I was invited by a couple of friends to go camping a few days ago. I'm honestly still exactly not sure if any of it was real, but I wish to share my story nonetheless. It began last Monday, when friend number Six invited friends One through Five to a girls get away. She claims to have found this beautiful spot in the mountain on one of her hikes and she says it’s perfect for seeing the stars at night. I was skeptical at first, to be honest I don't really like being outdoors, but it sounded like an experience worth having, so I thought "why not, this will be a wonderful memory to look back on!". I had just purchased a new camera as well, so I was honestly starting to warm up to the idea. I could take pictures of our excursion into the woods and make cute little picture frames for everyone for their birthdays, it would've been so cute! But things did not go at all as I had envisioned.
So the day of the trip arrives, a bit faster than I would've liked, but honestly I think I was just anxious about… I kept feeling this weight in my chest that made it uncomfortable to breathe, but I was going into the woods, strange things happen to women in movies; Jason Voorhees, Sasquatch, Shia LaBeouf! Who knows what could happen! Not to mention there is always the chance I could fall into a lake and get covered in leeches, or get surrounded by wolves, or chased up a tree by a bear… Hopefully a very soft bear so I'll at least know one pleasure before I die! There are all sorts of fears I had envisioned before the day of the trip, but anxiety just be like that.
I met up with my friends at the trail and learned that friend Six decided to bring her bf along, which I was upset about but I guess he was just going to get a hotel room nearby so he'd be close enough to her to feasibly show up if we needed any help. She later told us that he worries all the time because his father went missing in these woods years ago and he's worried the same might happen to her. This is where I learned that men tend to stay out of those woods because men have been going missing in those woods for years, but according to friend Six, she's been coming to this forest for a while now and hasn't had any bad experiences. Hearing that did oddly put me at ease, but now all I could wonder at the time was what happened to all those poor men.
Deep into the night we're all chit chatting, talking about where we are in our lives, things that are bugging us, what our hopes are, and dancing to the music of nature… but which of course I mean we got shit drunk, smoked some great wee, talked about sex, laughed over silly anime scenes, and twerked to slipknot girly bops!. It was such a fun night at that point that I honestly wish I could go back and never let that night end. It was intoxicating how beautiful the sky looked, and when gazed up it was almost like we could scoop the stars into our hands and sip from the sea of stars. I was worried we'd just be on our phones all night filming tiktoks or something but even with no signal, no one really seemed to be too stressed about it, we all just kind of felt safe… Almost welcomed into the forest, like being embraced by a loving mother. But unfortunately, heaven isn't forever, and men come not but to steal, kill, and destroy.
As we were drinking we decided to tell some scary stories… or well I decided to because I thought "it's so cliché but we have to do it. It feels like tradition almost." plus I would've regretted it if we didn't do it, so fuck it, right? Right. So we go around telling scary stories to one another, and I mention to friend Six that I keep thinking about those poor men that went missing. I then asked if any women had gone missing, and surprisingly she said yes… it was way back in the 1800's but after that there had never been a single missing woman in that forest. The forest was actually named after the first young woman who went missing all those years back, and now there are all these rumors about it but I don't believe in that stuff so I didn't really pay much attention… I kept thinking "I'll just wait for the manga… or the shitty Hollywood cash grab of it…" but I DO vaguely remember the history cause I find dark history lore to be super fascinating. So there was a time when the area had more indigenous citizens living here, before gentrification moved into town. She went on to tell us that indigenous people eventually began to keep to themselves because as more white people moved in, more of their daughters went missing. There are yearly parades to honor the missing daughters and to spread awareness to those living in the town. The police try to shut it down but they still do it every year.
Not long after hearing that we hear something howl in the distance. Friend Three howls back and friend Five falls on her out of her camping chair laughing. I tell them to knock it off because the last thing we need is for her to accidentally attract a wolf during mating season! I don't know if that’s a thing, but it sounds like something that’s a thing… So I'm just going to assume that it is. Don't judge me. She then says "But what if it's Taylor Lautner? Or Joe Manganiello? Personally… I'm more of a Meatloaf guy myself… But you know… RIP… But Joe is pretty fine and my mom did always hope I'd marry a black man to get melanin back in our family… But I don't think a splash of melanin is gonna override this asian/african skin so… Anyways! So these guys come walking past our camp site, and we're all drunk and high so we're already all on edge upon seeing random men this deep into the forest, but friend Four gets up and says "who the fuck are you and what're you doing here!?" One of the men quickly apologizes and tells us they're actually out here camping as well. They said a friend of theirs found this waterfall in the forest that glows because it captures the moon's light. Friend Two hears this and asks if we can go with them, to which we all begrudgingly agree.
At the "mooncuzi" I like to call it, we all sit around this beautiful natural pool lit up by the moon, and we were worried it would be cold but I was surprisingly warm, if I had to guess I'd assume there's a magma vein under there or something? Idk, I'm not a geologist or volcanologist, but something kept it warm and it wasn't my tiny bladder! Everyone was really relaxed and the guys honestly seemed super cool, and guy One honestly seemed really nice. I call him guy One because he's number 1 to me, we're still together now, and we even have another partner now, so yay! We all began talking and some of us were hitting it off, clearly… but we had all been drinking and smoking more which, honestly we had stopped… but we couldn't pass up the opportunity to get cross-faded in a mooncuzi. Nuh. Nope. Not on my watch. But someone clearly didn't get the vibe memo, because friend Two screams out "bro what the fuck I said no!"
The next thing we hear is "You don't have to yell about it like some kind of cunt!" Everyone runs over to try and figure out what's going on. Turns out guy Five didn't like being told no. He and friend Two were playing a drinking game with friends Three and Four and guy Three and Four. We learned that guy Five dared friend Two to take her top off, to which she said politely refused, and the guys didn't seem to like that. They tried to convince her it's part of the game. One of the guys said she was already in her underwear anyway, so she might as well… My guy, One, and guy Two scolded their friends for their behavior, which is why guy Two and friend Two are married now… Guess nice guys don't finish last, huh? Anyways, They scolded their friends for their behavior, I remember my guy yelling "you never speak to a woman like that!" and "If I ever catch you trying to peer pressure a woman again I'll take your testicals in my hand and squeeze on them slowly until I know what it's like to feel one pop in my hand." and it was honestly the hottest thing I've ever heard a man say… a bit violent… but fuck was I glad I was in the water!
Guys One and Two apologized for their friends' actions the whole way back. I asked them why they remained friends with them and guy One had gone off to college while guy Two went into the service, so the two of them had been away for a few years, but they swore their friends never used to be like that. This was actually supposed to be a reunion hike of sorts since they both happened to come back around the same time. After meeting up with guys Three, Four, and Five though, they realized their friends had been warped by these podcasts about alphas and betas and maximizing your sigma or something, and tried to convince him to listen to some pickup artist that claimed to know the secret to unlocking the female brain. Also known as, stupid useless slop grifters make to get rich off young boys with zero confidence and zero bitches. Lastly, he tells me guy Three was actually raised by a single mother alongside his two sisters, so he really wouldn't expect that kind of behavior from him. Guy Four was always sort of sketchy but they thought he was "just being funny", men right? The only thing they felt was weird about him was this one time when they were teens his sister moved away and he got really quiet afterwards, but then he dated a few people that looked almost identical to her, but for some reason he didn't see it, so they started calling him "little sister" (or did they? oooo) or "Lil" for short, joking he had an undiagnosed sister complex… Ew. That’s all I’ll say to that. The last guy, Five, they said always seemed fine to them, they didn't elaborate, so idk what their idea of "fine" is, sorry to disappoint.
Not long after we got back to the camp we heard engines in the distance, and as they got closer and closer we all stared in confusion. No one should be riding vehicles out this way, and friend 6 knows her bf wouldn't come out here without alerting us.
The vehicles stopped after surrounding us with their lights pointing right at us. We heard the familiar voices of guy Three, along with 4 new voices. He whined about how we hyurt his widdle feefees or something obnoxious. I tried to listen but it's just so hard to listen to some overgrown pissbaby go on about their fragile ego. Guys One and Two went to confront guy Three and his posse, asking why they didn’t wait at the car. Guy Three told them they wouldn’t understand because they’ve given themselves over to feminist ideas and allowed themselves to become beta cucks. He told them that simps deserve to die so other men won’t be warped by feminist witch pussy magic like they have… Like we just met these guys and he’s already acting like we had sex… This man's logic was like a runaway train, the cars are all there but they ain’t making it to their destination. Guys One and Two continue to argue with guys Three, Four, and Five, before guys Six and seven come up behind them and put knives to their necks. At this moment I noticed a gleam in guy Three’s eyes. He now thinks he’s invincible… I can see the depravity in his eyes as he looks upon friend Two, stripping her down in his mind, imagining all the sick things he’ll do. And as if to validate my suspicions, he walks up to her and says “You never did complete that dare… How about we start a new game… But this time we won’t have any need for truths.” I watch as fear washes over Two’s face, as she begins to imagine what he is implying, almost as if his depraved thoughts were being projected into her mind, instilling suffering on her before he had even begun to touch her. She catches herself, refusing to give him the satisfaction of fear and spits in his face. She then tells him “you couldn’t even please your hand with a prick that small.” The look of anger on his face was honestly delectable. If I could, I would put it on canvas and call it “Portrait of a Scorned Man” or “Man who just realized being a dick doesn’t make yours bigger”. ANYWAYS, he then began to yell something about "it's up to real men to show women their place in society!" OOO so angwy! They started circling around us like starving wolves. One of them placed themselves against friend Five’s back and said "I always wondered if trans women looked different down there." Which angered friend Five, but not as much as it did friend Four who tends to be a bit of a hot head.
Friend Four may look like a pretty cute petite princess, but she's manlier than most men I know. She's a competitive marksman, as well as being a gymrat who likes to build cars on the weekends. She's also the girlfriend of friend Five, not that that’s important but I feel like it should be important. So anyways, she starts blasting right? And one of these guys yells "what the fuck they’ve got funs!? Who the fuck gave these stupid bitches guns!?" I then hear one of them try to antagonize her by saying "pretty young thang like you shouldn't be carrying such a big piece until she's used to it! AYO!" So she shot a round off at the tree he took shelter behind as if to mock him by letting him know his life is in her hands… She looked like a real boss bitch, like for real! That girl is HIM! She has always been him, she will always be him! While this was taking place, friend Six reached out to her boyfriend now that we could finally use the radio without fear of them taking it. We explained what was happening and asked him to bring help. He told us to tie the button down and to hide it from sight so that he could listen in while he headed to the station to get help. I feel so bad for that man, having to listen to all those screams, feeling completely powerless to do anything in the moment, but we’re so thankful to him for being there in the way that he was.
Gun fire kept ringing out as Four kept firing rounds into the forests yelling “I shoot to maim!” and “You’re not safe here!” hoping to scare the men enough to make them retreat because none of them seemed to have rifles on them… But then we hear it… The first scream… Everyone freezes in their tracks, their heart stilled by this sudden shriek of terror that seemed to only further race towards the all consuming darkness. The moment it stopped nothing remained but the slow encroaching crawl of raindrops and the rapid beating drums of the fear in our hearts. It's then that the rain came down like a closing curtain on the chapter of our innocence, because that’s when we heard the second scream, a scream just as chilling as the first, ascending high into the tree tops before we see something that shocks everyone to their core; the haunting image of a man’s face still screaming, a face still unaware its going to meet, a face that still hopes to be saved but never will. Within unison, as if hell had a chorus, we all screamed in silence as we turned to run. With no other means of safety, my friends, guys One and Two, as well as myself ran for the tent. We don't really know what happened after we got into the tent, but not a second went by that we didn't think we wouldn't be next. We know better now, but in that moment I felt both relief and fear for my life. I just kept thinking how lucky I was that I was fortunate enough to die with my dignity still intact… I kept thinking "at least those man babies didn't get to do whatever depravity they had in mind"
Well by now everyone knows what happened, it's been on the news. Those 3 guys and all of their cronies turned up missing… But what the news won't tell you is that we were saved by Mama Makwa, we call her that due to the sounds we heard, as well as the site we saw afterwards. The bellowing sound of vengeance that came in the form of a bear’s roar was as loud as the mean screaming they saw a 9 ft tall bear with skin dripping off of its bone like fur. We later learned that men referred to it as “Slippy Skin” aka "Wejuk", as it seemed the bear would change appearance depending on who gazed upon its visage, but this was not "Wejuk". One by one, we heard those men scream for their lives, describing a creature with a mouth made of human hands that had palms covered by teeth shaped like hypodermic needles. It had claws that seemed like stone daggers that were etched by native americans. They warned each other "Don't look into its eyes!" before proclaiming how sorry they were for the things they'd done… They complained of the putrid stench suffocating them as they were pulled into its gaping maw. They screamed of the creatures rotting viscous flesh melting into their own, and making their skin a part of it, as if their skins were fuel for the fear this best could instill by its mere dominion over them. But we never saw that creature… Instead, after the screams stopped, we were greeted by this beautiful creature that looked like a bear, only it had this glow about it, and its fur seemed almost like the softest of opalescent feathers. Its eyes looked just like the aurora borealis, and she was mesmerizing. We felt safe, and welcomed, and most of all protected… After everything that happened, I think we will be coming back, because we know Mama Makwa will be there to protect us. We believe Mama Makwa is an avenging spirit born from the fear those women felt, here to make sure no other women ever have to suffer like they did within this forest. We also now understand why those men all went missing. My boyfriend and friend Two's husband weren't attacked by Mama Makwa… Only the men who felt any sort of ill intent toward us women that night saw Mama Makwa in that form, the form they confused for Slippy… But knowing there is a safe haven for women out there, I'm thinking we will have another girls night next year, anybody wanna come?

