Im sure I have felt like a lot of you on this sub.
Suffering, frightened, skeptical. There’s no better words to express the way I felt, at least.
Anti-depressants? Tried them. Life style changes? I did my best. Therapy? I’m this close to calling my therapist my “bestie” at this point. Jokes aside, I came across this drug. I used to think “Nah, that’s not for me” or whatever other rationalizing BS. Denial.
My world was shrouded in the darkest veil that clouded my vision. Anhedonia. Despair. Loneliness, even in a room full of people who love me. Rumination. Racing thoughts. Hopelessness. ANXIETY. That word alone has become my middle name…Panic. Fear. Inability to relax. Muscle tension. Unable to even enjoy the beauty in front of me because I was sitting in the abyss with this veil choking me, forcing its way down into my lungs.
Anyway- enough of the very real dramatization.
It is day 7 on 25mg of lamictal.
For the first time, in a very long time…I feel like me. Rumination? Minor. Sadness? Here and there- but with a pep in my step. Anxiety? Oh, that old friend? Sure, maybe, but nothing a propranolol couldn’t handle- considering I had to take so much lorazepam to simply function like the society-contributing “normal” human being, not someone choking to death on their own misery.
Thoughts: calm. Mind: focused. Vision: Clear. Heart: Less heavy. Chest: less tight.
It’s like the veil has finally lifted; it feels like I woke up from the blackest nightmare.
I had the worst year of my life last year. I got very sick, then got assaulted by my ex-partner, terrorized by him before the law and courts got involved, then my loving father was put into hospice. I didn’t think I was even going to make it.
And just two nights ago- the flood gates opened, and I sobbed for literally two hours on my partners chest- finally feeling the grief of my father passing soon. A festering infection that just stayed in my chest, the deepest pain, my eyes could not stop streaming. Because for the first time, in a long time- I don’t feel painfully numb.
I feel like a human being.
Tomorrow, I up the dose to 50mg. I’m nervous, but curious. I feel such a difference at 25mg- minimal side effects. Some dry skin, minor itchiness of the face, a nice Benadryl before bed takes care of it.
I’m still cautious of all of these potential side effects. I’m wary-
But.
For the first time, ever- I feel hope.
And I can finally feel joy playing with my precious dog that has gotten me through the darkest of times. I can show up for her, my parents, my loving partner, and….myself.
I love you all. Thank you to every member of this sub. Each one of your posts helps so many of us out here.
Taking lamictal for PMDD, MDD, panic disorder, GAD, and C-PTSD.

A new patient(F45) mildly obese was brought in who was planned for ECT in a week. Though she might actually be bipolar (atleast on the spectrum). She was terrified of ECT.
She had severe depression including suicidality and severe agitation.
She was on Lithium 600mg/day (Started recently), Lamotrigine 200mg, Lexapro 20mg and clonazepam 1mg with quietiapine 50mg for sleep.
Since 2023 she'd been experiencing strange episodes according to her family.
Here's all the history and symptoms provided about these episodes since 2023 :

• Agitation/Inner restlessness: Unable to remain calm/sit still. Blaming all of her symptoms on this restlessness. When this comes the other symptoms which I'll mention come along too:
  
• Crying and shouting loudly (simply can not control this to sorta escape)
  
• Excessive anger and snapping at/blaming others for no reason: Involuntarily blame people for the most random and petty things who've been the most helpful and kind.
  
• Very Irritable.
  
• Suicidality (to escape the restlessness). Suicidal attempts in aggression where she had to be stopped with a lot of physical force.
  
• Guilt and worthlessness
  
• Irrational/Questionable decisions and behaviors were almost always noted by family members during these periods accompanied with extreme impatience.
  
• Energy: Being fatigued and unmotivated that she can't even move or do stuff. But at the same time having so much Energy to shout so loud and rip her chest open to escape the "agitation".
  
• Pupils were dilated when I saw her.
  

After her lexapro was increased to 20MG her symptoms have been just worsening and worsening including suicidality.
Benzos would do nothing even injectable ones for the agitation.
Then today when she came to me during the severe agitation I immediately thought of a mixed state. Gave her zyprexa and asked to taper down the lexapro.
After she took the zyprexa (sublingual) in about 2 hours experienced tremendous relief - felt calm, brain went silent and took a long nap quite refreshing. She wasn't bothered by people talking. She wasn't irritated. She just felt normal. The relief seemed never-ending.
It makes sense now how being put on lamictal back in 2023 put her into remission and it kept masking Lexapro's rebound effect(in bipolar)
I'm honestly unsure why high dose Lexapro was continued over a year (even though there was a clear worsening of symptoms with dosage increase) and why high dose benzodiazepines were constantly being used to control the agitation despite having little to no effect. Even effexor was started in cross-titration with Lexapro which further worsened her suicidality etc?
Sorta leaning towards ECT and later on adjusting the medications because it does seem to be severe and ECT it is quite effective though the patient wants to try the no-ssri approach.
If we do go with the latter approach, I plan on : - Switch to Vraylar for its good evidence in mixed states. Cariprazine is dirt cheap here.

• Stick to Lamotrigine and increase Lithium/ Switch to Valproate(Good evidence in mixed features).
  
• Wellbutrin for depression if it does not or only partially responds to psychotherapy.
  
• Gabapentin.
  
• Low dose Trazodone for insomnia.
  

Perhaps the increased energy from the (hypo)mania and the activation from the SSRI is resulting in the restlessness which explains the relief from Olanzapine. I've seen many hypomanic patients who'd get so restless that they wanted to crawl out of their own skin.
What's your go to treatment for mixed states? What about the efficacy of Lithium in mixed bipolarity? Which mood stabilizers seem to work best?

I've been suffering with anxiety and depression my whole life. It would always come in episodes and they were usually short lived. I was put on zoloft as a teenager and functioned very well for many years. I went on and off it until I decided to stop psych meds altogether. I was also on a klonopin and had to wean off that. For the last 8 years I've been unmedicated. I would get very bad episodes that would last a few days to months. I thought I just had anxiety. It turns out that what I was experiencing was "agitated depression" or a mixed episodes. They could happen randomly or be triggered by stress or most often a drug reaction. I get delusional anxiety and feel like I want to crawl out of my skin, my thoughts race, I am hyperparanoid, I hate everything, can't eat or sleep. I feel worthless and daydream about dying.
I didn't know what these were until now. I only get mixed episodes. I never feel euphoric mania or straight up depression its always mixed.
I reached out to try to get help but the last 3 drugs I've tried all threw me into a worse episode. (Buspar, celexa, and now lamictal) lamictal was 3 weeks ago and had caused the worst episode of my life which I'm still in. I
Idk what to do. Do I go to inpatient? Do I take an antipsychotic? (Never tried one but I'm very scared to) Do I try to get on benzos and zoloft again because it helped befoe? Do I just wait it out and try to not self destruct?
What will inpatient be like? Can they stabilize me quickly or am I stuck there for weeks?

