I know what you're going to say now: just write it yourself. First, just see how many topics on reddit are about people who wrote their own essays and their teachers found plagiarism. Second, with a part-time job, I don't always have time to do all my tasks. That's why I follow the 50/50 rule (my own rule haha): I use ai essay writers to find sources and structure the overall idea, and then add my own thoughts. I love creating engaging essay hooks. So, all this is great, but what are the best tools to use for checking my texts? Because some generators offer their own detectors but I'm not sure if they're reliable.

DC Next Proudly Presents:

NIGHTWING:

In Hunter Hybrid
Issue Fourteen: The Meek Shall Inherit
Written by AdamantAce
Edited by PatrollinTheMojave
 
<< First Issue < Prev. Next Issue > Coming Next Month
 
 
Dick's heart hammered against his chest like a pounding storm as he stood amidst the laboratory, flanked by Artemis and Barry Allen, the Flash. The weight of worry for Mar'i bore down on him unbearably, each moment without her amplifying his anxiety.
In the secluded closet hidden at the back of the lab, Dick and Artemis had found something haunting: a trove of withered seedlings, dead plants that looked alien in nature. Assuming the worst, but needing to confirm, Dick had quickly summoned a friend with a history of running genetic samples - none other than the Scarlet Speedster - to the scene.
Barry’s brow furrowed in concentration as he examined the specimens, having already run several tests.
“I'm limited in what I can do here; I'm a CSI, not a xenologist,” Barry admitted with regret, evoking his favourite chief medical officer of fiction. “Really, this really feels like a job for someone like Cadmus. Alien DNA is their whole deal.”
Dick could only grimace at the suggestion, reminded of the sickening experiments he had unearthed in the bowels of the Chicago cloning laboratory, of the dozens of aborted attempts at cloning Bruce Wayne. It was hard to stomach, especially knowing that he still had no idea who was responsible. “Not an option," he replied firmly. “Not Cadmus.”
Barry raised an eyebrow, his curiosity evident in his expression. “You don't believe those rumours about the Superboy clones, do you?" he asked. “They’re Reawakened through and through. Blame the other universes’ Cadmuses.”
In response, Dick shook his head. “It’s not that. It’s… something else.”
Barry then looked to Artemis and smiled. “It’s, uh… nice to meet you properly by the way,” he said. “I heard you, uh, shoot arrows.”
Despite the terrible situation they were in, Artemis allowed herself a snicker in response to the Flash’s awkwardness. “Among other things. It’s important to branch out, seeing as I know you already have an arrows guy.”
Just then, Tim emerged from behind a sliding door, draped in his red and black Rook gear, a stack of papers in hand. “Got the printouts you asked for,” he said, handing them over to Barry.
Barry swiftly flipped through the pages at super speed, his expression growing grim as he absorbed the information.
“What is it?” asked Artemis.
“What we feared,” he announced somberly. “The dead seedlings match the profile of alien species, with a significant DNA match for the Morning Eclipse sample you got from Starling’s fingernails.”
Dick's frustration boiled over, his voice dripping with anger. “Wilkof,” he spat, his jaw clenched in fury. “He let that damn killer plant loose.”
Tim struck himself in the shoulder in self-reproach. “I should've put it together sooner,” he muttered. “Wilkof knew plenty about Tamaran even before you let him speak to Mar’i.”
“It’s worse than we thought,” added Barry, and everyone’s blood turned cold. “This Dr Wilkof wasn't just releasing the Morning Eclipse, he was trying to propagate them; taking cuttings to grow more of them. We’re just lucky the Earth's sunlight is too diffuse for their growth.”
Dick's eyes widened in horror. “So he’s trying to create an army of killer plants?”
Barry nodded solemnly. “An army or a particularly menacing greenhouse.”
Artemis's brow furrowed as she pieced together a crucial detail. “Wait, a couple years ago they had me subbing in the bio department at school for a few months. I’m pretty sure plants grown from cuttings are meant to be genetically identical to the parent.”
Tim cursed under his breath and then reached for the printouts to give them a check over himself. “You’re right! Genetic variation only occurs after pollination. But these plants aren't self-pollinated. They're too distinct from the original sample taken from Mar'i’s attack.”
Barry's voice quivered as he raised a troubling possibility. “Could there be two adult killer plants on the loose?”
“No, it's not that,” Tim quickly replied again, his expression grave as he looked up from the stack of papers. “It's worse.”
Artemis' heart sank. “How could it possibly be worse?”
“The dead seedlings share identical DNA with each other. And every single one of their genes is present in the parent sample. But the parent also has additional chromosomes that all of the seedlings lack,” Tim explained as his eyes traced the text on the papers once more. “The parent had an extra 48 chromosomes.”
Barry's face paled. "48? Are you sure?”
“48? What does that mean?” asked Dick, looking rapidly back and forth between Tim and Barry.
Artemis gritted her teeth. “Humans have 48 chromosomes. The adult plant is half human.”
“Fully human,” Barry corrected. “And fully plant too. A symbiosis.”
“What does that mean?” asked Dick, scared of the answer he would soon receive.
“It means I think Wilkof merged himself with the plant.”
 
🔹🔹 🪶 🔹🔹
 
Ker-tonk.
Ker-tonk.
Ker-tonk.
Mar’i lay in the darkness of the car’s trunk, helpless. She couldn’t tell how long it had been since she last felt the sun’s warmth on her skin. She tried to summon childhood memories of Tamaran, of the sun her father had found oppressive and her mother found liberating. But they were distant and blurred, echoes from another lifetime - and another timeline.
As the car rumbled on, she focused on her senses, trying to glean any information about her surroundings. The air was stale and musty, tinged with the scent of oil and rubber. The vibrations of the road beneath her reverberated through her body, a constant reminder of her captivity.
Eventually, the car came to a halt, and Mar’i braced herself as the trunk door creaked open, flooding the confined space with blinding light. Blinking rapidly, she squinted against the harsh glare, feeling the rejuvenating solar rays bathing her, a stark contrast to the cold darkness of her confinement.
Dr Wilkof loomed over her, his appearance now almost normal except for a slight pallor that hinted at something darker beneath the surface. He reached out, his hands enveloping her wrists, which were bound with withered rope. Thick, barbed vines extended from the sleeves of his coat, renewing her restraints and further draining what little power reserves she had left.
As he dragged her up out of the trunk, Mar’i found herself in the midst of a desolate car park, surrounded by nothing but empty space and the looming silhouette of a large hangar. She had nary a clue of where they were.
“It will be easier if you don’t struggle,” he said, his tone devoid of joy or malice, as if he were simply stating a fact. But Mar’i knew better than to trust his words.
As Wilkof led her towards the hangar, Mar’i stumbled along behind him, the vines around her wrists taut like a leash. She tried to reason with him, to appeal to the vestiges of his humanity buried beneath the madness that gripped him.
“You don’t have to do this,” she implored, unsure of how much of his humanity really remained. “The plant doesn’t have to control you.”
Wilkof's eyes gleamed with a haunted fervour as he shook his head, the vines’ grip tightening around Mar'i’s wrists. “I've sacrificed too much to stop now,” he muttered. Those words carried a strange quality,like they weren’t fully his. Maybe it was the plant talking, maybe they were words he had rehearsed to himself enough times for them to become hollow. “I won’t let it all be in vain.”
For a moment, Mar’i was left to wonder what he meant by that. Then she remembered what little she knew about him, and a shiver ran down her spine. (He had fed the rest of his team from the lab to the plant, a grim sacrifice to fuel his delusions of grandeur.*
“No one cared about mild-mannered Hunter Wilkof,” he continued, his voice cracking with bitterness. “The plant promised to make me someone special, to make me famous.”
Mar’i shook her head in disbelief as she continued to be lugged along. “The plant doesn’t speak,” she insisted with a rising urgency. “Its pheromones mess with your mind, make you see and hear things that aren’t there.”
But Wilkof brushed off her words with a scoff. “I don’t care,” he replied, his gaze fixed on the hangar ahead. “I fed the plant like I was told, but the fame never came. I let it eat the only thing I ever loved. But… nothing changed.”
Her heart yearned to find some way to free him of the plant’s clutches, to help him see the light, but she knew well what desperation could do to a person, if left unchecked. She knew how far someone could fall.
“Then I realised… I wasn’t meant for prizes and celebrity,” he continued, deranged. “That wasn’t what the plant had planned for us. It’s just like you said in your Tamaranean fairy tale, the Morning Eclipse and its legend. I knew we were meant for infamy, but just one plant and its keeper wouldn’t do the trick. We needed a bigger family.”
At this point, Hunter stopped, and the pair had finally reached the mouth of the hangar. Mar’i searched through the darkness, but was struggling to see straight at all thanks to the toxic, draining effect of her Morning Eclipse vine restraints.
Wilkof just stared into the darkness, and continued. “I tried taking cuttings, but no matter how much blood, meat or southern exposure I gave them… it wasn’t enough, and they wilted. It wouldn’t tell me why it wasn’t working, and all I knew was that the plant was from Tamaran,” he confessed, his voice growing hoarse with emotion. “So I went to look for Starfire, but she was in space. And then… then I found you. A hybrid like me.”
But throughout Hunter’s grim confession, Mar’i was still missing some important details. “How did you know the plant was from Tamaran?” She defied him, “It doesn’t have a mind of its own, so it couldn’t have told you.”
Hunter smiled. “I used to drive out into the countryside and just leave my car behind, go for these long walks to clear my head when city life got too much,” he explained, a shroud of something resembling peace slowly falling over him. “I always felt guilty for it, reasoning I should have been spending that time in the lab, looking for ways to help people. But this one day, a few years ago now, I realised it was all worth it.”
He then pulled a remote from his pocket and pressed a button at its centre. As the lights of the hangar flickered to life, they revealed a magnificent sight, something Mar’i immediately recognised as a First Class Vegan Star Cruiser - a Tamaranean space vessel from the shipyards of Okaara - resplendent in hues of silver and violet. The ship stood tall and proud, a beacon of extraterrestrial wonder amidst the mundane surroundings of the hangar. But why was it here? And how did Wilkof have it?
He gestured towards the ship with an odd gleam in his eyes. “Suddenly, and without warning, this spaceship came crashing down through the sky just a couple of miles away, out here, where it was just me there to see it,” he explained. “So I rushed over, I searched the wreckage… and that’s where I found it. It was only a sapling, a baby really, and it called out to me. I knew I needed to take it home, back to the lab, back for testing.”
Mar’i shook her head. How was he to have known back then that the plant was pulling his strings?
“I stashed the ship away, knowing its potential,” he confessed. “The ship’s computer confirmed its origins: Tamaran. Apparently it even used to belong to a princess named Komand’r.”
Mar’i's mind raced as she processed this revelation. Komand’r - also known as the tyrant queen Blackfire - was Koriand’r’s sister, and Mar’i’s aunt. Someone she had already come across early in her time in this universe. Then, just in time for him to answer it without her asking, Mar’i happened upon another awful question.
“I got some guys in to make repairs, and another guy to… basically hotwire the thing, before I fed them all to the plant. But the ship won’t fly without one final security measure,” continued Hunter, his gaze fixed on Mar’i. “A pilot with Tamaranean DNA.”
 
🔹🔹 🪶 🔹🔹
 
Back in the lab, Dick, Artemis and Tim continued to put the pieces together, now sans Barry who had raced off to join Wally in combing the city for either Mar’i or the Morning Eclipse, not knowing that both were far from the city limits.
“Why Mar’i?” Dick demanded. “What does Wilkof want with her? Her Starbolts could be used to fuel the plant and its cuttings, but that’d only make a difference at night, when they can’t get sunlight for themselves.”
Artemis nodded in agreement. “Surely they can survive a night without sunlight,” she surmised. “So what else would he come to Mar’i for?”
“Could it be her DNA?” posed Tim. “Maybe he has a use for DNA from a Tamanrean.”
“What kind of uses?” asked Dick. It wouldn’t be that, but his mind once again returned to the cloning vats of Cadmus. “No, it’s not that.”
“Then what else could it be?” Artemis sighed, frustrated. All of this analysis, brainstorming and scheming, and they were no closer to finding the missing Titan.
Then, Dick’s face blanched with fear. “She knows the way,” he said simply, his voice barely above a whisper.
“The way to what?” asked Tim, his own anxiety rising.
“To Tamaran,” Dick replied with dread. “A place where the sun shines bright enough for a hundred Morning Eclipses.”
 
