Chapter 5
Lacy opened her eyes and saw flashing colorful lights. She heard carnival music playing from loudspeakers. She wondered to herself what this place was walking around. She saw multiple vendor stands and carnival games. Everything looked abandoned, food dropped on the floor and chairs flipped. She continued walking, finding a carnival ride. It was one of the droppers. Lacy had memories with her mother going on these kinds of rides. She pushed on following the stands until she stumbled upon a circus tent. She stepped inside and saw a man. The man was very tall and was standing in the middle of the tent. The man turned around and the lights to the tent turned on revealing that the man was a clown on stilts. The clown had a white face with a red nose. His hair was red and was split in two making it look like he had horns. He had on an oversized shirt that looked like multiple blue and red shirts stitched together. His pants were baggy and had obvious blood stains. The stilts made him about ten feet tall. The clown wore a frown on his face, giving Lacy a sense of uncertainty. “What's your name little girl, I have all sorts of tricks that can make you laugh.” The clown's voice was goofy and lighthearted compared to the frown on its face that it kept. “Ah come on, don't be shy. We can still have fun. Not like all of the other’s who left.” Lacy noticed a man lying in a pool of blood next to the clown. He was wearing ringmaster attire. The clown noticed that Lacy saw the body. “He didn’t laugh. Just like the others.” The clown's voice had changed. He now sounded like an older man who had given up on feeling joy. “Did you kill that man?” Lacy asked, already knowing the answer. “No. I released him. He didn’t laugh. He had no joy. So I released him.” Lacy began to back off, gripping her knife. The clown revealed a sword it was holding behind his back. It had blood on it. “I’ll release you too”. The clown began stepping towards her, laughing while doing so. “God Dammit not again” Lacy ran throughout the carnival grounds with the clown closely behind her. She noticed a security trailer. She got to the door and it was locked. Hearing the laughter getting closer. She slammed her body into the door until it finally broke open. The laughter ceased. Lacy looked around the office not seeing anything special. Until she saw a tape recorder.
Chapter 6
Lacy grabbed the recorder. “Who would even have time to make these?”
This is Professor Crawdord. I have managed to survive in this obscure world for what feels like multiple days. This new threat, the clown on stilts seems to be less of a problem than he looks. He’s slow compared to other things I have faced. I discovered evidence as to who this person is. His name is Daniel Larson. He worked at the circus for most of his life. One could only imagine the mind of someone who is laughed at all day for most of their lives. On an unfortunate day Larson snapped and murdered a man on the fairgrounds. The man was another attraction. His specialty was swallowing swords and evidence showed that Larson used the sword to kill him. Larson continued killing, focusing on people that would not laugh at his jokes. The Ringmaster called showtime and at the start of the show Larson told him a joke in front of the audience and when the Ringmaster did not respond Larson killed him. The audience rushed out and as the police showed up Larson had disappeared. Upon searching his trailer they found pictures of other unsolved murders in the area. Larson was never caught. I have not figured out exactly what the holes are but I feel that Larson has to be connected somehow. These holes have a requirement to open. A death must take place for them to appear.
Lacy set the tape recorder down understanding now what had to happen. Lacy looked at the knife in her hand. “He’s a murderer. He’s hurt people. I'd be doing the world a favor.” Lacy opened the trailer door and followed the laughter leading to the circus tent.
Chapter 6
Lacy reached the entrance to the tent, peering inside she saw Larson standing over the ringmaster's body. Lacy moved underneath the stands. Larson turned towards the entrance and began walking around the tent. “I know you're here child.” Lacy ran throughout the underside of the stands. Trying to find an angle to see Larson and which direction he was facing. Lacy could see Larson was searching for her. The stilts made him move slow enough for her to sneak up on him easily. Slowly moving throughout the tent, Lacy got close enough behind Larson to hear him mumbling something to himself. Running towards Larson she kicked the stilts causing him to fall to the ground. Lacy took the opportunity to stab the clown in the shoulder. Larson kicked Lacy away and swept the sword in her direction, cutting her on the leg. Lacy turned to run towards the opening of the tent, but Larson grabbed her foot and lifted the sword. “You’ll pay like they did.” Lacy kicked Larson in the face, got up and ran to leave the tent. “DON’T LEAVE! YOU HAVEN'T LAUGHED YET!” Lacy could hear Larson limping behind her, now off the stilts. She ran until she could no longer hear Larson behind her. “The dropper, I can distract him with the dropper.” Lacy avoided Larson, eventually making her way to the dropper. She didn’t know how to work the machine so she had to guess until she got it right. “Come on, you stupid machine.” Pressing multiple buttons, Lacy could hear the laughter of Larson creeping slowly towards her. Finally the ride shot up into the sky. Larson stepped onto the platform of the dropper. “I found you, please stop. I'll lose everything if you don't laugh.” Lacy took notice of the dropper rushing towards the ground. Just as Larson swiped his sword down at Lacy, she dodged out of the way. As Larson tried to get his footing back, she pushed him under the dropper. The machine crushed him ending the vile man’s savage slaughter. Lacy turned around to see at the bottom of the platform a hole had appeared. “Please, let me go home.” Lacy stepped through the hole, once again blacking out.
Chapter 7
Lacy awoke to a wooded area. She noticed a sign that said “The Weeping Woods”. “Where am I? Am I home?” Standing up she followed a trail marked that led to a camping area. She saw multiple benches and what seemed like a campfire that was put out. She continued along the path seeing a fire watch tower in the distance. “Maybe that place has people”. Continuing to the tower she could hear someone crying from a distance. Lacy kept pushing on the trail until she reached the bottom of the watch tower. The stairs felt endless as Lacy could hear the hissing of a radio coming from the room on top.She noticed that one of the stairs as well as the railing was damaged. Lacy skipped that step in fear of it breaking. Reaching the top everything felt nauseatingly small. She could see a light moving in the distance. The light moved erratically as if it was a person holding a flashlight, running away from something. Lacy turned to the watch room and noticed that the lights were on and someone was trying to reach the radio in the room. Pulling open the door she walked up to the radio and as she tried to contact the person on the other side, the radio shut off. Turning to examine the rest of the room Lacy noticed another tape recorder. Grabbing the recorder she pressed play.
I managed to kill the smiling man. I don’t know what it has done to me emotionally. It seemed so easy at the time. I told myself that the man was a beast. Anyway, I awoke in a forest, I found a path and followed it until I found a woman. The woman was sitting in the middle of the path. She was wearing a white dress that was covered in dirt. I could not see her face, but I could hear her. She was crying and her body looked frail. As I got closer I noticed her hair was long enough to cover her entire face. She asked me a question. “Have you seen Kevin?” I had no answer. Fear took over every part of my body. I could feel my muscles start to ache at the thought of having to run from this girl. A loud growl came from the girl. It shaked my very soul. I managed to escape to her. I made my way to the watch room where I will rest for a while. To whoever finds this tape, you know what you have to do.
Lacy put the recorder down. Looking out of the window she saw the light continue to move in the forest before it stopped. As Lacy turned to leave the watch room. The light disappeared.
Chapter 8
Walking along the path that the light she saw was on, Lacy couldn't help but see the image of the girl the Crawford had described in her head. Looking at the knife she still had, she knew there was only one way to get out of this forest. Along the trail Lacy found the light source that she had seen. It belonged to a man that was lying still on the floor. His flashlight was still on. “Hey, are you alright?” Lacy asked the body. Turning the body over Lacy stepped back in horror. The man's body was pale and looked shriveled. Lacy brushed the fear off and picked up his flashlight. As Lacy picked it up she heard a voice from behind her. “Have you seen Kevin?” Fear erupted in Lacy as the words were familiar to her. Remembering the recorder she slowly stood up before turning around to face the being. The girl was exactly as described in the tape. Except for one detail. She had a wedding veil on. “I don’t know who Kevin is, I'm sorry” Lacy said the first thing that came to her mind, instantly regretting it. The girl opened her mouth at an angle that rivaled pythons. A ghastly wail rang out of her mouth, ringing Lacys ears. Without hesitation Lacy plunged the knife into the girl's neck. Pulling it out the wailing did not cease. It didn't affect her. Lacy turned to run, almost tripping over the body of the man. As Lacy was running the girl was on all fours crawling towards her at a faster pace than any normal person could crawl. She looked like an animal. Lacy noticed that the girl was no longer screaming, but was crying. The tears were blood red and she looked sympathetic to Lacy. Running past the trees Lacy looked for an answer to the problem that was crawling behind her. Trying to listen over the sound of her own breathing and the crying of the girl behind her, she heard the sound of a river flowing in the distance. Running towards the sound of the river, Lacy tripped over a log tumbling to the ground. Almost in an instant the girl climbed on top of her. Her eyes met Lacy as her mouth opened in the same disgusting manner that it had before and just as her mouth opened the same way as it had before, the same sound erupted as well. Lacy felt her blood boil at the sound, feeling her life leaving her body. In a final attempt to free herself she freed her hand and stuck the knife directly into the girl's mouth. The girl’s scream stopped and turned into a painful yelp rather than an angry roar. Lacy used the moment to kick the girl off of her and got up to run. As she began to run the girl grabbed her leg, piercing her skin with her nails. Lacy pushed through and kept running. As Lacy was running she turned her head around to see the girl just sitting there, crying. Lacy got a fair distance away and began walking to regain strength. Finally making it to the river, she stopped to drink. Lacy made a sudden realization. She wasn't thirsty. After everything she had been through she was not thirsty at all. Not only was she not thirsty, but she was not hungry either. “I have to come up with a plan”. Lacy understood the rules of this strange place. Something has to die in order for one of those holes to appear. “But I saw that guy's body, why wasn’t there a hole there? No, these beings, Larson, The Smiling Man, This girl, they don’t get to leave. That’s why Crawford said you know what you have to do. The holes appear when the beings in these places die. The girl has to die for a hole to appear.” Lacy was talking outloud, it made her feel less alone. As Lacy was washing the blood off of her she looked into the river. She could see the moon in the reflection as well as her face. Looking into her eyes she noticed a drop hit the river. Looking at the other side of the river. She saw the girl crouching down, looking directly at Lacy with her blood red eyes.
Chapter 9
The river wasn’t wide. It would take the girl less than 5 seconds to cross. Lacy had to think fast. Her mind was racing as the girl just sat there and watched her. An idea popped into her head. The watchtower. Almost supernaturally, as Lacy had the idea the girl lounged towards her. Lacy dodged out of the way and broke into a sprint hearing the girl crying and crawling after her. After what felt like hours of running and having this thing chase after her, she made it to the tower. The girl was crawling after her, looking like an alligator chasing its prey. Stepping onto the steps Lacy felt her legs start to give up. She pushed on, her muscles burning. Turning her head she saw the girl crawling up the stairs. Lacy’s heart was racing as her body needed to rest or it would shut down. “Where is Kevin?” The girl screamed for the first time since she had begun chasing Lacy. Lacy could feel her body giving up and just as she passed the broken step, her legs collapsed. Lacy layed on the steps as the girl crawled up the steps towards her. The girl was crawling slower now that she had seen Lacy was on the ground. Lacy continued backing up on the stairs. Just as the girl was about to lounge at Lacy she put her hand on the broken step. Seeing this Lacy kicked the broken step causing it to break. The girl lost her footing and Lacy pushed her off of the balcony. The girl fell from the immense height of the tower. Lacy took the moment to just lay on the steps. Hours passed as Lacy rested. She mustered up enough strength to go down the stairs. At the bottom of the tower she found the body of the girl. She looked as if all of her bones were broken. Her eyes were open and Lacy could see the blood pooling in them. Lacy became nauseous at the sight of her body. Looking to the left she saw a hole. A hole that was all too familiar with her. Lacy collected her thoughts. “This has to end” Stepping through the hole, only one thing was in her mind. This has to end.
Chapter 10
Lacy woke up to the sound of snow falling. The room that she was in was warm. A fire was crackling in the corner of the room. Looking out of the window of the house she saw a massive snow storm that affected her vision to see past the tree line. Lacy examined her surroundings and saw a normal looking room. In the middle was a couch. Just looking at the couch made Lacy tired. Walking around the cabin she noticed the room looked untouched, unlike every other place she had been in. Sitting down on the couch Lacy's eyes became heavy as she began to fall asleep. Just as she was about to pass out a loud bugle of an elk erupted. Lacy ran to the window to see where it was. As she looked outside it seemed as if the storm had stopped for just a second. As the snow ceased, an elk poked through the tree line. Its eyes were looking directly at Lacy. Just as fast as it disappeared, the snow storm erupted. “You’re a failure Lacy.” A voice swept through the cabin. It sounded familiar. “You killed her you know” Lacy placed the voice. It was her father. Lacy’s mind was racing. How did he get here? Why was he saying this? Where was he? And her last thought, Was this really him? The elk bugle rang throughout the cabin again. “I pitied you” The voice was Collin. Lacy searched the windows of the house trying to find the origin of the voices she was hearing. “Everyone hates you” Lacy stepped towards the door reaching for the handle. A sudden and intense fear brushed over her. Lacy felt that if she opened that door, whatever was telling her these things would take her life. Stepping away from the door she heard the Elk bugle again. “Why did you leave me Lacy?” The voice was her father again. This time it sounded as if he was crying. “I told you I needed you and you left. After everything I sacrificed for you, after all of the times I had to go to that school to bail you out. This is how you repay me.” Lacy could feel her emotions boiling inside of her. Everything that was being said was true in a sense so Lacy was letting it affect her more than anything else ever had. She could feel tears running down her face. “I'm trying to get back to you dad, I just don't know how.” Lacy looked towards the window and saw the Elk. It had gotten closer to the cabin. The snow had calmed down. The Elk opened its mouth and spoke in the voice of her father. “You won’t make it out of this place alive Lacy”.
Chapter 11
Looking into the eyes of the Elk, Lacy’s blood ran cold. Her mind was racing. Animals can’t talk but yet this Elk just looked her in the eyes and spoke in the voice of her father as well as other people she knew. The snow had ceased tremendously compared to when she had first appeared in the cabin. Lacy worked up the courage to ask the Elk a question. “What do you want from me?” The Elk did not reply, instead it turned to the tree line and left. Remembering the rules of this place, Lacy understood that the Elk had to die. The question was how she was going to accomplish that. Lacy gathered enough courage to open the door to examine her surroundings. Outside of the cabin was a blanket of blinding snow. The sun was high in the sky blinding Lacy. Before Lacy went back inside she noticed a wooden stump sticking out of the snow. Sticking out of the stump was an axe. Lacy slammed the door shut and closed the latch. Lacy knew that the dull kitchen knife she had wouldn’t be able to handle an elk, but an axe would. Lacy began to plan a way to get to the Elk. She took notice of certain aspects that the Elk had. Every time it made the bugle noise, it would change voices. The closer it got, the more the snowstorm would calm. Lacy had to play its game until it got close enough to the axe so that she could reach the axe before it could reach her. The elk bugle sounded again. “You really think that anyone thought you could accomplish anything.”. It was her teacher. Lacy peered out of the window. The snow had ceased ever so slightly. Lacy could see the silhouette of the elk near the same spot it was in before. “What do you think, we cared about you? We pitied you and your pitiful existence.” Lacy began to brush off the sentences coming from the elk's mouth. Lacy was contemplating if the axe play was the way to move further. The bugle went off again. “Lacy” the voice was the smiling man. The smiling man was a recent memory to Lacy. This elk had to know who she was to be able to know who he was. Lacy looked out of the window. The elk was watching her. This time Lacy saw it make the awful sound she had continued to hear. Instead of a voice she had heard. It was a voice that was unfamiliar to her. “Why fight it child. Why fight what you truly are. Why fight human nature? Why fight reality? Do you truly think you can escape? Do you truly believe that you will see your father again? Do you believe that you have people to rely on in this place? Do you truly believe that God is with you here? You have no chance. Smite me down if you must. HOPE SHOULD BE ABANDONED IN THIS PLACE” Lacy brushed off every word that was said. Rushing to the door she threw it open. Running through the snow. She reached the axe. It was a standard fire axe with a yellow handle and black blade. It wasn't heavy to her, it had to be adrenaline. Rushing towards the elk it did not fight back. She plunged the axe head into the elk's skull. Blood rushed out of the wound, covering Lacy. The elk fell to the floor with a booming thud. As Lacy stared at the body of the animal lying in the snow, a hole appeared behind her. Lacy had to believe that there was an end to this. She stepped through the hole. With a new found axe.

