I know that game’s goal is completing all evolutionary feats and evolving but i am not motivated to much about it thats why i created my artifical goal, expand to whole map and be the most dominant. First 2 days of playing the game i played normal (at this time i actived both attack mutations-BB CO 01/02). After two days game feel to easy and restricted to exploring new areas. It felt easy because there isnt any risk for me i can kill all animals easily (sometimes i kill tiger with just one sharpend stick) and restricted because of need for going back to settelment after one day. My new strategy is producing 24 sharpned stick with mimic feature and reproducing when i used most of them, living nomad life and going as far as i can (my expactation is there must be a point where its to hard for my level). After 20ish hour gameplay (i get out way one time and traveled a long U) i arrived to ocean and almost never experianced hardship. Couple of time I experienced hardship because of my mistakes and near the ocean because of lack of food, water and sleep depravation (btw appreciable effects of low life expectancy is just having a so little stamina for me) apart from those it is a so comfortable travel, %95 of time i never feel hardship. I am not sure but big part of this carefree experience is those 2 mutations but i think the real problem is just having one challange (animals), for example there can be short supply for food, water, dead branch on far sides of the map or a lot severe fear of unknown. Lastly clan members dont die if they are following you and if they are outside of the settelment. For example on the ocean area my adult character had smaller life expectancy than elder but elders dont died, I forget my one elder on some where and it dont die for probably 30ish days until i pass genaration(i can see from my clan hud) or one tiger dont killed clan member for literal 5 minutes (clan member try to attack but it failed and it wait for my help), i can give at least 5 examples like those. At the end of all i think game isnt bad i entertained but it has got problems to.

[I wrote this article about Macbeth for my college's newspaper, and I thought this subreddit might enjoy reading it!]
I have joked before that Shakespeare’s two favorite subjects–surpassing love, murder, madness, and crossdressing–are botany and birds. If you’ve been to New York City you might be aware of the “Shakespeare Garden” in Central Park, whose theoretical aim (though it proves nigh-impossible in practice) is to house specimens of all the plants which Shakespeare mentions in his plays. As it turns out, Bard quotes make for quite a diverse garden: there are roses which assuredly would smell as sweet by any other name; there are daffodils, that come before the swallow dares, and take the winds of March with beauty; there’s holly, heigh-ho; there’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance, there’s pansies, that’s for thoughts, there’s fennel for you, and columbines–no word on whether or not they could find any violets, though. I suppose there’s no objection to be made against those who complain that Shakespeare’s language is “flowery”; even as vicious a villain as Iago deigns to express his philosophy on life by way of botanical metaphor: “Our bodies are our gardens, to the which our wills are gardeners.” And, of course, the plot of A Midsummer Night’s Dream revolves around a magical flower which makes people fall in love.
I doubt anyone will object to my claiming of birds as Shakespeare’s other poetical fixation: I suspect that the majority of falconry knowledge which most non-falconers have today comes from reading footnotes in their copies of Shakespeare plays, explaining exactly what Richard II means by “How high a pitch his resolution soars,” or why Hamlet says “Hillo, ho, ho” to Marcellus. But while plants are so common in Shakespeare that I don’t know of one play which we might say is especially densely forested with references to them, there is one play that stands out as particularly full of birds in comparison with the rest of the Shakespearean canon. That play is Macbeth.
This is the sort of thing that one only notices after having read a play so many times that the actual events of the plot become akin to the meter of a poem–beats which must be hit, and which start to feel so natural that one hardly notices them–and one’s attention drifts away from the big, important speeches and toward the more utilitarian words and odd little moments that bridge them. I am not the first to point it out, but it is, all the same, a delightful quirk of the play, and could be a good way for Sophomores to throw their classmates for a loop in seminar [Note: Students at our college study Macbeth during their Sophomore year.]: why are there so many birds in Macbeth?
KING. Dismay’d not this/Our captains, Macbeth and Banquo? SERG. Yes,/As sparrows eagles… -Act I, Scene II
LADY. …The raven himself is hoarse/That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan… -Act I, Scene V
BAN. This guest of summer,/The temple-haunting martlet, does approve/By his loved mansionry, that the heaven’s breath/Smells wooingly here: no jutty, frieze/Buttress, nor coign of vantage, but this bird/Hath made his pendent bed and procreant cradle… -Act I, Scene VI
LADY. Hark! Peace! It was the owl that shriek’d, the fatal bellman… -Act II, Scene II
LADY. I heard the owl scream and the crickets cry. -Act II, Scene II
PORTER. …come in, tailor; here you may roast your goose… -Act II, Scene III
PORTER. ‘Faith, sir, we were carousing till the second cock… -Act II, Scene III
LENNOX. New hatch’d to the woeful time: the obscure bird/Clamour’d the livelong night… -Act II, Scene III
OLD MAN. …On Tuesday last,/A falcon, towering in her pride of place,/Was by a mousing owl hawk’d at and kill’d. -Act II, Scene IV
MACBETH. …Light thickens; and the crow/Makes wing to the rooky wood… -Act III, Scene II
MACBETH. If charnel-houses and our graves must send/Those that we bury back, our monuments/Shall be the maws of kites. -Act III, Scene IV
MACBETH. Augurs and understood relations have/By magot pies and choughs and rooks brought forth/The secret’st man of blood. -Act III, Scene IV
LADY MACDUFF. …the poor wren,/the most diminutive of birds, will fight,/Her young ones in her nest, against the owl. -Act IV, Scene II
LADY MACDUFF. How will you live? SON. As birds do, mother. LADY MACDUFF. What, with worms and flies? SON. With what I get, I mean; and so do they. LADY MACDUFF. Poor bird! Thou’ldst never fear the net nor lime,/The pitfall nor the gin? SON. Why should I, mother? Poor birds they are not set for. -Act IV, Scene II
FIRST MURDERER. What, you egg! -Act IV, Scene II
MACDUFF. …there cannot be/That vulture in you… -Act IV, Scene III
MACDUFF. …O hell-kite! All?/What, all my pretty chickens and their dam/At one fell swoop? -Act IV, Scene III
MACBETH. The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon!/Where got’st thou that goose look? SERVANT. There is ten thousand– MACBETH. Geese, villain? -Act V, Scene III
Above I have listed every ornithological reference that I’ve found in the Scottish Play; as we peruse them, we certainly cannot conclude that every individual reference is of the same kind, or carries the same import. I will not pretend, for example, that, just because geese and ravens are both birds, the Porter’s invitation for the imagined English tailor to cook his goose in Hell merits as much attention as Lady Macbeth’s ominous declaration that “the raven himself is hoarse”. Nor do I think that any individual reference particularly demands explication; by itself, any one of these bird-invocations seems perfectly natural. Shakespeare’s talent is such that he can repeat a motif in such a way that on the macro level it is obvious yet on the micro level it hardly feels present. But that macro level is what interests me here: what impression is created, on the whole, by the presence of so many birds in this play? I have a theory, which, though it may seem far-fetched, I think merits at least some consideration, and which, at the very least, I have not seen stated elsewhere, and so may make a novel contribution to the conversation.
Macbeth is both Shakespeare’s most supernatural tragedy and his most Sophoclean; these two superlatives are inextricably related. The appellative Weird given to the opening scene’s three Sisters–derived from the Old English wyrd, meaning destiny, and famously given its more familiar connotation by Shakespeare himself in this very play–is, among the Bard’s works, unique to Macbeth; and just as that word appears nowhere else in Shakespeare, so is the concept it represents absent in all tragedies but this one. Though Hamlet may cry out against outrageous fortune, and though Othello may rhetoricize about how no man can control his fate, it is only in Macbeth that we truly feel that the events we see play out before us are fated, predestined, inevitable. [See Note 1.] The ghost in Hamlet commands his son to revenge his foul and most unnatural murder, but does not tell him it is certain that he will succeed; indeed, would not the drama be sapped of its intrigue if that level of certainty were present? Meanwhile, the supernatural interlopers in Macbeth offer the Scottish thane not a mission, but a prophecy: All hail, Macbeth! that shalt be king hereafter! From its mystical opening word–When, not If–the Scottish play makes us aware of the certainty of all that is to befall our tragic antihero. Macbeth is thus a different sort of tragedy than Shakespeare’s others, and it works by an inverted mechanism. While the tragedy of, for example, Desdemona’s death is that it may have been prevented, the tragedy of Macbeth’s destruction is that it represents the fulfilment of fate; and this is the very same mechanism by which Oedipus Rex operates, complete with its own “Weird” character in the form of the seer Tiresias. Though Calvin managed to accept that some men are destined for greatness and others for ruin, this idea is, to Shakespeare and Sophocles, nothing short of agonizing–the stuff of tragedy.
Now: what does all of this have to do with birds? Consider these words from Antigone, spoken by Tiresias to Creon:
You shall learn, when you hear the indications of my art! As I took my place on my ancient seat for observing birds, where I can mark every bird of omen I heard a strange sound among them, since they were screeching with dire, incoherent frenzy and I knew that they were tearing each other with bloody claws, for there was a whirring of wings that made it clear… (Lloyd-Jones translation)
Consider next these words from Oedipus Tyrannus, spoken defensively by Oedipus to Tiresias:
Why, come, tell me, how can you be a true prophet? Why when the versifying hound was here did not you speak some word that could release the citizens? Indeed, her riddle was not one for the first comer to explain! It required prophetic skill, and you were exposed as having no knowledge from the birds or from the gods. No, it was I that came, Oedipus who knew nothing, and put a stop to her; I hit the mark by native wit, not by what I learned from birds. (Lloyd-Jones translation)
The practice of divining the future from birds–be it from their behaviors, their cries, or their innards–was, to Sophocles and his contemporaries, not superstitious hokum, but a practical science at which one could be skilled or unskilled, and it bodes ill for Oedipus that he is so quick to disregard it in favor of his own native wit. [See Note 2] By Shakespeare’s day, the practice had long been relegated to the realm of outdated hocus-pocus, but the Bard still saw some truth in it; in Macbeth, there is a recurring sense that, when the world is sick with some great wrong, its first symptoms manifest in the behavior of birds. When the “fatal bellman” the owl shrieks in the night, Lady Macbeth takes it as a sign that her husband is about his bloody business. The day after the murder of Duncan, as Ross converses with an Old Man about the strange things they’ve seen the previous night, “unnatural/Even as the deed that’s done”, the killing of a falcon by a mousing-owl–an omen straight out of Sophocles–is mentioned before the madness and cannibalism of Duncan’s horses, even though the latter would surely be more immediately noticeable and ghastly than the former.
These are the most obvious examples of birds as ill omens in Macbeth; yet even the more innocuous invocations of birds throughout the rest of the play continually turn our thoughts back to the ancient Greek understanding of fate and prophecy, and thereby remind us that, however savagely he may fight at Dunsinane, Macbeth’s fate is as fixed as that of Oedipus. The birds have already foretold all.
Note 1: The closest thing there is to this kind of fatalness in another Shakespearean tragedy is the several superstitious occurrences in Julius Caesar–both the soothsayer’s message of “Beware the ides of March” and the bestial portents such as the lack of a heart in an offering and the whelping of a lioness in the streets. Still, I will insist that these omens do not convey a sense of fatedness to the audience as strongly as the Weird Sisters in Macbeth by virtue of their being told to Caesar himself, not to Brutus, the play’s true protagonist, and by the fact that Shakespeare elsewhere uses dialogue to throw some doubt upon the idea of predestination: "Men at some times are masters of their fates:/The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,/But in ourselves, that we are underlings." -I.ii
Note 2: The Liddell-Scott Greek Lexicon identifies at least two separate verbs referring to bird-based divination, both of which are present in the quoted passages: Tiresias uses ορνϊθοσκοπέομαι, observe birds, interpret their flight and cries, while Oedipus uses οιωνίζομαι, take omens from the flight and cries of birds. The latter term comes from οιωνος, a large bird, bird of prey, such as a vulture or eagle, and so distinguished from a common bird, while the former comes from ορνις, which more generally refers to a bird, including birds of prey and domestic fowls. Birds of both kinds are present in Macbeth; there are οιωναι, such as the “falcon, towering in her pride of place”, as well as ορνες, like the Porter’s goose and cock. I therefore see little value in interrogating the kinds of birds invoked by Shakespeare, the specific cultural associations and significance of the owl, the raven, or the wren; rather, if we reduce them down to their barest existence as birds, animals of the class Aves, and consider them in an ancient Greek light, then things become a bit clearer.

