I (f) have a older sister who we will call Jane, Jane has always been somewhat of a trouble child. She would always abuse and scream until she got her way, she was also very hyperactive. She used to hit me and call me names targeting directly my weighth and looks, I have been told by many that she was the prettier sister. Anyways I am somewhat of a pushover so I let people walk all over me and bully me, my sister was my biggest bully. I get yelled at a lot for stuff, no matter how small, today she yelled at me because our dog was goinf crazy. It was like she thought I could mind control our dog. I went shopping with my family after school, my sister was at home. I got home and unlocked the door, I asked her if she could hold the dog as I was carrying items in my arms. All I got in response was “No just open the door, stop being dramatic.” I yelled at her to “get the bloody dog!” And she finally did grumpily. I got in and she immediately let go of the dog. It made me drop everything, I put my stuff on the table and she started going off on me. About how I dropped the stuff and how much of an idiot I was. Without thinking I punched her square in the face, I kept wailing on her before screamjng at her to get the f out of my house. All she said was, “you’re lucky I didn’t knock you out.” She left and I stormed away. So, AMITA? Or was I in the right???

My (F48) daughter(F20)has started doing this around our apartment. She was out of sight for a few days and avoiding me so I asked her if everything was okay and how she was doing. She said that she wished she had her own place and more space. Of course she does, who wants to live with their mother at her age? But it’s California and rent is expensive. I provide a roof over her head while she’s going to school with zero rent. She said she just doesn’t want to talk to me and if she does want to interact she will let me know. She will approach me. Text her if I have something I need.
I asked her why couldn’t she just warn me if she was in a mood, let me know and I can avoid her. It’s like walking on eggshells in my own home. She wanted to talk about it more but considering she didn’t think there was a reasonable compromise, I didn’t think there was anything to talk about.
ight I come out of my room and tell her I made some dinner and there’s extra in the fridge. The response is a glare and “Can you text me?” as she’s at the sink in the kitchen, our very small apartment Kitchen. I needed to get the tea I had brewing and I told her I am going to finish what I am doing and then I will get out of her way. Get my tea and attempt to leave. I feel like I have to live in my bedroom when she’s like this.
She felt I wasn’t honoring “our agreement” or listening to her.
I absolutely understanding wanting space and I honor that. But I don’t understand why being polite about it is unreasonable? Why I can’t ask a simple question? Am I expecting too much? There should be a reasonable expectation of minor communication so we can navigate around each other. I think her behavior is childish and that she needs to understand that regardless of your mood, you still treat people with a minimal amount of respect. I think I’m mostly disappointed with her behavior.

In my DV case I was hit in the head a few times and suffered from tbi for the first 3 days I couldn’t sit still my crying spells were all over the place my rage was something I’ve never experienced before and couldn’t stop it took me 2 weeks to feel okay after my face swelling also went down. Fast forward this is my second experience where I feel my head pressure building and the small things get me bad I’m rocking back and forth crying for hours non stop my emotional depression and anxiety are through the roof thinking of life ending scenarios that I can’t move out my brain and I feel crazy.
After social media and chat gpt and going through my notes I think it’s this tbi flare up well going forward my sleep is weird to I tried so hard to get my house clean and I had a plan but I went to sleep instead I was upset but had my end of day to do
After getting in a car accident today everything in my mind went out to straight rage at the lady who hit me and the cops who gave me the citation I was LIVID i couldn’t speak I kept stuttering and I think they took it as a weakness because they took her side and I started yelling like I never have before the cops started threatening me to go to jail and call cops and THAT MADE ME EXTRA MAD I don’t know what to do
Going home after and seeing how bad people were mad about me speaking and stuttering has me feel even more upset that I can’t get my life back
After this relationship I’m just never going to be the same and I’m so hurt small regulars tasks are getting harder and this recovery feels like it’ll never happen

MI has qualified for the playoffs 10 times, KKR has qualified 8 times (including this year), Hyderabad has qualified 8 times (results pending this year)while RCB has qualified 8 times as well (results pending for this year).
The other teams have trophies to show but for RCB it's been so close yet so far everytime.
IPL 2009 - Finals. 45 required of 36 balls. 6 wickets in hand that too of Ross Taylor, Virat Kohli, Mark Boucher, Utthapa. RCB lose the finals
IPL 2010 - Semis. Meet the favourites MI in the semis. Did have a strong line up - Kallis, Dravid, Kevin Pieterson, Utthapa, Ross Taylor, Kohli, Dale Steyn, Praveen Kumar, kumble. But gave too many runs in the last 5 overs
IPL 2011 - Finals. played CSK in Chennai. Were beaten comprehensively
IPL 2012 - no one talks about this year but RCB messed up their last game. RCB had to win their last match against Deccan charger to qualify and throw csk out of the playoffs. RCB restrict Deccan Chargers for 132. While chasing RCB needed 30 runs from 25 balls with 6 wickets In hand. RCB crumbled, lost the match. The team was strong with Gayle, Dilshan, ABD, Kohli, Saurabh tiwary, Muralitharan, Zaheer
IPL 2013 and 2014 - Ended up 5th and 7th
IPL 2015 - Qualifier 2. RCB's last match was against Delhi Daredevils. Had they won that match, they would end up 2nd on the table and would have 2 chances for the cup. Unfortunately the match was abandoned (Delhi made 187, RCB had played only 1 over). RCB lost the qualifier 2 against CSK
IPL 2016 - Finals. Chasing 209 at their home ground, RCB are 140/1 with required run rate less than 10. The middle order collapsed and RCB loses by 8 runs. Virat and ABD were 1 and 3 in total runs scored that season. Chahal and Watson were 2 and 3 in total wickets taken. Second final which they should have won but slipped through their hands
IPL 2017, 2018 and 2019 - definitely the worst years of RCB. Ended up last, 6th and last respectively. In 2018, their last match against RR was a knockout. The winner would make the playoffs. RR defeated RCB. In 2018, RCB decided to retain Sarfaraz Khan (less money for uncapped player) but left out KL Rahul.
IPL 2020 - Eliminator. RCB were strong favourites to finish top 2. They had 7 wins from their first 10 matches. They lost 4 on the trot and also their fifth one which was the Eliminator against SRH
IPL 2021 - Eliminator. Won 9 out of 14 games. Collapsed against KKR on a slow surface in Sharjah. The match that costed them the top 2 position was their match against SRH. SRH scored 141, RCB lost the match by 4 runs. Devdutt padikkal scored a 52 ball 41. Srikar Bharat was sent above Maxwell and ABD (who came in at no 6)
IPL 2022 - Qualifier 2. With Hasaranga and Hazelwood in the team, bowling looked quite strong. Strong batting line up - Faf, Virat (although was not in form), Patidar, Maxwell, DK. But banged into red hot butler who scored a century in the qualifier 2.
IPL 2023 - Needed to win their last match against GT. Virat scored a brilliant century only to be bettered by Shubman Gill.
RCB, apart from 2017-19, has been a very consistent team. They should have won two titles - 2009 and 2016 and one of 2020,21 or 22. This year RCB has come back into the playoffs race from an almost impossible position. Their batting is brilliant, bowling is slowly coming into work with everyone contributing. Hopefully their luck continues (you need that luck to win titles - drop catches, free hits at a right time etc) and finally they will have a trophy against their name. Not jinxing it, hoping for the best.

MI has qualified for the playoffs 10 times, KKR has qualified 8 times (including this year), Hyderabad has qualified 8 times (results pending this year)while RCB has qualified 8 times as well (results pending for this year).
The other teams have trophies to show but for RCB it's been so close yet so far everytime.
IPL 2009 - Finals. 45 required of 36 balls. 6 wickets in hand that too of Ross Taylor, Virat Kohli, Mark Boucher, Utthapa. RCB lose the finals
IPL 2010 - Semis. Meet the favourites MI in the semis. Did have a strong line up - Kallis, Dravid, Kevin Pieterson, Utthapa, Ross Taylor, Kohli, Dale Steyn, Praveen Kumar, kumble. But gave too many runs in the last 5 overs
IPL 2011 - Finals. played CSK in Chennai. Were beaten comprehensively
IPL 2012 - no one talks about this year but RCB messed up their last game. RCB had to win their last match against Deccan charger to qualify and throw csk out of the playoffs. RCB restrict Deccan Chargers for 132. While chasing RCB needed 30 runs from 25 balls with 6 wickets In hand. RCB crumbled, lost the match. The team was strong with Gayle, Dilshan, ABD, Kohli, Saurabh tiwary, Muralitharan, Zaheer
IPL 2013 and 2014 - Ended up 5th and 7th
IPL 2015 - Qualifier 2. RCB's last match was against Delhi Daredevils. Had they won that match, they would end up 2nd on the table and would have 2 chances for the cup. Unfortunately the match was abandoned (Delhi made 187, RCB had played only 1 over). RCB lost the qualifier 2 against CSK
IPL 2016 - Finals. Chasing 209 at their home ground, RCB are 140/1 with required run rate less than 10. The middle order collapsed and RCB loses by 8 runs. Virat and ABD were 1 and 3 in total runs scored that season. Chahal and Watson were 2 and 3 in total wickets taken. Second final which they should have won but slipped through their hands
IPL 2017, 2018 and 2019 - definitely the worst years of RCB. Ended up last, 6th and last respectively. In 2018, their last match against RR was a knockout. The winner would make the playoffs. RR defeated RCB. In 2018, RCB decided to retain Sarfaraz Khan (less money for uncapped player) but left out KL Rahul.
IPL 2020 - Eliminator. RCB were strong favourites to finish top 2. They had 7 wins from their first 10 matches. They lost 4 on the trot and also their fifth one which was the Eliminator against SRH
IPL 2021 - Eliminator. Won 9 out of 14 games. Collapsed against KKR on a slow surface in Sharjah. The match that costed them the top 2 position was their match against SRH. SRH scored 141, RCB lost the match by 4 runs. Devdutt padikkal scored a 52 ball 41. Srikar Bharat was sent above Maxwell and ABD (who came in at no 6)
IPL 2022 - Qualifier 2. With Hasaranga and Hazelwood in the team, bowling looked quite strong. Strong batting line up - Faf, Virat (although was not in form), Patidar, Maxwell, DK. But banged into red hot butler who scored a century in the qualifier 2.
IPL 2023 - Needed to win their last match against GT. Virat scored a brilliant century only to be bettered by Shubman Gill.
RCB, apart from 2017-19, has been a very consistent team. They should have won two titles - 2009 and 2016 and one of 2020,21 or 22. This year RCB has come back into the playoffs race from an almost impossible position. Their batting is brilliant, bowling is slowly coming into work with everyone contributing. Hopefully their luck continues (you need that luck to win titles - drop catches, free hits at a right time etc) and finally they will have a trophy against their name. Not jinxing it, hoping for the best.

