In the Era of Fear I Comfort them with Great Love
Anita Moorjani was cured from cancer not because of a certain medicine, vaccine or chemotherapy. She was cured because of this Great Love. Anita Moorjani is a forty years old woman who is simple and honest. She was born in India, grew up in Singapore and was English educated. Later she went to Hong Kong. She knows Tamil, English and Cantonese. In 2002 the doctor said that she was down with cancer lymphoma or the blood cell tumor. After four years, in 2006 seventy percent of her body is covered with the cancerous cells. She stayed in the hospital, suffering terribly because of this illness. Later the doctor pronounced her death. After three days she woke up and was cured miraculously. This is truly inconceivable when she woke up from her death. In her mind she was very sure she was cured already. No treatment was needed. But she was very weak. She could not even talk. The doctor was surprised of her condition and again they carried out a checking on her body and found that she was free from all symptoms of cancer. In her mind she knew she was already cured. In her mind there was a great transformation that she personally experienced. And all the cells on her body were transformed into healthy cells. Later she wrote a book entitles: After dying once I finally learn to love’ By looking at this title, it coincides with Master Shan Dao’s teaching on the one with deep faith in the dharma. He said, ‘Standing here is waiting to die. Going forward is also death. Turning back, I too cannot escape from death.’ This can be found in the ‘Analogy of two rivers and one white lane’ the three sure deaths. If we have died once, we will truly give ourselves up. This is the same as the Pure Land teaching that we have to admit we are the sinful mundane man. We lose all hope as we have no ways to leave the triple realm. In cultivation we need to really undergo a total death in order to really practise the path. The zen cultivator says this is known as undergoing great death and great living. Otherwise, no real cultivation can be expected because most of us are very arrogant, very self-centred, without much changes in our stubborn mindset. That is why she said after dying once only she managed to learn how to love. In the Pure Land door this is known as having deep faith. Such a man will surely have faith in Amitabha’s 48 vows to gather in living beings without any doubts and suspicion. By relying on the strength of the Buddha’s Vows we will surely attain a rebirth. This is living in the great love of Namo Amitabha Buddha. We receive the love of Amitabha Buddha. Only then we can have the genuine love and we are able to learn to love. If we do not feel the love of Amitabha Buddha, we will not know how to love. Our love will be frightening as it is an attachment, a desire to control, to possess others. Such a love is impure, it is a threat to us. If we are not careful it might turn into hatred. Such is a frightful kind of love. If we learn from Amitabha Buddha, the love is pure, without condition and transparent. This is truly loving a person. It is not easy to learn this. We look at the couples around us. So many got married and end up in divorce. How about those who do not get a divorce? Yes, they spend the whole life fighting！The truly loving couples are as few as the stars in the broad day light. So, learning to love is our homework for the whole life. It is not easy. Today I would like to discuss this passage with you. After reading her writing I feel most shameful as what the author has said is very true in accord with her experience. Even though I have left home for more than twenty years, receiving the teaching of the Buddha, the guidance of the patriarch, the exhortation of my Master, the help of my lotus friends and all, I still feel I am lacking in genuine practice and virtues. On the contrary this lady has not met with the Buddha Dharma. She has such an awakening after dying once, it is truly a gain for her. She said, ‘After my body stopped functioning, I entered into another world.’ She was so seriously ill that her heart, her liver and everything stopped functioning. This is to show there is a world after death. She said, ‘I saw myself as a very wonderful person. This is because I was not terrorised until I had a change in shape.’ ‘I felt there was this vibrant energy around me and I was able to enter it. I realise if a man can see his wonderful existence, he must be the happiest man.’ Most of us like to complain about our imperfect existence. We often think thus, ‘I do not have enough money. I am not healthy. I am not pretty. I do not have enough clothing ….’ Here we must learn to see the good points in us, to appreciate the value of our existence. A woman who can say like this is truly very calm in mind. A man who always complains about himself will not be able to live happily each day. So, without knowing the love of Amitabha for us, we will be a great complainer. We complain about no money, we complain about our look, our wrinkles and so on and so forth. What kind of life will this be with so many complaints? She said, ‘I found that there was this power surrounding me.’ When we pass away, we will no longer be using our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind to observe. Instead, we will be awakened to our innate Buddha. She felt she is surrounded by this vibrant field of energy and she is also this energy. What kind of power is this? It is a kind of energy. It is always in the universe or the dharma realm in the Buddhist terms. In fact, this is Amitabha Buddha. This is the strength of the Buddha Nature. She uses her Buddha Nature to experience the Buddha Nature. It exists forever. It is neither born nor become extinct. If the Buddha enters the world or does not enter the world, it is always there without changing. Of course, she does not use these Buddhist terms. She said, ‘When I give up the attachment to the mundane world, I enter another world effortlessly. It is unnecessary to pray, to recite a sutra or to give a dharma talk. It is unnecessary to seek forgiveness, repentance or other methods.’ ‘Death gives me the feeling that I do not need to do anything. It is just as though I am telling someone I am coming to the end. I cannot do anything anymore. I give up. Whatever you want to do I will just accept.’ I feel that this passage is very near in meaning to the Pure Land’s view. It means when we die, we have just to let go as nothing can be done anymore. Most people die in torment as there are many attachments in this world. They are worried about their children, money and work. Some people find it difficult to die. So, from here we must learn to let go when it is our turn to leave the world. Moreover, we have the promise from Amitabha Buddha who will come to receive us in accord with the strength of his vows. It is much easier for us. This lady just let go and she entered another world. Her state should be quite high too. I will explain below. I feel that she had arrived at the border of the Pure Land. Her state of an awakened mind showed that she was not in the heaven. She seemed to be enlightened to the Buddha nature and non -existence of a self. She experienced the light of enlightenment and returned to life, to lead a life of love. So, in our practice we are told to let go of all attachment and to wish for a rebirth in the Pure Land relying on Amitabha’s strength of vows. So from here we can see it is very easy to be born in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She said it is unnecessary to recite a sutra, a dharma or seeking for forgiveness. She enters the other world naturally when she simply gives up herself. I remember once I went with my Master to console a dying man. I was very touched by my Master’s words. He said kindly to the man who is on the verge of death, ‘So and so, now we will recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. If you can recite, then recite together. If you can’t, just lay down and relax. It is ok if you just listen to our recitation.’ Are not these words very comforting? The dying man will feel very safe and relax. But if you were to say, ‘So and so, this is the last chance. Bring out all your strength to face death. If you can recite then recite together. If you cannot recite, you must try also!’ On listening to this threat, the sick man is stressed out. He will die instantly as he has no strength to join in recitation. The Master who with his great love understands the rescue of Amitabha Buddha is a natural process that he is able to say in such a comforting way. No condition is needed. There is no threat nor fright in his words. A man who threatens people is not calm as he must be frightened too in his mind. That is why what he says will frighten people, giving stress to others. If we are loving in our mind, our words will only bring love, peace and calm to others. People will feel our love for them. So, this lady says it is unnecessary to read or recite any prayer or seeking forgiveness. This is because the wavelength of her mind is on a par with the great love of the universe. She naturally enters it. Namo Amitabha Buddha is a dharma that requires no seeking or pleading. It is a dharma of rescue without condition. When we recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, the wavelength of our mind is the same as Amitabha Buddha. So, we will attain a rebirth naturally. Many of us who do not understand the kindness of Amitabha Buddha will seek a rebirth by pleading to the Buddha every day. His mind is unsettled and frightened that he might be left out. This is because he does not understand when he recites the Buddha’s name, the wavelength of his mind is in the same frequency with Amitabha Buddha’s mind and vows. Then people will ask, ‘Do we still go to recite the Buddha’s Name for the dying man?’ ‘Yes, of course.’ This is because the dying man has yet to understand this point. When we recite for him, he will be safe in the shine of Namo Amitabha Buddha. This is a method which is bestowed upon us to save us with this Name in accord with the strength of the Buddha’s vows. When she says to somebody, this refers to Amitabha Buddha. She says she cannot do anything anymore and she gives up. She gives herself up to the Buddha. So, when we die do not try to fight with death and refuse to die. We must just admit we are the offender and we need the help of Amitabha Buddha to take us, to rescue us. Namo is to admit we take refuge in the Buddha, we surrender ourselves. When we cultivate this door, we must not add in our ideas. We must just let Amitabha Buddha to decide for us. This is because Amitabha has the power of great vow, the extensive great strength of the Buddha Nature, the strength of immeasurable light, the strength of immeasurable lifespan. We just have to give up all planning. He will plan for us. So, when we recite the Name of the Buddha, just recite without thinking of doing this or that trying so hard to reach a certain acceptable standard. These are all unnecessary. This type of thinking is the habit of the sagely path cultivators. When we sit on the plane, just sit there. The plane will bring you to your destiny. It is unnecessary for you to help the plane to fly. Amitabha Buddha the pilot does not need you to fly the plane. If he needs your help then he is not known as Amitabha Buddha. Anita said, ‘In the other world, I found that my mind is very clear and bright. I realise by myself that I will only die out of the fear and terror in my mind.’ These words are very true. Clarity of mind means her mind is pure. In this world our mind is turbid, dark and deluded. That is why are enveloped in all kinds of worries and terror. But once we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally be pure and bright. This is because the land is pure and is enveloped in bright illumination. She said she naturally know she will be cured. This knowing ability is possessed by us originally. No learning is needed because our Buddha nature is originally pure and bright. In the Saha world our ability is being covered up by afflictions. But when we arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, we will naturally possess this ability. This ability reappears relying on the strength of Vows of Amitabha Buddha. When we arrive at the Pure Land, we will naturally possess the ability to make offerings to the Buddha. On hearing one sentence we are enlightened to the millions. Our mind is opened up to the thousands of million Dharanis. Everyone of us have this innate ability. And Amitabha Buddha’s strength of Vows enhances its opening. In this Saha World our innate nature is all covered up and cannot function. In the world of ultimate bliss, by relying on Amitabha Buddha’s strength of great vows, our innate ability is open up. So they are not contradicting. ‘I naturally know the source of the thought that I will die. The source is I was frightened. If there is no fear, there is no death.’ In actuality there is no death. It is only our fear of death that this illusion comes froth. In Buddha dharma we should know death itself is an illusion. Time is also an illusion. That is why the Buddha speaks all the Sutra in this manner, ‘Thus have I heard, at one time the Buddha was…..’ No specific time is stated. Now the physics has proven its illusory. As time is an illusion, it does not exist. Let me give you an example of what is meant by death. It is as if we are driving a car into a tunnel. The shape of the tunnel resembles that of a tomb. And we keep on driving into it. We say we are entering the tomb, that we are going to die soon. We are threatened as the entrance represents death. We continue on our journey in the tunnel and later leave the tunnel, again travelling on our way to another destiny. The entrance of the tunnel, the funeral wreath looks like the tomb. For us, death is a terrible idea that we are fearful of it. We do not know life is a continuity and there is no death. It is our wrong concept that there is this section of birth and death. No one can do anything about it until they personally realise it. ‘I am unable to live out my real self as I have too much worried.’ Most of us live in this world wearing a mask. If everyone of us is free to show our real self this is the most beautiful side of a self. Why cannot we live the way we should live? It is because we are always burdened with worries. We are worried we are not good enough. We are worried that our parents will scold us. We are worried our teacher will get angry and criticize us. We are worried about losing face. We only live for others. We lose our life away trying to accord to others’ expectation. We lose the light of a happy life. Our life is controlled by all these worrisome thoughts. But if we truly recite the Buddha’s Name, our mind will be at ease. Amitabha Buddha takes away our worries by replacing them with Namo Amitabha Buddha. We will realise all these worries and views are not important and we will gradually pay no attention to them. Our true life is Buddha recitation. That is our real identity. Our mind will be at ease as we will pay no attention to those unreal things, words and ideas. Our worries only arise when we care too much about the mundane matters. The author has not learnt about Buddhism. This is her experience in death. What she has written is very personal, true experience, not something that we learn from a book. Her experience gives her an awakening to the reality of life and she lives out her life in this awakening. I saw her video and I feel she is an enlightened person. An enlightened person may not be replete with spiritual penetration. But she will reveal her love in her daily living. She is calm at ease and without any sense of fear in her mind. She leads her life in a genuine way. She said, ‘I know that cancer is not a punishment neither is it a retribution. Cancer is my energy capacity which reveals itself on my body. Because of my fear I am unable to reveal the beautiful self in me. And this is the job which should be carried out by me. I know that cancer is not a punishment which is forced on me. It is not an external force of retribution.’ This is what we often do when certain things happen, we will try to find an excuse or put the blame on reward or retribution. We treat the misfortune with anger and hatred. We often have this tendency to catogorise every happening in accord with the cause or reason. In Buddhism we talk about cause and effect. As she is not a Buddhist she says, ‘Cancer appears as a result of a change in my energy capacity. This energy shows itself in the form of cancer.’ This is because she lives in fear and worries. She does not live out her real happy self. So if we the Buddha recitation cultivators are able to reveal the bright side of life, to live without worries, there will be no more cancer for us. This is her understanding about life. That is why I have often said, ‘Lead a life of a mundane man and recite the Buddha’s Name sincerely.’ We should lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Our life will be full of light and blessings. And we will become more loving. Finally we will lead a comfortable life and people around us will be comfortable also. This itself is the propagation of the dharma of love. Otherwise, if we cannot live a loving life, there is no point talking about anything as they will be useless. Anita said, ‘In that state which is vast and limitless, I found that I am too strict with myself. I keep on whipping myself.’ Can we feel the existence of being vast and limitless? No. We are often limited by our surrounding. As she had entered the limitless vastness, she is able to know her whole life. She knows her fault is being too strict with herself. In fact, most of us are very strict with ourselves, demanding ourselves to be like this or that. She said, ‘No one is punishing me. The person whom I cannot forgive is I myself. I have abandoned myself. I do not love myself. This matter is none of others’ business.’ No one from outside comes to punish us. It is we who punish ourselves. We cannot forgive our selves. We add on a lot of unnecessary locks and chains on ourselves. What is more for us the Buddha reciters? If we recite the Buddha’s name and on the other hand, we add on ourselves lots of locks and chains whence Amitabha Buddha is trying to unlock us, isn’t this a most pitiful situation?’ She said that she had abandoned herself. It means we throw ourselves away and become a lone ranger, an isolated person living a life of sadness, a live without love. Look at a baby. Her eyes are clear as the baby is a simple being, just like a simple puppies or baby cat. The baby can play with chickens, puppis as she does not give rise to diffentiation. Not everyone of us is like Anita. But every one of us can recite the Buddha’s name. When we recite the Buddha’s name, we will be calm. Amitabha Buddha said, ‘In the world of fear I comfort them with great love.’ It is because all the worries are gone when we accomplish Buddhahood at the Pure Land. We will not be so worried about our poverty, health problem, ugliness, stupidity, inability to recite a sutra, a mantra. All these are unimportant as finally I will become a Buddha in the Buddha Land. We will be more humorous. For example, if we are ugly we will use it as a joke. It does not matter at all. Because all the external states are not you. The real self, our real life is the Buddha’s Name. It is our true identity. It will bring ease to our mind. A baby is pure. But as it grows up, it starts to abandon himself. A baby resembles a glass of pure water. When he grows up, his greed starts to accumulate when he wants a toy, a book, good results, money, benefits, fame women and so on. All these are placed in the glass of water. Everything is a piece of mud that we put in out glass. The more we put into the glass, the more the water will flow out. This water is the genuine self. We abandon the true self, chase it out with our greed. We fill ourselves with all the rubbish. The genuine blessings and bliss are chased away. We lead an opaque life without transparency. Our life become a glass of muddy water and we live in great torment. The more we obtain, the more we lose ourselves. That is why the Buddha is truly kind. He and his disciples lead a life of a beggar. When you have nothing, you will be happy and relax. The mind retains its purity. Human beings are deluded as they think to possess a wife, children, a house, a car are called blessings. A man who truly loves himself does not love money, sex, fame, food, sleep. These five desires are the knives that will cut us into pieces and bring on great sufferings. Anita said, ‘I realise I am the child of the beautiful universe. As long as I exist, I will obtain this unconditional love.’ This is very good. I would like to make the following changes, ‘I realize that I am the son of the adorned Amitabha Buddha.’ In Buddhism we use adorned to replace the word beautiful. The universe is this Amitabha Buddha. In the Sutra we are told Amitabha Buddha is the Treasury Body of the Dharma Realm. Amitabha Buddha exists in the whole of the Dharma Realm. Of course, there are also the reward body and transformation bodies beside the dharma body. Amitabha Buddha is the immeasurable wisdom and lifespan. Anita says that the universal energy is abundant and inexhaustible, vast and without limits. This is the existence of the Buddha Nature. She says as long as she exists, she will surely obtain the unconditional love. I often also say, ‘No conditions are required for us to receive the love and rescue of Amitabha Buddha.’ Let us take the analogy of a tree. As long as it exists, it will receive the sunlight. No other condition is needed. So it is the same for the house and everything on earth. Amitabha Buddha’s Name is also known as the Light that Far-surpassing the Sun and Moon. Amitabha Buddha’s light pervasively illumines all the living beings and things in the world. As long as we exist, we will receive the light of the Buddha, the protection of his loving kindness and rescue. It is unnecessary for us to become somebody so as to receive the unconditional rescue of Amitabha Buddha. Our Master Hui Jing also wrote a book on the ‘Unconditional Rescue of the Buddha.’ Some people cannot believe. He says, ‘If this is the case everyone will commit evils.’ Such a thinking is negative and full of fear as his mind is dwelling in darkness. He is afraid that the world will go upside down. He cannot understand that as long as there is the existence, may they be a cat, a dog, a hell being, they will be taken care of by Amitabha Buddha. The only condition is they exist. This reminds me of the words of Great Master Tan Luan, ‘The future scholars who hear about the rescue of the Buddha, the rescue that relies on other’s strength, he should give rise to faith. Do not refuse such a chance. It is being stupid.’ Do not think that you should do this and that to obtain the rescue? Amitabha Buddha did not ask you to do anything. He says, ‘Living beings in the ten directions who have faith in me.’ It means they exist and the Buddha will be there to save them. Buddha recitation is not a condition. It is just a method of saving. Anita says, ‘I do not have to do anything to obtain this love.’ Just like a blade of grass in the water. Does it need to do anything to obtain water? It is unnecessary. As long as it exists, it is surrounded by the water. As long as we exist, we are surrounded by the love of Amitabha Buddha. We do not need to do anything to obtain this love and care. Once we know this, we will be fearless and calm at ease. This is the same as the sunlight which shine on the mountain and also the valley. In our life no matter what level we are we will receive the illumination of Amitabha Buddha. Anita says, ‘No prayer, no seeking is needed.’ Amitabha’s rescue is there always. As long as we recite, we will be saved by him. Amitabha Buddha says, ‘All living beings in the ten directions who call on me will be saved by me. You only have to say out my name.’ You say you are dumb and cannot call the name. Such a man who understands the rescue of Buddha will also be saved even if he cannot pronounce the Name. But if you are unwilling, you are creating an obstacle for yourself. That is why our dharma door is known as the ‘The Dharma is taught without being asked.’, the ‘Befriend us without being asked’. As long as we trust him, he will come personally to take us to his Pure Land. On hearing that nothing is needed to be done, some will be confused. They want to do something, to clean the altar, to change the water, to offer some fruits and incense, to sit in meditation and so on. They think this will help them to attain a rebirth. They have to do something. They do not realise what they need to do is to reveal the beautiful self, to lead the adorned life and let themselves become the love. As long as we sit there and lead a loving life we are in accord with the love of the Buddha Amitabha. When the sun is shining, you say, ‘It is good. A shiny day.’ When it is raining, you say, ‘Very good. It is raining now.’ When it snows, you say, ‘Good, I love snow.’ This way of living is to add the positive loving energy to this universe. You are spreading the pure and harmony energy to the universe. In the Buddha Dharma it is known as the lights shine on one another. The whole universe will receive the positive energy of your loving and harmonious mind. So, what you need to do is to recite Namo Amitabha Budda loudly, softly, silently. All will be ok. If we live this way, Amitabha Buddha will be most happy to see us. It is just like a child who is sleeping in the cradle. Doing nothing. What do you think? Will the mother be happy to see him like that? Yes, of course. She will be very glad with him just sleeping there. Nothing has to be done. A child in the arms of his mother is the revelation of total trust. And this is the same for us to be in the arms of Amitabha Buddha. We just relax and trust him. We will lead a happy life. And this is the genuine way of living in accord with the love of oneself. More often than not we lead a life with worries, fear, twisted emotions and trying to cover up our faults. Our adorned life cannot be revealed. Everyday, we live in fear and worries. This is adding chains and locks to ourselves. Anita says, ‘I have never truly loved myself before. I have never valued my existence. I have never seen the adorned soul in me.’ She uses soul to describe herself. In the Buddha Dharma this refers to the beauty and adorned Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I am so beautiful yet I have never realised it. It is replaced with the hard facts of mundane existence. I decay because I do not understand my beautiful soul.’ In the Buddha Dharma it is described as all living beings are originally the Buddha. Yet we do not live, in accord with our Buddha Nature. We are often controlled by our mundane existence, the salary, the examination results and such like. We forget of our Buddha Nature. We lead a life of decay, a life of erosion. This is the General path of Buddhism. From the angle of Buddha Recitation, the rescue of Amitabha is always with us, only that we do not realise it. We try all kinds of methods hoping for the Buddha to rescue us. We do not know that we just have to admit we are the mundane men who are covered with offences. There is no other way to save ourselves if we do not rely on Amitabha Buddha. Then we let go and recite the Buddha’s Name wholeheartedly. This is the way to be saved by the Buddha. But most people cannot understand this. They want to do something good, to be pretentious and make out something good of himself, to scold people for their lacking in virtues and such like. This is against the practise of this pure land door. Why cannot the people in the world see their pretention? It is because they are also not living a true life. Their eyes are not clear enough to see through this pretention. A fake man sees something fake and he will treat it as genuine. A clear -headed man will surely be able to see through all these false masks. If we were to wear a false mask for too long it will be difficult to remove it. It has grown on to our skin. It will be painful if we want to remove this fake mask. So it takes time for us to loosen this false mask as we have been wearing them for too long. Anita says, ‘This understanding makes me realise that I do not have to be frightened anymore.’ There is no more fear in her mind. It is a mind of calm and bliss. It is a mind which is full of hope. It is a comforting mind that can soothe others. With this calm and happy mind it is already a contribution to all around us. It is already a protection and mindfulness to all around us. We do not have to do anything at all. Most of us live in fear. We pay for insurance because we are afraid when we get old, we have no money, no money to pay the medical fees. We get married out of fear that we will be lonely. Why do we give birth to children? We are afraid no one will take care of us at old age. Why do we go to school? It is because we are afraid of our mother’s anger. Why must we study hard? We are afraid of our teacher. Why do we go to university? We are afraid people will look down on us. Can we live without fear? We cannot. Even our mother who loves us so much say we will suffer if we do not study hard. From our young age we receive the education of fear. We are threatened by our beloved parents, our responsible teachers. We do not receive the education of love. So, if we love our children, do not add fear to them. We must give only love and courage so that they can face life with their original positive energy, positive strength. This is because the world is full of twisted people, fake people, suffering people. There are very few upright men, genuine men, happy and hopeful men around. I only hope all of you my lotus friends will bring up a future generation who is upright, genuine, happy and hopeful with the strength of Amitabha Buddha. So, we must lead a life based on the right values taught by Amitabha Buddha. If we teach our child to fight for self -benefit, to contend with others, we are making them blind so that they do not see the truth of life. This is harming them. If we are enlightened to this, we will only rely on Amitabha Buddha. We are not afraid to be lonely. We will be at ease. Those who see the light, the warmth of the Buddha will no longer be frightened. Anita says, ‘I realise this is a state that can be reached by myself and everyone.’ In Zen sect it is said all living beings are Buddha. In the Buddha recitation door, everyone can recite the Name, everyone can attain a rebirth and everyone can accomplish Buddhahood. This is the bestowment by Amitabha Buddha. All the things that we fight for may not be beneficial to us. Everything that benefits us are often free. For example, the air we take in every instant is free. We do not pay to stand on the earth. We do not pay to look at the sky above. Whatever we fight and earn to get are valueless. Everything that is valuable is free. In the general practice it is said, ‘No cultivation is the cultivation. Nothing is obtainable. This is the state of a bodhisattva. The original face of all dharma often dwells in the mark of still extinction. Our Buddha Nature is replete with all merits and virtues. We cannot cultivate anything to enhance it. This is because all the things that we can do are only dreams, illusion, bubbles and shadow. Whatever that we do, that we create are not in accord with our Buddha Nature. The Buddha Nature is always there, original and shining out naturally. And in our Pure Land Dharma, whatever we have offered, whatever we have done are not the causes for our attainment of a rebirth. Attaining a rebirth is the state of nothing doing. It stays apart from creation or doing. It is a natural state. Reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha helps us to return to this state. Anita said, ‘So I decided to return to the mundane world.’ She has enlightened to the opportunity of life and she decided to come back to tell us about life. Just like many Pure Land cultivators who say that they will not come back any more to sufferings. Yet when they arrive at the Pure Land and brings forth the Bodhi mind, they will come back by themselves to help other beings. Anita said, ‘When I was on the verge of death, I realised the universe comes forth from unconditional love. I am one of the revelations of this love in my present form.’ For the scientists they will say the universe is made from electron, protons, neutrons and so on. This is talking only at the surface level, the materials. But as she talked from her true experienc,e she can see all the things, all the people are the expression of this universal love. When she comes back from death, she deeply penetrates the genuine love the mother universe and her wavelength is in accord with the universal love. She comes back as a healthy woman. So once there is a change in our mind set, the body, the people and the surroundings will also change. In the eyes of Buddha and Bodhisattva there is no differentiation of filth and purity. Everything is pure and adorned in its own expression. Every one of us is the art piece of this unconditional love or in the Buddha’s words, the Buddha Nature. She said, ‘I cannot change into another form as it is my original expression, original nature of this unconditional love.’ Everything that exists is the expression of the Buddha Nature. Even something which is defiled or unwholesome is also part of the expression of this unconditional everlasting love. That is why the Buddha says, ‘All the Dharma from the original state dwells constantly in still extinction.’ Still extinction refers to Nirvana the state of the Buddha. So, when we recite the Buddha’s Name we will enter the Buddha’s dwelling. ‘The energy capacity of the strength of life forms derives from love. And I am made from the universal energy capacity. On knowing this, I realise I do not need to become somebody else. And my true value will not be depreciated too.’ Anita said, So, it is unnecessary for us to become another man. A business man does not need to become Jack Ma. Why is this so? It is because you are equal to him. He is not higher than you. He has the Buddha Nature and you also have the Buddha Nature. Every one is equal. So we do not need to measure in terms of money especially if we truly know the benefits of Buddha recitation. In the eyes of the Buddha every one of us is a shining star. We do not need to chase after another star. Just imagine the havoc it will be when the stars do not dwell in its orbit and try to chase after another star. What a chaos the universe will become. Everyone of our existence is in perfect conditions in the eyes of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘This is the I that I have always wanted to be.’ she said. We must learn to appreciate ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves. This ‘I’ is invaluable under the unconditional love of the Rescue of Amitabha Buddha. We are his precious sons, the pearls on his hand. If we are accepted by the Buddha, we will be so happy as we will have no complaint about ourselves. We are often surrounded by people who keep on complaining about us. The first one is our mother who says that we are not clever, we have low marks. We are not filial. We earn too little. See how our mother teaches us not to appreciate ourselves. Then we are blamed by our teacher, our classmates, our girl -friend and so on. Then comes Amitabha Buddha who studies us and says, ‘Put aside all the complaints. You are qualified to attain Buddhahood. No problem at all. I give you 100 percent.’ That is why we Buddha Recitation Practitioners are always at ease under the shine of Amitabha Buddha who give us the confirmation. This is the greatest benefits the Buddha bestows upon us. Buddhism brings hope and bliss to the world, the universe. So, in this life’s time we must try our best to lead a life of Amitabha Buddha. Do not be swayed by the mundane values, mundane eyes, mundane perspective. We rely only on the outlook of the Buddha and Bodhisattva. ‘Once we know that we are this love, it is unnecessary to purposely go forth to shower love on others. As long as we are faithful to our original nature, we will automatically become the tools of love, touching the hearts of everyone who have affinity with us.’ This part of her speech is very good. If we are already the lamp, there is no need for us to go out purposely to shine on others. The lamp just stands at its place and it manages to brighten up the place. So, when we are the LOVE, we will naturally touch those around us with our love. Take a look at our Master Hui Jing. He sits there quietly and yet every one of us are calm and happy naturally. So when we become the love, wherever we are, all will feel calm at ease, without any fear. Anita said, ‘The most important thing I have learnt is I am the Love itself. All my fears are gone. This is the reason I come into life again.’ Amitabha Buddha said, ‘I will transform all the fear into great calmness, great serenity’ When We recite His Name we are charged with his love. We also become the love. We will leave behind all fear. ‘My dear, you will always be loved. You do not need to harbour any fear. There is no way for you to commit any errors.’ Always think about these three sentences. There is the light of truth in it. This is spoken by a non -Buddhist who was on the verge of her death and who lives again. How about us the Buddha Recitation Practitioners? Can we deny the love of Amitabha Buddha, His unconditional love of rescue? From this story we know the unconditional love of rescue of the Buddha pervasively surrounds us. We must have faith in this and lead a life of joy with no more fear. Nowadays, everyone lives in fear. We must learn to replete ourselves with love and bring this shine to others, to lead them out of fear. Love yourself and love others. Namo Amitabha Buddha. A dharma talk by Dharma Master Shi Jing Zong, the Abbot of the Hong Yuan Monastery in Anhui, China entitled: Dying Once to Learn to Love

