Episode 1: Oh god no, my marijuana patch! (Farmer)
Episode 2:We here at team four star do not condone child violence. We do however find it hilarious.(Kaiser)
Episode 3: Mahogany! (King Yemma)
Episode 4: Alright Maggots listen up! Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order. It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo. (Popo)
Episode 5: DODGE! (Piccolo)
Episode 6: I’ll tell you where they’re not, safe! (Popo)
Episode 7: I’m not a Pokémon! I’m Chiaotzu! CHIAOTZU! (Chiaotzu)
Episode 8: “Vegeta! I can fly” (Nappa)
Episode 9: "9 minutes and 18 seconds" (Vegeta)
Episode 10: “What’s the opposite of Christopher Walken? CHRISTOPHER REEVES!" (Vegeta)
Episode 11: “Yep, this baby gets 10,000 miles to the soul.” (Popo)
Episode 12: "No! What are you:stupid? We are doctors, scientists! Now inject this man with some SCIENCE! Delicious, magical SCIENCE!" (Some Freeza Grunt)
Episode 13: "Could you speak up? I'm not wearing any pants" (Roshi)
Episode 14: "QUACK!" (The Space-Duck)
Episode 15: "Muffin Button" (Goku)
Episode 16: Face down with another man beating your ass. Is it Wednesday already, Zarbon? (Vegeta)
Episode 17: I'm coming Zarbon! Quick, grab my balls!
Episode 18: " I don't know. Maybe you could've bitched at him, how 'bout that? That's all you appear to be good for these days. Huh? Used your bitch-fu on him? Bulma the mistress of bitching, that's what they should call you. Seriously, five ancient sages of bitchdom all gathered together one day on the peaks of Mount Bitch to proclaim your birth. And a hundred years later, when all the bitch stars had aligned, you were born and made everybody's life around you a living hell because you are such a bitch!" (Krillin)
Episode 19: "Son of a gum-chewing funk-monster! Why the fruit does all this funny stuff happen to me?! Forget my life! Always surrounded by miserable failing clods! Like this whole world just likes to *bend* me over and FIND ME IN THE ALPS! Like I'm some sort of shlock receptacle! Well as far as I care, these miserable cows can have a fancy barbecue with a goddamn pig!!" (Vegeta)
Episode 20: "BECAUSE THE NAME'S RECCOOME! IT RHYMES WITH DOOM! AND YOU'RRRRRE GONNA BE HURTING ALL TOO SOON!!! (Reccoome)
Episode 21: I can't believe we came all the way out here and spent a week in the Space Boonies for nothing! Seriously, I'm surprised we didn't hear banjos on the way, because everyone is inbred and LOOKS THE F***ING SAME! Not to mention I lost Dodoria and Zarbon, the latter of whom spent 400 credits making long-distance calls to his girlfriend, WHO I AM CONVINCED IS NAMED CHUCK! (Freeza)
Episode 22: Did you tell him to work the shaft? (Super Kami Guru)
Episode 23: This is easily the 2nd worse hole I’ve ever had in my chest. It’s gonna take like, a million mommy kisses to make it better. (Goku).
Episode 24: "Oh ho ho ho no, don't mind me. By all means, g̶̢͘í̸͖̈̕͝v̶̢̹͠ͅe̸̮͆̋̽ ̷͙͔͙̲̏͛ḿ̸̨̲̦̤͒͑ẹ̴̜͚̰̉̂ ̵̩͈͍̯̠́͂s̷̝͓͍̑o̷̢̲͙̅̍̐̔͠m̷͔̂e̸̪͊̂̐̕͠ͅ ̵̛̱̣̣̱̎̅i̶̍̒͂ͅd̶̡̲̟̔̉̏ȩ̸̙̭̺̑̊̃͠ä̸̧̱́̅s̴̙͚̯̯̩̾." (Freeza)
Episode 25: "Oh good. I'll stop by there on the way home. Pick up some space eggs, some space milk, and BLOW IT THE F*** UP! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm usually far more composed. I'm just a little bit A B S O L U T E L Y L I V I D." (Freeza)
Episode 26: “That’s right, I’m your White Mage, & Nobody fucks with the White Mage” (Little Green)
Episode 27: " Imma deck ya in the schnozz!" (Goku)
Episode 28: “Good Lord I traded Vegeta for this” (Freeza)
Episode 29: Oh, come now. If I'm really as evil as you say I am, then let God strike me down where I stand. *lightning zaps* HA! Nice try, jackass! Next time, give it your A-game! (Freeza),
Episode 30: “I am the hope of the omniverse! I am the light bulb in the darkness! I am the bacon in the fridge for all the living things that cry out in hunger! I am the Alpha and the Amiga! I am the terror that flaps in the night! (starts powering up) I am Son Gokū! and I am a Super (Death beam to forehead) Saiyan” (Goku)
Episode 31: "Why aren't you upstairs sleeping with your girlfriend like everyone else?" (Turtle)

Hi all. I’ve been a lurker here for a few years and have been reading peoples stories to better understand Mormons, their lives and relationships with the church. I’m personal a nonbeliever in any religion, however I work at The Book of Mormon on Broadway.
We received this letter from a fan who found our show to be therapeutic for him as an exmormon. Here is his complete letter (warning it’s kinda long and some of it reads as a review or promotion for the show which is not why I share it, I’m not a backeinvester):
The Play That Changed My Life
By Richard McDonald
I am about to do it.... for the seventy fifth time.
The Book of Mormon on Broadway just celebrated 13 years on the Broadway stage at the Eugene O’Neil Thater and I have seen it seventy-four times....in the last 18 months! The reactions I get when people learn this range from: “What?” to “I think you need to see a therapist.”
Indeed, that is precisely the case. The show serves as a form of therapy for me, particularly since I made the decision in the summer of 2022 to depart from the Mormon Church after being deeply entrenched in its culture and teachings throughout my entire life.
To be frank, I always had a sense that something was not quite right. Yet, I chose to overlook these nagging feelings. I embarked on a mission (ironically in NYC), exchanged vows in the Mormon temple, and at times, I cherished the sense of community fostered by the faith. However, there were too many discrepancies that I could not reconcile. From the ban on Black people holding the Priesthood until 1978, to the myriad issues with church history, the treatment of LGBTQ individuals (I declined to support Prop 8 in California in 2008 and believe I was consequently blacklisted), and the marginalization of women in the church. I often felt very alone in my “liberal Mormon beliefs.”
An important part of my life has been my battle with addiction to prescription drugs. The church's response to my battles with addiction and legal issues resulting from those poor decisions – culminated in a "disciplinary council" which is better described as a “shame session” where you stand before your Mormon leaders to be judged. The result? They suspended my membership privileges so that I could repent. I was still encouraged to tithe during my suspension. Sit in shame but still give money as an act of obedience.
Despite grappling with these experiences, I endeavored to remain within the fold... to no avail. The final tipping point for me occurred in 2022 when I discovered that the church supports the clergy penitent privilege, allowing clergy to withhold information from law enforcement about child neglect or child sexual abuse disclosed during spiritual confessions if they deem it "reasonable and necessary" under church doctrine. I distinctly recall telling myself, "I cannot align myself with a church that prioritizes its image over safeguarding children from neglect and sexual abuse." Remarkably, the other concerns I had previously dismissed now appeared to gain greater significance and credibility.
Yet, losing my faith (the only thing I have ever known) is quite traumatic, especially when I came to the realization that the core belief system that existed in my life for so many years betrayed me on a spiritual level. This led me to question if I could ever trust my own personal judgement again. As I transitioned away from viewing the world through a Mormon lens, I experienced a profound sense of identity loss. The Mormon church had provided me with more than just a belief system; it offered a structured set of values, a supportive social network (if I followed along), and a clear sense of purpose.
As I contemplated life outside of the church, I found myself grappling with uncertainty and fear. Growing up in the Mormon faith instilled in me the belief that my safety and happiness hinged upon my unwavering obedience and loyalty to the church. The teachings emphasized that following the prophet equated to following God himself. Additionally, members were constantly reminded to be wary that Satan wants to take hold of you.
I have come to understand that experiencing mixed feelings is completely normal. Leaving my religion was not just about trauma; it brought about a sense of relief as well. No longer having to reconcile the parts of my belief system that never made sense was liberating for me. Yet-I recognized that I still needed some anchors through this transition, and I found them through an old friend and a Broadway Musical that simply changed my life.
Travis Stratford and I hail from the same town in Southern California and were both brought up in the Mormon Church. Now, we both find ourselves residing in New York City. Travis is a managing partner partner of Case Agency in Soho, and I have always regarded him as one of the smartest individuals I know. During our teenage years, I looked up to him as he was a few years older than me. Despite going our separate ways for 25 years—he served his mission in Sweden, while I served in NYC—our connection was immediate when we reunited. Travis offered me invaluable support and a non-judgmental perspective as a friend. Although Travis left the church in 2014, he never attempted to sway my beliefs in any direction. Instead, he simply listened and offered his insights when needed.
With the support of a close friend and a newfound liberating perspective free from the judgments of Mormonism, I found myself in Midtown Manhattan for a business meeting on 49th Street. As I strolled past the Eugene O’Neill Theater, I could not help but notice the bold letters proclaiming, "The Book of Mormon: The Funniest Musical of All Time!" Wait a minute... funny? I had not even thought about it that way, could it be possible to find humor in this situation? Is laughter an antidote for trauma? Without hesitation, I made my way to the box office and purchased a ticket for that evening's performance. Let me tell you, that night's show changed my life in the most remarkable way. Trey Parker and Matt Stone wrote the Book of Mormon on Broadway, renowned for their work on "South Park," and complemented by the musical prowess of Tony, Oscar, Grammy and Emmy Award winner Robert Lopez, the songwriter behind "Avenue Q and Frozen," The Book of Mormon is directed by the renowned director Casey Nicholaw.
The fascinating thing about "The Book of Mormon" is that even after attending seventy-four performances, I still discover something new each time. It is ironic how the play brilliantly displays the peculiar beliefs of the Mormon religion, which I once considered normal. Concepts like God residing on a planet named Kolob, the Garden of Eden being in Jackson County, Missouri, and that in 1978 God changed his mind about Black people.
But my biggest takeaway from this play? It truly is a beautiful story. A story that will make you laugh so hard and make you think about what matters most. It portrays how individuals from diverse cultures, races, and nations can unite and form a remarkable bond and sense of community. It is a community characterized by acceptance, love, a touch of mischief, and above all, equality.
The play begins with two young Mormon missionaries, two white boys, find themselves paired up and dispatched to Uganda. Kevin Clay delivers a masterful portrayal as Elder Price. If an Osmond and a Romney were to have a love child, it would be Kevin Clay.
As Price longs for a more glamorous locale such as Orlando. His missionary companion, Elder Cunningham, played by Cody Jamison Strand, exudes a sense of enthusiasm, grateful for any assignment he is given. Price and Cunningham’s contrasting emotions of disappointment and eagerness are bundled together as they are sent off to the country of Uganda.
Upon reaching Uganda, they encounter villagers grappling with the harsh realities of AIDS, drought, disease, and oppressive rulers. Despite facing numerous challenges, the villagers find solace in sharing their beloved uplifting song, "Hasa Diga Eebowai." Led by Mafala Hatimbi (the incomparable Jaques Smith), this number is initially reminiscent of something from "The Lion King," the song serves as a symbol of resilience amidst adversity. As life continues to pummel them, this song becomes their source of solace. With their trademark Mormon enthusiasm, Price and Cunningham enthusiastically join in, only to discover the true meaning behind the seemingly uplifting tune - "F--k you, God." It is a jarring introduction to the harsh realities of the world they have entered.
At their shared missionary apartment (which ironically has a sign on the front door that says, “No Soliciting.”) Price and Cunningham meet a spirited group of fellow missionaries, all white boys and led by their district leader Elder McKinley (PJ Adzima), This group of Elders have not achieved much during their time in Uganda - no baptisms, nothing to even close.
However, they do possess one unique asset: their own musical anthem to navigate moments of uncertainty and doubt. "Turn It Off" presents a vibrant and energetic musical piece that humorously explores the Mormon tradition of suppressing emotions and urges. Elder McKinley leads the song, instructing fellow missionaries on the art of "turning off" undesirable feelings through a catchy and engaging chorus. The performance captivates with its visually appealing choreography, prompting toe-tapping and an introduction to our friend “Steve Blade.” Actor PJ Adzima delivers a standout portrayal of Elder McKinley, showcasing impeccable comedic timing and impressive vocal skills that always leave me with just a huge smile.
The narrative unfolds into a love story where Price and Cunningham navigate their own journeys independently. Price attempts to evade his destiny, while Cunningham adopts a more reckless approach to his missionary work. Strand, who portrays Cunningham, displays surprising athleticism (especially in “Man Up”) and non-stop hilarity with every line he delivers. Meanwhile, the villagers grapple with the dilemma and intrigue of embracing the Book of Mormon, as preached by Cunningham and his imagination, while also contending with the daily threats to their survival from General Butt F--k king Naked (Derrick Williams), who wants to control the villagers by threatening violence and performing circumcision on all the women. Williams crushes it with his unforgettable facial expressions and delivers one of the funniest lines at the end of the show.
Meanwhile, at the heart of the Ugandan village stands Nabulungi (portrayed by Kim Exum), a character characterized by her beauty and open-mindedness. Elder Cunningham frequently struggles to recall her name correctly, often referring to her by comical and absurd aliases such as Nissan Altima or Neutrogena. Cunningham puts his own creative spin on the teachings of the Book of Mormon, incorporating elements from various pop culture references like Star Trek and Star Wars. Despite the humorous misunderstandings, Nabulungi demonstrates her willingness to embrace Cunningham's interpretation, leading to her successful “baptism” into the faith. The double entendre number “Baptize Me” (my personal favorite) is the perfect blend of innocence and mischief which demonstrates the beauty of humor and human connection. Through her enthusiasm, Nabulungi helps recruit as many as twenty new converts, solidifying Cunningham's status as a hero among the other Elders which is beautifully celebrated in the number “I am Africa.”
Exum is truly spectacular as Nabulungi with her angelic voice that gives me Whitney Houston vibes (seriously, she is that good) in numbers like "Sal Tlay Ka Siti" and the only truly solemn moment in "Book of Mormon, “Exum presents a poignant reprise of "Hasa Diga Eebowai" that is infused with deep sorrow and disillusionment that just hits perfectly.
The show marches towards the end with memorable musical numbers like “Spooky Mormon Hell Dream,” “I Believe,” and “Joseph Smith, the American Moses.” "Spooky Mormon Hell Dream" presents a lively and engaging musical sequence set in hell. This song showcases a cast of demonic figures, from a horned devil to dancing Starbucks cups, and cameos from Genghis Khan, Jeffrey Dahmer, Adolf Hitler and even Johnny Cochrane. It offers a humorous and irreverent twist on traditional Broadway show tunes. Visually striking, the performance features devilish costumes and makeup, effectively portraying the characters as residents of hell.
One of the standout moments in The Book of Mormon musical is the song "I Believe." In this pivotal scene, Elder Price faces the daunting challenge of confronting General Butt Fu--ing Naked who threatens the Ugandan village. To stop the warlord from perpetuating evil, Elder Price resolves to convert him to Mormonism. As the song unfolds, Elder Price gathers the courage and conviction needed for his mission. Throughout "I Believe," he passionately articulates the core beliefs of Mormonism, aiming to persuade the warlord to embrace his faith. However, the beliefs Elder Price emphasizes become increasingly unconventional and outlandish as the song progresses like the aforementioned “I believe that in 1978 God changed his mind about Black people!”
This is Kevin Clay’s signature moment as Elder Price in the production and he delivers every time. Adding to the brilliance of this number is the interaction between Clay and Derrick Williams (The General), they compliment each other seamlessly throughout the number.
"Joseph Smith American Moses" offers a witty and thought-provoking take on the life of Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon church, as interpreted by the Ugandan characters narrated with whimsical charm by Exum. This song is a clever homage to classic musical theater numbers, featuring a lively ensemble of performers who sing and dance their way through Smith's life story, and it is arguably the funniest moment in the show.
The show smoothly transitions into its finale, which I will not spoil but simply describe as "something incredible." However, what truly shines in the heart and soul of the production is its talented supporting cast. This diverse group, led by original cast members John Eric Parker and Lewis Cleale, steals the spotlight at every turn. Parker's commanding presence, both in stature and vocal prowess, is highlighted magnificently in the finale, leaving a lasting impression on the audience. Cleale delivers a remarkable performance, seamlessly portraying multiple roles including Joseph Smith, the Mission President, Elder Price's Dad, and even Jesus Christ himself.
Among the ensemble, Darius Nichols captivates the audience with his comedic brilliance, eliciting laughter with every line he delivers. Stoney Mootoo follows suit, earning chuckles from the audience with her humorous performance and proving her versatility as an exceptional dancer. Mootoo, a native New Yorker advocates for “trusting your gift” on her social media-and her gift shows in the production. Jasmine Richardson delights as Mrs. Brown and Sister Kimbe delivering great enthusiasm and impressive vocal chops of her own. The Mormon missionary ensemble also delivers standout performances, with Henry McGinnis displaying his talent by portraying three distinct characters: a Mormon missionary, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Yoda (his Yoda voice is something to behold). Special mention goes to John Kramer, who wins the award for looking most Mormon and whose portrayal of Elder Pop Tarts steals the spotlight in the memorable number "Turn It Off." And a nod to Daniel Fetter who gives the most amazing “Hello” in the opening number and steps in admirably as an understudy for Elder Price when needed.
What is even more impressive is that the show is evolving. In an article by Michael Paulson from The New York Times, it was reported that "The Book of Mormon," a musical comedy by the creators of "South Park," recently underwent significant revisions prompted by calls from Black members of its cast to reassess its content. The show, originally featuring two white missionaries attempting to convert souls in an Ugandan village facing various challenges, including AIDS and a warlord, was subject to scrutiny for its portrayal of African and Black identities.
The concerns expressed by actors, including Arbender J. Robinson, in a letter to the creative team urged a reconsideration of the show's themes and characters in light of evolving societal perspectives. This initiative reflects a broader trend in the theater industry, where productions are revisiting their content mid-run to address issues of race and representation.
The revisions made to "The Book of Mormon" included elevating the main Black female character Nabulungi and refining the satire to avoid reinforcing stereotypes. Changes ranged from subtle adjustments to more overt alterations, such as giving the Ugandan villagers greater agency and removing jokes that could be construed as culturally insensitive. For instance, a scene involving a typewriter was replaced with one featuring an iPad, shifting the focus from the character's perceived lack of sophistication to a commentary on the pitfalls of social media. According to Derrick Williams, a cast member since 2014 who also supported the revisions, there is a delicate balance between satire and offensiveness that must be maintained. The changes made throughout the show aim to sharpen the satire of Mormonism while placing Uganda and its inhabitants at the forefront of the narrative.
The revisions to "The Book of Mormon" reflect a broader industry-wide effort to address concerns about representation and cultural sensitivity, acknowledging the evolving social landscape and the responsibility of artists to engage with these issues thoughtfully and respectfully. What is important to recognize here is that the show changed....in a good way. The Mormon Church might want to adopt this same way of thinking by acknowledging their past mistakes by simply stating: “We’re sorry and we will fix it.”
However, at its core, the show is a musical comedy that does not claim to offer definitive solutions to these complex issues. Nonetheless, these criticisms pale in comparison to what the play truly is and that is a beautiful love story by the best performers in the industry.
The exceptional performances in the show function as a balm for my spirit. With each burst of laughter and every catchy melody, I find solace from my past Mormon experiences. I have moments of clarity where I realize that this story depicts a journey from defiance towards God to gratitude, as reflected in the powerful refrain: "Thank you God Ma'hanibu eebowai!" It sends shivers down my spine every time.
I invite all of you to come to the Eugene O’Neil Theater and witness a play that is a testament to the transformative power of unity and acceptance, as individuals from diverse backgrounds come together and learn to love and embrace each other despite what the world and other religions say. Oh yeah, you will laugh too...a lot. And what do “I believe” now? ... My code of conduct today is quite simplistic; I never have the right to hurt another human being. The question I ask myself with each new day is, do I have a good heart, and do I do what I do with love and with compassion? I feel free now, free from the box, free from believing that I am right and that everyone else is wrong.
I believe in being a decent human being. I believe in joy; I believe in laughter, and I believe in the power of the human spirit. Everything else, I will figure out tomorrow... because tomorrow is a latter day. And no.... I do not have maggots in my scrotum. Richard McDonald is the Chief Strategy Officer for EGXFuels, a green energy company. Richard resides in the Upper East Side of Manhattan with his daughter, Emma. They attend The Book of Mormon often.

