Hi, sorry if this seems so jumbled. I just want to start of by saying I am NOT diagnosed. In the future I plan on seeking out an evaluation.
But anyways, one of the reasons I believe I may be autistic is due to the fact that I don't understand a lot of things socially. I'm quiet and polite, I'm kind. Most of the time I'm genuinely just chilling. I am kind to people because I know the world and people are cruel. I don't believe I'm like "creepily" overly kind where people feel as if I'm invasive. I have never understood why people talk badly about others behind their back and I don't participate. I find no reason to because why should I? It's their life, let them live it.
I also want to say I'm a young woman in her 20s and unfortunately women can be mean and sneaky and unfortunately it seems hard to find friends who are genuine.I'm not saying that to be offensive at all or to sound like the "I'm not like other girls". I genuinely just don't understand why. In high school it was of course especially bad. I'd have girl friends that would be genuinely nice for years. And suddenly it's like a weird mask comes off and they get jealous and angry. I wouldn't even call myself conveniently attractive so I don't believe to be a threat in terms of looks. I'd always respect boundaries regarding their boyfriends, never texted them and only hung out with them when my friend was around. I'd never even sit close to them. But it seems like a weird possessiveness would take over.
I had a best friend of over 5 years. We were inseparable. We laughed and cried together. But when I finally got a boyfriend (fiancé now) that treated me kindly (both of us unfortunately have a history of unstable and abusive relationships), it's like that mask came off and jealousy came roaring in. She suddenly stopped talking to me as much. After I moved in with him I'd offer her to come over (My fiancé would as well) I'd still try to face time her regularly, I'd text her and ask how she was doing. She would constantly make excuses as to why she wasn't talking as much and coming over. Unfortunately we had a very bad falling out which included her accusing me of abandoning her despite me reassuring her and making my best efforts to remain in contact. I felt awful because I never meant for her to feel that way. My fiancé would constantly reassure me it was jealousy and that it was her own problem and that I did the best I could. When I tried to speak to her calmly about it, it seemed she would attack my character and kept reiterating that I had abandoned her. After I moved she also began hanging around this guy, let's call him J. Who disliked me for no reason. I was friends with his fiancé and I used to think he was my friend too until my former best friend informed me he would talk badly about me when I was not there. That hurt me of course because I genuinely enjoyed his company and he was friendly to me. After I moved away she began hanging out with him more and she said later on how he was the only one there for her when she would question why I abandoned her.
That was a couple years ago now and as silly as it sounds in still greiveing it and trying to understand, not just the one incident but the similar ones I had growing up. I have trouble understanding how jealousy works, because I always celebrate my friends and family's achievements. What did I do wrong? I'm really sorry if this seems weird or not for this sub. I just thought that others here would understand the frustration of not fully understanding social norms.
So, TLDR: Please try to explain to autistic (possibly) woman why NT women are jealous all the time. Thank you.

I think a lot of people here are suffering from anxiety about this horrible disease, and I just wanted to say what is helping me get over this fear, so that maybe someone will get over it as well.
My sister almost died 3 days ago. She had an anaphylactic shock, the doctors werent given her the epi that she needed (we dont have epi pens here). Since I am a doctor, I made a scene and started prepping the shots myself, as I watched as her airways were closing, and the doctors there were shocked to see that she was getting worse so fast, they didnt think that she would get this bad and thought it was just a bad allergy.
At that exact moment, my fear of rabies dissapeared, for a moment I wasnt thinking about what might happen, or if my indirect exposure was a fatality that would kill me.
I literally stopped my life because of this fear, I couldnt work, I wasnt getting out of the house as much as I do, I stopped running everyday, I stopped studying, everything for some irrational thoughts that I could not control.
Sometimes we think we need to listen that everything is going to be okay, but honestly, it all can change in a second. We cant control everything and that is just life.
There are a lot of people in this subreddit with legit stories and fear because they indeed had a direct exposure and dont know what to do.
But If you are here and you ve been told multiple times that it wasnt an exposure, your doctors also told you that, and you still cant get over that fear, you should consider getting off this subreddit and go get help. Therapy is helping me a lot and honestly its one of the best things you could do.
Since I was with her at the hospital I didnt check this subreddit, nor did I research on google for more fuel to my anxiety, and I think this is crucial to break this never ending cycle of fear and reassurance seeking.
I hope we can all get better from this, and keep improving each and every day. Remember that improvement isnt a strait line, there might be some ups and downs along the way, but we cant let this fear control our lives.
Tommorrow I will get back to work, helping other people along the way, improving myself and getting my mind off of this fear that I still have.
I hope that we can all get better from this! Be safe everyone!!

Dear XBoX players,
since release of Project Resolve I have the issue with multiple Delta (03 I think) crashes. Game updates thereafter brought some relieve but still happening a lot.
I don't have the issue when playing solo but when playing in team. In most cases we get the Delta's when we play an activity and someone is not at the same place, being at White House, clearing backpack, ... or for whetever reason being at a different place and not close to the team or fast travelling few seconds later. Every team member gets these crashes.
I reinstalled the game but that didn't help.
I play with international people from all parts of the world, Australia, New Zealand, China, US, UK, Brazil, Switzerland, Thailand, France, Netherlands mainly. In a team we are mostly from different continents :). Not sure if this is the issue. Before Project Resolve we didn't have these crashes. It's so annoying because happening multiple times when playing after work.
Do you XBoX player, playing in teams, have the same issue or did you find a solution? Does someone know whats driving this?
Best
Gnarly

To the married people,,,do you ever feel like you married the right one. And to the men when you married did you feel like you will always stay true. I am 25(m) i live with my wife 22 (f) we've been married for like 2 years now. I will spare you all the details of how we married young but i can say as time goes she is the best. The love is still strong and i feel like u love her everyday. She does everything house and she also does some online gigs. I work in a company and earn some good cash. We are currently expecting and cant wait for the little one to come. To you guys how does it go,,,will it stay like this forever coz i want it to.