Hello there everyone, before anything I do have to state that I have to be vague about a lot of this stuff since it is TW as well as legal things so here, we are. Fake Names used
For a little back story, I 20 F then 19 F met my ex-boyfriend 21 M (20 then) in December of 2023. I was renting out a room in a house that wasn't in the safest area but the cheapest rent in the area so I couldn't complain much, but I talked to my landlord who told me I needed to move out by the first week of January of 2024. I had a stable job and almost 1k in savings, so I wasn't to worry about trying to find a place but the area I lived in was way too expensive and most places were denying me. I decide one day that I would go on bumble on the friends and dating part of the app to get connected with people in the area since I didn't have many friends at the time. I met my ex-boyfriend, Jacob. He was engaged and in an open relationship, from what I was told from both parties, it was open long before I met Jacob. I did meet his fiancée Lila, she was about my age only a few weeks older than I was. (20 F).
It was really stupid of me I know but I was also trying to enter my idgaf era, about two days after our first date we hooked up at his place with Lila joining in. After a night of the devil's tango, I asked Jacob if we were together or just FBW since I know that I connect with people to quickly and get attached (childhood Trauma doesn't matter) anyway, he gave me a kiss and smiled, saying that we were dating now. and honestly, I was overjoyed, he promised I could stay with him and Lila until I could find a place for myself, and I was thankful. But I wouldn't be making this post if there wasn't a turn for the worst, He had convinced me many times to call out of work because he needed me and needed help with cleaning. So, I did this ended up costing me my job and slowly I had to eat away at my savings because I didn't have a job. Door Dash became my best friend for money. Fast forward a bit since I don't really know when's the best time to start explaining more.
He landed a job at a Greek food shop about half a mile away from the apartment complex that we were at and he asked if I could drive him to and from work since he didn't have a car, I said sure but he needed to walk or get a bike off of FB marketplace because I couldn't always be his ride to work since I needed to find my own job. He got a bit mad at this because I wouldn't drive him to and from work and he got tired of having to do it, so he stopped working, so three people in an apartment building with almost no way to pay rent. Before people come at me asking why I didn't help with rent that was because when I moved in we agreed that I would help with grocery's, cooking dinners and cleaning the kitchen, and I agreed since I would much rather do dishes then laundry. About another two weeks after this Greek job fail, I landed a job as a nanny for an amazing family and a very adorable five-month-old. I loved this family so much and they were so kind and open and very accepting of everything. It almost felt like my dream job.
Jacob was happy for me to same with Lila and honestly, I thought this was going to be perfect, I didn't know it then but after putting puzzle pieces together I found out that he had well, taken advantage of me, on my birthday to be exact.
After I found this out, I decide to leave for a few days to one of my friends place about two hours away from the apartment, Lila told me she would play devils advice and figure out exactly what was happening because at this point, we both knew we needed to get out of this relationship but didn't know how. So, when I was leaving to go to my friends, he deiced to throw himself on my car preventing me to leave, I rolled down my window, stupid of me I know. I told him that he needed to leave, he started crying saying that he needed me and that he couldn't be alone. I remined him that his soon to be wife was in the apartment and wanted to spend time with him, he said that he couldn't do it alone and couldn't bear the thought of me leaving, I had to call Lila out of the apartment to get him off my car since he was hanging on my car door. After almost forty minutes of me telling him to get off of the car he finally let go and went back into the apartment, I stayed at my friends for about a day before he was blowing up my phone begging me to come back and that he needed me and couldn't go on without me. My friend suggested I stayed a little bit longer at their place but I said no and that I needed to go help him. So I left later that next day and what I came home to was a mess, the apartment trashed and disorganized, my stuff thrown everywhere and messy. We talked about his reaction to it all and he consistently made himself the victim.
He constantly tried to get me pregnant, almost every day he was trying, while I was telling him I didn't want to be tied down for the next 18 or 19 years of my life taking care of something too stupid to care of itself, I couldn't even take care of myself sometimes lmao (I would like kids in the future but I just don't want one at the age of twenty) Eventually Lila and I knew we needed to get out of this relationship since he was becoming more and more toxic demanding that we give him our phones so he could search through them. I denied hard, I believe that your partner shouldn't search through your phone, if you need to use it go ahead if you wish. But I'll be damned if I'm letting someone forcefully going through my phone because of their insecurities. He constantly gaslit us as well as lying about everything and how we were the issue, never him. Manipulation was almost like his superpower. As well as many other things I really don't wish to get into.
Idk when to skip to but after a lot of secretly planning and scheming, my friend in another state agreed to allow us to move into her place to get away from him and to start a new life almost, and honestly so far it's been great. I have a stable job, some new friends and honestly it couldn't be better. I did call the police and filed a report on him, but since he lives in a whole other city than the city it happened in it taking a lot longer than one would hope. But just recently I had this large gut feeling, something I hadn't felt since the night I met Jacob. I ignored it that time and this time I refused to ignore it. So here is where I am asking if AITA. After much self-debate I called his father and told him most about what happened how it happened and not where I am, but I just told him that I am in a safe place. I wasn't expecting much because as a parent of a child who does something like that what would be the right responds.
(I do not have a child idk why I need to specify that but yeah)
It took me a while to write this, but I really need some unbiased opinions, a lot of people are saying I am in the wrong and a few close ones says that I am in the right, so what better way to find opinions?
So AITA?

My wife recently had her 2nd C-section due to pregnancy complications, and was discharged several days later. On top of being exhausted, she was still in considerable pain since they cut through scar tissue from her first c-section.
On the day of her discharge, my job as her husband seemed clear enough: safely get her to our car with minimal hassle so we can finally go home! So after wheeling my wife to the front hospital entrance, I quickly run to get my car, pull up to the patient pickup area, and throw on my hazard lights.
To get to my wife, though, I have to cross the valet lane on foot. As I'm doing that, my focus is interrupted by a JARRING car horn coming from a gigantic SUV less than one foot from my body. I glance to my side to see this rich older Karen and her baboon looking son wildly gesticulating at me with disgusted looks on their faces to move my car. It was the classic "who farted??" look that entitled white Karens give when something doesn't go their way.
Except... their car was parallel to mine, which made her demand that much more confusing.

1 - Why was she in the valet lane, when she wasn't planning to use the valet? (Answer: she got in the wrong lane)

2 - Why not throw the car in reverse since there was nobody behind them and could easily rectify her mistake in less than 10 seconds?

3 - If option #2 is seemingly too complicated, then why not drink a nice tall glass of stfu and wait for the ONE CAR in front of you to finish their business and move?

Nope. She chose Option #4, ie the one that requires the least amount of effort: hold down her horn until other people solve her problems.
Now I'm known for being calm and diplomatic in both private and professional settings — but this tweaked a nerve deep down that is especially reserved for entitled Boomers who have zero regard for your personal circumstances.
So I gave her a "what's your deal?" look and she rolls down her window. I then proceed to directly (and very loudly) explain my family's situation and how it connects to me temporarily leaving my car. And what is her response? She plays it off with a "Why are you so mad?!" with a little laugh, right out of the Tucker Carlson School of obnoxious gaslighting.
Ofc I'm exasperated at this point, and my wife is still waiting. However, luckily one of the hospital workers saw the whole thing and wheeled my wife to my car. As this is happening, the car in front of Karen moves (~2 minutes later) and she drives off. What made me feel somewhat better was the hospital worker walks up to me as we're loading up and goes "I have a lot to say about that lady but it might get me fired!"
Stupidity followed by entitlement, followed by gaslighting. Does it get any more Boomer than this?

NOTE: this Karen definitely was not there for some type of emergency because there's a separate hospital section for that. Likely she was leaving after picking up her son, or was there to visit someone.

hi guys. i (20f) have suffered from extreme depression and anxiety pretty much all my life. around 17 things got worse and because of my actions and behaviors doctors spoke about bpd or bipolar but i never got diagnosed. but my mental health tends to be pretty up and down. i graduated high school in ‘22 and due to my mental health decided to attend a local university and stay at home. its been two years now and i have moments but for the most part ive been pretty stable. i recently applied to transfer to the college i originally planned on attending and got in! but this means next fall i am moving away to live alone about 3 1/2 hours away. i have friends at the campus im mostly worried about not being to handle being on my own without the support of my parents.i know it doesnt seem very far away but my parents are so supportive and help me with so much, especially my mom. and going to college at home has only made me closer to her as my schedule is not as packed as high school so im home with her all day pretty much. i think i have separation anxiety from my parents and im really scared to leave them :( i also have two sisters at home who im really close with. i know i worked really hard to get to this point and i mostly feel ready and i know its time to try and be an adult but im really anxious about the entire thing.

