I don't really know why I'm writing this ... I think it's because I've tried to explain it to my uncle but all he said is that I should get my addiction under control and stop forgetting to take my meds.
I can't blame him. You see... I have a history. I've lost it in the past , twice actually. I'm not here to talk about it , but I think it's important to lay this down first. So you can understand.

I've been told something's wrong with my brain, maybe I was born this way, maybe I've been through too much. That my mother was an addict, she'd cut ties with her family for 10 years when she had me. That where she had been and who my father was, is was very unclear. She was part of a community in the forgotten part of the nearest big city when she died. I was there when it happened.
My uncle Sean and Aunt Maggie became my guardians just before my 5th birthday and I'm still with him 20 years later. Maggie left the ranch a few weeks ago after an amicable divorce, I never understood why they were together anyway she was always working somewhere, traveling a lot. I was closer to him and his sturdy way of life.

When I first arrived at the ranch, I was in a bad shape. I got better thanks to him but when I reached thirteen, all the memories from my early childhood suddenly came back. I started having flashbacks. My memories came back, but they came back wrong.

I had been told that my mother had died of an untreated infection. Yet in my dreams, I saw her , again and again , in a pool of blood. An then... Then it came. The... Thing. I won't describe it. It kind of triggers something in me that I really don't need right now.

I've been told that what happened next was so traumatic that my brain made up a monster, a fiction , to make sense of what I was seeing and not processing.
This ... Thing started obsessing me and during my early teenage years I focused all my energy on finding what it was and proving it happened. That a monster did kill and mutilated my mother. My nightmares were so bad that I stopped sleeping. I drank so much energy drinks that I ended up in the hospital twice with severe dehydration.

Thankfully, I got better. I started working more and more with my uncle's horses. I think it's why he employed me, he saw how manual work and caring for the animals helped. I even got my first girlfriend around my 17th year. I was prom king. Who would have thought?
But then... She had a cheerleading accident. In front of me. And I lost it again. I won't go into details but she broke her neck during half-time and once again... The way she fell, folded and screamed. I couldn't process. It was IT. It'd shapeshifted to get to her. I'm ashamed of it but I became violent. Looking for it franticly. Screaming non sense and talking made up words. I had to be sedated. She made it alive, but she never wanted to see me again. I was accused by pretty much everyone to make the accident all about myself. And they were kind of right....

Now you know how I came to be the " crazy" guy. I have a bit of a drinking problem too to be honest... You see I never went back to high school. I started working full time at the ranch when I came by, and sometimes, it gets lonely. It's not rare to find me passed out in the hay in the early morning in the summer. And what can I tell you... I know I shouldn't. I know it's "bad" . But I love those nights. I put music , cuddle with my dog and just look at the cold bright stars, drinking beer until they start spinning.

It's because of this bad habit that I realized something was wrong with the horses. You see, contrary to the movies, horses are pretty silent. They don't neigh unless you separate them from their best mate or bring food. And that night... The night it all started. They wouldn't stop. I could hear them galloping and snorting. I wondered if there was a stray dog but they were used to dogs. I was a bit worried. Horses get stupid when they are afraid and we had a big show coming, it wasn't the time so sprain a leg. What really troubled me was my dog. He seemed ... Weird.
Max was a pit mix my uncle had rescued when I was 15. He only woke when I got up and walked a bit to look at the paddocks. That's when I realised the moon behind me. It was huge, and red. I wondered if I had ever seen it so close and so red before. I looked at Max The white of his eyes showed and he started whining. I had never heard him make this noise. Ever.

I looked at my phone. It was quarter to three. I took a pitchfork to be safe and walked toward the clubhouse. We kept a shotgun there in a locker. The horses kept going crazy and max's tail was stiff. I was walking fast but carefully in the darkness when the music reached me. A chant. A low chant. I kind of felt it too... Like a ... vibration.
It was coming from the yearlings field near the forest patch, on the opposite direction of the clubhouse. My horse was in this field. I backtracked immediately and rushed toward the sound as I dialled my uncle. Off course he didn't answer. He didn't live on the property anymore but a few miles away. I left a message, whispering. " I'm at the stable, something weird ‘s happening. I think they're people messing with horses I'm going to see. I think you should come , I don't know...Call me back.". The weird chant buzzed in the background, louder, as if more people had joined. I saw the glow of the fire before I passed the last building. It rose , under the bloody moonlight. Dark figures circled around it. Slowly. The horses seemed to have retreated at the other end of the pasture and I was relieved. Until I saw it. The figure at the centre of this dark carousel. " What the f are those creeps doing" escaped my lips.
blazing fury filled me , like a white iron like a white hot blade blinding me . "HEYYYY" I screamed at the top of lungs. " WHAT ARE YOU DOING !? ". The figures stopped and turn toward me. I was running now , my knuckles going white around the pitchfork's stick. Max was growling. A deep growl. His hair high upon his backbone. The figure, still pretty far did not move. I could see their heavy hooded cloaks. " what kind of sick pricks are those " I muttered. " HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" I screamed again, louder than I ever thought I could scream. And then I saw him. Gun.
Gun was my uncle's favourite horse. His old stallion's spitting image. The young horse was lying in front of the fire behind the intruders.
"WHAT DID YOU DO! I'M CALLING THE COPS!!!!". I stopped and was dialling when a figure detached itself from the group and advanced. It seemed to ... float? It moved toward Max and I... so silently.
The burning rage in veins turned cold , and heavy. I opened my mouth but nothing crossed my lips. Suddenly, Max jumped. He growled in a way I hope to never hear any dog do again. A desperate, furious growl. A life or death sound. A war cry... His warm blood spattered on my face. He... Honestly I don't know what happened at that moment. Something lied bloody on the ground but I couldn't even have told that it used to be a dog, even less Max. Acid tears filled my eyes as I realized my mouth was still open. I was tasting him.
I wanted to scream, to run, to just get swallowed by the earth and yet I did nothing at all but stare at the floating silhouette. It was so tall. " Come, my child". " We were waiting for you, we knew you'd come, Your father told us you'd be here when we'd call".
I heard those words, but I wouldn't be able to tell you anything about the thing who spoke them. I say thing because it didn't have a voice. It... Buzzed. Like... a cello.
Suddenly... I floated too. Panick seized me. Like a trapped raccoon in my
chest it dug its claws, scratching furiously my closed throat.
" Your father said you were ready. We will prepare you." I was now in front of the crackling blaze. the other figures circling me. Smiling Men and woman welcomed me. On their faces they all wore a similar mark. a cross covering their eyes horizontally, and their nose and mouth vertically. Their hands... Their hands were still dripping with gun's inside. Gun... Was ... opened.
" A necessary sacrificed" whispered a woman, still smiling. " I know you liked him very much... I'm sorry..." " I could have taken yours, but I knew you wouldn't have forgiven me'. Her voice. .." Aunt Maggie?' I croaked. Her eyes shone with a mad light. " Gosh do you look like your mother tonight... She'd be so proud. Her baby boy..." .
The tall figure made a gesture and I spined and found myself looking at the sky. I thought I'd fallen but... I wasn't touching the ground...
My aunt continued speaking." She was just like you the first time ... So... naive, so afraid.. She was only 16! That was our mistake you see, she wasn't ready for her destiny yet when she joined us... That's why we waited for you."
The chant , the low buzzing chant rose once again. The people around me started walking in a circle around me. I was just above Gun's body.
One, by one, they buried they hands in the belly of the horse and traced the cross on my face. I sealed my lips as tight as I could as the warm blood covered my face. Through the blood and tears I recognize faces. A nurse from the hospital. A teacher. The coffeeshop barista. My psychiatrist... I closed my eyes.
It was a nightmare. It couldn't be anything but a nightmare.
Yet the smell of the horse's inside and the crackling fire still reached me as they started ripping my clothes off.
" This is not real" I whispered. " This is not real, this is not real THIS IS NOT real" I screamed weakly.
'Oh , My dear I'm so sorry ' whispered my aunt. I should have told you earlier... But Dr Carter said it was better to let you grow up a bit first. He said it help you keep the secrets if you were afraid of them. I'm sure you don't feel this way, but it was an honour to watch your mother ascend the way she did. Her agony was the most beautiful thing she could have hoped for. You were supposed to ascend with her but she ruined it". " Slut" groaned a middle aged woman before spitting on the floor.
" She was my best friend you know... I thought I knew her. I thought I could trust her. But she lied to me."
"You see, we know you are his son. But... She wasn't a virgin when she was honoured."
She smiled. " It doesn't matter how cruelly she tricked us. You can help us find the perfect girl."
One by one, each member traced a symbol on my skin.
" You're so handsome... He'll be so glad. The perfect boy. The perfect vessel."
"It's almost time, Prepare" hissed the tall figure.
" You're going to give him his heir, the one ruler among the realms. You see he can't travel here whenever but you're an anchor my love. Each generation he choses an anchor until he finds one who'll give him THE son, the one who'll die for his freedom. Our freedom."
"QUIET SLAVE AND KNEEL" shrieked the tall figure.
She kneeled right near me, and whispered " You're...". I heard a slash. Aunt Maggie’s face slid horizontally. Her eyes followed me as the upper part of the face slid slowly toward the ground.
" HAIL THE PRINCE".
A chant, colder and louder than never before rose with the crackling flames toward the moon.
" Iä! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young! » chanted the disciples."
Frozen, I watched the blazing sky above and saw a door. A perfect wooden door , in the sky. It slowly cracked open as the crowd turn to hysterics and the chant turned to mad screams.
"MY SOOOOOOOON" The whole earth seemed to split open under the weight of the sound coming from the perfect rectangle of empty darkness in the sky.
And then... I saw... I saw what I had tried to forget for twenty-years. I saw those split red eyes and their evil glare. I saw the iron hooves at the end of too many legs. I saw the tentacles who fled my mother with their thousand beaks. Everything all at once, I saw it shift, from an odious form to a more loathsome one. I burned in a way I'll never be able to describe.
I woke up two weeks ago in the nearest hospital. I was found on the ground, surrounded by the yearlings, the corpse of gun and some remains of Max. My uncle explained to me that I had found a bear feasting on Gun, that Max must have attacked it and I'd fainted or been knocked out trying to scare it away. Laying lifeless had saved me. I didn't speak of what I saw at the hospital. I knew better now. I've tried to explain to my uncle why I had to move out to the big city. That I had a mission now. That I had never been crazy and that I shouldn't have been afraid.
I know now that I'm blessed. You see he thinks I'm just having another episode, that it’s a "manic" episode and I should go back to the clinic, but I know better now. I am special. I am. And he can be too. Anyway... He'll be whether he joins or not. You'll all be. Because he is coming. He 'll bless us all. Because you see, I know I can find her and I'll give him the perfect door. A door to let him in. A door to let all of him in. He'll honour us all, all at once.
" Iä! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young! »

The guy in my story is Elios (23M) and his current gf is Lily (22F). Oliver is my ex.
I was in a serious long term relationship with Oliver for about 4 years and broke up with him because of emotional mismatch. He constantly took me for granted. I felt unwanted for years and brokeup in the end. Immediately after the breakup, I met Elios. He always went out of his way to help me with everything. He was the kindest guy I knew back then who readily helped people. He listened to everything I had to say for hours and remembered all the small details about me. We both shared everything about our lives and were there for each other emotionally. We constantly showed up when the other was sick or stressed. He also hinted at us dating at times (or so I thought). We grew extremely close within a month and soon I fell for Elios. I confessed and he said he was really confused. Lily and him were also really close friends and I doubted that maybe he had feelings for her but he denied it. In a group setting, he would ignore me and only talk to Lily. And I felt like he talked to me only when Lily is busy. I gave him sometime to figure out his feelings- we were in a situationship in the meantime, he kept telling me he cant be in a relationship with me because he can't lose me and relationships often end in a bad note but we also kissed a couple of times. We were in a relationship for sometime. But then my ex's friends had contacted me saying how me getting into a new relationship was not right (I was in touch with my ex and had told him about Elios, Elios also mentioned that he felt insecure at the thought of him being just a rebound). Elios backed off real quick and said it would be best if we stayed friends.
I kept having hopes for a few months as it felt like he liked me (he went out of his way to do things for me, said really affectionate things, introduced me to his family, would get jealous if I paid attention to anyone else, was always there constantly) but he also kept spending time with Lily and soon told me he has feelings for her. He confessed to Lily soon and she kept rejecting and then accepting him back and forth because she was confused if it would workout. Everytime he was rejected, he would be overly affectionate (like hugging me and asking me if i remember our old times and stuff). He was also really upset about me being in a relationship. He kept making me feel like I am the most important person to him and soon kept dicthing me for Lily. A month later, he and Lily started dating and major conflicts arose between me and Elios because of not getting enough time for our friendship. Lily tells me that Elios told her he had a crush on her long back (around the time when we were almost getting together) and she had rejected him. When confronted, Elios came up with really bad excuses to cover it up. Elios and Lily are not an emotional match either- Lily is avoidant while he is anxious. Elios kept telling me that he is not sure about the future of his relationship and that it would be temporary only. He kept telling me I am more important than her and that I am the only one he trusts. My deduction being he is too scared to trust Lily as he is afraid she won't care. He vehemently rejected me trying to make our friendship into a siblingship of sorts and told me I m his soulmate and the love of his life (I am not sure if he meant this as friends). He is very touchy as well like we would cuddle, hug for a long time and he would look me in the eye and tell me he loves me and all that. After about half a year, he told me he is planning to breakup with Lily and was again giving hints (about how I look pretty and hot, I might be the one who is permanently with him, etc.). It almost felt like we were going to get together but again Lily refused to breakup with him and he went back to behaving like just a friend with me. Then we got drunk (he was sober and assumed I was drunk and would forget things) and when I asked why he doesn't like me, he said he likes me and loves me more than her. And when I asked why he is with her, he said he doesn't know. He also said they are not compatible and that they won't work out. He said he would let me settle only for either him or a guy better than him. He said I should move on now. And that he would show me his writings when he developed feelings for me the first time and when he does, I should come back to him. He also asked me, 'how can you go back to him like we were nothing' (referring to my rekindled friendship with my ex). The next day, I pretended to have forgotten all this and just told him I like him when and that I want him to stay away till I move on (because I started feeling like a backup option he can come back to once his relationship fails). I almost cut the friendship off and he started spending more time with Lily. Their relationship seems to be going well now and now I am back to the friend position. He is still very affectionate and tells me, relationships can fail but we both are going to always be there for each other. I am confused big time.
Someone with experience please help me understand what is going on and suggest what to do.

I was invited by a couple of friends to go camping a few days ago. I'm honestly still exactly not sure if any of it was real, but I wish to share my story nonetheless. It began last Monday, when friend number Six invited friends One through Five to a girls get away. She claims to have found this beautiful spot in the mountain on one of her hikes and she says it’s perfect for seeing the stars at night. I was skeptical at first, to be honest I don't really like being outdoors, but it sounded like an experience worth having, so I thought "why not, this will be a wonderful memory to look back on!". I had just purchased a new camera as well, so I was honestly starting to warm up to the idea. I could take pictures of our excursion into the woods and make cute little picture frames for everyone for their birthdays, it would've been so cute! But things did not go at all as I had envisioned.
So the day of the trip arrives, a bit faster than I would've liked, but honestly I think I was just anxious about… I kept feeling this weight in my chest that made it uncomfortable to breathe, but I was going into the woods, strange things happen to women in movies; Jason Voorhees, Sasquatch, Shia LaBeouf! Who knows what could happen! Not to mention there is always the chance I could fall into a lake and get covered in leeches, or get surrounded by wolves, or chased up a tree by a bear… Hopefully a very soft bear so I'll at least know one pleasure before I die! There are all sorts of fears I had envisioned before the day of the trip, but anxiety just be like that.
I met up with my friends at the trail and learned that friend Six decided to bring her bf along, which I was upset about but I guess he was just going to get a hotel room nearby so he'd be close enough to her to feasibly show up if we needed any help. She later told us that he worries all the time because his father went missing in these woods years ago and he's worried the same might happen to her. This is where I learned that men tend to stay out of those woods because men have been going missing in those woods for years, but according to friend Six, she's been coming to this forest for a while now and hasn't had any bad experiences. Hearing that did oddly put me at ease, but now all I could wonder at the time was what happened to all those poor men.
Deep into the night we're all chit chatting, talking about where we are in our lives, things that are bugging us, what our hopes are, and dancing to the music of nature… but which of course I mean we got shit drunk, smoked some great wee, talked about sex, laughed over silly anime scenes, and twerked to slipknot girly bops!. It was such a fun night at that point that I honestly wish I could go back and never let that night end. It was intoxicating how beautiful the sky looked, and when gazed up it was almost like we could scoop the stars into our hands and sip from the sea of stars. I was worried we'd just be on our phones all night filming tiktoks or something but even with no signal, no one really seemed to be too stressed about it, we all just kind of felt safe… Almost welcomed into the forest, like being embraced by a loving mother. But unfortunately, heaven isn't forever, and men come not but to steal, kill, and destroy.
As we were drinking we decided to tell some scary stories… or well I decided to because I thought "it's so cliché but we have to do it. It feels like tradition almost." plus I would've regretted it if we didn't do it, so fuck it, right? Right. So we go around telling scary stories to one another, and I mention to friend Six that I keep thinking about those poor men that went missing. I then asked if any women had gone missing, and surprisingly she said yes… it was way back in the 1800's but after that there had never been a single missing woman in that forest. The forest was actually named after the first young woman who went missing all those years back, and now there are all these rumors about it but I don't believe in that stuff so I didn't really pay much attention… I kept thinking "I'll just wait for the manga… or the shitty Hollywood cash grab of it…" but I DO vaguely remember the history cause I find dark history lore to be super fascinating. So there was a time when the area had more indigenous citizens living here, before gentrification moved into town. She went on to tell us that indigenous people eventually began to keep to themselves because as more white people moved in, more of their daughters went missing. There are yearly parades to honor the missing daughters and to spread awareness to those living in the town. The police try to shut it down but they still do it every year.
Not long after hearing that we hear something howl in the distance. Friend Three howls back and friend Five falls on her out of her camping chair laughing. I tell them to knock it off because the last thing we need is for her to accidentally attract a wolf during mating season! I don't know if that’s a thing, but it sounds like something that’s a thing… So I'm just going to assume that it is. Don't judge me. She then says "But what if it's Taylor Lautner? Or Joe Manganiello? Personally… I'm more of a Meatloaf guy myself… But you know… RIP… But Joe is pretty fine and my mom did always hope I'd marry a black man to get melanin back in our family… But I don't think a splash of melanin is gonna override this asian/african skin so… Anyways! So these guys come walking past our camp site, and we're all drunk and high so we're already all on edge upon seeing random men this deep into the forest, but friend Four gets up and says "who the fuck are you and what're you doing here!?" One of the men quickly apologizes and tells us they're actually out here camping as well. They said a friend of theirs found this waterfall in the forest that glows because it captures the moon's light. Friend Two hears this and asks if we can go with them, to which we all begrudgingly agree.
At the "mooncuzi" I like to call it, we all sit around this beautiful natural pool lit up by the moon, and we were worried it would be cold but I was surprisingly warm, if I had to guess I'd assume there's a magma vein under there or something? Idk, I'm not a geologist or volcanologist, but something kept it warm and it wasn't my tiny bladder! Everyone was really relaxed and the guys honestly seemed super cool, and guy One honestly seemed really nice. I call him guy One because he's number 1 to me, we're still together now, and we even have another partner now, so yay! We all began talking and some of us were hitting it off, clearly… but we had all been drinking and smoking more which, honestly we had stopped… but we couldn't pass up the opportunity to get cross-faded in a mooncuzi. Nuh. Nope. Not on my watch. But someone clearly didn't get the vibe memo, because friend Two screams out "bro what the fuck I said no!"
The next thing we hear is "You don't have to yell about it like some kind of cunt!" Everyone runs over to try and figure out what's going on. Turns out guy Five didn't like being told no. He and friend Two were playing a drinking game with friends Three and Four and guy Three and Four. We learned that guy Five dared friend Two to take her top off, to which she said politely refused, and the guys didn't seem to like that. They tried to convince her it's part of the game. One of the guys said she was already in her underwear anyway, so she might as well… My guy, One, and guy Two scolded their friends for their behavior, which is why guy Two and friend Two are married now… Guess nice guys don't finish last, huh? Anyways, They scolded their friends for their behavior, I remember my guy yelling "you never speak to a woman like that!" and "If I ever catch you trying to peer pressure a woman again I'll take your testicals in my hand and squeeze on them slowly until I know what it's like to feel one pop in my hand." and it was honestly the hottest thing I've ever heard a man say… a bit violent… but fuck was I glad I was in the water!
Guys One and Two apologized for their friends' actions the whole way back. I asked them why they remained friends with them and guy One had gone off to college while guy Two went into the service, so the two of them had been away for a few years, but they swore their friends never used to be like that. This was actually supposed to be a reunion hike of sorts since they both happened to come back around the same time. After meeting up with guys Three, Four, and Five though, they realized their friends had been warped by these podcasts about alphas and betas and maximizing your sigma or something, and tried to convince him to listen to some pickup artist that claimed to know the secret to unlocking the female brain. Also known as, stupid useless slop grifters make to get rich off young boys with zero confidence and zero bitches. Lastly, he tells me guy Three was actually raised by a single mother alongside his two sisters, so he really wouldn't expect that kind of behavior from him. Guy Four was always sort of sketchy but they thought he was "just being funny", men right? The only thing they felt was weird about him was this one time when they were teens his sister moved away and he got really quiet afterwards, but then he dated a few people that looked almost identical to her, but for some reason he didn't see it, so they started calling him "little sister" (or did they? oooo) or "Lil" for short, joking he had an undiagnosed sister complex… Ew. That’s all I’ll say to that. The last guy, Five, they said always seemed fine to them, they didn't elaborate, so idk what their idea of "fine" is, sorry to disappoint.
Not long after we got back to the camp we heard engines in the distance, and as they got closer and closer we all stared in confusion. No one should be riding vehicles out this way, and friend 6 knows her bf wouldn't come out here without alerting us.
The vehicles stopped after surrounding us with their lights pointing right at us. We heard the familiar voices of guy Three, along with 4 new voices. He whined about how we hyurt his widdle feefees or something obnoxious. I tried to listen but it's just so hard to listen to some overgrown pissbaby go on about their fragile ego. Guys One and Two went to confront guy Three and his posse, asking why they didn’t wait at the car. Guy Three told them they wouldn’t understand because they’ve given themselves over to feminist ideas and allowed themselves to become beta cucks. He told them that simps deserve to die so other men won’t be warped by feminist witch pussy magic like they have… Like we just met these guys and he’s already acting like we had sex… This man's logic was like a runaway train, the cars are all there but they ain’t making it to their destination. Guys One and Two continue to argue with guys Three, Four, and Five, before guys Six and seven come up behind them and put knives to their necks. At this moment I noticed a gleam in guy Three’s eyes. He now thinks he’s invincible… I can see the depravity in his eyes as he looks upon friend Two, stripping her down in his mind, imagining all the sick things he’ll do. And as if to validate my suspicions, he walks up to her and says “You never did complete that dare… How about we start a new game… But this time we won’t have any need for truths.” I watch as fear washes over Two’s face, as she begins to imagine what he is implying, almost as if his depraved thoughts were being projected into her mind, instilling suffering on her before he had even begun to touch her. She catches herself, refusing to give him the satisfaction of fear and spits in his face. She then tells him “you couldn’t even please your hand with a prick that small.” The look of anger on his face was honestly delectable. If I could, I would put it on canvas and call it “Portrait of a Scorned Man” or “Man who just realized being a dick doesn’t make yours bigger”. ANYWAYS, he then began to yell something about "it's up to real men to show women their place in society!" OOO so angwy! They started circling around us like starving wolves. One of them placed themselves against friend Five’s back and said "I always wondered if trans women looked different down there." Which angered friend Five, but not as much as it did friend Four who tends to be a bit of a hot head.
Friend Four may look like a pretty cute petite princess, but she's manlier than most men I know. She's a competitive marksman, as well as being a gymrat who likes to build cars on the weekends. She's also the girlfriend of friend Five, not that that’s important but I feel like it should be important. So anyways, she starts blasting right? And one of these guys yells "what the fuck they’ve got funs!? Who the fuck gave these stupid bitches guns!?" I then hear one of them try to antagonize her by saying "pretty young thang like you shouldn't be carrying such a big piece until she's used to it! AYO!" So she shot a round off at the tree he took shelter behind as if to mock him by letting him know his life is in her hands… She looked like a real boss bitch, like for real! That girl is HIM! She has always been him, she will always be him! While this was taking place, friend Six reached out to her boyfriend now that we could finally use the radio without fear of them taking it. We explained what was happening and asked him to bring help. He told us to tie the button down and to hide it from sight so that he could listen in while he headed to the station to get help. I feel so bad for that man, having to listen to all those screams, feeling completely powerless to do anything in the moment, but we’re so thankful to him for being there in the way that he was.
Gun fire kept ringing out as Four kept firing rounds into the forests yelling “I shoot to maim!” and “You’re not safe here!” hoping to scare the men enough to make them retreat because none of them seemed to have rifles on them… But then we hear it… The first scream… Everyone freezes in their tracks, their heart stilled by this sudden shriek of terror that seemed to only further race towards the all consuming darkness. The moment it stopped nothing remained but the slow encroaching crawl of raindrops and the rapid beating drums of the fear in our hearts. It's then that the rain came down like a closing curtain on the chapter of our innocence, because that’s when we heard the second scream, a scream just as chilling as the first, ascending high into the tree tops before we see something that shocks everyone to their core; the haunting image of a man’s face still screaming, a face still unaware its going to meet, a face that still hopes to be saved but never will. Within unison, as if hell had a chorus, we all screamed in silence as we turned to run. With no other means of safety, my friends, guys One and Two, as well as myself ran for the tent. We don't really know what happened after we got into the tent, but not a second went by that we didn't think we wouldn't be next. We know better now, but in that moment I felt both relief and fear for my life. I just kept thinking how lucky I was that I was fortunate enough to die with my dignity still intact… I kept thinking "at least those man babies didn't get to do whatever depravity they had in mind"
Well by now everyone knows what happened, it's been on the news. Those 3 guys and all of their cronies turned up missing… But what the news won't tell you is that we were saved by Mama Makwa, we call her that due to the sounds we heard, as well as the site we saw afterwards. The bellowing sound of vengeance that came in the form of a bear’s roar was as loud as the mean screaming they saw a 9 ft tall bear with skin dripping off of its bone like fur. We later learned that men referred to it as “Slippy Skin” aka "Wejuk", as it seemed the bear would change appearance depending on who gazed upon its visage, but this was not "Wejuk". One by one, we heard those men scream for their lives, describing a creature with a mouth made of human hands that had palms covered by teeth shaped like hypodermic needles. It had claws that seemed like stone daggers that were etched by native americans. They warned each other "Don't look into its eyes!" before proclaiming how sorry they were for the things they'd done… They complained of the putrid stench suffocating them as they were pulled into its gaping maw. They screamed of the creatures rotting viscous flesh melting into their own, and making their skin a part of it, as if their skins were fuel for the fear this best could instill by its mere dominion over them. But we never saw that creature… Instead, after the screams stopped, we were greeted by this beautiful creature that looked like a bear, only it had this glow about it, and its fur seemed almost like the softest of opalescent feathers. Its eyes looked just like the aurora borealis, and she was mesmerizing. We felt safe, and welcomed, and most of all protected… After everything that happened, I think we will be coming back, because we know Mama Makwa will be there to protect us. We believe Mama Makwa is an avenging spirit born from the fear those women felt, here to make sure no other women ever have to suffer like they did within this forest. We also now understand why those men all went missing. My boyfriend and friend Two's husband weren't attacked by Mama Makwa… Only the men who felt any sort of ill intent toward us women that night saw Mama Makwa in that form, the form they confused for Slippy… But knowing there is a safe haven for women out there, I'm thinking we will have another girls night next year, anybody wanna come?

