At the start of March I felt like I was going down with something it started with a whole body muscle/bone pain and then at night the back pain was really severe and I developed a fever of 37. 4 celcious and sweated that night. I've also been having some neck discomfort burning sensation and randomly noticed a lump after a few days of my fever night. I got an ultrasound that showed several non patholgoically enlarged lymph nodes both under my jaw and right and left side of neck and also the lump one was described in the report as "hypoechoic oval shaped (lymph node?) Measuring 9.5mm".the radiologist also felt an occipital one and said it was most likely also a lymph node. I also had a clear chest X ray and cbc was normal, along with esr, crp and thyroid hormones, LDH, ca-125, ANA, Igh Igm Iga all normal. A hematologist felt my nodes on my neck and the groin ones that are palpatable too on both sides but didnt request even an ultrasound they are pea sized. Also an ENT checked me and said everything ok despite my left ear also echoing loud noises from time to time. So they all dismissed me with having a viral infection but after 3 months lymph nodes are still the same and while stretching my neck I get cramps and when I apply pressure behind my neck it also triggers a muscle cramp and my occipital node feels sensitive. I have off and on muscle cramps all over the body, also jaw bone pain and under cheekbones feel like a pressured from time to time. Constantly I feel my hip flexors kind of going numb or sore when I open or rotate my leg and I feel the inside of my left buttock muscle spasming or tightening. The back pain and back of neck/muscle pressure gets worse at night while laying down. I also tested for covid the flue and some other tests but were all negative. Should I look into this further or could it be a lingering virus still after 2-3 months?

"But newcomers won't need to learn all those things — it'll just be in a section of the docs titled 'old stuff'."
I was re-reading the original runes blog, hoping that I misunderstood it the first time I read it back in September.
https://svelte.dev/blog/runes
But, it made me just as sad as it did last time.
I've gone from (over many years):
jQuery -> Angular -> React -> Vue -> Svelte
Always in search of the easiest framework to write in that gets out of my way and requires the least amount of code for the same outcome. So far, Svelte 4 has been the best, by a large margin, and React has been the worst.
It saddens me that Svelte 5 is going a React direction, and worse, is going to be "hiding" everything that made Svelte the best option in some dusty docs section called old stuff.
It moves developer experience to secondary, in the same way react does, and puts granular ability to control reactivity in its place.
A few examples:
export let is superior to $props. In typescript each prop is definable inline making it cleaner to read and less boilerplate to write as you don't have to write the types and then wrap it in a type to specify on the props import. Instead devs are going to inline it in the $props definition and make the code this long and superfluous type definition, as they do in react. I also believe export is closer to JavaScript itself, meaning you're not introducing new concepts, but teaching the language.
$effect is just useEffect without the dependency array, and is a source of constant confusion, questions, and pain for react developers. I know there are problems with the $: syntax, but it's rare I bump up against them, or can't fix them easily. For most everyone it'll require writing 13 more characters for every effect you write, bloat surrounding it, and separates derived and effects into two distinct things to learn for newcomers instead of one as it was before. (I've never liked the $: syntax tbh, it's weird, but it is def better than $effect and $derived imo)
$state is just useState and although I'm happy to have better support for arrays and objects, that could have been done without the unnecessary function that bloats the code. One of the reasons that React is so hard to maintain as it grows is that it grows not only with logical code, but boilerplate. And all of the hooks are the biggest culprit.
So, my biggest gripe is that it's requiring writing more code, to do the same thing, for the majority of developers. It feels like runes were created for the minority who needed that control, which is great that they have a solution, but then thrusted down the throats of every new and existing developer by hiding the "old" stuff that made Svelte, in my opinion, the best framework choice for going lightning fast.
It feels like a design choice intended to help migrate react devs to svelte, instead of make good choices for the developer experience of svelte, which is what svelte really excels at. I came to svelte because it was the closest to pure html, css, and JavaScript that I could find which also supported modern concepts.
I don't know why I wrote this. I guess I'm just hurt, because I love Svelte, and I'm sad to see it mimic frameworks that I've been trying to run from for poor DX, and I needed to tell people who might actually understand, cause my wife wouldn't 😅

Edit: DO NOT message me a simple hi or hello, with no information about you, Put some effort in to your message like i have, come on. Day+Attempt#187
Hello everyone, Thank you for taking the time to read, I know its long, I know - I know. But its worth the read, Trust me. I appreciate you immensely.
Here's a bit about me,
My name is Jay, I live on the East coast of the US. I'm looking for love - like everyone else on here.., but you may not believe or even be doubtful that I've never had a GF before with me being 26, but its true. I'm simply just not willing to "be with" just anyone and I'm very picky. I want us to be a match, more than just have similar things in common.
One thing I have always been told is that I'm a "Real Catch, I'd be extremely lucky to have someone like you" - WELL THEN TAKE ME. I'M FREE. LOL.
About me:
Physically -
~I'm a semi-tall guy, around 5'10.
~I'm thin but muscular.
~I have dirty blonde/ brown hair.
~Changing colored eyes.
~A voice nice enough to melt all your safeguards and get right into your heart and weak spots.
~I do not have any tattoos or piercings. Though I would like to get some eventually.
If you'd like to see a picture of me just ask and I'll show you - IF I may see you as well, I simply just don't want a picture of me out there for anyone to see.
-If there's anything else you'd like to know just ask.
Otherwise -
~I do have 3 pet bunnies I would be more than happy to show you, they are extremely cute.
~I'm a very honest and down to earth guy.
~I'm very patient and easy going.
~I'm very curious and inquisitive. I will try to ask everything I can to learn all about you haha.
~I'm Very VERY Kind & Caring, I will probably ask how you are feeling a bajillion times a day, simply out of care for you.
~I can get pretty clingy, and will always want your attention and to be talking with you. If i have someone im interested in i wont want to talk to anyone else🤷‍♂️
~I'm very trustworthy - you can confide in me, and entrust your deepest secrets and I wont tell a soul.
~I'm a HUGE hopeless romantic, im old fashioned and will always try to impress you.
- I'm, a BIG softie even though I may look a smol bit intimidating, but I'd do just about anything to see you smile or laugh. And yes.., I do mean anything.
~I'm a big goof - I will get up to some silly shenanigans ALL the time, I will crack dumb jokes and send you memes and tik toks just to make you happy, even if its from across the room I'd wait to see your reaction lol.
~I'm extremely loyal, and would never even think of cheating.
~I will cook for you, and clean up too, even around the house, I'm very self productive and don't ask for much. Just don't forget to kiss the cook.
~I'd also love to just cuddle up and watch a movie or read a book together, anything to get us closer. Id try to take you out on dates whenever possible haha. I have a million SUPER romantic date ideas I have but have never had anyone interested enough in me to take out. Here's your chance ;)
~I will always want to share stuff I find interesting with you, and try to share every moment of every day with you. I'm not looking for someone who can only talk for a small amount of time, I want someone who's willing to put in all the effort I put into them back into me, it goes both ways. If I'm "with" someone you are my TOP priority nobody and nothing else would be. You would be the only person I'd truly want to talk to, so rest assured I would NEVER cheat, even more so because no one is interested in me - Hence why I'm here hahaha.
I'm sure there is more to me than this snippet but I cant think of more at the moment haha, so get to know me and find out more about me.
Some of my interests are: Engineering- I'm a nerd. I admit it. I love being technical and hands on, I love building things. All kinds of things, from furniture, machinery, and reverse engineering anything I find. I love learning how things work and trying to improve things.
Music - I prefer music with a very fast pace, or with some very meaningful lyrics I can relate to. I love to sing along to music and songs that have a deep meaning behind it I can sympathize with makes it all the better. Some bands I like are: Bad Omens, Beartooth, Demon Hunter, MIW, I9K - The list goes on. I'm a bit of a metalhead unfortunately.
TV Shows & Movies - I love watching shows, and I'd love to stream some shows and have some E-dates with you, to get to know you, or if you are close to me, maybe we could do it in person. Some shows I like or more of the Fantasy/Sci-Fi, Comedy, Action, stuff like: National Treasure, Halo, BattleBots, Rick and Morty, AHS, Anything Marvel or DC, The Witcher, Wednesday, The Sandman, The Magicians, The Umbrella Academy, ETC.
Gaming - Yes yes I know, Basic guy likes basic stuff. But gaming has been a thing for me since forever. I know most of you wont care or want to hear that, but I'll leave out the specifics on this part unless you are interested in that, MEGA Bonus points if you are.
Here's a lists of Cons to dating me-
~I'm not Ryan Reynolds. Disappointing, I know.
~I will fight you on what goes on pizza lol.
~I'm not rich.., Yet.
~I can't pronounce Worcestershire.
~I'm slightly forgetful, but with good reasoning.
~(Not really a con but- some might disagree) I still have ALL of my firsts, Do with that what you will c:
~I've got an endless pile of love and affection and no one to give it to! What a dilemma! Help me fix it?
Other than that I'll save the rest for a bit more of getting to know each other.
Here's a bit of what I'm looking in you:
~Preferably someone with lots of free time, and loves to chit chat. I'm seriously not interested in getting 1 message a day. Though I understand people get busy, I personally am not willing to try to learn about you and form something with 7 responses a week. Effort gets reciprocated and I appreciate the time you put in me.
~Physically: -I’m not personally attracted to anyone who’s “curvy/ chubby”, I apologize. Not a shallow thing, I just dont have the attraction chemical in my brain for that, I’m sorry. -If you’re shorter than me, thats a plus to me. -I love dimples, if you have those when you smile, bonus points 😊 - I’m not sure what else to put.., but as for nsfw wise find out😂
~I'm a sucker for a different accent other than American, and if you have an Posh English accent you have already won my heart.
~I'm also only really looking for someone within the ages of 18-35. I don't want anyone old enough to be my mom lol.
~I'd prefer (But not a must) people NOT on the other side of the world, as other time zones SUCK. I don't expect to find anyone who also has never had a boyfriend either, but that would be a real plus. I also don't mind a LDR, but I don't want that forever. But it gives us time to get to know each other.
But as for attributes I'm looking for in you:
~Someone who is above all else very very Loyal and would never cheat.
~Someone who is Honest, and will tell me the truth over a little white lie.
~Someone who is Kind & Caring, who'd constantly check on me, and accept me for who I am & help me improve day to day.
~Someone who is trustworthy, and I can count on to keep my secrets safe, or even just help me remember things.., I do tend to be somewhat forgetful.
~Someone who is very Patient and wants to see me succeed and will help me do so, just like I would help you. Even if its small day to day things, I would appreciate your company ANY time.
~I want a partner who is Affectionate, can reciprocate, and loves to snuggle and talk about their day, and what their interests are, and what makes them happy.
~Someone who can admit they get clingy or overprotective is a bonus.
~A partner with good communication is key, if something wrong we have to be able to talk about it.
~A partner who likes to game with me or at least watch me play would be a plus but not a requirement.
~Someone with a good sense of humor and like to joke around, I am a big goof after all and I love to joke around. Sending memes is always appreciated and good to cheer people up too!
~I'd prefer someone with the same music taste, but not a requirement, Plus if you wouldn't mind if I send you love songs occasionally that's a bonus, or sending me some back haha.
~Being willing to voice call is a must, Texting forever is not the way to go. I have to know what your voice is like haha, later on we can video call if you are comfortable with that. I prefer chatting on Discord because Reddit messages of any kind I'm sure you know are unreliable and sucky in general. So please send me your discord if you have one :)
~I would LOVE to see picture of your pets if you have any. Bonus points if it includes your beautiful self haha.
I'm sure there is more I'm looking for but I cant think of it right now haha, I will have to edit this when I think of it.
Please tell me about you as an opener! I told you a good bit about me, now its your turn haha.
Tell me some things like -
~What's your name?
~Where are you from?
~How old are you?
~What are your hobbies / interests?
~What about my post interested you?
~Where is my TV Remote?!
~Selfie? Pet pics?
~Hit me with your best joke or meme :)
~What's your favorite candy?
I'd LOVE to get to know you, and see where things go.
But yeah, I know it was long I'm sorry haha. Send me a message and lets get to know each other! :)

Gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, Gratitude to Master Jun Hong Lu.
Respected fellow Buddhists, do you know what's worse than death? Have you ever escaped death? Today, I have a firsthand experience of escaping death to share with you.
Have you heard of a disease called myasthenia gravis (MG)? I believe many people have not. As only about 30,000 people worldwide suffer from this disease (Note: This figure may vary as there are differing estimates, with the United States alone having approximately 36,000 to 60,000 cases), where the nerves cannot control the muscles. For example, if the affected area is the hand, it can feel pain, heat, cold, and pressure. But no matter how much you command your hand to move, it won't budge. I am one of those 30,000 people. The affected areas include the cheeks, mouth, left arm, and the chest muscles responsible for breathing. In other words, during an episode of the disease, I cannot breathe. Can you now imagine how close I was to death?
Back to my story. In mid-September 2012, my lungs were infected with bacteria, and I fell seriously ill. On the night of September 29th, my breathing became increasingly difficult, and my family rushed me to the hospital for emergency treatment. The next night, my condition deteriorated to the point of MG, and my breathing became so weak that it was almost cut off. The doctors once again performed emergency procedures for me, eventually placing me on life support system (LSS) and transferring me to the intensive care unit (ICU). The so-called LSS involved many instruments strapped to my body and several tubes inserted into my body. Although the areas where the tubes were inserted were very painful, I dared not move for fear that any loosening of the instruments might endanger my life. So, at that moment, I didn't dare to move at all.
One night, a nurse attempted to draw blood for examination, but the needle just couldn't find the right artery. She would try once, then pull out the needle, try again, and repeat this process several times. I was in excruciating pain, but because my body was encased in instruments, I couldn't move. Finally, I couldn't help but ask myself in my heart, what did I do wrong? Why must I endure all this? I've never harmed anyone, never wronged anyone, so why me?
At that time, I didn't understand Buddhism, nor did I know anything about making vows. But the pain drove me, someone who barely recognized a few Chinese characters despite being educated in English, to silently call out the name of Guan Yin Bodhisattva in my heart, begging her to save me from this sea of suffering. A few days later, my condition improved. The doctors removed my LSS, and I was transferred from the ICU to a regular ward. I thought I would soon be discharged and return to my previous life, believing that everything was almost over. I felt very happy!
Looking back now, I realize how ignorant and selfish I was at that time, even as I began to recover. I was only thinking about my own survival and never cared about other people who were suffering like me. Perhaps it was because of this that I received a retribution. On the same evening that I was transferred to the regular ward, I suddenly had difficulty breathing again, couldn't make any sound, and my whole body was immobilized. I could only use my eyes and hands to draw attention, making small gestures with my hand to communicate.
A nurse noticed and called a doctor from the floor. Surprisingly, after glancing at the readings on the instruments, the doctor told the nurse that my heartbeat and breathing were normal, and then left. Once again, I tried my best to attract the attention of those around me. Thanks to the blessings of the Bodhisattva, another doctor passing by noticed me and observed that something was not right with my condition. He/She called back the previous doctor and urged him to conduct a detailed examination. While they were debating whether I was normal or not, I was almost breathless, mentally giving up on life.
The readings on the instruments once again sounded the alarm. Luckily, with both doctors nearby, they were able to save me at the fastest speed possible. The next day, I woke up in the familiar ICU, with the life support system back on me. Through this rollercoaster of emotions, I finally understood that the suffering I endured stemmed from the ignorance and folly accumulated since my birth, perhaps not just in this lifetime, but through countless past lives. Now, I must face the consequences.
I once again prayed to Guan Yin Bodhisattva and made a vow to her: "Guan Yin Bodhisattva, I believe that every soul, before they pass away, experiences a lot of suffering, and their pain is surely no less than what I am enduring now. I implore Guan Yin Bodhisattva to save me from all this suffering. I am willing to be a vegetarian for the rest of my life."
Whether you believe it or not is up to you. Two days after making this vow to Guan Yin Bodhisattva to be a lifelong vegetarian, my lung infection showed significant improvement, and I was subsequently transferred to a regular ward. Perhaps it was destined. Not only did I start to follow a vegetarian diet, but my parents also understood at the same time that my illness was beyond the control of doctors and only the Bodhisattva could save me. At that time, our entire family had just begun to explore Buddhism.
Every day, my mother devoutly chanted the name of Guan Yin Bodhisattva, while my father recited the Heart Sutra for me diligently.
However, our ordeal was not yet over. One night, I once again experienced difficulty breathing and had to be placed on the LSS for the third time.
I saw my parents kneeling down, praying to the deities and Bodhisattvas to bless me with a safe recovery. They had knelt before doctors before, but this time, seeing them kneel again went beyond what I could bear. I didn't want my parents to kneel for me. Witnessing them kneel deeply wounded me. As a 19-year-old young man, I should be taking care of my parents, yet why were my parents, who were over 50 years old, kneeling for me?
Three times being placed on LSS and admitted to the ICU, followed by three instances of improvement, resulted in my transfer to a regular ward. It was three months later, after my extended hospital stay, that I finally got discharged and returned home. I am deeply grateful for the blessings of the Bodhisattva. Instead of weakening our faith in Buddhism, this series of challenges only deepened our belief in the principles of karma and karmic obstacles as explanations for my condition. After leaving the hospital, my family and I continued to immerse ourselves in the teachings of Buddhism. Grateful for the blessings of the Bodhisattva!
One day, my family and I went to a vegetarian restaurant near our home and discovered Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door. Excitedly, I immediately went online when I returned home and downloaded several Buddhist scriptures in English phonetics from the Guan Yin Citta website to start reciting. Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door truly works wonders. That very night after reciting the Buddhist scriptures, I dreamt that while reciting the Great Compassion Mantra on the balcony at home, the image of Guan Yin Bodhisattva appeared in the clouds.
However, the next day after waking up, I felt a headache and drowsiness when reciting scriptures. My family and I took the liberty of contacting the Guan Yin Citta fellowship in Kuala Lumpur. The Buddhist practitioner who answered the call instructed us to come to the fellowship to recite scriptures. One day, while reciting scriptures at the fellowship, I experienced severe headaches. At that time, everyone was busy preparing for a Dharma conference, and the venue was crowded. I am grateful to the practitioner who cleared some space for me to lie down and gathered many fellow practitioners present to recite scriptures for me.
Later, the practitioner explained that my headaches were messages from the karmic creditors and taught me about releasing lives, making vows, and the importance of Little Houses for eliminating karmic obstacles. I immediately arranged to release thousands of fish. Today, my family still insists on releasing lives for me on the first and fifteenth day of every lunar month.
Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door is truly a miraculous practice. Ever since I began reciting Little Houses under the guidance of the fellow practitioner, I have experienced continuous dreams. On the first night, I dreamt of a seven-story-tall Buddha statue with many people practicing beneath it. Just two weeks later, after memorizing the Great Compassion Mantra, I dreamt of the Dharmakaya of Bodhisattva and two Dharma protectors driving me around in a car. Even more wonderfully, two months later, after memorizing the Eighty-Eight Buddhas Great Repentance, I dreamt of myself having tea with Master Lu.
Most importantly, after continuing to release lives, make vows, and recite Little Houses, my illness has not recurred.
Having now healed from this unusual illness, I'm here to share my story with you. These dreams signify an enhancement in the quality of life. I deeply appreciate the blessings of the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, which have reinforced my resolve to earnestly follow the path of Buddhism and instilled me with confidence. I am dedicated to diligently progressing in the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door and remain steadfast in my commitment.
Currently, I am studying in Singapore, and whenever I have the opportunity, I propagate the Dharma and benefit sentient beings. Whenever I return to Malaysia, I often volunteer at the fellowship center.
Additionally, I would like to mention two more things. Firstly, on the second night after making my vow to be a vegetarian, I saw a child's spirit clearly flying beside me in the hospital and heard it laughing. Shortly after, I dreamt of a man killing a woman and cutting open her chest. In the dream, I felt that the pain of the woman being cut open was exactly the same as the pain I felt during my surgery.
While many still question the reality of karma and karmic obstacles, doubting Master Lu's teachings, I have personally experienced their effects. Thus, I hope my story can encourage you to embark on the practice of Buddhism and the recitation of Buddhist scriptures, starting today. I wish to prevent anyone from following my path, waiting until karmic obstacles manifest and adversity strikes before beginning their spiritual journey. I am deeply thankful for all those who stood by me during that challenging time, particularly my family and friends, who supported me through my darkest moments. My heartfelt gratitude also goes to the fellow practitioners at the Guan Yin Citta fellowship in Kuala Lumpur, who patiently guided me into the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door.
Deep gratitude to our Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Master Jun Hong Lu for establishing the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door, guiding us on a path away from suffering towards happiness. Lastly, and most importantly, deep gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, who saves those in distress and hardship. With Her Buddha light blessing each one of us, She guides us back to the right path of learning Buddhism and constantly watches over us, blessing us at all times and in all places. Gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva!
Buddhist practitioner: GWT
Speech to text translator: Guan Jing
Proofreaders: Miao and Dong Ri Yang Guang
Date: 2024-05-11
Translator: Frank
Published: 2024-05-14
Statement by translator
The story was translated from video into text, and then translated from Chinese into English. If there is anything that is not rational or in line with the true meaning of the presenter, I pray for forgiveness from the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Dharma protectors and Master Jun Hong Lu.
Propagation
It would be greatly appreciated if you would forward this presentation to all sentient beings you know, sick or healthy. You will accumulate immeasurable merits and virtues. Saving a life is more meritorious than building a seven-floor pagoda!
Would you like to change your destiny?
We will show you how to do the Five Golden Buddhist Practices of Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door: (1) making vows, (2) reciting Buddhist scriptures (sutras and mantras), (3) performing life liberation, (4) reading Buddhism in Plain Terms, and (5) repenting. You will personally witness how you and your family can achieve physical and mental stability, relief from illness and grievances, wisdom growth, academic progress, career advancement, and family happiness through Dharma. It’s free of charge.
Contact
Buddhist practitioner: Lily
Email: [sunnypurplelily@gmail.com](mailto:sunnypurplelily@gmail.com)
WeChat: HanJing20210820
原文如下：
下面让我们有请来自马来西亚的郭同修与我们分享：郭同修身患绝症，重症肌无力，饱受病痛折磨几次病危。然而心灵法门使他摆脱病魔，重获新生。让我们掌声欢迎!
感恩大慈大悲观世音菩萨，感恩卢军宏师父。
尊敬的各位佛友，你是否知道什么事情比死更糟糕？你是否曾经死里逃生？今天我便有一个亲身经历死里逃生的故事要告诉你。
你是否听过一种称为重症肌无力的疾病？相信很多人都不曾听过。因为全世界只有约三万人患上这种病，患者的神经控制不到肌肉。举例说，如果患病部位是手臂，这个手就能感觉到痛热冷及压力。但无论如何你怎么叫你那个手动，它都不会动。我就是三万人之一。而受影响的部位包括脸颊，嘴巴，左手臂以及负责呼吸的胸肌。也就是说，当病程发作的时候，我是无法呼吸的。你现在估计到我多接近死亡了吧？
回到我的故事。2012年9月中旬，我肺部被细菌感染，久病不起。在9月29日当晚，我的呼吸也到了越来越困难，家人赶紧送进医院急救。第二天夜里，病情终于恶化到重症肌无力，我的呼吸微弱到快要断气了。医生再次替我急救，最后替我戴上了维生系统，并送进加护病房。所谓维生系统，就是很多仪器套在身上，很多管子插进身体里。虽然被插管子的部位很痛，但万一随便一个仪器松脱了，可能我的生命就会有危机。所以，我当时连动都不敢动。
有一夜，护士替我抽血检查，但是针管却一直插不进正确的动脉。她们这里插一下不行，拔出针管，在那里又插一下，一次又一次。我那时痛得死去活来，却因为全身套满了仪器而不能动。我终于忍不住在心里问自己，我做错了什么？为何必须承受这一切？我不曾伤害任何人，也不曾亏待任何人，为什么是我？
那时还不懂佛法，也不懂什么许愿。但痛苦使得我这个受英文教育认不到几个中文字的人也会在心里喊出观世音菩萨的佛号，祈求她救我出苦海。几天后，我的情况有好转。医生移除了我的维生系统，从加护病房推进了普通病房。我想自己很快可以出院，回到之前的生活，一切几乎结束了。我觉得很开心！
现在回想起来，我才发觉自己当时是多么的愚昧，才开始康复仍然如此的自私。只想着自己生存，不曾关心其他和我一样受苦的人。可能因为这样我受到了教训。就在我被转进普通病房的同一天晚上，我突然呼吸困难，发不出声音，全身又不能动，只能用眼神和手，以我的手用一点小动作来引起别人的注意。
一个护士发现到把楼层的医生叫来。想不到医生竟然看看仪器读数后跟护士说我的心跳和呼吸都正常，然后就离开了。我再一次用最尽力的引起身旁的人注意。感谢菩萨保佑。这时有另外一位医生经过，看到我，察觉到我的神态不正常，并把之前的医生叫回来，求他详细检查。就在他们两个还在争论我究竟是正常或不正常，一旁我已经几乎断气了，心里放弃活命了。
仪器读数也再一次变成警报状态。幸好两个医生在身旁，能以最快的速度把我救了。第二天，我在熟悉的加护病房里醒来，身上又套上了维生系统。经过这一次乐极生悲，我终于明白到我受的苦是源于我出生以来愚昧无知的罪，或许不止只有这一世，而是过去无数世累积下来的因果。如今要面对果报了。
我再次向观世音菩萨祈求，而且向她发愿说：“观世音菩萨，我相信每个灵魂，他们死之前都会受到很多苦，它们的痛苦肯定不比我现在所受的少。请求观世音菩萨救我脱离这一切痛苦。我愿意为此一生吃素。
相不相信由你。向观世音菩萨发愿终身吃素后两天我肺部感染有了明显的好转，之后被转进普通病房。或许是因缘到了。不但我自己开始吃素，我父母也同时明白到我的疾病已不在医生的控制范围，只有菩萨才能救到我。当时我们全家人才刚接触佛法。
妈妈每天勤念观音菩萨的佛号。爸爸找来一本《心经》每天为我念诵。
但是，我们的考验还没过去。某天晚上我再次感到呼吸困难，第三次戴上了维生系统。
我看到父母下跪求神佛菩萨保佑我平安度过。他们之前已经跪过医生了，这一次再下跪，已经超出我能承受的限度。我不要父母为我下跪。看到他们下跪，深深地刺伤了我。我这一个19岁的男孩应该照顾父母，反而为什么要让他们超过50岁的父母为我而下跪？
三次戴上了维生系统住进加护病房又三次的好转，被转进普通病房。我在医院里住了三个月后，才终于出院回家。感恩菩萨保佑。这三好三坏的过程，不但没有减少我和家人对佛法的信心，反而相信只有因果和业障才能解释我的状况。出院后，我和家人还继续研究什么是佛法。感恩菩萨加持！
某一天，我和家人到住家附近的一间素食馆，认识到心灵法门。于是，我回家就急不及待的上网，上心灵法门的网站下载了几篇佛经的英文拼音版开始念诵。心灵法门真的很灵验。我当夜念诵了经文后，便梦见在家中的阳台念诵《大悲咒》时，在梦里天上的云朵化出观世音菩萨的形象。
然而，第二天醒来后我念经便感到头痛及爱睡。我和家人冒昧地拨电话联络吉隆坡心灵法门共修会。接电话的师姐便叫我们到共修会里念经。一天我在共修会里念经时，头痛剧烈。当时大家正在忙着筹备法会，会所堆得很拥挤。很感恩师姐搬开东西，腾出空间让我躺下，还召集了在场的许多师兄师姐们一起为我念诵经文。
后来，师姐解释我的头痛是要经者的讯息，还教会我放生、许愿及小房子并告诉我消除业障的急迫性。我当时便即刻安排放生数千条鱼。如今家人依然坚持每逢初一十五为我放生。
心灵法门真的是很灵验的法门，自从我在师姐的教导下，开始以正确的方式念小房子之后，便不断有梦境显现。第一晚便梦见一座七层楼高的佛像，底下有很多人在共修。心灵法门真的很灵验的法门，两个星期后我背熟了《大悲咒》时，便梦到菩萨的法身，还有两护法神用车子载我兜圈。更美妙的是，两个月后，当我背起了《礼佛大忏悔文》，竟然梦见自己和师父一起喝茶。
最重要的是我继续的放生许愿及念小房子之后，我的病情不曾复发。
现在已经从这奇怪的疾病中痊愈，活下来告诉你们这一个故事。这一切的梦境显示生活素质提升。我都感恩大慈大悲的观世音菩萨的加持，坚定了我学佛精进，很有信心，并立志在心灵法门一门精进永不退转。
我如今在新加坡求学，只要有机会就弘法利生，一回到马来西亚更是经常到共修会工去做义工。
另外，我要补充两件事，第一件事在我发愿吃素后的第二晚，我便在医院看见一小孩子的灵性清楚地在我旁边飞过，还发出了笑声。不久后我又梦见了一个男人杀了一个女人，还把她的胸口割开。而我在梦里感觉，那女人的被割开胸口的痛苦竟然跟我动手术时的痛苦一模一样。很多人还在质疑因果和业障的存在，怀疑卢台长的教导，但是我亲身体验过了。因此，我希望自己的故事能启发你学佛，学习佛法，今天就开始念诵经文。因为我不希望有人跟我一样，等到业障显现坏事发生之后才开始修行。深深感恩所有在我那段时间陪伴过我的人，尤其是我家人和朋友，在我最艰难的时刻，可以为我支持的人。深深感恩吉隆坡心灵法门共修会的师兄师姐们。他们耐心引导我进入心灵法门。
深深感恩我们大慈大悲的卢军宏台长创办了心灵法门，指引我们一条离苦得乐的道路。最后也是最重要的，深深感恩南无大慈大悲救苦救难广大灵感观世音菩萨，以她的佛光加持了我们每一个人，指引我们回到正确的学佛之道，随时随地都在庇佑着我们。感恩南无大慈大悲救苦救难广大灵感观世音菩萨！
如果整理过程中有不如理不如法之处，还请观世音菩萨护法神菩萨慈悲原谅！
观净师兄语音转文字，妙师兄和东日阳光师兄校对。
2024-05-11
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The contents of the presentation and answers, including text, images, and other information obtained from Dharma practitioners, are provided strictly for reference purposes. Due to the unique nature of individual karma, results similar to those experienced by the authors may not be replicated. The experiences and advice shared should not be construed as medical advice or a diagnosis.
In the event of an emergency, it is crucial to promptly contact your doctor or emergency services by dialing 911. Relying on any information found in the answers is done solely at your own risk. The translator and answerer bear no responsibility for the consequences. By using or misusing the contents, you accept liability for any personal injury, including death. It is imperative to exercise caution and seek professional medical guidance for health-related concerns.

