Content Warning:Mentions of Child Abuse & Gore
They called me a colic baby, meaning I was a seemingly healthy baby that was distressed for an unknown reason. The fits of crying mostly dissipated by six months, but they'd crop up every now and then into toddler-hood. When I became capable of babbling a few words, I would summarize my pain in a few words: belly hurt. Belly HURT!
My parents didn't have much money, but they took me to the doctor for a checkup anyway. After running a physical exam and blood test, they determined that I was merely an excessively gassy little girl and should probably eat a more gut-friendly diet. They also prescribed some medicine which would eliminate the gas and relieve my pain.
It was from that moment on that my parents gave me the nickname "Gas Girl" (which I despised). The name stuck for several years, and anytime I'd get a little stomach ache my mom or dad would say, "uh, oh. It's not Gas Girl returning, is it?" I'd glare at them with my arms folded and pout, saying, "I'm not Gas Girl. I'm Wonder Girl!" My parents would share a look, then burst out laughing. Just as I was about to shout a retort, my dad would open up his arms and bend down in that familiar pose which signaled liftoff, and all my childish rage detached like a racing sticker as I leaped into my dad's arms and he flew me around the living room shouting "Who is it? It's Wonder-girl! Here to save the day from Gas Girl!"
Anyway, just as the nickname wore off, the pain returned. I was about 7 or 8 when I had my first big episode. I was in second grade, and the class was cutting out shapes. The pain came on so suddenly I remember lurching back and falling out of my seat. The next few hours were a blur of adults: my teacher, the nurses, the principal, my parents. I remember how cold and alone I felt despite being surrounded by grown ups, and my stomach hurt so much I was crying pretty much nonstop.
My dad bought a bunch of OTC medicine to try and settle what he thought was a really bad gas episode. My mom laid at the side of my bed and did bicycles in the air with me. Hours passed in pain as my adolescent imagination conjured up images of an evil little elf blowing thousands of bubbles in my belly. I consciously pictured myself popping them, but every time I did, more were blown. My dad scheduled a doctor's appointment for the next morning, and my mom stayed at my side until I was able to fall asleep sometime late in the night.
I dreamed vividly a horrific nightmare. I was strapped to a black, metal box. A surgeon donning blue scrubs with white gloves and a mask entered the space in my peripheral vision. The air was cold but crisp, as if every bit of dust had been scrubbed out of existence. I could feel my breathing, my heartbeat, even my skin. The doctor stepped forward and I could see the distortion of a smirk in the folds of his mask. I expected him to say something, to tell me what he wanted, but instead he lifted my shirt so my belly was exposed. "It's cold", I said in a mumbly voice. He lifted his hand in the air, and I saw behind it off in the back of the room was what looked like the glass wall of an aquarium. I was confused for a second, but only a second. The surgeon plunged his hand into my stomach like a spear, splitting through the flesh as if it were the skin of a ripe fruit. The previously silent man began to cackle like a maniacal villain as I nearly passed out from the pain. I felt his fingers swimming through my guts like parasitic worms. My body shook as cold sweat and blood began to ooze from my pores. I wanted to scream but I couldn't make a sound. I could only lay there, paralyzed, as the evil doctor explored my insides.
Somehow I lost consciousness in the dream, but when I woke up, the memory came flooding back, and I screamed with all the force of a thunderstorm. My parents skipped the appointment and rushed me to immediate care, but by the time we arrived, the pain was gone. I explained my dream to the doctor, but he said it was normal to dream up reasons for the pain. They recommended a CT scan to screen out the possibility of an ulcer or internal bleeding. Despite my parents' scarce savings, they agreed to run the test. However, something deeply entrenched in my mind thought of the dream with the surgeon and I protested. "I don't want a test!" I screamed. "But, honey, how are we going to know what's wrong?" replied my mom. "Nothing's wrong now. I don't want a test."
Looking back now on my persistence, it should have been obvious that there was something wrong with me, but my parents, who were thinking of their finances, allowed themselves to acquiesce to my demands. The pain would continue into and throughout my teenage years, and the one benefit that I can credit to it was that it taught me how to endure pain and hide it well before puberty started. Compared to my childhood cramps, period cramps were around a B+. Very bad, but not end of the world bad. However, they'd stick around more reliably, and eventually the two began to combine until I could no longer discern between them. Occasionally I would have a nightmare and wake up with a pain that was a little higher in my stomach, almost approaching my chest, but it would always disappear by breakfast time, and the chaos of a teenage girl's life would once again reassert itself in the form of an outfit that didn't look quite right or the memory of every word of a conversation with a guy I liked or how my teacher was out to get me. Basically, I had become normal.
And then two weeks after I turned 16, my dad passed away from heart failure. Apparently the stress from a paycheck-to-paycheck life in sales added onto a bad diet and a penchant for alcohol was a recipe for disaster. He was only 49. I was crushed.
The weeks and months following his funeral were filled with teenage anger and resentment. I directed most of it at my mom, who I held accountable for not being strong enough to step up and help with the bills. One day, when I was searching the drug cabinet for some painkillers to deal with some bad cramping, I noticed a new prescription for a drug with a really long name. I looked it up. It was an antidepressant. From that moment on I stopped giving my mom shit, but I grew a bit distant from her. I started spending a lot more time with my friends. I became reckless, adopting a drinking habit and unsafe sex practices. I smoked a bit but I didn't really like it. I guess I was just trying to find a way to move on, as naive as it was.
Fast forward to my present situation, and I'm a college student. A junior to be exact. I ended up scrounging up enough money from working two restaurant jobs to see a therapist on my own dime, and managed to make peace with my mom before leaving. We both talked out all of our trauma and cried together, and from that moment on, I haven't had a drink. About six months ago I got on the pill. I was starting to see one guy consistently and I wanted to be safe, but also I wanted to know what it felt like to not have stomach cramps anymore. It was freeing. I remembered my dad lifting me up into the air as a child, and I figured it kinda felt like that. I still cry thinking about him, although I don't let anyone see.
Anyway, about a week ago I started having really bad pain again, but this time it was in my chest. I would wake up in my apartment (I share a 3-bedroom with some friends from the college) with heart palpitations. My heart felt like a snake had wrapped around it and was trying to choke it out. The pressure would give way to a burst of fast ba-dum's, then settle, then start again. I remembered my dad's prognosis and started to get really scared, so I scheduled an appointment with the on-campus doctor for the next day through the online health platform.
They told me that chest pain is no joke and scheduled to have me scanned at a nearby hospital. This was four days ago. My boyfriend, Kevin, drove me there even though I said I'd be fine going alone. I think I already knew our relationship wasn't going to work out long term, so I was kind of checked out. I felt bad about it though because Kev is actually a really good person, but our personalities just don't match. He's very introverted and doesn't like to go out, whereas I thrive in group settings. Anyway, he drove me and I ended up getting an X-ray. The doc came in to share the results and I was immediately put off by the dubious expression on his face.
"What do you mean the images are blurry?" I asked.
"Well, it's just… that. They're blurry. It's very unusual for this to happen unless you have a pacemaker or some other device implanted. Do you know if you have something like that?"
"No, never," I said with a quaver in my voice. For some reason I thought back on my childhood dream with the surgeon and felt the urge to vomit.
"Well, let's run a CT scan and see if we can make anything out." He soothed.
Normally the CT and MRI dock was booked for a week out but the doctor happened to have an open space for me that same morning, so I waited about an hour and then got in the big tube machine that took pictures of my chest and abdomen. He said he should have the results by Thursday. That was Yesterday.
I was driving onto campus for my 9AM class when I got the call.
"Hello, this is Dr. **** calling for Josie **** ." (names redacted for privacy reasons)
"Oh, yes, this is Josie," I said and fit the phone between my shoulder and ear as I tried to find a comfortable posture."
"Yes, hello," the male doctor said in grave way which made me feel like this wasn't going to be a short call. "I wanted to see if you were available to come in today for some more tests."
"More tests?" I asked. "What about the first ones?" Images of blocked heart valves and cancer presented themselves on my mental screen.
"Yes, well, I wanted to discuss the results with you in person. There was a bit of a … well, an inconsistency, and I didn't want to upset you—"
"Upset me!?" I blurted, my free hand flying out over the steering wheel, swerving my car toward the curb. I corrected, then lowered my voice, "sorry, I don't mean to be …" be, what? This is completely absurd. "Could you at least give me some indication of what's wrong with me? I'm just kind of panicking here."
The doctor was quiet for a moment, then returned. "Sorry, Josie, I didn't mean to spook you. Both the X-ray scan and CT scan are picking up interference which is unusual. It's possible it's just a flaw on our end, so that's why we wanted you to come back in—to do an MRI and really verify what the issue is. This one would be free of charge and we'd get you results same-day as we feel bad about the issues with the machinery. Do you think that would be possible?"
I took a deep breath. I still felt uneasy, but at least now there was some kind of explanation I could lean on. "Okay, yeah, I can come in. I have class until 9:50AM, but I can drive over after and be there around 10:15, 10:20-ish. Would that work?"
"That would work great. We'll see you then."
I spent the whole of my communications class thinking about what could be wrong with me, doodling my ideas down on a notebook. Heart disease. Cancer. Some kind of peptic ulcer. Maybe it was the pill? The drinking? Was this some kind of cosmic retribution? I didn't know.
An hour later I was back at the hospital. I expected to be ushered into the MRI prep room, but instead I found myself in one of the normal patient rooms, sitting upright on a bed. The nurse did the preliminary height and weight measurements and medical history. I asked about the MRI, but all she said was that the doctor will discuss that with me. Before she left, she handed me an assessment to fill out. It seemed to be a list of questions about the medical history of my family, specifically about our mental health. Does your family have a history of Schizophrenia? Have there been any instances of domestic abuse? Did you have vivid nightmares as a child? Etc. I marked the boxes, then set the clipboard down.
At last I heard the fated knock on the door, and my doctor came in holding an Ipad. The door was only open for maybe a couple seconds, but I could see multiple nurses and technicians peeking their heads in my direction, as if they were trying to catch a glimpse of me. That can't be good.
"Hello, Josie," the doctor said and clicked on the little TV screen. He didn't even look at me. I could see dried sweat along his hairline.
"What's happening? I thought I was going to get an MRI…"
"Well, actually we aren't sure if that's the best course of action." the doctor said as he clicked the screen and pulled up a series of images.
"Can you look at me, please?" I snapped.
The doctor raised his head and tilted it in my direction. His mouth was agape, his eyes wide as if only realizing I was here at that moment. "I'm sorry, Josie." He took a deep breath, preparing some kind of canned presentation, then let it out and said, "It's just easier if I show you." He pulled up the first global image from what I presume was my CT scan. It was a front-shot. I could see my organs as little geometric shapes and—
"Wait, what is that?" I asked, pointing at the screen.
"That—is the problem."
I spent the next minute just staring at it. Somehow, in between all of the organs, there was some kind of cylindrical mass—I thought it was my spine at first but quickly realized it was too wide and there weren't any vertebrae—and at the head of the mass was, very clearly, a hand.
"What the fuck is that" I said in a tone that was at once forceful and pointed.
"It appears," the doctor started, looking away again. "It appears that there is a mechanical hand in your chest cavity. It's attached to a piece of a forearm that begins at your stomach, here," he pointed, "and continues up until, well, it appears to be holding your heart."
Ten seconds passed in silence. Then I was hit with the equivalent of the laughing gas they give you at the Dentist's office. All the blood in my body surged to my forehead and I felt light as the very thin hospital air. "Hahaha!!! You expect me to believe that? What kind of fucking clown-show hospital is this? Am I at the circus?' I stood up and started toward the door. The doctor body blocked me.
"Please, Josie, that isn't it."
"Oh?" I said sarcastically. "Please, do tell."
"Could you have—oh, okay, okay,, let me explain."
I stood there with my arms folded, unrelenting.
"When we first had you do the X-ray there was a big blur. It was clear that something was blocking us from seeing the image. The CT scan was able to take some actual pictures of it. I know it seems, well, unusual—"
"Wait, what the hell is that?" I asked, gesturing toward the clipboard.
"What?" The doctor looked disoriented.
"Those questions. Are you trying to insinuate that my mom and dad implanted some kind of mechanical hand in my body?"
"No," the doctor raised his hands. "We were just trying to gather some more information… Josie," the doctor said as I once again headed for the door handle. "Please, there's more. From the blood test we conducted it seems that you're pregnant."
I was so done. "I'm on the pill, asshole." I sneered and swung the door open, ignoring the sets of eyes trained on me as I scurried to the end of the hall, ran outside, and climbed into my car. I expected to see a bunch of people in white coats running after me, but there was no one. I started the car as tears began to stream from my eyes. Fuck them, I thought and sped out of the parking lot.
I couldn't return to my apartment. I ended up driving for hours, working my way back to my hometown. I spent a long time thinking about all the things I had experienced growing up. The stomach pain, slowly working its way up to my chest. The vivid dream of the surgeon feeling around my guts. Was it really that crazy to think my body was trying to tell me something? Why had I decided against having a CT scan all those years ago? Why now? I didn't—couldn't believe what was happening to me. But was that just because I didn't want to believe it?
And then there was the pregnancy. I was definitely on the pill. I knew it wasn't Kev's, or at least I was pretty sure it wasn't. We haven't been having sex for a little over a month now. But did that mean that something else didn't impregnate me? My paranoia was at its peak. I considered the possibility that maybe it was me that was Schizophrenic. None of this made any sense. I wanted my dad. I missed him. I considered going to see my mom, but despite making up with her, I still didn't feel close enough to her to own up to everything. I wanted to be alone—needed to be alone.
I ended up getting a Motel about 10 minutes away from my house. It was around 1AM when I finally opened the door to my room and laid down on the bed. After hours of thinking, a single thought occurred to me like a kind of defense mechanism: if I really am pregnant, I'm not keeping the baby. I want it out.
Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard the notification sound go off on my phone, which was odd since I was sure I had set it to vibrate. I turned and grabbed it, unplugging it from its charging dock. I had received a text message from an unknown, 5-digit number: 66669. This is what it said.
66669: If you terminate my baby, I will crush your heart.
***
I haven't been able to sleep since. It's now 6AM and I've drafted this as a cry for help. Please, let me know what you think I should do. I'm too "in it" to see the details clearly. I feel alone and scared and paranoid. Someone or something is watching me. Maybe it has been my whole life.

Still treating them like family? And lets them near little girls when that person had drugged and SA’ed me as a teen for 7 years?
Right when I was about to file a civil lawsuit against my stepfather, my mother suddenly turned cold and called me evil. Then abruptly cut off all contact with me. And I fell apart. It took so much therapy and lost jobs to finally feel ok. 3 years later, I had to reach out to my mother to settle student loans details. To my surprise, she all of a sudden is acting kind, sad that she has been lonely, and I am here now suddenly comforting her.
Then yesterday I found out that turd stain was hanging around my little sister (who wants to be with her father), that he has a gf who is a lawyer with a son (luckily not a daughter), and I have this rage bubbling inside me to out him to everyone. Bc he deserves to be on neighborhood watch listed as a child sexual predator. But he is not and he is free to live his life and has a job at local very popular amusement park (think animation) as a security guard. Where he is around little girls and young teens. It’s infuriating and I can’t stop fantasizing about outing him!
How do you deal with this? I am going to file a lawsuit against him in the next 5 yrs as I have about a decade to get lawful justice (researched statute of limitations). However, only when I have enough resources to do so.
A (very long) backstory, mother abandoned me at 5 yrs old, I had a father who was a drug addict and wildly physically abusive. She shifted the blame of abandonment due to my father using me as a bargaining chip “you leave me and you leave her, or you stay with me, keep getting DV’ed and you can stay with your daughter”. She chose to leave.
Then years later we reconnected, she took me into her home where my little sis was just born and her bf of 5 yrs lived, and he immediately became a creep. I was 13 yo then. Slowly, he groomed me into believing he was looking out for me, turning me against my mother, told me all the bad things she said behind my back (which was honestly true, my mother was donwright neglectful and hated my face bc she said it looked like my dad.)
Then… after a year of pretending to be a friend to a 13 yo, he crossed physical boundaries and I tried to run for help.
Sadly, my mother didn’t care to listen even when I was sobbing for her to listen. And he rushed up, took me by the arm and told me to come with him in the car. And begun driving me to school. There, he cried, emotionally manipulated me, and said if I told anyone, my little sister would be without a father like me, my mother would be homeless bc of me. And that it would be all my fault.
And a few days later, he’d cross the line again. But this time, I cried in the bathroom scrubbing myself over and over again bc I felt so dirty, disgusted for what he had done to me. He had me drink shots of liquor, gave me illicit drugs, and would go to town when I’d black out. Other times, I would be asleep and he’d come in pants down, and just made me do it.
7 years of this and I am still getting flashbacks of times I had blacked out. Now hearing he is living free, unseen by the law as a criminal and pedo, with access to young girls, I am furious.
How would do you handle your own fantasies of outing the abuser? How do you handle connecting with family members who pretend nothing happened?
His mother (the pedo’s) literally told me I was TEMPTATION at 13 yo and that’s why he couldn’t resist SA’ing me. I was so shocked to hear that. Even looking at my lil sis who is now 17yo, she looks so young. How could a mid-30 yo man find a 13yo as temptation? How could his mother say that? Ugh!!