Kassandra sat still, her body hunched as she softly whispered to herself. Little things, truths and lies, some she knew and others she wished. They were words meant for none but herself, yet there was one that yet heard her.
“Kass… we can’t stay here.” Her Beacon was bold to speak to her in such a manner. So familiar, so caring… or was it all just a lie? She knew what was to come, she knew the fate that awaited her in this room. It was just a matter of time now.
“Your sisters will come for you, for us. For our children…” How he referred to the Night Lords as such she could never understand. They should have been monsters, it was what she had seen in her visions, and yet… she could not say that they were. She hated them all the more for it. Fate could not be challenged, it could not be rewritten by gentle words or a kind heart.
“Isis is dead, Aurelia, Atalanta, Petra, Fulgrim, they’ve all gone. Some hiding, others in retreat… there will be no help coming. Kassandra, please…” Yet he had managed it. He had kept his faith in them, and her sons had fulfilled it. They were not the monsters she knew them to be. So why was it so hard for her to do the same? She had always known her fate, to die in this room, but from the moment she had met him she had seen two futures. That fact may have comforted some, but it had plagued her, for neither gave her hope.
She would die in this room, either by his hand or the assassin that even now lurked in the shadows. Vindication was shortly at hand.
“Kassandra!” He had stepped closer to her now, moving to stand behind her. Gripping her shoulder, he pulled her around to face him. She could have resisted if she wanted to, but she didn’t. She didn’t have the energy to. “We. Have. To. Leave. Now!” He barked orders at her, as if he were the one with power, as if he had some semblance of control. He didn’t. None of them did. Their fates had been written from the moment they were born, just as she had always known.
Her eyes fell to the knife at his waist, a small and ceremonial thing from the first planet he had managed to win over for her through talk. He had stepped in to prevent a massacre, and she had given him that knife as a token of his achievement. He had been so grateful then that he had missed the pain she felt in doing so. He often said it was a sign that she was something special, that even a lowly human could temper her worst impulses. That she was willing to listen.
It was the knife he would use to kill her.
She had always left out that part when recounting her nightmares and visions. He had always been so determined to help her find a way to prevent them, to change them. As if the will of one man could alter the very currents of fate.
“Are you even listening?” If someone else didn’t beat him to it that was. The assassin was lining up their shot, taking the time to breath and adjust. They would only get the one chance after all. “Why won't you listen to me?” He turned to step away, rubbing a hand through his hair, one hand moving to rest on his belt.
There were two futures now, two paths, even if both only lead to her death. If she were forced to choose, she would rather it be by his hand. She trusted him… loved him, but she also knew what it was like to live with nightmares for all of one's life.
Shifting, she positioned herself into the sniper's scope, directly where her enemy wanted her. There were words she wanted to say, things that would have been better not left unsaid, yet they would not come to her.
“I am… sorry…” Kassandra said simply… sadly, whatever it was, it seemed to draw his attention once more, for he turned with a look of great concern. One of love, a look the monster she was supposed to be never should have been graced by.
He stepped over once more and she hurriedly shifted to keep a clear shot. He did not know that her vision was of today, and she would not tell him, lest he try and stop her. It didn’t matter if it happened this day or the next, or a thousand years from now. It was fate, and there was no changing that.
His arms fell on her waist as he met her gaze. His eyes were the same as they had always been, dark, deep, and filled with love. “Kassandra… I know you think you are a monster, that you are not worth saving, but…” He shook his head. “I love you, flaws and all. Your sons love you… I would spend my life with you, if you would but give me the chance.”
The sniper took their final breath before the shot.
What he saw in her eyes, Kassandra would never know, but a look of sorrow fell over his face.
Her Beacon, the only light she had ever known in a dark and painful existence, pulled her head down to lock their lips one final time. Shifting his hands up her back as a loud crack sounded through the hall. By the time Kassandra opened her eyes, her sons were already flooding into the room, weapons drawn and ready for a fight.
Strangely enough, there was no pain. The visions had always promised agony, just before the end. Looking down, her mind was… slow to comprehend why.
Her Beacon’s head had fallen limp against her chest, his body following suit as strength seemed to flee him in an instant. Kneeling, Kassandra didn’t know what to do. Pulling his head up, there was a sad smile on his face, even as blood spilled from his mouth. No vision or nightmare had prepared her for the sorrow that came crashing down.
“You are my brightest future… I will always love you.”
“I-” Before Kassandra could finish the sentence, her Beacon dimmed.
Fate could be changed, it was not absolute. The realization was crushing, so too was the sorrow, but with it, came a sense of freedom.
—----------
Okay, first time writing anything for Warhammer. Honestly, it's always been too dark for my own writing style as I am a fan of utilizing dramatic moments such as the fact Beacon did not perish instantly. That doesn't really fit with the facts of the lore, but I think that for the drama here it can be accepted. I usually have an editor that goes over my stuff but with this AU... well, its a bit crackpot even for them, so its just my own stuff this time so I apologize if there are some spelling errors. Point them out and I will fix them.
I am also only tentatively familiar with Canon Konrad in the lore so I am aware this characterization probably feels off, did my best given that this is a variant of said character. Also, I went with Kassandra because of the parallels with Cassandra in Greek mythology. Couldn’t resist, haven't seen a poll for her yet so had to make up my mind so… u/ComplexNo8986, get to it! (jk)
Credit to Sweet Older Sister for inspiring this entire AU
Credit to u/Occam_P112_Aigaion for the use of the “You are my brightest future” line.
Hope its a good addition to the lore for the darker timeline, let me know what you think. I personally am a proponent for things being better because of the SO’s, so I don’t actually headcanon this for the “main” timeline, I prefer Sanguinia and Dove helping Kassandra on Beacon’s assistance, but this moment was too good to pass up.

If you don't wanna read my nonsense that's totally fine I wanna hear ur methods and processes anyway ! My situation, Just to preface, I am in therapy but the day to day is so grueling that 50 minutes of chatting per week isn't enough for me rn. I know this shit takes time and I'll probably look back at this and cringe. I guess I have a history of crummy relationships where I try to fix it all when it starts going south, spent a while alone figuring out my patterns then met my ex. We had a lowkey amazing 2 years together; I've never been understood and understanding of someone else like that before. I never saw a true chance of a future with someone. It was going great, wanted to move to another state, looked around Zillow together for a while then signed the lease together. he changed his mind in the midst of our drive to the new place. I knew I'd regret not full sending, so I took on the lease alone knowing I might be breaking us up - he said he wanted to get his stuff together and meet me here when his lease is up, any time we saw each other he said he'd be here beside me soon. Well - he told me a week ago he isn't in a position to move (I get it) and that he loves me, but he hates his life situation and just doesn't want to move right now; I literally have not heard from him since. I tried to be understanding and took time to come up with an "I can't imagine feeling the way you do, I'm here for you, what do you think this means for us?" Type message. I'd just visited him a couple months ago and he said I'm his person, he never wanted to break up; I hope yall trust I gave him every opportunity to open up the past few months about any doubts or worries he had, he eventually distanced himself out of my life completely, he's isolating from all of his friends too. My therapist says he's ashamed of his position in life (he says he hates himself etc etc and I know I can't fix that even tho I lowkey think I could bc his family has told him for years he isn't good enough and stuff I'm sure he's internalized) ANYWAY I guess context doesn't matter because he won't talk to me now 😀 so not only am I mourning the loss of the good 2 years, (I really thought he was 'the one' which makes me feel so silly and dumb in todays society but fml), but I have to start settling into a new TOWN and STATE and apartment I thought I'd be sharing with him. It's so scary to imagine finding a new group of friends and stuff alone. I know I'm strong and did it all despite the struggle and all the shit I should tell myself to boost myself up, my therapist said I need to "let myself be a 22 year old going through a break up," and not rush my process - but I don't even know how to process this. I know he's on his own journey, I can't dwell on whether he's struggling or finding other people to replace the idea of me, (I know I shouldn't check or care but he's using social media he'd never used when we were together like Snapchat and our mutual friends say he has a habit of sabotaging things when they get good - kinda implying if he did find someone else it wouldn't end any better for him but that doesn't comfort me at all lmao) I have to figure my shit out. I want to cry in a ball all the time but also bash on myself for staying in bed and not being "productive," whatever that means. I normally stand my ground and speak my mind, but when I get into a lovergirl relationship it seems like all hope for me goes out the window. It feels so hard to find someone who accepts all of the weird shit I have to offer, I guess I'm scared I won't find that again but I'm more so just so sad that it wasn't him
If you read this far, you're so real for that thank u. I'm just sad asf trying not to resent him or myself for being 13 hours away from my friends and family. Why would he move me out here and then dump me :/ I tried so hard to be the best; it scares me too in the future I could meet someone and it be better, then end up the same way. I just want to find someone to figure it all out with. I thought I did. It was so good before I moved, and I'll never know what we could've done together if he took the chance. I can't imagine he would initially sign the lease if he never wanted to but maybe I was really misunderstanding the whole time. I guess as a "see a problem fix it" type, I just can't grasp avoidance

The scene faded back in to a shot of the team and host in the prison courtyard, the two groups of teens each standing by a dirty laundry cart. "Elimination challenge!" Chris exclaimed happily. "Here we go! No 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards here, people! This, is 'Escape from Total Drama Pen.'!" The camera quick-panned away from Chris' close-up to one of the carts.
"Each team must hop in their laundry carts, while one member pushes through the obstacle course to freedom!" As he spoke, the scene flashed to a shot of wooden dummies dressed like prison guards with automatic swinging arms, and then again to a pair of narrow platforms over a water pool with large sandbags swinging back and forth between them, and once more to the prisoner dummies with various sharp objects attached to their hands.
"When you reach the wall," Chris continued as the camera moved back to the group shot, "get diggin'! First team to reach the boxcar to freedom wins immunity!" The shot quick-panned over to a pair of boxcars sitting on a small section of rail tracks. "Convicts, select a pusher!"
"I'll do it!" Chase and Sky volunteered simultaneously, and the two quickly turned their heads to each other.
"I'll be the one to push for us!" Jasmine declared to the Grips. "Does anybody have a problem with that?" she asked her team, who were already starting to climb into the cart.
"I don't," Millie said as she got on.
"You are our best option," Anne Maria added as she hopped onto the cart.
Jasmine smiled. "Excellent!"
Confessional: Jasmine
“When you have long legs, speed can come off as an attribute,” Jasmine confessed.
Confessional Ends
"Not to be a jerk or anything," Chase said as the focus moved back to the Gaffers, "but I want to be the one who pushes, not you."
"Only one of us can do it, and it should be me," Sky offered.
"I know we won the shovel, but the Grips have Jasmine pushing for them," Chase argued, “and if we want to beat them, we'll need a lot of speed coming from me.”
"You're not the only one who's been on a track team," Sky protested. “I practice track at my school in order to prep myself for the Olympics.”
"I have longer legs than you," Chase pointed out, "and that'll at least make us on par with the other team."
“This bickering is not helping us,” Sky groaned and turned to her team. "So team, who do you want to drive the cart? Me or Chase?"
"I say Chase," Ripper said first. “Sky's not Sonic fast.”
"Well I think Sky should push us," Scott declared. “Chase being on the track team is more of a hobby to him.”
"To break the tie, I'll go with Sky," MK said. "She is the team's leader."
Chase sighed. "Alright!" He walked towards the cart. "But if we don't win, it's not coming back to me."
Confessional: Sky
“Me and MK don't know each other well, and she is generally not cordial, but I do have to thank her for having my back in the situation,” Sky explained.
Confessional: MK
“The way I see it, if Sky loses the cart challenge for us, me and Scott can use that as a reason to pick her off,” MK told the audience. “With her and Trent's love plot coming to a halt, there's no need to keep her in the game any longer.”
Confessionals End
"This is it, teams," Chris announced as the two groups were shown in their starting positions – most of the teams in their carts, with Jasmine and Sky ready to push. "On your marks...," the host said as a few deep notes began the fast-paced music that would play during the challenge, "get set...escape!"
The two started pushing immediately, and Jasmine managed to get an early lead for the Grips. However, Sky was gaining momentum, and the two kicked up a cloud of dust behind them as they entered the first obstacle – the sharp-handed prisoner dummies. The camera watched from above as they weaved around and through the field in different directions, and at one point it looked like their paths were going to intersect. The two girls briefly locked eyes and steeled themselves as their carts bounced off each other, rattling their teammates inside.
The viewpoint shifted to show the start of the next obstacle – the narrow platforms over water, with large bags already swinging back and forth threateningly. Sky pushed her team up onto the platform, and the focus moved ahead to Jasmine doing the same as well. The people in the carts ducked down to get away from the swinging bags. However, Anne Maria's big hair stuck up enough for one of the bags to brush past it, which slowed it down enough that Jasmine ran face-first into it while she had been distracted looking back at the other team. It knocked her down and caused her to let go of the cart, which managed to keep rolling along without her.
"We can use this to our advantage!" Ripper barked. "Keep it steady and we can catch up!"
"I got it!" Sky picked up her pace. She managed to get them past Jasmine and another two bags and they caught up to the Grips' cart, which had stopped at the end of the second obstacle. The viewpoint shifted to show them watching in shock as the Gaffers approached unsteadily, with Jasmine running just inches behind them.
Just as Sky was getting the groove of pushing the cart, a bag hit her in the head, which caused her to lose her balance and the front left wheel of the Gaffers' cart to leave the platform as it rapidly approached the end of the second obstacle, and the camera zoomed in as it dipped down and hit the corner where the narrow platform ended, causing the cart to spill forward.
"Hurry up!" Anne Maria commanded as Jasmine retook control over the Grips’ cart and sped forward, past the pile of Gaffers and into the final obstacle.
The camera followed them as they weaved through the guard-dummies, becoming more and more excited as they neared the wall. "Alright," Jasmine said. "We're getting closer to victory!"
A second passed in silence as they kept going at the same speed. "Uhh, Jasmine?" Justin said nervously as he eyed the approaching wall.
"We can stop now!" Millie notified.
Their words caused her to skid to a stop just in front of the wall. "Thanks for the warning," Jasmine said as her teammates breathed a sigh of relief.
"We may not have a shovel," Brick told his team with a spoon in hand, "but we must make do with what we have."
“Go go!" Jasmine eagerly ordered everyone out the cart. “Hop to it like kangaroos!” They all ran over to the large 'X' and started digging.
"Well this is just great!" Ripper complained as he, MK, Chase, and Scott picked themselves up off the ground, and Sky turned their cart back upright. "We're behind the Grips!"
“This is why I should've been the driver,” Chase spoke out. “I would have been able to avoid those bags.”
"None of this is our fault," Sky said. "We can still catch up to the Grips if we don't start arguing with each other."
The footage flashed ahead, showing the Gaffers sitting in the laundry cart with Sky pushing them through the final obstacle. Moments later they arrived at the wall, a hole and sizable dirt pile already by their opponent's cart. The four Gaffers hopped out, and Sky took the shovel out of her pocket.
"Jump right to it, team," Sky ordered. "We have a lot to dig!"
The camera flashed to Chris and Chef at the finish line, Chris sitting on the entrance of a boxcar while Chef leaned against it. "So..." Chris asked. "You ever seen that prison flick? The one with the guy in it? You know? The guy with that face?" Chef rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"So are you doing anything after work?" the host asked awkwardly. "We could always rent a-" He noticed the look on the cook's face and amended, "or not. I was... busy... anyway. Very busy. I'm just… throwing it out there."
The scene changed to a side view of the Grips in their tunnel, Jasmine hastily digging in front with her spoon.
"We're making good progress so far," Jasmine said. "Even if we're stuck with spoons."
"I can hear them ahead of us now," Millie said. "Wouldn't it be faster if we helped dig too?"
"Ten hands are better than two," Jasmine agreed.
Confessional: Jasmine
“After losing two challenges in a row, the Grips really need to bounce back this time,” Jasmine stated. “I've watched enough prison movie like “Holes” and “The Shawshank Redemption” to understand which spots are easier to dig out first.”
Confessional Ends
Another flash took the scene back to the Gaffers, Ripper being the one using the shovel to dig in the front.
"I'm not lying when I say that we're going to win," Ripper said as he kept digging.
"The Grips may have gotten here before us, but they have spoons and we have a shovel," Chase added.
“And it's all thanks to me!” MK cheered before catching sight of Scott's glare. “And Scott as well.”
Confessional: MK
“Right. Forgot the basic concept of teamwork,” MK sheepishly confessed. “Usually I always fly solo in everything I do, except group projects, and most of the time, I have to do everything because my supposed group members are uncooperative.”
Confessional Ends
The Gaffers heard a sudden rumble, causing them to stop in their tracks. A hand burst out of the dirt, creating a hole that increases thanks to a familiar head sticking their head out.
“Izzy?!” the team cries out at the sight of her. The psycho hose beast had fake buck teeth in her mouth and a camo hat with sticks sticking out on top, and she chittered in response.
“Yep. That's her,” Chase confirmed.
“Yeah, I've been living underground amongst the prairie dogs,” Izzy explained as one of the prairie dogs popped up and angrily chittered at the team.
“Aw, Butchie, it's okay,” Izzy assured the creature. “These are my friends.”
“Are you here to help us or…” Scott started to ask.
“Of course! Follow me, I know a shortcut to the finish line!” Izzy said.
“A shortcut?” Sky felt uneasy.
“Of course,” Ripper scoffed. “Why spend hours digging when you can finish faster?”
Confessional: Sky
"I'm not the type to cheat whenever I'm in a competition, and taking shortcuts is the easy way out," Sky explained in the confessional trailer, "but I don't really have a choice here."
Confessional Ends
“And of course, I became the second in command prairie dog,” Izzy told her team a story as they moved through the shortcut, “which meant I shared all the prairie dog council meetings and oh, oh! Here we are!”
“Finally! I need to get out of this hole!” Chase said and crawled faster.
The viewpoint moved to the surface as rock got pushed out of the way and Chase emerged from beneath. "You've got to be kidding," he muttered in annoyance.
The camera moved again, showing that the Grips’ tunnel had come up in front of the boxcars. All members of the Killer Grips were celebrating in front, while Chris and Chef watched.
"We lost?" Izzy said as she emerged from her hole.
"Yes, we did," Chase told her as he and the other Gaffers got out of the hole. "And aren't you out of the game? We did vote you off."
“Uh-uh. You voted off Kaleidoscope,” Izzy rebutted.
A flash took the scene back to the third episode's elimination with Izzy, Ripper, and Chase in the bottom three. “Izzy! Time to go!” Chris announced.
“I'm not going anywhere,” Izzy objected. “That's not my name.”
“Can I get a pen over here?” Chris raised his hand in annoyance. A pen was given to him, and he started to write on the paper. “It says "E-Scope" now, okay?!”
Izzy stubbornly stayed in her seat, and Chris looked over to his side. “Yo guys. Want to make sure we keep this ballot in the files as an official record of Kaleidoscope's departure?” he asked as he continued to scribble. “I'll notarize it. Foresight. That's why they pay me the big bucks.”
The flashback ended and the focus returned to the Gaffers. “So technically, Izzy's still in the game!” Sky realized.
Confessional: MK
“I didn't expect this to happen, but I'll allow it if it means I get an extra vote for tonight's elimination ceremony,” MK said.
Confessional Ends
A flash took the scene to the craft services tent, the camera lingering on an outside shot before cutting to Chef at the counter while the Grips ate at their table in the foreground.
“It's such a relief to have finally won a challenge after losing the past two ones,” Brick started to say.
“Well, this is an effect of Trent not being around to lose for us,” Justin said. “We made the right decision voting him off last time.”
“Even with the other team getting Izzy back, they're still going to lose a member,” Anne Maria remarked. “It's sorta a win-win for us.”
The footage skipped ahead, showing Ripper and Scott sitting around in their trailer before MK joined them.
"Okay, look," MK said as she addressed the two boys, "we have to vote Sky off tonight. She's helpful, sure, but she'd be hard to beat if the teams merge."
"I second that," Scott nodded. "She also slowed us down in the cart portion of the challenge."
"I told you guys that Chase should've pushed for us, but you didn't listen," Ripper huffed.
“I convinced Izzy to help us with the vote, and Chase won't be necessary since he and Sky have some sort of friendship with each other,” MK said.
"As long as we have the majority, we're all set to go," Scott said with a wink.
The theme of the Gilded Chris ceremony began to play, accompanied by the standard introduction sequence. It faded into a long-distance shot of the award stage, the camera zooming in as the theme came to an end. The six Gaffers cast their votes, the camera panning down from Chase and MK in the top row, to Izzy and Scott in the middle, and Ripper and Sky at the bottom.
"Time's up!" Chris announced excitedly. "I'll tally the votes!" He held up a device similar to the voting pads, and began to read off names. "Chase, Scott, Izzy, and MK." Each name was accompanied by the sound of an award getting thrown and caught and the four were shown holding their latest prizes. "Another award, and another day to compete."
The host held up the final award. "Tonight's final Gilded Chris and another chance at the million goes to…" he said as Ripper and Sky were shown watching nervously, "...Ripper!"
The aforementioned contestant caught his prize as Sky felt disappointed with the results.
Confessional: Sky
“I didn't want to vote for Chase and Izzy and MK and Scott helped out with the challenge, even if they're unsportsmanlike,” Sky explained. “I talked to Chase and Izzy about voting for Ripper since he didn't do much today, but I guess Izzy chose to vote off someone else.”
Confessional: Ripper
“Voting for Sky didn't hurt one bit,” Ripper confessed. “Like MK said, she's really athletic and could easily win the season if we chose to eliminate somebody else tonight.”
Confessional: Izzy
“Even though I was told to vote off specific people, I decided to go with voting MK,” Izzy admitted. “I still remember how she acted during last season's dodgeball challenge.”
Confessionals End
The footage flashed forward, showing Sky on the red carpet getting handcuffed by Chef.
"Dead girl walking!" Chef called out before escorting the eliminated contestant.
"Hold on!" the voice of MK cried out as she ran up to the two. “Leave her and take me!”
“Sure. Whatever,” Chef took the handcuffs off Sky and offered them to MK.
“I was kidding!” MK pushed the cuffs away from her. “Like I'd willingly quit the game. I'm just here to see the loser off.” She looked at the slightly taller girl teasingly. “I'm sure you'll be happily reunited with Trent the Challenge Thrower.”
"As long as I'm not on a team with someone as underhanded as you," Sky retorted as she grabbed the handcuffs and walked past the now miffed girl, "I'll be happy anywhere."
The Gilded Chris theme began to play as Chris turned to the camera. "Folks are getting feisty!" he said. "The Gaffers just lost their best player and team leader this early in the game, and with her out of the way, how low will this team sink just to win? Tune in next week to find out on Total! Drama! Action!"
(Roll the Credits)
(Bonus Clip)
Sky was sitting in the back of the Lame-o-sine as she looked at the window. "You know what’s ironic?" she started. "Trent outlasted me last season by one episode, and now the same thing occurred, only with the roles reversed." She turned her head to look at the camera. "I wish I could've stayed on the show longer and prove that I'm more than Trent's athletic girlfriend, but I'm pretty sure the fans know that I have a distinct personality."
"If there's one thing I can say about my performance, it's that I didn't do anything questionable or controversial that could be used against me in the future or vilify me." She paused for a moment and blinked. "What do you mean Aftermath?"
Eva - 14th
Geoff - 14th
Izzy - RETURNED
Trent - 12th
Sky - 11th
Killer Grips: Anne Maria, Brick, Jasmine, Justin, Millie
Screaming Gaffers: Chase, Izzy, MK, Ripper, Scott