Hi all,
I'm 27, M
first of all, I know there may be a lot of people who would just tell me to man up, shut the hell up and keep going, not on this sub but overall. There are lot of such people in my social group, family, everywhere. It seems I don't have anyone who even remotely understands the point of my struggle.
The thing is, I don't like the idea I'm basically predestined to spend the rest of my life in some kind of work. The majority of the day, every day. Some days, recently pretty often, this feeling hits me so much that even after the work ends, I don't even enjoy things I normally like. I'm just feeling like a total lethargic crap waiting for it to start again the next day.
There's even more to it - I've got a really nice job (if you would take a look on it from an ordinary person viewpoint), I work from home, there's a rly fine group of people in my team, the manager is super cool dude, paycheck is somewhat alright, everything is really close to perfection here.
So this brings me to the topic itself. This is not about a certain type of job, this is about this life approach from top to bottom. I remember even my first day in kindergarten where only this idea to forcefully be there was presented to me was a total pain in the ass for me. It was the same on elementary school, on high school, even on Uni. I simply didn't want to be there at all, I felt forced to do something I don't like.
But there's still this problem that I just stop showing up, I'll probably die in the next month or two out of starvation. This is nuts, I cannot probably even describe all the stuff I'm thinking about right now.
What are some of the possibilities people like me have? All the articles online are only telling me to find something I'd like to do but I've already been reassured multiple times that no matter what it is, if it's forced, I won't like it. People around me are telling me 'dude, this is capitalism, just accept how it is or go to beg somewhere to Himalayas for one banana a day' or something.
I feel lost, I feel weak, stupid, unnecessary, unheard, misunderstood. It's hitting me really hard that some other redditors are often mentioning that they just daydream between winning a lottery or putting a bullet in their head.
This is just insane.
What are some steps you guys took on this path please? What helped you to find some ease in this?
Thank you for any contribution.