Hi, i’m not sure where to start.. but first of all i’m mentally ill and i’m trying to work on myself for years. I have clinical depression, social anxiety and bipolar disorder which makes me even more “easy” to hurt. My bf has untreated adhd and anger issues. He deal with this on his own by smoking canabis since he was 13. Problem is that he is stoned since he wakes up till he goes to sleep and he is so angry when he’s not. He can’t even try to solve things or communicate without smoking. It really piss me of when i’m trying to communicate with him about some problem and he gets mad and “needs to calm down to think” by going to smoke. He’s also smoking at work which i’m not okay with. This is not the reason why i’m writing this but i just want you to get into this situation as much as i can. We are together for a year. 4 months ago i’ve made a choice to change my job so we can live together and spend more time together. Now we are coworkers (we worked at a same place just in diff shifts which made it hard for us cuz i woke him up when i came back from work). It was hard for me to change a shift cuz of my social anxiety. I also lost my best friend cause he hated him and said that he will hurt me. Now to the problem - when we were together for like 6 months my girl friend tried his loyalty by trying to flirt with him - and he failed in whole another level. Just for you to know we did it cause i didn’t trust him cuz of some things that i knew.. like.. he is exhibicionist i guess.. in past he sent a lot of dic pics to random people cuz that feeling that someone could see it turned him on.. i never thought it was a real problem cause he never really had a gf before me so i thought that that’s the reason why he was doing stuff like this. Buut I found out by accident that he is STILL doing this stuff! And he is paying for it?… he is paying online cam sites like omegle to show his D to people. I found it really weird. We r having s*x normally so that’s not a problem. As i said we ate living together but he is doing this stuff when i go to visit my parents? They live 15 min away. Also i’ve found out when i was at my lowest - my cat (10) tragically died in my arms and i was for a week at my patent’s cuz it was our cat and they were also destroyed by what happend to our cat. My cat died before Valentine’s and i was waiting for my psychiatrist to change andress in my sick note so i couldn’t leave to go to see him. He got mad and sent me a lot of angry ugly voice mails and went to go show his D on cam sites and do stuff…. lately when i tried to talk to him about this he just told me that he thought that it was over and that he can’t hurt methat he wasnt really thinking. He did this whole year of our relationship and this was his “sorry.” He told me that he is sorry and that he loves me. I stayed calm and tried to understand why is he doing this and stayed hurt inside. Lately i had a break down cuz of that (which makes sense i guess). He’s been so jealous lately that i talk to my coworkers (30+ with wifes) and that im too kind to people and that im smilin at people???.. i seriously don’t know what to do … i tried to do my best to fix this relationship but i’m at my limit. He cheated on me our whole relationship i gave him EVERYTHING and he is mad that i’m smiling at people? What the heck. What’s wrong with him? Please help me

I'm bored so I was just randomly thinking about stuff, when it occurred to me that Tamil Nadu is probably the best state for living.
Take our 4 neighbours, Kerala, Karnataka, Telangana and Andhra Pradesh, none of them are as good as TN.

1. We have better food (lol). I just find that food from the other states dont taste as well. like KA sambar is too damn sweet, AP and TS rasam is too spicy, KL red rice isnt as good as white rice etc.
   
2. Living conditions are decent. We have good communication equipment, proper water supply , less crime , which wasnt the case 30 years ago.
   
3. more opportunities for jobs due to Industrial boom.
   

Am I right or am I high ?

Any and all perspectives help more than you know. I don’t have anybody to really talk about this with so any guidance is appreciated. It’s a lot to read, I might yap but with reason
I’m 19 years old and have just finished my spring semester of college. I went to a big college out of town, my main financial aid fucked me over so I had to switch at semester to my home state’s university. Anyway, this year was kinda tough for me lost a couple family members & my boyfriend had it rough, lost his best friend and dad within a few months of each other. Then we find out I’m pregnant. I wasn’t sure what I really wanted but didn’t get to make a choice, I miscarried sometime later. It was hard so I went back to hometown & finished semester online while staying with boyfriend until I needed to move my stuff out of dorm.
My boyfriend is 19 and we’ve been together a year & a half, but known each other since middle school. We dated in 8 grade until he had to move out of state, he moved back & we started hanging out again. My circle is small & I don’t really make/have any friends but he’s my best friend. Even if we wouldn’t have chose to date after he came back to town, ik we would’ve been good friends. My family liked him or seemed to at least, especially my mom.
It’s well known in my family that my mom and I just don’t get along. She kept me quite literally locked away as the Cinderella child until I left. I could only do things if she wasn’t in a bad mood/something didn’t need cleaned/ a child didn’t need to be picked up/dropped off. My friends in high school never invited me ANYWHERE lmao but after a while I figured out it’s easier to just deal w it rather than push back harder. I didn’t know how to use a crosswalk until I was 14 lmao I was so sheltered sorry ANYWAYS, I turned 18 and it was like I had a brand new mother until her fear of me leaving wore off.
Long story short, the summer before I left for college (last summer) my mom & I got into a fight, I didn’t have anywhere else to go so I moved in with boyfriend. My mom did the absolute most, almost got me fired from my job & ambulance ended up being called from how much of a tantrum she threw. It was so ridiculous that she refused to tell anybody what happened when people asked because she said it’s too embarrassing for her.
Just like that, she flipped. My boyfriend had a rough upbringing which she knows some stuff about. She took that and twisted the narrative to make him seem like some sort of charity case that took advantage of her generous & good graces. She calls him the hungry kid who hangs out w her daughter behind my back. He’s no longer allowed at her house lmao just out of spite. He never said a word to her or about her when she had the worst to say about him, he never was disrespectful or showed up to the house either so idrk why she said that. Even when I moved out & she drained my entire savings I had worked for since I was 15, he never said anything bad about her just that i was going to be okay & he’s gonna help me figure it out. Not only that but she shunned me for a long time, refused to talk & look at me after I moved out. My little brother was 5 and didn’t really understand but my mom didn’t try to explain or kid proof it, just let him scream, cry, & claw at my legs whenever I’d leave the house to go home. I felt incredibly guilty & like I had to compensate so I’d stress out & make sure to see her and my siblings every single day till I left for college.
If you’re still reading thank you sm.
Fast forward to today, I went to college finished my semester and am back in my hometown. Over breaks in college I’ve stayed at my moms cause she expected me to and her & I’s relationship has gotten so much better with distance. Between her and boyfriend, they were my biggest support especially with the miscarriage. But the only conversation they’ve had is when him and I went to talk to my mom in person when I found out I was pregnant. Not sure where she stands with him idrc but I’m sure she probably hates him more since we did technically make her worst fear as a mother come true.
Im living with her now mainly cause I don’t want to be isolated again & i physically cant deal with the debilitating anxiety and guilt every day, I wanted to try to focus on healing & resting before I start classes in the fall. Boyfriend’s family situation is getting v challenging for him, hes gonna get a place regardless. I really just want a space where I’m not feeling constantly overstimulated & I miss living with him a lot honestly. We make the best team & it’s so easy with him. I catch myself getting so excited looking at furniture even from the thrift or think ab cooking meals w him or decorating. I miss him making breakfast for me before I wake up and folding laundry together and grocery shopping. He’s paying 6 months rent in advance so that I won’t have to worry about getting enough hours & can enjoy summer and actually rest. Both of us independently have a pretty thick cushion to fall back on too just in case. So finances aren’t a problem I think?
My mom isn’t too keen on the idea. I think she doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes she made, which I understand because I was also there when she was left with half of every pair of shoes she owned, I mean he took literally half of everything. Even in the case that we do break up and then I’m stuck with an apartment with my ex and have completely fucked myself over, at least I was able to make my own mistake for the first time and learn from it? Idk what to tell my mom or how the conversation should go. I don’t wanna be shunned again but then again I’ve never once been able to just do something and justify it with “it’s my life”. Idk, advice/thoughts/bullshit/opinions please please help. Have a blessed day, thank you. I appreciate your time & input more than you know, I don’t have anybody to bounce ideas around with.