Killer Grips: Anne Maria, Brick, Jasmine, Justin, Millie
Screaming Gaffers: Chase, MK, Ripper, Scott, Sky
Episode 7: The Chefshank Redemption
"Last week, the dry desert heat baked our favorite pardners like roadkill on the black top! But, crispy bottoms or not, they still had to mount their ancient steed… from a hundred-foot platform!"
“But that wasn't all. A calf-roping contest had the teams lasso each other. When Trent threw challenges for Sky, she gave him a much deserved talking to, which led to some Total Drama from Justin. Well, poor old deputy Trent found himself hitching a ride on the 3:10 to Loserville.”
"With ten remaining, it's anyone's guess who will win this week!" The camera now showed the cast trailers, with nobody in sight. "Will the Gaffers manage to win again?" the host asked as the shot moved to the team of five, loitering together beneath a tree.
"Or will the Grips even things out?" Chris asked next as the shot cut to the team of five, all sitting outside at a picnic table.
"It can happen!" Anne Maria said.
"Right," Chris said in a close-up before smiling at the camera. "See for yourself, next, on Total! Drama! Action!"
(Theme Song)
The episode properly opened on a scene of the morning sun, a lilting tune playing as the camera panned down and over to the cast trailers. The sound of snoring could be heard as the shot zoomed further in on the boys' trailer, and cut inside to show the boys all in the beds they'd picked at the start of the season, though Justin was in the middle of a facial while a fan was blowing on his nails.
An air horn was sounded loudly as the shot zoomed in on Chase, who woke up with a snap. The focus switched to Scott, who opened his eyes and rubbed them before Ripper sat up and yawned.
"I call dibs on the bathroom!" Chase said after he got out of bed, rushing to the door of the trailer. The scene cut to a close-up of the handle as he grabbed it and pulled to no effect, leading him to frown and try pulling with both hands, still with no results.
Chase then saw Justin still in bed. "Can you help with this?"
“This is day 12 of my manicure!” Justin replied. “To risk any more cuticle damage would be madness!”
"I'll open the door if you can't," Ripper told Chase as he stood next to him. “I have more muscle than all of you wimps.”
“By all means, go ahead and give it a try,” Scott encouraged insincerely.
Ripper grabbed the handle and pulled to the best of his ability, but the door remained closed. "I can't open it. We're trapped."
Confessional: Ripper
“I'm pretty much the strongest of my brothers," Ripper told the confessional camera. "In my school, I'd usually have to rip open lockers so I could either stuff somebody into it or take money. I'd usually get weeks of detention for that though."
Confessional Ends
“Why did they even trap us in here?” Chase complained as the scene cut back to the guys' trailer.
“They probably want us to fight each other to see who'll come out on top,” Scott theorized.
“We should find a way out instead of doing that,” Justin argued. “My hands have just been manicured.”
The camera cut back outside as the scene panned over to the girls' trailer, and the camera cut inside to show Millie jiggling the girls' door handle.
"I don't know how I ended up inside this trailer when I slept in a tree, but we have to open the door," Jasmine panicked as the scene panned over to her. Anne Maria and Sky were sitting on the lower bunk next to her.
“I'm pretty sure they snuck you in here while you were sleeping,” Anne Maria said. “And why are you so worked up about this?”
“I have claustrophobia, and I hate being in tight spaces,” Jasmine said.
Millie gave up pulling the handle. “This thing is jammed. I'm not able to get it open.”
"So we should try a different exit," MK walked past the bunks and pointed up at the ceiling. The other girls looked up as well and the camera followed their gazes, stopping on an emergency hatch.
"One of us should be able to squeeze through it," Sky noted and tilted her head down at MK.
“Uh, why are you staring at me?” MK asked gruffly.
Confessional: Sky
"I'm not happy to see Trent leave this early," Sky confessed. "He did do some questionable things in the past few challenges, but I thought he could get better after our talk. Regardless," she looked at the camera with determination, "I have to not let this affect my game now that I'm competing without him for the first time, and we are still together, unlike me and Keith."
Confessional Ends
"You should be the one to do it," Sky told her petite teammate. "You are the smallest one here."
MK furrowed her eyebrows. "I don't like being singled out because of my height, but for the sake of escaping this trailer, I'll excuse it." The techno looked back up at the hatch. "I will need a boost though."
"I'll help you get up there," Jasmine offered as she walked over to the girl. "My height will definitely come in handy."
The scene flashed back over to the guys, showing them looking up at the hatch.
"So obviously, we need someone to fit through the hatch and open our trailer," Scott deduced.
"Count me out," Ripper huffed. "I'm too heavy to fit through."
“I'd do it, but I would need more people to climb up through,” Justin said. “This would be a lot easier if Brick was here.”
“Speaking of which, where is Brick anyway?” Chase asked aloud.
The scene cut over to the craft services tent before flashing inside to Brick standing in the kitchen wearing a pot as a hat while Chef stood next to him in his drill sergeant uniform. "Okay maggot," Chef said. "I'm gonna ride you 'til your confidence coats the back of a spoon and your self-respect forms stiff peaks!" He showed the cadet his reflection in a cleaver and said, "No more War Child Brick. Watch and learn." He used a knife to cut a banana, a can, a bitten apple, and a boot into pieces.
"What is that?" Brick wondered.
"Taste perfection, boy," Chef poured the sliced items into a pot and served a spoonful to Brick, who cringed in disgust. "What you're tasting is pride, son. The most important virtue in a man's life. Now stir that pot!" the cook ordered before storming out.
"If Chef wants pride, then I'm going to give it my best effort," Brick talked to himself as he stirred. "What he gave me was an order, and I always follow orders."
The scene flashed back to the guys' trailer, cutting inside as Ripper placed himself in a fighting position with his arm folded and sticking out in front of him.
“Are you sure you want to do this, Ripper?” Justin asked in concern.
"Of course," Ripper said. "All I have to do is show that door who's boss by bursting through it!" Moments later, he charged across the room, yelling at the top of his lungs.
The door opened outside just before Ripper reached it, and unable to stop himself, he flew outside, past a smirking Chris wearing a police uniform, and landed next to the girls who had already gathered outside their own trailer.
"Hope you all enjoyed your first taste of the gulag," Chris said as he walked over to them, the other boys coming out of their trailer and joining the group.
"Gulag?" Anne Maria asked as Ripper stood up and dusted himself off. "What even is that? Food?"
“Gulag means prison, not food,” Sky pointed out.
"Correctamondo," Chris told her. "Because today," the camera quick-panned to a prison set with high walls rimmed with barbed wire and several wooden dummies in prison uniforms set up in a courtyard, "is Prison Flick day!"
The castmates groaned.
"Ah, prison," Chris continued. "The confinement, the claustrophobia!" he said, getting excited as he began to pace back and forth in front of the unimpressed contestants, a tense tune building up in the background. "The vile, nasty food! And you're always lookin' over your shoulder, 'cause Mr. Killer Dude wants to cut ya for takin' the last tater tot! And no matter how hard you try, digging out spoonfuls of dirt, year after year, there's no escape!"
"Unless you get voted off, of course!" he added plainly.
Confessional: Chase
“As if this place wasn't prison-like enough,” Chase muttered. “Now we have to actually live like criminals. It won't surprise me if in a year or two, Chris gets locked up for teenage abuse.”
Confessional Ends
"Lockdown, people," Chris said with a grin as the footage cut back to him in the interior of a prison lit by a handful of stage lights. "Let's get this challenge started!" The shot pulled back, revealing the teams standing across from each other next to tables filled with a variety of cooking dishes. A covered cart sat near the hot, and in the background were a pair of cages.
"Teams, take a prisoner from the competition," he told them in a close-up as footsteps were heard in the background, "and Chef,” Chef arrived on screen in his earlier outfit, "I mean Warden," the host corrected with a wink. "Lock 'em up."
The shot cut over to the Grips. "Okay," Justin whispered as the five huddled, "we have to pick the weakest member of the other team."
“We do have to weigh our options,” Millie said. “Chase once told me that he swallowed ten bugs into his mouth in under a minute as a dare, and Scott and Sky have strong stomachs as evident in the eating challenge from last season.”
“Ripper doesn't seem the type to chuck out what he eats, so we're picking MK,” Jasmine decided.
The shot cut over to the Gaffers' huddle. "Obviously, we need to pick Millie for this," Scott suggested. "She's less likely to handle gross food."
"I would say Jasmine since she's less likely to go through being locked up because of her claustrophobia," MK said, "but using someone's fear against them would make me look bad."
"Looks like we have a choice," Chase finished.
"Choices?" Chris announced suddenly. "Gaffers?"
"We choose Millie," Sky announced, causing the writer to groan.
"Grips?" Chris followed up, taking a few steps to the other team. "Now remember, this is an important choice. Whoever gets the upper hand here could win the whole challenge!"
"Because of that," Brick announced, "we're picking MK." The techno girl gulped.
"Today's first game is," Chris announced as he walked back over to the covered cart, "the Prison Chow-llenge!" A few deep notes played as he grabbed the cover and whipped it away, revealing the stinking, rotting, half eaten food lying beneath. "Each team of prison chefs whips up the foulest, nastiest, most barf-inducing slop this side of Alcatraz," he explained as the camera moved in for a close-up of the 'food', then cut to a cringing Brick and a again to a somewhat surprised-looking Anne Maria.
"Millie and MK have to stomach as much as they can," the host explained. "Last one to power-hurl wins!"
"Technically, this isn't an actual prison," Millie said as Chef herded her into the cage closest to the Grips. "If I was, I'd be protesting how unfair my “arrest” is."
"That's what some of them say," Chris told her with a smile as the door slammed shut and the camera pulled back, showing that MK had been locked up as well.
Confessional: Millie
"I'm not exactly hyped for this," Millie confessed uncertainly. "With the exception of the Brunch of Disgustingness, I'm not the kind to eat gross food, and I don't plan on doing so in the future, but since I've already been nominated, I might as well just suck it up."
Confessional Ends
The camera panned across the Grips' table, showing only a handful of dishes filled with unidentifiable mush. "This just keeps getting worse and worse!" Millie said as she looked at it in horror.
"The reward better be worth it," MK said from her cage.
"Have I ever let you down?" Chris asked before quickly adding "Wait! Scratch that!" He smiled before continuing. "Anyway, the winning team gets this!" He held up a golden shovel, which gleamed in the light.
"A shovel?" Millie asked skeptically. “Seriously?”
Confessional: Jasmine
"Given what I know about confinement cells, I think I know what the next part of the challenge will be," Jasmine told the confessional camera. "If it's digging, then we have to believe that Millie will pull through for us."
Confessional Ends
"Prisoners ready?" Chris called from between the two cages. "Aaaand, culinate!"
The host continued his rapid commentary as the Gaffers were shown making their first moves around a large bowl of something brown. "Ripper goes right for the roaches. Chase tops it off with some moldy pineapple slices and oh! Here come the horse lips!" The burly boy dropped his ingredient into the bowl and walked away while the daredevil stuffed the pineapples into the bowl and grabbed some horse lips in order to add them in.
Sky approached the table from the other side. “Where did you even get these things?” the athlete asked.
"I found some leftover pineapples from the beach party," Chase told her before they left the table.
“Gross, but effective,” Sky said.
Scott arrived with his wife beater taken off and in his hands. “This oughta be good,” he snickered as he twisted his cloth and squeezed out all the sweat into the bowl. After doing so, he put his wife beater back on his bare chest.
The camera cut over to the Grips as Justin took some dead hair out of his pockets and put them into his team's bowl. "Looks like Justin is sacrificing some of his dead hair," Chris commented as Jasmine stepped forward with a cheese grater and a moldy onion, "and Jasmine adds a topping of ripe onion." The Australian woman quickly grated the onion and walked away as Anne Maria walked up to the bowl.
"Remember," Brick whispered to the Jersey girl, "we're trying to make the food gross, not tasty."
"I know that, which is why I'm throwing out these expired lip gloss," Anne Maria said as she took out two sticks of lip gloss and put them in the bowl, followed by her using her spray can on it.
"Time's up!" Chris announced suddenly and with a grin. "And jailbirds, hope your appetites are primed!"
"Hope you're not feeling queasy today," Jasmine said with a smirk as she delivered her team's bowl of white-and-moldy 'food' over to MK.
"Here is what me and my team put together," Chase said as he walked past to take a bowl of something mostly brown to Millie. “Sorry if it grosses you out, babe.”
"This looks," Millie said before gulping, "uh, incredibly...not so bad..."
"Are you maggots ready?" Chris asked excitedly. The shot cut to a close-up of maggots squirming beneath the white mush, the camera zooming out to show a horrified MK. "One minute to down that chow! Aaaaanndd...Dig in!"
The hacker took a spoonful of prison food and forced it into her mouth, cringing and shuddering immediately.
Confessional: MK
"I don't even know how the contestants could go through the Brunch of Disgustingness without dying last season," MK admitted in the make-up trailer. "I clearly don't have the iron stomach for this challenge, even after eating Chef's grossening excuse for food for two seasons."
Confessional Ends
The footage cut back to Millie as she hesitantly plunged the first spoonful into her mouth. She swallowed it whole and moaned. "What did you even put in this? Anchovy paste?"
"Not gonna answer," Ripper snorted cruelly.
Millie took another spoonful, and after a pause, she opened her mouth and pulled out a moldy pineapple slice. She shuddered again and flung it away from her.
A quick-pan over to MK showed the short girl forcing her way through her own meal. "Don't think about it," she said with a disgusted grimace after a swallow. "Do not think about it!" She took another bite, shuddered, and swallowed.
Seeing her struggle, Scott quickly conducted a plan. "Wow, who knew Millie had such a strong stomach?" he said to his team. "Especially after I squeezed all of my sweat into the bowl!"
“What?!” Millie's eyes went wide as she dropped her bowl of food to the ground with an off-screen splat. She vomited moments later, in a stream that hit a stunned MK in the head.
"MK keeps it down for the Screaming Gaffers," Chris announced over a piece of triumphant music, "and wins the reward!"
The Gaffers cheered, Sky holding the golden shovel in her hand.
"Hey Chris, can I throw up now?" MK asked as Chris let her out.
"As long as you don't get any puke on my hair and below, go right ahead," Chris told her.
"Cool," MK said, holding her stomach as she walked out of her cage. The moment the host left, she turned around and grabbed the side of her former cell, and puked right into it.
"Are you gonna be alright?" Sky asked as she and Scott walked over to her.
"Yeah," MK said after she turned around. "I was just waiting for Millie to puke her guts out."
"And because of me, she did it much faster," Scott gloated. “My sweat came through for us.
“You didn't need to say it out loud,” Sky told her teammate. “That was sort of cheating.”
"You say cheating, we say getting an advantage," MK said before getting queasy again. "Now can you excuse me for a sec?" Without waiting for a response, she turned back around and puked again.
The camera cut to Chef on another part of the set. "Sir, we may not have won," Brick said as he ran over to the cook, "but I can take pride in the fact that we created a meal that even you wouldn't eat."
"You've still got more to learn!" Chef shouted.
“Pardon?” Brick grew confused.
“Pride and two bucks will get you a cup of coffee!” Chef said. “What a man really needs is loyalty, and you clearly came through for your team. If it wasn't for the sweat thing, you would've won!”
“Thank you?” Brick said confusingly.
Chef placed a hand on his shoulder. “I was once like you. Young, weird, kinda ugly. But you've got a gift. Now own it. Don't let it go to waste. Like I did,” he sniffled and returned to his gruff state. “Meet me in the kitchen after the challenge. You're on permanent KP duty, soldier,” he said as he left.
Confessional: Brick
“I had no idea Chef could show empathy towards me, and though I don't like going against my morals by doing this secret alliance, that was the highlight,” Brick said with a smile.
Confessional Ends
(Commercial Break)