I was an X-ray baby, I remember the feeling of showing up to 30th AG. My basic class was 75% X-rays, dudes were studs, ripped strong fast and here I was a 180 pound 5’9 slightly out of shape 20 year old kid with a little college and a little work before I decided to chase my dreams and join the X-ray program. I felt a little out of place but still had the fire burning in me, my first week of basic a 30 year old X-ray who was build exactly like terry cruise (who I later became very close friends with) said to me something along the lines of “your just a kid you’ll enjoy the regular army when you get dropped”. That really rubbed me the wrong way, from that point on every time we got smoked ( it was plentiful) I made it a point to do more pushups or whatever exercises the drills threw at as whenever he would rest to quit. Throughout basic I ran every run like my life depended on and and pushed myself hard when I could have shitbagged the smoke sessions. By the end of basic I had a perfect apft score (only about 30 of our X-rays had that) and had X-rays coming up to me who I hadn’t ever talked too now that i had earned some “respect” or whatever you want to call it. Over half our X-rays got dropped before osut was over from not meeting the Apft standards. Tip #1 don’t ship if your out of shape and don’t slack off in basic the lack of good food and sleep will get to you if you are borderline to begin with. There is no excuse for failing the apft at the end of basic, you knew what you needed when you signed up don’t lie to yourself on your physical condition.
Next it was off to airborne school, I was still mid Covid so rules were gay and guys were slacking off big time. If I’m being honest with myself I could of pushed harder during this timeframe. It is easy to get comfortable with the newfound freedom, don’t get out of shape, have a little bit of fun with your buddies but don’t get in trouble and don’t drink yourself out of shape. Tip #2 Organized PT during airborne is a joke, get to the gym after the long days. Start working on building back up your leg, grip, lower back strength and keep your condition to at least where you were at the end of basic. Trust me your gona want that strength during team week. Listen to the Jumpmaster if you land correctly you won’t get hurt too badly, most airborne injuries are because of incorrect landings. Don’t anticipate the ground. I think most of us are scared the first jump, just get out the door and enjoy the view, now that I’m getting out I wish I would of done more than my 15 jumps (besides jrtc jumps fuck jumping with a 240 and 100 pounds of Ammo and gear), most people are never lucky enough to experience the feeling of floating in a parachute. Try not to be a injury recycle at airborne, the pipeline is long enough as is.
Finally, the bus to bragg (liberty whatever the fuck you newdicks call it). I was excited, home of the special forces, this is where shit gets real. My motivation was probably at an all time high at this point, I’ve made some lifelong friendships throughout basic and me and my boys were showing up for the real thing after all the big army gayness (if only I knew). Pt test first week of getting to AT, a surprising number of people failed and were send off to the double A (remember what I said about slacking off). Don’t let that be you. We had a couple month long wait before we classes up for prep, tons of free time, again have fun but don’t go crazy those Raleigh girls don’t think your cool tell them your a software engineer or something. Tip #3 Blanket statement but stay away from the Fayetteville girls, they got stds or they are CSM’s daughter / wife. Also while your in AT you have so much time to train, perfect food via SWC dfac and ample rest time. I was training 3x a day cardio lifting and rolling with my group of buddies, we were super motivated and ready to get started.
Now prep course started up after block leave, got some time to myself with my family and proposed to my now wife (typical) we have a son now and she is my rock. Not everyone can deal with the lifestyle you are after make sure your shits together before getting married it will be hard, even in the regular army I was away for half the year at peace time. Prep course is great but if your not healthy it will break your body. The training is fairly intense and you will be putting lots of miles on your legs, make sure you are taking recovery seriously you will learn lots from the cadre don’t slack off on recovery, I saw too many good dudes get hurt and vanish. The classes are great, there is no reason to not pass the star after all the instruction and practical exercises you receive. I knew nothing of landnav before the army and got 6/8 on the star, good enough to keep me from getting dropped. Prepare physically and mentally for sfas, you should be reaching your peak shape at this point. Prep isn’t long enough to put on meaningful strength gains, so make sure you are lifting the whole time from airborne till sfas. Strength is vital to sfas (specifically team week).
Your packing list is ready, your group of 150xrays from basic is now down to 45. I’m not going to spoil selection for you, prep your packing list and get with former X-rays and your buddies and get all the handy shit they say. Sfas is painful, it was physically the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Team week felt like legitimate torture and I was like a terminally ill 90 year old getting out of bed during it. Take care of your feet, remember what you learned during land nav prep and don’t get lost on the star ( easier said than done). My land nav advice would be take it slow, stay calm, use your techniques and if you think your getting lost find a know point to reorient yourself. I only ran after I got lost on the second day to find my 6th point, I got lost because I was being stupid plainly. Shot a panic azimuth to a lake and ran for my 5th and 6th point, but if you don’t get lost you have no reason to run to your death. During team week you will be tiered, before you go do peers take some notes on how you will peer your team, you’ll forget who’s roster number is who if you don’t.
The Final Cut of sfas, standing there with my bags I was confident I had preformed well. Then they called my roster number out, I walked my way over with my head down. Off to tent city I went, 21 day nonselect. I was overwhelmed with feelings of despair, all of that work and pain and was hit with a 2 year as we’re the rest of the 21 days from my class. Not even gona lie here I shed a tear when I saw my best friend at tent city who was a 6 month land nav drop.(got selected and is off to group, fucking amazing guy I’m happy for him) back to Bragg I went.
Got my orders to the 82nd, when I showed up I was depressed. My wife and me still weren’t married, I was living alone in the b’s and getting smoked daily for anything my new TL could come up with that day. Now you might be here, maybe you didn’t get selected, at the end of the day the cadre have there reasons, self reflect and write down what you want to improve if you are going back. There are two types of X-rays at the 82nd and elsewhere, those that give up and become shitbags and those that succeed and thrive in their role as an infantryman, some of them go back to sfas and make it, some become amazing SL’s and some get out and do great things as a civilian. It’s alright to be bummed out, I was for at least 6 months, I truly believe god has a plan for everyone and that everything happens for a reason even if you don’t know that reason at the time it happens. I stopped feeling sorry to myself and was put in the weapons squad as a 240 gunner. I had an amazing former batt boy SL who grew me and my gun team into what I would say was one of the best gun teams in the army. We were all strong fast and in great shape, our 240 gun drills and accuracy was always on point. This is because we took our job seriously and took pride in our performance. The big army is gay, that’s the truth I don’t give a fuck if you’re great at Joe history trivia or the best toy soldier for details. Be good at your job and work on it, saw gunner rifle man TL ect. I know you didn’t want to be in the 82nd, but if your a Man you will stop feeling sorry for yourself and take pride in your work, be the best at your job and no one can fuck with you, remember you can still go to war and you and your buddies lives may depend on it. I never got smoked once in weapons because I took my shit seriously and had great leadership to help me grow. If you push yourself and get schools, you can go back to SFAS as a seasoned team leader e5 with ranger and EIB / Jumpmaster, you will breeze through TAC skills with your knowledge from your time on the line, and your X-ray classmates can rely on you for knowledge on tactics. I know the 82nd can be gay, but if you rise above it you can learn a lot, and go on to do what you wanted to in the first place. Make the best of your situation and don’t be a feel sorry for me pussy.
Remember what I said about god having a plan? I was diagnosed with a progressive genetic disease that is life threatening if not treated. If I had been selected I would have surely ignored it and ended up with parts of my inside cut out of possibly dead. Funny enough a form GB pa was the one who referred me to get checked. Now I am leaving Bragg in a week to start my csp, and just handed off my ruck up or shut up book to a TL who is going to sfas tomorrow. Not sure if anyone took the time to read all of this , it was therapeutic in a way to put it down in writing. Even if my advice helps one dude I’ll be happy, good luck boys get fucking after it.
TL;DR: via chat gpt The narrator started military training as an underprepared X-ray but quickly pushed himself to excel in basic training. Despite rigorous preparation, he was not selected for SFAS and ended up in the 82nd Airborne. Overcoming initial disappointment, he thrived in his role, learned valuable lessons, and found motivation in unexpected challenges. His journey underscores the importance of resilience and adaptability, culminating in a health diagnosis that shifted his perspective on his military path.

