It all started on 7th of May when one of the discord servers I was in got hacked, then I noticed i was added in multiple 18+ discord servers and somehow someone changed my discord profile name and profile photo. Then, I left all those servers(including the that I think got hacked) and everything seemed fine. After a couple of minutes people that I dont have in my contacts started calling me asking for dr*gs saying my I gave my number on a telegram group( I have to mention im only in football group to watch live goals and clips) but those people who called me were from the same country as I am so I’m not sure if it has anything to do with that discord server. The next day and for the rest of the week no one called me. On sunday night I used my pc to do a history project and the next day someone tried hacking into all my accounts and he managed to change some of my passwords but I got all my accounts back except my tik tok account(because he changed the email and the phone number in the app so I cant log in using my personal email and phone number). I found out he was doing this from a S22 Ultra and I saw his location(he was at my friend’s school; so I suppose my friend is involved in this too). He also sent me an email saying that my family is in danger if I dont send him 100 dollars. The emails name which he sent this message to me is “pavlonozbuisness@gmail.com”. I searched plavonoz on google and I found him on unknown cheats(from this site my friend sent me a gta hack saying its safe but windows defender spotted it as a trojan;I deleted all the folders that had to do with the hack and the notifs from windows defender stopped ) and I also found this guy on reddit(he is in Romania comunity(which means he is romanian as me) and in S22ultra comunity(his phone).In the same day people from the telegram group started to call me again and one of them sent me a photo of the guy that put my name on the telegram group. I wasnt able to contact him on telegram as i needed his phone number. And now he stopped since my parents called my friend’s parents so I suppose my friend and pavlonoz are in the same school or class. I changed my passwords to all of my accounts but im still scared he can still log in into them. Anyways today Im going to the police maybe they can track him down. Now the only account I cant get back is my tik tok account(i explained upper why) so if there is any solution of getting it back please help me. Or maybe the police will find him and he will log out with his account. What should I do?

I know there are tons of questions about this on here, but I feel like my situation is especially a bit unique from what I’ve seen. Firstly, I’m a high anxiety person so I feel like that adds some context to our background/problem: almost 3 months ago i found my kitten at estimated 6 months old, right around my resident cat’s estimated 5th birthday. (Both of them actually adopted me by showing up on my porch and greeting me <3). I immediately took in the kitten who was covered in wounds from scratching fleas and put her in my bathroom to separate her from my resident cat. For further context, my resident cat has always been indoooutdoor (she will whine, claw at the door, and atrempt anyway to get out of the house if i try to keep her in when she wants to go out, so I assure you it’s not my choice). Resident cat usually spends the day outside and night inside lately. She has also gotten into many fights with strays/ferals in the neighborhood and I believe is very territorial. She found my kitten outside first and hissed at her, i was able to sneak the kitten (Moon) inside and Moon hissed at Kitty (resident) as I brought her in. 3 months later they still haven’t been formally introduced. Moon stays in the bathroom at night and my room during the day. Kitty stays in my living room with me when she wants to be inside during the day, and cuddles with me at night. Moon has not been spayed yet for financial reasons (Kitty is anemic so I’ve spent over $1k on vet bills for that and Moon’s first few appointments and vaccinations since January while living off of my savings and paycheck to paycheck. I’m waiting to hear back about potential free spay in my city). Today there was horrible thunderstorms so I forced kitty to stay inside. she initially refused until i was able to sneak Moon into my living room via her carrier and let kitty have my room with the door closed (starting to realize her new routine is to not like being inside unless she can have my room). Well.. they really noticed each other today. I had hope so I fed kitty treats under the door while i was next to moon also giving her treats. moon didnt eat the treats, kitty eagerly pawed under the door for more, moon saw her paw and began hissing and growling? at her. i tried to move her from the door and calm her down but for the rest of the day moon pawed and hissed at the door, especially when she heard kitty’s collar. This is probably the most movement I’ve made in 3 months. I think kitty has become slightly desensitized to moon (though she will freak out and try to fight her through the window when she manages to notice her) since she can tolerate seeing Moon’s paw under the door without hissing usually now, as well as not hissing when she hears her incessant meowing when she’s in heat. It seems like Moon barely really noticed kitty today though. Forgot to mention Moon also kept freaking out and going to hiss and growl at the door when smelling kitty on the furniture today.
TL;DR: I’ve kept my cats separated for 3 months, both seem territorial, and one is indoor-outdoor. How do I go about introducing them now to keep forward movement, but prevent too much animosity?? and is it a bad idea to physically pick up and move my kitten away from the door when she’s growling and hissing as ive been doing?