Any and all perspectives help more than you know. I don’t have anybody to really talk about this with so any guidance is appreciated. It’s a lot to read, I might yap but with reason
I’m 19 years old and have just finished my spring semester of college. I went to a big college out of town, my main financial aid fucked me over so I had to switch at semester to my home state’s university. Anyway, this year was kinda tough for me lost a couple family members & my boyfriend had it rough, lost his best friend and dad within a few months of each other. Then we find out I’m pregnant. I wasn’t sure what I really wanted but didn’t get to make a choice, I miscarried sometime later. It was hard so I went back to hometown & finished semester online while staying with boyfriend until I needed to move my stuff out of dorm.
My boyfriend is 19 and we’ve been together a year & a half, but known each other since middle school. We dated in 8 grade until he had to move out of state, he moved back & we started hanging out again. My circle is small & I don’t really make/have any friends but he’s my best friend. Even if we wouldn’t have chose to date after he came back to town, ik we would’ve been good friends. My family liked him or seemed to at least, especially my mom.
It’s well known in my family that my mom and I just don’t get along. She kept me quite literally locked away as the Cinderella child until I left. I could only do things if she wasn’t in a bad mood/something didn’t need cleaned/ a child didn’t need to be picked up/dropped off. My friends in high school never invited me ANYWHERE lmao but after a while I figured out it’s easier to just deal w it rather than push back harder. I didn’t know how to use a crosswalk until I was 14 lmao I was so sheltered sorry ANYWAYS, I turned 18 and it was like I had a brand new mother until her fear of me leaving wore off.
Long story short, the summer before I left for college (last summer) my mom & I got into a fight, I didn’t have anywhere else to go so I moved in with boyfriend. My mom did the absolute most, almost got me fired from my job & ambulance ended up being called from how much of a tantrum she threw. It was so ridiculous that she refused to tell anybody what happened when people asked because she said it’s too embarrassing for her.
Just like that, she flipped. My boyfriend had a rough upbringing which she knows some stuff about. She took that and twisted the narrative to make him seem like some sort of charity case that took advantage of her generous & good graces. She calls him the hungry kid who hangs out w her daughter behind my back. He’s no longer allowed at her house lmao just out of spite. He never said a word to her or about her when she had the worst to say about him, he never was disrespectful or showed up to the house either so idrk why she said that. Even when I moved out & she drained my entire savings I had worked for since I was 15, he never said anything bad about her just that i was going to be okay & he’s gonna help me figure it out. Not only that but she shunned me for a long time, refused to talk & look at me after I moved out. My little brother was 5 and didn’t really understand but my mom didn’t try to explain or kid proof it, just let him scream, cry, & claw at my legs whenever I’d leave the house to go home. I felt incredibly guilty & like I had to compensate so I’d stress out & make sure to see her and my siblings every single day till I left for college.
If you’re still reading thank you sm.
Fast forward to today, I went to college finished my semester and am back in my hometown. Over breaks in college I’ve stayed at my moms cause she expected me to and her & I’s relationship has gotten so much better with distance. Between her and boyfriend, they were my biggest support especially with the miscarriage. But the only conversation they’ve had is when him and I went to talk to my mom in person when I found out I was pregnant. Not sure where she stands with him idrc but I’m sure she probably hates him more since we did technically make her worst fear as a mother come true.
Im living with her now mainly cause I don’t want to be isolated again & i physically cant deal with the debilitating anxiety and guilt every day, I wanted to try to focus on healing & resting before I start classes in the fall. Boyfriend’s family situation is getting v challenging for him, hes gonna get a place regardless. I really just want a space where I’m not feeling constantly overstimulated & I miss living with him a lot honestly. We make the best team & it’s so easy with him. I catch myself getting so excited looking at furniture even from the thrift or think ab cooking meals w him or decorating. I miss him making breakfast for me before I wake up and folding laundry together and grocery shopping. He’s paying 6 months rent in advance so that I won’t have to worry about getting enough hours & can enjoy summer and actually rest. Both of us independently have a pretty thick cushion to fall back on too just in case. So finances aren’t a problem I think?
My mom isn’t too keen on the idea. I think she doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes she made, which I understand because I was also there when she was left with half of every pair of shoes she owned, I mean he took literally half of everything. Even in the case that we do break up and then I’m stuck with an apartment with my ex and have completely fucked myself over, at least I was able to make my own mistake for the first time and learn from it? Idk what to tell my mom or how the conversation should go. I don’t wanna be shunned again but then again I’ve never once been able to just do something and justify it with “it’s my life”. Idk, advice/thoughts/bullshit/opinions please please help. Have a blessed day, thank you. I appreciate your time & input more than you know, I don’t have anybody to bounce ideas around with.

My daughter wants to run away (or technically she is just moving out without telling us because she is 18 ..her sister told us her plan). She is still in HS but goes to the community college to do her classes. She is only 4 weeks away from graduating and decided to just stop doing her homework and hang out with friends 40-60 hrs a week. She is failing half her classes. She is literally doing a belly flop before the finish line. She thinks we are too strict. I personally disagree and think we are huge pushovers and enablers. I only have 3 expectations...no underage drinking, no drugs, and do your homework. We also expect her to attend a brief church service on Sundays. Curfew at 12 on the weekends because if not she seems to get herself into dangerous situations and we have a curfew of 9 pm on weekdays because we hope she will do homework at some point during the night (she refuses to do it during the day). Are we too strict? Too soft? We love her unconditionally. Graduating high school statistically is proven to help with a better financial future. Tell me where I could be a better parent. I only want the best for her but she doesn't feel loved. I shower her with love and service and tell her I love her and compliment her all the time. I asked if we could go to counseling together so I could learn how to help her feel loved better and she didn't seem interested. She does go to counseling once a week by herself. I have a great marriage and great relationships with all my adult kids. How can I change the situation where she will want to live at home and graduate? Should I have zero rules and expectations? I feel like if I am providing financially I should have some basic expectations (like go to class, don't drink etc) She has no money saved and the car she drives is ours...so she can't take it. Thank you for your advice.