🔹🔹 🪶 🔹🔹
 
In the dimly lit interior of what was once her aunt Komand'r's ship, Mar'i's heart raced with fear and uncertainty, now strapped into her seat beside the demented Dr Wilkof. The vessel, a marvel of Vega System technology, exuded an otherworldly aura, its sleek silver surfaces shimmering with an ethereal glow. Yet, to Mar'i, it felt more like a prison than a wonder.
She couldn't shake the sense of dread that gripped her. Tamaran, a place she once called home, now loomed before her as an unfamiliar and foreboding destination. She knew of the tumultuous history of this universe's Tamaran, the tales of military coups and the reign of the Orange Lantern Larfleeze, all of which added to her apprehension. The planet had hundreds of Morning Eclipses, but none had ever merged with a sapient vessel before. The killer plants were best survived by being completely ignored, which wouldn’t be possible with an intelligent host scheming and bringing the plants to their vulnerable prey. Could she inflict that threat on Tamaran?
Wilkof's jubilant smile did little to assuage her fears as he spoke. “When we reach the planet - with its gleaming sun - I’ll have everything I need. I'll create more Morning Eclipses, genetically superior ones, and they will bond with Tamaranean vessels to enhance their intelligence. And then there’ll be no more sacrifices, just feeding.”
Mar'i's stomach churned at the thought of being complicit in Wilkof's madness. But she also knew that she was in no position to bargain. And he knew it.
With a heavy heart and a sense of resignation, Mar'i steeled herself for the task ahead and the ship hummed to life around them, hurtling toward an uncertain destiny.
Then, as they quickly hit sonic speed, Hunter turned to his pilot and prisoner, keen to share a thought he hoped would bring her peace. “I want you to know… once we get to Tamaran, I’ll never have to return to Earth again. Don’t think about where we’re going, think about what we’re leaving behind. This is you saving planet Earth.”
 
 
Next: Sun it up in Nightwing #15
 

I feel terrible and don’t know what to do. We’ve had a really rocky almost-year-long relationship with a lot of arguing and differing life perspectives, and we’d already been to couple’s therapy at around six months in, and had gone for four months. We only did this when I gave her an ultimatum that we break up or go to therapy about how to fix the relationship because I was tired of how disrespectful and angry she was towards me. I really love her and really didn’t want to give up on her because I knew she was still trying to be good to me even if she wasn’t too good at it, it was the thought that counted to me. So we went to therapy and she changed a lot about how she acted and I appreciated it, but it still wasn’t enough for me to believe that we’d be a healthy couple going forward.
So about a month after therapy, I told her that maybe we should break up because we just don’t compliment each other very well (which is true). There was a lot of crying and going back and forth, a tough conversation which lasted two separate days. Eventually we agreed I should really think about what I was doing and she proposed we just take a break from each other for a week so I could do that. She said we won’t see other people over this break, which I respected and agreed with.
After that week I still hadn’t made up my mind though so I asked if we could do another week and she agreed. I hated how much pain I was putting her through with all of this too, since she was completely at my mercy and couldn’t talk with me through any of it (we’d talked about it for hours together already before we settled on the break idea), but I knew it was down to what I felt because she wanted to stay together and I still wasn’t sure, so that meant I had to sort it out on my own if it was ever going to work. Otherwise, SHE would need to convince me to stay for the rest of our days instead of me having my own reasons and motives.
Anyways, at the beginning of our second week of no contact, I thought I was okay with moving on from her because no matter how I thought of our relationship, I kept concluding we just weren’t good for each other and that there were more bad futures possible than good ones. With that headspace, I still feared the loneliness that would come once I made the breakup real, which is why I started texting the other girls in hopes of having something to look forward to in the following weeks to take my mind off of it and maybe start something new. I never intended on seeing any of them until the weeks after I broke up with my gf.
The second she texted me at the end of the second no-contact week, though, all of it hit me. Guilt, shame, uncertainty, dread of what to tell her, fear of the future. We made small talk that day as I tried to figure out what to tell her. The last thing I ever want to do is break her heart, someone who loves me to the best of her ability, even if it isn’t perfect. It’s a rough relationship but I still wanted to keep trying because I’d never been loved like this before.
I deleted all of the messages I’d sent on Instagram and blocked/unfollowed all the girls immediately because I realized I don’t want to be with anyone else, especially if all it means is not being alone (most of them rejected me anyways so maybe that’s a sign). I called her the next day because I knew she was waiting for an answer from me and, after starting to cry, told her I wanted to start fresh with her by making a healthy set of boundaries for ourselves and sort out our differences in our ideal futures.
This brings me to right now. Our first date back is in three days and I don’t know when or if I should tell her what I did in that second week. I feel horrible about it and I can’t stand the thought of hiding it from her because it would make me feel (or be) unworthy of her if we end up coming to healthy long-term agreements. I technically didn’t cheat but it’s obviously unfaithful, so I feel it’s only right that she knows.
I guess my questions are: Do I say anything about it? If so, when? Do I even deserve for it to work out anyways given what I did? Please be honest, I don’t care how harsh. I’m here for the truth.
TL;DR I flirted with other women because I was going to break up with my gf and wanted to pre-fill the post-breakup void, then decided not to break up and don’t know if I should tell her I did that or if I even deserve her anymore

I was shared this while on a thankfully civilized talk. Here's the link, but I'll clean up the original text to be more digestible, maybe alter a few of it.
https://www.reddit.com/AcademicBiblical/comments/1c5ucxj/response_to_sikers_analysis_of_homosexuality_in
Here goes

1. Siker seems to be offering a scholarly version of Matthew Vines' argument
It being "Paul can't be condemning what we think of as committed loving homosexual relationships, because he was thinking of bad things like prostitution or uncontrolled-lust homosexuality."
So, the idea is to claim that Paul's letters can't be enlisted to authorize contemporary homophobia since he wouldn't have known about the kinds of relationships gay Christians want to have now.
I appreciate the contemporary ethics of Siker's approach since homophobia is dehumanizing and harmful, but the idea that this approach inherently reflects "liberal leanings" (Siker's claim) ignores how plenty of liberals reject homophobia without trying to enlist and sanitize the Bible as support.
2. I disagree with the Innocent Paul claim as Vines postulated
It is true that Greek, Roman, and Jewish sources do not often feature something resembling "a committed loving queer sexual relationship," but this is where confusion often sets in; there must be a distinction between

• Whether such queer relationships were really nonexistent in Mediterranean antiquity and if writers were aware and
• Whether what's going on is that the dominant Greco-Roman sexual ideologies that shape our texts have no room for such relationships

According to dominant ideals, powerful men were supposed to actively penetrate those below themselves on the social and gender hierarchy; a man who delighted in being penetrated by another man was by relative definition effeminate, and thus not to be celebrated. Women loving and sexually engaging with other women meant they weren't being used by (the right) men, and thus Greek and Roman writers tended to disparage, ridicule, and reframe female homoeroticism.
But our texts aren't direct sociological data, they reflect and think with dominant sexual ideologies, which by definition erased/reframed divergent sexual and gender expressions. This is why the likes of Amy Richlin,[1] Bernadette Brooten,[2] Deborah Kamen and Sarah Levin-Richardson,[3] and Jimmy Hoke**[4]** have argued that even though our sources erase, reframe, and distort people who liked any non-normative sex and relationships in Mediterranean antiquity, they still existed.
Bottom line: Writers like Paul could certainly have been aware of queer sexualities and relationships that were not enslaved prostitution or pederasty. Folks like Vines and Siker unintentionally reinscribe the association between homoeroticism and pedophilia/sexual violence.
For what it's worth, everyone should read Richlin's article from 30 years ago. Doesn't matter whether you agree with all of her arguments, it's brilliant scholarship.
3. Corpus point of view
There's a related debate about whether our texts even have a category for something like sexual orientation or simply imagine sex via other grids like active vs. passive/penetrator vs. penetrated (e.g., see Craig Williams' excellent sketch of these paradigms in Roman literature**[5]**).
The most common scholarly opinion in terms of Greco-Roman antiquity gender-sex studies is that our sources don't reflect ideas like sexual orientation, so orientational categories aren't historically helpful for reading our texts.
Other scholars like Richlin and Brooten have critiqued these positions, though they still forcefully argue that our sources thought with overtly hierarchical patriarchal ideologies about sex, like penetrator and penetrated. This final point is something on which Richlin is often misrepresented, which is bizarre since she wrote one of the classic books for understanding such dominant sexual ideologies.[6]
4. Paul Romana
Romans 1:18-32's basic point is that Paul discussed the total moral failure of Gentiles by sketching their (feminizing) descent into being dominated by their passions, one of the resultant illustrations of the Gentiles being their domination by their passions through transgressing the gendered order, exemplified by Gentile men losing sexual control of "their women" (i.e., these men are failed men from this angle) and each other in 1:26-27 - an inversion of the normative sexual order.
Paul treated male-male anal penetration as a straight illustration of Gentile corruption and domination by their passions. It's part of his grander point that Gentiles became (effeminately) enslaved by their passions (see Stanley Stowers' classic articulation of this decline-of-civilization reading of Rom 1:18-32**[7]**).
The key issue here is that there's no literary reason to think he only had in mind enslaved prostitution or pederasty, ANY male-male anal penetration upended the normative gender order. If anything, he might have indicated elsewhere that free men penetrating (raping) their slaves (gender irrelevant) was okay since that use of slaves was acceptable within many moral schemes; Paul never objected to it, and some passages potentially align with treating enslaved humans as legitimate non-marriage sexual outlets (e.g., as argued by Jennifer Glancy**[8]** regarding 1 Thess 4:4's εἰδέναι ἕκαστον ὑμῶν τὸ ἑαυτοῦ σκεῦος κτᾶσθαι("that each of you know his own vessel to possess in sanctification and honor")).
5. Linguistic flexibility
There's no reason to limit οὔτε μαλακοὶ οὔτε ἀρσενοκοῖται of 1 Cor 6:9 to prostitution; "malakos" means "soft"/"effeminate." In Greek texts, it often does refer to men who are penetrated sexually - obviously effeminizing - but a man who was unrestrained or excessive in his penetrating of women is likewise an example of "effeminate" in Greek sources.
ἀρσενοκοίτης's meaning remains debated, but the etymological game of making it "man-bedders" is problematic; rather than get bogged down in this lexical discussion, the larger point regarding Siker is, again, that the issue of whether "committed same-sex relationships" are in view is irrelevant.
Paul listed effeminate Gentiles as those who will not inherit the kingdom of God; a male prostitute is by definition effeminate for these discourses, but so would a man in a "committed same-sex relationship" who is anally penetrated.
6. Futility
I don't get why "liberal-leaning" scholars think they can salvage a moral Bible by handwaving Paul's (what we can redescribe as) homophobia, even if all of Siker's claims were true, Paul's logic is entirely premised on reprehensibly misogynist gender ideologies that animate his other arguments, so even trying to save the dude from Those Two Bad Verses leaves you with the steaming animal manure that is said premise.
Hope this helps!
Sources
[1] "Not Before Homosexuality: The Materiality of the Cinaedus and the Roman Law against Love between Men," JHS 3 [1993]: 523-73
[2] Love Between Women: Early Christian Responses to Female Homoeroticism [Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1996]
[3] "Lusty Ladies in the Roman Literary Imaginary," in Ancient Sex: New Essays, ed R. Blondell and K. Ormand [Columbus: Ohio State University Press, 2015], 231-51
[4] Feminism, Queerness, Affect, and Romans: Under God? [Atlanta: SBL Press, 2021], 27-37
[5] Roman Homosexuality, 2d Ed [New York: Oxford University Press, 2010] [6] The Garden of Priapus: Sexuality and Aggression in Roman Humor, Rev. Ed. (New York: Oxford University Press, 1992)
[7] A Rereading of Romans: Justice, Jews, and Gentiles [New Haven: Yale University Press, 1994]
[8] Slavery in Early Christianity [New York: Oxford University Press, 2002]

Maybe take apart some/all points or even tell me how to cope.
I thought Paul was that based guy for giving credit to those two women (Phoebe and Priscilla) and stated that people regardless of origin or gender or status were one in the big IM

I was shared this while on a thankfully civilized talk. Here's the link, but I'll clean up the original text to be more digestible, maybe alter a few of it.
https://www.reddit.com/AcademicBiblical/comments/1c5ucxj/response_to_sikers_analysis_of_homosexuality_in
Here goes

1. Siker seems to be offering a scholarly version of Matthew Vines' argument
It being "Paul can't be condemning what we think of as committed loving homosexual relationships, because he was thinking of bad things like prostitution or uncontrolled-lust homosexuality."
So, the idea is to claim that Paul's letters can't be enlisted to authorize contemporary homophobia since he wouldn't have known about the kinds of relationships gay Christians want to have now.
I appreciate the contemporary ethics of Siker's approach since homophobia is dehumanizing and harmful, but the idea that this approach inherently reflects "liberal leanings" (Siker's claim) ignores how plenty of liberals reject homophobia without trying to enlist and sanitize the Bible as support.
2. I disagree with the Innocent Paul claim as Vines postulated
It is true that Greek, Roman, and Jewish sources do not often feature something resembling "a committed loving queer sexual relationship," but this is where confusion often sets in; there must be a distinction between

• Whether such queer relationships were really nonexistent in Mediterranean antiquity and if writers were aware and
• Whether what's going on is that the dominant Greco-Roman sexual ideologies that shape our texts have no room for such relationships

