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Ezeonwha was walking down a long hallway. The dry and plain painted walls and the pure white lighting of the lower levels of the 102nd Visitor Welcome Office helped to frame the dingy realities of those who could only afford these floors. Not even capable of having windows, these were for those who were the cheapest of the cheap or those who mingled with them. He'd passed several Guides on the way in, their claws echoing in the halls as a sign of authority in this lawless land.
Here, mediocrity was king, and he was a loyal servant. He drew his cloak closer about his neck, unwilling to reveal himself to those who weren't already equipped to see through it all. He was famous enough to be an abduction target if he let his guard down. This place was no exception, though Justicar tried to make them such. Too much security on the higher levels and too little on the lower levels. That was the way of things.
Another hallway, this one marked with bullet holes. Two contractors and a Guide were discussing the pricing of the fix project when he turned the corner. Their voices quieted to nothing, the stillness pressing down upon them with the same intensity as the false lighting. Ezeonwha clacked his jaws, giving them a low bow before continuing on his way. He saw the Guide's eyes light up with the sign of his implants getting a reading. It was another impromptu way of tracking via facial recognition, but it was an ancient practice.
Nothing was new about what the Guides did; only how many of them seemed to be on general patrol. Had Justicar hired more of them or actually done full conversions for all of them? Those arm cannons surely weren't cheap or ethical to insert into unwilling participants. And giving a victim a gun they couldn't be disarmed of was a very bad idea, even for Elders. And Justicar was better than most Elders when it came to abject stupidity. He'd likely only been dropped a few hundred times as a child versus the more likely Elder average of a few thousand.
Ezeonwha chuckled at his internal joke, heading deeper underground into the complex. He was going to a certain meeting, and it would be best not to be late. Even if the Guides tracked him, it wouldn't be negative. The group he had been approached by a few days ago wasn't a terror group. He'd looked them up. They dealt in 'freedom and liberation from all chains.'
The Eyes Of Liberty had focused upon Penny as their latest propaganda target and perhaps as a valuable ally in their fight against all tyranny. Though such a flowery message was likely steeped in idealism for the lower ranks, with more pragmatic and likely richer inner circle elites and leaders ensuring the pot would always simmer but never boil or grow cold. That was the way movements such as these managed to skirt the line between inaction and terrorism.
It was a dangerous thing to do. But these were dangerous times. If Penny left, he'd die. Someone with a grudge would kill him. It was a given, and he'd made peace with it now. He needed to get to work, to help others like him and those worse off, with just a small piece of the meager time he had left.
He was in the system as a friend of Penny, so little scrutiny would fall on him as he came and went. He had a new friend, one who was very interested in connecting to Penny.
The offer had come through his communicator, and he'd answered it given its interesting title. After a lengthy discussion about their goals for him and Penny, he'd agreed to at least have a meeting. He didn't tell them that he had a tracker from Phoebe, which would 'be impossible to miss' if things went badly. He knew the value he had, which was why one of the androids was also accompanying him under the guise of being a Sprilnav.
The android was 'walking' on all fours, its mechanical motion entirely silent. It was obscured by a wave of holograms and hard light holograms that would ensure that it wouldn't be considered suspicious beside him. His only guard was a capable one, and Phoebe had all the confidence of an AI who knew that the destruction of her android would only be an inconvenience for her.
Ezeonwha came to an unmarked door with a well-worn door frame. One knock. One pause. Two knocks. Another pause. Four knocks. He waited, and the door swung open. Eight Sprilnav greeted him warily but warmly, their eyes shifting to Phoebe.
The inside of the room was a dull red, coming from a pair of lights in the center of the ceiling that cast dark shadows near the edges. The whole room felt dark and dangerous, and the walls were lined with guns, computers, and several drones. Shelves and drawers were neatly stacked against the wall, as well as five couches and four double beds with ladder access to the top portions.
Bags of food rested atop a trash compactor unit, and the room service button on the inner side of the wall that Ezeonwha could see in the mirror was worn down to the raw metal. No paint jobs here, only grit and business. The room faintly smelled of body odor and assorted foods. Not entirely unpleasant, but also not what he'd expected from a group with sich a flamboyant name. Perhaps they worked in cell-based units. And that was another thing.
Minds were visible in the distance of the mindscape, but the people here were huddled together mentally. They appeared to be haphazard, but Ezeonwha recognized an old army-type defensive formation a mere step from each of their positions. They were more than they appeared. Though based on how their room looked, they probably weren't veterans, just decently trained.
As they walked through the doorway, a scanner activated. One of the Sprilnav, wearing a headset with numbers and letters swirling on the inner side of the visor, called out: "Phoebe android. Commando variant. Risk assessment: Certain Death. Ezeonwha. Carrying two pistols, one hidden in the pack on his left, and the other tucked inside a strap near the lower bottom of his chest."
That made them all pause, sizing each other up. Ezeonwha smiled nervously, failing terribly to break the building tension once again. His nerves started to get to him, but finally, Phoebe spoke. "Well, friends. I, for one, am happy to talk of the business of liberty. Tell us, what do you have in mind for my friend Ezeonwha?"
"It is not about him, AI. It is about the freedom all sentient beings deserve, and which we shall bring to the galaxy no matter if we are alive or dead."
"An honorable goal to strive toward," Phoebe said.
"Thank you. Your words are quite kind for your type."
"I didn't know I had one," Phoebe replied. "But thank you."
Ezeonwha turned his head toward the Sprilnav with all the fancy equipment.
"What is the best way for me and Penny to help in the fight?"
"The best way would be for you to start killing the gang leaders you come across. Barring that, have Penny ignore the graveyards, and continue freeing the slaves as she ought to. The dead have their freedom; the living need her work more."
"I agree with my companion," another of them said. "So far, Penny has done more for the fight for justice than any other on Justicar in generations, so it is a terrible thing to ask more, but we must ask. Even knowing the terrible toll it would have if she loses the Judgment, Sprilnav are at stake."
"People are at stake, you mean," Ezeonwha said. "There is no need to bring species into this."
"There would not be, but it is still a clear factor," another of them said, a female who looked more shifty in her gaze and demeanor. The Eyes of Liberty seemed like one of those groups with too much division.
"Do you disagree with each other often?" Ezeonwha asked innocently.
"Here and there," the tech guy said. "Not often enough to be a problem, and not when what matters is at stake."
"But that is the thing. How can you agree on when something that matters is a stake?"
"Is this a test?"
"Why would it be? Think of it as a genuine concern," Ezeonwha said. "To associate with your group, I have to be certain it will be resilient to change and risks escalating in the future. If the gangs cannot strike at Penny, they will pick the next best targets. Currently, that is me. If I associate with you in a way they can find out, and I assure you they will find out eventually, you all may be at risk as well. And your group's seemingly cell-based design also means large scale mobilization is difficult, ineffective, and risks severe coordination issues which cannot be quickly or safely remedied without changing core security features of it."
"You deduced all of that from context? You are smart, Ezeonwha. And have a good brain in your head. Everlasting knows we need one of those between all of us."
They all shared a laugh.
"I am not as young as I may look," Ezeonwha said. "Penny is not properly learned of the danger that faces us here. I am. The Underground will kill me when this is over. Do you want to die alongside me, all for your beliefs?"
Silence descended again. Ezeonwha kept the pressure on them when one of them stepped forward. "For freedom and liberty? Yes. I would die for that."
"As would I."
"And I."
They all declared the rest in orders that followed the patterns Ezeonwha was noticing. There were variances in their levels of belief and faith in their purpose. Each person had a different level of value difference, which meant that their lives would be worth more or less comparatively.
Cohesion was weaker, too. Not a full defector team, but likely pieces of several. Was that by design from a higher up leader, or was that just circumstance? Another thing to figure out later, that wasn't critical yet, but he would know before he truly went on any missions with them, if he did at all.
He suspected running messages to Penny would be the majority of their tasks. The quality of intelligence the Eyes of Liberty had offered was substantial. Perhaps enough for Penny to turn herself from a major annoyance to the gangs into an actual existential threat. With Justicar's swarming protection of the Fort Court and the 102nd Visitor Welcome Office, there was a limited amount of things that even the gangs could do. And if the rumors were correct, a Progenitor would be partaking in the trial.
"To be clear, if I join up with you, Phoebe would come too."
"Why would we let an AI join us?"
Phoebe smiled. "Without me, you'll die in this fight. You have trained for around 2000 days. You're acceptable combatants, as is Ezeonwha. But you are fighting in a city, and underneath it. You need to know how to keep a low profile. You need to know how to move through a crowd, get in and out. And you need to keep collateral damage to a zero, or the gangs will use you like they have others who had your purpose and were less careful to justify their 'protection' continuing. If you march in there and kill 50 slavers, if you kill a few slaves or a single bystander in the process, your credibility will be smeared. And frankly, with me on your team, you won't get blown up by an IED when you try clearing your first room in a fortress."
"IED?" One of them asked, while the rest digested her statement, going through various levels of offended looks.
"Your translator is too cheap. Improvised explosive device. Here, that can be old engines, reused oil, cracked plastic, frictional fuel bombs, circuit extruders, sodium splash grenades, as well as the more military style attacks they can pack, from small micro rockets all the way up to lower level fission or fusion bombs. Though if you're in a fight with those things involved, you're already dead."
"Why?"
"Because unless you're Elders, or holograms, a nuke will kill you whether you're right next to it or just inside the same shield. They concentrate the thermal pulse, so your bones would be ash before the pain hit your eyes."
"And what protection could you bring against that?"
"Telling you it's there before you start the attack. That is, if you listen to me. I value your lives over that of this android, but also I value Ezeonwha over all of you combined. I will not prevent him from doing this, but I will have you all know the risks involved."
"We are prepared, Phoebe. We have done much of the training you say, though we do not believe the gangs would plant explosive devices in their own fortresses. There is too much risk around that, with betrayals so common. However, the minefields we have scouted are easy to defeat with the right tactics. Perhaps you can give us a briefing on those, too?"
A challenge.
"I can, depending on how long you wish to do this for. But I have the stamina for either hours or weeks, depending on which you choose."
"What of your batteries?"
"They are of sufficient quality," Phoebe assured.
"I hope so."
Their tech guy nodded, more numbers flashing on his visor. Ezeonwha hoped he had a different way of display, like through an implant or something, for the missions in darker areas. The Underground was, by its name, not a place where much natural light was to be found. And the gangs controlled all the power systems in their territory. It was another part of the racket.
"Why aren't you guarding Penny?"
Phoebe's back straightened, a subconscious posture change to make her seem more confident. Ezeonwha caught the tactic for what it was, though without extensive knowledge of bipedal forms, it was less likely the surrounding Sprilnav knew it.
"Penny proved before a trillion eyes she's capable of fighting Elders, Progenitors, and a Dreadnaught Captain. Not to mention her immense power. I can shoot bullets, but she can literally snatch them out of the air and eat them. She has her own way of doing things, and it is a good way."
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Penny landed in the rubble and headed for the Vaquah with a trail of survivors behind her. Many of them, she could recognize the marks of slavery on, with numbers or brands on their skin or just the trauma crouching in their eyes dulled by the pain of a long life in a work camp. Penny went through the wreckage to the shield surrounding the rubble and the defining line between the rest of the city and the destruction. Several news drones flew above her.
More were arriving from various directions. The soft footsteps grew into a constant drumming sound, like a beating heart of doom. Penny marched with them, heading to the spaceport. A large medical operation there quickly rerouted many of its various branches to the most injured freed slaves.
Penny pressed her considerable psychic energy on the entire group, accelerating their healing, slowing bleeding, and generally repairing their bodies and cells from the trauma they'd suffered. But the cloud over their heads did not brighten. The atmosphere remained tense and mournful. Many of them had lost friends, family, and more. She had no right to ask them to feel any different.
She had freed them, that was all. They were not her servants. She was not their ruler.
Several of them came up to her, offering thanks in the small ways they could. Kind words. Attempts at hugs. Even offers of devout prayer and worship, which Penny respectfully declined. She knew, as did most of them, that veneration for her deeds was inevitable. She didn't want to be seen encouraging it at all, since this was a public place where many eyes were upon her.
She knew that it would be misconstrued as a threat if she did. Religions were some of the most major threats entrenched powers could face if not properly co-opted by the state to suit their needs. And here, the 'state' was a military dictatorship billions of years old, ripened with corruption, money, and the immortality of Elders sporting technology beyond any other in the galaxy.
The sky was blue with shields overhead. The Vaquah hung in the distance, its thrusters gently burning to keep it aloft. A trail of shuttles linked the massive ship with several spaceports, including this one. Penny watched the freed Sprilnav get on it one by one, promising themselves to a new life aboard her ship. Technically, they were citizens of the Autonomous Peoples' Stars.
That protection, Penny knew, was why the Vaquah and its innocent inhabitants were still intact. Elders already had hired mercenaries to attack it. They'd failed, thanks to Rimiaha and Penny, but also the defenses of Kashaunta's Grand Fleet when it was in higher orbit. Kashaunta, despite her willingness to use Penny as she would, also had a certain intelligence and empathy. It was highly selective, and only money and power seemed to flip that switch.
But Penny needed the Elder, and Kashaunta only had use for her as an asset. She palmed the new communicator Kashaunta had issued her after the last one's destruction. Kashaunta's hologram appeared. It looked around, noticing the news drones in the air.
"Not here."
"Where?"
"You will know."
In the mindscape, a Sprilnav appeared on Penny's layer. They felt odd to her, almost like the minds of certain humans high up in the hivemind's network. Penny greeted the Sprilnav warmly.
"Hello."
"Queen and Elder Kashaunta requests your presence on her flagship."
"Very well."
In reality, Penny looked around at the crowd. She waited until it dwindled to nothing, and then spoke.
"Displace."
Conceptual energy twisted, and she stood on Kashaunta's flagship, though nearer to the edge than she'd expected. The Elder was waiting for her in an outfit that looked much like pajamas, though they were under a few armor pieces that appeared anything but decorative. Now that Penny noticed it, it was the same sort of armor that Yasihaut had worn to their last encounter, which interfered with conceptual energy. The Sprilnav were highly advanced. She wondered just how far their technology could go. She'd heard mentions of some ships having artificial gravity, and of nanites and programmable matter. But nothing certain.
"Hmm," Kashaunta said, giving Penny a once over. "You have come back. Shall I assume you are still my ally?"
"Nervous, are we?"
"Nervous is what you should be, Penny. The Judgment is coming. Ten days. Indrafabar and Justicar will both be on the court as High Judges. That is not good for us at all. So I figured a bit of prudence was in order. I have thought long and hard about this, and with the great battles of our time so fast approaching, I figure it is time to mend our relationship before the chasm grows any wider."
Kashaunta motioned to a special looking sword sheath on her back. Slowly, she drew a sword. A Soul Blade. Penny began to draw up her armor.
"Oh, I am not wishing for a fight, Penny. I know the damage you could do, even in my sanctum in the sky. Tell me, do you know how Soul Blades are forged?"
"No."
"Good. And tell me, do you know why they draw so much power to swing, even for Elders and beings as capable as us?"
"I have a few theories."
"I am sure you do," Kashaunta said. "But here is the thing. Soul Blades are typically weapons assigned to highly promising Elders, or even Progenitors. Filnatra, undisputed sword master that she is, can wield them as easily as breathing. If I were to swing this blade, there would be no drawback. Why?"
"Because you own that Soul Blade."
"Because this Soul Blade is mine. It is not just something I own. I own around seven or so more Soul Blades, with some weapons nearing their quality lying in my various vaults even now. You did not detect them, because I willed that not to be. I need you to understand this, Penny. You have power. You have might. But you are not invincible. My Soul Blade, if it struck you, would not cutely separate Nilnacrawla or Cardinality from you. Nor would your speeding space entity be able to block this blade with his flesh. If this cut you, it would release unending agony upon you before you exploded in a burst of burnt gore."
Penny sighed. "There is no need to threaten me. Allies do not threaten each other."
"But you do not see me as an ally. You see me as your means to get through the Judgment. You believe I see you as nothing more but a linear singularity maker, and perhaps a passing curiosity I'm backing on a whim. You neglect to imagine that there might be firmer reasons why I back you, and why more Elders are getting drawn into this conflict. You believe I am comfortable with showing you my more pragmatic and ruthless sides because I am comfortable with the fact that you cannot harm me. That you would not dare to do so, when you need my assistance so badly. That I might even be aiming to normalize my 'new' self with you."
"That is hardly my belief alone."
"Is it now."
Kashaunta grinned. There was no warmth in her gaze.
"Nilnacrawla," Kashaunta said. "Cardinality. Exile. Come out and show yourselves. You are being rude as guests."
Exile detached from Penny's head. He grew into the shifting array of fractals and shapes she was more familiar with. What had once grated on her eyes did so no longer. Kashaunta stared at the speeding space entity for ten seconds, then looked back up at Penny.
"He will not work on us. I will cover his form with holograms if he walks through my ship out of courtesy for my workers and crew, if he cannot."
"I am capable, Queen Kashaunta."
"You are quite knowledgable, aren't you?" Kashaunta mused, looking at him hungrily. "Oh, how I wonder what secrets you have in your head. How many of ours do you know?"
"I will not be taken as a hostage," Exile said.
"You will not because I decide not to," Kashaunta said. "Formally, our species are still at war. There is no treaty."
"The Sp'rkial'nova no longer exist."
"Yes, they do," Kashaunta said. "The name was discontinued for use regarding the lesser specimens we created. But I can assure you, Exile, if you wish to go by that name here, that we still do exist. I am a Sp'rkial'nova in the flesh. In the blood. In the mind. In the soul."
"Say what you will, Sprilnav. It changes nothing."
"On that I agree. Though our views on how things are may differ, and yours is wrong, your opinion is not valuable enough to matter."
She turned to Penny. She would have defended Exile, but he gave her a simple shake of his head area.
Nilnacrawla formed out of psychic energy in front of Penny. Cardi did the same beside her. Kashaunta tapped a claw on the ground. Tables and chairs appeared. A chef brought in food that looked passable and a few decent attempts at human cuisine.
"We do not have to eat, though I would expect that all of you at least sit at the table. We will discuss our grievances, and how to solve them before we proceed with the future. We shall first go to the matter of the Alliance. Penny, many in their number wish to establish contact with you. Do you agree to this? If so, I will add their communicator numbers to the translation program I have reserved for your personal use, in case your own device needs another sudden replacement."
"I agree."
"Good. A first step of diplomacy, I would say. Agreement. Now, Nilnacrawla, you look like you have something to say to me. What is it?"
"Free Meridia."
"Meridia was detonated by planet cracker during the 139th Sector 9 Border War. I am sorry more could not be done."
A cold draft of air rushed out of Nilnacrawla's nose. He glared at her. "You let them die."
"I did not. A Grand Fleet was defending that star system, and three came to lay siege. I am many things. A tactician, a queen, an Elder. But I am not a god. I cannot perform miracles. I evacuated 30 billion people from that world and its surrounding stations before the planet crackers hit it. 4 trillion more souls died in that blast. The best I can do is to offer an apology."
"That will never be enough for what you did. If you had never established your nation, they would still be alive."
"They would be slaves. Chattel slaves, not that cute little 'wage slavery' concept privileged people throw around. Perhaps I should remind you just how much darker that reality would have been for your female descendents, specifically. I am a brutal warlord, a dictator with an iron fist. But my claws do not squeeze nearly as tightly as I could. Metrics say that I could extract at least 370% more profit from my people if I simply enslaved them. But despite the shock this may bring to you all, I do have principles. The Autonomous Peoples' Stars are my people. My nation. My empire, if you think I'm imperialist. But I protect them as best I can."
Nilnacrawla's cold anger didn't lessen. Penny placed a calming hand on his front left thigh. He blinked. He let out a long, pained sigh. And he bowed his head to her. Not to Kashaunta, but to Penny.
"There is no need to be cruel."
"My language was accurate, Penny. He is a strong Elder. Everlasting knows he's stronger than most of these fools. Nilnacrawla was and is a hero of the Source war. I respect him enough not to mince words, or to give platitudes. Coddling is for babies. Nilnacrawla is far more mature."
Kashaunta turned to Cardi. "You have been remarkably silent in this, concept."
"I have."
"A wonderfully succinct statement. Perhaps you can shorten it further. But nevertheless, you and I will be working together with Penny much more in the near future. Rest assured, if you refuse to become more independent, you will be nothing more than a crutch for her to rely on before leaving her to fall when you are ripped away."
"When, Elder? I would like to think your protection is sufficient."
"I am sure the truth is quite the opposite, dear. I will now get to the point. Penny needs to move faster, and needs to break out of her shell. She needs to be pushed to do more. She has signed a binding treaty, which shows she is capable of more than barbarian aliens, as some Elders would call her. You, Cardinality, will help her be a high achiever. To do this, you need to learn more about your own history.
That is the theme of the year, after all. History. My history, Penny's history, Sprilnav history, and even Gaia's history, it would seem."
"Gaia? What do they have to do with all of this?" Penny asked.
"Oh, you don't need to worry about that."
"Excuse me? You don't get to decide that, Kashaunta. You will tell me. I refuse to be coddled, like you say. I demand the respect I am owed."
"You forget yourself, Penny."
"I remember myself, actually. I am all I need to be. I can become all I need if I must. You can hold your backing against me all you want, but you won't withdraw it. As you said, more binds you and I than mere money and ideology."
"And if you're wrong?"
"Then I've doomed my species and my nation to war, and this planet to the full power of my wrath."
"Wrath, Penny. Wrath. The Sprilnav have many words for anger, rage, hatred. There is the desire for vengeance, in varying degrees. There is that for justice, which does differ. And that for belonging. I know you believe you are standing up to me as a way to assert your own authority in this relationship of ours. You believe I see you as inferior, and will pull back my help when it is profitable for me. I will not offer you the consequences of what your words could mean.
You already know them, and that argument is as stale as your view on us Elders. I will say this once, Penny. You are the Champion of Humanity. The apex predator of your planet, the only one mostly in charge of an Alliance that does more than merely dream of overthrowing us. It is easy for me to say you are not a threat, though I do not ignore the threat you and your nation are trying to become. Gaia will be a part of your movement, but even my information is not entirely complete. I will not mislead you by claiming I know Gaia's link to this, just that there likely is one.
And I am not unreasonably petty. I am willing to put all our animosity behind us and start anew. Even if you are not willing to do the same, I am willing to make this work for us. You have more people to care for than just the Alliance, now. Do not forget them."
"A lot of words that mean nothing."
"Because you heard, but did not listen. Perhaps it will be easier this way, Penny. I want you to win."
"Explain."
"You wish to overthrow the current Sprilnav led order of the galaxy. Your path to that will likely be through mass slave revolt. A viable strategy that I could spread far beyond just this planet. And I actually agree with you. This Judgment, this utter insanity around the Alliance and your species has shown me the truth. The Elders as a class and a species cannot be trusted to rule any longer. We need new leaders. Better leaders."
"And yourself?"
"As the hypocrite that I am, and the power-hungry ruler of the Sprilnav, I would obviously exclude myself from that number. Let's be realistic. The Sprilnav will never accept a non-Elder ruler. If you wish to see what our insurgencies would be like, imagine the 2090s Struggles of Asia. Expand that to billions of planets, large and small. Countless ships and space stations. We have more collective ships than you have people. And as your military planners know, there is no such thing as an unarmed ship. Without us, without me, your plans are stillborn. Your galactic Alliance or whatever you make will fall to pieces without proper counseling. In essence, my offer to you, and you alone, is this. The galaxy, for the Sprilnav."
"Who backs your offer, with the power to give it?"
Progenitors Lecalicus and Nova appeared in the room.
"I back Kashaunta," Lecalicus wheezed.
"I observe her offer, and wish it a proper outcome," Nova said.
"Thank you, esteemed Progenitors," Kashaunta said, standing just to bow to them. Penny stared at Nova, balling her fists.
"There will be time for battle later," he said. "But not now. Hear out her request. She does not make it lightly."
The Progenitors disappeared.
"If I accept your offer, it will be on a written record."
"No. It will not be, because if that record is written, my nation will be facing war on all sides. A better idea would be for us to keep this under wraps."
"Perfect for betrayal," Nilnacrawla muttered.
"It would be, yes. But consider the second part of this situation, Nilncrawla. If word of this galactic offer, not just the Pact, were to get out, which is why two Progenitors who know the price of interference were called here, it would mean the deaths of Penny and all her kind. Or do you forget what rapidly approaches us?"
Nilnacrawla frowned. "I did. I apologize, Penny."
Kashaunta spoke up again.
"Penny. You believe I will betray you. So I make an offer of collateral. An offer so unbelievably sacred for us Elders that many would recoil at the mere thought of it. Now that you have signed a backed treaty, you are fully qualified."
Kashaunta grabbed her Soul Blade and presented it to Penny.
"What does this mean?"
"Nilnacrawla, tell her," Kashaunta said. "She will trust your mouth more than mine."
"Bonded Soul Blades are priceless artifacts," Nilnacrawla said. "To offer one to another is the ultimate gesture of trust and respect among many martial Sprilnav cultures. It can also allow for a mind bridge, a soul pact, or a proposal for marriage between two great houses, martial families, or Elders of great wealth and power. To offer this to a human... to anyone... is an ultimate sign of backing, and one of trust.
It is a sacrosanct honor, the absolute agreement of speaking truth and respect. The words I can use in any human language are insufficient to describe the weight of this honor. This gesture is one of absolute truth. Family lines with hatred going back millions of years would never dare to violate this honor."
"Only one Elder in history did so, one who once led a group known as the Stannic Resistance. He does so no longer. Penny Balica, Champion of Humanity... if there is nothing else I can give you to prove that I do really back you, there is this."
"...Just how low are my chances in the Judgment for you to resort to this?" Penny asked.
"They are not zero, but your battle with be incredibly difficult even with this boon of mine. The future of the galaxy, I now realize, hinges on the outcome of this. If we do not have enough trust, they will sniff it out, and we will fail."
So she had no choice. But as Nilncrawla continued to explain in her mind, Kashaunta was getting the worse side of the deal. Which meant she was throwing her backing behind Penny for real, beyond all reproach and retraction. Kashaunta, the most powerful Elder in the galaxy.
"And if I reject this gift, or your reasons for it?"
"Circumstances would demand that I kill you and then myself using this blade as a way to cut apart the dishonor, before my remains are dumped into a black hole to be forgotten forever. I would not do this."
"A dark and archaic custom," Penny said. She would have said more, but she looked at Nilnacrawla's face. He was clearly deeply uncomfortable. Her five words had shaken him more than anything she'd ever said to him before.
"You do not understand," Nilnacrawla said. "This is not something to joke or lie about. With a Soul Blade Pact in play, all else must cease. Right now, there is you, and there is her. Accept or decline. The choice, your only choice, is yours."
"How will this look to the Elders in the court? To the Sprilnav, and the people who back me?"
She could see how it would be a boon and a curse.
"You, and I," Kashaunta said. "The whole of the universe between us right now is you and I. No others exist until this one act is done. There will be trust or there will be death. No in between. No middle ground. The nature of this bond will be a Pact of Blades."
Conceptual energy swirled between them. Penny's natural translation, as part of the hivemind, failed for the first time ever. Her communicator likewise did not translate the words Kashaunta spoke.
"Eis nama kaste Penny Balica, sun lanci Dorima Kashaunta. Ko'ri, lanci nupa bes na Dorima'Pecunyanova. Sp'rkial'nova. Sun. Homo Sapiens."
The air grew thick with tension. It was not just emotional, either. Psychic and conceptual energy gathered. The mindscape started to distort as more and more eyes began to view Kashaunta and Penny. But all of them were Sprilnav eyes. All of them were Progenitors. Nova's appeared brightest and largest, nearly six times the size of the next largest pair. They stared at her, sending psychic and conceptual energy down upon her in waves that forced her and Kashaunta to kneel to the ground.
"I apologize for my earlier words," Penny said. "I should not have denigrated this."
Penny stood for an hour, deeply contemplating the Pact. If it was as Nilnacrawla was describing to her, it was a promise that Kashaunta would not break. If she was offering it at all, especially to Penny, it meant she had a level of trust in Penny's capability far above what Penny had previously thought. Apparently, there were even higher agreements than this that were possible, with this Pact being the lowest level of bond and considered unbreakable with the enforcement of consequences coming from the Progenitors themselves.
She thought of her place in Justicar and the wider universe. Hours passed like water. And then, by the end of it, after nearly 19 hours, Penny finally had decided. She gave a short nod to Kashaunta, who had been kneeling to Nova all this time.
Kashaunta gestured at the sword. "Tol, nopa shikai."
Nilnacrawla fed her a few suggestions on what she would need to say.
"I come to this Pact seeking peace, justice, and hope," Penny said. "And a promise not to betray one another, by lies or by treachery."
Nilnacrawla translated Kashaunta's next words to her.
"I come to this seeking trust, understanding, respect, and peace," Kashaunta said. "And a promise not to betray one another, by lies or by treachery. I make this Pact before the gods, those who equal them, and those who surpass them. I bind them to an oath of silence regarding this event, until I directly instruct them otherwise, in a state of a sound mind, body, and soul. Here, we shall step into a future that needs both of us, casting aside that which is unimportant to focus on the ultimate goals we have. I offer my Blade to Penny Balica, of species Homo Sapiens. In this way, we forge a new future, and walk a new path. I accept the Pact."
"I accept the Pact."
Nova and a hundred Progenitors descended. Nova grew larger, and Kashaunta knelt to him. Penny remained standing. His sharp teeth glittered in the light. He pressed his claws to Penny's chest, and to Kashaunta's chest.
"The Pact of Blades is made before the Progenitors. We agree to your vow of silence. The penalty of breaking it will be dismemberment and disposal into a black hole. Penny Balica, Engineer Kashaunta. To break this Pact without mutual agreement is to call down our collective wrath upon yourselves. You both have agreed, and are of sound mind, body, and soul. The Pact is forged. By sword, by word, by action. I, Nova, Everlasting, Lord of the Progenitors, King of all Sp'rkial'nova, Heir to the Mantle of Power, Heir to Narvravarana, Progenitor, Elder, and Sprilnav, declare the deed done, etched in time, space, and Reality."
They winked out of existence one by one, leaving Penny and Kashaunta alone, to ponder the future. Penny's thoughts turned to the Judgment, and her confidence she could win it began to waver. How much worse was this Judgment going to be than before?
Penny stared at Kashaunta's Soul Blade. With careful fingers, she took it. Kashaunta sat up, satisfied.
"Now we can begin. I shall compile all the news about you I can find, and we shall see how to address the questions the High Judges will ask. Now that you trust me, I cannot betray you."