I think there is a general consensus that grover and ying are the strongest supports, but ill argue rei.
She puts out very good damage, can heal a lot, has a crazy strong damage reduction ability that can keep someone alive through ults like victors. She has it all in my opinion, other than 2 weaknesses? Her range on her heals arent as strong as others, and she doesnt have an instant get away like ying or grover.
Compared to grover, she can heal multiple people in a radius around, just like grover. Of course grover doesnt need to see them to heal them, but rei needs line of sight to the person she first bounces to. And rei's has an element of randomness / less control, and isnt an instant heal for everyone in range, like grovers. But, rei can spirit link a target to give them extra healing if needed, which grover cant. And rei's bounce can hit the same person twice to give them over 1k healing, pretty quickly, but grovers is one and done. Rei has a more forgiving cooldown aswell, with grovers default being 10 secs. And rei's card to reduce the cooldown after hitting an enemy with your weapon also strengthens her cooldowns.
Compared to ying, she has less range of course, and ying's life exchange shatter cooldown is rapid, but it being hitscan makes it trickier and less accessible. Ying has in my opinion the strongest ult in the game, thats fair. Ying also puts out good damage, but i think rei holds her own in a 1v1 much better than ying does.
Idk, i just feel like rei is the strongest. Her damage output as well as envelop means she can get agressive if she needs to and pull extra weight if someone on her team isnt punishing people. She seems the best equipped to carry as a support, because she can do such good damage and healing at the same time.
Of course im very open to other input, if any one has counter points or wants to add more. I dont need to die on this hill, but ill certainly defend it :)

I don’t know if this belongs here, but I desperately need some advice and neutral-party opinions. Context matters here, so please read the whole post.
“Did my friends bf k*ll my other friends cat, and the ‘replacement’ I gave her?”
My friend, we'll call her Tina, recently moved to a new house with her friend whom we'll call Amy, and Amy's boyfriend "Dylan". None of them lived here previously, it’s a new move for all 3 of them. Tina and Amy both work days, while Dylan has yet to find a job so he's home all day. Tina brought her cat to their new house, no other pets were present but they have a 3 pet limit. Amy and Dylan wanted to get a puppy, but prior to their moving, my fiancé and I had taken in a pregnant stray cat and Tina planned to take two kittens, one for her and Amy. This would have put them at the 3 per limit, leaving them unable to get a puppy.
Within the first week of the move, Tina's cat passed while she and Amy were at work. Dylan told them that Tina's old rickety box fan had fallen on her, which may have been possible, but it was NOT a heavy fan. Certainly not heavy enough to have done the damage that had happened to the cats head, but they had no proof and no reason to believe it was anything more than a freak accident. I drove to comfort her, and offered for her to take the mother cat as well as the two kittens, as the mother cat had grown to love Tina as she was often at my house. She accepted immediately, no hesitation. While I was there to console Tina, Amy returned home from work and immediately began speaking lightly of the situation, smiling and even cracking a few jokes. Imo, this was very strange to do considering her best friend had just lost a very important part of her life.
Tina's mom, grandma, my MIL, and a few other people truly believe that Dylan hurt her cat. I honestly do too, but there is no proof and Tina adamantly denies that he would do something like that. She claims that since he also cried while she was sobbing over her cats body, that he couldn’t have done it.
Fast forward to last week, about a month after the first incident. The kittens were ready to go, and having no proof and no real reason to have ever suspected anything, I sent them and mama home with Tina. I was sent photos and videos of them exploring and seemingly adjusting well. My fiancé and I visited them Sunday (3 days after they initially took them) to make sure all is well, and we noticed a scratch on mama's shoulder. When we asked, we were told she freaked out at first because she was in a new place sans some babies, and most likely hurt herself during this time. Sure, makes sense.
Well, tonight I received a text from Tina that mama had passed. When she was perfectly fine a day ago. The excuse was that they think she cut herself on the broken wood of their couch, which she could have, but if that were the case I feel like there would have been much more blood. Her back leg looked broken, but it's hard to tell in a photo. Two healthy adult cats have died each within a week of being in their home when only Dylan was there. Leaving them once again able to get a puppy since now there's only two kittens there. (Again, looking at that 3-pet limit.)
I haven't told my fiancé yet as he's asleep (I work nights) but he is going to be devastated as he loved mama cat (we couldn't keep her as we have two adult cats already and they hated each other, so this WAS a perfect solution). He is going to want to get the police or animal control involved, but again, there is absolutely no proof of foul play.
I know he’s going to want to take the kittens back, and I think that’s the wisest choice here since that house clearly isn't safe for animals, even if these instances weren't Dylan's doing. My question is, what would you all do in this situation? Are my suspicions justified? Do we have a reason to make a police report, despite absolutely no evidence?

So for me, lately, i don’t keep anything that i can eat without having to cook other than healthy stuff like rice cakes, fruit, veggies, canned sardines etc , because if i have good tasting food easily available im scared i will eat it multiple times in a day. I don’t binge (i say I do but in reality this is like a couple days in the past few months i ate at maintenance) but i am terrified of the possibility of it. I’m a good cook so i have an excuse at least, but the meals I prepare are usually very very low calorie or small anyways
anyways ive been trying to get myself to eat because my restriction is getting worse. At first it was just >! 1200-1300 calories !< and i was already feeling exhausted and sick because I’m fairly active, but this past week I’ve gone >! Sub 1000 and sometimes under 500 !< . I’m feeling worse than ever before so i was like, ok, i have to eat real food. But then shit happens. I went out to eat and i found a hair in my food so had to stop. I went to a bakery i was really excited about and what i got was dry and mediocre so I stopped eating it.
The kicker was last night i ordered Thai food. The piece de resistance. I psyched myself up a lot for it and was proud of myself. But the place is cash only. Their on site ATM was broken. I wandered around and every shop with an ATM inside was closed. I found an outdoor atm and was excited but THAT ONE WAS BROKEN TOO. I took this all as a message that i was not meant to eat. I’m so hungry lol. I broke down crying in the parking lot and then in a churchyard . Even if I’d found the cash at that point i don’t think i would’ve gone to get my food. It was settled. Some higher power wants me to starve. I’m superstitious for whatever reason and probably delusional from hunger as it is. I am not even working out because of my weakness. Just walking. Nothing tastes good enough to justify the calories. It’s all a waste. All i can think about all day is my mom’s cooking and that’s the only thing i could psyche myself up to have right now and she’s a 5 hour drive away.

Did anybody else get no sleep in the beginning of their journey?? Mossbergs mom here. He was whining so I went downstairs to see what was up, he was with me all weekend as my parents were off on a trip to the ocean. They came back today and to say the least he was VERY excited, he loves them so much. Well. It's 3 am where I am, I go down, let him out of his crate and ask what's up, he walks to the back door I need to pee stare. Okay let's go potty. Take hin out, he sniffs around, pees a little, starts checking out backyard stuff so I'm like nooo let's go inside it's creepy and dark. We go inside, I grab his kong and put steak bits in it and put him in the crate, and go upstairs. Not even 3 minutes after I get into bed I hear VIGOROUS. CRATE SHAKING NOISES. I BOLT downstairs. Hes fine. Was just itching his face, he's been itchy, fleas and allergies and what not. I go back upstairs. Before this, I heard bed scratching noises like paws hitting his bed pad. Ran downstairs Any little. Noise. Whine, creak I hear downstairs I'm down there in literally milliseconds. It's like I apparate into my living room. I get no sleep at night because of it. Especially on eventful days :( cause I know he was extra excited and or stressed. Plus it's Tuesday morning. 1 day from Wednesday. The incident day. Every time. It's just awful and it breaks my heart, I don't even know what'd I'd do if he was seizing And I don't want to wake my parents up each time i hear some crazy shit like the shaking crate from the itching cause I know they'll say it's fine, hes fine, why the hell did you wale me uplet us sleep, yadda yadda or it could go the complete opposite direction, I get ur scared, I know ur trying to help him. Etc. or something to that fact. Which, understandable they've had a very long weekend, they drove for like 6 hours, had to load a trailer etc, I get it. But I'm like man it's so heartbreaking and exhausting.. I just want to get my baby help and medication 😤🤧 I don't even know where to start. Told my dad I wanted ownership of him for my 21st, he said absolutley not. Which I don't understand why. I feel like im the only one doing research to help him. That also keeps me up, the copious amounts of research on meds, seizure types, cost, appointments, vets that are taking new patients because he doesn't have a primary. Diet changes, CBD, asking reddit over and over and over again. I feel so hopeless because he's in my dad's care, and start to doubt if I'd be any better for him cause it's so stressful. But he's my baby, and he doesn't deserve to be given up on because of his seizures. We don't even know what they're caused by, bro could be diabetic. Or hypoglycemic. (Twinsies, kind of) I'm trying to make the most out of our situation by doing fun things eith him more like hikes and walks. But past couple of days have been so hot I was scared to take him out in fear of overheating and seizing. I wouldn't be able to Cary bro back to the car, he's heavy. I'm.. well. Not in the best shape and my knees are weak. (Arms are heavy, moms spaghetti) Sorry I just needed to vent. My dad's makes jokes about limited time with him now, and how he's talking to someone who will euthanize "in home" and to say the least I'm disgusted. 🙄 I have my own opinions about how moss was raised and how I busted my ass for him, I asked my ex as well if I did more work or my dad with moss when he was a puppy and he said you for sure. Your dad's idea of doing stuff with him was telling you to do it and going in his room for hours on end. Which I'm still pissed about, and I was like sweet, nice to know I'm not crazy. And because I go across the water frequently right now, my parents have been using that as an excuse to not give me ownership as well. Where, if I had ownership, he could come with me in a pet friendly Airbnb. Or something idk, I'd actually be able to take home when I move. It's all just so frustrating. And the weirdest most fucked up situation I've been in. Sometimes I wish I had a normal family when it came to things with dogs and medical conditions, like idk a dad who cared more about the wellbeing of his animals? Who wasn't so dark and weird about shit like this? 😐 sorry for the rant but lord have mercy. 😕 I just want to get my dog help and I feel helpless until I finish orientation for this new job.

