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Crossposted on PsychedelicTherapy - just wondering if you guys have any perspective.
Hey guys, just wondering if anyone has any advice or perspective they could lend me.
I was caught with less than 0.5g marijuana while driving from legal state to legal state in a freak accident. This led police to find 3g of mushrooms in my car. If I didn't take the plea deal offered, I would have gone to jail.
I don't use psychedelics for fun. I suffer from pretty debilitating CPTSD from childhood enmeshment and emotional incest (think Jennette Mccurdy). The only thing that's ever slipped past my ego that is so set on never letting my guard down was LSD, and other psychedelics thereafter. I didn't realize it was even possible to feel okay (aka not chronically suicidal) until I did LSD in a supportive setting. Regular use of small dose psilocybin, and annual use of high dose psychedelics along with twice weekly therapy has helped and changed me so significantly that I have actually had multiple month-long periods where I don't have any depressive episodes. This was never a thing for me before. On a side-note, that LSD experience made me believe in God, and psychedelic experiences have become a semi-religious personal ritual for me. After my legal experience in which most every lawyer scoffed at the idea of religious use of psychedelics, it seems clear to me that the First Amendment is dead.
Ever since I was almost jailed for doing the thing that almost certainly saved me from suicide, I just hate America. I also hate society in general because it has the power to dictate things like whether or not I can have access to medicine that saved me. I have been bed-ridden in depression for most of this year, and have suicidal thoughts only once or twice a day on good days, and on bad days I sit in bed avoiding eating because I haven't committed to not dying yet that day. I have lost a significant amount of weight from this. It would be nice to once again get to the point where I don't even have suicidal thoughts occur. Right now the best is when I think "no, I feel good enough to not want that right now, but thanks for the suggestion, brain!" (Lol) I also struggle to hold down a regular job (which would get me out of the house) because I don't want to live half the time, and it makes it hard for me to commit to work...I also make most of my income as a gigging solo musician, so I can usually spend most days in bed until I have to play. Playing is often the only solace I get.
I'm currently deciding what the hell to do. I don't want to move because I really love and trust my therapist, but I think it would feel great to live somewhere with decriminalization. I'm planning on saving for a trip to Spain to hike El Camino in fall, and Spain has decriminalized all drugs. I still fear that any laws might get changed, though. I just hate that society can just do that to people. I currently have the opportunity to do 5-MEO in a therapeautic setting with a professional. I wonder if this would help, but it seems like it might be too intense for me right now. The idea of being caught again really bothers me. I also have trauma associated with antidepressants as my enmeshed family tried to push them, and the narrative that my brain is just innately depressed onto me...(basically blaming the effects of all of their abuse on my brain having a defect). It seems to me that they worked for me because I actually believed my parents...they stopped working once I read about the portion of placebo effect of SSRIs. I also find the idea of anything that can suppress psychedelic experiences very creepy, untrustworthy, and antithetical to my spiritual/religious beliefs.
Any thoughts, or ways to frame this to make more peace with this are greatly appreciated. I am struggling with finding hope.
Thank you.

I'm gonna be honest here. I personally consider this to be the worst episode of the entire show. It is so mean spirited. None of the characters, aside from her mom of all people, believed Tori whenever she told them about Ponnie/Fawn and instead believed that she was going crazy. Why would they think that? These guys have known Tori long enough to know that she would never make up something like this. Even then, they don't even apologize to Tori at the end of the episode once they learn that she was telling the truth.
Another thing, I HATED Jennette McCurdy as Ponnie/Fawn. I truly think they should've gotten a different actress to play the characte