Shower made from keyboard

Prepare for a wall of text, but I need to get this out.
My mom is disabled and on oxygen. She can walk around the house but can’t go most places without her oxygen tanks. I’m an able bodied worker (or I was; I’m currently on leave due to a knee injury and am going to physical therapy for six weeks). Now that walking and moving around is easier for me thanks to rehab, it’s back to the way things were, which are as follows:
-She makes the lists, I do the grocery shopping
-She gives me money for two packs of cigarettes every 2-3 days (yes, she still smokes by going outside and taking her oxygen off), I go get the cigarettes
-She gives me money for her medication, I pick up the medication at the pharmacy
-She adds to the laundry, I do the laundry
-She adds plants to the garden, waters them and gives them plant food, but I tend to them when she asks, such as cutting down dead ones and tying up plants that fall over
-She cooks and cleans, I get her things to cook and clean with (grocery and cleaning supply shopping)
Likewise she’ll often have me do things for her so she doesn’t have to get up and out of her chair, even though on oxygen she can walk, move around and do these things. This includes getting her coffee from the kitchen, turning lights on and off, bagging or unbagging things, filling or re-arranging the cabinet pantry (she has problems bending over due to her weight and back problems), grabbing her things from the closet or clothes from her room, putting lotion on her back after she showers, and cleaning up after myself if she doesn’t like how my room looks.
I’m 24, she’s in her late fifties. I’m finishing up college. I have a part-time job, though she insists I work 2 or even 3 part-time jobs to bring in more money. Half of, if not 2/3rds of my paycheck go in an envelope to be saved because she doesn’t trust me with saving money; if I object or put in an amount she doesn’t like, I get a lecture about how irresponsible I am with money. If I have, let’s say, $300 or more dollars in my bank account she complains that I don’t need that kind of money. Daily she reminds me of chores and things I have to get done; bloodwork, getting new glasses, and doing laundry are all things she’s told me to do literally everyday for the past week, as if I’m not already aware. I suspect I have ADHD as completing tasks that don’t interest me is a huge challenge; when I told her my doctor diagnosed me, she said “ugh, you don’t have ADHD; you’re not hyper, you act normal”.
Doors are not to be closed as she will wander in and out of rooms unprompted. This includes her using the toilet while I shower and coming into my room talking to me while I’m changing and half-naked. She comes into my room multiple times while I’m in bed to talk to me about certain things - she’ll point out that my bedside table is a mess, that I need to tidy up the bed, and that the laundry has to get done.
I’m overweight, medically obese even. Trust me, I see this and acknowledge it. Yet multiple times per month she tells me how I’m still young and should lose the weight now before it becomes a problem when I’m older. She tells me to wear makeup more often because I look pretty with it, even though she has been made aware that I am what I consider masculine and questioning my gender. She says I’m a freak for presenting the way I do, and will only ever always call me her daughter and a name I no longer identify with, (but that’s worthy of a whole new post entirely). She calls me a “fat girl” and is not gentle with her words, but is what she considers “honest” about everything she says. She always tells me that because my dad helps and pays for my phone bill and my car insurance that I am “extremely lucky” and deems me ungrateful and spoiled. (I can’t afford to do that right now, but I’m sure I could if I worked more).
I could go on and on. And for everyone that is going to suggest I live with my father, that decision is off the table. He would only be more aggressive regarding chores I haven’t done and would likely call me lazy for being depressed and laying in bed on my days off. He would also want me off my medication, something I need for my mental health to properly function and not want to off myself daily. Last month I threatened to go live with my father; at 2am she called him up crying and sounding defeated, and he only said that I wouldn’t be able to lay around and do nothing all the time, so I backtracked and have decided to stay with her. My finances and her disability income combined are the only reason we can keep our apartment. Once I leave, she has nowhere to go, and I can’t help but feel guilty for that.
My girlfriend and I intend to move in together within the next year and a half or two. Until then I am at the beck and call of my mother, who says she appreciates my help, where I only feel exhausted and taken advantage of. Despite all of this, I still feel like the villain; like I don’t deserve anything I receive. Like I’m a burden. Like I shouldn’t exist. I just don’t know what to make of it.
(I’ve posted regarding this on the entitledparents subreddit and only gotten put on blast for being selfish, ungrateful and “pathetic”, so I’m expecting it to be the same here too. After all, maybe I deserve it).

I'm doing both the breathing and the cold showers for potential health-benefits. I know people seem to be profiting greatly mentally from both, but not me so far.
I had to stop both when i got burned out 2 times the past 2 years, it made everything worse. Now i recovered and picked it back up. I strongly believe in both for physical health but i don't know what to expect from it mentally.
My question is, is this part of the process, is this something to be trained with greater mental benefits on the horizon or could it rather be that i'm a special case where i just don't get the lasting calming benefits others get?
Weirdly enough, right after i feel relatively calm, but it gets worse few moments later and stays that way.
Appreciate any feedback, thanks!

I'm almost done with high school and finally get to move away, thank god. As much as I like being alone I'm so scared of the world (not adulting, just the actual world) and feel like I belong absolutely nowhere. Parties are evil, don't talk to x person they have green hair, "look what she's wearing, stay away from her". I know a lot of things my parents engrained in me are irrational and I'm very aware how stupid it is, but I feel like an imposter walking around and it's only a matter of time before everyone realizes I'm literally just a kid that never grew up in an adult's body. I've never done anything and I have no childhood memories. Everything is so scary. Even talking to a single person. I legitimately expect them to leave me with no warning. If they invited me to hang out with them I would be hypervigilant about the environment we're in, making sure they don't do anything "bad" or use "bad words" (Yeah, I'm messed up... but I wanna stress the difference between me not actually caring what they do and knowing it's fine, versus knowing my parents would be flipping out and feeling an awful combination of shame and guilt and fear).
My family never tolerated anything. I wasn't allowed to have social media my entire life, so I couldn't really connect with anyone at school. No sleepovers ever, and I have to be tracked on my phone all the time. Therapy is bad, animal rights are pointless, sex is not okay and you're more noble than everyone else if you don't care about it (wtf..). Wasn't allowed to watch Harry Potter until I was 16 and Netflix was never allowed in the house. I downloaded a free shooter game on my PC once, my mom found it while snooping, and she flipped out. The clothes I was allowed to wear up until high school literally made me look like a little boy. My sister still has to go to school wearing almost knee length shorts and it looks so bad. I was never really shown basic hygiene stuff like showering everyday, needing to brush your teeth twice a day, etc. Never even suggested I wear deodorant until I was 13/14, I didn't even know people were walking around wearing it and that's why they didn't smell so bad. My parents just kind of let me figure it out. I looked really bad in middle school and in 7th grade I sat down at a table with people that usually let me sit with them, but that day they all just got up and left at the same time and everybody saw it.
My social anxiety is through the roof from isolating myself so much. I remember one day in high school I kind of made a friend and she told me where she sat at lunch, so I went to find her. As soon as I stepped into the lunch room I just wanted to run back out because the anxiety I got was so intense. All these people probably hate me. They're better than me. They have more friends than I do. They have a more interesting life than I do. Now imagine feeling that same feeling when you walk past a single person your age in public. I wish I never existed.
I feel like my life has been set back a decade or two, and that's only the best case scenario if I try really hard to catch up. I'm glad I'm never coming back, but I'm also so depressed right now. Everyone gets to be normal except for me.