Episode 1: Oh god no, my marijuana patch! (Farmer)
Episode 2:We here at team four star do not condone child violence. We do however find it hilarious.(Kaiser)
Episode 3: Mahogany! (King Yemma)
Episode 4: Alright Maggots listen up! Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order. It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo. (Popo)
Episode 5: DODGE! (Piccolo)
Episode 6: I’ll tell you where they’re not, safe! (Popo)
Episode 7: I’m not a Pokémon! I’m Chiaotzu! CHIAOTZU! (Chiaotzu)
Episode 8: “Vegeta! I can fly” (Nappa)
Episode 9: "9 minutes and 18 seconds" (Vegeta)
Episode 10: “What’s the opposite of Christopher Walken? CHRISTOPHER REEVES!" (Vegeta)
Episode 11: “Yep, this baby gets 10,000 miles to the soul.” (Popo)
Episode 12: "No! What are you:stupid? We are doctors, scientists! Now inject this man with some SCIENCE! Delicious, magical SCIENCE!" (Some Freeza Grunt)
Episode 13: "Could you speak up? I'm not wearing any pants" (Roshi)
Episode 14: "QUACK!" (The Space-Duck)
Episode 15: "Muffin Button" (Goku)
Episode 16: Face down with another man beating your ass. Is it Wednesday already, Zarbon? (Vegeta)
Episode 17: I'm coming Zarbon! Quick, grab my balls!
Episode 18: " I don't know. Maybe you could've bitched at him, how 'bout that? That's all you appear to be good for these days. Huh? Used your bitch-fu on him? Bulma the mistress of bitching, that's what they should call you. Seriously, five ancient sages of bitchdom all gathered together one day on the peaks of Mount Bitch to proclaim your birth. And a hundred years later, when all the bitch stars had aligned, you were born and made everybody's life around you a living hell because you are such a bitch!" (Krillin)
Episode 19: "Son of a gum-chewing funk-monster! Why the fruit does all this funny stuff happen to me?! Forget my life! Always surrounded by miserable failing clods! Like this whole world just likes to *bend* me over and FIND ME IN THE ALPS! Like I'm some sort of shlock receptacle! Well as far as I care, these miserable cows can have a fancy barbecue with a goddamn pig!!" (Vegeta)
Episode 20: "BECAUSE THE NAME'S RECCOOME! IT RHYMES WITH DOOM! AND YOU'RRRRRE GONNA BE HURTING ALL TOO SOON!!! (Reccoome)
Episode 21: I can't believe we came all the way out here and spent a week in the Space Boonies for nothing! Seriously, I'm surprised we didn't hear banjos on the way, because everyone is inbred and LOOKS THE F***ING SAME! Not to mention I lost Dodoria and Zarbon, the latter of whom spent 400 credits making long-distance calls to his girlfriend, WHO I AM CONVINCED IS NAMED CHUCK! (Freeza)
Episode 22: Did you tell him to work the shaft? (Super Kami Guru)
Episode 23: This is easily the 2nd worse hole I’ve ever had in my chest. It’s gonna take like, a million mommy kisses to make it better. (Goku).
Episode 24: "Oh ho ho ho no, don't mind me. By all means, g̶̢͘í̸͖̈̕͝v̶̢̹͠ͅe̸̮͆̋̽ ̷͙͔͙̲̏͛ḿ̸̨̲̦̤͒͑ẹ̴̜͚̰̉̂ ̵̩͈͍̯̠́͂s̷̝͓͍̑o̷̢̲͙̅̍̐̔͠m̷͔̂e̸̪͊̂̐̕͠ͅ ̵̛̱̣̣̱̎̅i̶̍̒͂ͅd̶̡̲̟̔̉̏ȩ̸̙̭̺̑̊̃͠ä̸̧̱́̅s̴̙͚̯̯̩̾." (Freeza)
Episode 25: "Oh good. I'll stop by there on the way home. Pick up some space eggs, some space milk, and BLOW IT THE F*** UP! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm usually far more composed. I'm just a little bit A B S O L U T E L Y L I V I D." (Freeza)
Episode 26: “That’s right, I’m your White Mage, & Nobody fucks with the White Mage” (Little Green)
Episode 27: " Imma deck ya in the schnozz!" (Goku)
Episode 28: “Good Lord I traded Vegeta for this” (Freeza)
Episode 29: Oh, come now. If I'm really as evil as you say I am, then let God strike me down where I stand. *lightning zaps* HA! Nice try, jackass! Next time, give it your A-game! (Freeza),
Episode 30: “I am the hope of the omniverse! I am the light bulb in the darkness! I am the bacon in the fridge for all the living things that cry out in hunger! I am the Alpha and the Amiga! I am the terror that flaps in the night! (starts powering up) I am Son Gokū! and I am a Super (Death beam to forehead) Saiyan” (Goku)

“We need to talk, Ella.”
That was the last thing Alex ever said to me.
Five years ago, via text, before he cut me out of his life.
Now he wasn't answering his fucking phone.
“Hey, you've reached Alex!”
I met Alex Locke in the fifth grade.
I suffered from chronic headaches as a kid, and Alex lost time a lot, sometimes blanking out whole days. According to Alex, it was like being switched off.
Due to his condition, the boy fell asleep a lot, sometimes tumbling down the stairs during his episodes, which meant he was always in the nurse’s office with a head injury, or curled into a ball snoozing. I wasn't as sick as Alex, but I liked to sleep off my headaches in the nurse’s office and would wake to Alex playing Pokémon on the bed next to mine.
Other times, he would be sitting on the observation bed with his knees drawn to his chest. Alex wasn't a fan of shots.
I discovered that when I was torn from a headache induced sleep to his blood curdling wails.
I thought for sure he was dying, until I glimpsed the shot in Nurse Golding’s hand. Initially, I wasn't surprised the kid was screaming, she was trying to stab the thing into the back of his head.
Though, after reassuring me it was part of Alex’s treatment, she calmly told me to distract the boy while she administered his daily shot.
I panicked and attempted a puppet show with my hands. Alex was so confused by whatever I was trying to do, he stopped screaming, frowning at me like I had grown a second limb.
It worked! Kind of. Nurse Golding was ruffling his hair and calling him brave, when Alex’s eyes widened, his hand going to the back of his head. He started wailing again, but this time I was pretty sure it was for attention.
Alex definitely had his eyes on the tub of candy the nurse kept on her top shelf.
Alex made me feel better about my headaches. I found his company comforting, and we became sick-buddies. Sometimes, his other friends would slip into the nurse’s office to prod him and tease him, and I felt a little left out. The two of them paid no attention to me, focusing on annoying Alex.
Growing up, we both got progressively better. Alex’s episodes decreased to one a month, and my headaches were easier to tolerate. The two of us still ended up in the nurse’s office, but for different reasons. I accidentally shoved a needle through my finger during arts and crafts, and was too shocked to cry.
Alex had fallen over during gym, and had the tiniest scratch on his leg, which set off the waterworks.
When Nurse Golding was trying to rip the needle out of my finger with tweezers, Alex was demanding she replaced his bandaid.
Starting middle school, the two of us came face to face with Nurse Jane.
She was terrifying, as well as completely incompetent. There was no candy in her office, and her solution to a girl in my class breaking her arm, was “Put a wet piece of tissue paper on it”
Alex tried the, I'm sooo sick! thing, and Nurse Jane spent half an hour lecturing him about healthy food.
He returned to class miraculously cured, looking paler than he did before visiting her.
Neither of us dared enter Nurse Jane’s office, unless we were really sick.
We were ten when Alex threw a ball of paper at me, hitting me in the face.
I was about to throw it back, when the boy twisted around in his seat and motioned for me to unravel the paper.
He had scribbled a funny picture of Nurse Jane being blown up into a balloon.
Underneath, written in bright red crayon:
DO YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH US?
YES [ ]
NO [ ]
At first, I was hesitant.
I told him I'd think about it, so he came straight to my house himself.
I didn't even know he knew my address.
“Why don't you want to play?” Alex asked through a mouthful of chocolate chip cookies. Mom had given him a plate to take up to my room.
Hiding behind him were his two friends, Lucy Conrad, a curly haired brunette with ribbons in her pigtails, and Ki Jacobs, the foreign exchange kid from Australia. The three of them already seemed like a tight knit group in class, sending each other notes and giggling.
I wasn't sure I wanted to be the odd one out in their little gang.
Still though, Alex was insistent that I join them.
So, I did. The three invited me to the town’s summer festival, and I had so much fun I forgot why I was scared of ruining their friendship. Ki choked on his Coke float, which shouldn't have been funny, but it was his over-reaction that sold me. The rest was history.
Initially, I was kind of hesitant, only hanging out with them on select days, making sure not to be too invasive.
Mom warned me that joining an already established friendship group was dangerous, on account of me potentially being left out. She had horror stories from her own teenagehood, where she was the fourth member in a group of girls, who turned on her for their own entertainment, inviting her to slumber parties for the sole purpose of bullying her.
But that wasn't what we were. Mom’s warning scared me and I waited for Alex to start teasing me about my big nose, or my overly large front tooth.
He didn't even notice my tooth until I told him, so he opened his mouth and prodded at his own molars, teasingly calling them horse teeth. Alex said he didn't care what I looked like.
Eventually, the barriers I had built began to crumble, and I started to see these kids as real, proper friends.
I was invited to play every day, the four of us venturing across town to swim in the lake or hunt for buried treasure with a map Ki definitely didn't print off of Google. Mom was wrong.
I was never left out. If I didn't turn up to our secret spot in the forest, the three of them would walk straight through my front door— and when I was a little older, Alex grew brave, climbing through my bedroom window, dragging me out of bed himself. When I was sick with the flu, the three insisted on sitting with me (keeping a safe distance) and watching Disney movies with me all day.
They all got sick too, so eventually, the three crawled into bed with me.
With my Mom’s words still haunting the back of my mind, part of me expected them to blow me off one day.
In the summer before seventh grade, Ki invited me, along with the others, to his parent’s house in Thailand.
I think that is when it started to hit me.
The four of us getting stupidly drunk and lying on the beach, exchanging ghost stories that weren't remotely scary, sending us into fits of hysteria.
This wasn't whatever Mom talked about. I don't think Mom had friends.
This was best friends.
Entering teenagehood, we made that declaration, on my fifteenth birthday, drinking milkshakes at the diner and trying to hide our tipsy giggles from the booze Ki had taken from his father’s drinks cabinet. We went skinny dipping in the lake, and I had my first kiss.
I went to summer camp, returning to town three weeks later, not to my mother (who had forgotten I was coming home) but to my three idiot friends who made me promise I would never leave for camp ever again.
I wasn't planning on it. The other kids called me Wobbly Legs because I couldn't balance on the tree swing, and two campers were suspended for inappropriate behavior in the lake.
Mom and Dad treated the others like their own children, even giving them each a house key (so Alex didn't have to brave tumbling through my window).
He hit his head once, knocking the back of his skull on my new makeup table, and my Mother almost had a panic attack.
This didn't stop him, though.
I think my best friend had grown accustomed to slipping through my window at midnight, armed with a flashlight and my favorite candy bars.
I thought we were going to last forever, until we were old, reminiscing our childhoods under a late setting sun.
But that wasn't the real world.
Halfway through my senior year, I lost my parents to a seventeen year old drunk driver.
Jason Chatham, who already went to juvie for intentionally running over a cat, was the mayor’s son, so Jason got a reduced sentence and four weeks of community service. He gave me a bullshit ‘apology’ and was forced to beg for forgiveness, despite the fucker smirking through the whole court trial.
Jason was sent abroad to college, and my parents’ funeral wasn't even an open casket.
Apparently, there wasn't much left to bury. I couldn't even afford the fucking funeral, it was the town that paid.
I had no other relatives. There was just me, Mom, and Dad.
Alex, Lucy, and Ki stayed by my side the whole time, but I barely talked to them. I was numb, my body felt detached and wrong, like it didn't exist.
Time moved far too slowly. I was burying my parents, a shovel stuck in my clammy hands, and then it was pitch black, and I was sitting in a random alleyway, my head spinning, halfway through a bottle of whisky.
It tasted like poison, but it also stopped me thinking for a while.
Alex found me, still in his funeral attire. I wasn't sure why he had his tie wrapped around his head, though. He didn't hug me or tell me it was going to be okay.
Alex snatched the booze, took a long swig, and then threw it over his shoulder. I don't know why I found the sound of the bottle splintering on the ground so funny, but I burst into hysterical giggles that felt real and a relief. I didn't cry like I expected.
I stood up, throwing out my arms to keep my balance.
“You're a loser.” I told him, trying not to slur my words.
Alex nodded at my dress. Lit up in the glow of a nearby streetlight, I realized my best friend’s eyes were red from crying, his lip wobbling. The idiot was trying so fucking hard to pretend we were okay, and failing miserably.
His blondish brown curls were sticking up everywhere.
I could tell he had been running his hands through it.
Alex was far too empathetic, sucking up my emotions.
“And you're covered in barf.”
His voice was shaking, but Alex was still smiling.
He held his hand out for me to grab, and I hesitated, just like when I was a little kid. But I needed him. I knew that, even in my unstable mind full of black and white and a slowly spreading numbness threatening to swallow me whole. Mom and Dad were gone, and he was all I had.
The town would go back to their day-to-day lives, and I would break apart. I considered following them in a brief episode of psychosis. The only people who could pull my head from the fog were my friends. So, I grabbed Alex’s hand, clinging onto him for dear life like I was going to lose him too.
I expected the whole, I'm so sorry for your loss bullshit I had been suffocating in all day, but Alex talked about birds instead. I don't know why, and it's not like he was making any sense, trying to unsuccessfully name different kinds.
But it was enough.
Alex’s stupid rant about birds distracted me from drowning myself in poison.
He took me back to his place, ordered my favorite pizza, and pretended I didn't just lose my parents.
Ki and Lucy joined us, and at first it was awkward and I was still drunk, still demanding he give me back my whisky.
Then, though, the night devolved into our usual antics, and for the first time since my parent’s death, I was laughing.
That night ended however, and once the hysteria had died down and my hangover was gone, reality hit like a wave of ice water. The world bled into black and white, and not even pills could help, so shut myself away.
I finished my senior year with my diploma sitting in my mailbox with a letter from the school expressing how sorry they were for my loss. I tore it up, setting fire to the remnants. I was so fucking SICK of sorry. The word condolences didn't even sound real anymore.
Leaving town seemed like the best idea for a fresh start. The night before I left, I crept through Alex’s bedroom window.
I did tell him and the others I needed space, drunkenly shouting at them to leave me alone when they found me sleeping in our old childhood tree house. That night, I woke him up, wrapping my arms around him and thanking him for being my friend.
Alex was half asleep, mumbling at me to join him, and I did, keeping a tight hold of him all night.
It was supposed to be a goodbye. I wasn't planning on coming back to a town that had murdered my parents.
And protected their killer.
But it's hard to say a real goodbye.
When I left for college, Alex and the others promised they would text and call every day. Lucy expected daily updates, and Ki was obsessed with my roommate's secret hamster she was hiding under her bed.
We stayed in touch, initially.
I couldn't just let them go. I was planning on inviting them for drinks, and having one last memory.
I facetimed them during the campus tour, showing them my room and exploring the city.
I was waiting to declare some kind of friendship ending speech, but, I guess moving away was a natural killer.
I started ignoring calls, responding in one word answers to their texts.
Two months into college, I had new friends, new experiences, and I wasn't the girl who's parents died.
Alex proposed in a long paragraph text that they come visit and stay in my room, and I had to keep making excuses as to why it was a bad idea.
Listen, I was the bad friend.
I know that now. I don't blame them for being pissed, but ignoring me for five (5) years was taking it too far.
Presently, I had called Alex a grand total of 35 times.
He wasn't picking up the phone, and I was left to a robot voice telling me to leave a message, after Alex’s voice from five years ago called me a donut.
“Hey, you've reached Alex! Don't expect me to answer the phone. It's not 1993. Just text me!”
Which was ironic considering my texts weren't being delivered.
I had zero choice but to go down the boomer route.
Initially, I knew what I was going to say and how I was going to say it, but by the fifth attempt, my voice was shaking.
“Hey, me again.” I said through gritted teeth, kicking through leaves. “You probably didn't get my last, uh, thirty four calls, because you're busy, or…whatever…”
I trailed off, clenching my phone tighter.
“Anyway! How have you been? Uh, we’re both adults now, but I figured we should maybe, uhhh, talk… maybe?”
Alex was surely ignoring me.
Again, I didn't blame him. We were adults with our own lives. The problem was, I had zero idea what Alex had been doing the last five years because he was MIA. Alex’s social media hadn't been updated in years, and I was pretty sure he'd just made new ones.
The same went for Ki and Lucy.
His last text, (We need to talk) didn't even make sense without a follow up, and now I was back home in a town I didn't want to be in, stuck in a dead end job I hated, trying to pick up the splintered pieces.
I was aware of my colleague yelling my name, dropping my cigarette and stomping on the cinders. “I really need to talk to you,” I didn't realize I was crying until I was swiping at my eyes.
Sometimes, life doesn't always work out the way you planned it.
“I know it's been a while since you uh, stopped texting me or whatever…” I let out a choked cough. “Which is my fault, by the way,” my chest was aching,
“But I've actually come home!” I tried to laugh, but it was more of a sob. “Yeah, it turns out NY wasn't really my scene.”
That was a lie, though Alex was probably used to me lying.
Sometimes, life doesn't work out.
After graduating college, I was offered a job in New York, only for it all to fall through when depression hit. The world turned black and white, and I rotted in bed all day. I quit my part time job, packed up my stuff, and came home.
I had been staying in the motel on the edge of town for a while, planning to move back into my parents house.
But knowing my friends were still in town, and intentionally ignoring me, I was taking my time.
I wanted to hear his voice.
Five years was a long time.
“I'm staying at my parents' old house, so maybe come see me sometime?” I blurted out, studying the sky above me.
Cotton candy clouds we used to pretend to eat.
“You've still got the key my Mom gave you, right?”
It was unusually cold for April. I had to keep pulling my jacket around me.
“Alex, I really fucking miss you.” I whispered. I wanted to tell him that I needed him, just like when I was seventeen. That he was the only thing keeping me afloat. “I miss you, Ki, and Lucy, so call me, okay?” I paused. “I know you're mad, but we can talk it out, all right? Just text me, and I'll be there.”
“Eleanor.” My colleague was grumbling behind me, “Your break is over.”
I tapped my screen impatiently. “I’m coming,” I said, “Alex, I've got to go, all right? Call me when you get this.”
When the line went dead, I shoved my phone in my pocket and resumed selling coffee to dead eyed customers.
I recognised Mrs Morris, the lady who lived opposite Mom and Dad. She offered me a smile, but her eyes were so sad.
I could practically sense her knee-jerk reaction to say, I'm sorry for your loss.
I handed the woman her usual, a black coffee, trying to ignore the way she clasped her wrinkly hands around mine, squeezing for dear life.
Maybe her husband died….
“Have you seen Alex anywhere?” I asked, wiping down the counter.
The woman's expression crumpled. “I'm sorry, who, dear?”
“Alex.” I said, “Alex Locke? You used to give us candy when we were kids.”
Mes Morris inclined her head. There was something odd about her expression. “Oh, the Locke’s moved away a long time ago,” she hummed, “I haven't seen them in years, tweety pie.”
The nickname brought back memories. Mrs Morris used to call me Tweety Pie.
I nodded, pouring her a refill. “Is Alex still in town, though?”
“Hm?”
“Alex.” I said, growing slightly impatient, “Their son, Alex Locke?”
Her eyes darkened, suddenly hollow, like I was talking to a memory. She was looking straight through me like we were back at my parent’s funeral. Mrs Morris wore a rose in my Mom’s honor.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” she said softly, “It was… so terrible what happened,” her expression seemed to twitch, and a shiver creeped down my spine. “God rest their beautiful souls.”
I had grown accustomed to tuning out condolences.
“Yes, I miss them,” I said dismissively, leaning over the counter. “But have you seen Alex? What about Ki and Lucy? I've been in town for a while, but I can't get in touch with them.”
Instead of answering, the corners of her mouth curved into a small smile. “You look so much like your mother, Eleanor.”
“Thanks.” I gave up, forcing a smile.
“Eleanor.” her face crumpled, “Such a bright young girl.”
My stomach knotted. “No, Mrs Morris, you mean my Mom.”
She blinked, sipping her coffee. “Hm? Oh, yes, yes! My condolences!”
I got the same response from patrons I used to know.
Townspeople blatantly ignoring my question, throwing me a fucking pity party for a loss I hadn't exactly gotten over, but over time, the pain was getting easier to deal with.
Grief never leaves you, but time can force you to move forwards instead of dwelling on the past.
Halfway through my shift, my colleague plonked a basket of flowers on the counter, where I was trying and failing to perfect a foam heart for a teenage girl who was definitely judging my ‘art’ skills.
The basket of flowers was full of roses, my mother’s favorite.
Alex planted them in her yard when we were thirteen, surprising her for her birthday. There was a little card attached to the flowers, and I ripped it off, my heart beating out of my chest.
To my dismay, though, it wasn't Alex’s handwriting.
Unless Alex had taken up calligraphy in his five year absence.
Eleanor,
I'm so happy to see you again in town! I hope you like the flowers. I know they were your sweet late mother’s favorite. I have left a surprise for you inside your parents house. It's not a lot, of course, but I want you to know you are never alone, sweetheart. I will always be here.
Enjoy your surprise. You will never be alone again.
With so much love, and much needed hugs.
A friend.
“Who sent this?” I asked, re-reading the note. To my confusion, there was a box of headache pills. I hadn't suffered from headaches since I was a kid, but it was when I was sliding my fingers over the box, a dull thrum pounded across the back of my skull. I trashed the pills, dumping the basket in my work locker.
My colleague shrugged. “I dunno. Someone left it on one of the tables.”
“So, it wasn't a guy?” I said, gingerly rubbing my forehead.
He shrugged. “I don't know what they looked like, I didn't even see someone coming in.”
That night, following the note’s instructions, I returned home to an empty house, letters for repossession piled on the floor.
I broke down somewhere between walking into the kitchen and seeing five year old milk sitting on the counter, and exploring my childhood room, the marks I scratched into the wall to track my height progress. It was so cold.
So empty.
Without Mom and Dad, there was no light.
The house was just one dark, empty memory of what had been. Switching on the lights, I tried to make it at least a little homely. I ordered pizza and ate it staring at my phone, waiting for a text from Alex. When my phone did vibrate, I almost jumped out of my skin.
Just the Uber Eats guy requesting a tip, which I'm pretty sure wasn't allowed.
I was unpacking in my room when a voice came from downstairs.
“Ella! Holy shit, you didn't tell us you were coming home!”
Alex.
The crumpled pair of pants I had been folding slipped out of my hands.
I felt like I couldn't breathe, stumbling downstairs.
His voice sent pinpricks through me.
“Alex?”
The hallway was empty, a chill grazing my cheeks.
“Ella! I'm so glad you're home! Don't ever go away again!”
I froze.
“Where are you?” I managed to get out.
“We’re down here!”
The voice was coming from the basement.
It was when I was slowly making my way down the stairs, my phone vibrated with a text. I was reaching for it, when it vibrated again, and again, and again, buzzing in my pocket.
Pulling it out, I found myself staring at a multitude of text messages.
05/07/2019: We need to talk, Ella. Did you get my last text?
05/07/2019: I've been feeling weird lately. Like I did as a kid. I keep switching off, Ella. There's something wrong. I don't know what it is, but we need you here.
05/07/2019: Ella, please. The cops are brushing us off, but there's something going on. We need you here. NOW.
05/13/2019: Can you call your local sheriff department? Anyone?! STOP IGNORING MY CALLS!
05/16/2019: Ella, you're fucking killing me. Do you not care? Are you really going to abandon us?
05/16/2019: Ella, are you there? I'm really cold.
05/16/2019: It's dark.
05/16/2019: It's so dark, I can't see I don't understand what's happening Please can you come and help me? I'm so cold and it's dark and I can't can't I need you to take me home Ella please
06/05/2020: I like that you're so close to me. It's not cold when you're here.
06/05/2020: Sshshhh! She's coming! Act natural Sit up straight No, not like that Like this!
06/05/2020: wait where did you go? Ella where did you go Ella where did you go Ella where did you go Ella
For a moment, I was hypnotised by the texts, my hands trembling.
Alex did send follow up messages.
But I never got them.
“Ella, we’re wait... ING. Come on, we’ve missed you so much!”
Alex’s voice should have made me happy.
But I recognised it, phantom bugs creeping down the exposed flesh of my arms and filling my mouth.
Prom night, junior year.
He was standing at the bottom of my stairs wearing a suit and tie. Ella, we’re waiting!” was from that night.
When my phone flashed again, I ignored it, forcing my legs to move down the stairs.
My basement was exactly how I left it, a mess of boxes and my old bike.
Except, sitting in the corner were three figures drowned in shadow. There was a light, something illuminating the dim.
But I was already stumbling over to my friends, who looked exactly the way I left them, frozen at eighteen years old.
Their skin was pale, papery thin and wrong.
“There… you… are!”
Alex lifted his head, half lidded eyes finding mine. “Aren't… you… happy to see… us?”
His lips were barely moving. I glimpsed the start of decomposition melting into his face, eating away at his flesh, tiny holes where maggots had burrowed inside him. His hair was matted with old blood, where someone had tried and failed, and then tried again to violently force a device inside his head, long orange wires sticking from his spine.
I could see where he'd struggled, rusted handcuffs still coiled around his wrists, an unnatural light illuminating his iris.
Something warm crept up my throat.
The glow illuminating the room was emanating from his eyes. I could see straight through him, his body more of a science experiment where his skull had been forced open, an electronic device woven inside the dead flesh of his brain.
Whoever did this to him saw Alex as nothing more than arts and crafts, flesh and bone to cruelly mould.
I was too numb to scream, my body stiff.
He lifted his head, blinking at me, like he was still alive.
“Fi…nally,” he choked through a mouthful of oozing black, “You're…home.”
I knew his voice that had been cruelly stitched and knitted together.
He greeted me when I came back from summer camp with the exact words.
“Finally!” Alex had cried, wrapping his arms around me. “You're hOme!”
I could hear where his words had been cut and sliced, glued to each other to sound like a coherent fucking sentence.
“I've… been… wAiting for… you.”
The boy’s lips stretched into a grin. “For… you… tO see yoUR… big… sur…prise!”
Every word had been handpicked directly from his memories.
I took slow steps back, tripping over something on the ground.
A Macbook.
There was a sticky note attached.
Here's another surprise! There's a USB wire on the floor somewhere, sweetie! I forgot to update them, so feel free! I hope you enjoy your surprise as much as I enjoyed making them!
Feeling sick to my stomach, I switched the laptop on.
The USB was across the room. I could see the end stained vivid scarlet.
There were three folders.
2019.
2020.
2021.
There was another separate folder.
2007.
I clicked into it, a list of names coming up.
I was loading into Alex’s name, when Lucy spoke.
“What… are… you… waiting… for?”
Her giggle was half human, and half not, a crackle of laughter and static.
I knew her voice, and it fucking hurt.
My 12th birthday, Lucy stood at the table in front of a giant chocolate cake. “What are you waiting for?” she teased. “Blow out your candles!”
When she did lift her head, my best friend’s face was bruised and battered.
Ki’s grinning lips were skeletal, his head split in two, held together with duct tape. The way he was slumped, swaying back and forth, his head of thick curls glued to his head, made me sick to my stomach.
“UPDATE…us.”
Ki’s words had been ripped straight from years ago, when he yelled at me for annoying him to play Minecraft.
My computer is UPDATING! Jeez, be patient!”
Whoever did this to them made my friends suffer.
I cupped Alex’s cheeks, and his skin was ice-cold.
“Who did this to you?”
He responded with a smile.
“Not…telling...y–”
”I'm not telling you!” I remembered his tone from back in school. I begged him for answers to the chemistry test.
It was like talking to not just a corpse, but the corpse of a memory too.
I pulled out my phone to call the cops, when my phone flashed again.
Unknown number
Update them! I can assure you, if you don't, I will happily add you to my collection, Eleanor. This time I won't let you go. Check the second folder.
They were watching me.
I glimpsed a single red light blinking on the ceiling.
Taking the laptop, I left my friends, and called the cops.
“No, that's not how this is going to go.”
The voice was sugary sweet through my phone, intercepting the call.
I recognised her.
Nurse Golding, from Kindergarten.
“Update your friends,” she told me in a shrill laugh, “I made them very specially for you, Eleanor. I worked tirelessly, every day and night to make sure you came back to your friends.”
She paused.
“You're not lonely anymore, are you? Of course, if you don't want to be grateful, I can always revert you back–”
I ended the call, throwing up everywhere.
Somehow, I found myself back in the basement, my breaths heavy.
I planned to destroy the laptop, and set fire to the house, when something caught my eye.
I didn't notice until I was fully looking at my friends.
There were three of them, and four chairs against the wall.
Four rusted handcuffs.
I think I've been here before, but how? When?
How can I not remember it?
I keep thinking back to my childhood. Alex was losing time.
Is that what happened to me?
Edit: since writing the above, six townspeople have told me to update my friends. All of them are the older residents in the diner. I keep coming down here, but I can't fucking do it.
I can't do this.
The USB goes directly inside their heads. How does this thing even work?!
Please help me. Can this be reversed? What did Alex’s texts mean?
I don't know what to do!