Hi all,This year I moved to a new school after 7 years in a previous school (Catholic college - primary and secondary). I left due to 2 colleagues I once admired, respected, enjoyed working with and called friends either bullying, excluding and/or undermining me in front of my students and theirs across the whole school year.Moved to a new school (Catholic and systemtic) and am finding many of their ways of operating very foreign, adding to my work and time and am constantly frustrated by lack of consistency, lack of standards and zero acknowledgement of my noticeable student progression and improvement since my arrival.
A few factors that are frustrating and aggravating:
-Apart from myself and one other staff member, ALL other staff (teachers, Teacher Assistants, the Deputy, office admin, specialists) are ALL part-time in the primary campus. In and of itself this is not a problem, however it leads to a lack of consistency and stability for me as I am constantly playing catch-up due to the rotating nature of the year-level team. It affects student behaviour (not so much mine, but the other classes) due to no consistency with teachers. Seems to be a high level of rotating teahers on LSL (short stints) and staff on and off from parental leave. No staff nmeeting I have been to yet has had all staff there.
-Behaviour of students is atrocious when compared to other schools in the area and previous schools from my decade + experience. Students are verbally rude, cannot settle and focus and there are often physical altercations in the playground. I've spent a term and a half really breaking down behaviour expectations, routines and standards. I am making progress, but there is so much stacked against us.
-Parent copmmunity is INTENSE. Moreso than I have ever experienced. Teachers are consistently told their "tone"when talking to parents is rude/negative/insert critique here, parents are constantly emailing teachers to complain about other children and flat out ignoring any and all comunication about their own child. When I asked leadership about this, the reasoning given is either, "Parents at this school have always been like this" or "It's the culture of the area. We get families from all over"meaning the greater metropolitan area. I persoinally do not think this argument holds up as previous schools I've been at have accepted students from relatively large areas in terms of distance.
-EVERYTHING is done as a team." While this sounds great on the face of it, it adds so much to personal workloads when reporting, individual lesson planning, unit planning, NCCD work, resouirce development and/or sourcing, sending emails to parents, responding to emails from parents and more all has to be done as a committee of 7 people. Nothing gets done efficiently or within a desired timeframe.
-Classes - For each year level (double-stream), we routinely mix and match students. Not just for programs (e.g. Spelling) but for ALL subjects and curriculum areas. This means that in theory, I have a class of 31 (e.g. my roll call list), however in any given lesson I could be receiving students from the next-door class. Sometimes the classes stay the same (students) but we (teachers) swap. This makes assessing and reporting a nightmare, as it is unproductive, inefficient and there is no consistency.The reason for this has nothing to do with student learning, outcomes or development. It occurs "to stop parents complaining about which teacher they do/do not get for their child," "to stop parents emailing and complaining about if child x or y is in their child's class."It also means that due to the way the "team-teaching" works, I will never teach certain subjects (e.g. Science or Geography) this year. I have been given subjects the other teachers on Year 5 do not want: Religion, History for example
-Students miss out on opportunities for growth, e.g. in Science as we need to fill out risk assessments for items like using the school oval outside of lunch times and for simple, basic Science experiments (e.g. mixing two liquids - liquids that are not hot, cold). EVERY science experiment of any category needs a risk assessment.I came in so excited about subjects like Science... no more. Can't take the class outside for a brain break as we'd have to book the oval and fill out a risk assessment.
-Class sizes are 31+ and the school has a high volume of EAL and students with various diagnoses. In a class of 31, 20+ are either EAL and/or have a diagnosis (e.g. autism, ADHD, etc)-Zero autonomy. I have to go through 3 supervisors just to respond to a parent email (even if it is wholly positive), I am told what kind of visual aid posters I can/can't have in my room (e.g. a times table chart or a poster on English contractions).
-Release time a joke. I have to sit in my class cupboard as this is the only place in the school that is:--Free of gossiping staff--Free of staff talking in general--The only place staff and/or students will not interrupt me.-Staff are friendly (cheerfully greeting/seeing how my day is/was, seeming interested in me as a person and educator) but there is so much gossip about each other and parents/families. I could go to a staff member with a purely work-related question (e.g. planning or how a school process works) and the conversation almost always ends up being twisted to a poorly behaved student/complaining/gossiping. Even after I have point blank made it clear I do not engage in gossip and find it fractures teams/colleagues and do not have the time for it.
-Multiple duties each day of the week (as we are únderstaffed'' - same as every other school in Australia)-Duty roster (playground) changes every single week due to the high volume of absent staff, staff with multiple roles, etc So no stability or consistency there either.-Foced to pay money into a school social club each week for amenities (e.g. milk/coffee/biscuits) which I never use in a staffroom I never visit or for gifts of departing/retiring/staff going on parental leave.... Yet every time a staff member fits these categories, we get emails from leaders asking if we would like to choose to put towards a gift.... so unsure why I was told the social club goes to gifts. Tried getting out of it in writing (I pay more being one of the few full-time staff) only to be told, "In your contract, you signed that you will be paying money into the social club." Nothing in my contract at all, and I asked the state union to have a look just in case I am blind and having a man's look. They too clearly stated there is nothing in there.
My question is, after 7 years in a school I enjoyed (apart from the aforementioned 2 colleagues changing how they interact with me) is this the norm in Australian Catholic schools (primary and/or combined primary/secondary colleges). I used to be so effective, productive and built strong and positive student relationships. I am now ineffective, unproductive, my time and experience is wasted and my experience seems to be for naught.
*Is this the new normal?
*Is anyone else so utterly heartbroken, soul-crushed and demoralised (and I guess, angry and frustrated) by red tape/inefficiency/unproductiveness, etc?
Any thoughts? Cheers, legends.

I had a good mom, a single parent who sacrificed much for me to give me a childhood full of positive memories. Even though I was raised as an only child in a single-parent household, outside of what I guess is a normal amount of frustration that comes from homework and school bullies...it was fine. My childhood was fine. I felt loved. My home was safe.
My mother died 16 years ago, almost to the day. In a twist of sardonic fate, it was on mother's day, that year that she passed. And it was there that my CPTSD began, at fifteen years old, with the series of family members and family "friends" that I ran away from home from or escaped to. Emotionally abusive, manipulative, truly unempathetic wastes of flesh that opened my eyes to nothing besides that the world is a vast, venomous pit full of snakes and liars.
I posted two years ago about wanting to die, and the comments here encouraged me to keep going. I pressed on, spent even more money, but finally found myself in a situation that was better than I could have dreamed, and started to heal. A whole year I got, having peace, feeling creative again, making small progress on my health, having hope.
A month and a half ago it all went to shit in a way so specific to me and my struggles that it feels as though some unseen entity is stalking me, ensuring that I suffer just enough to continuously generate it despair to feed off of. I guess hope just exists only to make the pain that much harder when it vanishes. At this point I no longer believe it is possible for me to keep trying to find what I need, and I'm done. I'm sick of trying, sick of being ill. I can't keep pushing myself, I can't keep allowing myself to hope just to get disappointed, to put faith in a universe that clearly has it out for me to only torture me, to prevent me from stabilizing my life and moving forward on all of the hopes and dreams I've carried and sat on in the hopes I could survive long enough to bring them to fruition one day.
I'm so, so tired. I have given life almost everything I can think of. There are still technically options, but I don't have the inner resources to access them. I simply cannot. I don't want to do this anymore. Even a cancer diagnosis would have been easier. Sadly, I'm being evaluated for that, too.
I'm writing a fanfiction with a friend, promised her I'd finished it, but I'm hanging on by a thread. A human can only go for so long, can only try so much before they just throw up their hands and give up.
I see so many people on here convinced that they won't pass their trauma on to their children. That they will do the work, that they won't abuse them, that they will make sure they are loved. And that's a laudable goal. My mother was raped, emotionally abused my her own mom as a child, beaten by previous partners, and despite all this, I know she loved me, and I appreciate her. It did not negatively effect her parenting me.
But she wasn't the only human in my world. And even if I had no other caregiver, even if my environment had been supportive despite her death, anything can cause CPTSD. Not just a parent's lack of love. Siblings. Abusive partners. Cruel bosses at work. School bullies. Displacement. Being perpetually poor. Spending decades lost in chronic illness.
This might be controversial, but I have to say my truth.
Being a good parent is not enough to stop your child's suffering. And when you bring them here, in the this world of endless madness and unequally distributed trauma, remember that that's what you risk. Their pain, their misery, their anguish, their desire to die, and even, eventually, their very death, caused by factors entirely out of your control. Do not bring a child here unless you are sure you can live with this reality. Do not bring a child here if you are not prepared to feel guilty.
This isn't a suicide note. But in three months when my friend and I finish this fic, I can't say with confidence that that will any longer be true. I read u/f1nal-exit's post. And then I took a break, waited a few days, and read the comments. And it became clear to me then, that the people who care can't help me, and the people who could help me don't care.
My mother birthing me was the cruelest mistake of her life. I wonder how she would feel now, knowing the daughter she birthed no longer has desire for little more than to die.

