Emotions para blackberry msn

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Hello,
Sana maunawaan ninyo ako pagkatapos nyo mabasa tong post ko. Actually parang 2nd time ko na to and di pa ako ganun ka familiar kung paano to gamitin.
6months pregnant po ako ngayon and FTM. Di ko alam kung stress lang ba to or dala na rin sa pagbabago ng hormones ko kaya ako naiinis or nagagalit or ewan ko ba (sa mother ng partner ko). She is 64 if I am not mistaken, dati siyang ma bisyo - inom, sugal, at drugs. Ngayon na tumanda na, natigil bisyo nya but ayun na nga multiple illness ang naging result ng checkup nya. May heart enlargement, gout, athritis, uti, atbp.
Walang kaso ho saakin na kung minsan pumupunta siya and natutulog sa bahay namin lalo na if kelangan nya na bumalik sa doctor for checkup. Ang problema lang po kasi is each time na gawi siya sa bahay, nagpapa asikaso talaga. Di gaya sa mama ko na kusang nagluluto, naghahanda, kumakain if nagugutom kumbaga tumutulong din kahit papano.
I am sorry, I felt guilty typing this pero kasi ako minsan nahihirapan makatulog kasi walang aircon dahil nagtitipid but I have to wake up early in the morning 5am-6am para ipag timpla kape mama nya kasi kapag nagising ka onti sasabihan ka na gutom na siya (nakaupo lang while tulog pa kami ni LIP, uupo lang yan if gising na). Tinuroan na namin san nakalagay yung coffee, alam na alam nya pano gumamit ng butane, saan nakalagay yung mga paglulutoan, saan ang pagkain at iba pa.
Multiple illness pero kaya pa nya tumayo. Nagagawa pa nga mag standby sa kapitbahay kahit tirik na tirik ang araw.
During lunchtime ako din hanggang sa dinner (kahit hugas lang ng pinagkainan di pa magawa)- ewan ko ba, di ko din naiintindihan sarili ko baka namiss ko lang mama ko. ☹️ Kapag andito siya sa amin, ako gumagastos ng pamasahe, sa akin din nakahawak (ambigat pa kasi medyo may kalakihan) one time nga ako pa nagpa binyag sa kanya dahil late registration 1pm yun, dala ko bagpack, sling bag, shoulder bag nya pa and paperbag, tapos pinapayongan pa siya- malaki na tiyan ko and hirap na ako huminga, nangangalay na shoulders ko kasi sana hawak lang kaso gagawin kang sungkod mafifeel mo yung bigat nya - pra bang inaalsa mo. That time wala si LIP kasi may lakad.
Okay lang sa part ng expenses, kaso yung LIP ko may dalawang anak sa iba and nagsusustento kada kinsena, ako naman walang trabaho gawa ng sensitive ang pagbubuntis ko. Tipid na tipid ako sa lahat. Yung naitatago kong pera sa online business ko pinapambili ko ng gamot nya. Minsan ng gi guilt trip kasi hihingi sya pera sa kapatid nya tapos sasabihin “Humingi nalang ako ng pera sa kapatid ko kasi wala nakong gamot last inom ko nung nakaraan pa, if hindi ako humingi di din ako makakainom”. Tapos ako na nakikinig gusto ko nalang maiyak- papabili lahat ng gamot sa isang bagsakan and tinotal ng pharmacists umabot ng ₱10k, saan ako kukuha ng pera? Wala din budget LIP ko, may babayaran pa kaming upa, tubig, kurente, pagkain atbp.
Ma asikaso akong tao- pero sa ngayon iba na. Feeling ko pagod na pagod ako araw-araw. Di makatulog, di makahinga minsan, ceiling fan lang meron kami pero dahil sa El Niño feeling ko maiistroke pa ako.
LIP ko naman di nagbibigay minsan kasi nga budgeted lahat, isa na din dyan is parang di malambot sa mama nya kasi iniiwan sya dati nga mga days at weeks tapos walang kain kasi inuuna ang drugs.
Nung na gawi uli mama nya sa amin, nabasa ko nalang text niya sa LIP ko na baka ang toxic ko na partner kaya nag deactivate ng fb si LIP dahil sa stress - inakala kasi na blinock silang lahat.
Nagiging maganda lang mood at nag iiloveyou lang sa LIP pag may binibigay na pera. Sasabihin pa “Salamat sa 2k na binigay mo, kaunting halaga lang to pero salamat na rin”.
Nakakapagod din pala unahin yung iba. Feeling ko ambabaw ko ngayon. I shouldn’t be feeling this way kasi matanda na mama nya and nauunawaan ko ang sitwasyon- di ko lang maiwasan mag compare ng parents namin. ☹️
Gusto ko din maranasan asikasohin lalo na ngayon. Yung na save ko para sa baby things sana na pambili wala na. Sana dala lang to ng hormones ko- utak ko stress na. Pagod na ako umunawa. Kahit talaga anong maganda na ipakita mo may sasabihin at sasabihin talaga ang tao sayo.
Gusto ko nalng umuwi sa amin. Ayoko na sa buhay na ganito. By the way, si LIP pala is physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Minsan gusto ko i blame sa mama nya at sabihin na nakapa irresponsable nyang ina- lahat ng hinanakit ng anak nya sa kanya misan sa akin inilalabas.
Hays. Lord, ikaw na bahala sa amin ng baby ko. ☹️😭

To my fellow working ls how do you handle the emotional stress given by your boss? I don’t know what to do anymore. Akala ko manhid na ako everytime na sasabihan akong “Di ba pinag usapan natin na between work and school, you will choose your work” I requested kasi a different shift sa HR since I enrolled sa LS, it was approved even by our AVP. Pero laging sinasabing kapalit ng boss ko is to extend my shift pag naisipan nyang magpatawag ng meeting 30mins bago ako mag-out. Kahit yung di ko pag attend sa Team Building na inschedule lang nya (Sat & Sun), sinasabihan nya ako na Official Work un and I cannot say no sa kaniya khit pa daw Final Exam ko on that day.
And kanina, I was informed by one of my workmate, that the last time nagmeeting kami and umalis ako (w/ paalam sa IS), my boss talked behind my back daw, infront of everyone else. Like pinahiya daw nya ako. Questioning yung pag alis & pagpapaalam ko sa IS ko na mauna na ako umalis. The meeting started at 4:45 pm. I should be out by 5pm kasi bbyahe pa ako to school, pero hindi ako nag-out agad as a respect and hiya sa kaniya. 6pm na, hindi pa tapos meeting. 6:30 pm ang class ko. 6:05pm I asked permission sa IS ko, and he allowed me since wla na akong part sa meeting and ofc beyond working hrs na un.
Wala lng, nalungkot lang ako. Nag kklase ako knina pero para akong lutang. Iniisip ko yung sinasabi ng boss ko. Pero ayoko mgpatalo sa emotions ko.

