Okay, hope this helps one or three people.
I have been struggling for YEARS. Now, I’ve made a LOT of progress in this time. My life is WAY better. But, I still struggle in ways I KNOW are unnecessary.
Having been a long time student of philosophy, Eastern religion, mysticism (though I’m a skeptical atheist, there are babies in the bath water) psychology, pop-psychology, self help, healing modalities etc etc. literally several hundred books.
I was asking myself “what’s going on? Why do I have ALL the answers and yet, here I am, still struggling.” I was extraordinarily intent on getting “the” answer.
I did a low-ish dose of mushrooms and went to the park and was just intently asking this question over and over.
Then it hit me. It’s SO fucking simple. I share the insight in hopes that a couple people will “get it” and be able to escape the apparent trap that resembles what I am in. I saw it all at once, but have to share it in a few “facts”.
Warning: this is not pleasant. I couldn’t believe I “wasted” over half a lifetime ignoring these things, when they are SO obvious.
Facts:

1. The universe/reality doesn’t care. It doesn’t know you exist. It is just being as it is. Full stop.

This means it’s not “on your side” it’s not “against you” it’s just there being. When acted upon, it will react according to its nature, every fucking time. The universe is NOT a “problem” and it’s not an “opportunity” it JUST IS.

1. There isn’t an option that doesn’t exist for you. There are myriad options for you. And all of them exist.

Now you might say “but, if I had a million dollars to start a business, I could succeed”. But, if you don’t have the million, then this isn’t an option, by definition. It simply isn’t. It doesn’t exist. Thus, each apparent option that you don’t have is simply a thought, an idea, a DENIAL OF FACT ONE.
When you don’t want to acknowledge fact one, you create thoughts about non-existent options. You create a world that doesn’t exist as an escape mechanism from the ruthless fact above.
If an option exists, it does. If it doesn’t, it exists as mere thought. Period.

1. For each extant option there are things you can do to bring it about. If there isn’t something you can do to make it real, it isn’t an option.

Formulating “if I could only _. Then I could have __” is an avoidance mechanism of the above fact, fact 2.
If you don’t know what to do, the action is to find out. This is, of course, an action.
If there isn’t anything you can do about it, it is NOT an option for you. Really.
(Warning, it’s about to get real, you will be triggered)

1. Each action has an emotional price tag. There is a way you will feel when you take the action. Often, it won’t be a feeling you want to feel.

You may see that you should “call X and ask Y” and immediately you feel trepidation. The feeling is the price tag for the action that will bring about the desired condition.
It is the emotion unwillingness to experience this feeling that prevents you from acting. Full stop.
When you decide not to act, because you don’t want to feel the way you will feel, this is an avoidance and denial mechanism of the above fact, fact 3.

1. Unwillingness to pay the emotional price is the cause of confusion and delusion.

There is a simplicity to this “I want X, I must therefore do Y and I will feel Z”. But when you are unwilling to pay the emotional price, you try to concoct ways around feeing Z. These are increasingly indirect and convoluted.
This, you guessed it, is the denial of fact 4.
It is so painfully simple, do the thing, have the condition. Don’t, and you won’t.

1. Whatever you do, you become, instantly. If you want to be a “runner” you must simply run. If you want to be a painter, you must paint.

Whatever you want to “be” you must do. Example: want to be “brave” you must do the thing you fear. You don’t have to “get rid of the fear” first, in fact, if you did that successfully and then took the same action, you would NOT be brave.
There are a myriad intentions and motives within you, the ones you act on determines what you are. If you act on the faint call to be kind, you are a kind person.
Not acting on the thing you want, is a denial of the above fact, fact 5.

1. Any thought or action, repeated, get easier (relative to conditions) and repeated often enough it will be easier to do it than to not. This is what a “habit” is.

So, if you want to be a runner, you must run. And, it will be “hard” which is to say there will be a high initial price tag. This price will lower each time the process is repeated. Eventually the emotional price for running will be less then that of not running. Now, you will “identify” as a runner, or painter, singer etc.
The dark side of this is that the fact is neutral. So, if you repeat avoidance and denial as outlined above, this will be how you see yourself, and this will be your life. This IS YOUR LIFE. (if you struggle as I have.)
This is both the source and the result of the denial of the fact above.

1. One of the primary drives of a human is to be “self consistent”. This is a force that will operate to change your view of reality, so that you don’t feel the discomfort of “being wrong”

So, when you start to “see yourself” as a runner it creates a desire to run, so that you won’t feel the “pain” of self inconsistency. Of course, if you forego the the same force will work to make you avoid running.
This is why you are the person you are, the good aspects and the bad. It’s an impersonal fact of being human. It’s the “hardware” you have. However you show up in the world is the “software”.
The failure to be the person you want to be is the denial of fact 7, repeated.

1. You are going to die. Sorry to be the one to tell you, but at some point which you may infuence but not decide, this will be all over and the reality you perceive will no longer exist. Others will be left, themselves waiting to die.

What you do between now that moment IS YOUR LIFE. Your ONE AND ONLY LIFE.
You are alive now and you have many options. FAR more than you could ever become aware of. What you do about the above facts regarding the condition of your life is your life. What you have done prior to this moment is only information stored in your mind.
This is urgent.
The denial of this fact underlies the denial of all the others. If you felt the actual urgency, you would pick an option appealing to you and act.

1. The process of applying the above facts is truly LIVING rather than waiting to die.

Think about the times you have really felt alive. See that you were in alignment with the above facts. Think of the good parts of life, this is why they are good.
Likewise the aspects of your life that suck, you will find the above delusions at play. And the lows in your life will be times you were mired in the delusions.
I’m sure most people are trying to find the exceptions, which may indeed exist. You can do everything right and get hit by a bus. (Bonus fact)
Still, I would propose to you that the reason you are seeking the exceptions in the first place is to be “self consistent” and to not feel as you would were you to acknowledge them.
The search for the exceptions IS YOUR DELUSION at work.
I know this is harsh, but it’s meant with love. Really. You have ti accept your human-ness and let go the mistakes up til now. Forgive yourself. Be willing to pay the emotional price and if you feel sad, or like me, angry at yourself this is simply you paying the emotional price, in real time. You’re doing the right thing!
Now what? That’s for you to decide. Decide what you want and pick an action you are currently willing to pay the price for and. DO IT. Repeat.
If you don’t know what you want, then the first action is to make a decision.
Figure out what you want, find an action you can do and are willing to pay the price for an do it. Repeat. This is ALWAYS the answer.
This is truly living instead of waiting to die.
I hope someone that reads this decides to live!
Oh, and be patient with yourself. It takes as long as it takes and you don’t get to decide this. All you get to decide is whether or not you will truly LIVE while you’re alive.
Love you all, I swear.

I need help figuring out wether my build will have any bottle necks or incompatibly issues, specialy with the motherboard, as I'm the less sure about it. *I will be buying a windows key on keysfan to save money in case that effects anything, this will also my time building a PC.
PCPartPicker Part List

Type	Item	Price
CPU	AMD Ryzen 9 7950X 4.5 GHz 16-Core Processor	$509.99 @ MemoryC
CPU Cooler	Cooler Master MasterLiquid ML360L ARGB V2 62 CFM Liquid CPU Cooler	$99.99 @ Newegg
Motherboard	ASRock B650M Pro RS WiFi Micro ATX AM5 Motherboard	$149.99 @ Newegg
Memory	Kingston FURY Beast RGB 128 GB (4 x 32 GB) DDR5-5200 CL40 Memory	$447.15 @ Amazon
Storage	Western Digital Black SN850X 4 TB M.2-2280 PCIe 4.0 X4 NVME Solid State Drive	$299.99 @ Amazon
Video Card	NVIDIA Founders Edition GeForce RTX 4090 24 GB Video Card	$1984.90 @ Amazon
Case	*Deepcool CH370 MicroATX Mid Tower Case	$59.41 @ Amazon
Power Supply	SeaSonic FOCUS Plus Gold 1000 W 80+ Gold Certified Fully Modular ATX Power Supply	$129.99 @ Amazon
Operating System	Microsoft Windows 11 Home OEM - DVD 64-bit	$109.99 @ Amazon
Monitor	Asus ROG Swift OLED PG27AQDM 26.5" 2560 x 1440 240 Hz Monitor	$899.00 @ ASUS
	Prices include shipping, taxes, rebates, and discounts
	Total	$4690.40
	*Lowest price parts chosen from parametric criteria
	Generated by PCPartPicker 2024-05-16 12:15 EDT-0400

Bertazzoni range hood, model KU30PRO1XV. The manual simply states that the bulb type is LED. I emailed Bertazzoni for the bulb type and they said they couldn’t answer my questions because the hood is out of warranty. FFS! Can’t figure out how to remove the bulbs either. I’ve tried gently applying pressure to unscrew but they won’t budge. Am I supposed to use some specialty three pronged tool to insert into the three slots around the inner groove? The manual offers this useless paragraph on LAMP REPLACEMENT: The hood has a LED lamp, take care to not touch with hands when you replace it. Use a dry and not greasy protection (for example a cloth) in order to avoid a direct contact with skin that could make the lamp break. Never use lamps with wattage higher than the one shown on the label inside the hood. Grateful for any advice on how to remove or identify these bulbs! Thanks!