Hello, you can call me Cory. I am a woman nearly 23 and just went no contact with my mom. It all happened so fact and I’m not regretting it at all, but I am trying to process it. I’ve always ALWAYS had horribly mixed feelings about my mom. She has always been so scared and angry and yet she was the only parent ever in my life. My dad came in and out ripping my heart to pieces and she was my only constant. She was at least taking care of us(my older brother and I) though my brother did most of the emotional part since she was always so scarily unpredictable. Lashing out for needing lunch money, signatures, talking to her too soon after she got home from work, asking about dinner was a regular if not daily occurrence in that house. She also didn’t want to be a mom and reminded us of that constantly. We ‘ruined’ her. We were always a burden it seemed. There was also the threat of her sending us to our father, who she knew was physically violent, if we protested or cause too much trouble. She primed us for college as if that was our life purpose, and now I’m here. My brother didn’t finish college and so the pressure shifted all to me in high school. I broke myself and burnt out trying to get all A’s and the best test scores possible. I did rotc, our band’s color guard, culinary, honor societies, you name it. I got to my senior year and Covid came. I honestly enjoyed being able to recluse for the time I was able, some may say I still am. It was the first time in my life if felt like I was able to realize college wasn’t a dream for me, it was hers. Telling her that came with the mixed message of she wanted me to be happy but she would not support me at all if I didn’t go; knowing I couldn’t support myself, I went. I just kept faltering though, I was unable to handle much of college after sophomore year but I just wanted to get it over with. During that time she married my ex’s dad and didn’t even bother to tell me. I found out while helping her edit a letting to his boss thanking them for the honeymoon. I was devastated. I felt like I wasn’t even a part of our own family anymore. This is after my brother went no contact with her too so I felt totally alone. She went across the country and left me alone in a state with no family. She did pay for my dorm but I felt abandoned. Telling her this was met with her telling me how selfish I was for not wanting her to go. Fast forward to now. I have moved in with my boyfriend, taken over all my bills and financially separated from her. Her new step son of course graduated on time and so she came down for it. I had been avoiding talking to her for months and involved her as little as I could in my life. Every conversation was so tense I never felt comfortable telling her anything in fear that it would be weaponized against me. So after days of her trying to push me into plans of seeing her, I finally cut the cord. I told her how far I felt from our relationship. I told her how hurt by our whole lives I was. I told her that I was glad that she had people around her for this so that she wasn’t alone. I told her that I couldn’t blame her for everything considering that she came from extreme abuse. Often times when I’m mad at her, I will see her as the little girl I saw in a picture of her when she was young. I look at her and I see such a broken woman who just decided that she would never seek help. I look at her and I see such a broken woman who just decided that she would never seek help. my father was physically abusive, so I got used to the feeling of not having a dad but for a while the thought that my mom might’ve eventually love me like I needed it got me through him and the loss of him. I feel like I’ve been begging with her for centuries to at least hear me out in a way that wasn’t dismissive. It never really worked. Any pain I expressed was taken as a criticism of her p dismissive. It never really worked. Any pain I expressed was taken as a criticism of her unwanted parentage. In a way I think it was that she got a whole new family that hurt the most. It feels like when she married him, she did everything she could to erase that we even existed. Bringing up my father was a no, her having a different last name was a no, suddenly our last name was bad and only representative of her father. It worked the same for him too though, her new husband. I don’t disagree with wanting to wipe the slate clean and begin anew, but to erase a father or a mother from your child’s life is to erase part of who that are. My dad abused all of us. Much of my life was defined by that. To erase him, came with her erasing this person who grew up only know how to fight or get hit. That’s who I’m trying to grow out of, but it is part of me. I can never deny that. I don’t ever want to talk to her, but I miss her so much. I miss feeling like we had a future, like he wanted me, like she felt safe with me. I miss feeling safe with her. I miss her smile and the way she laughed with me. I miss seeing her excited about life. I blocked her soon after because I thought she’d just tell me how horrible I was. I couldn’t imagine a situation where she would do what I wanted: hug me, apologize. I really wish I would have gotten a last hug or something because she hasn’t tried to contact me since. I know that is what I want, but that is only because she stopped trying to have a life with us. My adolescence felt like her race to the finish line. Before no contact, but after she moved, she had never come to visit me. She never called to talk about life past how I was in school. If I was too honest about my discontentment, we only fought, so everything became fake. I don’t know how to feel about this all. I’m struggling. I’m just looking for support and am in between therapists at the moment. Anything is something. I’m not looking to have my mind changed. I know she’s happy now that she can be in the world she wants. Thank you for reading.