One last try before ako totally mamaalam sa Reddit. Abot ka pa. 😉 I'm looking for something serious (so if you're here for fun-fun lang, go away). 2022 pa last relationship ko then puro failed talking stages na. It's sad when you know your intentions are pure & you have something to bring to the table pero wala pa rin.
About me:

• I date to marry
• 5'0", petite/fit (I workout at home & will go to the gym soon), fair-skinned, w wavy hair
• Accountancy grad (alr workingggg)
• HAHAHAHAHAHAHA person
• financially responsible, emotionally mature, mentally stable
• I love to travel (very kaladkarin sa galaan)
• I'm not a gamer. If you are, then I'm so much willing to learn para makalaro ka
• currently in province (IV-B) because I'm working from home. I'll be back in Makati next month for a 2-week stay.

About you:

• 5'7" & above with normal BMI
• 1-3 years older than me
• cute mag-smile :">
• working
• mentally stable & emotionally mature
• non-smoker, not inked
• 🌸

Tell me how your day went plus a short intro about yourself :)

Looking for genuine connection na will lead to a serious relationship. I want to settle down na :')
About me: * Normal BMI & Curvy * 5'3 * Working professionally * Confidently beautiful with a heart 🇵🇭👑 * Goal Oriented (Yes, ikaw ang goal ;)) * May sense of humor para 'di tayo sad haha (dark humor enjoyer din) * I love volunteering at our community * Compationate with a big heart 🥺 * I love cooking and I would like to try baking soon * Outgoing and has an active lifestyle * Goes to gym * Furparent 🐈 * Dating red flag enjoyer, kaya please green flags pasok! 😭 * Love language: Physical Touch & Quality Time (Giving), Physical touch & Words of affirmation (Receiving)
About you: * Normal BMI and average build (no dad bods sorry!) * 27 and up only! * 5'7 and up po * Confident with their looks (I'm very particular sa appearance, so let's swap pics) * Financially stable na may pangarap sa buhay * Outgoing & loves to travel din * May sense on humor din please kahit tito humor pa 'yan 😅 * May hobbies na you can teach me (I love learning new things) * Emotionally stable * Goes to the gym din hehe potential gym buddy!
Please message me with your intro. Thank youuu! 😊❤️

𝗕𝗔𝗕𝗔𝗟𝗔: Kung feeling mo ikaw ay isang Student TraPo, ‘wag mo nang tangkain pang basahin ang buong nilalaman ng artikulong ito. Masasaktan ka lang.
𝗘𝘁𝗶𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗧𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗦𝘁𝘂𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗣𝗼𝗹𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗻𝘀 (𝘍𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘈𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘴)
𝘯𝘪 𝘉𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘖𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘰
Ating hihimay-himayin ang mga tuntunin para sa mga Student TraPos (Traditional Politicians).

1. SUMALI KA SA MARAMING STUDENT ORGS - Walang mali sa pag-sali sa maraming orgs. Magkaka-problema lang is kapag ginagamit ito as another clout habang ang contribution mo is less to none. Bonus if Freshman siya ginagawa.
   
2. ALWAYS WEAR A PLASTIC SMILE - Student TraPo ka, so you should always smile. Very typical if you want to be a Student-Leader one day. Meaning di inaacknowledge yung real emotions mo.
   
3. KNOWLEDGE IN DEBATE IS A PLUS; GOOD GRAMMAR IS A MUST One of the core traits of a Leader is a Good Communicator and a Freethinker. Student Trapos only do this during Campaigns
   
4. HINDI KA PAPAKABOG SA MGA EVENTS - Walang problema sa pag-cherish ng events, pero Dito papasok ang mga Student-Trapos na feeling "Main Character" each time na may events na sila ang nag-head, or sinalihan.
   
5. YOU AIN'T CLICK "ADD FRIEND" UNLESS KA LEVEL MO O MAS ANGAT SA'YO- During halalan, iilan sa atin na tatakbo ay nag-sesemd ng Friend Request sa FB, but only to higher-ups.
   
6. YOU VORACIOUSLY CONSUME THE SOCIAL MEDIA TO AIR YOUR SENSELESS SENTIMENTS - i.e. A Social Media Addict na focused on News.
   

Continuation of the above post...

1. MARAMI KANG PLATAPORMA (NA HINDI NATUTUPAD) - The platforms of a Student-Trapo fall into 3 Categories: Generic, Impossible to Achieve within the Term, and Doesn't Benefit the Student-Body
   
2. YOU PUT YOUR ASS ON THE FRONT SEAT - Another "Main Character" na "deserve" ng VIP Seat sa kada may Event.
   
3. YOU’RE DONE WITH “LEDERSHEP KOWTS"; BUT YOU'RE NOT YET THROUGH WITH POLITICKING - Self-Explanatory
   
4. KUNWARI SOLID KAYO SA PARTIDO BUT THE REALITY IS, NAGPA-PLASTIKAN LANG NAMAN TALAGA KAYO - The Slates are formed by either: Friends na backstabbing later, or May Backstabbing na nagaganap between the same party.
   
5. VETERAN KA NA SA MEETING DE AVANCE - Veteran in a sense na nakaka-ilang ulit ka ng Meeting de Avance pero hindi ka pa rin nananalo sa eleksyon…
   
6. YUNG IBANG TRAPO, MARAMING BACK SUBJECTS AT LUBHANG NANGANGANIB ANG DIPLOMA - Because ang Student-Trapo ay naging BS in Organization due to too much time on Orgs than acads na yung latter, yung mas importante, ay napapabayaan through late deadlines, mediocre effort etc.
   

Published in print in the Universitarian's 2015 issue.
READ FULL: https://tinyurl.com/2p8j7aes

Nakita ko yung recent convo ng partner ko at ng ex niya at medyo intimate ito
Kahapon lang nangyari ito. Hiniram ko yung laptop ng partner ko at di ko sinasadyang makita yung Messenger account niya. Nag-pop up bigla yung convo nila ng ex niya. I swear, naitaon lang talaga ito. Nag-uusap pala sila nang hindi ko alam. In the past kasi, nababanggit niya sa akin pag nagcha-chat yung ex niya sa kanya. Pinapakita pa niya yung convo nila. Plain lang, casual. But that one time, ang haba ng usapan nila. Parang lowkey nilalandi siya ng ex niya, natatawa lang siya. Hindi niya masyadong dini-dismiss. Pabibo si ex, at based sa kung paano magreply si partner, ramdam ko yung interes niyang makipag-usap sa ex niya. Nasaktan ako at that very moment. Pero nung nabasa ko yung chat niya saying "Magkaibigan tayo. Yun na lang muna," parang guguho na yung mundo ko. Nanginig ako pagkabasa nung chat. 🥺🥺🥺
Tinatanong ko yung sarili ko kung kasalanan ko ba kung bakit dumating sa puntong yan. Ganito pala yung feeling na parang somewhat niloko ka ng partner mo. Nasa rock bottom ako ngayon. Di ko itatanggi, madalas kaming may arguments nitong mga nakaraang linggo. Mostly dahil sa akin. I would say na hindi ako masyadong stable emotionally. Pero napag-usapan na namin ito. Inayos na namin. Nag-sorry ako sa kanya at mas naging open ako sa thoughts ko. Sabi ko sa kanya, I'll be better at aayusin ko yung sarili ko. Ibabalik ko yung drive ko na tuparin lahat ng plano ko para sa career ko, sa sarili ko, at siyempre, sa amin. Mahal na mahal ko siya.
Naiiyak ako ngayon. Sana pala di ko na lang nabasa yung convo nila.

