Day 4 of using Linux Mint. Previously Ubuntu

1. VS Code Crashes Daily. It doesn't open, need to restart. Today Crashed Thrice, Restarted Thrice
   
2. Hangs, Freezes from time to time even browsing the internet (Browser: Chrome)
   
3. Left suspended and got some weird message. Had to shutdown.
   

Linux mint feels like terminaly ill person with makeup.

As a 25-year-old woman, I find myself at a crossroads in my career. Despite having a clear vision of what I wanted to achieve and working hard to get there, I'm now facing some unexpected hurdles that have left me feeling uncertain about my future. The fear of being "kicked out" of my job looms large, and I'm unsure of how to navigate these challenges.
It all started when I landed my dream job in marketing at a reputable firm. I was ecstatic and couldn't wait to dive in and prove myself. For the first few months, things were going well, and I felt like I was making a positive impact. But as time went on, I began to notice that I was being treated differently from my male colleagues. I was often left out of important meetings, and my ideas were frequently dismissed or overlooked.
At first, I tried to brush it off, thinking it was just a matter of time before things would change. But as the weeks turned into months, the situation only seemed to worsen. I started to feel isolated and undervalued, and my confidence took a hit. I began to dread going to work each day, and the thought of being let go filled me with anxiety.
One day, after a particularly difficult meeting where my contributions were once again ignored, I broke down in tears in the bathroom. That's when it hit me – I couldn't keep going on like this. Something had to change.
Determined to take control of my situation, I started researching ways to address workplace issues and discrimination. I discovered that I wasn't alone in my struggles – many women in their 20s face similar challenges in their careers. I learned about the importance of speaking up, advocating for myself, and seeking support from others.
Armed with this newfound knowledge, I decided to have a frank conversation with my supervisor about my concerns. To my surprise, she was receptive and empathetic, and we discussed ways to improve the situation. She encouraged me to speak up more during meetings and promised to create a more inclusive environment.
Over the next few weeks, I noticed a positive shift in the office culture. My colleagues began to listen to my ideas, and I felt more included in decision-making processes. I realized that by being brave enough to speak up, I had not only improved my own situation but also helped create a better work environment for others.
As I reflect on my journey, I've come to understand that facing challenges in your career is not a sign of failure but rather an opportunity for growth. By confronting these obstacles head-on and seeking support from others, I've grown both personally and professionally.
Looking to the future, I'm now more confident in my ability to navigate the ups and downs of my career. I know that I have the strength and resilience to overcome any challenge that comes my way, and I'm excited to see what the future holds.
In conclusion, my experience as a 25-year-old woman navigating career challenges has taught me the importance of self-advocacy, seeking support, and embracing growth opportunities. By sharing my story, I hope to inspire others facing similar situations to take control of their careers and create positive change in their workplaces.

Stars are falling, Celeste is here (CJ too!), shops are open, and I really need to clean out my closet. Come visit!
Rules:

1. Please leave via the airport.
2. DIYs are all piled on the front beach, immediately to the left of the airport. Take all you want, but please learn them all on site -- don't take any recipes you can't use; leave them for others.
3. Please don't pick up any moss, mushrooms, or flowers, or shake my trees! I'd be happy to give you some if you ask.
4. PM me for my Dodo code!

Lido 84 is, so far, my favorite restaurant in Italy. I had their 9-course "History" menu with the "Rigatoni Cacio e Pepe en Vessie" added two weeks ago. In terms of taste, it truly stands out from many other good restaurants, not only in Italy but around the world. I can't wait to go back and try their other tasting menus.
The only dish I wasn't a fan of on the menu was the "Pennoni Pasta and Sea Urchins." I've had much better taste of sea urchin in the past, and the texture of the pasta wasn't quite what I expected. It was a bit like a sticky panne-shaped dough that was still hard in the center.
With that being said, I did have some experiences that I would like to share:

1. Lido 84's remote location presented a bit of a challenge. I left early from Limone sul Garda, arriving at the restaurant gate 20 minutes before my reservation time at 7:30 pm. But the gate was still closed. Before I could ring the bell, a kind man, I believe a neighbor, informed me that they only open at or after 7:30 pm. This was a surprise, but I later learned online that it might be a cultural difference. Arriving too early at Italian restaurants can sometimes be seen as rude (please correct me if it is wrong).
   
2. Lido 84 offers non-alcoholic pairings for their menus, and while some were interesting creations, I felt they didn't always enhance the flavor of the dishes themselves.
   
3. Mine was delicious, but at a nearby table, I heard the staff yell "Stop!". They were trying to prevent the guests from eating their "Rigatoni Cacio e Pepe en Vessie." The staff explained that the chef didn’t approved of the dish and would send back and remake it after tasting a sample taken from their "vessie." I understand the chef can't taste beforehand since the opening of the "vessie" is part of the presentation, but it was a bit comical nonetheless.
   
4. The wait times between some courses were quite long, with the longest exceeding 20 minutes. I overheard conversations between staff and other tables mentioning that there might be some new staffs in the kitchen, which could explain the delays. However, this was not something I've typically encountered at fine dining restaurants.
   
5. After finishing our shared "main" dessert, we sat for over 10 minutes and paid the bill, preparing to leave. However, the staff stopped us and apologized, explaining they had forgotten to serve our final dessert course. This lapse did detract a bit from the professionalism of the experience. It's doubtful that the service lapse was the reason they didn't earn their second Michelin star, as the food itself was certainly worthy of the recognition.
   

I would like to add a last note that Lido 84 reservations for weekdays are quite easy to snag. Just be sure to be on the website when they open!

Well I guess that I have to start somewhere, so why not the end! I’ve been disowned for the umpteenth time by my parents (or rather by my mum because over the years, Dad has just learned to go along with whatever she says out of duress!) This has all been as a result of my having visited them in Hay ( a 700 kilometre round trip might I add) because my Dad’s brother passed away this week and it was Mother’s Day. I thought that I’d go to show my condolences and to wish my mother and sister who also lives there a happy Mother’s Day and bring them all some hand made gifts, I’m a bit sentimental like that.
I have taken to the craft of making pebble art. The gift that I made for my mother was of an image depicting my family with my parents, my sister and I and my brother who’s passed away, as he is handing my mum a bunch of flowers. I made one for my dad depicting he and my Nan (his mother) fishing at their favourite fishing spot; my Nan passed away just last month as well and I thought it’d be a nice gesture, then I gave my sister one as well with a quote about sisters being joined by the heart.
The first day, Friday, that my husband, daughter and I came there was okay. It always is especially when I’ve not seen them for six months or more! We catch up, mum talks about her very many health conditions, she then complains a little bit about everything and everyone but it’s not over the top at this point because she and my dad are kept busy opening gifts and seemingly happy to see us! But we had decided before coming that we were going to stay in separate accommodation for the weekend with the knowledge that things with my mother usually go sour very quickly! And if we’re not having to stay at their home when it does then we can at least retain some mental stability throughout our trip! This would normally be a point in which I’d let out a bit of a chuckle or if I’m texting or writing a social media post, that I’d add the LOL at the end of that statement, simply due to the stupid realisation that unfortunately it is so very true that it’s almost comical, remembering in my mind the very many times that her very predictable unstable behaviour kicks in at around the 24 hour mark and doesn’t often dissipate until well after we’ve left if not months later! I have no clue as to why I’m still surprised by this occurrence?! Perhaps it’s because it is so unbelievably erratic and shocking to anyone that witnesses it that still even now it’s hard not only to watch unfold but to believe!
But sadly as a result of these personally flips, she lashes out in anger, she can become nasty and callous, her comments are cold and uncaring, she can become physically aggressive, and the damage done during these times can be hard to ever overcome, especially if she aims any comment or remark at you! It is during these times that you know in your soul that she has not a single care for you, not an ounce, and that the only attention or compassion shown towards you as her child or friend is one of obligation out of her need to keep up appearances with those who are still weaved in her web of “social media” deception! She wouldn’t dare lift a finger for anyone in person! But just the fact that we pre decided to obtain alternative accommodation was possibly one of the triggers I was already prepared would set her off, as we would usually choose to stay with her and dad in their spare room over crowded with belongings of the past and present, not unlike the rest of their home.
With this alone, one would see that she has an overwhelming need to retain old memories, be them bad or good. She still literally keeps every ounce of clothing I’ve ever passed on to her since well before I had children which was 27 years ago! Looking in her wardrobe, there are outfits there I remember her wearing when I was a teenager! Her bathroom still retains the $2 gifts (still in their packaging) that us kids bought for her from school Mother’s Day stalls, and the Mary Kay makeup I used to steal when I was attending high school!
Her kitchen still holds the Amway cookware she purchased for hundreds of dollars before I can remember! And to make matters worse, even some of the food in her pantry is from supermarkets no longer operating! Over the years, her hoarding has been a bit of a thorn in dad’s side, having lived a life of drifting from house to house, town to town, moving around as often as they have, having to cart it all along with them and something us kids (myself, my brother and sister) have always found funny to pick on her about, but in writing this, it is easy to see that her need to keep the past fresh in her mind and under her nose is a sickness all In itself.
Whilst we were visiting, we visited my sister in her little unit. It’s like walking back into the 70s and equally as much as a step back in time like my mother’s house! My sister has been diagnosed with schizophrenia which when first diagnosed was apparently drug induced, however; going from the lifestyle we were forced to live as the children to my parents and their lifestyle choices plus my brother and I having been diagnosed with conditions and disorders of our own, putting the puzzle pieces together as to how we’ve all accumulated mental health diagnoses isn’t that difficult taking into consideration that neither one of my parents exerted any kind of maternal instincts at all! And not even as us kids have grown and struggled through our lives, we had always been told by them that once we turned 18 we’d no longer be their “problem” anymore!
My sister’s name is Julie. She moved in with my mum and dad after one of her countless admissions to the psychiatric hospital in Bendigo, having absconded from their independent living facility which is meant to be a monitored introduction back into society after a mental health admission, but she always left before she gave the chance for them to find her accommodation that wasn’t with her abusive ex husband and 4 children.
Sitting down with her in her home, hearing all about the time she’s lived in Hay both with and near my parents, how our mum would bail her up sometimes (which had happened recently) even physically, how she’s thrown dishes at her and how she abuses her denying her food for being overweight on a daily basis… how she calls her fat and crazy… there’s literally a Myriad of abuse in all its forms being dished out to Julie, and yet, because she has nowhere else to go, like the situation my brother was in living with them on and off before he passed away (under questionable circumstances in my opinion) she has no choice but to endure it… and it saddens me to hear about it all let alone see it going on right before my eyes! Especially when the exact same denigrating comments about being useless, overweight, a waste of a life and criticism about the way she’s living her life, the choices she’s making and what she chooses to eat etc etc was also drilled into my brother by my parents and whispered to all that they spoke too for many many years before by brother lost his life.
I know through my own experience having lived with her that her poisonous mouth can lead a person to questioning your mere existence, your reason for living and remove all self esteem in a single spat with her! In 2013 I took an overdose due to a gross level of mental health issues and past trauma which I couldn’t deal with. My parents were living with us at the time and my youngest daughter exhibited some challenging behaviours… my mum found it difficult to cope with her however she made no attempt at patience or compassion and so in a fleeting moment she’s said to my daughter “if I was your mother I would’ve killed myself a long time ago!”
Wow! Just WOW! The above mentioned examples of how toxic my mother is… after only explaining to you the very tip of the iceberg in these few paragraphs, even I am second guessing writing this at all, and I’m finding it hard to fathom how I can rehash the past and get into more detail about the really bad situations! Not to mention, go into my life right from childhood until now with her and my father which is yet to come!
Writing this down, whether I share it here or not is going to be a huge journey for me that’ll take a lot of courage and open some really raw emotions… bring back old memories that I’ve suppressed and disassociated myself from… there will undoubtedly be many trigger points that I will go into which some people might become affected by, including me, but mine is a life that was, is and continues to be a challenge day in and day out… it’s something I’ve had to survive, a life and reality that I still struggle so much with but least attempt to cope with and in some way, I hope that my story will be able to shine a light on just how the importance of love, attention, affection and nurturing in our childhood really do mould the person we eventually become…