According to dominant ideals, powerful men were supposed to actively penetrate those below themselves on the social and gender hierarchy; a man who delighted in being penetrated by another man was by relative definition effeminate, and thus not to be celebrated. Women loving and sexually engaging with other women meant they weren't being used by (the right) men, and thus Greek and Roman writers tended to disparage, ridicule, and reframe female homoeroticism.
But our texts aren't direct sociological data, they reflect and think with dominant sexual ideologies, which by definition erased/reframed divergent sexual and gender expressions. This is why the likes of Amy Richlin,[1] Bernadette Brooten,[2] Deborah Kamen and Sarah Levin-Richardson,[3] and Jimmy Hoke**[4]** have argued that even though our sources erase, reframe, and distort people who liked any non-normative sex and relationships in Mediterranean antiquity, they still existed.
Bottom line: Writers like Paul could certainly have been aware of queer sexualities and relationships that were not enslaved prostitution or pederasty. Folks like Vines and Siker unintentionally reinscribe the association between homoeroticism and pedophilia/sexual violence.
For what it's worth, everyone should read Richlin's article from 30 years ago. Doesn't matter whether you agree with all of her arguments, it's brilliant scholarship.
3. Corpus point of view
There's a related debate about whether our texts even have a category for something like sexual orientation or simply imagine sex via other grids like active vs. passive/penetrator vs. penetrated (e.g., see Craig Williams' excellent sketch of these paradigms in Roman literature**[5]**).
The most common scholarly opinion in terms of Greco-Roman antiquity gender-sex studies is that our sources don't reflect ideas like sexual orientation, so orientational categories aren't historically helpful for reading our texts.
Other scholars like Richlin and Brooten have critiqued these positions, though they still forcefully argue that our sources thought with overtly hierarchical patriarchal ideologies about sex, like penetrator and penetrated. This final point is something on which Richlin is often misrepresented, which is bizarre since she wrote one of the classic books for understanding such dominant sexual ideologies.[6]
4. Paul Romana
Romans 1:18-32's basic point is that Paul discussed the total moral failure of Gentiles by sketching their (feminizing) descent into being dominated by their passions, one of the resultant illustrations of the Gentiles being their domination by their passions through transgressing the gendered order, exemplified by Gentile men losing sexual control of "their women" (i.e., these men are failed men from this angle) and each other in 1:26-27 - an inversion of the normative sexual order.
Paul treated male-male anal penetration as a straight illustration of Gentile corruption and domination by their passions. It's part of his grander point that Gentiles became (effeminately) enslaved by their passions (see Stanley Stowers' classic articulation of this decline-of-civilization reading of Rom 1:18-32**[7]**).
The key issue here is that there's no literary reason to think he only had in mind enslaved prostitution or pederasty, ANY male-male anal penetration upended the normative gender order. If anything, he might have indicated elsewhere that free men penetrating (raping) their slaves (gender irrelevant) was okay since that use of slaves was acceptable within many moral schemes; Paul never objected to it, and some passages potentially align with treating enslaved humans as legitimate non-marriage sexual outlets (e.g., as argued by Jennifer Glancy**[8]** regarding 1 Thess 4:4's εἰδέναι ἕκαστον ὑμῶν τὸ ἑαυτοῦ σκεῦος κτᾶσθαι("that each of you know his own vessel to possess in sanctification and honor")).
5. Linguistic flexibility
There's no reason to limit οὔτε μαλακοὶ οὔτε ἀρσενοκοῖται of 1 Cor 6:9 to prostitution; "malakos" means "soft"/"effeminate." In Greek texts, it often does refer to men who are penetrated sexually - obviously effeminizing - but a man who was unrestrained or excessive in his penetrating of women is likewise an example of "effeminate" in Greek sources.
ἀρσενοκοίτης's meaning remains debated, but the etymological game of making it "man-bedders" is problematic; rather than get bogged down in this lexical discussion, the larger point regarding Siker is, again, that the issue of whether "committed same-sex relationships" are in view is irrelevant.
Paul listed effeminate Gentiles as those who will not inherit the kingdom of God; a male prostitute is by definition effeminate for these discourses, but so would a man in a "committed same-sex relationship" who is anally penetrated.
6. Futility
I don't get why "liberal-leaning" scholars think they can salvage a moral Bible by handwaving Paul's (what we can redescribe as) homophobia, even if all of Siker's claims were true, Paul's logic is entirely premised on reprehensibly misogynist gender ideologies that animate his other arguments, so even trying to save the dude from Those Two Bad Verses leaves you with the steaming animal manure that is said premise.
Hope this helps!
Sources
[1] "Not Before Homosexuality: The Materiality of the Cinaedus and the Roman Law against Love between Men," JHS 3 [1993]: 523-73
[2] Love Between Women: Early Christian Responses to Female Homoeroticism [Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1996]
[3] "Lusty Ladies in the Roman Literary Imaginary," in Ancient Sex: New Essays, ed R. Blondell and K. Ormand [Columbus: Ohio State University Press, 2015], 231-51
[4] Feminism, Queerness, Affect, and Romans: Under God? [Atlanta: SBL Press, 2021], 27-37
[5] Roman Homosexuality, 2d Ed [New York: Oxford University Press, 2010] [6] The Garden of Priapus: Sexuality and Aggression in Roman Humor, Rev. Ed. (New York: Oxford University Press, 1992)
[7] A Rereading of Romans: Justice, Jews, and Gentiles [New Haven: Yale University Press, 1994]
[8] Slavery in Early Christianity [New York: Oxford University Press, 2002]

Maybe take apart some/all points or even tell me how to cope.
I thought Paul was that based guy for giving credit to those two women (Phoebe and Priscilla) and stated that people regardless of origin or gender or status were one in the big IM

I was shared this while on a thankfully civilized talk. Here's the link, but I'll clean up the original text to be more digestible, maybe alter a few of it.
https://www.reddit.com/AcademicBiblical/comments/1c5ucxj/response_to_sikers_analysis_of_homosexuality_in
Here goes

1. Siker seems to be offering a scholarly version of Matthew Vines' argument
It being "Paul can't be condemning what we think of as committed loving homosexual relationships, because he was thinking of bad things like prostitution or uncontrolled-lust homosexuality."
So, the idea is to claim that Paul's letters can't be enlisted to authorize contemporary homophobia since he wouldn't have known about the kinds of relationships gay Christians want to have now.
I appreciate the contemporary ethics of Siker's approach since homophobia is dehumanizing and harmful, but the idea that this approach inherently reflects "liberal leanings" (Siker's claim) ignores how plenty of liberals reject homophobia without trying to enlist and sanitize the Bible as support.
2. I disagree with the Innocent Paul claim as Vines postulated
It is true that Greek, Roman, and Jewish sources do not often feature something resembling "a committed loving queer sexual relationship," but this is where confusion often sets in; there must be a distinction between

• Whether such queer relationships were really nonexistent in Mediterranean antiquity and if writers were aware and
• Whether what's going on is that the dominant Greco-Roman sexual ideologies that shape our texts have no room for such relationships

According to dominant ideals, powerful men were supposed to actively penetrate those below themselves on the social and gender hierarchy; a man who delighted in being penetrated by another man was by relative definition effeminate, and thus not to be celebrated. Women loving and sexually engaging with other women meant they weren't being used by (the right) men, and thus Greek and Roman writers tended to disparage, ridicule, and reframe female homoeroticism.
But our texts aren't direct sociological data, they reflect and think with dominant sexual ideologies, which by definition erased/reframed divergent sexual and gender expressions. This is why the likes of Amy Richlin,[1] Bernadette Brooten,[2] Deborah Kamen and Sarah Levin-Richardson,[3] and Jimmy Hoke**[4]** have argued that even though our sources erase, reframe, and distort people who liked any non-normative sex and relationships in Mediterranean antiquity, they still existed.
Bottom line: Writers like Paul could certainly have been aware of queer sexualities and relationships that were not enslaved prostitution or pederasty. Folks like Vines and Siker unintentionally reinscribe the association between homoeroticism and pedophilia/sexual violence.
For what it's worth, everyone should read Richlin's article from 30 years ago. Doesn't matter whether you agree with all of her arguments, it's brilliant scholarship.
3. Corpus point of view
There's a related debate about whether our texts even have a category for something like sexual orientation or simply imagine sex via other grids like active vs. passive/penetrator vs. penetrated (e.g., see Craig Williams' excellent sketch of these paradigms in Roman literature**[5]**).
The most common scholarly opinion in terms of Greco-Roman antiquity gender-sex studies is that our sources don't reflect ideas like sexual orientation, so orientational categories aren't historically helpful for reading our texts.
Other scholars like Richlin and Brooten have critiqued these positions, though they still forcefully argue that our sources thought with overtly hierarchical patriarchal ideologies about sex, like penetrator and penetrated. This final point is something on which Richlin is often misrepresented, which is bizarre since she wrote one of the classic books for understanding such dominant sexual ideologies.[6]
4. Paul Romana
Romans 1:18-32's basic point is that Paul discussed the total moral failure of Gentiles by sketching their (feminizing) descent into being dominated by their passions, one of the resultant illustrations of the Gentiles being their domination by their passions through transgressing the gendered order, exemplified by Gentile men losing sexual control of "their women" (i.e., these men are failed men from this angle) and each other in 1:26-27 - an inversion of the normative sexual order.
Paul treated male-male anal penetration as a straight illustration of Gentile corruption and domination by their passions. It's part of his grander point that Gentiles became (effeminately) enslaved by their passions (see Stanley Stowers' classic articulation of this decline-of-civilization reading of Rom 1:18-32**[7]**).
The key issue here is that there's no literary reason to think he only had in mind enslaved prostitution or pederasty, ANY male-male anal penetration upended the normative gender order. If anything, he might have indicated elsewhere that free men penetrating (raping) their slaves (gender irrelevant) was okay since that use of slaves was acceptable within many moral schemes; Paul never objected to it, and some passages potentially align with treating enslaved humans as legitimate non-marriage sexual outlets (e.g., as argued by Jennifer Glancy**[8]** regarding 1 Thess 4:4's εἰδέναι ἕκαστον ὑμῶν τὸ ἑαυτοῦ σκεῦος κτᾶσθαι("that each of you know his own vessel to possess in sanctification and honor")).
5. Linguistic flexibility
There's no reason to limit οὔτε μαλακοὶ οὔτε ἀρσενοκοῖται of 1 Cor 6:9 to prostitution; "malakos" means "soft"/"effeminate." In Greek texts, it often does refer to men who are penetrated sexually - obviously effeminizing - but a man who was unrestrained or excessive in his penetrating of women is likewise an example of "effeminate" in Greek sources.
ἀρσενοκοίτης's meaning remains debated, but the etymological game of making it "man-bedders" is problematic; rather than get bogged down in this lexical discussion, the larger point regarding Siker is, again, that the issue of whether "committed same-sex relationships" are in view is irrelevant.
Paul listed effeminate Gentiles as those who will not inherit the kingdom of God; a male prostitute is by definition effeminate for these discourses, but so would a man in a "committed same-sex relationship" who is anally penetrated.
6. Futility
I don't get why "liberal-leaning" scholars think they can salvage a moral Bible by handwaving Paul's (what we can redescribe as) homophobia, even if all of Siker's claims were true, Paul's logic is entirely premised on reprehensibly misogynist gender ideologies that animate his other arguments, so even trying to save the dude from Those Two Bad Verses leaves you with the steaming animal manure that is said premise.
Hope this helps!
Sources
[1] "Not Before Homosexuality: The Materiality of the Cinaedus and the Roman Law against Love between Men," JHS 3 [1993]: 523-73
[2] Love Between Women: Early Christian Responses to Female Homoeroticism [Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1996]
[3] "Lusty Ladies in the Roman Literary Imaginary," in Ancient Sex: New Essays, ed R. Blondell and K. Ormand [Columbus: Ohio State University Press, 2015], 231-51
[4] Feminism, Queerness, Affect, and Romans: Under God? [Atlanta: SBL Press, 2021], 27-37
[5] Roman Homosexuality, 2d Ed [New York: Oxford University Press, 2010] [6] The Garden of Priapus: Sexuality and Aggression in Roman Humor, Rev. Ed. (New York: Oxford University Press, 1992)
[7] A Rereading of Romans: Justice, Jews, and Gentiles [New Haven: Yale University Press, 1994]
[8] Slavery in Early Christianity [New York: Oxford University Press, 2002]

Maybe take apart some/all points or even tell me how to cope.
I thought Paul was that based guy for giving credit to those two women (Phoebe and Priscilla) and stated that people regardless of origin or gender or status were one in the big IM
I hope I chose the right tag