You read that right. When I was 6, my mom lost custody of my brother and I, and after that happened I didn't see her ever again up until a few weeks ago. She got married traveled the world and lived her life. I spoke to her on the phone on and off over the past few years but we always lost touch with one another. She finally agreed (after flaking out many times on previous plans) for us to meet and it was a neutral experience in my eyes. I honestly felt pretty resentful to see how amazing her life ended up turning out and how happy she seemed while my brother and I were mentally, sexually, physically, and emotionally abused in our childhood by our father and stepmother. Also, when I was 15 my father left our family and my stepmother no longer wanted to care for us so I ended up in the system and ultimately on my own from that point forward. Life was a freaking struggle and I didn't have anyone to call to help me in times where I could have used the help. I felt resentful towards her for being so carefree and naive about life when I was in her presence. She casually threw around how she owned several homes and traveled the world and how financially free and set up she and her husband were. I just hated hearing it. The kicker to me was that she had the nerve to judge my brother and me for how we turned out and what we chose to do with our lives. Neither one of us are college educated but both of us are entrepreneurs. My brother is a millionaire and I'm still not in a space (yet) where my business has taken off and I'm bartending and waiting tables on the side (she's been criticizing me for this and telling me I need to get a real job).
This woman just doesn't get it. She even had the nerve to talk about my parenting (I had a child in high school and dropped out BUT I RAISED HER and she turned out to be a pretty damn good gal-She's currently in the Navy and I couldn't be more proud-plus she is such a daddy's girl and I am so proud that I was able to break a generational family curse two-fold).
Anyway, I was dreading Mother's day this year TBH, I knew she was going to expect a grand gesture from me and I just sent a text that said "Happy Mother's Day." She ignored the text and responded back today telling me I was pathetic for such a dry and unthoughtful Mother's Day gesture and that she deserved more than that from me.
She even got my brother involved and my brother told me I should have done more.
I'm so confused. Isn't Mother's Day for mothers who raised their children or am I nuts?

Considering multiple references to Massachusetts and Boston in general, I thought Nate lived in suburban Massachusetts. He’s a Diehard Boston sports fan, (which I know most Mainers are, but still). In the Social Studies Jeopardy, Gina gets a question about the state motto of Massachusetts, and answers it correctly. I’m not saying Gina couldn’t be that big of a big brain, but the question would only be relevant if they lived in Massachusetts. In my entire 6th grade social studies career was I ever asked about the state motto of even my state, let alone one which would be hundreds of miles away. As for the whole Boston reference, I assume the ballpark shown in the summer poem (“Remember the Ballpark in Mid July?”) was Fenway. I get that Mainers likely do travel to Boston to watch the Sox play, but I know Nate’s Dad wouldn’t drive all the way from wherever Rackliffe is all the way to Boston.

there’s just always something I have to put off good things for.
even as a girl with my period cycle. usually the 11 days before my period I am so irritated and moody. so basically take away 1/3 of what’s left of my life to that.
especially the first day of my period aka today I am EXHAUSTED from bleeding. and people say see a doctor but I don’t wanna go on birth control. I genuinely believe I am just healthily experiencing the full range of human emotions bc I find it healthier to experience than pushing it down.
but it’s just a reality of life that at the most u are genuinely feeling happier than usual less than 50% of the time. cuz u can’t be relatively happy more than that or it loses meaning.
but yeah my period day 1 no memories are ever made. i’m literally just recharging. it’s 6pm and i’ve barely moved from my bed.
youth u can go crazy and have fun and get drunk a lot for a couple years without it hurting ur future or health too heavily. I had that. but at some point it starts feeling meaningless and empty, even tho it felt like everything for years.
now i’m past that stage and rather set up a good future than meaninglessly throw away my future to temporarily forget my pain.
I mean I will plan something fun sometime soon. i’m just also exhausted from my first week of my new job.
so much of life, if lived healthily on my terms, is recharging, or doing “boring” things that set myself up for a better future (working out, doing things to save money, making healthy food, etc).
idk. i’m 23 and life is scaring me bc I feel like my years of genuine carefree joy (basically the first 2 years of college) are over and the rest of my life is bleak adulthood with 3-10 events of genuine fun a year if that. idk.
I feel like i’ve already met every kind of person. I met hundreds of new ppl at my job already and they didn’t even feel like new people to me. they all remind me of someone from the past. I feel like nothing in life can really be that exciting anymore and that makes me feel meh.
I can’t even enjoy crushing on people. bc fun crushes are never long term healthy. and I don’t feel like investing energy into something that will eventually not work out and hurt to lose.
idk what life is anymore but I might make food and maybe that will make me feel better.
i’m not wearing makeup and don’t feel like interacting. sure I will feel better and more refreshed tomorrow, but it is just so much to maintain basic health and rest. idk how ppl do it. I feel a little more stable than I did at 21 y/o, but a lot less excited about life. i’ve felt this was basically since my breakup when I was 21.
idk. i’m just reflecting. please don’t tell me im depressed. I don’t think I have a disorder, everything I feel and the logic behind it is pretty valid. I do still find joy in life I just feel like the realness of life is hitting me more as I am a 23 year old and as I get older. idk. I wish I could have a fun healthy exciting love story that lasted happily till old age. but everyone says don’t look for happiness in love so I get overwhelmed with what that means and don’t even try at all.
I have sm more to say but I kinda want my food and am kinda tired. I hope I feel better tomorrow. my period is just really heavy and exhausting today.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now. We met online and we’re in a long-distance relationship. I’ve had such wonderful times with him and I love him. But lately, as we’re becoming more serious, I’ve been noticing things about him that bother me. I feel like I don’t really have a normal boyfriend and I feel like I deserve better. I suddenly catch myself wondering if this is really going to work out and if I won’t be happier with someone else. I’ve really loved him so much, he was everything to me. I was always bursting with love for him. I feel quite numb lately, because there are so many things about him that I’m starting to notice now, and they’re starting to bother me. I feel resentment towards him.
First of all, he is a bit overweight and I’ve been waiting two years for him to lose weight. It stayed the same in the first year even though he promised me he would lose the weight for me. We dated for nine months online before meeting and he only told me he was overweight two months before we were going to meet up. I didn’t know, because the only pictures of him online were of when he was slim. He is starting to lose weight now, but it’s going quite slowly and I feel like I need to push him and help him all the time.
Second of all, he’s not financially stable. He’s a freelance writer but he doesn’t earn any money. He lives with his parents which is not ideal but wouldn’t bother me so much if he was actually employed and earning money. When we ‘works’ it’s just him writing stories and poems for himself. He does receive £500 a month because he once tried to commit suicide when he was 17, but that will end soon and still, it’s not enough. He also dropped out of college because of that so he doesn’t have a degree either. I told him that I would like him to get a job because we want to get married early and it’s important that he has a steady income before we do. He asked me if I could look for jobs for him, which was fine by me, I don’t mind helping. He looked a little aswell and asked around in some libraries but he’s not really doing anything about it now. He’s not actively searching. It really comes from me. He’s setting up his writing website now but even that takes so long. I don’t feel much motivation or ambition from him.
Third, he doesn’t have his driver’s licence and he doesn’t have a car. I was the one who really spurred him on to get lessons. He’s had two lessons from his dad in two months. He’s not really doing much for it. If he really cared he would make sure to get at least one lesson a week.
I feel like there are so many things that lack in him. I really love him, but I feel like I constantly have to see things through my fingers. I’m constantly waiting for him to do and achieve the things that I want him to do. I feel anxious and stressed. I’m starting to feel like I don’t have a future with him. I can’t see us living together in a nice house with children. I can’t see him being a father. It’s all just a dream. It’s not normal that I should make my boyfriend get a job and work and get his licence. He’s turning 25 this year, these are things he should already have and that he should be doing on his own, I shouldn’t have to tell him. I stayed because I really thought it would get better and maybe it is getting a little better, but it’s not enough. I don’t feel safe, I feel unstable. I feel like it’s just a game. I’m doing my part, I’m in college and saving as much money as I can. I feel like he’s not doing his part. And now I actually feel like I love and like him less because of all these things, because it makes me feel resentful and unnattracted to him. I keep imagining myself and a man who has a job and a house and is independent and even the thought of that makes me feel so relieved. I’m thinking of being with other people and it makes me feel guilty. I really don’t need much, I’m not asking for a huge income and a big house. And I’m also willing to work hard myself, but I can’t do it alone. Even if we just live in an apartment and don’t go on holidays that much, I don’t mind if I’m with the man I love. But this is not even at the minimum.
I’m all alone in bed now, he walked away angrily to sleep downstairs because I called him a manchild because he said he doesn’t want to come to my house during the six weeks we won’t see each other. It made me feel annoyed because even if he doesn’t like my house or my parents and is afraid of flying, would it really be worth not seeing me for so long? I feel so sad and hopeless. I just want a man. I’m done with this. I’m going home tommorow and maybe I should just break it off now, although his parents booked a holiday for us all in Cornwall in June. Please help me. I’ve always been willing to fight for him and wait for him and make sacrifices for him. I’ve been cutting down my own needs for him, but my patience and hope is running out now.

This is party 2 of a discussion regarding how poly could have been handled a little better in BG3. I recommend you read through the first part here: https://new.reddit.com/BaldursGate3/comments/1crb2s7/how_the_polyamory_could_have_been_handled/ so you can get context and I sound like less of a rambling weirdo.
​
Astarion:
Out of all the discussions, people were the most confused by this choice. Not only does making him poly at the last minute feel contrary to a lot of statements he himself makes throughout his romance arc, but it also runs counter to what other characters say about him and his backstory as a whole. He is one of the most insecure characters in the game, he was trained for two hundred years to lie in order to avoid punishment, and he has far more trauma and healing to do than the other characters. Astarion is the most likely to lie about the Halsin relationship in order to avoid appearing weak or demanding. Out of the poly players who expressed disappointment, Astarion was the one that bothered them the most, since many felt he wasn’t fully consenting.
Most of my reasons for why he’s not a good poly option (from a development standpoint) have already been stated in earlier sections, so most of this will be spent diving into the “Is he fine with poly or not?” debate, which had me intrigued. (This will be the longest section and won’t be as connected to the overall topic, so if you want to skip to the Halsin part, feel free.)
I’ll start with the main arguments I see defending him being poly.
Argument 1: He says he’s fine with Halsin and the twins, so we should take him at his word.
While this can definitely be argued, and it’s not good to treat an adult man like a baby, his constant lying as a defense mechanism and current issues with sex/relationships do need to be taken into account (if not by the players then at least by the developers). There were plenty of people (some of them victims of SA) who talked about their own experience of tolerating poly because they were scared of their partner leaving or finding them too demanding/narrow minded. This led to their self-esteem and views on relationships growing worse rather than better. For someone like Astarion, who outright admits he has never had a healthy relationship and doesn’t want to lose this one, it’s understandable that people view his response as a coping mechanism rather than his own genuine feelings. There were also two different mental health professionals who reminded players that although a few victims of abuse do enter poly relationships, statistically most do not and it is far more common for them to agree to poly relationships out of pressure (which often make the person’s mental issues even worse in the long run).
Argument 2: He claims to be fine with open relationships during Act 1.
This is countered by the fact that everything he says about himself in Act 1 is a lie (unless he’s specifically talking about Cazador). He lies about wanting to sleep with you, he lies about his identity until he bites you, he claims to only care about sex (then later admits it makes him feel disgust and loathing), and he brags about his former conquests (which you later find out he regrets and feels guilt over). His statements that he’s fine with open relationships are made when choosing between him and another Origin character in Act 1 or 2, but this is also said at a time when his act is still up and he isn’t in love with the player. If you choose between him and another Origin character AFTER he confesses and let’s his guard down, he insists that he is NOT fine with sharing. “You’ve decided to replace me?” If the player says they care about both him and the other person, he’ll say, “Don’t give me that. I can see what this is.” Then he promptly breaks up with them. This second reaction is not only said using his genuine voice (whereas before he was still using his fake one), but a few poly people mentioned that this isn’t a normal reaction from someone who is fine with poly.
This isn’t to shame people who want to think Astarion is fine with it, or to judge players who went through with the poly relationship. Instead, this is once again asking the developers why they chose this option, rather than someone who wouldn’t spark so much debate or remind abuse victims of their past without giving them a dialogue option to address it. (This is a similar issue with Astarion’s brothel scene. They should have either removed it by having him say he’s not comfortable again, or at the very least, let players talk to him about it after.)
I think it’s pretty clear that after reading the discussions and evidence both sides provided, I myself lean heavily to one side. However, the main defense I personally have for the opposite side is that the writers were sometimes vague about Astarion’s true preferences and wishes. I especially felt this during the origin playthrough, where his narrator would constantly flip between him liking hedonism and despising it. It gave the impression that two opposing authors were wrestling while writing him, unable to decide where he truly stood on things. It felt similar to how the devs tried to write a respectful story of overcoming abuse and the fear of being sexualized, only to turn around and repeatedly sexualize the character in both the game and promotional material. I really wish the writers and developers had picked a lane and stuck with it.
Now I’ll get into the evidence for the counter theory: That he’s not actually open to sharing, but says he’s fine with it to avoid appearing weak or losing his partner. I personally prefer this theory because it makes the writing seem more intentional, adds more nuance to an already complex character, and feels more realistic. However, even if this is what the writer or actor were trying to convey, it’s still a far worse alternative to simply keeping him out of the poly options in the first place.