Hi everyone!! I re started Lamictal 1,5 month ago, after some years of not taking it, I started from 25mg and everything was fine but when I upped at 50mg, I started feeling itchy and I got some hives but only in specific places of my body, near my wrists in both arms and on the soles of both of my feet. They are itchy and annoying. Sometimes they retreat and they disappear but then another one pops. Also they are not very obvious with the eye, they look like a small red bump and only if you look really close or feel it by hand you become aware of them. I called my doctor and he told me that I don’t have to worry and it’s not the dangerous rash for sure.
I also visited a dermatologist and she told me that I have urticaria (hives) and it’s some kind of allergic reaction to something and it can be anything. She gave me antihistamines and a cream, and for some time they calm down and then again I feel itchy and have a small hive on my hand or a bump under the skin of the sole of my foot. When I used to take Lamictal some years ago, I had no skin issues at all and now I’m afraid that this skin problem is due to Lamictal, bc I can’t think of anything else that it might cause this. The thing is that I don’t want to stop Lamictal at all and I don’t know what to do. Sure it’s not a serious rash or something as it seems but still it’s annoying and itchy and it hasn’t gone away. Has anyone had a similar experience or has any idea what this might be and how can I handle this? Please I need your insight. Did anyone had a simile kind of skin issue and didn’t stop the med?

Please no common sense or condescending answers.
Hey all, I'm a 27-year-old trans male dealing with some confusing symptoms, and I could use your insights. While I know you're not doctors, I value your experiences and opinions.
Background: I've been battling treatment-resistant depression and CPTSD for about 8 years, with mood swings and irritability. Lamictal has been a game-changer for me, alongside lifestyle changes like meditation, healthy eating, and exercise. I'm also on trazodone for sleep.
Symptoms: I've been experiencing restlessness, pacing, dread, tingling/crawling/itching skin, and a gnawing sensation in my chest for about eight years. I medicated with heavy alcohol use and Xanax to manage symptoms. But since getting sober seven months ago, it's become more noticeable. I'm unsure if it's anxiety, akathisia, or just my brain recalibrating without alcohol.
Relief Measures: I've found relief through activities like body exfoliation, moisturizing, running, being outside in nature, meditation, and avoiding triggers like alcohol and caffeine.
Seeking Advice: How can I distinguish between akathisia and anxiety? Should I trust my psychiatrist's recommendation to switch to mirtazapine from trazodone? Any insights, comfort, similar experiences, or hope would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, fam!

side effects

lamictal, "painful rash on her body. When she went to the hospital, the doctors diagnosed her with Stevens-Johnson syndrome (SJS)...scariest part is that it burned me from the inside out – so all the burns on the outside were because my insides were so burned that it started to manifest on the outside of my skin. The rash had started to take over my body. It was like my arm had been cooked...blisters pop up in my eyes." https://www.financialexpress.com/healthcare/pharma-healthcare/woman-gets-burned-from-the-inside-after-taking-depression-medicine-know-all-about-this-bizarre-side-effect/3480746/
“The side effects were overwhelming...Beyond weight gain...paroxetine, fluoxetine, and fluvoxamine can cause irreversible damage to the kidney, while atypical antidepressants such as nefazodone, trazodone, duloxetine, bupropion, and sertraline may harm the liver. These medications have also proved to be fatal." https://www.nationthailand.com/health-wellness/40037855

psychologists

"Commentary: Letting psychologists prescribe meds is not the way to expand mental health services...Enhancing access to psychotherapy and other psychological services would better address mental health needs than letting psychologists prescribe...New York has many prescribers already: 4,090 psychiatrists, 58,680 non-psychiatric physicians, 20,150 nurse practitioners and other APRNs, and 14,790 physician assistants. All 97,710 of them can prescribe...Serious consequences can result from prescribing errors and medication side effects." https://www.timesunion.com/opinion/article/letting-psychologists-prescribe-wrong-approach-19442129.php

TV

X-Men '97 season 1 episode 9 "Not a lunatic. Merely a man trying to survive in a world that has proven his worst fears true." https://youtu.be/mp1Pax-QHlA

seizures

deadly "magnetic seizure therapy" requires "general anesthesia."

forensic

"in the criminal justice system across the state, essentially bringing Assisted Outpatient Treatment-type services that exist in Albuquerque to the rest of New Mexico." July it will become texas-ico. https://www.yahoo.com/news/mexico-considering-system-dealing-mentally-210816801.html

check your sources

"journalistic malpractice to not term STARD findings as—at the very least—controversial. Even psychiatrists within establishment psychiatry are questioning STARD’s validity, with some psychiatrists demanding its retraction. Other researchers have called STAR*D scientific misconduct, and one investigative journalist has termed it as fraud." https://www.counterpunch.org/2024/05/08/new-york-times-sinks-to-new-low-in-its-psychiatric-drug-coverage/

overcrowding

Kyrgyzstan "National Center for the Prevention of Torture visits Republican Center for Psychiatry and Narcology." https://m.akipress.com/news:772609:National_Center_for_the_Prevention_of_Torture_visits_Republican_Center_for_Psychiatry_and_Narcology/

whistleblowing

"Why whistleblowers in medicine are so few and justice for the harmed so elusive." https://archive.is/NrNcz

Islamophobia, racism

"Minority Fellowship Program – $15.4 million – This program aims to reduce health disparities and improve behavioral health care outcomes for racial and ethnic populations. The program also seeks to train and better prepare behavioral health practitioners to more effectively treat and serve people of different cultural and ethnic backgrounds." https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2024/05/08/biden-harris-administration-announces-46-8-million-behavioral-health-funding-opportunities-advance-president-bidens-unity-agenda-may-mental-health-awareness-month.html Muslims never believed in mental intoxicants.

guardianship

"Congresswoman Mary Gay Scanlon (PA-05) today joined Senator Bob Casey (D-PA), Chairman of the U.S. Senate Special Committee on Aging, in introducing the Alternatives to Guardianship Education Act to improve the awareness of" supported decision making. https://scanlon.house.gov/news/documentsingle.aspx?DocumentID=658

Currently in my longest? depressive episode ever. Started in August 2023 and involved going off my meds a couple of times. When I first started taking lamictal at the beginning of 2023 my mood massively improved at the 100mg mark, then again in the winter but I had to stop because I had some suspicious skin/rash stuff going on.
I’ve also been taking lithium for a few months now which I think has helped with SI. I’ve still been depressed but instead of wanting/planning to kms like I usually would, I’ve just feeling intense self loathing, guilt, staying in bed all day, isolating and ignoring everyone. I have hundreds of missed phone calls and unopened messages lol.
Anyway, I’m hoping that 100mg does what it did for me before. That would be nice.

hi, been on medicine for about a year now but i got a new doctor who changed some of meds just recently. i'm currently taking 200mg lamotrigine (lamictal), 20mg fluoxetine (prodin), 2.5mg aripiprazole (abilify). she swapped out risperidone for aripiprazole.
i don't know why but i'm thinking because of these changes my skin started acting up, getting about 2-3 new pimples on a daily even though i take care of my skin and have no history of bad acne and had clear skin for most of my life except for those little breakouts every once in a while.
anyone here also the same? i'm gonna ask my doctor about this but my consultation is by next month.