Okay, so, am I the asshole... I want to give a little background. So, my husband works hard and tends to show his love by bringing home money. Today is my birthday, and for the past two years, he has completely forgotten my birthday (2 years ago), and then bought me a gift last year but no card, cake, etc - just bought something that I literally told him to buy so he wouldnt have to think about it. In past, even when he does buy cards, he doesn't "fill them in" as he calls it, just gives me blank cards. So, I have tried for many years to tell him that my bday is very important to me, I grew up with narcotics addicts and they never celebrated it, and that I want to feel like he thought about me. I also regularly tell him that, while I appreciate him working hard, I sometimes need him to show me love in the ways I receive it, which is through quality time and thoughtful gestures. I would far rather get a handwritten note than a bought gift, and I fully recognize there is probably privilege in that statement in that my needs are met. So last year, I bought my own cake - and I told him that I no longer wanted to celebrate my birthday because it always ends up being hurtful. This year, I bought my own gifts (farming overalls that I LOVE), and told myself I would have zero expectations. My birthday present to myself was to have an uninterrupted day to work on the farm (it's planting season, and I am behind). I had a really great day - super productive and was feeling great, still working at 5:30 when my husband called and said he would be home late, and asked me to pick up my own cake. I told him that being asked made me feel resentful, and if I were to go get it I'd feel more resentful, so no, I was not going to go pick it up. He said well, I guess you will just eat cake tomorrow then, I said that's fine. He got short and snippy and hung up. Fast forward an hour, he gets home with the cake - and proceeds to tell me that he and his barely adult employee have both talked about me all the way home, and that his employee thinks I'm conceited and that I just need to go back to work and quit being so entitled. (More background, I worked full time as a CPA until 5 years ago, always was the breadwinner, and then got sick with a lifelong issue and could no longer do it. Now I farm our property, which has mostly been start up costs, but is now making okay income, and something we had both agreed to do and wanted to do for 15+ years. I also parent our children mostly solo, make all meals, clean the house, do all dr visits, all kid outings, parties, etc. - I am always incredibly busy and still very hard-working)... anyway, I feel super betrayed by him bad-mouthing me... I feel embarrassed... but I don't feel like I was wrong. I didn't think it was fair for him to ask me to stop what I was doing, nor did it feel fair to myself to have to go get my own cake again, so I drew a boundary. Was I out of line? I mean, I questioned myself on this before saying no, but I know I would have felt resentful if I went to get it. I just want to feel like he thought about ME, not just tossed money at something careless... I don't even like cake and never have... which, whatever, it's a traditional birthday thing... but it just feels like he is checking the box. Here is the requisite cake, your unfilled out card (there wasn't actually any card), and buy yourself a gift you like... the love part feels like it's missing. Am I crazy? Am I an entitled shit? Am I the asshole here?

