people to innovate and to move into spaces from which they have been traditionally excluded.
“So here’s the thing about breaking barriers,” she said. “Breaking barriers does not mean you start on one side of the barrier and you end up on the other side. There’s breaking involved. And when you break things you get cut. And you may bleed. And it is worth it every time…. We have to know that sometimes people will open the door for you and leave it open. Sometimes they won’t. And then you need to kick that f*cking door down.”
Harris’s advice reflects the history that happened on this date in 1862, when the enslaved mariners on board the shallow-draft C.S.S. Planter gathered up their families, fired up the ship’s boilers, and sailed out of the Charleston, South Carolina, harbor. The three white officers of the ship had gone ashore, leaving enslaved 23-year-old pilot Robert Smalls to take control. Smalls knew how to steer the ship and give the proper signals to the Confederates at Fort Sumter, Fort Moultrie, and three other checkpoints.
Smalls piloted the Planter, the sixteen formerly enslaved people on it, and a head full of intelligence about the Confederate fortifications at Charleston to the U.S. Navy. In Confederate hands, the Planter had surveyed waterways and laid mines; now that information was in U.S. hands. Smalls went on to pilot naval vessels during the war, and in 1864 he bought the house formerly owned by the man who had enslaved him.
A natural leader, Smalls went on to become a businessman, politician, and strong advocate for education. After serving in the 1868 South Carolina Constitutional Convention that made school attendance compulsory and provided for universal male suffrage, he went on to serve in the South Carolina legislature from 1868 to 1874, when he was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives, where he served until 1887. When President Barack Obama signed an executive order establishing the nation’s first national monument concerning Reconstruction, he cited the life of Robert Smalls.
—
Notes:
https://newjerseymonitor.com/2024/05/12/trump-brings-2024-campaign-to-the-jersey-shore/
https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/a60774814/trump-rally-new-jersey-weird-speech/
https://www.britt.senate.gov/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/MOMS-Act_FINAL-Britt_Rubio_Cramer1.pdf
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/may/11/katie-britt-proposes-federal-database-to-collect-data-on-pregnant-people
https://www.washingtonpost.com/investigations/2024/05/03/texas-abortion-investigations/
https://lailluminator.com/2024/05/08/rape-incest/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2024/05/13/abortion-pills-louisiana-controlled-substance/
https://www.economist.com/finance-and-economics/2024/05/12/america-is-in-the-midst-of-an-extraordinary-startup-boom
https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2024/05/13/fact-sheet-biden-harris-administration-kicks-off-infrastructure-week-by-highlighting-historic-results-spurred-by-president-bidens-investing-in-america-agenda/
https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/statements-releases/2024/05/13/fact-sheet-president-bidens-investing-in-america-agenda-is-helping-american-families-across-the-country-save-money/
https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/icymi-the-great-american-innovation-engine-firing-again
https://www.ft.com/content/0d39e8f0-38ba-40aa-8ec8-d04e82afb690
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/08/us/politics/chips-grants-fuel-industry-growth.html
https://www.politico.com/news/2024/05/11/trump-rally-new-jersey-trial-fascists-00157482
https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2017/01/12/presidential-proclamations-establishment-reconstruction-era-national
https://www.nps.gov/people/robert-smalls.htm
Twitter (X):
cspan/status/1790048826440503495
Fritschnestatus/1790051154887340473
rosiewestwood/status/1788291766866567439
CecileRichards/status/1789020452855140723
https://heathercoxrichardson.substack.com/p/may-13-2024

I made a post talking about some of the symbolism of the mic stand, but I deleted it... after I saved it to my phone. I'll also be reuploading a few other things I deleted later today.
++++
New Mic Stand Symbolism
I mentioned something about the new mic stand to a friend, and she asked if she could see it. I showed her one of the pictures and her immediate reaction was to say that it looks Jewish. I asked her why she would say that, and she then pointed out that the top of it looks like a five branch menorah. Now, personally, I think Jewish symbolism is kinda fucking important in the symbolism of the band, so I was fucking intrigued.
I honestly had kind of wondered why the top of the mic stand was designed like that. Maybe I was reading too much into it, but... they didn’t have to give it five points like that. After the whole "eight minutes and twenty seconds" thing, I've learned that wondering isn't a bad idea if something seems noteworthy. I mean, three spikes would’ve worked just as well. Why add that extra pair? Well, in my opinion, this would explain that. It would even explain why the spikes kinda look like flames.
“This menorah represents the five levels of the soul, according to Kabbalistic teaching. They are called (in ascending order) Nefesh, Ruach, Neshama, Chaya and Yechida. This menorah usually sits on the cantor's stand in a synagogue. It is for those in their year of mourning of a deceased loved one.”
That’s worth attention in and of itself, but it’s even more noteworthy to me because, not too long ago, I made a comment on a post in /SleepTokenTheory.
Someone in SleepTokenTheory asked if anyone else felt there was a resemblance between art of David and Goliath and the art for Euclid. This was my answer:
“It's interesting because the Euclid image is someone holding Vessel's decapitated head, so Vessel would, obviously, be the 'unbeatable giant' that gets taken down by someone with unexpected power (David, in the story, only wins against Goliath because he's God's chosen).
Put with the lyrics of needing to be ‘someone new,’ I would assume that the being holding Vessel's head ('David') *is the ‘someone new.’ The Euclid being is symbolic of who he's going to be, after he destroys the larger-than-life persona of Vessel.”*
So, putting that together with the symbolism of the five branch menorah-like top of the new mic stand, I think the design could be inspired from Judaism in such a way that it’s meant to symbolize how this year’s tour is the year of mourning the dead persona of “Vessel.”
Anyway, that’s my opinion no one asked for! (⁠･⁠–⁠･⁠)⁠ ⁠\⁠(⁠･⁠◡⁠･⁠)⁠/
Edit: It has also been pointed out to me that the banners on the mic stand kind of look like a Jewish prayer shawl, or a tallit.
"The Kabbalists considered the tallit as a special garment for the service of God, intended, in connection with the tefillin, to inspire awe and reverence for God at prayer."
So that could have Jewish symbolism as well. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯
+++++
I also made another post saying that the banners kind of look like vestments that a priest would wear during a ritual, and they make the mic stand almost look like a podium at first glance. Like, the kind a member of the clergy would preach from. That one I did delete without saving it.

Yes.. Yess.. Alright there Daddy, I mean Danny. Yeah shut the fuck up.
Verse on Danny: Dear Tank I wrote you a letter. See my daddy wasnt there so now I crave attention. See I would do anything I can to ride your wave for mentions. Even pretended you dissed me just to create dissention. I dug through all you and Pop's songs just to find some ammunition, now im all out of lotion. So my dick burns and my hand is itching. I posted that Pop said some racist shit on Facebook, but changed the title cause I couldnt get your friends to listen. I cant do numbers and I need the advice. I paid my mom for her to advertise me, I need the hype. I hope you see this dog it eases me to sleep at night. Whats it like to actually be dope and have a buzz? I paid Gnat, but I still cant break 20 friends. I wear this crown but my throne is really full of malus. I cant picture me without the drugs.
Verse on John: Dear Tank, I kept tagging you 6 months ago you wouldn't respond. You owe me dog dont leave me here for long. While your out living life and doing things I wish I could, I spend all day on the internet trying to get some looks. I know I said I was straight but yet played victim hook, cause I aint killed nobody. Im not built like that I lived in hoods. Got too much hate up on my diss so I deleted it. I tryna bait me but I miss. So much for clicks and dislikes. I really hate that im a bitch. I cant do shit but diss right? I cant create a single hit. So I take hits from this pipe. Miss shells in the nozzle, got hit with the nasal spay. The Boogeyman of this Bu cocky shit. The only shots are on my face, Im prolly sick, its prolly jizz, I prolly need some molly shit to take this pain away. I just delay it shit. Eyes red, I feel my hood in your hoodie man. Im tryna weather days but im not Boogie Man. Critiqued you for your mental health cause I dont get complexities. Im a simple man with simple bars. I kill a man, Jarrott. it makes sense right? But when you kill a man get jarred hoe. Get sentenced for life. Im just a lonely man with no friends or bodies to show. And if I end it all tomorrow? Shit nobody would know.
Oh we just having fun now.. Let me show yall how to make a diss..
Verse on Gnat: Im waiting, im patient, you baited. You made a grenade on this paper, pull the pen ive been waiting. How you gonna claim wins from your moms basement, you aint got no Ems on your plate list. The crown you been claiming? It aint raining! 5 months Gnat still no reply. John asked about me when his own squad going poltergeist. Dont throw the fight. John started his rap rhyming rap shit 4 times. But you wanna claim im the one whoes lazy? Shit im bored of you poor rhymes. Gnat's masculine hardcore? When he the one clapping back with insults about Star Wars. Outrap me. Come on Gnat roll up. Its Ironic that im Emo. The fuck you killing yourself for? Zareem already murdered you, Stan aint nobody heard of you. Only time you fucks catching bodies in the morgue, you murdered who? Shit the first 48 hours. I know whoes missing. Pop already covered you, exposed you for your googling. Your bars dont connect, dont hide that phone when you spitting no? You need more practice. Unlike LLR this is real life. You claim I run but yet I still fight, outrapped you on your own rhyme scheme, Gnat just got killed twice.
Verse on all 3: Hold up change it up, something yall dont know how to do with that same old boring ass style. Lotta Danny, Got no time for your problems. The shit you spit is nonsense. Begged Ren to do a song with you then he robbed you. How many of us you paying money to gaslight you with fake praise and fake opinions. Gnat calls himself a king? Well thank the lord for me. Got a buzz off my name? now im claiming your royalties. John upset that it took me 1 month, dog it took you 5 months to clap back, you brag about that? 24 hours im back on the track. Get your fat ass back on the track and move quicker. Or maybe not cause your movements sus. And now your mad attacking me cause your raps all suck. Acting like these are lies? Bitch grow up. How about you switch that flow up. Coming with the same cadence dog? We be bored of your shit. You an obsessed little ex whoring for clicks. I feel bad man, Dont be mad stan. Heres a trash can.. For your diss. I stay living in your head without rent. Gnat, better learn your history.. Kings they get beheaded. "The the Boogeyman cause everybody scared of me". What a dope bar, your such a rarity. Talking like you next up. You been here since 2017 where's the check huh? Your best disses got my name in them, Im a Free copy right? Let me put my claim on it. Every time you tag me ill be monetizing you while you advertise me. And fantasize about my friends. Just know I got here without you. So keep on moving, you just a lame whoes pretending. Use my name for the ascension, but my reigns are too extensive. Stay in your lane, got no engine. You start clenching and your plugged in the rear, with no luck and no career. Whoes scared of this dude. Your times up..
Honestly I wasnt even gonna go after you. But theres certain lines you just dont cross. Tryna target my legitimacy? Going after my friends? Calling out anyone you can to diss me and paying them? Danny theres ways to move in this industry properly. You put your hand out and its gonna get slapped. Get back in your fucking lane.
Free's note: Tank is known for having a pen, hes known for his pen and his bars. Like if your gonna say that he doesnt have it cause it went over your fucking head.. You need to look in the mirror. John I did do a speech with you in 2022. That was before you became a big bitch. Bitch ass fuck with nothing better to do than diss. Go back to dissing your mom, cause thats your only good diss John.

https://www.sltrib.com/religion/2024/05/14/no-easy-answers-lds-parents-wonder
Might be behind a paywall, I have JavaScript turned off on the page so I can read it anyway 😅 I'll put up some quotes and give a tl dr: basically tons of research shows that waking up early as a teen is extremely bad for your mental health, but the church doesn't care.

A mounting body of evidence indicates that teens not only need more sleep than adults but also that hormonal shifts make it harder for them to go to bed before 10 or 11p.m. At the same time, researchers have gained a clearer picture of the risks associated with teenage sleep deprivation, among them serious mental health issues and substance abuse.
Tired teens, recent studies have discovered, are more prone to major depression and risky behavior, including drug experimentation. One study, published in 2023, found that sleep-deprived adolescents were about twice as prone to suicide ideation and consideration, even when adjusting for sexual identity, trauma, bullying and other related factors. Another, published the year before, suggested a possible link between poor adolescent sleep and an increased risk of schizophrenia.