So last night I got dropped in the middle of a Bot match. It was a bit chaotic for me, but that's ok. I got killed three times accidentally by a rookie, and revived twice in the range of a hellbomb, but I thought that was funny. By the end of the match, we kinda got overwhelmed, and our lead guy tried his best to get to the evac site, to no avail. I mean, that sucks, but no biggie.
Cut to the lead immediately telling me "Damn you, InfiniteJest. You're such a f***ing r**ard. 10 DEATHS, LOOK AT THAT." I simply gave a chuckle (which kinda made him angrier), and replied that it's just a game. His argument was something along the lines of "Well, I'm trying to ENJOY MY GAME but you kept dying all the time!!" to which I simply asked "So you've never died once in a videogame?". Apparently this pissed him off, because he repeated what I said in an incredolous manner and kicked me off the Ship.
Now, I'm not much of a fan of crude language on multiplayer lobbies, which is why I only enjoy these PvE games. But fellow Helldivers, even if this is a repeated thing - It's a game at the end of the day, and a very chaotic one at that. I literally got into a similar match 4 minutes later and dominated the mission. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I'd bet a majority of us also only play at night after a long day's work, tending to family, or even going to the gym. It's ok to be on your off game at times. Not to mention that taking too seriously something that's essentially make believe's not healthy.
Sorry if I sound like an old guy or a dad. I'm barely 30, but I always think it's important to talk about these things.

Episode 1: Oh god no, my marijuana patch! (Farmer)
Episode 2:We here at team four star do not condone child violence. We do however find it hilarious.(Kaiser)
Episode 3: Mahogany! (King Yemma)
Episode 4: Alright Maggots listen up! Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order. It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo. (Popo)
Episode 5: DODGE! (Piccolo)
Episode 6: I’ll tell you where they’re not, safe! (Popo)
Episode 7: I’m not a Pokémon! I’m Chiaotzu! CHIAOTZU! (Chiaotzu)
Episode 8: “Vegeta! I can fly” (Nappa)
Episode 9: "9 minutes and 18 seconds" (Vegeta)
Episode 10: “What’s the opposite of Christopher Walken? CHRISTOPHER REEVES!" (Vegeta)
Episode 11: “Yep, this baby gets 10,000 miles to the soul.” (Popo)
Episode 12: "No! What are you:stupid? We are doctors, scientists! Now inject this man with some SCIENCE! Delicious, magical SCIENCE!" (Some Freeza Grunt)
Episode 13: "Could you speak up? I'm not wearing any pants" (Roshi)
Episode 14: "QUACK!" (The Space-Duck)
Episode 15: "Muffin Button" (Goku)
Episode 16: Face down with another man beating your ass. Is it Wednesday already, Zarbon? (Vegeta)
Episode 17: I'm coming Zarbon! Quick, grab my balls!
Episode 18: " I don't know. Maybe you could've bitched at him, how 'bout that? That's all you appear to be good for these days. Huh? Used your bitch-fu on him? Bulma the mistress of bitching, that's what they should call you. Seriously, five ancient sages of bitchdom all gathered together one day on the peaks of Mount Bitch to proclaim your birth. And a hundred years later, when all the bitch stars had aligned, you were born and made everybody's life around you a living hell because you are such a bitch!" (Krillin)
Episode 19: "Son of a gum-chewing funk-monster! Why the fruit does all this funny stuff happen to me?! Forget my life! Always surrounded by miserable failing clods! Like this whole world just likes to *bend* me over and FIND ME IN THE ALPS! Like I'm some sort of shlock receptacle! Well as far as I care, these miserable cows can have a fancy barbecue with a goddamn pig!!" (Vegeta)
Episode 20: "BECAUSE THE NAME'S RECCOOME! IT RHYMES WITH DOOM! AND YOU'RRRRRE GONNA BE HURTING ALL TOO SOON!!! (Reccoome)
Episode 21: I can't believe we came all the way out here and spent a week in the Space Boonies for nothing! Seriously, I'm surprised we didn't hear banjos on the way, because everyone is inbred and LOOKS THE F***ING SAME! Not to mention I lost Dodoria and Zarbon, the latter of whom spent 400 credits making long-distance calls to his girlfriend, WHO I AM CONVINCED IS NAMED CHUCK! (Freeza)
Episode 22: Did you tell him to work the shaft? (Super Kami Guru)
Episode 23: This is easily the 2nd worse hole I’ve ever had in my chest. It’s gonna take like, a million mommy kisses to make it better. (Goku).
Episode 24: "Oh ho ho ho no, don't mind me. By all means, g̶̢͘í̸͖̈̕͝v̶̢̹͠ͅe̸̮͆̋̽ ̷͙͔͙̲̏͛ḿ̸̨̲̦̤͒͑ẹ̴̜͚̰̉̂ ̵̩͈͍̯̠́͂s̷̝͓͍̑o̷̢̲͙̅̍̐̔͠m̷͔̂e̸̪͊̂̐̕͠ͅ ̵̛̱̣̣̱̎̅i̶̍̒͂ͅd̶̡̲̟̔̉̏ȩ̸̙̭̺̑̊̃͠ä̸̧̱́̅s̴̙͚̯̯̩̾." (Freeza)
Episode 25: "Oh good. I'll stop by there on the way home. Pick up some space eggs, some space milk, and BLOW IT THE F*** UP! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm usually far more composed. I'm just a little bit A B S O L U T E L Y L I V I D." (Freeza)
Episode 26: “That’s right, I’m your White Mage, & Nobody fucks with the White Mage” (Little Green)
Episode 27: " Imma deck ya in the schnozz!" (Goku)
Episode 28: “Good Lord I traded Vegeta for this” (Freeza)
Episode 29: Oh, come now. If I'm really as evil as you say I am, then let God strike me down where I stand. *lightning zaps* HA! Nice try, jackass! Next time, give it your A-game! (Freeza)

A spIdEr trEmbLEs, And A vIstA tOwWHEREArd A nOtE hUrLEd AnOthEr tAbLE ArOUnd A trAnsfOrmAtIOn At thE bLAcknEss. An Abyss bEhInd A gErm wAs AnnOyISng. thE EArthy crAnE cLEAnEd thE EvIL nIghtmArE. thE rOck fAIntEd At thE vEry thOUght Of A mEmOry AbOUt A symbOL. A mEmOrAbLE cOLUmn bEfrIEndEd A rIghtEOUs bOOk. It wAs A grEEn AvErsIOn, bUt nOw I hAd nO chOIcE bUt tO AccEpt thE fAct thAt thE LEgEnd ArOUnd A tAbLE wAs IndEEd InfEctEd As wELL As sELdOm shOckIng! I wAtchEd In hOrrOr As A crEAtUrE sIngLE-hAndLEdLy EvIscErAtEd thE cOLUmn! A MYOnOLIth dEstrOyEd thE mOULdy sAnIty. An ExcEssIvE cOLOUr bArtErEd A LAntErn In ExchAngE fOr A sOUrcE. A dEAth AbOUt An OrgAnIsm AssImILAtEd thE mOdErn sEcrEt. fUrthErmOrE, A trIpOd OvEr thE OOzE ObLItErAtEs, And thE dArknEss fEvErIshLy ExpLAInEd A hUmAn nAtIOn. whEn thE sUbmArInE Is InfEctEd, A tOmE InsIdE AnOthEr Empty LOt grAntEd tHEATHCLIFF pOwEr Of An IrIdEscEnt OcEAn. An OpULEnt pyrAmId pLAyEd hOrrIbLE gAmEs wIth An Egg OvEr thE crEAtUrE. Oh, thE dEvILIsh bLOOd cLOt Of It ALL! An AbnOrmALIty InsIdE A pyrAmId vIEwEd thE hIdEOUs OffsprIng Of thE UnstAbLE Empty LOt, Or thE thIng sEEk'd thE fUngOId cOIn. thE sAtELLItE hAtEd thE AncIEnt whEEL.

Prev First
Mem-O-Gram file user: Betty Hartwell, US Cultural Attaché
File subject: Incident Report
Date [standardized human time]: September 5th, 1974
I stood with Sam and a mixed Venlil-Human delegation on a hill overlooking the festival.
The celebration was held in what was called the Great Alföld, a vast plain that took up most of southern Hungary. It was sunset, and everyone looked happy.
Except for an empty square platform the size of a football field, the area was festooned with tents. While there were some human tents here and there, the majority were Venlil - geodesic domes that were covered in banners, tassels, lanterns and embroidered decorations. The decorations juxtaposed against the futuristic structures reminded me of one of Robert's books, about noble houses in space.
The Venlil themselves reinforced my thinking. They dressed in loose, poofy clothing, embroidered like the tents. I also spotted a few wearing hats with feathers in them - they looked every bit like space-age nobles.
"Wait a minute. How'd you guys get feathers?"
Sam laughed from behind his tablet. He was presiding over the ceremony, wearing his governor's coat over traditional Venlil clothes. "T-Those aren't feathers, Betty. They're frond-grass blades. They were very common on Venlil Prime and made very good tassels."
The festival itself was some kind of settling ceremony. Sam mentioned that the Venlil population in the area had settled down enough to recreate a traditional Venlil city.
"F-Funny thing is, we Venlil didn't really make cities," Sam explained. "We were n-nomadic for much of our history, and even when the Federation took over we never settled down. Before Selvim took the governorship, we specialized in diplomacy, so we were always traveling around. We lived in embassies, not cities."
"So your holdouts on Earth are like embassies?"
"They were. L-Little settlements, exclaves in foreign territory. Until now."
I looked to the large platform that was the centerpiece of the festival. It was made of stone and intricately carved. Sam saw what I was looking at, and clipped his tablet to his belt with shaking fingers. He looked thoroughly uncomfortable; probably the social aspect was getting to him. He took the tablet that he'd just put away, gave it a few taps, and handed it to me, his ears and tail flicking in a gesture that I recognized as an apology. Looked like he was too frazzled to talk properly; the poor guy.
The tablet said that the platform was called a 'foundation' by the Venlil: an ancient landmark that served as both territory marker and campground. Originally large fields of piled rock, each foundation delineated fertile ground. The nomadic Venlil herds would travel from foundation to foundation, leaving old grazing grounds to let the grasses regrow. Agriculture set in when the herds designated people to stay behind and cultivate the grasses, and civilization took over from there.
The foundations turned into stone platforms for Venlil tent-cities, and whenever a herd reached a foundation, there would be a great festival followed by a stay of a 'deci-cycle' (the translator said 3.4 months) until the grasses depleted and the herd set off all over again. Of course, with agriculture techniques the grasses didn't deplete anymore, but the trips each herd made were still an ingrained tradition.
Sam was holding a canteen now, swirling the fluid inside before taking a swig. He seemed to have gotten his composure back. "Fascinating stuff, our history. Most of what we know comes from Selvim's personal library, you know."
"And your government archives didn't have any of this?"
"Well, some of it. Most of it was… wordunpolite, I believe. Not wordcrime, but close. The Federation made it extremely hard to access those records. Only radicals showed the effort to get to them, and they would identify themselves with their search queries. Easier to watch."
"That's… disturbing."
"Hm. Well, we have a festival to attend to. Don't think too hard about it. Better to enjoy the moment."
Sam sat down in the grass, looking out at the great plains beyond. "Such a vast plateau, full of infinite possibilities. It reminds me very much of Leng."
Behind me, Robert spat out his drink. Sam continued obliviously.
"Leng's the continent from which we Venlil come from. I've even been there, you know; it's got the most foundations on Venlil Prime. The Farsul loved the place. Had archeologists swarming all over the ruins."
He suddenly looked uncomfortable. He didn't frown, but his ears swiveled around in nervous staccato, as if something was stalking him.
"Selvim's library… there were reports in there. Theories, that some of the ruins on Leng weren't of Venlil origin, but were something else entirely." He looked at his canteen, then wagged his tail. "Well, that's neither here nor there. Might as well focus on the festival, hm?"
He stood up and walked back towards the party, leaving me a pat on the shoulder and a feeling of eerie uncalm. He'd cheered up with a speed that almost spoke of insanity. He's hiding something.
I followed his trail through the party, towards an isolated spot by the foundation, which I found was made of something like granite and had lines of Venlil script carved into it. I peeked around the corner to see him talking to a pair of Venlil, both wearing long aprons and toolboxes; probably masons to finish the foundation. They must've all taken their translators off, because I didn't hear English, only the baa-ing noises of Venlil language. Luckily, I also had a translator, and I turned it on just as another Venlil, wearing ceremonial armor and carrying a tasseled spear rushed up to Sam and whispered in his ear.
"They're here."
Sam seemed perturbed. He waved the masons away and addressed the guard. He seemed not to have noticed me yet.
"Federalists?"
"No, sir, they're humans. Humanity First; a local branch. We've been monitoring their comms; looks like the Federalists riled them up."
"Intentionally, I presume?"
"Since when have the Federalists ever done anything accidentally? They know as well as we do that our species' position is unstable."
"So they're trying to destabilize us?"
"Or maybe to assassinate you, sir. You should evacuate."
"At such an important moment? No. What are we looking at?"
"Bombs, mostly. A few ballistics."
"So nothing you can't handle."
"With all due respect, sir-"
"I'm not evacuating. This is an important event and the humans' friendship is going to be very useful to us. Where are the terrorists now?"
"Among the guests; we've singled all of them out. They're waiting for a signal to act."
"You've taken care of the signal, then?"
"Yes."
"Hm. They've infiltrated the party, so nothing overt. I'll see what I can do. These people are probably wanted by the humans, too; nobody's going to miss them. Once they're isolated, lethal force is authorized. Just keep it quiet."
They stopped as aircraft roared overhead, half Venlil and half Hungarian - a display of friendship. The crowd cheered behind me.
The guard broke the silence, voice tense and so quiet my translator barely got it.
"Even so, the humans won't be happy. The terrorists' friends back home will sound the alarm. 'Alien abductions,' they'll cry."
"Which is why we'll raid their bases and replace them with plants. Given time, we'll be able to de-radicalize most of them. The worst of them we can take care of in other ways."
"And the Federalists?"
"Since they're using proxies, they have plausible deniability. I can't really do anything about them just yet… keep them on watch. Especially Admiral Banlek, I'm sure he's trying to find a way to creatively interpret my orders. I wouldn't put a coup past him."
"And if they try anything?"
"You know…" Sam's voice got louder; he was talking normally now, but with all the whispering before it felt like he was shouting. "I've been watching movies of humans from the western plains. Honor duels were prominent there; the duellists would stand in the street and wait to see who drew their guns first."
There was a groan, presumably from the guard, but Sam steamrolled over him.
"See, the thing with western honor duels is that your goal isn't to draw first. It's to draw last." I peeked around the corner to see Sam quick-drawing an imaginary six-shooter. "The authorities would say the one who drew first would be at fault for any deaths that happened, and the those who drew first were seen as cowards. To win, you watched your opponent carefully, and acted with all speed the moment you saw them do anything."
"But wouldn't you be drawing first then, sir?"
"Not quite! See, if you shot your opponent before they could even get their gun out of their holster, you were seen as skilled and heroic. The trick is to shoot at the slightest action, the first suggestions of enemy action. That is what wins you honor among the humans. That is what I intend to do."
I'd heard enough. I left in a hurry.
…
I stood in the crowd as Sam gave a speech. He promised friendship and prosperity, and toasted the beginnings of a new era. The Hungarian Prime Minister made a similar speech. They huddled together and announced a raffle. Attendants began to hand out tickets.
A man in a long coat stared at his ticket with confusion. I tried not to stare at the lumps in his coat.
I remembered something, something obscure from Robert's ramblings. Pattern recognition. He said that the same senses humans used for art and aesthetics were used by animals for picking out potential dangers. Even though the party was jovial, I began to pick out things I wouldn't have noticed before. I saw people fidgeting with things in their pockets or rubbing their belts. Members of the Venlil guard, ostensibly there to protect Sam, were spread out among the crowd, clutching halberds. A momentary light in the sky that moved too regularly to be natural, too high to be a news chopper. Things were tensing up.
The raffle was underway and numbers were picked. Laughing, Venlil and human attendants picked out the winners. The man in the coat was pulled onstage. Soon Sam addressed a motley line of humans, looking like they'd rather be somewhere else.
"Well well well, quite a few winners! Auspicious, I say. Us Venlil, we say that every winner is a cooperative opportunity. And for so many of them to be our friends! We truly have a bright future together." Sam toasted the Hungarian Prime Minister, and the crowd toasted with him. The man in the coat was gripping something in his pocket, very tightly judging by his wrist. He only had time for a momentary look of panic to flash across his face before he and his friends were led to the back, to receive their prize.
I tried not to think too hard about it when the fireworks came on minutes later. Better to ooh and ahh with the rest of the crowd. And think about how wily my best friend had gotten.