“Ready to make history, baby?”
I looked over toward Sheila as she stood on the gangplank leading up to The Burger. I still couldn’t believe she named our research ship ‘The Burger’... emotional relevance be damned.
“It's not exactly history,” I corrected.
“Oh come on! If your survey is right, this trench might run even deeper than the Challenger Deep, and you’re gonna be the first person to explore it! How is that not exciting?”
“Might be deeper, we only have a limited amount of topological data. And even if it is deeper, we’re talking only a few hundred feet at most, it’s really not that im-”
Sheila silenced me with a kiss.
“Nerd.” She teased, and I found myself too flustered to reply. After five years of marriage, she still could leave me speechless with just a kiss. God… how did someone like me end up with a woman like that?
Then again, how did someone like me end up where I was in general? It was honestly a little overwhelming. Standing on the dock, getting ready to board that ship and join the ranks of Jacques Piccard and James Cameron (yes, that James Cameron) as one of the few people to take a manned submersible down to the deepest parts of the ocean. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared too. Diving down that deep could easily be a one way trip if even the slightest thing went wrong. My submarine would be experiencing between 600 to 1100 atmospheres of pressure and while we’d tested it over and over again to make sure it would actually be up for the challenge, there was still a lingering iota of doubt in the back of my mind. All that needed to go wrong was one little thing, and that would be it for me.
The scariest part is that I probably wouldn’t even know what had happened… I’d simply be gone… and Sheila would be alone. The thought of that caused a momentary spike of panic in my chest that almost made me want to call this whole thing off.
Almost.
But, then I felt her hand close around mine. I looked up into her bright blue eyes, and saw her gentle smile.
“You’re gonna be okay, hun,” She promised. “You and your team have been running the numbers, right? It’s gonna go just fine!”
I nodded slowly.
“It’s gonna go fine…” I repeated, before she leaned in to kiss me, and gently pulled me by the wrist up onto the deck of the Burger.
She was probably right.
It probably would be fine.
Probably…
The trench I’d be exploring was a fairly recent discovery, located south of Greenland, in a vast stretch of water situated directly between Newfoundland and Iceland. It’d been uncovered during a topological survey in the area, and my team had taken an interest in investigating it further. At minimum, it was believed to descend to about 35,000 feet deep (over 10,000 meters), although the current theory was that it might have run even deeper. Determining the exact depth of the yet unnamed chasm was just one of the intents of our dive. The rest was studying the organisms that might be found down there, and how they might have differed from the ones found in other deep ocean trenches (some variation being expected given the isolated environment they were developing in.)
I had to admit, it would be exciting to see what new life might have developed in a place such as this, especially if it ran even deeper than our predictions… and that excitement was enough to make me chase the fear of the risks out of my mind, even if it was only briefly. While Sheila went to make sure we were ready to embark, I caught myself wandering out toward the rear of the ship where my submarine, The Tempura, waited for me. Did this submarine deserve a better name than The Tempura? Probably. But, this was my project, so I got to name it and since Burger was already taken, Tempura was the next best name I had. I liked to think that the subs namesake might approve… if she hadn’t died fifteen years ago. Shrimp don’t live very long.
As the ship began to depart, I caught myself reminiscing on how I’d ended up here… it really was all because of those damn shrimp, wasn’t it? Well… maybe not all because of the shrimp. But they were certainly part of it. Back when I was a lot younger, I never really gave much of a shit about anything at all. I guess I did have a thing for the ocean… the great, romantic vastness of it. The sense of adventure that it beckoned with. The endless mysteries that lay within its dark depths. I used to read about it all the time when I was a kid and I especially loved the classic adventures: Verne’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, and Melville’s Moby Dick… but that love was just confined to my books. I didn’t really have any interest in actually going out and seeing the ocean. Hell, the idea of going to a beach and standing in the sun with my toes in the sand seemed miserable to me. I was happier (although calling myself happy might’ve been a little disingenuous) alone in my room, enjoying the company of books as opposed to people.
Then came the shrimp.
One of my online friends kept them as a hobby. He used to post pictures of his tanks all the time, and I always thought they looked kinda cool. He said that if I was interested in them, I should try keeping some for myself, and during a particularly bad bout of depression, I figured that maybe it might be worth a shot. So, I bought a cheap tank and some cheap decorations, bought myself some shrimp… and promptly watched them die over the next few weeks. That… that bothered me. I don’t know why but… it really bothered me. I’m still not entirely sure how to describe what it was that I was feeling. Guilt? Defeat? Shame? Here I was, trying to set up a habitat for these creatures just to have something to do to keep the suicidal ideation at bay, and I’d failed almost right out of the gate.
Was I just that bad? Was I just that much of a failure? Was this just going to go to shit just like everything else in my life did, because I was just such an abysmal piece of shit who barely deserved the life she had? Had I just not tried hard enough? Was I too apathetic? What had happened? What went wrong?
It bothered me.
It bothered me enough that I made up my mind to just dump the remaining shrimp down the toilet and toss everything. Forget about it. Move on. End of story. But… that wasn’t fair, was it? The shrimp didn’t all deserve to die just because I couldn’t be bothered, did they? Sure, they were just shrimp, but they were alive too, just like me. They deserved to be alive.
I owed it to them to try and keep them alive, didn’t I?
So… I didn’t dump the shrimp.
Instead, I started doing some reading. Started looking into what I was doing wrong and how to do it all better. I actually got really into it and a few months later, I had a nice planted tank. Looking back, it was amateur shit… but it made me happy. I’d even picked out names for my two favorite shrimp. Burger and Tempura. They’d been the last survivors of my original batch, and they were the ones I ended up caring about the most. Caring for Burger and Tempura gave me a purpose. It became an obsession… and that little obsession drove me to finally start turning my life around.
Like I said, shrimp don’t live for very long. Burger and Tempura were long dead by the time I graduated with a degree in Marine Biology. But they were the ones who inspired me to finally get my life in order. Hell, the shrimp were half the reason that I met Sheila. She was something of an aquarium fanatic too… we’d met on a forum, and gotten to talking. I found out that she just so happened to be studying Marine Biology at another school, and we bonded pretty quickly after that. After graduation, I moved to California to be with her and after that, the rest is history. She was my rock. She was the one who always pushed me to be the best possible version of myself… and I loved her more than I ever knew I could love someone.
A glance back at the shore, fading into the distance tore me out of my reminiscing, and I shifted my focus to the present, going over The Tempura to perform some quick checks. My colleagues and I would be checking and rechecking the submarine over the next two days as we made our way toward the dive spot. Considering the danger that descending that deep posed, I didn’t want to take a single unnecessary risk.
I had too much to live for, after all.
***
The day of the dive, I couldn’t notice how excited the rest of the crew seemed… well… Sheila’s usual crew seemed excited. I guess to them, this was just another research expedition, no different than the ones Sheila usually took this ship out on. Lately her research had been focused on the analysis and study of whale calls. Her recent voyages had involved following their pods, recording their calls and playing them back to see how the whales reacted. It was fascinating stuff, but my research was admittedly a lot different than that.
My obsession had drawn me to the denizens of the deep sea. I’d used The Burger for expeditions before, although none of them had been on quite the same scale as this one. Up until today, the most ambitious thing I’d done was send down unmanned submersibles with cameras. Those submersibles had typically returned. We had lost a few early on due to technical glitches, but the past few years had been blissfully uneventful. Logically, this dive would probably be uneventful as well. But it was still hard to get the jitters out of my head.
My team and I did the final checks necessary to make sure that The Tempura was good to go, before setting up the crane to begin lifting it up. In less than an hour, I’d be inside of that thing, descending to the darkest depths of the ocean.
It didn’t feel real.
I felt Sheila’s hand on my shoulder, and looked over at her.
“Moment of truth, huh?” She asked. She probably meant it to sound encouraging, but it just sounded ominous.
“Moment of truth…” I replied.
“You’re gonna be okay, honey. I know you will.”
She reached out to gently squeeze my hand and gave me a reassuring smile that I meekly returned.
“Yeah, it’s gonna be okay,” I agreed, although there was an element of a lie in it. Statistically, yes. It probably WOULD be okay. But there was that lingering anxiety in the back of my mind that just wouldn’t go away. I looked quietly out at the submarine before me and couldn’t shake the thought that it sort of looked like a giant coffin. Unconsciously, I found myself squeezing Sheila’s hand tighter than normal. She just held me close and pressed a kiss to the top of my head, before gently rubbing my back.
“You’ll be okay,” She promised.
“Dr. Jenner, we’re ready for you.” I heard one of my colleagues say.
Moment of truth.
I took one last look at Sheila, and gave her a quick kiss on the lips for luck. She smiled at me, and I smiled back anxiously at her before heading over toward the submarine.
The crew helped me enter the cockpit and get myself situated inside. The cockpit of the Tempura was fairly cramped and not particularly comfortable. Space and comfort aren’t really luxuries you can afford in a submarine like this. The instruments I needed took up a lot of space, leaving little room for me in there… and I am not a very big person.
Once I was inside, they sealed the hatch. Then the diagnostics checks began.
“Grayson, can you hear us in there?” I heard Sheila say through the radio.
“Loud and clear,” I replied.
“Great. We’ll keep in constant radio contact, just to monitor the signal. In the meanwhile, how’s everything looking in there?”
“Green across the board so far,” I said, although I hadn’t finished running all my final checks yet. Ultimately, nothing was out of place.
This submarine was as good to go as it was going to get.
“I’m all good in here,” I said once I was done. “You can drop me when you’re ready.”
“You got it, honey. Let’s get you in the water, run one final round of tests and start lowering you down.”
A short while later, I felt the submarine begin to move as the crane lifted it off the deck and lowered it into the water. The Tempura honestly resembled its namesake in a way, being long and cigar shaped, only vertically oriented instead of horizontally oriented. We’d admittedly taken more than a few design cues from James Cameron’s Deepsea Challenger. Why fix what isn’t broken, after all?
Once I was in the water, a 1000 pound releasable ballast weight would cause the submarine to sink. Releasing that weight was also my ticket back to the surface, and I could either trigger it from inside the cockpit, or, in the event that the release failed for any reason, it would trigger automatically after roughly 12 hours of exposure to salt water.
Ideally, this would be the first of a number of dives I’d be undertaking… and if all went according to plan, the Tempura could be the first of many similar submarines that would allow other researchers to safely and effectively descend to extreme depths. If all went well, this could be a massive leap forward for researchers like me, allowing us to better explore the deepest depths of the Hadal Zone and learn all we could about the ecosystems down there via direct observation.
If all went well.
If.
Through the viewport, I watched as I was lowered into the ocean. A few of the other crew members had donned diving gear to escort me down, and after they did their final checks and I did mine, we were fully ready to go.
“All’s green across the board,” I said into the radio. “You can start my descent.”
“I hear you, honey,” Sheila replied. “We’re letting you go. Have fun down there.”
“Yeah, I’ll try…” I said quietly as finally, my submarine began its descent.
I took a deep breath, and told myself again that everything would go fine. We had checked everything on this submarine. We’d tested it rigorously. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to set foot inside of it if I hadn’t personally assured that it was safe. But anxiety never really goes away, does it? The crew couldn’t accompany me far. After only a few meters, they fell behind me as I sank deeper and deeper into the infinite, empty blue of the ocean. Soon after, the tether was released.
I was officially on my own.
“60 feet,” I heard Sheila say over the radio. “How are you doing in there?”
“Good,” I replied. “Doing… doing good.”
The submarine continued to descend. Through the viewport, I could see a few stray fish, but nothing particularly eye catching. I almost felt alone down there… almost…
“120 feet…” Sheila said.
“Still doing good,” I replied.
The descent continued, as the waters slowly grew darker and darker.
“400 feet…”
Everything around me just kept getting darker and darker. Only a fraction of the light from the sun ever reached these depths… and I’d be lying if I said that darkness didn’t feel a little… oppressive.
“800 feet… still feeling good?”
“Yeah, still feeling good…” I said, although it was a bit of a lie. If anything, I was second guessing all of this, but I wasn’t about to say that out loud.
“1000 feet… still good?”
“Still good…” I murmured. “I hear you loud and clear.”
Deeper… deeper… deeper.
“1500 feet…”
Three miles. I was three miles away from home. Three miles away from Sheila.
“2000 feet…”
Still a ways to go.
“3000 feet…”
By this point, it was fully dark outside of my cockpit. Outside, all I could see was inky darkness. Even the submarine’s lights didn’t really cut through it. And the kicker? Relatively speaking, I wasn’t that deep. Fishing trawlers reached deeper than this. Better to conserve power until I was at the bottom. My descent continued.
“6000 feet… still good?”
“Still good…”
The check ins were becoming less frequent. My descent still continued… deeper… deeper… deeper. By now, I’d entered the Hadal Zone. But there was still so much deeper o go.
“8000 feet…”
This was past the depths that most whales would dive to… and I still had a ways to go.
“10,000 feet.”
This was close to where the ocean floor usually bottomed out… and yet there was still so much further to go. No. I was really only a third of the way there. How long had it been?Not much had happened beyond my descent and a few sightings out of my viewport, but time had been passing. A glance at my watch confirmed it’d been almost an hour since I’d started to sink… and I knew I wasn’t even close to the bottom yet. The submarine continued to descend, sinking ever deeper as I dropped into an infinite darkness that few had ever dared to witness.
“15,000 feet.”
This check in came later than the others. At this point, Sheila and the crew must have figured that no news was good news, and they were right. I just continued to sink peacefully, down into the crushing depths of the ocean.
These were the depths that one might normally find deep sea fish… and yet I was going somewhere even deeper than that.
“20,000 feet…”
So close…
I continued to sink.
“25,000 feet.”
Soon… and finally…
“30,000 feet. You still doing alright, honey?”
“Yeah… yeah, I’m doing good,” I assured her. I was so close…
By this point, my real work had begun. I’d engaged the lights and begun documenting what little I could see using the on board cameras. Granted, there wasn’t much life at these depths and what little there was, was scarcely documented. Most of what was down here consisted of invertebrates and microscopic life that seemed to float past my viewport.
The light seemed to draw a few creatures in search of food. Small, hardy things that resembled shrimp.
“How’s it looking, Grayson?”
“Dark,” I said, half joking. “We’ve got some life… shrimp. They’re translucent. Can’t get a great look at them… but we’ll see what the cameras pick up.”
“They’ve recognized you as a friend,” Sheila said. I could almost see the smile on her lips as she said it.
“Yeah…” I replied, “Tempura sent them a message, told them I’d be down. How am I looking on depth?”
“35,000 feet… you seeing a bottom yet?”
“No… not that I would until I was there.”
“Damn… how deep does this go?”
“It can’t go that deep…” I murmured, although I really wasn’t so sure about that.
The submarine continued to sink…
36,000 feet…
37,000 feet…
38,000 feet… and then finally, just past the 39,000 foot mark, I finally saw solid ground below me.
Looking through my viewport, I could see a familiar dark brown diatomaceous sludge, covering the seafloor. Microscopic life, likely similar to what had been observed in other deep sea trenches, such as the Challenger Deep.
I needed to gather a sample.
As my submarine reached the bottom, I extended the mechanical arms, pressed flat against the surface of the Tempura, and opened the collection port near the bottom of the ship. Slowly, I sifted some of the sludge into the port. My disturbance of the seafloor kicked up a cloud of the microbial colony, and I could’ve sworn I saw something wiggling through the debris. A pale, white thing, perhaps some sort of sea cucumber? I hastily angled my submarines camera to try and catch a glimpse of it, before returning to my collection. Even in this forlorn place, there was still so much to see! And here I was… completely forgetting my fear as the excitement took hold of me! Few people had ever been down to these unfathomable depths… and yet here I was.
It didn’t feel real but it was! I had reached the deepest part of the ocean!
“How’s it going down there?” I heard Sheila ask. Her voice was a little garbled. The connection down here was faltering.
“It’s beautiful…” I said. “I can’t wait for you to see it!”
“I’ll bet…”
“I’m going to do a sweep of the area, see what samples I can gather,” I said. “What’s my time right now?”
“Three hours. You’ve got nine before your connection to the weight deteriorates and you start to ascend.”
“I’ll make the most of it,” I said. The plan was only to stay down there for six hours, and I didn’t want to push that limit. Life support would only last me for so long, and one little error was all it would take for the ungodly pressure down here to crush me.
I began to move the submarine. Mobility was limited. This thing wasn’t built to travel far. But I still had some limited movement. I recorded all that I could, filming the shrimp that investigated my light, and the things that slithered and crawled through the muck, likely feeding on the carpet of single celled organisms that populated these depths.
The first two hours were… well… I hesitate to call them uneventful, they were actually very fascinating, but little of note happened beyond my recording of a few specimens.
Midway through the third hour though, as I was reaching one of the rock walls of the abyss, I noticed something just above the edge of my viewport swimming away from the light. I could’ve sworn I saw slender, pale tentacles of some sort. Was that a squid? Were there squid down this deep? I wasn’t aware of any species of known squid who could reach these depths… but in this unknown place, what use was the known?
I moved my light and my camera to try and catch another glimpse of it, but whatever it was, it seemed to be gone. Maybe I’d see another one. I still had plenty of time.
“You made a noise. What’d you see?” Sheila asked.
“Something big… I think,” I said.
“Down there? Like a fish?”
“Squid. You wouldn’t find any vertebrates down this deep… the pressure would crush their bones.”
“Jeez…”
I didn’t reply to that, still searching for the thing I’d seen. I shone my light up along the walls of the chasm and angled my camera up as far as it would go. I could see a few volcanic vents, spewing dark clouds into the darkness, and more diatoms. But not much else. Strange invertebrates crawled along the walls. Small creatures, no bigger than an inch long. Related to isopods, perhaps? If I could collect one as a sample, I would have… although taking any of those back to the surface would surely kill them. They were built to live under the impossible pressure of these depths. Taking them to the surface would rip them apart.
I went back to my research, and it wasn’t long until I saw something in the darkness, just on the edge of where my flashlight reached. Trailing white tendrils, snaking their way through the darkness. My eyes narrowed as I moved the submarine forward, trying to catch whatever it was in the light. I saw the shape move, its body turning… I saw its tendrils unfurling. Whatever this was, it was big. It was almost as big as The Tempura… although it was also slender. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought I was looking at some sort of floating debris, but this far down? No. And debris wouldn’t move like that.
This had to be a deepsea squid… or perhaps some other type of cephalopod? Something that preyed upon the various invertebrates down here, perhaps? It seemed to float, just out of sight for a bit, as I tried to get closer. I angled up my light to get a better look at it. The light seemed to shine through it, like some sort of ghost… but I did manage to get a look at it.
Although that look…
That single look made me freeze up.
This things slender tendrils certainly resembled a cephalopod of some sort, but the rest of it… the rest of it looked like something else entirely. Its body was thin, emaciated and translucent, yet despite that it still had characteristics that almost seemed… human. It wasn’t human! Not by any stretch of imagination, but the resemblance was there. It almost reminded me of an exhibit I’d seen in a museum once, depicting a preserved, fully removed human nervous system. I could see a similar shape in its translucent body. Its head seemed almost human as well… albeit with no eyes, and a lamprey like mouth I could only describe as fleshy yet crablike.
Still, despite having no eyes I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was looking at me. And that was when I felt something hit the submarine.
I felt a sudden jolt of panic in my chest. For a moment, I thought that the pressure had started to crush me, but no… no, everything was still fine. Something had just hit me. But what? It didn’t take long before I got my answer.
Another pale creature floated past my viewport, swirling gracefully in the cold dark waters. I watched it for a moment with wide eyes, before noticing its ‘head’ turning slightly toward me. Then, almost instantly, it launched itself at the submarine, darting toward me with blinding speed.
I heard a distinct THUD as its body collided with me, and I could see its pale tendrils pressing against the viewport, twisting and writhing violently. It was trying to attack me. The first creature that I’d seen lunged as well, pounding on my submarine with another THUD. And moments later, I could hear more impacts against the hull. There were more of them… and they did not like having me down there.
“What’s going on?” Sheila asked.
“Somebody doesn’t like me…” I said. “One of the animals down here… some kind of squid, it’s just started attacking the hull.”
“How bad is the damage?”
“Not sure… could be nothing, could be-”
I felt the submarine shake as I tried to move it. The thrusters that pushed me forward weren't responding. Had something gotten caught in it? One of the creatures perhaps?
“Grayson?!” Sheila asked.
“Lost propulsion…” I said. “Fuck… I can’t move.”
“Then drop the weight and come up!”
“No, it’s fine, there’s no other damage, I can still use the port and starboard thrusters to-”
“Grayson!”
I paused. There was genuine panic in her voice… enough to make me realize that even if these things stood little chance of actually breaching the hull, taking the risk would be a fatal mistake.
“I’m on my way up…” I finally said, before reaching out to disengage the ballast weights.
Immediately, I felt myself beginning to rise, although the tentacles clinging to my viewport didn’t disappear.
“We’ve got you…” Sheila said. “Rising up to 38,000 feet.”
The submarine continued to rise, but the creatures clinging to me went nowhere. In fact… I was sure I could see more of them. More pale shapes coming up through the darkness, and these ones filled me with dread. I thought I had been looking at some sort of eerie undiscovered life. But seeing what was coming up toward me now… I knew that I was looking at so much more. The creatures swimming up toward me through the darkness carried weapons… makeshift stone spears and daggers. Primitive tools… but tools all the same.
Signs that these were more than just undiscovered animals.
Much. Much more.
The word: ‘Mermaids’ crossed through my mind, but these were something far different than the ones I’d heard of in folklore. These looked like they’d swam out of the depths of hell itself. Boneless pale tendrils reached for me… and they were getting closer. The pale shapes reached my submarine as I rose higher. I kept praying to whatever God may be listening that the dropping pressure would force them off. The air in a submarine is pressurized, so during normal operation, there should have been no danger of decompression sickness for me.
For them… well… normally I’d feel a little guilty about subjecting an undiscovered species of deep sea mermaids to the horrors of the Bends. But given my circumstances, I didn’t have a lot of other options.
They didn’t let go, though.
They should have. But they didn’t.
What were these things?
I saw a splayed hand press against my viewport. Or… it somewhat resembled a hand. It had suckers on it, like a tentacle and the ‘fingers’ curled open like tentacles. The creature crawled over my viewport, clinging to The Tempura as it rose, and I could see the folds of its crablike mouth opening and pressing against the glass. I could see some sort of bile rising up through its translucent throat, before it secreted it all over my viewport. Was it trying to digest me? Was that how these things fed? How strong were its stomach acids? Were they strong enough to-
The window cracked.
My heart skipped a beat.
“No… no, no no…”
“Grayson, what’s wrong?!”
“They cracked the window… S-Sheila they… oh God… oh fuck, they just…”
“THEY DID WHAT?”
“It’s secreting some sort of enzyme… it’s on the window, it’s… FUCK… I’m gonna die… I’m gonna die… I’m gonna die…”
“You’re not gonna die, baby! Just… just keep ascending, okay? You’re at 30,000 feet… just keep going…”
I nodded, and kept on rising, although the question of whether or not the rest of the creatures were trying to digest the other parts of my submarine floated through my mind. How much damage could The Tempura take before it imploded? How much longer did I have? The submarine still continued to rise… 25,000 feet… almost halfway home… almost… almost.
The creature outside of my viewport slithered along the glass, searching for a better area to try and digest. Past him, I noticed a few of his companions dropping off. Maybe the change in pressure finally was getting to them?
From the corner of my eye, I suddenly noticed a flashing light. A warning. The hydraulics on one of the Tempura’s arms were shot… what else was damaged?
I checked my oxygen levels. 32%.
I should’ve had at least 14 hours of air. I’d only been down there for about 6 hours… I shouldn’t have been this low.
31%.
No… no, no, no, no… they’d damaged the air tanks!
30%.
29%
“20,000 feet!” Sheila said. “You still with me, baby?”
“Y-yeah…” I said. I didn’t mention my air situation. I didn’t need to worry her further.
The submarine continued its ascent.
15,000 feet.
24%. I was running out of time.
The creatures still clung to the Tempura. How had the pressure change not killed them yet? My oxygen was dropping faster than before. I was hemorrhaging air. Another crack formed across my viewport. I let out a little, involuntary gasp before trying to force myself to stop hyperventilating.
“Grayson, what was that?”
“I-it’s fine…” I stammered, “It’s fine!”
“Grayson what the hell is going on down there?!”
“They’re still on the submarine… they’re still…” I paused, looking at my oxygen levels. “19%...”
“19% of what? Grayson what’s going on!”
I paused.
18%.
“Air… I’m… I’m losing air…”
“That’s fine, you’re going to make it!” She said, although I heard her voice cracking a little. “You’re gonna make it!”
I didn’t answer.
12,000 feet.
11,000 feet…
My oxygen level continued to drop.
15%.
14%.
12%.
9,000 feet.
The creatures still clung to me, as the submarine continued to rise. The one on my viewport was still there, slowly crawling along the glass again. I stared into its eyeless face and swore I was looking at the face of my killer.
7,000 feet…
Oxygen had dropped to 9%. It dropped to 8% before I even got to 6,000 feet. I was going to die here…
The viewport cracked again and I squeezed my eyes shut. The submarine rocked. I was sure one of the thrusters had been damaged. My ascent slowed.
“Grayson, what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry Sheila…”
Another crack spread across my viewport.
“I’m… I’m not making it back up…”
“YES YOU ARE!”
“I’m sorry…” The tears started to come as the reality of my death became clearer and clearer… this was it.
“YOU’RE COMING BACK UP, YOU HEAR ME! GODDAMNIT, I’LL BRING YOU BACK UP!”
“I love you…”
That creatures face pressed against the glass. It vomited more of its stomach acid onto the cracked glass, and I wondered if this might finally be what broke it. Part of me hoped it would be… the one good thing about dying this deep was that at least I’d die quickly. My suffering would be over. Then, the creature suddenly pulled back, twisting and writhing violently. I saw other shapes moving past it in the water, other ‘mermaids’ that had been clinging to the submarine.
Something was agitating them.
Something was scaring them off.
Then I heard it, over the radio… whale songs.
“What the hell…?”
“Grayson, are you still there?!”
“I… they’re finally breaking off. Sheila, what did you do?”
“I’m broadcasting some of the orca recordings we’ve been using. Are they still clinging to you?”
“No! They’re backing off! I… whatever you’re doing, keep doing it!”
The submarine kept rising.
5,000 feet.
4,000 feet.
4% oxygen.
I could still do this, right?
The submarine continued to rise.
3%.
3,000 feet.
2,000 feet.
2%.
1,000 feet… so close… I was so close…
I could almost see the surface through my viewport, rushing up toward me. I tried not to breathe. Tried not to move. All I did was hope.
500 feet.
I closed my eyes.
“Grayson we have your signal, we’re coming to pick you up!”
Sheila’s voice sounded so far away as my submarine finally breached the surface of the water… and with the last of my strength, I pulled the emergency release on the hatch, and threw it open, taking in lungful after lungful of fresh salty air.
I didn’t dare so much as touch the water beneath me… but I was topside again, and in the distance, I could see The Burger!
“We see you!” Sheila said, “We’ve got you baby… we’ve got you…”
“I see you too…” I said through the tears. “Thank you… thank you…” I didn’t have any words left in me after that.
As soon as I was back on the ship, I collapsed into Sheila’s arms, breaking down into tears as I clung to her, terrified that at any moment, some sort of unspoken other shoe would drop and I’d lose her all over again.
“Shh… it’s alright baby… I’ve got you… you’re safe… you’re safe…” I felt her fingers running through my air and I knew that what she said was true.
I was home.
I was safe.
***
I left my colleagues to review the data that the Tempura gathered during its short expedition. As far as I know, they haven’t published anything. I have a few ideas as to why, but I’ll keep those to myself. Let’s just say that some people would rather this information not become public.
I have a feeling that the Tempura may not be diving again for some time, if ever. I will confess that I do consider that a bit of a shame. Despite everything… I would consider it a success. It endured far more stressful conditions than I had expected, and from what I heard, required fewer repairs than I’d thought it would. But, even if it was approved for another dive, it wouldn’t be me piloting it. No. I will never be setting foot inside of that machine again, nor will I ever be returning to what my colleagues have been quietly referring to as ‘The Jenner Trench’.
I can’t.
Every night, I wake up crying after dreaming of pale shapes outside of my cracked viewport, clinging to Sheila and sobbing. I can’t put myself in that situation again.
I can’t.
Instead, I think I’m going to spend the next few years on solid ground. There’s a teaching position available at a local university. I think that might be the best place for me right now. Who knows, maybe I can help some other deadbeat discover a passion for marine biology.
After everything, my love for the sea remains unchanged… I’m just a little more wary of it, these days.

