I know I keep saying this in comments but I'm having a bad day in the PTSD front. I will be fine. I do have therapy and a lifetime of coping skills but I want to make sure people who are preparing see this.
If possible make sure your after surgery care includes mental health. There's a lot of things that can trip various mental health care needs. While today is being extra rough there's been tons of little ones and if I hadn't prepared it would be harder.
So to prepare?

1. Make sure your support system knows you're about to be vulnerable, have hormonal changes, and that surgery is trauma. Physically but emotionally. It's scary. If it isn't that is actually not good for the mental health later (it's me my brain did this).
   
2. If you have access and aren't seeing someone set up therapy. I guestimated for me a month out and to the day that is when my brain decided to go "Here's the trigger wagon full of things to relive and hyper vigilance is going to be even worse than directly after!" How fast after surgery will vary but in case you're not sure about being able to go? Telehealth options exist because of the pandemic so it's just a different place than other therapy options.
   
3. The good days are going to be wonderful. The bad will be emotionally hard. This isn't just because surgery is trauma but s mixture of the medication side effects, hormonal changes, and the changes to our bodies. It's a lot.
   
4. How bad it can get is individual. If you're struggling immediately after remember that there's options. For the USA there is the new emergency line for mental health 988. This doesn't mean only life and death stuff and there's a lot of variety in what they can do. So they can be a good option for the gap between surgery and care.
   
5. Remember you are not alone. I am bad at sharing my pain or I was. That's changed with good mental health care and a good support system. I still struggle with feeling like I have to hide this stuff. Like mentioning it is a bad thing. It makes it easier to reframe so it's not an insurmountable thing.
   

Some options I am not sure where to put. I set up a group chat during the pandemic with my closest people (partner, chosen family, best friend). It's the Ventspace. We were all struggling for obvious reasons. I was actually the best off and I am on SSI for my PTSD. The rules for the Ventspace? Only go into it if you have the mental health room to support the person needing it. This way there is a consent aspect vs trauma dumping. It's usually an immediate response but it's still giving everyone a buffer if their own stuff is too big. Sometimes it's just "Don't read this" followed by a scream into the void of pain. Sometimes it's everyone having hard times but supporting each other. This is part of surviving the pandemic while being terrified I wouldn't survive not from Covid (actually never gotten it) but from my uterus and the 7 year hemmoragh. I needed transfusions and it's very much part of the brain weasels going off. We each have found there's stuff we cannot put there. Limits exist and that's why therapy. I refuse to irrevocably scar my chosen family for life and certainly can with my trauma. I just also don't want my partner to see me in that space. There's no shame for that but a genuine concern about the effects on their mental health and mine if I say it. I have barely begun to word those things to my therapist. This is why I have one
The brain weasels are the other hard to categorize thing. I didn't have access to therapy for most of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD at age 4 during my parents divorce and things got worse from there. I didn't actually feel happiness until I was in my 20s. That's when I got a therapist. The brain weasels come from that time but have been vital for coping and helpful for my chosen family too.
Brain weasels are the personification of the things we tell ourselves or the repetition of things we were told that aren't actually true and are harmful. "I'm worthless." That's a mild example. Sometimes for me the brain weasels are even the exact sound of my parents' voices. The ones that are less obvious are harder to manage but imagining them as the cartoon weasels from Who Framed Rodger Rabbit helps a ton. As does imagining facts as giant cartoon hammers that they get beaten with.
Say my brain goes to tell me that it's my fault my carer got into a car accident because I experimented with not doing an ocd ritual and unluckily they were in the accident. The ritual being supposed to prevent that means my brain is going to lie and terrorize me. So I will first try on my own to call the brain weasel out. If I had that much power over everything nothing bad would exist. That's not reality. Things like that. If that doesn't work I will ask for help with the brain weasels in the vent space and lay everything out. Usually doing this helps working past the moment because I can see how the brain weasel isn't an accurate reflection of reality but part of my OCD issues. From there it's looking at what I need to do to cope, what can I control, what is safe coping.
By the end the brain weasel is thoroughly crushed and while it may come back later I am not just okay/fine but usually feeling empowered because of the reality of what I can control. If not empowered I am at least not trapped in that anxiety cycle. This is a real example. The ritual is small but when I leave or someone leaves my company I have to say as the last thing "Drive safely." Which is half the thought. Drive safely because no one else will. It used to be a lot worse than two words but that's part of the process too.
I know I'll be fine in part because of the process and years of practice but with the PTSD? We already survived that. Our brain dragging us through time is uncomfortable, painful, and horrible but we're not actually in that danger and we survived. The pain is valid and real. We deserve comfort and care. It doesn't stop the pain but we aren't actually there.
Sometimes this reminder has to come after because my brain doesn't always let me know that. This is why I appreciate my cat being a chaos goblin with my PTSD. He didn't exist so why is there purring and cuddling of a giant kitten involved? So if you're new to PTSD or struggling with it and can? Try to keep something you can touch around that didn't exist and it may interrupt the process.
The other thing is our trauma responses exist to keep us alive. PTSD isn't just being terrorized forever. It is pattern recognition at its worst. Something poked the subconscious bear. That something might be a threat. So the brain trying to prepare for surviving again is going to go through the bad shit so we are ready. It's supposed to make it easier to spot the threat. Our brains went overboard like me reciting the entire history of Batman with maximum autism styling.
Those are things I figured out as coping before therapy but refined with. I know I am not alone. I know that someone may need this. If it's you? Don't feel obligated to comment if you're not up for being vulnerable. I do understand that happens and I wouldn't want you pushing yourself to reassure me. If you can? Add your coping suggestions too.

First
Previous
Sorry for the delay in getting this part out; been away visiting family so not had much time to put fingers to keyboard, plus I managed to have my phone stolen by a roller coaster and it took a white to get it replaced and be able to get into a few things - stupid two factor authentication! Anyway, I hope you enjoy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Y’Lek and K’Rim slowed their mad dash as they neared the armoury; there was no telling whether the Swarm agents had left any traps for them and the armoury was full of extremely energy dense materials and weapons which could potentially jeopardise the structure of the ship if employed in the right way. Grabbing some handy footholds they stopped and considered the imposing door in front of them.
After a few moments of effort K’Rim had eased off the casement off the door’s locking mechanism but could detect nothing amiss with the crystalline structure beneath. Bypassing the outer interface she placed a grasper to the innards and a small spark of bioelectric energy jumped into the crystal which glowed briefly as the uniquely patterned waveform was parsed and compared with the patterns of those permitted access. The door slid aside as they were granted entry with no unwanted surprises being triggered.
With a relieved chitter Y’Lek started inside only to be pulled back sharply as K’Rim pulled on his leg.
“Stop. Just because the door opens, doesn’t mean that it is safe.” K’Rim warned as she pulled a small disc out of one of her utility pouches. Snapping it easily she gently tossed it through the doorway after slowly counting out a grasper of seconds. The exothermic reaction had reached the point where the disc glowed fitfully in the infrared, while it emitted a clear UV light. K’Rim watched it carefully and her antennae twitched with the effort of picking up any slight sound.
The glow-disc struck some of the lockers which filled the armoury and ricocheted off around the room but nothing seemed to react to the heat and movement.
With a decisive clack of her mandibles K’Rim pulled herself through the doorway and into the armoury. Y’Lek followed close on her tarsus. It was immediately obvious that several sets of warrior equipment had been removed, along with copious numbers of weapons.
Y’Lek was surprised when K’Rim didn’t make for the remaining warrior gear but instead to the emergency pressure suits. Seeing the confused tilt of his head K’Rim explained “Although the room appears safe, we don’t know what they may have done while they were here but it is safe to assume that they would have ensured any of the most dangerous equipment could not be used against them.”
She passed a bundled pressure suit to Y’Lek and continued “The emergency gear and non-powered weapons are the least likely to have been tampered with and have the least amount of capacity for harming us even if they have been so we will have to make do with them until we can thoroughly check the rest of the equipment.”
Y’Lek thought for a moment before bobbing in agreement and starting to pull on the pressure suit, careful to sheath his claws with the hardened “gauntlets” integral to the suit before powering up the spiracle gas exchangers and carefully sealing them in place against his thorax. “Yes, I can see the risk now. Though it will potentially leave us vulnerable, it is better to be certain of our equipment than to die of over confidence.”
The emergency pressure suit came together quickly, living up to its name and the pair were quickly sealed against the cold, dry, and slightly strange tasting air that the aliens had been pumping into the Far Flung Seed and supplying them with a more familiar and moister mixture.
K’Rim passed him a set of the ceremonial but still functional weapons and the harness to hold them. They wouldn’t hold up long against a fusion blade or a particle lance but they were durable enough to give them a chance and were completely inert so could not have been sabotaged.
Only a couple of minutes after entering the armoury they swam back out into the corridor and sped off towards the arboretum.
+++++++++++++++++++
Smithy quickly sprayed a fluorescent marking on the uneven and root covered tunnel junction to identify which way they had come from. “How can such a small ship have so many damn tunnels?” he growled to himself.
“It’s not the size of the ship, it’s what you do with it that matters” quipped Hall.
“Yeah? Well, apparently in this case it was fill it with bloody tunnels.” deadpanned Smithy in response.
“Can it.” broke in Stroud before anyone else could get involved “You can discuss the relative merits of alien design philosophy on your own time; for now you need to focus.”
A chorus of “Sergeant” came back over the radio and the remainder of Delta and Echo buckled down and continued sweeping what even Stroud was prepared to admit was a seemingly endless series of tunnels with apparently zero overarching logic to their layout. Up until a few minutes ago they had been getting directional updates from some supposedly friendly ET’s in the control room but apparently they had suddenly just buggered off so now they were picking junctions that appeared to take them in the vague direction that had been indicated to them.
Stroud again cursed the fact that the maintenance drones brought by the initial engineering team hadn't been able to access this part of the ship and map it due to the tightly sealed blast doors that had protected the forest from the vacuum. Who could have imagined that there would have been so much structure hidden underneath and between the normal corridors and rooms? The three dimensional map they had been creating as they advanced was like something Jackson Pollock and H R Giger might have come up with on an acid trip.
They approached another intersection and slowed. After a quick glance between them, Mears and Jackson moved forward, taking cover behind Mears’ shield. They crept up to the junction and Jackson poked the muzzle of his shotgun, and its camera into the ragged space beyond. The feed showed several small tunnels radiating off at all angles, way too small for any of them to fit down. One navigable tunnel appeared to curve off back in the direction they came from, while another looked like it might go the right way.
Suddenly the camera and the end third of Jackson’s gun disintegrated into a cloud of superheated vapour, shards of glowing metal and smoking composites. With a scream Jackson jumped back, the outer weave on the gauntlet of his left hand shredded and smouldering. In a stunning display of muscle memory he ejected the internal magazine and disconnected the weapon from the backpack feed almost before his mind had caught up with what was going on.
Hands grabbed him as he was yanked further back into the corridor. He flung the remains of his shotgun down and it clattered and bounced down the tunnel in the vague direction of the junction. Jackson was conscious of Mears backing up towards him, shield held protectively to block as much of the tunnel as possible, while Smithy grabbed his forearm and inspected his hand. Stroud stepped over him and took up guard on Mears’ shoulder, weapon trained forward and sweeping what could be seen of the slightly larger space beyond this section of the tunnel.
Another “FOOOM!” as the tumbling wreckage of the shotgun was vaporised as it spun across the opening of the tunnel.
“Fuuuuuuuck me!” said Jackson, at last able to form words as the adrenaline induced tunnel vision started to clear.
“Well, how about you start by showing me whether you can still use your fingers and we can take it from there, eh?” Smithy said from where he was turning his hand from prone to supine again. “Looks like the inner layer of your glove is intact but both Simmonds and Jones complained of numbness after being hit. How’re you feeling?”
Jackson gingerly flexed his fingers and made a fist a few times but grunted as he felt the tips of his fingers tingle where they pressed into the material of his gloves “Feels weird - tingly like I sat on my hand or something.”
Smithy grunted to acknowledge this “OK, well shout out if it gets any worse; got it?”
He pulled Jackson to his feet and slapped him on the shoulder before they both turned back to face down the tunnel again. Jackson surreptitiously flexed his hand a few more times as he pulled out his sidearm and secured its retaining strap to his right wrist. He wasn’t too hopeful that the small pistol would be able to do too much against the ET’s, but it was better than walking around with nothing.
Stroud backed away from the junction where he had been very gingerly checking all the passageways with a camera barely poking out from the mouth of the tunnel they were in.
He stood up and turned to the security team “Ok, looks like there is something stuffed into one of the narrow tunnels - kind of like those shoulder guns the ET’s have, along with a stand and power supply. My guess is it has some kind of automated fire mode and decided that it really didn’t like Jackson’s gun waving around in front of it. Question is, how are we going to get rid of it? We can’t leave it behind in case we need to come back this way in a hurry.”
“I guess it will probably shoot anything we throw at it so grenades are out?” mused Mears
There followed a number of suggestions and comments.
“Can we get an angle on it and just shoot it?”
“How about we let Jackson distract it some more while the rest of us blow it away?”
“We need to avoid the power pack if the two dead ET’s from the corridor are anything to go by.”
Stroud listened for a minute before cutting the chatter short. “Ok, so I think our best bet is to use the ballistic shield to bait it, while someone else blows the top off it from the other side of the tunnel; Mears you and Jackson handle the shield; keep a tight hold on it as those shots release a lot of energy when they hit. Smithy - I’ve marked its location so you hug the other side of the tunnel and draw a bead on it. Wait for it to hit the shield before popping out and taking your shot; and for the love of all that you hold dear do it fast, Ok?”
The team nodded in agreement.
“I will be there to pull Smithy back as soon as he has popped out of cover, just in case.” concluded Stroud before ushering them to their positions. After a few moments of shuffling around each other in the tight space they were ready.
Smithy led the countdown. “Ready. Steady. Go!” Instantly Mears and Jackson shoved a third of the ballistic shield out into the corridor and planted themselves on top of the section remaining in the corridor only a moment ahead of a bright flash and the shield heaving under the impact.
Seemingly almost simultaneously Smithy leaned out and fired, the boom of his shotgun mingling with the “foom!” of the vaporising surface of the shield. Stroud almost bodily lifted him as he pulled him back from the edge.
For a second they were still as they sprawled around the opening.
“A good hit!” called Stroud as he reviewed the few frames of footage from Smithy’s gun camera between jumping out and back in again.
Mears stood up and inspected the sorry remains of his ballistic shield, now missing most of the top edge. “Great, well I hope there aren’t too many more of those hidden around as I’m running out of shield.”
+++++++++++++++++++
N’Dar’s antennae quivered inside his protective suit. That last series of weapons fire had been far too close for comfort and he still had two more locking systems to bypass. With a furious click of his mandibles he redoubled his efforts, running his bioelectric patterns through a series of filters, amplifiers and other signal processing systems to trick the door into thinking he had a right to open it.
The rot take the claw that had been delaying the aliens! He was supposed to have more time than this!
Next

I(33M) have been married to my wife(31F) for 5 years and together for 13. Together we have a daughter(10F). My wife was born with a metabolic disease and has fibermialga. We bought a home in DE not long after having our daughter. Once we moved into our home my wife has been rather abusive to the both of us. She dosent harm me physically(not intentionally)but will always randomly snap and start screaming or try putting me down. Holding that the mortgage of the house is in her name and she makes more money then I. For our daughter its been much worse since we moved in. Their's been a hand full of times, she looses control and it wont just be screaming. I usually can prevent physical harm and deescalate the situation by stepping in but not always. She would be yelling at her to a point of a panic attack needing me to calm our daughter down after stepping in. With my wife trying to smear saying "our daughter is acting like a little psycho". I always feared how much worse it must be when im not around. It came to a point a few years ago my mother had to pull me aside in suspecting my daughter and I were being abused. I was scared and tried to play it down and would talk to my wife. After trying to do so my wife admitted to having anger issues and would be willing to seek help. Even after a anger management class she still blows up constantly. This has been going on till the most recent incident Feb 4th of this year. My wife and daughter started having a screaming match leading to my wife slapping our daughter across the face. I ran to the room to extinguish the situation gabbing and calming down our daughter. My wife quickly apologized crying playing it down to not call the cops. Reassuring everything is okay and she wouldnt do it again. I was in such shock of what I witnessed I just let it slide. 

