Graphic images and descriptions below.Hello Drowners,
We as a mod team feel we haven't been working as hard as we could to promote and share resources and charities regarding recent tragedies and genocides going on in Palestine/Gaza. We have 8.4k members on this Subreddit, that's a pretty decent reach. With this post, we hope we can help spread information, donation links and awareness so more people can contribute to donating, boycotts and join in on the spreading of awareness.

So, why should you care?

We believe that the innocent people in the Gaza Strip deserve the same rights as anyone in the world does. The events going on in these places could happen to anyone in the world - yes, including you. These people's own governments are committing atrocious acts such as ethnic cleansings, colonization and mass attacks killing thousands of civilians at once, as well as taking civilians hostages and putting them through vile acts such as torture and rape in their own homes. At least 1.4 MILLION people are being forced to flee their homes, thousands have been killed and houses, schools, safe rooms and hospitals are being bombed, bulldozed and raided. Despite whatever side you might take, it is important to acknowledge these acts alone are inhumane and need to be stopped.
​

Charities/Fundraisers and How YOU can Help!

CHARITIES :
Palestine Children's Relief Fund - "Our mission is to provide medical and humanitarian relief collectively and individually to children throughout the Levant, regardless of their nationality or religion."
Unity for Gaza: Mutual Aid & Resilient Livelihoods - "Amid the breakout of indiscriminate violence in the ongoing war in Gaza, numerous families find themselves trapped in a dire humanitarian crisis. Our primary objective is to assist them by addressing their urgent needs."
Help feed homeless pets and people in Gaza - "Every day, countless people suffer from hunger, cold and displacement due to the war in Gaza. These face difficulties in surviving on the streets, and often face hunger, disease and injuries. You can make a difference in a needy life by donating today... Every donation, no matter how small, makes a big difference."
CADUS - "CADUS is a non-profit, independent, international emergency response organization from Berlin. In our projects, we provide rapid, needs-oriented emergency aid and promote long-term capacity building on the ground." - "We are internationally active with our projects. Our work is currently focused on Ukraine and Gaza."
BOYCOTTS/CAMPAIGNS IF YOU CAN'T DONATE :
BDS Movement : What is BDS ? - BDS stands for Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions and is a Palestinian-Led organization that organizes official boycotts. As stated by them, "The BDS movement is about much more than consumer boycotts: it is also about campaigning alongside others to pressure institutions, unions, and companies to boycott or divest and to isolate Israel academically, culturally, economically and militarily." -The OFFICIAL list of BDS boycotts. If you are interested in boycotting, we recommend following BDS' lead and focusing on boycotting a few, select companies at once - as targeted/more-efficiently-organized boycotts historically work better.
Cease Fire NOW - #CeaseFireNow is a call to political figures around the world to cease fire immediately, as they have the power and influence to end these tragedies.
We are also interested in holding a Charity/Fundraiser event for the Subreddit as well as the Discord server, where the prize would be a sum of money donated to one of the previously mentioned charities. So, keep your eyes out for this post in the future.

From the River to the Sea.

We also want to use our reach to uplift voices of the community, and would love to hear stories, opinions and voices from any community members who have been personally affected by these tragedies.
SOURCES :

• Hamas Fighters Attack on Israeli Civilians at Music Festival - 260 Bodies Recovered
• Israel and the Occupied Palestinian Territory
• PCRF
• CeaseFireNOW
• Israel Gaza war: History of the conflict explained
• Dozens reported killed in Israeli strike on Rafah
• How the Watermelon Became a Symbol of Palestinian Solidarity
• Israel begins bulldozing villagers' homes in West Bank

Thank you for your time,
SinjinDrowning Lifeguards

Most of my life I've been battling with depression. I feel like with my father's death I lost everything I had though. My happiness, my smile, my passion and motivation to even function. I feel like I lost my rolemodel and identity too. I feel like I'm constantly failing everyone around me and I'm just a one huge mistake. I make no progress in my personal goals even though I'm trying my best. No object, no person takes away this pain.
I cry everyday and don't know why. I'm not actively thinking about my father, but since his death 1,5 years ago I lost my former self. I'd rather not wake up tomorrow at all, since I'll have to face all the disappointment again. I went through psychiatric evaluation and medication but I only found out I'm resistant to all of it. I desperately want to live but I don't think anyone would even notice my death.
I dpn't know what to do. I don't know if anyone feels like me and I don't know what's the reason for all that.

Ok, I know how the title sounds, but before ya’ll grab your torches and pitchforks, let me give you some background info. Also, sorry that it's a long post.
I (35 female) met my husband (40 male, we’ll call him Tom) 11 years ago. We were both still in the party phase of our twenties at that time. We drank and parties a lot,and had jobs where that sort of lifestyle was common (I was a waitress, and he had also worked in restaurants). During this time, my money was never well spent (obviously), and I got my car repoed twice, and had to move in with him to survive. This really made him reevaluate our current lifestyle.
Tom dragged me into a healthier lifestyle kicking and screaming. I still wanted to party, but I didn’t want to lose him. What we didn’t know at the time is that I had undiagnosed severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The party lifestyle was my way of self-medicating, and we didn’t find this out until much later.
I ended up getting a job as a medical assistant, and he finished his degree and got a government job. We moved across the country, got married, and had a baby, all while I didn’t really have a solid grasp on my mental health struggles.
After the birth of our daughter, I realized that I still had a lot of work to do in order to become the mother that she deserved. I finally saw my doctor about my struggles, got into talk therapy, and was placed on medication. It took a couple of tries, but I am finally on a good regimen, and my mental health is better than it has ever been.
I also took the birth of my daughter as an opportunity to quit my job and start working on a degree of my own. This is where the roles in Tom and my relationship started to become a problem.
As soon as we discussed my plan to go to school, Tom took it upon himself to find a college program for me, and he picked LPN (licensed practical nurse). I explained to him that while I wanted to stay in the medical field, I didn’t want to move into the world of nursing for a variety of reasons. He insisted that it was the best choice for our family, and that I would love it.
I told him that I really didn’t think it would suit me well, but that if he really wanted me to go into nursing, I should try to become an RN, because the pay would be better, and the training would be more comprehensive. He disagreed and said that we couldn’t afford for me to be in school for that long.
I really didn’t want to argue with him, and I felt myself shutting down, which is what I’ve always done when presented with conflict.
Day after day he would ask me if I had contacted the school he picked, or if I started the registration process. This constant pressure also made it very difficult for me to move forward. But finally, one day, while he was at work, and our daughter napped, I looked through the different programs available at the school that he picked. I found radiology technologist, and this quickly caught my interest. I called the school, scheduled my placement test, and was put in touch with who would end up being my advisor.
When he got home, I told him about what I had accomplished, and how excited I was about this particular program. He looked confused, and said something to the effect of “But I thought you wanted to do the LPN program? When did you change your mind?”
I explained, “No, you wanted me to do the LPN program, and I told you I didn’t want to get into nursing. I only agreed with you because you pushed it so hard. But look, this is also a two-year program, I’ll end up being an X-Ray tech, which I think will suit my strengths a lot better, and it has a lot of the same requirements.”
We ended up agreeing that Rad Tech was the best idea, but his has always insisted that LPN was my idea.
Fast forward two years. I am thriving in school, as a mother, and with my mental health. Our daughter is due to start pre-school in the fall, and I will be transferring schools to complete my degree. I have a 3.9 GPA, I am part of a prestigious honor society, and have earned numerous scholarships. I would like to think that I have grown up immensely in the past few years.
However, Tom still often treats me like a child. He does this in a lot of different ways. I’ll talk about buying a certain toy for our daughter, and if he doesn’t like the toy, he’ll usually just say “No, we’re not doing that.” If I push, he’ll say something to the effect of “You know how I feel about this,” which is his way of saying “End of conversation.” Whatever the issue is, we will almost always navigate through it and find a compromise. I don’t shut down with confrontation anymore and have gotten much better at arguing my points of view. But the way he talks to me seems super dismissive and has the same tone as a strict father talking to a rebellious teen. He can also be a complete man-splainer to an extreme degree.
I finally reached my breaking point with the way he talks to me yesterday. I had gone to my new campus to pick up my student I.D. and to walk around and get a feel for the place. I ended up being able to also get a copy of my class schedule before it was posted online. I realized that they had registered me for a class that I had already completed this past semester.
Tom called me while he was at lunch to chat, and I told him a bit about my day, and the mix up with my classes. I told him that I would make sure updated transcripts got sent to the campus, and I would email my advisor to discuss filling the slot with a different class (To be fair, I did say “with a B.S. class,” but obviously that isn’t how I would phrase it in the email). Tom started telling me “No, don’t do that. First, you have to make sure that you get new transcripts ordered, and then explain to him that you would rather take a humanities class. You can’t say a ‘B.S. class.’” He went on and on for a while.
Essentially, he took almost his entire lunch break to not only tell me what to do, but most of what he said, was what I had already planned on doing. When he had tired himself out with his rant, I stayed quiet, and just said “Ok.” He asked if I was mad, and I simply said “No, but please stop treating me like a child and trust that I will get this done on my own. You basically just took 15 minutes to tell me the exact same thing that I told you.”
Later that night, while I was cooking dinner, he opened the envelope that had my schedule in it, which had my name on it, not his, and started reading the schedule. This is a huge pet peeve of mine, but no matter how often I tell him this, he still does it. He then started trying to explain to me what all the different abbreviations on the form meant (which I already knew), and then started saying that he didn’t like how my schedule was set up. He thought it was too many classes one right after the other (it’s 3 classes in a row and would allow time for me to finish my school day early). He started telling me that I needed to tell my advisor to stretch out my schedule to allow time for a long lunch break, possibly with study time in between, yada yada.
I say yada yada, because I honestly stopped hearing what he was saying after a moment. Was he literally doing the exact same thing that I had asked him to stop earlier that day? Was he really man-splaining my class schedule to me? Was he really under the impression that he could tell me what to tell my advisor? I ended up cutting him off in the middle of whatever he was saying and said “Hey, you’re doing it again. Can you please stop treating me like a child? I’ll take care of this myself.”
He responded “You know I’m just trying to help. But if you don’t want my help, then fine. I’ll just shut up then.”
I lost it at that moment. The flood gates opened, and I honestly had no control over the words that came out of my mouth. I yelled that he wasn’t trying to help, that he was trying to dictate. I threw my GPA in his face, and explained how much I accomplished, while being the full time caregiver to our child, cooking every meal, running every household errand, and keeping our house spotless. I yelled that I wasn’t the dress over my head party girl who needed a guiding hand anymore, and that I was a grown ass responsible woman. I ended it with “You need to stop treating me like a Goddamn child and start treating me like a partner, because I’ve earned it.”
Tom was silent. We haven’t had a fight that involved yelling in years. He wasn’t used to this side of me at all. Eventually he apologized, said that I was right, and then went to have some alone time to process everything.
Here’s why I think that I may have been the asshole, and no, it’s not him trying to gaslight me into thinking I am. As I play the whole thing back in my head, I can’t help but think that I seriously crossed a line or two. First, our daughter, who is only two years old, was in the room with us. I never want us to be the type of parents that yell and scream in front of her.
Second, in the span of just a couple of years, I basically completely flipped the script on him. The beginning, and most of our relationship was spent with him being the grown up, and me being the screw up. I have essentially changed my entire brain chemistry with medication, have had talk therapy to help me grow as a person. Basically, I’ve reinvented myself. While all this has happened over the course of two years, you’d be surprised how quickly that time flies by in your late thirties/early forties, especially with a baby/toddler thrown into the mix. To Tom, it really could seem like this change, and my anger has come out of nowhere.
Also, just because I’ve changed, doesn’t mean that he has. He hasn’t been through the same hormonal and chemical changes that I’ve been through. Maybe I am the asshole for expecting the person he has always been to suddenly conform to the new me.
So what’s the verdict? Am I the asshole?