I really am taking you with me on this...
Seems I'm 2 months into beginning my second try with Keto for Bipolar 2.
And maybe 3 weeks since I rose from my bed ridden, non-showering, withdrawn, suicidal, depression.
I'm functioning now.
I really want to step things up more and I'd welcome your insights please?
Eating
I'm tending to start the day with a filter coffee and non-dairy milk.
I'm not really hungry so not tending to eating till 1ish and am mostly eating a steak (sirloin, rump, iron or minute) and veg (broccoli, runner beans, kale or spinach), half an avocado and then I pour the animal fat from the steak over the veg and add salt and pepper
I'm not eating another proper meal, as such, but I do snack.
Snacks are unsalted nuts, mashed up boiled eggs with olive oil, celery sticks or yogurt (milk or coconut) and berries (strawberry's, raspberry's, blackberry's and blueberry's). I sometimes also trade the yogurt for double cream or clotted cream.
I'm having a coffee quite a few times throughout the day and drinking sparkling water.
Exercise
I'm doing a gentle flat walk nearly every day.
Ranging from 30mins, to 1 hour to the odd 2 hour walk.
Sleep
Sleep is much better, I'm going to bed at 10ish (probably falling asleep at 11pm) at waking naturally just before 8ish.
Bloods
Average 28 days for Glucose is 4.8mmol/L and Ketones is 2.2mmol/L
Highest Ketone has been 3.7 (quite a few times)
Emotions
I'm still feeling suicidal ideation from time to time, I'm still comparing myself unfavourably to others and suffering with envy, I'm still feeling overwhelmed and paralysed about how to climb out of this hole. I could go on...
Next steps
As you can see from above I'm doing so much better than I was. But I want/need more.
I'm thinking of asking the butchers for fats cuts from other meats?
I think I need to drop blueberry's?
I think I need to reduce my coffee?
I think I should do some cardio (maybe begin with 7 minutes on the bike, 7 on the step machine and 7 on the row machine and slowly increase it?)
Open to Suggestions
I'm looking for suggestions please?
The smallest amount of effort for the biggest shift (I'm still quite fragile) is welcome.
Thanks in advance, I do value your input and experience.

Nakakatakot na mag commit, Di ko alam anong meron pero madalas ng mga nakaka something ko nitong mga nakaraan is puro mga single mom ,may bf or may mga asawa na, don't get me wrong I enjoy the company ang hirap din kasi tanggihan lalo na pag palay na yung lumalapit pero di ko tlga kaya mag commit pag buy one take one or yung mga gustong makatakas sa mga asawa/bf nila, para akong nagiging fly trap ng mga babaeng emotionally troubled nitong mga nakaraan, mapa online, baclubs or sa work recently lang may naka ano ako na i met online, second round lang niya sinabi na meron siyang asawa pero di na daw sila okay kasi apparently nag cheat daw asawa niya once and parang madalas na sila nag aaway. ohmygulay, In season ba?

Hello, I hardly have any energy to write this but my partner thinks I need some more insight. For the past 2-3 weeks, I've been manic.. idk if it was hypo or not but it was definitely up. I was even at 1000% while I was suffering a flu variant for four days.
Well, I went back to work today after taking off for two days (plus the weekend) and I had a good time in class but then when I got home, it hit me like a train. Just pure and utter numbness and exhaustion. I don't even feel like smoking weed...and I'm a daily smoker (In a legal state).
How can I pull myself together for the rest of this week? These kids really depends on my enthusiasm as sped 3rd/2nd graders. (I'm just their para but I work with them emotionally)
Thanks for any insight..

Hi, nasa starting line palang po ako ng adulting yay ahaha. Kakagraduate lang and all, was job hunting but decided na mag upskill muna para sa pangarap. So right now, I have a lot of time on my own and syempre sa own thoughts ko rin.
I have big dreams po hehe, and I'm actually excited to achieve them. Pero alam ko po sa sarili ko na ayun nga po unstable mental health ko. Even if I have dreams and is passionate, madalas po nakacloud yung utak with negative emotions. There are a lot of times po na parang ginapang ko nalang talaga yung mga need ko gawin sa school, kasi I was really struggling mentally. As a result, wala po akong nareretain na knowledge (memories, even) during that time tapos yung results din na napoproduce ko mediocre lang. Natatakot ako na baka maging ganto lagi. I'm trying my best naman kaso bakit parang wala lang sa huli :((
Gusto ko pong iresolve to of course and I believe po need ng professional help kaso lang kasi I can't afford it yet. So andito po ako ngayon, to rant na rin siguro nang onti hehe and ask for thoughts ganun kasi I don't have anyone that I can talk to this about. Hoping din na makacome across ng motivating na insight na rin. <3
Do you think po ba na people struggling with their mental health can still achieve big things?

Okay lang ikumpara niyo ko kila kuya, sa ngayon wala pa naman ako napapatunayan. Kasi wala pa naman ako stable na job sa ngayon. Kaya tatanggapin ko yang masasakit na salita niyo saken. Ma,Pa di niyo lang alam gaano na kadurog tong bunso niyo sa mga pinagsasabi niyo.
Oo di ako nakapag tapos ng pag aaral, pero kahit di ako nakapag tapos ng pag aaral nangangarap parin ako. Kaya kahit bata pa ako eto nag apply ako mag trabaho abroad dahil gusto ko kayo mabilhan ng sariling bahay at maparanas sa inyo yung maginhawang pamumuhay.
Kamalian ko nalang lagi nakikita niyo talaga, yung mabuti ko na nagawa di niyo man lang nakikita. Durog na durog na ako emotionally, lalo na't inaktuhan niyo sisirain niyo computer ko.
Ewan ko ba, sa tuwing nag aaway tayo. Lagi niyo nalang binabanggit yung mga kamalian ko dati at ngayon. Oo na wala na akong utak, bobo na ako. Ako talaga pinaka inutil sa magkakapatid. Oo tama kayo, sa mga barkada ko ako lang di nakapag tapos ng pagaaral at di dapat ako nasama sa kanila dahil nakakahiya ako. Tama kayo, dapat pinalayas niyo na ako dahil wala ako silbi sa bahay.
Sana pag namatay ako, maalala niyo mga mabuti kong nagawa at maalala niyo kahalagahan ko. Kahit durog na durog na ako emotionally, but God giving me a reason to keep moving forward. Alam kong siya nalang ang kakampi ko kaya eto pilit parin akong lumalaban sa buhay, para mapatunayan sa inyo na mali kayo sa sinasabi niyo.
Etong July or August deployment ko na pa Poland, waiting nalang ako sa plain ticket ko. Gugulatin ko nalang kayo na aalis na ako. Pero thankful parin ako dahil pinatuloy niyo ko sa bahay niyo hanggang ngayon.