The church won't make any changes, and the parents and kids are brainwashed into thinking it's worth the "sacrifice". They have other options, like online or late night classes, but since they're not the norm kids and parents still feel the pressure to keep the status quo and do regular seminary. It's a classic "cultural" problem where the church refuses to acknowledge the influence it has on the problems it causes.
My two cents: I definitely don't have any lasting sleep disorders exacerbated by seminary /s 🙄 Jazz band at my high school was before school, my freshman year I just went to seminary instead, but then we tried having seminary just for a handful of band kids after school. For whatever reason by my junior year we switched to extra early seminary at 5:45am (I know a ton of people that had it that early as well in other districts and states). I slept through every class that wasn't active (like band or drafting) every single day of that year and the next. I even had to drop out of honors pre-calculus because I just couldn't stay awake.
The kids in most classes referred to me as "that sleeping kid". Though to be fair it was pretty funny when I got the second highest score on the practice AP physics test and the guy who sits next to me was like "what?? He's asleep ALL THE TIME" (I didn't do as well on the actual test though 😅).
And now in my thirties it's almost impossible to even get out of bed without Adderall or a large amount of caffeine, and it's impossible to get to sleep without Ambien or a large amount of weed (and yes, that includes days where I didn't take stimulants, and vice versa). This research on how much sleep teens actually need is almost a decade old, and some high schools have even pushed back their start times because of it (and consequently saw a noticeable bump in their test scores). And the church still won't address this issue that's actually harming kids. They either don't care about the kids outside of Utah or really appreciate how much easier brainwashing is when you're sleep deprived.

