Bandcamp: ¡Blow it…at Madison's Quinceañera! Me First and the Gimme Gimmes (bandcamp.com) (includes full album listings and never forget Friday purchases all go straight to the artist.)
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/1Fvw5gtZlh6YSW2Uv6wL0E?si=MrpsJGNcRLy0WEW0n8HF2g
YouTube: https://youtu.be/00Pz7c5gdWs
Official site: https://fatwreck.com/products/blow-it-at-madisons-quinceanera

First of all, my apologies, I posted this before, everyone told me to leave and I didn't listen.
Here's the full story, with all the possible details
TL;DR: Have I really been a neglecting boyfriend after not organizing a birthday party?
At this moment I feel devastated and heartbroken and I’d like to write my story down. It's rather long and very detailed. I noticed that I tend to switch between past and present tense. I'm supposed to be fluent in English but it’s not my native language and I apologize for any inconsistencies. I also seem to be going back and forth with the timeline, my apologies for this. So about a year ago I met someone from South America, she spoke only Spanish, none of my native languages, which are Dutch and French so I tried my best to speak Spanish (I'm okay, just not fluent) and we went on a date. She talked about her native country, which is Peru, her daughter (8yo at the time), I talked about stuff in my life (I’m a biker, sports shooter and I go to the gym a few times a week), and my daughter (11yo at the time). By the way, all of this happens in my country, which is Belgium. The date went really well, however she started drinking rather heavily and we ended up in my place having sex, the day after everything went really friendly although she was rather embarrassed she went that far on a first date. I assured her that's not really my style either but we were both in a party mood and drunk and one thing led to another. In the upcoming weeks we continued seeing each other (just regular dates, nothing sexual) and we got along really fine, what I did notice was that she never offered to pay for anything. For the moment she's not a legal resident so she can't work legally and she only works as a babysitter at someone's house so I let that slide. I do make a lot more than she does and I drive a company car so money is less tight to me, however this doesn't mean my resources are limitless. I take care of my daughter financially, I try to save for her and myself, for my sports, traveling so although I make a lot, life is very expensive. Let’s say I usually find a balance between enjoying life with my money and being responsible. She making a lot less money doesn’t mean she has nothing either, although I remain chivalrous, in Belgium it’s very common for a woman to pay as well, it’s more about the act and not really about the money. (Of course it’s different when you live together.) Also men and women are equal here, yet at the same time I try to take into account and show respect for the fact that this might be completely different in her culture. She did show she doesn't easily trust men, calling all men liars, continuously saying she believes in actions and is very reluctant towards words, always expressing the fact she’s completely independent. I did find this contradictory with her attitude to let men pay for her, but okay, different culture and a language barrier. (She speaks incredibly fast and sometimes understanding her was a task). At one point she asked (in a message) if I wanted to get to know her sisters, since family is important to her I enthusiastically said yes (I thought she was introducing me to her family), she interpreted this as an attempt to date her sisters and immediately blocked me. At this moment I panicked, I called a friend of hers and tried to explain the misunderstanding. Luckily she unblocked me and we continued talking and dating. However to avoid this in the future, I did say to her that if I ever were to say anything offensive, to ask or notify me, I speak Spanish rather fairly but it’s not my native language, so with this language barrier mistakes are always possible. She once even reacted in anger because she thought I wrote too many messages that indicated I wanted her for sex only, I apologized, assured her that is not the case and I also showed this in my actions. One very positive point, I picked up my Spanish lessons from school again and I started studying again so my Spanish would improve and indeed, these types of misunderstandings did more or less go away. However, now that I’m looking back, her attempts to learn French were no more than some basic phrases and my warning for the mistakes wasn’t taken into account for. After some more weeks passed by, we did seem to like each other a lot and she seemed to let her guard down, she started talking about doing activities with our kids, some time later she really wanted a relationship with me. Her daughter was really nice, she almost immediately became friends with my daughter, my gf was so pleased, we really connected. Then I made a horrible mistake, I didn't delete a dating app on my phone and she found conversations from the first week of our official relationship. (We were a month along) In my defense, I also have friends (non sexual) I met on these apps and the conversations were nothing more than a hello. Still I understand her feeling reluctant, I didn't show respect there, however she said nothing, and that night when I was sleeping she wrote a long message on how I was a horrible cheater and blocked me again. The last I could see was a status update where she filmed herself adding text she doesn’t need a man. Same story, talked to her friend, unblocked and we continued. I delete the dating app, I apologize for the lack of respect and I show her I'm actually loyal. About two months passed and we're in a nice relationship, however her wallet stayed closed. She even went as far as asking me for money to tip the waiter. Note: Tipping isn’t that customary in my country, the waiter was really confused. One night when we were going out I had enough. I just told her I was out of cash. Suddenly she pulls out a 50 euro bill (to the readers from the USA, a Euro is slightly higher than a dollar), gives me the bill and tells me she can lend me money so I can continue buying drinks and pay back the money later. I was dumbfounded. I asked her why she just couldn't offer a drink but she didn't seem to go with that story. In the pub she continuously kept saying I was tired and I should go home, I wasn’t tired at all but after a while I was fed up and I said: “Okay, I’ll go home.” Then she surprised me again, she asked me to pay a few beers forward (with the money she lent me) so she can continue drinking while I go home. I thought: “You know what? Take it, I’ve had it for today.” I pay for the beers and I walk out. Then she follows me and stops me, asking me to stay. At this point she really started to irritate me, ask me to go or stay but make a decision. We went back to the pub, I took one of the prepaid beers, which she didn’t like because those were hers supposedly. Suddenly the police entered the pub, they received a complaint about the noise, nothing special, just a standard visit. However, the bartender (a good female friend of my gf), also foreign didn’t have any identification, apparently she was here illegally. Police, forced to do their job, arrests her, my gf starts lashing out at the police, I tried to stop her because she’s here illegally as well. Had a friendly chat with the police, they were even impressed that I could speak foreign languages, really nice guys. At some point I had to pee, unfortunately the police weren't allowed to let us back inside the pub so I went somewhere between houses. (Not my style either but the pressure was high) When I came back my gf was gone, she thought I bailed, asked no questions and was walking home. I explained here why I was gone and later on she asked me to drive to the police station to find her friend, I tried to talk her out of that idea, trying to explain she’s being held for questioning and she’ll probably just be released in a few hours. She wouldn’t listen and wanted to go to the police station, at that point another friend of hers joined us and I drove them to a closed police station. The night ends, I drop them off and I go home. Luckily not all of our dates went like that, mostly we went to pubs, then ended up at my place where she changed into one of my shirts, looked at latin music on YouTube and then ended up spending the night. We did go to a Peruvian restaurant once, I let her order for me, no tourist food, the real experience. She orders her food, eats a part, decides it wasn’t tasty and just orders something else. You guessed it, I paid the bill. One day she talks about her daughter's upcoming anniversary (in a message), I propose to buy her a gift, however I'd like to wait a few weeks till my funds are replenished. She bursts out in anger, again, still unable to write my name correctly (that’s a real frustration, from the very beginning she wrote my name wrong), telling me how I'm always talking about money (I don't, I calculate a lot but I rarely talk about this) and she blocks me again. I was fed up, I just came from another relationship with a narcissist (true story) and I realized I was still in a people please mode, I couldn’t handle another one of these situations. I didn't call her friend anymore, I picked up the pieces of my heart and I went on. I told my daughter she wouldn't be seeing her daughter anymore (they got along really well so she was sad), picked my life back up and started focusing on healing rather than being with someone. The narcissist I mentioned is not the person in this story, I’m referring to a previous relationship. A few days later she sent me a poorly translated text with her bank account, asking me to deposit the 50 euro she lent me, minus 3 euro for an iPhone cover I bought her online. I ignored the message and went on with my life. I don’t steal from people but this was compensation for me. A few months later she texted me again, telling me how she misses our daughters being together and she really wants to see me. I agree on the condition that it's her time to pay for a drink. Yes you are allowed to call me an idiot here. So we went on a friendly date, she did pay, more or less, scratching the change in her pocket and barely getting to pay the bill for a few beers. However she did make a move on me again, I just went with it without expecting anything. That weekend we went out, the wallet was closed again and the romance was shifted back to friends and nothing more, she even asked me to take her friends out in the future. Yet instead of telling her to sod off, I felt hurt, meaning I wasn't healed as much as I wanted, I did improve but I still had a long way to go. The day after I sent her a message that going out as friends was too much for me and I couldn't see her on these terms anymore. (You could say I should have been more direct or blunt but I felt bad enough as it was and I also wanted to break her stereotypical view that all men take advantage of women). She replies in a very long message on how she's independent, I reply with an apology in case I ever hurt her. I hide my own pain, and once again I move on. Thanks to therapy, self reflection and really good friends I find myself again, I even have a few sexual encounters (always lifts the spirit), I take care of my daughter and I take (and improve) life one day at a time. A few months later, you guessed it, she texts me again. She misses me and she wants to get back in touch. I admit she has a special place in my heart, but no matter how special that is, she's not coming in anymore with that "all men are liars" and "I don't pay anything" attitude. For once I'm putting my brain ahead of my heart. We go out for a drink, she picks up the pill, we end up at my place, she spends the night. The day after I drop her off and I decide to take things differently, I send sweet yet straightforward messages, ignoring her evasive words and she becomes really impressed. I sent her an email, talking about the heavy divorce I had with my daughter’s mom, how she tried to demand way too much money from me and how I had to rebuild enormously financially, explaining why I’m reluctant to let people in my life who demand I pay everything. I don’t mind her not being able to pay a lot, but be fair. I do tell her my daughter needs braces and since her mom doesn’t feel like contributing I’m taking the full bill, which will be between 3000 and 4000 euro, meaning I don’t mind paying but sometimes I’ll be unable. That was only a small part of the mail, I really hate these ridiculous financial conversations and I do not want to give the impression here that our relation completely revolved around who pays the bill in the pub. I talk mostly about what happened with my daughter’s mom and the narcissist and what I expect from a relationship. She reacted very lovely to my mail and she seemed to really want to be with me. I was very clear, she could come back, however she knew my boundaries. I did receive a sad message from her, saying she wants to be with me but she can’t contribute in a financial way the way I demand from her. I simply reply that’s not what I meant with my message and there’s more to contribute to a relationship than money. She starts making an effort, I start getting messages that are more and more romantic. She doesn't freak out anymore, she seems to be dropping this overly independent attitude, I stay vigilant but she seems to be taking a turn for the better. Note that at this point we're more than a year further since our initial date. The insecurity wasn’t gone, one night, as a reply to a romantic message from me, she asks why I’m being romantic. I can just ask for sex if I want, I don’t have to lie and pretend I love her. Instead of denying, I agreed, I said I did want sex with her, but for romantic reasons and not just physical. She replied that she really wants me but she’s just so afraid, I calmly replied I didn’t mind. I accepted her so I also accept her fears, I accept her with all her positive and negative traits, not just the parts I like. This seemed to have given her a sense of trust and security We go out, sometimes just the two of us, sometimes with our kids, she pays (a small part but again, it’s the act, not the money), she was really opening up and we were really getting fond of each other. There wasn't a single message that wasn’t followed with hearts and other romantic gestures. On my behalf, I show her that my words are followed with action, I'm not one of these men that give empty promises like she tends to believe. One day I surprised her with concert tickets for a sold out concert for Karol G. She reacts euphorically but suddenly asks if I have a ticket for her daughter as well. I told her I wasn't able to score a third ticket as this was from a reseller and I can only buy what they're offering. (Note: There were more available at that reseller but I was at my limit. I learned from the past, I already take her to her favorite singer for free.) She tells me she can't enjoy the concert without her daughter and starts looking for tickets at resellers (including sites I really don't trust), she even thought about VIP tickets because why not. (I was like: “ WTF, we’re sitting in a pub, I’m buying the beer, you ask me to buy you food, I agree because you have less and then you start looking for VIP tickets) I told her the VIP tickets are not sold out but insanely expensive (about 450 euro), she replied she didn’t mind when it’s for her daughter. In case you're wondering if I accept her daughter, I really do. She's a wonderful child, the concert is just really expensive and also not really a place where I'd take a 9yo. I thought: “Please no, not this financial crap again.” The day after she sends me reseller sites that I find untrustworthy, taking her daughter was the only thing she could put her mind on. In the upcoming weeks I continue having a relationship with her the way I do relations, I do a lot of activities, I show her I'm a man of my word. I make a list of all activities I want to do with her (or our kids), she reacts very lovely to that. And yes I start executing everything I planned, tropical pool for the four of us, private sauna for the two of us, etc. We’re having a double date! On one of our dates she asked me to pick up her sister and boyfriend to go to a restaurant. This adds about an hour to my driving time but I don’t mind, my investment into a slowly opening relationship. That night my daughter was with me but since she’s 13 now she can easily spend an evening by herself. In the restaurant, she still acts like a date and not my gf. The sister makes everything a bit more acceptable since she was the only one that spoke and understood French. Her boyfriend pays for the entire table (I genuinely thanked him) and my girlfriend asks to take all of us to my place for drinks. At my place (my daughter watching tv) I give them whisky cola and beers, she opens my fridge and sees about 12 beers, she immediately starts pushing me on how that’s not enough, we needed way more beer in the fridge. I drove her to the night shop (leaving the sis and her boyfriend alone in my apartment with my daughter, something I bet she’d never ever do if I were the one staying). We pick up more beers and Corona, then at my place she barely touches that beer, they just drink one Corona, why on earth did she make me drive to the night shop? There’s a party! She invited me to a party at her niece's place. I get Peruvian food and they charge 2 euro for a beer. The night begins great, I meet her friends and her father, great people. All of this is still in the concept of a friend, I’m not a boyfriend officially. Her daughter is playing in another room in the house, but she didn’t have any connection on her phone so I gave my phone as an access point. From time to time I ask my gf to give me my phone in case I receive a message or a call. Then I cross a line, I knock on the door of the room containing her daughter, just to check my phone, I notify her it’s me, my gf notices this, completely freaks out, yells at her daughter on how she can’t open for anyone including me. That actually hurt, we might not be dating that long but I’m no stranger either. Still I don't question her as a mother, yet she could have done this more friendly. The party continues, I get along with her dad and all her friends. She’s being nice, even holds my hand, yet to receive a kiss I had to be alone in another room with her. Every time I take a beer, I offer her one. She immediately asks to buy beers for other people, no worries, I agree. A fight breaks out between a few drunks, twice, with a bunch of drunk Peruvians piled up. After the fight one of her slutty friends (really that woman was a trainwreck) starts to twerk against me, I step back because I don’t do that with another woman. People start to cheer upon us, I give in for a few seconds, yet I make sure not to touch her, that's not a message I want to send to my gf, even if I’m just a friend in public. She gets angry again, thinking I’m a cheater and immediately starts to do the same dance with random men. I told her this wasn’t right, I’ve been playing the friend the entire evening, I never even touched that other woman, having this sort of petty revenge is below all means. She remains furious, yet we can talk in private, she turns around, kisses me and we make up. The party ends, I go home, she goes to sleep in that room with her daughter, peace is restored. One day (a few weeks ago) we're sitting in my car, she's all over me and tells me how I belong to her (completely love bombing me), suddenly she tells me how I have to tattoo her name on my manhood. I wanted to call her bluff, so I accepted her challenge if she tattooed my name on her body. Surprisingly she agreed, she even suggested my name on her boobs. A few days later I told her a manhood tattoo is a bit too insane (and also medically dangerous) so I accept her name on another part and my daughter's name on my arm. She agrees and sticks with the idea of my name on her boobs and adds a ring tattoo with our initials and those of our kids. She keeps talking about this for days like she really really wants my name. This was a bit odd, we were together for one month and she wanted our names tattooed, why did I call her bluff? What if she pushes this through? My daughter did react negatively, telling me I’ve been talking about her name for a long time but didn't do anything, yet for my gf’s name I immediately started planning. I told her she’s also in the planning but indeed, I only mentioned the gf and not my daughter, what was I doing? I wake up by this wake up call, I apologize and I prioritize the design of my daughter's name. Still, I’m a man of my words (although my priorities are sometimes overwhelmed by my emotions), so besides my daughter’s name, I also design our other names and the ring. My gf reacts very positively to the designs and appears to look forward to having my name on her body. Is this real? Suddenly, one day she starts doubting and she thinks tattooing a name is way too soon and she'd rather just go for a ring tattoo with my initials. I agree, it’s her body, the idea of my daughter's name remains unchanged. The day before the date for the tattoo, I sent her a message that my daughter picked the design for my tattoo and also hers, she reacted lovely to that. However when I asked what time I should pick her up, she replied with a long answer on how she thought the matter over and it's too soon to have initials tattooed because we don't know what the future brings. And most importantly, she already told me about this (she did not, she just went from name between boobs to initials on finger). I reacted calmly and said I'd still go through with my daughter's name, she's my daughter, I will not regret this. Yet this is just not done, backing down and making me ask before refusing. She didn’t even want to join me to the tattoo shop, but wrote positively that I could use the session for me. On the upside, I did get my daughter’s name tattooed and I’m absolutely thrilled about that. And in retrospect, by not tattooing our names she saved me from a very big mistake. Her daughter’s birthday! Me and my daughter pick them up and wo go to a nautical zoo, a fucking long drive but still an awesome daytrip. We buy a game for her Nintendo Switch packed in a box full of candy, chocolate and crisps and we head off to the zoo. In the zoo we have a blast, we even go through an obstacle course where I take her daughter with me. When the visit is over we visit the gift shop, my daughter chooses something sensibly she likes (she always does this), her daughter ravages the store. No worries, it’s her birthday, have a second gift, I take the bill. We drove off and she started talking about her upcoming birthday next month and she asked me if I could arrange a cabin at a river for about seven people. I told her I'd look. She immediately said she's only interested in that and she doesn't mind if I'm not able, yet I could sense discard in her voice. (I could be wrong here, she did mention her party somewhere that weekend) I tell her again my daughter needs braces, which I'm funding completely since her mom refuses to pay anything, so since braces are insanely expensive there will be moments where I'll be forced to decline activities that cost money, however I do what’s possible. I mentioned this several times since we started going out again and every time she reacted in a positive way, then why this type of reaction now? We go back to my place, she cooks (honestly she cooks amazing), we have some fun and we drive back to her place to deposit her daughter with her dad, my daughter stays at home. She tells me she wants to change clothes, meaning I can add 30 mins to my wait outside, always outside, I never enter her place apparently. Then we go to some friends of mine, I get to introduce her, we’re at their place just having fun and playing pool. My friends welcomed her immediately, trying to speak Spanish and making an effort to make her feel at home. When the night ends we go back to my place, to discover I’m out of coke for the whisky cola, she pushed me to go to the night shop but sadly they were all closed. She kept pushing me to drive back to her neighborhood to buy coke. I drove almost 400 km that day, I didn’t really want to but she kept pushing. Once entering her neighborhood she gets a call from her friend (that trainwreck), she asks me to visit her because she was crying and needed someone, she warned me not to give my number or any contact data because she’s very jealous (this wasn’t the first time she said that, really I don’t like that friend). Once arrived she had a drink with that drunk friend till my gf got sick about that herself, we dropped her off (she peed on the street) and went back to my place, with coke. At my place, she changes from her clothes to one of my shirts and we start watching South American videos on YouTube. Suddenly she shows me a video of a quinceanera party, apparently that’s a big party for when a girl turns 15, with horses, music and all the whatnot. My daughter rides horses as a sport, we know the people from the stables, looking at the video this doesn’t look that difficult to organize so I propose to her we can pull this off. Her mood changes, she reluctantly tells me I shouldn’t be pretending like she meant as much to me as my own daughter. (Yea of course my own daughter comes first to me, so does her to her, but that wasn’t the point. I have never disregarded her daughter, I mentioned many times that she's a fantastic child and I treat her with love. Also this wasn’t a situation where I had to choose, I only proposed that if she wants a party, we know the stables. She continues her rant going on and on, at one point she’s back in Peru and around 10yo and she starts crying because some men from her family touched her in inappropriate places. At that point I thought she was going mental but I still did the right thing, hugged her and calmed her down. Then she jumped up and started dancing. By that time we were around 08:00 and I said we had to turn the music down because we could wake up my daughter, she said we could continue in my room. (That made me happy, watching my gf dancing naked all night without being allowed to do anything but dance was a very strong foreplay) She goes to my room, I look for my phone, I enter my room and I find her dead asleep. I sleep beside her for a few hours, she wakes up, makes a move on me and we have sex. Later on, I drove her home (this is the last time I’ll ever see her) and we talked about her birthday party. When she asked me a few days back what I had planned for her birthday, my ideas weren’t good, she wanted me to rent a house for about 8 people. The house had to be in nature by a river. Driving her home, I admit I’m afraid I won’t be able to cater this on such a short notice, she replied she was prepared for the fact that I wouldn’t be able. Again, I’m a man of my word but I have almost nothing to work with here, I don’t even know how her friends or family are able to get there. One morning I sent her my attempts to find cabins but they’re all ridiculously expensive (I did jack up the price but with her there are always hidden costs), she didn't believe me and gave me an answer like if I'm not able we should just drop everything. I even asked her sister's number, asking if we could organize something together because she already mentioned she was also planning. She did give her contact but I can't help but feel her reluctance over this. The sister replied, making demands, immediately telling me what I have to pay (I did not mention anything about money, I only mentioned location, beers, friends, etc.) I agree, as long as I’m able, that’s all. A few days later the sister changes the house for 8 people to a single space for 12 people. Shortly after my gf aggressively sends me I should stop because I’m not doing anything anyway. Again, I work, meaning several hours of my day are committed to the company, I’m available, just not 24/7. I say I’d rather be involved but I respect her decision, I’m her boyfriend so I should be able to give her an experience for her birthday. She lashes out, telling me if I really was her boyfriend I’d organize her party and not try to make her sister pay. I did nothing of the sort, I wanted to organize with several people for a better organization, nothing more.
Later on she even thought the fact that I agreed to her pushing me out of the organization was horrible. The love in her messages made place for cold text. A few days later she compared our relation with her sister’s, telling me how that Cuban boyfriend makes sure she never has to pay for anything (Drinks, babysit, even parts of her rent) She went on about how I’m cold, never took care of her and only used her for sex. She told me she never had a boyfriend like me, she was absolutely struck by how poorly she was treated compared to how other men treat their woman. She even said I force her to share the gifts I give her. I started thinking back and indeed, a few months ago we weren’t officially together yet and she posted about how Valentine was about love and friendship, I gave her a big box of chocolates and I jokingly said this wasn’t for her alone, also for her daughter and other family members that wanted to try. I told her that’s the friendship part, she loved that idea, yet in silence that seemed to build resentment. I replied that here in Europe men and women are equal, paying everything would be an insult to a woman’s independence. (I didn’t reply on the other accusations) This was not an attempt to discard her culture so I added the fact that with great respect for her culture, she’s living in mine, this should result in a healthy mix and not one culture winning over the other. Yes since I was writing Spanish I accidentally used the word conquer instead of “winning over” so she aggressively reacted to that. I told her that’s not what I mean, that was the last we said, she didn’t reply anymore. Somewhere back in her rant I asked if she was dumping me over text, to which she replied: “Of course not.” Although that could have been sarcasm I was hurt, confused on how a situation with nothing but love and attachment could turn into this nightmare over communication about a party. A good (female) friend of mine told me she should pay for her own fucking party of she wants one, but I was too emotional to accept this. I did something I regret, I wrote on my Whatsapp status that if my daughter ever treats a man like she treated me, I’ve officially failed as a dad and a few other pics on healing from abuse, all in English. Yes it’s petty, I know, my emotions got the better of me. Yesterday (and today), her fb and Whatsapp status is packed with videos on how real men should treat real women. Is she punching back for my status, is she just using a coping mechanism, did she read my status at all? I don’t know but it felt like I was being kicked when I was down. She keeps on telling me how she hates people that waste her time but I'm afraid that's exactly what she did to me. Did I really invest in a person that doesn’t exist? Did I really come short? Was I really a cold boyfriend? If there’s one silver lining, I used the money for her party to buy a new firearm. The story has a lot more details than this, but it's been long enough already, by all means, ask me anything if I haven't been clear somewhere.