Its been a few months now it this still eats at me making me feel physically ill around my wife. She hasent been violent(what i know of) since, but still has been loosing her temper. I don't like leaving the two of them home alone. I tend to walk into the house after work to them arguing. Ive tried talking to her about how I feel but she plays it down and cries to make me feel bad for confronting her and says she will try to be more calm, its not her fault, her mother was mean to her too in the oast and dosent want to be like her.

 I don't know what to do or how to get out. We have a joint bank account, living pay check to pay check with not much in savings. I don't really have a place to go either. My parents live a town over and will be moving out of state in a month. They're also already accompanied by my older brother his wife, and also my younger sister living with them. So space would be hard for the two of us. What should I do? Is it to late to press any kind of charges? Do I have to wait for another incident to get evidence, since this would be just my daughter's and I word? How do I report abuse? Would it be possible to have full custody? I have so many questions...Sorry for how long this is or if it belongs here. I'm just lost and feel trapped. 

It wasn’t consensual. Either way. Originally he told me it was when I posted yesterday. but he came to me last night and said he didn’t deserve my support, he said he was just as bad.
She was his aunt, they were the same age. She spent his whole childhood touching him inappropriately in his sleep anytime she would come over, he wouldn’t react, he’d just freeze up and pretend to be asleep until she was done with him.
On his 19th birthday, she came over and brought alcohol. Everyone at the party drank, he drank a bit too much but managed to pass out in his bed. When he woke up she was fully on top of him, he said when he realized who it was he wanted to cry but couldn’t, he tried to get up but she just put a blanket over his face and didn’t stop until she was done with him. When she was gone he thought about what just happened and managed to go back to sleep.
Every birthday, she started doing it to him. He’d drink and wake up to her doing this to him, outside of what she was doing to him they had a regular family relationship. Eventually he got a lock on his door so when she would come over he would lock himself in his room away from her, he told me the first night he realized something bad wasn’t happening to him he didn’t even sleep, he felt so happy.
So Everytime she would come over he would go to bed, with his door locked and he was safe. He also started drinking less, he was always told to drink more by her, he was an alcoholic at the time. But he started filling his shot glass with water. She would get too drunk and she would pass out before him. He would go to bed safe.
One day she brought over her boyfriend and he treated her very good, he bought her expensive things and gave her love and affection. She mentioned how she tried anal but she didn’t like it so her boyfriend didn’t pressure her into it again. This made my boyfriend angry, he hated that she got an option, she got to say what she wanted, she got to say no but she never gave him that choice.
That night they drank, he went to his room, locked the door and thought about how lucky she was. She didn’t have anything bad happening to her, she had a choice so why did he deserve this? He left his room. He kicked her lightly and she didn’t wake up, he tapped her face lightly, she didn’t wake up, he splashed water in her face, she didn’t wake up. So he sat there for a long time but eventually did what she had been doing to him all these years. He would yell at her as he did it, telling her that he didn’t deserve that, that he trusted her and she ruined his childhood, he would ask her how she liked it, and he would tell her that he was just glad it finally wasn’t him, that now it was her. but of course she wouldn’t wake up to answer. He would finish and come back minutes later to do it again, he’d yell at her every single time, sometimes he would cry.
So that’s how it was now, she would come over, he would be safe from her. She wouldn’t hurt him. They would drink, he would fake his shots, they would go to bed. Sometimes he would just lock himself in his room and do nothing, he was just happy it wasn’t him, she wasn’t hurting him anymore. But sometimes he would do what she did to him. Every time he would yell at her and say all the things he wanted to say to her.
He explained that he felt like she deserved it, that even if he told anyone she wouldn’t go to jail, she would get away with it, he explained that jail was better than how she made him feel, he had to live with the fear and trauma everyday.
It reminded me of this time he and I drank, we had a bath together, he drank too much and started crying, he wouldn’t tell me why. But I got him out of the bath and put him to bed, he never put his clothes on and just fell asleep like that. When he woke up and realized he wasn’t wearing anything I remember the way he looked at me, he looked like he wanted to cry, he asked if I touched him and I told him I didn’t. He looked relieved when I told him that, but the way he looked, the horror and sadness on his face, I’ll never forget that. Now it makes sense, I asked him about it and he said he just had a mini memory and sorta forgot who he was really with.
When she passed away after an OD it hit him hard, he told me it felt like a trauma relief but he was so devastated that she would never apologize for what she did to him. He felt like he never got closure.
I was also r-worded when I was younger, I remember hoping that the person who did it to me would experience the same thing. In a weird way I understand how he felt and oddly enough I don’t blame him because I understand how it felt. But how do we move on from this?
TLDR: my boyfriend’s family member r-worded him, he did it back as he got older.

I’ve been identifying as a genderflux trans man (not boyflux) for the past year, and I’m starting to question if I’m actually just a demiboy.
I don’t feel like my gender identity fluctuates. It’s more that my gender expression fluctuates and I am GNC which causes me to perceive myself through different lenses. I started off as a femme enby, so my transition towards being transmasc was very gradual. I used to use they pronouns and xenopronouns, but it has gotten to a point where I feel like I have only used them to show people that I feel different because it progressively felt weirder to not use he/him pronouns. This is the same reason why I stopped using she/her pronouns and the more femme-sounding xenos.
I want to stress that I have always known I was detached from the gender binary. I may not have had the same experience that most trans people have of wanting to be the opposite sex, but as a kid I always saw myself as androgynous and didn’t entirely see myself as a girl even though I was comfortable calling myself that at the time. I struggle to find a good label, but I know inately that I am non-binary. Please don’t try to tell me that I am just a binary trans man, I know it is confusing when I try to explain it but that’s the one thing I am sure of and I am perfectly comfortable and happy being non-binary.
As for why I think I might be demiboy, I always want to be perceived as a man and I always feel like a man, but I don’t feel part of the binary. The reason why I specifically called myself a genderflux man instead of a boyflux person was because at the end of the day, no matter how disconnected I felt from being a man, I always still wanted to be a man, be perceived as a man, and still looked at myself as a man. “Man” is simply the best word for me to use to describe my gender. 99% of the time I just tell people that I am a trans man - I use labels for the purposes of self-discovery and understanding and sometimes to relate to other non-binary individuals.
“Demiboy” is feeling partially attached to the label of man, but that doesn’t exactly describe it. I feel fully attached to the label even if my gender is not completely binary. Microlabels under the demigender umbrella like paraboy make it worse because I first identified as a paragirl when I came out and that felt very different to me now - I don’t want to put a specific label of “mostly” or “over 50%” onto my gender.
Similarly, I guess I could technically call myself bigender (non-binary/agender and man). This was how I identified for a year before I called myself genderflux. Bigender is where you identify with two genders, but I don’t identify with two genders, I identify with a single gender and use the label of a binary gender. It’s like I have one gender that doesn’t fit perfectly into a box but takes elements of the definition of “binary trans man” and “demiboy.” I guess I could call myself bigender and think of it as being both a man and a demiboy, but I don’t know, something about me just feels weird calling myself bigender again.
How do you guys feel about being a demiboy? Is my description fitting of the label do you think, or is it something else entirely? Maybe l get used to thinking of myself as bigender again, but I’m still unsure. I’m just glad I’m just questioning the label I use and not changing my name(s) or pronouns or expression again 🫠

TW - I have a LC and impending MC
I am on holiday at the moment. I am 7 weeks pregnant, after a 6 week MC in February. I also had an MMC at 9 weeks with a d&C in April 2022. I started bleeding yesterday and cramping today. I know how this goes. I haven’t passed the products yet but it’s just a matter of time. This is my 4th pregnancy and 3rd MC. The first two I could pass off as bad luck but now it seems there is something seriously wrong with me.
I am so lucky to have what I have, but I am utterly devastated. I can’t even put into words how I feel. I never ever in a million years thought this would happen and I genuinely don’t know how I can hold myself together.
Just looking to vent in a supportive community.

I’ll try to keep this short but there is a lot of nuance. In the past 1-2 years I have recently reconnected with some friends from my younger days (high school into young adult hood). We will call them Aaron (27 M) and Ashley (28->29 F) and I am 28 F. I previously stopped talking to both of them because of unfulfilled promises. Back in 2018, Aaron’s fiancé had moved to another country with his son and my boyfriend of 1 year plus had left to attend a family wedding and would be gone for close to a month.
Aaron and I in our mutual distress wanted to figure out a solution to our problems. Aaron was unable to fly due to not having papers as was worried his fiancé was lonely and I wanted to be with my partners family. Aaron had promised he would have paid for me to go on my trip before everyone left so my boyfriend’s dad did not count me in the budget for the tickets. With his fiancé leaving it then became I would go be part of the wedding then go stay with his fiancé for a bit. Aaron eventually ended up trying to proposition me for sec in exchange for the spend and that did not rub me right. This eventually carried forward into other issues tied to his affections and expectations of me which resulted in us no longer being friends.
We reconnected in 2022 where he apologized and explained more why he did what he did. My boyfriend asked if I was sure I wanted to welcome him back into my life and that he would trust my judgement if I choose to, which I did. Ashley and I stopped being friends back in 2017 because we had planned a trip for us and our partners. She stated she would use her buddy passes since she was a flight attendant to make the ticket costs cheaper.
The week before the trip it becomes I cannot bring my boyfriend. I was very confused by this. Severely confused by this so I asked why she said she didn’t feel comfortable with it. So I said okay. Don’t use your passes. We will pay for our trip and we can stay with his family. She said she still wanted me to stay with her. So I said okay. We will come, he stays with his family and I stay with you. We can all hang out and grab lunch and stuff and him and I go on dates and such.
Then she explicitly states the trip will not happen if I take him with me. Then she tries to turn it into a trip with people we have not seen from high school to recreate a sleepover we had in the 8th grade that got ruined by our parents. (That’s another story. I will add here my mom does not like Ashley never has) in the end it was all just too much and I decided that I no longer wanted to be friends with her because what she was doing was messed up especially so close to the trip. This on top of all the on and off issues I had with her through the duration of high school just didn’t seem worth it to take into adulthood.
Now 2023 Ashley reached out and apologizes. I was very torn up about the decision but after speaking with my therapist and weighing the risks decided it couldn’t hurt to try again. Both my gf and my bf were opposed to the decision but at the end of the day the choice was mine and I chose forgiveness.
Fall of 2023 my gf and I were planning a Christmas trip and Ashley said she didn’t get to see me while she was I my country because of the traumas she was dealing with with her mom so she would like to see me now. I told her I was going to fly out to spend the holiday with my gf so I didn’t think it would be possible. She stated she would see me in the time before I went to see my GF. I told her because of the trip I couldn’t afford it. She said that’s fine.
She would pay for the ticket for me to see her and I worked out an arrangement with my girlfriend where we would split the fair for the flights between all three locations and said her to do what happened the last time and I said yeah I can trust her. It doesn’t happen and that will be that. Lo and behold it does not happen because Ashley says to me two weeks before oh I overdid my shopping on Black Friday so I can’t buy your plane ticket. Ofc this makes me gf big mad and she says see I told you so. She was also confused why I was not upset. I explained that it wasn’t that I was not upset simply that it doesn’t really change much. I just won’t ask her for anything again. Which I haven’t and won’t.
Fast forward to spring 2024. The group is back together, we’re having weekly calls and our group chat chatting and having a blast. We decide we haven’t spent time as a group since 2017 so we should go see Aaron where he lives. I state very openly that I won’t be able to afford this trip. (Both Aaron and Ashley make a minimum of twice my income). Aaron says that’s fine I’ve got you covered. I question it and explain my hesitances because of both past situations. He said that’s fine don’t worry. I said okay. Let’s do this. The trip is slated for now (may 2024) and encompassed Ashley’s birthday.
A lot of things start happening in Aaron’s life and the ticket purchase gets repeatedly pushed off. This starts to make Ashley antsy so she buys her ticket hoping it pushes Aaron’s to buy my ticket. It does not. In moment of anxiety Ashley starts booking airbnbs for her self and asking how much I trust Aaron to follow through. I assure her that I do trust him follow through which I did. Because outside of the one trip he hasn’t not come through when I needed him too. I also stated at worst I end up buying my own ticket but I need to see what my expenses will look like in the end.
We are down to the wire my ticket is not bought so I start adjusting my bills. In the end I am not able to afford the ticket because even after short paying my bills I was left with roughly $120 which isn’t enough to book a flight or an airbnb for a week.
I told Ashley I would still try to figure it out and reached out to Aaron once more. He said yeah he has the money now but it doesn’t feel like a good time. The energy is off and he wouldn’t want me to come and something bad happens. I agree because what else would I do? It’s not my money nor does he actually owe me anything.
Ashley reaches out because I forgot to get back to her. To confirm The plan and I explain that I won’t be able to come because I really can’t afford it and it doesn’t make sense for me to put myself in a situation to be in a strange country with no emergency funds.
Ashley decides my friendship with her will fully change and she won’t take my word for anything again because I didn’t come to avoid having a bad trip not taking her feelings into consideration.
In the midst of this I start feeling anger towards both of them because Aaron didn’t come through as promised and Ashley has written me off over choosing responsibilities. My boyfriend said to speak to both of them and express what I am feeling to see what happens. I was able to resolve things with Aaron and come to a mutual understanding. However when I reached out to Ashley, she said she is on a high and doesn’t want to deal with this right now. She is making new friends and would like to clarify that I am no longer her best friend. She will listen to me when I talk but that’s about it. In my eyes that is a therapist not a friend and I already pay someone for that.
Am I wrong if I decide I don’t want to fix things with Ashley? Is she right for deciding I am not worthy of actual friendship?