Name: Luke Stratos
Age: 16
Appearance: Tall, broad shoulders, dark brown skin, black hair in a crew cut wave, hazel brown eyes, lean, muscular build, celtic shield knot on his right bicep, a wolf head tattoo on his left forearm, and the Japanese Kanji for wind on his right bicel. Small, faded scars litter most of his body.
Personality: Kind, friendly, helpful, stubborn at times, hardworking, loves his family dearly, dedicated to helping others, can get nervous around girls, tends to be charming without noticing it, gentlemanly, and is a fighter to the very end.
Likes: Martal arts, his mother, his sisters, cooking, heroes, R&B music, country music, singing, desserts, figuring out what he can create with his Quirk, his classmates (sans Bakugo at times), storms, windy days, mythology.
Dislikes: Bullies, his father, villains, anyone who mistreats women, people who fight for no reason, heroes who only care about fame, cameras, extremely cheesy foods, snakes, and waking up super early.
Quirk: Gale Forge- Luke's Quirk allows him to generate, manipulate, and intensify wind currents. This gives Luke the ability to not only manipulate the wind and air around him for simple purposes such as movements and basic attacks but also solidify the air into various constructs, essentially forging objects out of wind. These constructs can range from simple shields and battering rams to more complex shapes like blades, grappling hooks, and even animals. The constructs Luke creates take on a dark, midnight blue shade.
Quirk Drawbacks: Luke's Quirk relies heavily on the air quality around him. If the air is too humid or too wet than his constructs will become virtually unusable. And if Luke's airway or supply becomes shortened or cut off in any way then he won't be able to create anything at all. Overuse of his Quirk can also lead to intense asthma attacks or ruptured blood vessels.
Quirk Supermoves:
Cyclone Lancer: Luke summons numerous, dark blue spears around him that he uses to launch from a distance.
Sky Shot: Luke creates a blue wind bow and fires an arrow at his target. As long as he has eyes on his target, the arrow will follow.
Gale Step: Luke summons concentrated bursts of air from beneath his feet, increasing his speed and mobility.
Vortex Wrath: Luke creates a spinning funnel of wind around his arm and shapes it into a drill.
Breeze Blade: Luke summons a triangular-bladed broadsword that he uses at close range.
Falcon Tempest: Luke summons a cast of wind falcons he uses as either a means of attack or a way to temporarily blind an opponent.
Lupus Storm: Luke summons a pack of wolves that he can use to carry injured people away from the battlefield or attack numerous opponents.
Ryuusepuu (Dragon Whirlwind): Luke creates a swirling, Asian lung Dragon that circles around him before he sends it at his opponent. The Dragon traps the opponent in a massive vortex before biting down on them with full force.
Fujin-ken (Wind God Fist): Luke gathers spinning wind around his right fist that he sends out in a massive burst of wind that sometimes takes the form of an angry Oni head.
Howling Hurricane: Currently Luke's strongest move. He summons a massive amount of wind around him before launching himself into the air. Luke shifts into a flying kick position and condenses the wind around his outstretched leg. The wind transforms themselves into a wolf head which bites down on his target with the full force of hurricane force winds.
Hero Name: Zephyros, The Wind Knight
Hero Costume: Dark blue cargo pants with black tribal markings swirling around the outer edges of it. The pants are tucked into a set of black boots with silver armor protecting his knees and shins. A black and silver belt is around his waist full of different medical supplies, smoke bombs, flashbangs, and other small weapons that Luke uses in the field. He wears a long-sleeved black and blue shirt made of a special material that is bulletproof, tearproof, and fireproof along with protective armor on his forearms and shoulders. His torso is covered by a chest guard with the image of a knight's helm surrounded by streaks of wind on the front area. His chest guard also acts a wind breaker with lighter, cloth material hanging down past his hips along with a hood on the back of his neck. His look is finished off with a mask covering the lower half of his face and a simple mask over his eyes that enhaces his vision through numerous types of filters.
Background: Luke is the only male child of now divorced parents. His father, a real estate tycoon was so focus on his work that he neglected his wife which also led to his infidelity. Luke in turn has four older sisters with two of them being the daughters of women other than his mother. Luke's father was hardly in his life, only seeing the young man a few times a year, leaving him to be raised by his mother and older sisters.
Luke grew up seeing just how hard his family members worked to be able to provide for him and each other. Luke's mother gave him as much love as she could as well as showing him different skills that would help him in the future. As he grew, his sisters succeeded in their careers and became the top of their fields; a respected surgeon, a lawyer, a tech entrepreneur, and even a pop icon. While sometimes being placed in the shadows of his successful siblings, he never felt like he was inferior to them. They all loved him and he loved them, idolizing how much hard work they put in to making their dreams come true.
Luke first became interested in the hero world when he saw a local hero not only save a small time grocery store from getting robbed but also assisting him in getting his business back in working order. Luke realized that being a hero wasn't just about dealing with villains or flashy rescues but also giving the people hope when they felt like they didn't have any. Just like how his family members made him feel when he was at his lowest points.
Luke made it his goal to become a hero, to do some good for the people in this world that felt like nothing good ever happened to them.

Hybrid Warfare: The Art of Conquest under the Umbrella of Peace

{The art of hybrid wor} Cap 1

Note: This story is a work of fiction and does not aim to promote or glorify violence or harmful actions.
Introduction
The contemporary world is witnessing an era of unconventional conflicts, where the boundaries between peace and war are blurred. Hybrid warfare, a insidious strategy that combines elements of traditional warfare, covert operations, cyber attacks, and propaganda, has become an increasingly prevalent weapon in the arsenal of major powers.
Inspired by the tactics of the NKVD, KGB, and SVR, this book reveals the subtle art of conquering a country without triggering open conflict. The reader will be guided through the labyrinth of strategies for identifying and compromising key individuals, exploiting their vulnerabilities and secrets to gain control over a nation.
Primary Target: Influence
The first crucial step is to identify the most influential person in the target country. Once the target is identified, a meticulous operation follows to uncover their weaknesses, secrets, and loved ones. Children, as symbols of the future and legacy, become priority targets. Neutralizing them, either through direct control or by sabotaging their chances of procreation, represents a crucial strategic blow.
Secret Weapon: Control
The life partner of the target becomes a central figure. Controlling or dividing them through unconventional methods serves to weaken the target's influence and facilitate their manipulation. There are no rules in this hybrid warfare, and any means are permitted to achieve the ultimate goal: conquest.
Infiltration: Eyes and Ears Everywhere
Well-infiltrated intelligence services, similar to Nicolae Ceaușescu's "Securitate", become essential for the constant surveillance of the target and their entourage. Controlling the doctor, the entourage, and anyone who could influence the target is crucial to maintaining absolute control.
"Coughing from the throat."
A Shocking Example: The Doctor and the Child
To illustrate the cruelty and lack of scruples of this type of warfare, let's analyze in detail a particular scenario: the control of the target's child's doctor. Imagine a situation where the child, the symbol of hope and the family's future, falls seriously ill. The doctor, under enemy control, is instructed to conceal the truth about the child's condition, providing a false diagnosis and ineffective treatment. This perfidious action not only endangers the child's life but also destroys the target's trust in those around them, making them vulnerable to manipulation.
Conclusion
Hybrid warfare, with its hidden tactics and ruthless manipulation, poses a real threat to the sovereignty of nations. This book offers a fascinating yet disturbing insight into this type of conflict, revealing the brutal strategies that can be used to conquer a country without triggering open war. An essential read for those who wish to understand the complexity of the modern world and the hidden dangers that can threaten global peace and stability.
The example of the doctor and the child serves as a reminder of the cruelty and lack of boundaries of those who wage hybrid warfare. It is a shocking yet necessary story that compels us to confront the dark reality of this type of conflict.
Another Shocking Example: The Orchestrated Accident
To demonstrate the insidious versatility of hybrid warfare, let's analyze another terrifying scenario: manipulating the doctor treating the target after a serious accident.
Imagine a tragic situation: the target, a symbol of power and influence, is the victim of a violent accident. Rushed to the hospital, severely injured and vulnerable, their fate rests in the hands of the attending physician.
But what if this doctor isn't a dedicated savior, but a pawn infiltrated in the enemy's operation? Under the adversary's control, the doctor receives sinister instructions: to administer medications that, under the guise of proper treatment, will actually trigger a rise in the target's blood pressure, further exacerbating their condition and jeopardizing their life.
This diabolical act not only endangers the target's life, but also serves as a strategic blow. Weakening the target physically and mentally makes them vulnerable to manipulation and isolates them from loved ones who might intervene to protect them.
In the event the target survives, the orchestrated accident could be presented as a mere medical error, a regrettable negligence, not a premeditated crime. The lack of concrete evidence and the controlled doctor's influence would facilitate the concealment of the truth and maintain control over the target.
This example chillingly demonstrates how hybrid warfare exploits human tragedy to achieve political objectives. The manipulation of the medical profession, a symbol of trust and compassion, represents a pinnacle of perfidy, showcasing the utter lack of scruples of those who wage such war.
The story of the orchestrated accident serves as a shocking reminder of the hidden cruelty of hybrid warfare and how it can infiltrate and corrupt even the most noble institutions. It's a dark reality we cannot ignore, forcing us to remain vigilant and fight to defend humanity's fundamental values.

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When I was 4, I received a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome, which marked the beginning of a steep decline in my life. Despite exhibiting typical speech development and lacking any recorded mental deficiencies, I was suddenly placed on IEP upon enrolling in elementary school. Despite having no prior history warranting such intervention, my parents, perhaps swayed by the promise of additional support, consented to this decision.
This marked a significant turning point in my life. The IEP meant extensive one on one teaching sessions outside the classroom, leading to profound feelings of isolation and alienation. Despite being a sociable child, I found myself increasingly segregated from my peers. Instances like being forcibly removed from class for minor incidents, such as telling a joke, only intensified my sense of otherness.
Despite lacking any behavioral or cognitive issues, the school's actions continued unabated, defended to my parents as necessary accommodations. This led to the humiliating publication of a news story, tarnishing my reputation from a young age. My parents, believing they were advocating for my best interests, unwittingly perpetuated this cycle of unnecessary intervention, further exacerbating my struggles.
This pattern persisted until I moved and enrolled in a new school, where the same cycle repeated itself. Despite my protests, I was once again assigned a TA and an IEP, further undermining my self esteem and hindering any chance of a normal childhood. The stigma attached to being labeled as having special needs haunted me throughout my education, impacting my social interactions and academic opportunities.
The constant barrage of medications and doctor appointments only added to my sense of disillusionment. By the age of 11, I had the clarity to stop the medication regimen, realizing its ineffectiveness. Despite the challenges, I managed to break free from the constraints imposed by the IEP and catch up academically, albeit without the support I was led to believe I needed.
My life was derailed by a system more concerned with budget allocations than individual needs, and by well meaning parents who fell prey to its machinations. It's a cynical cycle, where the ones meant to support end up perpetuating the very struggles they sought to alleviate.
I'm 16 now, and I'm still trying to undo the damage.

Hello I have a 5 year old girl who is currently at school with an IEP she doesn't really need too much help. She mainly has speech therapy (that is the main reason we started this journey). My question is for the parents that have a similar experience like me. I have a high functioning little girl (for me anyways) she beats all goals at school since she was 3 years old. Her speech was her one thing that she always needed, this year she also had a 15minute movement break. She doesn't stay still for long, she has a short attention span, which has improved a little. She even accomplished potty training. As a mom i always feel like a worried mess, everyone seems to think she is fine. She has lots of stims i think, she jumps, she makes fist and squeezes when excited, and she hums when she eats (not scared to try new foods but she likes what she likes)She also has a-lot of social things i notice, everyone is her friend, she is very happy and joyful to play with other kids (intensely). I feel like that means she doesn't understand social cues very well. She is getting better at understanding and holding a conversation but still not able to fully. Her evaluation from school will be next school year to make her IEP a permanent thing (for autism) or not. She wasn't diagnosed when i first looked for help, she was just mainly not speaking. She was 2 years old almost 3 and they couldn't say if she was or wasn't autistic. Now im wondering if she doesn't get the "autistic diagnosis" for school, because shes doing fine in school does this mean i don't have to worry? Should i fight it? Should i pursue an actual medical diagnosis (we haven't yet because of the financial aspect)? Her doctor never was concern she saw the same doctor from birth to 4 years old and when i brought it up she said she wasn't worried.
Im sorry is so long i just really need someone that understands my situation that can advice me a little. Or from experience tell me their autistic child is getting by at school just fine. My biggest fear is to not help my daughter as much as i can, and give her all the help i can. Im also afraid of school getting harder for her, i mean for myself kids weren't the nicest as i got older (i was bullied my entire 12 years of school). I myself feel like i probably was never diagnosed myself so i dont want to let that happen to my kid if it helps.
Thank you for taking the time to read.

I'm (28F) embarrassed to even be writing this given I've already posted in this sub twice about fallouts my father (75M) and I have had to say that my husband (31M) and I are now living with him for a year to establish ourselves in my hometown away from his family and to help my father find someplace to live within his fixed income.
My purpose for posting is to get some support on the boomeranging away and back to these people. I have long known I have a Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant attachment style, which shows so clearly with my father. He is so nasty and mean, which drives me away, but the hope I feel when I'm alone and dreaming of a better relationship or when he's nice and cooking dinner makes me come right back hoping some goodwill and modeling healthy communication will fix all this right up. What also keeps me coming back is people in my culture, even family that has directly witnessed or even experienced the abuse I've endured will tell me some variation of "Well, he's your father."
The cherry on top right now is my therapist. I've been with her for almost 4 years now and we've hit a wall. That wall is my disorganized attachment, and especially how it relates to my father. For four years, we've catalogued the changes in our relationship as I've grown into an adult, a married woman, and I think she believes that my father has made groundbreaking changes just by limiting his abuse to the occasional nasty comment and stonewalling when he can't do anything else. To me, that isn't good enough to repair the relationship and I don't believe it ever will. I worked hard for many years to understand that I will never get the father I want and need from this man, but I feel that this cultural expectation of me to take care of my father in his old age regardless of the things he did to me years ago, not to mention the codependency and way my husband and I can't build our careers to a living wage fast enough, keeps me stuck with him. It's structural, mental, and emotional. But my therapist seems committed to spending every session steering me away from demonizing him and toward self-regulation and inner child soothing, telling me I'm triggered and I need to calm myself. But this internal pain I feel impacts me in all relationships, not just this one, because my inner child is proven right every day: This man will do whatever he wants to me and no one will stop him, and even encourage me to appease him even if they know how bad it is.
So...what can I do until he dies? We were LC for a while after the 1st and 2nd NC, which gave me enough time to go through antidepressants and anti anxieties. Even reduce enough symptoms to take off the PTSD diagnosis. But now I'm in his face and triggered even if he's just knocking on the door to say dinner's ready. The goal is for me and my husband to save money and rent our own place by the end of the year (after a whole fiasco with trying to secure a mortgage) and help my dad move to a more affordable place, though the wait list for Section 8 is long and not up to his standards anyway so he might go back to Puerto Rico anyway. He'll have to face his family of origin that he estranged himself from 40+ years ago to get re-established there, which I'm afraid they'll all make my problem.
TL;DR I can't go NC from my NDad long enough because of codependency, financial instability delaying adulthood, and cultural expectations. Disorganized attachment keeps me triggered and boomeranging in this and other relationships. Need support or advice.

https://www.thefreelibrary.com/Backlash%2c+parental+alienation+syndrome+and+co-construction.-a0179570828
Work on the issue of sexual abuse in children and adolescents lays bare the power relations between genders, generations and social classes. The issue of gender is seen in statistics from UN agencies that report that "one in four girls and one in nine boys will be sexually abused before they reach the age of 18."(1) Generational power relations are clear because the perpetrators are adults, and the power relations of class are evident in the backlash generated by powerful sectors that have attempted to prop up the myth that child abuse is only a problem among the poor and working classes.
Webster's Dictionary defines "backlash" as "a strong adverse reaction to a political or social movement." More plainly, backlash is a negative reaction to a positive and constructive step forward. Professor of law John Myers identifies the positive step as the progress made in the past two decades with regard to child abuse and the backlash as the escalation of criticism against professionals involved in child protection.(2)
David Finkelhor was responsible for pioneering work on the sexual abuse of children in the United States. In his 1979 book, Sexually Victimized Children, Finkelhor recognizes the important contributions of the women's movement and professionals involved in child protection lobbying in drawing attention to the realities of sexual violence against minors: "If the sexual abuse of children has risen to prominence as a social problem rather quickly, it is because it has been championed by an alliance of two constituencies by now rather experienced in the promotion of social problems."(3)
In the United States, a backlash began in the 1980s under the Reagan Administration's return to stale and reactionary values following the struggles of the women's movement and the children's rights movement the 1960s and 70s.
What was once secret was now openly debated, and controversy wracked the most idealized institutions, including church, family and school. Socially consecrated myths of long-standing were crumbling: "The home is the seat of love, support and safety for children"; "Good families don't talk about sexuality"; "Churches reflect the highest moral standard with regard to sexuality"; "Children are safe in school."
By drawing attention to the realities of child sexual abuse, a solid blow was dealt to the "powers that be"; hypocrisy was uncovered; and unquestioned assumptions were challenged. This frontal attack was met with denial by means of a range of strategies developed by the fundamentalisms of faith and the market.
One of these backlash strategists was prominent forensics expert Richard Gardner, who coined the term "parental alienation syndrome" in 1985 to describe a supposed psychological disorder that he had observed in lengthy and bitter custody battles. His original paper on the subject uses the following description:

"The term I prefer to use is parental alienation syndrome. I have introduced this term to refer to a disturbance in which children are obsessed with deprecation and criticism of a parent—denigration that is unjustified and/or exaggerated. The notion that such children are merely 'brainwashed' is narrow."(4)

However, supposedly citing his original work several years later, Gardner re-describes this phenomena somewhat differently.

"[t]he parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a childhood disorder that arises almost exclusively in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent. When true parental abuse and/or neglect is present, the child's animosity may be justified, and so the parental alienation syndrome explanation for the child's hostility is not applicable."(5)

The two different definitions demonstrate the changes in this argument over time with the goal of developing a different strategy for discrediting the hard research work and harder-won social gains of the women's movement and the professionals lobbying for child protection.
Maria Jose Blanco Barea has studied the many works that Gardner published up to his death by suicide in 2003, and she suggests that "perhaps the psychological causes that led to his suicide should be taken into consideration." With regard to Gardner's professional career, Blanco Barea recounts that "Gardner dedicated the first part of his professional life to working as a forensics expert in cases of sexual abuse brought by children against their parents, students against professors, members of the faithful against representatives of organized religions and within military families. Gardner often stressed that he was a former captain [in the U.S. Army Medical Corps] and as a psychologist treated members of the armed forces who had served in Korea. He specialized in techniques to 'deprogram' U.S. soldiers who had been prisoners of war. His methodologies and expert testimony were used to question the credibility of sexual abuse victims, to prove that the accused were innocent and that the accusers were guilty of perjury. Gardner testified in cases of sexual abuse in the context of hearings to determine custody, visitation and guardianship, and he himself explains that he developed his research over the course of his career. In other words, he directly applied the scientific method of trial and error in real-life court cases that were settled while he was still carrying out his research. When he decided to publish his theories in 1985, Garner failed to provide the scientific community with the necessary data to scientifically analyze his conclusions."(6)
Richard Gardner's books were published by Creative Therapeutics, which he himself owned. Some of his articles were published in Issues in Child Abuse Accusations, a publication of the Institute for Psychological Therapies, which is directed by Dr. Ralph Underwager who is well known for an interview in the Dutch journal Paidika […](7)
In the 1970s and 80s and prior to his publication of the parental alienation syndrome, Gardner developed the "Sex-Abuse Legitimacy Scale" (SAL Scale), which he used in his own courtroom testimony. Nonetheless, Gardner's ideological stance clearly shows that he did not view child sexual abuse as a problem, except when it is denounced.