1. His hedonistic playboy persona is stated to be a façade. Anything he says in act one about being poly and wanting open relationships is stated when he is both wearing his mask and before he trusts the player. Every statement about relationships here has to be taken with a grain of salt because his mask is centered around attracting victims for Cazador. Since he hated bringing “sweet innocents” to his master, it makes sense that he would initially try to attract the opposite (“criminals and brothel goers”) by sleeping around and making a show of wanting casual relationships.
   
2. Once he gets comfortable in the relationship, he makes it clear he is looking for someone who will make him feel safe and value him for his personality over his body (“I don’t want you to think of me in terms of sex. I don’t think I want anyone to.” “How do you want me to see you?” “As a person. Is that so much to ask?”). If the player chooses to sexualize him, he will go through with it, then regret it later and break up. He makes it very clear in Act two that he’s not actually looking for casual hookups because they make him feel “ashamed and alone”. So it is odd that he’s fine with Halsin (who seems to care more about the sex and the body than the emotional bonding) and the brothel (which is solely about sex). One can argue that he’s fine with the poly relationship because he’s not taking part, but Halsin DOES wish for him to take part ‘eventually’.
   
3. Jumping off of that, Astarion’s dialogue makes it clear he wants a partner who cares about more than just sex, but if you tell him you want to date Halsin solely for the sex (and because Astarion’s not doing it with you), he will say that’s fine and he doesn’t mind the player seeking sex from others. This seems to counter his previous statements and arc. It’s especially strange that even if you reinforce his greatest insecurity (that his refusal to have sex has made his partner immediately seek out other people), he will still claim to be fine with it.
   
4. In terms of dialogue, the actor for Astarion seems to be very intentional when using the fake theatrical masking voice vs. the more genuine softspoken voice he uses when he’s comfortable and being honest. The fake voice is blatantly obvious throughout the Act 1 romance, in Act 2 if you force him to obey the blood merchant (his voice goes from genuinely scared to flirtatious and over the top within seconds), and in Cazador’s mansion where he’ll speak genuinely to you, then be over the top when addressing Cazador’s servants. He’ll often use jokes and loud laughter to conceal his true feelings and insecurities. Meanwhile his laughter in the confession scene, graveyard scene, and Spawn epilogue is quiet and subdued because he’s being genuine. It feels like a strange coincidence that when addressing both the Halsin situation and the brothel situation, his voice becomes very loud and high pitched again, he immediately starts making jokes, and his laughter is over the top. This hints at him not wanting to go along with either situation, but he’s putting himself through it because this is what his partner wants and since he’s tolerated sexual stuff he hated before, he can do it again. Plus, after killing Cazador, he wants to ensure no one views him as weak. He has to prove to himself and his lover (at least in his mind) that refusing to take the Ascendant powers was good and he’s strong enough to not need it. I can understand players not picking up on the voice changes (because not everyone is going to replay the game or even care) but those who did notice it believe it’s done intentionally (either by the actor or the writer or both). If it’s not intentional, then it’s a strange decision to make from a developer’s standpoint.
   
5. Throughout the threads I read, most poly people made it clear that poly relationships require complete trust, clear communication, and general confidence. Astarion himself admits to lacking all of those traits to some degree. If you don’t romance him, he will literally not trust any of the characters right up to the epilogue (he’ll hold a knife behind his back while talking to the Dark Urge). Even though he does seem to genuinely trust his lover by Act 2, he will still lie to them several times. He lies about being fine with the drow twins (he states he’ll leave if he hates if but never does despite disassociating), feigns confidence when the player says they’ll become a mind flayer (he says he only cares about them becoming ugly but expresses his true fears only after the fight, that he’s worried they are no longer the person he fell in love with by losing their soul), he manipulates his lover when confronting Cazador despite being conflicted about it himself and wanting reassurance, and (on a more minor note) he continuously claims he’s doesn’t care about Yenna or the Gur children despite getting upset when they’re in danger. This is a character who, even after he kills his tormentor, struggles to be honest with his partner. That isn’t a good combination when addressing poly. (Again, it could be worked through in real life, but is better avoided in video games where there isn’t time to address it).
   
6. There are also plenty of situations where he agrees to do things he outright hates. In Act 1, we know he is (at least somewhat) disgusted by having sex with the player or Laezel, but he’ll do it. In Act 2, he tries to be genuine about not wanting to touch the player until he no longer feels disgust, but if the player pressures him, he will cave and obey. He does break up with the player afterwards, but it is only after he has gone through with the act. In Act 3, he will state three times that he doesn’t want to take the tadpole, but if the player pressures him by bringing up his darkest fear, he will give in. Worse, he will give in and STILL stay with the player romantically despite them clearly manipulating him to do something they know he fears. He does thankfully break up if you fail the checks, but if you succeed, he goes through with it. If he’s willing to cave to something as huge as altering his entire body, it makes sense that he would cave to something he views as more minor (like tolerating unwanted sexual acts in a brothel or sharing his partner).
   
7. I didn’t know this until I saw others mention it but there are points where he will flirt with NPCs if he is single (the girl in the sewers), but he uses neutral dialogue if he is dating the player. This reinforces the theory that he doesn’t actually plan to sleep around or be with others as he claims (though there are some dialogues that I think slipped through the cracks where he still flirts with others despite being in a committed relationship).
   
8. If Halsin propositions you after Cazador has been killed, Astarion no longer asks if you’re doing this because he hasn’t been fulfilling your sexual needs. However, he does give another response that feels out of place: “I’ve realized it doesn’t matter if anything (in our relationship) changes.” Parallel this with what he said at the graveyard, that “no matter what happens, I don’t want to lose this (relationship).” It’s very odd to have him say he doesn’t want to lose the relationship, but then the next day he is totally okay with losing it. Granted, it is nice to know that even if the characters break up, he’ll be fine, but it does feel contradictory for his character, especially with how devastated he acts if they DO end the relationship. If the Halsin statement is just an act and he’s overcompensating, however, then it feels more intentional on the writer’s part.
   
9. I’ve seen lots of people say that Ascended Astarion also shouldn’t be fine with poly, and I agree, though it’s for different reasons than Spawn Astarion. Unlike SA, I think Ascended would absolutely do the brothel scene because 1. He’s actively suppressing his trauma and playing a new character and 2. He feels in control in the brothel and is the focus. However, with Halsin, he doesn’t have any control. For someone obsessed with possessing his lover and ensuring they can never leave him, letting them sleep with Halsin doesn’t fit his writing. He isn’t participating. He doesn’t know what they’re doing behind his back. For all he knows, Halsin and the player might be discussing how to kill Astarion or escape him. In some deleted party banter, Halsin literally tells Ascended Astarion he doesn’t approve of the abusive spawn/master relationship they’ve formed. With that knowledge, not only should Halsin not be willing to join a poly relationship that he thinks is unhealthy, but he has a motivation to help the player get away from AA (and AA would know this). I could see Spawn Astarion hesitantly agreeing to the Halsin thing despite not wanting to share, but AA just wouldn’t. It feels contrary to both his and Halsin’s writing.
   
10. This is the second most convincing piece of evidence for me: The Drow twins. If you ask Astarion to join a ‘group activity’, he’ll use his fake voice and flighty laugh and agree to go through it, saying he’ll run away if he doesn’t like it and comparing the act to burning in the sun (a little concerning that he’s already comparing the two). Then during the act, he will immediately ask the player what they want “us” to do. Not only is he lumping himself in with the prostitutes, but he is also doing something that an Origin playthrough reveals is a trigger for him (he tells the drow twins that being ‘told what to do’ reminds him of his time as a slave). If the player tries to check up on him, he ignores them and says he wishes he was drunk. Then he disassociates and never brings it up again. This has been viewed two ways: either he doesn’t want to have casual sex anymore and wants to be in a one-on-one relationship, or he does want to do stuff like this but just needs to heal more before he can. I lean toward the first assumption because he is acting flighty and fake BEFORE the sexual act even begins. If he really wanted to do it but changed his mind after, it makes more sense for him to sound genuine at first, then fake halfway through.
    

But the main thing that sticks out to me is his reaction to you asking for only ONE drow twin. If you do, he will accuse you of having a thing for prostitutes and call it embarrassing, then glare at you for the rest of the conversation. This is especially sad because not only have the player’s actions made him feel like a prostitute again, but now he seems to be wondering if you started dating him BECAUSE he was a prostitute, not for who he really is.
Compare this to the Halsin situation and the drow ‘group activity’. For Halsin, he says he was expecting this for months. He’s had several months to plan his reaction and decide what he’s willing to tolerate. Hence, he has a very rehearsed reaction. With the twins, he had less time to anticipate this but probably also worried about it (especially if the player asked about them earlier and he said no. Now he expects the player to try again and has planned accordingly). Again, this response feels rehearsed and fake. The only response where he uses his real voice is when you ask for one of the twins alone. This is something he likely wouldn’t plan for, so we get to see his gut reaction for the first time: he doesn’t want you to do it.
Now some people argue that he’s fine with Halsin and not the other Origin characters because Halsin is just a fling and won’t try to take his spot. If that’s the case, he should be fine with the twins too. If anything, they are even less of a threat. Yet he doesn’t want you to do it and responds accordingly. If he truly was poly, he would respond like Karlach did and tell you to have fun, or like Shadowheart telling you to give him a heads up first. But we don’t see that.
One other thing about the twins that I felt I could point out: if you or the twins ask to do a group activity before Cazador is killed, Astarion says he’s not comfortable with this yet. The “yet” part has been pointed out to show that he’s fine with it after Cazador has been killed (even though he still disassociates later). However, another explanation of the “yet” part is that he’s trying to soften the blow because he’s scared of using a blunt NO. We see this with Araj, the blood merchant. Even though he is absolutely disgusted with her treatment of him and how she’s “defiling” him with her fantasies, his rejections of her are very soft and nervous. Even when reinforced by his friend/lover, he says “It’s still a no, I’m afraid” with a smile. Turning down sexual encounters is tough for him, even when he has people backing him up, so I can see him using words like “yet” or “I’m afraid” to soften the blow. I know several people in real life who do this, despite later admitting there was no “yet”.
There’s another part of this dialogue with the early twins that I want to point out (really overanalyzing here but if we want to believe the writers do things intentionally/with a lot of forethought, I think it’s okay to read into the words they use). When Astarion says he’s not comfortable with the twins, the player’s response is “I wouldn’t ask such a thing of you”. This will raise his approval and make him respond positively. The promise you give him is not “I’ll ask them later, after we’ve killed Cazador” or “I would have liked to but okay” (that one doesn’t trigger his positive response). He only approves of you saying you won’t ask him to do things like this (stated in a tense that implies you will NEVER ask him to do such a thing, regardless of Cazador’s stabbed or unstabbed state). This could have been the writer hinting that if you bring him back after, you’re going back on your promise and thus have to see the disassociating scene. That…or the writer wasn’t thinking too hard and we are simply thinking too much.