First of all, my apologies, I posted this before, everyone told me to leave and I didn't listen.
Here's the full story, with all the possible details
TL;DR: Have I really been a neglecting boyfriend after not organizing a birthday party?
At this moment I feel devastated and heartbroken and I’d like to write my story down. It's rather long and very detailed. I noticed that I tend to switch between past and present tense. I'm supposed to be fluent in English but it’s not my native language and I apologize for any inconsistencies. I also seem to be going back and forth with the timeline, my apologies for this. So about a year ago I met someone from South America, she spoke only Spanish, none of my native languages, which are Dutch and French so I tried my best to speak Spanish (I'm okay, just not fluent) and we went on a date. She talked about her native country, which is Peru, her daughter (8yo at the time), I talked about stuff in my life (I’m a biker, sports shooter and I go to the gym a few times a week), and my daughter (11yo at the time). By the way, all of this happens in my country, which is Belgium. The date went really well, however she started drinking rather heavily and we ended up in my place having sex, the day after everything went really friendly although she was rather embarrassed she went that far on a first date. I assured her that's not really my style either but we were both in a party mood and drunk and one thing led to another. In the upcoming weeks we continued seeing each other (just regular dates, nothing sexual) and we got along really fine, what I did notice was that she never offered to pay for anything. For the moment she's not a legal resident so she can't work legally and she only works as a babysitter at someone's house so I let that slide. I do make a lot more than she does and I drive a company car so money is less tight to me, however this doesn't mean my resources are limitless. I take care of my daughter financially, I try to save for her and myself, for my sports, traveling so although I make a lot, life is very expensive. Let’s say I usually find a balance between enjoying life with my money and being responsible. She making a lot less money doesn’t mean she has nothing either, although I remain chivalrous, in Belgium it’s very common for a woman to pay as well, it’s more about the act and not really about the money. (Of course it’s different when you live together.) Also men and women are equal here, yet at the same time I try to take into account and show respect for the fact that this might be completely different in her culture. She did show she doesn't easily trust men, calling all men liars, continuously saying she believes in actions and is very reluctant towards words, always expressing the fact she’s completely independent. I did find this contradictory with her attitude to let men pay for her, but okay, different culture and a language barrier. (She speaks incredibly fast and sometimes understanding her was a task). At one point she asked (in a message) if I wanted to get to know her sisters, since family is important to her I enthusiastically said yes (I thought she was introducing me to her family), she interpreted this as an attempt to date her sisters and immediately blocked me. At this moment I panicked, I called a friend of hers and tried to explain the misunderstanding. Luckily she unblocked me and we continued talking and dating. However to avoid this in the future, I did say to her that if I ever were to say anything offensive, to ask or notify me, I speak Spanish rather fairly but it’s not my native language, so with this language barrier mistakes are always possible. She once even reacted in anger because she thought I wrote too many messages that indicated I wanted her for sex only, I apologized, assured her that is not the case and I also showed this in my actions. One very positive point, I picked up my Spanish lessons from school again and I started studying again so my Spanish would improve and indeed, these types of misunderstandings did more or less go away. However, now that I’m looking back, her attempts to learn French were no more than some basic phrases and my warning for the mistakes wasn’t taken into account for. After some more weeks passed by, we did seem to like each other a lot and she seemed to let her guard down, she started talking about doing activities with our kids, some time later she really wanted a relationship with me. Her daughter was really nice, she almost immediately became friends with my daughter, my gf was so pleased, we really connected. Then I made a horrible mistake, I didn't delete a dating app on my phone and she found conversations from the first week of our official relationship. (We were a month along) In my defense, I also have friends (non sexual) I met on these apps and the conversations were nothing more than a hello. Still I understand her feeling reluctant, I didn't show respect there, however she said nothing, and that night when I was sleeping she wrote a long message on how I was a horrible cheater and blocked me again. The last I could see was a status update where she filmed herself adding text she doesn’t need a man. Same story, talked to her friend, unblocked and we continued. I delete the dating app, I apologize for the lack of respect and I show her I'm actually loyal. About two months passed and we're in a nice relationship, however her wallet stayed closed. She even went as far as asking me for money to tip the waiter. Note: Tipping isn’t that customary in my country, the waiter was really confused. One night when we were going out I had enough. I just told her I was out of cash. Suddenly she pulls out a 50 euro bill (to the readers from the USA, a Euro is slightly higher than a dollar), gives me the bill and tells me she can lend me money so I can continue buying drinks and pay back the money later. I was dumbfounded. I asked her why she just couldn't offer a drink but she didn't seem to go with that story. In the pub she continuously kept saying I was tired and I should go home, I wasn’t tired at all but after a while I was fed up and I said: “Okay, I’ll go home.” Then she surprised me again, she asked me to pay a few beers forward (with the money she lent me) so she can continue drinking while I go home. I thought: “You know what? Take it, I’ve had it for today.” I pay for the beers and I walk out. Then she follows me and stops me, asking me to stay. At this point she really started to irritate me, ask me to go or stay but make a decision. We went back to the pub, I took one of the prepaid beers, which she didn’t like because those were hers supposedly. Suddenly the police entered the pub, they received a complaint about the noise, nothing special, just a standard visit. However, the bartender (a good female friend of my gf), also foreign didn’t have any identification, apparently she was here illegally. Police, forced to do their job, arrests her, my gf starts lashing out at the police, I tried to stop her because she’s here illegally as well. Had a friendly chat with the police, they were even impressed that I could speak foreign languages, really nice guys. At some point I had to pee, unfortunately the police weren't allowed to let us back inside the pub so I went somewhere between houses. (Not my style either but the pressure was high) When I came back my gf was gone, she thought I bailed, asked no questions and was walking home. I explained here why I was gone and later on she asked me to drive to the police station to find her friend, I tried to talk her out of that idea, trying to explain she’s being held for questioning and she’ll probably just be released in a few hours. She wouldn’t listen and wanted to go to the police station, at that point another friend of hers joined us and I drove them to a closed police station. The night ends, I drop them off and I go home. Luckily not all of our dates went like that, mostly we went to pubs, then ended up at my place where she changed into one of my shirts, looked at latin music on YouTube and then ended up spending the night. We did go to a Peruvian restaurant once, I let her order for me, no tourist food, the real experience. She orders her food, eats a part, decides it wasn’t tasty and just orders something else. You guessed it, I paid the bill. One day she talks about her daughter's upcoming anniversary (in a message), I propose to buy her a gift, however I'd like to wait a few weeks till my funds are replenished. She bursts out in anger, again, still unable to write my name correctly (that’s a real frustration, from the very beginning she wrote my name wrong), telling me how I'm always talking about money (I don't, I calculate a lot but I rarely talk about this) and she blocks me again. I was fed up, I just came from another relationship with a narcissist (true story) and I realized I was still in a people please mode, I couldn’t handle another one of these situations. I didn't call her friend anymore, I picked up the pieces of my heart and I went on. I told my daughter she wouldn't be seeing her daughter anymore (they got along really well so she was sad), picked my life back up and started focusing on healing rather than being with someone. The narcissist I mentioned is not the person in this story, I’m referring to a previous relationship. A few days later she sent me a poorly translated text with her bank account, asking me to deposit the 50 euro she lent me, minus 3 euro for an iPhone cover I bought her online. I ignored the message and went on with my life. I don’t steal from people but this was compensation for me. A few months later she texted me again, telling me how she misses our daughters being together and she really wants to see me. I agree on the condition that it's her time to pay for a drink. Yes you are allowed to call me an idiot here. So we went on a friendly date, she did pay, more or less, scratching the change in her pocket and barely getting to pay the bill for a few beers. However she did make a move on me again, I just went with it without expecting anything. That weekend we went out, the wallet was closed again and the romance was shifted back to friends and nothing more, she even asked me to take her friends out in the future. Yet instead of telling her to sod off, I felt hurt, meaning I wasn't healed as much as I wanted, I did improve but I still had a long way to go. The day after I sent her a message that going out as friends was too much for me and I couldn't see her on these terms anymore. (You could say I should have been more direct or blunt but I felt bad enough as it was and I also wanted to break her stereotypical view that all men take advantage of women). She replies in a very long message on how she's independent, I reply with an apology in case I ever hurt her. I hide my own pain, and once again I move on. Thanks to therapy, self reflection and really good friends I find myself again, I even have a few sexual encounters (always lifts the spirit), I take care of my daughter and I take (and improve) life one day at a time. A few months later, you guessed it, she texts me again. She misses me and she wants to get back in touch. I admit she has a special place in my heart, but no matter how special that is, she's not coming in anymore with that "all men are liars" and "I don't pay anything" attitude. For once I'm putting my brain ahead of my heart. We go out for a drink, she picks up the pill, we end up at my place, she spends the night. The day after I drop her off and I decide to take things differently, I send sweet yet straightforward messages, ignoring her evasive words and she becomes really impressed. I sent her an email, talking about the heavy divorce I had with my daughter’s mom, how she tried to demand way too much money from me and how I had to rebuild enormously financially, explaining why I’m reluctant to let people in my life who demand I pay everything. I don’t mind her not being able to pay a lot, but be fair. I do tell her my daughter needs braces and since her mom doesn’t feel like contributing I’m taking the full bill, which will be between 3000 and 4000 euro, meaning I don’t mind paying but sometimes I’ll be unable. That was only a small part of the mail, I really hate these ridiculous financial conversations and I do not want to give the impression here that our relation completely revolved around who pays the bill in the pub. I talk mostly about what happened with my daughter’s mom and the narcissist and what I expect from a relationship. She reacted very lovely to my mail and she seemed to really want to be with me. I was very clear, she could come back, however she knew my boundaries. I did receive a sad message from her, saying she wants to be with me but she can’t contribute in a financial way the way I demand from her. I simply reply that’s not what I meant with my message and there’s more to contribute to a relationship than money. She starts making an effort, I start getting messages that are more and more romantic. She doesn't freak out anymore, she seems to be dropping this overly independent attitude, I stay vigilant but she seems to be taking a turn for the better. Note that at this point we're more than a year further since our initial date. The insecurity wasn’t gone, one night, as a reply to a romantic message from me, she asks why I’m being romantic. I can just ask for sex if I want, I don’t have to lie and pretend I love her. Instead of denying, I agreed, I said I did want sex with her, but for romantic reasons and not just physical. She replied that she really wants me but she’s just so afraid, I calmly replied I didn’t mind. I accepted her so I also accept her fears, I accept her with all her positive and negative traits, not just the parts I like. This seemed to have given her a sense of trust and security We go out, sometimes just the two of us, sometimes with our kids, she pays (a small part but again, it’s the act, not the money), she was really opening up and we were really getting fond of each other. There wasn't a single message that wasn’t followed with hearts and other romantic gestures. On my behalf, I show her that my words are followed with action, I'm not one of these men that give empty promises like she tends to believe. One day I surprised her with concert tickets for a sold out concert for Karol G. She reacts euphorically but suddenly asks if I have a ticket for her daughter as well. I told her I wasn't able to score a third ticket as this was from a reseller and I can only buy what they're offering. (Note: There were more available at that reseller but I was at my limit. I learned from the past, I already take her to her favorite singer for free.) She tells me she can't enjoy the concert without her daughter and starts looking for tickets at resellers (including sites I really don't trust), she even thought about VIP tickets because why not. (I was like: “ WTF, we’re sitting in a pub, I’m buying the beer, you ask me to buy you food, I agree because you have less and then you start looking for VIP tickets) I told her the VIP tickets are not sold out but insanely expensive (about 450 euro), she replied she didn’t mind when it’s for her daughter. In case you're wondering if I accept her daughter, I really do. She's a wonderful child, the concert is just really expensive and also not really a place where I'd take a 9yo. I thought: “Please no, not this financial crap again.” The day after she sends me reseller sites that I find untrustworthy, taking her daughter was the only thing she could put her mind on. In the upcoming weeks I continue having a relationship with her the way I do relations, I do a lot of activities, I show her I'm a man of my word. I make a list of all activities I want to do with her (or our kids), she reacts very lovely to that. And yes I start executing everything I planned, tropical pool for the four of us, private sauna for the two of us, etc. We’re having a double date! On one of our dates she asked me to pick up her sister and boyfriend to go to a restaurant. This adds about an hour to my driving time but I don’t mind, my investment into a slowly opening relationship. That night my daughter was with me but since she’s 13 now she can easily spend an evening by herself. In the restaurant, she still acts like a date and not my gf. The sister makes everything a bit more acceptable since she was the only one that spoke and understood French. Her boyfriend pays for the entire table (I genuinely thanked him) and my girlfriend asks to take all of us to my place for drinks. At my place (my daughter watching tv) I give them whisky cola and beers, she opens my fridge and sees about 12 beers, she immediately starts pushing me on how that’s not enough, we needed way more beer in the fridge. I drove her to the night shop (leaving the sis and her boyfriend alone in my apartment with my daughter, something I bet she’d never ever do if I were the one staying). We pick up more beers and Corona, then at my place she barely touches that beer, they just drink one Corona, why on earth did she make me drive to the night shop? There’s a party! She invited me to a party at her niece's place. I get Peruvian food and they charge 2 euro for a beer. The night begins great, I meet her friends and her father, great people. All of this is still in the concept of a friend, I’m not a boyfriend officially. Her daughter is playing in another room in the house, but she didn’t have any connection on her phone so I gave my phone as an access point. From time to time I ask my gf to give me my phone in case I receive a message or a call. Then I cross a line, I knock on the door of the room containing her daughter, just to check my phone, I notify her it’s me, my gf notices this, completely freaks out, yells at her daughter on how she can’t open for anyone including me. That actually hurt, we might not be dating that long but I’m no stranger either. Still I don't question her as a mother, yet she could have done this more friendly. The party continues, I get along with her dad and all her friends. She’s being nice, even holds my hand, yet to receive a kiss I had to be alone in another room with her. Every time I take a beer, I offer her one. She immediately asks to buy beers for other people, no worries, I agree. A fight breaks out between a few drunks, twice, with a bunch of drunk Peruvians piled up. After the fight one of her slutty friends (really that woman was a trainwreck) starts to twerk against me, I step back because I don’t do that with another woman. People start to cheer upon us, I give in for a few seconds, yet I make sure not to touch her, that's not a message I want to send to my gf, even if I’m just a friend in public. She gets angry again, thinking I’m a cheater and immediately starts to do the same dance with random men. I told her this wasn’t right, I’ve been playing the friend the entire evening, I never even touched that other woman, having this sort of petty revenge is below all means. She remains furious, yet we can talk in private, she turns around, kisses me and we make up. The party ends, I go home, she goes to sleep in that room with her daughter, peace is restored. One day (a few weeks ago) we're sitting in my car, she's all over me and tells me how I belong to her (completely love bombing me), suddenly she tells me how I have to tattoo her name on my manhood. I wanted to call her bluff, so I accepted her challenge if she tattooed my name on her body. Surprisingly she agreed, she even suggested my name on her boobs. A few days later I told her a manhood tattoo is a bit too insane (and also medically dangerous) so I accept her name on another part and my daughter's name on my arm. She agrees and sticks with the idea of my name on her boobs and adds a ring tattoo with our initials and those of our kids. She keeps talking about this for days like she really really wants my name. This was a bit odd, we were together for one month and she wanted our names tattooed, why did I call her bluff? What if she pushes this through? My daughter did react negatively, telling me I’ve been talking about her name for a long time but didn't do anything, yet for my gf’s name I immediately started planning. I told her she’s also in the planning but indeed, I only mentioned the gf and not my daughter, what was I doing? I wake up by this wake up call, I apologize and I prioritize the design of my daughter's name. Still, I’m a man of my words (although my priorities are sometimes overwhelmed by my emotions), so besides my daughter’s name, I also design our other names and the ring. My gf reacts very positively to the designs and appears to look forward to having my name on her body. Is this real? Suddenly, one day she starts doubting and she thinks tattooing a name is way too soon and she'd rather just go for a ring tattoo with my initials. I agree, it’s her body, the idea of my daughter's name remains unchanged. The day before the date for the tattoo, I sent her a message that my daughter picked the design for my tattoo and also hers, she reacted lovely to that. However when I asked what time I should pick her up, she replied with a long answer on how she thought the matter over and it's too soon to have initials tattooed because we don't know what the future brings. And most importantly, she already told me about this (she did not, she just went from name between boobs to initials on finger). I reacted calmly and said I'd still go through with my daughter's name, she's my daughter, I will not regret this. Yet this is just not done, backing down and making me ask before refusing. She didn’t even want to join me to the tattoo shop, but wrote positively that I could use the session for me. On the upside, I did get my daughter’s name tattooed and I’m absolutely thrilled about that. And in retrospect, by not tattooing our names she saved me from a very big mistake. Her daughter’s birthday! Me and my daughter pick them up and wo go to a nautical zoo, a fucking long drive but still an awesome daytrip. We buy a game for her Nintendo Switch packed in a box full of candy, chocolate and crisps and we head off to the zoo. In the zoo we have a blast, we even go through an obstacle course where I take her daughter with me. When the visit is over we visit the gift shop, my daughter chooses something sensibly she likes (she always does this), her daughter ravages the store. No worries, it’s her birthday, have a second gift, I take the bill. We drove off and she started talking about her upcoming birthday next month and she asked me if I could arrange a cabin at a river for about seven people. I told her I'd look. She immediately said she's only interested in that and she doesn't mind if I'm not able, yet I could sense discard in her voice. (I could be wrong here, she did mention her party somewhere that weekend) I tell her again my daughter needs braces, which I'm funding completely since her mom refuses to pay anything, so since braces are insanely expensive there will be moments where I'll be forced to decline activities that cost money, however I do what’s possible. I mentioned this several times since we started going out again and every time she reacted in a positive way, then why this type of reaction now? We go back to my place, she cooks (honestly she cooks amazing), we have some fun and we drive back to her place to deposit her daughter with her dad, my daughter stays at home. She tells me she wants to change clothes, meaning I can add 30 mins to my wait outside, always outside, I never enter her place apparently. Then we go to some friends of mine, I get to introduce her, we’re at their place just having fun and playing pool. My friends welcomed her immediately, trying to speak Spanish and making an effort to make her feel at home. When the night ends we go back to my place, to discover I’m out of coke for the whisky cola, she pushed me to go to the night shop but sadly they were all closed. She kept pushing me to drive back to her neighborhood to buy coke. I drove almost 400 km that day, I didn’t really want to but she kept pushing. Once entering her neighborhood she gets a call from her friend (that trainwreck), she asks me to visit her because she was crying and needed someone, she warned me not to give my number or any contact data because she’s very jealous (this wasn’t the first time she said that, really I don’t like that friend). Once arrived she had a drink with that drunk friend till my gf got sick about that herself, we dropped her off (she peed on the street) and went back to my place, with coke. At my place, she changes from her clothes to one of my shirts and we start watching South American videos on YouTube. Suddenly she shows me a video of a quinceanera party, apparently that’s a big party for when a girl turns 15, with horses, music and all the whatnot. My daughter rides horses as a sport, we know the people from the stables, looking at the video this doesn’t look that difficult to organize so I propose to her we can pull this off. Her mood changes, she reluctantly tells me I shouldn’t be pretending like she meant as much to me as my own daughter. (Yea of course my own daughter comes first to me, so does her to her, but that wasn’t the point. I have never disregarded her daughter, I mentioned many times that she's a fantastic child and I treat her with love. Also this wasn’t a situation where I had to choose, I only proposed that if she wants a party, we know the stables. She continues her rant going on and on, at one point she’s back in Peru and around 10yo and she starts crying because some men from her family touched her in inappropriate places. At that point I thought she was going mental but I still did the right thing, hugged her and calmed her down. Then she jumped up and started dancing. By that time we were around 08:00 and I said we had to turn the music down because we could wake up my daughter, she said we could continue in my room. (That made me happy, watching my gf dancing naked all night without being allowed to do anything but dance was a very strong foreplay) She goes to my room, I look for my phone, I enter my room and I find her dead asleep. I sleep beside her for a few hours, she wakes up, makes a move on me and we have sex. Later on, I drove her home (this is the last time I’ll ever see her) and we talked about her birthday party. When she asked me a few days back what I had planned for her birthday, my ideas weren’t good, she wanted me to rent a house for about 8 people. The house had to be in nature by a river. Driving her home, I admit I’m afraid I won’t be able to cater this on such a short notice, she replied she was prepared for the fact that I wouldn’t be able. Again, I’m a man of my word but I have almost nothing to work with here, I don’t even know how her friends or family are able to get there. One morning I sent her my attempts to find cabins but they’re all ridiculously expensive (I did jack up the price but with her there are always hidden costs), she didn't believe me and gave me an answer like if I'm not able we should just drop everything. I even asked her sister's number, asking if we could organize something together because she already mentioned she was also planning. She did give her contact but I can't help but feel her reluctance over this. The sister replied, making demands, immediately telling me what I have to pay (I did not mention anything about money, I only mentioned location, beers, friends, etc.) I agree, as long as I’m able, that’s all. A few days later the sister changes the house for 8 people to a single space for 12 people. Shortly after my gf aggressively sends me I should stop because I’m not doing anything anyway. Again, I work, meaning several hours of my day are committed to the company, I’m available, just not 24/7. I say I’d rather be involved but I respect her decision, I’m her boyfriend so I should be able to give her an experience for her birthday. She lashes out, telling me if I really was her boyfriend I’d organize her party and not try to make her sister pay. I did nothing of the sort, I wanted to organize with several people for a better organization, nothing more.
Later on she even thought the fact that I agreed to her pushing me out of the organization was horrible. The love in her messages made place for cold text. A few days later she compared our relation with her sister’s, telling me how that Cuban boyfriend makes sure she never has to pay for anything (Drinks, babysit, even parts of her rent) She went on about how I’m cold, never took care of her and only used her for sex. She told me she never had a boyfriend like me, she was absolutely struck by how poorly she was treated compared to how other men treat their woman. She even said I force her to share the gifts I give her. I started thinking back and indeed, a few months ago we weren’t officially together yet and she posted about how Valentine was about love and friendship, I gave her a big box of chocolates and I jokingly said this wasn’t for her alone, also for her daughter and other family members that wanted to try. I told her that’s the friendship part, she loved that idea, yet in silence that seemed to build resentment. I replied that here in Europe men and women are equal, paying everything would be an insult to a woman’s independence. (I didn’t reply on the other accusations) This was not an attempt to discard her culture so I added the fact that with great respect for her culture, she’s living in mine, this should result in a healthy mix and not one culture winning over the other. Yes since I was writing Spanish I accidentally used the word conquer instead of “winning over” so she aggressively reacted to that. I told her that’s not what I mean, that was the last we said, she didn’t reply anymore. Somewhere back in her rant I asked if she was dumping me over text, to which she replied: “Of course not.” Although that could have been sarcasm I was hurt, confused on how a situation with nothing but love and attachment could turn into this nightmare over communication about a party. A good (female) friend of mine told me she should pay for her own fucking party of she wants one, but I was too emotional to accept this. I did something I regret, I wrote on my Whatsapp status that if my daughter ever treats a man like she treated me, I’ve officially failed as a dad and a few other pics on healing from abuse, all in English. Yes it’s petty, I know, my emotions got the better of me. Yesterday (and today), her fb and Whatsapp status is packed with videos on how real men should treat real women. Is she punching back for my status, is she just using a coping mechanism, did she read my status at all? I don’t know but it felt like I was being kicked when I was down. She keeps on telling me how she hates people that waste her time but I'm afraid that's exactly what she did to me. Did I really invest in a person that doesn’t exist? Did I really come short? Was I really a cold boyfriend? If there’s one silver lining, I used the money for her party to buy a new firearm. The story has a lot more details than this, but it's been long enough already, by all means, ask me anything if I haven't been clear somewhere.