Just to preface, I am in therapy but the day to day is so grueling that 50 minutes of chatting per week isn't enough for me rn. I know this shit takes time and I'll probably look back at this and cringe. I guess I have a history of crummy relationships where I try to fix it all when it starts going south, spent a while alone figuring out my patterns then met my ex. We had a lowkey amazing 2 years together; I've never been understood and understanding of someone else like that before. I never saw a true chance of a future with someone. It was going great, wanted to move to another state, looked around Zillow together for a while then signed the lease together. he changed his mind in the midst of our drive to the new place. I knew I'd regret not full sending, so I took on the lease alone knowing I might be breaking us up - he said he wanted to get his stuff together and meet me here when his lease is up, any time we saw each other he said he'd be here beside me soon. Well - he told me a week ago he isn't in a position to move (I get it) and that he loves me, but he hates his life situation and just doesn't want to move right now; I literally have not heard from him since. I tried to be understanding and took time to come up with an "I can't imagine feeling the way you do, I'm here for you, what do you think this means for us?" Type message. I'd just visited him a couple months ago and he said I'm his person, he never wanted to break up; I hope yall trust I gave him every opportunity to open up the past few months about any doubts or worries he had, he eventually distanced himself out of my life completely, he's isolating from all of his friends too. My therapist says he's ashamed of his position in life (he says he hates himself etc etc and I know I can't fix that even tho I lowkey think I could bc his family has told him for years he isn't good enough and stuff I'm sure he's internalized) ANYWAY I guess context doesn't matter because he won't talk to me now 😀 so not only am I mourning the loss of the good 2 years, (I really thought he was 'the one' which makes me feel so silly and dumb in todays society but fml), but I have to start settling into a new TOWN and STATE and apartment I thought I'd be sharing with him. It's so scary to imagine finding a new group of friends and stuff alone. I know I'm strong and did it all despite the struggle and all the shit I should tell myself to boost myself up, my therapist said I need to "let myself be a 22 year old going through a break up," and not rush my process - but I don't even know how to process this. I know he's on his own journey, I can't dwell on whether he's struggling or finding other people to replace the idea of me, (I know I shouldn't check or care but he's using social media he'd never used when we were together like Snapchat and our mutual friends say he has a habit of sabotaging things when they get good - kinda implying if he did find someone else it wouldn't end any better for him but that doesn't comfort me at all lmao) I have to figure my shit out. I want to cry in a ball all the time but also bash on myself for staying in bed and not being "productive," whatever that means. I normally stand my ground and speak my mind, but when I get into a lovergirl relationship it seems like all hope for me goes out the window. It feels so hard to find someone who accepts all of the weird shit I have to offer, I guess I'm scared I won't find that again but I'm more so just so sad that it wasn't him
If you read this far, you're so real for that thank u. I'm just sad asf trying not to resent him or myself for being 13 hours away from my friends and family. Why would he move me out here and then dump me :/ I tried so hard to be the best; it scares me too in the future I could meet someone and it be better, then end up the same way. I just want to find someone to figure it all out with. I thought I did. It was so good before I moved, and I'll never know what we could've done together if he took the chance. I can't imagine he would initially sign the lease if he never wanted to but maybe I was really misunderstanding the whole time. I guess as a "see a problem fix it" type, I just can't grasp avoidance

Hi! I'm pretty terrified on making things worse and indecision will definitely do that in this case. My divorce just went through and I'm looking at almost 100k in TSP from my ex's retirement fund. I have dyscalculia and my ex was mostly responsible for paying the bills and managing "wealth". I was mostly a stay-at-home mom, so I wasn't really able to make my own money or manage a career. It's a long story, so I'll try to leave you with just facts and issues I'm hoping to resolve.
* I have 96K, pre-tax, in a TSP account that needs to be reinvested somewhere by the end of this month, otherwise it'll be sent to me in cash (with taxes taken out already, I believe). I might be able to take out 10k in hardship, but I'm not sure what qualifies as hardship.
* I was injured pretty badly at my job about a year ago and after a year of fighting with work comp to get the treatments I need, I had to resort to getting a lawyer. I won 15K recently that I should see within 30 days (minus 15% for the lawyer), but that was only backpay since I had to go to part-time from full-time. The other half of of the lawsuit is still going and they're trying to settle before trial. My dr. informed me yesterday that my injury is pretty permanent, an impingement stenosis of the L5S1. Treatments will help, but I will likely be in pain for the rest of my life. It has changed my life significantly as I did jui jitsu, rollerskating, gymnastics, etc. before getting hurt. It has been 17 months since I got hurt and I'm not able to go back to those yet.
* I make about $2000 a month at my job, which I will be fired from immediately following settling or winning my case. This should be happening in the next few months. I don't want to work in hospitality anmore, at least not in restaurants.
* I don't have a car. I'm taking ubers and lyfts to work mostly. It ends up being around $500 a month, but to get to work is an 8 min drive vs. a 45-60 min bus to tram with a 15 min walk on a bad hip. I haven't been able to afford a because of the cut hours / not knowing how to manage money well.
* I have a 10K debt in collection. It was my first credit card in my own name and I let my first post-separation boyfriend talk me into giving him money, fund "our' business, pay all the rent and bills for a year+ during covid for 3 people. It was supposed to be an investment in our new life and new business. He is a dangerous person and I hope he pays me back someday, but we'll see. He is paying me on an official 20K loan every month at about $388 a month.
* I have about $1450 in monthly support.
* If I get the treatments I need, I might be able to have a physically laborious job, but I won't know for sure until I get them. PRP and stem cell therapy is very expensive. I would like to go to school to be a hair dresser or a nurse, but that's physically demanding. I have various interests, but I'm looking for a career that I might be able to do at home. Nurse seems out of the ballpark for me, but I loved doing CNA work years ago. Medicine and care have always interested me. I'm forty but I look 28-32, I'm described as attractive, thin and curvy (slim-thick) so a public-facing job wouldn't be out of the question. I don't have a limp or anything visual disabilities from the injury; I'm just in pain all the time. I pick things up quickly and I'm creative in various ways.
* I grew up in the Netherlands, but lost my citizenship a few years ago. I could move back if that would be beneficial somehow. Getting my citizenship back would take about 6 months and about 3k, last I checked.
* No health insurance.
What do I do with the 96k? What should I pay off the debt collection in full or try to settle? Or, buy a car first? I would love to feel like I can have a fresh start, but it's overwhelming. What would you do in my situation? I need advice. I'll do my best to answer any clarifying questions. TIA!
*Edit: I should add that my income is about $3,838. My rent and utilities add up up to about $830. Cellphone is $154 but IDK why so I need to handle that. Food is around $500 but I'm cutting down on that. Layaway trip: $147. $64 in subscriptions. I give my roommates about $50 a month in gas, too. That's about $2500 in expenses. I can break it down more, if needed.

Chapter CC
​
Trout's Landing.
​
Ruby stretched with a contented sigh. She turned her head over to where Jeb slept beside her. Or where he was when she fell asleep. She sat up and looked around the dark underground room but he wasn't here either.
"Wonder where he went."
​
Oh well, she thought as she stretched a few stiff muscles before hopping up and collecting their eggs. As nice as it was to sleep with them, they needed more consistent warmth. So she sat them to the side, bundled up in the still warm blanket, and departed to secure a source of fire for their eggs.
​
Which wasn't all that hard, she realized as her dark vision faded as the blue glow from the torches up ahead illuminated the main gathering area for the burrows. She smiled as she saw the tribe return to something familiar that she missed seeing for a while.
​
Several tunnels branched off towards the other cabins and already kobolds came and went from them as they began to migrate away from the chill air above for the, still cool but more comfortable, air below. As they did she could see the collections they brought back and forth. Animals, alive and dressed, were being moved down here and out of the elements for better care. As well as an easier time keeping the ever gluttonous salamanders from sneaking another meal. Scraps and salvage collected from around the lodge or while out exploring being brought down and being traded or even used to furnish the space.
​
Bits of wood with simple carvings were lodged into the dirt along side scraps of metal or rock with soot, mud, or crushed flower pigment to paint symbols or words on them for decoration or directions. While it wasn't the bustling forum that they once had, it gladdened her to see her tribe returning to normalcy once again.
​
She shook away the distracting thoughts and set her sights on some scrap of wood nearby. She darted over to the vendor, deftly avoiding a section of the ground being dug up as the kobolds dug ever deeper as they sought to expand their burrows ever more. It was in their nature to dig and burrow. While they no longer had a draconic master to excavate massive caverns and tunnels for, she wouldn't be surprised if kobold tunnels ended up expanding far past the border of the lodge itself and going far into the wild where they knew nothing about save for what little Jeb has told them.
​
Eventually, even this gathering area will be abandoned as the tribe moved deeper down, putting as much dirt and rock between them and whatever threats laid above. The only thing that would remain would be an assortment of traps to keep any invaders wary of going deeper than the kobolds wanted. Even then, many of the tunnels that would lead deeper would be dead-ends meant to slow or hinder any invader. Some would even be traps in and of themselves, collapsing the "tunnel" on top of even the most cautious of invader or even just blocking their escape and leaving them to die before the kobolds eventually dug out their remains and collected their gear with no trouble.
​
She stood before the assortment of wood and looked over the scrap. Some of it was processed lumber that looked to be from the buildings above, most was collected bits of wood from the forest though. Which was fine, she didn't need anything too big. No bartering took place. She was a leader of the tribe and it was assumed whatever she wanted was for the good of the tribe.
​
Even starting a warming fire for her eggs was good enough for the tribe to skip bartering and simply give her what she needed. So she collected enough wood for a nice fire and returned to her home. She sorted it into the indent in the ground that Jeb had placed their eggs in before. It would be a good place to start a heating fire for them, she thought as she finished arranging them.
​
She left and collected some tinder made of dried moss and grass before looking around for some stone or flint to start the fire with. But no such luck. All the stone was deeply imbedded in the dirt or was too large. She once more returned to the gathering area in search of fire. Which she quickly found in the form of the glowing blue fire that Jeb had created for the kobolds.
​
She shuffled a little as she stared at the dancing flame. She knew Jeb didn't like the idea of the kobolds using the blue fire. He probably wouldn't like the idea of heating their eggs with it either. She should be worried as well, she thought. But she wasn't. Staring at the flame reminded her of the vision that The Crone showed her. Of her and Jeb within a ring of flaming blue orbs. They were happy. The tribe was happy.
​
"He'll understand." She said as she darted and collected a piece of wood to transfer a spark from a nearby torch.
​
Ember in hand, she rushed back to her home. She gently eased the flame towards the bundle of wood. She yipped in shock when the flame leapt from her temporary torch and engulfed the pile! Their room burst into dancing shadows as the flames danced from their new home. So pretty, she thought as she stared at the fire. She had seen it when she would come out of their room in the old building for a break. But it seemed so mesmerizing now that it was right in front of her.
​
She widened the indent in the ground a little so that the eggs could receive the warmth from the fire without being too close. They might be mildly resistant to fire, but not enough to throw their eggs in a fire! Then again, she thought with worry as she held her claw out at the fire. The warmth from it isn't as strong as a normal fire it seemed. Like it was contained.
​
She clicked her claws in worry. She didn't want to push them too close, but they wouldn't get enough heat if they remained where they were. It would only get worse as it got colder and the cold seeped into the ground. Maybe just a little closer, she thought as she nudged the eggs closer to the fire.
​
The flames sputtered at the movement of air, but nothing more. She held out her claw to gauge the temperature once again. But it still wasn't enough, she thought as she clicked her claws against a nearby stone in thought. She cast a glance towards the tunnel. She could maybe see if one of the others have something to make a proper fire, she thought.
​
She put a claw on the eggs.
"No. That'll take too long."
​
She looked worryingly at the tunnel as if Jeb would appear and lambast her for even thinking what she was. She held her breath and pushed the eggs forwards. Then more. Then even more. The flames sputtered and danced as the eggs were pushed closer and closer. She could only just feel the heat as she did so. Why did the fire seem so weak, she thought as she pushed the eggs right up beside the bundle of burning wood.
​
Yet the fire seemed to move around the eggs, like they were doing their best to avoid touching them. Even the heat from the fire seemed to be avoiding them! Ruby growled in frustration and pushed the eggs right into the fire!
"Can you just keep them warm?!"
​
The fire stilled and froze as the eggs were pushed into it. As if it didn't know what to do. Then the flame roared to life once again. The balefire caressed the onyx shells as it seemed to dance across the smooth black surface of the shells. As if a barrier broke, the heat from the flame radiated outwards now. Ruby could now feel the warmth from the fire where seconds ago she felt nothing.
​
Ruby blinked at the eldritch flame and moved her claw to touch her eggs. She instinctively pulled back as a tongue of balefire arced in her direction. She whined in worry at possibly making a terrible mistake. She held her breath and once more reached out to caress her eggs. She bit her tongue and shut her eyes when the fire arced towards her once more.
​
But she didn't feel pain. No burning sensation one would get when normally sticking an appendage into a roaring fire. Instead she felt a comforting warmth. Like she felt when close to Jeb as they slept together. She cracked open an eye and found the baleful flame caressing her claw. She experimented a little by pulling her claw back, feeling as the flame seemed to latch on like it didn't want her to leave, before snapping back to its "body". She pushed her claw into the fire, further this time, all the way up to her elbow. The fire latched onto her once again and flooded her with a comforting warmth that shot straight to her core!
​
She turned her claw upwards and pulled back once more. She watched as the flame held on as she did so, once more refusing to leave her scales. She watched as the flame snapped once again, but this time, it broke! Instead of snapping back towards its body, she now held a burning ball of balefire in her claw!
​
She couldn't do magic. There were few of the tribe that could before they fled to this world. The Chief was the last among them that had any ability to harness it. Yet here she was, holding a magical fire within her claw! She watched as the flame danced and twisted in her grasp. She sucked in a breath when she watched it start to diffuse INTO her scales! The flame lessened and lessened as if it were dying, but instead the fire seeped between the cracks of her scales. She could feel it racing through her body, flooding it once more with a wave of comforting warmth.
​
"Den Mother?" A voice asked from the tunnel nearby.
​
Ruby yelped in surprise and turned towards the voice. She saw the Chief standing there watching her with a curious and amazed expression on his snout.
"Having fun?"
​
"Chief!? I was-"
​
"Playing with fire?" The Chief asked playfully as he stared at the blue fire.
​
She shuffled nervously as he did so. Eventually he chuckled and she began to relax.
"It's alright Den Mother. You're not the only one that Master Jeb's flame as entranced among the tribe."
​
"Why do you think it acts so different from normal fire?" She asked.
​
The Chief shrugged.
"Who knows. Perhaps it is how magic works in this world. Perhaps it is something on Master Jeb's part. Perhaps it is because our former- Kortaza, was the Keeper of Flame."
​
"But we never had much protection from fire before. And not any way to manipulate it." Ruby said.
​
The Chief sighed.
"True. I truly do not know why it is so different than normal fire. Fire is alive, yes. But this one seems almost..."
​
"Living?" Ruby suggested.
​
"Yes. Like it has a mind of its own. Though I doubt that much, perhaps it merely follows the will of Master Jeb, knowingly or not on his part." The Chief continued as he walked closer and sat down beside Ruby and watched the eggs glimmer and shine within the fire where they remained quiet for some peaceful moments.
​
The Chief then perked up.
"Oh! Master Jeb returned!"
​
"He did?! Where is he?" Ruby asked and looked around expecting to see him coming down the tunnel.
​
"Well, he did return. Rushed around and collected an assortment of food, and then he vanished away again. Something about a trade?" The Chief explained a little unsure.
​
She frowned, wonder what he was trading, she thought. Though, with the eggs now taken care of, and Jeb away for a moment. Perhaps now was the time she could see about doing something special for him. She turned to the Chief, he was more knowledgeable when it came to humans and their customs.
​
"Chief?" She asked.
​
"Yes? What is it?" He asked at the tone of her voice.
​
"What do you know of this world's humans?"
​
"Oh? What would you like to know?" He asked a little excited in being able to use his collected knowledge.
​
"What do humans do with those they care about?" She asked a little uncertainly.
​
The Chief hummed in thought and tapped his claws.
"It depends. Humans are as diverse in this world as ours. Many customs I've read about belong to different groups."
​
"What about the tribe that Jeb belongs to?"
​
The Chief hummed once more in thought and got up before darting away while calling back.
"I will check! I'm sure I have something!"
​
While she waited, she continued to play with fire and tend to her eggs. Since they were in the flame, they didn't need quite so studious attention as they did before. She could probably just leave them and go tend to her normal duties and not have to worry about them anymore.
​
Who was she fooling, she thought. Even if there was a way to hatch and tend to the eggs completely without her, she'd still want to look after them. She thought she heard Jeb mentioning something about an "electrical egg incubator" once upon a time. Whatever that was.
​
The Chief returned, huffing from being out of breath and holding a thickly bound tome with pages of different sizes and colors poking out of the patched bindings. He placed the heavy tome on the ground with a huff.
"This is my collection of this world's customs and knowledge. If there is something that will assist you it will be in here somewhere!"
​
Ruby oohed and awed as the Chief flipped open the tome and leafed through page after page of information. Some were pages from magazines, others were snippets and clippings from books, there was a few pages that contained pressed cuttings of local flora as well as a collection of small animal bones among the bindings.
​
They stopped on a page that read MODERN COURTING FOR THE MODERN WOMAN in bold letters on a page that felt smooth to the touch. On the cover was a gorgeous human woman wearing a sleek beautiful dress and jewelry. Ruby pointed towards the page.
"Oh this one!"
​
They thumbed through the pages looking for information. Most neither one of them got as it talked about stuff like make-up, libido, popular fashion, and other things that they didn't either understand or see the appeal of. Then they found a page that described how a modern woman should act. Though this seemed to confuse the both of them even more.
​
"Be 'dem-or' and assertive? What does 'dem-or' mean?" Ruby asked the Chief.
​
"I'm not sure. There are many words within that don't seem to fit." He explained.
​
A pattern they soon found to be common among the pages of information, much of the words would make sense but spread out among them were these spots of words that seemed just out of place. What they COULD understand still didn't make any sense either.
​
"Be soft yet firm? How does that work?" The Chief asked.
​
"If you like a potential mate why make him keep trying to win your heart?" Ruby asked equally confused.
​
"Modern" humans were just as confusing to them it seemed. However, among the pages of contradictory information, they were able to get SOMETHING of value! Humans like gifts. Though they both knew that and didn't really feel like these pages of "modern courting" did anything more than confuse them.
​
"What kind of gifts?" The Chief asked as he and Ruby tried to decipher the mess of flowery wording and nonsense.
​
"Jewelry, clothes, food." Ruby read off as they got the general gist of the overly convoluted wording. The pictures helped more though.
​
"Well! At least we found something... I think?" The Chief declared at least with a little uncertainty.
​
"Why did you collect all this?" Ruby asked.
​
"It was in a book, so I thought it was important. But it would seem that not everything in this world's books are worth keeping." The Chief stated before retrieving the tome and departing.
​
"Where are you going?"
​
"To go through my collection. It would seem that some of it is not as important as I first thought." He called out as he left.
​
She could hear him mumbling to himself and heard the occasional tearing as he did. Well, at least they found something, she thought as she turned towards the eggs once more. She placed a claw on the onyx shells and felt the comforting warmth of the fire as well as the warmth of the eggs. They'll be fine for now, she thought as she got up and left.
​
"Jewelry, clothes, and food." Ruby murmured as she went down the tunnel once again.
​
He was getting low on clothes, she thought. But there wasn't much around here to make some with. Though perhaps some animal hides would work? But much of what they've collected was too small for clothes of Jeb's size. Getting him food seemed redundant too. He could make his own food whenever he wished. Which left jewelry.
​
It was the better of the options, but they didn't have much in the way of jewelry either. No raids means no loot and the piles of treasure back in their former home wasn't exactly a priority at the time of their exodus. But then she spied the copper wire the kobolds had collected while scavenging. A copper band would be nice, she thought as she was given the piece of wiring from the scavenger.
​
But what else, she thought as she looked around some more. The pictures in the magazine showed jewelry that glittered with gold and diamonds and so much more that they no longer had. Nothing around here could compare, she thought dejectedly. But then she saw a group of kobolds coming down a tunnel with a collection of shells and waterlogged timber.
​
"What is this?" She asked them.
​
"Salvage from the camps up river." The kobold replied as he and the others began to sift and sort the mess.
​
She watched as they distributed everything they collected to the tribe that came over. Some took the waterlogged wood, others took polished stones, and others took the collection of shells. She eyed the shells. Back home, alot of the fishfolk in the rivers and around the sea collected pearls from the water. Perhaps the ones upriver also had some?
​
She followed after the group of kobolds that had collected the shells and assisted them in opening a few. Mussels were what was mainly here, no surprise though since it seemed they were far from this world's ocean. What was a surprise was how many pearls they actually managed to find among the mussels!
​
It was rare for the kobolds to find one during their fishing trips by the sea. Even among the rivers pearls were not much more common. So it surprised them that several mussels had multiple pearls within them! She was going to actually barter for potentially the single one they found, but with there being so many the shuckers didn't mind at all and gave Ruby a small handful for her project.
​
They weren't all that big, but that was fine by her. They'd do for what she had in mind. She borrowed a small thin metal needle from a scavenger and retreated back to her room. Copper wire and freshwater pearls in claw.
​
-----
​
Well, that's taken care of, Jeb thought as he appeared in the open air of the lodge. He flicked the gold and garnet band into the air and got it with a spring in his step and a tune on his lips as he made his way over to the Trap Master who stood near the river where he received reports from the salvagers.
​
"How's things?" He asked when he got close.
​
"Good. Strange. But good." The Trap Master stated as he dismissed the salvagers.
​
"How so?"
​
"The 'murlocs' you called them? Haven't returned to their former homes." He explained.
​
"And? Wasn't that kinda the point?"
​
"It was. But there isn't any sign of anything else other than birds flocking to the area."
​
"Again, wasn't that the point?"
​
"Only if something worse didn't move in." The Trap Master explained further.
​
Jeb groaned.
"What moved in?"
​
"Nothing."
​
"Nothin'?"
​
"That we can see. No new tracks, no scents, nothing."
​
"So what's the problem?"
​
"The problem is that much carrion should've drawn every scavenger and hungry animal for miles."
​
"But it hasn't." Jeb finished.
​
"No. The birds infest the area but largely leave us alone. Though some get a little territorial over their spots of carrion. But nothing else has moved into the area."
​
Jeb groaned again.
"So what do you wanna do?"
​
"Nothing."
​
"Really?" Jeb asked in surprise.
​
"Yes. If the other animals and creatures nearby are giving the place a wide berth then we'll exploit it as long as we can. We'll send some scouts to keep an eye on the place though."
​
"Perhaps the smell of death is what's doin' it?" Jeb suggested.
​
"Maybe. Would explain the large number of birds. But nothing else?"
​
"Yeah, you're right. Well let me know if you need help with it." Jeb said.
​
"Will do."
​
"Oh! Before I forget, I made a trade agreement with the dwarves."
​
The Trap Master cocked a scaled brow.
"Oh?"
​
"Yeah. Food for tools. We'll need to set aside five crates twice a week, but we'll get some decent tools to help speed up excavation." Jeb explained.
​
The Trap Master tapped his claws against his scales in thought.
"That's doable."
​
"You sure? Cuz I'm more than happy to do it all myself." Jeb said and conjured an apple to make his point.
​
"No. The tools are for us, we should assist. Besides, we gathered more for our former master. Five crates twice a week will be easy enough to do." The Trap Master stated in a relaxed tone.
​
"Alright, if you're certain." Jeb said.
​
"I am. We'll let you know if anything changes." The Trap Master replied.
​
"Alright, have it your way." Jeb returned and departed while tossing the conjured apple towards the lazing salamanders nearby.
​
Jeb ported down to the main gathering area. The place was just as busy as when he left as the kobolds went about their duties and tasks with vigor and joy that he's only really seen when they were staying in his basement. Guess he was the one living in their basement now, he thought with a chuckle.
​
He played with the gold and garnet band as he shuffled nervously. Wasn't sure why he was so nervous, he thought. She already had his kids, kinda, sorta. They were already living together. This would just be the natural progression of things. Kinda, sorta. He heaved in a big gulp of air to steady his nerves.
​
"Alright. Quite procrastinatin' Jeb." He muttered to himself and started down the tunnel towards his home.
​
He stopped when his boot stepped on something different. He looked down and picked up a magazine page.
"Modern courtin' for the modern woman? Where the hell did this come from?"
​
Probably Sammy's, Jeb thought as he tossed aside the girly garbage. Not sure what it was doing out here though. Maybe she brought it for Thanksgiving and forgot it? Or maybe the kobolds swiped it when they raided her hairspray? Or maybe she just left it among his other articles one of the times she and his pa would go over to his place.
​
"Oh well." He said as he continued on.
​
He could hear humming as he got closer, and saw a familiar pale blue light. He walked into his room and saw Ruby humming as she tinkered with something. Nearby was their eggs, sitting in the balefire. He should've panicked. He should've dropped everything and ran over trying to save his kids. That's what a father would do right?
​
But he didn't have that gut wrenching feeling of seeing your kids in danger he thought he would. Still, he walked over beside Ruby. She yelped in surprise and fumbled with what she was working on as Jeb reached out a hand and touched their onyx colored eggs.
​
"Jeb?! I was- They were-" Ruby tried to explain while also trying to gather her things.
​
"It's alright." Jeb said.
​
"It is?" She asked with concern.
​
"Yeah. They're not hot." He said as he stroked the shells through the fire that did nothing to him.
​
"Are you sure?" She asked with worry and concern.
​
"Yeah. Doubt it'll do anythin' more to 'em." Jeb said with a bit more bitterness in his voice than he wanted there to be.
​
He saw Ruby's face fall at his words. Nice job dickhead, Jeb thought to himself. He sighed and turned towards Ruby.
"I'm sorry. I'm just nervous 'bout everythin' happenin'."
​
"I'm nervous too." She stated and leaned into him for a hug, which he eagerly returned.
​
They held each other for a long moment before Ruby perked up and scrambled away.
"Hold on! Don't look!"
​
"Look at what?" Jeb asked with a cocked brow as he did his best to hide his own gift.
​
"I said don't look!" She chided.
​
"Alright!" He said with a laugh.
​
He turned away as he heard her grumbling and fumbling with whatever she was working on when he walked in on her. While he waited, he stretched out his hand and caressed their eggs. Please don't get any weirder, he pleaded mentally while he waited.
​
"Ok! You can look now!" Ruby called at last.
​
Jeb turned back around and saw Ruby holding a ring towards him. It was some braided copper wire with a couple of small pearls threaded on. She held it up to him.
"What do you think?"
​
Wait, was this a gift or was she asking him to marry her, Jeb thought. He had to say something though, the look of confusion on his face was making Ruby sad.
"I love it! What's it for exactly?"
​
"Well, I'm courting you!" She said as Jeb accepted the copper and pearl braided band.
​
"Courtin' me? What does that-" Jeb started when he noticed a rustle from his left boot.
​
He looked down and pulled off a piece of paper that had stuck to it. MODERN COURTING FOR THE MODERN WOMAN, it said in bold on the paper. He turned it around towards Ruby.
"Did you read this?"
​
She shuffled.
"Yes? I wasn't sure how you court a human in this world! But the words were confusing and didn't make any sense and- why are you laughing?"
​
"I'm laughin' because this is trash! None of the stuff in here is how you should court someone!" Jeb said with a laugh.
​
"But it says-" Ruby started when Jeb tossed the magazine paper into the nearby fire, which ate it instantly.
​
"It's just somethin' that girls read to pass the time. Nothin' in there is worth the paper it's printed on." Jeb declared.
​
"Oh. So?" Ruby asked dejectedly as she gestured to the ring she made for Jeb.
​
"This is just fine. Though do you know what it means to get a ring for someone?" Jeb asked.
​
"That they love one another?" Ruby said a little unsure now.
​
"Yeah. I guess it does. But the act of givin' someone you love a ring is a symbol that you want to be together." Jeb explained and produced his own gift for Ruby.
​
Her eyes went wide as she grasped the gold and garnet band.
"But we're already together."
​
"Yeah. We are."
​
"So what does the rings mean?" Ruby asked as she examined the band.
​
"Well, it's more religious really."
​
"Oh?"
​
"Yeah. It's supposed to mean... somethin'." Jeb started as he realized he didn't entirely recall what the meaning of the ring was supposed to mean.
​
"Mean what?" Ruby pressed as she tried to fit the band on her arm and then her tail.
​
"Well. It generally means being together forever."
​
"But why the ring?"
​
"It means a sort of exclusivity for folk." Jeb explained.
​
"Why? What about the rest of the tribe? Does that mean you won't help them?" She asked.
​
"No! I can, or will, or... this is harder than I thought it'd be." Jeb said with a sigh.
​
Ruby cocked a brow as well.
"So what happens?"
​
"Well, we exchange rings and promise to love one another forever. In sickness and health and yada yada. Then we're husband and wife." Jeb explained.
​
"Why? We're already mates and we love one another. What does our health have to do with it? And what is a 'husband and wife'?"
​
"Well... You know what? Forget it. Do you promise to love me?"
​
"Yes! Do you?"
​
"Yup!"
​
"Yay!" Ruby cried and hugged Jeb.
​
"And I now pronounce you man and wife." Jeb muttered as he kissed Ruby.
​
Ruby giggled and pulled away.
"So what happens now?"
​
"Now... I don't know. Usually there would also be paper work, but given... us, it prob'bly wouldn't matter."
​
"So what changes?" Ruby asked as she affixed the gold and garnet band to one of her horns with a smile.
​
"Uhm... nothin'? We're already together, we already live together, we already have kids... kinda." Jeb listed off.
​
"So what's the rings supposed to mean?"
​
"It means... I love you." Jeb replied at last, giving up on trying to explain something he himself wasn't entirely informed of.
​
"I love you too!" Ruby cried and kissed him.
​
He returned the kiss. Not like this would've been an official wedding anyway, Jeb thought. They don't exactly have a licensed priest to officiate it. Or witnesses. He doubt their still shelled eggs would count. He could ask the Chief to oversee it. But he already got a headache trying to explain marriage to Ruby, he didn't really want to explain it to the Chief, or any other kobolds that might be interested.
​
Not like it made anything different, Jeb thought. Ruby was right. They loved one another. They lived together. They had kids together. For all intense and purpose, they were mates. Sure if he was particularly religious he could insist on going to a church and doing things official. But given how things have turned out for them lately, he wouldn't be surprised if he burst into flames stepping inside a church.
​
Well, there was ONE tradition that they could still do, Jeb thought with a smirk as he picked up Ruby bridal style.
"Wanna consummate our marriage?"
​
"What does that mean?" She asked.
​
"Don't worry. You'll like it." Jeb said as he led her over to their moss bed.
​
[First] [Prev] [Next]