Hi everyone. I'll try to keep it as short as I can.
I have a friend at work whom I love (platonically) a lot. This person has unknowingly saved my life, which is why I value our friendship so much. However, they seem to have a very hard time dealing with emotions, can be extremely short-sighted and sometimes downright hurtful. They'll say anything that comes up in their thoughts. Normally this doesn't phase me much and I can deal with it because I know they're just like that and 99% of their comments and remarks are playful, not malicious.
A lot of people like this person for their outgoingness, enthusiasm, always upbeat and bubbly personality. But the same people have told me they can be an absolute pain in the ass, self-centered, mean, oblivious to other people's feelings and very avoidant when it comes to conflict. I have never experienced this until yesterday.
I told them something that happened to me (my beloved cat died) and that I did very soon adopt another one, and they reacted in an extremely hurtful way. Told me I didn't have respect for my old cat, that I apparently only liked the 'idea of having a cat' and didn't love my deceased cat enough because I didn't take time to mourn her. That really struck a nerve with me because I can mourn and love at the same time and circumstances made me have a new cat so soon. But my friend never even asked about that, they just had their opinion ready to fire at me. I tried explaining it but they just kept repeating the same hurtful thing. I shut down and ignored them for the rest of the hour, and also left early because their remarks sat so wrong with me and made me very angry.
Then later that day this friend texts me asking what was wrong, so I told them that their blatant and harsh opinion didn't sit right with me and that I didn't expect such a hurtful thing coming from a friend whom I respected and valued. They responded with 'I thought it was that. That wasn't my intention. It's your life. You shouldn't care about others' opinions and just do whatever you want'.
To me, this just made it worse because they didn't say sorry, but rather emphasized that they still hold that opinion and that I just shouldn't care about it. That can be true and they can have whichever opinion they want to have, but why say it? Why say such a shitty thing when you know someone is hurting?
I replied again explaining why what they said was so hurtful to me and that I thought it was pretty disrespectful towards me as well. That I thought we were friends and you don't joke about the death of loved ones (even if they are pets), let alone make malicious comments about them. Not to anyone but especially not friends. It's not even about their opinion on the matter because they can think whatever, but is it really too much to ask a little compassion from a friend?
They said 'Well I'm only human!'
I again told them they just hurt me, and that sure they are human, but so am I, and humans have emotions.
They replied 'I hope you are doing well, take care of yourself'.
ZERO reaction to the things I said. None. Not an apology, not an explanation, not confirming/denying we were indeed friends and they may have crossed a line, NOTHING. Just literal empty words, a totally illogical reply to what I had sent them.
I'm seeing them at work again tonight and I don't know what to do. Apparently I completely misjudged our relationship (??) and they simply don't value me at all(??). I don't know whether to go up to them and ask to talk, juat completely ignore them or something else. I can't avoid them completely so ignoring them would be extremely uncomfortable and obvious. But will talking even help? What do I say??
I don't want to lose this friendship, if it even ever was one. I don't want to become strangers with this person and giving them the cold shoulder forever doesn't feel right. But I also don't want to just let this slide and let them get away with hurting me so badly as a joke.
This entire thing is giving me really bad anxiety and I normally am completely conflict-avoidant and usually I will people walk all over me JUST to avoid conflict, but them disrespecting me and the love I have for my deceased cat is not something I can let slide. Yet it is giving me horrible anxiety. Since we talked 3 hours ago, I haven't been able to really do anything. Like I'm paralyzed with anxiety.
If anyone has any ideas as to how to approach this conflict.. that would be very much appreciated. Thank you ❤️
Also please just accept that losing my pet was and is just very hurtful to me, and opening my house and heart for another cat in need has helped me a lot. Your opinions on how I am handling it are 100% valid, but please be a little gentle.

I'm really struggling with this one. I've been an nvim user for a few years now. Been through four or five iterations of my nvim config. Here are my dotfiles.
The problem: Go to definition does not work with web-components.
Example: ${this.text}
This is a custom web-component. It's being imported like this: import '../fd-chip/fd-chip';
The question: How can I get go to definition to work here?
in my nvim/init.lua, I have an autocmd that attaches keymaps when lsp is attached:

autocmd('LspAttach', { group = MyGroup, callback = function(e) local opts = { buffer = e.buf } vim.keymap.set("n", "e", vim.diagnostic.open_float) vim.keymap.set("n", "gd", function() vim.lsp.buf.definition() end, opts) vim.keymap.set("n", "K", function() vim.lsp.buf.hover() end, opts) vim.keymap.set("n", "vws", function() vim.lsp.buf.workspace_symbol() end, opts) vim.keymap.set("n", "vd", function() vim.diagnostic.open_float() end, opts) vim.keymap.set("n", "vca", function() vim.lsp.buf.code_action() end, opts) vim.keymap.set("n", "vrr", function() vim.lsp.buf.references() end, opts) vim.keymap.set("n", "vrn", function() vim.lsp.buf.rename() end, opts) vim.keymap.set("i", "", function() vim.lsp.buf.signature_help() end, opts) end }) 

Can anyone lead me in a direction of how to investigate the problem here or what could be a solution? Thank you so much.
Edit: I forgot to say, this works in vscode. Also, go to definition works for react components, functions, etc. Just not with web-components.

Hi everyone. I'll try to keep it as short as I can.
I have a friend at work whom I love (platonically) a lot. This person has unknowingly saved my life, which is why I value our friendship so much. However, they seem to have a very hard time dealing with emotions, can be extremely short-sighted and sometimes downright hurtful. They'll say anything that comes up in their thoughts. Normally this doesn't phase me much and I can deal with it because I know they're just like that and 99% of their comments and remarks are playful, not malicious.
A lot of people like this person for their outgoingness, enthusiasm, always upbeat and bubbly personality. But the same people have told me they can be an absolute pain in the ass, self-centered, mean, oblivious to other people's feelings and very avoidant when it comes to conflict. I have never experienced this until yesterday.
I told them something that happened to me (my beloved cat died) and that I did very soon adopt another one, and they reacted in an extremely hurtful way. Told me I didn't have respect for my old cat, that I apparently only liked the 'idea of having a cat' and didn't love my deceased cat enough because I didn't take time to mourn her. That really struck a nerve with me because I can mourn and love at the same time and circumstances made me have a new cat so soon. But my friend never even asked about that, they just had their opinion ready to fire at me. I tried explaining it but they just kept repeating the same hurtful thing. I shut down and ignored them for the rest of the hour, and also left early because their remarks sat so wrong with me and made me very angry.
Then later that day this friend texts me asking what was wrong, so I told them that their blatant and harsh opinion didn't sit right with me and that I didn't expect such a hurtful thing coming from a friend whom I respected and valued. They responded with 'I thought it was that. That wasn't my intention. It's your life. You shouldn't care about others' opinions and just do whatever you want'.
To me, this just made it worse because they didn't say sorry, but rather emphasized that they still hold that opinion and that I just shouldn't care about it. That can be true and they can have whichever opinion they want to have, but why say it? Why say such a shitty thing when you know someone is hurting?
I replied again explaining why what they said was so hurtful to me and that I thought it was pretty disrespectful towards me as well. That I thought we were friends and you don't joke about the death of loved ones (even if they are pets), let alone make malicious comments about them. Not to anyone but especially not friends. It's not even about their opinion on the matter because they can think whatever, but is it really too much to ask a little compassion from a friend?
They said 'Well I'm only human!'
I again told them they just hurt me, and that sure they are human, but so am I, and humans have emotions.
They replied 'I hope you are doing well, take care of yourself'.
ZERO reaction to the things I said. None. Not an apology, not an explanation, not confirming/denying we were indeed friends and they may have crossed a line, NOTHING. Just literal empty words, a totally illogical reply to what I had sent them.
I'm seeing them at work again tonight and I don't know what to do. Apparently I completely misjudged our relationship (??) and they simply don't value me at all(??). I don't know whether to go up to them and ask to talk, just completely ignore them or something else. I can't avoid them completely so ignoring them would be extremely uncomfortable and obvious. But will talking even help? What do I say??
I don't want to lose this friendship, if it even ever was one. I don't want to become strangers with this person and giving them the cold shoulder forever doesn't feel right. But I also don't want to just let this slide and let them get away with hurting me so badly as a joke.
If anyone has any ideas as to how to approach this conflict.. that would be very much appreciated. Thank you ❤️
Also please just accept that losing my pet was and is just very hurtful to me, and opening my house and heart for another cat in need has helped me a lot. Your opinions on how I am handling it are 100% valid, but please be a little gentle.

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Preface: This is for Vedic, Sidereal Astrology.
This took a super long time to finish, but I've finally reached a point where I think I'm done trying to improve it. This part will focus more on how Purva Bhadrapada manifests for individuals.
Nature
Purva Bhadrapada reminds me a lot of Kali Yuga. In Hindu cosmology, Kali is the final of the four ages that the world goes through as part of a continuous cycle of creation, maintenance, and dissolution. It is the final stage before the onset of a new cycle, promising the destruction of the old order and the eventual merging of all into a unified whole. It signifies a time of dual balance before dissolution of individual identities and the reunification of all existence with the divine source. This can be viewed as being similar to the process of individual death, but it is on a universal scale. Kali Yuga is considered the age of darkness and moral decline, where spiritual values deteriorate and materialism prevails. According to Hindu scriptures, Kali Yuga is characterized by widespread social, political, and moral corruption, as well as a decline in virtue and Dharma (righteousness). It is believed that, during this age, human beings face numerous challenges and spiritual tests, and the pursuit of higher consciousness becomes increasingly more difficult compared to the previous Yugas. Just as Kali Yuga tests individuals with challenges to their spiritual resolve amidst the prevailing degeneration of values, Purva Bhadrapada is a cosmic stage where one's truest nature is tested through the weakening separation of the spiritual and the material. Here, individuals are made to confront their deepest fears and desires, burdened with the challenge of facing their true nature and purifying their souls. The emphasis of this nakshatra lies in releasing attachments amidst the seduction of outer freedom and power, mirroring the spiritual trials inherent to Kali Yuga. Yet, despite challenges of degeneration, there exists a unique opportunity during the stages of both Kali and Purva Bhadrapada. Kali is believed to be the best time for spiritual progress and true liberation because individuals can attain spiritual growth more rapidly due to the intensity of the challenges they face during this period, and the same is true of Purva Bhadrapada nakshatra. Both Kali and Purva Bhadrapada emphasize the importance of transcending mundane concerns and dedicatedly seeking spiritual truth amidst the backdrop of pervading ignorance.

The primary nature of Purva Bhadrapada is that of penance and disequilibrium. Purva Bhadrapada is the stage of evolution where individuals are made to undergo intense internal transformation and dissolution, shedding layers of their being in preparation for spiritual renewal and divine return. This process of metamorphosis can be seen as a type of penance, whether embraced willingly or thrust upon them. It offers eventual rewards as they journey towards enlightenment. As the primary nature of Purva Bhadrapada revolves around penance and transformation, individuals heavily influenced by this Nakshatra are oriented towards personal introspection and societal purification, viewing their lives as both a personal quest for growth and an opportunity to contribute to the greater good. Individually, they seek to cleanse themselves of past transgressions and strive for spiritual redemption. They feel personally responsible and remorseful for their impact on others. At a broader societal level, they are driven by a strong sense of justice and a duty to rectify societal wrongs to contribute to the collective upliftment and purification of their community. As such, they often subject themselves and others to extreme physical, mental, and spiritual challenges. They are presented with a kind of spiritual trial of sacrifice: either they can willingly embrace self-denial and endure while remaining detached, or they can create so much desire and fear that it causes them to lose the direction of their souls in the process. While the primary manifestation of Purva Bhadrapada energy is inwardly focused on cultivating self-discipline and perfection, oftentimes to an unhealthy degree, sometimes the focus can instead shift outward. This is where Purva Bhadrapada gains a lot of its infamy; Purva Bhadrapada is revered as one of the most "difficult" and "intense" nakshatras among Vedic astrologers. It is an asterism that gets approached with trepidation due to its somber imagery and associations with themes of violence, debauchery, and malevolence. The negative traits linked to Purva Bhadrapada, such as paranoia, pessimism, and hedonism, contribute to its daunting reputation. And for the most part, the fear of this nakshatra is justified. Not only are these individuals capable of doling out punishment themselves through various means like violence, manipulation, curses, etc., but they can also inadvertently bring out the self-destructive or uncontrolled nature of others. They are the types to cause deep introspection and confrontation with one's own shortcomings and fears, often acting as catalysts for irreversible transformation of character.

In terms of Purva Bhadrapada's inherently unbalanced nature, the trajectory is quite clear. These natives are not the type to do anything in moderation and often have an unstable demeanor and sense of self. They will always be pulled towards the polar extremes of anything, but they can flip on their values rapidly following any transformative event. They may occupy the deepest levels of material saturation, completely lost in chasing fame, drugs, sex, and uncontained immoral activities. Yet, paradoxically, they can also find themselves drawn to the heights of spiritual austerity, sometimes even at the same time they are trying to maximize their material standing. This innate propensity for extremes and contradiction manifests in every aspect of their lives, from their relationships, to their goals, to their beliefs, and to their actions. They are esteemed for their amiable disposition, characterized by warmth, thoughtfulness, and a selfless inclination to assist others without seeking acknowledgment. Yet, concurrently, they are often perceived as self-serving, prone to bouts of ill temper, and housing a proclivity towards ego-centricity. Despite appearing outwardly normal a lot of the time, they can be very eccentric. They are the types to lead clandestine lives, harboring secrets and maintaining hidden facets of their personalities and activities, even to those closest to them. This can make them seem nefarious and untrustworthy. Sometimes this is the case, but despite having a reputation for deceit, many of them are known to be sincere and honorable. Yet, underlying however they are being perceived is a deeper struggle to fully identify with anything. This challenge leads to inner conflicts and uncertainties, as they grapple with their sense of self and their place in the world. They are up and down–left and right, constantly in a state of internal conflict that leaves them questioning who they really are. They can feel like they don't know themselves while still being hyper-individualistic and defensive over whatever their current sense of identity is, even though it is likely to change. These contradictions reveal the complexity of their psyche, where outer appearances often mask inner conflicts and contradictory emotions and experiences. Purva Bhadrapada natives navigate the space where boundaries are starting to blur, reflecting the burgeoning singularity of existence in their minds. Due to this, sometimes they can seem like walking contradictions, embodying multiple clashing characteristics at once. For example, while they may harbor a sense of superiority over others, they can also experience deep-seated insecurity and jealousy. They can like to be critical, but cannot handle criticism. Additionally, they might demonstrate a strong desire for independence and self-reliance, yet simultaneously crave validation and approval from those around them. These conflicting traits contribute to their complex and enigmatic nature, making them intriguing yet challenging individuals to understand to others and themselves.

