Dwg home plans

I (25 NB) met my friend (26 NB) at work, we have the same position at work and usually end up paired with each other. We get along great and have a lot of similar interests. I’ve given them rides home from work a lot cause we live near each other, and I thought we’d developed a strong friendship. They’ve worked at the company a little longer than I have, I’ve been working there since August. We’ve only been friends really since Januaryish when I got promoted.
Anyways they kept requesting we hang out together outside of work, I didn’t see this as odd because we’ve hung out together outside of work as a friend group, I have many friends at my job and we usually do group outings or parties, so it wasn’t odd to me that they wanted to hang out. The day they wanted to go out, none of my roommates were available to go with. 2 out of 3 of my roommates (25 M, 23 F and 25 M) work at the same business. So I went with them on my own, they seemed ecstatic that it was just the 2 of us. I picked them up and we initially just planned to go to the mall. We walked around, talked, bought stuff and eventually had lunch.
They kept staring at me which I found awkward but figured because we’re both autistic that I was uncomfortable with the eye contact or they just happen to make a lot of eye contact. They also keep walking really close to me and “accidentally” bumping my hand. After the mall they still wanted to hang out so we went to the thrift store and had a lot of fun making fun of the silly knick knacks, we both love Fallout New Vegas so they were looking for a jacket that looked like Benny Geckos from the game.
After that they still wanted to keep hanging out, at this point I was pretty tired but figured we were having fun. It’s hard for me to say no, and I use a cane for chronic pain so I usually need to take a frequent number of breaks which we hadn’t done yet but they hadn’t picked up that I was tired yet. I was having fun and at this point they did apologize about keeping me out for so long, I said it’s ok because I like long friendship hangout days, which is not a lie, my body just doesn’t enjoy it as much.
Next we went to get boba and they bought me a drink, at this point they had paid for none of my stuff, we split the food earlier and I lightheartedly threatened them to not spend money on me. When we were in the boba shop, they once again kept staring and moving their hand towards mine. I deterred this because it made me uncomfortable by talking with my hands which I usually do anyways. They were nice and listened to me infodump to them about tmnt (tmnts my special interest) but still continued their staring. I kept getting in my head that they were just being nice and I was ruining things thinking that they had ulterior motives.
I forgot to mention that they have a boyfriend (27 M), but they had offhandingly mentioned that they were poly. We then went to a gaming shop to look at dnd and pathfinder stuff, I had to pee incredibly badly at this point but they ignored my subtle pleas to leave, which understandably was my fault as I said I could hold it at the boba shop.
At this point I’m exhausted and in a lot of pain so I suggested we end our hang out after finding a bathroom. They still insisted on hanging out longer so I suggested they come to my apartment cause at this point I’d run out of stuff for us to do. This is where things got a bit uncomfy. My roommates were all home at this point but all left briefly to go pick up food. My roommate who I share a room with requested I don’t bring my friend into our room while she was in there, but gave me the go ahead to show them our room once she and my other roommates left to get their food.
I like showing my friends my collections whenever they come over so I saw no inappropriate reason to do the same. I have some Dnd, Fallout and Tmnt stuff I wanted to show them. I did my normal showing off my stuff thing. At some point I walked them over to my desk to show them my figurines, my desk is in a corner by my closet and bed so you can only go up to it from 1 side, I talked for a bit and noticed I was cornered. I have past trauma and hate being cornered, I kept making attempts to hint that I wanted to get out of the corner but they stayed firmly in place, even leaning with their hand on my desk to further block me in which I thought was strange.
Eventually I manage to slip by them by saying I wanted to show them my shelf on the opposite side of the room. The shelf is lower and next to my bed so I sit down to point things out. They then ask if they can sit down as well. I say yes and they proceed to sit down directly next to me, our thighs are touching firmly and they lean in on my bed with their arm behind me. I’m once again cornered and panicked now. I have a thing with my thighs where I HATE anyone touching them, it causes a violent reaction, my brain screams at me to bite, punch or claw anyone who touches them, I feel sick and absolutely enraged whenever it happens. I’ve been SAed in the past but even before that I had that reaction, my therapist says it might be a trauma response from childhood that I don’t remember.
I didn’t want to hurt them and luckily I have the violent outbursts completely under control so I just stiffened up and internalized the rage while trying to steady my breathing. They obviously know nothing about my trauma because we haven’t been friends for very long. So I continue talking about my 2003 rerelease tmnt figures and let them continue to touch me while trying not to cry.
Luckily my roommates return, and I immediately get up and leave my room to greet them. At this point I’m incredibly uncomfortable and wanted them out. But I felt bad if I suddenly kicked them out and I also was their ride. We decided to watch a movie in the living room, I sat in the couch corner and they decided to lay down on the rest of the couch while leaning up near me. One of my roommates picked up on the vibe and decided to join us for the movie, the other two sat at the table where you can still see the tv to eat their food since there was no room on the couch.
I decided to crochet during the movie to help ease my nerves. Every once in a while during the movie I could see them staring at me. Once the movie was over I offered to take them home. When I dropped them off they asked if they could hug me, I gave them a nervous sure, when they hugged me they put their nose into the crook of my neck which gave me the ick.
I’m not sure if it’s just me but I hate whenever I want a friend or just want to hang out with a friend and they turn it into something more without asking me! I’ve been notoriously “manic pixie dream girled” my entire life and I’m sick of it. If you want to go out with me just make your intentions known and ask me on a date! I wouldn’t have said yes but I think they knew that and felt the need to trick me instead.
I’m also incredibly turned off by the fact that their boyfriend just had surgery for appendicitis and is also about to have top surgery this week too and instead of caring for him they’re trying to get into my pants.
The whole situation feels icky and I’m so sad cause I thought I found a cool friend. They’re trying to get me to hang out with them again (even though their boyfriend is having top surgery) and I told them I have therapy and college dumpster diving on my days off this week and they’re trying to get me to work around those.
I just want some advice, am I in the wrong for feeling weird around them now or should I see how this plays out. I usually stick to dating women and other nonbinary people so they’re technically in the range of people I can potentially be attracted to but idk. I haven’t been interested in dating a lot lately cause I’ve been working through my trauma in therapy for the past year. My roommates also thought the whole situation was strange and uncomfortable. My roommate also asked if she had ever done anything like that to make me uncomfortable (she’s also amab like my friend), I reassured her she had never done that and that I feel very safe with her.

Just a disclaimer, I have ADHD, and I do follow CPT/cognitive personality theory.

• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?

— My parents (specifically my mom), is religious, but they’re never forced any of us (me and our siblings) to believe in the religion. Just participating in the festivals and certain rituals was/still is expected, though.

• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?

—If I were to spend the entire weekend by myself, I’d honestly feel kinda lethargic and dead inside—not because of lack of socialization, but because the vibes of the house is off when there’s no one. I can tell someone’s out of the house just by the pure vibes I’m getting. It feels weird even with one person gone (we’re a family of five; me, my younger brother and sister, and mom & dad).

• What is your relation with movement and your surroundings? For instance do you prefer a sport or outdoors event? If an outdoors event what is it? And why? If not what type of activities do you tend to engage in?

—My relationship with movement and surroundings, is that I think I have great spatial awareness. I’m able to carry and do things in certain ways in order to avoid any pointless harm (such as avoiding to accidentally hitting the door on my leg as it closes). The type of activities I do tend to engage in outside is mainly just focusing on what I’m thinking about when walking outside, or just waiting to go back home.

• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?

—I’d say I’m pretty curious—I’ve always wondered why something makes me feel a certain way, for example, in lit & comp we recently learned about film composition, and after learning some of the stuff, I was able to spot it in the shows and videos I watched. After said lesson, I was always wondering about whether or not if the creators I watched (especially on YouTube) actually used said film composition, but it’s definitely interesting to look for.

• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?

—I wouldn’t necessarily enjoy taking a leadership position, but I’m willing to do so, especially if a project in class is summative/part of our grade. I’d be the leader if no one else had already taken up the position. It does make me feel quite nervous when I am in said position, though.

• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?

—I’d consider myself pretty coordinated. I know exactly how much milk to pour in a certain glass, and I know exactly where on the fingerboard of my violin each note is. I can also catch myself when I’m about to fall pretty well.

• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?

—The past in my opinion, is something that can give you knowledge for the future. Basically, it gives you the info for what not to do in the future, and how to avoid X circumstance, the best way forward, etc.
—The future on the other hand, I believe is kinda something you could plan for, or have a very vague idea of, but you can’t necessarily do anything about in the present. It’ll come when it comes.
—And for the present, I believe that it’s the most “calm before the storm” scenario. Its characteristics can only be defined by the current situation that’s happening; there’s nothing you could do to mitigate it, other than continuously plan for its eventual outcome.

• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?

—If they’re asking for something like asking for a charger or something (such as in school), I’ll generally decline unless they’re my friend, because it just takes so much unnecessary effort to pack up your charger. If it’s something I’m interested in helping with though, I’d gladly throw up word vomit at them, and then usually regret it later on. Basically, I’ll help someone if it’s no effort involved in my side and/or if I have a deep interest in the subject they need help on.

• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?

—Productivity isn’t as important to me as much as efficiency is, but productivity does tend to make me feel good. I often find myself wondering if my attention to the efficiency is actually a result of my obvious laziness. Like, I would literally pack my tiffin box in a certain way in my lunch bag so that when I take it out of my back pack, it isn’t all leaning to one side. I’ll also always wear my jacket everywhere because they have pockets, and I’m always like, “what if it rains by chance?” And I’ve actually been saved by my jacket multiple times that way.

• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?

—I’d say I’m decent at strategizing. I could use it effectively, but I just end up not putting the plan into use, because I either don’t have the motivation, or the deadline has been so long past that it isn’t worth it anymore.

• What's important to you and why?

—Freedom of thought, and expression. Also the freedom of being able to silently judge others. Mostly because I just want to be able to have/own my thoughts and opinions, if that makes sense?

• What do the "highs" in your life look like?

—The “highs” in my life may look like when I’m able to turn in assignments on time, not feel complete demotivation, and able to live up to others expectation.

• What do the "lows" in your life look like?

—The opposite of my highs. I suppose I’m in one of my “lows” right now.

• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?

—I pay attention to the world around me, but I feel like I’m never really in the present. It’s like there’s always something going on in my mind regardless of what’s happening in the foreground.

• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?

—I’d probably end up sleeping tbh. But I’d also probably start over-analyzing my understanding of a concept or subject. For example, CPT/cognitive personality theory, or MBTI. Basically, I’d be trying to find multiple ways of understanding a subject so that I could fully understand it.

• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?

—I usually don’t take much time to make an important decision usually because the thing is important. And no, I don’t generally tend to change my mind once I’ve done so.

• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?

—Yes, usually in order to avoid being out on the spot for anything. If they end up asking me their opinion, I usually try to say it in a polite manner, usually starting with, “I think X because Y,” etc. etc.

• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why would you?

—I’d say I break rules pretty often, but they’re mainly arbitrary house-hold rules (the usuals, no phone after 10pm, no phone in the bathroom, no staying up late, etc.). I break them because in personally don’t find them logical.
—I do think authority shouldn’t be challenged as much as specific rules should be challenged. Mainly because yeah, they generally know better.

• What is the ideal life, in your opinion?

—I honestly have no idea at this point.

Little weird one...
Met this girl on hinge a few weeks ago and it started out great. We were texting what seemed like non-stop, and initially bonded over one of my captions stating I need a Wedding date for some weddings I am going to this summer.
Last Saturday I invited her out and after her wanting to, she didn't due to her living an hour away and having a broke down car. Later that night around 2 am as I got home from the bars she was spamming me that shes coming to my city and how her and her friend want to come drink and stay the night. I was out for my birthday so I was more drunk than I should have been and kept drifting off and waking up. She got to my house closer to 5 am, and I said she can come in but I am sleeping instead of drinking and she ended up going to her friends place that she brought with her.
We were sort of planning brunch Sunday morning but I didn't give her a definitive answer, and she ubered back to her city, While on the uber back she was begging me to come to her city. First for brunch, then dinner and ultimately we decided on Dinner. She went fishing on a boat with some friends (I was thinking maybe a date type thing but she claimed all dudes on the boat have GFs and its a friend group) and lost her phone in the river and didn't hit me up till monday.
This is the turn... Monday she apologized saying she lost her phone (she was texting me on an iPad) and she just went kind of distant. Not responding in the same style, long responses, etc... This went on to Wednesday were I hit her up saying if she still wanted to be my wedding date as one was coming up soon and I had to let my friend know if I had a +1 due to a head count. She apologized for being distant, said she really wants to be my +1 and that was that. Thursday we picked up the conversations and while it wasn't as good as the beginning, she was responding fast. She ended up leaving me on read and we haven't hit each other up since.
I know I have only known her a few weeks and while yes I do talk to some other girls, she just hasn't left my mind. I leave for a trip here Saturday for a couple weeks and was thinking about hitting her up when I'm back but I just can't shake this one... Thoughts?

hi everyone i’m just asking for opinions and advice for how to go about my situation regarding work.
since i recently returned to working about 2 months ago as my POTS was stable enough for me to be able to attend uni and i was struggling financially and needed money to help my family and afford my doctors appointments.
i scored a job at a chemist/pharmacy in retail sales, doing stock and also cashier stuff. in my interview i told them about my health issues and they were very accommodating; they put chairs around the store/at the register, they gave me an extra afternoon break and even gave me an exemption from doing stock with the ladder. so for the first few weeks i was able to handle it.
but recently my health has unexpectedly declined so much, i am practically back to where i was when i was in and out of hospital last year and i think i have about another 2 weeks left in me before i will not be able to even get out of bed (and i am seeing my doctor about this and he is more than aware). i am inevitably going to have to stop working honestly in the next few weeks, because i am also mentally exhausted as well and i have been coming home and crying because i am so upset that i couldn’t even manage to handle this.
i do not know how to approach this with my boss as i am so afraid i will seem like i have been wasting their time or that im just a failure and not a hard worker when i have been working so hard at this job. if anyone here has quit their job because of their health and could offer me advice please do share!
currently i planned that i am going to talk to one of my co workers that i have become friends with tonight, and then i am thinking i will message my manager and asking to speak to him next week.

My (26F) boyfriend (32M) says once a month he feels like the relationship is coming to an end. Around my period I get really agitated and am in pain and prefer to be on my own to avoid snapping at my partner. We have communicated this and it was fine, but this weekend I found out that it feels like I'm two different people, he's stepping on eggs shells around me and he can't be himself and questioned why I can't be all lovey dovey and cute all the time.
I apologised and asked what I do to make him feel like this and I explained that I'm human and hormonal, and some days after work I just want to go home and wind down on my own (we don't live together). I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD and am coming to terms with this, I burn out and explain this to my boyfriend that I need a day or two where we don't have plans to see each other and do our own thing, at the time he agrees but then it's thrown back in my face "I'm just used to it now, you wasn't like this last month" and other comments like this. I now feel the need to mask how I feel to avoid these negative feelings he's experiencing. I also feel like I shouldn't feel the pressure of being the same and happy all the time. Ive looked up treading on eggs shells and it says not being able to / fear of being your self or saying stuff to avoid the other person getting upset or angry, which has never been the case so I'm confused if this is subconscious for him or if I genuinely make him feel like this. These comments have upset me and I'm taking a few days to reflect on myself and thinking of ways to move forward. My immediate thought is to end the relationship because I'm not making him happy and I'm difficult and it's hard to get out of this way of thinking. How can I improve this ? And seem happy all the time ?