"It is of interest that of all the ancient peoples it may very well be that the Jews were the only ones who were punitive toward [adults who had sex with children]. Early Christian proscriptions against [adult-child sex] appear to have been derived from the earlier teachings of the Jews, and our present overreaction to [adult-child sex] represents an exaggeration of Judeo-Christian principles and is a significant factor operative in Western society's atypicality with regard to such activities."(8)
"The child might be helped to appreciate the wisdom of Shakespeare's Hamlet, who said, 'Nothing's either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.'"(9)
"And her [the mother's] increased sexuality may lessen the need for her husband to return to their daughter for sexual gratification."(10)
"… except for a certain amount of sexual frustration that was not gratified, the four-year-old had not been significantly traumatized by these encounters."(11)

Elsewhere Gardner had the following to say about child sexual abuse: "The sexually abused child is generally considered to be the victim, though the child may initiate sexual encounters by 'seducing' the adult."(12) Gardner even proposes that [child sexual abuse] serves procreative purposes; he maintains that although the child cannot become pregnant, a child who is drawn into sexual encounters at an early age is likely to become highly sexualized and thus will crave sexual experiences during the prepubertal years. Such a "charged up child" is more likely to transmit his or her genes through his or her progeny at an early age. Gardner states: "The younger the survival machine at the time sexual urges appear, the longer will be the span of procreative capacity, and the greater the likelihood the individual will create more survival machines in the next generation."(13) He also recommended that the incestuous father "has to be helped to appreciate that, even today, it [adult-child sex] is a widespread and accepted practice among literally billions of people. He has to appreciate that in our Western society especially we take a very punitive and moralistic attitude toward such inclinations.… He has also had back [sic] luck with regard to the place and time he was born with regard to social attitudes toward [adult-child esx]."(14)
The two definitions of parental alienation syndrome are interesting because the first reveals that the intention of the original strategy was to minimize the devastating effects that child abuse has in the victims. However, the 2002 definition added: "When true parental abuse and/or neglect is present, the child's animosity may be justified, and so the parental alienation syndrome explanation for the child's hostility is not applicable."(15) But curiously, the indicators of parental alienation syndrome also coincide with the indicators of sexual abuse that have been established by international studies on this problem.
At the time of the revised definition, the international study of child abuse and the movement to prevent the victimization of children was much further advanced. Some examples are the five European seminars "Secrets that Destroy" held in 1998 by the Save the Children Alliance; the 1999 "Vision and Reality" reports that address women's and children's rights; and a series of later publications by experts in the matter.
Although the SAL scale has been widely disregarded as a tool for diagnosing sexual abuse, Gardner's real thoughts are evident in the above citations from his works. Both the SAL scale and parental alienation syndrome represent a scandalous violation of the human rights of women, adolescents and children.
In numerous publications, Gardner uses supposedly scientific but paradoxical arguments to rationalize his denial of violence against women, defined in the Belem do Para Convention as "a manifestation of the historically unequal power relations between women and men."(16) Making use of children, he creates a new and sophisticated form of violence against women that involves complicity of the justice system.
Gardner proposed a series of symptoms that reveal three types of parental alienation syndrome (severe, moderate and mild) and specific treatment for each type. The treatment that he proposes for parental alienation syndrome involves both legal and health-care professionals, who Gardner says should have the power to administer the appropriate treatment based on the coercion, threat, change in living arrangements and, as a last resort, the internment and "deprogramming" of the child. As Blanco Barea observes, "Parental alienation syndrome makes a fraud of the law. It makes use of the declarations against discriminations against women and of the rights of the child to protect the parent and escape the application of the Conference of Vienna that protects against torture and degrading treatment, especially in the case of women and girls, and to escape the application of the Convention on the Rights of the Child."(17)
As law professor John Myers explains, "Gardner is an outspoken critic of certain aspects of the child protection system. Apparently, Gardner believes America is in the throes of mass hysteria over child sexual abuse. He writes that 'sex-abuse hysteria is omnipresent' (True and False Accusations of Child Sex Abuse, 1992, p. xxv). In his 1991 book titled Sex Abuse Hysteria: Salem Witch Trials Revisited, Gardner is harshly critical of an unspecified portion of the mental health professionals, investigators, and prosecutors trying to protect children. For example, Gardner accuses some prosecutors of gratifying their own sexual urges and sadistic tendencies through involvement in sexual abuse cases. […] It seems clear that Richard Gardner cannot claim to be balanced or objective when it comes to allegations of child sexual abuse."(18)
Although Gardner and his theories can be questioned for their misogynist and perverse ideology, in Argentina former family court judge Eduardo Cardenas published "El abuso de las denuncias de abuso" (The Abuse of Claims of Abuse) in La Ley, on September 15, 2000. Cardenas's article supported Gardner's theories and sparked backlash in our country, which has provoked widespread reaction among well-known professionals.
Perhaps the best summary of what occurred in Argentina after 2000 is found in the book Maltrato infantil: Riesgos del compromiso profesional (Child Abuse: The Risks of Professional Commitment), a collection of essays by known specialists on the issue, edited by Silvio Lamberti. As the introduction to this book describes:

"As long as the problem was associated with the lower classes, more and more cases were reported. When it began to be suspected that family violence affected all social classes and the middle and upper classes were scrutinized, a reactionary movement used the guise of good intentions to put limits on professionals that supposedly 'abused the reports of child sexual abuse.'
"This was the reaction of:

1. Fathers who were engaged in custody battles or other legal disputes regarding visitation rights.
2. Lawyers who preached equanimity and warned against the feminist bias that they claimed had affected the reports.
3. Experts who tried to pass off the backlash literature from the U.S. as scientific evidence to support their own conclusions.

"This brutal attack tends to carry into an ideological realm a debate that crosses legal and psychosocial discourses, ethics and society as a whole and tries to undo the advances already gained, discouraging those who have worked to achieve these gains. In short, they intend to:

1. Discredit reports of child abuse.
2. Turn anyone who denounces abuse into a suspect.
3. Blur the boundaries between victim and victimizer.
4. Confuse the matter by citing the rare cases of violence against boys or adult men committed by women.
5. Discredit the specialized treatment services even though the law recognizes the value of their diagnosis.
6. Ignore constitutional norms from the Convention on Rights of the Child.

"Thus, the meaning of abusive conduct is inverted, with abuse being attributed to the person who reports the abuse and requests the fulfillment of the law.
"This reactionary backlash supports the persistence of family violence and condemns all girls and/or victims of the perpetuation of incest and abuse while attempting to stymie the legal system and the work of other professionals who until now have born the heavy burden of this process."(19)

This scientific alert went out over three years ago; nonetheless, today there are increasing obstacles to working on this issue. The notion of false reports of abuse is now firmly rooted in the courts. Sexual abuse trials are tremendous ordeals that seriously damage the children and the adults who report the crime and place a heavy burden on the professionals who take the children's part and who often face accusations of malpractice, libel or slander.
The discrediting of psychological experts is of serious concern. What started with Gardner has continued with followers who have discredited indicators, treatments, techniques and prevention campaigns. Brandishing the concept of co-construction on the part of the family members of the victims or the professionals, the testimony of the children is discredited, accused of being childhood fantasy and tale-telling.
The efforts of Gardner and his followers have been echoed by the hierarchy of the Catholic Church, an institution that claims to represent the social sexual moral but which has promoted a policy of smoke-screening sexual abuse.
The Red Latinoamericana de Catolicas por el Derecho a Decidir (Latin American Network of Catholics for the Right to Decide) has undertaken a study on the secret system of sexual abuse within the Catholic Church.(20) The ecclesiastical hierarchy always has been aware of these crimes and has implemented a policy of covering up the abuses committed by priests. This policy is summarized in the following ten points adapted from the studies carried out by the Spanish journalist Pepe Rodriguez(21) and corroborated in the studies of the Catolicas por el Derecho a Decidir:

1. Discreet investigation of the incident. The prelates of the diocese often have ecclesiastical informants, people who desire to rise in the esteem of the hierarchy through their reports. They keep the bishops abreast of the transgressions of the priests under their authority. These reports are given orally.
2. Initiation of actions to dissuade the aggressor and/or the victim(s). Once the prelate recognizes the situation of sexual abuse in which the image of the Church could be tarnished, the aggressor is rebuked. Then the bishops dedicate themselves to convincing the victims and their families, assuring them that the aggressor will be punished and that he has repented. They persuade the families to not report the crime so that no one in the Church or the family will suffer the consequences.
3. Covering up the incident and the identity of the aggressor so the case never becomes public. In this effort, acts are undertaken to confuse the matter, including transferral of the priest to another parish, bribery of the victim and their family members or the use of threats and suspension of benefits (for example, expulsion from school).
4. Measures to reinforce the cover up. When the case escapes the closed doors of the Church, the hierarch opens an internal investigation against the aggressor to defend against eventual accusations of passivity in case there is external pressure from the media or society or a civil suit. Generally, the investigation is paralyzed indefinitely. At this stage, the priest usually is transferred to another parish, another diocese or another country, depending on the situation.
5. Denial of the incident when the case becomes public, under the argument that the priest is a man of virtue heeding God's call, a holy figure who could never commit a crime of this nature. When denial is no longer possible, the matter is treated as an exception to this rule.
6. Public defense of the aggressor, stressing his good service to the Church and his personal merits. If he did do anything wrong, he is profoundly repentant and was not conscious of his acts. An appeal is made to the Christian sentiments of pardoning a repentant sinner.
7. Public discrediting of the victim(s). Rodriguez uses the metaphor of ants defending an anthill to describe the corporativist attitude of the clergy when one of its members is accused. The guilt is reversed; the victim(s) and/or their family members are blamed.
8. Paranoiac accusations of the denunciation being linked to campaigns orchestrated by "enemies of the Church." When the number of accusations is so high that discrediting the victims is not enough, the hierarchy complains that there are national or international powers or cults conspiring against the Church.
9. Possibility of negotiation with the victim. This negotiation frequently occurs before the case is made public when the intention of the Church is to buy the victim's silence to preserve the image of the institution. When there is a public scandal, the hierarchy tries to minimize the damage by trying to negotiate the withdrawal of the accusations against the aggressor.
10. Protection of the priest/aggressor. When the accused is found to be guilty, the hierarchy stands by him and in some cases even pays him homage or praises him, doing everything possible to erase the incident from the public memory.(22)

As the Church silences and covers up the abuses committed within its institutions, it resembles Gardner and his followers in that it denies the realities of domestic violence and the sexual abuse of children and adolescents and hampers investigation of these matters. Alliances with key judicial figures lead to perverse and scandalous rulings, such as the Melo Pacheco case in Mar del Plata, the Storni case Santa Fe or the stalling in the Grassi trial, to name the most notorious cases. Many others remain anonymous, which demonstrates the existence of a model that favors the impunity of the abusers, the suffering of the victims and the punishment of those who are working within the framework of human rights.
A sturdy thread connects those who deny, discredit, silence, minimize, distort and negotiate the rights of children: the perversity that has subordinated their ethics to systems of belief that are authoritarian, patriarchal and/or favor the domination of adults.
This ideological combination stacks the deck against victims who, for the most part, are children, adolescents and women. Women are the most discredited. In the cases in which priests are accused of sexual abuse, most people take their side, doubt the word of the victim(s) and even blame them or imply that the priests were victims of a conspiracy. Girl victims are not considered credible because they are presented as easily influenced, prone to fantasy or liars. If they are adolescents, their morals are questioned: it is argued that they already had had sexual relations before the abuse or are guilty of seducing their abuser.
In the case of domestic abuse, especially in cases of father-child incest, the mother is accused of maliciously attempting to distance the child from the father, inventing the abuse out of revenge or because she is hysterical or any other argument that serves to safeguard the figure of the father of the family or the Father of the parish. In both cases, the common sensibilities of the population are exploited: tolerance of male sexual behavior fed by the dominate sexual morality, which makes the argument of false reports even more credible than the martyrdom and accusations of the victims.
To compare the consequences that a child may suffer with the separation of his or her parents, even in a messy divorce, with the short- and long-term consequences of father-child abuse is a perverse strategy that denies the serious and profound attack on the victim's subjective integrity, which Jorge Barudy calls "attempted moral murder."
Parental alienation syndrome, the "malicious mother" and co-construction are non-scientific theories, and when used in the context of a trial, they violate the victim's constitutional rights as well as the Convention on the Rights of the Child, CEDAW and other agreements incorporated into our constitution in 1994.
We must remember that Richard Gardner's theories were developed in the United States through a method of trial and error that was applied directly in the courtroom in bitter divorce cases, which were ruled upon as Gardner was undertaking his research. In addition, the U.S. is one of the few countries that has neither ratified nor incorporated into its constitution the Convention on the Rights of the Child or CEDAW.
As Blanco Barea explains, in legal contexts based on human rights, those professionals who can carry out the therapy or treatment recommended by Gardner or his followers (such as "aversion therapy" plus the vicarious treatment of deprogramming and, as a precaution, the guarantee of visitation rights or the reversal of custody and/or total separation of the "alienating" parent and the "alienated" child) "are committing crimes of torture, obstruction of justice and legal fraud, and if they are related to the minors in question, they are also guilty of domestic violence."(23)
Child abuse, especially sexual abuse, is an alarming, universal problem. Increased attention and effective protection skills and prevention measures are necessary at family, local, national and international levels.
After a long tradition of silence, sexual abuse of children is being denounced more frequently and is becoming a topic for public and political discussion.
To alert governments and civil society organizations to the need to play a more active role in the promotion of and respect for the rights of the child (as put forth in article 19 and 34* of the Convention on the Rights of the Child) and to contribute to the prevention of child abuse, the Women's World Summit Foundation, WWSF, launched the World Day for Prevention of Child Abuse in 2000. The Day is commemorated every November 19 together with the anniversary of the International Day for the Rights of the Child (November 20). The objective of the World Day for Prevention of Child Abuse is to rally around the issue of child abuse and the urgent need for effective prevention programs.
To consolidate the global call for action, in 2001 WWSF launched an international NGO coalition that marks the World Day with appropriate events and activities to focus on and increase prevention education.
* For more information, visit the website of the Women's World Summit Foundation, https://www.woman.ch/children/1introduction.php.
* Art. 19 - States Parties shall take all appropriate legislative, administrative, social and educational measures to protect the child from all forms of physical or mental violence, injury or abuse, neglect or negligent treatment, maltreatment or exploitation, including sexual abuse, while in the care of parent(s), legal guardian(s) or any other person who has the care of the child.
* Art. 34 - States Parties undertake to protect the child from all forms of sexual exploitation and sexual abuse. For these purposes, States Parties shall in particular take all appropriate national, bilateral and multilateral measures to prevent:
(a) the inducement or coercion of a child to engage in any unlawful sexual activity;
(b) the exploitative use of children in prostitution or other unlawful sexual practices;
(c) the exploitative use of children in pornographic performances and materials.
The author is a psychologist, a founder of the Casa de la Mujer in Rosario, Argentina, and a longtime defender of the rights of women and children.
Notes
(1.) Selected facts and figures from various UN documents, part of the 2006 Open Letter from the Women's World Summit Foundation on the World Day for Prevention of Child Abuse, 19 November. Available online at http://www.woman.ch/children/1-openletter.php.
(2.) Alicia Ganduglia (2003) "El backlash: un nuevo factor de riesgo," in Maltrato Infantil. Riesgos del compromiso profesional, Silvio Lamberti, ed., Buenos Aires: Editorial Universidad, p. 75.
(3.) David Finkelhor (1979) Sexually Victimized Children. New York: The Free Press, p. 2.
(4.) Richard A. Gardner (1985) "Recent Trends in Divorce and Custody Litigation." Academy Forum 29:2, Summer, pp. 3-7.
(5.) Richard A. Gardner (2002) "Does DSM-IV Have Equivalents for the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) Diagnosis?" American Journal of Family Therapy, 31(1):1-21. See also Richard A. Gardner (2003) "The Parental Alienation Syndrome: Past, Present, and Future," in The Parental Alienation Syndrome: An Interdisciplinary Challenge for Professionals Involved in Divorce. W. von BochGallhau, U. Kodjoe, W Andritsky and P. Koeppel, eds. Berlin, Germany: VWB-Verlag fur Wissenshaft and Bildung, pp. 89-125.
(6.) Maria Jose Blanco Barea (2006) "El sindrome inquisitorial estadounidense de alineacion parental," p. 11. This document may be downloaded from http://www.revistaiuris.com/MISC/8618/borrador%20el%20sindrome%20inquisitorial%20del%20sap.doc.
(7.) The interview with Dr. Ralph Underwager was originally published in Paidika, Issue 9, 1993, and has been reproduced online at http://www.nostatusquo.com/ACLU/NudistHallofShame/Underwager2.html.
(8.) Richard A. Gardner (1992) True and False Accusations of Child Sex Abuse. Cresskill, New Jersey: Creative Therapeutics, pp. 46-7.
(9.) Ibid. p. 549.
(10.) Ibid. p. 585.
(11.) Ibid. p. 612.
(12.) Richard A. Gardner (1986) Child Custody Litigation: A Guide for Parents and Mental Health Professionals. Cresskill, New Jersey: Creative Therapeutics, p. 93
(13.) Richard A. Gardner (1992) pp. 24-25.
(14.) Ibid. p. 593.
(15.) See note 5.
(16.) From the Preamble to the Inter-American Convention on the Prevention, Punishment and Eradication of Violence against Women, also known as the Convention of Belem do Para, adopted by the OAS General Assembly June 9, 1994; entry into force March 5, 1995.
(17.) Maria Jose Blanco Barea (2006) p. 219.
(18.) John E. B. Myers (n.d.) "What is 'Parental Alienation Syndrome' and Why Is It So Often Used Against Mothers?" an excerpt from a forthcoming book titled A Mother's Nightmare: A Practical Legal Guide for Parents and Professionals. Available online at http://www.gate.net/~liz/fathers/pas.htm.
(19.) Maltrato Infantil. Riesgos del compromiso professional. Silvio Lamberti, ed., Buenos Aires: Editorial Universidad, 2003. The contributing authors were Maria Ines Bringioti, Cristina Caprarulo, Julio Cesar Castro, Alicia Ganduglia, Norberto Garrote, Isabel Gens, Eva Giberti, Carmen Gonzales, Irene Intebi, Victoria Irazuzta, Silvio Lamberti, Patricia Paggi, Mirta Pirozzo, Carlos Rozanski, Diana Sanz, Juan Pablo Maria Viar, Maria Cristina Vila and Juan Carlos Volnovich.
(20.) Regina Soares Jurkewicz (2005) Develando la politica del silencio: Abuso sexual de mujeres por sacerdotes en Brasil. Brazil: Red Latinoamericana de Catolicas por el Derecho a Decidir.
(21.) Pepe Rodriguez (2002) Pederastia en la Iglesia Catolica: Delitos sexuales del clero contra menores: Un drama silenciado y encubierto por los obispos. Barcelona: Ediciones B.
(22.) Regina Soares Jurkewicz (2005) pp. 20-22.
(23.) Maria Jose Blanco Barea (2006) p. 219.

"I am going to be 48 years old in a few weeks. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder since I was twenty years old. Much of my life, I have met all of the criteria of this disorder, and I have had a long, hard road ahead once it dawned on me that it was true. I have a fundamental dysfunction in my personality. I cannot cope with the world because at my core, I am unable to maintain stability as a functional adult for long periods of time due to my impulsive nature and my ability to forgive and love unconditionally. I don't know how to reconcile those traits with a healthy and successful life. My relationships are 'ride or die,' with me as the enabledoormat/reactionary drama queen. I tend to date men who need constant, obsessive attention and servitude, with them being the dominant to my submissive, their ego to my down-to-earth, and they are the Narcissist to my Borderline. I don't want to romanticize like so many JokeHarley memes, but this has been the way that it has gone for far too long.
My upbringing wasn't even close to being abusive. I was the only child, and my parents stayed married. I was sheltered, with no physical or sexual abuse; both of my parents were good people who loved me. It wasn't easy; we lacked money but never love. We struggled, but there were so many things that were different than for most people, in cool ways and in ways that were not cool. But never was I considered 'normal.'
One of the challenges of being Borderline is the difficulty in being our own therapist. Not because of this new 'favorite person' misinformation, but because we struggle with justifying anything. We see very little wrong with the way we are; we just need to know how we can make others understand that it's okay that we are intense, unpredictable in a predictable way, and humanly sensitive to everything that affects us. We insert ourselves into everything so we can let it all affect us. We claim that we didn't realize that we're supposed to change because we see no problem with the way we are; it's other people who are concerned, and we are not concerned with what people think (except when we are). So why do we have to change? It's our life, the one that is unmanageable and dysfunctional, and giving us unhoused vibes. This is still our life, and it's not easy to get through that we need to act accordingly because we don't care about your self-esteem; why do you care about ours?
So, we are often pushed into admitting that we can potentially be a little bit much. We are painted into the roles of the serial killer and the horrible Narcissistic Personality Disorder twin flame that nobody trusts because we follow our hearts (and we tend to hold grudges). Our dynamics are different, but we all follow astrology. Our sign is 'complete psycho' most of the time. I have been trying to figure out how to make it so we can get along with the world and it is not our enemy...but people keep messing up the whole situation.
People with borderline personality disorder may exhibit fear of abandonment through intense and unstable relationships. They might go to great lengths to avoid real or perceived abandonment, such as clinging to others, becoming quickly and intensely attached, or displaying extreme reactions (anger, panic, or depression) when they anticipate abandonment.
Abandonment fears can lead to impulsive actions to prevent separation or worse, therefore it's important to seek professional help for a comprehensive understanding and support. Additionally, individuals with BPD may engage in frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, such as making frantic, impulsive gestures to maintain a connection, even if those actions are not in their best interest. They might experience intense feelings of emptiness when alone and may go to extremes to fill that void. These behaviors can strain relationships, making it challenging for individuals with BPD to establish and maintain stable connections with others. Therapy, particularly dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), is often recommended to help manage and address these challenges.
Patterns of instability in borderline personality disorder (BPD) refer to consistent and recurring disruptions in various aspects of a person's life. This instability typically manifests in the following areas:

1. Relationships: Individuals with BPD often experience tumultuous relationships marked by extremes of idealization and devaluation. Their attitudes and feelings toward others may change rapidly, contributing to a cycle of intense, yet unstable, interpersonal connections.
   
