So just recently I had to leave my job. I was a cleaner for a company who never valued me and I felt like I was back at high school. I was getting bullied all the time, she put me on schedule for 12 hour shifts on top of that I had college classes after work. I was normally working 8am to 7pm and I couldn't find any work and my boss was talking to me one day and basically body shamed me and called me a terrible worker. I got so fed up I quit without notice. I couldn't stand going home crying everyday from being exhausted and drained from so much negativity.
I thankfully had some money from my birthday and then money I saved but it was only enough for one month. I normally help my mom with 800 a month, and my phone 90$ a month, my car 441$ a month and then just gas and groceries. so I'm trying to find something on the side to do like maybe DoorDash or anything just to get money coming until I find another one. I made pretty good money but it wasn't enough. And then I ask my man if he could help me with my car insurance and he says yeah I got my own priority's so no.
I always help him with gas money, I give him money for food I'm always giving him money. I literally was being a sugar mommy to him when I did have a job. He never had money. He always spent his paychecks and never had enough for gas until his next paycheck and it was a cycle over and over. And when he quit his job I helped him with everything and told him to not worry. But now when I'm in this situation he's not there. He told me he hast to pay for school, insurance, phone bill, and gas. He spent have insurance for his car and he hasn't for 3 months and hasn't made that a priority unless I need something.
He hasn't been in school. He has a fine he hast to pay bo he got dropped from his classes, another thing he hasn't been worried about at all. And then he already payed his phone bill this month so l was confused. His last paycheck he went to the mall and bought a new Xbox controlle chain, a watch, and then went and got his hair done fu 150. let me remind u l'm upset bc I help this man out like I'm his mother. If I didn't help him out so much I wouldn't care what he does with his money. But the fact that I struggled and made him #1 priority when he needed it on top of what I had to do and now he's treating me like this when I need help is making me not want to be with him. but he told me it's my fault I quiet and I did this to myself and I could have worked there until I found another job and it's not his problem.
Pleas someone give me there honest opinion on how you would feel if this was you or what I should do going forward. And let me tell u he just payed his moms car bill for her right before my b day so he couldn't get me anything for my birthday. But that's a whole other story. I'm just frustrated and need some guidance. I would like to hear other people's thoughts on this because I'm starting to feel defeated

I made this killer to be like the Wolf (aka Death) from Puss in Boots: The Last Wish. I did my best to mimic the Wolf, and also used some ideas from the Doctor and other killers.
Death - The Wolf
“Death comes for us all.” Death is the ultimate end for all mortals. But there has been a group of people who kept getting revived again and again by the arrogant Entity. Fed up with this lack of value for life and death, the Wolf enters the Entity’s realm. There, he finds the people locked in an endless cycle of being hunted, killed, and revived. Now, Death is upon them. Not metaphorically, or rhetorically, or poetically, or theoretically, or any other fancy way. This is death. Straight. Up.
Now, he will claim them. But after he has some fun and teach everyone to fear him.
Weapon: Sickles
Movement Speed: 115%/ 4.6 m/s
Terror Radius: 40m
Height: Tall

Special Ability: Death Whistle
The Wolf can whistle its tune which will inflict Fear status effect to all survivors in a 32 meter radius. The wolf can choose to play up to two verses of the tune consecutively to give one tier of Fear per verse. The wolf cannot move during each 10 second verse.

Special Affliction: Fear
“I just love the smell of fear!”
A tier for Fear is given when the survivor is caught in a verse of the whistle or struck by the wolf’s blade. Fear can only be removed by either being hung or by the special interaction: Therapy
Tier I: Upon receiving this affliction, Survivor’s aura will be visible for 15 seconds. Skill checks have a 33% of being madness skill checks. Will always hear heartbeat.
Tier II: Upon receiving this affliction, Survivor’s aura will be visible for 20 seconds. Skill checks have a 66% of being madness skill checks. Will always hear heartbeat. Occasionally, a picture of their life will flash in vision.
Tier III: Survivor enters Panic Attack state for 30 seconds. During this time, survivor will be locked in a running state in first person view, always hear the heartbeat, have aura visible for the full duration, and have several hallucinations of Illusionary Wolves. Survivor is unable to use items, fix generators, or interact with items other than windows and pallets. At the end of the 30 seconds, Panic Attack ends and Survivor returns to Tier II Fear.

Special Interaction: Therapy
When a survivor has at least one tier of Fear, another survivor can treat that survivor to reduce the fear by one tier.

Special Locomotion: Dash
The Wolf bounds 10 meters. It can only be used once, and the cooldown is 10 seconds.

Perks
Death Counter: Each time a survivor dies, a token is added on.
· Ability cooldowns have a stackable 10%/20%/30% decrease
· Reduces time to vault Window to 1.48/1.275/1.07 seconds
· Increases lunge range by setting attack open time to 0.6/0.7/0.8 seconds

Pick. It. Up.: When a survivor is reviving a down survivor, it starts with a difficult skill check. Failure will cause down survivor to scream giving away location.

Bien! Muy bien!: Whenever the killer is struck with a pallet, for 10 seconds, movement speed is increased by 20% and a strike will be an instant down.
Add-On
Hood & Cloak: When the Wolf looks down, he has the Undetectable effect. The Wolf can move, but looking down obviously means limited vision.

Knuckle Duster: It takes just 1 second to break pallet or damage gens. The Wolf cannot lunge.
Sweet Release: Denying the Entity its food, the Wolf shall claim what’s his. The Wolf will not hook survivors. Instead, he will Mori the survivor if that survivor was inflicted with a Tier III Fear at some point. Mori will grant 2500 blood points.

Mori: Last Fight
When survivor is within 14 feet in front of the Wolf, the Wolf strikes up walls of fire that surrounds the survivor before delivering the final strike.