As If It Were Kismet: Prologue
Matt tore through the brush, blind in the dark. He didn’t care where he was going. He only knew he needed to be elsewhere. Far from here.
Behind him a creature howled that shocked his mind. It’s form was cruel and dangerous, though female. Nothing like the young woman she had once been. Nothing but a girl, a small and slight female.
It’s guttural growls and howls only grew closer as Matt tried to pick between seeing where he was going and getting away. The few times he looked he caught sight of the creature behind him. Hopping through the air with a speed that told him he was being toyed with. As if he were a mouse being played with by a cat.
But the reflex in him to run kept him going. His adrenaline going as hard as it could. The tightness and burning in his core tensing and locking up as his legs felt like there were being burned from within while taking on more of a heaviness.
His lungs were starting to betray him as he tried to gulp big breaths of air but only rapid and shallow breaths were all that he could manage. His brain was starting to burn….and then he was falling.
Falling down the side of a hill he saw the creature dart in a spring towards him, imperceivably fast almost. Catching him in mid air it seemed.
Managing to wrap its body around him and cushion his impact against the ground as they rolled. His mind barely took in what was happening during the roll. Only starting to understand what was happening once they were still.
The creature's triple D-cup breasts were unmistakably pressed hard against his back as he laid facing up at the night sky.
For a few seconds the world stilled and the needle light pain hitting the center of his brain took over for the cooking heat his brain had felt. His whole body felt heavy and reluctant to move.
Even if he could have really moved, a dull ache came over his limbs making them feel stilled and trapped as if by immeasurable amounts of sand that had engulfed him.
Slowly the arms holding him started to move. Moving so the creature's hands could start exploring him. Causing Matt to unstoppably let out a pathetic moan that made him go cold inside as hands lifted up his shirt and started to touch his exposed stomach and then his chest.
He would have whimpered so pathetically had he not still been in the depths of terror.
As its hands felt and groped his pecs he tried to situp as if to get away. For his efforts, his reward was a hand around his throat and a collection snarls and growls against his ear. A beastly, guttural voice spat words at him while somehow holding a feminine tone.
“Don’t move….I don’t know if I can calm down…”
Her words were not helped by her moans in his ear and the subsequent kissing of his ear. The flesh of his ear going between her lips as she moaned and seemed to pant. Releasing it and licking the side of his face with a moist warmth. He could feel its spittle, viscous and coating his flesh where the tongue touched. He could smell something in his saliva. Something that subtly entranced him.
Matt went stock still with fear and the confusion of mixed arousal. He barely perceived her right hand traveling lower on his body. A surprised moan and shudder echoed in the night from Matt’s lips as she took ahold of him. Her hand above his pants but still….stimulating him.
A light squeezing and almost probing of her digits kept him aroused and confused within her grasp. Resigning himself to the strange fate, Matt looked up at the stars as his mind tried not to shatter under the strange maelstrom of events and sensation that had started mere minutes ago.
His mind was only more confused as a slight figure, feminine in build, how it seemed to thunk the ground audibly as she landed on her feet out nowhere. Her knees barely bending under the pressure of the landing. Yet dirt was kicked up anyways and some of it onto Matt. Feeling it pepper his shirt and pants as it fell.
The figure, lit only faintly by moonlight, roared some dark tone Matt could only perceive as a demon as her eyes went bright with a crimson light. A light in the darkness that should not have been. “Let him go you bitch.” Was its words following the roar. Spittle escaping its mouth with faint droplets hit Matt's face.
The creature holding him by his throat and crotch seemed to tighten the grasp of both hands as it roared back. “HE IS MINE!”
The figure paused with a moment's hesitation. He was also her quarry. She had felt his fear without him knowing. His confused arousal. His fear. His terror.
And now he laid at the center of a struggle between two monsters. Unsure of who he wanted to win.
As If It Was Kismet Ch. 1
Matthew Berkshire hadn’t seen his mom in two years. Not that he had seen her much over the last six years.
A messy divorce between messy people and mom’s chaotic want for a life in Alaska had been one of the most…upsetting times in life. Setting him up for so much of what had defined his life thus far but then that had really started two years before he ever turned.
His ear buds were basic and simple. A part of cheap five pack, common for his life as he was known to lose little things. Small things. They had a mix of metal and hard rock playing in them. Some classics, some alternative. Whatever made him feel something, anything. Even if it was hate. Anger. Rage. It was better than feeling numb. Not belonging.
The escalator down to his lone bag to go with his lone carry on showed his mom waiting for him. His had a type, that’s for damn sure. Not that it helped him in the genetics department as he was stuck at 5’9” to go along with his mother’s five foot even as his dad stood six foot. Forever leaving him to feel small, to pale, under his dad’s shadow. Did he ever stand a chance?
The guy next to her with the unkempt former seventies porn stache was “Dave.” He’d met him twice when his mother came and visited him in Florida. To his credit the guy didn’t look annoyed. Kind of concerned kind of which made Matthew want to break his frozen look but he was well practiced. Having removed any note of sadness from his face through much…tribulation.
His mother’s look on her face betrayed a hint of worry as the bruises on his face lightly showed up close. Saying his name was his like a distant echo that belonged to someone else.
Dave cut in and pulled out his right headphone. “What the hell bud, they knock you hard enough to hurt hearing? Your mom’s asking how you are doing.”
Matthew pulled out the other bud and grunted an empty “sorry.”
“You still have bruises after two week? What did they do to you?” His mom’s voice was full of worry. Something he hadn’t heard in….too long. Too long to make him feel anything. To ever make him believe there was any sincerity to her words. To not think her voice and mannerisms were an act. An act by someone who…wasn’t really there.
“It’s only fair. I took a nose. Fractured a couple orbital bones. Left one with having to get his jaw wired shut. And one will never walk right again for what I did to his knee cap.” Matthew said it all with a bored and disinterested tone. Perhaps well rehearsed.
“My man, handing out ass kickings, not bothering to take names.” Dave was quick to be the typical man’s man about it. Matthew wasn’t quite done yet. Lifting up his shirt to expose the right side near his kidney. Revealing a nasty scar from a six inch blade. “Luckily they gave me this first so they could rule it all in self-defense. The fuck didn’t get it in more than inch before I ruined his knee cap and then I took the nose of one of the fucks holding me.” Now he chose to smile keeping the well practiced dead look in his eyes.
No retorts. No questions. Just horrified looks on their faces. As he liked. As he preferred. They could hate him. They could be disgusted by him. But by God they would fear him.
“Well the doc did a good job sewing you up.” Dave commented uncomfortably. “Dissolving sutures. Ain’t they grand.” He smiled again and let it abruptly fall off his face and started walking to the carousel for the baggage claim.
Waiting and making small talk with Dave as his mother stood in silence. He was not the little boy she abandoned. The little boy she left with an angry man. While never hitting him. Left him in constant fear till he turned twelve and just didn’t care anymore. Something snapped. Broke. And he didn’t care if he died. Didn’t care if he stole. Didn’t even care if he killed. He just knew not to get caught. Something left over from his grandfather’s wisdom which came to make more and more sense with each passing year of life since that thing inside him broke.
Finally his bag came around and Dave went to try first to grab it but Dave practically leapt ahead of him. “Is that your grandfather’s rucksack bag?” his mother asked in a perplexed voice.
“Figured it’s been around since Viet Nam. So it’d serve me better than any of the worthless stuff they called luggage.” Dave commented after Matthew’s words. “Well hell yeah I still got mine from Desert Storm. You know the first one.” Dave laughed and Matthew eyed him oddly. Be it in the south or whether it was Alaska, country boys are country boys he guessed.
The car ride to the two people’s house, as Matthew thought of them. Was uneventful and full of vistas he imagined metropolitan types wetting themselves over. At most they meant isolation to him. Furtherness from the world as there were no mountains in Florida. And what mountains he had last seen in another state had been when he was eight. Another life, to Matthew it felt like. A life alien to him.
As If It Was Kismet Ch 2
Dave and his mom’s place was some two story type tucked into a tree line far up an elevated point. It was by no means the highest point in the mountain but it certainly felt up there.
Rocks were where the driveway should have been Matthew thought. Grabbing his backpack and rucksack from Dave’s jeep was no hard thing for him. Matthew was in formidable shape for someone his age, maybe even five years older. He had gotten a mix of fairly big shoulders and arms along with the chest to go for it when compared to most kids his age. A side effect of working out at least twice a day. First thing in the morning, some time in the evening, and the school’s gym when had had a good semester in school before he had to leave Florida.
Dave tried to come up and help him but Matthew walked past him towards the house. His mom was not sure what to make of his demeanor. Matthew was not the sweet kind boy he had once been. But she had been gone from his life essentially for a long time.
Ushering him into the house she cracked some joke he did not hear. He was too busy looking about and seeing a mix of old outdated decorating mixed with the strange and odd flair of his mother. Color contrasting against drab and dated. Like brightly painting over an old home that was falling apart he thought.
“Your room is this way Mattie.” His mom brightly intoned.
Without expressing any interest he followed his mother. Still faced and nonplussed. Just going along with the current. Pushed and pulled with its roll like a piece of driftwood.
The room was simple. A single small bed. A set of rubber weights with a curl bar and barbells. “Your dad said you were into weight lifting so we got you a bunch of stuff. Dave says it looks like his department’s gym almost. The woman’s smile felt very alien to him.
“Thank you. I appreciate it. I’ve got most of my stuff from home.” Matthew starting unpacking his rucksack and pulled out cables of repetitive and mixed colors. A single plastic barbell handle. The ruck sack could be filled with water bottles for added weight during pushups he figured. Remembering a Michael Keaton movie he watched with his dad post-Batman movies where he played a convicted killer using plastic bags filled with water for weights.
Matthew caught movement outside his lone fairly large window that could let him step out onto the roof of the house given its layout.
He saw a number of people running together through what he guessed was the backyard of the property, not that it had any fences to mark boundaries
They wore clothes that looked similar yet different from each other at the same time.”Oh those are the Johnston’s. Really nice bunch of people. Been on the mountain for a long time Dave tells me.”
Matthew looked at the group of people running and noticed the lack of resemblance. “They are related?” Matthew quizzically asked. Seeing a black and possibly a hispanic person amongst the bland looking white people.
“Oh well they are all adopted but for one or two of them…besides the parents of course. The family has a long tradition of taking in orphans they say. Real nice of them to do that don’t you think.”
Matthew looked at his mother and the hosier accent made no sense to him as he arched his left eye brow. Her and his dad were both from Florida. Born and raised. Sure her parents were from New York city but…
Matthew shook his lightly without turning to look at his mother as his vision was grabbed by one of the runners in particular. A girl of moderate height. Soft brunette. A plain beauty he figured with a slim build….and lack of remarkable breasts and rear to make any note of but….girls in general were his type at his age.
She was pretty enough. He couldn’t deny that but he found himself transfixed by her visage.
But the way she turned and looked at him, especially at that distance felt very disconcerting to him. Even if she was smiling like…she was a taste of a bright shiny day. Somehow.
Matthew’s mom noticed the exchange and smiled to herself with closed lips. “Oh that’s Vicky. She’s your age I think. Very sweet girl, who does the charity functions. You know bake sales, blood drives, car washes and the like. I think you should get to know her. Might be good for you.”
A truck horn sounded a couple of beeps in rather succession. “Oh that must be Mack, he said he might come by later this evening but he seems early.”
Matthew’s mother turned and left his room. Leaving Matthew to exchange a few looks with the alluring Vicky as she turned her head away from him to talk to the others in her group and look back at him.
Still Matthew’s left eyebrow was arched. In a way that reminded him of Spock from Star Trek that he and his grandpa used to watch on some streaming service or another.
As he heard ambient chatter elsewhere outside the house he figured to check it out as the alluring sight of Vicky would be around he figured. It was dull to stare at artwork. He was a boy who preferred jet skis and the like. Something he could ride and enjoy immensely. Even if at times it got him stabbed.
As If It Was Kismet Ch 3
Matthew sauntered out of the house and down the rockway that stood in for a driveway.
A few new people had come over from what he could first surmise of the situation. As he got closer it was obvious they were indigenous people. A couple of grown men…and a girl?
She was mousey. Maybe five foot. Hiding behind glasses and a big camo jacket that was far too big for her. It looked made for a grown man and the backwards trucker hat on her head kept her long black a beautiful mess of sorts.
She was cute in a way. A little androgynous but she had a cute energy to her. She reminded him of the more tomboyish Puerto Rican girls he had gotten into back in Florida. Given the deer corpses in the back of the truck….probably more dangerous to play with given the men in her family.
Small chatter passed between the adults when the girl noticed but turned away, trying to hide the tiny hint of a smile.
“Oh Mattie, this is Mack. He works with Dave at the sheriff’s department and John, he’s with fish and wildlife.” Matthew nodded at his mom’s words with some blankness as he looked at the deer the in the back of the pickup truck.
“Gale tells us you hunted with your dad some in Florida and Georgia.” Mack offered with a light hearted laugh camouflaged by his big simple and cheery but husky way he spoke.
Looking in the back of the truck he spoke. “We used lever action thirty-thirties and Mosin Nagants in seven-six-two-fifty-four-rimmed.” Mack and John whistled in an exaggerated fashion. Leaving Matthew to wonder if they were mocking him.
Mack spoke. “Well we just used thirty-odd-six in a custom gussied Garand.” That caught Matthew’s attention. “You have a Garand…” Matthew finally demonstrated interest in anything. “My dad has an SVT-40 and a Hakim 8mm but he always wanted a Garand but was too cheap to buy one.”
Gale, his mother, chimed in loudly. “Oh his Dad loved his guns but was such an odd duck about how he bought or why he bought them. Never made sense to me how he wasn’t a collector but he didn’t get the latest and greatest.” Gale laughed uncomfortably. At least it seemed that way to Matthew.
Matthew pointed to the girl with an underhanded pointing hand. “And who is this? A cute little mute mouse or does she have a name?” Dave and the other men laughed.
Mack again spoke. “Well you people call her Rebecca, she’s my adopted daughter.” Matthew was taken aback by what he heard. “You people?”
Rebecca kindly spoke with a soft but almost melodic voice as she struggled to maintain eye contact. “White people or rather not members of our tribe. It’s just easier to appease the colonizer kind of thing. Borrowed from when the Jesuit missionaries chased us up here.”
Mack stepped in. “It’s just easier to have white people names than have them try to say our tribal names. And we don’t want them shortening or Anglicising our names kind of thing.” Rebecca stepped back into the conversation cutting off her adopted father. “It’s an insult to our history basically.”
Matthew cocked his head sideways raising his eyebrows shortly before letting them drop. “Well as soon as I’m eighteen I’m out of here and back to Florida so I’m a sort of involuntary colonizer of sorts. So I won’t be taking any of your land from you. The Seminoles on the other hand are still shit out of luck.”
Rebecca’s smile caused Matthew to reflexively smile. Mack made the moment more awkward. “See Becca, I told you someone off the reservation would like you some. You just have to be creative.” Mack laughed in a chiding manner…Matthew presumed. He sensed that he was the butt of some kind of cultural joke. Like marrying a white guy was some sort of insult or mark of shame. That kind of thing.
Rebecca turning away from him was not something he had been expecting. Her then getting in the truck in a huff left the group in a silence for a moment.
Dave spoke to break the awkward silence. “Well just bring the truck to work on Monday and leave it for me to grab up.” Mack acknowledged Dave and they started to get off as Rebecca looked at Matthew for another instance. Matthew couldn’t look away for some reason as the two seemed to lock eyes for an instance.
Till Vicky and family seemed to come jogging down the road. While Matthew’s eyes diverted from Rebecca’s. Hers did not till she realized he was looking elsewhere. And her vision found Vicky and what had been a hint of smile on her face turned glum and disappointed.
Matthew did not look away from the vision of Vicky but instead of a starry eyed fool looking longingly. It was a baffled look. Well baffled for him, with his eyes drawn narrow and night with a focus.
There was something about her…he couldn’t quite put a name too. The way she appeared to him. One second brunette. The next second blonde or blonde like. As if the color appeared in her air and disappeared in fractions of seconds. Much the same way her body almost seemed to…shift…very subtly…smoothly. A nicer bum. Larger breasts. And then back to a simple and plain form. Feminine no doubt. Attractive. But not so…remarkable.
As If It Was Kismet Ch 4
The next two days passed without incident. Nothing of any real substance or challenge to note.
Matthew got settled somewhat and started working out almost immediately. Exploring around the woods but Dave told him not to go far. Especially without a hunting rifle. Dave had left a simple semi-auto Winchester out for him. His bear gun as Dave referred to it with its four round magazine. But Matt figured till he got some practice with the rifle to leave it alone. He made a hiking stick like his grandpa taught him and treated it over a low fire. He would take some electrical tape for the end his hand would grip around. Plenty enough to ward off anything smaller than a bear he figured.
The ride to school was a pain in the neck but simple enough. Dave would let him use a clunker pickup truck he had laying around. It wasn’t pretty but it would get him to and from. Even if it was from the eighties and still backfired on occasion. But for now Dave and his mom took him on their way to the sheriff’s department.
It wasn’t much of a school. It wanted to be modern but its fifties original construction was very obvious. It serviced the pipeline families and familys’ of fisherman who worked the seasons in between their time at the pipeline.
Matt was to report to the principal for some reason Dave and his mom wouldn’t share. Which annoyed him but he figured it was to read him the law of land. Small towns with their big views of the outside world and like.
Dressed in jeans, a grey sweatshirt under a light jacket with steel toed boots set him more apart then he expected. His buzzed head didn’t help matters. Already he was feeling like a stranger in a strange land but he was quite strange after all. And he liked it that way. Normal people were so pathetically disappointing to him.
A secretary or assistant or some such led him to the principal’s office. Where it reeked of real wood that was old and fabric and upholstery that needed to be updated for the last twenty years, Matt figured.
“This is Matthew Berkshire, Principal Andrews.” The man was turned with his back to the door and he was quick to wave her off as he turned her around.
He was an older man. Fat and large. Tall with a body built like he had once been fit and a demeanour of annoyed and irate already as he fixed Matt with a scowl and look of disgust. Another worthless government whore. Matt thought to himself. His father and his grandfather had bestowed unto him a natural disrespect for government workers and the figures that wore unjustified authority as a shield but pretended the weight of the state was not at their back ready to crush all who resisted. Little figures of valor pretending to be mighty and alone but acting with the tyranny of the state and all the backing.
“Mr. Berkshire, please sit down.” His tone wasn’t unusually hostile, just gruff. As if he had better things to do.
Matt complied and took a seat in the chair while maintaining a friendly facade. Not everyone was an enemy. And not everyone needed to be an enemy. Even if anybody could be any enemy. There was no reason to make enemies you didn’t have to. Another of his grandfather’s bastardised wisdoms.
“Well I looked over you file and you have quite the history Mr. Berkshire.” Matt resisted qiuping back a joke. Instead he waited for Principal Andrews to continue as he remained nonplussed and looking as if he felt no need to respond. A simple head tilt with dead eyes looking back at the principle as if he was not even there would suffice.
Matt’s reaction or lack of a reaction rather made Principal Andrews only narrow his eyes with examination. He was not used to a kid not responding to him. Especially with his gruff and hard act going on.
“Well by all accounts you moved here after some problems at your last school. A fight broke out and you did some real harm to your fellow students it appears.” Of course, he would take the side of the perpetrators. School administrators always did. Especially when they weren’t white. Just a fact of the times. Cowardice and pathetic mediocrity was the way they leaned, like good government workers sucking the dick of Big Daddy government. Worthless whores.
Matt chose to reply. “Oh you mean the criminals that stabbed me. Got arrested at the hospital and then pled to felonies. Yeah Florida, with the American counties are good like that.” Principal Andrews went real still. No shame. No fear. No penitence. He didn’t like that.
“Well be it as it may Mr. Berkshire we don’t tolerate that kind of behaviour here…” Matt cut him off responding with a deadpan tone. “You mean self-defense meant to save one’s own life while the cowardly and pathetic school workers look on with zero interest but to keep their money rolling in and will allow known gang members with records of violent acts and crimes that should have them expelled many times over, where in certain Democrat counties such cowardice and idiocy empowered a couple school shooters?”
Principal Andrews looked at the Matt with a note of disgust. “Look here Mr. Berkshire, your beliefs matter not one bit here. This isn’t Florida. We don’t like our way of life being disrupted by outside agitators who have problems with authority.”
Matt did his best not to roll his eyes and let the older fat man drone own as he dead-stared him. Lifeless and without emotion.
The man came to a finish and Matt spoke up without having listened to him or paid him any attention. “Great now that’s taken care of. Can I please get to class and finish my sentence of two years at your wonderful school?”
Principal Andrews huffed and snorted before calling in Vicky. Vicky stood in the corner after entering with a quiet and seamless presence. Matt felt disturbed and tried not betray his feelings as the young Vicky was perceived and not perceived to be moving.
Principal Andrews made the introductions and Matt nodded back. She was to be his chaperone for the day. They had the same classes and she was to show him the ropes so to speak. The ins and outs of the school. The locations of their classes.
He recognized her. It was hard not to. The way her appearance seemed to shift fluidly almost. The petite and skinny brunette ever so lightly had a big bust and blonde hair with curves added when she seemed to shift before his eyes. Like watching a film but each frame had a different person.
Matt didn’t say anything about it. Even if he did he would only be acknowledging his crazed state, if he had one. If.
Unlike an obedient puppy dog he got up in a slow and awkward fashion and followed behind her as his oddly disproportionate frame allowed. Causing her a note of concern for some reason. As if she was seeing something she shouldn’t have been….Or he was just weird. And Matt could admit to himself he was just weird. Part of his charm, he would jest about it at times. Not that he had many people to jest to now.
As If It Were Kismet Ch. 5
Following Vicky into the hall off to their first class was simple. She exchanged small talk and he slightly smiled as if to obviously suggest he was just being polite.
Inside his head, Matt was trying to figure out if he was having a psychotic break. The way Vicky looked kept changing and he looked at the other people around him and they stayed the same.
He was searching his mind as they were walking. And thus he wasn’t paying attention to where he was looking and so fell to his face forward over his feet seemingly out of nowhere.
A series of laughs erupted as it sunk in that he was obviously tripped. Like in prison this was a challenge to his superiority. If he let this pass he would be mocked and sneered at by this same group of boys. He wouldn’t walk to them like he was going to do nothing like a little bitch.
In a rage he turned and punched the stomach of the first face he saw. Some typical blonde haired wannabe jock. He knew from experience not to aim for the ribs. Instead he needed to aim for where he thought the belly button was.
Yells and screams blindly echoed around him as his after the punch he followed up his elbow of the opposite arm slamming into the face of the jock. Harder than a fist, the elbow struck the jock’s jaw and seemingly dropped him against a locker. Just in time to catch an errant and soft punch to the nose that sure enough hurt but did little to slow him down as his dad had taught him to fight through the pain. Blood and scars happened. They were a natural consequence of life to a man.
Taking the punch and falling further into his red state Matt headbutted the punch thrower before another guy arm bared his throat from behind. Which he managed to get his grip on the arm over a letterman jacked and jerk the unprepared boy to the side with him still latched on.
A few feet away from the lockers Matt knew his only chance was to jump and push off the lockers and knock the boy to the ground and so he did. He heard a thunk of the boy’s skull bouncing off the ground and he turned to pull out of the grapple.
The beatings he had taken from his father, the grapples, being choked unconscious. Had prepared him for fighting little bitches who didn’t know what a fight was. It wasn’t gay porn with rabbit punch fists flying.
Blood was running down his face and the pain started to hit him as the threats had been eliminated. Only then did he remember to breathe. Taking breathes as Vicky came up to him with tissues and took a hold of his nose.
“Owww owww owww what the fuck my nose could be broken.” He said to Vicky as she pulled his head up and back.
“It’s ok Carl. It’s done.” Matt tried to look to see who Vicky was talking to. It was a boy taller than his 5’9” by more than a small margin. The boy eyed him bored and annoyed before speaking. “What happened here?” An unoriginal line but one Matt couldn’t be a smart aleck about. “Well you see there was an outbreak of tripping and we all tripped over my dick. It happens.” Matt was about to laugh when Vicky seemed to pull up while still gripping his nose causing Matt no small amount of pain which he audibly evidenced.
Vicky spoke in a tone he wasn’t expecting. As if she was accustomed to issuing orders. “Keep Iris away from the hall till we sanitize the site. We have blood from at least three people contaminating the site. And have Jake bring me a spare jacket and shirt for this moron.”
Carl seemed to acknowledge her orders and seemed to blink away. Maybe the punch hit harder than he expected. He had no time to wonder as Vick took her hand away from his and pushed him against the lockers. With ease he had not been expecting from her form and stature.
Before he could respond Vicky licked his blood covered chin and then his lips and spoke to him. “Focus on me you little blood bag.” Her tone had an annoyed yet feminine sneer.
“Look into my eyes. Look at me. You belong to me. You are just another food source in a collection of food sources.” Her eyes were a beautiful hazel Matt thought. Almost green. Pretty like jewels in some old treasure collections. The eyes he could get lost in before kissing her. Finally Vicky was just a slight and petite brunette and he thought she was beautiful.
She would make a hell of a girlfriend. Some cute thing he could see laying on the beach in Florida on their sides laughing and smiling before trading light kisses while hands wandered innocently. Before his mind could drift further he felt her lips on his. It took him a second to mentally grasp the kiss but his arms were around her back as her hands were at his sides. His eyes reflexively closed as he saw hers close.
It was ineffable to Matt. Beyond words, what was happening. The kiss, the moments beforehand. The way his brain tickled with electricity and gentle warmth. He had never had a kiss like this and he had traded more than a few kisses with at least a few girls.
The kiss was like a warm bath with his consciousness slipping beneath the surface. Their lips only parted to try new angles and approaches as Matt struggled to take in breath. It was a moment he could have stayed trapped in for….he didn’t know. But a curt throat clearing by another girl pulled them out of the moment.
The girl was taller than Vicky. Blonde. With slight curves. Vicky addressed her bewildered and gobsmacked, and perhaps a bit embarrassed. “Tina?”