It's been 3 months ever since I had an episode of my whole body aching especially my back pain which got really worse to the point I couldnt sleep from the pain and even sweated and had a mild fever 37.4 celcius that night. The whole body/bone pain has been going on for a few days prior to developing that fever for one day but I felt like I was going down with something. My neck has been bothering me for a while I dont cough but it felt sore inside/weird. I did a cbc everything normal, crp, esr normal, ANA normal, ca-125 normal, LDH normal, igA, Igg, Igm normal, ultrasound showed reactive nodes with a more prominent one in the right side of my neck which is palplatable and measured 9.5mm and was described as a hypoechoic oval shape (lymph node?) In the report. Chest x ray clear. A hematologist felt my nodes on my neck and then my groin ones which are pea sized but dismissed them. For the past months Ive been having muscle spasms and discomfort on my legs, and hands which comes and goes like the burning feeling in the inside of my throat. I also get pressure in the sides of my head and there are swollen occipital nodes that cause me discomfort too. It feels like my muscles are really tense. Also I have really weak muscles/tendons/hip flexors? In the side of my buttocks especially the left one which becomes more intense when I open that leg or rotate it inside. I also get some burning sensations spreading from my chest to stomach and sometimes I feel cold. I also get random pain on my jaw and under cheekbones. Most discomfort was noticed during the night or laying down. I still experience back/hip pain from time to time. Also my left ear is sensitive when I hear something loud or touch it it makes something like echo ear drum? Also been seen by an ENT doctor who said I was clear. Should I look into this further or could this be due to a virus after 3 months? Possibility for Sjogrens(mildly drymouth, also vagina with frequent candida infections, dry eyes and have always had problems with cavities, dry nose) or TMJ? 6months ago I also had a neck and brain MRI which showed back left bone spurs in A4-A6 level that could be pressuring the A6 root. I've also worried about lymphoma because I got some mild night sweats that could be connected to anxiety and nightmares, were not drenching and after xanax use they havent appeared for a few weeks. What has been constantly bothering me though is the lower back pain muscle spasms and that weird stiff feeling on the sides of my hips and that tendon/nerve/muscle stretching/spasm deep inside left buttock.

So I’m sure with the movie being five years old this has been discussed to death but as I said I just saw it and after a week of heavy drinking and ruminating I want to share my thoughts.
There’s a lot of things on a technical and narrative side I took issue with, which I list below, but I want to start with the larger issue of what makes the movie such a betrayal of the show and what made it a true masterpiece.
The show was always a brutal and unflinching look at life in the waning days of the Wild West, where true justice was rare and humanity was often at its basest. But what Deadwood showed was that despite this brutal reality, some people’s compassion and innate goodness could still shine through. That might not change the larger reality, but it gave people the strength to move forward despite the struggle it took just to get up in the morning.
The movie, on the other hand, exists in some parallel dimension where happy endings exist and good triumphs over bad. Because of this, the movie feels like fan service written by someone who never had anything to do with the original show.
Even from a visual perspective the movie is all wrong. Deadwood was surrounded by beautiful nature, but the town itself was dirty and ramshackle. The Gem looked sticky. It was a place you’d walk into and instantly feel the need to watch your back. In the movie, it looks great, with sun streaming in every window and every surface looking clean and new. A nice place for a family meal.
The characters are now all seemingly happy and confident in their places in society. No one squirms away from EB or belittles Johnny. They’re all one big happy family.
The dialogue awkwardly shoehorns in big words to try to mimic the show’s legendary dialogue without any of the poetic elegance. Instead of being wowed by how beautiful a random utterance was, I just found myself cringing at how stilted and forced much of it sounded.
The movie opens with a CGI train and ends with a street fight that looks equally fake.
EB Farnum is still mayor and still operates a hotel even though he hasn’t owned it for thirteen years.
Bullock is still sheriff despite being voted out at the end of season 3.
Dan is now just some dude in a fancy outfit. Con Stapleton is a pastor?!
Hearst has no edge whatsoever. He’s just a generic rich white guy and therefore the villain. He’s now a senator but still stays at the hotel and issues hits directly to hitmen.
Bullock, despite somehow still being sheriff, does the dirty work of burning Hearst’s lumber despite this being obviously a job for Dan or Johnny.
Utter and Hearst converse as if they’d never met, despite Utter having very harsh words for Hearst in the past. When Hearst has Utter killed, everyone is shocked as if Hearst hasn’t done exactly that before and was literally publicly called out by Trixie for doing so at the beginning of the film (one of the few parts I liked).
The town is suddenly very tolerant. General N——r is now just good ol’ Sam. THEY HAD AN INTER-RELIGIOUSLY TOLERANT WEDDING IN DEADWOOD. This isn’t a small point. The racism in the show was difficult to watch at times, but it’s a part of what made it feel so authentic. When you replace that with more modern sensibility it makes the whole thing feel false.
Aunt Lou is allowed to just hang back in deadwood after Hearst leaves and starts a career as a midwife. Again, nice to think about but in reality there’s just no way she’s allowed that kind of freedom.
And lastly (though I could go on ranting like Steve), while I think having Swearengen as a weak, mostly unimpactful character in the movie makes sense, his character suffered the most in terms of being a watered down “pretty” version. Nothing intelligent to say, just “witty” rejoinders to whatever is said to him. He walks trixie down the aisle, because apparently Deadwood is just an old west version of Full House.
The movie told us something pretty, and for that I loathe it entirely.

Hi folks,
I'm a software engineering student with what I think is an RSI but have had a difficult time getting a diagnosis for. constantly I have tingling in the right fingertips, an aching sensation in the right wrist, and some pulling ache sensation in the right forearm. if I try to use a computer nearly at all I get more pain in the wrist, tingling in the fingertips, and sometimes an awful pinching sensation in the right shoulder blade. My arm is generally weak and feels hard to move. my symptoms on the left are less pronounced but similar.
it's been 4 months and I haven't seen any improvement from the various physiotherapy, anti-inflammatories, and massage therapy methods that I was prescribed. I've dramatically reduced my computer usage and have been using voice control, but it's frustrating and it's easy for me to just instinctively use my hands anyway.
i just moved for an internship and kind of had a mental breakdown over this in the first week. The subject matter is very interesting to me and it would be really good for my career, but I could probably live without it. My hands I can't live without. I need to do everything I can to make this get better. I've had a really hard time extracting advice from doctors and I don't know how important resting is versus other treatments. I don't know if going home to rest would even help. I've asked doctors and mental health professionals but I'm still stuck on whether I should just leave.
Waiting to see if it gets better or not isn't an ideal option; I've been given a week to decide. I think I'd be miserable missing out on this opportunity but at the same time whenever I think about living here for 4 months with an injury and risking making it worse I just feel dread.
I guess my questions are: is rest the main thing for treatment or is it other things that make more of a difference? if you had the choice to take 4 months to completely rest at the cost of an opportunity, would you take it?

I'm so tired. I'm 41. Chronic bladder infections as a baby, one that almost killed me. Started having lower back spasms at 11. Doctors were like, huh, that's weird, kid. Welp, enjoy your life.
Got very active and fit, that kept it mosty at bay during my teenage years. Back pain returned in young adulthood. Cried on the way to work every day on the bus, because sitting hurt. Knelt on the floor to type at work. Got a part time job so I didn't have to sit as much. Did PT, got massages.
Migraines slowly started over the years. Recurrent UTI and yeast infection. My back would go out 3 to 4 times a year, regularly, but I was very active after the 2-week recovery period. Kept asking doctors why do I get so much back pain, infections? They were like "Iunno, some people are more prone to it. Welp, enjoy your life!"

1. I don't know what the fuck happened but my neck did something bad when I was lifting a chair and it was months and months of uncontrollable spasms and complete trauma. Barely able to sleep for months. Poorly controlled pain, pain medicine-related trauma from doctors who are so afraid to give me five fucking hydrocodone at a time when I was almost at suicidal levels of pain.