Purva Bhadrapada's inclination towards extremes extends to their pursuit of goals, as they approach certain tasks with unwavering ambition and dedication. They set high standards and are willing to push themselves to extreme limits to get what they want. This relentless drive for perfection and attainment can sometimes lead them to engage in behaviors that are harmful to the well-being of themselves or others, as they struggle to find balance and moderation. At this point, you may be asking, "how is that penance if they are only striving to selfishly get what they want?" Well, the painful truth about this is that they do not really want these things. They are told by others ignorant to their situation that they will be happy when they achieve some kind of abstruse goal set forth for them by society, and they are sent on a goose-chase of material ambition to achieve happiness, but this inevitably only leads to further dissatisfaction. They are met with pain, humiliation, and harsh transformation, but they keep pushing towards their aspiration of material fulfillment. It is only when they get that job, marry that partner, become famous, etc. that they realize it does not bring them happiness or fill them with the sense of purpose they crave. In fact, this realization often sparks intense anger within them as they confront the worthlessness of what they spent all their time chasing. The journey through Purva Bhadrapada is undeniably arduous, but that is to be expected with such a potent force. They are called to transcend their attachments, lest they be forcefully ripped away. They begin to grapple with an inescapable emptiness they feel when interacting with the world, and this can often lead them to deep feelings of nihilism. Purva Bhadrapada natives are predisposed to being unhappy, and this is not a shallow kind of unhappiness that fades based on external circumstances. Rather, it is a deeply existential depression– a feeling of confused worthlessness and dissatisfaction they often battle with for the duration of their lives. Their experiences and attachments become increasingly burdensome as they grow more aware of the fleeting nature of life amidst the desire they have to get the most out of their lives. These natives openly acknowledge the impermanence of worldly intentions, and this can make their minds unpredictable and unstable. Their newfound philosophy can be used to justify any actions according to moral relativism. This marks the beginning of a test of their true nature as they grapple with the realities of life. If nothing matters in the grand scheme – where whatever you do will eventually fade into obscurity, wiped away with the start of a new cycle – they become mentally uninhibited, feeling free to do whatever they please. The real concern lies in what they choose to do with this. Doing whatever you want only becomes harmful when what you want is harmful. But sadly, the reality is that mast people are not strong enough to fully resist the temptation of evil. Therefore, this trial is exclusively administered to individuals who possess a high level of spiritual advancement. Regardless of the difficulties they face, those governed by Purva Bhadrapada have tremendous inner strength and personal resilience, which often manifests in worldly and spiritual achievement and prosperity in various facets of their lives.

Individuals born under the influence of the Purva Bhadrapada Nakshatra are inherently inclined towards detachment from external influences. This detachment often leads them down two distinct paths. Some choose to embrace a life unbound by societal norms, driven solely by their inner convictions. These individuals seek to experience life to the fullest, embracing both its joys and challenges. However, if they feel unfulfilled, they may turn to darker pursuits in search of excitement. Conversely, others utilize their detachment for spiritual advancement, renouncing materialism in favor of a disciplined quest for higher truths. In both cases, detachment becomes a defining trait, shaping their lives in divergent yet meaningful ways. Whether they become revolutionary leaders or appear lazy due to their selective motivation, their actions are stirred only by what truly invigorates their souls. Their inner character often changes with time. They can often start out seeming quite innocent and fragile, and a lot of the time they will have something about them that invites torment, be it their big and eccentric personalities, their height, their weight, their looks, etc. This often leads people to perceive them as different and vulnerable. Unfortunately, this vulnerability often attracts individuals who seek to exploit, victimize, or corrupt them. There's a noticeable pattern of others attempting to take advantage of their perceived weakness, whether it be through just trying to make them feel bad, manipulating them, coercing them to do things they do not want to, or forcing them to be alone by treating them as outcasts. This predatory behavior can leave these individuals feeling isolated, betrayed, and miserable, further fueling their inner turmoil and sense of disillusionment with the world around them. However, this also serves to strengthen them. During the course of their lives, they will experience a series of external transformations that will change who they are. While their soft and innocent demeanor may still be present in some ways, there will be a new darker side to their nature. The inner transformations that Purva Bhadrapada natives undergo change them into stronger, more hardened versions of themselves. This alteration can manifest in tendencies towards violence, aggression, deceit, manipulation, etc., yet at the same time, it also equips them with the strength and capability to protect others when needed. As they navigate the complexities of life, they become formidable forces, possessing the resilience and detachment to confront challenges head-on along with the capacity to wield their strength for both good and evil.


Purva Bhadrapada natives exhibit a curious mix of flippanse and seriousness, often displaying a casual attitude towards many topics yet demonstrating am air of severe solemnity in regards to topics concerning philosophical and existential matters in particular. They possess a keen intellect of innovation and creativity, excelling in fields like science and research owing to their insatiable thirst for knowledge and a relentless pursuit of deeper truth. While they may have a religious inclination, their focus lies more on unraveling the essence of spirituality rather than adhering rigidly to dogma. As a result of their approach to religion, it can sometimes lead them to be critical of conventional religious practices, which rely heavily on rules and ritual. These natives disdain hypocrisy and superficiality, valuing authenticity and depth in both thought and action. However, despite their outward confidence, they often wrestle with inner self-doubt and a crippling fear of failure, which leaves little room for optimism when faced with setbacks. While they typically prefer solitude, they may inadvertently exploit relationships when seeking to escape the monotony of everyday life. They are driven by an innate desire to transcend mediocrity and be perceived as exceptional and unique. This drive for excellence and distinction stems from underlying feelings of insecurity and a fear of judgment, compelling them to constantly push the boundaries and strive for success through originality in all aspects of their lives. n personal relationships, Purva Bhadrapada natives may struggle to balance their need for independence with a desire for connection. Generally, in their interactions with others, Purva Bhadrapada natives are intense yet detached. Despite their desire for authenticity and closeness in relationships, they may struggle to express their true feelings openly, fearing rejection or misunderstanding. This internal conflict between their need for connection and their fear of vulnerability can create barriers to intimacy, causing them to retreat into solitude or self-imposed isolation. In addition, their critical nature and high standards can sometimes alienate others, as they can come across as overly judgmental or demanding. They do value depth and sincerity in relationships, but they also tend to push others away with their intensity. Despite this, they are often very empathic and understanding and can offer support to those they hold dear.

Before I get into the padas, I want to give some examples. I do not want to go into much detail or take up too much time with this, but given the very complicated nature of this nakshatra, I feel that it is necessary to provide media representations for people to look into if they are interested in knowing more about how it manifests: Martin Scorsese PB Moon and Andrew Garfield PB ASC (Silence Official Trailer (2016) - Paramount Pictures), Billie Eilish PB ASC (Billie Eilish - bury a friend (Official Music Video)), Jack Black PB Moon (School of Rock (2003) Trailer #1 Movieclips Classic Trailers), Dylan O'brien PB Moon (AMERICAN ASSASSIN - Official Trailer - HD (Dylan O'Brien, Michael Keaton), Logan-Marshall Green (Upgrade Trailer #1 (2018) Movieclips Trailers), Paul Walker PB Moon (Hours TRAILER (2013) - Paul Walker Movie HD), Bill Skarsgard PB Moon (The Crow - Official Trailer (2024) Bill Skarsgård, FKA twigs, Danny Huston), Olivia Wilde PB Sun (A VIGILANTE Official HD International Trailer Starring Olivia Wilde) & (The Lazarus Effect Official Trailer #1 (2015) - Olivia Wilde, Mark Duplass Movie HD), John Stamos PB ASC (John Stamos Stars in "Secrets of Eden" Lifetime), Hozier PB Sun (the lyrics and imagery of this video are extremely Purva Bhadrapada) Hozier - Take Me To Church), Kaya Scoledario PB Sun (Spinning Out Official Trailer Netflix), Ryan Gosling PB ASC (THE FALL GUY Official Trailer 2 (Universal Studios) - HD), Camila Mendes PB Moon (Do Revenge Official Trailer Netflix), Bryan Cranston PB Sun (Breaking Bad Trailer), Sabrina Carpenter PB Moon and Milo Manheim PB Sun (Sabrina Carpenter - Feather (Official Video) Alexandra Daddario PB Sun (Anne Rice's Mayfair Witches Trailer: Starring Alexandra Daddario AMC+), Jacob Elordi PB Moon (2 HEARTS Official Trailer (2020) Jacob Elordi, Tiera Skovbye), Tom Blyth PB Moon (Billy The Kid (EPIX 2022 Series) Official Trailer), Daniel Gillies PB Sun (COMING HOME IN THE DARK Trailer (2021) Daniel Gillies Suspense Thriller Movie), Matthew Gray Gubler PB Sun (KING KNIGHT Trailer (2022) Angela Sarafyan, Matthew Gray Gubler), Jon Hamm (Corner Office (2023) Official Trailer - Jon Hamm, Danny Pudi, Sarah Gadon), Rachel Weisz PB Sun + Moon and Sam Claflin PB Moon (MY COUSIN RACHEL Official Trailer FOX Searchlight), Chris Pine PB Moon (Jack Reacher Movie Trailer), Madison Beer PB Sun (Madison Beer - Make You Mine (Official Music Video), Sharon Stone PB Sun (Basic Instinct - Trailer (1080p)), and Michael Jackson PB Moon (Michael Jackson - Thriller (Official 4K Video).

Padas

(mostly for Moon) They all tend to be skinny to middle weight until they get older, where they either become more muscular or plump/curvy.

1st – The first pada of Purva Bhadrapada, falling in the Aries Navamsa, signifies a stage of primal energy and raw ambition. With Mars as their guiding force, they exhibit a relentless drive to achieve their goals, refusing to be deterred by obstacles or setbacks. However, being the initial pada of the nakshatra just leaving the stage of Shatabhisha, this quarter is the least spiritually developed. While they may possess great worldly ambition and the capacity for success, they may also be prone to ego-driven actions and an overly narrow focus on material pursuits. They can get into occultism or spirituality, but it is usually an attempt to further themselves in the material realm. Natives born under this pada possess a combative nature, always ready to engage in confrontations to defend their beliefs or assert their dominance. They tend to be more mentally aggressive than physically, but nonetheless their volatile temperament can lead to physical disputes as well when they are provoked enough. They know they can be very damaging when they lose control, so they will do everything in their power to prevent escalation. Ironically, this can make them seem passive. They typically exhibit anxious tendencies while attempting to conceal or downplay their feelings of worry. Natives of this pada are extremely passionate, but they have a tendency to constantly compare themselves to others, which ultimately can lead them to disregard their efforts to focus on surpassing someone else's. This propensity of theirs for aggression, envy, and competitiveness can strain relationships and hinder their personal growth, as they become consumed by their own desires for dominance and validation. They are usually medium tall with a wide forehead and low eyebrows.

2nd – The second pada of Purva Bhadrapada, ruled by Venus in the Taurus Navamsa, embodies a stage of sensual indulgence and creative expression. Individuals born under this pada are drawn to the occult and mysteries of the unseen, often delving into practices such as astrology and black magic. There is a bit of detachment from the mysticism of it at this stage though. They may prefer to look at it through a scientific or philosophical perspective as opposed to one that embraces faith in the divine. While their interest in these esoteric realms may lead to proficiency in such arts, it also heightens their propensity to lose track of their life's direction, becoming absorbed in the pursuit of hidden knowledge and power. Natives of this pada are characterized by their attractive physique, with beautiful broad teeth and strikingly captivating eyes that draw others to them. They possess an innate charm that makes them highly appealing to the opposite sex, and they are not hesitant to indulge in their darker desires and fantasies. Their creativity knows no bounds, as they constantly innovate and explore new avenues of expression. However, despite their magnetic allure and creative flair, individuals of this pada are prone to indulgence and excess, particularly when it comes to satisfying their sensual appetites. Their pursuit of pleasure and gratification can sometimes lead them astray, causing them to lose sight of their responsibilities and priorities. This stage of Purva Bhadrapada is more spiritually evolved than the prior, but it is still in the accumulation phase of Aquarius and the 11th house. Despite their outward charm, they may struggle to find stability and balance in their lives. They are prone to accidents.