I don't think I need to spell it out but I'm going to do so. My 19 year old sister is a hardcore evangelical. I was until I got to university. It has not opened her eyes at all. Everything is still black and white.
She recently discovered that while abstinence is the only guaranteed effective birth control method you actually have to practice it. She did not. And since all other forms of birth control are a sin they didn't use any. Fucking idiots.
She came to my apartment to ask for help. My apartment where according to her I'm living in sin and fornicating. Both accurate facts that I take pride in.
I asked her if it was going to be a virgin birth. She screamed at me that I was being an asshole for mocking her beliefs. I said I was mocking her hypocrisy.
Our state just banned abortion. Even if the health of the mother or the fetus is in danger. It's ridiculous.
I told her that I would help her out. All she had to do was tell our parents why I had to take time off work and she has to take time off school. She said that they would disown her. That is maybe true. I don't know. But they didn't speak to me for a year after I moved in with my boyfriend.
I wouldn't actually make her do this. I love her even though she is an idiot. I took her and we came back. She is okay physically but not so much in her mind. She is having a hard time reconciling what she did. I kind of feel bad about rubbing her beliefs in her face before agreeing to help her.

So basically I live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my family. The rent is $1,400 along with the hidden fees that no one gets told about when renting apartments.
I just recently got a job and I'm getting told to help with rent. Not only that but also the bills. I just don't know if it's normal to help by paying $318 for the electric bill.
I was supposed to get $200 back from my mom's boyfriend because of a deal we made but I know he's not gonna pay it back so my mom said that he's just gonna give that to her instead and that will be my rent. It just doesn't make sense to me. Not only that but I also pay for Netflix and I don't even use it and I can't stop paying because that's how Netflix works apparently.
I mean that's how much I make per paycheck and I get paid bi-weekly. I just got a job in the beginning of the year and I just didnt expect this. I at least had enough money for some time to get a new phone and a plan for it and yet I still get grounded for being on it after 8 pm.
I'm basically working part time after school for most of the week just for the majority of the money to not be mine. I can have like $300 and be afraid to use it because I feel like it's not mine. Is this normal?

One of the lesser known and discussed components to David Kibbe’s approach to developing an authentic personal style is his color system.
What I think is quite unique about his approach is that it is rooted in color theory. I know that sounds kind of obvious… aren’t all personal color systems rooted in color theory? Not quite in the same way, no.
To go back to the absolute basics of color theory we start with the foundational concepts of Primary Colors; Red, Yellow and Blue. Where In color theory; Yellow is Warm, Blue is Cool and Red is Neutral.
Disclaimer: Yes! There’s such thing as a Warm Blue or a Cool Yellow. David gives every season their own version of Yellow and Blue. However, we’re referencing a *pure** version of these colors - not a blend.*
So when we say “cool toned” this means the colors have a blue base since blue is cool. The same can be said for the concept of “warm toned” which means the colors have a yellow base since yellow is warm.
Now, nobody’s skin tone is literally yellow (we’re not lemons) or literally blue (we are not lizards). We are a complex blend of pigments that create a unique mix of tones within our skin, hair and eyes. What we’re looking to determine with our personal coloring here is wether we have a blue (cool) or golden (warm) undertone. With our hair and eyes providing extra clues but our undertone being the most important factor to consider.
Before we launch into the **Metamorphosis excerpt on David’s approach to personal color, I would like to pause and remind us all, that, as with all things Kibbe, it bares reminding that it is essential we leave all prior ideas on colouring aside and approach this process with a sense of playful exploration and curiosity. Our personal coloring just as our Kibbe ID is part of what makes us uniquely beautiful. So it’s not about there being a “correct” or “incorrect” answer. It’s about celebrating what is innate to us.*

Discovering the magic of your coloring

So much has been written in recent years about your coloring and "having your colors done" that I simply can't take you through this journey without a brief detour in this often confusing area.
As a firm believer in the beauty of our natural coloring, I've always felt that it should be enhanced and prized as one of our greatest gifts from Nature. Since I could be described as one of the pioneers of the modern color movement, I've worked long and hard to educate the public about the possibilities and systems that exist to make working with your coloring easy, clear, exciting, and most of all, fun!
In the past few years, I've watched many variations spring up on the basic theme of personal color analysis. As in all extremely popular fields, some of the "new" variations are simply gimmicks de- signed to cash in on the latest fad, while others bear at least some validity.
For my money, however, the basic system of the seasonal color theory originally developed by Johannes Itten of the Bauhaus School is still far and away the most effective.
This theory divides your coloring into four basic categories named after the seasons, based on two parts of your genetic makeup: (1) the undertone of your skin, which is blue or golden and functions as the "base" of your coloring; and (2) the in- tensity of your coloring, which has to do with the type of "contrast" between your hair. skin, and eyes.
Simply put, your "season" is a general description of the type of coloring you inherited and the palette of colors that will enhance it. Each "season" represents a family of colors that consists of over two million shades within the palette. Here's a brief description of each:

Winter

Blue undertone to the skin. High-contrast coloring (distinct difference between the hair, skin, eyes).
Palette: Cool, clear colors. Blue-based shades with sharp intensity. A jewel-toned palette ranging from vivid colors to very pale, icy shades.
Person: The hair is usually dark (a solid color as opposed to visibly highlighted) with an ash base, and the skin and eyes are quite clear.
Celebrities: Elizabeth Taylor, Cher, Diahann Carroll, Connie Chung.

Summer

Blue undertone to the skin. Blended contrast (the hair, skin, eyes tend to blend together).
Palette: Cool, muted colors. Blue- based shades with a saturated intensity. A dusty palette ranging from pastels to very deep shades.
Person: The hair is usually medium dark to medium light (a dense color with a very subtle highlight) with an ash base, and the skin tone is saturated while the eyes are softly muted.
Celebrities: Grace Kelly, Queen Elizabeth, Jane Fonda.

Autumn

Golden undertone to the skin. Contrast is medium to high, but characterized by richness.
Palette: Warm, intense colors. Yellow based shades with a heavy saturation of richness. A fiery palette ranging from very vivid, hot shades to a few softly muted neutrals.
Person: The hair is usually a richly highlighted shade with a red base, ranging from very deep chestnut to fiery auburn to a very deep honey. The skin tone is rich and saturated (ranging from very pale to very deep) and the eyes are a mixture of marbelized color.
Celebrities: Natalie Wood, Ann-Margret, Diane Keaton, Katharine Hepburn, Shari Bela- fonte-Harper.

Spring

Golden undertone to the skin. Contrast is delicate, but sharp.
Palette: Warm and clear colors. Yellow based shades with a light, bright intensity. A vibrant pal ette ranging from very fresh, vivid shades to a few clear pales.
Person: The hair is usually a medium dense shade (with a subtle natural highlight) and a golden or red base, ranging from medium golden brown to strawberry to golden blond. The skin tone is clear and delicate, and the eyes are crisp.
Celebrities; Shirley MacLaine, Sissy Spacek, Vanessa Williams, Arlene Dahl, Eva Gabor.

Draping the Seasons

Question: How can I determine my "season"? Can I tell by just looking at myself in the mir ror? Can I tell by looking at the underside of my wrists?
Not really. The best way to objectively determine your season is with the help of three or four friends. To correctly determine your season, you've got to first determine both the undertone of your skin (blue or golden), and then the type of contrast between your hair, skin, and eyes. The only way to accurately do this is by a process called "draping," whereby you drape selected shades of fabric under your chin and compare the color of the fabric to the colors in your face. You cannot determine your undertone by simply looking at your wrist because you are merely viewing the "shade" of your skin tone, as opposed to the undertone or base coloration.
In the draping process, you discover your skin's undertone by an indirect method. The aim is to enhance the undertone of your skin by using a complementary base color from the selected fabric.
Here's how to do this: With a group of three or four friends, assemble the following large swaths of fabric:

Four shades of green:

a) a blue-based emerald green (clear and vivid)
b) a blue-based sen green (soft and dusty)
c) a yellow-based mossy green (rich and in- tense)
d) a yellow-based bright chartreuse (light and clear)

Four shades of red:

a) a blue-based scarlet (clear and vivid)
b) a blue-based dusty raspberry (soft and muted)
c) a yellow-based tomato (rich and intense)
d) a yellow-based bright poppy (light and clear)

Four shades of blue:

a) a blue-based royal (clear and vivid)
b) a blue-based cornflower (soft and dusty)
c) a yellow-based teal (rich and intense)
d) a yellow-based bright aqua (light and clear)

Four shades of pink:

a) a blue-based fuchsia (vivid and clear)
b) a blue-based dusty rose (soft and muted)
c) a yellow-based salmon (rich and intense)
d) a yellow-based bright coral (light and bright)
Now drape each other in these colors, following the order in which they're listed. As you're watching this process, be sure to focus on the person's face, not the color. (Remember, you're seeking to discover which color brings the person out, not sim- ply the color you like best.)
In the right shade, you'll watch the person's skin tone become smooth and clear; shadows will seem to miraculously disappear!
In the wrong shades, the color will reflect onto the person's face; you'll notice the color, not the person.
Have your friends vote on what they're seeing. You'll nearly always find the consensus of others to be correct. (Your own opinion may be somewhat prejudiced by color preferences and the thought of having to change your wardrobe!)
If the consensus is that the colors of group a tested best on you consistently, you are a "Winter." If the consensus is toward group b, you are a "Summer." If the consensus is toward group c, you are an "Autumn"; and if the consensus is toward group d, then you are a "Spring."
NOTE: It's very important to perform this draping ceremony in natural light, so be sure you work near a large window with good sun exposure. Also, if your hair has been artificially colored, or has any chemical processing on it such as perms or waves, be sure to cover it with a white turban or bandanna. This will prevent your altered haircolor from throwing any shadows on your face, which could result in a misanalysis. This is crucial in determining your season, so don't forgo it in the name of vanity! Since the skin tone is a much subtler color than your hair, it's very easy to simply match the shades of fabric to the hair, rather than to the complexion. Also, be sure you remove all traces of makeup before you begin!

