Dirty things to say to your girlfriendsx
/r/CordCutters - Say Goodbye to Your Cable TV Provider!
2011.01.20 00:04 wawayanda /r/CordCutters - Say Goodbye to Your Cable TV Provider!
A place for those looking to get away from the traditional cable tv model, and move toward cheaper and legal options like over the air antenna, library collections, and streaming services.
2012.10.04 09:21 AdrianBrony The place to share the things that scare your socks a bit loose.
Come across something in your life that freaked you out? Something scary enough to increase your heart rate, or grow half a goosebump? Share your shudder-inducing content with us!
2014.11.06 18:12 ursula666 Amazon Echo A voice command system that brings the Internet Of Things to your home
/AmazonEcho is a community centered around the Amazon Echo, or as we like to call her - Alexa. Alexa is designed around your voice. She's always on—just ask for information, music, news, weather, and more. She's also an expertly-tuned speaker that can fill any room with immersive sound.
2024.05.14 12:56 Independent-Fae8003 AITAH for being sick of management and their favoritism?
I know this sounds crazy but hear me out.
Roughly a year ago now I found out I was pregnant and told my management at work because I wanted them to be aware and let them know I would no longer be working the c0mb@tive/bariatric side of the building. The hall they kept me on mostly, was a hall with multiple physically aggre$$ive residents and multiple residents who were bariatric size. I do not mean like “plus size” I mean like 400+ pound people who refused to roll so you basically had to make them over with all your weight to change them. Prior to this I worked any where they needed me to but I was not willing to put my baby at risk. Fast forward, I ended up being put on that hall with a passive aggressive note on the schedule saying “do NOT switch.” I said something about being on the one group in the w whole building I refused to work and the RN supervisor said “it’s like that for a reason, we have four I’m not changing it” I said “that’s fine, you can go on ahead and regroup it for three because I’m leaving”. I went to the time clock, clocked out and left. I had not taken report so I was not liable for any residents. I was outside when the DON and the ED called me several times and requested I come back inside to discuss what the issues were. I went against my better judgement and went into the DON’s office. It was a literal disaster of a meeting with them to explain my side of things and why I wouldn’t be working that hall. I’m generally a pretty “let it be” type of person but I was already feeling emotional and over the entire situation. Not to mention this facility has done some pretty f*ked up sht. I ended up losing the baby and let’s just say that was an entire ordeal as well.
Fast forward to tonight, another cna is pregnant and is “nauseous”. They straight up let her leave the facility at 2 in the morning because she’s pregnant and sick. Where was this pity party for me when I was pregnant, willing to work (just not one hall) and not complaining because I was “sick” but because of an actual safety risk??? My anger was misdirected to the coworker a bit I realize that, my anger is more towards management for allowing this to happen in the first place. “Working with four” essentially means we have 25+ residents most of who are total care to 1 cna. So her leaving left us with four which also pssed me off. I’ve worked several times sick, not feeling up to par to keep my coworkers from having a shtty night.
submitted by Independent-Fae8003 to AITAH [link] [comments]
Roughly a year ago now I found out I was pregnant and told my management at work because I wanted them to be aware and let them know I would no longer be working the c0mb@tive/bariatric side of the building. The hall they kept me on mostly, was a hall with multiple physically aggre$$ive residents and multiple residents who were bariatric size. I do not mean like “plus size” I mean like 400+ pound people who refused to roll so you basically had to make them over with all your weight to change them. Prior to this I worked any where they needed me to but I was not willing to put my baby at risk. Fast forward, I ended up being put on that hall with a passive aggressive note on the schedule saying “do NOT switch.” I said something about being on the one group in the w whole building I refused to work and the RN supervisor said “it’s like that for a reason, we have four I’m not changing it” I said “that’s fine, you can go on ahead and regroup it for three because I’m leaving”. I went to the time clock, clocked out and left. I had not taken report so I was not liable for any residents. I was outside when the DON and the ED called me several times and requested I come back inside to discuss what the issues were. I went against my better judgement and went into the DON’s office. It was a literal disaster of a meeting with them to explain my side of things and why I wouldn’t be working that hall. I’m generally a pretty “let it be” type of person but I was already feeling emotional and over the entire situation. Not to mention this facility has done some pretty f*ked up sht. I ended up losing the baby and let’s just say that was an entire ordeal as well.
Fast forward to tonight, another cna is pregnant and is “nauseous”. They straight up let her leave the facility at 2 in the morning because she’s pregnant and sick. Where was this pity party for me when I was pregnant, willing to work (just not one hall) and not complaining because I was “sick” but because of an actual safety risk??? My anger was misdirected to the coworker a bit I realize that, my anger is more towards management for allowing this to happen in the first place. “Working with four” essentially means we have 25+ residents most of who are total care to 1 cna. So her leaving left us with four which also pssed me off. I’ve worked several times sick, not feeling up to par to keep my coworkers from having a shtty night.
2024.05.14 12:56 UpsetAppeal2154 I regret leaving my wife.
I'm using a throwaway account as I don't really people currently in my life to know this.
I (30MtF) left my wife (27F, let's call her D) two years ago. The divorce was finalized about two months ago, and I wish I could go back.
I met D eight years ago, while I was homeless. She and her family helped me get a job and my first apartment, she always showed me an incredible amount of love and support, and she was absolutely wonderful in so many ways. But D was also an evangelical Christian and incredibly transphobic and homophobic. I found this out shortly after we met. At the time, I knew I was trans, bisexual, and I was a pagan. I probably should have walked away then.
Unfortunately, due to an incredible amount of trauma in my childhood and adolescence, I have a tendency to develop new versions of myself for those I'm around. The "me" that took over my life during this time decided "he" was a cisgender, bisexual man who refused to "act on" his "sinful" desires after becoming a Christian. Still, early on that "me" didn't have as strong of a hold.
Once, when we'd been dating for a few months, we were hanging out with a friend who showed us Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time. Neither of us really had any idea what it was about. We watched it, and we were both incredibly uncomfortable for entirely different reasons. She brought me to work (I worked overnights at this time) and then while I was at work we fought over text and nearly broke up because of this damn movie. I didn't like it because it seemed fairly transphobic to me, especially when Dr. Frank-N-Furter raped the guests. (I now recognize this movie has a big place in queer culture but I still can't help but see it as kind of offensive.) D thought it was disgusting that the movie even included a trans character.
Eventually the "me" that had formed to be who she wanted me to be took over full-time and committed to stay with her and fight the "urge to sin." We dated for a few years and then got married. And honestly, this feels like one of the best times in my life sometimes, even though I know I was miserable.
I've always looked fairly feminine, and had fairly long hair and a pretty alternative style that often included makeup. I'd get "mistaken" for a girl pretty frequently when we were out, which only increased when she got me a super cute coffin-shaped purse for an anniversary. She'd always get super upset and defensive on my behalf, which hurt but she couldn't know it.
Sometimes during our marriage, she was reading an article about some state or another not accepting the "trans panic defense" and started ranting about it. I knew what she was talking about but on the off chance I was wrong I asked her to elaborate. She said it was when a trans person comes into the bathroom or hits on you and you assault or kill them because you panic. I tried to calmly explain that I thought it was good that wasn't being accepted because you shouldn't be assaulting or killing people regardless of whether they're trans or not, and it sounded like just a way to hurt trans people and get away with it. She came up with this wild argument and I just let her "win" because I didn't want to lose her. But I never felt fully safe with her again.
She liked it when I wore makeup, and once her sister told me she liked how I was a "man who was secure in his femininity but didn't feel like I needed to be a woman." (This was literally a month before I left to transition.) D agreed with her sister.
Around four years ago made a new friend at work, a nonbinary person I'll call S, who invited me to play DnD with them and their husband (a trans man) when they quit that job. By the time we'd bee playing for about six months, being around other trans people had reawakened the other parts of me, the parts that were closer to who I really am. I re-realized I was trans through our time together, and they started encouraging me to leave her and be my authentic self.
I left D about four months before our five-year wedding anniversary. She had gone through my phone, found messages between me and S about plans for me leaving and my being trans, and confronted me while I was in the shower. I quickly finished my shower and got out, had a six hour long conversation with her about this and tried to get her to understand. Eventually she just said "But you're not a woman and you never will be!" Without a word, I gathered up some essentials and left for S's house. S and I went back to that house while she was at church on Sunday and grabbed everything I owned, and then went to her mom's house to do the same. D and her whole family were there so I was trying to avoid questions and begging and pleading and crying from not only D, but her mom, sister, and brother to stay and give this trans thing up. I told D that if she wanted me to stay, I'd be staying as her wife and she'd have to accept that. She couldn't. I left.
Over the next couple months we spent a lot of time talking. D was trying to convince me to come back, to fall in love with her again. But I hadn't stopped loving her, I'd just gotten sick of hating myself. I told her that. I told her I wanted nothing more than to come back, but I couldn't do it if it meant going back to wanting to die every time I saw myself in the mirror and hating her briefly every time she "corrected" someone on my gender. I told her if she wanted me back, she'd need to support me in my transition. She still couldn't do it.
The last straw was when Michael Knowles called for the eradication of "transgenderism" (trans people). With that and the hundreds of anti-trans bills being introduced, I was scared. I texted D for comfort and instead got into a whole big argument with her. She kept trying to say the anti-trans bills were a good thing, and when I brought up the Michael Knowles thing she said she'd watched that speech and agreed with him. She said eradicating "transgenderism" would be a good thing. I sent her back a long text about the definition of genocide and how you can't separate "transgenderism" from transgender people, and eradicating "transgenderism" would require eradicating transgender people. We never talked again except about our divorce.
The thing that gets me though is that she's always been very anti-racist and speaks out against prejudice of most other kinds. She just never got it through her head that the same reasons she felt so strongly about that are why she should accept LGBTQIA+ people.
Now, it's been about two years since I left her. I have been on hormones for over a year, and I've never been happier with myself. These two years have been absolute hell in other ways. I have no stability, I lost my job, I've lost friends and family and all kinds of other traumatizing events that would make this post a literal novel. I've been suicidal in the past over stuff a lot smaller than this, but now, in the face of almost overwhelming and crushing despair, I'm still nowhere near that point again. I love myself. I am, for the first time in my life, living for myself.
I now have three wonderful partners (polyamory, they are all fully aware and consent, one of them has four other partners of their own) who love and accept me for who I am, and I love them all so much.
And yet. Despite all of that. Despite the pain D caused me, I still love her. I think I always will. And lately, it seems like all I can think of is the good times. And there were so many good times... I wish I could go back. I want her to love me again. And if she texted me tonight and told me she accepted me, I don't know if I could stay away. And this love I still feel... It's the most painful thing of all.
submitted by UpsetAppeal2154 to self [link] [comments]
I (30MtF) left my wife (27F, let's call her D) two years ago. The divorce was finalized about two months ago, and I wish I could go back.
I met D eight years ago, while I was homeless. She and her family helped me get a job and my first apartment, she always showed me an incredible amount of love and support, and she was absolutely wonderful in so many ways. But D was also an evangelical Christian and incredibly transphobic and homophobic. I found this out shortly after we met. At the time, I knew I was trans, bisexual, and I was a pagan. I probably should have walked away then.
Unfortunately, due to an incredible amount of trauma in my childhood and adolescence, I have a tendency to develop new versions of myself for those I'm around. The "me" that took over my life during this time decided "he" was a cisgender, bisexual man who refused to "act on" his "sinful" desires after becoming a Christian. Still, early on that "me" didn't have as strong of a hold.
Once, when we'd been dating for a few months, we were hanging out with a friend who showed us Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time. Neither of us really had any idea what it was about. We watched it, and we were both incredibly uncomfortable for entirely different reasons. She brought me to work (I worked overnights at this time) and then while I was at work we fought over text and nearly broke up because of this damn movie. I didn't like it because it seemed fairly transphobic to me, especially when Dr. Frank-N-Furter raped the guests. (I now recognize this movie has a big place in queer culture but I still can't help but see it as kind of offensive.) D thought it was disgusting that the movie even included a trans character.
Eventually the "me" that had formed to be who she wanted me to be took over full-time and committed to stay with her and fight the "urge to sin." We dated for a few years and then got married. And honestly, this feels like one of the best times in my life sometimes, even though I know I was miserable.
I've always looked fairly feminine, and had fairly long hair and a pretty alternative style that often included makeup. I'd get "mistaken" for a girl pretty frequently when we were out, which only increased when she got me a super cute coffin-shaped purse for an anniversary. She'd always get super upset and defensive on my behalf, which hurt but she couldn't know it.
Sometimes during our marriage, she was reading an article about some state or another not accepting the "trans panic defense" and started ranting about it. I knew what she was talking about but on the off chance I was wrong I asked her to elaborate. She said it was when a trans person comes into the bathroom or hits on you and you assault or kill them because you panic. I tried to calmly explain that I thought it was good that wasn't being accepted because you shouldn't be assaulting or killing people regardless of whether they're trans or not, and it sounded like just a way to hurt trans people and get away with it. She came up with this wild argument and I just let her "win" because I didn't want to lose her. But I never felt fully safe with her again.
She liked it when I wore makeup, and once her sister told me she liked how I was a "man who was secure in his femininity but didn't feel like I needed to be a woman." (This was literally a month before I left to transition.) D agreed with her sister.
Around four years ago made a new friend at work, a nonbinary person I'll call S, who invited me to play DnD with them and their husband (a trans man) when they quit that job. By the time we'd bee playing for about six months, being around other trans people had reawakened the other parts of me, the parts that were closer to who I really am. I re-realized I was trans through our time together, and they started encouraging me to leave her and be my authentic self.
I left D about four months before our five-year wedding anniversary. She had gone through my phone, found messages between me and S about plans for me leaving and my being trans, and confronted me while I was in the shower. I quickly finished my shower and got out, had a six hour long conversation with her about this and tried to get her to understand. Eventually she just said "But you're not a woman and you never will be!" Without a word, I gathered up some essentials and left for S's house. S and I went back to that house while she was at church on Sunday and grabbed everything I owned, and then went to her mom's house to do the same. D and her whole family were there so I was trying to avoid questions and begging and pleading and crying from not only D, but her mom, sister, and brother to stay and give this trans thing up. I told D that if she wanted me to stay, I'd be staying as her wife and she'd have to accept that. She couldn't. I left.
Over the next couple months we spent a lot of time talking. D was trying to convince me to come back, to fall in love with her again. But I hadn't stopped loving her, I'd just gotten sick of hating myself. I told her that. I told her I wanted nothing more than to come back, but I couldn't do it if it meant going back to wanting to die every time I saw myself in the mirror and hating her briefly every time she "corrected" someone on my gender. I told her if she wanted me back, she'd need to support me in my transition. She still couldn't do it.
The last straw was when Michael Knowles called for the eradication of "transgenderism" (trans people). With that and the hundreds of anti-trans bills being introduced, I was scared. I texted D for comfort and instead got into a whole big argument with her. She kept trying to say the anti-trans bills were a good thing, and when I brought up the Michael Knowles thing she said she'd watched that speech and agreed with him. She said eradicating "transgenderism" would be a good thing. I sent her back a long text about the definition of genocide and how you can't separate "transgenderism" from transgender people, and eradicating "transgenderism" would require eradicating transgender people. We never talked again except about our divorce.
The thing that gets me though is that she's always been very anti-racist and speaks out against prejudice of most other kinds. She just never got it through her head that the same reasons she felt so strongly about that are why she should accept LGBTQIA+ people.
Now, it's been about two years since I left her. I have been on hormones for over a year, and I've never been happier with myself. These two years have been absolute hell in other ways. I have no stability, I lost my job, I've lost friends and family and all kinds of other traumatizing events that would make this post a literal novel. I've been suicidal in the past over stuff a lot smaller than this, but now, in the face of almost overwhelming and crushing despair, I'm still nowhere near that point again. I love myself. I am, for the first time in my life, living for myself.
I now have three wonderful partners (polyamory, they are all fully aware and consent, one of them has four other partners of their own) who love and accept me for who I am, and I love them all so much.
And yet. Despite all of that. Despite the pain D caused me, I still love her. I think I always will. And lately, it seems like all I can think of is the good times. And there were so many good times... I wish I could go back. I want her to love me again. And if she texted me tonight and told me she accepted me, I don't know if I could stay away. And this love I still feel... It's the most painful thing of all.
2024.05.14 12:55 Independent-Fae8003 AITA for being upset with management?
I know this sounds crazy but hear me out.
Roughly a year ago now I found out I was pregnant and told my management at work because I wanted them to be aware and let them know I would no longer be working the c0mb@tive/bariatric side of the building. The hall they kept me on mostly, was a hall with multiple physically aggre$$ive residents and multiple residents who were bariatric size. I do not mean like “plus size” I mean like 400+ pound people who refused to roll so you basically had to make them over with all your weight to change them. Prior to this I worked any where they needed me to but I was not willing to put my baby at risk. Fast forward, I ended up being put on that hall with a passive aggressive note on the schedule saying “do NOT switch.” I said something about being on the one group in the w whole building I refused to work and the RN supervisor said “it’s like that for a reason, we have four I’m not changing it” I said “that’s fine, you can go on ahead and regroup it for three because I’m leaving”. I went to the time clock, clocked out and left. I had not taken report so I was not liable for any residents. I was outside when the DON and the ED called me several times and requested I come back inside to discuss what the issues were. I went against my better judgement and went into the DON’s office. It was a literal disaster of a meeting with them to explain my side of things and why I wouldn’t be working that hall. I’m generally a pretty “let it be” type of person but I was already feeling emotional and over the entire situation. Not to mention this facility has done some pretty f*ked up sht. I ended up losing the baby and let’s just say that was an entire ordeal as well.
Fast forward to tonight, another cna is pregnant and is “nauseous”. They straight up let her leave the facility at 2 in the morning because she’s pregnant and sick. Where was this pity party for me when I was pregnant, willing to work (just not one hall) and not complaining because I was “sick” but because of an actual safety risk??? My anger was misdirected to the coworker a bit I realize that, my anger is more towards management for allowing this to happen in the first place. “Working with four” essentially means we have 25+ residents most of who are total care to 1 cna. So her leaving left us with four which also pssed me off. I’ve worked several times sick, not feeling up to par to keep my coworkers from having a shtty night.
submitted by Independent-Fae8003 to AmIActuallyTheAsshole [link] [comments]
Roughly a year ago now I found out I was pregnant and told my management at work because I wanted them to be aware and let them know I would no longer be working the c0mb@tive/bariatric side of the building. The hall they kept me on mostly, was a hall with multiple physically aggre$$ive residents and multiple residents who were bariatric size. I do not mean like “plus size” I mean like 400+ pound people who refused to roll so you basically had to make them over with all your weight to change them. Prior to this I worked any where they needed me to but I was not willing to put my baby at risk. Fast forward, I ended up being put on that hall with a passive aggressive note on the schedule saying “do NOT switch.” I said something about being on the one group in the w whole building I refused to work and the RN supervisor said “it’s like that for a reason, we have four I’m not changing it” I said “that’s fine, you can go on ahead and regroup it for three because I’m leaving”. I went to the time clock, clocked out and left. I had not taken report so I was not liable for any residents. I was outside when the DON and the ED called me several times and requested I come back inside to discuss what the issues were. I went against my better judgement and went into the DON’s office. It was a literal disaster of a meeting with them to explain my side of things and why I wouldn’t be working that hall. I’m generally a pretty “let it be” type of person but I was already feeling emotional and over the entire situation. Not to mention this facility has done some pretty f*ked up sht. I ended up losing the baby and let’s just say that was an entire ordeal as well.
Fast forward to tonight, another cna is pregnant and is “nauseous”. They straight up let her leave the facility at 2 in the morning because she’s pregnant and sick. Where was this pity party for me when I was pregnant, willing to work (just not one hall) and not complaining because I was “sick” but because of an actual safety risk??? My anger was misdirected to the coworker a bit I realize that, my anger is more towards management for allowing this to happen in the first place. “Working with four” essentially means we have 25+ residents most of who are total care to 1 cna. So her leaving left us with four which also pssed me off. I’ve worked several times sick, not feeling up to par to keep my coworkers from having a shtty night.
2024.05.14 12:55 SilentDrifterOne „I’m sorry that…“
I need to preface two things:
First, I’m not a native English speaker. I’m German (yeah, from the land of beer, Bretzel and no funny jokes). I learned a bit in school (wasn’t good at it) but the most through gaming, music, movies and reading. So this might be just a language thing I don’t (want) to get.
Second, I’m not saying „Don’t say this shit!“. If it works and feels coherent for you have at it. It’s about my reaction to these kinds of phrasings.
Good? Good.
Let’s go!
„I’m sorry this happened to you.“
Oh okay, thanks I guess? What was your part in it? What did you do?
„I’m sorry they did this to you. They shouldn’t have.“
Dam right, they shouldn’t. So what are you sorry about? What did you do?
„I’m sorry you’re going through all this. You deserve better.“
Why am I feeling I need to comfort you and you don’t comfort me.
WTF ARE YOU SORRY ABOUT? YOU DIDN’T DO SHIT!?! YOU WEREN’T THERE!
And what has this to do with deserving anything?
I WAS A CHILD! I COULD NOT DESERVE ANYTHING!
But I NEEDED a shitload of everything. We all did.
Safety, stability, love and care, support, guidance, healthy boundaries, enough to eat, play and more.
Someone who hugs us, says that everything will be alright and that was/is with us every step along the way.
That’s what unconditional love is all about. If you or anyone of us (still) thinks we needed to deserve it, you were set up for failure. As a child it’s a double bind. We couldn’t deserve (meaning „work for it“) anything (not that we still tried anyway), but we needed a whole lot more than we got. If you weren’t loved unconditionally you weren’t loved at all.
In German we have a word. It’s called „fremdschämen“. It means feeling ashamed on behalf of another person which doesn’t feel ashamed or not ashamed enough. When it happens, it happens mostly involuntarily. Maybe you watch a movie and one of the characters does/says something so atrocious/unspeakable/laughable you just have to avoid looking at or hearing it. Or you read/hear of somebody’s experiences, some horrible or sad shit and can really empathize (or so you feel/think) with it. But then you get all hot and bothered and you just. need. to put it. out. there.
„I’m sorry...BLUARRRRRRRG.“ *cough, cough*...*wipes his chin*
That’s „fremdschämen“.
You are not sorry, because there is no reason to be. You didn’t do anything.
You feel ashamed because another person did something or something happened and was totally out of your control and you (still try to) feel one way or the other responsible for it (that’s what children try to do too).
Because somebody has to...right? They never did. But your are not like them, nonono. You carry all the burden and then some. You are not like them. Because what would happen if nobody else felt sorry for that shit? When nobody else would take responsibility for it?
What...would...happen?