3rd – The third pada of Purva Bhadrapada falls in the Gemini Navamsa and is ruled by Mercury. Natives born under this pada embody the mental side of Purva Bhadrapada, which is very focused on cultivating critical reasoning and gathering information, emphasizing communication, learning, and adaptability. Individuals born under this pada are intellectually inclined, constantly seeking to expand their knowledge and understanding of the world around them. They are playful and curious by nature, approaching life with a sense of wonder and exploration. Their energy is expressed through communication and expression, as they excel in articulating their thoughts and ideas. They have a natural gift for language and may find success in fields such as writing, teaching, or public speaking. Despite their playful demeanor, they are still very serious about their pursuits, driven by a deep-seated desire for personal growth and self-improvement. Natives of this pada tend to be peaceful and honorable, seeking harmony and balance in their interactions with others. However, their mercurial nature can sometimes manifest as manipulation or deceit, particularly when they perceive it necessary to achieve their goals. Nonetheless, they are skilled at navigating social situations and may possess a knack for making money through their cleverness and resourcefulness. In terms of appearance, individuals of this pada may have gaunt lower cheeks, high cheekbones, a narrow and defined jawline, and a medium stature. These physical characteristics complement their sharp wit and agile minds, making them engaging in social settings.

4th – The fourth pada of Purva Bhadrapada is ruled by the Moon in Cancer Navamsa. This is the most spiritually advanced of all the padas and tends to be among the most intense. At this stage, individuals born under this pada have either undergone profound inner transformation, shedding their attachment to worldly desires and material gains for the sake of aligning with the cosmic order, or they have fallen for the empty temptations of material life, leading them to a deeper state of moral decay. This pada in the sequence of this nakshatra symbolizes the finalization of death, and just like when we die, the impact of our lives can no longer be altered. You are called to surrender all you have acquired to the purifying flames of the spiritual fire, relinquishing personal benefit for the greater good, and if you fail, your soul will be lost to another cycle of rebirth. This represents the height of the nakshatra's power to manifest, it can come to be either an uplifting force for individuals and humanity as a whole, or as a potentially dangerous influence. Those born under this pada are deeply engaged in their own spiritual pursuits, usually guided by a sense of purpose and higher calling. They possess an innate magnetism and power that exerts influence over others and the world around them. Despite the intensity of their spiritual journey, individuals of this pada tend to enjoy good longevity and robust health, thanks to their deep connection with the cosmic energies. They are often perceived charismatic individuals, drawing others to them with their presence. However, their innate power comes with a responsibility to wield it wisely, as they hold the potential to bring about significant positive change or destruction, depending on how they choose to channel it.


Caste

Purva Bhadrapada belongs to the Brahmin or priestly/scholarly caste. This classification is based on the inherent qualities and tendencies of individuals born under this nakshatra, rather than their family lineage, as seen in contemporary caste systems. In Vedic astrology and Hindu tradition, each nakshatra is associated with as caste, thereby linking them to specific attributes, occupations, and societal roles. Brahmin is positioned as the highest caste and is given the most power and responsibility, both socially and spiritually. In classical texts, the Brahmin caste is exalted for its dedication to scholarship, spirituality, and moral rectitude. Brahmins are depicted as the keepers of sacred knowledge, entrusted with the preservation and dissemination of ancient scriptures and teachings. They are revered for their intellectual prowess, philosophical insights, and commitment to upholding the highest ethical standards. Brahmins are expected to lead lives of austerity, simplicity, and self-discipline, setting examples of virtue and righteousness for society. Additionally, they play important roles in leading religious rituals, ceremonies, and spiritual practices, acting as intermediaries between individuals and the divine. Their contributions also extend beyond religious and intellectual realms though, as they also provide guidance, counseling, and healing to individuals and communities. Overall, Brahmins are portrayed as paragons of virtue, wisdom, and enlightenment, embodying the highest ideals of human excellence and divine knowledge as described in classical texts, acting as oases of wisdom by guiding society not only in matters of spirituality but also in areas such as literature, philosophy, and science. Their primary occupations are mostly associated with administration of all sectors of society, teaching, healing, and providing spiritual guidance. Its intersection with Aquarius Rashi on the ecliptic plane may also relate it to Kshatriya and Shudra.
Gunas
The nakshatras each represent the different gunas at different levels of functioning. For this asterism, it might be confusing to find out that, despite all of its negative connotations, it is associated primarily with Sattva or purity/balance. This mainly stems from this Nakshatra's capacity for penance, spiritualism, and generosity. Overall, Purva Bhadrapada is associated with two levels of Sattva and one of Rajas. Sattva prevails at the physical and mental levels, while Rajas predominates at the spiritual level. At the physical level, individuals born under Purva Bhadrapada exhibit qualities of purity, harmony, and balance. They are often composed, grounded, and possess a sense of stability in their physical endeavors. Mentally, they tend to exhibit clarity, wisdom, and a penchant for introspection when they are only focused on engaging their rational mind. This can get muddy when they try to incorporate less tangible aspects into their thinking though. At the spiritual level, the influence of Rajas emerges, driving them towards spiritual growth and evolution but also threatening them with the struggle of inner turmoil. With Rajas at the most personal level of the spirit, this can cause a onstant seeking pf external validation and gratification, which leads to things such as constantly chasing after fleeting desires and pleasures from their lack of contentment. Additionally, the intense drive associated with Rajas may result in overexertion, burnout, and a disregard for self-care. It can lead to an inflated ego, arrogance, and a tendency towards manipulative or self-serving behavior. Therefore, while Rajas can propel individuals towards spiritual evolution, it also poses challenges that need to be navigated with mindfulness and self-awareness. Together with the heavy influence of Sattva, Rajas in this nakshatra creates a spiritual restlessness that works to propel these natives to actively engage in spiritual practices, seeking to transcend worldly limitations and attain spiritual liberation. It comes with risk, but this is a necessary trial.


Gana

Purva Bhadrapada Nakshatra falls under the category of Manushya Gana, or "human/mixed species." This designation speaks to the inherent qualities and tendencies of individuals born under this nakshatra, aligning them with human characteristics and behaviors. People belonging to the Manushya Gana Nakshatras, including Purva Bhadrapada, place value on their self-worth and esteem. They often enjoy good physical attributes and are blessed with fortune, leading comfortable lives. With warm and friendly personalities, they exhibit care and affection towards their family, friends, and loved ones, readily offering assistance to those in need. However, they also prioritize their own interests and benefits. They are known for their warm and caring nature, and while they may appear busy if approached, they are capable of balancing their personal and professional lives effectively. The path of those born under Manushya Gana nakshatras is undefined. They possess the potential to exhibit both positive and negative qualities, akin to the diverse nature of humanity itself. They have the potential to be even more evil than the Rakshas and even more good than the Devas. While some may lean towards acts of kindness and generosity, others may display tendencies that are less altruistic. This blend of qualities makes them a complex combination qualities you might see for the Deva and Rakshasa Ganas. Keep in mind that you should look at the dominant Gana in your chart to gain a better understanding of how this may apply to you.
Thank you for taking the time to read this if you did. I will have to continue this in a third part because I'm out of room on this post. Afterwards, I will be starting on Shravana Nakshatra soon, and then later on Anuradha.

I'm a trans man, as in I identify as a guy (its relevant to this story). Me and my girlfriend are both rather young so I'll just say we'll be freshmen in a few weeks. I've never been in a relationship before so I have no idea how this works, I only know not to be like my parents.
No one really knows I'm trans other than my close friends and girlfriend, who don't really care much about it. Though, due to the fact kids are assholes, I don't make it public. Me and my girlfriend both agreed to keep our relationship a secret due to it possibly damaging our reputations, but people were already suspecting it before the following situation.
Last month, Me and my girlfriend were hanging around each other in history class since the teacher didn't mind us moving around. I was sitting down while she stood beside me. Despite us keeping the relationship secret, we still do typical things like hold hands and being close to each other. Nothing further than that. Nonetheless, I like physical affection. So as she stood beside me, showing me some videos on her phone, I hugged her around the waist and kept my face near her stomach as I watched.
A few days after that (we did that on a Friday), a boy who saw me do that began to accuse me of grabbing her butt. I didn't. But other people began to back him up, which made me a bit upset but I really didn't care. I pointed out the fact all those kids couldn't have seen it since, based on the angle my desk was in the class, they'd have to be sitting in specific spots to see from behind my girlfriend to see my touch her like that. Not to mention there were people who DID sit in those spots who didn't see anything. I also mentioned the fact another couple in our class are WAY more physically intimate than us, but it seemed to only matter if its "two girls" despite the fact I mostly pass as a dude.
The day they all practically verbally jumped me, my girlfriend was absent. Then the next few days, I was absent due to being sick. But while I was away, she'd text me and tell me to stop acting "gay" around her. Though, technically we'd be a straight couple since I identify as a man, but I didn't say anything about it since I don't really make her respect my identity due to the fact I want her to constantly be happy with me.
For the next couple days that we were at school, we would constantly get harassed about the same thing. Especially this one dude, which also had a girlfriend, who'd taunt me by saying he "understood" the need to be more intimate. Which he doesn't because I literally didn't touch her like that.
Due to this, my girlfriend began to be more distant. Hanging out with other people and rarely coming up to me anymore, I didn't mind it at first but it's starting to bug me.
At the start of our relationship, when I confessed, I told her not to feel like she HAD to be with me to protect my feelings. That, if she doesn't want to be with me, to just say it. I did this because shes kinda a people pleaser type of person, she also has Kanners (autism) so I didn't want to pressure her into dating me or cause a negative reaction. But she said yes (obviously) so I rolled with it. Though, I'm beginning to feel like she really did only want to be with me so our friendship wouldn't be ruined and now that people are onto us, she doesn't like the idea anymore.
Due to the fact she's being distant, I feel like I should just break up with her. To get the hurt out of the way and move on since clearly she feels uncomfortable being touchy or even around me near others now, I just want her to be happy. But I've never done this before and I don't know how to approach this type of situation. I knew the relationship wouldn't last anyway, we'd be going to different schools for high school and long distance isn't really my thing, but I kinda wanted to see if things would work out in the end. Honestly, I'm surprised we lasted like six months since most relationship at this age rarely last a week or two.
Am I the asshole for wanting to break up with her? Or would this be a good thing for both of us?

Monday, July 25th, 2016
JD, AH & their respective lawyers had a six-hour voluntary settlement conference with a judge but "did not reach a resolution of all matters".
This was the final time JD & AH met.
Tuesday, July 26th, 2016
Text exchange between AH & Melanie Inglessis

AH: I'm about to take off. So I couldn't talk earlier. I had a complete mental breakdown before I left. Johnny begging me not to go through with the divorce, to stay and talk to them, to work it out. I have been and was crushed. So confused, angry and hurt and so lost and scared. Plus, having to move. Yesterday was the first day I saw him in mediation. I have talked to him today. He's begging me to let him fix everything and delay my flight to talk tonight. I left instead. But I left my heart behind. I don't know what's right when everything feels so wrong.
MI: Holy shit. You are talking to him, my baby
AH: Yeah mediation. So hard.
MI: I had no idea mediation was a face-to-face with him. Babe, I can only imagine the pain, stress, anxiety, sadness and confusion that you are experiencing right now. And I know you are mourning the end of your marriage and try to process everything. I'm sure mediation was extremely difficult as you still love him. But, please don't doubt yourself as far as the decision that you courageously made.

During her deposition, Elaine asked MI about these messages

EB: Do you recall writing that?
MI: I don't recall writing it…But I remember feeling scared for my friend.

__________________
God, AH is such a shit friend.
She lies to her friends to maintain the facade of being the victimised party, disregarding the stress and concern her lies cause them.
Had MI been aware that just three days earlier, AH had flown to San Francisco and persistently begged JD to get back together and tried to get him into bed, I doubt she would have felt “scared” for her friend.
It's no surprise that AH's old friends want nothing to do with her; she just wastes people's time and energy!