[44F] on Lamictal, Seroquel and Depakote for bipolar. Benadryl for MCAS. 260 mg iron supplements. Anemic so getting an infusion right now and have developed a rash. Adding labs in case that’s helpful.
https://imgur.com/a/ZQtMrRb
During the premedication period I received 50 mg of Benadryl and within minutes got a rash. It goes from wrist to elbow, red and itchy, and it stings. It went away so they thought it was a fluke. I’m not allergic and take Benadryl every day for MCAS. They flushed and then did dexamethasone. A couple of minutes later the rash was back. I did not react to saline. They don’t know why my skin is flushing and rashy but since it seems everything else is fine, they aren’t concerned. Now doing the test dose.
What could be a cause? I’m not worried since they aren’t but I am curious.
ETA: spouse just reminded me it happened about ten years ago with Zofran and funny enough they gave me IV Benadryl.

Im in my early 30st. I had a handicap since i was a kid that led to a childhood full of bullying and resentment. Was SAed by a trusted family member (not close family) Bullied throughout kindergarten, elementary, and secondary school, it triggered me do much that I Feveloped a skin rash linked to stress and uncured. Got type 2 diabetes at age 14. Had body image issues as a teen/young adult.
Started self harming on and off by age 14.
My older siblings were overlooked since i got all the focus and attention being the youngest child and the sick one. I had to be accompanied by my parents for physical therapy and for talk therapy (for kids) for years and years. So i lived with the feeling of guilt since i took away all our parents focus, and time.
By 19h i was officially diagnosed with chronical depression and general anxiety. Started using meds to just survive day to day life, but was never happy or anxiety free, just alive.
By age 25 i tried to commit suicide and failed. (Insulin overdose: no one knew it was intentional).
I turned 30 and my doctor officially diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. I read about it and it makes sense.
I have a job that im giving the bare minimum to, and feels guilty for letting them down. No friends because i cant keep a human relationships since i go through a lit of isolating phases. I still see myself as the biggest burden to my old and tired parents. And a disappointment to my own self. I dont want to get better i want to disappear.
Im thinking about ending it all.
I dont want to traumatize my parents so no jumping from the rooftop or hanging in my room, im doing it by meds.
I heard that if u mess up you can fuck urself up and not die so im looking for tips to not fuck it up.
Meds that i have access to: fast acting insulin Risperdal (raspidone) bromazepam (lesomil) Lamictal (Lamotrigine)
I dont want to suffer and end up in a coma. I want to fall asleep peacefully and never wake up. What is the perfect mix to get this result?

My APRN doubled my dose of Lamictal with no titration and then five days later I had full body hives. Doctors pulled me off Lamictal with no taper and put me on Prednisone, which I'm now tapering off of, and I feel completely out of my mind.
My body feels awful. I feel like I'm going to burst out of my skin. I'm anxious. I am hypomanic and very depressed. My thoughts are racing. I have done everything I can to stay grounded.
This feels so scary and awful and I don't really know what to do anymore. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm bloated and paranoid and my brain is filled with bees.
This sucks.

32F
Meds: 200mg Spironolactone, Minoxidil, Lamictal, Wellbutrin
I keep getting this specifically under my big toe (sesamoid region?). It's spiky and hard like a peeling nail cuticle.
This wouldn't bother me if it didn't snag on my blankets and cause pain.
It's only this spot that it happens.
I work from home and almost never wear shoes or socks, I walk around in foam slippers that are specifically for home use only.
I'm wondering if this is just a dry skin issue or if it's the start of something else (like fungal or who knows what). Lotion doesn't do much to help this.
Picture in the comments.