Someone asked about reasons for my ED and it got me thinking. This post is way too long for a comment so I’ve made it a post. It is probably very triggering as it’s about my eating disorder also mentions sexual assault, self harm and suicide.
I was a gymnast 16-20 hours a week, I could eat what I wanted and stay thin. I think it started around 14. A group of girls I use to hang around with at lunch time didn’t eat lunch, it never occurred to me I could do that. Soon turned into one meal or no food, plus 3-4 hours of intense exercise. I liked the way it felt. To have my uniform hang off me, the lightness. I felt small and hidden. I was very shy, hardly ever spoke and just wanted to fit in, luckily I was never bullied (not by my peers at least, the emotional abuse at home was horrendous). The thinner I got, people started gravitating towards me and I didn’t even realise, I never had many friends before that. But I was also still anxious, I didn’t feel good enough at gymnastics. I was scared of failure, especially at school. I wanted to be perfect. I think hitting puberty was also a reason, I hated having breasts and hips they made my leotard feel too revealing. I found my period inconvenient, I wanted it to stop. I remember changing for PE and wanting to hide my body. But I look back at photos and I was skeletal. I think I also liked the attention which I didn’t get at home, it was more just looks from teachers, they never said anything but they were kind to me. But in my head I thought maybe if I get really skinny, they’ll like me, talk to me. I loved Matilda as a child and wanted a mom like miss honey, to show affection and love me lol. Ahh that’s sad. I didn’t feel loved by my parents.
Things broke down at home even more, it had been a messy divorce and constant custody issues with my parents since I was 4, my dad was going through his second divorce now and blamed his kids, me. One night he was drunk/high and he became violent. I think that broke a part of me.
I was one of the older girls at gymnastics by now (15-16) I felt huge compared to most of the younger girls and my focus was on the older ones, who were very thin and delicate. I never felt delicate, just massive. Looking back there were girls bigger than me, strong beautiful women. I also didn’t have the energy and said I wanted to focus on school, which I guess had some truth, so I quit. By now I was being asked what I wanted to do for a career. I had no idea. I never thought about the future but a science teacher suggested medicine. I enjoyed science the most so went with it. Grades were very celebrated in my family and being praised felt good, I didn’t want to let anyone down.
Quitting gymnastics meant I could no longer eat as much, I wasn’t exercising as much, right? So I would go days without eating but I would still exercise, go for long runs at night. I started abusing laxatives at this time because I had started binge eating. Then I started college, I was drunk and carried off by a man and SA’d. I had been assaulted before as a child but that didn’t seem to affect me at the time. I didn’t even realise until I was older. I told a councillor and she said you got drunk and regretted it. It was my fault, I thought, I was drunk. But I told him to stop. He physically carried me to secluded place. I remember reaching to grab someone’s hand and they giggled. I started self harming, it became an addiction. I would cry all the time, argue with my mom. I remember being hit over and over by her and dissociating for the first time, it was so scary (and crazy to think about, we would argue about absolutely nothing, she was so horrible when I was a child and I have no idea why). I got kicked out a few times. I was spiralling, past abuse came to the surface and nothing made sense, I think this was the first time I wanted to die at 16. I drank and slit my wrists. But it wasn’t deep enough. I can’t remember what happened after, my mom never found out. My goal was to get to university so I could move out. I would go through periods of recovery, eating normal, especially over breaks from school when I was home all the time with my sister and mum. But at school, I still skipped breakfast and lunch, I spent all my free time in the library hiding from groups of people. People that would be eating. I was withdrawn.
I made it to university, I didn’t get into medicine. I had the grades but got no offers at first. Then I received an interview shortly after results were published (usually interviews are offered before finals and based on the condition you get the grades needed). This was my one shot. Unfortunately, I had a panic attack in the interview and left. I went with my second choice instead, no interview was required. I felt like a failure. I had failed. Living alone (away from parents) meant my ED was in full force now. I could avoid eating all together, I could binge and purge whenever and self harm. I remember my flatmate asking me one drunken night about an entire tub of ice cream that had gone and I told her. Her response was you’re not that skinny so it’s okay. I was shook, lol. I had terrible anxiety, which just got worse. I struggled to make friends. Lectures made me panic, too many people. I saw a doctor for depression/anxiety but avoided telling them about my ED, I didn’t want them to make me stop. I tried medication but it just got worse, I said my goodbyes but was then taken to the hospital. I was referred to a psychiatrist who told me I had BPD. I started stronger medication, antipsychotics and they really messed me up. I got worse, withdrew from all friendships (they always wanted to go out and eat or drink, but that was too many calories). I threw myself into studying and passed all my exams. I was never overweight or underweight during this time (compared to my gymnast days) but my eating was very disordered.
Back home, again. Struggling to get a job because interviews made me panic, how am I meant to say you should pick me, when I feel like shit? I would overdose a couple more times (I don’t know how I’m here), got treated in the hospital, all without nobody knowing. I would overdose and then go to work like nothing happened. I still felt like a failure, I wasn’t using my degree. Life felt empty, boring. What was the point? I had to do this for another 50+ years? No thank you. Tried all kinds of medications but nothing seemed to work or I would gobble them all up and then not have anymore so would just have to withdraw. I finally got a job with my degree but was so depressed, I stopped going, I didn’t get out of bed. I had an argument with my mom, I got kicked out and overdosed in my car. I was vomiting the pills up (they were so bitter) and was taken to hospital after talking to a suicide hotline. This was the first time she found out. I moved in with my brother and felt insanely guilty, a burden on him. He had a daughter too, my niece, and I didn’t want to affect her. He is so kind, I remember him making tea for me and my niece and there were no arguments at the dinner table. He is very athletic/health conscious too, and didn’t have any binge foods around the house. I never b/p during this time but still restricted. I managed to get myself together and got a job. It was the first job I could hold down. I saved up and got my own place. I stayed in that role for 7 years. I did have times when I would relapse binge-purge-restrict but I truly think that job saved my life in a way. I felt valued, I was helping other people. I opened up to my coworkers a little and they shared their experiences with SA and eating disorders (I never told them about mine, I couldn’t talk about it, but they helped me so much by being open and kind). A coworkefriend once told me how I looked so much healthiehappier now and that I was too thin when I started (it didn’t trigger me, she was being nice). She probably doesn’t remember but she had noticed. Sure my family was always commented how I was skinny, but nobody else ever said anything. Someone had noticed.
I recently looked at some old photos from Covid times and was shocked how swollen my cheeks and face was. I went through a period of being very bulimic. b/p every day (I would puke into a bucket in the shower until it was almost full) a particularly low point was when I was actually b/p at work or in public toilets. It has always been something I’d done at home. I was still depressed. Eventually, I started looking into psychedelics and it did help a little however things were bad where I lived, my neighbours were bullying me over parking, which just escalated for no reason, they would spit on my door and damage my car, which affected me quite a bit. Other neighbours had moved out because of them. After Covid, I moved into my car. It was cramped lol. I moved back to my mums after a panic attack. I remember going to a hen do with my friends from high school. Alcohol and not being able to relate to any of them (and being back home) triggered me badly. I overdosed. My mom found me and called the ambulance. I remember the paramedics gasping at my body, I was bones and felt proud about it. I escaped the hospital and carried on. I did see another psychiatrist who I told about my ED. The medical notes make me laugh, I told her my weight as being *KG I have no idea why or what I weighed, I’m 5’7 and she comments something like ‘unlikely, pt wearing baggy jumper, eating disorder’ ah confirmation at last. It’s not in my head?
Found myself a new place and here I am. I haven’t b/p for 3 years now, I’m 30, but I have taken up smoking and barely eat. Im struggling to find joy in anything lately. Talking to other people is hard. My weight is dropping fast and that feels good. I think I’m always a bit curious how much I can lose, sometimes I just seem to ‘recover’ and eat relatively normal. I still feel like a failure and unloveable/unlikeable. I don’t have any friends (there are people who talk to me but I never know why, I think I fear rejection and being hurt). I just don’t feel connected to anything except my ED, it’s the only thing that comforts me. I haven’t been intimate with anyone since being SA’d and just feel too embarrassed about it, embarrassed about my body in general, if I’m a normal weight I feel too fat, if I’m underweight I feel too boney. The worst part is that people are so much nicer to me when I’m restricting. It fucks with my head. I’m just kind of waiting to die in a way, I don’t feel sad about it. It’s easier to carry on doing what I’m doing than to attempt again. I’m scared it won’t work or I’ll end up in a worse position. I also don’t want to upset my family.
Idk maybe you can relate? Does any of this make sense. I’m not very articulate sorry, but that felt good to get off my chest.

In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love

In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love

If it is assumed that Ti (something quantitative ie. it is a means to an end, and not the objective) corresponds to the internal arrangement of the various constituents of food, and the formed combination, then this combination must await Fi (qualitative, the desired end, the objective) approval in the sense of taste in order to be of any value.
Ti is the quantitative of Fi, just as physical (a thing) is the quantitative aspect of the spiritual (ie. its attributes; the color, texture, shape, density etc. of a physical thing is its spiritual counterpart; the spiritual expresses through the physical and makes it look like what it is).
The spiritual (Fi) must find expression in the physical that has being constructed (Ti), the food must taste good. In other words, Ti is a means to an Fi end which must be good, it must measure up to Fi values in order to not be considered unworthy. For example, much of logical analyses or philosophical argumentation is in the end negligible Ti, if it does not align with the Fi values and spiritual laws under which the universe operates.
Fi (taste) sanctions Ti (hardwork of cooking, for that matter), if Fi does not approve the Ti, the various ingredients and its combination, and the time taken to prepare such is ultimately counted as rubbish.
The process, effort, and time invested loses all value if taste does not approve of its product. The sense of taste (Fi) does not consider the individual worth of the constituents, its complexity nor its seemingly coherent combination (Ti) in food. Likewise, Fi does not look into the veracity of each logical premise of an argument, or the scrutiny of Ti with which it analysed. Fi looks at the final outcome of Ti, and passes judgement based on its own internal compass of what is of worth and what is not of worth.
One’s physical ambition (which is the means to something, ie. Ti) needs to satisfy true spiritual aspirations (the goal and the purpose behind such effort, ie. Fi). If there was no spiritual aspiration for the physical toil, then it is as if the painstakingly prepared food had no good taste.

Hey all. I have a 16-17 year old female cat that was urinating outside of her litter box for about a week so I got her into the vet. The first visit, they did a full panel of bloodwork and urinalysis. The results of concern are as follows:
SDMA - 19 (High) BUN - 51 (High) Creatinine - 1.3 (normal) Phosphorus - 5.6 (normal) Total T4 - 6.4 (High - were given hyperthyroid diagnosis)
Urine SG - 1.015 (low) WBC - 30-50/HPF (high) Bacteria - Moderate
After these results came back, the vet basically said they want/need to correct the UTI before any treatment plan is established so I took her in for a Convenia shot and we waited 2 weeks. I took her back in for another urinalysis and bloodwork, and her results are as follows:
SDMA - 18 BUN - 59 Creatinine - 1.5 Phosphorus - 4.9
Urine SG - 1.013 WBC - 10-15/HPF RBC - 15-20/HPF Bacteria - None Seen Amorphous Urates and non-crystalline debris present
After talking with my vet on the phone today, they say that they want me to bring her back to collect/do a Urine Culture to see if any bacteria was missed since there are ‘inflammatory cells’ in her urine. They said they want to see if that’s the reason her SDMA and BUN are high.
I do have experience in human medicine, and to me it seems strange to do a urine culture with these results. I assume the blood in her urine is from the collection method given that there were no RBCs in her urine at the first collection. I asked why they would want another collection for culture after having no bacteria, and they told me it was because her Urine SG was low so the urine was likely diluted and the bacteria could have been missed by the lab.
If the infection was bad enough to cause her SDMA and BUN to be consistently elevated and show no improvement, wouldn’t there still be considerable bacteria and more WBCs in her urine to the point where it wouldn’t be just missed? If it was the infection causing elevated values, would they have improved at least to a small degree along with the bacteria and WBC results? Isn’t consistent low Urine SG alongside these other results indicative of CKD? During my phone call, they never mentioned CKD and only suggested that this was a lingering infection that they need to get to the bottom of.
I was frustrated and called back and asked if this could be CKD, and they said yeah it could but we need to rule out the infection as the reason for her SDMA and BUN for being high. I asked if I should start new food for CKD and they said yeah that’s probably not a bad idea. I’m just confused as to what point they would accept the urinalysis results and blame CKD for the low urine SG rather than dilution from increased water intake.
Why am I prodding for diagnosis and treatment on this? Am I being unreasonable? This is a big financial strain on me for them to refuse to diagnose from these results and insist on me coming back weekly for more testing and making me spend $200-300 per visit, while not even mentioning CKD until I brought it up. They still haven’t given me the option/guidance on starting thyroid treatment as they said to just wait until the urine infection is squared away.
Any advice? Are they doing the right thing? Should I find a new vet? Am I just overwhelmed by facing a diagnosis and getting frustrated?
Thanks in advance!