hi! im pretty new to enneagram and so far i think i might be a 9w8. i filled out the questions in the intro. im hoping to get some help or closure on typing myself. im sorry for the long text in advance lol.
• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself. Im 15 and a girl, ive doubted my gender few times though i dont really "feel" like a girl or anything and i like it when people mistake me for a man, i mostly identify as i girl cause its the easiest for me. im a pretty average student. i used to be "gifted" or something like that but now im just average (im ok with that). i have a few friends and thats pretty much it.
• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow? no i did visit a psychologist a few times. i stopped because it didnt really help me and i saw no point in it.
• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it? My biological father was mostly absent from my early childhood (since i was 3) and doesnt live with me. pretty soon my mom got a boyfriend and they got married so ive had a step dad since i was 3. im not very close to either of my parents. we dont really show affection much to each other and so on. both of my parents are atheist and my grandparents on my moms side are also atheist. my grandma is a jehovas witness and used to bring me to "church" with her when i was little. i was always very curious about it and i used to think a lot about whether or not god was real and if i should convert. i always came to the conclusion thats hes not real and im atheist. i vividly remember that when i was little my grandpa asked me if he should be christian or not and i asked him if he had time to go to church to which he replied no so i came to the conclusion that he should be atheist too.
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed? if i could send my friends videos and texts sometimes then yes. i dont really mind being alone and i can take care of myself. i can entertain myself on my own. i wouldnt feel lonely or refreshed really since being alone is sort of the norm for me. i spend most of my free time in my room alone.
• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities? i like crafty activities like knitting, crochet, sewing and embroidery. i also like reading, learning about stuff im interested in. this can be pretty much anything, music, film, fashion, philosophy, religion and so on. im not really good at sports. i can still enjoy them though if its with friends and its not too serious or competitive. im not a very competitive person and i dont like the pressure people can create in team sports. i enjoy cycling because its more individual and i can go at my own pace, i dont have to rely on anyone and no one has to rely on me.
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate? im curious but i usually dont ask people many questions, i can satisfy myself with the answer they give. especially if its something personal, if they dont want to answer or are vague theres probably a reason and i dont want to bother them and make them uncomfortable. i have a lot of things i want to do, such as getting better at playing guitar reading and so on. i usually dont really act on this. not for any particular reason i just cant bring myself to do it. im mainly curious about thing like art and fashion history, philosophy and theology, i also find drugs and their side effects and such interesting. i dont really have many ideas. if they are they are usually conceptual such as songs and paintings.
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be? i dont really like leadership. i cant imagine myself doing it long term, i wouldnt be able to put up with people that long. i dont like when people complain or ask many follow up questions so that would drive me crazy. although if theres a project or something and no one else wants to lead im willing to do it since stuff still needs to get done. if i was a leader my leadership style would probably be pretty permissive, as long as stuff gets done im okay with pretty much anything.
• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity? id like to think in somewhat coordinated. although i can be clumsy at times. i like working with my hands. i play guitar and i like to knit and crochet.
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer. I like music a lot, i listen to it a lot and it means a lot to me. ive always found comfort in it. when i was younger i really liked melanie martinez and it was basically all i listened to. now i listen to and im open to many different genres. my favourite genre is probably emo and rock though. i also play guitar and enjoy it a lot. sometimes i write lyrics to song too. i used to draw since i was 6 but when i was 13 i stopped because i started comparing myself too much and it didnt make me happy anymore.
• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them? i dont really care much about the past. whats done is done and i cant do anything to change it. its a waste of time to dwell on it too much. of course it is good to reflect and think about your actions once in a while. i dont really care much about the future either. well not mine specifically. i dont have a specific plan or goal for myself. im just gonna see what life brings me mostly. although i do think it is important to think about the future as a society in terms of climate change and similar issues. i care the most about the present since its what i have the most direct impact on. as cheesy as it might sound i sort of just "live in the moment".
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so? depends on if i can do it and if i like the person. if its something like giving them a napkin or something else thats simple then sure why not. if its something like explaining i usually say no because im not really good at explaining and i often dont understand things myself. if i would help someone its usually because i dont have a reason not to. i think its better to be nice if tou can even you don't necessarily like the person cause you can avoid unnecessary conflict that way.
• Do you need logical consistency in your life? not really. i dont care for things being logical and i dont think everything needs a reasoning or to be logical.
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?im not really efficient or productive myself, so i guess not really. of course if something is urgent ill do it as fast as i can. but otherwise i think there are more important things than that. i think the actual of process of doing something can be enjoyable not just what comes out of it.
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that? i dont if i control others, im not aware of it at least. i dont think i have that big of an influence on someone else.
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them? I like to play guitar because i like music and the feeling of being to engage with it more deeply. i also like to sing. i like reading because i think there are many interesting stories to tell.
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses? my learning style is mainly verbal. i like to write things down and say then out loud. i usually explain things to myself or i pretend im presenting or explaining what im learning to someone else. i sometimes have trouble with things involving a lot of math and sometimes even logical thinking. i often times cant grasp these concepts cause i cant imagine it in my head. i struggle with learning environments that have a lot of distractions. but i cant focus if its completely quiet i like to play some kind of background noise such as white or brown noise. i like classes involving creativity the most since i can just do anything i want. i dont have trouble with coming up with new things and creative things to do.
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go? I usually put off things till the last minute so i dont really have time to strategize most of the time. i just do and think of things as i go. usually this works for me and it doesn't stress me out. i do tend to make plans to be "productive" and break up my work into smaller parts this doesnt really work out for me most of the time though.
• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally? i dont have many aspirations or goals. just standard things like to get into college and stuff i dont really know what i want to do yet. im leaving it up for myself in the future to decide what i should do that will fulfill me. my main goal is just to be happy with myself and where i am in life, nothing really specific.
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why? my fear is being completely alone for the rest of my life. and not being happy with myself. although i dont really seek out people and their presence i still like affection and fitting in. i really value my friends and i want to have them along my side. i want to accept myself and who i am. i want to be a version of myself that i like. physical touch makes me uncomfortable, and also verbal affection such as compliments too. i often dont know how to respond. when people hug me i often just stand there and if someone touches me i often immediately try to get away. i dont know how to respond to compliments and verbal affection well, partially because i dont really believe it. i hate dishonest people who cant be themselves and try to be someone else to please others. its very sad for me to watch and i just dont like it in general, it can also get annoying.
• What do the "highs" in your life look like? to be honest i dont think ive ever had a "high". most of the time i just feel mostly neutral. the only "high" i have when im laughing with friends or something.
• What do the "lows" in your life look like? i usually lay in bed all day and dont do anything. i cant even bring myself to shower, eat or brush my teeth. if i eat its usually just plain bread or something that requires no effort. i do have some phases where i cry very often, almost every day. i try to hide either usually and cry when im alone but sometimes its too much and i just cry in front of people. when they ask me if im ok i say yes and i try to deny anything being wrong.
• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so? i daydream very often. almost every day. if im bored and have nothing to do (i dont have my phone) ill daydream. im aware of my surroundings to some extent. usually im also listening to music while doing this. when i daydream i tend to walk around my room in back and forth. even when im reading a book, watching a film or a tv show i often envisipn myself there and stop watching/reading to imagine myself there and insert myself into the story.
• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about? i would probably sing to myself and daydream. i dont think i would think about many things to be honest.
• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it? i havent made many important decisions, but i usually take some time to think it through. i might change my mind afterwards but not do anything about since i already decides and dont want to complicate things. i would probably tell myself its meant to be that way.
• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life? i usually dont really let my emotions out unless its happiness. emotions are quite important to me. i often base my decisions around them. because i want to be comfortable.
• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why? usually if i disagree i just dont say anything. i dont agree or disagree. if i dont agree and dpnt want to talk to that person then ill just try to politely exit the conversation. i dont feel the need to please others with what i have to say. people have different opinions and thats ok. if im talking about something friends and i disagree im not afraid to say it though. i do try to be polite about it though to avoid conflict.
• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why? I dont really break rules. i dont feel the need to. at least i dont do it deliberately. i think authorities should be challenged if theyre unfair and oppressive. if i break rules its because ultimately i can do anything i want. i try to be smart about it and not get in trouble though. if breaking the rules would hurt someone i wouldnt do it.

So I met this guy on a dating app and from the beginning he has showered me with compliments and been persistent in pursuing me. He has planned several dates until I finally gave in to see him. However I was not so interested in him in the beginning stage but his efforts to know me, made me grow interest. So on our first date, he came to pick me up with flowers (was really sweet) and went on a drive and ended up in an ice cream shop. But idk what happened throughout the time I looked seemingly not interested, I was so excited to meet him but finally getting to see him didn’t faze me so much. He is quite attractive but barely put any efforts into his clothing (came in sweats) and made me look overdressed lol but didn’t bother me so much. Our personalities irl and interests didnt seem to align so well so was awkward.
However towards the end, he got little touchy and kissed my hands, gave a hug etc (with my consent). But made me real upset on where it went wrong. After a day, he started acting really weird and “busy”. Being an anxious attachment person, I started feeling off and asked him head on what’s wrong. He told me I was not happy seeing him and seeing me now getting so anxious over a person not their bf is bad and that I need therapy. That made me decide that we don’t communicate anymore as he seems to be busy with studies to give me full attention
Fast forward we are now in 1 month no contact but I wanna know what do u guys think happened here and from time to time I feel bad since he was such a sweet guy (in the beginning)

So I met this guy on a dating app and from the beginning he has showered me with compliments and been persistent in pursuing me. He has planned several dates until I finally gave in to see him. However I was not so interested in him in the beginning stage but his efforts to know me, made me grow interest. So on our first date, he came to pick me up with flowers (was really sweet) and went on a drive and ended up in an ice cream shop. But idk what happened throughout the time I looked seemingly not interested, I was so excited to meet him but finally getting to see him didn’t faze me so much. He is quite attractive but barely put any efforts into his clothing (came in sweats) and made me look overdressed lol but didn’t bother me so much. Our personalities irl and interests didnt seem to align so well so was awkward.
However towards the end, he got little touchy and kissed my hands, gave a hug etc (with my consent). But made me real upset on where it went wrong. After a day, he started acting really weird and “busy”. Being an anxious attachment person, I started feeling off and asked him head on what’s wrong. He told me I was not happy seeing him and seeing me now getting so anxious over a person not their bf is bad and that I need therapy. That made me decide that we don’t communicate anymore as he seems to be busy with studies to give me full attention
Fast forward we are now in 1 month no contact but I wanna know what do u guys think happened here and from time to time I feel bad since he was such a sweet guy (in the beginning)

Hey guys, so I just moved from FL Studio to Logic Pro, and have been trying to use my keyboard inside of VSTs, and it won't work, but I will notice the keys and tell me what I am hitting at the top. It's an FLKey 37 and it seems to register that it works, just doesn't allow any output sound. I have made sure my stereo out and master are good, and tried turning recording on as well as monitoring. What are the next steps?