Warning: Mentions of violence, blood, and some self harm near the end.
While browsing some random conspiracy site, I found what is a supposedly leaked file from the Nevada County Sheriff's Department; however, nothing has been confirmed. According to the OP, it is believed the following is the personal account of a 21 year old Jonathan Ashford of Grass Valley, California. Normally I would write stuff like this off but this one is...different. I’ve done my best to correct most of the grammar and misspelling while at the same time trying to avoid skewing the original account.
-September 15, 2022
I’ve never really been an outdoor person. Well, I guess that’s because I’ve never really been outdoors much in the first place. And that’s because I guess…I've never been invited? I don’t really have any friends. So, needless to say, I was surprised to find myself on a backpacking trip with a group of 5 other students from my university. The plan was five days in Tahoe National Forest some place called Mystery Lake. Monday-Friday. I don’t know why they decided to do it during the week. Most of us had okay grades at best and part time jobs on the side so taking a week off of it all seemed at the very least a bit irresponsible; and yet, I went anyway. Listen, I didn’t plan it, okay? This was one of my only chances to get to know people. The hike wasn’t too long but my genius self who had only been backpacking once when I was around 9 years old or so decided to carry 60 pounds of bullshit up the mountain resulting in my shoulders being sore and raw for the foreseeable future.
-10:11 PM
To be honest, I don’t really know why they let me come with them. I only know one of them and the group has been ignoring me for pretty much the entire trip. I was always bringing up the back on the hike in and I set up my tent outside of the main camp behind some trees. I haven’t eaten any meals with them or talked to them or, now that I think about it, anything really. Regardless. The trip has been an experience. Hopefully things get more exciting tomorrow.
-September 16
I’ve only ever slept in a tent a couple times so the new environment and lack of sleeping pills resulted in quite a restless night. I woke up at about eleven; everyone else was gone. I remembered they were talking about a day hike on a trail headed north so assuming that’s where they went, I hurried to get dressed and grabbed some granola bars. I’m about to head out. I hope I find them.
-12:21 PM
I’d been briskly walking for around an hour and was feeling quite exhausted so when I heard the group’s voices off in the distance I was very relieved. I started to jog in their direction when–when this jolt or–wave of energy flooded my mind. My head instantly started throbbing and my vision went blurry. The best way I could describe it is–TV static? Like the old TVs that would go all staticky when the signal got bad. I could barely make out shapes and a space in the middle of my vision was especially dark to the point where I couldn’t see past it. That wasn’t the worst of it, though. God no, if only I was that lucky. I can still hear the shrieking. That goddamn shrieking. In an instant all I could hear was this sharp, scratchy shrieking. It pierced through my ears and rooted itself in my head. I think I cried out in pain but even if I did I couldn’t have heard it. It was as if the damned souls of hell all cried out in eternal pain all at once and begged for death. I gripped and pulled at my hair, hardly noticing the pain that resulted from it as I fell to my knees in agony before…
I slowly opened my eyes. My head hurt and there was a slight buzzing in my ears. I lay in a pile of ivy next to a fallen log, my back dampened from the cool soil beneath me. I stood up, the hill on which I previously stood was nowhere in sight. As I leaned my shoulder against a tree to steady myself I heard voices. Cautiously, I walked through the foliage as the low vines dragged along my ankles. As I walked, I looked up. The falling sun cast a soft orange glow across the sky. It was probably around five O’clock or so. I climbed up on a large rock only to realize I was near the main camp. I pin-pointed the voices of my fellow campers as they huddled around a low-burning campfire. As I sat down to listen to them speak I could sense a strong feeling of uneasiness resonating from the group. Then it hit me.
“Are you sure you haven’t seen her since earlier this afternoon?” One of them said, I think his name was Matthew? He was tall and lean, by far the tallest in the group.
“I’m sure! It just doesn’t make sense. One minute she was behind me going on about who knows what and then the next when I turn around she’s gone!” A girl with light brown hair said. I didn’t know her name. I could see tears forming at the corner of her eyes as the wind blew her hair into her face.
“We need to find her before it gets dark. Groups of two; stick together!” A shorter man with brown hair said. Ryan. He was the only one I knew. We weren’t friends. Definitely not. But he was nice enough to me in the classes we had together and I was grateful that I was able to go on the trip with him. As he walked past the boulder I sat beside, paying me no mind, I saw his lower lip quiver as his wide eyes looked straight ahead. He was more nervous than he led on. I zoned out for a few seconds, the static from earlier crawling its way into the corners of my vision when a chipmunk climbing a tree snapped me back to reality and I realized I had been left at camp. I looked around at the tall forest but the group was nowhere in sight. I assumed they wanted me to wait at camp in case the missing girl, Alice, came back, but as I moved toward the dying campfire the call of nature occupied my thoughts. I found a spade and a roll of toilet paper and strode briskly into the forest, the cool Autumn air rushing against my chapped lips as I walked. I reached over to scratch an itch on my arm when I saw it.
“The fuck?” I wondered out loud. There on my upper forearm was…a bite mark. I rattled my brain trying to think what could have made that kind of mark. As I examined it more I confirmed my suspicions. It seemed human. At least I think it was human. It’s not like there are any goddamn monkeys native to Middle of Nowhere, California. There was also a dark purple bruise on my lower forearm. Didn’t remember getting that either.
I looked around for a good spot. Stepping over a log, I set my foot down on something soft. It was Alice. Her right hand crushed and mangled and a dried trickle of blood at the corner of her mouth had pooled on a flattened leaf. I screamed, tripping and falling back in the direction I hoped was the camp. As I jumped over a rock I landed hard on my left ankle as a streak of pain shot up through my body. I was trying to get back up when I heard it. The screeching. It steadily yet quickly faded in until it flooded my hearing. My vision was clouded by that same static. I curled up into a ball, kicking at the air. My eyes watered and I felt the urge to vomit…
A wave of dizziness hit me as I opened my eyes and fell on my tailbone, pain shooting up my back. I lay down on my back and looked up at the trees, my nose bloody. It was still dark. Had I been standing? I tried to recall what I had been doing but all I remembered were faded images. One thing I didn’t forget was the screeching. All that I could remember was covered by that screeching and a faint veil of that static. Just thinking about it made my head throb.
A groan. I nearly jumped out of my skin as I turned to look in the sound’s direction. It was David. He looked injured, lying on the ground, but quickly crawled back in what looked like fear when he saw me.
“You bitch!” He muttered between gritted teeth. Before I could react he was up on his feet charging in my direction. I tried to doge him but the wind was quickly knocked out of me as he headbutted me in the stomach. I fell back onto the ground and between coughs I saw him running towards me. Before he could deliver a heavy stomp to my chest I caught his foot and kicked up into his groin. He stumbled back with a low yelp of pain and, taking my chance while he was stunned, I stood up as fast as I could and prepared to block another attack. He ran up to me and attempted to deliver a blow to my stomach with his right fist, leaving his upper body undefended; I used the opportunity to send a hard punch into the side of his neck. He fell back choking, tears in his eyes. As he tried to sit down he tripped on a root and hit his head on a nearby boulder with a sickening crack. He squirmed for a moment, then nothing.
Silence. There was a faint red stain on the side of the rock, and beneath his blood-stained hair, his head seemed unnervingly misshapen. The closer I looked, the more I saw. Bruised neck, flowing blood, even some pinkish bone exposed near the worst of the damage to his skull. The fall must’ve been worse than I thought. Why would he attack me? What was wrong with him? Had he mistaken me for someone else? I sat against the blood-stained boulder and leaned my head back. I’m exhausted. Everything hurts. My ankle is throbbing. I can’t remember how long it’s been since I’ve slept and I don’t know what to do. I should probably go try to find the camp but…I’m too tired. I think I’m going to go to sleep now.
-September 18
I slept through the entire day and most of the night! Or, at least I think I did. The more I think about it I’m not so sure. It’s like 2:30 AM, glad my phone still works even if my brain doesn’t, just wish I had signal. I’m not sure what to do but I might try to go find
-4:29 AM
Something’s definitely out here with us. Or–me. Not sure how many of the others are left out here. I’m sure that shrieking is tied to something. I heard something off in the distance while writing and decided to go check it out. It was Matthew and that other girl. They were walking briskly and their eyes seemed to be darting around frantically. They were talking in hushed tones but from what I heard they found Alice's body, and they were worried. I was about to reveal myself to them when the shrieking came back. It hit me like a train, and sometimes I think a train would have hurt less. It felt like it lasted for hours, I bit a hole through my lip and fell off of the boulder I was sitting on. I couldn’t see anything except a dark patch of static in the middle of my vision surrounded by more static. All the cuts and bruises in my body seemed to amplify and I could barely breathe. I just wanted it to stop but it wouldn’t. It wouldn’t stop.
The two were dead when I came to. I wasn’t much better off myself. No matter how much I spit I can’t get the taste of blood out of my mouth. My arms are covered in cuts and bruises and my shoulder was dislocated. That was a fun half hour figuring out how to put it back in place. I think whatever is out here with us clouds your vision and makes it impossible to hear anything as a way to hunt you. I’m amazed it hasn’t killed me yet. I hope Ryan is still out there.
-6:06 AM