Saturday morning I dreamt a white horse befriended me. The horse hated the owner, but would not leave me alone. As in, it tried to cuddle me on a couch impressively successfully. I woke up to my alarm as I had a flight that day.
This morning, at around five am I had a dream I was riding in a car in the back seat. In the car behind me, I could hear the people speaking… the man was silent but the woman I could hear clearly. She asked if my name was really my name, to the man next to her I suppose. I turned to see the man, I could not see the woman as I was improperly placed to do so. The man looked caught off guard that I could hear them. I asked, how do you know my name? She responded, the spirits told her. I asked who it was. She said a lot of them. There were many spirits attached to me. The next thing I know the man is standing in front of me and the woman has her hand in my chest holding me from the inside with her left hand and the right was placed firmly on the top of my head. She stayed behind me, so I still could not see her. She seemed calm and asked the man, has she offended me? Why are there so many with her? Again I could not hear the man and his mouth did not move. She then spoke to me, you’ve seen what shouldn’t have been seen, and I will try to help. Her voice and inflection were that of reassurance. The feeling of her hand through my back and into my body, as well as my head intensified. It wasn’t pain, just pressure but an odd sort of pressure. Then she said, there’s just too much. My husband irl appeared in the dream and her and the man vanished. My husband asked what had just happened and I responded that I couldn’t explain it if I tried. He told someone nearby to check the cameras for the last three minutes of footage. I woke up.
I consulted a pagan friend who suggested I look into Vodou with particular interest in the deities associated with death or spirits. I came across Mamon Brigitte and Baron Samedi. I am from the Deep South and have a mixture of all sorts. Is it possible these two visited me and why?

Okay so, this will probably be long so buckle in.
About a month and a half ago a friend of mine, we'll call them K. K recently found out that the apartment they had been staying in wasn't going to be renewing their lease and if they didn't move their things by the end of day that the landlord would be starting the eviction process. As someone who has faced houselessness before, I offered to hold some of their stuff at my place temporarily and get them to the hotel they would be staying at until they could move into their new place. No biggie right? Wrong. After helping them move their stuff and getting them to the hotel, they stayed in communication with them so we could help them move the stuff from our house to their new place, and the day before they were supposed to move they got let known that they opted to go with another rental applicant instead. K and their partner, who we'll call J, started really panicking about having to keep paying for a motel without on paper jobs and unreliable income. Keep in mind I actively live in a low income complex myself and, cannot have guests, for more than 14 days at a time according to my lease. J had just gotten a lead on a job closer to my house so I offered to let them stay for the 14 day limit I'm allowed to have guests, so that they could get a paycheck in and be able to go to a cheaper motel close by to their job. Another thing they agreed to was making sure that there was no evidence of them staying in my house, and that they had to be gone during the inspection window m-f from 8am to 5pm. I know, I'm probably going to be told more than once how stupid this is or I am, but I need to vent about this before I lose my mind more than I have already.
Carrying on, my partner is working at the same place as J, so J had a reliable ride to this job. My first red flag with J was that J used almost all of their points within their first week at the new job for a myriad of reasons. First time was because K didn't feel good and didn't want to be left home alone. Fine. I thought it was really ignorant to start off on the wrong foot with a new job but whatever. Second time was because J didn't have lunch to take to work and can't work on an empty stomach. After this absence J explained to their boss that they were struggling to work on an empty stomach, so boss agrees to reach out to a local food bank to get some lunches packed for J and my partner for work every day so they don't have to work on empty stomachs every day until they start getting paid. J declined bosses offer because they didn't want the food pantry food offered to them. Third time J doesn't go in is yet again for K not feeling good and convincing J to stay home. Well , and today we found out at the last minute before they were supposed to be at work that J had been fired for accepting an overtime shift on Saturday and then no call no showing that shift. J had been at this job less than 3 weeks. Which is 1 week longer than I agreed to. Here's the kicker, I live with and care for a disabled woman who has very very severe anxiety, and K & J keep going behind my back to talk to her and lie about things they'll do for her to keep being allowed to stay here. And I'm going to bullet point all of the just outright shitty things these people have done since they got here, and before anyone tells me to make them leave; involving the cops is out of the question as it risks our housing, and they should be gone in the next couple of days.
-they have harassed me over cannabis since the day we helped them move their things. I live in a recreational state but consume for medical purposes.
-they have repeatedly paid back other people that they owe money instead of me or my partner and admitted that to our faces
-they keep 'accidentally' mixing my partners clothes with theirs and then wearing them in front of me. Keep in mind they're a, size small and my partner wears a 3x there's no confusing their shirts
-I have a deep freezer that I've been working hard to stockpile since covid hid and inflation has made grocery shopping so hard, and they've eaten every single thing out of my deep freezer.
-they have raided my entire pantry as well.
-they've thrown out my leftovers without asking me because they themselves don't eat leftovers
-they switched their visitations with their child from 4 hours on Tuesday nights to entire weekends without asking
-they took my partners special broth he had bought specifically to make something, opened it, and didn't even read the packaging, put it open back into my cabinet and it molded. Im allergic to mold :
-they've been asked repeatedly not to knock on my doors after my bedtime hours because my partner works early mornings and has a hard time sleeping; then proceed to message me one time and wait precisely 0.2 seconds for a response and then knock on my door anyways.
-they use my shower and leave hair, clog my drain, and don't ask anyone if they have to use the bathroom before they use it to shower for over an hour. I have also repeatedly asked them not to leave their dirty clothes on my bathroom floor and they won't.
-they argued about having to leave for the inspections and promised they would help clean during them and then stayed in the area they weren't allowed to be in for every day of the inspections and didn't do anything they said they would do.
-they keep having blowout fights in my basement and as I already stated the woman I care for has severe clinical anxiety. She did agree to this arrangement but I guess it's true that even if you think you know someone you really don't till you live with them.
-K has been smoking my cigarettes for days and doesn't replace them but won't buy their own pack
-they've been asked not to come upstairs unless it's to use the bathroom (not shower) during our quiet hours and they won't stop doing that either.
I'm sure there's more I'm missing but I'll answer any questions about it I guess. These people have gotten me so stressed out that my stress induced seizures, that I've had under control for over a year now have come back with a, vengeance and are happening almost every day, I'm getting migraines with aura, my hair is falling out in clumps, and another stress induced ailment I deal with is ALSO flaring up because of the stress. Don't need advice or anything just wanted to vent how frustrated I am 🥲

The story: I ordered a drop in pixel crystal chamber from Exegol Outpost on Etsy. The 3D printed one. Wait two weeks, no updates, messaged the seller. Get a response from Occisor Vilicus telling me the delay was because they moved from 3D printing them to a full metal housing. Ok, cool! Bonus upgrade.
Two more weeks, nothing. Reach out. Still waiting on oversees sintering of the metal housing. Shouldn’t me more than another week or two. Great. Patience is a virtue.
Two more weeks, reach out, no response until I message again asking to just refund the order. He responds instantly refunding the order and saying sorry, have a good one.
I say “you too.” THEN a long-winded explanation of how the overseas supplier dropped the ball and he had to switch suppliers. I respond by stating an update or heads up on the complication would have been preferable to ten more days of silence, but there’s no hard feeling, and good luck. Done.
Nope! Another message comes through “it’s the busy season with Star Wars and school kids 🤷🏼‍♂️”. Literally with the shrug emoji.
I ignore this because now I’m kind of actually angry at the nonchalant attitude. I wasn’t going to say anything. I wasn’t going to make this post. But then…
ANOTHER message comes through about how he’s still recovering from a last minute trip to San Francisco for the private screening of the 25th Anniversary of Phanton Menace.l?!?!?
Still recovering? Nine days later? Must’ve been some trip. Glad you were having a blast and enjoying an event I couldn’t attend, all while I had money tied up in an order I wasn’t getting updates on from you.
I’m supposed to feel sorry for you while you complain about supply issues and humble brag about how your private LucasFilm screening Phantom Menace trip has you still wrecked as the reason you couldn’t take five minutes to shoot an update to an until-now-VERY-patient customer??! Should have stopped at “have a good one” and left it at that. Un-freaking-believable.

Stars are falling, Celeste is here (CJ too!), shops are open, and I really need to clean out my closet. Come visit!
Rules:

1. Please leave via the airport.
   
2. DIYs are all piled on the front beach, immediately to the left of the airport. Take all you want, but please learn them all on site -- don't take any recipes you can't use; leave them for others.
   