I’m not sorry to say I don’t feel comforted or understood by „I’m sorry/I feel sorry...yadayada, blablabla.“.
I just feel angry, livid with it. A part of me just wants to bash your face into a wall.
It feels superficial, fake, empty too.
And my anger is not really about you personally. It’s about the fact that you’re still playing/being the scapegoat, just on another level with a different person (you don’t even know) and it makes my skin crawl.
Don’t feel sorry for me. Try to be (more?) compassionate.
Be sad about it and say that. Be angry on behalf and with me and scream that. Cry with me or for me, even if I can’t/aren’t able to. If you feel joyful share that. If you have nothing to say or don’t know how, write that (or ask). A noble silence (with an expressive face) is also always appreciated. Or maybe just a hug.
But don’t feel sorry ever again for something YOU DIDN’T DO!
They did and should (and won’t).
And I won’t either.
Thank you for reading.
submitted by SilentDrifterOne to CPTSD [link] [comments]
First, I’m not a native English speaker. I’m German (yeah, from the land of beer, Bretzel and no funny jokes). I learned a bit in school (wasn’t good at it) but the most through gaming, music, movies and reading. So this might be just a language thing I don’t (want) to get.
Second, I’m not saying „Don’t say this shit!“. If it works and feels coherent for you have at it. It’s about my reaction to these kinds of phrasings.
Good? Good.
Let’s go!
„I’m sorry this happened to you.“
Oh okay, thanks I guess? What was your part in it? What did you do?
„I’m sorry they did this to you. They shouldn’t have.“
Dam right, they shouldn’t. So what are you sorry about? What did you do?
„I’m sorry you’re going through all this. You deserve better.“
Why am I feeling I need to comfort you and you don’t comfort me.
WTF ARE YOU SORRY ABOUT? YOU DIDN’T DO SHIT!?! YOU WEREN’T THERE!
And what has this to do with deserving anything?
I WAS A CHILD! I COULD NOT DESERVE ANYTHING!
But I NEEDED a shitload of everything. We all did.
Safety, stability, love and care, support, guidance, healthy boundaries, enough to eat, play and more.
Someone who hugs us, says that everything will be alright and that was/is with us every step along the way.
That’s what unconditional love is all about. If you or anyone of us (still) thinks we needed to deserve it, you were set up for failure. As a child it’s a double bind. We couldn’t deserve (meaning „work for it“) anything (not that we still tried anyway), but we needed a whole lot more than we got. If you weren’t loved unconditionally you weren’t loved at all.
In German we have a word. It’s called „fremdschämen“. It means feeling ashamed on behalf of another person which doesn’t feel ashamed or not ashamed enough. When it happens, it happens mostly involuntarily. Maybe you watch a movie and one of the characters does/says something so atrocious/unspeakable/laughable you just have to avoid looking at or hearing it. Or you read/hear of somebody’s experiences, some horrible or sad shit and can really empathize (or so you feel/think) with it. But then you get all hot and bothered and you just. need. to put it. out. there.
„I’m sorry...BLUARRRRRRRG.“ *cough, cough*...*wipes his chin*
That’s „fremdschämen“.
You are not sorry, because there is no reason to be. You didn’t do anything.
You feel ashamed because another person did something or something happened and was totally out of your control and you (still try to) feel one way or the other responsible for it (that’s what children try to do too).
Because somebody has to...right? They never did. But your are not like them, nonono. You carry all the burden and then some. You are not like them. Because what would happen if nobody else felt sorry for that shit? When nobody else would take responsibility for it?
What...would...happen?
I’m not sorry to say I don’t feel comforted or understood by „I’m sorry/I feel sorry...yadayada, blablabla.“.
I just feel angry, livid with it. A part of me just wants to bash your face into a wall.
It feels superficial, fake, empty too.
And my anger is not really about you personally. It’s about the fact that you’re still playing/being the scapegoat, just on another level with a different person (you don’t even know) and it makes my skin crawl.
Don’t feel sorry for me. Try to be (more?) compassionate.
Be sad about it and say that. Be angry on behalf and with me and scream that. Cry with me or for me, even if I can’t/aren’t able to. If you feel joyful share that. If you have nothing to say or don’t know how, write that (or ask). A noble silence (with an expressive face) is also always appreciated. Or maybe just a hug.
But don’t feel sorry ever again for something YOU DIDN’T DO!
They did and should (and won’t).
And I won’t either.
Thank you for reading.
2024.05.14 12:55 Hot_Bandicoot_3839 How to Convert RAW to NTFS Format Without Losing Data?
 | https://preview.redd.it/eks0x6cjgd0d1.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=1308983c2fa17502e258f3f11a75aaf0fe71a6b7 submitted by Hot_Bandicoot_3839 to datarevivalsquad [link] [comments] When you try to copy or view a file from a memory card you put into your computer, have you ever discovered it's unreadable? Any file system on memory cards, USB drives, external HDD drives, storage devices, and even internal drives might experience this regrettable circumstance. Your circumstances may make this inability to obtain that info disastrous. When a partition becomes RAW, for whatever reason, you cannot access the data on your drive and it won't be useful until you format it. For you to obtain that data, you must therefore act. Using a data recovery program on Windows or macOS is one such way to succeed. RAW partitionIt's critical to know what a RAW partition is before we discuss recovering lost data. Said another way, a RAW partition is one that has not been formatted using the file system that the computer is using.It's never really out of the box with removable USB devices and memory cards. If you put an SD card into one computer and it reads it correctly, the next computer may not be able to comprehend the file system structure and may destroy the partition layout, making that device inaccessible. Almost always, you've just taken out that USB device or memory card without first letting the operating system securely remove it. “ The file systems most Windows computers use, for instance, are FAT12, FAT16, FAT32, NTFS, or NTFS5. Conversely, macOS supports NTFS solely in read-only mode and uses APFS, HFS+, FAT32, and exFAT. Linux systems use XFS, BTRFS, reiser, ext3, ext4, and more. Sometimes the file system type of a device formatted in one platform can be read by another. Regretfully, there is no assurance here. You will therefore likely be told the disk was unreadable by the computer when you try to read, say, an SD card formatted with the ext4 file system on a MacBook Pro. The important thing is that Initialize option. It is telling us, in other words, that the card is not formatted so that the computer can read it. While clicking Initialize will undoubtedly remove all of the data on the device, it is still an option. Can I Get My Data Back from a RAW Partition?The excellent news is that data lost or unavailable from a RAW partition can be recovered. Occasionally all that has to be done is plug the disk (or SD card) in issue into the computer that was originally used to generate the files and folders on the device. After that, you can format the card to a file system the target computer can read, copy the data back, and insert the card into the target machine.You will have to fix the damage and retrieve the data on the disk if you can no longer access the original machine (or one with a comparable file system) or if the reason isn't incompatibility between your operating system and the current file system. What Use Is Converting RAW to NTFS?Said another way, if your data is kept on a RAW partition, you cannot access it. NTFS and other file systems serve the purpose of logically storing your data for simple retrieval when needed. Your data without a file system is just a disjointed mess that is almost impossible to discover anything.Computers locate and access your data through file systems, hence a RAW disk will not be accessible. Its contents might still be there, but without a functional file system, it will be unusable. Converting RAW to NTFS Without Data LossConverting a RAW partition to NTFS without losing the data on it is possible in just one way. You need CheckDisk for that.The Windows utility CheckDisk looks for logical and physical problems in the volumes of your drive. If you need to convert RAW to NTFS without losing data, it can even fix any issues it finds with extra settings. Because CheckDisk might be able to identify and fix the damage keeping the volume from reading properly, we're utilizing it. Using CheckDisk's Command Prompt, convert a RAW drive to NTFS as follows:
Recovery of Data from a RAW PartitionSometimes the RAW partition cannot be fixed by CheckDisk or Disk Utility without causing data loss. Before manually converting the RAW partition back to NTFS, you should recover your data in such a situation.You can recover your data using the following techniques before fixing the malfunctioning drive. Method 1 :- Recover With BLR ToolsA few fast clicks using BLR BitLocker Partition Data Recovery Tool can allow you to recover data from a RAW partition. And you can find the files you need fast with BLR Tools's useful features like file filters. Furthermore, something the command line cannot achieve, BLR Tools adds Guaranteed Recovery and Recovery Vault data protection techniques to the mix.Proceed as follows to recover files from a RAW partition:
Method 2 :- Try TestDisk to RecoverUse TestDisk to recover the whole partition. Restoring missing or lost partitions is the goal of the open-source recovery program TestDisk. Not to mention totally free. Its absence of a graphical user interface makes it difficult for novices to utilize. Still, you may quickly recover your lost partition by following the detailed methods.This is a little video demonstrating how TestDisk can recover a lost partition:
Method 3 :- Recovering with a Data Recovery CentreSometimes data recovery is still not possible with even sophisticated recovery software. Alternatively, you could merely feel uneasy trying to retrieve the info on your own. Still, there is the choice to use a data recovery facility.To complete the task, a data recovery center hires data recovery experts with sophisticated knowledge of file recovery and equipment of the highest calibre. The most successful approach to recovery is frequently to use a data recovery facility, but it is also the most expensive. What to anticipate generally if you decide to use a data recovery service to recover your data is as follows:
Techniques for NTFS Conversion of RAWIt is now time to consider drive repair after data recovery. Generally speaking, once you are not concerned about losing your data, repairing a RAW partition is really simple. It only means replacing the broken or incompatible file system with a fresh one during formatting.These solutions will walk you through configuring a disk and converting a RAW hard drive to NTFS. Method 1:- Method with File ExplorerOne of the simplest methods, formatting a drive with File Explorer just requires a few clicks. As you are ready to complete the format, just click Restore device defaults if you are not sure what values to use.
Method 2:- Format using Disk ManagementA Windows program called Disk Management lets you examine and modify the storage disks on your computer. It provides an overview of the data allocations and general health of your disks. One can format their drives with it as well.
Method 3:- Presentation with DiskPartThough it manages the storage drives on your computer through a command-line interface, DiskPart is a potent command interpreter. Should File Explorer and Disk Management prove ineffective for you, this is a helpful alternative.
By now you're undoubtedly thinking, "How can I keep a partition from going RAW?" That raises a really interesting issue. Ultimately, you want to avoid having to perform RAW partition recovery each time you plug in an external HDD, USB flash drive, or SD card into your computer. Thankfully, you have a few options to lessen the likelihood of this happening. Never take out a USB drive or SD card without first "Safely removing" it with the built-in feature on your computer. A RAW partition is likely if you just remove the drive without letting your operating system safely unmount or eject the device. As widely used a file system as you can, format your drives with. Almost all operating systems can read the file systems FAT32 and NTFS, hence those are excellent options. NTFS is read-only on macOS, which is one issue; FAT32 is always your better choice. Choosing one of these file systems should leave you with no issues with your platform of choice needing to start a drive or just not being able to read it. Put your machine to a proper shutdown. Processes on your computer may be interrupted by sudden power outage. The corruption of your file system may follow from this. Avoid forcing a shutdown of your computer whenever possible. See how your disk is doing. You can get early warning of any possible problems your drive may run into by using a disk monitoring program that can read the SMART data on your drive. You can stop additional damage by acting right away as problems arise. Naturally, a drive can still turn RAW at any time even with all of this done. Thus, you should regularly backup your data so that a secure duplicate is always accessible if you want to really protect it from such an occurrence. Easy to configure and maintain snapshot copies of your data so you can even restore to a prior version if necessary, built-in Windows backup solutions like File History are a fantastic option. ConclusionA RAW partition or drive can be avoided really easily. Know, nevertheless, that you have the resources to handle the situation if it should come up. Data recovery from RAW drive or partition is highly likely with BLR Tools. If in doubt, run BLR Tools's free Basic edition through your RAW drive or partition. Get the Pro license and safely restore your inaccessible data if BLR Tools can locate it. |
2024.05.14 12:53 Embarrassed_Eye_2832 AITA for making my family open my door?
Throwaway for privacy, I'll try to be as transparent as possible because it's plain bizarre and is upsetting me.
I'm 34F. For years my rule for my house has been "knock, and then come in". I have that in place for two reasons: 1. My house is a weird sound trap. Unless I am sat on the sofa in the living room, I cannot hear people knocking. It has become a source of humour for my parcel guy because whenever I order something I include the delivery instruction "bang on the door like it slagged off your mum". He thinks it's hysterical. 2. I have AuDHD. This means thatI massively struggle with task-switching. If I am loading the dishwasher and someone knocks on the door, it can take me all day to get back to where I was in my day or routine (if at all). I also work from home, this means that I could be interrupting important / time-sensitive tasks. Having people knock & let themselves in means that I can complete whatever I'm focusing on, which is much less stressful for me.
This has been a longstanding rule that has not caused any drama up until now. My sister (32F) has decided that this rule does not apply to her - she will knock and stand at the door. My shouting "it's open" or saying "just come in" does nothing, nor does my explaining why I have the rule. I am baffled as to why this is a problem, she has let herself in in the past, & shes why I have this rule in place (shes twice screamed in my face because I "left her on the doorstep" & was "ignoring her").
Sunday I messaged & asked if she wanted to come over Monday. "OK I might, depends how tired I am. Think I'm ill :(". I sad-react, & don't hear from her. 11am Monday there's a knock at the door. I am mid-discussion with managers on Teams, I say "hang on, someone at my door", & pop them on mute. It's my sister. She says hi, marches into my living room, I say "why did you not just let yourself in?", & she begins screaming at me that she's "not having this argument" with me, that she's "too sick to deal with this shit". She storms out, and I've had enough so I message our family group chat stating that you can let yourself into my home or you can stand on the doorstep until time and tide take you, because this is an accommodation for my disability and I'm sick of having literally the only boundary I have be disrespected.
Dad & Sis are now calling me an asshole cos "it's just so wrong to violate somebody else's private space without being expressly invited in". I said "I have expressly invited you in. I have created a permanent easement/egress into my home". I have offered compromises such as a sign or the "it's open" thing, both went unacknowledged. Stepmum is on my side but thinks I need to "give everyone time", & I'm frustrated cos this has not been an issue until now.
Am I the AH?? At this point I have no clue. I'm not great at enforcing boundaries, but I feel like I can't let this go.
submitted by Embarrassed_Eye_2832 to AmItheAsshole [link] [comments]
I'm 34F. For years my rule for my house has been "knock, and then come in". I have that in place for two reasons: 1. My house is a weird sound trap. Unless I am sat on the sofa in the living room, I cannot hear people knocking. It has become a source of humour for my parcel guy because whenever I order something I include the delivery instruction "bang on the door like it slagged off your mum". He thinks it's hysterical. 2. I have AuDHD. This means thatI massively struggle with task-switching. If I am loading the dishwasher and someone knocks on the door, it can take me all day to get back to where I was in my day or routine (if at all). I also work from home, this means that I could be interrupting important / time-sensitive tasks. Having people knock & let themselves in means that I can complete whatever I'm focusing on, which is much less stressful for me.
This has been a longstanding rule that has not caused any drama up until now. My sister (32F) has decided that this rule does not apply to her - she will knock and stand at the door. My shouting "it's open" or saying "just come in" does nothing, nor does my explaining why I have the rule. I am baffled as to why this is a problem, she has let herself in in the past, & shes why I have this rule in place (shes twice screamed in my face because I "left her on the doorstep" & was "ignoring her").
Sunday I messaged & asked if she wanted to come over Monday. "OK I might, depends how tired I am. Think I'm ill :(". I sad-react, & don't hear from her. 11am Monday there's a knock at the door. I am mid-discussion with managers on Teams, I say "hang on, someone at my door", & pop them on mute. It's my sister. She says hi, marches into my living room, I say "why did you not just let yourself in?", & she begins screaming at me that she's "not having this argument" with me, that she's "too sick to deal with this shit". She storms out, and I've had enough so I message our family group chat stating that you can let yourself into my home or you can stand on the doorstep until time and tide take you, because this is an accommodation for my disability and I'm sick of having literally the only boundary I have be disrespected.
Dad & Sis are now calling me an asshole cos "it's just so wrong to violate somebody else's private space without being expressly invited in". I said "I have expressly invited you in. I have created a permanent easement/egress into my home". I have offered compromises such as a sign or the "it's open" thing, both went unacknowledged. Stepmum is on my side but thinks I need to "give everyone time", & I'm frustrated cos this has not been an issue until now.
Am I the AH?? At this point I have no clue. I'm not great at enforcing boundaries, but I feel like I can't let this go.
2024.05.14 12:50 theashtraygirl27 I'm just looking for advice. Am I (20F) wrong for having a reaction every time my bf (19M) is doing something I told him will hurt me or upset me?
Before u read, this will be bunch of informations that are barely connected, it's poorly written, I'm not claiming to have done nothing wrong I just need someone to share my situation with and maybe seek some advice.
Me (F20) have been dating my bf (M19) for almost two years. For background : we went to same school and I used to be his long-term hallway crush, but he seemed shy so I made a first move. In the beginning, like every relationship goes, I could brag about how perfectly he's treating me if anyone asked, and, having sh1tty situations in payt with ex and situationship I was over the moon to have someone treat me so gentle.
Before we started dating, he knew I have an ex of over two years, he knew I had two boys being my very dear friends and I told him, as he has no lady friends, that if he expects me to remove one guy especially it wont work and he agreed that he won't be expecting of me to cut off my friends for him with no hesitation. Guy friend in question is kinda boy who sees to opposite gender besties and if someone says they'd be cute couple he'd act as if it's actual inc3st and we never saw each other any other way then friends. At the prom, same guy friend cried for two hours because he thought I didn't have good time because my crush kissed another girl, but honestly I had the great time when i saw how much he cared for me.
My byofriend also, before dating me, without me asking or saying anything said "I'll remove all woman from my life when I have u" aka girls from school that are people he doesn't talk to enough to call them friends but there is some contact between them. I was confused because I didn't plan on asking him to as I have guy friends but i felt respected.
It all ended up the exact opposite, I did remove my friend who i still miss to this day because my boyfriend was overly jealous. On his side : girls from school started to pick up on him and when he told me about it, I sensed bullying and told him to block them because they're being pretty annoying and he, kidd u not, asked "do i have to?" so brought up him saying he'd remove anyone for me and he did after days of arguing and me crying because it's the opposite of our agreement before dating. It wasn't even jealousy on my side and he didn't want to block them because he thought they'd ask why and he'd be uncomfortable but... He made a promise that he didn't keep.
Year later he broke up with me partly because i wasn't "pure"/ I have an ex and partly because of how bad my mood swings were (I had 3 doctors diagnosing me with severe depression and was almost hospitalized at the time I was "moody" ).
That breakup had me getting even worse because he was the guy to say "I'm so scared you'll leave me" "if you stay I stay" "i hope we're forever" I didn't know forever meant one year but the breakup was only 2 weeks long, had me suffering for over a month before he actually broke up because he took it very very slow. I slept 15 minutes a day and i wish i was being metaphoric, waiting for him to decide weather he'll stay or not. I did everything I could, my ocd gets worse in stressful situations and my brain telling me "if you do this, that will happen, if you don't, that will happen" all day every day, but I obviously did everything it told me to do to keep him and he still left and ruined us for 2 weeks of separation.
Note : If someone tells you they have something going on and they can't change it, don't come in their life trying to force a change, weather it's friendship you might not like or mental disorder out of their control, please.
After we got back together : - I told him i spent time home in group chat with two of my girls and some of their friends and random boy we found where we played "guess what I drew" because i couldn't leave bed and couldn't sleep, he got jealous at that random boy and made me feel bad for doing something while not being in a relationship. (I didn't flirt, we didn't talk in private chat, we just played and he was also aroace.)
While we were on breakup I also reached out to my guy friend and he is doing amazing, enjoying life and was happy I contacted him but my boyfriend made me cut him off, again. Tho, his sister best friend (girl) is buying him gifts, sleeping over at their place in room him and his sister are sharing but why would I be jealous? In fact, I'm not, I like that girl more then I like his family.
Anyway, it was last summer, when he asked me to be his girlfriend again I told him that I'll need time to heal, prepared him for the fact that I will bring up stuff he did before we broke up because I'm still hurt, and he'll need to be extra patient and gentle and he agreed, but instead, every time I talked about pain breakup caused because I wasn't over it, he'd yell at me so i tried to bottle it all up.
In past few months, everything I tell him will hurt me he'll find a way to do it, even if it's something he didn't have in mind, if i told him fictionally it'll hurt me so he knows, he'll do it, and when I confront him about it he'd focus on my reaction saying "are u being fr?" (Like I didn't warn him.) or "stop making me angrier I'm stressed" ( Like I'm not, also, stressed.)
Every time he does something i asked him not to, if I had a reaction it would turn into hours long fight and after making me a bad guy for reacting, he'd play a victim saying I misunderstood, it's all in my head ect. Well i started to tell my friend about our fights or I'd ask AI making "story" to see situation from someone else's perspective because I was tired of being told it's all in my head and it's on daily basis.
He recently started to pick up on my traits of ocd or autism that I also have diagnosed and told him about before he asked me out.
This was my overreaction, I agree, but I'm aware and I didn't ask to be this way; He gave me his hoodie so I'll sit in bus ( it was so dirty and I'd rather be standing, but he wanted me to sit with him and offered a hoodie which was nice. ) when we got to my place laundry dryer fell and put his hoodie on my, just day before, washed rug so i can have free hands to pick up the laundry, he picked hoodie up, angry that i left it on a floor for hot minute, immediately and put it on my bed where I sleep. I threw it right away and started crying because I'm extremely germophobic and had flashbacks from how dirty the bus was, he wanted to go home because i was acting too crazy and I know it's too much of a reaction on my side but I'd rather be like that then like people with no basic hygiene. He started asking "are you going to be this way forever?" And pressuring me to answer, then he told me I'm the only person in whole world behaving like this, like I don't know it's too much, I know it, my ocd is taking over my time and my life, my rituals are anxiously long, my fear of being dirty makes me unable to function through out the day, I have it hard already without someone putting a pressure on it, my doctor refused to treat me even tho I told him it takes at least 2 hours after I go to bed to re-do all my rituals so I can sleep without feer and I still end up waking up few times in one night, I know it's not normal bruh that's why it's a disorder lol, I never claimed it was normal but how can I just get it out of my body, I feel like crazy disgusting creature with zero rights to live because of what he says every time I have a" moment ".
He also doesn't fail to make me feel guilty for not paying attention to my tone when speaking or my facial expressions or my sensory sensitivity like it's all my fault, asking when will I stop being like this and that it's just me being like this, that no one else is this hard to deal with.
I love him and he's making me hate my existence, my flaws, things I can't change about myself, what am I supposed to do about it? Therapy in this country isn't much of help. I feel so guilty oftenly for being the way I am and I didn't even list half of the things.