It's Thursday already, and the week went down almost quicker like the flash. And making this post, on a rainy day as I am bored sitting alone in my office, since my teammates work from other parts of the country. So looking for some good conversations and wittu banters.
Firstly, something about myself. Not too much here, it wouldn't be fun if i reveal most of the things in the post, as we can learn about those things further down the line anyway.
Hi, I hope you're having a good time. I'm just an introverted adult in the mid 20s currently bored and trying to have a good conversation. I have a good sense of humour i guess and know a thing or two about keeping the conversation going. Wherever you are doesn't matter, but yeah please don't be dry texter. I just feel like I want to talk to someone. It can be about anything. I prefer someone around my age or older. But it's alright if you're younger as long as the conversation is interesting for both of us.
Lets talk to each other about random topics and try to know about each other. Let's talk about the random things that pop in our minds. You want someone to open up or vent, share your experiences looking for supporting words? Or you wanna gossip about the people around you? I can listen to and respond to them. We can have a mature conversation about life and our ideas. Although I am not a very good advisor, I'm a very good listener. I will try if you need advise on things I know about. I just want to talk/text with someone now. It doesn't have to be a long term thing if you don't want to.
So feel free to hop into the chat. Introduce about yourself a bit or just tell a random fun fact about yourself.... 20+ folks only please.
!lock

Hi everybody,
I have been frustrated with this situation for quite some time now. I really need to connect with people who have had a similar experience. Sorry for the long story.
My (26) parents divorced when I was about 1 years old. The big reason is that my father a hard man to live with and some would describe him as someone with narcissistic tendencies. The divorce meant that me and my sister would spent half our time (later only half of our weekends) alone with my dad. This was not a good time for me. My dad was rarely physically abusive, but definitely emotionally. He would actively pin me and my sister against each other. He would get angry very fast about seemingly small things. And as a child, having to figure out how to have my dad not scream at me and not succeeding was hard for me mentally. To this day I have the feeling that if I give my opinion people will yell at me and it makes me very anxious in my school/ worklife. Of course nobody has ever yelled at me in the big wide world, but it has been hard for me to let this feeling go as it was my life for 22 years.
When I was about 11 years old my dad met his current wife (Tracy). She was very nice and it definitely helped to have another adult in the house. My sister at this time started having a hard time at school and dealing with my father became to much, so she started visiting less. I did mind in the beginning, but then Tanja got pregnant with my little brother. I was so excited and I hung out with my brother a lot. I would say I see myself in him. About 2 years later they had another son. Then they decided to move back to Tanja's home country on another continent. I was so happy that my father left. The idea of not having to please him anymore with every step of my life was such a relieve. Dont get me wrong, I missed my brothers. When he would visit I was still scared and when he texted I was still anxious. But at least he was not able to yell at me every week.
My relieve changed back to anxiety when I visited them 2 times. I saw the way my dad treated my little brothers and it was exactly the same as he would treat me and my sister. My oldest little brother (10 at the time) would pee and poo his pants because of the stress he was under trying to please my father. I am ashamed and embarrassed to say that I did nothing about it. The first time I visited was when I was 18 year old and the second time I was 22 years old. Old enough to protect my little brothers but I did nothing. My frustration from this situation undoubtedly stems from my guilt. I care for my brothers a lot, but I am simply too scared of my father. This is a feeling my sister doesnt share as she distanced herself from my father earlier and didnt visit my little brothers after they moved abroad.
When I was around 22 years old I made the selfish decision of cutting contact with my father. Subsequently cutting contact with my little brothers. Yes, it helped me a lot. I had the freedom to do what I wanted without the judgement and I have found that the world is a lot kinder then I thought it was. Like talking to me friends I figured out that their parents rarely yell at them to my surprise. Anyways, In the back of my mind I know I left my brothers. I know they are having a hard time right now. Primarily because my dad decided to move out of the capital where all of Tanjas support system lives and move to the middle of nowhere about a days ride away. Yes, he decided this on his own and Tanja cannot go up against him. So they went.
The oldest is now 14, but I know that if I were to seek contact with them directly and my father finds out they would have a big problem. If I want contact with them I would have to allow my father back into my life. Quite the dilemma for me. I talked to all my friends and close family about this and they all think I should "take the easy way" and "I shouldnt feel so responsible". However, I think differently and it have been very frustrating for me. Not only do they disagree with me they also dont really give me advice on the subject , because they dont see the big problem.
But I do see a problem. I know my little brothers dont have anyone to protect them after moving away from all the family, except for my stepmom. I know what the effect can be of living with my father. It frustrated me that my father just gets to do as he wants, simply because he is a tall scary man. It frustrated me even more, because there is already a little brother that I dont get to see because my father fucked that up. He is about 20 now and I have not had any contact with him for about 18 years. It frustrated me that my father gets to destroy my relationship with my sibling simply because nobody dares go against him. I want to go up against him and show my little brothers that it can be done, but I feel helpless and scared. Nobody around me seems to understand the gravity I feel around the situation. I hope someone here has had a similar experience. Thank you.

Long story short:
* Like everyone else, I had doubts before purchasing any of his courses, so I’ll mention the main points that were important to me before buying it (more on this when I talk about the four main problems I faced in my journey of self-development and attraction):
* Is the course worth it? Considering the impact it has had on my life, my answer is a resounding YES.
* Is there a cost-benefit balance? Absolutely yes.
* Will it help me in all areas of my life? Yes, especially with power dynamics. This course will offer you valuable insights that you can apply in any area of your life.
* Do the techniques and strategies really work? Yes, they do. However, like any course, the key is to you apply what you've learned and it also depends on the time and effort you're willing to invest to achieve lasting changes
Important note: I don't have any kind of relationship with Lucio or anyone on his team, and no one paid me to do this review, much less to share such intimate details. I am doing this of my own free will because I want to thank him for all the knowledge he has provided me, and I believe this could be useful for him and for anyone looking to determine whether what he teaches is useful or not. This review is not going to be directly about his courses; it is going to be about all the resources on TPM (The Power Moves), and specifically about the impact they have had on my life. Consider it more of a testimonial and also a personal opinion.
The following review is quite detailed, and really long. I really believe that writing less would strip away a lot of depth and context. I don’t expect everyone to read it entirely, but maybe it can offer some perspective to someone interested in buying the course. I’m not a special person (I mean like someone famous, or with a lot of academic titles, or any of that); I’m just a regular guy looking to improve the quality of my life and achieve enough economic prosperity to help the people I love most live the life they want, help those in need, people, animals…and if possible, gain valuable knowledge that helps me in my work as a psychologist. Nothing satisfies me more than seeing the faces of people when, with some time and effort, they realize they can do things they never thought possible and feel proud of themselves for achieving it. I also haven’t had it easy in my romantic life, and I’d like to find a healthy person who is also motivated to be a better human being and have a peaceful love. Learning about power will just be a means to contribute my little bit to this world. I’m not a writer, but I’ll try to outline what I consider to be the most important points to give you another perspective to consider, if you want to buy this course. My native language is Spanish, so due to the length of the text and my lack of skill in “speaking” another language, I decided to use ChatGPT as a translator (since I feel it does a better job than Google Translator), and I’ll make the necessary adjustments to make myself better understood.
For most of my life, I lived in deep loneliness and experienced a lot of abuse from people. I never understood why, no matter how many good things I did for others, I received mistreatment in return. My social programming whispered to me, “Do good things for others, and they will be good to you”, “Give to others what you would like to receive,” among many other things. But as time went by, I slowly fell into despair. Since I was 8 years old, I’ve had suicidal thoughts, strongly influenced by my social/romantic life. Eventually, I began to harbor unhealthy beliefs that took root in my way of thinking. For example, I thought I had to make enormous efforts to maintain the “affection” and “acceptance” people “had” for me. I also believed that if no one, not a single person, treated me with respect, it was because that was what I deserved. If no one was interested in who I was, it was because I was worth so little that I couldn’t ask for more from life and should be grateful for the crumbs of “love” I received. Regarding my love life, during my first 19 years, not a single person showed interest in me. I’m not extremely attractive, but based on social feedback, I’d say I’m slightly above average. Perhaps my short height would be the one physical trait that works against me, as I’m 1.63 meters or, as you might better understand, I’m 5’4”. As for internal traits related to girls, I treated them well, was respectful, showed interest in them, helped them, dedicated a lot of my time, and was unconditionally there for them through good and bad times. I was many things that, according to movies and the opinions of many girls (based solely on what they said they wanted), I thought would bring me plenty of women, and yet, not a single soul wanted to be with me. What I did achieve with the girls I liked was becoming their best friend. And so, I spent my days and nights listening to the girls I liked cry over aggressive men who mistreated them physically and emotionally and/or cheated on them with other girls. I didn’t understand it; I had a good set of values and not just with them but with everyone. I considered myself a good guy, competent in some areas, and was unconditionally there for them, and yet they preferred to be with clearly violent men. In one of the moments when I felt most miserable, the following happened: I liked a girl and expressed it to her, and although she initially reciprocated, a month later, she left me for someone else and started dating that person. In something very similar to therapy, I ended up helping her for almost three years to improve her relationship with her aggressive partner.
Here, I’d like to say something (nothing to do with the situation, but anyway, I wanted to share those thoughts with you): two of the worst things I was made to believe were: “You don’t have to change; someone will come and love you just as you are,” and “Romantic love is something that just happens naturally, stop looking for it. It will come to you.” Neither of these things ever happened, and both are awful, unempathetic and limiting mindsets.
Eight years ago, after spending some time in a psychiatric hospital due to suicidal ideation, I decided to completely change my life and committed to my personal growth. Every day without exception, I studied and applied the concepts I was learning in my spare time, while studying to one day become a psychologist. I bought books, courses (even from very prominent figures in the world of seduction and self-development that you would easily recognize). When I didn’t even have money to eat, I downloaded them from pirate sources, but I always found a way to keep progressing. I had many virtual teachers who helped me grow in different aspects, and I’m very grateful for the knowledge they provided me that helped me climb out of that black hole. Like many who embark on this journey, I reached a point where, no matter how much I read and took courses, there was nothing new to pull me out of my stagnation. Everything was the same. I had to constantly review new resources and listen to endless hours of videos to find a needle in a haystack. For me, it was no longer worth paying for a full course if what I was going to found was something I had likely already learned (a lot of times for free). Although I sought to develop on all levels, here I will emphasize the romantic part more. Generally, these learning resources had a couple of problems: the first is that I’ve never been the kind of person who wants to date multiple girls; I’m more the type of guy who seeks a stable partner. The second problem was that many people who teach dating skills ask you to have a very high energy level and I’m a very calm and rather introverted person (not shy, introverted). I don’t want to pretend to be excited or become friends with everyone around me to increase my social value (it’s very exhausting and not worth it as a long-term strategy). The third problem is that the advice of many people who want to promote healthy relationships (some of them psychologists), although well-intentioned, makes any spark that generated attraction nonexistent, generating very predictable behavior (in the bad way) among other things. – certainly, those tools are important for a healthy relationship, but they won’t necessarily make someone feel attracted to you (I find it unlikely). They are more of a positive complement that can help increase value when there is already attraction. After a while and thanks to Lucio’s reflections, I realized the problems and limitations that these gurus or psychologists, basically they are very “politically correct”. Finally, the last problem I found is that none of them addressed the true root of my problem. No matter how much I improved in all aspects, I still didn’t see results with girls. Yes, the number of girls approaching me increased slightly, but none wanted to be with me for a long-term relationship. That missing ingredient is called “power,” and although briefly mentioned in those courses, videos, books, etc., it was never sufficiently well explained to understand why I wasn’t achieving results. My problem was that my balance between warmth and power was enormously unbalanced. I was completely warm with people, but I didn’t have a clue about power dynamics (what Lucio would call “The King’s Servant). I ended up in the “good guy” category, a good guy who wanted to be bad and wanted to treat women poorly to see if he got results, but whose moral values never allowed him to do anything that would hurt or could hurt another person, even if it meant remaining alone (which, far from making me feel good or proud at the moment, it only increased my self-hate). I wanted to remain good, but being good got me nowhere. Adding to that, due to my upbringing, I developed an anxious attachment style (something I also hated for a long time because, objectively speaking, it’s certainly easier for an avoidant man to have more power in a relationship thanks to his natural tendency to fear emotional closeness and natural behavior to protect his independence; quick note: I think that behavior is far from perfect but from what I’ve seen at least they get more results with girls). I have been always considered too clingy and dependent.
Many girls who felt initial attraction to me after a while wanted me to stay in their lives, but never as their partner, only as a good friend. When I turned 20, I found my first partner. This girl was incredibly attracted to me at first, but as soon as I started prioritizing her and seeking closeness, when I set aside my power to be “truly myself,” she began to lose attraction and started to disrespect me. At some point along that path, I came across TPM, and I must say it was a pleasant surprise after years of stagnation.
Human beings are very complex, and because of this, it’s unlikely that a single teacher will “save” you from your social and/or romantic situation. But for me, the person who has influenced my life for the better the most is Lucio. Since I started this journey, I’ve been gathering bits of knowledge from each person that has contributed to who I am, but there have been two things that have totally changed my social life, and for me, both are equally important. The first would take a long time to explain and is more about inner work and pure reflection, but in terms of knowledge, if I had to erase those eight years and start over, I’d like it to be with the knowledge Lucio provides. Seduction University was the last course I bought a long time ago, and Power University will probably be the last course I’ll buy (for several years). I bought Seduction University quite some time ago (about two or three years) and am still learning; I’m just over 73% through the course. This amount of time might surprise many, but those who seek lasting changes in themselves and who are truly committed to deeply learning and integrating everything there until it becomes second nature, know it will likely take several months and probably years.
Having knowledge is not a magic cure; knowing something doesn't make you good at it. Changing deep aspects of one's identity is not as easy as many people seem to forget; it's slow, very slow, and also requires conscious and constant effort. The path of personal growth is not easy, but personally I don't expect it to be. It may take me several years of practice to consolidate all that knowledge, but I know with absolute certainty that it will be a great investment for my future. Going back to the main point, in my opinion, Seduction University and very likely Power University will give you much more value than what you'd get from a more well-known person's course, and at an incredibly affordable price. I know this, because I've been consuming content from many authors for 8 years (every day, each day of the past 8 years without fail). Honestly, I'm fortunate that it is priced so affordably. To be completely honest with you I don't earn much money, and, in my country, there is not much economic prosperity, there is significant inequality, and for me, paying for a course in dollars is comparatively much more expensive than for people who earn in dollars or other stronger currencies. And still, I believe it's totally worth investing in these courses.
One important thing I've learned over the years is that there are things your mind will not be ready to understand, and the good thing about that is as long as you commit to your learning, you will keep growing and progressing, and at some point when you revisit the material, you might understand those things you didn't “grasp” initially, or you might achieve more advanced things that your novice self couldn't properly do the first time you went through the material. You'll pay a price for one of these courses the day you decide to buy it (if you decide to do so), but the truth is that by the time you truly learn everything, so much time will have passed that, if you look at it from a very distant perspective (all the required time for you to really learn), you'll find that the benefits you will get will be arguably greater than those that Lucio and his team will have gotten. Another thing to keep in mind is that either Seduction University or Power University, if used well, will likely help you achieve more economic prosperity; on the other hand, Lucio makes sure to improve the course content, which guarantees even more growth over time. For me this justifies the annual payment to access the material again, which brings me to the next point: Lucio gives you a full year to access the learning material, and if you want to keep having access, he significantly reduces the price (probably in gratitude to those who trusted him and decided to buy the course). Also, keep in mind what I said about how it's very likely that the second or third time you take the course, you'll probably learn new things you were not prepared for before. Finally, it's a price that, in my opinion, supports all his work. He has spent a lot of time and effort reading books, articles, reviewing courses, making videos, writing in his blog, and much more, all for free. Even if you decided not to buy any of his courses, believe me, just by reading his articles, watching his videos, and reading the book reviews he recommends for specific issues, you'd already be avoiding wasting time on reading useless or unnecessarily complex things. For my part, I'm glad he was able to provide me with a way out of the stagnation I had; I really like that he also considers people who are looking for a stable relationship and not just those seeking to have more sexual partners (which is also very valid and respectable); I like that he teaches the "general rules and mindsets," allowing for personality flexibility since that way I don't feel compelled to be (or rather pretend to be) a very energetic and super sociable person to achieve good results with girls; I like that he is a person who does not seek or promote the use of the knowledge he has to harm people but focuses on teaching how to generate relationships that promote a win-win dynamic. Since I started to consume his content, my life has changed quite a bit. I definitely feel more respected, and all my relationships have improved on all levels, romantically, although I have not yet found a person with whom there has been enough compatibility to want to have that person as a stable partner, and I still have much to improve, I definitely feel that I have become more attractive to people. In my last job, considering there weren't many staff members (about 30-35 workers including supervisors and the manager), I ended up being (romantically/sexually) liked by 14 people (8 women, 6 men), and in that job, I dated my second partner. I still make many mistakes, and there are deeper issues that require professional help, but the truth is that my life has undoubtedly improved a lot. I am a person who really takes the time to learn and truly integrate into myself what I have learned, and it has taken me years to consolidate the knowledge in Seduction University. As I said before, I haven't finished it, and it will probably take me many more months (maybe years) to consolidate the information there and what I still have not read yet in the course (not to mention the hyperlinks he provides to dig really deep in some topics). I want to improve even more in my life, and that’s why I decided to buy Power University. From lesson one, I already started finding very valuable knowledge; I haven't gone far into the course, and it would be dishonest to give my opinion, but I feel that, like Seduction University, Power University will also be very worthwhile. The book "Ultimate Power" also has hidden gems (at the moment, I am reflecting a lot on what it explains about cultivating an antifragile ego). I decided not to buy more courses or books because it will probably take me more than a year to consume all the content and much longer to make it my second nature. Although I like to diversify my knowledge and will continue learning about synergistic topics about personal growth, I would like to prioritize finishing both courses (at least "the reading part" the "superficial effort part"), besides dedicating the rest of my efforts to deep-reflective inner work, developing a physique that I feel happy with, and creating my own business that will allow me to help more people and animals in the future.
I hope the knowledge you find in any of TPM’s resources changes your life as much as it changed mine. Of course, it’s important to learn from different people and not become obsessed with a single philosophy. There are things you won’t find in Lucio’s material that could be very useful in your life and your specific problems/challenges, and you shouldn’t overlook them. Additionally, learning from different people with different perspectives will help you be more flexible and have a better chance of achieving the things you want in life. Find someone who shares their knowledge with you and who makes you reflect, and when you notice that that person starts repeating ideas, it's time to move on and look for new people who can help you out of your stagnation. Remember, every piece is important along the way, and it's important to be grateful to every person you meet because everyone has a valuable lesson to teach you (especially when that person has a different perspective than yours).
I'll probably spend many more years learning from Lucio until I finish integrating the knowledge he offers (although as he will most likely keep adding more content and learning things on his own, I will surely visit his blog or YouTube channel from time to time like visiting an old and dear friend and teacher whom I admire and respect).
I would like to make a final mention to John from customer service. He is a charming person and attended to me very well every time I contacted customer service. It feels like talking to a good friend; the service is fast, he is respectful, he has manners, and from start to finish he was very attentive in keeping his word every time he told me he would respond within a certain time frame. You can't really get to know a person in customer service, but from all the times I talked to him, he seemed competent, warm, and generous. John deserves a raise; he’s a really great guy :)