3. Please don't pick up any moss, mushrooms, or flowers, or shake my trees! I'd be happy to give you some if you ask.
   
4. PM me for my Dodo code!
   

I (f) have a medium size close friend group, and one of my friends let’s call Katie. Katie has been obsessing over this boy, who we’ll call Josh, for about 4 months. She off-and-on has been saying that she does or doesn’t like him, until last week where she admitted to telling us that she has liked him the whole time. We have supported her the whole time, even tho most people (including her) were doubtful of Josh liking Katie back. That was until we recently had a class retreat where he was clearly showing interest and almost sitting next to her. We were all kind of surprised bc Josh usually never really shows his feeling very clearly, but we were also happy he did. The next day, Josh kept talking about Katie, such as him saying the pencil she gave him writes better, that she’s pretty, etc. Katie then tells us at the end of the day that she’s unsure if she still likes him, but probably still does. By the next week, everything went crazy. Katie had began to show a bunch of people texts Josh sent to her, talking about how he genuinely likes her, and how they don’t have to move too fast but how he wants to get to know her, sit with her, and talk with her. He also texts about how he is nervous to say all of this. Katie left all of his texts on read. She then tells us that she no longer likes him and hasn’t since the retreat, and that she’s realized that she is way better than him. She also “jokingly” blames all of this on us?! My friends and I are astonished. Josh typically never opens up to people, and hasn’t shown clear interest in any other girl before, so we were moderately upset for her treating him like this. We told Katie that she shouldn’t be telling everyone about this, and said that we are on his side (obviously we wouldn’t tell HIM that, but we wanted to hold her accountable). At lunch, she sat at a different table. She came over to our table and just stood there. We told her about how she shouldn’t have led him on and then tell everyone about him being vulnerable and how she shouldn’t blame us for her mess. We told Katie to tell Josh her current feelings nicely, but for a while, she refused. Josh is oblivious to her not having feelings anymore so he almost sits next to her during a school event, but decides against it. He texts her about how he’s sorry he didn’t sit with her, where she responds by saying that it’s fine because she likes sitting with her friends, and the reason she is saying that is because they are just friends (!!!!!) after we had told her to at least tell him softly face to face. So Reddit, AITA? Context: we never told her that she was in the wrong for just not liking him anymore, and made that clear to her. It was more about how she treated the situation

Hey there! I'm working on a story in my head and wanted to know what the likely charges would be for a would-be shooter in a rather complex situation. Specifically:

1. The shooter (who is in an extremely distraught mental condition to begin with) brought a gun from their home, owned by their police commissioner father and stored in a gun safe they know the combination to beforehand for the sake of home safety/self defense, to school with the intention of killing a specific person
   
2. They pull out the gun in class and aim it at the intended target, who begins laying into them as a result of not taking the situation seriously
   
3. A law enforcement officer who had a premonition of this happening (assume this premonition has no legal bearing otherwise) draws his firearm in the classroom and manages to almost talk the shooter down, and they're moments away from dropping the weapon when...
   
4. The intended target suddenly loses her temper, demands the officer stops "coddling" the shooter, and attempts to grab the firearm from her
   
5. This results in the weapon discharging into her chest and the bullet hitting another person just behind her. While they are both severely injured, the intended target with a sucking chest wound that results in part of her lung having to be removed, and the person behind her getting hit in the side of the chest but not passing all the way through, neither of them end up dying
   
6. The shooter panics, essentially (and provably) dissociates, and runs out, firing the weapon at several people in the hall but ultimately not hitting anybody else, before the officer manages to talk her down on the roof
   

This is, as I said, a very complex situation and I'm genuinely stumped as to what the shooter would even be charged with in this situation. Any tips?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Glitter_Mask
AITAH for not cooking for my husband's friend?
Originally posted to AITAH
TRIGGER WARNING: Manipulation, misogyny
Original post May 4, 2024
So I 24F got off work a bit ago. My husband 24M had some friends over playing card games for the evening and I knew that before I got home.
I came home and saw they had ordered pizza and I don't overly like that pizza brand (dominoes is nasty imo) so I said hi to everyone and started making a frozen ramen. Now my frozen ramen are from a local place and are delicious and not very cheap, but they are my favorite lazy meal.
So I was standing at the stove making my ramen and one of my husband's friends, Brian (fake name) started saying it smelt good. I replied that yes it is delicious and he should try them out sometime but they are pricey (about 16 CAD each). As it kept cooking he just kept saying things like "man that smells good" and "I'd kill for some ramen right now" and such. I just eventually told him that they run a special of buy 10 get 1 free (as I said they are fancy ramen, and very filling). He then said "Oh so you have more? Could you cook me one?"
Honestly I was put off by that. I had just worked for 8 hours and I had told him they aren't cheap.
I said "Well no, they are kind of my thing. I really recommend trying them out though". He clearly got a bit angry and had stopped their game at this point. He said "well its kind of unfair you are making one for yourself then and not making one for a guest. You should have just had pizza."
To be fair at this point my husband and the other guys stepped in and told Brian to chill out. My husband also told Brian that it was my food and I don't like the pizza.
It was pretty awkward and once my ramen was heated I took it to my desk in the other room and started typing this out. I was admittedly eavesdropping and I heard Brian leave shortly after I came to my desk.
I'm really wondering if I should have just made him a ramen because I feel the atmosphere of my husband's group might be ruined because of me.
So. AITAH for not cooking for my husband's friend?
Small update, the rest of the friends left, and husband came to talk to me. He apologized for Brian's behavior and explained that after I left, Husband asked Brian what his problem was. Brian said "whatever let's get back to the game" they all sat in discomfort for about 5 min, then Brian just got up and left. The rest of the gang finished the game, and then they went home. According to Husband, the group agreed that Brian was acting weird and rude. One of the guys volunteered to check on him tomorrow and tell him to apologize to us. So I'll update on that tomorrow, I guess. lol.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
deathtoallants

NTA. Brian should’ve written down the name of the store/brand and flavor on a memo so he could go buy it later. This might be pushing it, but at most he could’ve asked for one bite on a small plate so he can at least taste test it before committing to buying 10 portions of an expensive ramen.
I’ve never heard of frozen ramen. Wtf

OOP

The store is a ramen restaurant and they simply sell their fancy homemade ramen as frozen for a few bucks cheaper. It is just noodles, meat (spicy chicken in my case), broth, and some veggies. Honestly I could make it at home but I'm lazy lol.
But I'm really relieved to see people saying I'm nta. I was getting really into my own head as I was sitting here so that's for the judgement

Update May 5, 2024
Hi all! I was very overwhelmed with the responses to the post. I was honestly just working myself up last night and needed to vent somewhere, I didn't really expect such a response. Thank you all for judgements, it was helpful.
Anyways to the update. Sorry it took the whole day, a lot happened.
The other friend that went to check on Brian, (Sam again fake name) tried calling him in the morning and didn't get a reply. Eventually Sam went to Brian's place and asked to talk.
Sam said it basically went down as him saying,
"You were being weird as hell with ME, what was that"
"I just didn't want dominoes and you guys didn't listen to me. I just wanted other food."
Sam and my husband also say that when the group was discussing food and one of them said just get dominoes, Brian didn't say any objection.
Sam then told him along the lines of "okay well you need to apologize to Husband and I"
Brian then said "yeah I'll apologize to husband"
Most of you readers will pick up what Sam picked up on, Brian didn't want to apologize to me.
Sam told him he mostly needed to apologize to me, it was me he spoke to and me he was rude to.
Brian then told him he'll "think about it" and asked Sam to leave.
Sam then came over and told us the conversation and I started writing the update for you guys.
As I started writing Brian called husband. He was talking very rushed, and I could hear him almost a room away.
"Yeah I'm sorry for last night. I don't think I want to attend game nights at your house though. I don't get along with Me"
Husband started getting kind of heated at that point, because Brian was talking very rapidly, like in a panic almost.
The argument kind of dissolved into a lot of what the comments brought up, my husband asking him was his problem was, is he just that misogynistic, why was he acting this way and such.
Husband said that Brian didn't really make sense during the "talk", making weird comments about other significant others of the guys (some of them are gay or poly), talking about the guys not 'sharing their time', and 'they (I assume he was talking about me and other partners) always ruin the energy and I can never enjoy the time with everyone".
Husband was a bit to angry to ask more and just told him to get himself sorted out and not to come over again.
The other guys are more concerned and think Brian is having a manic episode or is getting into Andrew Tate, as Brian is the last single one of them group. My husband kind of doesn't care through and told them to not involve him in Brian's issues.
For me I kind of don't know what to make of it. I feel bad for my husband because he is very stressed after it all. This isn't his only friend group but he has known these guys for many years. I think most commenter clocked it correctly, he is misogynistic and was just angry at my existence.
I doubt there will be another update, husband wants to step away from the whole thing for now. So thank you all again and have a good night!
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I'm (W50) I'm in a relationship with an older partner (M69) and he is complaining that I tell him I love him too frequently. He says it's not normal to have this on my mind all the time. I'm like, an infatuation stage of a relationship is usually considered normal and I've had a thing for him for years. I think telling someone youre head over heels for that you love them 1-2 times per day is not over the top.
He also finds me wanting to be close to him to be too much. I see him an average of 4 times per week in both work and personal settings. I tend to cuddle him a lot in the at-home settings because I don't have that option anywhere else.
I'm worried that my disorder is fogging my reaction to this because I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable. I grew up with chronic trauma and emotional deprivation. It left me believing I'm unlovable and this was one of the first people I believed actually loved me. Now he won't even discuss the situation and I feel hopeless. Thoughts appreciated, thanks.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AdhesivenessMurky204
Originally posted to AITAH
AITAH for separating from my husband because he refused to get a vasectomy?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: PTSD, mentions of abortion, domestic abuse, verbal abuse, sexual assault, rape
Original Post: April 28, 2024
My husband (28M, who I will call Jack) and I (27F) have been together for 4 years, we have 2 young children and I am pregnant again. I have been pregnant for what feels like most of our relationship. I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship. We got married a month before our daughter’s 1st birthday and ended up with a honeymoon baby. After our son was born, I talked to my OB and she put me on birth control and I have been taking it militantly.
My daughter is now 3 and my son is 2. A little over a month ago I discovered I am pregnant again, despite taking my birth control religiously. Abortion is banned in my state, and the pregnancy was discovered too far along to attempt to obtain one out of state. While Jack and I were nervous, we also love being parents and decided that 3 young kids would be a challenge, but 3 was a good number for us. Then we went in for the first ultrasound and got some unexpected news - it’s twins.
Things have been tough financially, and while we were stressed but excited for a third child, we were not expecting a third and fourth child. Beyond the finances, I am the primary caretaker and I know that twins is going to be a lot, three children under 5 is already a lot, but 4 children under 5 is going to be really really difficult for me. Physically, I am tired of being pregnant. I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding the majority of our relationship. It’s exhausting, it feels awful, and I don’t recognize my body anymore.
Four children is enough. I don’t want more. I told Jack that I was done with pregnancy, I’ve been pregnant enough, I’ve been experimenting with different types of birth control for over a decade and I still can’t stop getting pregnant, abortion isn’t a valid option where we live, we need something more permanent. He agreed, and suggested an IUD, I told him no - if it did fail then it could cause an ectopic pregnancy which could kill me, especially where we live. I’ve had both control fail me multiple times already and I’m not taking the chance, so I suggested a vasectomy. He was not open to the idea, and was even upset that I suggested it and told me I should get my tubes tied. I told him a tubal ligation is a much bigger surgery and I could be recovering for weeks during which time I wouldn’t be able to work or take care of our 4 young children, but he could ice his balls for a day or two and be done with it. He told me that not getting pregnant was ultimately my responsibility, and topped it off by saying “that’s what your body your choice means, YOUR body, so YOU choose.” That’s when it went from a discussion to a full blown fight.
See, when I was 19 I had another birth control failure with my boyfriend at the time (who I will call Tom). I wanted an abortion, Tom did not because he was opposed. I told him I was getting the abortion since it was my body and my choice, and Tom said some horrible things to me, including threatening me. I broke up with him and got the abortion. In response, Tom ended up following me one night and attacking me. I don’t want to go into detail but it was horrible, and he ended up going to prison for a number of charges related to the attack. Not only do I have a number of scars and some long lasting physical effects, but I have PTSD as well.
Jack knows about my history and diagnosis, and has known from the beginning. I have a pretty prominent facial scar so I was upfront about it early on in our dating. Jack always presented himself as very pro-choice, so I was shocked that he would say that. I got really emotional and started crying and shouting, and it turned into a full-blown fight.
Eventually I said that birth control is a two-way street and so far I’ve been the only one managing it and he said “and now we have 2 kids and 2 more coming, great job.” I told him he sounded like Tom and he got super pissed, basically said how dare you compare me to him, and maybe he might want kids one day with someone who doesn’t compare him to her felon ex-boyfriend. I was stunned and horrified. I said “well then let’s not waste any fucking time,”then packed up myself and the kids and drove to my parents place.
It’s been about a week since the fight. I’ve spoken with Jack a few times and he has since apologized and said he was out of line and was speaking from a place of anxiety after finding out about the twins, but also that I said things that were out of line and it was wrong of me to insist he undergo a medical procedure. He said that can move on from the things I said and that he wants to see his children and be a family again. I told him no, that I didn’t want to “move on” from the things he said to me. I can’t just get over that and I think we need space apart. Jack was upset by this and while we talked I brought up getting a separation agreement to manage custody and finances while we figure things out. He did not like this suggestion, said we didn’t need to pull the courts into this.
I haven’t told a lot of people about what’s happening but my family and a couple close friends. My sister and best friend both think I should throw the whole man away, but my brother (who is the only other one married with kids) thinks that I’m being extreme for what sums up to a fight between two scared people who both said nasty things. My mom is trying to be supportive but is occasionally reminding me that I “don’t want to be a single mother of 4” and telling me not to let my PTSD drive my decisions, while my dad is being completely unhelpful (he thinks jokes are helpful - like calling me Doorknob because I “can’t stop getting knocked up”, telling me to let the oven cool down, real knee-slappers). I don’t know what to do. My kids are happy to be at grandma and grandpas house but they miss their daddy, I’m 4 months pregnant and already uncomfortable as hell, I wish I could go back to being a happy little family but I’m so hung up on the things he said in that fight. Am I destroying my family over one bad night? Am I being unreasonable for asking my husband to get a vasectomy?
Edit: I've noticed a lot of people recommending condoms. I have gotten pregnant with condoms twice. Our second child and my first pregnancy were both conceived using condoms properly (correct fit, put on correctly, single use, not expired, no breaks, etc). I do not trust condoms enough to not fail a third time. I know the failure rate is supposedly small, but it's not personally small enough for me. Edit to the edit: I'm sorry, I didn't expect so many comments so fast and I can't keep up with them. By the first pregnancy I mean the pregnancy with Tom. With Jack I was on the patch when I got pregnant with our daughter, condoms with our son, and the pill with the twins. So far I haven't ever suspected that Jack has tampered with our birth control and always presumed that I'm a fertile Myrtle.
I recognize the comments and just want people to know I'm seeing the suggestion. I'm not dismissing it, but the thought of it is deeply upsetting and has provoked a lot of anxiety. I just wanted to make it clear that if the suggestion is only based on the condoms, that the condom pregnancies were with two different partners. While I know I always used condoms properly with Tom, I do believe that Tom could have been fully capable of sabotaging the condoms.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs and YTAs
Relevant Comments
deepsleepsheepmeep: NTA. Your husband is though. Your body has already been through A LOT. A tubal ligation is a serious surgery and you are right about being out of commission for a while when recovering. If he is more concerned with an imaginary future wife than he is for you, I don’t think there is much hope for this marriage.
We have 4 close friends who all got vasectomies. None of them bitched about it like your wimp of a husband. We actually had fun vasectomy themed parties for them.
On the off chance he does end up getting a vasectomy, make sure to do the follow up appointments. One of the vasectomy fab 4 did not follow through and ended up with a post-vasectomy baby.