I had the Ross Procedure performed 2 weeks ago and so my sternum isn't close to being healed. I caught a really bad cold from my 2 year old who goes to daycare. Well now I'm constantly fighting the urge to cough. When I do have coughing fits, it's blinding pain and will immobilize me for the next 10 minutes or longer. I can handle the pain, but what I'm concerned about is my sternal wires coming loose, and whatever that has healed breaking. I noticed a very slight clicking when I breathe, that stops when I place my hand on my sternum. It has me concerned. It is very slight, and didn't last long. Doesn't seem to be there anymore. I've been prescribed a steroid inhaler to reduce inflammation, and a few days worth of codeine to suppress my cough and help with pain management. But this stuff doesn't stop the coughing. Just reduces the amount I need to cough, perhaps. I'm still always fighting the urge.
Does anyone have experience with this? I basically sit in my couch-chair all day to not aggravate my coughing. My sternum, other than the pain from coughing, seems to be firm and holding up so far. I know they encourage coughing to reduce chance of pneumonia, but not like this. It puts a LOT of strain on my chest

Looking to make new friends anywhere in the USA, girls or guys, honestly anyone above 18 and under 39, someone who can hold a conversation, messaging or voice chat either works with me, I also love to debate, hmu if you're interested in being friends (let me know if you wanna chat or voice chat) and your age and where you're from and where you'd like to vc.

This is my 2nd video after 20 days and took me exactly 1 week from writing the script to uploading it. (It still took 2 weeks more because I was moving cities.)
I've made it with true love without worrying about the metrics – views, likes, subs.
It's a massive upgrade from my previous video in terms of editing and overall presentation. This is my best editing so far.
The tips I've shared in this video hold immense value if you want to shine at work.
The personalities I've mentioned in this video – I am a huge fan of most of them.
This will act as a baseline for my future videos, and I am very excited about how much I am gonna improve.

If you happen to watch it, please do leave feedback/questions/suggestions. You'll make my day.

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This is my 2nd video after 20 days and took me exactly 1 week from writing the script to uploading it. (It still took 2 weeks more because I was moving cities.)
I've made it with true love without worrying about the metrics – views, likes, subs.
It's a massive upgrade from my previous video in terms of editing and overall presentation. This is my best editing so far.
The tips I've shared in this video hold immense value if you want to shine at work.
The personalities I've mentioned in this video – I am a huge fan of most of them.
This will act as a baseline for my future videos, and I am very excited about how much I am gonna improve.

If you happen to watch it, please do leave feedback/questions/suggestions.
https://youtu.be/c1shCgB6aUY

I still miss him. I was 20f and he was 27. I moved far away for a few months and we met on Bumble. We talked about Pokémon to break the ice. He was my dream guy. My perfect match. He was a recovering addict that smoked cigarettes and weed 24/7. Yea it's silly, but he changed the direction of my life.
He cradled me, he kissed me on the forehead, he held my hand in public, we watched fireworks together, he let me pick his brain, and he reassured me. As much as I needed him to.
It was the most raw and passionate I've ever felt. I felt so loved. He indulged me. We had the same scent. He was so sexy and he thought I was sexy.
Part of me knew I'd never see him again, so I asked for some of his belongings. He happily obliged. A musty wife-beater with his musk, an old work t-shirt with a naked anime woman from his past job at a sex shop, a The Flaming Lips tour shirt, a drawing from school that took inspiration from The Silversun Pickups album art, along with a note he left for me and the roach of the last joint we shared together.
The last night we shared together at the condo I was staying in I told him I loved him at the end of our lovemaking. He told me he loved me too. That was the only time we said our I love you's. It hurt that I couldn't get any closer to him. We cuddled and slept all night and he helped me pack for my trip back home. He ended up letting me stay at his home one more night. The next day I drove him to work. I told him goodbye and that I will miss him. I asked for him to wait for me and he said he would. He closed the door and I started crying. He came around to my side of the car and gave me a long kiss, and then a tender kiss on my forehead to set me free. I drove hundreds of miles home.
We talked here and there on a short video messaging app. Our contact ended completely when I shaved my head at the beginning of last year. I still have the app, and I can still see our old videos. Every once in a while I will go back to that app after I dream of him to make sure he is still living, as morbid as that sounds. I hope that one day he will send me a video. He was active today.
I know he's seen other girls after me. There's no way he hasn't. It doesn't hurt me and I don't know why. I've tried dating after him and I've even tried hooking up with someone, like we had the first time we met in person. It's never been the same. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if he feels that way too.
I still love him. If he finds this I don't care. Yea if it was one-sided this could be pretty creepy. I'm sorry for this. I've never told anyone the full story of our time together, and it's just been bubbling inside of me. I have no real friends to gush over you to, and to reminisce to. Sorry about posting it on reddit. I hope you can forgive me. I still love you.

Anyone know if this site is legit ?? I just downloaded it and Iv had a few girls message me and Iv been messaging them back. I’m just curious to know if this is just a scam or is this real ? Feedback would be helpful , thank you

I am not talking about her on the show, but her now. She was just a child then and whilst she had some of the traits that I dislike about her now back then, I wouldn’t hold it against her.
It’s very obvious to me that she thinks she is better than everyone, particularly those on dance moms. She won’t say the name of the show, pretends like she is an ACTOR first rather than a DANCER.
She seems like she is thirsty to be in the Hollywood circle and thinks she is in the same league as other talented actresses her age like Jenna Ortega, Rachel zegler and milly bobby brown. They all have decades of acting experience on her and it shows. Jenna in particular has a real passion, rather than caring about all the social status. Rachel as well seems to genuinely have an appreciation and love of musical theatre. Maddie seems to only enjoy acting so she can be on the screen, and I do not enjoy or find her acting convincing. However, she is a very talented dancer and should have gone in that direction for her career.
She is quite entitled as the only reason she was discovered was because she was on dance moms and was Abby’s favourite. There are many other talented dancers that could’ve been in chandelier and then on jimmy fallon. She has some talent, for sure, but is extremely ungrateful. At the end of the day, she was treated far better by Abby and got all these opportunities that led her to being a B lister and the other girls being D listers.

Let me give you some context. In 2018 I joined twitter and I discovered my husbands “likes” and women he was following. I also saw all his comments on their posts (sexually commenting on their bodies.) Seeing his thoughts in black and white on other naked women broke something in me and I instantly felt betrayed, cheated on and not loved at all. My self confidence went in the toilet after that. I felt like he was living out fantasies and a double life. I always knew he looked at porn, but the comments and the fact that you can dm twitter users makes the women so much more “real” than just a porn actress who does it for a living. After this I became hyper sexualized, wearing slutty outfits, wanting sex more, because I just felt like I wasn’t pretty enough, sexy enough, etc. We talked about his twitter use and I asked him to please not follow or comment on any women that post sexually explicit photos and videos because it felt like he was rubbing it in my face. I kind of bottled up my feelings for the sake of our marriage and because I love him but I never got over it and I don’t fully trust him, but I put it out of my mind. We spent the majority of 2023 losing weight. He lost 100 lbs and I love 45. I was never really that overweight but now I’m in the best shape since I was 20 and I look really great and so does he. We have sex 5-6 times a week and both feel better about it because we are so much thinner. However I’m still majorly insecure and have terrible self esteem. He is still looking at naked people on twitter. He says he does it because it feels more real to him than watching porn hub. They are real people and not scripted. This doesn’t make me feel better at all, in fact that statement made me feel so much worse. Does real mean more attainable to him? I don’t know. The people he looks at look nothing like me at all. I’m blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, and fair skin. I’m thin but have curves. They are usually brunettes or women with pink or other colored hair. He also went as far as downloading telegram because it was on some bimbos linktree. To me I felt like it was more than just looking at photos. You liked someone and it prompted you to download a messaging app to see more. He didn’t message anyone, but the fact that he downloaded it hurt my feelings, what was his intention. Was he going to start messaging this woman? I’m so confused because he tells me all the time how much he loves me, how beautiful I am and how fucking hot I am (his words) and he is also very supportive and caring. But even with my supposed hotness and us having lots of sex he is still on Twitter looking at naked women daily. Like WTF!! I know this because I checked his phone the other day (I know it was wrong and I shouldn’t do it, but I did it anyway.) I literally do not know what to think or how to feel. He doesn’t know I know and when I made a general comment about him still looking at porn, he lied right to my face with not even a pause or care in the world. So my question, do I trust what he tells me in person and how he treats me when we are together (which is great) and let him have his dirty secret about looking at naked women daily or should I be right not to trust him at all. Is he actually not happy with me and our marriage but we’ve been married 20 years so he pretends he is happy and loving but would prefer one of these twitter women? I know men think porn is normal and fine but it destroys their significant other and ruins marriages often. Advice??

