Buick night light sensor go bad

For the record I do not have any trauma related disorders, personality disorders, or mental disorders other than MDD and severe anxiety. That being said I truly share symptoms across a lot of different disorders which confuses the hell out of me.
I had a normal childhood until about middle school. There I experienced a moderate amount of social isolations but still managed to make friends. A few of these friends tended to mess with me and try to make me feel as if I was lesser. I know I am not overreacting because other people have told me this and they act differently toward others. I think this was due to my appearance at a younger age and my anxiety. I cut them off because I realized they didn’t keep me around for other then making themselves feel good. I kept a few friends that I never Really considered close but largely I feel didn’t want to hangout with me lying about reasons not being able to hangout. I caught them in lies multiple times posting stories being somewhere when they said they were too tired to do anything or had a family event. I wantd to do something maybe once every two weeks and when they were busy maybe once a month but they managed to hangout with other people every weekend. High school I isolated myself and experimented with different personalities to try to make friends but nothing really worked that well. In my Highschool friend group I eventually had enough and argued with them over something relatively unimportant and they stopped associating with me after that with no more than a text asking if I was ok after being hospitalized a few days after. I had a bad reaction to prescribed medication that wasn't my fault. Never talked to a few of them after that in person and till this day and they think I am crazy. One said I don’t have it that bad when I tried explaining why I was so upset and how I struggled with a lot of things because a family member had an autistic son and I could never have it that bad. I was forced to go into group therapy in h s as well because of a screw up with the school and long story short my parents agreed it would be best to pull me out for a bit. I was by far the most emotionally stable person in each group I was put in no matter which person it was. I was also the only male except for a couple younger guys that were there for ASPD or OCD. I hate that I actually enjoyed being around all of the people in there. I still hate how I wish I never met any of these people because I think about them way to often and it hurts me. I felt too much in common with girls that had PTSD, BPD, and severe childhood trauma. I know that sounds awful but I truly wish I could switch lives with them because of the true horrors many of these kids experienced. the main reason I am even religious is because I do not know how a human being could torture another human soul so badly without remorse or reason without being influenced by true evil/demon/possession. I will not go into any detail because I do not feel it is my story to tell. All I will say is the light seemed dull in many children's eyes in that place. The only reason I have cried in the past like 8 months is because I remember the stories these people have told me. I hate how the closest I have every felt to a human being was with a girl that had BPD who I barely know and I felt was kind to me with no reason. I hate how I see these people around my city without it actually being them. I hate how I stay up at night thinking about our conversations. I hate how I feel they did not like me because I was even in there. I felt annoying and disrespectful without trying and I felt everything I said was stupid and came off weird or wrong. I hate how no one understands me as well as some of these girls did. Like why am I actively having good conversations with someone who seems to feel the same emotions I am feeling do not wish to have children because of the way I feel and the risk associated with them experiencing something horrible. I have also never seen myself living super long due to me being high stress and the fact I just have too much weird situations happen to me. I feel every major goal of mine has been ruined by things outside of my control I only have happiness in fleeting moments but I have experienced pure joy in a handful of moments in my life. My baseline is depressed and anxious but manageable. I feel I am lucky enough to not experience true trauma but unlucky enough to keep having bullshit mess with my life plans and happiness. There is more stuff I intentional left out because its too specific and I don't like talking bout them.
Symptoms list:
Mind racing, hypervigilance, feeling everyone is against me without proof, paranoid or more so anxious bad things will happen to me, always on guard in public; feels like people are making fun of me, intense anger toward others the world and myself, sensitive to specific words and topics, intense sensation of hollowness, backseat driveidentity issues [really only preset during extreme bouts of physical and mental stress such as not sleeping, eating or illness], I don't ever get headaches unless I am insanely stressed or depressed, sharp disconnect between myself and my feelings or feeling is should feel, I imagine crazy unrealistic but statistically probable dangerous situations happening to me when I am in public, have an intense almost idiotic need to prove my toughness and would rather die than back down to someone
My doctors have never thought I have autism and the only reason I have ever looked into that is social difficulties and when I am sleep deprived or under extreme stress/ anxiety I am not good in social situations. This has gotten better as I have gotten older though.
I do not have OCD even though I have a borderline extreme obsession with my chosen sport to the point I have to stop myself from talking about it all the time.
I don't hallucinate or have overly grandiose ideas/delusions
Don't fit criteria for PTSD as my symptoms are manageable enough to function at a high level and I have not really hit any of the trauma criteria under the DSM-5
Bipolar out of the question as I only ever experience manic symptoms when I am sick and cant get enough sleep and my mood is relatively stable. My psych told me to stop telling my therapist I have experienced mania because he believes its only due to sleep related insomnia. Even though they did say it is possible its not likely.
bipolar same with schizophrenia don't even come close to this one
Personality disorder I have no immediate family that has any of these and I did not have an exceptionally hard childhood. No severe trauma to cause this plus my mood is to stable and antidepressants help me regulate for the most part also antipsychotic actually make me worse even atypical ones suck.
My docs and therapist just say I am really unlucky and have MDD severe anxiety and to get over my past but I feel as if it is apart of me and if I let go of it that all my pain was meant for nothing. I don't know why but I would rather go a lifetime of suffering because I feel that is a better alternative for me personally and is more honorable to society than the alternative. I Truly for some reason don't have a quitting bone in my body and sometimes wish this wasn't the case. I think this is party due to spite and hate and the fact I cant believe all this was meant for nothing.

Note: Monetization is allowed, just credit me, ask before making any changes, and send a link to the audio. Also, there are 831 words of dialogue
Context: You are a knight that was once in love with a magic user. Unfortunately, you had to slay them because they betrayed you. One night, as you try to spend some time with your new lover, someone familiar seeks you out. They are seeking revenge!
Note: 831 words of dialogue
[Feet walking on ground] Well, well, well. What do we have here? Two little love birds kissing behind a tree? How scandalous! You two should really get a room.
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What’s with the staring? Did you really think I’d look the same as the day you killed and buried me in that grave? That's not how resurrection works darling. As you can clearly see, I’m all bones but I managed to keep my luscious locks. Apparently even as an undead lich, I still look gorgeous.
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Your new love interest is quite… underwhelming. To be completely honest darling, I never expected you to move on so quickly. Especially after all we shared together. Now I see you cuddling up with this pathetic little thing. You clearly have downgraded. If you wanted to find a new lover, perhaps you should have found someone more worth your time.
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Do not talk to her like that? Please darling, you lost all rights to boss me around once you betrayed and killed me. I can talk to her however I please. [Talking to Listener's new lover] Listen sweetie, your knight in shining armor is a slug that only cares about themselves. The moment they are tired of you, they will cast you aside like garbage. Just like they did to me. If you’re lucky, they’ll make your ending painless.
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From your expression you clearly have forgotten about what you did to me. You, the person I loved the most, pierced my heart with a sword and tossed me into a pauper's grave! I gave you everything! My heart, my soul, everything!
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Do not give me that! I did not betray you. You betrayed me. Stabbed me in the back when I least expected it. And to think that the king knighted you.
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Yes, I do expect an explanation. Why did you do it?
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Because of Raven Brook? What about that stupid, little, backwater town?
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I destroyed it? [Barking Laugh] But of course, they deserved it. Plotting to kill me and my family. The bunch of traitors. You would think they would be grateful for everything I did for them. Turns out they repay safety and mercy with death and destruction. Ungrateful peasants, the lot of them.
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(Hurt and accusatory) Innocent people?! Don't make me laugh! You should have seen what they said about my family. Actually, you did see what they did when we walked through the town on official business for the king. They threw garbage at me! Called me horrible names. Witch, harlot, demon, and every other name in the book. And not once did you defend me. Not once did you shield me from the hurtful words or projectiles. It makes me wonder… did you also see me as a monster? Is that why it was so easy for you to kill me? I didn't see any tears on your face when you made the fatal blow. Only a cold mask.
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Don’t even bother trying to defend yourself. You have no leg to stand on, nothing to say that can fix all of this. However, there is something you can do…sacrifice yourself.
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I mean, tis only fair. You killed me for defending my family, I kill you for stabbing me in the back. If you’d like, your new little girlfriend can watch.
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Let her go free? I don’t think so. Can’t have any witnesses darling. Afterall, that’s the first step of a revenge plan.
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(Mocking) Aww! How sweet is this? Your little lady friend is using her own body to shield you. Isn’t that just precious. If I had a heart, it would be bursting at the sight. Too bad though, I need to dispose of her.
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Now what to do with her? There are so many possibilities. I can feed her to my pets or toss her into the void. I could make her watch your demise, but I’d rather see your fear as you wonder about her fate. I’ll just stick her in one of my shadow pockets to be disposed of later.
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[Talking to Listener’s new Lover] Now my dear, please hold still while I make sure you don’t escape.
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[Clanking of chains] Hey! Hey! Don’t struggle or else these chains will tighten. Wouldn’t want your pretty skin to be ruined, now would we?
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Now that’s better. Little Miss heroine is all chained up and ready to be tossed into my shadow pocket.
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How do I still have my magic? My dear sweet hero, you forgot the most important rule before burying a magic user: Cut off their head before burying them. It would seem that the moment I left the world of the living, you forgot all about me. That includes everything I taught you.
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What am I going to do to you? (Smirk) That answer is very simple: I am going to break you like you broke my heart. I’ll tear you apart bit by bit. You’ll feel all the pain I felt when you betrayed me and buried me in that pauper’s grave. And don’t worry about your new girlfriend. I’ll take care of her later. Prepare for your worst nightmare, my dear knight.

