Hera marriage and family pictures

My husband’s behaviour takes a 360 degree turn when his parents/family come and stay with us compare to when my parents come and stay with us.
When his parents are here along with his sister and his Nani (they all come together and in total 4 ppl come and stay with us) he sits in their room or with the them all the time (after work and on weekends), he is proactively making travel plans and weekend plans, he is smiling and laughing all the times. He is an early sleeper and generally have his dinner at 7:30-8 but since his family has come he eats dinner as late as 9-9:30 always with his family.
Now compare this with my parents,he used to hardly spend any time with them and used to only sit in his room and used to only come out for dinner (15-20 min) and would go back in his room, on weekends he would only come out of his room for 30 min in the entire day that too for breakfast or dinner, otherwise he would take our son with him in our room and won’t interact with my parents at all. No weekends plans he would say that he only gets weekend and would like to relax and take rest. Always eat dinner at 7:30-8Pm and go back in his room to sleep. Hardly smile or laugh. When my parents came for the first time after 2 weeks he asked me when will they go back same thing happened when they came again.
My behaviour is neutral with his parents/family, I do not sit in my room all the time like he used to do, I also try to interact with them and try to make them comfortable unlike my husband.
But I feel bad for my parents as they always feel so out of the place whenever they would come visit us, my brother live in US and my parents are both retired and live alone in Indore whereas my in-laws live in delhi and have all their relatives living in the same society (all their relatives live in the same society at a distance of 500m), they have an amazing social life in delhi.
After marriage it took 2 years for my husband to finally go and visit my home, and during the same time I would have visited my in-laws some 10-12 times.
Why is the society partial when it comes to girl family and boy family. Why is it only a girl’s responsibility to adapt to her husband’s family. I hate this hypocrisy of our society, I have spoken to my husband about this but he would not change instead would punish me if I do the same with his parents. There fore I have to be nice to my in-laws when my husband treat my parents and family some low level citizens, my parents also tell me to never fight with my husband on this issue as per them ‘ladke aise hi hote hai, koi baat nahi humein bura nahi lagta’

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Yall, I’ve had this Reddit account for years but never actually used it. While enjoying my insomnia I decided to give it a whirl… and this shit is wild. After reading a ton of posts in this subreddit here are some things I think some of you need to know. (I’ve been with my husband for 10 years)
1.) Date him when you’re fat! - guys… the shear amount of posts where men can’t stand their wives weight and these women feel like they need to maintain the same body they had at 25 is INSANE! I’ve never been happier than I am tonight that my husband met me with a few extra pounds. 😂
2.) Find the unappreciated men! - if you’re looking for dudes who will love you for the long haul find the ones that flew under the radar! My husband is hot as hell, and is only getting better with age. He was a big kid and hit his glow up right before we met. He is humble and kind and women were stupid to pass him by.
3.) Suck it…. On more than his birthday
4.) Trade off on spoon positions! - don’t sleep on the power of being the big spoon! Im 5’4” and my husband is 6’2”. Sure his back is getting most of the love, but he keeps my boobs warm and he loves the change up.
5.) DO NOT LET FAMILY FUCK WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP! - toxic family? Get your shit in order immediately! Communication is key with your partner and boundaries with family. You are each other’s priority. End of story.
6.) Rough times come in waves - You will continue to grow and change because that’s what humans do. Marriage means doing that together and often that comes at different times. Communication is crucial. Patience is a virtue, and sometimes you just gotta be the bigger person.
7.) Have hobbies and friends! - you don’t have to do everything together… seriously. You are still an individual! It’s ok to have your own time and space. My husband loves hiking. I would rather read in a hammock. He goes fishing and I would rather throw some clay. And that’s great! Have one or two things you love to do together, but don’t change everything about yourself to make someone happy. That’s dumb and will only lead to resentment.
8.) Own your sex life! - try new things, sit on his face, stick a finger somewhere… just laugh and enjoy 😉 ladies, I promise you that a true ride or die hubby will not care if your legs aren’t shaved and your thighs could crush a watermelon. Let go of those insecurities that are holding you back!
9.) Talk about kids/responsibilities BEFORE you get married! - I wanted kids, he didn’t. Accept that what your partner is telling you is what they mean! And then decide if they are worth the compromise. If you both want kids you damn sure better talk about childcare, chores, meals, money, etc. BEFORE you push out that bundle of potential divorce.
10.) You only get one life. - Really, just one… so make sure you’re with a person who you can look back in 40 years and think, damn… how lucky am I.

I hope this will either give you comfort to know you're not alone, or that your ex may be regretful for whatever reason.
9 years, been together since 18 and I just could not do it anymore. She was the only person who enjoyed me without any qualifications, and she was the first person I ever felt comfortable being some amount of myself around. She was the only person I've ever felt such curiosity for, I just wanted to know everything about her. From her favorite things and worst memories, to the mundane annoyances and joys of her every day. I think she liked the attention I gave her or something, because I was just a mentally ill loser when we met and I never really changed, I just got a job. Still, she loved me with all her heart.
In the last few years, I relied on her to validate my worth since she was the only thing I really ever loved in my life and nothing beyond the relationship gave me pride/joy. She relied on me for support in basically every aspect of her life -- emotional, physical, financial, chores, even some career-wise. We took turns being mentally unwell, but this time I just couldn't wait for her turn to be up for whatever reason. She started getting better and doing a lot of those things she does when she is happy, and I just reached a point of burnout (from multiple sources) that I became slightly resentful of the support I gave while at the same time feeling like she was abandoning me to spend time with other people when I needed help.
I couldn't talk to her about it. I was afraid she wouldn't take it serious, or that by even voicing my feelings it would unravel all her progress. Things of that nature happen during any decade long relationship, and had, but I stopped trying to even talk about it during the last few months. I was just afraid. At the time of the breakup, when I blindsided her, I really thought every little thing way she let me down in regard to my unspoken expectations was proof she didn't like or care about me anymore. I was so wrong. I am just toxically independent and hid my feelings, while she lived her life like a normal person with a normal partner who loves and communicates. I really felt afraid of the dynamic we had to the point that I couldn't admit my feelings in part for fear of hurting her, and so I just decided to end it. Normal, right?
I pictured the breakup in my head for about a month before a big emotional event triggered a hypo-manic episode on top of my deep depression, and it has not gone how I thought it would. I thought she'd cry for a couple weeks, but because of the friends she'd be living with, she'd get over me pretty quick since she had support and love all around and people to spend time with. Maybe she'd get better faster without me hanging around and being a downer all the time? I thought I'd end up spending a couple weeks getting my affairs in order and practicing my knots before taking an early exit, or I'd end up becoming a hermit who just worked his stupid little job to live in his dumb little 1 bedroom apartment for the rest of his life. To that end, I removed myself from all the group chats and stopped talking to mutual friends, so that she could have all the support they could provide. They were 90% of the people I talked to outside of work. It was self-abuse wrapped up as me doing a favor for her, which I can see now.
How it's gone is that she ended up in the hospital for a weeklong hold and I'm cycling between pretending to practice radical self-care and literally beating myself up while drinking/smoking alone in our home on a monday night. I'm just so stupid for thinking this would be a good outcome for anyone. Now its been 7 months since I fucked it all up, and after some back and forth we've agreed to go NC until the 12 month mark. I can't stop thinking about her, the pain I caused her, all the times I told her I wanted to marry her before I just stopped wanting it one day. I can't stop thinking about getting back together with her, and just doing it all again because I had a really bad week or something. I have a much better understanding of myself/why I do things or think certain ways now, but that hasn't changed me really. I'm afraid I can't change, and even if I moved on, I'd just do this all again to a new person.
I guess I wish, at the very least, that I knew what I do now back when I dumped her. I was still figuring things out and told her a lot of stuff that I was only feeling in the moment but didn't really understand. Some of it just isn't true anymore, some of it didn't need to be heard, but a lot of it is just symptoms of greater problems that would have resolved themselves if I just waited a couple months. All of it hurt her more than she needed to be hurt. I wish I never hurt her in the first place.
At this point, I am choosing to do those things that healthy people do (exercise, rest, therapy, being social, family) because I'm hoping she'll appreciate it and will have been doing the same things when I see her next. But if we're not both strongemore resilient people when that happens, we can not start a new relationship without the threat of a repeat hanging over us. So we just can not start again. And then what? I fucked up my life and then spent a year building a new one just to not have her back in it? The obvious answer is "yes," but the only answer I can really believe in is "I wasted a year of effort building a life for a guy I don't even like and I didn't even get what I wanted out of it." Its such a stupid position to put yourself into and I hate myself more than ever for doing it. I want to be positive, but it's hard.
If you're reading this post before you decide to dump someone you still love and you're also unwell, just please get into therapy and submit to the process. If you end up staying a few extra months getting your head right before you break it off, that's great! You will have an easier recovery and not so much guilt! If you get right and figure out how to solve your relationship issues(literally just talking 90% of the time), awesome! But to not give yourself that help just opens you up to this pain and guilt and crisis, even if it is the correct decision.