Well this is when this group comes in handy! I’m doing a college project on Latin America and some countries were easier than others But I need suggestions from you guys so fill me in on suggestions. Here’s my list:
Puerto Rico : mofongo, pina colada, reggeton, bad bunny, Marc Anthony, jlo ???
Mexico: Mariachi, Tequila, Margaritas, Tacos, day of the dead, Frida Kahlo, Aztec pyramids,cenotes, Quinceaneras, Piñatas, novelas, beauty pegeants, Boxing, Canelo, corridos, peso pluma, mana, RBD, Guillermo del toro, Salma Hayek, Diego Luna, Gael García Bernal, lucha libre, avocados, corn, horchata, chocolate,
Dominican Republic: Merengue, baseball, Sammy sosa ????
Cuba: cigars, Fidel Castro , Salsa music, Celia Cruz ????
Brazil: Samba, Carnival, UFC, Soccer, Neymar ??
Colombia: Coffee, Shakira ???
Argentina: Soccer, Messi, ???
El Salvador: Bukele, pupusas, Mayans ???
Guatemala: Mayan Ruins ???
Peru: Machi Pichu, Ceviche
Panama: Noriega, ???
Costa Rica: : ???
Honduras:????
Venezuela: ????
Nicaragua: ???
Ecuador: ???
Bolivia: ???
Paraguay: ???
Uruguay: ???
Chile: ???