2. Self-Image: BPD can involve an unstable sense of self. Individuals may struggle with a fluctuating self-identity, feeling uncertain about who they are, their values, and their life goals. This instability in self-perception can lead to a lack of direction and purpose.
   
3. Emotions: Emotional instability is a hallmark of BPD. Intense and rapidly shifting emotions, such as anger, anxiety, and sadness, can be challenging to regulate. Mood swings may occur in response to external events or perceived threats to relationships.
   
4. Impulsivity: Impulsive behaviors in areas like spending, substance abuse, reckless driving, or unsafe sexual practices are common in individuals with BPD. These actions often stem from a desire to alleviate emotional distress or avoid perceived abandonment.
   

These patterns of instability can significantly impact a person's daily functioning and relationships, making it crucial for individuals with BPD to seek professional help for effective management and support. In the context of borderline personality disorder (BPD), impulsivity refers to engaging in behaviors without careful consideration of the consequences. Individuals with BPD may display impulsive actions in various areas of their lives, such as:

1. Spending: Reckless and impulsive spending, often beyond one's means, is common in individuals with BPD.
   
2. Substance Abuse: Engaging in impulsive and risky behaviors related to substance use, including alcohol and drugs.
   
3. Sexual Behavior: Unplanned and impulsive sexual encounters, sometimes without regard for potential consequences, can occur.
   
4. Reckless Driving: Impulsive and risky driving behaviors, such as speeding or dangerous maneuvers.
   
5. Self-Harm: Engaging in impulsive self-harming behaviors as a way to cope with intense emotions.
   

Impulsivity in BPD can be driven by a desire to alleviate emotional pain, boredom, or to avoid perceived abandonment. Developing coping strategies and emotional regulation skills through therapy, particularly dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), can be beneficial in managing impulsive behaviors associated with BPD.
Identity disturbance in borderline personality disorder (BPD) refers to a pervasive and unstable sense of self. Individuals with BPD may struggle with a coherent and consistent understanding of who they are, which can manifest in several ways:

1. Self-Image Fluctuations: A person with BPD may experience rapid shifts in self-perception, ranging from feeling exceptionally positive to extremely negative about themselves. This can occur within short periods.
   
2. Uncertainty About Goals and Values: Individuals with identity disturbance may have difficulty establishing and maintaining long-term goals or consistent values. They might struggle with defining their life direction and purpose.
   
3. Chameleon-Like Adaptation: Some individuals with BPD may adopt different personas or behaviors in different social situations, often as a means to fit in or avoid rejection. This can lead to a lack of stable and authentic self-expression. Intense Fear of Abandonment: The fear of abandonment can exacerbate identity issues, as individuals may shape their identity based on the perceived expectations or desires of others, leading to a lack of a stable core sense of self.
   

Addressing identity disturbance in BPD often involves therapeutic interventions, such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) or psychodynamic therapy. These approaches aim to help individuals explore and develop a more stable and authentic sense of self.
Dissociation in borderline personality disorder (BPD) refers to a coping mechanism where individuals disconnect from their thoughts, feelings, memories, or sense of identity. This disconnection can occur as a response to stress, trauma, or overwhelming emotions. Dissociative experiences in BPD may include:

1. Depersonalization: Feeling detached from oneself, as if observing from outside the body.
   
2. Derealization: Perceiving the external environment as unreal or distorted.
   
3. Amnesia: Gaps in memory, especially related to stressful events or periods of intense emotion.
   
4. Identity Confusion: Momentary lapses in awareness of one's identity or feeling unsure about who they are.
   

Dissociation serves as a way for individuals with BPD to manage distress, particularly when emotions become too overwhelming. However, it can interfere with daily functioning and contribute to difficulties in relationships. Therapy, especially approaches like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and trauma-focused therapy, may help individuals develop healthier coping mechanisms and address dissociative experiences.
Certainly, here are some examples of dissociative experiences that individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may encounter:

1. Depersonalization: Feeling as though you are watching yourself from a distance, almost like being an observer rather than an active participant in your own life.
   
2. Derealization: Perceiving the external world as strange, unreal, or distorted. You may be on a heavy trip off mushrooms and wandering around the closet park in the middle of the night feels different when you are over 40. It hits different, and you can get in a lot more trouble than experimenting teenagers. You're not holding a job long under these circumstances.
   
3. Amnesia: Having periods of time where you cannot recall significant details or events, especially those associated with heightened emotional states or trauma. If you are being sedated for trying to call the same number over and over at three am because you desperately need to move to
   
4. Identity Confusion: Brief moments of not recognizing oneself or feeling uncertain about personal identity, values, or goals. Taking in the attributes of your signiotg
   

It's important to note that dissociative experiences can vary widely among individuals, and not everyone with BPD will necessarily experience these examples. If you or someone you know is experiencing dissociation or other symptoms associated with BPD, seeking professional help from a mental health practitioner is crucial for appropriate diagnosis and support.
Suicidal ideation in borderline personality disorder (BPD) involves persistent thoughts about death, dying, or the desire to end one's life. Individuals with BPD may experience varying degrees of suicidal thoughts, ranging from fleeting notions to detailed plans. Some aspects of suicidal ideation in BPD include:

1. Frequency and Intensity: Suicidal ideation can be a chronic feature, with thoughts occurring regularly or intermittently. The intensity can range from vague thoughts to detailed plans.
   
2. Impulsivity: Individuals with BPD may be prone to impulsive behaviors, and this impulsivity can extend to suicidal acts or self-harming behaviors during periods of emotional distress.
   
3. Sense of Hopelessness: Suicidal thoughts in BPD can be linked to a pervasive sense of hopelessness, often fueled by challenges in relationships, identity, and emotional regulation.
   
4. Coping Mechanism: For some, suicidal ideation may serve as a coping mechanism, providing a perceived escape from emotional pain or a means to regain control.
   

Addressing suicidal ideation in BPD requires immediate attention from mental health professionals. Therapeutic interventions, such as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can be effective in helping individuals manage intense emotions and develop healthier coping strategies. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, it's crucial to seek help from a mental health professional or a crisis hotline immediately.
Mood swings in borderline personality disorder (BPD) are characterized by rapid and intense changes in emotional states. These fluctuations can occur in response to various triggers or even without apparent cause. Key aspects of mood swings in BPD include:

1. Intensity: Emotions can shift from one extreme to another rapidly, with individuals experiencing intense feelings of joy, anger, sadness, or anxiety.
   
2. Instability: The duration of mood swings can be brief, lasting only a few hours or days. This instability contributes to the challenge of predicting or managing emotional states.
   
3. Triggered by Interpersonal Events: Mood swings in BPD often correlate with interpersonal stressors, such as perceived rejection, criticism, or the fear of abandonment.
   
4. Impact on Relationships: The intensity and unpredictability of mood swings can strain relationships, as others may find it challenging to understand or respond to the rapidly changing emotional landscape.
   

Therapeutic approaches, particularly dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), focus on helping individuals with BPD recognize and regulate their emotions, providing skills to manage mood swings effectively.
The term "Cluster B" refers to one of the four personality disorder clusters outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Cluster B personality disorders share certain features, including dramatic, emotional, and erratic behaviors. This grouping includes the following personality disorders:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Characterized by instability in relationships, self-image, and emotions, along with impulsive and self-destructive behaviors.
   
2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): Involves an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, and a lack of empathy for others.
   
3. Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD): Characterized by a disregard for the rights of others, impulsivity, deceitfulness, and a lack of remorse after harming others.
   
4. Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD): Involves a need for attention, dramatic and seductive behavior, and intense emotions that may be perceived as shallow.
   

These personality disorders within Cluster B share some common traits, such as difficulties in forming and maintaining relationships, impulsivity, and emotional dysregulation. However, each disorder within the cluster has distinct features and diagnostic criteria. The clustering is a way to organize and understand patterns of personality pathology for diagnostic and treatment purposes.
Diagnosing borderline personality disorder (BPD) typically involves a comprehensive assessment by a mental health professional. Several tools and methods are used to gather information, including:

1. Clinical Interviews: A mental health professional conducts thorough interviews to assess the individual's symptoms, emotional experiences, and history of relationships. These interviews may involve discussions about mood, identity, impulsivity, and interpersonal difficulties.
   
2. Diagnostic Criteria: The assessment often involves evaluating the individual against established diagnostic criteria, such as those outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Meeting specific criteria is essential for a formal diagnosis.
   
3. Structured Interviews: Mental health professionals may use structured interviews designed to elicit specific information related to BPD symptoms. These interviews help standard ize the diagnostic process.
   
4. Self-Report Questionnaires: Individuals may be asked to complete self-report questionnaires designed to assess various aspects of personality, emotional experiences, and interpersonal functioning.
   
5. Collateral Information: Information from family members, close friends, or other relevant sources may be considered to gain a more comprehensive understanding of the individual's behavior and relationships.
   

It's important to note that a diagnosis of BPD should be made by a qualified mental health professional based on a thorough assessment. Early diagnosis and intervention are crucial for individuals with BPD to receive appropriate treatment and support.
Here's the continuation of the edited text:
Cluster B Personality Disorder #clusterb #clusterbs #bpd-dbt #dbt #fearofabandonment #linean
This revised version addresses spelling, grammar, and ensures clarity in expression. Let me know if there are any further edits or adjustments you'd like to make!

1. **

My 5th grader just completed her standardized testing after ~3 months of homeschooling. We part time homeschool. We are in Minnesota, she took the Stanford-Ten (Pearson) as assigned by our district. I don’t oppose standardized testing, I like to know my kids are making progress and I do not “teach to the test” or have more than 1-2 days of practice. I do teach to Common Core with emphasis on knowledge over skills so I expect my kids to test pretty well and they do.
She leaped forward in reading comprehension, vocabulary, and math; all 10th - 11th grade or PHS, all 90-99th percentile. Stellar in Science and Social Studiss as well. We worked extra hard on advanced math so she can apply to a special high school in 2 years that requires this as well as a letter of recommendation from a math teacher and I am pleased she met her learning goal for this year in that subject and also did stellar in reading and vocab.
Then comes “Language Expression” and Spelling…she scored average to below average, with the LE category at grade level 3.2. This category is syntax, grammar, sentence structure. This is slightly lower than the start of the academic year and the dip may have come from my husband’s anxiety that she had to complete her testing in a timely manner as he felt she took too long in math (she double-checked every answer). He told her to “go with your gut and answer the first thing” and she pushed through this section quickly.
With that said, these are her first/best answers. Dad is severely dyslexic and she has his reading brain, not mine, so the odds that she has less severe dyslexia are high. We have always known this and worked soooo hard on phonics and decoding but it simply does not click. Her aptitude and intelligence is obviously there. At this point her 7 year old sister (who received all the same phonics education) is a better speller and word decoder than she is as well as a faster reader (we place no value on reading quickly, I am just stating facts).
Once the word is properly pronounced she has no issue defining the word and using it properly, it’s just the mechanics of spelling that are throwing her off and apparently punctuation/grammar is a major issue as well—I suspect her brain wasn’t picking up on details like comma and apostrophe placement.
She’s been in public school about 30% of the time from 1st grade to present, we were always able to keep her just at grade level in language sections but I think she still needs a lot of intervention going forward.
Next year she’ll be in public middle school and I want her to have a 504 plan. My husband did NOT have this, and kept his accommodations private in university (he used software to speed-read for him including scanning software for handouts/textbooks). He did have formal testing at a “reading center” that also gave him tutoring around the same age but in the early 90’s 504 plans were less common and dyslexia was stigmatized. He dealt with intense anxiety and shame about his dyslexia. He is very diligent about keeping his skill up, reading 30 minutes a day on a kindle with special Dyslexia font but the vast majority of his “reading” is audiobooks because reading is a literal headache. He’s also a successful author who has written over a million words with hundreds of happy reviewers rating his books > 4.5 stars so objectively (not just according to his wife) he has a real talent for language, his brain just works differently. When he writes he uses regular software but Grammarly detects his homophones and he uses read-aloud software for editing.
I don’t want my child getting low grades and feeling ashamed for having a brain that works differently, especially knowing that some of her limitations CANNOT simply be “overcome.” Like her dad, she’ll always read slower and with some difficulty with things like spelling and homophones. I’m not saying she shouldn’t work on these areas, just that there is a lot of hogwash in public schools that suggests one can just “work harder” and “be better”—if she has a learning disability that comes with real limitations. I would much rather she have accommodations, including more time to read things and modified assignments. I will continue to do targeted interventions at home.
In my state I have to see a psychologist for this testing, it seems rather intense and expensive and I am worried because she is competent in reading comprehension she might end up being too mild for a diagnosis. I am not sure I will be able to get a 504 without this, but she is asking for middle school not homeschool and I feel strongly without a 504 the transition might shatter her academic confidence.
Thoughts? Tips?

Hi everyone,
Wondering if anyone is in a similar position? 42, F, fit, no prior health issues. Since January I have been short of breath, mostly an air hunger feeling, can't get a deep breath. Does not get exacerbated by exercise. At first it followed a bit of a pattern where I will have a week of mild SOB then a week of intense symptoms (tight chest, throat, really hard to breathe) and this will affect my sleeping as it's particularly bad at night. I was put on steroids for this. Then after a week I'll start sleeping better and gradually improve, only for the cycle to start again.
I've been on a steroid inhaler since January and Ventolin as needed. The last few weeks it has been steady meaning not getting better or worse. Still feeling that air hunger but not needing the rescue inhaler.
At first Doctor said reactive airways ( I experienced something similar 12 and 14 years ago but only for a short time). However due to the length and severity of some of my symptoms he sent me for lung function test which I will get the results Tuesday for possible asthma diagnosis. Blood tests were fine and chest x-ray clear when I had them done in January. Also cleared for common allergies like pollen, dust mites, animal dander etc. I'm also waiting on results of further blood tests for hormones, H pylori, iron deficiency and a host of other things.
The problem is despite keeping a food diary and tracking where I have been I can not pinpoint what is actually causing this. Doctor said sometimes it's unknown, could be the pollution in the air, effects of secondhand cigarette smoke (child of the 80/90s where smoking was permitted in pubs etc).
In trying to narrow things down I am left with possibly:
-Silent reflux (no symptoms of GERD, except occasional bloating) -Anxiety ( I don't feel anxious, well I didn't until this all started ) -Allergies ( food or other wise) -Nose breathing issues possibly drying out my airways through mouth breathing esp during sleep (I broke my nose quite badly in December, had it fixed back into place but septum is still clearly deviated). I have been practicing nose breathing. -unknown ( cold air or something else) -viral
I am anxious that I don't know if/when this will ever get better and what to avoid to minimise severity of symptoms. I've lost 4 kg since January with the stress of it and loss of appetite when it's at its worse.
Anyone else in the position where they don't know their triggers?
Thanks for listening to my story.

I'm (23F) 95% sure I have ADHD. I was diagnosed with autism as a child and thought that was enough such that I knew why I do certain things. I didn't think I'd need another diagnosis and subsequent treatment but I'm literally ruining my life by not being able to write consistently when it comes to essay writing. I was supposed to have a referral today but postponed. A bit upset about this as I should have gone and I live in the UK so I'm not expecting anything back for about 2 years idk.
I'm not on medication. Tried sertraline but I think my main problem is focusing and sertraline doesn't really help with that. I've skimmed through some posts here and I feel really behind in my development towards being a functioning member in society.
I'm failing at uni. It's taking me 5 years to do a 3 year course. When I feel I'm improving, it turns out to be false hope. Yes I've had support from uni but I can't stay on track when I'm left to my own devices. I wish I could do it alone and be independent. I don't want to feel helpless, but I do. I don't know what else I could do with my life as I tend to feel lost how to go about reaching goals. I feel embarrassed and this makes me withdraw from people. If this is ADHD, I feel to weak to continue. I can't wait until I'm in my 30s for diagnosis and treatment. I'm disorganised, tardy, scatterbrained and I keep relapsing into depression.
How do I possibly go on 2-3 years unmedicated without thinking of the worst?