I have not heard from “my bestie” for over a month since her bachelorette party. We have known each other for 7 years, and since 2022, I have expressed to her how alone I feel and how depressed I am. I've shared with her that I feel I have no support system. Recently, before the bachelorette, I even told her that I started therapy and began my regimen of antidepressants, which has helped me immensely from my previous super-depressive thoughts. I want to talk about how the Bachelorette went, how I did not enjoy myself, and a bit of background before the Bachelorette weekend. For the sake of confidentiality, I will name the bride-to-be “B”. We went to university in London in 2016 and even ended up living together in 2018. We were super close, and honestly, she was my best friend. At first, I thought we were having fun, but I felt out of place. To reiterate how much effort I put into making sure I made it to the bachelorette, I am in law school, and I had to study two weeks' worth of law school material—torts and public policy disputes. I crammed it all into one week. Not to mention, I also had a group project, so I had sleepless nights, staying up until 3/4 in the morning to ensure I did not have to study during the trip. During the trip, I even had to log into class one day and talk to my group partners to work on part of the group project
A bit of personal backstory: My parents are Cuban, my grandparents are Spanish, and I have Spanish cousins living in Spain. I've been to Spain plenty of times to know the country well, and when I go there, it feels like home to me. Coming from a Cuban/Spanish culture, in Latino cultures, we naturally speak to each other in Spanish, and when we have parties, everyone dances and has fun—that's what I'm used to when I visit Spain.
Bachelorette Comment:
Going back to the bachelorette in March, I arrived thinking we would have a good time. However, during one of the nights, one of B's friends, who is from London (Let's call her Z), made a pretty racist comment. When I relayed this to my sister and another friend who is also Latina, they confirmed it was racist and not okay for someone to say. Because we were in Spain, I spoke Spanish during the trip, which is natural for me. We were playing one of those bachelorette games, and at least in my experience with bachelorette parties, you tell people, "Yeah, we're doing the bachelorette party, this is the person who's getting married," and then get them a drink or whatever. It's supposed to be festive and loud. We did like a bingo dare game, and to prove that we did it, we would have to take a picture with the person or a video. After one of the nights, the task was to dance with a stranger, and in Spanish, I was saying to a married couple, "Is it okay if I dance with you because we're doing a bachelorette game, and I need to take a picture to prove that I did?" I communicated with Spanish people in Spanish because that's natural in my culture.
On the Uber ride back, this girl "Z" said that I needed to stop speaking in Spanish and stop speaking to strangers in Spanish for our safety because she didn't understand what I was saying. She insisted I stop telling people in Spanish that we were celebrating the bachelorette because she didn't feel safe. Additionally, she and others in the group told me I needed to sound like a tourist and not like a local because they wanted to get into clubs without paying cover charges. I explained that we were playing a game, and that's how people knew why we were taking pictures of them. It is rude to take pics of strangers without them knowing why. She said not to explain to them, especially because we were in Madrid and I should speak only in English. I defended myself, pointing out that we made friends with some Italians on the first night because I spoke fluent Italian. She responded that the Italians were different from the Spanish people, which I didn't understand because it's essentially the same thing.
I looked around, and no one defended me. Because of this, I felt so uncomfortable from the conversation that I closed up internally, wondering what I was doing wrong. Was I ruining the trip? I didn't know, but I've felt more isolated from the group since this incident. During the whole trip, I had to be careful about speaking Spanish in Spain, where I always speak Spanish unless someone speaks English. These girls all spoke English, and most spoke more than one language, but I was the only one fluent in English, Spanish, and Italian, so I could communicate with almost anyone in Madrid.
The next day, we went into a club that we had tried to get into the day before and only succeeded this time because I finally gave in and spoke to the bouncer in Spanish; I got looks for speaking Spanish. In this instance, I sincerely spoke with the bouncer, explaining that Madrid is special to my friend B, who is getting married, and we are simply celebrating her upcoming wedding. He let us in for free when he previously charged the group an expensive cover fee.
Food incidents:
When we started the trip, I was looking forward to enjoying Spanish (Galician) cuisine, which is a big part of my cultural background and a source of personal joy. Initially, the group wanted to try Spanish food and indulge in local gastronomy, so I felt confident knowing exactly what they would love and where to eat. I even asked if it was okay if I ordered pulpo (octopus) since it was B’s bachelorette trip, wanting to make sure it was in line with her preferences. However, as the trip progressed, the group mainly wanted to eat burgers and fries, and the only Spanish items they seemed interested in were Manchego cheese. We were in a town that was the perfect opportunity to try local Spanish food. I suggested ordering a paella for the group, to which they agreed, alongside their orders of steak and fries. However, when the paella arrived, they indicated it was for me to eat, and they all continued eating their dishes. I had only a few fries then because the paella took longer to prepare and was delicious, but it was not meant to be eaten by one person alone.
There was another incident on the first day out. I'm familiar with Spanish tortillas, which are like a version of an egg frittata cooked with potatoes, then flipped from the pan onto a plate. They're meant to be shared. We sat in a restaurant where the waiter spoke no English, so I ordered in Spanish for everyone. I suggested that every two people share one tortilla because they would be large and too much for one person to handle. This suggestion was met with some frustration from the girls (Z & B), who insisted they knew what a Spanish tortilla was like, claiming it was small. I explained that might be the case in London, but here in Spain, they are substantial and take a while to cook because it’s meant to be fresh and huge. True to my words, we waited an hour for our food, which is expected for fresh, well-prepared tortillas. They expressed frustration with the wait, questioning why it took so long. Lo and behold, when the tortillas finally arrived, they were too large for one person, just as I had described.
A bit of pre-bachelorette drama backstory:
B is the bachelorette, and when she got engaged, it was expected and not a surprise at all. We had a group chat about it happening, and she called when it happened. Even though she expected it, it still felt surreal to her, and she knew the location where it was happening. Mind you, she was flown halfway across the world to be proposed to, so it was obvious for about a month that it was happening.
Months before the engagement, I had planned my birthday in Portugal, and she said she would be there. She was to fly there and everything. After being engaged, I still stuck to that same story. However, when it came down to it, she said she could not make it. I had told her I felt like she just led me to believe she would be there. The engagement was not an excuse because we knew it was happening well over a month ago—about two months, to be precise—and it was confirmed because she saw the ring order invoice. Then, the guy booked the vacation a few weeks ago, and before that, she said that she expected the festivities would start after they got engaged. Even with all that, I asked if she thought she would make it, and she said yes. Mind you, I kept asking her every month and then every other week as it got closer if she was coming, and we picked out hotel rooms. Yet, at the very last minute, she said she would not be there because she just got engaged and was busy... and mind you, the week before, she said she was looking into flights, which is why I said I felt like she led me on. She should have told me from the moment she knew she would not be there, or even suspected that she would not be there, instead of saying the complete opposite. I think she just knew she would never go, which is why I was so hurt; she lied to me. This is where she started not reaching out to me as frequently as before. Before, I would hear from her almost every day, and after this, it went down to once a week. But now, after the bachelorette, I have not heard from her for over a month.
I made an effort to head to London and made an effort to see her for a bit. I only had a good chance to talk to her last summer when she came to see me. So, I stood my ground and spoke my truth, whether she liked it or not (and she did not like it). This conversation lasted about two days. I was crying so much because, supposedly, this was my best friend, and she said she would be there for me, and lately, it felt as if she had not. I told her everything and how much she hurt me by leading me on. I don’t think she should keep doing that because friends don’t. I do not want her to invite me to her wedding out of pity or to be polite, and that she should have the people she wants at her wedding. It's okay if we are growing apart because we live in different countries, and I do not expect us to be as close as before. It is completely fine if she has found new people she is close with. She assured me we were still friends and wanted me at the wedding. I even helped with the rehearsal dinner planning and whatnot.
Since the incident on my birthday, she stopped liking my Instagram posts and sometimes blocked me from her Instagram stories. Honestly, I have no idea why. Additionally, she is having two weddings. When she visited me last summer, she assured me she wanted me at her wedding and kept insisting the first one was the most important and the one where everyone was going, while the second was just for family and cousins. I asked to know if I should get a lengha and the dress code for both weddings (if she wanted me to go). She insisted that none of her friends were going to the second one. However, the day after the racist comment in Spain, the other girls were talking about the second wedding and where they were getting their lenghas, talking as if I knew everyone was going. I felt so out of the loop and even more isolated.
Post Bachelorette:
Also, B mentioned that we were staying with her at the bridal suite. I said, just in case, I booked a hotel, and if the other girls needed a place, they could just split the room with me. Then, B said she would be in her room alone, which I thought was fine since it was her day and she should be comfortable. When I reached out to who I am assuming is the maid of honor, she said that she needed to be with the bride to help with the wedding, so I am guessing she is the only one staying with the bride, but honestly, I don’t care at this point because the hotel was paid for. I offered to help because she was stressing about not having money to book a hotel, which is why I offered in the first place.
I've always made it a point to check in on how she is doing. In my last message to her, she mentioned she was in prayers, so I asked how that was going, but since then, she has not reached out to me and left me on read. I'd also like to note that I was supposedly a bridesmaid. Recently, she posted a "bridesmaids brunch," which included all the girls from the Spain trip. She tagged them all under "bridesmaids" and tagged "here in spirit" with the other two girls who did not make it to the Spain trip but completely left me out.
Given that I have not heard from her, she does not know that I have secured a legal fellowship in Spain. I do not think I will make it to the rehearsal dinner; if I go, it would be cutting it close, and I would be very late. I finish work too close to when the last train leaves, but I can make it to the wedding. I'm beginning to feel that I shouldn’t even try to attend the rehearsal dinner.
AITA for missing the rehearsal dinner?

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Session Players can follow the same chord progression using Global chord track.
Add warmth to any track with ChromaGlow, an advanced plug-in with five saturation models designed to simulate the sound of vintage analog hardware.*
Separate a stereo audio file into stems for vocals, drums, bass and other parts with Stem Splitter.*
Session Players, ChromaGlow, and Stem Splitter also come to Logic Pro for iPad 2 — making it simple to move between projects created in Logic Pro for Mac.
Play any of six deeply-sampled acoustic and electric basses with Studio Bass.
Perform any of three meticulously-sampled pianos with Studio Piano.
Loops that contain chord tags will automatically populate the chord track when added to a project.
Three new Producer Packs are available: Hardwell, The Kount, and Cory Wong.
Original multi-track project of Swing! by Ellie Dixon available as in-app demo song.
Downmix and trim options allow custom mixing for non-Atmos channel configurations.
Exported ADM BWF files have been expanded beyond Dolby Atmos and can contain settings for stereo and other multi-channel formats.
Bounce in place adds automatic real-time recording for External Instrument regions or tracks that utilize external hardware using the Logic Pro I/O plug-in.
Route MIDI signals generated by supported software instruments and effects to the input of other tracks for creative layering during playback or recording.
Edit more efficiently using key commands for moving, extending, or resizing marquee selections.
The Nudge Region/Event Position key commands now also nudge Marquee selections.
The Transpose Region/Event key commands now also move or expand the Marquee selection up/down.
Pattern regions can now be created on Drummer tracks, and Drummer regions can be converted to Pattern regions.
New key commands include Trim Note End to Following Notes (Force Legato) With Overlap and Trim Note End to Selected (Force Legato) With Overlap.
Bounce in Place and Track Freeze can now be performed in real time, allowing for use of external instruments, I/O plug-ins, and external inserts.
Mastering Assistant analysis now can be performed in real time, allowing for use in projects that incorporate external I/O or instruments.
The Dolby Atmos plug-in now offers Downmix and Surround/Height Trim controls.
The Recent Projects list can now be configured to show up to 50 projects.
* Requires a Mac with Apple silicon.
Stability and reliability
Scripts with 1071 characters or more in Scripter no longer cause Logic Pro to quit unexpectedly.
Fixes an issue where creating a an event in a lane assigned to Note off in Step Sequencer could cause Logic Pro to quit unexpectedly.
Fixes an issue where Logic Pro could fail to launch with an Error Initializing Core MIDI message when the system is under heavy load performing other tasks.
Resolves an issue where Logic Pro could quit unexpectedly when a 64-bit floating point IR file is loaded into Space Designer.
Fixes an issue where Logic Pro could hang when opening a project while the Project Settings > MIDI window is displayed.
Logic Pro no longer quits unexpectedly when creating multiple Aux tracks with multiple existing Aux tracks selected.
Improves stability when bypassing control surfaces with Musical Typing open when EuControl software is installed.
Fixes an issue where Logic Pro could hang when quitting a project containing a large number of instances of Sampler.
Fixes an issue where Logic Pro could quit unexpectedly when replacing a playing Live Loops cell with another loop.
Performance
The UI is now more responsive when adjusting Flex Pitches directly on regions in Deviation mode.
Performance is improved when editing Transient Markers in Take regions with Flex enabled.
Performance is improved when making Flex Pitch edits in the Tracks area with a large number of selected regions.
Alchemy's Performance is improved.
Performance is improved when moving regions in projects with a large number of tracks and regions.
Projects containing a large number of flex-pitched regions now open more quickly.
Resolves an issue where loading a project saved with a Summing stack selected that contains Software Instruments that have no regions and/or with the tracks turned off could load the Software Instruments into memory.
Accessibility
VoiceOver now announces the state of Automation mode buttons on channel strips.
VoiceOver now announces the status of the Pause button in the LCD.
VoiceOver no longer announces hidden controls in the Smart Controls view.
VoiceOver no longer reads the values of pan knobs that are currently hidden in Sends on Faders mode.
VoiceOver now announces the state of the Details button and the Follow button in the Drummer Editor.
VoiceOver now announces left-click and Command-click Tool selections in the Control Bar.
VoiceOver now announces the name of the Time Quantize button in the Piano Roll.
VoiceOver now announces changes in value when the Next/Previous key commands are used to change Quantize values.
VoiceOver now announces state of key commands for Cycle, Mute, Track Solo, Input Monitoring, Track On/Off, and Lock/Unlock Track.
VoiceOver now announces the selection state of focused tracks.
Spatial Audio
Fixes an issue where adding a new 3D Object track for the first time to a Spatial Audio project could cause the Renderer to switch from the current model to the Apple renderer.
The Dolby Atmos plug-in now offers a 5.1.2 monitoring option.
Fixes an issue where setting a project to Dolby Atmos could output to 7.1.4 even when the mode defaults to Apple Renderer.
It is now possible to monitor Dolby Atmos projects directly via HDMI to a surround capable receiveamplifier.
The metering for Height channels now shows as post-fader on the Master channel as expected.
Loading a Master Bus channel strip setting in the 7.1.4 channel format now preserves the 7.1.4 channel layout as expected.
Session Players
Resolves an issue where loading a user-created Drum Machine Designer patch could set the input to a bus and fail to load the Drum Machine Designer instrument.
Using the Create Drummer Region command in a Marquee selection now creates a region that corresponds to the Marquee.
Smart Tempo
In cases where there is not an existing Smart Tempo Multitrack Set, selecting an audio file in the Smart Tempo Multitrack Set window and disabling the “Contribute to analysis” check box now causes the Update button to change to Analyze as expected.
Pressing the Space bar now immediately stops a Free Tempo recording.
Fixes an issue where projects previously open in the same Logic Pro session could unexpectedly affect “Contribute to Analysis” in the Smart Tempo editor.
Recording
Audio regions recorded to unnamed tracks now include the project name and track number in their name.
Mixer
The channel strip Stereo Pan control and the Pan menu now can be adjusted when Caps Lock is enabled.
Creating a single Multi-timbral Software Instrument in the New Track Sheet no longer creates two Software Instrument instances in the All view of the Mixer.
Resolves an issue where remaining tracks in a Multitimbral Software Instrument Track Stack could unexpectedly rename the channel strip.
Adjusting the activity status of a speaker in the Surround panner no longer causes the signal to unexpectedly mute.
Groups now immediately show as inactive when switched off for a selected set of channels in the Mixer.
Metering now correctly works on individual channel strips with plug-ins that send to more than two channels and are routed to a surround bus.
Option-clicking on a send in a selected group of channel strips now sets all corresponding sends to 0 dB as expected.
Fixes an issue where performing Undo after adjusting the fader values of grouped channels with Group Clutch enabled and then disabled could cause the faders to jump up to +6 dB when one member of the group is touched.
Setting multiple selected channels to No VCA now works as expected
Alchemy
The oscillator section in Alchemy offers a new Wide Unison mode.
All controls for Additive Effects now accept typed-in values as expected.
Values typed into parameters related to milliseconds (MS) in Acoustic Reverb are no longer interpreted as full seconds.
Resolves an issue where performance control destinations for modulation could show as duplicated.
Sampler, Quick Sampler, and Quick Alchemy
The Playback direction button in Quick Sampler now immediately updates when clicked.
The view now scrolls correctly when dragging the Trim marker in Sample Alchemy.
It is now possible to adjust the level of a group in Sampler up to +24 dB.
The Up/Down buttons for navigating zones in Sampler now remain available after adjusting the start or end positions of samples.
The general Zoom/Scroll key commands now can be used to trim the current view in Sample Alchemy.
Handles and Trim Handles in Sample Alchemy behave correctly when click-dragged, even when the plug-in window does not have focus.
The Ancient Vocal Chop and Baily Glide plug-in settings for Quick Sampler now open in Classic mode, as expected.
Plug-ins
The MIDI Scripter plug-in now shows in Logic Pro when running in dark mode.
Fixes an issue where clicking on Sampled IR in Space Designer could activate Synthesized IR mode unexpectedly.
Resolves an issue where repositioning the playhead could cause audio to cut out on channel strips that use Step FX.
The preset Note Repeater in Scripter now works as expected.
The wet/dry setting on Ringshifter is now always set to 100% wet when inserted on an Aux.
There's now a DI Delay Compensation switch in Bass Amp Designer to improve phase correlation when blending between Amp and Direct Box in the plug-in.
StepFX now includes presets using Sidechain.
The Beat Breaker preset called “Basic / 2 Slices, Speed 66%” no longer plays the slices at 50% speed instead of 66%.
Resolves an issue where ES2 could produce glitching sounds when using Sine Level or Poly Voice mode on Apple Silicon computers.
Mono > Stereo instances of Console EQ no longer can cause unexpected feedback.
Using the Delete all Automation key command while an Audio Unit window has key focus no longer causes the Audio Unit window to go blank.
The menu for the compression section of Phat FX can now be opened by clicking on the Up/Down arrows.
Beat Breaker now offers new default patterns divided evenly into 2, 4, 8, 16, and 32 slices.
Mastering Assistant
There is no longer unexpected latency with bounces from projects that use the Clean or Clean + Excite mode in Mastering Assistant.
Mastering Assistant analysis is no longer incorrectly triggered in projects that contain no regions, but are previewing audio from Ultrabeat, etc.
Mastering Assistant no longer allows the -1 dBFS peak limit to be exceeded in certain cases.
Automation
The Consolidate Relative and Absolute for Visible / Automation menu item now only displays when automation types that support relative automation are active in the lane.
Region-based Automation is now pasted as Track-based Automation when pasted to an area of a track that does not contain regions.
Pitchbend now works as expected with zones in Sampler that do not have Flex Pitch enabled.
Selecting Region-based automation points on a region now deselects previously selected automation points on other regions
Disabling Region-Based Automation no longer dims the Power button for MIDI CC data lanes in the Piano Roll.
The movie window now updates to show the correct frame when moving Region-based automation points.
The Autoselect automation parameter now works as expected when clicking any plug-in control.
Automation of the Gain plug-in no longer exhibits unexpected latency.
Region-based automation is now drawn correctly when recorded into projects that start earlier than 1 1 1 1.
Automation lane views for all tracks are now maintained when switching into Flex view and then back to Automation view.
Flex Time and Flex Pitch
Flex Pitched notes now play as expected when clicked while Record or Input Monitoring is active on the track.
Flexed audio tracks using Monophonic or Slicing mode no longer produce clicks at tempo changes.
Takes and comping
Fade-ins are now applied when flatten and merge is performed on Comps.
Renaming a take that encompasses the entire length of an audio file no longer unexpectedly changes the file name.
Comps in Take Folders are now preserved when performing Cut Section Between Locators on a section that includes the end of one Take folder and the beginning of another, with a gap in-between.
Track Stacks
Record-arming a Track Stack now arms grouped audio tracks in a Track Stack it contains.
Dragging a subtrack out of a Track Stack that is assigned to a VCA now removes the assignment for the subtrack.
Fixes an issue where Track Stacks could sometimes be dimmed when some, but not all, subtracks are muted or off.
It's now possible to replace stacked instrument patches that are inside a Summing Stack with single track patches.
Track Alternatives
Loading a patch on a Summing Stack containing sub-tracks with Track Alternatives no longer causes inactive alternatives to be deleted.
Track Alternatives can now be created for the Stereo Output track.
Selection-Based Processing
Using Selection-Based Processing on a Marquee selected section within a Take Folder no longer creates an unexpected comp.
Selection-Based Processing on a comp now retains the comp.
Score
The spacing of notes is improved in cases where there is a dotted note on a line with the stem is pointing upward.
Command + Z to undo now works after deleting a Score Set.
Upward bends in TAB staves now display correctly.
Importing an instrument track no longer can cause Score Sets in the current project to disappear.
Imported Score Sets can now be deleted from a project.
Live Loops
“Join Region and Fill Cell” now works as expected.
Recording a performance in Live Loops now temporarily puts all tracks into Automation: Latch mode.
Fixes an issue where changing patches for a Live Loop track could cause the length of cells to change unexpectedly.
It's now possible to paste MIDI notes into a Live Loops cell.
Step Sequencer
It's now easier to use the disclosure triangle to open sub-rows in Step Sequencer.
Pattern regions now play back correctly immediately after being nudged.
Pattern Regions now immediately play as expected after using the Slip/Rotate tool to drag their contents to the left.
The “Separate pattern region by kit piece” command on Drum Machine Designer tracks is now applied to the correct area of the Pattern Region, in cases where the left border of the region has been moved to the right.
The length and number of steps of a newly created Pattern Region accounts for Time Signature changes correctly.
The maximum possible pattern length of a Pattern region is now 4 bars of the current time signature.
Step Sequencer now allows pattern lengths to be added based on 5/4 and 7/8 time signatures.
The Step Sequencer Inc/Dec controls now work in Loop Edit mode.
Fixes an issue where Pattern Regions on frozen tracks be edited unexpectedly.
Region-based automation now displays properly on Pattern regions in tracks that have been partially frozen, and on regions that have been frozen and then unfrozen.
It's now possible to assign MIDI channels per step in a Pattern Region.
MIDI
Reset messages for Software Instruments now work correctly.
Sustain messages are now sent correctly when playing back regions with Clip Length enabled in cycle mode.
There is now an “Internal MIDI in” setting in the Track Inspector to allow for recording MIDI from any other software instrument or External MIDI Instrument track.
The “Send all MIDI settings” key command now sends program changes to external devices assigned to empty tracks.
Resolves an issue where 3 bytes of random MIDI data would be sent when playing back regions containing SysEx data with MIDI 2.0 disabled
New 'internal MIDI in' feature allows recording of MIDI from other tracks, including MIDI FX plug-in output and 3rd party MIDI generators.
The “Delete MIDI events outside region boundaries" key command now correctly creates a starting CC event in the region to match the last matching CC of the same type in the track.
Fixes an issue where Chase could cut off notes that are preceded by notes of the same pitch on tracks with third-party instrument plug-ins.
Editing
The Humanize transform set now works as expected when the Randomize functions for Position, Length, or Velocity are set to very small values.
The menu item Delete and Move in the Event List is now only displayed if regions are displayed in the window.
When MIDI 2.0 is selected in the Settings, clicking on an Event in the Event List no longer plays events back with MIDI 1.0 resolution.
Fixes an issue where using the Cut command in the Audio Track Editor could switch the view to another editor.
When a region in the Project Audio window is double-clicked, the Audio Track editor now opens as expected.
The content link buttons for the Piano Roll and Score show the correct color as expected when toggled using the mouse.
The Event List correctly updates to reflect changes made by using key commands to select notes in other editors.
Resolves an issue where the Velocity tool in the Piano roll could affect the values of non-note events.
Fixes an issue where applying the Transform set Double Speed could cause the notes to disappear from the Piano Roll.
Step Input
Extending the length of note entered using Step Input now works correctly.
Global Tracks
Adding multiple audio Apple Loops of the same key to different tracks of a new project now changes the project key as expected.
Clicked in Tempo points are now placed at their correct positions in projects that start earlier than 1 1 1 1.
Share and export
When No Overlap is enabled, regions bounced onto existing regions no longer overlap them.
Audio files bounced from Logic Pro now include the proper Encoded Date in the metadata.
Fixes an issue where MIDI regions could be truncated when bounced in place.
Fixes an issue where audio files including Volume/Pan automation exported from mono tracks that use plug-ins could export as stereo files.
It is now possible to bounce sub-channels of multitimbral instrument tracks as individual files.
Import
Resolves an issue when dragging multiple audio files into a project, choosing the “Place all files on one track” option could create a second track and places the first file on one track, and the rest on the second.
Output channels in the Mixer can now be imported from other Logic Pro projects.
Apple Loops
The Loops browser now correctly shows the same enharmonic key an Apple Loop was tagged with.
Apple Loops now preview using the Key Signature active at the current position of the playhead.
It's now possible to add Aliases to bookmarks and untagged loops.
Dragging an Apple Loop from the loop browser to an existing track no longer changes the input for the track.
Fixes an issue where MIDI Apple Loops could jump to the start of the nearest bar position when dragged from the Loop Browser to the middle of a bar.
Video Support
A secondary screen that is running a full screen video with Show Animations off will no longer remain black after closing the project.
Key Commands
The “Increase (or Decrease) last clicked parameter” key commands now work for controls in the LCD.
The “Record off for all” key command now works on Software Instrument tracks in cases where one or more audio tracks are also record-enabled.
There is now a key command to add to the current selection of regions or cells that are assigned to a toggle solo group.
The Zoom Toggle key command now works in the Step Editor.
Compatibility
GarageBand projects that use Pitch Correction now sound the same when opened in Logic Pro.
Undo
If Undo is used immediately after creating a project, the New Track Sheet is displayed as expected rather than leaving a project with no tracks.
Undo/Redo now works as expected with Audio Unit v3 plug-ins.
Changing the Automation Mode, or changing a Track On/Off state now creates an Undo step.
Performing Undo after adding a surround track no longer corrects Drummer tracks in the project.
Logic Remote
Logic Remote immediately updates to show time and signature changes made in Logic Pro.
Control Surfaces and MIDI controllers
Controls on Control Surface devices that use Lua scripts now provide feedback when learning assignments for them in Logic Pro.
Illuminated buttons on control surfaces now show the correct state for Show/Hide Track Editor.
General
The LCD now displays the Cycle start and end times in both SMPTE time and Bars/Beats when the secondary ruler is displayed.
Search in the All Files browser now finds matching items in bookmarked folders.
Fixes an issue where the visible editor in the Main window could unexpectedly switch when rubber-band selecting regions.
Audio Take folders created in Cycle mode now loop as expected after recording when Loop is enabled in the Region Inspector.
It's now possible to create external MIDI tracks when Core Audio is disabled in Logic Pro.
Resolves an issue where deleting a Flex marker from an audio region while a Marker List is visible could switch the key focus to the Marker List.
Track information pasted into a text editor now includes the TIME position when the Use Musical Grid setting for the project is not enabled.
Input monitoring buttons are now displayed on audio tracks when Logic Pro has fallen back to an alternate audio device because the selected device is not available.
Previewing an audio region in the Project Audio window no longer causes it to jump to the top of the window.
Command+Option clicking on the On/Off button of a track now toggles the button for all tracks, as expected.
Copy/paste of regions now works when Automation view is enabled.
Right-clicking on a looped segment of a region now opens the contextual menu as expected.
It's now easier to see when black keys are depressed in the Musical Typing window.
The right arrow key now reliably moves the text cursor in the Bounce > Save As file name panel.
Groove Templates created from audio regions now work in Smart Quantize mode.
Dragging multiple regions from the same audio file from the Project Audio browser to the Tracks area now works correctly.
Audio regions are no longer moved to unexpected positions when trimming, if absolute Snap mode is on, and the region anchor is moved away from the start of the region
Fixes an issue where pasting a Marquee selection with No Overlap and Snap Edits to Zero Crossings mode enabled could delete a non-overlapping part of an existing region.
Autozoom now triggers when a region's upper right corner is dragged in the Main window, or the Audio Track Editor.
The Playhead no longer may briefly appear to be in the wrong position when zooming horizontally.
The Time Ruler now immediately updates to reflect changes made to the “Bar Position [bar position] plays at SMPTE” setting.
The File browser correctly shows the full path when using Save As.