He also makes me feel guilty for him giving me his time, when we have plans for a day but we spend that day with him always being in rush to go back home and him complaining how he didn't have to do A B and C because he "had to see me" like he doesn't even want to see me. (Same boy who said, over year ago " I can't stand seeing you only four hours a day I wish to be around you all the time".
We're fighting every day and every day it's something I asked him not to do but he still did and it always ends up with me being just too angry all the time and him doing nothing wrong.
He doesn't communicate well, he's messages contains 2-3 words and when I understand what he wrote instead of what he "meant" it's my fault. I warned him more then year ago that if I keep trying to explain in 5 different ways my point of view while he doesn't even explains his with valid sentence I'll give up on talking.
He's "explanation" goes like this : If i ask for two plus two he'll say the fishes brethe air - not only is the explanation wrong in general but it never has anything to do with my question. Like dudes that cheat and excause is that his grandma died, you get it?
Now, I'm so tired that when I try to tell him what's wrong, when he starts to be self defensive I block him because I can't take it anymore, I now can't communicate because I know how it'll end up anyway and it lost it's meaning. I'm turning out toxic but I'm tired, my soul is tired while his soul is rotting.
It hurts watching my sweet boy turning into such an ignorant and pathetic person. I started to think he has npd.
It seems like only solution is for me to stop reacting and to bottle everything up, but that's not relationship I want. I don't want to pretend I'm fine when I'm not, I don't want to keep masking around my own partner just for the sake of his ego because that guy can't stand being told he did something wrong and it takes hours of justifying, self-defense and victim role for him to actually say sorry without even understanding why he should be apologizing for.
TLDR : I (20f) am dating my bf (19m) who's only ever focused on my reaction when he's mistreating me then the reason why I reacted.
submitted by theashtraygirl27 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
Me (F20) have been dating my bf (M19) for almost two years. For background : we went to same school and I used to be his long-term hallway crush, but he seemed shy so I made a first move. In the beginning, like every relationship goes, I could brag about how perfectly he's treating me if anyone asked, and, having sh1tty situations in payt with ex and situationship I was over the moon to have someone treat me so gentle.
Before we started dating, he knew I have an ex of over two years, he knew I had two boys being my very dear friends and I told him, as he has no lady friends, that if he expects me to remove one guy especially it wont work and he agreed that he won't be expecting of me to cut off my friends for him with no hesitation. Guy friend in question is kinda boy who sees to opposite gender besties and if someone says they'd be cute couple he'd act as if it's actual inc3st and we never saw each other any other way then friends. At the prom, same guy friend cried for two hours because he thought I didn't have good time because my crush kissed another girl, but honestly I had the great time when i saw how much he cared for me.
My byofriend also, before dating me, without me asking or saying anything said "I'll remove all woman from my life when I have u" aka girls from school that are people he doesn't talk to enough to call them friends but there is some contact between them. I was confused because I didn't plan on asking him to as I have guy friends but i felt respected.
It all ended up the exact opposite, I did remove my friend who i still miss to this day because my boyfriend was overly jealous. On his side : girls from school started to pick up on him and when he told me about it, I sensed bullying and told him to block them because they're being pretty annoying and he, kidd u not, asked "do i have to?" so brought up him saying he'd remove anyone for me and he did after days of arguing and me crying because it's the opposite of our agreement before dating. It wasn't even jealousy on my side and he didn't want to block them because he thought they'd ask why and he'd be uncomfortable but... He made a promise that he didn't keep.
Year later he broke up with me partly because i wasn't "pure"/ I have an ex and partly because of how bad my mood swings were (I had 3 doctors diagnosing me with severe depression and was almost hospitalized at the time I was "moody" ).
That breakup had me getting even worse because he was the guy to say "I'm so scared you'll leave me" "if you stay I stay" "i hope we're forever" I didn't know forever meant one year but the breakup was only 2 weeks long, had me suffering for over a month before he actually broke up because he took it very very slow. I slept 15 minutes a day and i wish i was being metaphoric, waiting for him to decide weather he'll stay or not. I did everything I could, my ocd gets worse in stressful situations and my brain telling me "if you do this, that will happen, if you don't, that will happen" all day every day, but I obviously did everything it told me to do to keep him and he still left and ruined us for 2 weeks of separation.
Note : If someone tells you they have something going on and they can't change it, don't come in their life trying to force a change, weather it's friendship you might not like or mental disorder out of their control, please.
After we got back together : - I told him i spent time home in group chat with two of my girls and some of their friends and random boy we found where we played "guess what I drew" because i couldn't leave bed and couldn't sleep, he got jealous at that random boy and made me feel bad for doing something while not being in a relationship. (I didn't flirt, we didn't talk in private chat, we just played and he was also aroace.)
While we were on breakup I also reached out to my guy friend and he is doing amazing, enjoying life and was happy I contacted him but my boyfriend made me cut him off, again. Tho, his sister best friend (girl) is buying him gifts, sleeping over at their place in room him and his sister are sharing but why would I be jealous? In fact, I'm not, I like that girl more then I like his family.
Anyway, it was last summer, when he asked me to be his girlfriend again I told him that I'll need time to heal, prepared him for the fact that I will bring up stuff he did before we broke up because I'm still hurt, and he'll need to be extra patient and gentle and he agreed, but instead, every time I talked about pain breakup caused because I wasn't over it, he'd yell at me so i tried to bottle it all up.
In past few months, everything I tell him will hurt me he'll find a way to do it, even if it's something he didn't have in mind, if i told him fictionally it'll hurt me so he knows, he'll do it, and when I confront him about it he'd focus on my reaction saying "are u being fr?" (Like I didn't warn him.) or "stop making me angrier I'm stressed" ( Like I'm not, also, stressed.)
Every time he does something i asked him not to, if I had a reaction it would turn into hours long fight and after making me a bad guy for reacting, he'd play a victim saying I misunderstood, it's all in my head ect. Well i started to tell my friend about our fights or I'd ask AI making "story" to see situation from someone else's perspective because I was tired of being told it's all in my head and it's on daily basis.
He recently started to pick up on my traits of ocd or autism that I also have diagnosed and told him about before he asked me out.
This was my overreaction, I agree, but I'm aware and I didn't ask to be this way; He gave me his hoodie so I'll sit in bus ( it was so dirty and I'd rather be standing, but he wanted me to sit with him and offered a hoodie which was nice. ) when we got to my place laundry dryer fell and put his hoodie on my, just day before, washed rug so i can have free hands to pick up the laundry, he picked hoodie up, angry that i left it on a floor for hot minute, immediately and put it on my bed where I sleep. I threw it right away and started crying because I'm extremely germophobic and had flashbacks from how dirty the bus was, he wanted to go home because i was acting too crazy and I know it's too much of a reaction on my side but I'd rather be like that then like people with no basic hygiene. He started asking "are you going to be this way forever?" And pressuring me to answer, then he told me I'm the only person in whole world behaving like this, like I don't know it's too much, I know it, my ocd is taking over my time and my life, my rituals are anxiously long, my fear of being dirty makes me unable to function through out the day, I have it hard already without someone putting a pressure on it, my doctor refused to treat me even tho I told him it takes at least 2 hours after I go to bed to re-do all my rituals so I can sleep without feer and I still end up waking up few times in one night, I know it's not normal bruh that's why it's a disorder lol, I never claimed it was normal but how can I just get it out of my body, I feel like crazy disgusting creature with zero rights to live because of what he says every time I have a" moment ".
He also doesn't fail to make me feel guilty for not paying attention to my tone when speaking or my facial expressions or my sensory sensitivity like it's all my fault, asking when will I stop being like this and that it's just me being like this, that no one else is this hard to deal with.
I love him and he's making me hate my existence, my flaws, things I can't change about myself, what am I supposed to do about it? Therapy in this country isn't much of help. I feel so guilty oftenly for being the way I am and I didn't even list half of the things.
He also makes me feel guilty for him giving me his time, when we have plans for a day but we spend that day with him always being in rush to go back home and him complaining how he didn't have to do A B and C because he "had to see me" like he doesn't even want to see me. (Same boy who said, over year ago " I can't stand seeing you only four hours a day I wish to be around you all the time".
We're fighting every day and every day it's something I asked him not to do but he still did and it always ends up with me being just too angry all the time and him doing nothing wrong.
He doesn't communicate well, he's messages contains 2-3 words and when I understand what he wrote instead of what he "meant" it's my fault. I warned him more then year ago that if I keep trying to explain in 5 different ways my point of view while he doesn't even explains his with valid sentence I'll give up on talking.
He's "explanation" goes like this : If i ask for two plus two he'll say the fishes brethe air - not only is the explanation wrong in general but it never has anything to do with my question. Like dudes that cheat and excause is that his grandma died, you get it?
Now, I'm so tired that when I try to tell him what's wrong, when he starts to be self defensive I block him because I can't take it anymore, I now can't communicate because I know how it'll end up anyway and it lost it's meaning. I'm turning out toxic but I'm tired, my soul is tired while his soul is rotting.
It hurts watching my sweet boy turning into such an ignorant and pathetic person. I started to think he has npd.
It seems like only solution is for me to stop reacting and to bottle everything up, but that's not relationship I want. I don't want to pretend I'm fine when I'm not, I don't want to keep masking around my own partner just for the sake of his ego because that guy can't stand being told he did something wrong and it takes hours of justifying, self-defense and victim role for him to actually say sorry without even understanding why he should be apologizing for.
TLDR : I (20f) am dating my bf (19m) who's only ever focused on my reaction when he's mistreating me then the reason why I reacted.
2024.05.14 12:48 pbj800100 Should i switch gyms? Not getting a lot of coaching
I'm having a dilemma and seeking opinions as a beginner weightlifter. I've been weightlifting at my local crossfit gym for about 1.5 years. When i realized i wanted to focus on weightlifting i made massive gains but i'm still super weak (went from not being able to OHS the bar to snatching around 45kg).
I've been tossing up switching to a proper weightlifting gym. My current crossfit gym has certified weightlifting instructors and some amazing lifters who compete. But i feel like overall i'm not getting enough coaching. I train weightlifting specificly 5 times a week, but there's limited weightlifting classes a week, so a lot of what i do is uncoached in open gym. Then some classes i feel like my coach doesn't even watch me. Rather than pointing out anything that i'm doing wrong, the coaches are more motivators and will just say 'oh so close! Go again!' I have to keep asking for help or to be watched which of course isnt a problem, but it feels like a good coach should be initiating?
The other gym i'm looking at is actually for weightlifting so there's multiple classes per day, meaning there would at least always be a coach present. I''m wondering what experience most people have with coaching and what level of help i should expect to get. Maybe i'm hoping for too much in a class and this sort of thing you only get with personal training?
Is the fact that my coach doesnt really give pointers unless i ask normal? Would you expect your coach to be a lot more engaged in a class of maybe 10-12 lifters? Is switching even worth it when i'm still such a beginner anyway? I feel like ive really stalled with my lifts now and it's frustrating. I haven't been able to PB since last year... i know that's normal for experienced lifters but i feel like i'm doing something wrong when i can't consistently lift 40kg after many months.
Btw - it would be an obvious choice to move but the other gym is much farther away AND much more expensive, so i just am wondering if this is a case of 'the grass is always greener' or if it sounds like my current gym is actually lacking. Thanks for reading my long ramble!!
submitted by pbj800100 to weightlifting [link] [comments]
I've been tossing up switching to a proper weightlifting gym. My current crossfit gym has certified weightlifting instructors and some amazing lifters who compete. But i feel like overall i'm not getting enough coaching. I train weightlifting specificly 5 times a week, but there's limited weightlifting classes a week, so a lot of what i do is uncoached in open gym. Then some classes i feel like my coach doesn't even watch me. Rather than pointing out anything that i'm doing wrong, the coaches are more motivators and will just say 'oh so close! Go again!' I have to keep asking for help or to be watched which of course isnt a problem, but it feels like a good coach should be initiating?
The other gym i'm looking at is actually for weightlifting so there's multiple classes per day, meaning there would at least always be a coach present. I''m wondering what experience most people have with coaching and what level of help i should expect to get. Maybe i'm hoping for too much in a class and this sort of thing you only get with personal training?
Is the fact that my coach doesnt really give pointers unless i ask normal? Would you expect your coach to be a lot more engaged in a class of maybe 10-12 lifters? Is switching even worth it when i'm still such a beginner anyway? I feel like ive really stalled with my lifts now and it's frustrating. I haven't been able to PB since last year... i know that's normal for experienced lifters but i feel like i'm doing something wrong when i can't consistently lift 40kg after many months.
Btw - it would be an obvious choice to move but the other gym is much farther away AND much more expensive, so i just am wondering if this is a case of 'the grass is always greener' or if it sounds like my current gym is actually lacking. Thanks for reading my long ramble!!
2024.05.14 12:45 theashtraygirl27 I just need any advice on this sinking ship he's calling relationship.
Before u read, this will be bunch of informations that are barely connected, it's poorly written, I'm not claiming to have done nothing wrong I just need someone to share my situation with and maybe seek some advice.
Me (F20) have been dating my bf (M19) for almost two years. For background : we went to same school and I used to be his long-term hallway crush, but he seemed shy so I made a first move. In the beginning, like every relationship goes, I could brag about how perfectly he's treating me if anyone asked, and, having sh1tty situations in payt with ex and situationship I was over the moon to have someone treat me so gentle.
Before we started dating, he knew I have an ex of over two years, he knew I had two boys being my very dear friends and I told him, as he has no lady friends, that if he expects me to remove one guy especially it wont work and he agreed that he won't be expecting of me to cut off my friends for him with no hesitation. Guy friend in question is kinda boy who sees to opposite gender besties and if someone says they'd be cute couple he'd act as if it's actual inc3st and we never saw each other any other way then friends. At the prom, same guy friend cried for two hours because he thought I didn't have good time because my crush kissed another girl, but honestly I had the great time when i saw how much he cared for me.
My byofriend also, before dating me, without me asking or saying anything said "I'll remove all woman from my life when I have u" aka girls from school that are people he doesn't talk to enough to call them friends but there is some contact between them. I was confused because I didn't plan on asking him to as I have guy friends but i felt respected.
It all ended up the exact opposite, I did remove my friend who i still miss to this day because my boyfriend was overly jealous. On his side : girls from school started to pick up on him and when he told me about it, I sensed bullying and told him to block them because they're being pretty annoying and he, kidd u not, asked "do i have to?" so brought up him saying he'd remove anyone for me and he did after days of arguing and me crying because it's the opposite of our agreement before dating. It wasn't even jealousy on my side and he didn't want to block them because he thought they'd ask why and he'd be uncomfortable but... He made a promise that he didn't keep.
Year later he broke up with me partly because i wasn't "pure"/ I have an ex and partly because of how bad my mood swings were (I had 3 doctors diagnosing me with severe depression and was almost hospitalized at the time I was "moody" ).
That breakup had me getting even worse because he was the guy to say "I'm so scared you'll leave me" "if you stay I stay" "i hope we're forever" I didn't know forever meant one year but the breakup was only 2 weeks long, had me suffering for over a month before he actually broke up because he took it very very slow. I slept 15 minutes a day and i wish i was being metaphoric, waiting for him to decide weather he'll stay or not. I did everything I could, my ocd gets worse in stressful situations and my brain telling me "if you do this, that will happen, if you don't, that will happen" all day every day, but I obviously did everything it told me to do to keep him and he still left and ruined us for 2 weeks of separation.
Note : If someone tells you they have something going on and they can't change it, don't come in their life trying to force a change, weather it's friendship you might not like or mental disorder out of their control, please.
After we got back together : - I told him i spent time home in group chat with two of my girls and some of their friends and random boy we found where we played "guess what I drew" because i couldn't leave bed and couldn't sleep, he got jealous at that random boy and made me feel bad for doing something while not being in a relationship. (I didn't flirt, we didn't talk in private chat, we just played and he was also aroace.)
While we were on breakup I also reached out to my guy friend and he is doing amazing, enjoying life and was happy I contacted him but my boyfriend made me cut him off, again. Tho, his sister best friend (girl) is buying him gifts, sleeping over at their place in room him and his sister are sharing but why would I be jealous? In fact, I'm not, I like that girl more then I like his family.
Anyway, it was last summer, when he asked me to be his girlfriend again I told him that I'll need time to heal, prepared him for the fact that I will bring up stuff he did before we broke up because I'm still hurt, and he'll need to be extra patient and gentle and he agreed, but instead, every time I talked about pain breakup caused because I wasn't over it, he'd yell at me so i tried to bottle it all up.
In past few months, everything I tell him will hurt me he'll find a way to do it, even if it's something he didn't have in mind, if i told him fictionally it'll hurt me so he knows, he'll do it, and when I confront him about it he'd focus on my reaction saying "are u being fr?" (Like I didn't warn him.) or "stop making me angrier I'm stressed" ( Like I'm not, also, stressed.)
Every time he does something i asked him not to, if I had a reaction it would turn into hours long fight and after making me a bad guy for reacting, he'd play a victim saying I misunderstood, it's all in my head ect. Well i started to tell my friend about our fights or I'd ask AI making "story" to see situation from someone else's perspective because I was tired of being told it's all in my head and it's on daily basis.
He recently started to pick up on my traits of ocd or autism that I also have diagnosed and told him about before he asked me out.
This was my overreaction, I agree, but I'm aware and I didn't ask to be this way; He gave me his hoodie so I'll sit in bus ( it was so dirty and I'd rather be standing, but he wanted me to sit with him and offered a hoodie which was nice. ) when we got to my place laundry dryer fell and put his hoodie on my, just day before, washed rug so i can have free hands to pick up the laundry, he picked hoodie up, angry that i left it on a floor for hot minute, immediately and put it on my bed where I sleep. I threw it right away and started crying because I'm extremely germophobic and had flashbacks from how dirty the bus was, he wanted to go home because i was acting too crazy and I know it's too much of a reaction on my side but I'd rather be like that then like people with no basic hygiene. He started asking "are you going to be this way forever?" And pressuring me to answer, then he told me I'm the only person in whole world behaving like this, like I don't know it's too much, I know it, my ocd is taking over my time and my life, my rituals are anxiously long, my fear of being dirty makes me unable to function through out the day, I have it hard already without someone putting a pressure on it, my doctor refused to treat me even tho I told him it takes at least 2 hours after I go to bed to re-do all my rituals so I can sleep without feer and I still end up waking up few times in one night, I know it's not normal bruh that's why it's a disorder lol, I never claimed it was normal but how can I just get it out of my body, I feel like crazy disgusting creature with zero rights to live because of what he says every time I have a" moment ".
He also doesn't fail to make me feel guilty for not paying attention to my tone when speaking or my facial expressions or my sensory sensitivity like it's all my fault, asking when will I stop being like this and that it's just me being like this, that no one else is this hard to deal with.
I love him and he's making me hate my existence, my flaws, things I can't change about myself, what am I supposed to do about it? Therapy in this country isn't much of help. I feel so guilty oftenly for being the way I am and I didn't even list half of the things.
He also makes me feel guilty for him giving me his time, when we have plans for a day but we spend that day with him always being in rush to go back home and him complaining how he didn't have to do A B and C because he "had to see me" like he doesn't even want to see me. (Same boy who said, over year ago " I can't stand seeing you only four hours a day I wish to be around you all the time".
We're fighting every day and every day it's something I asked him not to do but he still did and it always ends up with me being just too angry all the time and him doing nothing wrong.
He doesn't communicate well, he's messages contains 2-3 words and when I understand what he wrote instead of what he "meant" it's my fault. I warned him more then year ago that if I keep trying to explain in 5 different ways my point of view while he doesn't even explains his with valid sentence I'll give up on talking.
He's "explanation" goes like this : If i ask for two plus two he'll say the fishes brethe air - not only is the explanation wrong in general but it never has anything to do with my question. Like dudes that cheat and excause is that his grandma died, you get it?
Now, I'm so tired that when I try to tell him what's wrong, when he starts to be self defensive I block him because I can't take it anymore, I now can't communicate because I know how it'll end up anyway and it lost it's meaning. I'm turning out toxic but I'm tired, my soul is tired while his soul is rotting.
It hurts watching my sweet boy turning into such an ignorant and pathetic person. I started to think he has npd.
It seems like only solution is for me to stop reacting and to bottle everything up, but that's not relationship I want. I don't want to pretend I'm fine when I'm not, I don't want to keep masking around my own partner just for the sake of his ego because that guy can't stand being told he did something wrong and it takes hours of justifying, self-defense and victim role for him to actually say sorry without even understanding why he should be apologizing for.
TLDR : I (20f) am dating my bf (19m) who's only ever focused on my reaction when he's mistreating me then the reason why I reacted.
submitted by theashtraygirl27 to relationships [link] [comments]
Me (F20) have been dating my bf (M19) for almost two years. For background : we went to same school and I used to be his long-term hallway crush, but he seemed shy so I made a first move. In the beginning, like every relationship goes, I could brag about how perfectly he's treating me if anyone asked, and, having sh1tty situations in payt with ex and situationship I was over the moon to have someone treat me so gentle.
Before we started dating, he knew I have an ex of over two years, he knew I had two boys being my very dear friends and I told him, as he has no lady friends, that if he expects me to remove one guy especially it wont work and he agreed that he won't be expecting of me to cut off my friends for him with no hesitation. Guy friend in question is kinda boy who sees to opposite gender besties and if someone says they'd be cute couple he'd act as if it's actual inc3st and we never saw each other any other way then friends. At the prom, same guy friend cried for two hours because he thought I didn't have good time because my crush kissed another girl, but honestly I had the great time when i saw how much he cared for me.
My byofriend also, before dating me, without me asking or saying anything said "I'll remove all woman from my life when I have u" aka girls from school that are people he doesn't talk to enough to call them friends but there is some contact between them. I was confused because I didn't plan on asking him to as I have guy friends but i felt respected.
It all ended up the exact opposite, I did remove my friend who i still miss to this day because my boyfriend was overly jealous. On his side : girls from school started to pick up on him and when he told me about it, I sensed bullying and told him to block them because they're being pretty annoying and he, kidd u not, asked "do i have to?" so brought up him saying he'd remove anyone for me and he did after days of arguing and me crying because it's the opposite of our agreement before dating. It wasn't even jealousy on my side and he didn't want to block them because he thought they'd ask why and he'd be uncomfortable but... He made a promise that he didn't keep.
Year later he broke up with me partly because i wasn't "pure"/ I have an ex and partly because of how bad my mood swings were (I had 3 doctors diagnosing me with severe depression and was almost hospitalized at the time I was "moody" ).
