I’ve been keeping a journal about each day and how things are going. From an objective standpoint, today has been the most successful by far. I was able to use the bathroom (the constipation advice was no joke truly), I finally had an appetite and ate somewhat normally, I was able to get up and move around a bit, I was able to go almost the full day without needing to take any oxy, and I even got to sit outside for a bit to get some fresh air. It was also my parent’s anniversary, so it was a bit celebratory too.
But even with all these positives, today felt like the worst day. I feel gross because I haven’t been able to shower since the op yet. I feel useless on my own. I feel like a burden to my family. I feel like im a disappointment to myself. I’m really trying to be positive about this recovery, but all the things that went well today that I listed above just made me feel worse. Because I shouldn’t have to look at daily life activities and see them as this groundbreaking success. I never knew how demoralizing it would be to think “I finally managed to take a shit, yay!” And then realize how pathetic that sounds. It was fine during the day too, but now that its night and I’m just stuck alone with my thoughts, it’s really hitting. And quite honestly, I’m just scared.
I’ve managed to stay pretty positive overall, but again, it’s just the nights. Each night has gotten worse. I’ve been crying for at least the past 2 hours and I couldn’t even give you an exact reason. There’s just so many thoughts swimming around and I’m so overwhelmed with them and really just done with it. And I’m scared. I keep telling myself that I’m doing good and I’ll be normal again soon, but that one seed of doubt in the back of my mind is just eating me alive right now.
How have you guys been dealing with the negativity? A part of me thinks I should just let it happen and let the emotions out, but the other part tells me I should try to distract myself or ignore it. I just don’t know how. Any positive thoughts or advice would really go a long way right now <3

Four Iroquois Hunters
Once, not long ago, four Iroquois hunters spent the winter together trapping in the north. They had good luck.
When they brought their furs to the trading post at the end of the season, they had more than enough to buy all the things they needed for their families.
In fact, there was just enough left over to buy a new rifle.
They had a problem.
Although they hunted and trapped together as brothers, for all of them belonged to the Bear Clan, they did not live together.
One hunter was from the Nundawaono, the People of the Great Hill, the Seneca.
His home was to the west.
One was from the Gueugwehono, the People of the Mucky Land, the Cayuga.
His home was to the south near the marshes by the long lakes.
One was from the Onundagaono, the People on the Hills, the Onondaga. His place was in the very centre of the lands of the Great League.
One was from the Ganeagaono, the People of the Flint, the Mohawks.
His home was to the east. Now that they had finished trapping, each would be returning home.
It was easy to divide provisions among four people, but how could they divide the rifle? Finally it was decided.
The man who told the tallest story about hunting would take the gun home.
The Mohawk hunter spoke first.
“A man was walking along.
He had been hunting all day, but his mind wasn’t on his hunting.
He’d used up all of the bullets for his old muzzle loader without hitting anything.
As he walked, he ate some cherries he had picked. Eat one, spit the stone into his hand.
Eat one spit the stone into his hand. Then he saw, right in front of him, a big, big deer.
But he had no bullets left. He thought quickly.
He poured powder into the gun, took the cherry seeds, loaded them and fired at the deer’s head.
The deer fell down, but it got right up again and ran away.
“Some years later that same hunter went out again hunting in the same place.
Again he had no luck. Near the end of the day he saw at the edge of a clearing a tall tree covered with ripe cherries.
Ah, this man thought.
At least I can eat some cherries.
So he put his gun down and began to climb up into the tree.
He had reached the lower branches when the tree began to shake back and forth and the hunter had to hold on with both hands.
Then the tree lifted straight up into the air and he was thrown out.
He looked up from the ground and saw that the tree was growing from between the antlers of a huge deer which shook its head one more time and then ran away into the forest.
And that,” said the Mohawk hunter, “is my story.”
Now it was the turn of the Onondaga hunter.
“One time my uncle was out hunting. He had only one shot left in his gun and he wanted to make it count.
He came to a stream where he saw a duck swimming back and forth, back and forth.
Just in front of the duck there was a large trout and it was leaping from the water to catch flies, leaping, leaping, leaping.
On the other side of the stream there stood a deer.
It had its head up and it was standing still, sniffing the wind. Further back on a small hill was a bear up on its hind legs, scratching its paws on a tree, up and down, up and down.
My uncle got down on his belly.
He crawled close to the stream, took careful aim and waited.
When everything was just right and the trout jumped again he pulled the trigger.
His bullet went through the trout and killed the duck.
It ricocheted off the water and struck the deer.
It went through the deer and killed the bear.
My uncle was a good shot. The amazing thing–I know you will find this hard to believe–is that when he went to skin the bear he turned it over and found it had fallen on a fox and killed it.” The Onondaga hunter paused for breath.
“And that fox had a fat rabbit in its mouth.”
The Cayuga hunter was next.
“Many seasons ago my grandfather was out hunting and saw a deer.
He started to chase it so he could get closer for a better shot, but he ran so fast he went right past the deer.
When the deer saw my grandfather go by him, it got scared.
It turned around, jumped as hard as it could and sailed right over a stream.
My grandfather jumped too but when he got halfway over the stream he saw he couldn’t make it to the other side so he turned around in mid-air and jumped back.
By now the deer hid behind a hill on the other side of the stream so my grandfather couldn’t see it anymore.
“Now my grandfather was angry. He wasn’t going to let that deer get away! He put his gun between little maple trees and bent the barrel.
The he aimed and shot.
The bullet curved right around the hill and struck the deer.
“When my grandfather saw the fallen deer he got real excited.
It was as if it was the first deer he’d ever shot.
He started to skin it right away,
But the dear wasn’t dead. Just when my grandfather reached the horns and was about to pull the skin off, the dear jumped up and began to run around.
My grandfather tried to grab the deer, but it was too slippery.
He chased it around and around.
Then the skin got caught on the bark of a hickory tree.
The dear backed off and pulled real hard and the skin came right off over its horns!
The deer ran away, leaving my grandfather with nothing but its skin.
” The Cayuga hunter looked up and look a deep breath. “
And if you don’t believe my story, you can just go to my grandfather’s lodge.
That skin is still hanging there.”
Now only the Seneca hunter was left.
He looked around at the other three.
Then he smiled and shook his head.
“Wah-ah,” he said, “I am sorry.
None of us Senecas ever tell tall stories about hunting.”
The other three hunters looked at each other.
Then, without another word, they handed him the gun.

A conversation with a few friends of mine some skins have certain audiences to them and certain people will pick them more than others that's just the nature of people, and sometimes these people can be fit into certain groups, and certain stereotypes which is also nature of people. So I will be talking about these stereotypes, with 4-8 champs at a time depending on how many skins they have, starting with- Not androxus- but some general skin types etc.
Let me start off by saying that stereotypes are broad, and over generalized by nature, and not everyone is the same we're not Buzz Lightyear here, at the very least these are meant for fun.

Basic Recolours

The recolours you can buy for gold often attract semi-new players those that got the champions they like and often will spend "extra" gold on recolours.
They're most likely new at the game, or at the very least their champion.
Certain recolours will be brought up again per champion if they add anything different or have a different stereotype.

System Recolours/Promotional Recolours

So these guys probably are more likely to be even newer than the basic recolours since they got them from linking accounts or following/subscribing to different social media and all that.

Mastery/Gold Skins

Assuming it's gold they're probably confident in their skill with a champion and want to display that, but with the obsidian and cosmic ones they tend to be the same as basic and promotional recolours.

Invitational/Event Recolours

Okay so we're done with recolours after this I promise but often these are old school players, often ignoring the actual quality of skins to more say that's when they were around.

Hats

Hats are kinda the same as the event/invitation recolours but they can also be found on new players who got the hat from a chest, in general if they have a proper skin they'll dump these for the skin so at the very least that leaves semi experienced players who finds the frog hat more funny than they do the cowboy cool.

Androxus

It's fair to say that Android is the poster boy of paladins and since he's relatively old he's got a lot of skins over the years and he's got quite the audience, I mean really he's the guy they show on the splash art of the game like imagine little Timmy seeing his older brother playing Androgenous "Who's the cool guy with the revolver and horns?" And his brother is like "That's my main Abolitionist" and then next game Timmy is playing Angrosist.
And they're very against nerfs every time pretending it'll kill Ambrosia and every time he's just fine maybe the fact he's got a solid baseline kit means he's not struggling when nerfs come knocking. Either way it doesn't stop the complaints.
Often Anglo (Okay the bits running thin) players take themselves seriously, whether you should depends, and depends alot. But he does inevitably attract edgelords, assholes, and blowhards.

Exalted

Exalted Andros tend to hold themselves in high regard but at the same time tend to suck, they bought this skin since it was cheap and with it are often not that great.

Imperator

So imperator is basically the same as exalted in looks but it does have the caveat that it's actually not as readily available which means someone has to make a active choice to run this, these guys are pretty much more for simplicity and class over complexity and fancy stuff, this means you'll see them play pretty good Andro where they'll stick to the stuff that works rather than flashy montage worthy stuff, they can do these but they more prefer understated competency over flashy nonsense.

Screech

This is a hat that actually has a stereotype since it's not apart of a chest it's from the deal of the day that makes a difference to who is using it. These guys are mostly raging blowhards, they think they're gods at the game but they're not as good as they believe, like antlers they say crap but not enough to get banned. This changes to just normal tryhards when they get their hands on shattermaw, almost every Andro with this skin and shattermaw are more interested in shitting on you and moving on to the next, they really only do really good in casuals without comms, but they can get work done in ranked.

Cangaceiro

Okay so this guy either uses the Shatter Maw and same deal as Screech Andro's or they run they Huntsman's gun and if you get to talk to them in a party or something they'll cry about how the pirate skins in Paladins Strike aren't ported over to paladins. It's weird and it's specific. They do tend to be nicer and less serious than Screech Andros.

Huntsman

These are the most average Andro's in existence, they certainly exist but they're not too interesting all considering. They're not bad or good, or particularly toxic or nice or anything like that, they just exist.

Steam Demon

I mean there's a Young Frankenstein joke to be made here. But Andro's running the steam demon skin tend to be uptight and expect people to carry their own weight... Of course the chance they tend to mess up they go silent, they're not rude perse but they sure do expect a lot.

Fallen

These are the guys who listened to Nightcore- Angel with a shotgun too much and will be very melodramatic, and tend to be almost always a downer for the team, they do clutch up though so something to be said.

Battlesuit Godslayer

No one really uses this skin if they have others, really this skin doesn't sell the gundam vibes the others do maybe it's because of his waistcost flowing back there but really he just looks like a guy in a robot suit

Steelforged/Dragonforged

These Andros are just as dramatic as Fallen Andros but they seem to be in on the joke and often will more be self aware, they will be playing like some viking bagpipe metal music so it's not all good with them.

Avatar

These guys probably blame their support and will unironically quots the skin, not realizing it's making fun of them. They also probably are tickled by the fact it looks likr a Xbox 360

Modded

Now often with battlepass skins their recolours are basically the same stereotype normally but for Modded these guys have basically brain rotten themselves down to the same level with their obsession with RGB lights.

Exterminate

Yeah another skin no one uses really, unless they're really interested in the cat in his backpack otherwise it's just not really a great skin since it's just a guy in a dragon ball z kai uniform without the cool ass powers and literal royalty free music.

Grave Danger

This is Kinda like omen it's not as self aware but it's hard to take this skin more seriously than default and these guys tend to be chill but it's a newer skin so it's not exactly like there's room to have a stereotype yet, which is fair but still other skins still have stereotypes that formed same day as their release.

Golden

Now it's rare that a gold skin that doesn't change something about a character shows up but this is widespread since every Andro on earth who runs this will almost always have a bloated ego, whether it's 50 or 550 these guys are super quick to be offended and will tunnel the shit out of you for just about anything.