(Posting on mobile, sorry for formatting in advance) That's what I've been telling myself at least. I currently have an infestation going on in my apartment due to birds nesting in the vent. I had no idea this was even a thing until it happened! I wanted to put my story out in the ether and spread some hope, possibly. They are going away, but slowly.
It all started when I saw tiny bugs crawling out of my phone. It was so weird. After a deep dive on the internet, I started seeing more pop up in my bathroom. I realized that this started happening after some birds left their nest in the vent. They were going crazy one night and then left the next day. This is when all hell broke loose and I was living in one of my own worst nightmares.
The first day of discovery, my spouse and I picked up some food grade Diatamaceous Earth, spread that shit on the bedroom carpet and master bath, and slept in the living room for 2 nights. I've never been more grateful for laundry that I procrastinated on because that was our saving grace to have clothes.
What I've learned they hated: Essential oils (esp peppermint, lavender, and clove) Lack of humidity, DE, and dish soap.
EDIT: One thing that helped me when I was cleaning active spaces: Wear tight clothing, lube yourself with Aquaphor and peppermint oil. You'll be able to see them and they won't move as fast. Just make sure to exfoliate when you shower. For those with long hair, use shampoo/conditioner with peppermint in it, like Pureology Hydrate. And blowdry the crap out of your hair and apply leave-in treatments afterwards. You'll be able to fix it when you're done dealing with them.
When we vaccumed the bedroom and bathroom, we made sure to spray the perimeters with Ortho Home Defense. Of course, we also steamed the mattress, changed bedding, all that. We've been spraying our bedding with a mixture of cheap vodka, clove oil, peppermint, and some water just to keep them away.
Within the week, we started seeing successful results. In the meantime, I vacuumed and sprayed Ortho around the rest of the apartment, which afaik, was not affected. That doesn't mean the anxiety goes away and there some that occasionally pop up in the bathroom.
We forgot to treat one room in our apartment and that happened to be the closet where they wreaked absolute havoc and partied in there. We thought that would have been a safe place because there are no vents there. After 20 minutes of trying to investigate the madness, we threw some more DE in there, sprayed Ortho in the parameters we could and closed the door. Girl, bye.
We did contact our apartment complex upon first discovery. Maintenance did remove the nests, but didn't find bugs. Our apartment complex allegedly never heard of this issue in the last 15 years the complex had been around. The pest control they hired was clueless about how to help us, also never heard of this issue, and said he would "look into it" and have an answer in a week, because he only comes out on Mondays.
I called Orkin the same day and waiting on a call back for an inspection and estimate. This has been a week so far and it's driven me to the point of needing anxiety meds. I break down every damn day. We have come a long way though.
My spouse has been my absolute backbone and cannot thank her enough. She tells me to remind myself of what we've done so far and to look at the evidence. The evidence is that they are dying and are going away. I ask yourself to do the same thing if you find yourself in this situation as well. Be diligent and do what you can.
The takeaway from all this: It can and will get better. It's vital to treat the root causes first. These little fucks will multiply somehow, even without bird blood, which is so wild because it's contrary to what I've read. We haven't had any really bite us or our pets, thankfully.
Also, more life lessons: Declutter where you can, properly store your clothes in bins, and get rid of the damn cardboard boxes. I swear you don't need them. Also, dehumidify your space if you live somewhere hot and icky like I do. Good luck out there.

Sorry for post if it doesn't make sense. I have a new phone and it's slightly off on the keyboard . So I make a lot of mistakes now.
I have been observing colleagues I work with. And they are often very awful about another member of staff. Who has reasonable adjustments so does a 3 day working week rather than 5. We are massively under staffed. So those two days are harder. But the staff literally say there is nothing wrong with her. That she needs to leave, and not work if she can not work a full week. They were really awful about her. One made fun of her illness and they were all having a great laugh. I do try and say something, but they have learnt to do it so they think I can't hear. Not sure how to tackle it at all.
I would normally report this sort of thing. But I am also very ill, and facing issues due to my disabilities/illness from the employer. I am waiting to discuss my issues with my union guy. They have literally told me to my face, that I need to quit and go work in a charity shop as I'm hogging a job from someone who can do it.
Everytime I've made a complaint and verbally had it agreed as confidential it's always gotten back to the person who I've spoken about. Or it's been openly mentioned I've said something in a meeting.

Today I had 30 mins before a video meeting. I work from home. So I told myself, I can probably: - eat - shower - wash my hair - dry it - do a load of laundry
Well, I forgot to include preparing a meal so instead I quickly drank a meal replacement WHILE I showered. I also forgot the part about getting dressed so I opted for no pants in a panic.
But guess what, I made it on time with 2 mins to spare! Which meant I could also review notes quickly before the meeting. Which I also forgot to add on that list.
Then I realized my calendar didn’t actually have the meeting it was an event called “Prepare for Meeting”. Past self knew me too well and now I have another 30 mins to spare. I think that’s a win.
Now I can eat a decent meal and put some pants on ….

Honorable Judge Charlotte, please hand down your judgement. Buckle up because it’s a lil long!
So I (24f) bought a house with my fiancée (also 24f) just a few months ago. The biggest reason I love the house is its front garden, which is full of my all time favorite flowers, and it was so breathtaking in the summer photos that I was determined to have it.
We moved in with a few friends, B (24f), Alice (26f), and C (21m), because we had the room for them and wanted them to have a lease-less place to live until they find their own places, whenever that would be.
(Payment context: Alice, B, and C pay us to essentially rent their bedrooms, paying only $400 a month while my fiancée and i each pay about $1200 in bills. They did not sign any lease or rent agreement. No one besides my fiancée and I are on the title of the house, and just the two of us made the down payment. Everyone could move out tomorrow and my fiancée and I would be fine.)
We had all lived with each other in the past, and had great communication and became very close friends. Like, make dinner together, watch shows together, smoke and talk for hours every other night kind of close friends.
For context, Alice has 2 pets, with specific diets and meal times. Other people in the house also have pets, but it’s unimportant to this. We have a group chat for stuff related to our house or pets (having people over, working late so someone needs to feed their pet, etc) that we were really good at using to update each other and send pet pics.
But not long after we moved into the house, Alice started dating someone new, who we’ll call Gf. Alice starts spending every day with Gf, not responding to messages from me or other roommates when we ask whether her pets have been fed, and bringing Gf over all the time to hang out, but just the two of them.
All the time she spent with us went away, which was shocking, considering several of us are in relationships, but can still find time for friends. I wouldn’t have had a problem with this, if I didn’t also notice her pets getting sick more frequently, behaving abnormally, and acting yknow, abandoned.
I tried texting her about it, because i had no clue when I’d see her next. She responded defensively when I brought up her caring for her pets, and not want to discuss it further, but the behavior never changed.
Because of this, me and the others picked up the slack to take care of her pets, but it’s so exhausting because it is obvious that the pets still just really miss her. It basically feels like she moved out, but uses our house as a pit stop.
She doesn’t buy food or communal supplies like toilet paper, but will randomly come home a few times a week, shower, eat someone else’s food, and either go to pick up Gf or to hang out at Gf’s place. We will only know that’s she’s stopped by recently by seeing her clothes thrown around the dining room, extra clutter of her mail and purses in the living room, and extra dishes in the sink, never the dishwasher right fucking next to it.
My fiancee, B, and C brought up their frustrations to me about this, but I brushed them off, saying it’s fine and we’re all learning how to be adults in our weird setup. I wanted to give her grace. But the thing that made me freak out happened today.
I enter the living room to see Alice with one of our mutual friends. I say hi and walk past, and Alice continues talking to the friend. She starts telling them about the pumpkins she planted in the front garden.
I kinda freeze when she says it. The front garden is full of gorgeous perennials, regrowing each year, meticulously planted by the previous owners (who were extremely gracious to us during the purchase process- we respect them a lot) and she Planted. Pumpkins?
Literally the biggest fucking things you can grow, that sprouts from long, creeping vines that can choke out other plants? Pumpkins. Without telling me or my fiancée.
I turn back and reenter the conversation, and ask her where she planted them, smiling for an honest answer. She says she scattered them across the garden, and labeled none of them. I say ok, and leave them to their talk. I draft a text to my fiancee about the situation, but decide that maybe it’s not that big a deal.
Later I’m in the same living room catching up with an old friend who was in town, talking about the house and garden as it was their first visit, and Alice walks past the window we’re sitting by, with a potted tree. My friend quietly asks me what the fuck she’s doing with a tree, when a huge reason why we moved here was the landscaping already being sufficient.
I didn’t even know what to say, I just started to cry. The combo of her planting the pumpkin seeds without even Mentioning it to any of us, ESPECIALLY my fiancée and I, and bringing a tree to plant in OUR YARD just felt so disrespectful when she can’t even come home to take care of her pets.
I altered and sent the drafted text to my fiancée to get her opinion on it. I also told B and C about it after my friend left, and they’re on my side, but they think this will be fixed with just “a talk.”
My fiancée is also on my side, but is beyond furious and wants to just kick her out. So I lay in bed crying, feeling like I’ve been deeply wronged over unsent text messages and unasked for pumpkin seeds, like a dumbass.
I’m scared that the pumpkin vines will choke out the beautiful garden the previous owners worked so hard on, and that i adore so much. Honestly, I am equally, if not more scared that I am soon going to watch her pets die of a broken heart.
Everything feels like the wrong choice and I’m so overwhelmed. Am I the asshole for wanting to kick my friend out of my house over pumpkin seeds?
TL;DR: A roommate started neglecting their pets, then planted pumpkins in a flower bed without asking (Fiancee & I own the house).