That breakup had me getting even worse because he was the guy to say "I'm so scared you'll leave me" "if you stay I stay" "i hope we're forever" I didn't know forever meant one year but the breakup was only 2 weeks long, had me suffering for over a month before he actually broke up because he took it very very slow. I slept 15 minutes a day and i wish i was being metaphoric, waiting for him to decide weather he'll stay or not. I did everything I could, my ocd gets worse in stressful situations and my brain telling me "if you do this, that will happen, if you don't, that will happen" all day every day, but I obviously did everything it told me to do to keep him and he still left and ruined us for 2 weeks of separation.
Note : If someone tells you they have something going on and they can't change it, don't come in their life trying to force a change, weather it's friendship you might not like or mental disorder out of their control, please.
After we got back together : - I told him i spent time home in group chat with two of my girls and some of their friends and random boy we found where we played "guess what I drew" because i couldn't leave bed and couldn't sleep, he got jealous at that random boy and made me feel bad for doing something while not being in a relationship. (I didn't flirt, we didn't talk in private chat, we just played and he was also aroace.)
While we were on breakup I also reached out to my guy friend and he is doing amazing, enjoying life and was happy I contacted him but my boyfriend made me cut him off, again. Tho, his sister best friend (girl) is buying him gifts, sleeping over at their place in room him and his sister are sharing but why would I be jealous? In fact, I'm not, I like that girl more then I like his family.
Anyway, it was last summer, when he asked me to be his girlfriend again I told him that I'll need time to heal, prepared him for the fact that I will bring up stuff he did before we broke up because I'm still hurt, and he'll need to be extra patient and gentle and he agreed, but instead, every time I talked about pain breakup caused because I wasn't over it, he'd yell at me so i tried to bottle it all up.
In past few months, everything I tell him will hurt me he'll find a way to do it, even if it's something he didn't have in mind, if i told him fictionally it'll hurt me so he knows, he'll do it, and when I confront him about it he'd focus on my reaction saying "are u being fr?" (Like I didn't warn him.) or "stop making me angrier I'm stressed" ( Like I'm not, also, stressed.)
Every time he does something i asked him not to, if I had a reaction it would turn into hours long fight and after making me a bad guy for reacting, he'd play a victim saying I misunderstood, it's all in my head ect. Well i started to tell my friend about our fights or I'd ask AI making "story" to see situation from someone else's perspective because I was tired of being told it's all in my head and it's on daily basis.
He recently started to pick up on my traits of ocd or autism that I also have diagnosed and told him about before he asked me out.
This was my overreaction, I agree, but I'm aware and I didn't ask to be this way; He gave me his hoodie so I'll sit in bus ( it was so dirty and I'd rather be standing, but he wanted me to sit with him and offered a hoodie which was nice. ) when we got to my place laundry dryer fell and put his hoodie on my, just day before, washed rug so i can have free hands to pick up the laundry, he picked hoodie up, angry that i left it on a floor for hot minute, immediately and put it on my bed where I sleep. I threw it right away and started crying because I'm extremely germophobic and had flashbacks from how dirty the bus was, he wanted to go home because i was acting too crazy and I know it's too much of a reaction on my side but I'd rather be like that then like people with no basic hygiene. He started asking "are you going to be this way forever?" And pressuring me to answer, then he told me I'm the only person in whole world behaving like this, like I don't know it's too much, I know it, my ocd is taking over my time and my life, my rituals are anxiously long, my fear of being dirty makes me unable to function through out the day, I have it hard already without someone putting a pressure on it, my doctor refused to treat me even tho I told him it takes at least 2 hours after I go to bed to re-do all my rituals so I can sleep without feer and I still end up waking up few times in one night, I know it's not normal bruh that's why it's a disorder lol, I never claimed it was normal but how can I just get it out of my body, I feel like crazy disgusting creature with zero rights to live because of what he says every time I have a" moment ".
He also doesn't fail to make me feel guilty for not paying attention to my tone when speaking or my facial expressions or my sensory sensitivity like it's all my fault, asking when will I stop being like this and that it's just me being like this, that no one else is this hard to deal with.
I love him and he's making me hate my existence, my flaws, things I can't change about myself, what am I supposed to do about it? Therapy in this country isn't much of help. I feel so guilty oftenly for being the way I am and I didn't even list half of the things.
He also makes me feel guilty for him giving me his time, when we have plans for a day but we spend that day with him always being in rush to go back home and him complaining how he didn't have to do A B and C because he "had to see me" like he doesn't even want to see me. (Same boy who said, over year ago " I can't stand seeing you only four hours a day I wish to be around you all the time".
We're fighting every day and every day it's something I asked him not to do but he still did and it always ends up with me being just too angry all the time and him doing nothing wrong.
He doesn't communicate well, he's messages contains 2-3 words and when I understand what he wrote instead of what he "meant" it's my fault. I warned him more then year ago that if I keep trying to explain in 5 different ways my point of view while he doesn't even explains his with valid sentence I'll give up on talking.
He's "explanation" goes like this : If i ask for two plus two he'll say the fishes brethe air - not only is the explanation wrong in general but it never has anything to do with my question. Like dudes that cheat and excause is that his grandma died, you get it?
Now, I'm so tired that when I try to tell him what's wrong, when he starts to be self defensive I block him because I can't take it anymore, I now can't communicate because I know how it'll end up anyway and it lost it's meaning. I'm turning out toxic but I'm tired, my soul is tired while his soul is rotting.
It hurts watching my sweet boy turning into such an ignorant and pathetic person. I started to think he has npd.
It seems like only solution is for me to stop reacting and to bottle everything up, but that's not relationship I want. I don't want to pretend I'm fine when I'm not, I don't want to keep masking around my own partner just for the sake of his ego because that guy can't stand being told he did something wrong and it takes hours of justifying, self-defense and victim role for him to actually say sorry without even understanding why he should be apologizing for.
TLDR : I (20f) am dating my bf (19m) who's only ever focused on my reaction when he's mistreating me then the reason why I reacted.
2024.05.14 12:44 Bubbly-Emu95 Ex boyfriend (30M) wants an abortion, I (28F) want to keep the baby but I am scared to raise the baby on my own
I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my ex boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. We spent the last 2 years having sex almost everyday without contraceptives, as we were ready for any risks, we were not actively trying, but not actively preventing.
We decided to take a break due to arguments over the past month, and on our last day together, we had unprotective sex (we didn’t have sex for 3 weeks at that point). I took a test upon unusual symptoms and missed period, and discovered I am pregnant.
I informed him last week and I think he’s still in denial. He asked me to go for a scan to confirm so he can tell his parents and he has expressed that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for him, and I should get an abortion. He is not ready for fatherhood and doesn’t see that we can work things out in the future. I encouraged him to reconcile, not as a couple, but as civil adults to make communications easier in the following weeks or potentially years. He refused and told me I should talk to people for advice. I have spoke to my best friends and I don’t have a solution, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my child to grow up without a father figure but I also don’t want to have this kind of father in its life. I only had one sex partner my whole life so there is no possibility that he is not the father. I’m personally also not ready to raise the child as a single mother without support. If this pregnancy happened few months back, I would not have the same doubts I currently have. I considered abortion after the conversation with him but I don’t want to end my own child’s life because of our unresolved issues. My family don’t live in the same country as me, so I will not have day-to-day help. My friends are supportive but I don’t think it’s realistic for me to raise the baby without a partner. I have all sorts of concerns and I am not in the right headspace at the moment to be thinking clearly.
For context - I (28F) moved in to live with my boyfriend (30M) after 2 years of dating, we barely had any disagreements throughout the first 2 years, we were both in love, and decided that we were ready for our next stages in life so we moved in together. We were certain that we were compatible despite our differences in interests - we are very different people in the best ways, and grew to love and learn of each other’s character. Our lives are very intertwined, and our respective friend groups are very involved in our lives. We had a healthy lifestyle and socially active ever since we got together.
Fast forward to 2 months ago, we were discussing wedding plans. We previously agreed that we would move in together > get engaged > married > have children. I expressed that I didn’t really want to move in together until I get a reassurance from him this is for lifetime, he told me not to worry because he already had plans to propose to me and it’s ok to move in first and then get married as we are living together. He suggested that we could plan the wedding first because weddings take at least a year ahead to plan, and the proposal will happen sometime later this year. Our first big argument came because of his unrealistic expectations and lack of logic and sense in event planning (he was never really a planner or an organized person, I do most of our travel logistics and household plannings).
Few weeks later I discovered that he was withholding his plans made with a colleague that I didn’t particularly liked, I felt strange that he had to hide this fact from me. I don’t believe that he was disloyal or anything but I didn’t understand why he lied. I exploded, demanded to check his phone, then I discovered more things he was hiding from me, including going on walks during lunch with the same female colleagues. I also discovered the group chat with his boys where they were making jokes about us getting married. I was livid and we argued over our definition of commitment, I questioned his maturity and his intentions to settle. He told me he was ready to settle with me, and suggested that we go pick out rings the next day.
The real issue came in when he called his parents to ask them for their blessing in our marriage. His parents disapproved, and called me materialistic, questioned my family, my social circle, my religion, my political views… etc. My boyfriend could’ve easily justified every one of the points they have made about me but I guess he was too in shock of their response to defend me. His parents never really agreed with our relationship to begin with, they never wanted him to date and thinks he should be focused on his career at this age rather than dating, despite this we spent every holidays and celebrations the last two years with his family and we thought they have grown to accept me as they had been very friendly with me, I guess it was all a facade. I was disappointed and lashed out at him. And somehow our previous issue with his ‘commitment’ was brushed under the rug.
He says he cannot propose to me when he doesn’t have his parents blessing. I gave him a deadline the next day to make a decision, if he cannot talk it out with his parents then I will have to let this end. He came back the next day, and told me his dad apologized and would like to reconcile with me. And he came back to tell me he was ready to settle.
The following weeks we continued to have smaller disagreements and I was still uncomfortable to face his parents, as he would return home a different person, and treats me worse every time after every time he had met up with his parents. Before all these issues, we had made plans to visit my grandparents and his extended family who were both living in the same country. On our way there, I expressed that I would want to remain with my grandparents and not join his family trip as I’m not ready to face his parents yet. He tried to persuade me to go and that his parents will apologize to me, but I was still very uncomfortable. I told him I’ll only go if he can give me reassurance and that I will only go on another family trip with him if he can give me the status as his fiancé before I can face them. He said if he were to propose to me now he cannot face his parents, and he told his parents he has plans to propose to me on this trip, but they insisted that they should reconcile with me before he can propose as I would potentially “steal their grandchildren away from them” in the future if we don’t make up. He told me he even brought the ring with him but he can’t do it. I walked away from him, I felt so betrayed and lost in a foreign country. I got very emotional and told him he made feel worthless and want to end my life. I was not in the right headspace after a whole month of torment and I didn’t have the energy to reason with him any longer. I gave in and proceeded with the rest of our trip.
The day before we went to meet his family, I told him I wanted to go somewhere else instead and I still wasn’t ready. When he was making changes to our tickets, I saw his sister’s message on his phone, saying that it’ll be better in the long run if he sort out the parents issue first and don’t propose to me yet. I snatched his phone and spoke with his sister. After I told her everything, she apologized and gave me the reassurance that their family will treat me with respect and will apologize to me the first thing they see me, and that they just want to reconcile before we move forward to the next stage in life. I felt it was reasonable and reassured after my conversation with her, so I decided to give it a go.
When we did finally meet up with his parents, they pretended as if nothing has happened. Few days later we finally had the ‘conversation’. His dad started off by saying he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to get married at the moment, and kept going on about their same points again, he said our relationship hasn’t been long enough for us to decide marriage at this stage. They claimed their comments weren’t a personal attack, they didn’t apologize and said that I was ‘thinking too much’ for this to be a personal attack because it was simply a generalization, then dismissed me for being upset for hearing from my bf because he wasn’t supposed to tell me, and proceeds to keep commenting about me and my friends and how they disagree with their celebrations of weddings.
I respectfully explained we are not having these discussions about marriage out of no where, we have been having discussions on marriage throughout our 2 years. In fact our plans to have children was the basis of our relationship and were his requirements, and we just want to move forward with the next part of our lives. His mom doesn’t think I need to think about having children at this moment and it’s not a good time for us to have children, because she had kids much later in life and apparently so is everyone else, and we shouldn’t be following my ‘timeline’ on when things should be happening. Apparently I should not have such control over the timing of giving birth ‘like a reproduction machine’, and it’s not right to have to set such timeline on how much time I need for recovery and time between having each children. She asks why do we feel the need and so early in life to get married now? And ditch your own families and start your own life.
His dad said I should not decide right now how many kids we need to have and it’s rather in gods hands to decide, and some people are not even be able to have more than 1 kid, I asked him why is this relevant in regards to our plans to have kids… so I have to listen to god now and have kids without planning? And then he started giving this bs about god and how we are not meant to plan ‘these things’ out in life so specifically. I asked him: What is wrong with being practical and setting realistic goals. He claimed he doesn’t think it’s wrong to have plans but we shouldn’t be so set and ‘controlling’ over our own lives. He has experience and we should listen to the grown ups with experience… I knew the conversation wasn’t going to get anywhere as soon as he brings religion into this.
My boyfriend just stood there in silence. After the conversation ended we both walked away from his parents, he apologized to me and told me he’s sorry for any of the things his parents have said to me and I didn’t deserve it. He says he won’t listen to his parents anymore, and he knows how to make this right, and he will propose once we return to my grandparent’s place. I didn’t challenge him anymore because I that was the reassurance I needed from him, and I was happy that he was finally able to see his parents for who they are.
The following days of the trip, his dad tried to isolate him from rest of the family to give him the same lecture. Every time he rejoins the group I can see from his expression that their conversation did not go well, I didn’t comment. On the day we returned to my grandparent’s home, he told me he can’t follow through with his promises. And his dad told him he should feel guilty for making promises to me and be pressured into marriage. Somehow this convinced himself into thinking he’s not ready for marriage all along. I walked away from him and we spent 3 days apart before our flight to return home.
On our last day, we met up for closure, talked through what happened and we had sex. I told him I wasn’t ready to fly back home with him and I didn’t want to fall back into the vicious cycle of arguments, and that we should have some time to cool things down before we reconnect. We agreed to give each other some space and he wants to learn more about himself before he makes commitment to me as he doesn’t want to disappoint me again.
A week after he got back, he told me he wants to move out of our co-rented apartment, and he wants to break lease. I was a bit confused because I thought he wanted to work on himself, and him moving out essentially is an indication of a break up to me. He said if I don’t let him move out, I’m not giving him space to work on himself. I didn’t really have an option so I agreed. We didn’t talk afterwards.
3 weeks later, I missed my period, I took a test and was positive.
submitted by Bubbly-Emu95 to Advice [link] [comments]
We decided to take a break due to arguments over the past month, and on our last day together, we had unprotective sex (we didn’t have sex for 3 weeks at that point). I took a test upon unusual symptoms and missed period, and discovered I am pregnant.
I informed him last week and I think he’s still in denial. He asked me to go for a scan to confirm so he can tell his parents and he has expressed that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for him, and I should get an abortion. He is not ready for fatherhood and doesn’t see that we can work things out in the future. I encouraged him to reconcile, not as a couple, but as civil adults to make communications easier in the following weeks or potentially years. He refused and told me I should talk to people for advice. I have spoke to my best friends and I don’t have a solution, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my child to grow up without a father figure but I also don’t want to have this kind of father in its life. I only had one sex partner my whole life so there is no possibility that he is not the father. I’m personally also not ready to raise the child as a single mother without support. If this pregnancy happened few months back, I would not have the same doubts I currently have. I considered abortion after the conversation with him but I don’t want to end my own child’s life because of our unresolved issues. My family don’t live in the same country as me, so I will not have day-to-day help. My friends are supportive but I don’t think it’s realistic for me to raise the baby without a partner. I have all sorts of concerns and I am not in the right headspace at the moment to be thinking clearly.
For context - I (28F) moved in to live with my boyfriend (30M) after 2 years of dating, we barely had any disagreements throughout the first 2 years, we were both in love, and decided that we were ready for our next stages in life so we moved in together. We were certain that we were compatible despite our differences in interests - we are very different people in the best ways, and grew to love and learn of each other’s character. Our lives are very intertwined, and our respective friend groups are very involved in our lives. We had a healthy lifestyle and socially active ever since we got together.
Fast forward to 2 months ago, we were discussing wedding plans. We previously agreed that we would move in together > get engaged > married > have children. I expressed that I didn’t really want to move in together until I get a reassurance from him this is for lifetime, he told me not to worry because he already had plans to propose to me and it’s ok to move in first and then get married as we are living together. He suggested that we could plan the wedding first because weddings take at least a year ahead to plan, and the proposal will happen sometime later this year. Our first big argument came because of his unrealistic expectations and lack of logic and sense in event planning (he was never really a planner or an organized person, I do most of our travel logistics and household plannings).
Few weeks later I discovered that he was withholding his plans made with a colleague that I didn’t particularly liked, I felt strange that he had to hide this fact from me. I don’t believe that he was disloyal or anything but I didn’t understand why he lied. I exploded, demanded to check his phone, then I discovered more things he was hiding from me, including going on walks during lunch with the same female colleagues. I also discovered the group chat with his boys where they were making jokes about us getting married. I was livid and we argued over our definition of commitment, I questioned his maturity and his intentions to settle. He told me he was ready to settle with me, and suggested that we go pick out rings the next day.
The real issue came in when he called his parents to ask them for their blessing in our marriage. His parents disapproved, and called me materialistic, questioned my family, my social circle, my religion, my political views… etc. My boyfriend could’ve easily justified every one of the points they have made about me but I guess he was too in shock of their response to defend me. His parents never really agreed with our relationship to begin with, they never wanted him to date and thinks he should be focused on his career at this age rather than dating, despite this we spent every holidays and celebrations the last two years with his family and we thought they have grown to accept me as they had been very friendly with me, I guess it was all a facade. I was disappointed and lashed out at him. And somehow our previous issue with his ‘commitment’ was brushed under the rug.
He says he cannot propose to me when he doesn’t have his parents blessing. I gave him a deadline the next day to make a decision, if he cannot talk it out with his parents then I will have to let this end. He came back the next day, and told me his dad apologized and would like to reconcile with me. And he came back to tell me he was ready to settle.
The following weeks we continued to have smaller disagreements and I was still uncomfortable to face his parents, as he would return home a different person, and treats me worse every time after every time he had met up with his parents. Before all these issues, we had made plans to visit my grandparents and his extended family who were both living in the same country. On our way there, I expressed that I would want to remain with my grandparents and not join his family trip as I’m not ready to face his parents yet. He tried to persuade me to go and that his parents will apologize to me, but I was still very uncomfortable. I told him I’ll only go if he can give me reassurance and that I will only go on another family trip with him if he can give me the status as his fiancé before I can face them. He said if he were to propose to me now he cannot face his parents, and he told his parents he has plans to propose to me on this trip, but they insisted that they should reconcile with me before he can propose as I would potentially “steal their grandchildren away from them” in the future if we don’t make up. He told me he even brought the ring with him but he can’t do it. I walked away from him, I felt so betrayed and lost in a foreign country. I got very emotional and told him he made feel worthless and want to end my life. I was not in the right headspace after a whole month of torment and I didn’t have the energy to reason with him any longer. I gave in and proceeded with the rest of our trip.
The day before we went to meet his family, I told him I wanted to go somewhere else instead and I still wasn’t ready. When he was making changes to our tickets, I saw his sister’s message on his phone, saying that it’ll be better in the long run if he sort out the parents issue first and don’t propose to me yet. I snatched his phone and spoke with his sister. After I told her everything, she apologized and gave me the reassurance that their family will treat me with respect and will apologize to me the first thing they see me, and that they just want to reconcile before we move forward to the next stage in life. I felt it was reasonable and reassured after my conversation with her, so I decided to give it a go.
When we did finally meet up with his parents, they pretended as if nothing has happened. Few days later we finally had the ‘conversation’. His dad started off by saying he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to get married at the moment, and kept going on about their same points again, he said our relationship hasn’t been long enough for us to decide marriage at this stage. They claimed their comments weren’t a personal attack, they didn’t apologize and said that I was ‘thinking too much’ for this to be a personal attack because it was simply a generalization, then dismissed me for being upset for hearing from my bf because he wasn’t supposed to tell me, and proceeds to keep commenting about me and my friends and how they disagree with their celebrations of weddings.
I respectfully explained we are not having these discussions about marriage out of no where, we have been having discussions on marriage throughout our 2 years. In fact our plans to have children was the basis of our relationship and were his requirements, and we just want to move forward with the next part of our lives. His mom doesn’t think I need to think about having children at this moment and it’s not a good time for us to have children, because she had kids much later in life and apparently so is everyone else, and we shouldn’t be following my ‘timeline’ on when things should be happening. Apparently I should not have such control over the timing of giving birth ‘like a reproduction machine’, and it’s not right to have to set such timeline on how much time I need for recovery and time between having each children. She asks why do we feel the need and so early in life to get married now? And ditch your own families and start your own life.
His dad said I should not decide right now how many kids we need to have and it’s rather in gods hands to decide, and some people are not even be able to have more than 1 kid, I asked him why is this relevant in regards to our plans to have kids… so I have to listen to god now and have kids without planning? And then he started giving this bs about god and how we are not meant to plan ‘these things’ out in life so specifically. I asked him: What is wrong with being practical and setting realistic goals. He claimed he doesn’t think it’s wrong to have plans but we shouldn’t be so set and ‘controlling’ over our own lives. He has experience and we should listen to the grown ups with experience… I knew the conversation wasn’t going to get anywhere as soon as he brings religion into this.
My boyfriend just stood there in silence. After the conversation ended we both walked away from his parents, he apologized to me and told me he’s sorry for any of the things his parents have said to me and I didn’t deserve it. He says he won’t listen to his parents anymore, and he knows how to make this right, and he will propose once we return to my grandparent’s place. I didn’t challenge him anymore because I that was the reassurance I needed from him, and I was happy that he was finally able to see his parents for who they are.
The following days of the trip, his dad tried to isolate him from rest of the family to give him the same lecture. Every time he rejoins the group I can see from his expression that their conversation did not go well, I didn’t comment. On the day we returned to my grandparent’s home, he told me he can’t follow through with his promises. And his dad told him he should feel guilty for making promises to me and be pressured into marriage. Somehow this convinced himself into thinking he’s not ready for marriage all along. I walked away from him and we spent 3 days apart before our flight to return home.
On our last day, we met up for closure, talked through what happened and we had sex. I told him I wasn’t ready to fly back home with him and I didn’t want to fall back into the vicious cycle of arguments, and that we should have some time to cool things down before we reconnect. We agreed to give each other some space and he wants to learn more about himself before he makes commitment to me as he doesn’t want to disappoint me again.