I hope this isn't a dumb question - I am the parent of a fourth grade girl who was diagnosed with dyslexia recently and this is all pretty new to me. I hope I'm missing something, actually, because I'm confused and pissed and sad.
This ended up being longer than my single question - I guess I am actually really pissed off and sad about the last nine months in general, and I am completely open to any feedback, advice, or ideas about what to do now and how to help my kid. This is the first time I wrote all of this down and the irony of writing a novel on a dyslexia subreddit is not lost on me.
I'm leaving it lol.
Cora has always been brilliant and weird and loud, but over the last few years, it became apparent that she was having a harder time....stopping. Stopping talking, stopping moving, stopping yelling - it was just endless and exhausting for everyone around her. (Except at school. She is and was perfectly behaved at school - she has literally never gotten so much as a note home about goofing off in class.) Cora hit a wall in third grade - the hyperactivity was finally wearing her out, too, and annoying her friends. She finally asked for some help slowing down.
She was tested for ADHD and the general host of common mental health conditions last fall, and to no one's surprise, was diagnosed with ADHD-combined type, as well as anxiety symptoms that the psychologist described as significant enough to warrant a GAD diagnosis…but that she strongly suspected were a perfectly rational reaction to the very real problems Cora’s impulsiveness caused in her life.
This was exactly my experience as someone diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. It turns out that the consequences of constantly losing my car keys, forgetting appointments, and impulsively spending money I didn’t have were making me anxious and stressed, not the other way around. I had expected similar results for Cora and I was glad this was happening now - she could skip the years of totally ineffective treatment and misdiagnoses that I went through before being diagnosed and successfully treated.
What we were not expecting at all was the additional diagnosis of "specific learning disorder with reading impairment" noted in the report. I had no idea what this meant. The psychologist did not use the word "dyslexia" in her written evaluation, a decision which resulted in another 8 months of confusion and (probably unnecessary) testing detailed below. She explained to us that Cora could have dyslexia, but that her testing wasn't granular enough to be sure - that there was a chance it was "something else" and the SLD diagnosis was an umbrella term that covered both dyslexia and conditions unknown. (I have no idea what she was referring to and the general weirdness about using the word dyslexia was something I noticed with the school, too. I am still confused by this and other interactions where I get the distinct feeling people aren’t telling me something important.)
It was almost September, so the psychologist recommended pursuing testing with the school; this seemed to be a reasonable next step. They would test Cora and determine exactly what was going on, if anything. This whole part of the report was very much characterized as an incidental finding - something to follow up on, but nothing alarming given Cora’s history of good grades.
"Maybe she was just tired after a long day of testing,” the doctor explained. “But it also seemed like she wasn't hearing certain letters correctly." Years of speech therapy had helped Cora correct all but a few minor issues - but combined with this potential reading issue, maybe an audiologist should test her again. Get her hearing tested, start medication for ADHD, and see what the school says about her reading - that was the plan, no big deal.
I wasn't worried, but I figured it couldn't hurt to see what other help was available. I learned that we have a branch of a big tutoring nonprofit in our city that offers Orton-Gillingham instruction at no charge - something I soon realized would cost hundreds of dollars per month at other centers. Free is good! I submitted Cora's application and the report from the psychologist (with the ADHD/GAD/SLD all clearly noted)….and we got a rejection letter a week later in the mail. Cora didn't qualify because the tutoring was specific to dyslexia, and the SLD with reading impairment was not the same as a formal dyslexia diagnosis. Fair enough, I thought - I figured we'd get the testing done through her school and could reapply if the result was a dyslexia diagnosis.
That....was naïve, lol. But the psychologist made it sound like a total non-issue, something schools did all the time. I sent the school psychologist and teachers the report before school even started, since surely they would want to schedule all of this right away! I didn’t hear anything for a few weeks – the start of the school year must be such a busy time, after all – but raised it again, report in hand, at a meeting with Cora’s teacher in late September.
“You….really want to try to avoid putting a label on things too quickly,” she told me, in a tone that implied there was much more that she was not saying. “She seems to be doing quite well in class. Let’s see how she does on the standardized tests we’re finishing this week and go from there.” I was definitely aware that I was missing something, but it seemed reasonable to wait for Cora’s test results if they would help inform next steps. Cora scored well above average, as usual; shortly after receiving these scores, the school psychologist emailed me to let me know that no further testing was warranted.
I still felt like I was missing something – spoiler alert, I was – but there didn’t seem to be anything else left to do. They're the experts and were totally unconcerned – only positive news - and Cora’s new ADHD meds seemed to be really helping. After that, everything did seem to be okay at school for a while. Cora liked her teachers and was doing well.
Everything was copacetic…except for the fact that Cora’s anxiety seemed to be getting worse without any tangible explanation. She complained about fourth grade being a lot harder, but again – her grades were fine, she was perfectly behaved, she liked her teachers….it was difficult to identify any problem that needed solving. Soon, Cora started getting home and isolating herself in her room for over an hour every day. She seemed stressed. Worn out. This went on for months.
And then she had her first panic attack on a Sunday night, seemingly out of nowhere. She wanted a mental health day Monday and was back in school Tuesday, seemingly her normal self.
The next Sunday, she had another panic attack, and this one was much, much worse. She lost control of her bladder. I was close to taking her to the ER. It was scary. That's when it all came out. She was DREADING school - her two hours of ELA in the mornings had become “torture.” She was white-knuckling it through the reading, writing, and spelling work, totally clueless as to why it seemed so much harder for her than for other kids, but so determined to get good grades that she had just burned. the. fuck. OUT.
She was home for days after this. The school tried to dismiss my concerns at first - it couldn't have been that bad, I was told. To be fair, my concerns were vague because I still didn’t understand the real issues or how to help Cora, either. Cora was clearly unwell and adamantly refused to return to school. I started putting everything in formal, written letters emailed to all of her teachers, the school psychologist, and everyone else who seemed potentially relevant. I told them I wasn't sending her back until they did something to try to figure out what was going on in ELA.
That was mid-February. We had a meeting before I would agree to send Cora back, where they talked about putting together the "interdisciplinary team" to conduct "extensive classroom observation.” They insisted that this process would take at least 60 days to complete. Cora reports that there have been three days where someone has essentially come to her ELA class and stared at her while she works.
We weren’t just waiting for the school, though. After the psych eval last summer, we had been slowly working through additional evaluations and appointments related to Cora’s hearing, speech, and language abilities. Basically, we were working our way from Cora's ears into different regions of her brain, trying to catch problems along the path that sound waves traveled - entering Cora's head as vibrations in her ear canals, winding into her brain as phenomes, assembling into a stream of recognizable words, converting into meaning in entirely different areas of her brain, and eventually emerging again via her speech. I had no idea so many tiny things could go wrong in that process, but they can - and we can get pretty damn granular in order to figure that shit out when there’s a potential problem. Cora had some weird results here and there - we now know that overlapping speech is basically her Kryptonite, which explains a lot of meltdowns at family gatherings over the years. But on the whole, her ears and her brain are doing fine, and she doesn't have autism, either.
We had been lucky to get hooked up with the best child development team in the area - they were wonderful, and the process of more testing and visits seemed to reassure Cora (and us, honestly) that there was more help on the horizon, more answers soon. She started low-dose Zoloft for the anxiety and seemed a little happier; her anxiety about school was starting to morph into resignation and frustration, which actually seemed healthier in a way. "It takes time," they tell us. Her breakdown was in February. They wanted to see the report from the most recent evaluations. Fair enough; although it is not lost on me that I am paying an outside team to do the school's job, at least it's getting done.
Two weeks ago, we finally got the team's report - and the written words, "developmental dyslexia." The lead psychologist is going to meet with the 504 team at her school - he is wonderful and immediately understood so many of Cora's concerns and needs. I'm not exactly optimistic, but it's at least possible that this may result in accommodations/extra help in school. Cora thinks he walks on water and is so excited that he's going to "stand up for" her.
The report is detailed and confirmed a lot of what we suspected. She's a really bright kid - IQ around 120 with sky high mathematics and nonverbal problem-solving scores. She apparently discussed "conundrums that are complex and abstract in nature" during her sessions, with a "recognition that there is not necessarily a solution" to these mysterious issues. (LMAO....this is my weird and wonderful kid.) The report describes Cora as "delightful" - funny, self aware, and highly motivated to learn.
Her reading comprehension score was in the 90th percentile, essay composition in the 70th - spelling scores came in at the 25th percentile, which was no surprise. Pseudoword decoding was poor - she's in the 14th percentile - and it got worse from there. Cora has an oral reading fluency in the 9th percentile, a basic reading score in the 7th percentile, and a word reading score in the 4th percentile.
In fact, the essay composition score was the only "average" score among dozens of measures of her reading, writing, and language abilities - comprehension was universally excellent and decoding was universally abysmal. It was hard to read. It felt like a gut punch - looking at the single-digit scores, I finally realized the insane degree of effort it must have taken to finish her work and look happy doing it.
The developmental psychologist leading the team told us that it was unusual to see that stark of a difference - that the severity of her impairments are usually associated with average comprehension scores at best. I have tried to wade through research about these instruments, but decided to take his word for it. Typically, the deficits in her basic reading skills would set off a chain reaction of lower scores down the line - but Cora had brought her grades and tests scores up from an already high start at the beginning of the year.
"It's no wonder her anxiety symptoms are increasing - she's completely exhausted," he said. "Imagine what she could achieve with the right kind of help."
I realized then why Cora's high scores and good grades, so impressive to everyone else, were such a source of consternation for her. That chain reaction was still happening, getting in the way of what she was actually capable of achieving. She knew it, even if the rest of us didn't - she could do better with the right kind of help.
I honestly feel sick thinking about it. She never told anyone she was struggling, never asked for help - not from us, not from anyone at school, heck not from her former-literacy-teacher grandma. No one had any idea. My husband and I had actually encouraged her to slow down a little in the weeks before her panic attacks, just out of a general sense that something was brewing despite her repeated insistence she was doing fine. Turn in the worksheet a day late, three sentences is plenty, relax. Unthinkable, Cora insisted, she was fine.
So she's back at school, nothing has changed other than the glacially slow 504 process of "observation" occurring in the background sometimes, but she seems to be a bit less stressed. I can't tell if getting pissed off about the situation is helping her deal with it, if the Zoloft is taking the edge off, or if she's just masking harder now. Maybe all three. 18 more days of school and Cora is counting. them. down. Her teachers and support staff seem generally bewildered by the idea she is or was ever struggling. They were caught totally off guard when I abruptly pulled her out of school until we at least got them to commit to the 504 process – but we had been blindsided too. They saw a happy kid who was thriving academically until her parents pulled her out of school and started a process that no one seems particularly committed to finishing. Sometimes I think they don't believe us at all. Maybe I would feel the same way in their shoes, I don’t know. I think they’ll listen to the doctor.
The entire point of this post, though, was to ask about Cora’s second rejection from the local tutoring program. With summer approaching and the diagnosis of dyslexia (versus maybe-dyslexia, maybe-whatever-else-could-be-included-under-the-SLD-“umbrella”, which I am still unsure is even a thing), I've been looking into all sorts of options for tutoring. Summer is a good opportunity to try to start getting Cora some meaningful help without adding yet another thing to her plate. She's excited. We can build some tools before next year - if we know what works for her, we can be better advocates from Day 1.
So I resubmitted Cora's application - I still had my original email and I just attached the shiny new report to that, explaining where to find the magic D word that I fully expected would finally open a door where Cora could get the right kind of help. This new report was more granular with reading testing, but the dyslexia diagnosis was the one really substantive change. It included Cora's ADHD and anxiety diagnoses, as did the report I submitted with our initial application, but with new information about medication and treatment for these issues - progress!
(I would like to point out at this point that ADHD and anxiety are firmly established as two of the most common comorbid diagnoses for kids with dyslexia, and that anxiety symptoms in particular can occur because of the challenges caused by dyslexia. My daughter had full-blown panic attacks at 10 years old largely because she struggles to FUCKING READ and no one was helping her. I know I am preaching to what little choir is likely left at this point in my novel. But especially as someone who was medicated/treated for depression and anxiety for 20 years before anyone agreed to test for, diagnose, and treat the ADHD symptoms that were causing me to regularly fuck up my life in really depressing and stressful ways…..this chicken and egg shit really hits a nerve.)
Anyhoo, it had taken 8 months and a lot of work, but I had finally done this one cool thing for her - Cora was going to get the right kind of help. The school year is almost over, but at least we had this one success. The obstacle that I’m still not sure was warranted in the first place – the lack of the word dyslexia in the initial evaluation – had been checked off what was now a giant list of obstacles in Cora's path.
And thanks to the generosity of people who had probably heard and experienced a lot of similar, frustrating stories, our family could focus on paying off the bills accumulated in the process of getting to this point instead of adding more to the pile. Free is always good, but sometimes free is a godsend.
Twelve hours later, Cora was denied again, this time via a brief email simply noting the GAD diagnosis in both reports. "Our tutors are not trained to work with children who are diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorders" and they "cannot meet her needs."
That was it. No further explanation. Just…fuck your anxious baby girl who is trying so hard and fuck you for trying. NEXT!
Oh, and P.S., fuck the really significant percentage of kids with dyslexia with comorbid anxiety diagnoses who are incredibly well researched and described in just…all of the fucking literature. Just all of it, honestly, for decades. Fuck those kids too.
People seem to treat the word "dyslexia" like it's the only thing that matters sometimes but also not something that should be ever said in other contexts, AND I'm pretty fucking sure that "SLD with reading impairment" is essentially equivalent to the word dyslexia because no one can explain what else might be under that "umbrella," and apparently it's nigh impossible to get meaningful help for my daughter through the public school systems anywhere in America, and giant nonprofits care about kids with dyslexia so much, but not the anxious ones, better lock the doors before those crybabies get their needs all over our tutoring center!
We will figure out how to pay for help for Cora, that’s a given.
But honest to fucking god, have you guys just been putting up with this shit the whole time? I'm so sorry.

TW: Preterm birth, Severe Pre-eclampsia, long Hospital stay, very difficult C-Section, NICU baby, positive outcome
It’s taken me a while to get things together enough to write this. Galen joined the world April 29th at 10:51pm, born 33 weeks 3 days, weighing in at 3 lbs 13 oz and 16.5”. It’s a really long post too. I put an additional trigger warning down by the C-Section part. A lot of things went poorly, but nothing that ever put me or the baby at risk. It was just brutally unpleasant. Feel free to skip that part. I didn’t want to leave it out because that really was part of his birth story and one thing I have loved about this group is being able to be real when stuff gets hard.
I don’t know how to start this without saying that we struggled for 4 years with fertility treatments. He was IVF with a donor egg. This was my 6th pregnancy, and our very first living child, so the fact that there is a little nugget all wrapped up safe and happy for us at the NICU is enough to make me melt down ugly crying. I know so many of you here can relate to this. There just aren’t enough words to capture all the feels. His original due date was my 46th birthday, and this is one gift I don’t mind getting a little bit early.
The pregnancy was going along fairly uneventfully, I had placenta Previa, but no bleeding or anything. I aced my Glucose test. March 27th, I started to notice some pretty severe edema building up in my legs and feet at the end of the day. I was also getting winded really easily, coughing when I layed down. The next week was filled with new symptoms and multiple negative Pre-E labs, a heart Echo. Finally Friday April 5th my Edema was next level (textbook apparently), I had gained 10 lbs over the week. I got a headache and I didn’t sleep a wink, headache turned into a Migraine, we went into L&D at 5AM April 6th just in case thinking that I would be home in a few hours. They ran the labs again and I had the protein in the urine, Pre-E diagnosis with severe features was made and after 18 hours in Triage, I was finally transferred to another hospital nearby that could handle an infant as young as Galen, he would have been 30 Weeks 1 day. They started me on Magnesium drip and steroid shots for baby development. I found out that I would not be leaving the hospital until he was born, and they were going to try and stretch it out as long as they could, with a goal of 34 weeks. It was touch and go that first week trying to get my health under control, and they almost delivered him several times. They did eventually get me stable and we settled in for the long wait in the hospital Antepartum unit. Things started to get a little bit funky April 26th with his NSTs not looking as good and my blood pressure started to get weird, my Edema was coming back strong. We got him another round of Steroid Shots, and got me off the Anticoagulants so we were ready for delivery. Galen was the most active of his pregnancy all day on April 29th, he was just ready to come into the world, so when my blood pressure spiked again that evening, we got me back on the magnesium drip and did a C-section. He was still transverse, so Induction wasn’t an option.
****Trigger Warning*******: scroll down to the ** trigger over ** marker to skip the C-section part
The next part didn’t go that well. When they finally wheeled me back to the OR to get me set up for the Spinal/epidural before my partner could come in, I just started shaking really badly. I know some of the shaking was from the Magnesium drip, but I was suddenly unexpectedly terrified and tears were just streaming down my face which lasted pretty much the whole time. I had been in the unit for almost a month, so I knew the staff/nurses and they tried to make me feel better. They got me on the table and then finally my husband was able to come in. Unfortunately, the spinal didn't numb me evenly. It had gone up as far as needed on the one side, but not the other, so I wasn’t quite totally numb at my boobs on my right side. They offered to try and sedate me more, but then It would take me longer to try and see my baby and give me a bunch of extra drugs that weren’t the best for baby. We decided it was fine, and it should have been still been high enough for complete pain control even on the low side. The procedure seemed like it took forever and my spouse there was the only thing that was saving me. I expected tugging and pulling, but not this. I could feel tons of pressure literally way up into my rib cage. It felt like someone digging though the bottom of a duffle bag trying to find something for a loooong time. I heard someone comment, “Wow, you’re really reaching up in there”. It turns out that at some point in the pregnancy, my Uterus had turned heart shaped. I guess it stretched out unevenly because it wasn’t that way before. Anyway, Galen was kinda stuck transverse with his head in one lobe, feet in the other lobe and butt down. Because of the uterus shape not being a totally open cavity, it was very hard for the Dr. to get him turned around to pull him out. That’s why there was so much pressure for so long so far up in my chest. It started to really hurt and I had them stop the procedure while they upped my pain relief. It knocked me out a little more but then the nausea hit HARD. they gave me even more nausea meds but I started dry heaving while they were still trying to get the baby out (and still crying). It was such a relief when he was born. My husband just kept my eye contact and held my hand, talking and keeping my focus. Holding the stupid puke bag and he was my saving light in there. He let them take care of Galen, and eventually they brought him over and placed him where I could see him by my side just for a minute before he was swept off to the NICU. I had opted to have my tubes out as well, which just prolonged everything, so I regretted opting to have them done at the same time(no regret in getting it done). It went pretty standard after that and they sewed me up.
****Trigger Over*******
My husband stayed until I was sewed up and in the recovery room before going down to see Galen in the NICU. After 2 hours they wheeled my bed down to his room where I got to see him for about 20 minutes of skin to skin. Then I had to go back to my room for 24 hours on the magnesium drip. I was able to facetime with him a little bit, and the next two days are a bit of a blur with being woken up at minimum every hour for one thing or another. They let me out of the hospital 4 days later. And we are continuing to manage my blood pressure and Pre-E at home through the online portal.
Galen is doing great, he was able to breathe room air right away. On Friday May third, he turned 34 weeks and they transferred Galen back to a hospital closer to our house that has a level 2 NICU. He is off his IV and taking his feedings and vitamins well. He doesn’t fuss or complain, he just sleeps and eats, and he is so perfect I could just melt. I am still struggling a little bit with having a Baby in the NICU and not being able to see him all the time without just living in the NICU. I straight up had a panic attack one morning because it was taking us too long to get back to the hospital and I was sure he needed me. (he didn't, the nurses are wonderful). I'm working on getting the milk supply up and before you know it, he is up to 4 lbs, taking a bottle and on track to coming home with us.
I will end this how I started by just saying how happy and lucky and special we feel to have baby Galen after all the heartbreak the past 4 years have brought us. He was worth every little bit of the trauma that got him here. I can't wait to see him grow up.

Hello,
I made a throwaway account for my child’s privacy.
But I’ve been down a rabbit hole looking at systemic mastocytosis, and want to know what journeys people have been on.
My son is four. In the last 2.5 years he’s been hospitalized 3 times, and to emergency a handful of times. We have asthma/allergy clinic active. Also now ENT and soon to follow GI for suspected eosinophilic esophagitis. He definitely has allergies. He’s allergic to peas and about 20 environmental allergies such as trees, weeds, dogs, cats, etc.
He’s had severe bouts of swelling, rashes, nasal, respiratory symptoms, swallowing issues, bloody noses are constant, and bouts of diarrhea that seem to come on I’m allergy season. We’ve seen lots of specialists in the hospital, and asthma/allergy writes him off as seasonal allergies. However, he just had another flare up of symptoms starting Sunday night after playing outside for a few hours. His symptoms were almost to the point of me wanting to bring him to ER. He was short of breath, runny nose, eyes swollen shut, coughing, rash, stomach pain, broken blood vessels in his eyes, petechiae around his eyes, and hives. I have multiple food allergy kids and by FARE standards for food allergy, he was “anaphylactic”. I gave a double dose of Benadryl and it helped at least calm his breathing within a short while. I stayed on the Benadryl every four hours for several days. His swallowing difficulties have gotten worse with allergies the last few weeks and he had another choking episode last night.
My question is, in regards to controlling symptoms as well as diagnosis and talking to doctors. We’ve tried a wide bunch of antihistamines, at one point he was on 15mg twice a day of Zyrtec which seemed to do nothing. Xyzal seemed ineffective as well. He’s been on Claritin daily for the last year, and allergist just had us increase dose and give twice a day, on top of pataday drops, Flonase, and Benadryl. It’s taken 5 days of all those medicines, for swelling and allergy symptoms to decrease. Which seems unusual, like if I’m having an allergy, I take Benadryl, I’m pretty much resolved after a nap. My son however, it’s like once we are behind a flare up, it keeps compounding on top of itself, if that makes sense, and have to be extremely aggressive to get him out of the scary zone.
He’s traumatized by hospitals and doctors, and I don’t want to put him through more than is necessary, but I feel like his symptoms are far more out of control than normal allergy symptoms. I’ve been reading about EOE and mast cell disorders and how they can go hand in hand. I looked back at his labs for the last 2 years, and his eosinophils are consistently high, every blood test he’s had. Sometimes more mildly and others through the roof. I haven’t been able to find anything about what feels like antihistamine resistance or taking so ling to bring symptoms down also wanted to know your individual experiences that way.
I’m worried sick and just want him to be able to feel better and be a normal little boy, who can play outside and not seem borderline like he’s dying afterwards, any guidance is appreciated.
Thanks so much. ❤️

Hello,
I made a throwaway account for my child’s privacy.
But I’ve been down a rabbit hole looking at systemic mastocytosis, and want to know what journeys people have been on.
My son is four. In the last 2.5 years he’s been hospitalized 3 times, and to emergency a handful of times. We have asthma/allergy clinic active. Also now ENT and soon to follow GI for suspected eosinophilic esophagitis. He definitely has allergies. He’s allergic to peas and about 20 environmental allergies such as trees, weeds, dogs, cats, etc.
He’s had severe bouts of swelling, rashes, nasal, respiratory symptoms, swallowing issues, bloody noses are constant, and bouts of diarrhea that seem to come on I’m allergy season. We’ve seen lots of specialists in the hospital, and asthma/allergy writes him off as seasonal allergies. However, he just had another flare up of symptoms starting Sunday night after playing outside for a few hours. His symptoms were almost to the point of me wanting to bring him to ER. He was short of breath, runny nose, eyes swollen shut, coughing, rash, stomach pain, broken blood vessels in his eyes, petechiae around his eyes, and hives. I have multiple food allergy kids and by FARE standards for food allergy, he was “anaphylactic”. I gave a double dose of Benadryl and it helped at least calm his breathing within a short while. I stayed on the Benadryl every four hours for several days. His swallowing difficulties have gotten worse with allergies the last few weeks and he had another choking episode last night.
My question is, in regards to controlling symptoms as well as diagnosis and talking to doctors. We’ve tried a wide bunch of antihistamines, at one point he was on 15mg twice a day of Zyrtec which seemed to do nothing. Xyzal seemed ineffective as well. He’s been on Claritin daily for the last year, and allergist just had us increase dose and give twice a day, on top of pataday drops, Flonase, and Benadryl. It’s taken 5 days of all those medicines, for swelling and allergy symptoms to decrease. Which seems unusual, like if I’m having an allergy, I take Benadryl, I’m pretty much resolved after a nap. My son however, it’s like once we are behind a flare up, it keeps compounding on top of itself, if that makes sense, and have to be extremely aggressive to get him out of the scary zone.
He’s traumatized by hospitals and doctors, and I don’t want to put him through more than is necessary, but I feel like his symptoms are far more out of control than normal allergy symptoms. I’ve been reading about EOE and mast cell disorders and how they can go hand in hand. I looked back at his labs for the last 2 years, and his eosinophils are consistently high, every blood test he’s had. Sometimes more mildly and others through the roof. I haven’t been able to find anything about what feels like antihistamine resistance or taking so ling to bring symptoms down also wanted to know your individual experiences that way.
I’m worried sick and just want him to be able to feel better and be a normal little boy, who can play outside and not seem borderline like he’s dying afterwards, any guidance is appreciated.
Thanks so much. ❤️

As parents, it's natural to want the best for our children, and that includes their dental care. And of those is through undergoing pediatric dental x-rays, but one of the misconceptions about this is the thought that bitewing x-rays can cause harm and make them gag. This article will explain the significance of pediatric dental x-rays, how they benefit your child's oral health, and why Madison Dentistry & Implant Center utilizes them as part of our comprehensive care approach.