TLDR: Why did low dose Estrogen make me feel flat and depressed, but higher dose has me feeling euphoric?
I identify as gender fluid and just wanted to look a bit more feminine.
Februry 2023: Started .5mg sublingual Estradiol just made me feel "off" and foggy. Then tried patches at .05mg and same result.
My 4th provider I visited trained with Dr. Will Powers and said she wanted to try a different protocol with me.
So now it's 2mg sublingual Estradiol with Bicalutamide in the morning, then 2mg estradiol swallowed at night with progesterone. I also have Rx Finesteride but haven't tried that one yet out of fear of side effects.
But this morning I woke up SUPER euphoric and I can't figure out why. Why have I been sluggishly trying to make it through this past year with low dose Estrogen feeling defeated and that I wouldn't be able to do HRT and then all of a sudden it's BAM this is amazing! ...but I'm also not convinced that this is going to last and that crushing depression is just around the corner (didn't really have any mood issues prior to HRT)

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GLOSSARY This links to a post on the free section of my Patreon. Note: "Book 1" is chapters 1-59, "Book 2" is chapters 60-133, "Book 3", is 134-193, "Book 4" is CH 194-(ongoing)
Fuyuko, Derek, and Shizoku spent most of a day dealing with their accumulated gains and preparing for their first day of exploration. Shizoku spent a fair amount of that evening's time communing with Bip, her slime familiar. She needed to adjust what spells she had at the ready for dealing with a wetlands environment.
While she was studying her grimoire, Derek and Fuyuko were preparing more physical means of dealing with the wetlands. Most of their work had been dealt with by trading the boat for three pairs of proper swamp boots, but the footwear needed a little adjusting and resizing for each of them.
The over boots were a combination of different techniques for dealing with different sorts of mud, with the base being a raised wooden sole that 'winged' out to resist sinking further into soft mud that was deeper than the ridges raised the sole. These were attached to oiled leather over boots that were useful for wading. The wooden soles were detachable for prolonged wading where they would provide a hindrance.
Derek could reshape the wooden portion to match their feet exactly, and reshape metal fittings if needed, but leather and cloth needed manual adjustment. Given how long they were planning on using these for, it was important to make them fit as perfectly as possible to prevent blisters and sores, even with their normal footwear underneath the boots.
They began their exploration by using the mapping tools they had won in the library to learn the layout of the swamp near the town. It didn't take them long to realize that some of the islands moved very slowly, and Derek was able to use his elemental talents to investigate, leading to the disturbing realization that under the right conditions, mud could have currents and flows.
Shizoku's magic wasn't quite as effective as she would have liked, for most of it was designed to work in other environments. Magic designed to hide your tracks and traces didn't prevent you from making them in the first place, and so did not keep you from sinking into mud. She did have a spell designed to make traversal through any terrain safe and easy, but it didn't last very long and was best reserved for crossing smaller sections of really bad terrain.
Spells used for manipulating and altering plants could also provide small bridges, but these were limited by the strength of the nearby plants. Generally speaking, they were better for clearing plants out of the way.
These difficulties were inspiring ideas of future spells to research, but that required more time than just the little bit of rest they got each day.
Derek's powers were more consistent and easier to use repeatedly or for long periods, but the effects tended to not be as dramatic as the witch's spells. He could make the mud firmer or softer to a degree, but he couldn't create a solid path out of flowing silt for even a few minutes.
Fuyuko found that her long limbs and greater strength allowed her to move easier through the swamp then her friends could, just by virtue of being able to apply more force and leverage. This was why she was leading the way, Derek found it difficult to monitor the details of the mud around them while also working to firm it up constantly, and it was easiest for Fuyuko to cope with any sudden changes that Derek wasn't able to compensate for.
Their outward journey each day was mostly limited by Derek's stamina, and when he was approaching his limits they would use a combination of their maps and Shizoku's divination magics to find the best route back. Such spells required some precision in defining a destination, so they were not very useful when you didn't have a concrete destination in mind.
Because the trio were taking their time to be thorough and to explore all possibilities, it didn't take long for them to begin finding all the bounties that the swamp held in store for them. Shizoku was able to find plants with medical and alchemical uses, though she had to consult the tomes that she had stored in Bip's memories as wetland plants were not very familiar to her. Once she had identified any specific plant, she could give it to Fuyuko as a sample and the luponi could use her better senses to find more of that plant.
Fuyuko also caught the scent of some mud that was strangely familiar, and after she and Derek dug out some of the intensely colored clay, Shizoku was able to recognize it was a valuable type of clay used for making prized teapots and other pottery. This explained why the scent had been familiar to Fuyuko, as Kazue had been excited to introduce her to Cimbu and the fourteen-year-old had been fascinated by the ability to make the little clay dragon spit water without any magic involved and sometimes made some tea just to have an excuse to play with the tea pet and make him spit. Well, once she'd been shown how; tea wasn't something she'd had much experience with before.
Claiming the clay was more problematic. However much they might be able to claim in their explorations and bring back to town, there were only so many other explorers they could trade with as everyone had a limit to how much stuff they could physically haul out. In the end they decided on a single large sack of clay that would be stored in Fuyuko's spatially expanded backpack.
Derek did most of the work of 'mining' the clay, during which they made another discovery: Opals. There weren't an outrageous number of them, but they were decent-sized and high quality. These became a higher priority target than the clay itself, though they kept that too.
The teens didn't forget the lessons they'd been given about the previous level and wanted to fish here too. However, the water was murky in the places it was deep enough to possibly have fish, making it more difficult to know where the fish were.
It was only after they talked with people back at the town that they learned about fish traps, and set about making those. Specifically, eel traps. The eels were prized for both their skin and their flesh. Their skin was both durable and supple and came in a wide variety of colors and patterns, and their flesh was sweeter than most varieties found out in the world. As soon as they learned how to make and set eel traps, those were added to their routine during their explorations.
Their travels throughout the swamp also brought them to many of the scattered 'monster homes' throughout the swamp, including the time that Fuyuko nearly stepped on a kobold enjoying a nice relaxing mud bath. It was a shock for all three of them as none knew about the relatively recent acquisition of the small, scaled race.
Shizoku was fine with the kobold after she got over her shock, but she did less well when they met the crabbit, who was so kind as to sing for them. Not that any of them found the sight of the interior of the 'mouth' to be less than disturbing, but the effect on the little kitsune was profound as she tightened her lips into a forced smile despite the panic showing clearly in the lines and tension around her eyes. She did well enough to keep her reaction under control that the inhabitants chose to ignore it rather than call her out on it, which would have knocked down their standing in the witch's evaluation.
After about a week, they decided that their mapping and exploration of the swamp was about as good as it was going to get. It was time to approach the witch's hut that they'd avoided previously. The Fairy Witch was in a strange, almost manic mood and the trio quickly found out she was obsessed with creating new musical sounds.
"Alright kids," Carmilla said, "you want to pass my swamp? You have to help me out here. Look, the bards I've gotten my hands on have been great and all, even pretty damn creative. But I think I need something from people who don't know as much about music. Here's my workshop, I don't care if it's a new instrument or a new way of playing an old instrument, a different sort of harmony, or whatever. Gimme something new, and you can use anything you want here, the good stuff is in another building. Bah, this lot." She glared at a group of distant figures. "They're boring, won't even respond to me flirting with them, and not a musical bone in their bodies. Well, time to play the part. Have fun in there, but I don't really want to see you again until you got something for me."
The only one of them with any musical training at all was Shizoku, but it had never been something she'd pursued on her own. That left them somewhat aimlessly poking around the workshop and messing around with instruments they found, many of which were obviously experiments that were only finished enough to test.
That did eventually prove to be enough for inspiration. A large lute was laying on top of a narrow table, and Derek frowned thoughtfully at it. "I think I remember seeing something once that looked a little like that, but smaller. Like, it had a long board with a bunch of strings, way more than the lute, but the strings were on the top sort of like the lute, and it had a folding stand so that it sat on the ground. The lady who played it was set up in the square and taking tips, I guess to help pay her way? I don't know where she was traveling to or from, I only saw her once. I remember it being nice, but I don't remember what it sounded like exactly."
That was enough to start the ball rolling. "I think I know that one," Shizoku said, "Gran Gran has one tucked away. I don't think I've seen her play it though. Hmm. Well, she wants something new to her, and I don't think it's portable enough that most people are going to lug one down here, so maybe we can do that. I don't know how to tune without a tuning fork. Wait, Fuyuko, you have sharp ears, think you can figure out proper notes and a scale? "
Fuyuko looked at her blankly. "Um? I don't know, what does it involve?"
Shizoku gave her a quick rundown of how notes relate to each other with harmonies and gave an example by singing a few notes that were close to each other. "So like that, but cleaner. Only, we are supposed to be creative, and I know that there are different scales." She chewed on the idea for a little while more, thinking out loud while the others asked questions.
They agreed that the first step was going to be having a sounding box for the body, once Shizoku explained that was how the instrument amplified sound. Though that meant figuring out the size. Derek suggested that he try to make it as big as Carmilla could play. She wasn't as tall as Fuyuko, but she was pretty tall and had long arms and fingers.
The table seemed like a perfect frame to start with, even if they were going to destroy it, and the three of them set about scavenging the other instruments for parts. They snacked on strips of dried eel when they needed to take a break, and by evening they had a crude sound box built into what had once been the table. Even with Derek's wood-shaping skills, they were having trouble getting the salvaged parts to fit smoothly together into a single box with enough resonance.
Udup, the witch's shadow drake familiar, came out to check on them, and after getting a report on their progress offered to fetch them some food if they wanted to camp out here instead of trekking to town and back. The teens agreed that was the better idea, and it allowed them to tinker with ideas until they turned in for the night.
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Also to be found on Royal Road.
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$3. : 10 Early chapters, lore excerpts $5. : 20 Early chapters, Short Stories $10 : 30+ Early chapters, New stories not published anywhere else (Until after I finish this story at least) . . . . . "A Girl and Her Dungeon", "The Celestine Fox", and AU Core 1: "Coreless"