It’s been a long night. A really long night. I found Ryan but–but now I wish I hadn’t. It was around five AM I think, I had been aimlessly wandering through the forest looking for something, anything. By the most unlucky luck Ryan came stumbling around a tree. When he saw me his eyes went wide.
“Jon, what the hell?” Then he squinted his eyes and seemed to notice the wounds on my arm.
“Oh god,” he said. Then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small knife, glaring at me during the process. Before I could reply, he charged me, knife in hand. I–I didn't want to kill him. I really didn’t. He tackled me to the ground, forcing the knife close to my chest. I desperately tried to push him away and being the stronger one, I knocked him off me. As he hurried to get back on top of me I sent my right leg flying into his arm, knocking the knife from his hand. Before he realized what was happening I grabbed the knife from the ground. In what seemed like a last desperate attempt he tried to force me down again but, already having the knife in my hand, I quickly slashed his chest and one of his wrists without thinking. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t mean to kill him! I was just defending myself. I don’t know why he attacked me, what’s gotten into him and David? Is that thing controlling them? They didn’t seem like they were under some kind of spell…I don’t think so at least.
After a soft cry of pain he collapsed and rolled down the steep hill we were standing on. I didn’t bother looking for his body. No point. Odds are that thing would use his body as a trap for me or something. I don’t know anymore.
Somehow I found my way back. I don’t remember how, all I remember is collapsing against a tree out of exhaustion but, here I am at the trailhead. I guess my half dead brain forgot most of it. I don’t know what I’ll do now, I don’t think I’ll tell the police. If they hear that some creepy ghost creature is hiding out in the forest killing my friends I’ll probably get locked up in who the fuck knows where for who the fuck knows what. But, no matter how many or how few believe me, I know something is out there. And I know it’s dangerous. I doubt the bodies will ever be found. That forest is huge and I buried Matthew and Elizabeth, found her name in a backpack she had on.
This will be my last entry. My name is Jonathan Ashford, and I survived something dangerous in the Tahoe national forest. Whatever you do, do not go there. Goodbye.
-September 22, 2022, 5:06 PM
Ryan survived. The police are after me. Apparently he told them I stalked them in the forest and picked them off when they weren’t together. I don’t know what’s happening. There are some gaps in my memory but I know that I didn’t kill those people. I only killed David, and that was self defense. I’m not sure what I’ll do. The police don’t know where I am but I’m sure that won’t last long.
-8:19 PM
I saw an interview with Ryan on the local news while browsing channels. He seemed–off. There were bags under his eyes and his skin was pale. He seemed nervous, shaky. I hope he’s ok. I still don’t understand why he thinks I killed them.
-September 23, 3:12 AM
ok ok. I have a theory. I’ve been up all night thinking and it makes so much sense now. That thing can shriek. Terrifying right? But explainable. The static I still can’t make sense of, there’s no feasible way it could naturally do that. What if whatever supernatural force causes the static can also control people? Maybe that’s why Ryan looks so crazy. It must be controlling him. But why would it want me? Am I immune to its effects? Maybe.
-6:04 AM
They didn’t notice it. It didn’t hit them. When I was spying on Matthew and Elizabeth, right before they were–anyways.
The shrieking hit my ears before the static hit my eyes and in those few seconds, they didn’t notice. It didn’t affect them. They didn’t hear the shrieking. Maybe the shrieking is that monster thing's abilities failing to control me. Maybe that's why ryan-whatever’s controlling Ryan wants me. It’s because I’m a threat to it. Because It can’t control me. When I woke up I was injured, but never killed like the others. Maybe it doesn’t have as much power over me as others.
But why would the authorities believe Ryan? There’s no way his story can add up. Even if that creature, that thing, is intelligent, it can’t be that smart to fake a story. Why are they after me?
-11:42 PM
The police came by today. I was about to update this log again when they started banging on my door. I was able to sneak out a window before they noticed me, glad I live on the ground floor.
Something seemed off about them. I can’t say what but, something, like the uncanny valley effect, where something looks human but isn't. Whatever. It’s probably just my imagination. I need sleep.
-September 24, 2:20 AM
Something is wrong–something is definitely wrong. How did they find me? Holy shit that was close! I was dozing by a couple of dumpsters behind a gas station. Figured it was safe enough since it was out of the way and partly blocked by a fence until I heard dogs barking. Not sure how many of them there are, at least two–maybe three, I can still hear them barking. I figured they were just strays that would hopefully leave me alone until I saw the lights. Damn things half-blinded me!
“Son, what are you doing back here? Can we walk to you?” one of the officers said, his face was clammy and pale, he seemed tired, he seemed–off. I didn’t respond or wait for them to try and get closer, I dashed past them before they could call their dogs on me and jumped the fence, running into the tree line. I managed to climb my way up a tree a ways into the woods before they could get around the fence and send their dogs out. They haven’t found me yet, but they’re still looking for me. I can see their flashlights periodically bathing the tree line in a pale glow. I think I’ll try to wait them out and then climb down and run for as long as I can. Not sure where I’ll go yet but they keep finding me so I’ll have to get creative. Not sure how they’re finding me so quickly and easily, but maybe I can come up with something. Is that–thing finding me? Does it always know where I am? Is it controlling the police? Maybe that's why they looked so…wrong. I don’t know. I’m starting to think I don’t know anything anymore. I keep noticing the static in the corner of my vision occasionally, not sure why.
-September 24, 5:03 PM
I fucked up. Big time. Last night, somehow, I fell asleep. I don’t know how, guess I was just too exhausted. The sound of a helicopter pierced through the top of the tree line. Before I could register everything, I slipped and fell down the tree. I was able to slow my fall a bit by dragging my hands along the tree–hurt like a bitch–but I still landed hard. Can barely sit down. I think I was able to avoid being detected by the helicopter. I’m going to start walking. Not sure where but, I need to go somewhere. The static is constantly in the corner of my vision whenever I focus on it now. Why is this happening?
-10:44 PM
This doesn’t make any sense, I don’t know what's happening anymore! I was wandering through the forest when the static came back. God, it was awful, forgot how bad it was. Hell, maybe it was worse this time. Who knows. This isn’t the weirdest, or worst, part. I woke up in my apartment, I’m exhausted, but don’t have any new visible injuries despite how shitty I feel. Not sure why that thing didn’t try to hurt me, maybe it gave up on trying.
The news was on when I woke up, God I’m so fucked. They found the bodies–the ones that I buried. Of course they found my DNA all over them, used their forensics or whatever to try to explain how I killed everyone. I’ll have to admit if it wasn’t all a setup by some evil entity out to get me it would be pretty convincing. Sometimes–I find myself believing it. I don’t know what to think at this point, nothing makes sense anymore. The static is far more noticeable now. My head is starting to hurt, too.
They haven’t come back to my apartment yet, probably don’t think I would return this soon after they searched the place. I know they’ll be here eventually but I’m too tired to care right now. My brother and his kids used to live a few hours out of town, I think he built a treehouse for his kids somewhere behind the house. Maybe I’ll go try and hide out there for as long as I can. As if that will be very long at all.
-September 26, 6:24 PM
Everywhere I look, everything I watch. They’re always out for me. Everyone is looking for me. The things the police and the media keep saying about me–the evidence that gets released every day, the testimonies, officials saying I have symptoms of psychological problems like psychosis and DID, of Bipolar. More and more–I’m starting to believe it myself. Surely it's that thing. Surely it’s getting in my head…right?
-September 27, 1:03 PM
Made it to the treehouse, glad it’s still here. Had a few close calls along the way when trying to steal food from gas stations but I made it ok. Glad I did, the static is starting to really cloud my vision and my head hurts so bad my ears are starting to ring. I’m not out of the woods yet, that’s for sure. I can sense them...it. They’re trailing me. I think they’re getting close.
I’m so tired, so confused. I don’t know what to do, what to think anymore. What’s next? Maybe I’ll try to get some rest…if I can, that is.
I could try to come up with something, some silver bullet or whatever. I have this one idea, it’s not smart or clever, not even close, but it’s an idea, and it won’t let it–them–it, whatever, win. At least I don’t think it will; besides, surely it has a bigger plan for me, right? There’s no way it would go through all this effort just to kill me…
-4:39
They found me. I can hear them outside. They’re getting closer.
To be honest, I don’t know anymore. Maybe I did kill all those people, maybe I am insane. I don’t know what to believe. There’s so much being said, so many people saying it. I’m just so confused, so tired, so scared.
There's a bomb on the chair beside me, homemade. Glad I grabbed enough supplies to build it. Took me a while to figure it out as well as a few close calls but I think I got it working. They’ll have quite the surprise waiting for them once they find me…
They’re at the base of the tree now. The static has almost completely consumed my vision and my head feels like it’s about to explode. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore. I’m not sure why I was made the target of this, why this is happening to me at all, but regardless of the reason, I won’t let them win.
To the creature, or entity, to whatever is doing this to me: I’ll see you in Hell.
Goodbye
Aside from some generic legal stuff to conclude the report, that’s where the document ends. I’m not sure what to make of it. Definitely a lot to take in. I contacted the OP on the site I got this from but haven’t received a response yet, will update if I receive one. For now my only advice is be careful, and don’t go backpacking in Tahoe National Forest. If anyone has any thoughts or info, please, let me know.