Hi. Im 38 turning 39 years old soon this year, so medyo tanders or tito na, and a nerdy most of my life. I recently moved to a new apartment in Las Pinas.
Sobrang late ako sa mundo ng M4M like siguro dahil sobrang praning lagi ako na ma-force out dahil makikita ng kakilala or may makakaalam or something. Sobrang late ko na naisip na i should take charge of my life haha.
At dahil feeling independent life na ako, i hope to meet A NICE GUY:

• Who doesn't mind my age (ilang kembot nalang 40 years old na)
• Who doesn't mind my chubbyness (trying to lose weight but its super hard, hopefully my sudden solo life can help. I have a membership at anytime fitness but schedule is hard dahil sa work).
• I know this sounds cliche, pero hindi naman required na gwapo o hottie, ni hindi rin kailangang "blessed"... pero who can be a great friend (best friend nga actually), both within and outside intimacy.
• Not very particular sa looks, complexion, although based on my gender identity, i'm looking for a guy "who will be the more husband" between us if given the chance. But this isn't a must requirement haha.
• Who is hopefully mature in a lot of ways
  • Hindi freeloader. I don't mind any profession pero at least may plano para sa sarili nya.
  • Who will not be jealous of my work, and if ever family time
  • Hindi liar, hindi cheater (i know people might say im stating the obvious, but im still putting it out here).
  • Hindi mapanakit, physically, verbally, and emotionally.
• Any age is okay, i dont mind meeting someone younger or older. Although, i generally am more at wave length with older, but i dont want to be restrained by age in meeting people.

About me:

• 38 soon to be 39 years old
• 5'6 height
• 85 kilos (may tiyan na huhu)
• Malabo mata, may glasses (above 700 both left and right per recent optical shop visit lol)
• nerdy looking
• Childhood spent in Manila and Makati, but i just moved last month in Las Pinas
• I enjoy traveling and staycations (although this has to be scheduled properly due to work).
• I like anime, and generally Japan pop culture.
• Yes i like to eat, mapa-koboy man o fine dining.
• Finally: I voted for Leni Robredo and Kiko Pangilinan last May 2022 elections (I hope you get the gist :-) )

I'm still trying to figure out life (despite my age). I hope you can tag along and be a part of it.
If interested, DM me here or via telegram: henriettopex.

Nakipagbreak ako tonight sa bf ko.
6 yrs na kami ng boyfriend ko and lagi ako nakikipagbreak sakanya, madalas due to small reason. Madalas bamin pag awayan yung sa pagtulog nya. LDR pala kami and alam nyo naman pag LDR struggle talaga sa communication lalo na kapag hndi naman ganun ka open when it comes to communication yung ibang guy at isa duj ang bf ko.
Madalas ulit2 lang talaga pinag uusapan. Ang hinhingi ko lang sakanya is ipakita nya yung interest nya saken, madami p kasi sya hndi alam saken at dko nakikita na nag eeffort sya oara alamin. Parang masaya na sya na nanjan lang ako at ako ang nag eeffort sa lahat especially sa communication. Masasabi ko naman na good listener sya pero madalas kami may pagtatalo din due to difference in opinions.
Sa goals naman, lagi ko sya pinupush para sa future namin. Now kasi working sya sa government at ung sahod nya sapat lang sakanya at sa family nya. Solo sya anak at sya bumubuhay sa mommy nya, wala na sya father.
Sabi nya gsto nya ako pakasalan at magkaanak pero wala sya ipon, wala pa naipupundar. Ako naman is working from home at yung sahod ko kahit mas malaki sakanya is mas madami ako tinutulungan. Ako bumubuhay sa nanay ko kasi nangapitbahay na papa ko.
Ive been strugging to find a work from home and gladly nakahanap ng pasok sa gsto ko na salary kahit sabi nya wag na daw ako maarte, sya kasi nagsusupport sakin while wala ako work. Siguro nahihirapan na din. Btw, muntik n kami magkaanak but we chose to abort it dahil alam ko na hndi ko kaya financially, emotionally. Baka magsuffer lang ang bata. This is a sin i know pero that's our choice and mainly my choice.
Last week nalate ako ng gising sa shift ko kasi 11pm to 8am shiff ko. Yes graveyard talaga at nahihirapan pako mag adjust. Nagsorry sya non kasi hndi nya ako nagising at ako naman si tanga e hndi nakapag alarm kasi bgla ako nakatulog.
Tonight, inask nya ako kung nag alarm ako sabi ko oo, tapos sabi nya magmsg daw ako pag gising ko then pag di daw ako nagmsg is gigisingin daw nya ako. Nagising ako earlier mga 10.30. By 10.45pm nagmsg ako sakanya, Nagjoke ako na nasan na ung gigising saken. At un nga syempre nakatulog sya, nagmisscall ako to make sure. Sabi nya 11pm daw alarm nya. Bigla ako napaisip kng totoo or talagang nakatulog na sya kasi sobra antukin nya, minsan hindi nya nararamdaman kng okay b talaga ako or hndi pa basta matutulog sya.
Madalas ko naiisip na yung mga sinasabi nya hndi nagrereflect sa gawa and kahit anong push ko sakanya para sa future, sa una mag oo lang sya pero ung effort wala. Sabi nya hahanap daw sya sideline para makaipon kasi kulang sahod nya pero pah chinecheck ko sya sa weekends ano gnagawa nya, tulog at ML lang tas nagwowork daw sya kasi daw may naiwan sya na works.
So in short wala din sya time for sideline kahit sabi nya pipilitin daw nya humanap pa ng nightshift kahit wala na sya masyado tulog which sounds bullshit. Sana maging honest na lang kng hndi kaya or kng sinasabi nya yun sana makitaan ng konti effort.
Im struggling with depression and feeling ko hndi healthy sakin relationship kaso feeling ko toxic na ako tapos parang nakakadagdag pa ung mga expectations ko and disappointments
Feeling ko wala na rin kami pupuntahan sa relationship kasi up to now LDR kami at nakatira pa rin ako sa parents ko dahil nga sa wala kami ipon. Nagttry ako mag ipon now pero nakikita ko na hndi pa rin kami magkakaron sarili house if ever. Parang sya is go with the flow lang sa ano plans ko pero wala sya concrete plans para samin.
Eto ako nasa workshift pero nagpopost neto. Kanina pa ako umiiyak dko alam gagawin kasi mahal ko sya at alam ko pipilitin nya ako makipagbalikan. Pero parang Im done na talaga. Just want to focus on myself muna. Hays.

My first ever boyfriend and I broke up last March 25. Saktong 6th monthsary pa naman din namin. But we’re a year magkakilala and almost a year magkausap. But I know in my heart I really really loved him. I’ve thought and planned of my whole future with him.
That exact day, we talked in person and honestly I was hoping na baka maayos pa. I prepared a script, and nandun lahat ng gusto kong sabihin and tanungin para wala ng regrets if ever na over na talaga.
That night, I was really crying so hard sa place na may memories kami. I wasn’t there intentionally, but andun si Mama so I went there. Unit siya sa isang condo and nag-stay ako sa balcony for hours, hapon hanggang gabi nasa labas lang ako. Processing my emotions and crying for hours.
Nung gabi na, dun parang sinampal ako nang malakas na wala na talaga. Lahat ng memories bumalik sakin, ALL AT ONCE. Super sakit. I gave him my everything. There was no third party. Super complicated lang talaga and the circumstances were really tough that we had no choice but to give up. I always told myself that I want to be better as a person but with him around, hindi ko magawa. Basta, super complicated talaga.
I was wailing sa sakit, sobrang sakit. I felt my heart hurting physically na that I was holding my chest while crying.
Almost 2 months na kaming break but it still hurts. Healing will never be linear talaga. Last night kinikilig pa lang ako sa cinomment ko sa isang post about how we started dating but now nasasaktan na naman ako.
He still have my heart. And I have no plans on entertaining anyone else new. For now, I’ll just work on myself and I promised to myself na I will improve myself. Not for him, but because of him.