Hello everyone. My husband and I have an 11 year old Jack Russell/Rat Terrier mix who has developed severe noise phobia/anxiety in the past few years. He has always been an anxious dog and he has struggled with separation anxiety ever since I got him (10 years ago).
We first noticed in back in 2020 when I started working from home full time. It started gradually, with him getting upset when I would get a notification on my phone while on a phone call. We assumed this was because a lot of times it was someone texting to say they had dropped something off and he grew to associate that noise with someone being at our apartment door. The noise my phone makes is high pitched and only happens when I am on a call and I get a text message. We have never been able to figure out how to change it and even after I got a new phone from the same manufacturer the same noise was used.
We moved late in 2020 and over the course of the following years we began to notice more and more noises that our dog was becoming scared of. There is a high pitched ding that is used in a lot of shows that was the first major culprit we noticed. It's commonly used as a scene transition or when a character has an idea. Once we identified this new noise we made an effort to switch what we were watching whenever it happened to help our dog calm down.
It progressed again from here in the past year or so. Now even hearing an elevator ding in shows and movies will set him off. The list of shows and movies we can watch has been drastically reduced. You would be amazed how many shows occasionally have SOMETHING that makes a high pitched/electronic/chime noise. Even if we change the show he will be so on edge and upset for the rest of the evening that there is nothing we can do but sit in complete silence. We have to take him outside just to turn the air purifier off to clean it because it beeps when you turn it off/on. We had to download an app to control our ceiling fan because the remote makes a beeping sound when we turn it off/on.
To give some context on what we are seeing when he gets upset: physically flinching when he hears the noise, urinating inside, panting, pacing, shaking (INTENSELY), chewing, barking, trying to hide (anywhere and everywhere - including places where he has almost gotten himself hurt), whimpering, trying to get away from us (on walks or when we were sitting together) and complete refusal to eat. We have offered him all of his favorite treats and bought new ones to try and bribe him with but he is so upset he won't do more than sniff them.
Just this morning we discovered a new problem sound. We got him a little doorbell to push to tell us when he wants to go outside. We just have a ring doorbell so he isn't reactive to the classic doorbell chime and this one came with a wide variety of sounds to try. He is smart as can be and we know he will figure this out without a problem, but as soon as he heard the sound effects (and we tried all of them) he started to get upset. I was able to bribe him with hot dogs for a few minutes to try and convince it was okay, but even with the volume on its lowest setting we only got about 5 minutes of positive reinforcement before he was done and went to hide in our cat's litter box.
Things we have tried:
Vet Visit - Our vet did senior blood work that came back looking great! He was also given a basic exam and there was nothing our vet identified as a potential problem. She did suggest that his hearing could be changing and as such new noises could be starting to be a lot more upsetting to him.
CBD - At the encouragement of our vet. This was completely ineffective even after several days at the max dose for his size. No improvement whatsoever in his reaction to the noise.
Gabapentin - He is currently taking this twice a day at a low starting dose that our vet prescribed. We are waiting on a call back from our vet about getting him a higher dose because the low dose isn't helping much. We have noticed a little bit of improvement but overall he is still just as reactive. The other issue with this is that sometimes he hears something that upsets him in the morning/evening before we have given him his meds and then he won't even consider eating his pill no matter what delicious treat it is wrapped up in.
Crate - He is crate trained and goes in his crate happily (especially because he always gets a treat for going in). We have tried having him go upstairs in his crate which is as far from the living room as possible but even then if he hears the noise he will go ballistic in his crate. It's to the point we are scared he will hurt himself trying to get out of it. (Have not been able to try this in combination with calming drugs yet)
Thundershirt - This barely helps. It's one that in conjunction with the gabapentin we feel like there was a slighter faster calm down time after hearing one of the bad sounds. He was still upset and shiver shaking but he definitely wasn't as bad as we have seen him in the past
Positive Reinforcement - We can't find a volume low enough that he can tolerate the sound. We are big believers in positive reinforcement but no matter how soft the sound is he gets very upset and will refuse to take a treat. (Have not been able to try this in combination with calming drugs yet)
Physical Restraint - We realize this probably wasn't the best route but early on, and occasionally still when we are desperate to just finish a movie or episode before turning the TV off for the night, we will hold him and make him stay on the couch. Once he gets up to start pacing he has to be watched to keep him from messing with litter boxes, hiding somewhere unsafe, peeing inside, and being destructive so we can't really just keep watching. Weirdly sometimes this helps but most of the time as soon as we let him go he starts shaking and freaking out.
Combining the noise with something he likes - We have tried playing the noise on very low volume while on a walk. He actually tried to get out of his harness in response to some sounds but we did find a couple that were only mildly upsetting and he tolerated. The REALLY bad noises though were off limits regardless of volume. (Have not been able to try this in combination with calming drugs yet)
We love our little guy but we can't live like this and we don't want him to live with this much fear. I'm not proud of it but I will admit we have yelled at him more lately because we are so frustrated with the situation. We always feel terrible for raising our voices but it's really hard when we never feel like we can relax because he is always so on edge. It's not that we have yelled every time or anything like that but it's happened a couple times in the past week. We really need help figuring out what to do because we feel like we are going crazy.
Things we are adding to the plan:
Clicker training - I did this with him after I first adopted him at about a year old. He responded well to it but it didn't stick as part of our training since it didn't feel necessary. I'm hoping if I can help him form a really positive association with the clicker it may be enough to counteract the bad noises.
Ear coverings - We ordered a couple of different ear protecting options for him to try out. He tolerated me putting them on him this morning but it wasn't enough to counteract the bad doorbell device. These are the two we got him: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0CM6SKTPY/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1 and https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B0I5Z2O?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details&th=1
Additional calming aids - We consulted with a trainer a long time ago about some general anxiety issues and they recommended trying these: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BGV8L7L2?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details so we ordered some and will be starting them today. We also ordered these https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077MDJ58Y?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details&th=1 which our dog promptly determined were disgusting and he won't eat them.

I don’t see any recent accounts on how to get a botox treatment in Toronto so I figured this could be useful for some folks. I got my first botox treatment with Dr. Jennifer Anderson at St. Michael’s yesterday - all in all the process took about 2 years, but could have been faster if I had been more on top of scheduling appointments and following up. (My RCPD symptoms are pretty mild so I wasn’t THAT motivated to move this along, and I also am generally wimpy about hospitals and medical procedures so I procrastinated scheduling some of tests and procedures).
I started with just my local walk-in clinic (Royal Care at College and Spadina), since I don’t have a family doctor. The doctor there had actually heard of RCPD so that was good, but he had me try heartburn medication first. I dutifully did that and went back and reported it had no effect, he then referred me to a gastroenterologist - Dr. Moskovitz.
Dr. Moskovitz is a real nice guy, high energy, a bit of fast talker. He also had me try the heartburn meds as a first step, (even though I said I had already tried that), after I confirmed that doesn’t work he scheduled me for an endoscopy to look inside my throat. This was done at Humber River Hospital and I was fully sedated for it since its a big camera tube down your esophagus (ugh). Even just getting the IV inserted for the sedation drugs freaked me out quite a bit (did I mention I am a wimp?) but this was pretty easy all told. The sedation drug Propofol is amazing, I was out like a light and woke up somewhere else in the hospital feeling like nothing had happened, no side effects.
After Moskovitz confirmed there was nothing visually wrong with my throat, he finally agreed to refer me to Dr. Anderson at St. Michael’s for RCPD botox treatment (yay!). He knew that Dr. Anderson is the only person doing this treatment in Toronto.
At my first appointment at Dr. Anderson’s clinic, one of Anderson’s assistants put a small camera tube up my nose (with numbing spray). It felt weird but was generally tolerable, and I was able to see my own throat on the screen! (We are full of throbbing pink flesh its so gross). She tried to put it further down into my throat but that activated my hair-trigger gag reflex and I reflexively pushed her away. (I REALLY don’t like gagging, haha). I apologized profusely, but my gag reflex really is that strong. She said that was ok for now, and had me schedule another appointment, the Manometry test.
Hoo boy. This is the bad one. The esophageal manometry test is where they (try to) put a small tube up your nose and then all the way down your throat, and then the tube records how well your swallowing muscles work. You’re supposed to swallow liquids while this tube is all the way down your esophagus! Just like the last time, I was ok with the tube in my nose, but as soon as it started touching the back of my throat my gag reflex kicked in and I reflexively pulled away. He tried again with my head against the wall, and as soon as I started gagging I reflexively RAN AWAY across the room, pulling the tube out. The guy agreed that it looked like I wouldn’t be able to complete the test, haha. I am really flabbergasted that anyone is capable of doing this test, with my gag reflex I found it completely intolerable. My friend is also going through this process and said she was crying and gagging the whole time during this test, just awful. I recommend trying to skip this one if you have a strong gag reflex.
I called Dr. Anderson’s clinic and told them I was unable to do the manometry test. They said that was OK, there was one more test that could tell them about my swallowing performance, the Barium Swallow. This one is a cakewalk compared to the others, you just swallow some fizzy water, then lie down on this contraption that moves around while you take sips of some radioactive sludge, so they can record how the sludge moves down your throat. A little uncomfy and weird at times but in general quite easy, no tubes in you at all.
So, finally the tests were all done and I had my first actual meeting with the famous Dr. Jennifer Anderson! She walked me through what the botox procedure would entail and what side effects there could be, like heartburn and trouble swallowing for a few weeks. She said I was now free to call and schedule my botox appointment, which I then procrastinated doing for 5 months because I really didn’t like the sound of a needle going into my throat, haha.
Finally, I did schedule the appointment and had it done yesterday! I was pretty nervous about it but it wasn’t toooo bad. I did have to pay $234 for 50 units of botox out of pocket (my first expense in this whole process, thanks Canadian health care system!)
The actual botox procedure went as follows - Dr. Anderson had me lie down and injected freezing into my neck - it was weird feeling liquid suddenly appear in my esophagus that I hadn’t swallowed. That froze up the sensation in my esophagus, so coughing and swallowing felt really weird. Then I just had to relax and stop trying to swallow while she inserted the botox needle. To make sure the needle is in the right spot I had to sniff a few times - there’s an instrument that tells her if the needle is in the airway or the correct muscle. This was a bit nerve-wracking for me because I had such an urge to swallow but I was not supposed to. Dr. Anderson was really great throughout the procedure explaining what was happening, and did help me relax by telling me how to breathe. And finally, it was done! The actual botox part didn’t take more than a minute or two in reality. Again, I’m a wimp so it felt like a big deal but it really wasn’t.
My understanding is that Dr. Bastian in Chicago does the botox procedure while you are under general anaesthesia, which is interesting to me… doesn’t seem like something that would really warrant it given how quick and painless it is. I suppose if you were even more anxious than me about your throat it might be necessary. Also, going to Dr. Bastian costs $4000 plus travel, so if you’re Canadian it makes much more financial sense to just jump through the hoops to get it done here. If you stay on top of your appointments and advocate for yourself I think you could get it done in a year and a half, maybe under a year if you are lucky. Don’t be afraid to request Dr. Anderson by name! It seems to be that this is still considered experimental therapy here so they insist on lots of tests to rule out any other possible issues, but some tests (like the infernal manometry) seem unnecessary to me.
So here I am on day 2, Dr. Anderson said the botox takes a few days to take effect so not much has happened yet, just swallowing solid food feels a little slow now… fingers crossed I get some burps soon!
Good luck on your journey fellow no-burpers!!!