OOP: Thank you, I feel like this is a lot of what has been so upsetting has been that he's thinking about some imaginary future wife when I'm right here, his actual wife, the mother of his children. It's like he's already imagining a future without me.

 
Update: AITAH for separating from my husband because he refused to get a vasectomy?: May 3, 2024
I didn’t expect so many comments and literally couldn’t go through them all. It seemed like the majority of people said I was NTA but I did get a lot of YTAs telling me I was trying to force him to get a medical procedure and telling me to get one instead. Besides already addressing my reasonings why I made my request in the original post (which I want you to read with real "per my last email" energy), I in no way am *forcing* him to have a medical procedure, but I am saying that I do not want to be with a partner who is not willing to be snipped. This is an issue of compatibility. The number of children you want, the methods of birth control you’re willing to use, those are issues of compatibility and a reason relationships end all the time. If he doesn’t want to be sterilized that’s fine, but then that means that we’re not compatible anymore, since it means he wants more children and I don’t. Beyond that there were some YTA comments and some DMs that were just nasty, calling me a murderer and saying my body is a cemetery. Sadly enough, I expected those types of comments, because I know there are a lot of Toms out in the world.
First I wanted to address a couple things that kept coming up, because last post turned into thousands of comments that all said about 5 different things, so to avoid my inbox becoming another echo chamber:

You’re 100% going to have a C-section anyway so just get a tubal while giving birth.

No, I’m not 100% going to have a C-section anyway. Twins are not an automatic C-section. With my birth history there is no reason to presume that a C-section is in my future. My OB agrees, and has discussed the possibility as doctors have to do but also said that based on my past two birth experiences, I'm a "perfect candidate" for vaginal delivery.
I also am not going to mince words: tubal ligations are *less* effective than vasectomies with a *much higher* likelihood of an ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancy can *kill me*. In fact I got a PM from a woman who is a fellow fertile Myrtle who had an ectopic after a tubal. I am rejecting birth control options that, if they fail, would lead to my likely death. I don’t want to be pregnant again but I also don’t want to die and leave my children motherless, and in no way should anyone assume that traveling to another state to obtain an emergency abortion will continue to be an option in the future - we live in scary times, and Gilead is a real possibility. The comments seemed to have the vibe that people think that ligations are magically more effective than vasectomies and vasectomies are more of a whisper of sterility than an actual sterilization method so for those in the back VASECTOMIES ARE MORE EFFECTIVE THAN TUBAL LIGATIONS, FULL STOP. So I really need y’all to shut up about it.

Go to another state and obtain an abortion anyway.

I appreciate the personal offers to help I received in DMs deeply, but no. I’m in my 2nd trimester, which I know is still legal in some places, however I am at a point in my pregnancy where I personally as an individual do not feel comfortable obtaining an abortion, considering I would be *even farther* along by the time I could travel (which is not only finances, but logistics as well). I am 16 weeks pregnant now, these babies aren’t just clusters of cells to me anymore, and I’m not going to expand on that since it’s not up for debate.

Why not adoption?

With love and respect to everyone who has gone through adoption in all its aspects, adoption is absolutely not for me. This is a thought process I already went through 8 years ago, and now that I’m a mother and not a scared teenager I know it’s even less for me. I personally could not go through with it and come out the other side intact. Going through a full pregnancy, having my babies, and then being separated from them would break me.

Leave him and give him full custody of the twins

No. Because going through a full pregnancy, having my babies, and then being separated from them would break me. Jesus, some of y’all.

Just have a sexless marriage.

No. I love banging my husband, obviously lol. I don't want to be in a sexless marriage and anyone who has been to an abstinence-only high school knows that abstinence is not the way lol. There were a lot of comments assuming I would be perfectly fine withholding sex from my husband and having na dead bedroom, and I wouldn't. I have a sex drive. I'm going to want to bang my husband. Wanting to have sex with your spouse is *normal*.

What you would do about birth control if you divorced and dated in the future?

I’m not thinking of dating anyone else right now, because I’m thinking more about saving my actual marriage instead of an imaginary relationship. And if theoretically I did, I would probably seek out a partner who was snipped or was ready to be to be honestly, or a woman. I’m bisexual so there’s a very good chance that my future partner wouldn’t have the right parts to knock me up anyway lol.

Jack is sabotaging your birth control

I clarified my methods in the original post (as per my last email), but I did want to address this because it came up a LOT. I don’t have reason to believe that Jack sabotaged my birth control. A number of other fertile Myrtles showed up and brought up they or their family members repeated pregnancies in the face of birth control, including tubals. Accusing my husband of reproductive coercion for no reason other than I keep getting pregnant is a big leap and a weighty accusation. I am not the only fertile Myrtle out there, there's a reason there's a whole term for it.