A week after he got back, he told me he wants to move out of our co-rented apartment, and he wants to break lease. I was a bit confused because I thought he wanted to work on himself, and him moving out essentially is an indication of a break up to me. He said if I don’t let him move out, I’m not giving him space to work on himself. I didn’t really have an option so I agreed. We didn’t talk afterwards.
3 weeks later, I missed my period, I took a test and was positive.
2024.05.14 12:41 Any-Classic-5733 Why HW3 feels like a disappointment to fans of previous HW campaigns
I was in two minds as to add my opinion to an already crowded field, but I think I need to write my feelings down on a franchise that has inspired my imagination for decades. I will state up front that I think BBI had a nearly impossible task - how to please veterans and players of old, and attract new players to the franchise that will continue to breathe life into it.
I think they may have succeeded with the latter, but probably failed with the former.
It pains me to have to be so negative, and I don't want to come across as a spoiled entitled gamerdude who's angry he didn't get the game he wanted. I'm sure many will disagree with my points, but I don't think I'm alone either.
TLDR at the bottom.
First, some nice things to say
The game does look lovely. Battles, while chaotic and messy the sound design is wonderful, the battle chatter and PDCs from capital ships/assault frigates are seriously impressive.
It's short. Unbelievably so. I completed it in two sittings. Some missions/levels, whatever you want to call them are over in 20 minutes, some take a little longer but usually consist of one or two objectives before the player is hastily moved onto the next mission.
I didn't really gel with the story, it felt a little clichéd - 'the new protagonist is in search of the old one' didn't make any sense to me. The whole thing felt like a missed opportunity. They had free reign to do whatever they wanted, but seemed to have gravitated back to a weird 'prophecy' story where I understood very little considering just how much exposition is forced upon the player.
I must have missed what the 'anomaly' was because I kept seeing it being mentioned but had no idea how it fit into the story.
Gameplay and storytelling pacing is a problem
Gone is the slow and steady story telling of old, no sense of wonder or mystery - instead we're hurried along from beat to beat, always being told something is urgent and frequently being reminded that an objective needs completing.
The player is robbed of agency in a lot of cases. In one mission, we're just given a carrier from the start - no research or objectives to complete in order to earn it - just hey you'll need this. I remember in HW1, the first time you make a destroyer, or the first time you build a carrier it's an exciting moment, you feel a sense of achievement and can't wait to see how this changes the battlefield.
You don't get to feel that in HW3. In fact, some missions you might get access to several new units within minutes of each other, so you never really get to explore how each one affects the battles. The pace of the gameplay means you're constantly under attack or under pressure with few moments of calm.
Also, there are times when storytelling got in the way, especially after a lengthy cut-scene the player would be taken out of the game for a moment to show something on the sensors, sometimes multiple times within a few moments of each other. Infuriatingly this didn't seem to pause the action. It was like the steering wheel was taken away from you while you were trying to navigate around a bend.
Gameplay mechanics are simplified compared to previous HW titles
Because there is little in the way of microing your units, (no attack move, no kiting more powerful ships) you find yourself constantly in the build menu maxing out your unit caps to replace lost ships. And you can do that, by the way, because you have literally infinite resources. At no point during the campaign did I have less than 10,000 RUs.
Resource collecting no longer means a player has to choose how to best manage their resource economy. They've taken all that away by giving the player the easy version. The resource controller does it all for you. I really miss how cool it was that resources would drop off at the MS or carriers, then you could upgrade your economy with controllers. Here we've skipped over that, you get the dumbed down version, the player no longer has to choose between positioning a valuable carrier for their economy or as a forward base for supporting strike craft and replenishing frigates.
I remember a while ago I saw someone post here that they hated HW2 strikecraft squadrons and preferred the individual units of HW1. I honestly thought it was the stupidest thing I've ever read regarding this franchise. Strikecraft squadrons added to the scale of the battles, but more importantly it was much more rewarding to manage. By efficiently microing your fleet, you could 'save' a whole squadron by docking it. Now it feels like you just spaming strike craft endlessly with little hope to save individual ones because they'll usually die before you can react and send them home to dock. I just can't understand why they went back to HW1 with that mechanic when clearly, squadrons are the superior choice for many reasons.
For all the talk of terrain and cover being a major gameplay mechanic, I found myself barely using it. Frigates and capital ship pathfinding meant it was just easier to avoid going near it.
Support frigates look like they have space for strikecraft to dock, but I've never seen them go near it. Feels like a feature that was never implemented.
Enemy faction feels... uninspired
The Incarnate ships have all taken their design from the Progenitors, but I'm surprised just how little variation there is in the design. They all look like mini Sajuuks or Progenitor Dreadnaughts from HW2. Don't get me wrong, they look great - but this is problematic from a gameplay perspective, but you only really see the subtle differences up close. However, you rarely have the opportunity to appreciate that due to the chaotic nature of the battles. Distinguishing between Incarnate units is almost impossible as they all share a very similar profile.
UI is much improved since the demo, controls are much better
I'm glad they listened to the feedback, the UI is more intuitive and micro animations give the player the right clues as to what is going on. However, I still struggled to identify which ships I have selected at any given time. Sometimes there will be little numbers over the top of units, but they don't correspond to the group number - it's quite confusing.
I was one of the biggest complainants of the new control system after playing the demo, however, I found myself switching from classic to modern during the campaign - mostly out of necessity - it's quite difficult to navigate around the terrain elements of the maps in classic mode.
But the improvements BBI have made to the responsiveness of the controls have made that transition much easier, props to them for doing that.
Multiplayer / War Games
I haven't had much luck with either of these modes, quickplay doesn't seem to work - trying to connect to anyone in the lobby results in failure most of the time. Of the few games I've played half the time one or more players drop out. This is going to be a major paint point for players new and old, and it'll need improving quickly if this game is going to hold onto any significant player count.
What I think happened here
Making an AAA title these days is hard. It's expensive, and the resources and investment needed to deliver it are enormous. It's why we see so many games released that feel rushed or unfinished. Investors/publishers want to see a return on that investment at some point, it's just a reality of modern-day game development. HW3 was delayed several times and we still ended up with (in my opinion), a sequel that feels rushed and underbaked.
I suspect a lot of this was down to pressure from the publisher to:
A. Try to appeal to a wider market by simplifying the gameplay B. Cut the amount of content to get the product released sooner
Unfortunately for players like me, who wanted a uniquely Homeworld campaign experience has left me feeling wanting. And I'm really sad about that. There are clearly many talented folks at BBI, and I can't help but feel this isn't the game they wanted to release... like they could have used another year or two of development if they could perhaps?
The campaign ending left it open for the possibility of us seeing more content set after these events. I would be entirely open to that, but they'd need to fix some of issues that I'd outlined above if I thought it'd be worth my time and money. But that doesn't appear to be on the year 1 roadmap. My current experience with War Games sort of tells me I've wasted my money a bit if that's all we're getting.
Maybe, after the Year 1 roadmap we'll see the possibility of a continuation of the story - the hunt for the crew of Karan's ship for example.
TLDR
The campaign is too short, and while punctuated with genuine moments of delight, pacing is problematic and the player is often robbed of agency and a sense of wonder. Battles, while pretty, are ultimately a chaotic war of attrition due to simplified gameplay mechanics.
The campaign experience has felt rather shallow and underbaked. Players of previous HW titles will be left feeling like underwhelmed in my opinion.
However I'm sure many new players will enjoy the game much more, it is still one of the most unique titles out there at the moment.
6/10
Edit: formatting
submitted by Any-Classic-5733 to homeworld [link] [comments]
I think they may have succeeded with the latter, but probably failed with the former.
It pains me to have to be so negative, and I don't want to come across as a spoiled entitled gamerdude who's angry he didn't get the game he wanted. I'm sure many will disagree with my points, but I don't think I'm alone either.
TLDR at the bottom.
First, some nice things to say
The game does look lovely. Battles, while chaotic and messy the sound design is wonderful, the battle chatter and PDCs from capital ships/assault frigates are seriously impressive.
- CONTAINS SPOILERS BELOW *
It's short. Unbelievably so. I completed it in two sittings. Some missions/levels, whatever you want to call them are over in 20 minutes, some take a little longer but usually consist of one or two objectives before the player is hastily moved onto the next mission.
I didn't really gel with the story, it felt a little clichéd - 'the new protagonist is in search of the old one' didn't make any sense to me. The whole thing felt like a missed opportunity. They had free reign to do whatever they wanted, but seemed to have gravitated back to a weird 'prophecy' story where I understood very little considering just how much exposition is forced upon the player.
I must have missed what the 'anomaly' was because I kept seeing it being mentioned but had no idea how it fit into the story.
Gameplay and storytelling pacing is a problem
Gone is the slow and steady story telling of old, no sense of wonder or mystery - instead we're hurried along from beat to beat, always being told something is urgent and frequently being reminded that an objective needs completing.
The player is robbed of agency in a lot of cases. In one mission, we're just given a carrier from the start - no research or objectives to complete in order to earn it - just hey you'll need this. I remember in HW1, the first time you make a destroyer, or the first time you build a carrier it's an exciting moment, you feel a sense of achievement and can't wait to see how this changes the battlefield.
You don't get to feel that in HW3. In fact, some missions you might get access to several new units within minutes of each other, so you never really get to explore how each one affects the battles. The pace of the gameplay means you're constantly under attack or under pressure with few moments of calm.
Also, there are times when storytelling got in the way, especially after a lengthy cut-scene the player would be taken out of the game for a moment to show something on the sensors, sometimes multiple times within a few moments of each other. Infuriatingly this didn't seem to pause the action. It was like the steering wheel was taken away from you while you were trying to navigate around a bend.
Gameplay mechanics are simplified compared to previous HW titles
Because there is little in the way of microing your units, (no attack move, no kiting more powerful ships) you find yourself constantly in the build menu maxing out your unit caps to replace lost ships. And you can do that, by the way, because you have literally infinite resources. At no point during the campaign did I have less than 10,000 RUs.
Resource collecting no longer means a player has to choose how to best manage their resource economy. They've taken all that away by giving the player the easy version. The resource controller does it all for you. I really miss how cool it was that resources would drop off at the MS or carriers, then you could upgrade your economy with controllers. Here we've skipped over that, you get the dumbed down version, the player no longer has to choose between positioning a valuable carrier for their economy or as a forward base for supporting strike craft and replenishing frigates.
I remember a while ago I saw someone post here that they hated HW2 strikecraft squadrons and preferred the individual units of HW1. I honestly thought it was the stupidest thing I've ever read regarding this franchise. Strikecraft squadrons added to the scale of the battles, but more importantly it was much more rewarding to manage. By efficiently microing your fleet, you could 'save' a whole squadron by docking it. Now it feels like you just spaming strike craft endlessly with little hope to save individual ones because they'll usually die before you can react and send them home to dock. I just can't understand why they went back to HW1 with that mechanic when clearly, squadrons are the superior choice for many reasons.
For all the talk of terrain and cover being a major gameplay mechanic, I found myself barely using it. Frigates and capital ship pathfinding meant it was just easier to avoid going near it.
Support frigates look like they have space for strikecraft to dock, but I've never seen them go near it. Feels like a feature that was never implemented.
Enemy faction feels... uninspired
The Incarnate ships have all taken their design from the Progenitors, but I'm surprised just how little variation there is in the design. They all look like mini Sajuuks or Progenitor Dreadnaughts from HW2. Don't get me wrong, they look great - but this is problematic from a gameplay perspective, but you only really see the subtle differences up close. However, you rarely have the opportunity to appreciate that due to the chaotic nature of the battles. Distinguishing between Incarnate units is almost impossible as they all share a very similar profile.
UI is much improved since the demo, controls are much better
I'm glad they listened to the feedback, the UI is more intuitive and micro animations give the player the right clues as to what is going on. However, I still struggled to identify which ships I have selected at any given time. Sometimes there will be little numbers over the top of units, but they don't correspond to the group number - it's quite confusing.
I was one of the biggest complainants of the new control system after playing the demo, however, I found myself switching from classic to modern during the campaign - mostly out of necessity - it's quite difficult to navigate around the terrain elements of the maps in classic mode.
But the improvements BBI have made to the responsiveness of the controls have made that transition much easier, props to them for doing that.
Multiplayer / War Games
I haven't had much luck with either of these modes, quickplay doesn't seem to work - trying to connect to anyone in the lobby results in failure most of the time. Of the few games I've played half the time one or more players drop out. This is going to be a major paint point for players new and old, and it'll need improving quickly if this game is going to hold onto any significant player count.
What I think happened here
Making an AAA title these days is hard. It's expensive, and the resources and investment needed to deliver it are enormous. It's why we see so many games released that feel rushed or unfinished. Investors/publishers want to see a return on that investment at some point, it's just a reality of modern-day game development. HW3 was delayed several times and we still ended up with (in my opinion), a sequel that feels rushed and underbaked.
I suspect a lot of this was down to pressure from the publisher to:
A. Try to appeal to a wider market by simplifying the gameplay B. Cut the amount of content to get the product released sooner
Unfortunately for players like me, who wanted a uniquely Homeworld campaign experience has left me feeling wanting. And I'm really sad about that. There are clearly many talented folks at BBI, and I can't help but feel this isn't the game they wanted to release... like they could have used another year or two of development if they could perhaps?
The campaign ending left it open for the possibility of us seeing more content set after these events. I would be entirely open to that, but they'd need to fix some of issues that I'd outlined above if I thought it'd be worth my time and money. But that doesn't appear to be on the year 1 roadmap. My current experience with War Games sort of tells me I've wasted my money a bit if that's all we're getting.
Maybe, after the Year 1 roadmap we'll see the possibility of a continuation of the story - the hunt for the crew of Karan's ship for example.
TLDR
The campaign is too short, and while punctuated with genuine moments of delight, pacing is problematic and the player is often robbed of agency and a sense of wonder. Battles, while pretty, are ultimately a chaotic war of attrition due to simplified gameplay mechanics.
The campaign experience has felt rather shallow and underbaked. Players of previous HW titles will be left feeling like underwhelmed in my opinion.
However I'm sure many new players will enjoy the game much more, it is still one of the most unique titles out there at the moment.
6/10
Edit: formatting
2024.05.14 12:40 Specialist_Bake6514 Vapiano P3: Italian Food Made in Germany
 | The kitchen is on fire. Welcome to the final part of the Vapiano story where the tables are turning. In the first two episodes we followed Mark Korzilius' journey from setbacks to founding Vapiano, a groundbreaking restaurant concept, highlighting its fresh ingredients, dynamic atmosphere, and data-driven operations that drove rapid success. While achieving initial profitability and garnering attention from industry giants like McDonald's, Vapiano's global expansion has led to stellar revenue growth. However, it has also resulted in the emergence of numerous side projects (or distractions), operational challenges, increased costs, significant investments, and a notable accumulation of debt. This underscores the prioritization of top-line growth over profitable growth. We will continue on this thread and see how the story ends, but I would encourage you to read part one and two for better context. Vapiano P1: Italian Food Made in Germany (substack.com). Let's dig in. submitted by Specialist_Bake6514 to unpackbusinesses [link] [comments] Before Going Public We are now in 2015 and the year is a disaster for Vapiano's PR department. Employee time stamps are being manipulated, endless overtime for employees and high turnover in managerial roles are reported; mice in the kitchen and even rotten food allegedly found. The company is confronted with allegations of exceeding working hours among trainees in an article published by Welt am Sonntag, while the same outlet accuses Vapiano of manipulating punch times. The auditing firm PwC is commissioned to investigate the allegations and finds that there is no systematic approach but rather misconduct by individual employees, a mistake that’s being corrected. Internal however, investigations into stamp times are carried out regularly now and beyond its obvious reputational impact, this sucks up valuable management time and attention. In the summer of 2015 CEO, co-founder and investor Gregor Gerlach, who has been running the group since 2011 is stepping down and Jochen Halfmann is taking over. A new Vapiano People Program with an App is being developed with the aim to better interact with customers that will incorporate innovate features such as mobile pay. The German website sees a launch of new magazine to further promote the brand and there is now a full inhouse blogger and Instagram team being installed. In October the company buys seven restaurants from original co-founder, former co-investor and ex-president previously responsible for internation expansion Kent Hahne (2x Bonn, 3x Cologne, 1x Koblenz and one in Cologne that’s under construction). This package of Vapiano restaurants is very successful and generates net sales of more than 20 million euros in 2014. Hahne opened his first Vapiano restaurant in Cologne in August 2006 and in 2015 with his company apeiron AG, Hahne operates six L'Osteria franchise restaurants, a direct Vapiano competitor, and two self-owned restaurants GinYuu. Then in November of 2015, the next public relations bomb goes off with allegations regarding the company's quality standards. The company immediately investigates the issue through internal and external specialists but finds no evidence of any quality issues. Nevertheless, knowing that the group is now being closely watched, the company’s already in place hygiene standards are being reinforced. Additional audits and inspections are performed nationally. Further, all Vapianos worldwide are being audited twice by the partners SGS Institut Fresenius and SAI Global. Auditing software is purchased to simplify the implementation of the audits and the resulting measures. Apart from the external examinations, there is a food sampling plan in place being performed continuously. Again, all of this sucks up costs, management time and attention. With all these tumultuous developments the company’s growth engine is undeterred. Revenue grows by a whopping 50 million euros to 202 million euros, an increase of 33%. Impressive. While average spent per customer increases in all countries, the number of customers per day in Germany decreases by 3.3% partially due to the negative press towards the end of the year. Five own, four JV and 19 new franchise restaurants are added that year to the group, the total number of own managed restaurants grows to 51, there are 31 JVs and 84 franchises which bringing the total to 166 Vapiano restaurants. Global restaurant sales are now above 400 million euros. But while revenue grows by an astronomical 50 million euros, operating profits, alarmingly, shrink again. Gross margins are staying perfectly healthy above 75% but operating costs keep growing disproportionately fast. The Company’s outstanding debt jumps by almost 30 million, close to 85 million euros by the end of the year. With operating profits at 9.5 million euros, alarm bells should be going off right now. In Q4 of 2015, new CEO Jochen Halfmann introduces Strategy 2020. The new strategy includes five essential points. One, profitable growth in the newly defined core markets of Germany and Austria as well as in the UK, Netherlands, France and USA. Two, operational excellence through strict “best practice” management. Three, further development and digitalization of the concept considering guest feedback. Four, greater focus on long-term employee retention and five, building a modern and sustainable IT landscape. Sound’s good on paper but let’s see how things pan out. Vapiano's investments (capital expenditures) that year are primarily directed towards new restaurant openings, renovations of existing establishments, and share acquisitions in other Vapiano restaurants from franchisees or JV partners. A significant portion of funds is allocated to the digitalization of the guest experience, including the development of a new app scheduled for market release in 2016 and the implementation of a time recording system across all group restaurants. The world's first standalone Vapiano restaurant with a delivery service that year is built in Fürth, Germany. The company keeps expanding its presence in both inner-city locations and international markets, such as Shanghai, China. To finance all of this, the group has its own operating cash flow which comes in at 18 million while capital expenditures are 26 million euros plus 14 million for acquisitions. The funding gab is filled with 26 million euros of new debt and a seven-million-euro equity raise. At that end of the year and after the equity raise Gregor Gerlach (through his AP Leipzig GmbH & Co. KG entity) holds 30.1%, Hans-Joachim and Gisa Sander through their Exchange Bio GmbH hold 25.5% and the Tchibo heirs, Herz through their Mayfair Beteiligungsfonds II GmbH & Co. KG hold 44,4%. But for the first time the restaurant’s concept that was so successful to date is being questioned. Some customers are starting to mislike the operational flow of the concept itself. If you want pasta, you must queue for pasta. If you want pizza you stand in a different queue. A small side salad, yet another queue. "You spend more time carrying trays than an actress in Berlin-Mitte. The audience in the pasta limbo can only consist of people who have worked for an insurance company for a long time and, like Stockholm syndrome, they can no longer get away from the industrial canteen feeling," writes TV host Beisenherz provocatively. While overly harsh in his assessment he's not entirely wrong judging by customers venting their frustrations in forums and social media channels. It isn’t uncommon for those who ordered pizza to have already finished eating while there is little movement in the pasta queue. Long term that doesn't go down well, QSRs competitors like L’Osteria are handling this process differently, with much success. https://preview.redd.it/6cas01oked0d1.png?width=1200&format=png&auto=webp&s=2da6e0b4bc0e07dbee558de412feb414cd598d4a Tipping PointWhere are now in the year 2016 and things start to deteriorate visibility. Perhaps not for the leman’s eye but any business minded observer can see that there are problems under the hood. Yes, revenue grows yet another whopping 50 million to almost 250 million euros but half of that growth, comes from acquisitions of restaurants that the group didn’t already own 100%, which is now being fully consolidated within the group’s accounts. Here is a concrete example. In the past, Vapiano SE, the group’s top holding company held an indirect 50% stake in a French subgroup via the subsidiary VAP Restaurants SA, based in Luxembourg, and included this as an associated company in the Vapiano SE consolidated financial statements using the equity method. Due to the acquisition of additional shares in September of 2016, Vapiano SE's indirect share in the French subgroup increased to 75%. This means that Vapiano SE takes control of the French subgroup, which is therefore included in the group’s financial statements as part of the full consolidation. The revenue from the acquired subsidiary now recorded in the consolidated income statement amounts to 12.8 million euros. While that’s great for the top line, the loss of the fully consolidated entity equates to 0.2 million euros. Yes, you are buying revenue, but there are losses attached to them, not profits. A similar case is the Swedish entity that runs eight restaurants with revenue of 11.5 million euros but has losses of 235 thousand euros. So much for Strategy 2020 and “profitable” growth.That year the group’s operating profits are absolutely tanking, halving to 3.5 million euros. Operating profits are now a mere 1,4% of revenue. Remember original founder Mark Korzilius who talked about operating margins of 25% to 28% at the restaurant level? Yes, there are overhead costs for the organization that sits above the chain of restaurants, but operating margins that low indicates a course correction is needed. What’s telling is that in the annual report, in the management discussion section, the company starts talking about EBITDA as a proxy measure of profitability, rather than operating profit or net income. This wasn’t the case in the years before. Is this window dressing for an upcoming IPO? EBITDA is short for earnings before interest, tax, depreciation, and amortization. How can you measure profitability of a restaurant chain that absolutely and unequivocally needs capital investment to maintain its restaurant operations, the very source of cash generation, by simply excluding this maintenance charge (depreciation in the income statement)? Vapiano’s own annual report talks about the fact that existing restaurants must be rejuvenated from time to time and that new interior designs have to be implemented every few years. These things wear and tear, they go out of style, kitchen equipment breaks and needs replacement. This business absolutely needs maintenance capital expenditure, why anyone talks of profits before these maintenance costs is beyond me. Fun fact: in the previous annual report EBITDA is mentioned seven times, mostly around restaurant acquisitions and financing, not however as a profit indication for the group. In the new annual report, EBITDA is mentioned 28 times. Maybe it’s just me but belated Charlie Munger liked to call EBITDA: bullsh*t earnings. When in doubt I stick with Charlie. Interestingly, EBITDA for Vapiano keeps growing while operating and net profits keep falling. Operating cashflow for the group that year is about 21 million euros, but capital expenditure is 30 million and acquisitions for subsidiaries another 20 million. To finance these expenditures another 28 million euros of debt and 16 million of equity is raised. Net debt rises above 130 million euro. The operating cashflow of the group before any capital expenditures is 21 million euros. I am not sure free cash flow would be significantly positive after maintenance capex is paid out; it’s not broken out so we can’t be sure. Granted, I am not on the ground during this time, and I am not in the board room, I am simply reading what’s in front of me, but to me this is starting to look like a distressed situation. Regardless, the following year the company goes public. IPOWhere are now in the year 2017 and its Vapiano’s first year as public company. The company’s annual report reads the following “Sales revenue, like-for-like growth (LfL) and the earnings figures EBITDA and adjusted EBITDA are used as the most important financial performance indicators for controlling operational business activities.” The very same report however also says: “The majority of the group's investments regularly go towards opening new restaurant locations and modernizing existing restaurants. The latter are differentiated into regular replacement investments that occur during ongoing operations (Maintenance CAPEX) and fundamental investments in the renovation of a restaurant (Remodeling CAPEX). On average, a restaurant remodeling takes place nine years after opening.” It says it right there in their own report; every nine years a remodeling is taking place. Remodeling and updating is not cost free, so why exclude depreciation charges which reflect capital expenditures? I understand that perhaps you would want to strip out one-off opening costs, that’s fine and fair, but don’t go overboard.The number of restaurants increases by 26 (previous year: 13) to a total of 205. The increase consists of 27 new openings and one closure. Group revenue grows to an astonishing 325 million euros but here comes the shocker, operating profits turn negative to 25 million. Fine, strip out foreign exchange losses of 3 million, IPO costs of 5.8 million and new opening costs of 6.1 million and you still have 10 million euros of operational losses. All the while the debt load of almost 130 million hasn’t materially changed, so those operating losses are before a six-million-euro interest payment. 