Ash

Ash is weirdly uncommon despite being free, probably because everyone is running at point with her and she basically loses that engagement to every proper point tank, she is a offtank first and foremost after all.
As for stereotypes there is a few thing that I've noticed with Ash's (Ashes? Ashs? Ash players) First is if they're running the default voice pack even with other skins they're definitely offtanking.
And another oddity is the Ash mains that have more than one skin tend to never properly match their weapons and skins up, it's weird but every other Ash main I see runs a different weapon and skin.

Heirloom Crest

So I bring this hat up because unlike anyone else with a hat skin no one wears this, honestly it should just come with a different version of Ronin but really this is the exception to the hatskin rule, these guys are just new players who got it from a chest and felt justified in using it because they spent crystals on a chest.

Ronin

Ronin Ash players kinda just suck, it can be a matter of many different things as to why these guys struggle, they could suck at shooting people, they could be bad at positioning, trying to point tank, they're using their abilities at shit times, they could be great with all of that and still they'll have a terrible deck and talents.
These guys just suck

Xenobuster

Xenobuster Ash players tend to run into fights they shouldn't and lose, this more or less comes from the overuse of shoulder bash, otherwise they're probably running knock back spam, they're most likely to be found on TDM Throne or Abyss trying to wait around corners to throw you off. They will go spastic if you buy sentinel.

Street Style

These guys are meatheats, they're less interested in actually capturing the point and more just want teamfights, the objective and space are biproducts, as such you'll see these guys with really selfish buys, and decks, and they'll steal kills with slugshot, they're not doing it intentionally but they are rude.

Ska'Drin

Ska'Drin Ash players often properly play Ash as offtank and for the most part are good sports, it's nice enough at least when these guys are working with you, they will probably ask for someone to point tank while they do their thing.

Scorned

Another recolour with a different stereotype, these guys are also playing Ash as offtanks but their also raging assholes, and will bitch and moan from just about anything, whether it's their fault or not they'll yell at their team, though at the same time they are probably making space, and do their job well enough

Draconian Huntress

As mentioned earlier Ash mains tend to be rather rare, and the amount of people who'd go out of their way for this skin is rarer, these guys pretty much are guaranteed to be Ash mains or at the very least skin collectors. As for gameplay it's hard to say since I've seen like 4 people use this skin

Atlas

Atlas mains are pretty much obsessed with telling you they're Atlas mains it's like telling people you don't play fortnite or something. Like good on you mate, but I and I'm pretty sure most of the world don't really care. Skill ranges wildly and skins for the most part don't really change that.

Chronomancer

So uh this skin no one uses, you'll more likely find a Atlas running default with this Skin's gun, it's weird it's specific and I have no idea why it's like this... Oh yeah because Atlas looks awful without a beard.

Legionnaire

So Legionnaire Atlas is kinda a situation like Grave Danger Andro mostly because the skin again looks kind of goofy, though for the effort put into it, it's at least nice. Still these guys take themselves just as seriously as the skin does.

Corrupt/Vile

Most of these guys just suck like sure there's bound to be a good Corrupt or Vile Atlas out there but every one I've seen just sucks. It's a bloody shame since they're nice skins.

Azaan

Azaan doesn't really have too many skins to talk about but at the same time most people aren't exactly Azaan mains he's kind of a back pocket kind of champion.

Forgemaster

These guys actually main Azaan, and they're quick to get defensive on why they pick the shirtless Azaan skin

Dark Drake

I don't get how anyone understands this skin, it's so garbled and just nonsense, there's no real stereotype but I did find out that this skin has the same voice actor as Freddy Fazbear...

Barik

Again Barik mains are a rarity and, nost of the time I only really see last/bottom picks grabbing Barik and doing really nothing all game but cry about their team not carrying them.

Hi-Tek/Stonecut

If a champion has access to their pre-reworks skins and in general just older skins they're often on the cheaper side and really are just bought by newbies due to this, that's really it outside of the odd end nastolgia tripper.

Team Fortress 2

So you get this skin in a way that's similar to promotional recolours, and it's more or less exclusive to steam, it's a safe bet that a TF2 Barik is new at the game and on steam, that's it.

Swashbuckler

Pirate skins often invite people into running teams of pirates skins, outside of that Swashbuckler Bariks tend to more or less the point jockey they live on the point they die on the point.

Steel/Dragon Forged Barik

This guy listens to diggy diggy hole and probably runs some stupid deck that relies on a gimmick these guys are here for fun and will probably do something cool, maybe?

Betty

Betty is new-ish and so she only has the one skin, Betty kinda is the easy version of both Willo and Dredge without the impact of either, this means Betty attracts bad players.

Dragonette

Bowsette meme aside this is Betty's only real skin and so it's kinda broad to say anything but I assume once she gets something else it'll attract... A certain audience.
So yeah 5 champs, feel free to suggest anything for future champions I'll probably see or agree with them.

DISCLAIMER This is nothing more than my opinions based off of observation of recovery content from five different platforms. There are likely things that I have missed, gotten wrong, or you disagree with and I am open to discuss that. ALSO, I am in recovery myself(not recovered), so I apologise if any of this appears to be disordered.
It is so horrible that social media must now serve as a platform for the theatrics of eating disorders, it is so highly disturbing. It certainly adds another layer of complexity to the illnesses, as those who have never sought attention for their disorder are taunted to by whoever promotes it on social media. I wish that governments would take this as a sign that more awareness of EDs are needed, but they are never even mentioned.
Treatment NEEDS to adapt to the effects of social media, and needs to stop encouraging those who are discharged to create recovery accounts (I have heard stories of this.)
These poor girls and boys are literally killing themselves in front of an audience, one that is uneducated and unaware of what their response to that content may have on the creator.
Furthermore, the constantly recurring posts of ‘symptoms of EDs that are never spoken about’ are almost always the most common, however that is not what angers me. What angers me is that awareness of eating disorders is so low, despite the fact that social media has made it easier than ever for organisations to spread a message. If awareness of the effects of eating disorders was raised, recovery creators would have no reason to be the awareness themselves. Many recovery accounts use the excuse that they create their content for others to not feel alone, which should NEVER be the responsibility of the sufferers. Those who have recovered or are treatment providers, who have the mental capacity and flexibility to recognise the true effects of their eating disorder should be the voice regarding ED awareness. Those who are still in their eating disorder, no matter how far in recovery they are- until they can confidently announce that they are recovered and their behaviour constantly reflects that (not just 90% of the time), they should not be trying to spread awareness. Most of us in this sub have suffered from an ED, and know that posts can be ‘ED-coded’ subconsciously and unintentionally, in a way that only other disordered individuals may perceive.
Finally, I believe that the transformation videos, i.e. before and after, regardless of body checks, can actually do more damage to those who are not already suffering than recognised. These videos also do damage to those with eating disorders with less ‘severity’. For those who are not disordered, these videos can almost make them feel as though they must suffer in that same way so that they can achieve that utmost happiness in life, similarly to how many EDs may promise recovery after a certain milestone. Whilst I can understand reaping the benefits of recovery is obviously helpful as an oversight, it majorly depends on the content provided as to whether or not it will cause more harm or help.
PS: I will likely edit this as responses come through, as I am very curious to see other people’s opinions and annoyances.

Author’s note : Everything’s free to use and monetize or paywall as you wish, just remember to credit me please. As I’m not a native English speaker, you can feel free to make slight changes to make it better, as long as it doesn’t change the whole story of course.
Summary, listener’s perspective : Your partner went grocery shopping a long time ago and you’re calling them to check up on them. Apparently a lot of things happened and stressed them a little too much, but they got help and they’ll finish it to prove to you they can handle it.
[ ] = stage directions
** = sound effects
[The speaker is at the supermarket wandering around, feel free to put crowd sounds, riding the cart etc… through all the script]
*Phone ringing\*
Uhm… Hello? Who is this?
You should be mistaken, I don’t have a girlfriend.
Yes. That’s my name. How… Oh. Wait. Did I… ?
Ah fuck…
Yes, we’re fine Ma’am. Don’t sound so worried.
I understand but…
Ma’am…
Oh! Shut up for a minute!
Too many questions. So, I don’t know. I guess we’re shopping since I have a cart in front of me and we seem to be… In a supermarket..
Yeah, so why are you asking if you already know we were supposed to go grocery shopping!
Whatever… No, I don’t know which one… They’re all the same honestly… Let me walk around to see if I can identify something…
[Speaker is walking around for a few second without saying anything]
…
[Speaker is stopping, they tone changed]
Hello?
Hi baby!! How are you doing? Why are you calling? Or did I call you?
Oh you did? Why?
Yes, it’s me. What’s wrong?
Oh… Really?
I’m sorry. But it’s fine, I promise.
I know baby but…
Why do you want to come? I can do this!
No I mean alone! I prepared a list and all, I can’t forget anything!
Uhm… wait.. Let me search for it…
[Speaker is searching in their bag]
Where did I put it…
Damn..
[Speaker is getting quieter]
…
[Back to the first tone of voice]
Ok. Ma’am. I don’t know where we are, really.. But it’ll be fine. We’re just going to finish this and go back home.
A list? Yes, I have one in my hand, it’s alright, please calm down.
I know, I can sense them around, they’re not far. It’s alright.
Oh god…
Ok… Toilet paper… Sexy…
Where is that…
[Speaker is walking again, searching for the stuff on the list]
Uhm… Ok, there we are… That’s done and then some soap…
Well, I’m staying with you on the phone because you seem completely panicked. So I’m showing you we got this.
Look… I don’t know what exactly happened that triggered it… But we’re alone in a big space full of strangers. Doing something important. I’m guessing that it’s a lot of stress for them and they needed me… It’ll be alright though.
Yeah, of course they’ll tell you they can do it. I’m sure they believe they can. And I’m sure they wanted to impress you and make you proud. But sometimes it’s fine to ask for help too.
Not like that! You don’t have to come, I’m here now. I got this. You don’t even know where we are. And you’re not going to come with your car. Have you not seen the price for gas?
I might not be around often but I keep an eye on the news.
Why do we need so many strawberries?
Uhm… I’m taking bananas too, I like that better.
[Speaker is getting quiet again, just walking]
…
[Change of tone, back to the partner one]
Baby? Are you here?
Yes, it’s me, I’m back. How did the cart fill itself?
Who?
Ohhh… But.. I could have.. I can do it!
I… There was this lady… She was searching for something and asked me. I didn’t know… I don’t know this place very well…
I don’t know why I didn’t go to the usual place!
Oh wait… They were out of gas! To put on the car. Did you see the price now?!
Oh… ok…
They might have seen it then… Yeah… I guess.. It was stressful because I didn’t know what to do. Where to go.. To get it.
Oh. I continued driving for a while… Because I… kinda froze. And I couldn’t park to look with the gps where to go… Well.. I could have! But.. Brain was silly and I couldn’t do it..
After a while I saw a sign for another supermarket and I followed it. I guess that’s where I am now.
What’s that noise?
Baby! It’s alright! You don’t have to come! I can do it! Especially if I’m not alone anymore. I mean.. I have help, we’ll do this!
I swear! There are not many more things on the list anyway. We can do this!
Wait… Why are there bananas here? I don’t like them. I’m going to put it back.
[Speaker is walking back to the fruits to put the bananas back!]
Alright. That’s done. So what’s left?
Some juices… It's on the other way. What else? Eggs, butter…
Ok! Let’s go!
It should be around here… Yes, got it! Then… That shouldn’t be far…
[Speaker is switching again]
…
Uhm… What the hell… Why am I here… What’s on the list? Eggs… How many… Hey! Ma’am? Still here?
Good, how many eggs do you want?
Alright, I got them.. What’s left? Juices… It’s on the other side… Wait! Where are my bananas!
I don’t care if they don’t like them! I do! I front sometimes! I can have things I like too! That’s not cool to only think of themselves!
I mean… That’s a fair point… But… I can’t know when I’ll be here! I’m here now.. And I want bananas…
What if I just took 1 or 2? Not too much, won’t be expensive!
Thank you, you’re kind. Crazy. But kind.
Have you not seen how you reacted earlier?! You *are* crazy!
I told you we’re fine. I bet they told you too. Have a little faith in us.
Yeah yeah… I understand… But honestly, we’ll tell you if it was that bad. We’re handling it quite well so far. Yes, a moment was overwhelming. And I had to come. But now we’re doing well.
Oh by the way! How do we pay? By card?
Do you know the code? In case that’s me in front when we’re at the checkout…
Alright, noted.
No not really, like in my head.
Really girl… I can memorize 4 digits!
Alright, alright… Give me a minute..
[Searching in the bag to get a pen and a piece of paper]
…
[Back to the partner tone]
I’m listening…
Uhm…. Baby, I know the code of my own card… Why do you want me to write it down?
Oh… Well, I just have the juices to get now. I think it’ll be fine.
Yeah… I’ll write it down anyway, just in case. I’m putting it on my right pocket, ok? You’ll tell them if they’re here and search for it?
Thank you baby. And…. I’m sorry about this… I wanted to do this…
I don’t know… To prove I’m capable..
I know. I am but it was just… A little too much I guess… I don’t think it would have happened if I could have gone to our usual place…
It’s alright though! I’ve got the juices! I have everything now. I’m going to the checkout and I’m coming home.
I’ll have to hang up while I’m paying.
Yes, I’ll call you back right after.
I promise. You’re the one who will call me if I don’t anyway!
Yeah, if you have to that means it’s probably not me on the other end…
But I’m not far away, baby, I’m not leaving. It was just too much for one time…
Oh yes, I’d love that! Thank you!
Yes yes! I’ll hurry up!
Love you too baby!