1. With all that out of the way, we’ll get to the final point that solidifies this theory for me personally. It’s the statements of Shadowheart and Minthara if you ask to do a three-way relationship with one of them and Astarion. Shadowheart’s response is: “I think you’re overestimating his willingness to share. He may seem like a carefree hedonist, but there’s something fragile beneath the façade.” Minthara says something nearly identical, that sharing would wound his pride and he is far too fragile to handle it. You could even add Astarion’s line from the other end, where if you ask Astarion to share with you and Karlach, he will say they shouldn’t because Karlach loves the player and relationships are fragile (implying that he either thinks open relationships don’t work if there’s love involved, or perhaps he himself can only do open relationships if he doesn’t love the other person).

The main argument I’ve seen disproving these statements by Shadowheart and Minthara is that they’re just plain wrong about him. If so, it’s a strange writing choice to not only have both of them be wrong about the exact same thing, but they’re both high wisdom characters who are proven to understand Astarion in a lot of ways other characters don’t. (All three of them have been enslaved and manipulated, Minthara comprehends the depths of his relationship with Cazador within minutes of being in the camp, and Shadowheart is one of the closest to Astarion in terms of friendship and liking him.)
If Astarion actually is fine with poly, then it means both Shadowheart and Minthara are wrong. That means the writers either made a mistake or made a very weird writing choice.
However, if Astarion is actually pretending to be fine with sharing as they say, not only is the writing consistent but these dialogues become very clever foreshadowing. I want to give the writers the benefit of the doubt and believe they did a good job with Astarion, so I prefer to lean into the theory that he’s pretending because it makes more sense for him overall.
That was quite a long tangent and somewhat unnecessary, but he’s a character whose mannerisms and statements are meant to be heavily analyzed, so it’s fun to go more in depth. Let’s move on.

1. ISSUES WITH HOW HALSIN WAS PRESENTED

We’re finally at the last point, and in a way the direct cause of this entire thread: Halsin. Now, I have no issue with Halsin being poly (again, he’s listed as one of my four ideal options for it) but I do have several issues with how he was written and presented. The Shadowheart part I will skip over because I already got into it, but there are many other problems to address and most of them could have been fixed very easily.

1. He is not presented as poly until Act 3. I was reading through a thread full of people who loved him and several of them were early access players who had requested he become a romance option. However, the reason they requested him was very important. In EA, all three of the male options seemed immature (Wyll), condescending (Gale), or straight up evil (Astarion). Meanwhile Halsin was, in their words, a mature man who seems like the type to settle down with them in a cottage and help raise their kids. This is the impression he gives and what drew many people to him. As a result, many of these players were extremely disappointed to reach Act 3 once the game was out and discover that not only was he the complete opposite of their initial impression, but he won’t even stay with the player after the game ends (in most cases). Honestly, if I was a developer and saw that they liked him for those earlier reasons, I wouldn’t make him strictly poly because that wasn’t what the players wanted. They wanted him because he was muscular and a good, stable man. It was a very odd choice to turn around and give the players the opposite of what they asked for. But if the devs were truly determined to go the poly route, they should have at least gone back to Act 1 and 2 and slipped in some hints that he was poly. I saw some newer players who recently played the game for the first time and wanted to romance him for the aforementioned reasons (stable, mature, kind, huge). They ignored all other romances until Act 3, then got hit with the “I’m only poly” discussion. Had they known he wasn’t monogamous, they wouldn’t have blown off all the other options.
   
2. But let’s ignore that. We’re focusing on the world where he IS completely poly (though some were arguing that it should at least be an option to ask if he’ll try being monogamous with the player.) The way he is presented still has a lot of issues according to poly players. For one, the way he tries to butt in on the relationship is done in a really sketchy manner (especially considering what some of the Origin characters have gone through/are currently going through). It would have been far better to do what they did with Minsc and give the PLAYER the option to hit on Halsin, rather than the other way around. Have them offer poly to him, and then he can discuss it from there. Having the proposition come from Halsin himself puts him in a negative light, and it’s pretty clear the writers didn’t actually want to portray him as a bad person so they messed up here.
   
3. The flagging for Halsin’s dialogues is awful and despite seeing people report it for eight months, that hasn’t changed. Even if you pick the most neutral option, he will still hit on you by saying “I think you feel the same way”. Not a good idea. “I HOPE you feel the same way” would have been infinitely better. Women often have to deal with people assuming their friendly, professional conversation is something more when it isn’t. It’s not a great idea to bring that into fantasy games too. It hit too close to home for some.
   
4. Even if you use the most neutral option at the Act 1 party (“Go have fun and mingle”), your main dialogue option the next day is “Sorry for coming on so strong last night”. It’s a strange thing to say. Again, I’m not sure how developers missed this and why it was never patched out. I saw people reporting it since the release.
   
5. He will also ask for a relationship at neutral approval. In most of my playthroughs, I stopped talking to him beyond the Thaniel quest and avoided asking about his personal life. He still led his proposition with “I think you feel the same way”. How does he know when we only spoke to him three times? They should have at least required you to go through all his extra dialogues before triggering this.
   
6. When Halsin says he loves you, you have two options: reject him straight away, or ask about his opinions a little more. Oddly enough, if you ask a bit more and THEN reject him, he’ll have a proper response. “That’s fine. I understand. I won’t ask again.” However, if you reject him as soon as he starts talking to you, his response is very off putting. He’ll protest and say, “but you asked me about my former lovers” or, if you didn’t even do that, he’ll claim “you looked after me with the care of a lover, not a host.” These pushy assumptions turned a lot of people off. This is entirely on the writer, in my opinion. He should have realized how weird these sounded.
   
7. Halsin is the only person you can’t dismiss from your camp at any point through dialogue. All of the origins have to be pursued and recruited intentionally. Halsin is the only exception. This makes some sense because you need him to cure the Shadowlands, but for Act 3, he literally has nothing to do. They should have given players an option after the Ketheric fight to dismiss him and tell him to take care of the Shadowlands. It makes a lot more sense narratively and would help avoid a lot of the more awkward parts later.
   
8. Halsin’s initial dialogue about monogamy vs. polyamory is mostly fine, with him comparing it to gardens and wolves vs. bears. But (and don’t quote me on this because I can’t recall the specifics), if you ask your partner to do poly and they say no, Halsin will be a little more judgmental about your partner, saying he was hoping they would be more “open minded”. Statistically, the majority of BG3’s players are going to be monogamous, so it’s strange to see nearly every character (monogamous or poly) criticize monogamy in some way. It is called selfish, narrow minded, and old fashioned by at least 3 characters to my knowledge (Halsin, Act 1 Astarion, and even Gale (who is monogamous himself)). If the developers truly wanted to be inclusive, criticizing one’s lifestyle and having no characters openly defend it in the game (even those who practice it) is a disappointing choice. In this case, it might be an unintentional mistake (maybe they feared that by defending monogamy, they were somehow demonizing polygamy or polyamory), but it would have been better to just leave the criticisms out of it entirely if that was the case.
   

And that’s it. I think that’s all the points from myself and others that I wanted to compile. I don’t think any of this will be changed in BG3 but I hope all of these points and opinions will at least improve any future games. It’s great that BG3 was able to make nuanced characters with their own opinions and preferences—I much prefer it to “everyone is poly and no one gets mad if you cheat” games where characters feel more like statues than living beings—but I do wish they thought the poly options through more carefully (trying to make poly people comfortable while leaving room for monogamous players to enjoy the romances too).
The only feasible fix the developers could make at this point to avoid all the issues mentioned is keeping Halsin poly but removing his connections to other Origin romances (or at least Karlach and Astarion). At this point, that’s the only thing that could realistically be done. I also wish they made characters break up with you if you cheat on them in the brothel, since that’s what many people including myself would do.
Again, these opinions are my own (and those that aren’t come from a variety of comments across Youtube, Reddit, and Larian’s forums). I enjoyed getting to see so many different viewpoints and appreciated how civil (most of) the people on both sides were. It’s an interesting topic and here’s hoping game studios handle it better in the future.
If anyone reads this far and wants links to the threads, forums, and youtube comment sections, let me know.

I've read the rules of this sub and think this question fits.
Tldr: do non-white non-high control communities laugh loudly together? Alone? Not just, a polite laugh. A spirited, "raucous" laugh. Bothering people, crying yourself laughing. I wasn't allowed that growing up.
I've noticed especially watching comedians particularly famous in black communities, (background I was raised Mormon and white. I have educated myself but you're always ignorant.) such as Gary Owen, Katt williams that I've been exposed to recently, the laughter is lively. Spirited. I've also noticed while watching Maya Angelou read Still I Rise that laughter is very important to the reading of the poem, both as the reader and an audience participant. Even in a reading by Nikki Minaj at an A&E event that seems quite rich and California, she and the audience knew to laugh at the right time, though a completely different level of spiritedness.
My family is pretty stringent on laughter. My father has a booming laugh but my mother and sister are always shushing him and complaining about the volume. Meanwhile, they have all inherited my grandfather's sneeze, which involves near screaming when you let the sneeze out. I don't see why throwing my back out sneezing is any worse than laughing loudly.
Angelou - https://youtu.be/qviM_GnJbOM Minaj - https://youtu.be/WDfuJIBpXPM
Why do you laugh the way you do? (Regardless of background) Is there cultural context to laughter? Was there a significant impact by Angelou's poem on black communities? I found the concept of laughter and joy as resistance to be very powerful, and I wonder if it was employed or passed down.
White people feel like, polite at shows sometimes? I personally have difficulty regulating my volume and yeah I'd appreciate it if someone lmk I was talking WAY too loud but my girlfriend and family shushes me like. All the time, just for laughing. I see this less among some of the younger audiences I watch, Stavros Halkias and Nate Jackson's crowd work, people seem to let loose a little more. Did I just grow up in a cult so I'm weird lol?

It was my Covert Narcissistic mother’s birthday. So I sent her a quick email, “Happy Birthday, Mom! 😁🎉🎂” So she wouldn’t came after me about missing her birthday. She replied right away with this poem??, that she wrote me. Here it is….
Do you ne'r tire of the drama
Of the in-ness and the out-ness
the on and the off?
Does your soul not be weary
Your spirit sad
Your hope shatter
Your joy become ever elusive?
When comes the time
To stop
To forget
To live the joy of now
Is there possibility
Or
Is there only pain?