Recently I decided to gave sobriety a real chance and now I have thoughts looking back on 6 months of sobriety, which I want to share. More recently, I started drinking again, which I'm afraid of. For some background, I have had around 15 years of what I would call “higher-than-normal” alcohol use, often peaking to very high levels and sometimes what I would call crisis levels. Sometimes I wish the crisis levels would have been higher so that I could have better identified them earlier. I generally enjoy alcohol and strive to be in a state where I am completely altered from my sober self: which is a person who is funny and a joy to be with. I think my sober self is rather harsh and negative, and not someone that anyone would want to spend time with.
I believe that a lot of my personal negativity came from my studies in International Realtions, and readings on wars, slavery, and colonialization. Utlimately you will have to decide based on the account below. My alcohol use would average around 5 pints of strong beer (~7.5%), or about 2 bottles of red wine. Sometimes it would get higher than I could count.
Alcohol use starting in 2023
Early in 2023, around march, I decided to stop drinking for a reason I can’t remember, and I had a good 2 months being alcohol-free. During that time I also decided to try out Betterhelp (tm) for a month or two and find a counselor with experience in addication. However, I had already set my mind on sobriety before I sought out the counselor, and she was just there to support my journey.
After 2 sucessful months of soberiety I received some bad news about a job I was excited about, and I was back to drinking for about 5 months. I would drink on average my usual quantity about 3-4 times per week, which was actually an improvement from before. In late September, the 5^th month, I started to read something that would be very important.
*Below I am about to summarize poorly a book by an expert on a subject which I am not an expert on. Please consult this book or other experts on sleep if you have any questions.
When I finally read the book Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, something finally clicked about the damage alcohol was doing to my sleep, and why quality sleep was important for both phsyical and mental health. Most importantly, according to Walker, because of alcohol’s quality as a sedative, it puts you into a state of sedation, but this is only the first stage of the very important sleep pattern that our minds have evolved to use. The most important stage of our sleep, the NREM (non-rapid eye movement) sleep, which is our particular variant, is blocked in a state of sedation. During a sedated state, you are only experiencing a very low state of sleep that is ultimately useless and will result in feeling tired and a lack of sleep the next day.
Have you ever heard anyone say any variant of: ‘I can’t sleep without alcohol’? They are sedating themselves, and ultimately the lack of good sleep will catch up with them. But they probably can’t perceive it at that moment.
So finally I decided to stop in early October of 2023. What happened during those 6 months? During the first 3 months I started dreaming again. I started fairly well as far as work is concerned also. After only a few weeks, lo and behold, my sleep improved drastically and I began to dream like I had not for a long time. No longer did I think about how tired I was all the time, and finally I was able to devot time to the things that I wanted to.
Alcohol use in 2024
Eventually, January came around. January started great (and I actually regularly hit the gym during this time), but something else was missing. I began to feel a real absence in my life, and I wasn’t hesitant to tell those around me about it.
After the death of an aunt and a week of getting involved in an old past-time of video games, I was lost. A game by an independent developer with passion for his craft created Songs of Syx, which lets you build and manage a city of thousands of people with several different races of different creatures with their own preferences and personalities. Who could resist?
I love art. I love (some) video games, and consider them a form of art, but now I cannot deny that games can become a sort of addication as well.
But this and other less interesting distractions came at the cost of my personal growth. Soon I was lost in distractions again whether they be good or bad. In March I started having dreams where I would drink again, albeit mildly. In April, we had the first very nice day in a very long time. I was finally feeling better, and I desired a beer.
I spent months in these distractions, thinking of calling out to the people who had supported by sobriety but too ashamed to tell them the reality of what I was actually doing. ‘Well, this is better than drinking,’ I had told myself. And in a way, it was. In another way, this replacement deprived me of what I really wanted. I started painting, and listening audiobooks while I painted. All this was great, but I still somehow felt empty inside.
In mid-April, I had a beer for the first time in six months. I had lost 10 kg, the alcohol was much more effecitive on me in producing creativity. Everything felt right again! Until the next morning, when I essentially lost a day, which would be a prelude to several upcoming lost days…
So why did I start drinking again? A bit due to genetics, I’m fairly certain. In part because the weather was nice, and the thought that having a beer would be nice. In large part I’m certain that I wanted to be released from the negative thoughts that I have to deal with by myself. In my situation, there’s nothing better than seeing smiling faces and shaking a bunch of hands, and alcohol helps me feel that joy on my end, so that it’s not just a forced smile from my end but a genuine one. And that is a nice feeling.
Appendix: On drinking and creativity
I’ve always told myself that I have the ‘Mark Twain’ syndrome when it comes to drinking. Mark Twain is a considered a classic among American authors, and he was known to drink a lot, especially while writing. I also like to drink and write, and I often do while my sober self is less productive. Now I have to ask myself at this point in my mid-30s, where are the publications? Where are the books? I have one co-authorship on a publication in an economics journal.
Was this ‘Mark Twain’ syndrom a lie that I told myself to continue drinking? As for Mark Twain and other writers who were infamous drinkers, were they brilliant because of or in spite of their drinking? Does the same hold for other drug use like pot smoking?
My personal thoughts are that any drug, whether it be alcohol or methanphetamine, gives its primary benefits near the start of use, but when an addiction starts to develop the creative potential of the drug drowns in just desire for the drug. Some people are apparently able to keep themselves in the state of "desire for the drug" which they are able to harness for creativity, but I have come to think the more likely outcome of the drug use is addiction and waste of creative potential.

Sorry this is long, but wanted to be thorough. Let me know your thoughts.
Growing up I had chronic ear infections, in high school I was constantly sick, frequently with what seemed to be bacterial infections. I got my first yeast infection when I was 13 before ever being sexually active. I also struggled with oral thrush frequently in high school. I've also never been overweight and my diet growing up was mostly very healthy due to my parents, but I had a really bad sugar craving. My period started around 12 and up until I started taking oral contraceptive at 16, it was very heavy and very painful with strong PMS. I've also struggled to fall asleep my entire life, I did not nap as a child and to this day I cannot nap unless I am very sick.
When I was 17yrs old (female), I went to the doctor with abdominal pain, extreme lack of appetite and nausea if I did eat, trouble sleeping, concentrating, fatigue, depression. At the time I had been on oral contraceptive for about 2 years.. They did a blood test and the results were:
Serum Iron - 198mcg/dL (reference range: 26-169) HIGH
Iron Saturation - 55% (reference range: 15-55%) ALMOST HIGH
Ferritin 29ng/mL (reference range: 15-77) Normal
TIBC - 361ng/dL (reference: 250-450) Normal
UIBC - 163ug/dL (reference: 131-425) Normal
TSH - 1.85 uIU/mL (reference: 0.450-4.500) Normal
T4, free - 2.1ng/dL (reference: 1.2-4.9) Normal
MCV - 97 cumicron (79-97) ALMOST HIGH
MCH - 31.6 cumicron (26.6-33.0) normal
Monocytes - 6%
At the time the doctor decided I had high inflammation in my body and put me on an inflammation diet and a lot of supplements (it was a functional doctor that my parents liked). It seemed to work after 3 months of strict diet and supplementation. I switched to a hormonal IUD in 2019. Throughout college I struggled with low energy and low mood and after a year of therapy was diagnosed with clinical depression by my therapist. I decided to not take medication for it. I've also been experiencing abdominal pain that radiates down my legs for multiple years. The abdominal pain was so bad I went to get checked for endometriosis last spring but they can't diagnose it without surgery, but the IUD is correctly placed.
Two months ago (24 years old) I went into the doctors to get tested for hypothyroidism since my mother had it and I had developed Reynaud's syndrome (I've always had very cold sensitive feet though) a month after starting adderall for ADHD and low energy (started in January). I had also been experiencing wrist joint pain, hair loss, and low appetite, but did not think much of it. The results were:
TSH - 2.510 uIU/m (reference: 0.450-4.500) Normal (higher than at 17)
MCV - 98 fL (80-96) HIGH
MCH - 33.3 pg (27.5-33.2) HIGH
Monocytes - 8.3% (0.0-7.3%) HIGH
I weighed 131 lbs then.
However, the Reynaud's was not improving and I was still experiencing symptoms of back pain and joint pain and abdominal pain. I also was losing weight and experiencing hair loss.
The rheumatologists tests one months ago came back normal with no sign of autoimmune disease. She said the reynaud's is probably just the adderall increasing my blood vessel spasms. (my blood pressure was low for someone on adderall however: 100/65).
I weighed 123 lbs then.
Then I went to another doctor, two weeks ago, when I kept experiencing random muscle weakness and fatigue, had blood in my stool (which I had again today), joint pain in multiple joints and lower back pain and abdominal pain and pain in my sides near where the ribcage ends. Something is wrong. She took more blood tests and they came back with:
Serum Iron - 175ug/dL (reference: 27-159) HIGH
Iron Saturation - 67% (reference 15-55%) HIGH
Ferritin - 58ng/mL (reference: 15-77) Normal (higher than at 17)
TIBC - 263ug/dL (reference: 250-540) Normal (lower than at 17)
UIBC - 88ug/dL (reference: 131-425) LOW (much loser than at 17)
TSH - 4.05 uIU/mL (0.45-4.5) Normal (Almost double the past tests)
T4, free - 1.51ng/dL (0.82-1.77) Normal
APTT - 37 sec (reference: 24-33sec) HIGH
MCV - 96 cumicron (79-97) ALMOST HIGH
MCH - 32.5 cumicron (26.6-33.0) ALMOST HIGH
monocytes - 8% (0.0-7.3%) HIGH
This is not all the results but they are the most constantly high or changing ones. We also ruled out Addison's (my grandpa had it) and autoimmune markers are all coming back normal. I'm thinking I get checked for hemochromatosis. Any other thoughts or ideas about what the problem could be? I have stool samples being run right now.
Thank you.