I’m in the newborn phase now and I’m coping well but I can feel it is starting to chip away at me and I’m worried how much I have left in me. My LO is 4 weeks old, 5 weeks on Friday.
Lately, we’ve experienced witching hour 5pm until midnight which has been exhausting. It’s hard because I have her all day 7am-5pm when my partner gets back from work, but he gets back home right on the hour when her witching hours start - so because I feel bad for him having to deal with 5 hours straight of fussing and crying, I’m finding myself having to chip in and help on evenings too which is starting to exhaust me. My partner is really kind and such a team player, he tells me to go to bed and he will deal with her, but I can’t help but want to help him because I also know how awful and hard it is at the best of times, never mind when they won’t give you a break for an hour and they’re constantly upset - he is also tired off work.
It’s 5am, after an evening of constant attention for 5 hours straight during her witching hours, I’m up feeding as usual 3am-5am and it has been 2 hours and still no sign she is going to go off to sleep. I’ve decided to just put her in her pram and camp on the sofa and let her fuss it out for my own sanity while I type this. She will fuss so much that by the time she gets asleep, it’s time for her next feed. E.g she’s fussed until 5am, last feed was 3am, due her next feed in an hour so might aswell just stay up and rather than go to sleep for 1 hour. And the process starts all over again.
What i find extremely hard, is when you’re going through the trenches and you’re really trying to stay positive and get through, you’re told the toddler stage is harder, the terrible twos and tantrums. It’s really hard to hear when you’re looking for light at the end of the tunnel. I was totally prepared for all of this. Mentally I am a very tough nut and have a huge amount of patience. So I am coping well, but I’m wondering how much longer that can last until my patience is grinded away. I must admit, I often find myself questioning whether I’ve made the right decision, I feel awful for admitting it.
Also worth mentioning we don’t have family to help. Family is 2 hours away. We can only get help if we book in my Mums time atleast 2 weeks in advance, Which i’m grateful for but it doesn’t help as we have no immediate village. We don’t have money for a childminder to come here as the costs of paying them as an employer (pension and tax etc) is too much. Someone please tell me there’s light at the end of the newborn tunnel. It doesn’t help when my next door neighbours toddler is having constant meltdowns which validates all of the negativity I hear about the next stage…