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I had this idea for a text quote tattoo that goes up my arm across my collarbones and down my other arm a bit like the arrows from avatar the last airbender but i wanted the text across my collarbones to be white so it wasn’t too bright. Looking into it i cant figure out if that would even be possible— a black to white gradient tattoo and was wondering if a lighter brown text could give a similar effect?
The goal is for it to be present but not super noticeable unless you look closely

So Lawrence himself (J. Michael Tatum) is coming to a convention near me soon. I would like to get my collectors edition of Spice and Wolf signed.
Small problem: I’ve never been to a convention before and am quite socially anxious. So I know where and when to lineup at the autograph tables but I have no clue what the procedure is with these things.
I assume I shake the man’s hand, say I’m a big fan of his work, put the page in front of him, hand him a writing device or he’ll use the ones he has on hand and then he’ll ask me what I want him to write, and how big?
Issue is I have no clue what I would want him to write and it feels wrong to say “whatever you want”, some ideas from here relevant to the show would be nice, and is it the default to have the signature dated or would I have to specifically request that?
Additionally I’m worried that using a sharpie would bleed through the pages even though they are relatively high quality, not sure I should be concerned about that but maybe I should bring a pen instead?
I wasn’t sure where I could get these questions and concerns answered in any meaningful way so I came here. Sorry for the trouble, it’s been a whirlwind of seemingly meaningless frivolous concerns in my head for the last few days. So much so that it’s even putting me off going entirely regardless of how close to the convention I live.

Throwaway because my partner follows my other account. tLDR at the bottom of the post. I do not give permission or consent for this post to be read, processed, or disseminated through any programs for the purpose of reproduction or content production.
Let it live and die here, please.
TWs: Suicidal Ideation and Active Planning
Easy Background Information I am a 24 y/o guy who has struggled with mental health my entire life. I've experienced passive suicidal ideation (SI) since I was 8 years old. My fiancée is a 25 year old woman who has also struggled with mental health most of her life due to an early trauma at the age of 3. She manages her schizophrenia and bipolar disorder with medication, but she is not currently in therapy.
The two of us are on waiting lists for sliding scale options in our area (US) and I am currently unemployed. I'll call my fiancée Eleanor (fake name) for the purposes of this post and will not be sharing detailed information about our history of trauma aside from giving the basic idea around those traumas when relevant to ensure anonymity.
The Complex Stuff - I edited this down... Four years ago I was kicked out of my mother's house during a depressive episode because I was not looking for work. During this time, I couch surfed between friends who had the space to house me for a few days at a time. One of those people was my boyfriend (Zack, 24) at the time, he had a girlfriend he wanted to introduce me to and I was interested in meeting Eleanor at the time, so I agreed. He set up the meeting and made sure that the two of us had one anothers Snapchats.
We began messaging every day and quickly became emotionally involved. As Zack, Eleanor, and myself are all polyamorous, we spoke about boundaries that everyone wanted to set and we were off to the races. Out first meeting was life changing for me. I had just been informed that my mother had let my 3 pets starve (they had all the supplies they needed for multiple months) and she had sent me a text on the day of our meeting to tell me they had died.
Needless to say that I was not doing well that day, but the meeting went fantastic. Our conversations flowed as well in person as they had over Snapchat and I know that I have a tendency to fall fast, so I tend to wait to reveal the intensity of my feelings of at all. After just a few weeks, it was early 2020 and lockdown began.
Eleanor was living in a college dorm at the time and offered her extra space to me. This extra space was a place in her bed and permission to share her private one bedroom dorm. I was adamant that it was a bad idea but the alternative was that I sleep in my car and not see her because she is immunocompromised and she said would have had to distance herself from me for safety. This decision was complicated by the fact that we were already in love with one another by this point, but we hadn't said it.
She insisted that it was the best option because she is considered a ward of the state and they couldn't kick her out of her dorm the way they were doing to everyone else. Her trauma at age 3 resulted in some odd privileges while in college and that was one of them. So, while many people were scrambling to find a place to go when the school told everyone they had to leave, Eleanor was cool, calm, and collected.
I moved in and she and I have been together since. I've even proposed. Now, here's the rub.
During this early stage in our relationship, I was homeless, severely mentally ill (unmedicated without therapy), and I was grieving both my pets and my relationship with my parents. I was experiencing SI every day without fail and I was confiding in Eleanor at her request. Our conversations got heavy and I expressed thoughts and feelings I hadn't shared with anyone else and she did the same. It was the start of a trauma bond.
The conversation that this whole situation pivots on is that Eleanor was asking about what it would take for us to become official. I told her that I didn't think it'd be a good idea since I would have to find somewhere to go once the school year ended and she would go to her dad's house in a different state. She said that she'd ask her dad if I could come with her and if he said no, she'd stay with me.
At 20, I thought this was insane (I still do.) but incredibly romantic and when her dad said no, she stayed with me. She was then (rightfully) devastated when I said that we couldn't officially date and asked me why. This conversation happened in the early morning and I should have slept instead of running my stupid fucking mouth.
I told her that I have desired to take my own life since I was 12, that I believe that that is how my life will end and I don't want to add another person that will be affected when it happens. I told her that my best friend took his own life when I was 16 and while I experienced the devastation first hand and watched our shared friends and his family grieve, I don't want to live until I naturally pass.
I told her that I think she's fantastic and she had lost her sister to a heroine overdose less than 8 months before this conversation, so I didn't want what I know I'm going to do, to be a part of her future history of trauma. She listened intently, leaning forward the whole time, I remember the image because it felt like she should've run away and her closeness was so comforting.
I didn't say it to simply hurt her, we had just told each other so many harsh truths that we hadn't shared with others that I trusted her with this deeply fucked up truth of mine. She said that was okay and that she understood while crying and kissed me. I knew the whole thing was bad when it happened, but with 4 years under our belt and a ring on her finger, I'm seeing the effects.
I'm currently suicidal and have been actively planning for nearly a year, I hid it for 9 months and finally told her about 3 months ago. She was devastated, but not for the reasons I thought. Today we had a longer conversation and she said that she wanted to fix it (which I expected) and then she said that she wished I hadn't hid it for so long. She said that she knows that I'll take my life at some point but she doesn't want to be surprised by it.
She revealed to me that she doesn't regret my telling her that I will take my own life someday, because it let her know that she needs to cherish every moment with me because she may not have a long time with me. I asked if she thought 4 years was a long time. She said yes, but that it also "feels like I met you yesterday." She broke down crying and said that thinking about losing me breaks her heart.
She said she doesn't think about that conversation every day or even very often, but she expressed feeling that when I take my life that no one will love her. That she'll never move on or "get over me". That she didn't feel cared for before me. That she feels like I'm the only person who knows her.
I realize now that she was already in love with me during that fateful conversation 4 years ago, we were both 20 and mentally ill. I feel I have inflicted a deep trauma on her and will in the future as well. I feel that becoming her first real love (her words) has forever tainted how she will experience and see love. I feel that I've ruined her ability to be happy when I'm gone.
She disabled and I'm her caregiver and medical advocate during appointments. I realize now that I took on all of these roles and she didn't learn how to fill them herself and while she says that her "life was going nowhere fast" and she "didn't know how to be happy, I think those are the thoughts of someone experiencing cognitive dissonance and my role in her life likely has done more damage than I ever realized before today.
Is there any way to undo the damage I've done and keep our future marriage intact? I'm currently seeking help for my SI and mental health issues to properly heal and hopefully manage the SI and mood swings I've been experiencing that have made things harder recently.
We plan to go to marriage counseling, focusing on the Gottman method and do not have a date set for our wedding because of my admission of suicidal ideation. I don't feel at all comfortable vowing to love them forever, feeling so confident in this belief that I will take my own life someday.
TLDR; I told my partner 4 years ago that I plan to take my own life someday and that I would not date her unless she understood and accepted that. I think it was traumatic, deeply messed up, and unintentionally coercive since she already had feelings for me during the conversation.
I want to undo the damage to their possible image of relationships, trust in themselves, and have active steps to move forward and support them as a healthy partner instead of perpetuating any of the beliefs that they have about themselves or their possible future aftewithout me. Whether that future is triggered by my death or the natural end of our relationship.