Your husband is a narcissist, abuser, psychopath, and he does no childcare

My husband and I historically have a really healthy and loving relationship outside of this fight. In fact, this fight is the first time we’ve really had a fight, we’ve only ever had little arguments that we’ve been able to talk through. He’s an active father, the reason that I do the majority of childcare is due to circumstance between maternity leaves, our job schedules and the fact that I breastfed my babies. Someone also presumed I’m the breadwinner, which isn’t quite true. Jack makes more than me, but we do not have deeply significant differences in our incomes. When he is home he does his fair share of cleaning and cooking (arguably more than me at times), and parenting. That being said, the things he said in the heat of the moment were deeply concerning, and we’re addressing that together.
So to get down to the nitty gritty of the real update: since the last time I posted, Jack and I have sat down together and had a real come to Jesus talk. I’m not going to go through the whole breakdown, but it basically boiled down to this: it’s the vasectomy, but it’s more than the vasectomy. It was wrong of me to compare him to Tom but it was wronger of him to weaponize my trauma against me in a very malicious way. The way he intentionally used the same language my abuser used in an effort to hurt me was not acceptable and damaged the trust between us. He agreed it was not acceptable and said that in the aftermath he was horrified and ashamed his own words, and that he (as an explanation and not an excuse) kind of snapped under the stress. Oh and what he said about his “next wife” was not an indication of him not being committed to me but was because he felt hurt and wanted to hurt me back. He has apologized numerous times and seems to feel genuinely bad about it.
As for the separation, I am still going forward with it. I need space and time and I need to take that before the babies come. I am still staying with my parents who, for the record, are not sick of me or the kids. We’re a tight knit family, I only moved out when I moved in with Jack, and my sister moved out about a year ago so they have been empty nesting, and my mom doesn’t like that we live “too far” (an hour) away. What I have realized with space and time is how deeply triggering it was, in a way that I cannot explain to those without PTSD from DV, those who know will know. It’s deeply unsettled me and I’m having a hard time “getting over it” so to speak. There is now a lot of fear of my husband that was never there before and it’s going to take a lot to repair that trust and sense of safety. I cannot make a decision while I’m in this space, and I am addressing this with my personal therapist. Overall, I told him that if he wanted to stay married to me I needed two things from him: marriage counseling and a vasectomy, and even then I still cannot guarantee him anything. He understands, but I do not know what will happen with the vasectomy right now, we focused more on talking about the fight, but he is very aware that it's now a dealbreaker. And we have a marriage counseling appointment set up for next week. I'm hoping that counseling will bring some clarity to the situation, and in the mean time for the next couple months I'm focusing on giving my kids lots of cuddles and preparing myself for two new babies to come into my world, with or without Jack.
Additional information from OOP on her relationships

OOP: I've been through a trial to convict my ex-boyfriend of trying to kill me because of an abortion in a deep red, deeply religious area. I've definitely heard worse things, and I typically have pretty thick skin. That being said, I am pregnant and pretty emotional, so it's not the best experience. That being said, I do appreciate the level-headed comments when I see them through the sea of comments kind of saying the same stuff over and over. I'm not reading a lot of them if what I can see in the comment notification starts off nasty, so a lot of it is just inbox white noise. My favorites are the ones that start off with "I'm not going to read that BUT..." and I just think lol same. Like you don't want to read my post but expect me to read your comment that was made without even reading the situation? lol nope. And there are a lot of people conflating "providing someone with a hard choice" with "forcing someone into a medical procedure" and it just makes wading through for the actually helpful comments more tiring. Thank you though, I very much appreciate the kindness. Sorry, I've gotten so much of the same nonsense I guess I needed a little vent lol.