Interstitial cystitis appeared a few months later just for kicks. Gastrointestinal pain started. My nervous system seemed to be jacked up after that. Super reactive to everything.
I pulled myself heroically back to some decent functionality after a few years of painful and exhausting experimentation.
Was getting back into enjoying life. Then new knee pain (chondromalacia) took away roller skating which was my favorite activity in life and probably the main thing that kept me strong and together. I've been working on my knee since 2020 and I still haven't made progress with all the PT. No one knows what to do for it. It's so incredibly frustrating and it's responsible for my slide into deep conditioning. I try to keep active with walking and PT exercises, but nothing equals skating for joy and for strengthening.
I finally piece together my own diagnosis through years of my own reading, brought it to my doctors, who confirmed. (Wish I could get paid for doing My own research). Was enjoying life as much as possible.
Then, one day, my seemingly loving husband of 12 years abandoned with no warning (He actually secretly moved out while I was gone for the weekend and let me know by email that he wanted a divorce, saying that my recent diagnosis made me a ticking time bomb waiting to ruin our lives)
The shock and pain and fear.
Fast forward 2 years through the trauma of utter blindsided betrayal by someone I thought was my best friend, and the mental trauma of being forced to do a whole divorce and fight for my future needs with someone who had suddenly, nonsensically become angry with ME, saying didn't deserve any alimony at all because I created all this chronic pain in my head to manipulate care out of him (Yes, that was his point of view. He believed that my pain was real but that it was mentally-caused. I can't explain it. It's nuts. I think it's basically his twisted rationale to make this my fault and to make abandoning a loving wife with chronic pain acceptable to assuage the guilt)
I haven't worked in years. I don't qualify for disability because I stopped working gradually, before I had a diagnosis, and I trusted my husband. So now I don't have enough recent work credits for disability.
Ironically I was doing relatively well physically when he left. I actually had some hope. Then, out of the blue a year after he left, I developed chronic tailbone pain. I haven't been able to sit down without pain for over a year. It's really a hard condition to treat, no solution in sight but strengthening, which I'm used to and I'm ready to do...
... but my hips have started possibly subluxing in the last few months? I've never had trouble there before because I've historically been very active. I don't drive. I walk everywhere, so those muscles get a lot of exercise.
But I got more deconditioned because JUST gotten over an exhausting trial of LDN which backfired on me (It caused completely new peripheral neuropathy to appear in my hands and feet and then set my migraines to become chronic, every day, for over a month)
Now it hurts to lift my leg when I lay on my side, feels like it gets stuck, like I have to rotate my leg in order to properly lift it. Sometimes I get a sharp pain in the back part where the top of the thigh bone is. Aching today. I know I have a labral tear in that leg, got to get it checked out
I'm suspecting this gradual deconditioning has finally weakened my hip/butt area, allowing my hips to sublux for the first time?
It's literally been 3 days since the amitriptyline has finally kicked in and I've gone a day or two without migraine. I just started to be able to think again.
But today's hip pain is taking me down mentally. It feels like the last straw.
How can I exercise to get better when despite my best efforts, I keep adding injury after injury? They're stacking up. They don't have solutions. I feel like I can't climb my way out.
And all the emotional trauma. I'm just tired. I've been so strong getting through the past 2 years. I don't know how much I have left.
I'm terrified because I can't sit. I can't even use a wheelchair if my hips give out. How the fuck am I supposed to live? Am I going to be bed bound? Thus far in my life it has taken me working at peak functionality to get enough exercise to keep my body together. Functionality has taken a nose dive for years now, despite my best efforts.
How much more can I fucking take?
I'm probably just having a little emotional breakdown. I hope I can improve things.
But I'm just so goddamn fucking tired.
I've tried so hard. Is this how the story ends with me? Alone, disabled, poor, and in more pain?
Thanks for listening to my novel of a rant.

So I’ve (25 F) been living in Seattle with my fiancé (26 M) we’ve been together for about 4 years now. We were talking about marriage then I fell pregnant and we decided to keep it of course although I was hesitant since I had heard horror stories about pregnancy. Most of the women in my life are single moms. My mom was a single mom of 2 but then she married and had 2 more. She worked full time through all 4 pregnancy’s, commuting an hour to work. She spent one of her pregnancies on a broken foot and going back to work 2-6 weeks after each birth. When I was younger it seems fine but now that I’m pregnant and thinking about it, I would absolutely never be able to handle that.
ANYWAYS… I’ve had a pretty complicated pregnancy, had HG until 6 months, I still throw up but now it’s just regular morning sickness. I couldn’t work during months 2-4 and my fiancé did absolutely everything for me. He even had to carry me into the shower and wash me sometimes because I was so weak. I lost so much weight and spent lots of time in the hospital. I’m not sure how I survived that but I did. Keep in mind, during this time, people kept telling me I was just being negative and all this was happening to me because I was negative and to basically meditate and take a walk.
Fast forward, I started back working month 4 when I started feeling a little better because I felt bad and unproductive. Now I’m 8months and I’m over it, I had a TIA (MINI stroke) at work and had to be rushed to the hospital (embarrassing), I have SPD and it hurts if I walk, my job doesn’t want to accommodate a WFH structure (which is another story), and my Fiancé just wants me to quit as he doesn’t like to see me in pain.
I am super close to my mom and she has been begging me to come stay with her and she really wants me to give birth in NY. I convinced my Fiancé to let me come here and explained that my mom really wants to take care of me in this last stretch and he could have some time to breathe since I’ve been relying on him this whole time. He was not happy about it but let me go.
I get to JFK, everyone is being rude to me, I asked the man who drives the golf cart looking thing if I can hitch a ride because I’m pregnant and in some pain, he got so mad at me and told me pregnancy is not a sickness, but still let me on.
I get to my mom’s house, she put me downstairs in the basement instead of a room upstairs and will not let me sleep up there. Which is pissing me off, I have to climb 2 flights of stairs to get to the bathroom and the basement is dusty and dark with no ventilation. I told my mom when I got here that I did not want to sleep in the basement, she told me it was fine and that there was more room down there. I didn’t want to argue with her so I just let it be.
My mom’s office is also downstairs in the basement so everyday she wakes me up by coming down the stairs and crossing through the first room that I’m in to get to her office. She then proceeds to be on meetings all day. I also have no privacy and no door.
My SPD is getting really bad and everyone keeps telling me how dramatic I am and how they had to endure horrible conditions while they were pregnant and worked up until they gave birth.
Am I a bitch and being ungrateful or are people fucking with me right now? I feel like the women in my life are trying to make things harder rather than help me relax and get ready for birth. It’s almost like people are laughing at me for being pregnant and suffering.

a list of things my mother has done. mostly a vent and tramadump

• thought i was faking being sick (tested positive for the flu that week)
• thought i was faking being transgender (have been on testosterone for five years with zero thoughts of detransing)
• told me my suicide attempt was "for attention" (my father died that year and i was being assaulted at school)
• told my boyfriend that i faked migraines (i never said they were migraines at all...)
• says her children are "too perfect" to have mental illnesses (see suicide attempt above, her first child is a heroin addict with PTSD and her other two children have extreme anxiety disorders)
• tells me i'm "too smart" to have autism (when the traits are easily identifiable and present. not to mention that plenty of autistic men and women are intelligent and having autism ≠ not smart)

whenever i began to cry as a child, she screamed. when i tried to argue in defense of myself, she put her hands on me. if i ever felt sick, tired, or upset, she would roll her eyes and "oh, whatever" me. i don't have meth to keep me working like a steamroller all day! i'm just a teenager.
all of her children have been beaten or sexually assaulted by men that she chose to date. she is a raging meth user and a POS, so i know i shouldn't take her insults to heart, but i feel so fucked up from the things my parents have done to me that i don't believe i will ever recover.
no relationship i have in my lifetime will ever feel whole or stable because of her. i'll never be able to hold down a job. i have no one to teach me to drive, or any other adult things. in fact, SHE made me do her taxes FOR her, then screamed and cried about the possibility of owing the government. my trauma response has been "fight" for so long, and when it stopped working, it became freeze.
i am always walking on eggshells. without a steady job or license, it feels like i will never move out, never escape her. i think sometimes that i should have died in 2018 when i attempted.
if i do dishes nine times a week, but the sink is full for two minutes, i'm lazy. if i sleep in an extra three hours, i'm basically worthless. if i haven't taken out the trash, the world is crashing and burning and she is on the verge of death and crying. if something goes wrong with the self-checkout at walmart, she is throwing groceries and jerking her head around like a fucking lunatic while screaming about every little thing that bothers her. it really makes me want to rip my nails off. she likely acts this way from the meth abuse, but my sisters recall her being overdramatic as early as the 1990s.
illness or weakness of ANY kind disgusts her. it's like she's projecting her hatred of herself onto me. when i was skinny and she was overweight, she rarely spoke about it. i suspect she was envious. now that she never eats and can fit into child's size clothing, my weight has ballooned from anti-anxiety medicines and repeated work injuries. she loves to point out that my clothes no longer fit, or that my face is getting puffier. it upset me-- i tried to brush it off as her being old-- but then i imagined a friend saying it to me, and it put everything into perspective.
i do feel like an idiot for ever expressing myself towards her, for crying on her bed and begging for comfort when i was truly anxious and devastated, or for asking her opinion on literally anything. comfort is never given, and her opinions waver on what will most benefit her in the moment, not what will help ME.
one last thing; she was nearly kicked out of the behavioral center i was admitted to for screaming in my face during visitation. feels like a little cherry on top.
i'm not sure what type of narcissism this is, if any. drop your thoughts below if you want, and times your parents have been in denial of things that happen to you.