For context, I’m a 25yo female, that comes from a mixed background (my mother 56F is a white woman from southern Europe, my father is from the Balkans and migrated to my country when he was younger). This is relevant and you will understand later.
I moved away from home as soon as I could when I was 18 after a not so good childhood, and currently live in another European country. My parents are divorced, my father is not really in the picture, I keep in touch with my mother on a daily basis and come visit her and the rest of the family once or twice a year. We never had the best relationship but since I moved out it improved a lot. I’d say we get along better when I’m far away from home.
Anyway, back to the reason of this post. I’ve been seeing this guy for more than a year, he’s great, we’re slowly getting to know each other and see where this is going. We are not in a rush but of course this is a relationship and I felt it was time to tell something more to my mother. I’ve always been quite open about my relationships and people I was dating, however since getting older I started being more private as I don’t think it would be good to mention every failed date to my mother (lol). We come from a typical small town in southern Europe, where people are bigots and close-minded. The news on the tv are constantly complaining about immigrants coming to our country and jadajadajada. The government is mostly right wing. So yeah, I didn’t really mentioned much about this guy, first of all cause I’m trying to keep it private but also because I could imagine her reaction, since she’s the standard average middle age woman that you find on Facebook without much culture. She is ignorant not as an insult but as in the real sense of the word: she ignores, she doesn’t inform herself and just believes whatever the media tells her.
Anyway, she suspected I was seeing someone for a while, I never really said much but I’ve been giving her a few hints in the past weeks and now that I came back to my hometown for a week she started being very curious. The day after I arrived we were casually talking before bed and she just kept asking “C’mon, don’t you have a pic of this guy? Show me! C’mon c’mon! I’m your mother!” so, one side of me didn’t wanna show her, the other one was excited cause at the end of the day I’m proud of my relationship and I was happy to tell her more (maybe naively hoping for a good outcome…). So without thinking much I showed her one of the best pictures of him. Literally in the millisecond while I was showing her the picture she said something like: “hope it’s not a n****” (WHATTT???).
At that point the phone was already on her face. It was done. She said it, and at the same time she saw the picture. She was speechless and I was too. I was ashamed of her. And sad.
She didn’t say anything more for the following 10 minutes, she went to her room and I went to mine. Afterwards she just asked “does he even work?!” And I told her “don’t worry about it, he’s better off than the both of us” just to make her shut up about that question that I found so disrespectful. This made me just so sad, and disappointed.
But the worst had yet to come. We didn’t speak much about it at all until today.
We were having a casual conversation during the afternoon when the relationship topic came out. In particular, we were talking about how your partner should improve your life and not making it worse, meaning he should make you happy, he should bring good positive vibes, get along etc. that’s what I was thinking and referring to. But she started being very materialistic, she asked me “so, in which way is he improving your life?!” in a very aggressive sassy tone “I don’t see anything changing“ she said. I was mentioning that he makes me happy when the conversation degenerated. All sort of things came out of it.
She started by saying:
“well, I truly hopes this will be just a friend and you will keep it like that”
then she continued with:
“please take birth control precautions before you regret it”
“don’t come to me later saying I didn’t stop you”
and the cherry on top was:
“I would have preferred if you told me you were a lesbian cause at least that is cool nowadays”.
I was speechless and I still am.
I asked her what is it that she doesn’t like and what is she basing her opinions on, since she literally knows nothing about him. She couldn’t answer. She kept repeating the same things over and over and she also said she would never want to meet him.
I have to mention that the few guys she met that I was dating were of different cultures, but she never had a problem with them, I guess because the skin color was the same… and in her mind there are probably foreigners of Class A, B, C…
I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I neither expected such a bad reaction.
All this hurts me so much.
I don’t know what to do.
In my mind it neither makes sense cause she married an immigrant but it seems like she never really came to terms with it, she never really accepted it. For instance, I know nothing about my father’s culture, I never learned the language or interesting facts about it because nobody ever thought me anything about it. I only learned about my mother’s culture, the one of the country I lived in. And I always felt out of place because this country is extremely racist. The fact that my father was not a good husband or father has nothing to do with where he comes from. If a person is an idiot, is an idiot no matter what. And I told her this when we were talking. The fact that she had a bad experience doesn’t mean that I will, just because I’m seeing someone from a different culture. I also explained to her that I am myself an immigrant, since I’m living in another country. But it doesn’t seem to click in her head. And when I told her, to her face, that she is indeed racist, she obviously denied it, because how can she be racist if she married an immigrant herself?
And of course during today’s conversation there was some victim behavior on her side, because every time I come back here it’s certain that we are gonna fight and every time it happens I say stuff like “let’s see when and if I will come back again!”. So she was bringing that up cause the other day I said “the first racist comment I hear I’m gone”. She mentioned that, saying I don’t care about her, that she has to beg for me to call her (mind you, we write good morning, good night, text here and there during the day and we talk on the phone 3/4 times a week…). She even said that “she lost me already the moment I left”. Honestly, I don’t know what else more than this she expects from me if what I do is not enough already.
I don’t really know how to handle this. And I’m also just venting and need some support. I wished we could all act as adults, respect each other, have a normal relationship. Am I asking for too much?!
Any advice is highly appreciated.
I’ll be stuck in her house for the next two days and finally I’ll leave on Thursday. I want her to think about her actions and realize where she did wrong before I leave. I don’t wanna put this under the carpet cause it’s unacceptable.
TL;DR: my 25F mother 56F doesn’t approve of my boyfriend 28M just because of the color of his skin. Her opinion is based solely on a photo I showed her and at the same time she plays the victim and claims she lost me the moment I moved abroad and I don’t care about her even if we talk everyday. I wished there was a way to behave like adults. Advices on setting boundaries?