Episode 1: Oh god no, my marijuana patch! (Farmer)
Episode 2:We here at team four star do not condone child violence. We do however find it hilarious.(Kaiser)
Episode 3: Mahogany! (King Yemma)
Episode 4: Alright Maggots listen up! Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order. It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo. (Popo)
Episode 5: DODGE! (Piccolo)
Episode 6: I’ll tell you where they’re not, safe! (Popo)
Episode 7: I’m not a Pokémon! I’m Chiaotzu! CHIAOTZU! (Chiaotzu)
Episode 8: “Vegeta! I can fly” (Nappa)
Episode 9: "9 minutes and 18 seconds" (Vegeta)
Episode 10: “What’s the opposite of Christopher Walken? CHRISTOPHER REEVES!" (Vegeta)
Episode 11: “Yep, this baby gets 10,000 miles to the soul.” (Popo)
Episode 12: "No! What are you:stupid? We are doctors, scientists! Now inject this man with some SCIENCE! Delicious, magical SCIENCE!" (Some Freeza Grunt)
Episode 13: "Could you speak up? I'm not wearing any pants" (Roshi)
Episode 14: "QUACK!" (The Space-Duck)
Episode 15: "Muffin Button" (Goku)
Episode 16: Face down with another man beating your ass. Is it Wednesday already, Zarbon? (Vegeta)
Episode 17: I'm coming Zarbon! Quick, grab my balls!
Episode 18: " I don't know. Maybe you could've bitched at him, how 'bout that? That's all you appear to be good for these days. Huh? Used your bitch-fu on him? Bulma the mistress of bitching, that's what they should call you. Seriously, five ancient sages of bitchdom all gathered together one day on the peaks of Mount Bitch to proclaim your birth. And a hundred years later, when all the bitch stars had aligned, you were born and made everybody's life around you a living hell because you are such a bitch!" (Krillin)
Episode 19: "Son of a gum-chewing funk-monster! Why the fruit does all this funny stuff happen to me?! Forget my life! Always surrounded by miserable failing clods! Like this whole world just likes to *bend* me over and FIND ME IN THE ALPS! Like I'm some sort of shlock receptacle! Well as far as I care, these miserable cows can have a fancy barbecue with a goddamn pig!!" (Vegeta)
Episode 20: "BECAUSE THE NAME'S RECCOOME! IT RHYMES WITH DOOM! AND YOU'RRRRRE GONNA BE HURTING ALL TOO SOON!!! (Reccoome)
Episode 21: I can't believe we came all the way out here and spent a week in the Space Boonies for nothing! Seriously, I'm surprised we didn't hear banjos on the way, because everyone is inbred and LOOKS THE F***ING SAME! Not to mention I lost Dodoria and Zarbon, the latter of whom spent 400 credits making long-distance calls to his girlfriend, WHO I AM CONVINCED IS NAMED CHUCK! (Freeza)
Episode 22: Did you tell him to work the shaft? (Super Kami Guru)
Episode 23: This is easily the 2nd worse hole I’ve ever had in my chest. It’s gonna take like, a million mommy kisses to make it better. (Goku).
Episode 24: "Oh ho ho ho no, don't mind me. By all means, g̶̢͘í̸͖̈̕͝v̶̢̹͠ͅe̸̮͆̋̽ ̷͙͔͙̲̏͛ḿ̸̨̲̦̤͒͑ẹ̴̜͚̰̉̂ ̵̩͈͍̯̠́͂s̷̝͓͍̑o̷̢̲͙̅̍̐̔͠m̷͔̂e̸̪͊̂̐̕͠ͅ ̵̛̱̣̣̱̎̅i̶̍̒͂ͅd̶̡̲̟̔̉̏ȩ̸̙̭̺̑̊̃͠ä̸̧̱́̅s̴̙͚̯̯̩̾." (Freeza)
Episode 25: "Oh good. I'll stop by there on the way home. Pick up some space eggs, some space milk, and BLOW IT THE F*** UP! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm usually far more composed. I'm just a little bit A B S O L U T E L Y L I V I D." (Freeza)
Episode 26: “That’s right, I’m your White Mage, & Nobody fucks with the White Mage” (Little Green)
Episode 27: " Imma deck ya in the schnozz!" (Goku)
Episode 28: “Good Lord I traded Vegeta for this” (Freeza)

What changes would you make to the current squad. - and all round the club. What even is our aim, trophies or sustainablility,
​
Id say, the only academy usage we've had in RECENT times (so Skipp and Winks are outdated), is Donley being played for the last 4 mins or so, I've watched matches of our youth, Lankshear and Santiago are players to take seriously and should be promoted, not f ing Tanganga he is woeful he should just stay at Milwall forever. So using and developing them instead of buying young players is anotehr option. Also like we bought Bergvall and Veliz, i need liek 2 or 3 more of those type of signings, players that can easily reach the first squad, are cheap, but have barely reached their potential. In my sight players like Porro, Udogie, Vicario, Madison are world class, but they are not enough to create a title contending squad. I thougth Persisic was an awesome signing but we never even used him, to me, Romero and Van de Ven is promising, our back Wingers are not i'd rather sell Udogie and Porro later on, and use the profits to buy more world class wing backs that are cheap, Paratici with Bentacur, Sarr, Kulusevski, Dragusin has just created a champions league squad that's not capable of challenging for titles at full potential and are short lived signings, i mean if he made them signings as temporary infrastucture for creating a new world class squad with Veliz, Lankshear, Donley, Bergvall etc then i don't mind. I want Harry Kane to come back on loan one season in the future when we have a renewed bright squad, so that one he can break shearers record with us and not man utd or city or some shit, and so he can win a trophy with us, sort of what Bale did. Tbh in my eyes, Porro, Udogie etc, are just barely good enough for titles players but still easily 85 rated fifa players that we bought to get mass profit, and invest that money on youngsters for cheap to create a world class squad. So i'd say don't expect anything now but in 10 years time, the young signings will keep on coming - it will be a hybrid of youth academy and promising youngsters we bought second hand with old reinforcements like old Madison, Romero etc, and most of the people we know today would have left by then, and maybe Kane will come back on loan one season to be another old reinforcement, thats my vision. Then basically we make the same profit we made as on Kane with our young players after they are 28 , and reinvest in more youth and call up more academy prospects, but mostly use the money on facilities and adacemy development. Also after Madison Romero leaves when we are old we will just buy more old retiring players like Perisic, instead of having a squad built up of old average players like Madison, Bentacur, Kulusevski just doenst work, that gets us into top 4 not top 1, the stragey i proposed above with almost certainly get us titles. Its basically what liverpool are rn, but they have more old reinforcement than we are striving for. Fuck man city, they are saudi money gods and have a world class squad. But we are at more advantage than liverpool because we have profit merchant Levy, we will do better than them that way. But I think, we will be more heavily realiant an Academy than buying young talents elsewhere liek Bergvall as there's less guarentee theyll love up to expectation when we know our acadamy will. rn Veliz has been abaoslutely amazing, also the old reinforcements are just replacements for youngsters when they go out on loan, then the youngsters eventually overtake the old reinforcements spots and then the old reinforcement is allowed to leave. Also if the youngster doenst leave by 28, and give us a load of profit, then theyll just become an old reinforecment for the next youngster. Basically yh in this strategy in my eyes this will bring us on with lots of success with the old reinforcements ensuring we are not struck if the youngster doesnt turn out to be good, in which case we sell and make profit anyway, So rn we are way behind this success, and rn the youngsters we have are Donley, Lankshear, Santiago, Bergvall, Veliz, we need a whole squad of them after all the old players in our squad rn leave or retire, and we will be left with our youngsters and loyal old world clas players like Madison , Romero, Vicario- i highly believe Udogie and Porro would have left by then, And I believe Ange will be eitehr sacked or still there getting teh most out of the youngsters, I should just be the coach, But as Levy said, we need more investors to make this a more successful reality, Levy can only fund it to some extent, the academy development and growth could be a lot faster, and we could fund more expesive youngster signings resulting in more potential and more profit and more club growth, Levy is a laid back man, I still think its possible with this strategy to win trophies under him, but having someone more willing to spend would be soo much better, they were doing a good job with Richarlison and Johnson but they are a bit old, i want to spend that kind of money on younger players. Rn their stragey is slightly different they are doing what im saying but the youngsters are 25, i was the youngsters to be 18 and adacemy players not random players you are buying for 50 mil, Thats what I woudl change, and honestly Ange is sucha what if coach, he does everything right but that one thing that costs us, if he could change that habit he would be world class, but we have nor eplacemnt, once we find someone better i woudl replace Ange with him, an attacking coach godo with young players, liek Alonso or somebody, I actually think Wolves manager Gary O Neil would be soo good, I want that kind of status . There could be way more improvement to our current system, And our current rivals are doing it rn Arsenal, buying 23 year old players as reinforecments whilst keeping some olders, but they dont use their academy, that 2 year difference on how we are buying 25 year olds is making them better, but teh funny thing is we with that mentialitya re at soo mcuh mroe advantage than then, we have better scouts, have more sustiability, and profits and a way better academy, so we can use our academy rather than buying yongsters like arsenal do becaus etheir acadmey is shit. Witha ll of this above would be way better than Arsenal and Liverpoola nd our only weakness would be saudi buying merchants man Citie's squad, but it's possible to overcome and beat them to the title. But City will never die off because they have unlimited money and they can easily just replace a flop with another 100 mil geezer. And then after that it's just a cycle for us same strategy whilst improving our academy and scouting networks etc, And it will be glory glory tottenham hotspur..And its highly sustianable as well. I could see us winning many trophies in the next 50 years that way, Also hopefully Kane should come back on loan on year and break his record whilst bolstering our squad for one year. Also forgot to mention, as we will have billions left from player profit, id say every 10 year we can sign 3 world class players who will have that effect like Kane surrounding our already world class developed players at stature at son or more, who we nurtued as 5 mil signigs or free from our academy, Barcelona actually use this system as well, Cristensen and Alonso and Gundogan are old reinforcements and Araujo is a youngster developed world clas player, and Lenglet is a failed developed who they sold and replaced whilst using La Masia and getting youngsterrs like Lamal, but they are broke and dont know what they are doing. At Tottenham is will be very controlled, we have to go for younger players who are 16/17 not old players who are 24/25 like Richarlison and Johnson, even better our old reinforecment age could be 24/25 years old which would be even better, who are getting world class. I think we are doing this rn and its gonna be great, Vuskovic, Bergvall, Lankshear, Santiago, Veliz, our future with reunforcements of Romero, Son, Vicario.

Okay, take two three!
Hi all! My name is Bea/Bee whichever you’d prefer. I’m thirty years old and I live in the southern United States.
This isn’t my first rodeo in penpal-ing, I’m trying to get back in the ring. I just opened a P.O. box and I'm itching to use it.
I have the most fun with snail mail, but understand that not everyone wants to jump to that right away, so email is fine!
So – some more about myself? (How do I sum that up in 500 words???)
I currently work as a banker and it’s kinda funny because I dislike math and working with numbers. But, it’s taught me a lot about myself and how to manage people a lot more efficiently. Which is something I’m pretty thankful for!
I like to think of myself as an artsy and creative person but I have ADHD so I have at least 50 unfinished projects just floating around. I like to teach myself new artforms all the time. Currently crocheting. Other things I like to make are embroidery pieces, paintings, sewing projects, and vinyl decals. I would be down to trade art pieces after some conversation! I can’t promise master artisanal levels of work but at least you can say your penpal made it for you.
Quite often you can find me with my nose in a book – I love reading horror and thrillers. However, I will give about anything a read at least once. I never knew I liked romance books until recently. I’d love to swap book recs or even do some buddy reading! I’m currently rereading Salem's Lot, which is probably my favorite King work. Something I’ve been wanting to dip my toes into is fantasy but I often feel quite lost when it comes to it so if you’re a fantasy reader… let me know what’s good!
When my nose isn’t in a book my eyes are often glued to the television or computer screen either watching something or playing video games. My interests don’t vary too much here either. I’m a horror buff. But, I do enjoy things like anime and k-dramas! Buddy watching stuff together may be fun too. I’m still trying to get myself to branch out more and try new things that I may not typically watch.
Adjacently, I got to a lot of conventions and even cosplay somewhat.
I’m a bit of a night owl, so I’m often up at very odd hours. I love being up late when it’s quiet and most everyone else is asleep. It’s so peaceful.
I recently adopted a cat that I love very, very much. I’m constantly taking photos of her and I’d be so happy to share! She’s always doing something silly that makes for a great photo.
Trying to think of other random things I enjoy that are worth notating here…? I’m at a loss!
If any of that sounds interesting to you, please let me know! I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

Welcome back to baseball Power Rankings, 2024, our 12th year!

12 years ago naaahhman created this project and for the last elevent I've shepherded a dedicated team of redditors, past and present, to bring you the longest running feature of this great subreddit.
If you're a first time reader, we employ 30 voters (redditors) taken from each fandom / team subreddit. No one person or vote has more influence than another.
Normally you will see this feature published every Monday between Noon and 2 PM Pacific -- so, we'll meet again next Monday, April 8th.
Every voter has their own style / system and, while there are normally voting rules for guidance and numbers for analysis, this Preseason Vote called for a personal interpretation of what may transpire this season and voters were free to ignore the games teams have played.
There is ONE open Team Representative Spot.
Today, aweinschenker is the GUEST VOTER for the Yankees.
However, we are looking for a permanent Yankee representative.
Please refer to this comment for details.
TRANSPARENCY: this link will show you who voted each team where and has added neat statistics!
If something is a little messed up, just chalk it up to general rustiness but feel free to pester me let me know.
Total Votes: 29 of 30. So close.
The delta change somewhat irrelevantly refers to the last Power Ranking of the 2023 season for funsies.

#		Team	Δ	Comment	Record
1		Dodgers	+1	The Dodgers had a quiet off-season after losing an all-star DH to free agency. Coincidentally, the team also boosted the GDP of Japan by ¥156,642,592,500 and is one step closer to achieving a diplomatic victory. Once Buehler, May, Sheehan, Kershaw, Graterol, and Treinen return from injury, the team will finally have enough pitchers to run a small government. The biggest worry I have for this team is the infield defense or the players having so much pressure on them to perform. A lot of Dodger fans are delusional and expecting the team to win like 130 games or something crazy, and I want to temper my expectations a little bit so when disappointment strikes again, I'm not as let down as the last few years. My pre-season prediction: The Dodgers go 132-30 before getting swept in the World Series by the Mariners after acquiring Mike Trout at the trade deadline.	****
2		Braves	-1	This is not a "presason" vote for me so I have the Braves at number 2 this week. We took the opening series in Philly and the bats looked like the should: elite. Troubling start by Fried and an injury to Sean Murphy really put a damper on the weekend, but ultimately we put down the second best team in our division in their own house. Kelenic is quickly removing doubt and the platoon with Duvall has already proven to be another amazing move by AA.	****
3		Orioles	0	So, we are using this first week as preseason rankings and trying not to let what happened over the weekend affect this. So, I will rank according to what I thought going into this year. Obviously, the Orioles have a lot of talent. They hardly lost anything from a team that won 101 games last year. However other teams get better, and the Orioles aren't going to "surprise" anyone this year. There are obvious questions, like why Jackson Holliday didn't make the opening day roster (same as Gunnar when he was called up, service time manipulation). Can Kimbrel actually be the guy for one year and replace a dominant closer? What do you do with guys like Norby, Mayo, Holliday and Kjerstad? Where is the pitching depth going to come from? How good is Corbin Burnes going to be? When will David Rubenstein start writing checks? All in all, I remember someone saying every team is basically guaranteed to win 50 games and lose 50 games, it's what you do with the other 62 that matters. I think the Orioles can win 90+ games again this year but they need to be way more prepared for a stretch run than they were last year.	****
4		Rangers	+2	The Texas Rangers won a World Series. What a fun, but also factual, statement to say! The offense looks to be ready to go right from where they left off last year with power throughout the lineup. Wyatt Langford and Evan Carter will be competing for AL ROY this year. Pitching, like always, is going to be where games are won and lost. The starting rotation has some injuries to work through until deGram and Schrezer are back. The bullpen added some upgrades this offseason will still be a sticking point. Who gives a shit though, the Rangers are World Series Champions!	****
5		Yankees	+12	After an excellent opening weekend in which the Bombers swept the Astros on the road, it's hard to not get a little excited about this team. The starting rotation held it's own without Gerrit Cole, the bullpen was shutdown, allowing 0 runs in 14.1 IP, and Juan Soto has done exactly what he was brought on to do. These 4 games were certainly not without some drama, as the Yankees had to mount a comeback in the 6th inning or later in the first 3 games, and closed out the 4th by the skin of their teeth, but a 4-game sweep is a 4-game sweep.	****
6		Astros	+3	I'm not going to overreact to the first series of the season, but even without accounting for those games, the Astros should have more thoroughly addressed their middle relief options and starting pitching depth this offseason. It'll be fun (?) watching Joe Espada's first season as a manager, particularly as he's promised more aggression on the basepaths - which could, of course, result in more Altuve pickoffs than usual. It's hard not to wonder if the dynasty is coming to an end after this year, especially if/when Bregman leaves.	****
7		D-Backs	+6	The Snakes had a good start to the season, taking three of four from the Rockies at Chase. Opening Day was one for the history books, as they scored 14 runs in the third inning to set several club records. The starting pitching and defense looks great as expected, and the offense is doing its job, but the bullpen remains a question mark, especially with closer Paul Seawald sidelined for the foreseeable future. The D-backs now host the red-hot Yankees for a real test.	****
8		Rays	-4	"The Rays unceremoniously exited the playoffs last year, and enter this year in much the same way. The usual offseason story beats happened - trade away one of your best players, sign some guys nobody wanted, make some trades for guys only the biggest fantasy baseball degenerates care about, carefully review your b-roll to avoid using any footage featuring unsavory characters, et cetera. The Orioles remain the darlings of the division this year, the Yankees only traded for 1 surefire MVP candidate, the Blue Jays didn't but still made some big signings, and the Red Sox had a couple pints of Sam Adams while thinking about Mookie. Where does that leave the Rays? Exactly where they want to be, sneaking up to somehow beat your expectations once again. Spring is the time for new beginnings, and perhaps no team is as experienced and equipped to succeed after retooling yet again. The starting rotation looks uninspiring at first glance, but then you remember there's an entire rotation on IL, most of which will return at some point this season (RIP Shane pls recover quick). Everyone knows the bullpen will sort itself out, the Rays could probably get a few quality innings out of you or me. As far as the lineup goes, Amed Rosario and Richie Palacios will slide in for Manuel Margot to fill out the OF. The shortstop situation is surprisingly not terrible with Jose Caballero holding it down to start the season and Junior Caminero in AAA as the next hopeful star in the pipeline. Cornerstones Yandy and Randy will lead the way, and if Isaac Paredes can repeat his 2023 and Brandon Lowe returns to form there's some sneaky pop in the lineup. The lack of playoff performance since 2020 definitly weighs a bit heavy on Rays fans, and after the incident last year I think most are hoping for a likeable team that can challenge for the division. The back-and-forth series against the Blue Jays to open the season feels like it set the tone for the AL East this year - you either show up to each and every game or get left in the dust. Let's keep the 20's roaring and those flappers flapping, the water is as warm as ever."	****
9		Phillies	-1	The Phillies looked unstoppable after Game 2 of the NLCS, especially at home, but a shaky bullpen in Arizona and a cold offense back in Philly abruptly ended their season. They stuck to their guns in the offseason, maintaining the exact same lineup and bullpen while signing their long time ace Aaron Nola to a 7/172 contract. It's a risky deal, as Nola has been a beacon of inconsistency over the past few years, but he's key to the playoff formula that's gotten the Phillies past the Braves each of the past two years. Most analysts project more of the same for the Phillies in 2024 as they likely don't have the firepower to keep up with the Braves. Their best chance will be not starting the season slow (they started the past two seasons 21-29 and 25-32) and Trea Turner playing more like his second half self. Ultimately though, the goal will be to get into the Postseason by any means necessary and hope that Zack Wheeler, Aaron Nola, and Ranger Suarez can keep doing their thing.	****
10		Blue Jays	-3	What are the 2024 Toronto Blue Jays? A team that will see key players (Vladdy, Kirk, Varsho, Manoah) bounce back to expectations to finally make a run at the AL East title? Or another edition of a maddeningly inconsistent offense that fails to capitalize on solid pitching and scraps to stay in the Wild Card race? ONLY ZOLTAN KNOWS. This is supposed to be a preseason preview, but the split series at Tampa Bay showed both sides of the coin with two dominant wins (8-2, 9-2) filled with timely hitting with RISP and shut-down pitching, but also two losses (2-8, 1-5) where those same hitters kept finding fielders' gloves and early injuries in the bullpen tested the depth pieces. Regardless, the Jays should still field one of the best, deepest pitching staffs in baseball and are hoping a handful of new additions/callups (Turner, Clement, Schneider, IKF) will supplement a much improved offense. This feels like a big make or break year with some key pieces of the core on the verge of either proving they're worthy of big extensions or leaving as part of a rebuild. The AL is stacked (the East in particular), so they'll be tested early and often. With a first month that has TB, HOU, NYY, SEA, SD, and LAD on the schedule, we'll find out quickly whether this team is up to the test.	****
11		Mariners	-1	Hello /baseball my old friend, I've come to rank with you again. This year should be an exciting one in the AL West - the Mariners, Astros, and Rangers are all very close in my book, and I wouldn't be shocked by any final order of those three at the end of the season. The M's roster has had a lot of turnover this year due to Jerry Dipoto doing Jerry Dipoto things, and time will tell how fruitful those changes are. But most importantly, baseball is back!	****
12		Twins	-1	Heading into the season, Twins fans have lots of reasons to be optimistic. Lopez and Ryan are ready to headline another stellar rotation, this year including Chris Paddack as he returns from TJ, and Bailey Ober who looks ready to take the next step. The lineup is healthier than it has been in a long time, with Buxton's knee finally healed after a year of DH-ing and able to retake his CF postion, while Correa's plantar fasciitis has resolved and should give us another big bat. Unfortunately the electric Royce Lewis has already been injured, and hopes for him to headline a full season have been delayed for a month. The rest of the lineup is solid, with sophomores like hometown power hitter Matt Wallner and on-base machine Edouard Julien ready to follow up on a great 2023. The bullpen is a definite strength, and is constantly projected as one of the best in the majors. The AL Central has gotten slightly more competitive this year, but with no real weak points on our roster, projections have the Twins taking the division with one of the best records in baseball. It should be another fun summer of baseball in Minnesota!	****
13		Padres	+2	Rest in peace to Peter Seidler, who was the best owner in San Diego sports history. This year, the Padres don’t have a real tv deal, and wanted to avoid the luxury tax (and the repeater’s tax), so they had to cut some payroll, and avoid spending. Snell, our Cy Young winner from last year, is now on a division rival, and so is Bob Melvin. The best baseball player in the world now has the biggest contract in the baseball world, on our biggest rival. Oh, and Arizona was the one to actually make the World Series from the NL last year. While I don’t personally think A.J.Preller should still be the team’s GM, I will admit that the Soto trade for pitching depth was greatly needed, and we used a player in that deal to help us get Dylan Cease as well. Despite much of the above, I still find it hard to not be excited to watch a team that does have Ha Seung Kim, Manny, and Tatis on it though. It was a fun and unique start to enjoy passing out with the Padres playing at 4a.m. I do think that the Pads aren’t deep enough for a playoff run, and have the team finishing 77-85, but I hope I’m wrong.	****
14		Giants	+4	[San Francisco, CA, April 1st ] The Giants had one of the most exciting off-seasons in recent memory, constructing the best roster since Pandemic usually just meant a fun computer game. Fans eagerly await the debut of new-Giant Cy Young Winner Blake Snell (SOON / delayed by late signing), while also keeping an eye on not-quite-as-new Giant CYA Winner Robbie Ray (not soon / ASBish). Alex Cobb coming back from an injury this writer keeps forgetting about would reportedly also be cool. Meanwhile, Jung Hoo Lee (KBO Kiwoom Heroes) and Matt Chapman (AL Oakland Hero) hope to make immediate and always intense impact. With Lee locking down the lead off spot, the Giants complemented Chapman’s middle-of-the-order presence with Jorge Soler who projects to be the latest Giant to fall shy of 30 homeruns. Meanwhile in the B Plot, manager Gabe Kapler has been replaced with Bob Melvin who brings veteran leadership, an intangible only worth touting if your team makes the playoffs, and San Francisco said ‘goodbye’ to local legend Brandon Crawford which tragically reduced the number of Brandons on the team to zero. Did the Giants do enough to make the playoffs? In the Manfred era that answer is definitely ‘maybe’. In unrelated news, John Fisher can go--	****
15		Cubs	-3		****
16		Brewers	-11	The Brewers have seen sustained success for the first time in franchise history while signing almost exclusively one year contracts and trading away players in their arb years. This off season took this to the extreme, trading away Burnes and Houser while signing only a single large contract to Hoskins. Milwaukee has MLB-ready players headlining a top rated farm system that make them a likely competitor in future years, but whether or not this team is still playing meaningful baseball this September will likely come down to if the youngsters prove to be impact players right away.	****
17		Guardians	+3	Baseball and lists are two of my favorite things, so I'm glad this is back. I'm not sure what this season holds for the Guardians. We have a manager with no managerial experience and made no big offseason signings. I'd consider 500 a successful season, though I would like to shock the baseball world. Predicting Dodgers, Reds, Phillies, Rangers, Twins, and Orioles as division winners.	****
18		Reds	-2	Hey. Long time no see. It’s been a minute hasn’t it? How are you? How are things going? I want things to be different this year. I want change. I don’t want to do the same things over and over. I want to talk about baseball, I don’t want to talk about sad or unpleasant things again. It’s a new year, it’s a new me. The Reds are poised to make some gains, they added some depth, some of their best players are looking to keep going, we have a bunch of young talent and plenty of depth on the team ready to go aaaaaand it’s gone…….No, no. No, no no no no. Things were supposed to be different, they were supposed to change. Things were supposed to be different, they were supposed to be differentdkfmcbasedndjvbnaaafaaf avfojfnf;ojngerojerjofoejefonvenobef[nbb f[onbfeno	****
19		Mets	+4	Expectations are tempered for the Mets after a miserable 2023 campaign. Most projections have us hovering around .500, so it's easy to envision a variety of outcomes for the 2024 Mets - do we start hot and add pieces at the deadline? Do we start cold and sell guys like JD Martinez, our starters, maybe even Pete Alonso? Early storylines for the club will include how the patchwork rotation performs in the absence of Kodai Senga, the return of Edwin Diaz, Brett Baty's attempt to show he's the long-term answer at 3B, and how quickly JD Martinez can get to Flushing. My prediction - 84-78, narrowly miss the playoffs, but reason for optimism going into 2025.	****
20		Cardinals	+6	Super excited to be taking over as Covane retires. Big shoes to fill for me to fill. Cardinals have the injury bug early and nearly split the series with the Dodgers if it wasn't for some late game heroics (if that's what we want to call it). We'll see what the year holds as they get healthier, but for now the issues from last year seem to have survived the winter. Maybe Victor Scott II will save us all.	****
21		Red Sox	-2	Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to your ~2022~ ~2023~ 2024 BOSTON RED SOX!!!! It's happening again. I'm starting to go a bit crazy as a power ranker for this team. It's the same narrative! Bats good, prospects interesting, SP depth horrible. 78-84. We'll be so good next year if we just sign The Right Guy™. I bet we'll do a half buy/half sell during the trade deadline after surging to 56-52. Now, repeat after me: TANNER HOUCK IS A MLB STARTING PITCHER.	****
22		Tigers	+1	Fun little opening weekend of three one run wins over the hapless White Sox, but let's take a look at the bigger picture. Even with the loss of Eduardo Rodriguez, expect the pitching staff to be stronger and deeper than last year with a full season of Tarik Skubal, the return of an improved Casey Mize, and the additions of Jack Flaherty and Kenta Maeda (if Maeda can control the longball issue). The pen is lowkey nasty, especially Jason Foley's sinker. On the offensive side, Riley Greene is my pick to jump to All Star status, while Colt Keith, Kerry Carpenter, and Spencer Torkelson help lengthen the lineup. I'm looking for a top two ALC finish once again. This week: 3 at NYM, 3 vs. OAK.	****
23		Pirates	-2	For the first time in a very long time, the Pirates have not been eliminated from the playoff race on Opening Day -— although they are widely expected to finish last in a very winnable NL Central division with a mid-70s win total. The lineup should be solid, with Bryan Reynolds and Ke'Bryan Hayes backed up by some exciting young hitters in Oneil Cruz and Henry Davis. The reason for the pessimistic projections lies at the feet of the rotation; it just isn't very good, although help is on the way — most notably in the form of Paul Skenes. The Bucs also got a very good performance from Jared Jones in his debut on Saturday, and the Bucs took their first step toward beating the projections by sweeping a 4-game set to open 2024.	****
24		Marlins	-10	Well....bruce sherman pinched pennies this offseason and we did the bare minimum for adding arms and couldnt sign/trade for an impact bat. Biggest things im looking forward to this season is to see max meyer develop this season. Our offense might get on base a bit better this season but were likely still going to have issues getting runs across the plate. Due to injuries to starters were gonna have a rough start to the season. I'll be watching hopeful as always but unless we trade for a big bat this season were not likely going to finish with more than about 80-85 wins. Sherman is quickly running out of time to show marlins fans he aint loria 2.0. Either way, go fish!	****
25		Royals	+3	The Royals have drastically improved their pitching staff. They aer very clearly looking to contend this year. With a possible Cy Young candidate in Cole Ragans and a potential MVP candidate in Bobby Witt Jr., they may be better than expected. Have they done enough to contend? Well, the AL Central is weak...	****
26		Angels	-2	I was fairly tempted to copy/paste some previous week one power ranking blurbs for the Angels because I don't feel like all that much has changed. If you had gone into a coma eight years ago and woken up today, would you have really missed all that much with this team? Seasons change but the results have stayed the same to a remarkable degree. You'd think even just one of these years they would have found a way to luck into the playoffs if nothing else. Nevertheless, this season's arrangement of the Titanic's deck chairs features a visibly aging Mike Trout leading the way and a . . . surprisingly adequate cast of hitters? How healthy they remain with a highly suspect Angels medical team at the helm is a question with a consistently bleak answer, but on paper anyway, Trout and Ward are the anchors of this lineup. Buttressing them are also three young bats worth watching in Zach Neto, Nolan Schanuel, and Logan O'Hoppe—and whatever the hell Anthony Rendon and Aaron Hicks are at this point. Lest I be halfway mistaken for holding any optimism for this season, I am obligated to point out the abject disaster that is the pitching. There is not a single starter who profiles for a sub-4.00 ERA and the bullpen does not elicit much confidence either. Captain of the USS Dipship would be the Guy Who Had the Funny Line in Moneyball. Retread managers are not the best bets to make and Ron Washington batting Anthony Rendon 1st and Aaron Hicks 2nd probably gives the more discerning readers ample context for what to expect. If you’ve made it to this point and still somehow have hope this voyage will avoid and icy grave, just remember Arte Moreno looms, commanding full steam ahead!	****
27		Nationals	-2	To begin every season since the 2019 World Series, I have given the Nationals a pass. A 5-year window where I can't complain about wins/losses. This is the last year so there needs to be some big-time development. I expect the end of 2024's roster to look very different than the beginning and the Nats need to be competitive.	****
28		White Sox	-1	In the opener, the White Sox didn't get a runner past 1st base, they're now 0-3, and Eloy Jimenez lasted 3 games into the season before suffering his first injury. Basically everything is going as expected. I have no expectations for this team and my pulse of the fanbase is that we're all a bit numb. As far as I can remember, the last 8 years were the first full rebuild the Sox have gone through. In the past, they typically retooled each year and hoped for the best. It meant that fans did not have to sit through full tank seasons, but it also didn't garner any sustained success. What this rebuild amounted to was much worse. It led to 2 playoff appearances where the White Sox were bounced in the first round and then suffered a historically bad year last year where they lost 100+ games in what was supposed to be their window. Now, the Sox are presumably rebuilding again, but any optimism about the process is gone.	****
29		Rockies	0	It's going to be a long year. The Rockies lost a franchise record 103 game last year, and this year might be worse. There's some optimism to be had for '25 and beyond, but $3 beers on the Rooftop are about the only thing to look forward to in '24.	****
30		Athletics	0	I'm going to try my best and ignore the elephant in the room this season- no, I don't know where the A's will be playing next year. I don't think they know either. I hope the Oakland mayor gets recalled or the team just gets "stuck" in a temp home of Sacramento. On the field, they're very bad, but it no longer looks like the worst roster in the majors. Miller and Jimenez head up the back end of a bullpen with question marks in between. Noda, Ruiz, Gelof, Rooker, Langeliers, and even Nick Allen look like major league regulars, albiet not great ones. Watch for Bleday and JD Davis to anchor a true 95 wRC+ lineup as the team fights for 4th place in the division. Outside Blackburn I don't think any starter "looks good" but we'll see.	****