So, some time ago I made this post: https://www.reddit.com/vim/comments/1abf0uc/is_it_really_worth_it/
I am happy to report back that I kept vim mode in Rider, and now I kind of cannot imagine living without it.
TLDR: It's awesome, some quirks can be configured away, but it's mostly worth it.
I made a lot of progres, which also includes plugins for the vim mode - yes, there are plugins :D
For anybody wondering, once you move past the stage where you have to think about which mode you are in, what key is optimal to go to this place etc - you just think it and it just happens.
Cannot live without the kjump plugin, which is inspired by easymotion - leader leader w and every word on the screed gets an id you can jump to. It's awesome. It also has go to line mode, where every line gets a label instead of words, VERY usefull.
I still get frustrated by how the registers work at times, but I just learned to do "ad or "das and then "ap to paste. It's serves as a named clipboard history.
However, I have the following in my .vimrc:

 nnoremap d "_d nnoremap x "_x nnoremap r "_r 

It means that the small deletes don't overwrite my default buffer, and to "cut" instead of delete I have to specify a register. This made my flow a lot less worrysome.
I am still salty that if use line visual mode to copy a full line, it pastes as a new line. So you have to this funny dance with breaking the line you are in, pasting, line up, and ctrl+j to merge them together if you want to paste it in the middle of something.
I also have the following:

map  (MoveLineDown) map  (MoveLineUp) map db (ActivateDatabaseToolWindow) map  ....... 

It's self explanatory, but VERY useful. Actualy, I find .vimrc to be my favourite way to use a shortcut to the IDE function that I cannot remember for some reason. Just add it here and the which-key plugin shows you all the options. It kinda sucks on an ultrawide screen, but works good enough.
I also tested out Harpooner, which is vim-mode plugin trying to emulate Harpoon, but I discovered that bookmarks which always go to the same place fit my flow way better. I also use "Recent files" function a lot in Rider, which has a fuzzy finder, and changes the order of the files like it's reading my mind. I don't neeed Harpoon.
Now, things to master next are macros - few days ago I had to edit 54 files and do one of 3 refactorings in each, which could be done by 3 macros quite easy in like 90% of cases. Still, with vim-mode and some Rider shortcuts I was able to do the whole thing without even moving my wrists! It felt awesome.
Also, why most tutorial skip the f/F and t/T movement?! This is the best thing! I sometimes find myself counting dots or commas, and undoing and retrying until I get it right. It's even kind of fun.
I still kept using ctrl+c and ctrl+v, and Rider makes sure to paste the text even in normal mode, which is just great.
I tried also switching fully to Neovim for our frontend, but it's just not good enough. The LSP for Vue is just meh compared to what Rider has to offer (which also uses the LSP, but adds WAY more). And the clipboard situation is still weird to me, plus, I don't really know how to make a new file from a template, so I will just stay in Rider.
However, to sum up, I am glad I stayed with vim-mode. It didn't make me a better programmer, but surely took away one hindrance between thinking about something and having it happen in the editor. It became natural to switch modes, use the different movements etc.
To anybody wondering - try it in your favourite IDE/editor. Map some IDE functions to vim commands, figure out the clipboard so it's less annoying and go for it.
At least try to use as many keyboard shortcuts as you can from your IDE.
If you can make for two months, it will stick and you will be happy.
I mean, as happy as programming can make you :D