Hey everyone,
I've had to do this whole post again (absolutely gutted) as the draft function let me down so sorry if I skip through a bit quicker...
Another day, another set of memes to look through. As always, you can catch my previous day round ups below:
13th May
14th May
15th May
To reiterate, the description of each tweet is to the best of my knowledge the references made to allow you to make your own view in context and the speculation is pure speculation on my part. If you just want to look at the descriptions and not the speculation then just ignore the speculation part.
This is just for fun and shouldn't be taken as any financial advice, make your own decisions, I just like the stock.
If you have anything to add feel free to in the comments.
Let's begin:
10am - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791106334517010680
Description: First we have Jigsaw from Saw, "Hello, Do you want to play a game?", it then cuts to The Prestige with the quote "are you watching closely?" and then it cuts to Lucky Number Slevin talking about the Kansas city shuffle and finally it's Nas with Made you look.
Speculation: Jigsaw used to capture people who were not looking to live their life and play games with them to show them that they actually do care about their lives in the end. Maybe DFV is referring to shorts desperately trying to get out of their position and showing they will do whatever it takes to do it. The Prestige quote comes from the scene here and shows a magic trick of money appearing. The Kansas City Shuffle is "In order for a confidence game to be a "Kansas City Shuffle", the mark must be aware, or at least suspect that he is involved in a con, but also be wrong about how the con artist is planning to deceive him. The con artist will attempt to misdirect the mark in a way that leaves him with the impression that he has figured out the game and has the knowledge necessary to outsmart the con artist, but by attempting to retaliate, the mark unwittingly performs an action that helps the con artist to further the scheme" and the Made you Look songs full line is "They shootin', Aw made you look" maybe referring to what is happening to the stock right now.
10.15am - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791110102797172804
Description: Here we have a scene from Kill Bill where the bride is about to take on the crazy 88 gang and the music Nobody but Me by The Human Beinz.
Speculation: On the theme of ultimate revenge, The Bride in Kill Bill was on a mission to well.. kill bill. Lots of to go through in order to get to the final boss and the song is maybe making a point that Nobody but DFV could have seen this coming or maybe he is saying RCEO can do it
10.30am - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791113879684325383
Description: This is taken from Inside Man, i think it's the opening scene and has the music Chaiyya Chaiyya, also taken from the original clip. DFV has imposed a cat looking over and listening to the monologue which reads "Pay strict attention to what I say because I choose my words carefully and I never repeat myself".
Speculation: Inside man is about an elaborate heist turned hostage movie on Wall Street. Don't think there is much more to say about that other than GME is most likely the hostage in this situation.
10.45am - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791117652276195516
Description: The first part of this meme is taken from The Office and Michael pulls up in a car with Lady Gaga - Let's Dance playing and states "it's Britney Bitch". We then cut to Britney Spears in her music video Hit Me Baby One More Time and the part "give me a sign" has the movie logo for Signs on it (much more of that to come)
Speculation: First part is a joke from DFV keeping the just dance theme going but then we go to hit me baby one more time and most importantly a reference to a "Just give me a sign". There are signs coming that something big is going to happen.
11am - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791121430836584789
Description: This is the intro to Goosebumps and follows a lot of the original clips theme, you can watch that here. Some key changes that have been made though, R.K Gill is on the briefcase, something has definitely been edited with the man's head holding the briefcase, the billboard shows a morph to Ryan Cohen, Ryan's dog is brought in and then it's "Bear Beware" and "Goosebumps, based on the memes by R.K Gill"
Speculation: This is a really fun meme, we see some more of RC and Roaring Kitty Gill all over this. Is there a partnership or does DFV just know that RCEO is about to do something big that will send goosebumps down the bears necks.
11.15am - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791125203147428066
Description: Next we have Broad City and the song Best Friend by Sofi Tukker. The meme basically just has lots of scenes around new york with friends just doing a lot of dancing. Just a fun meme of dancing really and a lot of it centers around the two best friends the sitcom is about.
Speculation: DFV and RCEO are best pals and with everything that is going on with the stock they are just dancing and having a great time. Essentially owning New York which of course is where the finance bros hang out.
11.30am - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791128976632459643
Description: The first scene is taken from Devil Wears Prada with the models hanging out in New York for a shoot and the song Crazy by Seal plays with the lyrics "we're never gonna survive, unless we get a little crazy" it cuts to the official music video then back to Devil wears Prada where they say "oh i get it, the piece is called urban jungle right?", "yes the modern investor unleashes the animal within to take on the big city" Roarrr
Speculation: Another meme from New York with predominantly girls hanging out. DFV maybe noting that we all unleash a little roaring kitty by taking on his thesis with Gamestop, dunno about you but I just like the stock. Things might get a little crazy, at least to people on the outside when they are asking you why you aren't selling.
11.45am - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791132751976120778
Description: This scene is taken from the movie Signs and the Rev Graham here is woken and staring at something on the roof that spooks him.
Speculation: There will be many more references to this movie, in this case the Rev Graham (who weirdly looks like Ken G) is getting spooked at something he thought he saw. Scary stuff if you are short on GME.
12.00pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791136527801807077
Description: This is also taken from the movie Signs and it's a quote, "See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, that sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences?"
Speculation: Something big is coming, what kind of person are you? Is it possible there are no Cohencidences?
12.15pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791140301895352325
Description: Again from Signs, this shows the scene where the kid takes out his baby monitor and claims he can hear the aliens talking to each other. There's two of them talking he states and again we see the sign logo flash up. We then see an overlay of alien writing that isn't in the original clip so that's been dubbed on purposely.
Speculation: Things starting to get real interesting now. This looks to be a sign that something is happening behind the scenes. A baby monitor, what's RCEO got stored up? Maybe he is pregnant? Maybe GME is pregnant? Is there a merger happening? A split of some sort?
12.30pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791144075963298165
Description: This is the scene in Signs where they go to the crop fields and there are alien crop circles everywhere, only in this meme DFV has replaced those circles with GME logos. Many GME logos some with long running lines.
Speculation: Really looking like something big is on the horizon and DFV thinks he has seen the signs. This meme would suggest maybe its a merger with multiple gamestop logos but that's just my opinion. One thing for sure is that Gamestop has something on the horizon.
12.45pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791147851466047673
Description: This is the scene in Signs where the news start reporting sightings of aliens and they show a load of kids in a different country looking down an alley way only for an alien bearing Roaring Kitty as a face to walk by, scary stuff!
Speculation: This was actually the first scene from this film that made me realize i had seen the film before and a younger me was pretty freaked out by that scene. It could imply that they have landed, they are here and or DFV is at least. Certainly a they are coming sort of message.
1.00pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791151631259574559
Description: This is taken from the animated film Luca, where one kid says "what does it mean, the thing you just said?" and the other kid goes "Come on Ill show you more stuff"
Speculation: I think this is aimed at me writing this right now and whoever is reading this right now. Ultimately i have no idea what DFV is saying i can only speculate and DFV knows that, he can't outright say what he thinks but he can show us more and more cool memes.
1.15pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791155401091596494
Description: This is taken from 500 days of summer and DFV has changed a lot of the words here but essentially he is asked what he does and he says he makes Gamestop memes, the woman says he could be a really great investor if he wanted to be, he is asked why he went from being a great investor to making gamestop memes and he says "why make something disposable, like an investment thesis, when you can make something that lasts forever like a Gamestop meme"
Speculation: DFV having more meme lols here but really why would he need to do anymore investing, he already has his favourite company shares and the thesis is done, he knows what's going on and he is happy to stick with what he has. That doens't mean his thesis on Gamestop doesn't evolve, I just think he is done looking for other deep value plays.
1.30pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791159177785770273
Description: This is taken from The Shining and the song dubbed on is Matter of Time by Vandelux. The main protagonist and author in the movie, Jack is sat writing and it seems it is DFV and he is writing memes.
Speculation: Anyone that has seen The Shining knows that Jack goes to a secluded house with no distractions to write his book. Turns out it actually just makes him go completely mental and he ends up killing his family. I think DFV is just having some fun showcasing the time he has spent focusing on making Gamestop memes.
1.45pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791162950373527857
Description: We have Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See by Busta Rhymes and his music video. The lyrics he has chosen for this clip are emphasized and they are:
Flipmode Busta Bus (Uh, what?) Nine-seven (Come on, what?) Hot shit (Ha-hah) Check it out
Hit you with no delayin' so what you sayin', yo? (Uhh) Silly with my nine milli, what the deally, yo? (What?)
Do you really wanna party with me? Let me see (Uh) just what you got for me (Come on) Put all your hands where my eyes can see (Put 'em up, yo) Straight buckwildin' in the place to be (Wildin', nice, ha)
It then ends with If you really wanna party with Roaring Kitty
Speculation: More fun and dancing. Some interesting lyrics, Flipmode (reverse uno card anyone), Silly with my nine milli (could relate to shares, does RCEO have that much?) Could just be a fun meme without much else to it.
2:00pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791166726891061749
Description: This is taken from Sicario and it starts with the quote "so you wanna be a Sicario" and then shows the blonde reddit icon from the other sub tied up and then a guy looking pretty pissed off.
Speculation: The Sicarios were hitmen, that's basically what it means when it asks if you want to be a Sicario, do you want to be a hitman or assassin. The blonde icon from other sub tied up is in the place of a kid who was tied up in the film and certainly WAS NOT a friend of the Sicarios. Take from that what you will but I can't comment to much as it's about another sub.
2.15pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791170783277949042
Description: First we have a scene from No Country for Old Men with the quote "you can't stop what's comin" then we cut to a train tearing it up in Chicago and also taking out a double deck chair with a Chicago Bears logo on it then finally we go to a WWE smackdown with Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Speculation: No Country for Old Men has cropped up a few times before but it's about a killer who is pretty much unstoppable mowing these people down. The train wrecking Chicago and the Chicago Bears (as a Packers fan i liked that), well option contract writers are in Chicago I believe but also it's the original home of Citadel. The chair maybe is an answer to a Cramer tweet and the smackdown i'm not sure other than it being just a fun thing to watch.
2.30pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791174276604699013
Description: This is the music video for Punkrocker by Teddybears. It basically follows a man who is being chased by the police, the cops are coming but the guy seems pretty chill about it. He listens to the music with no fear and you can too. The words are in Gamestop white and red.
Speculation: I think that this could indicate that Gamestop isn't doing anything wrong with what's going to happen, they have warned again and again in their financial postings that the stock is being manipulated and is subject to squeezes. It could also indicate a GME investor has nothing to worry about legally either, just like the stock.
2.45pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791178049939182048
Description: This is taken from The School of Rock where Jack Black is trying to ask what it takes to rock out. If you wanna rock its not about scoring chicks, it's not about getting wasted, its about sticking it to the man, and you can't just say it man you gotta FEEL it it in your blood and guts.
Speculation: Only you can decide what sticking it to man means yourself in relation to having GME stock during a big squeeze event but for me personally it's been a long 3 and a half years of having crap tossed at me just for owning this stock and i certainly pissed with the amount of corruption and cheating that has and continues to go on. If shorts never closed and still have that position, that's their mess not mine.
3.00pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791181824754106742
Description: The main scene in this meme is taken from the film Stand By Me. You have two cars on both sides of the road. The good guy in this is driving on the wrong side of the road and the other gang are on the right side, it's a game of chicken with a truck coming towards the good guy as they both drive side by side. It then cuts to Bojack Horseman trying to do some comedy and being asked to get off stage, he states "I'm not done hold on" - it cuts back to the scene and the truck bails last second. The good guy just keeps on driving and goes in front of the other car having a victory sip.
Speculation: If you take DFV to be the good guy in this car scene then he just carries on with what he believes which is in GME regardless of trying to be chickened out of it in the face of adversity. You could also say he is Bojack and wanting to continue with his memes, he ain't done telling his memeroirs yet.
3.15pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791185600453783688
Description: This is taken from Everything Everywhere All At Once and shows a woman showcasing her awards, DFV has imposed some cat photos on her desk and also 3 awards that read

• DeepFuckingValue, Degen of the Month
  
• Roaring Kitty, 1st Cat in Congress
  
• Keith Gill, Best Ethics from the CFA institute (lol)
  

"The quote is Do you see these? You don't get one of these unless you've seen a lot of bullshit. Excuse my French. Now you may only see a pile of boring forms and numbers, but I see a story."
Speculation: DFV is a fucking dude, the guy has a meme trophy cabinet. To us or others we just don't quite see it like he does. If DFV thinks something big is going to happen you have the choice to believe it too or not, that's completely up to you. The awards are lol.
3.30pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791189376195854606
Description: The first scene is taken from Garden State, he asks her "what are you listening to", she goes "you gotta hear this one song" and you then hear Dont Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult and the opening lyric "all our times have come"
Speculation: Don't fear the reaper, if you hold GME you don't have to as it's not going bust. The company is not going to die. There are certainly some shorts that should be fearing the reaper though.
3.45pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791193149408223306
Description: This is a hilarious meme and i'm not sure where this is taken from but i'll try my best to describe it (really you should just watch it though). Two men are in a rich guys house, the host writes a note and then has to leave tearing the note off and taking it with him, the other sneaks up to the notepad, labelled Cohen, and tries to sketch the next page to work out what he wrote. What is revealed is a cartoon man with a huge dick.
Speculation: RCEO has a big slong, what else is there to say? Ok I think that he is going to do something big and it's an exciting thing to think about. Does make you think of the tweet of Steve Smith he posted with the erect penis too.
4.00pm - https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1791196925619789864
Description: A more recently made meme shows Jay Clayton talking about Roaring Kitty showing his first meme and saying "is this something that we should be tolerating in our markets, whether it's legal lalallull" then it goes to a clip of a guy saying "i mean what did he say fuck me for"
Speculation: DFV basically saying as we would say in the UK, "whatever mate". The guy is talking a load of bullshit and to bring up legality after all the stuff he has let slide as former SEC chairman, i mean bitch please!
Hope you enjoyed, still pissed i had to write this twice, my original had a lot more links to original clips and each Superstonk post as well! I'm off to bed, i'll update with the 8pm tweet tomorrow.
Love ya DFV x

Also on AOAIBetrayeds. is an online peer support group and safe space reserved for betrayed individuals who are considering, actively attempting to, or have reconciled after infidelity. If you feel you would benefit from a more private supportive sub for only betrayed people, message the mods at or send me a DM.
tl;dr's at the bottom.
From MY perspective.
Context: Me: 59m. Her: 55f. Married 33 years, together 36. WW had a full on EA bookended with multiple sexual PA's (1 in Dec, 2022 and 3 in Sept, 2023 (last 2 on Dday). She then pretended to go NC with AP for an additional 5 months which created Dday #2 in February. Read my story and updates using my profile for posts if you want to see background.
https://www.reddit.com/useDiscardbobulated/submitted/
UNDERSTANDING
Betrayal is destructive. Betrayal is debilitating. Betrayal is painful. It hurts not just our relationships, but our minds, our bodies, and our souls. It crushes us in ways we did not know we could be crushed.
It changes us. It changes our minds, our bodies, our outlooks on life, and so much more.
Betrayal steals from us. It steals our ability to trust. It steals our innocence. It steals our confidence, our self-esteem, and our calm. Betrayal steals our ability to feel joy.
You know what it does to us that is maybe the most egregious thing? It makes us feel like NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.
I have spent a lot of time on this sub and I have read a lot of stories of pain and suffering. I have also been the one in pain. The one suffering. I’m still hurting. I still suffer. The betrayed, like me, read books, listen to podcasts, watch videos, and read articles. And you know what most of them do, myself included? They SHARE these materials with their spouses.
WHY? I feel like a huge part of why they do it is to share the part of the writing/podcast/video that mirrors or somehow explains how they are feeling. They want their spouse to know what it is they are going through.
And why do they want to do that? Why is it so important? I think it is because the betrayed are desperately trying to understand their own feelings as well. They are trying to categorize the pain. They are trying to understand an incredible array of brand new and completely overwhelming emotions they have never experienced before. And when they read that what they are going through is NORMAL and the THEY are NORMAL, they want to share that because it is a huge relief to find out that this new insanity is not, in fact, insanity at all.
I am one of these people. I have watched the videos, listened to the podcasts, read the articles and the books.
You know how a lot of books about infidelity or betrayal trauma start out? They start out with an explanation of all these new emotions. They start out describing the emotions in stark terms like I have used here like debilitating, devastating, or painful. They also throw in descriptions of the pain and the suicidal ideation that often accompany these drastic emotions. I think these books start with this because this helps to satisfy the most IMMEDIATE need of the betrayed: To feel like someone UNDERSTANDS.
So we read these books, and we give them to our spouses to read. I highlighted the parts that I felt helped to explain what I was feeling. There were A LOT of highlights. That’s because the feelings are so common among the betrayed. There are variations of course, but each of us feels a lot of the same things.
The feelings run the gamut. In no particular order: Low self-worth Suicidal ideation Physical pain Anxiety Fear Depression Feeling stupid Impending doom Sadness Embarrassment Shame Feeling like a chump Numbness Betrayal
Hatred Anger Self-Esteem issues Distrust Hopelessness Loneliness
And what we want is for those who are our support people to understand these feelings. And often the most important person we feel needs to understand is our spouse. After all, if they do not know how we feel, they cannot help us to recover. The problem is, that even we as the betrayed have never had these feelings to the extreme extent that we now have them. We probably have never felt them all together at the same time before. We have read about these feelings. Each of the above listed feelings is something that we know of when we read it. But we had no idea of the INTENSITY of each of them and how they can be intertwined to create an insurmountable-feeling array of emotion that is near-impossible to articulate.
So we seek someone else to articulate these feelings and emotions in a way that makes sense. We read the books and the articles and listen to the podcasts. And when the speaker or writer gets the words right to explain how we are feeling we want to point to those words and show our spouse and say: “Look! I’m NORMAL! I feel this feeling like the book says betrayed people feel! Now can you understand?”
But we know that if WE read these descriptions without having been betrayed, we would never, EVER have truly understood the DEPTH of the feelings. The VICIOUSNESS of the emotions. The sheer debilitating devastation of what these feelings are doing to us. And if we could not have imagined this intensity, then we KNOW that our spouse cannot POSSIBLY imagine the intensity either. Even if we said: “It’s like sadness only REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD sadness.” That’s not going to portray the gravity of the sadness we know inside that we feel. That’s because the WORDS are not FEELINGS.
So we come here to subs like AOAIBetrayeds or SupportForBetrayed or others desperately seeking other people who may UNDERSTAND how we feel so that we can truly know that WE ARE NORMAL. And it’s not that the WORDS are any different in one of these subs than they are as written by some PhD Author who has supported those with infidelity trauma. The words are exactly the same. But the knowledge that this other stranger on the sub has ALSO been betrayed gives us comfort that they have the CAPACITY to ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND. Again, it’s because WE KNOW that WE OURSELVES could not possibly have understood prior to our experience of being betrayed. We knew the WORDS, but we did NOT understand the FEELINGS the way we do now. And we know those who haven’t been betrayed can’t have what we really need: Empathy.
EMPATHY
In our desperation to have our primary support person have real empathy, we read more books. Share more passages with them, and tell them every day how we are feeling. We cry in front of them. We writhe in pain in front of them. We express depression, our feeling suicidal, our pain. We ask them if they understand. They tell us they do, but since we fully understand that no one can ever really know without having been there, we are not satisfied. And because we are not satisfied, our traumatized brain tries to find other ways to convey our need to have our spouse TRULY empathize with us. One of those ways is to lash out at them. To make sure that they have a full understanding of how bad a person they are. How their decisions and actions have created havoc in our lives. How they are selfish, thoughtless, pigs. They are bad spouses, bad parents, bad sons and daughters and brothers and sisters and friends. We blame, finger wag, blame, scream, blame, and completely unleash upon them every bit of vitriol we can muster to throw at them. We do this because WE WANT THEM TO HURT LIKE WE HURT. We want EMPATHY. It doesn’t work, of course. Because deep down we understand the truth. And that truth is that those who have not been betrayed, cannot, and will never, truly understand what it is to be betrayed and the depth and gravity of the devastation that it causes. It’s just not possible.
So we have a thought: If only the betrayed can understand, and we need them to understand, then we could take it to its logical conclusion: We need to BETRAY THEM. This is where REVENGE CHEATING becomes a thought. The idea is, of course, that if we could only betray them sufficiently, then they would UNDERSTAND how we feel and finally be able to have true EMPATHY.
The problem with that is: The wayward spouse is not a fully trusting, loving, blindly believing spouse. They are not US. They will experience the revenge cheating differently than the blindsided betrayed experienced the cheating that destroyed them. It is not possible for the cheater to understand the emotions of the betrayed. Not even if they are cheated on.
The very basic bottom line is that we betrayed want to be UNDERSTOOD. That understanding would be easy if our wayward spouses could just spend 10 minutes in our brains. 10 minutes of real, pure experience of what we are experiencing would be invaluable. Unfortunately, no device has been yet invented than can allow them that horrible privilege.
We want other things too. We want our spouses to apologize. We want them to feel some feelings that we know should come from someone who caused us the devastation that we are living through. Feelings like shame, guilt, remorse. We want from them atonement. And all of these things would be SO EASY for them to be able to feel if they truly UNDERSTOOD us and had real EMPATHY. Unfortunately, as I said earlier, that’s impossible. They can read the descriptions, but they’ll never feel the feelings.
So what are we to do?
You’re going to hate this, but after all this reading, I’m going to say…I don’t know.
I think the necessary step to start with is to really explain to your spouse how you feel. Explain to them using your words or allow them to see you cry, or wail, or whatever it is you feel so that they can experience as much as possible.
Then give them the books, the podcasts, the videos and the articles. Show them that the words you are using to describe your experience are not those of an outlier but are NORMAL. That these feelings are ACCEPTABLE and EXPECTED. Then you have to just let them come to some conclusions on their own about how they feel about what they have done to you. “Patience you must have, my young Padawan.*"
*I am working on my own capacity for patience. I'm not good at it.
I am at a place today where I have started to wean myself off the destructive circular pattern of blaming her, complaining to her, explaining my pain, the repeating that circle. Complain, Explain, Blame, Complain, Explain, Blame. I have finally reached a place where, at least tentatively, I have come to feel like I have asked all the questions that need to be asked. I have also explained to her my pain to the extent that I can. As I stated above, true and full empathy will never be possible. For now at least I feel like I understand that and can rest assured that to the extent she can, even if that extent is woefully under the extent that I wish it was, she understands.
One thing I did to get to this place was write down all of the questions I could think of. I wrote down questions like: What time of day did you go to his place for sex that day? Were you sober? What made you go there? What were you thinking? And I wrote down the questions that I know I don’t want answers to. Sexual details. Positions, acts, etc. I have already asked a few of those and have found that they have caused disturbing mind movies with me. I needed to ask them though, because prior to asking, the questions themselves were rolling around in my head and not allowing me to sleep. Your mileage may vary.
I have set aside the questions that I know would haunt me depending on their answer. I have also come to the conclusion that a lot of the questions could only cause me harm, like: Was the sex better with him than with me? If she answers YES, then the damage of that is obvious. But if she answers NO, I will likely be forever convinced that she was probably lying. And lies are, as we all know, a huge scourge to us. These questions will never be asked.
I have now explained how I feel enough times to feel like she understands as well as she possibly can. I have told her repeatedly of how much pain she has caused so that I think she understands that also.
There is nothing more that I can do on these fronts. For this reason I’m going to stop with the circular pattern. I’m going to try to be calm. I’m going to try to not lash out. I’m going to try to not blame.
I truly UNDERSTAND that I have done all that I can on this front. Hopefully I am right.
Fuck these affairs.
TL;DR’s: We all want to be UNDERSTOOD. It is the primary need of the betrayed and is in some ways impossible. Projecting anger and vitriol at your WP will reach a point of diminished return. When you get there, be ready to accept that and try to move to another stage in your recovery.