Based on your experiences and wisdom internet strangers, how should I approach this because I have feelings for her? Should I tell her, or back off?
TL;DR is that I think I might be getting hints and clues that this girl I know may have feelings for me, but graduation is in a few weeks, and the parting of ways is inevitable.
There is this girl who I have recently, in the past year and a half or so, gotten to know well. I live in a town across the valley from hers, and we are both 18, being seniors in separate high schools. We have been texting each other for what almost felt like daily or multiple times a week well since the beginning of the summer before our senior year, and have not lost any momentum. I don’t always initiate conversation, as she likes to spark conversations through texting, whether it’s the most recent adventure, anecdote, or cake she baked, I’m not talking to a wall. We also talk in person whenever we can. When we see each other at weekly church meetings, she always tries to sit next to me, or does so when she can, and since I tried out track this year, each meet our schools are both at, we both without asking each other, watch each others events and cheer each other on, and we talk just about anything and everything. I think her parents and family like me pretty well, and I have a good relationship with them, and my family adores her. The problem is where I think I stand with her.
That problem is exemplified by the fact that our graduations our quickly creeping up on us, and we’re going to be parting ways as I’m moving to a bordering state in the middle of the summer, and not too long after will be serving a 2 year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints all the way down in Mexico in late August. However, I’d be surprised to be “Dear John’d” as she is also going to serve a mission for our church before going to university, and is waiting to have her finished papers submitted. The timing would be perfect, as by the time she gets done with her mission, I’d be back home from mine oddly enough. We are also thinking about different universities which we both got accepted to, for me, USU and BYU Provo, for her BYU-I. The nice thing about the mission is that it’s like a 2 year gap-year, so if anything were to happen and be set into motion, we could try to go to the same school after. But I’m wondering if the fact that we are thinking about different schools and that I’m moving will make her fret if she does feel anything for me.
Some final preface is that we’ve been to homecoming together our junior year and that’s when our relationship kind of started. I also asked her to my senior prom in a fun, personal way for her, and she wasn’t weird about it, and was genuinely excited for it, saying yes, and that she was suspecting that I would ask her. We had a great time together and with the group we were with. When we took pictures with everyone, the photographer who was a mom asked our group to walk towards her for some cool shots, and for the couples to hold hands while doing so. Me being unsure and shy, didn’t grab her hand, but she sure grabbed mine and totally locked fingers with me (Mormon first base lol). At the dance, we slow danced to every song we could, when she wanted to, and I tried my best to match her energy the whole time (as a person who can’t dance, and is kind of introverted in stark comparison to her extroverted extreme nature). I later learned from my mom from her mom that she noticed and made mention of that, how I matched her energy intentionally. Afterwards, when it was time to go home and drop her off, I walked her to the door and she gave me what I can only describe in my mind as an intimate hug, which has happened between us before as well.
I’m leaning on the edge of her liking me back (rare glass half full view for me personally) because of a bunch of specific instances that blur the line of friendship between us, making it feel like we are more than just friends, and I’ll share a few key ones: (Sorry for making it look like a police report, that’s just the way my mind operates)
Exhibit A: On prom, I told her about the fact that I was moving in the middle of the summer because I needed to tell her in person, and it needed to come from me (weird time to tell someone that), but if I didn’t, she would’ve found out otherwise through town and church gossip. I was met with an immediate sad response, but that was quickly washed away and we had fun at the dance. What’s interesting is what she texted me after the fact: “What if we never see each other again…Sorry this is just crazy I'm going crazy I hate change and not sleeping so guna go to bed before this becomes a what if I die moments.”
Exhibit B: There are instances where I think she is trying to flirt with me, one of them being a response to me saying that I’m going to be somewhere where she thinks she’s going. The response in question was “I’m going now for sure [winky emoji, laughing emoji]”
Exhibit C: I have received 3 hugs from her that have stuck with me, and we’re all pretty intimate. Once after I gave her a meaningful gift after one of her favorite livestock she was taking care of died, which was pure luck and chance as I got a hat for her with a gag signature from my uncle called “the pig whisperer” which I was planning to give to her not as a cheering up gift, because I didn’t know her animal died. And once after I got my mission call, and once after dropping her off back at her house after Prom as mentioned before.
I don’t want to ruin our relationship because I value her a lot as a friend, but I think I’m seeing something more, and I don’t want to regret not doing anything.
Sorry for the long story, just looking for experienced insights. I don’t want to be “…falling in love as she’s walking away,” haha. Thank you for reading through my plight, and for those of you who respond.

Hello everyone at GiftofGames, how are you all doing!!
I recently graduated from college and I'm struggling to find a job. It's really demoralising for me receiving rejection letters, I'm a big gamer and playing games is the only thing that has kept my morale up during these tough times. My financial situation is pretty dire right now, I can't afford to buy a lot of new games.
I'm currently looking to buy Horizon Forbidden West on my PS5. This is my 22nd attempt at requesting for this game. I played the first game on my PS4 and loved it. The standard edition of the game is currently on sale at $49.99. I'm looking for a $50 PlayStation gift card of US region.
GAME SUMMARY
The sequel to 2017's Horizon Zero Dawn, Horizon Forbidden West is set in a post-apocalyptic version of the Western United States recovering from the aftermath of an extinction event caused by a rogue robot swarm. The player can explore the open world and complete quests using ranged and melee weapons against hostile machine creatures.
Basically the game takes place in the far future where humanity almost gets destroyed by their advanced robotic creations. But it seems humanity have sort of gone backwards with their primitive clothing, implying that they haven't got the previous knowledge of their ancestors. The first game Horizon Zero Dawn, the protagonist Aloy discovers secrets about what happened to humanity, and its sequel is the continuation of this first game where she explores the far west of modern day america.
WHY I'M INTERESTED
The reason why this game appeals to me is the setting. I find it soo interesting how humanity was able to be on the brink of extinction and somehow managed to survive (I can't anymore due to spoilers). And after surviving, civilisation sort of went backwards instead of continuing on from the ancestors. I watch a lot of lore videos on youtube about this game, and there are many different stories hidden in the game world which tells us different perspectives of people on the situation. Even though its humanity that is in trouble, everybody has a different view on how to tackle the problem. But this is only touching the surface, there is also the robot machines created in these giant cauldrons that is a big mystery to this day.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and will give my thanks if I receive the gift card from you. Here is my PSN ID: https://psnprofiles.com/Revelanttech713
Game link: https://www.playstation.com/en-us/games/horizon-forbidden-west/

I guess there's only so many times one can try this... Maybe this is the last time before the next time? :D
Caring, considerate and affectionate guy here. Looking for someone who is most of the time devil may care but can be super serious if need be. This is how I am. Super fun but not wreckless!
I'm open for it to be casual but would prefer something that at least has the potential to become more. As long as it is stated I'm happy for it to stay casual, so we both know what bus we are getting on.
IT guy by day and musician by night. Mostly guitar and sing but I play piano and drums also. So musical people definitely have an advantage but not vital.
I'm interesting and funny (I like to think so and have been complimented many times). My friends would describe me as caring, considerate and honest. I'm also in very good shape. No dad bods here, sorry to disappoint. People never believe my age when I tell them.
I'd like you to be on reasonable shape or at least working towards it. Sorry it's just my preference. Have interesting enough conversation in you. I'm very good at leading it but I can't be attracted to just a pretty shell.
I'm not much for online dating, the idea of people posting almost pseudo photos of themselves to raise the statistics are laughable. But no risk no reward.
Let's see how many actually get in touch. Real people that is. If you take a chance to chat and get to know me I promise you won't be disappointed. Just friends is totally ok too, we can just see how it goes. I'm a good guy :D
Open to anyone 18+ as long as you don't mind my age. I always get mistaken to be in my early 20s.
If you are someone who wants to be adored, admired and worshipped please get in touch.
Location can be trivial, more than willing to chat to people in other countries. Let me know what your favourite Pixar movie is and why. Maybe also include what your warning label would be if you had one?
P.S. Please do not respond if you don't have the EQ or courtesy to be honest. No ghosting also. Please respect this fully.

Welcome to the romancelandia daily reader chat, where we build community, talk books, or just chat.
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Here's our guide on community norms and posting.
What goes in the daily reading chat, you ask? We like chatting about romance books, and we also like to build community, so the daily reading chat isn't incredibly strict about content, exactly. Don't be shy!
Where to start? Some ideas:

• Random musings about romance
• Books you're looking forward to
• What you're reading now
• Book sales and deals
• Television and movies
• Good books that aren't romance
• Questions for the group at large
• Smashing the kyriarchy in daily life
• Encourage other commenters who have good ideas to start a new post!

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• Discussing a book? Please include content warnings or anything else you think a potential reader needs to consider before reading and don't forget to mark your spoilers.
• Not sure how to use spoiler tags? Just do this: >!spoiler text!<
• Would your fairly-in-depth book discussion comment or romance-reading observation make a good post? Probably! But in case you're not sure, check out our guide with post examples: Posting on Romancelandia: It doesn't have to be a dissertation.