i had a friend start playing the game, counselled them not to spend, they did anyway when they really got into it, dusted cards and made the oldschool kingsbane deck when it was standard. then blizzard nerfed the lifesteal spell and nuked the entire deck, leaving them unable to refund any of the cards they had crafted to make the deck. they quit. the salt is very real from this experience.
a while later i quit playing standard because of the runestones change and the game not getting any cheaper to keep up with, only playing battlegrounds. this past week i got back into standard a bit, spent a heap of my saved up dust crafting key cards to make a home brew highlander warrior with a lot of battlecry synergy. now bam, 1 card nerfed, most of what i crafted is utterly useless and i don't want to play that deck any more.
is there any way to refund the other cards that i crafted?

Please let me know how this sounds 💚 I am terrible with words and terrified of public speaking sooooo I need it to sound good while I try not to pass out as I give this speech 💀
-Hello everyone! Thank you all for joining us to celebrate these two amazing individuals. Bride, you look absolutely stunning, and groom, you clean up quite nicely too!

• I know a good portion of you here with us tonight but for those I don’t know, hi my name is MOH.
  
• I met Groom and Bride in high school through mutual friends. While I hung out with bride occasionally and bumped into groom in group settings, it wasn't until a few years later that bride and I would become close.
  
• bride, It's difficult to put into words just how grateful I am for you, but ill give it my best shot. Thank you for loving me for who I am, even though I'm a bit bullheaded and stubborn. You’re the person I call when I have exciting news to share or need to vent after a tough day. I know my deepest secrets are safe with you and you’ll give me the advice I need, even when it's tough to hear. Thank you for loving my children as your own, even if they are little wild. I can never thank you enough for always being around to support me during those dark days after I had child’s name.. I don’t know how I would of made it these last 9 years with out you. While life has taken us down different paths, we have always made the best effort to keep our friendship as close as possible. Naps on the couch with the dogs and all day hangouts have turned into trips to the zoo and hour long phone calls on your drive home and even longer when you commuted for school. Just know we can never stop our wild days on the boat and ice cream runs to ___, those keep us both somewhat sane. Bride you are kind and loving, genuine to the core and never afraid to speak your mind. You are truly amazing inside and out and i’m so glad I to call you my best friend.
  
• Groom, I was unsure if we would become friends in the beginning of you and bride’s relationship. You would walk in the door without saying a word, heading straight for the computer room. Now when you walk in, you almost always have some smack to talk, so id say we’ve come a long way. You’re not the type to write some mushy Facebook post professing your love for bride, and If you did, I'd probably think you've hit your head... But words aren’t necessary to see how much you adore her. The way your face lights up when you look at her says it all. Your love for her is unconditional. Thank you for loving bride exactly as she is, for always standing by her as her biggest supporter, and for filling her days with laughter and joy. Even if that means occasionally pushing her buttons just to get a rise out of her. I could not imagine a more perfect person to be her husband.
  
• Mr. And Mrs. XXXX! I have been dying to say that all day. Thank you for allowing the kids and I to be a part of your special day. May your love continue to grow stronger with each passing day, and may your journey together be filled with laughter, joy, and endless blessings. Here's to a lifetime of happiness and cherished memories. Congratulations, Groom and Bride, I love you both. Cheers!!
  

So far I have 75,000 spread out between a regular savings, thrift savings plan, a roth IRA, an HSA, a 401K, and a HYSA. I'm stuck. I feel like i have too many accounts.. I also have a new 500,000 mortgage and 10,000 left on my car, no other debt. Parents are elderly but not in a nursing home (yet). Dual income no kids we make 180,000 a year, I just got this new job a few months ago and I've never made this much in my life. Im extremely grateful to have this "problem". I've just been used to saving my whole life. I just don't know where to put everything now. I want to max everything out, pay everything off save it all... but how do I know what to do first?? Do I go by interest rate? I'm inclined to kill my car debt. I know I need a better emergency fund now that we have a mortgage...
To note - company does not match the 401k. I have it from a previous job that DID match. HYSA is 4%. Mortgage is 6.5%. I don't plan to touch my thrift savings. I do want to max my roth. How should I spread this out? Would love to see how others have their setup and gain some wise advice.