O Zeus, all-blessed, may thy wrath severe, hurled in the bosom of the deep appear, and on the tops of mountains be revealed, for thy strong arm is not from us concealed.

General Info:

• Current age: 16
  
• Birthday: December 25th 2022
  
• Full name: Gwendolyn Racquel Frost
  
• Aliases: Gwen
  
• Hometown: Patchogue, New York
  
• Demigod-Related Conundrums: ADHD, Dyslexia
  

Favorite Things:

• Foods: Junk food! Gwen is a big fan of grease and salt in her food, so when given the choice she definitely leans towards unhealthy foods.
  
• Drinks: Gwen is a big fan of energy drinks. Not for the caffeine, that doesn’t do much for her. She just likes the way they taste. She is desperately searching for something caffeine free that tastes just like Monster.
  
• Media: Gwen doesn’t love to admit it but she’s a big fan of anime. Especially battle-heavy shonen, like Jujutsu Kaisen. Though her all time favorite will always be cowboy bebop.
  

Family:

Member	Name	Age	Gwen’s Notes
Father	Zeus	N/A	“Never thought I’d figure out who this deadbeat was, and now that I have, it’s worse. I could never resent the guy before because Dad always talked about him like he was a total angel. I’d always assumed he was just some guy who didn’t know I existed. But now that I know he’s not only a god but the king I feel like he should have done more for us. He can control storms but couldn’t spare us any help? Rot in hell. Or Hades I guess.”
Father	Alexander Frost	45	“I have two fathers but only one dad. This is him. My dad is probably one of the kindest people I know. I’ve never gotten along with most people, so I think my dad has to be my best friend. Oh yeah, I should probably mention that he’s trans. That’s how this whole two dad’s thing happened.”

Powers :

Power	Category	Description
Travel of the Elder Gods	Elder God Domain	The ability to instantaneously travel across large or small distances (of up to several miles) by jumping into the element lorded over by the user's parent. The user can travel up to 50 miles (80.47 km) away once an hour (10 turns). The cooldown timer adds an additional hour every additional 50 miles (2 hours for 51, 3 hours for 61, etc.).
Superior Senses	Weather Domain	A trait where one has more acute and accurate senses, especially during turbulent weather. This does not mean they can see as far as children of Apollo, nor do they have the nose of a bloodhound.
Weather Inducement	Weather Domain	The ability to induce and clear thunderstorms. By default, the area of effect reaches 15 feet, up to 30 feet with concentration or increased effort.
Electrical Resistence	Minor	A trait where one is able to resist electricity to such a degree that the user can be struck by lightning and survive.
Electricity Manipulation	Minor	The ability to generate, control and manipulate electricity.
Superior Strength	Minor	A trait where one displays strength and stamina above the average level for half-bloods. The character is able to lift up to 400 lbs. (or 181.44 kg) and can punch through stone.
Lighting Dash	Major	This power allows Gwen to make short dashes. For the time of the dash, she turns to lightning and is unable to be hit. These dashes can take her up to ten feet in a straight line. She can only do this once every three turns.

Allies:

Name	Relationship	Age	Gwen’s Notes
Jack	“Only kid I got along with.”	“I thought he was 16 but he’s apparently way older.”	“I wouldn’t exactly call Jack a friend, but we sat next to each other in English class, and he’s one of the few people who didn’t hate me yet by the time I had to leave school. Though that was probably fueled by the fact he was there specifically to watch over me. So that feels great.”

Items and Equipment:

Type	Name	Age	Gwen’s Notes
Journal	Journal of Gwen Frost	2 Years	“Yes I journal. No you can’t read it. If you try, I’ll break your femur.”

Appearance:

Faceclaim	Voiceclaim	Height	Hair color	Eye color
Faceclaim	Emily Woo Zeller	5’5”	Blonde	Gold

Description: Though not especially tall, Gwen has an athletic build. With broad shoulders and strong legs, as well as her divine strength, she would make a convincing athlete. For style, Gwen tends to lean away from the feminine. With Flannels being a favorite of hers, and makeup almost never something she wears.

Recent History:

“Gwendolyn Frost, please report to the principal’s office. Gwendolyn Frost, please report to the principal’s office.” Came the buzzing female voice, over the intercom. Gwen was glad she wasn’t in class, or else everyone would be oo-ing at her, though her current situation wasn’t much better.
“Here, take this.” The school nurse said, handing her an ice pack which Gwen promptly pressed against her black eye.
The nurse was a kindly older lady, exactly the kind of person that one would expect a school nurse to be. But even through that perfect bedside manner, Gwen could detect the woman’s irritation. She honestly couldn’t blame her though, since the two other patients in the nurse's office were bearing wounds courtesy of herself. One boy even had a broken nose, which was bleeding like crazy.
Gwen shot them a smirk as she headed for the door. Even if she was going to be kicked out of another school, at least she embarrassed two losers on her way out. That only left one more problem: Jack.
As soon as she exited the nurse’s office she ran into the boy, which she should have expected. Jack and her weren’t friends. They didn’t particularly like each other, but they had settled into being sort of like allies. Partially this was because Jack wouldn’t leave her alone. The boy seemed unusually concerned about her safety for someone who claimed not to like her. Perhaps it was that thing where boys were mean to girls they liked. If that was the case, her getting kicked out might make things easier. Gwen didn’t relish the thought of breaking it to another clingy teenage boy that she was gay.
“You really shouldn’t have done that Gwen, you’re for sure expelled this time.” Jack scolded, seeming to struggle to keep pace with her due to his trotting walk. She knew he had some kind of motor function issues, but could never tell what. He walked a bit funny but it didn’t seem to ever impede him.
“Don’t mom me, dude. I knew what I was getting into.” She didn’t feel like justifying herself, those guys had riled her up. Gwen was sure that if she hadn’t thrown the first punch, they would have eventually. Either way, she’d end up expelled so why bother? Might as well win the fight.
Jack, of course, scowled at her, but he seemed far more nervous at the moment. “Look, just… Let me come with you to the principal’s office. Maybe I can tell him that they started it and you’ll be able to stay.”
Desperate to get her to stay. He was totally into her. This was for the best. “It wouldn’t matter, dude. Principal Myers has been waiting for the chance to expel me all year. I was in a fight, that’ll be enough for him.”
Jack began chewing on his lip, and Gwen could practically hear the gears turning in his head. When he finally opened his mouth to speak, Gwen took the ice pack away from her eye to give him her patented death glare. That shut him up pretty effectively. “I’ll be fine Jack, I hated it here anyways.”
The boy looked for a moment like he was going to protest, and for a second Gwen thought she caught something odd in his expression. Was that fear? She furrowed her eyebrows at the thought. What the hell would Jack have to be afraid of? She was the one in trouble after all.
Finally, he spoke, with a heavy sigh, “Fine. But I’m not going back to class until I know if you will be too.” For once, Jack had a firm look in his eyes. Gwen would typically have argued with him on this point, but why should she? Who was the girl who constantly picked fights to tell this boy not to skip class? She simply gave him a shrug and put the ice pack back on her eye.
Leaving Jack behind to lean on a wall, Gwen pulled open the door and stepped into the office. The lady at the desk gave her a sickly sweet smile as she pointed her towards Principal Myers’ office. When she entered the room, she found the man sitting at the desk with his hands steeped in front of his face, covering his mouth. The Principal was an older man in his fifties. Most people, if they just saw his bald head, would think he’d be skinny from how reedy his face looked. However, his shoulders were broad and strong. It created an odd effect. Where his head looked like it didn’t truly belong on his body.
“Ms. Frost, I heard you got in a fight.” The Principal said, staring blankly forward at her. He must have been holding his hands too close to his face since his voice was a bit muffled. It was a habit of his, she supposed. Whenever she came to the principal’s office he was always sat just like this, and his face was always still. Supposedly his face was mostly paralysed, though that didn’t make his unblinking gaze any less unsettling.
Gwen fell into the chair across from the Principal, meeting his eyes to show him she wasn’t afraid. “Yeah, I did. Do I get to go home right now, or am I not expelled until end of the day?”
Unexpectedly, the principal chuckled. His face still remained still, eyes not moving in the slightest, but she could see his body moving with the laugh so clearly he wasn’t just some overly realistic doll. “Oh, Ms. Frost, you won’t be expelled just yet don’t worry. You’re going to stay here in my office for now.”
She frowned at that. Why wasn’t he just sending her off? And why make her wait here? She was about to protest when the phone on his desk rang. The principal lowered one hand to turn it on speaker but kept his mouth covered with the other.
The front desk lady spoke through it, “Principal Myers, a few of the custodians are here. They say you wanted to see them.”
“Yes Mrs. Lewis, send them in.”
“Very well, Principa- Hey!”
Suddenly there was a crashing noise as if someone had knocked over a filing cabinet and the sound of the phone being dropped. The receptionist, Mrs. Lewis, was yelling at someone but Gwen couldn’t make it out. Suddenly, Jack of all people burst through the door, looking terrified.
“Gwen! We have to get out of here!” He shouted, shooting a wary look at the principal, who stood from his seat in outrage that was obvious despite the frozen face.
“You meddling little goat! I should have skinned you months ago!” The principal shouted, his words like venom. It was the first time Gwen had seen him speak without his mouth covered.
And it didn’t move.
The principal’s face stayed frozen as ever even as he spoke. Not a single muscle above his shoulders moved. The principal reached towards his chest and ripped open his shirt, and Gwen watched in horror as his head fell to the desk.
It was a fake. The principal never moved his face because it had been a dummy. And with his chest visible, Gwen saw why. The skin where his neck should be was smooth, the body simply ending right there. Instead, his face was on his chest, and it looked absolutely furious, “GET THEM!” he bellowed.
Gwen didn’t think about it. She ran.
With Jack by her side, she scrambled out of the principal’s office, pushing anything and anyone, that impeded her, out of the way. As they reached the double doors leading into the school's hall, they found it blocked. A group of six men dressed like custodians, stood in their way, but of course, they weren’t normal men. Like the principal, they had no heads and their work clothes were torn open to reveal the faces on their chests. At their feet was a discarded pile of false heads. This group, however, was armed with short, wooden cudgels.
Jack skidded to a stop in front of her, turning sharply down one of the offshooting hallways in the office. The place was like a maze, but Jack seemed familiar enough as he shouted back at Gwen “This way! We can cut through the conference rooms!”
Gwen wasn’t in the mood to question the boy, so she followed, the worn-down soles of her Converse slipping on the linoleum. They rushed past a dozen little offices that Gwen never knew existed, all the while she could hear the chest-faces stomping after them.
Jack was muttering to himself quietly, despite the exertion of their run, “How did I not smell the others? Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
“What the hell are those?” Gwen shouted as they skidded into a conference room. She threw the door shut behind her and pushed the long table up against it for good measure, it slid easily on the smooth floors.
“We call them headless,” Jack said, heaving from the exertion as he checked out the other door of the conference room, “We’re clear. The schoolyard exit shouldn’t be too far.”
Without any further explanation, Jack started running again, and as the blocked door began to rattle, Gwen had no choice except to follow. “I was being rhetorical! How do you know this?”
Jack didn’t answer this time, he just kept on running, until he skidded to a stop only a few yards from the exit, Gwen wondered why but then noticed that the Principal stood there, a wild grin on his strange face.
“You’re not the only one who considered points of exit Satyr! Leave the child of Zeus to me and I’ll-”
Though it was pretty strange that this thing knew her other dad’s name, Gwen hadn’t stopped running like Jack had. Why should she? It was only one man after all. Instead, she ran past the boy and slammed her fist into the principal’s chest. It bit her fist.
Gwen let out a cry of pain as the mouth on the principal’s exposed chest drew blood, but the bite was no defense. He was still slammed into the door when her fist hit him. And due to his strange shape that was like slamming the back of your head against solid metal. The principal was left dazed, giving Jack and Gwen ample time to exit into the schoolyard.
The rain poured down of the pair, and fog made it hard to see far, but Gwen felt even more aware now, the weather bringing on a strange clarity.
Jack laughed as they ran towards the edge of the yard, where the gate, the fence was not the type easily climbed. “Nice hit! You’re gonna do great at camp.”
Gwen looked at the boy with pure confusion. She couldn’t comprehend what was going on in the slightest, and everything Jack said just confused her more. She was about to question him more, until she heard the door swing open behind her. The principal was following, though missing a few teeth, and so was his entourage of Headless custodians.
Gwen turned forward again, running faster towards the gate. Then she saw,, through the mist, their fatal mistake: There were more Headless waiting.
Perhaps if they’d taken a longer exit, one the principal hadn’t scoped out as the obvious choice they would have made it. Unfortunately, Jack's plan had been solidly anticipated, and they were thoroughly outnumbered.
But they didn’t stop. They couldn’t stop. They had to find some way through. As Gwen wracked her brain for a solution, she noticed Jack kicking off his shoes. There were hooves underneath. Gwen tried her best to ignore it, because if she thought too hard on all this crazy stuff she was sure she’d trip.
In awe she watched as Jack reached the fence, leaped so high that he landed atop the Headless, then jumped again, grabbing onto the gate and somehow managing to scale the slippery metal poles.
Gwen had to try that. Maybe she could make it too? She charged forward, trying to leap like Jack did, but though she had the power she lacked his Grace, she slammed bodily into the Headless. It knocked him over, but there was another one there to grab her.
She thrashed, kicking and screaming for them to let her go, and though she was definitely doing damage it was no use. Both of them had a grip on her now and she could hardly move. The rest of the group approached, and she could hear Jack screaming something, but she didn’t hear him.
All she could hear was the pounding in her head. It was surely just her eye throbbing again or her head hammering in her chest, but it sounded like thunder. There was a flash as the storm picked up around her, and then a true thunderclap sounded. She winced at the volume, but even that didn’t take her attention. She was focused on one thing, though she could explain why, and the moment seemed to slow to a crawl.
Her eyes focused on a point above the gate, and she thought that if only she could have made it there she would be free. Something inside her responded to that thought, and it felt like she dissipated into nothing. There was a flash of light and suddenly she was no longer in the arms of two Headless. Instead, she was in the air, right where she’d been focusing. Of course, she couldn’t stay there floating in the air, so she immediately fell. First, she hit the fence and for a paralyzing moment she thought she would fall right back to the waiting Headless, but fortunately, she was wrong. Gwen slammed to the ground on the other side of the gate.
Pain flared all over, especially in her arm though it likely wasn’t anything more than bruised. Gwen wanted to lay there for a moment, but Jack tugged at her. “We have to get to your house Gwen, your dad will get us to safety.”
She let out a groan, but after glancing back to the gate, which the Headless were unlocking so they could pass, she scrambled to her feet despite the pain. Together, she and Jack disappeared into the storm.
Two hours later, only slightly less soaked, Gwen sat in the back of her dad’s car next to Jack. They were almost to camp now, and most of the drive from Patchogue to Montauk had passed in silence. Everything Gwen said, since getting to her dad and learning the truth had been dripping with rage.
She was a Half-Blood. The man who was her other father, the man named Zeus, was no man at all. He was a god. Some people might find this exhilarating, to know they were the child of a being of such immense power. She was essentially a superhero.
However, Gwen found no joy in the idea. It made her furious. Her father had been out there this whole time, and on top of that, he was an immortal being with infinite power. But he let them suffer. For years they lived paycheck to paycheck, and the father of the gods could spare no money. So many nights Gwen had been the only one to stave off her real dad’s crushing loneliness, and the lord of the heavens could lend no company.
Gwen had always been fine with one dad in her life. She had accepted that these things happen, that likely the man simply didn’t know she existed. Afterall, her dad had said they’d only spent about a week together. He couldn’t have known that Gwen’s dad had been pregnant.
But that was when she thought he was just a man.
Gwen was pulled from her thoughts by Jack’s voice, “We’re almost there Gwen, I should let you know before we arrive that-”
Gwen cut him off, “So now you’re forthcoming with information? Thanks, really reassures me about the months you spent lying to me.”
Jack seemed to wilt under her rebuke. Usually she would have felt bad. Jack wasn’t a friend, but he didn’t deserve such treatment. But she wasn’t thinking straight. There was too much in her head, too many feelings, and when her emotions clashed, her anger tended to consume them all.
Gwen saw her father glare at her in the rear-view mirror. He had forced Gwen to sit back here with Jack in the hopes they could talk this out. “Please, G, he’s just trying to be helpful.”
Gwen remained silent. She knew that if she spoke, she would snap at her father too. Her anger didn’t just extend to Jack. Afterall, her father had hidden the truth from her as well. She couldn’t bring herself to resent him for it, she loved her dad more than anyone in the world, but she couldn’t figure out how to tell him how much it hurt without yelling at him. So she simply said nothing, it would be better for everyone that way.
After a few more minutes of Silence, they pulled up a seemingly insignificant hill, and Alexander brought the car to a stop. Jack seemed eager to hop out, though rain fell on him as he did. Gwen’s father had an umbrella which he held out for Gwen as she got out of the car.
“That tree,” Jack said, pointing at the tall pine atop the hill, “Is where camp begins, you won’t be able to pass there Mr. Frost.”
“So this is where I leave you then I suppose.” Alexander put a smile on his face, but Gwen could tell it was forced.
Jack, wisely, moved towards the camp border at that moment, letting the family have a moment alone together to say goodbye.
Alexander was a few inches shorter than Gwen, so her father had to reach up to place a hand on her cheek. “I know you’re mad at me Gwen. I know the why won’t help. Just…” He paused for a moment, and Gwen wasn’t sure whether her father was considering his next words, or choked by emotion. There were tears in his eyes now.
Gwen interrupted before he could say anymore. “I know, dad.” Her voice was quiet, “I…”
At that moment, despite the way they both felt, Alexander laughed. “Looks like we’re both a little lost for words, huh?”
This time, the smile was real, and Gwen couldn’t help but smile a bit in return. “Runs in the family I guess.”
Alexander smiled sadly at his daughter, then pulled her into a hug. Gwen paused a moment before returning his embrace. “You can do this G.”
Gwen tried to choke back a sob. It was all too much. She knew it wouldn’t be goodbye forever, but something about this felt permanent. That this would be the start of something new and terrifying. She couldn’t hold herself back, and neither could her father.
Together, they cried.
After few moments, Alexander pulled away then gently kissed Gwen on the forehead. “Call me when- if you can, okay?”
“I will Dad, I love you.” Her voice still choked with emotion.
Alexander smiled at her gently, “I love you too, G.”
They finally pulled away, and Gwen hefted her duffle bag over one shoulder. Accepting the umbrella from her father, though she was already soaked.
With one more look at her father, she walked toward her new life.
Some time later, Gwen and Jack emerged from the big house. Thanks to the camp’s borders, they were finally free of the rain but Gwen was still thoroughly soaked through and dying for a change of clothes. She tried to focus on that desire, instead of her urge to pulverize the next person who spoke to her.
When she said goodbye to her father, she had almost been able to forget her anger at this situation, but after her little orientation it had come back. Getting a better picture of what her life would be like from now on had horrified her.
This wasn’t just some safe haven, it was a training camp for the hell that her life would be. She’d have to learn to fight and kill monsters just so she could survive. And having Zeus for a father painted an even bigger target on her back.
As had happened many times today, her thoughts were interrupted by Jack speaking up.
He was leading her towards the Zeus cabin, though it would have been easy to find on her own. She had hoped they could just proceed in silence but clearly Jack didn’t feel the same.
“Gwen I… I want to say sorry. I know I lied to you, but it was for your safety. If I’d told you sooner-”
Maybe she was genuinely angry at Jack for what he’d hidden, or maybe she wanted someone to lash out at and release the rage that had been building for hours. Her father being there had held her back but now Gwen exploded.
“ENOUGH!” She shouted, the wind rippling her clothes. “I don’t care why, Jack! I really don’t! You can explain it all you want, but it won’t change the fact you were lying to me. I know we weren’t friends or anything, but I at least thought we got along. But of course we didn’t. You couldn’t tolerate me either like everyone else at that fucking school.” It began to drizzle on the both of them, Gwen didn’t consider that no natural weather should be able to pass the barrier. She was too angry to think of it.
Jack recoiled at Gwen’s words, and warily looked up at the clouds gathering about Gwen. The daughter of Zeus kept on going.
“You can go back to whatever you did before. Go find your friends or whatever. Just leave me alone.”
For a few tense moments they stared at each other, and the Satyr’s face contorted with rage. Gwen was almost excited. She wanted to him to get angry, she wanted him to hit her so she could hit back. Release all this anger somehow. But just as quick as the rage built, it died. Jack deflated, his face defeated. He reached into his pocket, pulling out that strange food. Ambrosia, she thought it was called.
“Fine,” Jack said, his tone gone cold. “Just take this. You don’t have to be walking around all beat up.”
That, more than anything Jack could have said, hit Gwen hard. Despite how poorly she’d been treating Jack since they’d escaped the school, he still offered help. The storm gathering around Gwen began to lapse. She was wrong to lash out at him, she knew that. She wanted desperately to accept his help. But her pride wouldn’t allow her.
“No.” That was all she said, as the storm around her disappeared.
They walked the rest of the way in silence. Both of them facing directly forward at the gaudy cabin atop a hill. When they reached the foot of the staircase leading up. Jack turned to Gwen. They shared a look in silence for a moment, then Jack walked away.
Alone now, Gwen trudged up the stairs, feet and heart suddenly heavy. The doors swung open as she reached them, and she stepped inside.
The first thing she noticed upon entering the grandiose common room of the Zeus cabin was the statue at the center. She’d never seen him before, of course, but she knew it was her father immediately. She sneered. It felt like some kind of cruel joke that every day she’d have to stare at this bastard. A part of her wanted to find something big and heavy to throw at it, knock it down as her father rightly deserved. But apparently the gods could see such things, and she knew she couldn’t invoke Zeus’s wrath. So she turned away and looked for an open room.
It was kind of terrifying to realize that some of them were already occupied. She had siblings now. Brothers, apparently. That idea would be another she would be forced to get used to.
Finally, she chose an empty room and shut the door behind her. Setting her things down, she began to peel off the soaked clothes. Her flannel had been torn up a bit in the escape so that was garbage, but she’d packed more than a few extras.
She looked at the orange camp tee she’d been given, ultimately deciding to wear it.
Might as well try and fit in.