I (21F) have been talking to this dude (22m) since March. During that time, we initially had around one or two hangouts weekly just trying to get to know each other. Whenever we hanged out, we tended to lose track of the time because we enjoyed talking and just getting to know one another. Time just flew by and by the time we checked the time, hours have passed.
At some point, the hangouts became more regular casual study sessions where we would just be next to each other studying (sometimes they turned into regular conversational hangouts and no study done but for the most part, we studied like we intended). He would ask what I was up to and I would let him know I was studying at the university library. He would join me after his class ended and we would be there until closing hours.
Then things got more intimate than intended one day (in the moment, it was consensual for both parties) and the next morning he messaged me saying he wanted to talk. He stated that he thought I was a cool person but he had this irrational thought about the night leading to pregnancy and how it made him paranoid. We never did penetration or anything that could result in it aside from casual touching. I told him the thought also crossed my mind and that I understood where he was coming from and it made me uneasy as well. Ever since, things felt off. We talked about why he felt that way and we concluded that that night was an outlier and won't happen again. We also discussed how his paranoia might stem from the fact that he and I did not know each other that well, and that if things were ever to lead to such consequences, he wouldn't feel comfortable with it. Essentially, we were moving too fast, something that I had agreed on. This talk also lead to labels--we decided that we were just friends with an interest in one another seeing if we had potential, which worked good because he and I were both inexperienced and this was all new to us so I had figured that would be a good pace for the both of us. A pacing where we would figure it out in time and we were just testing the waters. We also made it clear that I was more attracted to him than he was to me.
A few weeks past and we continued our study session leading up to graduation. Things were normal. Then we graduated.
We went to go watch a movie. He revealed to me the paranoia came back two times. He dreamed about it two times and would feel paranoid about it. I tried to help relieve the anxiety if I could. I reassured him that if something were to happen, I would tell him and get an abortion. And that I'm also updating him on when my next period comes. I also told him I got my period a week after that night. I was debating if I should just go on birth control to calm his nerves but idk, he and I aren't even in a relationship and my hormones and period are pretty stable. Meanwhile I'm also trying to think about why he feels this way. I end up going back to the fact that he is not interested in me. And that he feels forced to be in this situation. And that he's forcing himself to try and be attracted to me. That this is his subconsciousness screaming at him that he needs to get out of this situation. But when I ask him if this is the case, he says he's attracted to me, just not sure if he into me to the point where he thinks he can take it further. I understood where he was coming from. Because it was similar for me. It's been barely over two months. I still needed to get to know this guy. But at the very least, I knew I liked him and was willing to explore where this could lead to. He was still on the fence.
I ended up staying at his apartment the next weekend since he invited me. And my god, things were awkward. Perhaps we were both stressed and tired. He had a cert exam that he had been grinding on the past few weeks. He took it the morning of the sleepover and he passed!!! As for me, I was anxious with graduation and felt like I was behind on life since I was essentially jobless after graduation and just lost with what to do with myself. During the sleepover, it mainly consisted of us resting--laying on his couch and sleeping on the bed. When we tried playing board/card games, there was an awkward feeling in the air. Conversations didn't flow and died off awkwardly. I could feel that something was off about him too because something was amiss about him and his behavior. Just earlier the week leading up to the sleepover, we felt chill. We hanged out and were also in a call just vibing. But when the sleepover occurred, something was off. We ended up just sleeping from early Saturday evening to Sunday morning. I took a shower and left with a simple bye.
Then we met the next day because we had a dinner and movie planned. The awkwardness from the weekend still lingered. I couldn't fully be in the moment because it was bugging me how he felt off. When he dropped me off, I texted him I wanted to talk. We ended up in a call. I told him I was feeling off because of the weekend and that it was making me overthink and that it would be best if we stopped the physical intimacy. He said he was confused and that the way our conversations sometimes died off awkwardly made him unsure. We would have moments were we would hit it off really well, and others, the conversations just awkwardly died off. We both stated that perhaps it was a sign of incompatibility. He thought I was a cool person but that was it. I knew that I liked him somewhat, that I came into this with the mindset that this was something I wanted to try out and see how it played out. I guess he was just going with the flow. We settled on just being friends.
The next morning, I had a nagging feeling in my chest. I texted him if we could talk. I was going tell him I wasn't sure if I could be friends with him right away and cut him out off my life. But I failed to do so. Instead, I told him everything that I felt and left out the previous night. I told him that I wanted to test the waters a little longer since everyone likes to say 3 months is the amount of time you should aim for. He said he didn't know. We could be friends. Or we could try and see for a little longer. Then I asked him about the dreams. He revealed that the baby dream came back during the weekend when I had slept over. And that it was bugging him a lot. I reiterated to him what would happened if it did end up with that consequence. I would get an abortion and he would know--I would not keep it from him. Then I went into the exact details, how I would go to walgreen/cvs and get a test if my period was off. And that I would give the details of the appointment and even give him my location on the day of the appointment. Then we both reiterated that it was highly unlikely. It seemed to relieve him a bit. Then he stated that he had another a nagging feeling throughout the day, concerned that he was leading me on. I explained to him that he was not leading me on. He and I are both people pleasers. He didn't want to make me sad if he ended things. He'd rather make everyone happy if he can. I told him I knew that he didn't like me like that. If anything, I was leading myself on. If I ended up sad from this ending, then it was on me. I was the one who wanted to take the chance to see where this could go. I am also a people pleaser so I told to please tell me how he felt about all this. He stated again he was unsure but was willing to see where this could go. We ended the night back to the status quo of being friends testing out the waters but lesser physical intimacy.
Now this is the day after and I feel like I fked up. But then if he was so unsure, why did he invite me over to his apartment? And why was he inviting himself to hang out with me more? He also started texting me more and he started calling me in the weeks leading to today. I think I know the answer and that is that he was just looking for physical intimacy in someone since he spent 22 years without the experience of a relationship and that I'm just an opportunity. But he's also a people pleaser so I can't help but also think that he's trying to compensate for his lack of equal attraction to me by initiating more. But he says that he is attracted to me and likes me as a person. Just not sure if it was like that. He said he would like to stay friends if all fails. I think a part of the reason why he said that was to ease the guilt on his ego since he's a people's pleaser. I'm just confused on where he stands. One moment, he seems interested--texting, hanging out, just the normal stuff. The next, he's all confused and unsure. I'm afraid that I'm just forcing myself to be blind and not see his actions as they are: uninterested.
tldr: He is unsure of how he feels and anxious about pregnancy. Did I force him into this situation?

Erik Ten Hag

Erik ten Hag: "Absolutely the club wants to keep Bruno, no question about that. As far as I know, he loves to play for ManUtd."
https://x.com/sistoney67/status/1790862893933596916
Ten Hag on Bruno Fernandes: "He loves Manchester United, he loves to play for Manchester United. Especially with the injuries around him, he has to carry the team, he keeps a high level."
https://x.com/RichFay/status/1790863092248670231
Erik ten Hag: "After the season we have had so far, I don’t talk about pride. We are all disappointed with the season."
https://x.com/sistoney67/status/1790863597142216977

'I promise you those players will give everything'

Manchester United boss Erik ten Hag addressing the Old Trafford crowd:
"On behalf of the players, staff and myself I want to thank you all for the brilliant support during this season.
"As you know it wasn’t an easy season, but one thing remained constant and that was the backing of you for the team.
"This season is not over yet. First we go to Brighton where we travel for three points and then we go to Wembley. And I promise you those players will give everything to get that cup and bring it to Old Trafford.
"We are sure you will be there supporting us - thank you, you are the best supporters in the world."
​

'We found the really good balance'

Manchester United boss Erik ten Hag told BBC Sport:
"It's always nice to win any game. It's important to win the last game at Old Trafford this season. The fans deserve this because they've had difficult times and always stayed with us.
"We are here together. We wanted to pay the fans back.
"Fantastic. Great goals. But it was a team effort how we made the goals. But I'm always happy at young players who are progressing very good and scored some brilliant goals.
"Newcastle have a lot of physical power and you have to match that but you also have to play football. We had found the really good balance in this.
"I think he [Hojlund] needs some rest so he's fresh. Strikers live for goals. It's very important for his confidence so I'm really pleased he scored."
On the FA Cup final: "We don't think about this yet. First we have Brighton in the last game which is important in the ranking. We don't have it in our hands but we have to do our job."
____________________________

Bruno Fernandes

Bruno Fernandes on his future: “I will be here till when the club wants me and the club wants me to be a part of the future”. “If for some reason they don’t want me, then I will go”.
https://x.com/FabrizioRomano/status/1790857608057733261

'The job isn’t finished yet'

Manchester United skipper Bruno Fernandes, speaking to Sky Sports:
“Obviously the job isn’t finished yet. We still have one game in the Premier League then the biggest game of the season, the FA Cup final.
“It has been a tough season. The table shows that and we are all aware of that. The fans have been amazing and behind us all season. We all appreciate what they have been doing for us.
“We want to do better and do differently and they [fans] deserve that.
“They have been amazing for us and we had to do something, we have been trying but results don’t show that. We have been working hard and everyone has been giving their best it is not enough and we have to do more.
“We still have two games to go and we have to finish in the best way.
“It doesn’t exist, a captain's performance, it is a team performance.
"I am no different from anyone just because I have the armband. I always try my best and we always do the best we can for the club – nobody hides that we play for a big club and we have to lift our standards every game.”
On his future: “I will be here till when the club wants me and the club wants me to be a part of the future. If for some reason they don’t want me, then I will go.”
____________________________

Eddie Howe

Eddie Howe on first-half incident: "It was an absolute stonewall penalty."
https://x.com/RichFay/status/1790858968459342013
Eddie Howe: "We had chances & I felt we could score at any moment. But we have lost the game because of how we defended their goals. We should hang our heads really. The game got away from us in key moments"
https://x.com/CraigHope\_DM/status/1790859629389332521

'We were let down by some of our defending'

Newcastle boss Eddie Howe to BBC Sport: "Frustrating for us. Away from home this year our record hasn't been good enough. Familiar scene for us. We conceded poor goals and ultimately that has cost us the game.
"It was a decent performance. We looked a good team but were let down by some of our defending.
"Attacking-wise we were good and had a threat all game. We took our goals well. Frustrated we didn't get more.
"There's a chance and while there's a chance we'll give it everything we can.
"Anthony Gordon has been excellent for us. He took his goal well. He should have had a penalty as well."
​

'It was an opportunity to grab Europe'

Newcastle United boss Eddie Howe, speaking to Sky Sports:
“We had chances to do more, but the way we defended the three goals wasn’t good enough - this season compared to last we have conceded goals.
“It's something we have to change longer term."
On Kieran Trippier's position for the opening goal: ”Reluctant to focus on one player.
“When you look back through the goals we have conceded today there are multiple errors in all three goals.
“I don’t think Man Utd hurt us a great deal but we conceded three goals. We looked good going forward, we did create chances but didn’t get enough bodies in the key chances, but we scored two goals and it should be enough to get something from the game.
“You feel momentum is with us and there is a much better feel with us in the second half. Then a second goal from a set-play. It is a combination of errors and we know we have to do better."
On Anthony Gordon’s penalty call: “I thought it was a penalty. You have to see it one to three times to see where the contact is. I thought that’s what VAR was good at.”
On scrapping VAR: “I have always been in an era where the referee makes a decision and I back it.
“I would possibly keep it [VAR] with offsides, but I want more power with referees.”
On Europe: “I don’t know. In this moment we are disappointed to not win today. It was an opportunity to grab Europe instead of looking around at other results.”
____________________________

Anthony Gordon

'Either get rid of it or get better' - Gordon on VAR

Newcastle forward Anthony Gordon, speaking to Sky Sports: "I thought we played alright.
"Defensively away from home we have been poor - we have to fix that.
"We created a lot, but we didn't take our chances. We cannot blame anything else but ourselves.
"But, today wasn't our day."
On a potential ankle injury and penalty call: "Really sore. Not too sure how good my ankle will be.
"I have watched it back and it is a clear penalty. I don't mind the referee getting it wrong on the pitch, but I don't understand the point of VAR.
"He [Sofyan Amrabat] goes down my Achilles and pushes me in the back.
"I knew straight away, that is why I didn't appeal. I waited for the VAR to check, I told my team-mates 'it was a clear penalty'. I don't understand the point of it, either get rid of it or get better - it's that simple.
"I think I am quite fond of it. Fond of the idea and it should work, but there are too many mistakes."
On his hopes of Euro 2024: "I won't let a sore ankle get in the way of that.
​
Quotes via BBC

TL;DR -> We brought in a doctor of physical therapy to do a seminar on injury resistance, working out, staying healthy, assessing weaknesses and injury potential, and understanding the world of diagnosis, triage, treatment, and recovery. It was great, and I think more BJJ schools should do stuff like this.
This isn't medical advice; I'm telling you what we did and learned, but if you want the medical detail get your own PT to do your own seminar :-)
I have been meaning to post this, and was recently reminded by discussion with u/Historical-Pen-7484 and u/viszlat, so here it is.
Our school recently did something I don't think I've heard anyone else do. Instead of hosting a coral belt or famous competitor for a seminar, we invited a local physical therapist that some of us had worked with. We called it a "PT Seminar", and it was a pretty neat time.
The premise was: the PT will watch us roll for an hour to observe BJJ in action, and then take an hour (and a bit more...) to speak to a host of relevant topics.
I preloaded him with a bunch of questions that BJJ people often ask -- stuff like, "How can I become injury resistant?" or, "How long should I stay off the mat when I'm injured?" etc.
The results were pretty awesome. We got some input from him on how we should adjust or adapt our warmups and mobility / flexibility work in class, and what we should be doing outside of class to maximize our longevity in BJJ. He took us through some diagnostic tests to evaluate for major mobility issues or weaknesses (which was fascinating), and gave some recommendations for working on some of the gaps he observed. Finally, he took a number of questions, which turned into some real back and forth. We learned a lot about our fellow students' aches and pains, and gained some insight on a lot of topics.