Club Vlad sat near the confluence of Central Avenue and Washington Avenue, Albany’s two main thoroughfares. Two stories with blackout windows and a box office from when it used to be a movie theater, it was swarmed with people when Dom first spotted it ahead. He was somewhat familiar with it: He passed it every day on his way to work, and it was always busy around his time of evening, even on weeknights. Part of him always wanted to go inside and be a part of the scene, but he never did.
The man in sunglasses - his name was Joe - led Dom toward the club, and even before Joe spoke, Dom somehow knew that it was their destination. “There,” Joe said. “We’ll go around back.”
Dom and Joe had been walking for what seemed like an hour but couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes. Dom stuck as close to Joe as possible as if for protection, and had become accustomed to his pungent smell. It was noticeable only at extremely close range, part sickly sweet and part…something else, something Dom could not place but still somehow recognized. They were two blocks from the club, maybe three, and Dom could hear the pulsing techo/house/whatever music as clearly as if he were standing in the middle of the dancefloor. He could hear the chatter of the people inside, or at least he imagined he could. He could smell them too: Beneath the odors of perfume, desperation, and spiritual rot was something richer, something blissful. Dom realized for the first time that he was parched - so parched - and drool filled his mouth.
A crowd of people waited outside Club Vlad, talking and laughing; some vaped, some stared down at their cellphones like Gollum with his precious ring. Dom’s first reaction was to avoid them. Perhaps sensing this…or perhaps feeling it himself…Joe ducked into an alleyway two doors down from the club. “We’ll go in the back,” Joe explained.
The back entrance to Club Vlad was a single door underneath a bare bulb. The music was so loud that Dom’s head began to throb. Inside, a dark hallway terminated in an archway filled with throbbing white light. Dread filled Dom as they approached it - he didn’t want to be around people - but thankfully they went into a room off the hall instead. An office. A cramped desk, a filing cabinet. A set of stairs disappeared into shadows.
“Sit,” Joe said.
Dom obeyed, sitting in the swivel chair.
Joe went up the stairs and Dom was alone. The deep coldness that had long settled into his bones made itself known again, and Dom leaned forward, wrapping his arms around his chest for warmth. The muffled music vibrated in his skull, setting his teeth on edge, and the various smells wafting in from the main room assaulted his senses. He was alternately repulsed and aroused by the crashing din of scents: The good, the bad, and the mouth watering. A sharp pain cut through his stomach like the killing edge of a knife, and Dom hugged himself tighter. Had his throat always been this dry? His throat felt like sandpaper; his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and getting it unstuck hurt so badly that tears sprang to his eyes.
Dom rubbed his arms with his hands and tried to still his chattering teeth. He looked around for a blanket, a discarded jacket, something to cover himself with, but there was nothing. Only drifts of glitter on the floor and walls. He supposed it came from a party or something. He’d never been to a night club but it seemed fitting.
A sound drew his attention to the door leading back into the hall. A woman - no older than a girl - stood there, looking confused and unsteady. She was dressed in black, wore glow sticks around her wrists and neck, and held a red solo cup. “I have to pee,” she said drunkenly and laughed. “I thought this was the bathroom.”
A cold wind washed over Dom, and Joe was standing next to him. “The bathroom’s up here,” he said.
“Oh, good,” the girl laughed, “I thought it was here but I didn’t know. This is my first time here.” She held her cup aloft. “Take me to it.”
Joe glanced at Dom. “Come on.”
They formed a party as they climbed the stairs, Dom in the tear and Joe at the head. The girl stumbled and held onto the railing, talking incessantly. Her voice hurt Dom’s head, but the hot smell wafting from her was intoxicating. Drool coursed down his chin and his breathing came in short, hot bursts. Another sharp pain rent his stomach, and he winced.
At the top of the stairs, where the lights were cold and white, a woman in black stood by a doorway, her back ramrod straight and her eyes vacant. Her face was gaunt, her white flesh pulled tight across her skull. She wore a black dress and her black hair long and straight. Dom only caught a glance at her before looking away again.
She looked like a ghost.
“Show her the bathroom,” Joe said.
The woman’s eyes slowly, ponderles, went from Joe to the drunk girl. Her expression, like Joe’s, was dead. She had no expression. “This way.”
She and the drunk girl disappeared down the hall, and Joe led Dom into a room. Though it was pitch black, Dom could still see; not very well…but he could see. Suddenly, a blinding white light flicked on in front of him, causing him to stop and fall back a step. Ahead, through an archway, sat a vaulted chamber, at the center of which sat a man. To Dom’s light dazzled eyes, he seemed a proud king perched upon a throne, the skulls of his many enemies piled around him. Dom blinked and turned his head slightly to the side. His eyes began to adjust, and the world came into focus.
The man was not, as it had first seemed, sitting on a throne. Instead, he was esconded in a motorized wheelchair. The piles of skulls were actually various pieces of machinery, the kind you’d find in a hospital room. A clear tube extended from one of them to the side of the man’s neck: Yellow liquid flowed from the machine and into the man. Another tube, this one in the other side of his neck, filtered out a mixture of what looked like yellow pus and black sludge. An infected malodor filled the air, and the machines whirred softly as they worked.
As for the man himself, his appearance was normal at first glance, Dressed in a flowing red velvet robe, a blue and green blanket with a plaid pattern draped over his shoulders, he was portly, about fifty, and had shoulder length grayish hair with a bald spot in the middle. If the local theater put on a production of Hamilton, they could cast a worse Ben Franklin than him.
On closer inspection, he was not normal at all. His complexion was yellow and waxy, like a statue, and his body was lumpy, misshapen, resembling an overfilled trash bag stuffed with cotton. His eyes were sick and yellow, and something about his posture seemed…off. It didn’t make sense, but the only thing Dom could think was: He looks impossible.
Joe stopped at the edge of the shadows, where the line between light and darkness lay. He seemed to stand up a little straighter, a general greeting his king. “Here he is,” Joe said.
The man squinted slightly against the glare of the light and motioned with one gnarled hand. “Step into the light,” he said. His voice was soft and kind, that of a senile though loving grandmother. Dom imagined he felt a pull toward the man, and did as he was bidden, wincing as the light stung his eyes.
For a moment, the man stared at him, his waxen features frozen fast as stone. Then, a subtle look of compassion flickered across his face. Dom did not believe in God, but he suddenly felt like a man standing before God, his every thought, feeling, and transgression laid bare. He had never felt so naked in his life, so exposed. He had the sense that the man before him could see everything, knew everything.
“You’ve been through a lot,” the man said. It was not a question, but a statement.
Everything Dom had been through over the past couple of days came back to him in a rush, and hot tears filled his eyes. He nodded.
The man nodded slightly, more to himself than to Dom. “Kneel down,” he said, “I want to look at you.”
Dom knelt without question.
The man lifted one hand and touched Dom’s face, tilting Dom’s head from one side to the other like a farmer appraising a horse. His fingers were long and bony, his nails ragged and unkempt; his touch was like ice. He brushed his knuckles over the purple bruise on Dom’s cheek, and there was such gentleness in that one act that Dom broke down sobbing. He leaned into the man’s touch like a cat and gave voice to his misery.
“Shhh,” the man said, “it’s all over now.”
“W-What’s happening to me?” Dom asked.
In his heart of hearts, however, he already knew.
“You died,” the man said patiently. “And you came back.”
Hearing it stated so plainly, Dom cried even harder.
“Only a handful of people throughout history can claim to have defeated death,” the man said, stroking Dom’s hair, “and you’re one of them. You should be proud.”
“How?” Dom asked between sobs. “What am I?”
The man stroked Dom’s cheek. “You’re the same thing I am.”
At that, Dom looked up at the man. “What are you?” he asked.
A little, knowing smile touched the man’s lips, and when he spoke, his canine teeth were longer and sharper than before. “I’m a vampire.”
“No,” Dom moaned and shook his head, “no, no, no.” He grabbed the man’s hand and held tight, his tears coming faster. He trembled like a frightened animal and squeezed his eyes closed, as if by doing so he could escape the hell his life had become.
But there was no escape.
“You have a lot of questions,” the man said, monologuing now rather than speaking directly to Dom, “I had the same questions when I was your age. I have spent the last forty-two years of my life trying to answer them, but every answer I find leads me to still more questions. There’s one thing I’m certain of, though.”
Dom blinked the tears from his eyes. The last of them had been squeezed from his dead tear ducts and he had no more to give. He simply stared into space, trying to come to grips with his situation.
“There is freedom in death,” the man said. “Death is easy. It’s simple. Once it’s over, you feel no pain, no sadness, no grief. It’s living that’s hard.”
As he spoke, he brushed his long nails across Dom’s scalp. It was a soothing feeling, and served to calm him. “People have so many troubles.” A note of revulsion crept into his voice. “So many needs, so many desires. People are complex but we’re not. We’re easy to please. A vampire wants only two things: A little blood and one more night.”
The combination of his touch and his voice had pacified Dom to the point of almost tranquility. “I’m scared,” Dom heard himself mumble.
Nodding almost reluctantly, the man said, “Fear is one of the only emotions a vampire can’t escape. Everything feels fear. Do you want to know a secret?”
Dom nodded.
“I’m afraid too,” the man confessed. “I’m afraid of death. Well…death as it were. I’m terrified that my body will rot away and leave me a pile of bones somewhere, unable to move but still aware”
A shudder went through Dom.
“As I’m sure you’ve seen yourself, the movies lied. We rot just like any other dead thing. Our flesh decays, our organs turn to sludge, and we go from rational men to monsters whose only thought is feeding.”
Now it was his turn to shiver.
“But…you’re not like that,: Dom said.’
The man smiled. “I’m lucky, I guess” A thin yellow fluid began to drip from his nostrils. He did not seem to notice. “What is your name?”
“Dominick,” Dom said.
“I’m Merrick,” the man said, “and this is my family.”
Dom realized that they were now surrounded by others, ten in all. They stood ramrod straight, their eyes vacant and their faces devoid of humanity. They were mainly men, though one was a woman. Some were pale, others were blue or black, and one was little more than a skeleton clad in withered brown skin, a white button up and jeans hanging from its frame.
A thought occurred to Dom. “You said my brain was going to rot…”
“Not necessarily,” Merrick cautioned, “though it’s possible.”
“Am I going to be…?”
“Like them?” Merrick asked. “Braindead and staring?”
Sheepishly, Dom nodded.
“Maybe,” Merrick allowed. “But these people are free of everything that troubles humanity. You were human just a short time ago. I’m sure you remember all too well what it was like. The constant politics, the moral quandaries, the philosophical pontificating. Human beings - and make no mistake, we are humans - were not meant for all of that. We’re animals. We were made to hunt, fuck, and sleep. Somewhere along the way, we got pretentious and started complicating things.” He looked at Dom, sizing him up, seeming to read him. “Things that animals take for granted, people work their entire lives to achieve. If an animal wants to fornicate, it fornicates. If a man wants to fornicate, he needs to be tall, handsome, rich, funny, progressive when it suits women but traditional when it doesn’t. If a man wants a home, he has to work thirty years for it. An animal has only to dig a hole in the ground.”
Every word struck a chord with Dom.
Because every word was true.
“Unfortunately, the living won’t allow us to live that freely, so we have to hide. These people here - my children - need a guiding hand, a protector, someone who can lead them. And I, an old man, need help.” Here he smiled playfully and patted his bulging stomach. “My body is mostly sawdust and cotton balls at this point, so I can’t do much. I share my wisdom and my knowledge with them, and they take care of me.”
“Why haven’t you…rotted?” Dom asked.
“Embalming fluid,” Merrick said. “Blood doesn’t sustain you. Embalming fluid does.” He smiled at Dom. “It can sustain you as well. If you’ll stay with us. We’re not the most attractive bunch, but we’re a family, and we really wish you’d join us.”
A family.
Dom’s parents had broken up and he lived with his mother. He had never had a family before, and had always wanted one, a real one, like in the movies. Even as a grown man, he sought the love, acceptance, and belonging that a family brings. He sought it in the wrong ways, but that - and not sex, not romantic love - is what he had really wanted all along.
This is what he had wanted all along.
“I want to,” Dom said.
Working quickly, Merrick slashed his wrist open with his thumbnail. An ugly mixture of stale blood, siphoned from someone else, and embalming fluid leaked out. “If you choose to drink, my blood will be in you. You will be my son and I will be your father. You will obey me as your father. You will do whatever is asked of you for this family, as this family will do for you. You will not reveal the secrets of this family to anyone outside of it. You will protect this family from all threats, both inside and out. Do you accept?”
He held his bleeding wrist out to Dom.
Dom did not question, nor did he hesitate. He grabbed the hand of his father, brought it to his mouth, and drank from the seeping wound. The fluid was cold, thick, and vile.
It tasted like belonging.
“Have you fed yet?”
“No,” Dom said.
“Before you do, I have a question for you. Who did this to you? Who made you?”
Dom thought. Everything was hazy. “Was it someone in this room?” Merrick asked.
Dom shook his head. “Her name is…” he wracked his brain. “Heather.”
Merrick nodded. “So there’s another out there.” He looked at Joe. “Did you turn her?”
“Yes,” Joe said.
Merrick looked annoyed. “I’ve told you not to go out and feed on your own. You have no self-control. You drink too much and create others, which creates headaches for the family. Tomorrow night, I want you and Dom to find her and bring her here.” “Okay,” Joe said.
Merrick looked over Dom’s shoulder. “Jess? Can you come here?”
The black haired woman from earlier came out of the shadows, the drunk girl with her, arms tied behind her back. The girl looked dazed. “Max,” Merrick said to the skeletal corpse-thing, “help her.”
Max, Jessie, and another vampire named Matt tied chains around the girl’s ankles and hoisted her aloft via a pulley system. Upside down, she swung back and forth. Merrick instructed the others to leave the room. “Max,” he said.
On his way out, the corpse-thing produced a knife and dragged it across the girl’s throat, slicing her skin; blood spurted out. Max leaned in to taste it, but Merrick shooed him away. When he and Dom were alone, Merrick told Dom, “Go to her.”
But Dom was already on his feet, his eyes transfixed by the crimson life flowing from her pumping throat. The hot, rich smell filled his nostrils and tantalized his senses. Saliva filled his mouth and his stomach panged with hunger. Some small, human part of his decaying brain screamed at him to stop, but he did not listen to it. He had been human for almost thirty years, and he had been miserable. Now, in this chamber of the undead, he gave himself over to his dark thirst. Like a man in a dream, he shuffled to her, inhaled the sweet scent of her blood, and shivered. He was so lost in lust that he hardly noticed the strange, cumbersome feeling of his descended fangs.
“Drink,” Merrick said.
Opening his mouth wide, Dom sank his teeth into the girl’s neck. Her blood filled his mouth and splashed down his throat. Warmth thawed the ice in his marrow and spread through him. His dead heart began to flutter, then to pound. His knees shook, his body trembled, and his mind rolled away on a tide of ecstasy.
As it was his first meal, he couldn’t drink much. Before long, his stomach was hard and distended and his body burned with fire. He collapsed to a heap on the floor and twitched as random nerve endings, stimulated by the blood, began to misfire. He felt full, warm, and drunk. He closed his eyes and let himself drift.
Dominick Mason had died.
And this…
This was heaven.
***
With all that was happening in the city of Albany, the last thing Bruce Kenner needed on Thursday morning was a visit from Bertha the bitch, but that’s exactly what he got. She flew into his office like she owned the place and instantly started in on him. Young man this and have you talked to Joe Rossi that. You’d think she was his boss. And if she were his boss, he’d quit and find another line of work. He heard McDonald’s was hiring.
Bruce almost snapped at her. He’d been up most of last night riding around Albany and looking for Dominick Mason. He and Vanessa expected him to drop dead somewhere close to the medical examiner’s office, but if he had, he’d done so in a super secret location.
“I’ve been busy,” Bruce said, “but I’m going to go by his place of work today.”
Tired and still confused over that bullshit from last night, he had no energy to argue with the old crone. He could spare a few minutes to talk to Joe Rossi, he figured. He assumed that Jessie was safe but he owed it to her to check. If he found the girl, he’d take her back to her grandmother (sorry, kid, really) and try to avoid arresting the guy. Unless he came off as a creep, then he’d bust his ass. See, people assumed that an older guy with a younger girlfriend was some master manipulator hell bent on evil deeds. Sometimes they were, but hell, his grandparents married when his grandpa was twenty-one and his grandma sixteen. They were married for fifty-five years and loved each other to the end. Maybe it was innocent, maybe not. It wasn’t his job to judge either way. Just gimme the girl so I can get her grandma off my back and no one gets hurt.
“It’s about time you started doing your job,” Bertha said, “I heard on the police scanner last night that you people lost a body. What kind of town is this? Your coroner is a drunk who makes up stories about bodies walking away. He probably sold it to black people.”
Bruce couldn’t help it; he snorted laughter.
“Now what would black people want with a dead body?”
“Probably to use it as a prop in one of their rap videos.”
Bruce didn’t know much about music videos, but he was pretty sure that the people who made them didn’t like the smell of corpse any more than the rest of us. “I’ll be sure to round up all the local rappers for questioning. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
Luckily for him, there was not, and Bertha left shortly thereafter. Alone and able to hear himself think, Bruce sat back in his chair and went over his mental checklist for the day. First order of business, go to Club Vlad. Second, find Dominick Mason. There were others, but that was the most important. He wanted the body found so someone could get to work explaining this whole weird thing. There had to be an explanation. The thought that there wasn’t, that a dead guy literally rose from the grave and disappeared into the night, deeply disturbed Bruce, and the more this whole thing remained ongoing, the more disturbed he would become.
Needing some fresh air, he decided to hit up Club Vlad.
Outside, the day was hot and sunny. Waves of heat shimmered from the pavement and not a single breath of air stirred in the whole world. Bruce slipped on a pair of sunglasses and drove over to Club Vlad. It occurred to him that the place might be closed during the day; it was the only place Joe Rossi was associated with. His address in the computer system was Glens Falls, far to the north. The messages he sent Jessie indicated that he lived onsite at Club Vlad.
The build, wedged between a corner store and a check cashing place, was as grimy and dumpy looking as it had always been. The front windows were blacked out and covered with posters and fliers for punk concerts, house bands, and far left political organizations: The Albany Social Justice Center, something called Bash the Fash 2025, and Bruce’s favorite. ACAB. He caught some kid spraying that on the side of the police station once, and under extreme police torture (ie, a good tongue lashing), the kid told him it meant All Cops Are Barnacleheads.
Bruce shot the kid on the spot and planted a gun on him.
How's that for barnaclehead?
Calm down, he didn’t really do that. He made him clean the graffiti off with a toothbrush. LOL he was out there for hours.
The sidewalk in front of the former theater was empty save for some little. The box office was abandoned. There was no open sigh, but then again, there was no closed sign either. He parked his cruiser at the curb, killed the engine, and got out, sweat instantly springing to his brow.
To his surprise, the door opened. Inside, a couple steps led down to a dance floor. A bar lined the wall to his right, and a couple more sets led up to a railed platform filled with tables. Above, a huge balcony looked down on him. A giant disco ball hung from the ceiling like a pair of glittery nuts and there were cages here and there. Presumably where girls danced go-go style. Oh yeah, nothing hotter than a woman behind bars. Why do you think Bruce became a cop in the first place?
Speaking of glittery nuts, there was glitter everywhere. On the floor, on the tables, on the bar. It twinkled like flecks of diamond and swirled around your feet when you walked. Bruce imagined big buckets of the stuff raining down on the dance floor at midnight and he shuddered. Imagine having glitter stuck in your hair. That shit would never come out.
Music played from the sound system, not as loud as it would be during operating hours. It sounded like ‘80s metal, not exactly what he expected from a place like this.
Some say life she's a lady
Kinda soft, kinda shady
I can tell you life is rich
She's no lady, she's a bitch
Being morning, the place was deserted except for a man behind the bar, busy at cleaning the countertop in anticipation for the night’s events. He was tall, Hispanic or Italian, and feminine, with a single earring and a tank top.
Bruce moseyed over to the bar and the barkeep looked up, missing a beat when he realized the fuzz was here. He sat down his rag and walked over. “Can I help you?” he asked in a whispy voice.
“Yeah,” Bruce said, “I’m looking for Joe Rossi. Is he here?”
“I don’t know,” the bartender said. He looked nervous. “I can check.”
Before Bruce could answer, he scurried off, leaving him alone.
They suck my body out
But friend there is no doubt
I'm gonna pay the devil his dues
Cause I'm sick of being abused
Bruce looked around, his fingers absently drumming on the countertop. Club Vlad was a clashing mix of grunge and glam that made his head hurt. He imagined what the place must be like at midnight, packed and noisy, and nodded to himself. Yeah, this was the spot, he guessed, the place all the cool kids went, if they went anywhere anymore. Hell, if he was thirty years younger, he might come here.
He had been waiting for almost twenty minutes when a voice spoke behind him. He turned with a start, and beheld the strangest man he had ever seen in his life. Short and plump - lumpy, even - he sat in a wheelchair, a red blanket draped over his shoulders and his hands resting on his knees. He was about fifty with sparse gray hair falling to his shoulders and a plastic-looking face. He looked like a wax statue of Ben Franklin come to life, and a deep sense of disquiet stirred in the pit of Bruce’s stomach.
Just can't fight the temptation
It's become my inspiration
Gonna get myself an axe
Break some heads, break some backs
It was only then that Bruce noticed the sickly sweet smell of death.
It seemed to come from the man in waves.
“I didn’t mean to frighten you,” the man said, “my name is Merrick Garvis and I own Club Vlad. Maybe I can be of assistance.”
Bruce grew up in the south where manners and saving face were paramount. His mother and his grandmother both taught him that it was impolite to stare. Maybe he'd been in New York so long that he’d forgotten himself, or maybe Merrick Garvis was just the strangest looking man in the world. Either way, Bruce couldn’t help gaping at his strange appearance. Recovering, he shook his head. “I’m sorry, I -”
Merrick smiled and waved one hand. Why was it so goddamn skeletal? “Don’t worry. I was injured in a fire a long time ago and this is the best they could do for me. To be honest, I’d stare too. What can I help you with, officer?”
“I’d like to talk to Joe Rossi,” Bruce said. “I understand he works for you.”
“He did,” Merrick said, “but I had to let him go. Did he do something wrong?”
Bruce sighed. “Well, yeah, he’s shacked up with a sixteen year old runaway.”
A look of concern crossed Merrick’s features, such as they were. “Oh, my, that is concerning. I haven’t seen him in several days. I assume he went home. He lives in Glens Falls.”
Bruce nodded, his mind working. If Rossi really was in Glens Falls, that meant the whole mess was someone else’s problem. He could send Bertha up there to bother some other poor barnacle head and be rid of her. Yet…he didn’t think Rossi was in Glens Falls. Bruce had a knack for knowing when people were lying, and he was certain that Merrick Garvis was doing just that. It couldn’t be a facial tick, as his features were largely unmoving, like clay. Maybe it was something in his cloudy eyes. Maybe it was the tone of his voice. Or maybe Bruce had the shining and knew things just for the hell of it. In any event, the certainty that Merrick Garvis was lying grew stronger with each passing second.
“Why’d you fire him?”
“He got drunk and hit one of the customers.”
“What did he do?” Bruce asked. “What was his position?”
“He was a bouncer.”
“Aren’t bouncers supposed to hit people?”
Merrick fumbled. “Well…not to punch them in the face for bumping into them.”
“How long did he work for you?”
“Six months.”
“Did you ever see him with an underage girl?”
“Of course not,” Merrick said, “you have to be twenty-one to get in. I make sure everyone’s ID is checked at the door.”
“What if she had a fake ID?”
“Then I guess she’d get in, but I’d assume she was of legal age.”
“You said he shoved someone, when did this happen?”
“Last week,” Merrick said.
“I thought you said he hit someone.”
Merrick again fumbled. “I did.” Now his face seemed to darken a little. A strange yellowish liquid, too thin to be snot, began to drip from his nostrils. Bruce barely suppressed a smear of disgust. “I understand you have a job to do but playing mind games with me isn’t going to solve anything. I can give you his address. Other than that, I can’t help you further.”
“Fair enough,” Bruce said. “But I’d like to see your ID please.”
Merrick glared at him. “I suppose you want my name, rank, and serial number as well.”
“Actually, yeah, I’d love that.”
Merrick drew a deep sigh. “Okay.”
In five minutes, Bruce had Merrick’s ID, social, and all other relevant information. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have bothered, even though he was well within his rights to ask for this information from someone he was questioning. But something about Merrick Garvis was off, and not just his weird face or strangely bulbous body. Bruce was just smart enough to realize that something was going on here, but not quite smart enough to even begin to imagine what.
When he had everything he needed and saw no reason to stick around, Bruce bid Merrick farewell and left the club. Before he could do anything else, he got a call from dispatch: Officer needed assistance in Pine Hills. Bruce slipped behind the wheel and went forth to help, momentarily putting Merrick Garvis out of his mind.
But soon or later, he would get back to him.
Oh yes he would.