184 million euros are raised through the IPO of which 85 million go to the company. This money is earmarked for further expansion as the group has ambitions to almost double the footprint to 330 restaurants by the end of 2020. The company is currently not profitable on an operating basis, and still wants to expand aggressively? I don’t get it. The remaining 100 million euros of the IPO money raised is distributed to co-founder Gregor Gerlach and Wella heirs Hans-Joachim and Gisa Sander. The family office of the former Tchibo owners Günter and Daniela Herz with a 44% stake, don’t sell a single share. After the IPO, 32% of all the company’s shares are now in free float. One year later, in 2018, things get even worse. Revenue grows to 371 million, but operating losses mount to 85 million euros, that’s before interest expenses of 9 million. Even the beloved EBITDA figure turns negative, meaning the operating business before any expansionary or even maintenance capital expenditures is loss making. All regions are experiencing significant deterioration in their earnings profiles. Like for like sales are down 1% across the board. That’s revenue, not profitability. The question naturally arises: is the Group approaching its natural saturation point here or this operational by nature? The operating cash flow is now 9 million while financing cost are close to 7 million. That leaves 2 million for maintenance capital for 74 own restaurants and 76 joint ventures ones. Describing this as financially tight, would be an understatement. Things are not looking good at this point. Yet the company still grows restaurants by 26 new sites. 64 million euros are spent on acquisitions, new openings, and maintenance costs, financed through a 20 million-euro equity raise and 72 million of new debt. The Company now has net debt outstanding of over 160 million euros. After the equity raise and by the end of the year 2018, Mayfair owns 47.4%, VAP Leipzig, Gregor Gerlach’s entity owns 18.9% and the Sander couple own 15.5% of the company. Yes, the Sanders and Gerlach may have taken 100 million euros off the table, but they still have substantial skin in the game. Plus, Mayfair hasn’t sold a single share and instead injects more money into the company through the equity round. The stock has now fallen from its IPO price of 23 euros per share to under 6 euros by the end of 2018. Something must be done here. And indeed, there is pivot in strategy and a hard push for change. At last, the management team abandons its aggressive growth plan and curtails new openings significantly. Additionally, the team wants to run a thorough analysis of weak locations to then either discontinue or sell sites. In Europe, the operating focus will be put on corporate restaurants and joint ventures in major cities to ensure the ideal size and location to match the respective demographic target group. Outside of Europe, the franchising business is being expanded and at the same time a consolidation of the existing corporate and joint venture markets is being sought. All future investments will be reviewed to achieve higher rates of returns on new openings. Investments are also being made in the renovation of older restaurants. The goal in the future is to also open smaller formats, like Mini-Vapianos (less than 400 square meters) or Freestander at prominent transportation hubs outside city centers (currently in Fürth and Toulouse) to cater to individual location requirements, and to enter new partnerships. I am not sure why management hasn’t stopped all expansion altogether, bringing the ship in order first, getting profitable, clean up, all hands-on deck before considering any further expansions whatsoever. But again, it’s easy to comment from the sidelines; maybe they saw white spaces that would be covered by competing concepts if they weren’t moving fast and aggressively enough. Although pushing internationally means competing with local players such as Jamie's Italian, Prezzo, Pizza Express, Wagamama, Nando's and many more which brings in its own dynamic. Management also aims to enhance guest satisfaction. This involves refining operational processes, reorganizing the support center, and refocusing on the core offering: providing fresh and high-quality Italian food at affordable prices for a broad audience. The group also aims to reduce waiting times, especially during lunch, while also improving the evening atmosphere. There is even what I would call an evolution, away from Vapiano’s original concept, reorientating the customer journey. The ordering flow is being changed, offering guests synchronized preparations of all dishes while eliminating wait times at the cooking stations. The open show kitchen remains, staying true to original mantra of freshness and transparency but now guests can choose their preferred method of ordering through a mobile app, using a digital order point (kiosk), or by personally placing an order with a waiter. Guests can still freely choose their table and are then informed about the complete preparation of their order through a pager or their smartphone. This is a substantial deviation from the original concept, but a needed one. The group is also exploring and implementing the expansion of take-away and home delivery services but only at suitable locations, not universally across new openings. I am not sure why home delivery is even a priority here; it adds operational complexity. It’s better to clean up shop first and get back to the basics before adding new complexities. To be fair management does try to simplify. There are 49 different permanent dishes on the menu and additional 10 seasonal ones. Customers can choose from eleven different types of pasta. There is simply too much choice, and it makes orders complicated. The company announced to slim the menu down to its most popular and typical Vapiano dishes. There’s no need for an Asian salad at an Italian restaurant. "We have to go back to the roots, i.e. classic, honest Italian cuisine" says COO Everke. Regardless, in November of 2018, the supervisory board pulls the plug on CEO Jochen Halfmann and replaces him with Cornelius Everke. Everke himself has just become COO five months ago. Since 2017 he was responsible for international expansion. From 2011 to 2017 that role was filled by Mario Bauer – put a pin in that name, he’ll play a key role in the groups fate later. Then nine months later, in the middle of 2019, Cornelius Everke quits. He essentially concludes that his skillset and experience in the areas of internation expansion is no longer needed in the foreseeable future. To put it differently: Vapiano has moved from a growth story and has become a restructuring case, and other skills are required for that job. In June of 2019 Everke says the following “(we’ve) made a bit of a mistake when it came to foreign expansion”. No sh#t. Vapiano postpones the presentation of the 2018 annual financial statements three times in the spring of 2019, citing negotiations over an urgently needed loan of 30 million euros. It’s not until the end of May that a binding loan commitment comes through from the financing banks and major shareholders. We are now in August of 2019 and the corona pandemic is just around the corner. Supervisory board chief Vanessa Hall takes over as interim-CEO and things are unravelling. Visitor numbers are declining; originally, it was planned to sell the US business but halfway through the year the buyer cannot come up with the money. But not all restaurants are performing poorly. The group's poor figures contrast starkly as an example with the experiences of the Swiss-German franchisee, who runs six restaurants. The Sodano family in Switzerland pays Vapiano a royalty of 6% of sales for the use of the brand. Enrico Sodano explains in an interview that they operate largely autonomously from the licensor. If an “accident” were to occur, he could immediately replace the Vapiano sign with Sodano, he says. The family concluded the rents and contracts with employees and suppliers independently. The Sodano family have six locations in Bern, Basel and Zurich, around one million guests every year and 350 employees. Things are going well on the ground. The delivery service they’ve built is offering them a second income stream. Expansion into Winterthur, St. Gallen and Lucerne are being planned; small locations with 150 to 250 square meters and an attached delivery service. Originally, Vapiano restaurants used to be huge but for such a large restaurant to be profitable, 800 to 1,000 guests per day are needed. That’s possible in medium-sized cities, but not in smaller towns which is why the Vapiano group now also supports smaller formats. Back to our corporate drama. The 2019 annual report would be the last report the group files. By the end 2019 the outstanding debt of the company is at an astronomical 450 million euros. Revenue has grown by another 7%, produced by four net new openings through two JVs and two franchise restaurants but operating losses come in at 317 million euros. That sound like an absolute shocker at first but depreciation and amortization charges are 345 million, so that operating cash flow is actually positive but unfortunately capital expenditures and interest payments are so large that they are eating up all of the company’s operating cash flow. Then in the beginning of 2020 Corona hits with full force and the world shuts down. As a result of the measures to prevent further spreading of the virus, the group is forced to cease all global business operations (except in Sweden). While all these shutdowns are happening, the group is the middle of negotiating with its lending banks and main shareholders. There are additional financing needs for restructuring measures, even without a pandemic happening in the background. The situation is so dire that the company starts pleading to the German government to roll out the package of financial help more quickly. Unfortunately, it’s to no end. The rapid closure of restaurants and the resulting lack of operating cash inflows in conjunction with the additional financing requirements, lead to the company’s final knockout punch. In April of 2020, the Vapiano group officially files for insolvency proceedings. The end of an era. New BeginningsBecause of the pandemic, the majority of the group's subsidiaries in Austria, the Netherlands, Denmark, the United States, Sweden, and China also file for insolvency or seek liquidation. The US business never gets sold in the end and is wound down. In the summer of 2020, significant group divestments occur, including the sale of 75% shares in the group's French subsidiaries, shares in franchisor companies, Australian subsidiaries, German subsidiaries, associated companies, self-managed restaurants in Germany, and insolvency-related sales in the Netherlands, Great Britain, and Sweden. The buyer of the Vapiano brand and one of these bundles of Vapiano restaurants is company named Love & Food Restaurant Holding, a consortium led by Mario C. Bauer – a name I told you to remember. Bauer was a former Vapiano board member and led the national and international expansion, opening 200 sites in 33 countries from 2011 to 2017 until he was succeeded by Cornelius Everke. Bauer didn’t feel comfortable with the IPO at the time but clearly has a lot of managerial and entrepreneurial talent.The buyer consortium is an absolute A-Team comprised of European QSR top league hitters, including the founder of the Pret A Manger chain Sinclair Beecham; Henry McGovern, the founder and Ex-CEO of the giant international restaurant and foodservice operator AmRest; the Van der Valk Family that runs hotels and Vapiano restaurants in the Netherlands, and co-founder and ex-CEO Gregor Gerlach. The acquisition value is 15 million euros and entails 30 Vapiano restaurants in Germany, albeit that’s just the purchase price which comes on top of any capital investment needed to refresh and return the sites to its former glory. Nevertheless, just as a thought experiment, if you can get each site to 2 million euros of revenue and 400,000 euros in operating profit on average, which wouldn’t be an overly aggressively assumption given the company’s history, you’ve got yourself a package that can deliver restaurant-level operating profits of 12 million euros or more. It’s not disclosed how much capex was needed to refresh the operations, just that fact that the overall investment plus purchase price was a middle double-digit million-euro figure. Stil, it probably was a decent purchase. The same consortium buys Vapiano’s French business for 25 million euros just two weeks prior. After the transaction concludes, the master franchise is given to Delf Neumann and his Gastro & Soul GmbH. Neumann is an experienced operator, and he is ambitious to revitalise the brand with new services and products. For example, instead of pizza, the restaurants will be serving pinsa - a flatbread made from sourdough, wheat and rice flour, topped similarly to a pizza. It targets a more health-oriented customer base looking for a less calory heavy option. The menu overall is expanded by including a variety of vegan and vegetarian dishes. https://preview.redd.it/kpt7ea6red0d1.png?width=1242&format=png&auto=webp&s=c9930ced85ee364e9df414547cae06b47a03fc19 Today Neumann’s Gastro & Soul GmbH operates 18 Vapianos on its own account and has 29 franchise sites, amongst other brands. By the year 2021, Vapiano operates 191 restaurants in 34 countries. This is around 50 fewer sites than before the bankruptcy. The number of branches is particularly thinned out in Germany – from 80 to 55. Nevertheless, Vapiano's home country remains by far the largest market, followed by France with 35 restaurants and Austria with 15 locations. “We have shrunk ourselves to health,” says Bauer in the aftermath and there is no further shrinking planned. Quite the opposite, the smell of expansion is in the air again – pun intended. Not as aggressively as before and with a new menu and ordering process. Overall, the team around Bauer is filled with industry experts with knowledge and networks gained over decades who have a great track record, a long-term view, and the staying power to let Vapiano breath and finds its way back to success. The pressure of being a public company with all the associated quarterly, half-year and yearly disincentives have been removed. The menu is changed and extended with new types of pasta and sauces with significantly more vegetarian and vegan dishes available. Guests can order with restaurant staff, at terminals or on their phones and there are barcodes attached to the tables identify the respective seat. The food is brought to your table, all at the same time if you are in a group, no more annoyances with waiting in line. There is a plan for smaller, 350 square meter locations, with half the number of guests and significantly fewer staff and less set-up costs required to make the economics work. Locations that capitalize on remote work and increased demand for local lunch options, higher population density with shorter delivery routes and therefore cost-effective in house delivery services are targeted. And Bauer is testing the concept of ghost kitchens, which operate without a dining room or service staff, focusing solely on preparing food for delivery services, which for obvious reasons have a very different operational set up and footprint. Original founder Mark Korzilius however is not entirely convinced. He is not a fan of the pinsa for instance and he considers Vapiano's pizza as its cash cow, flagship product and believes that the core Vapiano proposition of Pizza, Pasta, Bar that has given the company its original success is being diluted. He instead admires the competitor L'Osteria, saying they’ve done a better job by focusing on Italian classics, especially the impressively large pizzas that sticks out beyond the plate is leaving every customer in awe. The guys who run L’Osteria are the same guys who have built Vapiano with him in the first place. Bauer on the other hand, like a true business leader, remains undeterred, stating that he is frequently asked whether Vapiano's restart was bold or foolish. He believes in entrepreneurship, franchising, in his experienced fellow partners and importantly the Vapiano concept. By the year 2024 you can find over 140 Vapiano branded restaurant in 27 countries across the globe, including locations far away from its birthplace like Australia, USA, Columbia, Chile, Bahrain, and Saudi Arabia. And why not? Italian food is, and will remain to be, incredibly popular. Vapiano offers fresh and tasty food at affordable prices in a good atmosphere. This combination of attributes should attract a lot of customers. It certainly has in the past. For more stories: WIP Thomas Weitzendoerfer Substack |
2024.05.14 12:40 leahhhhhhh_ks I feel like an asshole for sending my former friend mixed signals(a lot of rambling)
So my former friend, let’s call her Flower. About 6 months ago, I met Flower at my new school. Originally, I intended to stay friendless but Flower introduced herself to me and through some weird twist of partially untruthful events, we became friends. Anyways, at first I thought she was a little outspoken and opinionated than most other people, which I didn’t have any issues with at first. For context, our friendship before all the other issues was actually pretty decent. We shared common intrests and morals.
At one point, I had a little bit of a crush on her and I’m almost 100% sure she really liked me, like more than me. Which I blame on myself because I purposefully held hands with her on a few occasions, flirted with her, and all that other signal stuff. I’m pretty sure the only reason I even started liking her in the first place was because another girl I was close friends with had recently cut contact with me when I told her I liked her, around the same time I had met Flower. But recently I realized she has some issues with her social filter. Flower would just say some really unhinged things outloud.
For example, yelling to a girl with autism to “shut the fuck up” in class as well as picking on that same girl on an almost daily basis, telling boys that they’re gay even if they’re not and possibly making them feel insecure like for example two guys who are just walking by her and she just says “oooh how fruity” or “you guys are so gay” yall get the point. It’s not that she’s homophobic or anything like she’s actually gay too but idk that isn’t normal for people to just say outloud, and that was only a few examples of some of the things she said. The worst part was that Flower expected me to get behind her on everything she said. I tried not to obviously, I even apologized to a few people after she was done slandering them. I started giving her the cold shoulder for a few weeks after I began to take notice to her true colors, even ditching classes and running away from her to avoid seeing and talking to Flower.
It got so bad that about a week ago I sent her a really long text listing all the messed up things she’s done and said, that she really needs to fix whatever possesed her to do that crazy shit, and that I want no assosiation with her until she does fix her issues. Which, in hindsight was probably not the smartest move considering I have social studies and science projects with her. I’m 99% sure she cried after I sent her that text because I sent it to her in a class that I have with her and a few minutes after I sent it she went to the restroom and didn’t come back for like 10 minutes. Anyways, for the rest of the week, I’m a little ashamed to say I made it like my goal to smile at her everytime I saw her and act like I was living my best life while she was sulking and looking like a baby who throws a lot of tantrums(i don’t know how else to describe it that isn’t an insult to her). I even sent Flower a follow up message basically saying stop acting like a baby and man up(not in those words but that was like the sub text).
I feel bad for her, because I know I accidentally did that manipulation tactic on her. For those who aren’t familiar with it, it’s when you give a person a lot of love and attention then unexplainable draw back and be really cold to them, the person will miss the way they felt with your attention and crave your attention even more(or in my case making it hurt even more when I gave Flower an ultimatum).
So, people of Reddit, what do I do now? Any advice? Because I still have to see her and talk to her for school on an almost daily basis.
submitted by leahhhhhhh_ks to stories [link] [comments]
At one point, I had a little bit of a crush on her and I’m almost 100% sure she really liked me, like more than me. Which I blame on myself because I purposefully held hands with her on a few occasions, flirted with her, and all that other signal stuff. I’m pretty sure the only reason I even started liking her in the first place was because another girl I was close friends with had recently cut contact with me when I told her I liked her, around the same time I had met Flower. But recently I realized she has some issues with her social filter. Flower would just say some really unhinged things outloud.
For example, yelling to a girl with autism to “shut the fuck up” in class as well as picking on that same girl on an almost daily basis, telling boys that they’re gay even if they’re not and possibly making them feel insecure like for example two guys who are just walking by her and she just says “oooh how fruity” or “you guys are so gay” yall get the point. It’s not that she’s homophobic or anything like she’s actually gay too but idk that isn’t normal for people to just say outloud, and that was only a few examples of some of the things she said. The worst part was that Flower expected me to get behind her on everything she said. I tried not to obviously, I even apologized to a few people after she was done slandering them. I started giving her the cold shoulder for a few weeks after I began to take notice to her true colors, even ditching classes and running away from her to avoid seeing and talking to Flower.
It got so bad that about a week ago I sent her a really long text listing all the messed up things she’s done and said, that she really needs to fix whatever possesed her to do that crazy shit, and that I want no assosiation with her until she does fix her issues. Which, in hindsight was probably not the smartest move considering I have social studies and science projects with her. I’m 99% sure she cried after I sent her that text because I sent it to her in a class that I have with her and a few minutes after I sent it she went to the restroom and didn’t come back for like 10 minutes. Anyways, for the rest of the week, I’m a little ashamed to say I made it like my goal to smile at her everytime I saw her and act like I was living my best life while she was sulking and looking like a baby who throws a lot of tantrums(i don’t know how else to describe it that isn’t an insult to her). I even sent Flower a follow up message basically saying stop acting like a baby and man up(not in those words but that was like the sub text).
I feel bad for her, because I know I accidentally did that manipulation tactic on her. For those who aren’t familiar with it, it’s when you give a person a lot of love and attention then unexplainable draw back and be really cold to them, the person will miss the way they felt with your attention and crave your attention even more(or in my case making it hurt even more when I gave Flower an ultimatum).
So, people of Reddit, what do I do now? Any advice? Because I still have to see her and talk to her for school on an almost daily basis.
2024.05.14 12:40 oTalAmigoBi Wrapped up Superhot and Superhot: Mind Control Delete. The first one is a must-play, the second one not so much, but still pretty fun
Obviously skipping the VR one here as I do not have a VR set, nor am I planning in getting one.
SUPERHOT
At risk of hyping up a game that's already hyped up as a modern classic by a fair share of people, I have to say that Superhot is absolutely fantastic. Plays out like a really good mix of basic FPS gameplay and puzzles, in the sense that you actively have to figure out what's the next best move for you to do, as you clear out a room that would usually result in your death if played in real time. It's a great twist on the concept of shooters, and the result is an amazing game that is only held back by annoying button prompts and sections that are required to advance through the story.
The game was already great by itself, but it absolutely shines with the post-game challenges. No story segments to push through, just straight up gameplay, one level after the other, with different challenges that force you to see and replay the levels in a different style, to a point where you just zone out and fully focus on clearing level after level after level... at that point you're entranced, thus mimicking something the game talks about during the story.
It's simple. It's short. But you can get a lot out of it.
As for Mind Control Delete... there are ups and downs.
SUPERHOT: MIND CONTROL DELETE (MCD)
The best thing about this sequel is how they improved enemy AI. Katana wielders now deflect bullets as well, and if you throw something at a guy using a bat he will use it to cancel it out. They have more erratic movement, which can be either a plus or a negative to you. Personally I like it, makes it more challenging to kill the dudes.
On top of that, you now have several power ups that you can use to spice up your gameplay. You can spawn with a katana, or a random gun. You can be faster. You can have more bullets. You can become temporarily invincible by engaging in melee combat, skip your reload if your shot kills, accumulate HP as you kill more and more enemies, slow down bullets near you even further, increase your throwing strength so now shurikens come back to you if they hit an opponent... in short the powers are a great addition!
But to me... it lost a bit of the charm. This sequel plays like an entire game was made based around one of the alternative modes in the original Superhot (and not even my favourite), so it feels like a sort of spin off, rather than a true sequel. To me, the joy of Superhot was in figuring a carefully built level out (solving the puzzle) and then tackling it in different ways without getting hit, not even once!