Posted to their discord
Monsters & Memories June Stress Test and Weekend Playtest Announcement
Stress Test
We will be holding a Stress Test on Saturday, June 1st, 2024 at 1pm Eastern.

It will run for 4 hours, ending at 5pm Eastern.
If we run into stability issues, we'll either immediately patch the game or, if absolutely necessary, end the playtest (with the hopes of running one at the same time the next day, or a later date if absolutely needed)
Players will be using Fresh Characters in order to test new Combat Balance and Experience Rates. Your old characters still exist and may be used again in later tests.
Early in the test, we may be limiting characters to only the Night Harbor zone, but we will bring other zones online as soon as Stress Test data is collected.
**Disclaimer: **This is a Technical Stress Test, and some in progress work may not be as polished as in the upcoming weekend Playtest. There is also the possibility of some lag and other stability issues.

Weekend Playtest
We will be holding a Weekend Playtest starting on Friday, June 28th, 2024 at 1pm Eastern.

The test will run until Sunday, June 30th at 11:59 pm Eastern.
The servers that will be available are:
PvE - US East 1 (Stress Test characters from the above Stress Tests will be playable here)
PvE - US East 2 (Fresh Server)
PvE - US West 1 (Fresh Server)
FFA PvP - US East (Fresh Server)

How To RegisteDownload Client

Register an account and log in at <https://account.monstersandmemories.com (If you already made an account in previous tests, just log in)
Download the Patcher
Make sure you're patched on the day of the test
(Optional) Read up how to play on the Quick Start Guide https://monstersandmemories.com/quick-start-guide

👑 Forge alliances, command your armies, and conquer kingdoms in Clash of Kingdoms! Download now on Google Play: 👑 Forge alliances, command your armies, and conquer kingdoms in Clash of Kingdoms! Download now on Google Play: [insert link] #ClashofKingdoms #MobileGaming #StrategyGames #ClashofKingdoms #MobileGaming #StrategyGames
https://reddit.com/link/1ct26qn/video/5gnuuf3i4p0d1/player

I held the package close, its precious contents pressed against my spine. The steady beeps that communicated life drove my exhausted legs forward. Even with the combat stimulants running rampant through my blood, my nervous system bringing fibrous polymer muscles to their brink, and a set of assisting servos practically tripling my stride speed, I was exhausted. The sun and its rays bared down on me like a predatory dragon, each ray a fang made of flame, ready to tear open my suit and scorch my skin…but not today.
“Not today!”
I picked my stride up and sent every muscle in my body past overdrive, I tore stone and sand as I sprinted farther forward and collapsed. I had finally made it to one of the only rations of shade on the desolate moon surface. As I hit the ground and retreated into the shade, I removed the pack from my shoulders and gently laid the box down. I opened the zipper that held the sunshade on and looked at the pale figure inside.
“Hello my love, I hope you’re resting well, we finally made it, now just time to wait…and you'll be better again”
I took my helmet off and took a deep breath before beginning to set up camp. I thought back to the mission room, where I was nearly denied entry to Io
“You understand the journey you’re undertaking has never been completed before? This is a mission that as of this moment has a 100% rate of failure. Do you not think it would be wiser to simply say your goodbyes and prepare for a life without her?”
I shook my head as the council stared at me with tired expressions and pained eyes
“I am three times decorated am I not?”
The head minister nodded and shuffled her papers, reading slowly from the top page
“Argon Lethius, 12 tours, 7 rotations, 153 confirmed neutralizations, 3000 pending, strength record unmatched, augmentations class S granted. You’re also the sole surviving candidate of the sky petal program”
The sky petal program, an experimental research project I had taken part in to pay for my wedding. The core concept was simple: graft photovoltaic cells onto our skin and use nanotechnology to create a bio-mechanical ecosystem within the dermis.
The result was going to be humans capable of photosynthesis, making us less susceptible to nutrition based disaster. Rejection however was high in the program and when your body is trying to fight its skin, things get ugly quickly. A dormant gene I had passed on from my mother allowed my body to accept the prosthesis but at great cost, I was now essentially allergic to solar radiation. When I'm planetside I'm just fine, but if I was in an area devoid of atmosphere, the nanotech would go overkill, usually producing energy akin to solar flares from my skin.
“Mr. Lethius, your feats and skills are unmatched, your circumstances are impossible to reproduce and the dedication you’ve shown to this coalition has been unwavering. Which is why we sympathize with your loss, and grieve with you. Crystal was-”
I snapped at her
“Is…she’s still alive”
The minister nodded and corrected herself
“I'm sorry, Crystal is an incredible addition to this council, and we are deeply sorry both internally and externally. But the dragons of Io have no official record, and the sunlight alone could overcharge you in a day, leaving not only our best military asset but also his sick wife stranded without hope of rescue”
I nodded and spoke solemnly
“3 days supply, and a ship to drop me off, if I don't respond in 4 days, come get my body and bury her where we fall. She loves it there. Even if I can't save her, I want her to rest somewhere she would be happy”
I snapped back to the present and finished setting up camp. Unpacking our supplies and connecting a set of solar panels to her cryo-chamber. I watched her take deep breaths through the ventilator as I threw a tarp overhead and began digging into the rockface.
“You’ll be ok my love, by this time tomorrow you’ll be your old self again”
I dug for hours, tearing holes in my suit and flaying the skin from my fingers. As my blood hit the white dirt and stained the cracked surface, I felt a degree of nausea rise up from my stomach. Saliva filled my dry mouth and I bit down on my tongue to prevent the vomit. Bile reached the back of my throat and I dug my fingers into the dirt, searching for the Will to resist my body’s urges. The sun couldn’t take me, my mind couldn’t shake me, I would not buckle before saving her. Before long I couldn't go on, and I needed to rest.
I swallowed hard and sat back, laying down and looking up at the harsh sky.
“Hindsight is 20/20, we can keep trying new things but sometimes this is just how things work out, I’m sorry”
I nodded as the doctor left the room and she sat motionless in her gown.
“That guy didn’t know what he was talking about, there’s so many treatments, we’ll just go to another doctor”
She brushed a strand of hair out of her face and looked up at me
“I’m tired of my love, can we go home?”
I nodded without speaking and embraced her, feeling her slow and weakened heartbeat against my chest, its rhythm in sync with my own.
“Sure, We’ll go home”
That was the last time I saw her awake, she fell asleep on the car ride home…and never woke up. I was able to bring her to the hospital where they revived her, but she was comatose, most likely asleep till the cancer kills her.
“I’m sorry my love”
I looked over at her chamber before bringing my hand up to my face and staring at the mangled flesh of my palms.
“A drop of blood for a question, a thousand heartbeats for an answer”
I heard the voice in my head as if it was a thought I had formulated all on my own, but the voice was different, it didn’t belong to me nor anyone I had ever heard before.
“A single tear for a favor, an entire ocean for its completion”
I crawled to the spot where my blood had dripped into the ground, the sand was stained red but almost completely dry. I leaned over it and thought about my honeymoon, I thought about vacations and work, time together and apart, moments where she was everything. I thought about the idea of my life without her, and then it came like a flood. Tears flowed freely from my eyes and drenched the ground, the first falling square on the red stain in the sand. The liquid pooled on top and a small ribbon of crimson fluid flowed upward into the tear drop. The ribbon danced and waved in a thin line through the microscopic ocean.
“What is your question?”
The voice came from above me now, and as I slowly looked upward, a loomed overhead, blocking the sun from view, and causing my heart to skip a beat.
“What…is your question”
Before me now stood a massive beast, speaking in the voice I had heard in my mind and digging his gargantuan claws into the sand. The tip of each toe ended in a blade that was crystalline and almost translucent. Each blade too had a glowing orange stripe that when shifted, turned the sand underneath him to panes of glass. His arms were broad and powerful, covered in green scales and his maw hung open with a light blue mist emanating from his teeth. He was the dragon, the one from Io who space gods told legends about.
“I…I want to know something about my wife”
He knelt down on his two front arms and brought his eyes to my level, a kindness flowing between his seemingly infinite pupils.
“Your wife. She is a story I myself cannot seem to get over. What do you wish to know?”
I looked up at him and let out a deep breath before gesturing to her
“Can- can she be saved”
His gaze snapped to her case and he slowly moved over to where she slept
“You brought her with you, of course you did, you could never leave her behind.
I crawled over and knelt next to him, tears still flowing from my eyes.
“Please tell me, can she make it?”
He turned around and knelt next to me, putting a massive hand gently on my shoulder and speaking softly.
“My boy, She’s already made it, just not in the direction…you were hoping”
He tapped the monitor screen and it stopped showing vitals, instead displaying a digital sign in dark red letters. I read them aloud to myself.
“Subject deceased, time since last recorded activity. 37 hours 22 minutes 48-49 seconds”
He nodded and spoke calmly
“You wanted to badly for her to live, you saw her living, even when she wasn’t”
I slammed my hand on the crate and opened the lid, picking her up in my arms and putting my ear to her chest.
“Come on, come on. You’re ok, you’re ok”
I clutched her in my arms as silence arrived to my ears. I rocked her and cried into her soft silken hair. Her pale skin had lost its glimmer and I pressed my forehead against her own. I spoke through tears and a tightened throat
‘No, she cant die, I found you! I finally found you! Come on sweetheart you’re ok right? Just wake up. He's here baby we made it, please just wake up, please”
The dragon loomed over head and let out a deep breath, speaking gently, so as not to disturb the silence
“She is gone, and even I cannot save her”
I felt my skin begin flaming as I turned my head back up toward him
“Then what can you do? What can you do if you can’t bring her back to me? Why are you a legend if you cant make her breath again?!?”
He whispered softly into her ears and I felt the wind of the world around me change
“Because I can send you to her”
The planet fell silent and she disappeared along with the dragon. The camp was gone, my hand had been healed, my suit was gone and instead I wore a thin white shirt and loose cotton shorts. I was comfortable, and as I stood to my feet I felt as if my thirst had been quenched, my hunger satiated, I was…ok.
“Hello?”
I called to the emptiness, and before long a soft sullen voice spoke back.
“Hello darling”
She took my face in her hands and turned me around, holding my cheek as my whole body shook
“Hi beautiful”
I brought my hand up to her own and felt her soft warm skin against mine, I pressed my head into her hand and leapt forward, bringing her close and up into the air as I spun her around. She laughed as I gently set her down and wrapped my arms around her.
“I’m sorry you can’t stay”
I looked at her and spoke quickly
“What do you mean I can’t stay? The dragon sent me to you, he sent me to see you, so we can be together again”
She shook her head and kissed my softly, as she pulled away she put her hand on my chest
“It’s not your time hero, I’ll see you eventually, but this is goodbye for now”
I woke up on the sand, the dragon standing over me, holding her body as she began to slowly turn to dust. His tears fell on her degrading body as he handed her to me, and lowered his head.
“I'm sorry, it’s never permanent, did she tell you goodbye?”
I took a deep breath and held her in my arms before walking a few paces forward, and laying her down on the sand. I spoke calmly as tears streamed down my face.
“Yea…she did”
He nodded
“That is more than most get, was she smiling?’
I wiped my eyes and laughed
“Yea…she was”
He fluffed his wings and let the world around us grow heavy with winds
“Then your mission is complete”
I continued to cry as I looked back at him and spoke in a wavering tone
“Did you know I was a general?”
He strolled over and sat next to me, watching her particles flow away with the storm
“You were the most powerful general of all time, incapacitating but never killing, for a man with your rank one must usually commit vast atrocities but you…you never took one life”
I nodded and watched the wind whip and carry sand alongside her body
“I didn’t want to take life, I was reprimanded over and over but I always knew there was a better way, she wanted me to try, to make it so at every opportunity we could fight without ending lives…she hated senseless death…and I think I see why now”
He spoke calmly, wiping his eyes as the last of her bones turned to crystalline dust in the wind
“Her death was not senseless, in fact you'll find that when something as beautiful as her dies, it becomes impossible to make sense of it. That does not mean it happened without sense, and it does not mean her death must be for nothing. When men first meet me, they offer a drop of blood, and that is all I require for the question, but to gain my favor, they must give up a piece of themselves”
I sighed and looked up at him
“What do you need from me then?”
He gestured to where her body had sat moments ago
“You just let the biggest piece of yourself go without a fight. You have paid for more than enough trips to see her”
I nodded and spoke without waiver
“I'm not supposed to keep visiting her though, am I? She won’t be happy till we see eachother again permanently, and if I show up prematurely…she would probably be pissed. So ,I guess now I just live?”
He laid down in the sand and let out a deep groan
“I don’t think I’ve lived in quite some time, I’ve been stranded here for so long, evading capture to exist within my freedom, too afraid to face the cosmos again”
I patted his side and gripped what was essentially his ankle
“You shouldn’t be afraid, fear doesn’t do anything for men like us. Maybe we should sit a while, and see if your fear doesn’t go away”
He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, laying down as I watched the sun rise over the horizon. My heartbeat continued, but as I watched the last of her ashes swirl through the air, I found a modicum of peace, and I thought about her.