I'm a junior engineer with a decent grasp of C++ and a good sense for linear-algebra/math/physics, and thought learning graphics programming seemed interesting (plus a friend told me that learning graphics programming and Vulkan will be really good for my CV for many companies where I live). I started this tutorial series but I'm on video 4 and its a lot. I think the guy explains things well but considering how much there is in just setting up the code I am wondering if this is really the best way to start learning.
I started googling and saw some say it is best starting with Vulkan, others said it is better to start with OpenGL, some said OpenGL but only if it is modern OpenGL and nothing outdated (which I wouldn't know the difference of as a graphics beginner), and some said to start with something else like DirectX.
Now I'm not complaining, and I am willing to put in the work. I just don't know the best way to start learning Vulkan and graphics programming. Could you give me some advice on where I should begin? Should I push through with Vulkan or should I learn something else first? And do you have a good suggestion for where to start ie a good tutorial regardless of answer?
As I said, I am a bit confused on where to start, as some have said https://vulkan-tutorial.com is a great start while others have said it is outdated and https://www.vkguide.dev is better.

Hey to anyone reading this. For the past month I have not been able to convince myself that life is worth living and am leaning towards killing myself. I have always been a positive person, have always tried my best to be kind to every person I interact with, and have always given as much love as I can to the people in my life. But I am just so fucking tired. I grew up with a schizophrenic, narcissistic mom, got bullied most of my life, and have generally been treated like complete shit by everyone in my life, but especially the people who are supposed to love you the most.
I have been in 3 truly terrible, traumatizing relationships back, to back to back. I married an immigrant when I was 23, and joined the military to get her citizenship even though it is something I never wanted to do. She broke up with me 12 hours before basic training. I took her back when I finished, only for her to leave me again after I got her citizenship 2 weeks before my first deployment, and only 4 hours after I stopped my father from killing himself.
Now I am with a girl who has broken up with me multiple times for no reason other than she is "indecisive", and has told me some of the worst things I can think of, including that she was going to go fuck her Ex boyfriend when she was in a fight with her mom. I was literally just listening to her and being supportive when she told me that. That was three weeks ago and it really feels like that was the last straw, the one that broke the camels back. I can't seem to bounce back from it, like I normally do. She is pregnant, otherwise I would have broken up with her because of it. I feel so fucking worthless. At this point I know I will never be loved. I have been shown that by everyone in my life since I can ever remember. And it is so heartbreaking because that is all I have ever wanted. I don't care about material possession's, or financial success because I have it and it is meaningless to me. I see so many other people that treat their partners like shit, hit them, cheat on them, and are still loved more than I ever have been or ever will be. What the fuck is the point of all this? So I can suffer for the next 50 years and die leading into nothingness? All anyone can tell me is that I "need to love myself" but why the fuck would I do that when nobody else is willing or able to? That saying is completely meaningless and is just an easy thing to throw out by people who have been loved in their life. I really wish I would have died on my deployments because my family would have gotten a million dollars from my life insurance policy, and I genuinely think that is worth so much more than me being alive.

I need help. I apologise for the long post.
I was in a relationship with a guy that I met in my last office. We instantly had a strong connection as we were meeting in a foreign country and we have the same nationality. Our connection was strong and we were like best friends. We were drawn to each other. We started dating two months after meeting.
When we met he was already facing some problems regarding his visa. Also, he was facing issues with his residence at the time. Before we started seeing each other, he told me about not being able to find a place. I jokingly mentioned to him that one of my flatmates has gone to her country for a while. So he asked if he could live with us. My flatmate and I agreed upon having him in the house for a few days. Later on those few days turned into 6 months, 4 months without even paying the rent. It got to a point that my flatmates were also getting frustrated because of a guy being in house. Even though, he was veru respectful of us.
During this time we were living together, we started dating each and we got intimate. We were happy with each other. We used to joke and have fun. We used to do our groceries and plan our dinners together. I used to cover the expenses sometimes and other times we split. But I was the one who always cooked. So we were sort of like in a live in relationship.
After 6 months of dating his visa got rejected and he went back to our country. We decided we would continue long-term since we had made each other a commitment of marriage. The plan was for him to find a job and once things get settled down, we will talk to our families. We both are in our mid twenties.
However, what ended up happening was that he stopped replying to my messages. I gave him a lot of space for two months, without him asking for it. There were times when I used to just ask him how he is and he did not reply for days. I was still being patient.
Until one day I randomly decided to open his profile on Facebook and I could not find it. I found out that he had blocked me for no reason as my friend could see his profile. It was only on facebook. We were still connected on the other platforms. I called him and messaged him all day when I found out. When we finally talked he denied all of it. Then later on he completely deactivated his profile. My gut instinct was that he is hiding something from me.
Maybe his family got him engaged somewhere (this is common in our culture). I wanted to breakup with him that day but he said I am going through a lot so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I stayed quite again for 2 or 3 weeks more. Then one day I decided I need my answer, I need to know why is he doing this. So I texted him. Called him a few times. To no avail. Then finally at night he texted and we talked. He broke up with me on text saying that our personalities are very different and he does not think we should be together. I absolutely do not agree with him because we had a lot of fun together and we were good together.
Anway, at that time I did not reply because I simply did not know what to say. The next day I replied to him when I found out he removed me from his Instagram. I confronted him for everything but he ended up blaming me for everything. He said I am the one who put all of this in his head. I am the one who made him breakup etc. I did no such thing. He was ghosting me for 2 months and I justed had to know if the relationship still exists or not.
Now, we are absolutely no contact since the past one a half month. However, I can't seem to feel better no matter what. Every day is worse than the day before. I still don't know why did he do this to me and that is eating me up from the inside. Even though I have not lived an easy but I have never come to this point before. I can't take this pain anymore. Its killing me. I need to know why. I want my closure but I know I won't get it because he acts like I don't exist anymore. He knew my heart was already broken before but he ended up breaking it more.
Plus, I have a lot of religious guilt for being intimate with him. I am not the sort of girl who would usually do something like this.
I would appreciate any advice, tips, or a third person insight into the situation. Thank you very much