I’m looking for opinions on how bad my (27F) drinking actually is. I know there is a lot of scaremongering, but I know a lot of it is genuine and should be taken on board. I’m interested in perspectives on health, and just generally peoples opinions to be honest.
I drink every day. Weekdays 1-3.5 units (but try to keep this closer to 1-2), weekends quite a bit more. Weekdays are normally a glass of wine and a small (single unit shot) vodka tonic, along those lines. Weekends I maybe have double or triple that. I am aware this is far above guidelines, FYI.
I feel very strongly that am not completely dependant on alcohol, physically at least, but it is a mental crutch. I can and do stop for a few days at a time, and I enjoy it when I do, but 99.9% of days I can’t be bothered to put the effort in. I live a busy life, I work hard, and at the end of the day I want to relax with a glass of wine. I am a hedonist, I have ADHD, and delayed gratification isn’t a thing for me. That said, I don’t day drink, and don’t enjoy getting drunk.
Physical: I live an active life. I have dogs and walk 20k steps a day despite working from home. Bodybuilding and powerlifting is a passion of mine, so I weight train for 1.5 hours 6 days a week. I have a low body fat percentage, am muscular and athletic, eat whole foods mostly cooked at home, high protein intake, and I take a range of supplements to support weight training and liver health. I’ve had bloods done recently and my LFTs are good with no concerns. I do vape and smoke, but am trying to quit the latter.
Social: I honestly feel it doesn’t affect me socially. I have good friendships, people very rarely see me drunk. I’m married and have an awesome relationship with my husband. I am a high performer at work and am in line for a promotion.
How much is this really a problem? Should I be concerned about my health? I know the plural of anecdote is not data, especially medically, and everyone has a story that goes ‘well my mate joe drank a bottle of whiskey a day, smoked a pack of camels a day and he lived to be 90’… but still, I’m curious.
Thanks in advance

Seeking some advice, apologies if this comes across in the wrong way, I know some people have it worse than I do. It’s all about perspective I suppose…
I’m looking for opinions on how bad my (27F) drinking actually is. I know there is a lot of scaremongering, but I know a lot of it is genuine and should be taken on board. I’m interested in perspectives on health, and just generally peoples opinions to be honest.
I drink every day. Weekdays 1-3.5 units (but try to keep this closer to 1-2), weekends quite a bit more. Weekdays are normally a glass of wine and a small (single unit shot) vodka tonic, along those lines. Weekends I maybe have double or triple that. I am aware this is far above guidelines, FYI.
I feel very strongly that am not completely dependant on alcohol, physically at least, but it is a mental crutch. I can and do stop for a few days at a time, and I enjoy it when I do, but 99.9% of days I can’t be bothered to put the effort in. I live a busy life, I work hard, and at the end of the day I want to relax with a glass of wine. I am a hedonist, I have ADHD, and delayed gratification isn’t a thing for me. That said, I don’t day drink, and don’t enjoy getting drunk.
Physical: I live an active life. I have dogs and walk 20k steps a day despite working from home. Bodybuilding and powerlifting is a passion of mine, so I weight train for 1.5 hours 6 days a week. I have a low body fat percentage, am muscular and athletic, eat whole foods mostly cooked at home, high protein intake, and I take a range of supplements to support weight training and liver health. I’ve had bloods done recently and my LFTs are good with no concerns. I do vape and smoke, but am trying to quit the latter.
Social: I honestly feel it doesn’t affect me socially. I have good friendships, people very rarely see me drunk. I’m married and have an awesome relationship with my husband. I am a high performer at work and am in line for a promotion.
How much is this really a problem? Should I be concerned about my health? I know the plural of anecdote is not data, especially medically, and everyone has a story that goes ‘well my mate joe drank a bottle of whiskey a day, smoked a pack of camels a day and he lived to be 90’… but still, I’m curious.
Thanks in advance

Rituals are the bread and butter of any magical practitioner worth their salt. But an issue that many people run into is that they read a ritual in a book or online, complete it, and then don't get any results. One main reason for this is that they fundamentally misunderstand what they are doing.
Rituals aren't a beckoning call to the Universe; they are setting a boundary for you to walk through.
Let me demonstrate this:
The average Joe actually does a number of rituals in his life. There's a ritual when he completes school, there's a ritual in which he declares his love for another person, and there is a ritual when a loved one passes aways. All of these things are major changes in his life, and the rituals serve to bookmark one phase of life as he walks into another. The sky doesn't change color when your mom dies, nor do you gain ten pounds (at least not immediately.)
So, we have a prescribed set of actions we do together to mark this change. This means that rituals are doorways. They make intangible changes in the world tangible.
Then, there's the second level of ritual; the kind that marks time as it passes. These are your Christmases, your Halloweens, your Yom Kippurs, your Ramadans, and if you want to get more frequent, the solstices, esbats, Shabbats, and daily prayers. These all take a thing that's happening in the world externally (usually astrologically), and then tie it to an action, be it as large as throwing a party, or a small as taking a moment to self-reflect. These actions become boundaries.
If you reflect on your place in life every new moon, you develop a backlog of times you do this, and every month is adding another point to the log. You break your time up into chunks, which charts your trajectory in life, and that alone will give you the energy to change it. We are already talking powerful stuff here, and I haven't even gotten to the magic!
But we see where this is going, right? Casting a spell is walking through a boundary between the life you have and the life you want. In order for it to work, you need to believe in it as much as you did when you graduated or when you got married. The door doesn't become real until you believe in it. And being able to believe in any door you wish to walk through will unlock so many possibilities for you in your lifetime.
So my advice: Do as many rituals as you can. As you brush your teeth, thank God for fresh breath. As you drive to work, plead with God not to get hit by an accident. Recite your favorite poem every morning, afternoon, and evening. Charge your coffee with good energy and feel it coursing through you as you drink it.
You walk through thousands of potential doorways every day, you just need to do a bit of work to notice them and walk through them consciously.
But if you build the habit, and you want something... All you need to do is walk through a new door.

New to the subreddit, not new to Gaylor... Finally making another post. Most of Taylor's songs I don't have much confidence in my interpretation of who or what it may or may not be about (and I think more songs have double meanings and layers than we often give credit for - the same way I might blend patient stories to make one case study for a presentation or to protect privacy -- I work in healthcare).