Also on AOAIBetrayeds. is an online peer support group and safe space reserved for betrayed individuals who are considering, actively attempting to, or have reconciled after infidelity. If you feel you would benefit from a more private supportive sub for only betrayed people, message the mods at or send me a DM.
tl;dr's at the bottom.
From MY perspective.
Context: Me: 59m. Her: 55f. Married 33 years, together 36. WW had a full on EA bookended with multiple sexual PA's (1 in Dec, 2022 and 3 in Sept, 2023 (last 2 on Dday). She then pretended to go NC with AP for an additional 5 months which created Dday #2 in February. Read my story and updates using my profile for posts if you want to see background.
https://www.reddit.com/useDiscardbobulated/submitted/
UNDERSTANDING
Betrayal is destructive. Betrayal is debilitating. Betrayal is painful. It hurts not just our relationships, but our minds, our bodies, and our souls. It crushes us in ways we did not know we could be crushed.
It changes us. It changes our minds, our bodies, our outlooks on life, and so much more.
Betrayal steals from us. It steals our ability to trust. It steals our innocence. It steals our confidence, our self-esteem, and our calm. Betrayal steals our ability to feel joy.
You know what it does to us that is maybe the most egregious thing? It makes us feel like NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.
I have spent a lot of time on this sub and I have read a lot of stories of pain and suffering. I have also been the one in pain. The one suffering. I’m still hurting. I still suffer. The betrayed, like me, read books, listen to podcasts, watch videos, and read articles. And you know what most of them do, myself included? They SHARE these materials with their spouses.
WHY? I feel like a huge part of why they do it is to share the part of the writing/podcast/video that mirrors or somehow explains how they are feeling. They want their spouse to know what it is they are going through.
And why do they want to do that? Why is it so important? I think it is because the betrayed are desperately trying to understand their own feelings as well. They are trying to categorize the pain. They are trying to understand an incredible array of brand new and completely overwhelming emotions they have never experienced before. And when they read that what they are going through is NORMAL and the THEY are NORMAL, they want to share that because it is a huge relief to find out that this new insanity is not, in fact, insanity at all.
I am one of these people. I have watched the videos, listened to the podcasts, read the articles and the books.
You know how a lot of books about infidelity or betrayal trauma start out? They start out with an explanation of all these new emotions. They start out describing the emotions in stark terms like I have used here like debilitating, devastating, or painful. They also throw in descriptions of the pain and the suicidal ideation that often accompany these drastic emotions. I think these books start with this because this helps to satisfy the most IMMEDIATE need of the betrayed: To feel like someone UNDERSTANDS.
So we read these books, and we give them to our spouses to read. I highlighted the parts that I felt helped to explain what I was feeling. There were A LOT of highlights. That’s because the feelings are so common among the betrayed. There are variations of course, but each of us feels a lot of the same things.
The feelings run the gamut. In no particular order: Low self-worth Suicidal ideation Physical pain Anxiety Fear Depression Feeling stupid Impending doom Sadness Embarrassment Shame Feeling like a chump Numbness Betrayal
Hatred Anger Self-Esteem issues Distrust Hopelessness Loneliness
And what we want is for those who are our support people to understand these feelings. And often the most important person we feel needs to understand is our spouse. After all, if they do not know how we feel, they cannot help us to recover. The problem is, that even we as the betrayed have never had these feelings to the extreme extent that we now have them. We probably have never felt them all together at the same time before. We have read about these feelings. Each of the above listed feelings is something that we know of when we read it. But we had no idea of the INTENSITY of each of them and how they can be intertwined to create an insurmountable-feeling array of emotion that is near-impossible to articulate.
So we seek someone else to articulate these feelings and emotions in a way that makes sense. We read the books and the articles and listen to the podcasts. And when the speaker or writer gets the words right to explain how we are feeling we want to point to those words and show our spouse and say: “Look! I’m NORMAL! I feel this feeling like the book says betrayed people feel! Now can you understand?”
But we know that if WE read these descriptions without having been betrayed, we would never, EVER have truly understood the DEPTH of the feelings. The VICIOUSNESS of the emotions. The sheer debilitating devastation of what these feelings are doing to us. And if we could not have imagined this intensity, then we KNOW that our spouse cannot POSSIBLY imagine the intensity either. Even if we said: “It’s like sadness only REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BAD sadness.” That’s not going to portray the gravity of the sadness we know inside that we feel. That’s because the WORDS are not FEELINGS.
So we come here to subs like AOAIBetrayeds or SupportForBetrayed or others desperately seeking other people who may UNDERSTAND how we feel so that we can truly know that WE ARE NORMAL. And it’s not that the WORDS are any different in one of these subs than they are as written by some PhD Author who has supported those with infidelity trauma. The words are exactly the same. But the knowledge that this other stranger on the sub has ALSO been betrayed gives us comfort that they have the CAPACITY to ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND. Again, it’s because WE KNOW that WE OURSELVES could not possibly have understood prior to our experience of being betrayed. We knew the WORDS, but we did NOT understand the FEELINGS the way we do now. And we know those who haven’t been betrayed can’t have what we really need: Empathy.
EMPATHY
In our desperation to have our primary support person have real empathy, we read more books. Share more passages with them, and tell them every day how we are feeling. We cry in front of them. We writhe in pain in front of them. We express depression, our feeling suicidal, our pain. We ask them if they understand. They tell us they do, but since we fully understand that no one can ever really know without having been there, we are not satisfied. And because we are not satisfied, our traumatized brain tries to find other ways to convey our need to have our spouse TRULY empathize with us. One of those ways is to lash out at them. To make sure that they have a full understanding of how bad a person they are. How their decisions and actions have created havoc in our lives. How they are selfish, thoughtless, pigs. They are bad spouses, bad parents, bad sons and daughters and brothers and sisters and friends. We blame, finger wag, blame, scream, blame, and completely unleash upon them every bit of vitriol we can muster to throw at them. We do this because WE WANT THEM TO HURT LIKE WE HURT. We want EMPATHY. It doesn’t work, of course. Because deep down we understand the truth. And that truth is that those who have not been betrayed, cannot, and will never, truly understand what it is to be betrayed and the depth and gravity of the devastation that it causes. It’s just not possible.
So we have a thought: If only the betrayed can understand, and we need them to understand, then we could take it to its logical conclusion: We need to BETRAY THEM. This is where REVENGE CHEATING becomes a thought. The idea is, of course, that if we could only betray them sufficiently, then they would UNDERSTAND how we feel and finally be able to have true EMPATHY.
The problem with that is: The wayward spouse is not a fully trusting, loving, blindly believing spouse. They are not US. They will experience the revenge cheating differently than the blindsided betrayed experienced the cheating that destroyed them. It is not possible for the cheater to understand the emotions of the betrayed. Not even if they are cheated on.
The very basic bottom line is that we betrayed want to be UNDERSTOOD. That understanding would be easy if our wayward spouses could just spend 10 minutes in our brains. 10 minutes of real, pure experience of what we are experiencing would be invaluable. Unfortunately, no device has been yet invented than can allow them that horrible privilege.
We want other things too. We want our spouses to apologize. We want them to feel some feelings that we know should come from someone who caused us the devastation that we are living through. Feelings like shame, guilt, remorse. We want from them atonement. And all of these things would be SO EASY for them to be able to feel if they truly UNDERSTOOD us and had real EMPATHY. Unfortunately, as I said earlier, that’s impossible. They can read the descriptions, but they’ll never feel the feelings.
So what are we to do?
You’re going to hate this, but after all this reading, I’m going to say…I don’t know.
I think the necessary step to start with is to really explain to your spouse how you feel. Explain to them using your words or allow them to see you cry, or wail, or whatever it is you feel so that they can experience as much as possible.
Then give them the books, the podcasts, the videos and the articles. Show them that the words you are using to describe your experience are not those of an outlier but are NORMAL. That these feelings are ACCEPTABLE and EXPECTED. Then you have to just let them come to some conclusions on their own about how they feel about what they have done to you. “Patience you must have, my young Padawan.*"
*I am working on my own capacity for patience. I'm not good at it.
I am at a place today where I have started to wean myself off the destructive circular pattern of blaming her, complaining to her, explaining my pain, the repeating that circle. Complain, Explain, Blame, Complain, Explain, Blame. I have finally reached a place where, at least tentatively, I have come to feel like I have asked all the questions that need to be asked. I have also explained to her my pain to the extent that I can. As I stated above, true and full empathy will never be possible. For now at least I feel like I understand that and can rest assured that to the extent she can, even if that extent is woefully under the extent that I wish it was, she understands.
One thing I did to get to this place was write down all of the questions I could think of. I wrote down questions like: What time of day did you go to his place for sex that day? Were you sober? What made you go there? What were you thinking? And I wrote down the questions that I know I don’t want answers to. Sexual details. Positions, acts, etc. I have already asked a few of those and have found that they have caused disturbing mind movies with me. I needed to ask them though, because prior to asking, the questions themselves were rolling around in my head and not allowing me to sleep. Your mileage may vary.
I have set aside the questions that I know would haunt me depending on their answer. I have also come to the conclusion that a lot of the questions could only cause me harm, like: Was the sex better with him than with me? If she answers YES, then the damage of that is obvious. But if she answers NO, I will likely be forever convinced that she was probably lying. And lies are, as we all know, a huge scourge to us. These questions will never be asked.
I have now explained how I feel enough times to feel like she understands as well as she possibly can. I have told her repeatedly of how much pain she has caused so that I think she understands that also.
There is nothing more that I can do on these fronts. For this reason I’m going to stop with the circular pattern. I’m going to try to be calm. I’m going to try to not lash out. I’m going to try to not blame.
I truly UNDERSTAND that I have done all that I can on this front. Hopefully I am right.
Fuck these affairs.
TL;DR’s: We all want to be UNDERSTOOD. It is the primary need of the betrayed and is in some ways impossible. Projecting anger and vitriol at your WP will reach a point of diminished return. When you get there, be ready to accept that and try to move to another stage in your recovery.

Ever since August 2023, I have been feeding a friendly female feral cat and her skittish son. I have been wanting to spay and neuter these two, but multiple issues occurred in December 2023 when her son was of age to be neutered, which prevented the two of them from being fixed. I contacted a TNR organization called C5 that same month and was told I would be placed on a waitlist of 3 months, and have not been contacted ever since. I was naive to wait for a phone call because matters would get worse.
As of late March, the female feral cat gave birth to 5 kittens, but one unfortunately did not make it. Ever since the birth of these kittens, I planned to catch them and wean them off, so I could take their mother and older brother to get neutered and spayed, and not deprive the kittens of a food source with their guardians gone. However, I never saw the kittens come by with their mom.
On Thursday, May 9th, one of the kittens appeared in my front yard. Although I could not manage to catch it, I contacted another TNR organization named Las Vegas Valley Humane Society (LVVHS) by submitting a TNR Inquiry Form through their website. This organization focuses on TNR and adoption, but relies on fosters in order to house the adoptable animals, who bring them to adoption events. The next morning, I received an email to text a phone number, and this is where my troubles would begin.
I texted the number with my name, address, and the amount of cats I wanted to be fixed as instructed by the email. I explained to the phone number that I wanted the two oldest cats to be fixed, and maybe the kittens if they were of age. A cat coordinator for LVVHS responded to my messages and asked for pictures of the kittens to see their age. However, they would constantly make me repeat myself and would often dismiss my questions and concerns, just to give me extremely vague responses unrelated to my concerns. After exchanging texts for a while, the cat coordinator for the LVVHS made me aware that they could possibly come by Monday afternoon or early evening to help me catch the kittens, since they were extremely fast.
Flash forward to Monday, where I received no notice or text by the cat coordinator. Although this organization has no building, all of their websites state they close at 5. As the time neared 5 pm, I texted if the organization planned on coming to help catch and pick up the kittens and the cats. I would not receive a text until an hour later, where they stated they could not come and asked about my plans for the kittens, since they had no fosters available at the moment. I never once stated I wanted to foster the kittens, so this seemed quite absurd. I responded that my plans were just to take care of the kittens while their guardians would be fixed, but they decided not to reply to that text.
The following morning, I managed to catch the kittens with my neighbor’s help and notified the LVVHS coordinator about that. Two hours later, they texted me they would call me and never did. I texted them at around 6:36 pm expressing my concern for an update on when the organization would be available to pick up the cats, since I never received a call. The coordinator simply responded by saying “How many kittens?” after answering this question nearly 5 times with them. I had to reiterate my intention for nearly the third time, and was met with an extremely contradictory response. Apparently, this organization does not catch the cats themselves, and instead feral cat caretakers have to pick up a trap and take the cats to the clinic, which was not stated on their website and contradicted their text stating they could come by Monday to help catch the kittens. Also, when I asked where exactly I would go to pick up the traps and what the address of the clinic was, the coordinator simply ignored my questions and instead gave me the hours of the unnamed clinic. (Based on my own research, I figured out they were referring to the Heaven Can Wait Clinic solely based on the hours of operation given to me).
In addition, the LVVHS coordinator instructed me to text them Saturday or Sunday to help schedule a pick up for a trap, in order to catch the two adult cats, while also informing me that I was at the top of the foster list. I already made them aware of my plans, and they knew the kittens were only 6 weeks old and could not be separated from their mother. However, they directed a foster to contact me if they could come by my house to assess the kittens and see if they can take them the very same evening. So, although they made no effort to contact me over an update about the adult cats being caught, they instead vehemently wanted to separate the kittens from their mother at the age of six weeks?
I can understand that this is a small business, but clearly the Las Vegas Valley Humane Society throws out professionalism when it comes to TNR matters. The miscommunication, dismissal of my questions and concerns, and rather vague responses assuming I am aware of certain operations and addresses is quite infuriating, especially when not listed on their website. I just wanted to help control the cat population, but because of unprofessional organizations such as these, I am still left with unneutered and unspayed adult cats.
I am aware that there are several resources to help feral cats, but after contacting several organizations, I was met with more issues than solutions. For instance, the Heaven Can Wait Clinic only accepts feral cats in humane traps, which costs $125 to borrow, and as a mere college student, I can barely afford to borrow a trap and cover the cost of the operation itself. Furthermore, this clinic is only open in the mornings from Monday to Thursday, which can be quite limiting. This matter was extremely infuriating and overwhelming for not only me, but also the cats who had to wait for hours to be picked up, and never were.

I did the AP Bio test got out 30 minutes ago and the MCQ was pretty light work, only about 10 questions were hard and even then I managed to solve most of those and be almost sure about it. With FRQ, I took too long on the short response (I did those first) and I only had time to answer 1 of the 2 Long FRQ blank (I didn’t do the graphing one). The FRQs I did were either medium or easy difficult and I am pretty sure I yapped enough where I explained the answer well. If I get a good amount correct on MCQ and on FRQ, how much would my score be?