I’m a new hire, I just finished my first day a few hours ago & I wanted to make a post about my experience so far! I looked a TON on this sub for folk’s experiences, but it feels it’s only seasoned workers or people who haven’t even done orientation yet on here 😭
I did my interview over the phone & on zoom, I wasn’t told initially we were using zoom, so I recommend downloading it before hand (or google hangouts) there, I was given a run down, asked my sizes, and asked a few questions. I was then emailed some forms to fill out (proof of ID and homeschooling in my case, I’m 16 btw)
Orientation was,,, weird but not bad. I asked for a manager & was taken to the back, where I hung out with a crew team member who pulled up (yet another) zoom call. It was another run down on basics (wash hands, applications, benefits, etc) I was also asked for two IDs at the front, so make sure to bring that! They also told me I’d get my uniform on my 1st training day, which I did.
1st day of training was,,, ghetto… but not bad! I asked for a manager & said I was here for training they apparently didn’t know I was coming in today so I had to sit and wait awhile. 5-10 mins later, a crew member gave me a bag and told me to change in the bathroom. Boy,,, was it dirty in there ☹️ and really difficult to change in LMAO. Pants were too tight & the visor didn’t fit my head. After I came out, a manager came to get me & walked me to the back again. I’ll call them Curly.
Curly sat me down, told me to "watch these videos" until I get to fries/hash brown training and walked off. I was completely alone for an hour, scrolling through more basic rundowns (hygiene, what to do if emergencies occur, food quality etc) According to what I was reading, I was supposed to be assisted by a managecrew trainer the whole time,,, so I was basically a student with the book AND teachers answer book. Curly was surprised I wasn’t taught how to clock in/out during orientation, because apparently I was supposed to have done that.
When that was over, I alerted another managecrew trainer, "Shorty" because Curly was busy somewhere else. Shorty told me I could take break & that they’d be back to get me. They me down in the restaurant area and asked me if I wanted my free meal. I sat and ate, apparently break was supposed to last 30 mins.
Well, Shorty LEFT. And didn’t tell Curly I was there, so I was there for an HOUR,,, waiting. I eventually went up and asked if we were still on, Curly was confused,,, but set me up with another co-worker who showed me how to do fries!!! I was scared, but it was easy as cake,,, until rush hour & when they went to the restroom and I was alone 😭 but still, really easy. I got a vague rundown of faces and names, chatted for a minute (aka got chatting TO) and hung around until it was time to go.
The beginning was honestly a mess, but my co-workers were all kind and really funny. I’m an extremely socially anxious person/introverted/socially stunted (it’s a lot) but honestly it wasn’t bad! I go back tomorrow for day 2 of training. I just hope I get put on fries forever because the assembly team looked like a living hell ☹️😭 (I also hope I get paid for orientation/the beginning of training like I was supposed to lmao)

In a flash of inspiration I suggested a small AU idea on discord... And people encouraged me to cook and cook hard. So I did and here's the result. I will likely have this as a 'backburner' fic to Broken Birds, writing one when I have no energy for other, so this will be lower in priority, but I hope it's enjoyable for you anyway.
Thanks to SpacePaladin15 for great universe, characters and letting fanfiction flow, as well as JulianSkies for inspiring the name of the fic and several other discord members (you KNOW who you are) for encouraging my horribleness. Without further ado... Let's open the doors of this AU.
CW: Arxur Dietary Habits, Child Suffering, Dismemberment
Memory Transcription Subject: Stynek, Venlil Cattle
Date [standardized human time]: July 12, 2136
Fur surrounding my eyes hurt from layers upon layers of dried tears. I’ve cried so much over past months, with nobody to tell me it’s going to be okay. I missed mommy. I missed my teacher. I missed my friends. I was surrounded by strangers, some of different species, but mostly venlil. None of them cared when I cried. Most cried by themselves, and to themselves instead. Nobody wanted to really talk to me, except this one other venlil child I met. I don’t even remember the name he told me. But he did know something. That me and him wouldn’t be eaten for a while because we’re too young. Unless someone important wanted to eat us. That’s why adults are bitter at the children. We weren’t in the ‘breeding pen’, whatever that meant, but in the food pen. And until I was old enough to be ‘sufficiently edible’, I’d stay here. Adults knew that. They knew that when arxur came around and chose meals out of the crowd, they’d ignore the scrawny child, so they were bitter at my luck.
I wanted to cry again, but at this point, no tears were coming out. I wished I could talk to the boy, but we got separated when they moved me and a bunch of adults onto the ship. I overheard some adults mumbling about us being rations. That made me cry more when I realized what it meant. Did it mean I was lied to? That I really was old enough to be eaten after all? I regretted wanting to grow up sooner. I was always upset when mom told me I couldn’t do something. I had to listen both because she was my mom and because she was our Governor. Now I missed hearing her voice, even if it was just telling me that I must go to bed on time and stop snacking too much before second meal.
It’s been days since I was brought to the ship. Unlike the pens I’ve been in before, this one was slowly emptying. Before, new people always were thrown in to replace ones taken to be eaten. Every day a few people would be grabbed by the arxur and dragged out. Some screaming and pleading for mercy. Those just get ignored, as everyone, myself included, huddles together in far corner. Others would accept their fate and let themselves be taken. Those are even sadder. More people start crying after seeing someone who looks dead even while still breathing taken to be finished off.
I rubbed my temple where there was still a small wound. Every cattle taken to this ship had their implants removed. I couldn’t understand anything non-venlil were saying. Or arxur for that matter. Not that much was being said...
Suddenly every head was up and all ears were flicking. I slightly turned my head to see towards the entrance. An arxur, standing in doorway, slowly scanning the crowd with predatory glint. My sense of time was barely intact, but schedule was rigid, it was too early for feeding time today. So why are they here and why are they selecting a prey already?
Suddenly I realized that it was looking directly at me, its binocular gaze locking onto my eye. I couldn’t help my reaction, yelping and flinching away, trying to scuttle towards the corner. But it seems the arxur made its choice. As it stepped and started walking towards me, the crowd parted. It was almost like that experiment with anti-magnets my teacher showed once in class, except I was the one repelling everyone around me. I tried reaching out and crawling towards them, but they just furthered the distance. Nobody was willing to contest arxur’s chosen meal.
“Please... I don’t want to...”, I cried, but it fell on deaf ears. Then I felt it. A scaly hand of a monster wrapped around my ankle. I tried thrashing, but before I could, I was lifted upside down, hitting my head on cold hard floor in process. Ow... It hurt. My vision blurred, from both the hit dizzying me and the tears that were now filling my eyes. I was being taken out... To be devoured by predators... Daddy... Mommy... “Mommy... Mommy!”
I didn’t hear anything but my own cries and clacks of arxur claws against metal floor as I was taken out of the pen. Outside of pen always seemed like nicer place to be. It was better lit and cleaner from what little I could glimpse whenever door opened. Now I’d give anything just to go back to the dirty pen, huddled together with people who don’t care about me... I didn’t want to die! I wanted to go home! To my mom and dad... Why... Wasn’t I too young? Why did that boy lie to me?! I hated him!
I couldn’t even tell where I was being taken. I knew nothing about layout of the ship. It was cleaner, it was brighter. But also there were more arxur than singular one that kept coming into the pen to take people. Being carried upside down by the leg hurt and made it disorienting but even with that I couldn’t miss how every time I entered an arxur’s field of vision, their head sharply turning to stare directly at me right until we turned another corner. I realized that I was crying out loud by now, but of course predators knew no emotion, they ignored my anguish.
Then finally, it seems, we reached a destination. I was brought to a room with a big table. Table? It was ridiculous to think predators even use tables... But there were three sitting at it. One was an arxur, particularly large and imposing. But two others were... creatures I’ve never seen before. One glimpse was enough to tell me they were predators. And they were covered in clothing, more than I’ve seen anyone ever wear. Worst thing is though, they were clearly talking to the big arxur, with external translator on the table constantly translating arxur’s hisses into the other predator’s growling noises.
This is it. Arxur found another sapient predator. The worst monsters in the galaxy now found allies. Least I could comfort myself with was that mommy would be safe... But now I felt like it’s not just me that’s about to end, but whole universe.
The arxur that was carrying me smacked me down onto the table, a fair distance away from others. I kept crying and sobbing. I think some pleads for help and for my mom came out, but I couldn’t even make out my own words. I was so scared. I was ready for fangs to pierce into my neck. And yet I wasn’t, I wasn’t ready, please, anything by that. Both the big arxur and the new predators were staring me down in hunger as I felt the worst pain of my life. My leg, held firmly to the table, burned in agony... and then pain was all I knew there. I couldn’t feel anything below my knee other than pain. Pain... Pain! I cried out at the top of my lungs, but pain wasn’t getting better. My cry did not stop until my throat burnt, but that pain was like an itch compared to what my leg felt like.
With sight blurred, I saw it. The arxur that held me down dropped my own ankle down near the big one that seemed to be in charge, staining table with orange blood. Big arxur tore a chunk off, extending it towards other predators, but they seemed to just talk. Then big arxur stopped for a few moments, tossed the chunk into its horrid mouth, and motioned to one still holding me down.
Then, for a second time in last few minutes I experienced the most agonizing pain in my life, surpassing even the pain before at least tenfold. It burned! It hurt! My throat, already sore and barely able to make sounds got revived for just long enough to let out another cry before giving out again. I wanted to pass out as I was butchered alive, but it was just so painful that I couldn’t... I was forced to be aware of how the rest of the leg, from knee to hip, was brought towards the mystery predators, sliced in half and then... That explained why it hurt so much more. Why it still hurts even more. The blade that second chop was done with was red hot, and now used to burn away at the chunks presented to the predators. They recoiled from heat, as pieces of me were presented, but after a few moments of consideration, reached out and tore a few small pieces of orange legs off my dismembered calf, starting to chew. The one with long fur on their head, seemed to almost choke on the heat, while the one with dark coloration just stared at me intently, making eye contact that I could perceive even through pain and tears directly with me, hungrily chewing, no doubt wanting more than scrap it was given...
I couldn’t watch anymore I closed my eyes, beginning to whine and sniffle. I tried calling out for mom, but my mouth was suddenly clamped shut with a band, so I couldn’t even make any more noises. Pain made it hard to move at all, and with my leg chop being replaced with a burn, I wasn’t bleeding... so I couldn’t even get the release of death. Worse yet, predators were far from eager to finish me off. I was always told their bloodthirst was the only thing that defined them, but they just left me to suffer on the table as they kept talking in their horrible noises. Their sadism was much stronger than bloodlust, that’s the only explanation...
As I lay there, I eventually let my eyelids slide open. The new predators and arxur were engaged in some conversation, piece of leg in front of arxur in charge gone completely, and pieces in front of mystery predators visibly smaller. Arxur regularly typed some things, demonstrating some things on the screen. A bunch of warrior arxur banded together, a big star chart divided in weird ways, some weird colorless picture of countless dead prey animals, unfamiliar and likely non-sapient... And then a video. A venlil exterminator, fighting off a group of arxur. She managed to get two monsters burnt before getting overwhelmed, their mask torn off before their head is bitten off by one of the greys. The moment it happens, new predators both turn their eyes towards me instantly, opened wide with hunger. I flinched away again, tears managing to flow again. The arxur were horrible... They were about to sic those new predators on Venlil Prime, I knew it in my heart. They gave them taste of our flesh, and showed them how we might be dangerous... despite the fact that we were weakest and helpless. The new predators will make us into their cattle with ease and be empowered, before proceeding to move onto the rest of Federation...
There was movement. The predators and big arxur all stood up, then locked their hands in some contest of strength momentarily. The predator with long head fur pointed towards me, and then they all stared at me for a moment. Then the conversation moved on. The arxur holding me down grabbed me again, by my remaining leg and carried me off. I felt some blood drip down my fur with me being turned like that...
There was more walking, but it was even harder to pay attention in the haze that was covering my mind. I understood what the people that were taken without struggle felt now. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I just wanted it to be over... It hurts... It hurts so much...
I felt my arms moved, hands tied behind my back, and then I was handed over to the dark-colored mystery predator. It wasn’t as large as an arxur, but it could still lift me with ease, tossing me over the shoulder like I’m a sack of ipsom flour. A momentary look around showed that I was inside a smaller shuttle now, built very different from what the insides of larger ship was. I was... being taken elsewhere again. Why...?
Some more talking in the scary predator languages, and the door separating mystery predators and the arxur closed. Once that happened, there was instant rush. I found myself tossed into some white and cold room, still bound. I could hear the predators argue, that much loud yelling at one another could only be an argument. I felt the hum of ship starting up and vibration of launch. Then after a bit, I saw the long furred predator rush past me and towards something in the back of room, at which points it made noises so horrid, that I found myself crying again. I don’t know what it was doing back there, and I didn’t want to know. The dark colored one just kept looking over the burnt stump where my leg once was. And all throughout they kept growling and shouting at one another... I was going to be torn in half between the two, wasn’t I?
Instead I felt the binds on my arms and around my face cut. First thing, I opened my mouth and took a deep breath... Only to choke on air, as it was even cooler than I expected... White room, cool air, hungry predators looking over my bloodied bits and making horrid noises... I was about to be refrigerated to be kept for future. I was rations that arxur graciously gifted to these monsters. Why...? Why me?!
I tried crying, but my throat refused to make noise after earlier screaming tore it apart. Only low coughs escaped as tears completely filled my vision. There was more. More pain, a burst of it where my leg was supposed to be, then a small prick at my other leg... More memories, of my happy family and friends at school, replaced with grimy cattle pens and constant fear... More regrets at things I wanted to do and try, but never got to... But none of it mattered. I was already dead. Even if I was still breathing and moving, I was dead the moment a grey grabbed me and dragged me onto that cursed cattle ship of theirs... It just took me until now to truly comprehend it.
The last thing I thought of as pain dulled out, finally giving way to bliss of unconsciousness, was my mom’s soft wool and warm embrace, and how I never got to feel it properly for last time before dying... Mommy... I’m sorry...