Buckle up because this might turn into quite the ramble. I don't really have any friends to ask advice about this who aren't also friends with him, and won't immediately know who I'm talking about.
For context, I've identified as a lesbian for the past few years and never really questioned that because I'd never experienced sexual or romantic attraction towards a man. My best friend has joked in the past that he used to have a crush on me when we first started getting to know one another online, but I was never under the impression that that was anything more than a harmless crush. I didn't, and still don't, think he actually had real feelings towards me.
As of September last year, we started living together in a flat with four other people and have grown closer as friends ever since. We frequently call when we're apart for long periods of time and he's quickly become someone I completely trust and feel comfortable around. We have the same sense of humour, watch a lot of the same shows, and listen to similar music, and we barely go on nights out without each other.
We've kissed on nights out before, either after a few drinks or if we're avoiding creeps, but I've never thought of him as anything more than a friend, and it's never been anything more than drunken shenanigans.
The change began a few weeks ago. After a night out and possibly one too many shots of tequila, we ended up kissing in my bed, half naked, for a good few hours and then cuddling to watch a TV show. Despite a tiny bit of awkwardness on my part the next morning, we quickly returned to our normal friendship and even made jokes about the prior night. Including joking about me having to wear a turtleneck that day to hide the hickeys he'd left. After that first time, I was convinced it was nothing but a drunken mistake on both our parts and didn't think I had (or perhaps didn't admit that I had) desire to repeat the act, although I admitted then that I didn't not enjoy it. He's a good kisser and somehow knows exactly what to do to turn me on.
At this point... you can probably guess that the act was, in fact, repeated the very next night after another trip to the bar. Nothing happened past a heated makeout session and some grinding against one abother but I found myself thinking about it way more than I would like to admit, after the fact. The things that he'd said and done stuck in my head. I'd never had that with any previous hook up but I put it down to the fact that I knew him better. All my previous hook ups were with strangers that I'd met on the night. I thought the perhaps I could only really enjoy it if it was with someone I already had a connection with, romantic or not. I thought that perhaps I was capable of sexual attraction towards men, after all, just not romantic.
The fact that he's a man aside, he's still not even close to my usual type. He's good looking, I'll give him that. But I usually go for people taller than me who are more introverted. He's neither. We've talked about it since, and him being trans masculine, he's said that he does identify as being partially non-binary. So I guess it's a gray area as to what the heck my sexuality is. But I'm not used to feeling this way towards very masculine presenting people. I think I might not be as exclusively into women and non binary people as I'd thought.
After the second time, we pretty much agreed to be friends with benefits. I didn't want anything in our friendship to change into something more romantic, I just wanted those nights in my bed.
It ended up happening once more the next week, but due to me being on my period, we didn't really go much further than we had aside from taking off more clothes.
We still talked to, kissed, and hooked up with other people. And I was more than content with this, until a few days ago.
After a night out with a guy he'd been talking to, my best friend came in my room the next morning to tell me that they were officially boyfriends now. I feel like I'm not justified in feeling caught off guard or jealous over this. But he didn't even acknowledge that this sudden exclusivity meant our arrangement was over. I hid any disappointment I felt, and acted happy for him, which I truly am, for the most part.
I still don't think I would want our relationship to change as I'm sure it would if we became romantically involved. I wouldn't want him being overly romantic with me in public or taking me on dates, but I miss what we had in private for those few weeks. And I can't help thinking about the way he could make me feel.
If I could get any advice, that would be amazing! I honestly don't know what to think, or how to interpret my own jealousy at this point. I have talked to a friend about it, but I never opened up about these feelings, I just said I completely saw him as a friend. As selfish as it is, I can't help but wish he and his boyfriend would break up or that they'd become non-exclusive. Please help!