Hey people. I wanted to share my long ass story about how nitrous used to be one of my most favorite things in the world and now my relationship with it is complicated and twisted.
A lot of this will tackle interpersonal relationship dynamics, but I’m trying to illustrate to the reader the progression of how this drug took my ex’s mind. This is more of a thorough essay about my experience than a rant. When I was going through what I went through at the time, I wished there was a story like this out there to help me know better and understand. This is how I watched the love of my life melt away his brain on this drug.
I will try and keep this brief, but it probably won't be. I wish to convey the addictiveness this drug can have and the toll it can take on your mind and body. In the summer of 2022 I met my then bf who introduced me to the rave scene and drug scene he was a part of. He really only used K and Nitrous (which I will refer to as N going forward). He told me about his 1.5 years of being addicted to K, but did not inform me of his also 1.5 years (at the time) addiction to N. He told me after meeting me he didn’t want to abuse K anymore so as far as I knew when we started dating he got better about that.
It all started very early in the relationship. We went to a weekend festival together and both found doing N together was so fun. We continued on using and abusing N every weekend, and sometimes many weekdays. Probably going through 6 or 8+ tanks a week, this went on for like 3 months. Sadly, I do look back on those days fondly, despite what would happen later down the line. We had so much fun together and yes sadly it bonded us in this weird way. Using it causes you to feel more open and positive in the beginning, and we had so many heartfelt and deep conversations. And it felt like a little special world we could go into together.
At the time I had no clue how much those small-medium sized tanks cost ($65 and up for just one where we live). And he never told me how much they cost, and didn’t ask me to chip in, so I had no idea he was throwing himself into financial ruin buying them all the time. Looking back I have no idea why I didn’t ask, I just figured they were only $25 or something, or his friend was giving them to him, and I was aware it was probably a poor financial decision, but figured he could bounce back after the summer. You have to understand I thought I had him figured out, but I didn’t really know him that well at this point, or know about the drug scene at all. Before this I really only drank and smoked weed with the occasional cid or shrooms trip.
Three months into us dating and abusing N we come to the conclusion we just need to stop and take a break from N as this had all become quite excessive. Still he doesn’t explain to me how much debt he is in from buying all of those tanks over the summer. Two months into the break and he’s starting to crack, asking for me to be okay with us using it regularly. I tell him that I think it’s okay for us to just do it once and awhile. It was hard to not cave in because truthfully I missed it as well, I myself was starting to feel the addictiveness of this drug, so I reserved it so that I only ever did it with him. We go back to doing it occasionally on the weekends. Over the span of 1 month my bf started to constantly complain of having nerve issues, his feet and legs and hands were numb, I also noticed that he seemed really depressed. This is when he started to experience the vitamin B deficiency, although both me and him didn’t realize this at the time.
Around this time is when he finally and unceremoniously reveals to me how much these things actually cost. This is the tricky aspect of his personality I would go on to experience more of. It was clear he was resentful towards me, that I had no idea how much money he was spending, but the reality is if I had known how much those things cost I would have ended it a lot sooner. I didn’t even understand how he had the ability to spend so much money, I don’t even want to do the math. I would find out later he would just take out credit cards and max them out. In addition to him doing them with me occasionally, he was also doing them behind my back, which I had caught him doing several times and was always forgiving over this.
So, because of this constant spending he was in a substantial amount of debt. What he told me at the time was around $6,000. Knowing him, this was probably a generous assessment. This is definitely a point in the story where I should have left him. Clearly he was developing this addiction towards N and spent an ungodly amount of money that was beyond even my comprehension. But, I was head over heels and believed that he could figure this out. People go into debt all the time, I would tell myself. But I told him, this all needed to outright stop. No more N, not even occasionally. Unfortunately while he of course agreed to my face I have to suspect now, he was doing it behind my back all the time. Around this time he wouldn’t come home from work until 7 or 7:30 which didn’t make sense as his hours at work would fluctuate from time to time, but he was usually always off at 5. He would lie and say his work was very busy and made him stay later, which I believed at the time.
Maybe about a month later we are in bed together sleeping, it’s the middle of the night. He wakes me up and explains he literally cannot feel his feet or legs and has been having trouble walking for the past several days. I take him to the ER that night. This night and the following weeks after were some of the most heartbreaking and emotionally terrifying times of my life so far. At this time neither of us had any idea or reason to suspect N was the reason for this. We actually talked to the doctor there and ran tests for over 3 hours, he got an MRI and a spinal tap which was so hard to watch being done to him. It wasn’t until I desperately did research on my phone in the hospital room and suddenly see all of these remarks and reddit posts and studies about N causing paralysis and nerve damage. I tell my bf and the doctor and they have no trouble assessing that is what is causing this. They give him a regiment of vitamin B shots as you typically do in this situation. The doctor even said that they hope they can stop permanent damage from happening, because if not he may lose control of his legs and it may spread to his pelvic area (IE dick don’t work) etc, he had to do physical therapy and see a drug counselor.
The following days and weeks after I was constantly on edge worrying and wondering if my bf and love of my life would lose his ability to walk. Thankfully, the treatment took and he didn’t even end up needing physical therapy. This is when I truly believe or would like to hope he actually quit and wasn’t doing N behind my back. Unfortunately it wouldn’t matter, as I’ve learned, a lot of symptoms of N abuse don’t show themselves until after you stop. Shortly after this event is when our relationship took a nosedive. He had also ditched the drug counselor. To compensate for no N he was drinking so often. He started to become aggressive and violent. I remember it all started in a fight where he got real close and in my face and stared me down to try and intimidate me. In a way it was both terrifying and laughable (because he’s only a few inches taller than me), I couldn’t even comprehend the kind of person he had turned into. After that came the months and months of never ending name calling, insults, degradation, and constant arguments over every little thing I did. He became so addicted to the high of his power trip of making me feel small and weak he would find any excuse to fly into a rage at me, even when we were tripping on mushrooms together.
Nothing was ever the same after that. We didn’t go out, didn’t do dates, and every activity together felt like it was all a big chore to him. I could look in his eyes and see he was constantly thinking about N, and when he would do it next. He really changed, and what I am now realizing is he was probably starting to experience the effects of pure brain damage. My close friends who knew him even agree with me that there is a huge change in his demeanor around this time in April of 2023.
I also want to add more info about his bizarre behavior. He started to develop an unhealthy obsession with social media, scrutinizing what I posted and what he posted. He started to obsess over current events of any kind, any breaking story or ongoing conflict and he would rant and rant about the current state of the world and destruction of humanity all the time. He started to get obsessed with mental health and psychology and pathologize me and himself and other people in our lives. He would send me 10 videos everyday about mental health and relationships and expect me to reply and have a response for every single one like a book report. This obsession with the destruction of humanity turned into a paranoia about the world, he would often say no one understands him, and he is all alone. He turned on his best friends of several years because he was paranoid they were racists or had bad morals (they were all pleasant and nice people who enjoy edgy humor from time to time). There was no more middle ground for anything, you either loved something fully, or hated it fully. Somewhere down the line he actually got his account banned on Instagram for the craziest reason. He couldn’t stop or control himself from having heated arguments with random strangers in comments sections, of almost any video of any topic. He would insult people there constantly.
Here is another big mistake I made.I allowed him to live with me, and we moved in together. At this point we had been dating for a year. Before this I lived on my own and didn’t want to renew my lease, and he was living with his dad who was abusive and financially took advantage of him. At the time I was convinced that this bad behavior would go away if he could get away from his dad and his toxic household. Well the toxicity only followed. That summer we went to another weekend festival and he revealed to me when we got there he had purchased N and brought it. I was so conflicted as I myself had missed it quite a lot, and I had to deny myself my healthy regulated usage of it in order to not trigger him. I caved again and said we could do it only for this weekend. You may not at all be surprised to learn it didn’t end that way.
After the festival everything truly fell apart. He continued to buy tanks of N and do them behind my back constantly. He would say he was just going to his car to talk to his friends, or his mom, and be gone for hours. Because he was totally abusing me and I had no idea because I was under his spell of manipulation, I had no recourse. Any comment of mine asking why he was gone for so long, why can’t he just talk to his friends inside our apartment, I’ll go in the other room for privacy, was only met with complete indifference. These questions only pissed him off. He would say it’s because I was so exhausting and demanding he needed a break from me. When I would call him when he’s on one of these “excursions,” he would every so often mute the call while I was talking or in a silent moment. I eventually realized he was hitting the tank every time he muted himself. When I finally called him out on this he gaslit me and told me he just does this all the time because he coughs and clears his throat, fyi he had never done this before in our relationship. Because I had no recourse I just had to agree and move on. And because his mind was deteriorating more and more each day he would go on to make randomly muting himself in calls as a common, thing so as to keep up the facade he told me. Actual crazy behavior.
He even started doing K again, he would clearly be f-ed out of his mind by both K and N, and stumble around our apartment with crazy red bulging eyes and again and again tell me he was just drunk. Around this time is when he finally divulges to me not only had he been abusing K for the 1.5 years before he met me, he had also been abusing N for 1.5 years before he met me. And it wasn’t actually the case that he only “began” to become addicted to N when we started dating and doing it together. This really started to put a lot into perspective for me, and it made sense how he had almost paralyzed himself over this, now at this current time 3+ year addiction to these substances, and it made me realize how psychologically and cognitively he was failing based on changes in his personality. You also have to understand he explained to me before he met me, he was doing 1.5-2 grams of K or more and N, EVERYDAY.
And still at this time the name calling, insults and manipulation continued. He of course was no longer experiencing any true “high” from the N anymore, it would just simply dull his senses. It was like a stereotypical violent alcoholic husband comes home from the bar and berates his wife, kind of situation, except with N. And I became obsessed with figuring out how to get him to stop and go back to the loving person I remembered meeting and loving. I began to do very toxic things, going through his backpack, going through his car, and constantly always finding tanks and balloons and all kinds of paraphilia everywhere. I would find tanks in our recycling bin, like he actually thought I wouldn’t notice. I would come home late from being with friends and catch him passed out on the couch with an empty tank in his hand. He couldn't be left alone anymore. If he wasn’t with me, 100% of the time he was sitting in his car doing N. At this point in time there was no forgiveness, I was completely broken. I would yell and scream at him or wake him up and demand he stop and choose me or the drugs, all terrible things to be doing. I know that.
Eventually it got so bad I felt I had no other recourse other than to call and inform his mother of his behavior and what he had been doing all this time. Me doing this is probably what saved his life, as there was never anyway I was going to get through to him myself. But it did not save his mental health. Even having his mother involved didn’t stop any of it. He still went out and bought it behind my back like nothing happened. Another painful painful aspect of how his personality had changed is he would constantly have crazy back and forth mood swings, one minute showing me the sweet man I had fallen in love with, thanking me and praising me for having stepped in and put a stop to this, the next minute he hated me and I was the worst thing in his life and I could never tell what was even real anymore.
But did I leave, oh no, that would have been the smart thing to do.Instead at the time I was seeing a therapist who also specializes in couples therapy. I get us started with counseling and during our second session he gets called out by my therapist and yells and screams and berates her, it was actually insane. That is when things really ended between us. He moved out and moved into his moms apartment 30 minutes away that night. Even though the breakup was traumatizing and painful I still had hope that even if he isn’t with me, now he will receive help from his mother. Well, she didn’t place him in any special drug counselor program or rehab, she just severely cut off his finances so that he could pay off his debts, which she had bought back from several banks so it would not gain more and more interest. I do believe now his debt may be somewhere in the $10,000-$20,000 range. So now he, as an almost 30 year old man, needs to ask his mother in order to buy or purchase anything. Somehow, despite all of this I would learn he was continuing to do N and K.
Amazingly, we still tried briefly to even make our relationship work after he moved out. At this point he has mastered the art of manipulation and being fake, and convinced me he was getting better, he had even started to look better too, but he was still up to his old BS. He came over to the apartment once for us to have a mini date. Because he went on and on about how he was getting more and more into walks he said he was going to take a quick stroll around the block to get some fresh air. Well a quick stroll turns into 30 minutes, and I start to notice his car is gone from our street. I call him and he says now he is sitting in his car talking to his mom, I tell him I don’t see his car and it’s been a long time, he clearly had left to buy N. He becomes irate and claims he simply moved his car down the block for “reasons” and I was in the wrong for being accusatory and not trusting him. P.S. I went down the block and he just was not there. This guy is either absolutely crazy or thinks I’m some kind of imbecile, or both. It basically ended from there.
We tried to be civil, but he cannot control himself from completely going ballistic on me anymore, or his mother. And it is so painful when he is remorseful and doesn’t remember all the things he said to me. At this point I have had to realize I am basically talking to and trying to reason with a mentally disabled person. The fun loving, easy going, creative, altruistic, thoughtful, smart and attentive man I met doesn’t exist anymore, and I don’t think he will ever come back. All that remains is the shell of a confused and angry person.
Some small things to address, how it came to be that he abused these drugs all the time before he met me is because his best friend was a drug dealer and in the beginning would give him all of these things for free. Once he was hooked and doing it everyday it seemed he would stop at no end to spend money and buy them. Yes K was definitely a contributor into his mild psychosis but I still think it would have happened even from the N abuse alone, based on research I’ve been doing lately. And yes I have to admit I think he had bad and malignant psychological traits before abusing drugs, and doing that made it all worse.
So that is the story of how I watched this man ruin his life, and scare away maybe the only person who could withstand experiencing all of his BS and still wanted to love and help him. There are SO MANY things I too should have done differently. There is also an age gap between us of 3 years, so I naively thought he had a better handle on his life than he really did. I do find it hard to understand how people can be so addicted at times, but in the end like my ex, everyone is trying to chase some kind of feeling or experience that came with it, rather than the drug itself.
Thank you for reading if you made it to the end.
TLDR: Two years ago I started dating a guy who wasn’t honest with me about his 1.5 years of Nitrous abuse before we started dating. He was a sweet and honest and caring man when I met him. Sadly most of our relationship was spent on doing lots of Nitrous together. He eventually developed health problems like a vitamin B deficiency and even almost got paralysis and permanent nerve damage, which was hard for me to watch and witness. His health issues didn’t deter him away from Nitrous and he was constantly buying tanks and doing it behind my back. The more he abused Nitrous the more abusive towards me he became as a person. Our relationship crumbled and not even getting his mom involved helped. He was also clearly experiencing psychosis and mental deterioration. We broke up because he yelled and screamed at my therapist and he had to move in with his mom. Moving in with his mom didn’t stop his addiction even though she cut off his finances.
Even when we tried to make the relationship work he still abused it anyway. I would now consider him a mentally disabled person and I don’t recognize who he even is anymore after 3+ years of abusing Nitrous almost everyday. Please use Nitrous responsibly or don't at all.

I don't know if this would help anyone or not... but I'll share it...some back story on my nicotine history. ZYN was not my first experience with nicotine. I first let nicotine into my being when I stole a cigarette from my much older cousin when I was 9 years old. A Marlboro Menthol 100. And the journey of drug/chemical addiction from there is literally personified perfectly in a video that u/Joel-Spitzer shared once upon a time Nuggets (youtube.com). I'll never forget that first buzz, it put me on the floor. I started smoking pot soon after that. Then drinking whiskey. (all of my friends and their parents were drug addicts and alcoholics). The resources were very attainable. At 12 I got put on heavy anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. By 13 and 14 I moved up to pain pills, and stronger pot. From 14 to 18 I smoked 2 packs a day (on top of an ounce of pot every few days) and long story short eventually got caught up in every upper (MDMA, Cocaine, Meth) and downer (Morphine/Heroin/Oxy) that there was at the time. Snorting/shooting up, you name it, I did it. I OD'd several times, and it's by the grace and mercy of God I'm not dead. When I turned 19 a very beautiful and powerful legit spiritual experience happened to me. That initially helped me get clean off the heavy illegal stuff, but my mind just wasn't made up the way it needed to be to get off everything I knew I needed to (pharmaceuticals and nicotine). Much of my 20s I struggled. I'd get off everything except my anti-depressants, and then eventually I'd need to get a refill on that...my lizard brain could quickly get an RX for this or that (I knew how to work the system, and find the doctors that pushed stuff) and the next thing you know I'd be high. In my 20s over several years and seasons of life I went through Grizzly wintergreen long cut chew, vaping (disposable and mods/kits), and eventually 21mg nicotine patches. Literally hooked on the patches for multiple years. I got off patches finally in 2018. In 2019 I got off of every prescribed pharmaceutical. I'm still living my life free from pills going on 5 years. But...struggling through depression during COVID lock down and in a moment of weakness, I bought my first tin of ZYN. But the nicotine beast is the nicotine beast. I secretly struggled with it 2020, 2021, 2022, and most of 2023. I've said all that to say, it started with nicotine, and it ends with nicotine. It's like the final building block to my castle of ultimate sobriety I suppose. With the nicotine compromise out of the way, my life can finally be what it's supposed to be. 185 days ago was over 20 years in the making. Thanks for taking the time to read all of this. Just for today, let's stay clean.

I (22F) felt tempted to cheat on my boyfriend (24M) with one of my friends from work (33M). Am I a bad person now?
Throwaway account because there is no way that I’m going to write this on my main account- A part of this is just trying to get this off my chest because it is a touchy and morally heavy subject that I felt pretty secure in for all of my life. I knew exactly where I stood when it came to the topic of cheating but now I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I’m a bad person now and it is also making me question if I should stay in my current relationship. I’m a little scared to reach out to my friends and family on this because I know exactly where they stand with this and I want a fresh perspective on if this is normal or if i need to go see a therapist before I lose everyone in my life.
The backstory is: I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend (24M) (we’ll call him Wesley for the sake of the post) for a little over 13 months. Things have been a little rocky between us since the nature of our work has us doing a long distance relationship for most of the time we were together. It’s gotten to the point where he and I have gotten so busy that me and Wesley have barely gotten to even contact each other. Other little things have contributed to whether I want to stay in the relationship at all like the fact that he doesn’t make time to talk to me even just a little over email or something. It could be small, i don’t really care, but i haven’t heard from him in months. I have to admit that I’m not exactly great about communication either because I am also busy with work and landing a very big promotion that I have been wanting for several years now.
I just recently got this promotion last weekend and in my line of work this promotion is a big deal. A couple of my friends went out to dinner and one of my friends that was at the dinner (26M) said that Wesley is more than capable of communicating at least through email with his work situation which I didn’t really know at the time. When he is free, I keep getting this feeling like he’s avoiding me for some reason (ladies you know the feeling). I don’t have any hard proof that Wesley has been cheating on me at this point but I cannot deny the growing negative intuition I had been intensified by my friend’s statement.
Fast forward to the next day when another group of us went out for food and nightclubbing. This is when my friend (33M) (We’ll call him Adam for the post) came with us. Personally I haven’t gone out like this in a while, so I was a little insecure that I would make a fool of myself in front of my friends that do regularly go out. My insecurity turned out to be in vain since me and Adam ended up teaching a couple of my friends how to do the two-step dance and I was having a really fun time with everyone. At the nightclub about a couple drinks in, two of my female friends went to the bathroom leaving me and Adam alone on the dance floor with the rest of the other people that were also clubbing there. He and I started to two-step again to the beat of the music and he was a really good dancer, he asked me if it was ok to dance with me, and he danced with me like I was a queen that he just scored. To be very clear, neither one of us crossed that line of cheating but I would be lying if I wasn’t absolutely intoxicated with the sexual tension on that dance floor to the point where I had to fight myself internally to keep my sanity in check.
For both me and Adam’s sake, I am glad that I fought that temptation and did keep my sanity in check, but at the same time, even though neither of us crossed that line, I felt more passion and sexual attraction during those few dances alone than I had felt during every past relationship I have had and my current relationship too. The worst part is that I want more of that passion and sexual tension that I have been missing in my relationships that I didn’t even know I had been missing out on. Because of this, I’m now questioning if my relationship with Wesley is even worth saving at this point and I’m also questioning if I had become a bad person if I had felt tempted to cheat on Wesley and the fact that I want more passion like with those two-step dances that I danced with Adam. Again, to clarify, me and Adam never kissed or did the dirty, it’s so hard to explain from just a few dances but the passion and sexual tension in the air between me and Adam was absolutely intoxicating and beautiful and I loved it and want more of it but at the same time, there’s no way that my brain is going to let myself compromise my own integrity, because at that point I know I won’t be able to recover from it. So please internet strangers, for the sake of saving my mental and moral sanity am I a bad person for being tempted to cheat? Do I need to see a therapist before I lose everyone in my life? I have seen so many reddit posts about failing relationships because of cheating but nothing about being tempted to cheat so I want to know if I am totally overthinking this.

Hello!
First of all, I've tried to look for FAQ but didnt find it so I'm just hoping its ok to ask this here?
So anyway, I only need 2 things for the platinum, feed on donu and kill heart with ironclad. However, i absolutely can not get my head around this character. I havent consumed any media for any other characteruns but ive found myself looking thru every tier list and guide and whatnot for ironclad, its such an honest to god bad character, the starting relic sounds very begginer friendly, but his card choices are just awful.
I won once years ago with a limit break/flex deck on my first day of playing and ever sijce then, not a single win. Time eater or the heart will always get me and I have no clue what i should change.
I've played like 30hours just with ironclad since i cleaned defect trophies and gave up on str decks, i rarely see any limit breaks and whatnot, id love to try a barricade deck but usually only see a barricade in act 3 and by then my deck is different. Usually i can build an exhaust deck, which gets by ok, but as i said time eater or heart especially heart is impossible with the decks i build.
I sometimes take corruption, but end up losing in the same act, i have no idea why its regarded as a good card, especially against bosses, kills every synergy (unless dead branch but then youll just have a bunch of random cards and full on rng combat) could someone explain to me how or why this card is good how it should be used? Why is it regarded as good and even essential???
I get that exhaust can spread decks thinner which is why true grit is a cool card to have
I usually try something along the lines of evolve combined with struggle through and other high def cards. Im a bit more of a defensive player, id rather block everything and deal 2 dmg than take 16 and deal 18 dmg
Other than corruption, does any ironclad mains have any things to share with me that usually wins them a game? Im trying A0 for gods sake and failing miserably. I just need to kill heart once (and then get lucky w feed and donu)
Ive also tried juggernaut but rarely had any luck with a build around that.
I tend to take these cards a lot in my runs: -1x armaments upgraded (to upgrade every card so i can use binfires for key/heal, i also usually run a deck of like 10 cards)
-1x warcry (i mean its free and lets you reshuffle a card for next turn)
-1x dark embrace
-1-2x true grit
-1x immolate
-1x power through
-1x sword boomerang
-1x cleave (for those black blobs/flying mobs)
-1x second wind
(-1x feed gotta try my luck if donu lol)
Maybe a spot weakness, carnage or shrug it off
Maybe an exhume, havoc, bloodletting
Also offerings, as many as i get
As you can see i usually try to immolate them then draw extra when i draw burn then exhaust burns. It gets me to the heart, but has zero chance against its massive attacks. Oh i also take one or maybe even two flame barriers if i see it, for heart fight (but never draw it when i need it obviously....)
Maybe someone can shed light on my bad card choices?
Thanks for your input in advance,
I appreciate any help! :)