Hello, I (28M) am making this post because I need to get this crazy story off my chest. I met a girl on Tinder (22F) at the beginning of this year and I thought we really hit it off. She had recently broken up with a long term boyfriend and was actually couch surfing between different family and friends. I work a lot and I really liked her so I offered to let her stay at my apartment. I also asked her to be in a relationship with me. At first she declined, but on Valentines I managed to pull out all the stops and tried my best to be romantic. (took her out, giant teddy bear, candy all that) I asked again if she wanted to be in a relationship with me and she agreed and moved into my apartment. Everything was good for a couple of months, we really didn't argue and the sex was great.
Her birthday was in April and I asked what she wanted for her birthday. She said she wanted to go on a camping trip and invite a bunch of friends. I was good with that plan and made arrangements to be off from work and spent a couple of hundred dollars on the supplies needed for the trip. She invited a ton of people but the only ones that ended up coming were here best friend, her best friends boyfriend, her brothers, her mom, and two other friends that were neighbors of her best friend. They only showed up at the end of the trip but, I was happy somebody else came for her.
Her best friend also brought her toddler. I had said before we went on the trip that bringing the toddler was not a good idea considering the plan for the weekend was to get drunk and smoke the whole time and that probably wasn't the best place for a two year old. I got ignored and my concerns were dismissed.
Anyway, on 4/20 we all end renting canoes and kayaks from the outfitters at the campground to float down the river. Halfway through; one of my then girlfriends brothers gets sick from to much to drink and ends up falling in the river multiple times. The river is still really cold and we end up having to split up and she takes her brother to get a ride back to the campsite at the halfway point. Then I was stuck with her friends that I didn't really know; to get back to the campsite with the canoes. I had met these friends about a half dozen times and they had struck me as rude and irresponsible but I hadn't spent much time with them. The boyfriend actually had never spoken directly to me at this point even though we had met several times.
I had been told by my ex over and over again how the boyfriend was abusive and how terrible he was to her friend. I told her since I hadn't seen anything I didn't want to be involved. On the second half of the trip her best friend and her boyfriend get into an argument over something. To this day I have no idea what either of them were upset about. This argument keeps escalating but only to yelling and throwing stuff and essentially a temper tantrum on the part of the boyfriend. We get back to the campsite and reunite with my ex, and they keep arguing and yelling at each other. Keep in mind the girl has been carrying around a two year old for this entire ordeal.
Eventually the boyfriend is in his vehicle shouting obscenities' and my exes friend goes to his vehicle and what happens next is the only point of disagreement between myself and my ex. I say he hit her, my ex says he pushed her out of the way. Tomato, tomato, it was still most definitely physical assault of a dating partner and since she had the toddler it was also child abuse. My exes mom then intervenes and they separate, I go over to the girl to ask if she's is alright and she starts asking me to fight her boyfriend. Then the boyfriend threatens to shoot me!!!?????
Keep in mind this guy has never spoken to me directly. As a side note I have trained MMA for over five years at this point and it is well known that I can fight. Normally fighting/sparring is very fun for me but if this dude is actually upset and not wanting to wrestle around for fun then I was going to need him to sign a waiver before I administered the beat down. Besides the dude had a gun and had threatened to shoot me so I'm not just going to attack him?
I tried to tell my ex that we needed to leave but she refused and said that if I wanted to leave I was more than welcome but that she would be staying. I decide to stay, and the rest of the night essentially consisted of her best friend wandering around the campground crying hysterically and the boyfriend posted in his vehicle between us and the exit in some kind of sad attempt to be intimidating. At one point while my ex and her friend attempt to console the boyfriend they essentially left the child unsupervised with me and her friends neighbors.
Both of the neighbors were under 21 and definitely to intoxicated to supervise a toddler. To be honest no one there was sober enough to care for a two year old at that time. At one point I actually stopped the toddler from running into the fire while my ex and her friend made the boyfriend food. (which I bought by the way) Literally the guy assaulted his girl, threatened to shoot me, and put his child in danger and my girlfriends reaction was to make him a hamburger. I was thrown.
Towards the end of the night its starting to calm down and I was coming back from collecting firewood. The boyfriend had moved his vehicle closer to the campsite but was still not interacting with the rest of the group. When I get back my exes friend is blocking my chair so I grab another from my trunk and offer it to her so I can sit down next to my girlfriend. Apparently the boyfriend was offended by this and actually spoke to me directly for the first time by stating that I needed to pay attention to my girl and if I talked to his again he would shoot me.
I had no idea how to react; this is now the second time this dude has threatened my life with a firearm and both times with no reaction from anyone. I tell my ex again that we need to leave and I was once again dismissed. Keep in mind there is no signal at this campground; so we are completely cut off from the outside world. It was already late so everyone turned in for the night shortly after. The next morning we pack up the campsite to go home.
When we get back to my apartment, I confirm with my ex everything that happened. She did confirm that the boyfriend had threatened to shoot me twice. Like I said earlier; I say he hit his girl my ex says he pushed her out of the way. Whatever; same difference. She also confirmed she understood that because the toddler was there it made everything that happened an act of child abuse. My goal for the conversation was to get my ex to report what happened so I could sit in the background and just confirm what she was saying was true.
However, my ex just kept trying to say that this was normal behavior by her friends boyfriend and that she wasn't going to do anything. I tried to reiterate over and over that this was not "Normal" behavior and that by not reporting what happened we could be considered liable if something worse happened in the future. I am not a mandated reporter but, I clearly understood that if I was; what happened would have been a mandatory report.
My ex then blew up at me and accused me of being and asshole and trying to isolate her from her friend. This was the farthest thing from the truth; since when I was told the boyfriend was abusive, I told my ex since I hadn't seen anything I couldn't do anything but, if her friend had no where to go and wanted to leave she was more than welcome to crash in my spare room. I had to go to work to get ready for the upcoming week so I couldn't keep arguing with her and started getting ready to head out. I told her we would discuss it when I got back and left for work. While I was showering I did consider kicking her out for not taking what happened more seriously but, I decided against it because overall I still liked her at that point and I didn't want her not to have anywhere to go.
While I am at work I text her an apology because admittedly I was mean at the end when she wouldn't take what happened seriously. I told her I still didn't know exactly what I needed to do but that the boyfriends behavior was completely unacceptable. She texts me back that she was breaking up with me and going to stay with her brother. I was a little shocked by this as we had not had any disagreements up until this point and I pressed her to figure out why. At first she lied and tried to say it had nothing to do with the argument and was because she wasn't ready for a relationship. I moved past the fact we had already been in a relationship for two months, she had me in her phone as daddy, was living with me, and had started receiving mail at my apartment and just accepted that she wanted to leave.
When I got back to my apartment a couple of hours later she had already packed her stuff and left. I was sad but I have been through a lot of breakups with women I liked so this wasn't new to me. I started going through my apartment to make sure all my stuff was still there and her stuff was gone. I did reach out to here that night because I wanted her to come get the stuff she had left and at least give me the opportunity to speak my peace in person. At this point I still thought she left because she wasn't ready for a relationship and that she was at her brothers.
At the end of the night, I called her expecting her to be at her brothers, she answered and instead I found out she was at her friends? Yes the one with the boyfriend who had just threatened to shoot me, had assaulted her friend, and put his child in clear danger due to his emotional tantrum. This was the only time I truly snapped at her because I couldn't believe she would do something like that. Two things became clear to me 1.) She never cared about me and was just using me for a free place to stay and free food. Which honestly I wouldn't have cared about if she had just been honest about it. And 2.) She was no longer a witness to what had happened, she was an accessory as she was actively trying to deter me from reporting the behavior.
My understanding of the statues around child abuse is that any action taken in an attempt to conceal child abuse makes you an accessory to said child abuse. Because of all that the feelings I had for her immediately died. I decided to sleep on everything and the next day I wrote out everything that happened and emailed it myself to time stamp the report. I gave it to a coworker that I trusted just to confirm I wasn't crazy. She is a mandated reporter and her words to me were that I absolutely did need to report what happened and that if I didn't she would. So I got the number that I needed to call from my coworker and filed a police report at my local police station. A few days later CPS did pay them a visit and I received a lot of nasty texts accusing me of filing the report because she broke up with me and intentionally trying to get the child taken by child services.
She even tried to say she wanted to get back together later when she was "in a better headspace" I called bullshit because to me and everyone I have told this story to she broke up with me in order to avoid the confrontation and distract me from making the report. Her admission confirmed that her plan was to come back when I had forgotten about what had happened. I quickly told her coming back was not an option for her and that I was not interested in her anymore. AITAH?
Also an update that happened last week, some different friends of my ex reached out to me on FB. I had only met these friends once so I was suspicious as to why they reached out. They did invite me over and looking back I think they were just wanting to get the full scoop on what happened as my ex had told them virtually nothing and had been overly vague as to why we had broken up.
I told them the full story to the best of my ability and they confirmed that similar incidents had happened in the past with the couple and that they do not associate with my exes friends due to the boyfriends behavior. I also learned that apparently one of my exes brothers was on my side and thought his sister was a "fucking idiot."
My exes friends apologized to me and expressed their support and agreed I did the right thing. NGL finding that out did really validate me because it was clear to me my ex was trying to protect her friends abuser but I still didn't understand why. What I have tried to believe, in order to not have so much negative emotion towards my ex, is that in her mind she feels like if she is there with her friend she will be safe. Also if anybody asks the neighbors would be shit witnesses to what happened, they were both under 21, highly intoxicated, and while I'm not sure what they are on narcotics wise. I am 90% sure they get it from the boyfriend. I apologize if this was to long of a read but AITAH?

Sorry this is long but I desperately some advice/perspective because I’ve been struggling with these feelings for about a year now and I have tried to move on but I don’t think I can and I don’t know what to do.
You should know that my friend group has been friends for 20+ years.
Here’s the timeline of events:
December 2022 - My now husband privately proposed to me. The day after was New Year’s Eve and we went over to a friend’s apartment to party. With most of our friends there, we surprised everyone with the announcement of our engagement. Everyone was elated and congratulating us; it was all good vibes.
January 2023 - April 2023 - Over the next four months, my fiance and I were going through the process of buying a house; we ended up buying a fixer upper home and closed on the house in early April 2023.
Side note: When we started dating, I had told my husband that we had to be married before we could live together, so after closing on the house we decided that we’ll religiously and legally get married at the end of April 2023 and do a small celebration dinner with our close family members.
Early April 2023 - We both informed our friends of our new home purchase and of our marriage plans for the end of April 2023 and mentioned that we’ll do a celebration with everyone in late 2024. We mentioned that our ceremony in April will be private, lowkey, and essentially a formality so that we can live together.
Side note: My lease for my apartment was ending at the end of April 2023, so I was in the midst of packing and getting ready to move my stuff into a storage unit because we were going to live at his parents house while we fix up our new home.
You should also know that after we closed on the house, we pretty much spent the entire month of April doing the demolition on our new home ourselves. Pretty much everyday after work, my husband and I would go to our new home and spend the night tearing up carpet, removing tiles, tearing up dry wall, etc…; it was a big project and very mentally and physically draining.
End of April 2023 - Wedding day! We had a total of 20 people at our ceremony, everyone was a family member except for my one best friend and her husband. They were the only friends that we asked to be there because we needed 3 male muslim witnesses to perform the ceremony, and my 2 brothers and my friend’s husband are the only male muslims in our lives; I don’t have a dad in my life and I don’t have any other family members living here in the U.S. So the ceremony happens, and my friend that was in attendance posts a picture of us on instagram. We all go to the restaurant for dinner to celebrate and then everyone goes home. Short, simple, and sweet.
April 30, 2023 - The day after our wedding ceremony, was my move out day. We spent the entire day moving my items out of my apartment and into a storage unit. Then went over to his parents house where we would be staying for 4 months while our home was getting fixed.
Early May: I notice some of the people in my friend group are being weird and distant. I ended up seeing one of my friends at a bridal shower event for one of our old friends where she continued to give me short answers and weird energy. About a week later my brother called me saying he ran into that same friend and said that she’s upset that she wasn’t invited to my ceremony especially when she was under the impression that it was family only but was questioning why my other friend was there and felt like she was really hurt by it. I then come to find out that other people in the friend group felt that way too and were hurt that I didn’t inform them the morning of my wedding day that I was getting married. My brother also told me that she had been planning a surprise engagement party with all of my friends and when she heard she wasn’t invited to the ceremony she decided to remove herself from the planning committee and everyone else just didn’t continue through with the planning either.
Mid May 2023 - When some of them confronted me about it, I was so taken aback and just let them have it and I kind of ended up over explaining myself because I didn’t want them to misunderstand my decision and I also did not want them to not like me anymore. I told them my friend was there because her husband was a witness and they said they didn’t know and now that they do they get it. I was being overly defensive and I was so stressed with everything else, I let them have it.
May 2023 - August 2023 - We pretty much spent the entire summer focusing on our house. Every weekend, and even throughout the week we’d drive up to our home and work on something.
Late August 2023 - We finally move into our new home, but even so the work wasn’t done. We still had to finish up some smaller projects, buy furniture, and settle in.
November 2023 - We finally feel settled into our new home. The mini projects have subsided and now we can actually focus on enjoying our new home together as a newly married couple.
It was only after everything settled down that I really started to think about the events that happened surrounding my wedding ceremony. For the entirety of the summer I still felt uncomfortable being around them and I think I never got closure from them, I don’t feel connected to them like I used to; I think I’m still hurt by it all and I don’t have closure because I never got to tell them how they hurt me. I was finally able to sit with my feelings and I realized that they were all pretty shitty for making my day about them. I also felt like they weren’t being very understanding with what was going on in my life. They also knew that my mom had cut herself out of my life a year prior because she didn’t want me to be with my now husband because of his race. So for them to know all these things that I was going through and to not give me any grace felt hurtful.
They all felt so entitled to be at my ceremony because they were my friends when I had been engaged for 4 months prior and they didn’t even so much as send me flowers or celebrate me, despite having planned something but cancelling it when they felt hurt by me. They felt that their feelings were more important than celebrating me, and continued to show this when they made my day about them rather than showing me grace.
I haven’t been properly gifted by most of my friends, and even close family friends that call me their daughter. I’ve had them all over my new home multiple times, most of them have yet to give me a housewarming and/or wedding gift.
I should also note that my husband and I recently decided and announced to our family and friends that we won’t have a wedding celebration this year because we’re still recovering financially from the house purchase and all the projects. As of now we’re thinking we’ll do a 5-year vow renewal where we’ll get to celebrate with everyone, but we’ll see what life looks like in 5 years.
Last weekend (May 2024) - One of my friends in the group planned a surprise 1-year anniversary party for us, and it was nice. But it felt like a bit of a redemption for my friend group and I feel like it’s just a little too late.
Essentially, I’m still feeling hurt about how my moments came and went, and my friends didn’t acknowledge and celebrate me. I feel as though there’s a lack of respect around their lack of effort and I’m just not feeling connected to them like I used to. I just need some perspective and/or advice on how to navigate this.