Here. And I’d like to start by noticing that Steve Sailer is obviously Delicious Taco’s dad. Having said this.
Good episode. Lots of engagement which I suppose is a net positive for all involved. Obviously a lot of the injury stems from a distortion. The episode’s content fantasized and in fantasy warped into something constituting a threat (no, an outright assault) to the listener’s person. One can simply listen to the episode and see that some (in fact the bulk) of the negative responses are from people reacting to some spectral absent-presence rather than to what is actually being said over the course of the 2 hour long episode. The voices and the discourse have instead been shaped into sonic receptacle containing the reflection of something wildly ugly. Injuriously ugly.
Past few days have been brutal. Found myself doom-viewing the main sub, should know better at this age. Feels like I’ve been transmogrified into an absurd and wretched thing. Must've transgressed against a gnome or something. Fascinating to think about.
I would like nothing more than to shame you.
Miami Summer is a killer. Urine is blood-orange. And my mother deserves better sons.
Why would A&D do this?
Witnessing the rankest comments. In bygone age I’d found them tolerable. Having imagined them delivered by high society homosexual. A damned dandy; chubby, sinister, and flamboyant. Capri on a stick limply held between index and middle fingers, twirling wrist ash’ing on expensive Persian rug. The blurry ghosts of his mother and the kid brother who drowned in the pond all those years ago glaring at him from far-off corner. Clearing throat he launches into sing-song slander head peeling back cackling at his own wickedness. Vile and venomous but charming. Instead what we get is 30+ year old mentally-ill men. Men whose Twitter activity has atrophied their cock and balls. Genitals withering away like the Worker's State, in its place a gasping cloaca, worry not I can clock em from miles away. The odious cloaca-havers are soon joined by ruined drug-addled children and the other women. They talk about A&D in disgusting ways. This is unfair and nasty. I confess to being angry. Sweating blood-specked kerosene. Let the scent fill up the empty air between us. My wrath singeing those overgrown nose hairs.
Of the two I think Anna is the one that inspires the harshest parasocial spite. So much so that I’d recommend she take some protective measures against evil eye and tongue. Maybe take baths with hyssop herb, rose water perfume, and holy water.
It’s as if Anna Khachiyan is a Giant Floating Vagina with teeth and a noticeable overbite. Viewed from another angle it transforms into a Madonna encircled by cherubim. Perhaps we are cruel to Anna in order to be kind to our mothers.
All very pre-Oedipal.
Had to step back and parse it out. Anna draws a comparison between herself and Sailer while also asking him a great question,
07:12-07:49
Anna: “I started reading it during the pandemic because it was the pandemic. I was pregnant and bored and I really relate to you as a person who everyone thinks is like evil and monstrous on the internet, but is actually like quite agreeable and mild mannered in real life. And I was going to ask you this question last, but I may as well just ask it now. How do you feel about your new found popularity? And especially, how do you feel about the fact that you have been effectively adopted by or identified with the hard right?”
The first part of the above extract, the sympathetic recognition, brings to mind a bit of 20th century Hermetic theory concerning harmful thought-forms. Our unconscious self-destructive impulses animating the fantasy-phantasm of the other. Inhabiting their shape. Gaining a degree of autonomy. This artificial entity is vampiric by default, provoking what the Czech magician Franz Bardon calls a "magical persecutory complex"... He goes into detail about such entities in Step VI of his seminal work, Initiation into Hermetics. Describing different types of artificial elementals and phantasms along with details on how to consciously go about creating and dissipating them. One of those artificial psychic entities, the one that concerns us, he calls the schemata. Bardon details two variants, one connected with paranoid persecutory fantasies and the other with erotic obsession. The first type comes about when someone who is “easily excitable, easily influenced or self-important” (Narcissist?) has a run in with another person who has, to put it mildly, a memorable visage and dark personality. The schemata is born from the phantasm modeled after this demonic-looking disagreeable person. The victim begins to attribute all kinds of minor inconveniences to the influence of the ugly person. Deludes themselves into thinking that the ugly/disagreeable person is a powerful black magician. Everything appears to reinforce their paranoid delusions. The schema grows in power feeding off the anxieties of their creatohost. The person might end up committing suicide. This was the persecutory schemas desire, having achieved its goal Bardon notes, “how great is the shock when such a spirit realizes on the mental plane that he has committed a very successful magical suicide. What a bitter disappointment! The demonic looking person, however, has no idea what happened; he was actually only the means to an end.”
God gave us eyes so that we might notice things.
The way I see it:
Being social animals the subject of our fantasy, of our fixations, is the fantasy of the other. What makes the human Human is not that we desire but rather that we desire the desire of the other. An excess desire. We fantasize about what the other is fantasizing and enjoying. Our fantasy of the fantasy of the other is the outlines a fundamental lack within our person, a negativity. Experienced as a splitting of consciousness. Intuiting this lack, becoming aware of it, and attempting to articulate it, we are self-consciousness. This negativity or void is in psychoanalytic terms, the unconscious. We likewise intuit that there had once been some original state. One without lack and contradiction. A state of fullness, without the division between self and object. A harmonious whole. A pure consciousness or as Freud refers to it in Civilization and its Discontents an oceanic feeling. The Original Desire, one that is authentically my own, which was not the desire of the other but which unites our desires in itself. This desire is the extinction of all desires.
The eye that perceives the lovely is at once the eye that perceives what I lack. Perceiving this lack, which explains my present condition, I covet. This is an evil eye. The lover’s gaze is of the same type as the infirm or pathic gaze. Reminded of Zizek’s formulation of one of Hegel’s insights, “Evil resides in the very gaze which perceives Evil all around itself" itself a variation of Meister Eckhart’s “the eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me.” The recognition of evil, the ability to see and judge evil, stems from our ability to recognize disparity. This disparity is already present within our own person, the split-consciousness. The feeling cognized, the awareness of our condition as beings separated from the whole. The clairvoyance of the tyrant and the philosopher.
Suppose that psychopathology is born from our inability to recognize an image as an image.
I intuit something more in this person, something they’re hiding. It can’t just be envy, no. It has to be because I can feel that this thing they’re hiding is sinister. It can’t just be that I feel animosity towards this person, no. It has to be because this person is evil and not just an isolated evil but rather a symptom of a much larger evil. An evil that is responsible for all the suffering in the World, for why my World isn’t the way it should be. It can’t just be attraction, no. It has to be that I intuit something more in this person, something hidden, that I must destroy in order to go on living.
If vile shit comes to mind (as vile things often do, especially when one is immersed in ambient algorithmically-summoned vileness, namely outrage and atrocity porn) they won't affirm it to themselves or try to justify or rationalize it or present it as a rational political stance. And they don’t abstract this particular form of vileness into the primary lens through which they view and interpret cultural phenomena. Unreflexive racial animosity is ugly and fetid. We’re capable of recognizing it, feeling it, as something pathological. We’re also capable of laughing at it. Laughing at ourselves. Look at what our ladies have to say about Stuart Seldowitz (the dude who went viral harassing a halal street vendor) in I’ll Be Missinger. “He sucks,” “he’s a loser,” “he’s obviously sick,” and that he gives the impression of someone who lives alone, will die alone, and will be found weeks or even months after the fact.
Perhaps Red Scare is special in how it manages to elicit absurd, wildly inappropriate responses from listeners. Vulgar and revelatory was it? Steve Sailer elicits a similar response and has become an expert in turning said absurd reactions to his advantage. Generally the cooler-head in any given exchange. While the other person shouts obscenities at a ghost, smashing fists against the post, looking crazy, like a proper hysteric. Sailer breaks the fourth-wall, making eye-contact with the would-be noticer, with a little shake of the head, a little chuckle, a little shrug… “you’re noticing right? See what I have to put up with? Imagine these people defining my legacy.” Still he seems to take it with the good humor of an uncle who will still call you on your birthday, despite your drunken outburst during holiday get-together he will admit to not having resisted the temptation to provoke you, it use to be fun, recall all the cool bands I introduced you too? We use to be best buds, “do you really think anything I’ve said merits this sort of response? Honestly?”
Has to be a cheap trick. A technique employed by an old trickster in decades long honing of craft. Maybe not. Maybe what we see is precisely what we get. Most of the very upsetting things being jokes sincerely intended to lighten the mood. Steve Sailer doesn’t care about the particular political orientation of his audience. He just cares that he has an audience. Grateful for the fans he has. Nonetheless happy that they’re not seething malcontent racists. Even if one disagrees with the methodology, the heuristic, the conclusions. That’s secondary, perhaps even tertiary to the recognition sought. His craftsmanship as a writer.
Why I loved his conflict with Will Stancil. Stancil inspired a lot of pondering for me. Putting things in place…
01:29:22-01:29:28
Anna: “You come for the race science and stay for the prose-styling and vivid story-telling.”
In trying to survive as a writer exiled from Mainstream Conservative media (ConInc) during the Bush Jr years. In fact, correct me if I’m wrong but the cancelation that actually impacted Steve Sailer, setting him down the path we find him in, was brought about not by blue-haired hall monitor millennial leftists but by his “fellow” Conservatives. I imagine that he just went with whoever was willing to take him adapting to the editorial standards and audience sensibilities of the publications willing to provide him succor. Not charity mind you but an ability to engage in his own little labor of love.
Read some Sailer. Might get into that later. But that’s the initial impression I got from Steve. Would be utterly mortified if memorialized as a Racialist Ideologue rather than as an entertaining and thought-provoking journalist. Think I also benefited from seeing how he’s actually received by people who are navigating through (or in certain cases, are mired in) the marginal “Hard Right”-spaces or the Rightwing Digital Ghetto. End up realizing that he isn’t hateful, that what you see is precisely what you get, that he privileges craft over ideology, that his reception and exile from Neocon dominated media outlets (remember these are the people gushing ecstatic over the US invasion of Iraq, manufacturing consent for our adventures in the Middle East) was exceedingly unfair but that he nonetheless managed to persevere. And that he really never goes beyond Norm McDonald in terms of his sardonic wit or The Boondocks animated series in terms of his criticisms. His normality is a great source of stability and comfort for his readers; “noticing” and speculating about these topics doesn’t necessarily lead to one becoming a seething racist.
Returning for a moment to Will Stancil, this was what he inspired:
As the last man standing I spend countless hours immersed in detailed fantasies about the coming apocalypse and my enemy's bliss. A dumb and wicked happiness proportional to my suffering. Easy to imagine other people happy. Hearts unbroken. Unburdened, hydrated, sexually satisfied, debt-free, lucky, successful in all business endeavors. Brute, jezebel, schemer, parasite, rival, betrayer... the whole lot of them thriving. Frolicking in my mind's eye. When the time comes I won't forget that they were happy while...others...suffered.
Find that trying to void your mind of all thought or sit perfectly still for 10 minutes. End up feeling like something requires much less energy from us than nothing. Causes coalescing. Conspiring, to what ends?
You see. The very same principle appears to be at work here. Same pathological base that undergirds genuine racial or ethnic animosity. Fantasizing about the other’s enjoyment and being unable to distinguish between the persecutory Phantasm and the actual human being whose shape it appropriates.
Had a friend recommend forgetting. Forgetting is a dialectical exercise, first you have to acknowledge the thing living rent free in your head and acknowledge its origins... then you have to take the steps to stop feeding it. Letting the thought-form dissolve. Let it be put to rest. Reminded of the practice Orthodox Christian contemplatives call Nepsis.
Other approaches as well, acknowledging the presence of anima veiled in shadow.
But listen…
The podcasts I consume, are a reflection of me as a person. Being what I associate and consume. What does it say about me in particular? Reveal about me? That they should have Steve Sailer on the pod. Settling down. Perhaps some responses could be understood in this light. That a Sailer episode reflects poorly on the listener. Constituting a great betrayal of the love and energy and time I have dedicated over the years to you.
I’m not a racist.
Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are. The most punitive and brutal god. The idea of the AI nu-god being this, utilizing that standard, is horrifying. Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are, everything you are, and whether or not you qualify to live.
Shamed, I quietly remove the upvote I gave to the hysterical person and the downvote I gave to him.
Hysteria like a yawn is an empathic contagion.
Back to Anna it’s not because she’s ugly and it sucks that she might nurse this delusion. I actually think Anna is really pretty. Rather I think it’s because she’s a mom. She registers as a maternal figure. That’s one of the reasons I think people respond to her the way they do. As stated earlier. We are cruel to Anna in order to forgive our moms.
[To be continued: Wherein I say horrible things that should never be said to the people I claim to love. Will also interrogate Sailor Socialism]