MCD simply throws you into a gauntlet of levels (and give you at least 2 hearts, so you can get hit at least once) and while that is certainly fun... it feels a lot like a separate mode, rather than the Superhot experience I've had with the original. Which results in a game that feels more like a shooter employing Superhot mechanics, and is still technically Superhot, but it's just not the same. It's too random. Too reliant on killing X dudes in this well-designed room. At least the original could tell a very small, self-contained story with each level. In this one you're just there.
By no means do I consider the latest entry a bad game! Far from it. It just doesn't scratch the same itch.
CONCEPT
I'm using concept here instead of plot since it fits Superhot better. I mean... there is a plot and some lore, sure, but I feel this game is more concept-driven than the other way around. Meaning that there is a theme, and there is a narrative going on, but it all circles around this idea of the game being very addicting and spreading like a virus. Both the original and the sequel play off these tones, but in different ways.
SOUND
Other than certain sections, there is no music. Just straight up beautiful, satisfying, eargasmic sound design. I also enjoyed how in certain levels you can actually hear the background if you don't stop, especially in the Disco level in MCD where the music gets less muted if you keep moving, thus sort of influencing you to play it as close to real-time as possible.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Absolutely a modern classic for sure with an idea that just works in both gameplay and in a conceptual sense. MCD is also pretty fun, but if the puzzle aspect is what captivated you the most in the first game, curb your expectations a little before playing it.
submitted by oTalAmigoBi to patientgamers [link] [comments]
SUPERHOT
At risk of hyping up a game that's already hyped up as a modern classic by a fair share of people, I have to say that Superhot is absolutely fantastic. Plays out like a really good mix of basic FPS gameplay and puzzles, in the sense that you actively have to figure out what's the next best move for you to do, as you clear out a room that would usually result in your death if played in real time. It's a great twist on the concept of shooters, and the result is an amazing game that is only held back by annoying button prompts and sections that are required to advance through the story.
The game was already great by itself, but it absolutely shines with the post-game challenges. No story segments to push through, just straight up gameplay, one level after the other, with different challenges that force you to see and replay the levels in a different style, to a point where you just zone out and fully focus on clearing level after level after level... at that point you're entranced, thus mimicking something the game talks about during the story.
It's simple. It's short. But you can get a lot out of it.
As for Mind Control Delete... there are ups and downs.
SUPERHOT: MIND CONTROL DELETE (MCD)
The best thing about this sequel is how they improved enemy AI. Katana wielders now deflect bullets as well, and if you throw something at a guy using a bat he will use it to cancel it out. They have more erratic movement, which can be either a plus or a negative to you. Personally I like it, makes it more challenging to kill the dudes.
On top of that, you now have several power ups that you can use to spice up your gameplay. You can spawn with a katana, or a random gun. You can be faster. You can have more bullets. You can become temporarily invincible by engaging in melee combat, skip your reload if your shot kills, accumulate HP as you kill more and more enemies, slow down bullets near you even further, increase your throwing strength so now shurikens come back to you if they hit an opponent... in short the powers are a great addition!
But to me... it lost a bit of the charm. This sequel plays like an entire game was made based around one of the alternative modes in the original Superhot (and not even my favourite), so it feels like a sort of spin off, rather than a true sequel. To me, the joy of Superhot was in figuring a carefully built level out (solving the puzzle) and then tackling it in different ways without getting hit, not even once!
MCD simply throws you into a gauntlet of levels (and give you at least 2 hearts, so you can get hit at least once) and while that is certainly fun... it feels a lot like a separate mode, rather than the Superhot experience I've had with the original. Which results in a game that feels more like a shooter employing Superhot mechanics, and is still technically Superhot, but it's just not the same. It's too random. Too reliant on killing X dudes in this well-designed room. At least the original could tell a very small, self-contained story with each level. In this one you're just there.
By no means do I consider the latest entry a bad game! Far from it. It just doesn't scratch the same itch.
CONCEPT
I'm using concept here instead of plot since it fits Superhot better. I mean... there is a plot and some lore, sure, but I feel this game is more concept-driven than the other way around. Meaning that there is a theme, and there is a narrative going on, but it all circles around this idea of the game being very addicting and spreading like a virus. Both the original and the sequel play off these tones, but in different ways.
SOUND
Other than certain sections, there is no music. Just straight up beautiful, satisfying, eargasmic sound design. I also enjoyed how in certain levels you can actually hear the background if you don't stop, especially in the Disco level in MCD where the music gets less muted if you keep moving, thus sort of influencing you to play it as close to real-time as possible.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Absolutely a modern classic for sure with an idea that just works in both gameplay and in a conceptual sense. MCD is also pretty fun, but if the puzzle aspect is what captivated you the most in the first game, curb your expectations a little before playing it.
2024.05.14 12:39 Chemical_Life5511 No good deed goes unpunished So I moved into a house about 2 months ago and did not have a lawn mower for a month of that time. My yard was about 3 feet tall of weeds and so was my neighbors. When I got my first ever brand new lawn mower I took care of my yard and also took care of my neighbors, b
No good deed goes unpunished
So I moved into a house about 2 months ago and did not have a lawn mower for a month of that time. My yard was about 3 feet tall of weeds and so was my neighbors. When I got my first ever brand new lawn mower I took care of my yard and also took care of my neighbors, because I wanted to be a good neighbor I turned down the offer of money and beer simply because the act of being nice was repayment enough. I noticed they had a steel cable about 1/2 thick in their yard it was a bike lock. I tried to pull it out but was unable to. Now mind you the grass/weeds where really really tall 3 feet no joke.
I was mowing my yard yesterday and the same neighbor whos lawn I mowed came over and asked to borrow my BRAND new mower. I told him I would gladly do it one more time for him.. But he said he rather do it himself.. I thought no big deal. I was working on building a fence while he was mowing and I heard a loud noise then the mower stopped. It started up again a few seconds later.. I told him to just leave the mower in front of my garage and it looked like the pic when he returned it.
I saw him after he was done mowing and he didn't say a thing. Then I notice the steel cable in the yard no longer in the ground.. This SOB had his head in the sand and just blindly ran the damn thing over. And there is NO WAY he didn't notice it. It stopped the mower and the damage is plain as day I noticed it the second I looked at the mower.. He is a renter and will be staying in the house for the next year so I don't want to cause any petty issues..
what would you all do?
My plan is ts simply tell him " your yard is too hard on mowers" next time he asks to borrow it.
Processing img osvkmjfbyb0d1...
submitted by Chemical_Life5511 to AITAH [link] [comments]
So I moved into a house about 2 months ago and did not have a lawn mower for a month of that time. My yard was about 3 feet tall of weeds and so was my neighbors. When I got my first ever brand new lawn mower I took care of my yard and also took care of my neighbors, because I wanted to be a good neighbor I turned down the offer of money and beer simply because the act of being nice was repayment enough. I noticed they had a steel cable about 1/2 thick in their yard it was a bike lock. I tried to pull it out but was unable to. Now mind you the grass/weeds where really really tall 3 feet no joke.
I was mowing my yard yesterday and the same neighbor whos lawn I mowed came over and asked to borrow my BRAND new mower. I told him I would gladly do it one more time for him.. But he said he rather do it himself.. I thought no big deal. I was working on building a fence while he was mowing and I heard a loud noise then the mower stopped. It started up again a few seconds later.. I told him to just leave the mower in front of my garage and it looked like the pic when he returned it.
I saw him after he was done mowing and he didn't say a thing. Then I notice the steel cable in the yard no longer in the ground.. This SOB had his head in the sand and just blindly ran the damn thing over. And there is NO WAY he didn't notice it. It stopped the mower and the damage is plain as day I noticed it the second I looked at the mower.. He is a renter and will be staying in the house for the next year so I don't want to cause any petty issues..
what would you all do?
My plan is ts simply tell him " your yard is too hard on mowers" next time he asks to borrow it.
Processing img osvkmjfbyb0d1...
2024.05.14 12:39 BoredCryptoGuy Earn Free Crypto While Shopping with FortunX.com
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submitted by BoredCryptoGuy to FortunX [link] [comments]
But fear not, because we've got something exciting to share with you – FortunX.com!
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2024.05.14 12:38 erukami I thought I had dyshidrosis, it was a fungal infection (tinea/ringworm)
 | First and foremost, I am going to say that my situation is unique to me and I am not saying that what I am posting will apply to those reading. Nor am I saying replies on this subreddit are right or wrong. This is just sharing lessons learned in the case it may help others and is NOT medical advice. When it doubt, go read rule 2 of this sub. submitted by erukami to Dyshidrosis [link] [comments] TLDR: I thought I had dyshidrosis but I had a fungal infection that looked absolutely nothing like a fungal infection from existing pictures on the internet. Don't be me, go see a doctor for an official diagnosis if you haven't already. Just to give a little background on me, I have never been diagnosed with any form of eczema or allergies but some of my family has. Additionally, I have had slightly itchy bumps and extremely dry skin on one of my fingers for a few years now and attributed it as dyshidrosis without getting a dermotologist to look at it (failure on my part, lesson learned). This all changed in February, when I developed swelling and very itch bumps on two of my fingers and the little clusters of fluid filled spots spread across those fingers. I found this subreddit and started trying out things that worked for people here. I tried moisterizers, a different soap, avoiding overly hot water, and soaking/cold compressing my hands. Nothing worked and the clusters had spread to other fingers. Finally talked to a doctor about it (should have done this sooner, but not easy for my area and I idiotically decided to wait it out) through a virtual appointment and they prescribed a steroid cream. The cream looked like it was helping the first day I used it and then I quickly noticed something was not right. The spots had mostly kept to the sides of my fingers but were rapidly progressing towards my fingerprint on one of the initial fingers. Also, spots were appearing in random areas on the affected fingers. During that, I also noticed this new spot that made me think fungal infection: Hard to see, but that is a ring That area had not been affected by the bumps or clusters prior to applying the cream. I consulted multiple pharmacists (no doctors available) about it and they told me I hadn't used the cream long enough to really see a good result. So I posted here: I waited a few more days only to see continued spread and eventually major blisters, that continuously weeped, appeared on two of my fingers. I tried to find a doctor's appointment to no avail, so I went to talk to a pharmacist again and was told to continue the cream. I also posted here again: If you gave me advice on either post, thank you for taking the time to respond. I greatly appreciate it. I luckily landed an in-person appointment with a clinic that had just recently re-opened. Was told to stop the cream and that I probably had a bacterial infection. The doctor also took swabs for testing. I had explained the spread to the doctor and thought to voice my opinion about it being fungal, but I decided against it (I should have, lesson learned). Got a 10 day antibiotic and it quickly took care of the major blisters. It did not solve the clusters or swelling though and I wanted to talk to the doctor again, but was convinced to wait it out. Towards the end of the antibiotic, I noticed the clusters were spreading again except in a circle pattern, my fingers were still swollen, and spots had started to appear on my other hand. Got another appointment with the same clinic and the doctor suspected it was a fungal infection caused by the bacterial infection (definitely the reverse). Got a 14 day anti-fungal cream prescription and thought that would be the end of this. 5 days later, the spreading didn't stop and I was not noticing any improvements. Decided against waiting it out and contacted the clinic for another follow-up. This time I got a stronger anti-fungal and steroid cream and it wiped out the infection within the recommended application period. So I had a fungal infection for a little over 2.5 months. Here's some key lesson learned I am taking away from this situation:
|
2024.05.14 12:35 MachineWorldly9600 Revisiting an old favorite.
Solitude and quiet reflection have brought me back to my bookshelf. I found this book — it was my favorite years ago, somehow I forgot it. It was always on my shelf. Resisting the urge to point to the obvious but still pointing to it. I’m always afraid I’m going to miss something so I miss the tiny things, something like that, right?
I resonated so strongly with these confessionalists at the time, these deep romantic stories.
Feeling the strangest sense of… Dejavouz. Not that one, another one. Another ephemeral word that would encapsulate the beauty of love, the passion of the flame of it all, the enduring understanding to stick it through. Something beautiful, almost like Mono no aware, a quiet smile, knowing that one day everything will be different.
I found these and am sending them through the airwaves to you, past you, or present you, if you are open to reading them.
“To avoid discovery I stay on the run. To discover things for myself, I stay on the run...”.
“And I thought of us, years and years later, you and I, in Paris, and how you seemed to be saying we had every choice, every chance. You acted as though you were free, but you were a ransom note. I paid to watch. I watched your fingers, your red mouth. I watched you undress. I didn't see you go. Later I was still paying and I never counted the cost. You were worth it. Again and again you were worth it. My heart has unlimited funds. Draw on them. Draw them down. Draw me down on top of you. How much? Everything? All right.”
“What is it that I have to tell myself again and again? That there is always a new beginning, a different end.”
Quotes by Jeanette Winterson in the PowerBook. A book on my shelf that I’ve had longer than I ever knew you. It was on my green bookshelf in the house we once shared, even. I don’t have a beautiful way to wrap these up but do you see the thread?
((To the readers of the sub who are looking for their person, I am not her. This is just for one person, a beautiful, brilliant woman who I had an in person relationship with for years. I will not be sharing our story, there’s mountains between us and I wanted to piece these all together in a thought collage and no, please don’t tell me to reach out, that is not your place to decide. It’s hers. Thank you.))
I did find one that you, a stranger, may enjoy, from the same book.
I keep telling this story - different people, different places, different times - but always you, always me, always this story, because a story is a tight rope between two worlds.
Missing you with nothing but silly appreciation, to my ex love, from their ex love.
submitted by MachineWorldly9600 to UnsentLetters [link] [comments]
I resonated so strongly with these confessionalists at the time, these deep romantic stories.
Feeling the strangest sense of… Dejavouz. Not that one, another one. Another ephemeral word that would encapsulate the beauty of love, the passion of the flame of it all, the enduring understanding to stick it through. Something beautiful, almost like Mono no aware, a quiet smile, knowing that one day everything will be different.
I found these and am sending them through the airwaves to you, past you, or present you, if you are open to reading them.
“To avoid discovery I stay on the run. To discover things for myself, I stay on the run...”.
“And I thought of us, years and years later, you and I, in Paris, and how you seemed to be saying we had every choice, every chance. You acted as though you were free, but you were a ransom note. I paid to watch. I watched your fingers, your red mouth. I watched you undress. I didn't see you go. Later I was still paying and I never counted the cost. You were worth it. Again and again you were worth it. My heart has unlimited funds. Draw on them. Draw them down. Draw me down on top of you. How much? Everything? All right.”
“What is it that I have to tell myself again and again? That there is always a new beginning, a different end.”
Quotes by Jeanette Winterson in the PowerBook. A book on my shelf that I’ve had longer than I ever knew you. It was on my green bookshelf in the house we once shared, even. I don’t have a beautiful way to wrap these up but do you see the thread?
((To the readers of the sub who are looking for their person, I am not her. This is just for one person, a beautiful, brilliant woman who I had an in person relationship with for years. I will not be sharing our story, there’s mountains between us and I wanted to piece these all together in a thought collage and no, please don’t tell me to reach out, that is not your place to decide. It’s hers. Thank you.))
I did find one that you, a stranger, may enjoy, from the same book.
I keep telling this story - different people, different places, different times - but always you, always me, always this story, because a story is a tight rope between two worlds.
Missing you with nothing but silly appreciation, to my ex love, from their ex love.
2024.05.14 12:34 No-Psychology5571 Did Jesus Die ?
So recently I’ve came across a verse in the Quran which says that Allah killed Jesus (read it in arabic, not the English translations that don’t translate it accurately).
مَا قُلْتُ لَهُمْ إِلَّا مَآ أَمَرْتَنِى بِهِۦٓ أَنِ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ رَبِّى وَرَبَّكُمْ ۚ وَكُنتُ عَلَيْهِمْ شَهِيدًۭا مَّا دُمْتُ فِيهِمْ ۖ فَلَمَّا تَوَفَّيْتَنِى كُنتَ أَنتَ ٱلرَّقِيبَ عَلَيْهِمْ ۚ وَأَنتَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ شَهِيدٌ ١١٧
Quran 5:117
I never told them anything except what You ordered me to say: “Worship Allah—my Lord and your Lord!” And I was witness over them as long as I remained among them. But when You took me [The Arabic Word Tawaffani Actually Means When You Caused Me To Die / Killed Me - Very Clear), You were the Witness over them—and You are a Witness over all things.
This reminded me of the verse in the Quran where the Prophet is commanded to ask for proof from the Torah when they claimed certain things about God’s law:
ll food was lawful for the children of Israel, except what Israel made unlawful for himself before the Torah was revealed. Say, ˹O Prophet,˺ “Bring the Torah and read it, if your claims are true.” [3:93-95]
(QUESTIONS: Is the prophet’s example one we should follow here ? If someone claims something is Haram, should we ask for proof from the scripture or from outside of it ? Have we made things unlawful for ourselves that Allah did not ?)
Is the narrative that we have become accustomed to as Muslims actually supported in the Quran itself ? Or are we adding our own inferences to it and following our logic rather than the text ?
I watched this video for further context, very interesting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=TR3NSX3UFy8
I’ll pull up all verses related to Jesus’ death ‘ resurrection so that we can have a discussion on it.
submitted by No-Psychology5571 to IslamReason [link] [comments]
مَا قُلْتُ لَهُمْ إِلَّا مَآ أَمَرْتَنِى بِهِۦٓ أَنِ ٱعْبُدُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ رَبِّى وَرَبَّكُمْ ۚ وَكُنتُ عَلَيْهِمْ شَهِيدًۭا مَّا دُمْتُ فِيهِمْ ۖ فَلَمَّا تَوَفَّيْتَنِى كُنتَ أَنتَ ٱلرَّقِيبَ عَلَيْهِمْ ۚ وَأَنتَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ شَهِيدٌ ١١٧
Quran 5:117
I never told them anything except what You ordered me to say: “Worship Allah—my Lord and your Lord!” And I was witness over them as long as I remained among them. But when You took me [The Arabic Word Tawaffani Actually Means When You Caused Me To Die / Killed Me - Very Clear), You were the Witness over them—and You are a Witness over all things.
This reminded me of the verse in the Quran where the Prophet is commanded to ask for proof from the Torah when they claimed certain things about God’s law:
ll food was lawful for the children of Israel, except what Israel made unlawful for himself before the Torah was revealed. Say, ˹O Prophet,˺ “Bring the Torah and read it, if your claims are true.” [3:93-95]
(QUESTIONS: Is the prophet’s example one we should follow here ? If someone claims something is Haram, should we ask for proof from the scripture or from outside of it ? Have we made things unlawful for ourselves that Allah did not ?)
Is the narrative that we have become accustomed to as Muslims actually supported in the Quran itself ? Or are we adding our own inferences to it and following our logic rather than the text ?
I watched this video for further context, very interesting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=TR3NSX3UFy8
I’ll pull up all verses related to Jesus’ death ‘ resurrection so that we can have a discussion on it.
2024.05.14 12:34 whodisguy32 30 yr old virgin NEET's Guide to Success and Happiness in Life (Page 1 - Exposition)
Exposition
There is one reason and one reason only that I’m writing this book - I absolutely love my life, and I want to share that with you so you can as well.
My hope is that you can take at least one thing away from this book, and use it in a way that brings you closer to loving your life.
You may be unhappy, lost, feel like a failure, or maybe even live a perfectly happy life, but are curious to learn more about human nature. Any which way, you will get something from this book, and whatever you get is perfect.
Before that, let's address the elephant in the room; why would you listen to a 30 year old virgin NEET (who lives with his mom I might add) about success and happiness? He’s a loser isn’t he?
Well yes, depending on who you ask. On Reddit, it’s pretty bad. I’ve been called loser, idiot, freeloader, incel, dumbass, and several other dehumanizing things I don’t recall off the top of my head. It used to get a reaction out of me when I first started Reddit, but now I just think it’s pretty interesting, because it says more about those people than it does about me.
Those people all have one thing in common, and that is they are judging me based on their own values and beliefs.
It’s pretty obvious if you think about it. How can they make such a claim when they have no idea who I am and only see that little bit that I commented (or if they are really ambitious, check my profile to see all my anime posts/comments)?
The answer to that is that they are trapped in a mental box of how things ‘should’ be. For them, NEET = loser, 30 year old virgin = incel, living with mom = freeloader, etc
I actually feel bad for them, because I know from experience, being trapped in a mental box is one of the worst ways to go through life. Actually, most people are some degree of trapped in their own mental box, unless they had a perfect childhood, went through a lot of introspection, or had some life event that ‘enlightened’ to who they really are.
When I was younger, I was trapped in that mental box and would have judged people the same way (but maybe not be so direct or harsh about it). In my case my mental box was particularly limiting in areas of self-expression, self-confidence, and especially relationships.
So throughout the rest of this book, I will detail how I was when I was still trapped in that mental box, how I ‘got out’, what I learned, and who I became after I was 'freed'. Since my mental boxes limited me in those three areas the most (self-expression, self-confidence, and relationships), I will go through each in their own section.
As I’m going through my own journey of enlightenment, think about which areas in your life you feel where you are stuck, limited, or you are not where you want to be. Those are the areas where your mental box is trapping you. For now just notice them, maybe write them down if you feel compelled to.
Next page, I will break down this mental box - what it is, how it was created, how to dismantle it, and lastly how to keep it from forming again.
submitted by whodisguy32 to EnlightenmentBook [link] [comments]
There is one reason and one reason only that I’m writing this book - I absolutely love my life, and I want to share that with you so you can as well.
My hope is that you can take at least one thing away from this book, and use it in a way that brings you closer to loving your life.
You may be unhappy, lost, feel like a failure, or maybe even live a perfectly happy life, but are curious to learn more about human nature. Any which way, you will get something from this book, and whatever you get is perfect.
Before that, let's address the elephant in the room; why would you listen to a 30 year old virgin NEET (who lives with his mom I might add) about success and happiness? He’s a loser isn’t he?
Well yes, depending on who you ask. On Reddit, it’s pretty bad. I’ve been called loser, idiot, freeloader, incel, dumbass, and several other dehumanizing things I don’t recall off the top of my head. It used to get a reaction out of me when I first started Reddit, but now I just think it’s pretty interesting, because it says more about those people than it does about me.
Those people all have one thing in common, and that is they are judging me based on their own values and beliefs.
It’s pretty obvious if you think about it. How can they make such a claim when they have no idea who I am and only see that little bit that I commented (or if they are really ambitious, check my profile to see all my anime posts/comments)?