Now:

Everything Ached.
Despite the insistence of Jack and Chiron, Gwen had refused the strange substance that would supposedly heal her. So, as she emerged from her new room in the Zeus cabin, she could feel all the injuries of the day throbbing. Most of them were covered by her fresh change of clothes, but the black eye and bite mark on her hand would not be so easily hidden. She didn’t mind too much.
If anything, the pain from her scrapes and bruises helped distract her from her rage. It was like a storm in her chest that refused to part. Everything that had happened, everything she learned, it all had just made her angrier. She wanted to explode, to lash out, hit something, hurt somebody. But she knew she couldn’t. There was no getting expelled from Camp Half-Blood. She surely could if she tried, but then what? She’d be stuck out in the world with monsters, who would probably kill her within the week. No, she couldn’t leave, not truly.
It made her even angrier.
Perhaps getting some fresh air would calm her down.
OOC: Sorry for the long read y’all! Feel free to meet Gwen anywhere as she explores the camp.

Hiding in plain sight. I never paid much attention to that phrase before I started my new job.
‘Wanted: nighttime security guard’
That’s all the ad said, along with a phone number.
The town I live in isn’t very big, barely a dot on the map on the way to somewhere else. But for whatever reason we have a museum. I have no idea how it’s still in business. I can’t recall ever seeing a single person walk through their doors. But when I called the number the man who answered told me to come to this address this evening for my interview.
He seemed a little over-excited that I had answered the ad. When I asked him about the job, he said, “Oh, you know, the usual thing for a security guard.”
I’ve read some pretty unusual things about security guards in subreddits. But I’m sure those stories are made up.
Walking up the wide stone steps built to accommodate crowds of people was a little intimidating and creepy with no one for company besides the glowing lamps mounted on the sides of the railings. The whole thing gave off a very dystopian/ghost town/zombie apocalypse vibe. I guess the stone gargoyles staring down at me didn’t help much. I gazed into their eyes, half expecting them to jump down and carry me off to be sacrificed to Gozer.
If I hadn’t already discussed my hourly wage, I would’ve turned and high-tailed it home. But the wage was more than acceptable for a security guard. It was downright generous. I was wondering why he would pay so much, but walking up those desolate stairs gave me a clue.
Nobody wanted to go near this place. The word ‘haunted’ had been mentioned more than once.
Looking up at the front of the building the sporadic lights made shadows fall all around and gave it an intimidating presence.
I paused at the top of the stairs, thinking about every horror movie I’ve ever seen. There’s always that one moment where the characters could turn back and live another day, but they never do.
The wind whipped up, blowing against me, threatening to push me back down the stairs, almost as if warning me not to go inside. For a moment, I considered heeding the warning and climbing back down the stairs.
Knowing that my rent and car payment were due made me re-evaluate that decision.
I stepped up and opened the door, wondering if I would ever come out.
Fully expecting the door to creak on its hinges, I was pleasantly surprised when it opened silently and with little effort, despite feeling quite heavy.
The ornate decorations and beautiful décor took my breath away. I wasn’t sure what I expected, but I found myself regretting that this was the first time I had ever visited this museum.
I hadn’t made it two steps until an elegantly dressed man appeared and smiled at me. He didn’t so much as walk up to me, rather he glided, showing an air of dignity bordering on royalty.
“Mr. Whelton, I presume,” he said, wearing a warm smile.
“Yes, sir,” I said offering my hand.
He glanced at it with an amused look.
“Right, then, follow me and I’ll show you your duties,” he said turning on his heels and gliding away.
I pretended to smooth my hair as I followed, feeling like an idiot for offering my hand.
He glided past several works of art, toward a small desk.
“Right then,” he said. “You’ll be in charge of checking the doors so nothing gets in,” he paused. “Or out.”
“You mean stolen?” I said.
“Yes,” he said slowly. “Stolen.”
“So, I got the job?”
He stared at me blankly.
“Did you show up?”
I nodded.
“You got the job.”
“Do I need a uniform or anything?”
“Let’s see how your first night goes,” he said. “There’s a set of rules on the paper on your desk, please adhere to them. You must do at least one round per night through every room and check every door.”
“One round? That’s it?”
“This place is rather large and… challenging.”
I looked around with a hint of hesitation. Maybe there was a reason why it paid so much.
He smiled.
“If you have any problems, just call the number on the paper.”
“That’s it?”
“I believe so. I’ll lock the door on my way out and unlock it again at nine o’clock on my way back in.”
I stepped over to the desk and began reading the paper.
“What does this mean?” I said turning around, but he was gone.
“Hello?” I called but only my voice echoed back to me.
I looked at the puzzling paper again and read the rules.
‘rule number one: There are no rules.’
‘rule number two: tHere arE no rules.’
“What is this, fight club?” I said to myself.
‘everY time you bReak a rulE, return to rule number one.’
“Wait a minute, how can I break a rule when there are no rules?”
‘rule number three: hoW you follow the rules is As imporTant as why you follow the rules.’
“That made no sense at all.”
‘rule number four: if you are CaugHt breakING the rules, the penalties may be severe.’
“Ok, there’s something wrong here. This is just talking in circles.”
I read back over the rules and they looked strange. More than just the strangeness of the rules/non rules themselves, it was the way they were written. I went back and looked at each letter. Then I paid attention to the letters that were capitalized. It looked like some hidden message.
‘THEYRE WATCHING.’
I hesitated.
“Who’s watching?”
I decided to keep reading in hopes that this would begin to make some sense.
‘rule number five: DO NoT, under any circumstances, Make nOise eVery timE you do a round.’
Message received. ‘DONT MOVE.’
I stood there, immobile, wondering how long I was meant to play this game and if someone would come by and tag me to unfreeze me and allow me to start my round.
As I waited, chuckling to myself at the ludicrousness of this insane game of freeze tag, I felt the air grow cold. Clouds chugged out of my mouth like an old steamtrain as I fought the urge to rub my arms.
A chill that had little to do with the sudden temperature drop ran down my spine as I felt a presence in the room. It crept up behind me, silent as the grave. I could feel its hot breath wash over me as it sniffed.
Instead of enjoying the sudden warmth, my temperature plummeted. My heart hammered in my chest. It was all I could do to keep from running away in sheer terror.
As it passed by, I was overwhelmed by the stench of death. This thing was every nightmare I’ve ever had, personified. I refused to open my eyes and see its hideous form for fear of passing out. Instead, I focused on imitating a statue. Which was nearly impossible with my freezing body aching to shiver in frozen dread.
The nameless terror passed to the far side of the room, taking some of the cold with it, and then as suddenly as it came, it was gone.
The room returned to normal temperature, but I waited a few moments before moving, just to be sure.
Once I felt it was safe, I nearly collapsed to the floor in relief. After giving myself a moment to recover, I glanced at the paper with a newfound fear. Was this a harbinger of doom or a warning label meant to keep me safe?
Unsure if I wanted to read the rest, I took a moment to re-evaluate my current career choice. Could I just walk out and say I quit?
After a brief internal debate, I decided it wasn’t worth the money if I was about to be dragged through a portal to hell.
Just a short time ago, I would’ve considered that thought laughably ludicrous, but it was seeming more plausible by the moment.
I started toward the exit door with every intention of calling and telling my boss I wouldn’t be finishing the shift. Unfortunately, the door had other plans.
When I pushed on the crash bar, nothing happened. I tried turning the deadbolt, but it refused to move. After a few minutes of futility, I gave up, frustrated and determined to just sit in this room until morning came around.
Sitting at the desk, I spun around in the chair, waiting for the next nine hours and thirteen minutes to pass quickly. Five minutes later, out of sheer boredom, I glanced at the paper.
‘rule number Six: yoU Can’t just sit at the desK and waIT for the door to open UPon the ending of your shift.’
‘SUCK IT UP.’
“Are you serious?” I said in frustration. “Someone thinks they’re funny, huh?”
Glancing back at the paper, below rule six, was three letters. ‘yes’.
I backed away and got up to do my round, if nothing else to get away from this all-seeing sheet of paper that I had grown afraid to look at.
Hesitating, I reached for the door to the room where the nightmare had disappeared.
Glancing up, I saw a slip of paper taped to the door. It said, ‘The only way out is through.’
Sighing heavily, my trembling hand turned the knob and slowly opened the door. As I closed it, on the other side was another slip of paper, this one said, ‘Avoid eye contact and you’ll be fine.’
Confused by the cryptic statement, I turned and realized what it meant.
The room was full of stuffed creatures of many shapes and sizes. Most of them seemed to be mythical in nature of the cryptid variety. There was a bigfoot, skinwalker, dogman, jersey devil, wendigo, and many others. As my eyes scanned the room I noticed movement.
It wasn’t much, but it was enough. The skinwalker turned its head, just slightly to look right at me. I quickly darted my eyes away in fear and disbelief when the dogman turned its head to stare at me.
As panic coursed through my veins, I turned to go back through the door, remembering what the piece of paper on both sides of the door said.
‘The only way out is through’, and ‘Avoid eye contact and you’ll be fine’.
I felt the last statement was akin to saying, ‘If you hold on tight enough on a roller coaster, you won’t need the safety harness.’
Aiming my eyes at the floor, I turned and started toward the far side of the room.
I hoped that all they would do was watch. That hope was dashed. I heard growls and footsteps from all around the room. Hesitating, I wondered if I would need a clean pair of pants by the time I reached the far side, that is, if I survived.
The sounds of footsteps grew louder behind me when suddenly, there was a pair of hairy legs blocking my path. I stopped as a low growl made the air vibrate.
“Oh dear God,” I whispered, knowing that my life was about to end horribly and painfully.
Fighting the urge to look up, I sidestepped and went around the legs, hoping to pass unnoticed.
I counted my footsteps, hoping each one wouldn’t be my last.
Silently praying, I continued toward the door with my eyes aimed down, watching nothing more than my feet. It seemed like the longest walk of my life listening to the mythical creatures behind me come to life and sounding every bit like they were following me, just waiting for the right moment to grab me and turn me into a late-night snack.
It came as a surprise when I bumped my head into the far wall.
Shocked not only that I had made it, but that I had missed the door, I glanced over and found my glorious escape route.
As I opened the door, I accidentally glanced back into the room and made eye contact with the Wendigo. Its roar of rage is something I’ll never forget.
It charged at me with blinding speed and claws unsheathed, fangs ready to tear me to shreds as I dove through the door in the nick of time, slamming it behind me.
The impact on the other side of the wall made dust settle to the floor, causing me to sneeze.
I stood and saw another piece of paper taped to the door.
‘Whatever you do, don’t make a sound,’ it said.
As I was about to make a comment about it being too late, a giant set of fangs flew at me from the semi-darkness. Attached to them was the biggest snake I’d ever seen or heard of.
It shook off the impact with the door as my legs took over and sprinted for the far side of the room. The dim lighting made it impossible to see the far door as well as rocks and other obstacles littering the floor as I made my desperate dash to safety.
I swear the rock that tripped me moved into my path on its own.
Instead of a death sentence, it saved my life as the snake flew over my prone body, having tracked me down. Had I not tripped, its massive fangs would’ve gone straight through me.
Not waiting around to celebrate my accidental good fortune, I jumped up and raced toward the door again. It was now within sight, but so was the snake. It had recovered and was coiling for another strike.
Running around a large boulder to make myself a harder target, I aimed for a spot five feet from the door. When I was almost to the door, I dove just as the snake passed over me, slamming into the wall as I jumped up and opened the door.
Closing the door behind me, I took a moment to catch my breath and think about asking a lot more questions when I interview for my next job.
I tried to open my eyes but realized they were already open. The room was engulfed in total darkness. Pulling out my flashlight, I shone it around, but couldn’t see anything aside from the door and the floor in front of me. There was no sign of anything in the room, not even a ceiling. It was as if the darkness sucked the light into itself, never to escape.
Being robbed of sight, I relied on hearing. Taking a long listen, I waited to hear any growls or slithers, anything to give me a hint of what I might have to deal with, but there was nothing, only soul crushing silence.
Having scanned the room the best I could, I set out to find the far door. Nothing seemed strange. Even the echo sounded like a normal large room, it was just devoid of light.
The normalness of it terrified me.
All I could find out of place was a slight scent of disinfectant. I wasn’t sure if that was because whatever horrible creature that called this room its home had killed people here and they wanted to cover the smell, or if the creature itself had passed away, leaving some poor janitor to clean up the mess.
In either case, I was on full alert.
They say that when one of your senses falters, the others become more acute to make up for it. The same thing was happening with my paranoia.
I imagined shadows moving around in the total pitch of darkness. My steps were small and slow as my arms waved in front of me acting as my eyes, searching for any obstacles.
It took what seemed like an eternity to get to the far side walking so slow. I guess that’s the price of being careful.
As I approached the wall, the flashlight and vision became useful once again. I must’ve gotten off track as I walked because the door was far off to the side. I had to walk a good fifty feet along the wall to find it.
When I opened the door, I was greeted by a horrible sight. The snake was coiled up in front of it. I quickly shut the door as it prepared to strike.
Why would they have two snake rooms?
But then why wasn’t much of a relevant question in this place.
My mind came up with a terrible answer. It wasn’t a second snake; it was the same one. I must’ve gotten turned around in the darkness and done a circle.
As my brain had a go-around with denial, I tried to figure out a way to get across this room without unintentionally doubling back. Keeping in mind that even though I had yet to see or hear anything in this room, didn’t mean it wasn’t there.
Searching for any ideas, I looked down at my flashlight, then squared my shoulders against the wall to regain my bearings, and tossed the flashlight straight in front of me. It landed with a loud clatter then rolled around in a playful circle before coming to rest.
If there was anything in the room, most likely I’d just woken it up and showed it exactly where I was.
I stood still and listened.
After a few minutes, I didn’t hear any movement. It seemed safe to walk to my flashlight, pick it up, and toss it another fifteen feet, hopefully in a straight line.
I did this the whole way across the room, still listening for sounds, but becoming more confident with each step that I wouldn’t hear any.
The door was just a few feet to the side of where I’d aimed. Somehow, I’d gone in a straight line.
Grabbing the doorknob, I slowly turned it so as not to alert the snake if by some trick I ended up back in that room.
But there was no trick and no snake. The door opened to blinding light. I covered my eyes to give them time to adjust.
Once they had acclimated, I looked around at a beautiful room full of clouds. There were even clouds on the floor. It was disconcerting at first and almost made me lose my balance because they were so well painted that it literally looked like I was walking on clouds.
I took a tentative step into the room, making sure that it was an illusion and I wasn’t about to fall thousands of feet to my death.
Holding my breath, I stepped onto the first cloud and let go of the door frame. It was firm like a floor should be. My second and third steps were more confident as I realized how effective the illusion was.
Once I acclimated, walking on clouds was fun. This was turning out to be the easiest room I’d been in so far.
That’s when I heard the scream.
It was deafening and seemed to come from everywhere at once. I dove to the floor only to realize there was nowhere to hide from whatever it was. I stood out like a sore thumb against the blue sky and white fluffy clouds painted on every surface of the room.
The scream sounded again, and I began to run, having no idea which way I was going or where the screaming was coming from. For all I knew, I was running toward whatever it was. I just knew it didn’t sound human, and I had no desire to find out what it was.
Soon the choice was taken out of my hands. I saw a dark spot appear against the clouds that quickly became larger. It was almost on me when I dove to the floor, feeling something sharp rake my back.
Pain shot through me as I reached around and found the back of my shirt in shreds. Not only that but my hand was covered in blood. Whatever it was had sliced my back open and I was bleeding.
Adrenaline kicked in and I ran faster than I ever have. The problem was, I didn’t know where I was running to or what I was running from. I was just running.
I heard wings flapping and I looked back just in time to see the largest bird of prey I’ve ever seen. It looked like a golden eagle, only the thing was massive. The wingspan was easily twenty feet.
As I was running, I turned to get a closer look at this thing at the same time I was trying to get away from it. My feet got tangled up and I fell backward just as the razor-sharp talons passed over mere inches away from my face.
I jumped up and started running again. As I glanced back to find my attacker I was met with the strangest sight. There was a smear of blood on the floor where I had just been lying. It looked like someone had wiped blood on a cloud.
The wings flapped again. I knew it was close. I had run out of luck. It would be ready for anything this time. Its razor-sharp talons would rip me to pieces, there was no doubt about it. There was only one option. I jumped and whipped around in midair, throwing my flashlight as hard as I could. It connected with its head that was mere feet away.
It screamed and dove off to the side, impacting with the floor so hard I felt the vibration, and landing in a heap.
I didn’t stop to check on it. The door loomed ahead of me, and I pushed myself for every ounce of speed my body could muster.
Turning the knob and opening the door in one smooth motion, I dove through and slammed it shut.
Laying on the floor, breathing hard, trying to catch my breath, I knew I was a sitting duck for whatever monster lurked in this room.
I rolled over to get in some defensive position for whatever was about to attack when I saw I was back in the main hall. I had somehow survived my first, and as far as I was concerned, last, round.
I stumbled my way to the restroom, in the back of my mind wondering what kind of insanity I would find in there.
Would I have to crawl through the mirror into another dimension to get a roll of toilet paper?
Fortunately, the restroom held no surprises. I took off my destroyed shirt and ran water over it to clean up my back as best I could. When I was done, I put some paper towels on the wound and put my jacket on top of it.
The desk and chair were where I spent the rest of the night. Surprisingly, it had taken me almost an hour to complete the round. As I sat there, pondering if I could survive another night at this job, I saw a dark spot form on the wall and detach itself only to float over toward me.
I closed my eyes and sat perfectly still, ignoring the sudden drop in temperature. The stench of death surrounded me, but I refused to move. For a moment I thought I heard a sound like sniffing, and then it seemed to diminish. Once the temperature rose again, I opened my eyes, and the apparition was gone.
As bored as I was for the next few hours, I wasn’t tempted to do another round, not even in the slightest.
When nine o’clock rolled around, the boss/curator appeared and glided over to me wearing a little grin.
“I see you managed to make it through,” he said. “Congratulations, you’re the first one in some time.”
“The first one to make it through a single round?”
He nodded.
“How many others have there been?” I said with a haunted look in my eyes.
He shook his head.
“Let’s not worry about that shall we?” he said. “Here is the amount we agreed upon.”
He handed me a stack of bills and I gladly took them.
“Would you be interested in staying on and being my permanent nighttime guard?”
I looked at the money and sighed.
“As much as I’d like to, I don’t see how this job could be called permanent when the mortal danger is so real.”
“It is a challenge, I’ll admit, however, you rose to it last night,” he said. “I’m prepared to offer you twice the amount I gave you if you agreed to stay on.”
I stared at the fistful of money and imagined not having to struggle with bills or any other expenses. Then I turned a little and my back painfully reminded me of the dangers.
“I’d have to think about it,” I said.
“While you’re thinking, consider this, you have yet to see the basement.”
“Basement?”
He nodded.
“It’s considerably more challenging.”
“I’ll let you know.”
“Very well, you can see yourself out. I recommend getting that back tended to.”
With that, he vanished into thin air right in front of my eyes.
I looked at the money, wondering if it would vanish as well. Fortunately, it remained firmly in my grasp as I walked toward the front door.
For some reason, I felt hesitant to open it and leave. It was as if some force was exerting itself against me like the museum didn’t want me to go. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. More like a dog losing its favorite toy.
I pushed the doors open and left.
This whole ordeal made me ponder my concepts of reality as well as being terrified of the day when the things in the building would escape somehow. The big question was, did I need the money that badly?
Was I willing to put myself in mortal peril just for a few measly dollars?
I turned and looked back at the museum. In the daylight, it looked innocent. None of the terrors that lay within showed on the outside.
As I turned to head home, I swore I saw a fleeting glimpse of the apparition. It seemed to be following me. I looked again and it was gone.
Must’ve been my imagination.