I had a presumed ectopic pregnancy last week from an FET transfer. I had a total of 3 ER visits before they figured out what was going on. Once my fertility doctor saw me and identified what was going on my HCG was already going down on its own and I was considered “stable”. So no medication or surgery. I have just gone in for follow up ultrasounds to monitor the internal hemorrhage decreasing and blood work to watch my HCG go down.
Has anyone else had this situation where no medicine or surgery was given?!

I think this is so odd / unintentionally funny when he does this now…
He often has stories about how he walks into an environment where he’s coming into the discussion with minimal background knowledge, and speaking with people who do that job full time.
So, think he’s not in marketing but he has to interact with the marketing department for something.
He’ll often tell stories like this where there’s a problem, and nobody on the marketing team could figure it out even with all of their combined expertise. Then he identifies the problem, and fixes it within 5 minutes when the marketing department has been working on the problem tirelessly for weeks.
The reality is he’s so brash that the marketing department didn’t have the stomach to stand up to his hair-brained idea and just appease him by saying they’ll look into his solution.
It’s so narcissistic… “even though all of you are experts in your field, I’m so f*cking great that even my cursory knowledge of your domain is better than your years of experience.”
There’s also a healthy amount of insinuation (they’re all idiots in the marketing department) thrown in for good measure.

Well, here I am. I've avoided sharing this for over a year, but I'm finding myself trapped - even though it seems like the strangeness has ended or gone covert - I can't seem to get past the experiences I had last year. I've held this all in since then, and it has to come out somehow.
It's really long. TLDR at the bottom.
February 2023
I picked a foolish battle with my employer - a large corporation known for poor ethics, corruption and crony capitalism. I went after them hard, determined to expose their wrongdoing, and got other ex-employees involved too. We went to the media, appeared on podcasts, but I was the one who took it too far. I flew too close to the sun and got myself in deep. My juvenile attempt at being some kind of brave robin hood hero got my colleagues and I tormented by private investigators. Everyone got followed, but only two of us seemed to have anomalous experiences, and I got the worst of it. They left my friends alone when they realized I was the one facillitating everything.
After being tailed home at 4am one morning, I immediately bought security cameras and set them up. You'd think I would've got the message and backed off, but I was angry over my privacy being invaded, and felt security with the support of my colleagues. I was determined to defend what I believed in, and I resented their brazen harassment and intimidation; it was clear they didn't mind using resources to spy on me. Maybe I shouldn't have spied on them.
There's a whole lot more to that nightmare, but I'm not posting this on ; I'm here for a reason. Because I can't think of anywhere else to get the answers I'm seeking. I need help, and I want to talk to experiencers who can help me make sense of what happened, hell, I'll even settle for advice on moving forward, and getting the past shit out of my head.
March-April
I started noticing anomalies on the cameras I set up. It was strange and got my attention, but very subtle at first; it was more confusing than anything. I should mention my lifelong interest in aliens and UAP, quite literally as long as I can remember; but that interest dwindled after my teen years. I'm almost 30 and have real life shit to worry about, clearly.
Not even a month later, things were getting weird. I saw orbs split in two and three, merge back together and go right through solid objects. Right in front of my house. This kind of activity began happening more frequently (or I became more aware), until one night I noticed a drone-like object following my car. I went home, and sure enough, it stopped over the street in front of my house. I realized this must be something supernatural, as it was similar strangeness to what I saw on my cameras. Splitting apart, dramatic color shifts, and just plain bizarreness.
I left for work the next morning, it was still dark, and the orb was still following me from a distance; it wasn't too close, but it definitely wasn't far either - it just seemed like it was continuosly locked onto me. By this point, I'm getting concerned, and as a heroic whistleblower committed to getting to the bottom of anything and everything, I investigated. I realized these things really were following me. So I started documenting. They would come out of nowhere and into my field of view. I'd be laying in bed, watching TV, and an orb would float between a small gap in the curtains where it was obvious and I couldn't ignore it.
By now I'm pretty worried about these ongoing events, but my curious cosmic side was intrigued. I didn't like what was happening, but I definitely found it fascinating and kind of cool. So I filmed. Every single day. I was followed by strange lights for six months straight, and it wasn't only happening at night.
I started seeing figures of light beings outside my house. Gray-type beings that looked like they were using magic or casting spells. I had never considered or believed in beings like this. I didn't really believe in demons, but that's the closest thing I can describe them as, like shapeshifting Jinn. But multiple types of entities, my house became a hotspot for strangeness I couldn't even fathom.
Many of the beings I filmed I noticed later when analyzing my videos. I would be filming one anomaly, focused on that, completely unaware of any activity right next to me. But I got better at picking them out over time. I was committed to studying my videos over and over, trying different color levels, shadows and contrast to better pick out the anomalies.
August
By now I had taken hundreds of videos on both my iPhone and security cams. I learned that my iPhone 14 had trouble capturing these things, even when they were stationary or nearby. My camera struggled to focus, and when I tried zooming in on an orb or entity, it would shoot my camera out of focus. I have some pretty cool shots of this happening. Whatever it was, it probably didn't care to be filmed. It was far too difficult to get a good shot. I have a solid phone model and was shooting in 4K; I would get a clear image, then try to focus on orbs/NHI, but end up with glitchy artifacts and static noise in my videos
September
I'll never forget the feelings and emotions I felt the next month. I was looking back at videos from April, and I found something I hadn't noticed from April 26-28. It looked like I was abducted. I filmed what looked like an arm come down from the trees, and it appeared to take me, or maybe take my 'astral' body? Then half of a gray's face briefly appeared in frame; it looks like the Gray on the cover of Communion.
The next video on my phone I didn't remember taking. Mere minutes later, it looks like I'm approaching a door I've never seen in my life, and my body goes right through it. Then I'm back in my house. Its a short three second clip, but it was definitive proof to me that I experienced high strangness, I just couldn't understand why. I still can't get it out of my head. Since then I've gone back and found more anomalies I had never noticed, and I'm really struggling with making sense of what may have happened. I don't get spooked easily, but I can't come to grips with this; I feel like I've been victimized, and I'm honestly traumatized just off the videos I took. I have no recollection of being taken or anything traumatizing happening. All I have to go off is what I captured, and the feelings I get every night when I go to sleep.
The blatant strangeness slowed down and had seemingly stopped by October, shortly after I retired from my whistleblower antics. The effects of whatever happened are with me every day. I think about it every day and night and fear it coming back. I wish I could have some level of closure, even if it isn't realistic.
Somebody here can help me. I'm certain the right person can make some degree of sense of the videos, and even a little bit of clarity would go a long way for me. What's more likely? Negative NHI harassing me for exposing corporate wrongdoing, or any NHI all of a sudden taking an interest in my everyday life? Is it possible for someone to weaponize paranormal forces against you? I truly don't know. I'm not satisfied with any of those possibilities.
The biggest thing I've grappled with is understanding the origins. Is it negative NHI being used against me? Could it be nefarious humans using advanced technology against me? Psychotronic weapons? How can you even differentiate?! I just can't tell. If you're an experiencer with an open mind and educated in different types of beings, please have a chat with me and look over my videos. I'd post them here but my house and my neighbors homes are visible in most of them. If you're just interested and want to take a look, I'll share a drive link with anyone, I just don't feel right posting these publicly yet.
TLDR;
Potentially harassed by negative NHI or advanced tech. Both are equally terrifying to me. Can't understand how or why this would happen. I'm seeking other experiencers with knowledge on different types of high strangess, anomolous beings/interdimensionals.
Need guidance on moving forward if I can't find answers.
I have a bad feeling that somehow people did this to me. I really want to know if thats even possible. Thank you for reading :)

Comprehensive Framework for Analyzing Social Hierarchies and Behaviors to Predict and Prevent High School Shootings

This framework aims to analyze social dynamics in educational settings to provide tools for predicting and preventing high school shootings. By understanding the roles of alpha, beta, gamma, and omega personalities within social hierarchies, and incorporating transactional analysis and the impact of early childhood trauma, we can identify at-risk individuals and implement interventions at the group level.