Welcome to Infinity Isles, your new Minecraft adventure awaits!
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Mostly vanilla with quality-of-life enhancements (no mob griefing, limited TNT duping, one-person sleep, etc.)
Engaging features like Dynmap for easy navigation and frequent End resets for fresh explorations
Head Database (HDB) for donators & supporters, offering in-game ranks, Discord perks, and access to a vast head database (/hdb)
Our community thrives on mutual support and camaraderie. From helping each other in builds to lively discussions on Discord, we're a tight-knit family eager to welcome new faces. Join our active voice chats or simply enjoy the game chatbox - the choice is yours!
Ready for the next Minecraft update? So are we! Our border might be cozy now, but with 1.21 around the corner, we'll expand horizons and embrace new adventures together.
Come, be part of Infinity Isles, where every block holds a story, and every player adds to the legend. Apply today and let's craft unforgettable memories!
Apply Here: https://discord.gg/mAZRy5vvGn

(Long AF, please be patient)
Hey people, just found this community and I really need some place to talk with people that understand me (hopefully). Don't worry, I'm not going to end myself or anything (despite the title).
22 M living with my parents. I'm brazilian so the whole "get out when you are 18" isn't a thing around here. My parents are both from the 60's so old fashioned would be an understatement.
Do you people also stay locked in your room form majority of the day? Because I do. I work fully home office in a company so I have the "best" excuse.
My mother ALWAYS was very very controlling. While in school, always wanting to know what I did in class, how was my day, the name of my friends, etc. But ok, that wasn't that bad. When I started college (2020 🤡) she wanted to know everything also. I studied in the morning, they would pick me up because I still didn't had a car license and getting the bus was a "little" dangerous because of, well, 🇧🇷. And they would always say "why you need to stay on the campus?? We are not going to get you in the middle of the afternoon because of traffic" or some BS. Then came the pandemic, only got worse. My father on the political side, denying the vaccines, my mother completely paranoid with the virus (kinda of understandable) and my sister who married and got out of the house a few years back debating 24/7 with my dad because she is from the health area.
Always that I do something out of the ordinary she just makes as I've killed a person. Such drama. Now I just said to her I'm traveling with my GF to a nearby city and she went "OMG We can't catch a break, when we think everything is OK you do this" and just shut her face off as someone in the family just died or something. And yes, she refers to herself as "we". No, she isn't non binary or anything, I just think she has such a weak mind that can't say "I don't like it".
Why? Because she says the road is dangerous to there (it isn't). Bro I have my license for almost 3 years now, and rode about 30.000Km and a few trips with different cars. I know how to handle myself. She doesn't trust me. She doesn't like if I do anything that she doesn't agree or think "is right". She asks me constantly about my GF and her family, my friends, my coworkers, EVERYTHING. You know why? Because if I say to her "Xavier likes coffee". If I ever say something "Xavier brought his tea bottle today" MONTHS later she will say "what, I was thinking Xavier only liked coffe?"
I have the feeling she wants to know where single thing so she always has something to spit on my face and tell me I'm wrong. Bro, on her BIRTHDAY, we went to a restaurant and I ordered some fried shrimp (the price of regular two plates) because we like as a family but my parents love sea food. I paid it. I'm not kidding, she went about 3 weeks saying stuff like "...I have a rich son that work's at ____" because I bought some shrimp.Just because one time I got my GF to some nice restaurants she does the same. As if I was paying 1000$ per plate. And she talks with so much irony that honestly, doesn't even make me mad anymore. Just sad.
The problem is: I can't go out. I can't get out of my house. The car is mine but if I wanted to sell it to have some cash to start financing a home (don't want to because the car is one of the only forms of freedom I have) I can't. Because the car "is mine". The documents are on my name but you know how it is. They paid for it, it's theirs. Even if legally speaking isn't. Housing is so fucking expensive. Even the first payment (we call it here "Entrada") generally speaking is 20% of the total value of the house, then you finance it for 15,20,30 years depending on your situation). And yes, you can pay that years and years before 30.
The thing is, 20% for a house nowadays in my city in around 50K (300K apartment). My wage is 2,5K/month. How on earth can I do this? Simple, I can't. The only cheaper alternatives are on another cities which is a problem because of my university and job (hybrid).
So here I am, wanting love from my parents, wanting to love them but I can't. My dad is awesome for fixing my car, fixing things around the house, helping me with cosplays. My mom cooks like a chef, I'm little sick now and she went to the market I bought the ingredients that I like for today. But man, that emotional hole, hurts so much.
Yes, their love language is acts of service (both) towards me and my sister but you know, that doesn't compensate. I would rather have a "less loving family" for a more compressible and engaged. In the pandemic I wanted a drumkit, a distant dream. My father built a fucking soundproof studio inside my bedroom and bought me a used drumkit. Best dad ever right?
Yeah, but he also complains about the noise to the neighbors every time that I played and said I could only play until 6pm. Bro the studio is literally SOUNDPROOF. You can only hear a faint sound in the kitchen (right below) because the floor isn't as well isolated. The problem isn't the neighbour. The problem is that they know I'm playing so that troubles them.
My mom said to me "Why won't you sell this drum? You don't even play anymore" well because I'm fucking depressed that's why. She could so much say to me "look, you look sad, why won't you go and play a little? Might cheer you up" or something. Boy I would kill to get this type of love from them.
Everything became "formal". You know, I don't think they love me anymore. They treat me as I was an enemy that wants to spend all my money on futile shit and think the world is all sugar and rainbows. I can't even fake an I love you.
I saw a very pretty quote on Instagram about being a dad, a nice text to send to your old man. But I simply can't. I can't. I want so much because I know they'll be gone "soon" and I want to have pictures. Learn recipes, more about cars and motorcycles. But everything I do is wrong, I'm a dumbass, I'm spending money just on wrong things.
Bro, I wanted freedom. They stared giving me guilt trips.
I didn't want no contact with them, just wanted "go traveling son, go search the unknown, if it ever goes south, you have where to return". No. All they do is shame me for it.
I wanted to do my birthday with my friends in my house. My mom said no. Bro??? But she says going out is "expensive" so How the fuck am I supposed to act?
Sorry for the venting guys, I used the support flair because I hope someone reads this and can identify, and teach me something.