I am preparing to move out soon. While I have a loving relationship with my family, things are complicated and toxic. My maternal grandparents' tumultuous marriage and messy divorce have left a trail of dysfunction among their descendants, including my mom and uncle. They witnessed intense fights between their parents, including instances where guns were pointed.
During the messy divorce, my grandma manipulated my mom into lying in court to gain full custody, which my granddad deeply resents. My grandma, post-divorce, physically abused my mom and uncle, while my granddad, aware of the abuse, did little to intervene beyond a single stern warning to my grandma.
My mom became a teen mother, first at 15 with my brother, then at 19 with me, and later had my sister at 34 after being involved in a cult. We all have different fathers who have been absent. I had to step in to help raise my disabled sister, especially during her cancer treatment, as no one else was there for my mom.
My mom is in a relationship with a decent guy and regularly travels to see him. However, I'm often left responsible for my sister when she's away, unless I'm also out of town. My family is constantly embroiled in fights, and I always find myself in the middle. Despite my efforts to set boundaries, they're often disregarded since I don't yet live independently.
I've been subjected to, physical assault from my grandma, berating from my mom and grandparents, everyone saying horrible things about each other, among other things. My mom struggles with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, possibly with borderline personality disorder. My granddad has PTSD, depression, and anxiety, while my grandma has bipolar disorder.
Once I move out, I plan to write a letter to my family, outlining their toxic behavior and the impact it has had on me. I will express that I cannot continue our relationship until we undergo family therapy to achieve a healthier dynamic. Would I be the asshole in this scenario?

For context, I’m a 25yo female, that comes from a mixed background (my mother 56F is a white woman from southern Europe, my father is from the Balkans and migrated to my country when he was younger). This is relevant and you will understand later.
I moved away from home as soon as I could when I was 18 after a not so good childhood, and currently live in another European country. My parents are divorced, my father is not really in the picture, I keep in touch with my mother on a daily basis and come visit her and the rest of the family once or twice a year. We never had the best relationship but since I moved out it improved a lot. I’d say we get along better when I’m far away from home.
Anyway, back to the reason of this post. I’ve been seeing this guy for more than a year, he’s great, we’re slowly getting to know each other and see where this is going. We are not in a rush but of course this is a relationship and I felt it was time to tell something more to my mother. I’ve always been quite open about my relationships and people I was dating, however since getting older I started being more private as I don’t think it would be good to mention every failed date to my mother (lol). We come from a typical small town in southern Europe, where people are bigots and close-minded. The news on the tv are constantly complaining about immigrants coming to our country and jadajadajada. The government is mostly right wing. So yeah, I didn’t really mentioned much about this guy, first of all cause I’m trying to keep it private but also because I could imagine her reaction, since she’s the standard average middle age woman that you find on Facebook without much culture. She is ignorant not as an insult but as in the real sense of the word: she ignores, she doesn’t inform herself and just believes whatever the media tells her.
Anyway, she suspected I was seeing someone for a while, I never really said much but I’ve been giving her a few hints in the past weeks and now that I came back to my hometown for a week she started being very curious. The day after I arrived we were casually talking before bed and she just kept asking “C’mon, don’t you have a pic of this guy? Show me! C’mon c’mon! I’m your mother!” so, one side of me didn’t wanna show her, the other one was excited cause at the end of the day I’m proud of my relationship and I was happy to tell her more (maybe naively hoping for a good outcome…). So without thinking much I showed her one of the best pictures of him. Literally in the millisecond while I was showing her the picture she said something like: “hope it’s not a n****” (WHATTT???).
At that point the phone was already on her face. It was done. She said it, and at the same time she saw the picture. She was speechless and I was too. I was ashamed of her. And sad.
She didn’t say anything more for the following 10 minutes, she went to her room and I went to mine. Afterwards she just asked “does he even work?!” And I told her “don’t worry about it, he’s better off than the both of us” just to make her shut up about that question that I found so disrespectful. This made me just so sad, and disappointed.
But the worst had yet to come. We didn’t speak much about it at all until today.
We were having a casual conversation during the afternoon when the relationship topic came out. In particular, we were talking about how your partner should improve your life and not making it worse, meaning he should make you happy, he should bring good positive vibes, get along etc. that’s what I was thinking and referring to. But she started being very materialistic, she asked me “so, in which way is he improving your life?!” in a very aggressive sassy tone “I don’t see anything changing“ she said. I was mentioning that he makes me happy when the conversation degenerated. All sort of things came out of it.
She started by saying:
“well, I truly hopes this will be just a friend and you will keep it like that”
She then continued with:
“please take birth control precautions before you regret it”
“don’t come to me later saying I didn’t stop you”
and the cherry on top was:
“I would have preferred if you told me you were a lesbian cause at least that is cool nowadays”.
I was speechless and I still am.
I asked her what is it that she doesn’t like and what is she basing her opinions on, since she literally knows nothing about him. She couldn’t answer. She kept repeating the same things over and over and she also said she would never want to meet him.
I have to mention that the few guys she met that I was dating were of different cultures, but she never had a problem with them, I guess because the skin color was the same… and in her mind there are probably foreigners of Class A, B, C…
I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I neither expected such a bad reaction.
All this hurts me so much.
I don’t know what to do.
In my mind it neither makes sense cause she married an immigrant but it seems like she never really came to terms with it, she never really accepted it. For instance, I know nothing about my father’s culture, I never learned the language or interesting facts about it because nobody ever thought me anything about it. I only learned about my mother’s culture, the one of the country I lived in. And I always felt out of place because this country is extremely racist. The fact that my father was not a good husband or father has nothing to do with where he comes from. If a person is an idiot, is an idiot no matter what. And I told her this when we were talking. The fact that she had a bad experience doesn’t mean that I will, just because I’m seeing someone from a different culture. I also explained to her that I am myself an immigrant, since I’m living in another country. But it doesn’t seem to click in her head. And when I told her, to her face, that she is indeed racist, she obviously denied it, because how can she be racist if she married an immigrant herself?
And of course during today’s conversation there was some victim behavior on her side, because every time I come back here it’s certain that we are gonna fight and every time it happens I say stuff like “let’s see when and if I will come back again!”. So she was bringing that up cause the other day I said “the first racist comment I hear I’m gone”. She mentioned that, saying I don’t care about her, that she has to beg for me to call her (mind you, we write good morning, good night, text here and there during the day and we talk on the phone 3/4 times a week…). She even said that “she lost me already the moment I left”. Honestly, I don’t know what else more than this she expects from me if what I do is not enough already.
So I don’t really know how to handle this. Any advice is appreciated.
TL;DR: my 25F mother 56F doesn’t approve of my boyfriend 28M just because of the color of his skin. Her opinion is based solely on a photo I showed her and claims she lost me.

We have been together for 21 years and married 19. We are both 46 and we have 2 kids ages 12 & 17. I know that it's been a struggle for her to deal with me. I wouldn't have gotten the diagnosis without her at age 36. She loved me enough to see where I was struggling my whole life and get me the help that I should of had as a child. I love her with all my heart. It's always been hard for me to express myself to her. She constantly pushes me to be a better person. It's extremely hard to follow through to meet her expectations that I know I should. Along with rejection sensitivity, it's extremely difficult for me to initiate intimacy of any kind. She made a point to express her bisexuality ever since things became serious between us. I never understood it and was always afraid that she would leave me for a woman. Our marriage has become very strained and stressful over the years. She has expressed how I don't meet her needs. Recently she has met this amazing woman who makes her feel more special than I ever could. She meets all the needs that I can not. She is a very kind with a heart warming soul. Our whole family gets along great with her. I have been unintentionally pushing a wedge between them ans myself, due to my own insecurities and miscommunication. My wife is says that she doesn't want to lose either of us. We have had many conversations about it. I agree that she doesn't have to. It's been difficult trying to see how this will work. She is happier than before she met me. I truly believe we can make this work. I'm not looking for a physical relationship between my wife's friend and I. I just want to have some type of friendship. We have discussed things we can all do together. My rigidity, jealousy, and insecurities have really started to push everyone away from me. I would shut down every time my wife was upset with me, until her gf came along. I have now been able to open up and share my feelings. I still don't understand my feelings, so they are quite overwhelming. I've been overwhelming my wife with all my thoughts and feelings. I just want to make this work, so that we can all be happy together.