I'm trying to decide if I'll be buying a Kobo or a Kindle for myself, and if I get a Kobo I'll probably also get one for my aunt (she already has a Kindle, and I was sneakily asking her about it (to see if she'd also like the Kobo, since you can't borrow library books on Kindle here in Australia), and it sounds like she would. But I don't want to get her one if I don't know how to use it, since she not not of an age where technology comes easy to her, and she lives too far away for me to give her hands on help (which is how I work best).
I like that I can borrow library books on Kobo, but I also like that Kindle has so many books to choose from.
So my questions are:

• How large is Kobo's selection of purchasable books?
  
• How easy is it to borrow/read library books? What's the process for this?
  
• Does adjusting the light settings help make reading/viewing images better? I've heard they aren't as crisp as the black and white eReaders.
  
• How good/bad is the screen? ⤵️
  

I've seen reviews, and while I personally don't have an issue with the colours looking less saturated "like newspaper print" (so long as you can't see the actual pixels, like you can with a newspapers), I'm not sure how my aunt will go with it, since her eyesight isn't as good as it used to be (she wears reading glasses).
I've also seen reviews where they say there are streaks on the screen, but I can never actually see them. How noticeable is this? Does it interfere with the reading experience?

• Out of the BW and colour, which do you prefer, and why?

Hi there I'm a student who just finished 12th grade. I'd like to pursue BTech CSE only. I kinda flunked my jee and got a half-decent score in cbse boards.
My cutoff for TNEA (pcm) is 188. I've written VITEEE and got a decent rank with which im getting VIT Vellore CSE core at cat 3. I also did well in MET for Manipal University and should be getting cse/cse spec there too. Preparing for BITSAT rn but really not sure how that's gonna go considering the competition this year.
Recently I was looking at SSN stats and I was pretty taken surprised about the avg package of ssn (16+ lpa) which is miles better than a lot of NITs+VIT and pretty close to BITS too. Is this really true?
I understand as a cbse student with a relatively bad score of 188 it might be hard for me to get ssn thru TNEA but I heard about their management quota through their aptitude test, should I go for it? Should I try for SSN, is it that good as the placement reports indicate or should I stick with VIT vellore?
I understand its a tad bit expensive but the placements look good esp the upper end of the spectrum with substantial amount of offers from microsoft and amazon among other companies.
I would also like to know about the campus life exposure etc at SSN.
Is there any other college that I should be considering but have overlooked?
Can anyone shed some light on this and help me out.

I'm planning on upgrading my old D3300 which I use with Nikkor DX primes (mainly DX AF-S 35mm F1.8), to a FF mirrorless body with a higher quality lens to match, probably a Sigma Art 35mm F1.4.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the D3300 doesn't have autofocus or something that is compatible with the Sigma Art 35mm so I'll need to upgrade the body if I'm going for that lens?
I can't rent to try out the new combo, but how noticeable will the difference be using a higher quality lens etc? Anyone made a similar jump? Do you feel it was worth it?
I know it's the photographer more than the equipment that makes a photo, currently my photos are not bad, but I feel could be a bit sharper, in low light photos can be a bit grainy sometimes etc. I do a mix of portrait type shots of family, indoors, outdoors, products etc.. just hobby use. The D3300 is kinda annoying to use without a flip screen and without wifi and little things like that, so I figure it's worth upgrading there as well as the lens.
Any thoughts?

For context, my bf and I have been together for a little under a year. We moved in together relatively soon into the relationship because of convenience regarding our daily commute and whatnot. We are both pretty busy due to college, work, etc. We use two separate bathrooms and his is connected to the guestroom while I use the one in our bedroom. I do all of the laundry and vacuuming and we split dishes basically 50/50, while he often cooks at night.
One of my cousins (Sandy) were coming to visit for a few days and they told me a month in advance - when I knew about their arrival I told my bf asap and asked if he could clean his bathroom before Sandy came over. He agreed at the time and wanted to clean around the week before Sandy was going to arrive. However things got busy for him and he didn't think he had time to clean the washroom anymore. I felt kind of rushed because she was coming over in a few days and I didn't want my guest to use a dirty bathroom - Again I told him that he would have to clean the washroom he was using before X date. He eventually did and I was very glad about it, but the next day he got upset and said that he didn't have the time to do it but did it anyways to please me essentially, and this made him behind on the work he needed to catch up on. To add on, I also bought us takeout that night since he said if he cleaned he wouldn't have the time to cook, and I was ok with that.
For more information, I typically clean a little bit as I'm brushing my teeth or something, not letting toothpaste get stuck to the sink, etc, it's not perfect but not difficult to just wipe down in 15-20 minutes. However he kind of just lets it build up so there was pink mold and some stains on the toilet which I guess would take a little longer to scrub down. He was upset I didn't offer to help, but then I said that if he wanted help he could've asked me and I would be willing to - then he said it wasn't about "him asking me" but rather the thought that counts. I also said I didn't know the extent of how busy he was but also made it a point that I told him a month in advance so he could've done it whenever, but he chose leave it for later. He said he didn't know that things were going to pile up and he was going to get so busy. A little further down the conversation, he voiced that since it was my guest, I can be the one to clean his washroom, so basically, a lot of the conversation revolved around how busy he was and that I wasn't being considerate of his timeline. Also, he said that I could've reminded him throughout the month about the guest so he could clean but this felt like he was pushing the responsibility onto me in some ways, and I have brought up the guest multiple times in conversation before so I am not really sure why this was a point to be made. In the past, he's also said he doesn't get bothered by the dirty washroom/living environment and that if it bothers me, I should be the one to clean it, then he bring up the living room and how sometimes it's full with the craft materials I bring home but he doesn't tell me to clean because it doesn't bother him.
I was quiet for a bit and he asked what I was thinking and I said that maybe it would be better for him to move back in with his parents because the cleaning situation is not working out and since he is so busy it would be better. The conversation escalated and he said he doesn't want to be with me anymore. After a while I said I was sorry for suggesting that because I didn't mean to kick him out (it's my apt, he doesn't pay rent, we split groceries) and he said it made him feel bad because it sounded like I didn't want to live with him anymore.
I felt kind of confused and a little upset as well by the end of the conversation and I'm truly wondering if it is my responsibility to clean his washroom when I have a guest over. I do acknowledge his difficult schedule but I also feel like I gave him a fair amount of time. I want to address this situation again with him in a few days but I'm scared it's going to get heated like it did before. Please let me know how I should proceed the next conversation? Should I even bring it up again?
TL;DR - my boyfriend was upset that I told him to clean his washroom before a guest arrives and he suggested that I could be more considerate and if I was bothered by the grime I could be the one to do it since he is busy at this time.