Starting to debunk 🔥 

End of the debunks 

My version of episode 8
The episode starts with a flashback of yue.. she is a child who's playing with other children and finds an injured baby sea lion. She tries to heal it but it doesn't seem to get better. She takes the baby sea lion to the oasis and puts it in the scared water and tries to pray to ocean and moon spirit to heal her.. she hears the whispers "heal" and follows the instruction and uses healing ability to heal the sea lion and it helps.. her friends witness this and they tell their elders about this. Everyone realizes that yue is blessed with special healing abilities, and only she can heal something serious in the scared oasis hence she is hailed as the priestess of the northern water tribe.
We cut to the present and we see her walking with sokka in the hallways of the town hall talking about stuff like how she feels connection to every waterbender and how the full moon makes her feel more alive than ever.. she talks about mystical stuff such as spirits and spirit world and how some spirits are dangerous while some are essential for life. Sokka compliments her and tells her her blue eyes feels so bright and entrapping. As both come closer to each other surt falls on them.. sokka recognises the danger and says ' they will be here soon'.
We cut to katara secretly training in a cave with some young waterbenders.. they taught her some drills which strengthened her basics and she developed new techniques while she teaches them the moves she created on her own. Aang is there but he's busy amusing some of the children student and he's not a great waterbender himself. Katara shows concern to aang telling him he needs to learn and show some progress. Aang shows a worried look and agrees with her as they position themselves to began the training the snow falling outside the cave turns dark. Confused everyone steps out and sees the surt. while most of them are unaware, just like sokka katara recognises the incoming danger and takes aang back to agne quela. The chief gather everyone in the hall and tells them about the imminent war and asks for volunteers to enlist. Sokka stands up fast and moves forward to receive the mark of soldier while aang, katara and yue look with concern. Sokka tells them he needs to prove himself to be a real warrior and that will happen only when he tests himself in the battlefield. Aang and katara assures sokka he doesn't need to prove anything but he insists.
Scene cuts to fire nation navy ship scouting for any incoming danger in the fog and spots appa incoming, alerting the ship but it's no use as the trio of aang, sokka and katara easily defeat everyone and disable the ship and it's weapon, as they ride Appa out of it and reach the clear sky, they get the view or the entire fleet that's heading to the city.. they quickly retreat to the city and inform them, aang hopelessly falling on his knees and starts to profuesly apologise that he's sorry he's not prepared for this. The chief assures him his spirit along with ocean and moon spirit will ensure the victory of the tribe, no matter the cost.
Scene cuts to the ships of fire nation where Zhao discusses the attack plan with iroh. He tells him that the geographical challenges in invading the north pole are immense but they can be bypassed by using different ways of travel. Iroh looks with confusing so Zhao shows him the air balloon being prepared to which Iroh questions his motive. Zhao tells him in order to win this war he needs to disarm the water tribe, completely and it's entirely possible because there's only one entity in the world that carries the power of bending for all waterbender and it's the moon spirit. Iroh questions feasibility of this plan and how Zhao plans to find the spirit and kill and how killing it is possible. To which Zhao replies that he came across some scrolls that he found in the library that he found during his serving in desert and the guardian spirit went to spirit world so he scoured entire library looking for ways to weaken other nations but only found fire nation and water tribe weakness. He dismisses the fire nation weakness saying that it's important that information dies with him for the safety of fire nation but every full moon, the spirits dance in the reflections of sacred places. He reveals a dagger, which he retrieved from roku's temple that Roku has collected over his life. The dagger belonged to avatar kuruk and has special abilities to bypass any spiritual barrier and kill any spirit because it is made from the bone of a lion turtle. Kuruk crafted this weapon in order to fight the dark spirits and he needed a weapon that could kill any spirit without resistance. This worries Iroh and questions zhao's motives and the implications that would arise with the death of moon spirit. Zhao dismisses it but Iroh doesn't push his luck so he can join him and act when he needs to. The scene cuts to iron explaining zhao's plan to a masked soldier who unmasks himself to reveal an injured zuko who survived zhao's assassination attempt. Zuko feels alarmed by zhao's progress and informs Iroh that he'll leave the ships immediately and go to north pole as the ships get near. Iroh asks him his plan to which zuko gives vague answers, worrying Iroh.
Scene cuts to the wall of northern water tribe where there's dead silence and gust of winds blowing... The silence is unnerving but suddenly a fire ball appears through the fog and strikes the wall. The soldiers scatter with the attack but gather and try to contain the rain if fireball that is being sent by the catapults of the uncountable fire nation ships. Katara helps anyone she can and approaches pakku. She tells him that there's need for every pair of hands in order for them to defend their home, he can carry on with his traditions later but now it is not the time to be stubborn. Yagoda agrees with and tells her while a fireball heads their way, katara, yagoda and bunch of female waterbenders stop it from impacting and freezing it in towering ice. Pakku realises their potential and positions them at exposed point in order for them to stop further damage from the fireballs. Aang also tries to stop the damage but it's too much yet he helps other soldiers retreive. The chief tells yue that there are soldiers that need immediate attention in the sacred pond and tasks sokka to guard her while she heals the gravely injured. They head to the pond and heal many of the soldiers who walk out of the oasis, as they leave and sokka and yue are about to head out they notice an air balloon descending towards the oasis. They hide in the bushes nearby and observe who is there and what they are trying to achieve. As aang is helping outside at the front, kuruk appears to him and informs him about the dagger presence, it's properties and how it can end the life of most powerful spirits and pleads him to go the sacred oasis where the most powerful spirits reside during events like full moon. Zhao looks around in the oasis reciting the words he read in the scroll about spirits. He sees two koi fishes circling each other, slightly glowing. He recognises the eternal dance and decides to kill the spirit. Iroh warns him that the spirits are something that should not be trifled with and threatens him force if he proceeds with his actions. While Aang heads for the oasis through kuruk's temple, zuko confronts him and asks him to surrender and come with him. Katara asks Aang to go ahead and stop Zhao while she takes on zuko. They both fight with their best but with katara sharpening her skills and catching zuko by surprises, she easily overpowers him after several bouts. Aang also arrives and tells Zhao how spirits are important for everyone, even fire nation. The spiritual balance needs to be maintained in order for life on earth to survive, without it everything will fall apart. Zhao steps back from the pond but at everyone's surprise jumps in with the dagger and stabs the moon spirit, turning everything grey and moonlight vanishing from sky. Yue faints and aang feels striking pain in his head as he senses the loss of balance. Iroh strikes Zhao several times but Zhao manages to escape. Iroh runs behind him while looking at yue and telling her you have unique life in you. Aang gets flashbacks of air temple, kyoshi's harsh words and kuruk's word about how he should walk alone on this path and there needs to be certain sacrifice in order to achieve the results. During all this, aang hears some somber chants. Those chants were something knew but very familiar to him. He senses the chants coming from the pond. The chant is "Na Mo A Mi Tuo Fo Shin Di" which translates to "I bow to infinite light". It's a chant that is used by spirits when they are in danger or need of help towards the avatar spirit. As aang moves closer to the pond the chant intensifies. Yue expresses her despair and how everything is destroyed and it's over, simultaneously aang enters avatar state and with thousands voices says "no, it's not over". Aang walks into the pond and stands near the ocean spirit which circles aang, starting a ritual of combining their power. Aang dips into the ocean and emerges as koizilla. This prompts the water tribe citizens to bow to their diety immediately and koi zilla recognises the fire nation forces and starts to wipe them out of the city.
As Zhao runs through the streets of ange quela, he is confronted by zuko who duels him in order to avenge assassination attempt. Zuko eventually overpowers Zhao and questions why he did it to which Zhao reveals he knows about his blue spirit identity thanks to his sister. He goes further and tells him that his father and sister think of you as a failure and your father used you to push your sister to new heights and now she's more powerful than ever. Zuko walks away in shame and sadness after hearing this. Seeing the opportunity Zhao tries to take a cheap shot at him but is immediately torched by Iroh and drops into the water channel that has glow of ocean spirit. Aang in koizilla wrecks havoc on fire nation fleet amid their constant attacks through the catalputs but he overpowers them and sends a wave huge enough to ruin the fleet. Katara tries to speak to aang and talk him out of this destruction but aang's sense of worldly concern is gone and he intends to help the spirit until they are at peace and balance.
We cut to oasis and sokka talks about the possibility of bringing back the moon spirit to which yue has flashbacks to how she was so extraordinary, and she finally accepts the fact that she needs to repay the debt. She gives sokka a kiss and while sokka is not looking she freezes his feet in order to immobilize him. She walks into the oasis pond and picks up the dead koi fish, while sokka pleads her not to and using her healing power with her spirit's concentration and disappears into the strong light, which after few seconds goes away and the moon spirit has returned in form of the koi fish. Sokka watches yue disappear like that and cries in loss. The moon appears back into the sky and grabs aang and the koizilla's attention. Katara tells aang how important he is to her and how aang is still needed by everyone. She tells him that he might have lost a family but also gained one in form of her and sokka. This convinces aang to stop his rampage as the balance has been restored and he is retreated back to the shore by the ocean spirit into katara's arms. The sun rises and everyone begins to face the aftermath of war by removing the debris, helping the injured and securing the corpses of the fallen. Aang looks at the mayhem and destruction and blames himself from not stopping it. Katara tries to comfort him by telling him the bad actions of other people is not your fault, but he tells her it's his job to stop them and flies away on his glider. later, a funeral ceremony is held. The chief thanks the Martrys and the injured for their courage and sacrifice and how their valiant effort stopped the fire nation. He pays respect to yue for restoring balance and speaks how proud he is of her sacrifice. Pakku also announces that some traditions are outdated, and they need to change like water. He announced that women will no longer be prohibited from learning waterbending combat and everyone is free to learn what they want to. Chief ends the speech with saying there have been losses but we always move forward from these because it's our nature to adapt and overcome difficulties and losses. Aang realizes that loss of life is part of the cycle of life and he cannot prevent everything but he can always try. He remembers gyatso's words about letting go. Sokka and the chief share the conversation of how yue was so courageous and how they feel after her leaving them in this world . Pakku tells katara how she reminded him of their core values and she's a commendable warrior and a bender. After the ceremony ends aang tells katara and sokka how he feels he needs to move forward and be the avatar the world needs. Katara expresses happiness while sokka shows sarcasm and tells him he's hungry and offers them to join in for the food and katara taunts his need to eat everytime.
We cut to omashu being heavily damaged and fire nation soldiers walking in. We see a shot of bumi being captured and trapped into metal casings to prevent him from bending. A warrior with face masks walks up to him and removes it.. revealing it was azula who has invaded omashu.
Episode ends with the fire nation sages revealing to Ozai model have developed to predict sozin's comet and informs him that it's arriving soon.