Knowing what pediatric dental x-ray is:

Dental radiographs, or pediatric dental x-rays, are essential instruments that pediatric dentists use to evaluate and track the oral health of their patients. These pictures offer in-depth information on parts of the mouth that are not visible in an ordinary dental exam.

Why are pediatric dental x-rays necessary?

• Detecting Tooth Decay: With the use of dental x-rays, dentists can identify tooth decay immediately, treating it quickly to stop more serious harm.
• Monitoring Tooth Development: X-rays help dentists monitor the development of primary and permanent teeth, ensuring that they are growing correctly and identifying any abnormalities early on.
• Assessing Jaw Alignment: X-rays help in the diagnosis and treatment of bite issues like malocclusion by providing important information about the alignment of the jaw and the placement of teeth.
• Identifying Oral Health Issues: From detecting impacted teeth to diagnosing conditions like gum disease, dental x-rays play a crucial role in identifying various oral health issues that may not be visible during a visual examination alone.

The Safety of Pediatric Dental X-Rays:

At Madison Dentistry, we recognize how critical it is to put our young patients' safety and wellbeing first. For this reason, we employ cutting-edge digital radiography equipment, which substantially lowers radiation exposure when compared to film x-rays. Our team adheres to comprehensive safety regulations to guarantee that kids get the best care possible when getting dental x-rays.

Preparing Your Child for Dental X-Rays:

To help prepare your child for their x-ray appointment, we recommend:

• Explaining the Process: Take the time to explain to your child what dental x-rays are and why they are necessary. Use simple language and reassure them that the procedure is quick, painless, and safe.
• Offering Encouragement: Encourage your child to ask questions and express any concerns they may have about the x-ray procedure. Reassure them that our friendly dental team will be there to guide them every step of the way.
• Distracting Techniques: Bring along their favorite toy, book, or electronic device to help distract and comfort them during the x-ray procedure.

We believe that every child deserves a healthy smile that lasts a lifetime. Pediatric dental x-rays play a vital role in achieving this goal by allowing us to detect and address oral health issues early on. Schedule an appointment with us and give your child the gift of optimal oral health., and why Madison Dentistry & Implant Center utilizes them as part of our comprehensive care approach.

Knowing what pediatric dental x-ray is:

Dental radiographs, or pediatric dental x-rays, are essential instruments that pediatric dentists use to evaluate and track the oral health of their patients. These pictures offer in-depth information on parts of the mouth that are not visible in an ordinary dental exam.

Why are pediatric dental x-rays necessary?

• Detecting Tooth Decay: With the use of dental x-rays, dentists can identify tooth decay immediately, treating it quickly to stop more serious harm.
• Monitoring Tooth Development: X-rays help dentists monitor the development of primary and permanent teeth, ensuring that they are growing correctly and identifying any abnormalities early on.
• Assessing Jaw Alignment: X-rays help in the diagnosis and treatment of bite issues like malocclusion by providing important information about the alignment of the jaw and the placement of teeth.
• Identifying Oral Health Issues: From detecting impacted teeth to diagnosing conditions like gum disease, dental x-rays play a crucial role in identifying various oral health issues that may not be visible during a visual examination alone.

The Safety of Pediatric Dental X-Rays:

At Madison Dentistry, we recognize how critical it is to put our young patients' safety and wellbeing first. For this reason, we employ cutting-edge digital radiography equipment, which substantially lowers radiation exposure when compared to film x-rays. Our team adheres to comprehensive safety regulations to guarantee that kids get the best care possible when getting dental x-rays.

Preparing Your Child for Dental X-Rays:

To help prepare your child for their x-ray appointment, we recommend:

• Explaining the Process: Take the time to explain to your child what dental x-rays are and why they are necessary. Use simple language and reassure them that the procedure is quick, painless, and safe.
• Offering Encouragement: Encourage your child to ask questions and express any concerns they may have about the x-ray procedure. Reassure them that our friendly dental team will be there to guide them every step of the way.
• Distracting Techniques: Bring along their favorite toy, book, or electronic device to help distract and comfort them during the x-ray procedure.

I recently read Richard Wright’s autobiography which dealt in part with his tumultuous time as a member of a U.S. communist group in the 1930’s. I also read a number of Orwell’s essays written shortly after the Spanish civil war in which he discusses the ideology. One thing Orwell brought up that I thought was interesting (partly quoted below) was the pervasive self-censorship by communist western writers during that time. Makes sense - nearly all US/UK communist parties were more or less emulating USSR standards.
Among the many issues Wright encountered while he was a member was the constant peer pressure to censor not just what he said in official writings (eg for their magazine), but also his own work. If any party member stepped out of line (or was even perceived to have - which was troublesome due to how much paranoia raged throughout the group) all sorts of bullying tactics were use. Such as expelling, threatening, shunning, attempting to get former members fired at their job, assaulting them on the streets, or worst of all being called a Trotsky-isk (it’s like being called a mix of Benedict Arnold, Hitler, and a 5 month old puppy that a spoiled child has grown bored of)
This censorship counters something I have noticed is more common in writers/artists than the average person - the desire for freedom of expression. what about the movement was appealing enough for writers to fight for something that denies this? (and perhaps huge portion of the entire literary canon)
But the core question is this: what caused writers / artists to be drawn to communism at higher rates than most other professions?
Most often when reading the work of those actively in favor, they talk earnestly of social and economic equality for all. But if that was truly their primary end goal, socialism alone seems more closely to align with it without the need for censorship. Furthermore, socialism was a moderately prevalent & established ideology at the turn of the 20th century (and had a number of notable writers gaining success releasing works with overarching socialist themes - eg Upton Sinclair & Jack London & Orwell). Was it just seen as old hat (too slow, ineffective) at that point? Or is the focus on the employed lower class just not personally applicable enough for an artist fortunate enough to survive on the profit of their art?
A while ago I read an essay by Chomsky in which he quoted a bit by either Marx or Engels indicating that the ideology has always hinted at a sort of aristocratic literati. Was this what really brought so many writers in (more than fixing economic inequality issues already addressed by socialism)? Sure, the revolution theoretically frees the workers & disposed of great economic inequality, but ( better yet) with our artistic skills we will be reserved a special place right at the foot of the ideological ruler’s throne! Who cares if it’s as jester or propagandist, we will still find ourselves comfortably sat near the table of power. not in the fields toiling, but amongst the intellectual elites. They can see through the propaganda.
(This brings to mind an article by a journalist stuck in an air conditioned hotel somewhere like Qatar with a bunch of other journalists during the Iraq war c. 2003. Every day they would come out to watch a news conference by a low ranking general who never appeared to know anything nor have any updates. The part that irked me was when the journalist wrote that every journalist in that room was rolling their eyes & joking about the bullshit waste of time… yet the journalists continued writing up & sending out the regurgitated bullshit en masse, acting like they were getting break news & the US people were being informed of it.
The journalists all know they’re being toyed with, so if those people who read the trickle down news conference updates and believed anything but the same - they were contemptuously stupid & deserve their own eye roll, no doubt.
Completely ignoring another option entirely - don’t carry on with the charade of being a government mouth piece… the press could print meaningful journalism or push real questions to the 1 star or call them out on the obfuscation [who else could? Only media allowed]. No, just an eye roll and jokes amongst themselves while they continue to perfectly fulfill their place as the apparatchiks, but at least they know it’s a farce.)
too pessimistic?
Orwell:

On the whole the literary history of the thirties seems to justify the opinion that a writer does well to keep out of politics. For any writer who accepts or partially accepts the discipline of a political party is sooner or later faced with the alternative: toe the line, or shut up. It is, of course, possible to toe the line and go on writing—after a fashion. […] Literature as we know it is an individual thing, demanding mental honesty and a minimum of censorship.
The atmosphere of orthodoxy is always damaging to prose, and above all it is completely ruinous to the novel, the most anarchical of all forms of literature. […] it is a product of the free mind, of the autonomous individual. No decade in the past hundred and fifty years has been so barren of imaginative prose as the nineteen-thirties. There have been good poems, good sociological works, brilliant pamphlets, but practically no fiction of any value at all. From 1933 onwards the mental climate was increasingly against it. Anyone sensitive enough to be touched by the Zeitgeist was also involved in politics. Not everyone, of course, was definitely in the political racket, but practically everyone was on its periphery and more or less mixed up in propaganda campaigns and squalid controversies. Communists and near-Communists had a disproportionately large influence in the literary reviews. It was a time of labels, slogans, and evasions. At the worst moments you were expected to lock yourself up in a constipating little cage of lies; at the best a sort of voluntary censorship ('Ought I to say this? Is it pro-Fascist?') was at work in nearly everyone's mind.
It is almost inconceivable that good novels should be written in such an atmosphere. 'Good novels are not written by by orthodoxy-sniffers, nor by people who are conscience-stricken about their own unorthodoxy. Good novels are written by people who are not frightened.

TLDR: diagnosed with N1 really young, feelings of inadequacy in comparison to others. I feel some comfort within myself and my own identity but I don't know how or where or what I'm supposed to do. Staring mid twenties in the face. Any thoughts?
I (21F) was diagnosed with N1 at about eight years old. Bright kid, always reading and eager to learn about literally everything. Fairly active extra curriculars like dancing. I suddenly started falling asleep in class, head on the table and literally drooling. Falling asleep in the car immediately after school, halfway through dinner, and a total switch in personality.
After CAT scans, MRIs and blood tests, it was actually a counsellor I was seeing at the time who suggested I had a sleep study. My paediatric specialist confirmed it was a "slam dunk" diagnosis of N1, and probably the most obvious she had seen in someone so young. I was given dexamphetamine and increased the dosage as the years progressed, and last year I was given the green light for modafinil. I'm currently on armodafinil in the morning and then dexies as required.
I am extremely grateful to have had the access and privilege to be diagnosed so young (and while still on parent's health insurance lol) and that I have not had to suffer the incredible stress that comes with this kind of diagnosis on my own. Academic success and achievements were lowkey my entire personality, and my parents never really let up on the whole prodigy child thing (no siblings). My dad even commenting that I was "groomed into becoming a college professor" lol. As of today I work at a hardware store four days a week, I'm living back with my mom (after my breakup), I don't drive, and I'm not studying tertiary education. I love live music, partying with my friends, making literally any kind of art, and weird horror films.
My life with narcolepsy has primarily been focused on actually acknowledging I DO have a condition and holding kindness and patience for myself. I feel its hard for others to understand me as I'm typically the first person someone has ever seen who has this condition, and because it is an invisible disability. My parents often said to not let the narcolepsy "hold me back" or that its "not an excuse". Hearing those things throughout my childhood really cemented the ideas of "it's not that bad" or "other people have it worse" into my psyche.
I did really enjoy study for a few months but dropped out (it was full time study and I was also working parttime). I find that any time I'm in front of a computer, or writing notes from a PowerPoint (or mostly anything that is required from tertiary education) I start falling asleep, even while medicated. I find it hard to relate to the goals of my peers. Either they are studying or have finished their degrees, travelling or whatever other stuff mid-twenty year olds aspire to. I often feel like a loser or useless. I've seen multiple therapists, like at least five throughout different periods of my life.
I feel quite lost. I'm a fairly optimistic person, I don't enjoy when people around me are overly negative and hypercritical. I find that life is short and I'd love the chance to be able to spend it with my loved ones while they are here, and that a lot of beauty and happiness is actually right in front of me. The long lasting kind is not something which suddenly can be found after one particular achievement or experience. But yeah idk.
I think maybe I feel lost mostly within the contexts of capitalism. I think my dream career would be a trade of some kind. Something where I'm on my feet, actively thinking and creating. But they wont really look at you if you don't drive. I also think about social work, I really believe that children and teens are so precious. Their joy, curiosity and even disdain towards our world is something that needs to be protected and encouraged. But again, cannae drive. I consider 'accountant' occasionally as that seems to be a common among the disabled crowd plus WFH and keeping most of the profits of my labour. But it's not really something I'm comfortable with. I really feel I have a lot to offer but if I don't get a degree or similar I'm practically useless. I don't want to stay at home forever but shiii so expensive. I also don't want to work in retail forever, I really love my job and the company I work for is fairly great for employees and also very flexible with me if I need it. I just don't feel like it is my career.
I don't know what to do with these feelings except make art and write about them.
If u read all this way thanks ily. I'm not sure if this like, journal entry/blog kind of post is like appreciated here but I'd love to hear literally anything anyone has to say about it. I'm also super curious about anyone else's experience with N1 and being a young adult or those two topics separately. <3