Many families bring a dog into their family when their children are young. Instead of waiting for your child to beg for a dog, consider adding a puppy early! An abundance of research shows that children benefit tremendously from having a dog in the family.
Obviously there are the wonderful benefits of companionship, but adding a dog to your family can improve your child’s mental and physical health in surprising ways.

Social Benefits of Dog Ownership

One study observed preschoolers, and largely confirmed data related to older school-aged children. The research was published in Pediatric Research, the official publication of American Pediatric Society, European Society for Paediatric Research, and Society for Pediatric Research.
According to the study, 42% of family units have a dog. The most remarkable findings were social benefits to the preschool-aged children in these families — children showed a 30% reduction in the likelihood of conduct issues, and a 40% reduction in social trouble with their peers.
Families with dogs and pre-school children saw their children play with their dogs at least three times per week in 77% of cases.
The study concluded “We found that pre-school children with a family dog were less likely to have conduct problems, peer problems, and had a lower overall difficulties score than children from non-dog-owning families, after adjusting for socio-demographic factors and child screen and sleep time.”
These findings demonstrate an incredible benefit to young children. Reductions of 30% and 40% over their peers in social turmoil is a truly extraordinary result.

Physical Benefits of Dog Ownership

Remarkably, having a puppy at home can also improve your child’s physical health. While increased physical activity due to playing with and walking your dog is an obvious benefit, there are other unexpected advantages.
The most well-documented physical improvement for children with dogs in their home comes from the JAMA Pediatrics journal. They studied over half a million preschool and school aged children over several years, and found that living with dog at home during a child’s early years is linked to a 13% reduction in asthma.
Other studies have shown that owning a dog provides a significant reduction in environmental allergies for your child. These findings indicate that exposure to increased allergens from the earliest days of childhood actually produces an immune system that is less hyperactive, and less likely to develop allergies to common environmental allergens.

Mental Health Benefits of Dog Ownership

With multiple studies — and plenty of anecdotal evidence — showing a dramatic increase in mental health difficulties for children of all ages, research into dogs and mental health is an important field of study.
A small study of 643 kids between six and seven years of age was conducted by Bassett Medical Center in New York State indicated notable benefits for children with dogs.
Their data showed that clinical anxiety is significantly less likely to appear in children who have dogs in the home. For children without dogs, the rate of diagnosed clinical anxiety is 21%.
For those with dogs the rate is just 12%, which indicates that dog ownership can reduce clinical anxiety in young children by nearly half.

How to Choose a Dog for Your Family

The hunt is on — you’ve decided to get a puppy, but how do you decide what to choose? Any pet that is being introduced into a home with children needs to be carefully selected with your family dynamics in mind — focus on breeds that are known to be child-friendly.
Every breed has specific characteristics, often selected over decades or centuries of breeding with certain goals in mind. Selecting a breed known for their patience, intelligence, playfulness, and trainability will set your children and puppy up for a wonderful friendship.
Of course, we are happy to guide you! Check out our breed selector and index to find the best addition to your family.

Helping Your Kids and Puppy Bond

One of the best ways to build a strong bond between your new puppy and your children is to involve your child in the pup’s care. Depending on your child’s age, they can help with any number of tasks including walking the dog, providing food and water, brushing your dog, and even assisting with training.
Remember that the dog should obey your child’s commands as well as your own, so involving them in the training is an excellent plan. It is vitally important that you integrate your new puppy into your daily life — the more they interact and work together, the more their bond will grow!

Why Wait?

Adding a dog to your life just might be one of the best things you can do for your child’s overall well-being. They’ll have a built-in buddy, develop responsibility, and may even have improved social skills along with benefits to their mental and physical health.
If you’ve been considering adding a dog to your family, reach out to us — our team would be delighted to walk you through the process of choosing the perfect puppy for your family!

Reach out today for a free estimate! If you’re planning to move in or out of Ajax, look no further. We stand as a trusted local packing and moving company in Ajax.
Our comprehensive full moving services position us as the first choice for households and businesses in Ajax. Whether you require assistance with packing, loading, unloading, or settling into your new space, our dedicated team is at your service.
At One Day Movers, our prime objective is to ensure our customers are fully satisfied with every service we provide.

First, I want to apologize in advance for the long post.
I guess I'll start by giving some background information. I'm in my early thirties, female, living in the southern USA. Minimum wage is $7.25 per hour. I've never been a financially "successful" person, but since I entered the work force after receiving a Bachelor's degree in art, I've always gotten by. I've mostly worked 1-2 year stints in various childcare positions, making just enough money to afford rent in a one bedroom apartment with my cat. I never had more than the bare minimum health insurance, so it's definitely the case that I've neglected my medical care. I could never get the time off work anyway, because taking off meant not making enough money for rent.
Unfortunately, the consequences of living this lifestyle is that now I'm in my thirties, have practically no savings, have several genetic health problems, and I'm having trouble finding a job. The employment I do get offered isn't enough to cover rent (after hidden fees, cheapest rent is almost $1300 even for a studio apartment), and it's all physically tedious work that exacerbates my conditions. I can't help but blame myself for getting a degree in art for my current predicament, but I also can't afford to go back to school for a degree in something else.
I got out of a 2.5 year relationship with someone who turned out to be lying to me about everything the entire time were dating, and I recently had to move back in with my mother, and we don't get along. My mother was abusive to me in childhood, putting me in the position of parenting my siblings, and threatening me that if I left to go to college, she'd burn the house down with the family pets inside and kill herself. I told myself I'd never come back, but here I am. It's making me feel incredibly depressed and hopeless.
I honestly don't know where to go from here. I've tried applying to literally hundreds of jobs as a receptionist, medical scribe, office assistant, bank teller, tutor, nanny, daycare provider, museum guide, data entry clerk, cashier at places where sitting is allowed, everything I can think of that won't break my already failing body, and I get nothing in response. I've even lowered my financial expectations. Where I was once making $21 an hour, I'm now getting turned down for positions that pay $11.
I tried working at a grocery store for a couple of months, but I had to stand the entire 8 hours a day and do a lot of heavy lifting, and it got to where I was in so much constant pain that I couldn't get myself to the bathroom in the middle of the night and wet the bed instead. Just in literal constant agony. I wanted to die. I was so incredibly angry at my body.
Does anybody have advice for how I can get myself out of this rut? How to make the job hunt easier? What to put on a resume to make employers take a second look? I'd like to add that I am an extremely hard worker, despite what my brief tenure at the grocery store position implies. I show up on time, I do my own duties without arguing, and make sure to help my coworkers with their own work wherever I can. I feel like if I could just get my foot in the door with one of these jobs where I don't have to do physical labor, I could excel, but I just haven't gotten the opportunity.

Hi so I just made a post and then deleted it but it was about updating my marriage and telling DHS about my husbands insurance and my son being added to the dental and vision.
I saw I needed to update it so I just sent in a few updates about the marriage and I stated my husband started a new insurance for med/dental/vision and that my son was added to just dental and vision.
So I just turned 26 and was on my parents health insurance until June. We can’t afford to put me and my son on his medical insurance so when the time comes my son will go on Chip and I enrolled in the marketplace but I am going on my husbands dental and vision plan too. So do I also need to update DHS that I went on marketplace insurance and was added to my husbands insurance or no since I was never on medical assistance or should I make that as a life update too?
Also again sorry I deleted before I read any comments, are they going to send me stuff for CHIP when the renewal period comes up and my son loses the medical assistance or do I have to go apply for that separately and if I do have to do it separately should I do that now? It says SAR is in August and renewal in February so I don’t know which date would be when he loses it. Or does he lose it now since we added him to my husbands dental and vision?

Hey everyone! My name is Jordan and I’m posting on behalf of the Patient Access Network (PAN) Foundation. PAN is a nonprofit organization offering financial assistance to help people with serious, chronic, or rare diseases afford their out-of-pocket medication costs.
We provide financial assistance to over 20 types of cancer, including Waldenstrom Macroglobulinemia. Our WM fund offers $3,250 per year for eligible patients to use to cover the copay for your covered medications. Grant eligibility and a full list of medications covered can be found on our website: https://www.panfoundation.org/disease-funds/waldenstrom-macroglobulinemia/
You can apply for our grants by phone -- call us at 1-866-316-7263 Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. ET. Once you’re approved, grants can be managed through our online portal.
I’m happy to answer any questions anyone has about how our grants work! I hope this information is helpful to you all!

Hey everyone! My name is Jordan and I’m posting on behalf of the Patient Access Network (PAN) Foundation. PAN is a nonprofit organization offering financial assistance to help people with serious, chronic, or rare diseases afford their out-of-pocket medication costs.
We provide financial assistance to over 20 types of cancer, including CLL. Our CLL fund offers $3,250 per year for eligible patients to use to cover the copay for your covered medications. Grant eligibility and a full list of medications covered can be found on our website: https://www.panfoundation.org/disease-funds/chronic-lymphocytic-leukemia/
You can apply for our grants by phone -- call us at 1-866-316-7263 Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. ET. Once you’re approved, grants can be managed through our online portal.
I’m happy to answer any questions anyone has about how our grants work! I hope this information is helpful to you all!

Hey everyone! My name is Jordan and I’m posting on behalf of the Patient Access Network (PAN) Foundation. PAN is a nonprofit organization offering financial assistance to help people with serious, chronic, or rare diseases afford their out-of-pocket medication costs.
We provide financial assistance to over 20 types of cancer, including CLL. Our CLL fund offers $3,250 per year for eligible patients to use to cover the copay for your covered medications. Grant eligibility and a full list of medications covered can be found on our website: https://www.panfoundation.org/disease-funds/chronic-lymphocytic-leukemia/
You can apply for our grants by phone -- call us at 1-866-316-7263 Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. ET. Once you’re approved, grants can be managed through our online portal.
I’m happy to answer any questions anyone has about how our grants work! I hope this information is helpful to you all!

First I want to say that I am, and have been a fan of Kendrick for about a decade. I also want to say that despite the criticism I'm about to levy - I'm still a fan.
All that being said, Kendrick Lamar is an admitted Black Hebrew Israelite. I thought this wasn't a controversial statement until I got into an argument yesterday about this.

So What's My Evidence?