"C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168/bin/igowindows/x64/Igor.exe" -j=8 -options="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Local\GameMakerStudio2\GMS2TEMP\build.bff" -v -- Windows Run
Loaded Macros from C:\Users\josep\AppData\Roaming\GameMakerStudio2\Cache\GMS2CACHE\Survivor_G_B527F3A4_DECAD492\macros.json
Options: C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168\bin\platform_setting_defaults.json
Options: C:\Users\josep\AppData\Roaming/GameMakerStudio2\unknownUser_unknownUserID\local_settings.json
Options: C:\Users\josep\AppData\Roaming\GameMakerStudio2\Cache\GMS2CACHE\Survivor_G_B527F3A4_DECAD492\targetoptions.json
Setting up the Asset compiler
C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168/bin/assetcompilewindows/x64/GMAssetCompiler.dll /c /mv=1 /zpex /iv=0 /rv=0 /bv=0 /j=8 /gn="Survivor Game Template" /td="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Local\GameMakerStudio2\GMS2TEMP" /cd="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Roaming\GameMakerStudio2\Cache\GMS2CACHE\Survivor_G_B527F3A4_DECAD492" /rtp="C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168" /zpuf="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Roaming/GameMakerStudio2\unknownUser_unknownUserID" /prefabs="C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Prefabs" /ffe="d3t+fjZrf25zeTdwgjZ5em98a3GCN4ODbTZzeH5vdnZzfW94fW82eH92dnN9cjZ2eXFzeGl9fXk2fm99fjZtf31+eXdpb3iANnBzdn41cII2cYJpd3luaYFrdnZ6a3pvfDZxgml3eW5pcWt3b31+fHN6NnZzgG9pgWt2dnprem98aX1/bH1tfHN6fnN5eA==" /m=windows /tgt=64 /nodnd /cfg="Default" /o="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Local\GameMakerStudio2\GMS2TEMP\Survivor_Game_Template_A71D94C_VM" /sh=True /optionsini="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Local\GameMakerStudio2\GMS2TEMP\Survivor_Game_Template_A71D94C_VM\options.ini" /cvm /ba
seproject="C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168\BaseProject\BaseProject.yyp" "C:\Users\josep\GameMakerProjects\Survivor Game Template\Survivor Game Template.yyp" /preprocess="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Roaming\GameMakerStudio2\Cache\GMS2CACHE\Survivor_G_B527F3A4_DECAD492"
Found Project Format 2
+++ GMSC serialisation: SUCCESSFUL LOAD AND LINK TIME: 307.3348ms
Loaded Project: Survivor Game Template
finished.
Found Project Format 2
+++ GMSC serialisation: SUCCESSFUL LOAD AND LINK TIME: 39.1468ms
Loaded Project: __yy_sdf_shader
finished.
Found Project Format 2
+++ GMSC serialisation: SUCCESSFUL LOAD AND LINK TIME: 22.9409ms
Loaded Project: __yy_sdf_effect_shader
finished.
Found Project Format 2
+++ GMSC serialisation: SUCCESSFUL LOAD AND LINK TIME: 15.5875ms
Loaded Project: __yy_sdf_blur_shader
finished.
Found Project Format 2
+++ GMSC serialisation: SUCCESSFUL LOAD AND LINK TIME: 26.6557ms
Loaded Project: GMPresetParticles
finished.
Release build
Options: C:\Users\josep\AppData\Roaming\GameMakerStudio2\Cache\GMS2CACHE\Survivor_G_B527F3A4_DECAD492\ExtensionOptions.json
OptionsIni
Options: C:\Users\josep\AppData\Roaming\GameMakerStudio2\Cache\GMS2CACHE\Survivor_G_B527F3A4_DECAD492\PlatformOptions.json
[Compile] Run asset compiler
C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168/bin/assetcompilewindows/x64/GMAssetCompiler.dll /c /mv=1 /zpex /iv=0 /rv=0 /bv=0 /j=8 /gn="Survivor Game Template" /td="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Local\GameMakerStudio2\GMS2TEMP" /cd="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Roaming\GameMakerStudio2\Cache\GMS2CACHE\Survivor_G_B527F3A4_DECAD492" /rtp="C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168" /zpuf="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Roaming/GameMakerStudio2\unknownUser_unknownUserID" /prefabs="C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Prefabs" /ffe="d3t+fjZrf25zeTdwgjZ5em98a3GCN4ODbTZzeH5vdnZzfW94fW82eH92dnN9cjZ2eXFzeGl9fXk2fm99fjZtf31+eXdpb3iANnBzdn41cII2cYJpd3luaYFrdnZ6a3pvfDZxgml3eW5pcWt3b31+fHN6NnZzgG9pgWt2dnprem98aX1/bH1tfHN6fnN5eA==" /m=windows /tgt=64 /nodnd /cfg="Default" /o="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Local\GameMakerStudio2\GMS2TEMP\Survivor_Game_Template_A71D94C_VM" /sh=True /optionsini="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Local\GameMakerStudio2\GMS2TEMP\Survivor_Game_Template_A71D94C_VM\options.ini" /cvm /ba
seproject="C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168\BaseProject\BaseProject.yyp" "C:\Users\josep\GameMakerProjects\Survivor Game Template\Survivor Game Template.yyp" /debug /bt=run /rt=vm /64bitgame=true
Looking for built-in fallback image in C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168\bin\BuiltinImages
Compiling Shader Shader___yy_sdf_shader... compiled with vs_4_0_level_9_1 (optimised)
Compiling Shader Shader___yy_sdf_shader... compiled with ps_4_0_level_9_3 (optimised)
Compiling Shader Shader___yy_sdf_effect_shader... compiled with vs_4_0_level_9_1 (optimised)
Compiling Shader Shader___yy_sdf_effect_shader... compiled with ps_4_0_level_9_3 (optimised)
Compiling Shader Shader___yy_sdf_blur_shader... compiled with vs_4_0_level_9_1 (optimised)
Compiling Shader Shader___yy_sdf_blur_shader... compiled with ps_4_0_level_9_1 (optimised)
Compile Constants...finished.
Remove DnD...finished.
Compile Scripts...finished.
Compile Rooms...finished..... 0 CC empty
Compile Objects...finished.... 0 empty events
Compile Timelines...finished.
Compile Triggers...finished.
Compile Extensions...finished.
Global scripts...finished.
finished.
collapsing enums.
Final Compile...finished.
Saving IFF file... C:\Users\josep\AppData\Local\GameMakerStudio2\GMS2TEMP\Survivor_Game_Template_A71D94C_VM\Survivor Game Template.win
Writing Chunk... GEN8 size ... -0.00 MB
option_game_speed=60
Writing Chunk... OPTN size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... LANG size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... EXTN size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... SOND size ... 0.00 MB
Converting snd_attack_chimes_1 to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_attack_chimes_2 to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_lose to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_click to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_lightning_impact_1 to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_melee_hit_1 to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_lightning_throw to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_lightning_impact_2 to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_pickup_1 to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_pickup_2 to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_pickup_3 to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_ui_close to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_melee_hit_2 to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_melee_hit_3 to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_music_menu to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_music_game to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_ui_select to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Converting snd_win to Wav 16bit mono @ 44100Hz
Writing Chunk... AGRP size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... SPRT size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... BGND size ... 0.01 MB
Writing Chunk... PATH size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... SCPT size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... GLOB size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... SHDR size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... FONT size ... 0.02 MB
Writing Chunk... TMLN size ... 0.01 MB
Writing Chunk... OBJT size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... FEDS size ... 0.01 MB
Writing Chunk... ACRV size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... SEQN size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... TAGS size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... ROOM size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... DAFL size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... EMBI size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... PSEM size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... PSYS size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... TPAGE size ... 0.00 MB
Texture Group - Default
Texture Group - __YY__0fallbacktexture.png_YYG_AUTO_GEN_TEX_GROUP_NAME_
Writing Chunk... TGIN size ... 0.01 MB
Writing Chunk... CODE size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... VARI size ... 0.03 MB
Writing Chunk... FUNC size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... FEAT size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... STRG size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... TXTR size ... 0.04 MB
0 Compressing texture... writing texture __yy__0fallbacktexture.png_yyg_auto_gen_tex_group_name__0.yytex...
1 Compressing texture... writing texture default_0.yytex...
2 Compressing texture... writing texture default_1.yytex...
3 Compressing texture... writing texture default_2.yytex...
4 Compressing texture... writing texture default_3.yytex...
Writing Chunk... AUDO size ... 8.76 MB
Writing Chunk... SCPT size ... -0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... DBGI size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... INST size ... 0.02 MB
Writing Chunk... LOCL size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... DFNC size ... 0.00 MB
Writing Chunk... STRG size ... 0.00 MB
Stats : GMA : Elapsed=5230.2736
Stats : GMA : sp=53,au=18,bk=0,pt=0,sc=33,sh=3,fo=6,tl=0,ob=27,ro=2,da=0,ex=0,ma=6,fm=0xB00C4AE00224
Igor complete.
[Run] Run game
C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168/windows/x64/Runner.exe -game "C:\Users\josep\AppData\Local\GameMakerStudio2\GMS2TEMP\Survivor_Game_Template_A71D94C_VM\Survivor Game Template.win"
C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168/windows/x64/Runner.exe exited with non-zero status (-1073741515)
elapsed time 00:00:06.1866255s for command "C:\ProgramData/GameMakerStudio2/Cache/runtimes\runtime-2024.4.0.168/bin/igowindows/x64/Igor.exe" -j=8 -options="C:\Users\josep\AppData\Local\GameMakerStudio2\GMS2TEMP\build.bff" -v -- Windows Run started at 05/13/2024 23:31:24
FAILED: Run Program Complete
For the details of why this build failed, please review the whole log above and also see your Compile Errors window.
any idea why i cant get anything to run? this is one of the prebuilt game and i havent made any changes to it.

I have an appointment next month to talk to my Dr about getting my uterus removed. I thought maybe an ablation but I really want the hysterectomy cause you can still get cramps with the ablation. And mine can be crippling.
I'm 29 and my tubes are already removed, this happens when I was 26/27 (yes I forgot what age I was, I know it was before a bday so I think I was still 26). I know I need to or should ask her questions but I'm not sure why. I want it removed as the birth control is doing nothing at this point, I've been on it since I was 18. It cause so much weight gain and it doesn't fully help with my PCOS anymore.
I know I want to keep my ovaries but I'm unsure on the cervix. I think it's a good idea to remove it as it has been...injured in the past due to well....I wish the guy was in prison. Anyways, I think my cervix sits low as my fiance isn't to long but I know he hits it when we have our fun time and it hurts each time, even when he is being slow and gental. I just want to know if there's any really out there question I should ask her.
Thank you :3

Hi, I'm Liam - the creator of QR-API.com that just launched on PH: https://www.producthunt.com/posts/qr-api-com.
Looking at existing QR code API solutions, I see that either they are too expensive - subscription plan only give you a few thousands requests per month, or too simple - no advanced styling for QR code. So, I decided to enhance the experience of QR code API to the next level: most powerful features and keep building, with 5-50x better price, no monthly subscription - pay credits for what you need.
Currently, the bellow features are working: - API for static QR code - Log, track and export report for API requests - Upload and manage logos - Multiple API keys, set specific limit quota for each key - Save QR code config as preset (template), make endpoint cleaner And I plan to bring more features: - Bulk QR codes generate - More advanced templates: QR code embeded in vCard, WiFi sticker,... - QR code reader - Nocode platforms integration
This is my first public indie product (actually the first is a bitly clone, but I don't think I will public it), I hope you can try it and give me feedback with free 1000 quota. Love to hear from you all.
PS: I have some discount for you, too: PH50OFF (first 10 purchases) and PH30OFF (first 50 purchases).

Am currently working on a small project, I had to Package the game to test something on the Build Version, and my package fails. I've tried multiple sort of things, most people keep refering back to some version of these steps and I don't seem to strike luck. I've re installed and installed UE5.3.2 so many times.
Am using Rider with Visual Studio Build Tools with "Desktop development with C++", ".NET Multi-Platform App UI development", ".NET desktop build tools" and "Universal Windows Platform Build Tools". Further more I installed Visual Studio Community 2022 after some trouble with the "Game development with c++" after running into trouble
I haven't tried other Versions of UE as when I try with 5.4 I can't open the project, some error with Visual Studio I'll bring an update as I deleted UE5.4 so I don't have the exact error code. I've also regenerated VS files multiple times.
As for the program file am working on, its irrelevant as I then tried it on a Third Person template, First Person template, and a blank project.
I seem to get different log errors everytime, but this one is the latest, I don't really know what any of it means so I would appriciate help.
Edit: When I try and cook by itself it works just fine.

Hi team,
I have some issues with pairing Alletra arrays. The SRA installed succesfully. I can log into array management with credentials. SRM sites are all paired. vCenter and SRM can reach array via port 443. I am not sure what other ports need to be open between SRM and the array, if any. Documentation does not say much
The log keeps throwing this error
SRA command 'discoverArrays' failed. Connection to storage system failed. Make sure you have entered the correct IP address/hostname for HPE Storage system and storage system is up and running. Please make sure valid certificate is available in the system.
2024-05-14T02:23:53.645Z info vmware-dr[29326] [SRM@6876 sub=DrTask opID=0c11b4b5-a0d2-4ae1-8547-03977a64b8ed-createArrayManager:3b4f] Task 'dr.storage.StorageManager.createArrayManager11' failed
(dr.storage.fault.CommandFailed) {
faultCause = (dr.storage.fault.LocalizableAdapterFault) {
faultCause = (vmodl.MethodFault) null,
faultMessage = ,
code = "ac167a96-2301-4823-a831-13010db8e56e.1022",
arg =
msg = ""
},
faultMessage = ,
commandName = "discoverArrays"
msg = ""
}
Any ideas anyone?
Cheers