Social Hierarchy Types

1. Alpha: Dominant individuals who typically lead and hold the highest social power. They decide what to train, influencing the behaviors and values of others.
2. Beta: Supportive individuals who are influential but subordinate to alphas. They may enforce the alpha's decisions, enabling both positive and negative group behaviors.
3. Gamma: Average members who follow social norms without seeking dominance or leadership. They often allow bad group behavior by conforming and not intervening.
4. Omega: Individuals who are marginalized or scapegoated within the group. High frequency of negative outcomes, such as suicide, can occur if they fall to this status from higher positions.

Key Variables

1. Dominance Behaviors: Actions and language used to assert authority.
2. Status Degradation Behaviors: Actions and language aimed at lowering another’s social status for self-preservation or social climbing.
3. Social Hierarchy Position: Classification as alpha, beta, gamma, or omega based on observed behaviors and group dynamics.
4. Dynamic Status Changes: Shifts in an individual’s social hierarchy position over time.
5. Transactional Analysis States: Parent, Adult, and Child modes as described in transactional analysis.
6. Early Childhood Trauma: Identification of individuals who have experienced significant trauma and its impact on their social hierarchy position and behaviors.

Transactional Analysis Framework

1. Parent Mode: Behaviors and language mimicking authoritative or nurturing figures.
2. Adult Mode: Rational and objective communication, focusing on facts and logic.
3. Child Mode: Behaviors and language that are playful, dependent, or rebellious.

Data Collection and Measurement

Linguistic and Behavioral Analysis

• Dominance Indicators: Authoritative language, directives, commanding nonverbal cues.
• Status Degradation Indicators: Derogatory language, insults, dismissive comments.
• Hierarchy Position Indicators: Language and behavior patterns associated with alpha, beta, gamma, and omega types.
• Transactional Analysis Indicators:
  • Parent Mode: Use of authoritative or nurturing language.
  • Adult Mode: Use of rational, objective language.
  • Child Mode: Use of playful, dependent, or rebellious language.
• Trauma Indicators: Analysis of behaviors indicative of trauma, such as hypervigilance, submissiveness, and codependency.

Behavioral Cues

• Alpha: Commanding tone, confident posture, leading interactions.
• Beta: Supportive language, cooperative behaviors, alignment with alphas.
• Gamma: Neutral language, conformity to group norms, non-confrontational behavior.
• Omega: Submissive language, frequent victim of status degradation, isolated behaviors. High likelihood of being scapegoated, especially if trauma is present.
• Trauma-Affected Individuals: Analysis of behaviors such as hypervigilance, submissiveness, and codependency, and their correlation with omega status.

Contextual Factors

• Group Dynamics: Observations of interactions and roles within the group.
• Situational Triggers: Events or circumstances causing shifts in hierarchy positions.
• Trauma Impact: Contextual analysis of how early childhood trauma influences group dynamics and individual behaviors.

Data Collection Methods

Surveys and Self-Reports

• Hierarchy Position Self-Identification: Individuals identify their perceived position within the hierarchy.
• Experiences of Dominance and Degradation: Self-reported experiences of being dominated or degraded.
• Transactional State Self-Reports: Individuals report their perceived mode (Parent, Adult, Child) during interactions.
• Trauma History: Self-reporting of significant early childhood trauma and its perceived impact on social interactions.

Recorded Interactions

• Linguistic Analysis: Analyze recorded conversations for language patterns.
• Behavioral Observations: Video recordings of group interactions to identify nonverbal cues and behaviors.

Mobile App Development

• Real-Time Analysis: An app that uses NLP and machine learning to analyze speech and provide feedback on hierarchy position indicators, transactional states, and trauma-related behaviors.

Analytical Framework

Descriptive Statistics

• Frequency of Dominance and Degradation Behaviors: Summary statistics on how often these behaviors occur across different hierarchy positions.
• Hierarchy Position Distribution: Distribution of individuals in alpha, beta, gamma, and omega positions.
• Transactional State Distribution: Distribution of interactions by Parent, Adult, and Child modes.
• Trauma Impact: Distribution of hierarchy positions and behaviors among trauma-affected versus non-trauma-affected individuals.

Correlation Analysis

• Correlation Between Behaviors and Hierarchy Positions: Analysis of how dominance and status degradation behaviors correlate with being an alpha, beta, gamma, or omega.
• Impact on Group Dynamics: Correlation between these behaviors and overall group cohesion and productivity.
• Transactional State Correlation: Analysis of the prevalence of Parent, Adult, and Child modes in different hierarchy positions.
• Trauma Correlation: Analysis of how early childhood trauma correlates with social hierarchy position, dominance behaviors, and transactional states.

Regression Analysis

• Predictive Models: Regression models predicting hierarchy position based on observed behaviors, linguistic patterns, and trauma history.
• Impact of Contextual Factors: Analysis of how different situational triggers impact shifts in hierarchy positions.
• Transactional State Impact: Analysis of how different transactional states influence social interactions and hierarchy dynamics.
• Trauma Impact: Regression analysis to predict long-term social and academic outcomes based on trauma history.

Network Analysis

• Social Network Mapping: Mapping social interactions to visualize hierarchy positions and influence patterns.
• Centrality Measures: Identifying key individuals (alphas) and their influence on group dynamics.

Hypotheses and Analysis

1. H1: Individuals exhibiting frequent dominance behaviors are more likely to be classified as alphas.
2. H2: Status degradation behaviors are more common among individuals attempting to transition to a higher hierarchy position (beta to alpha) or protect their current position.
3. H3: Omegas experience the highest frequency of status degradation behaviors and the lowest social power.
4. H4: Dynamic shifts in hierarchy positions are triggered by specific situational factors and changes in group composition.
5. H5: Beta and gamma personalities are guilty of enabling bad group behavior by either supporting or failing to challenge negative actions within the group.
6. H6: Parent mode is more frequently exhibited by alphas and betas during dominance interactions, while Child mode is more common in omegas and during status degradation interactions.
7. H7: Adult mode interactions are associated with higher group cohesion and productivity.
8. H8: Trauma-affected individuals are more likely to be marginalized and pushed to omega status, exhibiting higher frequencies of submissive and codependent behaviors.
9. H9: In high-stress environments (e.g., school under intense social pressure), non-violent attempts to assert dominance by individuals with previously higher social status result in their rapid demotion to omega status, often leading to high-risk outcomes like violence.

Example Data Points and Metrics

Linguistic and Behavioral Indicators

• Alpha: Frequency of leading language, commands, and confident nonverbal cues.
• Beta: Frequency of supportive language, cooperative behaviors.
• Gamma: Frequency of neutral language, conforming behaviors.
• Omega: Frequency of submissive language, victim behaviors. High likelihood of being scapegoated, especially if trauma is present.
• Transactional States: Frequency of language indicating Parent, Adult, or Child modes.
• Trauma Indicators: Analysis of behaviors indicative of trauma, such as hypervigilance, submissiveness, and codependency.

Social Hierarchy Position

• Self-Identification Surveys: Individuals’ self-perception of their position.
• Observer Reports: External observations and classifications based on behavior.
• Trauma History: Identification of trauma-affected individuals and analysis of their hierarchy position.

Group Dynamics

• Interaction Frequency: Number of interactions initiated by each hierarchy type.
• Support and Resistance: Levels of support or resistance encountered by each hierarchy type.
• Trauma Impact: Analysis of interaction frequency and dynamics between trauma-affected and non-trauma-affected individuals.

Dynamic Status Changes

• Event Logs: Record of situational triggers and resulting shifts in hierarchy positions.
• Longitudinal Data: Tracking individuals over time to observe changes in their hierarchy position.
• Trauma Impact: Longitudinal analysis of trauma-affected individuals to assess long-term social and academic outcomes.

Tools and Technologies

1. Natural Language Processing (NLP): For real-time analysis of spoken and written language to identify hierarchy position indicators, transactional states, and trauma-related behaviors.
2. Machine Learning: To develop predictive models for hierarchy positions, behavior patterns, and the impact of trauma.
3. Network Analysis Tools: To map social interactions and visualize hierarchy dynamics.