Questions & Answers

Q. Can I be a mixture of seasons!
A. No, you cannot. It's genetically impossible! Each "season" refers to a specific type of coloring, of which there are only four. For example, you cannot have a mixture of a golden and a blue undertone. Since the undertone functions as the base of your skin tone, it determines whether the shade of skin you have is either warm or cool. A color can only have one base, whether it's skin color, haircolor, fabric, a cosmetic shade, or even the paint on your wall!
The basic law of abstract color theory states that the base of a color determines its shade. For example, a burgundy red has a blue base. It is this blue base that actually causes the shade to be burgundy instead of some other shade of red, say tomato red or rust. Likewise, a mossy green is caused by a yellow base, while an emerald green is emerald because its base is blue! Your skin tone is exactly the same. An olive skin is always caused by a blue undertone.That's why it's olive and not a tawny beige (which is caused by a golden undertone). On the other hand, an ivory skin tone has a golden base, which is what makes it ivory instead of porcelain (which is caused by a blue undertone). There isn't a single individual-dead, alive. or yet to be born who possesses a mixture of undertones. It simply can not happen!
Q. What about "intensity"? Can I be a mixture of the "cools" (WinteSummer) or the "warms" (Autumn/Spring)!
A. No, you cannot. As with the undertone, you have one type of intensity to your coloring. High contrast coloring needs clear shades to enhance and bring it out effectively. Blended coloring needs a saturation of color to allow the subtlety of your coloring to show through gracefully. Mixing the clear colors with the dusty tones only negates your particular type of coloring.
Moreover, the palettes themselves simply don't mix effectively when you translate them into clothing and cosmetics. If you were to try to create color combinations of the cool Winter and Summer palettes, for example, you would never be able to effectively combine the jewel tones of Winter with the elegantly dusty shades of Summer. Since the palettes are of opposing intensities, the shades themselves are not at all complementary. Any resulting outfits of clothing would simply be a hodgepodge of mismatched colors!
Even more disasterous would be an attempt to mix the tones in cosmetics. For a makeup to be successful, you absolutely must keep all the colors on your face in one family of color, both in terms of the base and the intensity. Mixing them is akin to wearing a shocking pink blouse with a bright orange lipstick! While the result might not always be this glaring, opposite color families do not blend together!
Q. But I've had my colors done "professionally," and I was told I'm a mixture. Why would that have happened?
A. Basically, that means one of two things. Either you were analyzed incorrectly, which is, unfortunately, becoming quite common because of improper training and a lack of experience among color consultants, or it's simply a question of semantics.
Frequently, in an effort to delineate among the specific shades that you can actually wear effectively (be cause of the variations in individual skin tone, hair, and eye colors that exist within a season), color consult ants have attempted to make your palette as specific to you as possible. This sometimes manifests in your being labeled a mixture of seasons or having a "subseason." While this is technically incorrect, since the colors within the seasonal palettes do not actually blend with the other palettes, the result is usually a way of defining the range of shades within your season that appear most exciting on you.
From my experience, based on analyzing thousands of clients over a number of years, I simply find it too inaccurate and confusing to try to suggest to my clients that they "mix" the palettes. It's not helpful in a practical sense, for it doesn't actually add any colors that they can effectively work with in clothing, cosmetics, or haircolor. And, since it's technically incorrect, as I previously stated, I find that the clients who come to our salon with a "mixture" of colors nearly always have either a diluted appearance, in terms of focus, or they have a lot of mistakes hanging in their closets! Can my "contrast" change with age?
Q. What about as my hair turns gray? Does this change my season?
A. No, your season never changes with age, or anything else! As your hair begins to gray, Nature is not only changing your haircolor, but is also changing your skin tone and eyes at the same time. The balance among these three elements always remains the same. For example, if you're a mature Vivid Winter, like actress Bea Arthur, the balance among your hai skin/eyes is best described as high contrast. You have a vivid haircolor, a fair skin, and an intense eye color. True, your haircolor is not the same as when you were twenty years old, when it was probably a deep brunette, but you've maintained the high contrast coloring you were born with. As your hair began to gray, it didn't turn a dull or mousy shade of gray, but rather went a brilliant silver, didn't it? Your skin and eyes have actually gotten lighter at the same time, even though this difference is probably imperceptible to you. Do yone that your high contrast has not changed at all! You still have a vivid haircolor, a fair skin, and an in- ten eye color. Your balance has remained the same! You are still a Vivid Winter, and the colors that focus your specific coloring are still cool and clear!
Whatever your season, Nature created your haiskin/eyes as a unit. They always change together, and the balance among them never changes That's why your season never changes!
Q. Does my season have anything to do with style? For example, I read somewhere that Winters should stick to solids and geometrics, while Autumns are very good in tweeds and textures.
A. Not in the least! Having your colors done has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than determining what your skin tone is and which palette of colors to work with to enhance it. It tells you nothing more specific than the range of colors to use. Your specific clothing choices (including fabrics and textures, as well as shapes and lines), makeup shades, and haircolor range all come from developing your personal style through discovering your Image Identity.
For example, Autumns are frequently told to concentrate on use of textures in their wardrobe. Yet Ann-Margret is a Fiery Autumn, but as a Theatrical Romantic, I'd much rather see her in silks, satins, angora, and se quins than rough textures or tweeds any day of the year!
Having your colors done can be a wonderful and exciting addition to your life, and I highly recommend it when it's properly executed. Just be careful not to give it more importance than it's worth. Your coloring is only one part of you - it's worthy of being carefully looked at, but only within the contest of your total look.

Now I’m sure for those of us who are more visual the written descriptions of these colors can be ultra confusing! Unfortunately we can not share the seasonal palettes David has created. However, the palettes as well as a wealth of additional information on the sub seasons, additional celebrities as well as the three make up palettes for each season etc. can be accessed within the Four Season Freedom Facebook Group.
My personal tip is to get a good grasp on basic color theory by understanding what blue based vs yellow based colors look like. A really creative and explorative way to approach this is by getting some paints out and mixing the tones to see how blue (cool) with added yellow (warm) transforms into a warm blue. (Please ensure you use a true Yellow, a true Blue, a true Red, a true Black and a true White).
The goal of the system isn’t to just wear the colors David has in his seasonal palettes - it’s to use these as a jumping off point. So, that you can then take the concept of your coloring and have the ability to intuitively identify colors that harmonise with you rather than pull out a palette on your phone every time you go clothes or make up shopping!
Each season can be quickly understood by what it’s characteristics evoke:

Winter (Cool) is Jewel

Spring (Warm) is Vibrant

Summer (Cool) is Lush

Autumn (Warm) is Fiery

A quick disclaimer!! No season gets boring muted colors. Everyone gets beautifully saturated colors! You won’t see the sad, drab and dull tones often seen in other seasonal color systems here! For example Summer is Lush in tone not muted and Autumn is fiery in tone, again not muted In any sense if the word.

Let’s talk about the defining characteristics tied to certain seasons

I want to preface this part, by reminding us all that much like our Kibbe ID, we are born with the innate characteristics we have ; we are who we are meant to be! And so it’s never a case of being relegated to certain IDs or color seasons based on certain characteristics. But, instead we are embarking on the journey to discover what has always been there with the objective of achieving harmony with ourselves and in doing so bringing out our unique beauty.
Brown eyes. Brown eyes are a feature of high contrast coloring and therefore will always be a high contrast season; Autumn or Winter.
Naturally Ginger / Red hair Ginger / Red hair is a warm color (a mix of a golden base with added red) and therefore will always be a warm season; Spring or Autumn.
An Olive undertone Olive is always caused by a blue undertone, therefore it will always be Winter.
Naturally Blonde hair Blonde hair can be any season except for Winter which requires a high level of contrast between the features; Skin/HaiEyes.
The Color Black Black is considered a cool tone that casts a shade on its surrounds, due to its depth of contrast is only given to Winters as with Winters it enhances the clarity of coloring whether-as with all other seasons it muddies their coloring.
The Color White White, on the other hand is universally given to all seasons as it is considered a neutral.

This is long so thanks to all who reads this. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years and we have had a ton of ups and downs. As I mentioned he is a school counselor, he has even had inappropriate relations with another teacher at one of the schools he worked at and that was a whole thing. So I’m very insecure bc he has a history of texting and flirting with other girls. So this school year he’s at a new school settling into his role. He’s a young handsome man and he tells me all the time how he can’t get students out of his office, and for some time I could understand bc it’s rare for black students to see a young black counselor especially having a similar disadvantaged upbringing as them. So here is where my problem started. All these girls would come to him and cry about their relationship issues (something I didn’t do in high school) and say they think their pregnant etc and all these teenage sob stories. So a pregnant student invited him to her baby shower and he was dead set on going because he supported her a lot and we had a VERY LONG conversation about OPTICS and how we never want things ever look a certain way. When I told a family member we were going to said students baby shower I was given the response “why? That’s weird.” So there’s the optics. So fast forward, I’m going through his phone and he texted a female student at 5:30 AM (we were at the gym together I was doing RDLs in front of him) “happy birthday 🎈🎊”. At 5:30??!! He said that the previous day she kept reminding him and her mom has cancer and he feels bad so that’s just when he remembered. So then the student texts later “wya with my chipotle” and he responds “driving back”. He said that he buys students lunch on their birthdays. I continue going through the phone and I see multiple students numbers saved male and female but I’m more concerned about the females asking “can you call me down 5th period”. For example.
Now I do not think he is a groomer bc these messages are largely about graduation dates and deadlines and he does not communicate with students after school hours BUT after we already had the conversation about optics and I’ve already voiced my insecurities he’s continued to show he has blurred boundaries. I don’t plan to stick around when the accusations come rolling in. When I confronted him I felt gaslit and when I said I was going to post the screenshot to social media he almost got physical because I’m putting his character and job in jeopardy but I believe other people would agree with me that his behavior is weird. TLDR

For a little backstory, there was this guy I’ve known since 7th grade, we were friends (I liked him throughout this time) throughout 7th grade to 9th grade, we had a small thing between 8-9th grade and then we eventually stopped talking, in 10th grade I moved schools and he also moved to that school at the same time, I’d always see him at school staring at me and glancing, looking away when I’d look over at him, we never spoke to each other only just looked at each other, eventually he added me by search on Snapchat and I added him back and asked why he added me, he said “sorry I was high and ___ asked about you” I ended the conversation basically after that and unadded him, we continued to go on always glancing and staring at each other ect, talking on social media very briefly but again I’d end the conversations very quickly, eventfully I realised I kinda did still like him so I added him on Snapchat one day, we started talking again and fell into chatting just like we used to, I eventually admitted to him that I used to like him and he also admitted that he did too but he thought I didn’t so he didn’t say anything (?? Just say something bro) anyway the conversation went on and I finally admitted that I still had feelings for him, he also admitted that he never really stopped liking me and he realised when he saw me at our new school that he liked me still and couldn’t stop looking at me, we continued to talk constantly, we’d hang out out of school together, alone also with his friends and my friends ect, we sit together on the way to school on the bus in the morning, but I don’t speak to him at school cause his friends are too intimidating lmao, he wants me to but I’m just a bit shy honestly, when we hangout in public he’s very touchy and affectionate, always wants to hold me or touch me in someway. And then one night we were together he said “I know this might seem crazy but I think I’m in love with you” I was shocked when he said that, and ever since he just keeps saying it, I told him that he shouldn’t say it so early, so he said he’d stop so instead he just says “I really really really (ect) like you” every single day too, he’ll tell me every single day that he likes me so much (sometimes even slips up and says love) tells me how much I mean to him, when I’m upset or stressed about anything he’s always there for me and makes sure to tell me again how much I mean to him and that he loves me and that he’s always here for me, whenever we’re together he’ll go on and on about how much he likes me and how happy I make him ect, it’s so constant and it’s so much and it does make me happy to a point cause I do really like him, but it also makes me uneasy with the thought maybe he doesn’t and he’s just love bombing me, he also wants to date and I said I wasn’t ready so he said “take as long as you need, days, weeks, months but please don’t make me wait another three years“