A Delicate Craft by D. P. Watt
Published in and exercpeted from Aickman's Heirs (2015) edited by Simon Strantzas

The special day came and she pricked out the pattern on his pillow and guided him through the first turns of the work. Tea flowed but Bogdan's progress was frustratingly slow.
"I would give anything to have the skills you have," he said, draining a cup, and resuming his slow progress on the pattern.
"Really?" Agnes said. "Would you give anything?"
"Oh, yes," he replied, concentrating on selecting the right bobbin to thread over the one in his left hand. "To know something—to truly master it—that is what life is all about isn't it. I want to be well trained at what I do, and you have been a wonderful teacher, but then it will take me many years of practice and hard work to be as accomplished as you are at it."
"Anything at all?" Agnes said, distantly, as though she had not been listening.
"Yes," he said again, firmly.
"Then look at me," Agnes said, taking his hands from their work and holding them in her tiny, deformed fingers.
He did not really understand, but turned to her and looked into her eyes, the colour of which was difficult to discern in the half-light of her front room, and beneath the folds of the wrinkles that gathered around her eyes, threatening to enfold them in darkness.
"May we find this wish heard higher. These hands are for doing, for marking and learning," she began, as though reciting an old childhood nursery rhyme. She had turned his palms upright and traced a line down each with her thumbs.
"These hands are for nursing, for nurturing and yearning," she sang, tracing his forefingers down each of her palms.
"And between them they cradle a world full of knowing," she gripped his fingers tightly. He could feel every line worn into them, every blemish and callus—pressing harder and harder on his own fingers and then palms. "And none has yet turned the side of that flowing, for age is a rift and youth such a gift. But the bridge o'er the chasm is built with desire."
The room had become hot and airless, and a dull yellow light seemed to have brightened the place, although its source was unclear.
Agnes sank back into her chair, her eyes flaring and her arms shaking. Bodgan made to get up and help her but his legs felt weak, his eyes heavy with sleep and his vision blurred. His hands felt hot and painful. The tiredness was overwhelming and he too fell back into his chair and sank into sleep. The last thing he saw was Agnes rise up, suddenly and swiftly, with a strength he had not seen in her before. She stretched her arms high above her head, a body in the throes of being born again.
* * *
Rising from his slumber Bodgan felt his limbs creak slowly into usefulness. His hip arched and his feet wore sore and numb. He looked down at his fingers; gnarled and crooked, the nails cracked and dirty. Between a swollen thumb and bent forefinger he held a thin white thread. He traced it back—its fibres further twining together as it trailed through his fingertips—to a delicate bone bobbin that he deftly tucked beneath its partner on a faded blue mat edged in frayed gold braiding that was propped on his lap. His hazy vision could see well enough this close at hand but as he peered around the room he could just make out the forms of ornaments and pictures, each of which sparkled half memories of a long life, filled with loves and losses. "Nadszedł czas na herbatę," he thought.
In the narrow street outisde a young girl played hopscotch on a hastily chalked grid—as though the late Twentieth century had never happened; her stiff ivory dress was dated; her hair plaited and unfashionably long; her delicate laughter, eternal.

Translated from Polish "Nadszedł czas na herbatę" — "It's time for tea."

The EXTREMELY detailed, mega-anxiety edition!!! Major events like consult and surgery day are labeled like this:
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳

So I'm taking a high school math class since it was a prerequisite for this other program at a college.
I'm on the last month of the class, but I've barely scraped by. I create a giant workload for myself by procrastinating, then once I can't handle the stress anymore it's less stressful to study than it is to do other things. I've known since the start that I shouldn't procrastinate, I know that it's easier to just study for 2 hours every day rather than to cram 10 hours for a week straight to catch up for my exam. I see my workload is growing and I've been trying to force myself to do it for a while. I have 8 lessons to do, all of which take me a day to do (if I can miraculously bring myself to do it) and I have 7 days to do those lessons. I've had 3 weeks to do this, and every day of those weeks I've tried something to force myself to study. I've tried:

• Going outside and studying at a coffee shop
• Pomodoro technique
• Killed anything I could use to procrastinate. No discord, no gaming, no youtube, etc.

It's extra frustrating because I've already repeated this cycle four times this course, and each time I knew when I somehow caught up, "now if I just stay consistent and study for 2 hours every day, I won't have to suffer." But I can't bring myself to study, those 2 hours are spent doing jackshit. I think subconsciously my mind knows I won't do anything and won't cooperate even if it did have the capability to study those 2 hours.
No matter what I do now, I sit here and I just feel this barrier rises in my head and it stops all functionality in my head. I use to be able to climb the barrier given extreme stress, but it got harder each time I did it and now I just can't climb it anymore and I'm lost.
So now I'm sitting here feeling helpless, any advice?
Side note : I'm taking concerta for the ADHD, it felt like I was always running a marathon without legs before that but now it feels like I can actually participate in the marathon with stick legs, which is better than no legs

Hello
25F, 130lbs, 5’10”, no tobacco, MMJ user, hydrocodone and oxyxodone as needed, cyclobenzaprine, protonix
If you read this thank you so much because I’m absolutely desperate and my doctors are tired of me and I think they think I only want pain meds. I don’t, I just want to feel better. I have a huge stash of emergency oxycodone anyway so I barely even need them for that.
On 12/15 I fell down the stairs and hit the lower of my middle back quite hard. 12/19 I had a LEEP done, 01/06 I came down with extreme urinary issues and between then and now have been back 6 times, seen 4 specialists and have seen my PCP at least ten times for urine samples. I’ve also only been able to attend my full time job for 43 days so far this year and have no more money for copays and if it weren’t for my ADA paperwork, I’d have been fired a long time ago
Over the last two weeks, it’s been taking me up to two hours to produce urine while having a full (and very sore - mostly left side) bladder. This is infuriating. When I do end up finally feeling the need to release, I have less than 3 minutes to get to a restroom before my vision starts going spotty from the bladder pressure pain.
My urologist ordered a cystoscopy, but has been blaming my 3mm kidney stone until I begged for an ultrasound last month of my bladder. Found bladder wall thickening and bladder cyst / possible urachal remnant.
I found out what Cuada equina is today. I learned that it is very very commonly missed. I can barely walk, and at the music festival I went to over the weekend I had to use ADA for just about everything. I look completely normal so I got judged pretty hard, but I do have paperwork. I have been losing weight without much diet change and my back has been killing me as well. I feel so weak. My urine flow is so small compared to what it used to be. I had a period of time where the pain was so bad, I couldn’t feel my clitoris or labia at all so sex was pointless as well, and I thought I’d lose my relationship and be alone forever. They send me to an OB-Oncologist who said not to come back, which is why my urologist finally agreed to check my bladder.
Is it possible that all my issues are related to the cyst and thickening, or could this be cuada equina that was missed on multiple CT’s? I can’t find info on bladder cysts. using retention. When is the appropriate time to go to the hospital? I can barely walk without pain meds. I urinated about 40 times on Saturday, with my usual being 10-20 times, and some days there’s very little pain or urgency at all, but the retention is almost always there to some extent.
It almost feels like the part of my brain that controls my bladder doesn’t work anymore because no matter how hard I tell my bladder to release, it just doesn’t happen sometimes and I can’t get comfortable after that. I’ve slept a total of 4 hours since Saturday morning and I only have one hydrocodone left. Pyridium does NOTHING except for when burning pain presents, and I can’t take NSAIDS until my GI clears me due to extreme gas, constipation and bloating / belching thought to be caused by peptic ulcers. I can’t walk at this point without pain meds, but the ER always releases me with the same DX of cyst and bladder wall thickening and tells me they have no clue what that means. But I’m in so much pain I feel like there has to be something they can do other than give me fluids and monitor me for an hour or two until I can get to my cystoscopy next week.
If you have any advice for me I really appreciate it. I don’t want to die but I feel the only way out of lifelong urinary pain after 6 months now is suicide. The only time suicide doesn’t cross my mind a couple times is when I do end up having to take a pain pill. In March, I had to take oxy every day. I only take them now when I can’t walk because the effects are too strong for me to keep my life in order while taking them every day. But this weekend I have had the most trouble walking, and using the restroom, since all of these issues began.
I can’t afford any more specialists visits after my procedure, so I really wish the ER could do something for me as they’re the only ones who won’t turn me away for not having money at this point. My GI doc actually canceled my appointment because I don’t have $20 and I’ve been putting off another ultrasound because it’s $200 up front. IDK what to do but I’m pretty sure this is how a lot of people end up on fent and heroin - if I had been denied pain meds this far I would have turned to the streets, and that’s coming from someone who has chosen - on their own - to quit most drug related and extracurricular activities to better their life at a young age and is much happier for it.
I can’t even get the ER to catheterize me when I can’t urinate for 6+ hours at a time. What gives? Why won’t they run a different imaging test? They wouldn’t even give me a breath test for h pylori recently and now I’m waiting a month for an appointment I can’t even afford.
TL;DR extreme bladder pain, nobody understands why, extreme difficulty urinating, ER can’t do anything for me and awaiting surgery. Is there anything I can say or do to get proper medical attention or can the ER really not touch your bladder like they say? Is there a way I can convince them to admit me so I could see a urologist before my procedure? My urologist is unavailable until my follow-up and I don’t think the company they work for allows them to Rx narcotics and I’m against taking more than 1 oxycodone a week at this point but so far have been unsuccessful in getting something weaker like hydro or tramadol.