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Are you new here?? Introduce yourself! This month's prompt for newbies is; What is a book high you've yet to get over?

do you want your own free iwiigi custom sub? before i started just using one homemade sub, i was a devout iwiigi user. however i realised that in most of her subs it just seemed like a string of affirmations under masking noise - no layers, or anything else that would make replicating her subs hard. i think the simplicity is really the reason why her subs work so well; she doesn't mess around with layers or too-loud music. 432Hz Small Upper Body! I think in this patreon sub she forgot to lower the volume enough, so you can clearly hear how its just regular simple affirmations under the sound. (if not, just keep increasing your volume. youll hear it.)
now, the great news? you can have your own dream iwiigi paid sub, and itll take you about as long as you need to write the affs!
432hz Deep Brown Noise in HD Stereo ( 1 Hour ) (youtube.com) Here is the brown noise that i think she uses - you can test it by playing it right after most of her subs and you'll see that its the same audio.
then just use ttsmaker.com to make your affs. choose a voice -i like voice 23, Jennifer - speed it up slightly - i do 1.75x or 2x - and then find some way to play it under the brown noise. since im on a laptop, i just play the affirmation file on loop while the brown noise plays in another tab. I can hear loud whispers, and every once in a while i catch a word. i prefer to listen to my sub while doing something else e.g. homework so that i can increase the volume of the affs so it more clearly enters my subconcious. i do recommend using it like this if you have a laptop, because adjusting the volume of the affs seperately to the volume of the brown noise is so useful in terms of adapting your subs to fit you day-to-day.
if you want to add the brown noise to the affs to make a new video, i recommend using capcut and then copy-pasting the aff file (should be like 1-3 minutes) over and over so that the brown noise isnt stopping and starting every minute or so along with the affs.
oh, and i get that some people cant be bothered, so i have a youtube playlist with a bunch of her patreon subs if anyone wants it. just keep in mind that making your own sub means you can have whatever affs you want, and you never have to worry about waking up one day to the 'some videos in this playlist have been hidden' notif. kisses! xx

If you aren't interested in reading another "I hate hearthstone post" just move along. This is the last time I'm posting or reading anything to do with this game and I'm posting this as closure and as a diary entry of sorts. I've already uninstalled this game on every device. This isn't a cry for help, I'm doing it publicly because I've found myself reading a lot of posts like this one lately and they have all been helpful in me quitting this game. And that's what it is... just a game. (I'm telling myself this, not patronizing you).
I've been playing off and on since beta. I'm a "wild Paladin" player. Every time I play, I play for a couple months and then I uninstall...a year or year(s) passes by, and I play again for a couple months. I've only ever had one goal- reach legend. Every time I play, I reach the equivalent of Diamond 2ish. I say equivalent because the rank systems used to be different. Getting to low diamond is so much fun...and then I hit a wall and I can't get past diamond 2. I've created so many iterations of the deck I use (I use a control paladin deck, it's totally original) This is 3 months in a row for me this time around.
There are many reasons why I'm completely burned out on this game and why I need to make this post to remind myself NEVER to install it again...when I get the urge to install, I will reference this post.

1. My first mistake was choosing Paladin all those years ago. My entire collection is Paladin. Generally speaking, It's just a shit class.

a. The hero power just flat sucks. It should cost 1 mana, not 2.
b. Majority of cards are designed around a combo of some kind- mainly buffing a minion. Problem is, you need to have a minion to buff it...which is too slow. Everything relies on the board... which is a joke these days.
c. The OTK (Ebon Uther) has got to be one of the worst, if not the worst in comparison to other classes OTK's. You are forced to basically play a specific deck to use it, it's not a "stand alone" OTK card that you can just slide into your custom control deck... you need like 4-6 additional combo cards to make it viable, which means your netdecking if you want to use it. All decks pretty much have to have an OTK now unless they are ultra aggro...which means you can forget about anything other than some braindead netdeck like "Even Pally"... which the ladder sniffs out 3 days after it's posted online.

1. Every time I load up a match, I find myself tensing up immediately. cringing at the thought of playing against:

a. Shadow priest, who just outvalues all my cards and then "steals" or "copies" them to add insult to injury.
b. Rogue, whom I dominate in every facet of the game (while I watch rope as they pull all of their cards by turn 4) just to have him kill me by drawing infinite 4 damage to hero cards until I die...regardless of if I'm full 40 health or not.
c. Warlock, whom I dominate in every facet of the game just to have him kill me by drawing infinite card exhaust damage that goes to me instead of him... regardless of if I'm full 40 health or not.
d. Shaman, shudderwock. I find myself laughing out loud at how ridiculous it is... and not like a good hearty laugh... like one of those maniacal demented laughs where you're just in disbelief of what you are watching.
e. Mage. Pretty much any mage, but especially secret Mage. I find myself wondering if people create the most inconsiderate and annoying decks possible on purpose to get people to concede... well I'm here to say, it's working... I concede.
d. Location cards, non-interactive cards (like auras), copy some minion a million times, freeze the board a million times, then copy the minion who freezes the board a million times. Infinite discover cards, which are copied into more infinite discover cards. Watching my opponents play until rope every turn.

1. Then I realize...it's not the decks. It's not the people. It's not even the game. It's me. It doesn't matter what I load up or who I play, I get mad, I feel like the game itself has conspired against me at every turn... but especially on "rank up" games. I NEVER get the favorable match up, I NEVER get the right card draw, my opponent ALWAYS has the advantage and I'm ALWAYS playing from behind. The truth is, it was over before it started...I just didn't realize I was tilted until I've lost 70% of my games. The truth is... I'm ALWAYS titled when I play this game. It just pisses me off. I'll never be good enough to reach legend and the truth is...why should I even care? This game has brought nothing but rage and frustration. And when I go to install it again 3 years from now because I've forgotten all about all these little details...this diary entry will remind me and spare me the grief.

That said, good luck to the rest of you and I sincerely apologize if I've sent you hate messages for playing "cheating" or "annoying" decks... you were just playing the game as it was designed...and I hope you find what you're looking for.

I (25 NB) met my friend (26 NB) at work, we have the same position at work and usually end up paired with each other. We get along great and have a lot of similar interests. I’ve given them rides home from work a lot cause we live near each other, and I thought we’d developed a strong friendship. They’ve worked at the company a little longer than I have, I’ve been working there since August. We’ve only been friends really since Januaryish when I got promoted.
Anyways they kept requesting we hang out together outside of work, I didn’t see this as odd because we’ve hung out together outside of work as a friend group, I have many friends at my job and we usually do group outings or parties, so it wasn’t odd to me that they wanted to hang out. The day they wanted to go out, none of my roommates were available to go with. 2 out of 3 of my roommates (25 M, 23 F and 25 M) work at the same business. So I went with them on my own, they seemed ecstatic that it was just the 2 of us. I picked them up and we initially just planned to go to the mall. We walked around, talked, bought stuff and eventually had lunch.
They kept staring at me which I found awkward but figured because we’re both autistic that I was uncomfortable with the eye contact or they just happen to make a lot of eye contact. They also keep walking really close to me and “accidentally” bumping my hand. After the mall they still wanted to hang out so we went to the thrift store and had a lot of fun making fun of the silly knick knacks, we both love Fallout New Vegas so they were looking for a jacket that looked like Benny Geckos from the game.
After that they still wanted to keep hanging out, at this point I was pretty tired but figured we were having fun. It’s hard for me to say no, and I use a cane for chronic pain so I usually need to take a frequent number of breaks which we hadn’t done yet but they hadn’t picked up that I was tired yet. I was having fun and at this point they did apologize about keeping me out for so long, I said it’s ok because I like long friendship hangout days, which is not a lie, my body just doesn’t enjoy it as much.
Next we went to get boba and they bought me a drink, at this point they had paid for none of my stuff, we split the food earlier and I lightheartedly threatened them to not spend money on me. When we were in the boba shop, they once again kept staring and moving their hand towards mine. I deterred this because it made me uncomfortable by talking with my hands which I usually do anyways. They were nice and listened to me infodump to them about tmnt (tmnts my special interest) but still continued their staring. I kept getting in my head that they were just being nice and I was ruining things thinking that they had ulterior motives.
I forgot to mention that they have a boyfriend (27 M), but they had offhandingly mentioned that they were poly. We then went to a gaming shop to look at dnd and pathfinder stuff, I had to pee incredibly badly at this point but they ignored my subtle pleas to leave, which understandably was my fault as I said I could hold it at the boba shop.
At this point I’m exhausted and in a lot of pain so I suggested we end our hang out after finding a bathroom. They still insisted on hanging out longer so I suggested they come to my apartment cause at this point I’d run out of stuff for us to do. This is where things got a bit uncomfy. My roommates were all home at this point but all left briefly to go pick up food. My roommate who I share a room with requested I don’t bring my friend into our room while she was in there, but gave me the go ahead to show them our room once she and my other roommates left to get their food.
I like showing my friends my collections whenever they come over so I saw no inappropriate reason to do the same. I have some Dnd, Fallout and Tmnt stuff I wanted to show them. I did my normal showing off my stuff thing. At some point I walked them over to my desk to show them my figurines, my desk is in a corner by my closet and bed so you can only go up to it from 1 side, I talked for a bit and noticed I was cornered. I have past trauma and hate being cornered, I kept making attempts to hint that I wanted to get out of the corner but they stayed firmly in place, even leaning with their hand on my desk to further block me in which I thought was strange.
Eventually I manage to slip by them by saying I wanted to show them my shelf on the opposite side of the room. The shelf is lower and next to my bed so I sit down to point things out. They then ask if they can sit down as well. I say yes and they proceed to sit down directly next to me, our thighs are touching firmly and they lean in on my bed with their arm behind me. I’m once again cornered and panicked now. I have a thing with my thighs where I HATE anyone touching them, it causes a violent reaction, my brain screams at me to bite, punch or claw anyone who touches them, I feel sick and absolutely enraged whenever it happens. I’ve been SAed in the past but even before that I had that reaction, my therapist says it might be a trauma response from childhood that I don’t remember.
I didn’t want to hurt them and luckily I have the violent outbursts completely under control so I just stiffened up and internalized the rage while trying to steady my breathing. They obviously know nothing about my trauma because we haven’t been friends for very long. So I continue talking about my 2003 rerelease tmnt figures and let them continue to touch me while trying not to cry.
Luckily my roommates return, and I immediately get up and leave my room to greet them. At this point I’m incredibly uncomfortable and wanted them out. But I felt bad if I suddenly kicked them out and I also was their ride. We decided to watch a movie in the living room, I sat in the couch corner and they decided to lay down on the rest of the couch while leaning up near me. One of my roommates picked up on the vibe and decided to join us for the movie, the other two sat at the table where you can still see the tv to eat their food since there was no room on the couch.
I decided to crochet during the movie to help ease my nerves. Every once in a while during the movie I could see them staring at me. Once the movie was over I offered to take them home. When I dropped them off they asked if they could hug me, I gave them a nervous sure, when they hugged me they put their nose into the crook of my neck which gave me the ick.
I’m not sure if it’s just me but I hate whenever I want a friend or just want to hang out with a friend and they turn it into something more without asking me! I’ve been notoriously “manic pixie dream girled” my entire life and I’m sick of it. If you want to go out with me just make your intentions known and ask me on a date! I wouldn’t have said yes but I think they knew that and felt the need to trick me instead.
I’m also incredibly turned off by the fact that their boyfriend just had surgery for appendicitis and is also about to have top surgery this week too and instead of caring for him they’re trying to get into my pants.
The whole situation feels icky and I’m so sad cause I thought I found a cool friend. They’re trying to get me to hang out with them again (even though their boyfriend is having top surgery) and I told them I have therapy and college dumpster diving on my days off this week and they’re trying to get me to work around those.
I just want some advice, am I in the wrong for feeling weird around them now or should I see how this plays out. I usually stick to dating women and other nonbinary people so they’re technically in the range of people I can potentially be attracted to but idk. I haven’t been interested in dating a lot lately cause I’ve been working through my trauma in therapy for the past year. My roommates also thought the whole situation was strange and uncomfortable. My roommate also asked if she had ever done anything like that to make me uncomfortable (she’s also amab like my friend), I reassured her she had never done that and that I feel very safe with her.