The answer to that is that they are trapped in a mental box of how things ‘should’ be. For them, NEET = loser, 30 year old virgin = incel, living with mom = freeloader, etc
I actually feel bad for them, because I know from experience, being trapped in a mental box is one of the worst ways to go through life. Actually, most people are some degree of trapped in their own mental box, unless they had a perfect childhood, went through a lot of introspection, or had some life event that ‘enlightened’ to who they really are.
When I was younger, I was trapped in that mental box and would have judged people the same way (but maybe not be so direct or harsh about it). In my case my mental box was particularly limiting in areas of self-expression, self-confidence, and especially relationships.
So throughout the rest of this book, I will detail how I was when I was still trapped in that mental box, how I ‘got out’, what I learned, and who I became after I was 'freed'. Since my mental boxes limited me in those three areas the most (self-expression, self-confidence, and relationships), I will go through each in their own section.
As I’m going through my own journey of enlightenment, think about which areas in your life you feel where you are stuck, limited, or you are not where you want to be. Those are the areas where your mental box is trapping you. For now just notice them, maybe write them down if you feel compelled to.
Next page, I will break down this mental box - what it is, how it was created, how to dismantle it, and lastly how to keep it from forming again.
2024.05.14 12:34 Emotionaldamage6-9 My journey from being a loner to a more social person and things that I have learned.
you will eventually overcome this, remember this- socialising is a skill, the more you go outside the more outgoing you become, the more you socialise the more social you become if that is what you deeply want. I am 23, but till 2023 I was a loner and only had couple of friends, more like 2 buddies. I once went on a journey with my classmates 84 in total for 8 days. It was hard to socialise even then as I restricted myself because of my 2 friends who were very similar to me. we were kinda boys who wanted to socialise but never tried to put effort ,fearing embarrassment and awkwardness. After graduation, I joined some programming exam preparation course, Now I had 2 options. They offered same course in 2 ways, one was online and second was offline. I knew that to get better at interaction with people I have to meet people offline(I was tired of being a loner and decided to change it). Even though the tuition was far away I opted for the second. It was a new environment where nobody actually knew me. They didn't know my cringey past or embarrassing moments, or I was rejected in hallway by a girl that I tried to propose. To them I as a person was a total blank page which they had no info about. So it was easy for me to fake my confidence and Interact with people. Everyone there thought I was a very social person. I used to interact with everyone, even kids from other batches. Some friends there used to call me to the go outside and hangout at first and then after sometime everyone formed their own group, it wasn't like they ghosted me or stopped talking to me, but like just stopped inviting me to go outside with them. I for a long time wondered what went wrong and what wrong did I do. Our 1 month course got over and everyone went their own way, made a few connection with boys but never interacted with girls as I was bit awkward around them. After 3 month or so after that I cracked the exams and I joined the 6 month crash course(currently 2 months in) and have made good friends here, the difference is now I am getting Invited to parties, to hang out at night, to go go-karting, music fest, and a lot. This time I got my answer as to why I wasn't getting invited when doing 1 month course. It was because I wasn't taking the initiative to invite. Things I have learned: 1. Its easy to get into new group of friend than to enter a already long formed friend circle, humans are territorial and possessive, we feel infiltrated when someone tries to barge in our group. 2. Things take time, you can't force friendship on others, let it be natural and people will naturally come closer to you. 3. Start doing activities you like and you will find like minded people who enjoy doing same things as you. 4. you should know when to let go and when to hold on to people. Some people I have tried to stop from leaving me and they still left no matter how hard I tried and some only needed me to remind them only once that lets stay in contact and we still have that connection. 5. Don't try to be alone everytime, go out and interact. being alone for longer time can lead to loneliness and sad state of mind. it's a slippery slope or a spiral downward, nothing good comes out of it. 6. Initiate- be the first to interact, if you are uncomfortable with girls just start by interacting with boys, men, older men. Most people don't mind and are sweet. The more you do it, the better you get. 7. Hang out with people who you want to be like, try socialising with social people more, Interact with everyone but don't try to hang out with people who are not willing to(e.g- I went for drinks with my friends and this one good friend we tried to invite her and she was not feeling like it, we still tried to convince her twice and after that we just went on our own and enjoyed, cracking joke,dancing,singing...) 8. Do it anyways- if you want to go out with friend or group and they are not in the mood, don't let their mood affect yours. Go out anyways without them but also at first try to invite them to hangout, if they say yes then it's good, if no then just say to yourself I am going regardless , I enjoy my own company. 9. Don't limit yourself to certain group of people or friends. If you feel like going out and some friends say no, its good to have many people that you can ask. 10. Now as a social person I am looking for more social people to hangout, age, gender, race don't matter to me. what you are is what you attract. 11. live in present, start new. Just think you are a social and spontaneous person and act according to it. Now I just think and do it without giving a second thought. If I want to go to a bar, I just put my shoes on and go(ofcourse ask if anyone is down for it), If I want to travel to certain city I just pack my bag and leave(if possible due to work or else I follow my plan and travel on holidays) Don't wait for things to fall in place or right time, there is no right time. 12. I wish I started interacting with people a long ago, but yk the best time to plant apple tree was 10 yrs ago and the next best time is today. Start it from today. 6 months are enough to change a person. At first I thought this is all bs, but for me it took only 6 month. for 23 years I was in your position, and it only took 6 months for a better start. If anyone wants to talk more about this or just have a convo, don't mind DMing me. I love interacting with people and I don't judge(positivity is what I seek and positivity is what i radiate)
submitted by Emotionaldamage6-9 to socialskills [link] [comments]
2024.05.14 12:34 Bubbly-Emu95 Ex boyfriend (30M) wants an abortion, I (28F) want to keep the baby but I am scared to raise the baby on my own
I am currently 6 weeks pregnant with my ex boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. We spent the last 2 years having sex almost everyday without contraceptives, as we were ready for any risks, we were not actively trying, but not actively preventing.
We decided to take a break due to arguments over the past month, and on our last day together, we had unprotective sex (we didn’t have sex for 3 weeks at that point). I took a test upon unusual symptoms and missed period, and discovered I am pregnant.
I informed him last week and I think he’s still in denial. He asked me to go for a scan to confirm so he can tell his parents and he has expressed that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for him, and I should get an abortion. He is not ready for fatherhood and doesn’t see that we can work things out in the future. I encouraged him to reconcile, not as a couple, but as civil adults to make communications easier in the following weeks or potentially years. He refused and told me I should talk to people for advice. I have spoke to my best friends and I don’t have a solution, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my child to grow up without a father figure but I also don’t want to have this kind of father in its life. I only had one sex partner my whole life so there is no possibility that he is not the father. I’m personally also not ready to raise the child as a single mother without support. If this pregnancy happened few months back, I would not have the same doubts I currently have. I considered abortion after the conversation with him but I don’t want to end my own child’s life because of our unresolved issues. My family don’t live in the same country as me, so I will not have day-to-day help. My friends are supportive but I don’t think it’s realistic for me to raise the baby without a partner. I have all sorts of concerns and I am not in the right headspace at the moment to be thinking clearly.
For context - I (28F) moved in to live with my boyfriend (30M) after 2 years of dating, we barely had any disagreements throughout the first 2 years, we were both in love, and decided that we were ready for our next stages in life so we moved in together. We were certain that we were compatible despite our differences in interests - we are very different people in the best ways, and grew to love and learn of each other’s character. Our lives are very intertwined, and our respective friend groups are very involved in our lives. We had a healthy lifestyle and socially active ever since we got together.
Fast forward to 2 months ago, we were discussing wedding plans. We previously agreed that we would move in together > get engaged > married > have children. I expressed that I didn’t really want to move in together until I get a reassurance from him this is for lifetime, he told me not to worry because he already had plans to propose to me and it’s ok to move in first and then get married as we are living together. He suggested that we could plan the wedding first because weddings take at least a year ahead to plan, and the proposal will happen sometime later this year. Our first big argument came because of his unrealistic expectations and lack of logic and sense in event planning (he was never really a planner or an organized person, I do most of our travel logistics and household plannings).
Few weeks later I discovered that he was withholding his plans made with a colleague that I didn’t particularly liked, I felt strange that he had to hide this fact from me. I don’t believe that he was disloyal or anything but I didn’t understand why he lied. I exploded, demanded to check his phone, then I discovered more things he was hiding from me, including going on walks during lunch with the same female colleagues. I also discovered the group chat with his boys where they were making jokes about us getting married. I was livid and we argued over our definition of commitment, I questioned his maturity and his intentions to settle. He told me he was ready to settle with me, and suggested that we go pick out rings the next day.
The real issue came in when he called his parents to ask them for their blessing in our marriage. His parents disapproved, and called me materialistic, questioned my family, my social circle, my religion, my political views… etc. My boyfriend could’ve easily justified every one of the points they have made about me but I guess he was too in shock of their response to defend me. His parents never really agreed with our relationship to begin with, they never wanted him to date and thinks he should be focused on his career at this age rather than dating, despite this we spent every holidays and celebrations the last two years with his family and we thought they have grown to accept me as they had been very friendly with me, I guess it was all a facade. I was disappointed and lashed out at him. And somehow our previous issue with his ‘commitment’ was brushed under the rug.
He says he cannot propose to me when he doesn’t have his parents blessing. I gave him a deadline the next day to make a decision, if he cannot talk it out with his parents then I will have to let this end. He came back the next day, and told me his dad apologized and would like to reconcile with me. And he came back to tell me he was ready to settle.
The following weeks we continued to have smaller disagreements and I was still uncomfortable to face his parents, as he would return home a different person, and treats me worse every time after every time he had met up with his parents. Before all these issues, we had made plans to visit my grandparents and his extended family who were both living in the same country. On our way there, I expressed that I would want to remain with my grandparents and not join his family trip as I’m not ready to face his parents yet. He tried to persuade me to go and that his parents will apologize to me, but I was still very uncomfortable. I told him I’ll only go if he can give me reassurance and that I will only go on another family trip with him if he can give me the status as his fiancé before I can face them. He said if he were to propose to me now he cannot face his parents, and he told his parents he has plans to propose to me on this trip, but they insisted that they should reconcile with me before he can propose as I would potentially “steal their grandchildren away from them” in the future if we don’t make up. He told me he even brought the ring with him but he can’t do it. I walked away from him, I felt so betrayed and lost in a foreign country. I got very emotional and told him he made feel worthless and want to end my life. I was not in the right headspace after a whole month of torment and I didn’t have the energy to reason with him any longer. I gave in and proceeded with the rest of our trip.
The day before we went to meet his family, I told him I wanted to go somewhere else instead and I still wasn’t ready. When he was making changes to our tickets, I saw his sister’s message on his phone, saying that it’ll be better in the long run if he sort out the parents issue first and don’t propose to me yet. I snatched his phone and spoke with his sister. After I told her everything, she apologized and gave me the reassurance that their family will treat me with respect and will apologize to me the first thing they see me, and that they just want to reconcile before we move forward to the next stage in life. I felt it was reasonable and reassured after my conversation with her, so I decided to give it a go.
When we did finally meet up with his parents, they pretended as if nothing has happened. Few days later we finally had the ‘conversation’. His dad started off by saying he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to get married at the moment, and kept going on about their same points again, he said our relationship hasn’t been long enough for us to decide marriage at this stage. They claimed their comments weren’t a personal attack, they didn’t apologize and said that I was ‘thinking too much’ for this to be a personal attack because it was simply a generalization, then dismissed me for being upset for hearing from my bf because he wasn’t supposed to tell me, and proceeds to keep commenting about me and my friends and how they disagree with their celebrations of weddings.
I respectfully explained we are not having these discussions about marriage out of no where, we have been having discussions on marriage throughout our 2 years. In fact our plans to have children was the basis of our relationship and were his requirements, and we just want to move forward with the next part of our lives. His mom doesn’t think I need to think about having children at this moment and it’s not a good time for us to have children, because she had kids much later in life and apparently so is everyone else, and we shouldn’t be following my ‘timeline’ on when things should be happening. Apparently I should not have such control over the timing of giving birth ‘like a reproduction machine’, and it’s not right to have to set such timeline on how much time I need for recovery and time between having each children. She asks why do we feel the need and so early in life to get married now? And ditch your own families and start your own life.
His dad said I should not decide right now how many kids we need to have and it’s rather in gods hands to decide, and some people are not even be able to have more than 1 kid, I asked him why is this relevant in regards to our plans to have kids… so I have to listen to god now and have kids without planning? And then he started giving this bs about god and how we are not meant to plan ‘these things’ out in life so specifically. I asked him: What is wrong with being practical and setting realistic goals. He claimed he doesn’t think it’s wrong to have plans but we shouldn’t be so set and ‘controlling’ over our own lives. He has experience and we should listen to the grown ups with experience… I knew the conversation wasn’t going to get anywhere as soon as he brings religion into this.
My boyfriend just stood there in silence. After the conversation ended we both walked away from his parents, he apologized to me and told me he’s sorry for any of the things his parents have said to me and I didn’t deserve it. He says he won’t listen to his parents anymore, and he knows how to make this right, and he will propose once we return to my grandparent’s place. I didn’t challenge him anymore because I that was the reassurance I needed from him, and I was happy that he was finally able to see his parents for who they are.
The following days of the trip, his dad tried to isolate him from rest of the family to give him the same lecture. Every time he rejoins the group I can see from his expression that their conversation did not go well, I didn’t comment. On the day we returned to my grandparent’s home, he told me he can’t follow through with his promises. And his dad told him he should feel guilty for making promises to me and be pressured into marriage. Somehow this convinced himself into thinking he’s not ready for marriage all along. I walked away from him and we spent 3 days apart before our flight to return home.
On our last day, we met up for closure, talked through what happened and we had sex. I told him I wasn’t ready to fly back home with him and I didn’t want to fall back into the vicious cycle of arguments, and that we should have some time to cool things down before we reconnect. We agreed to give each other some space and he wants to learn more about himself before he makes commitment to me as he doesn’t want to disappoint me again.
A week after he got back, he told me he wants to move out of our co-rented apartment, and he wants to break lease. I was a bit confused because I thought he wanted to work on himself, and him moving out essentially is an indication of a break up to me. He said if I don’t let him move out, I’m not giving him space to work on himself. I didn’t really have an option so I agreed. We didn’t talk afterwards.
3 weeks later, I missed my period, I took a test and was positive.
submitted by Bubbly-Emu95 to pregnant [link] [comments]
We decided to take a break due to arguments over the past month, and on our last day together, we had unprotective sex (we didn’t have sex for 3 weeks at that point). I took a test upon unusual symptoms and missed period, and discovered I am pregnant.
I informed him last week and I think he’s still in denial. He asked me to go for a scan to confirm so he can tell his parents and he has expressed that he doesn’t think it’s a good time for him, and I should get an abortion. He is not ready for fatherhood and doesn’t see that we can work things out in the future. I encouraged him to reconcile, not as a couple, but as civil adults to make communications easier in the following weeks or potentially years. He refused and told me I should talk to people for advice. I have spoke to my best friends and I don’t have a solution, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my child to grow up without a father figure but I also don’t want to have this kind of father in its life. I only had one sex partner my whole life so there is no possibility that he is not the father. I’m personally also not ready to raise the child as a single mother without support. If this pregnancy happened few months back, I would not have the same doubts I currently have. I considered abortion after the conversation with him but I don’t want to end my own child’s life because of our unresolved issues. My family don’t live in the same country as me, so I will not have day-to-day help. My friends are supportive but I don’t think it’s realistic for me to raise the baby without a partner. I have all sorts of concerns and I am not in the right headspace at the moment to be thinking clearly.
For context - I (28F) moved in to live with my boyfriend (30M) after 2 years of dating, we barely had any disagreements throughout the first 2 years, we were both in love, and decided that we were ready for our next stages in life so we moved in together. We were certain that we were compatible despite our differences in interests - we are very different people in the best ways, and grew to love and learn of each other’s character. Our lives are very intertwined, and our respective friend groups are very involved in our lives. We had a healthy lifestyle and socially active ever since we got together.
Fast forward to 2 months ago, we were discussing wedding plans. We previously agreed that we would move in together > get engaged > married > have children. I expressed that I didn’t really want to move in together until I get a reassurance from him this is for lifetime, he told me not to worry because he already had plans to propose to me and it’s ok to move in first and then get married as we are living together. He suggested that we could plan the wedding first because weddings take at least a year ahead to plan, and the proposal will happen sometime later this year. Our first big argument came because of his unrealistic expectations and lack of logic and sense in event planning (he was never really a planner or an organized person, I do most of our travel logistics and household plannings).
Few weeks later I discovered that he was withholding his plans made with a colleague that I didn’t particularly liked, I felt strange that he had to hide this fact from me. I don’t believe that he was disloyal or anything but I didn’t understand why he lied. I exploded, demanded to check his phone, then I discovered more things he was hiding from me, including going on walks during lunch with the same female colleagues. I also discovered the group chat with his boys where they were making jokes about us getting married. I was livid and we argued over our definition of commitment, I questioned his maturity and his intentions to settle. He told me he was ready to settle with me, and suggested that we go pick out rings the next day.
The real issue came in when he called his parents to ask them for their blessing in our marriage. His parents disapproved, and called me materialistic, questioned my family, my social circle, my religion, my political views… etc. My boyfriend could’ve easily justified every one of the points they have made about me but I guess he was too in shock of their response to defend me. His parents never really agreed with our relationship to begin with, they never wanted him to date and thinks he should be focused on his career at this age rather than dating, despite this we spent every holidays and celebrations the last two years with his family and we thought they have grown to accept me as they had been very friendly with me, I guess it was all a facade. I was disappointed and lashed out at him. And somehow our previous issue with his ‘commitment’ was brushed under the rug.
He says he cannot propose to me when he doesn’t have his parents blessing. I gave him a deadline the next day to make a decision, if he cannot talk it out with his parents then I will have to let this end. He came back the next day, and told me his dad apologized and would like to reconcile with me. And he came back to tell me he was ready to settle.
The following weeks we continued to have smaller disagreements and I was still uncomfortable to face his parents, as he would return home a different person, and treats me worse every time after every time he had met up with his parents. Before all these issues, we had made plans to visit my grandparents and his extended family who were both living in the same country. On our way there, I expressed that I would want to remain with my grandparents and not join his family trip as I’m not ready to face his parents yet. He tried to persuade me to go and that his parents will apologize to me, but I was still very uncomfortable. I told him I’ll only go if he can give me reassurance and that I will only go on another family trip with him if he can give me the status as his fiancé before I can face them. He said if he were to propose to me now he cannot face his parents, and he told his parents he has plans to propose to me on this trip, but they insisted that they should reconcile with me before he can propose as I would potentially “steal their grandchildren away from them” in the future if we don’t make up. He told me he even brought the ring with him but he can’t do it. I walked away from him, I felt so betrayed and lost in a foreign country. I got very emotional and told him he made feel worthless and want to end my life. I was not in the right headspace after a whole month of torment and I didn’t have the energy to reason with him any longer. I gave in and proceeded with the rest of our trip.
The day before we went to meet his family, I told him I wanted to go somewhere else instead and I still wasn’t ready. When he was making changes to our tickets, I saw his sister’s message on his phone, saying that it’ll be better in the long run if he sort out the parents issue first and don’t propose to me yet. I snatched his phone and spoke with his sister. After I told her everything, she apologized and gave me the reassurance that their family will treat me with respect and will apologize to me the first thing they see me, and that they just want to reconcile before we move forward to the next stage in life. I felt it was reasonable and reassured after my conversation with her, so I decided to give it a go.
When we did finally meet up with his parents, they pretended as if nothing has happened. Few days later we finally had the ‘conversation’. His dad started off by saying he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to get married at the moment, and kept going on about their same points again, he said our relationship hasn’t been long enough for us to decide marriage at this stage. They claimed their comments weren’t a personal attack, they didn’t apologize and said that I was ‘thinking too much’ for this to be a personal attack because it was simply a generalization, then dismissed me for being upset for hearing from my bf because he wasn’t supposed to tell me, and proceeds to keep commenting about me and my friends and how they disagree with their celebrations of weddings.
I respectfully explained we are not having these discussions about marriage out of no where, we have been having discussions on marriage throughout our 2 years. In fact our plans to have children was the basis of our relationship and were his requirements, and we just want to move forward with the next part of our lives. His mom doesn’t think I need to think about having children at this moment and it’s not a good time for us to have children, because she had kids much later in life and apparently so is everyone else, and we shouldn’t be following my ‘timeline’ on when things should be happening. Apparently I should not have such control over the timing of giving birth ‘like a reproduction machine’, and it’s not right to have to set such timeline on how much time I need for recovery and time between having each children. She asks why do we feel the need and so early in life to get married now? And ditch your own families and start your own life.
His dad said I should not decide right now how many kids we need to have and it’s rather in gods hands to decide, and some people are not even be able to have more than 1 kid, I asked him why is this relevant in regards to our plans to have kids… so I have to listen to god now and have kids without planning? And then he started giving this bs about god and how we are not meant to plan ‘these things’ out in life so specifically. I asked him: What is wrong with being practical and setting realistic goals. He claimed he doesn’t think it’s wrong to have plans but we shouldn’t be so set and ‘controlling’ over our own lives. He has experience and we should listen to the grown ups with experience… I knew the conversation wasn’t going to get anywhere as soon as he brings religion into this.
My boyfriend just stood there in silence. After the conversation ended we both walked away from his parents, he apologized to me and told me he’s sorry for any of the things his parents have said to me and I didn’t deserve it. He says he won’t listen to his parents anymore, and he knows how to make this right, and he will propose once we return to my grandparent’s place. I didn’t challenge him anymore because I that was the reassurance I needed from him, and I was happy that he was finally able to see his parents for who they are.
The following days of the trip, his dad tried to isolate him from rest of the family to give him the same lecture. Every time he rejoins the group I can see from his expression that their conversation did not go well, I didn’t comment. On the day we returned to my grandparent’s home, he told me he can’t follow through with his promises. And his dad told him he should feel guilty for making promises to me and be pressured into marriage. Somehow this convinced himself into thinking he’s not ready for marriage all along. I walked away from him and we spent 3 days apart before our flight to return home.
On our last day, we met up for closure, talked through what happened and we had sex. I told him I wasn’t ready to fly back home with him and I didn’t want to fall back into the vicious cycle of arguments, and that we should have some time to cool things down before we reconnect. We agreed to give each other some space and he wants to learn more about himself before he makes commitment to me as he doesn’t want to disappoint me again.
A week after he got back, he told me he wants to move out of our co-rented apartment, and he wants to break lease. I was a bit confused because I thought he wanted to work on himself, and him moving out essentially is an indication of a break up to me. He said if I don’t let him move out, I’m not giving him space to work on himself. I didn’t really have an option so I agreed. We didn’t talk afterwards.
3 weeks later, I missed my period, I took a test and was positive.