Hey guys,
I've finally decided to take the plunge myself and wanted to share my experience with Endo Peak after using it for the past 3 months.
Click here to check out Endo Peak!
Look, let's be real. My confidence in the bedroom department had been dipping for a while. There were nights things just wouldn't get going, and let's just say my stamina wasn't what it used to be. It was affecting my relationship and honestly, my self-esteem.
I did a ton of research before picking Endo Peak. What convinced me was the focus on natural ingredients and the solid money-back guarantee. Figured, why not give it a shot?
Here's the good:

• Rock Solid: Let's start with the main event. I've noticed a significant improvement in firmness. No more morning glory situations, you know what I mean?
• Endurance Boost: I can definitely last longer in the bedroom now. No more flagging halfway through, which has been a major confidence booster.
• More Zip: Honestly, I wasn't expecting this, but I've got more energy overall. Workouts feel easier, and I just generally feel more awake throughout the day.

Click here to check out Endo Peak!
Now, for the not-so-bad:

• Slow and Steady: It took about 4-6 weeks before I really noticed a difference. Consistency is key here, folks.
• Patience is a Virtue: My partner says my size has increased a bit, but it's definitely a gradual change. Don't expect overnight miracles.

Overall:
Endo Peak has been a game-changer for me. It's not a magic pill, but it's definitely made a positive difference in my s*x life and overall well-being. If you're looking for a natural solution to boost your performance, I'd recommend giving it a try. Just remember, it takes time and consistency to see results.

So I’ve been seeing my therapist for two years now, and we haven’t had many issues for the most part. But I have noticed a pattern of my therapist bringing up the topic of power struggles/imbalances, and it always leaves me feeling very confused. For example, a while back after my first dog passed away, I tried to explain to her that it was hard for me to navigate our sessions bc I was so drained, and I asked her if she could help guide me through it by asking direct questions, etc, so it would be less overwhelming. Her response really caught me off guard bc she was acting very defensively and kept talking about power struggles, I felt like she was accusing me of questioning her ability to treat me, all bc i said it was too overwhelming to have the ball thrown entirely in my court every session, and it made me really angry, I felt so invalidated/degraded. That conversation definitely affected my trust in her and overall comfortability in therapy, I didnt feel like it was safe to keep bringing up so I tried to just move on, but as time went on I noticed that since it was never resolved, it was bleeding into the present, bc I stopped feeling like I could be completely honest but never addressed it again. I made the decision recently to bite the bullet and talk to her about it…. it didnt go well.
I am now even more confused and hurt than before bc I don’t understand what I did to warrant my therapist to respond so out of charecter, she is usually such an amazing listener, but today when I was trying to explain the situation, she became extremely defensive before I could even finish what I was saying. She thought I was accusing her of lacking empathy when my dog passed away, and that wasn’t at all what I even said, but she jumped in and snapped at me before I even finished what I was saying. I tried to clarify things, but it became increasingly harder to do so without crying, bc I didn’t understand why she was so frustrated with me. I never once raised my voice, or anything of the short but she just kept saying she didn’t understand and she was confused, no matter how many times I tried to clarify things. She then, once again kept bringing up power struggles, and mentioned that I apparently have this pattern of challenging/questioning her, in a way that isn’t helpful every couple of weeks, and she mentioned this was in her notes.
I seriously don’t get it, how does questioning a therapist automatically mean you are trying to engage in a power struggle? And how is anything I said even questioning her? She also, mentioned feeling devalued, and said that bringing up things from the past is passive agressive even if i don’t feel like it is. I felt like she wasn’t allowing me to have my own thoughts/feelings about any of this, bc even though I tried to clarify what I meant/my intentions, she was still defensive. I feel completely defeated, like no matter what I do it’s just going to lead to what is actually an argument, even though it’s not technically. My therapist always tells me any feedback is good feedback and that no emotions are bad, she won’t personalize anything, etc. But doesn’t her behavior kind of seem like she is taking it personally? bc if she wasn’t, then why is she getting so defensive?
Also, not to mention my therapist knows that I have a hard time confronting something in the moment, due to issues in my family/social life, I’ve sort of been programmed to feel like it’s unsafe to say something in the moment, and it’s better to bring it up later. So to be told it’s passive agressive when she knows why I do it, makes it even more hurtful.
My therapist also randomly brought up the fact that I have resentment issues with healthcare providers bc of past medical neglect, and experience with doctors dismissing me, etc. (I’m chronically ill) and she said it in a way where it was like she was trying to blame my feelings on that, instead of accepting that she had hurt me personally, I felt like I was being gaslit.
But What really struck me, was the fact that she accused me of being passive aggressive and then wouldn’t accept that it wasn’t my intention, but then proceeded to make a passive aggressive comment at the end of our session, about how she wasn’t going to say what she had been thinking bc it “would sound nasty” like exuse me??
I just don’t understand how she could be so frustrated with me for apparently making therapy about her, but then proceeded to make the entire session about how she felt. That’s extremely hypocritical to me and imo comes off like she’s developed a superiority complex, like she can talk about herself when she’s offended and she needs clarification, but when I’m offended and I need clarification, I’m not allowed to ask for it bc then I’m trying to be the therapist. How does that make sense?
I just feel so hurt and invalidated, I’ve been through hell this past year and I’m currently going through the most difficult time in my life, bc I lost my grandpa recently, This definitely didn’t help.
Anyway, thanks in advance for any insight y’all might provide lol, but I just want to say before anyone suggests finding a different therapist, that isn’t going to be helpful. My therapist has been with me through hell and back and she genuinely knows everything about me, things I’ve never even told anyone about. This isn’t the normal at all, I’ve thanked god for her every night bc she’s helped me so much, so her behavior was very out charecter and I want to be able to work things out and talk through it with her. Having to start over when I am in hardcore grief right now, would be a disaster, I don’t have the mental capacity for it, I’ve been considered inpatient treatment bc of how crippling my depression has been, it wouldn’t be a good idea to start over .