I (23 F) like this guy (23 M) but my mom told me not to date him. What should I do?
I have been in a situationship since the last 7 months. We were friends since 4 years but we started talking and didn’t even realize when we started liking each other. We legit told each other we like each other and hooked up also. He is a really nice guy but my family doesn’t approve of him because of various reasons which is why I was hesitant as I some requirements in a guy and he doesn’t meet them so I didn’t commit. I finally thought it doesn’t matter and I told my mom I’ll commit to him but she said no. The reason are: My family believes in high education- atleast masters but he doesn’t believe in it and has done very basic education from a normal university (not high rank). I will also he leaving for my education in 3-4 months time to a different country for a year. His family is very old school and has lower class mentality such as girls need to be home by 7pm or not drink whereas my family is very open. Their family also doesn’t spend on lifestyle such as food restaurants or brands whereas I love shopping and going out to read. I also wanted a guy who has traveled the world but he hasn’t. I don’t even get along with his friends which I am trying to.
But I am sooo confused, I like him but I think all these points matter in the future and once we get more serious. He wants to get serious and make it work. He thinks I am on the same page. He is a really nice person.
When we say serious, it means marriage is in the picture after 3-4 years so I don’t know if I can marry into such a family because in my culture the girl is expected to live with the family. He even jokingly mentioned he is willing to move out if his wife won’t like his family. But I am a very family oriented person and would never ask him to do something like this. I’ll just end up adjusting and this is not something my mom wants for me . She thinks I deserve better. My mom is the best person ever and she will accept him wholeheartedly if I be very persistent. He come over and she has met his family many times and dispite of thought not meeting. She gives them full respect but she doesn’t want to compromise and adjust all my life.
I thought I’ll talk to him and tell him that I don’t want to be in a situationship but also not date and he can see other people specially since I’ll be leaving for higher education so I don’t want him to wait. I feel he will suggest committing to each other (which we already have but not said it verbally).
I think it is going to be like a break up but I don’t want hurt him and still be friends.
I don’t want to hurt him, what is the right thing to say or do. Should I end it or go against my mom and see if it works? I am not marrying him rn and that is a future problem but the more I get into it . It will be difficult to leave.
Please advice.

Hi. I'm turning 40 this year I've had 3 rounds of egg freezing at around 37 and 38? I have 30 frozen eggs. I always really wanted a family as in a partner and 3 kids. I don't have a partner I haven't had a proper Ling term bf for 5 years. I date people but it doesn't last I also am pretty bad at dating in that it stresses me out. I used to model so I'm not unattractive I just have depression and anxiety so I can't really deal with dating apps a lot. My mother passed recently which is devastating. If I can't have kids I have felt all my life there's no point to me being alive.i feel my life's purpose was to be a mother. I feel like my anxiety and depression has always been around that I'm not living the life I wanted and if I can't have kids it makes me extremely depressed. Note I had endo when I was young so felt extremely depressed I'd never get to be a mother.
I have a father and sisters but I don't expect much help from my sister's and my father would help but he's in his 70s and generally I don't particularly like living here. I lived overseas before but I don't know where I'd like to be. I think being near my family might be hurtful because I'd like more support then I would get from my sister's and my father would support me in time and financially but kind of has no emotions he's not emotionally supportive.
I'm also worried about there being no make role model for my kids. The guilt.
Anyway I know a guy who is saying he would be happy to be a donor I'd sign away rights,I've known him a year we tried dating etc but he didn't want marriage etc due to trauma etc. He is in the army and overseas a lot and not the same nationality as me. He's from the US. I'm Australian. So I don't know the logistics of getting his sperm. I know another guy overseas in EU who is a pig but I'm sure I could buy his sperm because he only ever wanted money from me.
But ideally I'd like my kids to have a father who will have a relationship with them. Do video calls say happy birthday. Love them. The us guy would do that. The EU pig would not I don't think.
However I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a mother alone. I really wanted a partner but as I get older the likelihood of 3 kids is getting less and less.
What's it like actually being a mother on your own? Do you sometimes wish for a partner? My friend is a single mum and says basically no one will date her. Also I can't imagine I'd have time to date. When my kids get older and move out wouldn't I be lonely? I feel like I haven't had romantic love for so long.
How long do I wait for this dream of a partner and a family? Am I unrealistic now? Am I not trying hard enough? I guess the positive of having kids alone is I make all the decisions eg if I decide to move. But yeah I'm conflicted yet running out of time.
Any input? Thanks in advance.

So, I am coming to the conclusion my husband is pwBPD, though not diagnosed. I'm not seeking confirmation on that, but it helps me to try to understand his emotions and behaviours. Reading through posts here is helping enormously.
We've been married for 15 years, and he has always had angry outbursts, but they are getting more frequent, being triggered by (from the outside ) seemingly smaller and smaller things, and he then retreats into an angry stonewalling that is now lasting for months at a time.
Currently he is not speaking to me for several weeks, and I think that it is because I fell asleep on the sofa while waiting to help him with some medication (for a separate medical issue). I can't think of anything else that triggered it, there was no fight, I guess he just felt like I didn't care enough about him to stay awake.
I am not allowed in the room with him, he comes home late and slams things. When I have offered to help or offer a cup of tea etc, he pulls his hair and looks at me with such rage. He has held his hand up in my face and screamed that he needs space.
In the past he has only really climbed down from this point when a crisis occurs. E.g. he ended up in icu with high blood pressure, his mum ending up in icu with high blood pressure likewise, or me nearly getting deported because he wouldn't support my visa application. As in a serious crisis. Then once he starts talking again, he expects us all to carry on as if nothing happened.
This is taking its toll on my own mental health, and our daughter and his mother. I don't feel like he is choosing this, but he won't come down or allow anyone to reach out to him.
I am scared, for myself (he's not violent, but the look in his eyes terrifies me), for him (he could easily end up having a heart attack), for our marriage, for our family.
I would hugely appreciate any advice on how to approach things from anyone who finds themselves in that way. Do I just give the space he is asking for, even though this could be months, and surely makes him feel more rejected? Or do I keep trying to approach, bearing in my that even the slightest perceived criticism might result in a deepening or a full blow up. He doesn't read well, and won't read a letter, he is not responding to messages. He is not in a place to accept that he needs professional help. I'm so lost.
There is a lot of background and detail I can add if anyone needs to know, but just some basic top tips would be so helpful.
Thank you.