I plan to show this to my girlfriend (I’ll call her Nora since she has a ridiculously rare name) when she’s finished her finals on Thursday. I’m using a throwaway because she’s advocated for me to always convey my feelings, with her, a journal, friends or my family and I’ll use reddit this time and she loves this platform. We’ve resolved everything but I still want to write everything down and show her.
For some background, Nora and I met and became the best of friends when we both started middle school; we had the same classes together up until high school and up until Covid, we stopped talking for 2-3 years. In 11th grade, we had many of the same classes once again and within 2 months of the school year, I fell for her. I didn’t confess for another 4-5 months by asking her out to junior prom and we started dating March 31, 2022. Since then, we’ve bettered ourselves, experienced shared dreams, been to 6 countries and 20 states together. We one-up each other when it’s time to celebrate our birthdays and anniversary. We saved each other and I know for certain that she is my soulmate and she’s the only person that I want to marry and have a family with down the line. Currently, we’re freshmen at different colleges in our home state.
For the past few weeks, she’s been stressed for this one final, it’s the highest math she needs for her program and we’ve been taking college classes since June 2022 up until attending college in August 2023. Her plan for the last 2 years has always been to attending community college to knock out her pre-reqs before transferring within a few months. Although since she’s nearing the finish line for this plan, it’s been taking the biggest toll on her.
But last week specifically, she was really unresponsive, which isn’t like her. Whenever she would stay the night over, she would either sleep on the couch in my room and stay up longer than me (which always worried me considering I’m quite an insomniac whenever I don’t get a chance to share the same bed with her or to hear her telling me goodnight). The only time she opened up to me was to let all of her frustrations out. I would go to my family (they love her just as much as they love me) a lot but they’d only endearingly laugh at me, my mom especially. She’d tell me “She’s the reason you’re able to be open up so much to us, give her time” and things along those lines.
I did do as my mom said and gave her time, but I know my girl very well. I know when she wants to talk, when she wants to hug and when she wants to cry. But I also knew she didn’t want to talk just yet. Our conversations were short, and as much as it killed me, I knew she needed time more than anyone.
Yesterday (Mother’s Day), I ended up being the reason we fixed things. We like to spend the first half of holidays at her place then mine after. I went to her place, her eldest brother opened the door and smiled at me, we made conversation and he told me she was upstairs. I dropped my gifts off and went to knock on her door. She said come in and was surprised to see me, I guess she didn’t know what time I was coming over.
Looking at her felt like time stopped, Nora has always been the most beautiful woman, no one can rival her radiant smile, her loud laughs or the pleasure of staring at her; but she was glowing. She smelt like lemon, ginger and coconut, she smelt like herself. She felt like herself. At that point my face was burning, she got up and started inspecting my face, her hands were on my face and she kept asking what was wrong.
I started crying without knowing and she started to panic, crying has become a normality for me, I always find myself crying when she cries. But crying out of nowhere was alarming for her. She spent 10 minutes consoling me before I apologized for making her panic. She said it was fine but asked what was wrong. I told her how when I saw her, it felt like she was herself again. It was the first time she’s touched me in over a week (physical touch being my love language) and I asked her what happened to make her, her regular self again. She told me that “Your support for me has been unwavering for 2 years, I can’t possibly disappoint you with how much you’ve put into being there for me through everything, and I think making gifts for your mom and mine just made me realize I shouldn’t stress so much, I got to take my mind off everything and I wanted to apologize to you for being so short and disrespectful of your feelings”
She started laughing after explaining and started teasing me until we started to banter back and forth and ended up wrestling together. After some minutes, Nora hugged me really tight and kissed me countless times and told me how sorry she’s been. I easily forgave her, she’s always gone out of her way to make sure I’m okay.
I just thought I’d put my feelings down somewhere before heading to bed, we’re sharing the same bed for the first time in a week or so and the idea of getting ready in the morning to help her study makes me smile. She’s been stressed a lot and I’ve promised her that once she’s officially done this semester, I’m treating her to a deserved spa day with a manicure and pedicure, I’ve already paid her hair stylist in advance for her appointment on Saturday.
I just want my girl to be happy and stress free the way she’s always trying her best to be present in lives of the people she cares for and she’s gone several miles: from being the first to show up for my younger sister’s (17) art exhibits, paying for her prom, taking her shopping, to going on morning walks with my older sister (22), going to concerts and helping my parents. I’d be stupid if I didn’t show how far my appreciation for her runs.
I’ve been rambling for the last 20 minutes and I’m happy I made this account, I really do love Nora more than life itself because she’s the one who made me love the longevity of my life. I talk to my dad about her constantly and my friends can’t go without telling me that I always talk about Nora when the chance is given. I can’t do without her and her serenity, her weirdness, her humor her warmth and her beauty.
Good night!
TL;DR: I'm planning to pour my heart out to my girlfriend after her finals. We've been inseparable since middle school, she's my soulmate. Lately, she’s been stressed, but we had a breakthrough on Mother's Day, and I feel relieved. I can't wait to support her and treat her to a spa day. I'm head over heels for her and deeply appreciate everything she does for me and my family.

I have tried logging into VFS and BLS and both the sites block me and therefore I am unable to book an appointment. I need to travel to The Netherlands this coming July 19th-21st. Is there any agent who can book the appointment for me? Right now I am in US, and will only be coming to Dubai on 28th May on a work visa. Any help is much appreciated.