Hello all,
I have not been as active in this community as I should be, yet I have interacted with many in DM's, most from seeing my posts and reaching out to me to hear more of my story. I'd like to introduce myself, tell my story as quickly as I can, and most importantly, see if there's any others out there that do beef only at a high fat percentage for mental health. I need others in my life on the same path to keep me accountable. Also, helping others helps me greatly.
I urge you to take a few minutes and read what I have written. I know it is long, but it just may be worth it and make a difference in your day or even your life.
I am a male, 47, 5’6”, 150lbs, married with one kid, living in NJ. I have suffered mental health issues since I was a kid, but started my first treatment at 13, which was for my most recurring and prominent symptom: anger. My other prominent issues are irritability, depression, and a sense of wanting to die, but not actually kill myself, just yearning for my suffering to end.
When I am off, I am a huge jerk, I yell at my kid and our relationship is greatly strained, I am mean to my wife, I procrastinate and can’t start projects, and if I do, I don’t finish them; if a stranger in a parking lot who glances at me for a split-second pisses me off, I want to know what the F they are looking at and wanna go kick their you know what. Life can feel impossible, and I hate it and myself so much.
When I am on, I am happy and calm, I handle my kid’s issues with ease and we are best buddies, I am friendly to my wife, and that same passerby in a parking lot gets a smile from me and I am super-friendly. I tackle a to-do list with vigor and do everything from start to finish. Best of all is life is so easy and I am excited for every minute. I love living and myself!
From age 13 until now, I have suffered substance abuse, attended two separate IOP's (intensive outpatient programs), done many, many years of therapy, and taken all the available drug types. The only meds that ever worked were seizure drugs, and Lamictal was the best for me. I also started smoking pot when I was 16, which was the only thing that ever made me feel ‘normal.’ Unfortunately, I am a huge addict, and I did lots of other drugs for a long time, but pot was always my main drug of choice. It took me a long time to realize the anti-seizure effect is why deep ketosis works for me. The pot strains that worked best for me are the ones used for seizures, then add in Lamictal, and the diet; they all work in similar ways. Had a major light-bulb moment when I put that together.
As for my diet, I was vegetarian/vegan for 20 years, the last few were raw vegan. As I ate more plants, and less animals, my physical and mental health declined, but I just thought I needed to find the right plants or supplements. I started to add meat back about 10 years ago, but still ate mostly SAD, and because I smoked pot to feel well, I’d eat massive amounts of carbs, mostly late at night before bed. For a few years my annual blood checks showed I was prediabetic, Fasting glucose was 96, then 104, with 106 being my highest.
When my kid was born in 2016, I was powerlifting heavily and eating low-carb to attempt to stay lean and get stronger, but I didn’t really know what low carb was back then, I just knew when I tracked my food intake and kept my carbs below a certain amount, I felt better and didn’t gain weight. Those of you who know, having a kid changes everything, plus, two months after she was born, I had a nasty fall off a ladder, dislocated my hand, and shattered my wrist; it was severe enough that they considered fusing my hand to my arm, which would mean I could no longer bend my wrist. Luckily, I am fully recovered, and it does not bother me or hinder me in any way; that’s a whole other story.
It took 2 years to recover from that injury, and during that time, we were tight on budget, so I was eating pasta and homemade sourdough bread every day. In addition, I couldn’t exercise how I wanted to. This all led to putting on 40lbs, having terrible skin, eye, and other issues, and I was angry, miserable, and wanted to die. Man, I still miss the process of making sourdough, I was 2-years in at that point, made two loaves every week, and the starter was like my baby.
Anyway, in 2019, I had enough of feeling so terrible and remembered that lowering my carbs helped in the past, so I started that. I removed bread and pasta, tracked carbs, and I lost 20lbs quickly, and felt much better. I naturally got myself down to what might be considered paleo, and ate things like meat, eggs, avocado, nuts, and cheese. I vividly recall hearing Vinny Tortorich, the NSNG guy, on Adam and Dr Drew’s podcast talking about a carnivore diet, where people ate only meat. It sounded like the most ridiculous and impossible idea, but the thought stuck in my mind. As I began to eat more meat and less plants, I couldn’t ignore that I felt so much better, and life was getting better and easier. So, I followed that path.
Within 6-8 months, I was almost full meat-only, with some butter and cheese and maybe other little things added in. I lost another 20 pounds and felt awesome mentally. However, this is when I started having electrolyte and energy issues. I discovered I needed more fat and started buying fat trim from my local butcher. This is also when I started to see a carnivore presence online and listening to Paladino, when he was still actually a carnivore, not the carnivore-ish thing he does now, lol. Because of him though, I began to eat organs and seek out as much of the animal as I could. I still regularly eat liver and heart, and marrow and brains for their mostly-fat content.
I don’t want to bore anyone with too much detail, so I’ll skip ahead. I’m passing over so many details of my journey, and if anyone is interested in chatting about it, please feel free to reach out. Over the next 4.5 years, until now, I have been experimenting heavily and have found that beef only, at a fat ratio of around 90%, or higher, is what works best for me. Digestion and skin are perfect, and mood is bliss. Dairy, wheat, and gluten, cocoa, and sweeteners like monk fruit and stevia are some of my worst offenders. If I eat those items, within 48 hours, my anger and skin issues return, along with many other symptoms including pain in my healed wrist and other body parts. When I add in pork or chicken, even pasture raised, I will have some type of issues and it is less than optimal. This is how I found my HFBO path.
I have had periods of time where I felt the best I ever had in my life. I am a different person when doing this right, and can be a great father to my kid, which is the most important thing to me. I am not perfect, and I am still figuring things out and stumbling along the way, but I have a formula that works very well for me, only if I stick to it.
Here’s my key ingredients for success:
1. HFBO / high-fat beef-only, 90% fat, at or above maintenance calories so I do not lose weight. Ketones at or above 1.2.
2. Beam minerals, both electrolyte and trace mineral liquids, the capsules, and the sprays.
3. Physical activity and sunlight, with sprinting as my main exercise. (shout-out to Dr Shawn O’Mara)
4. Enjoy life and have fun.
Currently, and for many years, I do what is called OMAD, oh how I hate names and labels for everything. I was doing OMAD loooong before I knew it had a name and was a thing. I didn’t wake up one day and say, yeah, I think I’ll try OMAD next, I just naturally gravitated towards it. I had a 6-month period 2 summers ago where I did rolling 48s, and I have done many extended fast of 3-5 days with my longest being a few hours shy of 6 full days.
Unfortunately, I don’t always stay on track. Sometimes all it takes is a cold and being tired for my body to crave more energy, and if I am not careful, I either eat too much meat/protein, which, yes messes me up, or I eat carbs. Last week, this happened, and I had two days of eating stuff I shouldn’t. My remedy to get back on track is fasting. I started fasting on my own, before I knew it was a thing, then I found Cole Robinson and the snake diet. I love the Cole of 5-7 years ago when he was calmer and did hour long videos with so much info.
So right now, I am 90 hours fasted, and I feel amazing. This has been my best extended fast to date, and I have done lots of them. I credit Beam minerals for this, so anyone with electrolyte issues, like cramping or headaches, please check them out. I am full of energy and about to ride my onewheel for an aggressive 20 minutes on some trails, which, for those who don’t know, is physically demanding, then I will kayak as exercise on our local creek.
Check out my glucose and ketones numbers from the last few days, measured on a keto mojo:
Sunday morning, last day of eating crap:
Glu/Ke
105/0.5
Monday, after a 24 hour fast and working hard in the sun:
69/0.7
Wednesday evening, after 72 hours fasting (lowest glucose reading ever):
42/2.7
Thursday morning, after 85 hours fasting:
53/3.8
Plus, I am down 6 pounds, back to my weight before I ate way too much and too much junk for a few days.
Ok, let me wrap this up. I have met some incredible people here. One guy is close to me in Long Island, and I have become great friends with him, we talk all day every day. I love this dude, and while he is brand new, and is just starting to carve his path, he helps me more than he could ever know. Another guy I just met from Ca, is amazingly just like me and eats HFBO. We just spoke on the phone yesterday, and I can sense a great friendship building there. There’s a woman in Canada who does beef only, and we have spoken, but not as much as I’d like.
The LI guy and I have discord servers set up to bring us together. For him, he’s in need of others just staring out. I am there and willing to mentor and help in anyway I can. For myself, I want to interact with people that are trying to do what I do, and also expose the community to a version of metabolic therapy that has done amazing wonders for me. I don’t see anyone talking about HFBO as an option, and I feel it could be a major game-changer for many suffering people. So, let’s get the word out and bring like-minded people together! Feel free to reply here or DM me.
As a side note, my child also suffers similar symptoms and we have tried several meds. It was the typical med experience and only work somewhat for some of the time. She’s only 7 and suffers greatly. The next move by her neuropsychologist was to put her on SSRI’s, but my wife and I agreed we didn’t want that, especially after some terrible med experiences with her already. With the help of her neuropsych, she’s been on a therapeutic ketogenic diet since the start of school year and has experienced so much improvement. We keep her fat 75-78% and she still eats up to 50g/carbs a day, sometimes more. We track her ketones on a Biosense breath meter 2x/day. If anyone is interested in chatting about that, hit me up. My kid and I are starting a YouTube channel to share our experience along with the other typical social accounts. I see a void in the community for this content and feel we could help many people.
If you made it this far, I sincerely thank you. Writing this post has helped me and you reading also helps.
Edit: I have my socials setup and my handle is @MT4MH on Instagram, Facebook, and X. Same on YouTube, where I posted my first video, which is me narrating this intro with extra content added in. My email is MTforMH@gmail.com.
MT4MH = Metabolic Therapy for Mental Health