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/tabadmanners and u/ThrowRAbadmanners2. He posted in AmItheAsshole and relationship_advice
There was a previous BORU post with the first two posts by u/matthewsmugmanager here. The newest posts are marked with **** and are over a year later.
Thanks to u/missxmonstera and u/burnt-----toast for the rec
Mood Spoiler: ooooooof I want to bang my head against a wall
Original Post: August 1, 2022
Hi everyone, using a throwaway because I don’t want this on my main but I would like an outside opinion.
My fiancée “Lola” and I have been together for five years (engaged for a little over a year) and we have twins (boy and girl, 2.5). Our wedding is in two months.
Lola usually takes care of feeding the kids in the morning since I work early, and so I never noticed this until recently. I took a week vacation from work to just spend time at home with my kids and Lola and started to notice something that bothered me.
Lola has been teaching our kids bad table manners and sees nothing wrong with it. I hadn’t noticed this before, as they don’t eat this type of food for lunch/dinnesnacks or eat it all the time so I guess I just missed it as I wasn’t home or she fed them other things on the weekends.
This morning I was helping Lola make breakfast and then I got the kids ready while she brought their food out for them. As they were getting ready to eat, I noticed they didn’t have forks/spoons so I told Lola I would get them and she said there was “no need”.
I watched instead and she gave the kids tortillas that she ripped into pieces and they were using their bare hands to grab the food using the pieces of the tortilla. I asked her what she was doing and that she should be giving them utensils but she seemed shocked that I was concerned and said that’s how they always eat it.
I told her that she was teaching them bad manners and making them think it was okay to just grab food with their hands. She told me they do that anyway when they have chips or grapes or tacos and pizza and listed a bunch of other snacks and fast food you eat without utensils but I pointed out that those things are usually made to be eaten quickly or on the road (like fast food) so utensils aren’t needed.
She said I was being offensive by calling her way of eating gross and saying it was having bad manners, but I do think it’s gross to see someone grabbing at food with their bare hands like that. She said she grew up eating like that and would always use tortillas to eat things like eggs or meat/rice/beans and that it wasn’t gross because she always made the kids wash their hands before they ate.
I ended up giving my kids forks for them to eat which they didn’t want to use, which made me even more frustrated with her because now they’re used to this.
Lola has been really annoyed the rest of the day and wouldn’t let me help her with lunch, and earlier she was walking around the house speaking to someone (probably her sister) in spanish about me and i’m starting to feel a bit annoyed.
AITA?
EDIT: wow lots of replies quickly. They seem to be mixed so far but I will add in that the kids CAN use utensils and use them with foods like soups/pastas/etc, I just fear that allowing them to continue using their hands will make them used to it.
Relevant Comments:
You're not wrong for wanting to teach them to be able to use utensils, but the way you went about it was terrible:
"To be clear, they can use utensils I just think that allowing them not to will make them used to eating with their bare hands and then they’ll try it with someone that CANT be eaten that way, say soup or spaghetti for example."
"They do use utensils when eating other things like pasta/soup/etc"
So like... what's the problem then?
"I think it’s bad manners and a little unhygienic"
What does 'bad manners' mean? In this case it just sounds like it annoys you. And unhygienic? They've washed their hands.
"What if you went to to a restaurant and saw people grabbing at all the food with their hands and fists and shoving it in their mouths? would you not consider that bad manners?"
Info, is your fiancée a POC? Is it a cultural thing?
"She is not of color. She is mexican but very pale with green eyes"
"Lola is not brown. She is Mexican but she is white"
Mexicans aren't white no matter how fair skinned they are.
"There are white Latinos, which my wife is. If you looked at her you would not think she is Mexican."
OOP is voted YTA
Update Post: August 4, 2022 (3 days later)
Hello (again). I’m hoping so follow all the rules so this doesn’t get deleted or anything but I wanted to post a quick update because I got a big fat reality check yesterday.
I admit that at first I was annoyed and defensive that everyone was ganging up on me and saying I was racist/an absent parent/ etc.
However, surprisingly enough, it was the comments who were trying to defend me and somewhat agreeing with me that ended up changing my mind. At first I was mainly focusing on the 2-3 comments in my defense but as I read more of them I started to realize that they WERE sounding racist/disrespectful and then I realized the rest of you were right, and that is what I sounded like in my post.
There were a few comments saying something like “In America that is not normal” but we are not in America and hearing people say that to me while defending me was shocking to say the least. I don’t want to be one of those people who goes around telling people that they need to speak a certain language or do a certain thing because of where they happen to be.
I showed my wife the post and she saw a lot of your disrespectful comments agreeing with me calling her way of eating unhygienic and she said they sounded like me which made me realize I was an asshole.
For those asking if I had never seen my wife eat like that: no i hadn’t and I asked her why she never did even though she said i she grew up doing it. She told me how a few months into our relationship I had made a comment about someone in a film being “poor and weird” for eating food with their hands. I do remember having said this and it is something that I should not have said. She said that is why she didn’t eat like that in front of me but she thought I wouldn’t mind if our kids did, as they are toddlers and toddlers regularly eat with their hands.
I am doing a lot of self reflection and have apologized deeply to my wife. She said she needs some time to think things through after seeing the post and my comments as well as everyone’s comments, which I fully respect.
Thanks everyone for your insight.
*****Update Post 2: January 9, 2024 (1.5 years later)****\*
Title: My (M32) fiancee (F32) suddenly doesn't want to marry me anymore because of a disagreement we had a year ago. What now?
Hi everyone. I've been with my fiancee "Lola" for almost 7 years now and we've been engaged for 2 of those years. We have twins together (M&F, 3) and I thought we were happy.
About a year ago we had a small fight/disagreement about how she was raising our kids, but after receiving some feedback from Reddit, I was able to see that I was in the wrong and I was being incredibly offensive toward my wife (this was on a different account that I lost the info for, but everyone was very helpful so thanks again). I apologized and she seemed to accept my apology, and I thought things were back to normal after all of that. She seemed to be her normal self again and we didn't argue/disagree about that topic anymore. In fact, we hadn't had even a minor disagreement for months after that. I thought we were happy.
Well, we were originally planning to get married last year (October of 2023) but she ended up changing her mind and saying she wanted to push back the wedding a bit. I was a bit confused and she wouldn't really elaborate on why, she just said it was stressful to plan a wedding with toddlers and she needed some time so I agreed.
Well, she just dropped a bomb on me out of nowhere a few days ago when she randomly stated that she doesn't think she wants to get married anymore. This was heartbreaking to hear, of course, and I asked that we sit and talk it out. She ended up telling me that she doesn't think we are compatible (after 7 years?) and that she thinks we should go our own ways and co-parent. I'm devastated. I pressed for more information, like what made you realize this? And why now? And she basically said that she felt like I didn't really "know" her and that I didn't want to know her. I thought this was ridiculous! I know everything about her! I know her favorite color, movie, and song, I know her favorite food, I can read her body language extremely well! I DO know her, we've been together for years! She said a few more things and apparently, she's been thinking over our relationship since that fight happened a year ago. She said it was "eye-opening" for her, and that when I let her see the post and she looked through all the comments, she realized things about me that she had swept under the rug for years and blown off as one-time issues. She went on a whole schpiel about all these things she had realized about me and how she didn't think we should be together anymore.
I don't even know what she means. I think I zoned out for most of her rant because I was so blindsided and hurt by this that I was trying not to break down in tears. I offered to go to couples counseling and individual counseling but she said it was too late and that I should have done that/offered that a year ago when this all blew up. I don't even know what to do now, and I think it's a bit unfair for her to put all of that on me. Just because I didn't think of therapy after a minor disagreement A YEAR AGO I'm no longer someone she wants to marry? Thats insane.
I don't know what to do. How can I get her to give me another chance to see that I still love her and we can make this work? What can I say to make her change her mind? I'm so lost and I don't know what to do.
EDIT: I think it might be a good idea to link the original post with the details of our disagreement as some people are asking for the details and accusing me of avoiding the question so the post can be found here
EDIT: I feel that you all have given me a lot to think about and reflect on. Thank you. I will no longer be replying to comments.
Relevant Comments: (There are a lot. I tried to include the ones that were most relevant)
Someone responds to OOP when he questions why she would wait a year:
Commenter: Probably bc she was trying to reconcile her conflicting feelings and trying to make it work. With time and reflection, she's realized that that incident you previously posted about (as well as many others) changed the way she sees and feels about you when all added up. It sounds like you didnt make a sincere effort to learn about and understand her culture, which is likely what makes her feel like you dont know her. It sounds like she's tried really hard to ignore her doubt and keep it together bc there is love there and you have children together but she's realized she's only been dragging out the inevitable.
You made racist comments about heher culture my guy. Its understandable that those kinds of things have the potential to fester and become looming issues. Even if you stopped making them, you were the type of person to make them in the first place and she may have spent the past year wondering if you still felt that way but were just holding your tongue.
OOP: Well I did learn that the part of her culture that I insulted was just a way of doing things and I corrected my actions. You're right that I didn't actively go out and learn every single thing about her culture but she didn't bring that up either so I'm not sure what I could have done.
You could have taken an active role in learning about her culture:
"Yes bit it is HER culture, right? Like, wouldn't it be the default for her to be the one to teach me if I don't know about it? Like when you go to school, you are taught things by the person who knows about them. It's not like they make you go out and learn it yourself on the internet right? If she wanted me to be more active and involved/learn more, why not help with that or teach me more?"
Yeah but it's also a culture YOUR children share???
"Well I wouldn't expect her to teach our children my culture, so I just figured that she would teach them hers and I would mine."
"This is harsh but I think you are right. I never really thought about how I was also being racist to my children and that breaks my heart."
You need her to hold your hand with teaching you all of this?
"I don't mean that I needed her to tell me what to do but I just don't understand what people mean when they say I should have learned about it myself. Its not my culture and she didn't discuss it with me. I didn't even know I as being offensive in the argument we had. Am I just supposed to google "Is ____ offensive to ___ culture" for every action?"
Maybe she wanted someone to take an ACTIVE interest in her culture instead of just passively waiting:
Okay, I think I understand what people are saying now. You don't think that is a little bit manipulative though? I'm not trying to be malicious or offensive I am honestly asking. Like if you had an issue with your partnetheir actions, you don't think it's a bit manipulative to never bring it up and just expect them to read your mind/know there is an issue and fix this issue (that they don't know about) by themselves somehow? Or am I being naive?
Zoning out:
"I don't normally zone out, I just meant I was in shock at that time.
It was a bit deal and I apologized and addressed the issue. I didn't just drop it, I learned from my mistake and from being roasted by reddit on the post. I admitted my failures and I apologized and she seemed to accept the apology and it was never brought up again. I did work to repair the damage, as I apologized and understood that I was being ignorant and racist and I did not want to be that person. I realized that I was erasing and judging part of my children's culture and I did want them to be involved and I wanted my wife to keep teaching them about her culture as well.
I will be getting individual therapy and I hope I can make it up to her."
It's done. Counseling wouldn't have worked anyway because you only admitted you were wrong once reddit told you:
"Well she never told me that I was being disrespectful and I didn't really know it was important to her culture. Once I realized that I apologized to her."
Similar to the above, one more exchange:
Commenter: Do you think that coming to reddit (which is typically a male dominated forum) and deciding you were an asshole to her only because perfect strangers said you were, instead of believing your literal fiancée that you were hurting/being an asshole to her, contributed? Because I sure do.
OOP: I never thought of it this way. I had a similar realization in my last post, as a lot of the people who were defending me were doing so by sending my really racist messages, like explicitly racist/using slurs to describe people from her culture, which is what gave me a wake up call about my actions being wrong, but I didn't really think about the gender of the users here.
Editor's note: There's one more longer comment exchange that would take up too much space, but here it is if you're interested.
Update Post 3: January 15, 2024 (6 days later)
Hi everyone. This will likely be the last post I make about this situation as everything seems to be final now. This one is made with my ex's permission and she will read over it beforehand, as she thinks I am an unreliable narrator.
First of all, we have broken up. She gave me back the ring even though I said she didn't have to and she could pawn it and keep the money. She didn't want to do that and gave it back to me. I think I will pawn it myself and give her the money since she has moved out of the house. She moved in with her brother and his partner, who was actually able to get her a job where he works and she is apparently starting next week. We will split our time with the kids since she said she was able to get shifts that align with my schedule (I have a pretty flexible schedule but I just prefer to work the same days/times every week) so we will trade off the kids when each of us is at work and we are going to split the weekends. We are going to get a custody agreement but we talked about it and agreed to 50/50 and we are both going to be cooperative as I don't want to stress her out and I do want to see my kids.
I will also be brushing up on Mexican culture so that I am able to participate in things with my children and I am looking to take some Spanish classes as well so I can communicate with them in both languages.
I showed my wife (editor's note- this is a mis-type by OOP) the last post the day after I made it and she read it over and read all my comments and a lot of the other comments. She took like two days to do this. Afterward, she said she wanted to talk and asked me if I was serious when I claimed that I thought she wanted to break up because of the one fight about the food. I said yes, because I was serious and did think that, and she said she couldn't believe me. I asked her to elaborate and she got very mad and asked me if I was really so oblivious to my own actions. I realized that I probably have been oblivious to my own actions, and that I've been selfish and she kind blew up and said something and asked me if I "needed a fucking list" so I could see all of the shit I've been doing. I told her I would appreciate if she could communicate some of the issues, and there was no need for a list but she said that a list would probably lessen the chances of me losing focus while she went on a rant (ouch, but deserved). We ended up having a long talk about it and she wanted me to include this in the post, so I will add it below:
(Note that these are just things that happened since the fight about the food)
-When one of her nieces had a quinceanera, I kept calling it a sweet sixteen. She said she explained to me multiple times that they were different, had different meanings, differed cultural significance, and had different practices. She said I still called it a sweet sixteen when I would talk to people about it or mention it. She said I also embarrassed her at the party because she felt that I was making fun of how her relatives were dancing.
-I (to this day) sometimes call her Spanish instead of Hispanic/Latina/Mexican. She said there is a big difference and me slipping up and forgetting is bs.
-When she was pregnant with the twins, I told her she could give them names that are pronounced in Spanish so that her non-English speaking family could say them easily and also since they are half Mexican. We agreed that she could, so long as I could choose which name was final. She said that I have not held up my end of the deal, and that when we were at Christmas with her family in December, I "obsessively" corrected her family members when they pronounced our daughter's name "Eh-leh-na" (Elena) and kept saying it "Uh-lay-nuh". According to her, I did this more than 6 times that night and she stopped keeping count.
-I didn't 'let' her feed our kids some Mexican stew she had made because it looked spicy (I genuinely thought it was). She said she told me she hadn't used spicy peppers, but that night I fed them something else before the soup was done and she said I disrespected her and her parenting skills.
-She feels like she is not allowed to listen to her music/any Spanish music because I will complain or change the song. She said she can only listen to her music when I am not home, otherwise I will always change it within a few seconds.
She said there were other smaller examples but these are the bigger ones that she had already mentioned/brought up before and nothing had changed. When I asked her why she stayed with me for so long or why she didn't mention these things more, she said that she's always had low self-esteem and she thought that I was a good person/partner other than these things so she always talked herself out of a break up, but she was just over it now.
The things she listed off really opened my eyes and made me realize how selfish and unaware I've been, and I know that I need to change. I apologized to her and I know it won't change her mind but that's okay, I just want her to know that I do regret my actions.
I'm not going to ignore her or grey rock her like some people were suggesting, as I want to remain amicable for our children. I want us to have good communication, as I don't want our kids to grow up with parents who hate each other and can't have a simple conversation. Thank you to everyone who left comments, especially the ones who were harsh.
(I also want to correct a typo in my last post where I said we were going to get married in Oct of 2023. It should have read Oct of 2022.)