I made one other post on here in regards to my husband but would like insight on some things so little by little will probably post different scenarios to get outsiders insight on situations.
Okay, sorry if this is all over the place but I want some insight from others not involved in the situation whatsoever. Feel free to ask for any clarity etc.
I (29F) and my husband (36M) have 2 kids. To protect their privacy I would prefer not to share details but I will share vague info. They are elementary aged. I put off my own schooling to focus on getting our kids established and we do virtual homeschooling. My husband has never been able to hold down a job due to a few health things (anxiety that he uses medication for, and a few years in he got diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and EOE but he doesn't stay on top of his own care). We live with my mom. He has lived with me under my moms roof for what would have been 12 years later this year.
Here is where I am asking for insight.
My mom witnessed him becoming more and more emotionally and verbally abusive. She sent him to his grandmas March 1st. My brother and I drove him down and we slept there and drove home the next day. He has been down there since. So 2 months. It was originally supposed to be around 2 weeks but then they asked about him staying another week. He was supposed to call my mom and they were supposed to talk about him coming back home. The one phone call they had he was making an excuse for why he yelled at me on the phone since he'd even been down there and then all he cared to talk about was his doctor(nurse practitioner) not sending his medicine, his insurance issues and all about his medicines. He is addicted to prescription drugs as well. If more info is needed I can elaborate but trying to keep this as short as possible but with enough details. He has also told us to go file divorce papers(I have never indicated separation, this was simply my mom wanting him to appreciate us and treat us better which it seems he is a narcissist and incapable of loving anyone but himself), custody, coparenting etc. So in his mind his is flipping it into US needing to work on our marriage instead of HIM working on how he treats me and our children.
He has barely talked to our kids. In the beginning I kept complaining about his lack of talking to them, then he would only try to call late at night. As I mentioned, they are school aged. I'm talking like 9:00pm or later he wanted to talk to them. Like I said, he didn't work and was aware of them having early mornings so this irked me. I told him he needed to stop putting us all off until the end of the day and it was completely rude and disrespectful to our kids time. He said he's busy and calls when he can.... I told him that's unacceptable and he needs to carve out a little time earlier in the day for them. I told him not to call after 8:00pm, which is still late quite frankly but better than 9 or 10. He has talked to them less than 10 times(don't know the exact amount so being generous with an estimation) I can look at my call log if necessary and try to weed out when he actually talked with THEM. Anywho, there was one Thursday night when he was supposed to call and I gave him a time and said no video chatting(he always tries to force me to be involved and I was busy and didn't want a camera being shoved in my face). He asked why not. I explained it wasn't a good night. He asked if he could video chat them Friday instead because he had things he wanted to show them. I made sure I was clear on what he meant and asked if he meant NOT talk to them "tonight" in order to videochat "tomorrow"? (this happened in the past hence the "") He said yes. He had not talked to them in 2 weeks at that point. So I was mad that he didn't ask if he could talk to them tonight but videochat them tomorrow as well....but then he said he was busy anyway so that would work better.....okay. Friday comes. He CALLS them. He was SO distracted on the phone and BARELY talked to them. He mentioned his brother had reached out about hanging out so I am thinking he was texting him while on the phone with them, but I don't know. I told our older child he was supposed to videochat so they mentioned it to him and he took a few minutes to send the link(iphone to android videochat) our child texted because it was taking so long. He finally sent the link and they were videochatting. He wasn't trying to show them anything. I mentioned he was supposed to show them stuff. He mentioned a coloring book and they had to ASK to see it. Then they ASKED about grannys dog so he showed them the dog. I gave them a time limit but gave wiggle room for the sake of our kids. I realized the chatting was going nowhere because he just wasn't interested in talking to them. Our older child mentions needing to go, then he says something like the child hadn't said they needed to go, in order to make it look like he "cared" like, "oh mommy said a time but I don't remember what it was so we probably need to go" they were over 10 minutes past, and I knew it but again I gave wiggle room for the kids. I chewed him out in a text and he admitted I was right and he was distracted and gave 348724985 excuses for what happened that day as to why he was distracted but I didn't want to hear any of it.
My kids very rarely bring him up. I ask them here and there how they are feeling about things and they are both sad but one of our kids even said that daddy was mean sometimes. That crushed me. I didn't know they felt that way. I didn't realize how bad things had gotten. I know what I went through and dealt with, but I was so blind to how he was doing them. I feel awful. And it came from the kid I would least expect it to come from cuz he seemed to give them more attention. I don't think the kids have asked to call him a single time. If they did I would absolutely not stop them, I'm not keeping them from talking to him. I am however setting boundaries on his side of things because he has no respect for our kids and their time. While he was on the phone with them he even brought up having issues with his doctor(NP) and meds. He talked to them for maybe around 30 minutes, most of which was the kids trying to talk and him saying.....uh......what? and telling one kid he was proud of them, they asked what for, he said......uh.....you're getting so big.
Side note; he mentioned I always have to say "something" (I am calling him out on his crap and not allowing him to use excuses anymore) and if I can't be peaceful we can't coparent. He informed me via TEXT April 17th that he now LIVED there. Has been so uninvolved already but ESPECIALLY now). I told him he has NO right to tell me how to COPARENT when he can't even PARENT to begin with and told him to ask HIMSELF a few questions and if he couldn't answer them he needs to reevaluate how good of a parent he is before trying to come at me for how I am PARENTING. I DO IT ALL. Anyways, like I said, we virtual homeschool and he was "involved" enough to know basics. So one of the questions was what grade both kids are in. He responded with his answers. He was wrong on both. Couldn't tell me what clothing size one was and was wrong on shoe size for both as well. He did get one of the kids teacher and speech therapist right but the teacher is a repeat from our older student and the speech therapist has been with us since the beginning so I knew he should know at least THAT one. I'm wondering if he googled what size one may be in because he mentioned a size not common to all stores but I do give him credit for answering what he did correctly. Its the ones that are incorrect though that are of issue. And I didn't correct him. He wasn't supposed to send me answers. I said to ask himself. He was just to cocky thinking he was really getting himself a "gotcha" moment. It makes me sad. I did tell my kids not to answer any questions if they videochatted(which I admit I didn't like doing, but with all circumstances I don't want him using them to answer questions making it seem like he knows more than he truly does) I told my older child what grade he thought they were in and they pointed out, "I was in ---grade when he left....." But we kinda laughed about how stupid/silly/dorkish it was and I am NOT trying to make him look bad. I shield our kids from a lot because I don't want their opinions of anyone swayed any way due to something someone else says. Same goes for their dad. Regardless of how I feel about him and the way he's done I don't want them holding things against him and distancing themselves due to things that don't need to divulged to them to begin with.
I'm sorry this was a lot, and it's probably all over the place and a mess.. I just need insight or opinions from someone that isn't involved or related to either of us so opinions won't be swayed. If any more info is needed in regards to myself or my husband feel free to ask.
I will also be moving forward with my schooling possibly this year or next depending. I wanted both of our kids established and while I'm not sure I'm quite ready because my younger student still requires more help and needs improvement with reading for me to be fully comfortable I may be able to start online courses in the meantime if able to do so before doing in person things eventually. My husband was no help with the kids and when he sat in or did attempt he had ZERO patience and was awful. So I limited what I would ask him to help with and did all the "heavy lifting" myself. We are all doing much better mentally and our younger child is unlearning some behaviors and is a completely different kid. They are coming out of their shell and while they've always been loving now they are even more sweet and loving and involved with others. I have seen so much improvement. And their dad has not mentioned talking to them SINCE that friday which was May 3rd, so it has been 10 days at this point.
Thank you to anyone that has read this trainwreck. If you think I handled things wrong and have advice on how to better handle things as well please feel free to advise away. While I am hoping I won't get ripped to shreds, I appreciate blunt honesty and can handle constructive criticism. :)

For now I’m only really able to text as I’m not mobile enough to get to my desk to play any games yet. But I’d love to just have a few people to talk with throughout the day! Just a warning upfront though, the medication I’m taking does make me really drowsy, so my response times might be really late with me falling asleep at random intervals. As well as sometimes it might be hard to understand what I’m saying since my typing will get all messed up and my thoughts not really connecting clearly.
If you’re willing to put up with that though, feel free to message any time! 18+ is preferred please (for comfortability though, I am NOT looking for anything nsfw just to be clear. You will be blocked.)
Some of my interests are music (mostly indie rock as of late), gaming, snowboarding, volleyball, engineering, motorsports, and animals. If you have anything in common, great!

Round 1, Pick 23 - Brian Thomas Jr., WR, LSU:
NFL: After the departure of Calvin Ridley in free agency, the Jaguars were determined to find a physical, fast receiver who could give them a vertical element in the pass game. They found it in Thomas, a stud who found the end zone 17 times last season for LSU. This is a big addition for Trevor Lawrence and Co.
CBS Sports: B+. This is a heck of a move for a team that needs another young weapon. He can fly and his best football is in front of him. Watch out for their offense in 2024.
ESPN: Thomas is one of the biggest (6-foot-3, 209 pounds) and fastest receivers in the draft (4.33 40-yard dash at the combine). His production in the SEC was elite in 2023: 17.3 yards per catch, 17 TD catches. He gives the Jaguars something they haven't had since Allen Robinson II (2014-17): Someone who can go up and get 50-50 balls and provide a big red-zone target. The Jaguars threw few end-zone fade routes the past several seasons, but that should change with Thomas, who had 10 TD catches on go or fade routes last season, the second-most in FBS to Rome Odunze.
NFL Absolutely Not Fake News: Enjoys the Browns, Texans, and Vikings and this pick had it all.
Round 2, Pick 48 - Maason Smith, DT, LSU:
NFL: When I spoke to Smith last week, he made sure to highlight his workout with the Jaguars -- his final team visit -- as clearly his best. The Jags agreed. Smith has first-round tools but has been beset by injuries and a rotating cast of defensive coaches at LSU. His production is lacking, but his potential is downright exciting. If they're patient, the Jaguars might have something here.
CBS Sports: B-. Highly touted recruit who dealt with injuries and never quite met hype in college. Tall, sleek interior player who flashes that big-recruit talent at times just not ultra consistent. Won’t be limited athletically in the NFL. Rushes get far too high, which saps his power. Nice arm over but really his only move. Fills a need.
ESPN: The Jaguars needed to bolster their run defense, which faded down the stretch in 2023, and get younger on the defensive line. The 6-foot-5, 306-pounder can play inside as well as at defensive end, which gives the Jaguars some versatility along the front with Roy Robertson-Harris and DaVon Hamilton. Hamilton had a disappointing season in 2023 because of a back infection and he never reached the level he did in 2022, which earned him a contract extension. The Jaguars also released NT Folorunso Fatukasi this spring after two disappointing seasons, so adding depth along the defensive front was a priority.
NFL Absolutely Not Fake News: His record in the fuzzy bunny challenge is 19.
Round 3, Pick 96 - Jarrian Jones, CB, Florida State:
NFL: Measuring nearly 6-feet and running a 4.38-second 40-yard dash helped Jones' cause quite a bit. He has inside and outside experience but likely will be a nickel corner in the NFL. I thought he was a Day 3 prospect because of his short arms and long injury history, but Jones has gone up against talented receivers and won some battles.
CBS Sports: B. Taller than most nickel CBs but has requisite twitch and possesses the vertical juice to carry deep routes. Change of direction is very good but just not consistent. Tends to get his pads high when trying to ID the play, which saps his quickness. Unreliable tackler. Good ball skills and destroys screens on regular basis.
ESPN: The 6-foot, 190-pound Jones lined up primarily in the slot in 2023, so that's where he'll start with the Jaguars. The Jaguars signed CB Ronald Darby in free agency to play on the outside opposite Tyson Campbell. Head coach Doug Pederson said at the owners meetings that Darnell Savage Jr., whom they also signed in March, would be playing nickel, so Jones joins the rotation there along with Antonio Johnson. Jones has good speed (he ran 4.38 in the 40 at the combine) and has played outside at FSU at times as well, but the team has confidence that Darby can be the starter.
NFL Absolutely Not Fake News: Rolex? Bulova? Omega? Patek Philippe? This man is CASIO all the way.
Round 4, Pick 114 - Javon Foster, OT, Missouri:
NFL: Foster has excellent experience at left tackle, and he looked facile at right tackle at the Senior Bowl. He's not an exceptional athlete but has good length, is patient in pass protection and can quietly get the job done. He's likely a swing tackle to start out.
CBS Sports: B+. College OT who has the frame to stay there but maybe not the overall athletic profile. Power and quick-setting skills shine. Can win ugly and importantly shows recovery skill. This is a smart investment. Just gets the job done on a routine basis.
ESPN: The Jaguars have only one offensive tackle under contract beyond this season (right Anton Harrison) so this was a position the Jaguars needed to address. Foster started 39 games at left tackle and two at right tackle at Missouri but he won't be asked to play in 2024 unless there are injuries to left tackle Cam Robinson and swing tackle Walker Little -- or the Jaguars decide to trade Robinson, in which case the 24-year-old Foster could become the swing tackle as a rookie.
NFL Absolutely Not Fake News: Spends all day writing letters to bring back Club Penguin.
Round 4, Pick 116 - Jordan Jefferson, DT, LSU:
NFL: That's the third LSU player the Jags have selected, and the fourth SEC player. Jefferson is one of three Tigers DTs in this draft class, and he is a bull-strong battler inside. However, he might have to make it as an early-down run-stopper because of his lack of pass-rush juice.
CBS Sports: D+. Classic wide-bodied DT who thrives against the run. Thick frame. Block-shedding skills are well-developed but has no pass-rush plans. Active on passing downs just rarely gets home. Length is a plus and he’s an above-average athlete for a future NT. Not a bad player just limited and this feels early.
ESPN: Jefferson is the third LSU player -- and second on defense -- the Jaguars have drafted so far. It's clear the Jaguars are mining inside linebackers coach Matt House, who spent the past two seasons as LSU's defensive coordinator. The 6-foot-4, 317-pound Jefferson -- who played three seasons at West Virginia before transferring to LSU -- showed off his upper body strength at the combine by benching 225 pounds 34 times. The Jaguars' run defense faded in the second half of the season and played a major role in a season-ending loss to Tennessee -- Derrick Henry ran for a season-high 153 yards -- and the team cut nose tackle Folorunso Fatukasi in March so an upgrade along the interior of the defensive line was a priority in the draft.
NFL Absolutely Not Fake News: He has suffered from Ailurophobia for as long as he can remember.
Round 5, Pick 153 - Deantre Prince, CB, Mississippi:
NFL: Prince's speed gives him a chance, either as a corner or on special teams, but his lean, shorter frame could be problematic. He was a reliable contributor for the Rebels over the past several seasons.
CBS Sports: B. Outside CB with rockets attached his cleats. Can really run. Route-recognition skills must improve. High-effort type vs. the run but blockers devour him too often. Instinctive in coverage when everything is in front of him. Plays more athletically than his workout. With coaching can be solid pro.
ESPN: The Jaguars continue to add to the secondary with Prince, who lined up almost exclusively outside in college. He had six interceptions and 21 pass breakups in four seasons for the Rebels and one interception in one season at Northeast Mississippi Community College. He worked as a gunner on punt coverage as well, and his best chance to make an impact as a rookie will likely be on special teams.
NFL Absolutely Not Fake News: Won’t eat bugles until after he’s had them on his fingers like claws.
Round 5, Pick 167 - Keilan Robinson, RB, Texas:
NFL: Three straight backs off the board. The Jaguars probably needed more RB depth, and Robinson brings top-shelf speed to Jacksonville. In a crowded Texas backfield, Robinson had to scrap for every offensive touch (156 total in 45 career games) he received. His meal ticket likely will be as a gadget-play specialist or gunner or jammer on special teams.
CBS Sports: C-. Played behind two studs at Texas but made the most of his minimal attempts. Has breakaway speed in a smaller frame. Not a very decisive runner who can win with his vision alone. Not ultra twitchy and elusive. Has some return ability. But this is too early for a developmental type.
ESPN: Robinson started his college career at Alabama and finished at Texans. He ran for 796 yards and eight touchdowns, but he has more value as a kick returner. He averaged 23.6 yards per kickoff return on 39 returns in his career. The Jaguars signed receivereturner Devin Duvernay to replace Jamal Agnew, but the new kickoff rule makes returners more valuable and teams may opt to put two returners on the field at the same time. He also covered kicks at Texas so this is a special teams pick for the Jaguars.
NFL Absolutely Not Fake News: The only thing worse than being drafted here is having to know TheFencingCoach.
Round 6, Pick 212 - Cam Little, K, Arkansas:
NFL: Our third kicker in a short span here. Little arguably has the best leg talent of the three and can hit all the way out to the 60-plus-yard range. But his inconsistencies (including at the combine) could make him a bit untrustworthy if he struggles in late-game situations.
CBS Sports: B-. Three years of 80-plus percent make rate on field goals in the SEC.
ESPN: Little is the most accurate kicker in Arkansas history, making 82.8% of his attempts (53 of 64) in his three-year career. He also never missed a PAT (129 for 129). He'll be the third kicker on the roster, joining Joey Slye and Riley Patterson, who kicked the game-winning field goal in the Jaguars' 31-30 victory over the Los Angeles Chargers in a wild card playoff game following the 2022 regular season. The Jaguars had agreed to terms with Denver kicker Wil Lutz in free agency but Lutz decided to return to the Broncos, so Little would likely be the favorite to win the competition with Slye and Patterson.
NFL Absolutely Not Fake News: He is excited to find out where the 36th NFL team is located.
Round 7, Pick 236 - Myles Cole, DE, Texas Tech:
NFL: Finding the right technique for Cole will be key, as he lacks the bulk to handle full-time interior duty, but his unusual traits (especially his length) make him a fun Round 7 dice roll.
CBS Sports: B. Absolutely enormous, freaky long EDGE. Moves well for his size but wasn’t overly productive in college. Has hand work but too often blocks stick to him. Does not deploy his length as an advantage. Has to add that to his arsenal.
ESPN: Cole's measurables at the combine were impressive: 36 7/8-inch arms (longest of any player) and a 7-foot-3 wingspan. He also ran a 4.67-second 40-yard dash, which is impressive for a 6-foot-6, 278-pounder. But his college production wasn't as impressive, with five sacks in six seasons (four years at Louisiana-Monroe and two at Texas Tech). He's a developmental project.
NFL Absolutely Not Fake News: Thinks Sisko was, no IS, the best Trek captain.

I had been with my ex girlfriend for 2 years. The relationship was amazing, if there was a problem, we talked about it and we fixed it. Although it was a long distance relationship, it worked out well because both my and her parents were able to support us financially.
Now some intel about the breakup itself which might be helpful:
My girlfriend had been on vacation with her family and because of that, basically didn’t text me at all. Coming from a person that always puts maximum effort into the relationship and talking to the person regularly, i asked her to take some of her free time ( for example chilling at the pool for a few hours or watching videos with her friends ) and spend it calling me instead since i’d appreciate seeing her face at least once a day and talk about it everything that’s going on, especially because we both have stressful times going on.
After summarizing my feelings and thoughts into a message, i left her the message over night to read. The next day ( actually the day she was flying home ) she told me that we‘d talk about the problem once she’s home. I obviously waited for her but when we talked at night, she told me that she’s too tired and would prefer to talk about it tomorrow. Since i obviously don’t want to have her arguing tired, i agreed with her, but the next day, same thing. Since i felt deeply disrespected and my feelings disregarded, i, again, sent her a message, this time more upset ( i did use some mean expressions i would not normally use, but again it deeply upset me and also hurt me )
She read it and said that she’s again too tired to handle it, and that she will talk to me about everything the next day.
Now, this is where it gets „weird“ and where i don’t know how to act about it.
The next day, after the whole day no being available again, she sent me a long text.
I will not copy and paste the whole text obviously, but her main point of criticism was that i don’t trust her and that she can’t be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t trust her. I was obviously shocked by firstly the breakup message itself, but also confused by the contents, since the argument wasn’t about trust at all. At this point i need to specify, that we did have problems with me not trusting her in the past, but a lot of the times it was disagreements on subjects like „how often should i text you“ , „should i go on a 2 week vacation with friends that you don’t like and go clubbing“ in which the definition of „trust“ is extremely hard to make out which is why i never saw it as part of the trust problem, but more of individual problems.
Nevertheless, i need to admit that i’ve been more mistrusting and insecure due to my enourmous amount of stress because of the finals in school, my future etc. Still, in the breakup message, she specified on that point exactly, which, at that point, hadn’t been a problem in our relationship for quite a while.
Now about my actual question. When i called her that night to talk about everything, i convinced her to think about it for at least two days so she can be a 100% sure. This has now turned into 5 days of less and less contact going from calling each other and talking about eurovision to going to bed and only texting 2 times a day REALLY shortly.
I have told her multiple times that there are a LOT of things that have been misunderstood as you could clearly tell by her message that we need to talk about, and i don’t understand why the contact is getting less and less while she told me that she loves me and misses me just two days ago. Talking about the problems and the fuck ups on both sides could potentially save the relationship, whxih is why i’m seeking help here on reddit to find out how i can get her to have that final conversation ( or hopefully not final ) with me.
Thanks to everyone in advance, i highly appreciate it.