It is a man, old and scraggy. He wears a jacket that lays over the red plaid button shirt and blue jeans. He wears an old baseball cap and a pair of glasses. He yelled something to Dad, holding his hands up like he was pleading, although we couldn’t hear it over the truck engine. They talked, but we couldn’t hear what they were saying.
“Hey, what are they saying”, I asked, while petting Matt’s hair, calming him. The old man then put his hands down and came close to Dad in a cautious way. They seem to start having some kind of conversation.
“I don’t really know, hopefully, something good”, Mom answered. They talked for a little while, with daylight beginning to disappear, giving us a sense of dread, and making me more worried about what weird creature was going to show up. Eventually, the old man turned and pointed toward what I think is the northeast. They then shook hands and walked back to their respective vehicles. “What’s going on”, Mom asked as Dad got into the truck.
“Well, our new friend here invited us to dinner at his farm”, Dad replied.
“Does he have supplies?”
“Well, he says has supplies for us to make the journey.”
“Should we even trust him? We just met h-”
“Relax, he’s just an old man, living alone at his farm, feeding his cows. What could go wrong”, Dad countered. The old man then entered the truck that was running and drove slowly, expecting us to follow him.
“Alrighty then, but we have to be cautious”, Mom said, with her suspicions of the old man. We then followed the old truck along the dark, frozen road. It just feels like something is going to show up along the road, but nothing happened. Matt did eventually stop crying, but he is still upset about the Joe escape thing.
“Where are we going”, Matt lamented, with the prior series of events in mind.
“I guess somebody is offering us dinner”, I answered.
“Why can’t we just go home?”
“It’s only going to be a stop, like a hotel. After that, we go to our new home, I guess”, I said, taking another look at Matt and cradling to comfort him. “It’s going to be okay.” I stared out into the darkness. I looked to the sky from the window and I faintly saw something in the clear, dark sky, lit up by the waning moon. They were brilliant, green auroras that defy the bright moon, dancing across the sky like ribbons in the wind. The truck eventually took a right-hand turn into another road, with us following suit. I can see a bright, orange light emerging from a patch of tree. When we passed by, it seemed it was a house, at a farm, burning in a massive flame.
“I guess those people aren’t so, uh, lucky”, Dad said, taking a quick look at it before looking at the road. Passing by, we went on and continued to follow the old man’s truck. We passed onto another intersection until he turned into a driveway to what I believe to be his farm. Going into the driveway, I can see an old house, along with a dilapidated farm further away, barely visible by the headlights. The old man parked by the house, where there were a few other trucks there. We parked alongside the truck and we got out into the cold, near-silent night.
“Welcome to sanctuary, where all are welcome”, the old man bellowed. This is the first time I’ve heard his voice. Matt was the last to get out of the truck, slowly and clumsily climbing out of the truck.
“What’s your name”, my Mom politely asked the old man.
“Oh, I guess your husband didn’t tell ya. My name is Steven, but you can call me Steve”, the old man said, with some crackling in his voice. “I am very proud to host a dinner for you and your family”, he continued. “What’s your name, ma’am?”
“Oh, my name is Janice”, Mom replied, quite pleased at his politeness.
“Hello, Janice, and what are their names”, Steven asked, pointing to me and Matt.
“That’s my daughter Kate and my son Matt”, Dad said to Mom.
“Oh, what wonderful names for a couple of beautiful children you have”, Steve grinned. “Come, it is dangerous out here.” We followed him to the house, which looked like it had seen better days. He entered through the double-set door, the first a solid door and a screen door behind. Entering the house, it smelled like what you’d expect, old man. Looking onto the floor is made of glossy wood and walls with cracks, likely caused by the earthquake. It is dark in there, lit by candlelight from many candles, yet it’s fairly warm here. I don’t know why we went into the house, but Dad was right, Steve is just a lonely, old man. Matter of fact, there seems to be nothing wrong here, other than the cracks in the walls. “Sorry, the power went out. Had to resort to the candles. I knew my wife would come in handy”, Steve explained as he took his coat off. “Oh, supper will be ready right away. Had to use the fireplace to cook. Also, can you take your boots off?” We took our boots and set them aside. We went into what seemed to be a living room, with dusty old-style furniture.
“So, where do we sit”, Mom asked.
“Oh, well, follow me”, Steve commanded, leading us to the dining room, with a long, wooden table and six wooden chairs, along with their corresponding old-fashioned plates, glasses and cutlery, lit up in the candlelight. We noticed that everything on the table was covered in a thin veil of dust. “My apologies, the recent shocks dropped a bit of dust on the table”, he explained as he noticed us looking at the plates and moved into another room nearby. “Take your seats if you like.” We all settled onto the chairs, and blew off our plates of the dust settled there.
“When will we eat”, Matt impatiently said.
“Once Steve comes out with the food”, Mom answered. Matt sat there with a tired look on his face. Dad seemed to be in a better mood than before and it looked like he wanted to start a conversation.
“Hey, should we talk about something”, Dad asked. I then see Steve with a bowl and a silver plate.
“Here we go, may not be much, but at least it’ll fulfil the soul”, Steve said, smiling when he served us mashed potatoes and meatloaf. “So, shall we pray?” That came unexpectedly, as we are not too religious, but we were in his house and gave us shelter and food.
“Sure, we can do that”, Mom said and we all bowed our heads and put our hands together. Steve cleared his throat
“Thank you, Lord, for this good food to feed the soul in these hard times. I shall pray, in the name of the Lord and Jesus Christ, that these hard times shall be over, so we can get on with our lives. Amen.” We raised our heads and grabbed whatever food there was onto our plates. “Oh, there’s no gravy, so we have to deal with bare potaters and meatloaf.”
“Oh, not to worry. Thank you for the food”, Dad thanked Steve. We began to eat the food once we got it sorted.
“So, what brings you here”, Steve asked.
“Well, there is an evacuation order in effect for this area, so we had to go to Regina”, Dad explained, with Steve taking in every word. “So, we came from Strasbourg, we tried going south towards Regina, but we hit an obstacle in the way and we had to take another route, leading us here.”
“And we encountered a few odd things along the way”, Mom added.
“Huh, interesting. What do you guys think is going on”, Steve inquired.
“By the things we saw, we have no idea. Dinosaurs, devil dogs, hell pigs, the whole deal. I shouldn’t forget the earthquake. They told us a pipeline leak caused by the earthquake”, Dad clarified to Steve.
“Hmm… is that so”, Steve wondered. “Wonder what I think is happening? The Rapture is happening. Do you know how the Bible tells us of the end times? Good people sent to be with God and his kingdom, the rest here to suffer the Hell unleashed by Satan.” By this point, he was beginning to rant, but we couldn't stop it as we all began to feel tired and powerless. “So, the Devil will send his demons in the form of these illusions so that they can torment the sinners. It is happening, it is-” Steve manically continued as I drew towards blackness and his voice becoming less coherent. My vision is now all black.
I saw those same lights, but more rapidly than before. I then emerged onto the same clear sky, but something felt different. I can smell something in the air. I can smell what seems to be chemicals in the air. Looking down, I was terrified. Dark, grey rock in the shape of ropes and folds, similar to those I saw of lava flows on a volcano in pictures. This went on as far as the eye could see. I can see no tree this time, just the cooled lava everywhere. I then walked, feeling every bump and crag. I thought I walked forever until I heard a rumbling sound and woke up.
I am in total darkness. It is cold and it smells like cow manure. I tried to move my hand, but it seemed to be bonded behind my back by a rope. I tried to move my feet, but they were also bound by rope to the legs I tried to speak, only to realise my mouth was agape by a cloth in my mouth. I heard shuffling nearby but I could not see. It was then shone in light when Steve entered the door, holding a candle, revealing all of us in the same situation. I then can see what we are in. We are in that same wooden dilapidated barn we saw earlier and seems to be more damaged than the house, wood creaking can be heard.
“These sedatives are more effective than I thought. Maybe I should use them more often”, Steve smoothly explained, like he’s some kind of agent and began pacing. “Wonder why you are here? Well, I wondered the same thing to myself, why didn’t God take me to his heaven? When I first heard of the government telling us of those evacuation plans, I thought it was that, a leaking pipe. I began to notice things I couldn’t believe myself, at least at first. Earthquakes, weird creatures showing up, people disappearing, the whole spiel. I connected the dots. The Rapture is happening, for sure, but why me? Why was I the one left here on this Earth”, Steve calmly ranted, pacing around the barn, but it seemed to sound crazier and angrier the more he paced. “I thought I had lost my way. I’ve been unfaithful to God and his son. But, I realised that God always has a plan and he left me on this Earth to serve a purpose. I wondered what my purpose was until I had a moment.” He then stopped in place and calmed down. He turned to look at Mom with accusing yet crazed eyes.
“I’m supposed to keep the sinners here in line, to earn a place in God’s kingdom, or suffer in Hell. I know you are a sweet woman, Janice, but your treachery with Satan is over and I am going to do what’s right.” Mom then looked at all of us, with assuring eyes like that of an innocent yet caring mother we all know knew. I began crying and trying to speak through the cloth, but I was helpless to watch by. “Forgive me, Father, for what I am going to do.” He then pulled a knife from his pocket and plunged it into Mom’s neck with no mercy. I looked away once he did that, trembling, with tears pouring out and my vision glazed and I fell limp. I could see my brother tearing up, but he did not look away. I can hear Dad behind me, with his screams of agony and anger covered by the cloth. It felt like I was in slow motion, taking in every moment.
I then heard the chair, screeching as Steve dragged the chair containing Mom’s lifeless body towards the door, leaving behind a trail of blood. I couldn’t bear to see my mother like this. I shut my eyes very hard and hoped it would go away. The door then shut, leaving us alone with a candle, fearing what would come next. I stared at the candle, seeing it dance in the flames like a woman dancing in the darkness. Is this how it’ll end, I thought. End up dying to this sick man? My Mom was killed in front of me. I sobbed with that thought, then I began to think about the inevitable death of me. I hope there’s something after I die. Maybe I’ll see Mom again.
It was silent for a while, nearly no sound other than our moans. Dad seems to be fidgeting at the back of his chair, rocking it slowly. Looking past him, I shuddered at the glistening pool of blood, where Mom was last alive, could be my fate. I then see Dad release his arms from the back of the chair and remove the cloth from his mouth. He silently stood up and bent down to untie his legs from the chair legs. He then went to me and removed my cloth.
“H-h-how did you do that”, I silently wept, fearing that Steve would show up at the door and kill us all.
“My binding is loose. The old man probably took a liking to me”, Dad whispered. “I should remove your binds.” He untied them, releasing me, doing the same for Matt. “Now, we need to be quiet.” We then walked, quietly, along the painfully creaking wood in the near dark, following the blood trail, glistening in the candlelight. We cringed and dreaded each sound we made and watched the door in case it began to creak open. A few silent steps later, we made it to the door and we slowly opened it so as not to make any noise. What was revealed to us is nothing new, other than the blood trail continuing in the snow directing towards the back of the barn. “Okay, Kate, Matt, you guys run to the truck.”
“What about you”, I sobbed.
“Don’t worry about me”, Dad responded, giving me his keys and forcing them into my hand. “If I’m not back in a few minutes, leave. Don’t look back, take care of your brother, okay? I love you, no matter what happens.” He then kissed me on the head and ran to follow the blood trail. We quickly walked towards the black truck, stranded there for maybe hours. Getting closer, freedom is getting closer. When we got to a fair distance to the truck, I heard footsteps behind me and, the next thing I knew, I was knocked over to the ground into the hard snow on my face. A hand turned me over to give me a glimpse of a crazed Steve, his eyes wilder than before.
“Oh, yes, trying to escape”, he bragged. I looked at him, frozen in fear, like a deer in headlights and he caressed my face with his bloodied blade. “You do have a pretty face, but I’m afraid you are just one of Satan's creations, made to pull me to lust.” He then raised his knife in the air when a familiar side emerged, out of the blue.
Joe came and bit him in the arm that was holding the knife. Steve screamed in agony the moment he realised what happened. He shook Joe off and stood up to stand his ground. I stood up as Joe hissed and walked around the crazed being he wounded, not in fear but in aggressiveness. “Is this one of your pets, demon”, Steve screamed as Joe came in for another attack, but Steve countered that with a slash to the snout. Joe then ran away, whining, into the darkness. This sequence of events gave me the chance to enter the truck on the driver’s side. I had some trouble starting it, besides this is my first time driving a truck.
Steve menacelily walked towards the when Dad came barreling and tackled him to the ground. Dad was on top when he went limp. I finally put the keys in the engine turned it on and backed out, with memory serving me the instructions on such a vehicle. Steve pushed Dad’s body and stood up, but by that time, we left the farm.
“Turn back, we have to get Dad”, Matt cried, but I was very emotional, accepting what happened. I felt that, without my parents, I feel… useless.
“Dad’s dead”, I screamed at Matt and he began gagging uncontrollably in tears. I began to feel sorry for him. “Sorry, I, I don’t know.”
“It’s okay”, Matt sniffled. “I guess Mom and Dad are dead anyways.” It was silence for a few more minutes, tears welling in our eyes.
“Hey, our parents are in a better place”, I said, trying to make the situation positive.
“But we are stuck here, without them? Don’t we deserve to go to a better place?”
“Don’t say that”, I huffed and I paused for a bit. “I know we are in the, uh, right place now. Let me tell you something, once we get to Regina, I will take care of you, no matter what life throws at us.”
“What about Joe”, Matt asked.
“He’ll be fine. He probably found his girlfriend already.”
“Hey, don’t you have a boyfriend?”
“I, uh, I don’t have one. That I know of”, I spoke, bringing me back to Sam, remembering that she’s the only friend that I ever knew, and I left her. Without her, I felt alone, no one would ever relate. I began to tear up. “I don’t have any friends. I am alone,” I sobbed.
“What do you mean? I’m your brother!” I looked at Matt, and smiled, happy that he acknowledged that we were in this together.
“Thank you”, I thanked him. I slowly stopped on the road, just to hug Matt hard, crying my eyes out. We then heard what sounded like an elephant in front of us. We looked up to see a walking snow-covered brown fur wall with four pillar-like legs in front of us. Its curved tusks gleaned in the light and the eyes reflected in the light. The furry trunk waved around like a searching snake from a tree. We both knew what it was.
“Hey, look at that, a woolly mammoth”, Matt said, excitement running through him. At this point, we weren’t surprised.
“Yep, that is a woolly mammoth”, I added. The mammoth turned to us on the road, seemingly confused about where it was. It looked at our truck and seemed to growl, like an elephant. We are starting to realise this thing is becoming aggressive.
“Uh, should we move”, Matt asked. I remembered hearing something about standing your ground in case of an encounter with an elephant. I hoped it would work for a bigger, furrier version of one.
“No, we have to stand our ground.”
“But, it’ll attack u-”
“Trust me!” I then honked my horn and it backed up. It then rushed, then stopped, a mock charge. Eventually, it moved out of the road, disappearing into the darkness. We sighed in relief.
“That was close”, Matt sighed. I then continued to drive in the night, headlights leading the way. The road is bumpy, as noticed by every ditch and peak we hit, but surprisingly, Matt was fast asleep. I began to get comfortable driving and used to the road by that point. It was silent for a while until we hit a smaller intersection. That is when the truck shut down, completely and stopped. I tried the gas many times but with no effect. There is no light, nothing. It is near-darkness here, shone only by the moonlight.
“Shit”, I yelled, desperate to turn the truck on without much success. Matt woke up, confused.
“What happened”, he yawned.
“The truck turned itself off. I can’t get it back on”, I fretted and at that moment, Matt was just as panicked as I am.
“Why?”
“I-I don’t know. One moment, we were driving, another it just-”, I quavered, when I heard something rustle in the distance. We stood still, hoping whatever it was didn’t find us. I looked around, hoping to see something in the moonlight. I then see a long, walking animal. It looked like some sort of alligator at first, except for a dinosaur-like head. Once I strained my eyes to the darkness, my fear levels rose as I could see it walk on its hind limbs, with its forelimbs dangling nearly touching the ground.
It was wandering around on the road when I heard a near-crocodilian growl at Matt’s side of the truck. Another of those creatures appeared, seemingly looking into the window like a hungry bear, giving us a chance to see its scaly head. Its exposed alligator teeth gleaned in the light like knives, but more terrifying was the eye. Its serpentine pupil shone brilliantly in the light like eyes in the dark. It then ducked down, gave a hiss, and moved towards the other one. A few more showed up and formed a group.
“What should we do”, Matt asked. “Should we stay?” I looked around, hoping for another way to escape them without them noticing. I further strained my eyes and mentally mapped out the area. There is a cemetery on my right-hand side, a grain bin storage yard on my left and a series of trailers on the other side of the highway, which is ahead of us, from the storage area. There, I see a series of white, storage buildings, something we can go to and wait it out inside.
“Okay, so slowly open the door”, I instructed Matt. The click of the doors opening cringed us. We looked at the group, but there was no response from them. We then, as slowly as we could, opened the door and stepped out. Still no response. Matt then quietly ran to the other side, towards me. “Okay, we are going into the storage yard and go to the other entrance”, I said, pointing to the other right-hand corner. I wanted to get as far away from these things as possible before making a safe crossing. “Then, we cross the highway on the other side, run into the buildings and stay there for the night. Are you ready?”
“I guess”, he whispered, looking at me in fearful doubt.
“We are going to do this”, I whispered back. We then silently ran over, having to rely on our night-adapted eyes, to the corner, walking past the bins. We made it and nothing behind us so far. “We’re good so far.” We then crossed the road and noticed nothing. We noticed a tanker truck, leaking some sort of fluid across the road. I easily recognized it as fuel, based on its distinctive, sickly smell. I wouldn’t be worried about it if it weren’t for a collapsed light pole that is somehow still flickering with electricity near the area where the fuel would be flowing. We quickly avoided the fluid when I froze to see the group of the walking alligators, running towards us. “Run!” Matt tried to run, but one of those things appeared and clamped its jaws at the back of his neck. He yelped in pain and it took him down to the ground. “Matt”, I yelled, helplessly watching as the creature tore into him.
Matt reached out his arm before the others came to him, then a flash of fire came. At this point, I knew what happened, but I couldn’t even think before it exploded. It blew me towards the building, far away. I was knocked out for a few seconds before I regained consciousness, groaning in pain on the ice. I noticed something especially painful just below my chest. I reached towards the area with my hand. I pressed on it, more painful than ever and raised my hand, only to see blood, brightened by the fire. I realised I was wounded, maybe by shrapnel made by the explosion.
I looked toward where the truck was and all I saw was a blaze. Those things weren’t there, at least. I also noticed something else, too, there’s no Matt. I tried to look around for something, some sort of sign of my brother within the fire, but I saw none. I then wept, realising I had failed. I have failed to keep him safe. I have failed to give him a better life. I failed him as a sister. I could’ve done better. The thoughts poured in as tears glazed my eyes. At that moment, I failed to look around me.
I noticed a dark thing beside the blaze. I thought it was Matt, preparing to greet him back, even though I knew he couldn’t survive the explosion. The image became clearer and clearer as I noticed it was one of the walking crocs that, glazed by the fire, was coming towards me.
“Just kill me”, I screamed, preparing to painfully die to meet my maker. The creature was about to attack me when something large, silent as the wind, came charging and clamped down its massive jaws, filled with conical teeth on the hapless creature and raised it. The crocodile struggled before going limp with a crunch within its strong jaws. The big, dark and scaly monster that it is towered over me and is as long as a bus, possibly longer. Its large legs are a contradiction to its small arms that hide beneath its scarred, bulky body.
It turned to look at me with an oddly bird-like expression, revealing in the firelight numerous scars from battles I could never know and looked at me with its beady bird-like eyes, breathing out wisps from its nostrils like a dragon in the cool air. I recognized it as a creature I know too well, a T. Rex. I breathed heavily and sickly, looking at the thing, nearly expecting me to drop the body and go after me. Instead, it simply walked away, carrying its bloody prize with it, and steadily retreated into the darkness.
I then lay down in agonizing exhaustion on my back, thinking of the next step of action like I'm on a suicide mission I would never come back from. I looked in the direction of the graveyard and had one thought. I guess I am dying. a graveyard will do. I struggled to stand up, noticing my blood-soaked clothes and felt a broken left leg. I grasped my wound, limping step by step and enduring the sharp pain while shaking in the cold. Every step I took, I remembered all the memories, good or bad, that I had with my parents. My brother. My friends. My family. I eventually reached the cemetery and slouched at a tree.
“Guess I’m joining you, guys”, I said, speaking to the snow-covered gravestones, only to hear something. A familiar sound of chirping emerged and, lit by the blaze, it was a sight I can hope for. “Joe, what are you doing here”, I depressingly cheered as Joe went to me and curled up in my lap as if he were a cat. I noticed the new-found scar he had on his little snout, but I paid no mind as I petted him. “I guess you came back. Thank you so much for what you did”, I thanked him, not expecting such a loyal creature would be with me, comforting me, to the end, like what my mother used to do when I was a newborn. I heard another noise, this time a deep rumble.
I thought it was another earthquake coming, but it got louder the closer it got to me, becoming more animalistic only felt small vibrations I barely felt. Joe stayed put, oddly enough, as T. Rex, different from the first one, came. It walked towards us until it stopped short of us. It began to produce a low-pitched, bird-like purring, attracting Joe. I realised something, that this T. Rex is Joe’s parent. He joined the rest like him, whom they showed up and all chirped around.
The grown Rex then brought its snout closer to me, not to kill me, but to look at me. It did not reveal its teeth and was still purring. I put my hand out and its nose came close to it. It rubbed it against my hand and started to pet its cold, scaly skin as it breathed through its nose and put it on my chest. I rested my head on it before it pulled away. It gave out a hiss, but I knew it wasn’t that of a threat, but more of a thank you for bringing its small, sometimes immature, child home.
That gave me relief, as it felt like I at least did something for once. They walked away, along with Joe, towards the darkness amongst the gravestones in the cemetery. I glimpsed one last desperate look at Joe before walking beside his parent. I looked up at the sky and I could see all the stars, twinkling, and the dancing green auroras. I began to feel limp and felt the cold embrace of death coming over me, tears pouring out of my eyes. The sky then grew brighter and brighter, the stars faded into the light and I could see my family welcoming me to a new home. It then slowly went black, darker than a cave.
You would think this is the end of me. It wasn’t, or else I wouldn’t be writing this right now. I eventually woke up in a hospital in Regina. I was told I was rescued by a team that transported me while I was in a coma. The doctors said I was very lucky to be alive, as the shrapnel narrowly avoided my vital organs. After that, I was adopted into a new family, but I was only with them for a couple of years before finding a new job and moving out.
As for Sam, I don’t know what happened to her. I would like to think she is safe, somewhere else. As for my family, I think of them all the time. I was in a depressive period right after that. Eventually, over the years, I accepted that they were gone and went to a better place. For Joe, I would like to think he is all grown up, like his parents, and becoming the king of the jungle. I hope we meet again.
As for the evacuated area, it wasn’t some pipeline rupture that caused an evaluation, but an anomaly, with the exact reason not known. There are excuses for the claims of weird stuff going on in there, from disease to chemicals, to eventually a previously unknown geological event, but I saw through it all.
You may ask how, it's because I've been there. Take it or leave it, this is the story I have. As the decade came by, cover-ups were made to hide it, even walls were put around it. Since the incident, the exclusion zone grew from a mere 80 kilometers in diameter to 460 kilometers in diameter, emptying entire cities of the likes of Regina and Saskatoon. I had to move to North Battleford, by the recommendation from the same government covering it up, making me think that time will tell before the floodgates of truth open.
The anomaly didn’t have a name initially, however, over the years, everyone agreed on one name in particular: The Saskatchewan Anomaly.