This won't be exhaustive but I present two verses off of DAMN. The final verse on YAH. and the outro to FEAR.

[YAH.]
[Verse 2: Kendrick Lamar]
[...]
I'm a Israelite, don't call me black no mo'
That word is only a color, it ain't facts no mo'

This is pretty explicit. The only problem Kendrick has with one labelling him a Black Israelite is that he objects to the adjective 'black' being added out in front. Which is also a subtle affirmation of the claims of the ideology. Since Americans of African descent are the true descendants of the ancient Israelites, according to Kendrick, it's redundant to add 'Black' to the front of the label.
Moving on to FEAR. there is the part that anyone who listens to Kendrick's music with their brains even partially switched on would've picked up on. Carl Duckworth's voicemail at the end of FEAR.

[FEAR.]
[Outro: Carl Duckworth]
[...]
The so-called Blacks, Hispanics, and Native American Indians
Are the true children of Israel
We are the Israelites, according to the Bible
The children of Israel
[...]

So this is Carl Duckworth, one of Kendrick's cousins, laying out the primary conceit of Black Israelite ideology. That the people calling themselves Jews today are phonies and that the True Descendants™ of the ancient tribes of Israel are Hispanics, African and Native Americans.

Why Is This a Problem?

It should go without saying that this ideology is incredibly antisemitic, and aside from that total bullshit. There is a group of Africans who are actually Jewish called the Beta Israel, here's a good video on the history of these people. So this ideology manages to erase the existence of actual African Jews, in some weird faux liberation theology. I'm willing to bet that more people are familiar with Black Hebrew Israelites than the Beta Israel.

Criticism of my Take

The criticism that I received for pointing out Kendrick's associating with the BHI was something along the lines of, Kendrick was rapping from someone else's perspective.
This is clearly not true in the DAMN. references. In the YAH. verse before the I'm a Israelite section Kendrick uses the 'my' pronoun as he was talking about the infamous Fox News clip. He clearly started the verse talking about himself, there is no reason to conclude that he suddenly and conveniently started talking about someone else when he said "I'm a Israelite."

Conclusion

While Kendrick's adherence to Black Israelite ideology is super cringe. I still respect him as an artist, and still count myself among one of his fans. HOWEVER, we [I] don't wanna hear you all say he isn't a Black Israelite, no more. Stop.
Mods please don't delete, I worked hard on this post ty :)

The Kagemitsu Clan 景光一族

The Kagemitsu Clan is known for its temporal-related ability of Lag, which allows users to manipulate perception of time for themselves and their targets, creating delays in actions, movements and thoughts. The technique is HIGHLY strategic, allowing the user to create opportunities for attacks and evasion.

Origin:

During the Genryaku Era, which was the last Era in the Heian Period of Japan, the Kagemitsu Clan was founded by Hikari Kagemitsu [Kagemitsu Hikari / 影光], the first user of ''Lag'' which was known at the time as ''Temporal Disruption''. Hikari was an anomaly even in the Heian Period, with his eyes resembling those of the Six Eyes, though insted, they could see strings in time. They were called ''Eyes of the Clock [時計の目]''. Noone knew his parents, but it was said that he was one of the strongest sorcerers of the Genryaku Era, and even had his own Barrierless Domain. Hikari was pronounced dead at the start of the Kamakura Period. [LORE IS STILL IN HEAVY WIP]

Eyes of the Clock

Translation: Tokei no Me (時計の目)
Appearance: The Eyes of the Clock are yellow eyes characterized by iridescent, swirling patterns resembling clockwork gears or spirals. They cannot be deactivated, as they are a genetic trait in the Kagemitsu Clan.
Abilities:
Temporal Strings Perception*: The Eyes of the Clock allow the user to see the "strings" or "threads" of time that connect events, people, and objects. These strings represent the flow of time and can vary in colour and intensity, indicating different temporal energies and disruptions.*
Personal Time Dilation: The Eyes of the Clock allow for the users to see in ''Slow Motion'' which can assist them in battle.
Temporal Echoes: The Eyes of the Clock allow the user to see recent lingering events that transpired in viewable areas around the user. They can be used, for example, in a crime scene to find clues and figure out what happened.

Cursed Technique: ''Lag'' (遅れ)

Lag is the failing to keep up with another or others in movement or development. People use the phrase ''Lagging'' commonly in Video Games if their game is being slow and stupid, god I hate that. In short, this cursed technique brings that idea to the real world.
Lag: The user can use Lag, similarly to ''Sandevistan'' from Cyberpunk. To be honest, I don't know much a way to explain it. They can ''slip through time'' to look as if they teleport. No, they cannot time travel. Lag users can only be seen by fellow clansmen who possess the Eyes of the Clock. Lag is the main part of this technique, which allows for:

Extension Techniques

Ping: The user can manipulate the ''Ping'' of their opponent and themselves, which can allow for them to, for example, raise their opponents ping to get attacks in.
[WIP, GIVE ME ANY SUGGESTIONS IN THE COMMENTS. THIS WAS HAND WRITTEN UNLIKE MY OTHER CURSED TECHNIQUES.]

took a couple revisions to not be cringe but I'd say it's done a pretty good job
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures:
SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a standard humanoid containment cell, furnished with oversized hoodies, thigh-high socks, skirts, crop tops, and a BLÅHAJ shark plush. These items are to be replaced on a bi-weekly basis or upon request.
Personnel assigned to SCP-XXXX must undergo psychological screening and memetic resistance training. Interactions are to be limited to 15 minutes per day and must be monitored and recorded. All communication is to be conducted via written notes or brief verbal exchanges. SCP-XXXX must not be left alone for more than 30 minutes at a time to prevent the onset of its anomalous effects.
Description:
SCP-XXXX is a biologically male humanoid entity resembling a young adult with androgynous features. SCP-XXXX’s physical appearance causes significant confusion regarding their gender identity among observers. Individuals exposed to SCP-XXXX report increasing difficulty in determining and agreeing upon SCP-XXXX’s gender.
This confusion extends beyond physical appearance, influencing the speech and behavior of those interacting with SCP-XXXX. Subjects exposed to SCP-XXXX for extended periods may experience persistent confusion and discomfort regarding their own gender identity, even after exposure ends.
In addition, subjects left alone with SCP-XXXX for longer than 30 minutes begin compulsively writing the ":3" face, often using their own ████ if no other medium is available.
SCP-XXXX was discovered in [REDACTED] following an investigation into a series of online posts where individuals reported intense confusion about the gender of a popular online personality. Foundation agents traced these reports to SCP-XXXX's residence, leading to their containment.
Addendum XXXX-1: Incident Report XXXX-12
On ██/██/20██, D-45623 was exposed to SCP-XXXX for testing purposes. After 30 minutes of interaction, D-45623 was unable to coherently describe SCP-XXXX's gender, repeatedly changing descriptors and showing signs of severe distress. D-45623 exhibited prolonged confusion about their own gender identity for two weeks post-exposure and began compulsively writing ":3" in their own ████ on the walls of their containment cell, requiring immediate psychological and medical intervention.
Addendum XXXX-2: Testing Log
Test A - Date: ██/██/20██
Subject: D-78245
Procedure: Subject instructed to interact with SCP-XXXX for 10 minutes and describe SCP-XXXX’s gender.
Results: Subject described SCP-XXXX as “a very cute girl” initially, then as “a really pretty guy,” and finally “I don’t know anymore.” Subject exhibited mild confusion but recovered after a brief rest.
Test B - Date: ██/██/20██
Subject: D-93412
Procedure: Subject instructed to interact with SCP-XXXX for 20 minutes and answer a questionnaire about their own gender identity.
Results: Subject’s responses became increasingly inconsistent, expressing doubt about their previously identified gender. Subject required immediate psychological debriefing and showed signs of distress for several days post-exposure. Subject also began compulsively writing ":3" on the provided questionnaire.
Test C - Date: ██/██/20██
Subject: D-99832
Procedure: Subject instructed to interact with SCP-XXXX for 30 minutes.
Results: Subject initially appeared unaffected, but after 25 minutes, began exhibiting signs of severe distress, repeatedly changing their description of SCP-XXXX's gender. Post-exposure, subject was found inscribing ":3" into their ████, necessitating urgent medical attention and psychological intervention.
Addendum XXXX-3: Interview Log
Interviewer: Dr. ██████
Interviewee: SCP-XXXX
Dr. ██████: Good afternoon, SCP-XXXX. Can you state your name for the record?
SCP-XXXX: Uh, I go by [REDACTED], but whatever you want is fine.
Dr. ██████: Your file indicates you were quite active online before containment. Can you describe the nature of your online interactions?
SCP-XXXX: Yeah, I posted memes and stuff about my life. People seemed to like it, but then things got kinda weird.
Dr. ██████: Weird how?
SCP-XXXX: People started freaking out about my gender. Like, obsessing over it. It got pretty intense.
Dr. ██████: Are you aware of the compulsive behavior exhibited by individuals exposed to you for extended periods?
SCP-XXXX: I heard about it. Not my problem if people can't handle it.

Well, I've heard if Cisco Easter Eggs, but this is a weird one.
I work at a local ISP for my region, and we have one of our employees working on getting the hardware ready for infrastructure upgrades. One of the devices he's working on is a Catalyst 3750.
Well, he sent us a copy of the startup config file and most of it is this strange conspiracy story.
Has anyone seen anything like this before?