So yeah well here we are.... i finally lost my airpods pro 1 which i literalley bought right at release date. I lost them in my own flat, and i know ill never find em again since they were not in the case -> no findmy even tho that **** enyways never really worked. Since i use or should i say used, my airpods at least for 12 and in average for 16 hours on a daily basis. I cant wait for em eventually popping up somewhere at home and have to buy new ones. now i techically could buy two sets of earpods one with 3.5mm for the mac and one with lightning for my phone. Or i buy the actual airpods pros.
Question is: will there be new pros within a few weeks/months ? Im so so so annoied that i have to buy new ones cause i got my old ones replaced with applecare for as much as i could there battery would easely have lasted for a year or two more , and i calculated that budget verry precise so, my "buisness plan" is screwed up now. i dont want to be frustrated even more by buing the current gen airpods pro just to get fooled by apple bringing out a new version in a few weeks/months and probably even a looslesss version.
What should i do? buy new ones? buy earpods and wait for a while (notice earpods spending would be total 50 bucks in my place), airpods pro spending is total 230 bucks (with applecare) waiting for my current ones to pop up is an option but i still would need the wired ones in a least 2 days due to my work. i have to be able to stream stuff constantly. may i should also note airpods max are no option cause they dont fit below my motorcyycle helmet.
what would you guys do ? buy wired ones + the dongle for 40.- and wait for the new pros or just get the actual pros ?

My gorgeous 10 yr old cat was hit by a car recently, we live in the country side with a very slow road nearby, the driver was going way too fast and our lovely Frank who never goes that way was hit and died immediately. The grief is over a helming and I miss him so so much, as do my children.
I don’t want to get another cat as I’m still hurting, but I do think it would help the kids, we also need a cat in the house because of mice (country living) and perhaps it would help having someone to cuddle.
My only reserve is: we go on our one and only holiday end of August, we would need to rescue a kitten due to having kids and adult rescues needing quieter homes.
My question: we have a cat sitter already planned for that time, I still cannot bring myself to tell her he’s died and cancel. She would come in daily but that’s not enough for a kitten. I could have her come in twice or a family member but again, I’d worry they’d get lonely. I wouldn’t want to board a kitten that’s younger than 6 months. Should we simply wait until after summer?
Thanks, from a very, very broken hearted human.