Note: Monetization is allowed, just credit me, ask before making any changes, and send a link to the audio. Also all credit for the Star Wars universe goes to George Lucas and to Disney
Second Note: I don’t have any sound effects in mind for this. You are free to don’t whatever you want in regards to that.
1,089 words of dialogue
Context: A Jedi Knight comes into the Coruscant Jedi Archives, looking for information about the Sith. A certain Librarian offers her help. However, there is something dark about her.
Afternoon Jedi Knight. How can I be of service to you today?
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You want some information about the planet of Moraband, in the Horuset star system. Any particular reason, if you don’t mind me asking?
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You’re interested in the history of the Sith. Are you sure you should be interacting with this kind of information? That planet holds a great deal of dark power. A Jedi Knight such as yourself shouldn’t put themselves on a potential path of temptation. You could be swayed to the dark side.
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I see. So you think you could resist the dark side, even if you came near the planet? Don’t be foolish.
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Alright, alright, I can’t control what you do. Just be careful.
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Good. Now, this information should be in the restricted section. You will need to get special clearance to access those records, unfortunately.
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I’m sorry, Chief Librarian Jocasta Nu enforces this rule. It’s to make sure those materials never fall into the wrong hands. However… I could possibly let you in there for a little bit under my supervision.
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Yes, technically this is breaking the rules. But, Master Nu never said I couldn’t let someone in there while I supervise them. That way you can’t do anything stupid in there.
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Look, I may be a librarian but I can still use the force and use a lightsaber. I just decided to work in the library instead of being on the battlefield. Books and knowledge are more of my strong suit.
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Yes, I will take you to the restricted section now. We’ll just go through this door and down the hall.
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Of course not many know these rooms exist here. Only staff, council members, and those with permission are allowed back here. Back here, we mainly keep materials that are fragile, rare, or too dangerous.
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Hmmm? Are you ok?
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You can sense something through that door. What do you feel, exactly?
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A dark presence. (Thinks to self) Almost have him in my clutches. He’s already interested in the history of the Sith, so it won’t be long before the dark side take ahold. And he and I can finally be together
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Oh! I’m alright, just thinking about something. Actually, would you like to take a look inside that room?
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It wouldn’t be a problem at all. I’ll be here to make sure nothing bad happens. Let me just open the door for you. There you go!
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It seems that you’re surprised. Haven’t you ever seen a Sith holocron before?
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I see, so you saw hologram examples during your history lessons as a youngling. That does make a lot of sense. While the order teaches us that Sith holocrons are dangerous, I have noticed that they don’t go into much detail about what they contain.
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(Chuckle) Of course you would be curious about where I got this wonderful artifact. I obtained it during my travels a few years ago. I’ve always been curious about the Sith. It all started when I found some information about Darth Nihilus and Jedi Knight Revan. Two honorable men who fought to protect the old republic from the Mandalorian invaders. And what do they get in return? They are seen as dangerous and lost to the darkside. All because they decided to go against the council’s orders about fighting the Mandalorians and went to Malachor V. They understood both the light and dark sides of the force and those cowards on the Jedi council accused them of being seduced by the darkness!
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Sorry, I lost my composure for a minute there. As I was saying, these two historical figures inspired me to look deeper at the Sith and all that they stand for. The Jedi are taught that passion, love, and any form of disobedience are signs of one being corrupted by the dark side. I don’t agree with these teachings.
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You’re very observant, my dear Jedi Knight. I got this lovely holocron from the Sith temple on Geddes, and as for how I managed to find it, I stumbled upon some old star charts and figured out the temple’s location. I won’t divulge who I got ahold of the holocron, but all that matters is that you can now open it.
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Yes, you. I’ve been studying you for a while. Everyone else doesn't seem to notice darkness within you, but I do. I can sense the longing and passion stirring within your soul. Which is why I think you have the potential to be a powerful Sith warrior.
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My eyes? What about them? Oh! You’re the first to finally notice their color. I may or may not have studied some darkside techniques and subsequently had my eyes change color to this lovely yellow color
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Then why still work at the Jedi temple? Well, obviously I need to work on dismantling the jedi order from the inside. Now, why don’t you open the holocron?
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You don’t use the darkside of the force? That can easily be changed. Channel all your anger, frustration, passion, and love.
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(Teeth Gritted) I. Said. Channel. It.
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Good. Now focus and push all of those emotions and passion into the holocron.
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Its working! Its working! (Evil laugh). How do you feel?
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Powerful? Lovely, now lets see what is inside.
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I haven’t looked inside yet. I wanted my new love to be the first to open it.
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Yes, you’re the love of my life. I said I’ve been observing you for a while. I love everything about you. Your beautiful eyes, your swoon-causing smile, your perfectly tousled hair. Also, your interest in the Sith made you all that more attractive to me. I know you and I would be a lovely Sith couple.
….
Now, as for what's inside this holocron, it looks like there are some personal logs, some star charts, and ...wait a minute? That is actually in here?
….
It has some instructions on how to use Sith magic, mainly incantations for necromancy, protection, and even using the force to twist living creatures to one's will. I’ve been interested in Sith Magic for a while now. Using the force to do the impossible, going to where even the cowardly Jedi won’t go, this would make me feel like I can take on the Galaxy itself. And with this holocron, I’m one step closer to taking down the Jedi order. Will you join me, my love?
….
You’re actually interested in this? Excellent! I knew you were the one for me. You and I will eradicate the Jedi and show the Galaxy the true power of the force. I love you, my darling Sith Knight (Evil Chuckle)

My mother in law lives in a different state so she doesn’t get so see my son often. The last time she saw him in person was February 4th. She flew in yesterday and came by when my husband was working and I answered the door holding him and he was shy (of course) and she immediately tried to grab him from me but he was pulling away and wanting me. And she forced him out of my arms and took him. He was uncomfortable and I just wanted him to be comfortable. I admit we both have separation anxiety from each other. I have diagnosed PPD and PPA and I currently take medicine for the PPD but not the PPA. So I just try my hardest every day to be okay even tho I’m terrified about everything including the possibilities of something happening to him. Anyways, there were just multiple instances of her trying to grab him when he wants me. Now he does play with her and want her when I tell him it’s okay or when he gets comfortable but then he will have enough and want me. I know he does love her though. He only falls asleep in my arms and he’s fallen asleep in her arms a few times. I feel bad for feeling this way and being stressed because she does love all 3 of us very much and this is her first time being a grandma and she clearly loves it but I feel like she’s trying to force it. So today my friend invited me and my mother in law to go swimming with her and her baby brother and since my mother in law didn’t tell me what time she was planning on coming over I just texted her saying I will be gone with Felix at the pool and I invited her to come with but she said she didn’t bring her swim suit. A few min later she texted again asking if I wanted her to pick up Felix and take him to her mom’s house which is 30 min away so I can get some rest. (He’s also not familiar with his great grandma since she doesn’t reach out and we only come over when we have enough time to ask.) I do appreciate that because for the past few months I’ve been dealing with some very serious symptoms and cancer runs in my family so I’m already a paranoid person because of it and it’s way worse now that I have a wonderful husband and beautiful baby boy. (I am seeing doctors in the specialties of my symptoms and I have tests scheduled already). I’ve been incredibly tired for the past couple months no matter how much sleep I get and my eyes have been super droopy. I look high but I swear I’m not 😆. And I’m losing a lot of weight unintentionally. I lost 5 pounds this week and 30 in the past 2 months. So I’m just giving you an idea of how I’m struggling. So I kindly told her no and that he absolutely loves the pool and seeing him happy makes my heart melt. So she came over when I was finished hanging out with my friend and my husband was home at that time and she told us that she would be taking him on Thursday (basically tomorrow. It’s almost midnight 😆) and going to go see her friend…a person I know absolutely nothing about. When she left I told my husband I wasn’t okay with it because he’s still a baby and I have no idea who this person is. He thinks I don’t trust her but it’s not that at all. She did a very good job raising my husband. It’s that I don’t trust strangers. And I’m not saying she has horrible friends cause I don’t think she does. We are all Mormon (she’s incredibly involved in the church and in her faith. Way more than me) and we live in the Mormon state but there’s a lot of info surfacing about people in the church that seem like they’re a safe person but in reality they’re not. Read this as an example https://kutv.com/amp/news/local/provo-parents-arrested-after-alleged-rape-of-teen-daughter-utah-county-sexual-assault I just don’t know who I can trust. I myself am a rpe and sx traffic survivor. And it happened by people that were in my adopted family. I just have a lot of trauma. I do have a lot of mental illnesses that make it hard and painful to live including bipolar 1 and BPD. I’m just a very on edge person but no anxiety med works. I just feel like everyone has a dark side and I want to be with my son so that nothing happens. The world is a scary place and he’s too young and innocent to understand. He’s too young to control his emotions. He just knows “hey I’m feeling uncomfortable. I want my mom” or “I’m gonna cry because I’m having a hard time”. And I’m always there to make him happy again. I feel that he’s too young to be with people he doesn’t know for a day without his comfort. If it was just her taking him out for a few hours I would still be uncomfortable but I’d let them go and just ask for hourly check in’s and pictures. But I wouldn’t be comfortable with him gone from me for a day. I don’t want to intrude on her time with her friend but if she asked me to come with I would. I would be so much more comfortable if they came to my condo and they could all hang in the living room and I’ll just be resting on my bed. I just don’t want my infant being away from me with someone he’s not quite familiar with and someone he nor I have ever met.
I should clarify I do love my mother in law…even tho she can be intense. She’s always made me feel welcome and she buys me any clothes I want, she buys my husband and plane tickets to see them, she makes any food I want homemade, she goes on trips across the world and buys us stuff she thinks we would like or find cool (we do), and she spoils my son so much.
I’m so sorry if this doesn’t make sense. It’s very late at night and my eyes are barely open I’m so tired 😅
Please no negative comments. This is a post for advice.