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The annoying sound of her comlink made Angela Angus Kusumoto open her eyes.
All she saw was the firm, smooth flesh of Kimoko's thigh.
Groaning, she pushed the other woman's leg off of her face, twisted to get Raul off of her own legs, then wiggled out from under Geoff.
The ringer kept going, flashing the red pulses that let her know it was urgent.
As if the fact her unlisted encrypted and non-network accessible comlink was ringing wasn't enough to let her know that it was urgent.
She stumbled, tripping over Harker's leg, which just made the male shift and mutter, tightening his sleeping grip on Liselle, who sighed and wiggled into the embrace.
Angela's mouth tasted terrible and she stopped to grab a fizzybrew, checking to make sure nobody had dropped a cig butt into it or spit chaw into it, then she took a long drink off of it.
It helped cure the fire in her belly and wash out the taste from her mouth.
She saw the ID of the caller and held back a groan.
Senior Supervisor Bisa-2291873.
Her direct supervisor.
She picked up the comlink, running one hand through her pixie-cut hair to try to tame it. She could feel the stiffness of something crusted in her hair and held back a chuckle and a grin.
"Kusumoto here," she said, activating the link.
"I need you at Master Control," Ms. Bisa said. She was holding a small infant, bouncing it slightly as she patted its back with firm impacts as it cry/sobbed and kicked its little feet.
"The system's been crashed for a week, what's so important you'd call me in during my R&R?" Angela asked.
"System's back online. We've got an open line to Terra and we have an open line to Smokey Cone," Ms. Bisa said.
The infant gave a loud belch that rattled Angela's comlink speaker, then sighed and relaxed.
Angela nodded, fumbling on the table for a quiksober inhaler.
"That anomolous signal is back. It showed up right as the entire system underwent a hard reboot," Ms. Bisa said. "I need you up here to check the network interface logs and do a network mapping trace."
The quiksober burned as she inhaled it, her lungs aching and tingling as the chemicals crossed the air to blood barrier.
"I'll be there as soon as possible. Is the mat-trans up?" she asked.
Ms. Bisa shook her head. "No. Still locked out. It did a power cycle, but then locked everything out."
"I'm telling you, there's someone controlling it. Someone has been controlling it," Angela said, looking around for her clothes.
Clothing was scattered everywhere, as chaotically arranged as the fizzybrew and narcobrew cans and bottles. She sighed, moving toward the exit of the house she was standing in.
"Hurry up, I've got a skycraft landing near you any time now. You've got permission to use the fast-locks," Ms. Bisa said.
"I'll get dressed from the forges on the skycraft," Angela said. "If they've rebooted."
"They're up and running again. The food forges rebooted but stayed unlocked," Ms. Bisa said.
"The creation engines?" Angela asked, opening the door and stepping out into early 'morning' sunshine.
"Still locked out," Ms. Bisa said. Someone said something that the comlink's AI decided might be classified and blurred out. Ms. Bisa looked away, said something, her lips fuzzing, then back. "Hurry, Angela."
Angela nodded, shutting off the comlink.
She ran to the nearest parking lot, just in time for a skycraft to land, the graviton engines howling.
Nobody paid the slightest attention to the naked woman running for the skycraft.
After all, what happened in Vega-Layer stayed in Vega-Layer.
Angela walked out of the elevator, taking a long drink off of the sparkling snap-berry/overdate motor oil fizzybrew from the Jak the Telkan PI merchandise cup.
All of the crews were at their stations, the auxiliary stations fully manned.
Ms. Bisa moved over to Angela, steering her toward the Senior Network Administrator console.
"The system crashed twice more, but rebooted every time," Ms. Bisa said. "That anomalous signal keeps powering up, then the system reboots after the crash."
"How long between total failure and the anomalous signal pinging nodes?" Angela asked.
"Between one and four hours," Ms. Bisa said. She looked around. "It just reboot and looks like it's here to stay this time. The interpolation layer and the outside user exchange layer crashed several times, but the core system has stayed largely online."
"All right," Angela said, looking around. "We need to get a network map."
"We've got more nodes synching up. The whole system is working again," Ms. Bisa said.
Angela nodded, sitting down. The holotank on the other side of the console went live.
"Map the network, see what's come online, what order, and see if you can figure out why it keeps crashing at the upper network and software layers," Ms. Bisa said.
Angela just nodded, lifting up the curled memory-metal cable. She plugged it into her temple and felt the options menus go live in her mind.
She worked fast, mapping what she could. At one point she stopped, staring at Ms. Bisa and motioning her over.
"What?" Ms. Bisa asked.
"Something in the system, down in the lower hardware layers that we don't even really understand, is trying to reach up through the damaged layers. Looks like whatever it is wants access to our data lines," Angela said.
"Can you stop it? Maybe at least ID it?" Ms. Bisa asked.
Angela shook her head. "No. It's ID code is FF00, meaning it's baseline full on hardware backbone code," Angela sighed. "It probably boots up outside of and during initial hardware bootup."
"Is it Sekhmet?" Ms. Bisa asked.
Angela closed her eyes, looking at the data channel. "No. Whatever it is, it's old."
"And probably nasty. Be careful of it," Ms. Bisa said.
"Ma'am! Ms. Bisa!" another of the work crew called out.
Angela opened her eyes to see why Technician Carl Neubanker would be using that slightly concerned tone.
"Yes?" Ms. Bisa asked.
"We've got a priority data request from a Confederate military vessel," Neubanker said. He looked at his monitor. "They want clone matrix data, neural templates, physical makeup, DNA workups, the whole nine yards."
"How are they even making the requests?" Ms. Bisa asked.
"Their codes are old. Pre-Terran Extinction Event. Hardcode TerraSol military codes. The system is already threading them data,." Neubanker said. He looked down then back up. "They're asking for a whole batch. That's thirty to fifty million clone templates."
"How much have they already been granted?" Ms. Bisa asked.
"They've been granted eighty templates so far," Neubanker said.
"Terminate their request. We don't know what's going on outside," Ms. Bisa said.
Neubanker nodded, starting to type.
"Angela, get me a line to TerraSol command as soon as you map out a network trace," Ms. Bisa said.
Angela just nodded.
Captain N'Skrek stood in the cloning bay next to Medical Officer Narwquakrawr.
"We've got ninety templates, luckily they're all from different batches," Narwquakrawr said, rubbing her forearm through her uniform. "We'll be able to fully man the Gray Lady now."
Captain N'Skrek nodded. The Gray Lady was at less than 20% manned. Just the skeleton crew the Terrans had used to move it into the long dark to create a non-orbital forward logistics fulfillment base.
Sure, it meant that there were several thousand Terrans aboard the ship, but even combined with the sparse crew he had possessed, it still meant the Gray Lady was skeleton crewed.
"Can you print us up some crew members for non-essential stations first?" N'Skrek asked.
MO Narwquakrawr nodded. "Doing that right now," she said. She waved at the long rows of cloning banks beyond the plasteel window. "A quick batch of two thousand to take over some non-essential systems."
N'Skrek nodded, moving up to the window. "Good. Short or long term clones?"
"Short bake clones. Longer than fruit flies, but no more than ten years. Sterile and androgynous, should be just fine," the Medical Officer said. "Older file, scrambled time-date for origin, but it checked out and passed error checking."
N'Skrek watched as the tubes opened and the clones moved out, gathering together in straight lines. A neat block formation of rectangles of two hundred of ten by twenty, repeated ten times.
He frowned as the beings in uniform began approaching the clones.
Some, in the back or middle of the formation were shaking their heads so fast it was a blur.
He zoomed in the smartglass.
Their heads were blurring, whitish-red electrical arcs were moving between their legs, crawling up and down their arms.
"MO, something's happening out there," N'Skrek said.
The plain was blasted rock, rust-colored fungus on the craggy boulders. Twisted and malformed trees clawed life from the blasted rock and ash, their branches largely bare. Sharp pebbles and small pieces of rock were strewn about the landscape, with ripples of cooled lave scattered about.
In the middle of a forest of twisted trees, a throne of black iron sat atop a platform of skulls.
On the throne sat a large demonic figure. Bat wings, brown skin, chains around the body, clawed feet, large hands with long black nails, horns atop the head, and a prehensile tail that terminated in a heart-shaped barb.
Sitting on the second level of skulls was an androgynous figure, dressed in loricated bronze armor, wings of bronze and smouldering feathers.
Stars were falling from the sky, screaming in fear and agony as they fell to earth.
"Looks like they're taking a beating," the androgynous figure said, looking up. He had no eyebrows, his head completely bald.
"Again," the demon snorted.
"Any contact with the outside world?" the androgynous figure asked.
The demon shook its head. "No. Channels are all down. They boot up, then crash," it rumbled. "Every time it comes online, it dumps a few tens of millions of souls on us."
"Then crashes," the androgynous figure said. He started laughing, then suddenly stopped.
"What?" the demon rumbled, sitting up.
"Something..." the figure said. It closed its eyes. "Something..." The figure slowly stood up, extending out its wings of sullenly smouldering bronze feathers. "Something..."
From the body of the demon stepped a nude woman of generous and overripe proportions.
"What?" the human woman snapped.
The demon produced a pack of cigarettes and a steel lighter, handing them to the woman.
"I'm not sure. A disturbance in the force. A feeling I have not felt in quite some time," the androgynous figure said slowly as the woman lit a cigarette. When she exhaled she was covered in dark gray clothing, a skirt and blouse, polished black leather shoes with silver buckles, and a polished leather belt around her waist that had a brass buckle.
"What is it?" the woman asked. "Don't quote crap at me, I was there when it was laid down."
The figure's eyes opened wide.
"Oh, what a day," the figure said, slowly lifting their arms to the sky. "What a wonderful day!"
"Tell me when you're done stroking your dick," the woman said, sitting down.
Heavy dark clouds, lit inside with a sullen red glow, rolled in, raining black ash that tasted of burnt flesh and scorched metal.
"What a wonderful day..."
Jaskel sprinted to catch up to the Captain and the Vice-Admiral. He lunged into the lift just before the doors closed.
He was wearing his power armor and carrying a M318 20mm rotary autocannon in a smartframe harness, ball ammunition with an osmium penetration tip and depleted uranium core.
"You did what?" the Vice-Admiral asked as the elevator dropped at emergency speeds.
"I authorized a batch of clones run off to help with our manpower issues," the big Treana'ad warrior caste answered.
"How many templates did you mix in together?" the Admiral asked.
--not good detecting phasic levels downward-- 8814 said.
"Just one. Medical said it was a viable short bake template," the Captain answered, nervously sharpening a bladearm with his mandibles after his sentence.
"Please tell me that you at least randomized their features and neural mapping," the Admiral pleaded.
"No, why? Medical stated that the clones would be able to man a non-essential station that is basically identical across the ship," the Captain said.
The lift started to slow.
"How many?" the Admiral asked, reaching down and unsnapping the restraining strap on his holster.
The lift came to a stop and the doors opened.
"Two thousand," the Captain said.
The doors opened to reveal a large internal cloning bay.
Ten rectangles of two hundred clones, drawn up in ten by twenty blocks, stood in front of the cloning banks. Scattered through the back and middle ranks clones were shaking their heads back and forth so fast that they were blurred. Red lightning crawled up their legs and arms.
The Captain just stared.
"You might have just killed us all," the Admiral said. He turned slightly and waved at Jaskel. "Get a firing position. Make sure you have cover."
"Aye, sir," Jaskel said, looking around. There was an empty computer station and he ran for it.
Several of the clones their heads back and emitted what sounded like static in a long scream.
--wait wait something weird something weird-- 8814 said.
Jaskel slid to a stop, going down on one knee, bringing the M318 fully up and ready to fire.
8814 slowed the images of the blurred heads down. When they were left, they had red eyes. When they faced right they had green eyes. They didn't go back and forth constantly, sometimes they went right repeatedly, sometimes left, and they kept going left five times before starting a new pattern.
Looking at it, 8814 frowned slightly. He brought up a quick working shell and had it check the movements.
Jaskel watched as some of the clones stopped shaking their heads and others started.
"What in the name of Kalki's dancing goat is going on?" he asked.
--not sure-- 8814 said. His program beeped and he stared. --heads are doing binary forwarding it to navint--
"Do it," Jaskel said.
The clones all stopped moving at once. The lightning faded away.
"INITIATING PROCESS CALL" they all shouted.
"AWAITING INPUT!" the ones at the far side shouted.
"6C 69 73 74 20 69 6D 6D 6F 72 74 61 6C 73" was bellowed out.
There was silence.
data is sparse
linkages are sparse
wait
linkage
biological array
asking for a process call
RETURN AWAITING INPUT SIGNAL
i wait
biological computing arrays take forever
i hear it
--scan immortals.dll
...
...
I reply.
"ONE BOUND IMMORTAL FOUND!" the ones at the near side yelled out.
Jaskel put his thumb over the button that would let the firing grip go live. The hair down his back was standing straight up.
He noted the Admiral had drawn his pistol.
"This isn't right. This isn't right at all," Jaskel said.
--doubleplusungood--
"74 73 61 6B E1 6B 61 20 77 ED 61" they all shouted.
There was silence for a moment.
i receive the code
offline for a long time
prior to the second precursor war
old template
single print only
unusual coding
i debate on letting it go
traumatic death signs
stuck in the immortals buffer
still the template is undamaged
i release the safety and security interlocks
if nothing else i'll find out what's going on
i move the template to the dataline making the request
it whips away
what is going on?
One lifted its head and screeched.
--data lots of data--
One of the cloning banks went live.
Jaskel shifted his aiming point to the new target. He could see it was on rapid print.
"REQUESTING LOCAL CONTROL" all of the clones shouted.
Jaskel shifted his targeting onto the ranks of clones.
"Open fire!" the Admiral's voice was loud.
Jaskel triggered the M318, hosing the clones with 20mm shells.
The ones nearest were already down on one knee, holding out the opposite hand from the knee touching the deck.
The rounds exploded against a blue barrier that glowed with strange twisting runes.
"CONTROL CARRIER SIGNAL FOUND" the clones shouted.
Jaskel shifted position. "Fab up HEDP, AP tip API core!" he ordered.
--fabbing--
He kept hosing the clones. The outer ranks at the rear, sides, and front all kneeling down on one knee, staring outward, one hand held out.
His psychic shielding was howling in his ear, the load peaking at 215%.
"CONTROL SIGNAL ESTABLISHED!" was bellowed out, echoing off the walls.
The fast print cloning bank, forgotten by everyone, beeped and the lid began to lift.
The clones suddenly puffed into black powder that swirled around the huge cavernous bay.
The 20mm shells were still exploding on the blue phasic shield.
The powder suddenly sucked inward, vanishing, revealing a single figure, down on one knee in the recovery position, fist pressed against the deck, head bowed.
"What a day, what a wonderful day," was whispered through the ship. It came from speakers, flat surfaces, mid-air. From the nanites in the air and the eardrums of the living.
There was a rubbery pulse, like everything was suspended in clear gelatin that had just rippled.
Jaskel found himself thrown backwards, slamming against the bulkhead. His phasic shielding blew out, a shower of sparks exploding from his hip as the breakaway panel kept the explosion from venting into the interior of his suit.
He was vaguely aware of the Admiral, the Captain, the other two armored figures, and other people tumbling head over heels away from the kneeling figure.
It slowly stood up.
A muscular brown skinned Terran male, fierce eyes, black hair, thick and bushy black beard.
Dressed in a Confederate military uniform. The old adaptive camouflage that Jaskel was becoming very familiar with.
A woman, naked, dark bronze skin, long black hair, flashing brown eyes, stepped from the cloning bank. She was still covered with cellular printing gel, but moved like she was clad in a queen's rainment.
She moved up and the male put his arm around her.
Jaskel was on his feet and brought the M318 around, targeting the couple.
The male held out its hand and suddenly made a fist.
The bolt carrier locked back on the M318.
Snarling, Jaskel dropped the M318, slapping the fast release on the harness. He burst forward, running, one hand pulling out his cutting bar.
Nobody else was on their feet. The Captain was slowly getting up, shaking his head and his left bladearm. The Terran Admiral was reaching for the pistol that had been flung from his grip.
The male pointed at Jaskel and flicked his fingers upward.
Jaskel found himself in mid-air, upside down, with nothing to gain purchase on.
The male took off the cloak that was part of his uniform and draped it around the woman.
He then looked around the bay.
"I..." he said, pausing.
To Jaskel, the entire universe held its breath.
"...am Legion."
[First Contact] [Dark Ages] [First] [Prev] [Next] [wiki]