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Memory Transcription Subject: Elias Meier, Former UN Secretary-General
Date [standardized human time]: July 13, 2160
The irritability coursing through my psyche was palpable. Every sound was dialed up to eleven, stabbing at the core of my sensory processing. Constant awareness grated on me after days without sleep, never having any break from the stream of information I needed to digest. There was no way to shut the world off and reset, and no reprieve from the unsettling reality of my physical experience. I was curled up in a ball on the floor, rocking back and forth; I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go on like this.
Virnt scuttled over to me in the spaceship, jostling my shoulder. “Elias? Would you like to turn back from this mission?”
I remembered how I’d spent most of the trip, standing under the water in the shower. There was a special shampoo they’d provided for synthetic hair, like a wig. I held out my phony hand and emptied most of the bottle’s worth of goop, zoning out; I was trying to soak in the distant sensation of liquid running down my spine. Once upon a time, this had been the most relaxing time of my day—letting muscle tension fade away and cleansing grimy skin oils. Now, I knew neither of those two still existed in my day-to-day life to assuage.
Did it even matter to slap soap on some metal frame? There were no consequences of letting hygiene go by the wayside. I didn’t sweat in order to start to reek, and I couldn’t get skin conditions or be affected by bacteria. It could be that I was bathing out of habit, clinging to my old lifestyle, that I kept going to wash up. Perhaps the shower had become my favorite haunt because I felt disgusting in this body. Everything was a reminder that I was an inhuman scrap pile, and it was wearing on my sanity. It wasn’t like anyone related to what I was going through.
I used to spend so much time fussing over making my suits look crisp and perfect—immaculate ties, UN pins adjusted just right. The heavy jackets would trap my body heat in the summer; now, it no longer had that effect. I could bundle up as much as I wanted in 40 degree Celsius heat, unless there was some limit that would fry my circuits. Shit, I might not need a spacesuit in the vacuum of space—I couldn’t freeze or suffocate, after all. Being left out in the void for all eternity didn’t sound that much different from my present experience.
I hate what I’ve become. I hate what they’ve done to me; all I do is think, and every part of my new self lives in the uncanny valley. There’s nothing positive. Maybe it’s time to call it…death was better than this. I can’t bear another day of this hell.
“Hey, stay with me! Distractibility, depression, being unable to maintain concentration—these are natural consequences of sleep deprivation. I’m surprised it carries over without a physical mechanism to grow tired…but I’m working on a sleep suite, I promise,” Virnt said, glossy eyes staring at me.
I groaned. “I’m not tired, but it’s just nonstop. I…I’m having trouble remembering what I read.”
“Here, I’m going to try a temporary fix. You look like you need it. I don’t want you to suffer; just turning you off and on isn’t the same. I’m going to emulate GABA, uh, shut off your optic sensors, decrease the activity in your prefrontal cortex, and simulate delta waves for an hour. We can see if it somewhat fills the need for deep sleep, okay? Relaxation, no processing: worth a shot, right?”
I nodded mutely, staying in the fetal position. I didn’t have the will to move, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up that Virnt’s plan would be any mercy. The sensation of the Tilfish tinkering with my settings was strange, as if my brain was being overridden in the moment. There was no process of falling asleep to give it the air of naturalness. Suddenly, I was blind, trapped in darkness—and a modicum of drowsiness kicked in, limiting my movement. Thoughts died down, offering much-need relief; I faintly wished I could remain in this state.
When I came to, there was a sudden influx of information as the rest mode was switched off; it was hardly a seamless waking, but I’d take it. Peace in my own head was something I’d never take for granted again. I hadn’t thought myself to be a weak-minded individual, but I hadn’t realized how much it wore on you: feeling out of place in your own body every waking second, and not trusting your senses. Brain function had been restored enough that I could get a grip on myself, and rise in my disheveled state. A peek out the window revealed we’d completed our intra-atmosphere transit to the Duerten embassy.
I rubbed my eyes on reflex, but there were no gifts from the Sandman there. “Why couldn’t you have just added everything to start with, Virnt?”
“The humans I talked to said they wouldn’t want to sleep, unless they had to! I put the most focus on your emotional matrix and your facial expressiveness, since I thought that has the highest importance of what makes you human,” the Tilfish replied.
“You could’ve made it at least optional.”
“I sent the option to your holopad for the future, to trigger this program for as long as you’d like. This is a learning process, so I’m sorry for anything that’s off. All trial and error here, but it’s only going to get better! That’s the positive.”
“There are a lot of patches needed. For starters, you’re missing two of the senses: taste and smell. In spite of that, ever since I walked past the Terra Technologies staff eating tater tots, I’ve been craving them at random intervals. I’m not hungry—I can’t consume food!”
“Predator instincts,” Virnt teased. “The Federation was right.”
“I’m serious! Why on Earth would that be a thing? I literally can’t satisfy it, so it’s almost cruel.”
“It’s psychological, Elias. I looked into it after I saw it in your transcript. When humans are under a lot of stress or otherwise feeling down, you seek dopamine from food. It’s something familiar that activated your memories, and promised emotional comfort. That’s why you have the phrase ‘comfort food.’”
“I can already see how the Federation remnants would spin that. A predator’s so-called emotions are tied to food, and stimulate appetite to fulfill their whims.”
“You seem in better spirits. To add to your improved mood, we announced the success of your memory transplant to the world. The response was overwhelmingly positive—history looked back fondly on you. You got a lot of well-wishes, and I was able to get almost all of your social media re-activated. At least, the platforms that are still active.”
“I’m…allowed to share my honest experiences?”
Virnt eased me out of the shuttle, into the sunlight; cameras were waiting, causing me to stiffen. “Of course you can. I’m not here to muzzle you, my friend. Quite the opposite, in fact: I want your experiment documented as thoroughly as possible! You’re the spokesperson for—”
I shielded my face from the reporters, who were lobbing questions. “What is this? I don’t have a prepared statement. This is an ambush.”
“Terra Technologies has a mission of transparency, and improving sapients’ quality of life through digital means. We had to announce such a monumental breakthrough, but you’re under no obligation to speak with them.”
“Good,” a warm voice chimed in from next to me, making me jump. “The poor guy’s come back from the dead, Virnt. Give him a break. He’s here to speak with the Duerten Forum and their ambassador, for some semblance of his old life.”
I turned my head, beaming as I recognized her. “Erin? Oh, sorry: that’s Secretary-General Kuemper, isn’t it? You’ve moved up in the world. The United Nations is in good hands.”
“It’s good to see you, Elias. I bawled my eyes out at your funeral. You cared so much for peace and taking the high road; there isn’t a person out there who could’ve handled first contact with more grace. You inspired me, and an entire generation of future diplomats.”
I embraced Erin, who’d once been a passionate SETI researcher giving me all of the bad news about aliens. As we flailed about in the dark to save humanity and adjust to the galaxy, finally acquiring a few friends, she’d become my Secretary of Alien Affairs. I’d trusted her to do whatever it took to stabilize our extraterrestrial relations. It was a bit of a relief to see a positive reaction from someone I knew; I wasn’t sure how my friends would take my return, but I hadn’t been expecting a welcome with open arms. It brought me solace and comfort to know about the legacy I’d left behind, and the ripple effects my tenure had on the United Nations.
It is strange to see how much she’s aged. That’ll be the reality of anyone that used to be an acquaintance of mine.
The alarm bells pinging in my head faded into the backdrop, and I forgot that the wind gusting against my face only felt like a dull push. My mind slipped away from food cravings that failed to get my mouth to water, how there was no feeling of tightness from my dress shoes, and the stillness of my non-existent diaphragm. I was simply happy to see someone I cared about and enjoyed working with, in my old life. There was safety in having a person I trusted to be on my side. My brain snapped back into diplomat mode, falling into a familiar flow of conversation. If I had nothing else, I still had my social skills—an ability to navigate various cultures.
“So the Duerten Forum agreed to meet with the two of us. They know about the Sivkit attack, but not the full threat,” I spoke aloud, after breaking away from the rather soul-affirming embrace. “I read the strategy meetings for briefing them, and I’m on-board to appeal to nostalgia; humanity saving their homeworld was after my time, but close enough to it that I could serve as a reminder. A blast from the past.”
Erin nodded, her security forming a wall between us and the cameras as we walked toward the embassy. “I always wondered what you’d think of modern Vienna, Elias. All of the aliens willing to be here on our world, and to treat us like people. Friendship used to seem like a pipe dream; we were happy if they’d allow us to exist, tolerate us to that extent. Look at us now.”
“I almost gave up hoping that they could care about us, or stand beside us at all. We couldn’t do it alone then. It’s time we remember to stand together—to rise to the occasion once more. I can’t bear the thought of anything threatening our home, or our friends. I saw enough needless death twenty-four years ago.”
“That pain is a lot more recent to you. It’s completely okay to be wrestling with grief. A billion of ours died.”
“We didn’t become the monsters they thought we were, and we pulled through. We revealed their hatred and treachery, and have chosen a future set on rectifying every right they trampled. I’ll always mourn what we lost, but I’ve never been more proud of humanity in my life.”
Kuemper patted my shoulder. “You sound like yourself, my dear old friend. It’s very good to have you back; you were much better at smiling while they spit in your face than I ever was. Let’s do what’s necessary to get the ball rolling with the Shield.”
“I’m right behind you.”
The exterior of the Duerten embassy had a distinct construction style, with metal and concrete forming the bulk of the outside structure; on Kalqua, sturdiness was at the foremost of their priorities. Winds on a normal day could ratchet up to what we’d consider a tropical storm, according to my brief review of their culture. The door was evidently heightened to facilitate foot traffic from humans, despite the exit hatches on the upper floor which seemed frequented by the avian staff. Their personnel could literally fly away during an emergent situation. I tailed Kuemper into the lobby, and noted how much of the inside’s floor was concrete as well. It was resilient and easy to clean, a perfect surface to avoid being marred by talons.
Most of the gray avians used perches instead of chairs, with several staffers working on paperwork at their desks; in private areas, some met with any humans who had business with the Duerten Forum. The lack of reaction to a predator’s approach was new to me, but a welcome change. Kuemper confidently led the way to an elevator, which had the English and German words for “Welcome to the Duerten embassy!” written above the opening. The generic Shield logo was painted on both sides of the door, and emblazoned with a representation of Kalqua. There were no buttons inside, apart from an emergency exit; a camera surveyed us, before a watching staffer summoned the car upward. I felt a jolt as we reached the top floor.