I don't really no where to start. I feel I've lost myself, consumed with anxiety and guilt and fear and regret and I fear, this new fear, that it's going to be the end of me if I don't start to get it out in some way, shape or form.
I guess I'll begin at the beginning...
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I had a difficult childhood with fairly neglectful parents. A mother who openly expressed she never felt she really stepped into her mom shoes until she gave birth to my younger sister, who is three years younger than me. She is my only sibling. My mother told me when I was a kid that she "had to love me", but when my sister came around "she was finally a mother and over the moon", or simply "I always always wanted a girl". I'm not sure if this could be attributed to Post-partum depression, not that she ever researched that or was daignosed with it. That's probably just me trying to pardon my mother or something to the effect. She was 17 when she had me and I'm sure times were different then, my parents both were raised religious, father christian, mother mormon. Maybe their guilt. I ask myself why they brought me into this world if I wasn't wanted to begin with. Or, give me up for adoption to a set of guardians that would have loved me better. I know I was an accident and that's not what gets me down, I get that life be lifing and what happened happened. My difficulties stem from the feeling that my presence never gave my mother any sense of purpose, responsibility or love, or concern. She was emotionally unavailable to me virtually my entire life and I feel like that caused many issues later in my life and how I perceive myself and what I deserve. Coupled with the fact that my neglect met such extremes that I am frankly shocked that I was never picked up by child care services, maybe things were different in the 90's. I'm not sure, I was just a child then.
Much of my upbringing I didn't receive a lot of the things most people would consider essential. As a baby my crib was the sock drawer, then I grew large enough to have a closet, then slept on the floor of a walk-in closet, then I had a single bed from what I recall for maybe a year or maybe two years and I remember feeling metal springs poke me in the my ribs and I recall it being uncomfortable enough for me to move back to sleeping on the floor next to the ratty old used mattress my father found from who knows where. I remember feeling like I had to keep that secret, that the mattress they gave me was uncomfortable enough for me to sneak sleeping on the floor next to it. I think I was really afraid as coming across as ungrateful. My father came from a third world country, so the "gratefullness issue" was address frequently by my mom because "I don't have it even half as bad as what my father had to endure. And she was probably right. But it just silenced me ultimately, didn't put things into a mature context for me. I just learned that I can't complain about anything ever. Anyway, that trend didn't really change when I grew older. grade 9-10 I was sleeping on the living room couch so my sister could have privacy and a bedroom to exist in for herself - which I realize is important for an individual so I encouraged her to have the bedroom. Although I figured my parents expected me to do this for my sister regardless. I was okay with making sacrfices for those I love, it was instilled in me from a very very young age.
I do feel like my father took advantage of me in the form of labour as well, having to do custodial work with my father from 10pm to 3am, at two highschools I believe he was contracted, at that young age I honestly enjoyed just spending time with my father I think, working alongside him. When I was in grade 2 and 3 I had garbage bag duty for all the students bathrooms, and I remember loving snapping the bags open by rushing air into the bag and making it blow up like a baloon. I remember the scary unlit shadowy hallways that I couldn't perceive the ends of. No bodies to see, it felt eerie but exciting in a way - like it was a whole different world.
School was a different experience for me. It was very stressful, my parents had to move a few times a year because they would dodge rent or just generally be selfish with their dual income. They loved to party hard on the weekends. I remember wondering why my father did this to himself all the time. Hoping that we could spend quality time on a saturday, but he wouldnt get out of bed until just before dinner. I didn't really understand hangovers or alcoholism and how it meant our plans would get cancelled. I think I remember trying to wrap my head around willful self-poisoning for entertainment and how could that be more enjoyable then spending time with your son? I couldn't tell my mother why I was so sad about it. Why I didn't want to move again and again and again. Why I found it so difficult to make new friends everytime I had to switch schools. Why I couldn't just do one single full school year with one class of students. It was so hard and at the time, I didn't know anything different. It was so hard to make friends and I think it created this approach to making a "new family" of friends when I became a teenager and young adult.
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I remember always wanting to be a "good kid". The "best kid" for my parents. I feel like my parents attached this moniker to me that made things harder for me to mature into a rounded adult later in life. My parents always flaunted me as this point of accomplishment, the accomplishment that I was "so extremely well behaved". I would strive to be super polite, and a good host, try to help out when my parents had their friends over, literally fill their cups when the opportunity presented themselves. I think I did this because I must have made the conclusion that if I was quiet, super polite, helpful and useful then I had value. That I could be loved. That I could earn this love from my parents through acts of service.
I remember feeling like my sister and I had extremely different experiences growing up. When my parents were at work I took care of her, cleaned and cooked. one time my sister told my mom to eff off when she was 5 and I was 8. My mind was blown. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she had the bravery and courage to defy my mother. Looking back, my sister was just mirroring the language she learned from my parents from whenever they fought. I remembering seriously worrying and getting scared that my father was going to belt her, or use the coat hanger, which was his preference with me. I feel like my mom was always checked out and I'm hurt that she allowed my father to take his rage out on me. That my mom could care less about me being beat, but never my sibling. It was very confusing and difficult for me to process. Not that I really processed it much as a kid. I honestly just wanted to be loved and be the best child possible. Honestly though, 'm seriously so glad that my sister was spared all of that complete non-sense. I don't wish that on anyone in the world. There were some punishments where he would walk in and tell me to pull my pants down without explanation. I have memories of tearing up and saying I didn't know why this was happening, asking what I did wrong and he would just remind me that if I resisted then I would get it worse and to hurry up and get ready. My father has since apologized. I think it is how he was raised. I didn't know what to say in response, but I told him I loved him and it's in the past. But I don't know if I was being honest when I said that. My mother would still gaslight me to this day if any of this became topic of discussion, not that I'm guessing. A year ago she told me that much of my pained memories were false and this never happened. My father on the other hand typically stays pensive and unchallenging.
It seems so damned crazy writing all of this out, it feels like a heartbreaking novel and not my life at all. But it was and is my life. I have difficulties opening up and expressing my feelings and advocating for myself when the moments are true and appropriate to do so. I know it's the healthier way to communicate, but I was literally taught to stay quiet and be useful. Fast forward 20-25 years and I'm going to be 35 and I feel like just ending it all. Every year my birthday passes and I'll get a text from my family happy birthday. But they know I'm in a difficult place, they know I miss them, they know I love them and forgive them, I try the high road whenever I can but I just don't see the point anymore. they won't celebrate my life and existence, but they'll throw family gatherings for each other, birthdays, christmas, fathers day and mothers day.
On that note, another mother's day has recently passed and my mother never invited me over, I texted my father three weeks in advance in hopes of securing a time to come over and celebrate my mothers life with my family as a family. I felt particularly stung this mother's day when they celebrated and didn't text or call to invite me over. I live in the same small town so it's easy to hop over. I literally live three blocks away.
Anyway, my mother was diagnosed with cancer over christmas this year and I have been worrying for my mother ever since and thinking about my life with her and the mortal coil and the finite mount of time I may have with her. I feel like there is a large empty part in my heart that wishes my mother and I could go grab a coffee together. She can show me her ipad app art that she has been really excited about for a couple years now. She loves showing off her digital art and I love seeing her joy and how proud she is about her art. I just don't know why she couldn't feel the same for me, her only son. Maybe I'm just a her dissapointment.
I dropped out of highschool and left the family home when I was 16. I just couldn't work for my dad during the night AND go to highschool AND socialize. Something had to give. Unfortunately it was highschool and my parents didn't really care about that at all. They were just... fine with it. they supported my sister through college and she was fortunately able to graduate with a veterinary degree of sorts. she still lives with them now as she pays off her student debt, but I left and travelled and worked on music for over a decade so I admit that I was entirely out of the family picture for some time. But as I get older, not wanting to repeat the mistakes of my parents I fear that that is precisely what's been creeping up in my life.
five years ago I met the absolute most wonderful human being and I am so lucky to have my partner in my life. She and I are engaged now and set to be married. I hoped that the news would overwhelm my parents with excitement and joy. Maybe a facebook post about their son, share some family pictures or something. But they did nothing at all. I think they showed off pictures of the trip to Mexico that week instead.
I just don't really understand how I'm this unworthy of their love and unfortunately now I'm realizing that illusion that I am unworthy has infected my relationship with my fiance. I love her so much but when I can't fix everything in her life I feel like I am the failure and the guilt overhelms me so much and the guilt is such a strong motivator for me, and it usually motivates me into becoming the biggest doormat in the world. I've never worked harder for a relationship or invested this much energy. I feel she deserves it. But I don't advocate for myself. So I build up resentment. Like I clean the house constantly and work and help bail out of her bad spending habits and cover her rent without question and this and that. To be clear, she doesn't take advantage of me and that's not how I feel about it. But I do let this annoyance build up inside of me because I don't know how to communicate my feelings in a healthy way. I'm scared I'll lose the person if I speak up, or I'll be gaslit. Again, that's not my partner that gaslights. That's just generally how I feel I'll be treated if I open up with people. It all goes back to my childhood. It's affected every friendship and work relationship I've had since.
When I was 20-ish, 15 years years ago I did the classic, "seek the relationship that most comfortably fits into the patterns you experienced with your parents". And so I trapped myself in a horrific and extremely damaging relationship with a girl I'll call K. She has undiagnosed bipolaBPD, she would never seek help but self-medicate. She ended up in the hospital maybe four times for self-harming and this where she was considered to have these diseases by a few doctors on different occasions. Anway, it turned into a relationship of abuse and it wasn't exactly new territory for me. I was ashamed in that 8 year relationship. I wanted out so bad, but she would threaten to unalive everytime I tried to get away. Of course, some weeks would go by and i would get my hair pulled out of my scalp, a knife waving in the air in front of my face, spat in the face, kicked, punched, bit, a pot of freshly boiled ramen soup thrown in my face and eyes. What's worse is that I seeked police intervention on multiple occasions. Every single time the police visited, they talked me out of pressing charges, asking me " well if she doesn't have any place to go, then do you have a place you can stay at, or the shelter?". twice they talked me out of a restraining order, that legal proceedings would take forever. Adn de-escalting me from wanting to take measures to ensure my safety because she may end up on the street as a result. To this day, I absolutely wish I advocated for myself here and pushed for a restraining order. I'm so mad at myself for not doing so.
Unfortunately, fast forward a couple years into that relationship and one evening everything would finally hit the fan. I told her to never touch me again and I absolutely meant it. she had just yanked out the largest chunk of my hair to date, to the point where my scalp was bleeding and I could even see epidermal matter still attached to the folicle ends that were in her clenched fingers. My head bled a bit and I pushed her off of me. Telling her that I needed to leave, that I was walking to my secure jam space just a 10 minute walk away. It had a leather couch in a cold concrete basement, but hey at least I would be safe for the night and I could play my drums and try and blow off this anxiety and fear in a way that was safe albeit very noisy.
She hated that I wanted to leave and convinced herself I would never return. To be fair, that was the energy I had. I never wanted to see her face again and have her name on my lips after that night. So her tactic was simple, to threaten me with calling the cops and tell them that I violently pushed her. I called her bluff and said "go ahead and I will just tell them everything you've done - yet again. All I am doing is going to the space to sleep, I said, maybe play drums." She called the cops and told them she was pushed into a wall, and she felt very unsafe. Which yes, I did push her off me when she attacked me. In the past, I tried various tactics, to run away didn't work, she just always chased me down. Or sometimes I would just sit there while she was violent against me and I just "dissapeared" kind of like how I would when my dad used his coat hanger. This time, I just pushed her off of me, I was done with the relationship at that point and we both knew it. Anyway, she called the police, they arrived and when questioned I told them that I pushed her off of me in self-defence. I was drinking that night and it didn't help my case as I was arrested without question that evening and I was charged on the spot without question with domestic assault. It devasted me. I asked the police how this could happen lawfully. That she is an abuser and there is a history of this multiple times. That I've requested a restraining order. They explained that in quebec the laws are a little different and in the case domestic cases, if there is a male aggressor against a female, then the male is automatically charged to the fullest extent. I was absolutelyu devasted by this. I can't tell you the amount of fear and anger I felt in that jail cell that night.
I feel so incredibly betrayed by the justice system, keep in mind, this is law that from what I understand is only in Quebec, I was there for music at the time with an old friend whom I am no longer in contact with. I don't think the rest of the country operates under law in this way. Now I appreciate that they are vigilant about woman abuse victims, but the law shouldn't be this absurdly biased. It just doesnt feel just and fair to me. Covert abusers shouldn't be able to take advantage of the justice system in this way, but it happens.
It was an awful experience, I was homeless for a couple months afterward, not allowed to retrieve my belongings, so I lost all of my life "crap" that I had built up, years of hardwork and investment. I mention this because I realize later in life that I have intense collecting behaviour. maybe as a self-soothing behaviour. But I love building up collections of my hobby stuff as I have many and I feel they keep me regulated and it's a form of therapy for me. In any case, I lost everything when I left that whole situation. It sucks, although ultimately it's clearly best that I got out of that dreadful circumstance. I flew across the country to my hometown and to be closer to my family and old friends from highschool. It's quite a small town mind you.
Unfortunately, my classic tendency to hide and not advocate for myself created an opportunity for my abusive ex. A year following those events, despite me assuring her that I had to block her because I flew away to start a new life provinces away. That I wished her the best. That I even promised I would never tell a soul what she did to me. Not to mention that unfortunately we live in a society where nobody really has an ounce of sympathy for a male abuse victim. I had every intention to keep that promise, but she couldn't trust me ultimately. I think her logic was maybe to just beat her ex to "the punch". Kill or be killed or something like that. I don't live my life like that so I don't really know what her plan was. But she made a bunch of posts on various social media platforms for all of our mutual friends, music friends, coworkers etc. that the relationship was over and she was free. That she got out of a cycle of abuse and she was ready to start a new chapter of her life. She never used my name, just that she was glad she got away from her toxic and abusive ex once and for all.
It was exactly like that night a year prior, she threatened me with this outcome she could design for me, and I called her on her bluff by saying I was still going to block her and I can't control what she does with her life or how she conducts herself, but that I was out and to never contact me ever again. She made me regret that decision.
The posts she made that day got so many likes and support from so many of our mutual friends, even musician mates that were closer to me than her, and it absolutely destroyed me, not just internally but socially. I no longer make music anymore and it hurts to go outside into the world because it feels like everybody sees me as this monster. And still I don't have a voice to inform anyone otherwise - except my family and my fiance. I have no friends anymore. They all left my life with the belief that I did all of these horrible and awful things.
I just don't trust people anymore as a result and it's just caused me to become extremely bitter and depressed. I ruminate on the past, maybe in attempts to fix the past so I can move on. So I could do better, so I don't have to punish myself for my mistakes in the past. But it just reopens every emotional wound I have and they never get a chance to heal. That was maybe 7 years ago now and I'm still replaying these events in my head every single morning for about 1 - 2 hrs. Then I go completely numb for the majority of the rest of the day, shallow breathing, and the mildest sadness that mascarades as fatigue and disinterest.
There are some days where I seriously fear for the future and I just feel like every cruel soul will inherit this earth and that's the future, they built this world of suffering and they deserve to inherit it. Their toxic flag staked so deep into the earth in reclamation. The future isn't holding any seats for people like us. I'm so heartbroken and defeated. I feel like white-wolfing my fiance because she deserves better than this traumatized person that hides from the world. I feel like giving her my collection of collections so she can sell it all off and pay off her 10k of credit debt, then with this act of kindness I can go out not feeling like a guilt-ridden defeated loser. And leave on a high note.
When I'm alone, I get trapped in these ruminating cycles and it's the angriest I ever get. It's reached the point where I feel like I am actually reliving all this past trauma every morning and I can't do it anymore. I just feel like I am so at the end of whatever this ride was.
I don't have any friends anymore and everyone but my fiance thinks I am a monster and it's just unbearable.
I just don't even know. I am even afraid that someone will read this post and suss through all of this and make the connection. Then I'll get another new email or random throwaway account with an insta message that says "I told you you would never be able to get over me. You can move on, but you will never be able to erase the past. Never truly. You know where to find me."
It's haunting and it's poisonous. I just feel haunted and poisoned and I don't know if there is a snake oil potent enough or antitode true enough to get me back to the generous, lighthearted, energetic kid I once was.
To whoever was willing to read through all of this, thank you for hearing me out. I don't know what advice I am even asking for here. I'm hoping just speaking this out into the world in some way can alleviate this misery. I don't know.