So I’ve been seeing my therapist for two years now, and we haven’t had many issues for the most part. But I have noticed a pattern of my therapist bringing up the topic of power struggles/imbalances, and it always leaves me feeling very confused. For example, a while back after my first dog passed away, I tried to explain to her that it was hard for me to navigate our sessions bc I was so drained, and I asked her if she could help guide me through it by asking direct questions, etc, so it would be less overwhelming. Her response really caught me off guard bc she was acting very defensively and kept talking about power struggles, I felt like she was accusing me of questioning her ability to treat me, all bc i said it was too overwhelming to have the ball thrown entirely in my court every session, and it made me really angry, I felt so invalidated/degraded. That conversation definitely affected my trust in her and overall comfortability in therapy, I didnt feel like it was safe to keep bringing up so I tried to just move on, but as time went on I noticed that since it was never resolved, it was bleeding into the present, bc I stopped feeling like I could be completely honest but never addressed it again. I made the decision recently to bite the bullet and talk to her about it…. it didnt go well.
I am now even more confused and hurt than before bc I don’t understand what I did to warrant my therapist to respond so out of charecter, she is usually such an amazing listener, but today when I was trying to explain the situation, she became extremely defensive before I could even finish what I was saying. She thought I was accusing her of lacking empathy when my dog passed away, and that wasn’t at all what I even said, but she jumped in and snapped at me before I even finished what I was saying. I tried to clarify things, but it became increasingly harder to do so without crying, bc I didn’t understand why she was so frustrated with me. I never once raised my voice, or anything of the short but she just kept saying she didn’t understand and she was confused, no matter how many times I tried to clarify things. She then, once again kept bringing up power struggles, and mentioned that I apparently have this pattern of challenging/questioning her, in a way that isn’t helpful every couple of weeks, and she mentioned this was in her notes.
I seriously don’t get it, how does questioning a therapist automatically mean you are trying to engage in a power struggle? And how is anything I said even questioning her? She also, mentioned feeling devalued, and said that bringing up things from the past is passive agressive even if i don’t feel like it is. I felt like she wasn’t allowing me to have my own thoughts/feelings about any of this, bc even though I tried to clarify what I meant/my intentions, she was still defensive. I feel completely defeated, like no matter what I do it’s just going to lead to what is actually an argument, even though it’s not technically. My therapist always tells me any feedback is good feedback and that no emotions are bad, she won’t personalize anything, etc. But doesn’t her behavior kind of seem like she is taking it personally? bc if she wasn’t, then why is she getting so defensive?
Also, not to mention my therapist knows that I have a hard time confronting something in the moment, due to issues in my family/social life, I’ve sort of been programmed to feel like it’s unsafe to say something in the moment, and it’s better to bring it up later. So to be told it’s passive agressive when she knows why I do it, makes it even more hurtful.
My therapist also randomly brought up the fact that I have resentment issues with healthcare providers bc of past medical neglect, and experience with doctors dismissing me, etc. (I’m chronically ill) and she said it in a way where it was like she was trying to blame my feelings on that, instead of accepting that she had hurt me personally, I felt like I was being gaslit.
But What really struck me, was the fact that she accused me of being passive aggressive and then wouldn’t accept that it wasn’t my intention, but then proceeded to make a passive aggressive comment at the end of our session, about how she wasn’t going to say what she had been thinking bc it “would sound nasty” like exuse me??
I just don’t understand how she could be so frustrated with me for apparently making therapy about her, but then proceeded to make the entire session about how she felt. That’s extremely hypocritical to me and imo comes off like she’s developed a superiority complex, like she can talk about herself when she’s offended and she needs clarification, but when I’m offended and I need clarification, I’m not allowed to ask for it bc then I’m trying to be the therapist. How does that make sense?
I just feel so hurt and invalidated, I’ve been through hell this past year and I’m currently going through the most difficult time in my life, bc I lost my grandpa recently, This definitely didn’t help.
Anyway, thanks in advance for any insight y’all might provide lol, but I just want to say before anyone suggests finding a different therapist, that isn’t going to be helpful. My therapist has been with me through hell and back and she genuinely knows everything about me, things I’ve never even told anyone about. This isn’t the normal at all, I’ve thanked god for her every night bc she’s helped me so much, so her behavior was very out charecter and I want to be able to work things out and talk through it with her. Having to start over when I am in hardcore grief right now, would be a disaster, I don’t have the mental capacity for it, I’ve been considered inpatient treatment bc of how crippling my depression has been, it wouldn’t be a good idea to start over

Long story - but I ended up with a new client that lied to me, took advantage of me, tried to manipulate me, and then - when I billed them for the website I had produced for them, despite all their BS - they ghosted me. The site is now in maintenance mode. Yelp, Facebook, and Google Small Business list them as temporarily closed. And - I understand that I will never see a dime for the time and effort I put into this, but part of me wants to unleash all the demons of hell and burn their stupid business to the ground. They are not able to make enough to support the place as is, and it's a college joint, so they'll be dead empty in a week - but I am really struggling to let things take their inevitable course. I feel at risk of bringing down a lot of bad Karma on myself. I did a spell last night to help me accept this as a loss and move on - but I am really struggling to let it go. :(

Per Sam and John’s request on Livestream… Background: My parents had been married over 30 years, they had gotten together in the late 80s and married when my mom (now 67) was diagnosed with cancer. This resulted in my adoption a few years later since mom couldn’t have kids after the chemo. Fast forward to 2019 and I (29f at the time) am getting ready to fully move out (i stayed home for a while bc after college I became my grandparents caregiver until they both passed). I had spent all day looking at apartments and was exhausted so I announced I was headed to bed early. My father (70 at the time) also announced he was going to bed too. Now it wasn’t unusual for him to go to bed early but I had noticed him taking his VR headset into bed several nights in a row after stopping in his office. I had had some suspicions of what was happening but also didn’t want to know bc…well ew! But that night as I laid in bed I could hear moaning coming from his office and was confused. I went in and saw an open to what I am pretty sure was an OF page or something to that extent with a bar across the screen reading VR active. I was already sufficiently grossed out and then head the woman on screen say my fathers name and knew this wasn’t just some downloaded porn but some kinda personalized video. No longer sleepy I went back downstairs and sat with my mom (who was sleeping downstairs bc of an injury) and gently tried to lead her in the right direction, “isn’t it weird that dad goes to bed with his VR set when the charger is not in the bedroom?” Mom kinda brushed it off at the time but now the cat was out of the bag for me and a few days later I not only heard the moaning again but earlier that day I was printing an application off his computer and I noticed a not well his folder labels XXX. Why I did this to myself I do t know but I clicked it and there were HUNDREDS of saved videos and chat logs with his favorite cam girl. When I heard him on the VR again I couldn’t handle it bc I could hear him too so I went downstairs and asked mom if she thought about what I had said days prior. She shrugged and said that whatever he is doing is his business. I then dropped the ball “even if he is paying for explicit videos from a cam girl?” Mom was obviously taken aback but again brushed it off. “Well…I guess that’s understandable. He hasn’t slept with me since I had chemo.” Meaning they hadn’t had any sexy sleep time since before I was born. I was floored but she told me to not mention it. But about a week later I found her sobbing. I asked her what was going on and she said that she felt betrayed at my dad sneaking these videos and paying for them without even attempting to be with her. I asked why she didn’t initiate and she said after chemo and everything it physically hurt to have relations. She tried several times over the years but eventually gave up trying and my dad just never tried after she told him it was painful. So I comforted my mom and she did eventually confront him about the cam girl and the video collection, which he denied and I had to tell him he didn’t mute the computer and I saw the video file and two videos at least. He got angry at me for snooping. Mom yelled at him to not try and turn it on me, and at some point asked “when did you stop caring about me and loving me” and the AUDACITY of this man to say “don’t ask me that because you won’t like the answer.” Mom now lives with me and my partner in our apartment. Father lives back in his home state near the kids that were actually his. His oldest daughter (from his first marriage) told me I was a bitch and entitled for taking my mom’s side (along with many other awful things but that’s for another post) and called my mother a bad wife for not standing by her husband. I am now no contact with my sister and ultra low contact with my father. We are struggling a lot, but mom is doing better (with plans for therapy now that her health care covers it finally), I am in therapy as well, and am happy with my partner whom my mom and two cats adore. Next step…set mom up with our favorite old man, John lmao! 😂

So I was originally going to post this earlier but there been an update so I’ll post both.
Original post:
I have let my FF use get the worst it’s ever been, doing 9-10 a day for about a month. About 6 days ago I decided I needed to taper. So I did 6.5 bottles a day for 3 days in a row. Then that 3rd night I got really sick and started vomiting and felt weak and achy and had the chills and felt like I had the flu. I couldn’t sleep at all. So the next day I took 9 but still felt pretty bad all day. I was paranoid that these symptoms were just a result of me tapering which was very disheartening because if I felt this bad after cutting by ~35% I didn’t know how I would ever quit. Then this morning I felt so good that I realized I must have just had the actual flu and it was not due to the taper. Which was a total mind F%#*.
Update: So today I felt really great all day and maybe it was rebound happiness from not feeling as horrible as I did the day before. So I only took 5 and now here I am vomiting again and feeling horrible and can’t sleep. Which does not seem like the flu to Leave and then come back. So my usage was basically 10-10-10-10-10-6.5-6.5-6.5 (got sick) 9(felt better) 5(got sick)
So my question is: has anyone gotten violently ill, like vomiting just from tapering 30%? It seems weird that the first time it would take 3 days for it to happen instead of the first day. Unless it’s delayed reaction. It could also be mild food poisoning as I think I ate smoked salmon both days but not the day in between when I started to feel better.