I’m f 23 and I’m reviewing my life. I do every few months and always decide to stay with my mum. Because I need her emotional support, money, and I love her a lot, or perhaps better worded: have a personality that can be described as Co-dependent.
My mum tries to alienate everyone from me including my grandma, aunt, dad and brother by always talking shit about them every time I bring them up. Even when I was younger she’d ask me “do you like dad or mum more?” And treat me badly if I said I like my dad more.
She was always jealous of my brother and I hanging out together so as long as she’s awake or in the house we don’t speak to each other or she gets very angry and always butts into the conversation to ask what we are doing, and tries to monitor what we talk about a the time.
She constantly encourages us to be paranoid since we were young, telling us everyone is “watching us because we are acting stupid”, that people “hate us because we are stupid”. She treats unintelligent people like garbage or less than human. It’s the only thing that matters to her. She always says “I don’t understand how you kids have social anxiety!” In such a cheerful way and pretends not to remember anything she did to us. She loves to humiliate us. Shouting in public about our insecurities. Saying to me”if you think you’re fat I’ll call you fatty”, and addressing me “fatty” and when I get annoyed she just says “it’s just a joke… you know I love you dearly”. She always finds a way to feel powerful from our insecurities, playing the heartbroken mum.
She buys us gifts and is kind for a few weeks. Lovebombing us. Then she turns around whenever we get too uncomfortable, and threatens to leave. She says she regrets ever loving us and that buying us the gifts were a mistake and “she was just her trying her best.” Because she’s fully aware and feels guilty of her own behaviour whilst never admitting to it.
She made my brother sleep in a bin when he was 4 years old saying she will “dump us in the rubbish where we belong and put us in orphanages” because we couldn’t finish our food at a dinner in front of her friends. When I was 6 my uncle purchased me a set of crayons and she forced me to hand them out to the class once each. she hit me so much until I submitted and agreed to her conditions. It took a lot of whacks because I loved the crayons :/.
She would put me in situations where I became a bad person and she would just be a bystande victim. She would bawl crocodile tears saying “she only did this because I’m a bad mother”, and that statement was the most true thing that ever left her mouth . For example, when I was around 12 she said I was “on her laptop for too long” when I had a group project due the next day. So she kept the laptop on lock saying I’m not allowed to access it. The next day my teacher had a massive go at me, saying I had a responsibility for the group project and made my group fail. I told her the truth when she asked why I couldn’t complete my work. She called my mum immediately to ask if it was true. Then the most unexpected thing happened and I could hear my mum crying through the phone saying it never happened: that I’m a liar. The teacher never looked at me the same way again. She was one of my favourite teachers. I went home and asked my mum why she did it and she got very angry, saying I “never asked her to use the laptop”. She would always pretends to be unaware of her actions, feigning ignorance as her greatest weapon.
My brother tells me after each time I try to accuse my mum for her past behaviours, my mum would talk to him afterwards. Saying how “no one will ever believe a word she says. It’s so pitiful to see her try”. She would laugh and scoff at me saying I’m a failure etc, and that’s why no one will believe. He tells me I need to leave or my life will be painful, suffocating, and controlled.
I’ll never be able to have a partner. She rejects all my friends. She would kick them out of the house even when I had friends over on play dates when I was 8 years old, and she would tell me how all my friends were bad children. She starts getting angry when I call my bestie and grabs my phone to turn it off when I’m on a call even now. She starts saying I need to do all these chores and should be grateful for her etc, and that if I were a good person I wouldn’t call my best friend.
She controls me with money. With how much I can earn, how much I can spend. She gets incredibly angry when I save and has always discouraged it. Because saving means power to leave her. She’s confiscated or taken my money many times. She demands rent from me whenever I earn to stop me from saving. She says she’ll kick me out whenever she realises I’m making too many friends or becoming closer to other family members.
She’s always controlled my dad, brother, and myself with threats of abandonment. Even when I was little she would tell me she’d leave me and never return because im a bad child and I don’t deserve her. She’d disappear on” holidays” without telling us.
All the while she says she wants me to be her little girl forever and that she’ll never let me go. She said this to me many times throughout my childhood, and the last time was three months ago.
If I talk about my problems she tries to shut me up with her sob stories from her childhood -that turned out never happened when I asked my grandma.
I’ll never escape. :/

AuPair now since 2019, started in England and went then over to Ireland 2020. Let’s say I had great experiences, and very shitty ones. I went from getting used & treated like a slave to getting treated like another daughter.
My last HF was horrible- 4 kids, youngest was a baby 6 months old. Other three kids were between 5&8. HP were never home both worked full time, HM always wanted to make sure I stay home. Example I say I need to walk down to the pharmacy to get something, she wants to know what and go and gets it for me even tho it was something I had to pick up in person. Payment was class for the fact that i was supposed to do nothing with the kids, literally “nothing” i was more a cleaner, cause all the time I tried she said it’s not really worth it. Well I went over there more as an emergency change, which almost killed me mentally, since the family I worked before that kicked me out after working with them for 9 months, never had an issue but after they got married the HM changed drastically. Didn’t pay me for three weeks, and didn’t let me close to the kids. I tried talking to her after her honeymoon but she was literally hiding at her husband work so I wouldn’t come and talk to her. Shushed me when I was talking to the kids - kiddos even started crying in front of her for me so much about that. Anyway- I met my boyfriend here almost two years ago so I said my current HF is the last one. Single mother of three. She has crazy work hours told me about that and said that I have mostly Sundays off and that she will make sure I have enough time to see my boyfriend at least once a week. I was fine with that and even agreed on every two weeks, but this women is making my life a living shit show. In the first month everything worked out great, but now every time I have a day off there another work day after and then again a day off which makes visiting my boyfriend very hard if the grandma is not covering work for me. Next thing- She said they are living in a little village, which was also more then fine with me cause I love the peace and quiet, she didn’t mention that if the bus is not coming regularly that I need a lift to get into town- that’s not even what annoys me the most. She mentioned that she has a boyfriend, and that she would love to spend a bit more time with him and i was also more then okey with that and felt very bad for her cause she’s on her own. Little did I know what I was agreeing on. What was once a “can I go see my boyfriend after work and stay over there and you get the kids ready in the morning for school and I be straight home after work the next day-“ turned now into it happening at least 3-4 times a week and she doesn’t even ask me anymore, she just writes it down in the schedule and that’s it. Like I get that you have your own life but seriously I’m not a stepmother. To be fair I only work from 2-8 when she’s home, but if she’s not home, I have so much work. I have the kids during the day, and over night. I get loads of other extra work from her for in the morning, even tho she’s not paying me for that time as I’m not with the kids. Example - two weeks ago she stayed home from work cause she thought the house was very dirty. She send me a list of at least 14 things which she wanted to get done so I offered my help for the “kids related” things. In the end of the day I cleaned from 8:30 in the morning till 5 while she was in the garden painting a little kids house and kiddo chairs, which would have taken at least an hour max two if not less. She’s the most selfish person I ever met and I really start to hate her. She always buys me stuff, to cover up the fact that she is using me. She’s going now in a week on a four day holiday with her boyfriend while I have the kids for those days which include two weekends days, then she goes to work for four days and goes then on a holiday with the kids for a week. I would have loved to book a holiday but she’s underpaying me so bad that I can’t do anything and looking for babysitter jobs is impossible with her schedule and her private life. I’m about to get my own life sorted, and told her about that so I can’t wait for September. Thanks.

Using an alt because my friends use Reddit and not sure if I want to open this stuff up to those in my life as things haven't settled between everyone yet. I (26F) have a younger sister, Lily (24F), who’s been with her fiancé, Mark (28M), for three years. They’ve always seemed really happy together, and they’re planning to get married next summer. Lily and I have always been close, but she can get pretty intense and a bit paranoid when it comes to relationships.
A few weeks ago, Lily told me about this plan she had. She wanted to test Mark’s loyalty by having her friend Sarah flirt with him at a party to see how he’d react. I told her it was a terrible idea and that she should just trust him, but she was dead set on it. She said she needed to be sure Mark wouldn’t cheat on her once they’re married.
So, last weekend at a party, Sarah went ahead with the plan. According to Lily, Mark was nice but didn’t flirt back and even mentioned he was engaged. But Lily was still upset because she felt he didn’t shut Sarah down "forcefully enough."
I thought this whole thing was really unfair to Mark. He had no idea he was being tested, and I felt bad for him. So, I ended up telling him what Lily did. He was shocked and hurt but thanked me for being honest with him. Now, Lily is absolutely furious with me. She says I betrayed her and ruined her relationship. She won’t talk to me, and she’s saying I overstepped big time.
Our parents are split on this—Mom thinks I did the right thing, but Dad thinks I should’ve stayed out of it. Mark is now reconsidering the engagement, and Lily has cut me off completely.
I’m feeling really torn and guilty. I don’t know if I did the right thing by telling Mark or if I should’ve just stayed out of it. AITA? And if I am how do I fix this? Should I try to repair my relationship with Lily, Should I reach out to Mark again or give him space?
Any advice would be really appreciated. I’m so lost right now.