(Sorry this will be long also sorry for the typos it’s really late while I’m typing this)
Long time lurker in this subreddit as I was hoping to get inspired by some of the users stories though the inspiration lasted only a few minutes. What I’m hoping to get out of this post is some guidance or a wake up call as I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom with no upward motion. I know I need to be better than this and I want to be better than this.
I’m a 26 year old African American male , still lives at home with his parents , no real job at the moment (currently applying) and I feel like all my life I have been persevering,inconsistent , and always playing catch up. But this officially feels like my last chance to lock in and stop messing around with my life. I’m currently on academic suspension from my 3rd year of a doctorate of pharmacy program and in the appeal process to get reinstated back into the program I also got my pharmacist intern license suspended until I get reinstated to school again which is kind of hindering me from getting a job in a pharmacy. I’m trying to take the steps to make myself ready to step back into school and get my act together though I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START!!! I have not told my friends or family about it because I feel like I’ve failed myself and them. I take full responsibility for this. however, the factors leading to this situation date back to 2020. My life felt like I was on the right trajectory I had a great physical and mental health relationship with myself, great connections with family and friends,I had investments, I was planning financially for the future ,I had my own business as a strength and conditioning specialist and worked at a physical therapy facility as an assistant I graduated college with a double major in public health and kinesiology with an emphasis in clinical movement i took the mcat didn’t do too well so I applied out of the country for med school was doing well for the first semester though I began having trouble with my significant other and felt as though we were drifting apart and the situation I felt we were all in at the time was a bit much and it took a toll on me academically and in the relationship trying to balance a fun romantic life with a medical program that I was supposed to dedicate 4-8 years of my life to ultimately lead to me getting dismissed from med school due to not passing to classes . Following this news my ex got a job out of state and moved while I was trying to find a new career shift or professional degree to obtain I immediately landed two pharmacy school interviews about a month after applying and got accepted to one of the schools this career choice was never in my cards as I’ve always wanted to have a doctorate degree and work on that level. Few weeks after that me and my ex had separated officially and it took a bigger toll on me than expected and manifested in the worst ways possible for me . Instead of seeking therapy I copped in other ways. It impacted me financially I bought a brand new Mercedes that took most of my money I was impatient with my investments and sold majority of my bitcoin thinking it wouldn’t go up again (L move) my credit score went from 750+ to low 500’s by placing myself into 15k credit card debt paying for alcohol & weed (exponentially more than what I had before), clothes , and random vacations and dates with women from hinge and tinder all on top of student loans for grad school. I developed a sex addiction and added over 100 bodies in a span of 2 years . Had a panic attack that put me in the ER . All while dragging my way through pharmacy school (I’m more than capable of understanding and implementing the material into practice my study habits and focus were always elsewhere). Not to mention I think I have a social media addiction and my procrastination and laziness has led me to feel more anxious and depressed. My physical fitness and diet has suffered thought not entirely that’s pretty much the only positive habit I have since 2020. I just feel like my life is leading to a path of no return and I’ll be homeless one day. I need to turn things around I can’t always think I’ll catch up I have to get ahead and stay ahead. I want to be person that makes myself proud and inspire other young African American men or anyone who’s had odds stacked against them. How do I turn this around?