I had my anatomy scan today and can finally breathe. I’m due to have my first baby, a baby boy, in October.
During the scan, the doctor obviously does a very thorough and detailed one and my sweet boy was literally holding his weewee 😂 Doctor said “yup, he’s definitely a boy” haha it was the funniest thing ever.
Then when doctor was checking his heart valves, my little dude literally just turned around lol like “okay ppl, that’s enough” … He’s entertaining us already. My heart is just so full of love for him already 🩵🩵🩵
What funny things did your baby do during any of your scans?

This project is like no other on Solana blockchain, it's the first of it's kind and just for that reason everyone should play attention.
Let me share my excitement about the most impressive project I've ever come across. It's called $PlayDBZ, and it is backed by an incredibly dedicated developer. This individual tirelessly works day and night, engaging with the community, coding, and exemplifying exceptional human qualities.
Currently, we are gearing up for an extraordinary AMA session scheduled for the 18th of this month at 12 am. During this event, the team will unveil their latest game, which holds the distinction of being the first open-world Solana blockchain game with play-to-earn mechanics! In this AMA, the team will provide comprehensive details about the game, including its mechanics, how players can earn money, and their future plans.
The game will be completely free and will offer both low-specs and high-specs versions, ensuring accessibility for everyone. Moreover, they have been working diligently to establish partnerships with other prominent projects in the Solana ecosystem. While the details of these partnerships are still being finalized, I am excited to present the $HAMI model as an example. It's important to note that no collaboration with $Hami has been confirmed yet but there's a character already included in the game as proof of work. For anyone interested in taking a look at the project, it's very easy to go on their twitter and see all the videos of the game.
Prepare yourselves for an incredible journey! Finding a project with such strength and potential is a rare gem in the cryptocurrency space.
What interests me the most is the fact we can feel trully safe, the community is completely open and i know each one of the biggest holders, i know for a fact they will never dump, that's true because they are all personally attached to the Dev.
Everyone can see I'm talking the truth once they see the chart, a week has passed and not a single dump happened, this is a very special project to find on Solana blockchain.
CA: 22QvAEn5KucUKbxJpMzwDmgYcQ8kuktqWVathxYsL6js

I recently started working on a fan-made Season 9 Episode 1 script of House MD. It's very much in its earlier stages, and so far, I only have an intro to the whole thing. No actual story development yet, and this intro will also change as well. If people genuinely enjoy it, I might make more updates in the future, but for now, this is all I have!
(WARNING - If you haven't watched the last season of House MD yet, some of the dialogue WILL spoil things for you!)

– ACT 1 –

Welcome Home

Drip, drip, drip…
[Open on a tiny bit of light, squeezing its way through the hospital window. The light shines on House’s head, as he’s sitting down, facing down towards the ground.]
Drip, drip, drip… The dripping sounds of the chemo continued to echo throughout the silent hospital room, until it was interrupted by the sounds of dull footsteps inviting themselves into the room.
Unknown Doctor: Excuse me, are you Kyle Calloway?
House: Yes. And… Unless this is more important than my friend’s afternoon death, make this quick. Pretty please?
[House says in his sarcastic tone, with the ‘pretty please’ being high-pitched, almost like a little girl.]
Unknown Doctor: Um… Well, sir, we may need some kind of registration from you. Some of the other doctors here have started to notice that you resemble another very well-known doctor, who was recently deceased due to a–
House: [cutting off the Doctor] Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, you think I’m some kind of doctor with the ability to revive myself from the dead. Gosh, isn’t that what doctors do on a daily basis? Cure dead people or something?
[House begins to stand up using his cane, nearly shouting his sarcasm in the Doctor’s face.]
House: I mean, pfft, I’m a doctor, so I should totally know this! Remind me, doctor, what chapter was the Frankenstein unit on again? I mean, like, it completely slipped my mind! Faster than my friend here slipping into the–
[Suddenly, a noise is heard from the hospital bed. It’s Wilson, trying to move desperately into a different sleeping position. Even with all his given effort, he is unable to move into a different position. He is way too weak to do so. However, he still has some lasting energy to cut off House’s sarcasm.]
Wilson: You’re an ass.
[Both House and the Doctor stare back at Wilson, both snapping out of their argument.]
Unknown Doctor: I think I’ll just…
[The Doctor walks outside of the hospital room, leaving both House and Wilson by themselves.]
Wilson: It hurts, House.
House: I know. It’ll be over soon.
Wilson: You promised, House. I don’t wanna die… In a hospital room.
House: [attempting to ignore Wilson’s comment about his promise] Have you thought about what you’re gonna say to all the cancer patients you failed to save?
Wilson: sigh My point still stands. You’re an ass, House.
House: [softening & lowering his voice] What about Amber?
Wilson: What… About her? [Wilson is almost set back by this comment, puzzled.]
House: You know what you’re gonna tell her once you… Y’know.
Wilson: But I thought you didn’t believe in heaven?...
[All of a sudden, House shouts, filled with deep grief.]
House: I DON’T!
[His voice nearly echoes in the hospital room, filling up the empty space. There’s almost a 4-5 second pause before any of them say another word.]
Wilson: I love you.
House: What?
Wilson: That’s what I’ll tell her. I love you.
House: Not bad.
Wilson: I swear House, if you didn’t bring me into this damn place, I wouldn’t need to be hooked up to all this chemo! I swear to–
[Wilson starts to cough vigorously, nearly suffocating on his own words.]
House: Hey, hey! Take it easy.
Wilson: So… cough cough are you just gonna keep ignoring me until I’m dead?
[House pauses for a moment, thinking of what to say next.]
House: I brought you here, because… I lied. I care about you Wilson, I–
Wilson: DON’T– do that, House. You think if you can control everything around you, that your whole world can magically heal itself! Yet, the more you do any of it, you kill off everyone else around you… Even yourself, apparently.
[Another pause begins before Wilson continues onwards.]
Wilson: Not everything is about you, House. So, for once in your damn life, stop trying to be a healer, and try to be a–
House: I love you.
Wilson: What?
House: And your life did matter.
Wilson: Huh… [Wilson pauses for a moment, thinking to himself as he stares at the ceiling. He then looks back at House.]
Wilson: I believe you.
House: [squinting his eyes, looking back at Wilson] No, you don’t.
[Both of them chuckle simultaneously, in a way only two truly close friends would be able to.]
House: I mean, really… How many doctors have you met that have taken part in a porno before their careers?
Wilson: Alright, now you’re really pushing it!
[Another pause continues to take place, followed by a silent chuckle from both of them, again.]
Wilson: Everybody lies, right?
House: Yeah.
Wilson: Guess it’s just a matter of what for.
[Another awkward pause takes place, this time, without any chuckling.]
Wilson: Hey, H-House?...
House: Yeah?
[Suddenly, Wilson starts wheezing intensively, almost like he’s getting his entire soul sucked out of his body. The heart monitor begins beeping intensely, as Wilson continues to gasp for a breath of air.]
House: NURSE! NURSE!
[3 Nurses arrive at the scene, attempting to fix the unknown problem.]
House: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HIM?! THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN EASY DECLINE, INSTEAD HE SOUNDS LIKE HE’S BEING POISONED BY GAS!
Nurse 1: Sir, we are trying our best to figure this ou–
House: WELL, YOUR BEST ISN’T ENOUGH! MY BEST FRIEND IS HERE WHEEZING HIMSELF TO DEATH AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS NOTHING!
[Wilson continues to wheeze intensively, with each wheeze getting weaker and weaker.]
House: DO SOMETHING, OR I WILL!
Nurse 2: Sir, we need you to get out of this room right away!
[Nurse 2 and Nurse 3 push House outside of the hospital room, whilst also blocking him access to open the door with the chair he was sitting on previously.]
House: banging on the glass door HEY! LET ME BACK IN! I’M A DOCTOR! JUST LET ME–
[Suddenly, Wilson’s wheezing completely stops, as the heart monitor flatlines. Almost like the world had completely stopped, House looks at Wilson’s face, probably for the last time. He pauses on his face for another 5-10 seconds, until his eyes begin to turn red from the tears forming in his eyes.]
[Shot changes to a hallway, with the Doctor from before speed walking with two other hospital police officers following right behind her.]
Unknown Doctor: There he is! He’s right—
[However, House was already gone, which surprised both the Doctor and the hospital police officers.]
[Shot changes to House in his car right outside the unknown hospital he was just in, looking down at his pager. With a dull face and tears still in his eyes, he clicks on Wilson’s messages. The shot then changes back to House’s pager, with the last message being sent by House, talking about whether or not Wilson wanted to come to a Monster Truck event that was happening later in the same week. There was no response back from Wilson. Then, for the first time, House sheds an actual tear, which is only shown as it drops on his last message to Wilson on his pager. Cut to black.]
[Massive Attack’s Teardrop]