Hi yall— I’ve been taking lamictal for maybe three months now. Honestly, i don’t really think it’s doing anything, but more importantly, my financial situation has drastically changed and i don’t have the funds to continue to meet with my psychiatrist. Realistically, i don’t have the funds to even meet and discuss no longer meeting. But— I have a skin condition, one which already admittedly has been worsened by this medication, and i don’t want to risk going cold turkey when i have nearly a month of medication left, especially after everything I’ve heard about the rash. For context, im on a rather low dose of 50mg. Has anyone quit before, and what was that experience like?

Hi everyone,
So I also have a bipolar 2 diagnosis - in addiction to ASD/ADHD Dx - and especially struggle with dysregulation during PMS and at 45 my hormones are changing and it's all worse.
Long story short, was on Strattera 80 mg for 1.5 years, got off a month ago due to mild-moderate digestive issues, this month the rage and emotional dysregulation was too much.
Like an hour ago I felt so impulsive like I was going to go off to a fancy hotel for two nights for a staycation I can't afford and drop out of my life for two days - it was the only solution I had to deal with my bizarre "I can't Anything" mood. Had a massive meltdown (alone) in the car with an unexpected traffic jam today and I still haven't recovered from the rage spell. Been on shutdown, low lights, feeding myself good food... so glad I live alone.
It was so bad this night I just wound up taking a Straterra 80 mg. And within like one hour night and day - I'm already calmer and without 100 thoughts screaming in my head and I no longer have this feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin. Also: I don't feel hopeless about life.
Strattera may help with focus and task initiation for some - but the main thing it does for me is regulate emotions, cut down rage. I need the Vyvanse for task initiation.
I'm also on lamictal and bupropion.
Wondering if any of you feel this. Most subs everyone hates on strattera nonstop - kinda baffles me, but all the psychotropic drugs I take usually do exactly what they're designed to do perfectly. Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with TSH level.

Hi all, just seeing if it's the medications I am on. My GYNO says it's not menopause (37f and I have had a hysterectomy 4 years ago, but still have ovaries). I am currently on the following meds- Pristiq 100mg Topimate(spelling?) 100mg (50 morning and 50 night) Lamictal 150mg Seroquel 200mg My night sweats are so bad I will wake up with pruned fingers, I have to change blankets out etc. I finally broke down and bought cooling blanket, pad and pillow case. There are times I'll still sweat, sometimes it's my legs, sometimes my chest and head and sometimes all over. Now to my point lol, since this awful sweating has started I'm dehydrated all the time. I chug powerade zeros with drip drop hydration packs add, pedialyte with electrolyte packs added etc. It's like no matter what I do, I am dehydrated. The back of hand pinch test my skin always tents and takes 5+ seconds to go back down, dry eyes, leg cramps and I'm just at a loss what else I can do. If anyone has found the secret to beating this. Please let me know.

I’m super sensitive with medications and I first felt this want to jump out of my skin bc I’m so restless when my psych had me try lamictal. I took it for 2 days, 2 doses and I immediately felt off. I had other side effects from the lamictal like lock jaw and headache. So from what I’ve read from the posts on here, once you experience akathisia, you are more likely to experience it again and with any other medication? I went off the lamictal. Tried Geodon and had a weird interaction. Not I’m on caplyta. The first week of taking it, I was actually tired all day. But not I’m starting to have akathisia symptoms from this Caplyta medication instead. It that even possible this far into taking caplyta? I’m on week 2. I had a headache the first day that went away. I’m worried that I will have this issue with every antipsychotic even the atypical ones. I’ll be weirdly tired during the day and awkwardly at night I’ll be like purposefully switching and scratching and moving my body around to deal with the insane feeling of restlessness inside.
Is it even possible for akathisia to only affect a person at night? I hope this will eventually go away but not I’m reading from other people experiences that even tapering off a med can cause this feeling. Btw from these 3 meds I’ve tried, they have all been at the lowest dose.
What supplements might help with akathisia that actually work for ppl. I don’t want to be on yet another medication with this trial and error. I feel like im an experiment. Lol

Ok, first and foremost, i'm not diagnosed, i suspected, acted on what i could without meds and its helped a ton so i'm rolling with it, i can't afford to go right now.
So today was day two, i have autism specturm disorder, ADHD, PCOS, GAD and CPTSD
I take zoloft, lamictal,simpeese(birth control), hydroxyzine pamoate, metformin,berberine, and inositol supplaments.
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I started seeing more in my face symptoms about the same time my meds made me agressivly aware i was indeed on the spectrum. Symptoms that were somewhat tolerable got worse after the lamictal and its been that way sense. I've had dizzy spells for years, light headedness, heart racing, all that but it was never much to me so i ignored it half the time. Sense taking the medication, i have had severe thermodysregulation which is what landed me on the POTS FYP. So have a couple things i wanna ask about.
First of all, do you all get a burning sensation from sudden heat change? my house is somewhere in the 60's and as soon as i hit the 70's outside plus humidity, i felt my skin burning and then i got extremely itchy and was sweating insane amounts... i was literally taking care of my chickens.
Second, What in the world do you do when you need to stand long periods and can't step away to sit down? I've resorted to a little tikes yellow chair next to my stove to have some way to sit and get off my feet, they have a nasty habbit of turning purple, but the major reason is because if i ignore that over exasperated feeling i get, i get super lightheaded, heart racing, and then i'm laying down with my feet up waiting for the room to stop spinning and my head to stop hurting. it really sucks. But in cases where your away and literally can't sit down... what then?
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i'm sorry i am new to talking about it and i just hope i don't come off wierd. advice would help.
oh! and i do have compression socks but i'm not a fan of waring them inside because of the senory issue i have with stuff poking the bottom of my feet..