Detailed review:
Becoming Injury Resistant
His main recommendation was (of course?) to add two days a week of resistance and mobility training. The advice was to do moderate intensity on all the major muscle groups, emphasizing free weight compound movements to develop and maintain stability in the joints. He wasn't saying we should become body builders or power lifters, but that we needed something that isn't functionality equivalent to BJJ to round everything out. He said more than two hours a week would be another hobby, and not to get sucked more deeply than necessary into the workout crowd (unless we want to).
Warmups and Stretches
I talked with him ahead of time about different ideas in BJJ about warmups and stretches. He talked through what the medical / sports-science benefit of the warmup and stretches actually are, and used that as a basis for some recommendations for our class structure.
He advocated a minimal warmup -- that its purpose is to raise body temperature and heart rate, lubricate the joints, and psychologically prepare for physical activity. So he said it should never take more than a few minutes to warm up. He said 5 minutes is too long, and crossing over the boundary with strength and conditioning.
On the S&C point, he asked if our classes are supposed to include S&C, or if people are expected to do that on their own. Our class was more or less unanimous that we look to do BJJ during paid class time, and he suggested we should think of S&C as something we do on our own time outside of class.
Regarding stretching, he suggested avoiding static stretches during class, and he cited some research results that show static stretching actually sets you up for injury (though stretching for mobility and flexibility should include static stretches, and should just be thier own thing, he said). He took us through some examples of the kind of dynamic and active stretching he thought would be a better fit, given our functional performance goals in BJJ.
Injury Identification and Response
We had a lot of discussion about how to know when you're injured, when to decide it's a bad one, and when to invoke medical expertise. He remained pretty open minded, speaking to when a doctor should be involved, and where he thought PT fits in to maximize recovery. His main suggestion was that injuries that are healing get steadily better, and things should get attention when they flat-line or get worse over time.
Some of our students had a lot of questions about what makes a good PT, so he went into that. Just like BJJ schools have red flags, he said there are better and worse PTs out there. He said that if you go to a place that gives you a list of exercises based on your doctor's diagnosis, and has you do the same thing for awhile, it's not as good. He prefers a PT approach that applies more analysis, and makes frequent changes to the workload to accommodate changes during recovery and adapt to what is experienced by the patient.
He seemed to advocate a pretty nuanced approach to time off and return to activity. His basic logic was that the longer you spend not doing your activity, the more you atrophy, compensate with changed behavior, and settle into a worse condition. Of course, that is balanced by returning too quickly and too much, re-injuring, or aggravating your body and extending recovery.
So he kind of recommended careful re-introduction of activity, perhaps under supervision of a PT (of course), and finding as many ways to do things as you can without aggravating the injury so you don't fall behind.
I don't want to risk this seeming like a medical advice post, so I won't go into more detail. Go find your own PT and get advice from him so it's legit :-). I will just say that this was extremely valuable, and helped a lot of us frame our thinking about the next time we are hurt and how we will approach return to the mats.
Assessing Weaknesses and Problem Spots
Our PT took the group through a bunch of his basic triage / diagnostic exercises. It was very interesting -- for example, he said we were all surprisingly good on upper core strength, but most of us failed the lower core strength tests. This led to some fascinating conjecture as to why, and he spoke to how that manifests as increased risk of injury in some ways.
He did a few different tests, for mobility, strength, etc., and gave a lot of recommendations on specific details of exercises and what expectations we should have of our bodies. Some people remarked that they didn't know this or that were below normal, and it gave a bunch of us some side-goals about where we want to take our bodies in the future. Again, this is very close to medical advice, so I won't repeat a lot of it here.
Diagnosis and Q&A
Finally, he took a lot of questions, and people came out of the woodwork! Back issues, historical injuries, morphological oddities... we learned a lot about our fellow students. But we also got to see how he would inspect, and reason through what might be wrong. In some cases, he spoke to appropriate pros and cons of surgical solutions vs living with something -- all very helpful stuff!
Conclusion
It was really all I had hoped it to be. I had worked with this PT through a major injury (torn hamstring and glute), and been so impressed, I wanted to share him with the school. The end result was really excellent.
If you want to do the same thing (and I think I would recommend it for any BJJ school), it may not be that hard. I tried really hard to pay him, and when he refused money, I tried to suggest a gift in kind like an iPad or something. He said some things about professional requirements to do community outreach, etc., etc., so it turned out to be a pretty good deal. We asked attendees to throw in a couple bucks, and we took him out to eat, and that was it.
I do believe that he actually picked up four patients out of it (at least, three told me they have been to see him a time or two, and one said he was going to). We worked hard not to make it a sales pitch, and our guy was very professional about the whole thing; but nevertheless, if you want to get something similar worked out, the potential for bringing in some business might help tip the scales as you talk to your local PTs.
Someone asked if we'll do it again, and I think we will. Or might mix it up and bring in an orthopedist. Could even think about a nutritionist, sports scientist, etc.
There are so many topics that BJJ instructors or students pretend to know a lot about, but it sure makes a difference when you bring in a real expert in some domain and pepper them with questions!

I (21F) have been talking to this dude (22m) since March. During that time, we initially had around one or two hangouts weekly just trying to get to know each other. Whenever we hanged out, we tended to lose track of the time because we enjoyed talking and just getting to know one another. Time just flew by and by the time we checked the time, hours have passed.
At some point, the hangouts became more regular casual study sessions where we would just be next to each other studying (sometimes they turned into regular conversational hangouts and no study done but for the most part, we studied like we intended). He would ask what I was up to and I would let him know I was studying at the university library. He would join me after his class ended and we would be there until closing hours.
Then things got more intimate than intended one day (in the moment, it was consensual for both parties) and the next morning he messaged me saying he wanted to talk. He stated that he thought I was a cool person but he had this irrational thought about the night leading to pregnancy and how it made him paranoid. We never did penetration or anything that could result in it aside from casual touching. I told him the thought also crossed my mind and that I understood where he was coming from and it made me uneasy as well. Ever since, things felt off. We talked about why he felt that way and we concluded that that night was an outlier and won't happen again. We also discussed how his paranoia might stem from the fact that he and I did not know each other that well, and that if things were ever to lead to such consequences, he wouldn't feel comfortable with it. Essentially, we were moving too fast, something that I had agreed on. This talk also lead to labels--we decided that we were just friends with an interest in one another seeing if we had potential, which worked good because he and I were both inexperienced and this was all new to us so I had figured that would be a good pace for the both of us. A pacing where we would figure it out in time and we were just testing the waters. We also made it clear that I was more attracted to him than he was to me.
A few weeks past and we continued our study session leading up to graduation. Things were normal. Then we graduated.
We went to go watch a movie. He revealed to me the paranoia came back two times. He dreamed about it two times and would feel paranoid about it. I tried to help relieve the anxiety if I could. I reassured him that if something were to happen, I would tell him and get an abortion. And that I'm also updating him on when my next period comes. I also told him I got my period a week after that night. I was debating if I should just go on birth control to calm his nerves but idk, he and I aren't even in a relationship and my hormones and period are pretty stable. Meanwhile I'm also trying to think about why he feels this way. I end up going back to the fact that he is not interested in me. And that he feels forced to be in this situation. And that he's forcing himself to try and be attracted to me. That this is his subconsciousness screaming at him that he needs to get out of this situation. But when I ask him if this is the case, he says he's attracted to me, just not sure if he into me to the point where he thinks he can take it further. I understood where he was coming from. Because it was similar for me. It's been barely over two months. I still needed to get to know this guy. But at the very least, I knew I liked him and was willing to explore where this could lead to. He was still on the fence.
I ended up staying at his apartment the next weekend since he invited me. And my god, things were awkward. Perhaps we were both stressed and tired. He had a cert exam that he had been grinding on the past few weeks. He took it the morning of the sleepover and he passed!!! As for me, I was anxious with graduation and felt like I was behind on life since I was essentially jobless after graduation and just lost with what to do with myself. During the sleepover, it mainly consisted of us resting--laying on his couch and sleeping on the bed. When we tried playing board/card games, there was an awkward feeling in the air. Conversations didn't flow and died off awkwardly. I could feel that something was off about him too because something was amiss about him and his behavior. Just earlier the week leading up to the sleepover, we felt chill. We hanged out and were also in a call just vibing. But when the sleepover occurred, something was off. We ended up just sleeping from early Saturday evening to Sunday morning. I took a shower and left with a simple bye.
Then we met the next day because we had a dinner and movie planned. The awkwardness from the weekend still lingered. I couldn't fully be in the moment because it was bugging me how he felt off. When he dropped me off, I texted him I wanted to talk. We ended up in a call. I told him I was feeling off because of the weekend and that it was making me overthink and that it would be best if we stopped the physical intimacy. He said he was confused and that the way our conversations sometimes died off awkwardly made him unsure. We would have moments were we would hit it off really well, and others, the conversations just awkwardly died off. We both stated that perhaps it was a sign of incompatibility. He thought I was a cool person but that was it. I knew that I liked him somewhat, that I came into this with the mindset that this was something I wanted to try out and see how it played out. I guess he was just going with the flow. We settled on just being friends.
The next morning, I had a nagging feeling in my chest. I texted him if we could talk. I was going tell him I wasn't sure if I could be friends with him right away and cut him out off my life. But I failed to do so. Instead, I told him everything that I felt and left out the previous night. I told him that I wanted to test the waters a little longer since everyone likes to say 3 months is the amount of time you should aim for. He said he didn't know. We could be friends. Or we could try and see for a little longer. Then I asked him about the dreams. He revealed that the baby dream came back during the weekend when I had slept over. And that it was bugging him a lot. I reiterated to him what would happened if it did end up with that consequence. I would get an abortion and he would know--I would not keep it from him. Then I went into the exact details, how I would go to walgreen/cvs and get a test if my period was off. And that I would give the details of the appointment and even give him my location on the day of the appointment. Then we both reiterated that it was highly unlikely. It seemed to relieve him a bit. Then he stated that he had another a nagging feeling throughout the day, concerned that he was leading me on. I explained to him that he was not leading me on. He and I are both people pleasers. He didn't want to make me sad if he ended things. He'd rather make everyone happy if he can. I told him I knew that he didn't like me like that. If anything, I was leading myself on. If I ended up sad from this ending, then it was on me. I was the one who wanted to take the chance to see where this could go. I am also a people pleaser so I told to please tell me how he felt about all this. He stated again he was unsure but was willing to see where this could go. We ended the night back to the status quo of being friends testing out the waters but lesser physical intimacy.
Now this is the day after and I feel like I fked up. But then if he was so unsure, why did he invite me over to his apartment? And why was he inviting himself to hang out with me more? He also started texting me more and he started calling me in the weeks leading to today. I think I know the answer and that is that he was just looking for physical intimacy in someone since he spent 22 years without the experience of a relationship and that I'm just an opportunity. But he's also a people pleaser so I can't help but also think that he's trying to compensate for his lack of equal attraction to me by initiating more. But he says that he is attracted to me and likes me as a person. Just not sure if it was like that. He said he would like to stay friends. I think a part of the reason why he said that was to ease the guilt on his ego since he's a people's pleaser. Im just confused on where he stands. One moment, he seems interested. The next, he's all confused and unsure. I'm afraid that I'm just forcing myself to be blind and not see his actions as they are: uninterested.

I’m so glad this sub exists because I’ve been annoying everyone in my life with my theories about these two … I figured this would be the right place to post my speculation/lyric breakdowns of songs that they may have written about each other, split into different posts for albums for ease of reading.
Starting with Reputation (2017) – I imagine the failed relationship with Matty was still fresh for Taylor during the writing/recording of this album. Her reference to her “longings locked in lowercase inside a vault” definitely made me look back at Rep in a way I hadn’t before (and I do think we’ll see some Matty-coded vault tracks on TV”. That said I don’t want to erase her other relationships, especially with Joe, so I’ll make notes of where I think I’m either stretching for a Matty connection or I think there are multiple muses.
Special mention to “Getaway Car” which feels like another (fictionalized?) response to Robbers but the story she tells is very similar to her fling with Tom, especially given the third man in the song. I usually claim it for the maylors anyway bc who cares about Tom. Let me know what you think.
“...Ready For It?”
Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him / Wonder how many girls he had loved and left haunted / But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom
I can't ignore the connections here to two other songs thought to be written about M - Ghost (2014) and Haunted (2015) by Halsey (I won't bother going into the HalseyMatty lore here but I could in another post...)
"You're a Rolling Stone boy, never-sleep-alone boy / Got a million numbers and they're filling up your phone, boy" (Ghost) "I'm begging you to keep on haunting me" (Haunted) "My ghost / Where'd you go? / I can't find you in the body sleeping next to me" (Ghost)
I can be a phantom holdin' him for ransom / Knew I was a robber first time that he saw me / Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry / But if I'm a thief, then he can join the heist / And he can be my jailer
Robbers is one of The 1975’s most famous songs. In the music video two lovers stick up a convenience store - definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen it. In 2014 M dedicated the song to T in Dallas in November 2017 (a week after she attended the concert in LA) here and here
Burton to this Taylor
One of my favorite references that I think reveals a lot about the messy but irresistible relationship M and T seem to have. Here's a link to a great article about the wild love affair between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.
Every love I've known in comparison is a failure / I forget their names now, I'm so very tame now / Never be the same now
This sentiment is repeated throughout many of the songs I believe are about M. The idea of a life altering love is obviously prevalent across TTPD but also in folklore, evermore, and Midnights. ex. "I'm never gonna love again" (cowboy like me), "I don't remember who I was before you painted all my nights a color I have searched for since" (Question...?), "I felt aglow like this / Never before and never since" (loml)
Also want to mention This Must Be My Dream from 2016, which M has said is about an older gf but may fit: "Let me tell you 'bout this girl / I thought she'd rearrange my world"
No one has to know / In the middle of the night, in my dreams / You should see the things we do, baby
See Guilty as Sin? lol
Baby, let the games begin
Taylor in an interview with Glamour in February 2014:
TS: [Nods. Pauses.] I think everyone should approach relationships from the perspective of playing it straight and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Until he establishes that this is a game. And if it's a game, you need to win. The best thing to do is just walk away from the table.
CL: Is that winning?
TS: It is when they come back. [Laughs.] And if they don't, then they didn't care enough to begin with.
conclusion: I believe ...Ready For It? is a response to Robbers and reveals M and T's similar romanticism (sometimes toxic but so addicting). The mirrored stylization of ...Ready For It? and Question...? makes me think the latter is a continuation of the former. The mentions of “island breeze” and “we’ll move to an island” have made people believe this song is about Tom Hiddleston but other lyrics, namely “younger than my exes” pretty clearly contradicts that.
"End Game"
I wanna be your end game / I wanna be your first string /I wanna be your A-Team
Funny reading this after The Alchemy and So High School.
Big reputation, big reputation / Ooh, you and me, we got big reputations / And you heard about me / Ooh, you and me would be a big conversation
And they were! Especially because T hadn't been really linked to anyone after Harry, the speculation about her and M came hard and fast. M especially was inundated with questions in the months after the LA and NYC shows.
And I heard about you / You like the bad ones, too
Another possible reference to a Halsey song, this time Hurricane from 2014: "He says, "Oh, baby, beggin' you to save me / Well, lately I like 'em crazy/ Oh, maybe, you could devastate me"
I don't wanna touch you, I don't wanna be / Just another ex-love you don't wanna see / I don't wanna miss you / Like the other girls do
Very reminiscent of The 1975's song Somebody Else, released in 2016, speculated to be about T: "I don't want your body / But I hate to think about you with somebody else"
I hit you like bang, we tried to forget it, but we just couldn't
"Flashbacks waking me up / I get drunk, but it's not enough" (Death By A Thousand Cuts)
And I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put 'em
"I circled you on a map / I haven't come around in so long" (The Alchemy)
Reputation precedes me, they told you I'm crazy
"And they tried to warn you about me" (The Albatross)
And I can't let you go, your hand prints on my soul
"Marked me like a bloodstain" (Cardigan)
It's like your eyes are liquor, it's like your body is gold
So many of the songs speculated to be about M reference his eyes but the most relevant (not the starry eyed motif which we'll get to in the future) are: "Eyes like sinking ships on waters / So inviting I almost jump in" (gold rush) and "But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet / Now I'm all for you like Janet" (Snow On The Beach)
"Deep blue, but you painted me golden" (Dancing With Our Hands Tied)
You've been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks / So here's the truth from my red lips
From the same Glamour article, Taylor talking about her 'trick' when dating:
CL: What's the freeze-out?
TS: You don't respond to any of his texts or calls until he does something desperate [like] shows up. Or he calls and leaves a voice mail. Something that makes it very clear to you that he's interested.
disclaimer: I am someone who thinks the Tom relationship was not that serious for T, so this song imo fits what she may have told us about her relationship with M more, though the beach reference does point to Tom in a way.
"Don't Blame Me"
I've been breaking hearts a long time / And toying with them older guys / Just playthings for me to use
See the quotes from the Glamour article above. "Younger than my exes, but he act like such a man, so" (...Ready For It?)
Something happened for the first time / In the darkest little paradise
May refer to the dark concert venue where they met for the first time (see So It Goes... for more)
For you / I would cross the line / I would waste my time / I would lose my mind / They say, "She's gone too far this time."
Sentiment that is repeated throughout TTPD, but most clearly in But Daddy I Love Him
My name is whatever you decide / And I'm just gonna call you mine
Though this could be a stretch, in the spotify storyline for The 1975's Oh Caroline (2022), speculated to be about T, M said "It's an invented character, where the cadence really mattered. It couldn't be "Oh Linda" or "Oh Jane" [or "Oh Taylor"] - you had to have a 3 syllable that really works. I knew what the song was about, I had felt that about someone before and I got to write an episodic, mini movie about the subject"
disclaimer: If about M, this song is very on the nose with the drug references. Generally it's a very vague song and could easily be about Joe or another ex.
"So It Goes..."
See you in the dark / All eyes on you, my magician / All eyes on us / You make everyone disappear
Likely refers to the first time T saw M in person, when she was front row at The 1975's LA show. All eyes were on M then (including T's)
"Once upon a time, the planets and the fates / And all the stars aligned / You and I ended up in the same room / At the same time" (Mastermind)
Tripping, tripping when you're gone
May relate to Don't Blame Me: "Trip of my life / every time you're touching me"
'Cause we breakdown a little / But when you get me alone, it's so simple
Maybe a stretch but M famously had a breakdown on stage in Boston on December 6, 2014. In an interview with the Guardian he said: “There was girl stuff. There was family stuff. There was financial stuff. There was drug stuff. I remember hearing the crowd and having an identity crisis. I thought: ‘If you want to see a show, I’ll give you a fucking show. If you’ve come to see the jester drink himself into a slumber, I’ll give it to you.’ I felt like I’d become an idea as opposed to being a person.”
“And I was 25 and afraid to go outside” (Give Yourself a Try)
And all the pieces fall / Right into place
"I laid the groundwork and then, just like clockwork / The dominoes cascaded in a line" (Mastermind)
Getting caught up in a moment / Lipstick on your face
"I said, "Don't fall in love with the moment" / She said I've got a lot to learn / Don't fall in love with the moment /And think you're in love with the girl" (She's American)
Come here, dressed in black now
"Yeah, we're dressed in black from head to toe" (Chocolate). Taylor was also wearing all black the night of the LA show.
conclusion: You did a number on me / But, honestly, baby, who's counting? / I did a number on you / But, honestly, baby, who's counting? ( "King of My Heart"
We met a few weeks ago / Now you try on callin' me "baby" like tryin' on clothes
The reason why I don't necessarily think Joe fits. They met at the Met Gala in 2017 and she very quickly started seeing Tom, obviously it could still be him but I wanted to note this.
"Don't call me 'kid,' don't call me 'baby' / Look at this idiotic fool that you made me" (illicit affairs)
And you move to me like I'm a Motown beat
M loves Motown, even sampling a track by The Temptations on Tonight (I Wish I Was Your Boy). He's also always loved dancing, which you can see in the videos for A Change of Heart and Oh Caroline.
Salute to me I'm your American Queen / Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff
He's English, obviously.
And we rule the kingdom inside my room / With all these nights we're spending / Up on the roof with a school girl crush
Totally speculation but M and T hiding out in her NYC home makes a lot of sense from other pieces she has shared about the relationship “My kingdom come undone” (Hoax)
Late in the night, the city's asleep / Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep
Speculation again but fits with the story of M and T as mostly loving each other in secret (see Dancing With Our Hands Tied and Dress)
Is this the end of all the endings? / My broken bones are mending
As mentioned above, T had seemingly taken a break from dating after the breakup with Harry.
disclaimer: Definitely not 100% sure on this one as there is convincing evidence that it is about J
"Dancing With Our Hands Tied"
I, I loved you in secret / First sight, yeah, we love without reason / Oh, 25 years old
M and T were both born in 1989, M was 25 when they first met and dated and T was turning 25.
My, my love had been frozen / People started talking, putting us through our paces / I knew there was no one in the world who could take it / I loved you in spite of / Deep fears that the world would divide us
“A red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground / With no one around to tweet it” (The Lakes)
In an interview with the Guardian Matty said: “The day after she’d been to a show of ours, someone sent me a screenshot of E! News with the headline ‘Who is Matt Healy?’ That freaked me out. I’m not ready to indulge in that world and I’m not ready to be judged by that world.” So sad to read knowing that they dealt with a similar situation nearly a decade later.
Picture of your face in an invisible locket
“Wear you like a necklace” (So It Goes…)
And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis
“Now you hang from my lips / Like the Gardens of Babylon / With your boots beneath my bed” (cowboy like me)
I'd kiss you as the lights went out / Swaying as the room burned down / I'd hold you as the water rushes in / If I could dance with you again
Reminds me so much of the music video for cardigan, where T slips into a rough ocean and hangs on to a piano. Also from cardigan: “Leaving like a father / Running like water”
“Dress”
Our secret moments in a crowded room / They got no idea about me and you
"Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room / And every single one of your friends was / Making fun of you" (Question...?)
There is an indentation in the shape of you / Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo
M seemingly makes a lasting impression: “Deep blue, but you painted me golden” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied) “The mark they saw on my collarbone” (Maroon) “Marked me like a bloodstain” (cardigan)
'Cause I don't want you like a best friend
T often seems to refer to a friendship with M, perhaps they tried it a few times: “We were supposed to be just friends” (Glitch) “Like you were my closest friend” (Maroon) “Just say when, I'd play again / He was my best friend / Down at the sandlot” (My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys)
And if I get burned, at least we were electrified
“I'd kiss you as the lights went out / Swaying as the room burned down” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied)
I'm spilling wine in the bathtub / You kiss my face and we're both drunk
Many of the possible M songs refer to M and T’s love of wine. “And I can see us twisted in bedsheets / August slipped away like a bottle of wine” (august) “The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me / And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was (maroon)” (Maroon)
disclaimer - Obviously most likely about Joe given the reference to the 2017 Met Gala but I think it was worth a mention!
“Call It What You Want”
My baby's fly like a jet stream / High above the whole scene
Probably a double-entendre. M considers himself slightly on the outside of the ‘scene’ but this can come across as self assurance. This also could refer to literally being high on drugs
Loves me like I'm brand new
After T’s clever use of The Starting Line in TTPD I’m convinced she’s referring to the band Brand New. M posted a Brand New album on his ig story in 2020.
All my flowers grew back as thorns
An interesting contrast to “I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy” from Don’t Blame Me
Windows boarded up after the storm
“I look through the windows of this love / Even though we boarded them up” (Death By A Thousand Cuts)
I'm laughing with my lover
“Laughing with my feet in your lap” (Maroon) “Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere” (New Year’s Day)
Making forts under covers
Matty famously built a fort in ATPOAIM 3. “I'll build you a fort on some planet / Where they can all understand it” (Down Bad)
Trust him like a brother
“Like I lost my twin” (Down Bad)
Starry eyes sparking up my darkest night
So many starry eyed references which is terribly romantic and terribly sad. “Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?” (High Infidelity), “Your opal eyes are all I wish to see” (ivy), “Eyes full of stars” (cowboy like me), and “Gazing at me starry-eyed” (The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived)
I want to wear his initial on a chain 'round my neck
“Picture of your face in an invisible locket” (Dancing With Our Hands Tied) “Wear you like a necklace” (So It Goes…)
I recall late November, holding my breath
Late November fits perfectly into the timeline of M and T’s 2014 relationship. Late October to Late DecembeEarly January makes the most sense.
Slowly I said, "You don't need to save me / But would you run away with me?"
“You're mad thinking you could ever save me. Not looking like that.” (A Change of Heart)
disclaimer: Again lots of Joe references in this as well so take this with a grain of salt.
“New Year’s Day”
You and me from the night before, but / Don't read the last page
From Me and You Together Song (2020): “I think the story needs more pages, yes.” The reference to “the last page” also makes this song feel like more of a reminiscence than a song about a current lover.
I want your midnights / But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day
Impossible not to reread these lyrics after Midnights was released as a nod to M: “When the morning came we / Were cleaning incense off your / Vinyl shelf ‘cause we lost track of time again” (Maroon)
You squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi / I can tell that it's gonna be a long road / I'll be there if you're the toast of the town, babe / Or if you strike out and you're crawling home
Especially after the release of TTPD it seems that both T and M made many promises to each other that they couldn’t keep
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you / And I will hold on to you
The reference to memories here creates a bit of a confusing feeling about the muse for this song. Although T seems to be talking in the present tense I do think these are memories and dreams for a past relationship.
“Hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end / Do you think I have forgotten? / Do you think I have forgotten? / Do you think I have forgotten / About you?” (About You)
Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere / Please don't ever become a stranger / Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Not much to say about this but ow!
You and me forevermore
Again reminds me of Me and You Together Song (which I do buy as a song at least partially about T). And of course links to Evermore.
disclaimer: This could absolutely be about Joe but it does feel almost like a goodbye to M, closing the album. It’s as if she is reading “the last page”
Congrats if you read this lol. I clearly have too much time on my hands