This is just a whole rant/sob story about what I’ve been feeling as of recent.
I’ve been crying about yesterday’s U2 Chemistry exam, and today’s Pure 2 assessment for the entire day.
They were horrible. I can’t begin to describe the shock I am in. I've been holding in so much sh*t for so long, but these exams have left me unable to hold it in anymore.
I have done every single past paper, from the Sample Paper to the Jan 2024 papers. I have studied really, really well. I have made sure to study so hard to a point I that there was nothing left I could do. I literally don’t know what else I could have done to prevent this from happening.
I was always ready to sacrifice everything for my grades and my future. For these A-Levels, I have ruined my health, my happiness, my social life, wasted my youth, but for what?
I get around 4 hours of sleep every night. I’m always too stressed to have an appetite to eat. I feel tense and anxious almost all of the time. I am always tired and keep getting body aches for no reason. I have no time to pursue the things I love anymore. I can count the number of times I have gone out with friends in the past 4 years on a single hand. I see all these American teens online having fun and going out every other day. I can’t even remember the last time I left the house to do something enjoyable.
Yeah, I know it sounds like I’m overreacting, and it’s just some ‘exams’, but my whole future is literally dependent on this. Regardless of all the effort and hard work I’ve put in, I f-ed up these exams.
My biggest dream has always been to get into a prestigious university on a scholarship to study medicine. But I can say goodbye to that now.
I grinded so hard in my IGCSEs to do well and I did. I got A*s for every subject and I guess that gave me false hopes that I could ace my A-Levels. Having sat these two exams, I feel so doomed. I know I performed horribley on them.
I feel nothing but disappointment, hopelessness, and fear right now. I have disappointed myself by ruining my chances of making my dream come true.
It's even worse when you feel that the others around you, who have high expectations, are also disappointed. My chemistry teacher was saying how she knew I would do well because of how hard I've worked, then when I told her about how the exam was, I saw how her face just dropped. Everyone was telling her it was terrible, and I feel like she was on the verge of crying.
Then today, before going into the math exam, my math teacher saw me trying to breathe while I was very nervous, and he said that 'it's going to be fine'. I literally told him, 'I don't think it will be', and he just tried to be optimistic about it. After the exam, I knew he'd come to ask how we did, so I tried to hide from the shame, but he found my friend and I. I was crying before, but while he was trying to make us feel better the tears were just pouring down my face.
I feel like the biggest failure ever. During the math exam, my heart started to beat so fast as I realized time was running out and I still had so many questions I was stuck on to complete. That's exactly when the 'it's over - my future is ruined' thoughts came to my head. I just kept thinking 'forget about going to a big university, the only place I can go to now in my home country'. I couldn't even hold back my tears at school. I just started crying in front of everyone like that.
The biggest shock to all of this is that my parents weren't even angry with me; they were almost sympathetic. For reference, my parents are very strict when it comes to academics, so I was expecting them to blow up on me when I told them how it went. They didn't though. They kept telling me it was okay, and that I should focus on my next exam. Not gonna lie, this probably felt worse than having them shout at me. While they didn't say anything explicitly about how they feel, I can feel that they're miserable, and it's all my fault.
I feel so guilty. Is this what my parents immigrated for? My parents have endured so much racism, so many financial struggles, and just a whole lot of sh*t for a long, long time to make sure I can get a good education and have a good future. It feels like I wasted almost 2 decades of struggle in a foreign country.
Imagine all those relatives back home who are expecting me to become a doctor to realize I messed up this bad. Then there is the other side of the family who have criticized my parents since the day I was born for wasting all that time just for education. These same people are the ones who kept trying to convince my parents to try to have another child, hoping for a boy, because 'what is a girl going to do for you when you're old and tired?' I was dead-set on proving them wrong, and honoring my parents' hard work my succeeding and giving them the best life I could afford. I wanted to be the daughter who could make her parents live a life of comfort and peace, better than any son ever could. Now what? It's not happening.
I won't get into a top university, let alone get a scholarship. I won't study medicine as I've dreamed of. I won't become a doctor. I won't retire my parents and let them enjoy the rest of lives without a care in the world if we had enough money to pay rent. I won't be able to do anything I dreamt of.
I've always been insecure. At one point in time though, I made peace with it and said that if I can't be pretty or charismatic, at least I could be smart. It's been the one thing I knew I could count on. But now I feel so f-ing stupid. Like what am I useful for anymore? If that was the one thing I could do right, but now it's gone, what even is my use in life anymore? I used to cry about being ugly, but now I'm dumb too.
Since Year 9, I have been going through a really rough time mentally. I went through a period of time when I was bullied really bad, then another where we were flat broke, then another time when my dad lost his job, then another when my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, then half a year of my parents thinking of divorce, then dealing with the passing of 3 relatives. When does it stop being bad? I used to feed myself these corny lies of 'it's gonna get better' but it doesn't. And this exam period just proved me right.
I wanna give up now. I don't wanna sit anymore exams, and I'm just a third into it. In fact, I don't even wanna live anymore. I know it sounds dramatic to say this over an exam, but I've been holding in this entire rant for the longest time ever, and these exams just brought it out. I've attempted it twice already, but never succeeded.
Since I have no future anyways, I might as well not keep living. I swear to God, that if it weren't for my fear of going to hell, I would try to do it again. I won't though, until we see how the U2 Biology exam goes. But I don't have any hope for it to be any better.
I'm sorry for everyone who feels as though their future is ruined because of these exams, although they studied as hard as they could. May God reward us for our effort.

Since I was a kid, I knew how my parents were. I used to hate them; I felt left out. My parents used to sleep separately. My mom and us would sleep in a different house, and my father would sleep in our childhood home. Sometimes we slept together. We were that type of middle-class family—my parents could buy us our wants and needs, but due to business, they were busy. My dad sometimes went to his childhood province. Being a second child, I was kind of a brat and talked back to my parents. But as I grew up, I got shy and became an introvert. It’s hard for me to share my problems with people or even my parents.
We have a lot of houses, specifically my grandparents’. They are upper-class people. Different people, relatives, and nannies took care of us while our parents traveled or were busy with business. I didn’t care much, but in 5th grade, I learned my dad cheated on my mom with my mom’s best friend. They got married secretly and had a child. It really bothered me. I started to change; I got quiet, shy, and very introverted while my mom was suffering. But I also hated her instead of hating my dad because she didn’t really care about us. She cared more about our sibling. She didn’t even know how to be a wife to my dad. Still, my dad divorced his second wife and got back together with my mom.
By the way, when we found out about the cheating, my mom was also pregnant with her 6th child. Now we’re seven siblings altogether. I also have an online friend who I met online. I started sharing my problems with her to the point she even changed her IG user to my name, like @mynameismygirlfriend. And by the way, she’s not my girlfriend; she’s just a friend. Then one day, my mom spanked me and told me to go take a shower. I brought my phone with me and chatted with that online friend in the bathroom. My mom checked the bathroom because it didn’t have a lock. She caught me and was trying to get my phone, but I was pulling it back because I had sent a message saying, "I hope my parents divorce." That message really ruined my life. Do I regret sending that message? Maybe yes, maybe no.
Another thing is my diary, where there’s a page saying I hate her and I wish she hadn’t become my mom. I wished my dad’s youngest sister was my mom because I was jealous of my cousin and how my auntie treated them. For months I was suffering because my mom was hurting me almost every day, and I was suffering almost every day. One thing for sure was considering suicide. I was suffering from depression and anxiety at that time, but my mom doesn’t believe in that stuff when it comes to me because my parents said I was just being distracted by a devil.
Since I was a kid, I knew I was not the favorite child, but it’s okay; I learned to live with it. I also developed a habit of stealing money from my parents, and they found out about it twice. They always bring it up when something is missing; they would immediately ask me. By the way, part of my diary is about me trying to change, but it’s hard when they keep bringing up my past. All those bad habits were left in my past, but you choose to bring them up whenever there’s a topic about those habits. You would bring it up. Yes, I still constantly leave whenever you talk and try to teach me a lesson, but because you guys keep bringing up my past. Sorry if I was disrespectful, but I'm really tired of you guys abusing me mentally and physically. You’re ruining me day by day. I can’t wait to leave this house and prove something. If being boastful is what my parents call me, I don’t care. I’m tired. There’s a lot that you guys don’t know about because these are only a few things you did to me.

My IB exams will be over tomorrow (it’s listening Dw). Here’s my take for future students. IB is not worth doing, I will try to include all the popular aspects— could be useful for parents and students interested.

1. Cost

Let’s be real. IB is hella expensive with little to no ROI for its worth. I spent 15lakhs (almost $15,000) inr for 2 years while my friend doing a different program spent 2lakhs inr ($2000) (can be more cheaper). And now we both are going through a similasame college process for international.

1. Credits

Let’s be real you can just take IB exams for IB certificates and get IB credits. If you’re doing JEE you guys already cover more than our syllabus except for options, which are relatively easier. Just check in with your current program and IB to see if the syllabus is similar—at most they are the same.

1. Prestige

If you’re going in IB for prestige you’ll make a big fool of yourself. Yes I know with time management you can do everything, the reality is NO. You’ll see your friends completing their 12th way before you (in my case it happened not sure about others) the only prestige you’ll feel is for those 2 years you can tell yourself you did the IB but no one will care.

1. Mental health

Well all subreddits related to IB cover this no need to go through it again but yes not worth it. Much better with other programs

1. Ease into first year

Okay let’s be honest here. You will know how to do an academic report better than the rest, you will nail your first year. What’s next? A person who hasn’t done the IB will soon get to your level after 1-2 semester. Then what? Did you honestly pay $15,000 for “easing into university” which already costs multiple life savings? Just do an online course on academic report in summer (can be free if you’re smart) and you’re better off than us.

1. bETtEr tImE ManAgemEnt sKillS

Bro stfu. Are you seriously paying so much to learn time management? All I see when people are arguing about why you should do IB is that it forces you to manage your time. What kind of a lame argument is that? You utilize time management, for that matter all skills, in your daily life. Want to improve time management? Do school, join sports, start an NGO/clubs— there time management cheaper than IB.

1. Universities prefer IB students more

Okay no. That’s just a marketing scheme and sadly I was caught in it. Do you really think a university will prefer one program over the other? Discriminating against the fortunate and the unfortunate? Please don’t be like me and fall into this trap, schools and IB only want your money, for that matter all programs in this world, Education is a business please get that through your head. My own university says that we compare IB students against IB STUDENTS, so what’s the point?
Ofcourse there are more reasons and ofcourse I might be wrong in some. I would do the IB again if there is more ROI to it, for now there isn’t. I would have saved a lot of mental and financial stress both for my family and myself if I didn’t do the IB. I truly regret taking this program not because it was hard but how unnecessary it was.

Okay so I (15f) kinda dislike my cousin (17f) who we'll call Willow, because of what shes done to me in the past.
When we were kids (think like 7 and 9) she and i would always race with me to get the best spot at the lunch table. No big deal. Until she started shouting at me for being faster than her and getting to sit in that spot. She scared me a lot.
She also forced me to watch shows, that i'm pretty sure were for 16+ audiences, where there were cops and ambulanced and everything that comes with hospitals (i cant really say anything too specific because of the the rules)
She wouldnt let me out of the room until the episode was finished. I remember at one point just breaking down crying because the ambulance series horrified me.
The breaking point came when I was maybe 9 and she 11-12. It was someones birthday and we where all at her house. We kids decided to go play hide and seek. So it was me, Willow, her brother,her friend and two other kids. all of them ranging from the ages 11-16.
They took me to the courtyard of an old church and told me to go and hide while laughing about something. So i did that, but when after maybe half an hour it was getting darker and darker and i couldnt hear their voices anymore, i started getting scared. I went out of my hiding spot and sure enough: nobody was there anymore.
Now picture this: a scared, almost hysterical, 9-year-old in the courtyard of a church where we weren't even allowed to be, with no phone, only a basic idea about where i was and it was already quite dark. I've since gone back to the church and turns out we really were trespassing.
They actually abandoned me there. Now i realise that they were laughing about me trusting them not to abandon me.
I somehow found my way to the main road from which i knew the way back to Willows house. But it still took me maybe half an hour, in which it was now completely dark.
When i got back the adults were surprised to see me back alone. They questioned me where the others were but i just lied and told them they'd dropped me off before going off to the next playground. I was already terrified of what would happen when they returned home and saw me there. I really didn't wanna get into more trouble with Willow than necessary.
Fortunatly we left before the others returned and that was the end of that story. No one mentioned anything about that night ever again. I hope i gave them a good scare when they realised i was nowhere to be found in the courtyard.
Now i often simply refuse to speak to her more than i have to. My mother is very confused about this and says i should let go of the past (she knows about the outbursts and shows) but whenever i look at her i see the bully she used to be. Mother says i have no reason to dislike her because she was still a child who didnt know better. I think i might be in the wrong because i cant let go of something that happened over 7 years ago
So am i the AH for disliking her?

Prologue
Hello and welcome to my post. I will subdivide this into two large parts. One will cover my thoughts, feelings, my hopes and dreams...While the other will tell you the specifics of how I pass the time, what topics interest me, what passions do I posses. I believe that at the end of this leap into my inner world, you dear reader, will have all the necessary information to judge whether we are compatible or not.

Part I
I am writing this in the hopes of finding something that I lack. Lately I have had this feeling, this tinge of melancholy within the dephts of my being, this yearning to find a kindred spirit, another Soul, much like mine, to form a bond with. Perhaps Loneliness is the right word for what is bothering me, but to use it seems to carry with it a connotation of ungratefulness. Ungratefulness for the people that I do have in my life, although none of them, of course, have the connection to me that I seek here.

I have found it increasingly necessary to seek in this Life a sort of purity of thought. What I mean is, I have began to undestand what ideas and concepts are ultimately compatible with my inner most Self, ergo what guidelines I have to follow to feel the most whole. Naturally I have likewise realised what I cannot add to my Self and what I will henceforth reject with all the power that I posses.

With this new context in mind, I now follow on the path of self improvement. I will now begin to mold my Self into my perfected idea of how the Self should be. This is certainly a significant undertaking, one that will not be easy to follow through on but one that I ultimately have to do. To me such context is essential. It is akin to a Guiding Star shining in the night. I will follow this Star for without it I am lost in the vast Darkness.

Looking back at my life, it was suboptimal, especially if one compares the way it molded me to how I will now mold myself. I suppose I must look on with a hint of regret at all that time which one might consider to be lost. Still... I try to stave off such decisively negative interpretations, after all, I have ultimately came to these conclusions. That means that somewhere along the line I had to have picked up on enough of such ideas for them to become so cemented in my consciousness. Well, either that or I was always like this, but in that case I can at least thank my life up to this point for not being able to supress such manifestations of my inner most Self.