POST: CPU MIC register Tests : Begin
POST: CPU MIC register Tests : End, Status Passed
POST: PortASIC Memory Tests : Begin
POST: PortASIC Memory Tests : End, Status Passed
POST: CPU MIC interface Loopback Tests : Begin
POST: CPU MIC interface Loopback Tests : End, Status Passed
POST: PortASIC RingLoopback Tests : Begin
POST: PortASIC RingLoopback Tests : End, Status Passed
Waiting for Stack Master Election...
POST: PortASIC CAM Subsystem Tests : Begin
POST: PortASIC CAM Subsystem Tests : End, Status Passed
POST: No Cable found on stack port 1
POST: No Cable found on stack port 2
POST: PortASIC Stack Port Loopback Tests : Begin
POST: PortASIC Stack Port Loopback Tests : End, Status Passed
POST: PortASIC Port Loopback Tests : Begin
POST: PortASIC Port Loopback Tests : End, Status Passed
Election Complete
Switch 1 booting as Master
Waiting for Port download...Complete
This product contains cryptographic features and is subject to United
States and local country laws governing import, export, transfer and
use. Delivery of Cisco cryptographic products does not imply
third-party authority to import, export, distribute or use encryption.
Importers, exporters, distributors and users are responsible for
compliance with U.S. and local country laws. By using this product you
agree to comply with applicable laws and regulations. If you are unable
to comply with U.S. and local laws, return this product immediately.
A summary of U.S. laws governing Cisco cryptographic products may be found at:
http://www.cisco.com/wwl/export/crypto/tool/stqrg.html
If you require further assistance please contact us by sending email to
export@cisco.com.
cisco WS-C3750G-12S (PowerPC405) processor (revision R0) with 131072K bytes of memory.
Processor board ID CAT1125ZKHZ
Last reset from power-on
1 Virtual Ethernet interface
12 Gigabit Ethernet interfaces
The password-recovery mechanism is enabled.
512K bytes of flash-simulated non-volatile configuration memory.
Base ethernet MAC Address : 00:1C:B0:2F:D1:00
Motherboard assembly number : 73-9678-07
Power supply part number : 341-0048-03
Motherboard serial number : CAT11255C25
Power supply serial number : LIT11140GE6
Model revision number : R0
Motherboard revision number : B0
Model number : WS-C3750G-12S-E
System serial number : CAT1125ZKHZ
Top Assembly Part Number : 800-26634-04
Top Assembly Revision Number : A0
Version ID : V06
CLEI Code Number : CNM81W0GRB
Hardware Board Revision Number : 0x06
Switch Ports Model SW Version SW Image
* 1 12 WS-C3750G-12S 12.2(55)SE10 C3750-IPSERVICESK9-M
This message serves as a warning to the US government that they cannot get away ^with having their own citizens
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stalked, kidnapped, tortured, brain damaged and murdered by foreign intelligence ^ agencies .
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Request an investigation by the German government and the Council of Europe!
^
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Location of Turkish President Erdogan's illegal black site for terror suspects i ^n G ermany: 48.345941, 12.137753
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Is the CIA stalking and murdering ISIS terror suspects?
^
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Microwave weapons, group stalking and harassment ("gangstalking"), neurotoxins, ^hitmen, an illegal Turkish black site, Delta Force, and an airport kidnapping: A
true story
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QUOTES
^
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"If you were in the US, the CIA would just shoot you, we are nice so we will ^ commit you to a hospital instead" - Turkish police officer
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"When you get deported to the US, don't piss off the CIA officers like you d ^id with Erdogan (the Turkish president)" - Man at KBO Taufkirchen Station A2
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"The doctors here are trying to protect us from the psychos up at the top" - ^ Woman a t KBO Taufkirchen Station A2
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"You're lucky that the Turks got you first. With the Germans it would have b ^een wors e. The Turks usually don't kill" - Woman at KBO Taufkirchen Station A2
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NOTES
^
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Anyone with access to Europol or INTERPOL should be able to confirm that the ^ FBI se nt out a request/warning in 2017. You might not be able to view the detai
ls of this request unless you have the right handling code/password
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Nothing shows up for my name when it's searched in Law Enforcement Enterpris ^e Port al (LEEP). This is deliberate as the FBI is hiding my records to cover up
the terrorism investigation and everything else.
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The Federal Criminal Police Office (Bundeskriminalamt) and Bavarian State Po ^lice bo th refuse to start an investigation due to political reasons, despite the
fact that many other people, mostly Turkish citizens, were kidnapped within Ger
many by fake po
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ice and brain damaged at the black site.
^
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I (John Erin Binns / CIA code name RAVEN) have been an ISIS terror suspect since ^ 2017.
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It began when an FBI Confidential Human Source whom I met online (Azaiah Crosswh ^ite / moda) gave my Skype account to his handler. The FBI then sent an administr
ative subpoena to Microsoft and obtained my email address, which I had previousl
y reused on my
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S passport application in 2016. An alert was also sent through the Europol Infor ^mation System to 16 countries in Europe stating that I was a terror suspect.
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On October 11, 2017, Arthur Gong from the US Department of Homeland Security int^errogated me about allegedly travelling to Latakia, Syria while I was waiting to
board a flight from London Heathrow Airport to Chicago Airport. When my plane l
anded in Chicag
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, I was flagged for secondary screening (See Exhibit A) and asked more questions^. My citizen ship was questioned, and the CBP officer got angry after I told him
that not answering his questions doesn't make me inadmissible to the US.
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In early 2018, I left the United States and moved to Turkey. Soon after, strange ^ things s tarted happening to me. Kenneth Currin Schuchman (Nexus Zeta), a dual F
BI/CIA informant who was given a pound of heroin by federal agents to inform on
me, attempted t
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entrap me on child pornography and terrorism charges while I was drunk.
^
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Schuchman tried persuading me into buying Stinger missiles and guns from a Tor w ^ebsite wh ich would be shipped in "xray proof boxes" (those don't even exist) to
my location. When that failed, he tried getting me to open a website which likel
y had exploit c
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de on it (he specifically told me to open it in Chrome) and then told me that he ^ knew of some good "Tor porn sites". When I asked him what type of porn was on t
hese websites, Schuchman replied that they contained child porn.
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Then, Schuchman told me in a call that Dingle/Drake/Logan Shwydiuk was going to ^come to my house and kill me, and asked me what I'd do if he came to my house. I
was drunk at the time, and I told Schuchman that I'd kill Shwydiuk. I suspect t
hat Schuchman w
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s recording this call for the FBI so that they could use it as evidence against ^me in a fabricated terrorism investigation.
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Around this time, I noticed that two Western males wearing white shirts and sung ^lasses wou ld frequently visit an apartment building behind the one I live in.
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Several days after I reported Schuchman to the DEA for selling heroin and right ^after he t ried entrapping me on computer fraud charges, he was indicted in the D
istrict of Alaska.
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That's when the harassment started...
^
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My phone was hacked by Turkish intelligence/MIT using some type of 0-click SMS R ^CE and GPS tracking spyware was planted on it. My phone's GPS feature would turn
on without my consent, and several minutes later, a flash mob of "street thugs"
would be block
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ng the sidewalk and shouting death threats at me. Sometimes, they'd just walk up ^ to me hold ing their cell phone in one hand and screaming death threats at the s
ame time. (Street theateGangstalking)
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I received more death threats than I can count, probably close to 100 from diffe ^rent sta lkers over the course of a few months.
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Now about the Western males: I saw them wearing night vision goggles on several ^occasions, they'd constantly harass me and illegally surveil me on Turkish terri
tory up until I called the police.
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Harassment from CIA contractors:
^
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I woke up and a male was pointing a microwave oven with the door removed at ^my sl eeping body from my neighbor's balcony. I was actually half-awake with my e
yes open and I could see the guy bringing the oven out onto the balcony and plug
ging it into an
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extension cable. Another time, somebody pointed a microwave oven magnetron with ^a metal ho rn at my body to shock me (I saw this as well). The neighbor was on va
cation and the men were not authorized to be in that unit, so they likely broke
in using lockpi
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king equipment.
^
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A red laser pointer was shined into my room using a gun scope from my neighb ^or's first floor unit. I went out onto my balcony and saw a guy doing this. When
the guy saw me, he quickly closed the blinds and started laughing. The unit was
being renovate
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at the time and the men were not authorized to be there.
^
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A microwave weapon was pointed at my head which caused me to black out momen ^taril y and see white flashes of light. The same device would cause me to feel ex
tremely paranoid and make my heart rate speed up. I remember that it had buttons
and a cord. It
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was about the size of a small desktop computer.
^
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Somebody was pointing a laser microphone at my bedroom window from the same ^first f loor unit. I was in a telephone call with someone else, and Azaiah Crossw
hite started repeating parts of this conversation back to me over Snapchat as an
intimidation/g
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slighting tactic. Crosswhite also got private pictures from my bedroom and poste ^d them on h is Snapchat story.
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Window/door slamming: This would happen constantly whenever I was in my bedr ^oom or o ut on my balcony. Sometimes one of the guys would slam a window/door and
microwave me right after it happened.
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Sabotage: The phone lines in my apartment building and the entrance door cab ^le wer e both cut.
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Use of pulsed energy projectile weapons: I saw one of the guys holding a gun ^-shap ed device, when he fired it, a ball of energy came out of the weapon and ma
de the windows in my bedroom shake.
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Information: The microwave weapons that are used by intelligence agencies to ^day co nsist of: a millimeter wave amplifier, a transmitter with extremely low fr
equency amplitude modulation, batteries, and a horn antenna/waveguide. Using dif
ferent modulati
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n frequencies, effects such as tachycardia, panic attacks, epileptic seizures, p ^aranoia, REM sleep can be induced. They are the perfect tool for covert harassme
nt as they leave no trace. See Exhibit B for a picture of a microwave weapon.
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Azaiah Crosswhite would make comments over Discord such as "[the CIA] are going ^to send me a copy of your destruction video", "your name is Cock Sucker", and "y
our code name is RAVEN". He'd also encourage me to murder the people who were ha
rassing me, go
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n a mass shooting spree, or commit suicide.
^
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These are all goals of the government stalking program which I was a victim of, ^according t o an article by Julianne McKinney, who is a former US army intelligen
ce officer and member of the Association of National Security Alumni. See: https
://www.bibliote
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apleyades.net/sociopolitica/esp_sociopol_mindcon28.htm .
^
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I called the police a few days before July 1, 2019. When the officers came, one ^of them s aid that I "talk too much" and that I should "keep [my] mouth shut".
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Then, intense microwave harassment started. I would hear footsteps in the unit a ^bove mine a nd my sleep would be disrupted due to the weapon that Turkish intelli
gence was using on me.
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On July 1, 2019, a man I didn't know started asking me questions such as "If som^ebody was ca ught selling illegal alcohol, what political party would that person
be from?". He also made comments implying that I had been under surveillance by
Turkish intell
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gence for a while, and warned me that the Turkish government had prepared a trap^ for me.
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Several minutes later, an elderly man from my neighborhood named Ozkan came and ^asked me i f I was the "exit/cikis". (exit/cikis is a term for the illegal killin
g of a terrorist by Turkish intelligence). He took me to his apartment and told
me to visit Kon
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k Ferry Station. I went to Bostanli Ferry Station and boarded a ferry to Konak. ^After the ferry started going to Konak, I overheard 3 men in a row near me talki
ng about how they were hired to kill me and that they'd dump my body in the ocea
n because I was
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allegedly an ISIS member.