im sorry in advance for rambling. if you do have advice please give me. my dissociation, anger, ocd intrusive thoughts and depression is getting so much worse. i think of suicide 24/7. i dont remember life when i didnt. i cant comprehend how some poeple never felt like this. is there an end??? to this???
im bored of my face, everything too but recently my face???
im also always anxious and overreacting.
when will my lamictal take effect on my mood?
i have a list of ways to die.. i also wrote cons to them(so i rethink)
im afraid ill get bored of everyone and everything.
when im dissociating, i cant feel any love when i remember people i "love" i dont like this.. i cant dress the way i want anymore. i dress alt and i hate when people stare.. its expected but im still angry about that??? people here are so judgemental. my ocd doesnt make things easier either. bullying wrecked my self esteem, gave me social anxiety issues when i already was shy and quiet. body dysmoprhia too.. i cant see what i look like everytime i loom in a reflection or even the same mirror im different i cant take this i dont want to hurt anyone by killing myself
will i ever get better? this has been happeninf since im 10 i tried so many meds, therapy
im done i hate my parents for emotionally abusing me.. i have abandonment issues with my bf i dont want him to leave me im feeling so shit, im svwred he will get annoyed and angry of me feelinf like this all the time im scared ill leave him too and stop loving him??? help???? i dont want to work either i cant do that i love programming but i hate college since anything like that reminds me of school and bullies
i feel inferior to other girls
i feel fat even though im almost underweight my skin bothers me because i have rosacea and i exhaggerate it, since social media always has filtered pictures seeing my "huge" pores makes me feel so angry... even if i know they are filtered...
my nose too, i broke it when i was little, TWICE. my parents never bothered to take me to a doctor. my nose is now messed up, had a huge bump and the tip is round and big,,, to me atleast. i had a cute little nose with no bump at all. like my parents!!!1!1!
being pale and having black hair isnt fun either. my body hair is too visible and i hate it i hate my side profile i hate my tiny lips i hate how red i get from ANYTHING. i cwnt eat dairy, chocolate, coffee. cant go out in sun and heat. cant exercise, run, cant HAVE EMOTIONS BECAUSE ALL THOSE ARE TRIGGERS. theres no point in living since im so RESTRICTED i fucming hate this i hate everything my mom and dad have shit genes with mental illnesses AND THEY DECIDED TO HAVE ME AND MY SISTER WHO IS EQUALLY AS FUCKED UP FROM THEM. she is still the favorite child but i cant control that. you know how the younger one is the favorite. and im like the first pancake istg i got all the shit genes
im so ugly and hideous oh my gosh
please help somehow i dont know comment some coping mechanisms that helped you??? if someone even reads this!!?!?

EDIT: The main ones I am considering are fluoxetine (Prozac) and vortioxetine (Trintellix) because of their longer half life, but based on the Genesight results, I could also try desvenlafaxine (Pristiq), levomilnacipran (Fetzima), vilazodone (Viibryd), duloxetine (Cymbalta), or fluvoxamine (Luvox). Unless I want to try a tricyclic, which is tempting after seeing they’re used off-label for some of my physical chronic health issues! I need to check if I can get an updated list since mine is from 2021, though, and I know there are new meds not mentioned and possibly some no longer available. I’ve had much better luck with brand name meds also, so I know newer ones are less likely to have generics (my insurance will pay if no generic is available).
To preface, I am diagnosed with autism, adhd, and c-ptsd. I exhibit many OCD symptoms, but my doctors feel they’re better explained by my other conditions. I’ve more recently begun tackling treatment of my symptoms through an OCD lens because intrusive thoughts are one of my most debilitating symptoms, and the ADHD medication and autism diagnosis have practically eradicated my depression and anxiety. Yet issues that could fall under OCD still remained. I also have chronic health issues, like POTS, hEDS, and likely MCAS.
Currently, I take 150mg Zoloft and 15mg Dyanavel XR (amphetamine). It’s been working fantastically for nearly 2 years, with just some minor dosage adjustments as my tolerance increased. Unfortunately, while my intrusive thoughts are under control with Zoloft, at the current dosage my skin and nail picking has gotten out of control, as well as other things that I worry may be OCD-like symptoms or side effects. I have been getting “stuck” in what I’ve come to understand as compulsions much more frequently, and it’s really impacting my daily functioning. Also, my memory is even worse than usual, as well as my ability to manage my time or even conceptualize it, and I’ve become incredibly avoidant. I feel intense dread just trying to reply to a text, and it can take me a month or more to send a reply. I also feel like I have blinders on to everything that is bothering me or that I care about. I don’t feel numb, but more like it just isn’t processing. I know when these feelings are from autism or ADHD, and they play a role, but it feels different this time and has gotten worse without any typical triggers in the last 4-6 months, which is why I’m thinking medication.
I am wondering if I might have luck with something like Prozac or another medication that helps OCD symptoms? I’ve had pharmacogenetic testing, and nearly everything falls into the “moderate” list. I’ve taken Effexor, Wellbutrin, Seroquel, Buspar, Abilify, Lamictal, Tripleptal, trazodone, Strattera, Concerta and some others I’m forgetting. All either did nothing, had bad side effects, or stopped working after 6 months. I know from the genetic testing that I have the mutations that mean I produce serotonin but can’t seem to access any of it (I think it’s “reduced serotonin expression”), and I burn through dopamine faster than I can make it. I’ve also tried some OTC things, but they were either ineffective or couldn’t be tolerated. And I’ve done both neurofeedback and TMS treatments. Greatly benefited, but insurance would only pay for a certain amount.
I’m just so tired of this battle, and I don’t want to change meds if it’s going to make things worse, since it has taken almost a decade to find an adequate combo. But I’m scared of staying the same as well, because it’s impacting my job, caring for my health, my friendships, and staying on top of responsibilities.
I appreciate any advice or words of encouragement. I’m going to talk with my doctor soon, but I need help getting my thoughts in order and what I might want my next moves to be.

Does anyone here has any experiences comparing Lamotrigine to Abilify?
I know they aren't the same class of medication at all, just want to know if some people had different effects on one and the other.
Tried Abilify yesterday, and i'm never going back on it (terrible, terrible emotionless bad trip, the more i think about it the more it scares me). Doctor gave me this after i talked about getting on Lamictal because the skin side effect may be too dangerous.