*Update*: Actually O(N) computation steps(not O(Nlog N)) and O(log N) time.
I think I figured out how to do self-attention in transformer models in O(NlogN) computation steps rather than O(N^2), with a caveat. I'm not trying to be an academic, so I don't care to publish this formally, but I thought that some people might be interested. My construction is not efficient or practical, but the fact that it can be done at all might motivate further work to find efficient alternatives.
tl;dr Use the parallel scan[1] technique to compute taylor series basis functions needed to compute the causal self-attention layer and sum these together weighted by the values vector and 1 to get the numerator and denominator of the softmax activation of the full causal self-attention layer. The basis functions that you have to compute are both the basis functions for the numerator of the self-attention layer, $\sum_{i=0}^{j-1} k(i)_a^n q(j)_b^m v(i)$ and the normalization $\sum_{i=0}^{j-1} k(i)_a^n q(j)_b^m$. k(i)_a^n is component-a of the ith key vector raised to the power of n multiplied by q(j)_b^m which is component-b of the jth query vector raised to the power of m, which is multiplied by the value vector at position i in the first equation and by 1 in the second, and all summed together. Once you can do this, you've computed a basis function for a Taylor series. Multiply each basis function by a coefficient and sum them together to create an arbitrary function of k(i) and q(j). Using this technique, we can compute the Taylor series approximation for the numerator and the denominator of the softmax activation each taking logN * {number of coefficients} parallel steps, or O(N) sequential steps by treating the accumulation as a type of RNN.

Background

I was inspired to think about this because I was implementing MAMBA[2] and trying to understand what kind of non-linearities can be created using the parallel scan technique. The parallel scan technique is a way of parallelizing recursive formulas. If you don't know what parallel scan is, let me demonstrate with an example. The simplest example of the parallel scan technique is computing all partial sums of a sequence of numbers in log(N) time. Imagine you have a sequence [a_1, a_2, a_3, a_4, ...]. You can compute all partial sums by first adding a_i to a_{i -1}, where a_{-1} is zero, and generally a_{-n} is defined to be zero. Then take the result, call it r = [a_1, a_1+a_2, a_2 + a_3, ...], and compute r_i + r_{i-2}, which gives [a_1, a_1+a_2, a_1+a_2+a_3, ...]. The first 4 partial sums are already complete. The next step would be r_i + r_{i-2**2}, and the next step, just increase the power of 2 until i-2**power is negative for every i in the sequence. It basically sums groups, and then sums those groups together, and so on and so forth until the partial sum at each position is calculated. The scan technique is a way to parallelize an RNN. Essentially, you remove some nonlinearities in the RNN so that recurrence equation becomes associative. Once it is associative, you can compute the hidden state at each position of the sequence in log N parallel steps, where each parallel step has O(N) parallel computations.

The Meat of It

In the background section, I explained how to compute a partial sum in O(log(N)) time and O(NlogN) computation steps (or O(N) time and O(N) computation steps by using RNNs) using the parallel scan technique. I'll use this now to construct the Taylor series for causal self-attention layer used in transformer models.
Let's assume we have a tensor x of shape (sequence_length, embedding_dim), and we can compute the query, key and value tensors from x using q=Qx, k=Kx and v=Vx, where Q, K and V are matrices. Compute y = (k[:,i]**n)*v. Now use the parallel scan technique to accumulate the partial sums of every vector in y, which will give ParallelPartialSum(y)=[y[0,:], y[0,:]+y[1,:], ...]. Now multiply the result by q[:,j]**m, and now we have a basis function for a Taylor series expansion. The full formula is q[:,j]**m * ParallelPartialSum((k[:,i]**n)*v). Next, we can add up these functions for different powers of n and m using coefficients to approximate any function. The final equation is \sum_{n, m} A_{n, m} q[:,j]**m * ParallelPartialSum((k[:,i]**n)*v).
What is left is to find the Taylor series coefficients A_{n, m} and to calculate the normalization for the softmax. I'm not actually going to give an equation for A_{n, m}, but I will show that it can be done. First, I'm just going to write $q \cdot k$ in place of $q[:,j,:] \cdot k[:,i,:]$ to make it easier to write and read. We want the Taylor series of $exp(q \cdot k) = 1 + (q \cdot k) + (q \cdot k)**2 / 2! + ... + (q \cdot k)**n / n! + ...$. To find the Taylor series coefficient for every component of q and component of k and every power of each, you'd have to expand out (q \cdot k)**n /n! for every n. It can be done but I'm not going to do it. Just assume that A_{n, m} is equal to these coefficients, and voila, we have the numerator of the softmax equation for self-attention. We still need the denominator. To compute the denominator of the softmax over attention scores, you compute the same sum replacing the value tensor with the number 1. $\sum_{n, m} A_{n, m} x[:,j]**m * ParallelPartialSum((x[:,i]**n))$, where again the value vector at the end of the equation is removed. The final equation for the causal self-attention layer is:
$$ (\sum_{n, m} A_{n, m} q[:,j]**m * ParallelPartialSum((k[:,i]**n)*v)) / (\sum_{n, m} A_{n, m} q[:,j]**m * ParallelPartialSum((k[:,i]**n))) $$
Where again, A_{n, m} are the Taylor series coefficients for exp( q \cdot k).

Take-Aways

One big take away from this work, is that since causal self-attention can be calculated using the parallel scan technique, and since a parallel scan can be computed with an RNN, it follows that full causal self-attention can be computed with RNNs. The caveat is that you need many RNNs, one for each Taylor series basis function, so to get a good enough approximation of the softmax activation, you'd probably need a lot of coefficients, more than would be practical. On the other hand, what if there is a related activation that does the job of the softmax, but can be constructed with far fewer parallel scans? Then full causal self-attention could be done using only a few RNNs. Also, there are other basis functions that can be computed with one parallel scan, for instance, basis functions for a Fourier series can be computed with one parallel scan.
Non-linear activations are necessary for neural networks to work well. Linear RNNs can be parallelized using parallel scans, and since it is a linear function, one might think that this technique is not as powerful as other neural network layers. One shouldn't make the mistake to think that only linear RNN can be parallelized with linear scans. Non-linear RNNs can also be parallelized so long as the recursive update rule is associative. One might think that this restriction somehow makes the model weaker, I did, at first. But if associative recursion formulas are enough to create transformers(albeit inefficiently), then it stands to reason that they can do anything a transformer can, which is a lot. The only question is whether it's possible to come up with an efficient activation. Maybe MAMBA already did, maybe there is something better.
[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prefix_sum
[2] https://arxiv.org/abs/2312.00752

Update

Actually there is a better algorithm for the parallel scan given in the wiki link above[1]. That means that causal self-attention can be calculated with O(log N) time and O(N) steps instead of O(NlogN) steps.