^
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Once the ferry arrived at Konak, I immediately got a random person to dial 112 a^nd faked hav ing medical problems. An ambulance came to the ferry station, and I
was taken to Alsancak Nevvar Salih Isgoren Hospital. I told the emergency room d
octors that the
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e was nothing wrong with me, they ran my ID card through the emergency room comp ^uter, and my name came up as a wanted terrorist.
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I overheard the doctors talking about the fact that Azaiah Crosswhite's name cam ^e up on t he emergency room computers and that my name was changed to "Cock Sucke
r" in some type of database which they had access to.
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Police lights shined into the emergency room and I heard sirens as around 5 poli ^ce cars came to the hospital along with Turkish intelligence. I was given 2 inje
ctions of haldol, and a guy next to my bed who worked for Turkish intelligence c
alled somebody
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n his cell phone whom he referred to as "Erdogan". Maybe it was the Turkish pres ^ident? I don't know..
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The doctors kept me in the hospital until the next morning and I was then releas ^ed.
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Several days later, I was in Gultepe, Konak, at a relative's house, and people w ^ere firing gunshots into the air while somebody would use a microwave weapon to
make me feel like my head was going to explode. I saw people on a nearby rooftop
, they had guns
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(which they were constantly firing) and camouflage clothing. Whenever I'd get mi^crowaved, my phone would lose cell service and the camera would blur.
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While this was happening, I tried to contact somebody I barely knew who worked a^t the US Dep artment of Justice for help.
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As soon as I had a mental breakdown due to the constant gunfire and microwaving, ^ the gunfir e and microwave attacks immediately stopped. Two street thugs then at
tacked me (I believe that Turkish intelligence paid them money to do this) and p
revented me fro
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going home in a taxi.
^
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I called the police and they came rather quickly. When one of the police officer ^s looked up the information on my ID card through a mobile app on his phone, he
saw something in the police database. I was told by a Turkish police officer: "I
f you were in t
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e US, the CIA would just shoot you, we are nice so we will take you to a hospita ^l instea d". Fortunately, there were no beds available at the local hospital so I
was allowed to go home in a taxi.
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After I went home, the microwave harassment continued, and I went to Cesme a few ^ days later . The harassment continued there as well.
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I decided that I had to leave the country as the Turkish secret services were ag ^gressive ly pursuing me. On July 6, 2019, I boarded flight PC1019 from Sabiha Gok
cen Airport to Munich Airport. About 30 minutes after my flight took off, I noti
ced that the ma
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e and female in the row behind my seat were talking about me. The female was say ^ing that i t was sad that they had to kill me with a poison needle and that my re
al name wasn't given to them by MIT for security reasons. I immediately notified
a cabin crew m
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mber of their plot, and I was taken to another seat.
^
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The cabin crew member assured me that the German police had been notified, but o ^nce the pla ne landed, she grabbed me by my arm and told me to listen to my mothe
r while warning me not to contact the German police. I believe that she was affi
liated with MIT
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I gave a member of the Bundespolizei (immigration police) a piece of paper expla ^ining tha t I was being harassed with a microwave gun by Turkish intelligence, bu
t I was not given the opportunity to tell the Bundespolizei my full story. A fak
e Bavarian Stat
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Police officer then came and took me past immigration to the police station. I ^was pu t in a cell, and I noticed that all of the "officers" were speaking Turkis
h, ALL of them. I strongly suspect that an insider within the police force let T
urkish intellig
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nce into the station. I don't know if that insider is the commissar or someone e ^lse.
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One of them was calling me stupid in Turkish, and they were all discussing what ^they should do with me. "Ausganging"/killing me was discussed as an option, but
the fake police eventually decided to send me to a mental hospital. I was given
some forms to s
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gn, and I had no idea where I was being taken at the time. I signed the paperwor^k as I didn' t want to get ausganged/killed. I then heard the fake police discuss
ing in Turkish that I was lucky to be going to a mental hospital, as they usuall
y kill ISIS sus
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ects.
^
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A few minutes after I boarded the ambulance, I realized that something was wrong ^. A male and female who were in the ambulance with me started talking about my a
lleged cybercrimes and about somebody named Rosenberg who "wanted blood". Once t
he ambulance ar
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ived at KBO Taufkirchen Station A2 (48.345941, 12.137753), the same fake police ^officer who took me past immigration told the staff to fry my brain with gas and
that I'd then be transported to Anchorage International Airport.
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Then, four Turkish men came and forcibly put me in the neurotoxic gas room (whic ^h doubles a s a suicide watch room). My shoes were taken off (so that I couldn't
break down the door and escape), and a worker activated a metal fan. A gas which
smelled like f
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rmaldehyde then started to come out of the fan. I saw graffiti on the walls of t ^he gas roo m, all of the names that were carved into the walls were Turkish, and
I realized that I was at some type of illegal Turkish black site on German terri
tory. During th
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s time, Turkish intelligence was livestreaming the gas room camera to a group of ^ CIA i nformants (Azaiah Crosswhite, Jared Fazah, Justin Anglin) as a "destructio
n video". Azaiah Crosswhite had previously stated "[the CIA] are going to send m
e a copy of you
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destruction video".
^
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Jared Fazah had taken a $500,000 Bitcoin bribe to sell me out a few days before ^I was kidnap ped, while Justin Anglin is a CIA agent who has previously been to I
ran and other middle eastern countries. They were all talking about the livestre
am in a Discord
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server, sadly I don't have any screenshots as they were mysteriously deleted fro ^m my com puter (it may have been hacked).
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One hour after I was put in the gas room, a staff member came and turned off the^ fan in my r oom. This is the only reason why I don't suffer from brain damage to
day. I was saved by that staff member.
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About 3 hours after I was put in the gas room, I heard a helicopter hovering abo ^ve the fake mental hospital. This helicopter may have belonged to the US militar
y, but at the time I thought it belonged to the Bundeskriminalamt (Federal Crimi
nal Police Offi
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e) and that they were coming to save me.
^
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I banged on the door of the gas room and screamed for the police to come and sav ^e me, but nobody came.
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In the early morning hours of July 7, 2019, a Turkish doctor came into the room ^with a f lashlight. She commented aloud in Turkish that "[I] was made to rot". Th
en, a female CIA agent came into the room with my mother while I was pretending
to be mentally
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isabled. The doctors brought me chocolate milk and pizza, and the CIA agent star ^ted talkin g about how I'd be indicted by a grand jury in the District of Alaska
and forced into a plea deal for over 10 years in prison. That I'd be found menta
lly incompetent
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and have no choice but to take the plea deal, sending me to prison for a long ti ^me.
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The CIA agent declined to give my mother her real name and talked about previous ^ly living i n Australia. She had an Eastern European accent and told my mother to
throw away any receipts or evidence indicating that she was in the town of Tauf
kirchen, and to
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keep her cell phone turned off.
^
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The lady also told my mother that a US senator (I don't remember the senator's e ^xact name) wanted to meet with her. In 2018, Kenneth Currin Schuchman had told m
e that "a senator can order the killing of a US citizen in some cases" and told
one of my frien
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s that a US senator wanted to kill me. Nobody believed him back then, including ^me. I sti ll don't know who this senator is or why he wants me killed. (Note: Ken
neth Currin Schuchman has been repeatedly thrown in mental hospitals, and his fa
ther Robert Sch
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chman currently has guardianship over him).
^
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The lady left and I slept for a few hours in the neurotoxic gas room/suicide wat ^ch room. Th en after I woke up, a staff member woke up and unlocked the door. I w
as allowed to leave, and that's when the torture started. An African lady was pl
aying back a re
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ording of me in the gas room on one of the hospital computers and laughing at it^. The same l ady would also play screaming noises and the Turkish word for mental
ly retarded ("gerizekali") over a loudspeaker connected to the computer, and use
a microwave we
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pon which looked like a stereo speaker to give me epileptic seizures. I do remem ^ber that t he weapon was brought to the hospital in a large briefcase by men work
ing for Turkish intelligence.
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I met other people who were being held at the hospital. One lady told me "You're ^ lucky th at the Turks got you first. With the Germans it would have been worse.
The Turks usually don't kill". She also claimed to be a spy.
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I borrowed a cell phone from one of the other patients and called the police. On ^ce I told them that I was being held at a fake mental hospital run by the Turkis
h secret services, I was told that I "belonged in [the hospital]" by a German po
lice officer an
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they never responded to my emergency call.
^
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SETUP: new interface Vlan1 placed in "shutdown" state
Press RETURN to get started!
*Mar 1 00:01:17.242: %STACKMGR-4-SWITCH_ADDED: Switch 1 has been ADDED to the stack
*Mar 1 00:01:18.752: %LINEPROTO-5-UPDOWN: Line protocol on Interface Vlan1, changed state to down
*Mar 1 00:01:20.102: %SPANTREE-5-EXTENDED_SYSID: Extended SysId enabled for type vlan
*Mar 1 00:01:54.705: %PARSER-4-BADCFG: Unexpected end of configuration file.
*Mar 1 00:01:54.705: %SYS-5-CONFIG_I: Configured from memory by console
*Mar 1 00:01:54.907: %STACKMGR-5-SWITCH_READY: Switch 1 is READY
*Mar 1 00:01
Switch>
Switch>:54.907: %STACKMGR-4-STACK_LINK_CHANGE: Stack Port 1 Switch 1 has changed to state DOW N
*Mar 1 00:01:54.907: %STACKMGR-4-STACK_LINK_CHANGE: Stack Port 2 Switch 1 has changed to sta te DOWN
*Mar 1 00:01:55.183: %STACKMGR-5-MASTER_READY: Master Switch 1 is READY
*Mar 1 00:01:55.477: %SYS-5-RESTART: System restarted --
Cisco IOS Software, C3750 Software (C3750-IPSERVICESK9-M), Version 12.2(55)SE10, RELEASE SOFT WARE (fc2)
Technical Support: http://www.cisco.com/techsupport
Copyright (c) 1986-2015 by Cisco Systems, Inc.
Compiled Wed 11-Feb-15 11:40 by prod_rel_team
*Mar 1 00:01:55.511: %SSH-5-ENABLED: SSH 1.99 has been enabled
*Mar 1 00:01:56.140: %PHY-4-SFP_NOT_SUPPORTED: The SFP in Gi1/0/8 is not supported
*Mar 1 00:01:56.140: %PM-4-ERR_DISABLE: gbic-invalid error detected on Gi1/0/8, putting Gi1/ 0/8 in err-disable state
*Mar 1 00:01:56.173: %GBIC_SECURITY_CRYPT-4-VN_DATA_CRC_ERROR: GBIC in port Gi1/0/12 has bad crc
*Mar 1 00:01:56.173: %PM-4-ERR_DISABLE: gbic-invalid error detected on Gi1/0/12, putting Gi1 /0/12 in err-disable state
*Mar 1 00:01:56.719: %LINK-5-CHANGED: Interface Vlan1, changed state to administratively dow n
Switch>en
Switch#conft
Translating "conft"...domain server (255.255.255.255)
% Unknown command or computer name, or unable to find computer address
Switch#show run
Building configuration...
Current configuration : 988 bytes
!
version 12.2
no service pad
service timestamps debug datetime msec
service timestamps log datetime msec
no service password-encryption
!
hostname Switch
!
boot-start-marker
boot-end-marker
!
!
!
!
no aaa new-model
switch 1 provision ws-c3750g-12s
system mtu routing 1500
vtp domain Null
vtp mode transparent
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
spanning-tree mode pvst
spanning-tree extend system-id
!
vlan internal allocation policy ascending
!
vlan 61
name fttx
!
!
!
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/1
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/2
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/3
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/4
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/5
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/6
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/7
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/8
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/9
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/10
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/11
!
interface GigabitEthernet1/0/12
!
interface Vlan1
no ip address
shutdown
!
ip classless
ip http server
ip http secure-server
!
!
!
!
!
line con 0
line vty 5 15
!
end