OOP on wanting her husband to make a decision and be on the same page

OOP: I want to be honest with him about where I am emotionally because I want him to make an informed decision. While the vasectomy is a deal breaker, it's really my secondary concern. My primary concern is the way he acted during the fight and his intention exploitation of my trauma because he was mad and scared. I think that telling him "get the snip to stay with me" and then deciding to leave anyway because there are deeper issues and/or I don't feel safe anymore would be cruel. He deserves to have the full picture before he makes a choice, doesn't he?
If he doesn't want the vasectomy, that's his choice. It's not what I want, but it is what it is. If he wants to call it quits at 4 kids, then it is what it is and if he secretly wants to be the next Nick Cannon then it is what it is he should be free to do that. That is part of why I don't know where he is on the vasectomy right now and we didn't really discuss it much when we talked, I'm focusing on discussing the bigger issue for me which is trust and safety within the relationship. The only way for him to make an informed decision about whether or not he get a vasectomy is for him to have all the information about the situation. If that makes him want a vasectomy less, then it is what it is. It's not about making him want to have a vasectomy. It's about being on the same page.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Complex-Wing7114
I have 2 weeks to get away from my husband
Originally posted to offmychest
Thabks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior, threats, abusive behavior, stalking
Original Post Apr 27, 2024
Throwaway account as my husband and In-laws are follow my main. I, 29 F, have been married to my husband, 30 m, who I'll call Alex. Alex and I met in college during our freshman year. We started off as just friends, and got married seven months ago. I've gotten along with his family, but we aren't super close but we're friendly enough. The problem is that Alex has begun to make me incredibly uncomfortable.
Firstly, he's begun to ask me who I'm meeting with, where, what we plan on doing, how long every single time I leave the house without him. At first, I just thought he was being protective and a good partner just in case something happened, but then he started checking my phone after the visits, vetting and researching each of my friends as well.
He also has been pursuing me to link my bank account to his, as he's "in charge" of the finances when he was perfectly fine with keeping them separate before. We fight about it almost every day.
Finally, yesterday when he was preparing to go on a work trip for two weeks in California, he demanded I wear a tracker so he could keep and eye on me while he's gone. I can't do this anymore, I feel like I'm suffocating and his family who I've spoken to about his worrying behavior just said he's being careful and protective as a good husband should. I need to gather my things together and find a way to be gone before he gets home without tipping him off.
He's always threatened that if he ever found me cheating on him he'd turn in divorce papers the same day. He keeps a filled out copy in his desk. I'm going to submit those the day I leave. But there's so much to do, bergen finding a new place to live, seeing if my job has any transfers available, packing and moving in two weeks. His return flight May 11th, so I need to move quickly. I'm posting here because I don't have any close family, and I can't risk dragging my friends into this as we share the same friends.I just needed a place to vent, and ask if anyone has any advice on the easiest and safest way to do this?
Edit: oh my god you guys are amazing! I never even thought to not use his divorce papers. I'll check for cameras before I start any packing or prepping. I may also shred his divorce papers just in case and look into getting a lawyer for myself. I'm in a no fault divorce state, that much I so remember which will help. I'll update again when I know more. The tracker he wants me to use is a small clip to put on the belt or waistband. I'll wear it unless I'm going or doing something related to me leaving. No pets yet thankfully.
Update Apr 28, 2024
So I've gotten a lot of support and helpful advice along with questions I thought I should clarify before I proceed with the update. Some asked why I'd be 'hiding' things from Alex regarding going out and who I'm meeting with. I don't, and I have nothing to hide. However when he begins to then double check everything I tell him with the other people there right down to each person I talked to and what I said. Did I send any text msgs, did I order food, how much did I eat, that's when it started to feel like I was slowly being pushed into a corner. It didn't start that bad, but gradually grew worse overtime.
All of the Reddit subs my in-law's families are part of are related gardening and diy so I highly doubt they'll see this, if so by the time they do, I'll hopefully be gone. I talked to my job and explained things to my manager. And they promised to look into openings in other states to see if they could get me into one. They'll have an update on that in three days. I trust that my bank account us secured, considering he's tried to get into it before and failed. I found one camera in the kitchen, another in the living room and one in our bedroom. As such, I've left them in place for now and done all other planning, either in the bathroom pretending I'm taking a bath.
I'm honestly staying away from the domestic violence services as my sister-in-law is unfortunately higher up in those considering she volunteers there and I have a feeling if I did show up there, they would know in a heartbeat. I can't look for apartments until I get the update from my work, but either or i'm still gonna be leaving the state. The day before I do I will be changing my number carrier and wiping my laptop and all of his electronics before I do.
I've met with 2 lawyers so far and had them look over the paperwork. My husband had prepared and both said that it did it have some clauses in it. That could have caused me some trouble down the line. What alarmed all of us close the fact that several of those clauses dealt with future children, and not as a hypothetical. Like several hair suggested I have a feeling he fully intended on getting me pregnant to keep me trapped and tied to him.
There are 3 other locations. My job could send me to and I have. As a precaution Begun looking into all 3 cities and housing in the areas. Just in case one of those, this is the one they send me to. Even if they don't have an opening that they can push me into then I will just have to quit, move and figure things out on my own. I have enough money to live and survive for a few months until I can pick up another job.
Unfortunately all of our friends are mutuals and would likely be unaware of the consequences of saying or sharing anything I do or say with my husband. I don't have any surviving close family and obviously my in laws are not a good resource to rely on. I am on my own unfortunately, other than the wonderful bonds, i've begun to make here. I will update again if I get more information or something else happens. Otherwise all update when my work gets back to me. I do plan on leaving before he returns, though. Just to make sure that i'm not anywhere near here at that time.
Update 2 Apr 30, 2024
Good news! My work has an opening I qualify for that will not only shift me across the country, but also comes with a salary increase as well. I've started telling my in laws and friends that I'm planning a surprise outing for when my husband gets back for just the two of us. This way, people don't give me odd looks if they see me out and about. I've even gone as far as asking MIL to show me his favorite recipes.
Meanwhile, I've found a moving company that while small is willing to work in a storm. The reason is in five days, we're supposed to get hit with a large storm front. I plan to shut off the breaker and say we lost power if he asks just as several people here suggested and even send him a short clip of the storm.
I will have all of my stuff moved that afternoon, and I will be flying out once the weather has cleared enough to do so. I have a lawyer who will push my divorce through, and I've filled out the necessary paperwork so that I don't have to be here for it. I'm not suing for assets or alimony and I've shredded his divorce papers as well. I've set up a cheap payphone plan through cricket until this is all said and done at which point I will find a new carrier, number and phone. This one is being wiped and left behind.
My laptop is provided by my work, and the IT department inspected it thoroughly and it was clean thankfully. No other electronic aside from my laptop and new phone will be coming with me. If alex needs to talk to me, he can do it through my lawyer. Not sure if anything else will happen, my fingers are crossed that he doesn't think anythings amiss until after I leave - and I'm not turning the breaker back on when I do. He can when he gets home. My work is covering the plane ticket, so that at least is one expense I don't have to finagle in.
Update 3 May 7, 2024
Update 3: I have 2 weeks to get away from my husband.
It's been a busy week, but I've gotten so much done. Firstly, I am now out of the house and am currently in a hotel while I look for an apartment. It's a big city, bustling with people no matter where you look. We had a pretty bad storm system hit back home, that actually lasted two days. High winds, thunder, lightning and even hail everywhere. I didn't take much from the house, my documents, clothes and important sentimental items. I left all of the furniture and electronics behind. I cleaned the house top to bottom and took pictures on my phone so he couldn't claim I damaged anything when I left.
My lawyer has already started divorce proceedings, and my husband will be served on the 8th. His plane is due to land early morning, and the sheriff will be there at the house waiting for him. He is very much about public appearances and reputation. My lawyer will be calling him as well to inform him that I am more than willing to air out everything to the public about his actions if it means securing my freedom from him. I will go to court as long as I must to get this pushed through.
I haven't told our friends or his in-laws yet, I will do that while he is on the flight to prevent him from getting wind of it before he's handed the divorce papers. I will be calling around and explaining why we're getting divorced, to try and prevent him from twisting this into somehow being my fault. I don't want him trying to claim I had an affair or something so I want to get the truth out before he can twist this.
I'm... doing okay. I'm tired, but yet I feel almost jittery and off-kilter. I keep looking over my shoulder and monitoring what I say even when I don't really need to anymore. Hopefully that will fade soon. My work is covering the cost of the hotel, and I'm working on getting my other things in order. I also need to find a new GP as I want to get a full test just to make sure everything is okay. I don't know when my next update will be, probably when the divorce papers are filed or if we have to go to court to push them through. I will try to keep my head up, but it feels like I'm in a whirlwind or something with so many things to do and think about. I kinda thought it would be easier once I got out of the house but while the fear is smaller, somehow the number of tasks only seems to have grown.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/justathrowaway282641
Originally posted to TwoHotTakes + her own page
Previous BoRU #1, BoRU #2, BoRU #3, BoRU #4, BoRU #5, BoRU 6
Editor’s Note: removed all relevant comments from older posts to make space for new updates. To see all older relevant comments, check out the previous BoRUs above
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
[New Update]: My family forgot to invite me to my grandparents funeral, but they are convinced I was there.
Trigger Warnings: death of loved ones, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, harassment
RECAP
Original Post: November 14, 2023**
I’m 30s F and caused a major blowup in my family and now none of them are talking to me. For background, my hometown is tiny (500pop) and when I went 2 hrs away to “the city” (15,000pop) for college, I loved it. I ended up staying after graduation, got married, and am happy here for a decade. I visit my home town every few weeks or so, call/text my family near daily, and thought we were all good. My family’s pretty small. Just my brother, mom, step dad, dad, step mom, and an aunt and uncle (mom’s siblings, never married, no kids). My mother's grandparents moved to my home town when I was in high school and were just down the street from us. My family has always been pretty drama free (aside from my parent’s divorce when I was a kid) and we’ve been happy. The step-parents were blended in perfectly and we share holidays and celebrations together. We’re all super close and just the perfect little group.
Ever since I moved away, the topic of “when am I moving back?” is constant, and I’ve always laughed it off. My home town has nothing. You have to drive 30 minutes for milk and bread. 60-90 minute one-way commutes to work. And floods shut down the main road every Easter. I love the town, but I love here more. I have parks, stores, community events, a library! The “city” is great. My family grumbles that I need to move back, but I refuse. I've been trying to encourage them to come here, especially since it's not an hour drive to the nearest medical facility.
Now to the meat and potatoes: both my grandparents passed over COVID times. They were both old and their health had been failing for a while so it was only a matter of time. Thankfully they didn’t catch it, but it made visiting them impossible and we survived mostly through FaceTime. They both passed in their sleep months apart. Both were cremated and kept securely under the kitchen sink for safe keeping while the pandemic blew over. That was 2021.
Well, I just found out my family held a funeral for them and scattered the ashes in my uncle’s maple grove over the summer. No one said a word to me about it. I’ve visited numerous times before and after and not one word. I only found out because my great uncle from California posted on Facebook a few weeks ago that he is entering hospice and was so thankful his health stayed strong enough for him to see his little sister (my grandma) to her final resting place. I was confused and called my mom. She was all “Yeah, the funeral we had in July, remember?” Ya’ll, I visited them for the 4th of July. They did the funeral the 8th. Not a word about it to me. They had planned this for months. Long enough to arrange for my infirm great uncle to be brought over from the other side of the country. Apparently, they talked about it “all the time”.
Everyone is convinced I was at the funeral. They SWEAR I was there. I can prove I wasn’t because Google’s got my location history. My hubby is baffled because he was supposedly there, too, but he had to work every weekend in June and July. Time clock doesn’t lie. My family straight up forgot about me. I’m hurt. I’m sad. And they’re pissed at me “for lying”. They think I’m causing drama over nothing. Nothing I say can convince them I wasn’t there. My family is united in this. And they’ve all put me “on read” until I admit I’m wrong. They think I’ve gone nuts. Either there’s a doppelganger of me attending events, or my family doesn’t want to admit they screwed up. I’m not backing down.
Thanksgiving is coming up, and my family’s been vague posting on Facebook about “forgetful kids” and mental health. It’s so freaking weird and I don’t know if I’m in bizzaro world or what’s going on. My mom’s best friend reached out and said I should just admit I was wrong and apologize, that I’m causing my mom so much unnecessary stress. I asked her if she’s checked everyone’s home for CO2. She hung up on me. (We checked our CO2, and our testers are running just fine.) I have reached out to a few people in my home town to check in on my folks, and they all say they're fine. I even spoke with the local volunteer fire fighter group to see if they could check for gas leaks. Not sure if they were able to.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve shown them the proof I wasn’t there, but they know I’m tech savvy and just assume I’ve Photoshopped it. Hubby says we need a break, and we’re going to be staying home this holiday season.
Edit: I don't know the update rules, so I'll post updates to my profile should anyone want them.  
Update #1: November 27, 2023
Not sure how to do updates on posts, so figured I'd post anything on my profile. Folks have private messaged me and this will be easier I think?
It's 11/27 and Thanksgiving just happened. Hubby and I stayed home. We got a small turkey and made our own little thanksgiving. It was nice. We ate around noon, then watched a movie, and later sat outside with a bottle of wine to watch the sun set behind the trees and neighbor houses.
We usually take the day before off, drive to my folks, stay the night, and help with the Thanksgiving Day cooking. So it wasn't until Wednesday night that my mom broke the silence. Mom called and asked when I was showing up, and I told her we were staying home this year, but for them to have a happy Thanksgiving, and to give the rest of the family my love. She was quiet for a long time after I said that, and I think she eventually mumbled an "okay", or something, and hung up. It wasn't an angry hang up. Just a hang up. On Thanksgiving day, I sent a group "Happy Thanksgiving!" gif to our family group chat. I received a few "happy Thanksgiving"'s back. No one's said anything else. There's been no posts on Facebook.  