It's Gabby or Grett.
Yes, yes, I know, that's not a clear answer, but hear me out: I think everybody left besides Gabby and Grett have a very clear reason why they won't win.
First of all, I wanna talk about something: how this Season is a continuation from DC1 too and largely about the DC1 contestants. You can see it by how many S2 eliminations we've had so far, you can see it in screentime, you can see it in basically everything. The writers themselves have confirmed that S1 and AS were written back to back as 2 halves of the same story basically, while S2 is a lot more standalone. This is why many S2 characters such as James, Aiden, Lake, Rosa, Tess have had their stories largely finished, while most S1 characters(Jake, Tom, Grett, Alec, Ellie, etc) have had open ended finishes to their story. Simply put, yes, the DC2 cast are more or less secondary characters here, which is why I think the likelihood of a DC2 contestant winning is very small. Is it impossible, no? But it's not likely.
Even when you look at what contestants from DC2 haven't been eliminated, we got: Riya and Aiden, 2 people that have already been finalists, one of which is a rich actress and the other one already having a boyfriend who won a season. Aiden winning would be just like if Caleb somehow won Reboot S2. Then we have Yul, who... is Yul. I don't think there's much more I can add to that, I doubt the end of a trilogy will end with a fatphobic racist who abuses his girlfriend getting rewarded with 3 million dollars. The only one who has even a prayer of winning is Ally, and I'm not denying that she could, but again, she really hasn't done much this Season so far and she does really feel like a secondary character. As far as I'm concerned, Aiden, Riya and Yul both have a 0% chance while Ally maybe has a 2% at best.
Then we get to the DC1 crew, and I think we can rule out Jake, Ashley and Tom. Hear me out: Jake basically already kinda won in Season 1 thanks to Miriam. We know Miriam helped him with money and that they've hanged out together after the game. Jake's story this season hasn't been about winning at all, it's been about Tom and becoming a better person, and combine that with the fact that he already benefited from the winner of S1, I just don't see him as the winner. This is also why I can't see Ashley as the winner: there's no way they're doing the "Jake's bestie wins!" route again. And yeah, same can be said for Tom. The whole Tom and Jake plotline will likely end with them getting back together, and if that's the case, again, I really don't see another Jake related person winning.
When it comes to Alec, I would have said he has a shot, then last episode it was revealed he neglects his child, so yeah, would they reward someone like that with 3 million dollars? I doubt it.
Which leaves us with Gabby and Grett. Yes, as of now both of them are villains, but neither of them has done something as ugly as abusing your girlfriend or neglecting your child, so I don't think they are in the "too evil to be a satisfying winner" camp. Grett especially has really changed since Season 1, and we all know Gabby is a good person at heart. They're the only 2 I can really see winning the season right now, and they both appear to have a lot of character development and plot left.

Hi! I've never done this before, so sorry i start a bit random. I(14f) used to have a best friend(14f). Lets call her Mia. Since last summer Mia started ignoring me, when she wasn't, she would constantly talk about her new friends, or something else that had to do with her. Our friendship got really toxic, and in december after a big argument (It was a saturday, my parents weren't home and we had plans for her to come to my place since it had been months, but Mia ignored me the whole day. She told me she accidentally fell asleep. She did talk to my other friend, and later i found out she was awake, and was hanging out with her other new friends. It really hurt me, and we argued, and eventually i told her i didnt want to keep going on with her if i wasn't even important to her anyway, so, i blocked her.) And for the first few days it went fine. After about a week or two she randomly texted me on discord, and after a night of talking i blocked her again, realizing that i'd just fall in her trap again and i didnt need that. It went alright, until begin january somebody on snapchat added me. It was a new user (random letters, no snapscore or anything & immediatly on best friend list) who started telling me that at her exact school my number & snapchat was leaked everywhere. I didnt believe them, and since i was on holiday, i just blocked them. That person also texted exactly like she would, and didnt want to show their face. Which to me still is really weird. Over February- March, alot of random numbers started calling me. About 3 a day. It was really confusing, until somewhere in February a girl added me on whatsapp that i immediatly recognized as Mia's best friend. She started calling me pretty horrible things and i had to block her. In March somebody else added me, a guy. He told me my number also was on the walls, and tables of Mia's school. I was at this point honestly so tired already, but it wasnt even close to finishing. I thought Mia was finally done, but in April things got so much worse. Mia and her best friend somehow got my discord back, and they started being really mean to me. Calling me really bad things, and my girlfriend, being the sweetheart that she is texted the best friend telling her to stop contacting me. That only fueled Mia more, made her more angry i suppose.
After that we(me & my parents) started contacting her school multiple times. The school basically didnt care about the problem, and even though they did get rid of the number (we have evidence of it, though) They never did anything about Mia self. We had to go there exactly two times. The second time, i saw Mia for the first time since december. She looked embarrassed, and ran to the bathroom stalls which was about next to the administration. The door was open and we could hear her friends asking her whats wrong. She probably knew she messed up, and quickly went home after so the school couldnt force her to talk with us. The day after we got a letter, saying the school couldnt do anything about it. Why, you ask? Mia had made up a lie that she spread around the whole school. Apparently, i had photos of all the boys at her school. (I have before those two visits, never been there in my entire life. Me and my dad had to use google maps to even find out where it was.) And made them into stickers. Ofcourse her friends easily backed her up, so the school had to believe her. It was a really, really bad time for me. But i thought we were done, i atleast hoped so.
The numbers in the meantime since the school visits, almost stopped. Specific numbers (im guessing her friends) still called me, but i blocked all private & random numbers. So they wont be able to do so anymore.
Today was a pretty normal day, until in the evening. My dad asked me about some random person texting him on tiktok. He showed me the profile picture which i thought was funny. It was the emo logan paul picture. But he told me he was dead serious, because the person asked him if he lived in the exact street we lived in. I looked at the persons profile. I looked at followers, and then i understood. Ofcourse Mia was the only one of the three following him, and the other two were her friends. I didnt mind as much when she contacted me, because i felt like i didnt need to be scared for her to be able to be a threat to my family. But now it has all changed. I know its only on tiktok, but when she realized i texted her back cause i knew it was her.. it was horrible. The things she said just make me sick, and knowing she has my address makes me even more terrified.
My parents told me to just see it as a situation that should be funny, because it shows just how sad she is. But i cant think of it that way, what if she does more? What if she uses my own address against me? What if she turns into a actual threat for my family? The police cant do anything, cause shes not actually doing something "illegal". I really dont know what to do anymore. Im helpless & terrified. I know its stupid, but do any of you have any idea of what i could do about it?
I also want to know, would this count as a stalker? If not, is there some kind of name for it?
P.S thanks so much for reading, & i hope you have a really good day/night💞

Not shared, nor my shade; but something to be weaved; just as the measure of disappointment became it's own solution. But I talked my way through things forbidden, just to find myself blind in bed with those who are dead. Clumsy, but altogether natural of course, because it's consciousness what you refer in the description, yet that's what we don't get a lot about. See your deeds the way you are seen, and then return to a restless place: and the question in-between sheets will be why. Well, I just can't motivate myself to work without hot bitches staring. And that's the truth. Sad but True
— Hearfelt comment for an instagram witch.
Del desprecio a ese descarte, no he visto muchas cosas. Así se pasa una más para las cuentas, y aquí otro más para los versos, por qué aquí no hemos sido vistos. Cuánto más querría uno, que sino lo cuentas ni mucho menos piensas: << lo de este pibe que cosa más horrible>>, haciendo eso lamentable, por qué en decirlo nadie ha mentido. ¡Es horrible! Que cara es entonces la cuenta de lo que le sale a uno vivir sin más complejos; mejor seria cobrarmelo, para así saber que de algo ha valido. Bloqueame.
— Heartfelt comment for a random supermodel-to-be.
The Spirit of Fire
Flames begone, flames in spite: their warmth I felt - so I closed my fist until I could feel the warmth of my blood in my hand. And in dreams Fire came up to me and said: who am I? And I said unto him: you are bound to my bidding, thus your name misery will be. But fire wretched as he was, got closer and asked: and who are you?
And I said unto him that the blood of David ran through my veins, as I was his heir; for the mother of God claim me from death as a son. So Fire tried me, and figured it out.
You are son of woman —said Fire unto me— but as Fire acknowledged the name, I extended my left hand, and took Fire by the neck throwing him into the gound. — You are going to lace yourself to the right hand of the beast, and you'll keep him steady, so I can cleanly take him down. And Fire stayed down, and with his forehead kissing the ground asked unto me —why would the heir of David do so to earthly man?
And I said unto Fire that the beast from the abyss had left no mother for God, so I was to leave none of his body left for his head; as I was going to make it bleed until the end of the end of times.
The Spirit of Earth
Shapeless and without body, but keen within her many numbers, Earth came up to me in dreams, and said: who am I? And posessed in spirit as I was, I said unto her, that God had made her maiden again, and that she shall become the coins that Judas never received, which were to become the due payment of man and women for the body of Christ. Then I extended my right hand, and grabbed Earth by her hair —which descended deep into the abysses of hell— and cut it short so the demons of Lilith would no longer had her gripped by her back.
You are now a woman, and I'm going to rise you from the grounds. You'll lace yourself to the left hand of the beast, and keep it steady so with one shot I can cleanly take him down.
The Spirit of Air
A dream shaped by written words, whispered down for years by the currents of this Montain, and it's requiem witnessed but by a few — the end of dreams. But from where I standed at the peak, I called upon the distant currents that went down, and asked them: who am I?
And Air came unto me as bird, which had thousands of letters for feathers, and in the tongue of dead men answered.
"Somebody who only a few will remember by strange deeds; as the burden on your back, is a past tainted by impossible dreams. You were a lunatic giving new names to folk, and folk never bothered to remember —so your name must be freak, as you died in a forgotten shack some short time ago."
And as Air said these things upon me, I called Misery —as I had dubbed Fire — and told him to get inside my shot. The burden as Air had said, became lesser as i took the shot from my quiver. And I said upon Misery; that he was to set ablaze this arrow, as I was taking down the bird of Britain, and that I would do so, so God would give the deeds of Earth some better names.
The Lord is making a bridge between the empire of strength, and the last empire of men. Now by God's grace, I'm making the tongue of free men, the tongue of Spain. You will be eventually bound to my bidding, and if not me, it will be to the one I'm preceding; for I'm giving you twenty years to attone your wrongdoing. Alas, now because of your wretchedness, my shot on earthly men won't be clean, for his left leg won't stay steady.
Your old name was apathy, now I'm calling you Cisma, which in the tongue of dead men means schism. So now by the will of God lay unto the ground and say the words you've been teached. And as the arrow blazed forward, it's bending motion pierced the veil hiding the secret ladder of men. The bird of Britain catched on Fire, and it's hollering resounded throught the ladders of the mountain until the depths of the abyss. A column of air turned into fire, then violenty erupted from the vowels of the bird, and the wild fire spread as a storm from west to east all throughout the five kingdoms of men away from its own fiery wings, with a gift of misery and a few words to say.
"The name of your woman or the name of your man, will no longer explain their purpose to a man, a woman, or God. Charred words written by thunder will now be the new ladder of men — but until then, darkness upon thee."
The House of Water
I head into the coasts, and the beautiful beaches in-between, to find the stranger who burns images in the skin of men. He is the stranger, and has adopted the body of a monster, and he is one who cannot be understood, so he went on to only go out home in stunts, for the burdens in his heart have become too great to bear. Through terrible pains he has given all he once was for an identity, and as I pick up on his past, i found familiarity in the feelings of his heart. Oh dear friend how we found looking in sadness to ourselves, after doing same but with different means, carrying into our shoulders the loneliness of this world. As you have in-skin the garments of the strange doctrine that I preach — I shall congrate you, for you truly have fought the world entire, for my doctrine is the words of those who shall defeat the world entire.
I may not have your strangeness in-body, but I have it in these words, and in the true feelings of my heart. And I say in admiration that there's no higher form of art, philosophy or religion: than those who perform the highest thing they can give a name about.
Now even within solitude, and at odds with what old dead men call God, I see you and I found strength in you, as I can see you are within me, and in that, you are within everything as it should be - as is meant in everyone who does something that touches the heart of another man. I call this the kingdom of God. Yet blind men and women will wonder how can the kingdom of God possibly be within two outcasts such as you and me.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Upong giving my regards and waiting for response, I found my way into a bench. It was a warm afternoon, and the wind carried the water of the sea. The bird of Britain came about down from the wind of north, and layed on the bench were I was sitting.
The bird asked: why hast thou become this?
And I said back to bird, scorched he was and nearing death, that it was me someone who was supposed to give names, yet for years I couldn't figure out one for myself. Then on went to being given a name, Alas all the wrong ones. Did Adan gave himself a name? - I asked the bird back. And there was no response from bird. Then I continued.
A man has the essence of his soul retained by what he is seen doing. Yet I did things nobody saw, so my soul wasn't with God but with something just as ancient, and nonetheless unknown by men in its true nature — then Satan as the better known devil, came about and pushed me into a hole. It was my own doing. Yet the things I did, I thought were seen. But nonetheless what I did was without contemplation on a posible return. Just as somebody who prints an image on their own skin. It's permanent. This is the essence of a memory in the soul of the man who's seen by others. But in the familiarity of a man who picked every irreversible decision like the Alien, I find myself feeling sympathy, for the man is still not what he has been seen doing, he shall redeem himself by what he decides to turn himself into.
Is this a way of saying that you want to get yourself a tattoo? Get a new look? - the bird mockingly asked.
And I gave the scorched bird no answer.
Then the bird said unto me: what about your career as a prophet, uh? And the things you said about returning with substance? Do you actually think this is substance?
And i considered what the Bird said, then I negated with a movement of my own head. It is not i answered, but i find the memories of me not making sense unbearable. For those mean the memories of a fool, un pendejo, an insane person, or both. And I will always try to amend what I don't do well. But now I wish for only one thing, and it is to be remembered as someone who makes sense, and who out of that sense, made good upon the world. I don't expect anything in return for what I do now, as it is merely an outlet to keep me sane while I finish editing my work. It's clear I'm too incompetent to be a competent influencer. As for once, I don't care about influencing anyone into what I think; but to perform what I think it's important.
Then every proverbial student is free to take classes so as they see fit, and to interpret such classes as their comprehension gives them grasp of what it's said. In such regard, this is what I offer now, while I make the journey to Madrid. And the bird tilted it's head so as to observe me with his left eye, then after a long impasse, it made a loud and painful caw, and finally flew away. Soon after the bird flew, I looked upon the stars in the nascent night, and confessed to them, that it was the memories of who we were, what often stumps us into wrong beliefs of who we should be, maybe even wasting an entire lifetime retained by that which other people remembered us as being. But we are not the owners of our own names, the place we go, and our destiny. That's the biggest lie the western world of hollywood heros tell you, as in truth is collective agreement what determines what we look like doing and thus the meaning we should comfort to, recalling that names are practical mechanisms to remember the purpose of things, their meaning, and how their motion is described in the world.
But making the task of beating that collective belief, akin to the Nietzschean ideal of the camel turning into the lion, so as to transform it's spirit and become something else. But if it's the golden dragon of all the huamn values which judges you insane, will you be prepared to wrestle with the entire culture so as to have your way?
As I layed my eyes upon each star counting up to the number seventeen, I confessed of being scared of those beliefs, as revisiting the past, became a painful deed — and as I prepared to leave, I uttered one wish on the seventeenth point in the sky.
Lord please grant me strength, the way you have given my friend strenght.
2.
The night deepen, while the sea tide sang its own song of breathing. Some time passed, and then on the stranger showed himself approaching at the distance. I waved my hand at him, and after the instant, he found his way into my bench while I welcomed him with an extended fist which he casually bumped - after the short acknowledgement the dark alien looked at my face in between it's cover of dark, and looking at it undiscernable in its true features, with suspicion asked.
— What is it that you want?
I acknowledged him as a friend, then mentioned my brief research, as I had come to know him as man looking for a job, yet nobody would hire for things mundane due to his appearance. I listened closely to the news, and came to understand that this was a man looking for a second chance.Then I saw the intent behind his doing, and two words came to stick to my own thoughts. The first one was <> and the second one was <>. I was admired.
In analytical psychology I figured this man was the ESFP —the personality archetype related to the performer and the entertainer—, possessed in an abnormal way by the spirit by which a person submits to it's contrary nature, seeking to integrate and find fulfillment through the chase of what's perceived absent. If he was the ESFP then doing the flip by following the radial axis of each Jungian function in the stack towards their opposite resulted in the INTJ. The mastermind. The architect. The genius yet awfully complex individual. That was the elusive spirit he was chasing.
But a spirit and a character that at its most pronounced embodiment in a person, would experience life as an eternal foreigner hiding from the light of other men. Such made sense to me, for I myself was the INTJ, and had at spirit the ESFP. Him. So where as this man chased the spiritual fulfillment of being a complex and deep individual, I chased the fulfillment of becoming simpler, so I could demonstrate with action the deepest desires of my heart. One who was born plentiful in means to be liked, becomes complex, mysterious and uncomprehended, meeting one who will be seen trying to make sense becoming simpler. For Carl Jung portrayed the anima and animus of individuals, as the sense of what its absent, yet deeply cherished an valued. So I said these things to the alien, while he silently listened to me.
— All of that sounds like bullshit to me. -Said the alien after some contemplation .— Sorry but the things you say, don't mean anything to me.
And alas for I expected such response, as if one thing was true about this journey, was that explaining the journey in and of itself would become it's grimmest task. I affirmated what he just said with a slight nod of head.
— These things I say and how they relate to each other, in its excercise are similar to doing stecheometric balance with equations in the head, but simpler I'm afraid. - Then I paused, looked back into the sea, and continued. — That's high school chemistry, but I don't expect everybody to pick up on it, nor like it, nor understand it.
— Now i have called you a friend, and where I came from we dub with this title the people we share destiny with. As far as I'm concerned, we are chasing the same thing, which is the hardest posible thing. We both innately understand that we are not home, as we want our spirit to return to us, and that's not what a lot of people ever honestly try to attempt in a lifetime; as such is anyone's call to feel complete.
— And very few people ever reach true individuality, beyond the name they are imposed at birth.
Then I looked into the black alien, and in-between his foreign facial features, I interpreted something familiar. Disturbance. And I continued.
— We have given ourselves hell as we lived chasing something hard, so we can avoid the same hell later on when we are finally back to our own house. This is a christian precept, altought a rundimentary one. Does that makes sense to you?
And after listening such, the black alien calmly looked at the veil in my face in silence. Trying to discern what my face actually looked like, but the night was dark. Then turned his stare back to the reflection of the moon over the waters, giving some thought to what I just said. I opened up my backpack, and drawed two cans of beer from it. Offered one to him, and he silently refused with a gesture of hand. I popped my can and gave it a sip, while I myself stared at the tides coming in and out of the shore.
— If you wan't a tattoo, we can work that out. But this sounds annoyingly familiar, and my interest is not religious. Are you religious?
I nodded in affirmation, and complemented saying. — But my doctrine is something nobody has heard nor seen. For its aim, is doing as Christ said, in perfect means. Yet its true that the teaching fits you, as it's the teaching of the future man; and there's nothing in common between the current man and the future man, as they may very well be different species. This is the precept of evolution.
The alien seemed surprised.
— These two men don't know each other, for the current man doesn't know where the future man comes from, for he himself doesn't know where he is going. Yet in deep realization of your own artistic concept, I think you might want new ideas to meet with your appearance. So tell me, are you curious about what truly happens to a man after he dies? Do you want to learn how to read someone's mind? Do you want to blast with words of fire the hearts of an amazed crowd?
But the black alien broke his calm contemplation of what I was saying, and slighty disturbed, aggressively rebuked after hearing such.
— But you mentioned 'Christ', so you must be christian. How can a christian even say anything interesting in this current time? Last time I asked, their sayings were dreaded by restriction - so why would anyone condemn themselves to a life of bore? Are you a christian?
And I nodded after the question, in silence. Admittedly, for I knew what the problem was with being what I was, and my new companion was bang on identifying it. Made a pause, then raised my sight to where it met with the sky and the stars in it, and I said back to him.
— I am, but not one of a type you have ever seen, for the Christ that comes, is a Christ of art.
2.
The riptide sang, in its secret dialect of earth and sea. I looked upon the coast, turned an eye blind, and saw the ocean as the scorpio, and the land as the taurus; as it was the struggle between two lovers, never meant to consume each other. Ideal love then - yet not to confuse with this partnership as it was whimsilcally tied by the means in which i arranged my current conversation; for my lady somewhere waited for me. Then i allowed my eyes to rest still.
The alien looked upon me, undiscernable in my intentions, and again figured for himself that my interest towards him wasn’t clear. In suspicion, and after the moment he collected his thoughts asked “In your weird words you dubbed me performer, so what is it exactly that you wan’t from me. To me it seems like you are gathering people for some form of religious clown show. When you forced this meeting upon me, was this a proposal you thought i would find amusement in?”. And after the statement my own stare wandered in my conversation partner. While as he had his say, i returned to my can of beer, and finished it with a long gulp. Tempered in an unwillingness to fall to my new found friend irritation, i said within my own thoughts: “The alien looks easy going, but he is barbed in wit”.
Then i opened the can of beer that the stranger rejected; the loud pop resounded in the relative silence, interrupting for a moment the steady chorus of the sea. Gave it a long sip, and said.
– Theres no proposal in place yet. But im certain of something, and that is that both of us are messed individuals which reached the bottom doing the same thing - but the way my understandment of the human soul goes: two people can act by mere interaction as reactives to each other, creating a new chemical compound after the fact.
– This new psychology is very much like chemistry. But it is not my intention to draw you into something, but to pull myself out of this «something» by doing right on another person and maybe that person reflecting the good back on me. I just need a conversation partner, thats all. And i will do this with you, and with many people more. Presidents included.
The alien reflected on it, and after the hiatus of a long standing position of suspicion he finally gave in, and eased up with a slight smile. A strange smile of relief. But the smile, was all too familiar for me, as i realized the man was a tortured individual: a person in long standing pain. I smiled back the way he did, and continued.
– Our pain has a common name, and is a name that can be written with words unfortunately. It’s the devilish mother of all spiritual ills and its foundation, rests at the concept of a past that wasnt solved. It’s called «inadequeacy», and for people like you and me, understanding one day that such inadecuacy had to be solved by our own means, lead us into an act where our name changed as the changes in our cover up act to solve our inadequacy did.
– We never honored the past or the present in our pursuit, as we desired in passion to find solution to the present, by matching it into the idealization of some future without ever realizing that the old or present essence of ones being would be crushed into non existance by said future.
– Then we found the realization of that new name, only to understand that its demands became a tyranny on the other faces of our soul: as our soul is not something that can be undestood in unity, but something that conceives in the beginning in multiple things which try to give shape to one thing. Theres many people in a village, and our minds, are no exception.
— But happiness is only achieved by those who have their soul entire - or those who are the same person regardless of the context and scenario. And we gave to much to somebody that wasn't us, as our spirit took possession and lead us down.
– This is this the essence by which someone goes to hell, only to do one thing over again, getting an ever lasting pain for all the things that were given up chasing that which was absent. The more someone is forced into being shaped by the thing that was concevied in lust, the more the individual misses the place they used to call home, for that is no longer within ones reach. Does this makes sense to you?
The alien left me with no answer, and as he contemplated the sea, a tear travelled through his strange face.
– In this state of anguish, affliction rarely ever feels company, as the very individual condition that was pursued, became a full suit and persona to be forced upon and wear. Hell, is one lonely place man because we only learn to speak a language, that only makes sense to ourselves. But i think we can find a way out of it. This is why I'm here.
“Look, what you’ve done, it’s not something i can see the way you can see my own doing on me.” The alien replied. “Besides the way in which i canno’t see your face in this night, you seem ordinary — but what you talk and the way you say it, evokes in every word regret. What is it that you’ve done that has you regret like this?”
As the alien finished speaking, I emptied the can of beer, layed my eyes on the irregular grooves that my feet had left on the sand, and then replied back to him, after making a recap of the story i had repeatedly told myself after falling down.
“My story, is the fairy tale of a guy who makes way for the new coming of a new man; a better man for the world, while he casts disarray upon the earth: much to his dismay, at the expense of his own soul as the people who become victims of disasters, were ones who this man deemed unfair; cruel, evil, despicable in past. That was at the beginning."
"Theres a pile of corpses behind that character — even in covid time, people as close as the local priest of the small town he lived in, would break their neck after falling in the shower, as he had the slightest suspicion of their secret deeds. All clean deads for that matter. Untraceable to nothing but sheer randomness. Magic as it seeems. But were this folk truly evil people or even guilty of anything? You may ask - the man never knew it for sure, as he never had faculties such as godly omniscience to actually know it; which has taken a toll on him, as the burden of justice is an unberable one for anything but a god."
"Which leads to another point: spontaneously picturing random numbers in the head, associating them with psychological compounds by angular momentum, and actually being bang on the suspicion. Truth friend, in its stochastic presentation: it's unberable.”
“Consequential of such attempts to rationalize his own story in the eyes of people such as close family, my dude became clinically diagnosed with referenced thinking. Which are fancy words for schizophrenia. Nobody believed the story as it was uttered."
"Yet the consequences are there for everyone to see, altought not visible in their cause and effect by anybody but this guy, which lead him first into regret over ever starting his quest as a reformer; and then repent.”
“Now before he realized of this lets call it «curse», he preached for years over the internet as the disasters started to slowly creep up. He preached in a fashion parallel to Niestzches Zarathustra; Zarathustra meaning a famous philosophical device artificied by the philosopher Niestzche, who’s aim was to portray the best posible man, as something he dubbed the <<Übermensch>> ”.
“Such concept being the seemingly more elegant brand of a humanist ideal for a not so distant future: today - albeit a wrong one, for this guy was not dyonisian himself. The backbone of his framework, is analytical psycholgy becoming a chariot for a true understandment of human nature: and ultimately a facilitator for love within light: not within ignorance; not within darkness. Most philosophers today though would mock anything analytical in it's aim."
"Then on the guy preached and dwelved further into the relative hole of his own doctrine: and became imprisoned by what he didn’t got right at first attempt, making him in the process the character that Nietzsche from the comfort of his own writers seat, never attempted to actually embody within realistic means: eventually figuring out within himself the ultimate Nietzschean aristocrat: a magic pen granted by being capetian by mother: from judah by father."
"But Alas, you have no idea how common suicide is within philosophers after they finish their best work. As language, becomes the ultimate barrier for understandment, and then to ones capacity to feel love. Difference — true saliency in ones individual destiny— leads to the gravest posible pain. Ironic isn’t it?”
“Besides technical work with a new form of psychology inspired by analytical chemistry, as that drawed from his efforts during the light of day, five years ago, once he felt the urge to try to reach out to the world from a position of what he deemed was greater understandment: he primitively preached during night his new set of ideas for people to behave beyond the limitations of manipulative psychology, albeit a harsh doctrine meant to clear the way for a better product: Christ himself."
"This is not a doctrine a human being can actually perform, as such its christianity at its highest capacity to bear fruit. It’s an impossible doctrine, yet solves the oldest problem posed in the bible. All which sounds very sci-fi bullshit-y but actual problems started for the protagonist in this tale, when the preaching matched with terrible consequences. Not figurative, but within tangible reality.”
“So just as we talk, theres a small legion of hackers pretending to be doing internet social experiments while talking in an artsy matter: much in my own style, entertaining the exact same concepts - a legion of dangerous monkeys, i have no control over."
"One of the many unexpected consequences being this, yet prompted by something evil; ancient: essentially replicating what my protagonist developed and then preached over the years, while these "hacktivists" lay their attention on things and people, as they select them and enforce upon them strict surveillance, to behave properly. Then to destroy them, as they did in 2020 with many corporations and institutions.A bizarre combination of theater actors to my own liking, and then cyber-security demigods: omniscient in their claims to surveill, and they are - derivative such of another device of what I've done; which is to build a theater so people can make-believe that they are infact performing within themselves something greater - but that's matter for another story."
“Most of the corpses piling up flat out dead, have no relation to him whatsoever; they became victims as my protagonist took measures to fight back the monster he found at the foundation of the known world. This is not an elaborate analogy for one's own unseen capacity for evil, as i mean this: a monster as literally as it can be. For these things friend, im doomed as in true strenght, i have nothing but the pen i use to write down what i think albeit always at danger of it’s eventual inversion. I have no real friends left. Not one who can understand, or help bear the pain: as friendship and love are all gated by understandment."
"The full story has many more vertients, but i think i’ve done it enough justice. This is the predicament of an insane man chased by his own shadow as he builds a better man: one who delivers heavenly things, and then a shadow stringed to deliver tyranny as the very strings behind him make the better man stumble while he tries to keep a grasp of his own spirit, and then of his own soul."
"That monster behind, is wicked smart — and cannot be outwitted nor overpowered but anything but divine smite."
“I’m heading now to a new country, to try to get friends from the only institution in the world who knows and adresses the current times being, and who by extension, might believe me. And to clarify, these being the end of times; but not the end of the world. Yet now i myself have a damocles sword pending over my own head, and i need to do something about it before it falls.”
And as i said these things, i reached out to my backpack drawing a third can of beer from it — besides my own super laptop, thats what my backpack had: an infinite supply of beer. Corona, Indio, Victoria, Dos Equis, Heineken; you name it. I popped the can, and gave it a long and definite sip as i emptied it complete.
The alien didn't try to show that he understood, but stood still in silence, with his sight in the sand below and pressing lips, knowing by my demeanor; that these things as I've said them was something that I needed to do. Then he said: "I don't follow man. You say you preach and then disasters occur. Like a prophet from the bible?"
"Yes. Then I preached to get rid of the things that are actually making the world worse, and something awoke soon after, and since then; everything I do is subject to being misinterpreted due to the diffamatory action of this thing. Now everytime I do something, it can be twisted and turned against my original intent. Right now the hackers are my worst problem: I may have a degree in computers but I have no fucking idea whatsoever of hacking. I earn my living as an A.I engineer.".
The alien raised his sight to meet with mine, and after doing some contemplation on the fact, quite simply said: "You are insane". Then lowered his own sight, and raised it again to meet with the sea and continued. "If you want a tattoo, we can work that out. But either way and whatever parts of your story are true and even worse; the ones you may be lying about: you sound dangerous in a delusional kind of sense, and my life is hard enough as is."
I pressed my fists, knowing then the old same thing had happened again. For I had never forced anything upon anybody, and I was willing to respect that until the bitter end. Then I released the build up of frustration with a loud sigh, and after this amend, I replied back.
"I understand and respect it. But let me just propose you that if you ever want to figure what is beyond life as it's lived by person who has never seen what is like to be someone you write a great story about; you can pin me, and I'll show you what's beyond that door. Give it some thought."
The alien; The Black Alien Project stayed there sitting, spechless but calm, almost expecting something else to be convinced about. But pointless, for i knew that nobody can be forced into anything without bringing a transgression into play – and i wasn’t one to taint myself in sin if it could be avoided. Not anymore.
3.
I made the distance at steady pace walking along the shore, until i found a small group of pines in-between the liminal space of the beach and the land. I sat with one of the pines trunk behind my back, and drawed the Schizo Pills from my eternal supply of traveller goodies.
Quetiapine 100 mg, and Olanzapine 10 mg, i made a smaller fragment from the olanzapine pill, and swallowed both complete. As their side effects were concerned, they would soon knock me out of conscience, as this little ritual was my own way of calling the day complete – then i layed there, vigilant, waiting for my own drowsiness to claim me into sleep - but the Bird of Britan came flying from above, and stood besides me.
\Chirp, Chirp, Chirp**
I watched the bird, annoyed, as its presence had become an omen for contempt. For me and the death people of my past. I frowned upon the little shit, and said nothing. The bird made a little nod, while tilting its head in excentricity the way birds do, and replied. — Hey Andrew!, do you remember when you tried to penetrate your own computer to make a universe grow inside of it? I just wan’t to know something: did your computer moan? Did it finally learnt how to scream your name?
\Chirp Chirp**
Ignoring the bird, i closed my eyes and stayed like that for a long moment, hoping to make the bird think i was asleep. Maybe that would make him leave.
— Can’t bullshit me like that Sweetheart. So please tell me something; why don’t you command one of your supermodels; these muses, to come here and warm the bed for you. It's a cold night and you seem lonely brah
. \Chirp Chirp**
I opened my eyes, and irritated, pointed menacingly at the bird turning my left hand into an imaginary gun. I had already failed at something today, and wasn’t convinced i needed the memory of the things i failed at before. Not now.