Hi po! Warning, long post ahead. Share ko lang sana yung situation ko and I wanna hear your thoughts/advice on this matter.
My sister and I are currently renting a condo unit and lately, di ko na talaga kinakaya ugali nya. Like before okay, I can tolerate pa kase mas bata sya (btw we're both college students). Mostly di namin pinagkakasunduan is di nya ginagawa yung assigned na chores sa kanya, so ang ending, ako nalang gumagawa.
Then nag-escalate na yung inis ko kase ginamit nya yung damit ko without asking me first then I saw nalang sa sampayan tapos putikan yung dulo ng pants (mahaba kase for her yung pants kaya naapakan nya). So I confronted her, sabi ko u should have asked me first sana before wearing MY clothes and make sure na ayusin nya rin pag ibabalik. I was calmly talking to her then she answered ba naman "nilabhan ko na nga e" pataray pa. So uminit talaga ulo ni ati mo. Wala man lang akong narinig na sorry. I WAS GETTING READY PA NAMAN TO CELEB MY BIRTHDAY. Hinahanap ko yung pants kase yun sana isusuot ko. Sya pa talaga yung nagtaray at nagsabi na madamot ako sa lola namin (dun kase sya lagi nagsusumbong and lagi rin sya kinakampihan).
After ng incident na to, di ko na sya pinapansin kase di ko talaga nagustuhan yung attittude nya. I was waiting for her to realize na hindi dapat ganun, paano kung ibang tao kasama nya sa condo/dorm, diba. So lumipas na ilang months, wala pa rin, sya pa nagmamatigas. Ako naman hinahayaan ko lang sya as long as di na maulit at tumulong na rin sana sya sa chores. But sadly, wala.
Then lumipas na ilang months, nag christmas and new year na, girlll wala talagang character developement. During school break, we went home to our province tas malaman laman ko na kung ano ano sinasabi nya about me na mahirap daw ako kasama, dami ko daw lagi sinasabi, nakakadepress daw ako kasama. I was really hurt talaga kase ang gusto nya mangyare pa is magalit din sila sakin. I felt betrayed kase as much as possible iniintindi ko naman sya, wala sinabing masama behind her back kase I always confront her if i have concerns, di ko na pinapadaan sa iba. I don't get din why kaylangan nya ako siraan or make me look like the bad guy dahil lang don. Sobrang babaw ng pinagsimulan, sa damit lang, kinausap ko lang sya na wag na nya uulitin yun.
Looking back, napapag sabihan ko rin sya sa ibang bagay, like nung sembreak sya yung natira sa condo kase nagstay pa sya since may gala sila ng friends nya, di nya tinapon yung basura bago umalis. So pagbalik ko, SOBRANG DAMING IPIS. Grabe ang stress ko non, nagpa-pest control pa ako kase ginawa na nilang bahay yung basurahan at kung san san na sila gumagapang, until now may ipis pa rin :<< Masama ba na pagsabihan sya? Di naman ako nagkulang sa pag remind na laging itapon basura at maglinis para maiwasan yung pests. Nainis ba sya sakin kase nagger ako? Mali po ba yung approach ko? Tapos before pa mangyare lahat ng to, kasama namin sa condo yung classmate nya. Di rin nya nakasundo kase di daw naglilinis, dami laging dalang bisita, basta madami syang reklamo about her classmate. As an ate, syempre i took action, i asked her to leave nalang. Tapos ang ending, sya naman yun ganun, di naglilinis, makalat sa gamit, pag magdadala ng visitors di naglilinis. Ang nangyayare, I always clean after her, tapos ganun pala yung sinasabi nya about me behind my back, sa family namin. It really made me sad kase ako naman, di naman talaga ako masyado nagpapakita ng emotions and di rin ako masyado nagsasabi sa fam namin. I try to keep things to myself, pero after knowing all of this, I felt really affected sa mga nangyare. Napapaisip nalang ako minsan bat nagkaganito.
I already asked our mom na if pede maghiwalay nalang kami kase dagdag pa sya sa iniisp ko bukod sa acads. Ayoko na kase sya maka-interact sa ngayon kase na-hurt talaga ako. So ang problem ko ngayon is if aalis ako, maasikaso nya kaya yung condo? Like recently lang, nagkaron ng termite infestation kase yung kapitbahay na unit is inaanay na, pero wala syang idea na may ganun na. In short, di sya aware sa mga nangyayare sa condo kase di rin naman sya naglilinis. Willing naman ako lumipat and sya na yung mag-stay. As of now, medyo magulo pa isip ko kung paano ba gagawin pero ang gusto ko lang talaga is mahiwalay sa kanya.