Update #2: December 12, 2023
So, I think I mentioned in one of my comments that my dad and I usually talk on the phone every Sunday morning. We're both early risers so we'd chat over our morning coffees and watch the sunrise. Him and I haven't really spoken since this all went down and it's been tough. I'm used to talking to him, you know?
Well, I was sitting outside in my usual spot, watching the sun rise and freezing my butt off, and he called me. I'm not entirely sure how to describe the emotions I felt. It was a mix of panic, hope, terror, happiness, and dread. I ended up answering because I just had to know what he wanted. It was an awkward conversation. He didn't address the current "drama", but instead tiptoed around the situation with all the grace of an cow on stilts. For instance, a simple "How are you doing?" Type question was answered with a "Not good." And the whole conversation would stall out for a bit because he knew why I wasn't doing well. So we ended up talking about the weather, the various winter birds we'd seen in our feeders, and the Christmas decorations around town. Things like that.
Eventually he asked if we were coming out for Christmas, and sounded sad when I told him we weren't. He asked if him and step mom could come visit us instead, and I told him it wasn't a good idea this year. That hubby and I were going to spend a quiet holiday together. I let him know he should be receiving some gifts at his PO Box any day now, so to please pick them up from the post office and put them under the family tree for everyone. He said he'd ship ours to us as well.
And that was pretty much it. No crazy drama to report. The only posts on Facebook have been the usual Christmas excitement ones, countdowns, photos of Santa, silly gift ideas, photos of company Christmas parties.
On a personal note: Hubby and I are doing alright. Our health is good, our spirits high, and we're as solid as ever. We each got Christmas bonus' at our jobs, so we're excited about that. They're not large, but we're happy to have them. We have also done advent calendars for the first time ever. I got him a Lego one, and he got me a hot chocolate one. We're going to do the calendars again next year. Maybe make a tradition out of it.
Everyone please have a safe and happy holidays.  
Inheritance: December 16, 2023
I've received a lot - A LOT - of messages and private DMs urging me to check into inheritance and such. I'm really touched a lot of Internet strangers are worried about me and I wanted to ensure everyone that inheritance is most likely not an issue here. I'd almost be relieved if it was, because then it would at least make some sense. Money does weird things to people, you know?
No one in my family is wealthy by any means. After my grandparents' passed, their small estate was used to pay for their end of life expenses and remaining assets split up. Everyone directly related got an equal split (so excluded my dad and the step parents). I don't remember the exact amount I received, but it was around $5k if I recall. My brother gave me his share, too, so I could finish paying off my college debt while the interest freeze was active.
The great uncle from California has kids and grand kids, and great grandkids of his own, and also isn't wealthy. I think one of his kids makes good money doing something in finance, but I'm not entirely sure. I can't imagine he left us anything, as we hardly knew him. My mom, aunt, and uncle only met him a few times in their lives, and my brother and I even less. Grandma and him were close, but I don't think he liked my grandpa much.  
Christmas: December 25, 2023
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I've received a lot of support through my posts and I'm really grateful. Writing these updates have had a therapeutic effect.
Yesterday was Sunday, but I didn't answer my dad when he called. I just really didn't feel up to a pointless chat, so let it go to voicemail. He tried to reach me a few times throughout the day, but I didn't answer.
Our bestie last minute invited us over to his house for Christmas day lunch (today), so husband and I were busy all Christmas Eve making cookies, peanut brittle, and homemade suckers/hard candies for his kids. Mom tried to reach out as well, but I also ignored her calls.
We had a BLAST at lunch! Our friend's kids are a lot of fun to be around. They got some techy presents from their grandparents (Quest vr headset and steam decks, lucky little rascals) Friend and his wife aren't good with tech, while hubby and I are, so we helped get them set up while our friend played a good host to his folks and inlaws. The grandparents didn't realize that a Steam deck required a Steam account, so we got the kids all their own accounts set up, added them to our steam friends lists, and gifted them some games. We also bought them a few VR games for their headset, and they were off to the races with Beat Saber in no time.
As for my folks: My brother texted and asked if we could talk sometime tomorrow. I think me ignoring mom and dad has caused some kind of upset. Which they deserve.  
Brother’s call: December 26, 2023
Spoke with my brother over the phone this morning.
For starters, he apologized for everything. Him and I are good (for now). For a bit of background, my brother and I are only 2 years apart. There weren't a lot of kids around growing up, so the two of us were often stuck doing stuff together. So we have a lot of shared interests and passions. He's been pretty silent on this whole matter, but still "part of the group", if you know what I mean. I think the thought of losing him out of my life was probably the most painful, because he's always been there. He was my rock until I met my husband. He's definitely a Mama's boy, though, so anything mom wanted, he made sure she got. I'm happy to have him back.
Without further ado, here's the story from the horse's mouth:
Mom apparently had a cancer scare late last year (which no one told me about, go figure), and dad had a stint put in his heart back in January (which I did know about). This "sense of mortality" has apparently lit a fire under Mom's ass to get me back home. But since I wasn't reacting to her passive aggressive hinting, she and step mom decided to go full crazy. My great uncle's health was bad, and he'd been asking about funeral arrangements for his sister (my grandma) for a while, so the moms decided to plan it. And use the event as a giant middle finger to me. They kept all the planning pretty hush-hush between the two of them, so no one on our side of the family actually knew about the funeral until like 2 weeks before. The moms said they'd invited hubby and I. No one thought anything about it. No one thought to mention, confirm, or check with me.
The plan was to scatter the ashes, say a few words, and maybe head to town for lunch. It was a small affair. The mom's didn't even tell the family that our great uncle was coming for it. Like I said, it was a small thing. Barely a footnote. No one thought it was odd because we're pretty chill people.
4th of July happens. Hubby and I are out. No one thought to mention it, as we were all busy celebrating and having a great time. Any time the topic of "this weekend" would start, the conversation would be quickly shifted by one of the moms. We went back home.
8th of July happens. Great uncle rolls into town with a few of his kids, grandkids, and great grandkids, and it's a surprise to everyone (but the moms). Everyone drives to the maple grove and the moms have brought a ton of food and stuff. It's a full blown party. No one on my side noticed I wasn't there, because there were so many extra faces outside the usual group. They did the spreading of the ashes, they said their words, they ate, they had a great time. It wasn't until our great uncle left, and all his side left with him, that they realized I wasn't there. And hadn't been there.
And this is where the crazy went up a notch. My brother says the moms were happy no one noticed I wasn't there. And that this was proof to everyone that I needed to move back because I was so easily forgotten about. Because none of them thought to reach out, right? They basically did a ton of guilt tripping manipulation bullshit and it made everyone upset at me for not showing up. Somehow it was my fault for being excluded. So suddenly everyone was on their side with "sticking it to me".
But then a few months went by, and tempers cooled, and then I guess the horror of it set in. Followed by the shame, but by then they were "in too deep". How do you undo something like this? And since I hadn't brought it up, I guess they figured they would all just stay quiet about it and hope I never asked about a funeral.
That's when I discovered the situation from my great uncle's Facebook and called my mom, who panicked and went with the stupidest solution. Claiming I was there. Don't I remember?
I ended up talking with a few friends from high school, mentioning the situation, and word got back to those in town. So suddenly town gossip and little old church ladies got involved. Was I, or wasn't I at the funeral? Did my family forget to invite me to the funeral of the only grandparents I'd ever know? Or am I just causing a ruckus? My brother said they all just went with mom's answer. Of course they wouldn't forget me. Of course I was there. Of course they're good people. And it just snowballed.
The family expected me to eventually fold. I'm usually a nonconfrontational person, so me sticking to my guns was unexpected. And then I missed Thanksgiving. And now Christmas. With no sign of backing down. And I guess the realization that I could just stop being part of their lives is setting in and my parents are panicking. He's tried just getting them to apologize and explain, but stubbornness prevails. They want to rug sweep, but I'm not letting them.
My brother is upset with everything that's happened. He's realized just how crappy it all has been and he wants nothing to do with it anymore. But since he lives with my mom, he can't "get away from it".
He has asked if he can come stay with us for a little bit. I spoke with hubby, and he's in agreement with me that my brother can come crash in our spare bedroom for as long as he wants. Brother works remotely, so it's no trouble for him to pick up and go. I believe he's making the trip today or tomorrow. Not entirely sure, but I expect crap to hit the fan when he arrives.
On a side note, hubby's stoked that my brother and I made up. The two usually game together, but haven't due to "the situation". He's downstairs right now setting up his man cave in preparation for my brother's arrival. I'm happy to see him so excited.  
Brother's Here: December 27, 2023
My brother rolled in late last night. He'd obviously been crying and when I opened the door, he just held me and sobbed. I'd never seen him like that before and soon both of us were just standing in the doorway crying into one another. He kept apologizing. Over and over again. Said he wasn't sure why he went with it. Just kept saying sorry. Hubby got him all set up in the spare bedroom while brother and I talked. My brother's a wreck. He's always been a big guy, but he's lost a lot of weight and his clothes just hang off him. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was on drugs. We talked for a little bit before bed and he re-explained everything for my husband. I'd told hubby the story, but it was just so weird that hearing it again helped.
This morning my brother was up at dawn making some coffee and getting his work day going. Hubby's off all week (lucky) so hubby made us working folk some pancakes and bacon. So far everything's peaceful. We've decided not to answer any calls from our family. They've been made aware that he arrived safely, and that we are going to spend the New Years together, and that we're not answering any calls until January 1st. They may text if they wish. I'm sure they're losing their minds. Serves them right.
Everyone, have a safe and happy new years! Don't drink and drive!  
Happy 2024!: January 2, 2024
I hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable holidays, and may the new year be full of joy and happiness!
Not too much of an update. Things here have been quiet. My brother's settled in nicely and he's a great housemate. Our place isn't very big, but we have full basement and a nice outside patio/porch area so it doesn't feel crowded at all with the extra addition. He's a quiet and clean guy. No hassle at all. He got some fresh clothes from the Walmart, a haircut, and trimmed his beard, so he's more "presentable" now. He's a lady killer when he gets cleaned up. He's made nice with the (very nosy, but kind) retired couple next door and is adapting to "city living" nicely.
Folks back home have been mostly well behaved. There's been a few texts back and forth, as we're not answering calls. Mom mainly wants to know when brother's coming back, but he's keen on staying here for a while. Mom said I can't "keep him" and I told her he's a grown ass man and can do what he wants. Brother says he has her blocked after she ORDERED him to return home.
Brother has tentatively asked if he could stay long term, should he decide to, or at least longer than a usual visitor would stay. Which we're fine with. He has a good paying job and could afford an apartment, but he's never lived on his own and I would guess he has some anxiety about it. Should that be the case, he'll start paying us some rent and we'd probably adjust to give him the basement as his own space.  
Had to change the locks: January 17, 2024
My brother is officially staying with us for the long haul. Hubby and him spent all Sunday organizing the basement and shifting things around so he now has his own area to be comfortable in. He's pretty handy and has also started fixing little things around our house. Our windows and doors have never closed and locked/unlocked smoother. He even fixed one of the closets we never use because we can never get the darn door open. Sadly, he also had to change the locks on our house and get us all new keys.
This is because while hubby and I were out this Saturday, the moms showed up. They'd been calling and texting us all week, but we weren't really answering them, so I guess the two decided to drive over and hash it out in person. They have emergency keys to my place, and just let themselves in. Brother told them to leave, they argued, and my nosy (but kind) neighbors called the police when they noticed the commotion. So, we get a call from neighbor's wife, return home to some cops in our yard, all the neighbors out "vacuuming their trees", and my nosy (but kind) neighbors standing on my porch with my brother behind them, doing their best Gandalf "You shall not pass" impression.
Had to talk with the cops, explain that we were having a family dispute and word vomited. I don't really remember what all I said, and was shaking a lot. Our local cops are really great. Fantastic guys and gals in blue, and took it all in stride. It's really cold here, so one had me join him in his cruiser with the heat on, and gave me a bottle of water to calm down while we talked. They asked if we wanted the moms trespassed but I wasn't sure if that counted as a criminal charge so just asked the cops if they could just make them leave, which the cops did with no fuss. I think the moms were shocked we were taking this so seriously. They didn't fight or scream at us. Just left quietly.
My dad promised me he'd make sure his wife left us alone. "Or else". He said he'd also have a stern talk with my mom. Him and I talked Sunday morning, and he seemed absolutely at the end of his rope. Husband jokingly told my dad he could move in, too. To which he declined.
Not sure where to go from here, but we're getting some ring cameras installed once they arrive. And everyone but my dad is blocked. Hopefully they all just leave us alone.  
Nothing New To Report: February 2, 2024
Had a lot of DMs for updates, but don't have much anything to report on. The moms are behaving themselves. All's quiet on the western front. Felt weird ignoring or copy/pasting "no updates" to everyone, so here's what we've been doing, should anyone care.
Dad got a new bird/squirrel feeder from Amazon (looks like a little picnic table for a child's dolly but has a mesh top for the bird seed. I think it's supposed to be for chickens?) It's totes adorbs. To his horror, it also works as a Cooper hawk feeder, so now he's "fortifying his defenses" and putting up some trellises around it. He'll have to wait till warmer weather before planting anything to grow on them.
We had some ring cameras installed and put in a motion-activated camera that double functions as a light bulb. It goes in the light fixture outside the front door and is pretty cool. Video quality isn't all that great, but it's a nice addition I guess. It does overlook the bird feeders, so I've been watching it on my lunch breaks on the days I have to go into the office.
Hubby and brother are feuding. They started a coop farm in Stardew Valley a few days ago and they both want to romance Leah. My husband confided in me that he's also been romancing Sebastian as a backup. I'm not sure why he's keeping this a secret, but he's pretty smug about it.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
fractal_frog I hope your dad can outsmart the hawks!