TW: blood loss, retained placenta
Well I got my home birth vbac, plus much more than I bargained for!
I'll begin by including that today is my actual due date so baby boy was right on time and I was full term. I'd had bouts of braxton hicks and prodromal labor off and on for the last few weeks, with one very convincing false alarm last week, resulting in me calling the midwife and her assistant over. She checked me out and I was sitting at 3cm, fully effaced but there were no other signs of progress.
In the days leading up to yesterday however, I had passed some noticeable mucus clots and was spotting a bit here and there. I tried not to think about it too much because I know you can lose the plug well before labor and I was just hoping at that point that it would be painfully obvious when I finally went to real labor.
So yesterday I couldn't catch any rest whatsoever. I wasn't sleeping great at night so I had taken to just napping as needed around the clock. But yesterday I couldn't nap for the life of me. I had this nagging anxiety that I really needed to rest so I ended up taking unisom around 5pm and making myself go to bed. I proceeded to wake up every other hour either hungry, thirsty or needing to pee. This is uncharacteristic for me because usually once I fall asleep, I'll stay asleep for at least a few hours. I was miserable.
I dozed off again and around 10:30, a contraction woke me up. It was a bit more intense than braxton hicks but it didn't have the same searing intensity as the worse contractions last week. So I got up and started pacing around to see if they would ease up. I rotated through a series of exercises meant to keep baby in a good position (a la Turning Babies) and they didn't seem to let up so I finally started timing them around 11. They were averaging less than 5 minutes apart and lasting about a minute.
This was starting to feel real. I called my husband who was working late and said he needed to get home asap because I was fairly certain things were really happening. I continued timing the contractions for a full hour and sure enough, they were staying steady so I called my midwife over. From here on out, my sense of time is super vague and warped. I really knew it was finally happening because I suddenly understood what they mean about not being able to walk or talk during a contraction, plus I felt like I was in this liminal space of being and nonbeing - like I was hyper aware of my body and the pain, but I was removed from it in order to cope.
By the time the midwives got to our home, my husband and best friend were there, I had already labored on the toilet, in the shower and on the couch in rounds. They took one look at me and knew it was real, and immediately took turns helping me and setting up the birth pool. I'm guessing I labored in the pool for about 5 hours, because it was ready around 2am and I stayed in there until after the rose. The pool really helped my labor progress and at one point, my midwife noticed that the sounds I was making were getting lower, more intense and drawn out.
She checked me again and sure enough, I was at a 6 and counting! She said, "Now might be a good time to call your moms, we might have a baby soon!" I think it was around that point that my water broke as well, as there was a good bit of mucus and bloody show floating around the pool. Our moms showed up shortly after, along with my teenage son, and I labored a while longer, taking turns holding our moms hands. They kinda started making me anxious so I got out and slowly moved through various labor techniques. Ultimately, I ended up sitting on the couch with my legs up on the midwife's legs, holding myself behind the knees with each push.
After about 12 hours of hard labor and no medication other than some motrin and ginger, he crowned with a beautiful head of curly dark hair! My sweet boy was born a couple pushes later and I immediately knew that I had torn. The ring of fire is a whole other ball game when you tear. The midwife tried to wait for the afterbirth to come away for about thirty minutes but each time I pushed I lost more blood. I started getting dizzy and losing color and we ended up at the hospital for 4 blood transfusions and to surgically remove the placenta.
I was too out of it to get the full run down if the placenta was actually fused to my uterine wall but they were able to get it out quickly in a 15 minute surgery. They were worried that it might be fused to my c section scar and if that was the case I would've ended for a partial hysterectomy. After the surgery I woke up cold and shaking profusely, begging for blankets and a warm compress for my boobs because they were so cold they were like hard as rocks. After they tried to warm me up I spiked a fever, plus losing so much blood had deflated my veins so they had stuck me all over trying to test my blood volume after the transfusions.
I was in surgery and recovery for a good while so the baby was with daddy and fam the whole time. They rode in the ambulance with me and when we got to the hospital we asked if they could give the baby donor milk. They said we'd have to admit him in order to do that and I was hesitant but they've been really respectful of our wishes. I said no vaccines, no bath, no circumcision, no formula and no taking him from us. We're just now letting them take him to the nursery so we can get some sleep. It was pretty hairy there for a while but we made it and he's perfect 🤗
Tl;Dr had an amazing physiological birth but tore severely and had a retained placenta. Ended up in the hospital for blood transfusions and surgery to remove the placenta.

I’d like to begin this invitation of advice or experiences by stating that what I want in life is a partner who feels like home, will always give me their genuine effort, & will love me through all of the highs, mediums, & lows of life.
I specifically want to know about any advice or things I should consider when it comes to the age gap I have with the man I’m seriously considering making a staple & serious part of my life. I (29f) met (40m) 3 years ago & we have been seeing each other for a little over a year. We met at the public school in which we both work- he’s the social worker, I’m a teacher. When I first saw him, he looked like a meat head (he’s pretty muscular, bald, beard, wears hoodies) & I’ve always been into nerds so it never occurred to me that I’d end up attracted to him. The first year we knew each other, it was very surface level, & then, during the second year of my time at the school, I got to know him better, as I did a few coworkers I now consider close friends. This second year of friendship was also a tough period for me as I was going through a divorce from with a man who wasn’t on the same life path as me & kind of made me dislike myself just for being me (wanting kids, needing to be intrinsically motivated in my career rather than financially motivated)- basically he was type A & I am B. I was absolutely enamored with him in my twenties & was crushed that it didn’t work- I spent a lot of time trying to change myself to accommodate his desires.
Anyhow, as I was processing my divorce & creating friendships, I got to know M(40) better both at work & at hang outs with friends outside of work. I watched how the kids at school just flocked to him & how kind he was with everybody. He coached the basketball team, did an after school program with the SRO to help at risk kids, & often stepped in to help others with tasks that weren’t related to his job as social worker. & he always did it with a positive attitude & good sense of humor. People just LIKE him, you know? It became obvious that he was just a really good person. One day, we had a discussion about kids & how we both wanted them. He told me I’d be a great mother because of how I treat the students & I told him he’d also be a wonderful parent. & he cast his spell on me & I slowly started falling for him. I couldn’t quite figure it out. Here I was, recently divorced from a relationship that had a tremendous affect on me mentally/emotionally, & I was gaining feelings for a man who was very different from my ex, & 11 years older than me. Was I just looking for a distraction? Was I using him to boost my confidence up after it had spent so much time at all time low? Or was I simply recognizing that this man had all of the features that I’d been missing in my past relationship & maybe I should pay attention to that? I was worried that my judgement post- divorce couldn’t possibly be clear, so I expressed that I had feelings for him but had to take things very slow. I was a bit of a mess as I tried to take the initial steps to get closer to him. I’d get emotional & have somewhat of a panic attack, or I’d go through some wishy washy phases when it came to wanting to see him in general. No matter what it was, he said that he understood, he wasn’t going anywhere, & that he just wanted me to be ok. He’d always ask what he could do to help & what I needed from him to feel better. If we were kissing & he felt that I wasn’t comfortable, he’d stop. One time he could tell that I wasn’t feeling great & he cried because he thought he’d made me feel bad. Needless to say, he was always there for me & ACTUALLY cared about how I felt. As we got closer, he was always respectful, would leave me flowers on random or special occasions (like when I was in an art show that he attended, or the first day of a new semester at work), wanted to make things like holidays memorable for me (one time I specifically thought was sweet was when he decorated my place with a Christmas tree & lights because “it’s your first Christmas in your new apartment, it should be festive!”). I consistently got solid evidence that he was emotionally mature, ready for a relationship, & wanted the same things as me.
So, I thought, “why is this sweet, courteous, kind, responsible, funny man single?” I’d heard some woman at work “pick” at him about this & say “I just don’t get how you’re single!” & I honestly wondered myself. You always heard that it’s a ref flag if a man dates a woman over 10 years younger & that it’s because “women his age didn’t want him”. Well, there are a few rational explanations I could think of: 1. He’d been sexually abused by his stepsister for years as a child. He’d told me that he’d had a few relationships during his 20s & 30s, but they didn’t last long & he’d had some issues with women not dealing with his anxiety around sex well. With me, this was not an issue, really. We’d taken the physical really slow, & when one of us felt anxiety as things heated up, the other stopped & supported. After a few months, it became a non-issue & we were able to have great sex with no fear that one of us would get anxious. I think us being so patient & supportive in those initial tough moments & making it clear that we were just as happy to show non-sexual affection helped bond us a ton. 2. When he was younger (childhood-20s) he was overweight. He began balding in his 20s & so he shaved his head. Maybe there weren’t a lot of women who wanted to be with the overweight, bald guy? Women can be just as shallow as men.
So, I began to try to look for any signs that maybe this man is “grooming” me or something. I looked for issues as well as green lights. How’s his family? His brother is happily married with children & he is close with his family, seeing them weekly. What are his friends like? I enjoy his friends. They’re nice, fun people & his best friends are in happy marriages. Does he manipulate you? No, he treats me like a princess (I’m not used to it) & tries to establish healthy relationship patterns (he always insists on a weekly date night, suggests activities together, such as me weight lifting with him & him running with me). He also hypes me up like no other- If I’m wearing a risky outfit that I love but know my mom would insult, BAM he is the first one to compliment it as his jaw drops to the floor. Always telling me how strong, sweet, & cool I am. Made me take his gloves when we went on a snowy hike & I’d forgotten mine. Just basically an endless stream of courtesy. Sometimes I worry if he’s just being really sweet to me because he wants to keep me- he’s said he’s trying to be less of a “people pleaser”- but he has always been consistently kind to me in a genuine manner.
I have gotten a lot of evidence that this is a solid person with whom I could build a beautiful relationship & family with. Everything he’s shown me has been positive as far as communication, morals, empathy, kindness & life plans is concerned.
So… is the 11 year age gap a concern? Should I be more paranoid about why he is still single, or are my theories valid? Although he goes to the gym daily & is like a kid at heart, should I worry about his age when it comes to us potentially raising kids? He’d likely be 43-45 by the time I was ready for that.
If anyone has any experience with being the victim of or being a partner to the victim of someone who went through sexual abuse as a child, please give any thoughts of how that might have affected someone when it comes to dating.
If you have any thoughts, please let me know. Truthfully, I do have other potential options if I pursued them & I’m not afraid of being alone, but I’m feeling that I’d like to commit to a relationship.