Hi po! Warning, long post ahead. Share ko lang sana yung situation ko and I wanna hear your thoughts/advice on this matter.
My sister and I are currently renting a condo unit and lately, di ko na talaga kinakaya ugali nya. Like before okay, I can tolerate pa kase mas bata sya (btw we're both college students). Mostly di namin pinagkakasunduan is di nya ginagawa yung assigned na chores sa kanya, so ang ending, ako nalang gumagawa.
Then nag-escalate na yung inis ko kase ginamit nya yung damit ko without asking me first then I saw nalang sa sampayan tapos putikan yung dulo ng pants (mahaba kase for her yung pants kaya naapakan nya). So I confronted her, sabi ko u should have asked me first sana before wearing MY clothes and make sure na ayusin nya rin pag ibabalik. I was calmly talking to her then she answered ba naman "nilabhan ko na nga e" pataray pa. So uminit talaga ulo ni ati mo. Wala man lang akong narinig na sorry. I WAS GETTING READY PA NAMAN TO CELEB MY BIRTHDAY. Hinahanap ko yung pants kase yun sana isusuot ko. Sya pa talaga yung nagtaray at nagsabi na madamot ako sa lola namin (dun kase sya lagi nagsusumbong and lagi rin sya kinakampihan).
After ng incident na to, di ko na sya pinapansin kase di ko talaga nagustuhan yung attittude nya. I was waiting for her to realize na hindi dapat ganun, paano kung ibang tao kasama nya sa condo/dorm, diba. So lumipas na ilang months, wala pa rin, sya pa nagmamatigas. Ako naman hinahayaan ko lang sya as long as di na maulit at tumulong na rin sana sya sa chores. But sadly, wala.
Then lumipas na ilang months, nag christmas and new year na, girlll wala talagang character developement. During school break, we went home to our province tas malaman laman ko na kung ano ano sinasabi nya about me na mahirap daw ako kasama, dami ko daw lagi sinasabi, nakakadepress daw ako kasama. I was really hurt talaga kase ang gusto nya mangyare pa is magalit din sila sakin. I felt betrayed kase as much as possible iniintindi ko naman sya, wala sinabing masama behind her back kase I always confront her if i have concerns, di ko na pinapadaan sa iba. I don't get din why kaylangan nya ako siraan or make me look like the bad guy dahil lang don. Sobrang babaw ng pinagsimulan, sa damit lang, kinausap ko lang sya na wag na nya uulitin yun.
Looking back, napapag sabihan ko rin sya sa ibang bagay, like nung sembreak sya yung natira sa condo kase nagstay pa sya since may gala sila ng friends nya, di nya tinapon yung basura bago umalis. So pagbalik ko, SOBRANG DAMING IPIS. Grabe ang stress ko non, nagpa-pest control pa ako kase ginawa na nilang bahay yung basurahan at kung san san na sila gumagapang, until now may ipis pa rin :<< Masama ba na pagsabihan sya? Di naman ako nagkulang sa pag remind na laging itapon basura at maglinis para maiwasan yung pests. Nainis ba sya sakin kase nagger ako? Mali po ba yung approach ko? Tapos before pa mangyare lahat ng to, kasama namin sa condo yung classmate nya. Di rin nya nakasundo kase di daw naglilinis, dami laging dalang bisita, basta madami syang reklamo about her classmate. As an ate, syempre i took action, i asked her to leave nalang. Tapos ang ending, sya naman yun ganun, di naglilinis, makalat sa gamit, pag magdadala ng visitors di naglilinis. Ang nangyayare, I always clean after her, tapos ganun pala yung sinasabi nya about me behind my back, sa family namin. It really made me sad kase ako naman, di naman talaga ako masyado nagpapakita ng emotions and di rin ako masyado nagsasabi sa fam namin. I try to keep things to myself, pero after knowing all of this, I felt really affected sa mga nangyare. Napapaisip nalang ako minsan bat nagkaganito.
I already asked our mom na if pede maghiwalay nalang kami kase dagdag pa sya sa iniisp ko bukod sa acads. Ayoko na kase sya maka-interact sa ngayon kase na-hurt talaga ako. So ang problem ko ngayon is if aalis ako, maasikaso nya kaya yung condo? Like recently lang, nagkaron ng termite infestation kase yung kapitbahay na unit is inaanay na, pero wala syang idea na may ganun na. In short, di sya aware sa mga nangyayare sa condo kase di rin naman sya naglilinis. Willing naman ako lumipat and sya na yung mag-stay. As of now, medyo magulo pa isip ko kung paano ba gagawin pero ang gusto ko lang talaga is mahiwalay sa kanya.

So here's the situation. At age of 22, my mother keeps a tracker on me (life360) and every time I go out, she would check and call and ask me where I am and what I'm doing there and what time will I be getting home. And sure that's a normal thing mothers do, Im sure. BUT the weird thing is she only recently became obsessed with me when I turned into an adult. Back then, during her breakup with her partner at the time and her going through mental instability (she made an attempt at sewerslide), I was left in the came of my (now ex) bf's family home where I lived for about 2 years during senior high with little to know monetary support. At the time, my father (who is also absent) was the one paying for my shs tuition and 5k allowance monthly which I have to divide between bills, fare, school expenses, etc at the age of 16-17. I didnt know where she was cus she went MIA and bigla one day she just shows up and treats me like walang nangyari and wants me to keep accommodating her while she hasn't realized kung paano ako naapektohan sa ginawa niya kasi walang-wala din ako noon.
The situation now is that when f2f in college started, my mom followed me to manila and we rent a house in the south but because I go to school sa north-ish, i decided to rent a condo with my best friend so it's nearby school but my mother makes me go home every week. I pay for my own condo with the money I earned, I pay for my bills, I even pay for the internet sa house namin sa south, and I shoulder all of my school and personal expenses except tuition (my father pays for that).
Recently, I went to my (now) bf's place to spend time before the new term starts and she calls me in the middle of having dinner screaming about why i'm there all the time and it was very embarrassing for me because naririnig din ng bf ko. Sabi niya pa na markado na niya kung nasan ako at ipapahanap niya ako sa lolo ko (retired policeman) tapos kakaladkarin niya ako (she's done it before just because I cried when she threatened to violate my privacy). When I was younger, she slapped me across the face after praying before dinner JUST because there was a school activity na hindi ko alam yung buong details about and told her I'll check later tapos nainis siya sakin (namaga muka ko and she didnt send me to school the following day PLUS she didnt normally care about any of my school activities), pag galit siya sa kung sino man saakin niya ilalabas yun tapos i-gguilt trip niya ako na wala akong pake sakanya and would gaslightme into thinking im selfish when I make decisions for myself that doesn't necessarily harm anyone. And I didnt grow up a problem child but recently I have been realizing all the ways she had emotionally and mentally abused me. Every time I did something that she disagreed with (and they arent even necessarily bad things, just normal things I try to take care of as an adult but somehow this upsets her) she would say bastos ako, para akong yung tatay ko, pala-desisyon, wala pa akong alam, wala akong malasakit, etc. When all my life all i've been doing is regulating her anger issues due to fear. Now that has become a detriment to my own mental health and it has affected various things in my life -- acads, works, relationships. And she doesn't even spend anything on me unless she wants to because I do not ask anything from her anymore because I can afford to do and buy those myself. I taught myself to be financially literate, i taught myself hygiene, I taught myself how to cook and do adult things, I keep myself safe and out of danger, all of that i did myself because she didnt. I've stopped relying on her a long time ago cus thats how I was forced to grow up. Now I am slowly not going back to the south just because I dont feel like i get anything accomplished there, i dont want to be around her, she doesnt go through with everything she says she will do, she is highly unreliable.
Recently, I spoke with my titos and tita and I told them about the whole tracker thing and they were very confused kasi even they acknowledge na matanda na ako and I should be going out and doing things people my age should be doing and experiencing life. Even now, parang hindi ako makapagplano ng solo travel kasi I have to consider kung paano mag rereact mom ko kasi gusto niya kasama siya sa lahat. She allows me to go out and drink with friends pero bigla-bigla may mga random times na bigla siya magagalet kapag trip niya and then later pretend like she didnt just do that. So it puts me in a hard place because of the entire emotional rollercoaster. So now i barely talk to her, I barely share anything with her, I dont even want to go back home for good kasi wala naman na siya paghahawakan sakin eh. She doesn't allow me to make my own mistakes. Partida, kahit kumain ng street pares, sisiraan niya sakin sasabihin niya na karne daw ng pusayung ginagamit dun and wag na ako kakain dun (it's my fave street pares) tapos maya-maya mo, magluluto siya ng pares (I like the street one better).
I want to go no-contact with her until she gets necessary help. I have booked a consultation with a psychiatrist because I have a feeling i've developed some CPTSD from years of being in this situation. I want to go home one last time to get the cremated ashes of my dog, a few clothes, and nothing else more kasi there isnt anything I need from her anymore. I have quite a steep amount of savings and I am willing to work to sustain myself financially. I feel more at peace when I am away from her kasi kapag magkasama kami, she doesnt realize na bastos din yung actions niya towards sakin kasi on normal days, she treats me like her personal assistant. What's holding me back is that she is a flight-risk and baka mabaliw siya lalo cus she is HELLA obsessed with me and Im afraid of what she will do to involve the people in my life, she will tell on me to the family and friends and change the narrative so that I am the bad guy (this is a recurring pattern of hers among many others). I no longer want to have a relationship with her the same way I stopped having a relationship with my father outside of finances. I want to know what I have to do, what can i do? how do i get started with this? should I secure another job first? has anyone gone through this as well?
Please, I just want to get better.