Hi,
Apologies for the long post but I have to explain the whole scenario. Writing this post because I am thinking using my balls right now. I am 26yo working a Job earning 10 LPA. I come from a poor family as my dad did not earn anything and didn't support us my mom had a divorce when I was just 6 months old. Since then my mom learnt nursing and worked as a nurse for years to support us and to put me through college education. In college 2nd year I met this girl lets call her priya. We hit it off well and after a few months we committed to our relationship. We did most of the things together, college placements, events etc After college we got placed in different companies and after which I asked her to marry me. She was like I would need to earn quite a bit than I was earning that time (5.5 LPA) After 2 years my salary is now 10 LPA but I still don't own any significant property to my name. We live qith my mothers side of family. They have a building in which we live in a 2 BHK so living/rent is not at all an issue as my uncle owns this place. Still I assured her that I will buy a flat/land before/after marriage just to show her family I'm kinda settled. She comes from a wealthy family, her father has a construction business and they are also political in nature so naturally they earn way more. In February she had told me she was not sure about us after agreeing to marry me. Yesterday we had a fight because of the same thing. I asked her to talk about us to her family as my family is pressing for marriage as well. (My family knows about her but they want me to get married before 29) I told my family to wait for this year. I gave her this year to tell her family about us. We laid out a plan of telling her brother first as he will be able to support her in front of her father (Her father is very strict and is the sole decision maker of the house) She always has this fear that she says 90% papa will say no for this marriage and she really is scared to talk to him even for 1 day trips. I had asked her to talk to her brother first so he can help us Her brother also doesn't know about us. Since past 2 weeks she is not able to take 1 hour from her and her brothers schedule and talk with him about us. Is it that hard? They have a pretty chill relationship. But I keep hearing in between from her bff (girl) that she seems not so sure about you that is why she might be pushing this Thankyou for reading this long post and please advice me on what should I do

Me and my boyfriend live around 4 hours apart. We talked for about 6 months before finally meeting and saying we were official. We first met June 24th of 2023. Not sure when, but a little while after, he received an inappropriate picture on Snapchat of another girl and made the mistake of opening it right in front of me. He said that she just does that randomly and told me he told her that it was inappropriate and that he has a gf now. He said he unadded her and I forgave him. Then, in August, we went on a trip together with his aunt and uncle. I checked his phone to make sure she was gone, and she wasn’t. They had been sending each other nudes and such. I confronted him about it when I got home since I don’t do well with talking about those things in person. He said that she kept complaining and so he just added her back. I told him to get rid of her again and he said he did. We were good for a while. Now it’s May and I went to visit his family. I checked his phone once again and she was there. There was only one new nude from her. I tried keeping it to myself until I got back home, but he knew I was upset. I couldn’t physically tell him so I typed it out on my notes app and showed him. He instantly went quiet and I threw up since my anxiety was through the roof. He kept saying he didn’t know why he added her back and that he had known her for 3 years and they just talked. That he didn’t ask for nudes and that she just sent it randomly one night. He ended up leaving me at his uncles house and went home bc I said I didn’t want to be around him. He didn’t want to leave me there but wanted to respect my space. I had my father come and get me (the whole 4 hours). The next day, he told me she means nothing to him and that he wants to change bc he doesn’t want to lose me. I said I would give him one more chance but I’m not sure it was the right decision bc it’s been eating away at me ever since and it’s only been a couple days. I don’t want to lose him, but I’m terrified that he will just go right back to her or that he never got rid of her in the first place. I’ve honestly never hurt more in my life and I’m not sure what to do.

Hello parents!!
Without getting too into details (otherwise this will be miles long), my husband was friends with someone who became very intertwined in his family (friends since middle school) and that friend has had it out for me since day one. talking behind my back while assuring me there were no issues, telling his family i’m bad for him, etc. this person recently crossed a HUGE line and was subsequently put in his place by my husband. my husband informed his family of what he did and requested that they all stop talking to him as he had some majorly disrespectful things to say about me and our daughter and our marriage. i have always tried really hard around my husbands friends and family, even his mom told me i need to stop lol.
for those in his family who choose not to listen and to know what he’s done and still actively communicate with this person, comment compliments on his posts and speak to him about this matter, is it fair for me to withhold my child from them?
I’m feeling conflicted and here’s why: 1. if I withhold, i’m preventing my daughter from seeing and knowing certain members of her family over drama and comments/claims that i know aren’t true. 2. if i don’t withhold, i’m allowing them to walk all over me and still giving them access to my most precious tiny baby even though they participate in the shit talking. 3. if i withhold, it will make it easier to say awful things about me as they will have something to cling to that will justify them being shitty. 4, if i don’t withhold, i’m showing my daughter that it’s okay to let others disrespect you and still give them what they want from you.
any advice is really helpful!!

My partner told me about getting therapy for narc abuse they felt with their ex. I've had my therapist tell me that too, and I felt an immediate bond with my partneex. My therapist told me it could be ctpsd because of how I grew up. I was also struggling to be okay with my sexuality at the same time.
I'm someone who seems to have a problem with "everyone". I distanced myself from my family, friends because sometimes I feel like there's no point of all the interaction when most of it is fake pretense and Im going to be drained out anyway.
I became kind of codependent on my partner. She is very caring when she is. Looking out for my comfort and trying to make sure I have my needs fulfilled. But then again that's my fault not her's that I'm codependent.
A lot of the times, I feel like I'm being gaslighted, told that what I see, hear or remember is wrong. And maybe it is sometimes but not everytime. Being told that "I should record our conversations so I can prove it to you" .
Then I wonder if they really love me and care for me so deeply or just trying to control me. Its always me who tries to solve the issue after an argument. And anytime I bring up something that's been bothering me, I feel like I've put an axe to my foot. But at the the same time I have been angry and blown up when they brought up something too.. I've been told things that hurt me, calmly, and when I raise my voice, I am told that I am rude.
I've been told to "hate" specific people because they do. I said no and then they kept poking into my past until it reminded me all the trauma I had to go through in that relationship because it was an arranged marriage. They tell me it wasn't my fault and at the same time everytime they talk about it makes me feel defensive about myself and my inability to stop that from happening. They tell me its not me they are blaming but my ex, but why though? Why should I have to worry about my partner's anger towards my ex?
And its usually the way things are told.. Being told that I should not be doing something because other people are predatory just makes me feel like I'm not being trusted. And the n they tell me its not me they are mad at but the other people. I feel like I have to be worried about it.
This week I got really mad at an argument and called her a "f'ing narcissist". She got really mad at hearing it and said "YOU'RE the narcissist and people like you should be shown how they're wrong with a tit for tat" I've been told I spit a lot of poison when I'm fighting. And maybe I do. I do try to hurt them as much as I feel hurt. Everytime I'm being told after an argument that they're leaving me. Sometimes I just reply with "Please do.. And leave now, why take a week." She tells me that she have no will to live if Im not with her. Why say that? Either leave or try to solve it. 8/10 its been me who stopd her from leaving. She tells me I never give her the time to be the first to try. Maybe I do get too eager to try to solve the issue? Am I love bombing her by telling her that I love her and that I want to try my best to solve whatever the issue is?
So yes, maybe I AM the narcissist. Should I just stop even trying to find love/happiness then? Should I just live alone with my sad self until the end?