tldr: I like myself, but I need to love myself with the same intensity that I love others.
I'm not very good at naming my own emotions, but I can intellectualise the situation without realising that I'm even experiencing it because I have a total disconnect between my brain and my body. I experience echolalia and unintentionally mirror others and sometimes intentionally without realising that everyone does it to a certain extent. I hate being told what to do and how to feel, especially regarding the trauma I and those around me experienced. I find myself infatuated with specific subjects that are artistic, so much so that I can't control my emotions when I experience them, or witness others experience them and resonate. I hate feeling as though my efforts aren't appreciated. I hate when people don't think about the literal words I say and then make assumptions that they don't understand.
I enjoy performing, i enjoy having a script, I like knowing in advance in what i could talk to them about - because i don't trust myself enough. I like to evoke emotions in people but often in the wrong way because i don't know how to express my suffering or my true self, because it was always deemed inappropriate.
I've never spoken about my trauma to anyone in any meaningful way or my relationship with my trauma because it's so painful. I tried once with someone I considered a best friend and he told me that it was the most open id ever been with HIM about it - which i believed i shared every secret with him - until i realised i never had at all. I wish i could redo our friendship and say "wait a second, can we talk about this?". I really just trauma dumped on him - and he listened. I'm just totally unsure of whether he truly believed me in the things that mattered the most to me, which was my love. I'm not even sure whether I'm just speaking into the void being laughed at, but i enjoy my time as being the first female courts jester that won over my king with my wit. I guess i enjoy living in a fantasy world where i could be marie antoinette, too.
It's interesting because i never bothered to question whether i ever truly believed i was worth being "queen" and it was always theoretical.
I'm not sure what i'm doing and I've finally just admitted it to myself. i have intelligent ideas sometimes - but that's all they are. ideas.
but i do love people, i am glad i met my last bestfriend, im not sure if we'll ever be friends again or if we truly were to begin with - but fuck i loved him so much. I'm tired of people trying to imply it was a trauma bond when it still feels so real in my gut to me. you truly do not know him like i do, or thought i did. I'm not sure. I have to please myself, in ways that feel comfortable to me while centring my own needs, while taking into account boundaries and needs from me as someone that loves them.
I'm checking myself back into hospital for my physical health, because there's something wrong, there always has been, its just that i felt people didnt believe me.
I've realised there's people that do, because they know me so well that they can all vouch that this is different. this is a more hopeful 54, with ideas for side hustles and i appreciate whoever did do that for me. thank you for knowing me so intimately, whoever you are. i hope i see you around, ill trust what you've always promised and that others trust in, that you'll be back - or maybe you wont.
You already sang the song I wouldve chosen for you, just because i was out of it doesnt mean it wasnt the most meaningful thing anyone has ever done for me.Ever realise that neither of us ever spoke of him? i want mine to surprise you, because even if you dont see it, someone else will and will appreciate it for what it is.
if you want the answer, listen to stomachaches by frnkiero and the cellabration because its my favourite album. every single answer was right there in front of me the entire time.
i thought i found the perfect hybrid of my favourite aries and my favourite scorpio, and maybe i did - but maybe he was the 4th artist of my life. but i love him so much anyway. because no one knows me like whoever is watching over me. whoever loves me that much worked in their own mysterious ways and played the same game i was taught - but something tells me we did not beat each other, i think we challenged eachother.