I (27F) have a brother (25M). My parents have always favored him.
Background and examples: Growing up, it was small things like he’d rip my Barbie’s heads off, or steal my toys, or take my markers and leave them without lids to dry out. He was never told not to do this, it was me who was always in trouble for getting mad at it. However I was like 7. I never, and still don’t, have a reason to mess with him or his items. I just wanted my space and and myself to be left alone.
If we fought, it was always ‘my fault” because I was older. It was like he’d antagonize me, then I’d eventually snap back, but I got in trouble.
Examples - he would like touch with me his finger and hold it there and when I’d say “stop” 3 or 4 times, he wouldn’t. So eventually I’d just slap his hand or something to make him stop, but I’d be in trouble. It was never “well you need to leave her alone” from my parents to my brother.
Fast forward to high school, I always had the hardest time getting my parents to let me hang out with friends, socialize, etc. They were extremely strict, and yelled a lot. I was a normal kid, not exceptionally bad. I made good grades and stayed out of trouble. When my brother was also in high school, they never fought him on anything. He’d have the cops show up with him at our family home for being out drinking, but never got in trouble. I got caught drinking before too (no cops) and it was hell for me from there on out.
Overall, they are extremely harder on me and do not treat us equally. Even he has said it. I don’t have an issue with my brother, I have the issue that my parents have capacity to treat me the same as they do him and they actively have always chosen not to.
They were mean when I went to college, it was not an exciting time (it should be). They wanted me to stay home for college but I couldn’t bc all they did was yell at me. I was always a straight A student, and wanted to do business school. My dad was insistent that I would be “very poor” and to pick something “better”. So I did engineering. I made straight As for first 1-2 years then, started doing badly. My mental health was bad as my parents were just horrible to me, always yelling, and I couldn’t keep up with engineering. They would constantly block me, or rip $$ out from under me, and threaten not to pay my rent or tuition which just added to my stress. I was going through a hard time, and they were everything but supportive and were mean. My mother has since apologized, my dad has not and sees nothing wrong with it. Anyways, I graduated 1 year late (switched to business like I wanted to) but still with honors. My parents made it extremely clear that I was not going to receive a dime from them after graduation, and not to ask. They also made me take a loan for my 5th year of college, which I pay each month. After I graduated, I moved out on my own to Houston and have paid my own way (rent, loan, all expenses). 1-2 weeks after graduation, I asked my dad for $300 dollars and said I’d pay him back. He ignored me. I never asked again. Today- I make enough to support myself and work in finance and enjoy it. I do not need their assistance, although it would be nice.
This weekend I learned that my brother (also was pushed into engineering by my dad, but had a 5th year as well as he switched to criminal justice) has been supported by parents ever sense he graduated. They have been paying his $1500-1900 rent each month as he’s been in law school school. He’s been in school for 2 years now. So they’ve easily paid 30k+. They also pay for this clothes, trips with friends, etc.
I asked to go to grad school, but my dad laughed at me and made it clear that he wouldn’t support me.
I am livid that they have been paying for my brother to just live & go to law school post college , but didn’t help me at all. They basically just said “good luck” and never gave me anything. I don’t even need the money (although it would be nice) as I have a job. However this just majorly hurt my feelings and I cried myself to sleep last night and don’t even want to look at my dad. He thinks I’m in the wrong for being bothered by this. AITAH?

GrapheneOS and stock Android are both OS options for phones. GrapheneOS focuses on keeping your info safe. Stock Android, on the other hand, offers many handy features. Let's dive into how these two differ in privacy, security, and what you can do. This way, you can pick the one that suits your needs best.

Key Takeaways:

• GrapheneOS places a strong emphasis on privacy and security, while stock Android focuses on providing convenience features.
• GrapheneOS stays close to upstream and delivers regular updates before stock OS.
• Google apps work on GrapheneOS, but some apps need special permission to install.
• Some banking apps might not work on GrapheneOS. This is because they lack a certification from Google. You might be able to make some of them work by using special settings in the apps.
• Unfortunately, GrapheneOS misses on Android Auto and easy backup solutions.

GrapheneOS Features

GrapheneOS is known for its strong focus on privacy and security. This makes it perfect for those who want to keep their data safe. Now, let's look at what makes GrapheneOS stand out from the rest.

Sandboxed Google Play Services

One of GrapheneOS's key features is sandboxed Google Play services. This means apps can't freely access your private data. They're limited to a safe area. This helps prevent data leaks and stops apps from seeing more than they should.

Regular Updates for Security Maintenance

GrapheneOS keeps devices safe by offering frequent security updates. These updates fix any new vulnerabilities that might arise. This way, the system is always up-to-date, keeping your device secure.

Attack Surface Reduction Measures

GrapheneOS uses techniques to reduce the chances of different types of attacks. It limits how much apps can interact with the system, blocking some attacks right at the start. It also includes special features that make it harder for attackers to exploit the system.

Enhanced Heap Memory Corruption Defense

Heaps are a common target for hackers, but GrapheneOS strengthens against this. It uses its own memory management system to protect against heap corruption. This includes special memory handling to make attacks harder.

Robust Memory Exploit Detection and Prevention

GrapheneOS is ahead of the game in detecting and stopping memory exploits. It has tools that spot and fix important memory bugs. This helps keep your device safe from complex attacks that target memory use.

Official Production Support for Pixel Devices

GrapheneOS supports many Pixel devices officially. This includes the Pixel 8 Pro and other new Pixel devices. Users of Pixel devices can get the added security and privacy GrapheneOS offers.
After learning about GrapheneOS, it's time to look at Stock Android's setup and features in the next section.

Stock Android Setup and Features

Setting up Stock Android on your device is simple. Its user-friendly interface makes it easy. When you turn on your device, you'll follow some steps to make it yours. This includes picking a language, connecting to Wi-Fi, and signing in to Google.
Stock Android works perfectly with Google's many services. Thanks to Google Play services, you get millions of apps and games from the Play Store. Just sign in with your Google account to start downloading your favorite apps, from work tools to social apps.
Stock Android also brings you Google Maps. It gives you precise directions and updates on traffic in real time. It's great for finding your way in a car or on foot, showing you the best routes and interesting places nearby.
With Google Keyboard, typing is easier and better. It guesses your next words, lets you swipe to type, and supports different languages. This means typing on your phone is faster and more accurate.

Key Features of Stock Android:

• Simple and user-friendly setup process
• Integration with Google services, including the Google Play Store
• Google Maps for navigation and exploring new places
• Google Keyboard for enhanced typing experience

Features	Stock Android
User-friendly setup	✓
Google Play Store access	✓
Google Maps integration	✓
Enhanced typing experience with Google Keyboard	✓

Functionality Comparison

GrapheneOS and stock Android are much alike in basic phone tasks. Yet, they have key differences.

GrapheneOS Functionality

GrapheneOS values substance over flashy marketing. It cares deeply about privacy and security. By not including Google services, it focuses more on protecting users.
Its main goal is making your device safe from attack. It does this by limiting what attackers can do and safeguarding the core part of the operation system.
It also stops attackers from taking full control even if they somehow get in. This is done through a feature called verified boot.
By removing unneeded code, GrapheneOS makes attacks from far away, close by, or online less likely. It adds layers of protection to apps and the system, making them much harder to exploit.

GrapheneOS Functionality Features	Description
Sandboxed Play Services	A sandboxed Play Services feature that provides better app compatibility, functionality, and security compared to MicroG.
Push Notifications without Play Services	GrapheneOS allows push notifications to work fine without Play Services for many apps.
Privacy-Focused Network Toggle	GrapheneOS offers a network toggle without leaks and prefers fine-grained VPNs for enhanced security.

GrapheneOS finds a sweet spot between being private, easy to use, and secure. It designs features to challenge any threats.

Stock Android Functionality

Stock Android, made by Google, aims for everyone. It has many features that cater to diverse needs.
One highlight is Android Auto, making your phone and car work together. This way, you keep your hands off the phone while driving yet enjoy many useful features.
Another cool feature is Now Playing. It shows what song is playing without you needing to open your phone. This is handy for finding new music.

Stock Android Functionality Features	Description
Android Auto	Android Auto provides seamless integration between Android devices and compatible vehicles for hands-free access to navigation, communication, and entertainment features.
Now Playing	Now Playing feature The identifies and displays the currently playing song on the lock screen.

Such features make stock Android attractive for those who want a versatile system. It's packed with tools and tricks to make your life easier.
Remember, GrapheneOS and stock Android are both good for getting things done. Yet, GrapheneOS shines in protecting your privacy. This might mean fewer but more secure features.

Privacy and Security

When you pick a system for your phone, think about privacy and safety. GrapheneOS and stock Android protect your data in unique ways.

GrapheneOS Privacy and Security Features

GrapheneOS focuses heavily on keeping your data safe. It offers many tools to boost your privacy and security. These include limiting data collection and secure updates.

• Limiting Data Collection: GrapheneOS cuts down on what data gets collected, lowering the chance of others getting it.
• Secure Updates: It ensures your system stays safe by giving you regular, secure updates.
• Restricted Google Services Access: GrapheneOS limits how much Google can see of your personal data.
• Permission Controls: You get to decide what info apps can use. GrapheneOS gives you strong controls over this.

Stock Android Privacy and Security Considerations

Stock Android, made by Google, has its security perks. But it's heavily tied to Google's services. This can lead to less privacy.

• Google Services Integration: It comes filled with Google tools. While convenient, it does raise privacy worries.
• Privacy Settings: It does have some privacy settings. You can adjust app permissions a bit and limit some data access.
• Regular Updates: Google works on updating stock Android often to fix security issues.

Both GrapheneOS and stock Android care about security. However, GrapheneOS's special focus on privacy sets it apart. It's great for anyone who really values their data privacy.

Comparison Table: GrapheneOS vs. Stock Android Privacy and Security

Privacy and Security Features	GrapheneOS	Stock Android
Data Collection	Minimizes data collection	May collect user data through Google services
Updates	Regular secure updates	Regular updates to address security vulnerabilities
Google Services Access	Restricted access to Google services	System-level integration with Google services
Permission Controls	Strict permission controls	Permission customization options

Table: A comparison of privacy and security features offered by GrapheneOS and stock Android
In summary, if you're big on privacy, you'll like what GrapheneOS offers. It's a top choice. But if Google's services matter a lot to you, stock Android might be the way to go. It's not as privacy-focused, but it's great for those that love Google's features.

App Compatibility

GrapheneOS and stock Android both excel in app compatibility, but GrapheneOS faces challenges with some banking apps. These apps need special access. Yet, GrapheneOS aims for the highest privacy and security, sometimes making these needs clash.
Many apps are compatible with GrapheneOS, and the project actively works with developers. It encourages them to make their apps work with GrapheneOS. This allows users to enjoy the operating system's enhanced privacy and security safely.
Stock Android, on the other hand, has superior compatibility with all apps, including those from banks. It works across many devices and is chosen by developers. Its wide use makes it easier for developers to ensure app compatibility.
To make the app experience smoother on GrapheneOS, users can choose alternative apps that work well with the system. Also, the project is always updating to boost app compatibility through community efforts.

Recommended Banking Apps for GrapheneOS

Many banking apps face issues on GrapheneOS. Still, several banking apps perform well on this system:

• Banking App 1: This is a secure and reliable app made for GrapheneOS.
• Banking App 2: It provides an easy and smooth banking experience on GrapheneOS.
• Banking App 3: This app focuses on keeping your financial info secure and private.

Remember, although these apps are compatible with GrapheneOS, it's wise to confirm with your bank or financial institute for the latest compatibility updates.
As GrapheneOS grows, its app compatibility, including banking apps, is expected to get better. The project is dedicated to offering an experience that values security and privacy while ensuring apps work well.

User Feedback and Experience

GrapheneOS is great for privacy and security, which users love. They feel their data is safer and that Google tracks them less. Plus, it works well with most Android apps. This means users can still do what they want while keeping their privacy a top priority.
Some say that stock Android is smoother and has more useful features than GrapheneOS. They think that GrapheneOS focuses too much on privacy and misses out on some key features. For example, it doesn't work as closely with Google services and apps.
GrapheneOS users share their thoughts in forums, social media, and by talking to the team. They give detailed advice, like how to make permission prompts even safer. They also want the Auditor feature to be better explained, especially to journalists.
Users often request a better way to know when there are system updates. They want to be able to choose when to update, so it doesn't disrupt their day. They also ask about how to use the app pinning and auto-reboot timer, looking for more info.
Users also need more info about the Android Recovery system in GrapheneOS. They want to know more about its role in updating the system. And they worry about any issues the updates might bring.
Some users find features in GrapheneOS that remind them of Google. They want clearer information about these features. This way, they can understand them better.
App compatibility is an issue for some. A few apps won’t work on GrapheneOS because they fear security risks. Some just crash. This is why some users carry a second phone for specific apps, like banking or gaming.

User Profile Usage on GrapheneOS

GrapheneOS encourages the use of separate profiles for different apps. This keeps your privacy and security levels high. Users should have profiles for general use, social media, work, and private matters.

GrapheneOS Installation Ease

Installing GrapheneOS is known for being easy among custom OSes. The web interface makes the process straightforward. However, installing it on various computers might need extra steps sometimes.

GrapheneOS Benefits and Drawbacks

Why do people like GrapheneOS? It's great with most apps, makes you more secure, and doesn't let Google track you much. Plus, it backs up your apps very safely.
But it's not perfect. Some apps, like Facebook Messenger, have issues. The fingerprint sensor on the Google Pixel 6 isn’t the best. And sometimes you might face problems with internet when using a VPN.

Google Pixel 6 User Experience

The Google Pixel 6 is seen as a good buy by users. It offers good features and performance for its cost. However, the fingerprint sensor and the size of the phone get mixed reviews. The camera's quality also varies among users.

Overall Recommendation

Despite some issues, GrapheneOS is recommended by many for its strong privacy and security. It's a good choice for those who worry about Google spying on them.

User Feedback Overview

Feedback	Request/Suggestion
Implementation of safeguards in on-demand permission prompts	Enhancing permission controls for improved security
Better explanation and marketing of the Auditor feature	Targeting investigative journalists as potential users
Proposal for a notification system for system updates	Allowing manual installation of updates
Inquiry about the functionality of app pinning with auto-reboot timer	Clarification on how the feature works
Request for clarification on Android Recovery system	Understanding its role and potential issues with OTA updates
Identification of features resembling "Googlisms"	Clear explanations and disclosures for informed usage
Challenges with app compatibility on de-googled version	Issues with banking apps, food delivery apps, Uber, and mobile gaming

Future Development and Updates

GrapheneOS gets better thanks to the hard work of gifted developers. They're always updating it to make it safer and easier to use.
Updates bring new security patches, app changes, and more. For instance, new kernel updates might change to versions like 5.15.151 or 6.1.80. Apps like Vanadium might jump to new versions like 124.0.6367.159.0.
They use tags to give updates for certain devices. For example, a tag like 2024040100 might mean a special update for certain phones. These updates are meant to make your experience even better.
Recently, they made sure that VPN apps can't accidentally leak your web requests. They also update apps like PDF Viewer to make sure they run smoother. These updates are all about making your phone more enjoyable to use.
GrapheneOS also pays special attention to certain phones. For example, the Pixel Fold might receive updates specific to its design. This keeps your device running well and safe.
They change settings to make your phone safer and easier to use. For security, a new memory tag setting is available. You might see different settings based on what phone you have, making everything more user-friendly.
Improving apps is just as important to GrapheneOS. Apps like TalkBack, which helps by reading the screen, might get better with version 14.1. These changes aim to make using your favorite apps a smoother experience.
They also make technical updates to stay cutting-edge. A recent kernel update, like 5.15.149, makes your device more secure and faster.
Even the Camera app and GmsCompatConfig (used for Google services) get updated. This ensures your phone is more dependable and full of new features.

Official Device Support

GrapheneOS officially supports many Pixel models including the Pixel 8 Pro and Pixel 5a. These devices let you make the most of GrapheneOS's features.
Some Pixel phones, like the Pixel 5, won't get any more updates. Yet, the Pixel 4a and 4 XL keep getting support, like better security. This means you can still use these devices safely.
The 8th generation Pixel devices offer top security levels. They're supported for 7 years from their launch with features custom-tailored to protect your device.
Pixel devices get different levels of support based on their generation. The 8th generation has a longer 7-year support compared to 6th and 7th generation models, which gets 5 years. This shows GrapheneOS's focus on lasting security and usability.

Future Focus and Community Support

The team behind GrapheneOS aims to make major improvements in device, system, and software security. Their focus isn't on supporting every device but on ensuring profound security.
GrapheneOS has a strong community that loves its security. This community's dedication to privacy drives the project's advancement and success.

Related Alternatives

CalyxOS, RattlesnakeOS, DivestOS, and Ubuntu Touch offer different privacy and security features. Exploring these options can help you find the right system for your needs.

Benefits and Drawbacks of GrapheneOS

GrapheneOS offers big benefits for privacy and security. It keeps your data safe and lets you control your online world better. But, there are drawback to consider too.

Benefits of GrapheneOS

• Enhanced Privacy: It reduces the chance of your data being stolen. You get to control what apps can and can't do on your phone.
• Innovative Security Features: It's really good at stopping new security threats. This makes it hard for bad guys to find ways to harm your phone.
• Enhanced Security and Privacy Settings: You can do cool stuff like turn off Wi-Fi automatically or only use the internet through certain apps, making your phone safer.
• Dedicated Effort to Prevent Memory Corruption Bugs: It works really hard to keep its system safe from bugs. This means fewer chances of someone breaking into your phone.
• Secure Apps: It comes with special apps that keep your phone safe. This includes a secure web browser and camera app that protect your data.

Drawbacks of GrapheneOS

• Limited Google Integration: It doesn't come with Google's usual apps. You can add them but this might mean giving up a bit of privacy for certain features.
• App Compatibility: You might struggle to use some apps, like banking apps, because GrapheneOS isn't the regular Android. But, more and more apps are being made to work with it.
• Lack of "Smart" Features: You won't find fancy features, like Google's smart phone answering feature or advanced keyboard tools. You might need to choose between these extras and your privacy.
• Troubleshooting Required: Sometimes things might not work perfectly. You might find some emojis missing or have to fix some app issues yourself. So, some tech skills could come in handy.

Deciding on GrapheneOS means balancing privacy with how easy your phone is to use. It's great for keeping your data safe. But, you might not find all the apps and features you're used to.

Conclusion

After using GrapheneOS for a year on a Google Pixel 6A, its focus on privacy and security shines. It updates quickly, in about 5 minutes, keeping your phone safe. Occasionally, small graphical glitches happen but are easy to fix.
Most day-to-day apps work well from the Google Play Store and Neo Store. The battery life is outstanding, lasting days even with lots of use.
It integrates well with Google's main products like the Play Store and Calendar. Yet, using these services means thinking about your privacy trade-offs.
When making privacy choices, think about how you use technology and what you're comfortable with. The author has used Apple phones for privacy extensively, which informs this perspective.
GrapheneOS makes Android more secure by adding extra permission controls, reminiscent of iOS. It lets users manage apps' accesses like location and storage.
A Google Pixel phone is a good choice for GrapheneOS because it supports other operating systems. Though some users find the user interface a bit challenging, they like its simple design.
To get push notifications working, the author installed Sandboxed Play Services. Going without Google Play Services can be hard due to its deep ties to Google.
With Android 12, apps start to adapt to your phone’s colors, which looks great, especially on the Pixel 7 Pro. This new look makes the home screen feel personalized and clean.
GrapheneOS takes security and privacy seriously, stepping beyond regular Android. Its multiple profiles help keep your data isolated, enhancing privacy.
Setting up GrapheneOS is easy, thanks to a user-friendly web interface. Most apps work well, giving users a satisfying experience, even with compatibility.
Battery life and performance are as good as regular Android systems, showing it can be just as efficient, with better privacy controls.
With GrapheneOS, users have less tracking and more privacy, surpassing typical Android’s privacy. Yet, there are issues with some specific apps and services.
GrapheneOS with a VPN sometimes has connectivity problems, possibly due to app compatibility. Generally, using it on a Google Pixel 6 is a good experience, despite minor issues.