So first off, I am doing great now, I am newly returning to therapy after watching the Netflix documentary “The Program” and hearing someone say something to the effect of “therapy was used as a tool of abuse, so although we all really need it, we don’t seek it out”
I have a husband and we have been together for 6 years, 3 dogs, and a house. I struggled with keeping a job in my 20s because my trauma from the troubled teen industry has spilled over into my life at times. I put myself through college slowly and now work in finance.
—- before chamberlain ——
I had behavioral and authority issues growing up. My mom would verbally abuse me and occasionally hit me (maybe 5 times in my whole life), but she would berate me for nothing, start a fight and kick me out of the car miles from my house and force me to walk home, she would then shower me with gifts and trips. I recognize now this is an abuse cycle, I did not know that as a child obviously.
My dad overdosed from oxy and booze when I was 11. He had been struggling with his addiction for a long time. My mom kept him away from us and we never saw it. He went to prison when I was 7 or 8 and he wrote letters saying he was in Africa.
My mom never wanted me. She got drunk when I was in my 20s and told me I was a “whoops baby” it put all of her behavior in perspective for me. She had presented me my entire life, it’s why I was scapegoated for everything wrong in her life rather than my two older sisters, my two older sisters would also misbehave, but never got treated like I did.
My behavioral issues were all verbal, I very rarely ever put my hands on anyone, but my upper middle class school did not have detention, just in or out school suspension. I was suspended if I refused to participate in something like gym, or if I said “fuck” I was marked as troubled and always got suspended, even if it genuinely was not my fault.
My mom would trick me into saying I wanted to die at the age of 10-12. It literally feels like watching cops interview and convince a mentally ill person to confess to a crime they didn’t commit. She would ask me if I was unhappy, and ya, I was. She would ask me if I “didn’t want to be here anymore” and like. Ya. This place sucks. I hated being angry and not having the emotional capability to realize my circumstance and rise above it. I didn’t have the words or thoughts outside my own experience. I thought everyone had what I had, I thought my mom was like all other moms. She would trick me into saying I wanted to die so she could put me in a locked unit for a week and go traveling or just have “a break” from me.
My two sisters never had this with her. They still speak to her and one of them even lives with her with her children. I see my mom with my baby nephew and I’m angry that she “gets” to move on.
My mom shopped me around to different psychiatrists until she found one who who tell her what she wanted. I went to 2 with no diagnosis, and the last on diagnosed me as “shows symptoms of bipolar” I was around the age of 12-13 at the time. He then put me on a range of drugs that made me a zombie. Lithium, reciprocal, Lamictal, and a bunch of names that I don’t remember.
I am currently seeing a therapist who said the most important thing I’ve ever heard, she said “your mom needed something to be wrong with you because then it wasn’t her fault”
CPS had been called anytime I let slip that my mom did something. They called her to tell her CPS was coming, she would tell me “ if they take you, you will be raped every day and locked in a basement. She would then clean the entire house and put on her best mom mask for the day. I would lie to CPS and say nothing was wrong. honestly, knowing what I know now about the system, I don’t think they would have taken me from her, they probably would’ve just made her take a class.
——— chamberlain ——-
I had a bully in public school and she was catty and mean. She spread a rumor about me and I confronted her. She called me a fucking cunt, a word that I was taught to never say. I called her a fucking bitch and I got suspended and she didn’t. I was in 8th grade at the time.
I was a mean little girl, don’t get me wrong. But of all the things to be the final straw, it is actually funny to me that it was this. I was so mean to some people and I’m surprised it wasn’t another thing.
My mom had had enough and pulled me out of school. She made the school pay for my chamberlain stay, because of “No Child Left Behind” I had a right to an education and the school “couldn’t provide” it.
We settled on chamberlain because at the time, I only had to wait 2-4 weeks to be able to go home (I really don’t remember the rule) but the next Harry Potter was coming out and we always went to the midnight showing when my dad was alive. It was a special thing that my mom kept up after he passed.
I was put into 3P, a “general” girls house. My house parent was Heidi but she was extremely pregnant and left. She was replaced temporarily with a woman whose name sounded like Martcia (maybe) they would all constantly say fucked up shit to us. They weren’t social workers, they were just there to make sure we behaved according to them.
Chamberlain boasts on their website that they take all sorts. Autism, schizophrenia, drug abuse, behavioral issues, and whatever else, they don’t talk about how they put all of those people in the same room and what that looks like. As someone who just had loose behavioral issues, being in a room with extremely aggressive people, I was constantly targeted and bullied. I was beat up a lot of times. I had my clothes stolen. I had items of mine stolen from both staff members and other students and I verbally, bullied by both staff and students.
I never had an eating disorder, but for some reason my file said I did. I was a really average weight and never binged and purged and I always ate everything on my plate, for some reason though they treated me like I was anorexic one of the house parent would go around and say things like “where are my little purgers?” After we ate to make sure we weren’t puking. If a 13-year-old girl is throwing up after a meal. They really should not be spoken to that way.
I had a couple friends, one of them, shortly after he left Chamberlain, overdosed and died. Another went on to basically block all of us and go no contact which I think is something that a lot of us have to do to get over it every once in a while, I’ll remember someone’s name and I’ll google them and I’ll see that they either died or were in jail multiple times for something like drugs, theft, or assaulting a cop.
It hurts to see that.
Eventually I got to be recognized as a non threat, non interesting student. I was moved to 32p, which is the admissions office, or was at the time. It had no cameras, and all of the girls that lived there were also high level, non risks.
I have really sensitive skin, this is so silly to talk about, but I get hives from walking through someone else’s perfume, and that hurts! sometimes it gets so bad that my skin starts to scab and really gross and basically fall off from the reaction. My house parents at 32P, Donna would assign me to vacuum and make me use this powdered substance on the carpet to then vacuum up and make the room “smell nice” the first time I had this chore. I got really bad hives on my chest and any exposed skin, including my face. The next time I got this chore, I asked if I could not use the powder and she looked at me And said, “but I like the smell”, I told her that I got hives and I asked her if I could switch with somebody else, but she made me do it anyway, and I got hives. She would always use it even though she saw that I was suffering and thinking back on it, I think she did it on purpose.
The good ones leave. At 32P I had two house parents, and forgive me if that’s not what they’re called but it’s like the head staff person in charge and then there are other staff around but at 32P we only ever had two staff because there were only like 7 of us, one of them was named Lindsey and she seemed to really understand how hard it was for us to be there. She was tough, but extremely fair. At 3P, it felt like you were never allowed to have fun, at 32P it felt like all you had to do was follow the rules, and then you could have fun. We would all sing and dance to music, we did karaoke in the car, on free iced coffee Day at dunks she would bring us all so we could get a free iced coffee. I find it really funny because these moments of joy at Chamberlain are a joke. Imagine reflecting on your time in a place and the only positive memory you have is that you got to sing in the car and get an iced coffee once a year.
Again, all of the girls in this house were not physical threats, not drug users, really pretty chill people all around. I was the youngest girl there, all of the other girls were 17 to 18 and I was 14 to 15. Lindsey ended up quitting to work in interior design, or that’s what they told us. Jobs like this are low paying and attract people who need a job, the people that stay are typically not great employees because great employees can do anything, and they can move on at any time. Very few staff members were “good people” I remember a lot of the staff who had been around the longest or some of the meanest — there were very few exceptions, Stephen Diggs was the nicest guy I’ve ever met and I wish that everyone there was like him. He treated us like people, not criminals.