I am STILL NOT the Original Poster. That is u/ta-bff-234324. He posted in AITAH and amiwrong but posted the same text in both subreddits. I chose to use the ones from AITAH
Thanks again to u/Literally_Taken for the rec and to Choice Evidence and u/chickenoodledeprived for letting me know about the update!
Previous BORU here. New update marked with ****\*
Trigger Warning: racism
Mood Spoiler: tentatively happy ending
Original Post: April 1, 2024
My (29M) best friend Jess (29F) keeps on mentioning my ex (29F) in front of my fiancee, and I am thinking of cutting her off. I want to know if I am overreacting, or if Jess is in the wrong.
For context, Jess and I went to the same high school and the same college. We were friends in high school. However, since we both went to the same out-of-state college, we became best friends since then. We have always been there for each other during the best and worst times. However, things have always been platonic, and she is more like a big sister to me, who made sure I stay on the right track.
I have only been in two long-term relationships so far. One was with my ex Lisa for 7 years. We met in college and dated all through our college years. Lisa and Jess also became good friends, too. After college, Lisa and I just grew apart and had different goals in life. I became "boring" after college as I was working on my PhD while doing a full time job. Lisa broke up with me as she wanted to party on weekends, while I was home studying. I was heartbroken, but I don't think I ever blamed her or had resentment towards her, as I understood my decisions were selfish and should not hold her back from having the best life.
Jess always stood by me and comforted me during that time. Jess and Lisa were good friends and Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready. I foolishly held on to that hope and stayed friends with Lisa. That was until I met my fiancee Yang. After I finished my PhD, I got a nice job in a big tech company. Yang joined our team a year after me. We started going out for drinks, and dinner and we started dating seriously pretty soon. We are happy together, and financially in a great place. Needless to say, I stopped talking to Lisa after I started dating Yang.
I proposed to Yang a year after we started dating and got engaged last year. Jess has been acting weirdly since we got engaged. One of the first things she said to Yang after we got engaged was how I had planned the same thing for Lisa (proposing on a local hiking trail). It was a bit off-putting that she was bringing up Lisa whom I broke up with almost 5 years ago on such a happy occasion. However, Yang asked me to not spoil my mood, as she felt Jess was just commenting on how I had that plan in mind for years. Since then, every time we meet, Jess without fail brings up Lisa and how the things I am doing are all the things I had planned with Lisa. This happened when we bought a house, planned for vacations, etc. Jess always starts with some nostalgic story and then brings up how Lisa and I were so happy together. She is still good friends with Lisa and keeps giving me updates about Lisa and how great Lisa is doing at work when no one is asking for it. It felt like she was painting a rosy picture of Lisa to Yang and telling Yang that she would always be second to Lisa.
Yang told me Jess's comments bothered her, and I also felt the same. I have brought this up with Jess many times and asked her not to do it. However, she says she will try but since I dated Lisa for 7 years, she would be part of many stories from the past. Also, she asked me why talking about Lisa bothers me and if I still have feelings for her. I have reduced hanging out with Jess. However, she is close with my mom and is always invited to all our family parties and holidays.
I talked to my mom and sister about this and they feel I am overreacting. They feel Jess is just telling stories and since the stories are mostly from college days and later, Lisa will be a character in the story. They also feel I should not be bothered by Jess mentioning Lisa since we broke up a long time ago. I feel that it's disrespectful to Yang as she doesn't need to hear about all the fun Lisa and I had when we were together and how we were planning to get married. Do you think I am the asshole to stop here or Jess is truly acting out of line?
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Probably need to separate your time with your fiancé away from your friend. ... On a side note, your friend comes across poorly on one other aspect. When you were too busy to date so you could study. She is encouraging you to stay available while your ex goes about dating around? Think she ever encouraged your ex to not? Or do you think she was telling your ex she could have all the fun she wanted cause you'd still be around? Food for thought.

OOP: She thought we were 24 when we broke up and she always justified that Lisa was young and it's natural to date around before you settle down. She also encouraged me to do the same. However, after my breakup, I decided that I would not be in a relationship (based on what happened to the previous one) and never dated anyone until after I graduated.

Commenter: Not wrong, in fact it's thoughtful of your finace's feelings. " Jess always kept on telling me that Lisa loves me and will be back one day when I am ready." - yikes.
An easy: "Jess, you keep bringing up my ex, and keep making comments which are dismissive of my relationship with Yang. I am telling you point blank that this is harming our friendship and it saddens me that you dismiss my feelings as being unimportant on this topic. If you can't respect me, and my relationship with Yang, please understand why it will likely end our friendship."

OOP: We have had this exact conversation. Jess then proceeded to ask Yang is she offended by her telling stories about me. Yang was polite and said she is ok. Then she told me I am being too sensitive.

Commenter: Op do you know if Lisa is married? Maybe Jess is trying to sabotage your engagement so you can be with Lisa.

OOP: I know Lisa is single. She has not been in any serious long term relationship after me. Infant, Jess always makes it a point to bring that up regularly and update me, even after I tell her I have no interest. My mom loves gossip and they also discuss a out Lisa regularly.