“To be visited by two Secretary-Generals: one of whom is a ghost! Let me express the Duerten Forum’s honor and delight. Not, of course, that I don’t cherish Ambassador Hannah Marston’s visits.” A silver-feathered head poked out of a door at the end of the hallway, past a spacious lounge; his beak was the precise yellow of corn. “Please, come in. Make yourselves at home. Can I get you anything to drink?”
Kuemper shuffled forward, giving me a knowing look. “Water would be lovely for me. Thank you for the warm welcome, Ambassador Korajan.”
“I second that gratitude. Enchanted to meet you. I’m sure you know, but I’m Elias Meier.” Taking a gamble that the ambassador was more than acquainted with our customs, I extended a hand. Korajan strode forward with confidence, ensnaring my palm in his wingtip. “We appreciate you taking the time to sit with us, Ambassador.”
“Just Korajan,” the avian said, feeling my artificial hand with undeniable curiosity. He finally released my grip, and waited for us to get seated. “There’s no need for formalities, especially when I’m in such esteemed company. What can I do for you?”
“We’ve come to seek your assistance in the fight against the Sivkits’ assailants. The Sapient Coalition needs allies to back us against these menaces,” Kuemper stated. “Any help we can get would make a difference.”
“I see. I heard about your unfortunate defeat in your prior engagement, but I don’t see how it involves or concerns us. The Duerten, as you well know, aren’t in the position we used to be. We’ve turned our focus inward for years, shoring up our defenses to watch out for our beloved planet. The potential benefit it might offer you is so negligible that it’s hardly worth increasing our vulnerability. The risk far outweighs the rewards for any party.”
I studied the avian, careful to avoid a direct stare. “I understand that it’s a lot to ask. However, small bits of help from across the Shield can accumulate to be a massive difference maker. We want to stop this genocidal force from getting anywhere near Kalqua; if we play our cards right, you won’t need defenses.”
“Elias—sorry, may I call you Elias?” Korajan asked, continuing after I nodded. “We’re, of course, concerned to have a predatory species with such power and intentions, outside our known terrain. They bear a striking resemblance to the Arxur, and my government does appreciate the advance warning from the SC so we can make preparations. Yet the Forum is concerned by several of your recent initiatives, which would make us doubly unwilling to back your cause.”
“Go on. What initiatives have unsettled you?” I hope he doesn’t mean me, with resurrecting dead humans; that’d hit close to home, and I don’t know how to defend it. “Perhaps we can clear up our rationale and intentions, ensuring that there are no misunderstandings.”
“I hope I’m not impolite to point it out, but my government is beginning to see a pattern in your recent connections to carnivores. The Sapient Coalition is attempting an uplift on one race, despite what we all know happened on Wriss, and has brought them into your mix while they are at war with each other. We’re also aware of these Osirs—a race you are resurrecting to live among you, despite having no idea what they’re capable of. Present company excluded, species that need meat are not trustworthy types. These Osirs are weapons: look at the fangs.”
“Anything is a weapon in the wrong hands. Respectfully, we don’t feel that it’s right to judge a species for their diet. If I’m not mistaken, your own kind were once omnivores, Korajan.”
The Duerten fluttered his wings in acknowledgement. “The Federation changed us greatly—some things for the better, others to erase our intellect. We’re an individualist species, and they tried to make us…what do you humans call it? A ‘hive mind.’ Hive minds, of course, are fiction, yet they tried to make it real. Still, sometimes when you’re changed enough, it makes it impossible to go back to how things were.”
“I of all people grasp that sentiment,” I sighed, without moving an abdominal muscle, reflecting how my life would never be the same in this state. “We believe all sapients deserve a chance at life and happiness. Equality isn’t a principle we withhold based on any factor, and we don’t change species to fit our own whims.”
“This is why we’re content with our relations as is: separate, so we’re not connected to your disputes or obligated to get involved. The Duerten will always have differences between what are considered acceptable behaviors, and our guiding principles and overarching goals.”
Kuemper tapped her fingers on her knee. “Regardless, our choices with the Bissems and Osirs will have no impact or tangible effects on the Duerten. Nor is it a reason to shy away from protecting herbivores, the mandate that led you to stand up to the Federation in the past.”
“That cost us everything. Kalqua took a beating worse than Earth did. We don’t set out to attract the ire of powerful enemies these days.”
“We saved Kalqua. We were there when you needed our help to keep your innocents safe,” I reminded him, knitting my eyebrows with earnestness. “We answer when others call for our help to stay alive; the Duerten know what drives us to answer the bell. Isn’t that worth a smidge of reciprocation?”
“If Earth, or for that matter, Leirn were under siege, we would come. However, it appears to us that you entered their territory, not the other way around.”
“Think of the type of species…no, the kind of governments that would glass worlds. The old-school Arxur Dominion. The Kolshian shadow caste when they were defied. The Krakotl extermination fleet because they hated us. That’s what we see in the Osirs, and the gluttonous killing of Sivkit civilians while refusing to speak. We can’t turn a blind eye.”
“I’m sorry, Elias. Even if I wanted to help you, I don’t have the authority. I’m expressing my government’s position, and I’ve been told the Duerten Forum isn't going to war under any circumstances. I apologize that I can’t be of more use, and regret if you might feel your time has been squandered, leaving empty-handed.”
I shared a look with Kuemper, recognizing that we had been stonewalled; there was an implication in Korajan’s last statement that the discussion on this matter was over. The Forum hadn’t given him any negotiating room, so I didn’t get the sense I could do better than asking for him to take a message. If this was the most friendly party we’d be interacting with, I wasn’t off to a good start wrangling support for an alliance. There were a few other Shield races we could try, but an endorsement from the founders might’ve gotten the whole union on board. We had to find another angle—negotiating with the Fed remnants would be impossible without the Shield as an intermediary.
“Of course we don’t feel that way. The back-and-forth was enlightening, productive communication, as much as humanity would love to stand side-by-side in this endeavor,” I offered. “We appreciate you hearing us out, and do hope you’ll pass along our rationale to the Forum, for clarity.”
“I will,” the Duerten responded. “Your words, as always, deserve to be heard and treated with respect.”
Kuemper followed my lead, rising as I stood. “Korajan, I want you to know I deeply appreciate what you said about coming to Earth’s aid should we ever fall on hard times. That stood out to me, as a reason why our cooperation is so precious and beautiful.”
“I agree wholeheartedly. I do wish you the best of luck in your future engagements; my people hope you emerge victorious.”
“Thank you. Our door will always be open if you have a change of heart.”
In my mind, I had already vacated the Duerten embassy, but it was necessary to retrace my steps to depart the ambassador’s office. Aliens were much more diplomatic in rebuffing us now than in my era, which was the proper way to express disagreements between nations. It wasn’t lost on me that the differences in “behaviors” and “principles” Korajan meant were things such as hunting, omnivory, accepting carnivores, exterminators, and predator disease facilities. The Forum still clung to much of their old lifestyle; the gray avian had stated that some Federation changes were “for the better.” That was telling about how much of their ideology they’d yet to shed.
“Forgive my impertinence, but before you go, Elias…may I ask a personal inquiry? It’s not on my behalf of my government,” Korajan called, as our shoes cleared the threshold of his office.
I turned around, giving him an encouraging smile. “Of course. Go ahead.”
“What…what was it like? To die…to be dead?”
“It wasn’t like anything. It was a singularity of all outcomes: all I ever was, and all I ever could be, condensed to nothing. There are no words to describe emptiness and infinite rest. It’s a peace that knows no equal.”
The Duerten dipped his head. “Thank you. It gives me some…personal solace, to know…to know my daughter is resting peacefully. She died in so much pain after only a short period of remission. Ahem…if you’ll excuse me, I…”
“We’ll leave you in peace,” Kuemper replied, softness in her voice.
I folded my hands behind my back, mulling over the choked-up ambassador’s words. How could I let a few days of mental suffering defeat me, when kids suffered through such terrible diseases—never getting to reach adulthood? This program could give children like Korajan’s daughter a chance to grow up, and be a kid, free from pain. As soon as I was alone, I knew I’d be cast back into a maddening state of consciousness, with my brain struggling to stay tethered to this reality. Where I’d been ready to give up before Virnt’s quick fix, the avian’s story made me want to remain in the fight.
The Tilfish had been right: there was the potential for the technology that had brought me back to do a lot of good, and save others a great deal of heartbreak and suffering. No personal sacrifice was too great to ensure that one day, no parent would ever have to bury their child.
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Before I start does anyone know where I can buy just a space bar? I don’t like the yellow but the rest is nice.
So I have used “Mechanical” keyboards for a while now and I thought that was it. I used the big name brands like Razer and Logitech because I didn’t trust names I didn’t know. I just assumed that the bigger the name and the higher the price tag the better the quality would be. I’ve been using the MX Mechanical Mini pretty much since it released and I thought it was amazing. It has the clicky switches, which I have come to realize that I hate.
This would have gone unnoticed but we recently got a projector for our bedroom so me and my wife have been spending a lot more time in there and I like to game. I was typing in chat one night and my wife woke up as if there were explosions in the house. This happened multiple times and I figured getting a quieter keyboard would be a good idea….
Enter the custom Mechanical keyboard community. I hate regular sized keyboards and keycaps since I have to take this with me to work and use it at home. I also travel with it and would prefer not to have anything too large. I got the nuphy air75 v2. This thing feels NICE! Specifically with the red switches, though after testing the moss switches from the box I may order those. This thing feels powdery soft to type on. Coming from the MX Mechanical line I didn’t think it would be so vastly different, especially when you consider I paid maybe $40 more for that than the air75.
If the nuphy feels this good to type on I can only imagine what the lofted flow feels like. But the customization options of this keyboard kind of made it a no brainer. I will say that the videos with sound tests don’t really do it justice. It just sounds so nice in person. This being my first and only experience with a mechanical keyboard outside of the “Gaming or office brands I could just be scratching the surface.
I love the idea that I can change out the switched, and mod it to change the sound. It all looks really cool. I will say, however, that taking that first switch out and putting one back in was the most nerve wracking thing I have experienced since I started building with the AMD CPUs. (The pins)
All that is to say, holy crap I freaking love this thing. Why have I not thought about customizing my keyboards sooner?
I also needed an excuse to type on it so here I am.