Pullman Melbourne on Swanston boasts contemporary design that plays on the senses to create the perfect destination for work and play. With the city’s best food and fashion on its doorstep, Pullman offers a new level of urban sophistication – an oasis of style in the heart of one of the world’s most cosmopolitan cities.
About the role
We are looking for an exceptionally talented and diverse Food and Beverage Supervisor on a full-time basis. This role requires availability for rotational shifts to supervise the delivery of breakfast, lunch, and dinner to our inhouse and public guests with an in-depth knowledge of managing dietary requirements.
About you
Previous experience in Hospitality is essential; Demonstrated skills in supervising a team; Exceptional attention to detail; Confident and has the ability to work unsupervised; Strong communication skills with a passion for providing exceptional customer service; Holds a current Responsible Service of Alcohol (RSA) certificate. Benefits
We're more than a great place to work with a fun and colorful working environment. How about the:
Freedom to shape the role, establish your own identity and make decisions with impact. Chance to really own what you do. Opportunity to be part of both Erdi – one of Australia's largest privately and independently owned Hotel groups and global brand, Accor. Exceptionally generous accommodation discounts for you and your family and friends. What we offer
We value passionate and energetic employees who love what they do. In return, we will provide you with a fun working environment in an amazing dual property hotel with a great team. Furthermore, we foster an environment that rewards and recognises you and provides you with the opportunity for career progression.
Please note that you must have unlimited working rights. Only shortlisted applicants will be contacted.
Apply here
Via needabarista.com.au

🔍 Seeking Insights: Is Studying Food Safety, Inspection, and Control a Viable Career Path?
🍽️ As I contemplate my academic journey, I find myself drawn to the dynamic field of food safety, inspection, and control. However, I'm keen to gather insights from those who have experience in this domain.
💡 Are you currently working in food safety, inspection, or related fields? I would greatly appreciate your guidance on whether pursuing this course of study is a wise decision in today's industry landscape.
🌟 What are the growth prospects in this field?
🔍 How is the job market for graduates in food safety and inspection?
💼 What skills and competencies are most valued by employers in this sector?Your expertise and advice would be invaluable to me as I navigate this decision.
Please feel free to share your thoughts or reach out to connect for a more detailed discussion.Thank you in advance for your insights!

Hey ladies! I’m a giant, nerdy guy looking for a special woman to chat with and see what happens. I am open to short or long-term, but I am strictly monogamous. No kids, and don’t want any of my own. Not religious, either. Very left-leaning politically and open to women of any race. I’m hoping for nightly voice calls, movie nights, things like that. If local, even better! I want to make you smile so much your cheeks hurt, and your heart to flutter. Nothing makes me happier than making a lady giggle!
I value the simple (and nerdy!) things in life, and would rather find my person to spend my life with rather than living a life of comfort and privilege. My dream is to open an animal sanctuary or hobby farm that could double as a human therapy center. I am looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship with a woman within a few years of my age and within a few time zones of EST. Curly hair, freckles or dimples get you to the front of the line! I’ve been having a rough week, so please send me your pet pictures!
For work right now I’m in a volunteer position at a local food bank where I socialize with seniors and the food-insecure and basically serve as a ‘Johnny on the spot’ helping with odd jobs, tech support, stuff like that. I also help with a cat rescue organization where I have fostered cats and do some admin work. I do freelance editing on the side, and would love to have some of my own work published in the future!

Hey ladies! I’m a giant, nerdy guy looking for a special woman to chat with and see what happens. I am open to short or long-term, but I am strictly monogamous. No kids, and don’t want any of my own. Not religious, either. Very left-leaning politically and open to women of any race. I’m hoping for nightly voice calls, movie nights, things like that. If local, even better! I want to make you smile so much your cheeks hurt, and your heart to flutter. Nothing makes me happier than making a lady giggle!
I value the simple (and nerdy!) things in life, and would rather find my person to spend my life with rather than living a life of comfort and privilege. My dream is to open an animal sanctuary or hobby farm that could double as a human therapy center. I am looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship with a woman within a few years of my age and within a few time zones of EST. Curly hair, freckles or dimples get you to the front of the line! I’ve been having a rough week, so please send me your pet pictures!
For work right now I’m in a volunteer position at a local food bank where I socialize with seniors and the food-insecure and basically serve as a ‘Johnny on the spot’ helping with odd jobs, tech support, stuff like that. I also help with a cat rescue organization where I have fostered cats and do some admin work. I do freelance editing on the side, and would love to have some of my own work published in the future!

Hey ladies! I’m a giant, nerdy guy looking for a special woman to chat with and see what happens. I am open to short or long-term, but I am strictly monogamous. No kids, and don’t want any of my own. Not religious, either. Very left-leaning politically and open to women of any race. I’m hoping for nightly voice calls, movie nights, things like that. If local, even better! I want to make you smile so much your cheeks hurt, and your heart to flutter. Nothing makes me happier than making a lady giggle!
I value the simple (and nerdy!) things in life, and would rather find my person to spend my life with rather than living a life of comfort and privilege. My dream is to open an animal sanctuary or hobby farm that could double as a human therapy center. I am looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship with a woman within a few years of my age and within a few time zones of EST. Curly hair, freckles or dimples get you to the front of the line! I’ve been having a rough week, so please send me your pet pictures!
For work right now I’m in a volunteer position at a local food bank where I socialize with seniors and the food-insecure and basically serve as a ‘Johnny on the spot’ helping with odd jobs, tech support, stuff like that. I also help with a cat rescue organization where I have fostered cats and do some admin work. I do freelance editing on the side, and would love to have some of my own work published in the future!

Hey ladies! I’m a giant, nerdy guy looking for a special woman to chat with and see what happens. I am open to short or long-term, but I am strictly monogamous. No kids, and don’t want any of my own. Not religious, either. Very left-leaning politically and open to women of any race. I’m hoping for nightly voice calls, movie nights, things like that. If local, even better! I want to make you smile so much your cheeks hurt, and your heart to flutter. Nothing makes me happier than making a lady giggle!
I value the simple (and nerdy!) things in life, and would rather find my person to spend my life with rather than living a life of comfort and privilege. My dream is to open an animal sanctuary or hobby farm that could double as a human therapy center. I am looking for a long-term, monogamous relationship with a woman within a few years of my age and within a few time zones of EST. Curly hair, freckles or dimples get you to the front of the line! I’ve been having a rough week, so please send me your pet pictures!
For work right now I’m in a volunteer position at a local food bank where I socialize with seniors and the food-insecure and basically serve as a ‘Johnny on the spot’ helping with odd jobs, tech support, stuff like that. I also help with a cat rescue organization where I have fostered cats and do some admin work. I do freelance editing on the side, and would love to have some of my own work published in the future!

10 best food off most poplerChatGPTChatGPT
Searched 6 sites
Here are some of the most popular foods around the world, based on recent rankings and analyses:

1. Pizza Napoletana (Italy) - This classic Italian dish, especially in its traditional Neapolitan form, remains incredibly popular globally. It’s celebrated for its simple yet flavorful ingredients: dough, tomatoes, mozzarella cheese, fresh basil, salt, and olive oil​ (TasteAtlas: Travel Global, Eat Local)​​ (TasteAtlas: Travel Global, Eat Local)​.
2. Sushi (Japan) - Renowned for its variety and quality, sushi includes vinegared rice combined with various ingredients such as seafood, vegetables, and occasionally tropical fruits. Sushi's global popularity continues to rise due to its delicate flavors and aesthetic presentation​ (TasteAtlas: Travel Global, Eat Local)​​ (TasteAtlas: Travel Global, Eat Local)​.
3. Picanha (Brazil) - This popular Brazilian cut of beef, known for its tender and juicy texture, is a favorite at churrascarias (Brazilian steakhouses) and is gaining international fame​ (TasteAtlas: Travel Global, Eat Local)​.
4. Roti Canai (Malaysia) - A type of flatbread often served with dhal or curry, roti canai is a staple in Malaysian cuisine and is loved for its flaky texture and versatile flavor​ (TasteAtlas: Travel Global, Eat Local)​.
5. Phat Kaphrao (Thailand) - This spicy stir-fry dish, usually made with basil, chili, garlic, and your choice of protein (like chicken, pork, or seafood), is a beloved street food in Thailand and is known for its intense flavors​ (TasteAtlas: Travel Global, Eat Local)​.
6. Beef (Global) - From American steaks to Japanese Wagyu and Argentine asado, beef is a widely consumed and beloved meat worldwide. Its versatility in various cuisines makes it a staple across the globe​ (Mashed)​.
7. Eggs (Global) - Eggs are fundamental in many cuisines, from French omelets to Japanese tamago and Indian egg curry. They are consumed widely due to their versatility and nutritional value​ (Mashed)​.
8. Cheese (Global) - Whether it’s Italian Parmigiano Reggiano, French Camembert, or Greek Feta, cheese plays a central role in many culinary traditions worldwide, appreciated for its wide range of flavors and textures​ (TasteAtlas: Travel Global, Eat Local)​.
9. Fish (Global) - Fish is crucial in many diets, particularly in coastal regions. From sushi in Japan to ceviche in Latin America, fish is valued for its flavor and health benefits​ (Mashed)​.
10. Maize (Global) - Known as corn in many regions, maize is a dietary staple in numerous cultures. It’s used in various forms such as tortillas, polenta, and cornmeal, and is also a key ingredient in many processed foods​ (Mashed)​.

We just recently disembarked from the Holland America Rotterdam on a 6-day cruise. As a 32-year old couple, we found it an overall enjoyable experience.
PROS: The food was great, the on-board Navigator App was very intuitive, and there were plenty of activities to do throughout the day.
CONS: Entertainment shows lacked production value. If you're planning to travel with kids, they may be bored without an overabundance of kid-friendly attractions (No waterslides, arcades, etc).
If you want to see more from the Rotterdam, check out our ultimate review of the this cruise ship: https://youtu.be/VxmtsrD0zUs?si=hKjCiAE-E1-4hbKJ
We would book on this ship again, but may opt for another cruise line if we're travelling with kids next time.