PEACE

But I have one interpretation that I am more confident than anything about... and that is that Peace is about asking your Beard if they're really sure they are in this for the long haul... I have no evidence for this other than the lyrics themselves, but it's always been the first thing I heard and I've never been able to unhear it or accept any other answer for what this song is about.

Our coming-of-age has come and gone Suddenly the summer, it's clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darling 'Cause it lives in me No, I could never give you peace

A nod to backing out of coming out, but also that being outed or coming out feels inevitable because it's who she is.

But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm If your cascade ocean wave blues come All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

"loves for show" "i would die for you in secret" feels like a very "wait what" phrase, and to me reads as the people that know you're my beard think it's all an act, but I really do care about you.
"devils in the details" "you got a friend in me" .... sure, we have a contract, it's not real, but also we are friends, again, I really do care about you.

Your integrity makes me seem small You paint dreamscapes on the wall I talk shit with my friends It's like I'm wasting your honor

You've been so good during this, I don't deserve it

And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother Is it enough?

I'll give you all of it... the picture perfect life. We'll get married, have kids, I'll choose you as my family.

But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me

But this secret is still always right around the corner. It'll catch up eventually.

Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

I can never give you my full peace. I can never be fully at peace in this relationship because I'm hiding part of who I am, and that restless desire to live in the my full identity will always be under the surface. Is it enough, even I can never fully be at peace, if I still care about you, and commit myself to you?

SNOW ON THE BEACH

The next song I'm less 100% convinced on, but another that once I heard it, it's been hard to hear it any other way, and as I listen to all of TTDP I feel a bit more convinced in the theory... I think Snow On The Beach is about falling in love with your Beard. It wasn't supposed to happen... it wasn't going to happen... until it did.

One night, a few moons ago I saw flecks of what could've been lights But it might just have been you Passing by unbeknownst to me Life is emotionally abusive And time can't stop me quite like you did And my flight was awful, thanks for asking I'm unglued, thanks to you
And it's like snow at the beach Weird but fuckin' beautiful Flying in a dream, stars by the pocketful You wanting me tonight feels impossible But it's comin' down, no sound, it's all around Like snow on the beach
This scene feels like what I once saw on a screen I searched aurora borealis green I've never seen someone lit from within Blurring out my periphery My smile is like I won a contest And to hide that would be so dishonest And it's fine to fake it 'til you make it 'Til you do, 'til it's true
I (I) can't (can't) speak afraid to jinx it I (I) don't (don't) even dare to wish it But your eyes are flying saucers from another planet Now I'm all for you like Janet Can this be a real thing? Can it?

Okay, really the main things in this song to point to it are the bits I bold... this is fucking weird, but it's beautiful. We faked it til we made it... ie we faked being in love until we actually were... can this actually be real now?
TTPD
That brings us to TTPD... First, there are just a few lines in songs that to me point that what developed with Joe became something more real, even though it started not real...
My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

Just say when, I'd play again He was my best friend Down at the sandlot I felt more when we played pretend Than with all the Kens Cause he took me out of my box Stole my tortured heart Left all these broken parts Told me I'm better off But I'm not

This stood out to me as "this one beard relationship was different than the others, I actually felt something more."
So Long, London

And you say I abandoned the ship But I was going down with it My white knuckle dying grip Holding tight to your quiet resentment and My friends said it isn't right to be scared Every day of a love affair Every breath feels like rarest air When you're not sure if he wants to be there

This stood out as not being able to tell if Joe was in it in it after she was, or if he was in it because of the contract... she actually loved him now, but was he just playing his part still... spoilers, turns out the answer to Peace was, "no, it's not enough."

THE PROPHECY

My last random addition here is the only other song besides Peace that I feel fully convicted on the One True Interpretation that I have... which is that The Prophecy is about desperately trying to find a way out of the closet after all these years, and all these failed attempts.

Hand on the throttle Thought I caught lightning in a bottle Oh, but it's gone again And it was written I got cursed like Eve got bitten Oh, was it punishment?

Finally going full throttle - coming out full steam ahead (ie Me!/Lover era)... but wait, no... The curse/Eve symbology here is also very 👀 because of general evangelical christian "being gay is a sin" and is she cursed every time she tries to come out because it's a sin like everyone (her dad) says.

Pad around when I get home I guess a lesser woman would've lost hope A greater woman wouldn't beg But I looked to the sky and said

You'd think after that, I'd give up on it... but I still can't stop wanting this.

Please I've been on my knees Change the prophecy Don't want money Just someone who wants my company Let it once be me Who do I have to speak to About if they can redo The prophecy?

Literally begging... please let me come out. Please let me just be happy. I don't care about the money. I want a real relationship, not sneaking around and hiding and feeling like it's shameful. Please just let me be me.

Cards on the table Mine play out like fools in a fable, oh It was sinking in Slow is the quicksand Poison blood from the wound of the pricked hand Oh, still I dream of him

She's been played in this game the whole time... if we believe she's wanted to come out since she first started, and was told "not yet" over and over... they knew it's what she wanted, and they just had to keep moving the yardstick further and further for when it would be the "right time" the "safe time" to come out. "You're not established enough yet" "It will hurt your sales" "Keep waiting"
I don't have a specific thought on the last two lines of this one, but welcome some additional thoughts on it.

And I sound like an infant Feeling like the very last drops of an ink pen A greater woman stays cool But I howl like a wolf at the moon And I look unstable Gathered with a coven round a sorceress' table A greater woman has faith But even statues crumble if they're made to wait I'm so afraid I sealed my fate No sign of soulmates I'm just a paperweight In shades of greige Spending my last coin so someone will tell me It'll be ok

How many more times can she ask for this, beg for this. It's affecting her mental health, she has been so patient until she can't be anymore, and the cracks are showing.
I also notice the shift here from "a greater woman wouldn't beg" to "a greater woman stays cool" and "a greater woman has faith" ... whatever she's doing, a biggebettestronger woman would be able to handle it, she's told time and again. Trust us. Calm down. It's coming. Just not yet. ... over and over and over...
I'm so afraid I sealed my fate - this one is a gut punch for me... she's a part of this. Ultimately she made the choices, too. She decided not to come out, over and over. Even if she was manipulated or given bad advice... she schemed and planned and meticulously hid this part of herself, knowingly... and can she ever come back from that? Can she really come out after all the effort she's put into painting a picture perfect Straight Taylor?
And therefore... no soulmates. she's stuck in shades of grey... (which really really ties into other themes of her closeted/heteronormative performance is grey, dull, lifeless vs the colorful, rich kaleidoscope of her true self.... ie the Lover era vs all the ones since... This stands out to me in But Daddy, I Love Him...

If all you want is gray for me//Then it's just white noise//And it's just my choice

I just don't see how those lines can be anything BUT about being queer....

Who do I have to speak to To change the prophecy?

The song ends in continued echoed pleas.... How do I get out of this. How do I change it? Will I ever actually get my time... Back to But Daddy, I Love Him...

Too high a horse For a simple girl to rise above it They slammed the door on my whole world The one thing I wanted

The one thing I wanted... but it's always been too high... again, it's a moving target, she can never rise high enough to actually get what she's wanted since she started... And again, they slammed the door on all of it...

TL;DR

Anyway, All of that to say...
I think Peace is about asking Joe if he's sure he's really in this for the long haul... then Taylor fell in love with him, which caught her by surprise... then Joe decided actually, he wasn't in for the long haul... and I think TTPD is about the bitter heartbreak of not being able to come out, but there's some Joe nods that I think represent the genuine heartbreak she's had after they officially absolved their relationship/contracted obligations.

Are they second-hand embarrassed That I can't get out of bed? Cause something counterfeit's dead

(okay, I don't think most of loml is about Joe, just this one line has been KEEPING ME UP AT NIGHT OKAY. This line makes me think that she genuinely was heartbroken and crushed when she and Joe officially ended... because a fake relationship is dead, and she can't get out of bed....)

At this point, I’m not sure Taylor loved Joe, given her cheating and lyrics to some of the songs. I’m not sure if she emotionally cheated, or physically, but I’m guessing physically because Illicit affairs really makes it sound like she is familiar with how it feels to have a full fledged affair. I am not someone who relates a lot to Taylor, and I definitely don’t now. If Matty was the love of her life, it makes no sense that they didn’t just get together at some point. She wasn’t married, no kids, just….be together. Instead she willingly staid with her“jailor”, why?I have no idea if she “loves” Travis, or if this is just someone to be with because she can’t be alone. Not only did she not seem to love the guy she sold as “the love of her life” for six years,🙄, but she didn’t even seem to like or respect him. If she did, she never would have dropped hints about being jailed to get her fans to go after him. Or at the very least stop them from terrorising him. She really threw him under the bus once she was over it and had no problem telling the world about his mental health struggles. It’s kinda sad. Taylor seems very empty to me, like she becomes obsessively infatuated with people and then gets bored and either ditches them or hates them. And other than her never ending bottomless need to succeed in her career, I have absolutely no idea who this person is. She also doesn’t seem to have a lot, (or any?) empathy which is a little scary. Anybody else have no clue who Taylor even is?

HI - ok so just started the show and i am LOVING it, but I'm so confused on the role of Rebecca. My mom watched the show so I do know a spoiler about her *marriage to justin*, but im on season 1 now and just going through the motions of her kiss with joe. Does the family ever find out the TRUTH??? She's definitely becoming a villain in my eyes BUT the marriage later on makes me question this (also she married her half brother????? HUH???)
Anyway, if anyone happens to know if we find out the truth about her or if she is kind of the villain in the show, please let me know : ). Spoilers are totally fine by me.

Trying to learn the story of "Crazy" Joe McCloskey-- the dude that used to just hang out in front of Delancey's and stare at people.

• In 1940, William "Wild Bill" Guarnere lived at 187 S. Chadwick St in South Philly. (enumeration district 51-783)
• In 1940, Edward "Babe" Heffron lived at 218 Wilder St.
• (enumeration district 51-8)
• The two lived about 10 min apart.
• Haven't been able to find Delancy's in that area yet.
• There are 54 "Joe McCloskey" in Philadelphia in 1940
• One Joe McCloskey, age 48, a "patient" at the Philadelphia General at 4610 Curie Ave. South Philly stands out as a possibility. This facility is the former Blockley Almshouse and is about 10 minutes from both homes.
• There was also a 25 year old Joseph McCloskey on Green St. that was 10 min north of Wild Bill, but he was married and employed.
• The only other nearby "Joe McCloskey" looks to be a 34 y.o. lodgenight worker living on Green St.

Joe McCloskey at Philadelphia General is the most likely candidate. Joe was still a patient at Philadelphia State Hospital in 1950. He was a widow and born in 1892 in Ireland. I'm going to look and see what more I can learn.

How come the Gorgas, Joe especially, can have his beefs with both of Teresa’s husbands and people validate his feelings but Teresa isn’t allowed to get mad at Melissa? When Joe fights with Juicy and Luis, they use all of Juicy and Luis’s separate past behavior as a validation for it even if they’re not related to the family issues, but we’ve seen Melissa constantly go after Teresa yet somehow “TeReSa Is JuSt JeAlOuS” I understand how some people still fall for Melissa’s being the poor hated daughtesister in law trope, but she’s very sketchy too and the reasons to not like her and question her motives for not just joining the show but to even marry Joe in the first place are very valid. At this point it’s been over a decade where we’ve seen Melissa come for Teresa and people are still confused as to why Teresa doesn’t like her. If you saw your sibling be with someone who is very fake and sketchy, wouldn’t you voice it to them? Just like the Gorgas voice their concerns with Juicy and Luis, but they’re not being accused of trying to break up anyone’s marriage like they accuse Teresa for doing. As much Teresa can’t stand Melissa, I highly doubt she’d want to see her brother get divorced from someone he has kids with. Luis may have his past, but he’s never really done anything wrong to the Gorgas first and he’s tried to mend fences. I see it all the time when family members try to speak up against boyfriends/husbands they are applauded, but if they speak up against wives/girlfriends, they’re bitter and hated. It’s happened in my own family.
My issue with Teresa is that because she was raised in such a male favored home, she saw through Melissa’s bullshit, but never saw through her own brother’s bullshit until now and she just didn’t hold her brother’s wrongs against him the way she should’ve until she’s had enough. She’s obviously a pick me and she’s slowly trying to unlearn her misogynistic bias she was raised with but at 50, the damage is done and she’s let the damage be done.