• Hol’ up cowboy ! you wan’t to bang my bird ass when you should be banging a bitch ass. What happened with Tyrone huckleberry? Did you managed to make him as impotent as you are right now? —I held steady my hand; and tired, the tempation to pull again the trigger on the bird was growing larger. I saw red roses in my own sight, making a terrible omen for a migraine forthcoming. Said nothing.

— The glowniggers are out there brah. You may not be a hacker – and its true, but i took notice of your last words: so now the glowies are going to instead dreambooth* people into every posible kind of scenario of extorsion, while they surveil like a motherfucker. Like you dream boothed yourself for your little ahem "art project". Then we will use Suno*, then Sora* when it open sources. Are you going to protect your hoes?
Said nothing.

• Alright cowboy, i will give meaning to that revelations verse. What was it? Ah yes. Revelations 9:6. Every single person with an internet history will be as paranoid as you were in 2020. Everyone will be diffamated into acts of political terrorism! Aren’t you am-

And as i pulled the imaginary trigger from the imaginary pistol, an imaginary arrow in the sky descended with a blaze of not so imaginary flames on the Bird of Britain, engulfing the little shit in heat, and making it’s body explode into a gore of scorched viscera. As if the bird was in a microwave oven. I inmediately gasped as the explosion was too close from where i was sitting - after the conmotion, stared at the red and burned stain in the floor, and left my sight rest there, as sleep finally found its way into my restless thoughts.
"No longer care for love unless it's between good friends”. Said to myself. There was certainly a migraine coming, but maybe my dreams would help convince it otherwise. And as far as the hoes were concerned, Furious Angels would be there for them. Like the Rob Dougan song.
4.
Found my own mind after the slumber – asleep, then awake. I realized several hours passed - at least enough to wake up and witness the sun rise above the sea. But as for dreams, the light veil of their memories wasn't something to rely upon. But i did remember something, and it was some overtone in dread; an atmosphere of fear – and a kind of dread sustained in it’s inevitability by the urgency that builds upon dearth.
Now what exactly was it though? I couldn’t remember from my dreams, but ever since i falled to my own death i had always present in mind the future succesion of events that would follow when things started to go very wrong. Iran, the U.S, Israel - now whatever was it in the news; the outcome would be the same. A thousand more cuts to an already languishing economy. Make that corpse bleed, and then fall off a cliff.
As such things would be cooked, just as the bird of britain. The bird was still there though: just in pieces and roasted like the contents of a dropped KFC bucket would. But the little shit would return - as it always did. The economy? Not so much.
Yet i digress. None of the world circumstances mattered as far i was concerned – i had built a small and portable solar system to power my laptop, and my beer supply was well, infinite - i made myself sure that i had my needs covered whatever happened around me. Not tied to even a house for that matter. I incorporated myself and gave my back a stretch. The morning breeze coming from the sea evocated in my memories some time that had long passed – late childhood. I rejected those memories as they beared with them things i didnt wan’t to remember - then wen’t on as usual in my morning routine scrolling through my instagram feed, figuring if there were any new hoes to maybe motivate me into doing my God imposed labour.
Labour which was to either write, or to finish the House of Water — then after scrolling i did in fact saw a new hoe; i dropped a Faux Pas comment. Maybe she would play along, maybe not. Whatever. Sometimes I would put in a lot of effort to do a rhyme. But the effort depended on the insta-hoe in question. I know. Not the best of habits, but back in elementary school i was the kind of kid that would only get motivation when the girls in the classroom were present in physEd. And then i would run faster: whole lotta faster. Run Forrest! Run! Women love used to fuel me; and the habit sticked — and at the moment, i was kinda done with the idea of female trascendence. Would rely on their love, but not on their validation. Not like a simp. Fuck that.
Furthermore, what results did i demonstrably mustered after pursuing true egalitarianism and sharing it? Exactly. A bitch gonna do what a bitch gonna do, and so does the human female. After publishing the comment, I locked my phone and walked towards the highway, as i was planning to pay a visit to somebody long forgotten - I had kind of a schedule that i was going to follow, before taking the plane to Madrid and become hispanic Jon Snow from the walgreens Nightwatch.

So we recently got together it will be 2 months next week, he is the sweetest person I knew and he still is quite sweet. He had a crush on me for so long and finally, we got together because I lowkey liked him too because he was a nice guy very sweet. But now it had just been only 2 months in a relationship and technically he isn't putting any effort into us, if he is I think it's the bare minimum, like calling up and texting morning and night. It is always me initiating dates and even if I ask him to take charge like u pick where we go in the end it's just me planning. Fine not his cup of tea, but even tho he had a crush on me I'm the one more obsessed with him rn and his efforts aren't just matching. I showed him how I liked flowers he never got me any ... for our first month's anniversary I got him an artificial rose packed up and put a photo of us inside it, it wasn't even hidden if he looked at it once or twice he would notice but after 2 days when I told him did he even see the rose that's when he saw it and his reaction was a smile ( which is cute) and that's it.
even in the beginning of the relationship, there were certain things we set one of it was to not to talk to a girl for more than 5 min and this guy 2 weeks in is talking to her on the phone and telling me 3 days later and saying convincing me that he had told me same day which he didn't, and secondly only after me crying and communicating with him did he block her. note- he does tend to forget stuff that's why I'm not holding him accountable but at the same time him forgetting stuff related to me makes me sad. Yes, we have talked about it and he gets upset at himself (because he does like me ) for forgetting stuff.....it still hurts? not just about material things that he doesn't get me stuff I know that's my way of showing love, but there are certain things I like when he does them and he stops like hand placement I told him I like it this way which he was doing unconsciously otherwise, after telling him I liked it he stopped? Plus we talked more about such stuff which I like but he stopped doing that as well.
The thing is he does stuff what I tell him to - do this! then he'll do it. But if I say I like this, he won't notice. I want him to u know notice stuff about me as well without me commanding him to do things for him... Does he not feel like doing it on his own.
I mean I am currently only thinking about how both of us are not matching up in this aspect.....
I know I have high expectations from our relationship am I being too harsh on him ? I don't know how to deal with this... I can see it's not going to go far this relation that is if this keeps up. Help me out peeps
note- I have talked about this with him and he said I will remember things about you and continues to forget then I try to communicate again and seeing him get disappointed with himself makes me feel sad so I don't pursue it further

(TW talks of OCD, CPT, CS*, emotional ab, perv, dysph*) SFW, censored trigger words
Please delete if not allowed. This is my experience and I'm just ranting. I'll probably just delete this later if it stays up. I'm hoping that someone with similar feelings will comment their experience or something. Thank you.
I'm gonna start off by saying I'm a young female cashier and I look a little strange (piercings, androgynous, plus size, red hair) to people in my small town. I also have severe OCD.
When mothers and their kids come up to me to be checked out I feel the mothers staring daggers at me. It's not every mother. I've noticed that more alternative mothers seem to love talking to me and love for me to engage with their children for their social development. I don't have any children in my life and when I have a fulfilling interaction with a mother and her children it gives me a boost. All of a sudden I want to get pregnant and be a kindergarten teacher. That I'm not as creepy as some people lead me to believe.
When the overprotective mothers stare daggers it makes me feel like scum. Like I'm a gross and stupid cashier. I'm lower class. I'm too ugly and immature to get married and have kids. That I'm a creep. I'm scared to engage with their children and find myself ignoring the kids even though they obviously crave social interaction with strangers. I feel bad for the rest of the day for not waving back or not saying hello.
My exes mom was weird about her kids, too. I would go to their house to hang out with my ex and his younger brothers and sister would want me to go to their room and look at their new toys. They would beg me to spend time with them. I didn't see a problem or a boundary that would be crossing, except for the fact that it was 'bedtime' on a Friday or Saturday night. (They were adopted by my exes mom because they went through it.) I would go to their room and hang out around bedtime to play toys with them, sing songs, and tuck them in. The mom would come into the room and get passive aggressive with me telling me it was bedtime, and that im not allowed in their room. I was under the impression that I was going to be their sister-in-law one day. I loved this guy. When he broke up with me he told me that his mom thought I was a p******** and that he felt the same way. (He just wanted an excuse to break up with me and not feel bad for a**sing me.)
You should always listen to a mother's intuition, right? Well, I have severe OCD so I started hating myself.
When people have expectations for me I usually fulfill them. You become your thoughts and fears. When someone has the feeling that I'm a creep, I pick up on that and fulfill it unconsciously. I can't help it. I start to smile funny, I look at kids weird, i get nervous and sweaty, and i get intrusive thoughts. It makes me want to never have kids or even look at a child. I start to respect the imaginary boundary as if I'm a pert, but that lady probably thinks that everyone that isn't a 'normal' woman is a pert that wants to hurt her kids.
There's a regular customer that has a lot of kids and she's very friendly. I've known her for a long time being her cashier at multiple stores in this small town. I even watched her oldest grow up before my eyes. I don't think they remember me, though. Her youngest daughter will start doing tiktok dances while they wait in line and it makes me so nervous. I want to watch her dance because why not. Being a cashier isn't very exciting so when someone starts busting a move in your peripheral you'd want to see it. I feel like I have to force myself to not watch her dance because I feel that I would make me look creepy. It makes me nervous and sweaty and I want to run away. I feel like trash for the rest of the day. I really want to watch her and smile. I want to tell her "omg you are so good that you could be in a music video one day. You should go to dance classes.. etc". I am neurodivergent and usually when I say stuff like that and engage with people on a personable level I get strange looks, so I hold off and end up just staring and smiling, and probably looking creepy.
This isn't just a one-off thing. It happens frequently. One time a toddler made a fart noise at me and I said "excuse you" and giggled and the mother started coddling her child like I was scaring him instead of giggling along with me. I expected a "oh he found out he can make that noise and won't stop" kind of thing but no she instantly saw me as a threat.
I was always under the assumption that strangers also play a big role in a child's social development. Waving and saying hello. Asking about their day. If they have a toy with them ask them what the toys name is and all that. No matter what the stranger looks like, you should always respect them until they disrespect you. It's not nice to stare without saying hello... etc.
I've noticed it's mostly millennial moms that act like that. They act like everyone is a threat. They under-socialize their kids and it makes them turn to attention-seeking behaviors. My cousins are like this and when they bring their kids around they don't want me there. I'm kind of a black sheep in my extended family because I'm not a conventional woman. I want to talk and hang out with their kids and I want to babysit. I just want experience with kids.
I dont know if this has anything to do with it but the people that raised me are my then-hyperindependant mom who was never around, my alcoholic grandma, and my lesbian aunt. When my sister was a toddler I was becoming a teenager. My mom is emotionally unavailable so I didn't have that connection with my sister. I was afraid to hold her or hug or kiss her when she most needed it and I regret it so much. I feel that my mom was the same towards me at that age.
I have so much love in my heart that I come off as overbearing, and I cry over almost every positive interaction I have with other women. I feel like I can't be friends with mothers because I'm just not on the same wavelength. I fear that I am not childfree by choice because I am still so young, but due to my mental health I will be childfree forever, even if I want a child someday, due to my severe OCD.