Do NOT comment on OOP's posts or dm him. You will be banned from this sub and put this entire sub in jeopardy.

I am not OOP. The OOP is u/tabadmanners and u/ThrowRAbadmanners2 posting in AmItheAsshole and relationship_advice respectively
2 updates - medium
Content warning - racism, absentee parent
Original - 1st August 2022 on AmItheAsshole
Update 1 - 4th August 2022
Update 2 - 9th January 2024 on relationship_advice
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1 New Update
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Update 3 - 15th January 2024 on his user account
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AITA for demanding my fiancée stop teaching our kids bad manners?
​
Hi everyone, using a throwaway because I don’t want this on my main but I would like an outside opinion.
My fiancée “Lola” and I have been together for five years (engaged for a little over a year) and we have twins (boy and girl, 2.5). Our wedding is in two months.
Lola usually takes care of feeding the kids in the morning since I work early, and so I never noticed this until recently. I took a week vacation from work to just spend time at home with my kids and Lola and started to notice something that bothered me.
Lola has been teaching our kids bad table manners and sees nothing wrong with it. I hadn’t noticed this before, as they don’t eat this type of food for lunch/dinnesnacks or eat it all the time so I guess I just missed it as I wasn’t home or she fed them other things on the weekends.
This morning I was helping Lola make breakfast and then I got the kids ready while she brought their food out for them. As they were getting ready to eat, I noticed they didn’t have forks/spoons so I told Lola I would get them and she said there was “no need”.
I watched instead and she gave the kids tortillas that she ripped into pieces and they were using their bare hands to grab the food using the pieces of the tortilla. I asked her what she was doing and that she should be giving them utensils but she seemed shocked that I was concerned and said that’s how they always eat it.
I told her that she was teaching them bad manners and making them think it was okay to just grab food with their hands. She told me they do that anyway when they have chips or grapes or tacos and pizza and listed a bunch of other snacks and fast food you eat without utensils but I pointed out that those things are usually made to be eaten quickly or on the road (like fast food) so utensils aren’t needed.
She said I was being offensive by calling her way of eating gross and saying it was having bad manners, but I do think it’s gross to see someone grabbing at food with their bare hands like that. She said she grew up eating like that and would always use tortillas to eat things like eggs or meat/rice/beans and that it wasn’t gross because she always made the kids wash their hands before they ate.
I ended up giving my kids forks for them to eat which they didn’t want to use, which made me even more frustrated with her because now they’re used to this.
Lola has been really annoyed the rest of the day and wouldn’t let me help her with lunch, and earlier she was walking around the house speaking to someone (probably her sister) in spanish about me and i’m starting to feel a bit annoyed.
AITA?
EDIT: wow lots of replies quickly. They seem to be mixed so far but I will add in that the kids CAN use utensils and use them with foods like soups/pastas/etc, I just fear that allowing them to continue using their hands will make them used to it.
​
Verdict: YTA
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Update 1 - 3 days later
​
Hello (again). I’m hoping so follow all the rules so this doesn’t get deleted or anything but I wanted to post a quick update because I got a big fat reality check yesterday.
I admit that at first I was annoyed and defensive that everyone was ganging up on me and saying I was racist/an absent parent/ etc.
However, surprisingly enough, it was the comments who were trying to defend me and somewhat agreeing with me that ended up changing my mind. At first I was mainly focusing on the 2-3 comments in my defense but as I read more of them I started to realize that they WERE sounding racist/disrespectful and then I realized the rest of you were right, and that is what I sounded like in my post.
There were a few comments saying something like “In America that is not normal” but we are not in America and hearing people say that to me while defending me was shocking to say the least. I don’t want to be one of those people who goes around telling people that they need to speak a certain language or do a certain thing because of where they happen to be.
I showed my wife the post and she saw a lot of your disrespectful comments agreeing with me calling her way of eating unhygienic and she said they sounded like me which made me realize I was an asshole.
For those asking if I had never seen my wife eat like that: no i hadn’t and I asked her why she never did even though she said i she grew up doing it. She told me how a few months into our relationship I had made a comment about someone in a film being “poor and weird” for eating food with their hands. I do remember having said this and it is something that I should not have said. She said that is why she didn’t eat like that in front of me but she thought I wouldn’t mind if our kids did, as they are toddlers and toddlers regularly eat with their hands.
I am doing a lot of self reflection and have apologized deeply to my wife. She said she needs some time to think things through after seeing the post and my comments as well as everyone’s comments, which I fully respect.
Thanks everyone for your insight.
​
Update 2: 1 year later on relationship_advice
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Hi everyone. I've been with my fiancee "Lola" for almost 7 years now and we've been engaged for 2 of those years. We have twins together (M&F, 3) and I thought we were happy.
About a year ago we had a small fight/disagreement about how she was raising our kids, but after receiving some feedback from Reddit, I was able to see that I was in the wrong and I was being incredibly offensive toward my wife (this was on a different account that I lost the info for, but everyone was very helpful so thanks again). I apologized and she seemed to accept my apology, and I thought things were back to normal after all of that. She seemed to be her normal self again and we didn't argue/disagree about that topic anymore. In fact, we hadn't had even a minor disagreement for months after that. I thought we were happy.
Well, we were originally planning to get married last year (October of 2023) but she ended up changing her mind and saying she wanted to push back the wedding a bit. I was a bit confused and she wouldn't really elaborate on why, she just said it was stressful to plan a wedding with toddlers and she needed some time so I agreed.
Well, she just dropped a bomb on me out of nowhere a few days ago when she randomly stated that she doesn't think she wants to get married anymore. This was heartbreaking to hear, of course, and I asked that we sit and talk it out. She ended up telling me that she doesn't think we are compatible (after 7 years?) and that she thinks we should go our own ways and co-parent. I'm devastated.
I pressed for more information, like what made you realize this? And why now? And she basically said that she felt like I didn't really "know" her and that I didn't want to know her. I thought this was ridiculous! I know everything about her! I know her favorite color, movie, and song, I know her favorite food, I can read her body language extremely well! I DO know her, we've been together for years!
She said a few more things and apparently, she's been thinking over our relationship since that fight happened a year ago. She said it was "eye-opening" for her, and that when I let her see the post and she looked through all the comments, she realized things about me that she had swept under the rug for years and blown off as one-time issues. She went on a whole schpiel about all these things she had realized about me and how she didn't think we should be together anymore.
I don't even know what she means. I think I zoned out for most of her rant because I was so blindsided and hurt by this that I was trying not to break down in tears. I offered to go to couples counseling and individual counseling but she said it was too late and that I should have done that/offered that a year ago when this all blew up. I don't even know what to do now, and I think it's a bit unfair for her to put all of that on me. Just because I didn't think of therapy after a minor disagreement A YEAR AGO I'm no longer someone she wants to marry? Thats insane.
I don't know what to do. How can I get her to give me another chance to see that I still love her and we can make this work? What can I say to make her change her mind? I'm so lost and I don't know what to do.
EDIT: I think it might be a good idea to link the original post with the details of our disagreement as some people are asking for the details and accusing me of avoiding the question so the post can be found here
EDIT: I feel that you all have given me a lot to think about and reflect on. Thank you. I will no longer be replying to comments.
​
A few comments from OOP in his most recent update
"When we first began dating I did notice that there were a few differences in the way we did things and holidays. The main thing I noticed was that she celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve which was different for me since I always celebrated on the 25th. I vaguely remember asking her why she did it on that day instead of the actual day and she just told me "that's when we celebrate it" but I stupidly just thought she meant that her and her family chose to celebrate that day for some reason and didn't really press it since it worked out fine: we could be with her family when they celebrated and with mine on the actual day."
"I don't think you understood or read the last post I am talking about in this one. I'm not here to say that I was wrong and that I have the right to "teach the differently". There is nothing to teach them differently. The kids CAN and have been eating with utensils this whole time. The last issue was about them eating one type of food using a tortilla and their hands. My kids can use utensils and do use them. I was unaware and ignorant towards that part of her culture, and I learned my mistake and that one issue was solved. I also don't think that the issue was inconsequential as I WAS being racist, that is not inconsequential. I was being racist towards her and our children, and I get that and apologized. My point is not that I think she took a "minor" issue and blew it out of proportion. I am upset that she didn't mention these things that she wanted me to do that (apparently to learn more about her culture) and just expected me to do that myself without knowing."
"I don't mean that I needed her to tell me what to do but I just don't understand what people mean when they say I should have learned about it myself. Its not my culture and she didn't discuss it with me. I didn't even know I as being offensive in the argument we had. Am I just supposed to google "Is ____ offensive to ___ culture" for every action?"
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**New Update Starts Here*\*
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[UPDATE] My (M32) fiancee (F32) suddenly doesn't want to marry me anymore because of a disagreement we had a year ago. What now?
​
Hi everyone. This will likely be the last post I make about this situation as everything seems to be final now. This one is made with my ex's permission and she will read over it beforehand, as she thinks I am an unreliable narrator.
First of all, we have broken up. She gave me back the ring even though I said she didn't have to and she could pawn it and keep the money. She didn't want to do that and gave it back to me. I think I will pawn it myself and give her the money since she has moved out of the house.
She moved in with her brother and his partner, who was actually able to get her a job where he works and she is apparently starting next week. We will split our time with the kids since she said she was able to get shifts that align with my schedule (I have a pretty flexible schedule but I just prefer to work the same days/times every week) so we will trade off the kids when each of us is at work and we are going to split the weekends.
We are going to get a custody agreement but we talked about it and agreed to 50/50 and we are both going to be cooperative as I don't want to stress her out and I do want to see my kids.
I will also be brushing up on Mexican culture so that I am able to participate in things with my children and I am looking to take some Spanish classes as well so I can communicate with them in both languages.
I showed my wife the last post the day after I made it and she read it over and read all my comments and a lot of the other comments. She took like two days to do this. Afterward, she said she wanted to talk and asked me if I was serious when I claimed that I thought she wanted to break up because of the one fight about the food.
I said yes, because I was serious and did think that, and she said she couldn't believe me. I asked her to elaborate and she got very mad and asked me if I was really so oblivious to my own actions. I realized that I probably have been oblivious to my own actions, and that I've been selfish and she kind blew up and said something and asked me if I "needed a fucking list" so I could see all of the shit I've been doing.
I told her I would appreciate if she could communicate some of the issues, and there was no need for a list but she said that a list would probably lessen the chances of me losing focus while she went on a rant (ouch, but deserved). We ended up having a long talk about it and she wanted me to include this in the post, so I will add it below:
(Note that these are just things that happened since the fight about the food)
​

• When one of her nieces had a quinceanera, I kept calling it a sweet sixteen. She said she explained to me multiple times that they were different, had different meanings, differed cultural significance, and had different practices. She said I still called it a sweet sixteen when I would talk to people about it or mention it. She said I also embarrassed her at the party because she felt that I was making fun of how her relatives were dancing.
• I (to this day) sometimes call her Spanish instead of Hispanic/Latina/Mexican. She said there is a big difference and me slipping up and forgetting is bs.
• When she was pregnant with the twins, I told her she could give them names that are pronounced in Spanish so that her non-English speaking family could say them easily and also since they are half Mexican. We agreed that she could, so long as I could choose which name was final. She said that I have not held up my end of the deal, and that when we were at Christmas with her family in December, I "obsessively" corrected her family members when they pronounced our daughter's name "Eh-leh-na" (Elena) and kept saying it "Uh-lay-nuh". According to her, I did this more than 6 times that night and she stopped keeping count.
• I didn't 'let' her feed our kids some Mexican stew she had made because it looked spicy (I genuinely thought it was). She said she told me she hadn't used spicy peppers, but that night I fed them something else before the soup was done and she said I disrespected her and her parenting skills.
• She feels like she is not allowed to listen to her music/any Spanish music because I will complain or change the song. She said she can only listen to her music when I am not home, otherwise I will always change it within a few seconds.

​
She said there were other smaller examples but these are the bigger ones that she had already mentioned/brought up before and nothing had changed. When I asked her why she stayed with me for so long or why she didn't mention these things more, she said that she's always had low self-esteem and she thought that I was a good person/partner other than these things so she always talked herself out of a break up, but she was just over it now.
The things she listed off really opened my eyes and made me realize how selfish and unaware I've been, and I know that I need to change. I apologized to her and I know it won't change her mind but that's okay, I just want her to know that I do regret my actions.
I'm not going to ignore her or grey rock her like some people were suggesting, as I want to remain amicable for our children. I want us to have good communication, as I don't want our kids to grow up with parents who hate each other and can't have a simple conversation. Thank you to everyone who left comments, especially the ones who were harsh.
(I also want to correct a typo in my last post where I said we were going to get married in Oct of 2023. It should have read Oct of 2022.)
​
Comments
​
MyUsernameIsMehh
That's a lot of words for "I'm racist and treated my partner like shit"
​
catanddog5
Dude, you keep going on about how selfish you are (which yes you are selfish) but you haven’t once addressed the fact that a lot of the shit you pulled is also RACIST. You claim now you will be doing better for your kids sake but why now? Why not when your ex was first pregnant? Or even earlier? It’s obvious she had tried to communicate with you about this. You had years to address this but didn’t. Now it’s too late, I don’t believe that you are serious about this change.
You seem more upset that she had enough of your racist selfish ass than actually losing her. Do you really care for her at all? You claimed last post that you knew her but your actions clearly show otherwise. She can’t even listen to music that she likes without you complaining or changing? You don’t know the difference between a sweet 16 and a quincena? Or the fact that she is hispanic, not Spanish. ( which are not the same thing)
If you don’t address your racism you will hurt your kids. You will pull the same stunts and it’ll cause you to lose your kids too. Why did it take the internet(not just once either but multiple times!) for you to believe that you could be wrong when she clearly has told you what was wrong for years! You definitely don’t respect her or her family or her culture. Is it really that surprising that she is done with you?
​
layla_gamer14

I will also be brushing up on Mexican culture so that I am able to participate in things with my children and I am looking to take some Spanish classes as well so I can communicate with them in both languages.