Trigger Warning: SA and Homophobia
Hello. This will be my very first post in this subreddit. Actually, I find myself uncertain of the purpose behind this writing. Perhaps it serves as a channel for me to unravel the complexities of my life while maintaining anonymity.
Let me start by "introducing" myself. I am a 22-year-old college student who remains financially reliant on my parents. Over time, I've perceived my thoughts and perspectives as diverging from the norm, a perception that endures to this day. Despite encountering individuals with shared experiences within the community, I find it challenging to establish meaningful connections—a somewhat unexpected occurrence given my self-awareness as an empath.
It all started when I was really young. I got exposed to concept of sex at a really young age. My memory of it is vague. I was probably around 7 or a couple of years older. A cousin from my father's side has been living with us for several years; he was around 15 when he first came to stay. During one of his visits, two of his older brothers, who were on vacation, also stayed with us. One of them, who was particularly talented in drawing, was studying to be a seminarian. As a child who loved art, I admired him greatly and eagerly anticipated his visits to our home. One day he and the cousin that was living with us invited me to their room while my parents and sister was away. They told me "Tuturuan ka ni Kuya mag drawing if laroan mo to". I'm sure you know where this is going naman na. Both of them were able to convince me to do it to both of them. The reason I mention this because I have become hypersexual and I think this is the main factor. Ever since then, I craved the feeling and became engaged in hook-up culture during grade 7. I did have interest in romance but it never really worked out since I really craved it and I was always seen as dirty and in turn I see myself that way as well.
My family is far from perfect, like any other family, I will not be talking about it here. I will just mention a part of it that is relevant to what I'm trying to convey (whatever that may be to be honest). For context, my father is extremely homophobic and emotionally unavailable. Most of the loving that I receive is from my mommy. Anyways, I have a medical condition that manifested during late high school and got worse in senior during high school. An incident happened at school wherein I had one of the attacks caused by my condition so I needed to be sent home. My mom was unavailable at that time so they had to call my Father. When he came to pick me up from school, he put up a good face sa infirmary nurses and doctors. But when we reached the car. Sobrang galit niya sakin because apparently I inconvenienced him. Our house is far from my school and the entire 30-minute ride home he just kept shouting at me and telling me how much of a burden I am to the family and to him. We arrived and he immediately left. As soon as heard gate close I broke down. I screamed and shouted "I wanna kill myself" our helper was there trying to comfort me. But then my Father came back cause he forgot his wallet and he saw the whole thing. His rage came back. He went straight to the kitchen and took a knife out and pointed it at me. "Sige na ako na gagawa para sayo" our helper dragged me out of the house and into our outhouse and our other helper was there and locked the door and she called my mom. All we heard from there was plates and glass breaking and screams. My mom rushed home and tried to calm my Father down. My mom has long known about my sexuality and she thought the only way he would calm down was telling him about it. And it "worked". The ruckus stopped and I was called to go back. They were all seated sa lounge and he talked to me. Told me these words non-verbatim "Tanggap kita. Pero sana di mo makalimutan kung sino ka. And di mo kalimutaan na alagaan sarili mo. Simula ngayon kailangan mo mag-aral mabuti para yumaman ka kasi mga katulad mo kailangan ng pera para may magmahal sayo. Tingnan mo sina Vice Ganda mayaman kasi sila kaya may nagmamahal. Si Ate mo may magmamahal diyan kasi babae yan. Eh ikaw wala. Kaya tandaan mo yan." So that's basically how I came out to my Father. His words still echo in my mind. Until now, I believe that no one will love me. Damaged goods some would say. I'm ugly, an "adaptive" personality that some perceive to be a flaw, and extremely low self-esteem."
This homophobia from my Father continued throughout and has continued to haunt me. I once brought a male friend over for a sleepover that I asked permission for. He apparently did not know that I brought a guy. He immediately assumed that I was gonna have sex with that guy in my room. He went to my room gun in hand and called me out. Talked to me outside while my friend was inside. Sabi niya sakin "Wala ka na ba respeto sakin sa bahay ko pa talaga? Anong klaseng tao ka na ba talaga? Demonyo ka na ba? Ang dumi-dumi mo na. Pauwiin mo na yan." It was 12 am that time, and I had to ask my friend to leave. I wasn't even allowed to take him home or even walk him to our gate. After he left, my dad sat me on the dinner table and continued his sermon "Ano na ba plano mo sa buhay? May sakit ka na nga tapos ganyan ka pa? Abnormal ka na tao! Hirap mo na nga tawagin na tao! Kailangan mo na bumawi kaya sana naman bumawi ka gumawa ka ng mabuti."
While all of this is happening I have never cried. I have grown used to all of this. Sometimes, in order to cry, I just need to look at rain or listen to something or just sit in silence, or even experience something happy. And for context, I am not a rebellious child. I have always asked for permission, and I do well in school. "Nasa culto ka na ba. Ano na nasa future mo? Ano na gusto mo mangyari? Abnormal ka eh wala na ako makita para sayo? Paano ka na magfufunction. Sa sakit mo palang tapos ganyan ka pa na tao! Ang hirap!" He continued.
Another time is when I was hospitalized for a month, and one night he was the only one available to be my guardian he told me this "If given the choice na sasabihan ako ng doctor na hahayaan ka nalang na mamatay. Papayag ako, mas pipiliin ko mommy mo at sister mo." He told me those words while I was in a hospital bed with tubes and wires attached to me as he held my hand. These are just some examples of the words and memories that echo and are engraved deep in my mind. I titled this post I am abnormal because it is what I believe to be true now. It's how I see now. I think writing this now will help me unpack everything. In any case, I will strive for change because amidst all of it, I really love my mother. No matter how much I hate myself. My love for my mother is what keeps me going. Perhaps in the future, my personal outlook will change. Perhaps, I may find the person I can feel love for and can feel love for me no matter how ugly I am both inside and out. We never really know. So cheers to everyone struggling, I believe that we all have the capacity to thrive in our own ways. As for me, I am on a journey to find my strength for that capacity.
Anway, that was pretty long. I'm sorry I had a lot to say. Thank you for reading this rant/storytime. Advice and Inputs are very much welcome.