I don't really no where to start. I feel I've lost myself, consumed with anxiety and guilt and fear and regret and I fear, this new fear, that it's going to be the end of me if I don't start to get it out in some way, shape or form.
I guess I'll begin at the beginning...
​
I had a difficult childhood with fairly neglectful parents. A mother who openly expressed she never felt she really stepped into her mom shoes until she gave birth to my younger sister, who is three years younger than me. She is my only sibling. My mother told me when I was a kid that she "had to love me", but when my sister came around "she was finally a mother and over the moon", or simply "I always always wanted a girl". I'm not sure if this could be attributed to Post-partum depression, not that she ever researched that or was daignosed with it. That's probably just me trying to pardon my mother or something to the effect. She was 17 when she had me and I'm sure times were different then, my parents both were raised religious, father christian, mother mormon. Maybe their guilt. I ask myself why they brought me into this world if I wasn't wanted to begin with. Or, give me up for adoption to a set of guardians that would have loved me better. I know I was an accident and that's not what gets me down, I get that life be lifing and what happened happened. My difficulties stem from the feeling that my presence never gave my mother any sense of purpose, responsibility or love, or concern. She was emotionally unavailable to me virtually my entire life and I feel like that caused many issues later in my life and how I perceive myself and what I deserve. Coupled with the fact that my neglect met such extremes that I am frankly shocked that I was never picked up by child care services, maybe things were different in the 90's. I'm not sure, I was just a child then.
Much of my upbringing I didn't receive a lot of the things most people would consider essential. As a baby my crib was the sock drawer, then I grew large enough to have a closet, then slept on the floor of a walk-in closet, then I had a single bed from what I recall for maybe a year or maybe two years and I remember feeling metal springs poke me in the my ribs and I recall it being uncomfortable enough for me to move back to sleeping on the floor next to the ratty old used mattress my father found from who knows where. I remember feeling like I had to keep that secret, that the mattress they gave me was uncomfortable enough for me to sneak sleeping on the floor next to it. I think I was really afraid as coming across as ungrateful. My father came from a third world country, so the "gratefullness issue" was address frequently by my mom because "I don't have it even half as bad as what my father had to endure. And she was probably right. But it just silenced me ultimately, didn't put things into a mature context for me. I just learned that I can't complain about anything ever. Anyway, that trend didn't really change when I grew older. grade 9-10 I was sleeping on the living room couch so my sister could have privacy and a bedroom to exist in for herself - which I realize is important for an individual so I encouraged her to have the bedroom. Although I figured my parents expected me to do this for my sister regardless. I was okay with making sacrfices for those I love, it was instilled in me from a very very young age.
I do feel like my father took advantage of me in the form of labour as well, having to do custodial work with my father from 10pm to 3am, at two highschools I believe he was contracted, at that young age I honestly enjoyed just spending time with my father I think, working alongside him. When I was in grade 2 and 3 I had garbage bag duty for all the students bathrooms, and I remember loving snapping the bags open by rushing air into the bag and making it blow up like a baloon. I remember the scary unlit shadowy hallways that I couldn't perceive the ends of. No bodies to see, it felt eerie but exciting in a way - like it was a whole different world.
School was a different experience for me. It was very stressful, my parents had to move a few times a year because they would dodge rent or just generally be selfish with their dual income. They loved to party hard on the weekends. I remember wondering why my father did this to himself all the time. Hoping that we could spend quality time on a saturday, but he wouldnt get out of bed until just before dinner. I didn't really understand hangovers or alcoholism and how it meant our plans would get cancelled. I think I remember trying to wrap my head around willful self-poisoning for entertainment and how could that be more enjoyable then spending time with your son? I couldn't tell my mother why I was so sad about it. Why I didn't want to move again and again and again. Why I found it so difficult to make new friends everytime I had to switch schools. Why I couldn't just do one single full school year with one class of students. It was so hard and at the time, I didn't know anything different. It was so hard to make friends and I think it created this approach to making a "new family" of friends when I became a teenager and young adult.
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I remember always wanting to be a "good kid". The "best kid" for my parents. I feel like my parents attached this moniker to me that made things harder for me to mature into a rounded adult later in life. My parents always flaunted me as this point of accomplishment, the accomplishment that I was "so extremely well behaved". I would strive to be super polite, and a good host, try to help out when my parents had their friends over, literally fill their cups when the opportunity presented themselves. I think I did this because I must have made the conclusion that if I was quiet, super polite, helpful and useful then I had value. That I could be loved. That I could earn this love from my parents through acts of service.
I remember feeling like my sister and I had extremely different experiences growing up. When my parents were at work I took care of her, cleaned and cooked. one time my sister told my mom to eff off when she was 5 and I was 8. My mind was blown. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she had the bravery and courage to defy my mother. Looking back, my sister was just mirroring the language she learned from my parents from whenever they fought. I remembering seriously worrying and getting scared that my father was going to belt her, or use the coat hanger, which was his preference with me. I feel like my mom was always checked out and I'm hurt that she allowed my father to take his rage out on me. That my mom could care less about me being beat, but never my sibling. It was very confusing and difficult for me to process. Not that I really processed it much as a kid. I honestly just wanted to be loved and be the best child possible. Honestly though, 'm seriously so glad that my sister was spared all of that complete non-sense. I don't wish that on anyone in the world. There were some punishments where he would walk in and tell me to pull my pants down without explanation. I have memories of tearing up and saying I didn't know why this was happening, asking what I did wrong and he would just remind me that if I resisted then I would get it worse and to hurry up and get ready. My father has since apologized. I think it is how he was raised. I didn't know what to say in response, but I told him I loved him and it's in the past. But I don't know if I was being honest when I said that. My mother would still gaslight me to this day if any of this became topic of discussion, not that I'm guessing. A year ago she told me that much of my pained memories were false and this never happened. My father on the other hand typically stays pensive and unchallenging.
It seems so damned crazy writing all of this out, it feels like a heartbreaking novel and not my life at all. But it was and is my life. I have difficulties opening up and expressing my feelings and advocating for myself when the moments are true and appropriate to do so. I know it's the healthier way to communicate, but I was literally taught to stay quiet and be useful. Fast forward 20-25 years and I'm going to be 35 and I feel like just ending it all. Every year my birthday passes and I'll get a text from my family happy birthday. But they know I'm in a difficult place, they know I miss them, they know I love them and forgive them, I try the high road whenever I can but I just don't see the point anymore. they won't celebrate my life and existence, but they'll throw family gatherings for each other, birthdays, christmas, fathers day and mothers day.
On that note, another mother's day has recently passed and my mother never invited me over, I texted my father three weeks in advance in hopes of securing a time to come over and celebrate my mothers life with my family as a family. I felt particularly stung this mother's day when they celebrated and didn't text or call to invite me over. I live in the same small town so it's easy to hop over. I literally live three blocks away.
Anyway, my mother was diagnosed with cancer over christmas this year and I have been worrying for my mother ever since and thinking about my life with her and the mortal coil and the finite mount of time I may have with her. I feel like there is a large empty part in my heart that wishes my mother and I could go grab a coffee together. She can show me her ipad app art that she has been really excited about for a couple years now. She loves showing off her digital art and I love seeing her joy and how proud she is about her art. I just don't know why she couldn't feel the same for me, her only son. Maybe I'm just a her dissapointment.
I dropped out of highschool and left the family home when I was 16. I just couldn't work for my dad during the night AND go to highschool AND socialize. Something had to give. Unfortunately it was highschool and my parents didn't really care about that at all. They were just... fine with it. they supported my sister through college and she was fortunately able to graduate with a veterinary degree of sorts. she still lives with them now as she pays off her student debt, but I left and travelled and worked on music for over a decade so I admit that I was entirely out of the family picture for some time. But as I get older, not wanting to repeat the mistakes of my parents I fear that that is precisely what's been creeping up in my life.
five years ago I met the absolute most wonderful human being and I am so lucky to have my partner in my life. She and I are engaged now and set to be married. I hoped that the news would overwhelm my parents with excitement and joy. Maybe a facebook post about their son, share some family pictures or something. But they did nothing at all. I think they showed off pictures of the trip to Mexico that week instead.
I just don't really understand how I'm this unworthy of their love and unfortunately now I'm realizing that illusion that I am unworthy has infected my relationship with my fiance. I love her so much but when I can't fix everything in her life I feel like I am the failure and the guilt overhelms me so much and the guilt is such a strong motivator for me, and it usually motivates me into becoming the biggest doormat in the world. I've never worked harder for a relationship or invested this much energy. I feel she deserves it. But I don't advocate for myself. So I build up resentment. Like I clean the house constantly and work and help bail out of her bad spending habits and cover her rent without question and this and that. To be clear, she doesn't take advantage of me and that's not how I feel about it. But I do let this annoyance build up inside of me because I don't know how to communicate my feelings in a healthy way. I'm scared I'll lose the person if I speak up, or I'll be gaslit. Again, that's not my partner that gaslights. That's just generally how I feel I'll be treated if I open up with people. It all goes back to my childhood. It's affected every friendship and work relationship I've had since.
When I was 20-ish, 15 years years ago I did the classic, "seek the relationship that most comfortably fits into the patterns you experienced with your parents". And so I trapped myself in a horrific and extremely damaging relationship with a girl I'll call K. She has undiagnosed bipolaBPD, she would never seek help but self-medicate. She ended up in the hospital maybe four times for self-harming and this where she was considered to have these diseases by a few doctors on different occasions. Anway, it turned into a relationship of abuse and it wasn't exactly new territory for me. I was ashamed in that 8 year relationship. I wanted out so bad, but she would threaten to unalive everytime I tried to get away. Of course, some weeks would go by and i would get my hair pulled out of my scalp, a knife waving in the air in front of my face, spat in the face, kicked, punched, bit, a pot of freshly boiled ramen soup thrown in my face and eyes. What's worse is that I seeked police intervention on multiple occasions. Every single time the police visited, they talked me out of pressing charges, asking me " well if she doesn't have any place to go, then do you have a place you can stay at, or the shelter?". twice they talked me out of a restraining order, that legal proceedings would take forever. Adn de-escalting me from wanting to take measures to ensure my safety because she may end up on the street as a result. To this day, I absolutely wish I advocated for myself here and pushed for a restraining order. I'm so mad at myself for not doing so.
Unfortunately, fast forward a couple years into that relationship and one evening everything would finally hit the fan. I told her to never touch me again and I absolutely meant it. she had just yanked out the largest chunk of my hair to date, to the point where my scalp was bleeding and I could even see epidermal matter still attached to the folicle ends that were in her clenched fingers. My head bled a bit and I pushed her off of me. Telling her that I needed to leave, that I was walking to my secure jam space just a 10 minute walk away. It had a leather couch in a cold concrete basement, but hey at least I would be safe for the night and I could play my drums and try and blow off this anxiety and fear in a way that was safe albeit very noisy.
She hated that I wanted to leave and convinced herself I would never return. To be fair, that was the energy I had. I never wanted to see her face again and have her name on my lips after that night. So her tactic was simple, to threaten me with calling the cops and tell them that I violently pushed her. I called her bluff and said "go ahead and I will just tell them everything you've done - yet again. All I am doing is going to the space to sleep, I said, maybe play drums." She called the cops and told them she was pushed into a wall, and she felt very unsafe. Which yes, I did push her off me when she attacked me. In the past, I tried various tactics, to run away didn't work, she just always chased me down. Or sometimes I would just sit there while she was violent against me and I just "dissapeared" kind of like how I would when my dad used his coat hanger. This time, I just pushed her off of me, I was done with the relationship at that point and we both knew it. Anyway, she called the police, they arrived and when questioned I told them that I pushed her off of me in self-defence. I was drinking that night and it didn't help my case as I was arrested without question that evening and I was charged on the spot without question with domestic assault. It devasted me. I asked the police how this could happen lawfully. That she is an abuser and there is a history of this multiple times. That I've requested a restraining order. They explained that in quebec the laws are a little different and in the case domestic cases, if there is a male aggressor against a female, then the male is automatically charged to the fullest extent. I was absolutelyu devasted by this. I can't tell you the amount of fear and anger I felt in that jail cell that night.
I feel so incredibly betrayed by the justice system, keep in mind, this is law that from what I understand is only in Quebec, I was there for music at the time with an old friend whom I am no longer in contact with. I don't think the rest of the country operates under law in this way. Now I appreciate that they are vigilant about woman abuse victims, but the law shouldn't be this absurdly biased. It just doesnt feel just and fair to me. Covert abusers shouldn't be able to take advantage of the justice system in this way, but it happens.
It was an awful experience, I was homeless for a couple months afterward, not allowed to retrieve my belongings, so I lost all of my life "crap" that I had built up, years of hardwork and investment. I mention this because I realize later in life that I have intense collecting behaviour. maybe as a self-soothing behaviour. But I love building up collections of my hobby stuff as I have many and I feel they keep me regulated and it's a form of therapy for me. In any case, I lost everything when I left that whole situation. It sucks, although ultimately it's clearly best that I got out of that dreadful circumstance. I flew across the country to my hometown and to be closer to my family and old friends from highschool. It's quite a small town mind you.
Unfortunately, my classic tendency to hide and not advocate for myself created an opportunity for my abusive ex. A year following those events, despite me assuring her that I had to block her because I flew away to start a new life provinces away. That I wished her the best. That I even promised I would never tell a soul what she did to me. Not to mention that unfortunately we live in a society where nobody really has an ounce of sympathy for a male abuse victim. I had every intention to keep that promise, but she couldn't trust me ultimately. I think her logic was maybe to just beat her ex to "the punch". Kill or be killed or something like that. I don't live my life like that so I don't really know what her plan was. But she made a bunch of posts on various social media platforms for all of our mutual friends, music friends, coworkers etc. that the relationship was over and she was free. That she got out of a cycle of abuse and she was ready to start a new chapter of her life. She never used my name, just that she was glad she got away from her toxic and abusive ex once and for all.
It was exactly like that night a year prior, she threatened me with this outcome she could design for me, and I called her on her bluff by saying I was still going to block her and I can't control what she does with her life or how she conducts herself, but that I was out and to never contact me ever again. She made me regret that decision.
The posts she made that day got so many likes and support from so many of our mutual friends, even musician mates that were closer to me than her, and it absolutely destroyed me, not just internally but socially. I no longer make music anymore and it hurts to go outside into the world because it feels like everybody sees me as this monster. And still I don't have a voice to inform anyone otherwise - except my family and my fiance. I have no friends anymore. They all left my life with the belief that I did all of these horrible and awful things.
I just don't trust people anymore as a result and it's just caused me to become extremely bitter and depressed. I ruminate on the past, maybe in attempts to fix the past so I can move on. So I could do better, so I don't have to punish myself for my mistakes in the past. But it just reopens every emotional wound I have and they never get a chance to heal. That was maybe 7 years ago now and I'm still replaying these events in my head every single morning for about 1 - 2 hrs. Then I go completely numb for the majority of the rest of the day, shallow breathing, and the mildest sadness that mascarades as fatigue and disinterest.
There are some days where I seriously fear for the future and I just feel like every cruel soul will inherit this earth and that's the future, they built this world of suffering and they deserve to inherit it. Their toxic flag staked so deep into the earth in reclamation. The future isn't holding any seats for people like us. I'm so heartbroken and defeated. I feel like white-wolfing my fiance because she deserves better than this traumatized person that hides from the world. I feel like giving her my collection of collections so she can sell it all off and pay off her 10k of credit debt, then with this act of kindness I can go out not feeling like a guilt-ridden defeated loser. And leave on a high note.
When I'm alone, I get trapped in these ruminating cycles and it's the angriest I ever get. It's reached the point where I feel like I am actually reliving all this past trauma every morning and I can't do it anymore. I just feel like I am so at the end of whatever this ride was.
I don't have any friends anymore and everyone but my fiance thinks I am a monster and it's just unbearable.
I just don't even know. I am even afraid that someone will read this post and suss through all of this and make the connection. Then I'll get another new email or random throwaway account with an insta message that says "I told you you would never be able to get over me. You can move on, but you will never be able to erase the past. Never truly. You know where to find me."
It's haunting and it's poisonous. I just feel haunted and poisoned and I don't know if there is a snake oil potent enough or antitode true enough to get me back to the generous, lighthearted, energetic kid I once was.
To whoever was willing to read through all of this, thank you for hearing me out. I don't know what advice I am even asking for here. I'm hoping just speaking this out into the world in some way can alleviate this misery. I don't know.