I love my mummy. She grew me from her insides, encased by the flesh that we share. She nourished me with the liquid pulsing through her rotten body. Together we play games, mummy shows me how to make dolls from the scraps of daddy’s meat, pretty girl dolls with long floppy limbs that reek of decay. I don’t like mummy after the sun goes down. She tells me we can’t make dolls anymore, tells me my dolls are stupid. At night I hide. I have to find a different hiding spot tonight; mummy found my last one at sunrise. I can see the claw marks from when she found me in the linen cupboard. Long nails attached to long fingers, penetrating the cheap wooden door until there was nothing but torn up paint and inch deep fleshless lacerations.
The sun is setting. The final flash of orange sky and her eyes will gloss over like daddy’s did when mummy found him. Wet film slicked over green ovals of empty rage. She still looks like mummy, only her mouth is a tight line that reaches from ear to ear and it can’t open very well. It’s all muffled words now. Mummy looks like a tree after the sun sets. Her arms and her legs grow longer, they get too heavy so she hunches over. I am going to hide under her bed. Daddy’s bulge is hidden under there. Mummy keeps it a secret, but I know. Her bed is thin and much too long and her black hair is tangled up in the sheets. The scent of her sweat stained cushion lingers into my nostrils and down to my lungs as I crawl under, deeper into the dark stinking pit at the center.
I see the warm shadows from the final seconds of sun dance through the handmade curtains at her window. Mummy took the skin off daddy’s body to make those. His bellybutton, still attached to his torso skin, looks like a little crystal in the golden light. The pretty shadows disappear, and the room is black. I can hear mummy looking for me. She’s laughing through that muffled slit on her face. There is death in her eyes and a tremor in her shrieking that makes me nervous. She is angry now. I wasn’t in the linen cupboard this time. I am too smart for her.
I curl in on myself in the safety of the dark and wiggle my loose teeth in waiting. The nights are slow because I cannot sleep. I never sleep. Mummy is still running around the house looking for me, grunts of anticipation much louder, much more feral, than any wild animal. A pool of blood starts to swirl under my head where a loose tooth has fallen. Not good. Mummy smells blood as much as she craves it. The door creaks open. Two long feet stand still in the doorway, toes curling from excitement at the scent of her baby’s blood. I pray I do not end up as curtains and dolls like daddy. Mummy is on the bed; she is digging up the insides of her mattress. Maybe if I stay still enough, she won’t find me. I want to be brave, like daddy was.
I roll onto my back, there's a big hole in the mattress above my head. My eyes take seconds to adjust to the darkness above before I see Mummy’s dewy eyes beaming into mine. “My baby is here” the tight line where her mouth has been stretched starts to open slightly and she drools on me through her words. Her hand pokes through the slats in the bed and she pinches my cheeks until blood pours out. “We need more dolls, baby. We need this skin”. Warm water leaks from my eyes onto the tips of her fingers where blood gushes. She draws her hand away and I feel her tugging at my feet, grunting like an impatient child. I cannot kick, for her fingers reach from her palms to my thighs. I am paralyzed in her grip, and I let her pull me out from under my final hiding spot. I am dragged by my blood-stained hair to the backyard where mummy likes to play.
“Mummy is thirsty, baby? You can’t keep all that blood. You’re not selfish”
Her muffled words are comprehensible enough to foresee the fate at which I am now destined for. I am here to feed her, to fuel her life, as she once did me. In the way shadows chase the light, how the moon must always put the sun to rest, birth must give way to death. In turn I must give life, my flesh and bone, to the creator of my life and my light. To return to the darkness that will always encompass her. it is her right.

Throwaway account.
I would like to ask for help in possible scenarios and what other people think is more likely.
So I (35M) have been/was with my girlfriend (33F) for over a decade. Maybe once every year or two she would out of the blue say she was breaking up (sometimes wouldn't say anything and just take everything and disappear) and would disappear. The last time she said it was last year but she didn't disappear but became really distant. So it has been improving, and just this weekend everything seemed fine until Monday when she suddenly disappeared for a few hours late at night saying she was busy which is very unusual as she usually sleeps quite early, she responded to my texts briefly and seemed genuinely busy with work. Then on Tuesday she said she wanted to break up but wanted to remain friends (I asked if she had found someone else and she was genuinely surprised or acted so, this is important), so I was obviously devastated but after some short talks it seemed like she might have room to stay in the relationship or at least consider not breaking up for sure, though it seemed likely she would.
That isn't the important part, she was supposed to go on a training trip today for over a week so she was busy packing her luggage yesterday. On Monday I asked what time her flight was so I could make sure I was free to drive her to the airport and she said that I didn't need to (which was where I got really suspicious that something was up as I basically almost always drive her to the airport or any far away place/when she is transporting lots of stuff). Then yesterday when we were talking I said I'd like to eat with her before her departure and then drive her to the airport and she went oh that's good we can eat near my business (which she just opened several months ago) so I can check up on my business before I go. So we had arranged the time today that I would pick her up to go eat then check on her business before going to the airport.
Then this morning when my alarm woke me up and I checked my phone I saw a text message from her that was a few hours ago saying that she had to arrive earlier and that she just arrived at the airport. My first thought was that she just wanted to avoid me so I was sad but understood why she did it, however I then checked the rest of my notifications and saw that the plane ticket and hotel was cancelled so now I'm seriously concerned as she had been planning this training trip for a long time. Also when I dropped off some stuff for our dogs at her place I saw that the huge luggage she packed yesterday was still at home.
So now I'm concerned about if she is actually safe, and would like to ask anyone for their view/perspective to see if there may be something I'm missing or didn't think of.
The reason why I am concerned about her safety (whether safe from herself or others) is because she has been acting really weird the past few days which understandably so if she was just going to break up with me. However she had cancelled all of her appointments yesterday and this morning because she said she had a bad stomach ache (probably stress) which is very unusual for her as she is usually very hard working, the last time something similar to this happened was a few months ago when she had a mental breakdown and was about to blow up her business, clients and industry acquaintances. She also contemplated about taking her own you know (I think I can't say the word on reddit? or was that somewhere else). I eventually got her to calm down and I hope she moved on and she did seem to recover. But I'm not sure if that was all an act (should be because she generally can't act for an extended period of time as I would generally pick up on things when the inconsistencies became too frequent).
Second of all she had basically deleted all of her social media a few days ago too and when I asked her she said there were too many weirdoes approaching her and adding her and talking to her. When I asked her how could random people add you on one particular social media platform as you need to confirm their request before they can even talk to you she said I dunno I accidentally accepted them (this is why I thought she was with someone else at first along with some other stuff when she said she wanted to break up but when I listed out all the reasons she genuinely sounded surprised) it sounded really weird but after asking a few times I didn't ask more because after the first few questions she will shut down generally.
A few days ago she also removed all snacks and beverages from her business as she was afraid of getting sued which I thought was weird but understood the risks if someone got food poisoning from something you provided however unlikely as those were prepackaged items. The thing that concerned me was that she said someone told her that it's not safe but she wouldn't tell me who which was weird as she would usually say the name even though I would have no idea who it was. (Another reason why I thought she may be with someone else)
She also has some documents of mine that she was supposed to hand over when she arrived at her destination which is quite time sensitive (which she collected late last night and asked for them which I found weird as I was going to give it to her today) so she would not purposefully sabotage work related stuff.
So I'm concerned that something happened to her, whether it is another breakdown, blackmail or something. If she didn't have this trip that she planned extensively for a while which she suddenly abandoned along with the scrubbing of a lot of business related stuff (her personal social media that is private is still up just all public social media has been scrubbed) and her past breakdown I would just think that she is avoiding me or is with someone else, which is still a possibility and is actually the one I hope is the case. I'm afraid that it's something else and she is either in danger to herself or from someone else (could just be me panicking cause this situation is so weird). I'm on here to ask if anyone else has any ideas that I may have missed because I'm contemplating about going to the police (not much they can do if she just disappeared on her own with no outside interreference) but fear that I may be taking too drastic an action if in fact she is just avoiding me/with someone else and is totally safe.
TLDR: GF of over a decade broke up with me and disappeared. However circumstances makes me question if she is just avoiding me or is she in trouble.