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Factory New), B/O: $7194.77

★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2025.74

⎯

★ M9 Bayonet Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $557.87

★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $529.41

★ M9 Bayonet Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $465.39

⎯

★ Talon Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $1295.27

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Minimal Wear), B/O: $746.28

★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested), B/O: $688.15

⎯

★ Flip Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $547.93

★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $476.69

★ Flip Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $278.18

★ Flip Knife Black Laminate (Well-Worn), B/O: $258.83

★ Flip Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $181.64

⎯

★ Stiletto Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $686.04

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $665.41

★ Stiletto Knife, B/O: $601.39

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $418.25

★ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $227.80

★ Stiletto Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.96

★ Stiletto Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $192.79

⎯

★ Nomad Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $518.11

★ Nomad Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $169.78

★ Nomad Knife Forest DDPAT (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $166.88

★ StatTrak™ Nomad Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $335.79

⎯

★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $442.05

★ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Minimal Wear), B/O: $426.24

★ Skeleton Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $314.03

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2361.28

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $376.53

⎯

★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $557.12

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $471.42

★ Ursus Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $212.37

★ Ursus Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $187.66

★ Ursus Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $178.18

★ Ursus Knife Ultraviolet (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $155.13

★ Ursus Knife Boreal Forest (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.26

⎯

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Minimal Wear), B/O: $204.83

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested), B/O: $184.50

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Lore (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $224.11

⎯

★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $2142.02

★ Bowie Knife, B/O: $230.44

★ Bowie Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $209.20

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.51

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

⎯

★ Falchion Knife Night (Field-Tested), B/O: $132.54

★ Falchion Knife Urban Masked (Well-Worn), B/O: $112.81

★ Falchion Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $108.81

★ Falchion Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.82

★ Falchion Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.46

★ StatTrak™ Falchion Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $143.08

⎯

★ Paracord Knife Crimson Web (Minimal Wear), B/O: $486.48

★ Paracord Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $163.12

⎯

★ Survival Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $138.26

★ Survival Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

⎯

★ Gut Knife Sapphire (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1127.79

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $286.17

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $246.55

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $240.77

★ Gut Knife, B/O: $210.49

★ Gut Knife Lore (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.22

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $151.51

★ Gut Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.94

★ Gut Knife Rust Coat (Well-Worn), B/O: $118.99

★ Gut Knife Boreal Forest (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.80

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $237.96

⎯

★ Shadow Daggers Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $264.92

★ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $253.03

★ Shadow Daggers Tiger Tooth (Factory New), B/O: $237.22

★ Shadow Daggers Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.40

★ Shadow Daggers Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $144.42

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $105.20

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $150.46

⎯

★ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $365.99

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $228.93

★ Navaja Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $227.43

★ Navaja Knife Slaughter (Factory New), B/O: $209.06

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $203.16

★ Navaja Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $132.57

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $121.69

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.95

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $100.41

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $369.01

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $109.95

GLOVES

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2394.67

★ Sport Gloves Omega (Well-Worn), B/O: $572.33

★ Sport Gloves Bronze Morph (Minimal Wear), B/O: $338.88

★ Sport Gloves Big Game (Field-Tested), B/O: $323.66

⎯

★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1652.07

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested), B/O: $599.14

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Well-Worn), B/O: $231.57

★ Specialist Gloves Buckshot (Minimal Wear), B/O: $126.21

⎯

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $996.99

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Field-Tested), B/O: $383.31

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Well-Worn), B/O: $276.00

★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Field-Tested), B/O: $180.28

⎯

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $502.29

★ Hand Wraps Giraffe (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.73

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $178.32

⎯

★ Driver Gloves Queen Jaguar (Minimal Wear), B/O: $181.01

★ Driver Gloves Rezan the Red (Field-Tested), B/O: $101.66

⎯

★ Broken Fang Gloves Jade (Field-Tested), B/O: $127.88

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.55

⎯

★ Bloodhound Gloves Guerrilla (Minimal Wear), B/O: $127.94

★ Hydra Gloves Case Hardened (Field-Tested), B/O: $102.55

WEAPONS

AK-47 X-Ray (Well-Worn), B/O: $478.95

AUG Hot Rod (Factory New), B/O: $425.83

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Hyper Beast (Factory New), B/O: $413.95

M4A4 Daybreak (Factory New), B/O: $309.51

StatTrak™ AK-47 Aquamarine Revenge (Factory New), B/O: $305.43

AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $196.38

StatTrak™ M4A4 Temukau (Minimal Wear), B/O: $174.64

P90 Run and Hide (Field-Tested), B/O: $167.03

AWP Asiimov (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.33

Souvenir SSG 08 Death Strike (Minimal Wear), B/O: $140.00

M4A1-S Printstream (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.70

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Golden Coil (Field-Tested), B/O: $117.48