My husband’s behaviour takes a 360 degree turn when his parents/family come and stay with us compare to when my parents come and stay with us.
When his parents are here along with his sister and his Nani (they all come together and in total 4 ppl come and stay with us) he sits in their room or with the them all the time (after work and on weekends), he is proactively making travel plans and weekend plans, he is smiling and laughing all the times. He is an early sleeper and generally have his dinner at 7:30-8 but since his family has come he eats dinner as late as 9-9:30 always with his family.
Now compare this with my parents,he used to hardly spend any time with them and used to only sit in his room and used to only come out for dinner (15-20 min) and would go back in his room, on weekends he would only come out of his room for 30 min in the entire day that too for breakfast or dinner, otherwise he would take our son with him in our room and won’t interact with my parents at all. No weekends plans he would say that he only gets weekend and would like to relax and take rest. Always eat dinner at 7:30-8Pm and go back in his room to sleep. Hardly smile or laugh. When my parents came for the first time after 2 weeks he asked me when will they go back same thing happened when they came again.
My behaviour is neutral with his parents/family, I do not sit in my room all the time like he used to do, I also try to interact with them and try to make them comfortable unlike my husband.
But I feel bad for my parents as they always feel so out of the place whenever they would come visit us, my brother live in US and my parents are both retired and live alone in Indore whereas my in-laws live in delhi and have all their relatives living in the same society (all their relatives live in the same society at a distance of 500m), they have an amazing social life in delhi.
After marriage it took 2 years for my husband to finally go and visit my home, and during the same time I would have visited my in-laws some 10-12 times.
Why is the society partial when it comes to girl family and boy family. Why is it only a girl’s responsibility to adapt to her husband’s family. I hate this hypocrisy of our society, I have spoken to my husband about this but he would not change instead would punish me if I do the same with his parents. There fore I have to be nice to my in-laws when my husband treat my parents and family some low level citizens, my parents also tell me to never fight with my husband on this issue as per them ‘ladke aise hi hote hai, koi baat nahi humein bura nahi lagta’

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I’m still in shock, but I’m doing fairly well. Apologies in advance for unclear info.
My (M21) girlfriend of almost 5 years has apparently been fucking some guy -we’ll call him J (23M)- for a while now. She would go to J’s house occasionally to play video games with him and her old friend from high school (K 23M - J’s roommate). I told her that I wasn’t a fan of it, but I know K well enough and trust him.
2 weeks ago, I came back home from college for the weekend. She tells me (with no prior warning signs to me) that she’s depressed. I had noticed that she changed over the last year, but I thought it was because her cousin was rubbing off on her too much - which wasn’t entirely wrong. Then, she says something about “taking a break”. We have been very adamant through our relationship that there are no breaks. You’re together or you’re not. I knew she meant “break up”. She was crying hysterically. I told her that we should continue the conversation in the morning because it was late and I needed time to absorb the shock.
The next day, we talked for hours and ultimately decided to stay together until we each talked to trusted friends and her therapist before we did something we’d regret. We talked all week. I thought things were looking better.
Then last weekend, I was going home to talk to her. She says that she’ll be going to a music festival with a friend. She did admit that it was J. I stayed in the area and notified her so that we could talk. I met her there, went through the whole “what do you think that looks like? If there’s something going on, tell me. I’m done with the bullshit” talk. She lied through her teeth. I’m ashamed to admit that I half believed her. Fast forward to tonight, K texted me to see how I was doing after “recent events”. I stayed as vague as possible to hopefully get him to spill something. Come to find out, she’s been spending multiple nights over there every week. She walks into the house, ignores K, and walks straight to J’s room. Not even an hour after he tells me this (I have a new respect for this guy), my friend texts me that I need to ask about a guy named J. I called immediately and I told him that I just found out and wanted to know how he learned. He said that an “unnamed girl at the bar” told him. I also made sure to send my gratitude her way.
So basically, now I’m sitting here and can’t stop thinking. I’m on an adrenaline high. I’ve contacted whatever friends I could. Now I’m just plotting. I am strongly fighting the urge to say something, but I either need to confront her directly in person or get evidence from her phone. And she keeps it close (another sign I didn’t pick up on). The way I see it, I have 2 options.
1: I plan to go home this weekend, but I can leave as early as Thursday. If I go home Thursday night without telling her, K would likely let me in. Then I could just walk in, make sure I have video evidence rolling, and leave. If that doesn’t line up nicely,
2: I tell her that I’ll come over Thursday or Friday and wait until her parents are there. I’d start with an apology to her parents (they’re great people and both love me). Then, I’d just break up with her on the spot. As straight faced as possible. No emotion. I’d be transparent with the reasoning, but I won’t go too far because I respect her parents.
In both cases, I want no violence (of course). But I will have friends in the area in case someone flips on me. Mainly to take me home after because I don’t know how I’ll take it.
Whatever love I had is almost completely gone. It was like a light switch. And as everyone says: “I didn’t think my girl would ever be capable of that”. The joke’s on me I guess lol. But I know I’ll be fine. The way I look at it, shit happens. It’s over now. How can I respond respectfully but effectively? I don’t plan to do anything stupid, and I would never do anything intentionally to myself.
Which route would you take? Either of these two, or another way?
And what do I do next? I met her my junior year of high school. She was my everything for what would be 5 years in June, and she was my first everything. This feels like a total reset. How do I “find myself”?

In the early stages of building a dual occupancy home on family farm. We are working with a group to get the project council approved. They also offer a architect/home design service. They've quoted $16k to do the entire house design and parcel that in with the development application.
I'm just wondering if that cost is comparable to another designearchitect? It would be convenient to do everything with the same group but don't want to get ripped off.
We are planning a modest build, less than 180 sqm build.
It's hard to get a sense of how much m architect might charge for this.

https://imgur.com/a/0nZzr9W
I went to a hockey game tonight, and my friend had a free parking pass for the nearby garage. It scared me, driving a big truck into one of those places, but I got a great spot.
When we were leaving, he showed me the exit was a tight and awful turn. I started the turn, then stopped and asked him if I was good. He said yes, so I continued. Then I heard an ugly noise.
We pulled over at the next plaza and checked, but it seemed ok. Just dirty in spots. However, when I got home and tried to wipe away the dirt, I noticed some spots wouldn’t come out with water and a cloth.
I’m scared I’ll be a dead man tomorrow. I’m not positive I caused this, but it’s possible and I want to fix it. Can it be easily fixed?
I don’t notice any grooves when I put my hand on it. This is a new GM truck as well. My dad normally trades them in every year, but he plans to keep this one.
I am not handy at all, but I have a friend who’s a mechanic.

We closed on our construction loan yesterday and I'm trying to stay ahead when it comes to materials selections bc I suck at decisions. Currently, I'm looking into Windows.
Our 2900sf house will be built in North Alabama and the bid was 545k (I expect it to be more.) It will be built in full sun bc my husband loathes trees (our current home has 2 huge oaks that make an entire canopy above it and we're always certain we're going to end up with a tree falling on our house and constantly picking up limbs.)
The plan is to do spray foam for insulation to help offset the heat due to the full sun and dark colored roof (we think dark roof strictly based on appearance; still deciding).
So the quote our builder gave us (fully custom home and not a tract builder) for windows was 9k and that seems insanely cheap to me. It was for Ellison brand, single hung vinyl windows. We don't open our windows often bc it's the South and bc of bugs, so I don't mind doing single vs double in order to save some money.
I haven't asked the builder which line of windows the bid covers, so can't tell you the rating or any of that, I'm just wondering if I'm correct in thinking this is an insanely low number. He basically said it'll be around $300/window and there's 24 of them, 3 of which are picture windows. Not sure if that includes the few transom windows we discussed in our last meeting or not, but highly doubt it.
My husband and I went to visit the company he buys them through and looked at them and asked a few simple questions. I wish I'd asked how black vinyl windows do in the sun since we're in the a South and they'll be in full sun. Anyone have experience with this? They did tell us black windows cost about 30% more, although our builder told us the 9k wouldn't be too far off from covering the black windows. We've been very forward in that we want to try to stay on budget, so maybe he added a little cushion in there to give us worst case scenario???
So when it comes to affordable windows, what do you suggest? Are black vinyl windows a hard no? I'm the type that would rather spend a little more up front and have them last longer but my husband just says" trust the builder.. he uses them all the time so I'm sure they're fine.. let's just get in the house and see how they perform.. yada yada yada. I have a feeling windows will be what we end up strongly disagreeing about. I suppose I'm more cynical.
If you made it this far, thank you! I know it's a lot of rambling.