I’m in a tricky spot. My ex left me out of the blue a month ago. We had a great relationship, both had faults but nothing major. We were good to each-other. We had an insanely stressful time period & we lived together for a year at this point, we were also together for 2 years. I think he just needed time away & we needed to go back to long distance for a while. Our living situation wasn’t working out at all anymore & we didn’t know how to navigate that properly.
I don’t think we (mainly him) communicated affectively enough about what needed to happen. He just got lost, confused & just kinda dipped. Then, he did/ said strange stuff & gave a million bs reasons for why he left. None of them were true. I knew exactly why he left. He was just lost. He still loves me & I know he didn’t want to breakup, he just felt he had no choice, which was dumb. I tried so hard to show him he was making a mistake & clearly just in a bad mental state, but eventually I gave up.
I went no contact & tried to move on. Then, he calls a few days ago to tell me he is deeply sorry, he took accountability for what he did & he just described it as him getting crazy overwhelmed & he felt backed into a corner. He wanted to discuss getting back together. I told him I need him to take more time to really think about that decision. While part of me wanted to just say “yes omg let’s do it come home baby” I did not. He has to prove himself to me again. It’s been 3 days since that call & we’ve barely spoken, when we have it’s not about that. It’s weird.
He reopened the wound & yes I did tell him to take them to think, but now I just feel like shit because I don’t know what is going on. I’m scared to even ask. It sucks. I’m tempted to text & call all the time but I’m not sure what to say, I need him to take the initiative but I guess it’s just a weird cross road. I could forgive him for this, I do think we needed time apart. He went about it absolutely awful, but I do believe in 2nd chances. It’s just a shame he called me saying everything I’ve been waiting to hear, but nothing has happened really. We’ve spoken each day since, but I’ve initiated contact more during this time than he has. He still says I love you & doesn’t tackle the topic again. I’m so so confused. I get that getting back together should be a slow process, I get I told him to take time to think, but I don’t know what is even going on & I NEED to know. It hurts. I was not sure if I should just initiate the conversation again & go from there, or allow him to think like I said to do. Any ideas?

Preamble

This is going to be a bit of a lengthy post so bear with me. I am going to get into boons, arcana cards, vows, and weapon/equipment choice in this post and how I eventually was able to clear the underworld at 32 fear. All of this is in context of the build I am going for and the weapon I am using. Different vows, cards, etc. may be better for different weapons and playstyles. This is not a definitive guide and I have only beaten it once so far and by sticking to one weapon during my attempts. I enjoy writing about stuff like this and hope that this can possibly help y'all.
I finished the surface on my 23rd run and then the underworld on the next for reference. I just now cleared the underworld at 32 fear on my 143rd run. Of those between were me completing testaments, trying out weapons/aspects, and chaos trials. I attempted 32 fear a total of 36 times before I finally got it. Total in game time according to steam is 74 hours lol (I had a four day weekend and my gf is out of town so this is pretty much all I did).
Proof of run

Weapon/Aspect: Momus Staff

Firstly you want to get enough resources to unlock and fully upgrade the aspect, I think 10 total nightmare? Giving your special +30 power. I wouldn't bother 32 fear until you can get it all the way up.
For a few runs while I was using the skull with Melinoe/Persephone aspect, as I was trying to complete the 20 fear testament simultaneously. Stopped since I decided I wasn't really comfortable with the skull and switched to Melinoe's staff. Did that for a while and then saw this video and decided to give the Momus staff a shot, where i then won in 7 runs after switching. It also probably helped that I changed around some vows around this time, more on that later.
Watch the video for a breakdown but essentially you want Poseidon special + legendary boon, and ideally the double moonshot hammer that gives your special 2 more projectiles that seek. He switches his binds for left and right click but I did not, up to you.
Took a minute to get used to but essentially I just spammed speciall the entire time in fights, kiting enemies when necessary. I used my cast defensively to root enemies and create space mostly until I got a 3 specific boons, more later. Did not really use omegas at all, as I turned off the magick regen card and turned on the vow that removes your magick at the start of each encounter. If I did gain some magick, I would only use it for the omega special to regain some health when it was safe in fights (5 healing if you are near it when it explodes).

Arcana Cards

This is what I used but some may find other ones more to their liking. I will explain my choices below. Be sure to upgrade these to their max potential. The descriptions that I give are referencing their maxed out bonus. I almost exclusively used my charon cards (obol points) to order 8 moon dust in the camp to upgrade faster. Also having 30 grasp is required so be sure to get that maxed out too. Just playing the game should get you there. Gathering bones and completing minor prophecies are helpful in getting more moondust and nightmare faster to upgrade your cards and aspects. I have starred the one's that I think are almost absolutely necessary.
Arcana card choices
I. The Sorceress: Not using omega moves with this build for the most part, mainly chosen to just fill out the top row to awaken the divinity card.
II. The Wayward Son: +2 health (with 50% healing reduction from a vow) is definitely helpful, some much needed passive healing.
* III. The Huntress: +50% attack and special damage when you have less than 100 magick is probably a must have. Especially in my vows set up where I pretty much never have any magick.
IV. Death: Also to just fill out the row for divinity, not really using omega moves.
* V. The Messenger: +10% dodge chance is a lifesaver.
VII. The Titan: More health (and magick) is helpful for the early game before you get any centaur hearts.
* X. The Lovers: 0 damage from bosses for 3 hits is absolutely nuts, this was a whole keepsake in the last game. Attacks that miss you from dodge or daze from Apollo don't count towards a hit as well.
XI. The Swift Runner: Just generally helpful for kiting and running around, especially with increased enemy movement from a vow.
* XII. Eternity: 3 death defiances are absolutely essential probably in any playthrough unless you are a god at not getting hit ever.
* XVIII. Origination: Enemies with 2 curses take +50% damage is fantastic and helps to absolutely shred through them
* XXII. The Champions: 3 chances to reroll boon choices among other things is pretty much a must for run consistency. I would mainly use it on my first Poseidon boon to get the special. Would also use again to try and get slip or blast damage one or legendary from him, also on Hestia to get her cast or the one that allows you to aim the cast (both possible prerequisites for their duo boon, more later).
XXIII. The Artificer: I slept on this one big time at first until I saw someone using it in a 32 heat run on youtube. Change a minor reward into a major one 3 times is fantastic and really helps in the early game. I would use all 3 in the first region for a chance to get a pom, heart, gold, boon, or hammer. I would almost put this one as a must but you do you.
XXIV. Divinity: 20% extra chance to get an epic boon. Activated by the full top row, its just nice to have to possibly get some more benefits out of boons.
Alternatives: Like I mentioned before I only activate I and IV mainly to activate divinity. You could lose them and go for IX Night (automatic charging for your hex) or XVI The Fates (+3 rolls to change location rewards). I feel like hexes are not all that impactiful personally (except for a couple). Also changing location rewards is a toss up, meh. You could also lose XI extra sprint speed to to open up 5 grasp and go for XV Stength (take and deal more damage at low hp), XVII The Boatman (get more gold at the start of the run), or XIX Excellence (higher % for rare boons offered), which all have valid arguments. In hindsight I think giving up those 3 for Stregnth or Excellence might be worth it, might try in future runs.