Hi there!
I’m super curious about an odd dilemma I came across.
I made a personal booklet, of sorts. as proud as I am at my first attempt, it’s full of problems, and I wish I found this sub sooner. better luck next time, i suppose.
When it came to printing, I decided to go to a print shop who immediately tried to up-sell me… the entire reason why I went there was because of this thing being about 500+ pages, and I thought it would be cheaper and easier than trying to print at home (probably burn through 2 cartridges trying), but due to approx. 30 pages out of the lot needing color… well now, I’m being charged full color prices for the whole thing.
So, home printing it is…

But it left me wondering. So, you have a book, with numbered pages, can you separate the pages without messing with the page numbers or any formatting? I tried looking this up but can’t seem to find a solution.

Thank for your help.

Context I Avery 19 year old female and Lucy (Not her real name) 18 year old female have been friends for a year. I am a grade above her and we are in the same fine art activity. We are both on the colorguard team at my school.
Our team isn’t necessarily good, but we aren’t bad. (To the people who know Scholastic AA). For some reason Lucy is obsessed with the idea she looks like me. All because of a comment someone made to her. They walked up to her thinking it was me from a far. She has made it her life mission to make herself me.
She was a primary flag on my team and I am a primary rifle. Since I am a senior in school I’m not getting ready for next season. However, my director is making all members who have done at least one season try rifle. Lucy was excited to try rifle saying she can be like me. I thought this was sweet cause she looked up to me, but I was very wrong.
Lucy happened to be really good at rifle. Nothing against her she’s a great person to have on the team, but her ego has gone way up. She’s been making fun of people who drop their rifle or use the wrong technique and she always comes in for reassurance saying things like “Right Avery she needs to slow down her toss or right Avery she needs to put her left hand completely to the side.” It puts me in a position that makes me uncomfortable and i’ve told her to stop.
Lately she’s been dressing like me. She always used to wear a Tee shirt, shorts, and her hair down to rehearsal, but lately she’s been wearing Sports bras, leggings, and pulls her hair into a braid. Just like me. She used to march around saying she hates the color pink (She’s a major tom boy), but now she wears it saying it suits her. She even bought my perfume. I thought it was weird, but I didn’t say anything cause I’ll be gone within a week anyways because of Graduation.
She was starting to really piss me off when she would make comments like “Avery look we both have a pimple on our cheek.” I’m extremely insecure about acne. She knows this. She would say things like “our cycles are synced it’s like our bodies are the same person.” “We’re both on our 15th set of invisalign. Our teeth are getting straighter together.”
Yesterday I was getting ready for a banquet with Lucy and some other girls from the team. It’s all fun and games till Lucy pulls out almost the exact same dress as me. There is no way she wasn’t trying to copy. I was going for a Audrey Hepburn look with a black dress, gloves, pearls, and Prada sunglasses. Lucy pulls out a shorter black dress, gloves, pearls, black sunglasses. She then exclaimed “Omg twin we’re gonna look so good. It’s almost like great minds think alike or something. People won’t even be able to tell us apart.”
I was livid to say the least. She knew I had been planing on that outfit since last banquet. I let it go it was my senior banquet it was fine. I take photos with everyone and she’s doing her thing when she puts her arm around my boyfriend’s shoulder. I immediately stand up from our banquet table and grab her arm swinging it off him. She said “Sorry I thought it would be a cute picture cause he’s dressed to match us.” I cut her off and said “No Lucy he’s dressed to match me. I’m not sure what you think your doing wanting to become me and comparing yourself to me, but it needs to stop.” She then rolls her eyes and slumps in her chair. She mumbled under her breath “I don’t look like you. You look like me. Get it right. You’re so obsessed.”
I started to yell at her “You don’t look like me. Not even a little bit. Your eyes are blue and mine are green. Your hair is brown while mine is blonde. Your nose slopes down and mine slopes up at the end. Your chin is slightly pointed and my sticks out. My eyes are almond while yours are hooded. I’m 5’11 and you’re 5’3. Your boobs are bigger than mine. My feet are bigger than yours. We do not look alike.”
At this point everyone is looking at us. Most people know what i’m getting at cause they asked me days ago why she was copying me. Lucy starts to cry called me some names and ran off. I cut the night short and went home. I told my mom in the morning and she told me I should’ve let Lucy live out her fantasy for a week till I graduate. A couple of friends of Lucy have texted me and called me an Asshole. But I don’t think I am.
Am I the Asshole?

Hi. So my (F17) family is very Christian and conservative. Church twice a week, Bible studies, typical family roles, purity rings, all that.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend Jay (M16) for almost two years. My parents hated him at first, but they tolerate him now. He dresses punk, has piercings, and is an atheist. The ONLY reason my parents are okay with him now is because we made up a lie that Jay wants to be a Christian and that I’ve been teaching him a lot and we read the Bible together, etc. He comes to church with us often. He doesn’t believe in it and honestly I don’t know if I even do at this point. But that’s another story.
Other reasons why my parents hate him is because his parents are “trashy” (poor) and he “smells like a sinner” (he smells like cigarettes because of his parents constantly smoking in their house, he’s actually super insecure about it.) I don’t think it’s fair at all. It’s not his fault.
Hes also never does drugs/smokes/drinks but they’re so convinced he does. Like whenever I come home from hanging out with him they’ll “check and make sure” I’m not high/drunk.
Anyways. Yesterday he was spending the night at my house. My door doesn’t have a lock on it, so we always just wait til everyone is asleep to quietly have sex. It’s never failed us before so I thought we were okay. Nope. About 10 mins in my mom swings open the door. All 3 of us were fucking horrified. She goes to get my dad, we quickly put on our clothes. They start yelling at us. Saying i was disgusting and how they should’ve never let Jay come and “corrupt me” and how “they were ignoring signs from god to get him away” I was wearing my purity ring, they made sure to bring that up about 50 times. They said I disappointed them and God and that I’m not going to be “full of his crack babies” which just made me feel disgusting. The way they were describing everything made me feel so. Disgusting.
They made Jay walk home alone. They went through my phone and prayed with me saying I’d work on this and I’d go back to being a pure girl.
I’m so humiliated. Today they said they were gonna put me in “weekly Christian counseling” (whatever that is) I saw Jay in class and he looked so sad. I just wanted to hold him. I talked to him and he also said he feels humiliated. I feel so guilty and disgusting. All their insults got to me so much. I hate that they did but they did.

To preface I’m a 33 years old now. I’m a guy and have really never talked to anyone about this. I’ve brought it up but it hasn’t really been taken seriously. I’ll try to make this story as short as possible. When I was 18 I was desperate to lose my virginity, but was way too shy to actually try. I was always envious of some friends and their stories of who they have been with so I decided to lie and say that I wasn’t a virgin. There were a couple girls I was really into and they invited me to a get together. Only 5 or more people were there so it was the perfect outing in my shy opinion. I knew one of the girls was very pretty, popular, and a cheerleader but I had my eyes set on her friend. She was much more kind, less outgoing and very cute. We were all having fun but the cheerleader was feeding us all shots. I had maybe drank once or twice before this point, but didn’t want to disappoint. After about 5 shots I started making out with the friend of the cheerleader. The cheerleader clearly wasn’t having it, definitely got jealous and put an end to it saying “let’s go back to your place.” She had drove us and I definitely needed a ride home so to my dismay I agreed. I was very drunk at this point and actually slammed my knee against her trailer hitch, but didn’t feel a thing. Again, she is very attractive and I was totally into her. I wanted to have sex, but I wasn’t ready. Especially given the circumstances. I know this all seems pretty convoluted, but this is how it went. We made it back to my mom’s apartment and I had mentioned we go to the hot tub. I was just trying to delay what would be the inevitable. We walk to the pool area where the hot tub is and it was perfect. I thought “okay we’re in the hot tub and we’ll just hangout here until we want to go to asleep.” What happened next was unexpected and I didn’t think was even possible being a guy. I was 18 and just assumed you would want to have sex whenever possible. She asked how many people I’ve been with and I said 3 (lying to seem “cooler”) and she hopped on my lap. Somehow I was hard hard and she grabbed me and put me inside of her. This has been the most confusing part of it all and what makes it so difficult to talk about. I WAS hard. I didn’t want to have sex. Not like that. Whenever that was done she wanted to go back to my apartment. I agreed. The last thing I remember is looking at myself in the mirror of by bathroom and saying “what am I doing” and going back to my room with her spread eagle. As I said I was eager to have sex, but not like this. It has been something that’s been on my mind ever sense and haven’t really talked about.