Jess is just being a mean girl/have you talked to Lisa at all?
At this point, I suspect Jess is just being mean to Yang. I would have cut her off long ago if she was not so close to me or my family for so many years.
Lisa is out of the picture, to be honest. I have completely gone no contact with her for the last 2 years.
Jess has feelings for you:
That's not true. I did not write it since I thought it was irrelevant, but Jess is happily married and has a 3 year old kid.
There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but top comments were NTA
Update Post: April 23, 2024 (22 days later)
I wrote a post a month ago regarding my friend Jess mentioning my ex constantly in front of my fiancée. Thanks to everyone who commented, and how inappropriate it was. However, the last month has been nothing but crazy and I still trying to make sense of what happened so far.
After my post, I decided to talk to Jess and gave her an ultimatum not to speak about my ex Lisa again. I know Jess and Lisa are still friends, but I was uncomfortable of her comparing my fiancée Yang with Lisa all the time. I broke up with Lisa 5 years ago, and she is nothing but a faint memory in my past. Jess kept on defending herself and telling me that I was with Lisa for most of my adult life and it's hard to tell any stories from the past without including her. She also blamed me for being emotionally childish and just forgetting about Lisa when she was with me for 7 years. Finally, Jess agreed that she will not bring up Lisa in front of Yang, and I should also not treat Lisa as she does not exist since she is still Jess's friend. I informed Yang about our conversation. Although she was appreciative about it, she said I did not need to do it and she knows how much I love her and every time Jess brings up my Lisa, she feels sorry for Lisa that she let a guy like me go.
Yang went to visit China two weeks ago for a month as we plan to get married in her hometown. She is taking care of her shopping as well as preparations for the wedding. Jess invited me to her house that Friday for dinner as I was home alone. I am also good friends with her husband, and we were all just chatting and drinking in the living room. Around 7.30pm, the doorbell rang, and Jess excitedly went to open the door. To my surprise, it was fucking Lisa at the door. She was all dressed up as if she were ready for a date and came in. I had not seen her in person for almost 3 years and I was shocked to see her. She sat down and started making small talk with me. I was extremely uncomfortable and went into the kitchen to talk to Jess. I was angry at her and asked her what was going on. She kept on telling me that it's been 5 years since the breakup and to get over it and be nice to Lisa. She said Lisa was excited to meet me and she thought we were all adults and could have one fun evening together. We had a fight and I told her that she should not have invited Lisa after our conversation the other day and I do not want to be friends with her anymore. I went into the living room and politely excused myself and told everyone that I had a work emergency and had to leave early. Lisa looked sad, but I genuinely felt uncomfortable to be made to hang out with my ex without my consent.
I came home and called Yang. I have never seen her more furious, and she told me she is not comfortable with Jess anymore as she has some agenda that we do not know about. It's different to talk about Lisa, but to invite her without consulting is not ok. I also felt the same and I called Jess the next day and told her that she crossed a line, and I was terribly upset with her. I stopped taking her calls and ghosted her. I also told my mom and sister about the whole incident.
Last Sunday, my mom called me for lunch. When I got there, I saw Jess was already there. I told my mom that I do not want to talk to Jess and can't stay. However, she asked me to sit as they all wanted to talk to me. I have a glutton for punishment and decided to hear them out. My mom started with how Jess has been there for me all these years and only has my best interest at heart. She kept on telling me that they are the three people (mom, sister, and Jess) that love me the most. Jess started saying how she felt that I was making a big mistake in not having to hear what Lisa had to say. She told me that Lisa was my first love and Lisa is now ready to settle down and we can pick where we left off. She reminded me how broken I was when Lisa left me and how life is giving me a second chance. My sister also chimed in and said how they all liked Lisa more than Yang and how we both looked so great together. Finally, my mom started saying how our culture was so different than Yang and it is hard for them to relate to her. I asked them in what way, and my mom said that they did not understand what Yang says sometimes and have nothing in common with her. Then my mom asked me to think about how Lisa and I would have such wonderful looking kids, while if I marry Yang, our kids will look so different. I started getting their drift and I probed more. My mom told me how our kids would look Asian with "small eyes" and not like any others in the family.
I asked my mom if she cared about my kids looks more and not about how smart they will be since Yang has a PhD. She blew it off, and I realized she just did not want me to marry Yang because she was Chinese and not white. My mom told me to forgive Jess and my mom asked Jess to talk to Lisa on my behalf and asked her if she would be interested in getting back together with me. My mom was adamant that since I loved Lisa so much, I should be happy and pick up things where we left off as that is the best for everyone. I have never been so angry and may have said a lot of unkind things to all of them before I left
I am so depressed right now. I not only lost my best friend, but also am not sure how I can move on from what my mom said. My mom and sister raised me and that is the reason where I am today. However, I cannot get over how racist they are being and how they were just pretending to like Yang all these years while actively working on breaking us up. I have been so shocked that I have not told any of this to Yang so far. I might wait for her to come back next week and talk to her in person.
Again, thanks everyone for all your messages on the last post as they helped me a lot to think through the situation. My life is more fucked up than I could imagine, and I cannot imagine how dejected Yang will feel after hearing all this.
*****New Update Post: May 7, 2024 (5 weeks after OG post)****\*
I wrote a post two months ago regarding my best friend Jess constantly bringing up my ex when talking to my fiancée Yang. I wrote an update two weeks ago about my mom, sister and Jess scheming about trying to get me back with my ex Lisa because they were uncomfortable with Yang being Chinese. They tried to do it when my fiancée was visiting her parents and I felt so betrayed by their actions.
As I said in the previous post, I blew up on my mom and sister about what they said and immediately left. I did not take calls from them or answer texts for the next several days. Their messages initially were anger towards me on why I left before they could finish what they wanted to say. However, I think they realized on day 3 that they might have crossed the line this time and became extremely apologetic. I finally messaged them to leave me alone and not to contact Yang or I until we contact them. Jess did not message me the whole time.
I did not tell Yang about the situation until she came back home 9 days ago. I initially did not know how to bring up the subject, but she sensed something was wrong and asked me about it. I was so worried about hurting her, but I told her about what happened. I was upfront about the stunt Jess pulled and she was angry at Jess. I also told her about my visit to my mother's place, but she did not react with any anger. She just asked me if I was ok.
The next few days were confusing where I was more upset than Yang. She was just excited showing me all pictures and telling me stories. Finally, on last Thursday evening, she opened up and asked me if I was ok about my mom's behavior and what I plan to do. I told her my thoughts and how I cannot forgive them for what they said about her being Asian and them wanting me to marry a Lisa because she was white. I asked her why she was not more upset as it was bothering me.
She told me that when she told her parents about me, they had the exact same reaction for her dating someone who was not Chinese. Her family is very traditional, and her parents were very upset about her decision. It took them a few months to warm up to me and accept me. She never told me about this because she wanted me to have good relationship with her parents. She told me that now they are the most excited doing arrangements for our wedding.
She told me that she has always felt something was off when she talked to my mom, my sister or Jess and they did not like her. My mom and sister would be very friendly with her in front of me, but never invited her for anything when I am not around. She suspected that it may be due to fact that she is not white and does not understand the American traditions. She said she is not upset with them and now that this is in the open, she should talk to them and assure them that she would be as good of a wife as Lisa or any other girl. She said that she does not want to break a family in order to start a new one.
Despite my protests, Yang invited my mom and sister for lunch on Sunday. She said that it would be good for us to talk about everything and hear why they are concerned about her marrying me. I was really not happy with this, but Yang spent most of Sunday morning cooking for them.
When my mom and sister arrived, there were a lot of waterworks and apologies. My mom apologized to Yang and me for her behavior and told us that she would never bring it up again. My sister also was quiet and had tears in her eyes. There were a lot of blame games. My mom and my sister were blaming Jess for constantly telling them how Yang might not be great for me and how she won't fit into our family. My mom and sister fought with Jess after I left and Jess blamed Lisa. Based on Jess's story, Lisa has been depressed for the last few years and when I suddenly got engaged to Yang, it became worse. Jess thought I was also depressed after Lisa left me, because I did not date anyone for 3 years. In reality, I just wanted to focus on my work and studies and never had time. So, Lisa convinced Jess that she has to get back together with me as that is what I wanted too. Jess said how sorry she felt for Lisa as she was her longtime friend and listened to her plan as she thought it was good for everyone.
My mom and sister told us that I should stay away from Jess because she orchestrated the whole situation. They kept on hugging Yang and apologizing to her. Yang in turn also started crying and telling them that she will do better to fit in with them. It was all a big mess. I am still skeptical of my mom's change in heart, but I also want to see Yang happy. However, I think it will take a lot of time and healing before I could truly trust my mom and sister.
Currently, my mom invited us to lunch at her place next week and told me that Jess will not be there. Jess has still not message me or Yang. I really don't know what I can do in this situation. I am still upset and furious at my mom, but I also want to respect Yang's effort to keep the family together. Thanks to everyone for all the messages and supportive comments. It really helped reading them when I was feeling very sad.

My (35m) wife (35f) and I make more than I ever could have imagined (250k HHI, double what we were making just 4 years ago) yet it I can’t shake the feeling of being “poor” because her spending / never ending desire of big ticket “needs” is stressing me out.
This has been amplified after moving from our starter house in the city to our new build “forever” home in the suburbs. The house is beautiful and we have great neighbours with similar aged kids but it’s taking up too much time and money to maintain for my liking. More importantly it just feels like my wife will never feel content with our own home since she’s always comparing to the neighbours who a) all seem to be at least 5 years older than us b) moved in two years before we did so have a head start on things like interior decorating/landscaping and c) have just flat out spent more than we have and thus I’ll always feel this way despite being in A beautiful home and in the best financial shape of our life.
Off the top of my head, in the past 18 months we’ve have spent 8k on a fence, 3k on window treatments for two rooms, 5k on a mattresses, 4k on a second car, and 5k on lasik. All things that we “needed” but just seems like it’s never ending and leading to more expensive purchases. Now she wants deck and 100k backyard.
We’re saving a decent amount, albeit about 80% of total retirement savings have been in my accounts despite her income being 33% more than mine. I just hate this feeling of non-stop spending when we could be better securing our future. Ive been raising this to our therapist for years but my wife just can’t stop and/or doesn’t seem to care.
The stress led to a mental health breakdown recently in part due to my wife’s spending but also some personal reasons (stress from my job, my niece turned 14, which was the age I was when my dad died to obesity (caused by family, work, and financial stress), and my mom started chemotherapy and I was exposed to her awful financial picture, despite having a paid off house and decent pension).
It’s not all bad financially with my wife so it would be a disservice not to mention the following things that I consider myself lucky to have in a spouse. 1. She’s smart and makes good money 2. She never spends what we don’t have (goes into debt) 3. Her desire for more was the extrinsic motivation that led to increased incomes for both of us, but i thought the saving would continue after we had enough for the new house. Unfortunately, it’s just turned into lifestyle creep.
My main goal is living life to the fullest (heavy on experiences, less so on material possessions) and teaching my daughter a healthy and active lifestyle. Should I be this stressed with our financial picture? Am I just being paranoid? Maybe I need to stay off all these money forums? Or do I need to give my wife some sort of ultamatim about getting on the same page financially if she wants to stay together?
HHI: 250,000 Monthly Net: 11,000 (after taxes, health insurance, 401k, hsa, and dependent care fsa)
Major Expenses Mortgage: 4000 (640,000 remaining, pmt includes P&I, home insurance, and taxes) Daycare: 1300 Grocery/Gas: 600 Utilities: 400 Cleaner: 250 Cars: 0
Retirement Accounts: 152,000 (401k, 403, HSA) Cash: 20,000 Brokerage: 17,000 Monthly Retirement Savings: 3,333 Monthly Sinking Fund Savings: 800