Oath of the Unseen Vows

Throughout my runs I experimented a lot with the various choices and found that the ones I chose are best for how I play. It is really up to you, this is just how I did it. I mostly messed around with damage taken, enemy spawns, and health, the rest pretty much stayed constant. I originally was using the 9 minute time limit per region for a majority of my runs until I switched aspects (and the 7 minute several times). I eventually decided that I was playing too aggresively to beat the clock and would lose most of, if not all my death defiances by Tartarus/Chronos, or earlier. I did still have decent amount of time to beat Chronos if I got there with the time limit, just the health and death defiance loss was too much. Here is what I went with and explanations for each, I starred the ones I think should be kept on and are relatively easy to deal with.
Vows Used
Vow of Blood (+3): Just don't get hit duh. No but seriously +60% damage to you hurts, a lot. I really wish I did not have to use this, but the alternatives I think are worse. As you play more you'll get better and learn attack patterns and how to kite effectively.
Vow of Dominance (+3): Enemies now have +30% health which is rough, but with no time limit, just take your time in killing enemies off safely.
Vow of Rebuke (+2): Enemies have 2 barriers before they can take damage, not too bad. Makes clearing enemies a bit harder, but with the poseidon boon, you apply two instances of damage with each hit. So only one special shot with the boon will clear the barrier, also the wave the shoots out of them helps to clear barriers of the other enemies.
Vow of Fury (+3): Enemies are 20% faster (and their projectiles too?! I'm pretty sure this is the case, I haven't played without it in a while so I'm not exactly sure). This one took some getting used to, not much I can say except just keep trying. Another +3 makes them 40% faster which I do not recommend. The screaming shades, wolves and their heads, thorny spinny guys in Oceanus, rats, and Chronos are all insane with 40% extra speed.
Vow of Suffering (+2): +100% for the first hit you take in each encounter. Same as Vow of Blood, its rough, wish I could go without it as well.
Vow of Commotion (+3): 60% more foes in encounters (does not affect the boss summons). Had this one a tier or two lower, or not at all, when I was experimenting with the time limit. The AOE from Poseidon definely helps here, just take your time to clear out enemies. It can get pretty bad in tartarus with the bags and skulls everywhere though so just be careful.
Vow of Haunting (+2): Enemies have 50% of spawning a revenant when killed which if left alone long enough will respawn them. These are annoying as hell but not terrible once you get used to it. On death a flaming green skull thing launches out of them and travels a bit of a distance, just run ovecollect them and they are negated, don't need to damage or whatever. Can sometimes be hard to spot if behind a wall or obstacle. Overall not that bad, its not the end of the world if you let them respawn. Definitely though go for the ones that would respawn an enemy that are hard/annoying to deal with ASAP e.g. rat spawning satyrs, wolves, any projectile shooting enemy. Sometimes I feel like rats almost always spawn a revenant which is annoying. I honestly think they should also rework this so that if an enemy respawns it can't have another revenant spawn.
* Vow of Wandering (+3): 25% chance for enemies to be from the next region. Really not that bad at all, just have to deal with some more annoying enemies with larger health pools.
Vow of Scars (+2): Healing is only 50% effective is not that bad. You only get +2 healing passively from the card now and a lot less from fountains and such, goes hand in hand with blood and suffering, you'll get better at not getting hit.
* Vow of Destitution (+2): Charon's shop (and wells) are 80% more expensive. You'll miss out some boons, healing, poms, hearts, etc. but its not awful, you will still gain a good amount of gold to usually buy a boon or something at the end of each region except Oceanus I found. Also with Poseidon in your god pool, he has some boons that can help with getting more gold like minor find doubling up, increased value of minor finds, and sunken treasure.
* Vow of Panic (+1): No more magick at the start of each encounter. In this build you don't really need it anyways so this is a freebie point of fear pretty much. Also if you decide to have the card that regens magick on it pretty much negates it after a little while.
** Vow of Forsaking (+2): This one might actually be beneficial. The two boon options you don't pick will not longer show up in your run. This is why I have the boon rerolls on, so I can guarantee to get Poseidon special on my first boon. Otherwise this helps to increase your chances of getting legendary or duo boons (if you have the prerequisites) since the boon choice pool is lowered after each pick. It is unfortunate though if both prereqs for poseidons legendary are in the given choices and you are out of rolls though.
* Vow of Arrogance (+4): Prime 10 magick for each level of rarity above common that you pick. Again, not using magick hardly in this build so doesn't really matter. Also in lower fear runs I have used this, it does not really matter all that much even when you are using omega moves.
Unused:

• Vow of Bitterness: Replace the first boon reward of each region with an onion (does not affect shop boons or trial of the gods rooms if they are the first ones you encounter). I tried this many times but it really just worsened run consistency. Also w a keepsake equipped after Erebus to guarantee a certain god's boon, that would become an onion if it was the first one I found, and then would not encounter that god again in that region.
• Vow of Desperation: Time limits for regions: 9, 7, then 5 minutes with increased fear for each increase in tier. Like I said, I stopped playing with this so I could play more carefully.
• Vow of Abandon: Negate all your arcana cards. Insane. Tried it once, it is just too much, the arcana cards are absolutely necessary I feel to clear 32 fear.

Boons/Hammers/Keepsakes/Familiar

Poseidon: Equip his keepsake at start, reroll for wave flourish (special) if needed and rarify. Afterwards look for slippery slope then crashing wave ideally. This primes you to get his legendary which gives +150% damage from splash effects to bosses. Other great ones are double up which is nuts that it can possibly double your hearts, gold, and poms you pick up. Ocean's bounty is nice to increase gold. Water fitness is pretty good if you can get 4 water elements to give you +100 health. Flood control is also nice for damage reduction.
Hestia: Equip her keepsake after Erebus if you did not already get her in your god pool (you get up to 4 gods like in Hades I). Ideally you want her both cast and glowing coal, which lets you aim your cast. Either of which in combination with slippery slope gets you access to Poseidon/Hestia duo boon scalding vapor whcih does insane damage over time. I'm not sure if you should prioritize glowing coal over her cast honestly, both have their upsides alone, but you do want both hopefully. With glowing coal so you can aim your cast since you will be fighting from a distance mostly (not always but in how I played this build I did for the most part), which can activate the steam cloud on foes with slip. Hestia cast is less safe and you need to be closer to enemies to get the steam cloud to activate, but it does more damage, continously applying steam on the enemy. Other boons like soot sprint are nice, almost like Athena's dash in the first game. Slow cooker infusion is alright but you may not get many fire elements to increase your base damage power. Flammable coating is great and helps to melt through armored enemies. Burnt offering is pretty nice to increase you health (and magick) pool if you happen to get offered to sacrifice a useless boon.
Other helpful god boons: Pretty much anything that can help apply another curse to enemies. Demeter and Aphrodite are probably the best since theirs are easy to apply without much effort like frigid sprint, gale force, glamour gain, and passion dash. The other gods require secondary boons to get a curse or your attack/special needs to give the curse, you won't really ever be using your attack and your special is reserved for Poseidon.
Hammers: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like I remember in Hades I if you chose a specific hammer you would be locked out of other hammer choices that affect the benefitting move. If the same applies to this game avoid picking a hammer that affects your special for your first hammer if it is not double moonshot, and hope for it on your second hammer. The DPS from Momus staff is still great with spamming special without it (I won my run without it). You could also go ahead and pick up rapid moonfire or shimmering moonshot on your first one because they are pretty powerful too, and I also may be wrong about the hammer exclusion thing.
Keepsakes: So of course Poseidon first, always. Hestia second if you don't get her in your god pool Erebus. Up to you and what you like for Oceanus, maybe choose Demeter or Aphrodite. If I got Hestia I would generally use any one of the following:

• Engraved pin
• Gold Purse
• White Antler
• Crystal Figurine
• Silken Sash
• Aromatic Phial (be sure to pick it up before using the fountain)
• Experimental Hammer
• Transcendent Embryo

Once in the mourning fields I would typically go with the Lion Fang, or possibly one of the above maybe. Lastly in Tartarus I would either use Knuckle Bones (if I felt comfortable with my health and death defiances), Luckier Tooth, or Evil Eye (if Chronos killed me last).
Sidenote: Is Echo bugged? Or is my game just messed up? I was never given the chance to give her a gift so I've never gotten her keepsake :(
Familiar Toula: Sorry Frinos, but Toula is just superior. She gives you an extra death defiance which when upgraded fully gives you 40 health on death. Also upgrading her attack lets her attack more times before she takes a little catnap (cute). She does 99 damage with each strike which is not insignificant. You don't need to go out of your way to sprint over her whenever she is resting to activate her, if she happens to be where you are running it is just some nice extra little bit of DPS. She has actually killed a few bosses for me in my runs lol.

The Winning Run

So all of this information is from finally beating 32 fear. I followed this strategy in my head for the most part. I ended up not getting double moonshot, but did get rapid moonfire. Poseidon offered me both prereqs for his legendary in the same choice without any rerolls left unfortunately, chose slip of course. I did get the duo boon and both of Hestia's cast boons which was nuts. Also I got rare crop right after I got Poseidon's special so it became heroic by the end. I also got offered to sacrifice rare crop after it became heroic by hestia to get more health, and I was then offered it again at epic rarity which increased 3 other of my boons which happened to hit Hestia's cast boons. I did not get any other way to apply another curse other than slip unfortunately as well. Started Tartarus with 2 or 3 death defiances + luckier tooth and beat Chronos on my last life. Overall though, not a perfect run but it still worked. Would have been even more nuts if I got the right hammer, legendary, and another curse effect

TL;DR

Momus Staff good. More special projectiles hammer + Poseidon special + legendary + Poseidon/Hestia duo = nuts DPS. Arcana cards important, vows are tough.

I was going to give details without saying that the person I'm speaking of is my husband, but there's just too many things where you (the audience) need to know that he's my (now) husband; and if you think I'm crazy that's fine. I don't give a shit what you think. I already wrestle with myself about my beliefs and my belief in myself. I'm what you call a sensitive. A "Paranormal Sensitive" - I'll leave the link to the article that explains my abilities and what I do at the end. Now before I start, don't take anything I say the wrong way ok? I know my husband isn't the only person who's had a hard life alright? I too have had a rough life starting from my growing up. I'm not stupid....
So let's get started; as I said, my husband hasn't had the easiest life. Ever since he was young, he was made to feel that he was weird or abnormal. He never understood why, but kids, teachers, and even his parents treated him differently than they treated other people. He has an older brother whom is the favorite, for only God knows why. It's not like he'd done anything, from what I know, is unusual. He was a freakin kid!! His parents treated him like he was weird, favorited his older brother, kids picked on him at school, teachers told him and treated him like he was weird and treated him differently than the other students in his classes. So he's been dealing with shit since he was young.
He told me that at eight years old he rejected God and cast Him from his life. I'm assuming and came to the conclusion that he did this at this age because, on top of not having friends, being picked on by not only his peers and other adults, his parents also got divorced. Jumping years later, he's in his late twenties, when he went to prison for - none of your business - and for his safety a few gang members took him under their wing so to speak and he got their name/symbol tattooed on him. Well... the symbol he used to let people know he was protected by them was the star of David. Now you may ask "star of David? Isn't that a good thing?" No. It's not.... I'll put this link below as well, but "The “Star of David” is a seal for the Jewish people. It is not a religious symbol for Judaism, nor should it be. The hexagram has in the west, from biblical times up through the enlightenment, been associated with witchcraft, the occult, and demonology. In most ancient occult usages the hexagram was seen as a portal for dark spirits, energy, or demons. It could only be cast by someone who had given themselves over to darkness/dark forces." And it goes into more detail but this is really all you need to know for my story and what I needed to know to understand.
Another jump to after meeting me and us getting married. For our wedding, we lived in down south, but all of our family was up in northern midwest states. So we rented a mansion on AirBNB and had a few family members and a couple friends stay with us while we were there for a week before our wedding. We wanted to get everything set up and be completely ready before wedding day!! Two nights before the wedding, he, his brother, his sister-in-law, and myself all had drinks and we got a little wasted. Well-deserved with all the work we had been doing to get "wedding ready". So, when he and I were alone, we were out on the balcony and we were talking about "them". He said he wanted to go out to the forest and purge them so he'd be "clean" for the marriage and idk. I honestly don't remember what all he said. He begged me to go with him but it was dark and creepy and I just didn't like the vibe/feeling I was getting from looking out there at the tree-line. So after maybe ten minutes of begging me to go with him and me saying no, he got irritated and went downstairs and I watched as he walked across the land until I couldn't see him anymore, but he wasn't out there for very long, like maybe five minutes, before I saw him walking back. Everything about that night after that is a blur. I don't remember asking him what happened and if I did, I don't remember what he said. I just remember waking up that next morning.
Ironically, I only just learned about the real story behind the star of David for his tattoo a couple nights ago when we were watching a YouTube video and a star popped up and someone thought it was the star of David or a pentagram. We've known each other ten years. It was neither a pentagram nor the star of David, but somehow his tattoo came up in conversation and he started talking about what I'd posted above about the demonology part of it and I had no clue what he was talking about. He looked at me in utter shock and couldn't believe that I didn't know it had a different meaning than what I'd thought; along with most the rest of the world. He tried to tell me, but then started acting weird as he was looking it up to show me what he was talking about. So while I started reading it, he was still talking about how he couldn't believe I still didn't know or how I never knew the story behind it and I kept answering him by saying "how would I?" or "why would I? Why would I know to look it up? I had no reason to" and then he got mad because I wasn't reading it and he's like "I'm trying to tell you!" Now the wedding night also comes up and I try to tell him about when he went into the darkness and tried to get to the treeline to purge them for me; for us. He looked at me and laughed and called me crazy. He doesn't remember this. He told me "I stayed with you on the balcony". When I tried to tell him "no. I literally watched you, anxious and terrified af, walk down and across the lawn to where I couldn't see anymore" and he just kept repeating "I was with you" or "I stayed with you". Now this was just two nights ago.
Also when they come forward (the entities I believe who are possessing him, yes I believe there are more than one; 3 to be exact), his physical features change. Literally! His eyes change and his facial features along with his expressions change. EXPLAIN THAT TO ME!! Tell me how this happens other than the possibility of possession. I know what I see! It's not just one time... it's every time I'm talking to them.
I don't explain things very well so I'm sorry that this is probably all over the place. Just looking for answers and looking for someone that can help me with what I can do next. I'm not finding what I need through the internet.
Links I said I'd post:
https://www.detroitparanormalexpeditions.com/single-post/2018/01/13/being-a-sensitive-in-the-paranormal-world
https://www.quora.com/Why-is-the-Star-of-David-considered-evil