Hello everyone! I have decided to leave my thoughts here, so whatever happens, happens, I just feel like I should do it somewhere. Oh my, I typed a lot, I'm not even confident enough that this will be read, but hey I've got nothing to lose. So, I'm a guy who just recently hit 20 and the ways I think and feel are changing and I am having difficulties because of that. This will be related to my feelings, thoughts and my wishes, the last part is something I'm not used to having. The main problem will be my father who is not supporting that. However I wouldn't say it's just some "disagreement" or anything, but something bigger. So I will leave some stuff I've been through and how I felt at those times. I hope someone can help or anything
Before school: I would be super talkative with the family and neighborhood kids, just being annoying and putting out some childlike opinions and just being a little loud burden when I'm comfortable. When I'm not, I'd just be the quiet kid I've been taught to be, not nice bothering grownups, they're scary
Elementary school: As a kid I never had too many friends, I always attached to that one person and was connected with them the most and it was enough for me. However I happened to have some silly luck where whenever I'd get attached to someone they would magically appear to move out of the country and I'd find a new friend and repeat the same cycle. Definitely didn't hang out with multiple people at once. Wasn't aware this was doing something to me. A lot of them were friends that played a lot of video games and I got into playing video games too. A bit too much perhaps because it would happen to delay everything, including my knowledge of everything till this very day. Both in elementary and high school I was a straight A, "gifted kid" and all that nerd stuff. Of course I did it all because I feared the reaction of my parents if I wasn't doing as good as I was supposed to. My mom was more understanding than my dad. I could always ask her things like "Would you still love me if I wasn't getting As?" and she would comfort me and all the good stuff. I was always afraid of my dad so I never had deeper talks with him. Even today, I have deep talks with my mom and love spending time with her but I can end up being all day alone with my dad and we share 20 words. But now not that much because of fear but because of habit I guess. My whole life goal at this stage was just not making him angry. I didn't have any hobbies, just burning through games and school books. When it was time to go to highschool, I picked some random school not directed into anything, (uhh I don't know the words, gymnasium? the school that has a little bit of everything, nothing specific, English is not my native language) it was kinda directed to coding but not really, I picked it because, hey I like games, this should be fun, I could make games.
Highschool: My habits have hit me, and I realized I'm not really engaging in healthy human activities so I have been so afraid of not being able to make friends. Because I usually spent my social time with one friend in my house or their house I didn't really know anything about my town or places or activities or whatever at the age of 15. I was scared of simply being too far behind on everything and that I couldn't make friends. However I happened to find some kid who was just like me and I clicked with him. Oh my, repeating the cycle, am I not? However I didn't want to repeat the cycle. And I wanted to go meet more friends from the class and see what's up, I'm tired of feeling like an outcast. I've been lucky and I've met some great guys where I've seen what it means to have self-respect, self-love, a backbone, goals, how you can rebel against things you find ridiculous and all the most insane of them all, ~confidence~. Thanks to being in that group of 5 friends, I've been taught so many things I should have known ages ago and I was able to feel okay around people, start going to the gym, going out in town, advancing even as far as going to different towns and trying out things I didn't feel comfortable thinking about before. Was able to talk to girls on a deeper level and had an embarrassingly late realization of "hey, they're human too!". Things I did were nothing too crazy ever, I still had my dad's ideals hanging over my head, so I never felt comfortable engaging in some things like drinking or going to parties out late (well, he wouldn't allow me to leave the house late anyways). Eventually I figured out I can just lie to him to make things less complicated by twisting the story a little bit, that's how I ended up going to another town. The first time I confronted him about something bigger, is when I wanted to go to another country on my own so I could meet up with my girlfriend at that time and I was tired of him not allowing me stuff and I just dropped my first ever assertive-ish sentence to him. "I want to ask you something but I don't want your answer to be no". He allowed me to, was taken aback though. That trip was one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever had in my life. I think he allowed me to only because it was a girl in question, and I wasn't really having girl friends in highschool, was scared because of all the generalization I've heard from my father and the relationship between my parents, and I truly wasn't excited about the whole idea of marriage. My dad is very traditional and he loves being in control of my life because he believes that a man should fully provide for his family, that he should simply deal with this deal with that, that a wife must obey him, that parents are most important no matter how they act yadda yadda. A lot of old thinking I never agreed with but couldn't do much about it anyways so let's just live I guess. However one thing I did continue in highschool is my addiction to video games. But then I stopped because I felt guilty for not studying and felt guilty for not learning about music or town areas all my friends know. So I started listen to music properly and I got hooked to it. This has grown into a bigger problem now and I'll go in the final stage of my life because I feel like this is so much text.
University: (if I say uni/college, I'm talking about the same thing, I don't know if there's a difference between the two words) Oh well, you remember how I said that the addiction is gonna make a problem? Well, I started studying engineering. Thanks to my high grades and me doing the entrance exam relatively well, I got into the "toughest college in the country". Now, the fun part is that now that I have to detach from listening to music for multiple hours a day and absolutely doing stupid dances and releasing my energy outside because I don't know what to do with it, I realized I never thought about what I loved... And, well let's just say I don't really know if engineering, nor coding was the way to go. Crisis time. However I don't like anything, what do I do I'm gonna lose my mind. Well, let's just try having friends? I met some of the most beautiful souls ever on this university and I have reached the point of being able to "be myself" and show the world my weirdness and all the goofy opinions and statements my mind creates. I go to that college sometimes just to see all those beautiful people again and again. They're serious about what they're doing and about their studies, I wish them the best, I really hope I don't negatively affect them. However, I tried to research a bit on what I might actually truly love. And after stumbling through life this last year while pretending everything's okay when dad asked, and telling the truth to my mom, I stumbled onto psychology. And well I have went to that college, to see the lessons and classes and wow, studying can be fun? So I'm thinking about finally taking a wrong turn on this path I was always meant to take from the beginning of my life, and follow this, just to see what's gonna happen. What's the purpose of pushing software engineering when I know I'll feel about it like any other job. I'm not money hungry anyways, I'm hungry for being fulfilled. I've confronted my dad about wanting to change my career, to which I've been called many names, been extremely judged for my choices and I've been told to cut off my hair and stop going to the gym as punishment (I'm not planning on listening to this). I've never been physically abused by my dad, but I'm scared if he's insane enough to do something to me now because he set me a timer of 7 days to cut off my hair. Oh yes btw, I always wanted to have long hair and he never agreed, I was too scared to ever do it. Recently I've changed my mind and he hates it so now he wants it gone. I'm genuinely concerned if he's gonna launch on me with scissors or something ridiculous. You see, even now I am so easily manipulated and controlled by fear and I'm sick and tired of that. That's probably the reason I never got out of religion, my fear is just too strong for me to do it. I dislike that, I wish I could transfer fear into love, I have never learned how to do that though. Will I always be like this? Will I always be a coward and just say "yessir" to everything? I don't want to anymore. I'm tired of being a puppet. I'm tired of having to prove I'm smart or capable or hardworking. I just want to have something with which I can say "I did this on my own, I committed to this, I wanted this" not "well it was good for me". I want to start following my heart and throw my brain out of the window. And now I'm scared of things like "what if I was wrong all along and he was right", "what if I don't find any jobs in this country because of this", "what if he throws me out of the house or starts abusing me". Well I don't know, but I feel like I want to commit to psychology, and I'm gonna do it, I'll be on my own, no ideals from other people, just me, and my wishes. But these words and all the things affect me a lot and they always have. And I get demotivated and stop caring about everything, which just makes my addiction to blasting music on my headphones and badly dancing even stronger. I'm scared of it happening again. But I've never been this sick of it all, I feel like I won't go down without a fight anymore. So I ask in the text once more, can I truly be broken beyond repair, or can I break all the chains tying me down? Because I want to know if I should just abandon all hope and embrace the tradition and insanity along with it, or just run and not look back.
If you have read all of this, I am very grateful to you, hopefully I have been collected enough to construct sentences that make sense, or that it all makes sense overall. Anything is appreciated. I love you all and wish you the best <3

Taken from my profile post as crossposting from NSFW marked accounts is not allowed (post does not include NSFW content)

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Hi! Your friendly neighbourhood narc & BSc psychology student here. Are you ready for a change? ^{(This article was written with NPD and NPD traits in mind but many of the same things apply to different disorders}.)
If you are reading this, you have likely been sent here because you have enquired about the diagnosis of a loved one. This guide will help you with your question and to deal with the situation at hand, so strap in.
^{(Now this next line will upset you, but remember to continue reading afterwards.}) No one but a qualified mental health professional that your loved one is being treated by can diagnose them. Not random strangers on Reddit with no qualifications. Not qualified mental health professionals that are not treating them as it is against their ethical code for good reason (see The Goldwater rule in Section 7 in the American Psychiatric Association's Principles of Medical Ethics). And lastly, not you.

Why can I not receive a diagnosis for my loved one?

1. We/you are only seeing your description of your loved one which may differ from their own experience.
2. You are biased because you have a dual relationship clouding your objective view.
3. Non-verbal communication can also be used in the diagnostic process which is not available.
4. Diagnostics need, at the very least, 2h time, with a SCID-5-P(D) or similar to test the loved one.
5. Your loved one does not have the legal support etc. that comes with an official clinician-client relationship.
6. Your loved one has not consented to any medical treatment.
7. Our own experiences can differ wildly from those with the same disorder.
8. There are nuances such as differential diagnosis and physical health problems that cannot be explored.
9. Most people simply are not qualified to give a diagnosis.
10. Those who are licensed to diagnose may lose their license if they do so.

All these things (and more!) make any possible diagnosis incredibly inaccurate and most likely incorrect. It is also highly unethical. The good thing however - this does not matter for your needs! ^{(and if u disagree, just keep reading, trust me.})
Now you're possibly frustrated, possibly just confused. "But you said you would help with my question and help me deal with the situation!". I am aware that so far you have not gotten the answers you are looking for. Let me explain to you why a diagnosis is not necessary for you to get your needs in this situation met.

Why diagnosing a loved one isn't necessary for your needs!

Diagnoses serve a great purpose. I will not deny that. Diagnoses are used for research, treatment, insurance purposes and to get accommodations with. In relationships, diagnoses do not carry this same importance. Yes, understanding a diagnosis may help you better understand your loved one. But if you have been sent here, the chance is incredibly big that your lack of understanding is not the issue.
The issue is a pattern of behaviours that your loved one displays. These behaviours are causing you distress that you are seeking to eliminate. You are trying to find a label for them to help you understand and better deal with them, which is understandable as humans like working in predictable boxes. This is why we have stereotypes and work in schema's. You may think that once you understand their issues, their symptoms, their thought patterns, you can adapt to make them better. Or you would be understanding enough to suffer the situation. But this is not the case.
Even if the armchair diagnosis is correct, the individual experience will always differ. You can read and read and read, understand the disorder inside out, and still not understand your loved one. And not only that, but changing your own behaviour in accordance with their symptoms will not make the situation any better. It will simply make you compliant to their toxic behaviours and the issues will persist as there has been no treatment for the core of the problems.
Even if you simply want to know whether they have a disorder so you could support them better, it will not bring the improvement you are hoping for. You will need to act according to their needs, not their disorder. Some with NPD might want a lot of admiration so they don't end up collapsing. Others do not need this, but need understanding for their lack of empathy. Some others may have empathy but struggle with being seen as arrogant by others. Not all of our needs will be universal so communication with your loved one is necessary to make sure that you are providing them with what they need or want. This does not necessitate a diagnosis, simply good communication. A big risk that comes with this however, is that you may end up neglecting your own needs in favour of theirs. What can also happen is that this actually enables their maladaptive behaviours, as you are facilitating the behaviour to continue by giving them what they want instead of what they need.
Therefore, diagnosing a mental disorder in your loved one will not give you the resolve that you are looking for by posting about it on Reddit. Now there is just 1 lingering question.

What can I do to solve the issue?

Boundaries. At least, that is the answer most of the time. A lot of y'all are posting because you want your loved one to change. As much as I hope this for you too, we cannot make someone change. I am not a fan of religion or 12 step programs per se, however, keep the Serenity Prayer in mind:

"Grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

This prayer is the foundation of all boundaries. I will not go into too much detail as I will link the necessary resources below. They will explain everything in much more detail than I can in this post. However, let me give you a rundown of what healthy boundaries are! ^{(This bit is loosely taken from Boundaries by Henry Cloud.})
First of all, you need to know what is you, and what is the other. Boundaries are like fences, and everyone has their own yard. To set boundaries it is crucial that you know what you do have control over, and what you don't. This is the "wisdom to know the difference" part.
Your loved one has their own yard, with their own fence. They own their own body, mind, space, behaviours, etc. That is their yard which they are protecting. This means that you cannot control these things. You cannot control someone by making demands, trying to change their mind (other than by a healthy logical discussion) or setting rules for them. Attempting to do so anyways will lead to frustration and disappointment. This refers to the "strength to accept the things I cannot change" part of the prayer. Now you might think, "So I just have to accept their hurtful behaviours?". And my answer to that would be yes. But not without nuance. You need to accept the reality of their behaviours. Because their existence is something you cannot change. However, this does not mean that you should accept the hurt it causes you.
That brings us to your own yard. You can use your fence to keep the hurt out. This may not stop the behaviours from existing, but it will make sure that they will not exist in your yard. A boundary you might set could be "If you continue to yell at me on the phone, I will hang up and not respond to calls back today". Another example is "If you do not stop throwing items through the room, I will go to my sister's house for the weekend". Most of the situations like yours end up in this one though: "If you do not seek help for your mental health issues, I will leave this relationship". And sometimes, that is the exact one that is needed. Notice that in none of these examples you are trying to control the person. You are giving them a choice to continue or to seize the behaviour, and explaining what you will do to keep yourself safe if they continue crossing your boundaries. This is the "courage to change the things I can".
However, boundaries are not everything. There is likely another underlying issue (or multiple) which is causing this situation. That's why I want to recommend these other things as well:

1. Individual psychotherapy
2. Couples therapy/marriage counselling
3. Requesting your loved one to see a mental health professional ^{(although if you're looking to diagnose them on the internet, this is likely not going to happen})
4. Support groups (no, not the raisedbynarcissists or NarcissisticAbuse or narcissisticparents or any of those discriminative ones. you can look for C-PTSD support groups, domestic violence support groups, etc. etc.)
5. CPS or police involvement when necessary
6. The workbooks listed below

Books

Boundaries - Henry Cloud. This one is incredibly religion focused. it does advocate for child abuse at some point and it's very hetero- and cisnormative. Apart from that, it's quite a solid book.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace - Nedra Glover Tawwab. I havent read this one myself but it does demonise those with NPD a couple times. apart from that it's highly recommended.
Nonviolent Communication - Marshall Rosenberg. This one is good. It's more about healthy mutual communication, but it also explains requests and boundaries quite well. I find it might be a bit insensitive to those experiencing active abuse but all in all, this ones great and I highly recommend it.
codependent no more - Melody Beattie. This one I have not read either, I believe it's mostly about dealing with addiction in other people but it also has some boundary setting in there.
There are a lot of other workbooks that may help you that are not (yet) listed, so please take a look at my complete collection here.

More to consider

I put this at the end as usually it is the least useful part of my tirade, and can cause some very heated responses. I urge you to consider the damage you are doing to those with NPD when you armchair diagnose someone with NPD simply because of their toxic or abusive behaviours. Because this has been normalised in pop psychology, we are now disproportionally seen as abusers. People see others discuss narcissism and narcissists only in the contexts of abuse, and this causes them to think that is what NPD is. But it is not.
Not every person with NPD is abusive. Some toxicity can usually be expected in close relationships with those with NPD, but this does not have to be an overwhelming or dangerous amount. Think more, teenager who hasn't learnt emotional regulation and is very insecure yet tries to act all big and strong.
The stigma on NPD, which is perpetuated by armchair diagnosing abusers and other toxic people, directly rains down on those who actually suffer with the disorder. This is because a lot of people consume discriminative content (see "Dr." Ramani, raisedbynarcissists, etc.) and believe that the blanket statements made about narcissists are all correct. They then project these beliefs onto people who simply have NPD, a disorder, a disability. This leads to dehumanising or threatening comments, smear campaigns and cancellations simply over a disorder, unfair projection of trauma/abuser onto the person, etc. This is also considered emotional abuse as it is discrimination. More specifically saneism, which is a form of ableism. This can lead to trauma (small t trauma, usually) in the person receiving this unwarranted hate.

Questions?

Leave them in the comments of this post and I will get to them when I am able to. Feedback (constructive criticism and compliments alike) is also much appreciated!