I (f, 22) just wanted to vent somewhere people will actually understand. I’ve been dealing with GP for about 4 years now and finally got diagnosed last year, i had the botox injection in september and was in hospital for around a month, didn’t have to go back to a&e at all until the end of march where it all started happening again. for the first time in years i actually felt free and i was able to live as close to a normal life as i could, obviously being careful in what i ate and portion size but pretty much had freedom to eat what i wanted when i wanted and it just made me feel somewhat like a normal person.
since the end of march i’ve been in and out of hospital, i had another round of botox early april but that didn’t seem to help and the doctors couldn’t explain why, they said maybe it wasn’t injected in the right place or they didn’t use enough, they honestly were nearly as clueless as i was. in the end they decided to repeat the botox, that was just over a week ago. i was sent home the same day, had to go back to a&e later that evening, was sent home 2 days later and again was back in a&e that same evening. i’ve now been kept as an inpatient for a week and i’m still finding it hard to eat/drink without being sick and feeling really intense stomach pain, it gets to the point where i’m rolling around, crying and screaming in pain. doctors don’t seem to do much at all other than keep me on regular IV cyclizine and metoclopramide for sickness, subcutaneous morphine injections for the pain and a sliding scale to manage my T1DM.
when i was healthy for that october-march period i’d managed to gain some weight and was around 50kg, a week ago i was back to the godforsaken 46kg i seemed to always be stuck at before, and now i’ve gone down to 43kg which has been really disheartening and has taken a toll on my mental health. i felt i was doing so well, not only had i gained weight but also muscle, i was exercising more than i ever could have before and even walking 10-12km a day, now i can barely walk down the hall without feeling drained. i managed to get a job which i was doing quite well at and it was my first job, at 22, because i could never get hired before due to being so unreliable with my condition, luckily they understand what i have to deal with as it is my boyfriend’s family business.
i don’t know, everything is just making me feel really down and depressed and all i want is to be able to go home and go back to my life. staff at hospital also don’t help, the majority are nice but i still get comments from certain nurses who accuse me of faking to get medication or who complain when i’m crying as i’m “disturbing others” when there’s nothing i can do. i hate the way my body looks again, i hate the gap between my thighs and how i can see my ribs and bony shoulders. i hate my arms even more, all the bruises and needle marks from blood tests and IV drips, it makes me look like a junkie and i find myself crying because of it a lot.
i’ve been referred to another hospital for a consultation regarding a G-POEM but still haven’t heard from them yet. it’s just getting to the point where i’m feeling so hopeless and helpless. i’ve also been put back on anti depressants and taking diazepam regularly to help with the anxiety and distress it all causes.
at home i smoke weed, a decent amount, which helps with my appetite and also helps with my mental health struggles but obviously being in hospital i haven’t been able to smoke which makes everything so much worse as i don’t have anything to distract myself from what’s happening. some days smoking is the only thing that will get me to eat and keep me from having anxiety toward food.
my boyfriend (m, 29) and his family have been really supportive and they’re pretty much the only reason i haven’t spiraled into a full on mental health crisis, he visits nearly everyday and so does his mother who has been such a huge support for me as my own family aren’t there for me. i actually asked my mother if she would come visit me, i knew she wouldn’t, but i did it anyway, she came up with a bullshit excuse as to why she couldn’t and that nearly broke me because i was already feeling so low and on top of that i then felt rejected by my own mother, i should’ve known better but at that moment i just needed my mom. the one who came through for me that day was my boyfriend’s mom who came to see me as soon as she found out how upset i was, she held me, she let me cry and hugged me so tightly and reassured me i was loved and cared for. she’s truly been the mother i needed through this.
i know that i can be somewhat healthy and live almost normally, but right now things are just so bleak and i’m struggling to see a way out, all i want is to just be normal, it’s all i’ve wanted my entire life and it’s like no matter what i will never get that. i’ve had T1DM since i was 9 with 2 diabetes related comas under my belt by age 10, PTSD, depression, and anxiety since 12, and the GP since i was 18, it’s like i can’t catch a break. no one understands what it’s like but i keep getting told “i get it” or “i relate to that” and i know people are trying to make me feel better but to me it just comes across as diminishing what i’m going through and have been going through for so long. I was also recently told just how bad my GP is and i just couldn’t stop crying for hours, i was always told it was ‘severe’ but now i know that i have 96% retention after 4 hours and all it did was make me feel even more hopeless.
sorry for the long post, i just really don’t know where else to go where people might ACTUALLY understand what i’m going through

[All are welcome, provided you dress accordingly, lest you disappoint the count. It’s a Masquerade ball at a faux medieval castle.]
Sazabem Castle on Lake Kardos looked ancient but appearances are deceiving, it was only a few years old, renovated specifically for a fairy tale atmosphere by its latest owner, the illustrious Count Fazekas Bertalan. He was known as an outgoing romantic poet and such a residence fit the bill for the grand parties he threw, where guests would step back in time, to a more elegant age. It was at once such party that allegedly he proposed to the silver screen actress Luca Boros and was turned down. It was the final saga of a whirlwind romance that brought him to the attention of the nation. It is likely a number of his poems were written about her, but she wasn’t the first, he had a bit of a reputation as a playboy. His own ancestral estate in Lower Astana was never in his mind up to par and as a result, he paid little attention to it. Sazabem was his crown jewel where he did all his entertaining.
For his latest party, Fazekas planned an elaborate masquerade ball, where he would invite the most interesting people in the nation, not just aristocrats but politicians and celebrities. He longed for engaging discussion. While not overly political, Fazekas has lent his name to certain liberal causes, such as women’s suffrage and has expressed support for some Liberal party figures, along with some in the PLP. Even then he did not discriminate in his invitations on that basis.
His main goal however was not just conversation, but a more profound connection. He found himself lonely and wished to meet someone that would make him soon forget about Luca. One such lady he hoped to meet was Princess Fruzsina. Perhaps they could strike up a relationship, but that remained to be seen, he would not make that assumption. Still when she confirmed she would be attending, he was quite excited.
The evening of the party, any guests had to cross a bridge to the castle, the gates were ‘guarded’ by his staff in costume. With the exception of the upstairs, guests were free to explore the grounds. The ballroom, one of the private dining rooms and the gardens. Many rooms and spots had great views of Lake Kardos.
Count Bertalan went from room to room, talking to his guests, and making sure the food was good and the beverages were flowing, partaking himself somewhat. Only the finest would do. He himself was dressed up as an 18th century gentleman, in a blue jacket with gold trim. His mask was also gold with a similar pattern. He also wore a carnation.

When I found this forum about a month ago I was reading the back posts and weeping the whole time.
Background:
I have processed this in therapy, made my peace, and have empathy for the situations that made her who she is.
I don't want to cause her harm, and fortunately I am really bad at relationships, and do not have children. Because it would be very painful if she had grandchildren that she has no access to. My sister and BIL can't have kids. (Details omitted for TW)
I work in the MH field, I'm an Nurse Practitioner. I worked as part of a DBT team. I am not DBT trained or certified but I got really good at boundaries, and sensing manipulation, without having an emotional response.
Before I went NC I would directly and clearly set limits. I stopped her when she would try to split my Sister and I, or gossip about her. There were several times every visit where I would stop her, and explain how I would not engage, did not want to hear, or set a reasonable expectation. Her reply a few times was "Don't analyze me."
Which is amusing because after the last estrangement, I asked her to go to therapy.... never happened.
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Current Situation:
My Mother visited my Uncle who is dying of cancer and has by his estimation about 2 months to live.
My Mother sent me a text that I should visit him that she was down there and he does not have much time to live. I forgot I hadn't blocked her number on the new phone.
I have been NC for 9 years other then sending her a 9th Step (AA) letter. I intend to be NC for the rest of her life or mine whichever ends first.
I asked if she was present in the room. She left the morning of him calling me. I said I appreciated him not doing "One of those Ophra type interventions" as it's usually destructive.
I asked about visiting. Everyone has been invited down but me. He says he would like a visit.
He wants me "As a personal favor" to reconcile with her. I should mention he's a retired corporate attorney. Yes it's not amateur hour on either side of the phone. He said she was "Distraught that I would not talk with her."
I said let's address the second item, as you may not want me to visit depending on how I answer.
I would prefer having this conversation in person and to not have this conversation on a 2 sided Cell phone call either.
I said "no."
He pushed back and said this was not normal. I explained how it's more common then you would think both from people I know and also from being in clinical practice for almost 20 years.
He said "I can hear it in your voice that you want to reconcile." (Defining my feelings) I said I am speaking to you in the same tone I use with my patients.
I said that I will not be interacting with her for the rest of our lives. That this was a carefully made and considered decision.
I said we can discuss my reasons if you would like.
He said that was not his concern that it was between my Mother and I.
My mind formulates, "So no matter what happened, there is no reason that would cause you to find estrangement acceptable." Secondly you are implicating that I am being unreasonable, or worse yet cruel.
This goes in circles.
He bounces off a few boundaries, answer stays the same.
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I figure I am going to let him know some of the situation. Because he's dying and I don't want him to think I am just being unreasonable and stubborn.
I then explain a little of how our childhood was. The abuse that my mother and I got. I also said I suspect my sister getting other abuse. Left that one hanging out there... Remember this is what I do for a living so that should have significant weight.
The things I did that I regret, and have made amends, as well as going to therapy, stopped drinking, worked the steps, and so forth.
I mentioned my sister goes to Trauma therapy, partially because of me.
Which also puts out there "Has your Sister ever had any therapy for all the stuff she has been through?"
​
He says "I can hear you are angry at your mother.." (defining feelings again) "
"Help me understand why do you feel that way."
"Based on what you said (above)" I said back, I am not angry at her. I have accepted and made my peace with this situation. I only listed my part in it, and what I have done to become a better person."
Which floats the unsaid question "What is her part in this?"
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I said the offer is on the table to talk about this, or not talk about it. That is up to him. If you do want to have this conversation then it needs to be scheduled so I can have my notes.
The offer of a visit is "We shall see, and depends on how I am doing, check back in a week." I know the answer already. I also explained if I visit I will be getting a hotel room and a rental car, and that it's probably better if we do 2-3 hour visits so I don't tire him out.
The unsaid part is I want to be able to leave if I need to immediately, I want to be able to go to daily AA meetings, I want my own space process this coming loss. I
wrote a poem about this situation and read it in at my AA homegroup (The meeting you go to most and help keep it going.) I haven't written a poem since HS writing class. I've been weepy about the whole situation on and off.
​
I have a letter penned to my cousins, who I am in contact with explaining that he is a father figure in my life, that this is a very painful situation for me anticipating his passing, and that I apologize for not attending major life events in their lives and their children's lives because of this estrangement. That I won't be attending his service because it's the place for my Mother to mourn her last living sibling.
​
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Conclusion:

1. That firstly he feels that there is nothing that would justify estrangement.
2. That my Mother probably said she has no insight into why I estranged her.
3. Based on #2 I am guessing that she has had no therapy. A good therapist would turn that around and use certain questions to help her develop insight.
4. That he feels I am angry and I want to reconcile.
5. Defining my feelings is a huge red flag for me.
6. I bet he didn't expect me to be calm, collected and give a rational and consistent dialogue.
7. Having to hear about his Sister's home life probably hurts. The fact that he probably had no clue until my father passed, he has a lot of guilt.
8. He's formally trained and skilled in negotiation tactics.
9. He's dying so he has a huge ability to guilt me.
10. I gave him the option to understand, that I would visit if asked, that I would limit exposure, and that we did not have to address this, or we can look at photos and tell stories, etc. What is not on the table is reconciliation with my Mother.

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I’ve been self reflecting and the primary reason I drink is because I think too much and I want to “turn my brain off” and operate on impulses alone.
I want to enjoy life! Life itself is very traumatic and alcohol allows me to escape and only care about the here and the now.
I used to smoke weed heavily but stopped due to a legal reason(some of us know what I’m referring to).
I enjoy not smoking because I WAS lazy with weed. Now I have energy to be “extroverted” versus an “introvert”.
However I still catch myself taking shots in the morning just to make my day fun. I know it’s not right. But sober me is boring. Weed allowed to ignore all of that and enjoy the high. But I want to nurture and protect sober me.
I work my 9-5, I make enough money to support myself. But I want to live!!! I want to enjoy life.
Meditation is ehhh,,, mumbo jumbo in a sense. I’m not trying to calm my anxiety. I want to live!!! I want to be happy with my current circumstances and power through the negativity.
My empathy tells me I’m blessed. I have enough money to take care of myself. I have friends and loved ones. I’m having fun with people. I am NOT down and out. However alcohol enables me to let go and enjoy the “carefree restlessness” of just living.
I’m starting to think that alcohol is necessary and I just need to find a balance. But that’s not healthy for my body. I’m a 6 foot 3 inch plus man and big and muscular. I can handle a lot of liquor but that is surely damaging my kidneys.
Please give me advice. I will delete soon because this is embarrassing.