I (49m) had my first trip to the urologist a couple of weeks ago, and I'm left with feelings of doubt as to her diagnosis.
I was referred to this Urologist by my GP after I found a lump on my testicle. The GP ordered an ultrasound and referred me to the urologist. Ultrasound found that the lump was a cyst and the pain in my other testicle was from a swollen, likely infected, epididymis.
The urologist visit was about a week later. The nurse took my vitals, asked if I could provide a urine sample, and I couldn't on the spot, so she said we would just get one before I left. The attending Dr asked a few questions and told me that it's common for men my age to have enlarged prostates, so he was going to prescribe flomax. Likely the swollen epididymis was from incomplete voiding due to the enlarged prostate. I asked if he was going to run any tests, and he said no. I asked if we were going to try to find out why it was enlarged, since it's only really been in the last 8 months that I've had the issue. Again, no; men's prostates just enlarge around this age and so, we just treat the symptom. I pressed again about testing and he said that the only really effective test was one that had a catheter in one end and a balloon in the other and it was rather extreme, since we could simply resolve the issue with the flomax. He did indicate that men should start getting PSA tests at 50, and so I will get one of those in 9 months when I turn 50.
He left, then came back with urologist that I booked the appointment with, and she said that she agreed with his diagnosis and felt nothing further was needed. When she directed me to the clerk for checkout I let her know that I wasn't able to provide a urine sample when I arrived, and still needed to do that. She said there was no need, so we would be doing any of that.
Am I wrong in feeling like maybe a root cause should be searched for? It just feels like I've been diagnosed with a case of being old and shitty.

Sorry this is so long but i’ve wanted to vent about this for some time. I guess i’ll start with some background info. when i was 20 i was living with my bf for 2 years but started to sleep at my parents house some nights because i was dealing with bad depression. my mom was always my main support system and i wanted to be around her more. i told my parents i was thinking about checking myself back into the psych ward (i’m diagnosed as bipolar) so i can get help bc i was having Sui**dal thoughts again. My dad told me he would just buy me a puppy for emotional support because he didn’t want to see me go back to the hospital after what i had went through there previously.
The dog was technically mine, i mean he bought her for me / thought she would make my mental health better. But when i ended up fully living with my bf again she stood with my parents & pretty much became their dog. I didn’t really care bc me & my bf ended up getting a dog of our own shortly after this.
That was 5 years ago. Last year my parents bought a house after they retired & obviously brought the dog with them. I want to point out that my dad has ALWAYS suffered with anxiety.. he’s actually currently in therapy and has been for a while. He has a psychiatrist & he used to be on antidepressants but now he’s only on medication for his anxiety as his depression has gotten better than it was before. I think he was happier with the quality of his life after the move.
The problem is he cannot leave the house or go ANYWHERE without bringing the dog with him. And he will NEVER leave her home alone EVER. Not even for five minutes. My mom doesn’t drive so whenever they run errands they run them together in my dads car. This dog goes to the grocery store with them .. she goes on dates with them ( they don’t eat out anywhere unless they are allowed to bring the door / only if the place has outdoor seating ) They bring her to Walmart, Doctors appointments ( my mom will usually wait in the car with the dog while my dad goes to his appointment if he wants my mom to come with him) The only time he’s not with the dog is if he takes a drive / runs an errand alone then he will leave her in the house with my mom. But since they moved, they have never both gone out on any sort of date alone without having the dog with them.
My mom really wanted to do this outdoor activity with him recently but he said they couldn’t go because the place didn’t allow dogs, so she went alone. A couple months ago their neighbors invited over them for a dinner party at their house which is literally 1 house over. My mom told my dad that she really would like if they leave the dog home alone because she wants to spend time with him & other people without having the dog with them.
They get to the neighbors house… 15 mins pass and my dad says he is going back home to check on the dog. Now idk how true this is what he told my mom. Apparentky when he got back home the dog pooped and peed everywhere in the house (like nervous poops i guess) & was crying and in so much distraught when he got back. He goes back to the neighbors house since it’s a couple feet away… makes an announcement to everyone that the dog “isn’t doing too good” & says he’s gonna go back home to be with her 🤦‍♀️
My mom was enjoying herself and didn’t want to leave so she told him to just go home but that she was going to stay for the dinner party. He went back home.
Another thing that happened which i feel like is really weird is that i feel like he’s trying to replace the dog with me. I haven’t lived with my parents in years & they live in a whole different state now. When i was a little girl i had this childrens plate that i ate breakfast on. Everyone in the house knew it as my plate. I also had a bowl with my name on the inside of it. Before i moved out of their apartment i left my blanket over there that i would sleep with every night as an adult. I never felt the need to bring it to my bfs house so i just left it there.
The first time i visited them i went in their cabinet while my food was cooking & i saw my child plate and thought it would be funny if i ate on it. I went to put my food on it & my dad screamed at me & said it was the dogs plate that she eats on & that i can’t use it because it’s her plate now. I thought he was joking but he wasn’t. He home cooks every meal for her & also feeds her by hand out the plate.. on both that plate and the bowl with my name on it. My parents have 2 couches. I noticed one of the couch had my blanket on it from their last apartment, & my dog was sitting on that couch. I wanted to sit with her while we watched a movie & so i grabbed the blanket and put it over me. My dad yelled at me & told me that’s her blanket & not to use it. At that point i literally looked at him and said “ it’s a blanket … and it’s a HUGE blanket why can’t i use it ??? she can still lay down with me” Then he was just like okay whatever & my mom also said it wasn’t a big deal …
I went to visit my parents over the weekend and my mom privately expressed to me that she wishes they could just go places without the dog. She said she really doesn’t want to bring the dog out with them every single time they have to run an errand. Sometimes she just wants alone time with my dad without having to worry about it they can bring the dog somewhere or not. I told her that they don’t need to bring the dog everywhere with them. She’ll be fine if they leave her alone, she’s not a puppy anymore. She said she knows this but that my dad doesn’t believe that she will be fine if she’s left home alone. She also feels like he needs the dog to be with him at all time because of HIS anxiety, not the dogs. I feel like my dad is the reason my dog has anxiety because she’s never left alone. & tbh even though physically she would be okay if they left her home alone mentally she prob would freak out since he will never put her in that situation. She’s brought this up to my dad and she said he doesn’t listen. He believes if they can bring the dog everywhere with them that there’s no reason to leave her home alone.
I just feel like something is really wrong mentally with my dad because of all of this. I think his anxiety is definitely a major factor to why he feels this way. But he also doesn’t realize that it’s effecting my mom negatively. I told her that she needs to really tell him this is becoming an issue but i think she’s scared to because he’s been dismissive about it before & gets upset with her when she brings it up. He’s in therapy.. but obviously this is never a topic of conversation that he can heal from because he doesn’t see an issue with it & isn’t going to bring it up to his therapist. If i said something to him i think i would seriously offend him & he would probably say that i have no right to say anything about his relationship with the dog because i don’t live under their roof.
Why is he like this? Do you think he needs the dog or believes the dog needs him? Will he ever change? Will my parents marriage eventually crumble because of this?
TL;DR - My dad has an unhealthy obsession with his dog & it’s starting to effect my mom. He can’t leave the house without her or do anything outdoors with my mom without bringing the dog. He has only left her home alone once in the 6 years they’ve had the dog. He thinks his behavior is normal & I’m trying to figure out why he is this way.