What the hell man?! Why did you not do that before for your then girlfriend's sake?! That's the bare minimum and even when you HAD KIDS you didn't see the need to learn the language they would be communicating in?! Wow I'm just astounded at the sheer oblivious behaviour not to mention the things further down the post. It is your responsibility as a parent to connect with your children and their family/your exs family and culture for heaven sakes.
​
I am not OOP. Please do not harass OOP

I am having some issues posting this update so I’ve posted this to my profile instead. Not sure if anyone will see this.
Original: https://www.reddit.com/relationship_advice/comments/192jgcn/my_m32_fiancee_f32_suddenly_doesnt_want_to_marry/
Hi everyone. This will likely be the last post I make about this situation as everything seems to be final now. This one is made with my ex's permission and she will read over it beforehand, as she thinks I am an unreliable narrator.
First of all, we have broken up. She gave me back the ring even though I said she didn't have to and she could pawn it and keep the money. She didn't want to do that and gave it back to me. I think I will pawn it myself and give her the money since she has moved out of the house. She moved in with her brother and his partner, who was actually able to get her a job where he works and she is apparently starting next week. We will split our time with the kids since she said she was able to get shifts that align with my schedule (I have a pretty flexible schedule but I just prefer to work the same days/times every week) so we will trade off the kids when each of us is at work and we are going to split the weekends. We are going to get a custody agreement but we talked about it and agreed to 50/50 and we are both going to be cooperative as I don't want to stress her out and I do want to see my kids.
I will also be brushing up on Mexican culture so that I am able to participate in things with my children and I am looking to take some Spanish classes as well so I can communicate with them in both languages.
I showed my wife the last post the day after I made it and she read it over and read all my comments and a lot of the other comments. She took like two days to do this. Afterward, she said she wanted to talk and asked me if I was serious when I claimed that I thought she wanted to break up because of the one fight about the food. I said yes, because I was serious and did think that, and she said she couldn't believe me. I asked her to elaborate and she got very mad and asked me if I was really so oblivious to my own actions. I realized that I probably have been oblivious to my own actions, and that I've been selfish and she kind blew up and said something and asked me if I "needed a fucking list" so I could see all of the shit I've been doing. I told her I would appreciate if she could communicate some of the issues, and there was no need for a list but she said that a list would probably lessen the chances of me losing focus while she went on a rant (ouch, but deserved). We ended up having a long talk about it and she wanted me to include this in the post, so I will add it below:
(Note that these are just things that happened since the fight about the food)
-When one of her nieces had a quinceanera, I kept calling it a sweet sixteen. She said she explained to me multiple times that they were different, had different meanings, differed cultural significance, and had different practices. She said I still called it a sweet sixteen when I would talk to people about it or mention it. She said I also embarrassed her at the party because she felt that I was making fun of how her relatives were dancing.
-I (to this day) sometimes call her Spanish instead of Hispanic/Latina/Mexican. She said there is a big difference and me slipping up and forgetting is bs.
-When she was pregnant with the twins, I told her she could give them names that are pronounced in Spanish so that her non-English speaking family could say them easily and also since they are half Mexican. We agreed that she could, so long as I could choose which name was final. She said that I have not held up my end of the deal, and that when we were at Christmas with her family in December, I "obsessively" corrected her family members when they pronounced our daughter's name "Eh-leh-na" (Elena) and kept saying it "Uh-lay-nuh". According to her, I did this more than 6 times that night and she stopped keeping count.
-I didn't 'let' her feed our kids some Mexican stew she had made because it looked spicy (I genuinely thought it was). She said she told me she hadn't used spicy peppers, but that night I fed them something else before the soup was done and she said I disrespected her and her parenting skills.
-She feels like she is not allowed to listen to her music/any Spanish music because I will complain or change the song. She said she can only listen to her music when I am not home, otherwise I will always change it within a few seconds.
She said there were other smaller examples but these are the bigger ones that she had already mentioned/brought up before and nothing had changed. When I asked her why she stayed with me for so long or why she didn't mention these things more, she said that she's always had low self-esteem and she thought that I was a good person/partner other than these things so she always talked herself out of a break up, but she was just over it now.
The things she listed off really opened my eyes and made me realize how selfish and unaware I've been, and I know that I need to change. I apologized to her and I know it won't change her mind but that's okay, I just want her to know that I do regret my actions.
I'm not going to ignore her or grey rock her like some people were suggesting, as I want to remain amicable for our children. I want us to have good communication, as I don't want our kids to grow up with parents who hate each other and can't have a simple conversation. Thank you to everyone who left comments, especially the ones who were harsh.
(I also want to correct a typo in my last post where I said we were going to get married in Oct of 2023. It should have read Oct of 2022.)

I am trying to post this again as it did not go through the first time.
​
Original: https://www.reddit.com/relationship_advice/comments/192jgcn/my_m32_fiancee_f32_suddenly_doesnt_want_to_marry/Hi everyone. This will likely be the last post I make about this situation as everything seems to be final now. This one is made with my ex's permission and she will read over it beforehand, as she thinks I am an unreliable narrator. She said it was only fair that she get to look it over and tell me things I need to add/change, so here we go.
First of all, we are broken up. She gave me back the ring even though I said she didn't have to and she could pawn it and keep the money. She didn't want to do that and gave it back to me. I think I will pawn it myself and give her the money since she has moved out of the house. She moved in with her brother and his partner, who was actually able to get her a job where he works and she is apparently starting next week. We will split our time with the kids since she said she was able to get shifts that align with my schedule (I have a pretty flexible schedule but I just prefer to work the same days/times every week) so we will trade off the kids when each of us is at work and we are going to split the weekends. We are going to get a custody agreement but we talked about it and agreed to 50/50 and we are both going to be cooperative as I don't want to stress her out and I do want to see my kids.
I will also be brushing up on Mexican culture so that I am able to participate in things with my children and I am looking to take some Spanish classes as well so I can communicate with them in both languages.
I showed my wife the last post the day after I made it and she read it over and read all my comments and a lot of the other comments. She took like two days to do this. Afterward, she said she wanted to talk and asked me if I was serious when I claimed that I thought she wanted to break up because of the one fight about the food. I said yes, because I was serious and did think that, and she said she couldn't believe me. I asked her to elaborate and she got very mad and asked me if I was really so oblivious to my own actions. I realized that I probably have been oblivious to my own actions, and that I've been selfish and she kind blew up and said something and asked me if I "needed a fucking list" so I could see all of the shit I've been doing. I told her I would appreciate if she could communicate some of the issues, and there was no need for a list but she said that a list would probably lessen the chances of me losing focus while she went on a rant (ouch, but deserved). We ended up having a long talk about it and she wanted me to include this in the post, so I will add it below:
(Note that these are just things that happened since the fight about the food)
-When one of her nieces had a quinceanera, I kept calling it a sweet sixteen. She said she explained to me multiple times that they were different, had different meanings, differed cultural significance, and had different practices. She said I still called it a sweet sixteen when I would talk to people about it or mention it. She said I also embarrassed her at the party because she felt that I was making fun of how her relatives were dancing.
-When she was pregnant with the twins, I told her she could give them names that are pronounced in Spanish so that her non-English speaking family could say them easily and also since they are half Mexican. We agreed that she could, so long as I could choose which name was final. She said that I have not held up my end of the deal, and that when we were at Christmas with her family in December, I "obsessively" corrected her family members when they pronounced our daughter's name "Eh-leh-na" (Elena) and kept saying it "Uh-lay-nuh". According to her, I did this more than 6 times that night and she stopped keeping count.
-I didn't 'let' her feed our kids some Mexican stew she had made because it looked spicy (I genuinely thought it was). She said she told me she hadn't used spicy peppers, but that night I fed them something else before the soup was done and she said I disrespected her and her parenting skills.
-She feels like she is not allowed to listen to her music/any Spanish music because I will complain or change the song. She said she can only listen to her music when I am not home, otherwise I will always change it within a few seconds.
She said there were other smaller examples but these are the bigger ones that she had already mentioned/brought up before and nothing had changed. When I asked her why she stayed with me for so long or why she didn't mention these things more, she said that she's always had low self-esteem and she thought that I was a good person/partner other than these things so she always talked herself out of a break up, but she was just over it now.
The things she listed off really opened my eyes and made me realize how selfish and unaware I've been, and I know that I need to change. I apologized to her and I know it won't change her mind but that's okay, I just want her to know that I do regret my actions.
I'm not going to ignore her or grey rock her like some people were suggesting, as I want to remain amicable for our children. I want us to have good communication, as I don't want our kids to grow up with parents who hate each other and can't have a simple conversation. Thank you to everyone who left comments, especially the ones who were harsh.
(I also want to correct a typo in my last post where I said we were going to get married in Oct of 2023. It should have read Oct of 2022.)

Let me explain. Every day on FBM and private groups in my area I see listings for wedding gowns, quinceanera dresses, prom dresses, etc, that have been drastically, pathetically reduced to 1/10 of retail and still not moving.
Often in my area, it goes something like this:
Week One: Wedding Dress paid $1600 Wore for 2 hours. Designed by XXX. Cleaned.
Asking: $500.
$350
$100
And I am not even exaggerating.
​
​

Hi everyone. I've been with my fiancee "Lola" for almost 7 years now and we've been engaged for 2 of those years. We have twins together (M&F, 3) and I thought we were happy.
About a year ago we had a small fight/disagreement about how she was raising our kids, but after receiving some feedback from Reddit, I was able to see that I was in the wrong and I was being incredibly offensive toward my wife (this was on a different account that I lost the info for, but everyone was very helpful so thanks again). I apologized and she seemed to accept my apology, and I thought things were back to normal after all of that. She seemed to be her normal self again and we didn't argue/disagree about that topic anymore. In fact, we hadn't had even a minor disagreement for months after that. I thought we were happy.
Well, we were originally planning to get married last year (October of 2023) but she ended up changing her mind and saying she wanted to push back the wedding a bit. I was a bit confused and she wouldn't really elaborate on why, she just said it was stressful to plan a wedding with toddlers and she needed some time so I agreed.
Well, she just dropped a bomb on me out of nowhere a few days ago when she randomly stated that she doesn't think she wants to get married anymore. This was heartbreaking to hear, of course, and I asked that we sit and talk it out. She ended up telling me that she doesn't think we are compatible (after 7 years?) and that she thinks we should go our own ways and co-parent. I'm devastated. I pressed for more information, like what made you realize this? And why now? And she basically said that she felt like I didn't really "know" her and that I didn't want to know her. I thought this was ridiculous! I know everything about her! I know her favorite color, movie, and song, I know her favorite food, I can read her body language extremely well! I DO know her, we've been together for years! She said a few more things and apparently, she's been thinking over our relationship since that fight happened a year ago. She said it was "eye-opening" for her, and that when I let her see the post and she looked through all the comments, she realized things about me that she had swept under the rug for years and blown off as one-time issues. She went on a whole schpiel about all these things she had realized about me and how she didn't think we should be together anymore.
I don't even know what she means. I think I zoned out for most of her rant because I was so blindsided and hurt by this that I was trying not to break down in tears. I offered to go to couples counseling and individual counseling but she said it was too late and that I should have done that/offered that a year ago when this all blew up. I don't even know what to do now, and I think it's a bit unfair for her to put all of that on me. Just because I didn't think of therapy after a minor disagreement A YEAR AGO I'm no longer someone she wants to marry? Thats insane.
I don't know what to do. How can I get her to give me another chance to see that I still love her and we can make this work? What can I say to make her change her mind? I'm so lost and I don't know what to do.
EDIT: I think it might be a good idea to link the original post with the details of our disagreement as some people are asking for the details and accusing me of avoiding the question so the post can be found here
EDIT: I feel that you all have given me a lot to think about and reflect on. Thank you. I will no longer be replying to comments.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
UPDATE: (I tried to make this a new post but I couldn't get it to show up, so I think I might be doing something wrong.) Hi everyone. This will likely be the last post I make about this situation as everything seems to be final now. This one is made with my ex's permission and she will read over it beforehand, as she thinks I am an unreliable narrator.
First of all, we have broken up. She gave me back the ring even though I said she didn't have to and she could pawn it and keep the money. She didn't want to do that and gave it back to me. I think I will pawn it myself and give her the money since she has moved out of the house. She moved in with her brother and his partner, who was actually able to get her a job where he works and she is apparently starting next week. We will split our time with the kids since she said she was able to get shifts that align with my schedule (I have a pretty flexible schedule but I just prefer to work the same days/times every week) so we will trade off the kids when each of us is at work and we are going to split the weekends. We are going to get a custody agreement but we talked about it and agreed to 50/50 and we are both going to be cooperative as I don't want to stress her out and I do want to see my kids.I will also be brushing up on Mexican culture so that I am able to participate in things with my children and I am looking to take some Spanish classes as well so I can communicate with them in both languages.
I showed my wife the last post the day after I made it and she read it over and read all my comments and a lot of the other comments. She took like two days to do this. Afterward, she said she wanted to talk and asked me if I was serious when I claimed that I thought she wanted to break up because of the one fight about the food. I said yes, because I was serious and did think that, and she said she couldn't believe me. I asked her to elaborate and she got very mad and asked me if I was really so oblivious to my own actions. I realized that I probably have been oblivious to my own actions, and that I've been selfish and she kind blew up and said something and asked me if I "needed a fucking list" so I could see all of the shit I've been doing. I told her I would appreciate if she could communicate some of the issues, and there was no need for a list but she said that a list would probably lessen the chances of me losing focus while she went on a rant (ouch, but deserved). We ended up having a long talk about it and she wanted me to include this in the post, so I will add it below:
(Note that these are just things that happened since the fight about the food)
-When one of her nieces had a quinceanera, I kept calling it a sweet sixteen. She said she explained to me multiple times that they were different, had different meanings, differed cultural significance, and had different practices. She said I still called it a sweet sixteen when I would talk to people about it or mention it. She said I also embarrassed her at the party because she felt that I was making fun of how her relatives were dancing.
-I (to this day) sometimes call her Spanish instead of Hispanic/Latina/Mexican. She said there is a big difference and me slipping up and forgetting is bs.
-When she was pregnant with the twins, I told her she could give them names that are pronounced in Spanish so that her non-English speaking family could say them easily and also since they are half Mexican. We agreed that she could, so long as I could choose which name was final. She said that I have not held up my end of the deal, and that when we were at Christmas with her family in December, I "obsessively" corrected her family members when they pronounced our daughter's name "Eh-leh-na" (Elena) and kept saying it "Uh-lay-nuh". According to her, I did this more than 6 times that night and she stopped keeping count.
-I didn't 'let' her feed our kids some Mexican stew she had made because it looked spicy (I genuinely thought it was). She said she told me she hadn't used spicy peppers, but that night I fed them something else before the soup was done and she said I disrespected her and her parenting skills.
-She feels like she is not allowed to listen to her music/any Spanish music because I will complain or change the song. She said she can only listen to her music when I am not home, otherwise I will always change it within a few seconds.
She said there were other smaller examples but these are the bigger ones that she had already mentioned/brought up before and nothing had changed. When I asked her why she stayed with me for so long or why she didn't mention these things more, she said that she's always had low self-esteem and she thought that I was a good person/partner other than these things so she always talked herself out of a break up, but she was just over it now.
The things she listed off really opened my eyes and made me realize how selfish and unaware I've been, and I know that I need to change. I apologized to her and I know it won't change her mind but that's okay, I just want her to know that I do regret my actions.
I'm not going to ignore her or grey rock her like some people were suggesting, as I want to remain amicable for our children. I want us to have good communication, as I don't want our kids to grow up with parents who hate each other and can't have a simple conversation. Thank you to everyone who left comments, especially the ones who were harsh. (I also want to correct a typo in my last post where I said we were going to get married in Oct of 2023. It should have read Oct of 2022.)

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My mom just bought a house a few months ago and we have almost completely moved in and now she’s been under a lot of stress and she also quit her job so now we are just running on some child support from my dad (which isn’t much) very often lashes out and yells at me about stuff I didn’t do or just because she needs someone to be mad at. she tells me how unhelpful I am around the house and gives me a long list of chores to do which I do. but I’ve been wanting to set up her a surprise party so I can help her out mentally so I contacted her mom, my grandma and her dad and my grandpa and the weekend it’s going to be happens to be the same day as my grandpa‘s actual birthday so it was gonna be a double surprise party. I contacted my mom‘s friends and some of our family and all of them can meet at the house at the same time whenever my mom isn’t home this has been planned. I’ve been talking about it for months to my family. My mom hasn’t caught on, but I also made plans to go see the five nights at Freddy’s movie on Friday and my best friend has her quinceanera which I was going to be a part of the pictures in my mom wants to see my grandpa for his birthday and they live four hours away so if we go there, she said, I would have to miss my friends quinceanera, and the movies that I pre-ordered she was snapping at me and it really stressed me out and I didn’t know what to do. I messaged her friend that knew about it and asked and I messaged her mom and that knew about it and asked I feel like things aren’t gonna work out and everything that I went through for this is just gonna be a total bust, should I have just come clean and said I wanted to throw a party for her?