Northbound 1 trains are running with delays after we got medical assistance for someone at 59 St-Columbus Circle.

I think there’s something wrong when! I spent the last 6 months worried and hyper fixated on an injury but have done nothing to fix it, I feel stuck. I’ve come to realize that’s how I deal with a lot of decision making in my life. I struggle to make decisions because I overthink a lot and am afraid to make the wrong decision.
Context, suffered knee injury, surgery for repair would help if successful but has higher failure rate for obese people. I didn’t ask questions, didn’t ask for further information, didn’t disclose full history, didn’t seek second opinion and just kinda accepted my fate of an eventual knee replacement in the next few years. Or hoping that by some miracle it wound resolved itself. I panicked and tried to get released to return to work knowing full well it isn’t good for my injury because I didn’t want to lose my job, not financially stable, living paycheck to paycheck. No modified work offered so couldn’t return.
I’ve managed to screw up so much, haven’t contacted employers about returning with less restrictions ( even though I shouldn’t do anymore physical labor jobs), my insurance needs to change but I haven’t called to fix it. I lost my disability payments because I didn’t send some information, trying to reinstate it but can’t get myself to do it. Need to make a decision if go surgical route but it’s been so long since injury that it compromised already sketchy success potential. I’ve wasted 7 months only thinking of bad outcomes, when I could have tried it and would know now if it worked.
Could have had the perfect set up, had just suffered injury, had job protection, got disability, one job offers unexpected financial assistance (nothing to crazy but it would have helped), could have gone on LTD (possibly), and would have had to switch to stated medi-cal eventually since not working. I was too worried about my injury and possibly repair failing, I didn’t want to lose my job, surgeon wasn’t too optimistic of outcome, and didn’t have the financial safety net to go thru with repair ( bills/ rent/ medical bills were gonna pile up). I was so focused on the negative that I didn’t see that I could have tried the surgery, had ample time to focus on recovery, and if it failed it would have (hopefully) just brought me back to the starting point ( it could also be worse). If I lost my job I count have relied on UE or LTD until I recovered.
Instead I hyper fixated on all the negative stuff, worked hard to get released to return to work, wasted all this time, and I’m still at the same point I started. Except this descion or lack of decision is gonna cost me more in time, money, and health. Now I’m fixated on should have had the surgery early 🤦‍♀️ what’s wrong with me ?

In my dream I was training for and competing in a sport that included a river kayaking phase, a labyrinth navigation phase, and a rock climbing chase phase. There was also a sort of ARG component to it; at the end of every competition announcers would make a lot of cryptic statements you have to quickly take notes on and decipher, and this let you somehow unlock "abilities" for future competitions. Abilities took the form of wet wipes soaked in different psychoactive chemicals you keep in your pocket and throw at the faces of competitors. Someone gave me a tip that there are hidden messages in the fine print on shoeboxes that serve as a cheat sheet that you can use to bypass the note taking process, so I took advantage of this.
Anyway I went through the whole event and was in the final phase; I had to reach the top of the rock wall without being tagged by the person climbing after me. We reached the top and there was a room, but they passed out from the wet wipes which I felt guilty about, and the ceiling was sagging from apparent water damage and about to collapse on the unconscious competitor. I picked this person up (somehow ambiguous gender despite being naked at this point) and started looking to get them help.
I was walking through an urban environment in and out of buildings that resembled large airports, looking for a hospital. Kept asking people at help desks for directions, but I didn't understand the directions, which they seemed to think were obvious and got impatient and refused to help further, which I was kind of angry about because the person I was carrying obviously needed medical attention. Eventually I got really lost and there were no more help desks, and a man on a bicycle broke a glass bottle against a brick wall and rode towards me yelling angrily. I tried to talk him down but he wasn't hearing it, and I only got away because another angry man started fighting the first one (I got the sense that he wasn't trying to help and they were fighting over who gets to attack me, and I would lose because they were both very good at fighting).
Later I was checking Reddit, and it turned out I had been banned from the subreddit for the cryptic triathlon, for a series of what to me seemed to be totally innocuous comments related to my participation in the event, and the ban message was really smug with an absurd explanation of what the reason for the ban was. I was already really worked up from all of the prior events and about to send a petty reply like "If your goal was to get me to quit the sport, you've succeeded, hope you enjoy the toxic community you've fostered" but I woke up before I could send it and felt mad that I was blocked from sending the message since it was all just a dream.

Hi. Last November me (28F) and my mom (48F) and I got into it the night before my brother's wedding because my SIL's sister started a conflict and it got ugly between my mom and I after she defended them.
I have epilepsy, possible bipolar, and have been having more intense and frequent seizures so they want me to go do an inpatient unit for almost a week to trigger and record my seizures in action prior to a brain surgery. She asked to come stay with me during it. I told her I'd like us to have a sit down talk, maybe even with a therapist, before we make any plans. She said no and will leave me alone if that's what I need. Guess that's my only choice if I want to respect my needs.
We had only been talking again for a few days recently. I think her love might have faded and it is destroying me. It's hard to accept she stopped caring.
She's made a point of being vindictive during this time. For examples, she had opened a credit card for me that she said she'd pay off because I can't work and have zero way of making income right and can't drive now. She said she wanted to help with food, medical expenses, and Ubers. About a 6k debt there, but she spent 12k on my brother and SIL wedding rings. She sent me a huge statement with a payment plan the day she found out my grandpa I had been caring for died.. I
I guess this is just a rant. But any advice would be nice.