it’s been a few days since my last letter; i have no clue what to call these rants except for what they are? letters to an abyss of bystanding entities. it makes me so sad that one day all of you will die. this exact fact is the thing that keeps me up every night and tickles tears out of my eyes all the time. i’m tormented and tortured by fatality. one day my mother will die. one day my uncles will die. one day my friends will die. one day my little cousins will die. one day i’ll die. i’ll be forgotten like 50’s actresses that got booked for a single role then never appeared in anything ever again. mortality has been familiar with me since i was a child. one of my earliest (yet funnest?) memories was attending two funerals in one day. the first funeral was for an aunt on my grandmother’s side, and the second was for a cousin on my grandfather’s side. i remember looking at all of the solemn faces as a 7 year old and simply enjoying the fact that all of my family members were hanging out together, understanding that someone has lost their life and will never come back yet not being phased by it. the first funeral i’ve cried at was my father’s. i’m pretty sure i spent that entire day crying. i was 12 when i woke up in the middle of the night to police standing outside of my bedroom door. i peaked through the crack to see so much commotion in the hallway, not knowing what to do or what to think. hours passed before my mother crept my door open with a weak voice telling me that she’d be leaving me in the house alone to go with my father to the hospital. years later she told me that she already knew he was dead based on a feeling in her stomach. that was the first time in my entire life that i had felt such deep and guttural emptiness. i realized that humans weren’t rubber bands that relied on their elasticity to keep their pacemakers on. i realized that i could die at 12 years old.
these thoughts haunted me well into my teenage years, with those years rounding off with my grandmother’s death. she was a stubborn old woman who didn’t want to see any doctors and yelled at anyone who offered her help. i knew that her time was coming close to running over well before she passed, which haunted me. logistically it made sense, but spiritually? it drove me mad. sometimes i manage to convince myself that i can predict people’s deaths in manic delusional states. sometimes i get “an itch”, then start sobbing thinking about how one of my friends is probably dying as i wipe tears from my eyes. i’m haunted by my own intuition and i question it every day. i question if i can control time and death. i question if life is even worth living if im gonna spend every minute of it waiting for the day that the birds chirp in slow motion and my breath hitches at an uncontrollable rate. i’m terrified.
i hate how much these thoughts control me. i would take any pill that allows me to not think about the concept of death for at least one day. at least one hour. at least one minute. why doesn’t anyone else feel the same way i do? people plan their future without any anxiety and i don’t understand it. why are you planning a cruise for 2 years from now when you could possibly crash in your car on the way there? why are you planning on attending undergrad school when you could get shot tomorrow? why are you beginning things that could abruptly end? why are we living just to die? what am i supposed to do with these thoughts? put them inside of my purse and eat them as snacks whenever the government decides that im too old for assistance? do i spit these words into a bottle douce them in alcohol then chug them back inside until i get poisoning and see the light? what do i do with the amount of thoughts that haunt me every night?
i can’t do anything. it’s the most freeing and dismal thing ive had to realize. i still don’t think i realize it because i cry at any thought of an end-of-the-world situation. i can’t do anything and i can’t escape. if there were a way to make people immortal scientists would’ve done it by now. i just have to accept my fate. these thoughts make me feel like a prisoner on death row screaming and pleading for the electric shock to implode on itself as soon as it reaches an inch away from my forehead. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to prevent it from making me sad every day. i want out, but i can’t get out. i don’t know how to end this letter. i just want things to get better. i want to come to terms with these thoughts instead of pushing them away. i want to be the average joe. i don’t want mortality to run my life like a big soccer game. i watch the shot clock as i hyperventilate from my bed. i don’t want to go to sleep anymore.
okay well… if there’s one positive note that i can clench onto as a send off it’s that i’m glad that we’ve invented chocolate. it’s the best creation ever. sweet treats. if humans weren’t here then there’d be no chocolate. or at least any as good as the bars i get from the grocery store. i love those. and nutella. and chocolate wafers. i’d die for one of those. i’m happy again. goodnight. sweet dreams my little mortals. we’re all gonna be alright.

Flat our we lost because of turnovers. We could have been up by 6 or 8 at half if it wasn't for the dozen turnovers. The rest of this is part rant, vent, and personal opinion/observation.
Cons first cuz this is a vent.
Kyle Anderson is worthless. He might get some steals and turnovers, but he can't do anything with them. Use Monte Morris or someone who acts as a second or third threat from the arc with edwards and Townes. Then they can't just double edwards all game.
Gobert never should have came back at all. Why was anyone thinking that would be a good idea. Has anyone ever been a new parent before? He took time to be there for the birth, which means he is there helping with the baby and getting maybe 4 hours of sleep a night. He isn't going to be 100% after that, and why risk it? Game 2 proved we didn't need him. Gobert needs rest and we need to win game 6, don't let him play. He had zero affect on Jakovic and can't hit free throws to save his sons life.
We put zero effort into stopping Jakovic tonight other then letting him walk all over Gobert. In games 1 and 2 we had constant pressure from an outside man assuring he didn't have time to lolligag and play with his feet. Someone would have been swiping at the ball taking it away while preventing a passing lane. Tonight we all stood around the arc waiting for passes that never came to double players that never needed it. When he had as many points at half as the rest of his team we should have come up with a plan for that.
Gordon seems practically useless other than someone who slams the boards, something we haven't been doing aggressively since game 2. Why don't I ever see more than 1, maybe 2 wolves attacking the boards. If we could stay more constituent with inside protection and blocking passing lanes it would solve both Gordon and Joker.
Defensively, while we looked good when attacking the ball, but we only looked 75%, no doubles, no crashing boards, no cutting off lanes or going for takeaways. Games 1 and 2 the best part of our defense was the takeaways, aggressive defense and effective offense. We haven't been playing that same level of aggressive defense since macdaniels got his 3rd foul 5 or 6 minutes into game 3.
Pros
Townes played much better, hopefully he plays like that on Thursday or were toast.
Most of our bench shot much better overall, we just didn't find enough opportunities and committed a lot of sloppy turn overs all game. Bad passes, rushed hero-like charges to the basket (Townes). The offense was most effective early on by moving the ball around and not forcing edwards to make plays but to find him open. It exposed the lack of movement in Denvers defense. They put up a good wall in the paint, but are not good at keeping up with where our guys are when everyone is moving around. This was also obvious in the first two games and something we have struggled with these last 3.
At times our defense was a thing of beauty again, and most of the game they kept us in it. We lost because of turnovers flat out. We lost the ball randomly so many times from mishandling and we can't afford to do that. At half they mentioned how we had 12 or 14 turnovers but were only down by 6. Had we not had so many turnovers we could have been up by 6 or more easily. Most turn overs came from one guy trying to make something our of nothing when he should have kept the ball moving. Something we showed we can do and did for the first 1/3rd of this game.
My opinion (stop here if you dgf)
We need to find a way to make edwards effective so Townes can play at a more relaxed pace like he did the first 1/4 of this game. We need to make them pay for doubling edwards. Use naz reid and your other guards to make 3 other threats at the arc for him to throw too. I feel like the best answer to joker is double him with Townes and Reid, they did fantastic in game 2 against him. And use NAW and Macdaniels to keep Murray ineffective while edards is keeping an eye on Gordon ready to at least box him out if needed or swing to the wing to cover from the double. That's what we did in game 2 and it obviously worked really really well. Besides that as long as the bench can shoot effectively I think we still have a chance to win this series.
TLDR: Turnovers is why we lost. Kyle Anderson sycks offensively and doesn't present tenough of a threat to be on the court, Morris would be better. Gobert should be sleeping I'm between feedings, not screwing this up for us. We didn't even try to figure out joker or Gordon by crashing the boards or causing any kind of interference. But, Townes did play better, and so did the bench, but too many turnovers didn't allow enough shots to take any kind of commanding lead. We know what we have to do and did it for awhile. Defense can play great but that doesn't matter if the offense keeps giving the ball back. All in all I still think we can win if we go back to what we were doing in game 2.