I was raised by a father who was bipolar type 2, had borderline personality disorder, severe depression with constant suicidal ideation, the most severe anger issues I have ever seen in a human being in my life (imagine if logan roy from succession got hooked on amphetamines, about like that), and he committed suicide when I was 19. I was not allowed to feel in my home, if I was upset about anything at all, then that meant that I was "whining" and needed to shut up and be more grateful, even when I was "whining" that he took so many pills that he forgot me having to stop his suicide attempt, and I got angry when I mention that event and he went "what are you talking about?", I thought he was gaslighting me at first, but I later realized the combo of drugs he was on and his own severe mental instability had actually blocked that memory out from his stupid fucking head, but I was wrong for getting upset because "it's not my fault I don't remember". Not even the point, the point is I was raised that expressing emotions of any kind was a direct affront to my father that would not be taken lightly by him, and I VERY MUCH internalized that. It took me 18 months after his death to be able to shed a single tear about the situation, and even then it was tears of anger, and I had to force myself to cry, it was like my head was a hot air balloon of a whole lifetime of emotions and pain I had locked away and wanted to let it out but I couldn't, then when I did let it out, it hurt so much, that I wanted to numb it all away again, and that's when the drinking got really bad. I am 9 months sober after almost dying from anemia caused by a severe long term gastric bleed caused by my drinking (they consider the life threatening range for your hemoglobin level anything below about 7-8, yea, mine was 3.4 when i got to the hospital, it took 7 bags of blood just to bring me up to barely stable), and it left me with some liver scaring, I was so desperate to not feel all the pain that I drowned it, and now I'm finally having to come up for air, and oh boy. I feel like I have no idea who I am. Where does the me that my parents molded me into end and the me that is my true self begin. Will I ever be able to enjoy my interests without the deep seeded shame I have for stuff like watching anime that I have from my dad quite literally calling me a pussy for liking anime. I got a hunter x hunter charm necklace thing and I've been wearing it and I like it, but I still am so incredibly self conscious about it because of the time I tried to wear a necklace in like 5th grade and my dad said it made me look "faggy", which is absolutely fucking insane because my dad was genuinely not homophobic, my aunt was gay and she was frankly the only one of his siblings he actually liked, he didn't have a bigoted bone in his body, but what he meant is "girls won't go for you if you wear that", but fuck you, I was in 5th grade and (very much due to the emotional repression) I wouldn't get truly interested in dating until, let me check, NOW. I had a long term girlfriend through high school and college who was my first love, but we only started dating because she asked me out, I have never made the first move on a girl a single time in my life, I've quite literally never flirted. My whole life, I have been so scared of relationships because the only one I saw was my parents godless nightmare of a marriage where they were "staying together for me" even when I was in high school ACTIVELY ASKING THEM TO GET DIVORCED, because they were such fucking nightmares. I have always thought that whatever good feelings of love and fulfillment I would get from a relationship would never outweigh the pain that would come along with the fights, and only now that I'm finally starting to break through the layers of repressed emotions and that I've dried out off of the booze am I finally starting to feel different. The thing that is so hard is, I've just pushed all my feelings and all my pain down so deep for my entire life, that now the emotions are all coming at once, and good God I just can't handle it sometimes. I also got diagnosed as bipolar type 2 today, just like dear old dad, still sending gifts up from hell, just in time for my birthday too. The pain, the feeling that I have missed out on so much of my life by being to afraid of getting hurt to allow myself to have anything good. I feel like I've missed out on so much of life because of that bastard, and now I'm 25, I barely recognize myself when I look in the mirror, and I am trying to basically rebuild myself from the ground up after I almost died and got sober, and I am basically by myself dealing with it (very long story, but basically because of his death, our family business went under and my mom and I had to move to her hometown, in with my aunt and uncle, and I have no friends here and I am not close with my family and they are a bunch of judgmental Bible thumpers who basically think I'm a degenerate for drinking and a snowflake for my mental health issues), and I just feel so deeply intensely alone. I was so numbed for my entire life, that I didn't even actually know you could feel emotions this intense, the way that the sorrow just feels like a bottomless hole in your chest, and all I want is to feel like someone cares about me and that I matter. My mom is here with me, and she is doing her best, but if you can't tell from the post, she isn't exactly blameless in the cause of the issue, so that is kind of a double edged sword. I try and keep in touch with my friends from my hometown, but they're busy with their lives and they don't always have the time, plus I always feel like I'm putting them out when I need their help (there's that trauma again). I even want to start dating again, but I'm stuck in a small town in the middle of nowhere in south Alabama, where the dating pool isn't exactly huge, and gets widdled down a LOT more when you take into account that I'm an agnostic democrat. God, every day I ask myself, why isn't he still here, so I can let out all of this pent up emotion and pain onto the person who actually deserves it, but even then I know it wouldn't make me feel better. So as I'm finally starting to be able to even have emotions again, I'm reminded why I wanted to numb them all away. I just feel alone, and like I don't even know who I am, and that who I am might not be the person I wanted to be, and there's a healthy dose of self hatred mixed in, and all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me it will be OK, because I know it will, but God damn it why does it just have to be so damn hard sometimes. Why did he have to die without me ever getting to tell him how he hurt me. How could he rob me of that. He got to die with the last thing I said to him being that I loved him, and I have to take to my grave that the last thing that I ever said to my father was a lie.
Edit: TLDR: Abusive dad caused me to be so emotionally repressed that when he died I became an alcoholic to numb the pain and now that I'm sober and chipping away at the emotional repression, I feel an entire lifetimes worth of emotions hitting me all at once and it is incredibly overwhelming and has left me feeling like I don't know who I am and that I am all alone just picking up the scraps of my life, while not even knowing what the life I'm picking up even looks like. I just wish he was still alive so I could tell him all the things I didn't get a chance too while he was alive. All the awful, hurtful, painful, gut wrenching things I would say to him.

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Hi! I'm really looking for that special someone, potential soulmate, best friend and partner for life. If you aren't from Australia, i'm hoping we can bridge the gap if you live outside of there! Preferably looking for someone who is between the age of 18-35, since we might be in the same place in life. I don't have nor want kids right now, but I might be open to the idea in the later future, if I really connect with my partner and know them long enough, but currently i'm fine with the idea of not having them.
I'm 5'8, 70kg, Caucasian, have blue eyes, darkish blonde hair, and have an Australian accent. We can exchange photos of each other early on so we know if we have that physical attraction. I'm pretty introverted, but can really open up once I get to know someone and tend to be very loyal once I really fall for my person. I don't drink, do drugs or smoke, but I don't mind if you do. I'm not very picky with weight unless you are obese. Bonus points if you are brunette, but it's okay if you aren't!
My main interests include video games, watching tv shows and movies, reading, walking, exercising, travelling, snuggling, going on walks or just vibing at home. Looking forward to hearing from you, thanks!

Hi! I'm really looking for that special someone, potential soulmate, best friend and partner for life. If you aren't from Australia, i'm hoping we can bridge the gap if you live outside of there! Preferably looking for someone who is between the age of 18-35, since we might be in the same place in life. I don't have nor want kids right now, but I might be open to the idea in the later future, if I really connect with my partner and know them long enough, but currently i'm fine with the idea of not having them.
I'm 5'8, 70kg, Caucasian, have blue eyes, darkish blonde hair, and have an Australian accent. We can exchange photos of each other early on so we know if we have that physical attraction. I'm pretty introverted, but can really open up once I get to know someone and tend to be very loyal once I really fall for my person. I don't drink, do drugs or smoke, but I don't mind if you do. I'm not very picky with weight unless you are obese. Bonus points if you are brunette, but it's okay if you aren't!
My main interests include video games, watching tv shows and movies, reading, walking, exercising, travelling, snuggling, going on walks or just vibing at home. Looking forward to hearing from you, thanks!