I've seen several theories about how the show might end, especially now that we have all the synopsis for the episodes that are left to be aired. I wanted to know which one is yours?
Theory #1 : The wildfire causes multiple firefighters to be injured and get near-death experiences in which they see a potential future, which results in most members of the station deciding to move away from it. Andy gets to pick a fresh new team like her father did before her. Vic expands Crisis One nationally, Maya goes into the fire academy or inspection, Travis goes with Ruiz and Amaya, Beckett retires, Ben goes back to Grey Sloane, and Sullivan and Ross marry and leave on their honeymoon.
Theory #2 : Andy dies at the wildfire by saving her team like her father did. While she saves them, they all hallucinate what a potential future might be for them.
Theory #3 : The Station goes up in flames and no longer exists because of the wildfire. They all part their ways while waiting for another potential station to be built somewhere. They have a last drink at Joe's bar and talk/day-dream about a potential future.
Theory #4 : Ross reveals she made a terrible deal with the Mayor : privatizing the city's first responders. All stations will close. Andy pairs up with Drew Farris (the union guy) and both fight their last call as public firefighters at the wildfire. Coming close to dying, all members see their life flash before their eyes, including a flash forward of what could have been.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/user posting in AITAH
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 5th May 2024
Update - 6th May 2024
​
1 New Update
Thanks to u/Small-Bodybuilder160 for finding the update
Final Update - 10th May 2024
​
AITAH for passing out during a family gathering meant to introduce our new baby?
​
So, recently I(27F) had a beautiful baby girl with my husband(29M). She's my pride and joy, I love her more than I love myself. But, taking care of her has taken its toll on me. My husband promised the work would be 50/50 when we agreed we wanted children, but I don't feel that's being reflected by his actions this past month.
It's gotten to the point where I can't even ask him to wash her up without him saying something along the lines of, "My paternity leave is short, I want to make the most of it by relaxing a bit. I'll help you out later." And I get it. His paternity leave is only 6 weeks while mine is 16 weeks, but my nether regions hurt like a bitch for a better part of two weeks after the birth and all he could do for me was occasionally burp her.
Now, my baby girl has gotten to a phase where she doesn't want to sleep. She'll sleep for an hour, but then she's up and back to crying and I have to get up and try to soothe her. It's been happening for a week now and I've gotten so little sleep that I'm nodding off while eating or doing tge laundry and stuff. Saturday was the month anniversary of my daughter's birth, so I decided to gather both sides of the family to meet her. (They hadn't met her prior because a)I wanted to rest as much as I could and b)I heard somewhere that you shouldn't be taking babies out and about when they're fresh out the womb cause they're more prone to illness then).
So, we had this gathering at my mother's house and all was well. Everyone was cooing over our baby, there was food, people were catching up or meeting for the 1st time. It was nice. But, I had gotten about 3 hours(generous estimate) of sleep in total the past week and I was starting to feel the effects of it. I was feeling lightheaded and clammy, but I didn't wanna make a scene so I tried to go to a bedroom to lie down. I didn't take 10 steps before my vision completely blacked out.
I wasn't down for long, but I had fallen over which drew some attention. I explained to everyone who was concerned that I was fine and that I was just not getting enough sleep and I could see my husband visibly frown at that. They gave me some of the dessert my aunt made to get my sugar up and the party continued. I felt embarrassed about the whole thing, especially since everyone was still looking over me til we left, but it's whatever
What bothered me is my husband's reaction. When we got home, he started going off on me about how I "made him look bad" and like "he wasn't taking care of me". I was confused on how tf me passing out made HIM look bad, but he refused to explain himself and had a pity party for himself in the kitchen.
I was still feeling bad, so I decided to leave him alone and just to go sleep, but he seems to have taken that as a sign that I don't care about his feelings. He's in my ear this morning about how I just ignored him to go sleep last night and how I didn't even put the baby to sleep before leaving. Is he right? AITAH here?
​
Update: So I've tried talking with him, but he's been ignoring me and the baby the last three hours. I'd usually wait longer, but I'm just too tired to deal with this right now. You guys were right, I do need help with this, and he's made it very clear he's not ready to help me yet, so I'm just going to go to my mom's place. I'm currently packing. I'm so done.
​
Comments
​
sophie_Mal
NTA and I can’t call your husband the names I want to because my comment will be deleted.
Paternity leave isn’t a time to relax, it’s a time you’re helping raise the baby and spending time together as a family. CLEARLY he is not doing either of these things as A. You’d be better rested and B. He’d have noticed you’re exhausted.
You passing out made him look bad because it was clear to everyone that you’re being left to raising your baby alone. It’s clearly not a partnership and the AH you’re married to is turning it onto you to shift responsibility and blame.
You need to seriously reconsider the relationships future and bring this up with him as it all comes down to him and his behaviour. If he gets his shit together, then things will be much better. But if he doesn’t, you and your daughter deserve so much better.
​
awaythrowers97
He doesn't know what "paternity leave" is and doesn't really want to take care of his family. Sadly, you can't seem to shake that loser.
​
ArticleOld598
This deadbeat of a father and husband is using his 6 weeks to laze around instead of using it taking care of his wife & child.
OP you said you love your baby more than yourself, would you want to let her grow up and think that it's normal for wives to push themselves while they're sleepless and in pain until they faint & husbands to berate them instead of worrying & taking care of them?
Tell your parents that your husband doesn't help you at all & blamed you for "making him look bad". You know what else makes him look bad? Being a deadbeat father and partner.
​
**Judgement - NTA*\*
​
Update - 1 day later
​
Hi all, your comments were really helpful, so thank you!
Yesterday, before I could Uber to my mom's house, my sister offered to help me, so I'm staying with her instead. She's taking PTA to help me out with my girl, which I'm very grateful for. She also gave me sleep medicine that knocked me out for hours (I'm not sure if that was a good idea or not, but I slept long and well so I don't care.)
I woke up a few hours ago to tons, and I mean TONS, of messages from my husband. Like, the little app icon had 99+ on it. Here are some of the things he said(copy pasted):
​

• You cant just up and fucking leve with my baby
• Come back now pls let's talk abt it
• Your actually so fuvking immature wth is wrong with you we have one argument and you fucking pretend like I've been beating you why the hell did you leave????
• We can work this out like adults yet your choosing to be difficult like a little bitch
• Pls just come back we will talk and sort this out and we can go back to being happy so come back
• I miss my baby girl you can't just take her away
• What if I call the police for kidnapping??? Would that teach you wat your doing is wrong???

​
I would screenshot, but it says this community doesnt allow attachments, so i can't. And I know it's a bit weird to tell yall what he's been texting me, but I'm mad right now and this feels therapeutic lol. I already sent the screenshots to his mom though!
As for my baby, I have an appointment to a paediatrician for Wednesday, but for now she's on formula since my breast milk quality isn't the best for understandable reasons. My sister said she wasn't as fussy as I described, so I really think the problem is with my milk. That or my sister wanted to make me feel better for sleeping, who knows. I'll wait for the doctor's opinion.
I'm not feeling 100% but I feel a whole lot more better than before. Thank you to everyone who showed concern! I think this will be the last update since I wanna not think too much about my husband rn.
​
Comments
​
ZombieJoesBasement
I am sooo glad you left and got some help and rest. You definitely need and deserve it.
I still can't get over your husband's mental gymnastics here. He hasn't been a parent, hasn't helped you at all, and hasn't really spent any time caring for his daughter and only cares about what other people (besides you) think, but "misses his baby girl" and wants you to come back "so we can go back to being happy"?! Sounds like the only person who was happy was him--he got a 6 week vacation and didn't have to lift a finger. Let me guess-you were doing all the cooking and cleaning on top of caring for the baby? From what he is texting you, he thinks he did nothing wrong. He is being deliberately obtuse.
To add insult to injury he calls you a bitch and threatens you with the cops. Lovely. He is a real peach.
I really want to know what his mom has to say. Does she know he was mad at you for passing out?
​
Efficient-Cupcake247
Because it isn't about love. It is about control and image. Please keep strong. You have done a fabulous job doing what you need to for you and baby. Best wishes
​
blehguardian
To be clear, kidnapping is not involved. Until a custody agreement is submitted to the court, either married parent is legally permitted to take their child for any reason.
​
Aggravating-Pipe-903
Damn, this dude is crazy. Hopefully next update it’ll be ex-husband
​
**New Updates*\*
​
AITAH for passing out during a family gathering meant to introduce our new baby? LAST UPDATE - 4 days later
​
For all of you who wanted to know what his mother's reaction was, she yelled at him and he made that my problem. The things he's messaged me are vile. And even though MIL was mad at him and KNOWS what he's been saying to me, she still insisted that I go visit him face to face so we can work things out.
I don't really blame her. He's her son, of course she'd still want to help him, but still....With all the ways he's been threatening me and cussing me out, I really didnt want to see him, but I decided to go. Mostly because I needed the stuff that I left at our house.
I went with my sister for safety, obviously. We got there and he played with our baby, he offered to feed her (she wasn't hungry), just acting completely different from the man texting me about how much of a "heartless bitch" I am. I didn't really feel comfortable having him near me or the baby with how violent his texts were, but she's still his baby. I don't think the courts would favour him after I show his texts, but I thought I should rather be safe and allow him some form of contact before going to court. This was a mistake.
At the end of the visit, I decided I should go pack my stuff, since that was one of the only reason I agreed to come. But, I didn't feel comfortable not being there while he had my baby. Yeah, my sister was there and I trust her, but I'd rather watch her with my own eyes. So, my sister went upstairs to pack for me. As soon as she was gone, he started talking about "See? I'm good now I can take care of her." And other stuff but that wasn't the problem. Even if he became super dad, I wouldn't be able to see him the same. Not after all those messages he sent me.
I told him that and he got pissed at me. I was getting worried since my daughter was still in his arms, so I tried to deescalate his feelings. It didn't work and he started yelling at me for "being heartless" and "stubborn" and whatnot. I wasn't really focused on what he was saying, I was focused on my baby. I tried to reach out for her and he shoved me hard enough to fall back. My sister came down and tried to help, but he shoved her away too and ran to the guest room and locked himself and MY BABY in there. He refused to come out unless my sister left and i stayed behind. I can't tell y'all how scary it is to not know what's happening to your child.
It took officers almost 30 minutes to get him out, which pissed me off. Like I know they were probably trying to assess the danger or whatever but I just wanted my baby. In that 30 minute window he could've shaken her or threw her out the window or something and they were there asking him to come out like he was a child and not breaking down the door. She was fine, though, so I can't be too mad.
They didn't arrest him since "no harm was done" even though my sister and I have bruises to prove otherwise, but they held him outside while I packed my stuff. It actually bothers me that they didn't at least detain him, but there's not much I can do about it now. I don't think I'm going to go near him again. Not with my baby. I'm thinking of going to apply for that emergency custody thing yall were talking about.
This happened on Wednesday and I'm still shaken. It's really depressing, for a lack of better word, seeing how much he's changed. I really loved him and I felt he loved me too. How he's acting is crushing me. I feel deflated. My baby girl and my sister are really the only things keeping me going right now.
I'm sorry for the wall of text, it's just that texting this all out helps me feel better. But, I don't think I want to continue updating. Just know that we're splitting up. Thank you all for your support!!
Extra: after visiting the doctor, I've decided to just skip the hassle and formula feed. She seems happier with formula anyways.
​
Comments
​
JanetInSpain
OMG document everything. Take pictures of the bruises. Go see a doctor and tell the doctor you just need things documented to protect yourself and your baby. File a police report for assault and both you and your sister write detailed statements of everything that happened. Then apply for emergency custody.
​
georgiajl38
Go to the police station and file a report for assault. Screw those cops. They didn't have to take him but the assault report should have definitely been filed. Get in front of a magistrate asap!!!
​
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I’ve watched the documentary on Peacock but honestly, I haven’t dug incredibly deep into the details of the case like some of you have. I do, however, have personal connections to some parties involved in this case that have helped me develop a theory about Robert’s death.
As a queer person, I’ll say, it is ridiculous to assume that just because Robert had gay friends that he was gay. But what if he was?
Robert came from a traditional Chinese family where things like homosexuality were incredibly frowned upon.
What if Robert was homosexual, and had been hiding it from his family his entire life? Even going to the extent of marrying a woman (who I am sure he still loved and cared about nonetheless).
What if Robert found out he, like so far too many gay men, had contracted HIV? At least two of the men Robert saw that night were HIV+ at the time, what if he had been intimate with any of them in the past? How would he tell his family? What would he tell his wife? He would have to tell her to keep her safe if they were to continue to be intimate. This was more than 6 years before PrEP came out and HIV/AIDS was still considered by many to be a death sentence.
Perhaps Robert felt helpless and wished to end it all. Suicide would is also considered shameful in many cultures and religions. Maybe Robert was worried his wife and family would feel guilty if he were to kill himself.
What if Robert trusted his closest friends to help him with an assisted suicide? What if he came to them out of desperation to help him end his life on his own terms and make it look like a crime as to place the blame on an entity and not cause any suspicious to his sexuality or disease?
Joe’s brother was in school for phlebotomy at the time of the death, and it was confirmed that he skipped class that night. His alibi was only corroborated by two other close friends who could have easily been covering life him.
What if the five men, together, had a premeditated plan to help their friend end his life and had it all planned out. Joe, the lawyer, of course would plan the story down to the fine details and they would go over it many times before cops were ever called. They could have been planning for weeks it months. What if Robert showed up that night knowing it would be his last. What if the men gave him paralyzing drugs and put him in the bathtub where Michael used his phlebotomy skills to drain Roberts blood to reduce the mess/ cover the use of any agents or drugs used in the process. What if they stabbed him and then realized there was a finger print or something on the original knife so they had to fake a second one that was “clean”.
What if they packed up everything with blood and evidence and bagged it up and Michael left the house to dispose if the evidence before the police ever showed up? What f he was the person that was heard/seen using the back door but it was in exit not entrance? What if the remaining three men all took their showers and put on clean robes before calling the police to report the “stabbing”?