Some background, like the title says 27M and have been in relationship with my girlfriend with suspected BPD for a little over 2 years. We moved in together fast about 4 months in, I know don’t come at me, but she seemed solid. Had a job and owns the house we live in. She’s slightly older than me, 28. She had a really rough childhood, trauma, moving all the time, a lot of poverty and abuse (she doesn’t say much what happened to her but talks about her siblings and it’s implied that things were so bad they are unspeakable and she’s very damaged from it). Her biological father is in prison but she didn’t have any contact with him growing up yet she is still very affected by this fact. She has received large sums of money from him prior to his prison sentence. She is, I feel, intentionally vague about the details of all of that (except for when she’s angry and venting where the details change to serve her victim narrative).
I’m exhausted by how different my relationship is from the healthy relationships of my friends. My friends who can go to a concert with their friends and without their girlfriends obsessively checking up on them, or guilting them for going in the first place. My friends who can have lunch with their girlfriends without an abrupt cessation of eating because she’s suddenly triggered and is going to go throw up her food (or covertly threaten to). My friends whose girlfriends can show up to a hangout without having 5 layers of video-game-girl makeup and a wig styled to “perfection”. I’m tired of playing dad, therapist, boyfriend, and bestie to an adult woman with such a weak core sense of who she is that she bends and warps her body and her mind into what she *thinks* I want when what I *actually want* is to be with someone who can simply exist in her own skin and see the world as it really is. See past her own insecurity to actually see me and not whatever projection her trauma is informing her worldview with at the moment.
She can’t be alone. She is insufferable if I do something for myself, without her. She believes she needs to supervise me and make her presence known so that other girls (threats) don’t come onto me. She “knows” that I think other women are cute or beautiful and that I’m “only with her because I know her”. As if this pathologically insecure personality of hers is her winning asset. She’s plenty pretty, and the sex is amazing as you all already know, but even that appeal is lessening due to her intense neediness. She takes my not being in the mood as rejection. She wants sex because she feels bad about herself and needs to feel wanted, regardless of what I want or need. It’s all a reflection of HER. HER needs. HER insecurities. I’m suffocating like there’s no room for me to exist in this relationship. She sucks up all the air in any given room.
She’s obsessed with “thinspo,” body modification, and plastic surgery. I have tattoos myself and do find them attractive on a woman, but I believe she is using tattoos and piercings as self-harm. I hate to say it but I’m starting to question the legitimacy of her eating disorder as she is the attention-seeking type. The attention seeking didn’t used to bother me and I used to be ok with caring for hesoothing her, but she’s just getting worse over time and needing more.
Her spending is out of control and she can’t keep a job. She got herself fired from her job this year because she couldn’t keep her head down enough to keep a paycheck. At a job she was lucky to have (not technically qualified for) and exaggerated to the point of lying on her resume to get into. She now has her own business, which despite my own job is “our” gig in an attempt to future-fake and keep me stuck with her. I can’t say much about the business without giving away too much indentifying information. But there is a lot of frustration here. I am expected to do so much for this business and while I support her, I don’t want this for myself and I do have my own work. She spends so much money she doesn’t have on “the business”. She asks me for money for “business things” which also happen to be expensive hobby gear or the newest iphone, making a case for needing it for social media promotion or whatever else excuse. She can’t tolerate due to her childhood poverty being “without” anything she wants. She has thousands in debt which she finds a way to blame on her parents too (she is estranged from them).
I believed the lies and exaggerations that she was better off than this and more capable than this. But she’s coming apart and I’m not enough to hold her – or us – together. If I stay, I’ll continue to be miserable. If I leave, I’ll be just another asshole who abandons her. And that’s how every story ever ends, she says. Everyone always abandons her. She doesn’t get that she’s the reason. She really believes in her victimhood. She lost a significant friendship last year and I was fully on her side, convinced she was wronged. Now that I’m feeling the weight of knowing her long-term, I honestly kind of get it.
There’s so much more I wanted to write but I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m thinking about my future, and I don’t think I want one with her. This has been fun (well it was...) and I care about her, I really do, but I don’t think I can keep doing this.

Call me the Memetranslator, because I speak fluent Meme and can explain every Meme. In reality all of this is nonesense though, so do not take anything here seriously. Als I am not affiliated with anyone, including DFV. You tell me if its correct or not. If DFV sees this and wants me to not post these translations any further, write me a message. If DFV wants me to continue... same.
First Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1789807772542067105
This is a gamer going from his layed back pose to a more concentrated one. It tells us that it is go time now! It has begun!
Second Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790034263603139012
The first Part shows Thanos with the gamestop symbol. It means Gamestop is Thanos and Gamestop did something itself! The second part shows Roaring Kitty as Wolverine awakening. And in case you did not see Keith Gills face superimposed over Wolverine, it is made more clear with the Kitty outline on the Heartratemonitor. So basically this meme tells us, that Gamestop did something, which is why Roaring Kitty/DFV/Keith Gill is back.
What did Roaring Kitty see? Well... just you wait, the memes tell us.
Third Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790041813379850491
We were told it is over. It is not over until we say its over! Roaring Kitty has awakened! Wake up and be ready!

Fourth Meme:
https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790049362846117942
This is a big one! It shows a gamestop-coded Car driving back into the green. It means the Buyback from gamestop will leed to the green! This continues the meme from the 4th of June 2021: On June 4th of 2021, Roaring Kitty posted this: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1400124740291923968
It shows the first Part of the Scene from Ready Player one, before he drives back to win basically. But it does not show the second Part. Because Gamestop did not buy BACK Shares!
What does it mean? It means Roaring Kitty wanted to see Gamestop do a buyback of shares. That did not happen though. After that moment he slowed down with memeposting and posted memes of frustration, among them a declaration, that he does not love Ryan Cohen. I will show that meme later, its the "love actually" one, because that one came back also! He expected the Buyback to finish the shorts, but Ryan did not do that, so he fell out of love with him and went silent shortly after, as the buyback was crucial to fucking the shorts somehow.
Fifth Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790056912664601031
Get ready to fight, every notch/Options Step brings in more money, because of the Gamma Squeeze! And do not sell all winning options... take as many shares out of the options as possible, to help the Gamma Squeeze. (this is what the Blood on the Blade Part in the beginning is all about) But the opposition is numerous and getting ready to fight. When he moves, everybody needs to move! Coded in Red and Green, so basically he might be telling us to watch out for signals from the memes, as he they will tell us what the stock will do... though I think most people misinterpret the memes anyway and also I am not sure about the signal part. It may just be that we need to find the signals for ourselves. But we definetly need to move!

sixth Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790064464357724451
He Moves!
Seventh Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790072011810812231
A Reiteration of the "When I say 'run', RUN!"
Eigth Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790079562866360327
Everybody needs to work together, this is the LAST TIME! THIS IS IT! THE TIME IS NOW! And apparently some friends also showed up... some whales, that I do not know maybe.
Ninth Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790087112282239085
Its the Showdown from "the good the bad the ugly", with the musiv from that showdown played from a live Metallica Concert (They play that before they start their music as an intro) So its Showdown-Time! Unfortunatelly I do not know the Symbol that is superimposed over Thor, but it probably identifies some entity that is in this fight.
Tenth Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790094668237259040
A Red coded Meme... could mean stock will go down short term .... maybe reading too much into this though. Also tells us that Hell is coming with this. Omnious!
Eleventh Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790102212619669909
Another Big one. Gamestop pushed the Red Button, that they did not push in 2021. That Button being the Share Buyback? Its Another Continuation from a Meme from June 4th 2021: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1400863669895024643
That same day, right in the meme before that one, he declares he does not love R.C.. This Meme is the explanation why: Gamestop (R.C.) Did NOT Push the Red button back then.
The good news is, now apparently Gamestop did push the red button/do the buyback/maybe something else(Gamestop as a holding company related).
Twelvth Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790109766389477525
"No Fighting" means, do not fight the downtrend. Let the memes guide you! You will need your money in the coming weeks!
Thirteenth Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790170162265460831
Roaring Kitty is in this and has been waiting and planning all this time that the stock was beat down. But every action is followed by a reaction. Could mean that when stock is beaten down, it WILL go up again. And it will be quite a fuckin thing. Another Red Coded Meme though. Come Hang, chill, wait. And in the End it will be green after the red. Maybe. To be honest, all Memes that could mean that we should do a certain action are not all that super clear and I might be misinterpreting them. Which is funny, considering the "Did I make myself clear" in the end..... because to me that part is not clear at all!
Fourteenth Meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790396654971224430
Dont test me! Go back to sleep! Could mean that Roaring Kitty wanted to go back to sleep by media and the shorts. and he is like "dont test me", cause he is a one hit killer. Probably means he could just openly say what he knows and then shorts would be finished. Because coded meme messages WILL be interpreted wrongly.
Fifteenth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790404203715887238
Kitty/DFV feels Bears, Shorts and Media did fuck around with him and now they will find out. Now he is stopping "being the better person" and trying to follow their "rules". What follows is kitty ranting about the neysayers/Shorts, saying bears are fucking idiots basically!
Sixteenth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790411757120561628
Kitty comes to us. He Needs our help and we need to not ask any questions, not now not later. Seventeenth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790419301976903884
mainly green coded Video.
Eighteenth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790426851409817615 Basically because of the SEC(Security), a lot of planning is/was needed for this, as well as maaaaany people. because this is different because it has never been done before. The Goal is JUST UP.
Nineteenth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790434400494116873
This whole thing needed a whole lot of Paperwork and dancing around. Interestingly it mentions "Loophole", which could just mean that a way for the squeeze was found, building upon the eighteenth memes themes. Could also point towards Loopring, who worked together with Gamestop on the NFT-Marketplace. Could be a stretch though.
Twentieth meme: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790441953659687421
There is a signal that was sent, that was also seen by the bad guys. So I assume, whatever signal DFV saw, he is saying the Shorts also saw that signal.... and they are afraid. And a red coded Message: "FEAR IS A TOOL!" So, he might tell us to not fear the red days. Fear is just a tool. Could also mean that Shorts being afraid is good, because that fear is a tool. Cause when the shorts see the signal, some might flip and buy in. Which would good because THATS WHAT THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!
Twentyfirst: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790449499506192405
Coded green: A guy in front of a PC stays with a friend. Could mean Kitty is the friend and redditors collectively in front of their PCs stay and dont leave DFV alone! He may again ask us to be with him in this.
Twentysecond: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790457051115847720
Lots to unpack. A Requel means its happening again.... means the squeeze of 2021 is happening again. This is not just a company turnaround, it indeed is A SQUEEZE! And the Movie about that Sneeze fucking sucked basically.
Twentythird: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790464599575167004
Kitty comes for the Bears. He is back. This time, every bear will be a victim!
Twentyfourth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790472153470759217
DFV is supposed to be the Guy with the haircut. Basically he has the Shorts by the balls now. Now that DFV has seen the Buyback by Gamestop, he has his gun on the Short Sellers. Short Sellers are squirming and trying to shake off paperhands with a bit of money, but he is just grinning because of that ridiculous offer. Of course Shorts/Bears call him names and stuff. Then a Call/Margin Call comes in. This Meme will have a follow up meme! The Follow up Meme will be what happens after the Call, which is the Haircut guy shooting the Short guy and it will be posted once some Short-Hedge-Fund or Bank goes down because of this bet.
Another somewhat related meme was posted on June 9th 2021. https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1402641643694477317
That time DFV is the haircut guy and he is flipping the coin, which is GAMESTOP-coded. So he was waiting for a signal from Gamestop to be able to shoot his shot. He himself could NOT do what he was waiting for from GAMESTOP. I guess he was still waiting for the Buyback back then, but it was evident that it wasnt coming (and too late anyway). I bet DFV was pissed that GME did no buyback, but NOW they did, which is why he has posted the current meme.
Twentyfifth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790532552828289526
The Prisoner says "GAMESTOP"! In case its not clear, that means DFV is talking about GME. And he is ALL IN!
Twentysixth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790713748866371690
Gamestop looking Sexy and throwing us kisses! They send us the signal! (the buyback?)
Twentyseventh: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790717515523658119
Gamestop is doing something extraordinary. They do it in the open and we could see it. Maybe something with electricity. But we are not really looking.
And whatever it is, it will BEAT DOWN the Bears.
Could mean that Gamestop is buying back its stock to put it onto a NFT-Stock Market, which is why Gamestop registered as a holding company. But this is just baseless speculation.
Twentyeigth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790721293089964126
Everybody Hold, gamestop is preping something. It means we should hold, because Gamestop is preping something against whoever tried to kill Short and distort Gamestop and did short and distord Blockbuster and others.
Twentyninth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790725065585439065
Gamestops milk was poisened. Means the short and distord left moles in the company that tried to destroy it from within.
Thirty: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790728848226521547
Against all the odds, Kitty or R.C. went into this short and distort sheme, to try to win against short sellers.
Thirtyfirst: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790732615022195139
Kitty does not take the comments of the Media laying down, he fights back. Kitty mentions Wutang. Maybe it has something to do with the rumor that Wutangs one of a kind Album was somehow unter the control of R.C.. Dont know if its a cheecky call back or if this story is actually real.
Thirtysecond: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790736391124774975
Moon Night-Fortnite-Day n night are the Key motifs. So here is the thing with Fortnite: A Fortnight is 2 Weeks. In 2 Weeks, at the beginning of June, the 3 Year LEAPS expire. Moon Night is invulnerable basically.
Now this could hint towards Shorts being invulnarable because of their LEAPS, until those LEAPS expire in 2 Weeks. Then their silly game is over. Thats why everything happening right now is just the OVERTURE (See Second Meme)
Thirtythird: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790740164848861227
Media are disrespecting Kitty and he is fine with it.
Thirtyfourth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790743946764644659
I think he is saying He is a redditor and Redditors are like him. Reddit brought him Gamestop and he brought Gamestop to redditors. Something like that. And the first thing one should do to follow his Thesis is try to "Defend the Bear Case". Trying to defend the other side of a trade will show how fucked the other side actually is. Maybe that is why he and redditors know that Gamestop will explode into the green. Cause the Bear Case.... its not that good.