My boyfriend of seven years and I are finally officially planning our wedding. Although we aren't engaged yet, we want to plan in advance especially considering the costs. He did mention that he would propose on our 10th year, so we are building up our funds currently. For now, we are still looking for venues, photographers and videographers, mariachi and bandas, catering, and everything in between. This post is also to help me write things out to see how much more planning we have to do. Here's what we've talked about so far:
​

• Guest List - Our current guest count was bigger than we thought it was, around 81, 104 for wiggle room in case some people bring plus ones. Most of our guests will be family and the rest are friends from college and high school who have been waiting for this moment. We might add more people in the future but I would rather have a "small" intimate wedding with close ones we still talk to. is 100 people considered a lot?
• Wedding Venue - Our dream is to live in a novela on our wedding day. We want to have a venue either at a ranch/farm or somewhere that has a barn-style venue. We live in Georgia so it may not be hard, but it'll be hard in the Atlanta area. If anyone has any recommendations let me know. We have no budget yet so we may be flexible once we save up. We want to have hotels or accommodation nearby since most of his family is traveling from out of state and some of our friends live a couple hours away. Hopefully, we find one where we can stay late, like maybe 2 in the morning, and have alcohol. Are there venues that actually allow you to stay that late?
• Rings - He got me a ring for my 15 / Quinceanera, and I absolutely love it. It's a white center stone in the middle with two sapphires (my birthstone) as side stones. In the middle where the gallery is, there's a heart. The tiny details are what I love about it and he wants to get a similar ring for me. He is very adamant about spending money on diamonds. Although I appreciate the gesture, I really encourage him to spend it on a moissanite instead. Even though he tells me no, I'll let it slide as long as he's sure about it. I believe his budget is around 2-2.5k. I showed him my pinterest board on what style and shape rings I'm into, and he has a very good grasp on that. I also plan to surprise him with his wedding band so hopefully, it's something he'll love.
• Dress and Suit - I plan on having something flowy with Mexican embroidery. I don't plan on getting a ballgown or mermaid silhouette. I'll probably have to get one custom-made if I don't find one to my liking. I'm not sure if It'll be sleeveless or not, I'm very self-conscious of my underarms and my arms in general. My boyfriend might want to go as a charro or I'll also suggest a nice suit with embroidery to match so he can wear a cowboy hat and boots. Or he could change at the venue into the suit now that I think about it.
• Padrinos - We don't have a set list of who would be padrinos for what, but we're fairly certain some of our family members are more than willing to help out with things.
• Music - I'm certain my side of the family will be expecting a mariachi, so with every party and Mexican restaurant I go to, I go mainly to see how the mariachi plays. So far I have one in mind and even got their business card. If we do have a cocktail hour, I'm making a playlist on my Spotify which I currently use to study. It's mainly going to be used as background noise as family mingles and settles in. We're still not sure if we'll be going out and getting a banda, but if we do, we're looking. As for DJs, we're not sure where to start other than going to family parties to see them live. So far we've had misses.
• Catering - We of course want to have our delicious Mexican food for everyone to enjoy. We are just not sure if we want to have a big budget for catering and offer a buffet, hire a taco stand, or make the food ourselves. It'll be a lot if we did it ourselves and I want my family to enjoy the days leading up to it and not be stressed if we made enough or if they get fatigued from making so many batches of food. I also want to have an antojitos station for small snacks and fruit cups for in-between cocktail hour, food, and cake.
• Decoration - I plan on DIYing as much as I can, even the centerpieces. I love being crafty, so the majority of the decorations I have in mind can be DIYed and done in advance in the next 2-3 years. I plan on having custom-made papel picado from a Mexican vendor as well as Talavera flower vases from a Mexican pottery shop for centerpieces. And yes, I do plan on letting guests take the centerpieces lol.
• Wedding cake - we're not too sure about wedding cake, but we are looking forward to sampling and rating the cake flavors together when the time comes.
• Video/Photographer - There's a videographer who does stunning movie-like productions based in Texas but I'm wondering if that's too extra for our size of a wedding. Usually, when we hire photographers, such as in my 15era, it was kind of mediocre I would have rather have a friend take the photos and I'll edit them myself.

If there's anything I missed or any suggestions please let me know, I want to be super prepared and make sure we save up enough money. Things could change in the next 2 years so I would rather be safe than sorry. Also, does anyone know about how much I should expect to spend on a wedding this size with everything I just mentioned? I want to be realistic and see if we can afford it or stick with a backyard wedding at my future in-laws' house.

I am not OOP. Please do not harass OOP.
Originally posted in redditonwiki by u/Viri-withaV
1 Update - Medium
Links:
Original - Sept. 5, 2023
Update - Sept 6, 2023 (1 Day Later)
…

Original - Sept. 5, 2023

AITA for giving preference to MY OWN wedding and not to a quinceanera party?
Please don’t t mentioned my name if this goes on the podcast.
Background: My Boyfriend (30M) and I (30F) have been together for 10 years and finally last May he proposed. His family loves me very much and I adore them too... BUT I am aware that they are not the perfect family and that, like everyone else, they have defects. They are super "authoritarian"(?) I guess is the right word. They are the type of people that are used to a "what I say goes" type of lifestyle and they are super dependent of each other (a codependent family relationship). They are very traditionalists regarding family: Family must be top priority, you always have to look out for your family" and so on.
So, after a lot of planning and thinking, my fiancé and I decided that our wedding will be in November 2024. We decided to tell his family because I was very excited and my sisters in law (25F, 28F) replied: “Oh, sounds great. Just keep in mind that Jessica turns 15 in that month and she MIGHT have a quinceañera (in another state) so talk to your uncle so you can both work out the dates.
Context: This uncle is my father in law’s little brother. He moved to another state about 6 years ago and it was devastating for my fiancé’s family. They’ve always had a great relationship and his daughter Jessica is the youngest grandchild in the family. My fiancé is the oldest and first one to get married.
On with the story. I felt extremely upset because I felt they gave preference to their cousin’s Quinceañera over their own brother’s wedding but I let it slide. After we found our perfect venue, I spoke to my fiancé about how I felt with his sisters comments and he said not to worry, that our priority is our wedding. Trying to be kind and thoughtful I gave the whole situation a chance and spoke to my fiancé’s uncle and worked everything out. My fiancé spoke to his sisters, with me present, and told them that if the only date available in the venue was the same date as the quinceañera we would not change our date. My sisters in law questioned why we wanted to get married in November, starting to suggesting we marry in October, December or January (2025). We immediately disregarded their options. The youngest (25F) asked to think about the family, that they would be on a tight budget due to the quienceanera, the flights and hotel. My fiancé asked the to keep in mind our wedding is in the city where we live, no expenses would be necessary. She immediately snapped and said “So you gonna pay for my dress? My shoes? My makeup?” Thats when I intervened and said “That’s why you have more than a year to save up the money”.
Its been a couple of weeks and Im still very angry for her comments. The relationship kinda fractured but the planning is still in its begging phase and I dont know how to address the situation. So, I’m I the asshole?
​
Verdict: Mostly YTA in the original post
Relevant Comments:
Bruh her quince‘s date is fixed since her birth. YOU have the option to change the date of your big day. - Sadnly
​
I can't imagine a valid reason for why your wedding absolutely has to be in November 2024 despite knowing that it coincides with a major family event for your fiancé. Arguing about which event "should be given priority" is irrelevant. A wedding that you've barely started planning can easily be rescheduled, a quinceañera can't, and the date has been set for years. Honestly, it sounds like you're the one who who's "used to a "what I say goes" type of lifestyle" and you're trying to pull some weird power move on your future in-laws. Is this really the tone you want to set for your relationship with them once you join the family? - maddallena
...

Update - Sept 6, 2023 (1 Day Later)

Hello everyone
First of all thank you for your comments and interest. This post was meant to be an eyeopener because I truly wanted to know if I was in the wrong. I have talked about this with my friends and family and they all support my decisions but I wanted to have a unbiased opinion. This post wasn't a cry for validation as some mentioned that I -could either have everyone agree with me and get my validation, or they could disagree with me and I wouldn’t change a thing. Since this is the redditonwiki podcast reddit I truly thought I would get advise and comments from open minded and respectful listeners of the podcast and not the "I hope no one attends your wedding'' and "I hope your marriage fails" comments I have been receiving.
I cant respond all the comments but I'll sum up my answers in this comment and will review new comments tomorrow.
My fiancé and I have been together for over 10 and a half years and have wanted to get married since year 1 so we have had this dream for a long time. But do to our careers, lacking the budget and wanting to have financial stability before engaging this big money wise commitment we wanted to wait until we had our own house, car and stability to finally get married.
When my sister in law said that we should speak with their uncle and work out the dates I got upset but I knew I was in the wrong and that's why I let it slide. After that we eventually did speak to said uncle and he said they were not planning for a quinceañera, to do what we like. Not all Mexicans think a quinceanera is a BIG thing. This family does not think its a big thing UNLESS you do decide you will celebrate it. I am also mexican. Born, raised and living in Mexico. An analogy to put you in perspective, Quinceaneras can be like 5 de Mayo. Mexicans in Mexico do NOT celebrate 5 de Mayo. It is marked as a Holiday and there is no school for kids from 1st to 6th grade but everyone else lives their normal life in that day. As for in the states, Mexican-americans do because it's a way to feel close to their roots. For quinceaneras it's the same. Quinceaneras are a bigger thing in the states than in Mexico. This is an old beautiful tradition we sometimes still have but not all girls. Moving on, yes they will have a quinceanera after all and they decided that 2 weeks after we asked the uncle so no.. they have not been planning this for years.
I also asked about the budget situation for everybody in case they did have a quinceanera because everyone would have to fly out and pay for their hotel but he said that if our wedding is in our home town the expenses for our wedding guests would be minimum, in all case we are the parties that will have big expenses on our hands. That kept me thinking that we will not have any dress code requirements for our wedding, gifts are not mandatory (we already live together and have all we need so there is no wedding wish list (this is a custom in our culture) that guests can choose from to buy for us). We will be paying for our wedding only with our own money to not be a burden for anyone and for our friends and family only to attend and enjoy. There will be no bridal party, no bachelorette party, no additional costs that we will force ANY guest to make. No matching dresses, no matching make up.
Regarding the date selection. Wedding season is from October to December I live in Mexico not the states. Why? because of climate. Its usually rainy before that. Why November? Because October and December are already booked. Why not next year? We cannot afford the wedding before November because we still don't have the money, and by 2025 the rates go up at least 15% Why that venue? We have seen at least 10 different places for the last 3 months and this is the one we can pay for. Getting married in the city is expensive and our families are big so we want to invite everyone because I know it is important for them and also to us. I'm having 75 guests and he is having 125 so yes I do care and respect his family and want them to be with us in our big day.
When we were told by the venue that November was the only month available for our wedding we called his uncle again to tell him that the wedding would be in November and that's when he said that they will be celebrating the quinceañera on the 16 or 23 Actually her birthday is on the 16th and he said that if it was not on that date it would be a week before or a week after. After knowing this is when the whole conversation with my sisters in law happened. I do admit we shouldn't have been so forward and said that we wouldn't change our date but in all honesty, as the AH, that was a reality for us. Because their date was not fixed. I would not deliberately choose the same date as her quinces or wait until they decided on a date to pick the same one like i read in a comment. I asked for their options, had an answer, went back to the venue and chose November 9th.
About the power move. Your right. The comment about his family being the "what we say goes" type is true so me being nasty in that moment was the only way I could try to give them a "taste of their own medicine" and I truly repent that action on my side. But as I already said about them, I am also human and have defects. I was petty, I know. But again, I am not perfect. Someone suggested to look up enmeshment and that immediately clicked. Yes, in Mexico we have a family oriented culture and that is what is happening with the extended family but my in laws take it to far. They have to decide where to go when we ALL go eat together as a Family. They have to decide where we go on the next family vacation. They always question me and my fiancés decisions, home wise, work wise, academic wise, money choices, how we make our food, how we treat our pets, everything. So yes, I was immature and wanted to have my way on the only thing they couldn't have a say in.
And last but not least. I really think you all went directly to think I hate the little cousin for being born and being inconvenient for me but that was not the case at all. I am definitely not mad or annoyed or pissed at a 13 year old or her parents. My frustration is with my sister in law and her comments regarding the money she would have to spend for her brothers wedding. And the reason I posted in the first place was: ''It's been a couple of weeks and Im still very angry for her comments. The relationship kinda fractured but the planning is still in its begging phase and I dont know how to address the situation?'' With my in laws regarding the complaints about having to spend money on our wedding that will be in 14 months.
Thanks again for the comments.
​
Relevant Comments:
Based on this update- NTA. You are trying to do the right thing and work around the quince. Uncle still has 3 more weeks in November that they can have the quince. If they really wanted to work civilly on making sure the dates don’t overlap, then they would have nailed down the date ASAP. Instead, it sounds like they are trying to call dibs on all of November and take their sweetass time in nailing down the date. They need to respect your scheduling timeline too. You are trying to work with them and it sounds like they aren’t making it easy. If i was uncle, i’d be thankful that you were being forthcoming about the date and even trying to avoid an overlap in the first place. You took proactive steps to avoid any overlap. They need to chill out.
And if anyone gives a fuck- i am also Mexican. Specifically, Mexican American and only a minority of Mexican women i know had a quince. Ya, it can be important to people, but they don’t get to ban people from having any other events in the entire month of the quince and it isnt an excuse to take their time in nailing down a date when they know other people have shit to plan too. - LAthrowaway_25lata
…
​
Marked as Ongoing: Conflict hasn't been resolved yet
​
I am not OOP. Please do not harass OOP.

https://www.reddit.com/redditonwiki/comments/16ayip2/aita_for_giving_preference_to_my_own_wedding_and/This is a comment I wrote yesterday on my original post but now I'm posting it as an update with some edits in italica to clarify some doubts you´ve all had.
Hello everyone
First of all thank you for your comments and interest. This post was meant to be an eyeopener because I truly wanted to know if I was in the wrong. I have talked about this with my friends and family and they all support my decisions but I wanted to have a unbiased opinion. This post wasn't a cry for validation as some mentioned that I -could either have everyone agree with me and get my validation, or they could disagree with me and I wouldn’t change a thing. Since this is the redditonwiki podcast reddit I truly thought I would get advise and comments from open minded and respectful listeners of the podcast and not the "I hope no one attends your wedding'' and "I hope your marriage fails" comments I have been receiving.
I cant respond all the comments but I'll sum up my answers in this comment and will review new comments tomorrow.
My fiancé and I have been together for over 10 and a half years and have wanted to get married since year 1 so we have had this dream for a long time. But do to our careers, lacking the budget and wanting to have financial stability before engaging this big money wise commitment we wanted to wait until we had our own house, car and stability to finally get married.
When my sister in law said that we should speak with their uncle and work out the dates I got upset but I knew I was in the wrong and that's why I let it slide. After that we eventually did speak to said uncle and he said they were not planning for a quinceañera, to do what we like. Not all Mexicans think a quinceanera is a BIG thing. This family does not think its a big thing UNLESS you do decide you will celebrate it. I am also mexican. Born, raised and living in Mexico. An analogy to put you in perspective, Quinceaneras can be like 5 de Mayo. Mexicans in Mexico do NOT celebrate 5 de Mayo. It is marked as a Holiday and there is no school for kids from 1st to 6th grade but everyone else lives their normal life in that day. As for in the states, Mexican-americans do because it's a way to feel close to their roots. For quinceaneras it's the same. Quinceaneras are a bigger thing in the states than in Mexico. This is an old beautiful tradition we sometimes still have but not all girls. Moving on, yes they will have a quinceanera after all and they decided that 2 weeks after we asked the uncle so no.. they have not been planning this for years.
I also asked about the budget situation for everybody in case they did have a quinceanera because everyone would have to fly out and pay for their hotel but he said that if our wedding is in our home town the expenses for our wedding guests would be minimum, in all case we are the parties that will have big expenses on our hands. That kept me thinking that we will not have any dress code requirements for our wedding, gifts are not mandatory (we already live together and have all we need so there is no wedding wish list (this is a custom in our culture) that guests can choose from to buy for us). We will be paying for our wedding only with our own money to not be a burden for anyone and for our friends and family only to attend and enjoy. There will be no bridal party, no bachelorette party, no additional costs that we will force ANY guest to make. No matching dresses, no matching make up.
Regarding the date selection. Wedding season is from October to December I live in Mexico not the states. Why? because of climate. Its usually rainy before that. Why November? Because October and December are already booked. Why not next year? We cannot afford the wedding before November because we still don't have the money, and by 2025 the rates go up at least 15% Why that venue? We have seen at least 10 different places for the last 3 months and this is the one we can pay for. Getting married in the city is expensive and our families are big so we want to invite everyone because I know it is important for them and also to us. I'm having 75 guests and he is having 125 so yes I do care and respect his family and want them to be with us in our big day.
When we were told by the venue that November was the only month available for our wedding we called his uncle again to tell him that the wedding would be in November and that's when he said that they will be celebrating the quinceañera on the 16 or 23 Actually her birthday is on the 16th and he said that if it was not on that date it would be a week before or a week after. After knowing this is when the whole conversation with my sisters in law happened. I do admit we shouldn't have been so forward and said that we wouldn't change our date but in all honesty, as the AH, that was a reality for us. Because their date was not fixed. I would not deliberately choose the same date as her quinces or wait until they decided on a date to pick the same one like i read in a comment. I asked for their options, had an answer, went back to the venue and chose November 9th.
About the power move. Your right. The comment about his family being the "what we say goes" type is true so me being nasty in that moment was the only way I could try to give them a "taste of their own medicine" and I truly repent that action on my side. But as I already said about them, I am also human and have defects. I was petty, I know. But again, I am not perfect. Someone suggested to look up enmeshment and that immediately clicked. Yes, in Mexico we have a family oriented culture and that is what is happening with the extended family but my in laws take it to far. They have to decide where to go when we ALL go eat together as a Family. They have to decide where we go on the next family vacation. They always question me and my fiancés decisions, home wise, work wise, academic wise, money choices, how we make our food, how we treat our pets, everything. So yes, I was immature and wanted to have my way on the only thing they couldn't have a say in.
And last but not least. I really think you all went directly to think I hate the little cousin for being born and being inconvenient for me but that was not the case at all. I am definitely not mad or annoyed or pissed at a 13 year old or her parents. My frustration is with my sister in law and her comments regarding the money she would have to spend for her brothers wedding. And the reason I posted in the first place was: ''It's been a couple of weeks and Im still very angry for her comments. The relationship kinda fractured but the planning is still in its begging phase and I dont know how to address the situation?'' With my in laws regarding the complaints about having to spend money on our wedding that will be in 14 months.
Thanks again for the comments.
Josh, please keep the misleading title so we can confuse the boys.
Have a great night.