I had a dream. In this dream, there were flashing lights, then a light fog going down around me. I emerged to see a lush forest. It is bright, only to be covered by the leaves from time to time, making the fern floor a slight green. There are drops of water falling from the trees on occasion like so much. The only thing missing is the sense of touch and smell. I heard something rustling from the bushes. Turning around, I woke up.
Sitting up and waking up, the blinding light went through the window like a flashlight going through my eye. I became irritated once the blinding migraines came right after. A loud series of knocks all at my door to my right.
“Hey, Kate, do you want pancakes”, the sweet voice of my mother loudly asked. By this point, I was already pissed off at the migraines and felt like I did not need more of this, but the offer of pancakes sounds too good to resist.
“Yes, coming”, I said. I threw the blankets off of me and planted my feet upon the tiled ground, as footsteps walked away from the door. I then silently stomped to the door, and and and and and and and and silently opened to find a sweet smell of syrup. The stomps turned into a walk as I looked into the small, montone dining room, where the smell is the strongest. Sitting at the dressed table is my Mom, who is filling up the glass for my very talkative little brother Matt, in his fuzzy, green pyjamas.
“Hey, there’s Katy”, Matt exclaimed. Slight annoyance welled up in me, because of his bratty voice. I gulped down my slight hatred for my brother and sat beside my mother. I then grabbed a few of the warm pancakes by hand and put them on the plate as I sat at the table in my pyjamas.
“Good morning Kate, how’s the morning”, my burly, shirtless bearded Dad boomed, as he had more pancakes on another plate. “So, you woke up for the pancakes, didn't ya”, he joked.
“Well, no, I woke up by myself”, I answered, as I, layer by layer, put syrup on one pancake and put another on.
“How? An alarm?”
“Uh, the sun. Duh." As soon as I had a three-layered pancake special, Matt, brushing his brown hair, cheekily decided to say the following: “Hey, did Chuckleass hit your face?”
My Dad began to laugh but wasn’t impressed, so she scolded him. “Matt! Don’t ever say that, especially to your sister!” I was thankful my Mom was there, while Dad was not helping. Finally, the laughing fit that was my Dad is over.
“No, really, listen to Mom. That was disrespectful of you,” Dad said as he gave a wink to my brother.
“Really? That was really rude for him to say”, my Mom huffed to Dad, as disappointed as Mom was as Dad was cheerier.
“At least it is funny”, he exclaimed. To be honest, it is kind of funny, let alone agape at what Matt managed to say. Even Mom gave my Dad a smirk, who calmed down. We ate breakfast after that and I was full after the first two pancakes. I became tired and went back to bed. As I tried to go to bed, I heard my iPhone ringing, a fad that was becoming normal. I looked at the screen and it was my friend Sam.
“Hey, I was trying to sleep here,” I grumbled.
“But that doesn't mean I don’t get to talk to my best friend. Can we meet at the school”, she said, being persistent about it. I mean, couldn’t we just meet when school is tomorrow?
“Fine, I’ll be there in half an hour”, I replied. Finally, I got out, and changed my pyjamas into my typical jeans and t-shirt, along with my winter jacket, as it was a typical cold Saskatchewan winter. I told Mom and Dad that I’d be going to meet Sam. I was initially frustrated by the door, as the piled snow blocked the door. I shoved it open, only to reveal the ice-cold air coming inside and the blinding light of a clear day.
Snow covered everything. Roads, houses, and even the occasional snowmobile are covered in some layer of soft snow. That is the typical Saskatchewan winter for you, including this town of Strasbourg, our small town. Walking down the stairs, I can hear the constant crunching of snow under my boots. Walking down the streets, I wonder why I am doing this. Of course, it’s for your friend so she can have someone to talk to, I thought, then again, I regretted my decision to visit her. I could’ve told her that I couldn’t come because of sleep. Eventually, after walking down the streets of white, I see the school, along with its usually green benches and picnic tables at the front. Sitting on one of the benches sits a winter-clothed figure. A figure I recognize.
“Hello”, Sam exclaimed.
“Hey there Sam. How’s the job at the convenience store”, I asked.
“Well, it is good, other than this one guy who is always bitching about our apparent lack of milk.”
“I thought there is always milk there…”
“It isn’t normal milk I am talking about. I am talking about almond milk. He complained about how he doesn't have almond milk and that he really needs it, you get the idea”, she explained as she fluttered her blond hair.
“I guess. I mean, all he wants is almond milk. No harm done here.”
“But he should’ve gone to another store. Instead, he stayed. I even, ARRG, I just can’t. How does someone handle these types of people?” She then took out a cigarette and lit it with her lighter. “You know, I wish I could get away from here and just live in Regina. Just live a normal life.”
“I mean, it is pretty normal here. Nothing too crazy at least. I have heard a lot of crazy stuff in Regina.”
“What crazy stuff?”
“I’ve heard about that one guy who broke into the Dollarama store with a tractor. Broke in just to get a pack of hot dogs.”
“That just sounds made up. How do you know?”
“Got it from my Dad. He’s a cashier now.”
“What happened to being a security guard?”
“Better pay. It is-” At first, I didn’t notice. It was a soft shaking at first, so I assumed it was the train passing by. It became stronger.
“Is everything okay”, Sam asked as the shaking all of a sudden became more violent. So violent we can barely stand. We fell into the cold snow and the shaking continued. It continued for a few more minutes. At this time, it felt like the world was ending. I could hear glass breaking, and wood falling on the road, I was scared. With my face on the cold ground, I could hear the hum of the earth, shaking. Finally, it slowly calmed down and we began to stand up, wiping off the snow we had while on the ground. “What the hell is that?”
“I think that was an earthquake. But, why”, I said, stuttering over my own words in confusion. It shook me up, literally and mentally. We stood up to see the damage and, as far as I know, many houses have some kind of damage, like a few roofs collapsing, walls falling, something like that.
“Well, looks to be a bad one”, Sam said, still perplexed but scared as I am.
“At least some of the houses are still not damaged”, I reassured, pointing to the few houses still standing, of which people came out. Some ran towards the damaged houses while others looked in confusion. A few more came out of the damaged ones, seemingly unharmed.
“Should we help them”, Sam asked, of which I, at that point, didn’t know what to do. A thought then went through my mind about my parents.
“I have to go back.”
“Back where?”
“To see if my parents are okay.” We said our goodbyes and I ran on the road. I saw a few police cars sitting beside houses, even fire trucks. The police and firemen are just as confused as everyone else. It seems the damage was widespread, but not as bad as I thought it would be. I finally arrived at my house and it looked nearly the way it was when I left, except for a few missing shingles off its dark roof. I wanted to go inside. What prevented me, at least at first, was the damage that might be inside. What if they are hurt? They’ll die if you do nothing. Those thoughts dreaded me throughout. I knew my Mom and Dad were in there, I knew I might get hurt. Do I wait for the firefighters to come or do I go in? I simply stood there, out in the cold. A final thought came in to make my decision: fine, I’ll do it anyway. Shouldn’t be too bad, is it?
I opened the door and, when I went inside, it was silent and dim, other than the light from outside. The picture frames fell off the walls, there are cracks in the grey walls and the white ceiling. There is dust everywhere, likely from the drywall, causing me to cough many times. I tried to look but it was dark. “Hello”, I hollered. I got a response.
“Hello”, the concerned but deep voice of my Dad responded. A blinding light came from the kitchen and shone on my face. “Kate? What are you doing here?”
“I am just worried you guys are hurt”, I remarked.
“Hurt? I nearly died”, Dad crowed sarcastically.
“We are okay. We are under the table”, my Mom said with reassurance.
“This is so cool”, Matt cheered. I thought oh, at least they’re alive. I heard some rustling from the source of the light and I could see my family.
“Are you okay”, Mom asked.
“No, I’m okay. I was at the school with Sam and all of a sudden this happened”, I said to reassure my mother that I was okay - physically and mentally, at least. I then heard sirens just behind me on the road. It’s the police.
“Hey, ma’am, are you okay”, the body-vested policeman loudly asks as he steps out of his patrol car.
“Yeah, I’m fine, my family is in the house”, I replied. The policeman ran towards me and stepped in front of me. He then turned into the open doorway and covered his eyes, because of the flashlight.
“Hey, is anyone there?”
“Yeah, we’re okay”, my Dad responded.
“Okay, this house is not safe to stay in. Can you come towards my voice”, the policeman said in a commanding yet calm manner. The light turned off and footsteps came slowly towards the door. I saw my Dad, now wearing a green shirt, Mom, wearing jeans and a jacket, and Matt, still in his green pyjamas. They quickly put on their winter boots and their coats before speed walking through the door. The policeman then took one last look with his flashlight in there. “Anyone else in there?”
“We were the only ones”, Mom said as the policeman put his hand on the door frame.
“Did any of you get hurt”, the policeman asked. They shook their heads.
“Well, maybe my opinion on this town. Maybe a documentary”, Dad joked, but no one seems to be into his jokes now. The firemen then arrived a few moments later and offered us blankets.
“Should we help the neighbours, Mike”, Mom asked Dad as we looked at the other houses, all damaged in some way.
“I guess. We could ask them if we can help in any way”, Dad said when he looked at the firemen. “I mean, we’ll be in their way.” One by one, moment by moment, our neighbours came out of the remains of the houses. Luckily, it seems everyone is okay, minus a few injuries. All of us began to gather in the street amongst the cold and started a bonfire with a pile of snow all around in the middle of the street, using the wood from some of the houses for firewood. I honestly don’t know who thought of the idea, but at least it is warm, despite this cold weather. Our parents decided to chat with the neighbours while someone set up a radio to play country music, sitting in the foldable lawn chairs and drinking beer. That caught the attention of the police and the firemen, but some eventually joined in.
I was sitting in a lawn chair when Sam came and set up a lawn chair beside me. “Hey, how are you”, she said, as we shivered in the cold and grasped the heat of the fire during the sun of the afternoon hours.
“I’m fine. The parents are fine. Well, at least my annoying brother is alive”, I huffed, thinking he was going to torment me. Sam looked at me with an expression of inquisitiveness. “What?”
“I mean, that’s what brothers are for. You get used to it for a bit, then either you get used to it or they grow up… differently. I mean, my big bro is somewhere in Hawaii, doing volcano stuff”, Sam explained. “What I’m saying is, they are necessary in life. You may not have fun with them, but they can save you one day.”
“Well, Matt isn’t saving me now”, I rebuked. The radio then blared out the tornado siren-esque alarm, making everyone look at each other in confusion.
“Well, just about time”, one man said. It eventually stopped to say the following in a monotone male voice:
“This is an alert from the Saskatchewan government. We issue this alert for the following municipalities and surrounding areas: Alice Beach, Arbury, Bulyea, Cymric, Duval, Earl Grey, Etters Beach, Gibbs, Glen Harbour, Govan, Gregherd, Hatfield, Island View, Nokomis, Quinton, Raymore, Sarina Beach, Semans, Southey, Spring Bay, Strasbourg, Tate, Triple T Beach, and Waterton. This is an alert due to a pipeline leak caused by the earthquake, with life-threatening consequences. Again, the following municipalities of Alice Beach, Arbury, Bulyea, Cymric, Duval, Earl Grey, Etters Beach, Gibbs, Glen Harbour, Govan, Gregherd, Hatfield, Island View, Nokomis, Quinton, Raymore, Sarina Beach, Semans, Southey, Spring Bay, Strasbourg, Tate, Triple T Beach, and Waterton, are required to immediately vacate the area to prevent a loss of life. Stay safe.”
“Is this a joke? A pipeline leak”, another person asked.
“A whole area for a broken pipeline”, another suggested. Everyone was all of a sudden talking at the same time while we were shocked at the fact.
“A pipeline? Leaking? Why such a large area for a leak”, Sam asked.
“I have no idea”, I said, confused as to the events happening. I saw some people arguing with the policemen, but I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying over the talking of the others. Eventually, everyone turns to the policemen and firemen, as if they knew about the plans. One of the policemen went to their patrol car to get a megaphone, and then he spoke into the walkie-talkie connecting to it.
“Hey, everyone calm down”, he bellowed and most gave their attention to him. “My name is Russel Simmons, and I am the chief of this department here. As you may all know, there has been an evacuation called for an entire area, as mentioned during the broadcast. t. I did not know this beforehand, just like every one of you. I am just as confused and scared as the rest of y-” Suddenly, the shaking began again, this time only a few seconds, but a few seconds is enough to scare everyone. “Stay calm! Everyone stay calm”, the chief begged the panicking people. Slowly but surely, everyone calmed down. “We can get through this. Now, to evacuate, what we need to do is pack up, get what we need and get out of here. Meet with us at the Tempo gas station to get fuel, if necessary. After that, we will go south to Regina, where we’ll be staying.”
“What about the stuff in our houses”, a woman asked.
“For that, we can’t go into the houses. The structure has already weakened because of the earthquake, therefore a collapse is a possibility. We cannot risk a life here, so we can’t”, Russel explained.
“My house looks fine, why can’t I go in”, an older man asked.
“Like I said, sir, the houses are at risk of collapsing.”
“What about the water? We can’t just leave it around in our houses. We need that”, a younger man said.
“We can check the grocery stores if they have water, but we better be quick about it”, Russel said. Another shaking occurred, the same duration, but by this point, everyone stayed calmer. Dad then met up with us.
“It is time to go”, Dad suggested. “We have to make it to Regina, as soon as possible.”
“Well, I guess it’s time to go”, Sam said. We then share a hug. “See you later… sometime.”
“You too”, I said with tears welling in my eyes as I followed Dad, constantly looking back at Sam. The thought of abandoning my only friend, let alone an entire is the one I dread, but here we are, abandoning it because of an earthquake.
“It’s going to be okay”, Dad reassured. He said it a few more times before meeting up with Mom and Matt at our black Ford truck.
“Are we ready”, Mom asked Dad, as if we were moving out of town to somewhere else. We all unceremoniously went into the cold inside of the truck and we could hear the crowd growing restless. Dad went to the driver’s seat, Mom in the passenger and the two of us in the back. Dad got the truck started and drove out of the spot. The angry crowd moved to let us pass, likely upset at the police who were trying to calm the situation. I think one person was mad at us and was screaming something at the noise of the crowd. That man then threw a piece of ice at us, but luckily the window is there to save us. Once we passed them, we sped off through the streets. Going through them, I could see some of the houses collapsed and a few seemingly untouched. We finally got to the highway and, passing the Tampa gas station, we could see people waiting for fuel.
“Should we stop for gas”, Mom asked.
“I don’t think so. We have a full tank of gas and there are too many people. With the situation we are in, things might be bad to worse”, Dad explained. “If we could stop in Bulyea, to pack more up.”
“When are we going home”, Matt complained.
“No, honey, there is no home left for us. Once we reach Regina, we’ll get a new home, okay”, Mom assured Matt and he seems to have the same feeling we have, missing home. At least we can agree on something for once. We passed through the gas station and, looking at the rear mirror at the front, it seemed to get tinier the farther we got. We sat in silence along the icy road with banks of snow. The inside of the truck got warmer and more comfortable. Luckily, there are fuzzy blankets in the truck to snuggle in.
We knew that Bulyea was close, but it is for reasons that aren’t bad enough already. Black, dense smoke in the distance, lofting to the east. We already knew something bad happened.
“Should we even go to Bulyea”, Mom asked. Dad looked at her and back in the road and gave a nod. “We can’t. Remember what you said back there? It is worse here-”
“I know. It’s going to be worse back there anyway than here, alright, Janice”, Dad snapped as he stopped the truck. This is the first time I have seen Dad this mad. I am starting to think he is just as afraid as us. “I’m sorry, I just missed home, but we had to get out.”
“I know, so do I”, Mom said and they shared a kiss. “Now, what?”
“Go to town and salvage what’s left.” Dad drove the truck and went into town. There, we noticed where the smoke came from. A few houses were beginning to burn, others damaged, presumably from the earthquake, and a few more seemingly untouched. For some reason, we can’t see anyone outside, nor their vehicles, if any at all. It seems to be like a ghost town.
“Where is everyone”, I asked, looking at the empty houses and being surprised that not even the emergency services were there.
“I don’t know. Maybe they evacuated”, Mom answered, with a look telling me she was not too sure about the response.
“Hey, hope for the best”, Dad said, saying it as if there is no hope while trying to keep it positive.
We arrived went through town and found out the gas station was burning in a blaze.
“So much for water”, Mom said, looking at the burning wreck. “Hey, how many kilometers did we travel?”
“Why is that important? Worried about gas”, Dad chuckled, in an attempt to cheer the mood. “I can chec- wait, how many kilometers does it take to get here?”
“Uh, fourteen”, Matt responded. My Dad looked at the dashboard in a confused state. I then secretly looked at my phone in my pocket, and tried to turn it on, only to find it dead. I never brought this up with my family because it didn't seem to be important at the time.
“Seems we travelled a kilometer but yet wasted half our fuel. I don’t know what is happening to the truck”, Dad said, further confused. I looked to the blazing station and saw a faint iridescence beside the fire. I was about to point it out when Matt spoke.
“Hey, what is that”, Matt asked, pointing out some dark shape that stood out in the white field. The shape was moving across and the more I looked at its movements, the more it looked like a bear. It then seemed to notice us and seemingly ran towards us.
“We are going now”, Dad yelled and put on the gas, driving off quickly. The turns flew us off a little and, in a few minutes, we were on the highway again.
“What was that”, I asked.
“I think that was a bear.”
“Why did we take off?”
“It was chasing us! Would you like to know what happens when we stay?” Dad then gave out a sigh. “I am sorry, but I had to make a choice.”
“I guess we won’t be staying”, Matt questioned.
“No, we won’t. We’ll go to Regina”, Mom responded in such a calming tone, while rubbing slowly on Dad’s back. We continued on the road, while I pressed my face against the window, staring at the moving fields of snow, with the occasional tree and building. I then slowly closed my eyes, bringing me to a world of darkness.
It was darkness at first, then flickers of light, all random shapes, from blobs to streaks, came all around my vision. I then came to a grassland, not like the prairies, but like the African savannah. Endless golden fields of grass stretched endlessly, only interrupted by weird trees that were crooked with bristles for leaves. The sun is setting in a brilliant series of yellows and oranges. I then heard rustling behind me. That is when I woke up, but not on my own.
“Hey, Kate, you need to see this”, Matt said in an odd confusion. I looked around and thought of nothing unusual.
“See wha-” I faltered as I looked ahead at the road. Ahead of the truck, the road is cut off by some kind of wall. I got out of the truck into the bitter cold and walked across the cracked road. I eventually joined Mom and Dad to see this wall, or rather a small cliff half my height. It seems someone cut the whole road and got the ground where I am to sink. I could even see what was below the road. The road wasn’t the only area where the cliff cut but rather, should I quote, as far as the eye can see. “What is this?”
“It might be some kind of fault line”, Dad said.
“Fault line? What is that”, Matt asked.
“You know, cracks in the ground that cause earthquakes? The one you learn in school about the San Andreas fault? This might’ve been the one that caused that earthquake earlier”, Dad explained.
“So a new fault line is appearing in Saskatchewan”, Mom said.
“Seems to be.”
“So, how are we going to get to Regina”, I asked. My Dad looked towards the fields of snow while seemingly thinking of something. It was a few minutes before we heard something odd. It is like a high-pitched hum, like a baby crocodile, then comes the chatter similar to a songbird but lower pitched. We all went to the truck, except Matt, who was more curious than afraid.
“Hey, I can see something”, Matt advised. Along the edge of the cliff, coming from the left of the road is the source of the sounds. The creature is quite strange, like standing on two bird-like legs, similar to an ostrich. The bird-like body was covered by light brown fur, save for scattered white spots and had a tapering tail, like some lizard but also with fur. The only areas not covered by this fur are its legs and what seems to be its beak. When it got closer, I came to make out its appearance. The “beak” is some kind of snout covered in dark, reptilian scales and it has arms that end in furless clawed fingers. I knew what it was, and it was frightening as it was confusing.
“Matt, come back. That is a dinosaur”, I yelled, hopefully persuading Matt of his curiosity. As soon as I said that, the creature stopped.
“Dinosaur? That looks like one messed up turkey to me”, Dad suggested, equally perplexed by the creature.
“Hey, Matt, come back! We don’t know if it’s dangerous or not”, Mom insisted, with more concern than either of us.
“But it’s not doing anything bad. It looks cool”, Matt said, not even concerned about this weird creature.
“Listen to your mother, Matt”, Dad hollered, in agreement with me and my Mom.
“Oh, come on, we could make him do some tricks.” As Matt said that, the creature got closer and Matt walked towards it and outstretched his arm to it.
“Matt! Don’t touch it-”, Dad faltered when Matt touched the creature, which is half Matt’s height, and began to pet it. The creature then began to purr, like a cat but more bird-like.
“See, not so dangerous. Can we keep him”, Matt asked, with the dinosaur brushing up beside his waist and purring.
“No, we can’t. We don’t know what it is”, Mom pleaded and I do agree.
“Oh, please, I promise I will take care of him. It’ll be the coolest pet ever.” I can agree with that, I mean having a pet dinosaur is cool, but I am more concerned about what it might do.
“I think it’s a bad idea”, I yelled to Matt.
“No, it won’t. Please”, Matt begged. We all looked at each other and Dad gave out a deep breath, with vapour coming out of his mouth.
“Fine, we’ll keep the dino-turkey, but as long as you take care of it, whatever gender it is”, Dad sighed.
“Yes! Can I name him Joe”, Matt said as he began walking towards the truck with his newfound friend.
“Joe? We don’t even know if it’s even a boy.”
“I don’t care. I want him to be a boy”, Matt protested.
“I guess Joe it is”, Mom said as she turned to Dad with a look of regret.
“I guess we have a family pet now”, I said under my breath to no one. We then went back to the truck and I sat in. Dad went to the driver’s seat as usual and Mom in the passenger. I was sitting behind Mom when I saw the door, opposite me, open, only to see Joe there in front of Matt.
“Hey, do you wanna meet my family”, Matt beamed when he picked him up. I can see Joe’s face more clearly. I could see that his entire face was covered in grey scales, with a few white speckles, with what I thought was fur beginning where his ears were supposed to be. Joe looked at me with a bird-like expression with his bird-like eyes. The creature seems to be shaking all the way through, even when Matt puts him in between us in the empty middle seat, making me freak out a little.
“Why are you putting it beside me”, I shuddered. “Did you make sure he doesn’t have rabies?”
“Don’t worry, he’s just cold”, Matt reassured. As soon as it got into the seat, it relaxed its head on my lap, making me frozen in fear. In surprise, Joe began to purr.
“What is he doing”, I asked.
“I think he likes you. You can pet him if you want. He’s harmless”, Matt assured. I then cautiously took my hand out and touched his brow area. It felt cold and reptilian, and I moved my hand towards his fur. I realised they were feathers, not quite like a bird, like fuzzier. I stroked across his spine and he was cold. Matt then covered the feathered creature’s body with a blanket.
“What should we do now”, Dad asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe take another route”, Mom responded. Dad then started the truck and turned it around.
“The rural roads would be hell. Maybe go to Earl Grey, and see if there is anything there.”
“Hopefully not like Bulyea.” Dad then looked at his rear-view mirror to look at Matt.
“Hey, do you know what, uh, Joe eats”, Dad asked.
“I don’t know”, Matt said, with a look like he doesn’t know.
“I mean, he has to eat something”, I said, now more comfortable with Joe. I lifted his lips to see a series of fangs lining his jaw. Joe didn’t take that too kindly and nudged. As he did that, he rolled to his side to reveal his hands. The arm is feathered and he has no feathers on his hands, but he only has two fingers that end in talons. “What, why does he only have two fingers”, I asked.
“Maybe a genetic defect. Like my cat Fluffy with his extra thumbs”, Mom suggested.
“Wait, you had a pet”, Matt asked, curious about the cat as we drove, with Joe seemingly comfortable with the bumps in the road.
“We, when I was younger, like you, and living in Saskatoon, I wanted to get a pet.” Mom explained as she looked at Joe. “Well, not quite like you have. Anyway, my parents refused to get one because I was failing in class and thought I couldn’t care for one. One day, I think a snowstorm was happening. I was walking down a street, fighting against the snow. I stumbled upon a box, covered in a blanket lying on the sidewalk. I looked inside and I saw kittens”, she said, her eyes glossy.
“Sadly, most of them died in the cold, except for one. An orange, fluffy kitten, fighting for its life. I took it, put it into my jacket and took it home. I entered our house and the kitten was fine, but my parents were furious. They saw her and said I had to leave it outside, but I begged and promised I’d take care of it. They said we could keep the kitten, as long I kept the grades up. So, I named him Fluffy, because he’s fluffy.”
“Where is he now? Why is he not here”, Matt questioned.
“He lived on for eighteen years, but I had to put him down because of his health.”
“Why didn’t you buy another cat”, I prodded.
“We just couldn’t afford it, we don’t have enough income. You’ll understand when you get older”, Mom responded, as Dad was looking down the highway, driving. I looked down and Joe was sleeping. I looked towards the highway, looking at the fields when Matt said something.
“I need to go to the bathroom”, he said, holding at his groin. I also need to go to relieve myself, but Matt called it first.
“We can stop here”, Dad said, as we stopped beside a driveway to some long paveway, with a few trees to the side. I recognized it through our trips to Regina: we have arrived at Gibbs. Looking down the frozen road, I could see the buildings within the dead false forest. I took this moment to speak my urge.
“Yeah, I need to go, too”, I declared. Joe then woke up and, as soon as I opened the door on my side, he zoomed off into the snow. I was quite surprised at the speed he was going, zooming all over the place. Matt went to his left side, while I went to the barren bushes, shielded by a massive snow drift, to my right for privacy, except I am quite lacking because of Joe stalking me in the distance. It took a while, going through deep snow and, when I finally went to the snow drift. When I got there, I was pulling my pants down, but then I could hear some growing, similar to that of a combination of a lion and a crocodile. Where is that coming from? Never mind, it might be Joe, I thought.
“Go away, Joe”, I said, thinking it was Joe, seemingly angry at something. Nervous, I finally got to business, a little slow because of Joe nearby. I then heard the growl again. This time, I looked up and saw Joe, but he wasn’t growling. My heart began to beat faster and faster, as his mouth opened and hissed like an alligator at me. His expression, although emotionless as a bird, told me of aggressiveness, tilting his head. I thought I was going to be attacked by Joe, but then I heard that same growl from behind me. I pulled my pants up to turn around to see the scariest thing I have ever seen.
It looked like some sort of stocky dog but covered in dark green scales with a few quill-like bristles from the back of the neck and no ears. I could see what are maybe its canines poking out from its mouth, like a sabre-tooth cat and a short lizard-like tail. It looked more reptile than, well, dog really except for its eyes. I could see the hunger in its eyes. I heard more growling to my other side and saw another of those things. Joe began making that baby crocodile noise and we ran to the truck. I turned around and ran.
“Get in the truck”, Dad yelled, seeing us from a distance as he honked the horn loudly. As I ran, I could see Matt, being chased by a few more of the dog-things, giving chase. Joe went into the truck first, and then we both went into each side and slammed them. Dad then sped off very quickly, scared they may get to us.
“What was that”, I panted, confused.
“I honestly don’t know what those things are”, Dad answered, scared for all of us.
“I want to go home”, Matt pleaded, tired from running away from those things.
“Don’t worry, we’ll be home soon. I promise”, Mom reassured.
“Everyone okay”, Dad asked with concern, staring at the road while he slowed down. We all looked at each other in fearful confusion, even Joe. I looked at Joe, and he then looked at me. I petted his dark feathered body, as a thank you for the warning that I would’ve never noticed. “Okay, we are moving on”, Dad concluded. We sat in silence, although I was still petting Joe.
“Hey, Matt, do you know what dinosaur he is”, I asked Matt.
“I don’t know. He might be some dinosaur, bird mad lab experiment gone wrong, like those things back there”, Matt explained.
“Or some mess-up chicken in a lab”, Dad suggested, still looking at the road.
“I don’t think he was a chicken”, Matt rebutted. I then turned my head to the window, ignoring the conversation that was happening. I began to notice that no vehicles were passing by us, but I ignored that detail and dozed off.
I saw those same lights in the dark vision of my closed eyes. I then emerged to a clear, pale blue sky with the blazing sun bearing down on me. Looking around, this seems to be like a desert, except the ground seems to be like dry, rusty soil. It feels hot here, hotter than one of those summers in my former town. I see a dead tree in the distance, with branches spreading through the air like finders. I heard a sound behind me.
“Wake up! We are here”, Matt said as he shook me awake. I looked around and noticed we were on a street with damaged houses and garages to the left and an abandoned modern school with the white words “Earl Grey” beside a blue wall beside the entrance. The school lies hiding behind a metal fence with dead trees behind it. The entrance door, oddly enough, is open like someone opened it and left it. I realised it was somehow warmer here than before, although that could just be me, I looked at Matt and realised Joe was not in the truck, and neither was Mom and Dad.
“Hey, where’s Mom and Dad”, I asked Matt.
“Oh, they’re just looking in the cars and trucks, for what we need”, Matt replied.
“And Joe?”
“Oh, just running across the road.” Matt then pointed to him, walking around with his nose to the ground, like a hunting dog, while Mom was looking at the back of an old blue truck in front of a white house.
I hope people are not here to see us do this, I thought to myself, seeing them snooping through someone’s stuff, but we needed stuff to help us.
“Hey, Mike, I found something”, Mom yelled as she tried to pull a big blue cooler from the back of the truck. Dad then came from an RV down from the truck and came and helped her. He then put it down on the road and opened it. They both plugged their noses and backed away.
“Fish? Who leaves fish in a cooler in the back of a truck”, Dad gagged. Joe then looked up, seemingly in excitement and ran towards the cooler. He stuck his nose in the cooler and pulled out a pike. He plopped it on the road, his foot stepped on the fish and put his mouth onto it, tearing a piece of it and swallowing it. “At least somebody likes rotten fish”, Dad rasped.
As we looked in surprise, we could hear something from the school. The minute we heard it, a loud boar-like roar came out from the school. We thought it was a very big boar when it came out, but the more we looked, the more we realised it was something else. Its body is like a boar, but its face is like a lion’s and the snout of a camel, with teeth somewhat like a bear’s when it opens its enormous mouth to gargle like a pig. Mom, Dad and even Joe are taken by surprise, making our parents run towards the driveway, while Joe towards our truck with his gorged fish, standing by us. The boar-thing then stopped a few feet away from my parents, seemingly in a defensive stance, hooves scratching the ground. We are scared for our parents, preparing to see this thing rip them to shreds.
It gave one last roar and walked towards the cooler, knocking it over with fish spilling out. It stuck its snout in the fish and swallowed one down. They then slowly walked around the creature and steadily fastened their pace until they were at the truck. We all quickly got in and Dad backed up quickly.
“What the hell was that”, Mom panicked.
“I don’t know, a pig from hell”, Dad responded. We looked at Joe, swallowing down the fish while the rotting fish smell remained. It looked at us in confusion, as we were. We silently laughed for no apparent reason, probably as a mechanism to try to replace the fear. We then heard a shaking in the truck, startling us. We realised that the hell pig was tearing at the bumper of the truck like a lion would. Dad hammered the horn, making the thing back up in surprise. Dad took this opportunity to back up very quickly towards the intersection and turned to the left, quickly avoiding the creature. We sat in silence, except for Joe who was chirping.
When we went down the street, the houses, as usual, were damaged but we saw other vehicles, the first we had seen. Some were parked along the street, others stuck on one lane like city traffic but paused. Weirdly enough, there are no people in the vehicles, nor anyone outside. Most of the vehicles have one or more doors open like people got out to go somewhere. We drove past all the vehicles in the other lane. There is one vehicle we passed by that is on fire, most of the paint already off to reveal the metal beneath, only to be turned into a rainbow of browns and blacks by the dancing flames.
“What. Happened. Here”, Mom slowly asked, as confused and terrified as us. We had a feeling of dread, seeing all the abandoned vehicles.
“That’s the least of our worries. We should be looking for supplies”, Dad responded.
“Hey, how much do we have”, Mom asked Dad, worried about using up the fuel.
“Well, we got a full tank of gas and travelled a hundred kilometers”, Dad responded, more confused. “Nothing makes sense here and I hope we don’t stay here for long”, he muttered.
Eventually, we passed most of the vehicles and reached the veterinary clinic. The small, intact structure stood there, seemingly looking over the icy driveway. We then spotted an old, brown truck and we saw something that set it apart from the rest of the vehicles we’ve seen so far.
“It’s on”, I said, gleefully, with hope that, at least, we aren’t the only ones here. The headlights beamed brightly, and we realised it was getting dark. We also noticed that the street lights aren’t turning on.
“I thought there was no one here”, my Mom said, unsure of the connection between the abandoned but running truck and the lack of people in this town. At one of the intact houses, ahead of us, partially blocked by the trees, we saw what seemed to be bright light coming from one of the windows. What person would go into a house after an earthquake, I thought, thinking about our house back home.
“Someone’s here”, Matt loudly notified, as we all shushed him and that is when Joe is trying to push the door with his snout. “What is he doing?”
“Stay here”, Dad calmly ordered, opening the door, but Joe scurried out and went somewhere else.
“Hey, come back”, Matt called out, with no success. Joe eventually disappeared into the night, never to be seen. Matt then had tears welling up in his eyes like he was about to cry. I hugged him to comfort him.
“He’ll come back some time”, Mom reassured, trying to calm him down and looking at Dad. Dad nodded and grabbed a flashlight that was equipped in the truck. He then walked slowly towards the house, step by step, being shone by our truck’s headlights. He looked back at us and put his hand up when the light in the house moved. It seems to move towards the front door of the house. Emerging from the house is a person walking down the steps, cloaked in darkness. Dad then took a few steps back as the figure came. Finally, the figure stepped into the light.