AWP Asiimov (Well-Worn), B/O: $115.97

StatTrak™ Desert Eagle Printstream (Minimal Wear), B/O: $112.96

StatTrak™ AK-47 Asiimov (Minimal Wear), B/O: $110.85

Souvenir M4A1-S Master Piece (Well-Worn), B/O: $102.42

AK-47 Bloodsport (Minimal Wear), B/O: $100.53

Trade Offer Link - Steam Profile Link - My Inventory

Knives - Bowie Knife, Butterfly Knife, Falchion Knife, Flip Knife, Gut Knife, Huntsman Knife, M9 Bayonet, Bayonet, Karambit, Shadow Daggers, Stiletto Knife, Ursus Knife, Navaja Knife, Talon Knife, Classic Knife, Paracord Knife, Survival Knife, Nomad Knife, Skeleton Knife, Patterns - Gamma Doppler, Doppler (Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4, Black Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald), Crimson Web, Lore, Fade, Ultraviolet, Night, Marble Fade (Fire & Ice, Fake FI), Case Hardened (Blue Gem), Autotronic, Slaughter, Black Laminate, Tiger Tooth, Boreal Forest, Scorched, Blue Steel, Vanilla, Damascus Steel, Forest DDPAT, Urban Masked, Freehand, Stained, Bright Water, Safari Mesh, Rust Coat, Gloves - Bloodhound Gloves (Charred, Snakebite, Guerrilla, Bronzed), Driver Gloves (Snow Leopard, King Snake, Crimson Weave, Imperial Plaid, Black Tie, Lunar Weave, Diamondback, Rezan the Red, Overtake, Queen Jaguar, Convoy, Racing Green), Hand Wraps (Cobalt Skulls, CAUTION!, Overprint, Slaughter, Leather, Giraffe, Badlands, Spruce DDPAT, Arboreal, Constrictor, Desert Shamagh, Duct Tape), Moto Gloves (Spearmint, POW!, Cool Mint, Smoke Out, Finish Line, Polygon, Blood Pressure, Turtle, Boom!, Eclipse, 3rd Commando Company, Transport), Specialist Gloves (Crimson Kimono, Tiger Strike, Emerald Web, Field Agent, Marble Fade, Fade, Foundation, Lt. Commander, Crimson Web, Mogul, Forest DDPAT, Buckshot), Sport Gloves (Pandora's Box, Superconductor, Hedge Maze, Vice, Amphibious, Slingshot, Omega, Arid, Big Game, Nocts, Scarlet Shamagh, Bronze Morph), Hydra Gloves (Case Hardened, Emerald, Rattler, Mangrove), Broken Fang Gloves (Jade, Yellow-banded, Unhinged, Needle Point), Pistols - P2000 (Wicked Sick, Ocean Foam, Fire Element, Amber Fade, Corticera, Chainmail, Imperial Dragon, Obsidian, Scorpion, Handgun, Acid Etched), USP-S (Printstream, Kill Confirmed, Whiteout, Road Rash, Owergrowth, The Traitor, Neo-Noir, Dark Water, Orion, Blueprint, Stainless, Caiman, Serum, Monster Mashup, Royal Blue, Ancient Visions, Cortex, Orange Anolis, Ticket To Hell, Black Lotus, Cyrex, Check Engine, Guardian, Purple DDPAT, Torque, Blood Tiger, Flashback, Business Class, Pathfinder, Para Green), Lead Conduit, Glock-18 (Ramese's Reach, Umbral Rabbit, Fade, Candy Apple, Bullet Queen, Synth Leaf, Neo-Noir, Nuclear Garden, Dragon Tatto, Reactor, Pink DDPAT, Twilight Galaxy, Sand Dune, Groundwater, Blue Fissure, Snack Attack, Water Elemental, Brass, Wasteland Rebel, Vogue, Franklin, Royal Legion, Gamma Doppler, Weasel, Steel Disruption, Ironwork, Grinder, High Beam, Moonrise, Oxide Blaze, Bunsen Burner, Clear Polymer, Bunsen Burner, Night), P250 (Apep's Curse, Re.built, Nuclear Threat, Modern Hunter, Splash, Whiteout, Vino Primo, Mehndi, Asiimov, Visions, Undertow, Cartel, See Ya Later, Gunsmoke, Splash, Digital Architect, Muertos, Red Rock, Bengal Tiger, Crimson Kimono, Wingshot, Metallic DDPAT, Hive, Dark Filigree, Mint Kimono), Five-Seven (Neon Kimono, Berries And Cherries, Fall Hazard, Crimson Blossom, Hyper Beast, Nitro, Fairy Tale, Case Hardened, Copper Galaxy, Angry Mob, Monkey Business, Fowl Play, Anodized Gunmetal, Hot Shot, Retrobution, Boost Protocol), CZ75-Auto (Chalice, Crimson Web, Emerald Quartz, The Fuschia is Now, Nitro, Xiangliu, Yellow Jacket, Victoria, Poison Dart, Syndicate, Eco, Hexane, Pole, Tigris), Tec-9 (Mummy's Rot, Rebel, Terrace, Nuclear Threat, Hades, Rust Leaf, Decimator, Blast From, Orange Murano, Toxic, Fuel Injector, Remote Control, Bamboo Forest, Isaac, Avalanche, Brother, Re-Entry, Blue Titanium, Bamboozle), R8 Revolver (Banana Cannon, Fade, Blaze, Crimson Web, Liama Cannon, Crazy 8, Reboot, Canal Spray, Night, Amber Fade), Desert Eagle (Blaze, Hand Cannon, Fennec Fox, Sunset Storm, Emerald Jörmungandr, Pilot, Hypnotic, Golden Koi, Printstream, Cobalt Disruption, Code Red, Ocean Drive, Midnight Storm, Kumicho Dragon, Crimson Web, Heirloom, Night Heist, Mecha Industries, Night, Conspiracy, Trigger Discipline, Naga, Directive, Light Rail), Dual Berettas (Flora Carnivora, Duelist, Cobra Strike, Black Limba, Emerald, Hemoglobin, Twin Turbo, Marina, Melondrama, Pyre, Retribution, Briar, Dezastre, Royal Consorts, Urban Shock, Dualing Dragons, Panther, Balance), Rifles - Galil (Aqua Terrace, Winter Forest, Chatterbox, Sugar Rush, Pheonix Blacklight, CAUTION!, Orange DDPAT, Cerberus, Dusk Ruins, Eco, Chromatic Aberration, Stone Cold, Tuxedo, Sandstorm, Shattered, Urban Rubble, Rocket Pop, Kami, Crimson Tsunami, Connexion), SCAR-20 (Fragments, Brass, Cyrex, Palm, Splash Jam, Cardiac, Emerald, Crimson Web, Magna Carta, Stone Mosaico, Bloodsport, Enforcer), AWP (Black Nile, Duality, Gungnir, Dragon Lore, Prince, Medusa, Desert Hydra, Fade, Lightning Strike, Oni Taiji, Silk Tiger, Graphite, Chromatic Aberration, Asiimov, Snake Camo, Boom, Containment Breach, Wildfire, Redline, Electric Hive, Hyper Beast, Neo-Noir, Man-o'-war, Pink DDPAT, Corticera, Sun in Leo, Elite Build, Fever Dream, Atheris, Mortis, PAW, Exoskeleton, Worm God, POP AWP, Phobos, Acheron, Pit Viper, Capillary, Safari Mesh), AK-47 (Steel Delta, Head Shot, Wild Lotus, Gold Arabesque, X-Ray, Fire Serpent, Hydroponic, Panthera Onca, Case Hardened, Vulcan, Jet Set, Fuel Injector, Bloodsport, Nightwish, First Class, Neon Rider, Asiimov, Red Laminate, Aquamarine Revenge, The Empress, Wasteland Rebel, Jaguar, Black Laminate, Leet Museo, Neon Revolution, Redline, Frontside Misty, Predator, Legion of Anubis, Point Disarray, Orbit Mk01, Blue Laminate, Green Laminate, Emerald Pinstripe, Cartel, Phantom Disruptor, Jungle Spray, Safety Net, Rat Rod, Baroque Purple, Slate, Elite Build, Uncharted, Safari Mesh), FAMAS (Waters of Nephthys, Sundown, Prime Conspiracy, Afterimage, Commemoration, Dark Water, Spitfire, Pulse, Eye of Athena, Meltdown, Rapid Eye Move, Roll Cage, Styx, Mecha Industrie, Djinn, ZX Spectron, Valence, Neural Net, Night Borre, Hexne), M4A4 (Eye of Horus, Temukau, Howl, Poseidon, Asiimov, Daybreak, Hellfire, Zirka, Red DDPAT, Radiation Hazard, Modern Hunter, The Emperor, The Coalition, Bullet Rain, Cyber Security, X-Ray, Dark Blossom, Buzz Kill, In Living Color, Neo-Noir, Desolate Space, 龍王 (Dragon King), Royal Paladin, The Battlestar, Global Offensive, Tooth Fairy, Desert-Strike, Griffin, Evil Daimyo, Spider Lily, Converter), M4A1-S (Emphorosaur-S, Welcome to the Jungle, Imminent Danger, Knight, Hot Rod, Icarus Fell, Blue Phosphor, Printstream, Master Piece, Dark Water, Golden Coil, Bright Water, Player Two, Atomic Alloy, Guardian, Chantico's Fire, Hyper Beast, Mecha Industries, Cyrex, Control Panel, Moss Quartz, Nightmare, Decimator, Leaded Glass, Basilisk, Blood Tiger, Briefing, Night Terror, Nitro, VariCamo, Flashback), SG 553 (Cyberforce, Hazard Pay, Bulldozer, Integrale, Dragon Tech, Ultraviolet, Colony IV, Hypnotic, Cyrex, Candy Apple, Barricade, Pulse), SSG 08 (Death Strike, Sea Calico, Blood in the Water, Orange Filigree, Dragonfire, Big Iron, Bloodshot, Detour, Turbo Peek, Red Stone), AUG (Akihabara Accept, Flame Jörmungandr, Hot Rod, Midnight Lily, Sand Storm, Carved Jade, Wings, Anodized Navy, Death by Puppy, Torque, Bengal Tiger, Chameleon, Fleet Flock, Random Access, Momentum, Syd Mead, Stymphalian, Arctic Wolf, Aristocrat, Navy Murano), G3SG1 (Chronos, Violet Murano, Flux, Demeter, Orange Kimono, The Executioner, Green Apple, Arctic Polar Camo, Contractor), SMGs - P90 (ScaraB Rush, Neoqueen, Astral Jörmungandr, Run and Hide, Emerald Dragon, Cold Blooded, Death by Kitty, Baroque Red, Vent Rush, Blind Spot, Asiimov, Trigon, Sunset Lily, Death Grip, Leather, Nostalgia, Fallout Warning, Tiger Pit, Schermatic, Virus, Shapewood, Glacier Mesh, Shallow Grave, Chopper, Desert Warfare), MAC-10 (Sakkaku, Hot Snakes, Copper Borre, Red Filigree, Gold Brick, Graven, Case Hardened, Stalker, Amber Fade, Neon Rider, Tatter, Curse, Propaganda, Nuclear Garden, Disco Tech, Toybox, Heat, Indigo), UMP-45 (Wild Child, Fade, Blaze, Day Lily, Minotaur's Labyrinth, Crime Scene, Caramel, Bone Pile, Momentum, Primal Saber), MP7 (Teal Blossom, Fade, Nemesis, Whiteout, Asterion, Bloosport, Abyssal Apparition, Full Stop, Special Delivery, Neon Ply, Asterion, Ocean Foam, Powercore, Scorched, Impire), PP-Bizon (Modern Hunter, Rust Coat, Forest Leaves, Antique, High Roller, Blue Streak, Seabird, Judgement of Anubis, Bamboo Print, Embargo, Chemical Green, Coblat Halftone, Fuel Rod, Photic Zone, Irradiated Alert, Carbon Fiber), MP9 (Featherweight, Wild Lily, Pandora's Box, Stained Glass, Bulldozer, Dark Age, Hot Rod, Hypnotic, Hydra, Rose Iron, Music Box, Setting Sun, Food Chain, Airlock, Mount Fuji, Starlight Protector, Ruby Poison Dart, Deadly Poison), MP5-SD (Liquidation, Oxide Oasis, Phosphor, Nitro, Agent, Autumn Twilly), Shotguns, Machineguns - Sawed-Off (Kiss♥Love, First Class, Orange DDPAT, Rust Coat, The Kraken, Devourer, Mosaico, Wasteland Princess, Bamboo Shadow, Copper, Serenity, Limelight, Apocalypto), XM1014 (Frost Borre, Ancient Lore, Red Leather, Elegant Vines, Banana Leaf, Jungle, Urban Perforated, Grassland, Blaze Orange, Heaven Guard, VariCamo Blue, Entombed, XOXO, Seasons, Tranquility, Bone Machine, Incinegator, Teclu Burner, Black Tie, Zombie Offensive, Watchdog), Nova (Sobek's Bite, Baroque Orange, Hyper Beast, Green Apple, Antique, Modern Hunter, Walnut, Forest Leaves, Graphite, Blaze Orange, Rising Skull, Tempest, Bloomstick, Interlock, Quick Sand, Moon in Libra, Clean Polymer, Red Quartz, Toy Soldier), MAG-7 (Copper Coated, Insomnia, Cinqueda, Counter Terrace, Prism Terrace, Memento, Chainmail, Hazard, Justice, Bulldozer, Silver, Core Breach, Firestarter, Praetorian, Heat, Hard Water, Monster Call, BI83 Spectrum, SWAG-7), M249 (Humidor, Shipping Forecast, Blizzard Marbleized, Downtown, Jungle DDPAT, Nebula Crusader, Impact Drill, Emerald Poison Dart), Negev (Mjölnir, Anodized Navy, Palm, Power Loader, Bratatat, CaliCamo, Phoenix Stencil, Infrastructure, Boroque Sand), Wear - Factory New (FN), Minimal Wear (MW), Field-Tested (FT), Well-Worn (WW), Battle-Scarred (BS), Stickers Holo/Foil/Gold - Katowice 2014, Krakow 2017, Howling Dawn, Katowice 2015, Crown, London 2018, Cologne 2014, Boston 2018, Atlanta 2017, Cluj-Napoca 2015, DreamHack 2014, King on the Field, Harp of War, Winged Difuser, Cologne 2016, Cologne 2015, MLG Columbus 2016, Katowice 2019, Berlin 2019, RMR 2020, Stockholm 2021, Antwerp 2022, Paris 2023, Swag Foil, Flammable foil, Others - Souvenirs, Agents, Pins, Passes, Gifts, Music Kits, Cases, Keys, Capsules, Packages, Patches