VIII: The Flight from Feeling: Sociopsychology of the Sex War
The Trivialization of Personal Relations
Bertrand Russell once predicted that the socialization of reproduction - the supersession of the family by the state - would “make sex love itself more trivial,” encourage “a certain triviality in all personal relations,” and “make it far more difficult to take an interest in anything after one’s own death.” At first glance, recent developments appear to have refuted the first part of this prediction. Americans today invest personal relations, particularly the relations between men and women, with undiminished emotional importance. The decline of childrearing as a major preoccupation has freed sex from its bondage to procreation and made it possible for people to value erotic life for its own sake. As the family shrinks to the marital unit, it can be argued that men and women respond more readily to each other’s emotional needs, instead of living vicariously through their offspring. The marriage contract having lost its binding character, couples now find it possible, according to many observers, to ground sexual relations in something more solid than legal compulsion. In short, the growing determination to live for the moment, whatever it may have done to the relations between parents and children, appears to have established the preconditions of a new intimacy between men and women.
This appearance is an illusion. The cult of intimacy conceals a growing despair of finding it. Personal relations crumble under the emotional weight with which they are burdened. The inability “to take an interest in anything after one’s own death,” which gives such urgency to the pursuit of close personal encounters in the present, makes intimacy more elusive than ever. The same developments that have weakened the tie between parents and children have also undermined relations between men and women. Indeed the deterioration of marriage contributes in its own right to the deterioration of care for the young.
This last point is so obvious that only a strenuous propaganda on behalf of “open marriage” and “creative divorce” prevents us from grasping it. It is clear, for example, that the growing incidence of divorce, together with the ever present possibility that any given marriage will end in collapse, adds to the instability of family life and deprives the child of a measure of emotional security. Enlightened opinion diverts attention from this general fact by insisting that in specific cases, parents may do more harm to their children by holding a marriage together than by dissolving it. It is true that many couples preserve their marriage, in one form or another, at the expense of the child. Sometimes they embark on a life full of distractions that shield them against daily emotional involvements with their offspring. Sometimes one parent acquiesces in the neurosis of the other (as in the family configuration that produces so many schizophrenic patients) for fear of disturbing the precarious peace of the household. More often the husband abandons his children to the wife whose company he finds unbearable, and the wife smothers the children with incessant yet perfunctory attentions. This particular solution to the problem of marital strain has become so common that the absence of the father impresses many observers as the most striking fact about the contemporary family. Under these conditions, a divorce in which the mother retains custody of her children merely ratifies the existing state of affairs - the effective emotional desertion of his family by the father. But the reflection that divorce often does no more damage to children than marriage itself hardly inspires rejoicing.
Battle of the Sexes: Its Social History
While the escalating war between men and women have psychological roots in the disintegration of the marital relation, and more broadly in the changing patterns of socialization outlined in the preceding chapter, much of this tension can be explained without reference to psychology. The battle of the sexes also constitutes a social phenomena with a history of its own. The reasons for the recent intensification of sexual combat lie in the transformation of capitalism from its paternalistic and familial form to a managerial, corporate, bureaucratic system of almost total control: more specifically, in the collapse of “chivalry”; the liberation of sex from many of its former constraints; the pursuit of sexual pleasure as an end in itself; the emotional overloading of personal relations; and most important of all, the irrational male response to the emergence of the liberated woman.
It has been clear for some time that “chivalry is dead.” The tradition of gallantry formerly masked and to some degree mitigated the organized oppression of women. While males monopolized political and economic power, they made their domination of women more palatable by surrounding it with an elaborate ritual of deference and politesse. They set themselves up as protectors of the weaker sex, and this cloying but useful fiction set limits to their capacity to exploit women through sheer physical force. The counterconvention of droit de seigneur, which justified the predatory exploits of the privileged classes against women socially inferior to themselves, nevertheless showed that the male sex at no time ceased to regard most women as fair game. The long history of rape and seduction, moreover, served as a reminder that animal strength remained the basis of masculine ascendancy, manifested here in its most direct and brutal form. Yet polite conventions, even when they were no more than a façade, provided women with ideological leverage in their struggle to domesticate the wildness and savagery of men. They surrounded essentially exploitive relationships with a network of reciprocal obligations, which if nothing else made exploitation easier to bear.
The symbiotic interdependence of exploiters and exploited, so characteristic of paternalism in all ages, survived in male-female relations long after the collapse of patriarchal authority in other areas. Because the convention of deference to the fair sex was so closely bound up with paternalism, however, it lived on borrowed time once the democratic revolutions of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries had destroyed the last foundations of feudalism. The decline of paternalism, and of the rich public ceremonial formerly associated with it, spelled the end of gallantry. Women themselves began to perceive the connection between their debasement and their sentimental exaltation, rejected their confining position on the pedestal of masculine adoration, and demanded the demystification of female sexuality.
Democracy and feminism have now stripped the veil of courtly convention from the subordination of women, revealing the sexual antagonisms formerly concealed by the “feminine mystique.” Denied illusions of comity, men and women find it more difficult than before to confront each other as friends and lovers, let alone as equals. As male supremacy becomes ideologically untenable, incapable of justifying itself as protection, men assert their domination more directly, in fantasies and occasionally in acts of raw violence. Thus the treatment of women in movies, according to one study, has shifted “from reverence to rape.”
Women who abandon the security of well-defined though restrictive social roles have always exposed themselves to sexual exploitation, having surrendered the usual claims of respectability. Mary Wollstonecraft, attempting to live as a free woman, found herself brutally deserted by Gilbert Imlay. Later feminists forfeited the privileges of sex and middle-class origin when they campaigned for women’s rights. Men reviled them publicly as sexless “she-men” and approached them privately as loose women. A Cincinnati brewer, expecting to be admitted to Emma Goldman’s hotel room when he found her alone, became alarmed when she threatened to wake the whole establishment. He protested, “I thought you believed in free love.” Ingrid Bengis reports that when she hitchhiked across the country, men expected her to pay for rides with sexual favors. Her refusal elicited the predictable reply: “Well, girls shouldn’t hitchhike in the first place.”
What distinguishes the present time from the past is that defiance of sexual conventions less and less presents itself as a matter of individual choice, as it was for the pioneers of feminism. Since most of those conventions have already collapsed, even a woman who lays no claim to her rights nevertheless finds it difficult to claim the traditional privileges of her sex. All women find themselves identified with “women’s lib” merely by virtue of their sex, unless by strenuous disavowals they identify themselves with its enemies. All women share in the burdens as well as the benefits of “liberation,” both of which can be summarized by saying that men no longer treat women as ladies.
The Sexual “Revolution”
The demystification of womanhood goes hand in hand with the desublimation of sexuality. The “repeal of reticence” has dispelled the aura of mystery surrounding sex and removed most of the obstacles to its public display. Institutionalized sexual segregation has given way to arrangements that promote the intermingling of the sexes at every stage of life. Efficient contraceptives, legalized abortion, and a “realistic” and “healthy” acceptance of the body have weakened the links that once tied sex to love, marriage, and procreation. Men and women now pursue sexual pleasure as an end in itself, unmediated even by the conventional trappings of romance.
Sex valued purely for its own sake loses all reference to the future and brings no hope of permanent relationships. Sexual liaisons, including marriage, can be terminated at pleasure. This means, as Willard Waller demonstrated a long time ago, that lovers forfeit the right to be jealous or to insist on fidelity as a condition of erotic union. In his sociological satire of the recently divorced, Waller pointed out that the bohemians of the 1920s attempted to avoid emotional commitments while eliciting them from others.
Since the bohemian was “not ready to answer with his whole personality for the consequences of the affair, nor to give any assurance of its continuance,” he lost the right to demand such an assurance from others. “To show jealousy,” under these conditions, became “nothing short of a crime…. So if one falls in love in Bohemia, he conceals it from his friends as best he can.” In similar studies of the “rating and dating complex” on college campuses, Waller found that students who fell in love invited the ridicule of their peers. Exclusive attachments have way to an easygoing promiscuity as the normal pattern of sexual relations. Popularity replaced purity as the measure of a woman’s social value; the sentimental cult of virginity gave way to “playful woman-sharing,” which had “no negative effect,” as Wolfenstein and Leites pointed out in their study of movies, “on the friendly relations between the men.”(*) In the thirties and forties, the cinematic fantasy in which a beautiful girl dances with a chorus of men, favoring one no more than the others, expressed an ideal to which reality more and more closely conformed. In Elmtown’s Youth, August Hollingshead described a freshman girl who violated conventional taboos against drinking, smoking, and “fast” behavior and still retained her standing in the school’s most prominent clique, partly carefully calibrated promiscuity. “To be seen with her adds to a boy’s prestige in the elite peer group…. she pets with her dates discreetly never goes too far, just far enough to make them come back again.” In high school as in college, the peer group attempts through conventional ridicule and vituperation to prevent its members from falling in love with the wrong people, indeed from falling in love at all; for as Hollingshead noted, lovers “are lost to the adolescent world with its quixotic enthusiasms and varied group activities.”
These studies show that the main features of the contemporary sexual scene had already established themselves well before the celebrated “sexual revolution” of the sixties and seventies: casual promiscuity, a wary avoidance of emotional commitments, an attack on jealousy and possessiveness. Recent developments, however, have introduced a new source of tension: the modern woman’s increasingly insistent demand for sexual fulfillment. In the 1920s and 1930s, many women still approached sexual encounters with a hesitance that combined prudery and a realistic fear of consequences. Superficially seductive, they took little pleasure in sex even when they spoke the jargon of sexual liberation and professed to live for pleasure and thrills. Doctors worried about female frigidity, and psychiatrists had no trouble in recognizing among their female patients the classic patterns of hysteria described by Freud, in which a coquettish display of sexuality often coexists with powerful repression and a rigid, puritanical morality.
Today women have dropped much of their sexual reserve. In the eyes of men, this makes them more accessible as sexual partners but also more threatening. Formerly men complained about women’s lack of sexual response; now they find this response intimidating and agonize about their capacity to satisfy it. “I’m sorry they ever found out they could have orgasms too,” Heller’s Bob Slocum says. The famous Masters-Johnson report on female sexuality added to these anxieties by depicting women as sexually insatiable, inexhaustible in their capacity to experience orgasm after orgasm. Some feminists have used the Masters report to attack the “myth of vaginal orgasm,” to assert women’s independence of men, or to taunt men with their sexual inferiority. “Theoretically, a woman could go on having orgasms indefinitely if physical exhaustion did not intervene,” writes Mary Jane Sherfey. According to Kate Millett, “While the male’s sexual potential is limited, the female’s appears to be biologically nearly inexhaustible.” Sexual “performance” thus becomes another weapon in the war between men and women; social inhibitions no longer prevent women from exploiting the tactical advantage which the current obsession with sexual measurement has given them. Whereas the hysterical woman, even when she fell in love and longed to let herself go, seldom conquered her underlying aversion to sex, the pseudoliberated woman of Cosmopolitan exploits her sexuality in a more deliberate and calculating way, not only because she has fewer reservations about sex but because she manages more successfully to avoid emotional entanglements. “Women with narcissistic personalities,” writes Otto Kernberg, “may appear quite ‘hysterical’ on the surface, with their extreme coquettishness and exhibitionism but the cold, shrewdly calculating quality of their seductiveness is in marked contrast to the much warmer, emotionally involved quality of hysterical pseudo-hypersexuality.”
[*. The transition in American movies from the vamp to the “good-bad girl,” according to Wolfenstein and Leites, illustrates the decline of jealousy and the displacement of sexual passion by sexiness. “The dangerousness of the vamp was associated with the man’s intolerance for sharing her with other men. Her seductive appearance and readiness for love carried a strong suggestion that there has been and might be other men in her life…. The good-bad girl is associated with a greater tolerance for sharing the woman…. In effect, the woman’s attraction is enhanced by her association with other men. All that is needed to eliminate unpleasantness is the assurance that those relations were not serious.”]
Togetherness
Both men and women have come to approach personal relations with a heightened appreciation of their emotional risks. Determined to manipulate the emotions of others while protecting themselves against emotional injury, both sexes cultivate a protective shallowness, a cynical detachment they do not altogether feel but which soon becomes habitual and in any case embitters personal relations merely through its repeated profession. At the same time, people demand from personal relations the richness and intensity of a religious experience. Although in some ways men and women have had to modify their demands on each other, especially in their inability to exact commitments of lifelong sexual fidelity, in other ways they demand more than ever. In the American middle class, moreover, men and women see too much of each other and find it hard to put their relations in proper perspective. The degradation of work and the impoverishment of communal life force people to turn to sexual excitement to satisfy all their emotional needs. Formerly sexual antagonism was tempered not only by chivalric, paternalistic, conventions but by a more relaxed acceptance of the limitations of the other sex. Men and women acknowledged each other’s shortcomings without making them the basis of a comprehensive indictment. Partly because they found more satisfaction than is currently available in casual relations with their own sex, they did not have to raise friendship itself into a political program, an ideological alternative to love. An easygoing, everyday contempt for the weaknesses of the other sex, institutionalized as folk wisdom concerning the emotional incompetence of men or the brainlessness of women, kept sexual enmity within bounds and prevented it from becoming an obsession.
Feminism and the ideology of intimacy have discredited the sexual stereotypes which kept women in their place but which also made it possible to acknowledge sexual antagonism without raising it to the level of all-out warfare. Today the folklore of sexual differences and the acceptance of sexual friction survive only in the working class. Middle-class feminists envy the ability of working-class women to acknowledge that men get in their way without becoming man-haters. “These women are less angry at their men because they don’t spend that much time with them,” according to one observer. “Middle-class women are the ones who were told men had to be their companions.”
…
Strategies of Accommodation
Because the contradiction exposed (and exacerbated) by feminism are so painful, the feminist movement has always found it tempting to renounce its own insights and program and to retreat into some kind of accommodation with the existing order, often disguised as embattled militancy. In the nineteenth century, American feminists edged away from their original programs, which envisioned not only economic equality but a sweeping reform of marriage and sexual relations, into a protracted campaign for woman suffrage. Today many feminists argue, once again in the name of political realism, that women need to establish their influence within the two-party system, as a kind of loyal opposition, before they can raise broader issues. Such tactics merely serve to postpone the discussion of broader issues indefinitely. Just as the women’s rights movement of the nineteenth century drew back from discussions of love and marriage when they met with public hostility, so strong forces in the National Organization for Women today propose to improve woman’s image, to show that feminism in no way threatens men, and to blame “social conditions” or bad attitudes, not male supremacy, for the subordination of the female sex.
More subtle forms of accommodation pose as radical challenges to mainstream feminism and the status quo. Some militants have revived discredited theories of matriarchal origins or myths of the moral superiority of women, thereby consoling themselves for this lack of power. They appear to the illusory solidarity of sisterhood in order to avoid arguments about the proper goals of the feminist movement. By institutionalizing women’s activities as “alternatives to the male death-culture,” they avoid challenging that culture and protect women from the need to compete with men for jobs, political power, and public attention. What began as a tactical realization that women have to win their rights without waiting for men to grant them has degenerated into the fantasy of a world without men. As one critic has noted, the movement’s “apparent vigor turns out to be mere busyness with self-perpetuating make-work: much of it serving in the short run to provide its more worldly experts with prestige, book contracts, and grants, its dreamers with an illusory matriarchal utopia.”
“Radical lesbians” carry the logic of separation to its ultimate futility, withdrawing at every level from the struggle against male domination while directing a steady stream of abuse against men and against women who refuse to acknowledge their homosexual proclivities. Proclaiming their independence from men, militant lesbians in fact envision a protected enclave for themselves within a male-dominated society. Yet this form of surrender - the dream of an island secure against male intrusion - remains attractive to women who repeatedly fail to find a union of sexuality and tenderness in their relations with men. As such disappointments become more and more common, sexual separatism commends itself as the most plausible substitute for liberation.
All these strategies of accommodation derive their emotional energy from an impulse much more prevalent than feminism: the flight from feeling. For many reasons, personal relations have become increasingly risky - most obviously, because they no longer carry any assurance of permanence. Men and women make extravagant demands on each other and experience irrational rage and hatred when their demands are not met. Under these conditions, it is not surprising that more and more people long for emotional detachment or “enjoy sex,” as Hendin writes, “only in situations where they can define and limit the intensity of the relationship.” A lesbian confesses: “The only men I’ve ever been able to enjoy sex with were men I didn’t give a shit about. Then I could let go, because I didn’t feel vulnerable.”
Sexual separatism is only one of many strategies for controlling or escaping from strong feeling. Many prefer the escape of drugs, which dissolve anger and desire in a glow of good feeling and create the illusion of intense experience without emotion. Others simply undertake to live alone, repudiating connections with either sex. The reported increase in single-member households undoubtedly reflects a new taste for personal independence, but it also expresses a revulsion against close emotional attachments of any kind. The rising rate of suicide among young people can be attributed, in part, to the same flight from emotional entanglements. Suicide, in Hendin’s words, represents the “ultimate numbness.”
The most prevalent form of escape from emotional complexity is promiscuity: the attempt to achieve a strict separation between sex and feeling. Here again, escape masquerades as liberation, regression as progress. The progressive ideology of “nonbiding commitments” and “cool sex” makes a virtue of disengagement, while purporting to criticize the depersonalization of sex. Enlightened authorities like Alex Comfort, Nena and George O’Neill, Robert and Anna Francoeur insist on the need to humanize sex by making it into a “total experience” instead of a mechanical performance; yet in the same breath they condemn the human emotions of jealousy and possessiveness and decry “romantic illusions.” “Radical” therapeutic wisdom urges men and women to express their needs and wishes without reserve - since all needs and wishes have equal legitimacy - but warns them not to expect a single mate to satisfy them. This program seeks to allay emotional tensions, in effect, by reducing the demands men and women make on each other, instead of making men and women better able to meet them. The promotion of sex as a “healthy,” “normal” part of life masks a desire to divest it of the emotional intensity that unavoidably clings to it: the reminders of earlier entanglements with parents, the “unhealthy” inclination to re-create those relations in relation with lovers. The enlightened insistence that sex is not “dirty” expresses a wish to sanitize it by washing away its unconscious associations.
The humanistic critique of sexual “depersonalization” thus sticks to the surface of the problem. Even while preaching the need to combine sex with feeling, it gives ideological legitimacy to the protective withdrawal from strong emotions. It condemns the overemphasis on technique while extolling sexual relations that are hermetically free of affect. It exhorts men and women to “get in touch with their feelings” but encourages them to make “resolutions about freedom and ‘non-possessiveness,’” as Ingrid Bengis writes, which “tear the very heart out of intimacy.” It satirizes the crude pornographic fantasies sold by the mass media, which idealize hairless women with inflated mammaries, but it does so out of an aversion to fantasy itself, which so rarely conforms to social definition of what is healthy minded. The critics of dehumanized sex, like the critics of sport, hope to abolish spectatorship and to turn everyone into a participant, hoping that vigorous exercise will drive away unwholesome thoughts. They attack pornography, not because they wish to promote more complicated and satisfying fantasies about sex, but because, on the contrary, they wish to win acceptance for a realistic view of womanhood and of the reduced demands that men and women have a right to make of each other.
The Castrating Woman of Male Fantasy
The flight from feeling, whether or not it tries to justify itself under an ideology of nonbinding commitments, takes the form above all of a flight from fantasy. This shows that it represents more than defensive reaction to external disappointments. Today men and women seek escape from emotion not only because they have suffered too many wounds in the wars of love but because they experience their own inner impulses as intolerably urgent and menacing. The flight from feeling originates not only in the sociology of the sex war but in the psychology that accompanies it. If “many of us,” as Ingrid Bengis observes of women and as others have observed of men as well, “have had to anesthetize ourselves to [our] needs,” it is the very character of those needs (and of the defenses erected against them) which gives rise to the belief that they cannot be satisfied in heterosexual relations - perhaps should not be satisfied in any form - and which therefore prompts people to withdraw from intense emotional encounters.
Instinctual desires always threaten psychic equilibrium and for this reason can never be given direct expression. In our society, however, they present themselves as intolerably menacing, in part because the collapse of authority has removed so many of the external prohibitions against the expression of dangerous impulses. The superego can no longer ally itself, in its battle against impulse, with outside authorities. It has to rely almost entirely on its own resources, and these too have diminished in their effectiveness. Not only have the social agents of repression lost much of their force, but their internal representations in the superego have suffered a similar decline. The ego ideal, which cooperates in the work of repression by making socially acceptable behavior itself an object of libidinal cathexis, has become increasingly pallid and ineffective in the absence of compelling moral models outside the self. This means, as we have seen, that the superego has to rely more and more on harsh, punitive dictation, drawing on the aggressive impulses in the id and directing them against the ego.
The narcissist feels consumed by his own appetites. The intensity of his oral hunger leads him to make inordinate demands on his friends and sexual partners; yet in the same breath he repudiates those demands asks only a causal connection without promise of permanence on either side. He longs to free himself from his own hunger and rage, to achieve a calm detachment beyond emotion, and to outgrow his dependence on others. He longs for the indifference to human relationships and to life itself that would enable him to acknowledge its passing in Kurt Vonnegut’s laconic phrase, “So it goes,” which so aptly expresses the ultimate aspiration of the psychiatric seeker. <“Western” Buddhism>
But although the psychological man of our times frightens himself with the intensity of his inner needs, the needs of others appall him no less than his own. One reason the demands he inadvertently imposes on others make him uneasy is that they may justify other in making demands on himself. Men especially fear the demands of women, not only because women no longer hesitate to press them but because men find it so difficult to imagine an emotional need that does not wish to consume whatever it seizes on.
Women today ask for two things in their relations with men: sexual satisfaction and tenderness. Whether separately or in combination, both demands seem to convey to many males the same message - that women are voracious, insatiable. Why should men respond in this fashion to demands that reason tells them have obvious legitimacy? Rational arguments notoriously falter in the face of unconscious anxieties; women’s sexual demands terrify men because they reverberate at such deep layers of the masculine mind, calling up early fantasies of a possessive, suffocating, devouring, and castrating mother. The persistence of such fantasies in later life intensifies and brings into the open the secret terror that has always been an important part of the male image of womanhood. The strength of these pre-Oedipal fantasies, in the narcissistic type of personality, makes it likely that men will approach women with hopelessly divided feelings, dependent and demanding in their fixation on the breast but terrified of the vagina which threatens to eat them alive; of the legs with which popular imagination endows the American heroine, legs which can presumably strangle or scissor victims to death; of the dangerous, phallic breast itself, encased in unyielding armor, which in unconscious terror more nearly resembles an implement of destruction that a source of nourishment. The sexually voracious female, long a stock figure of masculine pornography, in the twentieth century has emerged into the daylight of literary respectability. Similarly the cruel, destructive, domineering woman, la belle dame sans merci, has moved from the periphery of literature and the other arts to a position close to the center. Formerly a source of delicious titillation, of sadomasochistic gratification tinged with horrified fascination, she now inspires unambiguous loathing and dread. Heartless, domineering, burning (as Leslie Fiedler has said) with “a lust of the nerves rather than of the flesh,” she unmans every man who falls under her spell. In American fiction, she assumes a variety of guides, all of them variations on the same theme: the bitchy heroine of Hemingway, Faulkner, and Fitzegerald; Nathanael West’s Faye Greener, whose “invitation wasn’t to pleasure but to struggle, hard and sharp, closer to murder than to love”; Tennessee Williams’s Maggie Tolliver, edgy as a cat on a hot tin roof; the domineering wife whose mastery of her husband, as in the joyless humor of James Thurber, recalls the mastery of the castrating mother over her son; the man-eating Mom denounced in the shrill falsetto of Philip Wylie’s Generation of Vipers, Wright Morris’s Man and Boy, Edward Albee’s The American Dream; the suffocating Jewish mother, Mrs. Portnoy; the Hollywood vampire (Theda Bara), scheming seductress (Marlene Dietrich), or bad blonde (Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield); the precocious female killer of William March’s The Bad Seed.
Child or woman, wife or mother, this female cuts men to ribbons or swallows them whole. She travels accompanied by eunuchs, by damaged men suffering from nameless wounds, or by a few strong men brought low by their misguided attempts to turn her into a real woman. Whether or not the actual incidence of impotence has increased in American males - and there is no reason to doubt reports that it has - the specter of impotence haunts the contemporary imagination, not least because it focuses the fear that a played-out Anglo-Saxon culture is about to fall before the advance of hardier races. The nature of impotence, moreover, has undergone an important historical shift. In the nineteenth century, respectable men sometimes experienced embarrassing sexual failures with women of their own class, or else suffered from what Freud called “psychic impotence” - the characteristic Victorian split between sensuality and affection. Although most of these men dutifully had intercourse with their wives, they derived sexual satisfaction only from intercourse with prostitutes or with women otherwise degraded. As Freud explained, this psychic syndrome - “the most prevalent form of degradation” in the erotic life of his time - originated in the Oedipus complex. After the painful renunciation of the mother, sensuality seeks only those objects that evoke no reminder of her, while the mother herself, together with other “pure” (socially respectable) women, is idealized beyond reach of the sensual.
Today, impotence typically seems to originate not in renunciation of the mother but in earlier experiences, often reactivated by the apparently aggressive overtures of sexually liberated women. Fear of the devouring mother of pre-Oedipal fantasy gives rise to a generalized fear of women that has little resemblance to the sentimental adoration men once granted to women who made them sexually uncomfortable. The fear of women, closely associated with a fear of the consuming desires within, reveals itself not only as impotence but as a boundless rage against the female sex. This blind and impotent rage, which seems so prevalent at the present time, only superficially represents a defensive male reaction against feminism. It is only because the recent revival of feminism stirs up such deeply rooted memories that it gives rise to such primitive emotions. Men’s fear of women, moreover, exceeds the actual threat to their sexual privileges. Whereas the resentment of women against men for the most part has solid roots in the discrimination and sexual danger to which women are constantly exposed, the resentment of men against women, when men still control most of the power and wealth in society yet feel themselves threatened on every hand - intimidated, emasculated - appears deeply irrational, and for that reason not likely to be appeased by changes in feminist tactics designed to reassure men that liberated women threaten no one. When even Mom is a menace, there is not much that feminists can say to soften the sex war or to assure their adversaries that men and women will live happily together when it is over.