Hi, sorry if this genre of question has been answered a billion times, but I've scrolled thru the sub and checked out links in the wiki and still feel unsure.
I'm trying to figure out if I might have dyscalculia, or something else wrong with me to explain why I'm bad at numbers, and struggling to find any easy enough to follow list of symptoms/diagnostic criteria to try and figure it out myself. I'm sure there's no way for me, as an adult, to get properly evaluated, and not sure there'd be any benefit to it if I could that would make costs worth it anyways, but I would really just like to figure out what's wrong with me.
It basically comes down to: I cannot read numbers in order, I constantly miss mistakes while proofreading numbers, but generally I would consider myself good at math - algebra, physics, even calculus - just bad with simple arithmetic.
I've been unable to read numbers in order for as long as I can remember. I mix up 8's and 3's (they look alike to me), I'll swap the orders of digits when reading number constantly, I'll repeat them back wrong out loud even if I'm understanding them right in my head, etc. I can't proofread numbers to save my life, which is affecting me at work. Yesterday it took me 10 mins to figure out how to call an Uber bc I was typing my own address in wrong and not noticing, even when looking at it written out correctly in front of me immediately before typing it into the app. This is really the main issue - my inability to read numbers in order or notice errors when I repeat/write them incorrectly. This is the core thing that bothers me, and actively feels like some sort of disability.
Additionally, I'm pretty bad at simple arithmetic. I took a long time to understand multiplication tables, I don't think I ever fully grasped long division, etc. Regularly to this day I use my fingers to do addition and subtraction. I would use a calculator for literally everything if I could.
But everything I'm seeing says if you're not bad at math, you can't have dyscalculia, which is leaving me very confused. Because although multiplication and addition are harder for me than I feel like they should be, they aren't my core problem -- I can do them well enough to function (although I'm also a grown adult and not a kid in a math class). And understanding mathematical concepts has never been an issue for me -- in fact I've always liked it. Algebra was easy for me. Geometry and precalc were kinda hard, but I think in a normal way. I took AP Calc AB in high school and understood it conceptually very well, although I'd regularly make mistakes in specific equations. I took two years of physics in high school and a semester of physics in college -- all very math and calculus oriented -- and did perfectly fine with them. I really struggled with Calc II in college, but I feel like that's not a red flag in and of itself, and was the exception, not the norm, for my experience with higher level math.
So long story short, I hated math in elementary school, but once I was in high school and college and learning more conceptual stuff, I never felt like I struggled more than normal and I genuinely enjoyed learning it! Which seems fundamentally incompatible with dyscalculia, from what I've read.
For additional context: I have other symptoms that align with dyscalculia -- I cannot read an analog clock without actively thinking about it for several minutes, I used to mix up left and right for way longer than was normal (although I stopped once I got my drivers license), I'm noticeably worse than my peers at estimating things (particularly distances, # of people in a crowd, or $ raised/spent). Some things that I've read are symptoms but that DON'T affect me is sense of direction or ability to understand a map (I'd say I'm better than average at that actually), ability to memorize things like dance routines, or ability to understand/sightread music or memorize fingerings (I was in orchestra at a serious level even throughout college and never felt like I struggled w anything like that).
Anyways, I understand y'all aren't professionals, but I'm wondering if, with the context I've provided, you can provide me any guidance on how to understand if I might or might not have dyscalculia. The constant mixing up of numbers is such a big issue in my life right now and I'm just trying to understand if this is actually something wrong with me or what, if any, resources I can use to help deal with this better in my day to day life.
Editing to add: I also worked in retail for years and would constantly read back people's totals/change wrong, and struggled a bit with making change.

this is a throwaway account so i am gonna be as vague as possible. i apologise as this post may get way too long. :)
i dont consider myself a wonder kid, i know i am not that special. however, i do think i work harder than what the average student does.
i am not trying to flex here at all:- but my career has mattered to me a lot. and i did a lot of things (limited, because i come from a small city) to boost the same. i have always been academically strong, coming 1st or 2nd in the entire class of 200 students. i scored >97% in classes 10th and 12th. i have been an active debater and MUNer winning state level competitions. im the first person in my school to become captain vice captain and then head girl of the school. i have self studied and given multiple exams like SAT AP and have scored 99percentile+. i have done internships and summer programmes.
reading my profile, it may become apparent i applied to colleges abroad. i did (if you are thinking then yes i am fortunate enough not to have financial problems), and have been admitted to a top-10 global university for my course. recently 12th grade results came out and i scored around 98%, and am the city topper for my stream.
when results came, people started calling. my grandma called and she jokingly told my father to order me a small cake and he said “mei kuch nahi karunga, uska result aya hai mera kya”.
my parents are supportive in the way they dont pressurise me to do anything and i am free to do these exams and extracurriculars. its my own choice to actually go and do this.. but theyre non chalant. for example they went on a trip during my boards. they actually dont care. they never hit me or scold me, and are generally supportive. however, i cant help but feel compared. its like theyll care if anything goes bad but if everything is good, they just act normal. if i ask for anything, they will help me if they can and done.
my elder sibling was also stellar in their academics, topping the school and scoring great grades. theyre older and are currently admitted into one of the best universities for their feild of post grad.
when results came , my mom felt the need to say “board results are okay but its not as good as xyz uni”. ofcourse its not, theyre doing postgrad but still if i scored good in boards theres no need to compare.. this happens in general, if anything happens in my life, my sibling is bought in the limelight cuz whatever event is going in their life is ofcourse bigger. whatever happens, “sibling” is inserted in between.
one such instance is when after 10th our school had an award ceremony and given some money to 1st 2nd 3rd the first thing my mom said was “oh sibling couldnt get the prize” (it was covid at their time)
i reached my limit when my mom told me today.. “only if you scored more in English, you would have such a good score.. you went wrong.” for context, i have scored >98 in every core subject and am between 90-95 for english. as english is compulsory for % calculation, my percentage is between 97-98. if i scored more it could be 98+. I felt frustrated. Why isnt she happy with 97% too? Thats also great.😭
i am confused what i am feeling. the university i am admitted to right now has been my dream. but i dont even feel happy. no achievement, small or big, makes me happy.
my parents in general are good. i just feel like an ungrateful b*** at times but cant help but feel as if they simply dont care.
can someone advise me on how to accept my parents the way they are? theyre good and supportive, just non chalant.

I am not in danger or anything but the place is jampacked with strange and familiar people, and the college is a maze.
It has been over 10 years ago since i graduated college. Why am I still having dreams about college. I recognize people i sort of met or seen in college and high school. Every time i enter a room, all seats are filled and people are taking test or about to take a test.
I dont freaking know where i am supposed to go. Because a teacher teaches multiple classes to different students multiple times in 1 day, they switch out the small room they usually teach for a big ass lecture hall for all 200-300 students they teach.
Example: Teacher teaches in a small classroom of 30 students 10am, another group of 30 students at 11am, another 30 students at 1pm, another 30 at 2pm, another 30 at 3pm, and finally another 30 at 4pm. That is 180 different students. This forces the teacher to schedule the use of 1 big lecture hall or auditorium that can seat 200-300 students for the final exam. I dont freaking know where it is.
That info about where the final exam takes place is posted on the blackboard website or what ever, in addition to the teacher informing us 1-2 weeks ahead of time. In my dream i can never get my phone or laptop to connect with wifi or get signal on phone and i dont recall the teacher announcing the room of the final exam. Worst is I dont even know what time i am supposed to take the exam.
I am running from class room to class room and lecture hall to lecture hall trying desperately to find the room I am supposed to take my final exam in.
I am struggling to run or walk. I cant move very fast. I see so many people in the hallway making it difficult for me to walk by or past them. I dont know any of them and asking them for help they simply shrug or say they dont know. The college i went to had multiple buildings spread out and most of the buildings was designed by stupid dumb fuck architects that make complicated ass building designs with confusing hallways and floor layouts. Why cant these dumb fuck architects just make a simple box building?
Anyways in my dream the rooms are even more confusing to navigate. I actually run through rooms to get to other rooms. It is so confusing. I try to read the door numbers and try to navigate but it doesnt even make sense. Room numbers dont follow a pattern. Worst is know i am in a building with multiple floors. It doesnt even matter as i dont remember or know the room number i am supposed to go to.
Even if i remeber the room i am supposed to go to or the internet works on my laptop or phone, i am still screwed as the final exam is on something i never studied or did not study enough. For example last night i dreamt i had to take a final exam in German. I dont speak any German. How tf am i supposed to even ace this test? Other subjects in math, philosphy, history, science etc... like oh shit i dont know or remember anything man.
Edit: some dreams i wake up sitting at the desk trying to read the exam and answer it. The text is all garbled and incomprehensible or the question is ultra convoluted. I am sitting there staring at paper not knowing the answer. It freaking sucks if it is not a multiple choice question like abcd. Even worse is if a teacher thinks i am cheating and confronts me.
What does this even mean?
1] I am lost and do not know where to go. I dont know where i belong. 2] I cant ask for help. Nobody knows where i am supposed to go or be at. I cant find the answer myself as dream wifi and internet doesnt work 3] Even if i find my way there, i know nothing about the subject. I didnt study. I am going to fail. It has been over 10yrs I dont remember anything. 4]It is so weird seeing people i havent spoken to or seen over 10yrs ago and even longer. Why am i still thinking of people from college and highschool?
Could this mean i am lost in life? Could this mean, if i had chosen different path in life, i still would have failed? Why do i miss all these people from college and highschool?
I went to a community college b4 going to a university. That explains why i recognize some students from highschool attending college.
Edit: do not ask my major because there are a bunch of dick head reddit stalkers trying to dox me or insult me using any info they can gather by reading my post history. I had a dipshit reddit stalker try to insult me by guessing my major wrong.

Chapter 1

Concept art for Sybil
Of Men and Ghost Ships, Book 1: Chapter 19
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As Alen woke up from the procedure, his view was taken up by lots of tools and instruments and, of course, the woman in red. At least she seemed somewhat satisfied this time. "All his vitals are stable. Give him a few minutes for the last of the anesthesia to wear off, and he should be good to send back."
Alen tried to sit up, got light-headed, and laid back down. Instead, he looked over at the woman in red. "So it's done? You cut off my foot and replaced it?"
The woman's glare was icy cold as she answered. "I saved your life and gave you a temporary replacement for a mangled limb, yes."
Alen felt a little embarrassed, realizing how he must have sounded. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to imply I wasn't grateful. It's just a lot to take in, you know? But I appreciate everything you did for me and all." Then, realizing he didn't even know what to call her, he added. "Oh, I'm sorry, I just realized I don't know your name."
A little of the ice seemed to melt as the woman folded her arms. Her expression now looked bored, if anything, but somehow Alen felt like he was less on her bad side than a moment ago. "Yes, well, you may call me Sybil, and you're welcome, I suppose. Now, try sitting up again and see if you can put some weight on your new foot so I can see if there are any needed adjustments."
Alen sat up a little slower this time, and the world seemed content to stay in place. After another moment, he grabbed hold of a rail and eased himself down onto his feet, one of which was now shiny and metallic. As soon as it made contact with the ground, he felt a jolt shoot up through his leg and into his spine, and he immediately took all his weight off the foot and raised it, noticing it was heavier than before as he did so.
The woman in red gave him an indecipherable look. "Too much pain for you to handle?"
Alen shook his head. "Not pain exactly...but it felt...I don't know...wrong, I guess? It's kind of hard to describe..."
The woman tilted her head. "Kind of like it's asleep but not quite, right?"
Alen eased his foot down again and nodded. "Something like that, yeah..."
With a nod, the woman seemed satisfied. "That's to be expected. Now try taking a few steps while holding onto the railing for balance."
Alen took a few steps, and while his foot felt wrong, it got easier with every step. The woman nodded. "Alright. I'd recommend using a walking cane for a day or two until you get comfortable with the feeling. You may feel some pain from time to time, and there are several therapies we can use to deal with that, but for now, I want you to focus on learning to walk with your temporary foot."
A new voice Alen wasn't familiar with spoke up from behind him. "Huh, I didn't know you had such a nice bedside manner. Does that mean I just have to break a leg to get on your good side?"
Alen turned around to see a much more around-the-edges man watching. He looked like he might be a bit overweight, but Alen could tell under any fat also sat a considerable amount of muscle. The woman's voice dripped with acid as she responded to the man. "A polite cockroach is a more tolerable cockroach. You should try giving more respect if you want to receive it!"
The man chuckled. "I'd say right back at you, but that'd be starting a fight we don't have time for, so how about we call it a draw for now and move on. Now, how about we get you back to your friends, kid."
Remembering something the woman had said earlier, Alen turned back to her. "Wait, you mentioned therapies? Shouldn't you tell me about them now if I'm leaving the ship?"
The man shook his head. "Yeah, about that kid... Your stay has been somewhat extended. I'll explain as we walk." He then turned to Vanessa, who'd apparently been observing from the corner for a while. "You too. Erik is back with the rest of your people."
Vanessa nodded. "Then I shall accompany you."
-
As Carter explained the situation, the kid seemed quiet. He just shrugged it off as the kid was probably focusing on walking with his new foot and cane, but the kid spouted off as soon as he finished. "We have to go back and get them!"
Carter shook his head. "Even if the pirates haven't already picked them up, there's too many ships for us to deal with now. Sorry, but it's too late."
The kid didn't seem ready to give up as he glared at Carter. "You shouldn't have left them back there to begin with!"
Realizing the kid had been through a lot recently, Carter decided to take it a bit easy on him, but he still took a slightly harsh tone to drive home what he was about to say. "Listen, kid, as much as you wish it wasn't so, in this universe, 'should' and 'can' very rarely match up as much as you'd like. We did our best and gave the pirates a bloody nose on the way out, but you all shouldn't have picked that fight to begin with. If you want to blame someone for your troubles, blame your captain. Although I'd say he's already paid the price for his choices. So how about you just say thanks for saving your ass, and we move on, eh kid?"
The kid was quiet a moment before he responded, his voice sounding less confrontational than a moment ago. "Fine... thanks for saving my ass. But stop calling me kid. My name is Alen."
Carter nodded. "That's fair, Alen. Anyway, you seem to have gotten on one of Sybil's good sides, or at least as good a side as I've seen that part of her have, so I might put you in charge of making any requests your people might have while you're our guests. Think you're up to it?"
The kid, Alen, looked back at Vanessa, who didn't seem to have much to add, before turning back to Carter. "I guess? How long are we gonna be here, though? Can't you just drop us off at a nearby planet or station?"
Carter chuckled. "If only it were that easy. Try asking some of your more...experienced sailors about the Sybil. They might have an interesting story or two for ya! Don't worry too much, though. We'll do our best not to live up to all the stories."
That seemed to have distracted Alen enough so that he shut up for a bit, and they walked in silence the rest of the way.
-
Carter looked at the hold full of people. Well, full might have been an exaggeration. Even with the escape pods, they didn't take up a whole lot of room. In the end, they'd only pulled in about half the stranded crew on time, but they still outnumbered the Sybil's "crew" of one many times over, which meant some precautions needed to be taken.
As Alen rejoined the rest of his crew members, Carter stepped forward and raised his voice to be heard over the din of the bay. "Attention crew of the Trader's Vigilance. I am Carter, Captain of the Sybil on which you now reside. Some of you, particularly the older sailors, might be familiar with some of the stories about the Sybil. You might have been told that she's haunted and that no living person who's ever set foot in her halls has ever been seen or heard from again. I'll be honest with you; those stories are more true than not. However, this time, and this time only, the Sybil has agreed to make an exception to that second bit so long as you play by her rules!"
Of course, it was Erik who raised his hand to ask a question. Carter nodded toward the large alien. "Yes?"
Of course, the crazy alien was grinning. "You speak about your ship as though she is alive. Even more so than most captains!"
Carter nodded. "That's because she is! I'll say this, the Sybil can be temperamental, cruel, and even sadistic at times! You do NOT want to get on her bad side! Even I can't save you if you're stupid enough to do that!"
There was more than a bit of grumbling in response, and Carter held up his hands to get their attention. "Now, like I said, you all get a one-time exemption to that, so long as you play by her rules. They are as follows."
Carter held up a hand with the index finger pointing up. "First, during your stay here, you will be allotted access to one deck, including rooms to sleep in, a mess hall, bathrooms, and even a rec room, even if it's a little bare bones. You are not to leave that deck without my direct permission for any reason. Doing so WILL put your health, sanity, and life in extreme peril!"
More grumbling, and Carter held up his hand with two fingers raised. "Second, as long as you remain our guests, all weapons and armor must be left in the escape pods! If, for some reason, you wish to do any maintenance on them, you must do so within the confines of your pod. Removing weapons from the pod will be punishable by your immediate eviction from the ship, with or without your escape pod! And if there is any question about the Sybil's ability to detect weapons, let me tell you that right now, eleven of you have guns on your person, fifteen have knives, and thirteen of you have other weapons of less common or otherwise improvised design."
This time, the grumbling was louder, but Carter cut them off. "If you don't like that, you are welcome to remain in your escape pods as long as you prefer, and we'll arrange for food to be brought to you!"
A bit of the grumbling died down, and Carter decided to finish things up and raised his third finger. "Third and final, if something that seems like an AI appears and issues any order or commands to you, you are to obey those orders immediately and without question. They will not issue orders merely on a whim, but they do not have to explain their reasons either. Remember, you are their guests, and they are granting you a rare exception to their usual policy of not allowing outsiders to set foot within their halls. You'd do best to stay on their good side. Is that clear?"
This time, the mumbling went on a bit longer, and Carter allowed it for a moment before speaking again. "Alright. Those of you who want to remain in your pods are welcome to do so. The rest of you who currently have weapons on your person, please deposit them into your escape pods, and I'll take you to your deck."
There was a flurry of movement. Unsurprisingly, no one wanted to stay in the pods alone aboard a ghost ship. However, a moment later, Carter received a report from the girl through his earpiece. He walked up to one of the men and addressed them. "Excuese me, mister..?"
The man straightened up and even gave Cater a salute. Something that didn't sit too well with him. "Harris, sir!"
Carter nodded. "Well, mister Harris, I'm going to assume that you just forgot about the pocket knife you have in your lower cargo pocket on your pants and that you did not retain it with malicious intent, but you'll want to deposit it into your escape pod immediately."
The man, Harris, patted his pocket and grinned sheepishly enough that Carter couldn't tell if it was an act or not. "Of course, sir! My apologies!"
Carter just shook his head. "Don't apologize, just don't do it again. I won't be able to save you if you break a rule a second time."
The rest of the stranded crew sorted out their issues in relatively short order, and Carter led them to their temporary housing area.
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Well, sounds like almost all of the characters have gotten to know each other. Now to see how well they all get along!
My Wiki has all my chapters and stories, including the short series and stories that I write for an occasional change of pace or style!
As a reminder, "Of Men and Dragons" Books 1 and 2 are available to purchase in e-book or physical form. (Both softcover and hardcovers are available!) Book 3 is almost done being edited, so I'll just have to get the cover art and formatting done, and it will be available to purchase as well! Hopefully, in no more than a month or two! (Barring more Amazon drama like last time... fingers crossed!)
OMAD Book 1: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09NCPP3PP
OMAD Book 2: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQ7FQ1ZJ

tl;dr what looks better for admissions to highly competitive schools: 3 DE classes per semester (total of 6 for the year) or a traditional Senior Year with APs and Honors classes? Getting the credits is a secondary concern, admission is primary.
Long Version: Hoping for some input from people who may have done this or who work in admissions or otherwise have factual (non-guessing) information on the topic.
Rising senior with ~3.9+ unweighted GPA has the choice to do a traditional Senior Year at her HS, which would mean a few honors level classes and a couple of APs as well as one or two electives
OR
Dual Enrollment at the local (well respected) State University where she would be limited to 11 credit hours per semester
All Math and Science classes to this point have been either AP or Honors. Highlights include H Geometry, H Algebra 1&2, AP Pre-calc, AP Stats, H Chem, H Bio, AP USH, AP Gov, AP Human Geo
She CANNOT do both DE and 'regular' school b/c her HS has a whacky 3-day rotation schedule (A, B and C Days) and would therefore have scheduling conflicts with the college classes.
Again, portability of the credits is not the important piece in this scenario - she has target schools and is trying to improve her chances of admission, credits are a secondary concern
Thanks!

It took me three attempts to pass the bar exam and here is what I did differently that seemed to help.

July 2022

The first time I coasted through Barbri videos while planning my wedding, then I was shocked to receive a 257 (insert eyeroll at overly confident and naive past self). I only did 700 Multiple Choice and I didn't understand some concepts, but I hoped I could skirt through like some of my peers. What killed me though was my anxiety. I didn't sleep for two days before the exam and I had two panic attacks during the writing day so I left two essays only half finished and one of my MPT's sucked. Also, because I was so tired, I missed HUGE issues. What I'm saying is that, in hindsight, I absolutely deserved that 257. I hadn't done enough hard work and I hadn't worked on the parts of myself that were self-destructive (procrastination, multi-tasking, anxious-avoidant habits).