Experimental and Longitudinal Studies

1. Controlled Experiments: Manipulate social scenarios to observe changes in hierarchy positions and behaviors, particularly focusing on the impact of trauma.
2. Longitudinal Studies: Track individuals over time to observe the long

-term effects of early childhood trauma on social hierarchy positions, behaviors, and outcomes.

Goal: Predicting and Preventing High School Shootings

This comprehensive framework provides the necessary tools to analyze, predict, and intervene in group dynamics to prevent high school shootings. By understanding and monitoring social hierarchies, transactional states, and the impact of early childhood trauma, educators and mental health professionals can identify at-risk individuals and implement timely interventions to foster a safer and more supportive school environment.

Note please don't call me dad.
But yes! Hello it's my first time on reddit! A little-lot about me:

1. I first used reddit as of posting this about 2-ish weeks ago but I've shadowed Reddit for much longer. I never wanted to make an account due to shyness, confusing rules, and the dreaded censorship that seems to plague every platform. (Plz don't ban me reddit, I beg.) However due to my introvertedness taking over more and more, now seemed like a good a time as any!
   
2. Yep! The name comes from a Nickelodeon cartoon, and if I have to explain from: ¹ how dare you. ² we can't be friends!
   
3. I browsed over hundreds of subreddits, always thinking if I ever did join - where would I start? I had ideas of where, but not-so-much when...And given said strict rules, I always thought I had a knit and knack for sentence structure, spelling and grammar as I've been complimented on my penmanship and organization skills...yet, reddit I'm sure will truly test me on that. I've been out of an English class for many, many years now. So forgive me in advance I'll try my best!
   
4. Speaking of many, many years - I'm not so young and not so old either! It's a mystery. And as per reddit guidelines to not share sensitive information - I suppose I will keep it that way. You'll just have to think of me as an enigmatic mr. magoo-like shape; formless in the hands of it's users, but an organized cut figure in staunch of his allies. Think of Inspector gadget except more mysterious. (And who trips on his own shoelaces.) So...basically Timmy's dad!
   
5. I'm a gamer, hobbiest writer and photographer, and a perspective teacher (in my former years) and I plan on adding a bit of each into their respective subreddit categories in some form of time. I write amateur poetry from time to time, stemming from natural & creative to erotic prose gasp! and when I feel like it - short stories. I tend to also gravitate towards shapeable wordless songs and giving them my own spin (like ost's), as well as coming up with songs lyrics of my own. I went to a magnet school in my younger years for all of the above forms of writing as well as screenwriting and playwriting. All of this is fun to me and that's the extent of it. Nothing more. If you stumble upon any of my former pieces searching for an answer as to why I wrote some of the things I said, or why I said them...it comes down to just whatever floats into my peripheral vision in that given moment; sometimes it's music that inspires me, and othertimes it's just what needs to be said. And hey, sometimes I'm blindsided by my blindspots. And other, other, some times I stop using the word "time" so often! Grrr!
   
6. As for games, I'm a replayer of not-so-old games that are not so timeless, but not-so new anymore eiGarrett! This is mainly due to financial tightness and that older games charm I can't forget. Games such as:
   

• Kingdom Hearts 358/2 days (and all it's entries, except Unchained X)
• Resident Evil 4
• Uncharted 3 (and all it's entries, except Golden Abyss)
• Breath of the Wild
• Sonic Advance 2 & 3
• Yugioh 5d's Wheelie Breakers
• Yugioh 5d's world championship 2011: Over the Nexus
• Yugioh Tagforce 4 & 5
• Destiny 1 & 2
• Apex Legends

(There are others, but these are some games I hold dear that come off the top of my head.)
I've found games sometimes help shape and induce flow-like states to help us ease into transitions of moment-to-moment actions defining our playable characters, some. Or in other cases, defining ourselves most when we need to caught between a rock and a hard place...like in a gunfight...(I'm looking you Apex Legends, Uncharted, and Destiny.) But yes, in those instances - I've found that what help shape me along with some of the game's life-lessons taught to our characters, did indeed help shape me into the person I am today. (Inb4 someone says I identify as Harumo-chan the master of hoe-jitsu), lol no I'm saying the best parts about our characters can help shape us sometimes without us even knowing it. (But Harumo-chan did help shape me Timmy, why can't you see that?) More power to you then. The best parts for some and the worser parts for others i suppose. :P
6½. What i mean to the last point is, part of my strength I've found is from when I draw strength from other strong characters I've seen and what they've been through; (or put you through and thus you're going through the sh*t-show together.) Characters that have really inspired me are probably namely Sora, Riku & Roxas from Kingdom Hearts, Nathan Drake from Uncharted, Sonic, and Yusei from Yugioh 5d's. I know, very adult of me right? Mm, I am interested however where others draw their strength from? Which form of medium do they choose, why did they choose it and who do they draw strength from if not in a show or game?
I could talk about why I choose these individual characters but I believe that's best suited for another thread/post. P.s. as for tv shows though? A huge inspiration i draw from is Rick, from the walking dead. I don't watch many new shows anymore. (As for why that is, maybe that's also best suited for another post.)

1. Speaking of shows - I don't really have time to watch anime all that much but some influential ones I've grown to be very fond of are:

• Yugioh 5d's (subbed)
• Sword Art Online (subbed) and season 1 only
• Soul Eater
• Avatar: The Last Airbender (yes this counts lol)
• DragonBall Super (subbed)
• Soul Eater
• Gundam
• Golden Time (one of the first anime's I've cried to, though that was a long time ago, would be interesting if I have the same reaction rewatching it. All I remember is getting exceptionally emotional and invested which was out of the usual for me. Although I can't remember which part got me the most.)

There are others, and I've seen all series of Yugioh and DragonBall alike, but these in particular stood out to me. For DragonBall Super mostly due to the absolute insanity the tournament of power was and that last fight. I've seen other animes or stopped, started and stopped again as I couldn't get invested into them. That's why Golden Time really took me by surprise. Same with Yugioh 5d's and S1 of Sword Art Online. I am interested to see what other subreddits with differing views on what sorts of animes other people prefer or recommend I watch.
Same with games, music or movies.
To wrap up,
Tldr; you can call me Timmy (Timmm-aH!) For short, or even shorter than short - dad, just don't get weird with it, (unless?...no I'm joking, unless?...) and I'm here like anyone else to peruse reddit on useful or entertaining things!
Anything else I'll either edit this big jumbo post or add on later!
Sincerely,
Dad.

I’ve played this game for hundreds of hours and I still haven’t figured out exactly how the game knows whether guests can see animals and vice versa. Does anyone have a guide or something about what matters and what doesn’t? All I can tell is that it’s complicated and doesn’t work like real life.
Does the game actually calculate sightlines from every animal to every guest? I don’t think so.
Is there a distance cutoff? Does visibility drop with distance? What objects block line of sight? Large solid objects sure, but what about foliage that doesn’t block movement? Which transparent objects block line of sight and which don’t? What about partial cover: does a waist-high wall reduce stress?
Are there any “I can see you but you can’t see me” situations apart from one-way glass? Or does better visibility for guests always mean more animal stress?
Can animals actually hear guests they can’t see? If so, how does that work, and what blocks sound?