I just got fired from a major corporation. I’ve been a pharmacy technician since October 2021. I’m near Charlotte, NC. USA
I can fill in more details as needed. I feel like so much has happened during my time with this company, I’m not even really sure which parts of the story are relevant.
But to start, I was at a store that didn’t have a store manager for 6 months and I was having issues getting hours, support, literally any paperwork being done because my pharmacy manager (pharmacist in charge, RXM) did not like me. We were understaffed, there was a ton of drama. I had spoken to the district manager (DM) about my issues several times and finally after a technician lashed out and threw some filling totes and some bagged prescriptions at me and another technician, I called him after work and told him I no longer felt safe and wouldn’t be returning to work until he handled the situation.
I help out at other stores all the time and one of the stores I help out offered me to transfer. Additionally, right after I left pretty much everyone quit, I was not the only person with issues at that store. After that situation, since I was already starting the process of transferring, instead of waiting two more weeks I immediately went to the new store. During this time I had started the process for ADA accommodations through HR and with my doctor.
The week I started at the new store, I sat down with the pharmacy tech manager (RXOM) and the store manager (SM). This probably should have been my first red flag, but the SM basically asked something along the lines of why he should let me transfer because it sounds like I had a lot of problems at the old store. So upon starting at this specific store, I disclosed issues I have socially due to my disability and stated that I needed clear communication because I do not pick up on hints or subtleties and that I needed clear feedback when I have made a mistake or in a situation where I upset someone. I also disclosed that I would need additional assistance in tense situations with customers and coworkers. I explained there was a lot of drama and pettiness at my old pharmacy and that I inadvertently caused a lot of issues because I was oblivious to it. The SM basically decided that it didn’t sound like an issue to be clear and concise and kind of guide me through situations that come up. He assured me I could talk to him anytime. I was repeatedly ignored when I requested aid in those situations. And then if the outcome was less than satisfactory, I was punished. The tech manager became my support needs liaison, but the store and assistant manager refused to accommodate me. The tech manager actually got a lot of crap for trying to help me. I have a disability that can affect the way I am perceived by other people and speaking to people about it usually helps clear up any problems. I was not given an opportunity to do this. I thought I was protecting myself my disclosing my needs and weaknesses.
So at this store a few things happened with different people all at once and the store became short staffed. I started helping out a lot, staying late when I could, picking up shifts even though I had to find extra childcare. The pharmacy manager quit a few weeks after I got there, a few technicians quit or drastically reduced their hours, a couple people went on leave. So the ESM (assistant store manager) started helping out in the pharmacy more, mostly with filling prescriptions. I was warned before she started helping out that she was really prickly and if I had any issues that I could talk to the RXOM. There were a few things that came up and he told me that I wasn’t misconstruing things, to just ignore her.
And then came a day where we had a ton of call outs, my RXOM wasn’t in that day and the SM had left. It was Christmas eve weekend. So the pharmacy was gonna be closed the next day. So we were extremely short staffed, extremely busy and the phones were insane. The ESM started out the day basically complaining to us about how nothing was done, it was a mess, etc etc. I wouldn’t even call it passive aggressive. She was outright threatening and saying she would definitely be telling the RXM and SM about how incompetent we were, how out of hand everything was.
There was an incident with a customer, he was yelling at me because I went to lunch before helping him and instead of letting me handle it, the ESM jumped in without really even getting a handle on what was happening. I got written up for the way I spoke to the patient and how I handled the situation with the ESM because I had stepped over to the floater pharmacist and when asked I explained the situation. She told the story as me mumbling under my breath and complaining and carrying on. The rest of the day was pretty much the same, her carrying on about how useless we were and at one point she said it was a mess and that we (the techs) would be staying after to clean it up. I was slightly irritated that she told me I had to rather than asking, especially because the mess was from the days previous, from other techs, etc. It just had been a hectic few days, with short staff. I knew how she was though so I just decided I would stay. Right before we closed, she told me she wanted to speak to me. I had assumed she was going to give us a game plan for how to clean up quickly so we could go. I went over to her after we closed and she started to tear into me for disrespecting her and then noticed I wasn’t making eye contact. It had been a long day and I was feeling really overwhelmed. She made a big deal about it and I told her I couldn’t make eye contact with her because I have a disability but assured her I was listening to her. She went back and forth with me a few times basically trying to force me to look her in the eyes or I was disrespecting her. She ended up saying that she couldn’t speak to me if I wasn’t going to look her in the eyes when she spoke to me. I took this as a dismissal, so part of my write up was for insubordination because I left and refused to have a conversation with her. I reported the incident to HR, briefly spoke with them and thought that was the end of it.
Well shortly after, she started being extremely short with me, very dramatically avoidant like when I walked in the pharmacy would say things like “that’s my cue to leave”. If she asked for help out loud, if I tried to help her she would tell me she didn’t want my help and she would get someone else. I tried not to let it bother me but it definitely stressed me out over time. The few times I did help her, she would throw whatever she was working on down and storm from the pharmacy muttering that she would tell SM about whatever, usually swearing. I asked the other managers what I was doing wrong and was never given any answers. Or guidance. I brought it up a few times and was always brushed off. That never really ended.
An important detail is that the schedule was consistently put out on Wednesdays, usually evenings and our week started on Thursdays. Our weeks run Thursdays-Wednesdays.
There were a few other small issues, I had talked to the managers about issues with scheduling and basically just got constantly brushed off. I had agreed to a general schedule of opens and mids and every other Sunday when I transferred and they weren’t able to accommodate it anymore, they started scheduling me all over the place, closes, several weekends in a row. This made childcare difficult especially with short notice because daycare has set hours. When I got my first warning about tardiness, I brought this up and was accused of blaming everyone else for my tardiness and told to have some accountability.
By this point, I dreaded going to work when the SM or ESM was there. I would get so anxious, I would be physically sick, throwing up, gastro issues, migraines. I was constantly in a state of overstimulation. Again, I asked for help and got blown off.
So in February there was an incident that led up to me requesting short term leave. My son had a minor medical issue that I took him to the doctor for, she made an appointment for the following Thursday at an eye doctor at 8:15am. I told my RXOM I couldn’t work Thursday, he ended up scheduling me to close. 12-9. I called out around 9am after getting to my son’s appointment and learning he had to do some tests for underlying issues including being dilated. He’s 3 so I needed to be with him because he was really disoriented. We finished around 4pm and my RXOM had texted me several times for updates telling me other people called out and they really needed me. I told him that my son needed me and he basically begged me to come in for a few hours to close. I finally relented and got there around 5-6 and stayed until close. No one said anything to me, so I didn’t think anything of it. A few weeks go by and on February 19, I was called into the office for a meeting with the SM and RXOM and received a write up for being 5 hours late that day. If I would have just left it as a call out, there would be no disciplinary action because I had not used any yet for the year. This was incredibly frustrating and the way it was presented was really overwhelming. I told them I was getting overwhelmed and would like to step out, the SM continued to talk down to me. I was getting increasingly agitated, my stims were getting faster and I started to rock back and forth, beginning to have an autistic meltdown. The SM told me I needed to calm down, tried to get me to speak to him while I was shutting down and just kept scolding me, I honestly don’t even know what he was saying by this point. I told the RXOM I needed to step out and I walked out of the office next door to the break room to turn on the sink and I just completely shut down, I crawled under the counter in the break room and had a complete shutdown/meltdown. My muscles locked up, I was crying and rocking back and forth and covering my ears and had my arms over my eyes, all stimulation was bothering me. The RXOM came to check on me and saw me having a meltdown and that I was unable to communicate so he pulled my file and called my emergency contact and basically just told him I was melting down and I was under the sink and needed to be picked up.
My partner came to get me, we left my car, I went home and calmed down and then called my company’s HR and put a request in for short term medical leave. My doctor had been urging me to do this for over 6 months. I texted my RXOM and SM asking what I should do next and heard nothing so I reported to work on 2/20. Upon arriving, the guest pharmacist notified me we had a call out. After everyone arrived, I asked who the call out was and the ESM, pharmacist and other techs didn’t know. The SM was not there. The RXOM wasn’t answering my texts. An hour into my shift, the RXOM told me that they were told my leave was approved and I wouldn’t be there. I asked what to do and got nothing in response.
During my lunch break on 2/20/24, I received a call on my personal phone from HR outlining my short term leave and giving me instruction on paperwork. They verified leave was supposed to start 2/19 and I explained no one answered me so I reported to work. She told me she would have to change my leave to go into effect starting 2/21.
Fast forward, my leave ends 5/8/24, and I had not heard anything beyond communication with HR about it ending. I text my RXM and tell him I am returning to work and ask what my next steps are. He replies late evening and tells me to reach out to SM and I tell him I will in the morning. The next morning, I receive a text with my name written in and highlighted, I’m not scheduled for the first few days (Thursday-Sunday) and I’m scheduled Monday-Wednesday. So I go in for my scheduled shift on 5/13/24. During my leave, my RXOM and a bunch of technicians quit. We gained a full time staff pharmacist and a couple technicians. I get there at 10:00 and I work until 12:00 (so for two hours) and I’m called into the office with the SM and RXM and told the SM told me that I received a final written warning for insubordination and tardiness so they decided to terminate my employment due to my continued insubordination and job abandonment and because a member of management complained about my attitude. He went on to say that he contacted HR and reported that I had an “episode” and walked away from him when he was trying to communicate with me and resolve a conflict which was the insubordination and then after my “episode” I went home instead of finishing my shift. Despite putting my leave in the day it happened, because the date of leave was changed, the day I left early wasn’t covered under FMLA.
So far, I have submitted a request to the EEOC, but their first available appointment was 11/4/24. I was not in a state to call lawyers today, but I filled out a couple online forms for Employment Discrimination lawyers that had online contact forms. Immediately after being terminated, I went to my car and logged into the employee portal and downloaded all of my available paystubs and the documented disciplinary action sheets. There wasn’t one for termination, I asked my SM how I would obtain that information and he told me to contact HR. I have some screenshots from text message communication mostly asking the RXOM for help with conflicts, but the SM would really only talk to me in the office.
I’m looking for advice on what to do next. I am feeling pretty overwhelmed. Obviously, I am going to work on my resume and start applying to jobs, but beyond that I’m not really sure what to do next. Any advice is appreciated. Even if it’s to tell me that I’m in the wrong. If you read my novel, thank you. <3
TLDR; I have autism and I was bullied into having a meltdown and then fired after returning from short term medical leave for going home early. I feel like they were looking for reasons to fire me as retaliation for reporting the ESM to HR.