I currently (40M) had my ex (35F) completely destroy our relationship while I was working out of town for a few months. This happened a year ago and wish I had these stories as a resource while going through it. I have just started to use Reddit and been reading the experiences of others here and have decided to share my story in hopes it will maybe help others. That way some good may come from some of the worst times of my life.
A little backstory for context for the story and insight to some of the decisions I made. When I turned 30 I left the major city in my Province (it is like a state if you are an American) because buying just a simple house is over a million dollars and I don't make near enough to afford that. My goal was to move to somewhere more rural to buy a house, meet someone, get married and have a child or two. It was my only dream I had and believed I could attain it. I lived out in the bush on my step dads property in a run down trailer I bought so I could save money for the first 3 years. I had my dog but the loneliness of living in the middle of nowhere had got to me. By then I had saved a fair amount of money, so I decided to move into the town. It was nice, it cut my commute down by 40 minutes, I had started to make a few friends and no longer felt so isolated. It was through my friends I met my future ex. Let's call her Kali. She had a long term boyfriend when we first met. Their relationship ended a couple of years after meeting her and we started dating a few months after.
We mostly had a great relationship for the next 4 years. The only thing was it was on again off again. She would dump me after I did anything really special for her for a week and beg me to take her back. It was like clockwork. I used to think it was because of her depression and that she didn't believe she deserved to be truly happy. Nowadays I actually think she might have been cheating the whole time and just felt guilty about it when I did nice stuff for her but I will never know the truth. I don't care what the reality is anymore anyway, Time has a funny way of making stuff like that irrelevant. We did have one bigger break of about 5 months. When it happened I took time off work to travel in my RV the whole time. From spring to summer. I really didn't like the town I lived in and decided to use that time to check out the rest of my Provence to figure out where I wanted to restart my life. She was basically the only reason I stayed for so long. I did have a decent job and family close by but most people I met there were not good people. Lots of drug users, liars, and general scumbags. I had only a few real friends there. After I got back and had decided where I was going to move to she had decided she wanted me back. She begged me to stay and be with her. She told me that she wanted to get serious. We started making real progress about getting married, having kids and looking at buying a house. Everything was coming up Milhouse and I couldn't be happier. So You can probably guess this is when my tale becomes interesting for you and life got real bad for me.
My career is seasonal. I work from spring to the end of fall and can go on unemployment insurance or find work. My dad had asked if I could help on his farm breeding horses that winter when I had still planned to leave my town. I had promised him that I would because it would give me a place to stay before people in my field of work would be looking for employees. This had been agreed upon before me and Kali had got back together. Now I have always been a man of my word. It's something I take great pride in. I have always hated liars. I don't mind a little embellishment to make a story more fun or if two people's stories are different as long as they both believe that was how the events happened. Everyone remembers things slightly off. She was upset that I had intended to keep my word to my dad but I had every second weekend off. The town my dad is in was only a 2 hour drive. So I told her I would be back twice monthly for weekends and that it would only be for 4 months. For the first two months everything seemed fine. During this time I started to look at rings to pop the question and booked an expensive spa for two days in May to propose. There was only one weird thing that happened during the first two months. On one of my visits she confided in me that her brother's wife had cheated on him and that their newborn baby was most likely not his. I was shocked that she not only knew but didn't plan to tell him. She said she didn't want to tell him for fear of breaking up the family. I told her that he has the right to know and that she was being a bad sister by knowing and not telling him. I also informed her if he found out she knew and didn't say anything that he would most likely kick her out of his life. She made me swear I wouldn't tell him. Even though I thought it was wrong I did agree to not say anything. It did get me wondering how she could not only not tell him but stay friends with someone that could do that to her brother. I think that's when I started to question her morals. The third month she asked that I didn't come out because she was "sick". I told her I didn't care, I could still come out and take care of her. She convinced me that she didn't want me to come so I just worked on the farm instead. I switched weekends so I could come out the next instead of in two weekends. The weekend she was "sick" her phone was off the whole time, lasting into the week. She told me her phone went through the washing machine. She was actually on a bender but I didn't learn that till later.
So I head out the following weekend. As soon as I arrive I start getting super sketchy vibes. I was already weirded out about the stuff with her brother and ghosting me for 4 days as we talked/texted multiple times a day normally. At first she acts great to me, cooks me steak and we go out to the bush to have a fire in the snow. At the fire she really started drinking heavily. She then mentions a guy she had been hanging with lets call him Brad. So alarm bells start going through my head. We go back to her house and she keeps drinking. I wanted to keep a clear head so I only had three beers all evening. She put her phone down unlocked because of how drunk she was and I took it to the bathroom with me to look up texts between them. I felt so guilty for doing it at first but once I see the text between the two of them the guilt is replaced with rage. I go to her room to confront her and she breaks down. First, how dare I go through her phone, this never would have happened if I would have broken my promise to my dad, nothing really happened between them, blah, blah, blah. I was furious and drove off. She blows up my phone the whole time. I don't answer. Ten minutes after I left her mother called me. She lives at her moms house. I took the call and her mom said she is freaking out and has harmed herself. I decide to go back and she has a bandage wrapped around her arm. Her mom hid all the sharp objects she could find. She was having a full on panic attack and begs me to not leave. I told her I would stay if she told me the truth. She admits to hooking up with him one time just that last weekend when she asked me not to come out. It kind of matches the messages and I believe her. I stay there till she falls asleep. Once she does I send Brad a text saying that she has a boyfriend with some screen shots of our conversations me and her have had that week. I was about to drive back to the farm when the dude called her phone. I pick up the call and tell him I am her boyfriend. He asks if that was a joke and I assure him it is not. He said he didn't know and actually apologized. I tell him that I'm pissed but if he didn't know I couldn't blame him. I should have asked him more questions but I was tired, not thinking straight and just wanted to go back to the Farm even though it was two am by this point. I get home and crash. Turned my ringer off because I know once she wakes up she will start calling like crazy. After getting the horses in for the night I decided to look at my phone for the first time all day. Around thirty missed calls and a ton of texts. I decide I need another day before I talk to her. Now while the whole day all I can think about is that it was just one time, she seems to be genuinely remorseful about it, how I'm 39 and really want children before I get too old. I took a call from her the next day on Sunday in the morning. She is still wasted. She hadn't stopped drinking since I was there Friday. We talk and I tell her that I am really upset but am willing to give us another chance. I still was in love with her and wanted to have kids, get married and buy a house with her. It was the dream I felt I worked so hard for. She was so happy I took her back and swore to me nothing like this would ever happen again. Basically I was a fool lol.
So I decided on my next set of days off to borrow my stepdads summer home on the river so we can have the place to ourselves. I grab food that she loves so I can cook her dinner and try to make it very romantic. I want to rekindle my love with her so I wanted to go all out on an amazing weekend. I pick her up and she is already a little drunk. I kind of wanted to hang sober but I don't wanna mess up with her so don't say anything thinking we can do a sober day when I take her out to go shopping and dinner the next day. When we get there she gets hammered. Kali had brought a big of bottle fireball on top of a bunch of white claws. I again didn't really drink that night. Once she was drunk and tired I carried her to the bed. As Kali is in my arms she looks up at me and says in slurred words "I don't know why you even felt threatened by Joe" I ask "what did you just say?". "I don't know why you even felt threatened by Brad" she replied. I put her to bed and my mind starts racing. Now her ex before me has a really close name to the one she said first but I also know she has a friend named Joe I only met a couple of times. They were not close or even hung out but were more like acquaintances. I go in her purse to look at her phone again but the battery is dead and I can't find her charger. I have an Iphone so I can't charge it up to look. I didn't sleep that well that night with everything going on in my head. I woke up at 6 am to her being very loud on the phone. I went out to the living room and she had drank all the booze left over from the night before. I ask her who she was on the phone with and she tells me an uber to leave. I ask why is she going to leave? Kali tells me she is upset that I tried to get into her phone. Guess I didn't put it back in her purse. Must have been out of sorts and forgot. I tell her I can drive her once I go to the washroom and get some clothes on. I go to do that, come out of the washroom to see Kali has already left. She was so drunk that she had left half her stuff behind. I decided to have breakfast before bringing her stuff to her house. After breakfast I packed her stuff into my SUV and noticed it had snowed that night. I could see her footprints out into the driveway. While Dropping off her stuff I noticed there were no footprints leading to her house, so I tried calling Kali. No answer. I left her stuff in the snow and decided to drive by her brothers and sisters house to see if there were footprints going into any of their houses but there were none. I sent her a nasty text about knowing she didn't go home, to go be with Brad or Joe or whoever and never call me again. It was a lot more profane than that but that's the gist of it. Cleaned up the house my stepdad lent me and back off to the farm yet again. The next day she blows up my phone and again I wait another day to talk to her. She tells me that she went home but I know that can't be true from the snow, but she says I must have been mistaken. She apologizes for getting drunk and leavening and that she is going to stop drinking after her birthday in two weeks. She has rented a hotel in the town I'm in for her birthday and wants to spend it with me. I agree just because I have to know the truth and want to look at her phone to make sure I am not crazy. She had gaslit me to the point I was questioning what I saw with my own eyes. A couple of days later I decided to send Joe a message on Facebook to see if he would give me the truth. I get a text from her telling me not to bug her friend and that she is embarrassed. I apologize and tell her I am excited about her birthday soon.
The weekend of her birthday comes so I go to meet her at the hotel. She brought her sister and other friend along. It actually is a really fun time. The girls did coke the first night into the second evening. I don't really like it but I figured she can let loose especially if she is going to stop drinking after her birthday. I also knew by Saturday night that they would all crash hard so it would give me time to look at her phone so I could know the truth. As I mentioned the weekend was really fun so I felt bad about going into her phone yet again. I did it anyway and my whole world came crashing down. Now I figured that I would maybe see Brad or Joe texts and Facebook messages. Seemed like Brad was done but Joe and her were totally hooking up. I also found out that she had slept with 3 other guys. I also saw she was using coke all the time now. She did it maybe three times a year when we dated but now it was every weekend. It looked like she started using regularly right before I left for the farm. Joe helped get it for her too, out of all the guys he was the one she hung with the most. Turns out he was also a meth head who was trying to quit for her. She also went to his house the morning she left the other weekend to hook up and buy coke. I was floored. I just staired and took screen shots till the early morning. I decided I wasn't just going to dump her but I wanted to ruin her life not realizing she was already doing that all by herself but hindsight is 20 20. So I started coming up with a plan of what I was going to do. I woke up the next morning and acted like everything was fine and went back to the farm. I was still so upset and didn't want to harm myself or others so had a family friend take my firearms for a while. I don't think I would have used them on myself or others but I knew I wasn't thinking clearly and didn't want them in my house while I was like that.
I didn't have to see her till I moved back because the next set I had off I had tickets for a concert in the city I used to live in. During that time all I thought about was how I was going to do something to ruin her life. I came up with some small things but my main plan was to pretend like we were fine and ghost her when my contract was up with my boss next winter. I had promised him another year after kali and I had gotten back together. Just typing it out makes me look back and cringe that I was so crazy. When I went to the city for the concert I told my best friend, my brother and a few others my plan. No one liked it and thought I should just go no contact, cut her straight out of my life. That probably was the smart thing to do but emotion was clouding my judgement. Also you all would get this story. They even informed me that because I would be lying to her, that I would be compromising my morals and turning into a worse person they didn't recognize. I either didn't see it that way or care. I have a hard time recalling what my brain was thinking during that time. All seems like a haze now that it's been a year. I think I was really upset that my dream and all I had worked for was ruined. A friend later said I may have been in love with the dream and not her. Maybe that's the reason I kept up all this insanity.
My time on the farm had come to an end and I was moving back to the town me and my ex lived in. I was set with my plan, excited to implement it and have what I considered just. But you know what they say of the best laid plans. My ex wanted to go to hang at her brothers as a welcome home party. I went but ended up drinking. Heavily drinking, to the point of black out. I don't remember much from that night but have had it recounted for me. I woke up in the drunk tank. Guess I couldn't lie and play it cool then huh? The story I was told later is, while at her brothers I had gotten drunk and loud. Kept waking up the new baby and we were asked to leave. So we caught a cab and I confronted her in the cab but all I could do was call her a lying, cheating, whore on repeat. She got upset and ran into the house locking me out. I had a bunch of my stuff in her house so I went to the door and demanded she let me in. All the while still only referring to her as the aforementioned 3 words. She told me to leave but my jacket and wallet were inside. It was below freezing at night still and probably wouldn't have made it home in the state I was in. I then kicked in her door to keep calling her LCW and grab my stuff. She was on the phone to the police, so I was taken away by them. One of the lowest points in my life. It still brings me so much shame to this day but it is what happened and I am not going to sugar coat it. I never laid a finger on her and I am so happy that I hadn't. Laying hands on women in that way is one of the scummiest things a man can do. I had to go back to her house once they let me out because my stuff was still there. I apologized to her mom who had been at her boyfriends that evening promising to repair the door for her. Kali begged me to talk to her and like an idiot I didn't just leave. I told her I saw everything and she only admitted to Brad and Joe. Lying about them and the others the whole time. Even when I brought up the screen shots she still couldn't come clean. I left just shaking my head. There is still a ton to this story but this is long enough. I could do a part 2 if there is interest. Catching you folks up to where I am now and the messed up things that happened in between.