In this each alien would have a unique personality to make them more interesting than just being Ben
Personalities:
Heatblast Personality: Hot-headed and impulsive, Heatblast is a natural leader with a burning passion for adventure. He’s quick to jump into action and often uses his fiery temper to intimidate enemies.
Diamondhead Personality: Cool, collected, and as tough as the crystals he’s made of, Diamondhead is a strategic thinker. He’s reliable and often the voice of reason when things get heated.
XLR8 Personality: Energetic and playful, XLR8 has a need for speed. He’s always quick with a joke, but his impatience can sometimes get the better of him.
Fourarms Personality: Strong and courageous, Fourarms is the muscle of the group. He’s straightforward, enjoys physical challenges, and is always ready to throw down with the bad guys.
Stinkfly Personality: Stinkfly is the quirky and inventive one. He has a slightly mischievous side and enjoys using his unique abilities in creative ways to solve problems.
Upgrade Personality: Intelligent and tech-savvy, Upgrade is all about progress and efficiency. He’s a problem-solver who loves to find high-tech solutions to low-tech problems.
Ghostfreak Personality: Mysterious and eerie, Ghostfreak is the alien that gives everyone the creeps. He’s quiet and prefers to work alone, using his spooky abilities to his advantage.
Snare-oh Personality: Snare-oh has an ancient wisdom about him, often speaking in riddles. He’s enigmatic and has a commanding presence that demands respect.
Frankenstrike Personality: Frankenstrike is a bit of a mad scientist. He’s curious and experimental, often getting carried away with his own inventions and ideas.
Eye Guy Personality: Observant and perceptive, Eye Guy sees everything. He’s analytical and often acts as the lookout, using his wide range of vision to spot danger from afar.
Swampfire Personality: Swampfire has a fiery and assertive personality. He’s a natural leader who’s not afraid to take charge and can be quite persuasive.
Echo-Echo Personality: Echo-Echo is all about harmony but can be a bit repetitive. He’s a team player and always looks to multiply his efforts for greater impact.
Humongosaur Personality: Humongosaur is as big-hearted as he is large. He’s protective and gentle with friends but can be a real beast when it comes to enemies.
Jetray Personality: Jetray is adventurous and loves freedom. He’s always looking to soar to new heights and explore the unknown.
Big Chill Personality: Big Chill is cool and aloof. He’s a bit of a loner and prefers to keep his cool in heated situations.
Brainstorm Personality: Brainstorm is the intellectual of the group. He’s highly intelligent, often speaking in technical terms, and loves to show off his brain power.
Goop Personality: Goop is the fun-loving, shape-shifting joker who enjoys a good laugh and can slip out of any sticky situation.
Spidermonkey Personality: Spidermonkey is quick-witted and agile. He’s playful and often uses his acrobatic skills to outmaneuver opponents.
Loadstar Personality: Loadstar has a magnetic personality. He’s strong-willed, a bit rigid, and always pulls his weight in a fight.
Rath Personality: Rath is aggressive and headstrong. He’s quick to anger, often leaping before he looks, and loves a good brawl.
Water Hazard Personality: Water Hazard is calm and fluid in his approach. He’s adaptable and can keep his cool under pressure, often using his wit to navigate tricky situations.
Ampfibian Personality: Ampfibian is electrifying and energetic. He’s quick-thinking and always charged up for action, often shocking others with his lively antics.
Armodrillo Personality: Armodrillo is down-to-earth and straightforward. He’s dependable and strong, with a no-nonsense attitude that makes him a rock-solid ally.
NRG Personality: NRG is intense and radiates confidence. He’s always at the center of the action, glowing with a powerful presence that can’t be ignored.
Terraspin Personality: Terraspin is gentle and breezy. He’s a pacifist at heart and prefers to use his abilities to protect others rather than for aggression.
Clockwork Personality: Clockwork is methodical and timeless. He’s wise beyond his years and often speaks in a manner that reflects his ancient wisdom.
Jury Rigg Personality: Jury Rigg is mischievous and inventive. He loves to tinker and fix things, although sometimes he causes more chaos in the process.
Chamalien Personality: Chamalien is stealthy and elusive. He’s a master of disguise who values his privacy and often keeps to himself, revealing his true colors only when necessary.
Feedback Personality: Feedback is energetic and always buzzing with excitement. He’s quick to react and loves to absorb new experiences, often acting as the group’s live wire.
Bloxx Personality: Bloxx is playful and creative, always thinking outside the box. He’s a problem-solver who enjoys building solutions as much as he loves dismantling obstacles.
Ball Weevil Personality: Ball Weevil is fun-loving and carefree. He’s the type who rolls with the punches and bounces back from any situation with a smile.
Pesky Dust Personality: Pesky Dust is whimsical and a bit of a trickster. He enjoys lulling enemies into a false sense of security before springing his traps.
Atomix Personality: Atomix is powerful and has a commanding presence. He’s a bit of a show-off and enjoys demonstrating his immense power, often with dramatic flair.
Gutrot Personality: Gutrot is a bit of a mad chemist, always mixing up new concoctions. He’s clever and resourceful, with a dry sense of humor that can leave others gasping.
Whampire Personality: Whampire is mysterious and charismatic. He’s a smooth talker with a magnetic charm that can be both alluring and intimidating.
Shocksquash Personality: Shocksquash is electrifying and a bit unpredictable. He’s full of energy and always ready to jump into action, often shocking his teammates with his spontaneity.
Wildmutt Personality: Wildmutt is primal and instinct-driven, often acting on intuition rather than thought. He’s fiercely loyal to his allies and can be quite playful when not in battle.
Grey Matter Personality: Grey Matter is the intellectual powerhouse, always thinking several steps ahead. He’s analytical, a bit of a know-it-all, and enjoys solving complex problems.
Ripjaws Personality: Ripjaws has a dual nature, being both fierce and adaptable. He’s at home in the water but can be a bit out of his element on land, showing a more vulnerable side.
Cannonbolt Personality: Cannonbolt is straightforward and a bit of a rolling stone. He’s got a strong sense of humor and loves to barrel into action without hesitation.
Wildvine Personality: Wildvine is a nature-loving, free spirit. He’s resourceful and has a growth mindset, always looking to branch out and try new things.
Spitter Personality: Spitter is a bit of a jokester, often using his unique abilities to play pranks. He’s good-natured and doesn’t take life too seriously.
Buzzshock Personality: Buzzshock is energetic and always buzzing around. He’s got an electric personality and can be a bit shocking with his puns.
Blitzwolfer Personality: Blitzwolfer is the lone wolf with a haunting presence. He’s fiercely independent but has a howling sense of loyalty to his pack.
Upchuck Personality: Upchuck is insatiably curious and a bit of a glutton. He’s always eager to bite off more than he can chew, both literally and figuratively.
Ditto Personality: Ditto is all about togetherness and teamwork. He’s sociable, often talking to himself (or his clones), and enjoys being part of a group.
Waybig Personality: Waybig is gentle and kind-hearted, despite his enormous size. He’s aware of his strength and strives to use it responsibly.
Arctiguana Personality: Arctiguana is cool under pressure and has a frosty demeanor. He’s slow to warm up to others but is incredibly reliable once he does.
Chromastone Personality: Chromastone is calm and collected, often acting as a mediator. He’s resilient and shines brightest when protecting his allies.
Alien X Personality: Alien X is enigmatic and omnipotent, often seeming distant due to his immense power. He’s deliberate in his actions, which can be both a blessing and a burden to his team.
Nanomech Personality: Nanomech is inquisitive and resourceful, always looking to explore and adapt. He’s a bit of an underdog but uses his size to his advantage.
Fasttrack Personality: Fasttrack is competitive and loves a good challenge. He’s always on the move and has a playful rivalry with other speedsters.
Eatle Personality: Eatle has an insatiable appetite for both food and adventure. He’s robust and reliable, often the cornerstone of his team.
Gravattack Personality: Gravattack is grounded and possesses a strong sense of duty. He’s a force to be reckoned with and takes his role as a protector seriously.
Crashhopper Personality: Crashhopper is energetic and bouncy, with a spring in his step. He’s always ready to leap into action and enjoys making an entrance.
Walkatrout Personality: Walkatrout is the underdog with a can-do attitude. He’s often underestimated, which he uses to his advantage.
Molestache Personality: Molestache is dapper and a bit of a gentleman. He’s quirky and uses his unique style to stand out from the crowd.
The Worst Personality: The Worst is self-deprecating but surprisingly resilient. He’s the alien everyone counts out, only to be surprised by his tenacity.
Kickin Hawk Personality: Kickin Hawk is fierce and martial-minded. He’s all about honor and discipline, with a side of fiery combat spirit.
Toepick Personality: Toepick is creepy and enjoys the fear he instills in others. Despite his unsettling demeanor, he’s an invaluable asset in psychological warfare.
Astrodactyl Personality: Astrodactyl is adventurous and loves the thrill of flight. He’s a bit of a show-off and enjoys swooping in to save the day.
Bullfrag Personality: Bullfrag is confident and a bit of a smooth talker. He’s strong and tough but has a softer side that he shows to his allies.

PART 1 :
https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/1c1fu8d/i_filmed_something_that_i_cant_explain/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
PART 2 :
https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/1c2yziu/i_filmed_something_that_i_cant_explain_part_2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
PART 3 :
https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/1cnwpo2/i_filmed_something_that_i_cant_explain_part_3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
PART 4 :
https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/1copwms/i_filmed_something_that_i_cant_explain_part_4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Last night, after posting the last update, I couldn’t find any sleep. Not only because that back seat was probably the less comfortable one on the car market, nor because Mark and Claire were talking loudly outside, or not even because, as heartwarming and comforting as Lucy’s presence besides me was, I hadn’t slept so close to someone in forever. No, I could have gotten over all this easily. But one thing was keeping me awake, running through my head endlessly. When Claire took me to the Doors Realm (that’s its name now), and that we encountered what was, just a few hours before, still an unknown man that helped me to get so far, I learned so many things.

At first, Claire recognized him as the man that captured Mark’s childhood classmate, Martin, 11 years ago, and that had locked him in his house for all this time, until a few days ago, Mark and she saved him. That man then explained to her that, since their last encounter, he had been stuck in this place and couldn’t find his door anymore. Upon further talking, they came to the conclusion that the beast that was hunting me in the Doors Realm was what was left of the entity that they thought they had destroyed: Vessel. But that he had got rid of his “human” part that was nowhere to be seen there, and without it, he was less smart, but he was also free of what allowed them to hurt him the first time. We then stumbled upon a door that had been forced and was slightly open. Claire succeeded to take a shot of the inside of the door thanks to my camera, that later revealed a young boy who Lucy recognized when she saw it as a patient in a youth psychiatric center in which she lately had an internship for her studies: Nicolas. Claire and Mark thought strongly that Vessel’s human part had took refuge in that boy. Our plan was now the following: Lucy and I would get in the center to talk to Nicolas, since she was authorized to enter it for school purposes, and try to figure things out.

But the thing that was really keeping me awake and thinking was this: while on the Doors Realm, the man had revealed to me that he was my biological father, and that it was the reason I was connected to that place as much: I was half like him. I couldn’t ask him more as we had to move fast. We didn’t mention that to Mark and Lucy when we got back, Claire understood that I probably didn’t want to say that right after learning about it.