Some items on the list may no longer be available or are still locked, visit My Inventory for more details.

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Add me for discuss if there is a serious offer that needs to be discussed.

So, like many of us in this Reddit space are here to share stories from a time when we were naïve and probably convinced we were with our soulmate. at the timing of the end of this relationship, I was 23 (m) she was 22 (f). We really were only together for about a year and a half. However, there was some history between us that encouraged us to get together in the first place after our previous relationships. We knew each other for about five years at the time we got together. And we got together very fast after fairly lengthy relationships. The thing is, she had an apartment and her ex moved out. I kind of slowly started staying around a lot after he moved out and about 6-7 months into the relationship we moved in together into a new apartment and everything up to that point was so amazing.
I was very acclimated with her family. She wasn’t very much acclimated with mine actually. There was a dog in the middle that we had but it was technically her dog, but that dog does love me so much and I miss that dog so much now. Very skittish dog and the love was very apparent when I was around because I basically took a lot of responsibilities and taking care of the dog from the second I started being around. Now to the actual point of where this leads to…
So this year January, she broke up with me. It was very apparent, and there were writings on the wall that the spark was kind of gone and it was just hard to be around each other. Very ironic, but probably some type of psychological explanation because I swear I had so many opportunities to talk to new woman, but I valued loyalty more than anything to her and wanted to make things work no matter how hard. The next thing you know, she is noticeably, distant, asking for space and very hostile all the time. I kept telling her hey why do I just feel like your roommate and not your boyfriend anymore? you know I never had thought of anything suspicious from her side because I was convinced that she loves me. She’s basically had a crush on me you know since we were very young, as I said five years before we even got together she had a thing for me.
Now there were some crisis stages of living together where I am actively learning about God in my life and trying to place God as the pedestal for the way that I live my life, and those values differed. But at the end of the day, I accepted our differences and wanted to make it work, but it was very hard and I didn’t really see the sacrifices. She was willing to make for me. Now by no means was I perfect. I had a lot of flaws when it came to dealings with certain things and maybe not being reassuring in the ways that I was supposed to. However, my love for her was through the roof. She’s made me feel like nobody else ever has in my life and before her I was in a four-year relationship. So fast-forward, she breaks up with me on the same day that actually bought a new car (paid cash) which is something I thought she would be very excited for me about because my old car was a piece of junk and we usually took her car around. And I told her and she was absolutely expressionless.
As soon as that was the case, I was in a very dark state immediately. Prior to this there is a few days that I was really trying to get things rolling and some positive way between us and again it was just a matter where the spark was gone and she didn’t really want anything to do with me and it was making me so sad and frustrated. After I came home telling her that I bought a new car and she didn’t respond I start questioning her on a whole Lotta things and eventually she spills out that she no longer has feelings for me and says we’re broken up. Immediately, I’m in shambles. I think it was a Tuesday and the next day was a Wednesday where we normally spent all of our time together. I’m crying all night. I sleep in a separate room and see you was just quiet. The next Wednesday she goes out doesn’t really say anything and this is what was the hardest part. The person that I loved more than anyone in the world basically just stopped telling me anything and sharing anything with me.
She leaves the next morning. I tried to pull information out of her for her to tell me she was going apartment touring. That broke me as well. There was about 10 weeks left on the lease. I couldn’t even begin to think about that. However, I have to plead with her to keep her location on because I’m concerned about her and I still admittedly loved her, and all I wanted to do was reconcile and try to find a place of comfort. And her location she turned it off and turned it on and then it was like kind of weird on my phone, but eventually, I was basically stalking her because I was that insecure. She goes to one place and then another place and she’s gone all day and doesn’t tell me a thing. There is a place that she went to that confused me but I guess I excused it because she said she was apartment touring but it didn’t really make a lot of sense. This one place later on becomes an an answer to me. I talked to my family and friends and they basically accused her of cheating and I wasn’t having it because I couldn’t handle any more pain honestly.
Fast forward, though for the next two months basically we still live together and she was still being very secretive and I’m still hurting more and more. It was a very traumatic experience to just watch this girl I love change and be so different around me and I couldn’t feel any different way. It was really affecting me on a daily basis every single day and night. And that’s because I was admittedly, too emotionally dependent on her. it became very apparent that she was basically seeing someone else and wouldn’t fess up to it so quickly however this person wasn’t a boyfriend according to her because she wanted to be single. But she’s not coming back overnight, so I’m like where are you sleeping? She says don’t worry about it. I’m doing everything around the apartment. I’m taking care of the dog that it’s technically hers that I love a lot yes but you know. Sometimes she would come back and we would still often sleep in the same bed because I couldn’t sleep on the couch because that would just be very physically uncomfortable for me.
She was doing this and again I just had to live with it mind you she’s also told me some things like hey I believe in the right person wrong time idea and I still love you . It only gave me hope but it also put me through so much more pain as well. So just from a matter of how fast she was moving on to seeing another guy I feel like that should’ve been a key indicator, but I kept asking her if she cheated on me. She never said she did. I tried my absolute best to believe her every time. She also got approved for an apartment and had a roommate with some person who I didn’t really trust in the past, but I see now that that person is not significant in why the relationship broke. However, something that I have yet to mention is that she never really told a single person about our break up not family or friends. I wouldn’t have survived if I can tell no one because I was just going through it. You know I think this traumatic phase in my life and it’s making me realize that I think I have ADHD too.
Anyways, she was basically slowly moving out while I had my attempts to move out to a new place that kind of failed. I moved back in with my parents because of the roommate dependency of other people wasn’t working too well. Mind, you still pretty much through our time continuing to live together while I am deeply scarred and depressed. I am still actively trying to reconcile the relationship in someway. I was basically reflecting on everything that I did wrong and trying to better it while I was still living with her. That and I was just doing so many nice things like making all her meals and doing so many nice things for the dog buying things here and there. I was acting as a complete Simp believe me I hated it, but I missed her. At the same time I did not hate it though because I genuinely like doing things for other people and she was my outlet for that often.
Nonetheless, towards the end of the time before she moved out officially this is a part where I found out she cheated on me. There was about two weeks left on the lease or so. Quick note because I forgot to mention that we stopped having sex probably for a good amount of time and a red flag that I couldn’t overlook is the fact that she said she needed sex where I didn’t feel as I always desired it because it should be sacred. This could’ve very well been the nail in the coffin for her. Even though so many other things were good in my opinion she and I did not share the same values..
So we both wake up, she has an appointment to be at in the morning. I make food in the morning and I offered some. She takes a shower and gets changed in the bedroom. She left her phone in the bathroom unlocked and I looked through with major hesitation. Text showed nothing but then I showed that flo app (where women track their period and when they have sex)… my heart caught on fire. To see the amount of times she was having sex and also before we broke up, hurt me so bad but not as bad as I thought it would at the same time. I couldn’t look much further honestly, but I got my answer and I had to research to make sure I was looking at that correctly. I then questioned her, she would not admit and basically decided to move out that night, officially which put me in a pretty tough spot because she took the Internet.
I’m a big person on faith I’ve kept in touch with her somewhat and I’m doing my absolute best to forgive her. But I definitely cannot forget. What’s weird is that after we officially moved out the apartment and everything together she started sharing her location with me on Snapchat. Mind you I have a suspicion of who she was cheating on me with because I was investigating you know. I’m definitely more handsome and charismatic. I now notice her go to the same place she went to the day after we broke up pretty often. It’s not where she lives. It’s pretty close to her work. Do the math. I have tried to talk to her a few times about this topic and she certainly gets uncomfortable every time it is brought up. I just wanted it told from her for my closure, but I guess I don’t need it.
But yeah, that experience, especially living together after the break up was not fun and I don’t recommend it for anyone. I wouldn’t put my worst enemy through that. The lesson that i learned is that it can take two to build something great but only one to destroy it. Therefore, build something great on your own. Someone will be waiting there when you’re done.