Hiding in plain sight. I never paid much attention to that phrase before I started my new job.
‘Wanted: nighttime security guard’
That’s all the ad said, along with a phone number.
The town I live in isn’t very big, barely a dot on the map on the way to somewhere else. But for whatever reason we have a museum. I have no idea how it’s still in business. I can’t recall ever seeing a single person walk through their doors. But when I called the number the man who answered told me to come to this address this evening for my interview.
He seemed a little over-excited that I had answered the ad. When I asked him about the job, he said, “Oh, you know, the usual thing for a security guard.”
I’ve read some pretty unusual things about security guards in subreddits. But I’m sure those stories are made up.
Walking up the wide stone steps built to accommodate crowds of people was a little intimidating and creepy with no one for company besides the glowing lamps mounted on the sides of the railings. The whole thing gave off a very dystopian/ghost town/zombie apocalypse vibe. I guess the stone gargoyles staring down at me didn’t help much. I gazed into their eyes, half expecting them to jump down and carry me off to be sacrificed to Gozer.
If I hadn’t already discussed my hourly wage, I would’ve turned and high-tailed it home. But the wage was more than acceptable for a security guard. It was downright generous. I was wondering why he would pay so much, but walking up those desolate stairs gave me a clue.
Nobody wanted to go near this place. The word ‘haunted’ had been mentioned more than once.
Looking up at the front of the building the sporadic lights made shadows fall all around and gave it an intimidating presence.
I paused at the top of the stairs, thinking about every horror movie I’ve ever seen. There’s always that one moment where the characters could turn back and live another day, but they never do.
The wind whipped up, blowing against me, threatening to push me back down the stairs, almost as if warning me not to go inside. For a moment, I considered heeding the warning and climbing back down the stairs.
Knowing that my rent and car payment were due made me re-evaluate that decision.
I stepped up and opened the door, wondering if I would ever come out.
Fully expecting the door to creak on its hinges, I was pleasantly surprised when it opened silently and with little effort, despite feeling quite heavy.
The ornate decorations and beautiful décor took my breath away. I wasn’t sure what I expected, but I found myself regretting that this was the first time I had ever visited this museum.
I hadn’t made it two steps until an elegantly dressed man appeared and smiled at me. He didn’t so much as walk up to me, rather he glided, showing an air of dignity bordering on royalty.
“Mr. Whelton, I presume,” he said, wearing a warm smile.
“Yes, sir,” I said offering my hand.
He glanced at it with an amused look.
“Right, then, follow me and I’ll show you your duties,” he said turning on his heels and gliding away.
I pretended to smooth my hair as I followed, feeling like an idiot for offering my hand.
He glided past several works of art, toward a small desk.
“Right then,” he said. “You’ll be in charge of checking the doors so nothing gets in,” he paused. “Or out.”
“You mean stolen?” I said.
“Yes,” he said slowly. “Stolen.”
“So, I got the job?”
He stared at me blankly.
“Did you show up?”
I nodded.
“You got the job.”
“Do I need a uniform or anything?”
“Let’s see how your first night goes,” he said. “There’s a set of rules on the paper on your desk, please adhere to them. You must do at least one round per night through every room and check every door.”
“One round? That’s it?”
“This place is rather large and… challenging.”
I looked around with a hint of hesitation. Maybe there was a reason why it paid so much.
He smiled.
“If you have any problems, just call the number on the paper.”
“That’s it?”
“I believe so. I’ll lock the door on my way out and unlock it again at nine o’clock on my way back in.”
I stepped over to the desk and began reading the paper.
“What does this mean?” I said turning around, but he was gone.
“Hello?” I called but only my voice echoed back to me.
I looked at the puzzling paper again and read the rules.
‘rule number one: There are no rules.’
‘rule number two: tHere arE no rules.’
“What is this, fight club?” I said to myself.
‘everY time you bReak a rulE, return to rule number one.’
“Wait a minute, how can I break a rule when there are no rules?”
‘rule number three: hoW you follow the rules is As imporTant as why you follow the rules.’
“That made no sense at all.”
‘rule number four: if you are CaugHt breakING the rules, the penalties may be severe.’
“Ok, there’s something wrong here. This is just talking in circles.”
I read back over the rules and they looked strange. More than just the strangeness of the rules/non rules themselves, it was the way they were written. I went back and looked at each letter. Then I paid attention to the letters that were capitalized. It looked like some hidden message.
‘THEYRE WATCHING.’
I hesitated.
“Who’s watching?”
I decided to keep reading in hopes that this would begin to make some sense.
‘rule number five: DO NoT, under any circumstances, Make nOise eVery timE you do a round.’
Message received. ‘DONT MOVE.’
I stood there, immobile, wondering how long I was meant to play this game and if someone would come by and tag me to unfreeze me and allow me to start my round.
As I waited, chuckling to myself at the ludicrousness of this insane game of freeze tag, I felt the air grow cold. Clouds chugged out of my mouth like an old steamtrain as I fought the urge to rub my arms.
A chill that had little to do with the sudden temperature drop ran down my spine as I felt a presence in the room. It crept up behind me, silent as the grave. I could feel its hot breath wash over me as it sniffed.
Instead of enjoying the sudden warmth, my temperature plummeted. My heart hammered in my chest. It was all I could do to keep from running away in sheer terror.
As it passed by, I was overwhelmed by the stench of death. This thing was every nightmare I’ve ever had, personified. I refused to open my eyes and see its hideous form for fear of passing out. Instead, I focused on imitating a statue. Which was nearly impossible with my freezing body aching to shiver in frozen dread.
The nameless terror passed to the far side of the room, taking some of the cold with it, and then as suddenly as it came, it was gone.
The room returned to normal temperature, but I waited a few moments before moving, just to be sure.
Once I felt it was safe, I nearly collapsed to the floor in relief. After giving myself a moment to recover, I glanced at the paper with a newfound fear. Was this a harbinger of doom or a warning label meant to keep me safe?
Unsure if I wanted to read the rest, I took a moment to re-evaluate my current career choice. Could I just walk out and say I quit?
After a brief internal debate, I decided it wasn’t worth the money if I was about to be dragged through a portal to hell.
Just a short time ago, I would’ve considered that thought laughably ludicrous, but it was seeming more plausible by the moment.
I started toward the exit door with every intention of calling and telling my boss I wouldn’t be finishing the shift. Unfortunately, the door had other plans.
When I pushed on the crash bar, nothing happened. I tried turning the deadbolt, but it refused to move. After a few minutes of futility, I gave up, frustrated and determined to just sit in this room until morning came around.
Sitting at the desk, I spun around in the chair, waiting for the next nine hours and thirteen minutes to pass quickly. Five minutes later, out of sheer boredom, I glanced at the paper.
‘rule number Six: yoU Can’t just sit at the desK and waIT for the door to open UPon the ending of your shift.’
‘SUCK IT UP.’
“Are you serious?” I said in frustration. “Someone thinks they’re funny, huh?”
Glancing back at the paper, below rule six, was three letters. ‘yes’.
I backed away and got up to do my round, if nothing else to get away from this all-seeing sheet of paper that I had grown afraid to look at.
Hesitating, I reached for the door to the room where the nightmare had disappeared.
Glancing up, I saw a slip of paper taped to the door. It said, ‘The only way out is through.’
Sighing heavily, my trembling hand turned the knob and slowly opened the door. As I closed it, on the other side was another slip of paper, this one said, ‘Avoid eye contact and you’ll be fine.’
Confused by the cryptic statement, I turned and realized what it meant.
The room was full of stuffed creatures of many shapes and sizes. Most of them seemed to be mythical in nature of the cryptid variety. There was a bigfoot, skinwalker, dogman, jersey devil, wendigo, and many others. As my eyes scanned the room I noticed movement.
It wasn’t much, but it was enough. The skinwalker turned its head, just slightly to look right at me. I quickly darted my eyes away in fear and disbelief when the dogman turned its head to stare at me.
As panic coursed through my veins, I turned to go back through the door, remembering what the piece of paper on both sides of the door said.
‘The only way out is through’, and ‘Avoid eye contact and you’ll be fine’.
I felt the last statement was akin to saying, ‘If you hold on tight enough on a roller coaster, you won’t need the safety harness.’
Aiming my eyes at the floor, I turned and started toward the far side of the room.
I hoped that all they would do was watch. That hope was dashed. I heard growls and footsteps from all around the room. Hesitating, I wondered if I would need a clean pair of pants by the time I reached the far side, that is, if I survived.
The sounds of footsteps grew louder behind me when suddenly, there was a pair of hairy legs blocking my path. I stopped as a low growl made the air vibrate.
“Oh dear God,” I whispered, knowing that my life was about to end horribly and painfully.
Fighting the urge to look up, I sidestepped and went around the legs, hoping to pass unnoticed.
I counted my footsteps, hoping each one wouldn’t be my last.
Silently praying, I continued toward the door with my eyes aimed down, watching nothing more than my feet. It seemed like the longest walk of my life listening to the mythical creatures behind me come to life and sounding every bit like they were following me, just waiting for the right moment to grab me and turn me into a late-night snack.
It came as a surprise when I bumped my head into the far wall.
Shocked not only that I had made it, but that I had missed the door, I glanced over and found my glorious escape route.
As I opened the door, I accidentally glanced back into the room and made eye contact with the Wendigo. Its roar of rage is something I’ll never forget.
It charged at me with blinding speed and claws unsheathed, fangs ready to tear me to shreds as I dove through the door in the nick of time, slamming it behind me.
The impact on the other side of the wall made dust settle to the floor, causing me to sneeze.
I stood and saw another piece of paper taped to the door.
‘Whatever you do, don’t make a sound,’ it said.
As I was about to make a comment about it being too late, a giant set of fangs flew at me from the semi-darkness. Attached to them was the biggest snake I’d ever seen or heard of.
It shook off the impact with the door as my legs took over and sprinted for the far side of the room. The dim lighting made it impossible to see the far door as well as rocks and other obstacles littering the floor as I made my desperate dash to safety.
I swear the rock that tripped me moved into my path on its own.
Instead of a death sentence, it saved my life as the snake flew over my prone body, having tracked me down. Had I not tripped, its massive fangs would’ve gone straight through me.
Not waiting around to celebrate my accidental good fortune, I jumped up and raced toward the door again. It was now within sight, but so was the snake. It had recovered and was coiling for another strike.
Running around a large boulder to make myself a harder target, I aimed for a spot five feet from the door. When I was almost to the door, I dove just as the snake passed over me, slamming into the wall as I jumped up and opened the door.
Closing the door behind me, I took a moment to catch my breath and think about asking a lot more questions when I interview for my next job.
I tried to open my eyes but realized they were already open. The room was engulfed in total darkness. Pulling out my flashlight, I shone it around, but couldn’t see anything aside from the door and the floor in front of me. There was no sign of anything in the room, not even a ceiling. It was as if the darkness sucked the light into itself, never to escape.
Being robbed of sight, I relied on hearing. Taking a long listen, I waited to hear any growls or slithers, anything to give me a hint of what I might have to deal with, but there was nothing, only soul crushing silence.
Having scanned the room the best I could, I set out to find the far door. Nothing seemed strange. Even the echo sounded like a normal large room, it was just devoid of light.
The normalness of it terrified me.
All I could find out of place was a slight scent of disinfectant. I wasn’t sure if that was because whatever horrible creature that called this room its home had killed people here and they wanted to cover the smell, or if the creature itself had passed away, leaving some poor janitor to clean up the mess.
In either case, I was on full alert.
They say that when one of your senses falters, the others become more acute to make up for it. The same thing was happening with my paranoia.
I imagined shadows moving around in the total pitch of darkness. My steps were small and slow as my arms waved in front of me acting as my eyes, searching for any obstacles.
It took what seemed like an eternity to get to the far side walking so slow. I guess that’s the price of being careful.
As I approached the wall, the flashlight and vision became useful once again. I must’ve gotten off track as I walked because the door was far off to the side. I had to walk a good fifty feet along the wall to find it.
When I opened the door, I was greeted by a horrible sight. The snake was coiled up in front of it. I quickly shut the door as it prepared to strike.
Why would they have two snake rooms?
But then why wasn’t much of a relevant question in this place.
My mind came up with a terrible answer. It wasn’t a second snake; it was the same one. I must’ve gotten turned around in the darkness and done a circle.
As my brain had a go-around with denial, I tried to figure out a way to get across this room without unintentionally doubling back. Keeping in mind that even though I had yet to see or hear anything in this room, didn’t mean it wasn’t there.
Searching for any ideas, I looked down at my flashlight, then squared my shoulders against the wall to regain my bearings, and tossed the flashlight straight in front of me. It landed with a loud clatter then rolled around in a playful circle before coming to rest.
If there was anything in the room, most likely I’d just woken it up and showed it exactly where I was.
I stood still and listened.
After a few minutes, I didn’t hear any movement. It seemed safe to walk to my flashlight, pick it up, and toss it another fifteen feet, hopefully in a straight line.
I did this the whole way across the room, still listening for sounds, but becoming more confident with each step that I wouldn’t hear any.
The door was just a few feet to the side of where I’d aimed. Somehow, I’d gone in a straight line.
Grabbing the doorknob, I slowly turned it so as not to alert the snake if by some trick I ended up back in that room.
But there was no trick and no snake. The door opened to blinding light. I covered my eyes to give them time to adjust.
Once they had acclimated, I looked around at a beautiful room full of clouds. There were even clouds on the floor. It was disconcerting at first and almost made me lose my balance because they were so well painted that it literally looked like I was walking on clouds.
I took a tentative step into the room, making sure that it was an illusion and I wasn’t about to fall thousands of feet to my death.
Holding my breath, I stepped onto the first cloud and let go of the door frame. It was firm like a floor should be. My second and third steps were more confident as I realized how effective the illusion was.
Once I acclimated, walking on clouds was fun. This was turning out to be the easiest room I’d been in so far.
That’s when I heard the scream.
It was deafening and seemed to come from everywhere at once. I dove to the floor only to realize there was nowhere to hide from whatever it was. I stood out like a sore thumb against the blue sky and white fluffy clouds painted on every surface of the room.
The scream sounded again, and I began to run, having no idea which way I was going or where the screaming was coming from. For all I knew, I was running toward whatever it was. I just knew it didn’t sound human, and I had no desire to find out what it was.
Soon the choice was taken out of my hands. I saw a dark spot appear against the clouds that quickly became larger. It was almost on me when I dove to the floor, feeling something sharp rake my back.
Pain shot through me as I reached around and found the back of my shirt in shreds. Not only that but my hand was covered in blood. Whatever it was had sliced my back open and I was bleeding.
Adrenaline kicked in and I ran faster than I ever have. The problem was, I didn’t know where I was running to or what I was running from. I was just running.
I heard wings flapping and I looked back just in time to see the largest bird of prey I’ve ever seen. It looked like a golden eagle, only the thing was massive. The wingspan was easily twenty feet.
As I was running, I turned to get a closer look at this thing at the same time I was trying to get away from it. My feet got tangled up and I fell backward just as the razor-sharp talons passed over mere inches away from my face.
I jumped up and started running again. As I glanced back to find my attacker I was met with the strangest sight. There was a smear of blood on the floor where I had just been lying. It looked like someone had wiped blood on a cloud.
The wings flapped again. I knew it was close. I had run out of luck. It would be ready for anything this time. Its razor-sharp talons would rip me to pieces, there was no doubt about it. There was only one option. I jumped and whipped around in midair, throwing my flashlight as hard as I could. It connected with its head that was mere feet away.
It screamed and dove off to the side, impacting with the floor so hard I felt the vibration, and landing in a heap.
I didn’t stop to check on it. The door loomed ahead of me, and I pushed myself for every ounce of speed my body could muster.
Turning the knob and opening the door in one smooth motion, I dove through and slammed it shut.
Laying on the floor, breathing hard, trying to catch my breath, I knew I was a sitting duck for whatever monster lurked in this room.
I rolled over to get in some defensive position for whatever was about to attack when I saw I was back in the main hall. I had somehow survived my first, and as far as I was concerned, last, round.
I stumbled my way to the restroom, in the back of my mind wondering what kind of insanity I would find in there.
Would I have to crawl through the mirror into another dimension to get a roll of toilet paper?
Fortunately, the restroom held no surprises. I took off my destroyed shirt and ran water over it to clean up my back as best I could. When I was done, I put some paper towels on the wound and put my jacket on top of it.
The desk and chair were where I spent the rest of the night. Surprisingly, it had taken me almost an hour to complete the round. As I sat there, pondering if I could survive another night at this job, I saw a dark spot form on the wall and detach itself only to float over toward me.
I closed my eyes and sat perfectly still, ignoring the sudden drop in temperature. The stench of death surrounded me, but I refused to move. For a moment I thought I heard a sound like sniffing, and then it seemed to diminish. Once the temperature rose again, I opened my eyes, and the apparition was gone.
As bored as I was for the next few hours, I wasn’t tempted to do another round, not even in the slightest.
When nine o’clock rolled around, the boss/curator appeared and glided over to me wearing a little grin.
“I see you managed to make it through,” he said. “Congratulations, you’re the first one in some time.”
“The first one to make it through a single round?”
He nodded.
“How many others have there been?” I said with a haunted look in my eyes.
He shook his head.
“Let’s not worry about that shall we?” he said. “Here is the amount we agreed upon.”
He handed me a stack of bills and I gladly took them.
“Would you be interested in staying on and being my permanent nighttime guard?”
I looked at the money and sighed.
“As much as I’d like to, I don’t see how this job could be called permanent when the mortal danger is so real.”
“It is a challenge, I’ll admit, however, you rose to it last night,” he said. “I’m prepared to offer you twice the amount I gave you if you agreed to stay on.”
I stared at the fistful of money and imagined not having to struggle with bills or any other expenses. Then I turned a little and my back painfully reminded me of the dangers.
“I’d have to think about it,” I said.
“While you’re thinking, consider this, you have yet to see the basement.”
“Basement?”
He nodded.
“It’s considerably more challenging.”
“I’ll let you know.”
“Very well, you can see yourself out. I recommend getting that back tended to.”
With that, he vanished into thin air right in front of my eyes.
I looked at the money, wondering if it would vanish as well. Fortunately, it remained firmly in my grasp as I walked toward the front door.
For some reason, I felt hesitant to open it and leave. It was as if some force was exerting itself against me like the museum didn’t want me to go. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. More like a dog losing its favorite toy.
I pushed the doors open and left.
This whole ordeal made me ponder my concepts of reality as well as being terrified of the day when the things in the building would escape somehow. The big question was, did I need the money that badly?
Was I willing to put myself in mortal peril just for a few measly dollars?
I turned and looked back at the museum. In the daylight, it looked innocent. None of the terrors that lay within showed on the outside.
As I turned to head home, I swore I saw a fleeting glimpse of the apparition. It seemed to be following me. I looked again and it was gone.
Must’ve been my imagination.