Feb 2023

The second time I was so embarrassed and depressed about failing the first time, I self-sabotaged again. I had to work full time so I had to start studying immediately and aggressively, but I didn't take rest days or do anything to take care of my mental health. Instead, I drank too much and watched a lot of Sisterwives while building a massive color-coated outline. The outline was great, but I didn't ACTIVELY study enough. I did about 900 multiple-choice questions and reviewed the Barbri videos on the topics I didn't understand. Some of the lecturers would go on tangents that were not helpful, which made me panic about wasted time, then angrily pour myself a tequila soda. so stupid. (Sidenote: this was also my first Alaska Winter and I was unprepared for the Alaska version of seasonal depression)
Again, I couldn't sleep the nights before the exam because I didn't think I was ready, even though I had done about 10 practice MPTS, 50 practice Essays, and built an impressive collection of study guides, outlines, and flashcards. I did not have a panic attack during the exam this time, but I did make a rookie mistake and waste a bunch of time formatting an MPT answer (self-sabotaging unintentionally?) I received a 255. I drank, cried, puked, ate dumplings, moped around, took a week off work, then picked myself up and got my shit together.

July 2023

Now I was really in my head. I couldn't stop thinking about that stat that suggests the more times you take the bar the less likely you are to pass. I started to think I was an idiot that my law school had bamboozled me into giving them federal loan money even though they knew I was too stupid to pass. I started to do a lot of introspection here. I knew the material after the second attempt, but I couldn't get the points. I had blown off friends, family, my husband, my life for over a year and I was struggling to stay positive with the looming debt and continued failures.
I started going to therapy in March. I read The Mountain is You and Fck The Bar. I listened to podcasts about the science of learning and memory retention. I saw more sunshine. I drank much less. In May, I built a realistic but aggressive study schedule that coordinated with my work schedule. My boss agreed to give me a month off before the bar exam. I had weekly meetings with the Bar Instructor from my University. I started the first month with ten multiple-choice questions per day and 1-2 Essays. I kept a log of the questions that I got wrong and WHY I got them wrong. I was anxious, but things were going well and I was determined.
But then, shit really hit the fan. One of my best friends died out of fucking nowhere. I took a week off to fly home for his funeral, which I ended up organizing because his family was barely keeping it together. I came back to work and told my boss I couldn't do it but he pushed me to keep going. Thank the lord.
I got it together. I focused on staying positive, which somehow I was only able to do with an odd grief-stricken nihilism. This is a test. This is just a stupid test and we could die at any moment. It finally clicked for me: I still am valuable if I can't pass this exam and I can't waste my time being alive beating myself up for my failures. Maybe some of you already learned this in your childhood, but I didn't learn it until this summer.
I bought the John Grossman videos and adaptibar. I drilled multiple-choice questions, totaling 1,300. I reviewed my progress tracking document with all the questions I missed each night. I didn't drink during the week. (I'll share the schedule if it's of interest) I had two accountability buddies who asked me what I learned each day. I went to bed early, ate well, went running - I took care of myself because if you spiral, the money-hungry study programs and examiners win. The day before the exam, I stopped studying at two pm, though I was told not to study at all. I drank tea, played video games, and embarrassingly I had a little weepy grief moment at my professor's kitchen counter where I was staying. But I went to bed saying, "This is just a fucking test and it doesn't define me. I could die any moment and I don't deserve to punish myself. Whatever happens will happen." I had no panic attacks. I finished all of my essays. I was a grizzled veteran in a room full of first-time takers.
And I passed: 272. I cried and jumped for joy, which terrified my dog.
So here's the point: It's just a test. You've taken so many tests to get here. You can pass this one. I promise. Build a good study schedule, get the John Grossman videos, be honest with yourself about why you haven't passed so far, drill multiple choice, make a running document of the questions that you miss and review it each night, get lots of sleep, go to therapy to make sure your mental health isn't the reason you're not passing, and most importantly, remember that you could die at any moment so don't make yourself suffer. If you need to take time off to fix something emotional or internal, there is no shame in that, but knowledge builds and success here requires vigilant wellness and consistent practice.
You can do this. I promise.
​

I've recently completed my third year of computer engineering at UofT, and I wanted to share my thoughts on the courses I've taken. I hope this will be beneficial to incoming first, second, and third-year engineering students. My area of depth is 6 (Software) and my areas of breadth are 4 (Control) and 5 (Computer hardware/networks).
Difficulty: How hard it was to comprehend course material and/or complete practice problems accurately. Keep in mind that difficulty is subjective but I tried to eliminate personal bias and be as objective as possible.
Workload: The amount of work to complete outside of lectures (labs, assignments, homework, studying for tests/exams).
All engineers take the exact same courses in their first year first semester and similar ones in second semester. I took these courses in 2021 during covid so some information might be outdated.
First Year Semester 1:
APS100 Orientation to Engineering:
Difficulty: 1/10 Workload: 3/10 Course Average: N/A
There is no technical material in this course. All coursework consists of Ethics analysis, creating a schedule for time management, creating your resume, and discussion board participation. During tutorials, the TA typically asks behavioral questions to the class and covers slides pertaining to engineering principles, the learning environment, test readiness, and related topics.
APS110 Engineering Chemistry and Materials Science
Difficulty: 6/10 Workload: 5/10 Course Average: B
This course blends elements of chemistry, physics, and mathematics, requiring lots of formulas and memorization. The assignments and online quizzes were moderately difficult. Not sure if he’s still teaching but Scott Ramsay was a really good professor. Really enjoyed watching his video demonstrations.
APS111 Engineering Strategies and Practices I
Difficulty: 3/10 Workload: 6/10 (Variable) Course Average: B
Students are organized into groups of 5-6 and are assigned the task of developing a solution for a client, following the engineering design process. Success in this course heavily relies on your team. Throughout the semester, there are several milestones where you need to submit large reports with your team, making it crucial to have capable teammates. Many teams resorted to last-minute cramming the night before each milestone (not a good idea). Additionally, there are two peer reviews, so make sure you contribute to avoid being perceived as an unproductive member. In most cases, you don’t need to worry about this though. You’d likely all be good friends by that point (and give each other a perfect review).
CIV100 Mechanics
Difficulty: 9/10 Workload: 9/10 Course Average: C+
The consensus among most students in my year was that this was the toughest first year course. It's incredibly calculation heavy, with questions that may appear straightforward in theory but require multiple steps to solve. Even a minor error can screw up your entire calculation process. The assignments are extremely time-consuming, and the quizzes pose significant challenges. I suggest you work in a group for the assignments. Furthermore, both the final exam and midterm were exceptionally difficult.
MAT186 Calculus I
Difficulty: 4/10 Workload: 4/10 Course Average: B
If you’ve taken IB or AP this course will be a breeze. Even without that background, it's still relatively straightforward. Very little on integrals, mostly derivatives, rates of change, and graphs. PCEs and WebWorks were trivial, and the midterm and exam were easy.
MAT188 Linear Algebra
Difficulty: 7/10 Workload: 7/10 Course Average: B-
The majority of the course revolves around relatively straightforward operations on matrices and vectors. However, it does introduce abstract concepts like higher-order dimensions, which may require some deeper thinking to fully grasp. Webwork assignments were slightly more challenging compared to MAT186's, and completing assignments took a while. Once again, you should work with a partner or as a group. Pay attention in the MATLAB practicals because you’ll be using MATLAB pretty often in future courses.
First Year Semester 2:
APS105 Computer Fundamentals
Difficulty: 6/10 Workload: 5/10 Course Average: B-
If you’ve taken programming in high school, you will likely find this course very easy (2/10 difficulty). The course covers simple programming syntax, along with basic sorting algorithms, without delving into more advanced concepts beyond linked lists and binary trees. I think that this was one of the more enjoyable courses of first year.
APS112 Engineering Strategies and Practices II
Difficulty: 5/10 Workload: 7/10 (Variable) Course Average: B+
This course is essentially a continuation of APS111, but with the added component of being assigned an actual client with a real-world problem statement. Each group works with a unique client, and at the end of the term, you present your final report directly to them, along with your supervisors. As with APS111, the quality of your team plays a crucial role in your success. Another thing to note is that unlike APS111, there were multiple individual assignments to complete on top of your team reports.
ECE110 Electrical Fundamentals
Difficulty: 8/10 Workload: 6/10 Course Average: C+
Definitely one of the harder first year courses. This course marks your introduction to circuits. Topics covered include capacitors, Ampere's law, Ohm's law, Kirchhoff's laws, AC/DC circuits, magnetism, Thevenin and Norton equivalents, and more. The material is extensive and requires thorough understanding, as many future courses will build upon its concepts. Make sure that you understand the content well, given its foundational importance in subsequent courses.
ECE191 Introduction to Electrical and Computer Engineering
Difficulty: 0/10 Workload: 1/10 Course Average: N/A
Seminar course. You just need to show up to the lectures (one per week) and submit a 100-ish word report about what you learned.
MAT187 Calculus II
Difficulty: 6/10 Workload: 5/10 Course Average: C+
The workload in this course is comparable to Calc I, but the content is more challenging (obviously). It delves deeper into integrals and introduces concepts like ordinary differential equations and polar coordinates. But again, you’ll manage just fine if you did decently in Calc 1, and especially if you’ve taken AP math or IB HL math.
MIE100 Dynamics
Difficulty: 7/10 Workload 4/10 Course Average: C+
I personally found this to be the most challenging course in first year, but it seems that most people disagree with me. It shares similarities with CIV100, but you’re instead dealing with dynamic systems (moving) rather than static ones (not moving). Some concepts may prove difficult to grasp initially. However, if you focus on memorizing the relevant formulas and understanding when to apply them, you should be okay. Expect an emphasis on physics in this course.
Second year was the worst (for ECE) and a very big step up from first year. If you struggled in first year, you better lock in for second year.
Second Year Semester 1:
ECE201 ECE Seminar Course
Difficulty: 0/10 Workload: 0/10 Course Average: N/A
Another seminar course, except you just need to attend 7/10 lectures to pass. Most students just scan their Tcard at the entrance then leave right after. The lectures are pretty useless except the Magellan one where they show you how to choose courses for 3rd and 4th year.
ECE212 Circuit Analysis
Difficulty: 7/10 Workload: 8/10 Course Average: B+
This course provides a deeper exploration of circuits, extending beyond circuit solving to include frequency and sinusoidal analysis. Questions tend to be long so careless errors will cost you. Personally, I found the labs challenging, particularly because they required working with oscilloscopes at a higher level than I was used to, and I could not for the life of me figure out how to use that thing.
ECE241 Digital Systems
Difficulty: 7/10 Workload: 8/10 Course Average: B-
This hardware course focuses on the foundation of hardware. A lot of the content is at the fundamental level so it’s not too hard to comprehend. However, the main challenge lies in learning Verilog, a hardware description language. I hate Verilog. All the labs are done using Verilog, and frustratingly, the course provides no instruction on the language, nor are there many helpful resources available online. This lack of guidance made what should have been straightforward labs much more difficult. Thankfully if you are in CE, you’ll never need to take another course with Verilog again. The midterm was easy but the final was borderline impossible.
ECE244 Programming Fundamentals
Difficulty: 7/10 Workload: 7/10 Course Average: B-
This course is the sequel to APS105, delving into more advanced concepts like pointers, constructors, polymorphism, and inheritance. Many of these topics may feel familiar if you have prior programming experience, particularly from high school. Consequently, if you're already proficient in programming, as many computer engineering students are, you should be able to navigate through this course well. The labs were generally manageable, although a couple of them were time-consuming.
MAT290 Advanced Engineering Mathematics
Difficulty: 7/10 Workload 8/10 Course Average: B
In this course, you’ll learn a lot of miscellaneous mathematical concepts that will be relevant in future courses. The goal is to establish a strong foundation to facilitate understanding in third and fourth-year courses. There is also a quiz every week. They were terrible from a time management standpoint, but as long as you spent 3-4 hours per week completing the assigned textbook questions, you should be alright since one (out of two) of the questions on the quiz is guaranteed to be an assigned textbook question (at least, that was the case when I took the course).
MAT291 Calculus III
Difficulty: 9/10 Workload 9/10 Course Average: B-
The entire workload comes from studying for those damn weekly quizzes, much like MAT290. Personally, I found it to be one of the most difficult courses I've ever taken. Think of calculus 2, but now everything is in three dimensions, encompassing concepts like surface integrals, flux integrals, and more. Additionally, the course introduces abstract topics that I still struggle to grasp. Balancing the demands of this course alongside everything else was an incredibly stressful experience.
Second Year Semester 2:
ECE216 Signals and Systems
Difficulty: 8/10 Workload:7/10 Course Average: C+
I think everyone hated this course. It was so poorly taught and the midterms felt haphazard and unpredictable. I relied on the power of BS to pass (worked surprisingly). Other than working with many graphs and MATLAB, I don’t remember much about this course because it was so uninteresting.
ECE221 Electric and Magnetic Fields
Difficulty: 8/10 Workload: 5/10 Course Average: C+
This course serves as an introduction to fields, while also expanding on the principles covered in ECE110. Many concepts build upon intuitive ideas, such as the repulsion of identical charges and attraction of opposite charges, which can make seemingly complex topics less intimidating. There are also many procedures that you need to know to solve specific types of questions. The labs are generally straightforward. You just need to follow the steps on the lab worksheet and answer a few simple questions from the TA.
ECE231 Intro to Electronics
Difficulty: 9/10 Workload: 7/10 Course Average: C+
This course is basically circuit analysis but significantly harder. It combines everything you've learned about circuits thus far, introducing new topics on top of that foundation. There are so many new concepts to learn and the final pretty much tests you on all of them. I’ve encountered multiple scenarios where I saw two concepts that I thought were completely separate from each other being integrated into a single question on an exam. Also very calculation heavy. Despite my experience in this course, I must admit Khoman Fang was a great professor.
ECE243 Computer Organization
Difficulty: 7/10 Workload: 6/10 Course Average: B
This course is a direct continuation of ECE241, and surprisingly, I found it a lot more enjoyable than its prerequisite. The focus is on Assembly language programming, which I found to be way more understandable compared to Verilog. Assembly operates at a fundamental level, so you’re technically working with the most basic building blocks in programming. The labs often involved seemingly simple tasks like counting to 10 on a HEX display, but the nature of Assembly meant that achieving this could require hundreds of lines of code. I appreciated these labs as they provided a refreshing change from the usual programming tasks. Final and midterm exams were relatively easy.
ECE297 Software communication and design
Difficulty: 8/10 Workload: 9/10 (Variable) Course Average: B+
Despite the demanding workload, this course was one of my favorites. The main project involved collaborating in teams of three to develop a geographical information system (similar to Google Maps). Unlike other courses where teams are assigned, here you have the freedom to choose your own teammates. Starting off, your team is given only the OpenStreetMap database, and the APIs, granting you complete control over your project's design, functionality, and optimization. Performance enhancement and pathfinding algorithms were key components of the project. It's crucial for all team members to contribute effectively for success in this course; And trust me, this is not a one or two person project. To succeed in this course, all three members must be doing their share.
Third Year:
They say that third year is the easiest year for ECE, but that depends on what courses you choose. For me, it was only slightly easier than second year but still significantly harder than first year.
APS360 Fundamentals of Deep Learning
Difficulty: 8/10 Workload : 8/10 Course Average: B+
This course felt fundamentally very different compared to the other programming related courses. If you’re unfamiliar with deep learning, the content can be overwhelming but the inner workings behind AI are both fascinating and challenging to grasp. Fortunately, much of the coding in the course revolves around preparing data, setting up AI architectures, and training/testing models, rather than building an AI from scratch. While the labs are manageable, the final project can be very time consuming, particularly as training a single model can require hours or even days. Regarding this aspect, make sure you start early. Both the midterm and final exams were quite difficult.
ECE302 Probability and Applications
Difficulty: 7/10 Workload: 3/10 Course Average: B-
The first half of this course is very straightforward. Just an introduction to probability. The second half is where the difficulty quickly ramps up. Make sure you don’t underestimate the second half of the course. I made the mistake of assuming the material was easy after performing well on both midterms (midterms were very easy), leading me to neglect the final third of the course so I flunked the final. FYI, our marks were determined solely by the 2 midterms and the final.
ECE344 Operating Systems
Difficulty: 8/10 Workload: 10/10 Course Average: B
This course had the most difficult and demanding labs I’ve ever seen in my life. They are due every two weeks and some of them took most students more than 15 hours to complete. I’ve seen people staying up all night in the GB computer rooms to finish these labs. One positive aspect of the course if Jon Eyolfson is your professor, is that all lectures are both recorded and live-streamed, allowing attendance in person, online synchronously, or asynchronously. But if you have Ding Yuan, good luck. I heard he is not only bad at teaching, but also makes you program an operating system from scratch. The course content is quite interesting and the Midterm and final exams were fair.
ECE345 Algorithms and Data Structures
Difficulty: 8/10 Workload: 7/10 Course Average: B+
If you're one of those programming geniuses who have been doing Leetcode since like 3 years old, you’d have likely already learned all course content before you’ve even started the course. You could probably write midterm and final exams without attending any lectures. However, if you're not as experienced, attending every lecture, taking detailed notes, and staying focused is crucial. Personally speaking, some algorithms were incredibly difficult for me to grasp, while others were simple. Assignments typically include both coding and long-answer components, which can be time-consuming, but you can work with a partner.
TEP444 Positive Psychology for Engineers
Difficulty: 1/10 Workload: 3/10 Course Average: A-
This course overall was very enjoyable and a nice refreshing experience from the other technical courses. You go on excursions to various locations with your group and write reports. It's an excellent opportunity to expand your social circle and make new friends. If you aim for an A- grade (80-85), you can breeze through with minimal effort. However, achieving a higher grade (A or A+) would require significantly more work (like 5 times more, no joke), which is not worth the extra effort in my opinion.
CSC343 Introduction to Databases
Difficulty: 7/10 Workload: 10/10 Course Average: Unreleased
The content of this course is actually pretty interesting and is taught well. But the assignments were excessively time consuming. There are only three in total, but each one demanded such a significant investment of time to the point where I contemplated dropping the course altogether. You do work with a partner (going solo isn’t even an option if you want to complete the assignments) but even so, be prepared to invest 15-30 hours per person, per assignment (they also mark hard). Despite the workload, I do recommend taking this course because knowing SQL can substantially benefit you in the future. Just start the assignments early. On a positive note, the midterm and final were relatively straightforward.
ECE311 Introduction to Control Systems
Difficulty: 10/10 Workload: 5/10 Course Average: C+
This course didn't come with a heavy workload, consisting only of three labs and two midterms. However, I found the content to be very challenging. It felt like they condensed and combined every concept from every engineering math and physics course into one. Topics ranged from circuits and dynamics to Laplace transforms, matrices, Bode plots, and more. It didn’t help that Prof Scardovi didn’t record any lectures, has messy handwriting, and uses a damn chalkboard instead of modern technology like other profs do. The midterms and final were somewhat lenient compared to the lectures, but this course still ended up being my lowest mark.
ECE361 Computer networks I
Difficulty: 8/10 Workload: 9/10 Course Average: B
This course requires a lot of memorization compared to other courses. You’ll have to understand calculation processes but also memorize a lot of general knowledge about networks. A problem with this course is that some concepts that show up in tests are not adequately explained in lectures. By far the best way to study is to do past exams. Professor Valaee often recycles questions, sometimes even directly copying past midterms and finals (like he did in my cohort). Unlike other courses, there is no big assignment/lab for this course, but it makes up for it with quantity. There’s a quiz every week, a wireshark lab every 2 weeks, a programming lab every 2 weeks, and a midterm. The programming labs are already difficult by themselves, but this cumulative workload felt very overwhelming.
ECE472 Engineering Economics and Entrepreneurship
Difficulty: 7/10 Workload: 5/10 Course Average: B+
This is straight up an economics course, no engineering at all. You’ll learn about investments, equity, financing, and related areas. There are 4 quizzes throughout the semester, with quiz 3 (quiz 3 specifically) being by far the hardest (average in the 50s). Since you're able to bring your textbook to the quizzes and exam, my biggest tip is to write past quiz and exam solutions in your textbook, as there's a limited pool of questions, and new questions often resemble some kind of variation of past ones.
ECE421 Introduction to Machine Learning
Difficulty: 9/10 Workload: 7/10 Course Average: unreleased
While the course content itself may be challenging, surprisingly, the midterm and final exams were pretty easy. There's a slight discorrelation between the lecture material and what appears on the exams, but relying on past exams for preparation should be enough. The course leans heavily on mathematical concepts, much more so than APS360. The assignments were difficult and tedious but I recommend you work with others to complete it.
With that, I've covered my thoughts and tips for all the engineering courses I've completed. Transitioning into your next year in engineering, particularly if you’re transitioning from high school, can feel daunting. However, remember that you're not alone in this experience – many of your peers are facing similar challenges. If you need any more advice or have questions, feel free to reach out to me via DMs!