That revelation had me wondering so many things. I never knew anything about my biological parents, I was left at the door of the orphanage where I spent most of my life when I was 1 year old. So many questions were popping in my head each seconds: who was my mom, where was she, why did they abandon me, what were the consequences of me being half like them… I didn’t even know where to begin… and this also meant that my real father had kidnapped a 9-year-old and kept him alive as his blood stock for years, and that was absolutely chilling to consider, and at the same time, I couldn’t get all the things he did to help me so far out of my head. All of it was so confusing.

“So, do you want to talk about it?”

I was brought out of my agitated mind by Lucy’s tired voice. She was lying behind me, and I turned to face her. I didn’t think our faces would be that close, our lips were probably 4/5 centimeters away from each other. I immediately told my mind to shut up and stop thinking about that.
Our eyes locked, I never noticed how deep the iris of her eyes were.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” I asked her.

“No, I just can’t sleep.” She answered.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I returned her question.

She sighed.

“I hate it, but I gotta admit, this is a pretty creepy situation to be thrown in out of nowhere.”

“I’m so sorry I dragged you into this Lucy…” I felt bad.

“Don’t be, I kinda asked for it, I don’t regret it.”

“He’s my father.” I felt a sudden need to tell her about it. “At least that’s what he said, the man in the Doors Realm, Martin’s captor.”

She looked confused. I elaborated, making sure that she had the full picture. At the end, she stayed silent.

“What do you think about it?” I asked.

“That it’s just getting creepier.” She said.

That wasn’t a crazy answer, but surely not what I expected.

“How so?” I asked.

“Isn’t something really starts to bug you in all this?” She answered.

“I mean, yes, thousands, but…” I said, ironically.

“Yes of course, but, I mean, don’t you think everything is a bit too tied together? I mean, really, look at it: Mark ends up babysitting Claire, who’s affected by some vampire-curse, and haunted by an entity that seems at the center of the whole thing. She gives him the curse. They leave together to investigate about Mark’s dark secret and ends up saving his old classmate from a man that has the same condition as them and used him for years. They then fight the entity and hurt it so bad that it breaks itself apart from its human part, which somehow finds shelter in a boy that I, the neighbor of Mark’s “sexfriend”, already knew. And now, the man that held Martin captive happens to be the biological father of the hook-up of the ancient classmate of that same Martin he kidnapped. That classmate comes back to save him, and they end up locking the man in the Doors Realm, which will eventually lead him to encounter his daughter, you... I mean, the way all of us seem to be linked together, it rubs me the wrong way.”

I never thought of it until now. She was right, those constant connections tying everything together, it was creepy.

“I’m sorry you have to be involved, really.” I knew I was repeating myself, but I really felt guilty.

“Hey, I already told you it was okay, I chose this, you’re not responsible of my actions Sarah.” I felt her hand slowly touching mine under the thin plaid we shared. “Plus, it’s not all bad…”

“You can leave anytime you want Lucy. I won’t be mad you know…” I said.

“No, even with all that, I don’t want to, because, … God, that’s so hard to explain with words.”

I smiled. Despite all the confidence she had shown in the little thing that was slowly blooming between the two of us, she still had some difficulties at times, and I thought that was cute.

“It’s okay, I’m good at interpretation…” I said, encouraging her to share what she was feeling.

“The point is that I see it’s not just me. I feel your company, and I can’t fail to believe it’s not just me. I know you’re feeling the same way…” She whispered.

I had a little laugh.

“Are these song lyrics? Because it sounded like it.” I asked with a smile.

She had a embarrassed expression.

“I arranged them a little bit…” She said.

“And what song was it?”

“Ho I’ll never tell you!” She said laughing quietly.

I grabbed her hand, and she placed her other one on my cheek. It was soft. My eyes looked instinctively to the window. I saw Claire watching me with a small smile. Mark was still speaking, and she articulated silently a phrase that I could read on her lips: “We’re going to take a walk.” On that, she took Mark away from the car, and their voices faded away. I looked back to Lucy and our faces were now even closer than before. I won’t elaborate here, that’s not the place, I’ll just say that her lips and all of her skin were soft and that, with all my experiences so far, I still never felt that way before with anyone.

I finally found some sleep.

We both woke up today to the voices of Mark and Claire. They were ready to go and, after reviewing one last time the plan together, we started driving. Approximately an hour later, we arrived at the center. Lucy and I got out of the car, Mark and Claire would be waiting for us on the parking lot.

Lucy took the lead, and we passed each door without problem. Arrived at the main room, we didn’t had to look for Nicolas for long. He was sitting alone at a table, drawing. We approached him and sat on each side. Lucy made me a sign to tell me that she should probably speak first for now. She took a soft and calm voice.

“Hello Nicolas.” She said.

“Hi! Who are you?” He immediately said, staring at us.

“We are here to talk to you, we just want to chat a little bit, if that’s okay.” Lucy continued calmly.

“Sure, that’s cool. What you wanna talk about?” He was speaking carefree.

“Well, first, do you think you could tell me about why you’re here?” She asked.

Nicolas leaned towards us and whispered.

“I have a special friend.” He said, with a little proud smile. He then changed to an annoyed face. “My parents, the doctors, they don’t like him…”

“Do you know who he is?” Lucy whispered back, mimicking his behavior. I was a bit impressed by how good and effective she was at talking with him.

“Not really, he never tells me his name. But he’s so funny!”. He said happily.

“And how do you talk with him?”

He pointed his head and winked to us.

“Right there, he’s here! He says he can’t find his door, I don’t really understand that, so, sometimes, I allow him to use mine, just a bit, because, when we’re doing that, I’m in a dark place, and sometimes I hear scary noise, so he never do it long…”

“You know, I think we already know your friend… His name is Vessel. I don’t know how it works between you two, but he needs to know that he’s not safe. And, if we could talk to him for just a little time, we could help him… do you think you could do that?”

He had a scared look.

“I can feel he wants to come right now, he wants to talk to you too.” He stayed silent for a moment. “Not too long, okay?”

Suddenly, his expression changed. He looked terrified. He stared at us.

“Hello misses. I don’t understand, why do you say I’m in danger?” His voice was shaking, but also very formal.

Lucy looked at me a bit lost, clearly expressing that it was now my turn.

“Hello Vessel. Well, you can’t stay in Nicolas, it’s not safe, you should…” I stopped when I saw that Lucy was looking me dead in the eye with that exact expression: (=_=). I understood that I probably wasn’t very smart in my approach. She took the lead again, which I thought was probably a better choice anyway.

“Listen Vessel, we’re here to help you. What we said is true, you’re not completely safe in there. I know you feel better, but, it’s not safe, Nicolas’s door didn’t close, and don’t you think it’s a bit unfair for Nicolas?”

“You’re probably correct…” said Vessel.

“But listen, we’re not going to ask you to just leave, no, we’ll find a solution together, okay? But for that, we’ll need you to join us.” Lucy said.

“How can I do that? I don’t want to go back to the dark place, there’s the beast, and, if she gets back, I’ll be mean and alone again…”

Lucy thought for a moment.

“Well, you’re gonna wait at the door, and when you’ll hear 3 knocks on the other side, you’ll go out, it will be us, so you won’t be alone, and we’ll find a solution, okay?” She asked.

“You will be here?” He asked, pointing his finger to Lucy.

“Well, Sarah here, and another friend will.” She said.

Vessel looked worried, but he accepted. We then instructed him to let Nicolas back in. Lucy explained to Nicolas that he was going to lose his friend, but that everything will be better and that he’ll be safer.

We left the center after that. We got back to the car and explained what happened to Mark and Claire. Claire agreed to take us back to the Doors Realm, as we were convinced that the key to solve all this was there, and that now that we had access to that new part of Vessel, this could be the moment to fix everything. We drove to an isolated place on the side of a lonely road.

Claire and I were getting ready to enter the Doors Realm when Lucy made a request.

“I want to come with you… I have to!” She was a bit hesitating but decided.

“Why is that?” Asked Claire.

“Vessel, or, we could call him young Vessel, well, he’s scared, terrified even. You two, I don’t think you’ll be great at dealing with him, but I think I can help. If I’m there, he’ll be way more trusting I think.” She was speaking with confidence. From what I saw at the center earlier, she had a point.

“Do you think you can make it?” Mark asked Claire.

“I should be able to, I’m more worried about her… Lucy, I can take you there, but you’ll be in more danger than us. You’re entirely human, you’re not supposed to go there in the first place, so I think that you’ll be way more affected if something gets to you in any way.” Claire said.

“It’s okay, just, send me back here if there’s any risk of me getting hurt.”

“Fine, so, are you two readies then?”

Lucy and I nodded yes. Claire gave a look to Mark, and he nodded too. The three of us held hands and closed our eyes.

A few seconds later, we were back in the hallway of my foster home, like each time before. I knew I was going to hear it at any moment, my foster dad calling me downstairs. Claire and Lucy both already saw that memory play out in some way. Lucy immediately held my hand.

“Sarah, …” Claire didn’t know what to say.

We heard it. “Sarah, daddy needs your help, come down here.” It sent chills down my spine.

“Sarah, we can just leave, okay?” Said Claire.

But when she tried to open the front door, it was unmovable. I knew what it was.

“Claire, I think we can’t leave the house until the memory plays out.” I said.

“Well, then, we can just wait here, can’t we? You don’t have to face it.” Said Lucy.

“Stay there, you two, I’m going to fix this.” I said. I felt confident, more than ever before.

“But Sarah…” Claire started.

“Only come if I ask you to, in case something wrong happens.”

With that, I headed towards the stairs to the basement. His voice kept calling me: “ Come on, faster, Daddy needs you.” I slowly walked down the stairs, each steps getting me closer to the moment that followed me for years. I finally walked down the last step. He was standing there, with his awful smile, just like that day.

“Come closer, I have to show you something.” He said.

I looked at him. Now, in front of him, I wasn’t scared anymore, all I felt was sadness, pride and pity. Pity of seeing this fucked up man that had hurt so many children, and that was probably still living with the guilt and the loneliness that came with it, sadness of having been one of the children that he hurt so deeply, but pride of also having been the one to expose him, preventing so many other children that could have followed me.

“No.” I said.

His expression became annoyed.

“Is that what you said to Lucy?” He said.

I closed my eyes, and images of last night flashed in my head. I knew he just gave me the strength to beat him. I opened them and slowly walked towards him. He smiled and opened his arms. I put my hands on his chest and he looked surprised. I looked him in the eyes.

“I’m sorry for you, but from now on, you’ll really be alone… Cause I’m not scared of you, you don’t define me.” I said calmly.

With that, he disappeared, and with him, the whole house faded. Soon we were in the dark space. Lucy and Claire looked at me, concerned.

“I’m good.” I said. I turned my head to Lucy. “I promise.”

We walked around for a few minutes, looking for Nicola’s broken door. We knew it wasn’t appearing as easily as the other ones. Eventually, we encountered the man that captured the Martin, the one who told me he was my biological father. He looked at us.

“You’re there! Did you find a plan?” He asked, out of breath.

“The beginning of one…” Said Claire.

“How much time will it take you?”

“Why?” Asked Claire.

“He’s really not far, I’ve been running away from him, you can’t take too much time or…”

He was cut off by a loud scream. The beast, Vessel’s violent and cruel part, was already close. Immediately, we could see it running towards us. If we didn’t move fast, he’ll get us, but we had to find Nicola’s door. The man looked at us with a panicked face, which slowly morphed into a desperate one. He looked down and whispered a few words to himself. He lifted his head and looked right at me.

“Your mom’s name is Debby, and she’s the sweetest person I ever knew.” He said. He then turned his head to Claire. “Whatever it is that you have to do, do it now.”

He turned to face the beast that was approaching, running on all fours, and started to head towards it. He soon found himself in front of it and it immediately pierced his chest with its long claws. The man screamed of pain, and shouted one last thing to us: “Come on, do your thing!” I realized I didn’t know his name.

The three of us started to run randomly, looking all around for Nicola’s door while the beast was taking care of the man. At some point, Lucy shouted.