So, growing up I was the oldest child and had a brother who was 4 years younger than me. I grew up in a strict Catholic household, but my parents grew a bit more open minded once I was in high school and college. My mother specifically is pretty open minded about most things these days, but my Dad still lives a bit in the dark ages.
When I was in middle school, I started to notice that I would occasionally go to look for something in my closet and couldn't find it. I would mention it to my Mom, who did my laundry, and most often she would say she didn't have it. Almost always, the piece of clothing would mysteriously appear in either the laundry or my closet days later. My parents told me I just owned too many clothes and my closets/drawers were simply too full, and that's why I lost these items.
In high school, this continued with more frequency, and I started to notice that it was always very particular items of clothing- plaid mini skirts, knee high socks, heeled boots, and sometimes, even underwear. I have several vivid memories of going to pull underwear out of my dresser and seeing that it had obvious stains or spots on them- that they were not clean and had definitely been used, but not by me. I also noticed that sometimes the items would be put in the closet in the wrong spots (I had everything organized a particular way) or they were hung up on hangers oddly. I started to think my brother was the one stealing my clothes, because it couldn't be anyone else in the house. I figured he was doing it just to mess with me, so I started confronting him about it- always in front of my parents and most often at dinner. Immediately my brother would yell and say there's no way he would do that, and my Dad would jump right to his aide and defend my brother. How dare I accuse him? It's not his fault that I'm messy/own too many clothes to keep track of. In private, my Mom would say that she couldn't think of another explanation, but that she didn't believe my brother was doing it and I shouldn't bring it up at family dinners anymore. I was getting increasingly frustrated as this was going on for YEARS. Eventually, I started doing my own laundry, and locking my bedroom door when I wasn't home. Even then, the same thing would happen occasionally. I knew in my heart it was my brother but it didn't matter, because any time I brought it up I was the one blamed for causing a fight. I even confronted my brother privately a few times, but he never admitted to anything.
Well, one day when I was in my Senior or Grad year of college- I was probably around 22 at the time- I wanted some alone time while the house was empty and I go to get my vibrator out of the bottom drawer of my nightstand, except... it wasn't there. I looked everywhere, even dumping out the drawer completely just to make sure it wasn't. My mom knew I had one, so the first thing I did was call her and ask if she knew what had happened to it. She didn't. So, I went into my brother's room and started searching. There, shoved into the corner of his closet under a bunch of random stuff, was a stash- complete with multiple of my items of clothing, shoes, handfuls of underwear, and my vibrator. To say I was pissed was an understatement. I was seeing red. My mom and brother were on the way home, so I took pictures, put everything back, and waited.
When they got home, I called them upstairs into his bedroom. I, calmly and even-toned, said to my brother that I wanted to know, once and for all, whether or not he'd been the one messing with my clothes for years, and that I wouldn't be mad, but I wanted him to admit to it if it was him. Immediately, he starts screaming for me to get out of his room, how dare I accuse him, etc. At this point, my Mom was pretty convinced herself as over the years there was never another explanation, so she tried to come to my aid and explain that it's nothing to be embarrassed of and he could talk to her about anything. She even asked me to go out of the room so they could talk privately. I eavesdropped from outside, and heard him say that it's not his fault I'm crazy and a bitch, etc. He continued to deny it. I had reached my tipping point. I burst into the room, threw open the closet door and grabbed the vibrator. I whipped around with it in my outstretched arm, looked him dead in the eyes and screamed "EXPLAIN THIS!" A look of absolute horror reached his face. He didn't say anything. So, I threw the vibrator at him, and then starting taking each other item out of the closet and throwing it into a pile in the middle of the room. Only after that was done did he finally crack. He started to sob. I told my Mom that I would be back, that she needed to talk to him, and I left the house.
A few hours later, I returned and my Mom basically told me that he admitted to stealing the clothes for YEARS. He wouldn't tell her what he was doing with them- she thought he was maybe putting them on pillows and pretending they were girls (he'd never had a girlfriend or anything) but I always thought- and still do- that he'd been wearing the clothes in his room. She discussed with him that she would be willing to purchase women's clothes for him so that he wouldn't need to steal mine, and that she would do it in private so my Dad wouldn't know. She also told me that he was incredibly ashamed and she was nervous he'd hurt himself or attempt to end himself because of my confrontation (never in his life had he ever showed signs of this). I told her to relay the message to him that all I wanted was an apology.
A few hours later, he came to me, totally unable to look me in the face, but he apologized for the years of stealing- and sometimes ruining- my clothes. He apologized for denying it every time he was confronted and even offered to replace every single item of clothing/underwear if I wanted (It would have been a couple hundred dollars). I thanked him for apologizing, told him that I would be more than willing to purchase him things myself, that I did not want him to replace anything (because no one wants their brother to buy them a sex toy) and that if he ever wanted to talk about things I was there. It was that day that I told him I was bisexual, had had a girlfriend in secret in high school, and if he was questioning anything I would be an open ear. Even then, our relationship was strained for a long time.
It's been like 6 years now. I moved out as soon as I could, and always said to my Mom that I moved out more to get away from my brother than my parents. My brother has been more open with me in the past few years about his identify and sexuality (I believe him to be demisexual) and the fact that he does, in fact, purchase and wear women's clothing on occasion in the privacy of his own room. He once asked me if it would be okay for him to wear lingerie- type items when he visits/sleeps over my apartment. I respectfully declined, stating that I still harbored negative feelings towards that whole situation and quite frankly, didn't want to see my brother in his underwear, and he accepted that.
Still, to this day, I harbor resentment towards my parents that they never took my side until there was hard, undeniable truth in front of them. I actually don't know if my Mom ever told my Dad- he could be totally unaware of this whole situation. I've always thought they treated my brother differently. I had to be the responsible one. I had to be the one that held it all together. I had to be the one to do things for everyone else, even at my own expense. I've never really truly forgiven them for not believing me.
Anyway, that's what I's unpacking in therapy this week. I hope the visual of me flinging a vibrator across a room made you smile if nothing else! Cheers everyone.

I had my first 14 years ago when i was 21 and remember crying to my mum when she was 1 saying id never do this again. Never have another. The overwhelming stress was intense. I couldnt handle the clinginess. It made me feel like i was drowning. But of course i had no choice but to power on. Shes a great 14 year old now.
I had a baby 8 months ago after telling myself it would be different this time. I could handle it. I have a solid partner who said he would love her more than life itself and he was true to every word. He dotes on her and gladly takes her to give me some space, which he can easily do because hes not working currently but is starting back in a fortnight. I am DREADING IT. Im back to where i was 14 years ago. The cries, the neediness, the thinking shes went for a nap when suddenly she opens her eyes and my breathing space goes out the window. Partner says when she cries i just have to identify one of the few reasons it could be; needs fed, needs changed, needs cuddles or is simply tired. Go through the options and it should be fine. I manage mostly but sometimes i just hear her cry and shut down, staring at her hopelessly or internally panic and continue whatever im doing, humming to myself to drown her out before i go take a couple mins to myself then return and go through the motions. The neediness is overwhelming also. Yesterday she wanted up repeatedly but when i picked her up she squirmed and cried to be let down again but then screamed to be picked back up. I just want to scream "WHAT IS IT YOU WANT??!" but i dont. Just thinking about it makes me want to hyperventilate. Im highely introverted and need my own space to unwind and my partner starting back work is going to reduce that greatly. I plan on getting myself tested for ADHD as im shit at other aspects of life like remembering to pay bills/attend important interviews/ observing deadlines for things, amongst other things. I dont know if thats even relevant to my post. I just wanted to rant and get it off my chest. I tried to post this to Breakingmom but it wouldnt let me :/ thanks for reading.

It is paralyzing to have so many but all basic-level skills that I wish to grow and specialize in, and what makes it even more difficult is unknowing what my passion is. All of the non-technical people in my life encourage me to do something with what seems to them "impressive technical skills" instead of working 11 hours a day in a sales job that I hate, my family wishes I did something with my degree instead, I graduated two years ago as a biomedical engineer (and low-key I regret it now). Of course "impressive" is very subjective, and I realize that those people don't know exactly what the job roles are in any technical field, so I can't build up on those impressions as for them installing drivers for a new hardware and using a CMD makes them think I'm cut for an IT position, and for them a programmer is simply someone who makes software on a computer, and since I was able to create a calculator application in C# and build a website in HTML and CSS, they think now I'm all set for a career in programming.
The thing is, all of my knowledge in: - C# (Winform and Console apps only) - HTML, CSS - Database management and SQL (MS-SQL, SQLite) - Computers software and hardware repair (General IT entry-level skills) - Video editing (in adobe premiere, and other open-source video editing software) - Graphic design (in photoshop) - Flash game deisgn (very old hobby I had) - Technical drawing in SolidWorks - Java programming in Android Studio (I dabbled into it for a university project). - Digital image processing (in Matlab, also for a university class I had).
is at a beginner level. I never gave myself the time to master a thing, and I can't figure out what I should stick to.
For a long time, my dream was to get into game dev, but seeing how competitive and time-consuming it is and judging by the lengthy learning resources available which need to be followed by a protfolio that also needs time to build, and finally hearing about how it actually pays less than software development, I wrote it off. My 2 fellow engineer friends recommended either going for a DevOPS path, or a blender 3D modelling path. Before asking for their advice, I was aiming for a databases-related job because I enjoyed working with databases queries the most, but all of the job descriptions in my country seem to require a lot a lot more than just doing sql queries, so then I was drifted away by a third friend who is a web developer, he convinced me to try out the free bootcamp called "TheOdinProject" and I'm half way in already in their "Foundation" course. And my progress pace suddenly slowed down significantly at some harder topics. Why did I listen to the web developer and ignored the other 2 guys? Honestly I was afraid that being a bit slow at abstract concepts won't make the DevOps path easy for me, and the Blender route was as dreadful because it takes the double amount of time of Web Dev and DevOps as it requires a ton of practice but with the constraining working hours I currently have, that would be super difficult to achieve. So now I don't know what to trust, web dev looks to require as much dedication as the others and I don't know if I will have the motivation to pick it up and get up to speed as before after being stuck for a while now.
Thank you all for reading. Any advice would hopefully illuminate my way and clear up my confusion, so I'd really appreciate any insight.
Side notes: I'm not in the US. I can't quit my job because I have family responsibilities.

This is a follow-up post to my Two Year Update and One Year Update. For those who haven’t read it here’s a short summary of my first 2 Years

• First Month: Learning Kana with Apps like Duolingo and some basic vocab/grammar and figuring out if I actually like learning Japanese
• Month 2-3: Doing RRTK and watching Cure Dolly for Grammar on the Side
• Month 3-4: Core Anki Decks for Basic Vocab (Tango N5, Core Anime Deck)
• Month 4-6: Reading and Sentence Mining Satori Reader with extra cards from Anime via Morphman
• Month 6-9: Finished Satori Reader and moved on to Anime with Japanese Subtitles + Sentence Mining
• Month 9-12: Added Reading Novels to my Routine for about 1h a day. Continued with Anime for the rest of the time
• Month 13-24: Continued my Routine of reading books + watching Anime and doing Sentence Mining with Anki. I increased my reading to about 2-3h a day for a while and cut back on Anime

Stats

• 2646 Anime Episodes Watched (Year 1: 715, Year 2: 1428, Year 3: 503)
• 68 Movies Watched (Year 1: 19, Year 2: 28, Year 3: 21)
• 115 Novels Read (Year 1: 6, Year 2: 64, Year 3: 45)
• 20000 Anki Vocab Cards (Year 1: 6517 , Year 2: 8664, Year 3: 4819)
• 27520 Morphs (Year 1: 8204 , Year 2: 13650, Year 3: 5666)

I am not as diligent with tracking anymore, so some of it might be missing. My Anime watched and Books read has gone down quite a bit from last year, but I also played some Games in Japanese this year and watched a lot more Youtube/Variety Content. Although I didn’t track it, generally my daily time spent has gone down from 3-4h daily to around 2-3h nowadays.