Unfortunately I remember very little and since I read the book a few decades ago there's a chance some details are wrong.
Let's call the main protagonist (the man that eventually marries the daughter) Joe (I don't recall his real name). More info / details that I think I remember correctly:

• Released before 1990s, likely much earlier and might be just a reprint of some old book
  
• Set in America, likely a couple of centuries ago or so
  
• At the start of the book, there is a description of (some part of) America which involves prairies with wild horses and contrasts a few different landscapes
  
• I think the woman who Joe wanted to marry was named Adele or Adelaide
  
• In order to get his future father in law to give him permission to marry his daughter, Joe has to do some kind of "quest" with him to prove he's "worthy"
  
• The quest I think involves long horse rides with other people in the group
  
• I think at some point the two men (Joe and his future father in law) are not in the same group
  
• There's some scene where they shoot I think arrows through the apple on a girl's head
  
• Has fights against the Indians, with references to scalping
  
• I think one of the fights is set in some (coal?) mines or something along the lines
  
• I think Indians surround the group that Joe is part of
  
• Joe and some other person are in some kind of a "cave" in the mine
  
• Indians light some stinky bush or something to try to get them to leave the "cave"
  
• The other man cannot stand the stink and runs out to try to kill as many Indians he can, but is killed in the attempt
  
• Joe survives because Indians assumed the other person was the only one in the "cave"
  
• At the end, he manages to finish the "quest" and marry his love
  

I have a real life adult corporate job and need to start acting like it instead of Gayloring on the clock, but I cannot stop thinking about this topic.

Foundations Of "The Man You Script" Theory:

My theory is that the manuscript is actually referring to “the man you script.” To me, this means the storylines that Taylor writes in her songs are (at least sometimes) driven exclusively by fans’ theories and delulu fantasies. It’s the man (men) they script that she writes about. One thing about Taylor is, she gives the people what they want.
I think sometimes the songs about the man the fans script are pure parody songs, and other times they are meant to lead Swifties to believe it’s about some random man Taylor has been linked with, when it’s obvious to Gaylors that it is gay.
There are so many examples of this in her discography, and IMO even more instances have occurred in recent years:

• London Boy: We (the public) knew almost nothing about Joe. In parallel to that, this is the most generic song Taylor could have ever written. It touches on the 2 Joe hints we get: he lives in London and he has a normal life and friends, (“pub/rugby with his school friends”). The rest of the song is lyrical vomit about the most touristy London attractions she could think of. It is the definition of camp and I am obsessed with how brilliant she is for trolling this hard.
• ATW 10 MV: The original All Too Well was relatively vague, but Taylor all but confirmed it was “about” Jake G when she released the 10 minute version. With mentions of him being older, dating younger girls, and famously missing her birthday. We knew about the missed birthday because of the moment I knew. More on ATW later.
• Is It Over Now?: Taylor mentions the literal only two known incidents with her and Harry Styles in this song: the snowmobile accident and the “blue dress on a boat” fiasco. One would think there would be other things they did together that were worth mentioning if the relationship was real, but she chose to call out two media-covered stories. Curious.
• So High School: I feel like Gen Z twitter wrote down bullet points of what they assumed Travlor’s relationship was like and sent it to Taylor before she wrote this. This song is chock full of “public knowledge” about the couple and as a bonus, dripping with sarcasm (lol). She went the extra mile in this one by adding in things that the public doesn’t necessarily know, but that they could infer stereotypical Travvy would love: American Pie and GTA. Oh, and knowing how to "ball" and opening her car door. ("Isn't that sweet?") Plus, the “Marry, kiss or kill me?” line and corresponding interview that went viral is so on the nose that it’s impossible she’s serious about this track.
• The Alchemy: I don’t have the energy to list all of the stupid football references in this song.
• thanK you aIMee: On the fence on who this is even about, but I know it’s not Kim Kardashian. Taylor doesn’t have the energy to write a song about Kim, but she’s fine with Kim getting the credit for being the muse. (Queen behavior IMO)

You could argue that more songs on TTPD fit this category, for sure. Maybe Midnights, too. (If you can think of any others please leave them in the comments!)

How Does This Tie In With “The Man You Script?”

So much of TTPD, in my Gaylor opinion, is designed to set the foundation for Taylor to take part in revisionist history, start to call out her fans/weed out her homophobic fans, and be more “real” in general. TTPD is a departure (!! department) from anything we’ve ever heard from Taylor in a lot of ways. To me, it is the least Taylor Swift™ album we’ve ever heard from her. (Folklore and evermore are exceptions to this, but up until TTPD, the Swifties thought they were fictional.)
As the Manuscript goes:

Now and then she rereads the man you script Of the entire torrid affair They compared their licenses He said, "I'm not a donor but I'd give you my heart if you needed it" She rolled her eyes and said "You're a professional" He said, "No, just a good samaritan" He said that if the sex was half as good as the conversation was Soon they'd be pushin' strollers But soon it was over

Starting with “They compared their licenses," it reads like a movie script. It is also kinda jolting: they’re joking about their drivers’ licenses with this rom-com esque dialogue, and then all of a sudden it’s onto sex and strollers. And then it just ends. Does this not sound like the absurd and parasocial Swiftie narrative? A storybook beginning, 0-100 in 2 seconds (brand new, full throttle) and talk of babies. Then it goes down in flames. It’s an entertaining story (“are you not entertained?”), and sometimes Taylor looks back on it, on how all this began. I think it’s entirely possible Jake G was the first beard of Taylor’s, personally. And looking backwards is the only way to move forward. I think the first verse is about her first beard.

And the years passed Like scenes of a show The Professor said to write what you know Lookin' backwards Might be the only way to move forward Then the actors Were hitting their marks And the slow dance Was alight with the sparks And the tears fell In synchronicity with the score And at last She knew what the agony had been for

This verse references all the beards that followed. Taylor here validates my theory that her relationships are scripted. The professor (possibly her team?) says to write what YOU (the fan) knows. (The man YOU script; write what YOU know) They tell Taylor to write about the things the public thinks they know about her to protect her private life. Or at least disguise the muse as someone who fits in those parameters.
And, the fans loved it. It made her a gigantic, massive success. A superstar. It strengthened the parasocial relationships that contribute to her success. She was able to keep her private life private and put out stories that the fans crafted themselves (with some help from Tree).
But it isn’t her truth:

The only thing that's left is the man you script One last souvenir from my trip to your shores Now and then I reread the man you script But the story isn't mine anymore

She used to take fan theories and assumptions and own them as her story and truth. The story is not hers anymore, and she is giving it back to the fans because it was their narrative all along.
I think she is saying she isn’t going to do this anymore after TTPD; No more songs like the ones I mentioned to feed the narrative. (On TTPD, I think she trolled the concept) Exile is expiring.
Edit: misquoted lyrics from SHS as the alchemy

After listening to TTPD, I really wanted to put the songs in chronological order, and then I got a little carried away and added in other albums to fit the theme of her relationship with Joe to Matty. This is exhaustive, so pardon my indulgence, though I’m sure that there could be even more to add or edit! Keep in mind that these songs are also not in order of album release, but it’s my thoughts on chronology and how her music reflected the timeline. Some of the songs might’ve been written before they were released, as well.
So, here's my draft/attempt at a chronological playlist:

1. The Mastermind - this is the first song in the timeline to me. It gives the history of how she and Joe met, even if it’s a kind of hindsight view.
2. London Boy - Obviously about Joe, reads as a “first sight” kind of song – very superficial, describes Joe. Something cutesy that a high school girl would write about her crush.
3. Delicate - This song is her reflection on her current state of mind, kind of a warning to Joe or an admission to him of what state she’s in. She’s asking him to help her through it, but her heart is delicate, the situation is delicate.
4. Call it What you Want - This is the response to Delicate and how Joe accepted her and supported her through the whole Kanye/Kim fiasco and her perception of her reputation/state of being.
5. Don’t Blame Me - Girl was getting it Good from JA. References to JA being her "drug."
6. Dress - Hot/Heavy early stages of the relationship. Still getting it good. This is like the peak of their relationship…or as some could say…the climax? Sorry.
7. Lover - Sweet love song/ballad for JA. Feels more settled and ready to commit to something solid.
8. Paper Rings - Happy upbeat love song for JA, thinking marriage?
9. Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince - After the new glow of the relationship, she really starts showing some anxiety about their relationship. Seemed hot and heavy and all loved-up in the beginning. Was this song a warning?
10. Cornelia Street - The anxiety of the JA relationship, another connection to London as his metaphor.
11. The Great War - It’s been speculated that they were off/on more than we know. Seems it got a little tumultuous.
12. New Year’s Day - Always read to me as a “make up song.” Feels sad, and also expressing that no matter what happens, she wants to be there for him/vice versa.
13. Lavender Haze - This one always read to me as TS gaslighting herself into not wanting to be married, and forcing herself to stay in a Lavender Haze. She wanted the relationship to be more than it was; she was living in a daydream or haze. A little drug reference here, I think, too -- she has drugged herself or wanted to be in that haze.
14. Tolerate It - I think this song expresses how she felt about her life being this big glamorous famous thing, and Joe wrote it all off or dismissed it.
15. Cardigan - She writes in TTPD about kind of feeling discarded or dismissed. I think Cardigan reflects that, too.
16. You’re Losing Me - Written as a warning toward the end of the relationship.
17. Guilty as Sin - Mentally moving on, grasping onto someone else or the fantasy of it as her relationship dies. She’s built up Matty as a thing that could save her – she’s moving on mentally and ready to jump, but only because she thinks there’s someone waiting for her to do so.
18. Say Don’t Go - Relationship is dying, giving it one last shot.
19. The 1 - Sad regrets at the end.
20. So Long London - Saying goodbye officially to “London,” lots of repeated places from London Boy and Cornelia Street.
21. The Black Dog - Mourning the end of the relationship, watching him move on.
22. Bejeweled - We saw her kind of swing into super fun happy “going to live it up” after being closed off – this was her revisiting her life without JA holding her back.
23. Fresh Out the Slammer - Running to the guy she fantasized about in “Guilty as Sin?”
24. The Tortured Poet’s Department - Her relationship with Matty.
25. But Daddy I Love Him - Reaction to fans and naysayers about her relationship – she was all in.
26. I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) - the “maybe I can’t” at the end is her realizing that he isn’t living up to her fantasy of him.
27. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys / The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived / Fortnight- These talk about the end of that relationship and how she felt discarded after the whirlwind of her tryst with Matty. Fortnight alludes to a move-on drug.
28. Down Bad - What happened after he left and her experience of being love-bombed.
29. Loml - I think this is her finally coming to terms with her real “should’ve been” JA relationship, and she’s also mourning the loss of Matty and the fantasy she built around him.
30. Smallest man Who Ever Lived / Imgonnagetyouback - Dichotomy of how she felt about Matty after their relationship.
31. How Did It End? - Her expressing a lot of anxiety about how people view her relationship. After something ends, it’s easy to feel embarrassed or ashamed that other people are just going to view you as a failure.
32. Florida!!! - Daydreaming about escaping and running away from your problems / people's judement -- waiting out the "sh!tstorm," letting your past die in the swamp, move on and become someone new. Looking to use "florida" as a drug to move on / get over it / bandaid.
33. I Can Do it With a Broken Heart - Still had to perform amidst all of this!
34. The Alchemy - Accepting her experience (maybe even becoming that someone new from "Florida!!!"). I think this song is more about her performing and a loveletter to her fans – she’s back, baby. Maybe there are some Travis references in there, but I think this is her reclaiming herself and picking up the pieces. This time, her drug is being the "heroine."

I was reading today that no proof American First Lady Jill Biden ever obtained an annulment of her first marriage before marrying Joe and therefore wouldn’t that make it invalid and bigamous? Is no one ever going to call that out
I was talking to the older Catholics and many said back then annulments where much harder to get and it’s unlikely between her divorce in 1975 and remarriage in 1977 she could get one so fast. They say today almost everyone who asked gets an annulment because the church don’t want to offend anyone and they give them away like candy but those days you actually had to show proof of invalidity. But that’s another subject I’m just asking directly are they truly married in the churches eye and if not why is he allowed the holy Eucharist?
I don’t ask this with any political agenda behind it. I’m just curious

7 year age gap in the 16th book? Joe is married and has kids now?

It is well known that prophet Muhammad married Aisha when she was only 6 and had sex with her when she was merely 9.
The Prophet [ﷺ] married Aisha when she was six years old and he consummated his marriage when she was nine years old.” - The revered Sahih al-Bukhari, 5134; Book 67, Hadith 70
When being questioned about this, I see some people saying “how old is Rebecca?” as an attempt to make prophet Muhammad look better. According to Gen 25:20, Issac was 40 when he married Rebecca. There is a lot of debate on how old Rebecca actually was, as it was stated she could carry multiple water jugs which should be physically impossible for a 3 year old. (Genesis 24:15-20) some sources say Rebecca was actually 14, and some say her age was never stated in the bible.
Anyhow, let’s assume that Rebecca was indeed 3 years old when she was married to Issac. That is indeed child marriage and the huge age gap is undoubtedly problematic. Prophet Muhammad’s marriage with Aisha is also a case of child marriage. Just because someone is worst than you does not make the situation justifiable.
Prophet Muhammad should be the role model of humanity and him marrying and having sex with a child is unacceptable. Just because Issac from the bible did something worse does not mean Muhammad’s doing is okay. He still married a child.