“Is that it?”

She was pointing Nicola’s Door. Claire and I came to her. Then, Claire started to walk slowly towards the door. We knew we had to move fast, as the man will eventually stop interesting the beast, but we also knew that if we weren’t careful, the door would disappear. Claire finally reached the door and knocked 3 times. We had to wait a few seconds before the door started to open. A young boy, probably 8 years old, covered in stains, he was very dirty, and dressed with clothes that looked like they were from another time came from it. It was young Vessel. He looked terrified when he saw the beast in the distance. He then saw that Lucy was there and ran to hug her. Claire took care of closing the door behind him, that then disappeared. He was staying close from Lucy and looked at us.

“Hey, we’re going to find a solution, okay.” Said Lucy.

“Who’s the little lady?” He said, pointing to Claire.

Claire had an annoyed look.

“A friend, alright?” She said with a very dry tone.

“And what is this now?”” I asked. Some sort of old cabin made of wood had appear close from us.

All of us looked at it, trying to recognize something from any of our own memories, but it didn’t ring any bell. That’s when young Vessel had a little gasp.

“Ho, no, no no no, we shouldn’t go there.” He said. His voice was shaking as he grasped to Lucy’s leg stronger.

“Why is that? Do you know what this is?” Asked Claire, clearly not wanting to waste too much time.

Young Vessel looked at Lucy, who nodded to him. He looked at Claire again.

“It’s the old woman’s house, it’s dangerous, I don’t want to go back misses…”

Claire approached him slowly.

“What happened there, do you remember?” She asked him.

He hid a bit more behind Lucy.

“It was a long time ago, I think, I don’t remember… I know mother told me not to go in the forest alone, I shouldn’t have, I know, I’m very sorry. But I went, and then, I saw the house. I got inside, I thought it was abandoned. I touched a few things, but not too much, I swear… But the old woman, she was there, I didn’t know she was living there, but she saw me, and then she asked me if I had friends, but I didn’t so I told her I did not, and she asked me a lot of questions, and she started to say weird things. I felt weird, it hurt. And then I got here, in this scary place. I could never open my own door, and I was all alone, and it was horrible. But then, not long ago, my door finally reopened, and I saw 2 people that I didn’t recognize, but they left fast. After that, my door cracked and exploded, and the beast came out of it. It was scary, and I ran until I found Nicola’s door… So, it’s dangerous inside…”

All of us looked at each other wondering what to do. Lucy looked to him.

“Well, if it all started there, maybe we can solve everything there too, don’t you think?” She said. “And we’ll be with you, so, you won’t be alone…”

He looked a bit worried, as Claire seemed clearly eager to move. He eventually accepted and we all started to walk towards the cabin. We walked the few steps. The wood was rotten, covered in moss and lichen in places. Claire opened the door, and we got inside. It was filthy, dark, the only light coming from the dirty windows, which was weird, as it was supposed to be dark outside. Looking at it again, we could see a forest at daytime on the other side of the glass. We waited in silence for a few seconds, wondering when something will happen. It didn’t take long.

All of sudden, a closet located at the back of the room opened slowly. We could see an old hand with thin fingers and dirty nails holding it from the inside. All of us got closer to each other. A deep and heavy breath was suddenly heard coming from the inside of that closet. The door opened more, revealing an old lady. She was short, and excessively thin, it was like she only had skin covering her bones and no internal organs. Her nails were long and pointy, and she was wearing a simple, dirty robe, looked hand-made.

She had a wide smile on her face that was revealing perfectly white teeth that seemed completely out of character, looking at the rest of her body.

She walked out of the closet and stared at each of us. She was reacting to our presence, which meant that was not the memory playing out. She then noticed young Vessel hiding behind Lucy, her smile became wider, her jaw clenched more, making her face lokk way more sinister.

“There you finally are… Long have I waited…” Her voice was the one you’d expect from an old lady, but with a more twisted tone to it. “But you’re not the whole thing… Let’s get him.”

She stood straighter and all her bones made a cracking sound. She lifted an arm and her finger elongated. She shook her hand a little. Suddenly, the beast appeared in the middle of the room, and it looked terrified by the old woman. It was trying to move but was like stuck by invisible ties. The woman was looking straight at it with an even creepier smile than before.

“Now, let’s get to the good part… We’re going to get rid of this.” She made another hand move in its direction.

The beast progressively took the form of a young man, probably in his late twenties. He finally fell on the floor. He was sitting there, dark circles around his eyes, he was dressed simply but pretty elegant. He looked extremely tired, his eyes were looking at the ground. He seemed out of breath. His face had an angry but exhausted expression. We were now in the presence of the other Vessel, that had his entire rage and curse taken away from him

“You…” Claire said.

The man looked up to her and had a face of surprise.

“Claire? What are you doing here?” He asked.

They both looked surprised.

“Well!” Said the old woman. “You took your sweet time, didn’t you Vessel?”

He looked up to her with his angry expression coming back.

“You’ve done more than I could ever hope you to, even refusing to die…” She continued. She was smiling, clearly mocking him. “Now tell me, now that it’s out of you…” She leaned towards him. “… how do you feel about everything you’ve done?”

He looked so devastated. She laughed. Vessel started to look at us and noticed young Vessel standing behind Lucy. He seemed shocked to see him. He somehow found the strength to get up on his feet and slowly walked towards him. Young Vessel came out of behind Lucy a little bit. Vessel got down to his level. He had a slight smile on his face.

“God, how young was I…”

He presented his hand, and young Vessel held it.

“How could I forget you… I’m sorry little one. I think it started because I wanted to protect you… Can’t say I did a great job…”

“Come on, Vessel, you know it’s time now… I can’t wait to enjoy everything you gathered for all this time.” Said the old lady, still giggling. Her face had a creepy look to it.

Vessel looked down to his feet.

“It’s time for us to go my friend.” He said to Young Vessel.

“Are we going to die?” He asked, his eyes filling with tears.

“I think so.” Vessel answered calmly, his face showing a thousand regrets.

“But, I don’t want to die…” He said, crying.

“I know…” Vessel said.

He got up and stayed silent for a moment. He then turned his head towards Claire.

“For what it’s worth,… I’m really sorry little lady… You’re really impressive you know.” He said. He then turned towards the old woman and addressed us one last phrase.

“You can leave now, It will be okay, but be fast.”

Claire and I started to go back to the entrance door. Young Vessel was crying. Lucy looked confused. I called her, telling her to hurry. She had a panicked look. She finally leaned towards young Vessel and whispered something in his ear. She then looked at him as he stopped crying.

“You understand?” She asked him.

He nodded yes.

On this she followed us. The three of us started to run to find our doors. I asked Lucy what she said to young Vessel, but she answered that she just reassured him. Eventually, we found ourselves in front of our doors, and I had the surprise to see that the claw marks and scratches on my door had fade away. We looked at each other, Lucy looked at the cabin one last time, and we all went through our doors.

We came back to the car. Mark was out of breath. We weren’t at the spot we were before. Apparently, a severe storm had started to form around us and he had to drive us away. It suddenly stopped less than a minute before we came back and he could stop. We explained everything that had happened to us.

After talking a bit about everything, we understood that everything was now probably back to “normal”. Mark and Claire accepted to drive us back to our place, understanding that this time, we’ll probably never see each other again. Lucy and I were on the back seat and I couldn’t help but notice that she still looked a bit worried. I asked us what was wrong, but she assured me that it was fine. A few minutes passed and she still had that same anxious expression.

Eventually, she looked at the window and let out a small gasp that I was the only one to hear. I looked at her. A little smile formed on her face and quietly said: “I knew it” and winked to the window.

“Are you sure you’re fine?” I asked, pretending I hadn’t seen that.

She smiled at me, a peaceful warm and beautiful smile, and hold my hand.

“Yeah, it really is now. I’m good.” She answered.

I’m in the car as I’m posting this. I think it’ll be my last update, at least I hope so. It’s crazy how so many insane and fucked up shit I’ve been through these last few days, and yet, I’ve never felt so good. In a way, I think this is the best thing that ever happened to me, at least, when I look at the person sitting beside me, that’s how I feel. Thanks to those who followed me.

Vapor Trail is the seventh tune on the seventeenth studio album Vapor Trails (2002). How do you rank this song? The choices range from skippable (You can almost see the circuits blowing) to amazing (The treasure of a life).
Writing credits: Music: Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, Lyrics: Neil Peart
Retrospective band member quote: "Obviously, having gone through what Neil went through, and what we all went through, it was definitely going to impact where this record was going to go. To me the record is very optimistic. It's all about recovery and about hope, about a future, rebirth and moving forward. There are some dark moments, some sad moments, but generally, it's really about those things I just mentioned." -Alex in Martin Popoff's book Driven: Rush in the '90s and 'In the End' (2021)
Rush Official YouTube Channel link
This song was never performed live. Lyrics in this song and 'Ghost Rider' were partially inspired by the poem 'Funeral Blues' by W.H. Auden (1936).
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I don't see a thread about it, maybe I missed since I just recetly joined, and I need to vent, so I hope it's ok.
In the first days and weeks after the oct 7th my instagram have been blasted with religious figures and preachers trying to use the tragedy for their own sake. Just of the top of my head - people blaming the music festival goers for "dancing around a budha statue", people claiming that the shabat saved a couple of religious communities near the gaza border, people burning tank tops for being non-modest, etc. And one thing that have flooded my feed was a campaign of religous parents of a party victim calling for people to light shabat candles and keeping shabat because "that's the mitzva their daughter loved the most". Now, i don't know this partygoer, maybe she loved shabat, but it was a nature music festival in the very day of simchat torah (which happened to be shabat as well), someone who grew up religious and went there chose to distance themselves from jewish traditions, so I think it's more likely she didn't love shabat so much anymore, and that her family chose to remember her as the tzadikah she maybe was before leaving religion. And she wasn't the only one. There were many ex-jews in that festival because this kind of parties is kind of popular among ex-jews here in israel. You must've seen some of those "tehilim for iluy nishmat Moshe" or "keep shabath for Sarah" (fake names of course). I've also seen tweets of Haredi journalists about Yeshive buchers that were killed, ignoring the fact these boys left religion and suffered negligence from their families and friends. These stuff angered me to my core, in the first week I wrote some sort of a poem to post on facebook as a protest but ended up keeping it to myself, out of leftover fear in my agnostic mind that there may be a god and they may have a twisted kind of humor
But today this anger rose up again, it is memorial day in Israel so my feed is once again filled with victims faces and stories. One of the festival massacre victims was a good friend of my sister (and my whole family through that), i didn't really talked to her that much since high school, but i do know through social media and through my sister that she left religion and had an intense journey to find happiness and meaning in this world. So when I saw that the memorial projects for her had religious quotes about "god's glory across the earth" and how "god only puts you through tests you can overcome", and spreading Birkot Hashachar with her picture, all those feelings came up for an epic meltdown.
And yes, i'm obviously reflecting my fears or at least connecting to these victims through my own personal experience, I can't really assume stuff about someone I don't personally know. but Last week I found out my dad is in deep denial about me (he thinks I wouldn't eat a cheeseburger, Let alone pork), so i keep thinking, if I died in oct 7th or in any other way, would this be the way people remember me by? Prayers and psukim from tehilim and other stuff I don't believe in? Did I run away from religion and conservative values just for my realtives to erase everything i was by building a beit midrash in my name? Because I know they would. I don't have a family of my own yet and friends don't have the socially accepted justification to protest acts of religion of grieving parents.
I don't know why it bothers me so much, i'm very skeptical about an afterlife so why would I care about something that happens after i'm dead, but for some reason my living self can't stand the thought of my death being used to spread religious values. Would these ex-jew victims have felt the same if they knew? Is there even a way for me to fight for their memory as secular individuals without just inflicting my own believes and basically doing the same as the religious spreaders?
I don't realy have answers, as I said, it's a rant, I needed to share and it seems like the right place. Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes, it's the first time i wrote something this long in english.