I had an intense relationship where the person seemed all into me from the start with regular communication and inquisitiveness about me. They met my family and friends and a little bit later they said they thought we were so well matched that actually they were ready to propose and get married. we shared the same values the same future outlook in life. everything was just matched. we could talk for the whole day at a time and we did activities together.
i started taking part in their hobbies because I enjoyed doing things together. soon i realised that i was the one doing their hobbies more than they were caring or asking about mine. i noticed the stuff i was proud of like a few of my hobbies and activities they said were silly. they called me dumb and stupid as a joke on several occasions. they even called me a swear word as a joke also. when i expressed i didnt like it they carried on saying it about someone else. apparently they said this stuff to people they care about/it’s their friendship groups humor. they made a joke about my ears as a joke my clothes too there was always something to say about them. i had an intrinsic feeling a few times that they was rushing things and didn’t really care who i was as a person but they kept reassuring me that we were right. we talked about the proposal rings honeymoon future moving in everything. sometimes they were supportive
we met again after a little while of being LDR different states and all of a sudden they had completely changed and were cold with me. they just didn’t care and my jokes were annoying and they seemed happier with everyone else but me. i asked the issue and they said they don’t feel anything for me romantically and we’re nothing more than a checklist. i was shocked and although i accepted things amicably i’m really distraught. it’s been a month and has had a significant impact on me. i just don’t know how i’m ever going to get the consistency they gave me again / they wanted to talk all the time even from the start and I’ve only ever talked to people before who were very low effort with me. We matched on everything and I was so excited about the future and I just don’t know how I can move on after we had planned so much. how else am i going to find someone with this level of communication?

I know it was your first relationship. At 28, you had already been through so much, having been on your own for 13 years. You were forced to grow up too fast, and had to prioritize yourself, building a life from nothing. I get it. It was your fierce independence that made me fall for you in the first place.
I always knew that trying to build a life with you was going to be a struggle. I thought it would be worth it, for both of us. You deserve to have someone in your corner, that always has your back. You shouldn’t have to be alone. I don’t know if you believed the same.
I think I gave up too much of myself for you. Was that my mistake or yours? Did you really ask for too much, or did I give too freely without expectation for anything in return? Maybe both. Probably more on me. I’m not perfect by a long shot.
Compromise. It really does all come down to that. I tried to show you its importance, but in the process I ended up being the only one willing to do it. Me getting to pick what movie we watched or getting to plan a date became something I only got to do on special occasions. You said you felt like you didn’t know me, but so many times in so many ways I offered up little pieces of me to you. I share myself by sharing the things I love with the people I love. But more and more towards the end, all you’d say was “no”. Ignoring any context. Ignoring those pieces of me.
I know you don’t like movies about kids. I know asking to watch Home Alone during Christmas was a big ask. But it was a tradition that I shared with my dad, who I lost just over a year before. I know you think that traditions are pointless, but it was important to me. My earliest memories are of that. I needed to continue on, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it alone. I needed you there, your support. It was such a small gesture I was asking of you, but all I got was “no”. Instead we watched a movie you picked: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. A movie made by the exact same people that made Home Alone, and with even more kids.
We wanted to go to Ireland. Personally I’ve been wanting to go for years, but couldn’t because of my dad’s illness along with everything else going on. You knew that in the last 3 years I lost all of my grandparents, two uncles, my dad. I couldn’t risk going so far away for so long while everyone was sick. My mom saw me giving up the latter half of my 20s for my family, when she was hoping I would be enjoying life and seeing the world. That’s why she was happy to give us the money to have the trip of our dreams. I explained all of this to you while you were struggling to find a way to save for the trip. All my mom wanted in return was a single nice photo of us. That wasn’t even a requirement for the money. She just wanted to see me with the person that I love making our dreams come true. I know you hate having your picture taken. The only attention your dad ever gave you was when he wanted to test a new camera. It’s a trauma trigger. But I was only asking for one picture. You’d compromise for your friends, you’d compromise for your sister. You’d take pictures with them. Why wouldn’t you compromise for your partner, and the other most important person in your partners life? After a year, we have 3 pictures together, none of which are very good. I know that I was asking for a lot, but I felt so less important than everyone else in your life. Maybe you felt that as your partner, I was to be held to a higher standard? I honestly don’t know. All you said was “no”.
You admitted yourself I was so supportive. I always prioritized you. From always making your tea before mine, to giving you the better looking plate at dinner, to planting all of your favorite flowers in my garden. I always complemented you, how smart you are, how beautiful you are, how driven and independent you are. Your friend needed a ride to a 5k and someone to cheer them on? I was there. You needed someone to drive you around while your car was in the shop for 2 months? No problem. Accidentally overdrew your account again, and you couldn’t afford the late fees? Here’s $50. Need to move on short notice? I’m the guy tearing apart and moving your furniture. You have a migraine so bad you can’t eat? I’m bringing you pedialyte and sleeping on your couch, even though I didn’t actually get any sleep. I learned all your rituals so not to trigger your OCD. There are countless other examples. I never said no. I never complained. You rarely said so much as “thank you”.
The big one. The thing that ended us. You’re right, we did sit down like adults time and time again and talked things out. You said you needed me to anticipate your needs. You’d get overwhelmed, and couldn’t articulate what you needed from me. You couldn’t stand being asked what you needed. You just needed me to start helping. “Mental loads” and all that. I took that to heart. But I’m not perfect. Sometimes I’d miss the mark. Tried to support you, but in the wrong way. Even in my failures I showed effort, but you never seemed to see that. You only focused on how I failed.
We recognized that this was a problem caused by both of us. The communication wasn’t getting through. But I had already adapted to your communication style as much as I could. My exited, rambling, almost impulsive way of generating ideas became slow, methodical, thoughtful. I put intention behind everything so not to overwhelm you. I learned not to jump at the obvious solution.
Yes, we sat down like adults and talked things over time and time again. You told me what you needed from me, but I also told you what I needed from you. If I was missing the mark, please just guide me to what you needed. I’m not a mind reader. I did it for you all the time. You were honestly awful at anticipating my needs too. If I was venting, had a bad day, all you’d say was “I’m sorry”, and pat me on the back like a puppy. No effort to dig deeper. No words of support or encouragement. So I had to show you how I needed support. I just needed you to do the same for me. “No”. Again.
One final time, I sent you words of support when you were having a bad day. It wasn’t enough, you wanted more. A phone call? For me to come over so you could vent in person? Did you actually want me to directly help for once? I don’t know. You never told me. Instead of guiding me to what you needed, you immediately shut down. Full silent treatment. I’ve been in abusive relationships where the silent treatment was welded as a weapon. I know you didn’t mean it in an abusive way, you were just overwhelmed again. But I never expected it from you. I didn’t see it for what it was. I only ever asked one thing from you to save us. I put in the work, got us 80% of the way there. I knew I couldn’t bridge the gap on my own. I wasn’t even asking you to put in effort on my behalf, it was for your benefit. I begged you time and time again for help. To communicate. Not to put it all on me, because I couldn’t do it on my own. But instead, you did the opposite.
You said that you felt like you were putting more effort into the relationship than I was. I’m sorry, but I can’t see that effort. I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t. Maybe you mean you put effort into forgiving me every time I messed up? Maybe you mean that you were always planning dates, always picking what we watched, where we went, what we ate, what we drank? Again, mental loads and such. But I had things that I wanted to do and share with you that you always turned down. You only had to plan everything after my plans were rejected. It would have been more efficient for you to show love, patience, and compromise.
And then you left.