Okay, I’ve previously made a post of the same name here. Thing is, it has the same concept. List your sad headcanons about The Owl House as comments on this post. Feel free to list as many as you want, and go into as much detail as you want. I will start with my headcanons:

• The Hexsquad developed PTSD from the Day of Unity, which complicated healing from the fight with Belos. Camila gave them mandatory therapy, as she has done for Vee. Every subsequent encounter with Belos lead to another round of flashbacks. Luz dying made it worse for herself and her loved ones.
• From the above, Camila developed PTSD from Luz’s death. When the Hexsquad realized that, they immediately dropped everything for her.
• The Collector has a massive guilt complex over being Belos’ accomplice.
• It took some coaxing to get Vee to return to the Boiling Isles.
• Eda and Camila were furious after Luz died (mostly at Belos for snuffing out the light of everyone’s lives, partially at themselves for being powerless to stop it). They grounded her forever. She’s still grounded by the flash forward, the terms are that she has a constant chaperone, unless she gives permission.
• The Hexsquad only returned to the cabin the afternoon after the Day of Unity, or the day after that, not just because of poor health, but being afraid that it’d remind them they’re stuck in the Human Realm, torn from their families.
• The characters’ mental health issues never went away. They just got better at dealing with them, and even then, they flare up every now and then, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t have each other to suffer together and help each other. There are days where they feel powerless.
• The people of the Boiling Isles were subject to collective therapy post-Belos. Part of that therapy included revealing that Belos was a human named Philip Wittebane, but the human Luz Noceda, a human blessed by the Titan, stopped him.
• Luz is uncomfortable with being considered a hero, because that’s for “self-mythologizing, narcissistic, autocrats” (public reason), and because it reminds her that she died (private reason).
• Luz does not like to talk about Titan-Luz. Like with Manny, she will dodge around the subject, try to change the topic, and when finally cornered and forced to talk about it, she will downplay how much her own death continues to negatively impact her.
• Eda ran away from home and broke up with Raine because seeing her mother fall for scams, her father too crippled to work, and her sister serve the government she hates convinced her that she deserved to be alone. Adopting King is when Eda realized she does indeed deserve her family.
• Caleb and Evelyn wanted to unite humans and witches, but after Caleb’s murder, that Dream died with him. However, Evelyn couldn’t bring herself to destroy the portal door, so she buried it, fearing Philip would abuse it.
• Luz always wanted to be a mother, but Amity is afraid that she’d be just as cold and abusive as her own mother. However, seeing how well their relationship and eventual marriage is working out (8-10 years after the series) is what convinced Amity that she will be a great mother.
• Luz told Camila that they tried to stop Belos, but they were too weak. Camila told her daughter she did her best, and that she’d kill Belos if she got the chance.
• Luz wanted to grow her hair out to hide her scar, so the others won’t be overwhelmed by a reminder of the Day of Unity. She ultimately decided not to, when Amity told her that it added to her appearance.
• Luz’s quinceanera was delayed because her mental health took a nosedive that took years for her to climb back out of. Especially seeing how her death has traumatized her friends and family. Even once it finally happened, she will never be the same.
• The Hexsquad and Camila were aware of Luz’s death. They tried to hide it from her, so she would not worry and blame herself for their feelings of grief and powerlessness, but she eventually learned, and chose to help them.
• Luz was hallucinating Eda as Manny when the Owl Lady was being taken away to be petrified. And she was having nightmares related to her father all throughout Season 1, once she learned that Eda is cursed.
• As the return of Belos is the greatest fear of all, this means that Groms are now a chance to clock out Belos.
• If you were caught with media that glorifies the witch hunts on the Boiling Isles, you’d go to prison.
• The Hexsquad all have physical scars from their fight with Belos. Also, Luz’s death and resurrection added to her scar collection. Their Flapjack tattoos also hide some of the scars.
• Luz and Amity have sh scars on their wrists.
• Luz does not like washing her hands, bathing, or showering with cold water, as it reminds her of her petrification. Also, mold, moss, and rot set her off, as they are reminders of her death.
• The Hexsquad initially explained to Camila with an hysterical PTSD rant. She got them to go over the story more slowly, once her cooking and kindness had reinvigorated their broken spirits.
• Manny would have loved Luz’s friends, and supported her and Amity being a couple.

Now, what are your sad headcanons? Leave them in the comment section below, or you can leave your thoughts on my headcanons in the comment section below. You can also do both, like if you wanted to add onto my headcanons, or if you wanted to list some of yours while commenting on mine.

What are the funniest headcanons you have? Please feel free to list as many as you want, and go into as much detail as you want. I’ll go with mine first:

• The first thing Eda and Camila did after meeting was ground Luz forever for dying, and plan a funeral for Belos (more on that below). Luz is still technically grounded, thing is, she’s been given more and more freedom, it’s just that she’s not allowed to go alone anywhere without supervision. Can’t blame anyone for being so clingy and overprotective to her, with the pain of her light being extinguished being that recent.
• The people of the Boiling Isles hosted a funeral for Belos. Where they each got a chance to air their grievances. Once a year, on the anniversary of his death, there’s another mock funeral, to let the anger out. His grave is also a public toilet and wastebin.
• Luz told her friends about Vee before the Day of Unity.
• At Luz’s quinceanera, there was a game of Cards Against Witchkind. Eda was banned for being too OP, because she went up against everyone else teaming up against her, and still won.
• Belos-themed merch is surprisingly popular. Why? It’s sold with the expressed purpose of being destroyed.

Okay, now that I dumped my headcanons, what are your funny The Owl House headcanons?

So I just realized now that I will be away that weekend to Maryland for a cousin's Quinceanera and wont be returning til Monday July 10th.
at face value ($60), vouch list, paypalG&S / Venmo protect, dice transferrable.
Let me know ! Thanks!
SOLD!!!!

Summer season is in full swing. The solstice may not happen until next week, but we already have nearly daily outdoor shows. Catch one or all three days of "Re:SET" at Forest Hill Stadium, or choose a more intimate experience on the rooftop of The Sultan Room, Our Wicked Lady or Elsewhere. Finally, Punk Island returns, having finally found a waterfront location in Bay Ridge, for anyone looking for a full day of family/POC/LGTBQ-friendly fun with tats and mohawks - a perfect way to spend father's day, if you ask me...
If you're new to this sub or just passing through, each week I try to highlight the "best" upcoming rock, punk, indie and alternative shows. I scour the web and social media for concert announcement, booking, rescheduling, etc., and then pick which shows are vying for my time and money (or which would've been if they weren't sold out). This is not intended to be an exhaustive list as there are other non-reddit resources that cast a wider net on live shows, including pop, hip hop and comedy shows, but feel free to add any missing shows using the comments (especially for other genres).
As usual, listed times are approximate start times (not door); prices are estimates for door tickets, and do not include online fees and taxes.

MONDAY JUNE 12

New York Guitar Festival @ The Green Space, 7:30pm ($25) feat. Louis Cato & Joe Saylor + Steve Gunn + Jiji + Sessa
^LPR15YOB + Cave In + Guhts @ (le) poisson rouge, 7:30pm ($30)
Royal Blush + T.S. Tadin + Third Street + Living Things @ Our Wicked Lady, 8pm ($15)
Deer Tick @ Rough Trade, 7:30pm (SOLD OUT)

TUESDAY JUNE 13

New York Guitar Festival @ The Green Space, 7:30pm ($25) feat. Bill Frisell & Luke Bergman + For Living Lovers (Brandon Ross & Stomu Takeishi) + Yasmin Williams + Jiji
^LPR15YOB + Pallbearer + Gnaw @ (le) poisson rouge, 7:30pm ($30)
Lovecolor + Desert Sharks + Carissa Johnson + Janet Labelle @ Our Wicked Lady, 8pm ($15)
Stimmerman^{album release show} + The Most + 13th Law + Scarlet @ Purgatory, 9pm ($15)
bar italia + FONT @ TV EYE, 8pm (SOLD OUT)

WEDNESDAY JUNE 14

Blonde Redhead + Purr + Sweet Lightning @ Baby's All Right, 8pm (SOLD OUT)
Citizen^{Youth 10-year anniversary tour} + Fiddlehead + illusion @ Knockdown Center, 8pm (SOLD OUT)
Creek & Kill + First President of Japan + Early Riser @ Mama Tried, 7pm (FREE)
Grasping Straws + Irrevery + Luxtress + No Drums @ Sundown, 8pm ($15)
bar italia + The Life @ Union Pool, 8pm (SOLD OUT)

THURSDAY JUNE 15

Protomartyr + RideHorse @ Bowery Ballroom, 9pm ($25)
^{Benefit Show for Alex Amini} Max Pain and The Groovies + 95 Bulls + Old Lady @ The Broadway, 9pm ($15)
Sammy Rae + Rubblebucket @ Central Park SummerStage, 7pm ($45)
bar italia @ Mercury Lounge, 7pm (SOLD OUT)
The Minks + Onesie + Ilithios + Power Pose @ Our Wicked Lady, 8pm ($18)
Fran + koleżanka + Katy Rea @ The Sultan Room - rooftop, 8pm ($15)
Älägator + Percocet + Brodeo @ The Windjammer, 9pm ($15)

FRIDAY JUNE 16

Protomartyr + Ian Sweet @ Bowery Ballroom, 9pm ($25)
The Feelies + The Willies @ Brooklyn Made, 8pm ($25)
Re:SET New York - Day One @ Forest Hills Stadium, 4pm (SOLD OUT) feat. LCD Soundsystem + Jamie XX + IDLES + L'Rain
Rocketsnail + Cassandra Jenkins @ The Owl, 8pm ($12)
Dig Nitty + Little Mystery + Jackie West @ The Windjammer, 9pm ($15)

SATURDAY JUNE 17

^{Perfectly Imperfect x Fire Talk presents}Strange Ranger + Chanel Beads @ 4 Irving, 9pm ($12)
Stuck + Foyer Red + Waste Man @ ALPHAVILLE, 9pm ($15)
^{Tribeca Festival presents}Carlos Santana @ Beacon Theatre, 8pm ($45+)
The Feelies + The Willies @ Brooklyn Made, 8pm ($25)
Re:SET New York - Day Two @ Forest Hills Stadium, 4pm (SOLD OUT) feat. boygenius + Clairo + Dijon + Bartees Strange
MESH + ExWhite + Bedridden + Scarlet @ Gold Sounds, 8pm ($12)
Pitchfork + Them Celebrate "Night Out" @ Knockdown Center, 7pm ($5) feat. Tinashe + Lido Pimienta + Pom Pom Squad + Zebra Katz + Papi Juice + Ariel Zetina
^LPR15Wavves + Cloud Nothings + Ultra Q @ (le) poisson rouge, 7pm (SOLD OUT)
bar italia + Sweet93 @ public records, 7:30pm (SOLD OUT)
Nara's Room + Nyxy Nyx + Blums @ Trans-Pecos, 8pm ($12)

SUNDAY JUNE 18

Punk Island Quinceanera @ American Veterans Memorial Pier, 12-noon (FREE)full lineup here
The New Colossus Festival presents Summer Saturdays Sunday @ 18th Ward Brewing, 1pm (FREE) feat. Buff Ginger + Hang Him to The Scales + Velvet + Silent Mass + Percocet
Re:SET New York - Day Three @ Forest Hills Stadium, 4pm ($100) feat. Steve Lacy+ James Blake + Toro y Moi + Fousheé
Diamond Grinder^{album release show} + Trace Mountains + Poise @ The Sultan Room, 8pm ($15)
​

I really just want to share my experience. There aren’t any questions here.
This was really my third shoot, but it really felt like my first. My first two were my sister-in-law’s wedding 20 years ago on my little consumer camcorder and very little editing capability and a quinceanera using that same camcorder and a crappy computer with Premiere Elements about 13 years ago.
Last night I shot a roller derby bout for our local team on my new Sony A6400 with the 16-50 and 28-70 kit lenses. I haven’t looked at the footage yet, but more on that later.
Lessons - Those lenses are okay, but I need some better glass to do this stuff. - I forgot to set the white balance. I’ll mess with that in post. - Getting the right exposure is hard. I need a lot more practice. - It was hard to make sure I had the right focus on the little screen. If I’m going to keep doing this, I need an on-camera monitor to blow things up. - Finding the right angles and places to stand is a challenge. I knew nothing about roller derby before yesterday, so I didn’t know what the flow would be like or where the action would take place. I got there about 25 minutes before it started. - The team asked me to take a team photo afterwards. I fumbled around a little bit trying to transition my brain from video to still and didn’t get a great pic. I need to be prepared for anything. - The team captain asked me for something, anything to send her so she could do a social post right away. The only thing I could think of was the crappy team photo I took, but I didn’t know how to get it to her. I didn’t have a laptop with me (I don’t even own one anymore). Luckily, I figured out how to connect the camera to my iPhone and get the pic that way. - Having a way to backup SD cards and see footage/photos right away is important. I just recently bought a Mac Mini instead of a MacBook. That probably wasn’t the best choice. Now I may have to look at trading the Mini in for a MacBook Pro. - I didn’t have a shot list, so I didn’t get the scoreboard with the final score, and they won by a lot.
TLDR: This is hard, and there’s a lot more to think about than I counted on.

A little bit of background I (22 F) have had a best friend, Katherine (22 F) for 9 years. She has a little cousin (Lily 13) that goes EVERYWHERE with her, im not being dramatic by saying everywhere like literally everywhere. We cant go out without Lily coming with. My little sister P (15 F) was in a long term relationship, 2 1/2 years with her now ex gf, that relationship completely destroyed her mental health, honestly we all thought we would have to postpone her quince another year but she pulled through.My best friends little cousin lily became her best friend throughout all this, soon my little sister found out Lily began dating her ex gf. P requested we take both Katherine and Lily off of the guest list. She had her quinceanera this Saturday. Sense then I have gotten nonstop angry text and calls from my friend group for uninviting my best friend. People saying I should’ve just ignored their little drama and invited them anyways. So AITA??