To add to the topic of my life, I must admit that not all the battles have yet been won, not all the Demons vanquished, not every Mountain climbed. I want you to keep such things in mind when deciding whether or not to approach me. Many will shy away, I undestand that much, but the pursuit of true Companionship is just another such battle. Having said all that I do believe that being able to overcome hurdles together carries with it a certain appeal. That is to say, what's the fun in joining once the Game is already over?

I don't shy away from such challenges, perhaps to a fault. Certain troubles that I faced in the past carry with them a long shadow over my current health and well being. Still, I intend to change little in this regard other than the proficiency with which I will clash the current of my Will against the cliffs of Life.
Part II
In this part of my post I will tell you about my interests and hobbies, I will try to be thorough, commonality in this regard is rather important to build a relationship
History. I have had an interest in history for almost a decade now, it started back in school and developed from there. Well, now that I think about it one could argue that it started even earlier in my life as I liked watching the odd historic documentary or film aired on television but it wasn't regular back then, I never actively sought it out. I am mostly interested in European history in the period between the 18th-20th century but I sometimes branch out to other time periods and other parts of the world. I watch various channels related to history and read articles and sometimes books. I have recently got a few books on the German revolution of 1848/1849 and a historical magazine on the Thirty Years' War. Besides that I try to visit museums sometimes.
Literature. Especially old novels. I like to immerse myself in the Worlds of these books, I tend to read them while listening to thematically fitting music and take my time with them. One time you are following a troubled Youth in his quest for spiritual understanding of the world, another you see the aged and decrepit Doctor gambling his very Soul on the promises of abtaining satisfaction in earthy pleasures, then again your olfaction notices the most pleasant scent known to man even as the one eminating it has the appearance of a revolting Frog. These and many other stories open up to you once you decide to set foot into the literary World.
Languages. I know three, with one being a bit rusty. I am currently working intently on strengthening it. I believe that if I continue to apply myself in this regard then I should be able to finally conquer it. What language am I working on? Well, if you were to stack all the major works in it they would be as tall as a house... It is fun to go through different works in multiple languages, the same goes for film, games and such.
Games. I recently played Cyberpunk 2077. Well as recently as I played any major story centric game. Now that the dust has settled and the bugs mostly removed...It's not that bad. The main questline at least. Besides that I tried Fallout 76 (Very average, I'm dissapointed with what they made the "RPG" system) and I might give Deus Ex Manking Divided another spin (since it's somewhat similar to Cyberpunk when it comes to its aesthetics). Dark Souls is one of my favorite series, I still haven't beaten Elden Ring though. When it came out I wasn't in the right mindset to invest a hundred hours into it, with all those bosses and difficult locations. I think I'll only consider playing it if I am streaming it to someone. I am generally interested in either streaming games or having the person I am talking to stream them to me. To be specific I mean streaming to a single person while being on call. Besides that I'm a big fan of Paradox strategy games, especially Europa Universalis IV and Heats of Iron IV, I tend to only play single player since I find multiplayer with many people to be rather stressful but on the other hand I have nothing against a co-op game. I'm not the best player though, despite the ammount of hours I have in them. Another great game I would mention would be Dragon's Dogma. A very underrated RPG. I recently beat it again and it was an atmospheric and interesting experience. It is one of those games that feel like they have an endless ammount of depth and constant new secrets to discover.
Anime and Manga. In recent times my interest in them has waned but I still watch the occasional series here and there. Like Cyberpunk Edgerunners (Which I found to be rather mediocre) and the very good first season from the new arc of Bleach. Some of my favourite series include: Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Death Note, Fate;Zero, Psycho Pass, Code Geass and Attack on Titan. I wouldn't mind if you were to introduce me to some new series, maybe based on the ones I mentioned. My favourite Manga is Berserk which I still follow, althought I am still not certain on the direction that the new author is taking. I suppose it really is a matter of contention whether a somewhat (or considerably warped) vision is better than an unfinished work. One could argue that a few novels remain unfinished and possess a macabre appeal to them as such.
Music. Classical music has a very special place in my heart. A few of my favourite pieces would be: Clair de Lune, Nocturne Op. 9 No.2, Devil's Trill Sonata, Danse Macabre, Valse Sentimentale, Symphony No. 7 in A Major, Op. 92: II. Alegreto (by Beethoven) and Suite from Swan Lake, Op. 20a: I. Scene. Moderato. There are more but these ones always invoke something in me when I listen to them. Besides Classical I also enjoy listening to Synthwave, old Western pop and J-pop, both modern and from the 20th century.
Esotericism. I am interested in things spiritual, mystical, magical and esoteric. I have read religios texts, magical grimoires, introductions to various schools of thought. It is interesting to me.
Epilogue
Hopefully I was able to cast the spotlight upon my inner World in a clear and unequivocal manner. I feel the need to add to the aforementioned that I am rather introverted, which means that I tend to dislike large social gatherings. I managed to condition myself to be able to endure the presense of large groups of people but it isn't something that I would seek out in most cases. Besides that I am neurodivergent and suffer from certain issues with mental health. I have to take medication to keep myself under control. They work well enough but certain days are harder than others. I respect the struggle that others have with mental health but in the context of a relationship I have my limits, no one with BDP for instance. I am also not looking for anything casual. I understand than one cannot demand depth and meaning from a conversation with an absolute stranger, that is akin to trying to build a sand castle right before the waves strike but I ask at least that you enter with a mindset that this might become something of significance. I also do want to say that I am completely Monogamous. My preference? The sickly, pale, intellectual who watches rain droplets slide down the window in Autumn. Lastly, if I enjoy the company of a person I tend to not want to let them go.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and have a good day. I ask that you send a DM instead of a chat and that you give your thoughts on my title in the opening of your message.
Goodbye...Or perhaps untill we meet again

Kinda related to maths but i cant think of a sub to post it in so posting it here. (if this is not the right place please suggest me a sub)
So the thing is since i was young i was a very curious child i always created trouble for my parents like i use to do random experiments (that's what i called them but i just did random messing around with things to see what happens when xyz) so like my parents use to scold me for that then like as a grew up the education system in my country(india) just killed my curiosity and interest in all science and maths because the schools were too marks oriented like everything here is just marks oriented no one cares about child's curiosity even if u ask them they say its out of scope or if u suggest a different method (and lets say its wrong) they say just stick to what we tell u dont waste time. so like over time it killed my curiosity i just got worse and worse because i cant do well in subjects that i dont like (but like i did good in computers and studied too much out of course stuff like put 2 years of my most crucial years of high school in it instead of doing maths and sciences more). So like now i am just avg in sciences and maths i got my curiosity back like now i again want to understand things but now i have a different problem one is time (cuz i have to now really focus on marks so i can get into a good clg for my engineering degree) and the second is i get jealous a lot like i a lot.
So like the main thing i want to ask is how to not get jealous of kids who are just soo god at young ages like u come accross soo many kids who are just soo gud at their subjects and everyone is supporting them do better. like i hear story about gauss who solved 1 + 2 + 3 + ... + 100 when he was young in a very interesting way like he was so gud when i hear about young kids doing so good i feel jealous of them i get frustrated i feel like why was i not able to do that why am i not that smart just why. like even when i try hard i cant come up with something very good and smart which some person has not already came up with in past. i once tried to make a formula for some geometry problem and i generalized it just to find that some person 100's of year ago did that. also i waste a lots of time like this and that affects my grades and then my parents say stuff like "ohh you say u are smart(i never said) why cant u get good marks" "you always waste time in useless stuff( yes the subjects i like and when i study some small topic in deep) why u not getting good grades". like i accept that i am lazy and leave stuff for last hour because i never feel like doing that like everthing that is in my course that can get me marks i just hate that beacuse everyone is just grades grades grades like hell with grades i just wanna study man. like ik getting grades is also very important but like i always end up getting jealous and upset when i am studying because i am not smart enuf. when i do maths i try to think of new and easier ways to solve a problem and waste hours on it (i fail 70% of the times) and then i feel sad that i wasted time and i am not smart enuf. Also another problem i have is over confidence (i like to think i am very good and smart and i can be better than others around me) and like when i give my exams and i am doing good and i am solving all questions correctly then i get very happy and then i try to solve the paper faster and then i just make silly mistakes and then i get less score and everyone just again they say i am just bad.
Can someone please tell how to get smarter and better and also maintain good grades and my the stuff i am studying rn a childs play for me( like i did that in computers i grinded for 3 years did programing all day long and like studied a lots and lots of stuff and all exams i gave appeared like childs play i helped other by explaining concepts which teacher cant explain well (cuz most of them lack deep understanding) and i really really feel good when i teach someone about the subjects which i like and i am very good at that works like a reward for me to study more). Can someone please advise me how to get on the lvl of great people like gauss and euler (like ik it sounds so funny like they were really really smart people but i still wanna give it my all).

I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) For a year, we met when I was 18 and he was 21. My relationship is complicated with him, as we both struggle with our mental illnesses and dealing with school/ work. I’m the only one who to therapy and he used to be but it had gotten expensive for him. Whenever we would have arguments, he was more emotionally charged and more anxious. I am not, I’m more avoidant in conversations because of how he can spaz out sometimes, he’s screamed at me other times because of my tone or aggressiveness (We’re from New York City so it’s a bit of a habit so I get that). And it makes me feel detached a lot of the time because I don’t want to do this with him. I also feel as if he is manipulating me and putting so much onto me in general. We had been on the phone for a while debating about something someone said, a known psychologist . I forgot what his thought was but, I remembered that psychologist from somewhere on social media and I remembered he had some views that I felt were misogynistic and I had said that I thought the guy was a POS out loud. My boyfriend was not too keen on that and said like you don’t have to say it like that, I’m giving him anxiety about me taking about another man’s conservative views and character. To be honest, I genuinely don’t even know why he was upset about it but it’s nothing to me to apologize because I can get excited or have an aggressive tone, it does nothing for me not to apologize.
Next day, I had upset him about saying something he did not want to hear and I was like trying to tell him later on I didn’t mean to offend him, and he groans loudly and tells me he didn’t want to talk about it. (He said he didn’t want ven care about what I said.) I felt some type of way about it because why couldn’t you just say that you did not care in the first place instead of having a mannerism that would suggest otherwise?
In the morning, he was going to work and I had brought it up to him how I felt. I had no attitude, I did not have a reason to pick a bone with him or argue and he just begins to start panicking and crying, saying that I was selfish and I should have never brought it up in the morning (which, that his boundary I did cross that but I thought it was acceptable because he had done the same thing before when he spoke to me about his anxiety and I had to sleep but he wanted to clear it.)
He goes to work and he’s just having a breakdown and I was on the phone with him, I genuinely don’t even know what to do when he’s just breaking down the way he is because I don’t know why he is crying like this in the first place. It sounds horrible. He tried to quit his job because of the stress of it all (me included) and it’s been bad ever since. Yesterday, he screamed at me on the phone because I was telling him how I feel in general about this and how I cannot always be there for him (like drop everything). I just feel so invalidated in how I feel (I’ve always acknowledged how he feels in general whilst saying what i think too. I’ll say ‘I understand how you feel (lengthy part to empathize) and i also feel like (my part.)’ and now his family hates me because I’m making him feel this way and he’s screaming. I’ve tried to go on a break with him before but he always persuades me to not ‘break’ up with him. He kept throwing jabs saying, “No one loves me… You don’t even care. You don’t feel bad, I feel betrayed by you.” I don’t know what to do, my therapist is gone for the week and I always look up to here and ask her if I had been wrong about anything I’ve done in my relationship, she says no but sometimes I feel like I need others words of wisdom, especially since I am younger and he is my first boyfriend. Even today, I had called him after and he had texted me something almost at 12 and I just said I saw your text but I didn’t know if I should respond to it. And he got angry at me, saying I keep disrespecting that boundary and last night should not be in my mouth. I tried to apologize but he said to leave him alone for the rest of the day. Am I wrong for being the way that I had been?
tl;dr: I wasn’t there for my boyfriend’s panic attack because of previous experiences with him and he resents me for it and he keeps screaming at me. i don’t know how we can move on.