GrapheneOS	Stock Android
+ Strong focus on privacy and security	+ Wide range of features and convenience
+ Streamlined updates with quick completion time	+ Regular updates and feature additions
+ Smooth app compatibility for day-to-day apps	+ Better compatibility with all apps
+ Impressive battery life	+ Similar battery life and performance
+ Seamless integration with Google products	- System-level integration with Google services
+ Additional privacy controls and permissions toggles	- Limited privacy control over Google services
+ Multiple user profiles for enhanced privacy	+ Standard user profile and features

Considerations for Choosing an Operating System

When you compare GrapheneOS and stock Android, think about what matters most. If you are very concerned about privacy and security, GrapheneOS is great. It keeps your data safe and your device secure. However, if you like having many features, stock Android might suit you better.
GrapheneOS is especially good for Pixel devices. It promises many years of support. For example, 8th generation Pixels get 7 years, while older models get 5 years. GrapheneOS might not work with Android Auto or some banking apps. But it's very secure and focuses on keeping your privacy safe.
Stock Android works well with Google apps and has lots of features. You can use Google Maps and Google Keyboard easily. But, if you switch to GrapheneOS, you lose things like Google Pay and some unique Google features.
Choosing between GrapheneOS and stock Android is all about what you need and like. Think about your privacy wishes and how much you value convenience. Then, you can make a smart choice that meets your needs.

FAQ

What are the key distinctions between GrapheneOS and Stock Android?

GrapheneOS focuses on keeping your data safe and private. Stock Android, on the other hand, comes with many useful features.

What are some of the features provided by GrapheneOS?

GrapheneOS gives you a more private and secure playground. It does this by keeping Google Play services separate. It also keeps your phone updated regularly.

How is the setup process and what features does Stock Android provide?

Stock Android is easy to get started with. It includes popular Google services like the Play Store, Maps, and Keyboard.

What are some of the functionalities offered by GrapheneOS and Stock Android?

Both operating systems let you do the basic stuff. But GrapheneOS skips Android Auto and Stock Android has a cool Now Playing feature.

What distinguishes GrapheneOS and Stock Android in terms of privacy and security?

GrapheneOS works hard to make sure your information stays private. It does this by not sharing much with Google. Stock Android, however, is closely tied with Google services, which might affect your privacy.

How is the app compatibility for GrapheneOS and Stock Android?

GrapheneOS might not work with every app. Some banking apps might not fully function on it. Stock Android usually works well with all apps.

What is the user feedback and experience for GrapheneOS and Stock Android?

Users really like GrapheneOS for its commitment to privacy and security. Stock Android is preferred by those who want a smooth experience with lots of features.

How are the future development and updates for GrapheneOS and Stock Android?

GrapheneOS depends on donations to improve with new features. Both systems get updated regularly. Stock Android gets these updates from a bigger team.

What are the benefits and drawbacks of using GrapheneOS?

Using GrapheneOS means your data is more protected. But you might miss out on using some popular apps and features.

What should I consider when choosing between GrapheneOS and Stock Android?

Think about what matters most to you. If privacy and security are top concerns, GrapheneOS is a great choice. Stock Android is better if you want a smoother experience with many features.

Hey everyone!
Going to adopt my little fur ball around the beginning of July, from a friend of mine whose cats just had babies. I’m really excited, I’ve always loved cats and I’m so happy I’m finally in a position to get one and take good care of it.
The kittens are Russian Blues, born on April 1st, so they will be about 3 months old when I adopt. According to my friend, the kittens will be dewormed and vaccinated, but not yet spayed/neutered. I’ll have to get the neutering/spaying done. She said it’s better to wait until the kitten reaches 4-5 months of age to optimize their post-surgery recovery and minimize the risk of urinary tract problems?
I have a couple of questions I’d like to get sorted out before the little fur ball reaches my home:

1. I’m a medical student so I inevitably will get busy at times. I decided to adopt during the summer because I will be home from end June to early September, so I can spend a maximum amount of time with my cat in its early months at my home (and be around when the neuterin/spaying happens lol). However, when I do get back to school, how do I ensure a smooth transition so that my cat doesn’t feel lonely or anxious that I’m gone for 4-6 hours during the day? (Getting another cat is unfortunately not an option)
   
2. I live in an apartment (very spacious with good ventilation), any recommendations on litters with the best odour control? How often should I completely change the litter inside the box and clean the box?
   
3. In your experience, what’s a good ratio of dry food:wet food? In other words, how often should my cat eat wet food? I want to make sure I give it the best possible diet.
   
4. Are there signs of health problems in a cat’s early life that I should be on the lookout for? Like trouble walking/jumping, loud breathing, etc.? The cat will be checked by the vet before I adopt anyways, but I just wanted to make sure there is/isn’t something I should look out for.
   

Feel free to add any other advice you think might be useful to a first-time cat parent, thank you so much!

I finished Morrowind + DLC and I figure this is a good way to end my time and share what I learned. I'm sure there's some I forget or didn't find. Feel free to share.
Have to add this one. 100 Jump 1 second. No slow fall. 100 or 120 (no damage) acrobatics.
I think there's the easy examples. Fortify Intelligence and make Intelligence potions. Drink Intelligence potions. Make more Intelligence potions. Then start making other potions. 125% reflect. Fortify attribute potions. Levitation + Speed. I kind of hate admitting this, but after I was done having fun with super potions, I still used Feather potions and detect enchantment for the rest of the game.
A subcategory is Fortify Fatigue. Most of Morrowind's formulas factory in fatigue so once you fortify fatigue by x5 your maximum and beyond things get crazy. Your jumps get bigger. You move faster. Every attack hits. Every attack against you misses. Every persuasion check works. Once it gets high enough merchants will starting giving you things for 1 gold and trainers will train you for 1.
Then there's calm person. A calmed person will let you do almost anything to them. Drain Personality + Luck. Drain Merchantile for even cheaper training/trading.
Fortify Skill in general. 100% enchanting chance (granted the base formula is unfair even at 100 int, 100 enchant). More effective potions without even requiring Int looping. Turn any trainer into a master trainer with a +60 fort skill on touch.
Drain Attribute. No humanoid can even be a challenge with this. Drain Strength 100 over 1 second stops them from moving. Drain Agility makes ever hit work and knock them down. Drain Intelligence disables any mage. Drain Personality + Luck makes them basically give you money. I never found huge use for Drain Skill, other than drain mercantile for cheap training + trading.
Chameleon. Once you get enough agility, you can start doing almost anything to anyone with 100% chameleon. Stealing obviously. Enemies don't know how to fight back and run away. You can mess with guilds and even cast spells on them without risking expulsion. Even something as small as 20% chameleon lets you easily sneak up on enemies for x4 sneak attacks. Makes assassination easy. Each instance stacks so a 80 chameleon with amulet of shadows and a 20 chameleon lets you access 100 chameleon easy.
Enchanting in General. 100 weakness to magic 1 sec + 100 drain health over 2 seconds in 50 ft is easily accessible once you get a fortify attribute spell. 100 drain strength over 50 ft too. Whatever custom spell lets you take out the 20 cliff racers chasing you. Let's you punch well above your weight when your damage is low or your skill level for magic schools are low. There's also constant enchantments that can more than double your strength, give you 100% chameleon (maybe too strong to be fun), 100% sanctuary, etc. With enchanting it takes some restraint not to make yourself too powerful.

Welcome to the 191st classicalmusic weekly piece identification thread!
This thread was implemented after feedback from our users, and is here to help organise the subreddit a little.
All piece identification requests belong in this weekly thread.
Have a classical piece on the tip of your tongue? Feel free to submit it here as long as you have an audio file/video/musical score of the piece. Mediums that generally work best include Vocaroo or YouTube links. If you do submit a YouTube link, please include a linked timestamp if possible or state the timestamp in the comment. Please refrain from typing things like: what is the Beethoven piece that goes "Do do dooo Do do DUM", etc.
Other resources that may help:
- Musipedia - melody search engine. Search by rhythm, play it on piano or whistle into the computer.
- tipofmytongue - a subreddit for finding anything you can’t remember the name of!
- namethatsong - may be useful if you are unsure whether it’s classical or not
- Shazam - good if you heard it on the radio, in an advert etc. May not be as useful for singing.
- you can also ask Google ‘What’s this song?’ and sing/hum/play a melody for identification
- Facebook 'Guess The Score' group - for identifying pieces from the score
A big thank you to all the lovely people that visit this thread to help solve users’ earworms every week. You are all awesome!
Good luck and we hope you find the composition you've been searching for!