Chamberlain was, at the time, a restraint first facility. Some staff members would purposely set off students with anger or autism just to restrain them. They would purposely upset a student who is known to get upset by saying things that they knew would trigger them just so they could restrain the. I regularly watched staff throw students across rooms for just being a little upset. I have trauma flashbacks of seeing young kids bodies bounce off of the ground. The first thing that they should do if a student is upset is get everybody to leave the room, that is not what they did while I was there.
I remember there was a student with Tourette’s, whose Tic was saying some phrase, I don’t remember what the phrase was, but a staff member would tease him by saying the phrase and getting him to freak out, and then they would restrain him.
I have some other loose memories, I have been repressing a lot of what happened there for a long time, and a lot of it is lost as I am now 31 years old and I was heavily drugged while I was at Chamberlain, but I remember that one of the students who was 18 years old, I think her name was Anna. She ran away with a teacher named Greg Rosenthal(?) Rosen-something. I also remember that a student who was from Bermuda ran away, when they caught her and made her come back, they forced her to take Plan B. I remember hearing about it directly from her, and I believe that that happened.
Staff would bully you and then reduce points if you reacted in any way, other than laughing it off, they would say things to make you feel small, then they would tell you to get over it. They would tell you that you’re misbehaving because you’re getting upset, even if they were the ones that said something wrong. In my adult life, I struggle to see red flags, because of the type of things that happened to me at Chamberlain, where something bad would happen and I would feel like something bad was happening and then a staff member would tell me to get over it and let me know if I should leave or not.
Chamberlain is not a therapeutic environment. I got therapy once a month because I was a nonproblem student. I saw students with larger issues than me have therapy once a week. All of the teachers and the staff are just trained to restrain you, they are not trained in therapy or how to de-escalate or anything.
They show off the good students on the website, I got to go to that flight school in Cape Cod and it was really cool, I was the only girl and the flight - Program and I remember having a crush on one of the boys and trying to hold his hand, I was maybe 14 at the time and one of the problems with Chamberlain is you cannot touch, and at that time that’s a normal thing to crave - human contact - a hug or holding hands is really normal and they take that away from you. I am so weird about physical contact now as an adult because if you touched someone you would fail to earn, I am comfortable with my husband, touching me, I don’t touch my friends, I haven’t hugged my sisters, it’s something that I am currently working on and I hugged my sister last week when I saw her and I’m proud of myself for that.
They will lie to your parents, I was aggressively assaulted by one of the students who was around 250 pounds (I was maybe 125 at the time) she was 16-17 and I was 12-13. she threw me to the ground and jumped on my back and beat me and I wanted to press charges, I was talked out of going to the hospital, Even though I had severe pain all over my body and I was really worried that I fractured something, I still have a scar on my back from her jumping on me and breaking my skin. I called my mom that night crying and I told her what happened and she asked to talk to my house parent. my house parents said that, I instigated it and insinuated that I deserved it. She then phrased to my mom - “What if your daughter had been the one to assault someone, you don’t wanna ruin this girl’s life by pressing charges”. They made me out to be a liar and I am not a liar.
I have never hit anybody in my adult life, I maybe hit a kid when I was very small, like 5 to 7, but what this girl did to me was absolutely brutal, and she walked me far enough away in the field and made me feel comfortable talking to her about a problem that we had against each other that I felt like was misunderstanding. She tricked me and it was premeditated and she jumped me.
Chamberlain put me in a classroom with people who were older than me, I was at the end of eighth grade and I was put in with 10th graders because I was ahead for their program I guess? I had already learned a lot and they put my learning ahead of where I was socially, they put me in a room with 15 to 16-year-olds who had a variety of different issues than me, including extreme drug abuse, schizophrenia, at the time “Asperger‘s“, bipolar, aggression, and it was really difficult. I was relentlessly bullied for months until a new girl came in. She was a little bit weirder than me and then she was the target and I felt so relieved.
——after chamberlain ——-
After Chamberlain, I went to a “in between school“ for about six months and then I returned to public school for my junior and senior year. I pushed Chamberlain into a box and acted like that was a different person, I acted like I was above it, and beyond it, and over it. I was very clearly not.
I graduated summa cum laude from my high school and had a loving, caring boyfriend and a stable relationship. I got into almost every college I applied to, including WPI, which was my reach school. I ended up going to UVM in Vermont for one year before dropping out because I was struggling so much socially and emotionally up there. I didn’t know how to have friends because of Chamberlain. It’s something that I still struggle with now. I ended up, dropping out and coming home to live with my mom, which was rough because she had abused me my childhood. I got a job in retail and got my associates degree, I eventually left retail to work in medical records in a hospital and felt that the only reason I kept that job was because it was a night job and I didn’t have to talk to anybody.
Eventually, I began working for myself doing weird a social media job, this worked for me for a really long time because I didn’t have to interact with anybody, and a lot of my audience were people who were not that great socially too, so I felt we were on similar footing. I eventually graduated college at the age of 29, I put myself through it a class at a time, not wanting to take on any student debt. During this time I had on and off jobs, a dog walker, a bartender, at a winery, as an administrative assistant, a part-time bookkeeper, I started a craft business that was successful for about three years, but I struggled to keep any job long enough because I was always a little odd. People love to meet me, they don’t like to get to know me.
I never had friends growing up, even after Chamberlain. I thought everybody hated me, and still think that way. When I went back to public school, a lot of rumors were spread about me about where I was, that I was in jail, Juvy, that I had a baby, it was all just crazy and I struggled to find people who wanted to talk to me and get to know me.
My mom continued to assert control over me until I left her house, she tried to charge me a lot of rent that I could barely afford so I couldn’t afford to save up so I could leave. because she wanted me to stay because if I stayed, then she could control me.
In my 20s, I tried a few times to approach my mom about my childhood, about Chamberlain, about her behavior, and it has never worked out. Obviously, I have a lot of negative feelings about what happened to me what happened because of her, and my behavior. It’s hard because, I take responsibility for what I can, but I was a child. The first time I was suspended, I was in kindergarten, that’s not normal. I felt that there was no one looking out for me my whole life. I had one really great therapist that gave me an “a-hah!” Moment. She said to me something like “your mom is always going to be this way, you can always expect her to be this way. The only thing that you can do is control how you respond to it.”
I decided last month to go no contact with my mom. She called me once last week and I picked up. We spoke for two minutes and I hope that’s it.
I don’t think she’s even realized that I’ve gone no contact because I live in a different state, and she genuinely does not care about me.
——- my actual diagnosis —- I have adhd and c-ptsd. I had behavioral issues because no child should have to be yelled at in the morning and sent to school and expect to behave.
If you have any questions, let me know.