I’ve (26M) struggled with depression and some suicidal ideation on and off since I was 16. It was a long road and took a lot of work on myself and countless hours of therapy, but around the end of 2023, I was in what I now consider to be the peak of my life. I was working a job I mostly liked, two semesters away from finishing my bachelor’s degree online and exercising almost every other day. After years of loneliness, I finally found a friend group I really adored spending time with, and I had a boyfriend with whom I hadn’t even realized I had fallen in love, whom I’d seen for about 6 months. For perhaps the first time, I had a generally positive outlook, I felt confident and attractive, and I had so much going for me. I had no clue that I was about to make a decision that would significantly alter that course and steer me off into the deepest, darkest depression and most relentless desire to end it all that I’ve ever felt. This is a very long and personal post about my decision to have surgery that I now, in hindsight, believe to have been unnecessary. The surgery itself has left me with chronic pain and probably lifelong negative consequences that are far worse than anything I ever experienced prior. I’ve kept most of this to myself other than sharing it with my therapist, and although I’m on the ledge, I think writing it all down and putting it out there may calm me somewhat. I haven’t spared some graphic details of some of the more sensitive changes to my body because I want this to be as detailed and accurate as possible. And anyway, why should I care? I may be dead soon anyway... My hope is that if I share my story, someone, somewhere, might benefit from it and might not make the same mistake I did that has me sincerely wanting to off myself. So here it goes.
Around NovembeDecember 2023, I started experiencing some strange stabbing pain in my upper right abdomen that would come on suddenly and then go away for no obvious reason. I also thought I saw trace amounts of blood in my stool, and this concerned me enough that I reached out to my primary care doctor at the beginning of January. My doctor is always booked for months, so they told me to go to the emergency room. The ER was packed, and I ended up sitting in the waiting room for about eight hours in between going for an ultrasound and a CT scan. I was getting very tired of waiting and was about ready to give up and leave as I had to work early in the morning the next day. Looking back, I wish I had left. Just before I was about to leave, they called me back and told me that they found something on the CT scan called an intussusception in my small bowel. This is a condition where the intestine gets caught on a “lead point” and folds in on itself, sort of like a telescope. It is most often found in infants and is very rarely found in people my age, yet I was told it is a medical emergency because the tissue of my bowel could die if left untreated, and/or the lead point could be a potentially cancerous tumor. They admitted me and told me they would scan me again in the morning because, despite the severity, there was a chance it could resolve. Hearing that I would be staying overnight shocked me, as I had never been hospitalized before, having always been in good physical health. I have never had digestive issues in the past, I’ve never been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease or ulcerative colitis or anything of the sort, and I had never heard of this condition, but every medical professional I spoke to seemed very concerned that I had it. They didn’t have a bed for me in the hospital at that point, so I had to sleep in the packed and quite chaotic ER. About an hour after I was given a bed, a man was admitted a few feet from me who was very aggressive with all of the nurses, screaming and cursing at them throughout the night. I was not allowed to eat or drink, given the possibility of surgery. I struggled to get any sleep in that environment and woke up the next morning feeling very lethargic.
The surgeon and resident came by my bed and we spoke briefly. The surgeon explained that while the condition was serious, if it continued to show up in my CT scans, they could do minimally invasive laparoscopic surgery to resect the piece of my bowel that was telescoped and stitch it back together. I feel they really downplayed the severity of this procedure. I will never forget them saying, “It’s such a small piece of your bowel, you won’t miss it.” They felt that since I was young and otherwise healthy, I should have no problem making a full recovery. I felt confident in the fact that I was speaking to the chief of surgery at the hospital, who has more than twenty years of experience in the field. Then they brought me for my second scan, and within a few hours I was told the intussusception had not resolved. I was admitted to a hospital room, and the resident came to discuss moving forward with the surgery. My first impulse was “absolutely not,” but I quickly second-guessed myself. Everything I saw in the limited research I was able to do on my phone stated that this was indeed a serious condition that warranted surgery. In that moment, it seemed like the reasons not to go through with it were somewhat vain, such as not wanting the scars and having to forgo lifting weights at the gym for some time. Though it didn’t quite make sense to me that they wanted to operate on the complete opposite side of my body from the one that was in pain and which brought me into the ER in the first place. When I asked the resident about this, he responded, “We don’t understand how referred pain works,” Okay, fair enough, I thought. More than anything, I thought that if a doctor was in front of me, telling me what was going on with my body was an emergency situation that warranted immediate surgery, I should probably listen to them. They’re the “experts,” after all. And given the state I was in, having been in the hospital for over 24 hours at that point, running on very little sleep and nothing to eat, I don’t think I really had the capacity to fully parse what was going on, but given the doctors level of concern, it seemed like I urgently had to make a decision. After about an hour of talking it over with my mother, even though I never had any pain in the area they were about to operate on, I signed the consent papers. (Biggest fucking mistake of my life) I remember they listed risks of things that could go wrong during or shortly after the surgery, such as infection, bowel perforation, etc. They did not mention the procedure’s possible long-term consequences, and neither the surgeon nor resident ever mentioned possible long-term complications, and I didn’t think to ask. I had no experience with this kind of thing whatsoever; I am not a doctor, I don’t know any doctors, and no one I know has ever had abdominal surgery… I was so naive to trust these people, but I did. In fact, I trusted them so much that I was not terribly scared of the procedure I was about to undergo. Again, I chalk that up to the reduced mental capacity I was in, given a tough overnight stay in the ER. I remember the adrenaline rush as I was wheeled down to the operating room. I was singing one of my favorite songs in my head, hyping myself up for the procedure ahead of me. The last thing I remember was one of the OR nurses telling my mother not to worry, that the surgeon was “the best,” and that they had even operated on her husband.
I woke up high as a kite. I heard one of the nurses say I had been given fentanyl, which I remember freaked me out; I had forgotten it is more than a street drug and actually has legitimate uses. The procedure had gone fine, and I was discharged only a day or two later, with my only guidance upon discharge being not to lift heavy objects and “take it easy,” I was in some pain, but it was to be expected at that point and was well controlled by combining Tylenol and Advil. The surgeon called later that week to inform me that the pathology report had come back and that the lead point was simply “some swollen lymph nodes,” I was relieved to hear that it was not cancer. At my follow-up appointment two weeks later, I reported feeling pretty much fine. I had been granted medical leave and short-term disability from my job for six weeks following the surgery. This was the full length of time after which the surgeons expected I would recover fully. I used the time off to hang out with friends and my boyfriend and to focus on finishing what would have been my final semester of school. Those were the last few weeks that I felt somewhat normal despite what I had just gone through. I had no idea what was about to come.
About 5 weeks post-op is when I first began experiencing worse pain deep in my abdomen, right where I had the surgery, plus the pain in my upper right abdomen had not gone away. This new pain is crampy, yet sometimes stabbing, and had seemed to worsen with activity; I have experienced it every single day, nearly every hour, to varying degrees, since the beginning of February. That was also when I began regularly bloating and having difficulty going to the bathroom. No matter how hard I try to push, I can’t fully evacuate my bowels. (This is a nightmare for someone who has receptive anal sex like I used to do regularly. It is now impossible). With the emergence of all these symptoms, I felt very, very scared that there was something else wrong with me. And, of course, this all happened in the week when I was set to return to work. I have a physically demanding customer service job, and I was in so much pain that I found it impossible to be nice to the customers or even stand, so I left and, thankfully, was allowed to take the rest of the week off to figure things out. I obviously called my surgeon, but it also prompted me to do deeper research into the complications that can develop following abdominal surgery. I began pouring over medical journals, trying to figure out what was going on in my body on my own. That was when I first learned about “surgical adhesions.” These are fibrous bands of scar tissue that can develop due to the incisions made during surgery and handling of the bowel. As your body heals from the trauma of surgery, this scar tissue forms and can cause your intestine to stick to other organs or structures in your body. According to medical literature, they form in 90% of all patients who undergo abdominal surgery, but not all adhesions cause complications like what I’ve experienced. They are not easy to diagnose as they are impossible to visualize on any imaging tests, they do not go away on their own (it’s scar tissue), and the only treatment is surgically cutting them apart, which is risky, given that there’s a strong chance they will just grow back and possibly be even worse. This was obviously terrifying to me, but when I asked the surgeon about this, they said, “There’s very little chance that’s what’s happening,” given that the procedure was laparoscopic, not open. I scheduled another appointment with them, wherein they seemed quite dismissive of my concerns. They said the pain was likely “incisional” (it wasn’t and isn’t) but that they would order another CT scan so we could see what was going on. They also wrote me a script for gabapentin, an anticonvulsant meant to prevent seizures that is used off-label to treat pain and anxiety, with the qualifier that they would not write a script for anything stronger, basically implying that I was seeking narcotics, which was not at all the case, and which I found extremely offensive.
My next CT scan was scheduled about a month following that appointment in early March. In the interim, I began taking the gabapentin. I used more than I was prescribed because it was the only way I was able to control the pain and allow myself to feel comfortable at work. I didn’t anticipate the changes it would cause to my mood and behavior. In addition to feeling depressed and scared, I was also becoming easily emotionally dysregulated in ways I believe I would have been able to control prior to taking the medication. But when I didn’t take it, I was in pretty bad pain almost all the time, and I didn’t understand why at that point. My boyfriend noticed these changes in my mood and decided he needed space from me to protect his emotional wellbeing. I didn’t blame him then, and I still don’t, but I miss him terribly. We were supposed to remain “friends,” and he at least pretended he wanted that for a bit of time. At that point, I became determined to ween myself off the gabapentin and continue to work on improving my mental and physical health, for myself, but also for him; as I said, I really loved him. Later that week, after we split, I had my CT scan, and the surgeon called to tell me that it looked like I was just constipated. They advised me to take Miralax daily to ease that constipation, which should hopefully make me feel better. To me, this seemed like a huge relief. I started taking the Miralax, and at that point, I started exercising and lifting weights again. I also started trying to bulk up again, which had been an important part of my fitness journey prior to the surgery.
So April rolls around, and I am still trying my best to resume my normal life, which felt possible again at that point. I did end up successfully weening myself off gabapentin. With this newfound reinvigoration, I attempted to get my boyfriend back. We would make plans, but then he would reschedule again and again. Eventually, he kept our plans, and we met up for a talk in the park. We obviously had a lot to talk about in our relationship, at which point he told me that he simply was not attracted to me anymore. This was devastating news, as that was the first time I realized it was really over. Before I had thought that if I could show him how much I was trying to get back to the place I was before the surgery, he would stick around, but that was the moment I realized it was impossible for him to see me in the light he once did. Nevertheless, I tried to push on, kept going to the gym, and kept trying to get my life back. I was still seeing my friends regularly, and I was able to push myself to get through work, even though it was painful and hard. Plus, I was still working on my degree despite not feeling able to give it my best effort and focus with everything going on. I was still motivated to keep going, and I thought things might improve from there.
Well, lo and behold, they did not. One day in early April, I was sitting on the couch, sort of mindlessly snacking on some almonds before I was set to go have drinks with friends and see a concert. Immediately afterward, I felt that pain again in my abdomen. Despite that, I was really excited to see my friends and see the show. We met at a bar, where I had three cocktails before we made our way to the venue. I drank one or two more while the opener played. But by the time the headliner came on, I ended up in so much pain that I told my friends quite regrettably that I had to leave. I walked home and ate a small snack, wrongfully thinking it might make me feel better, before popping a melatonin and heading to bed. I woke up around 2 AM in the most intense pain I have experienced both before and after the surgery. I was extremely bloated and unable to pass gas or move my bowels. I had read somewhere that this was a sign of bowel obstruction and that I needed to seek medical attention. I made the decision to go to the ER. I walked down the stairs to leave, and as I did, I felt myself begin to vomit. Thankfully I was able to make it to the sink as I puked up what I imagine was that snack I’d had before bed. Shortly after, I arrived at the ER, this time choosing a different facility from the one where the surgeon had dismissed all of my post-surgical concerns. I was quickly admitted and given another CT scan. They confirmed my bowel was obstructed and told me they would place a tube into my nose down to my stomach to try to pump some of the blockage out. I asked the ER doctor if I was going to need to have surgery, to which he replied, “It’s a strong possibility.” This was horrifying to me. Getting the tube inserted into my nose was so painful, and I was screaming in agony the entire time. Then they gave me morphine, and I passed out. The details and timeline of that hospital stay are somewhat hazy in my mind, but I ended up being there for four days, over which I was given a “gastro graph challenge” test, wherein I was instructed to drink a contrast element which would be visualized by a series of Xrays so the doctors could monitor if anything was passing through my intestines. I met with another surgeon, whom I found to be much more attentive than my prior one, or at least simply possessing superior active listening skills. In fact, I felt that all of the staff at this second hospital were a lot more sensitive to my needs than the first. I really wish I had gone there the first time, as it’s the best hospital in the city. Add that to my long list of mistakes… Anyway.
Despite her more positive demeanor, she recommended another emergency surgery, this time a laparotomy (open) surgery to resect my bowel a second time. Her hypothesis was that the anastomosis (the medical term for the connection formed between my bowel loops during the first surgery) could be too narrow to allow food to pass through properly. I asked this new surgeon if it was possible I had adhesions causing this problem, and unlike the last one, she said, “It’s possible,” especially given that these symptoms began emerging a few weeks after the first surgery. But, like I said, they don’t really know what’s going on until they cut you open and go in there. Given that I am now much more aware of the risks of surgery and the risks of having a second procedure, I was fervently against going under the knife again. I simply couldn’t handle it. So I opted for conservative management, which meant waiting it out, taking an enema, and eventually getting back on a liquid and then solid diet. Thankfully, sitting in the hospital being NPO (Latin for nil per os - “nothing by mouth”) and taking the gastro graph made it pass eventually, and I didn’t have to have a second surgery. I was discharged from the hospital with instructions to schedule another diagnostic test called a “small bowel series,” in which they use xrays to track the amount of time it takes liquid to pass through your digestive system and to start a “low residue” diet- meaning eating very little fiber. Suddenly gone from my diet are all of the fruits and vegetables I once loved, and I can’t eat nuts or seeds (It seems to me that those almonds caused the obstruction in the first place). Basically, I’m now forced to exist on a diet of the most processed foods imaginable because although they are demonstrably unhealthy, that is all that my body is now able to safely digest.
After leaving that second hospital stay, I proceeded to delve even further into research about not only long-term abdominal surgery complications such as adhesions but also the nature of adult intussusceptions in general. I once again started furiously googling, finding results from medical journals and personal accounts from Reddit. I came to the conclusion that intussusceptions in adults, while ostensibly serious, have a strong possibility of resolving on their own, especially when they present in the small bowel, in the absence of vomiting (I never vomited before going to the hospital in January), when there is no obvious lead point (they couldn’t see it on my scans) and there is no obstruction (I was never obstructed before the surgery). Furthermore, while intussusception does present with blood in the stool, it is usually described as “currant jelly stool” (something I don’t recommend you google because it looks atrocious), which is not even close to the trace amounts of blood I saw in my own stool. (But no one ever asked, so how would I know the difference?) I never experienced any pain whatsoever in the area of my small bowel before the surgery. And yet I was told by a doctor that I was experiencing a medical emergency, which might have been caused by some malignant growth, which scared the shit out of me and made me feel at the time that immediate action was necessary. At one point, I even found a paper that attributed intussusception to cannabis use, which I had engaged in that week. In these papers, the authors highlight that these intussusceptions were transient and did not require surgical intervention. And on the point of adhesions, they are not easily diagnosed, and they are not easily treatable without surgical intervention; and said intervention is a cache 22 scenario because every time you get cut open, you risk growing back even more adhesions.
With all of this knowledge, I became absolutely distraught. I was never informed that by having this procedure performed, I would be at this increased risk of experiencing bowel obstruction. Like most people, I literally had no idea what an “adhesion” even was. What made me lose hope the most was that it seems as if doctors do these surgeries and simply ignore adhesion as a consequence because they don’t have any feasible way to prevent it or treat it without potentially creating more adhesion. So, although I was released from the hospital having avoided a second surgery, I felt more lost and hopeless than ever. I simply couldn’t cope with the realization that this would be something I would deal with for the rest of my life, something I could’ve avoided had I never agreed to get the first surgery because although I had that original pain I mentioned earlier- which has still continued to this day, it wasn’t and isn’t anything close to how excruciating the obstruction was, and it wasn’t really disrupting my life in the way the post-surgical pain has. But under the guidance of doctors, I opted to permanently alter my body, and there’s no going back. I feel so incredibly stupid for being deceived by these “medical professionals” who didn’t take the time to understand what was actually going on with me and chose to take an overly aggressive course of action that has left me permanently altered, in pain, and completely diminished my quality of life.
That week after leaving the hospital was truly the most suicidal I have ever felt. As I mentioned, I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation on and off since my adolescence. I’ve always had latent thoughts about wanting to die, wanting to escape, feeling like I’m hopeless and there’s no use trying to better myself. But this time, the desire to end my life was so much more intense. I became extremely disassociated from everything in life. In that week following my second hospitalization, there was absolutely nothing that could bring me joy. Before the surgery, I used to find deep pleasure in simply walking around my neighborhood for at least an hour every day. But I couldn’t do it anymore because walking gives me time to think, and thinking is too painful. It always leads back to the realization of the way I am now. Nothing could make me smile or laugh. I couldn’t even listen to music, one of my favorite things in the world. I became completely devoid of all emotions as my research transitioned away from my various new ailments and into ways I could end my life.
The rest of April and May passed by in a blur. Over that time, I’ve had two more appointments with the surgeons I met at the second hospital, a small bowel study (a more in-depth series of x-rays tracking the transit time of liquid through the GI tract), and a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Those have not yielded any significant findings as to what is going on, making me believe even more that all of these problems are being caused by adhesions. However, the small bowel study did reveal that my stomach is slightly herniated, which I believe is the cause of the original pain that I sought care for in the first place. At my last appointment, I was told to see a “small bowel specialist” GI doctor. But that was three weeks ago, and I haven’t even been able to get an appointment with them. I’m on a waiting list, but I imagine I’m looking at many months before I can get an appointment. I don’t know what they’re going to do for me. I don’t know that there’s anything that can be done besides more surgery, and I am very fearful about that. I fear the only way that these fucking doctors who fucked me up in the first place are going to even try to help me is if I’m obstructed again. But the changes to my diet, as much as I hate them, have kept me in a more manageable amount of pain and out of the hospital for now.
It is now June, and I am shocked that I am still here and confused about what to do now. Despite the diet, I still feel pain and discomfort at some point in the day, every single day. I think about wanting this all to end all of the time. I have not attempted again, though I did pick up another nitrogen tank, and I’ve also stockpiled a 90 day supply of my antidepressant, so at least I have the option. I am drinking two bottles of wine or half a bottle of vodka nearly every night. Alcohol is the only thing that seems to quiet my thoughts enough to get through each evening. I am sitting here in a cycle where I think about doing it, but I still feel obligated to go to work, to see my friends, and to feed my cat. My life has continued, but I don’t feel like I’m living anymore; I merely exist. I feel extremely unattractive because although I look the same as I did on the outside, I’m overcome with never ending emotional pain and turmoil on the inside. I am now unable to take care of myself and be on top of my life the way I used to be. After the second hospitalization, I dropped out of school and have no plans to continue, as I won’t need a bachelor’s degree when I’m dead. I have stopped exercising altogether, as it feels like there’s no point in trying to improve or take care of a body that has been permanently broken. Through all of this, I’ve lost much of my confidence and I feel I have completely lost my identity. I miss that old me so much. I miss my boyfriend so much. Plans with my friends are sometimes the only thing that keeps me going, and I am extremely grateful for them, but despite their continued presence, I feel extremely isolated and lonely. It’s hard to explain what I’ve been through to people without the context of all that has happened. I don’t have the energy to share it with them. And I feel if I speak about what I’m going through, I will feel like a burden, killing the vibe, and I don’t want that.
I have never felt this alienated from my body and from everything in life. I cannot cope with the fact that things will never be how they were before. I feel so incredibly distraught that I threw away what was shaping up to be the best days of my life. There’s nothing I or anyone else can do to change what has happened to me. It took me such a long time to get to the place I was in before the surgery. It was a brief and beautiful couple of months, but it’s over, and there’s no way for me to return. Even if there was, I don’t have that much of a fight left in me. I feel like such a fucking idiot for allowing the doctors to do this to me. I look around at all the happy people around me and know that I am dragging them down with my depression. I am tired of feeling helpless and like a burden on everyone I love. I am a shell of the person I once was. Ending it all is the singular thing that’s in my control. It is the only way to end all of this pain and suffering and stop the concern and confusion of my loved ones. I know that my exit will be painful to them, but they will all get over it in time. But me? I don’t think I will ever get over this. I will never be able to accept this horrible choice that I made. I am so tired of living this way. I am supposed to turn 27 soon, but I really don’t want to live to see my birthday. I have nothing to celebrate. My life is completely, irreversibly fucked. I don’t know when I will go, but it will be sooner rather than later. I am so sorry to everyone. I know this will hurt. I just can’t go on living this way. To all the people I care about, know that I love you, and I am so thankful you were part of my life. I know you will all go on to do great things without me. This entire saga has been unbearable; my life has spun out of control, and suicide is the only way to end my suffering. I’m sorry. I’m signing off.
TL;DR: Doctors performed a surgery I now think was unnecessary and the complications make me want to kill myself.