So we've been dating for 11.5 months, in which time we moved in together, met our friends and family, had trips, explored shard interests, and generally had a great time.
In that time, we've had 2-3 bigger fights, but even so they were not that bad: She had a small outburst in public while shopping and I raised my voice when we got back home; I made a joke in public which she was not comfortable with; she said that she was on the fence about having kids mid relationship, but it turned out that was because she is having trouble making longterm plans.
The rest of the time, since we first started talking, we've never spent a day not talking to each other via text or in person, and we never got tiered of it. We both do stuff for eachother: she cooks for us, sometimes I help; I've become tidier and help around the house sometimes (she has a thing for cleaning, but she toned it down); we say and show how much me mean for each other; we keep finding new activities to enjoy together; the sex is the best we've ever had, and getting better; etc.
So what the hell happened?
I was working from home, focused on work (I'm not a workaholic, quite the opposite). After finishing her remote work, she said she's going in the kitchen to put some chips in the oven and make some salads and I said ok and thanks.
Then time passed and she came upset at me, asking rhetorically if I couldn't smell the burnt food. I noticed it then and told her - I guess I got focused on my work, my sense of smell is pretty poor and put it out of my mind, thinking she would handle it. She said she went into the other room to talk to her mother and heard the timer go off (again, something I didn't hear and in all fairness, can barely be heard) but didn't do anything - I gathered she was expecting me to realize and handle it.
I need to mention that at no point did we raise our voice to echother.
I told her that it's ok and soon I'll finish work and help her with the cooking. She was still upset and asked angrily would I still do nothing if the house caught fire. I told her calmly that it wasn't the case. She then controlled herself and walked away, said she no longer feels like cooking, left the salads half done on the kitchen and, when I asked why she was getting dressed, said she went outside for shopping (which she did).
I let her go, figuring it was the best thing to do in the moment. Then, finished my work and called her after to ask what exactly she was planning to cook, so I can do it by the time she gets back. She told me and I told her I'll wait for her at home when she's ready to come back.
I made the food, she got back, I came at the door to welcome her, but she was barely acknowledging my presence and was interacting with the cat.
I let it go and asked if she wants to eat, and she said yes. She made some small talk about the cat, still being very cold, and I asked if she wanted to talk about what happened. She says she doesn't feel that we need to. I said that there is a little need, and she said she doesn't feel like it.
As you can imagine, I was pretty upset by this point, enough that it was starting to show. She proceeded to make small talk again, but I told her calmly that I wasn't interested. After finishing food, I told her I'll be going to the other room to rest and that she's welcome to join me (implied: if she wants to talk about it), but that it's fine if she doesn't (implied: if she needs more time).
Until the end of the day she never came to me and I told her I'll be going to bed, if she still doesn't feel like talking. She said ok and we slept separately.
This morning before going to the office, I asked again if she would like to talk. She said ok, and still coldly, basically the same things she already said, plus that she feels like she isn't heard and doesn't know if she wants to continue pursuing the relationship - my heart sinks.
I tell her that I'm not upset because she got angry (we had a few moments where she would have a quick burst of anger, but we were making progress), but that she was shutting me out instead of talking to me about it, like we usually do (she had trouble opening up in past relationships, and with me it was easier, but not all the time). She said that yesterday I was treating her like a child (???) and that it's best if we continue sleeping separately for a few days so she can rest better (she has some anxiety when sleeping and even slight noises can wake her up), though that's probably not the reason. At one point I asked her what she thought about yesterday while being alone, and she said that she was jealous of a neighbour that has a car and she has to commute (neither of us has a driver's licence, it's harder to get where we live, and we were planning on starting driving school together in roughly a month, after she got used to her new job). When I asked why she didn't use that time to think about our situation, she said that the world doesn't revolve around me.... She also said that she feels the relationship is too much work. I kept asking her what she means, but she just kept saying "i don't know".
Before she left, I told her that we've been happy for a long time, she told me how happy she was with me just the other day and love doesn't disappear in a single day, and that I love her. She said ok. I asked if she could say the same thing, and she said that she agrees that love doesn't disappear in a single day. I asked if she'd like us to at least hug, and she said she wouldn't like it but she'll do it if I need it. I said in that case I don't want it.
Then I changed my mind and told her I'll hug her anyway, before doing so. We cried a little, but she just said bye and left.
That's the long of it. I don't know if it's the external pressure, something I did or didn't do, anxiety because of the future, those damned burnt chips, etc.
She's not a bad person: she's usually very caring and very vocal about how happy she is and how much she appreciates me. She's also smart and tries to work on herself. She's one of only 2 girlfriends I've ever said "I love you" to, and the first one was my first love, ~15 years ago. I'm the first guy she ever moved in with because she wanted to and the first one she ever loved. We're also the envy of other couples with how good we are foto each other.
We both went to therapy in the past - myself in the past, for a few years, which helped, and herself for a few months at the middle of our relationship, which she said helped as well, but not as much as it could have.
We already know we want to marry each other (at least we did) and if we break up, I don't think we can find someone better for us.
TL;DR: We've been like soulmates for the past year but she suddenly got extremely upset/cold and says the rlationship might not be worth it.
I'm lost and heartbroken and I don't know what to do. It all just seems like a cruel joke. I don't understand what happened and I just want us to be happy - what should I do?