Current Daily Routine

My Routine has not changed much from my second year, but I tried exploring more genres and media. With better comprehension and less reliance on lookups (thanks to Anki), I am able to enjoy media without subtitles or games where lookups are a bit more annoying, much more than before. I still aim for 2-3 hours of immersion daily, with books remaining the backbone of my immersion since I enjoy them the most. Recently, I’ve replaced my before-bed anime watching with reading books accompanied by audiobooks, thanks to tools like Jidoujisho and Kanjieaters’s SubsPlease tool for syncing audiobooks with books. I’ve also played more games in Japanese, a big highlight being the Metal Gear Solid Series. I’ve also watched more Youtube and Variety Shows as filler content.
In terms of Anki usage, my daily time has tapered off to around 10-15 minutes, primarily because I don’t find many new words anymore. Nowadays, around 90% of my new cards come from reading. When I’m reading challenging books, this number can jump up to around ~20 new cards, but on average, it hovers around 6.
Very recently I’ve also added about 5-10 mins of Minimal Pairs Pitch Training on the コツ Site to my Routine. I’ve only been doing this for about 2 Weeks, and I’m already noticing a big improvement in my Pitch perception. I still don’t have any ambitions regarding Output, but feel like being able to recognize Pitch unlocks a new way of perceiving the language, which I find fascinating.

What my Comprehension feels like

Reading Books

While my reading speed hasn't changed drastically, improving from about 12k chars/hour to around 13-14k chars/hour, the range of variation has decreased significantly. A year ago, my speed could drop to 9k chars/hour with difficult books; now, 12k chars/hour is more of a baseline for me. But my comprehension is where I feel the most improvement, I don’t need to check DeepL at all anymore, if I don’t understand a sentence, I can most of the time understand it when I read it again. And there are a lot more nuances, I now notice which I didn’t before. I noticed this the most in my reread of また同じ夢を見ていた which was my first book I read in Japanese, after rereading it, ~100 books later, I noticed a lot of new nuances, subtext and word play.
I also started using more Audiobooks, in combination with SubsPlease and Jidoujisho to get a synced Subtitle file with the Audiobook. I read along while listening, and my comprehension got fast enough that I generally can just let it play, only occasionally needing to relisten to a line. Even for more difficult books, like 鹿の王 which I recently read. I also read a physical Book this year. If the book is not too hard, I’m now comfortable reading it without a dictionary. The one I read had about 20 words I didn't know, but I only felt the need to look up 2-3. I was able to get the meaning from the others based on context and kanji.

Watching Content with Japanese Subtitles

I felt pretty strong in this area a year ago already, but it has definitely improved a lot also. I noticed this the most when I played the Metal Gear Solid Series. All dialogue does have subtitles, but the content is quite difficult both on a vocabulary level and also on a meaning level, since they are dealing with deep themes a lot of the time. But I was able to play it mostly free flow, only needing to look up a word here or there, getting most of the meaning from the kanji if I didn’t know a word.

Watching Content without Japanese Subtitles

Ironically even though I never intentionally did pure listening practice, always using Japanese subtitles if they were available, I’m noticing the most progress in this area. A year ago, I was not comfortable with most non-subtitled content. Nowadays I would say, easier content like most youtube videos or variety shows, I’m quite comfortable with, although I definitely still miss much more compared to using subtitles. But with Anime or Movies in general, where I’m also much more picky in my comprehension, since I don’t want to miss anything, I’m still not comfortable watching without subtitles I feel like in scripted content people are more likely to use rare words, and even if I technically “know” them, it's still often hard for me to recall them without seeing the characters. But as with all things, that will work itself out with more input. I’m glad my theory from my 1 Year Update, that doing pure listening practice is not needed and using subtitles does not impede progress in listening, turned out true for me.

Closing Thoughts

Although I was able to do all the things I can do now a year ago, I feel like I can do them much more effortlessly. Consuming Japanese is now much closer to English or my native language German, although it’s still not quite there. Both in terms of listening, I usually listen to Youtube videos in English at 2.5x speed, that's not possible for me in Japanese at the moment. Similarly, despite doing a lot of reading, there’s still a lot of room to improve to reach native-level speed.
But it doesn’t feel like learning anymore; it’s more about enjoying the exploration of a new culture through its media. I still love learning new things, which is why I started focusing more on pitch, even though I still have no plans for output.
Adding to my Closing Thoughts from my 2 Year Update, I still feel like this hobby has been the most enriching thing I’ve ever done. Being able to get better at something, feeling the progress gradually, while exploring new ways of thinking, not just through the language itself, but also the vastly different media compared to western media, really broadened my horizon. I feel like learning to appreciate and understand what the media is trying to say is also in a way like learning a language. It got me to read books or try out new genres I probably would have never considered otherwise. For example the Metal Gear Series got me interested in history, which I didn't think I liked before. I also learned a lot about learning new things. I think I can apply all the techniques I discovered learning Japanese to any other skill I want to learn in the future. Being consistent on a daily basis and always practising the same way you would in a real scenario would be the biggest factors for me. (For example, no JLPT grammar questions, rather seeing, looking up and understanding the grammar in native content)
I very much look forward to how my Journey will continue in my 4th year. Thank you for reading!

Hi, this might be kind of weird to ask, but all my elder family members are dead so I’d figured why not go online?
I’m with a man, he’s 33. We’ve been together since I was 18. He makes me laugh and I do love him…however he has no work ethic or ambition. He’s the type of person who is always making big plans (that never come to fruition) but they involve someone else doing the work and him sitting back to benefit. He also has a mean streak. He can be very cruel when he drinks, which is often. He’s shaped up recently, and he’s doing very well, but he has shaped up before and then backslid so I’m not confident it will stick.
On one hand we’ve built a life together and I cannot afford to live by myself. On the other, I feel like if I don’t leave before I’m 30 I never will and I might regret it. And I want more. I want marriage, kids, the whole thing. I’d like a kind man, with the potential to be a good father, who has more of a provider mindset rather than one who will quit jobs without a plan, or work low paying jobs and look to me all the time to carry the financial burden. I pay for a solid 75% of our expenses, but we do live in a house his family owns.
Anyone whose been in a similar situation, what did you do? How did your life end up, would you go back and go it differently? I feel like I’m a fool for believing he’ll change but then I feel like a bitch for not believing in him.

Troubleshooting Help:

What is your parts list? Consider formatting your parts list.

Type	Item
CPU	Intel Core i5-13400F 2.5 GHz 10-Core Processor
CPU Cooler	be quiet! Pure Rock Slim 2 CPU Cooler
Motherboard	MSI MAG Z790 TOMAHAWK WIFI ATX LGA1700 Motherboard
Memory	G.Skill Ripjaws S5 32 GB (2 x 16 GB) DDR5-5600 CL28 Memoryy
Storage	Samsung 980 Pro 2 TB M.2-2280 PCIe 4.0 X4 NVME Solid State Drive
Video Card	Gigabyte EAGLE OC GeForce RTX 4060 8 GB Video Card
Case	DIYPC Silence ATX Mid Tower Case
Power Supply	EVGA SuperNOVA 750 P5 750 W 80+ Platinum Certified Fully Modular ATX Power Supply

Describe your problem. List any error messages and symptoms. Be descriptive.
I built a new PC at the beginning of April and have had issues with unrecoverable freezes.
The freeze/crash does not generate a BSOD or any critical/fatal message in EventViewer. The computer just stops responding and whatever image was on the monitor will stay there indefinitely until I hold the power button.
The freezes do seem slightly more likely to occur when under load, but load tests don't seem to cause it. Most common scenario is gaming w/ youtube playing. Though it has happened completely idle as well.
Sometimes boot will fail and the diagnostics lights indicate either DRAM or VGA (never CPU or Boot). But simply retrying is generally successful.
List anything you've done in attempt to diagnose or fix the problem.

• Windows Memory Diagnostics Tool. It --almost-- always passes. It has failed once. It showed "Hardware problems were detected. To identify and repair these problems, you will need to contact the computer manufacturer" for a bit. However, I never saw the final report output in EventViewer of that diagnostics because at 37% complete the aforementioned freeze happened and it did not complete. Which makes me think the failure was a symptom of a different issue, not actually RAM hardware issues.
  
• Intel Processor Diagnostic Tool
  
• Several different load tests for memory, CPU, GPU, and storage. The freeze has not occurred while running any of those. Temperatures are fine.
  
• Re-seating everything except the CPU. LGA pins make me nervous and aren't covered by the MSI warrant for some reason so that's a last resort to me.
  
• A lot of BIOS/OC settings. None have seemed to effect the issue.
  

Provide any additional details you wish below.
I'm not sure which part would cause this behavior if having issues. Any suggestions on what else to try and how to diagnose something with no logs or consistency would be appreciated.