Hiding in plain sight. I never paid much attention to that phrase before I started my new job.
‘Wanted: nighttime security guard’
That’s all the ad said, along with a phone number.
The town I live in isn’t very big, barely a dot on the map on the way to somewhere else. But for whatever reason we have a museum. I have no idea how it’s still in business. I can’t recall ever seeing a single person walk through their doors. But when I called the number the man who answered told me to come to this address this evening for my interview.
He seemed a little over-excited that I had answered the ad. When I asked him about the job, he said, “Oh, you know, the usual thing for a security guard.”
I’ve read some pretty unusual things about security guards in subreddits. But I’m sure those stories are made up.
Walking up the wide stone steps built to accommodate crowds of people was a little intimidating and creepy with no one for company besides the glowing lamps mounted on the sides of the railings. The whole thing gave off a very dystopian/ghost town/zombie apocalypse vibe. I guess the stone gargoyles staring down at me didn’t help much. I gazed into their eyes, half expecting them to jump down and carry me off to be sacrificed to Gozer.
If I hadn’t already discussed my hourly wage, I would’ve turned and high-tailed it home. But the wage was more than acceptable for a security guard. It was downright generous. I was wondering why he would pay so much, but walking up those desolate stairs gave me a clue.
Nobody wanted to go near this place. The word ‘haunted’ had been mentioned more than once.
Looking up at the front of the building the sporadic lights made shadows fall all around and gave it an intimidating presence.
I paused at the top of the stairs, thinking about every horror movie I’ve ever seen. There’s always that one moment where the characters could turn back and live another day, but they never do.
The wind whipped up, blowing against me, threatening to push me back down the stairs, almost as if warning me not to go inside. For a moment, I considered heeding the warning and climbing back down the stairs.
Knowing that my rent and car payment were due made me re-evaluate that decision.
I stepped up and opened the door, wondering if I would ever come out.
Fully expecting the door to creak on its hinges, I was pleasantly surprised when it opened silently and with little effort, despite feeling quite heavy.
The ornate decorations and beautiful décor took my breath away. I wasn’t sure what I expected, but I found myself regretting that this was the first time I had ever visited this museum.
I hadn’t made it two steps until an elegantly dressed man appeared and smiled at me. He didn’t so much as walk up to me, rather he glided, showing an air of dignity bordering on royalty.
“Mr. Whelton, I presume,” he said, wearing a warm smile.
“Yes, sir,” I said offering my hand.
He glanced at it with an amused look.
“Right, then, follow me and I’ll show you your duties,” he said turning on his heels and gliding away.
I pretended to smooth my hair as I followed, feeling like an idiot for offering my hand.
He glided past several works of art, toward a small desk.
“Right then,” he said. “You’ll be in charge of checking the doors so nothing gets in,” he paused. “Or out.”
“You mean stolen?” I said.
“Yes,” he said slowly. “Stolen.”
“So, I got the job?”
He stared at me blankly.
“Did you show up?”
I nodded.
“You got the job.”
“Do I need a uniform or anything?”
“Let’s see how your first night goes,” he said. “There’s a set of rules on the paper on your desk, please adhere to them. You must do at least one round per night through every room and check every door.”
“One round? That’s it?”
“This place is rather large and… challenging.”
I looked around with a hint of hesitation. Maybe there was a reason why it paid so much.
He smiled.
“If you have any problems, just call the number on the paper.”
“That’s it?”
“I believe so. I’ll lock the door on my way out and unlock it again at nine o’clock on my way back in.”
I stepped over to the desk and began reading the paper.
“What does this mean?” I said turning around, but he was gone.
“Hello?” I called but only my voice echoed back to me.
I looked at the puzzling paper again and read the rules.
‘rule number one: There are no rules.’
‘rule number two: tHere arE no rules.’
“What is this, fight club?” I said to myself.
‘everY time you bReak a rulE, return to rule number one.’
“Wait a minute, how can I break a rule when there are no rules?”
‘rule number three: hoW you follow the rules is As imporTant as why you follow the rules.’
“That made no sense at all.”
‘rule number four: if you are CaugHt breakING the rules, the penalties may be severe.’
“Ok, there’s something wrong here. This is just talking in circles.”
I read back over the rules and they looked strange. More than just the strangeness of the rules/non rules themselves, it was the way they were written. I went back and looked at each letter. Then I paid attention to the letters that were capitalized. It looked like some hidden message.
‘THEYRE WATCHING.’
I hesitated.
“Who’s watching?”
I decided to keep reading in hopes that this would begin to make some sense.
‘rule number five: DO NoT, under any circumstances, Make nOise eVery timE you do a round.’
Message received. ‘DONT MOVE.’
I stood there, immobile, wondering how long I was meant to play this game and if someone would come by and tag me to unfreeze me and allow me to start my round.
As I waited, chuckling to myself at the ludicrousness of this insane game of freeze tag, I felt the air grow cold. Clouds chugged out of my mouth like an old steamtrain as I fought the urge to rub my arms.
A chill that had little to do with the sudden temperature drop ran down my spine as I felt a presence in the room. It crept up behind me, silent as the grave. I could feel its hot breath wash over me as it sniffed.
Instead of enjoying the sudden warmth, my temperature plummeted. My heart hammered in my chest. It was all I could do to keep from running away in sheer terror.
As it passed by, I was overwhelmed by the stench of death. This thing was every nightmare I’ve ever had, personified. I refused to open my eyes and see its hideous form for fear of passing out. Instead, I focused on imitating a statue. Which was nearly impossible with my freezing body aching to shiver in frozen dread.
The nameless terror passed to the far side of the room, taking some of the cold with it, and then as suddenly as it came, it was gone.
The room returned to normal temperature, but I waited a few moments before moving, just to be sure.
Once I felt it was safe, I nearly collapsed to the floor in relief. After giving myself a moment to recover, I glanced at the paper with a newfound fear. Was this a harbinger of doom or a warning label meant to keep me safe?
Unsure if I wanted to read the rest, I took a moment to re-evaluate my current career choice. Could I just walk out and say I quit?
After a brief internal debate, I decided it wasn’t worth the money if I was about to be dragged through a portal to hell.
Just a short time ago, I would’ve considered that thought laughably ludicrous, but it was seeming more plausible by the moment.
I started toward the exit door with every intention of calling and telling my boss I wouldn’t be finishing the shift. Unfortunately, the door had other plans.
When I pushed on the crash bar, nothing happened. I tried turning the deadbolt, but it refused to move. After a few minutes of futility, I gave up, frustrated and determined to just sit in this room until morning came around.
Sitting at the desk, I spun around in the chair, waiting for the next nine hours and thirteen minutes to pass quickly. Five minutes later, out of sheer boredom, I glanced at the paper.
‘rule number Six: yoU Can’t just sit at the desK and waIT for the door to open UPon the ending of your shift.’
‘SUCK IT UP.’
“Are you serious?” I said in frustration. “Someone thinks they’re funny, huh?”
Glancing back at the paper, below rule six, was three letters. ‘yes’.
I backed away and got up to do my round, if nothing else to get away from this all-seeing sheet of paper that I had grown afraid to look at.
Hesitating, I reached for the door to the room where the nightmare had disappeared.
Glancing up, I saw a slip of paper taped to the door. It said, ‘The only way out is through.’
Sighing heavily, my trembling hand turned the knob and slowly opened the door. As I closed it, on the other side was another slip of paper, this one said, ‘Avoid eye contact and you’ll be fine.’
Confused by the cryptic statement, I turned and realized what it meant.
The room was full of stuffed creatures of many shapes and sizes. Most of them seemed to be mythical in nature of the cryptid variety. There was a bigfoot, skinwalker, dogman, jersey devil, wendigo, and many others. As my eyes scanned the room I noticed movement.
It wasn’t much, but it was enough. The skinwalker turned its head, just slightly to look right at me. I quickly darted my eyes away in fear and disbelief when the dogman turned its head to stare at me.
As panic coursed through my veins, I turned to go back through the door, remembering what the piece of paper on both sides of the door said.
‘The only way out is through’, and ‘Avoid eye contact and you’ll be fine’.
I felt the last statement was akin to saying, ‘If you hold on tight enough on a roller coaster, you won’t need the safety harness.’
Aiming my eyes at the floor, I turned and started toward the far side of the room.
I hoped that all they would do was watch. That hope was dashed. I heard growls and footsteps from all around the room. Hesitating, I wondered if I would need a clean pair of pants by the time I reached the far side, that is, if I survived.
The sounds of footsteps grew louder behind me when suddenly, there was a pair of hairy legs blocking my path. I stopped as a low growl made the air vibrate.
“Oh dear God,” I whispered, knowing that my life was about to end horribly and painfully.
Fighting the urge to look up, I sidestepped and went around the legs, hoping to pass unnoticed.
I counted my footsteps, hoping each one wouldn’t be my last.
Silently praying, I continued toward the door with my eyes aimed down, watching nothing more than my feet. It seemed like the longest walk of my life listening to the mythical creatures behind me come to life and sounding every bit like they were following me, just waiting for the right moment to grab me and turn me into a late-night snack.
It came as a surprise when I bumped my head into the far wall.
Shocked not only that I had made it, but that I had missed the door, I glanced over and found my glorious escape route.
As I opened the door, I accidentally glanced back into the room and made eye contact with the Wendigo. Its roar of rage is something I’ll never forget.
It charged at me with blinding speed and claws unsheathed, fangs ready to tear me to shreds as I dove through the door in the nick of time, slamming it behind me.
The impact on the other side of the wall made dust settle to the floor, causing me to sneeze.
I stood and saw another piece of paper taped to the door.
‘Whatever you do, don’t make a sound,’ it said.
As I was about to make a comment about it being too late, a giant set of fangs flew at me from the semi-darkness. Attached to them was the biggest snake I’d ever seen or heard of.
It shook off the impact with the door as my legs took over and sprinted for the far side of the room. The dim lighting made it impossible to see the far door as well as rocks and other obstacles littering the floor as I made my desperate dash to safety.
I swear the rock that tripped me moved into my path on its own.
Instead of a death sentence, it saved my life as the snake flew over my prone body, having tracked me down. Had I not tripped, its massive fangs would’ve gone straight through me.
Not waiting around to celebrate my accidental good fortune, I jumped up and raced toward the door again. It was now within sight, but so was the snake. It had recovered and was coiling for another strike.
Running around a large boulder to make myself a harder target, I aimed for a spot five feet from the door. When I was almost to the door, I dove just as the snake passed over me, slamming into the wall as I jumped up and opened the door.
Closing the door behind me, I took a moment to catch my breath and think about asking a lot more questions when I interview for my next job.
I tried to open my eyes but realized they were already open. The room was engulfed in total darkness. Pulling out my flashlight, I shone it around, but couldn’t see anything aside from the door and the floor in front of me. There was no sign of anything in the room, not even a ceiling. It was as if the darkness sucked the light into itself, never to escape.
Being robbed of sight, I relied on hearing. Taking a long listen, I waited to hear any growls or slithers, anything to give me a hint of what I might have to deal with, but there was nothing, only soul crushing silence.
Having scanned the room the best I could, I set out to find the far door. Nothing seemed strange. Even the echo sounded like a normal large room, it was just devoid of light.
The normalness of it terrified me.
All I could find out of place was a slight scent of disinfectant. I wasn’t sure if that was because whatever horrible creature that called this room its home had killed people here and they wanted to cover the smell, or if the creature itself had passed away, leaving some poor janitor to clean up the mess.
In either case, I was on full alert.
They say that when one of your senses falters, the others become more acute to make up for it. The same thing was happening with my paranoia.
I imagined shadows moving around in the total pitch of darkness. My steps were small and slow as my arms waved in front of me acting as my eyes, searching for any obstacles.
It took what seemed like an eternity to get to the far side walking so slow. I guess that’s the price of being careful.
As I approached the wall, the flashlight and vision became useful once again. I must’ve gotten off track as I walked because the door was far off to the side. I had to walk a good fifty feet along the wall to find it.
When I opened the door, I was greeted by a horrible sight. The snake was coiled up in front of it. I quickly shut the door as it prepared to strike.
Why would they have two snake rooms?
But then why wasn’t much of a relevant question in this place.
My mind came up with a terrible answer. It wasn’t a second snake; it was the same one. I must’ve gotten turned around in the darkness and done a circle.
As my brain had a go-around with denial, I tried to figure out a way to get across this room without unintentionally doubling back. Keeping in mind that even though I had yet to see or hear anything in this room, didn’t mean it wasn’t there.
Searching for any ideas, I looked down at my flashlight, then squared my shoulders against the wall to regain my bearings, and tossed the flashlight straight in front of me. It landed with a loud clatter then rolled around in a playful circle before coming to rest.
If there was anything in the room, most likely I’d just woken it up and showed it exactly where I was.
I stood still and listened.
After a few minutes, I didn’t hear any movement. It seemed safe to walk to my flashlight, pick it up, and toss it another fifteen feet, hopefully in a straight line.
I did this the whole way across the room, still listening for sounds, but becoming more confident with each step that I wouldn’t hear any.
The door was just a few feet to the side of where I’d aimed. Somehow, I’d gone in a straight line.
Grabbing the doorknob, I slowly turned it so as not to alert the snake if by some trick I ended up back in that room.
But there was no trick and no snake. The door opened to blinding light. I covered my eyes to give them time to adjust.
Once they had acclimated, I looked around at a beautiful room full of clouds. There were even clouds on the floor. It was disconcerting at first and almost made me lose my balance because they were so well painted that it literally looked like I was walking on clouds.
I took a tentative step into the room, making sure that it was an illusion and I wasn’t about to fall thousands of feet to my death.
Holding my breath, I stepped onto the first cloud and let go of the door frame. It was firm like a floor should be. My second and third steps were more confident as I realized how effective the illusion was.
Once I acclimated, walking on clouds was fun. This was turning out to be the easiest room I’d been in so far.
That’s when I heard the scream.
It was deafening and seemed to come from everywhere at once. I dove to the floor only to realize there was nowhere to hide from whatever it was. I stood out like a sore thumb against the blue sky and white fluffy clouds painted on every surface of the room.
The scream sounded again, and I began to run, having no idea which way I was going or where the screaming was coming from. For all I knew, I was running toward whatever it was. I just knew it didn’t sound human, and I had no desire to find out what it was.
Soon the choice was taken out of my hands. I saw a dark spot appear against the clouds that quickly became larger. It was almost on me when I dove to the floor, feeling something sharp rake my back.
Pain shot through me as I reached around and found the back of my shirt in shreds. Not only that but my hand was covered in blood. Whatever it was had sliced my back open and I was bleeding.
Adrenaline kicked in and I ran faster than I ever have. The problem was, I didn’t know where I was running to or what I was running from. I was just running.
I heard wings flapping and I looked back just in time to see the largest bird of prey I’ve ever seen. It looked like a golden eagle, only the thing was massive. The wingspan was easily twenty feet.
As I was running, I turned to get a closer look at this thing at the same time I was trying to get away from it. My feet got tangled up and I fell backward just as the razor-sharp talons passed over mere inches away from my face.
I jumped up and started running again. As I glanced back to find my attacker I was met with the strangest sight. There was a smear of blood on the floor where I had just been lying. It looked like someone had wiped blood on a cloud.
The wings flapped again. I knew it was close. I had run out of luck. It would be ready for anything this time. Its razor-sharp talons would rip me to pieces, there was no doubt about it. There was only one option. I jumped and whipped around in midair, throwing my flashlight as hard as I could. It connected with its head that was mere feet away.
It screamed and dove off to the side, impacting with the floor so hard I felt the vibration, and landing in a heap.
I didn’t stop to check on it. The door loomed ahead of me, and I pushed myself for every ounce of speed my body could muster.
Turning the knob and opening the door in one smooth motion, I dove through and slammed it shut.
Laying on the floor, breathing hard, trying to catch my breath, I knew I was a sitting duck for whatever monster lurked in this room.
I rolled over to get in some defensive position for whatever was about to attack when I saw I was back in the main hall. I had somehow survived my first, and as far as I was concerned, last, round.
I stumbled my way to the restroom, in the back of my mind wondering what kind of insanity I would find in there.
Would I have to crawl through the mirror into another dimension to get a roll of toilet paper?
Fortunately, the restroom held no surprises. I took off my destroyed shirt and ran water over it to clean up my back as best I could. When I was done, I put some paper towels on the wound and put my jacket on top of it.
The desk and chair were where I spent the rest of the night. Surprisingly, it had taken me almost an hour to complete the round. As I sat there, pondering if I could survive another night at this job, I saw a dark spot form on the wall and detach itself only to float over toward me.
I closed my eyes and sat perfectly still, ignoring the sudden drop in temperature. The stench of death surrounded me, but I refused to move. For a moment I thought I heard a sound like sniffing, and then it seemed to diminish. Once the temperature rose again, I opened my eyes, and the apparition was gone.
As bored as I was for the next few hours, I wasn’t tempted to do another round, not even in the slightest.
When nine o’clock rolled around, the boss/curator appeared and glided over to me wearing a little grin.
“I see you managed to make it through,” he said. “Congratulations, you’re the first one in some time.”
“The first one to make it through a single round?”
He nodded.
“How many others have there been?” I said with a haunted look in my eyes.
He shook his head.
“Let’s not worry about that shall we?” he said. “Here is the amount we agreed upon.”
He handed me a stack of bills and I gladly took them.
“Would you be interested in staying on and being my permanent nighttime guard?”
I looked at the money and sighed.
“As much as I’d like to, I don’t see how this job could be called permanent when the mortal danger is so real.”
“It is a challenge, I’ll admit, however, you rose to it last night,” he said. “I’m prepared to offer you twice the amount I gave you if you agreed to stay on.”
I stared at the fistful of money and imagined not having to struggle with bills or any other expenses. Then I turned a little and my back painfully reminded me of the dangers.
“I’d have to think about it,” I said.
“While you’re thinking, consider this, you have yet to see the basement.”
“Basement?”
He nodded.
“It’s considerably more challenging.”
“I’ll let you know.”
“Very well, you can see yourself out. I recommend getting that back tended to.”
With that, he vanished into thin air right in front of my eyes.
I looked at the money, wondering if it would vanish as well. Fortunately, it remained firmly in my grasp as I walked toward the front door.
For some reason, I felt hesitant to open it and leave. It was as if some force was exerting itself against me like the museum didn’t want me to go. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. More like a dog losing its favorite toy.
I pushed the doors open and left.
This whole ordeal made me ponder my concepts of reality as well as being terrified of the day when the things in the building would escape somehow. The big question was, did I need the money that badly?
Was I willing to put myself in mortal peril just for a few measly dollars?
I turned and looked back at the museum. In the daylight, it looked innocent. None of the terrors that lay within showed on the outside.
As I turned to head home, I swore I saw a fleeting glimpse of the apparition. It seemed to be following me. I looked again and it was gone.
Must’ve been my imagination.

Episode 1: Oh god no, my marijuana patch! (Farmer)
Episode 2:We here at team four star do not condone child violence. We do however find it hilarious.(Kaiser)
Episode 3: Mahogany! (King Yemma)
Episode 4: Alright Maggots listen up! Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order. It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo. (Popo)
Episode 5: DODGE! (Piccolo)
Episode 6: I’ll tell you where they’re not, safe! (Popo)
Episode 7: I’m not a Pokémon! I’m Chiaotzu! CHIAOTZU! (Chiaotzu)
Episode 8: “Vegeta! I can fly” (Nappa)
Episode 9: "9 minutes and 18 seconds" (Vegeta)
Episode 10: “What’s the opposite of Christopher Walken? CHRISTOPHER REEVES!" (Vegeta)
Episode 11: “Yep, this baby gets 10,000 miles to the soul.” (Popo)
Episode 12: "No! What are you:stupid? We are doctors, scientists! Now inject this man with some SCIENCE! Delicious, magical SCIENCE!" (Some Freeza Grunt)
Episode 13: "Could you speak up? I'm not wearing any pants" (Roshi)
Episode 14: "QUACK!" (The Space-Duck)
Episode 15: "Muffin Button" (Goku)
Episode 16: Face down with another man beating your ass. Is it Wednesday already, Zarbon? (Vegeta)
Episode 17: I'm coming Zarbon! Quick, grab my balls!
Episode 18: " I don't know. Maybe you could've bitched at him, how 'bout that? That's all you appear to be good for these days. Huh? Used your bitch-fu on him? Bulma the mistress of bitching, that's what they should call you. Seriously, five ancient sages of bitchdom all gathered together one day on the peaks of Mount Bitch to proclaim your birth. And a hundred years later, when all the bitch stars had aligned, you were born and made everybody's life around you a living hell because you are such a bitch!" (Krillin)
Episode 19: "Son of a gum-chewing funk-monster! Why the fruit does all this funny stuff happen to me?! Forget my life! Always surrounded by miserable failing clods! Like this whole world just likes to *bend* me over and FIND ME IN THE ALPS! Like I'm some sort of shlock receptacle! Well as far as I care, these miserable cows can have a fancy barbecue with a goddamn pig!!" (Vegeta)
Episode 20: "BECAUSE THE NAME'S RECCOOME! IT RHYMES WITH DOOM! AND YOU'RRRRRE GONNA BE HURTING ALL TOO SOON!!! (Reccoome)
Episode 21: I can't believe we came all the way out here and spent a week in the Space Boonies for nothing! Seriously, I'm surprised we didn't hear banjos on the way, because everyone is inbred and LOOKS THE F***ING SAME! Not to mention I lost Dodoria and Zarbon, the latter of whom spent 400 credits making long-distance calls to his girlfriend, WHO I AM CONVINCED IS NAMED CHUCK! (Freeza)
Episode 22: Did you tell him to work the shaft? (Super Kami Guru)
Episode 23: This is easily the 2nd worse hole I’ve ever had in my chest. It’s gonna take like, a million mommy kisses to make it better. (Goku).
Episode 24: "Oh ho ho ho no, don't mind me. By all means, g̶̢͘í̸͖̈̕͝v̶̢̹͠ͅe̸̮͆̋̽ ̷͙͔͙̲̏͛ḿ̸̨̲̦̤͒͑ẹ̴̜͚̰̉̂ ̵̩͈͍̯̠́͂s̷̝͓͍̑o̷̢̲͙̅̍̐̔͠m̷͔̂e̸̪͊̂̐̕͠ͅ ̵̛̱̣̣̱̎̅i̶̍̒͂ͅd̶̡̲̟̔̉̏ȩ̸̙̭̺̑̊̃͠ä̸̧̱́̅s̴̙͚̯̯̩̾." (Freeza)
Episode 25: "Oh good. I'll stop by there on the way home. Pick up some space eggs, some space milk, and BLOW IT THE F*** UP! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm usually far more composed. I'm just a little bit A B S O L U T E L Y L I V I D." (Freeza)
Episode 26: “That’s right, I’m your White Mage, & Nobody fucks with the White Mage” (Little Green)
Episode 27: " Imma deck ya in the schnozz!" (Goku)