Hi I am a (18f) and my ex best friend (14f) have been friends for six to five years and me and her met on the bus since her mom is a bus driver but imma call her Ella she and I have been off and on for years but I wanna know if I am the butthole for choosing to not be friends with her and cut off contact with her because of how she was treating our friends and me and some of the things she has done while being friends with me. So this all started back when me and our first were starting to hang out so that was back in 2022. We’re at our house we were talking having fun just chilling around. She had to leave to do something for her family while I was in the room talking to one of her friends, let’s call him Billy me and him didn’t like each other at all but we made sure to be nice to each other when Ella is around but we were constantly bickering at each other, but that’s besides the point she and Billy have been friends for years years and that’s right before I even came into the picture so I was in a different state while she was being friends with Billy bickering at each other, but that’s besides the point she and Billy have been friends for years years and that’s right before I even came into the picture so I was in a different state while she was friends with Billy but those two have been off and on for years friends to lovers time stuff and I was just a third wheel so I was basically just third wheeling them, but while she was dating him, she would have other guys added onto snap like talking to them and entertaining them like what your dating someone while talking to other guys was wild to me I didn’t say anything because I didn’t wanna meddle in their relationship and plus I didn’t really know him at the time barely but me and him have started getting really close and those few months and I decided to tell him that I hope you know your girl has been talking to some other dudes and that’s when he decided to not date her anymore so those two broke up Ella and Billy are friends still and we decided to add another member to our group which would be? laya And me and her don’t know each other about at that time we were getting to know each other and we actually became really good friends Ella thought it would be the best thing ever to be in a poly relationship with Billy and laya and here’s where things take a turn for the worst for five months those three were dating while I was over at our three were dating while I was over at her house SHE WAS TALKING TO OTHER MEN WHILE BEING IN A relationship but that’s not all she had other apps to also talk to hot other men and showing me what she was doing she had me snap them and everything was just a hell no for me and when it got to those three breaking up me and her decided to stop being friends that was right at the same time me and Josh and when it got to those three breaking up me and her just decided to stop being friends that was right at the same time me and Billy and I were talking and we were talking about her behavior and what was going on because he kept saying she kept doing this shit over and over and I was like why would you still be together with her if you knew or since I’ve told you that she was cheating on the three of you and this was back in may or june so it was fresh out of the water type shit and me, Billy, laya decided to drop Ella and start a new friendship circle to say away Ella but we also added a new member her name is Zara and she also had bad encounters with Ella and as we were being friends having fun just being chill , me and Billy started dating we were dating for two months so that was June and July but here comes the funny part. All of us decided to stop being friends and also dating each other because I was busy with school, and they were also busy with school so we just left and not have been friends when it came to me and laya she started to be friends again back in august and we were playing Fortnite we were playing anything talking having fun texting and she asked if I could adopt her. I said yes because why not. And then I found out that Laya and Billy dated broke up and then found out again Zara and Billy are dating by Ella we slowly decided to be friends again to keep the peace and have no more drama but here comes the craziest plot twist. This will happen in 2023 till like 2022 now here comes 2024 rolling in February or always hung out with each other having fun so we were just chilling. Me and Billy were liking each other our whole entire friend group dated him. I didn’t. I only dated him once maybe twice that was it learned my lesson from that but slowly, it was just a type of feelings, but it slowly fades away. That’s what it was happening to me and my daughter laya got grounded from her real parents and told me and our friends that she was grounded for a week so her boyfriend let’s call him Iggy that whole entire week. He was crying. He was missing her. Let me just say on Valentine’s Day. He said he was single and that he didn’t have a girlfriend because she got grounded and couldn’t talk to him so me and my other friend we were like on FT with him, and we were trying to get a spirits up by playing with other filters on there apparently he didn’t like the Valentines ones. I kept telling us to change it. It was whatever we did anyway, and it was messed up then right after that it was a Friday I decided to text. Laya and I was telling her that your boyfriend was saying he was single and then also the same day Zara was dating Ella and let me tell you the whole entire week. Ella was talking to laya’s bf iggy while Ella was in a whole ass relationship with one of my friends Zara so when I told both of them that Ella and Iggy were talking nonstop, calling FaceTime in texting each other on Snapchat and on phone numbers and then come to find out that those two were dating while being a whole ass relationship with two other people the other two people are laya and Zara so those too were broken, they were crying. I was trying to cheer them up when it got to but like, why would you do that to your significant other so that was my question I kept questioning why I was still friends with her, but at the same time I was just trying to keep the peace between our families. She tried to call the police on me or at least threaten me, saying if I didn’t return her switch, she called the cops on me even though she left my house at a sleepover thing. She got fucking bonkers like Billy and Ellis are no longer friends like they were hitting each other, but they were trying to get along, but it didn’t work out because I decided to be a whole ass bitch to him and not be friends and it was wild because I didn’t know so me and Billy started dating again in April and I guess Ella didn’t like how much I was talking about but she can talk about relationships though so it was random or decided to contact with each other because she was very toxic she wasn’t mature enough to handle relationship because all she ever did was cheat on every significant other she had and what was crazy is she had a app called wizz on there talking to guys WHO ARE OLDER THEN HER and now she’s dating a guy who is retarded as hell if I’m being honest like he’s a type of person that you don’t want anyone hanging around with because he kept lying about his age and then there was like a whole lot of shit with him and I just didn’t like him but like shit put me through has made me question my life choices, man like cheating on others with someone then also had the audacity to threaten my mom multiple occasions texting her late at night while she’s trying to sleep then going bad shit crazy when I called off the friendship multiple times damn well thinking you were going to change your fucking self because what you were doing was not healthy. It was toxic as hell then call me a toxic bitch who deserves no fucking life or some shit like that idk but like it’s crazy how I had to spend my high school years, trying to help her with her mental health and try to help her out anyway I can but in return I just get no help back like it was like one side of friendship I guess but the reason why I was friends with the 14 year year-old even though I’m 18 because I’m the only older kid living on our stree and she doesn’t have any of her friends living near her except me and she doesn’t have any of her friends living near her except me and most of her friends don’t talk to her and yeah everything in the span of 2021 to 2024 with was wild and not drama free.