She said she wanted to go home. She said I didn't care about her unless she was leaving. I was just trying to understand what was going on. She said she was going home. I accepted that she didn't want to stay with me then but it was raining outside. "Can I at least give you a ride? It's raining and cold."
Her answer? "Oh, so you want me to beg for a ride?"
What??? I just offered her a ride.
"If you really wanted to give me a ride, you would have said 'I am giving you a ride home, let's go.' Not made me ask for it."
Look, at this point, I'm just confused. I did drive her home, and she left my car without saying goodbye. I gave her the space she needed and cried on the way home.
But no. She said I was codependent. She said it wasn't good that I was sad just because of her emotions. So, ok, I decided to take her advice. I went to the event we were planning on going on with friends to distract for a few hours. Before I left, she texts me.
"What are you doing?"
"Oh sorry I was getting ready to go to the thing."
"Oh. Fun! I can't wait for the next time you feel like shit and I can go out and have fun."
"Sick. Thanks for that."
"💋"
And then she blocked me everywhere.
I distracted myself. Then I got home and I cried. And I screamed. And I hit my head against the wall and yelled I GIVE UP I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO GIVE. Just that day we had gone through a workbook and discussed what our greatest fears were from each other. Mine were sarcasm and suddenly leaving. She had done both and she didn't give a damn. She actively chose to hurt me. And if it were me 2.5 years ago, maybe I would have had the emotional control to hold it in, to deal with things. But I didn't. I am a shell of who I once was. And I never have the power to consider leaving unless I am fully drained and feel like I can't breathe, I can't stand, I can't live.
So I packed all of her things up. I dumped boxes into my car and I drove to her house. I wanted to talk.
I knocked on her door. She opened it.
"What are you doing here?"
"You won. I don't know what you were trying to win, but whatever it was, you won."
She just stared at me.
I waited for her to say something. Nothing. Then, finally...
"What do you want?"
There was no chance of conversation. No "I'm sorry for using the things you fear most because I knew they would dig in and hurt." No. Just a what do you want? What do I want? To not be hurt. I want to not be blocked for 12 or 24 or 48 or 72 hours with no idea of what's going on until you decide that you're willing to come back. I want to not be put in situations where you say you block me because you don't want a wall of text, but in reality you want to hurt me fast and hard and then run away so that you don't hear the consequences of your actions.
"Your things are in the car. Please get them."
"OK. But only if you promise not to talk to me while I do."
"Sure. If that's what you want I won't talk."
The next day we texted and discussed things. Things were... emotional. Then she disappeared and stopped responding. That would have been fine, had her sister not called me looking for her since she hadn't been able to reach her. My heart dropped. Had something happened? Had she done something? I told her sister, "Hey, bad timing, but you should probably just go check her in person." And then, "And, not my business, but if you find her can you just let me know she's safe? Nothing else, I just want to know she's ok." Her sister said "Of course."
Queue to a few days ago. She asked me to hang out with her in person for a jazz thing. I said hey, look, I am very emotional right now. I want to see you but I can't today. Maybe we can talk in a few days?
Apparently that was the wrong answer.
"Honestly I'm just going to come get my stuff."
She did. And then she said "Leave me alone," so I did.
But I had no idea where we stood. Was this just another week-long block? I messaged her 4-5 days later.
"Hey, I just want to know if the plan is to go no contact or if there's a chance of staying friends or coming back to this in the future so I know whether to start grieving or not."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Sorry I don't want to be a bother I just want to know so I'm not on edge."
She called me. Man, that was hard.
I did my best not to cry. She asked me why I was crying. I said "Because you're my best friend and I don't want to lose you." She laughed. "You're the one that did this." She laughed. She laughed. She laughed.
I asked if theres a chance we would be able to either stay friends in the future or maybe come back to the relationship down the line after we had both worked on ourselves. She said "As long as you don't get emotional or controlling when you see me go on trips with other people."
Ow.
OK, maybe not. But what about controlling?
"You're trying to control me."
"What? When?"
"You're messaging my sister."
"I texted her once because I wanted to make sure you were safe." I then sent her the screenshots to prove this.
"You're contacting my family to try and control me. After we broke up."
"That was the day we broke up."
"LIES."
"What? That was Sunday?"
"You dropped my s*** off on saturday night. You texted my sister on sunday."
"Oh. Sorry. I guess it was saturday. Sorry, everything's been blending together in this wall of confusion and pain."
She laughed.
She said "Look, I'm just not going to be there for you anymore emotionally when you're never there for me."
"What was I supposed to do that night you wanted me to drop you off. Like, what was the best outcome?"
"Come over and hug me. Hold me."
"You said you didn't want to be next to me. You said you wanted me to take you home. And when I pulled in you just got out of the car and left without saying goodbye. Was I supposed to follow you into your house after all that?"
She changed the topic.
"But instead you chose to go have fun with your friends."
"Was I supposed to go home and cry alone? Can I not distract? I am not even sure why this started in the first place I am so confused and just wanted to stop crying and distract and go to this thing that you had made me confirm my attendance to just an hour prior to you leaving."
"Must have been nice having fun." She laughed loudly. "OK I have to get ready for work. Bye."
And then she hung up.
The amount of pain I felt in that moment. The amount of guilt. I did this. Even she said it. This was my fault my fault my fault. I shouldn't have reacted by dropping her stuff off. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't it was my fault.
But I had nothing left. She stopped caring about me so quickly. She laughed when I cried.
I sent her a final message and went no contact. I final sorry to top off the mountain of apologies I had given her over the last two and a half years.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just trying to stop hurting myself. I will love you forever and if you ever need me you know where I live and are always welcome in. I feel that I am causing you pain and maybe resentment so I will let you move on to somebody better for you now. Goodbye."
And then I went no contact.
It's been a few days now and the pain comes and goes. Sometimes it's unbearable. Sometimes it's replaced by anger. And sometimes I just wish she would have given my my shirt back, the one passed down to me from my mother, the one I held near and dear to my heart that she would steal to wear. She has the rest of my stuff but really all I want is the shirt and I'll be at peace. But I've now initiated no contact on my end so perhaps my shirt and what it means to me is gone. Maybe she threw it away already. I don't know.
And these emotions come and go and sometimes I laugh and then the laugh turns into a gasp as my chest is stabbed with the most agonizing pain I can imagine and I feel like a fish out of water, making ungodly noises as I hope to black out and make the pain stop. And sometimes I imagine her coming back through my door like she used to, walking in and kissing me and picking me up and carrying me to bed and laying me down and holding me, her skin against mine, her lips against mine, her soul against mine.
But now, when that happens, I just need to remember one thing:
She laughed.

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I went to a hockey game tonight, and my friend had a free parking pass for the nearby garage. It scared me, driving a big truck into one of those places, but I got a great spot.
When we were leaving, he showed me the exit was a tight and awful turn. I started the turn, then stopped and asked him if I was good. He said yes, so I continued. Then I heard an ugly noise.
We pulled over at the next plaza and checked, but it seemed ok. Just dirty in spots. However, when I got home and tried to wipe away the dirt, I noticed some spots wouldn’t come out with water and a cloth.
I’m scared I’ll be a dead man tomorrow. I’m not positive I caused this, but it’s possible and I want to fix it. Can it be easily fixed?
I don’t notice any grooves when I put my hand on it. This is a new GM truck as well. My dad normally trades them in every year, but he plans to keep this one.
I am not handy at all, but I have a friend who’s a mechanic.

so basically I, (F19) have a history of men, its not something im proud of, i just tend to make shitty decisions when im under the influence of many things like alcohol or horniness. while im not saint, when i want to lock in, i do. i was in a year long relationship with a man and it went great but bec of some issues we broke up, no cheating involved.
recently, I have been going out a lot and meeting a lot of people including men. I met a guy who happens to own and host parties/clubs. I knew what I was getting into at first, but I wasn't thinking much of it i was just h0rby. After the first time we hooked up, I told myself never again because after we finished i saw his sheets were stained of cum not mine. I ghosted him for a bit, but then my demon came out again. And I saw him today. we had a lot of sex and cuddled naked and were sleeping on and off. While we were laying in bed together, I asked him what he wants to do with his life. And if he plans on And if he plans on just fucking bitches. his answers pleased me and he seemed shocked that a girl he was just hooking up w actually cared.
The thing about me is im a lover girl deep down. i just have some under lying issues that im working on. but i yearn for human connection.
shortly after our conversation, he asked if he could put a baby in me...point is our entire hang out was full of remarks saying that he wanted me to stop being a thot. We went and got food, and I ate with him and his little sisters together. he asked me what i was doing tmr and we made plans, there was a point where he said that his friends might go to our plans and I was like whyyy and he said you have to get along with my boys. It wasn't until minutes later I realize what he had said and I was like "wait why do I have to get along with your boys".. he smirked and i was like you want meeee and he said i want uu to stfu. we get to my house and he grabs my hand and kisses it and weve been texting since i got home. i told him i don't wanna fuck tmr and i said do u still wanna see me? he replied yes, then i went for a long shot and said we could go on a date. he seemed hesitant, but he agreed. then i texted him to figure it out im going to sleep gn. he said to spell it out and that ill see him tmr.
a couple questions: am i being delusional or does he want me for more than sex? if yes, what do i do? I feel like it would be hypocritical to say I can't cuff him because of his past. HELP