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess just wanted to write out what I'd been feeling and put it somewhere. I'm using a burner account, and no real names, I just needed to vent this somewhere
I dated my ex (I won't bother with names) for 4 years, and broke things off last summer. Like all relationships it was complicated, but now - nine months later - I still have no idea if I did the right thing, and am left feeling rudderless and adrift.
I'm 41, she's 32 - we met online four-ish years ago, immediately hit it off and started seeing each other 3-4 times a week. We started dating in Jan 2020 ... two months later, covid hit, and our entire state was essentially locked down. We went from dating to basically living together after two months - which, at the time, was great with me .. we were in love, and things seemed great. My parents split up when I was 19. In my 20's and early 30's, I'd made some bad choices with romantic partners - and chased after people who were emotionally unavailable, fundamentally. It took many years of therapy and introspection, but I had been actively making and effort to only date people I saw a real future with.
She (at 28) had never really dated anyone before. She explained she had some very severe trauma as a child, and coupled with abusive parents, she had never put herself out there really, and had focused on work, and fitness, and school. Her father had cheated on her mother when she was a child, and she knew about it (from a very young age). I heard all this, and tried to be as empathic and understanding and reassuring as I could -> after all, it wasn't anything she had done, and I thought she was a badass for overcoming that kind of abuse. We hit it off straight away, and seemed to have tons in common, and those first few months together were incredible. She still lived at home, with her parents - and for the duration of our relationship never moved out, or found her own space.
Things started to get strange when one day, I liked a female friend's post on Instagram ... this was someone I'd known for 5-6 years, and I was friends with long before I knew my gf. In retrospect, my friend's post was a bit thirsty .. your classic "I'm powerful, self possessed" look-at-me photos that showed a bit too much skin - and I should have just kept browsing, but I tapped 'like' (one of probably 20 posts I liked that day from all kinds of different friend) and moved on.
A few hours later, my gf called me, furious, and accused me of using her 'as a place holder' because - in her mind - I obviously REALLY wanted to be with this other friend of mine, and was using her. This came completely out of left field to me, and we had a 2-hour phone argument where I apologized, told her I'd remove the 'like', whatever she wanted. She kept circling back again and again that it was "totally normal" to go through a partners friend list / liked posts because "anyone can see them, they're public". We went back and forth, I was frantic and after we got off the phone, I went through my Instagram and basically purged any attractive female friend I had, and removed any likes I had to any post that might be weird or suspect. From them on I rarely used social media at all - but every few months my ex would find a new friend on my social media she didn't like, or suspected - even after I stopped interacting with social media at all.
This same sort of low-level suspicion persisted throughout our relationship. If I was looking at my phone, she wanted to know what I was reading, who I was talking to, etc. I have never cheated on a partner in my life, in fact I had been cheated on twice - so the sort of dull, constant suspicion really upset me - and after a while it almost felt like she was trying to manifest / discover some kind of secret infidelity. The tragic part is that we got along great otherwise, she loved my (male) friends, loved my family, and we had a relaxed and loving relationship besides occasional flare ups. But the suspicion never went away, or changed - and this sort of underlying insecurity was a constant background white noise of our relationship. She especially took a disliking to my roommates girlfriend, and made it a point to always talk about how much she disliked her, how they weren't going to last - etc (I can't say I blame her, the girl in question was not awesome .. but I never understood why his g/f should have such an outsized effect on our relationship). Despite all this, I thought she was an a kind, empathic, intelligent woman - and I saw a life with her, I saw starting a family with her - as real possiblities.
She grew very attached to my family, which also started to make me wonder what was going on. Many times, first thing in the morning, before coffee or anything else, she'd ask me "how's your mom? how's your dad?" - and would always want to know if she was 'still their favorite'. The first few times I thought it was charming - but it kept going on, to the point I had to push back and ask her "hey, please stop asking me first thing in the morning about the status of my family" ... for reference, I lived on the opposite side of the country from them, and would only get to see them for the holidays (which she was always invited to). I had a very challenging period of my life with my family, from 15-30 my family was fractured, my parents split up, it was messy ... but through years of effort, and time and patience forgiveness, I had built strong, loving relationships with both my parents individually, and my siblings besides. I sometimes got the sense that she even loved my family more than me, and that I was - weirdly - almost an obstacle between her and them. I told her as much, that sometimes I almost was jealous of how much she loved them, and wished that she could point that in my direction sometimes - knowing that they would be part of the package. She never did that same work with her own family - who were deeply dysfunctional, combative and sometimes outright hostile to one another. As crazy as it sounds, I often felt like she was almost trying to reap the rewards of the many years of hard work I had done - without an appreciation for how hard it had been to build new, adult relationships with my parents.
After a year and a half she found a new job, in a new industry, at a high profile company - and for the first six months she was there, she seemed to be able to manage the stress. I asked her if she wanted to maybe find a place together, to move in together for real ... but she kind of brushed it off. I would ask her again every few months, and would be met with the same sort of half-maybe-sorta-we'll-see ...
She suffered a major concussion two years into our relationship, which is when things really started to change. She never went to therapy, or saw a doctor to get treated ... and as the months went by, she became obsessed, almost addicted, to her job. It was all-consuming for her, and occupied all her thought and effort and time ... our relationship became an afterthought, and would mostly be relegated to her staying over (because my apt was closer to her office than her parent's house) - then me cooking her breakfast and seeing her off in the morning - and getting take out when she got back at night. She became more and more locked into her job, and our relationship became more and more platonic and less and less romantic / sexual... which is not uncommon when people are stressed out, or exhausted - but we couldn't seem to find time or space to fix what was happening. We talked, and communicated - but her reaction to stress was to go inside herself, and cut the world off -> and my stress reaction has often been the same.
We grew more and more distant over the next year, I also got a new job that ate up a ton of my time, so we would only see each other for an hour or two in the evenings, or on the weekends when we were up for it. I have a habit of pushing the people I care about away when I am not doing well emotionally .. it's the biggest recurring issue I've had in my life. I've been to therapy for it, and have ways to manage stress including meditation, exercise and a healthy diet - all of which allow me to function. But as the months went by, I got more and more stressed out as we became more distant - and I started to fall apart, and started to feel more and more alone and isolated. I'm sure I could have been better, or more attentive, or more patient ... and I in no way want to trying to pin any blame on her. After all, I'm just 1/2 of the relationship, and 1/2 of the story. After not seeing each other for a few weeks, I had to go out of town for a week for my job - to deal with a long and stressful convention ... and when I came back, we didn't see each other for another week.
I wanted her to come see me, but couldn't come out and say it ... I wanted her to intuit my needs, which she OF COURSE was not able to do. She wanted me to tell her I desperately wanted to see her, which she couldn't articulate because she wanted ME to intuit her needs ... and round and round it went. Lack of communication.
We did see each other eventually, what started as a small disagreement blew up. It started after my ex starting talking about my roommate's girlfriend, or she said something nasty about her. I was upset because we hadn't seen each other in weeks, why would this girl be the first thing on her mind? What about us? I totally overreacted and pushed her away - it was a long and stupid argument, where we both ended up dredging up things from months and years before .. we broke up, she left. In my self-righteous indignation, I felt justified in the moment ... but as the hours passed, and days passed, I was miserable and knew I had made a horrible mistake. My friends at the time told me I'd done the right thing, and that we had long standing issues that I had been mentioning throughout our relationship ... she liked her well enough, but wanted me to be happy, and told me that I had, ultimately, done what I thought was right at the time - and not to doubt myself. But I did, I got fully stuck in my head about it - and was desperate (yes, the D word) to try again.
Over the next few weeks she totally ignored me, wouldn't respond to my calls, or messages. I didn't expect her to - but I practically begged her to give it another chance with me. But she had totally shut down, and in her (later) words "she was never going to speak to me again." She did, eventually, after a few weeks, respond to me. We talked, I apologized, tried to explain that she was the world to me, and I knew I had made a massive mistake, and desperately wanted a chance to try again - to make things right.
She agreed, eventually. We met up for dinner, and slowly talked things out - I was still honestly pretty upset, but we kept seeing each other, started making it a point to go on dates, to get to know each other again. She believed I had cheated on her, that I had met another woman and that this had all been a pretext ... I caught her going through my phone after I got out of the shower. There was nothing to find, but I couldn't believe that she still, after years together, suspected I had been unfaithful to her. But that was just a bump in the road, we talked it out. Things seemed to be getting better. We shared an amazing thanksgiving together, and I genuinely felt like we had turned a corner and were as close as we had ever been ... so did she.
The next Monday, at work, she got another concussion - worse than the first. From this point on, her entire personality shifted ... Which I have learned, in the months that followed, is just something that can happen with head trauma. She didn't want to spend time together nearly as much, she fully retreated into herself, and her family. She wouldn't come visit at all anymore - even if I was willing to pick her up / drop her off ... she would only agree to meet for platonic dinners at a halfway point between our houses. She started seeing a doctor, a neurologist, doing PT work ... but she just kept seeming to get further and further away. If I invited her over, she was always want to know if my roomate's g/f "might" be there, or if we'd be alone ... and if there was even a chance this girl would be there (even though we could spend time in my room, or in the common living room without interference) - my ex would just stay home.
Six or seven months of this went by ... we kept sort of drifting apart, and it seemed like no matter how much I tried to communicate, or bridge the divide between us (which, to be honest, it felt like I was doing 3/4 of the work to keep this thing going) - we just kept drifting. After her second concussion, we stopped being intimate all together ... she was still convinced I had been with other women while we were apart, and demanded I get tested for STDs for her to trust me again. I let my pride get in the way, and should just have done it - but I had not been with or dated anyone else in the few weeks we were apart, and I couldn't get over that she still wouldn't trust me at my word.. after almost 4 years together, I still had to prove myself.
But I didn't, I was stubborn and dug my heels in - so our last potential shot at intimacy evaporated. We became basically platonic buddies ... we still loved each other, said we loved on another every day - but I always felt like I was chasing her, hoping for some kind of emotional connection or breakthrough or common ground that never manifested. By the time July rolled around, I was a total mess ... I felt completely alone, isolated, and like the person I knew and loved had drifted off, and there wasn't a way to get her back. For two months I said that I was really struggling, I was feeling really disconnected and that I missed her all the time - that I wanted to get back to baseline but didn't know how, and that I wanted her help or guidance. She said she felt like she was gradually getting back to where she started, but had no clear picture of how long that might take, and couldn't give me any kind of definitive answer if things would get better again - or how things might get better again.
It never happened. With another month-long work event looming on the horizon, and my stress levels climbing and climbing, I felt like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Eventually, after one of our platonic dates, I had a full on breakdown, and tearfully told her how isolated I was feeling, how I felt like I'd lost her, and how I felt totally clueless how to fix things. She had no ideas to offer, no guidance on how to navigate any of this, and no suggestions how to get back to some kind of baseline. It all poured out from both sides ... she didn't feel like she could trust me ever since we'd got back together, I felt like she neve really let me back in. But we both agreed that that one thanksgiving had been amazing ... and we wished we could find a way back to that place - but had no idea how.
I told her I needed a month, or two, I needed to start seeing a therapist, I needed to put myself back together because I felt like I was falling apart. I told her I wished that we could take a breathe - and come back on more solid footing because I had fucked up when I broke things off before. I had come back from a place of sadness and desperation - and had not given either of us a chance to heal before trying to undo the damage I'd caused. I wanted to meet her on even footing, from a place of mutual strength and try again ...
To her, this was just me breaking up with her again.. which I tried to say "no, I don't want to lose you, but I'm fucked up and need to just right the ship a bit in my life because I am totally losing it ..." But, sometimes it doesn't matter. To her, I was leaving her again, giving up. I had no idea if she'd speak to me again, but I felt so broken I didn't know what else to do.
I took two months, without contact, and started seeing a therapist, started exercising again, got through my hell-month at work. I tried reaching out again to her, multiple times after that ... but I never heard back. A few months went by - I missed her more and more, I didn't heal or get better, I didn't feel like I'd done the right thing. My friends told me I had, my family was supportive - my friends especially have told me time and time again that ultimately, I did the right thing, that I did what was right 'for me' ... but to me, the reassurance didn't matter. There was a giant, gaping hole in my life that I had no idea what to do with. This was a woman I had wanted to marry, that I had wanted to life with, to build and share a life with -> and at one point, I know she wanted the same. I felt so terrible, and couldn't handle the memories of the place I was in, that I resigned from my job (which was ok, it was a horrible grind, that while it paid ok, didn't have any kind of upward mobility) .. and after a lot of thought, I moved back across the country because it was too painful for me to be in that place, surrounded by the memories - living with the ghosts. My friend group had been slowly dispersing, getting new jobs in new cities, having kids and getting on with life - and I didn't see a reason to stay anymore. I debated reaching out to my ex to let her know I was moving - but it had been months without a word, she had not responded to any of my attempts to talk to her, to meet her even for coffee, or to return the few things of hers I still had - and I knew that if I did reach out - it would ultimately be a selfish act, hoping that somehow she might say 'oh no, he's leaving for good' ... so I didn't. I'm still not sure if she knows I left.
I've been saying with family, slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I'm taking classes, and plan on switching careers into a new field that I may actually am passionate about. I'll find my own place again in a month or two, but truth is I missed my family dearly, and have been helping both my aging parents with years of neglected repairs and yard work - and seeing my siblings and their families again after a decade of living on the opposite coast and getting to see them 'maybe' once a year around the holidays. Plus after paying insane rent to random landlords for over a decade, its been nice to have a few months of feeling grounded, and to put work into where I'm living. My family has been thrilled, and glad to have me around again.
But it's made no difference, really. I still think of her every day. Some days are easier than others, and I can manage to stay focused on classes and work and fitness - but in so many ways my life feels totally hollow now. I'm stuck wondering if I completely fucked up a good thing, and wasted what might have been my last shot at starting a family of my own, of having a real partner. I'm 41, realistically my chances get slimmer by the year. Or maybe I did totally the right thing, and I got out of a degenerating situation that had been nagging at me for months and months that something was deeply wrong. Or maybe it was somewhere in between those two poles. There's no way to know, and I'm limited to my own side, and my own perspective - and trapped in that middle ground of wondering how things "MIGHT" have gone had X Y or Z happened differently. I wish I had some kind of clarity, or certainty, but I don't.
I guess things are getting a bit easier, as the days and weeks and months go by - but its only by fractions of a degree. I miss her, or maybe just miss the person she used to be, if that person still exists. Head trauma is ... complicated - because the person looks the same, sounds the same ... but the person you knew, the person you fell in love with, isn't really the same person anymore. Its almost like, mourning the death of someone who is still alive, if that makes sense.
So here I am, taking it one day at a time, hoping for some brighter tomorrow, some slow healing or revelation or clarity that I did the right thing - but all I have are doubts. There's no closure to be found because all I ever got was silence. I've done everything people have recommended - focused on myself, focused on health and fitness, focus on learning new skills, on meeting new people, gone on dates, focused on family, focused on growing -> but it hasn't helped the giant, gaping hole in my life, and the never-ending uncertainty.
I expect no sympathy, or empathy ... and knowing reddit, I'll get a lot of people piling on to tell me what a piece of shit I am, lol'ing at how I fucked up my own life, and telling me she's better off without me. But then again sometimes even Reddit can surprise you with the insightful and thoughtful responses. More than anything, I just wanted to write this down somewhere, anywhere - to get it out of my head and my heart. Because the more it stews, the worse I feel. Thanks for reading, if you managed to make it this far.. its a long, messy, meandering story without any real ending. Will I hear from her again? Probably not. Will I get over her? Eventually I'm sure ... but what happens between now and then is anyone's guess. What ever it is, it'll happen on day, one moment at a time.
tldr; sometimes things just end - without someone cheating, or abusing the other person, or any real good way to sum it up. Life and relationships are long, complicated, nuanced and messy. Take care all, appreciate what you have while you have it, take it one day at a time