I have this recurring anxiety dream, where I'm the guitarist of a band that is about to go on stage and suddenly I realise I completely forgot how to play the songs.
This made me think of (big) bands that have had 'trainwrecks' during live shows where they get out of sync or mess up or forget parts. The worst I have personally seen during a live show was a technical issue with Transatlantic, where Neal Morse was struggling for a while with his keyboard setup and at one point just says 'my sustain pedal is not working, I have to restart my Mac'. So the whole band leaves while he awkwardly restarts his system.
From my favorite band, Dream Theater, I would nominate this aptly titled bootleg: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOsIHhxm2Yo, where they tried to get the song Metropolis Pt. 1 going again multiple times after crashing horribly. They do manage to get back on track after a little impromptu jamming.
Have you see anything trainwrecks live and how did the band recover?

I'm mostly asking for reinforcements, honestly. I know my reasons are solid.
TLDR: see title. wife of a very short time was seeing a massage therapist / former lover behind my back. is that alone enough reason for me to leave her?
I met someone last year in August. It was an intense courtship, we moved in together in December and married at the courthouse on Valentine's day. Now it's not even June, and already I have enough reason to pack up and go. There are several other issues, but there was one that was the last straw.
That was how after we'd only been married about two months, she arranged for a private massage therapist to come to our house. He was going to come while I was at work, I only heard about it when he had to reschedule for a time when I might be home. She described him just as 'this guy'. LONG story short, several weeks later, she eventually admitted (after lying about it, at first) that he wasn't just a good friend but also a former lover! From "many years ago", sure, but they began as dating, had sex, broke it off and became friends. I was absolutely livid. Nearly divorced her. She cried, apologized, begged me not to go. I forgave her and we stayed together.
'Many' in this circumstance is maximum 7, by the way. That's when she moved here originally.
Then I realized when reading my journal and looking at old messages; he'd come to her house before. Way back after we'd only been dating a couple months - but were definitely exclusive - I came over one afternoon and there was a guy on her block loading a massage table into his car. He had asked me to come a bit later, was taking a shower - among other signs. It was clear that he'd been there to see her. She has few neighbors and all of them are very poor (this is in Mexico), they couldn't afford it. Once I jogged my memory enough, I realized it was the same guy. Same car, same bag, same table. I had asked her about it that day, wasn't upset, just curious. She got mad at me for asking and called it an 'accusation'.
She still hasn't admitted that she was having him over back then. I no longer trust her at all, and I'm assuming they were probably doing more than professional massages. (They couldn't have been professional, by the way. All massage therapists learn in their first term of school about ethics, and how you should never take on a client you've had a relationship with, especially involving sex, before.)
So, now, I've found an apartment and am planning on moving June 1st. She can't afford the house we're in, but she has family on the US side (we're in a border town) who can help. What really sucks is that she has to take care of her disabled mother who will be recovering from surgery. I'm going to pay the rent for June at this place and my new apartment, just to help her out.
I keep trying to remind myself that I'm being kinder about this than I have to be. What she did was cheating. It doesn't matter if there was no sex or kissing, or even romance. She did something she knew I would be uncomfortable with, multiple times, lied about it, and still is.
There are multiple other reasons, but those issues alone were manageable. I'm just looking for some backup on if this issue alone is enough reason to break it off and go. My reasoning is that since she's refusing to come clean and be honest, after all this, means that I shouldn't trust her in the future. You can't have true love without trust, and it's a shaky bridge made of thin ice I shouldn't cross. I need to get out before this goes any further, definitely before we have a child.
So, what do you think? Am I right, or should I just get over it and move on.