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be dead in the next 24 hours.
Whether that's the Costella family, or whatever this is, I'm not sure.
The police are taking forever, and part of me knows they're either refusing to believe me, or RC got them too.
I'm holed up on our school bus, so I've got nothing better to do.
I want to tell you about my team.
We met in our sophomore year.
Strangers standing outside the club room.
Levi was the freckled brunette who wouldn't stop talking about Game of Thrones.
Sunny, a pretty redhead, told him to shut up.
Tom, a sandy blonde, nodding his head to music corked in his ears.
I just wanted to be part of a club, and get away from my overbearing mother.
I won't say it was a perfect start. Our school was lacking in funding, so anyone could join, which made us more of a Quiz Club. I had some serious anxiety, so I stayed on the sidelines for a while, watching, rather than taking part.
It's not like we actually talked to each other initially. The first few weeks, we played Jeopardy, and attempted to find more members to cement us as an official Academic Decathlon club.
Unfortunately, though, it was just the four of us.
Which made it extremely hard for us to be taken seriously.
According to Google, Academic Decathlon teams were made up of nine members, placed by their GPA.
Our principal laughed at us, but he did let us become official.
Which was out of pity, I assumed.
The club was assembled, and we started meeting up after school.
Sort of.
Sunny barely showed up, and Levi didn't take anything seriously, preferring to spend the time telling us about his weird family turf-war.
Our principal dumped us in a tiny classroom with a resident rat living under the floorboards.
There was barely enough room to move, and the four of us crammed together for three hours was less than appealing.
Still, though, I wanted to be part of a club.
I had grown up with parents who were obsessed with board games, so I was pretty good at general knowledge questions. Our club room was too small for anything else but three desks (Sunny and I shared one) and a whiteboard we had to shove through the door.
But, again, we didn't start as an Academic club.
It was more akin to Story Time Club.
Arriving late on my third day, armed with quiz cards from home, I found Tom and Sunny completely mesmerised by Levi’s storytelling skills, drowned in shadow.
They didn't even turn the lights on.
I strictly remember squeezing next to Sunny, and hearing the words, “But there was so much blood all over the floor, and my Mom told me to go upstairs and hide under the bed…”
Sitting in front of them was Levi, perched on a desk, his legs swinging, a whiteboard marker between his teeth.
Sometimes he'd get up, and illustrate parts of his story.
It sucked that his drawings were all stick people.
I won't go into full details of his life, but Levi grew up as part of a family who had… interesting methods of making a living. I had seen the guy’s father multiple times when we hung out at his place, and, yeah, my friend’s family definitely had Soprano vibes.
Levi’s Draw My Life was nothing to do with the club, but it did bring us closer.
Even if, at that point, I was considering leaving.
But it's not like it was easy to walk away from these guys. It's like finding your soulmates. Levi wasn't the only one with an interesting life. Sunny Lang was an ex kpop trainee, who was kicked out for being too fat, which led her to develop a severe eating disorder, and a hatred for her own body.
Sunny explained her family were originally from Boston, her mother growing up in Korea.
She signed up for an idol agency focusing on creating a new girl group, and had gotten all the way to the final stages, before being kicked for her weight. Sunny told us her story with a smile, though there was a hollowness in her eyes I couldn't ignore. The other girls were judgemental bullies, and the idol diet and brutal regime almost killed her.
Sunny lived in a tiny apartment with 9 girls, who would tear each other apart for a chance to debut. Sunny said all the other girls debuted, and when we (not so patiently) asked for names, she shrugged, admitting she signed an NDA that prevented her spilling the beans.
What she did say, was the K-pop idol is a product, not a person– and are made and moulded into a product.
She had zero interest in throwing her humanity away to become a manufactured doll.
So, one of us was the son of an underground family, and the other was an ex idol.
Tom was an aspiring horror writer with a famous older step-brother.
His story times were usually, That one time I went to the Met Gala.
When it was my turn to reveal my story, I told them the only interesting thing about me.
I could smell when something bad was going to happen.
They laughed, but I was being serious.
When I was a kid, I smelled my mother’s brain tumor.
I remember it smelled like curdled milk.
I asked Mom why her head smelled of mouldy milk, and Mom laughed and said it was her shampoo.
It was actually a grade two tumor growing inside her brain.
Thankfully, the tumour was found quickly and removed.
Growing older, I became sensitive to smell. The little girl choking on the bus smelled of singed wood, and the old man crossing the road stunk of gasoline.
In the fourth grade, my classmate Alex Castor smelled of lemons all morning.
I sat behind him, choking on the stink all the way through class.
Ever since I met him, Alex had always smelled… off.
It was a distinct smell I could never understand, and as the days and months and years went by, that smell morphed into a subtle orangey musk that was so strong I had to cover my mouth and nose. Then, he smelled like lemons.
During Recess, I watched Alex fall off of the jungle gym, straight onto his head.
Alex Castor was dead before the paramedics arrived, my panicked teacher attempting CPR when his brains were leaking out of his ears.
The school claimed it was an accident, but Alex would have been fine if the jungle gym wasn't built on solid concrete.
I told my team members this, and Levi was sceptical.
“You can smell bad things?” He said, his lips curved around his milkshake straw. In the early days, we hung out in the local bar. It's not like we were allowed inside, but Levi could get us in anywhere.
I was squeezed between Tom and Sunny, while Levi took the seat opposite us. I couldn't help noticing our waitress was insisting on free milkshake refills, her frantic eyes glued to Levi.
I had zero idea why. Levi Costella was about as intimidating as a fruit fly.
Wearing a white shirt with a popped collar, a leather jacket thrown over the top, Levi was giving rebellious Harvard student, rather than son of a crime family.
Leaning forward, he raised a brow, clearly not believing me.
“So, you're like a stink psychic?”
I shrugged, sipping my own shake.
“Sure.”
I wasn't planning on telling him the club room smelled off on our first day.
Once we actually started the club, Levi surprised us as the smartest member, and getting to know him further, I came to the realization his family were infamous in our town.
However, his parents hid it well. Lucy and Michael Costella were the owners of a popular ramen store in our town, hiding under the facade of two successful business owners. The Costella’s were an attractive family.
Lucy was a sophisticated brunette with a lipstick smile, Michael, a handsome fluffy haired man who looked like he modelled glasses.
The two were fiercely protective over their youngest son, not so casually reminding us behind grinning smiles, that if anything happened to Levi, we would automatically be involved in the family.
I mean, they did laugh and say, “We’re joking! Look at your little faces!” when Sunny went deathly pale. But there was definitely truth behind their words.
Being Levi’s friend was… challenging at first.
Tom and I were in his room studying for finals, and an alarm went off, flooding Levi’s room in red light.
I had zero idea where it was coming from, but it locked all the doors and windows, forcing the Costella residence into temporary lockdown. Levi didn't seem fazed, casually mentioning his parents were taking care of it.
He had a whiteboard set up in his room, and was standing in front of it, cramming all of our textbook notes into one easily digestible drawing.
Levi wasn't just smart.
He was Ivy League smart, so we had struck gold with him.
His family were questionable, and yes, sometimes I did fear for my life, but as the more time we spent at his house, the Costella household became a second home. We got used to the alarms.
I just brought along ear plugs.
I wish I was writing this post about Levi’s family, and sure, they are a factor in what is going on right now, but I want to preface this by saying the events below involve the 2024 scholastic decathlon final in our town with the school’s listed:
Starbrook High School.
Ratcliffe High School.
Please note, the incident that took place last night was immediately covered up, and all phone footage was destroyed. Our town is mostly out of the way, and does not show up on Google searches.
We also have our own version of the academic decathlon, which is a more town-level competition, due to lacking funds. The four of us were desperate to start competing with our schools.
So, we started taking things a little more seriously.
We got a coach.
Mr Hanes, who was hesitant at first.
In his words, “You will hate me as your coach.”
He started by recruiting more members, announcing, “If you want to be taken seriously as an actual club, then I'll be taking the reins from now on.”
He did, and with our teachers guidance (and sometimes brutal honesty), we reached a level where we could start competing with other school’s in town. Now, none of us knew this, but Mr Hanes was obsessed with winning.
So, club meetings were twisted into two hour study sessions with no talking, followed by Mr Hanes Jeaprody, which was Jeaprody, without the actual fun.
We were quizzed multiple times, answer cards and practise questions quite literally thrown directly in our faces.
I hate to admit this (I really hate to admit this) but Mr Hanes’s tactics worked. Sure, we had been mildly brainwashed by our slightly unhinged coach, but with Levi Costella, we destroyed our competitors. Like I said, our town held their own version of the academic scholastic decathlon, but it was pretty much the same, with some changes.
Ten subjects. Language and Literature, Math, Social Science, Economics, Art, Music, Interview, Speech, and Essay.
Unlike the official Decathlon, ours was more like a game show, with the ability to be knocked out if a team member answers a question wrong. Whoever answers the most questions correctly wins. Team meet ups were either tests, study sessions, or quizzing each other.
Which leads me to last night.
The finals were held in the reigning champions, Ratcliffe High School’s, auditorium.
And we were about to win our town’s Scholastic Decathlon 2024 Championships.
Well…I was knocked out in the music section. Standing next to my coach who I was sure was going to asphyxiate from excitement, I could smell the sudden potent stink of lemon. I tried to ignore it at first, but the more questions my team were answering correctly, the smell got worse, suffocating my senses.
This wasn't just lemon. The stink was like a burning, singing smell trickling into my nose and the back of my throat.
It was stronger than what Alex smelled like.
This was suffocating, drowning my thoughts.
“Are you okay, Cassandra?”
Mr Hanes nudged me when a Ratcliffe girl was struggling to answer a question, only for Sunny to jump in with the answer. “You look quite pale.”
I nodded, forcing a smile.
My gaze was on the Ratcliffe coach, a scary looking blonde woman, whispering in one of her student’s ears.
The Ratcliffe kid freaked me out. He was way too tall, dark blonde hair, and bulging eyes I swear were not blinking.
His gaze was glued to Levi, who wore a smug grin.
There was a smaller girl next to the Ratcliffe kid, a Macbook balanced on her knee. Every so often, he leaned into her, the two of them in deep conversation.
“I'm just nervous.”
I jumped when Ratcliffe scored a point, their side erupting into cheers.
During the break, we had a mini team meeting.
Sunny rushed to the bathroom to freshen up, and I noticed a Ratcliffe girl with a bouncing ponytail following her.
Ignoring our coach’s speech, I joined the two girls in the corridor, that lemony scent hanging thick in the air.
I caught them in an awkward position.
The Ratcliffe girl had her fingers pinched between the material of Sunny’s dark blue shirt bearing our school’s name.
Sunny looked confused, her lips parted like she was going to yell.
Ponytail dropped her hand, suddenly, with a nervous laugh. “Oh! I'm so, so, sorry,” she gushed. “You had, like, the biggest spider crawling on your back.”
Sunny caught my eye, shooting me a reassuring smile.
“Thanks.” She made sure to keep her distance. “Uh, where's your bathroom?”
The Ratcliffe girl nodded down the hallway. “It's just down there. I'm going there too if you want me to show you?”
Sunny motioned for me to go back to the auditorium. “Uh, sure! That'd be great!”
I did try to follow them, only for Sunny to cough loudly.
I took the hint, reluctantly heading back into the auditorium.
My team was hyping each other up, Levi in the centre, sweating through his team shirt. He ran a trembling hand through his hair. “I can't do this,” He groaned. “Ratcliffe High is known to play dirty, man. They're unbeatable.”
“In what way do they play dirty?” I asked, joining them.
Levi gulped down water, shrugging.
“I dunno! They're already trying to distract me with the stink eye.” The boy narrowed his eyes at a grinning Ratcliffe kid who, after noticing our stares, jumped to his feet, waving at us.
“Hey guys!”
“That's Harry Cartwright, the son of the Cartwright family who tried to kill my parents in the third grade.” Levi mockingly waved back. “As you can see, their kid is a fucking sociopath.”
Huh. I wasn't expecting the smiley kid to be the mobster’s son.
Harry Cartwright was not what I expected.
Unlike his team members, he was the only one in casual clothing, a short sleeved white shirt and jeans, a pair of sunglasses perched on top of his head.
Tom went pale.
“Fuck.” He hissed. “He’s one of you? Then those bastards will have a reason to play dirty, right?”
Levi shrugged, averting his gaze. It was the first time I saw his eyes darken, like he was subtly telling the boy to back off.
“The Cartwright’s have been trying to buy our land for a while,” he muttered. “I wouldn't put it past them to use the Decathlon as a way to attack.”
“Attack?!” April, another member of our team, hissed. “Like, attack attack?”
Mr Hanes grabbed the boy, resting his hands on Levi’s shoulders. “Ignore them,” he said. “Hey. Look at me.”
Levi did, raising a brow.
“You're losing that spark in your eye, young man.”
“Spark?”
Our coach nodded. “Look at me, kid.”
Levi rolled his eyes. “I am looking at you, Mr Hanes.”
The man was shaking. I was guessing his whole career (or coaching career) was on the line.
“They know they're losing, Mr Costella.”
Hanes shook the boy, squeezing his shoulders. “You are being positive and Ratcliffe doesn't like that. They want you to be nervous. They want to make you second guess yourself and lose confidence. Don't let them get into your head.” he smiled, giving the boy a playful shove. “Kick their asses.”
“Exactly!”
I didn't realize Sunny was back from the bathroom.
The faint smell of lemons had followed her. I noticed a wet patch on her shirt collar, though she was quick to smile at me, admitting she'd spilled water down herself. Sunny wrapped her arms around Levi, squeezing him into a hug.
She hung on for a little too long, Tom dragging her away with a laugh. “Good luck, all right?” she backed away, ruffling his hair. “We’ve got this!”
When I hugged Levi good luck too, I had to resist covering my nose.
The smell of lemon was unbearable, just like fourth grade Alex.
But it wasn't as potent as earlier.
I vaguely remembered the smell starting to fade once Alex’s body was being carted away on a stretcher.
Following my captain through the crowd, I was right. The smell was less suffocating. Before he went back to the stage, I grabbed the back of his shirt.
The material was soaking wet.
“How are you so wet?” I said, swiping my hands on my shirt.
“Huh?”
I shook my head. “Never mind. Do you remember what I told you in sophomore year?”
Levi settled me with a confident, but nervous smile. “Thaaaat you're scared of clowns?”
“No. I mean the boy who smelled of lemons.” I gritted out.
Levi surprised me with a laugh. “What are you talking about?”
Something ice cold trickled down my spine.
Levi did know what I was talking about. He brought up my stink sense a day earlier in front of his parents, and I had to cover his mouth to shut him up.
Leaning close, I whispered in his ear. “You stink of rotten lemons.”
He nodded slowly, pulling away. “Uh… thanks?”
I bit back a hiss of frustration. “No, you don't understand what I'm saying–”
“Starbrooke High School,” The host announced. “Can all members please return to the stage.”
Levi held up his hand for a high five.
“Can we do this later?” He winked. “I'm kinda busy carrying this spelling-bee on my back right now.”
I nodded shakily, high fiving him, and letting him jump back onto the stage.
Before his words hit like a tidal wave, ice cold water slammed into me.
Spelling Bee?
Slowly making my way back to the stands, Levi’s mistake was circling around my head. He did win a spelling bee, but that was in middle school.
Thankfully, the smell of lemons was gone when I returned to my seat.
Mr Hanes handed me a soda. “Chill out, Cassandera, it's just a game.”
He could talk. The guy was on his fifth coffee.
Mr Hanes was not chilled out in the slightest.
Surprisingly, the event went well. I was half expecting my team to be crushed by the rafters, or caught in a blaze started in the crowd. But we were doing well. No, we were winning.
Reaching the climaxing round, Sunny choked against a smug Ratcliffe boy, joining me on the sidelines.
Levi answered the next question with a confident smile.
We were winning, but Ratcliffe could still catch up with a miracle.
The second to last question was to Ratcliffe, and it was general knowledge.
”Where on the human body would one find the *orbit?*
I knew the answer, and so did Levi, his lips breaking out into a smile when the Ratcliffe boy was hesitating, eyes wide.
Our school’s buzzer went off, Levi slamming his hand down.
Bzzz!
The host turned to our team. “Starbrooke, can I have your answer?”
Levi nodded, shooting our team a victory grin.
“It's…!“ He opened his mouth to answer, his jaw slackening suddenly.
The boy’s shoulders slumped.
“Uh… “
“Um…”
“Huhhhhh…”
Levi inclined his head, blinking, his eyes glazing over. There was a sudden, hollow vacancy that sent chills down my spine. It was like someone had reached into his skull, and yanked out his brain, leaving a shell in his place.
To my confusion, our team captain frowned at his buzzer like he'd never seen one before. He pressed it, exploding into child-like giggles.
Bzzz!
The audience laughed along nervously.
Tom nudged me. “What the fuck is he doing?”
Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz!
Levi’s entire body was slumped, his hand slamming down on the buzzer.
I caught something pooling down his chin.
“Is he… drooling?” I whispered.
Mr Hanes looked mildly horrified. “Has he been drinking?
“Levi?” Tom spluttered. “Drinking?!"
Whatever we were watching, however, was definitely influenced by… something.
Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Bzz!
“Young man, that is not a toy!”
The host wasn't amused. “Starbrooke High School, I need an answer from you,” He nodded to Levi, who was pressing the buzzer, his smile growing.
“Once again,” The host backed away, like Levi was contagious. “Where on the human body would one find the Orbit?”
Levi cocked his head, lips parted.
His gaze found the overhead lights, and he winced, his lips curling into a frown.
“Starbrooke High School!”
Levi jumped, tipping his head back and blowing a raspberry. “Palm tree?”
The audience laughed, and I started feeling nauseous.
Across from us, I could see the twist of a smirk on the Ratcliffe coach’s lips.
Bzzz! Levi slammed the buzzer again giggling.
“Starbrooke High School, if your team member continues to act like this, I will be forced to disqualify all members.”
Our captain stopped, gaze glued to the host, his hand creeping towards the buzzer, like it was a big red button.
The audience loved it, laughing like they were watching a sitcom.
“He wouldn't.” Tom whisper-shrieked.
The auditorium was silent for a moment, awaiting Starbrooke’s response.
Levi stuck out his tongue, slamming his hand down.
Bzzz! Bzzz! Bzzz! Bzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz–
When Tom dragged Levi away from his podium, a Ratcliffe girl hit her buzzer.
“Starbrooke High School, you are disqualified,” the host announced. “Ratcliffe High School, do you have an answer?”
It was Ponytail who nodded with a grin.
“The answer is the eye socket! The Orbit is part of the eye socket!”
“That is the correct answer.” The host was distracted, his eyes glued to Levi.
“Ratcliffe High School wins.”
Levi jumped when the Ratcliffe wide erupted into cheers.
His eyes were wide, clinging onto the buzzer for comfort.
Next to me, our coach looked like he was going to faint.
I barely noticed Ratcliffe’s victory, too busy watching our team captain, who was Harvard bound, tipping his head back and smiling at the ceiling like a new-born baby. Tom dragged the stumbling boy over to me, his mouth twisted.
“This was Ratcliffe, right?” He hissed, shaking our captain, who was struggling, squirming in his grip.
“Did they put something in his drink?!” He prodded Levi. “Hey! What did they do to you?!”
Still, though, drugging his drink didn't make sense.
Levi never left the auditorium, and kept his water bottle with him the whole time.
How did they even manage to slip something into his drink in the first place?
Did I smell our competitors drugging him?
Sure, intentionally inebriating my teammate was morally wrong and illegal, but why could I smell lemon?
“I doubt it was Ratcliffe.” Sunny squeezed next to me. “I've been watching them. They're harmless.”
“Then how the fuck do we explain this to his parents?!” Tom whispered, grappling with Levi, who was fighting to get back to the buzzer.
When Tom let go of him, he dropped onto the floor, crawling over to his podium. It was like watching a child.
Who was determined to piss off the adults.
Levi jumped back to instead feet, his gaze was glued to the host, a smile curved on his lips, when he slammed the buzzer again.
Bzzz!
“Someone, please remove the Starbrooke boy from the stage!”
I was embarrassed, our whole team ducking our heads as our captain was forcibly removed from the podium.
Mr Hanes grabbed Levi, pulling him off of the stage.
I expected our coach to be mad at him, but I think the teacher was more worried, a phone pressed to his ear while he forced the boy into a sitting position.
No, I don't think it's influence from alcohol, I could hear his conversation.
Levi kept trying to get up, mesmerised by the buzzer. The teacher was firm but gentle. “Hey. Sit down, all right? Keep still.” He went back to his phone call, gently prying Levi’s eyes open.
From what I can see, there's nothing wrong. He's just kind of…
Mr Hanes swiped his own hands on his jeans. ... wet?
Team Ratcliffe came over to rub it in our faces, though I was still tuned into our coach’s hissed whispering.
Water? No, I don't think it's water. It smells… no, I haven't told his parents…
“You guys did awesome!” Ponytail's voice was sugary sweet. Too sugary.
She held the 2024 trophy, bearing a satisfied smile. I noticed the Ratcliffe members were surrounding Harry, like guards.
“Better luck next time, okay?” She held out her hand, her eyes twinkling.
“No hard feelings?”
“Control your dog.” Harry said, amused eyes flicking to Levi, who was once again sprinting back to the fucking buzzer. His eyes had visibly darkened, lips curled into a triumphant smile.
Harry Cartwright was watching Mr Hanes chase our team captain like it was his own personal entertainment.
I had to look away before I died of second hand embarrassment.
“What did you put in his drink?” Tom demanded. “Weed? Edibles?” the boy attempted to shove Harry, only to be pushed back. “What the fuck did you do to him?”
Harry’s smile didn't waver. “Like I said. Control your mut.”
When the Ratcliffe team walked away, our red faced coach struggling with Levi, who was behaving progressively more erratically, informed us we were longer welcome inside the school.
Tom suggested calling an ambulance, but our coach was hesitant.
We all knew who Levi’s family were.
On the way out, Tom matched my stride. He was frowning at our team captain struggling to walk.
The way he was acting was already eyebrow raising.
But walking at an angle and being unable to stand up straight was worrying.
“I don't think they drugged his drink.” Tom muttered.
We pushed through the doors out of the school, and I revelled in the cool night air grazing my cheek. “If they did, he would be acting out of it, right? So, what's the deal with him acting like–”
“A child.” I finished for him.
“Yeah.” Tom leaned closer. “Do you think this has something to do with their turf war?”
I slapped at a bug creeping across my cheek.
Levi fell over again, this time bursting into giggles.
“Almost definitely.”
Levi was right about Ratcliffe playing dirty. I didn't realize how dirty until we were on the losers bus home. Levi was in the seat next to me, and the kid hadn't moved since we left Ratcliffe, his eyes wide, lips pulled into a dazed grin.
Bzzz!
The noise startled me from slumber. I was drooling, my head pressed against the window. Outside, the sky was pitch dark, and squinting through the glass, I couldn't get a bearing on where we were. I thought I was hearing things, but when I sat up, I heard it again.
Bzzz!
It was close.
Leaning over the boy, I glimpsed a smear of scarlet on his headrest.
I choked on my next words.
“Tom.”
Tom was in front of me, listening to music.
He didn't reply, his head of dark blonde curls nodding to the beat.
“Levi.” I managed to get out. I prodded him, and his head lolled into his shoulder. “Hey. Can you… sit up?”
Bzzz! Bzzz!
When the boy didn't move, I gently grabbed his shoulders and pulled him forward myself, something contracting in my stomach.
I don't know how long it takes for your mind to fully register something, but my body was already reacting.
Levi’s seat was infested with bugs, eating their way through the upholstery. I was aware of my body moving back. I threw up, instantly, screaming into my hand.
The back of my best friend's skull resembled a deflated soccer ball, what was left of his brain leaking from his skull where a swarm of skittering bugs chewed their way through brain tissue, metallic legs scratching the curved, pearly white of the base if his skull.
Levi’s head hung, his body flopping into mine.
But his eyes were still open, lips still stretched into a smile.
Blood ran in thick rivulets from his nose and ears.
Bzzz!
I could see them, black writhing dots alive in his eyes, wriggling movement under his skin.
“Tom!”
I jumped up, stumbling into the aisle, my stomach heaving.
And it was only when I was on my knees, swiping bile from my lips, when I realized the others weren't reacting.
Tom wasn't moving.
I pulled an Airpod out of his ear, a long, slithering string of pink attached to the end.
There was a stray bug skittering across his hand, his face starting to twitch and writhe.
Moving back, I checked myself over, my hands shaking.
Head.
Shoulders.
Hair.
Clawing through it, my breath was stuck in my throat.
Arms.
Legs.
Feet.
Mr Hanes was slumped against the window, a reddish froth bubbling from his mouth.
Sunny.
I started towards the back of the bus, but all I had to see was her bowed head, half of her skull chewed through.
Sunny was in a far more deteriorated state, her face had been ripped through, a skeletal smile glinting in the dim.
The thick black smear on the window next to her was moving.
When I screamed for the driver to stop the bus, he ignored me.
If anything, he stamped on the gas.
I moved forward to shake him, before glimpsing a bug creeping down his face.
Calling 911, the operator laughed at me.
“Bugs are eating your friends.” He said. “Do you know the penalty for calling with bullshit pranks?”
The bus didn't stop, so I stayed at the front, while the bugs took over the back, eating through my teammates.
After four hours, I risked leaning over the seat next to Tom to check on Levi.
They were eating him.
Chewing all the way through skin, muscle and bone.
I tried to stop the bus, but the driver’s hands were tightly wrapped around the wheel.
Another hour, and blood was seeping down the aisle, crawling with bugs.
Levi was gone, and in his place, a buzzing skittering pile of bugs, that I thought were going to move to a second victim, maybe burrowing into the seats.
But, no.
These things began to tremble, replicating.
Building.
Slowly, nothing became static, and static became muscle.
Then bone.
Then flesh.
When a body began to slowly form, moulded from the dead boy, I stumbled back.
These things weren't eating Levi Costella.
They were rewriting him.
…
Edit: I'm still on the bus. I'm 99.9% sure that I'm infected with whatever this thing is. I can't stop fucking itching.
I keep picking them off me but they won't stop. This bus isn't going to stop until I'm like the others.
…
Edit 2:
I can feel them chewing into my skull. They're in my ears. I keep spitting them out. Please, someone get them off of me. Help me. I don't want to die at 17.
Edit 3:
Still alive. Still breathing. Maybe they're leaving me alone????? I think I'm okay. There is a pile of bugs at my feet, but they're crawling off of me.
Edit 4:
Levi really wants to go home. Like, he just told me he REALLY wants to go home. He's got a gift for his parents.
~~Edit 5 :) ~~
Levi is next to me right now, an odd smile on his face.
The bugs are not finished building him yet, but he'll be ready soon.
We will be ready soon.
Your son says hello! He is a wonderful boy, is he not?
Mr and Mrs Costella, I cannot wait for you to meet him.
He is our greatest achievement, and rest assured, you will give us what we want.
Warm regards.
The Cartwright's.

How is it people go day to day at all? literally, how is 99% of the population not conscious? can you not see? or do you think maybe it is beyond you? it doesn't affect you? its not as bad as it seems? or some other ignorant and delusional psychological self comfort.
surely its not like the movies, and some people observe while others get herded from paddock to paddock, a rare few genius and outliers of all which are Neurodivergent
our world both sputtering and struggling to function and simultaneously being destroyed by neurotypical people.. just consume and steal and take from those who care about detail and precision and perfection.. disgusting..
literal ants sprawling for crumbs, yet no real thought, not even as an individual, no leader, no queen, may as well be a smooth brain koala grasping at leaves even it cannot digest. brain dead apes that just take take take, live in a social hierarchy and invent concepts like "bullying" that make zero sense because we all pretend we don't live in this sick social fuck fest of a game, but we do live here. and everyone just lies fucking willy nilly every second of every single day..
yet people just accept it as so.. how does anything less than perfection ever prosper, how come people want problems, want pain, want misery? and toss it up to "balance" or some other misnomer to make themselves feel better.. how the fuck does youtube videos have soft corners, yet we still make cheap mass produced shit with sharp edges that no one ever buys and gets thrown in the ocean to destroy the very thing that keeps us alive..
EVERY. SINGLE. THING. that gets made. not used, not bought. not sold, IT AFFECTS SOMEONE DOWN THE LINE, all these people "doing their own thing" all these simultaneous problems and projects.. video games for example, we have hundreds of studios making hundreds of shit games, wasted hours, wasted resources, everyone branching off to make their own failures, all because of corporate dried shit sniffers thinking they know everything, feeding the greed machine, when people forget, movies, music, art... these are our god forms, the ONE thing we ACTUALLY have.
otherwise we are just smooth brain fucking animals crawling around in our own literal shit, we are so aware of the microscopic world, yet ignore it until it shuts down our social structure.. fucking idiots... old school systems.. fucked up laws.. governments that lie.. you call yourself an ADULT? how the FUCK did you let this happen?
we live in a bureaucratic world (worst fucking word in the world, both literally and visually, linguistically and literature, fucking awful word.), and just like the word itself, it should not exist AT ALL, governments and rules and laws that make NO sense and only benefit those looking to exploit those who cant think for themselves, steps for steps for steps that lead no where..
yet when it comes to that same logic and reasoning, as an individual, it is illegal, criminal, frowned upon even, and then the average person is so dumbfounded by such a concept it gets laughed into the firey pits of hell where we are all fucking headed anyway
intstead of everything being FAIR and TRACKED and LOGICAL, having laws that MAKE SENSE, we live in a clusterfuck..
every single detail, increment, ownership, every number word and piece of data, ALL should be recorded and traceable to a source
EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, should be accounted for, there should be NO THEFT or MISSING items
for example: DE CRIMINALISE DRUG USE - SOLVES ALL YOUR DRUG PROBLEMS. LESS ADDICTS, LESS DEATHS, LESS CRIME.
BAN CENSORSHIP. ENABLE TRUE FREE SPEECH, BEING OFFENDED IS NOT ALLOWED, NOT EVEN TAUGHT, OFFENCE IS PHASED OUT.
Increase right to repair laws, teach repair and mechanics in schools, change school catchments and also reduce work commutes, create large synchronized communities with a balance or trades and education across well distributed areas, abolish the "central business district"
abolish any and all destructive and parasitic practices, become full sustainable regardless of the cost (no MATTER how expensive self sustainability is FREE in the long run) what don't people understand about this most basic shit...
if you don't want problems.. STOP FUCKING MAKING PROBLEMS.. but that's just it isn't it... people WANT problems.. the average person wants a series of manageable problems they can feel good about on a daily basis..
After 2-3 whole days of using broken software, broken system, shitty bureaucratic rules, waiting for idiots, waiting for technology either to load or to buffer, waiting for something to arrive waiting for THINGS to happen with services that "track" but will straight up just be inaccurate to the point where not knowing would be better..
i've always said, its easier to read a book with no internet collection, and easier to watch a video with a fast one, but with a slow and broken connection, nothing is possible. we live in a society on inescapably broken systems, if they didn't exist, we would be free and happy, if they worked perfectly, we would be free and happy, but instead we CHOOSE to live right in the middle
who the fuck is this world built for...