When I was preparing to take this course I wish I had a detailed review like this, so hope this helps...
General thoughts: I would be lying if I said this class is "easy." It's definitely not a class you can not study for at all and get perfect scores in. You need to put in the work. But it's not impossible, and definitely not as horrible as some people make it out to be.
Part 1 (Professor Ahmet Yildiz):
I went into the first section of the course thinking I'd need to memorize a bunch of amino acids, pKa's, etc.. There was not a lot of that. Yildiz is a professor who prefers application/conceptual understanding over brute force memorization. Take this with a grain of salt because the fall/other professors may have a different approach to the first section of 102. There is still quite a bit of info you need to memorize, but not to the extent people make it out to be.
His lectures are fairly dry. He did not know how to keep track of time/pace himself very well so he would often go thru only half a slide deck and need to pick back up during the next lecture. Thankfully he stuck to his word and did not expect us to learn info he didn't get to. Important to note that he has a fairly thick accent and talks quite fast so it can be difficult to catch every word he is saying at times. Nonetheless, his slides were pretty clear.
Exam was difficult but honestly not as bad as Ochem exams were for me. There's a mix of mcq, true/false, short answer, calculations, etc... The calculation questions were the hardest imo. Keep in mind he's a biophysicist so you'll see some of his physics background show up in the lectures & the way he frames his calculation-based questions. Regardless, the practice exam he gave from last year was definitely reflective of his exam.
He was the only professor to hold in-person office hours (helpful) and did stop for questions during lecture. Unfortunate part was that very little practice questions written by him were provided besides the practice exam.
Part 2 (Professor Evan Miller):
This section was quite content heavy, but was honestly my favorite section of the course. I attribute that to Miller's teaching. Miller is just amazing at what he does. He's super clear, succinct, articulate, knowledgable, and easy to follow along. His lectures pack in quite a lot of info but it never felt like that because he would annotate on his iPad alongside us as he taught. He always finished his lectures on time and was never in a rush. It's pretty obvious he has been doing this for a long time. He incorporated a lot of learning strategies in his section (active discussion/share-outs during lecture, pre/post surveys to assess student understanding, activities during discussion section, etc...).
Miller provided plenty of practice questions that were reflective/helpful for the exam. We received numerous problem sets, 2 practice exams, and practice questions built into the lecture. His exam was really long but because there was so many potential points - each question was not worth a whole lot (more room for mistakes). He was very upfront with his expectations and very helpful in office hours (held via Zoom).
Miller's section did incorporate some Ochem mechanisms but there were only 2-3 mechanisms on the exam. His section requires a combination of pattern recognition, memorization, and application. Very little to no math. After doing a bunch of practice questions you really get a feel for the type of questions he likes to ask.
Part 3 (Professor Ross Wilson):
People told me this section would be the easiest of the course. Not necessarily the case.
Professor Wilson is an extremely kind and easy-to-talk to/down-to-earth guy. He was always smiling, laughing, and making it easy to approach him. Nonetheless, his section's structure was not very helpful. Lectures were pre-recorded videos from 2020 that we were expected to watch on our own time. During the scheduled lecture time, Wilson would occasionally (on select days) show up to the lecture hall and do a Q&A / mini-review of the most recent lecture videos. Keep in mind these pre-recorded lectures were often an hour or longer. Wilson also stuttered/mumbled a lot. He would say something and then start questioning what he himself said or take something back. Or he would post a "correction" to something he said in the lecture videos. When people would ask questions during his in-person sessions, he would often get thrown off or not have a clear answer. I'm sure he's a smart guy but not necessarily the best teacher.
Wilson would provide really short assignments to complete (1-2 questions) but would then tell us that these questions were very hypothetical, not the best questions, too challenging, etc... Wilson constantly said he would not write such tricky questions on exams, but this wasn't necessarily the case. He was also constantly making comments about how he could have worded certain things better.
He was nice enough to provide ALL exams he's given while he's taught this course. He told us the most recent practice exam (2023) was going to be the most reflective, which was not 100% true because that exam was much much easier than ours and had questions straight up copy/pasted from previous years. Our exam was much harder than I expected it to be because the fill in the blank questions/MCQ's were each worth a lot of points. Getting one word or question wrong was quite costly. It was sometimes unclear what Wilson was asking for, or two answer choices seemed correct for the MCQ. It was kinda shocking because Wilson made it seem like his exam was going to be the easiest/ most straightforward when in reality it was quite challenging.
Content-wise, Wilson packed a LOT into his lectures. It was hard to sense what was essential info and what was more supplemental/examples. The way he structured his lectures often felt out of order. The man did provide an "elements to know" list with essential terms/concepts however, which did help.
I would argue part 3 was the hardest section of the course because of the structure/teaching style though Wilson is a hella chill guy.
Overall thoughts:
This course definitely takes foundational concepts from Bio 1A and builds on it (with some added Ochem ideas/principles and a bit of math).If you liked Bio 1A you will probably enjoy the course content. The professors were pretty decent but had 3 different teaching styles/course formats so I could see people getting lost with expectations/deadlines/assignments if they didn't attend class in-person. It would have been nice if things were consistent across the three sections.
One issue I had with the course was the lack of transparency regarding course grading. It took many weeks for the first exam to be graded and then the regrade process was a little chaotic. The professors never brought up grade bins during class nor was there anything about grades in the syllabus. I never knew how I was doing or what grade I might get in the class. People kept telling me that to get an A you had to do approx 1.5 stdv above average, which definitely caused some anxiety.
If you have to take this class I'd recommend it in the spring. For the spring semester, you get a 4x6 cheatsheet notecard for every exam (not always useful but still better than nothing). Lecture recordings are always provided (which I heard isn't the case for all 3 sections in the fall). The professors ended up being very generous with the final grade bins for the course. We weren't provided with final cutoffs, but the head GSI suggested that approx 60 percent of the class got some form of A's or B's.
I was fortunate enough to do well in the course, so here is my advice for future students... 1) Don't skip lecture/ always attend in-person! I never missed a single one so keeping up with the material was not an issue. It's super easy to get behind in this class yet significantly difficult to get back on track once you slip up 2) Attend professor OH: I did this off and on but when I did go they were helpful. 3) Go to all review sessions - I attended GSI review sessions, professor review sessions, and the SLC ones - you have nothing to lose by going (more exposure to material the better). 4) Grind out ALL the practice exams/problems provided. They are 100% the best way to prepare for exams. 5) Take good notes and actually review them frequently. 6) Make Quizlet or Anki your best friend: I used flashcards to prep for every section and studied them on the daily. 7) Ask questions on ED or during discussion section: GSI's are very kind & willing to help.
I used the textbook a little bit for part 1 (was somewhat helpful) and did not for parts 2 & 3. You don't need it, nor would I recommend going searching for Youtube videos. Lecture has everything you need. Oh, and there's no cumulative final! Midterm 3 (section 3 exam) happens during the allotted final exam time. Workload for the class is on the lighter side - just some problem sets that are graded on completion.
All in all, I actually enjoyed the course to some extent. It was definitely a rollercoaster of emotions / a challenging journey, but I think if you put in a lot of work/effort and remain positive - an A is not out of reach. This is not a Bio 1A/1B or Chem 1A where you can simply study the night before and still do amazing (all 3 exams had averages between 55 and 60 percent btw). But it's not at all the horrible class people scare you into thinking - it's likely easier than the physics series here and some upper div MCB courses. I wish people didn't make this class seem like it's straight out of a horror movie, but at the same time hearing people's experiences definitely pushed me to work harder.

I am a third-year USMD who took Step 1 on 4/19 after a 5-week dedicated period. Technically, I studied for 7 weeks since I started watching Sketchy Micro and Pathoma during the last two weeks of preclinicals when we were in our last and easiest block.
Per my title, I repeated my first year of medical school after experiencing academic and personal challenges. I was originally part of the class of 2025 but transitioned to the class of 2026 after a few course and remediation exam failures. Honestly, before I joined my current cohort, I was a horrible student with a very poor and fixed mindset - most of my grades were borderline passing, I had pretty much given up, and I was convinced that I was only capable of doing the absolute bare minimum in medical school. When my school told me I had to repeat, I was terrified and unsure if I would even make it out of MS1 the second time around, but was also determined to make the most out of this fresh start and build a strong content foundation which I had failed to do the first time. Over the next two years, I used a consistent study plan for all of my blocks which I not only passed, but excelled in including the ones I had failed previously. I also adopted a growth mindset and healthy coping mechanisms for stress and anxiety, and had a strong support system consisting of family, friends, upperclassmen who also repeated or had their own academic struggles, faculty, classmates, and a free therapist from my school.
Today, two years after I received the devastating news that I would have to start medical school over from the very beginning, my hard work finally paid off when I got the long-coveted P yesterday. Dedicated was not easy - there were several times when I felt hopeless and like I would fail especially given my previous academic history. Additionally, even though my academic performance improved significantly with me getting only 80s and 90s after I repeated, my classmates were so smart that rankings-wise, I was still a pretty average student with my grades usually around the class average - sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. Ultimately, a consistent study plan tailored to my strengths and what worked for me during preclinicals helped me overcome my worries and conquer this beast of an exam.
I realize that this post is getting pretty long now, so below I will quickly outline my resources, scores, and timeline:
UWorld: 24% complete with 60% average - this was after I reset UWorld which I had used in preclinicals. I also only did 1 block of 40 questions a day except on days when I took NBMEs because I took a long time to thoroughly review my blocks. I tried to do 2 blocks once and was completely burnt out afterwards so I stuck to only 1 block per day moving forward. All of my blocks were timed and random which I feel exposed me to many high-yield concepts and helped me with pacing.
Anki: I did the Pepper Sketchy Micro and Pharm decks during the first 3ish weeks of dedicated but eventually stopped. I also made my own Anki cards from my UWorld incorrect and "unsures" (questions I had answered correctly but didn't know why or completely understand) and did these cards every day until my exam.
Resources: First Aid - Read all sections concurrently with UWorld and Anki.
Boards and Beyond - Watched videos on weaknesses that I identified from UWorld.
Sketchy Micro and Pharm - Watched all videos. Micro is definitely essential as it helped me answer lots of microbio questions correctly.
Pixorize - Watched LSD/GSD and vitamin videos.
Pathoma - Watched and reread chapters 1-3. Lots of extremely high-yield information especially in general path, cell and molecular bio, and immuno.
Mehlman arrows and risk factor PDF documents - Only used these toward the end of dedicated once I had completed content review to further reinforce concepts.
NBME high-yield images - Only looked at these the day before my exam.
Having a good foundation from preclinicals after I repeated also really helped make dedicated more doable.
Scores: School-sponsored diagnostic CBSE (early March 2024) = 58
NBME 26 (3/23) = 61
NBME 28 (3/30) = 61 - This freaked me out so I started revisiting concepts I had already reviewed, but not completely mastered, alongside new content review.
NBME 29 (4/6) = 70 - I attribute this big score jump to the above strategy. I used FA, B&B, and Pathoma for this.
NBME 31 (4/13) = 73
NBME 30 (4/16) = 76
New Free 120 (4/17) = 77% correct
Real deal (4/19) = PASS!!! I felt confident and ready to take the exam after seeing an upward trend in my NBME scores and consistently getting scores within passing range. The exam itself was similar to NBMEs and free 120 and I was able to finish all my blocks with about 10 min left which I used to review my answers. Trust your NBMEs and don't worry too much about your UWorld %!!!
I'm sorry that this post is so long, but I wanted to share my experience with Step 1 and what helped me get the P especially since this subreddit was a huge help for me during dedicated. I also hope that my story serves as encouragement for other students who have either repeated a year or experienced any kind of academic difficulty. Please don't give up - you are not alone and do have what it takes to pass Step 1!!! ♥️
Congrats to everyone who also passed, and for those who didn't, you are still amazing and deserve to be here, and your time will come.

TLDR: I wanted to become something else but ended studying for teaching in kindergarten but can't give up for multiple reasons. Yet I want to pursue my dream still. How do i move on from here ?
Hello there. i'm on my first year of studying for a kindergarten teacher degree. A lil' backstory. I've through hell and back and managed to pass my country's big exams to get accepted into a public uni. I wanted to go to something illustration related, like graphic design (animation, concept arts etc), but because the only public one (not a rich family oriented person, i work to support us) is two hours away, rent is expensive and student residences provided from the university are hard to get (appliction forms fill immediately), i randomly chose some places and got accepted as a kindergarten teacher (basically the system here is studying some classes more advanced than the others , separated in branches and i picked the art one so had few choices). At first i was happy i got accepted. But then other stuff started getting into my head. One relative answered : " i thought you were stubborn and would fight more to get were you wanted" and other stuff. My experience doing the first microteaching was awfull due to lack of preparation (not in front of kids, fellow students THANK GOD) and i've been having these instances of getting pessimistic and wanting to give up. But here's the thing, i can't. It's my family's pressure and i don't want to go through hell again and possibly damage my future. Yes there is the possibility of keeping it as a hobby, but being a teacher is time consuming and i maybe won't have the time to do so. I want to go big with the illustration stuff so i don't know how this is going to happen. I want to do something like a comic/manga or do the concept art of something and maybe expand from there in other stuff. I have a life in front of me, again i know, but i'm scared and don't want to not waste my youth on my dream but do so in teaching (if that makes sense). I like kids in general but i'm a bit introverted so idk how this is going to work. Can someone help me swallow my pride/delusion/whatever and deal with it and cope ? Or at least some tips...?
If any mistakes in grammar and or spelling happened, i apologise as English is not my first language
Thanks, Those who had succeeded in becoming true kindergarten teachers You deserve everything

(Yes, the creators already did this, but I wanted to try reproducing their results.)
First of all, there's definitely still issues with the dataset.

1. Questions mostly have 10 possible answers, but some have fewer "to remove unreasonable choices". This is supposed to be done by actually having <10 answers (I assume), but in some cases questions are padded with N/A at the end multiple times. Removing N/A from the end of the options list until only one existed resulted in removing 3314 options from the test. AFAIK N/A is never the correct answer to any question (I checked).
2. Some questions are duplicates. I kept only the first instance encountered. This removed 86 questions from the test. I didn't check if their answer options were also duplicates.
3. Some questions have duplicate answer options (i.e. A and C or whichever being the same answer). As this is obviously incorrect I removed these questions from the test. This removed ~400 questions. It should be pretty easy to fix these but I didn't want to spend more time.
4. Some questions are impossible to answer as they're missing info.
   • For example, question ID 2668 is "Which of the following scans can image brain function?" but it does not give further details, and the answer options are things like "I, II and III only".
   • I only noticed one of these but I'm pretty sure there are more.
5. Some questions have very bad formatting, like 11797:
   • \textquotedblleftNew business firms can under price older firms, because thenewer firms can buy the latest equipment and are not bur-denedwith the older, less economical equipment which olderfirms must retire before they can economically adopt thenew. This is why continued technological progress contributesto maintaining a competitive economic system." Explain the er-rors in both sentences.
   • Smarter models will probably do better on things like this, but I don't think the formatting is intentional.

For my first run, I used temperature 0.2 (they used 0.1) and this system prompt:

You are a knowledgeable expert. When given a multiple choice question, think it through then give your single final answer as The answer is ....

Here is their system prompt:

You are an knowledge expert, you are supposed to answer the multi-choice question to derive your final answer as The answer is ....

I'm not a fan of the phrasing, but more importantly in my preliminary testing I noticed that GPT-4o interpreted it to mean that it could give multiple answers. My "single final answer" was intended to prevent that. This mostly worked, but when answering questions that involved a lot of LaTeX in the CoT it would sometimes format the answer using LaTeX, making regex matching unreasonably hard. (I didn't fix those, scoring them as failures.)
For my second run, I used temperature 0.5 (which OpenAI uses in their simple-evals repo) and this system prompt:

Answer the following multiple choice question. The last line of your response should be of the following format: 'Answer: ($LETTER)' (without quotes) where LETTER is a single one of the options. Think step by step before answering.

This is based on this prompt from OpenAI's evals. OpenAI's says to pick one of "ABCD" but I was too lazy to generate that dynamically so I changed it a bit. It seems to work well. I used the regex Answer\s*:\s*\(\$?([A-Ja-j])\) to capture the answer.
If the model's output didn't seem to give an answer at all I manually checked it. This was:

• Mostly GPT-4o saying that none of the answers are correct
• Sometimes the model entering an infinite loop until it ran out of output space
• A few times the model giving a numeric answer, often one that had no correspondence to possible answers. Scored as a failure.
• A few times very slightly bad formatting that my regex didn't match. If the answer it gave was correct I manually fixed it, on the rationale that a slightly better regex could have caught it, otherwise I left it alone (since it wouldn't affect the score either way).

Here are the results I got, plus the original results from TIGER Lab @ UWaterloo.

Models	Prompting	Overall	Biology	Business	Chemistry	ComputerScience	Economics	Engineering	Health	History	Law	Math	Philosophy	Physics	Psychology	Other
GPT-4o (TIGER Lab)	CoT	0.7149	0.8504	0.7852	0.7428	0.7512	0.784	0.5401	0.7152	0.6718	0.5393	0.762	0.6947	0.7355	0.7726	0.7091
GPT-4o (my first run)	CoT	0.7100	0.8441	0.7802	0.7502	0.7404	0.7763	0.5740	0.7061	0.6761	0.5753	0.7901	0.6760	0.7349	0.7611	0.7117
GPT-4o (my second run)	CoT	0.7113	0.8441	0.7725	0.7628	0.7506	0.7662	0.5584	0.6964	0.6641	0.5597	0.7772	0.6474	0.7378	0.7445	0.7041

So I'd say the results themselves are basically "yep, that sure is how it scores". I don't know if my overall scores are actually slightly worse or if it's the effect of removing almost 500 questions from a 12.3k question dataset.
Total cost: maybe $160 based on token counts, messed up cost tracking at first.
The second run had approx 2.17M input tokens and 5.04M output tokens. Naively scaling this to other models (without actually using their tokenizers, and assuming they'll give identical output lengths) gives these approximate prices:

• Claude 3 Opus: $410
• GPT-4-0314: $367
• GPT-4-32k-0314: $608

I don't intend to run those.
I'll post the inputs/outputs of both runs if anyone knows a good place to upload password-protected zips (to avoid accidental scraping, since everything posted to reddit is trained on).