Thirty fifth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790747714440892825
DFV is telling us he is not following some get rich quick sheme. He is not a gambler degenerate. He has a plan, he makes the memes, he does not follow them! He knows and people should hear his side. Also its a play on parts of the Next Meme, he is telling us he made the memes.
Thirty sixth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790751492451754012
He is telling us that Ryan Cohen did a lot of the planing and the getting the people together, but people listen to "Avocado-in-my-anus", which is an alternate account of DFV. Is it really though? Well he told us in the last meme, that he is the one that made the memes. And Avocado-in-my-anus made 3 Memes on Cat Day.
Thirty-seventh: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790755264733626879
Again a continuation from the last meme. People saying DFV is running the whole GME Thing... meanwhile what is supposed to be DFV is just drawing dicks/making Memes. He tries to tell us, that it is R.C. doing the whole company stuff and that he has nothing to do with it basically.
Thirtieigth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790759048985612468
A continuation from the last few memes. R.C. vs DFV, who is in charge? They both say they will not. Quill is R.C., Thor is DFV. DFV kind of wants to be in charge, but begrudgingly lets R.C. do his thing. I think this plays on DFVs Anger in 2021, that R.C. did not push the red button/do the buyback back then.
Thirtyninth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790762813868175516
This is basically a repeat and rewind of a Meme posted on June 4th 2021: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1400844797229912065
In 2021, DFV was mad, that R.C. did not push the button/do the buyback and told us clearly that he did not like R.C. anymore with this meme. Now in 2024, he rewinds that meme and tells us, that he thought that at the time in 2021, but that the investment thesis evolved over time and he now sees R.C. as a supermode.
So basically he saw what R.C. was doing in 2024, which he did not in 2021 and he likes R.C. again now. Probably because R.C. pushed the button and also did some plan with loopholes and stuff that DFV may not have thought about.
Number Forty: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790766591526735887 So, R.C. had a plan and 3 years later it comes to fruition. He does mirror some of R.C.s emotes. Also he tells us "People say it cant squeeze again"..... he says it will.

Fortyone: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790770363627921776 Too many awards on his last post. Maybe too many eyes on him and his plan?
Forty two
https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790774146994966570 DFV transformed fully into his internet persona, because of the last meme.

Forty three: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790777913245421806 Too much drama around Kitty in 2021. This might be the explanation why he went dark-mode.
forty four: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790781688848450012 People want to know what the fuck Kitty was doing all these 3 years. He tells us he was waiting for this. Because it is part of the Plan. What is this? I think it is GME Buying back stock before the expiration of the LEAPS in the beginning of June. So yea, thats what he saw and why he came back.

Forty five: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790785463118348420 It does not matter that he, DFV, is back. The whole Squeeze Plan matters. And it is getting executed right now. Why does he say we? Because everyone holding GME is part of it. It think the many DRSed hodlers of GME are indeed part of the plan and necessary!
Forty Six: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790789242513433071 The Goofy "I will do it again" Meme. DFV will do it again.... and by "it" I think he means he will again buy a shit ton of options and stock. And I think he will post it. OR Its the shorts that are doing it again. And its shorting, but I dont know if its referring to back in 2021 and their shorting until now, under the cover of LEAPS or if it is now before June, or whatever. We will see.
Forty Seven: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790793012936851665
He tells the GME investors that say they lost money because of DFV: SHUT UP BITCH! Continued in next meme.
Fortyeight: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790796790360363016
He tells us, that last memes "Shut up, Bitch" was too good of a line to not use and that it was not meant for all redditors, but for one guy that apparently was crying about losing money because of DFV. Dont know who, I am not into reddit drama. Basically DFV just liked the line as a meme, because its funny. And he will continue to post coded memes, even if people dont understand them.
Forty-nine: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790800562654691686 DFV thinks everybody thinks he is crazy with his memes and Media slandered him.
Fifty: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790804340673789978 Continues the last meme and that people think he is a freak with his memes. But he tells us the memes bring out the people that are like him... freaks. He is talking to us oldscool redditors and webpeople that the mediapeople cant seem to get their head wrapped around. If you ever rolled your eyes at the media misusing uncomplicated memes.... yea, he is talking about you. You come to twitter to hear his trumpet/Memes!
Fifty one: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790808112741630320
DFV is the Redhanded-guy and that bears can do nothing against him. It is red-coded. But definetly Bears can do nothing against DFV and he is keeping them up. Which I think is definetly true.
Fifty two: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790812277530034448 Jim Cramer asked for this meme and DFV made it in a few minutes, just to fuck with him. Though it does show Kitty behind a chair, coded in Computershare colors and with a teddy, which is the name of R.C. Company of Kids Books. And Kitty behind the whole thing, hiding. Jo, does Teddy play into all of this??? If so this meme is one hundred layers deep. Personally I think Teddy might be important to do some stuff that Gamestop itself can not do, like for example "buy Calls on GME", but this meme is mainly there to fuck with Jim Cramer.
Fifty Three: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790815662203617755 The stock goes down, just to fuck with us.... UNTIL!!!!!!! Well, what happens after "until" will probably follow in a later meme, when shorts lose control of their button. Probably in the beginning of June, or when R.C. announces the buyback and a higher than expected number of shares locked down. No more Mr. Nice Guy for the shorts then. so keep your eyes out. Oh, and the stock will stop going down then.
Fifty four: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790819440617033914 Shorts try to crucify Kitty and Gamestop.... it speaks about the stock going down as a tool from the shorts to make us afraid. And we only ask: Is that the best you can do?
Fifty Five: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790823211745063394 Shorts taunt us, beat us down and try to make us doubt..... but the soundtrack :-D Basically this is a game for us and we will whop their asses, no matter what shorts do.... like the beatdown on the stock right now.

Fifty six: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790826988019528035
Now, this is interesting: Shorts made this whole thing happen. They sold before they bought. They dropped it. So it WILL go back up. It... WILL.... GO....... UP!!!!!! You feel it yet?
Fifty Seven: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790830761542664192
Continuation: Do you have a girlfriend that tells you to sell and stop listening to the mad people on Reddit? Do you have people around you, telling you the squeeze-narrative is bullshit? Trust your instinct. This continues the last meme, while you can not see the stock going up right now, it was dropped. So it will go back up. Thats the law of nature, even if it was perverted.... or turned around.
Fifty Eigth: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790834536403574936
A Person is fleeing with a hidden GME Share in his pocket. It means we were running and holding GME for a long time and are tired, but we STAND UP, with GME IN OUR HANDS! I am not really "tired", but thats what the meme says.
Fifty Nine: https://x.com/TheRoaringKitty/status/1790894938277695671
In this meme, DFV explains to us, how he found Gamestop. Due Diligence, time, pressure and making memes, basically. In 2021 they tried to lock away DFV, but all the departments of the state found no wrongdoing... just his reddit posts, tweets and live streams.
It only takes pressure and time and DFV studied meticulously. Now I did not know every mentioned meme, so he may not have posted them. He may have posted them though and it might lead to another account of him. I doubt it would be more fruitful in information than his twitter account. After all, thats where the freaks at! And one last thing. He laments that apparently noone looked at his streams...I guess thats where all the information was after all. I think it shows content from his Gamestop-Explanation video, but I am unsure, because it is quarter before 4 AM and I am tired and I will go to bed after posting this.
Thanks for reading. Everything is made up of course, I have no idea what DFV is thinking, but it seems clear, that when you look at the whole situation, as we all did, we would come to the same conclusion, as we all did. Shorts did not close and GME seems to be a good investment. Also, look closer!.... thats the main theme. And stop doubting yourself.... yea, thats pretty much it.
So TLDR: The first days of June is where some of the magic will happen in the LEAPS. Meanwhile, R.C. has a plan with Gamestop and the buyback plays a role in it. And that plan does enable the ability for a killshot against the shorts. And it will explode in the green like never before. Also: Learn Memeish
To DFV: Write me what you think about it, if you want.

This might be a long read and yes that hobby is video games.
I(33M) and my wife(32F) have been married for 14 years and together since I was 13 and she 12. We have four kids, three girls and one boy from 4 to 12. I've been playing video games since the 2nd grade (yes super Nintendo). It's always been my favorite pass time and hobby and my best memories from when I was a kid is from me and two brother playing halo and playing call of duty is the only way me and my little brother still connect after my older brother was killed in 2011. I have 5k PC gaming (I'm also a nerd) and an entire room of my house dedicated to gaming. When I came home from Afghanistan in 2013 I was alone and although I didn't know it have the time I played video games online with little brother to cope, we talked and worked on our KD. During that time I was alone, my wife and oldest daughter was still in a different state living with her mom (daughter was born 1 1/2 month before I deployed). She lived with her mom for the help while I was gone but I still spent first four month on my own.
Before I start getting the gaming hate. My kids (all of them) loved playing video games with me (I built the oldest two thier own rigs and the other play on the Xbox and phones). I also make just shy of 100k a year, been in the military for 15yrs, workout regularly, love my wife dearly and have a graduate level education, we own a very nice 300k home in a nice neighborhood and two both less than 3yrs old. That all to say I'm no bum, and I take extreme pride in taking care of my large family because I have alot of memories of my dad being a bum before my dad left him. I at least think I'm a decent dad and husband. I even only drink 4 times a year and only at home never more than 6 beers because my wife dad was an alcoholic.
Now for the reason for the title. Last year in February I was upstairs playing roblox with my 12 and 8 yr Olds during the weekend. I would only play during the weekends. My game room that I spent 7 yrs curating is upstairs right next to the loft where my kids gaming stations are also located. While we are gaming my wife is down stairs watching T.V and while these things are taking place my 4 and 7 yr old were playing in the loft (it's thier play room with an untold number of toys, a couch and a 55in T.V).
All of the sudden my 7 yr old daughter heads for gate that blocks the stairs (I intentionally picked the room next to the stairs) and I ask her "where are you going" because I told them to stay upstairs to let their mom relax. She said that she needed to talk her mommy and she seemed upset and so I'm thing "girl stuff mind your business" and I let her go. Then my wife calls down my 4 yr old. Then my wife yells for my other two. When that happens because the kids were playing with me I went down with them intending to help them do what ever they were supposed to do so we can get back to having fun gaming. What happened wasn't that.
When I went down stairs my wife had our kids line up in front her and she starts laying in them. Very loudly and aggressively, because my then 3yr old had scissors and used them to cut some of her hair. Mind you they where children safety scissors by they seemed to have done the job. My wife was furious and made sure it was know.
She told them that they know that they have to watch the 3-year-old when I'm gaming because they know that I won't and that it's there responsibility to watch her when I'm gaming because I never do. This was the bases of her entire furious rant to them. It went on for 15 - 20 min before I left.
I was beyond hurt. I never cry in front if my kids, I do my best to control my emotions in front of them. I couldn't in that moment. Hearing her tell my kids right in from me that they have to take care of each other because I won't cut me deeper than I've ever felt. So I just grabbed my keys and left. I called my little brother in between wanting to kill someone and crying my eyes out and told him what happened. I couldn't control how angry I was and so I sat in a walmart parking lot for close to an hour while I calmed down. My wife called me constantly. After I calmed down I went home where she acted like I was in the wrong for leaving and wanted me to apologize for leaving instead of talking. I didn't.
I haven't play a single video game since then. This past new years I was drinking (my kids where at my father-in-laws and I was at home with my wife) and my wife used rare opportunity to ask me why I won't play games with the kids anymore and me in that state if mind told the entire truth and allowed my real feeling to show. I told it was because of what she said and overall that she said it to my kids and in my face and how she had no right too. I explained how we always send the kids upstairs to play without us and how it's the whole reason the kids play area exists. I further told her how I even explicitly chose the room I could just to be able to be able to somewhat watch them while I'm gaming and how now I get sick to my stomach when ever I even think about gaming. About how it was how I connected to my brother's and my kids and how it was my only hobby. If I wasn't at Work, the gym, or gaming I was with her and the kids and that half the time even when I'm gaming I'm still with the kids.
To this day I still can't bring myself to game. My son and oldest daughter still ask me regularly to play games with them and my brother is always asking me too jump on call of duty with him. I just can't get over it and I blame my wife and resent her for taking this thing away from me.

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