OOP: He'll be able to, I just know it. He's used to dealing with the wildlife and having hawks about, but he just wasn't expecting one to snag a meal right from his new feeder.
I told him it was "technically" still a bird feeder. Just....for bigger birds. Which he thought was funny. He said he might make a little "no hawks allowed" sign to put up next to it.

MissOP: keep the updates coming. the moms are so close to folding it's just a little bit more. LMAO also, the bro mance between your husband and brother is so cute. lol Honestly, I think your husband making sure he has a side piece of Sebastian is absolutely the play.

OOP: So far still no word from the moms, but I hope you're right. I would love an apology and for us to begin moving past this. But I NEED that apology. I feel selfish saying that, but I refuse to "be the bigger person" on this. I just won't.
As for my brother and husband, yeah, they're basically soul mates. The two hit it off immediately when they first met, and they've been thick as thieves for years.  

Update: February 27, 2024
My dad came out for a visit over the weekend. We had a good time and the weather was lovely for some grilling and beers. It was really nice to see him again and he seemed healthy and in good spirits.
Here's his report from back home: Step mom (dad's wife) has started to realize she's screwed up. I credit her change of mindset to the fact that my dad sat her down and laid it out for her: she leaves his kids alone, or she's getting divorce papers. That apparently shut her up right quick, because they had a prenup done when they married and I'm not sure the details of it, but it wouldn't end favorably for her. She hasn't worked in years, so I imagine she'd be eligible for alimony? But I'm not versed in any of that legal mumbojumbo. Dad didn't seem too worried about it, so I'm not gonna worry about it.
Step dad was pissed the police were involved in the last "mom visit" (despite no one getting arrested or anything) and was in a "the kids are out of control and need to be reigned back in" mindset. When my dad pointed out that "the kids" in question were all in their mid-30s, it took some of the steam out of stepdad's sails. According to my dad, even my mom looked a little surprised when he said that. So, part of me is wondering if a good chunk of this whole thing is my mom not truly realizing that her kids were grown, and no longer children she could make demands of. Both of the moms have left us alone. I expected my mom to continue to kick up a fuss, but I think the cops spooked her.
There was a wonderful suggestion by a comment or to get their pastor involved, which I passed along to my dad. Dad has since spoken to their pastor about everything. He's a young guy, relatively new to their church, and joked that his first month on the job he had to do 3 funerals in a row and his new "flock" were just dying to get away from him, so he's got a sense of humor which is nice. The new pastor agreed to sit down with everyone and help the family hash it all out in a true "Come to Jesus" type moment next month, so that maybe we could celebrate Easter together as our first holiday as a family. Dad said the pastor was aware our family was having some troubles, but unsure of exactly what was going on, and since he was new, the pastor didn't want to pry. He has also agreed to do a small service down at my uncle's maple grove later in the summer, as it usually floods and is a muddy mess all spring. According to my dad, my aunt and uncle are so over all the drama and just ready to move on, so I expect hugs and apologies from them when we next meet.
Stardew Valley Update: My brother was victorious in the grand fight for Leah. It was a hard battle. Well fought. When my husband exposed his plans to woo Sebastian all this time, it was quite the betrayal. Dramatics aside, their farm is really cute and I'm so happy they're enjoying the game!  
Update 4/1 - Final one I think - April 1, 2024
Happy April Fools everyone! I hope you all check your caramel apples for stray onions before taking a bite! I also hope your Easter weekend was a delightful one.
It is with great joy that I tell you all about our most recent update! Possibly even a conclusion to this whole ordeal.
The entire family (aunt, uncle, moms, dads, brother, me, husband) and pastor met at my dad's house and we all sat down to hash the situation out. As expected from what my dad said, my aunt and uncle greeted us all with apologies and hugs, which was nice. My uncle usually helps host the Easter egg hunts with the church and he brought our Easter baskets to give to us in case us kids weren't sticking around the for the weekend. I'm not sure why but seeing it made me tear up and feel stupid, because it was just a basket of candy but it meant a lot to me for some reason.
The pastor led us in a prayer and talked about forgiveness and such. He then asked us all to talk one at a time about how we're feeling and what we want the end result of today to be. No one was allowed to interrupt so everyone got to talk. It was nice. The consensus for the group was that most everyone wanted things to go back to "normal". The only ones who had any variance off this was my mom and step dad. They both wanted all us kids to move back to the area.
The pastor asked them why they wanted us back, and neither could give a good reason other than "because family", and the pastor asked us if we were thriving where we were. And we said we were. He asked if we were happy there. Which we were. He then asked my mom and step dad if they wanted us to give up our happiness to make them happy.
And Mom broke down and said no. We all had a good cry. The pastor then asked about the funeral and lies that led up to it and followed it and how it made us all feel and what we wished we'd done differently if we had the chance. It was all very emotional, but in a good way, you know? Everyone apologized and admitted they f-ed up and did a really crappy thing.
We all talked for a long, long time and the pastor was a great mediator. Eventually we all reached some sort of resolution and I think we're good now. Emotions are still high and a little raw in areas, but we stayed for Easter weekend and had a nice time. We're going to keep moving forward slowly and try to repair the relationship, but I believe we're well and truly out of the woods.
As for my brother, he's still staying with us, and mom will stop trying to guilt trip him back home. He's thinking about renting a small apartment in our area but we're not pushing him to make a decision. He knows he's welcome to stay as long as he wants. I think he wants to try dating (he's had a few girlfriends but never anything serious) and is embarrassed to bring any girls around our place, lol. He's been going to a few random classes/bookclubs at the local library for something free to do and hitting it off with all the little old ladies who attend, and they keep trying to hook him up with girls his age who they know. He has been on a few lunches/coffee dates with a couple girls, but I think he's too embarrassed by the attention to give it a real try at "dating" any of them. He's happy, though, which is all I could ask for.
I'm not sure if there will be any more updates, as I think it's all be resolved about as much as it can be at the moment. I wanted to thank you all for your words of advice and giving me a place to vent and scream into the void. Please be kind to one another and to yourselves. Thank you.
Relevant Comments
emjkr: What a nice and hopeful update, I’m really glad you stuck to your guns when everyone threw sanity out the window!
But, could your mother explain how she thought this would work out in her favour?

OOP: I don't think mom thought too far ahead. I believe she assumed it would all just magically work out the way she wanted it to. She said she wasn't sure what she was expecting to happen (which I think was a lie, but I wasn't going to push it).

mak_zaddy: This was a great update! But ummmmmm no stardew valley update? What gives? Has Sebastian been woo’ed? How’s Leah? What’s happening?

OOP: Sebastian has indeed been wooed (and whoohooed) There's kids and cows and chickens. The two are still having a wonderful time at the game. They're working on completing the community center but it's slow going as they aren't trying to speedrun and just doing things as they want. I believe they're thinking about going into the desert mines once they complete that bundle, but they're both super chicken shit about it!

-my-cabbages: I don't really understand what you had to apologize for ... but I'm glad you're happy and the situation seems to be settling down

OOP: There wasn't much of an apology on my end, as everyone agreed I had done nothing wrong. Mine was more of a "I'm sorry you didn't feel as though I would listen." Type apology, which I don't really believe is a proper apology because apologies like that push the blame back on another. I mostly expressed my feelings and the shock of it all, and how betrayed I felt.  

----NEW UPDATE----

Small, happy update: May 7, 2024 (1 month later)
Things as wonderful as the moment. Still doing baby steps with The Moms. We're texting and talking on the phones more, which is nice. Very civil.
Dad "accidentally" bought a bunch of hand crafted bird feeders at a craft fair. By accidentally, I mean: he had a little too much fun in the beer tent, went for a stroll while step mom wasn't looking, and stumbled upon a guy's booth and bought "one of each". He wouldn't tell me how MANY "one of each" was, but he cackled like a witch when I asked. Step mom said she's forcing him to give a few to me, so I'm expecting a delivery or a Dad-visit any day now.
My brother is officially "going steady" with a girl. We've met her a few times and she seems like a real sweetheart. She's our age and has a little boy (5-6 years old, I haven't asked) from a previous relationship (The dad's not in the picture from what I can gather). She's the granddaughter of one of his Book Club members, so the old ladies made good match makers in the end. The relationship is still very new and I'm routing for them.
No new Stardew Valley updates. Work has been a little crazy lately and I haven't been able to play much of anything, and brother has been distracted by his new lady friend. So, husband finally started Baldur's Gate 3, and fell for Gale's "magic trick" so now those two are a thing. I expect him to be sufficiently distracted from reality for the next few weeks.
 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

First, did a search and didn't want to resurrect a 6+ month old thread. Second, didn't see my answer.
Question: have the Road Top NTG 4.5 Black Unit for my W204 C63 (2015). This particular unit calls out running AUX <-> MMI/ACI.
1.) Do I need to run AUX to MMI/ACI? I don't use MMI/ACI for anything at the moment.
2.) If I do run AUX to MMI/ACI do I need to enable Audio over AUX or can I leave it UCI in the engineering menu (If I toggle the MOST bus, I can turn on Audio over AUX but this will disable UCI).
Postscript: tried asking Road Top Support over What's App but language barriers just have them repeating asking me for pictures of my head unit and sending me the same pdf that's printed out in the box the unit came in.

So here is how it looks in my head rn, keep in mind these opinions are dependent on a lot of searching online, I may or may not have a lot of influenced views but just work with me here pls:
CS
pros:

1. keeps my options open for field to go into after degree
   
2. has co op
   

cons:

1. might not really be hands on, more theory (co op will help?)
   
2. might not teach me skills I can use immediately, further certifications will be needed before I can land a basic job? (but co op experience?)
   
3. market not so good for this degree??
   

Networking and IT security
pros:

1. kinda specific degree
   
2. will teach me what i need to get certifications (e.g CCNA etc)
   
3. market is better for these jobs? (is it really?)
   
4. will be more hands on?
   

cons:

1. kinda specific degree, limits options in career
   
2. doesnt have co op
   
3. commitment to a single career stream
   

Help me
pls
im ded

So here is how it looks in my head rn, keep in mind these opinions are dependent on a lot of searching online, I may or may not have a lot of influenced views but just work with me here pls:
CS
pros:

1. keeps my options open for field to go into after degree
   
2. has co op
   

cons:

1. might not really be hands on, more theory (co op will help?)
   
2. might not teach me skills I can use immediately, further certifications will be needed before I can land a basic job? (but co op experience?)
   
3. market not so good for this degree??
   

Networking and IT security
pros:

1. kinda specific degree
   
2. will teach me what i need to get certifications (e.g CCNA etc)
   
3. market is better for these jobs? (is it really?)
   
4. will be more hands on?
   

cons:

1. kinda specific degree, limits options in career
   
2. doesnt have co op
   
3. commitment to a single career stream
   

Help me
pls
im ded

Salve,
I need advice from all of you as I want to make this trip even more worthwhile.
I'm planning with my friend to visit Italy in October. I have 18 days available and I've been thinking how to use all of these days for all the destinations I have in mind. So I appreciate your help!

• I plan to be in Rome for the first 4.5 days (including the flight day). The flight is 1 day, so 3.5 days are for Rome. The other half day is to travel to Venice. Do you think it's enough or too rush?
• Then I want to go to Venice and want to spend 2 days 2 nights in Venice. I'm not sure too if this is too rush.
• Then I want to go to Florence. I want to stay there 1 week including exploring other Tuscany cities such as Pisa, Siena, San Gimignano, Val d'Orcia, and Volterra. What I'm not sure is if I should move my accommodation to Siena or Pisa or I can just accommodate at Florence and travel around these Tuscany cities. What is your advice? Is it too long for 7 days in Florence and Tuscany?

I still have a few days left, and I'm not sure if I should spend more time in Rome and Venice. Or if i should also visit Naple and Milan and other places which I haven't known.
I don't want to go to a lot of places with little time. I want to be at a few places with longer time. That's why I want to save another future trip for places like Milan and Lake Como and the like.
I'm from Cambodia, and this trip will be the first time I'll be in Europe (I've been to the U.S., NYC to be exact, so I hope the travel experience won't be too different). Italy is a checklist place that I want to visit at least once in my life before I die, so this is meaningful for me. I've read, watched, and played videogames (Assassin's Creed Ezio chronicle) about Italy and other European nations. So from arts, to food, to Vespa, to the language, and to the history itself, I love Italy even though I have not been there yet.
Grazie!