uhh should i do the gender and age thing lol (23n) well.. like everyone else here i’m extremely suicidal. it’s like i’m in a constant state of planning my death.. it’s been this way since the year started. i mean i’ve been suicidal for as long as i can remember but never to this extent. i’ve planned to kill myself tonight lol but i’ve planned many times before, written MANYY notes.. but then i usually just sleep it off and go about my life like “normal”. this time feels different. i feel like i’ve been falling into a black hole and am finally reaching the singularity. the point of no return. no hope. no will to live or change. well ig i’ll list my reasons for doing this. 1. i’m a stinker… sounds silly but i’m being so fr 😭 randomly in eighth grade i started to stink?? it took me awhile to realize it was ME stankin up the school w my chemical warfare.. i think it’s some form of tmau??? well whatever this condition is.. it’s made my life a fucking nightmare. halfway through 10th grade i dropped out. genuinely couldnt handle the bullying anymore and i would get panic attacks constantly… not a good time for me… well i mean its not like it ever any got better lol.
Naturally if one smells like a dumpster fire constantly no one would want to be around you.. so of course i no longer had any friends. and i probably would’ve still had some friends if i didn’t completely turn my back to the whole world. after dropping out in 2016 i wouldn’t go back into society until 2023 when i got my first job. i still stink.. my family says i don’t to my face but i hear them say i stink when they think i can’t hear em… not sure why they lie but i digress.. doctors and therapist also can’t seem smell anything. but when i’m out in public or at work i’ll hear people in passing talk abt how bad i smell… my mom is convinced i have schizophrenia LMAOOO like i KNOWWW i didn’t imagine allll those kids bullying me in middle school and high school LIKE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I FUCKING WISHHHHHHH IT WAS ALL JUST IN MY HEAD!!!!! also i should note… this condition has absolutely NOTHINGGG to do with my hygiene.. I PROMISE!!!! i always make sure i’m extremely clean and well groomed.. im sure everyone who passes me thinks im some disgusting person who doesn’t bathe or wipe properly but that’s never been the case so pls don’t tell me to “just shower”… it’s not that simple though i really wish it was.
moving along.. 2. i have really bad intrusive thoughts and a problem with starring at things i shouldn’t be looking at… so the intrusive thoughts started like a year into my self isolation.. i don’t really want to say what type but they cause immense distress.. after every intrusive thought i contemplate suicide like that’s how bad they are. as for the starring thing.. 😞 i think its also ocd related. but i stare at boobs, butts, privates, and feet.. i’m not sure how to explain this coherently.. but it’s like I KNOWW i’m NOT supposed to look but then my body just decides to look anyways. it feels like i have ZERO control over my own fucking eyes. and i promise there’s no sexual intention?? behind my stares.. but no one on the receiving end would think that. and unfortunately my eyes look at everyone including family, kids, men, women, literally everyone. AND I FUCKIBG HATE IT I WISH I WAS BLIND. my sisters think i’m some pervert and how can i live with myself knowing i’m causing them to feel unsafe and uncomfortable??? i’m not doing it on purpose. i just want to stab my fucking eyes out. this is honestly one of the main reasons for wanting to kill myself. i don’t even know when it started or fucking how?????? OR WHYY?? why do i struggle with the rarest fucking things?? like is there genuinely someone else out there who unintentionally stares at inappropriate things??? FRICK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE!!!!!!!!

1. i’ve been molested at pretty much every age and have always been “sexual” from a reallly early age ☹️ started w my cousin doing things to me i didn’t understand.. then my sisters uncle would grope me and make me kiss him. and he would like lick???? my neck??? idk there’s also this memory of someone on top of me while i sleep… yknow… doing things.. i was 13 or so and for a long time i thought the shadow hovering over me raping me was like a demon… 😭😭😭 i deadass thought i was raped by a demon LOL but recently i’ve going through my memories and yeah… that was definitely a person.. no clue who it could’ve been ☹️ i was too drowsy to do anything and i woke up in a panic and checked my underwear but didn’t see anything so ig my kid brain came to the conclusion that it was a demon.. sorry for the run on sentences 😞

4?? this isntt really a reason but after self isolating for almost 9 years i’ve completely lost the ability to properly communicate w other people. like i’m so unbelievably awkward.. it’s torture 😭 also i think i might have autism idk forming friendships with others has always been a challenge for me. honestly i really don’t talk much. like i really don’t understand the back and forth conversations. everyone makes it seem so easy. but when it comes time for me to respond or initiate my brain goes completely blank. tv static. i hope someone out there understands how painful it is to WANT to talk and engage but your brain is limited to two boring ass unengaging responses. also i never seem able to say the right thing. i always come off as mean. ugh. what’s wrong w me.
oh i just remembered something… when i was in second or first grade my FULL sized dresser and box tv pretty much the size of me both fell on me.. tv hit the back of my head and by the will of god or something i managed to crawl out from underneath them.. now i went to hospital and had an x-ray done and it showed nothing but what ifffffff i had some sort of concussion that’s caused me to be this way????? i’m just talkin out my ass. but seriously why am i this way??? was i born this strange?? sigh.
i so desperately want to live a normal life. have friends. not stink. not stare unintentionally. but fuck i just don’t think that will ever be my reality. i’ve been stuck in this same cycle for 9 years. i’ve wasted NINE fucking years of my life. sometimes it feels like my brain never finished developing past the age of 13.. i’m already 23 and i’ve done absolutely nothing. no accomplishments no goals no dreams. it feels like im permanently stuck. so it often feels like death is the only way to escape my reality. im so lonely. but i don’t know how to be a friend. im lost. i want to go to college but like I STINK??? so i’ll just get bullied and outcasted again. y’all im stumped. i see no way out aside from death. but at the same time i’m scared there’s nothing after dying. so i live my whole life wasting away and finally decide to do something and kill myself but all that greets me after i’m dead is nothing. it all seems so bleak.
what if i’m just a bad egg?
i’ll be rlly surprised if anyone has read this far 💀 sorry any grammatical errors hehe i never graduated 🤓 this life fucking sucks so maybe in my next life i can be born as a cutieful pampered house cat… for now i think i’m just gonna go to sleep and let the cycle repeat. maybe one day i’ll find my way out of this hell. through death or something else. who knows. good night…

Hello I know this has been asked many times but I finally need to do something about it. My credit score has been stuck at the same score (lowish 800's) for the past I don't know how many years. I don't think I've been late on a payment since I was 18 thanks to automatic payments. Right now I have 1 credit card and pay it off entirely at the end of each month. No other bills other than my mortgage.
My brother and I were talking and he said he was in the same situation and what helped him was getting another credit card. I was thinking of purchasing a Mac laptop and instead of paying it off at the end of the month on my current card I was thinking this was a good opportunity to get a second card that maybe has 0% over x amount of months.
First of all is my brother right that a second credit card will help my situation? If so what cards do you recommend? I always hear good things about the Chase Freedom Unlimited. Would that be a good choice? Any help would be appreciated.

My(15F) mom(48F) and I were attached at the hip since I’ve been younger. Mostly because she raised me by herself since my dad(75M) didn’t live with us. He wasn’t around much in my younger years, only really present when my grandfather died. My mom has mental illness, along with her own mommy issues. She never really got the chance to address them though, since my grandmother died before I was born. Onto the issues. I just recently moved to live with my dad because things with my mom had gotten really bad. Naturally I started remembering things. Like how she left me in my car seat as an incompetent 4/5 year old in the winter because I was “too much.” She also forbade my grandfather and I from speaking in the last years of his life, even though we lived in the same house. The worst of it though came with the panic attacks. I began bottling up my emotions because she only responded with anger or guilt-tripping (not a good idea) and the first one I had, I was backed into a corner because she wouldn’t stop approaching me, then she held me down on my bed and put her hand over my mouth when I started screaming. Instead of apologizing, she told me I was possessed by the devil. Who knew. I was 11 when that happened, and she still doesn’t see the problem with what she did. She has also said I’m not her daughter anymore, and that it was my “responsibility” that I tried to kill myself (something about life insurance which I don’t have) but I ran away a couple times and she only brought up calling the police when I came back “I was about to call I was so worried.” After both of my attempts, she would just call me dramatic, and never told my dad. She also called me manipulative whenever I did tell my dad anything that happened between us. Saying I wouldn’t have him to complain to much longer (implying because he’s older I won’t have as many years) a fact which she has seen me break down about. Not only all of this but small comments too. Watching sword af (Smosh dnd) “you like this stuff?” Wearing a crop top with no jacket “you look like a slut.” Anytime I try to set a boundary “you’re so ungrateful and spoiled.” I was telling her not to call my friend ghetto because she shouldn’t and she says slurs. Honestly I don’t know how much else I can write, so maybe I’ll update, but I needed to get it off my chest because Mother’s Day was very hard, but I still made an effort, calling her (she didn’t return my call, only “I appreciate the thought” and sent her Mother’s Day deals for food “I’m not going there.” But I don’t know if it was the healthiest thing for me to do. I’m at a loss

My husband/partner of 35 years has recently been diagnosed with liver disease, underwent paracentices, had to return to the hospital ER due to infections in the ascites fluid which accompanied HE. I’ve learned so much, but have so many questions. He’s 76, I’m 64. And he tips the scale at 360 pounds, and with his arthritic popping knees, is becoming more difficult for me to help him in his daily hygiene and care. That’s a lot of information and with it all there’s a mountain of grief, sadness, concern, and worry that I have to process. I’m trying to process it in small edible bites, so I will likely have many posts here, and my first one is about HE. He will sometimes say and believe things that are obviously impossible and non-sensical. He frequently will exhibit this when he’s waking from (many) daytime naps.
When discharged, he was taking 45ml of lactulose four times a day. His GI/Liver doctor has since dropped that to two doses, one in the morning and another around noon, so long as he has at least two bowel movements a day (he frequently has more). He’s also taking rifaximin twice a day. I keep hoping that his brain will fully clear and his odd statements/observations/beliefs will cease. But, when he has them, I’m wondering what the best way to deal with them are. We’ve developed a way of saying “You’re mixing a dream with reality” and he will usually acknowledge it, but sometimes he is quite insistent that there’s a fire under the tv, or he dropped a cookie, or that someone loudly dropped off some caged animals at our front door. (All three were today, with the last one being when our home-care nurse was stopping by for a visit.) He is typically not argumentative, but is starting to get frustrated with my excusing his talk as dreamtalk when the issues/imaginations seem quite real to him.
How do you deal sensitively and with kindness when someone you love is insisting on nonsense being reality?
Will he get fewer and fewer of these over time as the lactulose does its work?
Thank you in advance. Finding this sub is giving me hope and some sense of community.