Rarely drink, never smoke.
I've had this Lil guy come and go for the past couple months. It's on my gums where a tooth was pulled years ago. I got a bridge August last year to replace it, and around February this bubble showed up. The tooth to the left of it sometimes gets a very light... pulsing? Usually coincides with it, but I don't know if that's because the tooth is the problem or the bubble swells and puts pressure on the teeth.There's no pain, nothing comes up on an x-ray, and the bubble comes and goes. Dentist said my gums look great, tapped on my teeth, no pain. Just a bubble that looks like a pimple above a tooth I don't have that will be very present one night and nearly completely gone the next morning. Is this an abscess? Are the adjacent teeth in danger? The last thing I want to do is write this off as a non-issue and risk pain or damage to my bridge. Its never gotten any bigger or worse looking than the photos.
May 14th
May 8th
April 24th
Feb 16th

Recently diagnosed bp2- was cyclothymia for a while. I've been on Lamotrigine (150mg) for a while as well as Adderall xr for ADHD. Both have been life-changing. I just started Luvox as of a few hours ago, as I went through a really horrible depressive episode (also bad OCD) the last few weeks (more like months) where I was quite seriously suicidal.
The last few days have been weird. I got 3 hours of sleep the other night and woke up feeling totally awake and great all day, then last night I got maybe 4. Today I woke up exhausted and have taken a nap, so.... that just feels normal. I've felt at points like I am one of the greatest people on the planet and a creative genius with just so much grandiosity flooding my brain but at other times just miserable and absolutely hating myself and feeling like a fat piece of shit. I'm in that right now.
It's like going to work feeling great and super confident for a few hours and then by the afternoon being more angry and irritable than I've ever been. Telling myself I'm baseline and fine, but having awareness of all these different moods. Feeling giddy with joy and talkative with ideas flowing for like 4 hours and then just being exhausted and overwhelmed and pissed off for the rest of the day. My body just fucking aches.
I feel like I have this idea of a hypomanic (or any episode) episode being just this persistent and static great feeling for like 4ish days which I've definitely had in the past pre-meds.. I think. I can't really remember. (I remember feeling FANTASTIC for like 2 weeks the first time i was on an SSRI before a mood stabilizer.) So I feel confused by this. I feel like I'm just sort of in a funk, not that I'm in an episode or anything because everything is shifting so rapidly and I feel so many things at once. Idk, I'm doubting my diagnosis, I guess.
What do mixed episodes feel like for you?

believe it or not, i dont want to die sad. but how does one die feeling happy? feeling at peace? i too do not know how, but i want to try to find the answer today. i want to sleep forever, now. so i want to try my best to give you a brief recap of how ive been suicidal and depressed till now.
to be honest i didnt know how it exactly started. when did i feel depressed? no, scratch that. when did i feel sad for no reason? ninth grade. i cant remember the specifics now, but i do remember trying to drown myself, my first attempt of suicide, because of my grades. i was 13, i felt hopeless, my mom got mad at me, and we didnt have the closeness of our relationship that we have now. i became more sad when i reached my senior year of high school, grades 11 and 12. i had my first heartbreak (cliche as it sounds) and i sabotaged all my friendships. i was a bad friend, i was getting into smoking and drinking--i made both of them my coping mechanism. i spent my days lying in bed, crying in the mornings before school started inside the bathroom stalls, i skipped classes and traveled on my own and smoke and drink--people believed i was 18. but i was 16. i was 16, but i felt like my inner machinery was already tarnished. i chased love but turned away the second they showed me that they liked me. i ran away from my friends and used them for my own benefit because i was 'sad' and that they should 'know' that because they were my 'friends'. but no. nobody deserves that kind of treatment. i was never saved that time, never told anyone how i truly felt. but when i did tell i immediately regretted it because they never understood my weight of emotions; i felt invalidated.
freshman year of college rolled through and i thought i was doing fine, but i wasn't. i wanted to be so much that i ended up overexerting myself. when it finally became too heavy for me i stayed out late, drank again, spent the night with my friends and didn't come home. the next day i told my mom that i had this urge to be alone, to disappear, and that my emotions were all so heavy that i was becoming more sad everyday that even i didn't know the reason. before i could say i wanted help, she told me instead the opposites of what i have been saying. 'ah, this must be what invalidation feels like' i thought, and thats when i knew that really, no one will understand what im going through. its the pandemic now, 2020 and im turning 18, the age of adulthood. funny enough months before that i told myself that i wanted to die, and that there was a bleach ready in out bathroom for me to try out. i thought back then, dying at 18 would be nice because it would spare me the pains of adulthood. my birthday came, i felt heavy when i woke up; i finally decided, you know. my mind was made up. but then i woke up and i hear my dad calling my mom on the phone and asking her if i was already awake, my mom sounded giddy, excited, and told my dad that i haven't woke up yet and that there's too much food on the table she's excited on how ill react. i cried. they were downstairs celebrating my birthday but i was stuck in bed thinking of ways to unalive myself. in the end i came down, wiped my tears, celebrated my birthday normally, posed for some pictures, and called it a day. that was the day i started dreading having to celebrate my birthday. same year, october, i called the suicide hotline with pills in my hand, ready to end it all. long story short, more shit happened. called the hotline, texted my cousin i was gonna die, she then called her parents then said parents called my mom. mom caught me, we cried so hard, i told her everything. we became closer then. she was my best friend and still is, and it pains me that im not the best daughter and friend she has. i wanted to take a break from school then, i wanted to see a shrink, but guess what, nothing happened. i went back to classes like nothing happened. my emotions werent compensated. i was doing everything with a broken mind. no one around me talked to me about what happened, only i relived it. i preferred if they talked to me about it, i preferred if i took a break for a while, it would have been nice to talk to someone about, talk about this unending sadness that im feeling; if i did then maybe i could be a tiny bit better. but no. i gave every feeling i had for free.
4 years passed and im still here. what am i now? things were good two years ago, but how about now? i still sabotaged everything, while trying to fix things aside. i tried to live life, but my anxiety just got worse; heck i didnt even have anxiety before. i had everything planned out three years ago, now im lost again. i dont have someone to talk to, i ruined the friendships i built with trust. i ruined my relationships with everyone and i act like the victim in my head. im a fucked up person and i wonder if my sadness and melancholy justifies all this. everyday i live with a weight on my shoulder. id say i want to try my best today with a lump on my throat. i tell my mom im having fun but then i turn to a socially awkward girl alone. i tell her im doing fine but i really want to jump off our unit. im becoming a threat to myself, im becoming so lost that i need something to believe in again. im so lonely, im so alone, but i pushed away everyone else. maybe this is all im meant to be, really. i dont think the blues will ever me leave me, ive been accustomed to feeling sad and hurt all the time that im scared of being happy. does it even suit me?
i need help. i really need to figure out whats wrong with me. ive always yearned for help. i gaslighted myself a year ago that i didnt need it anymore, i still do. but what will i do when no ones listening to me? when my parents care about imagery rather than my wellbeing? when they care about other people telling them that their daughters 'fucked in the head', well i am. and to the people who tells me that i am, well i am, and probably you guys are and your children feels the same too.
what will the girl who dreamed of becoming a beautician think about the girl who i am now? what will my other selves say about me? ill forever mourn the girl who i wanted to be. the writer, the poet, someone who writes for a living and just sits down in her room with a view. i could also work in a library or in a museum, where i could stare at art and write about it. i want to write. and im sorry lola that i didnt get to finish the story i was writing for you. im sorry im not becoming someone you wished to be. im sorry to everyone who i let down. to my mom, you really are my best friend and im thankful to everything youve done for me, and the little things youve done to make me feel better. to my dad, thank you for the sacrifices you made for us, for my education, despite not being there physically. but you know, i had a lot of trauma growing up and carrying them now because of you two. my social anxiety, the way im afraid to speak up, when im asked about something i dont respond, because everything feels like a wrong answer. and a wrong answer always equates to screaming and shouting and punishing me physically for discipline. but dont worry, i guess, i tried to accept it with love. love equals hate, after all. the two of you did your best, but im sorry. i just want to sleep now.