For background context: My best friend of 5 years who I trusted everything with has been dating a guy for 3 years. It’s her second serious relationship and she sees herself marrying him and also he’s the only guy who has been able to satisfy her sexually. He’s a bum who has “a wife” but apparently his “wife is psychotic” so they have to hide their relationship.
We had a party, I got super drunk and so did he. I went to go pee and after I wash my hands and shut the lights of the bathroom to leave… I open the door and her boyfriend IS RIGHT in front of me. He then continues to lead me back into the DARK bathroom. Then proceeds to lock the door. And grope me and put his hands under my shirt touching my back. Saying how he always thought I was so hot. But with my personality when I get uncomfortable I always try to make it light. I then tell him “uhh let’s go back to everyone in the living room I want to drink” but he doesn’t stop. So I just say well I want to go drink and leave. And never speak of it ever again. I wake up the next morning remembering everything… he texts me at 7am and asks me to call him when I wake up and the FIRST thing he says is “what do you remember about last night” I lie and say I blacked out just seeing if he admits to what he did. He says he doesn’t remember anything.. and I don’t know why I didn’t call him out on it and to this day I regret not calling him out.
Fast forward 6 months later, I distance myself from him and my best friend bc I KNOW that my friend wouldn’t believe me I just knew how in love she was. I just took myself out of the picture. Unfortunately a mutual friend of ours gets drunk and tells my best friend the reason I’ve been distancing myself. And she finds out.
To put this story to a close — She didn’t believe me. She thinks I came on to him and thinks that “if he really groped me I would have yelled or screamed” but the fact that I “let it happen” is why it doesn’t make sense to her. The moment she told me “there’s no way he would come on to you because we have an amazing sex life” and proceeded to tell me that moving forward SHE wouldn’t feel comfortable if her boyfriend and I were alone together” … I lost all hope for our friendship.
In that exact moment I knew where she stood and I decided to walk away from that friendship. She’s upset that I didn’t want to hash it out. But there’s nothing to hash out. She’s in love with him and that’s that.
Also Two of my sober friends were witnesses to him pushing himself into the bathroom I was in but she still didn’t believe.
Anyways if you made it this far thank you for listening. This actually happened two years ago. I’m in a lot better head space now. The reason I wanted to share my story is one just for the release but the other is because I recently saw a Reddit post where a woman talked about getting sexually assaulted on a train and she froze and it took her a moment to process what happened and she regrets not reacting.. and it just made me feel like I wasn’t alone in how I reacted. I was reading other peoples replies and they also said that it’s normal to freeze up and be confused when that happens. And just by reading comments I felt this overwhelming support idk it’s weird to even describe like wow so it’s not just me idk so I just wanted to say my peace.
It’s honestly so unfortunate that girl’s siding with their manipulative partners over their friends is so commonplace. Smh.

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this is my first time posting anything like this and i’m not sure how to start this besides just jumping straight in i’m in a fucked up situation with my long distance ex and dealing with multiple traumas at the same time. im at a point where i know i need to make some sort of change but i don’t feel worth it. with my ex, i’m very aware that she mentally and emotionally abused me and it’s as if part of my brain is being rational about it and that i need to cut her off to fully heal but the other part of me doesn’t know how to live without her or the hope of getting back together. she completely ghosted me after 4 years together(not great for the abandonment issues) and has recently come back trying to be in my life 2 years later. before she made contact id been feeling the best i had in years, i was eating n taking my meds regularly. all of the progress i made feels completely erased now and im back in the mental headspace where i would do anything to not lose her. after speaking with a friend for a while tonight i came to the realization that im clinging onto my ex so hard because i rely on her to tell me how to feel and i believe im deserving of the way she treats me but even knowing that i still find myself trying to give her another chance. im not sure how to trust myself to know what to do about anything without constant reassurance and im terrified of what will happen when i make decisions on my own so i don’t know how to move past how dependent on her ive been for the 5 years ive known her. i’ve been pretty reckless since we broke up.. careless sex, drugs, excessive spending n other alternate forms of self harm. while dealing with the loss of my partner, at the end of last year my best friend of almost 13 years decided to end our friendship n cut me off because i didn’t like her new boyfriend. losing my 2 favorite people within a year of each other gives me the impression that im the problem and i’ve lost my self worth. i’ll admit now i put myself into questionable situations. a couple days ago i was rped and i have no idea how to even process what happened i’ve been walking around like a ghost. i was previously sa’d a few years back but this time feels so different, it’s knocked me down so hard i’ve been in a dissociative state since the rpe and i feel like i shouldn’t be pitying myself bc i put myself in harms way. i feel the need to turn to my ex for support through this(which i already did, i called her the day after and we spoke for a few hours.) i’ve read a couple of posts on here about having this kind of relationship with someone and im so confused on what to do. i feel like bpd is ruining my relationships with my family n friends and ultimately ruined my relationship with my ex. i’ve experienced 2 major losses in my family this year on top of everything else and im just at a loss on where to begin processing anything with these being 2 of my first experiences with grief. i want more than anything to begin healing from the last 3 years as a whole from the abuse from my ex all the way to being r*ped three days ago but my brain shuts down and i have no control over when i feel my emotions n when i don’t. im tired of living day to day just to survive i don’t really know where to go from here i feel so hopeless. i don’t even feel like a person anymore. i guess im just kinda looking for an outsider’s view of things to tell me if ive let the bpd take complete control. i was diagnosed less than a year ago so im still struggling with managing symptoms and the shame of not feeling normal. if u made it to the end, oh damn ur so real for that n i thank u <3 pls help me im freaking out

I've been staring at my hands on the keyboard for so long, trying to find the right words to express these feelings. I'm still struggling to understand them as they bounce around in my head. I've changed a lot and come to understand myself better. I've thought about the past so much, probably more than I should, but it's my way of still trying to understand what happened and how I ended up here so many years later. This isn't the life I thought I would live ten years ago. We always had issues, whether we wanted to see them or not. We both felt that things would click if we ignored them and kept going. That we put in too many years to walk away. We had a lot of unforgettable moments and things I will always cherish. I blamed you for everything when we first started having issues when I found out about the affair. I couldn't understand why you would do that to me. Looking back, I realize that I made something about us into something about me. We didn't know how to communicate, and I can see where I did not make it easy to talk to me. I used to think you should've tried harder to convey what was bothering you, but it didn't make it easier without the skills and me breaking down or shutting down every time. I can't pretend to know or understand everything happening, and I've finally accepted that I probably never will. But I can say now that I forgive you, and while it still broke me, I see the part I played in our downfall.

Hello! I am a troop leader for the largest troop in my service unit. I'd love to put together an end of year token of appreciation for our leaders, but it would be out of my own pocket so I can't spend too much money. Which is a challenge given that we have two Daisy leaders, three Brownies leaders, two Juniors leaders, two Cadette leaders, one treasurer, and one cookie parent. Whew. I was going to make friendship bracelets for each--but any other ideas of how I can show them how grateful I am for their efforts without breaking the bank?

From a hidden seed in the earth's embrace, springs a plant that dreams to kiss the sky's face.
Connecting to people is like sowing a seed, you wouldn't know how beautiful and high it can grow. Every plant begins with the same first step but the journey depends on the vibe it gets from the ground, efforts that it gets from its surroundings, consistent love of words it receives, and constant resolution of things hurting its growth.
I am looking for someone to sow the seeds of friendship that could rise high with our care. It doesn't matter how fast or quickly it grows into, having solid roots would help us to keep it stronger and forever. We maybe a plant that start slow or we grow fast but it should be reaching a journey to bloom with full potential and joy.
Come hold my hand and let's see what we can blossom into! It's unpredictable and fun, isn't it?
You only know if you sow, see you there!

Last night, I initiated a conversation with my partner on how I was about to “meddle” in someone else’s business but stopped myself. For some context: two men we were having dinner with seemed to be having a miscommunication around their expectations around the bill. I could see what the other man was implying without saying, and wanted to help them rectify the situation, but I decided that they were two adults and could figure it out and stopped myself.
So I initiated a conversation with my partner (about my decision to notice and decide to not jump in) and my partner responds with how I should be mindful of the ways that I am interacting with people because I 1. make jokes that aren’t actually jokes, and just things I think and 2. Don’t know or have a relationship with these people, so they may not understand where I am coming from. Their overall message was that I should be mindful of how I am engaging with others.
I asked them “are you referring to something in particular?” (Perhaps my energy at this point was anxious, and while I can be defensive, I wholeheartedly believe I wanted to understand better what they were referring to). They asked if I understood that they were just saying I should be mindful and that it was not a criticism of me. And I replied that I wanted to understand more what they meant. They said that what I actually wanted was a scenario where they just tell me not to do something.
Things started to fall into hell there.
They asked me to repeat back to them what they communicated, which I honestly hate when they do because I know there will be a problem. So I repeat back my understanding “I don’t have a rapport with everyone so when—“ they cut me off and said that I was distorting their words to be a criticism of me. That I was making it negative and that all they were saying was that I should be mindful when I interact with others. I didn’t feel negative about their feedback, I felt confused mostly.
They asked me if I was mindful, and I said “no”. I guess mostly because I felt like there was something that was hovering over my head that I didn’t catch. Perhaps I’m not mindful.
My main concern is that I develop so much anxiety around interacting with others because I cannot see what I may be doing and what I am not mindful of. I’m working overall on mindfulness.
I’m sharing this here for opinions? I feel like I cannot trust myself. And even in moments when I’m reflecting on how I had an urge, I’m being told that I should be more mindful. For clarity, I am not grandiose and I don’t feel the need to be the center of attention. I participate in conversations that are interesting to me and I am self-aware enough to listen to what someone else is saying and respond to that. I can hold a conversation. When things aren’t interesting to me, I don’t put a lot of energy into maintaining a conversation because it feels exhausting to me. I don’t believe myself to be rude, I am responsive but not proactive in question asking. In conversation, I do believe I could benefit from asking other people more questions.
Anyway, last night, I sat on the end of the table on the outside. I don’t remember talking much because everyone was so far away.
The exchange last night triggered me. When I came back to set a boundary, before I could set the boundary I was being told that I was telling my partner that it was their fault. I said “I know you don’t have a reason to trust that I’m not being defensive, because in the past I’ve prioritized my defenses over your feelings and genuine attempts to help-“ they cut me off and said that I was making this about their inability to trust instead of taking accountability for what I did. I felt like I was being thoughtful of what they might be going through, and I was going to go on to say that when I’m asking for a specific action, I’m really trying to know what it was that I did that made them (or others) feel a way. We have this same argument all the time. My partner says I don’t care about them, I ask why they say that, what have I done, and they generalize my entire being and make it about my lack of care. Only hours in do they say “and you didn’t do x, y, z” but by that point I’m fighting about how I am not a person who is incapable of care. By that point I’m angry and crying or they are having a meltdown, crying, and yelling.
This is a lot of detail because I want to have adequate context. Please feel free to tell me of any distortions I may have. I just really need advice and I don’t trust myself (and I guess my partner) anymore.

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How to cast Switzerland divorce spell that works effectively in 24 hours

Marriage is supposed to give you happiness and joy but not misery and if all you get is that? Then letting go is the best. How do we let go? Write the name of your lover on paper with a black pen, Draw a heart around that name and cut it into two saying “Enough of what you have brought me, misery is not what we promised each other ,disappear like I had never seen you before. ” Do this ritual for 24 Hours and before you know it, that person will chase himself, disappear and you will never seen them again.
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My Switzerland divorce spell apply to circumstances in which you are involved in a bitter divorce case with your partner you want help to win the case or get a favorable outcome from the court, or you just want to reconcile with a partner who is planning to file for a divorce, and you want them to change their mind and reverse their decision.
Switzerland divorce spell should be used in extreme cases for example if your husband has disturbed you a lot and you are tired of his tortures. You need a divorce but he is not giving you and thus your life had become miserable. In such caused you may go for these powerful Spells can also prevent a divorce, if there are people who are not happy with your happy family life and are trying different ways to separate you and so are insisting on a divorce then these Switzerland divorce spell should protect you from all such evil people so you may have a thrilled and secured married life.
There many questions in most Marriages but this Spell has all the answers, some questions are below:

• Are you living an unhappy Marriage?
• Is your husband or wife not treating you with respect and you wish to stop the Marriage?
• Has your partner not accepting to Divorce you?
• Is your Divorce taking long to go through?
• Have you found the perfect one you truly love and you wish a divorce immediately?

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Use Switzerland divorce spell to end your marriage if your spouse is not your soul mate, marriage counseling has not worked, you are fighting constantly, there is no intimacy & your spouse is physically or emotionally abusive
The decision to end a marriage isn’t one that most people take lightly. If you know you’re ready to end it permanently, get a divorce.
Many spouse struggle for a very long time before making a firm choice about whether to stay or go.

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If you are worried about the separation or divorce from your partner, you can get help from the spells that are effective to stop a separation from your partner. Because many people depend on magic ritual when they face such problems. Casting these spells to help you reconnect with the positive aspects that attracted you to your partner.
Ensure that spells are cast immediately when problems within your marriage get clear or no later than after the announcement of separation or divorce from your partner.
Therefore, I design these rituals in a way that they become effective fast since broken relationships can end faster and there is a need to cast fast spells to bring about maximum effects and to avoid problems which are possible if the process is carried out too late.

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How to stop your divorce

How to stop a divorce & save your marriage. Clarify what you need to change, Clean up all the old hurts & don’t play the victim
In conclusion, resolve your relationship problems by stopping arguing, understanding their perspective, stopping pressurizing, clarifying what you both need in your marriage & realizing that you both need to work together to heal your marriage problems
In relationships, our emotions and actions affect the marriage. The positive effect draws them to us. Negative effect pushes them from us.
I give you the opening and closing incantation that you can be able to start or end it whenever you wish. Note that my divine powers have “no side effect /no backfire”, and so it focuses on only what the user desire. I work both online and physically at my healing place in Bunga Kampala Uganda. Contact me now: Whats-app +256706532311 info@honeylovespells.com.