Just had I am having I dont know what the fuck it is just over it's not about jee its about everything my life will always collapse within itself and i will never be able toachieve anything in my life madarchod yeh mama kept on snoring in the night I couldn't sleep my head hurts and now some random ass fucking auntie and her child won't let me sleep (her daughter was in her home for a makeover or some shit and my sister and she are friends and she lost some good stuffworth 40k) she came yesterday aur mere mama tak ko dhundhna mein lagaya I was about to sleep at 12pm till 1:30 pm par yeh madarchod aa gaye sone ni diya ab main so ni para sir dard ho raha and even if I manage to sleep I will still end up sleeping at like 3or 4 am advanced 9 am onwards hai it's like always like everytime I can controll nothing people might as well spit in my face behenchod God gifted behen ka loda madarchod randi hu main bas chutiya sala jhant bhar ki jindagi usne ma bap bhai behen sab munh pe antagonistic hain bak bal khatam ni hoti conditionally supportive jab main give up kar chuka tha to sabne kaha padh loda lassan ab main padhna chahta hun to sari bakchodi inki abhi yad ati hai behenchod jhoothe hypocrites moody sale aur main chutiya madarchod kuch ni kar sakta kuch ni there is nothing my life had been fucked my life will be fucked and it will remain fucked I am at the end I cannot motivate myself even further I can do nothing nothing nothing behenchod sari willpower chus gayi hai madarchod madarchod madarchodadarchid madarchod madarchod behenchod how the fuck are people even happy with their lives why don't they just die what's the point what the fuck calm down Kuch ni hora yahan mental breakdown hai and I am not sure if I can recov- Stop stop stop. It's the only chance for me to take over my broken down fucked up psyche and you must not give in to the anxious force the bitch guy within you. Feelings are fucked and they must be burned at an altar. Feel feelings selectively. Many things, many thought patterns that you find yourself in are a result if past trauma, current conditions of your life, and much more. These feelings can lead to one taking drastic steps. The only way to counteract all of this is to give into pure rationality. Giving into pure rationality I must admit that I have no way of quantifying my condition other than mocks and I am too afraid to give mocks, and they will take a lost of time. And speaking logically, the emotional blow from a fucked up performance has a very high of hindering my progress and crippling my motivation, and thus I have convinced myself to forgo mocks. Rationally speaking I must maximize the mocks, but I have mentioned the caveat which lies, what I cannot do is give up. I must study. Keep on studying. Study no matter what. Study however. But study. Work with pen. Watch videos. It doesn't matter. I have to study. I have to give my full efforts, as much as I can. That's the best thing. And the rest of it I have to bet on luck and my mental performance while giving the paper, I have to maximize that. I will not be able to do jackshit in the exams in the time which is left, that's the truth, and in a month you cannot do jackshit either. But I will have to play on the only thing which I have, my mind, i will have to pray and make sure it works in the Advanced, simultaneously I will have to prepare myself emotionally for the blow that will come with the failure, because there are high chances. Then I will have to bludgeon and carry on anyhow. I will have to keep working hard. There is no other way. I will have to go to therapy, by now my mind has completely bifurcated into two personalities, and the bitch pussy crying voice will gave to be cured and dealt with, else it endangers the survival of us both. I will have to stidy. I will have to work hard. I will have to be me. I will have to be rational. I will have to be more emotionally intelligent. I will have to know to select feelings carefully. I will have to be present and hyper aware of everything. The alternative is a very dark path. Well my mind is opting for that alternative because life seems darker. The problem is that I don't feel anything. I am an amalgamation of basic animal instincts of survival and ambition coupled with executive functions and logical side, and I am as much part of myself as the emotional side is. And I see no logical sense to give up, because all the logic is pretty much predicated around survival and increasing entropy of the universal system; and I am a microcosm in my own right, a system of my own and my stability and survival and success is what all the reasoning is fundamentally based on - ergo, dying and giving up is not an option. The emotional side has to be modulated and controlled. I will have to logically induce emotions that will drive me and efficiently deal with and soothe the negative emotions, I will have to validate many scary emotions but at the same time I will have to completely reject, invalidate, ignore, and forcibly stop multiple emotions from festering, which is not healthy for normal people, but I do not lie within the norm if the norm is overall absence of stark dissatisfaction and disillusionment with life. That being said I do not think I am in a position to attempt studying, and it is incredibly hard to determine whether this is the bitch voice or the logical voice speaking. I do not think I will be able to nap either. But I do presume similar conditions will follow me while giving exams because past patterns do not support me being in the best condition while giving exams, and this is the best way to segway to positive emotions. Fuck it I am going to study. I feel tired. Everything is impossible. But I will study. When Thor has to slay Jormungandr he knows he is going to die, but he wields his mighty hammer and accepts his destiny and valiantly fights the great serpent, and dies. I am going to do the same. I know I will fail. I will grieve. I will cry. But not give up. I know cards are stacked up against me. But i will not give up. If I fight against overwhelming odds enough number of times then I will learn to create miracles, and that is a divine power in it's own right. I will learn to create miracles. I will fight against all odds and I might win, or I might lose. But I will keep on struggling, and eventually I will be the miracle maker. What if I fail to make any miracles??? Well, what were the chances that I was born as a dog? Or I was a table? Or I was nothing. My very existence is a miracle and I will create miracle. Humans were fish struggling on land and now they are off to conquer stars!!!!!! This is a miracle!!! Everything was pointless but we kept on struggling!!!! We achieved more than what we could think!!! Why must I give up!!!! Fuck it guys let me overdose myself with caffine and start studying the fuck. Imma do organic revision and pyqs. Organic ke behenchod sare 20 sal ke paper aaj hi nipta dunga madarchod ab bolo koi mock mock (I know it's not possible, but what did I say??) Ya fir definite. Aod. Rotation. Kuch nahi padhunga lekin padhunga aur is bhakalnde behen ke lode exhausted ass state mein padhunga ma chod dunga jindagi ki behen ki chut. Bollo bhagwati maiyaaa ki jai!!!

Nagliligpit ako ng mga bags ni mama sa loob ng closet nya tas may nakapa akong naka plastic envelope, sa loob nun may white envelope pa na naglalaman ng 115k + coins. Last year may nadiscover ako na 100k din sa closet nya na nasa kwarto ko, nahulog yon sa paanan ko nung naghahalungkat ako ng damit nya na hihiramin pero di ko pinaalam sa kanya na nalaman ko na may ganun syang amount, nagamit yun nung naospital sya pero kulang pa.
Ngayon, di lang 115k ang nakita ko, may mga jewelries din like pandora and swarovski na sure ako niregalo sa kanya ng ate ko nungnagbakasyon sila ni papa sa Australia. Yung pera di na ko magtataka alam ko gano kasinop si mama sa pag iipon lalo nung nagttrabaho pa sya at may pagka kuripot talaga, ewan bakit ngayon ko lang nakita o bat ngayon lang yun nagpakita.
Tbh ayoko muna sabihin kay papa lalong lalo na kay ate kasi siguradong sasabihin nya na ilagay ko yon sa savings account nya tulad nung nakuha ko burial ni mama, basta una kong gagawin babayaran yung inutang namin nung naospital sya 2 months ago, then magtatabi para sa pa opera ng cataract ni papa. Iirc kaya hindi un tinabi ni mama sa banko kasi may sinabi sya na ayaw nya na makukuha namin savings nya ng pahirapan kung meron daw syang natatabi, kaya i feel so emotional rn kasi parang nagpapahiwatig sya.
Ma, don't worry. Iipunin ko yung matitira at dadagdagan ko pa, sa ngayon babawasan ko muna para sa pangangailangan namin. Ung jewelries mo i'll keep it. Thank you kasi di mo kami pinapabayaan 💔 Happy Mother's Day. I miss you and I love you so much 🥰