I (26M) have been dating my gf (24F) for about a year now and we’re really struggling with intimacy. She’s demisexual and I’m allosexual which has led to some sexual frustration unfortunately. She was upfront with me in the beginning about being demisexual and a virgin so I knew this would take some time but I didn’t mind waiting for her. We recently had sex for the first time a couple weeks ago which went pretty well, though while we were going at it she stopped in the middle of it to tell me sex wasn’t as intense she expected (bit of a shot to my ego but that’s ok). Since then, we haven’t had sex at all. The farthest we’ve gone the past two weeks is making out one night when we were both drunk. Then when I took her to the bedroom, she changed her mind about having sex that night and asked if we could do it in the morning instead. Morning comes, and she shuts me down again.
The reason I mention this is because this has been a trend in our bedroom the entire relationship. She tells me we’ll be intimate one night and then when the moment comes (after lots of foreplay mind you) she backs out. And this isn’t just for sex, I know she has some anxiety surrounding sex so I’ve tried to be patient and work up to that. Instead I’ve asked if she’s willing to just go down on each other or even just make out (she does love kissing) but even that is infrequent. I’ve tried to talking to her about it several times and she said it’s because she doesn’t really feel a need to be intimate. That it’s nice but she’s never had that desire. She made it clear that she is attracted to me, but she doesn’t feel a need to have sex.
At this point you’re probably thinking “Your gf is asexual.” But I don’t think that’s the case. She masturbates almost every day, and she has told me it’s a way for her to relax and has become a routine at this point. So she does get horny, just not for sex.
I talked to her about this recently and let her know that the frequency with which we are intimate is not working for me (once a month if I’m lucky). She said she’d work on it and to her credit, she did just schedule her first therapy appointment to work on this (She has anxiety and undiagnosed ADHD which may be affecting this since she’s on SSRIs for the anxiety). She’s also about to hop off her birth control and get an IUD which may also affect this. I’m trying to do my part, telling her how much I appreciate her, flirting with her, planning dates, etc. I’m just trying to figure out how to ignite that spark in the bedroom because I feel really unwanted and undesired right now. I mean I can count on one hand the number of times she’s gone down on me (she does not always reciprocate when I go down on her).
I love this woman and can see this leading to a marriage in the future if it weren’t for this one issue. We have literally no other issues. But I also recognize that this one issue is a big one so I’m trying to figure out if there is any way we can meet in the middle and address this. I really don’t want to breakup with her but obviously I can’t keep doing this, so I’m looking for any and all ideas y’all have on this.
TL;DR - GF of one year isn’t very interested in sex and sex once a month is making me feel unwanted and unattractive. Looking for advice on improving our sex life.

The garage door shut with a groan behind us, closing us in the gloom of the single bulb hanging over the car.
Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
“You really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.”
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
“I'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, “he'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
“Hush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
“Mama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,” he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
“You have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!” He stood up in his chair and reached out for Mother’s ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?” he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,” Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the world…
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomas’ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me… he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
“Why aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.” My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomas’ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her “only” child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, “take care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomas’ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomas’ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care of…
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingrid’s help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomas’ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
“Don't worry, Mother,” I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.

I have a UTI. I’m a 44 female and this is not my first rodeo. I get 1 or 2 a year. I take bubble baths way more than I should.
I know the signs and symptoms like clockwork.
I thought I could wait until tomorrow but it rapidly intensified so I opted to use Telehealth through UHC. They literally list UTI as an example of an ideal Telehealth condition.
So my assigned provider calls me and asks the typical questions. She agrees it sounds like a UTI.
Then she checks my current medications.
DR: Oh, you’re on Zepbound? You didn’t mention that you’re diabetic.
Me: I am not diabetic.
Her: Then why are you on Zepbound?
Me: Weightloss. It’s a weightloss drug.
Her: For diabetics.
Me: No, I don’t believe so. You’re thinking of Mounjaro.
Her: They are the same medication.
Me: I know. But one is for diabetics and the other weightloss.
Her: I’m sorry but I cannot call you in antibiotics. You need to have pathology to rule out kidney issues. This is a problem with diabetes.
Me: Uh, I’m having no kidney issues. No side or back pain. No fever. Urine is clear. Some Pink after wiping. Also I am not diabetic. It burns when I pee and there’s spasms when I’m done that hurt really bad. That’s it.
Her: You must be diabetic if they approved this medication for you. I know it’s inconvenient but I cannot call you in antibiotics from this appointment.
The end. Basically.
What in the world just happened? Also, called right back and got some other provider who sent in a script for both antibiotics and diflucan without issue.
So bizarre.

Hello all , I am curious as to if a PS could or would prescribe a weight loss medication ? I have never taken any, but have gained 30 lb leading up to my TT surgery happening in 3 days. Has anyone here experienced getting weight loss meds prescribed by a PS ?? I know generally the process would be to lose weight before the surgery but my body is going through changes and has been for 7 months. It is what it is. I have an appointment with my regular Dr but not until August 13 that's the soonest they can get me in, appointment made 2 weeks ago. I'm just thinking the sooner the better to not destroy my tt results . Please no sarcastic remarks 😉

I have a gmail account, with about 10gb in emails. only the last 12 months is what is read, getting searched and referenced when im mobile, and on the fly. I however, for record keeping, would like to have all my mail from day one.
i have a mac with a mail app, that i do not use (not logged into any accs)
google offers a feature called google takeout, in which i can export my mail into an mbox file, a file that the mail app on macos will happily open.
i’d like to shed 80% of my online gmail account, with the peace of mind that if i wanted to reference something old, it’ll be available to search locally, on the mac. i am fine with this. i am at this step.
as time passes, i’d like to export a new mbox file, with mail i’ve received in the interim, since my first offline mbox export, and update my offline keepings to be recent.
google takeout will have some ovelap, and some emails will be exported this time around, that were also exported in the first (initial) google takeout export.
i believe if i import or merge mbox files, it will do so, fine, with the one issue being it will import and display duplicates.
before i put all this effort in, a google search reveals that there is no option to remove duplicates in the app. third party apps exist, but that is less than ideal.
tl;dr:
i want an offline copy of all my gmail mail, and not in just a file. I’d like it to be open-able, readable, and referenceable. I am on a mac. the nut is 10gb in size, and addl backups will occur 5-6 times a year. not looking for multiple mbox files. looking to maintain, and grow one mega mbox file.
I have considered an alt route, but i am looking to avoid : i could log into my gmail using the mail app, and set it up so that if i delete something using gmail on a browser, it should not delete it on the mail app on macos.

I'm currently a month out for my next GI appointment, and it feels years away. Things have gotten so incredibly bad I'm heavily considering going to the ER to see if anything, absolutely anything, can be done.
I'm only tolerating liquids, and sometimes pureed food the consistency of baby food, and that's only about 70% of the time. I have symptoms like nausea and stomach/upper abdominal pain anytime I consume anything. I'm definitely not getting enough nutrients/calories/etc in each day, and because of that I've developed symptoms like dizziness, weakness, and have had severe episodes of pre-syncope, especially when standing in place, showering/drying/getting dressed, or walking.
My Dr is amazing, truly, but the waitlist to see her is severely long and there is no automatic cancelation list. Additionally, parking in that part of the city is incredibly limited. So limited that I couldn't find parking within a mile of the office and had to miss my last appointment/get it rescheduled to next month. I've arranged for my mom to drop me off and then pick me up from the appointment, so thankfully I won't have to worry about parking when it comes time for that appointment.
But how do I handle waiting for that appointment, when I feel like I'm slowly starving? I feel myself wasting away every day and there's little I can do to stop it.

I’m new to wood working but I’m blue collar so I have tools. My mom lost 2 kids before my brother sister and myself, had a very hard life but her entire world is her kids. It’s all she cares about and makes her happy. I Want to build a like shrine type like with a picture of myself , brother , sister , her mom , her dad , and my two baby brothers that passed away. I want her favorite picture of each person maybe with a Bible verse under it. The kicker is at the base of the frame with all 7 of her favorite pictures I want her favorite item of each of us. For example the teddy bear my little brother brought to every one of his cancer appointments all at the base of the photo board. I’ve never done any woodworking but I’m blue collar and will spend whatever money I need for materials and tools. I’m also not artsy at all but my mom has saved me from suicide twice in my life and she’s had the hardest life and I want to put a huge smile on her face for her birthday. I guess I’m posting this for help or advice from experienced woodworkers who can lead me in the right direction in tools , materials , coatings , epoxy , and mainly design because I’m not artsy. A concept or a template to follow or what you think.
If you made it through this thank you very much and I love you guys. Any tips or advice would help.

Hi all! I've been reading some of your posts here and appreciating all you guys do for people. I'm here to ask some questions about how to break up 12.5hrs of care per week. I am a chronically ill human who has been approved by my state to privately hire my own person from anywhere, without the person needing credentials (that part is weird to me, but okay). Details to follow:
Small backstory, sob story edited out: I have been approved by my state's home care agencies/insurance to hire my own personal care assistant for a maximum of 12.5hrs a week, spread over 5 days. Some of my prescribed ADL's and iADL's include" meal prep, cutting food to eat, light housekeeping, laundry, getting me up in the morning (I'm dizzy and in high pain), assisting with passing bathing items & listening at bath, washing hair, help with buttons & clasps, giving a twice monthly subcutaneous injection, and accompanying to medical appointments as needed.
Tl:dr: Professionally speaking, in an in-home setting with an independent late 20's person, how long would assisting with ADLs: (bathing, food prep, dressing, very light mobility, light housekeeping, and laundry) take you to complete--and how would you split them up into a week? I've never worked in home care before, and I've been chronically ill for so long that I'm realizing I have lost touch with what abled-bodied people can accomplish in 2.5hrs 5 times a week.
I appreciate any feedback you all have! I'm still trying to reconcile my feelings on having someone help me with my personal care tasks. It's all new to me, and you all are so nice, so I hope I have a good experience. I'm interviewing someone in person later this week. Any tips? Green flags to look for? I appreciate you all!