A detailed introduction will really be a waste of space when it comes to 'Lovely Runner' right now. If 'Seon Jaeya' is not echoing in your ears and if you aren't humming the lyrics of 'Sonagi' in your sleep, dishonour on you, dishonour on your Kdrama ancestors!
Jokes aside, it was wonderful to experience such a beautiful show while it was making history. Usually I am too late to the party and most hyped shows fail to match my expectations . But 'Lovely Runner' has set a new benchmark for me in many aspects. For a show that jumps timelines every two episodes, the fact that we were completely immersed and not confused is a testament to the effort the whole team has put into it. Even though the writing faltered in the second half ( I'm looking at you episode 13) it stayed consistent for most of it and combined with the brilliant performances by the actors, resulted in something special that is already on its way to becoming a classic.
I was amazed by the way the show and the actors handled the different timelines. The way they made us believe in them as teenagers to super popular idols to film producers to detectives have been discussed many times before. Today I just wanted to look at it in the context of the story. From here on it will be filled with spoilers, so if you haven't watched the show yet, now might be a good time to stop reading.
Since we see the story from Sol's point of view, her character feels familiar and same to us throughout the show even though she undergoes considerable character growth. Seon Jae is the main instrument that the writing uses to distinguish the different timelines. By the time the finale rolls in, we pine along with Sol for five different Seon Jaes - the original timeline Seon Jae, the teenage Seon Jae, the Seon Jae that we don't see but hear about when Sol briefly returns, the college Seon Jae and the clueless Seon Jae. It's amazing how the writing distinguishes these different versions as each of these Seon Jaes are living lives that are bound by the consequences of the actions and decisions made in their corresponding timelines.
When we see him for the first time, on the day of the eclipse in 2009, he is excited to start his singing journey. It has been 10 months since the attack on Sol happened. He might have decided to leave the past behind and push ahead as he always did. When the RJ asked him to make a call, he probably made a spur of the moment decision to call Sol because he wanted to check on her and make sure that she was doing alright. But she didn't recognise him and hearing the pain that she was still in, the realisation hit again that he was helpless when it comes to saving her. (Those words affected her so much because they came from his heart and was meant only for her). That might have reopened the wounds and when we see him 14 years later, he is clearly a troubled soul. He is not on good terms with his fellow band members and is probably under medication for depression (as seen by the pills on the hotel room table). His relationship with Sol was not quite love in that timeline. He had a one sided crush on her. SJ is not one to open up about his troubles. Sol basically rammed through his defences when she travelled back for the first time. So in the OG timeline, he probably dealt with the heartbreak of losing his swimming career on his own. On top of that, he had to witness the girl he liked being attacked in front of his eyes. If that is not enough trauma to be in therapy for the rest of one's life, the person he saved cursed him for saving and ruining her life. It's a wonder he still found the strength to go ahead and pursue his dream of becoming an idol. Guilt was probably the driving emotion of his life. Maybe it made the harsh criticism and comments directed towards him from the fans hit harder. I think 'Sonaki' in that timeline is not a love song but a heartbreaking ode to the girl he couldn't save. So when they meet for the first time on that bridge, the light that shines in Sol's eyes are of devotion and in his it is probably relief. He thinks she hasn't changed and seeing her living her life without losing the spark that attracted him in the first place might have alleviated some of the burden on his own soul. (Why did the killer hold such grudge against him and killed him in this timeline though? They met only once!!)
When Sol returns to the present for the first time, she is still wheel chair bound. So the past hasn't changed. Even though we don't see Seon Jae here, he was possibly in a similar mental state because if the first SJ was guilt ridden when he didn't really know her, this SJ already had made memories with her and so it must have hurt especially bad when she cut him out of his life. But he has better relationship with In Hyuk though because he trusted him enough to confide in him that he felt guilty for Sol's fate.
The SJ that Sol meets fifteen years later after successfully changing her own fate is in a much better place. It is probably because he got some kind of closure with Sol. He saved Sol on both occasions and Sol gave him a reason why she couldn't see him anymore. So even though it hurt, he could move on. The pills have changed to multi vitamins and In Hyuk is practically living with him. The news about him having panic attacks that Sol remembers from the OG timeline are just rumours for him.
The college SG is the purest of them all. He had good memories with Sol and he gave her the time and space to heal. His feelings were firmly in the unrequited love (as he believed) territory and once he figured things out and realised that his love might not be a one way street after all, he refuses to back down, consequences be damned. And that's one aspect of his characterization that stood out the most to me. Seon Jae is so open in his affection for Sol and he never bothers to hide it. Instead he declares it boldly any chance he gets. The only thing that will stop him is Sol's no and that right there is a green flag.
The clueless Seon Jae is the most confident of them all. He has no burden (consciously at least) on his soul and is assured in his place in life. I don't think he's an active part of Eclipse in this life since everybody refers to him as actor and there is no Sonagi. Eclipse is seen as separate. He objectively offers to renovate their studio. I think he initially was a member but retired from singing like he wanted to in the first timeline and is focusing on his acting career. Whatever it maybe he has better friendships,seen by the fact that now it is not just In Hyuk that barges into his home unannounced, the whole band is there. He is living a comparatively peaceful life. He might be lonely though.
Sol on the other hand moves through the timelines with her memories relatively intact. Apart from the temporary insanity and stupidity in episode 13, she is a pretty sorted person. She picked herself up from the worst and faced life head on without ever losing the spark of hope. Her journey from a cheerful teenager to a mature person who handled the twists of fate like a pro was done quite convincingly.
Her relationship with Seon Jae progressed slowly from worship to friendship to love. The writing doesn't use definitive events to showcase this change. Instead it uses little moments like the one in the bar when they are sitting together drinking tea and she belatedly remembers that he is no longer just Seon Jae but is a celebrity. The girl deserves a special applause for going from one timeline to next and meeting different versions of Seon Jae without getting whiplash. While years pass for him, for her it's just months.
In addition to the outstanding job done by Woo Seok and Hye Yoon, it is these attention to little details that makes the show even more interesting when you are re-watching it. Here there are no major secondary plot lines to carry the story forward. We spent most of the sixteen plus hours in the company of the lead pair and are still left wanting more. If that's not an indication of things done well, I don't know what is.
There are two plot points that I wish the show handled a bit better. Maybe another post for that. This one is already a bit long. Please feel free to share your favourite little details that you picked up from the show. I'm sure there are many many more because who are we kidding, we are still time travelling right?